Glee - Season 2 Episodes 8-12

208. Furt

放送日:2010年11月23日


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt's still getting harassed and doesn't know what to do about it.
Dave Karofsky: I am gonna kill you.
Ian Brennan: Finn and Kurt got mad at each other, because Kurt had a crush on Finn, and then Finn called him a nasty name, but it also wasn't cool that Kurt couldn't take a hint, and their parents are dating, so it's a little awkward. Sam and Quinn are sort of dating, and Sue sort of dated Rod Remington.
Sue Sylvester: You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.
Ian Brennan: But then she caught him cheating, so she's back on the market, and that's what you missed on Glee.



Finn Hudson: Oh. What's going on? Is this one of those interventions, 'cause...?
Kurt Hummel: If it is, it's for the both of us. They bombarded me and forced me to bring them to you.
Burt Hummel: Okay, come on, tell 'em.
Carole Hudson: No, no, no, you.
Burt Hummel: Come on.
Carole Hudson: No.
Burt Hummel: We said in the car.
Carole Hudson: Come on, you, you.
Burt Hummel: Come on, you.
Carole Hudson: Please!
Burt Hummel: All right, so you know how I drive Carole to work every Tuesday? Well, today I drove here, and we snuck into that classroom where Kurt introduced us... very romantic of me, I might add... And I...
Carole Hudson: He proposed! He proposed!
Burt Hummel: You stole the punch line! Come on!
Finn Hudson: Wow. This just happened?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Dad! Oh!
Carole Hudson: We wanted the two of you to be the first to know.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, after the kids in that homeroom. Come on, family hug, huh?
Kurt Hummel: Okay.
Burt Hummel: Come on!
Carole Hudson: I'm so excited and-and nervous!
Kurt Hummel: Oh, don't be, don't be.
Carole Hudson: Well, no. Okay.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, this is just what I needed. I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I'm thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn. Fall wedding colors. Autumnal.
Burt Hummel: Nothing too extravagant, Kurt, okay? We're gonna use whatever savings we have. We are spending it on the honeymoon. That's right. We're going to Waikiki. We're gonna go to the hotel where they put up the guest stars on Lost.
Carole Hudson: Finn, you-you haven't said anything.
Finn Hudson: Uh, I'm... I guess I'm just kind of stunned.
Burt Hummel: Hey, don't worry. I'm already looking for a bigger house. One where everybody's gonna get their own rooms. All right?
Carole Hudson: Come on, honey. Be happy for me.
Finn Hudson: I am, Mom.
Burt Hummel: All right, now listen, Kurt, Mr. Wedding Planner, I want you to take care of one thing. I don't care about the food or the booze at this party, but I want one heck of a band. I've been eating right. I've been exercising. And I want to boogie with Carole at this wedding. And I will boogie.
Kurt Hummel: All right. It's already taken care of, Dad. I'm going to hire the New Directions as your band. Right? It won't cost you a cent. They're cheap, they're available. Long story short... you're having a Glee wedding.



Sue Sylvester: Today is a red-letter day. The big day has finally arrived for one Sue Sylvester. Becky, get in here! Get these invites down to the post office, stat.
Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: And to think that this joyous occasion began in horror.



Sue Sylvester: ... which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy. So shine on, urban campers! You smell like adventure! And that's how Sue sees it.
Rod Remington: Sue, you're the bee's knees. Before we break, I'd like to make an announcement.
Andrea Carmichael: Rod and I are engaged.
Rod Remington: I popped the question in my building's common-use hot tub. Booyah. Not to worry, ladies. It's an open marriage. We'll be right back.
Sue Sylvester: How dare you humiliate me like that! People know you and I dated.
Rod Remington: Sue, you can't tame the tiger. You've read my tattoos.
Andrea Carmichael: Face it, Sue. You're never going to find someone, and you're going to die alone.



Sue Sylvester: So I decided to try online dating. And there was only one match for Sue Sylvester. One Sue Sylvester. So thanks, eDesperate. I'm over the moon. Or maybe I'm a little high off this adhesive, but I want to scream from the highest mountain, "Sue Sylvester is marrying herself."



Finn Hudson: Hey, is that safe? With your shoulder messed up and all?
Sam Evans: Doesn't feel messed up to me. Now that I'm healthy, I'm going to be gunning to get my job back.
Finn Hudson: Well, Coach Beiste isn't going to replace me while we're winning.
Sam Evans: You can't win every game. Look, I still want to be friends. It's just, I'm kind of on the cusp of being one of the most popular guys in school.
Finn Hudson: Wow. I, uh... I didn't think you were the type that cared about that stuff.
Sam Evans: Everyone does. Being on top means you don't have to take crap from anybody. No teasing, no Slushee facials.
Finn Hudson: Being quarterback isn't going to put you on top, especially since you can't even get Quinn to be your girlfriend.
Sam Evans: I'm working on that, too.



Quinn Fabray: So, what do you want to talk about in private?
Sam Evans: These galactic mobiles aren't the stars of McKinley. We are. Or at least, I want us to be.
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
Sam Evans: I think I love you. Look, my shoulder's healed, I'm going to be the quarterback again soon. And you're already the head cheerleader.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, my God, are you proposing? We've known each other for six weeks. Stand up. You're freaking me out.
Sam Evans: I want to marry you... some day. Until then, will you accept this promise ring?
Quinn Fabray: What are you, six?
Sam Evans: If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy moved around. I promise to make you feel proud when you point down the hall and say, "That dude's my boyfriend." And I promise to do all of those things without ever trying to sound like Matthew McConaughey. I really care about you, Quinn. And I want us to be together. Is that a no?
Quinn Fabray: It's a maybe.



Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so I've been reviewing this itinerary, and I don't really get it. Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get kind of messy?
Kurt Hummel: That's why we feed them glitter, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Well, look, I've been thinking about it. I really want to do something special for the wedding, and I wanted to take this opportunity to sort of remind everyone that I'm, you know, a leader.
Kurt Hummel: I have the perfect idea. After you walk your mom down the aisle, and give her away to my dad...
Finn Hudson: Incredibly creepy.
Kurt Hummel: ... and give your speech to the newlyweds... which I will write, although you are free to suggest overall themes... you and Carole will have a lovely mother-and-son dance in front of everyone.
Finn Hudson: Ah, that's a terrible idea. Everybody knows I'm the worst dancer.
Kurt Hummel: Finn, trust me on this. I've been planning weddings since I was two. My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac.
Finn Hudson: I guess if I could pull it off, it would make me seem like a cool stud.
Kurt Hummel: Totally.
Finn Hudson: Thanks. It's a plan.
Kurt Hummel: I don't want you near me.
Dave Karofsky: Can I have this? Thanks.
Will Schuester: Are you okay?
Kurt Hummel: No. No.
Will Schuester: Okay, let's go to the principal, come on.



Sue Sylvester: Did he physically hurt you?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Will Schuester: You said he's shoved you into the lockers before.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I can't expel a kid for shoving. He'll just say, "I didn't mean to shove that kid, I tripped!" Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.
Kurt Hummel: He didn't shove me this time. He just... terrified me.
Sue Sylvester: Lady, I can't suspend a student because he scares you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. It's rough. People can be mean.
Will Schuester: That's your advice? That's all you have to say?
Sue Sylvester: William, I was bullied my entire life. I grew up with a handicapable sister. I know very well how cruel people can be. Was it difficult? Yes. Did it make me stronger? You bet it did.
Kurt Hummel: It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming, I can't concentrate, I don't feel like I'm part of this school at all. I feel like I'm in a horror movie where this creature follows me around terrifying me, and there's nothing that I can do about it? I mean, you... You don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of.
Will Schuester: What does that mean?
Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting.
Sue Sylvester: Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me, and I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your delivery order. Okay? But until that happens, and I'm genuinely sorry to say this, there is nothing legally I or the school board can do.
Will Schuester: Come on, Kurt. We're gonna be late for rehearsal.
Kurt Hummel: You know, when you call me lady... that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames... Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me-Doughface.
Kurt Hummel: I guess I'll go with Porcelain.
Sue Sylvester: Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me-Doughface.



Rachel Berry: Ladies, the Kurt-Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable, he's losing weight... and not in a good way. And he's barely even fighting me for solos anymore.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We've all been teased, but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse.
Rachel Berry: We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say, we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, first off all, I'm not dating Sam. And second of all, I think you personally just set the feminist movement back 50 years.
Rachel Berry: But guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.
Quinn Fabray: So we're going to fight violence with violence?
Rachel Berry: No! Look, I'm not saying that they should hit him. What I'm saying is that we need to defend Kurt, and there's strength in numbers.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?
Brittany S. Pierce: Deal with it. When you guys fooled around, did he ever, like, just lie there?
Santana Lopez: Why didn't you tell me that we were having a Glee girls meeting?
Rachel Berry: This is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt.
Santana Lopez: Okay, I'm dating Puckerman.
Quinn Fabray: You're getting naked with Puckerman.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Besides, Puck can't mess with Karofsky; He's on probation. If he gets in a fight with him, he'll be sent back to juvee.
Rachel Berry: Mm-hmm. Yeah, so now if you'll excuse us.
Santana Lopez: You're so on my list, dwarf.
Rachel Berry: Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves.



Marsha Dean: I'm a little confused.
Sue Sylvester: I said not only am I marrying myself, I will be officiating the ceremony.
Marsha Dean: I'm not, um...
Sue Sylvester: Marsha Dean, when I hired you and your crack team at Marsha Dean Weddings, I did so because you specialize in unique weddings.
Marsha Dean: Well, that mostly means that some of them take place outside.
Sue Sylvester: Marsha Dean, you are fired. You are out of your depth. And nothing is too good for Sue Sylvester.
Doris Sylvester: Well, that's one way to look at it. Hello. I'm Doris Sylvester. I'm this one's mother. Marsha, I'll bet people say you look mannish. But you know something? I think it's perfectly all right for a woman to be handsome. Takes all kinds. Susie, come give your mother a hug.
Sue Sylvester: Please don't call me that.
Doris Sylvester: Come on, come on. Oh, you poked me in my sternum. I always forget that you have this ribcage that's kind of weird... and adorable. I think I'll sit down.
Sue Sylvester: Mom, what are you doing here?
Doris Sylvester: Good news, Suze. We finally caught the last Nazi. For two and a half years, we've been hot on the trail of Eva Braun's great-nephew Chad. And you know what? He's been under our noses this whole time. Working in Phoenix as a CPA. I felt bad taking him out. I mean, it's punishment enough to live there. You ever been to Phoenix? It's a hellhole.
Sue Sylvester: Mom, where have you been? I haven't seen you or heard from you - in over three years.
Doris Sylvester: What do you mean? I-I wrote you all those postcards. I mean, granted, they were decoys.
Sue Sylvester: Have you been to see Jean yet?
Doris Sylvester: It's the top of my list. Look, I, uh... I know it's been a long time, but... the work I was doing was important. And I always wanted to get back here and be a mother to you girls again. And Susie, I have to ask you, what is it with this ridiculous wedding? Have you given up on love?
Sue Sylvester: No, Mother. Quite the opposite.
Doris Sylvester: I mean, when you were little, the other mothers used to tell me that you'd never find anybody, but I said, "No, no, no, no. "She's a perfectly okay child. She'll grow into her looks." And you know what? I believe you still might.
Sue Sylvester: Mother, I am going through with this wedding. And you are free to accept the invitation or not.
Doris Sylvester: Are you inviting me?
Sue Sylvester: I'm inviting you now.
Doris Sylvester: Well, I am accepting. Don't get so huffy. Since your father's no longer with us, I want to - walk you down the aisle.
Sue Sylvester: No. I'm doing that.
Doris Sylvester: Then I know exactly what I'm going to do. You remember when you were a little girl, and you used to ask me to sing to you? And I never had the time. So you'd line up your little dollies and they'd sing to each other? Appalachian murder ballads, but it was touching. You know something, though? I'm going to be there for you this time. I'm going to sing at your wedding.



Rachel Berry: But why?
Finn Hudson: Karofsky plays right guard. If he gets pissed at me, I'm going to get sacked more times than Jay Cutler, which means we're going to lose, which means Beiste is going to make Sam quarterback.
Rachel Berry: Is being quarterback more important to you than helping out the kid who's going to be your stepbrother?
Finn Hudson: Look, we both know I can help him more if I stay on top. Look, Kurt's going to be fine. Rachel, I'm sorry. I want to, but I can't.
Rachel Berry: I've never been so disappointed in you before.
Finn Hudson: But...



Artie Abrams: Stop picking on Kurt.
Dave Karofsky: You mind? I'm changing.
Mike Chang: We're serious. This is a warning.
Dave Karofsky: Oh, yeah?
Artie Abrams: From now on, you're gonna leave him alone.
Dave Karofsky: Look, if he wants to be a homo, that's up to him, but don't rub it in my face.
Artie Abrams: We're not asking you.
Mike Chang: Yeah, we're done talking about this. Just back off, all right?
Dave Karofsky: Look, you back off.
Sam Evans: Hey!
Mike Chang: Artie, are you okay?
Shannon Beiste: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?! Get up! Get up here! Get up! What the hell's going on here?



Mike Chang: Dude was a wild animal.
Artie Abrams: Manimal.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so turned on by you right now.
Sam Evans: How bad does it look?
Quinn Fabray: It's pretty hot, actually.
Noah Puckerman: You have no idea how hard it was for me not to jump into that beatdown.
Santana Lopez: Where were you, Finn?
Finn Hudson: I was still out on the field, okay? I totally would have given him a beatdown if I had been there, though.
Mercedes Jones: The fact is, it shouldn't have gone down without you, Finn. You should have been leading the charge.
Kurt Hummel: Lay off Finn, everyone. It isn't his problem. It's none of your problems, actually. But thank you for what you did, especially Sam.
Mike Chang: Serious, an epitome of a leader.
Will Schuester: What's going on? What happened to Sam's eye?
Quinn Fabray: He stood up to Karofsky.
Tina Cohen-Chang: All the guys did. Well, not Finn.
Will Schuester: Is everyone okay? Do we all need to go talk to Principal Sylvester?
Sam Evans: No. I got in a few good licks, too, so we can just call it even. And maybe this will send a warning to Karofsky, telling him to back off Kurt.
Will Schuester: You okay, Kurt? All right, guys. Let's take our places. We got a wedding to prepare for.



Sue Sylvester: Well, Mr. Piano Man, I think I owe you an apology.
Doris Sylvester: Not to worry, Susie-Q. I arranged for us to spend an hour in here with that, uh, that cutie-pie, what's his, uh... handsome guy, what's his name?
Sue Sylvester: Will Schuster? Let's get this over with.
Doris Sylvester: Look... I know you've always resented my leaving. But I don't think you ever truly appreciated the sacrifices I made to be a famous Nazi hunter. I don't think you ever thought about how hard it was on me. So, this is the song I'm going to sing at your wedding. Yoo-hoo! There we are. I know you know it. It's one of my favorites. Well, hit it!
# Why, oh why, oh why, oh #
# Why did I ever leave Ohio? #
# Why did I wander #
# To find what lies yonder #
# When life was so cozy at home? #
Sue & Doris: # Wondr'ing while I wander#
# Why did I fly? #
# Why did I roam? #
# Oh why, oh why, oh #
# Did I leave Ohio? #
# Maybe I'd better go... #
Doris Sylvester: # O-H-I-O #
Sue Sylvester: # Oh... #
Sue & Doris: # Maybe I'd better go home. #
Sue Sylvester: Mother, this song still doesn't explain why you abandoned your children.
Doris Sylvester: Ohio was stifling, and we couldn't wait to get out of the place. And I told you, "Sue, we're going to be hunting Nazis."
Sue Sylvester: And Pop said, "Sue, this might take a little while."
Doris Sylvester: Well, those Nazis are slippery, and me hunting them way down in Lima, Peru...
Sue Sylvester: We'd get postcards from Niagara Falls...
Doris Sylvester: While I'm stalking Mengele in Bolivian malls.
Sue Sylvester: Three times a year, we'd get crackling phone calls.
Doris Sylvester: Happy birthday!
Sue Sylvester: Hunting Nazis!
Doris Sylvester: Merry Christmas!
Sue Sylvester: Hunting Nazis!
Doris Sylvester: Homesick.
Sue Sylvester: Abandoned.
Doris Sylvester: Heartsick.
Sue Sylvester: Neglected.
Sue & Doris: # Thank heavens we're free! #
# Why, oh why, oh why, oh #
# Why did I ever leave Ohio? #
# Oh why, oh why, oh #
# Did I leave Ohio? #
# Maybe I'd better #
# Stay home... #
Doris Sylvester: Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be. Whoops! Wait a minute. I've got a fitting for your wedding. I'm wearing white. I know you won't mind. It goes with my skin tone. You? You got your father's coloring. Give us a kiss.
# Maybe I'd better stay home. #



Kurt Hummel: Thank you both for attending the Kurt Hummel Wedding Dance Seminar. Dad, you're going to have to pull off the first dance with Carole. And if Uncle Andy's 40th birthday party was any indication, you're going to need some work.
Burt Hummel: What are you talking about? My moves were great, okay? It was the... damn sangria...
Kurt Hummel: Okay. We dance to the beat, not to the words.
Burt Hummel: Affected my coordination. I'm here, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, right here. Okay. All right, have you guys chosen a... No... A wedding song?
Burt Hummel: Uh, yes. We're thinking "Stairway" or some Bubl?
Kurt Hummel: Okay. Great. So it's basically one-two-three-four. Okay. Follow me, all right? Gentleman leads on the left. Right. Opposite of me. Okay? Get ready? Opposite. One-two-three-four. Okay, getting back.
Burt Hummel: Hey, look at me, I'm dancing, huh? Look at that!
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, okay. Come over here, and dance with yourself, practice.
Burt Hummel: Come on, Finn, no chickening out. I did it. You got to do it, too.
Finn Hudson: Okay, uh...
Burt Hummel: My feet are moving and there's music.
Finn Hudson: All right.
Kurt Hummel: Okay. Position.
Burt Hummel: That's dancing.
Finn Hudson: Uh... Can we... Can we shut the door? I'm not really comfortable with people watching.
Kurt Hummel: What are you talking about? You danced in front of 1,000 people at Regionals.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Burt Hummel: What the hell was that?
Kurt Hummel: It's nothing, Dad.
Burt Hummel: That was not nothing. That guy was making fun of you. What the hell's his name?
Finn Hudson: Tell him, Kurt.
Burt Hummel: Tell me what?
Finn Hudson: Tell him, or I will.
Kurt Hummel: His name's Dave Karofsky. He's... been harassing me for a few weeks now.
Burt Hummel: Harassing you how?
Kurt Hummel: Just... Shoving me, and giving me a hard time.
Burt Hummel: There's more. There's something else you're not telling me.
Kurt Hummel: He threatened to kill me.
Finn Hudson: What? You've got to be kidding me. Burt!
Dave Karofsky: What the hell?
Burt Hummel: You like picking on people?
Dave Karofsky: What?!
Burt Hummel: Why don't you try me?
Finn Hudson: Burt! Stop!
Kurt Hummel: Please, you're sick. Come on.
Burt Hummel: What the hell have you been doing while this is all going on, huh?



Sue Sylvester: So it seems the situation has reached a boiling point.
Burt Hummel: You're damn right, it has.
Dave Karofsky: Nothing happened.
Burt Hummel: I'll tell you what really happened. Mr. Karofsky...
Paul Karofsky: My name's Paul.
Burt Hummel: Paul, your kid threatened the life of my son.
Sue Sylvester: Porcelain? Is that true?
Dave Karofsky: That's not true. I didn't say anything.
Kurt Hummel: That's what he said. He said he would kill me if I told anyone.
Sue Sylvester: If you told anyone what?
Kurt Hummel: Just... that he was picking on me.
Dave Karofsky: He's making all this stuff up.
Burt Hummel: Oh, is that right?
Paul Karofsky: Hold on a sec. You have been acting differently lately, David. You used to get A's and B's. You're talking back, you're acting out, and now we're sitting here. So let me ask you: Why would Kurt make that up?
Dave Karofsky: Maybe he likes me.
Burt Hummel: I think we're wasting our time here. It's your job to protect people.
Sue Sylvester: Couldn't agree more. After hearing both sides of the story, you are hereby expelled. I will not have one student threatening the life of another. If you don't think this is fair, well, you can appeal to the school board. You'll leave campus immediately.
Paul Karofsky: I appreciate your time.
Burt Hummel: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Enjoy your wedding.



Finn Hudson: Huh. Never learned how to tie a tie.
Santana Lopez: Sit down, Frankenteen. I'm guessing you know that you're losing it. I mean, Sam is clearly the new Glee favorite, he's going to become starting quarterback...
Finn Hudson: What's your point?
Santana Lopez: My point is that you need a coolness injection. If you were honest and told people that we did it last year, you would go from uncool to Chilly Willy in a heartbeat.
Finn Hudson: Maybe, but I can't do that.



Rachel Berry: Wait.
Finn Hudson: What?
Rachel Berry: There's something I have to tell you. I didn't have sex with Jessie. I-I lied... to make you jealous.
Finn Hudson: I-It's cool. Um, you know, I had a feeling, considering how much of a prude you are with me... not that I'm complaining.
Rachel Berry: This is so much better because now neither of us have done it and we can save it for each other.
Finn Hudson: Awesome.



Finn Hudson: If she found out, she'd break up with me.
Santana Lopez: And this would be bad because...?
Finn Hudson: Because I'm in love with her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Santana Lopez: Okay, don't you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?
Finn Hudson: Oh, stop it, Santana, that's my girlfriend. I think you should leave.
Santana Lopez: All right. Well, maybe I'll tell her. I mean, if you two broke up, we'd be free to see each other, right?
Rachel Berry: Hey. What are you guys doing?
Santana Lopez: Nothing. I was just leaving.
Rachel Berry: Aren't you going to tell me how pretty I look?
Finn Hudson: You look amazing.
Rachel Berry: What?
Finn Hudson: I... I just really love you.
Rachel Berry: I love you, too.



Finn Hudson: # lt's a beautiful night #
# We're looking for something dumb to do #
# Hey, baby #
# I think I wanna marry you #
Rachel Berry: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it?
# This dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you #
Quinn Fabray: # Well, I know #
# This little chapel on the boulevard we can go #
# No one will know #
Sam Evans: # Come on, girl #
Quinn Fabray: # Who cares if we're trashed? #
# Got a pocket full of cash #
Sam & Quinn: # We can blow #
# Shots of patro-o-on #
Sam Evans: # Ahh and it's on, girl #
Artie & Britney: # Don't say no, no, no, no-no, #
# Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah, #
# And we'll go, go, go, go-go. #
Artie Abrams: # If you're ready like I'm ready #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # 'Cause it's a beautiful night #
Mike & Tina: # We're looking for something dumb to do #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Hey, baby #
Mike & Tina: # I think I wanna marry you #
Artie & Britney: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it this dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you! #
New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba... #
Sam Evans: # Just say I do-oh-o-oh, #
New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba...#
Finn Hudson: # Tell me right now, baby #
Artie Abrams: # Tell me right now, baby, baby #
Finn & Rachel: # 'Cause it's a beautiful night #
# We're looking for something dumb to do #
# Hey, baby #
# I think I wanna marry you #
New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba... #
Sam Evans: # Just say I do-oh-o-oh, #
Finn & Rachel: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it this dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you. #
Reverend: Please be seated. We usually start with a prayer. But a certain young wedding planner, who shall remain nameless, was afraid that some in attendance might fall asleep. So instead, I'm going to let Burt and Carole tell you in their own words why they've invited you here today.
Burt Hummel: I'm not really known for having a way with words. Uh... you know when you're a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how... sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much. But Kurt... he lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back? I-I want to apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living just... wasn't living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well, sometimes out of nowhere, he'll do you one better, and he'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he pointed me towards this woman right here. And he said, "There she is. Go get her." You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you. You're everything. And I will love you till the day I die.
Carole Hudson: Oh, hey... I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other one just saved me. Kurt, you are an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. We are four people. Becoming a family.
Burt Hummel: Okay.
Reverend: Burt... Do you take Carole...?
Burt Hummel: You bet I do!
Reverend: And do you, Carole, take this man...?
Carole Hudson: Oh, yes I do! Yes, I do.



Will Schuester: # When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me, make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Other dancers may be on the floor #
# Dear, but my eyes will see only you #
# Only you have that magic technique #
# When we sway, I go weak #
# When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me #
# Make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Like a flower bending in the breeze #
# Bend with me #
# Sway with ease #
# When we dance, you have a way with me #
# Stay with me #
# Sway with me! #
And now, I'd like to introduce one of the best men: Finn Hudson!
Burt Hummel: All right?
Kurt Hummel: You did good. It did the trick.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Thanks. Hi. Uh, thank you. Best man. Right. Uh... Well, I want to propose a toast to my mom... who is so awesome. I mean... somehow even without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man. In Glee Club, uh, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finnchel. Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. And today, a new union was formed. Furt. You and me, man. We're brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, uh, some stuff's gone down. And I haven't manned up like I should've. From now on? No matter what it costs me, I got your back. Okay? Even if it means getting a Slushee in the face every now and then. You put this entire wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor. You're going to dance it with me, dude.
# Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars #
# Look like they're not shinin' #
# Her hair, her hair #
# Falls perfectly without her tryin' #
# She's so beautiful #
# And I tell her every day #
# Oh #
# You know, you know, you know I'd never #
# Ask you to change #
# If perfect's what you're searching for #
# Then just stay the same #
# So, don't even bother asking #
# If you look okay #
# You know I'll say #
# When I see your face #
New Directions: # When I see your face #
Finn Hudson: # There's not a thing that I would change #
# 'Cause you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# And when you smile #
New Directions: # And when you smile #
Finn Hudson: # The whole world stops #
# And stares for a while #
# 'Cause, girl, you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# The way you are... #
# The way you are... #
# Girl, you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# When I see your face #
# I see your face #
# There's not a thing that I would change #
# 'Cause you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
New Directions: # Just the way you are #
Finn Hudson: # And when you smile #
New Directions: # When you smile #
Finn Hudson: # The whole world stops and stares for a while #
# 'Cause, girl, you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
New Directions: # Just the way you are #
Finn Hudson: # Yeah. #



Doris Sylvester: Well, I hope the real wedding is more exciting than the rehearsal. You know what, Jeannie? There's nothing like spending time with m'girls.
Jean Sylvester: Then why did you leave us?
Doris Sylvester: I was busy. I was busy keeping you safe. Those Nazis, they're nasty people. You got the illustrated copy of Mein Kampf I sent you, right?
Jean Sylvester: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Doris Sylvester: Oh, what in the G.D. Hell?
Sue Sylvester: That's enough. Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to join Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester in holy matrimony. Jeannie, give me the rings.
Doris Sylvester: This is insane.
Sue Sylvester: Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. And Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. By the power vested in me by a Web site, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself.
Doris Sylvester: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but this is crazy. This whole thing is crazy. I had my heart set on singing during the ceremony! I don't want to be singing as you're walking out! I want to have a special moment with you girls!
Sue Sylvester: We girls have had lots of special moments, Mother. You just weren't there.
Doris Sylvester: I resent that. And I also resent the fact that you are keeping me in the background at my own daughter's wedding, which, I am sorry to say I still think is bizarre!
Sue Sylvester: You know when I finally began to like who I am? When I stopped trying to please you. So Jean and I had to learn how to become our own family, and you can't just waltz in here after all this time and start calling the shots. You're a bully, Mother. It's taken till now to realize it, but you are a bully.
Doris Sylvester: I am not!
Sue Sylvester: Mother, I cannot remember a conversation with you where I didn't walk away feeling worse about myself.
Doris Sylvester: Well, you know what, Susan? I'm disappointed in you.
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry to say, Mother, you are no longer invited to my wedding.
Doris Sylvester: What about my song?
Sue Sylvester: You are welcome to sing "The Sound of Silence" in your hotel room right now.
Doris Sylvester: All right. And to think I was going to send you to Israel for your honeymoon. They love me there.
Jean Sylvester: You look beautiful.
Sue Sylvester: You're beautiful.



Sam Evans: Hi.
Quinn Fabray: Arnica twice a day. It'll help your bruise.
Sam Evans: Thanks.
Quinn Fabray: I've been thinking a lot about what you did for Kurt. It made a real impact.
Sam Evans: I thought the only impact that was made was Karofsky's fist impacting my face.
Quinn Fabray: You saw what Finn did at the wedding. That was because of you. We've been talking this whole time, and you haven't even noticed that I'm wearing your ring.
Sam Evans: How'd you get that?
Quinn Fabray: I broke into your locker. I've always been really handy with a nail file.
Sam Evans: Really?
Quinn Fabray: Mm-hmm.
Sam Evans: Yes!



Carole Hudson: This is absolutely unacceptable.
Burt Hummel: This psycho threatens my kid's life, and some school board made up of a bunch of people I've never met tells me there's nothing they can do about it?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, they could do something about it. They just decided not to. No one reported witnessing him being violent, and there's no way to prove that he threatened you with violence. The school board president issued a verbal warning to Karofsky, and that's where we stand.
Kurt Hummel: I can't go back to being terrified all the time. I jump every time a locker slams shut. I flinch whenever I turn the corner. I don't feel safe at the school.
Sue Sylvester: Kids who bully, for the most part, have been bullied themselves. And I for one don't flatter myself that that behavior can change. Now this kid Karofsky isn't gonna all of a sudden be nice to you, and I won't stand by unable to do anything about it. Effective noon tomorrow, Figgins is back in charge as I've tendered my resignation as principal in protest. I can't help you behind that desk, but I can be an extra pair of eyes out in those hallways. Someone ought to have your back. Besides, I miss my office. This room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin.



Kurt Hummel: Well, I guess I'll try to enjoy the rest of the day, before the terror starts anew. I'll see you at home.
Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt. Wait up a second. There's something we want to talk to you about.



Will Schuester: Come on, guys. The wedding was great, but we have got to get ready for Sectionals next week. Kurt, good, I want to talk to you about this amazing idea I had for a solo for you at Sectionals.
Kurt Hummel: Can I make an announcement first?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn. It's nice to know that I have great friends here as well as a true brother. Which is why it's so hard for me to leave.
Quinn Fabray: What do you mean, "Leave?"
Kurt Hummel: I'm transferring to Dalton Academy... immediately. My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Kurt, you can't leave.
Finn Hudson: What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Finn, but there's nothing to talk about. Karofsky's coming back tomorrow, so that means I won't be.
Sam Evans: We can protect you.
Noah Puckerman: Seriously, we can, like, form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: The only thing that can really protect me is what they have a zero tolerance, no- bullying policy. It's enforced.
Rachel Berry: Um, does that mean you're gonna be competing against us at Sectionals?
Mercedes Jones: Kurt...
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. I have to go.


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt's still getting harassed and doesn't know what to do about it.
Dave Karofsky: I am gonna kill you.
Ian Brennan: Finn and Kurt got mad at each other, because Kurt had a crush on Finn, and then Finn called him a nasty name, but it also wasn't cool that Kurt couldn't take a hint, and their parents are dating, so it's a little awkward. Sam and Quinn are sort of dating, and Sue sort of dated Rod Remington.
Sue Sylvester: You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.
Ian Brennan: But then she caught him cheating, so she's back on the market, and that's what you missed on Glee.



Finn Hudson: Oh. What's going on? Is this one of those interventions, 'cause...?
Kurt Hummel: If it is, it's for the both of us. They bombarded me and forced me to bring them to you.
Burt Hummel: Okay, come on, tell 'em.
Carole Hudson: No, no, no, you.
Burt Hummel: Come on.
Carole Hudson: No.
Burt Hummel: We said in the car.
Carole Hudson: Come on, you, you.
Burt Hummel: Come on, you.
Carole Hudson: Please!
Burt Hummel: All right, so you know how I drive Carole to work every Tuesday? Well, today I drove here, and we snuck into that classroom where Kurt introduced us... very romantic of me, I might add... And I...
Carole Hudson: He proposed! He proposed!
Burt Hummel: You stole the punch line! Come on!
Finn Hudson: Wow. This just happened?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Dad! Oh!
Carole Hudson: We wanted the two of you to be the first to know.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, after the kids in that homeroom. Come on, family hug, huh?
Kurt Hummel: Okay.
Burt Hummel: Come on!
Carole Hudson: I'm so excited and-and nervous!
Kurt Hummel: Oh, don't be, don't be.
Carole Hudson: Well, no. Okay.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, this is just what I needed. I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I'm thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn. Fall wedding colors. Autumnal.
Burt Hummel: Nothing too extravagant, Kurt, okay? We're gonna use whatever savings we have. We are spending it on the honeymoon. That's right. We're going to Waikiki. We're gonna go to the hotel where they put up the guest stars on Lost.
Carole Hudson: Finn, you-you haven't said anything.
Finn Hudson: Uh, I'm... I guess I'm just kind of stunned.
Burt Hummel: Hey, don't worry. I'm already looking for a bigger house. One where everybody's gonna get their own rooms. All right?
Carole Hudson: Come on, honey. Be happy for me.
Finn Hudson: I am, Mom.
Burt Hummel: All right, now listen, Kurt, Mr. Wedding Planner, I want you to take care of one thing. I don't care about the food or the booze at this party, but I want one heck of a band. I've been eating right. I've been exercising. And I want to boogie with Carole at this wedding. And I will boogie.
Kurt Hummel: All right. It's already taken care of, Dad. I'm going to hire the New Directions as your band. Right? It won't cost you a cent. They're cheap, they're available. Long story short... you're having a Glee wedding.



Sue Sylvester: Today is a red-letter day. The big day has finally arrived for one Sue Sylvester. Becky, get in here! Get these invites down to the post office, stat.
Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: And to think that this joyous occasion began in horror.



Sue Sylvester: ... which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy. So shine on, urban campers! You smell like adventure! And that's how Sue sees it.
Rod Remington: Sue, you're the bee's knees. Before we break, I'd like to make an announcement.
Andrea Carmichael: Rod and I are engaged.
Rod Remington: I popped the question in my building's common-use hot tub. Booyah. Not to worry, ladies. It's an open marriage. We'll be right back.
Sue Sylvester: How dare you humiliate me like that! People know you and I dated.
Rod Remington: Sue, you can't tame the tiger. You've read my tattoos.
Andrea Carmichael: Face it, Sue. You're never going to find someone, and you're going to die alone.



Sue Sylvester: So I decided to try online dating. And there was only one match for Sue Sylvester. One Sue Sylvester. So thanks, eDesperate. I'm over the moon. Or maybe I'm a little high off this adhesive, but I want to scream from the highest mountain, "Sue Sylvester is marrying herself."



Finn Hudson: Hey, is that safe? With your shoulder messed up and all?
Sam Evans: Doesn't feel messed up to me. Now that I'm healthy, I'm going to be gunning to get my job back.
Finn Hudson: Well, Coach Beiste isn't going to replace me while we're winning.
Sam Evans: You can't win every game. Look, I still want to be friends. It's just, I'm kind of on the cusp of being one of the most popular guys in school.
Finn Hudson: Wow. I, uh... I didn't think you were the type that cared about that stuff.
Sam Evans: Everyone does. Being on top means you don't have to take crap from anybody. No teasing, no Slushee facials.
Finn Hudson: Being quarterback isn't going to put you on top, especially since you can't even get Quinn to be your girlfriend.
Sam Evans: I'm working on that, too.



Quinn Fabray: So, what do you want to talk about in private?
Sam Evans: These galactic mobiles aren't the stars of McKinley. We are. Or at least, I want us to be.
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
Sam Evans: I think I love you. Look, my shoulder's healed, I'm going to be the quarterback again soon. And you're already the head cheerleader.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, my God, are you proposing? We've known each other for six weeks. Stand up. You're freaking me out.
Sam Evans: I want to marry you... some day. Until then, will you accept this promise ring?
Quinn Fabray: What are you, six?
Sam Evans: If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy moved around. I promise to make you feel proud when you point down the hall and say, "That dude's my boyfriend." And I promise to do all of those things without ever trying to sound like Matthew McConaughey. I really care about you, Quinn. And I want us to be together. Is that a no?
Quinn Fabray: It's a maybe.



Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so I've been reviewing this itinerary, and I don't really get it. Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get kind of messy?
Kurt Hummel: That's why we feed them glitter, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Well, look, I've been thinking about it. I really want to do something special for the wedding, and I wanted to take this opportunity to sort of remind everyone that I'm, you know, a leader.
Kurt Hummel: I have the perfect idea. After you walk your mom down the aisle, and give her away to my dad...
Finn Hudson: Incredibly creepy.
Kurt Hummel: ... and give your speech to the newlyweds... which I will write, although you are free to suggest overall themes... you and Carole will have a lovely mother-and-son dance in front of everyone.
Finn Hudson: Ah, that's a terrible idea. Everybody knows I'm the worst dancer.
Kurt Hummel: Finn, trust me on this. I've been planning weddings since I was two. My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac.
Finn Hudson: I guess if I could pull it off, it would make me seem like a cool stud.
Kurt Hummel: Totally.
Finn Hudson: Thanks. It's a plan.
Kurt Hummel: I don't want you near me.
Dave Karofsky: Can I have this? Thanks.
Will Schuester: Are you okay?
Kurt Hummel: No. No.
Will Schuester: Okay, let's go to the principal, come on.



Sue Sylvester: Did he physically hurt you?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Will Schuester: You said he's shoved you into the lockers before.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I can't expel a kid for shoving. He'll just say, "I didn't mean to shove that kid, I tripped!" Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.
Kurt Hummel: He didn't shove me this time. He just... terrified me.
Sue Sylvester: Lady, I can't suspend a student because he scares you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. It's rough. People can be mean.
Will Schuester: That's your advice? That's all you have to say?
Sue Sylvester: William, I was bullied my entire life. I grew up with a handicapable sister. I know very well how cruel people can be. Was it difficult? Yes. Did it make me stronger? You bet it did.
Kurt Hummel: It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming, I can't concentrate, I don't feel like I'm part of this school at all. I feel like I'm in a horror movie where this creature follows me around terrifying me, and there's nothing that I can do about it? I mean, you... You don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of.
Will Schuester: What does that mean?
Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting.
Sue Sylvester: Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me, and I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your delivery order. Okay? But until that happens, and I'm genuinely sorry to say this, there is nothing legally I or the school board can do.
Will Schuester: Come on, Kurt. We're gonna be late for rehearsal.
Kurt Hummel: You know, when you call me lady... that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames... Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me-Doughface.
Kurt Hummel: I guess I'll go with Porcelain.
Sue Sylvester: Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me-Doughface.



Rachel Berry: Ladies, the Kurt-Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable, he's losing weight... and not in a good way. And he's barely even fighting me for solos anymore.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We've all been teased, but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse.
Rachel Berry: We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say, we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, first off all, I'm not dating Sam. And second of all, I think you personally just set the feminist movement back 50 years.
Rachel Berry: But guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.
Quinn Fabray: So we're going to fight violence with violence?
Rachel Berry: No! Look, I'm not saying that they should hit him. What I'm saying is that we need to defend Kurt, and there's strength in numbers.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?
Brittany S. Pierce: Deal with it. When you guys fooled around, did he ever, like, just lie there?
Santana Lopez: Why didn't you tell me that we were having a Glee girls meeting?
Rachel Berry: This is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt.
Santana Lopez: Okay, I'm dating Puckerman.
Quinn Fabray: You're getting naked with Puckerman.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Besides, Puck can't mess with Karofsky; He's on probation. If he gets in a fight with him, he'll be sent back to juvee.
Rachel Berry: Mm-hmm. Yeah, so now if you'll excuse us.
Santana Lopez: You're so on my list, dwarf.
Rachel Berry: Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves.



Marsha Dean: I'm a little confused.
Sue Sylvester: I said not only am I marrying myself, I will be officiating the ceremony.
Marsha Dean: I'm not, um...
Sue Sylvester: Marsha Dean, when I hired you and your crack team at Marsha Dean Weddings, I did so because you specialize in unique weddings.
Marsha Dean: Well, that mostly means that some of them take place outside.
Sue Sylvester: Marsha Dean, you are fired. You are out of your depth. And nothing is too good for Sue Sylvester.
Doris Sylvester: Well, that's one way to look at it. Hello. I'm Doris Sylvester. I'm this one's mother. Marsha, I'll bet people say you look mannish. But you know something? I think it's perfectly all right for a woman to be handsome. Takes all kinds. Susie, come give your mother a hug.
Sue Sylvester: Please don't call me that.
Doris Sylvester: Come on, come on. Oh, you poked me in my sternum. I always forget that you have this ribcage that's kind of weird... and adorable. I think I'll sit down.
Sue Sylvester: Mom, what are you doing here?
Doris Sylvester: Good news, Suze. We finally caught the last Nazi. For two and a half years, we've been hot on the trail of Eva Braun's great-nephew Chad. And you know what? He's been under our noses this whole time. Working in Phoenix as a CPA. I felt bad taking him out. I mean, it's punishment enough to live there. You ever been to Phoenix? It's a hellhole.
Sue Sylvester: Mom, where have you been? I haven't seen you or heard from you - in over three years.
Doris Sylvester: What do you mean? I-I wrote you all those postcards. I mean, granted, they were decoys.
Sue Sylvester: Have you been to see Jean yet?
Doris Sylvester: It's the top of my list. Look, I, uh... I know it's been a long time, but... the work I was doing was important. And I always wanted to get back here and be a mother to you girls again. And Susie, I have to ask you, what is it with this ridiculous wedding? Have you given up on love?
Sue Sylvester: No, Mother. Quite the opposite.
Doris Sylvester: I mean, when you were little, the other mothers used to tell me that you'd never find anybody, but I said, "No, no, no, no. "She's a perfectly okay child. She'll grow into her looks." And you know what? I believe you still might.
Sue Sylvester: Mother, I am going through with this wedding. And you are free to accept the invitation or not.
Doris Sylvester: Are you inviting me?
Sue Sylvester: I'm inviting you now.
Doris Sylvester: Well, I am accepting. Don't get so huffy. Since your father's no longer with us, I want to - walk you down the aisle.
Sue Sylvester: No. I'm doing that.
Doris Sylvester: Then I know exactly what I'm going to do. You remember when you were a little girl, and you used to ask me to sing to you? And I never had the time. So you'd line up your little dollies and they'd sing to each other? Appalachian murder ballads, but it was touching. You know something, though? I'm going to be there for you this time. I'm going to sing at your wedding.



Rachel Berry: But why?
Finn Hudson: Karofsky plays right guard. If he gets pissed at me, I'm going to get sacked more times than Jay Cutler, which means we're going to lose, which means Beiste is going to make Sam quarterback.
Rachel Berry: Is being quarterback more important to you than helping out the kid who's going to be your stepbrother?
Finn Hudson: Look, we both know I can help him more if I stay on top. Look, Kurt's going to be fine. Rachel, I'm sorry. I want to, but I can't.
Rachel Berry: I've never been so disappointed in you before.
Finn Hudson: But...



Artie Abrams: Stop picking on Kurt.
Dave Karofsky: You mind? I'm changing.
Mike Chang: We're serious. This is a warning.
Dave Karofsky: Oh, yeah?
Artie Abrams: From now on, you're gonna leave him alone.
Dave Karofsky: Look, if he wants to be a homo, that's up to him, but don't rub it in my face.
Artie Abrams: We're not asking you.
Mike Chang: Yeah, we're done talking about this. Just back off, all right?
Dave Karofsky: Look, you back off.
Sam Evans: Hey!
Mike Chang: Artie, are you okay?
Shannon Beiste: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?! Get up! Get up here! Get up! What the hell's going on here?



Mike Chang: Dude was a wild animal.
Artie Abrams: Manimal.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so turned on by you right now.
Sam Evans: How bad does it look?
Quinn Fabray: It's pretty hot, actually.
Noah Puckerman: You have no idea how hard it was for me not to jump into that beatdown.
Santana Lopez: Where were you, Finn?
Finn Hudson: I was still out on the field, okay? I totally would have given him a beatdown if I had been there, though.
Mercedes Jones: The fact is, it shouldn't have gone down without you, Finn. You should have been leading the charge.
Kurt Hummel: Lay off Finn, everyone. It isn't his problem. It's none of your problems, actually. But thank you for what you did, especially Sam.
Mike Chang: Serious, an epitome of a leader.
Will Schuester: What's going on? What happened to Sam's eye?
Quinn Fabray: He stood up to Karofsky.
Tina Cohen-Chang: All the guys did. Well, not Finn.
Will Schuester: Is everyone okay? Do we all need to go talk to Principal Sylvester?
Sam Evans: No. I got in a few good licks, too, so we can just call it even. And maybe this will send a warning to Karofsky, telling him to back off Kurt.
Will Schuester: You okay, Kurt? All right, guys. Let's take our places. We got a wedding to prepare for.



Sue Sylvester: Well, Mr. Piano Man, I think I owe you an apology.
Doris Sylvester: Not to worry, Susie-Q. I arranged for us to spend an hour in here with that, uh, that cutie-pie, what's his, uh... handsome guy, what's his name?
Sue Sylvester: Will Schuster? Let's get this over with.
Doris Sylvester: Look... I know you've always resented my leaving. But I don't think you ever truly appreciated the sacrifices I made to be a famous Nazi hunter. I don't think you ever thought about how hard it was on me. So, this is the song I'm going to sing at your wedding. Yoo-hoo! There we are. I know you know it. It's one of my favorites. Well, hit it!
# Why, oh why, oh why, oh #
# Why did I ever leave Ohio? #
# Why did I wander #
# To find what lies yonder #
# When life was so cozy at home? #
Sue & Doris: # Wondr'ing while I wander#
# Why did I fly? #
# Why did I roam? #
# Oh why, oh why, oh #
# Did I leave Ohio? #
# Maybe I'd better go... #
Doris Sylvester: # O-H-I-O #
Sue Sylvester: # Oh... #
Sue & Doris: # Maybe I'd better go home. #
Sue Sylvester: Mother, this song still doesn't explain why you abandoned your children.
Doris Sylvester: Ohio was stifling, and we couldn't wait to get out of the place. And I told you, "Sue, we're going to be hunting Nazis."
Sue Sylvester: And Pop said, "Sue, this might take a little while."
Doris Sylvester: Well, those Nazis are slippery, and me hunting them way down in Lima, Peru...
Sue Sylvester: We'd get postcards from Niagara Falls...
Doris Sylvester: While I'm stalking Mengele in Bolivian malls.
Sue Sylvester: Three times a year, we'd get crackling phone calls.
Doris Sylvester: Happy birthday!
Sue Sylvester: Hunting Nazis!
Doris Sylvester: Merry Christmas!
Sue Sylvester: Hunting Nazis!
Doris Sylvester: Homesick.
Sue Sylvester: Abandoned.
Doris Sylvester: Heartsick.
Sue Sylvester: Neglected.
Sue & Doris: # Thank heavens we're free! #
# Why, oh why, oh why, oh #
# Why did I ever leave Ohio? #
# Oh why, oh why, oh #
# Did I leave Ohio? #
# Maybe I'd better #
# Stay home... #
Doris Sylvester: Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be. Whoops! Wait a minute. I've got a fitting for your wedding. I'm wearing white. I know you won't mind. It goes with my skin tone. You? You got your father's coloring. Give us a kiss.
# Maybe I'd better stay home. #



Kurt Hummel: Thank you both for attending the Kurt Hummel Wedding Dance Seminar. Dad, you're going to have to pull off the first dance with Carole. And if Uncle Andy's 40th birthday party was any indication, you're going to need some work.
Burt Hummel: What are you talking about? My moves were great, okay? It was the... damn sangria...
Kurt Hummel: Okay. We dance to the beat, not to the words.
Burt Hummel: Affected my coordination. I'm here, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, right here. Okay. All right, have you guys chosen a... No... A wedding song?
Burt Hummel: Uh, yes. We're thinking "Stairway" or some Bubl?
Kurt Hummel: Okay. Great. So it's basically one-two-three-four. Okay. Follow me, all right? Gentleman leads on the left. Right. Opposite of me. Okay? Get ready? Opposite. One-two-three-four. Okay, getting back.
Burt Hummel: Hey, look at me, I'm dancing, huh? Look at that!
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, okay. Come over here, and dance with yourself, practice.
Burt Hummel: Come on, Finn, no chickening out. I did it. You got to do it, too.
Finn Hudson: Okay, uh...
Burt Hummel: My feet are moving and there's music.
Finn Hudson: All right.
Kurt Hummel: Okay. Position.
Burt Hummel: That's dancing.
Finn Hudson: Uh... Can we... Can we shut the door? I'm not really comfortable with people watching.
Kurt Hummel: What are you talking about? You danced in front of 1,000 people at Regionals.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Burt Hummel: What the hell was that?
Kurt Hummel: It's nothing, Dad.
Burt Hummel: That was not nothing. That guy was making fun of you. What the hell's his name?
Finn Hudson: Tell him, Kurt.
Burt Hummel: Tell me what?
Finn Hudson: Tell him, or I will.
Kurt Hummel: His name's Dave Karofsky. He's... been harassing me for a few weeks now.
Burt Hummel: Harassing you how?
Kurt Hummel: Just... Shoving me, and giving me a hard time.
Burt Hummel: There's more. There's something else you're not telling me.
Kurt Hummel: He threatened to kill me.
Finn Hudson: What? You've got to be kidding me. Burt!
Dave Karofsky: What the hell?
Burt Hummel: You like picking on people?
Dave Karofsky: What?!
Burt Hummel: Why don't you try me?
Finn Hudson: Burt! Stop!
Kurt Hummel: Please, you're sick. Come on.
Burt Hummel: What the hell have you been doing while this is all going on, huh?



Sue Sylvester: So it seems the situation has reached a boiling point.
Burt Hummel: You're damn right, it has.
Dave Karofsky: Nothing happened.
Burt Hummel: I'll tell you what really happened. Mr. Karofsky...
Paul Karofsky: My name's Paul.
Burt Hummel: Paul, your kid threatened the life of my son.
Sue Sylvester: Porcelain? Is that true?
Dave Karofsky: That's not true. I didn't say anything.
Kurt Hummel: That's what he said. He said he would kill me if I told anyone.
Sue Sylvester: If you told anyone what?
Kurt Hummel: Just... that he was picking on me.
Dave Karofsky: He's making all this stuff up.
Burt Hummel: Oh, is that right?
Paul Karofsky: Hold on a sec. You have been acting differently lately, David. You used to get A's and B's. You're talking back, you're acting out, and now we're sitting here. So let me ask you: Why would Kurt make that up?
Dave Karofsky: Maybe he likes me.
Burt Hummel: I think we're wasting our time here. It's your job to protect people.
Sue Sylvester: Couldn't agree more. After hearing both sides of the story, you are hereby expelled. I will not have one student threatening the life of another. If you don't think this is fair, well, you can appeal to the school board. You'll leave campus immediately.
Paul Karofsky: I appreciate your time.
Burt Hummel: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Enjoy your wedding.



Finn Hudson: Huh. Never learned how to tie a tie.
Santana Lopez: Sit down, Frankenteen. I'm guessing you know that you're losing it. I mean, Sam is clearly the new Glee favorite, he's going to become starting quarterback...
Finn Hudson: What's your point?
Santana Lopez: My point is that you need a coolness injection. If you were honest and told people that we did it last year, you would go from uncool to Chilly Willy in a heartbeat.
Finn Hudson: Maybe, but I can't do that.



Rachel Berry: Wait.
Finn Hudson: What?
Rachel Berry: There's something I have to tell you. I didn't have sex with Jessie. I-I lied... to make you jealous.
Finn Hudson: I-It's cool. Um, you know, I had a feeling, considering how much of a prude you are with me... not that I'm complaining.
Rachel Berry: This is so much better because now neither of us have done it and we can save it for each other.
Finn Hudson: Awesome.



Finn Hudson: If she found out, she'd break up with me.
Santana Lopez: And this would be bad because...?
Finn Hudson: Because I'm in love with her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Santana Lopez: Okay, don't you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?
Finn Hudson: Oh, stop it, Santana, that's my girlfriend. I think you should leave.
Santana Lopez: All right. Well, maybe I'll tell her. I mean, if you two broke up, we'd be free to see each other, right?
Rachel Berry: Hey. What are you guys doing?
Santana Lopez: Nothing. I was just leaving.
Rachel Berry: Aren't you going to tell me how pretty I look?
Finn Hudson: You look amazing.
Rachel Berry: What?
Finn Hudson: I... I just really love you.
Rachel Berry: I love you, too.



Finn Hudson: # lt's a beautiful night #
# We're looking for something dumb to do #
# Hey, baby #
# I think I wanna marry you #
Rachel Berry: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it?
# This dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you #
Quinn Fabray: # Well, I know #
# This little chapel on the boulevard we can go #
# No one will know #
Sam Evans: # Come on, girl #
Quinn Fabray: # Who cares if we're trashed? #
# Got a pocket full of cash #
Sam & Quinn: # We can blow #
# Shots of patro-o-on #
Sam Evans: # Ahh and it's on, girl #
Artie & Britney: # Don't say no, no, no, no-no, #
# Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah, #
# And we'll go, go, go, go-go. #
Artie Abrams: # If you're ready like I'm ready #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # 'Cause it's a beautiful night #
Mike & Tina: # We're looking for something dumb to do #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Hey, baby #
Mike & Tina: # I think I wanna marry you #
Artie & Britney: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it this dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you! #
New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba... #
Sam Evans: # Just say I do-oh-o-oh, #
New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba...#
Finn Hudson: # Tell me right now, baby #
Artie Abrams: # Tell me right now, baby, baby #
Finn & Rachel: # 'Cause it's a beautiful night #
# We're looking for something dumb to do #
# Hey, baby #
# I think I wanna marry you #
New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba... #
Sam Evans: # Just say I do-oh-o-oh, #
Finn & Rachel: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it this dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you. #
Reverend: Please be seated. We usually start with a prayer. But a certain young wedding planner, who shall remain nameless, was afraid that some in attendance might fall asleep. So instead, I'm going to let Burt and Carole tell you in their own words why they've invited you here today.
Burt Hummel: I'm not really known for having a way with words. Uh... you know when you're a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how... sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much. But Kurt... he lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back? I-I want to apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living just... wasn't living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well, sometimes out of nowhere, he'll do you one better, and he'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he pointed me towards this woman right here. And he said, "There she is. Go get her." You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you. You're everything. And I will love you till the day I die.
Carole Hudson: Oh, hey... I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other one just saved me. Kurt, you are an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. We are four people. Becoming a family.
Burt Hummel: Okay.
Reverend: Burt... Do you take Carole...?
Burt Hummel: You bet I do!
Reverend: And do you, Carole, take this man...?
Carole Hudson: Oh, yes I do! Yes, I do.



Will Schuester: # When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me, make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Other dancers may be on the floor #
# Dear, but my eyes will see only you #
# Only you have that magic technique #
# When we sway, I go weak #
# When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me #
# Make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Like a flower bending in the breeze #
# Bend with me #
# Sway with ease #
# When we dance, you have a way with me #
# Stay with me #
# Sway with me! #
And now, I'd like to introduce one of the best men: Finn Hudson!
Burt Hummel: All right?
Kurt Hummel: You did good. It did the trick.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Thanks. Hi. Uh, thank you. Best man. Right. Uh... Well, I want to propose a toast to my mom... who is so awesome. I mean... somehow even without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man. In Glee Club, uh, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finnchel. Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. And today, a new union was formed. Furt. You and me, man. We're brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, uh, some stuff's gone down. And I haven't manned up like I should've. From now on? No matter what it costs me, I got your back. Okay? Even if it means getting a Slushee in the face every now and then. You put this entire wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor. You're going to dance it with me, dude.
# Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars #
# Look like they're not shinin' #
# Her hair, her hair #
# Falls perfectly without her tryin' #
# She's so beautiful #
# And I tell her every day #
# Oh #
# You know, you know, you know I'd never #
# Ask you to change #
# If perfect's what you're searching for #
# Then just stay the same #
# So, don't even bother asking #
# If you look okay #
# You know I'll say #
# When I see your face #
New Directions: # When I see your face #
Finn Hudson: # There's not a thing that I would change #
# 'Cause you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# And when you smile #
New Directions: # And when you smile #
Finn Hudson: # The whole world stops #
# And stares for a while #
# 'Cause, girl, you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# The way you are... #
# The way you are... #
# Girl, you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# When I see your face #
# I see your face #
# There's not a thing that I would change #
# 'Cause you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
New Directions: # Just the way you are #
Finn Hudson: # And when you smile #
New Directions: # When you smile #
Finn Hudson: # The whole world stops and stares for a while #
# 'Cause, girl, you're amazing #
New Directions: # You're amazing #
Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
New Directions: # Just the way you are #
Finn Hudson: # Yeah. #



Doris Sylvester: Well, I hope the real wedding is more exciting than the rehearsal. You know what, Jeannie? There's nothing like spending time with m'girls.
Jean Sylvester: Then why did you leave us?
Doris Sylvester: I was busy. I was busy keeping you safe. Those Nazis, they're nasty people. You got the illustrated copy of Mein Kampf I sent you, right?
Jean Sylvester: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Doris Sylvester: Oh, what in the G.D. Hell?
Sue Sylvester: That's enough. Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to join Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester in holy matrimony. Jeannie, give me the rings.
Doris Sylvester: This is insane.
Sue Sylvester: Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. And Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. By the power vested in me by a Web site, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself.
Doris Sylvester: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but this is crazy. This whole thing is crazy. I had my heart set on singing during the ceremony! I don't want to be singing as you're walking out! I want to have a special moment with you girls!
Sue Sylvester: We girls have had lots of special moments, Mother. You just weren't there.
Doris Sylvester: I resent that. And I also resent the fact that you are keeping me in the background at my own daughter's wedding, which, I am sorry to say I still think is bizarre!
Sue Sylvester: You know when I finally began to like who I am? When I stopped trying to please you. So Jean and I had to learn how to become our own family, and you can't just waltz in here after all this time and start calling the shots. You're a bully, Mother. It's taken till now to realize it, but you are a bully.
Doris Sylvester: I am not!
Sue Sylvester: Mother, I cannot remember a conversation with you where I didn't walk away feeling worse about myself.
Doris Sylvester: Well, you know what, Susan? I'm disappointed in you.
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry to say, Mother, you are no longer invited to my wedding.
Doris Sylvester: What about my song?
Sue Sylvester: You are welcome to sing "The Sound of Silence" in your hotel room right now.
Doris Sylvester: All right. And to think I was going to send you to Israel for your honeymoon. They love me there.
Jean Sylvester: You look beautiful.
Sue Sylvester: You're beautiful.



Sam Evans: Hi.
Quinn Fabray: Arnica twice a day. It'll help your bruise.
Sam Evans: Thanks.
Quinn Fabray: I've been thinking a lot about what you did for Kurt. It made a real impact.
Sam Evans: I thought the only impact that was made was Karofsky's fist impacting my face.
Quinn Fabray: You saw what Finn did at the wedding. That was because of you. We've been talking this whole time, and you haven't even noticed that I'm wearing your ring.
Sam Evans: How'd you get that?
Quinn Fabray: I broke into your locker. I've always been really handy with a nail file.
Sam Evans: Really?
Quinn Fabray: Mm-hmm.
Sam Evans: Yes!



Carole Hudson: This is absolutely unacceptable.
Burt Hummel: This psycho threatens my kid's life, and some school board made up of a bunch of people I've never met tells me there's nothing they can do about it?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, they could do something about it. They just decided not to. No one reported witnessing him being violent, and there's no way to prove that he threatened you with violence. The school board president issued a verbal warning to Karofsky, and that's where we stand.
Kurt Hummel: I can't go back to being terrified all the time. I jump every time a locker slams shut. I flinch whenever I turn the corner. I don't feel safe at the school.
Sue Sylvester: Kids who bully, for the most part, have been bullied themselves. And I for one don't flatter myself that that behavior can change. Now this kid Karofsky isn't gonna all of a sudden be nice to you, and I won't stand by unable to do anything about it. Effective noon tomorrow, Figgins is back in charge as I've tendered my resignation as principal in protest. I can't help you behind that desk, but I can be an extra pair of eyes out in those hallways. Someone ought to have your back. Besides, I miss my office. This room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin.



Kurt Hummel: Well, I guess I'll try to enjoy the rest of the day, before the terror starts anew. I'll see you at home.
Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt. Wait up a second. There's something we want to talk to you about.



Will Schuester: Come on, guys. The wedding was great, but we have got to get ready for Sectionals next week. Kurt, good, I want to talk to you about this amazing idea I had for a solo for you at Sectionals.
Kurt Hummel: Can I make an announcement first?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn. It's nice to know that I have great friends here as well as a true brother. Which is why it's so hard for me to leave.
Quinn Fabray: What do you mean, "Leave?"
Kurt Hummel: I'm transferring to Dalton Academy... immediately. My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Kurt, you can't leave.
Finn Hudson: What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Finn, but there's nothing to talk about. Karofsky's coming back tomorrow, so that means I won't be.
Sam Evans: We can protect you.
Noah Puckerman: Seriously, we can, like, form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: The only thing that can really protect me is what they have a zero tolerance, no- bullying policy. It's enforced.
Rachel Berry: Um, does that mean you're gonna be competing against us at Sectionals?
Mercedes Jones: Kurt...
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. I have to go.
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209. Special Education

放送日:2010年11月30日


Emma Pillsbury: House seats to sectionals.
Will Schuester: Those things are hard to come by. Scalpers are getting, like, five bucks for them. I however, as coach of one of the competing teams, get two, and I would be honored if you would be my plus one. I mean, you being at sectionals is-is kind of a good luck charm for us.
Emma Pillsbury: I would love to.
Will Schuester: I mean, not that we're gonna need any talismans. I have a killer set list planned. First...
Emma Pillsbury: No, let me guess. Finn and Rachel are gonna do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note.
Will Schuester: Have you been going through my desk?
Emma Pillsbury: It's what you always do.
Will Schuester: Every team tries to showcase their strongest players.
Emma Pillsbury: Look, just seeing your kids do the rocky horror thing really reminded me of how much talent you've got in Glee club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. Look, I'm sure that you know what you're doing; I'm not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favorites for sectionals, you won your sectional last year. It's just, I don't know, you guys used to be the underdogs. Now you're a real team, which is wonderful. You're a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright. I've said too much.
Will Schuester: No. You said just enough.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I have an announcement. I've selected the perfect moving ballad for Finn and I to sing to launch our performance at sectionals.
Will Schuester: Me first. Two things: First, our competition at sectionals are your classic stool choirs. Great voices, but they don't move. Now, if we're gonna beat them, we need to do what they can't: Dance. Which is why I've decided to feature Brittany and Mike Chang's sweet moves in our performance.
Rachel Berry: Wait, they're gonna dance in front of me while I sing my solo?
Will Schuester: You're not getting a solo for this competition, Rachel.
Mercedes Jones: Finally. So what song do I get to sing?
Will Schuester: I was thinking that the winners of our duets competitions would take the leads.
Rachel Berry: Ken and Barbie? A-are you trying to throw this?
Quinn Fabray: You used to be just sort of unlikable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth.
Will Schuester: Okay, listen, I have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but, frankly, I haven't walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I'm gonna highlight it.
Rachel Berry: Do something!
Finn Hudson: Look, I'm all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out - before the big game.
Rachel Berry: Yep.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Easy to say when you're the star quarterback.
Finn Hudson: This isn't just about me, this is about the team.
Santana Lopez: You are such a hypocrite.
Rachel Berry: Like you even know what that means.
Santana Lopez: It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit.
Rachel Berry: You know what, ever since the wedding, you've been up my butt, and I'm sick of it!
Finn Hudson: Come on, Rachel, she's not worth it.
Santana Lopez: Oh, really? 'Cause that's not what you thought last year in that motel room. That's right, Yentl, your sweetheart... he's been lying to you. 'Cause he and I totally got it on last year.
Will Schuester: Okay, enough already. No more conversations about this, or-or anything. This is our plan for sectionals, and that is that. Mike, Brittany, come on up, let's start choreographing.



Wesley Montgomery: And now let's welcome the newest addition to the warblers, Kurt Hummel. And our oldest tradition for our newest warbler, an actual warbler.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, meet Pavarotti.
Wesley Montgomery: This bird is a member of an unbroken line of canaries who have been at Dalton since 1891. It's your job to take care of him so he can live to carry on the warbler legacy. Protect him. That bird is your voice.
Kurt Hummel: Hey, I'll bring him to work with me. Weekends I volunteer at a stray cat rescue. It's at the bottom of a coal mine. That was a joke. I-I don't, I don't work at a coal mine.
Wesley Montgomery: Let the council come to order. Today we discuss the set list for sectionals.
Kurt Hummel: Council?
Blaine Anderson: We don't have a director. Every year, we elect three upperclassmen to lead the group. But don't worry, we all get a say.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, fantastic. I have a lot of ideas. Warblers, if I may? Now, I can't deny that the warblers' vocals are absolutely dreamy. But I believe our set for sectionals this year should have a little more showbiz panache. I think we should open with "Rio" by Duran Duran.
David Thompson: Uh, the council is responsible for song selection.
Wesley Montgomery: But we appreciate your enthusiasm, Kurt. It'll come in handy one day when you're sitting behind this desk. Now, I propose we do our entire set at sectionals in eight-part harmony.



Rachel Berry: Just tell me if it's true.
Finn Hudson: I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you the truth, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kind of scary.
Rachel Berry: Don't you see how it's ten times worse now? Why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma Pillsbury: Don't answer that.
Rachel Berry: My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Rachel Berry: We need your help. Uh, that's why I set up this counseling session.
Emma Pillsbury: You're both in Glee. Why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs. Right, let's do plan B. We'll start with you, Finn. Why did you lie to Rachel?
Finn Hudson: I didn't want to hurt her.
Rachel Berry: Then why did you do it with her?
Finn Hudson: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't...
Rachel Berry: Was it because she's hot?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, sure, she's super hot, but, um, that's...
Rachel Berry: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I'm not a therapist, but no. Um, maybe you should storm out.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Is there anything else you want to talk about?



Artie Abrams: What are you doing? We've been looking for you all day.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really, really have to pee.
Artie Abrams: What are you afraid of? You're gonna be featured at sectionals. You should be happy.
Brittany S. Pierce: I can't handle the pressure. I know I'm more talented than all of you... Britney Spears taught me that. It's just, I can't have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.
Artie Abrams: B-but we all know you can do it.
Brittany S. Pierce: And I know that I can't. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.
Artie Abrams: It's really too bad I... I can't give you my magic comb.
Brittany S. Pierce: What's a magic comb?
Artie Abrams: You've never heard of a magic comb?
Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-mm.
Artie Abrams: You comb your hair with it, and you can't lose. I'd give you mine, but I need it. Wait. Since you're going to dance the lead at sectionals, you win, I win.
Brittany S. Pierce: Please, can I have the magic comb?
Artie Abrams: Here.
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, thank you so much. You really are the best boyfriend ever.
Artie Abrams: We're gonna win this thing 'cause of you.



Noah Puckerman: All I can say is I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I wasn't alone.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that because if I did, I'd be down to ten Glee club members, which as you probably remember from the rule book is two less than what we need to compete at sectionals.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not big on reading rule books. Well, I'm not big on reading.
Will Schuester: Kurt's gone, and he's not coming back. We need a 12th member. Now, I always go to Rachel and Finn in these situations, but you might be the most well- known kid in this entire school.
Noah Puckerman: There's a method to my madness.
Will Schuester: I want you to use that madness to recruit a new member. Glee needs you to be its ambassador.
Noah Puckerman: More like its am-bad-ass-ador. But what's in it for me?
Will Schuester: You love the Glee club. We get a new member and we win, you get to keep doing what you love.
Noah Puckerman: You can count on me, Mr. Schue.



Blaine Anderson: Hey, Kurt, wait up! I saw that Glee club was hard for you today, seeing your ideas shot down like that.
Kurt Hummel: It's just a different energy in there. Not better or worse, just something I'll have to get used to.
Blaine Anderson: We recognize that. And we have a tradition at this school of rewarding a student with a good attitude. So, we would like to invite you to audition for a solo.
Kurt Hummel: For sectionals?
Blaine Anderson: For sectionals. Sing something good.



Noah Puckerman: All right, listen up.
Azimio Adams: Are you gonna light your farts on fire again? Because I'm a major fan.
Noah Puckerman: I want to talk to you guys. About Bruce Springsteen.
Dave Karofsky: Is this going somewhere?
Noah Puckerman: Don't push me, Karofsky. You forced my boy Kurt out of here, and juvie or no, you're already number one on my list to go all death star on. Anyways, so Bruce is destined to go blue collar his whole life, but instead, he goes and buys an old strat from a pawn shop and just starts wailing on it, starts putting all the pain and the promises and the dreams into that music, and the next thing he knows, he's on the cover of time and newsweek in the same week. Those are magazines.
Azimio Adams: Not to seem redundant, but is this going somewhere?
Noah Puckerman: Glee club, dudes. It's time to join up.
Azimio Adams: Sign up for Glee club? Why don't you come to my church on Sunday and get some of my cousins to sign up for the klan?
Noah Puckerman: Glee club is cool.
Dave Karofsky: Glee club is most definitely not cool. Clearly we need to reinstate the 10:00 A.M. slushie. I say we make an example of him.
Azimio Adams: I say you're right. Get him! Get him!
Noah Puckerman: Not the face! Not the face!



Santana Lopez: Where's puck? I haven't seen him since yesterday, and I need him to get me a churro.
Mercedes Jones: My guess is he'd rather quit Glee club than lose sectionals, and I can't blame him. Our set's gonna be real light on the Mercedes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm telling you, if the warblers win sectionals, it's only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap.
Brittany S. Pierce: If we lose, we should throw possums.
Will Schuester: Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel Berry: I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting. My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it.
Will Schuester: Take that off! I'm tired of this, Rachel. You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'm upset! I'm furious about this! About a couple of things, actually.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you know, you could also make the choice to be happy that we're a part of a Glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There's an awful lot of "me" talk going around. "What's in it for me? What solo am I gonna sing?" Now, when we go to sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the hipsters, we'll cheer on Kurt and the warblers. And if they win, we will congratulate them. Because that's who we are.
Artie Abrams: Dude, where have you been?
Lauren Zizes: I found him in a porta potty.



Noah Puckerman: I was trying to find Kurt's replacement for sectionals. I was trapped in that porta potty for 24 hours. Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me! Are you an angel?
Lauren Zizes: Screw you.
Noah Puckerman: So I asked her if she wanted to join.
Lauren Zizes: Here are my conditions: A carton of Cadbury eggs. Good luck finding them. They're not in season. And I want seven minutes in heaven... with you.



Noah Puckerman: I have to say, she kinda rocked my world.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, um, well, looks like we're back in business! Let's all welcome our newest member, Ms. Lauren Zizes. Puck, nice work. We owe you one.



Santana Lopez: Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?
Noah Puckerman: You okay?
Rachel Berry: Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?
Noah Puckerman: Look, after six hours in that port-o-john, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it to just Jews.
Rachel Berry: It's Finn.
Noah Puckerman: Boyfriend troubles? I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me.
Rachel Berry: Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger.
Noah Puckerman: It's the steroids.



Tina Cohen-Chang: We have a big problem.
Artie Abrams: Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I have no choice. Mike Chang likes cheerleaders. You of all people should know. He's having an affair with Brittany.
Artie Abrams: What? You crazy.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You haven't noticed her ignoring you lately?
Artie Abrams: Not really. It's shark week.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're inseparable.
Artie Abrams: They're doing a number together at sectionals. They've been rehearsing.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? Just rehearsing? Exhibit A. I kissed him, and it tasted like lip smackers. You know who wears lip smackers? Brittany.
Artie Abrams: And she doesn't mind sharing. I love borrowing her lip smackers. It's like candy for your lips.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Don't be naive, Artie. She's a cheerleader, he's a football player. You and I never had a chance at either of them.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Rachel. I've been looking for you.
Rachel Berry: Don't bother spying on me to get a leg up, because the only solos that I'm getting for sectionals are in my mind.
Kurt Hummel: Actually, I was hoping you could help me. I've been sitting in my car for over an hour waiting for Karofsky to make a Mickey D's run. I've been invited to audition for a solo.
Rachel Berry: Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now.
Kurt Hummel: Because even though we hate each other, we've had our moments, and I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.
Rachel Berry: Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I'll give you a couple of tips. So, what did you, uh, have in mind?
Kurt Hummel: I've settled on Celine Dion's classic "my heart will go on."
Rachel Berry: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Kurt Hummel: No?
Rachel Berry: Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Rachel Berry: I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets.
Kurt Hummel: That's insane.
Rachel Berry: Clearly no one in the Glee club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am, but it being too late? And there's only one song that expresses those feelings. I'm sure that it's in here somewhere.
Kurt Hummel: Oh...
Rachel Berry: # It won't be easy #
# You'll think it strange #
# When I try to explain how I feel #
# That I still need your love #
# After all that I've done #
# You won't believe me #
# All you will see is the girl you once knew #
# Although she's dressed up to the nines #
# At sixes and sevens with you #
# I had to let it happen, I had to change... #
Kurt Hummel: # Couldn't stay all my life down at heel #
# Looking out of the window #
# Staying out of the sun #
# So I chose freedom #
# Running around, trying everything new #
Rachel Berry: # But nothing impressed me #
# At all #
# I never expected it to... #
Kurt Hummel: # Don't cry for me, Argentina #
# The truth is #
# I never left you #
Rachel Berry: # All through my wild days #
# My mad existence #
# I kept my promise #
Kurt Hummel: # Don't keep your distance #
# Don't cry for me, Argentina #
Rachel Berry: # The truth is, I never left you #
# All through my wild days #
Kurt Hummel: # My mad existence #
Rachel Berry: # I kept my promise #
Kurt Hummel: # Don't keep your distance #
Rachel Berry: # Have I said too much? #
Kurt Hummel: # There's nothing more I can think of #
# To say to you #
# But all you have to do #
Rachel Berry: # Is look at me to know #
Kurt & Rachel: # That every word #
# Is true... #



Kurt Hummel: So how many times have you guys auditioned?
Nick Duval: Three.
Jeff Sterling: Six.
Blaine Anderson: Hey, guys. Nick, Jeff, congrats, you're moving on.
Nick Duval: Thank you.
Blaine Anderson: Congratulations.
Jeff Sterling: Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: Any sage advice?
Blaine Anderson: Don't try so hard next time.
Kurt Hummel: I didn't realize that caring was frowned upon.
Blaine Anderson: I don't know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's about being part of the team.
Kurt Hummel: I guess I'm just used to having to scream to get noticed.
Blaine Anderson: You're not going to make it as a warbler if all you care about is getting noticed.
Kurt Hummel: You're right, I'm sorry.
Blaine Anderson: I know it's going to take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough, I promise.



Artie Abrams: How's the number for sectionals coming?
Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. Um, yeah, it's good.
Artie Abrams: Wait, do you maybe want to see a movie tonight?
Brittany S. Pierce: Uh, I can't, I have rehearsal with Mike.
Artie Abrams: Well, how about a latte tomorrow morning?
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, I can't, and I can't talk right now either. I have to go rehearse. I'm really, really sorry.



Emma Pillsbury: Hey. Something wrong?
Will Schuester: I'm beginning to think my new directions for the new directions was a terrible idea.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no.
Will Schuester: We're off to sectionals, and I have... I've never seen the kids so out of sync. You look great, though. Ready to go?
Emma Pillsbury: I can't.
Will Schuester: Why?
Emma Pillsbury: I didn't tell Carl I was going with you. Ever since rocky horror he's had some issues with you, you know, with us spending time together, and, um, actually, it was counseling Finn and Rachel that made me realize that sometimes the withholding of the truth can make someone fellas bad as lying, so I told him the truth last night and we had a big fight. Then we made up and... then he told me that he loved me... And then I told him that I love him back.
Will Schuester: Well, we're going to miss our good luck charm.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, not that I really care, but if we don't leave now, we're going to miss the competition.
Emma Pillsbury: Good luck.
Will Schuester: Okay. Yeah, thanks.



Rachel Berry: Then go down to 7-Eleven and get some. I need raisinets.
Kurt Hummel: Carb loading?
Rachel Berry: Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place and she won't go on unless she gets her damn candy. She's a warm body. Hey, did you, uh, get your solo?
Kurt Hummel: Sadly, no.
Rachel Berry: Oh, wow, if you didn't get a solo, then they must be really good. We are doomed. Sorry, that was selfish. What I meant to say was, "wow, that, that really sucks. I'm, I'm sure you were really good."
Kurt Hummel: I was... I mean, I think I was. Being in the warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. What has become of us, Kurt? So do you miss us?
Kurt Hummel: I do. Being a warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down.
Rachel Berry: It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore and we all get it.
Kurt Hummel: How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?
Rachel Berry: Because you were my only real competition.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm, yeah, true.
Rachel Berry: Aw...
Kurt Hummel: So how's Finn? I feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since the wedding.
Rachel Berry: I haven't really talked to him much either. I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, you didn't know about that?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, they're calling places.
Kurt Hummel: Hey. Thanks again, Rachel.



The Hipsters: # Every generation #
# Blames the one before #
# And all of their frustrations #
# Come beating on your door #
# I know that I'm a prisoner #
# To all my father held so dear #
# I know that I'm a hostage #
# To all his hopes and fears #
# I just wish I could have told him #
# In the living years #
# Say it, say it, say it loud #
# Say it loud #
# Say it clear... #
# Say it, say it, say it #
# You can listen You can listen #
# As well as you hear As well as you can hear #
# Hey, you got to realize that it's true #
# Come on, come on Say it loud #
# Say it, say it, say it Say it loud #
# Say it clear Say... #
# Say it. #
Announcer: And now, for our second performance of the program, from Dalton academy in Westerville, the warblers.
Blaine Anderson: # Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey #
# Tonight #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
# Hey Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey... hey... hey... #
Blaine Anderson: # Your lipstick stains #
# On the front lobe of my left-side brain #
# I knew I wouldn't forget you #
# And so I went #
# And let you blow my mind #
The Warblers: # Let you blow my mind #
Blaine Anderson: # Your sweet moonbeam #
# The smell of you #
# In every single dream I dream #
# I knew when we collided #
# You're the one I have decided #
# Who's one of my kind #
The Warblers: # One of my kind #
Blaine Anderson: # Hey, soul sister #
# Ain't that Mr. mister on the radio? #
# Stereo #
# The way you move #
# Ain't fair, you know #
# Hey, soul sister #
# I don't want to miss #
# A single thing you do #
The Warblers: # Oh, tonight #
Blaine Anderson: # The way you can cut a rug #
# Watching you's the only drug I need #
# So gangsta, I'm so thug #
# You're the only one I'm dreaming of #
# You see, I can be myself now finally #
# In fact, there's nothing I can't be #
# Nothing I can't be I want the world to see #
# You'll be with me #
# Hey, soul sister Ooh #
# Ain't that Mr. mister on the radio? #
# Stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know #
# Hey, soul sister #
# I don't want to miss a single thing you do #
# Miss a thing #
# Tonight #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
Blaine Anderson: # Hey Hey #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
Blaine Anderson: # Tonight Hey #
# Hey #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
Blaine Anderson: # Hey #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #



Lauren Zizes: These costumes are causing some unmentionable chafing.
Sam Evans: Are you okay?
Quinn Fabray: No. I'm totally freaking out. Last time we performed in front of an audience, I went into labor. I think I'm having post traumatic stress disorder.
Mercedes Jones: FYI, I'm totally available to fill in.
Artie Abrams: Nowhere to run. From me or your lies. I hope they judge us on dancing and adultery, because you're aces at both of them.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't understand how you found out. I am so stupid. I can't believe I did it. I've never felt more awful about anything in my life.
Mike Chang: What's Artie all worked up about?
Tina Cohen-Chang: You are such a jerk.
Rachel Berry: You told Kurt?
Finn Hudson: I don't remember. Maybe.
Mercedes Jones: About Finn and Santana? No. I think I told him.
Rachel Berry: Who told you?
Quinn Fabray: Me. I think Brittany told me. Or maybe it was Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, it was me.
Rachel Berry: Everybody knew about this but me?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Pretty much.
Santana Lopez: Nobody tells you anything because A, you're a blabber mouth and B, we all just pretend to like you.
Noah Puckerman: That's not true. I kind of like her.
Finn Hudson: Look, Rachel, when this all happened, you were dating another guy, so you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine. I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all.
Rachel Berry: Oh, who are you right now?
Lauren Zizes: Best... green room... ever.
Rachel Berry: You know what? You guys are going to have to find somebody else to mindlessly harmonize in the background, because I'm not going onstage with him.
Artie Abrams: Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittany.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Me, either.
Will Schuester: Enough! Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room. No set list, no choreography. No chance in hell of winning, but you did win. Because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes, remind yourselves that you're not alone. All right. Show time!



Artie Abrams: Just tell me why you would cheat on me.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. Why would I cheat on you? Is this, like, a mad lib, or something?
Artie Abrams: You cheated on me with Mike. You admitted it to me in the green room.
Brittany S. Pierce: When?
Artie Abrams: When I was accusing you of adultery.
Brittany S. Pierce: What does that have to do with me cheating?
Artie Abrams: "Adultery" means cheating.
Brittany S. Pierce: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt. I didn't cheat on you. I did something much worse. I lost your magic comb. I don't know what happened. I had it in my pocket. And then I went to motocross practice, and then, when I left, it was gone. That's why I've been avoiding you. I was so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance of winning, the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn't want to let you down, Artie.
Artie Abrams: That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.
Brittany S. Pierce: And you let me comb my hair with it?
Artie Abrams: You don't need a magic comb. You're magic, Brittany... the way you move... And I just should have told you that in the first place, and I'm sorry.
Brittany S. Pierce: When I'm out there dancing today, it won't be for the team or for the crowd. It will be for you.
Noah Puckerman: What are you doing?
Lauren Zizes: I'm a wrestler. This is how I get psyched up for competition.
Noah Puckerman: Listen, you don't have to be nervous. You saved my life. I've got your back.
Lauren Zizes: Oh, I'm not nervous. You know why?
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Lauren Zizes: Because show choir is stupid.
Announcer: And now for our final performance of the program... from McKinley high, the new directions!
Quinn Fabray: What?
Sam Evans: You look beautiful.
# Now I've had the time of my life #
New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #
Sam Evans: # No, I've never felt like this before #
# Yes, I swear it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #
Quinn Fabray: # 'Cause I've had the time of my life #
# And I owe it all to you #
Sam Evans: # I've been waiting for so long #
# And now I finally found someone #
# To stand by me #
New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #
Quinn Fabray: # We saw the writing on the wall #
# As we felt this magical fantasy #
Sam & Quinn: # Now with passion in our eyes #
# There's no way we could disguise it secretly #
New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #
Sam & Quinn: # So we take each other's hand #
# 'Cause we seem to understand the urgency #
Quinn Fabray: # Oh #
Sam Evans: # Just remember #
Quinn Fabray: # You're the one thing #
Sam Evans: # I can't get enough of #
New Directions: # I can't get enough of #
Quinn Fabray: # So I'll tell you something #
Sam & Quinn: # This could be love #
# Because I've had the time of my life #
# No, I never felt like this before #
# Never felt this way #
# Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #
New Directions: # Ba ba ba ba ba ba #
# Ba ba ba ba ba ba #
# Ba ba ba ba #
Sam Evans: # Now I've had the time of my life #
Quinn Fabray: # I've #
Sam Evans: # No, I never felt this way before #
Quinn Fabray: # Never felt this way #
Sam Evans: # Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #
Sam & Quinn: # Oh, I had the time of my life #
# No, I never felt like this before "
Santana Lopez: # Never felt this way #
Sam & Quinn: # Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
Mercedes Jones: # It's the truth #
Sam & Quinn: # And I owe it all to you #
Santana Lopez: # Well, sometimes I go out by myself #
# And I look across the water #
# And I think of all the things, what you're doing #
# And in my head, I paint a picture #
# 'Cause since I've come on home #
# Well, my body's been a mess #
# And I miss your ginger hair #
# And the way you like to dress #
# Oh, won't you come on over? #
# Stop making a fool out of me #
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie? #
# Valerie... #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Valerie, Valerie #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Well, sometimes #
# I go out by myself and I look across the water #
# And I think of all the things, what you're doing #
# And in my head I paint a picture #
# 'Cause since I've come on home Ah, ah... #
# Well, my body's been a mess #
# And I've missed your ginger hair #
# And the way you like to dress #
# Ah, ah... Won't you come on over? #
# Stop makin' a fool out of me #
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie? #
# Valerie... #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Valerie, Valerie #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Why don't you come on over Valerie? #



Announcer: And now, this year's head judge, associate director of the Ohio department of motor vehicles, Mr. Pete Sosnowski.
Pete Sosnowski: Thank you. And thank you to all the groups who performed here today. We all had a serious good time. You know what else is a serious good time? Taking two minutes to save a life by filling out an organ donor card. Because it's never too late to donate. Drum roll, please. In third place... The hipsters! Thank you. Drive carefully. And now, the winner of this year's west-central sectional is... It's a tie. Congratulations! You're all going to the regionals!
Blaine Anderson: Congratulations.
Will Schuester: Oh, nice work. See you at regionals.
Finn Hudson: We get to go on.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.



Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: You okay?
Emma Pillsbury: Is that it? Is that your trophy?
Will Schuester: Yeah, this is it.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow.
Will Schuester: We won.
Emma Pillsbury: I know. I heard. It's exciting. Congratulations.
Will Schuester: Thanks.
Emma Pillsbury: I wanted to call you, but I, uh...
Will Schuester: Emma, it's cool.
Emma Pillsbury: Guess you didn't need your good luck charm, after all.
Will Schuester: You were missed.
Emma Pillsbury: I need to tell you about my weekend.
Will Schuester: I think I'd rather not hear all the details.
Emma Pillsbury: Carl took me to Vegas...
Will Schuester: Why are you telling me this? Is-is that an engagement ring?
Emma Pillsbury: It's a wedding ring, actually.
Will Schuester: I... I... I'm happy for you.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, I...
Will Schuester: Let's just... leave it at that, hmm?



Rachel Berry: When we first started Glee club, I told Mr. Schuester that being a part of something special makes you special, and I don't know, I just... I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But winning that way at sectionals... it really reminded me of it.
Finn Hudson: Are we a part of something special... you and me?
Rachel Berry: Yes.
Finn Hudson: I love you. No more lying... ever.
Rachel Berry: There's, um, something that I-I need to tell you. Last week, when... when we were fighting, I was... I was so mad at you and I was... I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt.



Rachel Berry: Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?
Noah Puckerman: I did this to Finn once before. I-I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go.



Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry, and-and it will never, ever happen again.
Finn Hudson: I knew you were a lot of things, Rachel, and I loved you because and in spite of all of them, but... I never thought you were mean.
Rachel Berry: I'm saying that I'm sorry. And doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?
Finn Hudson: We weren't together. I didn't cheat on you. How could you do this to me?
Rachel Berry: It was a mistake. Well, maybe we should go to another counseling session with miss Pillsbury.
Finn Hudson: Can't have couple's counseling if you're not a couple.
Rachel Berry: You're breaking up with me?
Finn Hudson: What you did was really bad, Rachel. And you knew how sensitive I'd be about this after what happened with Quinn.
Rachel Berry: You said you'd never break up with me.
Finn Hudson: I never thought you'd make me feel like this.



Blaine Anderson: I got your text. What's wrong?
Kurt Hummel: It's Pavarotti. I think he's sick. I've been taking good care of him, but he-he won't sing, and-and he's losing his feathers.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, he's just molting. He's growing a new coat of feathers, so his body has to shut down a little. But don't worry about it. He's got food, water, he seems to like his cage. Just give it a little while. He'll be singing again in no time. Don't forget. Warbler practice tonight at 5:00. Regionals, here we come.



Mike Chang: You changed your look.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, this is more me. I'm sorry I doubted you, Mike.
Mike Chang: Asian kiss?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Asian kiss.
Will Schuester: Congratulations, guys. It wasn't pretty, but we're moving on. And I, for one, am going to be happy to have regionals and nationals to focus on.
Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue, we heard the news about miss Pillsbury marrying the finest dentist alive.
Will Schuester: It's all right. We don't need to talk about it. Now... I know we've had our, um... Our dramas this week, but our family's back in a happy place, and I think we should celebrate the best way we know how. Rachel... so how would you like to solo?
Rachel Berry: Thanks, but, um, I don't really feel like a solo right now. I-I'd like to defer to this week's two unsung heroes, Mercedes and Tina.
Mercedes Jones: Well, don't have to ask me twice.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # Happiness hit her like a train #
# On a track #
Mercedes Jones: # Coming towards her #
# Stuck, still no turning back #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # She hid around corners, and she hid under beds #
Mercedes Jones: # She killed it #
# With kisses, and from it she fled #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# The horses are coming, so you better run #
Mercedes & Tina: # Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father #
# Run for your children #
# For your sisters and your brothers #
# Leave all your love and your loving behind #
# You can't carry it with you if you want to survive #
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# Can't you hear the horses? #
# 'Cause here they come. #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # And I never wanted anything from you. #
# Except everything you had, #
# And what was left after that too. Oh! #
Mercedes & Tina: # Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father #
# Run for your children #
# For your sisters and your brothers #
# Leave all your love and your loving behind #
# You can't carry it with you if you want to survive #
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# Can't you hear the horses? #
# 'Cause here they come.
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# The horses are comin', #
# So you'd better run. #


Emma Pillsbury: House seats to sectionals.
Will Schuester: Those things are hard to come by. Scalpers are getting, like, five bucks for them. I however, as coach of one of the competing teams, get two, and I would be honored if you would be my plus one. I mean, you being at sectionals is-is kind of a good luck charm for us.
Emma Pillsbury: I would love to.
Will Schuester: I mean, not that we're gonna need any talismans. I have a killer set list planned. First...
Emma Pillsbury: No, let me guess. Finn and Rachel are gonna do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note.
Will Schuester: Have you been going through my desk?
Emma Pillsbury: It's what you always do.
Will Schuester: Every team tries to showcase their strongest players.
Emma Pillsbury: Look, just seeing your kids do the rocky horror thing really reminded me of how much talent you've got in Glee club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. Look, I'm sure that you know what you're doing; I'm not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favorites for sectionals, you won your sectional last year. It's just, I don't know, you guys used to be the underdogs. Now you're a real team, which is wonderful. You're a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright. I've said too much.
Will Schuester: No. You said just enough.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I have an announcement. I've selected the perfect moving ballad for Finn and I to sing to launch our performance at sectionals.
Will Schuester: Me first. Two things: First, our competition at sectionals are your classic stool choirs. Great voices, but they don't move. Now, if we're gonna beat them, we need to do what they can't: Dance. Which is why I've decided to feature Brittany and Mike Chang's sweet moves in our performance.
Rachel Berry: Wait, they're gonna dance in front of me while I sing my solo?
Will Schuester: You're not getting a solo for this competition, Rachel.
Mercedes Jones: Finally. So what song do I get to sing?
Will Schuester: I was thinking that the winners of our duets competitions would take the leads.
Rachel Berry: Ken and Barbie? A-are you trying to throw this?
Quinn Fabray: You used to be just sort of unlikable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth.
Will Schuester: Okay, listen, I have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but, frankly, I haven't walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I'm gonna highlight it.
Rachel Berry: Do something!
Finn Hudson: Look, I'm all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out - before the big game.
Rachel Berry: Yep.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Easy to say when you're the star quarterback.
Finn Hudson: This isn't just about me, this is about the team.
Santana Lopez: You are such a hypocrite.
Rachel Berry: Like you even know what that means.
Santana Lopez: It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit.
Rachel Berry: You know what, ever since the wedding, you've been up my butt, and I'm sick of it!
Finn Hudson: Come on, Rachel, she's not worth it.
Santana Lopez: Oh, really? 'Cause that's not what you thought last year in that motel room. That's right, Yentl, your sweetheart... he's been lying to you. 'Cause he and I totally got it on last year.
Will Schuester: Okay, enough already. No more conversations about this, or-or anything. This is our plan for sectionals, and that is that. Mike, Brittany, come on up, let's start choreographing.



Wesley Montgomery: And now let's welcome the newest addition to the warblers, Kurt Hummel. And our oldest tradition for our newest warbler, an actual warbler.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, meet Pavarotti.
Wesley Montgomery: This bird is a member of an unbroken line of canaries who have been at Dalton since 1891. It's your job to take care of him so he can live to carry on the warbler legacy. Protect him. That bird is your voice.
Kurt Hummel: Hey, I'll bring him to work with me. Weekends I volunteer at a stray cat rescue. It's at the bottom of a coal mine. That was a joke. I-I don't, I don't work at a coal mine.
Wesley Montgomery: Let the council come to order. Today we discuss the set list for sectionals.
Kurt Hummel: Council?
Blaine Anderson: We don't have a director. Every year, we elect three upperclassmen to lead the group. But don't worry, we all get a say.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, fantastic. I have a lot of ideas. Warblers, if I may? Now, I can't deny that the warblers' vocals are absolutely dreamy. But I believe our set for sectionals this year should have a little more showbiz panache. I think we should open with "Rio" by Duran Duran.
David Thompson: Uh, the council is responsible for song selection.
Wesley Montgomery: But we appreciate your enthusiasm, Kurt. It'll come in handy one day when you're sitting behind this desk. Now, I propose we do our entire set at sectionals in eight-part harmony.



Rachel Berry: Just tell me if it's true.
Finn Hudson: I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you the truth, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kind of scary.
Rachel Berry: Don't you see how it's ten times worse now? Why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma Pillsbury: Don't answer that.
Rachel Berry: My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Rachel Berry: We need your help. Uh, that's why I set up this counseling session.
Emma Pillsbury: You're both in Glee. Why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs. Right, let's do plan B. We'll start with you, Finn. Why did you lie to Rachel?
Finn Hudson: I didn't want to hurt her.
Rachel Berry: Then why did you do it with her?
Finn Hudson: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't...
Rachel Berry: Was it because she's hot?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, sure, she's super hot, but, um, that's...
Rachel Berry: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I'm not a therapist, but no. Um, maybe you should storm out.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Is there anything else you want to talk about?



Artie Abrams: What are you doing? We've been looking for you all day.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really, really have to pee.
Artie Abrams: What are you afraid of? You're gonna be featured at sectionals. You should be happy.
Brittany S. Pierce: I can't handle the pressure. I know I'm more talented than all of you... Britney Spears taught me that. It's just, I can't have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.
Artie Abrams: B-but we all know you can do it.
Brittany S. Pierce: And I know that I can't. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.
Artie Abrams: It's really too bad I... I can't give you my magic comb.
Brittany S. Pierce: What's a magic comb?
Artie Abrams: You've never heard of a magic comb?
Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-mm.
Artie Abrams: You comb your hair with it, and you can't lose. I'd give you mine, but I need it. Wait. Since you're going to dance the lead at sectionals, you win, I win.
Brittany S. Pierce: Please, can I have the magic comb?
Artie Abrams: Here.
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, thank you so much. You really are the best boyfriend ever.
Artie Abrams: We're gonna win this thing 'cause of you.



Noah Puckerman: All I can say is I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I wasn't alone.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that because if I did, I'd be down to ten Glee club members, which as you probably remember from the rule book is two less than what we need to compete at sectionals.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not big on reading rule books. Well, I'm not big on reading.
Will Schuester: Kurt's gone, and he's not coming back. We need a 12th member. Now, I always go to Rachel and Finn in these situations, but you might be the most well- known kid in this entire school.
Noah Puckerman: There's a method to my madness.
Will Schuester: I want you to use that madness to recruit a new member. Glee needs you to be its ambassador.
Noah Puckerman: More like its am-bad-ass-ador. But what's in it for me?
Will Schuester: You love the Glee club. We get a new member and we win, you get to keep doing what you love.
Noah Puckerman: You can count on me, Mr. Schue.



Blaine Anderson: Hey, Kurt, wait up! I saw that Glee club was hard for you today, seeing your ideas shot down like that.
Kurt Hummel: It's just a different energy in there. Not better or worse, just something I'll have to get used to.
Blaine Anderson: We recognize that. And we have a tradition at this school of rewarding a student with a good attitude. So, we would like to invite you to audition for a solo.
Kurt Hummel: For sectionals?
Blaine Anderson: For sectionals. Sing something good.



Noah Puckerman: All right, listen up.
Azimio Adams: Are you gonna light your farts on fire again? Because I'm a major fan.
Noah Puckerman: I want to talk to you guys. About Bruce Springsteen.
Dave Karofsky: Is this going somewhere?
Noah Puckerman: Don't push me, Karofsky. You forced my boy Kurt out of here, and juvie or no, you're already number one on my list to go all death star on. Anyways, so Bruce is destined to go blue collar his whole life, but instead, he goes and buys an old strat from a pawn shop and just starts wailing on it, starts putting all the pain and the promises and the dreams into that music, and the next thing he knows, he's on the cover of time and newsweek in the same week. Those are magazines.
Azimio Adams: Not to seem redundant, but is this going somewhere?
Noah Puckerman: Glee club, dudes. It's time to join up.
Azimio Adams: Sign up for Glee club? Why don't you come to my church on Sunday and get some of my cousins to sign up for the klan?
Noah Puckerman: Glee club is cool.
Dave Karofsky: Glee club is most definitely not cool. Clearly we need to reinstate the 10:00 A.M. slushie. I say we make an example of him.
Azimio Adams: I say you're right. Get him! Get him!
Noah Puckerman: Not the face! Not the face!



Santana Lopez: Where's puck? I haven't seen him since yesterday, and I need him to get me a churro.
Mercedes Jones: My guess is he'd rather quit Glee club than lose sectionals, and I can't blame him. Our set's gonna be real light on the Mercedes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm telling you, if the warblers win sectionals, it's only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap.
Brittany S. Pierce: If we lose, we should throw possums.
Will Schuester: Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel Berry: I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting. My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it.
Will Schuester: Take that off! I'm tired of this, Rachel. You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'm upset! I'm furious about this! About a couple of things, actually.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you know, you could also make the choice to be happy that we're a part of a Glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There's an awful lot of "me" talk going around. "What's in it for me? What solo am I gonna sing?" Now, when we go to sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the hipsters, we'll cheer on Kurt and the warblers. And if they win, we will congratulate them. Because that's who we are.
Artie Abrams: Dude, where have you been?
Lauren Zizes: I found him in a porta potty.



Noah Puckerman: I was trying to find Kurt's replacement for sectionals. I was trapped in that porta potty for 24 hours. Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me! Are you an angel?
Lauren Zizes: Screw you.
Noah Puckerman: So I asked her if she wanted to join.
Lauren Zizes: Here are my conditions: A carton of Cadbury eggs. Good luck finding them. They're not in season. And I want seven minutes in heaven... with you.



Noah Puckerman: I have to say, she kinda rocked my world.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, um, well, looks like we're back in business! Let's all welcome our newest member, Ms. Lauren Zizes. Puck, nice work. We owe you one.



Santana Lopez: Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?
Noah Puckerman: You okay?
Rachel Berry: Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?
Noah Puckerman: Look, after six hours in that port-o-john, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it to just Jews.
Rachel Berry: It's Finn.
Noah Puckerman: Boyfriend troubles? I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me.
Rachel Berry: Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger.
Noah Puckerman: It's the steroids.



Tina Cohen-Chang: We have a big problem.
Artie Abrams: Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I have no choice. Mike Chang likes cheerleaders. You of all people should know. He's having an affair with Brittany.
Artie Abrams: What? You crazy.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You haven't noticed her ignoring you lately?
Artie Abrams: Not really. It's shark week.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're inseparable.
Artie Abrams: They're doing a number together at sectionals. They've been rehearsing.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? Just rehearsing? Exhibit A. I kissed him, and it tasted like lip smackers. You know who wears lip smackers? Brittany.
Artie Abrams: And she doesn't mind sharing. I love borrowing her lip smackers. It's like candy for your lips.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Don't be naive, Artie. She's a cheerleader, he's a football player. You and I never had a chance at either of them.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Rachel. I've been looking for you.
Rachel Berry: Don't bother spying on me to get a leg up, because the only solos that I'm getting for sectionals are in my mind.
Kurt Hummel: Actually, I was hoping you could help me. I've been sitting in my car for over an hour waiting for Karofsky to make a Mickey D's run. I've been invited to audition for a solo.
Rachel Berry: Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now.
Kurt Hummel: Because even though we hate each other, we've had our moments, and I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.
Rachel Berry: Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I'll give you a couple of tips. So, what did you, uh, have in mind?
Kurt Hummel: I've settled on Celine Dion's classic "my heart will go on."
Rachel Berry: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Kurt Hummel: No?
Rachel Berry: Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Rachel Berry: I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets.
Kurt Hummel: That's insane.
Rachel Berry: Clearly no one in the Glee club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am, but it being too late? And there's only one song that expresses those feelings. I'm sure that it's in here somewhere.
Kurt Hummel: Oh...
Rachel Berry: # It won't be easy #
# You'll think it strange #
# When I try to explain how I feel #
# That I still need your love #
# After all that I've done #
# You won't believe me #
# All you will see is the girl you once knew #
# Although she's dressed up to the nines #
# At sixes and sevens with you #
# I had to let it happen, I had to change... #
Kurt Hummel: # Couldn't stay all my life down at heel #
# Looking out of the window #
# Staying out of the sun #
# So I chose freedom #
# Running around, trying everything new #
Rachel Berry: # But nothing impressed me #
# At all #
# I never expected it to... #
Kurt Hummel: # Don't cry for me, Argentina #
# The truth is #
# I never left you #
Rachel Berry: # All through my wild days #
# My mad existence #
# I kept my promise #
Kurt Hummel: # Don't keep your distance #
# Don't cry for me, Argentina #
Rachel Berry: # The truth is, I never left you #
# All through my wild days #
Kurt Hummel: # My mad existence #
Rachel Berry: # I kept my promise #
Kurt Hummel: # Don't keep your distance #
Rachel Berry: # Have I said too much? #
Kurt Hummel: # There's nothing more I can think of #
# To say to you #
# But all you have to do #
Rachel Berry: # Is look at me to know #
Kurt & Rachel: # That every word #
# Is true... #



Kurt Hummel: So how many times have you guys auditioned?
Nick Duval: Three.
Jeff Sterling: Six.
Blaine Anderson: Hey, guys. Nick, Jeff, congrats, you're moving on.
Nick Duval: Thank you.
Blaine Anderson: Congratulations.
Jeff Sterling: Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: Any sage advice?
Blaine Anderson: Don't try so hard next time.
Kurt Hummel: I didn't realize that caring was frowned upon.
Blaine Anderson: I don't know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's about being part of the team.
Kurt Hummel: I guess I'm just used to having to scream to get noticed.
Blaine Anderson: You're not going to make it as a warbler if all you care about is getting noticed.
Kurt Hummel: You're right, I'm sorry.
Blaine Anderson: I know it's going to take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough, I promise.



Artie Abrams: How's the number for sectionals coming?
Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. Um, yeah, it's good.
Artie Abrams: Wait, do you maybe want to see a movie tonight?
Brittany S. Pierce: Uh, I can't, I have rehearsal with Mike.
Artie Abrams: Well, how about a latte tomorrow morning?
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, I can't, and I can't talk right now either. I have to go rehearse. I'm really, really sorry.



Emma Pillsbury: Hey. Something wrong?
Will Schuester: I'm beginning to think my new directions for the new directions was a terrible idea.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no.
Will Schuester: We're off to sectionals, and I have... I've never seen the kids so out of sync. You look great, though. Ready to go?
Emma Pillsbury: I can't.
Will Schuester: Why?
Emma Pillsbury: I didn't tell Carl I was going with you. Ever since rocky horror he's had some issues with you, you know, with us spending time together, and, um, actually, it was counseling Finn and Rachel that made me realize that sometimes the withholding of the truth can make someone fellas bad as lying, so I told him the truth last night and we had a big fight. Then we made up and... then he told me that he loved me... And then I told him that I love him back.
Will Schuester: Well, we're going to miss our good luck charm.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, not that I really care, but if we don't leave now, we're going to miss the competition.
Emma Pillsbury: Good luck.
Will Schuester: Okay. Yeah, thanks.



Rachel Berry: Then go down to 7-Eleven and get some. I need raisinets.
Kurt Hummel: Carb loading?
Rachel Berry: Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place and she won't go on unless she gets her damn candy. She's a warm body. Hey, did you, uh, get your solo?
Kurt Hummel: Sadly, no.
Rachel Berry: Oh, wow, if you didn't get a solo, then they must be really good. We are doomed. Sorry, that was selfish. What I meant to say was, "wow, that, that really sucks. I'm, I'm sure you were really good."
Kurt Hummel: I was... I mean, I think I was. Being in the warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. What has become of us, Kurt? So do you miss us?
Kurt Hummel: I do. Being a warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down.
Rachel Berry: It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore and we all get it.
Kurt Hummel: How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?
Rachel Berry: Because you were my only real competition.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm, yeah, true.
Rachel Berry: Aw...
Kurt Hummel: So how's Finn? I feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since the wedding.
Rachel Berry: I haven't really talked to him much either. I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, you didn't know about that?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, they're calling places.
Kurt Hummel: Hey. Thanks again, Rachel.



The Hipsters: # Every generation #
# Blames the one before #
# And all of their frustrations #
# Come beating on your door #
# I know that I'm a prisoner #
# To all my father held so dear #
# I know that I'm a hostage #
# To all his hopes and fears #
# I just wish I could have told him #
# In the living years #
# Say it, say it, say it loud #
# Say it loud #
# Say it clear... #
# Say it, say it, say it #
# You can listen You can listen #
# As well as you hear As well as you can hear #
# Hey, you got to realize that it's true #
# Come on, come on Say it loud #
# Say it, say it, say it Say it loud #
# Say it clear Say... #
# Say it. #
Announcer: And now, for our second performance of the program, from Dalton academy in Westerville, the warblers.
Blaine Anderson: # Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey #
# Tonight #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
# Hey Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey... hey... hey... #
Blaine Anderson: # Your lipstick stains #
# On the front lobe of my left-side brain #
# I knew I wouldn't forget you #
# And so I went #
# And let you blow my mind #
The Warblers: # Let you blow my mind #
Blaine Anderson: # Your sweet moonbeam #
# The smell of you #
# In every single dream I dream #
# I knew when we collided #
# You're the one I have decided #
# Who's one of my kind #
The Warblers: # One of my kind #
Blaine Anderson: # Hey, soul sister #
# Ain't that Mr. mister on the radio? #
# Stereo #
# The way you move #
# Ain't fair, you know #
# Hey, soul sister #
# I don't want to miss #
# A single thing you do #
The Warblers: # Oh, tonight #
Blaine Anderson: # The way you can cut a rug #
# Watching you's the only drug I need #
# So gangsta, I'm so thug #
# You're the only one I'm dreaming of #
# You see, I can be myself now finally #
# In fact, there's nothing I can't be #
# Nothing I can't be I want the world to see #
# You'll be with me #
# Hey, soul sister Ooh #
# Ain't that Mr. mister on the radio? #
# Stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know #
# Hey, soul sister #
# I don't want to miss a single thing you do #
# Miss a thing #
# Tonight #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
Blaine Anderson: # Hey Hey #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
Blaine Anderson: # Tonight Hey #
# Hey #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
Blaine Anderson: # Hey #
The Warblers: # Hey Hey #



Lauren Zizes: These costumes are causing some unmentionable chafing.
Sam Evans: Are you okay?
Quinn Fabray: No. I'm totally freaking out. Last time we performed in front of an audience, I went into labor. I think I'm having post traumatic stress disorder.
Mercedes Jones: FYI, I'm totally available to fill in.
Artie Abrams: Nowhere to run. From me or your lies. I hope they judge us on dancing and adultery, because you're aces at both of them.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't understand how you found out. I am so stupid. I can't believe I did it. I've never felt more awful about anything in my life.
Mike Chang: What's Artie all worked up about?
Tina Cohen-Chang: You are such a jerk.
Rachel Berry: You told Kurt?
Finn Hudson: I don't remember. Maybe.
Mercedes Jones: About Finn and Santana? No. I think I told him.
Rachel Berry: Who told you?
Quinn Fabray: Me. I think Brittany told me. Or maybe it was Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, it was me.
Rachel Berry: Everybody knew about this but me?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Pretty much.
Santana Lopez: Nobody tells you anything because A, you're a blabber mouth and B, we all just pretend to like you.
Noah Puckerman: That's not true. I kind of like her.
Finn Hudson: Look, Rachel, when this all happened, you were dating another guy, so you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine. I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all.
Rachel Berry: Oh, who are you right now?
Lauren Zizes: Best... green room... ever.
Rachel Berry: You know what? You guys are going to have to find somebody else to mindlessly harmonize in the background, because I'm not going onstage with him.
Artie Abrams: Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittany.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Me, either.
Will Schuester: Enough! Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room. No set list, no choreography. No chance in hell of winning, but you did win. Because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes, remind yourselves that you're not alone. All right. Show time!



Artie Abrams: Just tell me why you would cheat on me.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. Why would I cheat on you? Is this, like, a mad lib, or something?
Artie Abrams: You cheated on me with Mike. You admitted it to me in the green room.
Brittany S. Pierce: When?
Artie Abrams: When I was accusing you of adultery.
Brittany S. Pierce: What does that have to do with me cheating?
Artie Abrams: "Adultery" means cheating.
Brittany S. Pierce: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt. I didn't cheat on you. I did something much worse. I lost your magic comb. I don't know what happened. I had it in my pocket. And then I went to motocross practice, and then, when I left, it was gone. That's why I've been avoiding you. I was so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance of winning, the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn't want to let you down, Artie.
Artie Abrams: That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.
Brittany S. Pierce: And you let me comb my hair with it?
Artie Abrams: You don't need a magic comb. You're magic, Brittany... the way you move... And I just should have told you that in the first place, and I'm sorry.
Brittany S. Pierce: When I'm out there dancing today, it won't be for the team or for the crowd. It will be for you.
Noah Puckerman: What are you doing?
Lauren Zizes: I'm a wrestler. This is how I get psyched up for competition.
Noah Puckerman: Listen, you don't have to be nervous. You saved my life. I've got your back.
Lauren Zizes: Oh, I'm not nervous. You know why?
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Lauren Zizes: Because show choir is stupid.
Announcer: And now for our final performance of the program... from McKinley high, the new directions!
Quinn Fabray: What?
Sam Evans: You look beautiful.
# Now I've had the time of my life #
New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #
Sam Evans: # No, I've never felt like this before #
# Yes, I swear it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #
Quinn Fabray: # 'Cause I've had the time of my life #
# And I owe it all to you #
Sam Evans: # I've been waiting for so long #
# And now I finally found someone #
# To stand by me #
New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #
Quinn Fabray: # We saw the writing on the wall #
# As we felt this magical fantasy #
Sam & Quinn: # Now with passion in our eyes #
# There's no way we could disguise it secretly #
New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #
Sam & Quinn: # So we take each other's hand #
# 'Cause we seem to understand the urgency #
Quinn Fabray: # Oh #
Sam Evans: # Just remember #
Quinn Fabray: # You're the one thing #
Sam Evans: # I can't get enough of #
New Directions: # I can't get enough of #
Quinn Fabray: # So I'll tell you something #
Sam & Quinn: # This could be love #
# Because I've had the time of my life #
# No, I never felt like this before #
# Never felt this way #
# Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #
New Directions: # Ba ba ba ba ba ba #
# Ba ba ba ba ba ba #
# Ba ba ba ba #
Sam Evans: # Now I've had the time of my life #
Quinn Fabray: # I've #
Sam Evans: # No, I never felt this way before #
Quinn Fabray: # Never felt this way #
Sam Evans: # Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #
Sam & Quinn: # Oh, I had the time of my life #
# No, I never felt like this before "
Santana Lopez: # Never felt this way #
Sam & Quinn: # Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
Mercedes Jones: # It's the truth #
Sam & Quinn: # And I owe it all to you #
Santana Lopez: # Well, sometimes I go out by myself #
# And I look across the water #
# And I think of all the things, what you're doing #
# And in my head, I paint a picture #
# 'Cause since I've come on home #
# Well, my body's been a mess #
# And I miss your ginger hair #
# And the way you like to dress #
# Oh, won't you come on over? #
# Stop making a fool out of me #
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie? #
# Valerie... #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Valerie, Valerie #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Well, sometimes #
# I go out by myself and I look across the water #
# And I think of all the things, what you're doing #
# And in my head I paint a picture #
# 'Cause since I've come on home Ah, ah... #
# Well, my body's been a mess #
# And I've missed your ginger hair #
# And the way you like to dress #
# Ah, ah... Won't you come on over? #
# Stop makin' a fool out of me #
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie? #
# Valerie... #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Valerie, Valerie #
Santana Lopez: # Valerie #
New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #
Santana Lopez: # Why don't you come on over Valerie? #



Announcer: And now, this year's head judge, associate director of the Ohio department of motor vehicles, Mr. Pete Sosnowski.
Pete Sosnowski: Thank you. And thank you to all the groups who performed here today. We all had a serious good time. You know what else is a serious good time? Taking two minutes to save a life by filling out an organ donor card. Because it's never too late to donate. Drum roll, please. In third place... The hipsters! Thank you. Drive carefully. And now, the winner of this year's west-central sectional is... It's a tie. Congratulations! You're all going to the regionals!
Blaine Anderson: Congratulations.
Will Schuester: Oh, nice work. See you at regionals.
Finn Hudson: We get to go on.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.



Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: You okay?
Emma Pillsbury: Is that it? Is that your trophy?
Will Schuester: Yeah, this is it.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow.
Will Schuester: We won.
Emma Pillsbury: I know. I heard. It's exciting. Congratulations.
Will Schuester: Thanks.
Emma Pillsbury: I wanted to call you, but I, uh...
Will Schuester: Emma, it's cool.
Emma Pillsbury: Guess you didn't need your good luck charm, after all.
Will Schuester: You were missed.
Emma Pillsbury: I need to tell you about my weekend.
Will Schuester: I think I'd rather not hear all the details.
Emma Pillsbury: Carl took me to Vegas...
Will Schuester: Why are you telling me this? Is-is that an engagement ring?
Emma Pillsbury: It's a wedding ring, actually.
Will Schuester: I... I... I'm happy for you.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, I...
Will Schuester: Let's just... leave it at that, hmm?



Rachel Berry: When we first started Glee club, I told Mr. Schuester that being a part of something special makes you special, and I don't know, I just... I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But winning that way at sectionals... it really reminded me of it.
Finn Hudson: Are we a part of something special... you and me?
Rachel Berry: Yes.
Finn Hudson: I love you. No more lying... ever.
Rachel Berry: There's, um, something that I-I need to tell you. Last week, when... when we were fighting, I was... I was so mad at you and I was... I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt.



Rachel Berry: Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?
Noah Puckerman: I did this to Finn once before. I-I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go.



Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry, and-and it will never, ever happen again.
Finn Hudson: I knew you were a lot of things, Rachel, and I loved you because and in spite of all of them, but... I never thought you were mean.
Rachel Berry: I'm saying that I'm sorry. And doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?
Finn Hudson: We weren't together. I didn't cheat on you. How could you do this to me?
Rachel Berry: It was a mistake. Well, maybe we should go to another counseling session with miss Pillsbury.
Finn Hudson: Can't have couple's counseling if you're not a couple.
Rachel Berry: You're breaking up with me?
Finn Hudson: What you did was really bad, Rachel. And you knew how sensitive I'd be about this after what happened with Quinn.
Rachel Berry: You said you'd never break up with me.
Finn Hudson: I never thought you'd make me feel like this.



Blaine Anderson: I got your text. What's wrong?
Kurt Hummel: It's Pavarotti. I think he's sick. I've been taking good care of him, but he-he won't sing, and-and he's losing his feathers.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, he's just molting. He's growing a new coat of feathers, so his body has to shut down a little. But don't worry about it. He's got food, water, he seems to like his cage. Just give it a little while. He'll be singing again in no time. Don't forget. Warbler practice tonight at 5:00. Regionals, here we come.



Mike Chang: You changed your look.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, this is more me. I'm sorry I doubted you, Mike.
Mike Chang: Asian kiss?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Asian kiss.
Will Schuester: Congratulations, guys. It wasn't pretty, but we're moving on. And I, for one, am going to be happy to have regionals and nationals to focus on.
Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue, we heard the news about miss Pillsbury marrying the finest dentist alive.
Will Schuester: It's all right. We don't need to talk about it. Now... I know we've had our, um... Our dramas this week, but our family's back in a happy place, and I think we should celebrate the best way we know how. Rachel... so how would you like to solo?
Rachel Berry: Thanks, but, um, I don't really feel like a solo right now. I-I'd like to defer to this week's two unsung heroes, Mercedes and Tina.
Mercedes Jones: Well, don't have to ask me twice.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # Happiness hit her like a train #
# On a track #
Mercedes Jones: # Coming towards her #
# Stuck, still no turning back #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # She hid around corners, and she hid under beds #
Mercedes Jones: # She killed it #
# With kisses, and from it she fled #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# The horses are coming, so you better run #
Mercedes & Tina: # Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father #
# Run for your children #
# For your sisters and your brothers #
# Leave all your love and your loving behind #
# You can't carry it with you if you want to survive #
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# Can't you hear the horses? #
# 'Cause here they come. #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # And I never wanted anything from you. #
# Except everything you had, #
# And what was left after that too. Oh! #
Mercedes & Tina: # Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father #
# Run for your children #
# For your sisters and your brothers #
# Leave all your love and your loving behind #
# You can't carry it with you if you want to survive #
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# Can't you hear the horses? #
# 'Cause here they come.
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# The horses are comin', #
# So you'd better run. #
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210. A Very Glee Christmas

放送日:2010年12月7日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt's trying to get used to another school, and Will's trying to get used to the fact that Emma went to Vegas with her boyfriend and came home married.
Will Schuester: I'm happy for you.
Ian Brennan: Brittany thinks Artie's the best boyfriend ever.
Artie Abrams: You're magic, Brittany.
Ian Brennan: Which is what Rachel used to think about Finn. But then she learned this secret about him and Santana which made her super mad.
Rachel Berry: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma Pillsbury: Don't answer that.
Ian Brennan: So she made out with Puck, which made Finn super mad.
Finn Hudson: I'm done with you!
Ian Brennan: Because his girlfriends are always making out with Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert.
Ian Brennan: It's like a thing. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Emma Pillsbury: Hey, Will.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Are we okay? You know, we haven't really talked since I told you about me and Carl. I mean, we haven't talked at all. Are you avoiding me?
Will Schuester: Not at all.
Emma Pillsbury: So, what are you doing for Christmas this year?
Will Schuester: Just a little quiet time alone this year.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, you can't spend Christmas by yourself; that's horrible. Look, um, Carl and I are having a big Christmas Eve party. Please at least stop by.
Will Schuester: Well, thanks, Emma, that's very sweet of you guys, but... I think it's best if we just keep things separate for a while.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, okay.
Shannon Beiste: Okay, educators, gather around. It's time to pick your Secret Santa. Everybody's name is in the tub. You get who you get, and you don't get upset, all right?



Brittany S. Pierce: There. Last year, I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation, and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.
Artie Abrams: I told my parents that I only want one thing for Christmas this year: Stop friend requesting me on Facebook.
Brittany S. Pierce: What are you asking Santa for?
Artie Abrams: I'm sorry?
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie... the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous. You need to write your letter to Santa really fast and get it in the mail today. And remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.
Artie Abrams: No way.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # We're on the island of misfit toys
# Here we don't wanna stay
Artie Abrams: # We want to travel with Santa Claus in his magic sleigh
# A pack full of toys means a sack full of joys
# For millions of girls and for millions of boys
# When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year
Sam Evans: # A jack-in-the-box waits for children to shout
Quinn Fabray: # Wake up! Don't you know that it's time to come out!
Tina & Artie: # When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year
# Toys galore scattered on the floor
# There's no room for more
# And it's all because of Santa Claus
Sam Evans: # A scooter for Jimmy
Quinn Fabray: # A dolly for Sue
Sam Evans: # The kind that will even say
Brittany S. Pierce: # "How do you do?"
Tina Cohen-Chang: # When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year
Brittany S. Pierce: # How'd you like to be a spotted elephant?
Artie Abrams: # Or a choo-choo with square wheels on your caboose!
Quinn Fabray: # Or a water pistol that shoots..... jelly?
New Directions: # We're all Misfits!
Tina & Artie: # If we're on the island of unwanted toys
# We'll miss all the fun with the girls and the boys
# When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful, wonderful
# Wonderful, wonderful
# Wonderful day of the year!
Will Schuester: Hey, guys. What's this?
Finn Hudson: Oh, we're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Schue. Christmas is totally my favorite holiday. And check out this awesome tree! I found it on the side of the road. It must have fell off some guy's car.
Will Schuester: And the ornaments?
Santana Lopez: The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. And when they carted him off, they left the house, like, wide open, so... I think she was a holiday hoarder.
Will Schuester: Uh... a-and the presents?
Noah Puckerman: I lifted them from a display at the mall. But don't worry. They're empty.
Will Schuester: Guys, look, I appreciate the effort, but this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like.
Mercedes Jones: For us, it is. This tree is like a mascot for Glee Club. We won Sectionals two years in a row, and according to everyone at this school, we still suck.



Tina Cohen-Chang: ... this reindeer sweater last year...
Azimio Adams: Ooh! Ho-Ho-Ho, losers. Ha-ha!



Mike Chang: I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush from the parking lot.
Lauren Zizes: You can eat that, you know.
Will Schuester: No, no. I am not gonna let you guys throw yourselves a pity party. Look, I'm the first one to say that things haven't turned out exactly how I would have liked them to this year, but Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did.
Noah Puckerman: I thought that was Thanksgiving.
Will Schuester: And this year, Glee Club is going to lend a hand to the McKinney-Vento Homeless Children and Youth program right here in Lima.
Rachel Berry: How are we going to do that?
Will Schuester: The only way we know how— by singing about it. We're going to go classroom to classroom, caroling, to raise money for McKinney-Vento.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait, classrooms in this school? With like, students in them?
Will Schuester: Well, if there are no students in them, there will be no one to put money in the collection box while we sing.
Quinn Fabray: We're gonna be killed.
Finn Hudson: No, guys, it's Christmas... a time for miracles. We got to try this.
Will Schuester: Finn's right. So let's start rehearsing. This year, Glee Club's going full Santa.



Mercedes Jones: # Haul out the holly
# Put up the tree before
# My spirit falls again
# Fill up the stocking
# I may be rushing things but
# Deck the halls again now
Student: You suck!
Student: Who goes caroling with a band?
Student: I'd seriously rather be learning.
Mercedes Jones: For we need a little Christmas
Student: You're making me hate Christmas!
Mercedes Jones: Right this very minute
Student: Yeah, that's right, leave!
Student: You suck!
Student: I hate you!
Finn Hudson: Go, go, go!



Rachel Berry: I can't believe that that teacher let those students speak to us like that.
Noah Puckerman: I can't believe she threw her shoe at us.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I guess we're done caroling.
Finn Hudson: No, we're not, guys. We can't let what just happened ruin our Christmas spirit. Mr. Schue got us this beautiful tree to inspire us. We're gonna practice now, and gear up for round two tomorrow.
Brittany S. Pierce: Pretty soon, no one will bully us. Santa Claus can do anything, and this year, I asked for the Glee Club to stop getting picked on.
Lauren Zizes: She's kidding, right?
Artie Abrams: Guys, this is serious. Listen up. Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.
Mercedes Jones: You cannot be serious.
Sam Evans: Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.
Quinn Fabray: She's gonna find out sooner or later.
Rachel Berry: Would you mind, um... meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at 4:00?
Finn Hudson: Sure.
Lauren Zizes: Okay, somebody needs to break the news to her.
Noah Puckerman: Uh-uh. Don't look at me. I mean, I'm cruel and all, but that's just hardcore.
Artie Abrams: Right. That's my point! Hear me out. Remember when you were a kid, how excited you would get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little while longer?
Mike Chang: How?
Artie Abrams: I've got it all figured out.



Brittany S. Pierce: Can I be honest? I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not sitting on that guy's lap. Santas' laps are always really warm, and it's creepy.
Artie Abrams: We all have to sit on Santa's lap. If Brittany sees that we all still believe, it will make her strong enough to withstand all the Santa naysayers in the world.
Sam Evans: Which is everyone over the age of six.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work. That guy doesn't even look like Santa.
Artie Abrams: Trust me, all Brittany's gonna see is the suit. She wants to believe in him. Mercedes, get up there.
Brittany S. Pierce: Go, Mercedes, go, Mercedes, go.
Mercedes Jones: I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony, and a doll that laughs and cries and... One of us smells like McDonalds.
Noah Puckerman: I would like Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. I would also like sweet potato fries.
Santana Lopez: I want bling; I can't be any more specific than that. Okay, wait, hold up. Please tell me that is a roll of Certs in your pocket.
Quinn Fabray: Do you have anything for stretch marks?
Sam Evans: ChapStick. Lots of ChapStick.
Mike Chang: I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.
Tina Cohen-Chang: When does Asian Santa arrive?
Christmas Elf: Next.
Brittany S. Pierce: Just know, you have rights.
Mall Santa: Ho, ho, ho! What's your name?
Brittany S. Pierce: Brittany. You've gotten really tan.
Mall Santa: That's because at the North Pole there's a hole in the ozone.
Brittany S. Pierce: You're amazing. I know you're really busy, so I only want one thing for Christmas. Do you see my boyfriend over there? For Christmas, I want him to be able to walk. You can do that, can't you, Santa?
Mall Santa: Sure... I'm on it.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you so much, Santa.
Artie Abrams: Now we're screwed.



Rachel Berry: Now, remember, it has to be lush and romantic.
Finn Hudson: Why?
Rachel Berry: Because I am very specific when I give a gift. You don't know how many kittens I've given away because they haven't been just right. So, do you like my winter wonderland?
Finn Hudson: Well, I don't really like artificial Christmas trees. I like real ones. They smell amazing; that's kind of the whole point.
Rachel Berry: Right. Anyway... Merry Christmas. Being a Jew, I generally don't give Christmas gifts, but considering how much you care about the holiday I figured I'd make an exception. Just... read it. It's a note.
Finn Hudson: "The bearer of this note is entitled to one song of Rachel Berry's choosing, sung to him or her with love."
Rachel Berry: At least it's not a kitten. Come sit.
Finn Hudson: I-I don't think so. I know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work.
Rachel Berry: Look, not letting me apologize isn't fair.
Finn Hudson: I've let you apologize plenty, and I know that Christmas is supposed to be about forgiveness but... I'm not ready to forgive you, so please stop trying to make me.
Guitarist: Should we, like, leave?
Rachel Berry: # No. Whether it's a heart attack or heartbreak, just like on Broadway, the show must go on. Besides, the AV Club worked so hard on the snow. #
# Greeting cards have all been sent, #
# The Christmas rush is through, #
# But I still have one wish to make, #
# A special one for you, #
# Merry Christmas darling, #
# We're apart that's true, #
# But I can dream and in my dreams, #
# I'm Christmas-ing with you, #
# Holidays are joyful, #
# There's always something new, #
# But every day's a holiday, #
# When I'm near to you, #
# The lights on my tree, #
# I wish you could see, #
# I wish it every day, #
# The logs on the fire, #
# Fill me with desire, #
# To see you and to say, #
# That I wish you Merry Christmas #
# Happy New Year, too, #
# I've just one wish on this Christmas Eve, #
# I wish I were with you, #
# I wish I were with you, #
# Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, darling #



Blaine Anderson: Hey.
Kurt Hummel: You scared me.
Blaine Anderson: Good. Because I'm actually Marley's ghost, and : I'm here to tell you to stop studying so hard.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm. What's with the boom box?
Blaine Anderson: I need you to sing with me. Well, rehearse with me. I got a gig singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" in the King's Island Christmas Spectacular.
Kurt Hummel: Ah, a personal favorite. Too bad they'd never let us sing it together. I mean, as two... artists.
Blaine Anderson: Mmm. So you going to help me out here?
Kurt Hummel: Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne.
Blaine Anderson: Very good, then.
Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #
Blaine Anderson: # But baby, it's cold outside. #
Kurt Hummel: # I've got to go away. #
Blaine Anderson: # But baby, it's cold outside. #
Kurt Hummel: # This evening has been... #
Blaine Anderson: # Been hoping that you'd drop in. #
Kurt Hummel: # ...so very nice. #
Blaine Anderson: # I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice. #
Kurt Hummel: # My mother will start to worry. #
Blaine Anderson: # Beautiful, what's your hurry? #
Kurt Hummel: # My father will be pacing the floor. #
Blaine Anderson: # Listen to the fireplace roar. #
Kurt Hummel: # So really, I'd better scurry. #
Blaine Anderson: # Beautiful, please don't hurry. #
Kurt Hummel: # But maybe just a half a drink more. #
Blaine Anderson: # Put some records on while I pour. #
Kurt Hummel: # The neighbors might think. #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby, it's bad out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # Say, what's in this drink? #
Blaine Anderson: # No cabs to be had out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # I wish I knew how... #
Blaine Anderson: # Your eyes are like starlight now. #
Kurt Hummel: # ...to break the spell. #
Blaine Anderson: # I'll take your hat; your hair looks well. #
Kurt Hummel: # I ought to say no, no, no, Sir. #
Blaine Anderson: # Mind if I move in closer? #
Kurt Hummel: # At least I'm gonna say that I tried. #
Blaine Anderson: # What's the sense in hurting my pride? #
Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby, don't hold out. #
Kurt & Blaine: # Ah/Oh, but/Baby it's cold outside. #
Kurt Hummel: # I've gotta get home. #
Blaine Anderson: # But baby, you'll freeze out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # Say, lend me your coat. #
Blaine Anderson: # It's up to your knees out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # You've really been grand. #
Blaine Anderson: # I thrill when you touch my hand. #
Kurt Hummel: # But don't you see. #
Blaine Anderson: # How can you do this thing to me? #
Kurt Hummel: # There's bound to be talk tomorrow. #
Blaine Anderson: # Think about a life long sorrow. #
Kurt Hummel: # At least there will be plenty implied. #
Blaine Anderson: # If you caught pneumonia and died. #
Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #
Blaine Anderson: # Get over that hold out. #
Kurt & Blaine: # Ahh/Oh, but/Baby it's cold outside! #
Kurt Hummel: I think you're ready.
Blaine Anderson: Well, for the record, you are much better than that girl's going to be.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schuester.
Will Schuester: Oh, good to see you, Kurt. Someone special?
Kurt Hummel: No, just a friend. But on the upside, I am in love with him, and he's actually gay. I call that progress.
Will Schuester: How you doing?
Kurt Hummel: Classes are harder, but the kids are kinder. But I miss you guys a lot, though. So what brings you here? Are you looking for teaching at a place where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?
Will Schuester: Actually, I need some holiday help. I don't know if you know this, but I am really bad at Christmas shopping.



Terri Schuester: Oh, honey, just what I wanted. Jumper cables.



Will Schuester: This year, I drew Sue in the office pool Secret Santa. And I tell you, I... I can't think of anything good. And you are so great at shopping, I thought I'd...
Kurt Hummel: I have the perfect idea.



Will Schuester: I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa.
Will Schuester: Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa.
Shannon Beiste: No, Sue's my Secret Santa.



Sue Sylvester: I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those wherever.
Emma Pillsbury: You rigged Secret Santa?
Shannon Beiste: How? It was my idea.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful. Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion.
Emma Pillsbury: You filled your tub with your name only.
Sue Sylvester: You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless. See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella.
Will Schuester: That was Kurt's idea.
Sue Sylvester: Ah-ah-ah, William. These gifts are legally mine. Now, you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft.
Will Schuester: We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue.
Emma Pillsbury: You're not going to get away with this.
Sue Sylvester: I think I already have. William, Elmo, you, get the hell out of my office.
Shannon Beiste: I just got to say, this is a really expensive blender. It's top of the line.
Sue Sylvester: At ease, Becky.



Sue Sylvester: I'm gonna stop you right here. Why are you wearing that hat?
Lauren Zizes: Because it's Christmas and it's fun.
Sue Sylvester: No, it's offensive. You're wearing a Santa Claus hat, and yet you're handing me no gifts. I need gifts.
Lauren Zizes: You want my hat?
Sue Sylvester: It's a start.
Becky Jackson: Coach, we've got a problem.



Will Schuester: Thanks, guys. Those go under the tree in the choir room. Plop it down there. Thank you. Can you believe it? Six different people got Sue a Shake Weight.
Shannon Beiste: Mmm.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, go into the glove box of my LeCar and bring me my tear gas. Then, get me Gloria Allred.
Will Schuester: Merry Christmas, Sue. As you can see, we're repo'ing your gifts. Most can't be returned since you inexplicably opened all of them.
Sue Sylvester: And I licked each one so no one would touch them.
Will Schuester: So the staff has agreed to donate them to the homeless kids at McKinney-Vento. I mean, what is your problem anyway? Were you one of those kids who never got presents at Christmas?
Sue Sylvester: Yes, Dr. Laura. As a matter of fact, I was, and I'm making up for it now.
Shannon Beiste: Face it, Sue. We won.
Sue Sylvester: This will not stand. I have legal rights to those gifts.
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? You don't. I checked with human resources, and because you misrepresented yourself, it is within our legal right to take back these gifts. Ho, ho, ho. You know what you are, Sue? You're a grinch.



Shannon Beiste: Are you guys punking me? I thought we were cool after you sang me that song.
Artie Abrams: This is serious, Coach.
Sam Evans: Remember when you were a kid, the way you felt when you came downstairs on Christmas morning, seeing that Santa had come?
Shannon Beiste: I do love Santa Claus. One year, I asked him for a full set of free weights. Kept asking my dad, "How did Santy get those 75-pound dumbbells down the chimney?" Should have suspected something when Dad was in traction until the end of January.
Noah Puckerman: You've got the perfect Santa body type.
Shannon Beiste: Watch it, Puckerman.
Sam Evans: Look, we rented the suit. All you need to do is put it on.
Artie Abrams: Just tell her that you can't give her the gift of me walking this year.
Shannon Beiste: That seems so harsh and not at all like Santa.
Artie Abrams: She asked Santa for the impossible— me walking again. If Christmas morning comes around and I'm not dancing in Glee Club rehearsal with no personal explanation from her idol, she's going to lose faith in Old Saint Nick, and we can't have that.
Sam Evans: Tell her the elves are working on it. Elves have awesome cord blood for stem cell research, but these advances are a few years away.
Shannon Beiste: Okay.
Artie Abrams: Great. And then we need you to break into her house.
Shannon Beiste: What? No. No way!
Artie Abrams: The back door will be open. I-I talked to her parents; they really want her to believe, too.



Becky Jackson: Look, Coach. The janitor staff got you hideous gloves.
Sue Sylvester: Give me those. They'll come in handy. No fingerprints. Suit up, Becky.
Becky Jackson: I don't understand why we have to dress up, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Well, this way, if anyone sees us, we'll have plausible deniability. I repeat, you are a "rein-dog." Trust me, they're real. How am I looking?
Becky Jackson: Fantastic, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you know, Becky, my mastery of camouflage is the only thing that kept me from being court-martialed after that My Lai misunderstanding.
Becky Jackson: Copy that.
Sue Sylvester: Now, let's go get what is rightfully mine. Schuester thinks I'm a grinch, well, that's exactly what he's gonna get.



k.d. lang.: # You’re a mean one #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You really are a heel #
# You’re as cuddly as a cactus #
# You’re as charming as an eel #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel #
# You’re a monster #
# Sue the Grinch #
# Your hearts an empty hole #
# Your brain is full of spiders #
# You’ve got garlic in your soul #
# Sue the Grinch #
# I wouldn’t touch you with a #
# 39 and a half Foot pole #
# You’re a foul one #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You’re a nasty wasty skunk #
# Your heart is full of unwashed socks, #
# Your soul is full of gunk #
# Sue the Grinch #
Sue Sylvester: Becky, load it up.
Brittany S. Pierce: Santa?
Sue Sylvester: Why, Brittany. What are you doing here?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm bringing a gift to put under the tree for the homeless kids. It's a dollhouse. At least their dolls won't be homeless. What are you doing, Santa?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you see, Brittany, uh, one of the lights on the tree isn't working. So I'm bringing it back home to my workshop. I'll fix it up there, and I'll bring it back here. Oh. Shuffle on home.



Mercedes Jones: They took everything.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Including all of Sue's Secret Santa gifts we were gonna give to the homeless kids.
Rachel Berry: Only further proof that everyone in this school hates us no matter what we do.
Will Schuester: It's not the school. It's Sue. She did this.
Brittany S. Pierce: It wasn't Sue, it was Santa. He said a light was out on the tree, he'd fix everything. We just need to let him do his thing.
Will Schuester: Okay. Are you sure Santa was a boy and not a girl, Brittany?
Brittany S. Pierce: I swear on my life. Santa's a boy; everybody knows that.
Rachel Berry: It was probably one of the boys on the football team.
Will Schuester: I guess it wasn't Sue.
Finn Hudson: So our tree is gone. So our presents are missing.
Brittany S. Pierce: Santa's probably fixing any dents or chips as we speak.
Finn Hudson: All around the world today, way worse things have happened to people than this. Sorry, but I'm not going to let this get us down. 'Tis the season.
Will Schuester: I agree. Come on, guys, let's clean this up. Come on.
Rachel Berry: Finn. You and I are the leaders of this club. All right, we need to fix this. We have to put everything that's happened behind us and save Christmas for the Glee Club. I want to make this right.



Finn Hudson: You smell kind of funny.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I, um, I put this on for the car ride over. I know how much you love the smell of Christmas pine. But guess I don't really need it now that we have the real thing. It's so cold out. It's cuddle weather.
Finn Hudson: It's unseasonably warm, actually, for this time of year, but, uh...
Rachel Berry: I just, I really wanted to come here with you. I mean, the Christmas tree is the foundation of Christmas. It's the hearth of the Christmas home. Without it, there wouldn't be anywhere to hang the ornaments or put the presents under.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Whenever we put the tree up, I always knew Christmas was really here. This one's too small. But, uh...
Rachel Berry: Oh, I love this song. It's, uh, it's my favorite Christmas song. It's Wham!
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Cool. Um... I'm going to look down this row of Frasier firs. Maybe you could check out the Douglases and I'll meet you at the end.
Rachel Berry: Okay.
# Last Christmas, #
# I gave you my heart #
# But the very next day you gave it away #
# This year #
# To save me from tears #
# I'll give it to someone special #
# Once bitten and twice shy #
# I keep my distance #
# But you still catch my eye #
# Tell me baby #
# Do you recognize me? #
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
Rachel Berry: # Well, it's been a year #
Finn & Rachel: # It doesn't surprise me #
Rachel Berry: # Christmas #
Finn & Rachel: # I wrapped it up and sent it #
# With a note saying "I love you" I meant it #
# Now I know what a fool I've been #
# But if you kissed me now #
# I know you'd fool me again #
New Directions: # Last Christmas #
# I gave you my heart #
Finn Hudson: # But the very next day you gave it away #
Rachel Berry: # Gave it away #
Finn Hudson: # This year #
# To save me from tears #
# I'll give it to someone special. #
Rachel Berry: # Last Christmas #
# I gave you my heart #
New Directions: # But the very next day you gave it away #
Rachel Berry: # You gave me away #
New Directions: # This year #
# To save me from tears #
Finn Hudson: # I'll give it to someone special #
Rachel Berry: # Special #
Last year, for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you.
Finn Hudson: It's not last year anymore.
Rachel Berry: It's Christmas, Finn. It's time for you to forgive me.
Finn Hudson: No, I-I can't. Okay? This is wrong. I shouldn't, I shouldn't have brought you here. You messed me up, Rachel. Can't you see how screwed-up I am about this? I've had two girlfriends, and both of them have cheated on me. Maybe you can ask Santa again for me next year. I'm officially breaking up with you.



Finn Hudson: This was my dad's.
Mike Chang: He'd want you to do it— for those kids.
Noah Puckerman: This was my uncle's. It's the first thing I ever stole, actually.
Quinn Fabray: I'm going to look terrible.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the Rosemary's Baby look and still look good. I'm going to look like Jackie Chan.
Rachel Berry: If Barbra can pull off a bob, so can I.
Santana Lopez: Enough yapping, let's do this.
Will Schuester: Whoa! Whoa! What are you guys doing?
Mercedes Jones: We're going all "Gift of the Magi" to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies.
Sam Evans: The guys are gonna sell their watches and the girls are gonna sell off their hair.
Will Schuester: You can't do that.
Santana Lopez: Oh, no, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine, anyways.
Will Schuester: No, I mean, that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmastime.
Rachel Berry: No, but we tried caroling, and it didn't work.
Artie Abrams: Wait, I thought you and Finn were getting us a new tree.
Rachel Berry: We went, but Finn bailed before we could get one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Nice Christmas spirit, Finn.
Will Schuester: Wait! Guys, no more fighting. Have any of you ever actually read "Gift of the Magi"? None of you?
Quinn Fabray: You don't have to read "Gift of the Magi"; everybody knows what it's about.
Will Schuester: Well, if you actually read it, you'd know what it's about.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know what it's about— life freakin' sucks.
Will Schuester: Actually, you're right. The first Christmas you remember having is the greatest day of your life. Your family's all together, there are loads of presents, cookies. The magic is alive and well. But before you know it, you grow up. Work and school and girlfriends take over and Christmas becomes more of an obligation, a reminder of what's lost instead of what's possible. And all of the trees and the presents and even the mistletoe can't change that. And then when you get to my age... you're so desperate to get that magic back, you'd do anything to be able to feel how you did that first Christmas.
Finn Hudson: So what should we do?
Will Schuester: Put your scissors down, put your watches back on. We're gonna go out and find some people who really need some Christmas spirit, and we are gonna sing for them.



Brittany S. Pierce: Get a good night's rest, Ken, you're gonna need it. Barbie took the early flight from Tampa. Santa? But it's too early.
Shannon Beiste: Well, you know what they say. Early's late if you make tomorrow yesterday.
Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
Shannon Beiste: You know, Brittany, I was in the neighborhood, doing a dry run. I have so many houses to visit on Christmas Eve, I got to make sure it goes off without a hitch. How about you come sit with ol' Santy? Okay! How about you sit next to Santy instead? Santy's just a little stinky. He needs a good ol' sponge bath from Mrs. Claus. Brittany, do you remember what you asked me for for Christmas?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I asked for Artie to be able to walk.
Shannon Beiste: Is there anything else that you want? I mean, like, anything?
Brittany S. Pierce: No.
Shannon Beiste: Well, see, Santa's trying his best, but that one's a little hard.
Brittany S. Pierce: But you're magic.
Shannon Beiste: Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good girl like you is patience, because, believe it or not, there are even some things that he can't manage. You know, there was a girl a little younger than you and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santy for the same thing: to make her look more like the other girls. She wasn't asking to be pretty or nothing. But she just didn't want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn't do it. So instead Santa gave her patience. And later on, that girl was... was glad that Santy didn't give her what she had asked him for. She— she put being husky to good use.
Brittany S. Pierce: Was her name Ricki Lake?
Shannon Beiste: The point is... I don't think I'm going to be able to give you what you're asking for, even though I'd like to.
Brittany S. Pierce: But, Santa...
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry, pumpkin. It's-it's just not going to happen.
Brittany S. Pierce: Aren't you going to go up the chimney?
Shannon Beiste: On dry runs, Santy uses the Isuzu.



Artie Abrams: What's going on?
Brittany S. Pierce: I think I've lost the Christmas spirit. It's Santa. I don't know if I can tell you. I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn't magical, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore. It isn't fair that you can't walk, Artie. I feel so terrible.
Artie Abrams: Hey, look at me. I'm fine.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys, we need you in the teachers' lounge.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Schue— Brittany's not feeling so good. Santa thing. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to take her home, make sure she's okay.
Will Schuester: Good idea. We'll make do without you.
Artie Abrams: Okay.



Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so we're your students. All year long you suffer through dealing with us. I imagine having some of us in your classes would slowly chip away at your hopes and dreams, until the whole world just felt like a never-ending nightmare of pain...
Will Schuester: Just get to the point, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Right. Uh, anyway, we're here today to help raise money for children that have a lot less than we do. And I know some of us have had a hard Christmas, but what we've come to learn is that no matter how tough things get, there isn't anything that more Santa or a couple more jingle bells can't cure.



Sue Sylvester: Well, Becky, we did it. We got all my presents back. And as satisfying as it is to have been gifted enough rotisserie ovens to roast an entire hobo— for me, the real joy of Christmas was breaking the collective heart of the Glee Club.
Becky Jackson: What's that, Coach?



Rachel Berry: # Oooooo
# Wooaahhh
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas come this way
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day
Artie Abrams: # Welcome, welcome fahoo ramus
Rachel Berry: # Welcome, welcome dahoo damus
Rachel & Artie: # Christmas Day is in our grasp
# So long as we have hands to clasp
Rachel Berry: # Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas bring your cheer
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome all
# Whos far and near
Artie Abrams: # Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus
Rachel Berry: # Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus
# Christmas time will always be
# Just so long as we have glee
Rachel & Artie: # Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas bring your light
Becky Jackson: Christmas came anyway, Coach. It's beautiful.
Sue Sylvester: It is.



Finn Hudson: How much did we raise?
Noah Puckerman: 210 bucks. And that's after my cut. I'm kidding.
Rachel Berry: Now that you're divorced and Ms. Pillsbury married another guy, I guess you'll be spending Christmas Eve alone.
Will Schuester: Yes, Rachel, I am.
Rachel Berry: Well, I know how painful being alone can feel, so if you want, you can come over to my house. We're going to eat Chinese and watch The Main Event.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Rachel. I think I'm going to pass. Nothing wrong with being alone.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie.
Artie Abrams: It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time, but... check me out.
Quinn Fabray: Where did you get it?
Brittany S. Pierce: We went home and it was sitting under my Christmas tree.
Sam Evans: How the hell did you afford that thing?
Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer.
Artie Abrams: I assumed her dad got it for me, but he has no idea where it came from. He went to take a long poop, and when he came back it was there.
Rachel Berry: So if no one we know bought it for you, then...
Brittany S. Pierce: Santa brought it.
Mercedes Jones: Santa.
Artie Abrams: Santa.
Quinn Fabray: A real Christmas miracle.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, Will.
Will Schuester: How— how did you get in here?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I had a key made ages ago. How do you like your tree?
Will Schuester: Uh, it's-it's- it's beautiful. Wha-what's going on? What's with all the presents?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you remember that old meanie who stole all that stuff out of the choir room? Well, she's sorry.
Will Schuester: Really? And what made her change her mind?
Sue Sylvester: I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something, but, uh... I got you something special. It's okay, it's not going to explode. I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Sue. The tree really does look great.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Santa had some helpers.
Rachel Berry: No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester.
Sue Sylvester: Too much talking, lady, not enough trimming. Come on, let's get some Christmas up in here.
Will Schuester: I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue Sylvester: No, I just hate you.
Will Schuester: Merry Christmas, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Merry Christmas, Will.


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt's trying to get used to another school, and Will's trying to get used to the fact that Emma went to Vegas with her boyfriend and came home married.
Will Schuester: I'm happy for you.
Ian Brennan: Brittany thinks Artie's the best boyfriend ever.
Artie Abrams: You're magic, Brittany.
Ian Brennan: Which is what Rachel used to think about Finn. But then she learned this secret about him and Santana which made her super mad.
Rachel Berry: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma Pillsbury: Don't answer that.
Ian Brennan: So she made out with Puck, which made Finn super mad.
Finn Hudson: I'm done with you!
Ian Brennan: Because his girlfriends are always making out with Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert.
Ian Brennan: It's like a thing. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Emma Pillsbury: Hey, Will.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Are we okay? You know, we haven't really talked since I told you about me and Carl. I mean, we haven't talked at all. Are you avoiding me?
Will Schuester: Not at all.
Emma Pillsbury: So, what are you doing for Christmas this year?
Will Schuester: Just a little quiet time alone this year.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, you can't spend Christmas by yourself; that's horrible. Look, um, Carl and I are having a big Christmas Eve party. Please at least stop by.
Will Schuester: Well, thanks, Emma, that's very sweet of you guys, but... I think it's best if we just keep things separate for a while.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, okay.
Shannon Beiste: Okay, educators, gather around. It's time to pick your Secret Santa. Everybody's name is in the tub. You get who you get, and you don't get upset, all right?



Brittany S. Pierce: There. Last year, I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation, and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.
Artie Abrams: I told my parents that I only want one thing for Christmas this year: Stop friend requesting me on Facebook.
Brittany S. Pierce: What are you asking Santa for?
Artie Abrams: I'm sorry?
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie... the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous. You need to write your letter to Santa really fast and get it in the mail today. And remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.
Artie Abrams: No way.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # We're on the island of misfit toys
# Here we don't wanna stay
Artie Abrams: # We want to travel with Santa Claus in his magic sleigh
# A pack full of toys means a sack full of joys
# For millions of girls and for millions of boys
# When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year
Sam Evans: # A jack-in-the-box waits for children to shout
Quinn Fabray: # Wake up! Don't you know that it's time to come out!
Tina & Artie: # When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year
# Toys galore scattered on the floor
# There's no room for more
# And it's all because of Santa Claus
Sam Evans: # A scooter for Jimmy
Quinn Fabray: # A dolly for Sue
Sam Evans: # The kind that will even say
Brittany S. Pierce: # "How do you do?"
Tina Cohen-Chang: # When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year
Brittany S. Pierce: # How'd you like to be a spotted elephant?
Artie Abrams: # Or a choo-choo with square wheels on your caboose!
Quinn Fabray: # Or a water pistol that shoots..... jelly?
New Directions: # We're all Misfits!
Tina & Artie: # If we're on the island of unwanted toys
# We'll miss all the fun with the girls and the boys
# When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful, wonderful
# Wonderful, wonderful
# Wonderful day of the year!
Will Schuester: Hey, guys. What's this?
Finn Hudson: Oh, we're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Schue. Christmas is totally my favorite holiday. And check out this awesome tree! I found it on the side of the road. It must have fell off some guy's car.
Will Schuester: And the ornaments?
Santana Lopez: The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. And when they carted him off, they left the house, like, wide open, so... I think she was a holiday hoarder.
Will Schuester: Uh... a-and the presents?
Noah Puckerman: I lifted them from a display at the mall. But don't worry. They're empty.
Will Schuester: Guys, look, I appreciate the effort, but this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like.
Mercedes Jones: For us, it is. This tree is like a mascot for Glee Club. We won Sectionals two years in a row, and according to everyone at this school, we still suck.



Tina Cohen-Chang: ... this reindeer sweater last year...
Azimio Adams: Ooh! Ho-Ho-Ho, losers. Ha-ha!



Mike Chang: I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush from the parking lot.
Lauren Zizes: You can eat that, you know.
Will Schuester: No, no. I am not gonna let you guys throw yourselves a pity party. Look, I'm the first one to say that things haven't turned out exactly how I would have liked them to this year, but Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did.
Noah Puckerman: I thought that was Thanksgiving.
Will Schuester: And this year, Glee Club is going to lend a hand to the McKinney-Vento Homeless Children and Youth program right here in Lima.
Rachel Berry: How are we going to do that?
Will Schuester: The only way we know how— by singing about it. We're going to go classroom to classroom, caroling, to raise money for McKinney-Vento.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait, classrooms in this school? With like, students in them?
Will Schuester: Well, if there are no students in them, there will be no one to put money in the collection box while we sing.
Quinn Fabray: We're gonna be killed.
Finn Hudson: No, guys, it's Christmas... a time for miracles. We got to try this.
Will Schuester: Finn's right. So let's start rehearsing. This year, Glee Club's going full Santa.



Mercedes Jones: # Haul out the holly
# Put up the tree before
# My spirit falls again
# Fill up the stocking
# I may be rushing things but
# Deck the halls again now
Student: You suck!
Student: Who goes caroling with a band?
Student: I'd seriously rather be learning.
Mercedes Jones: For we need a little Christmas
Student: You're making me hate Christmas!
Mercedes Jones: Right this very minute
Student: Yeah, that's right, leave!
Student: You suck!
Student: I hate you!
Finn Hudson: Go, go, go!



Rachel Berry: I can't believe that that teacher let those students speak to us like that.
Noah Puckerman: I can't believe she threw her shoe at us.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I guess we're done caroling.
Finn Hudson: No, we're not, guys. We can't let what just happened ruin our Christmas spirit. Mr. Schue got us this beautiful tree to inspire us. We're gonna practice now, and gear up for round two tomorrow.
Brittany S. Pierce: Pretty soon, no one will bully us. Santa Claus can do anything, and this year, I asked for the Glee Club to stop getting picked on.
Lauren Zizes: She's kidding, right?
Artie Abrams: Guys, this is serious. Listen up. Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.
Mercedes Jones: You cannot be serious.
Sam Evans: Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.
Quinn Fabray: She's gonna find out sooner or later.
Rachel Berry: Would you mind, um... meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at 4:00?
Finn Hudson: Sure.
Lauren Zizes: Okay, somebody needs to break the news to her.
Noah Puckerman: Uh-uh. Don't look at me. I mean, I'm cruel and all, but that's just hardcore.
Artie Abrams: Right. That's my point! Hear me out. Remember when you were a kid, how excited you would get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little while longer?
Mike Chang: How?
Artie Abrams: I've got it all figured out.



Brittany S. Pierce: Can I be honest? I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not sitting on that guy's lap. Santas' laps are always really warm, and it's creepy.
Artie Abrams: We all have to sit on Santa's lap. If Brittany sees that we all still believe, it will make her strong enough to withstand all the Santa naysayers in the world.
Sam Evans: Which is everyone over the age of six.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work. That guy doesn't even look like Santa.
Artie Abrams: Trust me, all Brittany's gonna see is the suit. She wants to believe in him. Mercedes, get up there.
Brittany S. Pierce: Go, Mercedes, go, Mercedes, go.
Mercedes Jones: I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony, and a doll that laughs and cries and... One of us smells like McDonalds.
Noah Puckerman: I would like Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. I would also like sweet potato fries.
Santana Lopez: I want bling; I can't be any more specific than that. Okay, wait, hold up. Please tell me that is a roll of Certs in your pocket.
Quinn Fabray: Do you have anything for stretch marks?
Sam Evans: ChapStick. Lots of ChapStick.
Mike Chang: I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.
Tina Cohen-Chang: When does Asian Santa arrive?
Christmas Elf: Next.
Brittany S. Pierce: Just know, you have rights.
Mall Santa: Ho, ho, ho! What's your name?
Brittany S. Pierce: Brittany. You've gotten really tan.
Mall Santa: That's because at the North Pole there's a hole in the ozone.
Brittany S. Pierce: You're amazing. I know you're really busy, so I only want one thing for Christmas. Do you see my boyfriend over there? For Christmas, I want him to be able to walk. You can do that, can't you, Santa?
Mall Santa: Sure... I'm on it.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you so much, Santa.
Artie Abrams: Now we're screwed.



Rachel Berry: Now, remember, it has to be lush and romantic.
Finn Hudson: Why?
Rachel Berry: Because I am very specific when I give a gift. You don't know how many kittens I've given away because they haven't been just right. So, do you like my winter wonderland?
Finn Hudson: Well, I don't really like artificial Christmas trees. I like real ones. They smell amazing; that's kind of the whole point.
Rachel Berry: Right. Anyway... Merry Christmas. Being a Jew, I generally don't give Christmas gifts, but considering how much you care about the holiday I figured I'd make an exception. Just... read it. It's a note.
Finn Hudson: "The bearer of this note is entitled to one song of Rachel Berry's choosing, sung to him or her with love."
Rachel Berry: At least it's not a kitten. Come sit.
Finn Hudson: I-I don't think so. I know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work.
Rachel Berry: Look, not letting me apologize isn't fair.
Finn Hudson: I've let you apologize plenty, and I know that Christmas is supposed to be about forgiveness but... I'm not ready to forgive you, so please stop trying to make me.
Guitarist: Should we, like, leave?
Rachel Berry: # No. Whether it's a heart attack or heartbreak, just like on Broadway, the show must go on. Besides, the AV Club worked so hard on the snow. #
# Greeting cards have all been sent, #
# The Christmas rush is through, #
# But I still have one wish to make, #
# A special one for you, #
# Merry Christmas darling, #
# We're apart that's true, #
# But I can dream and in my dreams, #
# I'm Christmas-ing with you, #
# Holidays are joyful, #
# There's always something new, #
# But every day's a holiday, #
# When I'm near to you, #
# The lights on my tree, #
# I wish you could see, #
# I wish it every day, #
# The logs on the fire, #
# Fill me with desire, #
# To see you and to say, #
# That I wish you Merry Christmas #
# Happy New Year, too, #
# I've just one wish on this Christmas Eve, #
# I wish I were with you, #
# I wish I were with you, #
# Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, darling #



Blaine Anderson: Hey.
Kurt Hummel: You scared me.
Blaine Anderson: Good. Because I'm actually Marley's ghost, and : I'm here to tell you to stop studying so hard.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm. What's with the boom box?
Blaine Anderson: I need you to sing with me. Well, rehearse with me. I got a gig singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" in the King's Island Christmas Spectacular.
Kurt Hummel: Ah, a personal favorite. Too bad they'd never let us sing it together. I mean, as two... artists.
Blaine Anderson: Mmm. So you going to help me out here?
Kurt Hummel: Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne.
Blaine Anderson: Very good, then.
Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #
Blaine Anderson: # But baby, it's cold outside. #
Kurt Hummel: # I've got to go away. #
Blaine Anderson: # But baby, it's cold outside. #
Kurt Hummel: # This evening has been... #
Blaine Anderson: # Been hoping that you'd drop in. #
Kurt Hummel: # ...so very nice. #
Blaine Anderson: # I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice. #
Kurt Hummel: # My mother will start to worry. #
Blaine Anderson: # Beautiful, what's your hurry? #
Kurt Hummel: # My father will be pacing the floor. #
Blaine Anderson: # Listen to the fireplace roar. #
Kurt Hummel: # So really, I'd better scurry. #
Blaine Anderson: # Beautiful, please don't hurry. #
Kurt Hummel: # But maybe just a half a drink more. #
Blaine Anderson: # Put some records on while I pour. #
Kurt Hummel: # The neighbors might think. #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby, it's bad out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # Say, what's in this drink? #
Blaine Anderson: # No cabs to be had out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # I wish I knew how... #
Blaine Anderson: # Your eyes are like starlight now. #
Kurt Hummel: # ...to break the spell. #
Blaine Anderson: # I'll take your hat; your hair looks well. #
Kurt Hummel: # I ought to say no, no, no, Sir. #
Blaine Anderson: # Mind if I move in closer? #
Kurt Hummel: # At least I'm gonna say that I tried. #
Blaine Anderson: # What's the sense in hurting my pride? #
Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby, don't hold out. #
Kurt & Blaine: # Ah/Oh, but/Baby it's cold outside. #
Kurt Hummel: # I've gotta get home. #
Blaine Anderson: # But baby, you'll freeze out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # Say, lend me your coat. #
Blaine Anderson: # It's up to your knees out there. #
Kurt Hummel: # You've really been grand. #
Blaine Anderson: # I thrill when you touch my hand. #
Kurt Hummel: # But don't you see. #
Blaine Anderson: # How can you do this thing to me? #
Kurt Hummel: # There's bound to be talk tomorrow. #
Blaine Anderson: # Think about a life long sorrow. #
Kurt Hummel: # At least there will be plenty implied. #
Blaine Anderson: # If you caught pneumonia and died. #
Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #
Blaine Anderson: # Get over that hold out. #
Kurt & Blaine: # Ahh/Oh, but/Baby it's cold outside! #
Kurt Hummel: I think you're ready.
Blaine Anderson: Well, for the record, you are much better than that girl's going to be.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schuester.
Will Schuester: Oh, good to see you, Kurt. Someone special?
Kurt Hummel: No, just a friend. But on the upside, I am in love with him, and he's actually gay. I call that progress.
Will Schuester: How you doing?
Kurt Hummel: Classes are harder, but the kids are kinder. But I miss you guys a lot, though. So what brings you here? Are you looking for teaching at a place where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?
Will Schuester: Actually, I need some holiday help. I don't know if you know this, but I am really bad at Christmas shopping.



Terri Schuester: Oh, honey, just what I wanted. Jumper cables.



Will Schuester: This year, I drew Sue in the office pool Secret Santa. And I tell you, I... I can't think of anything good. And you are so great at shopping, I thought I'd...
Kurt Hummel: I have the perfect idea.



Will Schuester: I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa.
Will Schuester: Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa.
Shannon Beiste: No, Sue's my Secret Santa.



Sue Sylvester: I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those wherever.
Emma Pillsbury: You rigged Secret Santa?
Shannon Beiste: How? It was my idea.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful. Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion.
Emma Pillsbury: You filled your tub with your name only.
Sue Sylvester: You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless. See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella.
Will Schuester: That was Kurt's idea.
Sue Sylvester: Ah-ah-ah, William. These gifts are legally mine. Now, you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft.
Will Schuester: We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue.
Emma Pillsbury: You're not going to get away with this.
Sue Sylvester: I think I already have. William, Elmo, you, get the hell out of my office.
Shannon Beiste: I just got to say, this is a really expensive blender. It's top of the line.
Sue Sylvester: At ease, Becky.



Sue Sylvester: I'm gonna stop you right here. Why are you wearing that hat?
Lauren Zizes: Because it's Christmas and it's fun.
Sue Sylvester: No, it's offensive. You're wearing a Santa Claus hat, and yet you're handing me no gifts. I need gifts.
Lauren Zizes: You want my hat?
Sue Sylvester: It's a start.
Becky Jackson: Coach, we've got a problem.



Will Schuester: Thanks, guys. Those go under the tree in the choir room. Plop it down there. Thank you. Can you believe it? Six different people got Sue a Shake Weight.
Shannon Beiste: Mmm.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, go into the glove box of my LeCar and bring me my tear gas. Then, get me Gloria Allred.
Will Schuester: Merry Christmas, Sue. As you can see, we're repo'ing your gifts. Most can't be returned since you inexplicably opened all of them.
Sue Sylvester: And I licked each one so no one would touch them.
Will Schuester: So the staff has agreed to donate them to the homeless kids at McKinney-Vento. I mean, what is your problem anyway? Were you one of those kids who never got presents at Christmas?
Sue Sylvester: Yes, Dr. Laura. As a matter of fact, I was, and I'm making up for it now.
Shannon Beiste: Face it, Sue. We won.
Sue Sylvester: This will not stand. I have legal rights to those gifts.
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? You don't. I checked with human resources, and because you misrepresented yourself, it is within our legal right to take back these gifts. Ho, ho, ho. You know what you are, Sue? You're a grinch.



Shannon Beiste: Are you guys punking me? I thought we were cool after you sang me that song.
Artie Abrams: This is serious, Coach.
Sam Evans: Remember when you were a kid, the way you felt when you came downstairs on Christmas morning, seeing that Santa had come?
Shannon Beiste: I do love Santa Claus. One year, I asked him for a full set of free weights. Kept asking my dad, "How did Santy get those 75-pound dumbbells down the chimney?" Should have suspected something when Dad was in traction until the end of January.
Noah Puckerman: You've got the perfect Santa body type.
Shannon Beiste: Watch it, Puckerman.
Sam Evans: Look, we rented the suit. All you need to do is put it on.
Artie Abrams: Just tell her that you can't give her the gift of me walking this year.
Shannon Beiste: That seems so harsh and not at all like Santa.
Artie Abrams: She asked Santa for the impossible— me walking again. If Christmas morning comes around and I'm not dancing in Glee Club rehearsal with no personal explanation from her idol, she's going to lose faith in Old Saint Nick, and we can't have that.
Sam Evans: Tell her the elves are working on it. Elves have awesome cord blood for stem cell research, but these advances are a few years away.
Shannon Beiste: Okay.
Artie Abrams: Great. And then we need you to break into her house.
Shannon Beiste: What? No. No way!
Artie Abrams: The back door will be open. I-I talked to her parents; they really want her to believe, too.



Becky Jackson: Look, Coach. The janitor staff got you hideous gloves.
Sue Sylvester: Give me those. They'll come in handy. No fingerprints. Suit up, Becky.
Becky Jackson: I don't understand why we have to dress up, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Well, this way, if anyone sees us, we'll have plausible deniability. I repeat, you are a "rein-dog." Trust me, they're real. How am I looking?
Becky Jackson: Fantastic, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you know, Becky, my mastery of camouflage is the only thing that kept me from being court-martialed after that My Lai misunderstanding.
Becky Jackson: Copy that.
Sue Sylvester: Now, let's go get what is rightfully mine. Schuester thinks I'm a grinch, well, that's exactly what he's gonna get.



k.d. lang.: # You’re a mean one #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You really are a heel #
# You’re as cuddly as a cactus #
# You’re as charming as an eel #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel #
# You’re a monster #
# Sue the Grinch #
# Your hearts an empty hole #
# Your brain is full of spiders #
# You’ve got garlic in your soul #
# Sue the Grinch #
# I wouldn’t touch you with a #
# 39 and a half Foot pole #
# You’re a foul one #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You’re a nasty wasty skunk #
# Your heart is full of unwashed socks, #
# Your soul is full of gunk #
# Sue the Grinch #
Sue Sylvester: Becky, load it up.
Brittany S. Pierce: Santa?
Sue Sylvester: Why, Brittany. What are you doing here?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm bringing a gift to put under the tree for the homeless kids. It's a dollhouse. At least their dolls won't be homeless. What are you doing, Santa?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you see, Brittany, uh, one of the lights on the tree isn't working. So I'm bringing it back home to my workshop. I'll fix it up there, and I'll bring it back here. Oh. Shuffle on home.



Mercedes Jones: They took everything.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Including all of Sue's Secret Santa gifts we were gonna give to the homeless kids.
Rachel Berry: Only further proof that everyone in this school hates us no matter what we do.
Will Schuester: It's not the school. It's Sue. She did this.
Brittany S. Pierce: It wasn't Sue, it was Santa. He said a light was out on the tree, he'd fix everything. We just need to let him do his thing.
Will Schuester: Okay. Are you sure Santa was a boy and not a girl, Brittany?
Brittany S. Pierce: I swear on my life. Santa's a boy; everybody knows that.
Rachel Berry: It was probably one of the boys on the football team.
Will Schuester: I guess it wasn't Sue.
Finn Hudson: So our tree is gone. So our presents are missing.
Brittany S. Pierce: Santa's probably fixing any dents or chips as we speak.
Finn Hudson: All around the world today, way worse things have happened to people than this. Sorry, but I'm not going to let this get us down. 'Tis the season.
Will Schuester: I agree. Come on, guys, let's clean this up. Come on.
Rachel Berry: Finn. You and I are the leaders of this club. All right, we need to fix this. We have to put everything that's happened behind us and save Christmas for the Glee Club. I want to make this right.



Finn Hudson: You smell kind of funny.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I, um, I put this on for the car ride over. I know how much you love the smell of Christmas pine. But guess I don't really need it now that we have the real thing. It's so cold out. It's cuddle weather.
Finn Hudson: It's unseasonably warm, actually, for this time of year, but, uh...
Rachel Berry: I just, I really wanted to come here with you. I mean, the Christmas tree is the foundation of Christmas. It's the hearth of the Christmas home. Without it, there wouldn't be anywhere to hang the ornaments or put the presents under.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Whenever we put the tree up, I always knew Christmas was really here. This one's too small. But, uh...
Rachel Berry: Oh, I love this song. It's, uh, it's my favorite Christmas song. It's Wham!
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Cool. Um... I'm going to look down this row of Frasier firs. Maybe you could check out the Douglases and I'll meet you at the end.
Rachel Berry: Okay.
# Last Christmas, #
# I gave you my heart #
# But the very next day you gave it away #
# This year #
# To save me from tears #
# I'll give it to someone special #
# Once bitten and twice shy #
# I keep my distance #
# But you still catch my eye #
# Tell me baby #
# Do you recognize me? #
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
Rachel Berry: # Well, it's been a year #
Finn & Rachel: # It doesn't surprise me #
Rachel Berry: # Christmas #
Finn & Rachel: # I wrapped it up and sent it #
# With a note saying "I love you" I meant it #
# Now I know what a fool I've been #
# But if you kissed me now #
# I know you'd fool me again #
New Directions: # Last Christmas #
# I gave you my heart #
Finn Hudson: # But the very next day you gave it away #
Rachel Berry: # Gave it away #
Finn Hudson: # This year #
# To save me from tears #
# I'll give it to someone special. #
Rachel Berry: # Last Christmas #
# I gave you my heart #
New Directions: # But the very next day you gave it away #
Rachel Berry: # You gave me away #
New Directions: # This year #
# To save me from tears #
Finn Hudson: # I'll give it to someone special #
Rachel Berry: # Special #
Last year, for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you.
Finn Hudson: It's not last year anymore.
Rachel Berry: It's Christmas, Finn. It's time for you to forgive me.
Finn Hudson: No, I-I can't. Okay? This is wrong. I shouldn't, I shouldn't have brought you here. You messed me up, Rachel. Can't you see how screwed-up I am about this? I've had two girlfriends, and both of them have cheated on me. Maybe you can ask Santa again for me next year. I'm officially breaking up with you.



Finn Hudson: This was my dad's.
Mike Chang: He'd want you to do it— for those kids.
Noah Puckerman: This was my uncle's. It's the first thing I ever stole, actually.
Quinn Fabray: I'm going to look terrible.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the Rosemary's Baby look and still look good. I'm going to look like Jackie Chan.
Rachel Berry: If Barbra can pull off a bob, so can I.
Santana Lopez: Enough yapping, let's do this.
Will Schuester: Whoa! Whoa! What are you guys doing?
Mercedes Jones: We're going all "Gift of the Magi" to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies.
Sam Evans: The guys are gonna sell their watches and the girls are gonna sell off their hair.
Will Schuester: You can't do that.
Santana Lopez: Oh, no, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine, anyways.
Will Schuester: No, I mean, that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmastime.
Rachel Berry: No, but we tried caroling, and it didn't work.
Artie Abrams: Wait, I thought you and Finn were getting us a new tree.
Rachel Berry: We went, but Finn bailed before we could get one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Nice Christmas spirit, Finn.
Will Schuester: Wait! Guys, no more fighting. Have any of you ever actually read "Gift of the Magi"? None of you?
Quinn Fabray: You don't have to read "Gift of the Magi"; everybody knows what it's about.
Will Schuester: Well, if you actually read it, you'd know what it's about.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know what it's about— life freakin' sucks.
Will Schuester: Actually, you're right. The first Christmas you remember having is the greatest day of your life. Your family's all together, there are loads of presents, cookies. The magic is alive and well. But before you know it, you grow up. Work and school and girlfriends take over and Christmas becomes more of an obligation, a reminder of what's lost instead of what's possible. And all of the trees and the presents and even the mistletoe can't change that. And then when you get to my age... you're so desperate to get that magic back, you'd do anything to be able to feel how you did that first Christmas.
Finn Hudson: So what should we do?
Will Schuester: Put your scissors down, put your watches back on. We're gonna go out and find some people who really need some Christmas spirit, and we are gonna sing for them.



Brittany S. Pierce: Get a good night's rest, Ken, you're gonna need it. Barbie took the early flight from Tampa. Santa? But it's too early.
Shannon Beiste: Well, you know what they say. Early's late if you make tomorrow yesterday.
Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
Shannon Beiste: You know, Brittany, I was in the neighborhood, doing a dry run. I have so many houses to visit on Christmas Eve, I got to make sure it goes off without a hitch. How about you come sit with ol' Santy? Okay! How about you sit next to Santy instead? Santy's just a little stinky. He needs a good ol' sponge bath from Mrs. Claus. Brittany, do you remember what you asked me for for Christmas?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I asked for Artie to be able to walk.
Shannon Beiste: Is there anything else that you want? I mean, like, anything?
Brittany S. Pierce: No.
Shannon Beiste: Well, see, Santa's trying his best, but that one's a little hard.
Brittany S. Pierce: But you're magic.
Shannon Beiste: Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good girl like you is patience, because, believe it or not, there are even some things that he can't manage. You know, there was a girl a little younger than you and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santy for the same thing: to make her look more like the other girls. She wasn't asking to be pretty or nothing. But she just didn't want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn't do it. So instead Santa gave her patience. And later on, that girl was... was glad that Santy didn't give her what she had asked him for. She— she put being husky to good use.
Brittany S. Pierce: Was her name Ricki Lake?
Shannon Beiste: The point is... I don't think I'm going to be able to give you what you're asking for, even though I'd like to.
Brittany S. Pierce: But, Santa...
Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry, pumpkin. It's-it's just not going to happen.
Brittany S. Pierce: Aren't you going to go up the chimney?
Shannon Beiste: On dry runs, Santy uses the Isuzu.



Artie Abrams: What's going on?
Brittany S. Pierce: I think I've lost the Christmas spirit. It's Santa. I don't know if I can tell you. I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn't magical, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore. It isn't fair that you can't walk, Artie. I feel so terrible.
Artie Abrams: Hey, look at me. I'm fine.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys, we need you in the teachers' lounge.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Schue— Brittany's not feeling so good. Santa thing. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to take her home, make sure she's okay.
Will Schuester: Good idea. We'll make do without you.
Artie Abrams: Okay.



Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so we're your students. All year long you suffer through dealing with us. I imagine having some of us in your classes would slowly chip away at your hopes and dreams, until the whole world just felt like a never-ending nightmare of pain...
Will Schuester: Just get to the point, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Right. Uh, anyway, we're here today to help raise money for children that have a lot less than we do. And I know some of us have had a hard Christmas, but what we've come to learn is that no matter how tough things get, there isn't anything that more Santa or a couple more jingle bells can't cure.



Sue Sylvester: Well, Becky, we did it. We got all my presents back. And as satisfying as it is to have been gifted enough rotisserie ovens to roast an entire hobo— for me, the real joy of Christmas was breaking the collective heart of the Glee Club.
Becky Jackson: What's that, Coach?



Rachel Berry: # Oooooo
# Wooaahhh
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas come this way
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day
Artie Abrams: # Welcome, welcome fahoo ramus
Rachel Berry: # Welcome, welcome dahoo damus
Rachel & Artie: # Christmas Day is in our grasp
# So long as we have hands to clasp
Rachel Berry: # Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas bring your cheer
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome all
# Whos far and near
Artie Abrams: # Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus
Rachel Berry: # Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus
# Christmas time will always be
# Just so long as we have glee
Rachel & Artie: # Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas bring your light
Becky Jackson: Christmas came anyway, Coach. It's beautiful.
Sue Sylvester: It is.



Finn Hudson: How much did we raise?
Noah Puckerman: 210 bucks. And that's after my cut. I'm kidding.
Rachel Berry: Now that you're divorced and Ms. Pillsbury married another guy, I guess you'll be spending Christmas Eve alone.
Will Schuester: Yes, Rachel, I am.
Rachel Berry: Well, I know how painful being alone can feel, so if you want, you can come over to my house. We're going to eat Chinese and watch The Main Event.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Rachel. I think I'm going to pass. Nothing wrong with being alone.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie.
Artie Abrams: It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time, but... check me out.
Quinn Fabray: Where did you get it?
Brittany S. Pierce: We went home and it was sitting under my Christmas tree.
Sam Evans: How the hell did you afford that thing?
Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer.
Artie Abrams: I assumed her dad got it for me, but he has no idea where it came from. He went to take a long poop, and when he came back it was there.
Rachel Berry: So if no one we know bought it for you, then...
Brittany S. Pierce: Santa brought it.
Mercedes Jones: Santa.
Artie Abrams: Santa.
Quinn Fabray: A real Christmas miracle.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, Will.
Will Schuester: How— how did you get in here?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I had a key made ages ago. How do you like your tree?
Will Schuester: Uh, it's-it's- it's beautiful. Wha-what's going on? What's with all the presents?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you remember that old meanie who stole all that stuff out of the choir room? Well, she's sorry.
Will Schuester: Really? And what made her change her mind?
Sue Sylvester: I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something, but, uh... I got you something special. It's okay, it's not going to explode. I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Sue. The tree really does look great.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Santa had some helpers.
Rachel Berry: No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester.
Sue Sylvester: Too much talking, lady, not enough trimming. Come on, let's get some Christmas up in here.
Will Schuester: I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue Sylvester: No, I just hate you.
Will Schuester: Merry Christmas, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Merry Christmas, Will.
外部リンク
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211. The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

放送日:2011年2月6日


Katy Perry: # I know a place #
# Where the grass is really greener #
# Warm, wet and wild #
# There must be something in the water #
# You can travel the world #
# But nothing comes close to the Golden Coast #
# California gurls #
# We're undeniable #
# Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it unlocked #
# West coast, represent #
# Now put your hands up #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh #
# California #
# California gurls. #
Sue Sylvester: I'm bored. Ladies, I am at a loss. Brittany, please remind me of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map.
Brittany S. Pierce: In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders called The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
Sue Sylvester: That is correct. And in the meantime, what's changed?
Quinn Fabray: Personal grooming habits?
Sue Sylvester: What's changed is I have completely lost interest. And ladies, I blame you. Becky- more silicone falsies.
Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets, in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed.
Quinn Fabray: But Coach Sylvester, this is the most elaborate routine the Cheerios have ever done. We're shoo-ins at Regionals next week, and we're the favorite to win at Nationals.
Sue Sylvester: And yet I am still so very bored. Even things I used to think were hilarious... Case in point. Sandbags, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet. Now slap Brittany. See? Not even a chuckle.
Quinn Fabray: The problem is you keep trying to make a bigger and bigger spectacle. No matter how hard we try, we can't make a routine work unless you find a way to make it interesting for you. You have to find a way to top yourself.
Sue Sylvester: Q, you just may have a point. But to be sure, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet.



Shannon Beiste: Okay, here go.
Finn Hudson: All right, I just want to take a minute to tell you guys how proud of you I am. We didn't even have to win this game to go to championship next week, but nobody took it off. When we take a knee, we're gonna finish first in conference for the first time in McKinley history.
Noah Puckerman: Football is back, bitches!
Dave Karofsky: Maybe we should all break out into a song after we win.
Finn Hudson: Hey, shut it, Karofsky.
Dave Karofsky: No fricking way. I figure if I stay on you, you'll run away like your little butt buddy Hummel.
Finn Hudson: That's funny, Karofsky, how you're calling everybody gay all the time, but you never seem to have a girlfriend.
Azimio Adams: It's okay. It's okay.
Dave Karofsky: I really hope that linebacker doesn't get the jump on me. I bet it would hurt like hell to get sacked by him.
Football Player: Break!
Football Players: Break!
Finn Hudson: All right. Slow left on one. Ready? Break!
Football Players: Break!
Shannon Beiste: Come on, boys. Let's go.
Finn Hudson: Down! Set!
Football Player: Whoo!
Finn Hudson: Hut!
Dave Karofsky: Nice hands.



Shannon Beiste: What a joke. What the hell happened?! Finn, you're the captain, talk!
Finn Hudson: Karofsky sucks, that's what happened!
Dave Karofsky: That's crap! Hudson's a frickin' girl and couldn't take a joke about his precious Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: Because I'm sick of you guys getting down on us for it. We're in Glee Club. What's the big deal?
Christopher Strando: It's embarrassing! We're dudes! Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Ke$ha song? It's freakin' weird.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah? Well, maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all TiK ToK on your face.
Dave Karofsky: Bring it, Puckerman.
Shannon Beiste: That's enough! That's enough!
Dave Karofsky: Championship game or not, I am not blocking for him.
Shannon Beiste: Get the hell out of here!
Dave Karofsky: Fine!
Shannon Beiste: Go!
Dave Karofsky: Good!
Shannon Beiste: Bunch of babies!



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss.
Sue Sylvester: Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.
Tattooist: Wait. It's Syvlester, right? Sue Syvlester?



Sue Sylvester: How do I make things interesting again? How do I get those juices flowing? That's it.



Cannonball Guy: This here is the A950.
Sue Sylvester: You say this could shoot someone across a football field?
Cannonball Guy: Several football fields, if you pack in enough explosives. Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe. See, if you want to go for more than, say, 50 yards, you're looking about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure.
Sue Sylvester: Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success. This is the button, right?
Cannonball Guy: No, no, no, no!
Sue Sylvester: You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk, but fella... I'll take it. You got a smaller one?
Cannonball Guy: I'll check stock.
Sue Sylvester: I'm back.



Azimio Adams: So I was going through my bucket list and I noticed you were the only Glee loser that I haven't slushied yet.
Dave Karofsky: Damn near broke his heart.
Artie Abrams: Well, what about the moral implications of abusing a kid in a wheelchair?
Azimio Adams: I say, equal opportunity for all.



Will Schuester: This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club has been going on since I started running the club.
Shannon Beiste: Maybe. It just seems like it's so much worse right now. I've won division championships at three different schools. You have to understand what winning means to a community. Grades go up, the streets are cleaner, crime goes down. It's a sense of pride, of unity. And this school deserves that.
Will Schuester: And you are going to get it for us. I mean, you won almost every game this year.
Shannon Beiste: Winning conference was easy. The team we're up against for championship- they're much better than us. If you don't have thtalent, you re on the chemistry. They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other.
Will Schuester: This whole thing is just so weird. I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee Club.
Shannon Beiste: I just don't know what to do.
Will Schuester: Do you trust me?
Shannon Beiste: You're not going to try and kiss me again, are you?
Will Schuester: If you trust me, I think I know a way to get your team united again.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Really fast. Oh, my God- Artie!
Artie Abrams: It was awful.
Finn Hudson: That's it! Screw rehearsal! This ends here and now.
Noah Puckerman: We're gonna go all Thunderdome on those guys.
Christopher Strando: So this is what the ladies lounge looks like on the inside.
Sam Evans: This is the choir room. Now, put up your fists because you and I are going to do some dancing.
Finn Hudson: No, I got this, Sam.
Dave Karofsky: Coach Beiste told us to come. Where is she?
Shannon Beiste: Watch it. Everyone, have a seat.
Will Schuester: You, too, guys. All right, New Directions!, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Hey! Come on! Guys!
Shannon Beiste: Hey!
Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.
Rachel Berry: And there's no way that I'm sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.
Will Schuester: I don't disagree with you guys. But I talked to Coach Beiste about it, and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool- find some common ground.
Shannon Beiste: All of you are going to be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.
Dave Karofsky: She's bluffing- next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team.
Shannon Beiste: With you, I have no team! You guys have gotta find a way to come together or we're going to get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.
Azimio Adams: If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors.
Finn Hudson: Do you even have any idea what we do in here?
Will Schuester: No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?
Rachel Berry: Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.
# Picture perfect memories #
# Scattered all around the floor #
# Reaching for the phone #
# 'Cause I can't fight it anymore #
Noah & Rachel: # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind #
Rachel Berry: # For me, it happens all the time #
Noah & Rachel: # It's a quarter after one #
# I'm all alone, and I need you n #
# Said I wouldn't call #
# But I've lost all control and I need you now #
# And I don't know how I can do without #
# I just need you now #
Noah Puckerman: # Another shot of whiskey #
# Can't stop looking at the door #
# Wishing you'd come sweeping in #
# The way you did before #
Noah & Rachel: # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind #
Noah Puckerman: # For me, it happens all the time #
Rachel Berry: # It's a quarter after one #
# I'm all alone and I need you now #
Noah Puckerman: # And I said I wouldn't call #
# But I'm a little drunk, and I need you now #
Noah & Rachel: # And I don't know how I can do without #
# I just need you now #
Azimio Adams: The girl with the mohawk had a really nice voice.
Noah Puckerman: Funny.
Football Player: Yeah, man. That's good.
Shannon Beiste: Hey! Hey, get back.
Will Schuester: Great first day, right?
Shannon Beiste: Awesome.
Rachel Berry: Let me at that guy!



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Noah Puckerman: Hey. We used to be best friends... before I got your girlfriend pregnant, and then made out with your other girlfriend and...
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Anyways... I gotta be honest. I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.
Finn Hudson: What's your point?
Noah Puckerman: My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of Top Gun.
Finn Hudson: So why'd youing that duet with Rachel?



Rachel Berry: I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.



Noah Puckerman: Nothing like that will ever happen again. You lead, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends.



Sue Sylvester: Ladies, my "Sue-clear" Weapon. Becky. Brittany... Climb on up. Congratulations. You're doing this stunt for the big competition.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.
Sue Sylvester: Fine. To put your toddler, fist-sized mind at ease, we'll do one final test run. Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.
Quinn Fabray: Don't worry, I'll talk to Mr. Schue and take care of this.



Principal Figgins: Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!
Sue Sylvester: Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. The same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.
Will Schuester: Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk.
Sue Sylvester: I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You are not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
Principal Figgins: But the risk and danger isn't to you!
Sue Sylvester: That's the best part.
Principal Figgins: Enough! It's decided. You are not allowed to fire yone out of that cannon without their consent! Huh. It's coming out of your paycheck- every penny of it! Oh, God!
Will Schuester: It's a lawsuit.



Will Schuester: I'm telling you, I wish you could have seen it. Sort of like that.
Shannon Beiste: What the hell are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: I'm seing a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.
Will Schuester: Sue!
Shannon Beiste: What the crap are we gonna do now?
Will Schuester: I got it.



Dave Karofsky: No frickin' way!
Will Schuester: We don't have a choice. Sue pulled the Cheerios from the game, so if we don't do it, there's no halftime show.
Lauren Zizes: And this is a problem because?
Shannon Beiste: It's not a problem. It's an opportunity.
Christopher Strando: Opportunity to humiliate ourselves.
Shannon Beiste: Hey! The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together; to bring the school together.
Azimio Adams: Wait- so you want us to play the first half, change into some "sequeen" ball gowns, and then go out and do the halftime show at our own championship game?
Shannon Beiste: Yes.
Azimio Adams: It's the championship game! This is a crazy town. Crazy. This is crazy!
Finn Hudson: What about the Cheerios in Glee Club?
Will Schuester: They have a choice. Us, or the Cheerios competition.
Rachel Berry: Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios. I mean...
Finn Hudson: Well, that's not fair. You don't know what she's gonna do.
Will Schuester: I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time. The Super Bowl of pop anthems- "Thriller." Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? In the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here.
Mercedes Jones: I mean, don't get me wrong, you know- I'm big on Michael and everything- but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?
Will Schuester: Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll."
Azimio Adams: Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?
Shannon Beiste: All right, New Directions!, Titans, we're going to Zombie Camp.



Will Schuester: Uh, five, six, seven, eight. Time out. Time out. Time out.
Dave Karofsky: Back off!
Christopher Strando: Karofsky!
Shannon Beiste: Knock it off!
Will Schuester: Okay, guys. It's good, but let's... put a little life into it.
Dave Karofsky: But we're dead.
Will Schuester: Then put some afterlife into it. t out of your heads and get into your characters, all right? Very creative. I like that. Five, six, seven, eight. All right! Nice progress, guys. Now let's take a breather, and I'll see you in the choir room in five minutes, for a lesson in zombie makeup.
Azimio Adams: Makeup?!? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shannon Beiste: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Will Schuester: Hey, Dave. Talk to you for a second?
Dave Karofsky: Look, I know I'm bad. Can you just spare me, so can we get through this?
Will Schuester: That's not what I was going to say at all. You're actually really good. If you took that energy you used bullying people and put it into this, you'd be one of most talented guys in the school. Just think about it.



Rachel Berry: ... makeup artist.
Dave Karofsky: Hey, I need to talk to you.
Finn Hudson: Can we not fight for just one day? Man, it's already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you.
Dave Karofsky: You think maybe we should do a warm-up number or something before we do that big "Thriller" thing at halftime? You know, I figure the only way I'm gonna keep any street cred around here after dancing around like an idiot in front of the whole school is if we kick ass at it.
Finn Hudson: Uh... yeah... couldn't agree more.



Brittany S. Pierce: Zombie camp was funner than I expected. And the glee club together with the football team- it's like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.
Quinn Fabray: What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition, then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn.
Santana Lopez: Oh, I'm not.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm Brittany.
Sue Sylvester: Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
Quinn Fabray: What were you doing in there?
Sue Sylvester: Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops. Well, I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature, tendering your resignation from the Glee Club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you, handwritten and in crayon from the Human Cannon, saying how much it misses you.
Quinn Fabray: Coach, that cannon is going to get Brittany killed. Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national champiohip?
Sue Sylvester: Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.
Quinn Fabray: This is ridiculous.
Sue Sylvester: You had quite a year last year, Q. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios uniform. Ladies, I am giving you the chance, right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios, or choose the Glee Club.



Finn Hudson: How the hell could you do this?
Quinn Fabray: Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What were we supposed to do?
Finn Hudson: Uh, quit Cheerios? Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass- us, Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: And you don't think that I feel awful about that?
Finn Hudson: You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, you are so naive. This whole school is about labels.
Finn Hudson: Wow. I never realized you were sfreakin' weak.
Quinn Fabray: Oh. I...
Sam Evans: What did you say?
Finn Hudson: All the Cheerios quit Glee Club.
Sam Evans: So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it?
Finn Hudson: I'm yelling at her because I'm the leader of this team.
Sam Evans: Well, maybe it's time for a change at the top.
Finn Hudson: What's that supposed to mean?
Quinn Fabray: This is kind of hot, actually.
Sam Evans: It means that maybe the reason everyone hates us is because we need some new leadership. Face it, you've had your feet in both worlds for a year, and never been able to bring them together. Maybe someone else could.
Finn Hudson: What, as in maybe you?
Sam Evans: As in yes.
Finn Hudson: Well, maybe we should settle this right now.
Sam Evans: Bring it.
Finn Hudson: Brung. Want some more of that? Huh? Yeah. You like that? Huh?
Quinn Fabray: Really, guys? Really.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey! How many fights do I have to break up this week? Now calm down... and get back to Glee Club. Come on.
Finn Hudson: Hope to see you there.



Finn Hudson: # Well, no one told me about her #
# The way she lied #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# How many people cried #
# Well, it's too late to say you're sorry #
# How would I know? #
# Why should I care? #
# Please don't bother trying to find her #
# She's not there #
# Well, let me tell you about the way she looked #
# The way she acted, the color of her hair #
# Her voice is soft and cool #
# Her eyeare clear and bright, but she's not there #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# What could I do? #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# Though they all knew #
# Well, it's too late to say you're sorry #
# How would I know? #
# Why should I care? #
# Please don't bother trying to find her #
# She's not there #
# Well, let me tell you about the way she looked #
# The way she acted, the color of her hair! #
# Her voice is soft and cool #
# Her eyes are clear and bright, but she's not there. #
Lauren Zizes: It's all good.
Will Schuester: Guys... Awesome! Seriously. All you football players nailing that Zombies classic on the first time out. I am impressed.



Scott Cooper: Appropriate outfits. They represent the death of your guyses' reign at this school.
Finn Hudson: How many times do we have to put you puckheads in your place before you realize that football rules this school?
Scott Cooper: Maybe, but not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show. You know it, we know it, the whole school knows it.
Dave Karofsky: They'll think different after they see it. It's going to be awesome.
Scott Cooper: Holy crap. They turned Karofsky gay.
Noah Puckerman: What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushees?
Scott Cooper: Ready for the fireworks? It's Independence Day.



Dave Karofsky: Oh, my eyes! It's burning!
Finn Hudson: Just relax; it stops after a couple hours.
Dave Karofsky: No frickin' way I'm letting that happen again.
Artie Abrams: He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial.
Dave Karofsky: No! I am not a loser. And I don't sing and dance. I walk tall d carra big stick.
Finn Hudson: Dude, relax... this is gonna be fine.
Dave Karofsky: Yeah, of course it is. 'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.
Shannon Beiste: No, you're not. Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven, you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on the field.
Dave Karofsky: I don't care. I'm out.
Shannon Beiste: Then you're off the team.
Dave Karofsky: No way.
Shannon Beiste: Yeah.
Dave Karofsky: If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week. It's the championship game. You're not going to throw it away.
Shannon Beiste: Try me.
Finn Hudson: Don't do this. If we stand together, and we do the halftime show, we can win this game and be kings in this place.
Dave Karofsky: Good luck with that.



The Warblers: # Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding #
# Ding-a, ding-a, ka-ding, ding #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding, ding #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding #
# Dink-a, dink-a, dink-a, dink-a, dink #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding #
# Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
Blaine Anderson: # At first, we started out real cool #
# Taking me places I ain't never been #
# But now you're getting comfortable #
# Ain't doing those things you did no more #
# You're slowly making me pay for things #
# Your money should be handling #
# And now you ask to use my car #
The Warblers: # Car #
Blaine Anderson: # Drive it all day and don't fill up the tank #
# And you have the audacity #
# To even come and step to me #
# Ask to hold some money from me #
# Until you get your check next week #
# You trifling #
# Good-for-nothing type of brother #
# Silly me #
# Why haven't lound another? #
# A baller #
# When times get hard, I need someone to help me out #
# Instead of a scrub like you #
# Who don't know what a man's about #
# Can you pay my bills? #
# Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Do you pay my automo-bills? #
# If you did, then maybe we could chill #
# I don't think you do #
# So you and me are through #
The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
Blaine Anderson: # You trifling, good-for-nothing #
# Type of brother #
# Silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? A baller #
# When times get hard, I need someone to help me out #
# Instead of a scrub like you #
# Who don't know what a man's about #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my bills? #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
# If you did, then maybe we could chill #
Blaine Anderson: # I don't think you do, no #
# So you and me are through #
The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
Blaine Anderson: # You trifling #
# Good-for-nothing type of brother #
# O silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? #
# You trifling, good-for-nothing type of brother #
# Oh, silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my bills?
# Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
Blaine Anderson: # Pay my telephone, telephone bills #
The Warblers: # If you did, then maybe we could chill #
Blaine Anderson: # I don't think you do #
# So you and me are through #
The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
# Can you pay my bills #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
# Can you pay my bills? #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, said #
# I don't think you do #
# I don't think you do, no, no #
# So you and me are through. #
Guys, I'd say we're ready for Regionals.



Kurt Hummel: Medium drip.
Blaine Anderson: Me. Thank you very much. Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for Regionals, because the number we just rehearsed is so off-the-hook, it's dangerous.
Kurt Hummel: Seriously. People should wear protective headgear when they're watching it. Guys, we're kidding.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.
Mercedes Jones: I mean, look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee- our school is so messed up, we can't even keep our own football team together.
Rachel Berry: It's so sad, you guys. Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue were so close to getting everyone at the school together.
Kurt Hummel: Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? I mean, we live together. I mean, I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes that we'll have a little lady-chat.
Blaine Anderson: Warm milk? Really?
Kurt Hummel: It's delicious.
Rachel Berry: Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside. I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together, I could make him feel a lot better, you know.
Kurt Hummel: Let it go, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I... I just wish thathere was a way that we could help. That's all. Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: And the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while.
Blaine Anderson: Wait, so the whole team quit?
Mercedes Jones: Everybody not in Glee. I mean, you can't play football with five guys. And one of them is in a wheelchair.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join. I think they'll take anyone at this point.
Blaine Anderson: Well, the good news is, you actually only need four more guys. High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short, if you want to. But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer them on.
Kurt Hummel: Totally. Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.



Shannon Beiste: I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season. You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play?
Will Schuester: It's like crossing a picket line. Nobody wants to be a scab.
Shannon Beiste: I guess we should go break it to them.



Sam Evans: Why can't we just let them back on the team, just for this game?
Shannon Beiste: No. We carry this thing through, even if it means having to forfeit the game.
Finn Hudson: I can't believe this is it.
Rachel Berry: Maybe it isn't. We want to join the team.
Artie Abrams: "We," who?
Mercedes Jones: All us Glee girls. We want to join the football team, and we want to play in the championship.
Mike Chang: Come on, guys. Stop screwing around. It's not cool.
Lauren Zizes: What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football. And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is. I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so...
Will Schuester: Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah. And not in the good, Mellencamp way.
Rachel Berry: We thought about that. But the truth is, is that you guys don't really need us to play. You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team. So when they snap the ball, we're just going to lie down on the ground. We're just going to lie there.
Lauren Zizes: Well, I'm not. I'm going to bring the pain.
Shannon Beiste: I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down.
Will Schuester: Okay, what do your parents have to say about this?
Tina Cohen-Chang: We all have signed permission slips from them. It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us.
Will Schuester: What do you think, Coach?
Shannon Beiste: I think... Welcome to the football team.
Girls of ND: Yes!
Rachel Berry: Football team, football team. High five, teammate.



Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't want to die.
Sue Sylvester: You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all "boom boom," and no "pow." And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.
Brittany S. Pierce: Baby cannons?
Sue Sylvester: And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work. Do you want us to win, or don't you?
Brittany S. Pierce: How many M's are there in the letter "R"?
Sue Sylvester: Make an "X."



Finn Hudson: It's not too late.
Dave Karofsky: To commit social suicide? How the hell you going to play with five guys, huh? You have got to be kidding me.
Azimio Adams: What the hell are they doing?
Finn Hudson: What you don't have the balls to do.
Azimio Adams: Stupid.
Finn Hudson: Are you ready for this?
Rachel Berry: Let's kick some ass!
Finn Hudson: Punch and Judy on one. Ready? Break!
Football Players: Break.
Mercedes Jones: Who's Judy?
Shannon Beiste: Let's go!
Rachel Berry: Where do I go?
Finn Hudson: Stand right there.
Rachel Berry: What do I do?
Lauren Zizes: You're gonna die.
Finn Hudson: Blue 42! Blue 42! Down! Set! Hike!
Shannon Beiste: Damn it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: What happened? What happened?
Rachel Berry: Is it over?
Finn Hudson: All right. How's everyone doing?
Mercedes Jones: Kill me now, I'm gonna die.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I want to play.
Finn Hudson: Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay? Ready? Break.
Shannon Beiste: All right, guys. Let's go!
Finn Hudson: Down!
Shannon Beiste: Blitz. Blitz. Watch.
Finn Hudson: Set! Hike!
Shannon Beiste: Get the ball! Get the ball! Get the ball! Come on! Get it! Get it! Go, go, go, go!
Burt Hummel: Go, go! Go!
Carole Hudson: Go, go, go!
Shannon Beiste: Go!
Mike Chang: Tina? Is she breathing?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Did we win?
Finn Hudson: We're still in this.
Rachel Berry: Give it up, Finn. Our only shot at redemption right now is to kick butt at the halftime show.
Finn Hudson: Sam! Come here. I need you to play quarterback for the rest of the half.
Sam Evans: Okay.
Finn Hudson: Puck, when the half ends, you gotta go convince Karofsky and the rest of the guys to do the halftime show with us.
Noah Puckerman: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Finn Hudson: Figure it out. You're my wingman, right?
Noah Puckerman: I got tone, Mav.
Rachel Berry: Where are you going?
Finn Hudson: Can't have a halftime show without cheerleaders.



Brittany S. Pierce: I'm gonna die.
Santana Lopez: It'll be worth it.
Finn Hudson: Hey!
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing here?
Finn Hudson: Stopping you from going to Sue's Regionals competition. You guys got to come to the game with me.
Quinn Fabray: Haven't you been payingttention? If we're not Cheerios!, we're nothing.
Finn Hudson: You think that, but it's not true. You joined Cheerios to be popular, but you joined Glee Club because you loved it. Sue doesn't care about you guys. She's fine killing Brittany. Tell me honestly. If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, which would you choose?
Brittany S. Pierce: Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: I know you, and you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this.
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
Finn Hudson: Okay?
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
Finn Hudson: What about you, Santana?
Santana Lopez: Screw her- she put me on the bottom of the pyramid.
Finn Hudson: Come on, we've oy got a few minutes.
Sue Sylvester: No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in five.
Quinn Fabray: We quit Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: You can't quit Cheerios. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.
Santana Lopez: We still quit.
Sue Sylvester: You're my stars. If you leave, I have no performance!
Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.



Dave Karofsky: Looking good out there, Puck.
Noah Puckerman: You know what? I don't want to hear it, Karofsky. I don't want to hear it from any of you. You're all a bunch of cowards. Coward losers.
Azimio Adams: Yeah, you're the only loser losing this game.
Noah Puckerman: You know, this is it. This is the moment of our lives. This is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about. This is our moment to actually win something, and you guys are sitting in the damn stands! I mean, you're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay, that you settle for being nothing. Well, we still have a whole half to play. And wean win this, guys, I know it.
Azimio Adams: What's the point, man? Beiste isn't going to let us play.
Noah Puckerman: She will if you come out and perform at the halftime show.
Azimio Adams: I'm in.
Christopher Strando: Me, too.
Dave Karofsky: No way.
Azimio Adams: Come on, man, I really want to win this game. It would mean so much to my dad, man.
Dave Karofsky: Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.
Noah Puckerman: Fine, Karofsky's out. Whatever. But the rest of you need to get in your zombie makeup and hit the field toot sweet. Come on, let's go!
Football Players: Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Let's do this!



Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
Artie Abrams: # It's close to midnight #
# And something evil's lurking in the dark #
# Under the moonlight #
# You see a sight that almost stops your heart #
# You try to scream #
Rachel & Artie: # But terror takes the sound before you make it #
Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll... heads will roll #
Artie Abrams: # You start to freeze #
Rachel & Artie: # As horror looks you right between the eyes #
Artie Abrams: # You're paralyzed #
# 'Cause this is thriller #
# Thriller night #
# And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike #
# You know it's thriller, thriller night #
# You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller #
# Tonight #
Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# Just dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Thriller tonight #
Finn Hudson: # Darkness falls across the land. #
# The midnight hour is close at hand. #
# Creatures crawl in search of blood. #
# To terrorize y'alls neighborhood. #
Santana Lopez: # Off with your head #
Finn Hudson: # And though you fight to stay alive, #
Santana Lopez: # Dance till you're dead #
Finn Hudson: # ... your body starts to shiver. #
Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll #
Finn Hudson: # For no mere mortal can resist... #
Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll, heads will roll #
Finn Hudson: # ...the evil of the thriller. #
Artie Abrams: # 'Cause this is thriller, thriller night #
# Girl, I can thrill you more #
# Than any ghost could ever dare try #
# Thriller #
# Ooh, hoo #
# Thriller night #
# So let me hold you tight and share a #
# Killer, thriller, oh! #
Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# D-dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-dance, danc dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #



Shannon Beiste: Hey! What are you guys doing in here?
Finn Hudson: Oh, we were gonna take our zombie makeup off for the second half- it's kind of itchy.
Shannon Beiste: No. Leave it on. Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit, and we need all the help we can get right now. Well, get out there.
Noah Puckerman: All of us?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. All of us.
Football Players: Yeah!
Shannon Beiste: Welcome back, boy. Get out there.



Girls of ND: Yeah!
Finn Hudson: Set! Hut-hut!
Football Player: Someone bit me! One of those zombies bit me!
Shannon Beiste: That's my boy!
Finn Hudson: Down! Set! One-one!
Shannon Beiste: Block 59! Get on 59!
Dave Karofsky: That was awesome.
Finn Hudson: Nice block.
Dave Karofsky: Nice throw.
Finn Hudson: Bam!
Shannon Beiste: Time out!
Sam Evans: It was a good run. We almost had it.
Finn Hudson: Hey, this game isn't over.
Dave Karofsky: There's, like, ten seconds left- it's over.
Finn Hudson: Not if the quarterback fumbs the snap. Here's what we're gonna do. Ready?
Football Players: Break!
Football Players: Break!
Football Players: Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains...
All: Brains... brains... Brains... brains... brains... brains... brains... brains... Brains... ...brains... brains... brains... brains... brains...



Katie Couric: So, tell me, Sue, how are you holding up?
Sue Sylvester: I'm hanging in there, thank you.
Katie Couric: I know it's painful, but... can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as "Loser of the Year"?
Sue Sylvester: I thought this was the "Ten Most Fascinating."
Katie Couric: That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, nine percent unemployment, and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and apparently, also a loser. How do you cope with that?
Sue Sylvester: I've been drinking a lot of bleach.
Katie Couric: Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?
Sue Sylvester: Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.
Katie Couric: And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios budget is going to the Glee Club?
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry?
Katie Couric: Let's take a look. Whoops, sorry. After a little song and dance toupport the arts, I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director Will Schuester.
Will Schuester: I have to say, I'm thrilled. Sue got what was coming to her, and now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to Regionals.
Katie Couric: Thoughts?
Sue Sylvester: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Dave Karofsky: Hey. Congrats on the MVP.
Finn Hudson: Oh, thanks. It was a team effort. So, listen, uh, there's no way the Glee Club's gonna let you join permanently, until you clean things up with Kurt. So I was thinking maybe we cou go together to Dalton and apologize...
Dave Karofsky: Who said I want to join the Glee Club permanently?
Finn Hudson: I just thought after this week and-and... the way we won the game and the way you came out to dance...
Dave Karofsky: What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee Club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning?
Finn Hudson: Maybe. I-I don't know. It's a start.
Dave Karofsky: No, dude, it's a finish. Okay? This is high school. People's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status.
Finn Hudson: But we've got a chance to really change things here.
Dave Karofsky: I just won the conference championship. I'm on top. Why would I want to change things?
Finn Hudson: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: Hi. I never got a chance to thank you. For helping me do the right thing.
Finn Hudson: Aw, you would've come to it on your own soon enough. So, how does it feel being out of the uniform?
Quinn Fabray: Weird. Did turn a couple of heads. You were amazing this week. On the field and off. Reminded me of why I loved you.


Katy Perry: # I know a place #
# Where the grass is really greener #
# Warm, wet and wild #
# There must be something in the water #
# You can travel the world #
# But nothing comes close to the Golden Coast #
# California gurls #
# We're undeniable #
# Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it unlocked #
# West coast, represent #
# Now put your hands up #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh #
# California #
# California gurls. #
Sue Sylvester: I'm bored. Ladies, I am at a loss. Brittany, please remind me of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map.
Brittany S. Pierce: In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders called The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
Sue Sylvester: That is correct. And in the meantime, what's changed?
Quinn Fabray: Personal grooming habits?
Sue Sylvester: What's changed is I have completely lost interest. And ladies, I blame you. Becky- more silicone falsies.
Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets, in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed.
Quinn Fabray: But Coach Sylvester, this is the most elaborate routine the Cheerios have ever done. We're shoo-ins at Regionals next week, and we're the favorite to win at Nationals.
Sue Sylvester: And yet I am still so very bored. Even things I used to think were hilarious... Case in point. Sandbags, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet. Now slap Brittany. See? Not even a chuckle.
Quinn Fabray: The problem is you keep trying to make a bigger and bigger spectacle. No matter how hard we try, we can't make a routine work unless you find a way to make it interesting for you. You have to find a way to top yourself.
Sue Sylvester: Q, you just may have a point. But to be sure, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet.



Shannon Beiste: Okay, here go.
Finn Hudson: All right, I just want to take a minute to tell you guys how proud of you I am. We didn't even have to win this game to go to championship next week, but nobody took it off. When we take a knee, we're gonna finish first in conference for the first time in McKinley history.
Noah Puckerman: Football is back, bitches!
Dave Karofsky: Maybe we should all break out into a song after we win.
Finn Hudson: Hey, shut it, Karofsky.
Dave Karofsky: No fricking way. I figure if I stay on you, you'll run away like your little butt buddy Hummel.
Finn Hudson: That's funny, Karofsky, how you're calling everybody gay all the time, but you never seem to have a girlfriend.
Azimio Adams: It's okay. It's okay.
Dave Karofsky: I really hope that linebacker doesn't get the jump on me. I bet it would hurt like hell to get sacked by him.
Football Player: Break!
Football Players: Break!
Finn Hudson: All right. Slow left on one. Ready? Break!
Football Players: Break!
Shannon Beiste: Come on, boys. Let's go.
Finn Hudson: Down! Set!
Football Player: Whoo!
Finn Hudson: Hut!
Dave Karofsky: Nice hands.



Shannon Beiste: What a joke. What the hell happened?! Finn, you're the captain, talk!
Finn Hudson: Karofsky sucks, that's what happened!
Dave Karofsky: That's crap! Hudson's a frickin' girl and couldn't take a joke about his precious Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: Because I'm sick of you guys getting down on us for it. We're in Glee Club. What's the big deal?
Christopher Strando: It's embarrassing! We're dudes! Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Ke$ha song? It's freakin' weird.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah? Well, maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all TiK ToK on your face.
Dave Karofsky: Bring it, Puckerman.
Shannon Beiste: That's enough! That's enough!
Dave Karofsky: Championship game or not, I am not blocking for him.
Shannon Beiste: Get the hell out of here!
Dave Karofsky: Fine!
Shannon Beiste: Go!
Dave Karofsky: Good!
Shannon Beiste: Bunch of babies!



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss.
Sue Sylvester: Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.
Tattooist: Wait. It's Syvlester, right? Sue Syvlester?



Sue Sylvester: How do I make things interesting again? How do I get those juices flowing? That's it.



Cannonball Guy: This here is the A950.
Sue Sylvester: You say this could shoot someone across a football field?
Cannonball Guy: Several football fields, if you pack in enough explosives. Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe. See, if you want to go for more than, say, 50 yards, you're looking about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure.
Sue Sylvester: Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success. This is the button, right?
Cannonball Guy: No, no, no, no!
Sue Sylvester: You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk, but fella... I'll take it. You got a smaller one?
Cannonball Guy: I'll check stock.
Sue Sylvester: I'm back.



Azimio Adams: So I was going through my bucket list and I noticed you were the only Glee loser that I haven't slushied yet.
Dave Karofsky: Damn near broke his heart.
Artie Abrams: Well, what about the moral implications of abusing a kid in a wheelchair?
Azimio Adams: I say, equal opportunity for all.



Will Schuester: This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club has been going on since I started running the club.
Shannon Beiste: Maybe. It just seems like it's so much worse right now. I've won division championships at three different schools. You have to understand what winning means to a community. Grades go up, the streets are cleaner, crime goes down. It's a sense of pride, of unity. And this school deserves that.
Will Schuester: And you are going to get it for us. I mean, you won almost every game this year.
Shannon Beiste: Winning conference was easy. The team we're up against for championship- they're much better than us. If you don't have thtalent, you re on the chemistry. They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other.
Will Schuester: This whole thing is just so weird. I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee Club.
Shannon Beiste: I just don't know what to do.
Will Schuester: Do you trust me?
Shannon Beiste: You're not going to try and kiss me again, are you?
Will Schuester: If you trust me, I think I know a way to get your team united again.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Really fast. Oh, my God- Artie!
Artie Abrams: It was awful.
Finn Hudson: That's it! Screw rehearsal! This ends here and now.
Noah Puckerman: We're gonna go all Thunderdome on those guys.
Christopher Strando: So this is what the ladies lounge looks like on the inside.
Sam Evans: This is the choir room. Now, put up your fists because you and I are going to do some dancing.
Finn Hudson: No, I got this, Sam.
Dave Karofsky: Coach Beiste told us to come. Where is she?
Shannon Beiste: Watch it. Everyone, have a seat.
Will Schuester: You, too, guys. All right, New Directions!, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Hey! Come on! Guys!
Shannon Beiste: Hey!
Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.
Rachel Berry: And there's no way that I'm sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.
Will Schuester: I don't disagree with you guys. But I talked to Coach Beiste about it, and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool- find some common ground.
Shannon Beiste: All of you are going to be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.
Dave Karofsky: She's bluffing- next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team.
Shannon Beiste: With you, I have no team! You guys have gotta find a way to come together or we're going to get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.
Azimio Adams: If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors.
Finn Hudson: Do you even have any idea what we do in here?
Will Schuester: No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?
Rachel Berry: Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.
# Picture perfect memories #
# Scattered all around the floor #
# Reaching for the phone #
# 'Cause I can't fight it anymore #
Noah & Rachel: # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind #
Rachel Berry: # For me, it happens all the time #
Noah & Rachel: # It's a quarter after one #
# I'm all alone, and I need you n #
# Said I wouldn't call #
# But I've lost all control and I need you now #
# And I don't know how I can do without #
# I just need you now #
Noah Puckerman: # Another shot of whiskey #
# Can't stop looking at the door #
# Wishing you'd come sweeping in #
# The way you did before #
Noah & Rachel: # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind #
Noah Puckerman: # For me, it happens all the time #
Rachel Berry: # It's a quarter after one #
# I'm all alone and I need you now #
Noah Puckerman: # And I said I wouldn't call #
# But I'm a little drunk, and I need you now #
Noah & Rachel: # And I don't know how I can do without #
# I just need you now #
Azimio Adams: The girl with the mohawk had a really nice voice.
Noah Puckerman: Funny.
Football Player: Yeah, man. That's good.
Shannon Beiste: Hey! Hey, get back.
Will Schuester: Great first day, right?
Shannon Beiste: Awesome.
Rachel Berry: Let me at that guy!



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Noah Puckerman: Hey. We used to be best friends... before I got your girlfriend pregnant, and then made out with your other girlfriend and...
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Anyways... I gotta be honest. I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.
Finn Hudson: What's your point?
Noah Puckerman: My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of Top Gun.
Finn Hudson: So why'd youing that duet with Rachel?



Rachel Berry: I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.



Noah Puckerman: Nothing like that will ever happen again. You lead, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends.



Sue Sylvester: Ladies, my "Sue-clear" Weapon. Becky. Brittany... Climb on up. Congratulations. You're doing this stunt for the big competition.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.
Sue Sylvester: Fine. To put your toddler, fist-sized mind at ease, we'll do one final test run. Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.
Quinn Fabray: Don't worry, I'll talk to Mr. Schue and take care of this.



Principal Figgins: Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!
Sue Sylvester: Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. The same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.
Will Schuester: Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk.
Sue Sylvester: I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You are not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
Principal Figgins: But the risk and danger isn't to you!
Sue Sylvester: That's the best part.
Principal Figgins: Enough! It's decided. You are not allowed to fire yone out of that cannon without their consent! Huh. It's coming out of your paycheck- every penny of it! Oh, God!
Will Schuester: It's a lawsuit.



Will Schuester: I'm telling you, I wish you could have seen it. Sort of like that.
Shannon Beiste: What the hell are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: I'm seing a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.
Will Schuester: Sue!
Shannon Beiste: What the crap are we gonna do now?
Will Schuester: I got it.



Dave Karofsky: No frickin' way!
Will Schuester: We don't have a choice. Sue pulled the Cheerios from the game, so if we don't do it, there's no halftime show.
Lauren Zizes: And this is a problem because?
Shannon Beiste: It's not a problem. It's an opportunity.
Christopher Strando: Opportunity to humiliate ourselves.
Shannon Beiste: Hey! The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together; to bring the school together.
Azimio Adams: Wait- so you want us to play the first half, change into some "sequeen" ball gowns, and then go out and do the halftime show at our own championship game?
Shannon Beiste: Yes.
Azimio Adams: It's the championship game! This is a crazy town. Crazy. This is crazy!
Finn Hudson: What about the Cheerios in Glee Club?
Will Schuester: They have a choice. Us, or the Cheerios competition.
Rachel Berry: Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios. I mean...
Finn Hudson: Well, that's not fair. You don't know what she's gonna do.
Will Schuester: I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time. The Super Bowl of pop anthems- "Thriller." Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? In the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here.
Mercedes Jones: I mean, don't get me wrong, you know- I'm big on Michael and everything- but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?
Will Schuester: Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll."
Azimio Adams: Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?
Shannon Beiste: All right, New Directions!, Titans, we're going to Zombie Camp.



Will Schuester: Uh, five, six, seven, eight. Time out. Time out. Time out.
Dave Karofsky: Back off!
Christopher Strando: Karofsky!
Shannon Beiste: Knock it off!
Will Schuester: Okay, guys. It's good, but let's... put a little life into it.
Dave Karofsky: But we're dead.
Will Schuester: Then put some afterlife into it. t out of your heads and get into your characters, all right? Very creative. I like that. Five, six, seven, eight. All right! Nice progress, guys. Now let's take a breather, and I'll see you in the choir room in five minutes, for a lesson in zombie makeup.
Azimio Adams: Makeup?!? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shannon Beiste: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Will Schuester: Hey, Dave. Talk to you for a second?
Dave Karofsky: Look, I know I'm bad. Can you just spare me, so can we get through this?
Will Schuester: That's not what I was going to say at all. You're actually really good. If you took that energy you used bullying people and put it into this, you'd be one of most talented guys in the school. Just think about it.



Rachel Berry: ... makeup artist.
Dave Karofsky: Hey, I need to talk to you.
Finn Hudson: Can we not fight for just one day? Man, it's already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you.
Dave Karofsky: You think maybe we should do a warm-up number or something before we do that big "Thriller" thing at halftime? You know, I figure the only way I'm gonna keep any street cred around here after dancing around like an idiot in front of the whole school is if we kick ass at it.
Finn Hudson: Uh... yeah... couldn't agree more.



Brittany S. Pierce: Zombie camp was funner than I expected. And the glee club together with the football team- it's like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.
Quinn Fabray: What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition, then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn.
Santana Lopez: Oh, I'm not.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm Brittany.
Sue Sylvester: Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
Quinn Fabray: What were you doing in there?
Sue Sylvester: Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops. Well, I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature, tendering your resignation from the Glee Club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you, handwritten and in crayon from the Human Cannon, saying how much it misses you.
Quinn Fabray: Coach, that cannon is going to get Brittany killed. Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national champiohip?
Sue Sylvester: Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.
Quinn Fabray: This is ridiculous.
Sue Sylvester: You had quite a year last year, Q. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios uniform. Ladies, I am giving you the chance, right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios, or choose the Glee Club.



Finn Hudson: How the hell could you do this?
Quinn Fabray: Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What were we supposed to do?
Finn Hudson: Uh, quit Cheerios? Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass- us, Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: And you don't think that I feel awful about that?
Finn Hudson: You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, you are so naive. This whole school is about labels.
Finn Hudson: Wow. I never realized you were sfreakin' weak.
Quinn Fabray: Oh. I...
Sam Evans: What did you say?
Finn Hudson: All the Cheerios quit Glee Club.
Sam Evans: So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it?
Finn Hudson: I'm yelling at her because I'm the leader of this team.
Sam Evans: Well, maybe it's time for a change at the top.
Finn Hudson: What's that supposed to mean?
Quinn Fabray: This is kind of hot, actually.
Sam Evans: It means that maybe the reason everyone hates us is because we need some new leadership. Face it, you've had your feet in both worlds for a year, and never been able to bring them together. Maybe someone else could.
Finn Hudson: What, as in maybe you?
Sam Evans: As in yes.
Finn Hudson: Well, maybe we should settle this right now.
Sam Evans: Bring it.
Finn Hudson: Brung. Want some more of that? Huh? Yeah. You like that? Huh?
Quinn Fabray: Really, guys? Really.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey! How many fights do I have to break up this week? Now calm down... and get back to Glee Club. Come on.
Finn Hudson: Hope to see you there.



Finn Hudson: # Well, no one told me about her #
# The way she lied #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# How many people cried #
# Well, it's too late to say you're sorry #
# How would I know? #
# Why should I care? #
# Please don't bother trying to find her #
# She's not there #
# Well, let me tell you about the way she looked #
# The way she acted, the color of her hair #
# Her voice is soft and cool #
# Her eyeare clear and bright, but she's not there #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# What could I do? #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# Though they all knew #
# Well, it's too late to say you're sorry #
# How would I know? #
# Why should I care? #
# Please don't bother trying to find her #
# She's not there #
# Well, let me tell you about the way she looked #
# The way she acted, the color of her hair! #
# Her voice is soft and cool #
# Her eyes are clear and bright, but she's not there. #
Lauren Zizes: It's all good.
Will Schuester: Guys... Awesome! Seriously. All you football players nailing that Zombies classic on the first time out. I am impressed.



Scott Cooper: Appropriate outfits. They represent the death of your guyses' reign at this school.
Finn Hudson: How many times do we have to put you puckheads in your place before you realize that football rules this school?
Scott Cooper: Maybe, but not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show. You know it, we know it, the whole school knows it.
Dave Karofsky: They'll think different after they see it. It's going to be awesome.
Scott Cooper: Holy crap. They turned Karofsky gay.
Noah Puckerman: What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushees?
Scott Cooper: Ready for the fireworks? It's Independence Day.



Dave Karofsky: Oh, my eyes! It's burning!
Finn Hudson: Just relax; it stops after a couple hours.
Dave Karofsky: No frickin' way I'm letting that happen again.
Artie Abrams: He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial.
Dave Karofsky: No! I am not a loser. And I don't sing and dance. I walk tall d carra big stick.
Finn Hudson: Dude, relax... this is gonna be fine.
Dave Karofsky: Yeah, of course it is. 'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.
Shannon Beiste: No, you're not. Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven, you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on the field.
Dave Karofsky: I don't care. I'm out.
Shannon Beiste: Then you're off the team.
Dave Karofsky: No way.
Shannon Beiste: Yeah.
Dave Karofsky: If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week. It's the championship game. You're not going to throw it away.
Shannon Beiste: Try me.
Finn Hudson: Don't do this. If we stand together, and we do the halftime show, we can win this game and be kings in this place.
Dave Karofsky: Good luck with that.



The Warblers: # Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding #
# Ding-a, ding-a, ka-ding, ding #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding, ding #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding #
# Dink-a, dink-a, dink-a, dink-a, dink #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding #
# Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
Blaine Anderson: # At first, we started out real cool #
# Taking me places I ain't never been #
# But now you're getting comfortable #
# Ain't doing those things you did no more #
# You're slowly making me pay for things #
# Your money should be handling #
# And now you ask to use my car #
The Warblers: # Car #
Blaine Anderson: # Drive it all day and don't fill up the tank #
# And you have the audacity #
# To even come and step to me #
# Ask to hold some money from me #
# Until you get your check next week #
# You trifling #
# Good-for-nothing type of brother #
# Silly me #
# Why haven't lound another? #
# A baller #
# When times get hard, I need someone to help me out #
# Instead of a scrub like you #
# Who don't know what a man's about #
# Can you pay my bills? #
# Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Do you pay my automo-bills? #
# If you did, then maybe we could chill #
# I don't think you do #
# So you and me are through #
The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
Blaine Anderson: # You trifling, good-for-nothing #
# Type of brother #
# Silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? A baller #
# When times get hard, I need someone to help me out #
# Instead of a scrub like you #
# Who don't know what a man's about #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my bills? #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
# If you did, then maybe we could chill #
Blaine Anderson: # I don't think you do, no #
# So you and me are through #
The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
Blaine Anderson: # You trifling #
# Good-for-nothing type of brother #
# O silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? #
# You trifling, good-for-nothing type of brother #
# Oh, silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my bills?
# Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
Blaine Anderson: # Pay my telephone, telephone bills #
The Warblers: # If you did, then maybe we could chill #
Blaine Anderson: # I don't think you do #
# So you and me are through #
The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
# Can you pay my bills #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #
The Warblers: # Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
# Can you pay my bills? #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, said #
# I don't think you do #
# I don't think you do, no, no #
# So you and me are through. #
Guys, I'd say we're ready for Regionals.



Kurt Hummel: Medium drip.
Blaine Anderson: Me. Thank you very much. Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for Regionals, because the number we just rehearsed is so off-the-hook, it's dangerous.
Kurt Hummel: Seriously. People should wear protective headgear when they're watching it. Guys, we're kidding.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.
Mercedes Jones: I mean, look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee- our school is so messed up, we can't even keep our own football team together.
Rachel Berry: It's so sad, you guys. Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue were so close to getting everyone at the school together.
Kurt Hummel: Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? I mean, we live together. I mean, I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes that we'll have a little lady-chat.
Blaine Anderson: Warm milk? Really?
Kurt Hummel: It's delicious.
Rachel Berry: Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside. I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together, I could make him feel a lot better, you know.
Kurt Hummel: Let it go, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I... I just wish thathere was a way that we could help. That's all. Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: And the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while.
Blaine Anderson: Wait, so the whole team quit?
Mercedes Jones: Everybody not in Glee. I mean, you can't play football with five guys. And one of them is in a wheelchair.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join. I think they'll take anyone at this point.
Blaine Anderson: Well, the good news is, you actually only need four more guys. High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short, if you want to. But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer them on.
Kurt Hummel: Totally. Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.



Shannon Beiste: I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season. You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play?
Will Schuester: It's like crossing a picket line. Nobody wants to be a scab.
Shannon Beiste: I guess we should go break it to them.



Sam Evans: Why can't we just let them back on the team, just for this game?
Shannon Beiste: No. We carry this thing through, even if it means having to forfeit the game.
Finn Hudson: I can't believe this is it.
Rachel Berry: Maybe it isn't. We want to join the team.
Artie Abrams: "We," who?
Mercedes Jones: All us Glee girls. We want to join the football team, and we want to play in the championship.
Mike Chang: Come on, guys. Stop screwing around. It's not cool.
Lauren Zizes: What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football. And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is. I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so...
Will Schuester: Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah. And not in the good, Mellencamp way.
Rachel Berry: We thought about that. But the truth is, is that you guys don't really need us to play. You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team. So when they snap the ball, we're just going to lie down on the ground. We're just going to lie there.
Lauren Zizes: Well, I'm not. I'm going to bring the pain.
Shannon Beiste: I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down.
Will Schuester: Okay, what do your parents have to say about this?
Tina Cohen-Chang: We all have signed permission slips from them. It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us.
Will Schuester: What do you think, Coach?
Shannon Beiste: I think... Welcome to the football team.
Girls of ND: Yes!
Rachel Berry: Football team, football team. High five, teammate.



Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't want to die.
Sue Sylvester: You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all "boom boom," and no "pow." And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.
Brittany S. Pierce: Baby cannons?
Sue Sylvester: And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work. Do you want us to win, or don't you?
Brittany S. Pierce: How many M's are there in the letter "R"?
Sue Sylvester: Make an "X."



Finn Hudson: It's not too late.
Dave Karofsky: To commit social suicide? How the hell you going to play with five guys, huh? You have got to be kidding me.
Azimio Adams: What the hell are they doing?
Finn Hudson: What you don't have the balls to do.
Azimio Adams: Stupid.
Finn Hudson: Are you ready for this?
Rachel Berry: Let's kick some ass!
Finn Hudson: Punch and Judy on one. Ready? Break!
Football Players: Break.
Mercedes Jones: Who's Judy?
Shannon Beiste: Let's go!
Rachel Berry: Where do I go?
Finn Hudson: Stand right there.
Rachel Berry: What do I do?
Lauren Zizes: You're gonna die.
Finn Hudson: Blue 42! Blue 42! Down! Set! Hike!
Shannon Beiste: Damn it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: What happened? What happened?
Rachel Berry: Is it over?
Finn Hudson: All right. How's everyone doing?
Mercedes Jones: Kill me now, I'm gonna die.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I want to play.
Finn Hudson: Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay? Ready? Break.
Shannon Beiste: All right, guys. Let's go!
Finn Hudson: Down!
Shannon Beiste: Blitz. Blitz. Watch.
Finn Hudson: Set! Hike!
Shannon Beiste: Get the ball! Get the ball! Get the ball! Come on! Get it! Get it! Go, go, go, go!
Burt Hummel: Go, go! Go!
Carole Hudson: Go, go, go!
Shannon Beiste: Go!
Mike Chang: Tina? Is she breathing?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Did we win?
Finn Hudson: We're still in this.
Rachel Berry: Give it up, Finn. Our only shot at redemption right now is to kick butt at the halftime show.
Finn Hudson: Sam! Come here. I need you to play quarterback for the rest of the half.
Sam Evans: Okay.
Finn Hudson: Puck, when the half ends, you gotta go convince Karofsky and the rest of the guys to do the halftime show with us.
Noah Puckerman: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Finn Hudson: Figure it out. You're my wingman, right?
Noah Puckerman: I got tone, Mav.
Rachel Berry: Where are you going?
Finn Hudson: Can't have a halftime show without cheerleaders.



Brittany S. Pierce: I'm gonna die.
Santana Lopez: It'll be worth it.
Finn Hudson: Hey!
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing here?
Finn Hudson: Stopping you from going to Sue's Regionals competition. You guys got to come to the game with me.
Quinn Fabray: Haven't you been payingttention? If we're not Cheerios!, we're nothing.
Finn Hudson: You think that, but it's not true. You joined Cheerios to be popular, but you joined Glee Club because you loved it. Sue doesn't care about you guys. She's fine killing Brittany. Tell me honestly. If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, which would you choose?
Brittany S. Pierce: Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: I know you, and you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this.
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
Finn Hudson: Okay?
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
Finn Hudson: What about you, Santana?
Santana Lopez: Screw her- she put me on the bottom of the pyramid.
Finn Hudson: Come on, we've oy got a few minutes.
Sue Sylvester: No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in five.
Quinn Fabray: We quit Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: You can't quit Cheerios. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.
Santana Lopez: We still quit.
Sue Sylvester: You're my stars. If you leave, I have no performance!
Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.



Dave Karofsky: Looking good out there, Puck.
Noah Puckerman: You know what? I don't want to hear it, Karofsky. I don't want to hear it from any of you. You're all a bunch of cowards. Coward losers.
Azimio Adams: Yeah, you're the only loser losing this game.
Noah Puckerman: You know, this is it. This is the moment of our lives. This is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about. This is our moment to actually win something, and you guys are sitting in the damn stands! I mean, you're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay, that you settle for being nothing. Well, we still have a whole half to play. And wean win this, guys, I know it.
Azimio Adams: What's the point, man? Beiste isn't going to let us play.
Noah Puckerman: She will if you come out and perform at the halftime show.
Azimio Adams: I'm in.
Christopher Strando: Me, too.
Dave Karofsky: No way.
Azimio Adams: Come on, man, I really want to win this game. It would mean so much to my dad, man.
Dave Karofsky: Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.
Noah Puckerman: Fine, Karofsky's out. Whatever. But the rest of you need to get in your zombie makeup and hit the field toot sweet. Come on, let's go!
Football Players: Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Let's do this!



Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
Artie Abrams: # It's close to midnight #
# And something evil's lurking in the dark #
# Under the moonlight #
# You see a sight that almost stops your heart #
# You try to scream #
Rachel & Artie: # But terror takes the sound before you make it #
Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll... heads will roll #
Artie Abrams: # You start to freeze #
Rachel & Artie: # As horror looks you right between the eyes #
Artie Abrams: # You're paralyzed #
# 'Cause this is thriller #
# Thriller night #
# And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike #
# You know it's thriller, thriller night #
# You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller #
# Tonight #
Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# Just dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Thriller tonight #
Finn Hudson: # Darkness falls across the land. #
# The midnight hour is close at hand. #
# Creatures crawl in search of blood. #
# To terrorize y'alls neighborhood. #
Santana Lopez: # Off with your head #
Finn Hudson: # And though you fight to stay alive, #
Santana Lopez: # Dance till you're dead #
Finn Hudson: # ... your body starts to shiver. #
Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll #
Finn Hudson: # For no mere mortal can resist... #
Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll, heads will roll #
Finn Hudson: # ...the evil of the thriller. #
Artie Abrams: # 'Cause this is thriller, thriller night #
# Girl, I can thrill you more #
# Than any ghost could ever dare try #
# Thriller #
# Ooh, hoo #
# Thriller night #
# So let me hold you tight and share a #
# Killer, thriller, oh! #
Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# D-dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-dance, danc dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #



Shannon Beiste: Hey! What are you guys doing in here?
Finn Hudson: Oh, we were gonna take our zombie makeup off for the second half- it's kind of itchy.
Shannon Beiste: No. Leave it on. Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit, and we need all the help we can get right now. Well, get out there.
Noah Puckerman: All of us?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. All of us.
Football Players: Yeah!
Shannon Beiste: Welcome back, boy. Get out there.



Girls of ND: Yeah!
Finn Hudson: Set! Hut-hut!
Football Player: Someone bit me! One of those zombies bit me!
Shannon Beiste: That's my boy!
Finn Hudson: Down! Set! One-one!
Shannon Beiste: Block 59! Get on 59!
Dave Karofsky: That was awesome.
Finn Hudson: Nice block.
Dave Karofsky: Nice throw.
Finn Hudson: Bam!
Shannon Beiste: Time out!
Sam Evans: It was a good run. We almost had it.
Finn Hudson: Hey, this game isn't over.
Dave Karofsky: There's, like, ten seconds left- it's over.
Finn Hudson: Not if the quarterback fumbs the snap. Here's what we're gonna do. Ready?
Football Players: Break!
Football Players: Break!
Football Players: Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains...
All: Brains... brains... Brains... brains... brains... brains... brains... brains... Brains... ...brains... brains... brains... brains... brains...



Katie Couric: So, tell me, Sue, how are you holding up?
Sue Sylvester: I'm hanging in there, thank you.
Katie Couric: I know it's painful, but... can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as "Loser of the Year"?
Sue Sylvester: I thought this was the "Ten Most Fascinating."
Katie Couric: That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, nine percent unemployment, and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and apparently, also a loser. How do you cope with that?
Sue Sylvester: I've been drinking a lot of bleach.
Katie Couric: Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?
Sue Sylvester: Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.
Katie Couric: And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios budget is going to the Glee Club?
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry?
Katie Couric: Let's take a look. Whoops, sorry. After a little song and dance toupport the arts, I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director Will Schuester.
Will Schuester: I have to say, I'm thrilled. Sue got what was coming to her, and now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to Regionals.
Katie Couric: Thoughts?
Sue Sylvester: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Dave Karofsky: Hey. Congrats on the MVP.
Finn Hudson: Oh, thanks. It was a team effort. So, listen, uh, there's no way the Glee Club's gonna let you join permanently, until you clean things up with Kurt. So I was thinking maybe we cou go together to Dalton and apologize...
Dave Karofsky: Who said I want to join the Glee Club permanently?
Finn Hudson: I just thought after this week and-and... the way we won the game and the way you came out to dance...
Dave Karofsky: What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee Club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning?
Finn Hudson: Maybe. I-I don't know. It's a start.
Dave Karofsky: No, dude, it's a finish. Okay? This is high school. People's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status.
Finn Hudson: But we've got a chance to really change things here.
Dave Karofsky: I just won the conference championship. I'm on top. Why would I want to change things?
Finn Hudson: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: Hi. I never got a chance to thank you. For helping me do the right thing.
Finn Hudson: Aw, you would've come to it on your own soon enough. So, how does it feel being out of the uniform?
Quinn Fabray: Weird. Did turn a couple of heads. You were amazing this week. On the field and off. Reminded me of why I loved you.
外部リンク
 Glee Wiki
 IMDb
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212. Silly Love Songs

放送日:2011年2月8日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Brittany out of a cannon, but it wasn't safe, so Brittany, Santana and Quinn quit the Cheerios.
Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.
Ian Brennan: Now we get to see what they look like in street clothes. Finn broke up with Rachel because she made out with Puck, but then Quinn kissed Finn after the big game, even though she's been dating Sam. Yikes! It used to be a love triangle, and now it's, like, a Pentagon. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Noah Puckerman: We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but there are two lessons I learned the hard way. One: never punch a cop. The other one: you can't choose love. Love chooses you. I mean, I could have any girl I wanted, but here I am, in the middle of geometry or English or something, and the only girl I've got my eye on is a whole lot of woman.



Noah Puckerman: I owe it all to Sectionals. We needed a 12th member, and I told her if she joined the Glee Club, I'd give her seven minutes in heaven. But what went down in that janitor's closet was epic.
Lauren Zizes: You're really not good at this, and you're kind of scrawny.
Noah Puckerman: You got to be kidding me.
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, you're not turning me on at all. Later, sad sack.
Noah Puckerman: But that was only three minutes.
Lauren Zizes: Three minutes I'll never get back.



Noah Puckerman: Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me, like my mom. Maybe I just dig a chick with curves, but it's almost Valentine's Day, and it's official.
Lauren Zizes: Stare at me again, and I'll break your nuts. Also, these candies you gave me? They sucked.
Noah Puckerman: But you ate all of them.
Lauren Zizes: I had to make sure they all sucked.
Noah Puckerman: I'm in love with Lauren Zizes.



Finn Hudson: It's amazing what actually accomplishing something does to a person. I know what you're thinking- that they're all only into me because I won the first Conference Championship in this school's history, but I've changed. I'm walking taller, carrying a bigger stick and using it to fight off the ladies.
Becky Jackson: I love you, Finny-bear.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, Becky. Oh.
Becky Jackson: Be my Valentine?
Finn Hudson: Awesome. I'll keep you posted.
Becky Jackson: Copy that.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I've been collecting a lot of hearts lately. Only question is, which one to choose. Bingo. I just need to go for this. Maybe the reason it never worked out with Rachel was because I was never over Quinn. I know I can pry her away from Sam if I can get her to kiss me again. The ridiculous thing is that I could get every girl in this school to kiss me but her. Game on.



Kurt Hummel: Okay, I'm all for flair, but these Valentine Day decorations are just tacky. I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be?
Blaine Anderson: It's clearly puppy love. It's cute. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: Ooh.
Plushie: I love you!
Kurt Hummel: Oh, this is creepy.
Blaine Anderson: Adorable.
Kurt Hummel: It's a simple excuse to sell candy and greeting cards on a holiday.
Blaine Anderson: Not true. People have been celebrating Valentine's Day for centuries. And call me a hopeless romantic, but it's my favorite holiday.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Blaine Anderson: I think there's something really great about a day where you're encouraged to just lay it all on the line and say to somebody, "I'm in love with you." You know? And this year, I want to do something really radical, so I need your opinion on this. Well, there's this guy that I sort of... like, and I've only known him for a little while, but I want to tell him that I think my feelings are starting to change into something... deeper. So I have to ask. Do you think it's too much to sing to somebody on Valentine's Day?
Kurt Hummel: Not at all.
Barista: What can I get you?
Blaine Anderson: Uh, a medium drip, and a grande nonfat mocha for this guy, and maybe I can get him to split one of those Cupid cookies.
Kurt Hummel: You know my coffee order?
Blaine Anderson: Of course I do.
Barista: That'll be $8.40.
Blaine Anderson: Don't even bother, dummy. It's on me. Keep the change.
Kurt Hummel: I do believe I have a new favorite holiday.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, I have one word for you. Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: Is it "love"? I'm totally going to graduate now.
Will Schuester: Valentine's Day is coming up, so for this week's lesson, I want you guys to pick a partner, because you're going to sing to them what you think is the world's greatest love song. Yeah, find a song that communicates all the things that love means to you. Now, partner up.
Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, can I say something? I just wanted to point out that for the first time, an entire week has gone by without any one of us getting slushied. I think the fact that I led the football team to a Conference Championship might have something to do with it. Fact is that I'm the closest thing that this Glee Club has to a celebrity right now. And just like a famous athlete, I want to give to a charity. You guys. So, I'm setting up a kissing booth for a dollar a smooch, and donating the proceeds to Glee Club to help us...
Mercedes Jones: Don't even act like you're trying to help this Glee Club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls.
Santana Lopez: I've kissed Finn, and can I just say? Not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man-boobs.
Finn Hudson: Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down?
Santana Lopez: No, not really.
Finn Hudson: 'Cause you always just seem to do be meddling in everybody else's business.
Santana Lopez: Oh, please. You guys love me. I keep it real, and I'm hilarious.
Lauren Zizes: Actually, you're just a bitch.
Will Schuester: Whoa!
Santana Lopez: Okay. I'm sorry. You've just got eyes for my man.
Noah Puckerman: Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.
Quinn Fabray: And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged in a 12-step program.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Santana Lopez: You're addicted to vests.
Rachel Berry: The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical version of Willow, but the only job you're going to have is working on a pole.
Santana Lopez: Fine.
Will Schuester: Santana...



Brittany S. Pierce: Maybe try rocking back and forth. People do that in movies.
Santana Lopez: No. 'Cause I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck, you know?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: No one gets it.
Lauren Zizes: I suppose you want me to thank you for sticking up for me today, except that makes it seem like I need somebody to stick up for me, so...
Noah Puckerman: Oh, no, no. Trust me. I- I know you don't need me to stick up for you. I mean, you're all kinds of tough. And...
Lauren Zizes: Mm, it's true.
Noah Puckerman: How about you let me take you to Breadstix for Valentine's Day?
Lauren Zizes: Do you seriously think it's that easy? I'm not desperate, so if you really want this, you best come correct. Because I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S, and I need to be wooed, you understand me? Wooed.
Noah Puckerman: Damn.



Blaine Anderson: Hey. What you doing?
Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Just, uh, daydreaming, plotting weekend outfits.
Blaine Anderson: Well, come on. You're going to want to see this. I've called an emergency meeting of the Warblers' Council.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, sounds serious.
Blaine Anderson: Let's hope not. I just need to ask them a tiny little favor.



Wesley Montgomery: This emergency meeting is called to order. Junior member Blaine Anderson, the floor is yours.
Blaine Anderson: Esteemed council, I'll be brief. Simply put... I'm in love.
The Warblers: Ooh!
David Thompson: Congrats.
Blaine Anderson: I'm not really good at talking about my feelings. I'm much better at singing them. But still, I could use a little help. Which is why I'm asking to enlist the Warblers to help serenade this individual in song off-campus.
The Warblers: What? What?! Off-campus?! Are you serious? Did I hear you right?
Blaine Anderson: I- I know what I'm asking is slightly unusual.
Wesley Montgomery: The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927, when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu rendition of "Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy."
David Thompson: Why would we even consider what you're asking?
Blaine Anderson: I firmly believe that our reticence to perform in public nearly cost us a trip to Regionals. We're becoming privileged, porcelain birds perched on a... on a gilded shelf.
Thad Harwood: You mock us, sir.
Wesley Montgomery: Thad, David? I will have order.
Kurt Hummel: May I please say something? With respect, I believe Blaine has a point. The Warblers are so concerned with image and tradition that sometimes I feel like we miss out on opportunities to step outside our comfort zones. When I was on New Directions, we performed in front of hostile crowds pretty much anywhere we went. I mean, mattress stores, shopping malls. I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once. But it-it gave us confidence. It-It kept us loose.
Wesley Montgomery: And where would this performance take place?
Blaine Anderson: The Gap at the North Hills Mall. I'd like to call it The Warblers' Gap Attack.
Kurt Hummel: Why the Gap?
Blaine Anderson: The guy that I like is a junior manager.
Wesley Montgomery: All right, well, all those in favor?



Kurt Hummel: I was absolutely devastated.
The Exciters: # I know something about... #
Rachel Berry: Did he ever actually say you two were dating?
Kurt Hummel: Well, not in so many words.
Mercedes Jones: Well, did he put the moves on?
Kurt Hummel: No, but we were always singing duets, and he was always smiling at me.
The Exciters: # The very part of you... #
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, I made up the whole thing in my head, didn't I?
Mercedes Jones: Listen, we've all been there. At least I have. With you.
Rachel Berry: I know exactly what you mean. I mean, if Finn thinks that he's just gonna walk out of my life, he's wrong, 'cause I'm gonna go up to that kissing booth tomorrow with a $100 bill and he's not gonna be able to make change, and then he's gonna be forced to kiss me 100 times, and when his lips touch mine, I'm telling you, he's gonna feel it.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, hey. We're supposed to be giving Kurt advice, remember?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: You are going to the Gap Attack, though, right?
Kurt Hummel: Should-Should I?
Mercedes Jones: Yes!
Rachel Berry: Mm-hmm.
Mercedes Jones: Scope out the competition. See what this guy's like. You know, you two are both so guy crazy. Yeah. Look at me. I don't have a date for Valentine's Day, and I could give a rip. The three of us are divas. Look at our idols. Whitney, Barbra, Patti LuPone. They all became stars while they were single. They took all the pain and loneliness, and they put it into their music. People could relate to it. Yeah, everybody feels lonely. Harnessing this pain is why they became legends.
Rachel Berry: Why has this never occurred to me?
Mercedes Jones: Sometimes you have to choose between love and talent. And as far as I'm concerned, we all need to fly solo for a while.
The Exciters: # Oh, yeah #
# Oh, I know something about love... #
Kurt Hummel: It's so nice to be around girls, for a change.
Rachel Berry: Oh. Here. Move over.



Noah Puckerman: # Are you gonna take me home tonight? #
# Ah, down beside that red firelight #
# Are you gonna let it all hang out? #
# Fat-bottomed girls #
# You make the rockin' world go round #
# Hey #
# I was just a skinny lad #
# Never knew no good from bad #
# But I knew love before I left my nursery #
# Left alone with big fat Fanny #
# She was such a naughty nanny #
# Hey, big woman, you made a bad boy out of me #
# I've been singing with my band #
# Cross the water, cross the land #
# I seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way #
# Hey #
Brittany S. Pierce: Whoo!
Noah Puckerman: # But their beauty and their style #
# Went kind of smooth after a while #
# Take me to them lardy ladies every time #
# Come on #
# Oh, won't you take me home tonight? #
# Oh, down beside your red firelight #
# Are you gonna let it all hang out? #
# Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round #
# Yeah #
Boys of ND: # Fat-bottomed girls #
Noah Puckerman: # You make the rockin' world go round #
# Get on your bikes and ride #
# Ooh, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Them fat bottomed girls #
Boys of ND: # Fat-bottomed girls #
Noah Puckerman: # Yeah, yeah #
# Yeah #
Rachel Berry: High five.
Noah Puckerman: So, um, what'd you think? It was... That's kind of my love song to you, 'cause, you know, you're a little... on the heavier side, but, like the song says, you know, I'm kind of into it. So...
Lauren Zizes: That was the first time anyone ever sang me a love song. And it made me feel like crap.



Becky Jackson: I want tongue.
Finn Hudson: Uh, thanks, Becky. Oh... Sorry, ladies. Brush and floss time. Got to keep up the oral hygiene if I'm gonna satisfy all of you. Sorry.
Quinn Fabray: I know why you're doing this. You know I'm the only girl in school that won't kiss you, and you think that the peer pressure will get to me.
Finn Hudson: Well, it is sort of uncool that you... you're too uptight to spend a buck for a good cause like Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not kissing you again.
Finn Hudson: What are you so afraid of?
Quinn Fabray: Leading you on, hurting my boyfriend.
Finn Hudson: Your boyfriend's a boy. Tell me you don't want to kiss me right now.
Quinn Fabray: I can't do this.



Sam Evans: I saw it. Your guys' faces, were, like, right up next to each other. Kissing distance. What are these things?
Quinn Fabray: They're called records. People used to listen to music on them. I'm looking for a classic love song to sing to you for our assignment, because despite your confusion about the matter, you are the only guy I'm ever within kissing distance of.
Sam Evans: Okay. So answer me this, then. Why haven't you kissed Finn at his booth yet?
Quinn Fabray: Okay, first you're all up in my business for kissing Finn, and now you're pissed at me for not kissing...
Sam Evans: It's odd. Something seems fishy. I mean...
Quinn Fabray: This is insane.
Ancient Librarian: Shh!
Sam Evans: Everyone thinks I'm dumb.
Quinn Fabray: Not... everyone.
Sam Evans: But I'm not. At least... not about you. You play it cool, but you're ambitious. You like being the queen bee, and you think being with star quarterback Finn is going to put you up there, whether you're wearing a Cheerios uniform or not. I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.
Quinn Fabray: Fine. Right after Glee rehearsal, I'm kissing Finn.



Finn Hudson: Thanks. Are you sure you can handle this?
Rachel Berry: Oh, absolutely. I've decided that I'm better off without you. Not without you specifically, but without any man who's going to keep me from achieving my goals of stardom.
Finn Hudson: Sweet. Uh... Well, we should probably kiss. There's a line-up.
Rachel Berry: What-What the hell? On the cheek?
Finn Hudson: Wait, I thought you said you were over me.
Rachel Berry: I am, but I still... I still want a real kiss. That was not a dollar kiss.
Finn Hudson: I knew you were lying about being through with love and all that stuff.
Rachel Berry: Okay, fine. I still love you. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Why can't you just forgive me?
Finn Hudson: You cheated on me. That means something.
Rachel Berry: What does it mean? That I was stupid? That I was angry? I- I don't care about Puck. I don't care about anybody but you. It's Valentine's Day.
Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah. I ordered it for you for Christmas before we broke up. Just open it. I think you're right about wanting to be alone for a while. 'Cause let's face it, Rachel. You're better than everyone in this school. You don't need me or any other guy to anchor you to Lima. You're a real star. And you need to shine. Just because I can't be with you, it doesn't mean I don't believe in you.
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Mike Chang: It's weird. Who'd have guessed that the quiet, skinny Asian guy and the kid in the wheelchair would end up dating two of the raddest girls in school? No jealousy. No drama.
Artie Abrams: Nope.
Mike Chang: I don't know how we did it.
Artie Abrams: I do. We're dope.
# You know, you #
# You make me feel so good inside #
# I always wanted a girl just like you #
# Such a P.Y.T. #
# Pretty young thing #
# Oh #
# Where did you come from, baby? #
# And ooh, won't you take me there? #
# Right away, won't you, baby? #
# Tenderoni, you've got to be #
# Spark my nature, sugar, fly with me #
# Don't you know now is the perfect time? #
# We can make it right, hit the city lights #
# Then tonight, ease the lovin' pain #
# Let me take you to the max #
# I want to love you #
New Directions: # P.Y.T. #
Artie Abrams: # Pretty young thing #
# You need some lovin' #
New Directions: # T.L.C. #
Artie Abrams: # Tender lovin' care #
# And I'll take you there, girl #
# Ooh-ooh #
# I want to love you #
New Directions: # P.Y.T. #
Artie Abrams: # Pretty young thing #
# You need some lovin' #
New Directions: # T.L.C. #
Artie Abrams: # Tender lovin' care #
# And I'll take you there #
# Girl, I'll take you there #
New Directions: # Pretty young thing #
Artie Abrams: # Ooh #
New Directions: # You make me sing #
Artie Abrams: # Pretty young things #
# Repeat after me #
# Sing "Na, na, na" #
New Directions: # Na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Na, na, na, na #
New Directions: # Na, na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Sing, "Na, na, na" #
New Directions: # Na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Na, na, na, na, na #
New Directions: # Na, na, na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Oh #
# Hoo #
# Hoo-oo-oo #
New Directions: # P.Y.T. #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, baby #
New Directions: # T.L.C. #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, baby #
Brittany S. Pierce: That's my man and his legs don't work.
Finn Hudson: Tenderoni!
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm so in love, I may just start crying.



Noah Puckerman: What's that?
Santana Lopez: It's a receipt. I went to Jared. You can reimburse me, we'll have dinner at Breadstix, and then we can consider this settled.
Noah Puckerman: Um, no. And consider what settled?
Santana Lopez: Look, you've made your point. I'm sort of a bitch. But I'm willing to change. I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might mistake her for the endangered White Rhino.
Lauren Zizes: I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave out ya head.
Noah Puckerman: Oh. This is not gonna be good.
Santana Lopez: Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person.
Lauren Zizes: Thank you.
Santana Lopez: Now, get out of my way, please, a- fores I ends you.
Lauren Zizes: You don't want to push me.
Santana Lopez: Oh. But, see, I- I sort of do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks.
Shannon Beiste: Hey! Knock it off and get going!
Santana Lopez: Yeah. That's how we do it in Lima Heights.
Shannon Beiste: Get you to the nurse.
Noah Puckerman: Please go out with me. Just... Please.
Lauren Zizes: You make a formal presentation, and I'll consider it.



Sam Evans: Wait. Hold on. I want to see this.
Finn Hudson: Pervert?
Sam Evans: I'd prefer "chaperone," and also "boyfriend."
Quinn Fabray: Satisfied?
Sam Evans: Yeah. Let's go.
Quinn Fabray: Hmm.
Sam Evans: So I took a bunch of those records you were looking at in the library, and I'm gonna load them into my iTunes.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, I forgot my purse. Meet me tomorrow afternoon in the auditorium.
Finn Hudson: Fireworks.



Blaine Anderson: That's him. The blonde one folding sweaters.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm. I can see the appeal. That's quite a ad of hair.
Blaine Anderson: His name is Jeremiah. If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50% discount. This is insane. I don't know what I'm doing. We haven't even really gone out on a date. We-We shouldn't do this. This is crazy.
Kurt Hummel: Okay. Come on. Come on. Man up. You're amazing. He's gonna love you.
The Warblers: # Vum, vum, vum, vum! #
# Vum, vum, vum, vum! #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby girl, where you at? #
# Got no strings, got men attached #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Can't stop that feelin' for long, no #
# Mmm #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # You makin' dogs wanna beg #
# Breaking them off your fancy legs #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # But they make you feel right at home, now #
# Oh #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # See, all these illusions just take us too long #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # And I want it bad #
# Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause you make me sick and I'm not leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Till you're leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ooh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, I swear there's something when she's pumpin' #
# Asking for a raise #
# Well, does she want me to carry her home now? #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # So, does she want me to buy her things? #
# On my house, on my job, on my loot #
# Shoes, my shirt, my crew #
# My mind, my father's last name? #
The Warblers: # Ohh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
# When I get you, you'll know, babe #
The Warblers: # Ohh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
# When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
# La-la, ah, ah, ah... #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, come on #
The Warblers: # Ah, ah, ah, ah... #
Blaine Anderson: # Yeah, yeah #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby girl, you the shh! #
# That makes you my equivalent #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Well, you can keep your toys in the drawer tonight #
# All right #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # All my dogs talkin' fast #
# Ain't you got some photographs? #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause you shook that room #
# Like a star, now, yes, you did, yes, you did #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # All these intrusions just take us too long #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # And I want you so bad #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # Because you walk city, because you talk city #
# 'Cause you make me sick, and I'm not leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Till you're leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ooh... #
Blaine Anderson: # So I pray to something she ain't bluffing #
# Rubbin' up on me #
# Well, does she want me to make a vow? Check it #
# Well, does she want me to make it now? #
# On my house, on my job, on my loot #
The Warblers: # Ooh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Shoes, my voice, my crew, my mind #
# My father's last name? #
# When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you, you'll know, babe #
# When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
# Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, oh #
The Warblers: # Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone. #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da! #



Blaine Anderson: Was it too much? It was too much. Jeremiah. Hey.
Jeremiah: What the hell were you doing?
Blaine Anderson: What?
Jeremiah: I just got fired. You can't just bust a groove in the middle of somebody else's workplace.
Blaine Anderson: But they loved it.
Jeremiah: Well, my boss didn't. Neither did I. No one here knows I'm gay.
Kurt Hummel: Can I be honest? Just, with the hair? I think they do.
Jeremiah: Blaine, let's just be clear here. You and I got coffee twice. We're not dating. If we were, I'd get arrested, 'cause you're underage.



Mike Chang: Oh, yeah. That's my ear. That's my ear. I love it. I like it.
Santana Lopez: Ugh, gross. How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action at this school, and here I am on Valentine's, single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable. Wait, that's weird. Quinn's wearing her queen bitch smirk, and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around. I know what cheating looks like. I do it all the time. Well, I think it's time to do what Santana does best. Revenge.



Santana Lopez: I've always loved volunteering at the local hospital, and not just because of the sexy candy striper outfit. Giving back is so important. Excuse me. Are there any sick students I can help you tend to?
Nurse: Wes Fahey's down with mono and he's waiting for his mom to pick him up. But you shouldn't go in there. It's highly contagious.
Santana Lopez: Please. I've had mono so many times, it turned into stereo. Hi. So, I'm gonna need to borrow your germs.
Wes Fahey: Thanks.



Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa.
Santana Lopez: Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself. If I have anything, I hope it's not contagious.
Finn Hudson: But what? Hi.



Noah Puckerman: What is this place?
Lauren Zizes: It's the library. Haven't you been in here before? No? Okay. I don't understand. You said you want to formally ask me out, but I see no envelope of cash, no muffin basket.
Noah Puckerman: I sang to you.
Lauren Zizes: An offensive song. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
Noah Puckerman: Wait. I mean, let's be honest here, you look... the way you look. And I'm embracing that. I mean, it turns me on, babe.
Lauren Zizes: I look like America looks. And, like America, I need more than just a song to get my juices flowing.
Noah Puckerman: Lauren Zizes, will you go to Breadstix with me tomorrow night?
Lauren Zizes: Tomorrow's not Valentine's Day.
Noah Puckerman: Tomorrow's the pre-date. 'Cause our mouths are going to be too busy macking out on Valentine's Day to eat anything.
Lauren Zizes: I like your style, Puckerman. I dine at 8:00. Now, get out of here, before I change my mind. Yeah. Good-bye.



Quinn Fabray: Sorry. I was at church.
Finn Hudson: Praying for the strength to come?
Quinn Fabray: Not to. You realize this is making me a cheater, the thing that hurt you so badly that it made you break up with me. And Rachel.
Finn Hudson: You know why it hurt so bad when you guys cheated on me? 'Cause it meant you didn't love me.
Quinn Fabray: That's not true.
Finn Hudson: No. At least not enough to not want t to hurt me, and that's the thing about cheating. When you really love someone, you'd do anything to keep them safe.
Quinn Fabray: I love Sam.
Finn Hudson: No, you don't. Or else you wouldn't have come here.
Quinn Fabray: Fine. I think I love him. No matter what happens between us, I'm not going to break up with Sam until I know for sure one way or another.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Quinn Fabray: Do you think you can love two people at one time?
Finn Hudson: Not totally. You have to choose, eventually.
Quinn Fabray: Not yet.



Blaine Anderson: Don't they have anything here that isn't covered with stupid, little hearts? Gross.
Kurt Hummel: Well, you've certainly changed your tune.
Blaine Anderson: I don't think I've ever made that big a fool of myself, which is really saying something, because I've performed at theme parks. I just... I can't believe I made it all up in my head.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, can I ask you something? Because we've always been completely honest with each other. You and I? We hang out. We sing flirty duets together. You know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that that was nothing?
Blaine Anderson: What do you mean?
Kurt Hummel: I thought the guy that you wanted to ask out on Valentine's Day was me.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, wow. I really am clueless. Look, Kurt... I don't know what I'm doing. I pretend like I do. And I know how to act it out in song, but the truth is... I've never really been anyone's boyfriend.
Kurt Hummel: Me, neither.
Blaine Anderson: Let me be really clear about something. I really, really care about you. But as you and about 20 mortified shoppers saw, I'm not very good at romance. I don't want to screw this up.
Kurt Hummel: So it's just like When Harry Met Sally. But I get to play Meg Ryan.
Blaine Anderson: Deal. Don't they, uh, get together in the end?
Kurt Hummel: Could I get a nonfat mocha, and a medium drip for my friend Billy Crystal?
Blaine Anderson: Ah, you know my coffee order.
Kurt Hummel: You know what? I think I've got something for us to do on Valentine's Day.



Noah Puckerman: Thanks for doing this. It really takes the sting off.
Michelle: It's cool. My dad's a drug addict, so losers make me horny.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not a loser. This is the first time I've ever been stood up.
Michelle: Must be some chick to blow you off.
Waitress Sandy: Michelle, I've been covering your section for 15 minutes. Your break's over. And your husband called.



Finn Hudson: Well, I did it. I kissed every girl in this school, and raised $324 for the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: All right, Finn. Thanks. That'll pay for half a ticket to Nationals. So... Still a long way to go. All right? Okay. Now I believe it's time to hear what the world's greatest love song means to Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang. Come on up.
Finn Hudson: Is anyone else hot? It's really stuffy in here.
Tina Cohen-Chang: This is for you, Mike. Happy Valentine's Day.
# My funny Valentine #
# Sweet, comic Valentine #
# You make me smile with my heart #
# Your looks are laughable #
# Unphotographable #
# Yet you're my favorite work of art #
# Is your figure less than Greek? #
# Is your mouth a little weak? #
# When you open... #
# ... are you smart? #
# Stay, oh, oh, God, Valentine #
# Stay... #
Every day is Valentine's Day... when I'm with you.
Mike Chang: That was good. Thank you.
Will Schuester: Okay. Wow, that was... powerful. Almost too powerful.
Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, can I be excused? I don't feel well.
Quinn Fabray: Me, either. I feel sick.
Santana Lopez: Let me guess. You have a sore throat, and your glands are swollen, and you're feverish.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, which is why I need to go to the nurse.
Santana Lopez: It sounds like you have mono. Otherwise known as the kissing disease. But you know what really helps spread it? A little tongue. Which is weird, because it sounds like Quinn here has it, too.
Sam Evans: I was there when they kissed. It was just a peck.
Santana Lopez: So, how about we stop talking about tonguing, and Finn and I go to the nurse? You know what? I think that is a capital idea!



Quinn Fabray: I've cheated twice in my life. The first time, I got pregnant. The second time, I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.
Finn Hudson: Maybe. But I think Sam likes you enough to believe whatever story you told him.
Quinn Fabray: Santana is such a bitch.
Nurse: It looks like mono to me. I called your mothers. You can hang here till they pick you up, but no kissing.
Finn Hudson: I'm not done with us yet.
Quinn Fabray: You have to stop. Nothing can happen between us, until I figure out what's going on with me and Sam and you figure out what's going on with you and Rachel.
Finn Hudson: But... nothing's... nothing's going on with me and Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me, you're staring at her.



Noah Puckerman: Hello... Lauren.
Lauren Zizes: What's with the chilly willy, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: Honestly, I'm not used to getting stood up. Last night? Breadstix?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, we had a date, didn't we?
Noah Puckerman: Look, I get it. You've been hurt by guys before. But I'm telling you, I'm not like that.
Lauren Zizes: First of all, you got a girl pregnant last year, so, yeah, you are. And B: What makes you assume guys treat me badly? I can take care of myself.
Noah Puckerman: That's what I like about you. I'm not into you because you... have curves. I... What I like is that you're a girl who's an even bigger bad ass than me.
Lauren Zizes: Can I be honest with you? I like you. I used to think you were smokin', but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I thought you were mixed race, and that never fails to get me going. But here's the thing, Puckerman. I'm not just looking for somebody to fool around with, so if you're really into me, you got to take it slow.
Noah Puckerman: I suppose I could give that a shot.
Lauren Zizes: Then you're on for Valentine's Day. As friends.



Rachel Berry: Where's Quinn?
Finn Hudson: Uh... Uh, her mom picked her up a few hours ago.
Rachel Berry: Quinn really is very pretty.
Finn Hudson: You don't have to do that, you know.
Rachel Berry: No. I would do it for anyone. She's prettier than me.
Finn Hudson: Would you stop? You're beautiful.
Rachel Berry: I know she is. It meant so much to me that you chose me over her. Girls like me don't get chosen over girls like her very much. Did you kiss her? Like Santana said?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, but I-I just needed to get it out of my system.
Rachel Berry: So, what did it feel like? When you kissed her?
Finn Hudson: Fireworks.
Rachel Berry: Did you see fireworks when you kissed me?
Finn Hudson: Rachel, wait.
Rachel Berry: No. It's good. Thank you. Look, you've given me the strength to move on. I know now that there's... nothing here for me anymore.
Finn Hudson: That's not the truth. I still... I'm just... I'm so confused in my head right now.
Rachel Berry: No, it's okay. Look, I understand. Now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back. And you've actually inspired my song selection for this week's love song assignment. Feel better, Finn.
# Do you ever feel like a plastic bag #
# Drifting through the wind #
# Wanting to start again? #
# Do you ever feel #
# Feel so paper thin #
# Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? #
# Do you ever feel already buried deep? #
# Six feet under screams #
# But no one seems to hear a thing #
# Do you know that there's still a chance for you? #
# 'Cause there's a spark in you #
# You just gotta ignite the light #
# And let it shine #
# Just own the night #
# Like the Fourth of July #
# 'Cause, baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, show 'em what you're worth #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# As you shoot across the sky-y-y #
# Baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, let your colors burst #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# You're gonna leave 'em going, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# Baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, let your colors burst #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# You're gonna leave 'em going, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# Boom, boom, boom #
# Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon #
# Boom, boom, boom #
# Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon. #



Mercedes Jones: Mind if we join you?
Rachel Berry: I would love that.
Kurt Hummel: Testing, one, two, three. Test-Testing, one, two, three. All right. So, Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. For those of you Breadstix patrons who don't know who I am, I'm Kurt Hummel, and welcome to my first ever Lonely Hearts Club dinner. Whether you are single with hope, or madly in love, and are here because I forced you to come out and support me, sit back and enjoy. And to all the singles out there, this is our year.
The Warblers: # How can I tell #
# I can't explain #
# The feeling's plain to me #
# You about my loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ah, he gave me more #
# How can I tell #
# He gave it all to me #
# You about #
# My loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
Blaine Anderson: # You'd think that people would have had enough #
# Of silly love songs #
The Warblers: # Bum, bum, bum #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # But I look around me and I see it isn't so #
The Warblers: # Bum, bum, bum #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Some people #
# Wanna fill the world with silly love songs #
The Warblers: # Ah, ah, ah #
Blaine Anderson: # And what's wrong with that? #
The Warblers: # What's wrong with that? #
Blaine Anderson: # I'd like to know #
The Warblers: # I'd like to know #
Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause here I go again #
The Warblers: # Here I go #
Blaine Anderson: # Again #
The Warblers: # Ba, ba, ba, ba-dah #
# Bah #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # La-la, la-la, la, la #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # La-la, la-la, la, ah, dah #
Blaine Anderson: # Love doesn't come in a minute #
The Warblers: # Doesn't come in a minute #
Blaine Anderson: # Sometimes it doesn't come at all #
The Warblers: # Doesn't come at all #
Blaine Anderson: # I only know that when I'm in it #
The Warblers: # Only know when I'm in it #
Blaine Anderson: # It isn't silly #
The Warblers: # At all #
Blaine Anderson: # No, it isn't silly #
The Warblers: # At all #
Blaine Anderson: # Love isn't silly at all #
# Not at all #
The Warblers: # Bah, bah, bada, bada, dah #
# Da, ba-ba, bada, bah #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # Do, do, do, do #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # I can't explain the feeling's plain to me #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ah, he gave me more #
# How can I tell you about #
# He gave it all to me #
# Say, can't you see? #
# My loved one? #
# I can't explain #
# How #
# The feeling's plain to me #
# Can I tell you about #
# My loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ba, ba, bada, bada, da, ba, ba-ba, bada, ba #
# Bah, bah! #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Brittany out of a cannon, but it wasn't safe, so Brittany, Santana and Quinn quit the Cheerios.
Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.
Ian Brennan: Now we get to see what they look like in street clothes. Finn broke up with Rachel because she made out with Puck, but then Quinn kissed Finn after the big game, even though she's been dating Sam. Yikes! It used to be a love triangle, and now it's, like, a Pentagon. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Noah Puckerman: We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but there are two lessons I learned the hard way. One: never punch a cop. The other one: you can't choose love. Love chooses you. I mean, I could have any girl I wanted, but here I am, in the middle of geometry or English or something, and the only girl I've got my eye on is a whole lot of woman.



Noah Puckerman: I owe it all to Sectionals. We needed a 12th member, and I told her if she joined the Glee Club, I'd give her seven minutes in heaven. But what went down in that janitor's closet was epic.
Lauren Zizes: You're really not good at this, and you're kind of scrawny.
Noah Puckerman: You got to be kidding me.
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, you're not turning me on at all. Later, sad sack.
Noah Puckerman: But that was only three minutes.
Lauren Zizes: Three minutes I'll never get back.



Noah Puckerman: Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me, like my mom. Maybe I just dig a chick with curves, but it's almost Valentine's Day, and it's official.
Lauren Zizes: Stare at me again, and I'll break your nuts. Also, these candies you gave me? They sucked.
Noah Puckerman: But you ate all of them.
Lauren Zizes: I had to make sure they all sucked.
Noah Puckerman: I'm in love with Lauren Zizes.



Finn Hudson: It's amazing what actually accomplishing something does to a person. I know what you're thinking- that they're all only into me because I won the first Conference Championship in this school's history, but I've changed. I'm walking taller, carrying a bigger stick and using it to fight off the ladies.
Becky Jackson: I love you, Finny-bear.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, Becky. Oh.
Becky Jackson: Be my Valentine?
Finn Hudson: Awesome. I'll keep you posted.
Becky Jackson: Copy that.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I've been collecting a lot of hearts lately. Only question is, which one to choose. Bingo. I just need to go for this. Maybe the reason it never worked out with Rachel was because I was never over Quinn. I know I can pry her away from Sam if I can get her to kiss me again. The ridiculous thing is that I could get every girl in this school to kiss me but her. Game on.



Kurt Hummel: Okay, I'm all for flair, but these Valentine Day decorations are just tacky. I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be?
Blaine Anderson: It's clearly puppy love. It's cute. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: Ooh.
Plushie: I love you!
Kurt Hummel: Oh, this is creepy.
Blaine Anderson: Adorable.
Kurt Hummel: It's a simple excuse to sell candy and greeting cards on a holiday.
Blaine Anderson: Not true. People have been celebrating Valentine's Day for centuries. And call me a hopeless romantic, but it's my favorite holiday.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Blaine Anderson: I think there's something really great about a day where you're encouraged to just lay it all on the line and say to somebody, "I'm in love with you." You know? And this year, I want to do something really radical, so I need your opinion on this. Well, there's this guy that I sort of... like, and I've only known him for a little while, but I want to tell him that I think my feelings are starting to change into something... deeper. So I have to ask. Do you think it's too much to sing to somebody on Valentine's Day?
Kurt Hummel: Not at all.
Barista: What can I get you?
Blaine Anderson: Uh, a medium drip, and a grande nonfat mocha for this guy, and maybe I can get him to split one of those Cupid cookies.
Kurt Hummel: You know my coffee order?
Blaine Anderson: Of course I do.
Barista: That'll be $8.40.
Blaine Anderson: Don't even bother, dummy. It's on me. Keep the change.
Kurt Hummel: I do believe I have a new favorite holiday.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, I have one word for you. Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: Is it "love"? I'm totally going to graduate now.
Will Schuester: Valentine's Day is coming up, so for this week's lesson, I want you guys to pick a partner, because you're going to sing to them what you think is the world's greatest love song. Yeah, find a song that communicates all the things that love means to you. Now, partner up.
Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, can I say something? I just wanted to point out that for the first time, an entire week has gone by without any one of us getting slushied. I think the fact that I led the football team to a Conference Championship might have something to do with it. Fact is that I'm the closest thing that this Glee Club has to a celebrity right now. And just like a famous athlete, I want to give to a charity. You guys. So, I'm setting up a kissing booth for a dollar a smooch, and donating the proceeds to Glee Club to help us...
Mercedes Jones: Don't even act like you're trying to help this Glee Club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls.
Santana Lopez: I've kissed Finn, and can I just say? Not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man-boobs.
Finn Hudson: Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down?
Santana Lopez: No, not really.
Finn Hudson: 'Cause you always just seem to do be meddling in everybody else's business.
Santana Lopez: Oh, please. You guys love me. I keep it real, and I'm hilarious.
Lauren Zizes: Actually, you're just a bitch.
Will Schuester: Whoa!
Santana Lopez: Okay. I'm sorry. You've just got eyes for my man.
Noah Puckerman: Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.
Quinn Fabray: And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged in a 12-step program.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Santana Lopez: You're addicted to vests.
Rachel Berry: The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical version of Willow, but the only job you're going to have is working on a pole.
Santana Lopez: Fine.
Will Schuester: Santana...



Brittany S. Pierce: Maybe try rocking back and forth. People do that in movies.
Santana Lopez: No. 'Cause I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck, you know?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: No one gets it.
Lauren Zizes: I suppose you want me to thank you for sticking up for me today, except that makes it seem like I need somebody to stick up for me, so...
Noah Puckerman: Oh, no, no. Trust me. I- I know you don't need me to stick up for you. I mean, you're all kinds of tough. And...
Lauren Zizes: Mm, it's true.
Noah Puckerman: How about you let me take you to Breadstix for Valentine's Day?
Lauren Zizes: Do you seriously think it's that easy? I'm not desperate, so if you really want this, you best come correct. Because I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S, and I need to be wooed, you understand me? Wooed.
Noah Puckerman: Damn.



Blaine Anderson: Hey. What you doing?
Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Just, uh, daydreaming, plotting weekend outfits.
Blaine Anderson: Well, come on. You're going to want to see this. I've called an emergency meeting of the Warblers' Council.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, sounds serious.
Blaine Anderson: Let's hope not. I just need to ask them a tiny little favor.



Wesley Montgomery: This emergency meeting is called to order. Junior member Blaine Anderson, the floor is yours.
Blaine Anderson: Esteemed council, I'll be brief. Simply put... I'm in love.
The Warblers: Ooh!
David Thompson: Congrats.
Blaine Anderson: I'm not really good at talking about my feelings. I'm much better at singing them. But still, I could use a little help. Which is why I'm asking to enlist the Warblers to help serenade this individual in song off-campus.
The Warblers: What? What?! Off-campus?! Are you serious? Did I hear you right?
Blaine Anderson: I- I know what I'm asking is slightly unusual.
Wesley Montgomery: The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927, when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu rendition of "Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy."
David Thompson: Why would we even consider what you're asking?
Blaine Anderson: I firmly believe that our reticence to perform in public nearly cost us a trip to Regionals. We're becoming privileged, porcelain birds perched on a... on a gilded shelf.
Thad Harwood: You mock us, sir.
Wesley Montgomery: Thad, David? I will have order.
Kurt Hummel: May I please say something? With respect, I believe Blaine has a point. The Warblers are so concerned with image and tradition that sometimes I feel like we miss out on opportunities to step outside our comfort zones. When I was on New Directions, we performed in front of hostile crowds pretty much anywhere we went. I mean, mattress stores, shopping malls. I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once. But it-it gave us confidence. It-It kept us loose.
Wesley Montgomery: And where would this performance take place?
Blaine Anderson: The Gap at the North Hills Mall. I'd like to call it The Warblers' Gap Attack.
Kurt Hummel: Why the Gap?
Blaine Anderson: The guy that I like is a junior manager.
Wesley Montgomery: All right, well, all those in favor?



Kurt Hummel: I was absolutely devastated.
The Exciters: # I know something about... #
Rachel Berry: Did he ever actually say you two were dating?
Kurt Hummel: Well, not in so many words.
Mercedes Jones: Well, did he put the moves on?
Kurt Hummel: No, but we were always singing duets, and he was always smiling at me.
The Exciters: # The very part of you... #
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, I made up the whole thing in my head, didn't I?
Mercedes Jones: Listen, we've all been there. At least I have. With you.
Rachel Berry: I know exactly what you mean. I mean, if Finn thinks that he's just gonna walk out of my life, he's wrong, 'cause I'm gonna go up to that kissing booth tomorrow with a $100 bill and he's not gonna be able to make change, and then he's gonna be forced to kiss me 100 times, and when his lips touch mine, I'm telling you, he's gonna feel it.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, hey. We're supposed to be giving Kurt advice, remember?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: You are going to the Gap Attack, though, right?
Kurt Hummel: Should-Should I?
Mercedes Jones: Yes!
Rachel Berry: Mm-hmm.
Mercedes Jones: Scope out the competition. See what this guy's like. You know, you two are both so guy crazy. Yeah. Look at me. I don't have a date for Valentine's Day, and I could give a rip. The three of us are divas. Look at our idols. Whitney, Barbra, Patti LuPone. They all became stars while they were single. They took all the pain and loneliness, and they put it into their music. People could relate to it. Yeah, everybody feels lonely. Harnessing this pain is why they became legends.
Rachel Berry: Why has this never occurred to me?
Mercedes Jones: Sometimes you have to choose between love and talent. And as far as I'm concerned, we all need to fly solo for a while.
The Exciters: # Oh, yeah #
# Oh, I know something about love... #
Kurt Hummel: It's so nice to be around girls, for a change.
Rachel Berry: Oh. Here. Move over.



Noah Puckerman: # Are you gonna take me home tonight? #
# Ah, down beside that red firelight #
# Are you gonna let it all hang out? #
# Fat-bottomed girls #
# You make the rockin' world go round #
# Hey #
# I was just a skinny lad #
# Never knew no good from bad #
# But I knew love before I left my nursery #
# Left alone with big fat Fanny #
# She was such a naughty nanny #
# Hey, big woman, you made a bad boy out of me #
# I've been singing with my band #
# Cross the water, cross the land #
# I seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way #
# Hey #
Brittany S. Pierce: Whoo!
Noah Puckerman: # But their beauty and their style #
# Went kind of smooth after a while #
# Take me to them lardy ladies every time #
# Come on #
# Oh, won't you take me home tonight? #
# Oh, down beside your red firelight #
# Are you gonna let it all hang out? #
# Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round #
# Yeah #
Boys of ND: # Fat-bottomed girls #
Noah Puckerman: # You make the rockin' world go round #
# Get on your bikes and ride #
# Ooh, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Them fat bottomed girls #
Boys of ND: # Fat-bottomed girls #
Noah Puckerman: # Yeah, yeah #
# Yeah #
Rachel Berry: High five.
Noah Puckerman: So, um, what'd you think? It was... That's kind of my love song to you, 'cause, you know, you're a little... on the heavier side, but, like the song says, you know, I'm kind of into it. So...
Lauren Zizes: That was the first time anyone ever sang me a love song. And it made me feel like crap.



Becky Jackson: I want tongue.
Finn Hudson: Uh, thanks, Becky. Oh... Sorry, ladies. Brush and floss time. Got to keep up the oral hygiene if I'm gonna satisfy all of you. Sorry.
Quinn Fabray: I know why you're doing this. You know I'm the only girl in school that won't kiss you, and you think that the peer pressure will get to me.
Finn Hudson: Well, it is sort of uncool that you... you're too uptight to spend a buck for a good cause like Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not kissing you again.
Finn Hudson: What are you so afraid of?
Quinn Fabray: Leading you on, hurting my boyfriend.
Finn Hudson: Your boyfriend's a boy. Tell me you don't want to kiss me right now.
Quinn Fabray: I can't do this.



Sam Evans: I saw it. Your guys' faces, were, like, right up next to each other. Kissing distance. What are these things?
Quinn Fabray: They're called records. People used to listen to music on them. I'm looking for a classic love song to sing to you for our assignment, because despite your confusion about the matter, you are the only guy I'm ever within kissing distance of.
Sam Evans: Okay. So answer me this, then. Why haven't you kissed Finn at his booth yet?
Quinn Fabray: Okay, first you're all up in my business for kissing Finn, and now you're pissed at me for not kissing...
Sam Evans: It's odd. Something seems fishy. I mean...
Quinn Fabray: This is insane.
Ancient Librarian: Shh!
Sam Evans: Everyone thinks I'm dumb.
Quinn Fabray: Not... everyone.
Sam Evans: But I'm not. At least... not about you. You play it cool, but you're ambitious. You like being the queen bee, and you think being with star quarterback Finn is going to put you up there, whether you're wearing a Cheerios uniform or not. I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.
Quinn Fabray: Fine. Right after Glee rehearsal, I'm kissing Finn.



Finn Hudson: Thanks. Are you sure you can handle this?
Rachel Berry: Oh, absolutely. I've decided that I'm better off without you. Not without you specifically, but without any man who's going to keep me from achieving my goals of stardom.
Finn Hudson: Sweet. Uh... Well, we should probably kiss. There's a line-up.
Rachel Berry: What-What the hell? On the cheek?
Finn Hudson: Wait, I thought you said you were over me.
Rachel Berry: I am, but I still... I still want a real kiss. That was not a dollar kiss.
Finn Hudson: I knew you were lying about being through with love and all that stuff.
Rachel Berry: Okay, fine. I still love you. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Why can't you just forgive me?
Finn Hudson: You cheated on me. That means something.
Rachel Berry: What does it mean? That I was stupid? That I was angry? I- I don't care about Puck. I don't care about anybody but you. It's Valentine's Day.
Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah. I ordered it for you for Christmas before we broke up. Just open it. I think you're right about wanting to be alone for a while. 'Cause let's face it, Rachel. You're better than everyone in this school. You don't need me or any other guy to anchor you to Lima. You're a real star. And you need to shine. Just because I can't be with you, it doesn't mean I don't believe in you.
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Mike Chang: It's weird. Who'd have guessed that the quiet, skinny Asian guy and the kid in the wheelchair would end up dating two of the raddest girls in school? No jealousy. No drama.
Artie Abrams: Nope.
Mike Chang: I don't know how we did it.
Artie Abrams: I do. We're dope.
# You know, you #
# You make me feel so good inside #
# I always wanted a girl just like you #
# Such a P.Y.T. #
# Pretty young thing #
# Oh #
# Where did you come from, baby? #
# And ooh, won't you take me there? #
# Right away, won't you, baby? #
# Tenderoni, you've got to be #
# Spark my nature, sugar, fly with me #
# Don't you know now is the perfect time? #
# We can make it right, hit the city lights #
# Then tonight, ease the lovin' pain #
# Let me take you to the max #
# I want to love you #
New Directions: # P.Y.T. #
Artie Abrams: # Pretty young thing #
# You need some lovin' #
New Directions: # T.L.C. #
Artie Abrams: # Tender lovin' care #
# And I'll take you there, girl #
# Ooh-ooh #
# I want to love you #
New Directions: # P.Y.T. #
Artie Abrams: # Pretty young thing #
# You need some lovin' #
New Directions: # T.L.C. #
Artie Abrams: # Tender lovin' care #
# And I'll take you there #
# Girl, I'll take you there #
New Directions: # Pretty young thing #
Artie Abrams: # Ooh #
New Directions: # You make me sing #
Artie Abrams: # Pretty young things #
# Repeat after me #
# Sing "Na, na, na" #
New Directions: # Na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Na, na, na, na #
New Directions: # Na, na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Sing, "Na, na, na" #
New Directions: # Na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Na, na, na, na, na #
New Directions: # Na, na, na, na, na #
Artie Abrams: # Oh #
# Hoo #
# Hoo-oo-oo #
New Directions: # P.Y.T. #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, baby #
New Directions: # T.L.C. #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, baby #
Brittany S. Pierce: That's my man and his legs don't work.
Finn Hudson: Tenderoni!
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm so in love, I may just start crying.



Noah Puckerman: What's that?
Santana Lopez: It's a receipt. I went to Jared. You can reimburse me, we'll have dinner at Breadstix, and then we can consider this settled.
Noah Puckerman: Um, no. And consider what settled?
Santana Lopez: Look, you've made your point. I'm sort of a bitch. But I'm willing to change. I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might mistake her for the endangered White Rhino.
Lauren Zizes: I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave out ya head.
Noah Puckerman: Oh. This is not gonna be good.
Santana Lopez: Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person.
Lauren Zizes: Thank you.
Santana Lopez: Now, get out of my way, please, a- fores I ends you.
Lauren Zizes: You don't want to push me.
Santana Lopez: Oh. But, see, I- I sort of do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks.
Shannon Beiste: Hey! Knock it off and get going!
Santana Lopez: Yeah. That's how we do it in Lima Heights.
Shannon Beiste: Get you to the nurse.
Noah Puckerman: Please go out with me. Just... Please.
Lauren Zizes: You make a formal presentation, and I'll consider it.



Sam Evans: Wait. Hold on. I want to see this.
Finn Hudson: Pervert?
Sam Evans: I'd prefer "chaperone," and also "boyfriend."
Quinn Fabray: Satisfied?
Sam Evans: Yeah. Let's go.
Quinn Fabray: Hmm.
Sam Evans: So I took a bunch of those records you were looking at in the library, and I'm gonna load them into my iTunes.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, I forgot my purse. Meet me tomorrow afternoon in the auditorium.
Finn Hudson: Fireworks.



Blaine Anderson: That's him. The blonde one folding sweaters.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm. I can see the appeal. That's quite a ad of hair.
Blaine Anderson: His name is Jeremiah. If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50% discount. This is insane. I don't know what I'm doing. We haven't even really gone out on a date. We-We shouldn't do this. This is crazy.
Kurt Hummel: Okay. Come on. Come on. Man up. You're amazing. He's gonna love you.
The Warblers: # Vum, vum, vum, vum! #
# Vum, vum, vum, vum! #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby girl, where you at? #
# Got no strings, got men attached #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Can't stop that feelin' for long, no #
# Mmm #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # You makin' dogs wanna beg #
# Breaking them off your fancy legs #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # But they make you feel right at home, now #
# Oh #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # See, all these illusions just take us too long #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # And I want it bad #
# Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause you make me sick and I'm not leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Till you're leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ooh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, I swear there's something when she's pumpin' #
# Asking for a raise #
# Well, does she want me to carry her home now? #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # So, does she want me to buy her things? #
# On my house, on my job, on my loot #
# Shoes, my shirt, my crew #
# My mind, my father's last name? #
The Warblers: # Ohh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
# When I get you, you'll know, babe #
The Warblers: # Ohh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
# When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
# La-la, ah, ah, ah... #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, come on #
The Warblers: # Ah, ah, ah, ah... #
Blaine Anderson: # Yeah, yeah #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Baby girl, you the shh! #
# That makes you my equivalent #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # Well, you can keep your toys in the drawer tonight #
# All right #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # All my dogs talkin' fast #
# Ain't you got some photographs? #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause you shook that room #
# Like a star, now, yes, you did, yes, you did #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # All these intrusions just take us too long #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # And I want you so bad #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # Because you walk city, because you talk city #
# 'Cause you make me sick, and I'm not leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Till you're leavin' #
The Warblers: # Ooh... #
Blaine Anderson: # So I pray to something she ain't bluffing #
# Rubbin' up on me #
# Well, does she want me to make a vow? Check it #
# Well, does she want me to make it now? #
# On my house, on my job, on my loot #
The Warblers: # Ooh... #
Blaine Anderson: # Shoes, my voice, my crew, my mind #
# My father's last name? #
# When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you, you'll know, babe #
# When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ahh... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
# Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, oh #
The Warblers: # Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum... #
Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone. #
The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da! #



Blaine Anderson: Was it too much? It was too much. Jeremiah. Hey.
Jeremiah: What the hell were you doing?
Blaine Anderson: What?
Jeremiah: I just got fired. You can't just bust a groove in the middle of somebody else's workplace.
Blaine Anderson: But they loved it.
Jeremiah: Well, my boss didn't. Neither did I. No one here knows I'm gay.
Kurt Hummel: Can I be honest? Just, with the hair? I think they do.
Jeremiah: Blaine, let's just be clear here. You and I got coffee twice. We're not dating. If we were, I'd get arrested, 'cause you're underage.



Mike Chang: Oh, yeah. That's my ear. That's my ear. I love it. I like it.
Santana Lopez: Ugh, gross. How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action at this school, and here I am on Valentine's, single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable. Wait, that's weird. Quinn's wearing her queen bitch smirk, and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around. I know what cheating looks like. I do it all the time. Well, I think it's time to do what Santana does best. Revenge.



Santana Lopez: I've always loved volunteering at the local hospital, and not just because of the sexy candy striper outfit. Giving back is so important. Excuse me. Are there any sick students I can help you tend to?
Nurse: Wes Fahey's down with mono and he's waiting for his mom to pick him up. But you shouldn't go in there. It's highly contagious.
Santana Lopez: Please. I've had mono so many times, it turned into stereo. Hi. So, I'm gonna need to borrow your germs.
Wes Fahey: Thanks.



Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa.
Santana Lopez: Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself. If I have anything, I hope it's not contagious.
Finn Hudson: But what? Hi.



Noah Puckerman: What is this place?
Lauren Zizes: It's the library. Haven't you been in here before? No? Okay. I don't understand. You said you want to formally ask me out, but I see no envelope of cash, no muffin basket.
Noah Puckerman: I sang to you.
Lauren Zizes: An offensive song. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
Noah Puckerman: Wait. I mean, let's be honest here, you look... the way you look. And I'm embracing that. I mean, it turns me on, babe.
Lauren Zizes: I look like America looks. And, like America, I need more than just a song to get my juices flowing.
Noah Puckerman: Lauren Zizes, will you go to Breadstix with me tomorrow night?
Lauren Zizes: Tomorrow's not Valentine's Day.
Noah Puckerman: Tomorrow's the pre-date. 'Cause our mouths are going to be too busy macking out on Valentine's Day to eat anything.
Lauren Zizes: I like your style, Puckerman. I dine at 8:00. Now, get out of here, before I change my mind. Yeah. Good-bye.



Quinn Fabray: Sorry. I was at church.
Finn Hudson: Praying for the strength to come?
Quinn Fabray: Not to. You realize this is making me a cheater, the thing that hurt you so badly that it made you break up with me. And Rachel.
Finn Hudson: You know why it hurt so bad when you guys cheated on me? 'Cause it meant you didn't love me.
Quinn Fabray: That's not true.
Finn Hudson: No. At least not enough to not want t to hurt me, and that's the thing about cheating. When you really love someone, you'd do anything to keep them safe.
Quinn Fabray: I love Sam.
Finn Hudson: No, you don't. Or else you wouldn't have come here.
Quinn Fabray: Fine. I think I love him. No matter what happens between us, I'm not going to break up with Sam until I know for sure one way or another.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Quinn Fabray: Do you think you can love two people at one time?
Finn Hudson: Not totally. You have to choose, eventually.
Quinn Fabray: Not yet.



Blaine Anderson: Don't they have anything here that isn't covered with stupid, little hearts? Gross.
Kurt Hummel: Well, you've certainly changed your tune.
Blaine Anderson: I don't think I've ever made that big a fool of myself, which is really saying something, because I've performed at theme parks. I just... I can't believe I made it all up in my head.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, can I ask you something? Because we've always been completely honest with each other. You and I? We hang out. We sing flirty duets together. You know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that that was nothing?
Blaine Anderson: What do you mean?
Kurt Hummel: I thought the guy that you wanted to ask out on Valentine's Day was me.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, wow. I really am clueless. Look, Kurt... I don't know what I'm doing. I pretend like I do. And I know how to act it out in song, but the truth is... I've never really been anyone's boyfriend.
Kurt Hummel: Me, neither.
Blaine Anderson: Let me be really clear about something. I really, really care about you. But as you and about 20 mortified shoppers saw, I'm not very good at romance. I don't want to screw this up.
Kurt Hummel: So it's just like When Harry Met Sally. But I get to play Meg Ryan.
Blaine Anderson: Deal. Don't they, uh, get together in the end?
Kurt Hummel: Could I get a nonfat mocha, and a medium drip for my friend Billy Crystal?
Blaine Anderson: Ah, you know my coffee order.
Kurt Hummel: You know what? I think I've got something for us to do on Valentine's Day.



Noah Puckerman: Thanks for doing this. It really takes the sting off.
Michelle: It's cool. My dad's a drug addict, so losers make me horny.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not a loser. This is the first time I've ever been stood up.
Michelle: Must be some chick to blow you off.
Waitress Sandy: Michelle, I've been covering your section for 15 minutes. Your break's over. And your husband called.



Finn Hudson: Well, I did it. I kissed every girl in this school, and raised $324 for the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: All right, Finn. Thanks. That'll pay for half a ticket to Nationals. So... Still a long way to go. All right? Okay. Now I believe it's time to hear what the world's greatest love song means to Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang. Come on up.
Finn Hudson: Is anyone else hot? It's really stuffy in here.
Tina Cohen-Chang: This is for you, Mike. Happy Valentine's Day.
# My funny Valentine #
# Sweet, comic Valentine #
# You make me smile with my heart #
# Your looks are laughable #
# Unphotographable #
# Yet you're my favorite work of art #
# Is your figure less than Greek? #
# Is your mouth a little weak? #
# When you open... #
# ... are you smart? #
# Stay, oh, oh, God, Valentine #
# Stay... #
Every day is Valentine's Day... when I'm with you.
Mike Chang: That was good. Thank you.
Will Schuester: Okay. Wow, that was... powerful. Almost too powerful.
Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, can I be excused? I don't feel well.
Quinn Fabray: Me, either. I feel sick.
Santana Lopez: Let me guess. You have a sore throat, and your glands are swollen, and you're feverish.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, which is why I need to go to the nurse.
Santana Lopez: It sounds like you have mono. Otherwise known as the kissing disease. But you know what really helps spread it? A little tongue. Which is weird, because it sounds like Quinn here has it, too.
Sam Evans: I was there when they kissed. It was just a peck.
Santana Lopez: So, how about we stop talking about tonguing, and Finn and I go to the nurse? You know what? I think that is a capital idea!



Quinn Fabray: I've cheated twice in my life. The first time, I got pregnant. The second time, I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.
Finn Hudson: Maybe. But I think Sam likes you enough to believe whatever story you told him.
Quinn Fabray: Santana is such a bitch.
Nurse: It looks like mono to me. I called your mothers. You can hang here till they pick you up, but no kissing.
Finn Hudson: I'm not done with us yet.
Quinn Fabray: You have to stop. Nothing can happen between us, until I figure out what's going on with me and Sam and you figure out what's going on with you and Rachel.
Finn Hudson: But... nothing's... nothing's going on with me and Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me, you're staring at her.



Noah Puckerman: Hello... Lauren.
Lauren Zizes: What's with the chilly willy, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: Honestly, I'm not used to getting stood up. Last night? Breadstix?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, we had a date, didn't we?
Noah Puckerman: Look, I get it. You've been hurt by guys before. But I'm telling you, I'm not like that.
Lauren Zizes: First of all, you got a girl pregnant last year, so, yeah, you are. And B: What makes you assume guys treat me badly? I can take care of myself.
Noah Puckerman: That's what I like about you. I'm not into you because you... have curves. I... What I like is that you're a girl who's an even bigger bad ass than me.
Lauren Zizes: Can I be honest with you? I like you. I used to think you were smokin', but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I thought you were mixed race, and that never fails to get me going. But here's the thing, Puckerman. I'm not just looking for somebody to fool around with, so if you're really into me, you got to take it slow.
Noah Puckerman: I suppose I could give that a shot.
Lauren Zizes: Then you're on for Valentine's Day. As friends.



Rachel Berry: Where's Quinn?
Finn Hudson: Uh... Uh, her mom picked her up a few hours ago.
Rachel Berry: Quinn really is very pretty.
Finn Hudson: You don't have to do that, you know.
Rachel Berry: No. I would do it for anyone. She's prettier than me.
Finn Hudson: Would you stop? You're beautiful.
Rachel Berry: I know she is. It meant so much to me that you chose me over her. Girls like me don't get chosen over girls like her very much. Did you kiss her? Like Santana said?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, but I-I just needed to get it out of my system.
Rachel Berry: So, what did it feel like? When you kissed her?
Finn Hudson: Fireworks.
Rachel Berry: Did you see fireworks when you kissed me?
Finn Hudson: Rachel, wait.
Rachel Berry: No. It's good. Thank you. Look, you've given me the strength to move on. I know now that there's... nothing here for me anymore.
Finn Hudson: That's not the truth. I still... I'm just... I'm so confused in my head right now.
Rachel Berry: No, it's okay. Look, I understand. Now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back. And you've actually inspired my song selection for this week's love song assignment. Feel better, Finn.
# Do you ever feel like a plastic bag #
# Drifting through the wind #
# Wanting to start again? #
# Do you ever feel #
# Feel so paper thin #
# Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? #
# Do you ever feel already buried deep? #
# Six feet under screams #
# But no one seems to hear a thing #
# Do you know that there's still a chance for you? #
# 'Cause there's a spark in you #
# You just gotta ignite the light #
# And let it shine #
# Just own the night #
# Like the Fourth of July #
# 'Cause, baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, show 'em what you're worth #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# As you shoot across the sky-y-y #
# Baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, let your colors burst #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# You're gonna leave 'em going, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# Baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, let your colors burst #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# You're gonna leave 'em going, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# Boom, boom, boom #
# Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon #
# Boom, boom, boom #
# Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon. #



Mercedes Jones: Mind if we join you?
Rachel Berry: I would love that.
Kurt Hummel: Testing, one, two, three. Test-Testing, one, two, three. All right. So, Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. For those of you Breadstix patrons who don't know who I am, I'm Kurt Hummel, and welcome to my first ever Lonely Hearts Club dinner. Whether you are single with hope, or madly in love, and are here because I forced you to come out and support me, sit back and enjoy. And to all the singles out there, this is our year.
The Warblers: # How can I tell #
# I can't explain #
# The feeling's plain to me #
# You about my loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ah, he gave me more #
# How can I tell #
# He gave it all to me #
# You about #
# My loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
Blaine Anderson: # You'd think that people would have had enough #
# Of silly love songs #
The Warblers: # Bum, bum, bum #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # But I look around me and I see it isn't so #
The Warblers: # Bum, bum, bum #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Some people #
# Wanna fill the world with silly love songs #
The Warblers: # Ah, ah, ah #
Blaine Anderson: # And what's wrong with that? #
The Warblers: # What's wrong with that? #
Blaine Anderson: # I'd like to know #
The Warblers: # I'd like to know #
Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause here I go again #
The Warblers: # Here I go #
Blaine Anderson: # Again #
The Warblers: # Ba, ba, ba, ba-dah #
# Bah #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # La-la, la-la, la, la #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # La-la, la-la, la, ah, dah #
Blaine Anderson: # Love doesn't come in a minute #
The Warblers: # Doesn't come in a minute #
Blaine Anderson: # Sometimes it doesn't come at all #
The Warblers: # Doesn't come at all #
Blaine Anderson: # I only know that when I'm in it #
The Warblers: # Only know when I'm in it #
Blaine Anderson: # It isn't silly #
The Warblers: # At all #
Blaine Anderson: # No, it isn't silly #
The Warblers: # At all #
Blaine Anderson: # Love isn't silly at all #
# Not at all #
The Warblers: # Bah, bah, bada, bada, dah #
# Da, ba-ba, bada, bah #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # Do, do, do, do #
Blaine Anderson: # I love you #
The Warblers: # I can't explain the feeling's plain to me #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ah, he gave me more #
# How can I tell you about #
# He gave it all to me #
# Say, can't you see? #
# My loved one? #
# I can't explain #
# How #
# The feeling's plain to me #
# Can I tell you about #
# My loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ba, ba, bada, bada, da, ba, ba-ba, bada, ba #
# Bah, bah! #
外部リンク
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記載日

 2012年1月15日