Glee - Season 1 Episodes 1-6

101. Pilot

放送日:2009年5月19日


Ice Cube / The Supremes: # I was falling in love #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Set me free why don't you, babe #
# You just keep me hangin'on #
# Oh, oh, yeah #
# It's about that time #
# Yeah #
# Back-Back-Back-Back-Back-Back Back, come on #
# Hey, girl #
# You can do it #
# Just kick your back into it #
# Just kick your #
# Go, go, go #
# Go, go, go, go, go, go, go #
Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded. That's hard.



Noah Puckerman: Guys.
Will Schuester: Making some new friends, Kurt?
Noah Puckerman: He sure is, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn. You still owe me that report on "Qué yo hice el verano pasado."
Finn Hudson: What?
Will Schuester: What you did last summer.
Finn Hudson: Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue.
Noah Puckerman: It's "Hammer time."
Kurt Hummel: Please. This is from Marc Jacobs's new collection.
Finn Hudson: Wait. Okay.
Earth Wind & Fire: # You're a shining star #
# No matter who you are #
# Shining bright to see #
# What you can truly be #
# What you can truly be #
# Shining star come into view #



Will Schuester: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.
Students: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.
Will Schuester: Que lastima, hojala que se sienta mejor. Rapido.
Students: Que lastima...
Will Schuester: Bueno. Bueno.
Earth Wind & Fire: # Shining star for you to see #
# What your life can truly be #



Hank Saunders: # Where is love #
Sandy Ryerson: # Is love #
Hank Saunders: # Does it fall from skies above? #
Sandy Ryerson: # Ooh #
Hank & Sandy: # Is it underneath the willow trees that I've been dreaming of? #



Will Schuester: Where's the coffeepot?
Ken Tanaka: Figgins got rid of it. Budget cuts. You know, I know for a fact that they are still getting hot java at Carver. We should strike.
Sue Sylvester: Hello, boys. Who needs a pick-me-up?
Ken Tanaka: Wow. Lattes.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. I'm a bit of a coffee snob. Now, the key to a perfect latte... is in the temperature of the steamed milk. I like mine scalding.
Will Schuester: Wow.
Ken Tanaka: Hi, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, Ken. Will, hi.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: What's with all the lattes?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, Emma, I just felt so awful... that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the "Cheerios."
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. I heard you guys went, like, $600 over budget on that.
Sue Sylvester: My performers didn't get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at Bacon Junction.
Emma Pillsbury: Since when are cheerleaders performers?
Sue Sylvester: Your resentment is delicious. Well, I have a "phoner" in a couple minutes- That's an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone. Enjoy.
Will Schuester: Thanks a lot, Sue.
Ken Tanaka: I missed you at the, uh... singles mixer last weekend, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I know. A big pipe exploded in my building. It was wild. I hate those mixer things though. Don't you? I mean, it's like a big meat market. It's just- Ew. I did give my number to a fireman though. But he hasn't called.
Will Schuester: You know what, there's someone out there for everyone. I wouldn't even sweat it.
Emma Pillsbury: Mmm. Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?
Will Schuester: Really?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: Who's gonna take over Glee Club?
Emma Pillsbury: I don't know.



Will Schuester: I'd like to take over Glee Club.
Principal Figgins: You want to captain the Titanic too?
Will Schuester: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a MySpace page.
Principal Figgins: Sixty bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up.
Will Schuester: A-A-And you-you expect me to pay it?
Principal Figgins: Well, I'm certainly not going to pay for it. We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again... you can have all the money you want. Until then, 60 bucks a month... and you've got to use the costumes and props we already have. But we need the stools for wood shop.



Will Schuester: Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was gonna be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I gonna get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure- we needed a new name. New Directions!



Mercedes Jones: My name is Mercedes Jones, and I'm singing—
# R-E-S-P-E-C-T #
# Find out what it means to me #
# R-E-S-P-E-C-T #
# Take care of T.C.B. #
# Ahhhhhh! Hey, baby, yeah! #



Kurt Hummel: Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing "Mr. Cellophane."
# Cellophane #
# Mr. Cellophane #
# Should've been my name #
# Mr. Cellophane #
# 'Cause you can look right through me #
# Walk right by me #
# And never know I'm there #
# Never even know I'm there! #



Tina Cohen-Chang: Tina C. "I Kissed a Girl."
# It's not what I'm used to #
# Just wanna try you on #
# I'm curious for you #
# Caught my attention #
# I kissed a girl and liked it #



Rachel Berry: Hi. My name is Rachel Berry... and I'll be singing "On My Own" from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis.
Will Schuester: Fantastic. Let's hear it.
Rachel Berry: # On my own #
# Pretending he's beside me #



Rachel Berry: You might laugh because every time I sign my name... I put a gold star after it. But it's a metaphor. And metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star. And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor... that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in... because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved. That's cockapoopie.



Rachel Berry: He was touching Hank, caressing him. It was so wrong!



Rachel Berry: I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and I.Q. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don't know which one is my real dad... which I think is pretty amazing. My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons- anything to give me a competitive edge.



Rachel Berry: You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this... but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date. I try to post a MySpace video every day just to keep my talent alive and growing.
# Without him #
Rachel Berry: Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one's just gonna hand it to you.
# I love him #
# But every day I'm learning #
#All my life #
Sky Splits: If I were your parents, I would sell you back.
Hi Ho Cheerio!: I'm going to scratch out my eyes.
The Cheerios: Please get sterilized.
Rachel Berry: # I've only been pretending #
# Without me his world will go on turning #
# A world that's full of happiness that I have never known #
# I love him #
# I love him #
# I love him #
# But only on my own #
Will Schuester: Very nice, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: When do we start rehearsals?



Artie Abrams: # And I said to myself sit down #
New Directions: # Said to myself, sit down #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
Will Schuester: Bigger hands. Big hands.
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# And the devil will drag you under #
# By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
New Directions: # Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# Sit down, you're rockin' #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down #
# You're rockin' the boat #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
Rachel Berry: We suck.
Will Schuester: Uh- It- It'll get there. We-We just need to keep rehearsing.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give... the lead solo in " Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?
Artie Abrams: I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance.
Rachel Berry: There's nothing ironic about show choir!
Will Schuester: Rachel. Rachel!



Sue Sylvester: That's sloppy! You're sloppy, babies! It's just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes! Uh-uh, Lance. Don't you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How does it feel to be the weak link, huh? That can't feel very good.
Will Schuester: You changed out of your costume.
Rachel Berry: I'm tired of being laughed at.
Will Schuester: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore. But I can feel the clock ticking away...and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.
Will Schuester: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.
Rachel Berry: Everybody hates me.
Will Schuester: You think Glee Club is gonna change that?
Rachel Berry: Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally.
Will Schuester: Maybe I can coach Artie a little. L-
Rachel Berry: Look, Mr. Schue... I appreciate what you're trying to do. But if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make a fool out of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much.
Ken Tanaka: Schuester! Figgins wants ya!



Will Schuester: But we just started rehearsals.
Principal Figgins: My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town. They're paying me 10 bucks a head.
Will Schuester: If we show at Regionals, Glee stays. If not, the bar is open in the auditorium.
Principal Figgins: What is it with you and this club? You've got only five kids. One of them's a cripple!
Will Schuester: Then I guess you've got nothing to worry about.
Principal Figgins: Fine.
Will Schuester: Yes!
Principal Figgins: But you're running detention for free to make it up to me.
Will Schuester: Deal.



Terri Schuester: You put your hands in the corners like this. Okay?
Howard Bamboo: I can't do it. I'm dyslexic. Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths.
Terri Schuester: Howard, if you can't fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets 'N' Things.
Man: Associate return.
Terri Schuester: Go. Make sure they have a receipt.
Will Schuester: Someone looks beautiful today.
Terri Schuester: Hi.
Will Schuester: Hi.
Terri Schuester: You look very handsome.
Will Schuester: Thank you. Roast beef on pumpernickel. Your favorite.
Terri Schuester: Ohh! Oh, does it have mayo?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Terri Schuester: Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can't get pregnant.
Will Schuester: I-
Terri Schuester: What is wrong with you?
Will Schuester: Well, I wanted to tell you... that I'm gonna have to start workin' late for the next couple months. I'm, uh, monitoring after-school detention.
Terri Schuester: What?
Will Schuester: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club.
Terri Schuester: But, Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here. Now I have to go home and I have to cook dinner for myself?
Howard Bamboo: This lady wants to return these sheets. But something tells me we've got another bed wetter.
Terri Schuester: Do you see what I have to deal with here, hmm? God, hasn't she ever heard of a diaper?
Sandy Ryerson: Of course towels have a thread count, Mr... Sheets 'N' Things! What do you do? I read catalogs! I know these things. Anything under a 400-thread count and I could break out in impetigo! It's simple to understand! William?
Will Schuester: Sandy? Hey!
Sandy Ryerson: Well, hello. How are things? I hear you have taken over Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I hope you're not too upset.
Sandy Ryerson: Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair— best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy at first. Being dismissed. And for what I was accused of? My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me. Oh, God. Don't you love a good monkey? It took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown.
Will Schuester: Did they put you on medication?
Sandy Ryerson: Better. Medical marijuana. It's genius! I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I'm having trouble sleeping... and he gives me all of it I want. I'm finding the whole system quite lucrative.
Will Schuester: You're a drug dealer?
Sandy Ryerson: Oh, yeah. Make five times more than when I was a teacher. I keep some for myself and then I take money baths in the rest.
Will Schuester: Who-Who do you sell it to?
Sandy Ryerson: You want in?
Will Schuester: Uh, no. I tried it once in college. But Terri and I are trying to get pregnant.
Sandy Ryerson: I do my own packaging.
Will Schuester: Sandy, no-
Sandy Ryerson: And the first sample is free. Come on. You are the one coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You're gonna need it. What? This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. Call me. Come on. What's the matter with you?
Woman: Scary.



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. C-Can I have a sec?
Sue Sylvester: Sure, buddy. Come on in.



Emma Pillsbury: Eew!
Will Schuester: Hey, Emma. You got a second? What is that? Gum?
Emma Pillsbury: Uh-huh.



Sue Sylvester: So you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?
Will Schuester: Well, I need more kids- Performers. And all the best ones are in the Cheerios. I figured some of them might want to double up.
Sue Sylvester: Okay. So what you're doing right now is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks, your popular kids, up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest... bottom floor.
Will Schuester: And... where do the Glee kids lie?
Sue Sylvester: Sub-basement.



Emma Pillsbury: Sue's not wrong. But I don't think anything's set in stone. I mean, kids are gonna do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are. You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes.
Will Schuester: Well, how do I do that?
Emma Pillsbury: They follow the leader. If you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up... the rest will fall right in line.



Will Schuester: I just want to talk to them.
Ken Tanaka: I don't know, dude. I can't see any of my guys wanting to join the Glee Club. Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows... just because he watched Grey's Anatomy.
Will Schuester: Look, all I'm looking for is an introduction.
Ken Tanaka: Fine. You gotta put a good word in for me with Emma.



Will Schuester: There you go, Cinderella.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you. I have trouble with things like that. The, um-The messy things.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: It's really nice how much you care about Glee. About the kids.



Sue Sylvester: If you really care about these kids, you'll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand. So let your little Glee kids have their little club. But don't pretend that any of them are something they're not.



Ken Tanaka: Circle up! Now Mr. Schuester is gonna talk to you. You don't listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it? They're all yours, Will.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Ken. Hey, guys. How you doing? I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class. But, uh, I'm- I'm here today to talk to you about something different. Uh, music. Glee Club needs guys.
Noah Puckerman: I can sing.
Will Schuester: Really? That's fantastic.
Noah Puckerman: You wanna hear?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, yeah!
Ken Tanaka: Laps.
Will Schuester: I'm gonna put the sign-up sheet at the door. So if anyone wants to sign up, please- Thank you.
Ken Tanaka: Dismissed! Puck, in my office in five minutes.
Will Schuester: You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little bloodshot.
Ken Tanaka: I got allergies.
Will Schuester: Okay, buddy. Thanks again.



Will Schuester: I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief... fever dream that was New Directions.
Finn Hudson: # Even as I wander I'm keepin' you in sight #
# You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night #
# And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might #
# And I can't fight this feelin' anymore #
Will Schuester: I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place.
Finn Hudson: # I'd forgotten what I'd started fighting for #
Will Schuester: It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn't even know they had.
Finn Hudson: # And I can't fight this feelin' anymore #
Will Schuester: It was pure talent.
Finn Hudson: # If I have to crawl upon your floor #
# Come crashing through your door #
# Baby, I can't fight this feelin'anymore #
Will Schuester: What I did then was the blackest moment of my life.



Will Schuester: You want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?
Finn Hudson: I don't even know who the chronic lady is.
Will Schuester: Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have mandatory biweekly locker checks.
Finn Hudson: But I've never seen that before, Mr. Schue. I swear. It's not mine! I'll pee in a cup! I'll pee.
Will Schuester: Look, it wouldn't make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony. Yeah. Look, you'll get kicked out of school. You'll lose your football scholarship.
Finn Hudson: Wait, l- I had a football scholarship? To-To where?
Will Schuester: You could land in prison, son.
Finn Hudson: Oh, my God. Please, don't tell my mom.
Will Schuester: Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it's like to struggle to make good life choices. And I don't want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you, Finn.



Finn Hudson: That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that. Because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confident and everything. But I really struggle with the same thing other kids do. Peer pressure, backne. I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time.
Carole Hudson: Hold on, hold on. Finn! Finn! Finn! Please! I'm on the phone. I just want to trade next Saturday's shift for this Saturday... because Finn's got a parents' night for Cub Scouts.
Finn Hudson: My mom and me, we're real close. But being a single parent can be hard. The only good time for Mom was when we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams. Darren was good to her. And he was cool about letting me hang out.
Darren & Finn: # You make me weep #
# And wanna die #
# Just when- #
Finn Hudson: That was the first time I really "heard" music.
Darren & Finn: # You said we'd try #
# Lovin', touchin' #
# Squeezin' #
Finn Hudson: Man, it set my soul on fire.
Darren & Finn: # Each other #
Darren: You got a voice, buddy. Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together. Stick with it!
Finn Hudson: My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pic 'N' Save.
Darren: # With someone else #
# Lovin', touchin', squeezin'#
# Each other #
# Now it's your turn, girl, to cry #
# Na, na, na-na-na-na #
Finn Hudson: It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me... make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it.



Will Schuester: We have two options here. I'm running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school. But that's gonna remain on your permanent record.
Finn Hudson: What's the other option, Mr. Schue?



Finn Hudson: # I got chills, they're multiplyin' #
# And I'm losin'control #
# 'Cause the power you're supplyin' #
# It's electrifyin' #
Rachel Berry: # You better shape up #
New Directions: # Doo, doo, doo #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause I need a man #
New Directions: # Doo, doo, doo #
Rachel Berry: # But my heart is set on you #
New Directions: # And my heart is set on you #
Rachel Berry: # You better shape up
# You better understand #
# To my heart I must be true #
Finn Hudson: # Nothin' left #
Finn & Rachel: # Nothin' left for me to do #
# You're the one that I want #
New Directions: # You are the one I want #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey #
Finn & Rachel: # The one that I want #
Mercedes Jones: Oh, hell to the no! Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense! I'm Beyoncé. I ain't no Kelly Rowland.
Will Schuester: Okay, look, Mercedes. It's just one song.
Kurt Hummel: And it's the first time we've been kind of good.
Mercedes Jones: Okay. You're good, white boy. I'll give you that. But you better bring it. Let's run it again.
Will Schuester: All right. Let's do it. From the top.



Will Schuester: You usually don't let me in your craft room.
Terri Schuester: Isn't this fun? And challenging? Every Wednesday we're gonna have puzzle night... because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet.
Will Schuester: You know, the kids have been working so hard. I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday. Carmel High's performing a showcase down in Akron. Carmel's gonna be the team to beat at Regionals... and I was wondering if you might want to come chaperone with me.
Terri Schuester: On Saturday? Oh, I can't.
Will Schuester: Oh.
Terri Schuester: I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will. We're living paycheck to paycheck.
Will Schuester: How much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?
Terri Schuester: I don't know what you're talking about. Don't go in the Christmas closet!
Will Schuester: I was looking for my jacket the other day. Come on! We cannot afford this stuff, Terri!
Terri Schuester: But we could, Will! Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets 'N' Things! I reek of management potential! And they're hiring at H.W. Menken!
Will Schuester: My passion is teaching, Terri! For the last time, I don't want to be an accountant!
Terri Schuester: Dr. Phil said people could change. It's not a bad thing to want a real life, Will. And to have a glue gun that works! You know, it's really hard for me not having the things that I need.
Will Schuester: Oh! And you need three mahogany toilet brush holders?
Terri Schuester: They're Balinese! It is not a bad thing to want things, Will. You know I understand your interest in these kids, Will. I really do. Yeah. It's your way of recapturing your glory days. But I'm not the high school cheerleader anymore... and you are not the golden boy. High school's over for both of us. It's time that you move on.



Ken Tanaka: You're the quarterback!
Finn Hudson: Coach, it's temporary-
Ken Tanaka: No! I don't want to hear it! You make a decision. Either you're a football player or you're a singer!
Noah Puckerman: Hey, what's going on?
Finn Hudson: Oh, it's- I just- I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It's, uh, my mom. I gotta help her cook and, uh, do things.
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Finn Hudson: She just had, uh, surgery.
Noah Puckerman: What kind of surgery?
Finn Hudson: Uh, well, she, uh, had to have her prostate out.
Noah Puckerman: Man, that's a tough break.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. It's, uh, engorged.



Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? I'm living with hepatitis. That's hard!



Ken Tanaka: You stole my quarterback.
Will Schuester: Okay, look, Finn's got a great voice. He just wants to express himself.
Ken Tanaka: You're screwing up my life.
Will Schuester: Okay, Ken? You hate football. What's this really about?



Ken Tanaka: Hey, M&M. So, I got tickets to monster trucks this weekend. Loge tickets.
Emma Pillsbury: No, thanks. Not my thing.
Ken Tanaka: Truckzilla vs. Truckosaurus. And get this- the trucks breathe fire.
Emma Pillsbury: Ken, look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you I'm on my period?
Ken Tanaka: Which doesn't bother me.
Emma Pillsbury: Or I tell you I'm suffering from cluster headaches. Or I'm allergic to nighttime. Those things? Not really true. I'm just not interested in dating you-
Ken Tanaka: Shh. How do I get you... into my hatchback?
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, Ken, fine. Make me say it. I like somebody else. Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but-



Ken Tanaka: You're right. I'm overreacting. The herd will take care of it.
Will Schuester: The herd?
Ken Tanaka: The student body. The second someone tries to rise above, be different, herd pulls 'em back in. So- Oh, and by the way... thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh? Adios, amigo.



Rachel Berry: You're very talented.
Finn Hudson: Really?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. I would know. I'm very talented too. I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead... and me, the stunning young ingenue everyone roots for.
Finn Hudson: Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend.
Rachel Berry: Really? Who?
Finn Hudson: Quinn Fabray.
Rachel Berry: Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the celibacy club?



Quinn Fabray: Wait. Let's pray.



Finn Hudson: For almost four months now. She's cool. I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids.
Will Schuester: Those kielbasas look like they've been there a while.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you want to go halfsies on a P.B. And J?
Will Schuester: That sounds perfect.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Let's go. Sorry. Excuse me. I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in... a really long time.
Emma Pillsbury: Really?
Will Schuester: Yeah. My wife's allergic to nuts.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh. Oh. Well, that's really sweet though. Not eating something because she can't.
Will Schuester: Oh. Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: It's very nice. Oh, that's really noisy. But they're clean.
Will Schuester: Oh, my gosh.
Emma Pillsbury: There you go. How, um-
Will Schuester: Mmm.
Emma Pillsbury: How long have you two been married?
Will Schuester: Mmm, five years last March.
Emma Pillsbury: Really? Mmm.
Will Schuester: Yeah. But we've been together since high school. She was my first girlfriend, actually.
Emma Pillsbury: Was it love at first sight?
Will Schuester: For me it was. I don't know. She used to be filled with so much joy.
Emma Pillsbury: And now?
Will Schuester: Ah, showtime. You don't want to hear about my marital problems.
Emma Pillsbury: No, I do. I do- I'd love to hear-You- I'm not happy that you have marital problems. People talk to me a lot because I'm a guidance counselor.
Will Schuester: Okay, here's the thing. Terri rides me hard, and I've always appreciated it.
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what? Making money? Being upwardly mobile? Thank you. I don't know. I love her. Don't get me wrong. But we just gotta get back on the same page.
Emma Pillsbury: Did you like the sandwich?
Will Schuester: Oh, my God. It's, like, the best I've ever had.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. So this is supposed to be our "competition." But I honestly don't think that they've got the talent that we've got. But let's be a good audience. Give them some of that old McKinley High respect.
Announcer: Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome... to last year's regional champion, Vocal Adrenaline!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Ohio, Ohio, Ohio #
# They tried to make me go to rehab but I said "no, no, no" #
# Yes, I've been black, but when I come back you'll know, know, know #
# I ain't got the time, and if my daddy thinks I'm fine #
# He'll try to make me go to rehab, but I won't go, go, go #
# I'd rather be at home with Ray #
# With Ray #
# I ain't got 70 days #
# 'Cause there's nothin' #
# Nothin' #
# Nothin' you can teach me #
# Ah-ah-ahhh #
# That I can't learn #
# I can't learn #
# From Mr. Hathaway #
# Yeah, yeah-eah #
# I didn't get a lot in class #
# But I know it don't come #
# Don't come #
# In a shot glass #
# They tried to make me go to rehab but I said "no, no, no" #
# Yes, I've been black, but when I come back you'll know, know, know #
# I ain't got the time #
# No time #
# And if my daddy thinks I'm fine #
# He'll try to make me go to rehab, but I won't go, go, go #
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're d-d-doomed.



Noah Puckerman: Chicks don't have prostates. I looked it up. You broke the rules. For that, you must be punished.
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, y-you've got the power here. Y-You don't have to do this!



Terri Schuester: There's my baby.
Will Schuester: Wow, honey. This is amazing. What- What's the congratulations for? The kids haven't won anything yet.
Terri Schuester: I'm pregnant.
Will Schuester: Really?
Terri Schuester: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Terri, don't mess with me. Oh, my God. This is amazing! We're gonna be a family. Oh, my God! Oh, I can't believe it.



Artie Abrams: You're leaving us? When?
Will Schuester: I've given my two-weeks notice. But I promise I'm gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go.
Mercedes Jones: Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good? Because we can work harder.
Rachel Berry: This isn't fair, Mr. Schuester. We can't do this without you.
Finn Hudson: So does that mean that I don't have to be in the club anymore, or-
Will Schuester: Look, this isn't about you guys. Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It's not like high school. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love. One day you guys are gonna grow up and understand that. I have... loved being your teacher.



Will Schuester: # All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go #
# I'm standing here outside your door #
# I hate to wake you up to say good-bye #
# But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn #
# A taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn #
# Already I'm so lonesome I could die #
# So kiss me and smile for me #
# Tell me that you'll wait for me #
# Hold me like you'll never let me go #
# 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane #
# Don't know when I'll be back again #
# Oh, babe, I hate to go #
# But I'm leaving on a jet plane #
# Don't know when I'll be back again #
# Oh, babe, I hate to go #



Woman: I heard he's having a baby. That's why he gave Figgins his notice.
Woman: Really?



Emma Pillsbury: Need help grading those papers?
Will Schuester: It's actually an application for H.W. Menken. They're hiring. Come on. Accounting is sexy. I'll miss you.
Emma Pillsbury: Before you leave, can you do me a favor?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: I made an appointment for you tomorrow... in the career center. You need some guidance.
Will Schuester: I'm having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits.
Emma Pillsbury: Just come, Will, for me.



Rachel Berry: Didn't see you at Glee Club today.
Finn Hudson: Is that still happening?
Rachel Berry: I've taken over.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: I'm interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent.
Quinn Fabray: Hi, Finn. RuPaul.
Finn Hudson: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing talking to her?
Finn Hudson: Oh-
Rachel Berry: Science project. We're partners.
Quinn Fabray: Christ Crusaders tonight at 5:00, my house.
Finn Hudson: Sounds great. Look, I should go. I can't do Glee anymore. It conflicts with-
Rachel Berry: Your reputation? You've really got something, Finn, and you're throwing it away.
Finn Hudson: L-I'm gonna be late.
Rachel Berry: You can't keep worrying about what people think. You're better than all of them.



Noah Puckerman: What do you want me to do, apologize? That's not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me. I just don't understand why you did it.
Finn Hudson: Schuester told me he'd give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club. I didn't have a choice. If I failed another class, I'd be off the team. Look, it's over. Okay? I quit. Anything else?
Noah Puckerman: No, that's it. And as a welcome back to the world of the normal, I got you a present.
Finn Hudson: What's that noise?
Artie Abrams: Oh, God! Help! Help! Help!
Finn Hudson: Is someone in there?
Noah Puckerman: We got that wheelchair kid inside. We're gonna flip it.
Finn Hudson: Isn't that kind of dangerous?
Noah Puckerman: He's already in a wheelchair. Come on, dude. We saved you the first roll.
Finn Hudson: Oh!
Artie Abrams: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, my God. The smell.
Noah Puckerman: What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser.
Finn Hudson: Don't you get it, man? We're all losers. Everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college. And-And two will leave the state to do it. I'm not afraid of being called a loser, 'cause I can accept that that's what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something... that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life.
Noah Puckerman: So, what? Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?
Finn Hudson: No. I'm doing both. 'Cause you can't win without me, and neither can they.
Man: Go, go!
Man: Track, track, track, Ronnie.
Journey: # Shadows searching in the nights #
# Streetlights people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere #
# In the night #



Rachel Berry: Look, you guys. These steps are not hard. I've been doing them since preschool.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. Did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you.
Rachel Berry: I know what I'm talking about. I won my first dance competition when I was three months old!
Kurt Hummel: This is a closed rehearsal.
Finn Hudson: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should've quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people.
Rachel Berry: That was you?
Kurt Hummel: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.
Finn Hudson: I know.
Kurt Hummel: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.
Finn Hudson: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry. Look, that isn't who I am, and I'm tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was, like, the lamest thing on earth... and maybe it is. But we're all here for the same reason- 'cause we want to be good at something. Artie, you play guitar, right? Think you could recruit the jazz band?
Artie Abrams: I do have pull there.
Finn Hudson: All right. Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have got to be cool. Can you do that?
Mercedes Jones: Damn! Don't you see what I've got on?
Finn Hudson: Rachel, you can do choreography. Tina, what are you good at?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Uh- Uh-
Finn Hudson: We'll figure something out for you.
Mercedes Jones: And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?
Finn Hudson: I've got the music.



Emma Pillsbury: I want to show you something. I did a little research. And this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at Nationals.
Tape: # Let's dance! #
# Ah, that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh #
Emma Pillsbury: Do you know who that is?
Tape: # I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh #
# That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh #
Emma Pillsbury: That's you, Will.
Tape: # I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
# When you take me by the hand #
Emma Pillsbury: That's you happier than I've ever seen you.
Tape: # And tell me I'm your loving man #
Will Schuester: That was the greatest moment of my life.
Emma Pillsbury: Why?
Will Schuester: Because I loved what I was doing. Yeah, I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment... I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I felt- I felt that way since then... was when Terri told me I was gonna be a father. No. No. I need to provide for my family.
Emma Pillsbury: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living... is one that you're really passionate about, Will?



Finn Hudson: # Just a small town girl #
# Living in a lonely world #
# She took the midnight train going anywhere #
Rachel Berry: # Just a city boy #
# Born and raised in south Detroit #
# He took the midnight train going anywhere #
New Directions: # Da-da #
Finn Hudson: # A singer in a smoky room #
Rachel Berry: # A smell of wine and cheap perfume #
Finn & Rachel: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
# Strangers waiting #
New Directions: # Da-da #
Finn & Rachel: # Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows searching in the night #
New Directions: # Da-da #
Finn & Rachel: # Streetlight people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere in the night #
Rachel Berry: # Working hard to get my fill #
New Directions: # Da-da-da #
Rachel Berry: # Everybody wants a thrill #
Finn & Rachel: # Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time #
# Some will win #
Finn & Rachel: # Some will lose #
# Some will only sing the blues #
# And now the movie never ends #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
New Directions: # Don't stop believing #
# Hold on to that feeling #
# Street lights people #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# Oh-oh #
# Don't stop believing #
# Hold on to that feeling #
# Street lights people #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# Oh, oh #
# Don't stop #
Will Schuester: Good, guys. It's a nine. We need a 10. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high "B."
Finn Hudson: So does this mean you're staying?
Will Schuester: It would kill me to see you win Nationals without me. From the top.


Ice Cube / The Supremes: # I was falling in love #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Set me free why don't you, babe #
# You just keep me hangin'on #
# Oh, oh, yeah #
# It's about that time #
# Yeah #
# Back-Back-Back-Back-Back-Back Back, come on #
# Hey, girl #
# You can do it #
# Just kick your back into it #
# Just kick your #
# Go, go, go #
# Go, go, go, go, go, go, go #
Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded. That's hard.



Noah Puckerman: Guys.
Will Schuester: Making some new friends, Kurt?
Noah Puckerman: He sure is, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn. You still owe me that report on "Qué yo hice el verano pasado."
Finn Hudson: What?
Will Schuester: What you did last summer.
Finn Hudson: Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue.
Noah Puckerman: It's "Hammer time."
Kurt Hummel: Please. This is from Marc Jacobs's new collection.
Finn Hudson: Wait. Okay.
Earth Wind & Fire: # You're a shining star #
# No matter who you are #
# Shining bright to see #
# What you can truly be #
# What you can truly be #
# Shining star come into view #



Will Schuester: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.
Students: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.
Will Schuester: Que lastima, hojala que se sienta mejor. Rapido.
Students: Que lastima...
Will Schuester: Bueno. Bueno.
Earth Wind & Fire: # Shining star for you to see #
# What your life can truly be #



Hank Saunders: # Where is love #
Sandy Ryerson: # Is love #
Hank Saunders: # Does it fall from skies above? #
Sandy Ryerson: # Ooh #
Hank & Sandy: # Is it underneath the willow trees that I've been dreaming of? #



Will Schuester: Where's the coffeepot?
Ken Tanaka: Figgins got rid of it. Budget cuts. You know, I know for a fact that they are still getting hot java at Carver. We should strike.
Sue Sylvester: Hello, boys. Who needs a pick-me-up?
Ken Tanaka: Wow. Lattes.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. I'm a bit of a coffee snob. Now, the key to a perfect latte... is in the temperature of the steamed milk. I like mine scalding.
Will Schuester: Wow.
Ken Tanaka: Hi, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, Ken. Will, hi.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: What's with all the lattes?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, Emma, I just felt so awful... that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the "Cheerios."
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. I heard you guys went, like, $600 over budget on that.
Sue Sylvester: My performers didn't get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at Bacon Junction.
Emma Pillsbury: Since when are cheerleaders performers?
Sue Sylvester: Your resentment is delicious. Well, I have a "phoner" in a couple minutes- That's an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone. Enjoy.
Will Schuester: Thanks a lot, Sue.
Ken Tanaka: I missed you at the, uh... singles mixer last weekend, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I know. A big pipe exploded in my building. It was wild. I hate those mixer things though. Don't you? I mean, it's like a big meat market. It's just- Ew. I did give my number to a fireman though. But he hasn't called.
Will Schuester: You know what, there's someone out there for everyone. I wouldn't even sweat it.
Emma Pillsbury: Mmm. Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?
Will Schuester: Really?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: Who's gonna take over Glee Club?
Emma Pillsbury: I don't know.



Will Schuester: I'd like to take over Glee Club.
Principal Figgins: You want to captain the Titanic too?
Will Schuester: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a MySpace page.
Principal Figgins: Sixty bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up.
Will Schuester: A-A-And you-you expect me to pay it?
Principal Figgins: Well, I'm certainly not going to pay for it. We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again... you can have all the money you want. Until then, 60 bucks a month... and you've got to use the costumes and props we already have. But we need the stools for wood shop.



Will Schuester: Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was gonna be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I gonna get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure- we needed a new name. New Directions!



Mercedes Jones: My name is Mercedes Jones, and I'm singing—
# R-E-S-P-E-C-T #
# Find out what it means to me #
# R-E-S-P-E-C-T #
# Take care of T.C.B. #
# Ahhhhhh! Hey, baby, yeah! #



Kurt Hummel: Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing "Mr. Cellophane."
# Cellophane #
# Mr. Cellophane #
# Should've been my name #
# Mr. Cellophane #
# 'Cause you can look right through me #
# Walk right by me #
# And never know I'm there #
# Never even know I'm there! #



Tina Cohen-Chang: Tina C. "I Kissed a Girl."
# It's not what I'm used to #
# Just wanna try you on #
# I'm curious for you #
# Caught my attention #
# I kissed a girl and liked it #



Rachel Berry: Hi. My name is Rachel Berry... and I'll be singing "On My Own" from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis.
Will Schuester: Fantastic. Let's hear it.
Rachel Berry: # On my own #
# Pretending he's beside me #



Rachel Berry: You might laugh because every time I sign my name... I put a gold star after it. But it's a metaphor. And metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star. And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor... that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in... because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved. That's cockapoopie.



Rachel Berry: He was touching Hank, caressing him. It was so wrong!



Rachel Berry: I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and I.Q. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don't know which one is my real dad... which I think is pretty amazing. My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons- anything to give me a competitive edge.



Rachel Berry: You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this... but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date. I try to post a MySpace video every day just to keep my talent alive and growing.
# Without him #
Rachel Berry: Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one's just gonna hand it to you.
# I love him #
# But every day I'm learning #
#All my life #
Sky Splits: If I were your parents, I would sell you back.
Hi Ho Cheerio!: I'm going to scratch out my eyes.
The Cheerios: Please get sterilized.
Rachel Berry: # I've only been pretending #
# Without me his world will go on turning #
# A world that's full of happiness that I have never known #
# I love him #
# I love him #
# I love him #
# But only on my own #
Will Schuester: Very nice, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: When do we start rehearsals?



Artie Abrams: # And I said to myself sit down #
New Directions: # Said to myself, sit down #
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
Will Schuester: Bigger hands. Big hands.
Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# And the devil will drag you under #
# By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
New Directions: # Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# Sit down, you're rockin' #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down #
# You're rockin' the boat #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
Rachel Berry: We suck.
Will Schuester: Uh- It- It'll get there. We-We just need to keep rehearsing.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give... the lead solo in " Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?
Artie Abrams: I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance.
Rachel Berry: There's nothing ironic about show choir!
Will Schuester: Rachel. Rachel!



Sue Sylvester: That's sloppy! You're sloppy, babies! It's just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes! Uh-uh, Lance. Don't you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How does it feel to be the weak link, huh? That can't feel very good.
Will Schuester: You changed out of your costume.
Rachel Berry: I'm tired of being laughed at.
Will Schuester: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore. But I can feel the clock ticking away...and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.
Will Schuester: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.
Rachel Berry: Everybody hates me.
Will Schuester: You think Glee Club is gonna change that?
Rachel Berry: Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally.
Will Schuester: Maybe I can coach Artie a little. L-
Rachel Berry: Look, Mr. Schue... I appreciate what you're trying to do. But if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make a fool out of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much.
Ken Tanaka: Schuester! Figgins wants ya!



Will Schuester: But we just started rehearsals.
Principal Figgins: My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town. They're paying me 10 bucks a head.
Will Schuester: If we show at Regionals, Glee stays. If not, the bar is open in the auditorium.
Principal Figgins: What is it with you and this club? You've got only five kids. One of them's a cripple!
Will Schuester: Then I guess you've got nothing to worry about.
Principal Figgins: Fine.
Will Schuester: Yes!
Principal Figgins: But you're running detention for free to make it up to me.
Will Schuester: Deal.



Terri Schuester: You put your hands in the corners like this. Okay?
Howard Bamboo: I can't do it. I'm dyslexic. Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths.
Terri Schuester: Howard, if you can't fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets 'N' Things.
Man: Associate return.
Terri Schuester: Go. Make sure they have a receipt.
Will Schuester: Someone looks beautiful today.
Terri Schuester: Hi.
Will Schuester: Hi.
Terri Schuester: You look very handsome.
Will Schuester: Thank you. Roast beef on pumpernickel. Your favorite.
Terri Schuester: Ohh! Oh, does it have mayo?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Terri Schuester: Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can't get pregnant.
Will Schuester: I-
Terri Schuester: What is wrong with you?
Will Schuester: Well, I wanted to tell you... that I'm gonna have to start workin' late for the next couple months. I'm, uh, monitoring after-school detention.
Terri Schuester: What?
Will Schuester: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club.
Terri Schuester: But, Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here. Now I have to go home and I have to cook dinner for myself?
Howard Bamboo: This lady wants to return these sheets. But something tells me we've got another bed wetter.
Terri Schuester: Do you see what I have to deal with here, hmm? God, hasn't she ever heard of a diaper?
Sandy Ryerson: Of course towels have a thread count, Mr... Sheets 'N' Things! What do you do? I read catalogs! I know these things. Anything under a 400-thread count and I could break out in impetigo! It's simple to understand! William?
Will Schuester: Sandy? Hey!
Sandy Ryerson: Well, hello. How are things? I hear you have taken over Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I hope you're not too upset.
Sandy Ryerson: Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair— best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy at first. Being dismissed. And for what I was accused of? My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me. Oh, God. Don't you love a good monkey? It took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown.
Will Schuester: Did they put you on medication?
Sandy Ryerson: Better. Medical marijuana. It's genius! I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I'm having trouble sleeping... and he gives me all of it I want. I'm finding the whole system quite lucrative.
Will Schuester: You're a drug dealer?
Sandy Ryerson: Oh, yeah. Make five times more than when I was a teacher. I keep some for myself and then I take money baths in the rest.
Will Schuester: Who-Who do you sell it to?
Sandy Ryerson: You want in?
Will Schuester: Uh, no. I tried it once in college. But Terri and I are trying to get pregnant.
Sandy Ryerson: I do my own packaging.
Will Schuester: Sandy, no-
Sandy Ryerson: And the first sample is free. Come on. You are the one coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You're gonna need it. What? This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. Call me. Come on. What's the matter with you?
Woman: Scary.



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. C-Can I have a sec?
Sue Sylvester: Sure, buddy. Come on in.



Emma Pillsbury: Eew!
Will Schuester: Hey, Emma. You got a second? What is that? Gum?
Emma Pillsbury: Uh-huh.



Sue Sylvester: So you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?
Will Schuester: Well, I need more kids- Performers. And all the best ones are in the Cheerios. I figured some of them might want to double up.
Sue Sylvester: Okay. So what you're doing right now is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks, your popular kids, up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest... bottom floor.
Will Schuester: And... where do the Glee kids lie?
Sue Sylvester: Sub-basement.



Emma Pillsbury: Sue's not wrong. But I don't think anything's set in stone. I mean, kids are gonna do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are. You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes.
Will Schuester: Well, how do I do that?
Emma Pillsbury: They follow the leader. If you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up... the rest will fall right in line.



Will Schuester: I just want to talk to them.
Ken Tanaka: I don't know, dude. I can't see any of my guys wanting to join the Glee Club. Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows... just because he watched Grey's Anatomy.
Will Schuester: Look, all I'm looking for is an introduction.
Ken Tanaka: Fine. You gotta put a good word in for me with Emma.



Will Schuester: There you go, Cinderella.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you. I have trouble with things like that. The, um-The messy things.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: It's really nice how much you care about Glee. About the kids.



Sue Sylvester: If you really care about these kids, you'll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand. So let your little Glee kids have their little club. But don't pretend that any of them are something they're not.



Ken Tanaka: Circle up! Now Mr. Schuester is gonna talk to you. You don't listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it? They're all yours, Will.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Ken. Hey, guys. How you doing? I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class. But, uh, I'm- I'm here today to talk to you about something different. Uh, music. Glee Club needs guys.
Noah Puckerman: I can sing.
Will Schuester: Really? That's fantastic.
Noah Puckerman: You wanna hear?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, yeah!
Ken Tanaka: Laps.
Will Schuester: I'm gonna put the sign-up sheet at the door. So if anyone wants to sign up, please- Thank you.
Ken Tanaka: Dismissed! Puck, in my office in five minutes.
Will Schuester: You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little bloodshot.
Ken Tanaka: I got allergies.
Will Schuester: Okay, buddy. Thanks again.



Will Schuester: I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief... fever dream that was New Directions.
Finn Hudson: # Even as I wander I'm keepin' you in sight #
# You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night #
# And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might #
# And I can't fight this feelin' anymore #
Will Schuester: I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place.
Finn Hudson: # I'd forgotten what I'd started fighting for #
Will Schuester: It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn't even know they had.
Finn Hudson: # And I can't fight this feelin' anymore #
Will Schuester: It was pure talent.
Finn Hudson: # If I have to crawl upon your floor #
# Come crashing through your door #
# Baby, I can't fight this feelin'anymore #
Will Schuester: What I did then was the blackest moment of my life.



Will Schuester: You want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?
Finn Hudson: I don't even know who the chronic lady is.
Will Schuester: Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have mandatory biweekly locker checks.
Finn Hudson: But I've never seen that before, Mr. Schue. I swear. It's not mine! I'll pee in a cup! I'll pee.
Will Schuester: Look, it wouldn't make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony. Yeah. Look, you'll get kicked out of school. You'll lose your football scholarship.
Finn Hudson: Wait, l- I had a football scholarship? To-To where?
Will Schuester: You could land in prison, son.
Finn Hudson: Oh, my God. Please, don't tell my mom.
Will Schuester: Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it's like to struggle to make good life choices. And I don't want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you, Finn.



Finn Hudson: That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that. Because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confident and everything. But I really struggle with the same thing other kids do. Peer pressure, backne. I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time.
Carole Hudson: Hold on, hold on. Finn! Finn! Finn! Please! I'm on the phone. I just want to trade next Saturday's shift for this Saturday... because Finn's got a parents' night for Cub Scouts.
Finn Hudson: My mom and me, we're real close. But being a single parent can be hard. The only good time for Mom was when we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams. Darren was good to her. And he was cool about letting me hang out.
Darren & Finn: # You make me weep #
# And wanna die #
# Just when- #
Finn Hudson: That was the first time I really "heard" music.
Darren & Finn: # You said we'd try #
# Lovin', touchin' #
# Squeezin' #
Finn Hudson: Man, it set my soul on fire.
Darren & Finn: # Each other #
Darren: You got a voice, buddy. Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together. Stick with it!
Finn Hudson: My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pic 'N' Save.
Darren: # With someone else #
# Lovin', touchin', squeezin'#
# Each other #
# Now it's your turn, girl, to cry #
# Na, na, na-na-na-na #
Finn Hudson: It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me... make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it.



Will Schuester: We have two options here. I'm running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school. But that's gonna remain on your permanent record.
Finn Hudson: What's the other option, Mr. Schue?



Finn Hudson: # I got chills, they're multiplyin' #
# And I'm losin'control #
# 'Cause the power you're supplyin' #
# It's electrifyin' #
Rachel Berry: # You better shape up #
New Directions: # Doo, doo, doo #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause I need a man #
New Directions: # Doo, doo, doo #
Rachel Berry: # But my heart is set on you #
New Directions: # And my heart is set on you #
Rachel Berry: # You better shape up
# You better understand #
# To my heart I must be true #
Finn Hudson: # Nothin' left #
Finn & Rachel: # Nothin' left for me to do #
# You're the one that I want #
New Directions: # You are the one I want #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey #
Finn & Rachel: # The one that I want #
Mercedes Jones: Oh, hell to the no! Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense! I'm Beyoncé. I ain't no Kelly Rowland.
Will Schuester: Okay, look, Mercedes. It's just one song.
Kurt Hummel: And it's the first time we've been kind of good.
Mercedes Jones: Okay. You're good, white boy. I'll give you that. But you better bring it. Let's run it again.
Will Schuester: All right. Let's do it. From the top.



Will Schuester: You usually don't let me in your craft room.
Terri Schuester: Isn't this fun? And challenging? Every Wednesday we're gonna have puzzle night... because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet.
Will Schuester: You know, the kids have been working so hard. I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday. Carmel High's performing a showcase down in Akron. Carmel's gonna be the team to beat at Regionals... and I was wondering if you might want to come chaperone with me.
Terri Schuester: On Saturday? Oh, I can't.
Will Schuester: Oh.
Terri Schuester: I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will. We're living paycheck to paycheck.
Will Schuester: How much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?
Terri Schuester: I don't know what you're talking about. Don't go in the Christmas closet!
Will Schuester: I was looking for my jacket the other day. Come on! We cannot afford this stuff, Terri!
Terri Schuester: But we could, Will! Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets 'N' Things! I reek of management potential! And they're hiring at H.W. Menken!
Will Schuester: My passion is teaching, Terri! For the last time, I don't want to be an accountant!
Terri Schuester: Dr. Phil said people could change. It's not a bad thing to want a real life, Will. And to have a glue gun that works! You know, it's really hard for me not having the things that I need.
Will Schuester: Oh! And you need three mahogany toilet brush holders?
Terri Schuester: They're Balinese! It is not a bad thing to want things, Will. You know I understand your interest in these kids, Will. I really do. Yeah. It's your way of recapturing your glory days. But I'm not the high school cheerleader anymore... and you are not the golden boy. High school's over for both of us. It's time that you move on.



Ken Tanaka: You're the quarterback!
Finn Hudson: Coach, it's temporary-
Ken Tanaka: No! I don't want to hear it! You make a decision. Either you're a football player or you're a singer!
Noah Puckerman: Hey, what's going on?
Finn Hudson: Oh, it's- I just- I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It's, uh, my mom. I gotta help her cook and, uh, do things.
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Finn Hudson: She just had, uh, surgery.
Noah Puckerman: What kind of surgery?
Finn Hudson: Uh, well, she, uh, had to have her prostate out.
Noah Puckerman: Man, that's a tough break.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. It's, uh, engorged.



Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? I'm living with hepatitis. That's hard!



Ken Tanaka: You stole my quarterback.
Will Schuester: Okay, look, Finn's got a great voice. He just wants to express himself.
Ken Tanaka: You're screwing up my life.
Will Schuester: Okay, Ken? You hate football. What's this really about?



Ken Tanaka: Hey, M&M. So, I got tickets to monster trucks this weekend. Loge tickets.
Emma Pillsbury: No, thanks. Not my thing.
Ken Tanaka: Truckzilla vs. Truckosaurus. And get this- the trucks breathe fire.
Emma Pillsbury: Ken, look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you I'm on my period?
Ken Tanaka: Which doesn't bother me.
Emma Pillsbury: Or I tell you I'm suffering from cluster headaches. Or I'm allergic to nighttime. Those things? Not really true. I'm just not interested in dating you-
Ken Tanaka: Shh. How do I get you... into my hatchback?
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, Ken, fine. Make me say it. I like somebody else. Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but-



Ken Tanaka: You're right. I'm overreacting. The herd will take care of it.
Will Schuester: The herd?
Ken Tanaka: The student body. The second someone tries to rise above, be different, herd pulls 'em back in. So- Oh, and by the way... thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh? Adios, amigo.



Rachel Berry: You're very talented.
Finn Hudson: Really?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. I would know. I'm very talented too. I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead... and me, the stunning young ingenue everyone roots for.
Finn Hudson: Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend.
Rachel Berry: Really? Who?
Finn Hudson: Quinn Fabray.
Rachel Berry: Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the celibacy club?



Quinn Fabray: Wait. Let's pray.



Finn Hudson: For almost four months now. She's cool. I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids.
Will Schuester: Those kielbasas look like they've been there a while.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you want to go halfsies on a P.B. And J?
Will Schuester: That sounds perfect.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Let's go. Sorry. Excuse me. I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in... a really long time.
Emma Pillsbury: Really?
Will Schuester: Yeah. My wife's allergic to nuts.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh. Oh. Well, that's really sweet though. Not eating something because she can't.
Will Schuester: Oh. Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: It's very nice. Oh, that's really noisy. But they're clean.
Will Schuester: Oh, my gosh.
Emma Pillsbury: There you go. How, um-
Will Schuester: Mmm.
Emma Pillsbury: How long have you two been married?
Will Schuester: Mmm, five years last March.
Emma Pillsbury: Really? Mmm.
Will Schuester: Yeah. But we've been together since high school. She was my first girlfriend, actually.
Emma Pillsbury: Was it love at first sight?
Will Schuester: For me it was. I don't know. She used to be filled with so much joy.
Emma Pillsbury: And now?
Will Schuester: Ah, showtime. You don't want to hear about my marital problems.
Emma Pillsbury: No, I do. I do- I'd love to hear-You- I'm not happy that you have marital problems. People talk to me a lot because I'm a guidance counselor.
Will Schuester: Okay, here's the thing. Terri rides me hard, and I've always appreciated it.
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what? Making money? Being upwardly mobile? Thank you. I don't know. I love her. Don't get me wrong. But we just gotta get back on the same page.
Emma Pillsbury: Did you like the sandwich?
Will Schuester: Oh, my God. It's, like, the best I've ever had.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. So this is supposed to be our "competition." But I honestly don't think that they've got the talent that we've got. But let's be a good audience. Give them some of that old McKinley High respect.
Announcer: Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome... to last year's regional champion, Vocal Adrenaline!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Ohio, Ohio, Ohio #
# They tried to make me go to rehab but I said "no, no, no" #
# Yes, I've been black, but when I come back you'll know, know, know #
# I ain't got the time, and if my daddy thinks I'm fine #
# He'll try to make me go to rehab, but I won't go, go, go #
# I'd rather be at home with Ray #
# With Ray #
# I ain't got 70 days #
# 'Cause there's nothin' #
# Nothin' #
# Nothin' you can teach me #
# Ah-ah-ahhh #
# That I can't learn #
# I can't learn #
# From Mr. Hathaway #
# Yeah, yeah-eah #
# I didn't get a lot in class #
# But I know it don't come #
# Don't come #
# In a shot glass #
# They tried to make me go to rehab but I said "no, no, no" #
# Yes, I've been black, but when I come back you'll know, know, know #
# I ain't got the time #
# No time #
# And if my daddy thinks I'm fine #
# He'll try to make me go to rehab, but I won't go, go, go #
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're d-d-doomed.



Noah Puckerman: Chicks don't have prostates. I looked it up. You broke the rules. For that, you must be punished.
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, y-you've got the power here. Y-You don't have to do this!



Terri Schuester: There's my baby.
Will Schuester: Wow, honey. This is amazing. What- What's the congratulations for? The kids haven't won anything yet.
Terri Schuester: I'm pregnant.
Will Schuester: Really?
Terri Schuester: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Terri, don't mess with me. Oh, my God. This is amazing! We're gonna be a family. Oh, my God! Oh, I can't believe it.



Artie Abrams: You're leaving us? When?
Will Schuester: I've given my two-weeks notice. But I promise I'm gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go.
Mercedes Jones: Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good? Because we can work harder.
Rachel Berry: This isn't fair, Mr. Schuester. We can't do this without you.
Finn Hudson: So does that mean that I don't have to be in the club anymore, or-
Will Schuester: Look, this isn't about you guys. Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It's not like high school. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love. One day you guys are gonna grow up and understand that. I have... loved being your teacher.



Will Schuester: # All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go #
# I'm standing here outside your door #
# I hate to wake you up to say good-bye #
# But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn #
# A taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn #
# Already I'm so lonesome I could die #
# So kiss me and smile for me #
# Tell me that you'll wait for me #
# Hold me like you'll never let me go #
# 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane #
# Don't know when I'll be back again #
# Oh, babe, I hate to go #
# But I'm leaving on a jet plane #
# Don't know when I'll be back again #
# Oh, babe, I hate to go #



Woman: I heard he's having a baby. That's why he gave Figgins his notice.
Woman: Really?



Emma Pillsbury: Need help grading those papers?
Will Schuester: It's actually an application for H.W. Menken. They're hiring. Come on. Accounting is sexy. I'll miss you.
Emma Pillsbury: Before you leave, can you do me a favor?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: I made an appointment for you tomorrow... in the career center. You need some guidance.
Will Schuester: I'm having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits.
Emma Pillsbury: Just come, Will, for me.



Rachel Berry: Didn't see you at Glee Club today.
Finn Hudson: Is that still happening?
Rachel Berry: I've taken over.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: I'm interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent.
Quinn Fabray: Hi, Finn. RuPaul.
Finn Hudson: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing talking to her?
Finn Hudson: Oh-
Rachel Berry: Science project. We're partners.
Quinn Fabray: Christ Crusaders tonight at 5:00, my house.
Finn Hudson: Sounds great. Look, I should go. I can't do Glee anymore. It conflicts with-
Rachel Berry: Your reputation? You've really got something, Finn, and you're throwing it away.
Finn Hudson: L-I'm gonna be late.
Rachel Berry: You can't keep worrying about what people think. You're better than all of them.



Noah Puckerman: What do you want me to do, apologize? That's not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me. I just don't understand why you did it.
Finn Hudson: Schuester told me he'd give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club. I didn't have a choice. If I failed another class, I'd be off the team. Look, it's over. Okay? I quit. Anything else?
Noah Puckerman: No, that's it. And as a welcome back to the world of the normal, I got you a present.
Finn Hudson: What's that noise?
Artie Abrams: Oh, God! Help! Help! Help!
Finn Hudson: Is someone in there?
Noah Puckerman: We got that wheelchair kid inside. We're gonna flip it.
Finn Hudson: Isn't that kind of dangerous?
Noah Puckerman: He's already in a wheelchair. Come on, dude. We saved you the first roll.
Finn Hudson: Oh!
Artie Abrams: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, my God. The smell.
Noah Puckerman: What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser.
Finn Hudson: Don't you get it, man? We're all losers. Everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college. And-And two will leave the state to do it. I'm not afraid of being called a loser, 'cause I can accept that that's what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something... that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life.
Noah Puckerman: So, what? Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?
Finn Hudson: No. I'm doing both. 'Cause you can't win without me, and neither can they.
Man: Go, go!
Man: Track, track, track, Ronnie.
Journey: # Shadows searching in the nights #
# Streetlights people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere #
# In the night #



Rachel Berry: Look, you guys. These steps are not hard. I've been doing them since preschool.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. Did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you.
Rachel Berry: I know what I'm talking about. I won my first dance competition when I was three months old!
Kurt Hummel: This is a closed rehearsal.
Finn Hudson: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should've quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people.
Rachel Berry: That was you?
Kurt Hummel: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.
Finn Hudson: I know.
Kurt Hummel: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.
Finn Hudson: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry. Look, that isn't who I am, and I'm tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was, like, the lamest thing on earth... and maybe it is. But we're all here for the same reason- 'cause we want to be good at something. Artie, you play guitar, right? Think you could recruit the jazz band?
Artie Abrams: I do have pull there.
Finn Hudson: All right. Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have got to be cool. Can you do that?
Mercedes Jones: Damn! Don't you see what I've got on?
Finn Hudson: Rachel, you can do choreography. Tina, what are you good at?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Uh- Uh-
Finn Hudson: We'll figure something out for you.
Mercedes Jones: And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?
Finn Hudson: I've got the music.



Emma Pillsbury: I want to show you something. I did a little research. And this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at Nationals.
Tape: # Let's dance! #
# Ah, that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh #
Emma Pillsbury: Do you know who that is?
Tape: # I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh #
# That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh #
Emma Pillsbury: That's you, Will.
Tape: # I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
# When you take me by the hand #
Emma Pillsbury: That's you happier than I've ever seen you.
Tape: # And tell me I'm your loving man #
Will Schuester: That was the greatest moment of my life.
Emma Pillsbury: Why?
Will Schuester: Because I loved what I was doing. Yeah, I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment... I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I felt- I felt that way since then... was when Terri told me I was gonna be a father. No. No. I need to provide for my family.
Emma Pillsbury: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living... is one that you're really passionate about, Will?



Finn Hudson: # Just a small town girl #
# Living in a lonely world #
# She took the midnight train going anywhere #
Rachel Berry: # Just a city boy #
# Born and raised in south Detroit #
# He took the midnight train going anywhere #
New Directions: # Da-da #
Finn Hudson: # A singer in a smoky room #
Rachel Berry: # A smell of wine and cheap perfume #
Finn & Rachel: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
# Strangers waiting #
New Directions: # Da-da #
Finn & Rachel: # Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows searching in the night #
New Directions: # Da-da #
Finn & Rachel: # Streetlight people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere in the night #
Rachel Berry: # Working hard to get my fill #
New Directions: # Da-da-da #
Rachel Berry: # Everybody wants a thrill #
Finn & Rachel: # Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time #
# Some will win #
Finn & Rachel: # Some will lose #
# Some will only sing the blues #
# And now the movie never ends #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
New Directions: # Don't stop believing #
# Hold on to that feeling #
# Street lights people #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# Oh-oh #
# Don't stop believing #
# Hold on to that feeling #
# Street lights people #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# Oh, oh #
# Don't stop #
Will Schuester: Good, guys. It's a nine. We need a 10. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high "B."
Finn Hudson: So does this mean you're staying?
Will Schuester: It would kill me to see you win Nationals without me. From the top.
外部リンク
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 Wikipedia - Halfsies
 Queer Music Experience.:ル・ポール バイオグラフィー

102. Showmance

放送日:2009年9月9日


Rachel Berry: Mr Schuester!
Will Schuester: Yea!
Rachel Berry: I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Rachel. But I already got one picked out.
Finn Hudson: Let me help you with that.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn. You're so chivalrous!
Finn Hudson: Thanks! That's a good thing, right?
Will Schuester: Morning, guys.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, Mr. Shue. We're just learning some runs.
Will Schuester: Oh! Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: So it goes, Ah!
Tina & Artie: Ah!
Will Schuester: With the finger, huh?
Mercedes Jones: Pretty fly for a white guy.
Will Schuester: Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon.
Mercedes Jones: Okay!
Will Schuester: All right. Morning, Kurt.
Noah Puckerman: Buenos nachos, Mr. Shue.
Will Schuester: Hey! Let's go, Titans!
Noah Puckerman: Yeah. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: Wait! One day you will all work for me.



Will Schuester: It was very, very nice. Diana! All right?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, Will, oh. Oh!
Will Schuester: Oh!
Emma Pillsbury: Gosh. Hi.
Will Schuester: Hey, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: Hey. Uh, I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club... it's where I belong.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, well, it's no problem. I mean, it's what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I'm a guidance counselor.
Will Schuester: Yeah, you are.
Emma Pillsbury: So.... oh, look, we match, periwinkle.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Get a room.
Quinn Fabray: Mrs. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Will Schuester: You got it



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue, you want to see me?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy. Come on in. I just blasted my hammies.
Will Schuester: Oh!
Sue Sylvester: Iron tablet?
Will Schuester: Uh...
Sue Sylvester: Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.
Will Schuester: I don't menstruate.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah? Neither do I. So I had a little chat with Principal Figgins, and he said that if you're group doesn't place at Regionals, he's cutting the program. Ouch.
Will Schuester: You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're going to be fine.
Sue Sylvester: Really? Cause I was at the local library, where I read Cheerleading Today aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner. Show Choir Rule Book... And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for Regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five-and-a-half. Here. Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you.... maybe you could find some recruits.... because I'm not sure there's anybody else who's going to want to swim over to your Island of Misfit Toys.
Will Schuester: Are you threatening me, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha. Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it, you want to be me. So, here's the deal: you do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother: euthanize it. It's time. Now I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates; it'll be very rewarding work for you.
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here...
Sue Sylvester: Offensive.
Will Schuester: ...but it looks like your Cheerios are going to have some competition. We're going to show at Regionals. You have my word on that. Have a good day.



Quinn Fabray: We are in line to be the most popular kids in this school over the next couple of years.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I know.
Quinn Fabray: Prom king and queen, homecoming court royalty, I'm not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can "express yourself."
Finn Hudson: Look, you're making too big a deal out of this.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, let's compromise. If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast.
Finn Hudson: Under the shirt?
Quinn Fabray: Over the bra
Finn Hudson: No, no. I can't.
Quinn Fabray: Oh!
Finn Hudson: I want to do Glee. I.. I'm really happy when I'm performing.
Quinn Fabray: People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.
Finn Hudson: Look, I.. I...I got to go to class, okay? Just relax. Everything's going to work out.
Quinn Fabray: Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him, you can sing with him, but you will never have him.
Rachel Berry: I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection, but I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up and yours is going down... deal with it.
Noah Puckerman: Holla.



New Directions: # Ah, freak out #
# Le freak, c'est chic #
Will Schuester: Energy, guys.
New Directions: # Freak out #
Will Schuester: It's disco.
New Directions: # Le freak, c'est chic #
# Ah, freak out #
Will Schuester: Good with the hands... John Travolta hands. All right.
New Directions: # Le freak, c'est chic #
Will Schuester: Freak it out. Let's go.
New Directions: # Freak out #
# Le freak, c'est chic #
Will Schuester: And up and out and down and... good.
New Directions: # Have you heard about the new dance craze? #
Will Schuester: Good, good, guys.
New Directions: # Listen to us #
# I'm sure you'll be amazed #
# Big fun... #
Mercedes Jones: Whoa! Whoa! Stop! Hell to the nah. First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible.
Will Schuester: Okay, no, no, it's not the song. You guys just need to get into it.
Kurt Hummel: No, it's the song. It's really gay.
Artie Abrams: We need modern music, Mr. Shue.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, guys. We don't have time to discuss this. We're doing the song this Friday at the pep assembly.
Tina Cohen-Chang: In f...front of the whole school?
Will Schuester: Exactly!
Kurt Hummel: They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I just had a facial.
Rachel Berry: I'll press charges if that happens.
Will Schuester: Guys, I can't express to you how important this assembly is. We need recruits. There're six of you. We need 12 to qualify for Regionals. We have no choice or... the club is over. I know you guys don't like this song, but we took Nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out." It's a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.
Finn Hudson: I'm dead.



Will Schuester: My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that, since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.
Peggy: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.
Terri Schuester: I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well... I... obviously, we're expecting a family, and I have a real sense that it might be a girl....
Will Schuester: Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this. It all happened so fast...



Triplets: Aaaahhh!
Will Schuester: It all started when Terri's sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.
Kendra Giardi: Well, I just don't understand where you're planning on putting the nursery.
Terri Schuester: I know.
Will Schuester: We have a second bedroom.
Kendra Giardi: You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that's going to keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. Postpartum runs in our family. Where are you going?
Phil Giardi: Bathroom. All that bran.
Kendra Giardi: No, you can't. Kyle needs his inhaler.
Will Schuester: Arrrg!
Kendra Giardi: Anyway, this conversation is over. They're starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.
Terri Schuester: Ah! You heard.
Kendra Giardi: You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly.
Phil Giardi: Can I eat this?



Peggy: This banister was made by Ecuadorian children.
Terri Schuester: Oh!
Will Schuester: It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price.
Terri Schuester: I am not raising our baby in a used house. They're not clean. Oh. Look at this sun nook. Isn't it beautiful?
Will Schuester: Is it extra?
Peggy: Hm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model... everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra $14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24. I'll let you two talk.
Terri Schuester: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Terri Schuester: Oh!
Will Schuester: We can't afford this.
Terri Schuester: We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee's, and we won't run the AC for the first couple of summers.
Will Schuester: Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer, and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew we'll lose everything. You need to pick one.
Terri Schuester: Come with me. I'm going to show you something really special. This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini-pianos in here, and you two could put on shows for me.
Will Schuester: I love it, Terri. But we still can't afford everything.
Terri Schuester: Hem! It's my very own Sophie's Choice. Fine. I'm going to give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles. Think of our family, Will. This is our dream.
Will Schuester: I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money, to make that dream come true.
Will Schuester: Let's go sign those papers.
Terri Schuester: Yes!



Kurt Hummel: You need to call me before you dress yourself.
Mercedes Jones: Whatever, whatever.
Kurt Hummel: You look like a Technicolor zebra.
Mercedes Jones: You're a hater. And I look like I'm a partier. That's what you are a hater. You're trying to copy me. It looks like...
Kurt Hummel: I planned it. You know what?
Mercedes Jones: If you're hair was longer you'd have curls.
Will Schuester: All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh!
Artie Abrams: Yes.
Mercedes Jones: For the assembly?
Will Schuester: No. We won't be ready in time. We're still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire, and it'll be awesome at Regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're going to succeed we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Shue, we'd really like to not do disco at that assembly.
Will Schuester: Finn, you're going to take the solo.
Finn Hudson: What? No, I.. I can't do the solo, Mr. Shue. I'm still learning... learning how to walk and sing at the same time.
Will Schuester: No problem. I'll walk you through it.
New Directions: Ooh!
Mercedes Jones: Challenge.
Will Schuester: Mercedes, you know this?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, I got this.
# She take my money, when I'm in need #
# Yeah, she's a trifflin' friend, indeed #
# Oh, she's a gold digger way over town #
# That digs on me #
New Directions: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke #
New Directions: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke broke #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head #
Artie Abrams: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Cutie da bomb #
# Met her at a beauty salon #
Artie Abrams: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # With a baby Louis Vuitton #
# Under her underarm, she said I can tell you rock #
Artie Abrams: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # I can tell by your charm #
Artie Abrams: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # Far as girls you got a flock #
# I can tell by your charm and your arm #
Artie Abrams: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # But I'm lookin' for the one #
# Have you seen her? #
Artie Abrams: # I gotta leave #
New Directions: # No, we ain't seen her! #
# She give my money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' #
# With no broke, broke, uh #
New Directions: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke, uh #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
# Get down, oh, oh #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
# Get down, girl #
Will Schuester: # Go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # 18 years, 18 years #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # She got one of yo' kids #
# Got you for 18 years #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # His baby mama car crib is bigger than his #
# You will see him on TV #
# Any given Sunday #
Mercedes Jones: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Win the Super Bowl #
# And drive off in a Hyundai #
# She was supposed to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # She went to the doctor #
# Got lipo with ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # She walkin' around lookin' like Michael with ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # Shoulda' got that insured #
# Geico for ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # If you ain't no crook #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # Holla' we want pre-nup #
New Directions: # We want pre-nup! Yeah! #
Will Schuester: Whou!
Tina Cohen-Chang: That was fun.
Will Schuester: All right, just like that. Ready?



Emma Pillsbury: Rachel, did you just throw up?
Rachel Berry: No.
Emma Pillsbury: You missed the toilet.
Rachel Berry: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.
Emma Pillsbury: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift. Let's have a little chat, okay?



Emma Pillsbury: Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease.
Rachel Berry: I don't have bulimia. I tried it and failed, and won't ever attempt it again.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Rachel Berry: It grossed me out.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, but I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.
Rachel Berry: I want to be thinner. And prettier like that Quinn girl.
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm, and, um, why is that?
Rachel Berry: Have you ever liked somebody so much, you just want to lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?
Emma Pillsbury: No!



Emma Pillsbury: # All by my... #
By myself. I'm by myself.
# Don't want to be... #



Emma Pillsbury: Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the day. Like, a long time ago I knew about that. You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don't care who he is. If he doesn't like you for the way you are, or if he's... you know, he's married with a baby on the way, with a baby on the way, that's not worth the heartache. with a baby on the way, You don't want to compromise... yourself... for that. Um... Have you just tried telling him how you feel?
Rachel Berry: He doesn't even notice me.
Emma Pillsbury: I see. Um, okay, well, here's what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All right? So find out what he likes. Then he'll see you in a positive way, and maybe you'll end up doing something unexpected.



Sue Sylvester: Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?
Finn Hudson: It just sort of happened.
Rachel Berry: I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting.
Sue Sylvester: You watch your tone, young lady. Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this.
Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally-challenged friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, pretty much what she said.



Rachel Berry: You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake. He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.
Finn Hudson: Who is Justin Timberlake?
Rachel Berry: It was a two-fold plan. We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.



Sue Sylvester: That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it.
Will Schuester: Hold on a second, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students.
Sue Sylvester: It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.
Will Schuester: How many copies did you guys make?
Sue Sylvester: 17.
Will Schuester: Okay! And how much does a photocopy cost?
Principal Figgins: Four-and-a-half cents.
Will Schuester: How about they just pay for the copies?
Principal Figgins: I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you protein shake off the photocopy room floor.
Sue Sylvester: That's why we have janitors.
Principal Figgins: Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made. I've laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand.
Sue Sylvester: Lady Justice wept today.



Finn Hudson: I'm sorry about that, Mr. Shue.
Rachel Berry: I'd like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.
Will Schuester: You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it.
Rachel Berry: Doing that song is going to kill any chance the Glee Club has. It's a terrible idea.
Will Schuester: I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. We're doing the assembly, and you're not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!
Finn Hudson: It's official. I'm a dead man.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, really talented.
Finn Hudson: Stop it.
Rachel Berry: I mean, maybe it'll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?
Finn Hudson: I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.



Will Schuester: Baby, I have some bad news.
Terri Schuester: A wealthy relative died?
Will Schuester: I don't have any wealthy relatives.
Terri Schuester: Oh!
Will Schuester: I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I... I can't find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.
Terri Schuester: Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break?
Will Schuester: No, no. It's going to be okay, baby. I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy...
Terri Schuester: No. You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer, I want my dream house. I work hard, I sacrifice, I deserve it. You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N' Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids... that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?



Will Schuester: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.
Principal Figgins: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I've been here till 10:00 p.m. every night up to my elbows in Vamoose.
Will Schuester: Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots? I'll work at half salary.



Quinn Fabray: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week. Rachel Whatshername.
Rachel Berry: Where are all the boys?
Quinn Fabray: Down the hall. First half hour, we separate. Then we come together to share our faith.



Finn Hudson: I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.
Jacob Ben Israel: I think I'm going to kill myself. I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day. Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation, not be able to do anything about it?
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.



Quinn Fabray: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.
Celibacy Club: It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing. Oh! Back it up like a dump truck, baby.
Amir: So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?
Finn Hudson: We grind, make out.
Jacob Ben Israel: But how do you keep from... arriving early? Whenever I grind, Cinco de Mayo.
Finn Hudson: It's not a problem for me, man. Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit.



Carole Hudson: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?
Finn Hudson: Driving's fun. Yeah.
Carole Hudson: Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?



Quinn Fabray: Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection. Now, remember, if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.
Jacob Ben Israel: You enchant me.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Stop it! Ah!
Noah Puckerman: Take it. Ah, yeah!
Finn Hudson: Oh!
Quinn Fabray: Finn.
Finn Hudson: It must have hit my zipper.
Rachel Berry: You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for.
Quinn Fabray: Don't you dare mention the "C" word.
Rachel Berry: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.
Jacob Ben Israel: Is...is that accurate?



Emma Pillsbury: Will?
Will Schuester: Aah... aah. Emma... what are you doing here so late?
Emma Pillsbury: I do SAT prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um, are you a janitor?
Will Schuester: A ja-- no.
Emma Pillsbury: Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor and your shirt says "Will."
Will Schuester: Um... Terri and I are trying to buy a house, and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and... I'm really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us? Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you, um...Do you want a hand?
Will Schuester: Oh, no. I... I'm good, really.
Emma Pillsbury: Really, because, um, I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E coli, because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos. I really admire you working so hard for something you want.
Will Schuester: Let's make a deal. You're helping me with my problem, how about I take a stab at one of yours?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no, I don't, I don't have a problem.
Will Schuester: You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I mean, I have, I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a... problem. Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.
Will Schuester: Really?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, when I was eight, we finally visited one, and after the tour and the yogurt tasting, my, my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.
Will Schuester: What?
Emma Pillsbury: And, um, ever since then I've just... I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh, the smell.
Will Schuester: Have you thought about, I don't know, maybe seeing someone about that?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no, it's completely manageable. You know, I just try to take lots of showers and I, um, you know, I don't eat dairy.
Will Schuester: So... I want to try...a little experiment.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with, with... that.
Will Schuester: There...Ten seconds.
Emma Pillsbury: New record. It's late. I should, um... I should be, um... going.



Rachel Berry: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.
Artie Abrams: But Mr. Schuester isn't here.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.
Mercedes Jones: I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Peron.
Finn Hudson: Let her talk.
Rachel Berry: I have another idea for the assembly.
Artie Abrams: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?
Rachel Berry: They're not going to kill us. Because we're going to give them what they want.
Kurt Hummel: Blood?
Rachel Berry: Better. Sex.



Principal Figgins: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.
Emma Pillsbury: Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!
Will Schuester: Hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I could tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm going to let some friends of mine show you instead.
New Directions: # Get up on this #
# Get up on this #
# Ooh, baby, baby #
# Ba-baby, baby #
# Ooh, baby, baby #
# Ba-baby, baby #
# Get up on this #
# Push it #
# Hey! #
# Get up on this #
# Push it #
Rachel Berry: # Sa, sa, sa, sa, sa #
# Salt and Pepa's here #
New Directions: # Get up on this #
Artie Abrams: # Now, wait a minute, y'all. #
# Now, this dance ain't for e'rybody #
# Only the sexy people #
# So all you fly mothers #
# Get on out there and dance #
# Dance, I said #
# Holla! #
Rachel Berry: # Sa-Salt and Pepa's here #
# And we're in effect, want you #
# To push it, babe #
# Coolin' by day, then at night #
# Workin' up a sweat, come on, girls #
# Let's go show the guys that we know #
# How to become number one in a hot party show #
# Now push it #
New Directions: # Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Puh-push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Get up on this #
# Hey! #
# Get up on this #
Finn Hudson: # Yo, baby pop #
# Yeah, you, come here, give me a kiss #
# Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed #
# Can you hear the music pumpin' hard #
# Like I wish you would? #
# Now push it #
New Directions: # Ah... #
# Push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Puh-push it real good #
# Ah... #
# Push it #
# Get up on this #
# Ah... push it #
# Get up on this #
Mercedes Jones: # Ow! #
Artie Abrams: # Holla! #
New Directions: # Get up on this #
# Ah... push it #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey! #
New Directions: # Ah... #
# Push it. #
Jacob Ben Israel: Yes!



Sue Sylvester: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.
Principal Figgins: We received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.
Will Schuester: I... I really don't know what to say.
Sue Sylvester: Well, let me help you out, then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.
Principal Figgins: Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community's values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.
Will Schuester: But all these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title.
Principal Figgins: But they're also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I'm not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.
Sue Sylvester: This will not stand.
Principal Figgins: Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.
Will Schuester: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is going to let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.
Rachel Berry: What's a "luftballoon"?
Will Schuester: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club. And I understand why you did what you did. But I don't like the way you did it.



Ken Tanaka: They're for Tulip-A-Looza. It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It's supposed to smell pretty nice.
Emma Pillsbury: That's really sweet of you, Ken, but I have a... asthma.
Ken Tanaka: What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse, and in this town, you're not going to do much better. Okay, I'm done talking now.



Rachel Berry: Try it.
Finn Hudson: # La. #
Rachel Berry: Good.
Finn Hudson: That was good.
Rachel Berry: Okay, one more up.
Finn Hudson: # La. #
Rachel Berry: That was really good.
Finn Hudson: Is that okay?
Rachel Berry: Yeah, it's like the Holy Grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note. All right, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher.
Finn Hudson: Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, sure. Well, lucky I prepared for that.
Finn Hudson: Wow, I was wondering what that was all about.
Rachel Berry: Want to sit?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Rachel Berry: I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly.
Finn Hudson: Well, this is...my only chance to be, you know, good like you.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm good?
Finn Hudson: Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then, I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.
Rachel Berry: Your heart's on the other side of your chest.
Finn Hudson: Oh. It's beating really hard. You're cool, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Do you want a drink?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Virgin Cosmos.
Finn Hudson: Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club, that was really cool.
Rachel Berry: Thanks. Well... Cheers.
Finn Hudson: Cheers. The cups are like the airplane cups.
Rachel Berry: Hun!
Finn Hudson: Oh, you got a little cosmo right... here.
Rachel Berry: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.
Finn Hudson: I want to.
Rachel Berry: What?
Carole Hudson: Oh, my God! What are you gonna do?
Rachel Berry: Did I do something wrong?
Finn Hudson: No, no. Um... I just got to go. Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?



Terri Schuester: I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.
Dr. Wu: Trust me, you're clear.
Terri Schuester: Are you sure?
Dr. Wu: Positive.
Terri Schuester: Is it a boy or a girl?
Dr. Wu: Um... I don't quite know how to put this. There's no baby.
Terri Schuester: Did it fall out?
Dr. Wu: Uh, no. Um...You're not pregnant.
Terri Schuester: But I've gained ten pounds.
Dr. Wu: It's probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen.



Will Schuester: I have to say, I'm a little surprised you guys are trying in on it.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now, so what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him?
Santana Lopez: Hum!
Will Schuester: Well, let's see what you've got.
Brittany & Santana: # Say a little prayer for you #
Quinn Fabray: # The moment I wake up #
# Before I put on my makeup #
Brittany & Santana: # Makeup #
Quinn Fabray: # I say a little #
Brittany & Santana: # Prayer for you #
Quinn Fabray: # While combing my hair now #
# And wonderin' what dress to wear now #
Brittany & Santana: # Wear now #
Quinn Fabray: # I say a little #
Brittany & Santana: # Prayer for you #
Unholy Trinity: # Forever, forever #
# You'll stay in my heart and I will love you #
# Forever and ever #
# We never will part, oh, how I love you #
# Together, together #
# That's how it must be to live without you #
# Would only mean heartbreak for me #



Sue Sylvester: Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club?
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don't kick us off the Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment, I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.
Quinn Fabray: And I'm going to get my boyfriend back.
Sue Sylvester: I don't care so much about that.



Will Schuester: Hey, Emma. Guess what? I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boys bathroom in the science wing? 9:00?
Emma Pillsbury: Will, what are we doing? I mean, you're having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh... I have a date.
Will Schuester: Oh, that's great.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Yeah, but, with who?
Emma Pillsbury: I'm going to go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken.



Terri Schuester: There's my man. Bringing home the bacon.
Will Schuester: You... you made dinner. I thought you'd be asleep.
Terri Schuester: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie. From scratch.
Will Schuester: Terri, that's so thoughtful. I... Yeah, you know, I've been working so hard lately, some...Sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for. Family's what's important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.
Terri Schuester: Yeah.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?
Terri Schuester: I went to the baby doctor today.
Will Schuester: And?
Terri Schuester: And... It's a boy.
Will Schuester: Oh, my God. Terri, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh!
Terri Schuester: I want you to give up being a janitor.
Will Schuester: What?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. We don't need a new house. We'll turn my craft room into a nursery. It's a compromise that I want to make.
Will Schuester: Really?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. You know the only project that I want to work on now...is us.
Will Schuester: I love you so much.



Rachel Berry: You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That's my solo.
Will Schuester: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinn's audition song was on Figgins's approved list, and frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.
Rachel Berry: You're punishing me.
Will Schuester: Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you. Or, I've realized, about me. Look, I screwed up, too. I'm as responsible for what you did at that assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that... that is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we're going to succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. You're not always going to be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We're on our way..
Rachel Berry: Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.
Will Schuester: Sure.



Rachel Berry: # You look so dumb right now #
# Standing outside my house #
# Trying to apologize #
# You're so ugly when you cry #
# Please just cut it out #
# And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not #
# Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught #
# But you put on quite a show #
Mercedes & Tina: # Ooh #
Rachel Berry: # Really had me going #
# Now it's time to go #
Mercedes & Tina: # Oh #
Rachel Berry: # Curtain's finally closing #
# That was quite a show #
Mercedes & Tina: # Ooh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Very entertaining #
# But it's over now #
Mercedes & Tina: # But it's over now #
Rachel Berry: # Go on and take a bow #
# Oh #
# And the award for the best liar goes to you #
Mercedes & Tina: # Goes to you #
Rachel Berry: # For making me believe that you could be faithful to me #
# Let's hear your speech out! #
# Oh! #
Mercedes & Tina: # Well, you put on quite a show #
# You really had me going #
Rachel Berry: # And now it's time to go #
# Curtain's finally closing #
# That was quite a show #
# Very entertaining #
# But it's over now #
Mercedes & Tina: # But it's over now #
Rachel Berry: # Go on and take a bow #
# But it's over now. #


Rachel Berry: Mr Schuester!
Will Schuester: Yea!
Rachel Berry: I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Rachel. But I already got one picked out.
Finn Hudson: Let me help you with that.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn. You're so chivalrous!
Finn Hudson: Thanks! That's a good thing, right?
Will Schuester: Morning, guys.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, Mr. Shue. We're just learning some runs.
Will Schuester: Oh! Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: So it goes, Ah!
Tina & Artie: Ah!
Will Schuester: With the finger, huh?
Mercedes Jones: Pretty fly for a white guy.
Will Schuester: Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon.
Mercedes Jones: Okay!
Will Schuester: All right. Morning, Kurt.
Noah Puckerman: Buenos nachos, Mr. Shue.
Will Schuester: Hey! Let's go, Titans!
Noah Puckerman: Yeah. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: Wait! One day you will all work for me.



Will Schuester: It was very, very nice. Diana! All right?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, Will, oh. Oh!
Will Schuester: Oh!
Emma Pillsbury: Gosh. Hi.
Will Schuester: Hey, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: Hey. Uh, I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club... it's where I belong.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, well, it's no problem. I mean, it's what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I'm a guidance counselor.
Will Schuester: Yeah, you are.
Emma Pillsbury: So.... oh, look, we match, periwinkle.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Get a room.
Quinn Fabray: Mrs. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Will Schuester: You got it



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue, you want to see me?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy. Come on in. I just blasted my hammies.
Will Schuester: Oh!
Sue Sylvester: Iron tablet?
Will Schuester: Uh...
Sue Sylvester: Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.
Will Schuester: I don't menstruate.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah? Neither do I. So I had a little chat with Principal Figgins, and he said that if you're group doesn't place at Regionals, he's cutting the program. Ouch.
Will Schuester: You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're going to be fine.
Sue Sylvester: Really? Cause I was at the local library, where I read Cheerleading Today aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner. Show Choir Rule Book... And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for Regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five-and-a-half. Here. Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you.... maybe you could find some recruits.... because I'm not sure there's anybody else who's going to want to swim over to your Island of Misfit Toys.
Will Schuester: Are you threatening me, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha. Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it, you want to be me. So, here's the deal: you do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother: euthanize it. It's time. Now I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates; it'll be very rewarding work for you.
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here...
Sue Sylvester: Offensive.
Will Schuester: ...but it looks like your Cheerios are going to have some competition. We're going to show at Regionals. You have my word on that. Have a good day.



Quinn Fabray: We are in line to be the most popular kids in this school over the next couple of years.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I know.
Quinn Fabray: Prom king and queen, homecoming court royalty, I'm not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can "express yourself."
Finn Hudson: Look, you're making too big a deal out of this.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, let's compromise. If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast.
Finn Hudson: Under the shirt?
Quinn Fabray: Over the bra
Finn Hudson: No, no. I can't.
Quinn Fabray: Oh!
Finn Hudson: I want to do Glee. I.. I'm really happy when I'm performing.
Quinn Fabray: People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.
Finn Hudson: Look, I.. I...I got to go to class, okay? Just relax. Everything's going to work out.
Quinn Fabray: Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him, you can sing with him, but you will never have him.
Rachel Berry: I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection, but I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up and yours is going down... deal with it.
Noah Puckerman: Holla.



New Directions: # Ah, freak out #
# Le freak, c'est chic #
Will Schuester: Energy, guys.
New Directions: # Freak out #
Will Schuester: It's disco.
New Directions: # Le freak, c'est chic #
# Ah, freak out #
Will Schuester: Good with the hands... John Travolta hands. All right.
New Directions: # Le freak, c'est chic #
Will Schuester: Freak it out. Let's go.
New Directions: # Freak out #
# Le freak, c'est chic #
Will Schuester: And up and out and down and... good.
New Directions: # Have you heard about the new dance craze? #
Will Schuester: Good, good, guys.
New Directions: # Listen to us #
# I'm sure you'll be amazed #
# Big fun... #
Mercedes Jones: Whoa! Whoa! Stop! Hell to the nah. First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible.
Will Schuester: Okay, no, no, it's not the song. You guys just need to get into it.
Kurt Hummel: No, it's the song. It's really gay.
Artie Abrams: We need modern music, Mr. Shue.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, guys. We don't have time to discuss this. We're doing the song this Friday at the pep assembly.
Tina Cohen-Chang: In f...front of the whole school?
Will Schuester: Exactly!
Kurt Hummel: They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I just had a facial.
Rachel Berry: I'll press charges if that happens.
Will Schuester: Guys, I can't express to you how important this assembly is. We need recruits. There're six of you. We need 12 to qualify for Regionals. We have no choice or... the club is over. I know you guys don't like this song, but we took Nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out." It's a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.
Finn Hudson: I'm dead.



Will Schuester: My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that, since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.
Peggy: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.
Terri Schuester: I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well... I... obviously, we're expecting a family, and I have a real sense that it might be a girl....
Will Schuester: Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this. It all happened so fast...



Triplets: Aaaahhh!
Will Schuester: It all started when Terri's sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.
Kendra Giardi: Well, I just don't understand where you're planning on putting the nursery.
Terri Schuester: I know.
Will Schuester: We have a second bedroom.
Kendra Giardi: You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that's going to keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. Postpartum runs in our family. Where are you going?
Phil Giardi: Bathroom. All that bran.
Kendra Giardi: No, you can't. Kyle needs his inhaler.
Will Schuester: Arrrg!
Kendra Giardi: Anyway, this conversation is over. They're starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.
Terri Schuester: Ah! You heard.
Kendra Giardi: You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly.
Phil Giardi: Can I eat this?



Peggy: This banister was made by Ecuadorian children.
Terri Schuester: Oh!
Will Schuester: It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price.
Terri Schuester: I am not raising our baby in a used house. They're not clean. Oh. Look at this sun nook. Isn't it beautiful?
Will Schuester: Is it extra?
Peggy: Hm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model... everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra $14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24. I'll let you two talk.
Terri Schuester: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Terri Schuester: Oh!
Will Schuester: We can't afford this.
Terri Schuester: We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee's, and we won't run the AC for the first couple of summers.
Will Schuester: Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer, and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew we'll lose everything. You need to pick one.
Terri Schuester: Come with me. I'm going to show you something really special. This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini-pianos in here, and you two could put on shows for me.
Will Schuester: I love it, Terri. But we still can't afford everything.
Terri Schuester: Hem! It's my very own Sophie's Choice. Fine. I'm going to give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles. Think of our family, Will. This is our dream.
Will Schuester: I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money, to make that dream come true.
Will Schuester: Let's go sign those papers.
Terri Schuester: Yes!



Kurt Hummel: You need to call me before you dress yourself.
Mercedes Jones: Whatever, whatever.
Kurt Hummel: You look like a Technicolor zebra.
Mercedes Jones: You're a hater. And I look like I'm a partier. That's what you are a hater. You're trying to copy me. It looks like...
Kurt Hummel: I planned it. You know what?
Mercedes Jones: If you're hair was longer you'd have curls.
Will Schuester: All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh!
Artie Abrams: Yes.
Mercedes Jones: For the assembly?
Will Schuester: No. We won't be ready in time. We're still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire, and it'll be awesome at Regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're going to succeed we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Shue, we'd really like to not do disco at that assembly.
Will Schuester: Finn, you're going to take the solo.
Finn Hudson: What? No, I.. I can't do the solo, Mr. Shue. I'm still learning... learning how to walk and sing at the same time.
Will Schuester: No problem. I'll walk you through it.
New Directions: Ooh!
Mercedes Jones: Challenge.
Will Schuester: Mercedes, you know this?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, I got this.
# She take my money, when I'm in need #
# Yeah, she's a trifflin' friend, indeed #
# Oh, she's a gold digger way over town #
# That digs on me #
New Directions: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke #
New Directions: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke broke #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head #
Artie Abrams: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Cutie da bomb #
# Met her at a beauty salon #
Artie Abrams: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # With a baby Louis Vuitton #
# Under her underarm, she said I can tell you rock #
Artie Abrams: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # I can tell by your charm #
Artie Abrams: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # Far as girls you got a flock #
# I can tell by your charm and your arm #
Artie Abrams: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # But I'm lookin' for the one #
# Have you seen her? #
Artie Abrams: # I gotta leave #
New Directions: # No, we ain't seen her! #
# She give my money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' #
# With no broke, broke, uh #
New Directions: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #
New Directions: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke, uh #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
# Get down, oh, oh #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
# Get down, girl #
Will Schuester: # Go 'head, get down #
New Directions: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # 18 years, 18 years #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # She got one of yo' kids #
# Got you for 18 years #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # His baby mama car crib is bigger than his #
# You will see him on TV #
# Any given Sunday #
Mercedes Jones: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # Win the Super Bowl #
# And drive off in a Hyundai #
# She was supposed to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # I gotta leave #
Will Schuester: # She went to the doctor #
# Got lipo with ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # She walkin' around lookin' like Michael with ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # Shoulda' got that insured #
# Geico for ya money #
Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #
Will Schuester: # If you ain't no crook #
Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #
Will Schuester: # Holla' we want pre-nup #
New Directions: # We want pre-nup! Yeah! #
Will Schuester: Whou!
Tina Cohen-Chang: That was fun.
Will Schuester: All right, just like that. Ready?



Emma Pillsbury: Rachel, did you just throw up?
Rachel Berry: No.
Emma Pillsbury: You missed the toilet.
Rachel Berry: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.
Emma Pillsbury: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift. Let's have a little chat, okay?



Emma Pillsbury: Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease.
Rachel Berry: I don't have bulimia. I tried it and failed, and won't ever attempt it again.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Rachel Berry: It grossed me out.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, but I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.
Rachel Berry: I want to be thinner. And prettier like that Quinn girl.
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm, and, um, why is that?
Rachel Berry: Have you ever liked somebody so much, you just want to lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?
Emma Pillsbury: No!



Emma Pillsbury: # All by my... #
By myself. I'm by myself.
# Don't want to be... #



Emma Pillsbury: Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the day. Like, a long time ago I knew about that. You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don't care who he is. If he doesn't like you for the way you are, or if he's... you know, he's married with a baby on the way, with a baby on the way, that's not worth the heartache. with a baby on the way, You don't want to compromise... yourself... for that. Um... Have you just tried telling him how you feel?
Rachel Berry: He doesn't even notice me.
Emma Pillsbury: I see. Um, okay, well, here's what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All right? So find out what he likes. Then he'll see you in a positive way, and maybe you'll end up doing something unexpected.



Sue Sylvester: Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?
Finn Hudson: It just sort of happened.
Rachel Berry: I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting.
Sue Sylvester: You watch your tone, young lady. Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this.
Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally-challenged friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, pretty much what she said.



Rachel Berry: You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake. He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.
Finn Hudson: Who is Justin Timberlake?
Rachel Berry: It was a two-fold plan. We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.



Sue Sylvester: That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it.
Will Schuester: Hold on a second, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students.
Sue Sylvester: It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.
Will Schuester: How many copies did you guys make?
Sue Sylvester: 17.
Will Schuester: Okay! And how much does a photocopy cost?
Principal Figgins: Four-and-a-half cents.
Will Schuester: How about they just pay for the copies?
Principal Figgins: I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you protein shake off the photocopy room floor.
Sue Sylvester: That's why we have janitors.
Principal Figgins: Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made. I've laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand.
Sue Sylvester: Lady Justice wept today.



Finn Hudson: I'm sorry about that, Mr. Shue.
Rachel Berry: I'd like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.
Will Schuester: You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it.
Rachel Berry: Doing that song is going to kill any chance the Glee Club has. It's a terrible idea.
Will Schuester: I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. We're doing the assembly, and you're not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!
Finn Hudson: It's official. I'm a dead man.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, really talented.
Finn Hudson: Stop it.
Rachel Berry: I mean, maybe it'll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?
Finn Hudson: I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.



Will Schuester: Baby, I have some bad news.
Terri Schuester: A wealthy relative died?
Will Schuester: I don't have any wealthy relatives.
Terri Schuester: Oh!
Will Schuester: I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I... I can't find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.
Terri Schuester: Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break?
Will Schuester: No, no. It's going to be okay, baby. I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy...
Terri Schuester: No. You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer, I want my dream house. I work hard, I sacrifice, I deserve it. You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N' Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids... that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?



Will Schuester: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.
Principal Figgins: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I've been here till 10:00 p.m. every night up to my elbows in Vamoose.
Will Schuester: Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots? I'll work at half salary.



Quinn Fabray: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week. Rachel Whatshername.
Rachel Berry: Where are all the boys?
Quinn Fabray: Down the hall. First half hour, we separate. Then we come together to share our faith.



Finn Hudson: I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.
Jacob Ben Israel: I think I'm going to kill myself. I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day. Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation, not be able to do anything about it?
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.



Quinn Fabray: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.
Celibacy Club: It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing. Oh! Back it up like a dump truck, baby.
Amir: So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?
Finn Hudson: We grind, make out.
Jacob Ben Israel: But how do you keep from... arriving early? Whenever I grind, Cinco de Mayo.
Finn Hudson: It's not a problem for me, man. Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit.



Carole Hudson: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?
Finn Hudson: Driving's fun. Yeah.
Carole Hudson: Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?



Quinn Fabray: Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection. Now, remember, if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.
Jacob Ben Israel: You enchant me.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Stop it! Ah!
Noah Puckerman: Take it. Ah, yeah!
Finn Hudson: Oh!
Quinn Fabray: Finn.
Finn Hudson: It must have hit my zipper.
Rachel Berry: You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for.
Quinn Fabray: Don't you dare mention the "C" word.
Rachel Berry: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.
Jacob Ben Israel: Is...is that accurate?



Emma Pillsbury: Will?
Will Schuester: Aah... aah. Emma... what are you doing here so late?
Emma Pillsbury: I do SAT prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um, are you a janitor?
Will Schuester: A ja-- no.
Emma Pillsbury: Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor and your shirt says "Will."
Will Schuester: Um... Terri and I are trying to buy a house, and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and... I'm really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us? Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you, um...Do you want a hand?
Will Schuester: Oh, no. I... I'm good, really.
Emma Pillsbury: Really, because, um, I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E coli, because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos. I really admire you working so hard for something you want.
Will Schuester: Let's make a deal. You're helping me with my problem, how about I take a stab at one of yours?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no, I don't, I don't have a problem.
Will Schuester: You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I mean, I have, I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a... problem. Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.
Will Schuester: Really?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, when I was eight, we finally visited one, and after the tour and the yogurt tasting, my, my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.
Will Schuester: What?
Emma Pillsbury: And, um, ever since then I've just... I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh, the smell.
Will Schuester: Have you thought about, I don't know, maybe seeing someone about that?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no, it's completely manageable. You know, I just try to take lots of showers and I, um, you know, I don't eat dairy.
Will Schuester: So... I want to try...a little experiment.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with, with... that.
Will Schuester: There...Ten seconds.
Emma Pillsbury: New record. It's late. I should, um... I should be, um... going.



Rachel Berry: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.
Artie Abrams: But Mr. Schuester isn't here.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.
Mercedes Jones: I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Peron.
Finn Hudson: Let her talk.
Rachel Berry: I have another idea for the assembly.
Artie Abrams: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?
Rachel Berry: They're not going to kill us. Because we're going to give them what they want.
Kurt Hummel: Blood?
Rachel Berry: Better. Sex.



Principal Figgins: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.
Emma Pillsbury: Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!
Will Schuester: Hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I could tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm going to let some friends of mine show you instead.
New Directions: # Get up on this #
# Get up on this #
# Ooh, baby, baby #
# Ba-baby, baby #
# Ooh, baby, baby #
# Ba-baby, baby #
# Get up on this #
# Push it #
# Hey! #
# Get up on this #
# Push it #
Rachel Berry: # Sa, sa, sa, sa, sa #
# Salt and Pepa's here #
New Directions: # Get up on this #
Artie Abrams: # Now, wait a minute, y'all. #
# Now, this dance ain't for e'rybody #
# Only the sexy people #
# So all you fly mothers #
# Get on out there and dance #
# Dance, I said #
# Holla! #
Rachel Berry: # Sa-Salt and Pepa's here #
# And we're in effect, want you #
# To push it, babe #
# Coolin' by day, then at night #
# Workin' up a sweat, come on, girls #
# Let's go show the guys that we know #
# How to become number one in a hot party show #
# Now push it #
New Directions: # Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Puh-push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Get up on this #
# Hey! #
# Get up on this #
Finn Hudson: # Yo, baby pop #
# Yeah, you, come here, give me a kiss #
# Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed #
# Can you hear the music pumpin' hard #
# Like I wish you would? #
# Now push it #
New Directions: # Ah... #
# Push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Puh-push it real good #
# Ah... #
# Push it #
# Get up on this #
# Ah... push it #
# Get up on this #
Mercedes Jones: # Ow! #
Artie Abrams: # Holla! #
New Directions: # Get up on this #
# Ah... push it #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey! #
New Directions: # Ah... #
# Push it. #
Jacob Ben Israel: Yes!



Sue Sylvester: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.
Principal Figgins: We received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.
Will Schuester: I... I really don't know what to say.
Sue Sylvester: Well, let me help you out, then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.
Principal Figgins: Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community's values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.
Will Schuester: But all these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title.
Principal Figgins: But they're also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I'm not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.
Sue Sylvester: This will not stand.
Principal Figgins: Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.
Will Schuester: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is going to let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.
Rachel Berry: What's a "luftballoon"?
Will Schuester: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club. And I understand why you did what you did. But I don't like the way you did it.



Ken Tanaka: They're for Tulip-A-Looza. It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It's supposed to smell pretty nice.
Emma Pillsbury: That's really sweet of you, Ken, but I have a... asthma.
Ken Tanaka: What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse, and in this town, you're not going to do much better. Okay, I'm done talking now.



Rachel Berry: Try it.
Finn Hudson: # La. #
Rachel Berry: Good.
Finn Hudson: That was good.
Rachel Berry: Okay, one more up.
Finn Hudson: # La. #
Rachel Berry: That was really good.
Finn Hudson: Is that okay?
Rachel Berry: Yeah, it's like the Holy Grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note. All right, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher.
Finn Hudson: Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, sure. Well, lucky I prepared for that.
Finn Hudson: Wow, I was wondering what that was all about.
Rachel Berry: Want to sit?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Rachel Berry: I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly.
Finn Hudson: Well, this is...my only chance to be, you know, good like you.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm good?
Finn Hudson: Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then, I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.
Rachel Berry: Your heart's on the other side of your chest.
Finn Hudson: Oh. It's beating really hard. You're cool, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Do you want a drink?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Virgin Cosmos.
Finn Hudson: Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club, that was really cool.
Rachel Berry: Thanks. Well... Cheers.
Finn Hudson: Cheers. The cups are like the airplane cups.
Rachel Berry: Hun!
Finn Hudson: Oh, you got a little cosmo right... here.
Rachel Berry: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.
Finn Hudson: I want to.
Rachel Berry: What?
Carole Hudson: Oh, my God! What are you gonna do?
Rachel Berry: Did I do something wrong?
Finn Hudson: No, no. Um... I just got to go. Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?



Terri Schuester: I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.
Dr. Wu: Trust me, you're clear.
Terri Schuester: Are you sure?
Dr. Wu: Positive.
Terri Schuester: Is it a boy or a girl?
Dr. Wu: Um... I don't quite know how to put this. There's no baby.
Terri Schuester: Did it fall out?
Dr. Wu: Uh, no. Um...You're not pregnant.
Terri Schuester: But I've gained ten pounds.
Dr. Wu: It's probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen.



Will Schuester: I have to say, I'm a little surprised you guys are trying in on it.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now, so what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him?
Santana Lopez: Hum!
Will Schuester: Well, let's see what you've got.
Brittany & Santana: # Say a little prayer for you #
Quinn Fabray: # The moment I wake up #
# Before I put on my makeup #
Brittany & Santana: # Makeup #
Quinn Fabray: # I say a little #
Brittany & Santana: # Prayer for you #
Quinn Fabray: # While combing my hair now #
# And wonderin' what dress to wear now #
Brittany & Santana: # Wear now #
Quinn Fabray: # I say a little #
Brittany & Santana: # Prayer for you #
Unholy Trinity: # Forever, forever #
# You'll stay in my heart and I will love you #
# Forever and ever #
# We never will part, oh, how I love you #
# Together, together #
# That's how it must be to live without you #
# Would only mean heartbreak for me #



Sue Sylvester: Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club?
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don't kick us off the Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment, I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.
Quinn Fabray: And I'm going to get my boyfriend back.
Sue Sylvester: I don't care so much about that.



Will Schuester: Hey, Emma. Guess what? I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boys bathroom in the science wing? 9:00?
Emma Pillsbury: Will, what are we doing? I mean, you're having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh... I have a date.
Will Schuester: Oh, that's great.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Yeah, but, with who?
Emma Pillsbury: I'm going to go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken.



Terri Schuester: There's my man. Bringing home the bacon.
Will Schuester: You... you made dinner. I thought you'd be asleep.
Terri Schuester: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie. From scratch.
Will Schuester: Terri, that's so thoughtful. I... Yeah, you know, I've been working so hard lately, some...Sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for. Family's what's important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.
Terri Schuester: Yeah.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?
Terri Schuester: I went to the baby doctor today.
Will Schuester: And?
Terri Schuester: And... It's a boy.
Will Schuester: Oh, my God. Terri, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh!
Terri Schuester: I want you to give up being a janitor.
Will Schuester: What?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. We don't need a new house. We'll turn my craft room into a nursery. It's a compromise that I want to make.
Will Schuester: Really?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. You know the only project that I want to work on now...is us.
Will Schuester: I love you so much.



Rachel Berry: You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That's my solo.
Will Schuester: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinn's audition song was on Figgins's approved list, and frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.
Rachel Berry: You're punishing me.
Will Schuester: Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you. Or, I've realized, about me. Look, I screwed up, too. I'm as responsible for what you did at that assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that... that is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we're going to succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. You're not always going to be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We're on our way..
Rachel Berry: Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.
Will Schuester: Sure.



Rachel Berry: # You look so dumb right now #
# Standing outside my house #
# Trying to apologize #
# You're so ugly when you cry #
# Please just cut it out #
# And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not #
# Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught #
# But you put on quite a show #
Mercedes & Tina: # Ooh #
Rachel Berry: # Really had me going #
# Now it's time to go #
Mercedes & Tina: # Oh #
Rachel Berry: # Curtain's finally closing #
# That was quite a show #
Mercedes & Tina: # Ooh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Very entertaining #
# But it's over now #
Mercedes & Tina: # But it's over now #
Rachel Berry: # Go on and take a bow #
# Oh #
# And the award for the best liar goes to you #
Mercedes & Tina: # Goes to you #
Rachel Berry: # For making me believe that you could be faithful to me #
# Let's hear your speech out! #
# Oh! #
Mercedes & Tina: # Well, you put on quite a show #
# You really had me going #
Rachel Berry: # And now it's time to go #
# Curtain's finally closing #
# That was quite a show #
# Very entertaining #
# But it's over now #
Mercedes & Tina: # But it's over now #
Rachel Berry: # Go on and take a bow #
# But it's over now. #
外部リンク
 Glee Wiki
 Hypnoweb.net
 IMDb
 Wikipedia
 ウィキペディア:ゲータレード
 Wikipedia - Susan Smith
 Applebee's
 ウィキペディア:ソフィーの選択
 ウィキペディア:カニエ・ウェスト
 ウィキペディア:シンコ・デ・マヨ
 ウィキペディア:スペシャルオリンピックス
 Glee Wiki
 Wikipedia - Tulip Time Festival
 Wikipedia - Baritenor
 Life Should Be Delicious!: Sparkling Virgin Cosmo
 it's all about control - full version of I Say a Little Prayer

103. Acafellas

放送日:2009年9月16日


Mrs. Schuester: When did you start cooking, Terri?
Terri Schuester: Oh, it's just hamburger casserole. Look out for bones.
Will Schuester: 
I'm sorry. I, um... I can't hold it in any longer. Um... Mom, dad. Terri's pregnant.
Terri Schuester: What?
Will Schuester: It's a boy.
Mrs. Schuester: Oh! Our first grandbaby!
Mr. Schuester: Oh, that's fantastic.
Terri Schuester: Thank you, yeah. sweetheart. honey?
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Terri Schuester: I thought we weren't going to tell anybody yet.
Will Schuester: 
Oh, your secret is safe with me. I spent six months in the Hanoi Hilton, never said a word. Am I right, doodle?
Mrs. Schuester: That's right, honey.
Terri Schuester: Oh! Yeah, we're going to turn the craft room into the nursery.
Mrs. Schuester: Oh! Show me!
Terri Schuester: Okay.
Mr. Schuester: I'm really happy for you, son.
Will Schuester: Tell you the truth, I'm terrified. I don't know how to do this.
Mr. Schuester: 
No one does. Look at me. I was a mess. I worked all the time, traveling. I was too strict.
Will Schuester: 
Okay, you're not instilling with a great deal of confidence here, dad. I mean, I'm already up all night thinking about this.
Mr. Schuester: That's my fault! ...The confidence thing. Boys learn that ...
Will Schuester: No.
Mr. Schuester: 
...from their fathers. I started at zuckerman and zuckerman in college. I needed some extra cash. I was saving up...for law school. But I never went. I never even applied. Didn't have the balls. So, I settled for insurance. I mean, who was I to become a lawyer?
Will Schuester: You would have been a great one.
Mr. Schuester: 
You're the smartest guy I know. It's not about brains, son. Being a good father... hell, being a man. Is all about one thing: Guts. And you've got about six months to figure out if you have any.



Will Schuester: 
... five, six, seven, eight. Step and step. Step and step. And turn it around. Down and up. And hit, hit... down... hit...
Rachel Berry: Can we stop, please?
Will Schuester: 
You don't have to ask me every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel. you can just go.
Rachel Berry: It's not my bladder. It's the choreography.
Will Schuester: Okay, what's wrong with the choreography?



Quinn Fabray: It sucks.
Santana Lopez: It's completely unoriginal.
Rachel Berry: Are you guys going to get shunned for talking to me?
Quinn Fabray: 
Sweetie, we're a team now. But you've got to do something about Mr. Schue's dance routines.



Rachel Berry: 
We can't compete with Vocal Adrenaline with these steps. You're a great vocal coach, Mr. Schue, But you're not a... a trained choreographer. That's what we need to be the best. We need Dakota Stanley.



Quinn Fabray: 
He's the best show choir choreographer in the Midwest. We Works with Vocal Adrenaline.
Santana Lopez: 
You can't take regionals without him. He was the understudy to the candelabra in "Beauty and the Beast" on Broadway



Will Schuester: Just because he understudied doesn't mean he ever performed.
Quinn Fabray: Did you ever perform, Mr. Schuester? After high school. did you even try?



Will Schuester: I wanted to. That was my dream, you know? I-I just never had...
Emma Pillsbury: 
The guts? They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. I mean, look at, um... look at John Stamos.
Will Schuester: 
I don't know. I guess I'm also just nervous about being a dad. You know, I want my kid to be proud of me. I want to set a good example, you know? I... I hope it's cool...me unloading on you like this. I don't want there to be any awkwardness.
Emma Pillsbury: 
Oh, no. no, none at all. I mean, you know, especially since we're, um, we're both in relationships now. It's both of us.
Will Schuester: Right.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm in a relationship. you're in a relationship.
Will Schuester: Exactly, yeah. How's it going with Ken?
Emma Pillsbury: 
Great. it's great. it's wonderful. I mean, you know, he's... he's flawed, But he... he knows who he is, and that's.... that's great. And there really is. Nothing sexier in a man than confidence, you know?



Will Schuester: Sandy. I thought you weren't allowed on campus.
Sandy Ryerson: 
No, William. I'm not allowed within 50 feet of children. Besides, Henri and I go way back. I got him a job before we even had a shop class. I told Figgins that you are going to have a school full of nancies unless you get some hot wood. In those teenagers' hands.
Ken Tanaka: Here comes Henri.
Will Schuester: Ah, shoot. Terri was supposed to bring a cake.
Henri St. Pierre: I'm back.



Will Schuester: 
Henri had a little problem with over-the-counter cough medicine. He ended up cutting off his thumbs. It was a real tragedy.



Henri St. Pierre: I'll never hitchhike across Europe. That was a dream, man.
Will Schuester: Hum!...
Sandy Ryerson: Waouh! ...
Will Schuester: Where's Terri?
Howard Bamboo: Doing inventory. I can't count higher than 30.
Will Schuester: 
You know, This is nice. I can't remember the last time. I just hung out with the guys. Really talked about our feelings.
Ken Tanaka: 
Want to know what I'm feeling? I live at the YMCA. I only have one pair of long pants.
Sandy Ryerson: 
Oh, please. my life is a disaster with no creative outlet other than writing my Desperate Housewives fan fiction.
Howard Bamboo: I'm afraid of my vacuum.
Will Schuester: I know how you guys feel. I apparently don't know how to dance.
Henri St. Pierre: I don't have thumbs.
Will Schuester: Um.... Sorry.
Sandy Ryerson: # For he's a jolly good fellow #
Will & Ken & Howard & Sandy: 
# For he's a jolly good fellow #
# For he's a jolly good fellow #
# That nobody can deny. #
Will Schuester: 
Hey, that was pretty good.
# This is how we do it... #



Will Schuester: 
Two weeks ago, I would have agreed that four grown men rehearsing a capella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing. But busting out some white-hot new jack swing... I'll tell you, I've never felt more confident... Henri thought we should call our group...
Henri St. Pierre: ...Crescendudes.
Will Schuester: ...while Ken thought...
Ken Tanaka: ...Testostertones.
Will Schuester: 
...was more manly. And then, we heard a single word leaves Howard's lips, and then, we knew we had our name.
Howard Bamboo: ...Acafellas.
Sandy Ryerson: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
Will Schuester: Sandy, we voted. when you're in the group, it's creepy.
Sandy Ryerson: Wait. I...
Will Schuester: # This is how we do it #
Acafellas: # This is how we do it. #
Terri Schuester: Will! If I don't get some sleep, I could miscarry.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, Terri. I'll be right in.
Terri Schuester: I hope so.



Will Schuester: 
Being in a boy band did wonders for our love life. Seeing me feel so good about myself made my wife more attracted to me in every way. It was amazing. I mean, we started doing it once a week. It was like she was trying to make a twin.
Terri Schuester: Mm...



Rachel Berry: He's not coming.
Finn Hudson: What happened?



Rachel Berry: 
They're my famous sugar cookies. I bake them for the poor during Christmas time, But I whipped up a special batch just for you. I wanted to say how sorry. I was for what I said.
Will Schuester: 
Don't be. you were right. You know, the truth is, Rachel, if you weren't so hard on me, I never would have had the guts to start Acafellas.
Rachel Berry: 
But we need you, Mr. Schue. You've missed six rehearsals in the past couple of weeks, And when you're there, you're not really there.
Will Schuester: Which is why I think you should go ahead and hire Montana.
Rachel Berry: Dakota.
Will Schuester: 
Whatever. You know, I'll still be there to help you guys sing and stuff, but, uh, I just don't have time for all of it anymore.



Finn Hudson: 
Of course he doesn't want anything to do with us after you kicked him in the nads.
Rachel Berry: Then why did he thank me?
Santana Lopez: 
The goal is to win. And now that Mr. Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can.
Finn Hudson: 
But he doesn't want us to. he just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.
Rachel Berry: And that's my fault?
Finn Hudson: 
Do you see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm sorry" cookies? I don't... just you.
Quinn Fabray: I'm bored. All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley?



Finn Hudson: Hey, wait up. You can't do this to Mr. Schuester.
Rachel Berry: 
What? Make him a hero? Once we hire Dakota and win nationals. He'll thank me for it. You heard Santana. It's all about winning.
Finn Hudson: Since when?
Rachel Berry: 
Look, you have your popular clique and your football and your cliché of a blond girlfriend. Glee is my one shot. If this doesn't work out, then my whole high school life will be nothing but an embarrassment.
Finn Hudson: 
What's a cliché? Is that a bad thing? Wait, wait, wait, wait... Wait! Where you're pissed about one thing, but you're just pretending. Like you're pissed about something else? 'Cause...
Rachel Berry: I don't know what you're talking about.
Finn Hudson: 
Well, for a while there, you were kind of all over me. And now you just yell at me all the time. It makes me think that you're still upset about what happened in the auditorium.
Rachel Berry: I'm not. I've moved on and I'm focusing on my career now.
Finn Hudson: So you want to talk about it?
Rachel Berry: 
No. And neither do you. It's kind of ironic how you're Mr. Popular. And I'm just this no body that everybody makes fun of, but I have enough confidence to say out loud. That what happened between us in the auditorium was real. You have feelings for me and you just don't have the guts to admit it. We're hiring Dakota Stanley.
Finn Hudson: Even if it means me quitting?
Rachel Berry: Yes.



Sue Sylvester: It's a good start. You're sewing the seeds of destruction.
Santana Lopez: Mr. Schuester barely even shows up for rehearsals.
Sue Sylvester: 
Oh, no, no, no. "Barely" will not cut it. I will not be satisfied until glee club is disbanded. And what about this Dakota character? Any chance he actually helps?
Quinn Fabray: 
They're soft. He'll eat them alive. I give them 15 minutes before the first one quits or tries to commit suicide.
Sue Sylvester: 
You know, ladies... I learned a lot in special forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd... Then we went after the sheep. You need to go after these glee clubbers one by one. I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine.



Mercedes Jones: Have you ever kissed anybody?
Kurt Hummel: 
Yes. If by someone you mean the tender crook of my elbow. No, I haven't. But I want to. Okay, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in glee club. That means we are at the bottom of the social heap. Special ed kids will get more play than we will. The only thing that gets me by is my knowledge that we are superior to all of them. What are you wearing on our operation Dakota Stanley field trip?
Mercedes Jones: Is there a dress code?
Kurt Hummel: 
No, but every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion. We'll hit the mall after school. Meet me at lunch.
Mercedes Jones: Okay.
Quinn Fabray: You should totally scoop that.
Mercedes Jones: I don't think I'm his type.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, I think you are. Just follow our lead. We've got your back.



Will Schuester: 
# Oh, Poison #
# Yeah, spider-man and freeze in full effect #
# You ready, Ken #
Ken Tanaka: # I'm ready #
Will Schuester: # You ready, Henri? #
Henri St. Pierre: # I'm ready, Will, are you? #
Will Schuester: # Aw, yeah, break it down #
Acafellas: # Girl #
Will Schuester: # Girl, I must #
Acafellas: # Warn you #
Will Schuester: 
# I sense something strange in my mind #
# The situation is #
Acafellas: # Serious #
Will Schuester: # Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time #
Howard Bamboo: # Can't get her out of my head #
Henri St. Pierre: # Miss her, kiss her, love her #
Ken Tanaka: # Wrong move, you're dead #
Henri St. Pierre: # That girl is #
Acafellas: 
# Poison #
# Whoa, whoa, whoa #
Howard Bamboo: 
# Never trust a big butt and smile #
# That girl is #
Acafellas: # Poison #
Ken Tanaka: 
# Poison deadly moving it slow #
# Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe #
# Getting paid laid, better lay low #
# scheming on the hots, my end the pro show #
# Low pro ho should be cut like an afro #
# See what you're saying, huh? #
# She weighin' me, but I know she's a loser #
Henri St. Pierre: # How do you know? #
Acafellas: # Me and the crew used to do her. #
Emma Pillsbury: Yay.... Ken... Ken Tanaka.
Will Schuester: In my own little way, I felt like I was finally... a star.
Mr. Schuester: Thank you so much.
Mrs. Schuester: Acafellas!
Mr. Schuester: Hey! Son, this is huge.
Will Schuester: Oh!...
Mrs. Schuester: Ah!...
Mr. Schuester: We just sold all 17 copies of your CD.
Mrs. Schuester: I didn't even have to show any of them my bosoms.
Mr. Schuester: Doodle honey, you go get yourself a sanka.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Mrs. Schuester: Okay.
Will Schuester: Thanks, mom. Good job.
Mr. Schuester: 
I bought one for my grandson. So he can hear for himself how good his old man was.
Will Schuester: Ah! ...
Principal Figgins: Schue, that was an amazing performance.
Will Schuester: Oh, thank you. I mean, we're just starting out, so...
Principal Figgins: 
Look, there's a PTA meeting next Thursday night and I want Acafellas to be the main event. I need those parents happy. They found out we've been serving their children prison food.
Will Schuester: Uh-huh.
Mr. Schuester: Great job, son.



Ken Tanaka: Well?
Will Schuester: 
Is it too soon to call Will Schuester the next Michael Buble? The audience last Thursday at benchwarmers sports bar didn't think so. And Ken Tanaka's smoky baritone is like a cool fog that sweeps over a deep ocean of emotional intensity. A big thumbs-up to Henri St. Pierre who proves you don't need all ten fingers to pluck a lady's heartstrings like a well-tuned sexy harpsichord. Only Howard..." Uh, sorry, Howard. They didn't say anything about you. Buckle up, Ohio. Are you ready for a new musical sensation? You'd better be, because here come the Acafellas.
Ken Tanaka: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Ah! Ah! Ah! ...
Sandy Ryerson: 
Oh, congratulations. On your dead tree valentine, gentlemen. By the way, I want in. Stop right there, William. I've got two words for you. Josh Groban. He's coming to the PTA event.
Howard Bamboo: Who is Josh Groban?
Sandy Ryerson: 
Who is Josh Groban?! Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his critics' choice award.
Ken Tanaka: Why would he come to our show?
Sandy Ryerson: 
Because I invited him. Josh and I have become frequent pen pals since he accidentally friended me on myspace. And being my close personal confidant, He is only interested if I am in the group.
Will Schuester: No, Sandy. We have standards.
Sandy Ryerson: 
Okay, fine. But just so you know, the blogs are all a twitter. They say he's looking for an opening act.



Mercedes Jones: Damn, kurt, this car is fly.
Kurt Hummel: 
My dad got it for my sweet 16. After I swore to stop wearing formfitting sweaters that stop at the knee. What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.
Quinn Fabray: Are we even sure they're rehearsing today?
Rachel Berry: Vocal Adrenaline rehearses every day from 2:30 until midnight.
Mercedes Jones: 
I'm just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us. They're so cool and popular, and we look like we just stepped off the short bus.
Kurt Hummel: 
Those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice. We have more heart. And you don't look touched in the head. That outfit is amazing.
Mercedes Jones: So, would you ever, .. You know, want to hang out?
Kurt Hummel: Come over. It's Liza Minnelli week on AMC!
Rachel Berry: 
Guys! That's Andrea Cohen. She won Outstanding Soloist last year in 'Absolutely Tampastic'.
Girl of Vocal Adrenaline: 
You can't ... leave rehearsals for any reason. That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn's disease.
Rachel Berry: 
Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline? We'd like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreography for our Glee Club.
Andrea Cohen: Don't! He's a monster.
Vocal Adrenaline: 
# Hit the beat, take it to the rest now #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# I love you #
# Whoo, whoo #
# But I gotta stay true #
# Whoo, whoo #
# My morals got me on my knees #
# I'm beggin', please stop playin' games #
# Whoo #
# I don't know what you do #
# But you do it well #
# I'm under your spell #
# Gotcha under my spell #
# You got me beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Why won't you release me #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# I'm beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Why won't you release me #
# Mercy #
# Show me some mercy #
# I said release me #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# You got me beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# You got me beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Give me some mercy #
# I said release me #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #
Dakota Stanley: Get off my stage!



Rachel Berry: Mr. Stanley! We're the McKinley High Glee club.
Dakota Stanley: No interviews.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We'd like you to choreograph for us.
Dakota Stanley: 
Look, my fee is $8,000 per number, Plus a $10,000 bonus if you place in the top three. And with Dakota Stanley at the wheel, you will place at the top three. Move it.
Rachel Berry: How are we gonna get $8,000?



Will Schuester: Kick that way and back. You kick out...
Ken Tanaka: Hold on. Okay, one more.
Will Schuester: Okay. Kick out. Right behind you. It's all right.
Ken Tanaka: Oh! ... Where is everybody?
Will Schuester: 
Sandy went to get Henry from wood shop. And, oh, there's Howard. Hello.
Howard Bamboo: Will, I don't think I can be in the band anymore.
Will Schuester: What?
Howard Bamboo: I'm doing inventory. It was never my dream.
Will Schuester: Howard's out.
Ken Tanaka: 
Oh, that... that's just great. What's he... Hey. Emma. You didn't, uh, see me dancing earlier, did you?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, is that what that was? Look, I have some bad news.
Ken Tanaka: You're breaking up with me. What, here? In front of another dude?
Emma Pillsbury: 
No, look, please stop talking. Um, no, look, I think the Acafellas pressure has proven to be a little bit too much for Henry.
Will Schuester: Really, why?
Emma Pillsbury: 
Well, he just downed six bottles of cough syrup, which is a lot, even for him. Um, he's okay. Sandy's in the emergency room with him now, but Figgins is insisting before he comes back; and can be around kids again, that he goes to rehab. So that's where he's going tomorrow morning.
Ken Tanaka: 
That's just great. So Acafellas is officially doomed now. You know, uh, when I get stressed, I ..., I work out. You can probably tell. So I'm gonna, uh, down some power bars. Knock off a few reps. Come up with some solutions here.
Will Schuester: It was fun while it lasted.
Emma Pillsbury: 
I don't think you should give up so easy, Will. You know, they said Van Halen was dead after David Lee Roth quit, but my worn-out single of "Right now" says that they were wrong.



Finn Hudson: You got a sec, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Yeah, of course. what's up?
Finn Hudson: I just want to tell you that I'm quitting glee, too.
Will Schuester: I... I didn't quit glee.
Finn Hudson: 
Well, you might as well have. It's nutty in there. I try and talk sense into Rachel. But she's gone all chick-batty. I gotta be honest with you. It's hard being the quarterback when I get in the huddle and all the guys are calling me "deep throat." Glee's bringing down my rep, man.
Will Schuester: 
Have the guts to stick with it a little bit longer. You are a gifted performer, Finn. You can't quit now. If you do, you're just gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me! I know.
Finn Hudson: It's just not fun anymore.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, wait. There's something I want to talk to you about.



Ken Tanaka: What do you want, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: 
I hear there's a vacancy in your a capella group. I want to offer my services. I play guitar. And actually, I'm a really good singer. There are a lot of moms at your gigs, right. Well, here's the thing you should know about me: I'm not like everybody else in this crappy cow town. I've got star potential, and more specifically, I'm tired of wasting my time with high school girls.



Noah Puckerman: You're breaking up with me? Why?
Santana Lopez: Your credit score is terrible. What I need as a woman is financial security.
Noah Puckerman: 
See, young girls will shoot you down and make you feel terrible about yourself... but a cougar never disappoints.
Noah Puckerman: Thanks, Mrs. H.
Mrs. H.: Is that a nipple ring?
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I'm kinda rock and roll.
Mrs. H.: I need your help unclogging my bathtub drain.
Noah Puckerman: 
The proof was in the sexual pudding. My above-ground pool cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music and gave these fine ladies the romance they were missing. I also stopped beating people up so much.



Noah Puckerman: When do we start rehearsals?
Ken Tanaka: 
Now you listen to me, you little psychopath. My love life is hanging by a thread and that thread is Acafellas. It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants. So if you screw this up for me, I swear to you I will stick my fist so far down your throat, you will taste my armpit hairs. Do I make myself clear? Good. We rehearse Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00. Don't be late.



Will Schuester: Do that. Okay, come on.
Noah Puckerman: Dude, my bowels have better moves than you.
Will Schuester: 
Guys, stop. You guys got the steps down. You just need to relax, okay? Um, you guys play baseball, right? What does your coach tell you about hitting?
Noah Puckerman: If you charge the pitcher, bring the bat.
Will Schuester: 
Okay, um, but I'm sure he also tells you to relax, right? Cause hitting's all about the hips, right? You gotta loosen them up. Just swing that bat. All right, pretend, Acafellas, Madison Square Garden. Here we are. all those beautiful ladies out there. You swing that big ol' bat. bam! Hit some home runs, all right, guys? All right. Now let's try it from the top, okay? Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, get those hips into it. That's it! That's it! All right! Yeah!
Finn Hudson: That baseball thing sure was good, Mr. Schue.
Noah Puckerman: Totally. That was awesome.



Rachel Berry: We need to have a gayvention. That's a gay intervention.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It's k...k..Kurt. He's Lady Fabulous.
Rachel Berry: 
It's obvious you like him. We just don't want you to get hurt by feelings. He can't reciprocate.
Mercedes Jones: 
Look, just because he wear nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down-low.
Rachel Berry: He wore a corset to second period today.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You can do better, Mercedes.
Mercedes Jones: 
Really? Well, what if I can't? There's not a lot of guys around here knocking down my door for a date. Or yours, for that matter. Nobody notices us. Hello? We're in glee club. And I'm tired of being lonely. Aren't you? But Kurt... Kurt is sweet to me, and he likes who I am, and I like how I feel when I'm with him. And he's in our group, he understands what I'm going through. Now, maybe that's not enough for you guys, but it's enough for me.



Emma Pillsbury: 
You know what, Sue? I got to say, I really misjudged you. Getting the cheerios to help out with the glee club choreographer fund-raiser is one of the nicest things I've ever seen.
Sue Sylvester: 
Well, Erma, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this Glee Club successful.
Man: Come on!
Emma Pillsbury: 
Ooh! So excited. Oh, I love a car wash, too, though, you know. When I was little, if I got all "a"s. My dad would let me wash his car, so I'd get my little toothbrush out, and I'd clean it all weekend long.
Sue Sylvester: 
You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring. I'm shocked you're not married.



Mercedes Jones: Your rims are clean. We've polished them, like, three times already.
Kurt Hummel: 
Did you bring a change of clothes? Because we're going straight to sing-along sound of music.
Mercedes Jones: 
So, listen, Kurt, This is like the third time we've gone out. Can we just make it official?
Kurt Hummel: Make what official?
Mercedes Jones: You know, that we're dating.
Kurt Hummel: 
I'm sorry, Mercedes, But I thought I made it very clear. I'm in love with someone else.
Mercedes Jones: Rachel!
Kurt Hummel: Yes. For several years now.
Mercedes Jones: 
# I bust the windows out your car #
# and, no, it didn't mend my broken heart #
# I'll probably always have these ugly scars #
# but right now I don't care about that part #
# I bust the windows out your car, hey #
# after I saw you looking right at her #
# I didn't wanna, but I took my turn #
# I'm glad I did it 'cause you had to learn #
# I must admit it helped a little bit #
# to think of how you felt when you saw it #
# I didn't know that I had that much strength #
# but I'm glad you see what happens when #
# ha, ha, ha, ha #
# I bust the windows out your car #
# you know I did it 'cause I left my mark #
# wrote my initials with the crowbar #
# and then I drove off into the dark #
# I bust the windows out your car #
# hey, you should feel lucky that that's all I did #
# after five whole years of this bull-- shh! #
# gave you all of me and you played with it #
# I bust the windows out your car. #
Kurt Hummel: You busted my window. How could you do that? You busted my window!
Mercedes Jones: Well, you busted my heart.



Dakota Stanley: 
Okay, please examine your personalized menus. This is what you're going to be eating For the next six months.
Mercedes Jones: Um, mine just says coffee.
Dakota Stanley: Mm-hmm.
Rachel Berry: What's smelt?
Dakota Stanley: 
A pungent low-carb freshwater fish. Okay, let's start with today's business. Artie, you're cut. You're not trying hard enough.
Artie Abrams: At what?
Dakota Stanley: 
At walking. we can't be wheeling you around during every number. It throws off the whole dynamic, and it's depressing.
Mercedes Jones: So, you're kicking him out?
Dakota Stanley: Mm-hmm. Also you, is going to go, Effie. No, no, no. Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: 
You can't kick people out of Glee Club because you don't like the way they look.
Dakota Stanley: 
Uh, why don't you shut your face-gash and stay away from aerosol cans because you could burst into flames at any second? You three ...you're great. you're perfect. Seriously. don't change thing. Uh, you..... ew, nose job.
Finn Hudson: Now just hold on a second.
Dakota Stanley: 
What? What was that, Frankenstein? Why don't you, uh, wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been dragging on the ground?
Finn Hudson: What's wrong with you?
Dakota Stanley: 
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland creature. Um, am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it, hmm? Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like, "you got what it takes." But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't. So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather, and ask yourself, "do I want to be a winner... or not?"
Finn Hudson: Screw this. I quit.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Me t-too.
Mercedes Jones: Let's roll, Artie.
Dakota Stanley: 
No. great, great. You know, separate the wheat from the chaff; that's perfect.
Rachel Berry: 
Wait. Barbra Streisand. When Barbra was a young ingenue, everyone told her in order to be a star. She'd have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused.
Dakota Stanley: Where's this going, yentl?
Rachel Berry: 
Where it's going is that... We don't need you. Let's face it. We're never going to be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We're gonna win because... we're different. And that's what makes us special.
Mercedes Jones: They told J. Lo her booty was too big.
Artie Abrams: Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.
Finn Hudson: Jim Abbot.
Kurt Hummel: I have no idea who that is.
Finn Hudson: He was a one-armed pitcher for the yankees. Pitched a no-hitter.
Dakota Stanley: 
Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it, too. That's great. What's your point?
Rachel Berry: Our point is that... you're fired. And I'm taller than you.
Dakota Stanley: Mm... Barely.



Finn Hudson: Wait, we have to wear mascara?
Ken Tanaka: Sandy says it makes our eyes pop.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Noah Puckerman: There's a lot of moms out there, right?
Will Schuester: 
Guys, don't worry about it. Just get in the zone, all right? This is going to be fun. Believe me. You're going to remember this night for the rest of your lives.
Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: I know, you're nervous.
Finn Hudson: 
No, that isn't what I wanted to tell you. It's just... thanks. For believing in me.
Sandy Ryerson: 
He's here! He's here! Josh Groban is here! Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.
Will Schuester: He actually showed up? I can't believe it!
Sandy Ryerson: 
Gentlemen, forget every experience you have ever had in your drab little lives. This is the most important thing you will ever do. Places!



Sandy Ryerson: # a tick-tock you don't stop #
Acafellas: # stop! #
Sandy Ryerson: # to the, a tick-tock you don't stop #
Acafellas: # stop! #
Sandy Ryerson: # to the, a tick-tock you don't stop #
Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #
Sandy Ryerson: # I know you're not gonna sing that song! #
Acafellas: 
# oh, oh, oh, oh #
# tick-tock, you don't stop #
# oh, oh, oh, oh #
Sandy Ryerson: # I know you're not gonna sing that song! #
Will Schuester: 
# come inside, take off your coat #
# I'll make you feel at home #
# now let's pour the glass of wine #
# 'cause now we're all alone #
# I've been waiting all night #
# so, just let me hold you close to me #
# 'cause I've been dying for you #
# girl, to make love to me #
Acafellas: 
# oh, oh, oh, oh #
# I wanna sex you up #
# oh, oh, oh, oh #
# to the, tick-tock, you don't stop #
Noah Puckerman: 
# let me take off all your clothes #
# disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah #
# let me light a candle so that #
# we can make it better #
# makin' love until we drown, yeah #
Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #
Noah Puckerman: 
# girl, you make me feel #
# real good #
Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #
Noah Puckerman: # we can do it till we both wake up #
Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #
Finn Hudson: # girl, you know I'm hooked on you #
Will Schuester: # and this is what I'll do... #
Sandy Ryerson: # I know you're not gonna sing that song! #
Acafellas: 
# oh, oh, oh, oh #
# I wanna sex you up. #



Sandy Ryerson: 
I would like to just go into the recording studio and lay some of those tracks down. And of course I would love to play some bigger venues. Wembley Stadium, Red Rocks...
Josh Groban: 
Hey, guys, I'm Josh Groban. This is my bodyguard, Flex. We were in town. I was inducting Run-DMC. Into the rock and roll hall of fame last night, So I thought I'd stop by and say hello. So, which one of you is, uh... Sandy?
Sandy Ryerson: Ooh!... We are so honored that you came here today.
Josh Groban: I came here to tell you...
Sandy Ryerson: Yes, Sir?
Josh Groban: 
Stop emailing me. This is a restraining order. Stop sending me nude photos. Stop calling me. I don't know how you got my number! I don't know how you got my number again after I changed it, but I don't want any more. Of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair. And I don't want to read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.
Flex: That stuff got crazy, dude.
Josh Groban: 
Are we clear? Thank you, gentlemen. And by the way, great show. I mean, like... explosive.
Will Schuester: Thanks. Sorry.



Terri Schuester: 
I'm sorry, Will. I... I could have been more supportive. You guys were actually pretty good. And you were good. You were really good.
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Terri Schuester: Yeah.
Mr. Schuester: Don't bother. She's already pregnant. Hey, kids. Have you seen doodle?



Josh Groban: 
Now, you might be thinking, why would a pop star like me come over here and talk to you? Well, let me tell you something. Throngs of screaming teenagers don't do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blowsy alcoholic. Oh. Oh, wow.
Mrs. Schuester: 
You'll have to forgive me, ma'am. I'm a little bit drunk, and I'm afraid I'm not making good choices right now.



Terri Schuester: Maybe she slipped and hit her head again.
Mr. Schuester: 
You guys kicked some serious tail up there tonight. Sorry about the whole Josh Groban thing.
Will Schuester: Nah, it's all right. How are the other guys taking it?
Mr. Schuester: 
That Ryerson guy cried himself to sleep in Figgins' arms and Ken Tanaka is raiding the nacho bar. What about you? You okay?
Will Schuester: 
You know, dad... I am. I mean, this was all a dream come true, but... I'm a teacher. And a really good one. That's enough for me.
Mr. Schuester: 
I know. I saw the way your students look at you. You inspire people. You inspired me.
Will Schuester: What do you mean?
Mr. Schuester: 
I'm going to law school. Night classes for now, Until I get all of my prerequisites, but I registered yesterday. You made me realize it's never too late to grow a pair and go after your dream.
Will Schuester: That's amazing, dad. That's so amazing!



Mercedes Jones: 
Hey, Kurt. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry I did that to your car. I'll pay for it to get fixed.
Kurt Hummel: 
It's okay. My dad took my baby away after he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.
Mercedes Jones: 
And I just wanted to say I hope it works out between you and Rachel You'll have really cute, loud babies.
Kurt Hummel: Mercedes. I lied to you. I don't like Rachel. I'm gay.
Mercedes Jones: Why didn't you just tell me?
Kurt Hummel: Because I've never told anyone before.
Mercedes Jones: 
You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt. You should just tell people, especially the kids in Glee. The whole point of the club is about expressing what's really inside you, remember?
Kurt Hummel: I can't. I'm just not that confident, I guess.



Sue Sylvester: 
Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley; Mr. Schuester is back; and they're busy at work on a new number, More confident than ever.



Will Schuester: And down... clap, and up, clap, clap. Down, clap, and up, clap, clap.



Sue Sylvester: 
This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure. And it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
Quinn Fabray: Mrs Sylvester, I want to thank you.
Sue Sylvester: For what?
Quinn Fabray: 
For teaching me a valuable life lesson. When you really believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down.



Will Schuester: 
Uh, uh, step, ball change and head. Step, ball change and head. Low and up. Low and high! Oh, what do you guys think?
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester.
Will Schuester: Yes. Rachel.
Rachel Berry: It was really good.
Will Schuester: Thank you. Thank you. Okay. From the top.
外部リンク
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 ウィキペディア:クローン病

104. Preggers

放送日:2009年9月23日



# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# Now put your hands up #
# Up in the club, we just broke up #
# I'm doing my own little thing #
# Acting up, drink in my cup #
# I can care less what you think #
# I need no permission, did I mention #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn #
# What it really feels like to miss me #
# Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #


Kurt Hummel: Dad. You're home early.
Burt Hummel: Deadliest Catch is on. What are you wearing?
Kurt Hummel: It's a unitard. Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays. Do sports. They wick sweat from the body.
Tina Cohen-Chang: F-F-Football.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, all the guys in football wear 'em. They're jock-chic.
Brittany S. Pierce: Totally. Kurt's on the football team now. He's the kicker. That's the smallest guy on the field, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah. Ye... Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.
Burt Hummel: Hmm. Really? You know, I played in J.C. before I busted up my knee... poppin' wheelies on my dirt bike.
Kurt Hummel: Cool. I guess we'll have something to talk about then.
Burt Hummel: So one of you two his girlfriend?
Kurt Hummel: But I'm not ready to be exclusive just yet.
Burt Hummel: Hmm. All right, just keep the music down. I can't hear myself think up there. Hey, Kurt. Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.



Will Schuester: You're doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.
Kendra Giardi: No, no, no. Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and bestial... and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm just trying to be supportive.
Kendra Giardi: Well, this isn't about you.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, Kendra. When was I making it about me?
Kendra Giardi: You have to be liked, Will. You're nice and supportive and you avoid conflict. Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy... in five months. She doesn't need nice. She needs Dolomite.
Will Schuester: I can be tough.
Kendra Giardi: Of course you can, sweetie. Okay, why don't you come on down here. I'm gonna show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife's stomach.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Schuester: Oh, no, wait.
Kendra Giardi: Oh, no, no. You'll like it. Phil still does it to me. It feels great.
Terri Schuester: I don't want him touching my stomach. I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby.
Kendra Giardi: Oh!
Terri Schuester: Yeah. Honey, would you make me a B. L. tea?
Will Schuester: Sure. Uh... Um, it's gonna take a few minutes though.
Terri Schuester: That's okay.
Will Schuester: Okay, be right back.
Kendra Giardi: Make me one too. But hold the tomato.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Kendra Giardi: And the lettuce.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Schuester: I can't do this.
Kendra Giardi: Don't worry about it. You're gonna have an epidural. I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty. And then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.
Terri Schuester: Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody, not even Phil?
Kendra Giardi: Oh, my God. Is the baby black?
Terri Schuester: No.
Kendra Giardi: Oh!...
Terri Schuester: The doctor said it's a hysterical pregnancy. I can't tell Will. I can't. He already has one foot out the door. This baby's the only reason he's still here.
Kendra Giardi: What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you lied?
Terri Schuester: Oh, God, I don't know. I gotta tell him the truth... .I've gotta tell him, and I've gotta deal with the consequences.
Kendra Giardi: Are you insane?
Terri Schuester: What?
Kendra Giardi: Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.
Terri Schuester: Oh! Kendra...
Kendra Giardi: Stop being so emotional.
Terri Schuester: Okay.
Kendra Giardi: The solution is clear. We're gonna have to get you a baby.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I hope I'm not intruding.
Emma Pillsbury: No. Not at all. Oh, um, so get this. You know how I'm kind of like a local news junkie, right?
Will Schuester: Isn't that kind of depressing?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. It's kind of like a horror film, you know. It's drug recalls and poison toys. Africanized bees... that was terrible.
Ken Tanaka: That's because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because this way you can experience them... from the safety of your condo.
Emma Pillsbury: ... Anyway... Yeah, um, they just finished this story on this zoo mauling... and, um, you'll never guess who came on next.



Rod Remington: Well, let's see what's going on now... with the local champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester... in a brand-new segment we call "Sue's Corner."
Andrea Carmichael: Take it away, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Thanks, Rod, Andrea. You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who's safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore... after winning an international cheerleading competition... and they'll tell you one thing: caning works. And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those naysayers out there who say, "That's illegal. You can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks." Well, to them I say : yes, we can. And that's how Sue sees it.



Will Schuester: They gave her a segment on the local news?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: Why?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm...
Sue Sylvester: Well. Because being a local celebrity who's been written up twice... on the sports page of USA Today has its perks, William. Hey, pal, you wanna pull that chair out for me? My hand's still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole... this morning. Brought you some holes I couldn't finish. And, uh, F.Y. I... the overnights were through the roof. You don't know what that means, do you? Overnights. Well, that's lingo for overnight ratings... which shows us leading among 18 to 49-year-olds... making WOHN western Ohio's number one local newscast.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow.
Sue Sylvester: "Wow" is the word, Alma. You know, I wasn't always in the spotlight. But I didn't wanna end up stuck at a lousy high school... wrestling with mental illness. Or 40 and single... Coaching the worst football team in the history of our state. Or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed. I didn't wanna have to do that to myself. So I sent out my CV, and I am so happy to tell you... that I am busting out of my box. I'd love to stay and chat, but I got a satellite interview. That's lingo, again, for an interview... via satellite.



Rachel Berry: E... Excuse me. This-This isn't the right key.
Will Schuester: It's actually the right key.
Rachel Berry: This is the alto part.
Will Schuester: Yep. Tina's doing the solo.
Rachel Berry: I'm... I'm sorry. There must be some sort of mix-up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from West Side Story goes to me. Maria is my part. Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I've had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm trying to shake things up a bit, get us out of our boxes.
Rachel Berry: You're trying to punish me.
Will Schuester: I think you're being irrational.
Rachel Berry: I think you're being unfair.
Will Schuester: I think you're being unfair to Tina... who might have been happy about getting her first solo.
Rachel Berry: Tina knows how much I respect her, and I think she would agree with me... that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. I'm a Jet?
Artie Abrams: The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.
Will Schuester: Congratulations, Tina. This is going well.
Kurt Hummel: Finn? I needed to ask you something.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered. I know how important dances are to teen gays.
Kurt Hummel: I'm not gay.
Finn Hudson: Oh!...
Kurt Hummel: I just... I needed a favor.



Ken Tanaka: This is not that difficult, gentlemen. Let's go.
Finn Hudson: Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you. Keep your eye on the ball. Don't try to aim it. Okay, put your helmet on.
Kurt Hummel: It'll mess up my hair.
Finn Hudson: Put your... Put your helmet on, okay?
Kurt Hummel: Oh! God.
Finn Hudson: It's... Good. Red's your color.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you for helping me with this, Finn. You're really cool...
Finn Hudson: Well, I figure the more crossover between Glee and football... the easier my life's gonna be. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going?
Kurt Hummel: To get my music ready.
Finn Hudson: What, are you nuts? You can't use that.
Kurt Hummel: But we did when we were rehearsing.
Finn Hudson: Practicing. No one was around. You know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this tryout? If you do it your way, they're gonna kill you.
Kurt Hummel: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise. I'm doing this. I'm doing it my way.
Noah Puckerman: So are you two an item now, or... He doesn't belong here.
Finn Hudson: You joined Acafellas. What's the difference?
Noah Puckerman: I'm a stud, dude. I can wear a dress to school, and people think it's cool.
Ken Tanaka: Everybody take a knee. Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langanthal... is zero for 12 in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically-minded people know... that sucks! So Mr. Langanthal... will thusly now be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.
Kurt Hummel: Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.


# I'm up on him, he up on me #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Just cried my tears, for three good years #
# Ya can't be mad at me #
# Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# wo oh ooh... #


Kurt Hummel: That was good, right?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: It's good?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Ken Tanaka: Can you do that with the game on the line... and 10 gorillas bearing down on you... who want nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?
Kurt Hummel: Sounds like fun. Can I have my music?
Ken Tanaka: If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu for all I care. Gentlemen, we have found ourselves a kicker!



Mr. McClung: More mail for you, Sue. But I think there might be some hate mail mixed in... from your editorial on littering.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yella. And not everyone's gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance... but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That's why I pay taxes. It keeps garbage men earning a living... so they can afford tacos for their family.
Mr. McClung: Fantastic. But I'm... concerned... about your future at WOHN. You see, my daughter goes to your school... and she says that a lot of the top cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir. You know, it makes me wonder if you're... if you're losing all that talent how you can expect to win nationals. See, your segment's all about being a champion, Sue, a winner. So... we need you to win nationals. Okay. Uh, thanks a bunch. Great work.



Finn Hudson: Quinn. Quinn. Hey, what's with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I'm sorry.
Quinn Fabray: I'm pregnant... I wasn't sure, and I really didn't wanna go by myself. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.
Finn Hudson: Mine?
Quinn Fabray: Yes, you. Who else's would it be?
Finn Hudson: But we... we never...
Quinn Fabray: Last month. Hot tub?



Finn Hudson: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.
Quinn Fabray: Think of the mail.
Finn Hudson: Oh!...
Quinn Fabray: Think of the mail. Think of the...



Finn Hudson: But we were wearing our swimsuits.
Quinn Fabray: Ask Jeeves said a hot tub... is the perfect temperature for sperm. It helps it swim faster.
Finn Hudson: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are... Are you gonna get a...
Quinn Fabray: No. I really thought I had a shot of getting out of here.



Sandy Ryerson: I've been collecting since 1961.
Sue Sylvester: Now, isn't this just lovely and normal?
Sandy Ryerson: They're my everything. Teatime!
Sue Sylvester: Right.
Sandy Ryerson: So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and say hello, buddy. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies... limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.
Sandy Ryerson: Please, have a seat on the casting couch. It is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays. Saturdays, I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.
Sue Sylvester: Sandy. Let's cut the crap.
Sandy Ryerson: ... I'm living in a cocoon of horror. Yesterday I ate nine cans of aerosol whipped cream. No...
Sue Sylvester: You... Sandy, Sandy. We have similar problems. You need to be back in the spotlight. I wanna offer you the school's arts administrator position. You will have control of all the arts programs... music, art, drama. Wait for it. Glee Club.
Sandy Ryerson: That's impossible. Figgins will never allow it.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, don't you worry about Figgins.



Principal Figgins: I'm never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.
Sue Sylvester: Take a look at this.
Principal Figgins: Vascular embolisms are a serious hazard on long distance flights. So make sure to stretch your legs every hour to prevent clotting. For additional protection: Anti-embolism stockings can be purchased from your flight attendants.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school. Better yet, YouTube.



Sue Sylvester: Our first order of business is Glee Club.
Sandy Ryerson: Oh! I couldn't agree with you more. William is running it into the ground.
Sue Sylvester: And there's one linchpin holding that group together.
Sandy Ryerson: Rachel Berry. How do we steal her away?
Sue Sylvester: Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy. I'm gonna fire four words at you. Liza Minnelli. Céline Dion.
Sandy Ryerson: Oh, yeah. I am yours.



Rachel Berry: # What do you say to takin' chances? #
# What do you say to jumping off the edge? #
# Never knowing there's solid ground below or #
# a hand to hold or hell to pay #
# What do you say? #
# What do you say? #
Sandy Ryerson: Wow.
Rachel Berry: What's next?
Sandy Ryerson: Congratulations, Miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead.



Will Schuester: This is a joke.
Principal Figgins: William. Sandy has never been formally charged with anything. And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash. This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in the chair... complaining how I don't care about the arts program?
Will Schuester: This was you. You have always been out to get me.
Sue Sylvester: Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
Sandy Ryerson: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.
Will Schuester: Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?



Rachel Berry: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents, and I took it. How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?
Will Schuester: Because I didn't do it out of spite.
Rachel Berry: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue. You don't like me very much.
Will Schuester: That's not true. I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there. I try the hardest, and I want it the most.
Will Schuester: Everyone knows that, and they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win regionals like that. We need everyone to think that they're a star.



Sue Sylvester: We're giving everyone a chance to think they're a star. We're providing opportunities. We're opening doors. Find your voice. Stomp that yard. All that crap.
Will Schuester: What does she have on you?
Sandy Ryerson: Enough... I tried to play nice with you, William. But clearly, you prefer to be adversaries. So be it.



Rachel Berry: I'm not quitting Glee. I'm just looking for a reason to stay.
Will Schuester: Oh, like me taking the solo away from Tina?
Rachel Berry: Everyone on the team is getting something out of being there. You're doing a great job of getting them out of their shells. Except for me. I'm still getting my lipstick flushed in the toilet. I still don't have a boyfriend. Tina's great, but... why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good?
Will Schuester: Just come to rehearsal.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # Tonight, tonight it all began tonight #
# I saw you and the world went away... #
# Tonight, tonight there's only you tonight #
# What you are what you do what you say... #
# Today, all day I had the feeling #
# A miracle would happen #
# I know now I was right... #
# For here you are and what was just a world is a star... #
# Tonight. #
Will Schuester: That was great, Tina. Good job.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You don't have to say that. I was sh... sharp. I c... can't do this.
Will Schuester: Hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey. I need you to be great at regionals. To do that, you've got to know that you can do this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You have to give this song to Rachel. She's better than me. And you know she'll quit if you don't. I'll just take one for the team.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, what's up? Hey. It's okay. It's okay.



Finn Hudson: Thanks a lot for this, Mr. Schue. I couldn't talk to my mom, you know.
Will Schuester: Yeah. So how far along is she?
Finn Hudson: I don't know. A couple of weeks maybe. It's pretty recent, I guess.
Will Schuester: Well, what do you... what do you need me to do? You want me to... You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood?
Finn Hudson: No. No. It's not even a conversation. She's keeping it. I've seen the guys around town who had kids in high school. They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas or worse. They're caged. Got no future. I can't become one of those dudes. Mr. Schue, I got to go to college. But we don't have any money, and... I need a football scholarship. But the only way I'm gonna get one is if we start winning.
Will Schuester: I'm not a football coach.
Finn Hudson: Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff... and you helped me and Puck with the dancing?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: You loosened us up. That's the football team's problem. I figured it out watching Kurt kick those field goals. Check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of 'em. Except for the encyclopedias, but... It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he won dance competitions on Soul Train. And he took ballet lessons. And he even got the whole Bears team to take them... the year they won the Super Bowl. That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.
Will Schuester: Let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Uh, I don't think Ken will go for that.
Finn Hudson: We'll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you. Then I'm sure some of them will wanna join... It's a win-win for both of us.
Will Schuester: Eat up.



Terri Schuester: How far along is she?
Will Schuester: A few weeks. It breaks my heart. They're both so scared to death, Ter. They're just kids. They can't raise a baby. Here this poor girl is so ashamed... she feels like she can't tell anybody. I mean, can you imagine? Having to hide something like that. All that effort covering that up.
Terri Schuester: What did you say her name was? Quinn?
Will Schuester: Quinn Fabray.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Will Schuester: Oh, and here's the kicker. She's president of the Celibacy Club.



Noah Puckerman: This is garbage. What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?
Finn Hudson: Why don't you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team. Even in practice.
Noah Puckerman: So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?
Will Schuester: Guys. Guys. Athletes are performers just like singers and dancers. And think about it. Jim Brown. Dick Butkus.
Finn Hudson: O.J.
Will Schuester: O.J. Right. All pretty tough guys. All of them had big careers as performers. Now, I don't think you guys are losing because you don't have the talent. You're losing because you don't have the right attitude.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, I get it. We have to think more like Amazonian black women.
Will Schuester: Think about it. If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.
Noah Puckerman: Coach. Please. Step in here.
Ken Tanaka: I'm down with it. I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.
Football Player: That's true.
Kurt Hummel: Sun Tzu says in his Art of War to never let the enemy know you. Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise. Don't tell me that you wouldn't be on your heels... if the other team started busting a move on the field.
Ken Tanaka: Okay, too much talking, not enough stretching. In the choir room in full pads in five. That's five minutes. Let's go.



Will Schuester: A... five, six, seven, eight. Step, ball change, up. That's good, guys. Your hips are still a little tight, okay? It's just like you're playing football. It's all about the lateral movement. Just stay low and...
Kurt Hummel: May I?
Will Schuester: Watch Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: All right, boys. Five, six, seven. Hand, hand. Point to the finger. Hip, head. Oh! Sneak attack. Back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap the butt.
Ken Tanaka: Okay, that's enough for today, gentlemen. We'll... work on it. Just hit the showers.
Football Player: Bye, Coach.
Kurt Hummel: Um, Coach, I don't mean to interject... but I think we should end with a show circle.



Noah Puckerman: What's your problem?
Finn Hudson: Nothing. I just got a lot on my mind.
Noah Puckerman: Seriously, dude, what's going on? I'm your best friend. Talk.
Finn Hudson: It's personal.
Noah Puckerman: I knew it. You're in love with Kurt.
Finn Hudson: Quinn's pregnant. She's keeping the baby.



Noah Puckerman: What's up, MILF?
Quinn Fabray: Leave me alone.
Noah Puckerman: Who's the daddy?... I just think it's kind of weird if it's Finn... since you told me you were a virgin when we did it. And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him.
Quinn Fabray: How can you be so sure?
Noah Puckerman: Finn's my boy. He would've told me.
Quinn Fabray: You make a habit of sleeping with your boy's girlfriends?
Noah Puckerman: Well, call the Vatican. We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception. I'd take care of it, you know. You too. My dad's a deadbeat, but I don't roll that way.
Quinn Fabray: Weren't you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?
Noah Puckerman: Mm... I've got my pool-cleaning business.
Quinn Fabray: We live in Ohio. I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers... and I felt fat that day. But it was a mistake. You're a Lima loser, and you're always gonna be a Lima loser.



Terri Schuester: How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I'd say no more than five or six. I assume you haven't told your parents yet. I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can't raise this baby, Quinn.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry, but who are you?
Terri Schuester: I'm just somebody who wants to help.
Quinn Fabray: I don't need your help. Get the hell out of my car!
Terri Schuester: Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking? Yeah. Here. Three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.
Quinn Fabray: I don't understand. What do you want from me?



Cheerios: W-M-H-S!
Will Schuester: Anyone sitting here?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, no. No, here.
Cheerios: W-M-H-S!
Will Schuester: Well, at least I know it's clean.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.



Finn Hudson: Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays.
Football Player: Seriously, Finn, it was fun in practice and all... but we can't do that out here in front of everybody. It'll make us even more of a joke.
Finn Hudson: Divert right, 87 on one. Break!
Football Players: Break!
Man: Yo, Q. B! Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! Give me some ketchup!
Finn Hudson: Down, set, hike! Punch and Judy on one. Break!
Ken Tanaka: Come on! Come on!
Kurt Hummel: Dad! Dad! I told you! I told you!
Finn Hudson: Jordan versus Bird on one!
Football Player: Run!
Ken Tanaka: Run!
Emma Pillsbury: Aw!
Finn Hudson: Cupid tips on one. Break! Time-out! Dude, we got to do it.
Noah Puckerman: We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.
Finn Hudson: We're already jokes. I don't wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.
Man: Yo, left tackle, your mama's so fat... her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard, like Baywatch!
Noah Puckerman: Hey, ankle grabber, I had sex with your mother. No, seriously. I cleaned your pool. And then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets. Let's do it, captain.
Finn Hudson: Come on. Huddle up. Huddle up. Okay, "Ring On It" on three. Yeah. All right? Come on. On three. One, two, three, break! Break! Hut one, two! Three! Let's hit it!


# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# Now put your hands up #
# Up in the club, we just broke up #
# I'm doing my own little thing #
# You decided to dip and now you wanna trip #
# Cause another brother noticed me #
# I'm up on him, he up on me #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Just cried my tears, for three good years #
# Ya can't be mad at me #
# Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# wo oh ooh... #


Finn Hudson: Hike!
Ken Tanaka: You're up, kid. You make this, and we win. You make this, and you die a legend.
Kurt Hummel: Can I pee first?
Burt Hummel: He's so little.
Finn Hudson: Center, hike!
Burt Hummel: Yes! Yes! Yes! That is my boy!



Kurt Hummel: Nighttime skin care is a big part of my post game ritual.
Burt Hummel: I don't know what to say about that, but, uh... I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt. I wish your mom would've been there... I mean, alive.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks. Dad? I... have something that I wanna say. I'm glad that you're proud of me. But I don't wanna lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football... has really showed me that I can be anything. And what I am... is... I'm gay.
Burt Hummel: I know.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Burt Hummel: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but... if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Okay? Thanks for telling me, Kurt. You're sure, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, Dad. I'm sure.
Burt Hummel: Just checking.



Finn Hudson: Hey. Here. It's my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it. I took it everywhere with me, so it's a little dirty. But I want our baby to have it. I'm gonna do everything I can to be a good father.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you, Finn.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, guys. How you doing? Lately I've been getting really sick in the morning.
Quinn Fabray: Must be a virus.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They're not gonna be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid... much longer.
Finn Hudson: Hey, don't talk to my girlfriend like that.
Noah Puckerman: You know what? You're right. I was out of line. See you guys around.



Sue Sylvester: You know, there's a question I get asked a lot. Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest... people ask me, "Sue, what's your secret?" Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys, let's give a big Glee welcome to our three new members... fresh off their big win on Friday night... Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come.



Sue Sylvester: Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up.



Will Schuester: Let's start today with "Tonight" from West Side Story. Tina. Show us what you got.



Sue Sylvester: You know, I'm tired of hearing people complain... "I'm riddled with this disease" or "I was in that tsunami." To them I say, shake it up a bit. Get out of your box. Even if that box happens to be where you're living.



Sandy Ryerson: I thought you had Glee practice, my little multitasking star.
Rachel Berry: I quit. I'm yours exclusively.



Sue Sylvester: I'll often yell at homeless people... "Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?"



Rachel Berry: Maybe this time in B-flat.



Sue Sylvester: You know something, Ohio? It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans... and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will. And that's how Sue sees it.



# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# Now put your hands up #
# Up in the club, we just broke up #
# I'm doing my own little thing #
# Acting up, drink in my cup #
# I can care less what you think #
# I need no permission, did I mention #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn #
# What it really feels like to miss me #
# Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #


Kurt Hummel: Dad. You're home early.
Burt Hummel: Deadliest Catch is on. What are you wearing?
Kurt Hummel: It's a unitard. Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays. Do sports. They wick sweat from the body.
Tina Cohen-Chang: F-F-Football.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, all the guys in football wear 'em. They're jock-chic.
Brittany S. Pierce: Totally. Kurt's on the football team now. He's the kicker. That's the smallest guy on the field, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah. Ye... Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.
Burt Hummel: Hmm. Really? You know, I played in J.C. before I busted up my knee... poppin' wheelies on my dirt bike.
Kurt Hummel: Cool. I guess we'll have something to talk about then.
Burt Hummel: So one of you two his girlfriend?
Kurt Hummel: But I'm not ready to be exclusive just yet.
Burt Hummel: Hmm. All right, just keep the music down. I can't hear myself think up there. Hey, Kurt. Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.



Will Schuester: You're doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.
Kendra Giardi: No, no, no. Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and bestial... and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm just trying to be supportive.
Kendra Giardi: Well, this isn't about you.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, Kendra. When was I making it about me?
Kendra Giardi: You have to be liked, Will. You're nice and supportive and you avoid conflict. Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy... in five months. She doesn't need nice. She needs Dolomite.
Will Schuester: I can be tough.
Kendra Giardi: Of course you can, sweetie. Okay, why don't you come on down here. I'm gonna show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife's stomach.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Schuester: Oh, no, wait.
Kendra Giardi: Oh, no, no. You'll like it. Phil still does it to me. It feels great.
Terri Schuester: I don't want him touching my stomach. I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby.
Kendra Giardi: Oh!
Terri Schuester: Yeah. Honey, would you make me a B. L. tea?
Will Schuester: Sure. Uh... Um, it's gonna take a few minutes though.
Terri Schuester: That's okay.
Will Schuester: Okay, be right back.
Kendra Giardi: Make me one too. But hold the tomato.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Kendra Giardi: And the lettuce.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Schuester: I can't do this.
Kendra Giardi: Don't worry about it. You're gonna have an epidural. I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty. And then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.
Terri Schuester: Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody, not even Phil?
Kendra Giardi: Oh, my God. Is the baby black?
Terri Schuester: No.
Kendra Giardi: Oh!...
Terri Schuester: The doctor said it's a hysterical pregnancy. I can't tell Will. I can't. He already has one foot out the door. This baby's the only reason he's still here.
Kendra Giardi: What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you lied?
Terri Schuester: Oh, God, I don't know. I gotta tell him the truth... .I've gotta tell him, and I've gotta deal with the consequences.
Kendra Giardi: Are you insane?
Terri Schuester: What?
Kendra Giardi: Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.
Terri Schuester: Oh! Kendra...
Kendra Giardi: Stop being so emotional.
Terri Schuester: Okay.
Kendra Giardi: The solution is clear. We're gonna have to get you a baby.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I hope I'm not intruding.
Emma Pillsbury: No. Not at all. Oh, um, so get this. You know how I'm kind of like a local news junkie, right?
Will Schuester: Isn't that kind of depressing?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. It's kind of like a horror film, you know. It's drug recalls and poison toys. Africanized bees... that was terrible.
Ken Tanaka: That's because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because this way you can experience them... from the safety of your condo.
Emma Pillsbury: ... Anyway... Yeah, um, they just finished this story on this zoo mauling... and, um, you'll never guess who came on next.



Rod Remington: Well, let's see what's going on now... with the local champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester... in a brand-new segment we call "Sue's Corner."
Andrea Carmichael: Take it away, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Thanks, Rod, Andrea. You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who's safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore... after winning an international cheerleading competition... and they'll tell you one thing: caning works. And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those naysayers out there who say, "That's illegal. You can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks." Well, to them I say : yes, we can. And that's how Sue sees it.



Will Schuester: They gave her a segment on the local news?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: Why?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm...
Sue Sylvester: Well. Because being a local celebrity who's been written up twice... on the sports page of USA Today has its perks, William. Hey, pal, you wanna pull that chair out for me? My hand's still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole... this morning. Brought you some holes I couldn't finish. And, uh, F.Y. I... the overnights were through the roof. You don't know what that means, do you? Overnights. Well, that's lingo for overnight ratings... which shows us leading among 18 to 49-year-olds... making WOHN western Ohio's number one local newscast.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow.
Sue Sylvester: "Wow" is the word, Alma. You know, I wasn't always in the spotlight. But I didn't wanna end up stuck at a lousy high school... wrestling with mental illness. Or 40 and single... Coaching the worst football team in the history of our state. Or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed. I didn't wanna have to do that to myself. So I sent out my CV, and I am so happy to tell you... that I am busting out of my box. I'd love to stay and chat, but I got a satellite interview. That's lingo, again, for an interview... via satellite.



Rachel Berry: E... Excuse me. This-This isn't the right key.
Will Schuester: It's actually the right key.
Rachel Berry: This is the alto part.
Will Schuester: Yep. Tina's doing the solo.
Rachel Berry: I'm... I'm sorry. There must be some sort of mix-up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from West Side Story goes to me. Maria is my part. Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I've had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm trying to shake things up a bit, get us out of our boxes.
Rachel Berry: You're trying to punish me.
Will Schuester: I think you're being irrational.
Rachel Berry: I think you're being unfair.
Will Schuester: I think you're being unfair to Tina... who might have been happy about getting her first solo.
Rachel Berry: Tina knows how much I respect her, and I think she would agree with me... that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. I'm a Jet?
Artie Abrams: The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.
Will Schuester: Congratulations, Tina. This is going well.
Kurt Hummel: Finn? I needed to ask you something.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered. I know how important dances are to teen gays.
Kurt Hummel: I'm not gay.
Finn Hudson: Oh!...
Kurt Hummel: I just... I needed a favor.



Ken Tanaka: This is not that difficult, gentlemen. Let's go.
Finn Hudson: Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you. Keep your eye on the ball. Don't try to aim it. Okay, put your helmet on.
Kurt Hummel: It'll mess up my hair.
Finn Hudson: Put your... Put your helmet on, okay?
Kurt Hummel: Oh! God.
Finn Hudson: It's... Good. Red's your color.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you for helping me with this, Finn. You're really cool...
Finn Hudson: Well, I figure the more crossover between Glee and football... the easier my life's gonna be. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going?
Kurt Hummel: To get my music ready.
Finn Hudson: What, are you nuts? You can't use that.
Kurt Hummel: But we did when we were rehearsing.
Finn Hudson: Practicing. No one was around. You know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this tryout? If you do it your way, they're gonna kill you.
Kurt Hummel: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise. I'm doing this. I'm doing it my way.
Noah Puckerman: So are you two an item now, or... He doesn't belong here.
Finn Hudson: You joined Acafellas. What's the difference?
Noah Puckerman: I'm a stud, dude. I can wear a dress to school, and people think it's cool.
Ken Tanaka: Everybody take a knee. Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langanthal... is zero for 12 in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically-minded people know... that sucks! So Mr. Langanthal... will thusly now be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.
Kurt Hummel: Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.


# I'm up on him, he up on me #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Just cried my tears, for three good years #
# Ya can't be mad at me #
# Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# wo oh ooh... #


Kurt Hummel: That was good, right?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: It's good?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Ken Tanaka: Can you do that with the game on the line... and 10 gorillas bearing down on you... who want nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?
Kurt Hummel: Sounds like fun. Can I have my music?
Ken Tanaka: If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu for all I care. Gentlemen, we have found ourselves a kicker!



Mr. McClung: More mail for you, Sue. But I think there might be some hate mail mixed in... from your editorial on littering.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yella. And not everyone's gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance... but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That's why I pay taxes. It keeps garbage men earning a living... so they can afford tacos for their family.
Mr. McClung: Fantastic. But I'm... concerned... about your future at WOHN. You see, my daughter goes to your school... and she says that a lot of the top cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir. You know, it makes me wonder if you're... if you're losing all that talent how you can expect to win nationals. See, your segment's all about being a champion, Sue, a winner. So... we need you to win nationals. Okay. Uh, thanks a bunch. Great work.



Finn Hudson: Quinn. Quinn. Hey, what's with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I'm sorry.
Quinn Fabray: I'm pregnant... I wasn't sure, and I really didn't wanna go by myself. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.
Finn Hudson: Mine?
Quinn Fabray: Yes, you. Who else's would it be?
Finn Hudson: But we... we never...
Quinn Fabray: Last month. Hot tub?



Finn Hudson: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.
Quinn Fabray: Think of the mail.
Finn Hudson: Oh!...
Quinn Fabray: Think of the mail. Think of the...



Finn Hudson: But we were wearing our swimsuits.
Quinn Fabray: Ask Jeeves said a hot tub... is the perfect temperature for sperm. It helps it swim faster.
Finn Hudson: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are... Are you gonna get a...
Quinn Fabray: No. I really thought I had a shot of getting out of here.



Sandy Ryerson: I've been collecting since 1961.
Sue Sylvester: Now, isn't this just lovely and normal?
Sandy Ryerson: They're my everything. Teatime!
Sue Sylvester: Right.
Sandy Ryerson: So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and say hello, buddy. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies... limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.
Sandy Ryerson: Please, have a seat on the casting couch. It is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays. Saturdays, I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.
Sue Sylvester: Sandy. Let's cut the crap.
Sandy Ryerson: ... I'm living in a cocoon of horror. Yesterday I ate nine cans of aerosol whipped cream. No...
Sue Sylvester: You... Sandy, Sandy. We have similar problems. You need to be back in the spotlight. I wanna offer you the school's arts administrator position. You will have control of all the arts programs... music, art, drama. Wait for it. Glee Club.
Sandy Ryerson: That's impossible. Figgins will never allow it.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, don't you worry about Figgins.



Principal Figgins: I'm never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.
Sue Sylvester: Take a look at this.
Principal Figgins: Vascular embolisms are a serious hazard on long distance flights. So make sure to stretch your legs every hour to prevent clotting. For additional protection: Anti-embolism stockings can be purchased from your flight attendants.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school. Better yet, YouTube.



Sue Sylvester: Our first order of business is Glee Club.
Sandy Ryerson: Oh! I couldn't agree with you more. William is running it into the ground.
Sue Sylvester: And there's one linchpin holding that group together.
Sandy Ryerson: Rachel Berry. How do we steal her away?
Sue Sylvester: Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy. I'm gonna fire four words at you. Liza Minnelli. Céline Dion.
Sandy Ryerson: Oh, yeah. I am yours.



Rachel Berry: # What do you say to takin' chances? #
# What do you say to jumping off the edge? #
# Never knowing there's solid ground below or #
# a hand to hold or hell to pay #
# What do you say? #
# What do you say? #
Sandy Ryerson: Wow.
Rachel Berry: What's next?
Sandy Ryerson: Congratulations, Miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead.



Will Schuester: This is a joke.
Principal Figgins: William. Sandy has never been formally charged with anything. And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash. This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in the chair... complaining how I don't care about the arts program?
Will Schuester: This was you. You have always been out to get me.
Sue Sylvester: Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
Sandy Ryerson: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.
Will Schuester: Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?



Rachel Berry: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents, and I took it. How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?
Will Schuester: Because I didn't do it out of spite.
Rachel Berry: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue. You don't like me very much.
Will Schuester: That's not true. I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there. I try the hardest, and I want it the most.
Will Schuester: Everyone knows that, and they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win regionals like that. We need everyone to think that they're a star.



Sue Sylvester: We're giving everyone a chance to think they're a star. We're providing opportunities. We're opening doors. Find your voice. Stomp that yard. All that crap.
Will Schuester: What does she have on you?
Sandy Ryerson: Enough... I tried to play nice with you, William. But clearly, you prefer to be adversaries. So be it.



Rachel Berry: I'm not quitting Glee. I'm just looking for a reason to stay.
Will Schuester: Oh, like me taking the solo away from Tina?
Rachel Berry: Everyone on the team is getting something out of being there. You're doing a great job of getting them out of their shells. Except for me. I'm still getting my lipstick flushed in the toilet. I still don't have a boyfriend. Tina's great, but... why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good?
Will Schuester: Just come to rehearsal.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # Tonight, tonight it all began tonight #
# I saw you and the world went away... #
# Tonight, tonight there's only you tonight #
# What you are what you do what you say... #
# Today, all day I had the feeling #
# A miracle would happen #
# I know now I was right... #
# For here you are and what was just a world is a star... #
# Tonight. #
Will Schuester: That was great, Tina. Good job.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You don't have to say that. I was sh... sharp. I c... can't do this.
Will Schuester: Hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey. I need you to be great at regionals. To do that, you've got to know that you can do this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You have to give this song to Rachel. She's better than me. And you know she'll quit if you don't. I'll just take one for the team.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, what's up? Hey. It's okay. It's okay.



Finn Hudson: Thanks a lot for this, Mr. Schue. I couldn't talk to my mom, you know.
Will Schuester: Yeah. So how far along is she?
Finn Hudson: I don't know. A couple of weeks maybe. It's pretty recent, I guess.
Will Schuester: Well, what do you... what do you need me to do? You want me to... You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood?
Finn Hudson: No. No. It's not even a conversation. She's keeping it. I've seen the guys around town who had kids in high school. They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas or worse. They're caged. Got no future. I can't become one of those dudes. Mr. Schue, I got to go to college. But we don't have any money, and... I need a football scholarship. But the only way I'm gonna get one is if we start winning.
Will Schuester: I'm not a football coach.
Finn Hudson: Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff... and you helped me and Puck with the dancing?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: You loosened us up. That's the football team's problem. I figured it out watching Kurt kick those field goals. Check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of 'em. Except for the encyclopedias, but... It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he won dance competitions on Soul Train. And he took ballet lessons. And he even got the whole Bears team to take them... the year they won the Super Bowl. That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.
Will Schuester: Let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Uh, I don't think Ken will go for that.
Finn Hudson: We'll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you. Then I'm sure some of them will wanna join... It's a win-win for both of us.
Will Schuester: Eat up.



Terri Schuester: How far along is she?
Will Schuester: A few weeks. It breaks my heart. They're both so scared to death, Ter. They're just kids. They can't raise a baby. Here this poor girl is so ashamed... she feels like she can't tell anybody. I mean, can you imagine? Having to hide something like that. All that effort covering that up.
Terri Schuester: What did you say her name was? Quinn?
Will Schuester: Quinn Fabray.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Will Schuester: Oh, and here's the kicker. She's president of the Celibacy Club.



Noah Puckerman: This is garbage. What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?
Finn Hudson: Why don't you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team. Even in practice.
Noah Puckerman: So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?
Will Schuester: Guys. Guys. Athletes are performers just like singers and dancers. And think about it. Jim Brown. Dick Butkus.
Finn Hudson: O.J.
Will Schuester: O.J. Right. All pretty tough guys. All of them had big careers as performers. Now, I don't think you guys are losing because you don't have the talent. You're losing because you don't have the right attitude.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, I get it. We have to think more like Amazonian black women.
Will Schuester: Think about it. If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.
Noah Puckerman: Coach. Please. Step in here.
Ken Tanaka: I'm down with it. I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.
Football Player: That's true.
Kurt Hummel: Sun Tzu says in his Art of War to never let the enemy know you. Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise. Don't tell me that you wouldn't be on your heels... if the other team started busting a move on the field.
Ken Tanaka: Okay, too much talking, not enough stretching. In the choir room in full pads in five. That's five minutes. Let's go.



Will Schuester: A... five, six, seven, eight. Step, ball change, up. That's good, guys. Your hips are still a little tight, okay? It's just like you're playing football. It's all about the lateral movement. Just stay low and...
Kurt Hummel: May I?
Will Schuester: Watch Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: All right, boys. Five, six, seven. Hand, hand. Point to the finger. Hip, head. Oh! Sneak attack. Back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap the butt.
Ken Tanaka: Okay, that's enough for today, gentlemen. We'll... work on it. Just hit the showers.
Football Player: Bye, Coach.
Kurt Hummel: Um, Coach, I don't mean to interject... but I think we should end with a show circle.



Noah Puckerman: What's your problem?
Finn Hudson: Nothing. I just got a lot on my mind.
Noah Puckerman: Seriously, dude, what's going on? I'm your best friend. Talk.
Finn Hudson: It's personal.
Noah Puckerman: I knew it. You're in love with Kurt.
Finn Hudson: Quinn's pregnant. She's keeping the baby.



Noah Puckerman: What's up, MILF?
Quinn Fabray: Leave me alone.
Noah Puckerman: Who's the daddy?... I just think it's kind of weird if it's Finn... since you told me you were a virgin when we did it. And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him.
Quinn Fabray: How can you be so sure?
Noah Puckerman: Finn's my boy. He would've told me.
Quinn Fabray: You make a habit of sleeping with your boy's girlfriends?
Noah Puckerman: Well, call the Vatican. We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception. I'd take care of it, you know. You too. My dad's a deadbeat, but I don't roll that way.
Quinn Fabray: Weren't you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?
Noah Puckerman: Mm... I've got my pool-cleaning business.
Quinn Fabray: We live in Ohio. I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers... and I felt fat that day. But it was a mistake. You're a Lima loser, and you're always gonna be a Lima loser.



Terri Schuester: How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I'd say no more than five or six. I assume you haven't told your parents yet. I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can't raise this baby, Quinn.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry, but who are you?
Terri Schuester: I'm just somebody who wants to help.
Quinn Fabray: I don't need your help. Get the hell out of my car!
Terri Schuester: Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking? Yeah. Here. Three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.
Quinn Fabray: I don't understand. What do you want from me?



Cheerios: W-M-H-S!
Will Schuester: Anyone sitting here?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, no. No, here.
Cheerios: W-M-H-S!
Will Schuester: Well, at least I know it's clean.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.



Finn Hudson: Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays.
Football Player: Seriously, Finn, it was fun in practice and all... but we can't do that out here in front of everybody. It'll make us even more of a joke.
Finn Hudson: Divert right, 87 on one. Break!
Football Players: Break!
Man: Yo, Q. B! Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! Give me some ketchup!
Finn Hudson: Down, set, hike! Punch and Judy on one. Break!
Ken Tanaka: Come on! Come on!
Kurt Hummel: Dad! Dad! I told you! I told you!
Finn Hudson: Jordan versus Bird on one!
Football Player: Run!
Ken Tanaka: Run!
Emma Pillsbury: Aw!
Finn Hudson: Cupid tips on one. Break! Time-out! Dude, we got to do it.
Noah Puckerman: We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.
Finn Hudson: We're already jokes. I don't wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.
Man: Yo, left tackle, your mama's so fat... her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard, like Baywatch!
Noah Puckerman: Hey, ankle grabber, I had sex with your mother. No, seriously. I cleaned your pool. And then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets. Let's do it, captain.
Finn Hudson: Come on. Huddle up. Huddle up. Okay, "Ring On It" on three. Yeah. All right? Come on. On three. One, two, three, break! Break! Hut one, two! Three! Let's hit it!


# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies, all the single ladies #
# All the single ladies #
# Now put your hands up #
# Up in the club, we just broke up #
# I'm doing my own little thing #
# You decided to dip and now you wanna trip #
# Cause another brother noticed me #
# I'm up on him, he up on me #
# Don't pay him any attention #
# Just cried my tears, for three good years #
# Ya can't be mad at me #
# Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it #
# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it #
# wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh #
# wo oh ooh... #


Finn Hudson: Hike!
Ken Tanaka: You're up, kid. You make this, and we win. You make this, and you die a legend.
Kurt Hummel: Can I pee first?
Burt Hummel: He's so little.
Finn Hudson: Center, hike!
Burt Hummel: Yes! Yes! Yes! That is my boy!



Kurt Hummel: Nighttime skin care is a big part of my post game ritual.
Burt Hummel: I don't know what to say about that, but, uh... I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt. I wish your mom would've been there... I mean, alive.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks. Dad? I... have something that I wanna say. I'm glad that you're proud of me. But I don't wanna lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football... has really showed me that I can be anything. And what I am... is... I'm gay.
Burt Hummel: I know.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Burt Hummel: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but... if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Okay? Thanks for telling me, Kurt. You're sure, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, Dad. I'm sure.
Burt Hummel: Just checking.



Finn Hudson: Hey. Here. It's my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it. I took it everywhere with me, so it's a little dirty. But I want our baby to have it. I'm gonna do everything I can to be a good father.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you, Finn.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, guys. How you doing? Lately I've been getting really sick in the morning.
Quinn Fabray: Must be a virus.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They're not gonna be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid... much longer.
Finn Hudson: Hey, don't talk to my girlfriend like that.
Noah Puckerman: You know what? You're right. I was out of line. See you guys around.



Sue Sylvester: You know, there's a question I get asked a lot. Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest... people ask me, "Sue, what's your secret?" Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys, let's give a big Glee welcome to our three new members... fresh off their big win on Friday night... Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come.



Sue Sylvester: Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up.



Will Schuester: Let's start today with "Tonight" from West Side Story. Tina. Show us what you got.



Sue Sylvester: You know, I'm tired of hearing people complain... "I'm riddled with this disease" or "I was in that tsunami." To them I say, shake it up a bit. Get out of your box. Even if that box happens to be where you're living.



Sandy Ryerson: I thought you had Glee practice, my little multitasking star.
Rachel Berry: I quit. I'm yours exclusively.



Sue Sylvester: I'll often yell at homeless people... "Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?"



Rachel Berry: Maybe this time in B-flat.



Sue Sylvester: You know something, Ohio? It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans... and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will. And that's how Sue sees it.
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105. The Rhodes Not Taken

放送日:2009年9月30日


Finn Hudson: # A singer in a smoky room #
Quinn Fabray: # The smell of wine and cheap perfume #
Finn & Quinn: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
Will Schuester: Quinn, you OK?
Finn Hudson: I think she just had a bad breakfast burrito.
Kurt Hummel: Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?
Santana Lopez: Your sexuality?
Kurt Hummel: Rachel. We can't do it without her.
Will Schuester: That's not true. We may have to layer Santana Mercedes over Quinn's solo, but... we'll be fine.
Artie Abrams: Maybe for the invitationals, but not for the sectionals and certainly not the regionals.
Noah Puckerman: The wheelchair kid's right. That Rachel chick wants me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.
Will Schuester: Rachel left, guys. She's gone. If we want to make this thing work, we can't look back. Alright, take five minutes.
Finn Hudson: Um. Mr. Schue? I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but with all the dancing around that Quinn's doing, I'm kind of worried about the baby.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Um... how about I give Tina a few of her verses, okay?
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Will Schuester: You think you might want to tell your mom about what's going on?
Finn Hudson: I think I'd rather handle it myself right now. My mom's got enough to worry about.



Will Schuester: How come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray has been upchucking every 15 minutes.
Terri Schuester: Really? That's a really good sign. That means the baby's not a Mongoloid.
Will Schuester: Well, is it bad that you haven't been sick then?
Terri Schuester: Oh, no, honey, no, no. You should ask Howard Bamboo about my Linda Blair impersonations every half hour at work.
Will Schuester: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this whole Rachel thing.
Waiter: Hey. Would you like anything else?
Terri Schuester: Another piece of grasshopper pie.
Waiter: What, are you going for the record?
Terri Schuester: I'm with child.
Will Schuester: Hey, did you go to McKinley High? I think I had you in my Spanish class.
Waiter: Yeah, like, five years ago. I go to Carmel now.
Will Schuester: How is that possible? You must be 22.
Waiter: ... Twenty-four. I'm a sixth-year senior. They keep failing me so I can stay in Vocal Adrenaline.
Will Schuester: They fail you on purpose?
Waiter: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Is that legal?
Waiter: I'm the only one who can do the triple flip.
Terri Schuester: Yeah. Hey, how about that other piece of pie?
Waiter: How about it.
Terri Schuester: Honey, are you all right?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Fine.



Finn Hudson: So... have I done something wrong... or... ?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. No, no. Absolutely not. No, um, actually, I've just, um, taken a special interest in you. Look, I know sometimes that life can come at you pretty fast, and, uh, you reach a point where you might just need a little, um, special guidance.
Finn Hudson: Has someone told you something about my personal life?
Emma Pillsbury: No. Mm-mm.



Will Schuester: Can you keep a secret?



Emma Pillsbury: But, you know, there are very few students that ever get athletic scholarships. Okay? But there are a lot of schools that give full rides to students who excel in music. Students like yourself. And I don't know, maybe if you were able to go to college, you wouldn't, say, end up stuck in this town in a dead-end job living hand- to-mouth with a wife and a kid you never intended to have, you know? For example. That's just something off the top of my head.
Finn Hudson: But we lost Rachel. Do you think we can do it without her?
Emma Pillsbury: Sure.



Will Schuester: Do you think we can win regionals without Rachel?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, remember the Jamaican bobsled team? Big long shots.



Emma Pillsbury: Definitely. But if you're concerned about your future and, um, those who may be a part of your future soon, um, maybe you could just give Rachel a talk. You know, see if you can get her to come back.



Jacob Ben Israel: How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical?
Rachel Berry: It's an honor. Frankly, one I feel I've earned. If there's anything I've learned in my 16 years on the stage, it's that stars are rare, and when they're found, you have to let them shine.
Jacob Ben Israel: ... Mm. Show me your bra.
Rachel Berry: You mean the one I'm wearing?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good review, show me your over the shoulder boulder holder.
Rachel Berry: No way. You can't do that. My performance will stand on its own. Besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway.
Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online. You'll be finished on the high school stage. Now, get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.
Sandy Ryerson: Sorry I'm late. My Vespa had a flat.Give me a minute and I will be ready for my interview.
Jacob Ben Israel: We're actually not gonna need any quotes from you for the article, Mr Ryerson. Do the right thing. All the great actresses take their clothes off.
Sandy Ryerson: Well, I have no problem with nudity. Let me tell you about my planned production of Equus. Have you ever hung out at a stable?
Finn Hudson: Hey, what are you doing?
Rachel Berry: Nothing. Uh, just... getting the star treatment I didn't get in Glee.
Finn Hudson: Totally.
Rachel Berry: It's times like this where I know I've chosen the right path. I'm never going back to Glee. It's clear my talent is too big for an ensemble.
Finn Hudson: Not gonna get an argument from me.
Rachel Berry: I'm not?
Finn Hudson: No. You're, like, the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chain saws. I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to run lines with, I'm available.
Rachel Berry: Th... There is a lot of dialogue.
Finn Hudson: I figured... we could go somewhere quiet, maybe with low lighting and... Let me know.



Emma Pillsbury: I could get fired for this.
Will Schuester: She was a student 15 years ago. No one is gonna care.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: I... I knew it. She never graduated. She... she quit with, like, three credits to go.
Emma Pillsbury: Will. Yeah, I, um, I saw her picture in the folder. Pretty.
Will Schuester: Pretty? Mm. April Rhodes was a goddess. The most talented performer in McKinley Glee Club history. When she sang, it was mesmerizing. She was my first crush. I was a freshman...
Emma Pillsbury: Wait...
Will Schuester: ... she was a senior.
Emma Pillsbury: Wait, hold on, 'cause I thought you said your wife was your first crush.
Will Schuester: Well, yeah, that's because April didn't even look at me. Aw, crap, there's no forwarding address.
Emma Pillsbury: S... So then you've... you've had feelings for someone other than your wife.
Will Schuester: Emma, I'd love to play This Is Your Life, but... Lord Google demands my attention.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, just wait... wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Um, reaching back into your past is a dangerous business, okay? People can change. They can, um, disappoint you...
Will Schuester: I think I can handle it.
Emma Pillsbury: I thought I could, too. Just hear me out, hear me out. A few years ago, I started an online flirtation with a high school flame Andy. Things got weird, and I called it off. And two months later... ... Versace was dead. Dead.
Will Schuester: Okay... April Rhodes... Ohio. Oh! She has a MySpace page.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God.
Will Schuester: Oh, and here's a link to her own personal web site. She's online. "Hi, April."Not sure if you remember me, but my name is Will Schuester."
Emma Pillsbury: 35 Bontempo Road, between 2: 00 and 3: 00.
Will Schuester: Oh! Oh!
Emma Pillsbury: Bring buffalo wings.



Will Schuester: April.
April Rhodes: Hello. Are you Will?
Will Schuester: Y... You remember me?
April Rhodes: Mm. No, but I don't remember breakfast. Come on in. So, did I sleep with you?
Will Schuester: Uh, I was a freshman when you were a senior.
April Rhodes: So, did I sleep with you?
Will Schuester: No.
April Rhodes: Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a fresh box of wine.
Will Schuester: This is a-a great place you have. Uh, looks like you're doing well for yourself.
April Rhodes: I get about five or six appointments on a good day from my World Wide Web page, so I do okay for myself. Why don't you have a seat, take off that jacket, and I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable.
Real Estate Agent: So, this is a beautiful five-bedroom... with wood-burning fireplace and... You. This is the third time this week.
Will Schuester: Who are you?
Real Estate Agent: I'm Sandra with Oakcrest Realty. And she is a squatter. This is a bank- owned property. The owners foreclosed six months ago.
April Rhodes: Let me just get my vino, and I'll be out of your hair. Hold that.
Will Schuester: Okay. Just... Nice place.



Will Schuester: Can I ask you a question?
April Rhodes: Yeah.
Will Schuester: What happened to you, April? In high school, you were really going places. You had a voice like a dream; everyone loved you.
April Rhodes: Oh. Oh, I hitched my star to the wrong wagon. Me and my high school sweetheart Vinny were convinced we were going to be stars, so we dropped out of school and hitchhiked our way to the Broadway. Then we ended up in Cleveland slinging hash at Ralph's Bait Shop and Waffle House. Then Ralph had an affair with Vinny. I had a set of mixed-race twins. And those were the good times....
Will Schuester: April... I think your struggle is really moving. And I want to help you get back on your feet. I happen to know that you're only three credits shy of your diploma. I can put you in my Spanish class. And... I know you're an amazing singer. I want you to be in the glee club. We'll get you sobered up... find you some underwear. It's not too late for you, April. What do you say?



Will Schuester: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member.
Finn Hudson: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?
April Rhodes: Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.
Artie Abrams: Mr Schuester, this seems like a terrible idea.
Will Schuester: April is a great singer. And she never graduated.
Mercedes Jones: We appreciate what you're trying to do, but she's no Rachel.
April Rhodes: Who's Rachel?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Sh... She's kind of our star.
April Rhodes: Your star, eh? Well, where is she?
Kurt Hummel: She left. To be the lead in Cabaret.
April Rhodes: Hey, Tinkles, give me "Maybe This Time" in B flat. And don't let me catch you snoozing.
# Maybe this time #
# I'll be lucky #
# Maybe this time, he'll stay #
# Maybe this time #
# For the first time #
# Love won't hurry away #
# He will hold me fast #
# I'll be home at last #
# Not a loser #
# Anymore #
# Like the last time #
# And the time before #
Rachel Berry: # Everybody loves a winner #
April Rhodes: # So nobody loved me #
# Lady Peaceful #
# Lady Happy #
# That's what I long to be #
# All the odds are #
# They're in my favor #
Rachel Berry: # Something's bound to begin #
April Rhodes: # It's gonna happen #
Rachel Berry: # Happen sometime #
April Rhodes: # Maybe this time, I'll win #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause everybody #
# They love a winner #
April Rhodes: # So nobody loved me #
Rachel Berry: # Lady Peaceful #
# Lady Happy #
April Rhodes: # That's what I long to be #
# All the odds are #
# They're in my favor #
Rachel Berry: # Something's bound to give in #
April Rhodes: # It's gonna happen #
Rachel Berry: # Happen sometime #
April Rhodes: # Maybe this time #
Rachel Berry: # Maybe this time, I'll win... #
April Rhodes: # I'll win... #
# Win! #
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.



Will Schuester: So, if I were to say, "I'm going to Mexico for the day," would I use "por" or "para"?
April Rhodes: Mm...
Will Schuester: April.
April Rhodes: Para.
Will Schuester: Por.
April Rhodes: Oh. I guess I better pour myself another Crantini. I'm just kidding. It's hot chocolate.
Will Schuester: All right, remember, guys, oral reports Wednesday. April, can I talk to you for a second?
April Rhodes: I'm sorry, Will. The old noodle just ain't what she used to be. I huffed a lot of upholstery cleaner in the '90s
Will Schuester: Look, April, I've been, uh, talking to the glee kids, and, um, I think they're still not so sure about having you around. You draw a lot of attention to yourself. And they're embarrassed enough as it is. So do you think you could maybe take some time and try to win them over?



April Rhodes: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: Mm, smells like my Aunt Mildred.
April Rhodes: Just drink it.
Kurt Hummel: Sweet. With a bit of an afterburny taste.
April Rhodes: Oh, good Chablis should always have a little bite. Now, a few swigs of that every day before school, and you'll have all the courage you need to be yourself.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
April Rhodes: Oh, yeah.
Kurt Hummel: That's fantastic.
April Rhodes: Mm, so is my primo collection of vintage muscle magazines. Want them?



Kurt Hummel: Mr Schuester, I changed my mind. April should stay. I worship her.



April Rhodes: Oh, no, you got to be more natural.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I c... can't do this.
Mercedes Jones: I don't understand why we're doing this in the first place.
April Rhodes: Your lack of imagination astounds me. This is only the beginning. If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party. With the candles still lit.



Will Schuester: Are you sure?
Mercedes Jones: She can stay.
Tina Cohen-Chang: T... t... Totally.



April Rhodes: Ah! Ah! Ah!... Don't tickle me.



Rachel Berry: # What good is sitting #
# Alone in your room? #
Sandy Ryerson: This is terrible.
Rachel Berry: # Come hear the music play #
Sandy Ryerson: This is a disaster.
Rachel Berry: # Life is a cabaret #
Sandy Ryerson: I'm gonna barf.
Rachel Berry: # Old chum #
Sandy Ryerson: Boring!
Rachel Berry: # Come to the cabaret #
Sandy Ryerson: No, no, no, no, no!
Rachel Berry: I don't know what you want.
Sandy Ryerson: Well, I know what I don't want. And it is all of this. When I gave you this part, I thought you could handle it, but clearly you can't. What this show needs is a star with a little bit more maturity.
Rachel Berry: I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to quit, so you can be the star. Well, it won't work. I'm not going anywhere.
Sandy Ryerson: I'll say.



Rachel Berry: I'm sleeping with him.
Finn Hudson: So am I... This play's weird.
Rachel Berry: That's Mr. Ryerson's favorite line. You're a really good actor, Finn. Maybe you should consider joining the musical.
Finn Hudson: I'm pretty devoted to Glee. I don't think I could just walk away from it. I know how hard it was for you. But I could justify doing both if you came back. But we both know that's not gonna happen.



Finn Hudson: Do you know what we should do?
Rachel Berry: Elope?



Finn Hudson: What?
Rachel Berry: Nothing.
Finn Hudson: We should go bowling. You're always so stressed out about the play. You just need to loosen up. I always go bowling whenever I'm worked up about a big game or something.
Rachel Berry: Just us?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, that... that... that would be great. I... I am really stressed out. But that's the price you pay for being a star.



April Rhodes: Don't I know it.
Will Schuester: Hey,Rachel. April Rhodes, Rachel Berry. Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believing."
Finn Hudson: Wait, she's singing the female lead?
Rachel Berry: Wait, she's in the glee club? She's... ancient.
April Rhodes: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.
Finn Hudson: That's Rachel's part, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Well, Rachel's not in the glee club anymore.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn.
Will Schuester: Rachel... We're all really excited to see the play. Make sure you save us a seat in the front row.
April Rhodes: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Finn Hudson: You, you, you, you, you.



Emma Pillsbury: Kurt? Hi. Kurt. I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh!



Will Schuester: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the set list for Saturday.
Emma Pillsbury: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that "the full Silkwood."
Will Schuester: What happened?
Emma Pillsbury: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an 11-year-old milkmaid. Will, I think it was April. Her backpack's always clinking with empties.
Will Schuester: I'm so sorry. I... I will, I'll talk to him.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. I'm, um, I'm a little bit worried about the glee club.
Will Schuester: So am I. I mean... if we don't place at regionals, it... it's all over.
Emma Pillsbury: We have obligations as teachers, Will, to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment. With April in Glee, you're taking away a kid's chance to grow, and you're giving it to someone whose brain is soaked in corn booze.
Will Schuester: April's not finished, Emma. And if Glee's gonna win, I need to give her a second chance. She is a talented performer and I really think that the kids are going to learn a lot of valuable technique from her.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. But I think you need to think about... why you're doing this and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it.



Sandy Ryerson: You... suck!



April Rhodes: Oh... Rough day at the office, cookie?
Rachel Berry: I've just got a lot on my plate. It's not easy being in the spotlight. It's the difficult road I've chosen.
April Rhodes: Yeah. I know that song, sister. Um, do you have any NyQuil? I could use a little pick-me-up. No. These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.
April Rhodes: Yeah, well, some guys like a little somethin'... somethin' on the side.
Rachel Berry: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate and your presence in this school is a complete travesty. What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.
April Rhodes: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back... I'm never letting it go.



Rachel Berry: Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn't there be diseases in there or something?
Finn Hudson: Oh, no. Ball sharing's all part of the fun. Here, use the pink one. Pink's your favorite color, right?
Rachel Berry: Now what?
Finn Hudson: Follow my lead. Okay, so... Just look at the pins. Nice and straight. You sure this is your first time?



Will Schuester: Oh, ho... ho! April!
April Rhodes: Woo-hoo!
Will Schuester: You see what you can accomplis when you're sober?
April Rhodes: Sober? I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers. I can't feel my lips. Oh, you know... I think I'm going to keep these shoes.
Will Schuester: April... I brought you here because I need to talk to you.
April Rhodes: Okay.
Will Schuester: I'm concerned that you're a bad influence on the glee club. I can't have you around if you're going to continue to encourage them to make bad choices.
April Rhodes: Well, you're right, Will. As of right now, I'm back on the wagon.
Will Schuester: Really? That's great. I have to tell you something. I was in awe of you in high school. I mean, of all the roads I never traveled in my life, the one I regret the most was never... getting the chance to sing with you.
April Rhodes: Really?
Will Schuester: Yeah. I mean, that's how you get better, you know? Singing with people who are better than you.
April Rhodes: You really thought that much of me?
Will Schuester: April... You are the reason I joined Glee Club.
April Rhodes: No... So, your dream was always to sing with me, huh?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
April Rhodes: Well, then, come on.
Will Schuester: What?
April Rhodes: Come on!



Barry: Hey, April, karaoke's on Wednesdays. Tonight's bingo.
April Rhodes: Shut your gravy hole, Barry.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys, uh, happy gambling. Here we go.
April Rhodes: # I hear the ticking of the clock #
# I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark #
# I wonder where you are tonight #
# No answer on the telephone #
# And the night goes by so very slow #
# Oh, I hope that it won't end, though #
# Alone #
# Till now, I always got by on my own #
April & Will: # I never really cared until I met you #
# And now it chills me to the bone #
April Rhodes: # How do I get you alone? #
Will Schuester: # How do I get you alone? #
April Rhodes: # How do I get you alone? #
Will Schuester: # How do I get you alone? #
April & Will: # Alone #
# Alone! #



Rachel Berry: This is really good pizza.
Finn Hudson: Mm... Yeah. I think they import the pepperoni from, like, Michigan or something.
Rachel Berry: How's Glee?
Finn Hudson: Oh, well, everybody misses you.
Rachel Berry: They miss my talent.
Finn Hudson: No, no. We're your friends. We just miss having you around.
Rachel Berry: I love Glee, I just... don't see the point in wasting my energies on someplace that I'm not appreciated.
Finn Hudson: I appreciate you. It's your last ball. Just like the first time, but better.
Rachel Berry: Ah!
Finn Hudson: Come back to Glee.
Rachel Berry: What about Quinn?
Finn Hudson: I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I just know that I want to spend more time with you now.
Rachel Berry: I'll... I'll have to quit the play. I'll do it!



Kurt Hummel: Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant.
Artie Abrams: That doesn't explain all the crying.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe she just doesn't like the group.
Noah Puckerman: Are you all that stupid? Seriously? I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates. Maybe Quinn's got one in the oven.
Mercedes Jones: Who's the baby's daddy?
Noah Puckerman: Who do you think? Finn.
Rachel Berry: Yes, you've heard right... I am returning to Glee Club. In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice.
Mercedes Jones: This is a hot damn mess.
Santana Lopez: Oh! My God!
Rachel Berry: Uh, I'm sorry; I thought I'd be welcomed back with a tad more enthusiasm.
Kurt Hummel: Sorry, Glee Club has just been rocked with its first scandal.
Mercedes Jones: Quinn's knocked up.
Kurt Hummel: And the baby daddy? Finn.



Finn Hudson: I just wanted to drop off the application for that scholarship you were telling me about. I got Rachel to come back to Glee, so, I figure we have a real shot at it.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm so proud of you. See what you can accomplis when you set your mind to it?



Rachel Berry: Finn. You're a liar. Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?
Finn Hudson: Who told you?
Rachel Berry: Everyone knows but me. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.
Finn Hudson: But I... I do. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but... but look, I need to get a music scholarship, so I can go to college, so I can get a good job, so I can take care of my kid and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club. You should take it as a compliment.
Rachel Berry: You could have just been honest with me.
Finn Hudson: Look, I know what I did was wrong. I get that, but... that kiss was real.
Rachel Berry: Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble, but my dreams are bigger than that and they're bigger than you.



Rachel Berry: Miss Sylvester. We need to talk. If you'd like to to return to the musical, changes need to be made.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, I couldn't agree with you more. You know, when I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious. I hereby grant you complete artistic control. Congratulations, kiddo. You now have everything you could possibly want. Isn't it a great feeling?
New Directions: Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... ... ... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia...
Will Schuester: The house is packed... you guys are going to kick butt tonight. Your first performance in front of a real audience. I can't wait. You guys are going to love it. Where... Where's April?
April Rhodes: Yee-haw! Right on cue, as usual. Hey, roller-boy. Handsome. Oh, I like that color. Have you been working on the, uh, moves we talked... You've got something right there, on your... Uh, oh... Honk! There's my boy.
Will Schuester: Are you drunk? You promised me you'd sober up for this.
April Rhodes: When? Last night? Well, I was drunk. You can't hold me to that. Hit it, knuckles. You... You... You... You... You...



Emma Pillsbury: April Rhodes almost ran me over in the parking lot just now, Will. You can't let her go on in her condition.
Will Schuester: There is an auditorium full of people waiting to see us perform and if she doesn't go on, none of the kids can.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow. It's really great how committed you are to these kids.



Principal Figgins: Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome McKinley High School's New Directions.
April Rhodes: # Last night, I got served a little bit too much #
# Of that poison, baby #
# Last night, I did things I'm not proud of #
# And I got a little crazy #
# Last night, I met a guy on the dance floor #
# And I let him call me baby #
New Directions: # And I don't even know his last name #
# Oh, my mama would be so ashamed #
# It started off, "Hey, cutie, where you from?" #
# And then it turned into, "Oh, no, what have I done?" #
# And I don't even know his last name #
April Rhodes: # Wow! #
# We left the club right around 3:00 in the morning #
# His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot #
# Well, it should have been a warning #
# I had no clue what I was getting into #
# So I blame it on the Cuervo #
New Directions: # I don't even know my last name #
# And my mama would be so ashamed #
April Rhodes: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Wow! #
New Directions: # Don't even know #
April Rhodes: # My last name #
# Oh, yeah. #



April Rhodes: Mm... Mm...
Will Schuester: I need to talk to you.
April Rhodes: Sorry. Baby had to tinkle. Come on. Act two.
Will Schuester: No, I can't let you go back out there. You broke a promise.
April Rhodes: You're right. It's a great moment for me, but it didn't feel right. I don't belong up there. But everybody desserves their moment in the spotlight, you know, to shine? Oh, I got that standing ovation, Will. And it felt amazing. Like every bad decision I'd ever made just went away. I was back in the game. But then I look over and I see these sweet faces of these kids and I think... "I'm hogging their sunshine. It's their turn now, not yours." They're so Lucky to have you, Will, because you won't let what happened to me ever happen to any of them.
Will Schuester: So, where you gonna go?
April Rhodes: Well, um... I'm going to straighten up. Maybe try to find a new dream. You know, I always loved the Broadway.
Will Schuester: The Broadway.
April Rhodes: Do you think there's a part out there for a washed-up has-been like me?
Will Schuester: April, you are not washed-up. And hey, there's always Branson.
April Rhodes: Will... Will... Will...
Will Schuester: Thank you.
April Rhodes: Oh... No, no, no. Thank you. Branson, eh?



Artie Abrams: They loved us! We're a hit.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh... Wh... Where's April?
Kurt Hummel: You were right, Mr. Schue. She'd massacre Mariah in a diva-off.
Will Schuester: April is amazing. But she's not in the glee club anymore. It... I, uh... I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great.
Mercedes Jones: But we need her for the second act.
Will Schuester: I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short. Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry.
Rachel Berry: Excuse me? I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.
Mercedes Jones: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?
Rachel Berry: Since I quit the play.
Kurt Hummel: Really? Why?
Rachel Berry: I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.
Quinn Fabray: You don't know the choreography.
Finn Hudson: Then we're going to have to give her a lot of help out there.
Will Schuester: Go get in your costume.



Will Schuester: Excuse-me!
Finn Hudson: # Can #
New Directions: # Anybody #
# Find me #
# Somebody to love? #
Rachel Berry: # Oh-oh, oh... ho! #
# Each morning I get up, I die a little #
# Can barely stand on my feet #
New Directions: # Take a look, take a look #
Finn Hudson: # Take a look in the mirror #
# And cry, "Lord, what you doing to me?" #
Rachel Berry: # I spent all my years believing you #
# But I just can't get no relief #
# Lord #
Finn & Rachel: # Somebody, oh, somebody #
# Can anybody find me #
Rachel Berry: # Somebody to love? #
New Directions: # Someone to love #
Finn Hudson: # Got no feet, I got no rhythm #
# I just keep losing my beat #
New Directions: # You just keep losing #
Rachel Berry: # I'm okay, I'm all right #
New Directions: # It's all right #
Rachel Berry: # I ain't gonna face no defeat #
Finn & Rachel: # I just got to get out of this prison cell #
# Someday I'm gonna be free #
# Lord #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
Rachel Berry: # Me... oh, oh, oh #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
Rachel Berry: # Oh #
New Directions: # Somebody, somebody #
# Somebody, somebody #
# Find me, find me #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Can anybody find me #
Mercedes Jones: # Somebody to love? #
# Oh, oh... #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
Rachel Berry: # Somebody find me #
Finn Hudson: # Find me #
New Directions: # Somebody find me #
# Somebody to love #
# Somebody #
# Find me #
# Somebody #
# To... #
# Love. #


Finn Hudson: # A singer in a smoky room #
Quinn Fabray: # The smell of wine and cheap perfume #
Finn & Quinn: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
Will Schuester: Quinn, you OK?
Finn Hudson: I think she just had a bad breakfast burrito.
Kurt Hummel: Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?
Santana Lopez: Your sexuality?
Kurt Hummel: Rachel. We can't do it without her.
Will Schuester: That's not true. We may have to layer Santana Mercedes over Quinn's solo, but... we'll be fine.
Artie Abrams: Maybe for the invitationals, but not for the sectionals and certainly not the regionals.
Noah Puckerman: The wheelchair kid's right. That Rachel chick wants me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.
Will Schuester: Rachel left, guys. She's gone. If we want to make this thing work, we can't look back. Alright, take five minutes.
Finn Hudson: Um. Mr. Schue? I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but with all the dancing around that Quinn's doing, I'm kind of worried about the baby.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Um... how about I give Tina a few of her verses, okay?
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Will Schuester: You think you might want to tell your mom about what's going on?
Finn Hudson: I think I'd rather handle it myself right now. My mom's got enough to worry about.



Will Schuester: How come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray has been upchucking every 15 minutes.
Terri Schuester: Really? That's a really good sign. That means the baby's not a Mongoloid.
Will Schuester: Well, is it bad that you haven't been sick then?
Terri Schuester: Oh, no, honey, no, no. You should ask Howard Bamboo about my Linda Blair impersonations every half hour at work.
Will Schuester: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this whole Rachel thing.
Waiter: Hey. Would you like anything else?
Terri Schuester: Another piece of grasshopper pie.
Waiter: What, are you going for the record?
Terri Schuester: I'm with child.
Will Schuester: Hey, did you go to McKinley High? I think I had you in my Spanish class.
Waiter: Yeah, like, five years ago. I go to Carmel now.
Will Schuester: How is that possible? You must be 22.
Waiter: ... Twenty-four. I'm a sixth-year senior. They keep failing me so I can stay in Vocal Adrenaline.
Will Schuester: They fail you on purpose?
Waiter: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Is that legal?
Waiter: I'm the only one who can do the triple flip.
Terri Schuester: Yeah. Hey, how about that other piece of pie?
Waiter: How about it.
Terri Schuester: Honey, are you all right?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Fine.



Finn Hudson: So... have I done something wrong... or... ?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. No, no. Absolutely not. No, um, actually, I've just, um, taken a special interest in you. Look, I know sometimes that life can come at you pretty fast, and, uh, you reach a point where you might just need a little, um, special guidance.
Finn Hudson: Has someone told you something about my personal life?
Emma Pillsbury: No. Mm-mm.



Will Schuester: Can you keep a secret?



Emma Pillsbury: But, you know, there are very few students that ever get athletic scholarships. Okay? But there are a lot of schools that give full rides to students who excel in music. Students like yourself. And I don't know, maybe if you were able to go to college, you wouldn't, say, end up stuck in this town in a dead-end job living hand- to-mouth with a wife and a kid you never intended to have, you know? For example. That's just something off the top of my head.
Finn Hudson: But we lost Rachel. Do you think we can do it without her?
Emma Pillsbury: Sure.



Will Schuester: Do you think we can win regionals without Rachel?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, remember the Jamaican bobsled team? Big long shots.



Emma Pillsbury: Definitely. But if you're concerned about your future and, um, those who may be a part of your future soon, um, maybe you could just give Rachel a talk. You know, see if you can get her to come back.



Jacob Ben Israel: How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical?
Rachel Berry: It's an honor. Frankly, one I feel I've earned. If there's anything I've learned in my 16 years on the stage, it's that stars are rare, and when they're found, you have to let them shine.
Jacob Ben Israel: ... Mm. Show me your bra.
Rachel Berry: You mean the one I'm wearing?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good review, show me your over the shoulder boulder holder.
Rachel Berry: No way. You can't do that. My performance will stand on its own. Besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway.
Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online. You'll be finished on the high school stage. Now, get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.
Sandy Ryerson: Sorry I'm late. My Vespa had a flat.Give me a minute and I will be ready for my interview.
Jacob Ben Israel: We're actually not gonna need any quotes from you for the article, Mr Ryerson. Do the right thing. All the great actresses take their clothes off.
Sandy Ryerson: Well, I have no problem with nudity. Let me tell you about my planned production of Equus. Have you ever hung out at a stable?
Finn Hudson: Hey, what are you doing?
Rachel Berry: Nothing. Uh, just... getting the star treatment I didn't get in Glee.
Finn Hudson: Totally.
Rachel Berry: It's times like this where I know I've chosen the right path. I'm never going back to Glee. It's clear my talent is too big for an ensemble.
Finn Hudson: Not gonna get an argument from me.
Rachel Berry: I'm not?
Finn Hudson: No. You're, like, the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chain saws. I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to run lines with, I'm available.
Rachel Berry: Th... There is a lot of dialogue.
Finn Hudson: I figured... we could go somewhere quiet, maybe with low lighting and... Let me know.



Emma Pillsbury: I could get fired for this.
Will Schuester: She was a student 15 years ago. No one is gonna care.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: I... I knew it. She never graduated. She... she quit with, like, three credits to go.
Emma Pillsbury: Will. Yeah, I, um, I saw her picture in the folder. Pretty.
Will Schuester: Pretty? Mm. April Rhodes was a goddess. The most talented performer in McKinley Glee Club history. When she sang, it was mesmerizing. She was my first crush. I was a freshman...
Emma Pillsbury: Wait...
Will Schuester: ... she was a senior.
Emma Pillsbury: Wait, hold on, 'cause I thought you said your wife was your first crush.
Will Schuester: Well, yeah, that's because April didn't even look at me. Aw, crap, there's no forwarding address.
Emma Pillsbury: S... So then you've... you've had feelings for someone other than your wife.
Will Schuester: Emma, I'd love to play This Is Your Life, but... Lord Google demands my attention.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, just wait... wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Um, reaching back into your past is a dangerous business, okay? People can change. They can, um, disappoint you...
Will Schuester: I think I can handle it.
Emma Pillsbury: I thought I could, too. Just hear me out, hear me out. A few years ago, I started an online flirtation with a high school flame Andy. Things got weird, and I called it off. And two months later... ... Versace was dead. Dead.
Will Schuester: Okay... April Rhodes... Ohio. Oh! She has a MySpace page.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God.
Will Schuester: Oh, and here's a link to her own personal web site. She's online. "Hi, April."Not sure if you remember me, but my name is Will Schuester."
Emma Pillsbury: 35 Bontempo Road, between 2: 00 and 3: 00.
Will Schuester: Oh! Oh!
Emma Pillsbury: Bring buffalo wings.



Will Schuester: April.
April Rhodes: Hello. Are you Will?
Will Schuester: Y... You remember me?
April Rhodes: Mm. No, but I don't remember breakfast. Come on in. So, did I sleep with you?
Will Schuester: Uh, I was a freshman when you were a senior.
April Rhodes: So, did I sleep with you?
Will Schuester: No.
April Rhodes: Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a fresh box of wine.
Will Schuester: This is a-a great place you have. Uh, looks like you're doing well for yourself.
April Rhodes: I get about five or six appointments on a good day from my World Wide Web page, so I do okay for myself. Why don't you have a seat, take off that jacket, and I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable.
Real Estate Agent: So, this is a beautiful five-bedroom... with wood-burning fireplace and... You. This is the third time this week.
Will Schuester: Who are you?
Real Estate Agent: I'm Sandra with Oakcrest Realty. And she is a squatter. This is a bank- owned property. The owners foreclosed six months ago.
April Rhodes: Let me just get my vino, and I'll be out of your hair. Hold that.
Will Schuester: Okay. Just... Nice place.



Will Schuester: Can I ask you a question?
April Rhodes: Yeah.
Will Schuester: What happened to you, April? In high school, you were really going places. You had a voice like a dream; everyone loved you.
April Rhodes: Oh. Oh, I hitched my star to the wrong wagon. Me and my high school sweetheart Vinny were convinced we were going to be stars, so we dropped out of school and hitchhiked our way to the Broadway. Then we ended up in Cleveland slinging hash at Ralph's Bait Shop and Waffle House. Then Ralph had an affair with Vinny. I had a set of mixed-race twins. And those were the good times....
Will Schuester: April... I think your struggle is really moving. And I want to help you get back on your feet. I happen to know that you're only three credits shy of your diploma. I can put you in my Spanish class. And... I know you're an amazing singer. I want you to be in the glee club. We'll get you sobered up... find you some underwear. It's not too late for you, April. What do you say?



Will Schuester: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member.
Finn Hudson: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?
April Rhodes: Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.
Artie Abrams: Mr Schuester, this seems like a terrible idea.
Will Schuester: April is a great singer. And she never graduated.
Mercedes Jones: We appreciate what you're trying to do, but she's no Rachel.
April Rhodes: Who's Rachel?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Sh... She's kind of our star.
April Rhodes: Your star, eh? Well, where is she?
Kurt Hummel: She left. To be the lead in Cabaret.
April Rhodes: Hey, Tinkles, give me "Maybe This Time" in B flat. And don't let me catch you snoozing.
# Maybe this time #
# I'll be lucky #
# Maybe this time, he'll stay #
# Maybe this time #
# For the first time #
# Love won't hurry away #
# He will hold me fast #
# I'll be home at last #
# Not a loser #
# Anymore #
# Like the last time #
# And the time before #
Rachel Berry: # Everybody loves a winner #
April Rhodes: # So nobody loved me #
# Lady Peaceful #
# Lady Happy #
# That's what I long to be #
# All the odds are #
# They're in my favor #
Rachel Berry: # Something's bound to begin #
April Rhodes: # It's gonna happen #
Rachel Berry: # Happen sometime #
April Rhodes: # Maybe this time, I'll win #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause everybody #
# They love a winner #
April Rhodes: # So nobody loved me #
Rachel Berry: # Lady Peaceful #
# Lady Happy #
April Rhodes: # That's what I long to be #
# All the odds are #
# They're in my favor #
Rachel Berry: # Something's bound to give in #
April Rhodes: # It's gonna happen #
Rachel Berry: # Happen sometime #
April Rhodes: # Maybe this time #
Rachel Berry: # Maybe this time, I'll win... #
April Rhodes: # I'll win... #
# Win! #
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.



Will Schuester: So, if I were to say, "I'm going to Mexico for the day," would I use "por" or "para"?
April Rhodes: Mm...
Will Schuester: April.
April Rhodes: Para.
Will Schuester: Por.
April Rhodes: Oh. I guess I better pour myself another Crantini. I'm just kidding. It's hot chocolate.
Will Schuester: All right, remember, guys, oral reports Wednesday. April, can I talk to you for a second?
April Rhodes: I'm sorry, Will. The old noodle just ain't what she used to be. I huffed a lot of upholstery cleaner in the '90s
Will Schuester: Look, April, I've been, uh, talking to the glee kids, and, um, I think they're still not so sure about having you around. You draw a lot of attention to yourself. And they're embarrassed enough as it is. So do you think you could maybe take some time and try to win them over?



April Rhodes: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: Mm, smells like my Aunt Mildred.
April Rhodes: Just drink it.
Kurt Hummel: Sweet. With a bit of an afterburny taste.
April Rhodes: Oh, good Chablis should always have a little bite. Now, a few swigs of that every day before school, and you'll have all the courage you need to be yourself.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
April Rhodes: Oh, yeah.
Kurt Hummel: That's fantastic.
April Rhodes: Mm, so is my primo collection of vintage muscle magazines. Want them?



Kurt Hummel: Mr Schuester, I changed my mind. April should stay. I worship her.



April Rhodes: Oh, no, you got to be more natural.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I c... can't do this.
Mercedes Jones: I don't understand why we're doing this in the first place.
April Rhodes: Your lack of imagination astounds me. This is only the beginning. If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party. With the candles still lit.



Will Schuester: Are you sure?
Mercedes Jones: She can stay.
Tina Cohen-Chang: T... t... Totally.



April Rhodes: Ah! Ah! Ah!... Don't tickle me.



Rachel Berry: # What good is sitting #
# Alone in your room? #
Sandy Ryerson: This is terrible.
Rachel Berry: # Come hear the music play #
Sandy Ryerson: This is a disaster.
Rachel Berry: # Life is a cabaret #
Sandy Ryerson: I'm gonna barf.
Rachel Berry: # Old chum #
Sandy Ryerson: Boring!
Rachel Berry: # Come to the cabaret #
Sandy Ryerson: No, no, no, no, no!
Rachel Berry: I don't know what you want.
Sandy Ryerson: Well, I know what I don't want. And it is all of this. When I gave you this part, I thought you could handle it, but clearly you can't. What this show needs is a star with a little bit more maturity.
Rachel Berry: I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to quit, so you can be the star. Well, it won't work. I'm not going anywhere.
Sandy Ryerson: I'll say.



Rachel Berry: I'm sleeping with him.
Finn Hudson: So am I... This play's weird.
Rachel Berry: That's Mr. Ryerson's favorite line. You're a really good actor, Finn. Maybe you should consider joining the musical.
Finn Hudson: I'm pretty devoted to Glee. I don't think I could just walk away from it. I know how hard it was for you. But I could justify doing both if you came back. But we both know that's not gonna happen.



Finn Hudson: Do you know what we should do?
Rachel Berry: Elope?



Finn Hudson: What?
Rachel Berry: Nothing.
Finn Hudson: We should go bowling. You're always so stressed out about the play. You just need to loosen up. I always go bowling whenever I'm worked up about a big game or something.
Rachel Berry: Just us?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, that... that... that would be great. I... I am really stressed out. But that's the price you pay for being a star.



April Rhodes: Don't I know it.
Will Schuester: Hey,Rachel. April Rhodes, Rachel Berry. Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believing."
Finn Hudson: Wait, she's singing the female lead?
Rachel Berry: Wait, she's in the glee club? She's... ancient.
April Rhodes: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.
Finn Hudson: That's Rachel's part, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Well, Rachel's not in the glee club anymore.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn.
Will Schuester: Rachel... We're all really excited to see the play. Make sure you save us a seat in the front row.
April Rhodes: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Finn Hudson: You, you, you, you, you.



Emma Pillsbury: Kurt? Hi. Kurt. I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh!



Will Schuester: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the set list for Saturday.
Emma Pillsbury: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that "the full Silkwood."
Will Schuester: What happened?
Emma Pillsbury: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an 11-year-old milkmaid. Will, I think it was April. Her backpack's always clinking with empties.
Will Schuester: I'm so sorry. I... I will, I'll talk to him.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. I'm, um, I'm a little bit worried about the glee club.
Will Schuester: So am I. I mean... if we don't place at regionals, it... it's all over.
Emma Pillsbury: We have obligations as teachers, Will, to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment. With April in Glee, you're taking away a kid's chance to grow, and you're giving it to someone whose brain is soaked in corn booze.
Will Schuester: April's not finished, Emma. And if Glee's gonna win, I need to give her a second chance. She is a talented performer and I really think that the kids are going to learn a lot of valuable technique from her.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. But I think you need to think about... why you're doing this and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it.



Sandy Ryerson: You... suck!



April Rhodes: Oh... Rough day at the office, cookie?
Rachel Berry: I've just got a lot on my plate. It's not easy being in the spotlight. It's the difficult road I've chosen.
April Rhodes: Yeah. I know that song, sister. Um, do you have any NyQuil? I could use a little pick-me-up. No. These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.
April Rhodes: Yeah, well, some guys like a little somethin'... somethin' on the side.
Rachel Berry: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate and your presence in this school is a complete travesty. What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.
April Rhodes: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back... I'm never letting it go.



Rachel Berry: Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn't there be diseases in there or something?
Finn Hudson: Oh, no. Ball sharing's all part of the fun. Here, use the pink one. Pink's your favorite color, right?
Rachel Berry: Now what?
Finn Hudson: Follow my lead. Okay, so... Just look at the pins. Nice and straight. You sure this is your first time?



Will Schuester: Oh, ho... ho! April!
April Rhodes: Woo-hoo!
Will Schuester: You see what you can accomplis when you're sober?
April Rhodes: Sober? I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers. I can't feel my lips. Oh, you know... I think I'm going to keep these shoes.
Will Schuester: April... I brought you here because I need to talk to you.
April Rhodes: Okay.
Will Schuester: I'm concerned that you're a bad influence on the glee club. I can't have you around if you're going to continue to encourage them to make bad choices.
April Rhodes: Well, you're right, Will. As of right now, I'm back on the wagon.
Will Schuester: Really? That's great. I have to tell you something. I was in awe of you in high school. I mean, of all the roads I never traveled in my life, the one I regret the most was never... getting the chance to sing with you.
April Rhodes: Really?
Will Schuester: Yeah. I mean, that's how you get better, you know? Singing with people who are better than you.
April Rhodes: You really thought that much of me?
Will Schuester: April... You are the reason I joined Glee Club.
April Rhodes: No... So, your dream was always to sing with me, huh?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
April Rhodes: Well, then, come on.
Will Schuester: What?
April Rhodes: Come on!



Barry: Hey, April, karaoke's on Wednesdays. Tonight's bingo.
April Rhodes: Shut your gravy hole, Barry.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys, uh, happy gambling. Here we go.
April Rhodes: # I hear the ticking of the clock #
# I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark #
# I wonder where you are tonight #
# No answer on the telephone #
# And the night goes by so very slow #
# Oh, I hope that it won't end, though #
# Alone #
# Till now, I always got by on my own #
April & Will: # I never really cared until I met you #
# And now it chills me to the bone #
April Rhodes: # How do I get you alone? #
Will Schuester: # How do I get you alone? #
April Rhodes: # How do I get you alone? #
Will Schuester: # How do I get you alone? #
April & Will: # Alone #
# Alone! #



Rachel Berry: This is really good pizza.
Finn Hudson: Mm... Yeah. I think they import the pepperoni from, like, Michigan or something.
Rachel Berry: How's Glee?
Finn Hudson: Oh, well, everybody misses you.
Rachel Berry: They miss my talent.
Finn Hudson: No, no. We're your friends. We just miss having you around.
Rachel Berry: I love Glee, I just... don't see the point in wasting my energies on someplace that I'm not appreciated.
Finn Hudson: I appreciate you. It's your last ball. Just like the first time, but better.
Rachel Berry: Ah!
Finn Hudson: Come back to Glee.
Rachel Berry: What about Quinn?
Finn Hudson: I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I just know that I want to spend more time with you now.
Rachel Berry: I'll... I'll have to quit the play. I'll do it!



Kurt Hummel: Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant.
Artie Abrams: That doesn't explain all the crying.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe she just doesn't like the group.
Noah Puckerman: Are you all that stupid? Seriously? I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates. Maybe Quinn's got one in the oven.
Mercedes Jones: Who's the baby's daddy?
Noah Puckerman: Who do you think? Finn.
Rachel Berry: Yes, you've heard right... I am returning to Glee Club. In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice.
Mercedes Jones: This is a hot damn mess.
Santana Lopez: Oh! My God!
Rachel Berry: Uh, I'm sorry; I thought I'd be welcomed back with a tad more enthusiasm.
Kurt Hummel: Sorry, Glee Club has just been rocked with its first scandal.
Mercedes Jones: Quinn's knocked up.
Kurt Hummel: And the baby daddy? Finn.



Finn Hudson: I just wanted to drop off the application for that scholarship you were telling me about. I got Rachel to come back to Glee, so, I figure we have a real shot at it.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm so proud of you. See what you can accomplis when you set your mind to it?



Rachel Berry: Finn. You're a liar. Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?
Finn Hudson: Who told you?
Rachel Berry: Everyone knows but me. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.
Finn Hudson: But I... I do. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but... but look, I need to get a music scholarship, so I can go to college, so I can get a good job, so I can take care of my kid and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club. You should take it as a compliment.
Rachel Berry: You could have just been honest with me.
Finn Hudson: Look, I know what I did was wrong. I get that, but... that kiss was real.
Rachel Berry: Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble, but my dreams are bigger than that and they're bigger than you.



Rachel Berry: Miss Sylvester. We need to talk. If you'd like to to return to the musical, changes need to be made.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, I couldn't agree with you more. You know, when I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious. I hereby grant you complete artistic control. Congratulations, kiddo. You now have everything you could possibly want. Isn't it a great feeling?
New Directions: Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... ... ... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia...
Will Schuester: The house is packed... you guys are going to kick butt tonight. Your first performance in front of a real audience. I can't wait. You guys are going to love it. Where... Where's April?
April Rhodes: Yee-haw! Right on cue, as usual. Hey, roller-boy. Handsome. Oh, I like that color. Have you been working on the, uh, moves we talked... You've got something right there, on your... Uh, oh... Honk! There's my boy.
Will Schuester: Are you drunk? You promised me you'd sober up for this.
April Rhodes: When? Last night? Well, I was drunk. You can't hold me to that. Hit it, knuckles. You... You... You... You... You...



Emma Pillsbury: April Rhodes almost ran me over in the parking lot just now, Will. You can't let her go on in her condition.
Will Schuester: There is an auditorium full of people waiting to see us perform and if she doesn't go on, none of the kids can.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow. It's really great how committed you are to these kids.



Principal Figgins: Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome McKinley High School's New Directions.
April Rhodes: # Last night, I got served a little bit too much #
# Of that poison, baby #
# Last night, I did things I'm not proud of #
# And I got a little crazy #
# Last night, I met a guy on the dance floor #
# And I let him call me baby #
New Directions: # And I don't even know his last name #
# Oh, my mama would be so ashamed #
# It started off, "Hey, cutie, where you from?" #
# And then it turned into, "Oh, no, what have I done?" #
# And I don't even know his last name #
April Rhodes: # Wow! #
# We left the club right around 3:00 in the morning #
# His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot #
# Well, it should have been a warning #
# I had no clue what I was getting into #
# So I blame it on the Cuervo #
New Directions: # I don't even know my last name #
# And my mama would be so ashamed #
April Rhodes: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Wow! #
New Directions: # Don't even know #
April Rhodes: # My last name #
# Oh, yeah. #



April Rhodes: Mm... Mm...
Will Schuester: I need to talk to you.
April Rhodes: Sorry. Baby had to tinkle. Come on. Act two.
Will Schuester: No, I can't let you go back out there. You broke a promise.
April Rhodes: You're right. It's a great moment for me, but it didn't feel right. I don't belong up there. But everybody desserves their moment in the spotlight, you know, to shine? Oh, I got that standing ovation, Will. And it felt amazing. Like every bad decision I'd ever made just went away. I was back in the game. But then I look over and I see these sweet faces of these kids and I think... "I'm hogging their sunshine. It's their turn now, not yours." They're so Lucky to have you, Will, because you won't let what happened to me ever happen to any of them.
Will Schuester: So, where you gonna go?
April Rhodes: Well, um... I'm going to straighten up. Maybe try to find a new dream. You know, I always loved the Broadway.
Will Schuester: The Broadway.
April Rhodes: Do you think there's a part out there for a washed-up has-been like me?
Will Schuester: April, you are not washed-up. And hey, there's always Branson.
April Rhodes: Will... Will... Will...
Will Schuester: Thank you.
April Rhodes: Oh... No, no, no. Thank you. Branson, eh?



Artie Abrams: They loved us! We're a hit.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh... Wh... Where's April?
Kurt Hummel: You were right, Mr. Schue. She'd massacre Mariah in a diva-off.
Will Schuester: April is amazing. But she's not in the glee club anymore. It... I, uh... I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great.
Mercedes Jones: But we need her for the second act.
Will Schuester: I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short. Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry.
Rachel Berry: Excuse me? I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.
Mercedes Jones: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?
Rachel Berry: Since I quit the play.
Kurt Hummel: Really? Why?
Rachel Berry: I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.
Quinn Fabray: You don't know the choreography.
Finn Hudson: Then we're going to have to give her a lot of help out there.
Will Schuester: Go get in your costume.



Will Schuester: Excuse-me!
Finn Hudson: # Can #
New Directions: # Anybody #
# Find me #
# Somebody to love? #
Rachel Berry: # Oh-oh, oh... ho! #
# Each morning I get up, I die a little #
# Can barely stand on my feet #
New Directions: # Take a look, take a look #
Finn Hudson: # Take a look in the mirror #
# And cry, "Lord, what you doing to me?" #
Rachel Berry: # I spent all my years believing you #
# But I just can't get no relief #
# Lord #
Finn & Rachel: # Somebody, oh, somebody #
# Can anybody find me #
Rachel Berry: # Somebody to love? #
New Directions: # Someone to love #
Finn Hudson: # Got no feet, I got no rhythm #
# I just keep losing my beat #
New Directions: # You just keep losing #
Rachel Berry: # I'm okay, I'm all right #
New Directions: # It's all right #
Rachel Berry: # I ain't gonna face no defeat #
Finn & Rachel: # I just got to get out of this prison cell #
# Someday I'm gonna be free #
# Lord #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
Rachel Berry: # Me... oh, oh, oh #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
Rachel Berry: # Oh #
New Directions: # Somebody, somebody #
# Somebody, somebody #
# Find me, find me #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Can anybody find me #
Mercedes Jones: # Somebody to love? #
# Oh, oh... #
New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
Rachel Berry: # Somebody find me #
Finn Hudson: # Find me #
New Directions: # Somebody find me #
# Somebody to love #
# Somebody #
# Find me #
# Somebody #
# To... #
# Love. #
外部リンク
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 Glee Wiki

106. Vitamin D

放送日:2009年10月7日


Ian Brennan: Here's what happened last week.
Mercedes Jones: This is a hot damn mess.
Ian Brennan: Rachel and the glee club know that Quinn's pregnant, but they all think Finn's the father, when really it's Puck.
Finn Hudson: Oh!
Ian Brennan: Yikes! And Terri's only fake pregnant and wants Quinn to give her her baby so Will won't find out.
Will Schuester: How come you haven't had any morning sickness?
Ian Brennan: Oh, and also, Ken is dating Emma, but she's really got eyes for Mr. Schue. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: Five, six, seven, eight. Step, turn, Out, in, ball-change, step ball-change step. You, you, you, you. And ba-ba-ba. Turn... Come on, guys, you're sleepwalking on me here. Give me some energy. We've got sectionals in two...
Mercedes Jones: Please, sectionals is going to be a breeze.
Will Schuester: Maybe so. But if we coast through sectionals, We're gonna get killed at regionals. We have got to be on our game.
Kurt Hummel: Sorry. Funny youtube. It's the grape stomping one.



Will Schuester: The kids have gotten really complacent. It's like the fire has totally gone out.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, um, I'm sorry, you've just, uh... You've got a little Mustard in your cute Kirk Douglas chin dimple.
Will Schuester: Wha...? Huh? I get it?
Emma Pillsbury: Um... Here, let me. Hold on. There.
Will Schuester: Thanks.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, so... Uh, when did... when did this start to happen?
Will Schuester: A week ago.



Rachel Berry: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Will Schuester: Great news, guys. Just got the competition bracket for sectionals, and we are in really good shape. There's only two other teams. We beat them, we make it to regionals.
Rachel Berry: Uh, who are the other teams?
Will Schuester: Drum-roll please, Finn. School for the deaf in Dayton and someplace called Jane Addams academy.
Mercedes Jones: Jane Addams? That's a halfway house For girls just getting out of juvie.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Th-th-this is great.
Artie Abrams: People who can't hear what they're singing and criminals who don't care. It's gonna be a cakewalk. High fi...



Will Schuester: They think they've got it in the bag, so they've simply stopped trying. I've got to figure out some way to motivate them.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, well, you, um, you could... Oh, what about a sticker board? That's how my parents Got me to do chores when I was a kid. Right, so I'd do a chore and then I'd get a star, and then...
Sue Sylvester: Oh, dear god, please, please... Stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of our asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further. You know what this is? It's a list of my cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random and I kick them out.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, in glee club we do things a little bit differently.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, yeah, Will? How's that working out for you? You have to remember something. We're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly. So if you want results with a kid, You find that competitive animal within and unleash it. Okay. Ellen, that blouse is just insane.
Emma Pillsbury: I can't believe she's allowed to teach at this school.
Will Schuester: You know... she may have a point.



Will Schuester: Competition. Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better.
Kurt Hummel: I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.
Will Schuester: Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want to get through sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side. Let's go, come on. All right. Kurt. Here's the deal. Two teams-- boys versus girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash-up of your choice.
Noah Puckerman: What's a mash-up?
Will Schuester: A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression. Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay, costumes, choreography. Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for sectionals.
Rachel Berry: Wait, who's going to be the judge? Your gender makes you biased.
Will Schuester: Ah... There is going to be A celebrity judge.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh-who?
Will Schuester: Oh, you're going to have to show up to find out.
Mercedes Jones: We got this in the bag.
Rachel Berry: Totally. I'm going to start story-boarding our choreography tonight.
Will Schuester: Hey, I hope you guys are up for this competition. The girls look pretty pumped.
Artie Abrams: We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, you all right? You seem a little out of it.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm just a little worn out.
Noah Puckerman: come on, dude. We're late for football practice.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn when I tried making a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at cheerios practice-- disaster. It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg: a quiver. That quiver will lose us nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.



Sue Sylvester: Feeling all right, Quinn?
Quinn Fabray: I'm just really tired from glee club.



Sue Sylvester: Glee club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating, mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything only to be shanghaied by the the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's will schuester. What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? The store-bought home perm? You know, Journal, I noticed something yesterday.
Emma Pillsbury: ...chin dimple.
Sue Sylvester: Of course, it's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I'll just have to destroy the man.



Sue Sylvester: Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa In a hickory farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you.
Terri Schuester: What?! With who?
Sue Sylvester: Guidance counselor. Real floozy and a man-eater. Wears creepy brooches like the kind my nana was buried in. More tea.
Terri Schuester: Oh, sorry.
Sue Sylvester: It's the same old song. Wife puts on a couple extra pounds...
Terri Schuester: Oh, I'm pregnant.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, that's no excuse. I've always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me-- never wanted kids. Don't have the time, don't have the uterus.
Terri Schuester: Are you sure about this?
Sue Sylvester: A woman always knows. Let me put it to you this way-- If it's not a full-blown affair, Well, it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through The haze of lust that surrounds them.
Terri Schuester: Oh, god, what am I going to do?!
Sue Sylvester: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.
Terri Schuester: Now you're absolutely sure about this? I mean, you have proof?
Sue Sylvester: Get into that school and sniff out those sex pheromones for yourself. We happen to have an opening. Our school nurse, Mrs. Lancaster, is in a coma. Oh, she took a terrible tumble down the stairwell yesterday.
Terri Schuester: But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets n' Things.
Sue Sylvester: I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the panama canal zone. But I managed to get a passport. I've run for office twice. My advice to you, if you want to keep your husband... get creative.



Principal Figgins: Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest in the nursing position. But your previous experience is limited to folding hand towels.
Terri Schuester: As assistant manager at Sheets n' Things, I've had first aid training. Mm-hmm. I've also used a defibrillator.
Principal Figgins: Hmm.



Emma Pillsbury: So what did you want to talk to me about?
Will Schuester: Oh, good news. I figured out a way to get the kids motivated. They're going to compete against each other In a glee-off.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh.
Will Schuester: And guess who the celebrity judge is going to be? You.
Emma Pillsbury: Me?
Will Schuester: You are the most honest and impartial person I know.
Terri Schuester: Well, isn't this a surprise.
Will Schuester: Terri, wh-what are you doing here?
Terri Schuester: Hi. I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Terri schuester, will's pregnant wife.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Terri Schuester: Oh, honey, Someone got a little lipstick on your cup.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no. Oh.
Terri Schuester: I got it.
Will Schuester: Um, is everything okay, Terri? You-you never visit me at work.
Terri Schuester: Oh, I'm not visiting. No. You've been so stressed about our finances lately, that I thought I would pitch in by getting a second job. I'm the new school nurse.
Will Schuester: But you're not a nurse. You don't have any training.
Terri Schuester: Oh, please, Will. It's a public school. Isn't this going to be great? This means I am gonna be around all the time now.



Ken Tanaka: Know your routes. Now that is the key to this play, gentlemen. The receivers run the fly route down-field and then block as the play develops, okay? Know your assignments. It's not...
Finn Hudson: I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time. I can't keep my eyes open.
Ken Tanaka: That's your only job is to know your assignments.



Will Schuester: No sharps and no flats.
Finn Hudson: I know how lucky I am. Captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She's hot, popular, and she's carrying my baby and all, but I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out in a swim-fan kind of way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking... If you're not into boobs. My body's a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day, and I have to rub bio-freeze on my shins a couple times a day-- growing pains. It smells pretty bad, but I mask it with drakkar noir. Being a guy my age is tough. Between glee and football and school and being popular, I'm just kind of overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me, and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin, so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is last night I got vaporized on level two. Level two. And I didn't even have the energy to care.



Kurt Hummel: He's drooling.
Noah Puckerman: Dude, wake up.
Finn Hudson: Sure, yeah, that sounds good.
Noah Puckerman: I said we can't let those girls beat us.
Finn Hudson: Sorry. Sometimes when I'm thinking real hard, it helps to close my eyes.
Artie Abrams: We're doing a mash-up of "It's My Life" and usher's "Confessions."
Noah Puckerman: we should get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece.
Artie Abrams: Puck, with respect, You're more helpful when you don't contribute.
Noah Puckerman: Dude. What's wrong with you? Go see the nurse. Every day I say I have a headache. I sleep for three hours. I haven't attended a math class in two years.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work.



Rachel Berry: Okay, girls, we need to get started.
Santana Lopez: We're getting warmed up.
Rachel Berry: Where's Quinn?
Brittany S. Pierce: Probably down at the mall looking for elastic-waist pants.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. We can't get complacent.
Mercedes Jones: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We're gonna do a mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine."
Rachel Berry: That was my idea.
Mercedes Jones: Whatever. Come on. We can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes Are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it.
Rachel Berry: We can't just wing it.
Mercedes Jones: All those in favor of winging it? All those opposed? Looks like the ayes have it.



Terri Schuester: Hi. How can I help you?
Finn Hudson: Hey, Mrs. Shuester.
Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.
Finn Hudson: I'm Finn Hudson I'm in glee with your husband.
Terri Schuester: Oh, hi, Finn. Oh, wait a minute. Are you the one who's dating Quinn Fabray?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Why?
Terri Schuester: Oh, you have really good bone structure.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, um, I've been really tired lately, and I was wondering if I could lie down in here for a while.
Terri Schuester: Why don't you have a seat? Why don't you tell me a little bit about your sleep habits? What time do you go to bed?
Finn Hudson: Um, I don't know. Usually, after skinemax starts playing regular movies again. And I'm normally tired, but lately I can't just fall asleep. It's like my brain won't shut up.
Terri Schuester: Well, what are you thinking about? Oh, you can be honest with me. There's a code of silence in my office.
Finn Hudson: Okay, uh, football plays...
Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.
Finn Hudson: ...um, girls, Dance steps... Girls.
Terri Schuester: Girls? But you're dating Quinn fabray.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but... Do you think a guy can be into two girls at once?
Terri Schuester: No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy.
Finn Hudson: So can I take my nap now?
Terri Schuester: Do you want to sleep through your life, Finn?
Finn Hudson: No, but I read once that teenagers need more sleep than infants.
Terri Schuester: When I was in high school, I captained the cheerleading squad, I kept a perfect 4.0 GPA, I cultivated my popularity, and I maintained a loving relationship with the boy who would become my husband. Wow. I don't even know how I did that. Wait a minute. Yes, I do. Pseudo-ephedrine It's the stuff they put in decongestants to make them non-drowsy. It's kind of like a... Well, like a vitamin. I would pop two of these blue meanies every morning and then I would be a firecracker For the rest of the day.
Finn Hudson: Are they safe?
Terri Schuester: They're over- the-counter. They stock them next to the candy bars. Sweetie, I'm the school nurse. I know what I'm doing.



Finn Hudson: Hey, guys, how's it going? God, it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I can't wait to do the number. I'm ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let's get this joint jumping.
Artie Abrams: Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?
Finn Hudson: No, just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin. I feel fantastic. I can't wait to do the number. Let's do the number, and then afterwards, we can build a house for habitat for humanity.
Noah Puckerman: What kind of vitamin?
Kurt Hummel: Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion.
Finn Hudson: Vitamin D. and I got you guys some.



Finn Hudson: # this ain't a song for the brokenhearted #
# no silent prayer for the faith departed #
# and I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd #
# you're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud #
# it's my life #
# it's now or never #
# I ain't gonna live forever #
# I just want to live while I'm alive #
# it's my life #
New Directions: # these are my confessions #
Artie Abrams: # and just when I thought I said all I could say #
# my chick on the side said she got one on the way #
New Directions: # these are my confessions #
Artie Abrams: # if I'm gonna tell it, then I gotta tell it all #
# damn near cried when I got that phone call #
# I'm so thrown #
# I don't know what to do #
# but to give part two of my... #
Finn Hudson: # better stand tall when they're calling you out #
New Directions: # don't bend, don't break #
# baby, don't back down #
# these are my confessions #
Finn Hudson: # it's now or never #
# I ain't gonna live forever #
New Directions: # these are my confessions #
Finn Hudson: # I just want to live while I'm alive #
New Directions: # it's my life #
# just when I thought I said all I can say #
# my chick on the side said she got one on the way #
# these are my confessions #
Finn Hudson: # I just want to live while I'm alive #
New Directions: # it's my life. #
Will Schuester: Awesome, guys. Geez, I didn't know you had it in you. It's like somebody slipped something in your juice boxes. Whoo! You ladies better bring it tomorrow. Otherwise, We've got our opening number for sectionals! Okay!



Rachel Berry: Haven't seen you at glee rehearsals.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not superwoman. I know glee is your whole life, but I have the cheerios, I'm on honor roll, I have friends.
Rachel Berry: You don't have to be embarrassed. No one at glee is gonna judge you. Look, I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you.
Quinn Fabray: Why not? I've been awful to you.
Rachel Berry: That was before you knew what it felt like to be me; An outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate.
Quinn Fabray: How can you relate to what I'm going through?
Rachel Berry: You don't think people whisper about me In the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?
Quinn Fabray: That was me, Actually.
Rachel Berry: Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a couple of months, that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls. It's fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You're actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because You lack my years of training.
Quinn Fabray: I would have tortured you If the roles were reversed, you know?
Rachel Berry: I know.



Terri Schuester: Hi. It's Terri.
Howard Bamboo: Hi, Terri this is Howard bamboo.
Terri Schuester: Yeah, I know that, Howard Okay, you know how I'm moonlighting as a nurse? Well, I need a favor.
Howard Bamboo: O-okay.
Terri Schuester: Go to the drugstore and get me a couple of boxes of decongestant. I'm running low, and I want the children at McKinley to be healthy and happy.
Howard Bamboo: Uh, h-how many boxes?
Terri Schuester: Um... Thirty-six.
Ken Tanaka: Hey, Terri.
Terri Schuester: Oh, hi, Ken. What's up?
Ken Tanaka: Can we talk frank?
Terri Schuester: Uh...
Ken Tanaka: Listen... We have a problem. I think my girlfriend is in love with your husband. And I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling was mutual.
Terri Schuester: How long has this been going on?
Ken Tanaka: I don't know. A couple months. I see them together all the time laughing, talking... All the stuff she never does with me.
Terri Schuester: You know, I knew something was up. She couldn't keep her eyes off him at those acafella clown shows.
Ken Tanaka: Listen, has will ever mentioned it to you?
Terri Schuester: Oh, no, but he's too smart for that. I mean, just barely, but still. Oh, Ken, I got to be honest with you. I only took this job So that I could keep an eye on him. We've got to put a stop to this so that I can get out of here. See, I'm not built to work five days a week.
Ken Tanaka: Well, I've been thinking Maybe that if you and I started seeing each other on the side, It might kind of cancel their thing out.
Terri Schuester: Are you two still having sex? Because, you know, when that stops, something is up.
Ken Tanaka: We actually haven't, um... had sex yet. She doesn't like to be touched. By me.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Ken Tanaka: God, I love her so much.
Terri Schuester: Oh, uh... Okay. It's okay. There, there.
Ken Tanaka: Look at the two of us. You pregnant, and me with psoriasis.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Ken Tanaka: And one testicle that won't descend. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.
Terri Schuester: Okay, that's enough. You know what? You got to stop being such a baby. I cannot fix this unless you are willing to man up.
Ken Tanaka: Okay. I'm sorry.
Terri Schuester: Here's what you're going to do. You're going straight to the nearest department store to buy her an engagement ring. Then you're going to get down on one knee and you're going to ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you.
Ken Tanaka: No. I can't do that. What if she says no? It might kill me.
Terri Schuester: Take two of these. Then nothing can stop you.



Rachel Berry: I told you guys.
Santana Lopez: We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour.
Quinn Fabray: Were they really that good?
Rachel Berry: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals and once again, I will be humiliated.
Mercedes Jones: How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good.
Tina Cohen-Chang: How did they d-d-do it?
Kurt Hummel: The real question is, "what were they on?" Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers. We all took something.



Finn Hudson: My man, got next week's plays all worked out. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Schue, got that paper on bariloche, Argentina on your desk.
Will Schuester: But it's not due for two weeks.
Finn Hudson: Damn straight. I am in the zone.
Rachel Berry: Cheater.
Finn Hudson: I don't know what you're talking about.
Rachel Berry: You took performance enhancers before your mash-up. Kurt told me. It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's just plain wrong. It's also cheating. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start calling you f-rod.
Finn Hudson: Hey, hey, back off. I'm nothing like a-rod, okay? I'd never take steroids. They make your junk fall off. Listen, Rachel, you don't know what it's like for me, The kind of pressure I'm under.
Rachel Berry: Oh, we all have pressures, but you know how I deal with it? The natural way, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine. I'm up at 6:00 am every day. I have my protein shake with banana and flaxseedflax-seed I'm on the elliptical. You know how I motivate myself? Not with anything artificial. I set a goal and I won't rest until I reach it.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, well, that's personal pressure. If you don't meet your goal, you're the only one who loses. I have to be the quarterback, the male lead, and deal with a pregnant girlfriend who yells at me about ice cream, So, yeah, maybe I helped me and my teammates out a little bit, but it's only because I'm sick and tired of working so hard and still losing.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, but winning by cheating isn't winning.
Finn Hudson: Oh, don't give me that. The only reason you're so pissed about this Is 'cause you know you can't compete with us.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I am offended by that accusation. We haven't performed yet, but if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular.
Finn Hudson: Still isn't going to be as good. We're gonna win. You're gonna lose. Deal with it.



Terri Schuester: Everyone gets a dose. Oh, except for Quinn. You get folic acid. Mama. It's good for the baby. Get the lead out, Howard We have patients waiting.
Rachel Berry: Are you sure we should be doing this?
Terri Schuester: Oh, it's over-the- counter. It's safe. You can trust me. I'm a nurse. It's good for you.



Will Schuester: What's up with Ken?
Terri Schuester: Doesn't he have a healthy glow? I put him on a new vitamin regimen.
Will Schuester: Is that safe? I mean, you're not really a nurse, Terri.
Terri Schuester: Don't start criticizing my work, Will. Not when I'm just getting my sea legs. Isn't this nice? I mean, when is the last time we got to have lunch together on a weekday? Hmm. Oh, honey, you have a little mustard. Just...
Will Schuester: Geez, Terri This is my workplace.
Terri Schuester: I'm sorry, honey. It's just that my hormones are going really crazy for you.
Will Schuester: Hey, look, look. You being here is not good for our marriage.
Terri Schuester: Spending time together is not good for our marriage?
Will Schuester: Not every minute. There's no separation. I mean, we used to come home every night and talk about our day. Now we have nothing to say to each other.



Terri Schuester: A lot of ants on the sidewalk today.
Will Schuester: Pretty late in the season for that.



Terri Schuester: I think this is just forcing us to expand our intellectual horizons. Where are you going?
Will Schuester: The bathroom.
Terri Schuester: I'll come with you.
Will Schuester: No! I love you, but I need my space.
Terri Schuester: Mmm. Now's your chance, Ken.
Ken Tanaka: What, here? Now?
Emma Pillsbury: Hi, Emma hi, Ken. What are you doing?
Ken Tanaka: Look, Emma, I know our relationship hasn't been perfect-- you won't ride in my car, I can't touch you above the wrist. Remember, you cried for an hour that one time my elbow accidentally brushed by your breast? But I think about you all day long. I kiss that picture of us at the state fair every night Before I go to sleep.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. This isn't happening. This is a dream.
Ken Tanaka: Emma Pillsbury, this is not an engagement ring.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, thank goodness.
Ken Tanaka: No, I mean it is. But it's more than that. It's a promise. Look, Emma, I know you have this thing about being clean. Now, I can't promise to pick up my underwear or squeegee the shower door, but I can promise to keep your life clean of sadness and loneliness and any other dark clouds that might float into it. It's cubic zirconia. I know how affected you were by black diamond. Emma Pillsbury, Eminem... Will you marry me?



Rachel Berry: Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens, We have chosen a selection of songs that speaks To the nation as a whole during these troubling times Filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe. Because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism. Also angels. Okay.
# oh... #
# remember those walls I built? #
# well, baby, they're tumbling down #
# they didn't even put up a fight #
# they didn't even make a sound #
# it's like I've been awakened #
# every rule I had you breakin' #
# it's the risk that I'm takin' #
# I am never gonna shut you out #
New Directions: # everywhere I'm looking now #
# I'm surrounded by your embrace #
# baby, I can feel your halo #
# and don't it feel good #
# I can feel your halo #
# halo #
Mercedes Jones: # halo #
New Directions: # I can see your halo, halo #
Mercedes Jones: # halo #
New Directions: # I can see your halo #
Mercedes Jones: # halo #
New Directions: # I can see your halo #
# and don't it feel good #
# I used to think maybe you loved me #
# now, baby, I'm sure #
# and I just can't wait #
# till the day when you knock on my door #
# oh, now, now #
# I'm walking on sunshine #
# whoa #
# I'm walking on sunshine #
# whoa #
# and don't it feel good #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# all right now #
# oh... Hey #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# oh, yeah... #
# I can see your #
# I can feel your halo #
# hey #
# halo #
# halo #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# hey, halo #
# I can see your halo, halo #
Rachel Berry: # I can see your halo #
# halo. #
Will Schuester: Ladies, I-I don't even know what to say. You did such a good job. I don't know what you guys did, but whatever it was, keep doing it. Our celebrity judge has her work cut out for her. Hey, great job, guys. Okay! All right. Whoo! Ha! Hey, Emma, um... Can you walk with me?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.



Emma Pillsbury: I think your, uh... I think your plan worked.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Instilling a sense of good, clean competition in these kids, I think, um... I think you really motivated them.
Will Schuester: Well, actually, I consider you a co-conspirator. We came up with the idea together. So... Is it true about Ken asking to marry you?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Will Schuester: What are you going to do?
Emma Pillsbury: I don't know. Can you, um... Can you think of any other options I might have?
Will Schuester: Is... Is that a reason to marry someone?
Emma Pillsbury: That's not what I'm asking.



Terri Schuester: Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Terri. Um, how are you? What can I, uh... What can I... do for you?
Terri Schuester: I just wanted to cut to the chase. Things have been a little awkward since I started working here. I just wanted to clear the air.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh. That's, um... That's actually really nice. Why don't you just...
Terri Schuester: You have no chance with my husband. Do I make myself clear? Oh, you might think there's some kind of competition going on between you and i, but that's like saying That a nail is competing with a hammer.
Emma Pillsbury: Terri, Will is a good man.
Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.
Emma Pillsbury: He's kind and he's generous... And he deserves a lot better than you.
Terri Schuester: Emma, Will is my husband. Look at you. You are so superior because you're nice to a man that you see for an hour or two a day. You're just an innocent Little dove. Hmm? You're so innocent that you would steal a man away from his pregnant wife. Yeah. Do yourself a favor, honey. Marry Ken Tanaka. Oh, sure, he's dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities Is gonna open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases, but he's kind and he's generous. And he's available.



Quinn Fabray: Mrs. Schuester.
Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm?
Quinn Fabray: I need to talk to you... about the baby.
Terri Schuester: Is everything okay? Wait, you're not having it right now, are you?
Quinn Fabray: What? No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?
Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm.
Quinn Fabray: I've been thinking about your offer.
Terri Schuester: Yeah?
Quinn Fabray: I like my life. I like being a cheerleader. And I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I really like being in glee club. I have all of these great things in my life, and it already feels like too much. I can't raise a baby.
Terri Schuester: You know, honestly, I don't even know how you kids do it nowadays. I didn't have it this bad when I was your age. There weren't as many TV channels either, though. Is Finn okay with this? 'Cause, you know, I don't want any baby daddy drama When you hand it over to me.
Quinn Fabray: He's the reason I'm doing this. He's such a good guy, and he internalizes all this pressure. He's gonna have a heart attack. I never want Mr. Schuester to find out about this, though. I don't want to hurt him, either.
Terri Schuester: Well, your secret's safe with me. I have a lot more to lose.
Quinn Fabray: One more thing. You know how you gave me those vitamins for the baby?
Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm.
Quinn Fabray: I really appreciated that, but I'm gonna have all these doctor's bills, and I'm gonna need some new maternity clothes.
Terri Schuester: You want money from me?
Quinn Fabray: It's gonna be your baby.
Terri Schuester: Which means I'm gonna be paying the bills for 18 years. I think you can handle nine months. Look, you're making the right call here, Quinn. It's what's best for everybody.



Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Ken Tanaka: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, I can't... I can't stay long in this room because of the germs, you know, and because of the odor. But I have a question.
Ken Tanaka: Anything for you, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: So what would, um... What would getting married mean exactly? Because I would want to keep my last name. And I'd want to continue living in different parts of town, And, um, I think it would be best If we didn't see each other after school.
Ken Tanaka: Sure.
Emma Pillsbury: And I wouldn't want a big ceremony, you know, like in a church with people. We wouldn't have to invite anybody, you know, or tell anybody, actually. It could be more like a secret, you know, Like a secret marriage.
Ken Tanaka: That's actually a better deal than I expected.
Emma Pillsbury: You're a really good man, Ken. And I don't want to spend The rest of my life alone, and I know that you don't either.
Ken Tanaka: So... Is that a yes?



Finn Hudson: What's up, a-rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so energetic.
Rachel Berry: We were just taking a lesson from major league baseball. It's not cheating if everyone's doing it. We were just leveling out the playing field.
Finn Hudson: You really believe that?
Rachel Berry: No. I feel terrible. Even if we win, it's not gonna be satisfying.
Finn Hudson: I know. I don't even remember performing. What do you think we should do?
Rachel Berry: I think... the only way to make things right Is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win.
Finn Hudson: Cool.
Rachel Berry: I'm sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable.
Finn Hudson: Ah, that's all right. I didn't even know what those words meant.
Rachel Berry: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.



Will Schuester: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students?
Terri Schuester: I'll say it again. They're over-the-counter, FDA-approved. And if I didn't give it to them, I'm sure the kids Would just find a way to get it for themselves.
Will Schuester: No, no, they wouldn't. These are good kids.
Terri Schuester: Nothing bad happened.
Principal Figgins: Howard bamboo got arrested.
Terri Schuester: Well, that.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Principal Figgins: Pseudo-ephedrine is an ingredient In the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.
Terri Schuester: I never told Howard to get them all in one place.
Will Schuester: Okay, enough, Terri How are we supposed to raise a baby When I can't trust you to look after A group of teenagers? You are oblivious to consequences.
Terri Schuester: I was only trying to help you, Will.
Will Schuester: Don't! Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.
Principal Figgins: I have serious concerns About your judgment, Mrs. Schuester. I must ask you to resign as school nurse.
Terri Schuester: Fine. I was working too hard anyway.
Principal Figgins: Hold onto your horses, shue. I have to question your judgment in the matter as well.
Will Schuester: What? I had no idea this was even going on.
Principal Figgins: Exactly. The children rely on you to create the culture. And you, with your obsession with winning and-and competition, has fostered an unsafe environment. I'm bringing in someone else to co-chair the glee club. Someone with a track record of responsibility and excellence.



Finn Hudson: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.
Rachel Berry: We didn't mean to get you into trouble.
Will Schuester: I'm really disappointed in you guys. Glee is supposed to be about what's inside your heart, not what's coursing through your veins.
Rachel Berry: We know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say That we'd be happy to move forward and put this episode behind us.
Will Schuester: Well, it's not that simple. Because of this debacle, it's been decided That I'm no longer fit to run glee club myself. We've been assigned A co-director.
Rachel Berry: Who?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids. I got to tell you, I'm just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little, uh, showbiz cruise. Ah, I can't wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the ritz a little bit.



Emma Pillsbury: Will? I wanted you to, um, to hear this from me. You know Ken, um, asked me to marry him. I said yes.
Will Schuester: That's... That's great.


# ain't nothin' gonna break my stride #
# nobody gonna slow me down #
# oh, no, I got to keep on movin' #
# ain't nothin' gonna break a-my stride #
# I'm runnin' and I won't touch ground... #



Ian Brennan: Here's what happened last week.
Mercedes Jones: This is a hot damn mess.
Ian Brennan: Rachel and the glee club know that Quinn's pregnant, but they all think Finn's the father, when really it's Puck.
Finn Hudson: Oh!
Ian Brennan: Yikes! And Terri's only fake pregnant and wants Quinn to give her her baby so Will won't find out.
Will Schuester: How come you haven't had any morning sickness?
Ian Brennan: Oh, and also, Ken is dating Emma, but she's really got eyes for Mr. Schue. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: Five, six, seven, eight. Step, turn, Out, in, ball-change, step ball-change step. You, you, you, you. And ba-ba-ba. Turn... Come on, guys, you're sleepwalking on me here. Give me some energy. We've got sectionals in two...
Mercedes Jones: Please, sectionals is going to be a breeze.
Will Schuester: Maybe so. But if we coast through sectionals, We're gonna get killed at regionals. We have got to be on our game.
Kurt Hummel: Sorry. Funny youtube. It's the grape stomping one.



Will Schuester: The kids have gotten really complacent. It's like the fire has totally gone out.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, um, I'm sorry, you've just, uh... You've got a little Mustard in your cute Kirk Douglas chin dimple.
Will Schuester: Wha...? Huh? I get it?
Emma Pillsbury: Um... Here, let me. Hold on. There.
Will Schuester: Thanks.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, so... Uh, when did... when did this start to happen?
Will Schuester: A week ago.



Rachel Berry: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Will Schuester: Great news, guys. Just got the competition bracket for sectionals, and we are in really good shape. There's only two other teams. We beat them, we make it to regionals.
Rachel Berry: Uh, who are the other teams?
Will Schuester: Drum-roll please, Finn. School for the deaf in Dayton and someplace called Jane Addams academy.
Mercedes Jones: Jane Addams? That's a halfway house For girls just getting out of juvie.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Th-th-this is great.
Artie Abrams: People who can't hear what they're singing and criminals who don't care. It's gonna be a cakewalk. High fi...



Will Schuester: They think they've got it in the bag, so they've simply stopped trying. I've got to figure out some way to motivate them.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, well, you, um, you could... Oh, what about a sticker board? That's how my parents Got me to do chores when I was a kid. Right, so I'd do a chore and then I'd get a star, and then...
Sue Sylvester: Oh, dear god, please, please... Stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of our asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further. You know what this is? It's a list of my cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random and I kick them out.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, in glee club we do things a little bit differently.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, yeah, Will? How's that working out for you? You have to remember something. We're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly. So if you want results with a kid, You find that competitive animal within and unleash it. Okay. Ellen, that blouse is just insane.
Emma Pillsbury: I can't believe she's allowed to teach at this school.
Will Schuester: You know... she may have a point.



Will Schuester: Competition. Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better.
Kurt Hummel: I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.
Will Schuester: Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want to get through sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side. Let's go, come on. All right. Kurt. Here's the deal. Two teams-- boys versus girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash-up of your choice.
Noah Puckerman: What's a mash-up?
Will Schuester: A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression. Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay, costumes, choreography. Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for sectionals.
Rachel Berry: Wait, who's going to be the judge? Your gender makes you biased.
Will Schuester: Ah... There is going to be A celebrity judge.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh-who?
Will Schuester: Oh, you're going to have to show up to find out.
Mercedes Jones: We got this in the bag.
Rachel Berry: Totally. I'm going to start story-boarding our choreography tonight.
Will Schuester: Hey, I hope you guys are up for this competition. The girls look pretty pumped.
Artie Abrams: We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, you all right? You seem a little out of it.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm just a little worn out.
Noah Puckerman: come on, dude. We're late for football practice.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn when I tried making a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at cheerios practice-- disaster. It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg: a quiver. That quiver will lose us nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.



Sue Sylvester: Feeling all right, Quinn?
Quinn Fabray: I'm just really tired from glee club.



Sue Sylvester: Glee club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating, mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything only to be shanghaied by the the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's will schuester. What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? The store-bought home perm? You know, Journal, I noticed something yesterday.
Emma Pillsbury: ...chin dimple.
Sue Sylvester: Of course, it's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I'll just have to destroy the man.



Sue Sylvester: Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa In a hickory farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you.
Terri Schuester: What?! With who?
Sue Sylvester: Guidance counselor. Real floozy and a man-eater. Wears creepy brooches like the kind my nana was buried in. More tea.
Terri Schuester: Oh, sorry.
Sue Sylvester: It's the same old song. Wife puts on a couple extra pounds...
Terri Schuester: Oh, I'm pregnant.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, that's no excuse. I've always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me-- never wanted kids. Don't have the time, don't have the uterus.
Terri Schuester: Are you sure about this?
Sue Sylvester: A woman always knows. Let me put it to you this way-- If it's not a full-blown affair, Well, it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through The haze of lust that surrounds them.
Terri Schuester: Oh, god, what am I going to do?!
Sue Sylvester: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.
Terri Schuester: Now you're absolutely sure about this? I mean, you have proof?
Sue Sylvester: Get into that school and sniff out those sex pheromones for yourself. We happen to have an opening. Our school nurse, Mrs. Lancaster, is in a coma. Oh, she took a terrible tumble down the stairwell yesterday.
Terri Schuester: But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets n' Things.
Sue Sylvester: I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the panama canal zone. But I managed to get a passport. I've run for office twice. My advice to you, if you want to keep your husband... get creative.



Principal Figgins: Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest in the nursing position. But your previous experience is limited to folding hand towels.
Terri Schuester: As assistant manager at Sheets n' Things, I've had first aid training. Mm-hmm. I've also used a defibrillator.
Principal Figgins: Hmm.



Emma Pillsbury: So what did you want to talk to me about?
Will Schuester: Oh, good news. I figured out a way to get the kids motivated. They're going to compete against each other In a glee-off.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh.
Will Schuester: And guess who the celebrity judge is going to be? You.
Emma Pillsbury: Me?
Will Schuester: You are the most honest and impartial person I know.
Terri Schuester: Well, isn't this a surprise.
Will Schuester: Terri, wh-what are you doing here?
Terri Schuester: Hi. I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Terri schuester, will's pregnant wife.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Terri Schuester: Oh, honey, Someone got a little lipstick on your cup.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no. Oh.
Terri Schuester: I got it.
Will Schuester: Um, is everything okay, Terri? You-you never visit me at work.
Terri Schuester: Oh, I'm not visiting. No. You've been so stressed about our finances lately, that I thought I would pitch in by getting a second job. I'm the new school nurse.
Will Schuester: But you're not a nurse. You don't have any training.
Terri Schuester: Oh, please, Will. It's a public school. Isn't this going to be great? This means I am gonna be around all the time now.



Ken Tanaka: Know your routes. Now that is the key to this play, gentlemen. The receivers run the fly route down-field and then block as the play develops, okay? Know your assignments. It's not...
Finn Hudson: I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time. I can't keep my eyes open.
Ken Tanaka: That's your only job is to know your assignments.



Will Schuester: No sharps and no flats.
Finn Hudson: I know how lucky I am. Captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She's hot, popular, and she's carrying my baby and all, but I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out in a swim-fan kind of way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking... If you're not into boobs. My body's a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day, and I have to rub bio-freeze on my shins a couple times a day-- growing pains. It smells pretty bad, but I mask it with drakkar noir. Being a guy my age is tough. Between glee and football and school and being popular, I'm just kind of overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me, and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin, so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is last night I got vaporized on level two. Level two. And I didn't even have the energy to care.



Kurt Hummel: He's drooling.
Noah Puckerman: Dude, wake up.
Finn Hudson: Sure, yeah, that sounds good.
Noah Puckerman: I said we can't let those girls beat us.
Finn Hudson: Sorry. Sometimes when I'm thinking real hard, it helps to close my eyes.
Artie Abrams: We're doing a mash-up of "It's My Life" and usher's "Confessions."
Noah Puckerman: we should get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece.
Artie Abrams: Puck, with respect, You're more helpful when you don't contribute.
Noah Puckerman: Dude. What's wrong with you? Go see the nurse. Every day I say I have a headache. I sleep for three hours. I haven't attended a math class in two years.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work.



Rachel Berry: Okay, girls, we need to get started.
Santana Lopez: We're getting warmed up.
Rachel Berry: Where's Quinn?
Brittany S. Pierce: Probably down at the mall looking for elastic-waist pants.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. We can't get complacent.
Mercedes Jones: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We're gonna do a mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine."
Rachel Berry: That was my idea.
Mercedes Jones: Whatever. Come on. We can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes Are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it.
Rachel Berry: We can't just wing it.
Mercedes Jones: All those in favor of winging it? All those opposed? Looks like the ayes have it.



Terri Schuester: Hi. How can I help you?
Finn Hudson: Hey, Mrs. Shuester.
Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.
Finn Hudson: I'm Finn Hudson I'm in glee with your husband.
Terri Schuester: Oh, hi, Finn. Oh, wait a minute. Are you the one who's dating Quinn Fabray?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Why?
Terri Schuester: Oh, you have really good bone structure.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, um, I've been really tired lately, and I was wondering if I could lie down in here for a while.
Terri Schuester: Why don't you have a seat? Why don't you tell me a little bit about your sleep habits? What time do you go to bed?
Finn Hudson: Um, I don't know. Usually, after skinemax starts playing regular movies again. And I'm normally tired, but lately I can't just fall asleep. It's like my brain won't shut up.
Terri Schuester: Well, what are you thinking about? Oh, you can be honest with me. There's a code of silence in my office.
Finn Hudson: Okay, uh, football plays...
Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.
Finn Hudson: ...um, girls, Dance steps... Girls.
Terri Schuester: Girls? But you're dating Quinn fabray.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but... Do you think a guy can be into two girls at once?
Terri Schuester: No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy.
Finn Hudson: So can I take my nap now?
Terri Schuester: Do you want to sleep through your life, Finn?
Finn Hudson: No, but I read once that teenagers need more sleep than infants.
Terri Schuester: When I was in high school, I captained the cheerleading squad, I kept a perfect 4.0 GPA, I cultivated my popularity, and I maintained a loving relationship with the boy who would become my husband. Wow. I don't even know how I did that. Wait a minute. Yes, I do. Pseudo-ephedrine It's the stuff they put in decongestants to make them non-drowsy. It's kind of like a... Well, like a vitamin. I would pop two of these blue meanies every morning and then I would be a firecracker For the rest of the day.
Finn Hudson: Are they safe?
Terri Schuester: They're over- the-counter. They stock them next to the candy bars. Sweetie, I'm the school nurse. I know what I'm doing.



Finn Hudson: Hey, guys, how's it going? God, it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I can't wait to do the number. I'm ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let's get this joint jumping.
Artie Abrams: Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?
Finn Hudson: No, just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin. I feel fantastic. I can't wait to do the number. Let's do the number, and then afterwards, we can build a house for habitat for humanity.
Noah Puckerman: What kind of vitamin?
Kurt Hummel: Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion.
Finn Hudson: Vitamin D. and I got you guys some.



Finn Hudson: # this ain't a song for the brokenhearted #
# no silent prayer for the faith departed #
# and I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd #
# you're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud #
# it's my life #
# it's now or never #
# I ain't gonna live forever #
# I just want to live while I'm alive #
# it's my life #
New Directions: # these are my confessions #
Artie Abrams: # and just when I thought I said all I could say #
# my chick on the side said she got one on the way #
New Directions: # these are my confessions #
Artie Abrams: # if I'm gonna tell it, then I gotta tell it all #
# damn near cried when I got that phone call #
# I'm so thrown #
# I don't know what to do #
# but to give part two of my... #
Finn Hudson: # better stand tall when they're calling you out #
New Directions: # don't bend, don't break #
# baby, don't back down #
# these are my confessions #
Finn Hudson: # it's now or never #
# I ain't gonna live forever #
New Directions: # these are my confessions #
Finn Hudson: # I just want to live while I'm alive #
New Directions: # it's my life #
# just when I thought I said all I can say #
# my chick on the side said she got one on the way #
# these are my confessions #
Finn Hudson: # I just want to live while I'm alive #
New Directions: # it's my life. #
Will Schuester: Awesome, guys. Geez, I didn't know you had it in you. It's like somebody slipped something in your juice boxes. Whoo! You ladies better bring it tomorrow. Otherwise, We've got our opening number for sectionals! Okay!



Rachel Berry: Haven't seen you at glee rehearsals.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not superwoman. I know glee is your whole life, but I have the cheerios, I'm on honor roll, I have friends.
Rachel Berry: You don't have to be embarrassed. No one at glee is gonna judge you. Look, I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you.
Quinn Fabray: Why not? I've been awful to you.
Rachel Berry: That was before you knew what it felt like to be me; An outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate.
Quinn Fabray: How can you relate to what I'm going through?
Rachel Berry: You don't think people whisper about me In the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?
Quinn Fabray: That was me, Actually.
Rachel Berry: Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a couple of months, that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls. It's fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You're actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because You lack my years of training.
Quinn Fabray: I would have tortured you If the roles were reversed, you know?
Rachel Berry: I know.



Terri Schuester: Hi. It's Terri.
Howard Bamboo: Hi, Terri this is Howard bamboo.
Terri Schuester: Yeah, I know that, Howard Okay, you know how I'm moonlighting as a nurse? Well, I need a favor.
Howard Bamboo: O-okay.
Terri Schuester: Go to the drugstore and get me a couple of boxes of decongestant. I'm running low, and I want the children at McKinley to be healthy and happy.
Howard Bamboo: Uh, h-how many boxes?
Terri Schuester: Um... Thirty-six.
Ken Tanaka: Hey, Terri.
Terri Schuester: Oh, hi, Ken. What's up?
Ken Tanaka: Can we talk frank?
Terri Schuester: Uh...
Ken Tanaka: Listen... We have a problem. I think my girlfriend is in love with your husband. And I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling was mutual.
Terri Schuester: How long has this been going on?
Ken Tanaka: I don't know. A couple months. I see them together all the time laughing, talking... All the stuff she never does with me.
Terri Schuester: You know, I knew something was up. She couldn't keep her eyes off him at those acafella clown shows.
Ken Tanaka: Listen, has will ever mentioned it to you?
Terri Schuester: Oh, no, but he's too smart for that. I mean, just barely, but still. Oh, Ken, I got to be honest with you. I only took this job So that I could keep an eye on him. We've got to put a stop to this so that I can get out of here. See, I'm not built to work five days a week.
Ken Tanaka: Well, I've been thinking Maybe that if you and I started seeing each other on the side, It might kind of cancel their thing out.
Terri Schuester: Are you two still having sex? Because, you know, when that stops, something is up.
Ken Tanaka: We actually haven't, um... had sex yet. She doesn't like to be touched. By me.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Ken Tanaka: God, I love her so much.
Terri Schuester: Oh, uh... Okay. It's okay. There, there.
Ken Tanaka: Look at the two of us. You pregnant, and me with psoriasis.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Ken Tanaka: And one testicle that won't descend. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.
Terri Schuester: Okay, that's enough. You know what? You got to stop being such a baby. I cannot fix this unless you are willing to man up.
Ken Tanaka: Okay. I'm sorry.
Terri Schuester: Here's what you're going to do. You're going straight to the nearest department store to buy her an engagement ring. Then you're going to get down on one knee and you're going to ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you.
Ken Tanaka: No. I can't do that. What if she says no? It might kill me.
Terri Schuester: Take two of these. Then nothing can stop you.



Rachel Berry: I told you guys.
Santana Lopez: We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour.
Quinn Fabray: Were they really that good?
Rachel Berry: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals and once again, I will be humiliated.
Mercedes Jones: How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good.
Tina Cohen-Chang: How did they d-d-do it?
Kurt Hummel: The real question is, "what were they on?" Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers. We all took something.



Finn Hudson: My man, got next week's plays all worked out. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Schue, got that paper on bariloche, Argentina on your desk.
Will Schuester: But it's not due for two weeks.
Finn Hudson: Damn straight. I am in the zone.
Rachel Berry: Cheater.
Finn Hudson: I don't know what you're talking about.
Rachel Berry: You took performance enhancers before your mash-up. Kurt told me. It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's just plain wrong. It's also cheating. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start calling you f-rod.
Finn Hudson: Hey, hey, back off. I'm nothing like a-rod, okay? I'd never take steroids. They make your junk fall off. Listen, Rachel, you don't know what it's like for me, The kind of pressure I'm under.
Rachel Berry: Oh, we all have pressures, but you know how I deal with it? The natural way, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine. I'm up at 6:00 am every day. I have my protein shake with banana and flaxseedflax-seed I'm on the elliptical. You know how I motivate myself? Not with anything artificial. I set a goal and I won't rest until I reach it.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, well, that's personal pressure. If you don't meet your goal, you're the only one who loses. I have to be the quarterback, the male lead, and deal with a pregnant girlfriend who yells at me about ice cream, So, yeah, maybe I helped me and my teammates out a little bit, but it's only because I'm sick and tired of working so hard and still losing.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, but winning by cheating isn't winning.
Finn Hudson: Oh, don't give me that. The only reason you're so pissed about this Is 'cause you know you can't compete with us.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I am offended by that accusation. We haven't performed yet, but if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular.
Finn Hudson: Still isn't going to be as good. We're gonna win. You're gonna lose. Deal with it.



Terri Schuester: Everyone gets a dose. Oh, except for Quinn. You get folic acid. Mama. It's good for the baby. Get the lead out, Howard We have patients waiting.
Rachel Berry: Are you sure we should be doing this?
Terri Schuester: Oh, it's over-the- counter. It's safe. You can trust me. I'm a nurse. It's good for you.



Will Schuester: What's up with Ken?
Terri Schuester: Doesn't he have a healthy glow? I put him on a new vitamin regimen.
Will Schuester: Is that safe? I mean, you're not really a nurse, Terri.
Terri Schuester: Don't start criticizing my work, Will. Not when I'm just getting my sea legs. Isn't this nice? I mean, when is the last time we got to have lunch together on a weekday? Hmm. Oh, honey, you have a little mustard. Just...
Will Schuester: Geez, Terri This is my workplace.
Terri Schuester: I'm sorry, honey. It's just that my hormones are going really crazy for you.
Will Schuester: Hey, look, look. You being here is not good for our marriage.
Terri Schuester: Spending time together is not good for our marriage?
Will Schuester: Not every minute. There's no separation. I mean, we used to come home every night and talk about our day. Now we have nothing to say to each other.



Terri Schuester: A lot of ants on the sidewalk today.
Will Schuester: Pretty late in the season for that.



Terri Schuester: I think this is just forcing us to expand our intellectual horizons. Where are you going?
Will Schuester: The bathroom.
Terri Schuester: I'll come with you.
Will Schuester: No! I love you, but I need my space.
Terri Schuester: Mmm. Now's your chance, Ken.
Ken Tanaka: What, here? Now?
Emma Pillsbury: Hi, Emma hi, Ken. What are you doing?
Ken Tanaka: Look, Emma, I know our relationship hasn't been perfect-- you won't ride in my car, I can't touch you above the wrist. Remember, you cried for an hour that one time my elbow accidentally brushed by your breast? But I think about you all day long. I kiss that picture of us at the state fair every night Before I go to sleep.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. This isn't happening. This is a dream.
Ken Tanaka: Emma Pillsbury, this is not an engagement ring.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, thank goodness.
Ken Tanaka: No, I mean it is. But it's more than that. It's a promise. Look, Emma, I know you have this thing about being clean. Now, I can't promise to pick up my underwear or squeegee the shower door, but I can promise to keep your life clean of sadness and loneliness and any other dark clouds that might float into it. It's cubic zirconia. I know how affected you were by black diamond. Emma Pillsbury, Eminem... Will you marry me?



Rachel Berry: Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens, We have chosen a selection of songs that speaks To the nation as a whole during these troubling times Filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe. Because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism. Also angels. Okay.
# oh... #
# remember those walls I built? #
# well, baby, they're tumbling down #
# they didn't even put up a fight #
# they didn't even make a sound #
# it's like I've been awakened #
# every rule I had you breakin' #
# it's the risk that I'm takin' #
# I am never gonna shut you out #
New Directions: # everywhere I'm looking now #
# I'm surrounded by your embrace #
# baby, I can feel your halo #
# and don't it feel good #
# I can feel your halo #
# halo #
Mercedes Jones: # halo #
New Directions: # I can see your halo, halo #
Mercedes Jones: # halo #
New Directions: # I can see your halo #
Mercedes Jones: # halo #
New Directions: # I can see your halo #
# and don't it feel good #
# I used to think maybe you loved me #
# now, baby, I'm sure #
# and I just can't wait #
# till the day when you knock on my door #
# oh, now, now #
# I'm walking on sunshine #
# whoa #
# I'm walking on sunshine #
# whoa #
# and don't it feel good #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# all right now #
# oh... Hey #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# oh, yeah... #
# I can see your #
# I can feel your halo #
# hey #
# halo #
# halo #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# hey, halo #
# I can see your halo, halo #
Rachel Berry: # I can see your halo #
# halo. #
Will Schuester: Ladies, I-I don't even know what to say. You did such a good job. I don't know what you guys did, but whatever it was, keep doing it. Our celebrity judge has her work cut out for her. Hey, great job, guys. Okay! All right. Whoo! Ha! Hey, Emma, um... Can you walk with me?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.



Emma Pillsbury: I think your, uh... I think your plan worked.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Instilling a sense of good, clean competition in these kids, I think, um... I think you really motivated them.
Will Schuester: Well, actually, I consider you a co-conspirator. We came up with the idea together. So... Is it true about Ken asking to marry you?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Will Schuester: What are you going to do?
Emma Pillsbury: I don't know. Can you, um... Can you think of any other options I might have?
Will Schuester: Is... Is that a reason to marry someone?
Emma Pillsbury: That's not what I'm asking.



Terri Schuester: Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Terri. Um, how are you? What can I, uh... What can I... do for you?
Terri Schuester: I just wanted to cut to the chase. Things have been a little awkward since I started working here. I just wanted to clear the air.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh. That's, um... That's actually really nice. Why don't you just...
Terri Schuester: You have no chance with my husband. Do I make myself clear? Oh, you might think there's some kind of competition going on between you and i, but that's like saying That a nail is competing with a hammer.
Emma Pillsbury: Terri, Will is a good man.
Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.
Emma Pillsbury: He's kind and he's generous... And he deserves a lot better than you.
Terri Schuester: Emma, Will is my husband. Look at you. You are so superior because you're nice to a man that you see for an hour or two a day. You're just an innocent Little dove. Hmm? You're so innocent that you would steal a man away from his pregnant wife. Yeah. Do yourself a favor, honey. Marry Ken Tanaka. Oh, sure, he's dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities Is gonna open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases, but he's kind and he's generous. And he's available.



Quinn Fabray: Mrs. Schuester.
Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm?
Quinn Fabray: I need to talk to you... about the baby.
Terri Schuester: Is everything okay? Wait, you're not having it right now, are you?
Quinn Fabray: What? No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?
Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm.
Quinn Fabray: I've been thinking about your offer.
Terri Schuester: Yeah?
Quinn Fabray: I like my life. I like being a cheerleader. And I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I really like being in glee club. I have all of these great things in my life, and it already feels like too much. I can't raise a baby.
Terri Schuester: You know, honestly, I don't even know how you kids do it nowadays. I didn't have it this bad when I was your age. There weren't as many TV channels either, though. Is Finn okay with this? 'Cause, you know, I don't want any baby daddy drama When you hand it over to me.
Quinn Fabray: He's the reason I'm doing this. He's such a good guy, and he internalizes all this pressure. He's gonna have a heart attack. I never want Mr. Schuester to find out about this, though. I don't want to hurt him, either.
Terri Schuester: Well, your secret's safe with me. I have a lot more to lose.
Quinn Fabray: One more thing. You know how you gave me those vitamins for the baby?
Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm.
Quinn Fabray: I really appreciated that, but I'm gonna have all these doctor's bills, and I'm gonna need some new maternity clothes.
Terri Schuester: You want money from me?
Quinn Fabray: It's gonna be your baby.
Terri Schuester: Which means I'm gonna be paying the bills for 18 years. I think you can handle nine months. Look, you're making the right call here, Quinn. It's what's best for everybody.



Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Ken Tanaka: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, I can't... I can't stay long in this room because of the germs, you know, and because of the odor. But I have a question.
Ken Tanaka: Anything for you, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: So what would, um... What would getting married mean exactly? Because I would want to keep my last name. And I'd want to continue living in different parts of town, And, um, I think it would be best If we didn't see each other after school.
Ken Tanaka: Sure.
Emma Pillsbury: And I wouldn't want a big ceremony, you know, like in a church with people. We wouldn't have to invite anybody, you know, or tell anybody, actually. It could be more like a secret, you know, Like a secret marriage.
Ken Tanaka: That's actually a better deal than I expected.
Emma Pillsbury: You're a really good man, Ken. And I don't want to spend The rest of my life alone, and I know that you don't either.
Ken Tanaka: So... Is that a yes?



Finn Hudson: What's up, a-rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so energetic.
Rachel Berry: We were just taking a lesson from major league baseball. It's not cheating if everyone's doing it. We were just leveling out the playing field.
Finn Hudson: You really believe that?
Rachel Berry: No. I feel terrible. Even if we win, it's not gonna be satisfying.
Finn Hudson: I know. I don't even remember performing. What do you think we should do?
Rachel Berry: I think... the only way to make things right Is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win.
Finn Hudson: Cool.
Rachel Berry: I'm sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable.
Finn Hudson: Ah, that's all right. I didn't even know what those words meant.
Rachel Berry: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.



Will Schuester: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students?
Terri Schuester: I'll say it again. They're over-the-counter, FDA-approved. And if I didn't give it to them, I'm sure the kids Would just find a way to get it for themselves.
Will Schuester: No, no, they wouldn't. These are good kids.
Terri Schuester: Nothing bad happened.
Principal Figgins: Howard bamboo got arrested.
Terri Schuester: Well, that.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Principal Figgins: Pseudo-ephedrine is an ingredient In the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.
Terri Schuester: I never told Howard to get them all in one place.
Will Schuester: Okay, enough, Terri How are we supposed to raise a baby When I can't trust you to look after A group of teenagers? You are oblivious to consequences.
Terri Schuester: I was only trying to help you, Will.
Will Schuester: Don't! Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.
Principal Figgins: I have serious concerns About your judgment, Mrs. Schuester. I must ask you to resign as school nurse.
Terri Schuester: Fine. I was working too hard anyway.
Principal Figgins: Hold onto your horses, shue. I have to question your judgment in the matter as well.
Will Schuester: What? I had no idea this was even going on.
Principal Figgins: Exactly. The children rely on you to create the culture. And you, with your obsession with winning and-and competition, has fostered an unsafe environment. I'm bringing in someone else to co-chair the glee club. Someone with a track record of responsibility and excellence.



Finn Hudson: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.
Rachel Berry: We didn't mean to get you into trouble.
Will Schuester: I'm really disappointed in you guys. Glee is supposed to be about what's inside your heart, not what's coursing through your veins.
Rachel Berry: We know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say That we'd be happy to move forward and put this episode behind us.
Will Schuester: Well, it's not that simple. Because of this debacle, it's been decided That I'm no longer fit to run glee club myself. We've been assigned A co-director.
Rachel Berry: Who?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids. I got to tell you, I'm just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little, uh, showbiz cruise. Ah, I can't wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the ritz a little bit.



Emma Pillsbury: Will? I wanted you to, um, to hear this from me. You know Ken, um, asked me to marry him. I said yes.
Will Schuester: That's... That's great.


# ain't nothin' gonna break my stride #
# nobody gonna slow me down #
# oh, no, I got to keep on movin' #
# ain't nothin' gonna break a-my stride #
# I'm runnin' and I won't touch ground... #

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記載日

 2011年12月22日

更新日

 2011年12月30日