Glee - Season 3 Episodes 18-402

318. Choke

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt and Rachel made the final cut for NYADA, which means the biggest audition of their lives is coming up if they want their big time Broadway dreams to come true. Puck has big-time pool-cleaning business dreams, but first he has to graduate. Roz Washington's been trying to steal the Cheerios! from Sue the same way Beiste stole Cooter the football recruiter and got married after a romantic taco dinner. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Rachel Berry: Deep in space there are giant interstellar clouds. Most of them just float through the universe, content to be balls of gas and space dust, but there are special ones. Maybe they collide with a supernova or are just made up of something extra amazing, but one day they just get too big for the nebulas they're in and with the sheer gravitational force of their awesomeness, they become a star.



Rachel Berry: I am that amazing cloud. My whole life has led to this moment. My NYADA audition is this week. All of the singing and dancing lessons and hours spent until late into the night practicing my Oscar acceptance speech into a mirror are just about to come home to find purchase. My fiancé couldn't be more excited or supportive.
Finn Hudson: Happy. Sad. Surprised. Thoughtful. Presidential. Hmm.



Rachel Berry: I have some simple rules when I'm getting ready for a big performance. First, no milk-- makes you too phlegmy. Second, no doorknobs-- they spread infections. So do kisses. So what if I have some superstitions, too? I never step on cracks and sometimes I walk bacards, and everyone I see becomes a metaphor for the things that could stop me. I just give each one my gold star death stare. None of them stand a chance.



Rachel Berry: You are a star, Rachel Berry, and in just two days from now you are going to shine so bright on that stage that the sun is going to cry with envy. You know when your time is, and it's now.



Finn Hudson: Hey, listen, man... I overheard you talking to that sophomore girl yesterday.
Noah Puckerman: Whoa, back off, dude, you've got a fiancée. Plus, I called dibs on all the chicks whose boobs aren't done growing yet.
Finn Hudson: Not that, okay? You guys were talking about graduation.



Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I might not graduate, but it's okay 'cause gowns are for ladies and tassels are for strippers.



Finn Hudson: Dude, hear me out. I know you got your pool-cleaning business and everything, but even if college isn't your thing, it's still important to graduate. You gotta think ahead. Who knows, maybe one day you're gonna want to clean the White House pool or something.
Noah Puckerman: I appreciate the brovention, but I just told her that so I can get a sympathy pants massage. I'll be getting my diploma right next you. I'm doing good in auto, metal and wood shop. So, all I gotta do is pass Mrs. Doosenberry's European Geography test and I can graduate.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but how are you going to do that?
Noah Puckerman: I got a plan.



Eleanor Doosenbury: Okay, class, what can you tell me about the Danube River? Mr. Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: It's wet. Real wet.



Noah Puckerman: I may not be too good at world geography, but I'm real good at female geography. I'm gonna give Doosenberry a little P-U-C-K so I don't get an "F."
Finn Hudson: Hmm.



Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, I just went to my first student council meeting, and I found out that we have another prom this year. So, as president, I need to come up with a theme. And I'm thinking, if we do alien abductions, we could set up cornfields and probing booths.
Sugar Motta: Great.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Sugar Motta: Okay.
Santana Lopez: Aw, hell. Looks like Mr. Beiste went all Chris Brown on Mrs. Beiste-- What happened, Coach, Cooter put the smack-down on you 'cause you wouldn't let him be on top?
Roz Washington: What did you just say?
Santana Lopez: Nothing. It was a joke.
Roz Washington: So, men hitting women is funny to you?
Santana Lopez: Oh, please. We obviously don't think Beiste was hit by anybody. I mean, look at her, she's a wall.
Roz Washington: Let me tell you something. I'm Coach Roz Washington. I'm an Olympic Champion, and I do not suffer fools! Especially fools who think domestic violence is funny. I want your names. Shannon! Write these names down as placeholders. Hatrack. Asian Horror Movie. Li'l Oprah. Rojo Caliente. Salsa Caliente. You're on my list now, girls. You just watch what happens next.



Sue Sylvester: Black Sue, it's no secret I despise you. I spent the weekend sending your photo to ivory poachers who could make an absolute fortune selling your enormous white teeth on the black market. Yet it sounds like you and I finally have something to agree on.
Roz Washington: Look, I understand kids making jokes about things they find uncomfortable, like how there's a cheerleading coach at their school who's old as dirt and still trying to have a baby, who they know is gonna come out looking weird with rabies and wings, and it's gonna fly out of your head box and straight back into hell. But domestic violence? That's nothing to joke about.
Sue Sylvester: I couldn't agree with you more.
Will Schuester: Hey! Mind if we join you ladies?
Shannon Beiste: What are you guys talking about?
Roz Washington: Your shiner.
Sue Sylvester: William, your teenage minions have taken this opportunity to start making jokes about violence against women.
Will Schuester: Are you serious?
Shannon Beiste: Wait a second. They think I got hit? I was at the gym hitting the speedbag, but my timing was off, and it came back and clocked me.
Will Schuester: I can't believe any of my kids would make a joke about something that serious.
Roz Washington: Well, you better believe it, whatever your name is. I heard 'em with my own two ears.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you've got a problem on your hands, William. But not to worry. John Goodman, Black Sue and Original Recipe Sue are going to take care of it.



Kurt Hummel: # Let your mind start a journey #
# Through a strange new world #
# Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before #
# Let your soul take you where you long to be #
# Let your dream begin #
# Let your darker side give in #
# To the power of the music #
# That I write #
# Help me make the music of the night #
Blaine Anderson: Fantastic! I loved it.
Kurt Hummel: I don't know. My entire future is riding on this audition. It has to be perfect. What if I sequin my cape? Or if sing it in German? Or if I did it in the nude?
Blaine Anderson: What?
Kurt Hummel: I'm serious. I've always been ahead of the curve, and my audition needs to show that. And right now it-it's too safe, it's too predictable, it's boring-- I'm bored!
Blaine Anderson: I think you're overthinking it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Excuse me, my foot fall asleep. I can't feel it at all. Can I go walk it off?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, sure, just don't go far. And thanks. Okay. I'm starting from scratch. I need something fresh. I need something edgy, something completely unpredictable. Or maybe I just need more candles.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, God, no. No more candles.



Eleanor Doosenbury: Noah, why are you closing the door?
Noah Puckerman: So the chemistry doesn't get out. I brought you some illegal fireworks I got in Tennessee to remind you of us-- all explosive and taboo.
Eleanor Doosenbury: There is no "us," Mr. Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Eleanor-- can I call you that?
Eleanor Doosenbury: No.
Noah Puckerman: I've wanted you since ninth grade ever since I saw you at that Canned Food Drive for depressed Hawaiians.
Eleanor Doosenbury: Displaced Haitians.
Noah Puckerman: Mmm... Your brain turns me on.
Eleanor Doosenbury: Oh... Oh, oh, oh! I... I might be recently divorced and excruciatily lonely, but I can't be bought.
Noah Puckerman: I not buying you! Just give me a D-minus, and I'll tickle your thighs.
Eleanor Doosenbury: All right, we're done here, Mr. Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Look, lady, if you don't pass me, I'll flunk out.
Eleanor Doosenbury: Oh, well, maybe, oh, just maybe, you could crack open a book and study like everyone else.
Noah Puckerman: I can't! I'm too stupid.
Eleanor Doosenbury: You're not stupid, Noah. You're just lazy.
Noah Puckerman: Screw you. And screw McKinley. I'm out of here! Forever!



Noah Puckerman: # Well, we've got no choice #
# All the girls and boys #
# Makin' all that noise #
# 'Cause they found new toys #
# Well, we can't salute ya #
# Can't find a flag #
# If that don't suit ya, that's a drag #
# School's out for summer #
# School's out forever #
# Ah! #
# School's been blown to pieces #
# No more pencils #
# No more books #
# No more teacher's dirty looks #
# Out for summer #
# Out till fall #
# We might not go back at all #
# School's out forever #
# School's out for summer #
# School's out with fever #
# School's out completely #



Sue Sylvester: Now I realize this room is America's number one destination for cheap, sappy moralizing, but your insensitive behavior is about to subject you to a whole new level of preachiness.
Santana Lopez: Is this about the comment that I made in the hallway earlier?
Roz Washington: You bet your perfectly round ass it is.
Sugar Motta: Coach Sylvester, I hardly think you're one to preach on what we can and cannot joke about.
Santana Lopez: Yeah. You make fun of us all the time.
Sue Sylvester: Sandbags, I admit I can be a bit abrasive. And yes, I've fantasized about slapping each and every one of you square across the face with a sturdy, wet fish. But that doesn't mean you deserve it. No one deserves to get hit.
Mercedes Jones: Coach Sylvester, we already know that.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, and none of our guys would ever do anything like that.
Mercedes Jones: And if they did, we'd just get the hell out.
Shannon Beiste: I don't think the gravity of this is landing with you girls.
Roz Washington: I think that not one of you understand what violence in a home really feels like. When I was growing up, my aunt married a man that was nice to everybody. Used to bring us presents when he came to visit and never had an unkind word to say to anybody. But at home, he had a temper. And that man started beating her. She'd lie, she'd make a joke out of it. She said she'd done this or that wrong. She'd tell my momma he was a good man and she had it coming. It took my aunt five years and a trip to ICU to stop making excuses for that man and get a divorce.
Sue Sylvester: Ladies, the American songbook is chock-full of songs making light of men hitting women. And since the only way to get anything into your thick, dopey heads is to force you to sing about it, for this week's assignment, I want you to turn those songs into songs of empowerment that say, "You lay a hand on me, it's over."



Mike Chang: Blaine, I need some help. Tina wants me to slick my hair back for prom, and I've never used gel, so I have no idea what I'm doing.
Blaine Anderson: Biggest tip I can give you: never brush after you gel. Disaster. Second tip: feel free to use a little sweat or a little splash of water to reactivate the gel or give it a complete new look. See that? It's a whole new 'do, my friend.
Finn Hudson: Hey. I hear you guys talking a lot, but is anybody gonna mention what's missing, what's different here?
Sam Evans: You finally shook the last five pounds. Dude, congrats!
Blaine Anderson: Big deal, big deal.
Finn Hudson: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! It's Puck. He's not here. Dropped completely off the grid. Anybody notice that? Doesn't even log on to Call of Duty tourneys anymore.
Artie Abrams: Oh, no.
Joseph Hart: I'm going into full-blown prayer mode.
Finn Hudson: Look, we need to go all Black Hawk Down here. All he needs to pass is that one test. Either we all graduate together or what was the point of all this? No man gets left behind. We will get him to pass. By any means necessary.
Mike Chang: Right!



Rachel Berry: Excuse me. Um, this is insanity.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, why are you talking to me? I thought you were saving your voice for your audition.
Rachel Berry: No, I vowed not to speak with you unless William and Kate got pregnant, Liza passed or unless one of us was in grave danger.
Kurt Hummel: Tell me Liza's okay.
Rachel Berry: She's fine, but you're not. Okay, I just talked to Blaine and he told me about "Not The Boy Next Door." You cannot sing that for your NYADA your audition.
Kurt Hummel: I need to be excited about this, and this is the first time I've been inspired in this whole process.
Rachel Berry: No, no, it's too controversial, okay? You can't wear Peter Allen's gold lamé pants.
Kurt Hummel: It was too controversial in 1962. Look, the play, and that song, won Hugh Jackman the Tony.
Rachel Berry: I know.
Kurt Hummel: And NYADA is a Broadway school.
Rachel Berry: Yes, but you haven't rehearsed it enough, okay? I'm not singing "Don't Rain on my Parade" because it's my go-to song and because it's impossible for me not to cry when I sing it, but because I have been belting out that song since I was two years old. All right, this is, this is the biggest, biggest moment of our lives here. We cannot be taking risks.
Kurt Hummel: Isn't that the exact moment to take a risk?
Rachel Berry: Kurt, can I be honest with you? I think this is self-sabotage. All right, you're scared you're not going to get in, so you're using something to blame just in case this all doesn't work out.
Kurt Hummel: Do you really think I'm doing that?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. I think you think you're not good enough. But you are good enough. Okay, you don't have to go and do some big, flamboyant number, all right? "Music of the Night" is your "Don't Rain on My Parade."
Kurt Hummel: I'm torn. Uh, I have been practicing Phantom for the last three months.
Rachel Berry: Yes! And-and I believe in you, and I believe that song. So much that I will be your Christine.
Kurt Hummel: You will?
Rachel Berry: I will.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, let's do it! "Music of the Night" it is.
Rachel Berry: Good! All right, good.
Kurt Hummel: Tina won't mind being recast.
Rachel Berry: No, she won't, so...
Kurt Hummel: Oh, that's great! Okay. Okay.
Rachel Berry: NYADA's not gonna know what hit them.
Kurt Hummel: Uh-uh.
Rachel Berry: Trust me.
Kurt Hummel: Okay.



Mercedes Jones: # And now, the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of "The Cell Block Tango." #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pop #
Sugar Motta: # Six #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Squish #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Uh-uh #
Santana Lopez: # Cicero #
Sugar Motta: # Lipschitz #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pop #
Sugar Motta: # Six #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Squish #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Uh-uh #
Santana Lopez: # Cicero #
Sugar Motta: # Lipschitz #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pop #
Sugar Motta: # Six #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Squish #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Uh-uh #
Santana Lopez: # Cicero #
Sugar Motta: # Lipschitz #
Tina, Santana, Sugar & Brittany: # He had it coming, he had it coming #
# He only had himself to blame #
# If you'd have been there #
# If you'd have seen it #
Santana Lopez: # I betcha you would have done the same #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You know how people have these little habits #
# That get you down? Like Bernie. #
# Bernie, he liked to chew gum. #
# No, not chew, pop. #
# So I came home this one day, and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy. #
# And there's Bernie lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewing #
# No, not chewing, popping! #
# So, I said to him, I said, #
# "You pop that gum one more time..." and he did. #
# So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots. #
# Into his head. #
Tina, Santana, Sugar & Brittany: # He had it coming #
# Pop, Six, Squish #
# He had it coming #
# Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz #
# He took a flower in its prime #
# And then he used it #
# Pop #
# And he abused it #
# Six #
# It was a murder, but not a crime #
# Squish, Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz #
Santana Lopez: # Now, I'm standing in the kitchen #
# Carving up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business. #
# In storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. #
# "You been doing the milkman," he says. #
# He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, #
# "You been doing the milkman." #
# And then he ran into my knife. #
# He ran into my knife ten times. #
Brittany & Sugar: # The dirty bum #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Bum, bum, bum, bum #
Brittany & Sugar: # The dirty bum #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Bum, bum, bum, bum #
Sugar Motta: # They had it coming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # They had it coming #
Santana Lopez: # They had it coming #
Sugar Motta: # They had it coming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # They had it coming all along #
Santana Lopez: # They had it coming all along #
Sugar Motta: # 'Cause if they used us #
Santana Lopez: # 'Cause if they used us #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # And they abused us #
Sugar Motta: # And they abused us #
Tina, Santana, Sugar & Brittany: # How could you tell us that we were wrong? #
# Could you tell us that we were wrong? #
Santana Lopez: What happened to Beiste? Uh, did we do something wrong?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you completely butchered one of my all-time favorite Kander and Ebb tunes, while completely missing the point of absolutely everything.
Roz Washington: You girls are cray-cray. You were supposed to pick a song that gave women the self-esteem and courage to get the hell out of an abusive situation. But, oh, no. You pick a song about crazy women in their panties killing their men for chewing gum. How is that supposed to help?



Sue Sylvester: How dare you stand up and leave? We all wanted out of that room.
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry. I was sitting there listening to that song, and I couldn't handle it.
Roz Washington: I was too embarrassed. Why would you be embarrassed? Those girls were the ones stinking up that auditorium.
Shannon Beiste: He hit me. I didn't get hurt boxing at the gym. Cooter hit me. He'd been bugging me all weekend to do the dishes, and I-I promised him I would, but I forgot. And then when he came home from work, I could tell he had had a few drinks. And he started yelling, and I tried to calm him down, and then he hit me. But as soon as it happened, I mean, right away, he was so sorry. And he started crying and begging me to forgive him.
Roz Washington: Sweetheart, you're as big as a house. Why didn't you just turn around and kick his ass?
Shannon Beiste: I'm not a violent person.
Sue Sylvester: Shannon, you have to get out of that house right now.
Shannon Beiste: Can't. I can't leave him.
Roz Washington: Why the hell not?
Shannon Beiste: Because I don't think anybody else is ever going to love me.
Sue Sylvester: Shannon, listen. You're gonna stay with me tonight, okay? If you don't have a change of clothes, I have a tent you can wear.



Mrs. Collins: Looking good, Noah. Hey, the kids are at the neighbors. You want to go for a quickie in the pool house?
Noah Puckerman: Not this time, Mrs. Collins. I'm gonna keep it legit 'cause today's my last day.
Mrs. Collins: Mmm.
Noah Puckerman: Final cleaning's on the house-- a good-bye gift.
Mrs. Collins: Last day? Where are you going? Isn't graduation coming up?
Noah Puckerman: I'm done with school. Don't need it. I'm gonna blow town and get a head start to the West Coast.
Mrs. Collins: Huh. Too bad. I'll miss those abs.
Noah Puckerman: Dad?



Finn Hudson: All right, everyone, listen carefully. Puck's scheduled to arrive at the Schneider's pool at 2:00 p.m., which means he should be there at 3:30. Sam, you're the driver, so stay in the car.
Sam Evans: Well, can I play with the radio?
Finn Hudson: Rory, you're on lookout here.
Rory Flanagan: Who am I looking out for? I mean, besides Puck?
Finn Hudson: Blaine, Mike and myself will triangulate a very carefully planned attack on Puck here, here and here.
Blaine Anderson: Is that a bear I'm hiding behind?
Finn Hudson: No, no, it's a bush.
Blaine Anderson: Looks like a bear.
Finn Hudson: It's not a bear.
Rory Flanagan: Maybe a shrub.
Sam Evans: What's the difference between a shrub and a bush?
Artie Abrams: What do I do?
Finn Hudson: Oh, that's the best part. You're going to be the bait. So, when Puck comes in the gate, you just roll your wheelchair into the pool, and all of a sudden, we...
Mike Chang: Are you all right, dude?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, look like you saw a ghost, man. What's up?
Noah Puckerman: Just saw my dad. I haven't seen him in five years.



Mr. Puckerman: I brought us a little refresher. The last six-pack from my micro-brewery-- Puckerman's Special Sauce.
Noah Puckerman: I'm good.
Mr. Puckerman: Oh, come on. A dad likes to share a beer with his son. Be fine. All right.
Noah Puckerman: So what are you doing here?
Mr. Puckerman: I hate to do this, but, uh, I'm kind of at the end of my rope. I need to borrow some money.
Noah Puckerman: From me?
Mr. Puckerman: Mm-hmm.
Noah Puckerman: For what?
Mr. Puckerman: Rent. Hardest thing for a man to do... is ask for help.



Finn Hudson: What did you do?
Noah Puckerman: I gave it to him. 500 bucks. That's most of my seed money for L.A.
Artie Abrams: I don't get it. Why?
Noah Puckerman: 'Cause I knew if I gave it to him, I'd never have to see him again. You know he dropped out of high school, too? Just kept seeing myself sitting where he was sitting, across from Beth-- no dignity, no future-- begging her for rent money. I cannot let that happen to me. I have to graduate. And to do that, I have to pass this damn European Geography test. Will you help me? Please?
Finn Hudson: Never leave a man behind.
Noah Puckerman: Thanks, bro.



Rachel Berry: Want some Throat Coat?
Kurt Hummel: Oh.
Rachel Berry: Just to avoid last-minute irritation.
Kurt Hummel: Hit me.
Rachel Berry: Okay. So, um, Kurt, you know how they say that knowledge is power?
Kurt Hummel: Mm-hmm.
Rachel Berry: Okay, well, I got some last-minute intel about our NYADA adjudicator, and... well, I don't want to make you any more nervous than you already are.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, now you have to tell me.
Rachel Berry: It's Carmen Tibideaux.
Kurt Hummel: What?
Rachel Berry: My God.
Kurt Hummel: Carmen Tibideaux? She's one of NYADA's most famous-- and infamous-- alums. She's played Broadway. She's performed the most demanding roles in the greatest opera houses in the world. I think I'm going to throw up.
Rachel Berry: Look, my-my dads have been trolling the NYADA chat rooms, and they said that she's been appointed dean of Vocal Performance and Song Interpretation, and now she's going across the country to pick out her own inaugural class.
Carmen Tibideaux: All right.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Rachel, you know the stories of her wrath as well as I do. Once, "La Tibideaux" stopped a performance of Medea at the Met because someone glanced at their watch while she was doing one of her "I'm killing my babies" arias. She destroyed him. Do you think she's going to have any qualms about cutting us off if we displease her?
Carmen Tibideaux: Kurt Hummel.
Rachel Berry: You're going to be amazing. All right, I-I believe in you, and no one can sing this song better than you can.
Kurt Hummel: Even Michael Crawford?
Rachel Berry: Go... go get 'em.
Kurt Hummel: Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be performing "Music of the Night" from the seminal Phantom of the Opera by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. Which I bet you hear a lot of. That song.
Carmen Tibideaux: That, "The Impossible Dream" from La Mancha and "Being Alive" from Company, yes.
Kurt Hummel: It's a safe and standard choice. Which is why I've decided to change things up a bit. Here, in the 11th hour, I've decided to go in a different direction. Something that's a little more out there, but much more me. "Not the Boy Next Door," from the Peter Allen bio-musical, The Boy from Oz. Ladies? I had my swans on standby.
# Coming home used to feel so good #
# I'm a stranger now in my neighborhood #
# I've seen the world at a faster pace #
# And I'm coming now from a different place #
# Though I may look the same way to you #
# Underneath there is somebody new #
# I am not the boy next door #
# I don't belong like I did before #
# Nothing ever seems like it used to be #
# You can have your dreams, but you can't have me #
# Oh, I can't come back there anymore #
# 'Cause I am not the boy next door #
# You've been saving those souvenirs #
# Faded photographs from our foolish years #
# We made plans, but they're wearing thin #
# And they don't work out 'cause I don't fit in #
# And those memories will just weigh you down #
# 'Cause I got no place to keep 'em uptown #
# I am not the boy next door #
# I don't belong like I did before #
# Nothing ever seems like it used to be #
# You can have your dreams, but you can't have me #
# Oh, I can't go back there anymore #
# 'Cause I am not the boy next door #
# Huh! #
# I'm not sorry for just being me #
# But if you look past the past, you can see #
# Nothing ever seems like it used to be #
# You can have your dreams, oh, but you can't have me #
# I can't go back there anymore #
# 'Cause I am not #
# You are not #
# I am not #
# You are not #
# I am not #
# The boy next door. #
Carmen Tibideaux: You know, Hugh Jackman won a Tony Award for playing Peter Allen. Hugh trained with me the summer I was in residence at the Sydney Opera House, and I'm certain that he would have been... as impressed with what you did with that song as I am. A bold choice, young man. I congratulate you for taking such a risk today.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.



Rachel Berry: Millions of moments have led up to this moment. All you have to do is just be yourself because you're a star.
Finn Hudson: I'll second that. You nervous?
Rachel Berry: Oddly enough, not at all. No, I'm... I'm ready.
Carmen Tibideaux: Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry: Hi. I'm Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing "Don't Rain on My Parade" from my favorite musical, Funny Girl.
# Don't tell me not to live #
# Just sit and putter #
# Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter #
# Don't bring around a cloud #
# To rain on my parade #
# Don't tell me not to fly #
# I've simply got to #
# Life's candy and the sun's a... #
Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. Please, let me just start over one more time. I'm sorry. Please just start over again one more time.
# Don't tell me not to live #
# Just sit and putter #
# Life's candy and the sky's a... #
Finn Hudson: Oh, God.
Kurt Hummel: This isn't happening.
Rachel Berry: I'm... I'm so sorry. I don't know... I know this song backwards. I know this... Okay. Please, let me just do it one more time. I can start it over one more time.
Carmen Tibideaux: No.
Rachel Berry: Excuse me?
Carmen Tibideaux: You get eight bars. I gave you 16. Do you know what happens when you forget the words on Broadway? They give the job to your understudy. I'm very sorry, but this audition is over.
Rachel Berry: No, please...please, please, please. You have to believe me. You just have to... please just give me one more chance, please. Please. Please.



Rory Flanagan: What's the biggest city in Ireland?
Noah Puckerman: Blarneycock.
Sam Evans: Dude, he's pointing right at it. Come on.
Noah Puckerman: My brain is fried. It's freaking 3:00 in the morning.
Artie Abrams: That's awesome-- we've still got nine hours to cram before your test.
Joseph Hart: How's Rachel?
Finn Hudson: Uh... upset. Devastated. Wants to be alone. Her dads are doing something called sitting shivah. I mean... I just don't get it. It was a total choke. Okay. So, let's hop on back to sunny Spain. Hey, look, here's a fun fact: Spain is considered a mostly mountainous country, interspersed with picturesque plateaus and arid valleys.
Joseph Hart: That's fascinating.
Noah Puckerman: No, it's not. Who the hell cares? Not even Einstein uses this crap.
Blaine Anderson: So wipe it from your memory tomorrow, after your test.
Finn Hudson: Now, for the bonus round. Which region of Spain receives the most rainfall?
Noah Puckerman:I don't know.
Finn Hudson: You do. Just think about it, dude. The rain in Spain falls mainly...
Noah Puckerman: Whatever. In the flatlands. The plains.
Finn Hudson: What was that?
Noah Puckerman: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
Finn Hudson: Again.
Noah Puckerman: # The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Finn Hudson: # I think he's got it #
# I think he's got it #
Noah Puckerman: # The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Blaine Anderson: # By George, he's got it #
# By George, he's got it #
Finn Hudson: # Now, once again, where does it rain? #
Noah Puckerman: # On the plain, on the plain #
Finn Hudson: # And where's that soggy plain? #
Noah Puckerman: # In Spain #
# In Spain #
# The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Finn Hudson: # Bravo! #
Noah & Finn: # The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Noah Puckerman: # The rain in Spain #
Mike Chang: # In Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire #
Noah Puckerman: # Hurricanes hardly happen #
# How kind of you to let me come #
Finn Hudson: # Now, once again, where does it rain? #
Noah Puckerman: # On the plain, on the plain #
Finn Hudson: # And where's that blasted plain? #
Noah Puckerman: # In Spain, in Spain #
# The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
# The rain in Spain #
# The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. #
Blaine Anderson: All right.
Artie Abrams: Ow! Okay. Moving on. What rhymes with "preindustrial European deforestation"? Anybody?



Sue Sylvester: Shannon, I'm very upset with you. You promised to stay the night at my house. I made up my sofa bed for you. I ruined my tent fashioning a neck hole in it. And what am I supposed to do with those nine whole chickens in my fridge?
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry, Sue. I forgot to call you. But I'm okay. I spent all last night moving in with my sister, Denise.
Sue Sylvester: Your sister's name is Denise Beiste? Well, Coach, I'm glad to hear that you're okay. And I hope that whatever bridge Denise Beiste lives under is nice and cozy. Beiste, I really admire what you're doing. I know how difficult it must be.
Shannon Beiste: Not as difficult as what I'm about to do.



Shannon Beiste: Girls, I have a confession to make. It's a really hard thing to talk about, but I feel like I owe it to you. I didn't get hit by a punching bag. I got hit by my husband.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Are you serious?
Brittany S. Pierce: Did he break his hand?
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry I lied to you about it. But nobody tells you what you're supposed to do when something like this happens. I was shocked, I was... ashamed. So I made excuses for myself, to make it okay. And I heard you girls say that you thought your boyfriends would never do anything to you like that. And a week ago, I would've said exactly the same thing. And I was wrong.
Santana Lopez: But Cooter always seemed like such a nice guy.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, I always just thought he was a big, smiley doofus.
Shannon Beiste: He is. Most of the time. But nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Are you considering pressing charges?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. And more than that, I got out of there, and I moved in with my sister, and that feels really good. But you girls? You not only opened my eyes to this... you maybe even saved my life. Thank you.



Eleanor Doosenbury: Eyes on your paper, Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Focus. You can do this. Okay. "What area of the Spanish countryside receives the highest annual rainfall?" Holy crap! I know that one. In the plain, in the plain. Question two: "Name three counties in England where violent storms rarely occur." This is the easiest test ever! Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire! Puck-gellen is on a roll. Question three: "What was the capital of the Austria-Hungarian empire? Wait, that's not in the song.



Mike Chang: How do you think you did?
Noah Puckerman: My best.
Blaine Anderson: Did you pass?
Sam Evans: Does your head hurt? 'Cause sometimes after I take a test, my head hurts. It's usually a good sign.
Noah Puckerman: You know, it's weird, but... I think I did. Thanks to you guys. So thank you. All of you. You know, it's hard growing up without a dad, because you don't have any dude role models, except NFL players and video game characters. But I lucked out because instead of one dad, I got a whole gang of them. You guys showed me what it means to be a man. Not just last night, but for four years. Even you, Blaine.
Blaine Anderson: Thanks?
Sam Evans: Let's hug it out.
Blaine Anderson: Aw, yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Bring it in, guys. On hand. All the time.



Shannon Beiste: You girls wanted to see me?
Tina Cohen-Chang: We wanted the chance to say that we're sorry, and we had no idea.
Mercedes Jones: No idea that this was really happening to someone we care so much about.
Santana Lopez: And we're really proud of you for sticking up for yourself and getting out. And we owe you a song.
# Regrets collect like old friends #
# Here to relive #
# Your darkest moments #
# I can see no way #
# I can see no way #
# And all of the ghouls #
# Come out to play #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Every demon wants his pound of flesh #
# But I like to keep #
# Some things to myself #
# I like to keep my issues drawn #
# It's always darkest #
# Before the dawn #
Mercedes Jones: # And I've been a fool #
# And I've been blind #
# I can never leave the past behind #
# I can see no way #
# I can see no way #
Mercedes & Tina: # I'm always dragging #
# That horse around #
# Our love is pastured #
# Such a mournful sound #
Mercedes Jones: # Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground #
Santana Lopez: # 'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn #
# It's always darkest before the dawn #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back #
# So shake him off, ooh whoa #
Santana Lopez: # And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back #
Mercedes Jones: # And given half the chance #
# Would I take any of it back? #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # It's always darkest before the dawn #
Mercedes Jones: # Looking for heaven #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # Found the devil in me #
# Looking for heaven #
Mercedes Jones: # Found the devil in me #
# But what the hell? #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # I'm gonna let it happen to me... yeah #
# Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back #
# So shake him off, ooh whoa #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, whoa-oh-oh #
Santana & Tina: # Shake it out, shake it out #
Mercedes Jones: # Shake it out #
Santana & Tina: # Shake it out, shake it out #
Mercedes Jones: # Shake... #
Santana & Tina: # Ooh whoa #
# Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh whoa... #



Cooter Menkins: Thank you, Shannon. For... giving me a second chance.



Shannon Beiste: Thank you. Thank you, girls. You're beautiful. Get over here.



Kurt Hummel: Can I just say, for the record, that Carmen Tibideaux is a total bitch. I mean, she should've let you start over.
Rachel Berry: She did.
Kurt Hummel: I mean, a second time. You killed the beginning of that song. I-I wouldn't be surprised if you got accepted just from that.
Rachel Berry: Kurt, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but... we both know what happened. All right? I had my chance, and I choked. I choked on a song that I've been singing my entire life. And now it's over, and there's no one to blame but me. You were amazing, though. You were. I mean, you went with your gut, and-and you were better than you've ever been. You and Finn are gonna be great in New York together.
Kurt Hummel: Well, you're coming, too. Of course you're coming. Even if it doesn't work out with NYADA, you'll find...
Rachel Berry: Could we just not talk about this anymore, please? It's just... I haven't... I haven't slept in like two days, and I just am tired really tired of talking about it, okay?
Kurt Hummel: I love you, Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry: I love you, too.
Rachel Berry: # If anyone asks #
# I'll tell them we both just moved on #
# When people all stare #
# I'll pretend that I #
# Don't hear them talk #
# Whenever I see you #
# I'll swallow my pride #
# And bite my tongue #
# Pretend I'm okay with it all #
# Act like there's nothing wrong #
# Is it over yet? #
# Can I open my eyes? #
# Is this as hard as it gets? #
# Is this what it feels like to really #
# Cry? #
# Cry #
# I'm talking in circles #
# I'm lying, they know it #
# Why won't this just #
# All go away? #
# Is it over yet? #
# Can I open my eyes? #
# Is this as hard as it gets? #
# Is this what it feels like to really #
# Cry? #
# Cry #
# Cry... #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt and Rachel made the final cut for NYADA, which means the biggest audition of their lives is coming up if they want their big time Broadway dreams to come true. Puck has big-time pool-cleaning business dreams, but first he has to graduate. Roz Washington's been trying to steal the Cheerios! from Sue the same way Beiste stole Cooter the football recruiter and got married after a romantic taco dinner. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Rachel Berry: Deep in space there are giant interstellar clouds. Most of them just float through the universe, content to be balls of gas and space dust, but there are special ones. Maybe they collide with a supernova or are just made up of something extra amazing, but one day they just get too big for the nebulas they're in and with the sheer gravitational force of their awesomeness, they become a star.



Rachel Berry: I am that amazing cloud. My whole life has led to this moment. My NYADA audition is this week. All of the singing and dancing lessons and hours spent until late into the night practicing my Oscar acceptance speech into a mirror are just about to come home to find purchase. My fiancé couldn't be more excited or supportive.
Finn Hudson: Happy. Sad. Surprised. Thoughtful. Presidential. Hmm.



Rachel Berry: I have some simple rules when I'm getting ready for a big performance. First, no milk-- makes you too phlegmy. Second, no doorknobs-- they spread infections. So do kisses. So what if I have some superstitions, too? I never step on cracks and sometimes I walk bacards, and everyone I see becomes a metaphor for the things that could stop me. I just give each one my gold star death stare. None of them stand a chance.



Rachel Berry: You are a star, Rachel Berry, and in just two days from now you are going to shine so bright on that stage that the sun is going to cry with envy. You know when your time is, and it's now.



Finn Hudson: Hey, listen, man... I overheard you talking to that sophomore girl yesterday.
Noah Puckerman: Whoa, back off, dude, you've got a fiancée. Plus, I called dibs on all the chicks whose boobs aren't done growing yet.
Finn Hudson: Not that, okay? You guys were talking about graduation.



Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I might not graduate, but it's okay 'cause gowns are for ladies and tassels are for strippers.



Finn Hudson: Dude, hear me out. I know you got your pool-cleaning business and everything, but even if college isn't your thing, it's still important to graduate. You gotta think ahead. Who knows, maybe one day you're gonna want to clean the White House pool or something.
Noah Puckerman: I appreciate the brovention, but I just told her that so I can get a sympathy pants massage. I'll be getting my diploma right next you. I'm doing good in auto, metal and wood shop. So, all I gotta do is pass Mrs. Doosenberry's European Geography test and I can graduate.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but how are you going to do that?
Noah Puckerman: I got a plan.



Eleanor Doosenbury: Okay, class, what can you tell me about the Danube River? Mr. Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: It's wet. Real wet.



Noah Puckerman: I may not be too good at world geography, but I'm real good at female geography. I'm gonna give Doosenberry a little P-U-C-K so I don't get an "F."
Finn Hudson: Hmm.



Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, I just went to my first student council meeting, and I found out that we have another prom this year. So, as president, I need to come up with a theme. And I'm thinking, if we do alien abductions, we could set up cornfields and probing booths.
Sugar Motta: Great.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Sugar Motta: Okay.
Santana Lopez: Aw, hell. Looks like Mr. Beiste went all Chris Brown on Mrs. Beiste-- What happened, Coach, Cooter put the smack-down on you 'cause you wouldn't let him be on top?
Roz Washington: What did you just say?
Santana Lopez: Nothing. It was a joke.
Roz Washington: So, men hitting women is funny to you?
Santana Lopez: Oh, please. We obviously don't think Beiste was hit by anybody. I mean, look at her, she's a wall.
Roz Washington: Let me tell you something. I'm Coach Roz Washington. I'm an Olympic Champion, and I do not suffer fools! Especially fools who think domestic violence is funny. I want your names. Shannon! Write these names down as placeholders. Hatrack. Asian Horror Movie. Li'l Oprah. Rojo Caliente. Salsa Caliente. You're on my list now, girls. You just watch what happens next.



Sue Sylvester: Black Sue, it's no secret I despise you. I spent the weekend sending your photo to ivory poachers who could make an absolute fortune selling your enormous white teeth on the black market. Yet it sounds like you and I finally have something to agree on.
Roz Washington: Look, I understand kids making jokes about things they find uncomfortable, like how there's a cheerleading coach at their school who's old as dirt and still trying to have a baby, who they know is gonna come out looking weird with rabies and wings, and it's gonna fly out of your head box and straight back into hell. But domestic violence? That's nothing to joke about.
Sue Sylvester: I couldn't agree with you more.
Will Schuester: Hey! Mind if we join you ladies?
Shannon Beiste: What are you guys talking about?
Roz Washington: Your shiner.
Sue Sylvester: William, your teenage minions have taken this opportunity to start making jokes about violence against women.
Will Schuester: Are you serious?
Shannon Beiste: Wait a second. They think I got hit? I was at the gym hitting the speedbag, but my timing was off, and it came back and clocked me.
Will Schuester: I can't believe any of my kids would make a joke about something that serious.
Roz Washington: Well, you better believe it, whatever your name is. I heard 'em with my own two ears.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you've got a problem on your hands, William. But not to worry. John Goodman, Black Sue and Original Recipe Sue are going to take care of it.



Kurt Hummel: # Let your mind start a journey #
# Through a strange new world #
# Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before #
# Let your soul take you where you long to be #
# Let your dream begin #
# Let your darker side give in #
# To the power of the music #
# That I write #
# Help me make the music of the night #
Blaine Anderson: Fantastic! I loved it.
Kurt Hummel: I don't know. My entire future is riding on this audition. It has to be perfect. What if I sequin my cape? Or if sing it in German? Or if I did it in the nude?
Blaine Anderson: What?
Kurt Hummel: I'm serious. I've always been ahead of the curve, and my audition needs to show that. And right now it-it's too safe, it's too predictable, it's boring-- I'm bored!
Blaine Anderson: I think you're overthinking it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Excuse me, my foot fall asleep. I can't feel it at all. Can I go walk it off?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, sure, just don't go far. And thanks. Okay. I'm starting from scratch. I need something fresh. I need something edgy, something completely unpredictable. Or maybe I just need more candles.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, God, no. No more candles.



Eleanor Doosenbury: Noah, why are you closing the door?
Noah Puckerman: So the chemistry doesn't get out. I brought you some illegal fireworks I got in Tennessee to remind you of us-- all explosive and taboo.
Eleanor Doosenbury: There is no "us," Mr. Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Eleanor-- can I call you that?
Eleanor Doosenbury: No.
Noah Puckerman: I've wanted you since ninth grade ever since I saw you at that Canned Food Drive for depressed Hawaiians.
Eleanor Doosenbury: Displaced Haitians.
Noah Puckerman: Mmm... Your brain turns me on.
Eleanor Doosenbury: Oh... Oh, oh, oh! I... I might be recently divorced and excruciatily lonely, but I can't be bought.
Noah Puckerman: I not buying you! Just give me a D-minus, and I'll tickle your thighs.
Eleanor Doosenbury: All right, we're done here, Mr. Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Look, lady, if you don't pass me, I'll flunk out.
Eleanor Doosenbury: Oh, well, maybe, oh, just maybe, you could crack open a book and study like everyone else.
Noah Puckerman: I can't! I'm too stupid.
Eleanor Doosenbury: You're not stupid, Noah. You're just lazy.
Noah Puckerman: Screw you. And screw McKinley. I'm out of here! Forever!



Noah Puckerman: # Well, we've got no choice #
# All the girls and boys #
# Makin' all that noise #
# 'Cause they found new toys #
# Well, we can't salute ya #
# Can't find a flag #
# If that don't suit ya, that's a drag #
# School's out for summer #
# School's out forever #
# Ah! #
# School's been blown to pieces #
# No more pencils #
# No more books #
# No more teacher's dirty looks #
# Out for summer #
# Out till fall #
# We might not go back at all #
# School's out forever #
# School's out for summer #
# School's out with fever #
# School's out completely #



Sue Sylvester: Now I realize this room is America's number one destination for cheap, sappy moralizing, but your insensitive behavior is about to subject you to a whole new level of preachiness.
Santana Lopez: Is this about the comment that I made in the hallway earlier?
Roz Washington: You bet your perfectly round ass it is.
Sugar Motta: Coach Sylvester, I hardly think you're one to preach on what we can and cannot joke about.
Santana Lopez: Yeah. You make fun of us all the time.
Sue Sylvester: Sandbags, I admit I can be a bit abrasive. And yes, I've fantasized about slapping each and every one of you square across the face with a sturdy, wet fish. But that doesn't mean you deserve it. No one deserves to get hit.
Mercedes Jones: Coach Sylvester, we already know that.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, and none of our guys would ever do anything like that.
Mercedes Jones: And if they did, we'd just get the hell out.
Shannon Beiste: I don't think the gravity of this is landing with you girls.
Roz Washington: I think that not one of you understand what violence in a home really feels like. When I was growing up, my aunt married a man that was nice to everybody. Used to bring us presents when he came to visit and never had an unkind word to say to anybody. But at home, he had a temper. And that man started beating her. She'd lie, she'd make a joke out of it. She said she'd done this or that wrong. She'd tell my momma he was a good man and she had it coming. It took my aunt five years and a trip to ICU to stop making excuses for that man and get a divorce.
Sue Sylvester: Ladies, the American songbook is chock-full of songs making light of men hitting women. And since the only way to get anything into your thick, dopey heads is to force you to sing about it, for this week's assignment, I want you to turn those songs into songs of empowerment that say, "You lay a hand on me, it's over."



Mike Chang: Blaine, I need some help. Tina wants me to slick my hair back for prom, and I've never used gel, so I have no idea what I'm doing.
Blaine Anderson: Biggest tip I can give you: never brush after you gel. Disaster. Second tip: feel free to use a little sweat or a little splash of water to reactivate the gel or give it a complete new look. See that? It's a whole new 'do, my friend.
Finn Hudson: Hey. I hear you guys talking a lot, but is anybody gonna mention what's missing, what's different here?
Sam Evans: You finally shook the last five pounds. Dude, congrats!
Blaine Anderson: Big deal, big deal.
Finn Hudson: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! It's Puck. He's not here. Dropped completely off the grid. Anybody notice that? Doesn't even log on to Call of Duty tourneys anymore.
Artie Abrams: Oh, no.
Joseph Hart: I'm going into full-blown prayer mode.
Finn Hudson: Look, we need to go all Black Hawk Down here. All he needs to pass is that one test. Either we all graduate together or what was the point of all this? No man gets left behind. We will get him to pass. By any means necessary.
Mike Chang: Right!



Rachel Berry: Excuse me. Um, this is insanity.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, why are you talking to me? I thought you were saving your voice for your audition.
Rachel Berry: No, I vowed not to speak with you unless William and Kate got pregnant, Liza passed or unless one of us was in grave danger.
Kurt Hummel: Tell me Liza's okay.
Rachel Berry: She's fine, but you're not. Okay, I just talked to Blaine and he told me about "Not The Boy Next Door." You cannot sing that for your NYADA your audition.
Kurt Hummel: I need to be excited about this, and this is the first time I've been inspired in this whole process.
Rachel Berry: No, no, it's too controversial, okay? You can't wear Peter Allen's gold lamé pants.
Kurt Hummel: It was too controversial in 1962. Look, the play, and that song, won Hugh Jackman the Tony.
Rachel Berry: I know.
Kurt Hummel: And NYADA is a Broadway school.
Rachel Berry: Yes, but you haven't rehearsed it enough, okay? I'm not singing "Don't Rain on my Parade" because it's my go-to song and because it's impossible for me not to cry when I sing it, but because I have been belting out that song since I was two years old. All right, this is, this is the biggest, biggest moment of our lives here. We cannot be taking risks.
Kurt Hummel: Isn't that the exact moment to take a risk?
Rachel Berry: Kurt, can I be honest with you? I think this is self-sabotage. All right, you're scared you're not going to get in, so you're using something to blame just in case this all doesn't work out.
Kurt Hummel: Do you really think I'm doing that?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. I think you think you're not good enough. But you are good enough. Okay, you don't have to go and do some big, flamboyant number, all right? "Music of the Night" is your "Don't Rain on My Parade."
Kurt Hummel: I'm torn. Uh, I have been practicing Phantom for the last three months.
Rachel Berry: Yes! And-and I believe in you, and I believe that song. So much that I will be your Christine.
Kurt Hummel: You will?
Rachel Berry: I will.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, let's do it! "Music of the Night" it is.
Rachel Berry: Good! All right, good.
Kurt Hummel: Tina won't mind being recast.
Rachel Berry: No, she won't, so...
Kurt Hummel: Oh, that's great! Okay. Okay.
Rachel Berry: NYADA's not gonna know what hit them.
Kurt Hummel: Uh-uh.
Rachel Berry: Trust me.
Kurt Hummel: Okay.



Mercedes Jones: # And now, the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of "The Cell Block Tango." #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pop #
Sugar Motta: # Six #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Squish #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Uh-uh #
Santana Lopez: # Cicero #
Sugar Motta: # Lipschitz #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pop #
Sugar Motta: # Six #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Squish #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Uh-uh #
Santana Lopez: # Cicero #
Sugar Motta: # Lipschitz #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pop #
Sugar Motta: # Six #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Squish #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Uh-uh #
Santana Lopez: # Cicero #
Sugar Motta: # Lipschitz #
Tina, Santana, Sugar & Brittany: # He had it coming, he had it coming #
# He only had himself to blame #
# If you'd have been there #
# If you'd have seen it #
Santana Lopez: # I betcha you would have done the same #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You know how people have these little habits #
# That get you down? Like Bernie. #
# Bernie, he liked to chew gum. #
# No, not chew, pop. #
# So I came home this one day, and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy. #
# And there's Bernie lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewing #
# No, not chewing, popping! #
# So, I said to him, I said, #
# "You pop that gum one more time..." and he did. #
# So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots. #
# Into his head. #
Tina, Santana, Sugar & Brittany: # He had it coming #
# Pop, Six, Squish #
# He had it coming #
# Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz #
# He took a flower in its prime #
# And then he used it #
# Pop #
# And he abused it #
# Six #
# It was a murder, but not a crime #
# Squish, Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz #
Santana Lopez: # Now, I'm standing in the kitchen #
# Carving up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business. #
# In storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. #
# "You been doing the milkman," he says. #
# He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, #
# "You been doing the milkman." #
# And then he ran into my knife. #
# He ran into my knife ten times. #
Brittany & Sugar: # The dirty bum #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Bum, bum, bum, bum #
Brittany & Sugar: # The dirty bum #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Bum, bum, bum, bum #
Sugar Motta: # They had it coming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # They had it coming #
Santana Lopez: # They had it coming #
Sugar Motta: # They had it coming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # They had it coming all along #
Santana Lopez: # They had it coming all along #
Sugar Motta: # 'Cause if they used us #
Santana Lopez: # 'Cause if they used us #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # And they abused us #
Sugar Motta: # And they abused us #
Tina, Santana, Sugar & Brittany: # How could you tell us that we were wrong? #
# Could you tell us that we were wrong? #
Santana Lopez: What happened to Beiste? Uh, did we do something wrong?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you completely butchered one of my all-time favorite Kander and Ebb tunes, while completely missing the point of absolutely everything.
Roz Washington: You girls are cray-cray. You were supposed to pick a song that gave women the self-esteem and courage to get the hell out of an abusive situation. But, oh, no. You pick a song about crazy women in their panties killing their men for chewing gum. How is that supposed to help?



Sue Sylvester: How dare you stand up and leave? We all wanted out of that room.
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry. I was sitting there listening to that song, and I couldn't handle it.
Roz Washington: I was too embarrassed. Why would you be embarrassed? Those girls were the ones stinking up that auditorium.
Shannon Beiste: He hit me. I didn't get hurt boxing at the gym. Cooter hit me. He'd been bugging me all weekend to do the dishes, and I-I promised him I would, but I forgot. And then when he came home from work, I could tell he had had a few drinks. And he started yelling, and I tried to calm him down, and then he hit me. But as soon as it happened, I mean, right away, he was so sorry. And he started crying and begging me to forgive him.
Roz Washington: Sweetheart, you're as big as a house. Why didn't you just turn around and kick his ass?
Shannon Beiste: I'm not a violent person.
Sue Sylvester: Shannon, you have to get out of that house right now.
Shannon Beiste: Can't. I can't leave him.
Roz Washington: Why the hell not?
Shannon Beiste: Because I don't think anybody else is ever going to love me.
Sue Sylvester: Shannon, listen. You're gonna stay with me tonight, okay? If you don't have a change of clothes, I have a tent you can wear.



Mrs. Collins: Looking good, Noah. Hey, the kids are at the neighbors. You want to go for a quickie in the pool house?
Noah Puckerman: Not this time, Mrs. Collins. I'm gonna keep it legit 'cause today's my last day.
Mrs. Collins: Mmm.
Noah Puckerman: Final cleaning's on the house-- a good-bye gift.
Mrs. Collins: Last day? Where are you going? Isn't graduation coming up?
Noah Puckerman: I'm done with school. Don't need it. I'm gonna blow town and get a head start to the West Coast.
Mrs. Collins: Huh. Too bad. I'll miss those abs.
Noah Puckerman: Dad?



Finn Hudson: All right, everyone, listen carefully. Puck's scheduled to arrive at the Schneider's pool at 2:00 p.m., which means he should be there at 3:30. Sam, you're the driver, so stay in the car.
Sam Evans: Well, can I play with the radio?
Finn Hudson: Rory, you're on lookout here.
Rory Flanagan: Who am I looking out for? I mean, besides Puck?
Finn Hudson: Blaine, Mike and myself will triangulate a very carefully planned attack on Puck here, here and here.
Blaine Anderson: Is that a bear I'm hiding behind?
Finn Hudson: No, no, it's a bush.
Blaine Anderson: Looks like a bear.
Finn Hudson: It's not a bear.
Rory Flanagan: Maybe a shrub.
Sam Evans: What's the difference between a shrub and a bush?
Artie Abrams: What do I do?
Finn Hudson: Oh, that's the best part. You're going to be the bait. So, when Puck comes in the gate, you just roll your wheelchair into the pool, and all of a sudden, we...
Mike Chang: Are you all right, dude?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, look like you saw a ghost, man. What's up?
Noah Puckerman: Just saw my dad. I haven't seen him in five years.



Mr. Puckerman: I brought us a little refresher. The last six-pack from my micro-brewery-- Puckerman's Special Sauce.
Noah Puckerman: I'm good.
Mr. Puckerman: Oh, come on. A dad likes to share a beer with his son. Be fine. All right.
Noah Puckerman: So what are you doing here?
Mr. Puckerman: I hate to do this, but, uh, I'm kind of at the end of my rope. I need to borrow some money.
Noah Puckerman: From me?
Mr. Puckerman: Mm-hmm.
Noah Puckerman: For what?
Mr. Puckerman: Rent. Hardest thing for a man to do... is ask for help.



Finn Hudson: What did you do?
Noah Puckerman: I gave it to him. 500 bucks. That's most of my seed money for L.A.
Artie Abrams: I don't get it. Why?
Noah Puckerman: 'Cause I knew if I gave it to him, I'd never have to see him again. You know he dropped out of high school, too? Just kept seeing myself sitting where he was sitting, across from Beth-- no dignity, no future-- begging her for rent money. I cannot let that happen to me. I have to graduate. And to do that, I have to pass this damn European Geography test. Will you help me? Please?
Finn Hudson: Never leave a man behind.
Noah Puckerman: Thanks, bro.



Rachel Berry: Want some Throat Coat?
Kurt Hummel: Oh.
Rachel Berry: Just to avoid last-minute irritation.
Kurt Hummel: Hit me.
Rachel Berry: Okay. So, um, Kurt, you know how they say that knowledge is power?
Kurt Hummel: Mm-hmm.
Rachel Berry: Okay, well, I got some last-minute intel about our NYADA adjudicator, and... well, I don't want to make you any more nervous than you already are.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, now you have to tell me.
Rachel Berry: It's Carmen Tibideaux.
Kurt Hummel: What?
Rachel Berry: My God.
Kurt Hummel: Carmen Tibideaux? She's one of NYADA's most famous-- and infamous-- alums. She's played Broadway. She's performed the most demanding roles in the greatest opera houses in the world. I think I'm going to throw up.
Rachel Berry: Look, my-my dads have been trolling the NYADA chat rooms, and they said that she's been appointed dean of Vocal Performance and Song Interpretation, and now she's going across the country to pick out her own inaugural class.
Carmen Tibideaux: All right.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Rachel, you know the stories of her wrath as well as I do. Once, "La Tibideaux" stopped a performance of Medea at the Met because someone glanced at their watch while she was doing one of her "I'm killing my babies" arias. She destroyed him. Do you think she's going to have any qualms about cutting us off if we displease her?
Carmen Tibideaux: Kurt Hummel.
Rachel Berry: You're going to be amazing. All right, I-I believe in you, and no one can sing this song better than you can.
Kurt Hummel: Even Michael Crawford?
Rachel Berry: Go... go get 'em.
Kurt Hummel: Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be performing "Music of the Night" from the seminal Phantom of the Opera by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. Which I bet you hear a lot of. That song.
Carmen Tibideaux: That, "The Impossible Dream" from La Mancha and "Being Alive" from Company, yes.
Kurt Hummel: It's a safe and standard choice. Which is why I've decided to change things up a bit. Here, in the 11th hour, I've decided to go in a different direction. Something that's a little more out there, but much more me. "Not the Boy Next Door," from the Peter Allen bio-musical, The Boy from Oz. Ladies? I had my swans on standby.
# Coming home used to feel so good #
# I'm a stranger now in my neighborhood #
# I've seen the world at a faster pace #
# And I'm coming now from a different place #
# Though I may look the same way to you #
# Underneath there is somebody new #
# I am not the boy next door #
# I don't belong like I did before #
# Nothing ever seems like it used to be #
# You can have your dreams, but you can't have me #
# Oh, I can't come back there anymore #
# 'Cause I am not the boy next door #
# You've been saving those souvenirs #
# Faded photographs from our foolish years #
# We made plans, but they're wearing thin #
# And they don't work out 'cause I don't fit in #
# And those memories will just weigh you down #
# 'Cause I got no place to keep 'em uptown #
# I am not the boy next door #
# I don't belong like I did before #
# Nothing ever seems like it used to be #
# You can have your dreams, but you can't have me #
# Oh, I can't go back there anymore #
# 'Cause I am not the boy next door #
# Huh! #
# I'm not sorry for just being me #
# But if you look past the past, you can see #
# Nothing ever seems like it used to be #
# You can have your dreams, oh, but you can't have me #
# I can't go back there anymore #
# 'Cause I am not #
# You are not #
# I am not #
# You are not #
# I am not #
# The boy next door. #
Carmen Tibideaux: You know, Hugh Jackman won a Tony Award for playing Peter Allen. Hugh trained with me the summer I was in residence at the Sydney Opera House, and I'm certain that he would have been... as impressed with what you did with that song as I am. A bold choice, young man. I congratulate you for taking such a risk today.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.



Rachel Berry: Millions of moments have led up to this moment. All you have to do is just be yourself because you're a star.
Finn Hudson: I'll second that. You nervous?
Rachel Berry: Oddly enough, not at all. No, I'm... I'm ready.
Carmen Tibideaux: Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry: Hi. I'm Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing "Don't Rain on My Parade" from my favorite musical, Funny Girl.
# Don't tell me not to live #
# Just sit and putter #
# Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter #
# Don't bring around a cloud #
# To rain on my parade #
# Don't tell me not to fly #
# I've simply got to #
# Life's candy and the sun's a... #
Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. Please, let me just start over one more time. I'm sorry. Please just start over again one more time.
# Don't tell me not to live #
# Just sit and putter #
# Life's candy and the sky's a... #
Finn Hudson: Oh, God.
Kurt Hummel: This isn't happening.
Rachel Berry: I'm... I'm so sorry. I don't know... I know this song backwards. I know this... Okay. Please, let me just do it one more time. I can start it over one more time.
Carmen Tibideaux: No.
Rachel Berry: Excuse me?
Carmen Tibideaux: You get eight bars. I gave you 16. Do you know what happens when you forget the words on Broadway? They give the job to your understudy. I'm very sorry, but this audition is over.
Rachel Berry: No, please...please, please, please. You have to believe me. You just have to... please just give me one more chance, please. Please. Please.



Rory Flanagan: What's the biggest city in Ireland?
Noah Puckerman: Blarneycock.
Sam Evans: Dude, he's pointing right at it. Come on.
Noah Puckerman: My brain is fried. It's freaking 3:00 in the morning.
Artie Abrams: That's awesome-- we've still got nine hours to cram before your test.
Joseph Hart: How's Rachel?
Finn Hudson: Uh... upset. Devastated. Wants to be alone. Her dads are doing something called sitting shivah. I mean... I just don't get it. It was a total choke. Okay. So, let's hop on back to sunny Spain. Hey, look, here's a fun fact: Spain is considered a mostly mountainous country, interspersed with picturesque plateaus and arid valleys.
Joseph Hart: That's fascinating.
Noah Puckerman: No, it's not. Who the hell cares? Not even Einstein uses this crap.
Blaine Anderson: So wipe it from your memory tomorrow, after your test.
Finn Hudson: Now, for the bonus round. Which region of Spain receives the most rainfall?
Noah Puckerman:I don't know.
Finn Hudson: You do. Just think about it, dude. The rain in Spain falls mainly...
Noah Puckerman: Whatever. In the flatlands. The plains.
Finn Hudson: What was that?
Noah Puckerman: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
Finn Hudson: Again.
Noah Puckerman: # The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Finn Hudson: # I think he's got it #
# I think he's got it #
Noah Puckerman: # The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Blaine Anderson: # By George, he's got it #
# By George, he's got it #
Finn Hudson: # Now, once again, where does it rain? #
Noah Puckerman: # On the plain, on the plain #
Finn Hudson: # And where's that soggy plain? #
Noah Puckerman: # In Spain #
# In Spain #
# The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Finn Hudson: # Bravo! #
Noah & Finn: # The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
Noah Puckerman: # The rain in Spain #
Mike Chang: # In Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire #
Noah Puckerman: # Hurricanes hardly happen #
# How kind of you to let me come #
Finn Hudson: # Now, once again, where does it rain? #
Noah Puckerman: # On the plain, on the plain #
Finn Hudson: # And where's that blasted plain? #
Noah Puckerman: # In Spain, in Spain #
# The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain #
# The rain in Spain #
# The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. #
Blaine Anderson: All right.
Artie Abrams: Ow! Okay. Moving on. What rhymes with "preindustrial European deforestation"? Anybody?



Sue Sylvester: Shannon, I'm very upset with you. You promised to stay the night at my house. I made up my sofa bed for you. I ruined my tent fashioning a neck hole in it. And what am I supposed to do with those nine whole chickens in my fridge?
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry, Sue. I forgot to call you. But I'm okay. I spent all last night moving in with my sister, Denise.
Sue Sylvester: Your sister's name is Denise Beiste? Well, Coach, I'm glad to hear that you're okay. And I hope that whatever bridge Denise Beiste lives under is nice and cozy. Beiste, I really admire what you're doing. I know how difficult it must be.
Shannon Beiste: Not as difficult as what I'm about to do.



Shannon Beiste: Girls, I have a confession to make. It's a really hard thing to talk about, but I feel like I owe it to you. I didn't get hit by a punching bag. I got hit by my husband.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Are you serious?
Brittany S. Pierce: Did he break his hand?
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry I lied to you about it. But nobody tells you what you're supposed to do when something like this happens. I was shocked, I was... ashamed. So I made excuses for myself, to make it okay. And I heard you girls say that you thought your boyfriends would never do anything to you like that. And a week ago, I would've said exactly the same thing. And I was wrong.
Santana Lopez: But Cooter always seemed like such a nice guy.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, I always just thought he was a big, smiley doofus.
Shannon Beiste: He is. Most of the time. But nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Are you considering pressing charges?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. And more than that, I got out of there, and I moved in with my sister, and that feels really good. But you girls? You not only opened my eyes to this... you maybe even saved my life. Thank you.



Eleanor Doosenbury: Eyes on your paper, Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Focus. You can do this. Okay. "What area of the Spanish countryside receives the highest annual rainfall?" Holy crap! I know that one. In the plain, in the plain. Question two: "Name three counties in England where violent storms rarely occur." This is the easiest test ever! Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire! Puck-gellen is on a roll. Question three: "What was the capital of the Austria-Hungarian empire? Wait, that's not in the song.



Mike Chang: How do you think you did?
Noah Puckerman: My best.
Blaine Anderson: Did you pass?
Sam Evans: Does your head hurt? 'Cause sometimes after I take a test, my head hurts. It's usually a good sign.
Noah Puckerman: You know, it's weird, but... I think I did. Thanks to you guys. So thank you. All of you. You know, it's hard growing up without a dad, because you don't have any dude role models, except NFL players and video game characters. But I lucked out because instead of one dad, I got a whole gang of them. You guys showed me what it means to be a man. Not just last night, but for four years. Even you, Blaine.
Blaine Anderson: Thanks?
Sam Evans: Let's hug it out.
Blaine Anderson: Aw, yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Bring it in, guys. On hand. All the time.



Shannon Beiste: You girls wanted to see me?
Tina Cohen-Chang: We wanted the chance to say that we're sorry, and we had no idea.
Mercedes Jones: No idea that this was really happening to someone we care so much about.
Santana Lopez: And we're really proud of you for sticking up for yourself and getting out. And we owe you a song.
# Regrets collect like old friends #
# Here to relive #
# Your darkest moments #
# I can see no way #
# I can see no way #
# And all of the ghouls #
# Come out to play #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Every demon wants his pound of flesh #
# But I like to keep #
# Some things to myself #
# I like to keep my issues drawn #
# It's always darkest #
# Before the dawn #
Mercedes Jones: # And I've been a fool #
# And I've been blind #
# I can never leave the past behind #
# I can see no way #
# I can see no way #
Mercedes & Tina: # I'm always dragging #
# That horse around #
# Our love is pastured #
# Such a mournful sound #
Mercedes Jones: # Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground #
Santana Lopez: # 'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn #
# It's always darkest before the dawn #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back #
# So shake him off, ooh whoa #
Santana Lopez: # And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back #
Mercedes Jones: # And given half the chance #
# Would I take any of it back? #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # It's always darkest before the dawn #
Mercedes Jones: # Looking for heaven #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # Found the devil in me #
# Looking for heaven #
Mercedes Jones: # Found the devil in me #
# But what the hell? #
Tina, Mercedes & Santana: # I'm gonna let it happen to me... yeah #
# Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# Shake it out, shake it out #
# Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
# And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back #
# So shake him off, ooh whoa #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, whoa-oh-oh #
Santana & Tina: # Shake it out, shake it out #
Mercedes Jones: # Shake it out #
Santana & Tina: # Shake it out, shake it out #
Mercedes Jones: # Shake... #
Santana & Tina: # Ooh whoa #
# Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh whoa... #



Cooter Menkins: Thank you, Shannon. For... giving me a second chance.



Shannon Beiste: Thank you. Thank you, girls. You're beautiful. Get over here.



Kurt Hummel: Can I just say, for the record, that Carmen Tibideaux is a total bitch. I mean, she should've let you start over.
Rachel Berry: She did.
Kurt Hummel: I mean, a second time. You killed the beginning of that song. I-I wouldn't be surprised if you got accepted just from that.
Rachel Berry: Kurt, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but... we both know what happened. All right? I had my chance, and I choked. I choked on a song that I've been singing my entire life. And now it's over, and there's no one to blame but me. You were amazing, though. You were. I mean, you went with your gut, and-and you were better than you've ever been. You and Finn are gonna be great in New York together.
Kurt Hummel: Well, you're coming, too. Of course you're coming. Even if it doesn't work out with NYADA, you'll find...
Rachel Berry: Could we just not talk about this anymore, please? It's just... I haven't... I haven't slept in like two days, and I just am tired really tired of talking about it, okay?
Kurt Hummel: I love you, Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry: I love you, too.
Rachel Berry: # If anyone asks #
# I'll tell them we both just moved on #
# When people all stare #
# I'll pretend that I #
# Don't hear them talk #
# Whenever I see you #
# I'll swallow my pride #
# And bite my tongue #
# Pretend I'm okay with it all #
# Act like there's nothing wrong #
# Is it over yet? #
# Can I open my eyes? #
# Is this as hard as it gets? #
# Is this what it feels like to really #
# Cry? #
# Cry #
# I'm talking in circles #
# I'm lying, they know it #
# Why won't this just #
# All go away? #
# Is it over yet? #
# Can I open my eyes? #
# Is this as hard as it gets? #
# Is this what it feels like to really #
# Cry? #
# Cry #
# Cry... #
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319. Prom-asaurus

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Rachel choked at her NYADA audition, which meant she blew the biggest audition of her life.
Finn Hudson: Oh, God.
Ian Brennan: Which, as far as she's concerned, is now pretty much over.
Rachel Berry: I had my chance and I choked.
Ian Brennan: Quinn's in a wheelchair, but her rehab's going well, partly because Joe's been going with her. Brittany probably forgot she was elected senior class president. And Puck failed his big geography exam about Iberian precipitation, which means he's not gonna graduate. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Rachel Berry: Everything dies. Maybe the saddest death of all is the death of a dream. For 18 years, I've had one dream: Broadway, stardom. It was like wings that kept me hovering above the fray. But I flew too close to the sun and now they're gone and I'm just Rachel Barbra Berry of Lima, Ohio... a flightless bird. A penguin. Do I look different? I feel different. In some ways, it's a relief... to be part of the crowd. My dreams are smaller now, maybe even more real... the wedding, winning Nationals... but first, prom. I'll never walk the red carpet as a Tony or Golden Globe nominee. That's what you get for having no backup plan. Prom is my night to trip the light fantastic. Next to my wedding, my prom dress will be the most important gown I ever wear. I'm surprisingly okay with it all. That dream was just a favorite old sweater that I kept around even though it didn't fit anymore. I can grieve it and move on. I may have lost NYADA, but I still have Finn. So I'm not going to get everything I thought I ever wanted. Doesn't make me a loser.



Rachel Berry: What are you doing?
Becky Jackson: I am practicing my Prom Queen victory wave. I'm going to win.
Rachel Berry: You know, there's a lot of stiff competition this year, Becky. I wouldn't want you to be disappointed.
Becky Jackson: Would you mind taking your loser talk somewhere else? I don't want to catch your failure.



Principal Figgins: Sexy teen trollop. Many months ago, to much fanfare, you were elected senior class president.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, yeah.
Principal Figgins: Since that day, you have accomplished nothing except one memorandum written in crayon saying "Drill, baby, drill."
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I no longer believe we should be drilling for babies.
Principal Figgins: Your do-nothing presidency has me seriously considering abolishing the post altogether. And as you are flunking each of your classes, you need class president on your transcript if you hope to gain admittance into college.
Brittany S. Pierce: No, I don't. I've already been accepted at Perdue.
Principal Figgins: The university?
Brittany S. Pierce: No, the chicken factory.
Principal Figgins: Miss Pierce, you are making a mockery of this student government, and if you don't make an impact with the rest of your term, your presidency will be this school's last!
Brittany S. Pierce: I now realize I wasted an entire year belaboring the nuances of my fluid teen sexuality and getting caught up in Lord Tubbington's Ponzi schemes. Then for a while, I stopped talking. But I don't want my presidency to be the last one at McKinley. I don't want that to be my legacy.
Principal Figgins: Well, Madame President, prom is coming up. And if you want to rehabilitate your image, perhaps that's where you should start.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay.



Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know who any of you guys are.
Girl: Oh, we're the Prom Committee. We've been meeting since September.
Liz: We've sent you 14 memos.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you get my memo about drilling for babies?
Girl: No.
Brittany S. Pierce: Good. 'Cause that's not the solution to soaring gas prices.
Clark Hummings: We're a little behind schedule, but we think we have a great theme for this year's prom.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cool.
Girl: This year's prom theme is... "Castles in the Clouds."
Brittany S. Pierce: Nice. I like your unicorns; Those are great. But I'm gonna have to say never, 'cause there's no way I'm ever gonna let that happen. Castles are very heavy, so putting them on clouds would be extremely dangerous. I seriously think the three of you should be put in jail.
Clark Hummings: Okay. Um, what about... "Stairway to Heaven"?
Brittany S. Pierce: Not unless we also build escalators to heaven for the disabled students. Plus, I'm not really sure if they're even allowed into heaven. It's clear that the three of you are incompetent fools, possibly some sort of terrorist cell. So, as president, I'm gonna decide what the prom theme is going to be this year. And I think... that it should be... "Dinosaurs."
Clark Hummings: Dinosaurs?!
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. The Bible told me that dinosaurs and cavemen lived side by side for millions of years in peace, and I think that's something that we should totally celebrate.
Girl: No, you can't be serious.
Liz: That's the worst prom theme ever.
Brittany S. Pierce: When you insult my dinosaur prom theme, that's bullying, and I will not accept it. By the power vested in me as president, you are all fired. Sorry, Rachel, that includes you. But I guess I'll see you in Glee Club, so... Good meeting, guys.



Sue Sylvester: Good morning, McKinley High! First of all, to those of you thoughtful enough to leave maternity gifts outside my office, both I and my unborn child thank you for your lackluster Cracker Barrel meat-and-cheese medleys, and I'm sure that my trash can will find them delicious. Now it's time to announce this year's Senior Prom Court nominees. Your choices for Prom King are... Rick "The Stick" Nelson.
Rick Nelson: Yeah! You know this!
Sue Sylvester: President Brittany S. Pierce. That's weird. And also, Finn Hudson. And now on to the category we all really care about: Prom Queen.
Becky Jackson: Becky for Prom Queen 2012!
Sue Sylvester: Missy Gunderson. Santana Lopez. And Quinn Fabray. Congratulations to all our nominees... Becky, Becky, Becky! That's an antique!
Becky Jackson: I was robbed, Coach!



Finn Hudson: So are you bummed you didn't get nominated for Prom Queen?
Rachel Berry: In what world would I ever be nominated for Prom Queen?
Finn Hudson: Well, I voted for you. And I got that crossed-eyed dude in my study hall to vote for you, too.
Rachel Berry: That's very sweet of you, but I'm not upset at all actually, because I am gonna be spending my entire prom night dancing with my devastatingly handsome future husband to be. We'll make your posters later, okay?
Will Schuester: Okay! A big congrats to all our prom nominees! But, hey, listen up. We are all winners, because Principal Figgins asked New Directions to sing again this year! Come on!
Noah Puckerman: Fantastic.
Will Schuester: All right. Brittany has an announcement.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hello, my fellow Americans. The theme for this year's prom will be... "Dinosaurs."
Santana Lopez: Sheer genius.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thanks. I was inspired by the new girl Joe, who reminds me of a cavewoman. The refreshments will be berries, meat and rainwater. As you are no doubt aware, the U.S. elections are riddled with corruption. Therefore, to keep the prom elections completely aboveboard, I have appointed Santana and Quinn to count the ballots.
Kurt Hummel: What? That makes no sense!
Santana Lopez: Shut it, Richard Simmons. Yes, Quinn's my homegirl, but I don't trust her, and you know she doesn't trust me.
Quinn Fabray: We'll keep each other honest.
Mercedes Jones: You know, It's actually not a bad idea.
Brittany S. Pierce: And last but not least, all hair gel has been banned from the prom.
Blaine Anderson: Right.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm actually not joking. Hair gel was not invented until almost 30 million years after the Upper Paleolithic Stone Age. And frankly, I don't like the way you look. Therefore, anyone who shows up to prom wearing hair gel will be turned away at the door. I hereby decree this to be the best prom : Ever.
Will Schuester: Okay. Let's start thinking of... dinosaur songs.



Rachel Berry: Hey, did you know about this? I know you knew about this 'cause it was hung at eye level and I know Quinn couldn't reach up that high to put it there.
Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa. Remember when I told you that if you come at me with the crazy right off the bat that my head goes all empty and I can't really have a productive conversation?
Rachel Berry: This isn't crazy, this is mad, this is hurt.
Finn Hudson: This isn't a big deal.
Rachel Berry: Not a big deal? I'm gonna have to watch my fiancé dance in front of the entire school with his ex-girlfriend at my senior prom.
Finn Hudson: If you haven't noticed, Quinn can't dance. She just about died coming to our wedding. She asked me if I would campaign with her, and I figured it was the least I could do for our friend. I can't believe how selfish you're being.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of having a bad week myself. I can't believe that my entire high school career is gonna end the exact same way it started... just some sad little Jewish girl watching you get all the attention with the pretty blonde cheerleader.



Quinn Fabray: Oh...
Joseph Hart: Come on. Good, good, good. Come on. All right, now let go of your hands. You got this. Just-just let go. I promise you'll be okay. You got it. Good. Come on. This is all you. Look at you. You have it. Just-just... No-no-no-no-no! Are you okay?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, I'm okay.
Joseph Hart: I knew you could do it. That was fantastic. You're amazing.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you for always coming with me.
Joseph Hart: Totally selfish. I get to hang with you. Take a break, then let's show everyone. Glee and...
Quinn Fabray: No, no.
Joseph Hart: Why? This is huge.
Quinn Fabray: Because it has to be real. I mean... you know, maybe if I practiced a lot, I could walk into the choir room. Or even prom. So until then, just promise me you won't tell anybody.
Joseph Hart: You're gonna be dancing at prom. I know it.



Becky Jackson: I, Becky Faye Jackson, was born to be Queen, but my crown has been stolen. Queens don't always have to look the same, you know. Sometimes they look different. Sometimes they're shorter. Or wear glasses. What are you smiling about, poster-people? And stop staring at me! It's not fun to be stared at.



Sue Sylvester: Becky, I understand you're upset, but this scorched earth reign of terror must come to an end. First, you declared war on xylophones. Then, you ransacked the cafeteria line.
Becky Jackson: But, Coach, I want to be Prom Queen, just like I just saw in that commercial.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, Becky, commercials aren't real life. Advertisers are manipulative alcoholics who use images to play on our emotions. Haven't you seen Mad Men?
Becky Jackson: No.
Sue Sylvester: Neither have I. Becky, let's be realistic: You just didn't have the votes. For starters, your posters sent a bit of a mixed message.
Becky Jackson: But my paintbrush doesn't have spell check, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: And second... and I mean this as a compliment... you're a bitch, Becky. With a bad attitude. And honestly, with Quinn Fabray in a wheelchair, the sympathy vote was split. But here's the goods. You're coming to prom with me, Becky Jackson, where I'm making you deputy in charge of guarding the punch bowl. Chin up, Jackson. And please be careful walking past my brand-new xylophone. That's the attitude right there, Becky.
Rachel Berry: # The smell of your skin #
# Lingers on me now #
# You're probably on your flight #
# Back to your hometown #
# I need some shelter #
# Of my own protection, baby #
# Be with myself and center #
# Clarity, peace, serenity #
Kurt Hummel: # I hope you know #
# I hope you know #
# That this has nothing to do with you #
# It's personal, myself and I #
# We've got some straightening out to do #
Rachel & Blaine: # And I'm gonna miss you #
# Like a child misses their blanket #
# But I've got to get a move on with my life #
# It's time to be a big girl now #
Rachel, Blaine & Kurt: # And big girls don't cry #
Rachel Berry: # But it's time for me to go home #
# It's getting late and dark outside #
# I need to be with myself and center #
# Clarity, peace, serenity, yeah #
Kurt Hummel: # I hope you know #
# I hope you know #
# That this has nothing to do with you #
# It's personal, myself and I #
# We've got some straightening out to do #
Rachel & Blaine: # And I'm gonna miss you #
# Like a child misses their blanket #
# But I've got to get a move on with my life #
# It's time to be a big girl now #
Rachel, Blaine & Kurt: # And big girls don't cry #
Blaine Anderson: Rehearsing for prom? 'Cause I love that song, but it's sort of a downer, don't you think?
Rachel Berry: It's just how I'm feeling right now, okay? I don't want to watch Finn and Quinn get crowned the king and queen at my prom. I don't want to watch him dance with her. I-I know that she can't really dance anymore, but... I'm sorry. You know...you know what I mean.
Kurt Hummel: She's right. Prom sucks. I don't want to go, either.
Blaine Anderson: Well, you have to go. You're the reigning prom queen. You have to crown the next one.
Kurt Hummel: As much as I love a good coronation, I can't risk it. With this school's strong and insane tradition of write-in ballots, I could get elected prom queen again, all right? And I know I put on a brave face last year, but it was humiliating. And, had I known, I would have worn a full kilt, so...
Blaine Anderson: How do you think I feel with Brittany's insane ban on hair gel? It's prom. There's going to be balloons all over the place, not to mention the taffeta and the silk blends. The sheer amount of static electricity in that room is going to be terrifying.
Kurt Hummel: It's crazy.
Blaine Anderson: You've never seen my hair without gel... it's-it's baby-hair fine. No, it... I'm going to look like Medusa. It's not funny. I don't want to go.
Kurt Hummel: Well, if we're all going to be so miserable about it, who says we have to go?
Rachel Berry: You're right, Kurt. But I have a better idea.



Rachel Berry: So Kurt and Blaine and I are throwing an anti-prom party.
Mercedes Jones: What's an anti-prom party?
Rachel Berry: It's a party for those of us who maybe feel a little, you know, disenfranchised by the actual prom. And I got us a hotel room at Lima's best hotel, Red Rooster Express Suite, and everyone's invited.
Quinn Fabray: You're supporting this?
Finn Hudson: I'm supporting her, and I'll be there as soon as I'm done fulfilling my... obligations.
Kurt Hummel: The mood will be celebratory, the food will be catered, the libations will be plentiful, and the dress code will be creative black tie.
Rachel Berry: Optional, optional, optional. And keeping up with the anti-prom theme, everyone is welcome, and unlike the actual prom, which ends at 11:00 p.m., ours goes until the wee hours of the night. It's where the fun's at, you guys.
Santana Lopez: Okay, how is everyone welcome when this is clearly just a party for you and the two gay Winklevii twins?
Rachel Berry: Actually, Santana, we've invited most of McKinley's underclassmen.



Rachel Berry: I wanted to invite you to our anti-prom party.
Becky Jackson: Who's going?
Rachel Berry: Me, Kurt...
Becky Jackson: Boring. Who else?
Rachel Berry: Well, we just came up with the idea.
Becky Jackson: I'll think about it.



Noah Puckerman: I'm in.
Artie Abrams: But what about your tradition of trying to spike Coach Sylvester's punch bowl? I almost lost my teeth for it last time.
Noah Puckerman: It's impossible. Plus it's a bummer, always failing... at everything.
Santana Lopez: Can we just talk about what this really is? Rachel Berry isn't getting her way, so she's punishing the rest of us.
Rachel Berry: Santana, that's not the case at all.
Santana Lopez: Stop acting like you're fine and start dealing with your crap. Look, you choked at your big audition. I get it. I'm sorry, but it happens. And I understand that you're pissed off at the universe, but imploding on one of the last nights that we have to spend together because, basically, you're just not in the mood to dance is maybe the pettiest thing you have ever done. So have fun at your "I'm a victim" party, acting like you're not some selfish, self-centered, lame-ass wannabe diva from hell, because me, I'm going to go to my senior prom with my girlfriend and my friends.



Quinn Fabray: You can't be too pleased by that stunt Rachel's pulling.
Finn Hudson: I'm not, but I kind of feel bad for her. She's going through a lot of rough stuff.
Quinn Fabray: Rough stuff? Did you forget that you're talking to a girl in a wheelchair?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, looks good.
Quinn Fabray: We've come full circle.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, just like old times.
Quinn Fabray: Though, to be clear, there will be no extracurricular activity this time. I'm going to Yale, and there are no tire store majors there.
Finn Hudson: Well, neither are there at the Actors Studio, where I'm applying.
Girl: Oh, my God. Quinn Fabray... you're so brave to be doing this.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you. The atrophy in my leg is a constant reminder of the slow, withering remnants of my past life. The toll can, at times, be physically and emotionally hard, knowing that I may never walk again. People like you inspire me. Your healthy, normal legs are beautiful.
Girl: You deserve this. You've got my vote.
Finn Hudson: Wow, that was super creepy.
Quinn Fabray: It won't be when we're standing up on that stage soaking up the applause.
Finn Hudson: Don't you feel kind of weird using your injury to get the sympathy vote like that?
Quinn Fabray: Votes are votes, Finn. Do you want to win or not?



Mike Chang: This is awesome. I actually really love dinosaurs. Whoa. Triceratops.
Brittany S. Pierce: # D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# An O-L-D M-A-N #
# You're just an old man #
# Hitting on me, what? #
# You need a CAT scan #
# Yeah, you're pretty old #
# Not long till you're a senior citizen #
# And you can strut around with that sexy tank of oxygen #
# Honey, your toupee is falling to your left side #
# Get up and go, bro #
# Oh, wait, you're fossilized, ha #
# You sit down, buy me a martini #
# Won't go away, my hips aren't sinking #
# You say #
# "Hey, wanna come with me?" #
# I'm about to barf, seriously #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# An O-L-D M-A-N #
# You're just an old man #
# Hitting on me, what? #
# You need a CAT scan #
# Hey, dinosaur #
# Baby, you're prehistoric #
# Hey, dinosaur #
# That's what you are, ha #
# Hey, carnivore #
# You want my meat, I know it #
# Hey, dinosaur #
# That's what you are, ha... #
Sue Sylvester: Hudson Hog, take a deep, meaningful drink of Sue Sylvester's Special Prombrosia. I don't know if it's the sentimental fetus in me talking, but I think it's my best batch ever. Nothing but Fruit Juicy Red, Manhattan Seltzer and seven tablespoons of Visine, just so we get out of here on time.
Finn Hudson: Uh, have you seen Quinn? I-I want to make sure that I can, uh, get her and her wheelchair up on stage when she wins.
Sue Sylvester: Well, she had a couple of cups of punch earlier, so I'd probably start with the little girls' room.
Brittany S. Pierce: # D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# That's what you are, ha. #



Finn Hudson: Hello. Hey, Quinn, Quinn, you in here? You... you can walk?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Isn't it amazing? You're seeing me take my first steps.
Finn Hudson: So you-you... you lied to us. To everybody.
Quinn Fabray: No, I mean, my legs are getting better, but I wanted it to be a surprise. You know, for when I walk up there and... and get my crown. The crowd will go wild. I really want this.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. You may want this, but Rachel needs me, and... and I picked you over her. Do you know how stupid that makes me feel? You have everything. You're going to have your crown. You're going to go to Yale. Rachel has none of that. And tonight, thanks to you, she doesn't even have me.
Quinn Fabray: We're a shoo-in. I need you.
Finn Hudson: No, you don't need me, okay? I-I-I thought going through all that terrible stuff this year made you cooler, but no, you're still the same old Quinn. All that matters is you.
Quinn Fabray: Come on, stop! Please. Look, it's mandatory for the nominees to have at least one dance together. I know you don't understand how much this means to me, but... will you please just stay here for me? Please.



Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God.
Rachel Berry: All right. Let the very first annual McKinley High Anti-Prom begin.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, look, there's chocolates on the pillows.
Blaine Anderson: We got room service.
Becky Jackson: Minibar! Whoo! Nice!
Noah Puckerman: So, uh, what should we do now?
Becky Jackson: Duh... play strip poker. I brought condoms.
Kurt Hummel: Becky, Blaine and I are gay, remember?
Becky Jackson: Never stopped me before.
Rachel Berry: Well, I mean, no matter what, it'll be better than prom.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah! Who wants to be in that smelly old gym, anyway?
Noah Puckerman: Prom's a sucker's paradise.
Becky Jackson: Prom sucks! Let's get wasted! Whoo!
Rachel Berry: Becky, Becky, we appreciate your enthusiasm, but will you just keep it down with the shouting?
Becky Jackson: Keep your big honking nose out of it, Berry! Oh, snap! Oh snap!
Blaine Anderson: So, I wouldn't mind watching a little TV. Um, maybe some Bravo?
Noah Puckerman: Dude, it's a hotel. It's gotta be Skinemax.
Rachel Berry: We could put on a fashion show!
Kurt Hummel: Yeah! Let's go all Sound of Music and make some old-timey couture out of the drapes and bedsheets, huh?
Becky Jackson: Too gay!
Noah Puckerman: I second that.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'd love to show you guys my prom dress. I wouldn't want it to go completely to waste. It's in my car. I can go get it.
Becky Jackson: Worst anti-prom ever!



Santana Lopez: # It's been said and done #
# Every beautiful thought's been already sung #
# And I guess right now here's another one #
# So your melody will play on and on #
# With the best of 'em #
Sam Evans: First time we danced together like this was at last year's prom.
Mercedes Jones: I remember.
Sam Evans: And remember when I told you we were gonna get back together and you told me I was crazy? Crazy.
Mercedes Jones: That's 'cause you are.
Sam Evans: Yeah, but you kind of love it.
Santana Lopez: # And I want you to know, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby # Looks like everyone's happy tonight.
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# And I keep hitting repeat- peat, peat, peat, peat, peat #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# I, I love you like a long song, baby #
# And I keep hitting repeat- peat, peat, peat, peat, peat #
# Constantly, girl, you play #
# Through my mind like a symphony #
# There's no way to describe what you do to me #
# You just do me #
# What you do #
# And it feels like I've been rescued #
Tina & Brittany: # Rescued #
Santana Lopez: # I've been set free #
Tina & Brittany: # Set free #
Santana Lopez: # I am hypnotized by destiny #
Tina & Brittany: # Destiny #
Santana Lopez: # You are magical, lyrical, beautiful #
# You are, and I want you to know, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
Quinn Fabray: It's just one dance. Can you finish it with me?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I will... as soon as you stand up and show everybody how much you deserve this, how much you deserve to be Prom Queen.
Quinn Fabray: Are you really doing this right now?
Finn Hudson: What, making you walk? Make you stand up and show everybody how much of a crazy liar you are? Yeah. Come on. Stand up!
Joseph Hart: What's going on, dude?
Finn Hudson: Did you know that she could walk, too? You must have with all that physical therapy you've been giving.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, just finish the dance with me!
Finn Hudson: Stand the hell up! Come on!
Joseph Hart: What is wrong with you?!
Sue Sylvester: Hey, hey, hey! You forcing me to eject you from yet another prom, Hudson?
Finn Hudson: Not this time, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Good idea, Frumps. What are you looking at, Jar-Jar Binks?



Becky Jackson: Touch those peanut M&M's, and I will end you.
Blaine Anderson: This is a repeat. It's the one with the passive-aggressive lesbian and the doggy care.
Kurt Hummel: I wish Tabatha would take over this anti-prom. Gosh, this sucks.
Blaine Anderson: Yeah, well...
Kurt Hummel: If you wanted to go to the prom, I would have gone with you.
Blaine Anderson: I am not going to give into Brittany's insane ban on hair gel. Freedom to use hair care products? It's in the Bill of Rights.
Kurt Hummel: Didn't the founding fathers all wear wigs?
Blaine Anderson: You haven't seen me without an enormous amount of gel in my hair. It's, it's really bad.
Becky Jackson: Finally, the room service is here. I want my shrimp cocktail!
Finn Hudson: Hey, Becky. Where's Rachel?
Becky Jackson: She's been in the bathroom for 45 minutes. I'm guessing the runs.
Rachel Berry: All right, let's let the anti-prom fashion extravaganza begin.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: What are you doing here?
Finn Hudson: Well, I'll keep it simple. I love you. You're beautiful. Prom sucks without you. Prom sucks without all of you, guys. This is the last t time we're gonna get to be together like this. I want to dance with my fiancé, dance with my friends.
Blaine Anderson: Well, I'll just pretend to be an iceculpture if Brittany sees me, and then she'll just pass me by.
Rachel Berry: So, you guys gonna come?
Becky Jackson: Not until I get my shrimp cocktail.
Noah Puckerman: I'm good. And you guys go ahead.
Finn Hudson: Come on, dude. You're my wingman.
Noah Puckerman: I'll go next year.
Rachel Berry: Come.
Becky Jackson: Are you ready for strip poker, Puckerman? Socks count as one item.



Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so glad you guys came.
Finn Hudson: Better late than never, right?
Rachel Berry: Come on. Let's dance.
Joseph Hart: # You're insecure, don't know what for #
Brittany S. Pierce: No, sorry, Blaine. I said no hair gel, remember? I can totally smell it.
Santana Lopez: Let's go!
Kurt Hummel: You can do this.
Joseph Hart: # The way that you are is enough #
Rory Flanagan: # Everyone else in the room can see it #
# Everyone else but you #
Artie & Joseph: # Baby, you light up my world like nobody else #
# The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed #
# But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell #
# You don't know, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful #
# If only you saw what I can see #
# You'll understand why I want you so desperately #
# Right now I'm looking at you #
# And I can't believe you don't know, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh #
# That's what makes you beautiful #
Sam Evans: # Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na-na, na-na #
# Baby, you light up my world like nobody else #
# The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed #
# But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell #
Rory Flanagan: # You don't know, oh-oh #
Joseph Hart: # You don't know you're beautiful #
Artie & Joseph: # Baby, you light up my world like nobody else #
# The way you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed #
# But when you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell #
# You don't know, oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful #
Joseph Hart: # If only you saw what I can see #
# You'll understand why I want you so desperately #
# Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe #
# You don't know, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh #
# That's what makes you beautiful #



Becky Jackson: Suck on these, Puckerman. Trip aces.
Noah Puckerman: Crap. I'm getting sharked. Where'd you learn to play?
Becky Jackson: In the joint.
Noah Puckerman: Well, I'm one losing hand away from an extremely awkward situation, so would you mind laying off a little bit?
Becky Jackson: I can't. I'm too pissed off.
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Becky Jackson: 'Cause I didn't get nominated for prom queen like that girl in the commercial. Coach Sue said I couldn't get the votes.
Noah Puckerman: You really wanted that crown, huh?
Becky Jackson: More than anything. It hurts, Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Becky Jackson... I'm putting some clothes on 'cause I have an idea.
Becky Jackson: Really?
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, check it out. We still haven't crowned a king and queen for the anti-prom, have we?
Becky Jackson: No, we haven't.
Noah Puckerman: I'm gonna bust out my knife. If you ask me, I think the anti-prom's the most important prom of all. First, we need a king.
Becky Jackson: Nice.
Noah Puckerman: And then now, we need a queen. Hmm...
Becky Jackson: I hope I get it.
Noah Puckerman: Becky Jackson... I crown you the Queen of the anti-prom. Take a look.
Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh! I did it. I'm so happy.
Noah Puckerman: Your Highness, what do you say we get out of here?
Becky Jackson: Sure. My prince.



Quinn Fabray: Hey, I got your text. You have three minutes. The voting has started, and I need to get out there and press the flesh.
Rachel Berry: Look, I owe you an apology. I-I found out that you and Finn were campaigning together, and I kind of freaked out. I got really jealous and irrational, I just, I should have been supportive.
Quinn Fabray: Well, since I had no idea that was going on, it's pretty easy to forgive you. So I'm glad we cleared this up.
Rachel Berry: Wait. Do you not understand what you mean to me? When we first met, you were everything I wanted to be: You were beautiful and popular, and you had Finn.
Quinn Fabray: How the mighty have fallen.
Rachel Berry: No, you don't understand. I still see you the same way, okay? That's why I got so crazy. Because I wasn't seeing the new Quinn. The still-beautiful, but humbled and inspiring Quinn. I, I've lost so much over these past few weeks. And I honestly don't know what the hell I'm gonna do to do with my life. But when I look back on my high school career the one thing, the one accomplishment that I'm gonna be so proud of is that I found a way to be your friend. So I'm apologizing to my friend. And I also want you to know that I voted for you for Prom Queen. And I really think you deserve it.
Santana Lopez: Stop making out with Berry and get to the Spanish room, Quinn. It's time to count the votes and declare me the winner.
Rachel Berry: Right. Bye. Good luck.



Sue Sylvester: Drop that ladle, Cohen-Chang! Ooh, I'm onto you, lady. You're trying to spike my punch!
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, I'm not. I'm just thirsty. I'm dehydrated from all the crying.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, right. That dress is hideous.
Becky Jackson: Becky Faye Jackson, you've done it! You're at senior prom with a crown on your head, and a hot piece of booty on your arm. And for once in my life, I don't mind everybody staring at me.
Noah Puckerman: Game on, beautiful.
Becky Jackson: Born for this, Puckerman.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, I don't care which dope we crown here tonight, you are truly the queen of this joint.
Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach! Oh, my God! Is that a sniper in the rafters?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I knew I should've done another security sweep. I don't see anything.
Becky Jackson: Use your infrared glasses, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Good idea, Becky. I don't see anything.
Becky Jackson: Dance with me, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: Thank you for making my dream come true, my queen.



Santana Lopez: My count for king is the same as yours. I don't get it. How could Brittany have only gotten four votes? This Dino Prom theme was a smash.
Quinn Fabray: Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's a girl.
Santana Lopez: Well, screw this. I don't want to be queen if Britt isn't king.
Quinn Fabray: Well, good, because my count for queen was the same as yours. I won by one vote. I won. It's everything I've ever wanted and I don't feel any different.
Santana Lopez: Cool. I mean, I guess you deserve to win, right? What with being a crip and all.
Quinn Fabray: You know, we really have had the dream high school careers. Mega-popular, doing whatever we wanted. Whoever we wanted. You know, I'm really not surprised that you and I were the top two candidates.
Santana Lopez: Yeah. Well, you know, it would be boring if we weren't so awesome.
Quinn Fabray: Don't you want to leave this place having made a difference?



Kurt Hummel: Oh, my dear God.
Brittany S. Pierce: Don't make fun of the new kid with the bad 'fro. It's hair-bullying.
Kurt Hummel: That's not a new kid. That's Blaine without hair gel.
Blaine Anderson: Is it really that bad?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, you're Mr. Broccoli Head.
Kurt Hummel: It's not that bad.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, it is. It's really bad. And you made your point. I abuse my power as president... but to help save the prom, and to keep people from turning to stone when they look at you, I'll give you special permission to wear hair gel, immediately.
Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children.
Blaine Anderson: I'll be right back.
Principal Figgins: Thank you, thank you.
Kurt Hummel: Don't you dare. I love finally getting to see the real you. The man without the product. And I want everyone here to know just how proud I am of my brave, handsome, bushy-haired boyfriend. Come on, Barrette.
Principal Figgins: First I have an announcement to make: There are reptiles living in McKinley toilets no more. The family of snakes has been safely removed to the zoo, and they can life out their lives in the toilets there. And now, this year's Prom Court: Nominees for the Prom King are: Finn Hudson... Rick "The Stick" Nelson...
Boy: I love you, man!
Principal Figgins: And President Brittany S. Pierce. The nominees for Prom Queen: Missy Gunderson... Santana Lopez... Miss Quinn Fabray. I would like to invite last year's queen, sassy male student Kurt Hummel, to crown this year's winners. And... this year's Prom King is... Hmm... Mr. Finn Hudson.
Blaine Anderson: Go, Finn!
Principal Figgins: And the winner for Prom Queen is... Students, for the second year in a row, we have prom anarchy. Receiving the majority of write-in votes, I would like to welcome on the stage... Miss Rachel Berry.
Kurt Hummel: Smile and breathe.
Principal Figgins: McKinley Titans, bow down to your new leaders! And now... first dance of this year's Senior King and Queen!
Quinn Fabray: # Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game... #
Rachel Berry: Is this some kind of joke or something? I mean, like Kurt last year, is someone going to throw pig's blood on me next, like in Carrie?
Finn Hudson: Look at me. You're sexy, you're beautiful, you're an inspiration to every single person in this room, just like you are to me. From where you began, to where you are now... you're amazing.
Santana Lopez: # Watching in slow-motion as you turn around and say #
Quinn & Santana: # You take my breath away #
# Take my breath away #
Mike Chang: Hey, are you really crying?
Tina Cohen-Chang: I just... don't want it to end.
Mike Chang: Prom night?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Everything. This whole year. I just wish it could go on forever.
Quinn & Santana: # You take my breath away #
Quinn Fabray: # Watching every motion in this foolish lover's game #
# Haunted by the notion #
# Somewhere there's a love in flames... #
Mercedes Jones: Praise!
Sam Evans: It's a prom miracle.
Santana Lopez: # Turning and returning to some secret place inside... #
# Watching in slow-motion as you turn my way #
# And say #
Quinn & Santana: # You take my breath away #
Santana Lopez: # My love #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away, oh... #
Santana Lopez: # Away #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away... #
Rachel Berry: Never in a million years would I have thought that someone like me would win Prom Queen. But if my friends believe in me enough to see me this way, then... I don't know, maybe anything's possible.
Santana Lopez: # Away #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away #
Santana Lopez: # My love #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away... #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Rachel choked at her NYADA audition, which meant she blew the biggest audition of her life.
Finn Hudson: Oh, God.
Ian Brennan: Which, as far as she's concerned, is now pretty much over.
Rachel Berry: I had my chance and I choked.
Ian Brennan: Quinn's in a wheelchair, but her rehab's going well, partly because Joe's been going with her. Brittany probably forgot she was elected senior class president. And Puck failed his big geography exam about Iberian precipitation, which means he's not gonna graduate. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Rachel Berry: Everything dies. Maybe the saddest death of all is the death of a dream. For 18 years, I've had one dream: Broadway, stardom. It was like wings that kept me hovering above the fray. But I flew too close to the sun and now they're gone and I'm just Rachel Barbra Berry of Lima, Ohio... a flightless bird. A penguin. Do I look different? I feel different. In some ways, it's a relief... to be part of the crowd. My dreams are smaller now, maybe even more real... the wedding, winning Nationals... but first, prom. I'll never walk the red carpet as a Tony or Golden Globe nominee. That's what you get for having no backup plan. Prom is my night to trip the light fantastic. Next to my wedding, my prom dress will be the most important gown I ever wear. I'm surprisingly okay with it all. That dream was just a favorite old sweater that I kept around even though it didn't fit anymore. I can grieve it and move on. I may have lost NYADA, but I still have Finn. So I'm not going to get everything I thought I ever wanted. Doesn't make me a loser.



Rachel Berry: What are you doing?
Becky Jackson: I am practicing my Prom Queen victory wave. I'm going to win.
Rachel Berry: You know, there's a lot of stiff competition this year, Becky. I wouldn't want you to be disappointed.
Becky Jackson: Would you mind taking your loser talk somewhere else? I don't want to catch your failure.



Principal Figgins: Sexy teen trollop. Many months ago, to much fanfare, you were elected senior class president.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, yeah.
Principal Figgins: Since that day, you have accomplished nothing except one memorandum written in crayon saying "Drill, baby, drill."
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I no longer believe we should be drilling for babies.
Principal Figgins: Your do-nothing presidency has me seriously considering abolishing the post altogether. And as you are flunking each of your classes, you need class president on your transcript if you hope to gain admittance into college.
Brittany S. Pierce: No, I don't. I've already been accepted at Perdue.
Principal Figgins: The university?
Brittany S. Pierce: No, the chicken factory.
Principal Figgins: Miss Pierce, you are making a mockery of this student government, and if you don't make an impact with the rest of your term, your presidency will be this school's last!
Brittany S. Pierce: I now realize I wasted an entire year belaboring the nuances of my fluid teen sexuality and getting caught up in Lord Tubbington's Ponzi schemes. Then for a while, I stopped talking. But I don't want my presidency to be the last one at McKinley. I don't want that to be my legacy.
Principal Figgins: Well, Madame President, prom is coming up. And if you want to rehabilitate your image, perhaps that's where you should start.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay.



Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know who any of you guys are.
Girl: Oh, we're the Prom Committee. We've been meeting since September.
Liz: We've sent you 14 memos.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you get my memo about drilling for babies?
Girl: No.
Brittany S. Pierce: Good. 'Cause that's not the solution to soaring gas prices.
Clark Hummings: We're a little behind schedule, but we think we have a great theme for this year's prom.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cool.
Girl: This year's prom theme is... "Castles in the Clouds."
Brittany S. Pierce: Nice. I like your unicorns; Those are great. But I'm gonna have to say never, 'cause there's no way I'm ever gonna let that happen. Castles are very heavy, so putting them on clouds would be extremely dangerous. I seriously think the three of you should be put in jail.
Clark Hummings: Okay. Um, what about... "Stairway to Heaven"?
Brittany S. Pierce: Not unless we also build escalators to heaven for the disabled students. Plus, I'm not really sure if they're even allowed into heaven. It's clear that the three of you are incompetent fools, possibly some sort of terrorist cell. So, as president, I'm gonna decide what the prom theme is going to be this year. And I think... that it should be... "Dinosaurs."
Clark Hummings: Dinosaurs?!
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. The Bible told me that dinosaurs and cavemen lived side by side for millions of years in peace, and I think that's something that we should totally celebrate.
Girl: No, you can't be serious.
Liz: That's the worst prom theme ever.
Brittany S. Pierce: When you insult my dinosaur prom theme, that's bullying, and I will not accept it. By the power vested in me as president, you are all fired. Sorry, Rachel, that includes you. But I guess I'll see you in Glee Club, so... Good meeting, guys.



Sue Sylvester: Good morning, McKinley High! First of all, to those of you thoughtful enough to leave maternity gifts outside my office, both I and my unborn child thank you for your lackluster Cracker Barrel meat-and-cheese medleys, and I'm sure that my trash can will find them delicious. Now it's time to announce this year's Senior Prom Court nominees. Your choices for Prom King are... Rick "The Stick" Nelson.
Rick Nelson: Yeah! You know this!
Sue Sylvester: President Brittany S. Pierce. That's weird. And also, Finn Hudson. And now on to the category we all really care about: Prom Queen.
Becky Jackson: Becky for Prom Queen 2012!
Sue Sylvester: Missy Gunderson. Santana Lopez. And Quinn Fabray. Congratulations to all our nominees... Becky, Becky, Becky! That's an antique!
Becky Jackson: I was robbed, Coach!



Finn Hudson: So are you bummed you didn't get nominated for Prom Queen?
Rachel Berry: In what world would I ever be nominated for Prom Queen?
Finn Hudson: Well, I voted for you. And I got that crossed-eyed dude in my study hall to vote for you, too.
Rachel Berry: That's very sweet of you, but I'm not upset at all actually, because I am gonna be spending my entire prom night dancing with my devastatingly handsome future husband to be. We'll make your posters later, okay?
Will Schuester: Okay! A big congrats to all our prom nominees! But, hey, listen up. We are all winners, because Principal Figgins asked New Directions to sing again this year! Come on!
Noah Puckerman: Fantastic.
Will Schuester: All right. Brittany has an announcement.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hello, my fellow Americans. The theme for this year's prom will be... "Dinosaurs."
Santana Lopez: Sheer genius.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thanks. I was inspired by the new girl Joe, who reminds me of a cavewoman. The refreshments will be berries, meat and rainwater. As you are no doubt aware, the U.S. elections are riddled with corruption. Therefore, to keep the prom elections completely aboveboard, I have appointed Santana and Quinn to count the ballots.
Kurt Hummel: What? That makes no sense!
Santana Lopez: Shut it, Richard Simmons. Yes, Quinn's my homegirl, but I don't trust her, and you know she doesn't trust me.
Quinn Fabray: We'll keep each other honest.
Mercedes Jones: You know, It's actually not a bad idea.
Brittany S. Pierce: And last but not least, all hair gel has been banned from the prom.
Blaine Anderson: Right.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm actually not joking. Hair gel was not invented until almost 30 million years after the Upper Paleolithic Stone Age. And frankly, I don't like the way you look. Therefore, anyone who shows up to prom wearing hair gel will be turned away at the door. I hereby decree this to be the best prom : Ever.
Will Schuester: Okay. Let's start thinking of... dinosaur songs.



Rachel Berry: Hey, did you know about this? I know you knew about this 'cause it was hung at eye level and I know Quinn couldn't reach up that high to put it there.
Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa. Remember when I told you that if you come at me with the crazy right off the bat that my head goes all empty and I can't really have a productive conversation?
Rachel Berry: This isn't crazy, this is mad, this is hurt.
Finn Hudson: This isn't a big deal.
Rachel Berry: Not a big deal? I'm gonna have to watch my fiancé dance in front of the entire school with his ex-girlfriend at my senior prom.
Finn Hudson: If you haven't noticed, Quinn can't dance. She just about died coming to our wedding. She asked me if I would campaign with her, and I figured it was the least I could do for our friend. I can't believe how selfish you're being.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of having a bad week myself. I can't believe that my entire high school career is gonna end the exact same way it started... just some sad little Jewish girl watching you get all the attention with the pretty blonde cheerleader.



Quinn Fabray: Oh...
Joseph Hart: Come on. Good, good, good. Come on. All right, now let go of your hands. You got this. Just-just let go. I promise you'll be okay. You got it. Good. Come on. This is all you. Look at you. You have it. Just-just... No-no-no-no-no! Are you okay?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, I'm okay.
Joseph Hart: I knew you could do it. That was fantastic. You're amazing.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you for always coming with me.
Joseph Hart: Totally selfish. I get to hang with you. Take a break, then let's show everyone. Glee and...
Quinn Fabray: No, no.
Joseph Hart: Why? This is huge.
Quinn Fabray: Because it has to be real. I mean... you know, maybe if I practiced a lot, I could walk into the choir room. Or even prom. So until then, just promise me you won't tell anybody.
Joseph Hart: You're gonna be dancing at prom. I know it.



Becky Jackson: I, Becky Faye Jackson, was born to be Queen, but my crown has been stolen. Queens don't always have to look the same, you know. Sometimes they look different. Sometimes they're shorter. Or wear glasses. What are you smiling about, poster-people? And stop staring at me! It's not fun to be stared at.



Sue Sylvester: Becky, I understand you're upset, but this scorched earth reign of terror must come to an end. First, you declared war on xylophones. Then, you ransacked the cafeteria line.
Becky Jackson: But, Coach, I want to be Prom Queen, just like I just saw in that commercial.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, Becky, commercials aren't real life. Advertisers are manipulative alcoholics who use images to play on our emotions. Haven't you seen Mad Men?
Becky Jackson: No.
Sue Sylvester: Neither have I. Becky, let's be realistic: You just didn't have the votes. For starters, your posters sent a bit of a mixed message.
Becky Jackson: But my paintbrush doesn't have spell check, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: And second... and I mean this as a compliment... you're a bitch, Becky. With a bad attitude. And honestly, with Quinn Fabray in a wheelchair, the sympathy vote was split. But here's the goods. You're coming to prom with me, Becky Jackson, where I'm making you deputy in charge of guarding the punch bowl. Chin up, Jackson. And please be careful walking past my brand-new xylophone. That's the attitude right there, Becky.
Rachel Berry: # The smell of your skin #
# Lingers on me now #
# You're probably on your flight #
# Back to your hometown #
# I need some shelter #
# Of my own protection, baby #
# Be with myself and center #
# Clarity, peace, serenity #
Kurt Hummel: # I hope you know #
# I hope you know #
# That this has nothing to do with you #
# It's personal, myself and I #
# We've got some straightening out to do #
Rachel & Blaine: # And I'm gonna miss you #
# Like a child misses their blanket #
# But I've got to get a move on with my life #
# It's time to be a big girl now #
Rachel, Blaine & Kurt: # And big girls don't cry #
Rachel Berry: # But it's time for me to go home #
# It's getting late and dark outside #
# I need to be with myself and center #
# Clarity, peace, serenity, yeah #
Kurt Hummel: # I hope you know #
# I hope you know #
# That this has nothing to do with you #
# It's personal, myself and I #
# We've got some straightening out to do #
Rachel & Blaine: # And I'm gonna miss you #
# Like a child misses their blanket #
# But I've got to get a move on with my life #
# It's time to be a big girl now #
Rachel, Blaine & Kurt: # And big girls don't cry #
Blaine Anderson: Rehearsing for prom? 'Cause I love that song, but it's sort of a downer, don't you think?
Rachel Berry: It's just how I'm feeling right now, okay? I don't want to watch Finn and Quinn get crowned the king and queen at my prom. I don't want to watch him dance with her. I-I know that she can't really dance anymore, but... I'm sorry. You know...you know what I mean.
Kurt Hummel: She's right. Prom sucks. I don't want to go, either.
Blaine Anderson: Well, you have to go. You're the reigning prom queen. You have to crown the next one.
Kurt Hummel: As much as I love a good coronation, I can't risk it. With this school's strong and insane tradition of write-in ballots, I could get elected prom queen again, all right? And I know I put on a brave face last year, but it was humiliating. And, had I known, I would have worn a full kilt, so...
Blaine Anderson: How do you think I feel with Brittany's insane ban on hair gel? It's prom. There's going to be balloons all over the place, not to mention the taffeta and the silk blends. The sheer amount of static electricity in that room is going to be terrifying.
Kurt Hummel: It's crazy.
Blaine Anderson: You've never seen my hair without gel... it's-it's baby-hair fine. No, it... I'm going to look like Medusa. It's not funny. I don't want to go.
Kurt Hummel: Well, if we're all going to be so miserable about it, who says we have to go?
Rachel Berry: You're right, Kurt. But I have a better idea.



Rachel Berry: So Kurt and Blaine and I are throwing an anti-prom party.
Mercedes Jones: What's an anti-prom party?
Rachel Berry: It's a party for those of us who maybe feel a little, you know, disenfranchised by the actual prom. And I got us a hotel room at Lima's best hotel, Red Rooster Express Suite, and everyone's invited.
Quinn Fabray: You're supporting this?
Finn Hudson: I'm supporting her, and I'll be there as soon as I'm done fulfilling my... obligations.
Kurt Hummel: The mood will be celebratory, the food will be catered, the libations will be plentiful, and the dress code will be creative black tie.
Rachel Berry: Optional, optional, optional. And keeping up with the anti-prom theme, everyone is welcome, and unlike the actual prom, which ends at 11:00 p.m., ours goes until the wee hours of the night. It's where the fun's at, you guys.
Santana Lopez: Okay, how is everyone welcome when this is clearly just a party for you and the two gay Winklevii twins?
Rachel Berry: Actually, Santana, we've invited most of McKinley's underclassmen.



Rachel Berry: I wanted to invite you to our anti-prom party.
Becky Jackson: Who's going?
Rachel Berry: Me, Kurt...
Becky Jackson: Boring. Who else?
Rachel Berry: Well, we just came up with the idea.
Becky Jackson: I'll think about it.



Noah Puckerman: I'm in.
Artie Abrams: But what about your tradition of trying to spike Coach Sylvester's punch bowl? I almost lost my teeth for it last time.
Noah Puckerman: It's impossible. Plus it's a bummer, always failing... at everything.
Santana Lopez: Can we just talk about what this really is? Rachel Berry isn't getting her way, so she's punishing the rest of us.
Rachel Berry: Santana, that's not the case at all.
Santana Lopez: Stop acting like you're fine and start dealing with your crap. Look, you choked at your big audition. I get it. I'm sorry, but it happens. And I understand that you're pissed off at the universe, but imploding on one of the last nights that we have to spend together because, basically, you're just not in the mood to dance is maybe the pettiest thing you have ever done. So have fun at your "I'm a victim" party, acting like you're not some selfish, self-centered, lame-ass wannabe diva from hell, because me, I'm going to go to my senior prom with my girlfriend and my friends.



Quinn Fabray: You can't be too pleased by that stunt Rachel's pulling.
Finn Hudson: I'm not, but I kind of feel bad for her. She's going through a lot of rough stuff.
Quinn Fabray: Rough stuff? Did you forget that you're talking to a girl in a wheelchair?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, looks good.
Quinn Fabray: We've come full circle.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, just like old times.
Quinn Fabray: Though, to be clear, there will be no extracurricular activity this time. I'm going to Yale, and there are no tire store majors there.
Finn Hudson: Well, neither are there at the Actors Studio, where I'm applying.
Girl: Oh, my God. Quinn Fabray... you're so brave to be doing this.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you. The atrophy in my leg is a constant reminder of the slow, withering remnants of my past life. The toll can, at times, be physically and emotionally hard, knowing that I may never walk again. People like you inspire me. Your healthy, normal legs are beautiful.
Girl: You deserve this. You've got my vote.
Finn Hudson: Wow, that was super creepy.
Quinn Fabray: It won't be when we're standing up on that stage soaking up the applause.
Finn Hudson: Don't you feel kind of weird using your injury to get the sympathy vote like that?
Quinn Fabray: Votes are votes, Finn. Do you want to win or not?



Mike Chang: This is awesome. I actually really love dinosaurs. Whoa. Triceratops.
Brittany S. Pierce: # D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# An O-L-D M-A-N #
# You're just an old man #
# Hitting on me, what? #
# You need a CAT scan #
# Yeah, you're pretty old #
# Not long till you're a senior citizen #
# And you can strut around with that sexy tank of oxygen #
# Honey, your toupee is falling to your left side #
# Get up and go, bro #
# Oh, wait, you're fossilized, ha #
# You sit down, buy me a martini #
# Won't go away, my hips aren't sinking #
# You say #
# "Hey, wanna come with me?" #
# I'm about to barf, seriously #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# An O-L-D M-A-N #
# You're just an old man #
# Hitting on me, what? #
# You need a CAT scan #
# Hey, dinosaur #
# Baby, you're prehistoric #
# Hey, dinosaur #
# That's what you are, ha #
# Hey, carnivore #
# You want my meat, I know it #
# Hey, dinosaur #
# That's what you are, ha... #
Sue Sylvester: Hudson Hog, take a deep, meaningful drink of Sue Sylvester's Special Prombrosia. I don't know if it's the sentimental fetus in me talking, but I think it's my best batch ever. Nothing but Fruit Juicy Red, Manhattan Seltzer and seven tablespoons of Visine, just so we get out of here on time.
Finn Hudson: Uh, have you seen Quinn? I-I want to make sure that I can, uh, get her and her wheelchair up on stage when she wins.
Sue Sylvester: Well, she had a couple of cups of punch earlier, so I'd probably start with the little girls' room.
Brittany S. Pierce: # D-I-N-O-S-A #
# U-R a dinosaur #
# D-I-N-O-S-A #
# That's what you are, ha. #



Finn Hudson: Hello. Hey, Quinn, Quinn, you in here? You... you can walk?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Isn't it amazing? You're seeing me take my first steps.
Finn Hudson: So you-you... you lied to us. To everybody.
Quinn Fabray: No, I mean, my legs are getting better, but I wanted it to be a surprise. You know, for when I walk up there and... and get my crown. The crowd will go wild. I really want this.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. You may want this, but Rachel needs me, and... and I picked you over her. Do you know how stupid that makes me feel? You have everything. You're going to have your crown. You're going to go to Yale. Rachel has none of that. And tonight, thanks to you, she doesn't even have me.
Quinn Fabray: We're a shoo-in. I need you.
Finn Hudson: No, you don't need me, okay? I-I-I thought going through all that terrible stuff this year made you cooler, but no, you're still the same old Quinn. All that matters is you.
Quinn Fabray: Come on, stop! Please. Look, it's mandatory for the nominees to have at least one dance together. I know you don't understand how much this means to me, but... will you please just stay here for me? Please.



Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God.
Rachel Berry: All right. Let the very first annual McKinley High Anti-Prom begin.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, look, there's chocolates on the pillows.
Blaine Anderson: We got room service.
Becky Jackson: Minibar! Whoo! Nice!
Noah Puckerman: So, uh, what should we do now?
Becky Jackson: Duh... play strip poker. I brought condoms.
Kurt Hummel: Becky, Blaine and I are gay, remember?
Becky Jackson: Never stopped me before.
Rachel Berry: Well, I mean, no matter what, it'll be better than prom.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah! Who wants to be in that smelly old gym, anyway?
Noah Puckerman: Prom's a sucker's paradise.
Becky Jackson: Prom sucks! Let's get wasted! Whoo!
Rachel Berry: Becky, Becky, we appreciate your enthusiasm, but will you just keep it down with the shouting?
Becky Jackson: Keep your big honking nose out of it, Berry! Oh, snap! Oh snap!
Blaine Anderson: So, I wouldn't mind watching a little TV. Um, maybe some Bravo?
Noah Puckerman: Dude, it's a hotel. It's gotta be Skinemax.
Rachel Berry: We could put on a fashion show!
Kurt Hummel: Yeah! Let's go all Sound of Music and make some old-timey couture out of the drapes and bedsheets, huh?
Becky Jackson: Too gay!
Noah Puckerman: I second that.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'd love to show you guys my prom dress. I wouldn't want it to go completely to waste. It's in my car. I can go get it.
Becky Jackson: Worst anti-prom ever!



Santana Lopez: # It's been said and done #
# Every beautiful thought's been already sung #
# And I guess right now here's another one #
# So your melody will play on and on #
# With the best of 'em #
Sam Evans: First time we danced together like this was at last year's prom.
Mercedes Jones: I remember.
Sam Evans: And remember when I told you we were gonna get back together and you told me I was crazy? Crazy.
Mercedes Jones: That's 'cause you are.
Sam Evans: Yeah, but you kind of love it.
Santana Lopez: # And I want you to know, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby # Looks like everyone's happy tonight.
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# And I keep hitting repeat- peat, peat, peat, peat, peat #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
# I, I love you like a long song, baby #
# And I keep hitting repeat- peat, peat, peat, peat, peat #
# Constantly, girl, you play #
# Through my mind like a symphony #
# There's no way to describe what you do to me #
# You just do me #
# What you do #
# And it feels like I've been rescued #
Tina & Brittany: # Rescued #
Santana Lopez: # I've been set free #
Tina & Brittany: # Set free #
Santana Lopez: # I am hypnotized by destiny #
Tina & Brittany: # Destiny #
Santana Lopez: # You are magical, lyrical, beautiful #
# You are, and I want you to know, baby #
# I, I love you like a love song, baby #
Quinn Fabray: It's just one dance. Can you finish it with me?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I will... as soon as you stand up and show everybody how much you deserve this, how much you deserve to be Prom Queen.
Quinn Fabray: Are you really doing this right now?
Finn Hudson: What, making you walk? Make you stand up and show everybody how much of a crazy liar you are? Yeah. Come on. Stand up!
Joseph Hart: What's going on, dude?
Finn Hudson: Did you know that she could walk, too? You must have with all that physical therapy you've been giving.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, just finish the dance with me!
Finn Hudson: Stand the hell up! Come on!
Joseph Hart: What is wrong with you?!
Sue Sylvester: Hey, hey, hey! You forcing me to eject you from yet another prom, Hudson?
Finn Hudson: Not this time, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Good idea, Frumps. What are you looking at, Jar-Jar Binks?



Becky Jackson: Touch those peanut M&M's, and I will end you.
Blaine Anderson: This is a repeat. It's the one with the passive-aggressive lesbian and the doggy care.
Kurt Hummel: I wish Tabatha would take over this anti-prom. Gosh, this sucks.
Blaine Anderson: Yeah, well...
Kurt Hummel: If you wanted to go to the prom, I would have gone with you.
Blaine Anderson: I am not going to give into Brittany's insane ban on hair gel. Freedom to use hair care products? It's in the Bill of Rights.
Kurt Hummel: Didn't the founding fathers all wear wigs?
Blaine Anderson: You haven't seen me without an enormous amount of gel in my hair. It's, it's really bad.
Becky Jackson: Finally, the room service is here. I want my shrimp cocktail!
Finn Hudson: Hey, Becky. Where's Rachel?
Becky Jackson: She's been in the bathroom for 45 minutes. I'm guessing the runs.
Rachel Berry: All right, let's let the anti-prom fashion extravaganza begin.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: What are you doing here?
Finn Hudson: Well, I'll keep it simple. I love you. You're beautiful. Prom sucks without you. Prom sucks without all of you, guys. This is the last t time we're gonna get to be together like this. I want to dance with my fiancé, dance with my friends.
Blaine Anderson: Well, I'll just pretend to be an iceculpture if Brittany sees me, and then she'll just pass me by.
Rachel Berry: So, you guys gonna come?
Becky Jackson: Not until I get my shrimp cocktail.
Noah Puckerman: I'm good. And you guys go ahead.
Finn Hudson: Come on, dude. You're my wingman.
Noah Puckerman: I'll go next year.
Rachel Berry: Come.
Becky Jackson: Are you ready for strip poker, Puckerman? Socks count as one item.



Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so glad you guys came.
Finn Hudson: Better late than never, right?
Rachel Berry: Come on. Let's dance.
Joseph Hart: # You're insecure, don't know what for #
Brittany S. Pierce: No, sorry, Blaine. I said no hair gel, remember? I can totally smell it.
Santana Lopez: Let's go!
Kurt Hummel: You can do this.
Joseph Hart: # The way that you are is enough #
Rory Flanagan: # Everyone else in the room can see it #
# Everyone else but you #
Artie & Joseph: # Baby, you light up my world like nobody else #
# The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed #
# But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell #
# You don't know, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful #
# If only you saw what I can see #
# You'll understand why I want you so desperately #
# Right now I'm looking at you #
# And I can't believe you don't know, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh #
# That's what makes you beautiful #
Sam Evans: # Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na-na, na-na #
# Baby, you light up my world like nobody else #
# The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed #
# But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell #
Rory Flanagan: # You don't know, oh-oh #
Joseph Hart: # You don't know you're beautiful #
Artie & Joseph: # Baby, you light up my world like nobody else #
# The way you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed #
# But when you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell #
# You don't know, oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful #
Joseph Hart: # If only you saw what I can see #
# You'll understand why I want you so desperately #
# Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe #
# You don't know, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh #
# You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh #
# That's what makes you beautiful #



Becky Jackson: Suck on these, Puckerman. Trip aces.
Noah Puckerman: Crap. I'm getting sharked. Where'd you learn to play?
Becky Jackson: In the joint.
Noah Puckerman: Well, I'm one losing hand away from an extremely awkward situation, so would you mind laying off a little bit?
Becky Jackson: I can't. I'm too pissed off.
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Becky Jackson: 'Cause I didn't get nominated for prom queen like that girl in the commercial. Coach Sue said I couldn't get the votes.
Noah Puckerman: You really wanted that crown, huh?
Becky Jackson: More than anything. It hurts, Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Becky Jackson... I'm putting some clothes on 'cause I have an idea.
Becky Jackson: Really?
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, check it out. We still haven't crowned a king and queen for the anti-prom, have we?
Becky Jackson: No, we haven't.
Noah Puckerman: I'm gonna bust out my knife. If you ask me, I think the anti-prom's the most important prom of all. First, we need a king.
Becky Jackson: Nice.
Noah Puckerman: And then now, we need a queen. Hmm...
Becky Jackson: I hope I get it.
Noah Puckerman: Becky Jackson... I crown you the Queen of the anti-prom. Take a look.
Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh! I did it. I'm so happy.
Noah Puckerman: Your Highness, what do you say we get out of here?
Becky Jackson: Sure. My prince.



Quinn Fabray: Hey, I got your text. You have three minutes. The voting has started, and I need to get out there and press the flesh.
Rachel Berry: Look, I owe you an apology. I-I found out that you and Finn were campaigning together, and I kind of freaked out. I got really jealous and irrational, I just, I should have been supportive.
Quinn Fabray: Well, since I had no idea that was going on, it's pretty easy to forgive you. So I'm glad we cleared this up.
Rachel Berry: Wait. Do you not understand what you mean to me? When we first met, you were everything I wanted to be: You were beautiful and popular, and you had Finn.
Quinn Fabray: How the mighty have fallen.
Rachel Berry: No, you don't understand. I still see you the same way, okay? That's why I got so crazy. Because I wasn't seeing the new Quinn. The still-beautiful, but humbled and inspiring Quinn. I, I've lost so much over these past few weeks. And I honestly don't know what the hell I'm gonna do to do with my life. But when I look back on my high school career the one thing, the one accomplishment that I'm gonna be so proud of is that I found a way to be your friend. So I'm apologizing to my friend. And I also want you to know that I voted for you for Prom Queen. And I really think you deserve it.
Santana Lopez: Stop making out with Berry and get to the Spanish room, Quinn. It's time to count the votes and declare me the winner.
Rachel Berry: Right. Bye. Good luck.



Sue Sylvester: Drop that ladle, Cohen-Chang! Ooh, I'm onto you, lady. You're trying to spike my punch!
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, I'm not. I'm just thirsty. I'm dehydrated from all the crying.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, right. That dress is hideous.
Becky Jackson: Becky Faye Jackson, you've done it! You're at senior prom with a crown on your head, and a hot piece of booty on your arm. And for once in my life, I don't mind everybody staring at me.
Noah Puckerman: Game on, beautiful.
Becky Jackson: Born for this, Puckerman.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, I don't care which dope we crown here tonight, you are truly the queen of this joint.
Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach! Oh, my God! Is that a sniper in the rafters?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I knew I should've done another security sweep. I don't see anything.
Becky Jackson: Use your infrared glasses, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Good idea, Becky. I don't see anything.
Becky Jackson: Dance with me, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: Thank you for making my dream come true, my queen.



Santana Lopez: My count for king is the same as yours. I don't get it. How could Brittany have only gotten four votes? This Dino Prom theme was a smash.
Quinn Fabray: Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's a girl.
Santana Lopez: Well, screw this. I don't want to be queen if Britt isn't king.
Quinn Fabray: Well, good, because my count for queen was the same as yours. I won by one vote. I won. It's everything I've ever wanted and I don't feel any different.
Santana Lopez: Cool. I mean, I guess you deserve to win, right? What with being a crip and all.
Quinn Fabray: You know, we really have had the dream high school careers. Mega-popular, doing whatever we wanted. Whoever we wanted. You know, I'm really not surprised that you and I were the top two candidates.
Santana Lopez: Yeah. Well, you know, it would be boring if we weren't so awesome.
Quinn Fabray: Don't you want to leave this place having made a difference?



Kurt Hummel: Oh, my dear God.
Brittany S. Pierce: Don't make fun of the new kid with the bad 'fro. It's hair-bullying.
Kurt Hummel: That's not a new kid. That's Blaine without hair gel.
Blaine Anderson: Is it really that bad?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, you're Mr. Broccoli Head.
Kurt Hummel: It's not that bad.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, it is. It's really bad. And you made your point. I abuse my power as president... but to help save the prom, and to keep people from turning to stone when they look at you, I'll give you special permission to wear hair gel, immediately.
Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children.
Blaine Anderson: I'll be right back.
Principal Figgins: Thank you, thank you.
Kurt Hummel: Don't you dare. I love finally getting to see the real you. The man without the product. And I want everyone here to know just how proud I am of my brave, handsome, bushy-haired boyfriend. Come on, Barrette.
Principal Figgins: First I have an announcement to make: There are reptiles living in McKinley toilets no more. The family of snakes has been safely removed to the zoo, and they can life out their lives in the toilets there. And now, this year's Prom Court: Nominees for the Prom King are: Finn Hudson... Rick "The Stick" Nelson...
Boy: I love you, man!
Principal Figgins: And President Brittany S. Pierce. The nominees for Prom Queen: Missy Gunderson... Santana Lopez... Miss Quinn Fabray. I would like to invite last year's queen, sassy male student Kurt Hummel, to crown this year's winners. And... this year's Prom King is... Hmm... Mr. Finn Hudson.
Blaine Anderson: Go, Finn!
Principal Figgins: And the winner for Prom Queen is... Students, for the second year in a row, we have prom anarchy. Receiving the majority of write-in votes, I would like to welcome on the stage... Miss Rachel Berry.
Kurt Hummel: Smile and breathe.
Principal Figgins: McKinley Titans, bow down to your new leaders! And now... first dance of this year's Senior King and Queen!
Quinn Fabray: # Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game... #
Rachel Berry: Is this some kind of joke or something? I mean, like Kurt last year, is someone going to throw pig's blood on me next, like in Carrie?
Finn Hudson: Look at me. You're sexy, you're beautiful, you're an inspiration to every single person in this room, just like you are to me. From where you began, to where you are now... you're amazing.
Santana Lopez: # Watching in slow-motion as you turn around and say #
Quinn & Santana: # You take my breath away #
# Take my breath away #
Mike Chang: Hey, are you really crying?
Tina Cohen-Chang: I just... don't want it to end.
Mike Chang: Prom night?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Everything. This whole year. I just wish it could go on forever.
Quinn & Santana: # You take my breath away #
Quinn Fabray: # Watching every motion in this foolish lover's game #
# Haunted by the notion #
# Somewhere there's a love in flames... #
Mercedes Jones: Praise!
Sam Evans: It's a prom miracle.
Santana Lopez: # Turning and returning to some secret place inside... #
# Watching in slow-motion as you turn my way #
# And say #
Quinn & Santana: # You take my breath away #
Santana Lopez: # My love #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away, oh... #
Santana Lopez: # Away #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away... #
Rachel Berry: Never in a million years would I have thought that someone like me would win Prom Queen. But if my friends believe in me enough to see me this way, then... I don't know, maybe anything's possible.
Santana Lopez: # Away #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away #
Santana Lopez: # My love #
Quinn & Santana: # Take my breath away... #
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320. Props

Ian Brennan: 
So here's what's you missed Kurt pulled a last-minute switcheroo for Carmen Tibideaux and nailed his NYADA audition, while Rachel tried her old "Don't Rain on My Parade" standby which we've all heard now, like, a bajillion times, and she totally choked. Bieste admitted that her husband Cooter hit her, but she lied and said she left him, when actually, she stayed. Puck isn't graduating, which he pretends not to care about...
Noah Puckerman: I'm too stupid.
Ian Brennan: 
...but a while back, he told everybody that graduating high school was something he was really looking forward to. The Glee Club's been ignoring Tina all year long.
Kurt Hummel: Tina won't mind being recast.
Rachel Berry: No, she won't.
Ian Brennan: 
Actually, she kind of got ignored last year, too. Actually, Tina's sort of been ignored the whole time and she's been in the New Directions! since, like forever. The first time she got a solo, she insisted she was bad and forced Mr. Shue to give the song to Rachel, and ever solo since, she's either gotten booed or started crying uncontrollably. No one noticed that she went from dressing punk to dressing Goth to dressing like a go-go dancer in '60s Swinging London. She even got Mike Chang into college, and she hardly got a thank you. Sometimes people don't even seem to know her name.
Santana Lopez: Girl Chang...
Sebastian Smythe: Tina Blowin' Wang...
Roz Washington: Asian Horror Movie!
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Sue Sylvester: 
Porcelain, Weezy, you created a monster. They're calling Jessie St. James a visionary, and lauding Vocal Adrenaline for their ongoing commitment to diversity.
Mercedes Jones: 
But Jessie St. James was against Unique performing as his true magical self.
Kurt Hummel: No, we were the ones who convinced him to do that.
Sue Sylvester: Well, then, you only have yourselves to blame. And the liberal media.
Mercedes Jones: Not really. It was your idea.
Sue Sylvester: 
I have no memory of that. In any case, Unique is now a show choir celebrity. He/She will trounce us at Nationals, and I will lose my Cheerios! to Coach Roz Washington. I will not let that happen. We have but one choice left to us: It's time to fight fire with the flaming flames of additional flamey gay fire. Porcelain, you will wear this flapper dress and perform at Nationals as Porcelina. You already have the lady gait and the lady voice, and you'll have to start smoking, though, because this dress is a size two.
Kurt Hummel: 
Okay, just because I'm gay does not mean I like to dress up like a woman.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, come on.
Mercedes Jones: What about Halloween, Kurt?



Kurt Hummel: Trick or treat! Ba-da bing!
Blaine Anderson: Ay, what's a guy gotta do to get a candy situation up in here, huh?



Kurt Hummel: 
Okay, that was a Halloween costume, and it is a far cry from starting out on the stage at Nationals in a dress. Which is absolutely out of the question.
Sue Sylvester: 
Well, then, the New Directions! will lose. Hate to say it, kiddo, but if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline at Nationals, it's tuckin' time.



Rachel Berry: 
# When I look into your eyes #
# It's like watching the night sky #
# Or a beautiful sunrise #
# There's so much they hold #
# And just like them old stars #
# I see that you've come so far #
# To be right where you are #
# How old is your soul? #
# 'Cause even the stars, they burn #
# Some even fall to the earth #
# We've got a lot to learn #
# God knows we're worth it #
# No, I won't give up #
# I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily #
# I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make #
# And in the end, you're still my friend #
# At least we did intend for us to work #
# We didn't break, we didn't burn #
# We had to learn how to bend #
# Without the world caving in #
# I had to learn what I got and what I'm not #
# And who I am #
# I won't give up #
Girls of ND: # No, I won't #
Rachel Berry: # On us #
Girls of ND: # Give it up #
Rachel Berry: # God knows I'm tough #
Girls of ND: # I am tough #
Rachel Berry: # Enough #
Girls of ND: # I am tough #
Rachel Berry: # We got a lot #
Girls of ND: # We got a lot #
Rachel Berry: # To learn #
Girls of ND: # We got a lot #
Rachel Berry: # God knows we're worth it #
Girls of ND: # And we're worth it #
Rachel Berry: 
# I won't give up on us #
# Even if the skies get rough #
# I've given you all my love #
# I'm still looking up #
Man: 
You've reaed the office of Carmen Tibideaux, Dean of Vocal Performance, at the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts. Please leave a message after the tone.
Rachel Berry: 
Hi, Madame Tibideaux, this is Rachel Berry calling. I understand that 14 messages is a lot, but I just wanted to make sure that you got the muffin basket that I sent as well as the invitation to come and see my show choir perform at our Nationals in Chicago. Every year, the judges give out an award for an MVP, and I would really love it if you could be there to watch me win. If anything, just to show you that what happened at my audition was a fluke and that I do have the talent and the ability to study with you next year at NYADA. I... I understand that asking you to make the trip is a lot, but I'm just... I'm really not ready to give up on my dream, so... Thank you very much.



Will Schuester: 
Nationals. Okay, song selection: We'll be kicking off our "Vintage" theme with the legendary Jim Steinman's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." Rachel will do the solo, "It's All Com..."
Rachel Berry: 
"...Coming Back to Me Now." One of Celine Dion's most powerful ballads, inspired by Wuthering Heights.
Sue Sylvester: 
And we'll be working in a new Treble Tones number, utilizing the talents of our featured performer, Porcelina Hummel.
Kurt Hummel: Not gonna happen, Dragon Lady.
Sue Sylvester: 
Oh, you'll do as you're told, he/she. We will be performing "What A Feeling," from Flashdance, and I'm familiar with the choreography, of course, because I was Jennifer Beals' dance double. And on that note, please look under your seats.
Brittany S. Pierce: Space helmets.
Finn Hudson: Welding helmets and leg warmers?!
Sue Sylvester: Best way to get props is to use props.
Sam Evans: I am your father. Uh, Darth Vader.
Joseph Hart: Is that a movie?
Sue Sylvester: 
A healthy dose of props, and our plucky transsexual Porcelina, and you are over the top.
Blaine Anderson: Aren't props a little cheesy?
Will Schuester: 
Guys, I've asked for Sue's help because she's a winner, and I'm not ashamed to admit this... I want to win. But there's not one person in that audience who will think we're anything but underdogs who would be lucky to place in Nationals. We didn't even make the top ten last year. We've got one last week to come together and shake things up. If there's anyone here who is not up for trying and working their butts off, you should just get up right now and leave.
Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa, Tina, where you going?
Tina Cohen-Chang: You guys don't need me... carry on.
Rachel Berry: Tina, you don't understand. I need this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Because you blew an audition? That's not a reason for you to get a solo at Nationals. Maybe the rest of us would like one, too.
Rory Flanagan: I wouldn't mind another one before I get deported.
Sugar Motta: I want one. Even though I can't sing.
Mike Chang: Tina, Rachel is a senior.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
So are you, but you can bet the only thing you'll be doing is a dance break with Brittany. Other people matter.
Will Schuester: 
Tina, you may not always get all the solos, but you are a key player. I put you in charge of costumes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Wow! Like that's some prize. You want props to move around? Well, I'm a human prop, and I'm sick of it!
Sue Sylvester: Take a lap and cool down, Asian Number One.
Tina Cohen-Chang: My name is Tina. Tina Cohen Chang!
Sue Sylvester: Isn't she the one who used to stutter?



Mike Chang: You're being selfish.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
How come when Rachel complains about not getting enough solos, she's "claiming her stardom," but when I do it, it's selfish.
Mike Chang: 
You're a junior. You'll get your change next year. This is the seniors' moment to shine. I'm really disappointed in you.
Rachel Berry: 
Tina, look, I understand that you feel like your voice is being stifled right now, in the Glee Club. I mean, I have no idea why you would choose this moment specifically to make a stink about it but I want you to know that you are being heard. Which is why I'm willing to offer you $50 just to let this all go until after Nationals. Do you have any idea how important Nationals is to me? I mean, if I can convince Carmen Tibideaux to come and watch us perform, then it's basically like a do-over for my NYADA audition, which means that my entire future depends on us being amazing, which means that everyone needs to do their part.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Their part to make you look good. I have sat, for three years, in the back of that choir room, holding Mike's hand or crying or smiling and swaying, while everyone else was out there singing solos. Maybe I say something, most of the time I don't, team player all the way. I am tired of being silent. I am one of the original Glee Club members, and I was singing "Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat" when Finn and Puck were still throwing Slushees at us. So when is it my turn?
Rachel Berry: 
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be me? Do you have a Facebook account or Twitter account?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yes.
Rachel Berry: 
Do you have time to watch Bravo or read a book or buy laces for your incredibly high comical boots. I don't. It's exhausting being me. I get up at 5:00 in the morning just to get all of this prepared, in case a solo is thrown my way. I have the entire Sondheim, Hamlisch, Lloyd-Webber, Elton John songbooks memorized, including every single Katy Perry hit, as well. And I do all of this while keeping my boyfriend interested and physically satisfied and being the captain of 16 clubs and keeping a 3.86 GPA.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I could do all of that.
Rachel Berry: And you will. Next year. You'll have your chance next year.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
All I want is, for one moment, to feel like you... be up on that stage and get one of the standing ovations you're so used to getting.



Blaine Anderson: 
I mean, I'm behind you 100%. Being gay doesn't mean you're a cross-dresser. I mean, that's just silly.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, you did not just text me that, Michael Robert Chang.
Kurt Hummel: Is that Tina?
Blaine Anderson: Hey, Tina. What are you doing here?
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Fulfilling my duties as costume coordinator and text-fighting with Mike, who says my outburst in Glee Club was unreasonable.
Kurt Hummel: Well, we're getting a hot pretzel later, if you want to join us.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Can't. Have to go find gown fabric that doesn't clash with the high yellow undertones of Rachel Berry's complexion. Oh... I can do everything Rachel Berry can.
Kurt Hummel: Oh.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God! Tina! Tina! Tina! Oh, my God!
Kurt Hummel: Oh, oh, oh! Get her, get her, get her!
Blaine Anderson: Tina, are you okay?
Finn Hudson / Kurt Hummel: Can you hear me?
Noah Puckerman / Blaine Anderson: Look at me.
Finn Hudson / Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, this is like Days of our Lives.
Noah Puckerman / Blaine Anderson: Can you hear me? Lost...
Finn Hudson / Kurt Hummel: It's me... Kurt.
Noah Puckerman / Blaine Anderson: Rachel, it's me.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: Did you just call me Rachel?
Noah Puckerman / Blaine Anderson: 
Rachel, Kurt and I just saw you fall into the fountain. We think you may have hit your head.
Finn Hudson / Kurt Hummel: We need to get you back to the Glee Club, ASAP.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: Why?
Noah Puckerman / Blaine Anderson: 
And we need to get your solo ready, so you can win us a national championship.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: Oh, my God... I'm Rachel Berry.



Finn Hudson / Kurt Hummel: 
Rachel, I know you're under a lot of pressure, but I need you to come with me to Between the Sheets after school. I'm in desperate need of sheet music, and you're the only one who can help me.
Noah Puckerman / Blaine Anderson: 
If you want to run into your old pal Chandler, far be it from me to stand in your way.
Finn Hudson / Kurt Hummel: 
We've been through this a million times. It was just a few text messages...
Artie Abrams / Santana Lopez: 
Oh, hey there, Hobbit. Can't wait to hear your solo in Glee Club today. Hope you don't choke like you did in your NYADA audition.
Santana Lopez / Artie Abrams: 
Rachel, I don't want to put any more pressure on you, but winning at Nationals will be the most important thing that will ever happen to me in my entire life. I mean, you'll basically be performing for every handi-capable kid in the entire world. Mercedes?
Brittany S. Pierce / Mercedes Jones: Mmm, praise.
Mercedes Jones / Brittany S. Pierce: 
Rachel, after your solo, I have to bail Lord Tubbington out of jail. He tried to sell my iPhone for drugs.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: Brittany?
Rachel Berry / Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Rachel, can I talk to you for a second? I know that drama school auditions are a year away for me, and I know that I'm kind of a long shot, but I was wondering if maybe you could give me some pointers.
Will Schuester / Sue Sylvester: 
That's enough, Tina. You can hawk your chop suey recipes after Rachel shows us her solo for Nationals.
Sue Sylvester / Will Schuester: Sue, that's incredibly racist.
Will Schuester / Sue Sylvester: 
I can't be racist, William, as I am 1/16 Native American. My Comanche name is Cheerleads With Wolves.
Sue Sylvester / Will Schuester: 
Okay, guys, Nationals is coming up, and it's all riding on the shoulders of Rachel Berry. Rachel, why don't you come up and show us what you got.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: Mr. Shue, can I have a couple days to think about it?
Kurt Hummel / Finn Hudson: Could I get a second to talk to my fiancée?
Sue Sylvester / Will Schuester: Sure.
Kurt Hummel / Finn Hudson: 
Rachel, this isn't you. The Rachel that I fell in love with just nods to the band, then starts wailing. Look, I know you got a lot on your plate, with New York and planning our wedding and whatnot, but you're at your best when you're under pressure. Now, turn around and show us how you're going to win us Nationals. And afterwards, we're going to make out because your boobs look slightly bigger today for some reason. Okay?
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: 
# For all those times you stood by me #
# For all the truth that you made me see #
# For all the joy you brought to my life #
# For all the wrong that you made right #
# For every dream you made come true #
# For all the love I found in you #
# I'll be forever thankful, baby #
# You're the one who held me up #
# Never let me fall #
# You're the one who saw me through #
# Through it all #
# You were my strength when I was weak #
# You were my voice when I couldn't speak #
# You were my eyes when I couldn't see #
# You saw the best there was in me #
# Lifted me up when I couldn't reach #
# You gave me faith 'cause you believed #
# I'm everything I am #
# Because you loved me #
# Oh #
# You were always there for me #
# The tender wind that carried me #
# A light in the dark #
# Shining your love into my life #
# You've been my inspiration #
# Through the lies you were the truth #
# My world is a better place #
# Because of you #
Girls of ND: # You were my strength when I was weak #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: # You were my strength #
Girls of ND: # You were my voice when I couldn't speak #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: # Oh, when I couldn't speak #
Girls of ND: # You were my eyes when I couldn't see #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: # You saw the best there was in me #
Girls of ND: 
# Lifted me up when I couldn't reach #
# You gave me faith #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: 
# 'Cause you believed #
# I'm everything I am #
# Because you loved me #
# Hey... #
Girls of ND: 
# You were my strength when I was weak #
# You were my voice when I couldn't speak #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: # My eyes #
Girls of ND: # You were my eyes when I couldn't see #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: # You saw the best there was in me #
Girls of ND: # Lifted me up when I couldn't reach #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: # Oh... #
Girls of ND: # You gave me faith 'cause you #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: 
# Believed #
# I'm everything I am #
# Because you loved me #
# Oh #
# I'm everything I am #
# Because you loved me #
My first standing O.



Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: 
Hey, Tina, can I talk to you? I wanted to say you're always so good in my musical numbers. Your oohs and aahs are always on pitch, and your light sashaying makes my tour de force performances even more spine-tingling, if that's even possible. I appreciate it, and you.
Rachel Berry / Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Rachel, I can't tell you how long I've waited to hear you say that.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: 
Just because you're a little more in the background this year, don't doubt your talent, Tina. Next year is all you. It's finally your chance to shine.
Rachel Berry / Tina Cohen-Chang: 
I couldn't believe it when I heard that your NYADA audition didn't go well. You're... you're always so amazing.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: I wish Madame Tibideaux agreed with you.
Rachel Berry / Tina Cohen-Chang: So change her mind.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: I've tried. She won't even return my calls.
Rachel Berry / Tina Cohen-Chang: 
That's not the Rachel Berry I know. If I were you, I'd drive to wherever she is and I'd stay until I convinced Ms. Tibideaux to give me another shot.
Tina Cohen-Chang / Rachel Berry: 
I can't believe how supportive you are when half the time, I can't even be bothered to thank you for your tremendous supporting performances.
Rachel Berry / Tina Cohen-Chang: 
It's not completely selfless. You're our secret weapon, Rachel Berry, and by helping you, I help us all.



Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God, Tina! Are you okay?
Kurt Hummel: Get her! Get her! Get her!
Blaine Anderson: Tina. Oh, my God, are you okay?
Kurt Hummel: 
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ugh. Did she have to take in the bolt of fabric with her? That silk charmeuse is worth, like, 25 bucks a yard.



Sue Sylvester: 
A-five, six, seven, eight. Mask, mask, helmet down. Pivot, pivot. Jump, mask, boys. A-one, two, three, four, five, six. Burn! Burn! Burn! Come on! Let it burn! Set this joint on fire! Come on, burn the joint down! Okay, cut the music. Stop! Stop. This is an unmitigated disaster. Jennifer Beals is spinning in her grave. Gentlemen, I asked for a cascade of sparks timed to the rhythm.
Mike Chang: I can't see through this helmet.
Brittany S. Pierce: 
I took mine off. Metal sparks in your face is how you get freckles.
Blaine Anderson: Is this even legal?
Sam Evans: Yeah, shouldn't we be in some sort of grinding union?
Santana Lopez: Wanky.
Will Schuester: 
Sue, they're right. They can't pick up advanced choreography when they're weighed down by helmets and metal grinders.
Sue Sylvester: 
Grind, grind, pivot, kick, pivot, spin, flip, split. What's complicated about that?
Will Schuester: These props were supposed to add to the routine, not be the routine.
Sue Sylvester: 
Well, maybe you're right, William. Maybe basic sheet metal work is just too much for your 12th place choir. Porcelain, thoughts?
Kurt Hummel: I'm not doing a drag number. We need a new approach. I have an idea.



Crusty Teacher: This is the teachers' lounge. It is our sacred space.
Santana Lopez: 
Britt and I are gay and Mercedes is black, so kicking us out would be a hate crime.
Brittany S. Pierce: 
Well, I'm not totally gay, but I think that trees are born the same way as babies, so kicking me out would be kind of mean.
Santana Lopez: Yeah. Thanks.
Shannon Beiste: I'm eating my chicken, ladies.
Santana Lopez: You're still wearing your wedding ring.
Mercedes Jones: 
And I saw you last night at the 7:00 p.m. showing of 21 Jump Street... with Cooter.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cooter was in 21 Jump Street? I didn't know he was an actor.
Santana Lopez: You told us you were leaving him. You lied to us.
Shannon Beiste: 
I know how this looks, but you just don't understand how complicated adult relationships can be.
Mercedes Jones: I mean, he hit you and you stayed. What's complicated about that?
Shannon Beiste: 
I'm very sorry if this is confusing for you, but what's the world worth if people don't get a second chance?
Santana Lopez: Wait, so you're saying he changed?
Shannon Beiste: Well, he knows now that if he treats me bad again, I am out.



Cooter Menkins: 
You're so selfish! You're selfish for making me feel this way, and I hate feeling like this. You know you push my buttons!



Mercedes Jones: 
I don't know. Can people change that fast? I mean, most guys I know don't even know how to change their own underwear.
Brittany S. Pierce: 
I couldn't really figure that out, so I just stopped wearing any at all.
Santana Lopez: I think you need to get out of the house, if only for a weekend. Come with us to Nationals.
Shannon Beiste: 
You have two chaperones already. I don't even know if I'm welcome back in Chicago after I body-slammed Refrigerator Perry in a bar fight.
Mercedes Jones: We care about you, Coach. We just want to see you safe.
Shannon Beiste: Thank you, girls, but I can take care of myself.



Sue Sylvester: 
Please ignore the stench of mildew and jock strap and focus your attention on the screen. Porcelina?
Kurt Hummel: 
Yesterday, I snuck into a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal, and what I saw is not for the faint of heart. Lights.
Sam Evans: Why is this in black and white?
Kurt Hummel: Because I worship The Artist.
Sue Sylvester: 
Look at that. Unlike you misfit, ragtag stumblebums, each member of Vocal Adrenaline is in perfect sync.
Will Schuester: 
Not a step out of place. Okay, watch this closely, guys. It's called the Human Centipede. It's the newest, hardest show choir dance move ever invented. Incredible.
Blaine Anderson: That actually really doesn't look that hard.
Sue Sylvester: 
And the cherry on top of the Vocal Adrenaline sundae is their secret weapon, Unique. Look at him/her. Poised, confident. Pretty as a picture with a booty that won't quit. It's the Unique factor that gives Vocal Adrenaline its edge.
Finn Hudson: Isn't Rachel our Unique factor?
Sue Sylvester: 
Not even close. I'm not saying that Mrs. Focker doesn't deserve a solo, but every show choir in the country has a little girl with a big nose.
Will Schuester: Okay, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: 
High school judges are proven idiots. They love props, and Unique is the ultimate prop.
Noah Puckerman: Do you seriously think that we need a guy to dress in drag to win?
Will Schuester: No.
Sue Sylvester: Yes. It's the only way.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Sounded pretty good to me.
Rachel Berry: I'm singing into the notes, not through them, but I'll get it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It never stops for you, does it?
Rachel Berry: 
Well, I let myself get overconfident once, and I'm not going to let it happen again.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Have you heard back from Carmen Tibideaux yet?
Rachel Berry: 
I just have to accept the fact that I'm not going to. I've e-mailed her and called her, and there's nothing left that I can do.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
You could go see her. It's what you suggested I do in the body-swapping dream I had about us. When I fell in the fountain at the mall and hit my head. It was like Freaky Friday. I was you, and you were me, and Kurt was Finn, and he wanted to have sex with me, as you.
Rachel Berry: That's very disturbing.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
But then you, as Tina, told me, as Rachel, "Go see Carmen Tibideaux in person and not take no for an answer."
Rachel Berry: 
Okay, I'm very confused. But the advice I gave myself in your dream was good.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
I did some research. Carmen Tibideaux is teaching a master class at Oberlin. If we go right now, we can still catch her. I could drive.
Rachel Berry: 
You would do that for me? Why? I mean, all that stuff you said. I mean, you weren't wrong. Look, everyone is important, and I'm very sorry if I made you feel like a supernumerary.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Everyone has their part to play, right? Maybe this is mine.
Rachel Berry: 
Thank you. You do know that next year, you're going to be the lead female vocalist. And it's a lot of pressure, but I'm not worried. Oh, no, please don't cry. You need to drive. Is your Hyundai gassed-up?



Sue Sylvester: 
Since Porcelain refuses to be a team player and dress up like a lady, we're gonna have to up our prop game. I've ordered 18 little people, one for each of you.
Will Schuester: Wait. Little people?
Sue Sylvester: 
Munchkins. I found 'em online, William. And don't worry, I got a mix of race and ethnicities so you can keep up with your little diversity charade.
Quinn Fabray: I can't dance with a little person. I can hardly walk.
Sue Sylvester: There's that can don't attitude, Quinn.
Will Schuester: 
Sue, I think maybe we are going a little too far with the props. Let's just spend some time working on choreography for "Dash Board."
Sue Sylvester: Sure, if you want to lose.
Will Schuester: Puck?
Sugar Motta: Hello...
Mercedes Jones: My eyes are burning.
Sam Evans: Look at those legs.
Santana Lopez: I am strangely turned on right now.
Noah Puckerman: Please only address me by my stage name... Lola.
Sue Sylvester: 
Puckerman, I respect your commitment to winning, but without a doubt, you are the ugliest woman I have ever seen. For a second there, I thought you were Beiste's sister.
Noah Puckerman: 
It's not about being pretty. It's about someone in here having the balls to do what he has to do to put us over the top.
Sue Sylvester: 
Well, you know, if this is gonna work, you're gonna have to shave off all of your body hair.
Will Schuester: 
Enough! Sue, look, I really appreciate all the help you've been giving us but I am done with all this props madness. All we're doing for the next three hours is learning choreography for "Dash Board." Puck, go change.
Artie Abrams: You cannot see something like that.
Sue Sylvester: 
William, I'm oddly aroused by your sudden forcefulness, and I will let you handle this rehearsal, however, I feel it necessary to warn you: I prepaid for the little people.



Rick Nelson: 
It's the darkest day in Ohio since Ernest Byner. Boy, how the mighty have truly fallen, huh? Take a good look at him, boys. This empty, useless shell of a man you see before you used to be the Noah Puckerman, the guy they named the Dumpster out by the smoking lounge after 'cause he had dumped more dweebs in it than any ten dudes combined.
Noah Puckerman: 
Keep rocking that mullet, Ricky, Maybe it a few years it will come back in style.
Rick Nelson: 
And today he finally succumbed to the toxic fumes of Glee Club and came to school wearing a fricking dress.
Noah Puckerman: 
Are you looking to pick a fight? 'Cause there's three of you and one of me, so you're gonna you'd need about two more guys to make it a fair fight, you fricking loser.
Rick Nelson: 
Oh, I'm a loser? Did I tell you I got into Ohio State? Yeah, I'm gonna play hockey there. What's your plan after graduation? Oh, that's right, you aren't graduating. Face it, Puck, you're the guy we all used to make fun of when we were freshman. The one who used to hang out hung out in front of the 7-11 picking up on high school girls after graduating. In two months you'll be buying my little brother beer and just begging him to take you to a party. You're a Lima loser.
Noah Puckerman: I'm going to rip that mullet off your head.
Rick Nelson: 
You want to fight, fine. But not here. Out by your Dumpster. See, I don't want to get in trouble. 'Cause unlike you, I got a lot to lose.



Tina Cohen-Chang: How's the wedding planning going?
Rachel Berry: 
Kind of slow lately, but we still have the same plan: win Nationals, come back, graduate, and then just have a nice little church wedding performed by a rabbi with our nearest and dearest. And hopefully nobody will get tragically injured this time.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You think we're gonna win Nationals?
Rachel Berry: 
You know, our first Regionals and last year, I had this feeling, like we were just gonna win. But this year, nothing. I just really, really, want to win, though. If not for us, then for Mr. Schue. What if we go all this way, and Carmen just says no?
Tina Cohen-Chang: She won't.
Rachel Berry: 
She might. I don't have a back up plan, all right? And I don't want to waste lose a year of my ingenue eligibility.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
You always make it so hard, but you were born under a blessed gold star. Everyone knows it.
Rachel Berry: 
I don't know if I think that way anymore. I mean, think of most of the adults we know, okay? I bet you that things used to go their way all the time, and then one day, just, they didn't. And now they have a job they hate and they live a life that they don't even recognize. And I bet you that they don't even bother to dream anymore.
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's not everyone.
Rachel Berry: 
Yeah, but most people. No. Okay. I'm not going there yet. Carmen is going to say yes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: There's the Rachel Berry we all know and love.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, I'm really glad we're doing this together. Thank you.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Can you do me one favor? Before you graduate, can we sing together?
Rachel Berry: I would love that.
Michael Sembello: # She's a mania, maniac... #



Noah Puckerman: Last chance to walk away with whatever teeth you have left, Stickhead.
Rick Nelson: 
Please. I just hope you brought a change of clothes 'cause you're going Dumpster diving. But hey, maybe while you're in there, you'll find your garbage father. How's he doing, by the way? You know, I tried his microbrew. It sucked.
The Hockey Team: Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Rick Nelson: Game on.
The Hockey Team: 
Oh! Hit him! Hit him! Hit him! Take him down! Hit him! Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!
Rick Nelson: Let's just make this easy. Hop in there yourself.
The Hockey Team: Come on, man!
Rick Nelson: 
The reign of Noah Puckerman is over! Your winner, and still a loser. Loser!
The Hockey Team: Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser!
Rick Nelson: 
Ah, you want some more, there, Nancy? Whoa! Whoa, dude. What the hell you doing, man?
Noah Puckerman: I'm not a loser!
Shannon Beiste: 
Drop it! Get over here! Drop it! The show's over! Everybody go home! Get out of here! Except for you. Come on!



Shannon Beiste: A knife?!
Noah Puckerman: It's rubber. It's just a prop from West Side Story.
Shannon Beiste: What the hell are you thinking?! You could get expelled for this!
Noah Puckerman: It doesn't matter. I'm flunking out!
Shannon Beiste: You've got a record! You could get arrested for assault!
Noah Puckerman: I don't care!
Shannon Beiste: Well, you damn well should care!
Noah Puckerman: 
I'm nothing! Don't you get it?! I'm nothing! I'm the school joke! A failure! You don't know what it's like to be worthless, where nothing you do matters! I feel that way every day of my life! Every damn day! You know how many football games or concerts my mom's been to in the last four years? None. Not one. My dad's been AWOL since I was ten years old, which is fine because all he ever did was tell me I was garbage! And he must be really proud of himself 'cause that's exactly how I turned out! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Shannon Beiste: Come here. It's okay.
Noah Puckerman: I'm sorry!
Shannon Beiste: 
You know, you and me, we're badasses. Nobody thinks anything hurts us, but it does. It does.



Male Student: 
# But I'm always true to you, darlin', #
# In my fashion #
# Yes, I'm always true to you... #
# Darling, in my way... #
Carmen Tibideaux: Breath control is better, but the phrasing is still emotionally flaccid.
Male Student: Emotionally flaccid. Thank you, Madame Tibideaux. Thank you.
Rachel Berry: 
Madame Tibideaux, hello. I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's me, Rachel Berry. I'm sorry. I realize that I've been a little persistent, but I'm just...
Carmen Tibideaux: 
I am a very busy woman. Every moment I spend deleting yet another one of your voicemails about lost hopes and dreams takes time away from another student. What makes you think you are entitled to any more attention than other hundreds of people I see with the same hopes and dreams?
Rachel Berry: No. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to take time away from them.
Carmen Tibideaux: But you do. And I'm tired of it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Ms. Tibideaux, I know exactly how you feel. Rachel Berry is a pain in the ass. What she wants, she gets. And I've spent a lot of time resenting her for it. But the fact is, she gets it because she's exceptional. Not just the voice, which is sick, but the focus, the drive. How often do you come across the real deal?
Carmen Tibideaux: The "real deal" that couldn't remember the words to the song?
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Which was as rare as a Bigfoot sighting. She had an off day, and that decides her entire future?
Rachel Berry: 
Ms. Tibideaux, I realize that I'm asking you to take me into special consideration. But let me ask you. You've had an amazing career, did you get there by playing by it safe? Please, we're performing our Nationals in Chicago, and we saw that you're gonna be singing there at the Lyric Opera. And before you close the door, I just, I need you to hear me sing. I have to. There's nothing that I'm as good at or as passionate about or that brings me that much joy. And I think that that sets me apart.
Carmen Tibideaux: And I think it's time for you and your friend to go.
Rachel Berry: 
Okay, but I just want you to know that... I'll see you again next year. And every year after that until I get in. Didn't I read somewhere that you auditioned for Juilliard four times? Thank you.



Cooter Menkins: 
Hey, baby. I got us a couple of pies. Hawaiian, your favorite. I'm sorry, Shannon. You know how sorry I am. Listen, guy from Michigan has been poaching every kid I took a sniff of and everyone's on my ass and, if I'm being totally honest... I'm always feeling like I'm disappointing you. And... it doesn't matter. You know why? 'Cause I know I can't lose my cool anymore, and I won't. I promise. Oh, come on, baby, sit down. We're celebrating. You remember that, uh, that bear of a lineman I told you I was hot on from Newton South? Got him to sign on the dotted line! Come on, baby. You got my word. What, are you gonna stab me?
Shannon Beiste: 
Not with that one. It's fake. Maybe the big one in the kitchen. The one I've been sleeping with at night under my pillow.
Cooter Menkins: 
Oh, God. Baby, I'm so sorry. I mean, how did we let it get so out of hand?
Shannon Beiste: 
I'm out. I got shame about what happened between us, but I leave that here with my ring and with you.
Cooter Menkins: 
Oh, please, please. Don't... don't leave me, okay? You can't hate me anymore than I already hate myself.
Shannon Beiste: 
I don't hate you! That's the awful part of it. I love you! But what does that say about what I think of me?
Cooter Menkins: 
What are you gonna do, huh, just walk out on me? Who's going to love you the way I loved you, Shannon? Who's going to love you now?
Shannon Beiste: Me.



Noah Puckerman: 
# You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons #
# That you use against me #
# You have knocked me off my feet again #
# Got me feeling like I'm nothing #
# You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard #
# Calling me out when I'm wounded #
# You, pickin' on the weaker man #
Shannon Beiste: 
# Well, you can take me down with just one single blow #
# But you don't know what you don't know #
Noah & Shannon: 
# Someday I'll be living in a big old city #
# And all you're ever gonna be is mean #
# Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me #
# And all you're ever gonna be is mean #
Noah Puckerman: 
# Why you gotta be so mean? #
# And I can see you years from now in a bar #
Noah & Shannon: # Talking over a football game #
Noah Puckerman: # With that same big, loud opinion #
Noah & Shannon: # But nobody's listening #
Noah Puckerman: # Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things #
Shannon Beiste: 
# Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing #
# But all you are is mean #
Noah Puckerman: 
# All you are is mean #
# And a liar #
# And pathetic #
# And alone in life and mean #
Noah & Shannon: 
# And mean, and mean, and mean #
# But someday I'll be living in a big old city #
# And all you're ever gonna be is mean #
# Yeah #
# Someday I'll be living in a big old city #
Shannon Beiste: # Why gotta be so mean? #
Noah Puckerman: # And you're ever gonna be is mean #
Noah & Shannon: # Why you gotta be so mean? #
Shannon Beiste: So why are you in here singing all by your lonesome?
Noah Puckerman: Just trying out a song for Nationals. I gotta win at something.
Shannon Beiste: 
Well, you may not know it, but you already have. I talked to Mrs. Doosenberry. She's gonna let you have another go at that test.
Noah Puckerman: Why? She hates me.
Shannon Beiste: 
Hated your attitude. But I told her how you wiggled into a skirt for the good of your team.
Noah Puckerman: 
She's into that? Oh, should've known Doosenberry was a lady-lover when she didn't climb aboard the Puck wagon.
Shannon Beiste: 
No, when you did that, you showed that you cared about something. Something way bigger than just you. That's all she ever wanted from you. That's all any of us teachers ever wanted. So, you're gonna retake the exam next week, and I'm gonna help you through it.
Noah Puckerman: Why would you do that, help me like that?
Shannon Beiste: 
Because, Noah, you will never know how much you've helped me. You are loved, punkin. You are not alone.



Rory Flanagan: Aah, I pricked my thumb!
Sugar Motta: Okay, Costume Committee? Sucks. Why do we have to do all the work?
Joseph Hart: Quinn says it's because we're the newbies, and we gotta pay our dues.
Sugar Motta: Whatever. It's ridick the seniors treat us like plebes. I mean, this is Rachel Berry's dress, right? She should sew it herself.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Rachel is probably practicing her songs right now, over and over again, until her vocal chords bleed. And none of us would be going to Chicago if not for her commitment to Glee Club, so show some respect.
Sugar Motta: While we're acting like shrubbery in the background?
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Put in the work... be a good team player, and you'll get your solos. And maybe next year it'll be as part of a group that won Nationals. And this costume is yours, Sugar, but I'm happy to be sewing it. Because the truth is, it takes a lot of crystals to make something shine.



Will Schuester: 
Now, that's great, and then we shift to the Trouble Tones for Gaga's "Edge of Glory," which is up-tempo. I like this. This will work.
Sue Sylvester: William, I can taste your Axe Body Spray.
Will Schuester: Hey, you. Going somewhere, Shannon?
Shannon Beiste: 
I'd like to be a chaperone for Nationals. I'll pay my own way and I'll sleep on the bus.
Will Schuester: You don't have to sleep on the bus. I'm sure we can make room.
Sue Sylvester: 
I booked an executive maternity suite. Sharing it wouldn't be fair to the baby.
Will Schuester: You can bunk with me and Emma.
Sue Sylvester: So you packed a bag on the off-chance you'd be coming to Chicago?
Shannon Beiste: I left him.
Will Schuester: Welcome aboard, Shannon.



Rachel Berry: If it wasn't for Tina, I would never have gone to see Carmen Tibideaux.
Finn Hudson: 
Yeah, she's like an offensive lineman. She always in the trenches, picking up blitzers so the quarterback can lead the drive.
Rachel Berry: 
Sorry, you lost me at "offensive lineman," but I'm sure whatever you said was really nice. All right, there's no other option but just to exceed all expectations. We have to win at Nationals. There's no alternative.
Finn Hudson: You know, you really are our "Unique Factor."
Sam Evans: 
Ah, it's "You know, I did hundreds and hundreds of movies. Now, two mice jumped into a bucket of cream and..."
Rachel Berry: 
No, no, I think we all are. I mean, in a sea full of kids who are just desperately clinging to their own kind, we're different. We took the time to get to know each other and reach out and accept one other. That's our "Unique Factor." And that's what I love about us.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, me, too.



Rachel Berry: 
# All alone I have cried #
# Silent tears, full of pride #
# In a world made of steel #
# Made of stone #
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
# Well, I hear the music #
# Close my eyes, feel the rhythm #
Rachel Berry: # Wrap around, take ahold of my heart #
Tina & Rachel: 
# What a feeling #
# Bein's believin' #
# I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life #
# Take your passion #
# And make it happen #
# Pictures come alive #
# Now I'm dancing through my life #
Rachel Berry: # What a feeling #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # What a feeling #
Girls of ND: # I am music now #
Rachel Berry: # Bein's believin' #
Girls of ND: # I am rhythm now #
Tina & Rachel: 
# Pictures come alive #
# You can dance right through your life #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # What a feeling #
Girls of ND: # I can really have it all #
Rachel Berry: # What a feeling #
Girls of ND: # I am rhythm now #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I can have it all #
Girls of ND: # I can really have it all #
Rachel Berry: # Have it all #
Tina & Rachel: 
# Call, call, call, call #
# What a feeling! #
Will Schuester: Let's go to Nationals!
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321. Nationals

Ian Brennan: So here's what's you missed on Glee: The Glee Club started out as underdogs, singing show tunes in the choir room, and now they're headed to Chicago to compete for a national championship. I mean, they made it to Nationals last year in New York, but they came in 12th. It was sort of a nightmare. Rachel's nightmare totally came true when she choked at her NYADA audition, and literally all she's talked about for three years is New York, Broadway, Streisand, Broadway.
Santana Lopez: Ugh!
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: What's going on? How bad is it?
Sue Sylvester: Her temperature's 101 degrees. Given the fact that Weezy's complaining about an upset stomach, it's either Amazonian dengue fever or the H1N1 super virus.
Mercedes Jones: Or I have food poisoning.
Santana Lopez: We all wanted burritos for lunch, so we went to Chipotle, but Mercedes tried some dive called "Señora Salsation."
Sue Sylvester: Will, word, please. With Monique down for the count, we are entering the Hunger Games of show choir competition without one of our most powerful voices. We need to have a plan.
Will Schuester: Right. Because New Directions! doesn't win, that means you go back to being co-captains of the Cheerios! with Roz Washington.
Sue Sylvester: Your sniping is as expository as it is wrong. Yes, I have fantasized about handing that prize money to Principal Figgins so I could buy back my sole control of the Cheerios!, but my main concern right now is for these kids. I want this one for them.
Will Schuester: I just don't want everything we worked for to collapse because of one bad burrito. So here's what's gonna happen: Mercedes, you're on bed rest, Quinn, you're stepping in.
Quinn Fabray: No, no, no, I can't dance that number. I can't sing it, either, not like...
Will Schuester: The Trouble Tones need you.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And you're better than you think you are.
Will Schuester: Tina, you, too. You're in the Trouble Tones.
Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue, this is my last competition. I don't want to miss it.
Sue Sylvester: Amen, to that, sister. That's why I'm putting you on a vitamin B-12 drip. We're flushing your system with Pedialyte, and I'm gonna fill that bathtub with ice and see if we can't get your ambient body temperature back down to normal. Worked in Jacob's Ladder.
Will Schuester: All right, we all have our marching orders. Let's do it.



Emma Pillsbury: Hey. You okay?
Will Schuester: What if we don't win? What's gonna happen with those kids?
Emma Pillsbury: It's a competition. They understand that everybody can't win.
Will Schuester: But they never get to win. School's almost over, forever for most of them. Can you imagine what what it would be like for them to have just a couple of days walking the halls as champions? It's something they would carry around with them for the rest of their lives.
Emma Pillsbury: If you're gonna lead them to the promised land, you're gonna have to have an attitude adjustment. But, Will, they're ready. You made 'em ready for three years.
Will Schuester: But what if it wasn't enough?
Shannon Beiste: Will, you better come downstairs. We got a problem.



Will Schuester: Hey, calm down! Hey, hey, calm down! Calm down!
Sugar Motta: Fight, fight, fight!
Will Schuester: Hey, cool out!
Sam Evans: He's studying for geography while we're trying to rehearse! It's bogus!
Noah Puckerman: 'Cause I already know the dance! You dance like you got your feet caught in bear traps. You're trying to gnaw them off.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, are you aware that while we're arguing about jazz squares, Unique is being handed the key to the city by Rahm Emanuel?
Will Schuester: Really?
Brittany S. Pierce: And plus my pillow and my blanket fell into the pool. Disaster.
Artie Abrams: Look, I think everybody is just a little tired. We've been rehearsing for three straight hours.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, and we'll rehearse all night if we have to. We can rest after we've won!
Rachel Berry: Just because we've lost Mercedes doesn't mean we can be anything less than perfect. Perfect!
Artie Abrams: That's easy for you to say.
Santana Lopez: Okay, you know what? You know what? Hey! I don't want to hear any of this, "We can't do it without her," because guess what? We don't have a choice. So be warned: if you are not giving this everything you've got, I will go all Lima Heights on your sorry asses.
Will Schuester: Listen to yourselves.
Santana Lopez: I know. I'm sorry. I always go to the yelling place. I have rage.
Will Schuester: No, it's a good thing. A great thing. There is so much passion in this room Even all your arguing, it's about the work. You guys really want this. Okay, so let's take a half-hour break, and then we'll run it from the top.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Mr. Schue, is it okay if we keep going? We got the first slot, which is, like, the death slot. We have to be amazing.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, "Edge of Glory's" a bitch. I said I'd be dancing by nationals.I'll be damned if I don't.
Will Schuester: Okay, then let's keep going. Mike, help the guys out with the choreography. Artie, help Puck with his geography. Ladies, "Edge of Glory." Come on. Brittany, run us through it.
Brittany S. Pierce: From the chorus?
Will Schuester: Yeah, from the chorus. Let's do it.
Brittany S. Pierce: Watch out. We're gonna do it. Okay. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five...
Will Schuester: You okay?
Brittany S. Pierce: ...six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four...
Will Schuester: Keep up.



Jesse St. James: Looking for what's left of your dignity?
Rachel Berry: Nice to see you, too, Jessie.
Jesse St. James: If I were you, I'd be spending more time fing on how you're gonna wrap up fourth place than looking for her. There's no way in hell Carmen Tibideaux's coming here.
Rachel Berry: Wait. How do you know about Carmen?
Jesse St. James: It's my business to know everything that goes on with my competition. I'm always looking for that extra edge. I hate to think you pull the same choke job up there today.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know exactly what you're doing right now, okay? We didn't date for that long, and I don't even know how much of it was actually real, but when you get nervous, you get mean and you get really pale, and then you start putting your hands through your hair like Danny Zuko.
Jesse St. James: Look, you have no idea the kind of pressure I'm under. Last year, Vocal Adrenaline only lost for the first time in eight years. If we lose again this year, that's it. The dynasty is over. The mystique and aura that we used to intimidate our opponents with will vanish. I promised them that I would reboot the program. I'll be humiliated.
Rachel Berry: You did help the program. What you did with Unique was amazing.
Jesse St. James: It was a pretty inspired idea of mine.
Rachel Berry: It was actually Kurt's and Mercedes', but...
Jesse St. James: But I implemented it. I don't know. I just think these new rules are messing with my head; 33% of the numbers have to be vintage? What does that even mean? The only thing vintage about me is my Tyrone Powers haircut and my pager.
Rachel Berry: Are you forgetting who you are, Jesse, okay? Your Bohemian Rhapsody was, like, the benchmark performance of every show choir competition in the past ten years.
Jesse St. James: Most people don't realize I lost ten pounds during that performance.
Rachel Berry: You guys are gonna do great today. Even though we're definitely gonna beat you.
Jesse St. James: Oh, cocky all of a sudden. I like it.
Finn Hudson: Hey, everything okay?
Rachel Berry: Yeah, everything's good. I'm gonna go get ready. It was very good to see you.
Jesse St. James: You, too.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Jesse St. James: Heard you two are getting married.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Jesse St. James: Good for you. Good luck today.
Finn Hudson: You, too.



Rachel Berry: For me?
Finn Hudson: Well, it's for the wedding. For the Jewish part where you smash the glass. It's like, the climax of the wedding, right? Right before we kiss?
Rachel Berry: Yeah, it's supposed to symbolize the fragility of life or the destruction of the temple or something like that.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rachel Berry: It's very sweet.
Finn Hudson: But whatever. I wanted a piece of this town to be there. This is the town where everything's gonna change. We're gonna go from losers to National Champs.
Rachel Berry: Your optimism if very sexy.
Finn Hudson: Well, I'm so optimistic, I put my money where my mouth is.



Rick Nelson: You want to bet me that your dork club is gonna outdork all the other dork clubs in the country?
Finn Hudson: 500 bucks.
Rick Nelson: You're so on.



Rachel Berry: Wait a minute. That money was supposed to be for our honeymoon, okay? It was our money that we saved from babysitting and the tips you made at the tire shop!
Finn Hudson: I'm gonna double it. I'm gonna make it a thousand dollars. That's, like, an extra two nights in Niagara Falls.
Rachel Berry: What if we lose?
Finn Hudson: Not this time. Carmen Tibideaux is coming, and we're gonna be perfect. And then we're gonna get married, and I'm gonna smash this glass, and then we're gonna live happily ever after.
Rachel Berry: I love you.
Will Schuester: All right, gather around, everyone! I just want to say a few words before we go out there.
Finn Hudson: Hold on, Mr. Schue. Hold on. You've given us a lot of pep talks over the years, but remember, you told us once that, you know, a teacher's job is done when his students don't need him anymore?
Will Schuester: Okay. Finn, the floor is yours.
Finn Hudson: Last night we all sat around in a circle after you went to bed and we told stories. But then we went around the room, and everybody said what they wanted to win this thing for, and we all said the same thing: we want to win this for you.
Sugar Motta: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: And I know every year at school Figgins gives away the Teacher of the Year award. But I don't think any of us have to wait to see how we feel about that. You're, like, our Teacher of a Lifetime.
Sugar Motta: Yeah. Whoo!
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, definitely.
Will Schuester: Thank you, Finn, all of you. I love you guys so much. All right, that's it. Show time. Hands in, everyone.
Mercedes Jones: Now I know you weren't planning on doing the show circle without me.
Santana Lopez: Weezy?
Tina Cohen-Chang: You're alive!
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, thanks to Sue. She's a miracle worker.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, well, it's amazing what a little TLC, some cortisone and a witch doctor will do.
Quinn Fabray: Thank God you're okay because that just means I'm not gonna fall on my face during that Trouble Tones number.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, screw that. This is our last time performing together. You're doing it, and so you are you, Tina. I'm not taking no for an answer. Plus I have so many steroids going through my body right now, I may turn into the Incredible Hulk if you piss me off.
Will Schuester: Okay, if we don't get out of this room soon, none of us will be performing. Let's go!
New Directions: Go, Weezy!



Sue Sylvester: Dick Butkus, I beg of you, chew your cud with your mouth closed.
Shannon Beiste: Sorry. I'm as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Sue Sylvester: Think how you'd feel if your entire teaching career were riding on this.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay?
Will Schuester: I really wish we weren't going first. The kids are right, it's the death slot. Carmen Tibideaux isn't here, Mercedes still has a fever. I don't know if Quinn...
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 48th annual National High School Show Choir Competition brought to you in part by Salozy-Edison Chevrolet, where you always save more money! Please give a warm Windy City welcome to our judges... America's sweetheart, Lindsay Lohan! Hollywood gossip legend, Perez Hilton! And Democratic City Councilman representing the new North Side and the West Loop corridor, 51st Ward Alderman Martin Fong! I remind you to please turn off all cell phones and pagers...
Santana Lopez: The holy trinity... starting together... ending together.
Brittany S. Pierce: Just the way it should be.
Announcer: Please welcome our first contestants, from William McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!
Santana Lopez: # There ain't a reason #
# You and me should be alone tonight, yeah, baby #
# Tonight, yeah, baby #
# I got a reason that you should take me home tonight #
The Troubletones: # Huh, huh, huh, huh #
Mercedes Jones: # I need a man that thinks it's right #
# But it's so wrong tonight, yeah, baby #
# Tonight, yeah, baby #
# Right on the limb #
# It's where we know we both belong tonight #
The Troubletones: # Huh, huh #
Quinn Fabray: # It's hard to feel the rush #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # To push the dangerous #
Quinn Fabray: # I'm gonna run right to, #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # To the edge with you #
Quinn & Tina: # Where we can both fall far in love #
Santana Lopez: # Out on the edge of glory #
Mercedes Jones: # Glory #
Santana Lopez: # And I'm hanging on a moment of truth #
Mercedes Jones: # I'm hanging on a moment of truth #
Santana Lopez: # I'm on the edge of glory #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah... #
Santana Lopez: # And I'm hanging on a moment with you #
Mercedes Jones: # Hanging on a moment of truth #
Santana Lopez: # I'm on the edge The edge, the edge #
Mercedes & Santana: # The edge, the edge, the edge, the edge #
Santana Lopez: # I'm on the edge #
Mercedes Jones: # Of glory, yeah #
Santana Lopez: # Of glory #
Mercedes & Santana: # And I'm hanging on a moment with you #
Quinn & Tina: # With you, with you, with you, with you #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
Santana Lopez: # I'm the edge with you #
Quinn & Tina: # With you, with you, with you, with you #
Mercedes Jones: # Ah, yeah #
Santana Lopez: # I'm on the edge with you #
Rachel Berry: She didn't come.
Finn Hudson: Stop it. Look at me. This is your moment! Okay? Three years in the making. Forget about everything else. Take it.
Rachel Berry: # There were nights when the wind was so cold #
# That my body froze in bed #
# If I just listened to it #
# Right outside the window #
Sugar, Tina & Quinn: # Ah ah... #
Rachel Berry: # There were days when the sun #
# Was so cruel #
# That all the tears turned to dust #
# And I just knew my eyes #
# Were drying up forever #
Sugar, Tina & Quinn: # Ah ah... forever... #
Rachel Berry: # I finished crying #
# In the instant that you left #
# And I can't remember where or when #
# Or how #
# And I banished every memory #
# You and I had ever made #
# But when you touch me like this #
# And you hold me like that #
# I just have to admit #
# That it's all coming back to me #
# It's all coming back #
# It's all coming back to me now #
# There were moments of gold #
# And there were flashes of light #
# There were nights of endless pleasure #
# It was more than all your #
# Laws allowed #
# Baby, baby, baby #
# When you touch me like this #
# And when you hold me like that #
# It was gone with the wind #
# But it's all coming back to me #
# I can barely recall #
# But it's all coming back to me now #
New Directions: # Shah shah shah #
# Shah shah shah #
# Shah shah shah shah shah #
Finn Hudson: # Well, I remember every little thing #
# As if it happened only yesterday #
# Parking by the lake #
# And there was not another car in sight #
# And never had a girl #
# Looking any better than you did #
New Directions: # Ooh shah shah ooh shah shah #
# And all the kids at school #
# They were wishing they were me that night #
Noah Puckerman: # And now our bodies are oh so close and tight #
New Directions: # Ooh shah shah ooh shah shah #
Noah Puckerman: # It never felt so good #
# It never felt so right #
New Directions: # Ooh shah shah shah ooh shah shah #
Kurt & Blaine: # And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife #
# Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife #
Blaine Anderson: # Come on #
# Hold tight #
# Well, come on #
# Hold tight #
New Directions: # Ah... #
Brittany & Santana: # Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night #
Kurt & Blaine: # I can see paradise by the dashboard light #
Finn Hudson: # Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night #
Mercedes Jones: # In the deep dark night #
Finn Hudson: # Paradise by #
Finn & Mercedes: # The dashboard light #
Noah & Finn: # We're gonna go all the way tonight #
# We're gonna go all the way and tonight's the night #
Finn, Blaine & Noah: # We're gonna go all the way tonight #
# We're gonna go all the way, tonight's the night #
Finn, Noah, Blaine & Santana: # We're gonna go all the way tonight # # We're gonna go all the way, tonight's the night # Finn, Noah, Blaine, Santana & Mercedes: # We're gonna go all the way tonight # # We're gonna go all the way, tonight's the night #
Rachel Berry: # Stop right there #
# Ah yeah... # # I gotta know right now # # Before we go any further # # Do you love me? # # Will you love me forever? Do you need me? # # Will you never leave me? # # Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life? # # Will you take me away? Will you make me your wife? # # Let me sleep on it # # Sleep on it # # Baby, baby, let me sleep on it # # Sleep on it # # Let me sleep on it # # I'll give you an answer in the morning # # I gotta know right now # # Do you love me? Will you love me forever? # # Do you, do you love me? # # Do you need me? Will you never leave me? # # Do you, do you need me? # # Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life? # # Will you take me away? # # Will you make me your wife? # # Do you love me? # # Will you love me forever? # # Let me sleep on it # # Will you love me forever? # # Let me sleep on it # # Oh, will you love me forever? # # Couldn't take it any longer Lord, I was crazed # # When the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave # # Started swearing to my God and on my mother's grave # # That I would love you to the end of time # # I swore # # I would love you till the end of time # # Ah ah ah # # So now I'm praying for the end of time # # To hurry up and arrive # # 'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you # # I don't think that I could really survive # # I'll never break my promise or forget my vow # # But God only knows what I can do right now # # I'm praying for the end of time # # That's all I can do # # All that I can do # # I'm praying for the end of time # # So I can end my time with you # # It was long ago and it was far away # # It never felt so good # # And it was so much better # # It never felt so right # # Than it is today # # And we were glowing like the metal # # Better than it is today # It was so long ago # # And it was so much better than it is today # # Ai-yi-yi-yi # # It was long ago # # It never felt so good # # And it was far away # # It never felt so right # # And it was so much better than yesterday # # Felt so right # # Felt so good # # Paradise. # + If you've come to mess with my head, don't worry, I'm not going out there. We came to wish Unique luck and give her this flower Well, Unique has left the building. Try as I might, I can't conjure her. Wait, this is just stage fright. Think of the last time you performed as Unique. You were smash. That was different. Nobody knew Unique. I didn't have to be any one other than the one I truly was. Now everyone is coming for me. Jesse, the rest of my team, I can't take the pressure. All I... All I ever wanted to do, was wear a dress and sing. And now I'm a poster to every child that's different. I can't handle it... I just can't handle it. You may not be able to handle it, but maybe Unique can. You gotta move through that fear and expectation. At least that's what real stars do. -Aren;t we supposed to be enemies? -Yeah, but that's not how we roll in the New Directions. Not, really our style. Alright, let me get ready. Which lipstick? Ruby red or sugar rose? MERCEDES: Good luck. Break a heel. I'll tell you what. Unique might need to transfer schools next year. ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage from Carmel High in Akron, Ohio, Vocal Adrenaline! # Let's go to the beach, each # # Let's go get away # # They say what they gonna say # # Have a drink, clink, found the Bud Light # # Bad girls like me is hard to come by # # The Patron, on, let's go get it on # # The zone, on, yes, I'm in the zone # # Is it two, three? Leave a good tip # # I'mma blow off my money # # And don't give two cents, whoo! # # I'm on the floor, floor # # I love to dance # # So give me more, more # # Till I can't stand # # Get on the floor, floor # # Like it's your last chance # # If you want more, more # # Then here I am # # Starships were meant to fly # # Hands up # # And touch the sky # # Can't stop # # 'Cause we're so high # # Let's do this # # One more time # # Starships # # Were meant to fly # # Hands up # # And touch the sky # # Let's do this # # One last time # # Can't stop # # Higher than any other # # Oh, oh # # Oh, oh # # Higher than any other # # Oh, oh # # Oh, oh # # Higher than any other # # Starships were meant to fly # # Hands up and touch the sky # # Can't stop 'cause we're so high # # Let's do this one more time # # Starships were meant to fly # # Hands up and touch the sky # # Let's do this one last time # # Can't stop # # Higher than any other # # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh # # Oh-oh, oh-oh # # Higher than any other # # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh # # Oh-oh, oh-oh # # Higher than any other. # # Ever since I was a young boy # # I played the silver ball # # From Soho down to Brighton # # I must have played them all # # But I ain't seen nothing like him in any amusement hall # # That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball # # He's a pinball wizard, there has to be a twist # # A pinball wizard's got such a supple wrist # # How do you think he does it? # # I don't know # # What makes him so good? # # Well, he ain't got no distractions # # Can't hear no buzzes and bells # # Don't see lights a-flashing # # He plays by sense of smell # # Always has a replay and never tilts at all # # That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball # # He's a pinball wizard # # There has to be a twist # # A pinball wizard's got such a supple wrist # # He's a pinball wizard # # He's scored a trillion more # # A pinball wizard # # The world's new pinball lord # # He's scoring more # # He's scoring more # # More, more, more, more # # I thought I was the Bally table king # # But I just handed my pinball crown to him # # To him # # To him # # Yeah-ah-ah-ah...! # + I have a confession to make. I am a show choir junkie. Some people follow football; some people follow the NCAA basketball tournament; some people follow the daily goings-on in the life of their wife and children. Not me. I follow competitive high school show choir. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God! Seriously? Did you blog just about me during that performance? You're welcome. It's already got over three million hits. And secondly, if you don't love show choir, then what exactly are you doing here, Lindsay Lohan? If you have to ask why a 12-time Teen Choice Award nominee is a celebrity judge, then you don't really understand what the word celebrity means. I was robbed for Freaky Friday. And I'm here, Perez, because I care about young artists chasing their impossible dreams. I know them. I feel them. I was them. So, I'm here to support them unconditionally. Let's get down to business. We need to narrow our choices down to the top three. I, for one, was really moved by the Scale Blazers' haunting medley homage to Starlight Express. # Starlight Express # # You must confess # # Are you real? # # Yes or no? # You know who I was really impressed with? The New Directions. They had so much energy. It was awesome. Oh, but gosh, last year in New York, they choked. They didn't even crack the top ten. I liked them, but they weren't the best singers and dancers. They are likable. And is there anything better than someone making a comeback? Please. The New Directions were horrible. Jim Steinman should never be allowed to write another song again. I'm for Vocal Adrenaline all the way. I think that Unique kid is a star. He's like Tina and Ike Turner... Together. Exactly. Again. Just imagine how much it would mean to those poor unfortunate outcast kids to see him/her on national television leading his/her team to victory! This isn't televised. What? This thing isn't even televised? I am in full imagery- rendering mood, people. I show up here and there's not even a red button to push? And a chair that can spin me around? Or I can then point at a kid onstage and yell, "I would work with you!" Really? I'm seriously firing my manager. Can I use that as an exclusive? Absolutely not. This is serious. These are kids' dreams on the line out there. Do you know what it looks like when a kid's show choir dreams are disrespected? Mm-hmm. This is what it looks like, and it really hurts. We need to vote now. I need to get back to my computer ASAP. The Duggars are pregnant... again. Fine by me. I know who I'm voting for. What about you, Fonger? # # ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes to our award ceremony. Please return to your seats. Excuse me, Ms. Tibideaux. I'm Jesse St. James, the coach of Vocal Adrenaline. I... I auditioned for you two years ago. You said I showed promise. And you probably did. I see hundreds of people every day. Good day to you. No, I'm not here for me. I heard that you came here today to see Rachel Berry. And there's something you need to know about her. Rachel's the most talented person I've ever met. Bar none. If anyone's gonna be a star someday, it's her. She'll make an excellent contribution to NYADA. You won't regret it, I promise. Anyway, thanks for your time. Giants in the Sky. You did "Giants in the Sky" from Into the Woods. You ran into obstacles with your breath work, and your diction wasn't crisp enough to handle what is arguably Sondheim's most challenging work. But your passion and your vocal range were admirable, Good luck to you. ANNOUNCER: And now it's time to announce the winner of this year's individual show choir MVP award. From Vocal Arednaline, Carmel High's Wade "Unique" Adams! And now a round of applause to your top three finalists for this year's National Show Choir Championship. In third place... ...all the way from Oregon the Portland Scale Blazers! And now, ladies and gentlemen, quiet, please. Congratulations to both teams standing with us onstage. But not it's time to announce a winner. The 2012 National Show Choir Champions... ...from McKinley High in Limo, Ohio, The New Directions. + # # # Take me to your best friend's house # # Going around this runabout # # Oh, yeah # # Take me to your best friend's house # # I loved you then and I love you now # # Oh, yeah # # Don't take me tongue-tied # # Don't wave no good-bye # # Don't... # # Break # # One, two, three, four # # Don't leave me tongue-tied # # Let's stay up all night # # I'll get real high # # Slumber party; pillow fight # # My eyes and your eyes # # Like Peter Pan up in the sky # # My best friend's house tonight # # Let's bump the beats till beddy-bye # # Don't take me tongue-tied # Hey. # Don't wave no good-bye # # Don't take me tongue-tied # # Don't kiss me good night # # Don't... # # Take me to your best friend's house # # Going around this roundabout # # Oh, yeah # # Oh, take me to your best friend's house # # I loved you then and I love you now # # Don't leave me tongue-tied # # Don't wave no good-bye # # Don't leave me tongue-tied # # Don't... # # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # # Yeah, yeah # # Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh. # # # # # What could Figgins want with us? Maybe we're getting a key to the city. FIGGINS: Prom royalty... Finn Hudson and Rachel Berry. Take a seat, as I only have a few moments before I must chastise the cafeteria cooks for selling our frozen vegetables on the black market. As co-captains of the nationally victorious New Directions! singing group, please accept these official William McKinley High School bumper stickers and miniature pom-poms. Oh, cool. And though I don't condone youngsters getting married, and I wish that everyone would wait until they were at least 29 years old, with solid employment and a 401k retirement plan, here's a little something for your impending wedding celebration. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. My pleasure. And there is one more item on the agenda: McKinley is having a very special event tomorrow, and I am requesting that New Directions! singing group perform. Yeah, we'd love to. Yeah. Absolutely. What kind of special event? Can you keep a secret? + FIGGINS: And now the award you've all been waiting for: Teacher of the Year. To announce the winner, please welcome to the stage so-called Finchel. FINN: Hi. The 2012 William McKinley High School Teacher of the Year Award goes to... Mr. Will Schuester! Yeah! Way to go, buddy. Wait, just, uh... before you come up to accept the award, we just wanted to say a few things. Uh... Three years ago, I thought I had it all. I was the quarterback of the football team, I was dating the head cheerleader. And then I met you, Mr. Schue, and I realized everything I was missing. There's a lot of great teachers at this school, who teach their students a lot of important stuff, like how to drive and-and fractions... ...but you teach your students how to dream. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing more important than that. Mr. Schue... when I first met you, I was just an annoying Jewish girl with two gay dads and a very big dream. Today... I still have two dads, and I'm still Jewish, and I'm probably just as annoying, but... I stand before you headed to New York City come hell or high water and, um, I can honestly say that I couldn't have done it without you, and I will carry you every step of the way, so... Congratulations. Um... no one deserves this more than you. We love you and... : this is for you. # I've paid my dues # # Time after time # # I've done my sentence # # But committed no crime # # And bad mistakes # # I've made a few # # I've had my share of sand kicked in my face # # But I've come through # # And we mean to go on and on and on and on # # We are the champions, my friends # # And we'll keep on fighting till the end # # We are the champions # # We are the ampions # # No time for losers # # 'Cause we are the champions # # Of the world # # I've taken my bows # # And my curtain calls # # You brought me fame and fortune # # And everything that goes with it # # I thank you all # # But it's been no bed of roses # # No pleasure cruise # # I consider it a challenge # # Before the whole human race # # And I ain't gonna lose # # And we mean to go on and on and on and on # # We are the champions, my friends # # And we'll keep on fighting till the end # # We are the champions # # We are the champions # # No time for losers # # 'Cause we are the champions # # Of the world # # We are the champions # # Champions. #
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322. Goodbye

New Directions: # ...thank the Lord #
Artie Abrams: # And I said to myself, sit down #
New Directions: # Said to myself, sit down #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
New Directions: # Sit down #
Artie Abrams: # I said to myself, sit down #
New Directions: # Said to myself, sit down #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# And the Devil will drag you under #
# By the scarf in back of your checkered coat #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
New Directions: # Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down, sit down #
# You're rockin' the boat #
Kurt Hummel: # Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down #
Kurt & Tina: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down #
New Directions: # You're rocking the boat! #
Santana Lopez: That was the most ghetto number I have ever seen.
Artie Abrams: Then just call me George Jefferson, because we went from the ghetto to the penthouse. National champs, baby! Yay.
Will Schuester: This week's assignment is easy. Graduation is just a few days away. There's nothing left to prepare for. Our work here is done, so there's only one thing left to do: Say goodbye. Underclassmen, pick some songs to say goodbye to the seniors; seniors, pick a song to say goodbye to us.
Mercedes Jones: A part of me wants to lock these doors and stay in here with everyone forever.
Brittany S. Pierce: We can use the wastebasket for the toilet, and then we could eat Joe for the food, since she's been here the shortest, so we know her the least.
Quinn Fabray: I really hope you're about to rap.
Will Schuester: No such luck. I'm leading by example here. This one... is for you guys.
# Ooh... #
# May the good Lord be with you #
# Down every road you roam #
# And may sunshine and happiness surround you #
# When you're far from home #
# Be courageous and be brave #
# And in my heart, you'll always stay #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #
# May good fortune be with you #
# May your guiding light be strong #
# Build a stairway to heaven with a prince or a vagabond #
# And may you never love in vain #
# And in my heart, you'll always remain #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #



Kurt Hummel: When I first got to McKinley, I was afraid to make eye contact. I didn't talk about my politics, I didn't share what was in my heart I... oh, let's just call the Cadillac pink and be done with it. I was in the closet. And most days, I was also in the Dumpster. But McKinley has made me a stronger, more socially conscious, fashion-forward person. And perhaps I played some small part in making it possible for tadpole gays all over Lima to be themselves in public. Not a bad legacy for someone who once pretended to be in lust with Rachel Berry so I wouldn't have to date Mercedes Jones. Now if I can just get through the next few days without turning into a hot mess teary train wreck.



Kurt Hummel: Ted... why on earth did you want to meet me in here? Oh, my God-- my NYDADA letter came, didn't it?
Burt Hummel: Not yet. Sit down. I want to give you your graduation present.
Kurt Hummel: Is Elaine Stritch here?
Burt Hummel: I don't know who that is. See, this is the problem with getting you gifts-- I can't make heads or tails about what it is your like.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, I'm easy. Just get me something from Tom Ford's Vanities in Vanity Fair.
Burt Hummel: Good to know. So... somewhere around your seventh birthday, I lost you. Before that, you were a normal kid. I mean, a kid who liked to dust, but... You know, I read you to bed, I put cartoons on TV when you were bored. I taught you how to ride a bike... the normal stuff. And then you turned seven or eight, and you start to become this. And, uh, it was like I was living with an alien. I mean, I tried to keep up, but, uh, you know, once your mom passed, I... I really... I didn't stand a chance.
Kurt Hummel: You did good, Dad.
Burt Hummel: I am proud of what you and I did together.
Kurt Hummel: I'm proud of us, too.
Burt Hummel: Do you remember when it started? When we turned a corner and started walking towards each other, rather than in opposite directions?
Kurt Hummel: Tell me.
Burt Hummel: Aw, screw that, I'm gonna show you. It was in the basement of our old house. You were wearing a unitard.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, God, Dad, please don't do this--
Burt Hummel: Sit down and accept your present. Hit it!
Beyoncé: # All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# Now put your hands up #
# Up in a club, we just broke up #
# I'm doing my own little thing #
# You decided to dip, and now you wanna trip #
# 'Cause another brother noticed me #
# I'm up on him, he up on me #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Just cried my tears, for three good years #
# You can't be mad at me #
# 'Cause if you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it #
# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it #
# Uh, oh-oh, oh, uh-uh #
# Oh-oh, oh, uh-uh-uh #
# Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh, uh #
# Uh, oh-oh, oh, uh-uh #
# Uh-oh #



Kurt Hummel: It was the best graduation gift ever.
Blaine Anderson: What about those monogrammed towels I got for you?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, you didn't have to get me a gift, silly.
Blaine Anderson: Um... we've been putting this off for far too long, but don't you think we should have the talk?
Kurt Hummel: Can't we just have two final days of denial?
Blaine Anderson: No, no, we cannot. This is happening right now, Kurt. It's not some far-off thing in the future. You're graduating, I'm not. You know how hard long-distance relationships can be. We both saw The Notebook.
Kurt Hummel: Do you want to know how I picture the end of my life? Just like in The Notebook, I'm sitting in a nursing home, talking endlessly about my high school sweetheart-- my first love-- going on and on about every little detail, as if they matter. Only, in my version, he's there with me, telling me to shut up so he can finish watching the American Cinematheque salute to J-Lo.
Blaine Anderson: So... we're going to be all right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, we're gonna be all right. I told you I'm never saying goodbye to you. We'll figure out this whole long-distance relationship thing. I promise.
Blaine Anderson: Okay. So have you decided how you're going to say goodbye to everyone else?



Kurt Hummel: I wanted to dedicate my goodbye song to all of you, but I wanted to mostly thank the men in the room who have truly inspired me and never saw me for the things that made us different. You only saw me for the ways that we're the same. Because, in this room... it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight... what matters is that we're friends.
# Say goodbye to not knowing when #
# The truth in my whole life began #
# Say goodbye #
# To not knowing how to cry #
# You taught me that #
# And I'll remember #
# The love that you gave me #
# Now that I'm standing on my own #
# I'll remember #
# The way that you changed me #
# I'll remember #
# I learned #
# To let go #
# Of the illusion #
# That we can possess #
# I learned #
# To let go #
# I travel in stillness #
# And I'll remember #
# The love that you gave me #
# Now that I'm standing on my own #
# I'll remember #
# The way that you changed me #
# I'll remember #
# No, I've never been afraid to cry #
# And I finally have a reason why #
# I'll remember #
# I'll remember #
# No, I've never been afraid to cry #
# And I finally have a reason why #
# I'll remember #



Rachel Berry: Hey. Oh, thank goodness you guys are here. Okay, so I called Pace and NYADA and they sent out out acceptance letters this week.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, that's so exciting.
Finn Hudson: And, like, totally terrifying.
Rachel Berry: We need to make a pact. When we get our letters, we open them together, in the choir room. These letters, you know, they're, like our future so I want to open mine with my two most important people. Deal?
Finn Hudson: Deal.
Kurt Hummel: Deal. Pinkie swear?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: All right.



Santana Lopez: What is this crap?
Sam Evans: Oh, didn't you hear? Mercedes got a recording contract. She's moving to Hollywood and she's going to be a superstar by Christmas, guaranteed.
Mercedes Jones: He's exaggerating. You remember that video that he posted of me on YouTube, singing "Disco Inferno"?
Sam Evans: Well, this music producer in L.A. saw it and he wants to sign her.
Mercedes Jones: As a backup singer on an indie label. I'm going to be taking extension classes at UCLA.
Santana Lopez: If this was happening to anyone else, I would be extremely jealous. This is really cool. Congratulations.
Mercedes Jones: Thank you. Oh. And I couldn't have done it without you.
Sam Evans: Oh, did you hear about Mike?
Mike Chang: I was all set to go to Alvin Ailey, and then Joffrey in Chicago offered me a scholarship.
Santana Lopez: Oh, Mike, that's amazing. Congratulations.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You must be so excited to ditch that Cheerios uniform and put on the one for University of Louisville.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I... I can't wait. This is embarrassing. I'm a star, so what am I doing heading to Kentucky? I'm just as talented as Mercedes, Boy Chang, Berry or Lady Hummel. Thank God for Mom. She'll know what to do.



Maribel Lopez: When Santana finally said, "Mami, papi, I'm gay," all I could think of was, I should have known. When she was eight, she went trick-or-treating as Uncle Jesse on Full House. Spent two years growing out that hair. "Business in the front..."
Maribel & Santana: "Party in the back."
Brittany S. Pierce: Ew. So, you just really didn't care?
Maribel Lopez: I care that my baby's happy.
Santana Lopez: I wish abuela felt the same.
Maribel Lopez: I know. It sucks, mija. But you don't want a person in your life that doesn't support your dreams.
Santana Lopez: I don't want to go to that cheerleading program at the University of Louisville. I want to go to New York.
Maribel Lopez: Go to college, Santana. Do what I never got the chance to do. New York will still be there after you've earned your college degree. Brittany, I understand you got into Purdue University?
Brittany S. Pierce: Not the university; the poultry farm. Plucker is a steady profession. But I can't go to either 'cause I'm not graduating.
Santana Lopez: What?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. I was kind of glad when I found out that I was flunking because it'll give me a chance to do my senior year all over again. And way better. I'll show up to my classes this time. Plus, I'll get to be a two-term senior class president.
Santana Lopez: Why are you pretending that this is okay? And why didn't you tell me?
Brittany S. Pierce: What did you think was going to happen to me? I have a 0.0 grade point average.
Santana Lopez: Well, maybe if Brittany's staying in Lima, then I should stay, too.



Finn Hudson: And now the seniors of McKinley High School, class of 2012, are going to sing for you. This is your glee club. Take care of it. It'll take care of you. One! Two! One, two, three, yeah!
# Hey! Oh! Hey! #
# Wake up, kids #
# We've got the dreamer's disease #
# Age 14, we got you down on your knees #
# So polite, we're busy still saying please #
Mercedes & Rachel: # But when the night is falling #
# You cannot find the light #
Noah & Finn: # Light #
Mercedes & Rachel: # You feel your dreams are dying #
# Hold tight #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't let go #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # One dance left #
Noah & Finn: # This world is gonna pull through #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't give up #
Noah & Finn: # You've got a reason to live #
Noah Puckerman: # Can't forget #
Noah & Finn: # We only get what we give #
Noah Puckerman: # This whole damn world can fall apart #
# You'll be okay, follow your heart #
# You're in harm's way #
# I'm right behind #
# Now say you're mine #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't let go #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # One dance left #
Noah & Finn: # This world is gonna pull through #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't give up #
Noah & Finn: # You've got a reason to live #
Noah Puckerman: # Can't forget #
Noah & Finn: # We only get what we give #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't let go #
Finn Hudson: # I feel the music in you #
# Don't let go #
# Yeah #
# Health insurance, rip-off, lying #
# FDA, big bankers buying #
# Fake computer crashes, dying #
# Cloning while they're multiplying #
# Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson #
# Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson #
# You're all fakes, run to your mansions #
# Come around, we'll kick you down, yeah #
# Don't let go, you've got the music in you #
# Don't give up #
New Directions: # You've got the music in you #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh... #
New Directions: # You've got the music in you #



Rachel Berry: I don't know. I mean, when you're looking at both of them, it's really hard to not just want to go with the Chiavari.
Finn Hudson: There's $20 difference between each of those chairs. That's, like, hundreds of dollars or something. We can't afford that.
Rachel Berry: Look, I compromised on the food, I compromised on the location, I compromised on the flowers. Does my butt really have to compromise on what it sits on?
Finn Hudson: Maybe what you're really upset about is that you're compromising on your husband.
Rachel Berry: Please, that is the one thing that I don't have any doubts about.
Finn Hudson: Really? 'Cause you've been kind of giving me a weird vibe lately.
Rachel Berry: No. You're just projecting, all right? You're nervous about finding out about school, and you're putting it on me. Besides, when did you become the one that I was settling for? Look, I don't care who gets in where, all right? I'm marrying you, and nothing makes me happier. Even if we have to sit in these ugly fold-out chairs. Okay?
Finn Hudson: Okay.



Finn Hudson: I remember the first day of school this year. I had no idea what I wanted to do, who I was. It wasn't the past I was scared of. I'd call my high school career a total success. I mean, not in terms of grades and stuff, but I won a state title in football, a national championship in Glee Club. I never hurt anyone real bad, and it turns out I never actually accidentally got anyone pregnant. It was the future I was terrified of. But not anymore. I'm getting married to a great girl. I'm moving to New York to chase my dreams with her and my gay stepbrother. And how do I know? InsauditionActors Studio with the main dude himself.



James Lipton: You're Finn Hudson, and you want to be an actor. I was very moved by your letter and application, Finn. You're no doubt aware that you would be an exceptional case, should we accept you.
Finn Hudson: Yes.
James Lipton: Why don't we start with your, uh, dramatic monologue?
Finn Hudson: Okay.



Finn Hudson: Yep, fear is no longer in my vocabulary.
Will Schuester: Hey. Just finishing up.
Finn Hudson: Lay it on me. "Dear Finn, great knowing you. Will Schuester." Are you kidding me? I'm, like, the best man at your wedding.
Will Schuester: It's not that bad. And you can't dictate what I write in your yearbook.
Finn Hudson: Yes, I can. I want a little emotion in there. Some "son I never had" or "little brother" garbage or something.
Will Schuester: Look, I-I wanted to. I... I started ten times, and I couldn't get two words out without falling apart.
Finn Hudson: Well, I don't need a bunch of "blah, blah" in a book to remember you anyway.
Will Schuester: Finn, wait. I-I need to tell you something. Something I would rather not have written down anywhere. Please, have a seat. Um, when I first took over the glee club, we needed a male lead. I heard you singing in the shower in the locker room.



Finn Hudson: # I'm getting closer #
# Than I ever thought I might... #



Will Schuester: REO Speedwagon.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Yeah, you were really good. So I planted the pot in your locker and blackmailed you into joining the glee club. It was wrong. Although I can't argue with the results, I've always hated myself for doing it. I'm very sorry, Finn. But I-I wanted you to know the truth before you left, so...
Finn Hudson: You are so much cooler than I ever thought you were.
Will Schuester: Get out of here.
Finn Hudson: I'm going to go.



Carole Hudson-Hummel: Your graduation gown with the extra long sleeves just arrived. You know, you can have that thing if you want. It's probably the only thing that'll fit in your tiny little New York apartment, but it's yours to have.
Finn Hudson: I can't help thinking I let him down, you know? I feel like I-I could have spent more time writing that letter to the Army, or I could have wrote 50 letters to the Army, or I could have started one of those letter-writing campaigns, like... like they had for Friday Night Lights or something.
Carole Hudson-Hummel: You did everything you could do. Your dad made his choices, and the Army has rules, and there's nothing you could have done about either one of those things.
Finn Hudson: I can't help feeling like something's not right. I did a lot of reseah, trying to get that honorable discharge status, and-and he did a lot of really great things in Kuwait, you know? He pulled two soldiers out of a burning truck. He saved their lives. They have kids now my age. He's a hero. And how is becoming an actor... how is that redemption for a man who did all that? Everything seems like it's fallen into place. Everything but him.



Will Schuester: Okay, seniors, the underclassmen have something they'd like to say to you. Come on.
Artie Abrams: With all the dedications being thrown around McKinley this week, there was one that we wanted to make sure didn't get missed. Finn. Right now, you're something I never thought possible when I first rolled down these halls. You're my friend-- our friend. Even before Glee Club was kind of cool, you had our backs. You were on the football team. You were one of the most popular kids in school. You had a lot to lose, and people forget the sacrifices you made. We wanted to thank you.
Joseph & Sam: # There are #
Sam, Joseph & Tina: # Places I remember #
Sam & Artie: # All my life, though some have changed #
Joseph & Sam: # Some for #
Sam, Joseph & Tina: # Ever, not for better #
Blaine & Rory: # Some have gone #
Blaine, Rory & Artie: # And some remain #
Joseph & Sam: # All these #
Sam, Joseph & Tina: # Places have their moments #
Blaine & Rory: # With lovers and friends I still can recall #
Blaine, Rory & Artie: # Some are #
Blaine, Artie, Rory & Tina: # Dead and some are living #
Sam & Artie: # In my life I loved them all #
Blaine Anderson: # But of #
Blaine & Tina: # All these friends and lovers #
Artie, Sam & Joseph: # There is no one compares with you #
Artie & Joseph: # And these #
Artie, Joseph & Tina: # Memories lose their meaning #
Blaine & Artie: # When I think of love as something new #
Rory Flanagan: # Though I #
Rory & Tina: # Know I'll never lose affection #
Blaine Anderson: # For people and things that went before #
Rory & Tina: # I know I'll often stop and think about them #
Sam Evans: # In my life I love you more #
Artie, Blaine, Sam, Rory, Joseph & Tina: # In my life I love you more #
Rachel Berry: Yay!



Quinn Fabray: Who would have thought I'd end my McKinley days where I started... back on top? I got into the school of my dreams and we won nationals. Plus I'm feeling stronger every day. Everyone else is so emotional. But I don't feel that way. I guess I've cried enough tears for three graduations. Or maybe it's just hard to feel weepy when I look at my friends. They've grown into such incredible people. Nothing's gonna stop any of them. Well, maybe one of them.
Shannon Beiste: Countries of Central America.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Costa Rica, Honduras... Crap, I'm blanking.
Shannon Beiste: Come on! This ain't beach towel night at Three Rivers.
Quinn Fabray: This school has given us all so many gifts, me especially. And I want my last week here to be about giving back a little of what I got.



Quinn Fabray: This freshman just gave me a hug and told me to never change. Poor thing is too young to realize that change can be so good. Think... if we hadn't changed, we would have never been friends.
Rachel Berry: Still so weird having you call me a friend.
Quinn Fabray: There.
Rachel Berry: What's this?
Quinn Fabray: A Metro North pass from New York to New Haven. I got one for me into New York. Everybody keeps talking about staying in touch, and I want to make sure that we do.
Rachel Berry: Thank you. Thank you. It's so sweet.
Quinn Fabray: Although I'm still not 100% sure that I'm for teen weddings, I'm really happy that you and Finn are together. You guys were meant to be.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. Thank you. You know, it's weird 'cause that's how I always felt about you and Puck.
Quinn Fabray: Ancient history.
Rachel Berry: But you know what I mean. When you two were together, he was really at his best.



Quinn Fabray: Indian Ocean, show me.
Noah Puckerman: It's no use. My brain is like a Roach Motel, once the info checks in, it never checks out. I'm out of here. Don't worry. You still get your Brownie patch for trying to help a loser learn something.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not here for a patch. I'm here because I love you. You're my first.
Noah Puckerman: I kind of screwed up that experience, huh?
Quinn Fabray: No regrets.
Noah Puckerman: Cool. 'Cause I always felt kind of bad about it. Feel bad about a lot of things, but I was an ass for most of high school.
Quinn Fabray: I really care about you, Puck. You know what? I know that after Beth was born, we weren't really close. But when two people go though what we've been through, you're bonded for life.
Noah Puckerman: If you ever need me, you know where to find me... right here in Lima... repeating my senior year forever.
Quinn Fabray: I would have never given my virginity to this guy. The Puck I fell in love with had swagger. And you know what questions Miss Duesenberry's gonna ask you, so you just need to get your confidence back so you can get all that stuff out of the Roach Motel.
Noah Puckerman: And how am I supposed to do that?
Quinn Fabray: Like this.
Noah Puckerman: No, no, wait. I'm not worth it. Save it for some Yale guy who deserves your help.
Quinn Fabray: There's nobody that deserves it more. You just have to remember the guy you were when we first met. You're the guy who caught the winning touchdown the only game the football team won sophomore year. You're the guy that ate that shaker of pepper on a dare.
Noah Puckerman: Didn't even puke.
Quinn Fabray: Will you let me kiss you?
Noah Puckerman: I guess I'd be kind of rude if I refused.
Quinn Fabray: You know, Puckerman... you got this.



Noah Puckerman: Funny thing about a kiss. If it comes at the right time from the right girl, it can be like magic. It can bring you back to life like CPR, but with tongues. It can take away the doubt and the fear. It can change you, even if it's just back into what you always were: an all-original, grade-A, badass. Get ready test. I'm about to make Puckerman your daddy.



Sue Sylvester: Well, you stink of chlorine, Roz Washington, which means one of two things: either you just returned from the peroxide factory where you spent the afternoon having your hair helmet revarnished, or you've given up trying to steal my Cheerios! and you're back in the pool where you belong.
Roz Washington: I got to hand it to you, Sue. National championships for both the Glee Club and the Cheerios! That's quite an accomplishment for a pregnant woman who's ass is so old she went to high school with Moses.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Roz, if you came here to find out once and for all who the celebrity father of my unborn child is, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait for the graphic birth photos that grace the cover of the People magazine exclusive that hits newsstands in September.
Roz Washington: You and I are never gonna like each other, Sue Sylvester, but you and I, we got something in common. We both hate the fact that this school has an idiot for a principal. That's why I propose we join forces and take him down. Well, you think that over, Sue Sylvester, while you nurse your thousand-year-old vampire baby. You just be sure to bottle-feed it because that baby's gonna use those sharp-ass teeth to bite holes in those saggy old boobs.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, Coach. It's my Cheerios! uniform, dry-cleaned and pressed. You were kind enough to let me wear it again, and I figured it was only right to return it in case you wanted to pass it on. Maybe some underclassman who's about to be the new team captain.
Sue Sylvester: You keep it. I'm retiring this uniform. Sit. You know, when I first laid eyes on you, Q, I thought you reminded me of a young Sue Sylvester, but looking at this amazing woman sitting across from me right now, I realize I was wrong. You're nothing like me. You're better. Sure, I'm as smart as you are and every bit as pretty, but somehow you're slightly less evil. And I admire that. I admire you, Quinn Fabray. I admire your perseverance. You're gonna go so far, kiddo. And I'm gonna have the best time watching you do it. And I'm gonna get to say, "Hey, I remember her from way back when." Way back when she was getting Ryan Seacrest tattoos and lying about who the father of her unborn child was.
Quinn Fabray: I'm gonna miss you!
Sue Sylvester: I don't see how that's possible, but thank you.



Quinn Fabray: What's going on?
Noah Puckerman: Waiting for Mrs. Duesenberry to finish grading my test.If I don't pass, it's open season on all faculty tires!
Finn Hudson: What's it say?
Noah Puckerman: C-! It's a Puckerman A+! I'm graduating!
Quinn Fabray: I'm so proud of you.



Noah Puckerman: # Yeah, come on #
# Whoo! #
# I had a friend, was a big baseball player #
Principal Figgins: Michael Chang, Jr.
Noah Puckerman: # Back in high school #
# He could throw that speedball by you #
# Make you look like a fool, boy #
Principal Figgins: Quinn Fabray.
Finn Hudson: # Saw him the other night at this roadside bar #
# I was walking in, he was walking out #
# We went back inside, sat down, had a few drinks #
# But all he kept talking about #
Noah & Finn: # Glory days, well, they'll pass you by #
# Glory days #
Principal Figgins: Mercedes Jones.
Noah & Finn: # In the wink of a young girl's eye #
# Glory days, glory days #
Finn Hudson: # Yeah, all right, boys, watch me working now #
Noah Puckerman: # Working now #
Principal Figgins: Noah Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Thank you.
# Whoo! #
Principal Figgins: Santana Lopez.
Noah Puckerman: # Think I'm going down to the well tonight #
# Going to drink my fill #
# And I hope when I get old I don't sit around #
# Thinking about it, but I probably will #
Santana Lopez: Thanks.
Principal Figgins: Kurt Hummel.
Finn Hudson: # Just sitting back trying to recapture #
# A little of the glory of... #
# Well, time slips away #
# And leaves you with nothing, mister #
# But boring stories of... #
Noah & Finn: # Glory days #
Burt Hummel: Whoo!
Noah & Finn: # Glory days #
Principal Figgins: Finn Hudson.
Noah & Finn: # In a young girl's eyes, glory days #
# Glory days #
# Well, they'll pass you by, glory days #
Principal Figgins: Rachel Berry.
Noah & Finn: # In a young girl's eyes, glory days, glory days #
Finn Hudson: # What about this? #
# Well, all right! #
Noah Puckerman: # All right #
Finn Hudson: # Come on now #
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, yeah #
Finn Hudson: # Well, all right #
Noah Puckerman: # All right #
Finn Hudson: # Come on now #
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, yeah #
Finn Hudson: # Whoo-ooh #
Noah Puckerman: # Uh-huh #
Principal Figgins: Ladies and gentlemen, I present you William McKinley High's class of 2012!
Noah & Finn: # Glory days. #



Kurt Hummel: I'm seriously having trouble breathing right now.
Rachel Berry: Are you guys ready?
Finn Hudson: I kind of want to wait.
Kurt Hummel: For how long?
Finn Hudson: Forever. Just a couple more seconds, but this is the last moment before we know. After we open those envelopes, it's-it's gonna change our entire lives no matter what's in it either way. I just kind of want another minute with you guys here like this.
Kurt Hummel: So, who's first?
Finn Hudson: I'll go first. I got a good feeling about it.
Rachel Berry: Look, no matter what happens, we're all here for each other.
Finn Hudson: I didn't get it.
Rachel Berry: It's okay.
Finn Hudson: Please, somebody else just open theirs. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: I'll go next. I didn't get in. I didn't get in.
Rachel Berry: Kurt, I'm so sorry.
Finn Hudson: Your turn, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I got in.



Rachel Berry: If on my first day at this school, you had asked me what I would've wished my life would look like on my last day, this would've been it. Prom queen, marrying the quarterback, show choir national champion, on my way to Broadway to study. Broadway. All my dreams have come true. But then, why am I so sad? I guess because, in real life, dreams are more complicated than they are in our imaginations. I can't bring Finn to New York. He'll be reminded of his rejections every day. And being there without Kurt would be like remaking Beaches without the Bette Midler character. So I've decided. I'm deferring my acceptance to NYADA for a year and working with the two of them on their applications and auditions to guarantee we'll all go there together next year. I'm actually thankful for this whole mess. I used to think Broadway was my one and only love. I'm so glad something has made me come to my senses.



Maribel Lopez: Come on. You're gonna be late your own graduation celeblation.
Santana Lopez: It's dinner with you and Dad.
Maribel Lopez: It's gonna piñata. You don't wanna keep any of this?
Santana Lopez: Nope. I don't wanna be one of those people who thinks that you have them keep you care about, you don't have to acutually see them.
Maribel Lopez: Your graduation present. I was gonna put in a piñata, but your dad thought this more
Santana Lopez: Okay. Hold up. Have you had this money the whole time? Why aren't you driving a Lexus?
Maribel Lopez: I'm not driving a Lexus because for past 18 years I've have been saving all the extra change, tax and Chistmas bonuses so I can help you pay for your college.
Santana Lopez: But I got a scholarship.
Maribel Lopez: If you could've told me that 18 years ago, I would've bought more shoes.
Santana Lopez: You know what? Keep it then. Go on a trip with dad or something. I don't need it. I told you. I don't wanna go to college.
Maribel Lopez: Then use it go to New York. I trust you. I trust your dreams and your talent. And I pity anyone who tries to get in your way.
Santana Lopez: Are you serious?
Maribel Lopez: I would love for you to go to college, but it's not my choice. This is your first moment of adulthood, mi amor. From now on, it's up to you.



Rachel Berry: Hi.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Okay, so you have my dress and my shoes, and I have my makeup and my epic love for you. Let's get married.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Rachel Berry: My dads are still being kind of weird about the wedding. I brought it up last night and they were really quiet, but it's fine. Are you sure that we're going the right way?
Finn Hudson: We're here.
Rachel Berry: Are you joking? 'Cause it's not funny. We're gonna be late.
Finn Hudson: You're on the 4:25 to New York. Your dads are gonna meet you there and they're gonna, they're gonna help you look at dorms at the new school. You're gonna spend four years of your life there and you've never even set foot in the place, so...
Rachel Berry: But I... I have all year to go and look at it.
Finn Hudson: You're gonna go there in the fall. All right? You're not deferring. We're not getting married.
Rachel Berry: You don't want to marry me?
Finn Hudson: I want to marry you so badly I can't go through with it. Yeah, but the thought of you being stuck here for another year because of me, it makes me sick.
Rachel Berry: Then come with me. Okay? We can get married in New York and live in a little shoebox apartment together. It'll be romantic.
Finn Hudson: Do you love me?
Rachel Berry: Of course I do.
Finn Hudson: Then tell me the truth and not just something you think I want to hear. Are you 100% sure you want to marry me?
Rachel Berry: N-No-no one is 100% sure of anything.
Finn Hudson: I am. I am that sure you're something special. That this is just the beginning for you. Okay? Th-That you're gonna do amazing things. But to get there, you got to have these experiences on your own...
Rachel Berry: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Finn Hudson: Listen to me. You got to have these experiences on your own.
Rachel Berry: Wait a minute.
Finn Hudson: I can't have to be there with you.
Rachel Berry: Wait a minute. Are you breaking up with me?
Finn Hudson: I'm setting you free.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God.
Finn Hudson: Look, d-do you know how hard this is for me? How many times I've cried about this?
Rachel Berry: No, I'm not going. I'm not going, not without you.
Finn Hudson: You don't have a choice; I can't come with you.
Rachel Berry: Well, then I'll stay here! I'll go wherever it is that you're going!
Finn Hudson: Fort Benning, Georgia? Look, I-I need a chance to try and redeem my father, okay? I-I...
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, wait a minute. You're joining the Army? Are you insane? I can't believe that this is happening right now.
Finn Hudson: It's also one of the places I knew you couldn't follow me. Look, you're-you're gonna get on that train. Okay? And you're gonna go to New York, and you're gonna be a star. Without me. That's how much I love you. You know what we're gonna do? Surrender. I know how hard that is for you because of how hard you hold on to stuff. But-but we're just gonna, we're gonna sit here and we're just gonna let go. Okay, and-and let the universe do it's thing. And if we're meant to be together, then we're gonna be together. W-Whether it's in a little shoebox apartment in New York or on the other side of the world. Okay? Will you do that with me? Will you surrender?
Rachel Berry: I love you so much.
Finn Hudson: I love you.
Rachel Berry: # Hey, hey, hey #
# So many things to do and say #
# But I can't seem to find the way #
# But I want to know how #
# I know I'm meant for something else #
# But first, I got to find myself #
# But I don't know how #
# Oh, why do I reach for the stars #
# When I don't have wings #
# To carry me that far? #
Finn & Rachel: # I got to have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I want to be #
# And faith to take chances #
# To live like I see #
# A place in this world for me #
# Oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Sometimes I don't want to feel #
# And forget the pain is real #
# Put my head in the clouds #
# Oh, start to run and then I fall #
# Thinking I can't get it all #
# Without my feet on the ground #
# There's always a seed before there's a rose #
# The more that it rains, the more I will grow #
# Got to have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I want to be #
# And faith to take chances #
# To live like I see #
# A place in this world for me #
# Oh, oh #
# Whatever comes, I know how to take it #
# Learn to be strong, I won't have to fake it #
# Oh, you're understanding #
# Oh, the wind can come and do its best #
# Roaming north and south, east and west #
# But I'll still be standing #
# I'm standing #
# If I have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I'm gonna be #
# And faith, oh, to take chances #
# To live like I see #
# A place in this world #
# Got to have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I want to be #
# And faith to take chances #
# And live like I see #
# A place in this world #
# For me #
# I got to have roots before branches, oh, yeah #


New Directions: # ...thank the Lord #
Artie Abrams: # And I said to myself, sit down #
New Directions: # Said to myself, sit down #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
New Directions: # Sit down #
Artie Abrams: # I said to myself, sit down #
New Directions: # Said to myself, sit down #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# And the Devil will drag you under #
# By the scarf in back of your checkered coat #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
New Directions: # Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down, sit down #
# You're rockin' the boat #
Kurt Hummel: # Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down #
Kurt & Tina: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down #
New Directions: # You're rocking the boat! #
Santana Lopez: That was the most ghetto number I have ever seen.
Artie Abrams: Then just call me George Jefferson, because we went from the ghetto to the penthouse. National champs, baby! Yay.
Will Schuester: This week's assignment is easy. Graduation is just a few days away. There's nothing left to prepare for. Our work here is done, so there's only one thing left to do: Say goodbye. Underclassmen, pick some songs to say goodbye to the seniors; seniors, pick a song to say goodbye to us.
Mercedes Jones: A part of me wants to lock these doors and stay in here with everyone forever.
Brittany S. Pierce: We can use the wastebasket for the toilet, and then we could eat Joe for the food, since she's been here the shortest, so we know her the least.
Quinn Fabray: I really hope you're about to rap.
Will Schuester: No such luck. I'm leading by example here. This one... is for you guys.
# Ooh... #
# May the good Lord be with you #
# Down every road you roam #
# And may sunshine and happiness surround you #
# When you're far from home #
# Be courageous and be brave #
# And in my heart, you'll always stay #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #
# May good fortune be with you #
# May your guiding light be strong #
# Build a stairway to heaven with a prince or a vagabond #
# And may you never love in vain #
# And in my heart, you'll always remain #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #
# Forever young #



Kurt Hummel: When I first got to McKinley, I was afraid to make eye contact. I didn't talk about my politics, I didn't share what was in my heart I... oh, let's just call the Cadillac pink and be done with it. I was in the closet. And most days, I was also in the Dumpster. But McKinley has made me a stronger, more socially conscious, fashion-forward person. And perhaps I played some small part in making it possible for tadpole gays all over Lima to be themselves in public. Not a bad legacy for someone who once pretended to be in lust with Rachel Berry so I wouldn't have to date Mercedes Jones. Now if I can just get through the next few days without turning into a hot mess teary train wreck.



Kurt Hummel: Ted... why on earth did you want to meet me in here? Oh, my God-- my NYDADA letter came, didn't it?
Burt Hummel: Not yet. Sit down. I want to give you your graduation present.
Kurt Hummel: Is Elaine Stritch here?
Burt Hummel: I don't know who that is. See, this is the problem with getting you gifts-- I can't make heads or tails about what it is your like.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, I'm easy. Just get me something from Tom Ford's Vanities in Vanity Fair.
Burt Hummel: Good to know. So... somewhere around your seventh birthday, I lost you. Before that, you were a normal kid. I mean, a kid who liked to dust, but... You know, I read you to bed, I put cartoons on TV when you were bored. I taught you how to ride a bike... the normal stuff. And then you turned seven or eight, and you start to become this. And, uh, it was like I was living with an alien. I mean, I tried to keep up, but, uh, you know, once your mom passed, I... I really... I didn't stand a chance.
Kurt Hummel: You did good, Dad.
Burt Hummel: I am proud of what you and I did together.
Kurt Hummel: I'm proud of us, too.
Burt Hummel: Do you remember when it started? When we turned a corner and started walking towards each other, rather than in opposite directions?
Kurt Hummel: Tell me.
Burt Hummel: Aw, screw that, I'm gonna show you. It was in the basement of our old house. You were wearing a unitard.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, God, Dad, please don't do this--
Burt Hummel: Sit down and accept your present. Hit it!
Beyoncé: # All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# Now put your hands up #
# Up in a club, we just broke up #
# I'm doing my own little thing #
# You decided to dip, and now you wanna trip #
# 'Cause another brother noticed me #
# I'm up on him, he up on me #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Just cried my tears, for three good years #
# You can't be mad at me #
# 'Cause if you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it #
# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it #
# Uh, oh-oh, oh, uh-uh #
# Oh-oh, oh, uh-uh-uh #
# Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh, uh #
# Uh, oh-oh, oh, uh-uh #
# Uh-oh #



Kurt Hummel: It was the best graduation gift ever.
Blaine Anderson: What about those monogrammed towels I got for you?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, you didn't have to get me a gift, silly.
Blaine Anderson: Um... we've been putting this off for far too long, but don't you think we should have the talk?
Kurt Hummel: Can't we just have two final days of denial?
Blaine Anderson: No, no, we cannot. This is happening right now, Kurt. It's not some far-off thing in the future. You're graduating, I'm not. You know how hard long-distance relationships can be. We both saw The Notebook.
Kurt Hummel: Do you want to know how I picture the end of my life? Just like in The Notebook, I'm sitting in a nursing home, talking endlessly about my high school sweetheart-- my first love-- going on and on about every little detail, as if they matter. Only, in my version, he's there with me, telling me to shut up so he can finish watching the American Cinematheque salute to J-Lo.
Blaine Anderson: So... we're going to be all right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, we're gonna be all right. I told you I'm never saying goodbye to you. We'll figure out this whole long-distance relationship thing. I promise.
Blaine Anderson: Okay. So have you decided how you're going to say goodbye to everyone else?



Kurt Hummel: I wanted to dedicate my goodbye song to all of you, but I wanted to mostly thank the men in the room who have truly inspired me and never saw me for the things that made us different. You only saw me for the ways that we're the same. Because, in this room... it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight... what matters is that we're friends.
# Say goodbye to not knowing when #
# The truth in my whole life began #
# Say goodbye #
# To not knowing how to cry #
# You taught me that #
# And I'll remember #
# The love that you gave me #
# Now that I'm standing on my own #
# I'll remember #
# The way that you changed me #
# I'll remember #
# I learned #
# To let go #
# Of the illusion #
# That we can possess #
# I learned #
# To let go #
# I travel in stillness #
# And I'll remember #
# The love that you gave me #
# Now that I'm standing on my own #
# I'll remember #
# The way that you changed me #
# I'll remember #
# No, I've never been afraid to cry #
# And I finally have a reason why #
# I'll remember #
# I'll remember #
# No, I've never been afraid to cry #
# And I finally have a reason why #
# I'll remember #



Rachel Berry: Hey. Oh, thank goodness you guys are here. Okay, so I called Pace and NYADA and they sent out out acceptance letters this week.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, that's so exciting.
Finn Hudson: And, like, totally terrifying.
Rachel Berry: We need to make a pact. When we get our letters, we open them together, in the choir room. These letters, you know, they're, like our future so I want to open mine with my two most important people. Deal?
Finn Hudson: Deal.
Kurt Hummel: Deal. Pinkie swear?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: All right.



Santana Lopez: What is this crap?
Sam Evans: Oh, didn't you hear? Mercedes got a recording contract. She's moving to Hollywood and she's going to be a superstar by Christmas, guaranteed.
Mercedes Jones: He's exaggerating. You remember that video that he posted of me on YouTube, singing "Disco Inferno"?
Sam Evans: Well, this music producer in L.A. saw it and he wants to sign her.
Mercedes Jones: As a backup singer on an indie label. I'm going to be taking extension classes at UCLA.
Santana Lopez: If this was happening to anyone else, I would be extremely jealous. This is really cool. Congratulations.
Mercedes Jones: Thank you. Oh. And I couldn't have done it without you.
Sam Evans: Oh, did you hear about Mike?
Mike Chang: I was all set to go to Alvin Ailey, and then Joffrey in Chicago offered me a scholarship.
Santana Lopez: Oh, Mike, that's amazing. Congratulations.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You must be so excited to ditch that Cheerios uniform and put on the one for University of Louisville.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I... I can't wait. This is embarrassing. I'm a star, so what am I doing heading to Kentucky? I'm just as talented as Mercedes, Boy Chang, Berry or Lady Hummel. Thank God for Mom. She'll know what to do.



Maribel Lopez: When Santana finally said, "Mami, papi, I'm gay," all I could think of was, I should have known. When she was eight, she went trick-or-treating as Uncle Jesse on Full House. Spent two years growing out that hair. "Business in the front..."
Maribel & Santana: "Party in the back."
Brittany S. Pierce: Ew. So, you just really didn't care?
Maribel Lopez: I care that my baby's happy.
Santana Lopez: I wish abuela felt the same.
Maribel Lopez: I know. It sucks, mija. But you don't want a person in your life that doesn't support your dreams.
Santana Lopez: I don't want to go to that cheerleading program at the University of Louisville. I want to go to New York.
Maribel Lopez: Go to college, Santana. Do what I never got the chance to do. New York will still be there after you've earned your college degree. Brittany, I understand you got into Purdue University?
Brittany S. Pierce: Not the university; the poultry farm. Plucker is a steady profession. But I can't go to either 'cause I'm not graduating.
Santana Lopez: What?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. I was kind of glad when I found out that I was flunking because it'll give me a chance to do my senior year all over again. And way better. I'll show up to my classes this time. Plus, I'll get to be a two-term senior class president.
Santana Lopez: Why are you pretending that this is okay? And why didn't you tell me?
Brittany S. Pierce: What did you think was going to happen to me? I have a 0.0 grade point average.
Santana Lopez: Well, maybe if Brittany's staying in Lima, then I should stay, too.



Finn Hudson: And now the seniors of McKinley High School, class of 2012, are going to sing for you. This is your glee club. Take care of it. It'll take care of you. One! Two! One, two, three, yeah!
# Hey! Oh! Hey! #
# Wake up, kids #
# We've got the dreamer's disease #
# Age 14, we got you down on your knees #
# So polite, we're busy still saying please #
Mercedes & Rachel: # But when the night is falling #
# You cannot find the light #
Noah & Finn: # Light #
Mercedes & Rachel: # You feel your dreams are dying #
# Hold tight #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't let go #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # One dance left #
Noah & Finn: # This world is gonna pull through #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't give up #
Noah & Finn: # You've got a reason to live #
Noah Puckerman: # Can't forget #
Noah & Finn: # We only get what we give #
Noah Puckerman: # This whole damn world can fall apart #
# You'll be okay, follow your heart #
# You're in harm's way #
# I'm right behind #
# Now say you're mine #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't let go #
Noah & Finn: # You've got the music in you #
Noah Puckerman: # One dance left #
Noah & Finn: # This world is gonna pull through #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't give up #
Noah & Finn: # You've got a reason to live #
Noah Puckerman: # Can't forget #
Noah & Finn: # We only get what we give #
Noah Puckerman: # Don't let go #
Finn Hudson: # I feel the music in you #
# Don't let go #
# Yeah #
# Health insurance, rip-off, lying #
# FDA, big bankers buying #
# Fake computer crashes, dying #
# Cloning while they're multiplying #
# Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson #
# Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson #
# You're all fakes, run to your mansions #
# Come around, we'll kick you down, yeah #
# Don't let go, you've got the music in you #
# Don't give up #
New Directions: # You've got the music in you #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh... #
New Directions: # You've got the music in you #



Rachel Berry: I don't know. I mean, when you're looking at both of them, it's really hard to not just want to go with the Chiavari.
Finn Hudson: There's $20 difference between each of those chairs. That's, like, hundreds of dollars or something. We can't afford that.
Rachel Berry: Look, I compromised on the food, I compromised on the location, I compromised on the flowers. Does my butt really have to compromise on what it sits on?
Finn Hudson: Maybe what you're really upset about is that you're compromising on your husband.
Rachel Berry: Please, that is the one thing that I don't have any doubts about.
Finn Hudson: Really? 'Cause you've been kind of giving me a weird vibe lately.
Rachel Berry: No. You're just projecting, all right? You're nervous about finding out about school, and you're putting it on me. Besides, when did you become the one that I was settling for? Look, I don't care who gets in where, all right? I'm marrying you, and nothing makes me happier. Even if we have to sit in these ugly fold-out chairs. Okay?
Finn Hudson: Okay.



Finn Hudson: I remember the first day of school this year. I had no idea what I wanted to do, who I was. It wasn't the past I was scared of. I'd call my high school career a total success. I mean, not in terms of grades and stuff, but I won a state title in football, a national championship in Glee Club. I never hurt anyone real bad, and it turns out I never actually accidentally got anyone pregnant. It was the future I was terrified of. But not anymore. I'm getting married to a great girl. I'm moving to New York to chase my dreams with her and my gay stepbrother. And how do I know? InsauditionActors Studio with the main dude himself.



James Lipton: You're Finn Hudson, and you want to be an actor. I was very moved by your letter and application, Finn. You're no doubt aware that you would be an exceptional case, should we accept you.
Finn Hudson: Yes.
James Lipton: Why don't we start with your, uh, dramatic monologue?
Finn Hudson: Okay.



Finn Hudson: Yep, fear is no longer in my vocabulary.
Will Schuester: Hey. Just finishing up.
Finn Hudson: Lay it on me. "Dear Finn, great knowing you. Will Schuester." Are you kidding me? I'm, like, the best man at your wedding.
Will Schuester: It's not that bad. And you can't dictate what I write in your yearbook.
Finn Hudson: Yes, I can. I want a little emotion in there. Some "son I never had" or "little brother" garbage or something.
Will Schuester: Look, I-I wanted to. I... I started ten times, and I couldn't get two words out without falling apart.
Finn Hudson: Well, I don't need a bunch of "blah, blah" in a book to remember you anyway.
Will Schuester: Finn, wait. I-I need to tell you something. Something I would rather not have written down anywhere. Please, have a seat. Um, when I first took over the glee club, we needed a male lead. I heard you singing in the shower in the locker room.



Finn Hudson: # I'm getting closer #
# Than I ever thought I might... #



Will Schuester: REO Speedwagon.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Yeah, you were really good. So I planted the pot in your locker and blackmailed you into joining the glee club. It was wrong. Although I can't argue with the results, I've always hated myself for doing it. I'm very sorry, Finn. But I-I wanted you to know the truth before you left, so...
Finn Hudson: You are so much cooler than I ever thought you were.
Will Schuester: Get out of here.
Finn Hudson: I'm going to go.



Carole Hudson-Hummel: Your graduation gown with the extra long sleeves just arrived. You know, you can have that thing if you want. It's probably the only thing that'll fit in your tiny little New York apartment, but it's yours to have.
Finn Hudson: I can't help thinking I let him down, you know? I feel like I-I could have spent more time writing that letter to the Army, or I could have wrote 50 letters to the Army, or I could have started one of those letter-writing campaigns, like... like they had for Friday Night Lights or something.
Carole Hudson-Hummel: You did everything you could do. Your dad made his choices, and the Army has rules, and there's nothing you could have done about either one of those things.
Finn Hudson: I can't help feeling like something's not right. I did a lot of reseah, trying to get that honorable discharge status, and-and he did a lot of really great things in Kuwait, you know? He pulled two soldiers out of a burning truck. He saved their lives. They have kids now my age. He's a hero. And how is becoming an actor... how is that redemption for a man who did all that? Everything seems like it's fallen into place. Everything but him.



Will Schuester: Okay, seniors, the underclassmen have something they'd like to say to you. Come on.
Artie Abrams: With all the dedications being thrown around McKinley this week, there was one that we wanted to make sure didn't get missed. Finn. Right now, you're something I never thought possible when I first rolled down these halls. You're my friend-- our friend. Even before Glee Club was kind of cool, you had our backs. You were on the football team. You were one of the most popular kids in school. You had a lot to lose, and people forget the sacrifices you made. We wanted to thank you.
Joseph & Sam: # There are #
Sam, Joseph & Tina: # Places I remember #
Sam & Artie: # All my life, though some have changed #
Joseph & Sam: # Some for #
Sam, Joseph & Tina: # Ever, not for better #
Blaine & Rory: # Some have gone #
Blaine, Rory & Artie: # And some remain #
Joseph & Sam: # All these #
Sam, Joseph & Tina: # Places have their moments #
Blaine & Rory: # With lovers and friends I still can recall #
Blaine, Rory & Artie: # Some are #
Blaine, Artie, Rory & Tina: # Dead and some are living #
Sam & Artie: # In my life I loved them all #
Blaine Anderson: # But of #
Blaine & Tina: # All these friends and lovers #
Artie, Sam & Joseph: # There is no one compares with you #
Artie & Joseph: # And these #
Artie, Joseph & Tina: # Memories lose their meaning #
Blaine & Artie: # When I think of love as something new #
Rory Flanagan: # Though I #
Rory & Tina: # Know I'll never lose affection #
Blaine Anderson: # For people and things that went before #
Rory & Tina: # I know I'll often stop and think about them #
Sam Evans: # In my life I love you more #
Artie, Blaine, Sam, Rory, Joseph & Tina: # In my life I love you more #
Rachel Berry: Yay!



Quinn Fabray: Who would have thought I'd end my McKinley days where I started... back on top? I got into the school of my dreams and we won nationals. Plus I'm feeling stronger every day. Everyone else is so emotional. But I don't feel that way. I guess I've cried enough tears for three graduations. Or maybe it's just hard to feel weepy when I look at my friends. They've grown into such incredible people. Nothing's gonna stop any of them. Well, maybe one of them.
Shannon Beiste: Countries of Central America.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Costa Rica, Honduras... Crap, I'm blanking.
Shannon Beiste: Come on! This ain't beach towel night at Three Rivers.
Quinn Fabray: This school has given us all so many gifts, me especially. And I want my last week here to be about giving back a little of what I got.



Quinn Fabray: This freshman just gave me a hug and told me to never change. Poor thing is too young to realize that change can be so good. Think... if we hadn't changed, we would have never been friends.
Rachel Berry: Still so weird having you call me a friend.
Quinn Fabray: There.
Rachel Berry: What's this?
Quinn Fabray: A Metro North pass from New York to New Haven. I got one for me into New York. Everybody keeps talking about staying in touch, and I want to make sure that we do.
Rachel Berry: Thank you. Thank you. It's so sweet.
Quinn Fabray: Although I'm still not 100% sure that I'm for teen weddings, I'm really happy that you and Finn are together. You guys were meant to be.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. Thank you. You know, it's weird 'cause that's how I always felt about you and Puck.
Quinn Fabray: Ancient history.
Rachel Berry: But you know what I mean. When you two were together, he was really at his best.



Quinn Fabray: Indian Ocean, show me.
Noah Puckerman: It's no use. My brain is like a Roach Motel, once the info checks in, it never checks out. I'm out of here. Don't worry. You still get your Brownie patch for trying to help a loser learn something.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not here for a patch. I'm here because I love you. You're my first.
Noah Puckerman: I kind of screwed up that experience, huh?
Quinn Fabray: No regrets.
Noah Puckerman: Cool. 'Cause I always felt kind of bad about it. Feel bad about a lot of things, but I was an ass for most of high school.
Quinn Fabray: I really care about you, Puck. You know what? I know that after Beth was born, we weren't really close. But when two people go though what we've been through, you're bonded for life.
Noah Puckerman: If you ever need me, you know where to find me... right here in Lima... repeating my senior year forever.
Quinn Fabray: I would have never given my virginity to this guy. The Puck I fell in love with had swagger. And you know what questions Miss Duesenberry's gonna ask you, so you just need to get your confidence back so you can get all that stuff out of the Roach Motel.
Noah Puckerman: And how am I supposed to do that?
Quinn Fabray: Like this.
Noah Puckerman: No, no, wait. I'm not worth it. Save it for some Yale guy who deserves your help.
Quinn Fabray: There's nobody that deserves it more. You just have to remember the guy you were when we first met. You're the guy who caught the winning touchdown the only game the football team won sophomore year. You're the guy that ate that shaker of pepper on a dare.
Noah Puckerman: Didn't even puke.
Quinn Fabray: Will you let me kiss you?
Noah Puckerman: I guess I'd be kind of rude if I refused.
Quinn Fabray: You know, Puckerman... you got this.



Noah Puckerman: Funny thing about a kiss. If it comes at the right time from the right girl, it can be like magic. It can bring you back to life like CPR, but with tongues. It can take away the doubt and the fear. It can change you, even if it's just back into what you always were: an all-original, grade-A, badass. Get ready test. I'm about to make Puckerman your daddy.



Sue Sylvester: Well, you stink of chlorine, Roz Washington, which means one of two things: either you just returned from the peroxide factory where you spent the afternoon having your hair helmet revarnished, or you've given up trying to steal my Cheerios! and you're back in the pool where you belong.
Roz Washington: I got to hand it to you, Sue. National championships for both the Glee Club and the Cheerios! That's quite an accomplishment for a pregnant woman who's ass is so old she went to high school with Moses.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Roz, if you came here to find out once and for all who the celebrity father of my unborn child is, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait for the graphic birth photos that grace the cover of the People magazine exclusive that hits newsstands in September.
Roz Washington: You and I are never gonna like each other, Sue Sylvester, but you and I, we got something in common. We both hate the fact that this school has an idiot for a principal. That's why I propose we join forces and take him down. Well, you think that over, Sue Sylvester, while you nurse your thousand-year-old vampire baby. You just be sure to bottle-feed it because that baby's gonna use those sharp-ass teeth to bite holes in those saggy old boobs.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, Coach. It's my Cheerios! uniform, dry-cleaned and pressed. You were kind enough to let me wear it again, and I figured it was only right to return it in case you wanted to pass it on. Maybe some underclassman who's about to be the new team captain.
Sue Sylvester: You keep it. I'm retiring this uniform. Sit. You know, when I first laid eyes on you, Q, I thought you reminded me of a young Sue Sylvester, but looking at this amazing woman sitting across from me right now, I realize I was wrong. You're nothing like me. You're better. Sure, I'm as smart as you are and every bit as pretty, but somehow you're slightly less evil. And I admire that. I admire you, Quinn Fabray. I admire your perseverance. You're gonna go so far, kiddo. And I'm gonna have the best time watching you do it. And I'm gonna get to say, "Hey, I remember her from way back when." Way back when she was getting Ryan Seacrest tattoos and lying about who the father of her unborn child was.
Quinn Fabray: I'm gonna miss you!
Sue Sylvester: I don't see how that's possible, but thank you.



Quinn Fabray: What's going on?
Noah Puckerman: Waiting for Mrs. Duesenberry to finish grading my test.If I don't pass, it's open season on all faculty tires!
Finn Hudson: What's it say?
Noah Puckerman: C-! It's a Puckerman A+! I'm graduating!
Quinn Fabray: I'm so proud of you.



Noah Puckerman: # Yeah, come on #
# Whoo! #
# I had a friend, was a big baseball player #
Principal Figgins: Michael Chang, Jr.
Noah Puckerman: # Back in high school #
# He could throw that speedball by you #
# Make you look like a fool, boy #
Principal Figgins: Quinn Fabray.
Finn Hudson: # Saw him the other night at this roadside bar #
# I was walking in, he was walking out #
# We went back inside, sat down, had a few drinks #
# But all he kept talking about #
Noah & Finn: # Glory days, well, they'll pass you by #
# Glory days #
Principal Figgins: Mercedes Jones.
Noah & Finn: # In the wink of a young girl's eye #
# Glory days, glory days #
Finn Hudson: # Yeah, all right, boys, watch me working now #
Noah Puckerman: # Working now #
Principal Figgins: Noah Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: Thank you.
# Whoo! #
Principal Figgins: Santana Lopez.
Noah Puckerman: # Think I'm going down to the well tonight #
# Going to drink my fill #
# And I hope when I get old I don't sit around #
# Thinking about it, but I probably will #
Santana Lopez: Thanks.
Principal Figgins: Kurt Hummel.
Finn Hudson: # Just sitting back trying to recapture #
# A little of the glory of... #
# Well, time slips away #
# And leaves you with nothing, mister #
# But boring stories of... #
Noah & Finn: # Glory days #
Burt Hummel: Whoo!
Noah & Finn: # Glory days #
Principal Figgins: Finn Hudson.
Noah & Finn: # In a young girl's eyes, glory days #
# Glory days #
# Well, they'll pass you by, glory days #
Principal Figgins: Rachel Berry.
Noah & Finn: # In a young girl's eyes, glory days, glory days #
Finn Hudson: # What about this? #
# Well, all right! #
Noah Puckerman: # All right #
Finn Hudson: # Come on now #
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, yeah #
Finn Hudson: # Well, all right #
Noah Puckerman: # All right #
Finn Hudson: # Come on now #
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, yeah #
Finn Hudson: # Whoo-ooh #
Noah Puckerman: # Uh-huh #
Principal Figgins: Ladies and gentlemen, I present you William McKinley High's class of 2012!
Noah & Finn: # Glory days. #



Kurt Hummel: I'm seriously having trouble breathing right now.
Rachel Berry: Are you guys ready?
Finn Hudson: I kind of want to wait.
Kurt Hummel: For how long?
Finn Hudson: Forever. Just a couple more seconds, but this is the last moment before we know. After we open those envelopes, it's-it's gonna change our entire lives no matter what's in it either way. I just kind of want another minute with you guys here like this.
Kurt Hummel: So, who's first?
Finn Hudson: I'll go first. I got a good feeling about it.
Rachel Berry: Look, no matter what happens, we're all here for each other.
Finn Hudson: I didn't get it.
Rachel Berry: It's okay.
Finn Hudson: Please, somebody else just open theirs. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: I'll go next. I didn't get in. I didn't get in.
Rachel Berry: Kurt, I'm so sorry.
Finn Hudson: Your turn, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I got in.



Rachel Berry: If on my first day at this school, you had asked me what I would've wished my life would look like on my last day, this would've been it. Prom queen, marrying the quarterback, show choir national champion, on my way to Broadway to study. Broadway. All my dreams have come true. But then, why am I so sad? I guess because, in real life, dreams are more complicated than they are in our imaginations. I can't bring Finn to New York. He'll be reminded of his rejections every day. And being there without Kurt would be like remaking Beaches without the Bette Midler character. So I've decided. I'm deferring my acceptance to NYADA for a year and working with the two of them on their applications and auditions to guarantee we'll all go there together next year. I'm actually thankful for this whole mess. I used to think Broadway was my one and only love. I'm so glad something has made me come to my senses.



Maribel Lopez: Come on. You're gonna be late your own graduation celeblation.
Santana Lopez: It's dinner with you and Dad.
Maribel Lopez: It's gonna piñata. You don't wanna keep any of this?
Santana Lopez: Nope. I don't wanna be one of those people who thinks that you have them keep you care about, you don't have to acutually see them.
Maribel Lopez: Your graduation present. I was gonna put in a piñata, but your dad thought this more
Santana Lopez: Okay. Hold up. Have you had this money the whole time? Why aren't you driving a Lexus?
Maribel Lopez: I'm not driving a Lexus because for past 18 years I've have been saving all the extra change, tax and Chistmas bonuses so I can help you pay for your college.
Santana Lopez: But I got a scholarship.
Maribel Lopez: If you could've told me that 18 years ago, I would've bought more shoes.
Santana Lopez: You know what? Keep it then. Go on a trip with dad or something. I don't need it. I told you. I don't wanna go to college.
Maribel Lopez: Then use it go to New York. I trust you. I trust your dreams and your talent. And I pity anyone who tries to get in your way.
Santana Lopez: Are you serious?
Maribel Lopez: I would love for you to go to college, but it's not my choice. This is your first moment of adulthood, mi amor. From now on, it's up to you.



Rachel Berry: Hi.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Okay, so you have my dress and my shoes, and I have my makeup and my epic love for you. Let's get married.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Rachel Berry: My dads are still being kind of weird about the wedding. I brought it up last night and they were really quiet, but it's fine. Are you sure that we're going the right way?
Finn Hudson: We're here.
Rachel Berry: Are you joking? 'Cause it's not funny. We're gonna be late.
Finn Hudson: You're on the 4:25 to New York. Your dads are gonna meet you there and they're gonna, they're gonna help you look at dorms at the new school. You're gonna spend four years of your life there and you've never even set foot in the place, so...
Rachel Berry: But I... I have all year to go and look at it.
Finn Hudson: You're gonna go there in the fall. All right? You're not deferring. We're not getting married.
Rachel Berry: You don't want to marry me?
Finn Hudson: I want to marry you so badly I can't go through with it. Yeah, but the thought of you being stuck here for another year because of me, it makes me sick.
Rachel Berry: Then come with me. Okay? We can get married in New York and live in a little shoebox apartment together. It'll be romantic.
Finn Hudson: Do you love me?
Rachel Berry: Of course I do.
Finn Hudson: Then tell me the truth and not just something you think I want to hear. Are you 100% sure you want to marry me?
Rachel Berry: N-No-no one is 100% sure of anything.
Finn Hudson: I am. I am that sure you're something special. That this is just the beginning for you. Okay? Th-That you're gonna do amazing things. But to get there, you got to have these experiences on your own...
Rachel Berry: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Finn Hudson: Listen to me. You got to have these experiences on your own.
Rachel Berry: Wait a minute.
Finn Hudson: I can't have to be there with you.
Rachel Berry: Wait a minute. Are you breaking up with me?
Finn Hudson: I'm setting you free.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God.
Finn Hudson: Look, d-do you know how hard this is for me? How many times I've cried about this?
Rachel Berry: No, I'm not going. I'm not going, not without you.
Finn Hudson: You don't have a choice; I can't come with you.
Rachel Berry: Well, then I'll stay here! I'll go wherever it is that you're going!
Finn Hudson: Fort Benning, Georgia? Look, I-I need a chance to try and redeem my father, okay? I-I...
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, wait a minute. You're joining the Army? Are you insane? I can't believe that this is happening right now.
Finn Hudson: It's also one of the places I knew you couldn't follow me. Look, you're-you're gonna get on that train. Okay? And you're gonna go to New York, and you're gonna be a star. Without me. That's how much I love you. You know what we're gonna do? Surrender. I know how hard that is for you because of how hard you hold on to stuff. But-but we're just gonna, we're gonna sit here and we're just gonna let go. Okay, and-and let the universe do it's thing. And if we're meant to be together, then we're gonna be together. W-Whether it's in a little shoebox apartment in New York or on the other side of the world. Okay? Will you do that with me? Will you surrender?
Rachel Berry: I love you so much.
Finn Hudson: I love you.
Rachel Berry: # Hey, hey, hey #
# So many things to do and say #
# But I can't seem to find the way #
# But I want to know how #
# I know I'm meant for something else #
# But first, I got to find myself #
# But I don't know how #
# Oh, why do I reach for the stars #
# When I don't have wings #
# To carry me that far? #
Finn & Rachel: # I got to have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I want to be #
# And faith to take chances #
# To live like I see #
# A place in this world for me #
# Oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Sometimes I don't want to feel #
# And forget the pain is real #
# Put my head in the clouds #
# Oh, start to run and then I fall #
# Thinking I can't get it all #
# Without my feet on the ground #
# There's always a seed before there's a rose #
# The more that it rains, the more I will grow #
# Got to have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I want to be #
# And faith to take chances #
# To live like I see #
# A place in this world for me #
# Oh, oh #
# Whatever comes, I know how to take it #
# Learn to be strong, I won't have to fake it #
# Oh, you're understanding #
# Oh, the wind can come and do its best #
# Roaming north and south, east and west #
# But I'll still be standing #
# I'm standing #
# If I have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I'm gonna be #
# And faith, oh, to take chances #
# To live like I see #
# A place in this world #
# Got to have roots before branches #
# To know who I am #
# Before I know who I want to be #
# And faith to take chances #
# And live like I see #
# A place in this world #
# For me #
# I got to have roots before branches, oh, yeah #
外部リンク
 AfterEllen.com
 IMDb
 glee-グリー まとめ Wiki
 Glee Wiki
 TV.com
 Wikipedia

401. The New Rachel

Cassandra July: 
All right, kids; Show me what you got. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. Welcome to NYADA. This is Dance 101, my name's Cassandra July, and if you are not suffering from severe body dysmorphia, then you don't want it enough. Let's get this straight, freshmen: There's maybe two of you in this room that are good enough to make it in this business. As for the rest of you, thank you for paying my rent on my loft in SoHo. Hey. What's your name?
Lydia: Uh, Lydia.
Cassandra July: 
No, no, your name's Muffin Top, and from now on, it's rice cakes and ipecac. Or cut off a butt cheek, 'cause you need to drop a few. Hold it. I'm sorry. Did my conversation with Muffin Top offend you?
Rachel Berry: No.
Cassandra July: Hmm? What's your name?
Rachel Berry: Rachel.
Cassandra July: Little Miss... David Schwimmer?
Rachel Berry: Little Miss David Schwimmer.
Cassandra July: I bet you were a big star back in Iowa.
Rachel Berry: I'm actually from Ohio.
Cassandra July: 
Ohio. That's even worse. You ever look at a map? Ohio is like a giant turd that Michigan just can't pinch off. So did you come all the way to New York City to show me how to run my class?
Rachel Berry: No, I... I came to learn.
Cassandra July: 
Okay. Lesson number one: Your piqué turns are pathetic, and your stuck-up little attitude's really pissing me off. Music! All right, let's go! Energy in your fingers. Higher. Higher. Into the ground. Higher! Higher, higher! Come on!
Rachel Berry: I don't need any help.
Cassandra July: 
No, no, sweetie, I'm not coming down here to help you. I'm coming down here to give you a big New York City welcome. You suck.



Jacob Ben Israel: 
What's up, blogosphere? Jacob Ben Israel here, back on the street with an exclusive look at McKinley's newest celebrities, the New Directions! Artie Abrams, lunch room sources tell me you've been seen sitting with Cheerios!
Artie Abrams: 
Well, I'm usually sitting. But, yes, and I can tell you it is great to finally be popular. National champs, baby! Whoo!
Jacob Ben Israel: Sam Evans: from hobo stripper to glee club celebrity. How does it feel?
Sam Evans: Awesome, and about time.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
I never thought I'd have a freshman for a personal assistant. This isn't organic.
Jacob Ben Israel: Wow. "C You Next Tina."
Girl: Do Taylor Lautner again.
Sam Evans: Bella, I love you. And I am a werewolf.
Jacob Ben Israel: 
Is it true you broke up with Mike Chang a week after tattooing "Mike Chang 4ever" on your hip because the long-distance thing was too hard?
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Um... yeah. I still love him, and we're still friends, and I changed the tattoo to "Make Change 4ever." Change is good.
Jacob Ben Israel: 
They said Rachel Berry was the group's undisputed star, so, really, the only question is: Which one of you is the new Rachel?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Well...
Artie, Blaine, Brittany & Tina: I am.



Rachel Berry: 
It's nice to know I'm missed. New York can make a girl feel lonely. I miss my dads. I miss Finn. I haven't heard from him in two months. Maybe he's just trying to give me the space I need to make it on my own. Surrender, right? I'm sure that's it. My roommate seems nice. Well, I haven't officially met her. She's usually busy with company, but she sounds nice. I just wish Kurt had gotten into NYADA with me. The co-ed bathrooms take some getting used to. I got tired of everyone's opinion of my extensive nighttime ritual, so I started showering at 3:00 in the morning when no one else is around.
Brody Weston: 
# Sister Christian, oh, the time has come #
# And you know that you're the only one #
# To say okay #
# Where you goin'? #
# What you lookin' for? #
# Oh, those boys don't want to play #
# No more with you... #
# You're motoring #
# What's your price for flight? #
Hey. You're a freshman, right?
Rachel Berry: Yeah, I'm Rachel Berry. I'm majoring in musical theater.
Brody Weston: Me, too. Brody Weston. I'm a junior.
Rachel Berry: Hi.
Brody Weston: Well, you survived your first class with Cassie, so you must be good.
Rachel Berry: Is she, uh, always that awful?
Brody Weston: 
Yeah, she's tough. But I wouldn't have gotten that chorus gig in the revival of Working last summer if she didn't push me so hard.
Rachel Berry: You were on Broadway?
Brody Weston: 
Steel Worker Number Three. Show lasted for, like, three performances, but still... I like to come in here at night, too. People give me a hard time about my moisturizing ritual.
Rachel Berry: Me, too.
Brody Weston: We're actors, right? Our skin is like our paintbrush and our canvas.
Rachel Berry: 
Actually, I'm not really sleeping much, lately. Not a lot of city noise in Lima, Ohio. I just think everything takes a little getting used to, but... yeah.
Brody Weston: You'll be fine.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Brody Weston: 
Just remember, you're here because you're the best of the best. Start believing that. Oh, and, in case you were wondering... which you were... I'm straight.



Kurt Hummel: 
So he was wearing a towel that was barely covering his tinkletube, and he's straight? Hot. Do you like him?
Rachel Berry: 
No, you know I'll always love Finn. Oh, and I love you, I miss you like crazy.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, is that why you're calling me every three hours?
Rachel Berry: 
Well, I just want to make sure that you're okay. I'm great, I love it here. My dance teacher worships me. But how are you? Are you okay?
Kurt Hummel: I'm keeping busy.
Rachel Berry: Where are you right now?
Kurt Hummel: 
I just passed Mrs. Hagberg's old classroom. Figured I'd stop by McKinley and meet their newest addition.



Sue Sylvester: 
Porcelain, this is my daughter Robin. I've loved the name ever since I was a little girl. It recalls hope, and springtime, and my favorite dead Bee Gee. Oh, she's the love of my life. And I'm so... so devoted to her. Kitty! Get in here.
Kitty: Yes, Coach Sylvester?
Sue Sylvester: 
I need you to change Robin's diaper, and then sing her a lullaby. Preferably something not yet butchered by the glee club. Good luck finding one. Porcelain, this is Kitty. Kitty is my new head bitch. She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic-depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair.
Kitty: 
Shouldn't you be in college or something? I thought gay people were all successful overachievers.
Kurt Hummel: I am a successful...
Sue Sylvester: 
Oh, don't pay attention to what Kitty thinks, Even if it's exactly what the rest of the world thinks. I'm actually very proud of you, Twinkletush. You're a real trailblazer. You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation, but you've proven that gay ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past.
Kurt Hummel: 
I'm not a sad sack, okay? My classes at Allen County Community College start next week...
Sue Sylvester: 
I'm sorry, I tuned out the moment you opened your mouth. Keep living the dream, Porcelain.



Will Schuester: 
Glee! We are coming off of a National Championship, but it's time to look forward, And thanks to Glee now being the coolest club in the school, Whoo!
Sugar Motta: Right on.
Will Schuester: This shouldn't be a problem.



Will Schuester: All right. Wow. Wow.



Will Schuester: 
Yes, we've lost some big voices. But we still have some huge ones in here. And I promise to do everything I can to replace the ones that we lost. And on that note, I'd like to introduce you to our newest member: The MVP of last year's nationals, Wade "Unique" Adams.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's a great haircut, Mercedes. I thought you graduated.
Wade Adams: I wanted to be somewhere where different was celebrated.
Will Schuester: We are so excited to have you. Guys... where's the love?
Blaine Anderson: 
I think Wade is great, but the competition to be the new Rachel is already so intense, the last thing that we need is one more contender.
Will Schuester: "The New Rachel"?
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Every glee club needs a star performer. Rachel was that, and now that she's gone, many of us want the job.
Will Schuester: 
Okay, we don't win with stars. We win as a team. One that supports new members. Now, I don't want to hear any more of this... this "New Rachel" stuff, okay? Have a seat, Wade.
Wade Adams: Make no mistake: Unique will be the new Rachel.
Blaine Anderson: 
We decide this on our own, then... Thunderdome style. 5:00, in the auditorium.



Tina Cohen-Chang: 
So, here are the rules: We perform the song for Artie, he makes his choice, we go to Mr. Schue as a group, and we tell him who the new lead soloist is. Hopefully, it'll be me, 'cause that's what Rachel wanted.
Artie Abrams: 
Though I am uncomfortable doing this behind Mr. Schue's back, I am a director. Therefore, I never pass up on an opportunity to judge people.
Wade Adams: What song are we singing?
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
What Rachel would sing, if she were here. The song of the summer, "Call Me Maybe."
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you need time to prepare?
Wade Adams: 
I can sing any song, any time. Just press play, and get back.
# I threw a wish in a well #
# Don't ask me, I'll never tell #
# I looked to you as it fell #
# And now you're in my way #
Blaine Anderson: 
# I'd trade my soul for a wish #
# Pennies and dimes for a kiss #
# I wasn't looking for this #
# But now you're in my way #
Brittany S. Pierce: 
# Your stare was holding #
# Ripped jeans, skin was showing #
# Hot night, wind was blowing #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Where you think you're going, baby? #
Brittany S. Pierce: 
# Hey, I just met you #
# And this is crazy #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
# It's hard to look right #
# At you baby #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #
Blaine & Wade: 
# Hey, I just met you #
# And this is crazy #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #
Tina & Brittany: 
# And all the other boys #
# Try to chase me #
Blaine, Brittany, Tina & Wade: 
# Well, here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #
Brittany S. Pierce: 
# Before you came into my life #
# I missed you so bad #
# I missed you so bad #
# I missed you so, so bad #
Tina & Wade: 
# Before you came into my life #
# I missed you so bad #
# And you should know that #
# I missed you so, so bad #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # It's hard to look right #
Blaine Anderson: # Hard to look right #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # At you baby #
Brittany S. Pierce: # At you baby #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # But here's my number #
Wade Adams: # So call me, maybe #
Brittany S. Pierce: 
# Hey, I just met you #
# And this is crazy #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #
Blaine Anderson: # Call me #
Brittany S. Pierce: 
# Before you came into my life #
# I missed you so bad #
Blaine Anderson: # So bad #
Brittany S. Pierce: # I missed you so bad #
Blaine Anderson: # So bad #
Brittany S. Pierce: # I missed you so, so bad #
Blaine, Brittany, Tina & Wade: # So call me, maybe? #
Blaine Anderson: So, Artie... who's the new Rachel?



Blaine Anderson: So, how's Santana?
Brittany S. Pierce: 
She's good; she's just really busy with cheerleading practice and it's hard making out over Skype. You can't really scissor a Webcam.
Kurt Hummel: Here's an extra hot soy latte for him and a no-chocolate for her.
Brittany S. Pierce: Merci.
Kurt Hummel: I can't wait till Friday.
Blaine Anderson: Why?
Kurt Hummel: Glee Club auditions.
Brittany S. Pierce: That sounds like fun.
Blaine Anderson: Pretty nice.
Kurt Hummel: Is it depressing that I'm more excited about it than either of you?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Blaine Anderson: No, not at all.
Brittany S. Pierce: Just a little bit.
Blaine Anderson: No, it's...
Kitty: Excuse me. Garcon? My ice latte's too cold.
Kurt Hummel: It's an iced latte.
Kitty: It's an iced latte that's too cold. I'm gonna need you to make me a new one. Hello?
Allen: Hey, Kurt, you got to refill the biscotti Barrel every 15 minutes.
Kurt Hummel: Coming. I'll be right back with your latte.



Benjamin: Uh, Miss July?
Cassandra July: Yeah?
Benjamin: 
I, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but I can't be your TA this year. I start Wicked rehearsals tomorrow. I'm just playing a flying monkey, but still...
Cassandra July: 
Oh, stop it. Does it matter? It's your first Broadway show. You'll never forget it. I was 17, I was a dancing spoon.
Benjamin: 
Well, the casting director said it's the recommendation you gave me that really put me over the top, so thank you for everything. Oh!
Cassandra July: I'm so proud of you, Benjie.
Benjamin: Thank you. I should go. I have to get fitted for my monkey legs.



Tina Cohen-Chang: You had enough time, so who is it?
Artie Abrams: You can't rush the casting process. My genius needs it's dream time.
Marley Rose: 
You guys are the Glee Club, right? Hi. I'm gonna try out. I'm a sophomore. My name is Marley.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Okay, well, lots of competition, so good luck to you.
Wade Adams: Unique offers her greetings and salutations.
Sam Evans: 
Wade, you can't wear that makeup and stuff in here. You have to understand how this stuff works. It's like Game of Thrones.
Artie Abrams: 
Yeah, the peace between us and the truly popular kids is weak... winter is coming. It's not gonna take much for us to get smacked down to the bottom again.
Blaine Anderson: 
Maybe you should just save Unique for performances and be Wade the rest of the time, hmm?
Wade Adams: All right... I'll go take off my face.
Kitty: Hey, glee people.
Artie Abrams: Hey, Kitty.
Football Player: 
Hey, you guys see the new lunch lady? She's so fat, they took a picture of her last Christmas. Still printing.
Football Player: 
Hey, she has to wear a watch on both wrists because she covers two time zones.
Brittany S. Pierce: 
Maybe she has, like, a medical condition or she swallowed somebody with a medical condition.
Football Player: Right, Artie?
Artie Abrams: When she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
Football Player: Attaboy. Attaboy!



Marley Rose: Hey, you ready to go?
Mrs. Rose: 
Hey. I thought that you could wear this to your glee audition. Well, even if they think it's secondhand, the tag will say high-class secondhand. It's high school; It's all about being special. But... the right kind of special, not Goodwill clothes, daughter-of-the-lunch- lady special.
Marley Rose: You really think I have a chance of getting into Glee Club?
Mrs. Rose: 
You have magic in your throat, Marley. It's time to share it with the world. I'm going to drive the car a couple blocks away, and I will wait for you there. I don't want to risk anyone seeing you get in the car with me. Mm-wah!



Cassandra July: God almighty, Schwimmer, possible you're getting worse?
Rachel Berry: I've been practicing a lot. I've just had a little bit of a rough week.
Cassandra July: 
Aw, you tired? You lonely? You homesick? Well, you better decide how badly you want it 'cause this school is filled with people who will do whatever necessary to make it in this business.
Rachel Berry: Why are you picking on me?
Cassandra July: I'm not! I'm motivating you! What's your problem now?
Rachel Berry: There's just alcohol on your breath.
Cassandra July: 
It's Listerine. Let me tell you something. I may not be a wide-eyed ingenue anymore, but I can still dance circles around any of you. Music.
# I met a girl in East L.A. #
# In floral shorts as sweet as May #
# She sang in eights in two barrio chords #
# We fell in love, but not in court #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah, America #
# Mis canciones son de la revolución #
# Mi corazón me duele por mi generación #
# If you love me, we can marry on the West Coast #
# On a Wednesday en el verano en agosto #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again, ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America, Americano #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America #
# Americano #
# If this would be a perfect world #
# We'd be together then #
# Let's do it, do it, do it #
# Only got just one life, this I've learned #
# Who cares what they're gonna say? #
# Let's do it, do it, do it #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America #
# Americano #
# I want to dance # Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America, Americano #
# I want to dance #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# America, Americano #
# I want to dance #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America, Americano #
# I want to dance! #
You're not just on my list, Schwimmer, you are my list. Class dismissed.



Will Schuester: Okay, let's get started.
Kurt Hummel: Remember, guys, we're looking for superstars.
Stoner Brett: 
I'm Stoner Brett. This is Buster's "Gettin' Hot."
# This is gettin' hot, this is gettin' hot #
# Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind #
# Sipping on a 40 while I'm pushing on the dime #
# Feel the pain, the game #
# Yeah, Lil' Wayne, Lil' Wayne. #
De'wanda Umber: De'wanda Umber.
Blaine Anderson: Are there words to this?
Wade Adams: She gotta go.
Will Schuester: Hello, sir. What's your name?
Jake Puckerman: Jake.
Will Schuester: Got a last name, Jake?
Jake Puckerman: Uh, just Jake.
Will Schuester: Okay, well, show us what you got "Just Jake."
Jake Puckerman: 
# Some things we don't talk about #
# Rather do without #
# Just hold the smile... #
Sugar Motta: He's so sexy.
Sam Evans: No, he's not.
Wade Adams: Yes, he is.
Jake Puckerman: 
# Ashamed and proud of #
# Together all the while #
# You can never say never #
# While we don't know when #
# Time and time again #
# Younger now than we were before #
# Don't let me go... #
# Don't let me go #
# Don't let me go... #
Will Schuester: Okay, Jake. Thank you.
Jake Puckerman: 
# Don't... #
I don't get to finish?
Will Schuester: We got a lot of people to see.
Jake Puckerman: But I've been practicing.
Will Schuester: We've seen enough. Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: That's rude and unacceptable.
Will Schuester: 
Kurt, I'll handle this. Jake, come on, man, why don't you pick up the music stand?
Kurt Hummel: Next!



Carmen Tibideaux: 
Returning students, welcome back. New students, welcome to the round room. The acoustics are perfect and there are no corners. Which means there is nowhere to hide in here. First-year students will have the opportunity to sing publicly twice. The first time today, the Debut.
Brody Weston: Also known as the "Freshman reaping."
Carmen Tibideaux: 
The second, the Winter Showcase at the end of the semester... if you are invited. Shall we begin? Beatrice McClaine.
Beatrice McClaine: 
My name is Beatrice McClaine and I'll be singing "Ave Maria" written by Franz Schubert.
# Ave Maria... #
Carmen Tibideaux: 
I'm gonna stop you there. When I accepted you at NYADA, what did I tell you you needed to do? You needed to practice all summer long.
Beatrice McClaine: I did.
Carmen Tibideaux: 
You did not. I think you need to practice a little bit more and reapply in December.
Rachel Berry: Did she just get cut?
Brody Weston: It happens.
Carmen Tibideaux: Rachel Berry. Impress me.
Rachel Berry: Hi. I'm Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing "New York State of Mind,"
Marley Rose: written by Billy Joel.
Wade Adams: Popularized by one Miss...
Rachel Berry: 
Barbra Streisand.
# Some folks like to get away #
# For a holiday from the neighborhood #
# Hop a flight to Miami Beach #
# Or to Hollywood #
# Ooh #
# But I'm taking a Greyhound #
# On the Hudson River line #
# I'm in a New York state of mind #
Marley Rose: 
# Ooh #
# It was so easy #
# Living day by day #
# Out of touch #
# With the rhythm and the blues #
# But now I need #
# A little give-and-take #
Rachel Berry: # The New York Times #
Marley Rose: # The Daily News #
Rachel Berry: 
# Oh #
# It comes down to reality #
# And it's fine with me #
# 'Cause I let it slide #
Marley Rose: 
# Don't care if it's Chinatown #
# Or on Riverside #
Rachel Berry: 
# Ooh #
# I don't have any reasons #
Marley Rose: # I left them all behind #
Rachel Berry: # I'm in a New York state of #
Marley Rose: # Mind #
Rachel Berry: # Oh #
Marley Rose: # I'm just taking a Greyhound #
Rachel Berry: # On the Hudson River line... #
Marley Rose: # Line... #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause I'm in... #
Marley Rose: # I'm in a New York... #
Marley & Rachel: 
# State... #
# Of... #
# Mind #
# Ooh #
# Oh #
Marley Rose: # New York #
Marley & Rachel: # State of mind. #
Carmen Tibideaux: Nice.



Will Schuester: 
Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Now, that's what I call star quality. What do you guys think?
Sugar Motta: Ten.
Blaine Anderson: She's good. She's good.



Blaine Anderson: What's this?
Kurt Hummel: I'm organizing all the sheet music. Artie, go around it, not over it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Thanks, Dottie. You're dismissed for the day. This is for you... and no, it's not a bribe, because we all know Rachel told me herself that I'm the new Rachel.
Wade Adams: MVP in the house.
Joseph Hart: Bro, I thought we agreed you'd only wear that stuff onstage.
Kurt Hummel: 
What's wrong with you guys? This club is about diversity and acceptance. Or at least it used to be. And another thing... since when did everyone become so obsessed with who's the biggest star?
Tina Cohen-Chang: 
Since day one... you and Rachel fought over solos for three years. No more stalling, Artie. Who's the new Rachel?
Sugar Motta: Yeah, who's it?
Brittany S. Pierce: Tell us.
Artie Abrams: 
After meticulous deliberation and an online poll, the new Rachel is... Blaine.
Brittany S. Pierce: How?
Artie Abrams: Brittany, you were a close second.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I came in third?
Artie Abrams: Let's not worry about third or fourth place.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And we don't need to talk about this, either.
Wade Adams: Why do you hate strong black women for?
Will Schuester: 
Guys, this young lady gave hands-down one of the best auditions I have ever seen. Let's give it up for our newest member, Marley Rose.
Blaine Anderson: Marley, on behalf of all of New Directions!, welcome.
Marley Rose: Thank you. I'm really excited to be here.
Sugar Motta: I really like your sweater. Where'd you get it?
Marley Rose: Oh. Thanks. Um, J.Crew.
Sugar Motta: Really?



Mrs. Rose: The only new member out of all those people?
Marley Rose: 
It wasn't that many. Okay, it was awesome! Hearing them cheer for me, accept me.
Mrs. Rose: 
And that Rachel Berry everybody talks about rode that glee club train right to Broadway.
Marley Rose: 
Well, I don't want to be on Broadway, though. I want to be a singer on the radio.
Mrs. Rose: 
Well, then let the glee club help you get there. For now, the important thing is you found someplace you belong.
Marley Rose: There's one problem. They were making fun of you.
Mrs. Rose: Well, they're teenagers.
Marley Rose: Just feels so weird lying about you. You're my mom.
Mrs. Rose: 
You remember what happened at the last school? You didn't have any friends. I won't let that happen again. This is your shot to sit at the popular kids' table. Don't blow it.



Kurt Hummel: 
Of course, I think you should be the lead soloist. But can I give you some advice? Even when Rachel was her most controlling, she still made sure everyone felt included.
Blaine Anderson: 
Okay. You have a point. Can I give you some advice? You can't be here anymore, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: I get it. I know. I'm pathetic.
Blaine Anderson: 
No, no, you're... you're not pathetic. It's just that you're... you're stuck. You don't belong here anymore. You belong in New York.
Kurt Hummel: And I'm reapplying for NYADA. But I can't just go to New York.
Blaine Anderson: 
You don't need NYADA. And believe me, I don't want to see you go, but I just can't stand to see you stay here. It's killing you. And that's killing me.
Kurt Hummel: What about us?
Blaine Anderson: 
In a year, I'll be there, too, but... right now is your time. You're ready.
# So this is what you meant #
# When you said that you were spent #
# And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit #
# Right to the top #
# Don't look back #
# Packing my bags #
# And giving the academy a rain check #
# I don't ever want to let you down #
# I don't ever want to leave this town #
# 'Cause after all #
# This city never sleeps at night #
# It's time to begin, isn't it? #
# I get a little bit bigger #
# But then I'll admit #
# I'm just the same as I was #
# Oh, don't you understand #
# I'm never changing who I am #
# This road never looked so lonely #
# This house doesn't burn down slowly #
# To ashes, to ashes #
# It's time to begin, isn't it? #
# I get a little bit bigger #
# But then I'll admit #
# I'm just the same as I was #
# Now don't you understand #
# I'm never changing who I am #
# It's time to begin, isn't it? #
# I get a little bit bigger #
# But then I'll admit #
# I'm just the same as I was #
# Don't you understand #
# I'm never changing who I am. #
Kurt Hummel: I'll miss you so much.



Blaine Anderson: 
Brittany, I'm sorry, but I won fair and square. You can't just decide not to sing anymore. We all need your voice.
Brittany S. Pierce: 
I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart, and pretty soon, the corpse of my dead heart song is going to start to smell.
Kitty: 
Okay, guys. Since we can't do a popularity homecoming float with all white people, I say I think we should do one with all white chrysanthemums.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's a good idea.
Football Player: We need a float, why don't we all just ride her?
Sugar Motta: Look at her boobs. It's like two grocery bags full of soup.
Marley Rose: That's really mean.
Kitty: Excuse me?
Marley Rose: You don't know her. You don't know what her life is like.
Kitty: So? Why do you care?
Marley Rose: Because she's my mom. I thought you guys were different.



Brody Weston: That your boyfriend?
Rachel Berry: 
Hey. Yeah, this is Finn. He's in the Army, so we really haven't been talking much lately.
Brody Weston: 
I had a girlfriend back home when I first started NYADA. Yeah, we lasted six weeks.
Rachel Berry: No, that's not gonna happen to us. I'm not gonna turn my back on him.
Brody Weston: 
Oh, nobody said you should. Anyway, I came to tell you that you killed it in Tibideaux's class. Nice job.
Rachel Berry: 
Thank you. You know, it's just, other than when I was singing that song, I've just really never felt as amazingly wrong as I do here. Just all alone. Kind of feel like I'm just gonna throw up all the time.
Brody Weston: 
Well, it's just because you're becoming a different person. That's why you came to New York. To be that new and improved girl. Here, let me see your phone. We're gonna take a picture.
Rachel Berry: Let me see.
Brody Weston: 
You look good. Don't fight the new you. Because from what I've seen, she is gonna kick some serious tail. And start adding new memories to the old ones. Walk you to class?



Cassandra July: 
What's the problem, people? You've been here a week. You should be dancing at, like, Black Swan levels of psychosis right now. You, Miss Schwimmer. Show me your piqué. Okay, give me another one. Center yourself this time. Better, slightly. You gonna roll your eyes at me now?
Rachel Berry: No. And I'm gonna keep getting better till I'm the best you've ever seen.
Cassandra July: 
Oh, you're mouthy. And you got guts. Good, I like it. I like that spirit in my students. 'Cause it'll make it more fun for me when I'm making your every waking moment a hell on earth. So boring.



Burt Hummel: 
All right. As soon as you find a place to live, I'll ship you the rest of your stuff. And you'll get enough cash from selling your car to get you through at least two weeks in a motel. And the emergency credit card, which is only for what?
Kurt Hummel: 
Emergencies. Dad, this is silly. I don't have to be in New York to reapply for NYADA. So I can find a job that pays me the same amount as Lima Bean, but pay ten times more in rent?
Burt Hummel: 
Yeah, because it's an adventure. Look, all great artists need a little struggle in their lives. Didn't you tell me that Julia Roberts sold shoes in New York before she made it? Good enough for Pretty Woman, good enough for Kurt Hummel. Scared?
Kurt Hummel: Terrified.
Burt Hummel: 
New York is gonna be a breeze compared to Lima. Think about all the crap you've been putting up with the last couple years. You know the difference between this place and New York?
Kurt Hummel: Decent bagels?
Burt Hummel: 
New York is filled with people like you. People who aren't afraid to be different. You're gonna feel at home there. If you're not scared, just means you're not sticking out your neck far enough.
Kurt Hummel: You truly are the world's greatest dad.
Burt Hummel: 
I know. It's written on the coffee mug you got me for Father's Day. Now, get out of here. You're gonna miss your flight.
Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna miss you, Dad.
Burt Hummel: You can always come back. But you won't.
Kurt Hummel: I love you.
Burt Hummel: I love you, too, Kurt.



Sam Evans: 
Hey, Marley, um, just wanted to apologize for all of us and beg you not to quit. Look, I get you. Like, for instance, I know that that sweater is from Walmart and your mom sewed the J.Crew label into it.
Marley Rose: How do you know that?
Sam Evans: 
Because my mom used to do the same thing for me. The best thing about Glee Club is it's not about labels. If you can sing, if you can dance, you belong. And, dude, you can sing.
Marley Rose: 
I don't know. You say that, but the way you were making fun of my mom, something doesn't feel right.
Artie Abrams: We came to apologize.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I think being popular felt a little too good, and we forgot ourselves.
Brittany S. Pierce: 
Well, I didn't. I was always popular, but I do forget to wear underwear sometimes, though.
Blaine Anderson: 
The best part about Glee Club is that everyone gets to be a star. Which is why we're all hoping that you could come to rehearsal with us this afternoon and maybe sing lead vocal on one of the songs we're working on.
Wade Adams: 
And if words don't convince you, let the majesty and mystery of Unique's fabulousness be enough! I mean it. Glee Club's a special place. I mean, where else could I dress like this and be welcomed with open arms?
Marley Rose: 
Okay, one last thing. I don't think I'm comfortable sitting with that cheerleader and those guys at lunch.
Kitty: 
That won't be a problem. We could handle Gimpy and the Tarantula Head and Richie Poor, because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire and Mike and Molly's daughter as part of our crew.
Blaine Anderson: Well, I guess we're not in your crew anymore.
Kitty: You know, I was kind of hoping you'd say that.
Football Player: And with that, order is restored.
Artie Abrams: Well, looks like you guys have been officially welcomed to the Glee Club.
Wade Adams: Unique's eyes... they are on fire!
Blaine Anderson: Let's get you guys cleaned up and go to rehearsal.



Jake Puckerman: You wanted to see me?
Will Schuester: Yes, I wanted to talk to you about your audition.
Jake Puckerman: 
Do you have any idea how hard I worked on that song? I was up for three nights getting it right, and you didn't even let me finish.
Will Schuester: 
Glee Club performs in front of hundreds of people. Some of them might boo you. You gonna throw a mic stand at them?
Jake Puckerman: 
So I'm angry. I got a right to be. You don't know me. You don't know my life.
Will Schuester: I know your brother, Jake. Puckerman.
Jake Puckerman: 
Half-brother. Our dad's like an NBA player. There could be 50 other Puckermans running around Ohio.
Will Schuester: No one ever mentioned anything about having a brother.
Jake Puckerman: 
He doesn't know. I get it. Now that you know I'm related to your boy, I'm good enough for your stupid club?
Will Schuester: 
No. When I saw you were related to him, I realized how much good Glee Club did him. Made me want to take a chance on you. But you've got to get that chip off your shoulder. And I interrupted your audition because I knew after the first verse that I wanted you in this club. You're really good, Jake.
Jake Puckerman: You think I'm good?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Jake Puckerman: 
No. I'm not changing. I like this chip on my shoulder and I'm not losing it to sing for you. I'm not my brother.



Marley Rose: 
# I've made up my mind #
# Don't need to think it over #
# If I'm wrong, I am right #
# Don't need to look no further #
# This ain't lust #
# I know #
# This is love #
# But if I tell the world #
# I'll never say enough #
# 'Cause it was not said to you #
# And that's exactly what I need to do #
# If I end up with you #
# Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere #
New Directions: # Nowhere #
Marley Rose: 
# Or would it be a waste #
# Even if I knew my place #
# Should I leave it there? #
# Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere #
# Yeah #
# Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere #
# Or would it be a waste #
New Directions: # Would it be a waste #
Marley Rose: # Even if I knew my place #
New Directions: # If I knew my place #
Marley Rose: # Should I leave it there? #
New Directions: # Should I leave it there? #
Kurt Hummel: What's wrong? You sound sad.
Rachel Berry: I lied. I'm not okay.
Marley Rose: # Should I just keep on #
New Directions: # Chasing #
Marley Rose: # Chasing... #
Rachel Berry: I miss you, and I miss everything.
Marley Rose: # Should I just #
New Directions: 
# Keep on #
# Chasing pavements? #
Marley Rose: 
# Chasing pavements? #
# Oh... #
New Directions: 
# Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
Marley Rose: # Pavements... #
Rachel Berry: 
My dance teacher's a monster, and I can't even go to my dorm room, because my roommate is sleeping with the entire school.
Kurt Hummel: Why don't you move out and find a new roommate?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: Turn around.
New Directions: # Should I give up #
Marley Rose: 
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere. #
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402. Britney 2.0

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Rachel's in New York, and her new friend Brody is way hot, but Finn's still M.I.A, and her dance teacher Cassandra totally hates her guts. Thank God Kurt showed up, so now they can be classic New York roommates and shop for shoes and stuff. There's a new girl in Glee Club named Marley, and she could be the next big thing. So could this kid Jake, and it turns out he's Puck's half brother and Puck totally doesn't know about him. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Brittany S. Pierce: My name is Brittany S. Pierce, and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole, because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome, and now I get to relive every minute of it. I'm head Cheerio!, vice-Rachel of the glee club, and now I'm planning a Middle East style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.
Blaine Anderson: Brittany, who are you talking to?
Brittany S. Pierce: I thought I was doing a voice-over.
Blaine Anderson: Okay.
Brittany S. Pierce: It was kind of a rough summer. I really miss Santana, but... for now, all I have to say is... It's Brittany, bitch.



Brittany S. Pierce: # Hey #
# Over there #
# Please forgive me #
# If I'm coming on too strong #
# Hate to stare #
# But you're winning #
# And they're playing my favorite song #
# So, come here #
# A little closer #
# Wanna whisper in your ear #
# Make it clear #
# Little question #
# Wanna know #
# Just how you feel #
# If I said my heart #
# Was beating loud #
# If we could escape the crowd somehow #
# If I said I want your body now #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# 'Cause you feel #
# Like paradise #
# And I need a vacation tonight #
# So if I said I want your body now #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# If I said I want your body #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# Give me something good #
# Don't want to wait, I want it now #
Cheerios: # N-N-Now, now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Pop it like a hood #
# And show me how you work it out #
Cheerios: # If I said my heart was beating loud #
# If I said I want your body now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Would you hold it against me? #
# If I said my heart was beating loud #
# Would you hold it against me? #
Sue Sylvester: Well, that was just garbage. Garbage wrapped in skin. Brittany, my office... now!



Sue Sylvester: Brittany, I'm afraid it's time for a little tough love. I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C-plus. Now, your performance, very same exam, unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade... F-minus. You answered every question with "see other side," where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled "Happyville." "The town where math was never invented."
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, that's me, and that's Santana, and that's Kurt and Rachel in Heaven. And, look, that's you.
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, You're a terrible role model for the Cheerios! Last year, I was lost in a haze of pregnancy hormones, and I allowed your record breaking GPA to slide. The Cheerios grade point average has dropped three full points. My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal, and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's 'cause I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, You're off the Cheerios! I'm giving the top spot to Kitty. I'm afraid you're going to have to lose the high pony.
Brittany S. Pierce: Tough love feels a lot like "mean."



Santana Lopez: Britt, I'm so sorry Sue was so mean to you. I wish I was there to make it all better.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, me too. Do you think we could scissor-Skype later?
Santana Lopez: I've got cheer practice every night till midnight, until homecoming. Look, I love you, Britt, but I'm so late. I got to go, okay? I'll text you if we get a break.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Have fun.
Santana Lopez: Okay, bye.
Brittany S. Pierce: Bye. I'm not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.



Cassandra July: The tango. You have to have it in your arsenal, people. The first thing you need to understand is it's all about sex. When you are dancing the tango with someone, you're seducing them. Partner up. We're gonna start with abrazo, the embrace. Not you, Schwimmer. Keep practicing those jazz hands back in the corner.
Rachel Berry: Wait... but I... Ms. July... I'm sorry, um... if I'm ever gonna play Evita, I'm gonna have to learn how to tango.
Cassandra July: We're short a boy, so a girl needs to sit out. And you don't have enough sex appeal to pull off a credible tango. You're awkward and tentative in your body, and you move like you're ashamed of it. Arms up! Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.



Brittany S. Pierce: Sorry I'm late. Someone stole my compass. I can't wear my Cheerios! uniform anymore, so I got this outfit in the lost and found.
Will Schuester: Take a seat, Britt.
Brittany S. Pierce: Am I getting kicked off the glee club, too?
Will Schuester: Of course not. We're just really concerned about you.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Um... Brittany, you know you've had some setbacks lately, and, um, it looks like you might be feeling a little bit blue.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's okay. I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.
Will Schuester: Brittany, I-I think you and Emma should meet daily for a while. I think you've underestimated the impact being held back has had on you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, thanks, But I don't really have any time. After school, I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon, and then watching The Client List marathon. And with that, I said good-bye, and swooped out the doorway, my voice-over continuing down the hallway.
Will Schuester: Okay, what was that?
Emma Pillsbury: You know, everything's been taken away from her. She doesn't have anything to hold onto. Clearly, she's lost her identity. We need to bring Brittany back.



Will Schuester: Great news, guys. Principal Figgins has asked us to perform at the annual back-to-school pep rally this week. Now, I understand our National Champion street cred has dropped a little bit since school started, but this is our chance to really wow them and get it back.
Joseph Hart: What are we gonna perform?
Will Schuester: Good question. We're a family in here, and when one of our family is falling down, it's up to us to get together to pick them back up.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Are we doing Britney Week again?
Will Schuester: You really came into your own during the last Britney Week. You showed us the best of Britney. Youth, energy, confidence. She inspires you, and you inspire us. So everyone prepare a Britney song for the week, and we're gonna pick one to do for the pep rally. And I've asked Blaine and Artie to give us a little taste of what we're looking for.
Blaine Anderson: This one's for you, Brittany.
Artie Abrams: # You don't understand #
# I'm so glad we're at the same place at the same time #
Blaine Anderson: # It's over now, I spotted you dancin' #
# You made all the boys stare #
# Those lips and your brown eyes #
Artie Abrams: # Ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # And the sexy hair #
# I should shake my thang #
# Make the world want you #
# Tell your girls you'll be back #
# I want to see what you can do #
Blaine & Artie: # What would it take #
# For you to just leave with me? #
# Not trying to sound conceited #
# Me and you were meant to be #
# You're a sexy girl #
# I'm a nice guy #
# Let's turn this dance floor #
# Into our own little nasty world #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
Artie Abrams: # Sometimes a girl just needs one #
Blaine Anderson: # Keep you on my arm, girl #
Artie Abrams: # To love her and to hold #
Blaine Anderson: # I can be a gentleman #
Artie Abrams: # And when a girl is with one #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
Artie Abrams: # Then she's in control #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
# So give me a chance #
# 'Cause you're all I need, girl #
Blaine & Artie: # Spend a week with your boy #
# I'll be calling you my girlfriend #
Artie Abrams: # If I was your man #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your man #
Artie Abrams: # I'd never leave you, girl #
# I just want to love and treat you right #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
Blaine & Artie: # Na na na #
# Na na na #
Blaine Anderson: # Yeah, if I was your boyfriend #
Blaine & Artie: # Na na na, na na na #
# Na na #
# Hey #
# Na na na, na na na #
# Girls #
# If I was your boyfriend #
Blaine Anderson: # Can't live with 'em #
Artie Abrams: # Can't live without 'em. #
Artie Abrams: So, Britt, what'd you think?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm once again inspired by the awesomeness of Britney. Thanks, Mr. Schue.



Rachel Berry: This place is enormous!
Kurt Hummel: God, for 1,800 bucks a month, we could get a shoebox in Manhattan or this hangar in Bushwick.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, but what's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? It looks a little shady.
Kurt Hummel: Ah, it's better than Detroit and Damascus. So what do you think? Should we take it?
Rachel Berry: Are you crazy? Living here with you instead of those dorms? It's heaven! Oh, New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's.
Kurt Hummel: It's the water.
Rachel Berry: So have you heard from Finn at all?
Kurt Hummel: Not since you asked me yesterday. He's just giving you your space.
Rachel Berry: I know.
Kurt Hummel: You want to feel nostalgic?
Rachel Berry: Mmm.
Kurt Hummel: Blaine said they're doing Britney Spears again in Glee Club.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God. It feels like such a long time ago since we've been in the choir room.
Kurt Hummel: We are living in the future, Rachel. Speaking of which, my plan.
Rachel Berry: Okay.
Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna re-audition for second semester in NYADA.
Rachel Berry: Good.
Kurt Hummel: In the meantime, I've applied for a job at the only place I feel will truly appreciate my sense of style and Vogue.com.
Rachel Berry: Perfect.
Kurt Hummel: I know it sounds crazy, But in a way I'm almost glad I didn't make it my first try. You know, I've really learned a lot about myself over the last couple months. I feel like I have a-a newfound resilience and focus.
Rachel Berry: I could really use some of that right now. My dance teacher, she just won't let up on me. The other day, she told me I wasn't sexy enough.
Kurt Hummel: Maybe you shouldn't wear a bra to your next class.
Rachel Berry: And take all of the attention away from the Ms. Cassie July? She'd flip. I can't stand her.
Kurt Hummel: Cassie July is your dance teacher? As in, the Cassie July, aka Crazy July, aka the biggest train wreck in Broadway history?
Rachel Berry: What?
Kurt Hummel: You don't know her story? Cassie July was the "It" girl ten years ago. She scored the coveted role of temptress Lola in a high-profile revival of Damn Yankees. Then, during the first preview of the out-of-town tryout,
Cassandra July: Stop... stop. Stop the music! Whose cell phone is that? I'm not going on until this rude person leaves. This performance is over until you leave! All right. Come here, old man. You want it? You want your phone? Yeah!
Rachel Berry: No wonder she's always just so angry.
Kurt Hummel: You can't give in to her. Not ever. You have to keep fighting. If she wants sexy, give her sexy.



Wade Adams: So, here's the deal. We're both new girls here, and new girls need to stick together.
Marley Rose: Cool.
Wade Adams: First orders of business, boys. Who've you got your eye on?
Marley Rose: Jake's kind of cute.
Wade Adams: Oh, honey, no. Bad seed.
Marley Rose: Come on. He's an artist.
Wade Adams: You mean pick-up artist. Marley, everywhere you go in this school, you see wreckage of girls' hearts who thought the same thing as you. And he's only been in this school for two weeks! He's even been known to troll the girls' gym class. Uh-uh. Let me be clear: he's a womanizer.
# Superstar, where you from? How's it going? #
# I know you got a clue what you're doing #
# You can play brand-new to all the other chicks out here #
# But I know what you are #
# What you are #
# Baby #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Look at you #
# Gettin' more than just a re-up #
# Baby, you got all the puppets with their strings up #
# Faking like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em #
# I know what you are, what you are, baby #
Wade Adams: # Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer #
# Oh, womanizer, Oh, you're a womanizer, baby #
# You, you, you are, You, you, you are #
# Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# Womanizer #
Tina & Wade: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
# Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # You got me going #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # You're oh so charming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # But I can't do it #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # You Womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
Wade Adams: # I know who you are... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
# You #
Wade Adams: # You say I'm crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # I got your crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You... you #
Wade Adams: # You're nothing but a womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Maybe if we both lived in a different world #
Wade Adams: # Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# No #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # It would be all good and maybe I could be your girl #
Wade Adams: # But I can't, 'cause we don't, you! #
# Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer #
# Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby #
Marley Rose: # You, you-you are, you, you-you are #
# Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# Womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Marley Rose: # Don't try #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Wade Adams: # I know #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Marley Rose: # Don't you try #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Wade Adams: # You are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You got me going #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You're oh so charming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # But I can't do it #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Wade Adams: # I know just who you are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Marley Rose: # Don't try to front #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Wade Adams: # Whoa, whoa #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Wade Adams: # You are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You say I'm crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # I got your crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You're nothing but a #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # Womanizer #
Marley Rose: # Yeah #
Jake Puckerman: We should hang out sometime.
Marley Rose: Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Wade Adams: Girl... uh-uh.



Brody Weston: 94... 95, 96, 97...
Rachel Berry: Hey, Brody! Hey!
Brody Weston: Hey, Rachel. 200,000. Hey, I miss seeing you in the showers.
Rachel Berry: I kind of need to ask you a favor.
Brody Weston: Okay.
Rachel Berry: So, Cassie said that I, uh, wasn't sexy.
Brody Weston: You're crazy sexy.
Rachel Berry: No, I'm not, but I'd really love it if you would dance with me. 'Cause there aren't enough, you know, guys in my class.
Brody Weston: Cassie doesn't allow upperclassmen to perform in her class. She would have a fit.
Rachel Berry: Got it. Got it. Sorry.
Brody Weston: Which is why it would be so much fun to do it.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three, not only you and me, got 180 degrees #
# And I'm caught in between #
# Countin' one, two, three, Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P, everybody loves counting #
# Everybody loves counting #
# Three is a charm, two is not the same #
# I don't see the harm, so are you game? #
# Let's make a team, make 'em say my name #
# Love in the extreme #
# Now are you game? #
Joseph Hart: # Are you in? #
Joseph & Tina: # Living in sin is the new thing #
Joseph Hart: # Are you in? #
Joseph & Tina: # I am counting #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three, not only you and me #
# Got 180 degrees, and I'm caught in between #
# Counting one, two, three, Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting #
Sam Evans: # What we do is innocent #
# Just for fun and nothing meant #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # If you don't like the company #
# Let's just do it, you and me #
Joseph & Tina: # Or three #
Tina, Sam & Joseph: # Or four #
Sam Evans: # On the floor #
Joseph Hart: # On the floor #
Sam Evans: # On the floor #
Joseph Hart: # On the floor #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # On the floor #
Sam Evans: # On the floor #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three not only you and me #
# Got 180 degrees, and I'm caught in between #
# Counting one, two, three #
# Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting, one, two, three #
# Peter, Paul and Mary, getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting... #
Will Schuester: Brittany, what are you doing?!
Brittany S. Pierce: Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony. If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.
Will Schuester: No!



Jacob Ben Israel: Brittany S. Pierce, what do you say to reports you've gone off the rails?
Brittany S. Pierce: Leave me alone, JBI!
Jacob Ben Israel: What's going on in your head right now?
Brittany S. Pierce: Leave me alone, JBI!
Jacob Ben Israel: What are you thinking?
Brittany S. Pierce: There's no comment! Leave me alone!
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm getting this.
Blaine Anderson: Should we do something?
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, he deserves it.
Blaine Anderson: About Brittany's downward spiral, I think the whole singing-at-her thing isn't really helping.
Artie Abrams: Probably what she misses most about Cheerios is being in the spotlight. We should give her that.
Boy: Leave her alone! Leave Brittany alone!



Will Schuester: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No scootering in the hallway. And Mr. McCarthy's physiology class is the other direction.
Jake Puckerman: I'm protesting that class on religious grounds. They make you dissect a pig, and I'm kosher.
Will Schuester: What about English and algebra and gym? I looked at your file. Seems like you're not attending them, either.
Jake Puckerman: Why are you on my back? I'm not one of your students. I'm not in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: And that was my mistake.
Jake Puckerman: No, thanks. I'm not looking to change.
Will Schuester: Your brother was a train wreck, worse than you. But even at his worst, he had a community. He had friends.
Jake Puckerman: I don't need friends.



Marley Rose: I almost didn't come. The other girls told me I was crazy for even bothering.
Jake Puckerman: You really think they're right?
Marley Rose: I think you're a guy who got hurt. And I think the hair and the guitar and the jacket are all walls for that.
Jake Puckerman: You think too much.
Marley Rose: At all my other schools, I was picked on. I tried so hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be. Just made it worse. For the first time at this school, I feel like I can just... be.
Jake Puckerman: Glee Club is so lame. What does Shyster have you guys singing?
Marley Rose: It's Britney Spears week.
Jake Puckerman: Yeah, see, I prefer music that uses actual instruments.
Marley Rose: Well, you haven't heard my version yet.
Jake Puckerman: What song is it?
Marley Rose: You Drive Me Crazy.
Jake Puckerman: I know I do.
Marley Rose: # Baby, I'm so into you #
# You got that something, what can I do? #
# Baby, you spin me around #
# The earth is moving, but I can't feel the ground #
Jake Puckerman: # Oh, that kind of lovin' #
# Turns a man to a slave #
# Oh, that kind of lovin' #
# Sends a man right to his grave #
Jake & Marley: # You know I'm crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
# Crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
Jake Puckerman: # Tell me you're so into me #
# That I'm the only one you will see, yeah #
Marley Rose: # Tell me I'm not in the blue #
Jake Puckerman: # Oh-oh #
Marley Rose: # That I'm not wastin' my feelings on you #
Jake Puckerman: # Every time I look at you #
Jake & Marley: # My heart is jumping, what can I do? #
# You drive me crazy #
Marley Rose: # I just can't sleep #
Jake Puckerman: # Crazy #
Jake & Marley: # Crazy, I'm in too deep #
# You know I'm crazy #
Marley Rose: # But it feels all right #
Jake Puckerman: # Crazy #
Jake & Marley: # Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night #
# You know I'm crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
# Crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
Jake Puckerman: You okay?
Marley Rose: Yeah, just got cold up here.
Jake Puckerman: Here.



Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki, why is everybody in the glee club staring at me?
Kiki: Because those fools are jealous.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Who's Kiki?
Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki is Siri's super smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the Laundromat.
Sam Evans: What size coffee is that?
Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki, what size coffee am I drinking?
Kiki: You're drinking a settanta; 70 ounces of espresso.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you, Kiki. You're the only one that I can trust now that Santana's too busy for me.
Joseph Hart: Brittany, we're worried about you.
Blaine Anderson: We know how hard it must have felt to get kicked off the Cheerios! We want to help you get back on your feet and start performing again.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You should be the lead performer at the pep assembly on Friday.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's great, but there's only one problem. I have to lip-sync.
Blaine Anderson: We don't lip-sync in Glee.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, my voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.
Artie Abrams: This sounds like a terrible idea.
Brittany S. Pierce: We'll record the song in advance. I'll choreograph an amazing routine without having to worry about anybody running out of breath, and Mr. Schuester will never know the difference. Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart, James Earl Jones. Kiki, is it a good idea for me to lip-sync at the pep assembly?
Kiki: It's not a good idea. It's a great idea. Can I get you another settanta?



Cassandra July: You're late. And dressed like a Walgreen's underwear model. What are you doing here, Brody?
Rachel Berry: I asked Brody to come in and help me with a little routine.
Cassandra July: And you just love helping people, don't you? Especially the ing駭ues.
Rachel Berry: And the reason why I'm dressed all Bob Fosse-chic is because I wanted to show you that I do have what it takes to be sexy. Sexy enough to play Evita, Roxie and Charity.
Cassandra July: Show me what you've prepared.
Rachel Berry: Some of the dancers are gonna help out, as well. Lights.
# I think I did it again #
# I made you believe #
# We're more than just friends #
# Oh, baby, it might seem like a crush #
# But it doesn't mean that I'm serious #
# 'Cause to lose all my senses #
# That is just so typically me #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# You see, my problem is this #
# I'm dreaming away #
# Wishing that heroes, they truly exist #
# I cry, watching the days #
# Can't you see I'm a fool #
# In so many ways #
# Oops, I did it again #
# I played with your heart #
# Got lost in the game #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Oops, you think I'm in love #
# That I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
# Oops, I did it again to your heart #
# Got lost in this game, oh, baby #
# Oops, you think that I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
# Oops, I did it again #
# I played with your heart #
# Got lost in the game #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Oops, you think I'm in love #
# That I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
So what do you think, Ms. July? Am I ready to learn the tango?
Cassandra July: Look, you can memorize a routine; so what?
Brody Weston: Rachel was incredible.
Cassandra July: You were incredible; she was okay. And that song? Garbage. Whose idea was that? You want truth? Fine. Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek. Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.
Rachel Berry: You're just jealous of me. Of all of us.
Brody Weston: Rachel, don't.
Rachel Berry: No, because we have Our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We're the future, and you're just some YouTube joke.
Cassandra July: You're done. Get out of my class. Get out of my class! Out!



Football Player: Is that all I get, Jumbo? Why so stingy?
Football Player: They must let you eat all those leftovers, huh?
Marley Rose: Quit it. That's my mom.
Football Player: Whoa! You came out of that?
Football Player: Were you an only child or do you have a twin who's still in there? Dude, imagine the size of her dumps.
Jake Puckerman: Enough. Say you're sorry, to both of them. You know what? Screw it.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on, tough guy! You're coming with me.



Will Schuester: In.
Jake Puckerman: This is garbage. Those guys suck and I'm the one being dragged to see Figgins?
Will Schuester: I'm not taking you to see Figgins.
Noah Puckerman: He's taking you to see me.
Will Schuester: Jake Puckerman, I'd like to introduce you to your brother, Noah. I'll leave you two alone.
Jake Puckerman: You look more like Dad than I do.
Noah Puckerman: He never told me about you when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom and dad arguing about a baby and some slut waitress.
Jake Puckerman: That would be my mom. Schuester called you to come and straighten me out. You're wasting your time; I'm fine. And you are not my brother.
Noah Puckerman: You think you're a badass? Nailing a bunch of chicks, beating up some punks in the cafeteria? I'm the original badass. I had my first threesome at seven, and once, I beat up a police horse.
Jake Puckerman: So what, are you gonna kick my ass if I don't get myself together?
Noah Puckerman: I know what it feels like to be scared that you're not important or smart or worth anything. We had the same dad, bro. I know what it feels like to spend all day trying to prove something to someone who's never going to give two craps about you. I rode my motorcycle, I played my axe, I banged every chick in this place twice, and you know what, none of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen. Them and Mr. Schue made me a man. And if you come in here, it'll make you one, too. Think about it for a couple days. I got to get back to L.A. I got a date with the chick who was third runner-up on The Bachelor. One thing. Whether you join Glee Club or not, you're my brother.



Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Shh. Welcome, children, to McKinley High's annual fall assembly, where we gather to celebrate teen pep. Before we begin, a few announcements. First and foremost, I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue. And now, without further ado, it's time for a performance of music to be enjoyed by all.
Blaine Anderson: Brittany, shouldn't you be stretching or warming up or something?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you need a baby wipe? You have Cheeto hands and Cheeto mouth.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm fine, thank you.
Principal Figgins: It is my honor to introduce McKinley High's New Directions!
Brittany S. Pierce: It's Britney, bitch.
# I see you #
# And I just wanna dance with you #
# Every time they turn the lights down #
# Just wanna go that extra mile for you #
# You got my display of affection #
# Feels like no one else in the room but you #
# We can get down like there's no one around #
# We keep on rocking, we keep on rocking #
# Oh, are you? #
# Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing #
# They keep watching, they keep watching #
# Feels like the crowd is saying #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
Kitty: They're lip-syncing!
Stoner Brett: J'accuse!
Brittany S. Pierce: # I just can't #
# Control myself #
# They want more? #
# Well, I'll give them more #



Will Schuester: In the 58-year history of the William McKinley High School Glee Club, there has never been such a debacle! We do not lip-sync ever!
Blaine Anderson: We're sorry, Mr. Schue. We were just trying to help Brittany out...
Will Schuester: Lip-syncing is the equivalent of blood doping in professional sports! Every gain we've made in the last three years has been wiped out. And I'm not just talking about our reputation here at McKinley. If the National Show Choir Board of Review gets wind of this, we could be barred from competing. What do you have to say for yourself, Brittany?
Brittany S. Pierce: To quote the legend herself, "If I met me, I would say a quick hello and then think I was a really nice girl." And I resign from Glee Club, effective immediately.



Cassandra July: I'm working.
Rachel Berry: I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. All those things that I said to you, they were completely wrong and-and out of line. I felt like you were picking on me for no reason.
Cassandra July: Stop... talking. Look... you lost it and you lashed out, same as I did ten years ago. Except, all it took for you to snap was a little honest feedback in... excuse me... dance class. And you expect to make it on Broadway? Where all there is is scrutiny and judgment?
Rachel Berry: I'm really sorry...
Cassandra July: And what if someone taped Your little outburst and then posted it on the Internet? You'd never get cast. You have one chance. You screw it up, you're done. You're that crazy actress. And why would anybody want to work with you?
Rachel Berry: Because you're good.
Cassandra July: I was great. But it doesn't make a difference, because I wasn't ready for the pressure. Believe me, it's a whole lot more vicious out there than it is in here. That's why I pick on my students. I want them to be ready.
Rachel Berry: Well, I-I know that I'm not there yet.
Cassandra July: Not even close. And if I had my choice, I wouldn't let you back in my class. I don't believe in second chances. I know they don't exist. Unfortunately for me, school policy says you get a warning.
Rachel Berry: So...
Cassandra July: So you're in, and on probation and dance belt duty. Hand-washed, all of them. You're dismissed, Schwimmer. Don't forget the hamper on your way out.



Brittany S. Pierce: Four, five, six, seven... I got your note to come meet you here. Thanks for drawing the map.
Sam Evans: Yeah, I always keep it in my pocket in case someone steals my compass. Look, I know what you're up to. The lip-syncing, beating up Jacob Ben Israel. You're intentionally hitting rock bottom.
Brittany S. Pierce: So I can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney. I mean, look at her. She got paid $14 million to be on X Factor. She looks great. She has an amazing perfume you can smell from miles away. No matter what happened to her, she just came back stronger.
Sam Evans: Right. Consider this the last stop on the Train Wreck Express... an intervention.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you. I'm so ready to come back. I'm just so sad that everybody's so mad at me.
Sam Evans: I just think they didn't understand what you were up to.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. But you did.
Sam Evans: I think we just think the same.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, it's probably because we're both blonde.
Sam Evans: You okay? You still seem kind of bummed.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. Santana would have understood. And then she would have used mean words against anyone who got down on me.
Sam Evans: You miss her, huh?
Brittany S. Pierce: I just miss, like, the little things, like her laugh and the smell of her armpits. Yes, we had interesting lady sex, but she was also my best friend.
Sam Evans: Well, now you have a new friend, and he's blond. I'm talking about me. Now you just got to figure out a way to get back on the Cheerios!
Brittany S. Pierce: It's all part of the comeback.



Brittany S. Pierce: I am here to inform you of your legal requirement to restore my high pony and put me back on the Cheerios!
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?
Brittany S. Pierce: I studied the McKinley High Student Council Charter, and it says that the senior class president continues his term until he or she graduates, which... I never graduated, so, technically, I'm still president. I drafted an executive order demanding that Brittany S. Pierce be reinstated as a member in good standing of the McKinley High Cheerios!
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, take a seat. This is clearly the plan of an idiot. But a plan nonetheless, and one that required the barest modicum of human logic which, frankly, I thought was beyond you. If you want to be back on the Cheerios!, I want you to graduate by the end of the year. And that means you're going to have to turn those grades around.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm already working on that. Mr. Schuester eventually realized that my lip-syncing was a cry for help and wanted to step up and take action. He and Miss Pillsbury are spending one afternoon a week tutoring me.



Brittany S. Pierce: Barack Obama.
Will Schuester: Um-hmm.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. Glenn Close.
Will Schuester: Oh, good effort, Britt. Baby steps.



Brittany S. Pierce: I got a C-minus on my U.S. History exam, which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, welcome back.
Brittany S. Pierce: Meep-zorp flurm-gloob.



Rachel Berry: What do you think? Am I being too obvious?
Kurt Hummel: He hasn't called you because he loves you, not because he's forgotten about you. Your freedom is a gift he's given you... accept it.
Rachel Berry: I know. It's just so much freedom all at once that it's starting to feel like severe loneliness.
Kurt Hummel: The only cure to loneliness is cake. There's a great Italian bakery down the street.
Rachel Berry: You don't mind going out at night?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, no, it's cool. I guess if I just, you know, walk around like a crazy person yelling at things and twitching, people will keep their distance. Well, hello there, kind sir.
Brody Weston: Hey. Uh, I'm Brody.
Kurt Hummel: I'm Kurt.
Rachel Berry: Hi.
Kurt Hummel: I was just going to go get some cake. Uh... I'll leave you two alone.
Rachel Berry: Sorry.
Brody Weston: Wow. This is huge.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Brody Weston: Too bad it took me 45 minutes on the train to get here. I've lived here for three years, and I didn't even know there was a "J" train.
Rachel Berry: Wait, you took the train for 45 minutes just to come and see me?
Brody Weston: Yep. Sandwiched between some guy who said he was Jesus and two German tourists who were very lost. But I came here to give you this orchid. Apparently, it's good luck in a new place. And they're kind of sexy... for a plant.
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Brody Weston: Oh, and I, uh... I wanted to tell you something that didn't feel appropriate over text.
Rachel Berry: What?
Brody Weston: That I... I really liked dancing with you. And I think that you... I think that you're really sexy. And...
Rachel Berry: Oh... I can't. I think you are amazing and-and-and... very, very, very sexy. I just...
Brody Weston: You're still in love with your boyfriend. Here's the thing... I... I will respect your boundaries, but just know that when we're together, whatever we're talking about, whatever we're doing, I'm thinking of kissing you. Enjoy the orchid.



Jake Puckerman: Uh, you think I could sit next to you in Glee Club? I don't know anybody else.
Marley Rose: So you're going to join? I didn't realize I had that powerful of an effect on you.
Jake Puckerman: It wasn't you. Well, it-it helped. I just... I don't know. I get these feelings sometimes to punch someone or steal a cop car or kiss someone, and I hear Glee Club might help them go away. Even though it totally sucks balls.
Marley Rose: I promise, it's not that bad. Just stick with me, and I'll help you get through it.
Jake Puckerman: It's nice to have a friend looking out for me.
Marley Rose: Well, I owe you for what you did for my mom. Oh, I just realized I'm still wearing your jacket.
Jake Puckerman: Looks pretty good on you.
Kitty: I bet it looks better on me. We're dating now. Didn't Jake tell you?
Marley Rose: No, he didn't.
Jake Puckerman: Well, uh, it's not really my style to put a label on things.
Marley Rose: You two make a great couple. Bye.



Will Schuester: All right. Okay, let's give a big New Directions! welcome to Jake Puckerman.
Sam Evans: Hey, dude. Uh, me and your bro were practically best friends. Is it weird that I know him a lot better than you?
Joseph Hart: Welcome, bro. God made you, and God doesn't make mistakes.
Marley Rose: Mr. Schuester.
Will Schuester: Yeah, Marley.
Marley Rose: If it's all right, I'd like to sing one last Britney song.
Artie Abrams: Did that come out this morning? 'Cause we've scraped the bottom of that Britney barrel.
Marley Rose: Not exactly. This is one of my favorites songs.
# Notice me #
# Take my hand #
# Why are we #
# Strangers when #
# Our love is strong? #
# Why carry on without me? #
# Every time I try to fly I fall #
# Without my wings I feel so small #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# And every time I see you in my dreams #
# I see your face, you're haunting me #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# I may have made it rain #
# Please forgive me #
# My weakness caused you pain #
# And this song's my sorry #
# At night I pray #
# That soon your face #
# Will fade away #
# And every time I try to fly I fall #
# Without my wings I feel so small #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# And every time I see you in my dreams #
# I see your face, you're haunting me #
# I guess I need you, baby. #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Rachel's in New York, and her new friend Brody is way hot, but Finn's still M.I.A, and her dance teacher Cassandra totally hates her guts. Thank God Kurt showed up, so now they can be classic New York roommates and shop for shoes and stuff. There's a new girl in Glee Club named Marley, and she could be the next big thing. So could this kid Jake, and it turns out he's Puck's half brother and Puck totally doesn't know about him. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Brittany S. Pierce: My name is Brittany S. Pierce, and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole, because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome, and now I get to relive every minute of it. I'm head Cheerio!, vice-Rachel of the glee club, and now I'm planning a Middle East style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.
Blaine Anderson: Brittany, who are you talking to?
Brittany S. Pierce: I thought I was doing a voice-over.
Blaine Anderson: Okay.
Brittany S. Pierce: It was kind of a rough summer. I really miss Santana, but... for now, all I have to say is... It's Brittany, bitch.



Brittany S. Pierce: # Hey #
# Over there #
# Please forgive me #
# If I'm coming on too strong #
# Hate to stare #
# But you're winning #
# And they're playing my favorite song #
# So, come here #
# A little closer #
# Wanna whisper in your ear #
# Make it clear #
# Little question #
# Wanna know #
# Just how you feel #
# If I said my heart #
# Was beating loud #
# If we could escape the crowd somehow #
# If I said I want your body now #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# 'Cause you feel #
# Like paradise #
# And I need a vacation tonight #
# So if I said I want your body now #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# If I said I want your body #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# Give me something good #
# Don't want to wait, I want it now #
Cheerios: # N-N-Now, now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Pop it like a hood #
# And show me how you work it out #
Cheerios: # If I said my heart was beating loud #
# If I said I want your body now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Would you hold it against me? #
# If I said my heart was beating loud #
# Would you hold it against me? #
Sue Sylvester: Well, that was just garbage. Garbage wrapped in skin. Brittany, my office... now!



Sue Sylvester: Brittany, I'm afraid it's time for a little tough love. I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C-plus. Now, your performance, very same exam, unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade... F-minus. You answered every question with "see other side," where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled "Happyville." "The town where math was never invented."
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, that's me, and that's Santana, and that's Kurt and Rachel in Heaven. And, look, that's you.
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, You're a terrible role model for the Cheerios! Last year, I was lost in a haze of pregnancy hormones, and I allowed your record breaking GPA to slide. The Cheerios grade point average has dropped three full points. My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal, and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's 'cause I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, You're off the Cheerios! I'm giving the top spot to Kitty. I'm afraid you're going to have to lose the high pony.
Brittany S. Pierce: Tough love feels a lot like "mean."



Santana Lopez: Britt, I'm so sorry Sue was so mean to you. I wish I was there to make it all better.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, me too. Do you think we could scissor-Skype later?
Santana Lopez: I've got cheer practice every night till midnight, until homecoming. Look, I love you, Britt, but I'm so late. I got to go, okay? I'll text you if we get a break.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Have fun.
Santana Lopez: Okay, bye.
Brittany S. Pierce: Bye. I'm not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.



Cassandra July: The tango. You have to have it in your arsenal, people. The first thing you need to understand is it's all about sex. When you are dancing the tango with someone, you're seducing them. Partner up. We're gonna start with abrazo, the embrace. Not you, Schwimmer. Keep practicing those jazz hands back in the corner.
Rachel Berry: Wait... but I... Ms. July... I'm sorry, um... if I'm ever gonna play Evita, I'm gonna have to learn how to tango.
Cassandra July: We're short a boy, so a girl needs to sit out. And you don't have enough sex appeal to pull off a credible tango. You're awkward and tentative in your body, and you move like you're ashamed of it. Arms up! Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.



Brittany S. Pierce: Sorry I'm late. Someone stole my compass. I can't wear my Cheerios! uniform anymore, so I got this outfit in the lost and found.
Will Schuester: Take a seat, Britt.
Brittany S. Pierce: Am I getting kicked off the glee club, too?
Will Schuester: Of course not. We're just really concerned about you.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Um... Brittany, you know you've had some setbacks lately, and, um, it looks like you might be feeling a little bit blue.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's okay. I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.
Will Schuester: Brittany, I-I think you and Emma should meet daily for a while. I think you've underestimated the impact being held back has had on you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, thanks, But I don't really have any time. After school, I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon, and then watching The Client List marathon. And with that, I said good-bye, and swooped out the doorway, my voice-over continuing down the hallway.
Will Schuester: Okay, what was that?
Emma Pillsbury: You know, everything's been taken away from her. She doesn't have anything to hold onto. Clearly, she's lost her identity. We need to bring Brittany back.



Will Schuester: Great news, guys. Principal Figgins has asked us to perform at the annual back-to-school pep rally this week. Now, I understand our National Champion street cred has dropped a little bit since school started, but this is our chance to really wow them and get it back.
Joseph Hart: What are we gonna perform?
Will Schuester: Good question. We're a family in here, and when one of our family is falling down, it's up to us to get together to pick them back up.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Are we doing Britney Week again?
Will Schuester: You really came into your own during the last Britney Week. You showed us the best of Britney. Youth, energy, confidence. She inspires you, and you inspire us. So everyone prepare a Britney song for the week, and we're gonna pick one to do for the pep rally. And I've asked Blaine and Artie to give us a little taste of what we're looking for.
Blaine Anderson: This one's for you, Brittany.
Artie Abrams: # You don't understand #
# I'm so glad we're at the same place at the same time #
Blaine Anderson: # It's over now, I spotted you dancin' #
# You made all the boys stare #
# Those lips and your brown eyes #
Artie Abrams: # Ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # And the sexy hair #
# I should shake my thang #
# Make the world want you #
# Tell your girls you'll be back #
# I want to see what you can do #
Blaine & Artie: # What would it take #
# For you to just leave with me? #
# Not trying to sound conceited #
# Me and you were meant to be #
# You're a sexy girl #
# I'm a nice guy #
# Let's turn this dance floor #
# Into our own little nasty world #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
Artie Abrams: # Sometimes a girl just needs one #
Blaine Anderson: # Keep you on my arm, girl #
Artie Abrams: # To love her and to hold #
Blaine Anderson: # I can be a gentleman #
Artie Abrams: # And when a girl is with one #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
Artie Abrams: # Then she's in control #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
# So give me a chance #
# 'Cause you're all I need, girl #
Blaine & Artie: # Spend a week with your boy #
# I'll be calling you my girlfriend #
Artie Abrams: # If I was your man #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your man #
Artie Abrams: # I'd never leave you, girl #
# I just want to love and treat you right #
Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
Blaine & Artie: # Na na na #
# Na na na #
Blaine Anderson: # Yeah, if I was your boyfriend #
Blaine & Artie: # Na na na, na na na #
# Na na #
# Hey #
# Na na na, na na na #
# Girls #
# If I was your boyfriend #
Blaine Anderson: # Can't live with 'em #
Artie Abrams: # Can't live without 'em. #
Artie Abrams: So, Britt, what'd you think?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm once again inspired by the awesomeness of Britney. Thanks, Mr. Schue.



Rachel Berry: This place is enormous!
Kurt Hummel: God, for 1,800 bucks a month, we could get a shoebox in Manhattan or this hangar in Bushwick.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, but what's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? It looks a little shady.
Kurt Hummel: Ah, it's better than Detroit and Damascus. So what do you think? Should we take it?
Rachel Berry: Are you crazy? Living here with you instead of those dorms? It's heaven! Oh, New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's.
Kurt Hummel: It's the water.
Rachel Berry: So have you heard from Finn at all?
Kurt Hummel: Not since you asked me yesterday. He's just giving you your space.
Rachel Berry: I know.
Kurt Hummel: You want to feel nostalgic?
Rachel Berry: Mmm.
Kurt Hummel: Blaine said they're doing Britney Spears again in Glee Club.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God. It feels like such a long time ago since we've been in the choir room.
Kurt Hummel: We are living in the future, Rachel. Speaking of which, my plan.
Rachel Berry: Okay.
Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna re-audition for second semester in NYADA.
Rachel Berry: Good.
Kurt Hummel: In the meantime, I've applied for a job at the only place I feel will truly appreciate my sense of style and Vogue.com.
Rachel Berry: Perfect.
Kurt Hummel: I know it sounds crazy, But in a way I'm almost glad I didn't make it my first try. You know, I've really learned a lot about myself over the last couple months. I feel like I have a-a newfound resilience and focus.
Rachel Berry: I could really use some of that right now. My dance teacher, she just won't let up on me. The other day, she told me I wasn't sexy enough.
Kurt Hummel: Maybe you shouldn't wear a bra to your next class.
Rachel Berry: And take all of the attention away from the Ms. Cassie July? She'd flip. I can't stand her.
Kurt Hummel: Cassie July is your dance teacher? As in, the Cassie July, aka Crazy July, aka the biggest train wreck in Broadway history?
Rachel Berry: What?
Kurt Hummel: You don't know her story? Cassie July was the "It" girl ten years ago. She scored the coveted role of temptress Lola in a high-profile revival of Damn Yankees. Then, during the first preview of the out-of-town tryout,
Cassandra July: Stop... stop. Stop the music! Whose cell phone is that? I'm not going on until this rude person leaves. This performance is over until you leave! All right. Come here, old man. You want it? You want your phone? Yeah!
Rachel Berry: No wonder she's always just so angry.
Kurt Hummel: You can't give in to her. Not ever. You have to keep fighting. If she wants sexy, give her sexy.



Wade Adams: So, here's the deal. We're both new girls here, and new girls need to stick together.
Marley Rose: Cool.
Wade Adams: First orders of business, boys. Who've you got your eye on?
Marley Rose: Jake's kind of cute.
Wade Adams: Oh, honey, no. Bad seed.
Marley Rose: Come on. He's an artist.
Wade Adams: You mean pick-up artist. Marley, everywhere you go in this school, you see wreckage of girls' hearts who thought the same thing as you. And he's only been in this school for two weeks! He's even been known to troll the girls' gym class. Uh-uh. Let me be clear: he's a womanizer.
# Superstar, where you from? How's it going? #
# I know you got a clue what you're doing #
# You can play brand-new to all the other chicks out here #
# But I know what you are #
# What you are #
# Baby #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Look at you #
# Gettin' more than just a re-up #
# Baby, you got all the puppets with their strings up #
# Faking like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em #
# I know what you are, what you are, baby #
Wade Adams: # Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer #
# Oh, womanizer, Oh, you're a womanizer, baby #
# You, you, you are, You, you, you are #
# Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# Womanizer #
Tina & Wade: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
# Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # You got me going #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # You're oh so charming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # But I can't do it #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # You Womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
Wade Adams: # I know who you are... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
# You #
Wade Adams: # You say I'm crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # I got your crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You... you #
Wade Adams: # You're nothing but a womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Maybe if we both lived in a different world #
Wade Adams: # Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# No #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # It would be all good and maybe I could be your girl #
Wade Adams: # But I can't, 'cause we don't, you! #
# Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer #
# Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby #
Marley Rose: # You, you-you are, you, you-you are #
# Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# Womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Marley Rose: # Don't try #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Wade Adams: # I know #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Marley Rose: # Don't you try #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Wade Adams: # You are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You got me going #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You're oh so charming #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # But I can't do it #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You womanizer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Wade Adams: # I know just who you are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Marley Rose: # Don't try to front #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
Wade Adams: # Whoa, whoa #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #
Wade Adams: # You are #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You say I'm crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # I got your crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Marley Rose: # You're nothing but a #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #
Wade Adams: # Womanizer #
Marley Rose: # Yeah #
Jake Puckerman: We should hang out sometime.
Marley Rose: Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Wade Adams: Girl... uh-uh.



Brody Weston: 94... 95, 96, 97...
Rachel Berry: Hey, Brody! Hey!
Brody Weston: Hey, Rachel. 200,000. Hey, I miss seeing you in the showers.
Rachel Berry: I kind of need to ask you a favor.
Brody Weston: Okay.
Rachel Berry: So, Cassie said that I, uh, wasn't sexy.
Brody Weston: You're crazy sexy.
Rachel Berry: No, I'm not, but I'd really love it if you would dance with me. 'Cause there aren't enough, you know, guys in my class.
Brody Weston: Cassie doesn't allow upperclassmen to perform in her class. She would have a fit.
Rachel Berry: Got it. Got it. Sorry.
Brody Weston: Which is why it would be so much fun to do it.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three, not only you and me, got 180 degrees #
# And I'm caught in between #
# Countin' one, two, three, Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P, everybody loves counting #
# Everybody loves counting #
# Three is a charm, two is not the same #
# I don't see the harm, so are you game? #
# Let's make a team, make 'em say my name #
# Love in the extreme #
# Now are you game? #
Joseph Hart: # Are you in? #
Joseph & Tina: # Living in sin is the new thing #
Joseph Hart: # Are you in? #
Joseph & Tina: # I am counting #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three, not only you and me #
# Got 180 degrees, and I'm caught in between #
# Counting one, two, three, Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting #
Sam Evans: # What we do is innocent #
# Just for fun and nothing meant #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # If you don't like the company #
# Let's just do it, you and me #
Joseph & Tina: # Or three #
Tina, Sam & Joseph: # Or four #
Sam Evans: # On the floor #
Joseph Hart: # On the floor #
Sam Evans: # On the floor #
Joseph Hart: # On the floor #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # On the floor #
Sam Evans: # On the floor #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three not only you and me #
# Got 180 degrees, and I'm caught in between #
# Counting one, two, three #
# Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting, one, two, three #
# Peter, Paul and Mary, getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting... #
Will Schuester: Brittany, what are you doing?!
Brittany S. Pierce: Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony. If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.
Will Schuester: No!



Jacob Ben Israel: Brittany S. Pierce, what do you say to reports you've gone off the rails?
Brittany S. Pierce: Leave me alone, JBI!
Jacob Ben Israel: What's going on in your head right now?
Brittany S. Pierce: Leave me alone, JBI!
Jacob Ben Israel: What are you thinking?
Brittany S. Pierce: There's no comment! Leave me alone!
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm getting this.
Blaine Anderson: Should we do something?
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, he deserves it.
Blaine Anderson: About Brittany's downward spiral, I think the whole singing-at-her thing isn't really helping.
Artie Abrams: Probably what she misses most about Cheerios is being in the spotlight. We should give her that.
Boy: Leave her alone! Leave Brittany alone!



Will Schuester: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No scootering in the hallway. And Mr. McCarthy's physiology class is the other direction.
Jake Puckerman: I'm protesting that class on religious grounds. They make you dissect a pig, and I'm kosher.
Will Schuester: What about English and algebra and gym? I looked at your file. Seems like you're not attending them, either.
Jake Puckerman: Why are you on my back? I'm not one of your students. I'm not in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: And that was my mistake.
Jake Puckerman: No, thanks. I'm not looking to change.
Will Schuester: Your brother was a train wreck, worse than you. But even at his worst, he had a community. He had friends.
Jake Puckerman: I don't need friends.



Marley Rose: I almost didn't come. The other girls told me I was crazy for even bothering.
Jake Puckerman: You really think they're right?
Marley Rose: I think you're a guy who got hurt. And I think the hair and the guitar and the jacket are all walls for that.
Jake Puckerman: You think too much.
Marley Rose: At all my other schools, I was picked on. I tried so hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be. Just made it worse. For the first time at this school, I feel like I can just... be.
Jake Puckerman: Glee Club is so lame. What does Shyster have you guys singing?
Marley Rose: It's Britney Spears week.
Jake Puckerman: Yeah, see, I prefer music that uses actual instruments.
Marley Rose: Well, you haven't heard my version yet.
Jake Puckerman: What song is it?
Marley Rose: You Drive Me Crazy.
Jake Puckerman: I know I do.
Marley Rose: # Baby, I'm so into you #
# You got that something, what can I do? #
# Baby, you spin me around #
# The earth is moving, but I can't feel the ground #
Jake Puckerman: # Oh, that kind of lovin' #
# Turns a man to a slave #
# Oh, that kind of lovin' #
# Sends a man right to his grave #
Jake & Marley: # You know I'm crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
# Crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
Jake Puckerman: # Tell me you're so into me #
# That I'm the only one you will see, yeah #
Marley Rose: # Tell me I'm not in the blue #
Jake Puckerman: # Oh-oh #
Marley Rose: # That I'm not wastin' my feelings on you #
Jake Puckerman: # Every time I look at you #
Jake & Marley: # My heart is jumping, what can I do? #
# You drive me crazy #
Marley Rose: # I just can't sleep #
Jake Puckerman: # Crazy #
Jake & Marley: # Crazy, I'm in too deep #
# You know I'm crazy #
Marley Rose: # But it feels all right #
Jake Puckerman: # Crazy #
Jake & Marley: # Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night #
# You know I'm crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
# Crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
Jake Puckerman: You okay?
Marley Rose: Yeah, just got cold up here.
Jake Puckerman: Here.



Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki, why is everybody in the glee club staring at me?
Kiki: Because those fools are jealous.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Who's Kiki?
Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki is Siri's super smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the Laundromat.
Sam Evans: What size coffee is that?
Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki, what size coffee am I drinking?
Kiki: You're drinking a settanta; 70 ounces of espresso.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you, Kiki. You're the only one that I can trust now that Santana's too busy for me.
Joseph Hart: Brittany, we're worried about you.
Blaine Anderson: We know how hard it must have felt to get kicked off the Cheerios! We want to help you get back on your feet and start performing again.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You should be the lead performer at the pep assembly on Friday.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's great, but there's only one problem. I have to lip-sync.
Blaine Anderson: We don't lip-sync in Glee.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, my voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.
Artie Abrams: This sounds like a terrible idea.
Brittany S. Pierce: We'll record the song in advance. I'll choreograph an amazing routine without having to worry about anybody running out of breath, and Mr. Schuester will never know the difference. Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart, James Earl Jones. Kiki, is it a good idea for me to lip-sync at the pep assembly?
Kiki: It's not a good idea. It's a great idea. Can I get you another settanta?



Cassandra July: You're late. And dressed like a Walgreen's underwear model. What are you doing here, Brody?
Rachel Berry: I asked Brody to come in and help me with a little routine.
Cassandra July: And you just love helping people, don't you? Especially the ing駭ues.
Rachel Berry: And the reason why I'm dressed all Bob Fosse-chic is because I wanted to show you that I do have what it takes to be sexy. Sexy enough to play Evita, Roxie and Charity.
Cassandra July: Show me what you've prepared.
Rachel Berry: Some of the dancers are gonna help out, as well. Lights.
# I think I did it again #
# I made you believe #
# We're more than just friends #
# Oh, baby, it might seem like a crush #
# But it doesn't mean that I'm serious #
# 'Cause to lose all my senses #
# That is just so typically me #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# You see, my problem is this #
# I'm dreaming away #
# Wishing that heroes, they truly exist #
# I cry, watching the days #
# Can't you see I'm a fool #
# In so many ways #
# Oops, I did it again #
# I played with your heart #
# Got lost in the game #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Oops, you think I'm in love #
# That I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
# Oops, I did it again to your heart #
# Got lost in this game, oh, baby #
# Oops, you think that I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
# Oops, I did it again #
# I played with your heart #
# Got lost in the game #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Oops, you think I'm in love #
# That I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
So what do you think, Ms. July? Am I ready to learn the tango?
Cassandra July: Look, you can memorize a routine; so what?
Brody Weston: Rachel was incredible.
Cassandra July: You were incredible; she was okay. And that song? Garbage. Whose idea was that? You want truth? Fine. Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek. Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.
Rachel Berry: You're just jealous of me. Of all of us.
Brody Weston: Rachel, don't.
Rachel Berry: No, because we have Our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We're the future, and you're just some YouTube joke.
Cassandra July: You're done. Get out of my class. Get out of my class! Out!



Football Player: Is that all I get, Jumbo? Why so stingy?
Football Player: They must let you eat all those leftovers, huh?
Marley Rose: Quit it. That's my mom.
Football Player: Whoa! You came out of that?
Football Player: Were you an only child or do you have a twin who's still in there? Dude, imagine the size of her dumps.
Jake Puckerman: Enough. Say you're sorry, to both of them. You know what? Screw it.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on, tough guy! You're coming with me.



Will Schuester: In.
Jake Puckerman: This is garbage. Those guys suck and I'm the one being dragged to see Figgins?
Will Schuester: I'm not taking you to see Figgins.
Noah Puckerman: He's taking you to see me.
Will Schuester: Jake Puckerman, I'd like to introduce you to your brother, Noah. I'll leave you two alone.
Jake Puckerman: You look more like Dad than I do.
Noah Puckerman: He never told me about you when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom and dad arguing about a baby and some slut waitress.
Jake Puckerman: That would be my mom. Schuester called you to come and straighten me out. You're wasting your time; I'm fine. And you are not my brother.
Noah Puckerman: You think you're a badass? Nailing a bunch of chicks, beating up some punks in the cafeteria? I'm the original badass. I had my first threesome at seven, and once, I beat up a police horse.
Jake Puckerman: So what, are you gonna kick my ass if I don't get myself together?
Noah Puckerman: I know what it feels like to be scared that you're not important or smart or worth anything. We had the same dad, bro. I know what it feels like to spend all day trying to prove something to someone who's never going to give two craps about you. I rode my motorcycle, I played my axe, I banged every chick in this place twice, and you know what, none of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen. Them and Mr. Schue made me a man. And if you come in here, it'll make you one, too. Think about it for a couple days. I got to get back to L.A. I got a date with the chick who was third runner-up on The Bachelor. One thing. Whether you join Glee Club or not, you're my brother.



Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Shh. Welcome, children, to McKinley High's annual fall assembly, where we gather to celebrate teen pep. Before we begin, a few announcements. First and foremost, I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue. And now, without further ado, it's time for a performance of music to be enjoyed by all.
Blaine Anderson: Brittany, shouldn't you be stretching or warming up or something?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you need a baby wipe? You have Cheeto hands and Cheeto mouth.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm fine, thank you.
Principal Figgins: It is my honor to introduce McKinley High's New Directions!
Brittany S. Pierce: It's Britney, bitch.
# I see you #
# And I just wanna dance with you #
# Every time they turn the lights down #
# Just wanna go that extra mile for you #
# You got my display of affection #
# Feels like no one else in the room but you #
# We can get down like there's no one around #
# We keep on rocking, we keep on rocking #
# Oh, are you? #
# Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing #
# They keep watching, they keep watching #
# Feels like the crowd is saying #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
Kitty: They're lip-syncing!
Stoner Brett: J'accuse!
Brittany S. Pierce: # I just can't #
# Control myself #
# They want more? #
# Well, I'll give them more #



Will Schuester: In the 58-year history of the William McKinley High School Glee Club, there has never been such a debacle! We do not lip-sync ever!
Blaine Anderson: We're sorry, Mr. Schue. We were just trying to help Brittany out...
Will Schuester: Lip-syncing is the equivalent of blood doping in professional sports! Every gain we've made in the last three years has been wiped out. And I'm not just talking about our reputation here at McKinley. If the National Show Choir Board of Review gets wind of this, we could be barred from competing. What do you have to say for yourself, Brittany?
Brittany S. Pierce: To quote the legend herself, "If I met me, I would say a quick hello and then think I was a really nice girl." And I resign from Glee Club, effective immediately.



Cassandra July: I'm working.
Rachel Berry: I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. All those things that I said to you, they were completely wrong and-and out of line. I felt like you were picking on me for no reason.
Cassandra July: Stop... talking. Look... you lost it and you lashed out, same as I did ten years ago. Except, all it took for you to snap was a little honest feedback in... excuse me... dance class. And you expect to make it on Broadway? Where all there is is scrutiny and judgment?
Rachel Berry: I'm really sorry...
Cassandra July: And what if someone taped Your little outburst and then posted it on the Internet? You'd never get cast. You have one chance. You screw it up, you're done. You're that crazy actress. And why would anybody want to work with you?
Rachel Berry: Because you're good.
Cassandra July: I was great. But it doesn't make a difference, because I wasn't ready for the pressure. Believe me, it's a whole lot more vicious out there than it is in here. That's why I pick on my students. I want them to be ready.
Rachel Berry: Well, I-I know that I'm not there yet.
Cassandra July: Not even close. And if I had my choice, I wouldn't let you back in my class. I don't believe in second chances. I know they don't exist. Unfortunately for me, school policy says you get a warning.
Rachel Berry: So...
Cassandra July: So you're in, and on probation and dance belt duty. Hand-washed, all of them. You're dismissed, Schwimmer. Don't forget the hamper on your way out.



Brittany S. Pierce: Four, five, six, seven... I got your note to come meet you here. Thanks for drawing the map.
Sam Evans: Yeah, I always keep it in my pocket in case someone steals my compass. Look, I know what you're up to. The lip-syncing, beating up Jacob Ben Israel. You're intentionally hitting rock bottom.
Brittany S. Pierce: So I can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney. I mean, look at her. She got paid $14 million to be on X Factor. She looks great. She has an amazing perfume you can smell from miles away. No matter what happened to her, she just came back stronger.
Sam Evans: Right. Consider this the last stop on the Train Wreck Express... an intervention.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you. I'm so ready to come back. I'm just so sad that everybody's so mad at me.
Sam Evans: I just think they didn't understand what you were up to.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. But you did.
Sam Evans: I think we just think the same.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, it's probably because we're both blonde.
Sam Evans: You okay? You still seem kind of bummed.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. Santana would have understood. And then she would have used mean words against anyone who got down on me.
Sam Evans: You miss her, huh?
Brittany S. Pierce: I just miss, like, the little things, like her laugh and the smell of her armpits. Yes, we had interesting lady sex, but she was also my best friend.
Sam Evans: Well, now you have a new friend, and he's blond. I'm talking about me. Now you just got to figure out a way to get back on the Cheerios!
Brittany S. Pierce: It's all part of the comeback.



Brittany S. Pierce: I am here to inform you of your legal requirement to restore my high pony and put me back on the Cheerios!
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?
Brittany S. Pierce: I studied the McKinley High Student Council Charter, and it says that the senior class president continues his term until he or she graduates, which... I never graduated, so, technically, I'm still president. I drafted an executive order demanding that Brittany S. Pierce be reinstated as a member in good standing of the McKinley High Cheerios!
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, take a seat. This is clearly the plan of an idiot. But a plan nonetheless, and one that required the barest modicum of human logic which, frankly, I thought was beyond you. If you want to be back on the Cheerios!, I want you to graduate by the end of the year. And that means you're going to have to turn those grades around.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm already working on that. Mr. Schuester eventually realized that my lip-syncing was a cry for help and wanted to step up and take action. He and Miss Pillsbury are spending one afternoon a week tutoring me.



Brittany S. Pierce: Barack Obama.
Will Schuester: Um-hmm.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. Glenn Close.
Will Schuester: Oh, good effort, Britt. Baby steps.



Brittany S. Pierce: I got a C-minus on my U.S. History exam, which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.
Sue Sylvester: Brittany, welcome back.
Brittany S. Pierce: Meep-zorp flurm-gloob.



Rachel Berry: What do you think? Am I being too obvious?
Kurt Hummel: He hasn't called you because he loves you, not because he's forgotten about you. Your freedom is a gift he's given you... accept it.
Rachel Berry: I know. It's just so much freedom all at once that it's starting to feel like severe loneliness.
Kurt Hummel: The only cure to loneliness is cake. There's a great Italian bakery down the street.
Rachel Berry: You don't mind going out at night?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, no, it's cool. I guess if I just, you know, walk around like a crazy person yelling at things and twitching, people will keep their distance. Well, hello there, kind sir.
Brody Weston: Hey. Uh, I'm Brody.
Kurt Hummel: I'm Kurt.
Rachel Berry: Hi.
Kurt Hummel: I was just going to go get some cake. Uh... I'll leave you two alone.
Rachel Berry: Sorry.
Brody Weston: Wow. This is huge.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Brody Weston: Too bad it took me 45 minutes on the train to get here. I've lived here for three years, and I didn't even know there was a "J" train.
Rachel Berry: Wait, you took the train for 45 minutes just to come and see me?
Brody Weston: Yep. Sandwiched between some guy who said he was Jesus and two German tourists who were very lost. But I came here to give you this orchid. Apparently, it's good luck in a new place. And they're kind of sexy... for a plant.
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Brody Weston: Oh, and I, uh... I wanted to tell you something that didn't feel appropriate over text.
Rachel Berry: What?
Brody Weston: That I... I really liked dancing with you. And I think that you... I think that you're really sexy. And...
Rachel Berry: Oh... I can't. I think you are amazing and-and-and... very, very, very sexy. I just...
Brody Weston: You're still in love with your boyfriend. Here's the thing... I... I will respect your boundaries, but just know that when we're together, whatever we're talking about, whatever we're doing, I'm thinking of kissing you. Enjoy the orchid.



Jake Puckerman: Uh, you think I could sit next to you in Glee Club? I don't know anybody else.
Marley Rose: So you're going to join? I didn't realize I had that powerful of an effect on you.
Jake Puckerman: It wasn't you. Well, it-it helped. I just... I don't know. I get these feelings sometimes to punch someone or steal a cop car or kiss someone, and I hear Glee Club might help them go away. Even though it totally sucks balls.
Marley Rose: I promise, it's not that bad. Just stick with me, and I'll help you get through it.
Jake Puckerman: It's nice to have a friend looking out for me.
Marley Rose: Well, I owe you for what you did for my mom. Oh, I just realized I'm still wearing your jacket.
Jake Puckerman: Looks pretty good on you.
Kitty: I bet it looks better on me. We're dating now. Didn't Jake tell you?
Marley Rose: No, he didn't.
Jake Puckerman: Well, uh, it's not really my style to put a label on things.
Marley Rose: You two make a great couple. Bye.



Will Schuester: All right. Okay, let's give a big New Directions! welcome to Jake Puckerman.
Sam Evans: Hey, dude. Uh, me and your bro were practically best friends. Is it weird that I know him a lot better than you?
Joseph Hart: Welcome, bro. God made you, and God doesn't make mistakes.
Marley Rose: Mr. Schuester.
Will Schuester: Yeah, Marley.
Marley Rose: If it's all right, I'd like to sing one last Britney song.
Artie Abrams: Did that come out this morning? 'Cause we've scraped the bottom of that Britney barrel.
Marley Rose: Not exactly. This is one of my favorites songs.
# Notice me #
# Take my hand #
# Why are we #
# Strangers when #
# Our love is strong? #
# Why carry on without me? #
# Every time I try to fly I fall #
# Without my wings I feel so small #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# And every time I see you in my dreams #
# I see your face, you're haunting me #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# I may have made it rain #
# Please forgive me #
# My weakness caused you pain #
# And this song's my sorry #
# At night I pray #
# That soon your face #
# Will fade away #
# And every time I try to fly I fall #
# Without my wings I feel so small #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# And every time I see you in my dreams #
# I see your face, you're haunting me #
# I guess I need you, baby. #
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記載日

 2012年5月3日

更新日

 2012年9月13日