Glee

Ian Brennan: So, here's what you missed last season on Glee. Quinn had a baby, Finn and Rachel are in love, Sue's going easy on Will, and even though the Glee Club worked really hard to get to Regionals, they didn't win.

Sue Sylvester: Vocal Adrenaline!

Ian Brennan: But it's okay to not win an award, particularly when you had so much fun getting there, right? Right?

Artie Abrams: We didn't even place.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Jacob Ben Israel: Up here. Come on, focus. Okay. Hi, I'm Jacob Ben Israel with Glee's Big Gay Summer, with all the Glee Club dish you're dying to know. Rachel, how do you respond to rumors you're incredibly difficult to work with?

Finn Hudson: Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that.

Rachel Berry: We've been dating all summer.

Finn Hudson: Rachel's what you'd call a controllist.

Rachel Berry: I-I'm controlling. "Controllist" isn't a word.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Rachel Berry: I'm controlling. Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee Clubbers?

Finn Hudson: Yes. That was out loud, wasn't it?

Jacob Ben Israel: Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your Glee Club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod?

Will Schuester: Well, I try to do something for everybody. Uh, 25% show tunes, 25% hip-hop, 25% classic rock...

Jacob Ben Israel: 100% gay.

Jacob Ben Israel: Confirm or deny the rumor that because you knocked up Quinn Fabray, you spent all your summer pool cleaning money on a vasectomy.

Noah Puckerman: It's true. It was the responsible thing to do.

Jacob Ben Israel: Is it also true you're suffering from a crippling depression because you're not over Miss Fabray?

Jacob Ben Israel: How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?

Quinn Fabray: Well, I'm happy to be back, and I'm ready to start fresh. And... I'm a lot less hormonal, so... so there's not really any crying.

Jacob Ben Israel: How was your summer?

Santana Lopez: My eyes are up here, JewFro. And it was uneventful.

Brittany S. Pierce: People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Jacob Ben Israel: What can you say about the rumors the two of you are dating?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Because we're both Asian? That's racist.

Mike Chang: Totally racist.

Jacob Ben Israel: Um. Did you get that? You saw it here first.

Jacob Ben Israel: Did you know there's a forum on my blog that's begging you to stop rapping?

Will Schuester: Wait, th-the kids don't like it when I rap?

Jacob Ben Israel: When will you Glee Clubbers accept the fact that people hate you and think you're nothing but a glorified karaoke club designed to make the inventors of AutoTune millions of dollars?

Kurt Hummel: Kiss it, Jacob. Go away, go away.

Jacob Ben Israel: When exactly did you ink your sponsorship with Lands' End?

Jacob Ben Israel: When are you slated to make your triumphant return to the Shire?

Jacob Ben Israel: How do you get the white on rice?

Jacob Ben Israel: What did you do with all that breast milk?

Kurt Hummel: You know what, Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log on to the Internet and start tearing people down, does it? But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something. So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say to my face.

Azimio Adams: Welcome back, lady!

Dave Karofsky: Whoo!

Kurt Hummel: I don't suppose there's any way you could just cut out that last part, is there?

Sue Sylvester: Hey, why so glum, William? Cat crap in your coffee? Or are you worried no one's signing up for your little club there?

Will Schuester: Nah, not at all, Sue. Nationals are in New York City this year. I think that list is gonna be filled up in no time.

Sue Sylvester: Well, you know what your problem is? "No tryouts, just sign up." Nobody wants to be part of a club that just anyone can join. See this? It's a court summons-- child endangerment-- 'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon, several others started worshipping a possum carcass as their lord. That's how much they want to be Cheerios.

Will Schuester: Well, sorry, Sue. Anyone who wants to join Glee Club gets to join.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, God, Will, let me break it down for you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions. Not everyone should be champions. We need fry cooks and bus drivers.

Will Schuester: Well, Sue, it's how I work, and it's not going to change.

Sue Sylvester: I like being friends with you, Will. This is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it all by yourself. Oh, it's time to feed my gimp. Oh, and also, Figgins wants to see us. Ah-ah-ah! Not you! Hands off that list.

Sue Sylvester: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the President of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!

Principal Figgins: Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.

Sue Sylvester: Do you think your kids can manage life without their daddy?

Will Schuester: We're barely surviving on the budget we have. Slashing the Glee budget by ten percent, cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.

Principal Figgins: Sacrifices must be made.

Shannon Beiste: This is being mandated at the district level, guys. Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations is through a successful athletic department-- specifically, a winning football team.

Sue Sylvester: Who's this?

Shannon Beiste: I'm Shannon Beiste; I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?

Principal Figgins: Nervous breakdown. Don't look at it as a punishment, look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures. The more money the football program brings in, the more I can give back to you guys! Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive all-Missouri high school football championship. We're very lucky to have her!

Shannon Beiste: What can I say? I like a challenge.

Sue Sylvester: First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse-- sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to Hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles. But you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.

Shannon Beiste: Do not get up in a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.

Sue Sylvester: That doesn't make any sense.

Will Schuester: Coach, uh, Beiste, I-I think you understand our frustration. Our budgets just got cut by ten percent.

Shannon Beiste: It should have been more! You think there's not something wrong when the cheerleaders' budget's higher than the people who they're cheering for?

Will Schuester: Well, sure, but the Glee Club is a...

Shannon Beiste: The Glee Club? You came in third last year and you're asking for more money? That's a steer with six teats and no oink.

Sue Sylvester: This doesn't make any sense.

Will Schuester: What?

Will Schuester: These are comments from Jacob Ben-Israel's most recent Glee Club blog. "Glee is a giant ball of suck."

Kurt Hummel: We get it, Mr. Schue. Everyone still hates us. So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain? Only difference now is that none of us really care.

Mercedes Jones: Kurt's right. We're a family. They can bring it all they want. None of it is going to break us.

Will Schuester: Okay, I'm really happy that you guys have all bonded. The problem is that all of this negative stuff is keeping other students from auditioning.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Good. Why do we need new members?

Will Schuester: Well, since Matt transferred, we only have 11 members, and if we want to go to Nationals, if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. You didn't see Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals. They were epic. We're going to need more voices in order to beat them.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. I'm with Rachel on this one.

Brittany S. Pierce: Gross.

Will Schuester: You're going to have to trust me on this, guys. Now, here's the plan. Nationals are in New York this year, and we are going. Now let's go out there and show the school how cool it's going to be, how cool we can be. If they're not going to come to us, let's go to them. They say we only sing show tunes and '80s pop. Let's show them how down we are. Let's give them the song of the year, New Directions style.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Whoo! Whoo!

Mike Chang: Yeah!

Boys of ND: # Bum bum bum #

Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah #

Boys of ND: # Bum bum bum #

Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah, yeah, I'm out that Brooklyn #
# Now I'm down in Tribeca #
# Right next to DeNiro, but I'll be hood forever #
# I'm the new Sinatra #
# And since I made it here, I can make it anywhere #
# Yeah, they love me everywhere #

Finn Hudson: # I used to cop in Harlem #
# All of my Dominicanos #
# Right there up on Broadway #
# Pull me back to that McDonald's #
# Took it to my stash box, 560 State Street #
# Catch me in the kitchen like a Simmons whippin' pastries #

Mercedes Jones: # Aah, ooh #

Noah Puckerman: # Eight million stories #
# Out there in it naked #
# City, it's a pity #
# Half of y'all won't make it #
# Me, I got a plug, Special Ed "I Got It Made" #
# If Jesus payin' LeBron, I'm payin' Dwyane Wade #

Mercedes Jones: # Aah #

Noah Puckerman: # Three dice cee-lo, three card monte #
# Labor Day Parade, rest in peace, Bob Marley #
# Jigga I be Spik'd out #
# I could trip a referee #
# Tell by my attitude that I'm most definitely from #

New Directions: # New York #

Noah Puckerman: # Hey #

New Directions: # Concrete jungle where dreams are made of #
# There's nothin' you can't do #

Noah Puckerman: # That Brooklyn #

New Directions: # Now you're in New York #

Mercedes Jones: # You're in New York #

Noah Puckerman: # Welcome to the bright lights, baby #

New Directions: # These streets will make you feel brand new #
# Big lights will inspire you #
# Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York #

Rachel Berry: # Yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # One hand in the air for the big city #
# Street lights, big dreams, all lookin' pretty #
# No place in the world that could compare #
# Put your lighters in the air #

Boys of ND: # Everybody say "Yeah, yeah" #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #
# In New York #
# Concrete jungle where dreams are made of #
# There's nothing you can't do #
# Now you're in New York #

Mercedes Jones: # New York, New York #

New Directions: # These streets will make you feel brand new #

Mercedes Jones: # Brand new #

New Directions: # Big lights will inspire you #
# Let's hear it for New York #
# New York, New York #

Mercedes Jones: # New York, New York #

Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah. #

Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. Can I talk to you for a second?

Sue Sylvester: Sure, buddy. You look steamed.

Will Schuester: Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club was all about. And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet. "Buttface McBallnuts." "Ass-braham Lin-colon." They're not even funny!

Sue Sylvester: Now, don't be rude, William. I put a lot of thought into those. Consider this a wakeup call. You're worried about getting new recruits? Well, if Beiste get her way and our budgets are slashed, you'll be cutting kids left and right.

Will Schuester: You're right. I hadn't thought about that.

Sue Sylvester: Beiste needs to be stopped, and I need your help to topple her. You in?

Will Schuester: I'm in.

Finn Hudson: I was really excited about my Glee Club recruit poster design. I made it super masculine, just like these pamphlets I saw some Army guys passing out at a daycare center. Then, I heard something...

Sam Evans: # We both lie silent and still in the dead of the night #
# Although we lie close together #
# I feel like we're miles apart... #

Finn Hudson: It was this new transfer kid. I saw him tapping his foot when we busted it out in the courtyard the day before...

Sam Evans: # Every rose has its thorn #
# Just like every night has its dawn #

Finn Hudson: I would've joined in with a kick-ass harmony, but the dude was naked.

Sam Evans: # Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song... #

Rachel Berry: Oh, hello! I couldn't help but notice you admiring me yesterday in the courtyard.

Sunshine Corazon: Um, what?

Rachel Berry: Oh, you don't speak English. You like me sing! You like me sing very much!

Sunshine Corazon: Um, I totally speak English.

Rachel Berry: I even did a little research on you. You're a foreign exchange student named Sunshine Corazon because you're from the Philippines, where it's sunny every day.

Sunshine Corazon: Except for the monsoons.

Rachel Berry: Listen, Sunshine, we need chorus members; people to stand behind me and stare at me with wet, moved eyes while I sing solos. So I encourage you to audition for Glee Club! Glee Club is fun! Swaying in background can be fun!

Sunshine Corazon: Thank you.

Rachel Berry: Okay.

Sunshine Corazon: # Hello, hello, baby, you called, I can't hear a thing #
# I have got no service in the club, you say, say? #
# Wha-wha-what did you say? Oh, you're breaking up on me #
# Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy #

Rachel Berry: # K-kinda busy #

Sunshine Corazon: # K-kinda busy #

Rachel & Sunshine: # Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy #

Rachel Berry: # Just a second, it's my favorite song # They're gonna play #
# And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh? #
# You shoulda made some plans with me #
# You knew that I was free #
# And now you won't stop calling me, I'm kinda busy #

Sunshine Corazon: # Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna think anymore! #

Rachel Berry: # I left my head and my heart on the dance floor #

Sunshine Corazon: # Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna talk anymore! #

Rachel Berry: # I left my head and my heart on the dance floor #
# Stop telephoning me! #
# Stop telephoning me #
# I'm being... #

Sue Sylvester: Shut up!

Sunshine Corazon: Um. That was fun. I'd love to join your club. When are auditions?

Rachel Berry: Let me get back to you on that one. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?

Sunshine Corazon: Okay.

Finn Hudson: We're trying to recruit new members for Glee Club.

Shannon Beiste: The Panther isn't cool with anything except doing exactly what she says without question. That's how you win. Now, first things first. You're all cut. Everyone starts fresh with me. Tryouts start... right now. Any questions?

Pizza Guy: I got 25 everything pies for a Coach... Beiste?

Shannon Beiste: I didn't order any pizzas.

Will Schuester: Isn't this kind of immature?

Sue Sylvester: No, it's downright childish. But I know gals like Beiste. Oh, her high school life must have been miserable. She's oversized, humorless, refers to herself in the third person as an animal. This kind of abuse and teasing will bring back all those childhood memories. She'll be shaken to her core. Humiliated and devastated. She'll have no choice but to quit her job, and our budgets will be restored.

Will Schuester: Yes!

Pizza Guy: The boss says, uh, if you don't pay for 'em, I have to. Which means we have to reuse my kid's Pampers. For another week.

Shannon Beiste: Hand 'em out, Wayne Newton. All right, guys, it's a pizza party. Dig in. Everybody has to eat at least four slices. Let's go! And when you're done, full pads out on the field. We're doing wind sprints. And the first ten to puke are off the team. Hey, guys, um, there's pizza in there, if you want some.

Sue Sylvester: Thank you.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Artie Abrams: I figured that if Kurt's gay and he can do it, then why can't I?

Finn Hudson: Being gay isn't a handicap, Artie. How can you play football in a wheelchair, anyway?

Artie Abrams: I have to get on that team, Finn.

Finn Hudson: Dude, what's this about?

Artie Abrams: Tina. She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at... Asian Camp.

Artie Abrams: They were counselors, in charge of teaching all those tech-savvy Asian kids about the arts.

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Getting to know all about you #
# Getting to like you... #

Finn Hudson: So, what did Tina say when she broke up with you?

Tina Cohen-Chang: I think you're great, Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend. You ignored me for weeks this summer.

Artie Abrams: I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman.

Tina Cohen-Chang: And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.

Finn Hudson: Dude, I'm sympathetic for you; I just don't see you on the football team.

Artie Abrams: Imagine you were pushing me in this big hunk of metal down the field at full speed. The centrifugal force would be too much to stop. I'd be like a medieval battering ram.

Finn Hudson: Dude, you'd be like a human cannonball. That would be awesome!

Artie Abrams: So you'll help?

Finn Hudson: Sure. But you got to help me first. Hey, Sam. My name's Finn. This here is Artie.

Sam Evans: Yeah, I know who you are. You're the... the quarterback.

Finn Hudson: Exactly-- which makes me very cool. And we'd like to talk to you about Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: So, Sam, tell us about yourself.

Sam Evans: My name's Sam Evans. I like comic books, sports. I'm dyslexic, so my grades aren't that good, but... I'm working on it.

Noah Puckerman: Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?

Sam Evans: I don't... know. I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?

Finn Hudson: I like this kid.

Artie Abrams: I like his confidence, but the Bieber cut's gotta go.

Finn Hudson: Mm-hmm.

Noah Puckerman: So, can you sing with that big mouth?

Sam Evans: I've never really sung in front of anybody before.

Noah Puckerman: Dude, let me tell you, chicks dig singers.

Finn Hudson: Well, give it a shot. We'll back you up, I promise. What song you got in your back pocket?

Sam Evans: Um... "Billionaire"?
# I wanna be a billionaire #
# So freakin' bad #
# Buy all of the things I never had #
# I wanna be on the cover of #
# Forbes magazine #
# Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen #
# Oh, every time I close #
# My eyes #
# I see my name in shining lights #
# Yeah #
# A different city every night #
# Oh, I #
# I swear #
# The world better prepare #
# For when I'm a billionaire #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah, I would have a show like Oprah #
# I would be the host of #
# Every day Christmas #
# Give Artie a wish list #
# I'll probably pull a Angelina and Brad Pitt #
# And adopt a bunch of babies that ain't never had it #
# Give away a few Mercedes like, "Here, lady, have this" #
# And last but not least, grant somebody their last wish #
# It's been a couple months that I been single, so #
# You can call me Artie Claus, minus the ho-ho #
# Ha-ha! Get it? I'll probably visit where Katrina hit #
# And darn sure do a lot more than FEMA did #
# Yeah, can't forget about me, stupid #
# Everywhere I go, I'm-a have my own theme music #

Sam Evans: # Oh, every time I close my eyes #

Artie Abrams: # Uh, what you see, what you see, bruh? #

Sam Evans: # I see my name in shining lights #

Artie Abrams: # Uh-huh, uh-huh, and what else? #

Sam Evans: # Oh, yeah #
# A different city every night #
# Oh, I, I swear #

Artie Abrams: # Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah #

Sam Evans: # World better prepare #

Artie Abrams: # For what? #

Sam Evans: # For when I'm a billionaire #

Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # Oh! #

Sam Evans: # When I'm a billionaire #

Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # Sing it! #

Sam Evans: # When I'm a billionaire #

Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # Oh! #

Sam Evans: # I wanna be a billionaire #
# So freakin' bad. #
That-that was really cool!

Finn Hudson: Nice. So you think you can come back and do that in front of everybody?

Sam Evans: Sure.

Mercedes Jones: So, is that a men's sweater?

Kurt Hummel: Fashion has no gender.

Rachel Berry: Ladies, we have a problem. There's a new student at this school named Sunshine who is a Filipino and is shorter than me. Which I didn't think was possible and is very unnerving.

Mercedes Jones: Okay, so I'm gonna go now.

Rachel Berry: Wait! And... she has a remarkable voice. I'm just... I'm very worried. You know, not-not for myself, but for my lesser Glee Clubbers who don't get as many solos. So I've paid a hundred dollars to Azimio and Karofsky to brutally slushie us in front of Sunshine's locker, terrifying her and ensuring she doesn't sign up. Okay, so this is the part where you're supposed to be hugging me and thanking me.

Mercedes Jones: That's awful. You're awful.

Rachel Berry: But solos! I mean...

Kurt Hummel: Look, Rachel, Mercedes and I are about as self-involved as they come, but more than anything, we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline. And if there's someone at the school that can help us do that, they're in.

Rachel Berry: You know what? You're right. It's just... so like me to just be totally blinded by my concern for the two of you. I'll-I'll-I'll go talk to Sunshine now and just let her know how truly welcome she really is. Thanks.

Rachel Berry: Hi. So, here's the address for the audition tomorrow and helpful directions. Look forward to seeing you there.

Sunshine Corazon: Thanks.

Sue Sylvester: Beiste is on the move. Operation Mean Girl is a go. Move. Go! Disperse. Leave the Danish.

Shannon Beiste: Anyone sitting here?

Sue Sylvester: Yes. These seats are currently being occupied by my ghost friends.

Shannon Beiste: I beg your pardon?

Sue Sylvester: My ghost friends. Hideous, lonely faculty members who met with an early death from good old-fashioned schoolyard bullying. And you know why? They tried to cross me. So why don't you just keep on walking?

Shannon Beiste: Hi, Will. You... you mind if I sit here?

Will Schuester: Uh... sorry. Taken.

Shannon Beiste: How about there?

Will Schuester: Actually, they're all sort of taken. I am, uh, meeting with some... some science teachers.

Shannon Beiste: You think it's easy being a female football coach, being different? You think I don't get this everywhere I go? Everybody told me that Sue was the school bully and, uh... that you were really cool. I see they got that last part wrong, huh?

Noah Puckerman: So you know why Helen Keller couldn't drive, right?

Sam Evans: Why?

Noah Puckerman: 'Cause she was a woman. Coach Beiste? Are you crying?

Shannon Beiste: Yeah. Saw your stats from last season, and it really hurt my feelings.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Coach, uh, this is Artie. He'd like to try out for the team.

Shannon Beiste: You screwing with me?

Finn Hudson: No, no. Absolutely not. Uh, see we figured that if I push him down the field fast enough, the centrifugal...

Artie Abrams: Centrifugal.

Finn Hudson: Centrifugal force.

Shannon Beiste: You're out.

Finn Hudson: Wait. What?!

Shannon Beiste: You're off the team, cut, out! You come in here, pushing a kid in a wheelchair, making me look like some kind of monster because I have to tell him he can't play?

Finn Hudson: No. No, that's not what was going on here. Artie?

Artie Abrams: I really want to play. I want my girlfriend back, and I want abs.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, he's like a human battering ram, like, like, Braveheart.

Shannon Beiste: You know what? I don't like being screwed with! Do you understand me?

Finn Hudson: Dude, you're totally overreacting.

Shannon Beiste: Dude? Get the hell out of my locker room! Go! Think this is some joke? Go!

Sue Sylvester: Next! No way. Get out.

Quinn Fabray: Coach Sylvester, please hear me out.

Sue Sylvester: Nope. I trusted you, and you let me down. I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.

Quinn Fabray: I understand you had your confetti cannons taken away. Well, I'll bet there are quite a few church groups who would gladly give money to a squad who helped rehabilitate a girl who got pregnant and now speaks out for abstinence education while wearing a Cheerios uniform.

Sue Sylvester: Next!

Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh, Coach.

Will Schuester: Wait. You're serious? Finn?

Sue Sylvester: My eyes are still burning.

Finn Hudson: I'm Finn Hudson, and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios!

Snap: # I've got the power #
# Power #
# I've got the power #
# Power #

Becky Jackson: Am I dreaming?

Snap: # I've got the power... #

Becky Jackson: Is this happening?

Will Schuester: But... why?

Finn Hudson: Coach Beiste kicked me off the football team. I'm not the quarterback anymore, which... means I'm nothing. I miss being popular.

Becky Jackson: This is really embarrassing.

Finn Hudson: I have really great leadership skills, and, uh, I'm athletic, so I could help with the lifts and stuff. I hope you'll consider me.

Will Schuester: Why would he get kicked off the football team? Finn was just trying to help out his handicapable friend!

Shannon Beiste: He was insubordinate twice. I'm the captain of the USS Kick Ass, not the USS Back Talk.

Finn Hudson: Please, Coach, don't do this to me. I need football. It's who I am.

Shannon Beiste: I thought you were the Glee guy. I mean, what with all the sign-up sheets you put in my locker room.

Will Schuester: Finn is a really good kid. Give him a chance to show you.

Shannon Beiste: You mean don't make a snap judgment about him? Don't make his life miserable because I assume he's a certain way?

Will Schuester: Okay, I get it. This is about me. I haven't been very welcoming, but please, please, don't take this out on Finn.

Shannon Beiste: Am I through here, Principal Figgins?

Principal Figgins: Mm-hmm.

Sue Sylvester: A little bird told me that someone spent her summer vacation getting a brand-new set of melons, even though you know I have a very strict no plastics policy in Cheerios! Care to comment?

Santana Lopez: I just...

Sue Sylvester: What would possess a person your age to get a boob job? You don't even know what your body's going to look like. It's an insult to nature and completely distracting. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm actually talking to them right now.

Santana Lopez: I wanted people to notice me more. I don't get what the big deal is.

Sue Sylvester: Well, the big deal is that a person who has to pump her nonnies full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self-esteem to be my head cheerleader. Quinn will replace you.

Santana Lopez: What did...?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office.

Santana Lopez: You did this to me. You told Coach Sylvester about my summer surgery!

Quinn Fabray: You have a surgery when you get your appendix out. You got a boob job.

Santana Lopez: Yup, sure did.

Quinn Fabray: You can't hit me.

Santana Lopez: Oh, sure I can, unless you got yourself knocked up again, slut.

Brittany S. Pierce: Stop the violence.

Will Schuester: Hey, hey, what is this?!

Quinn Fabray: Stop it.

Will Schuester: What happened to us being a family? Hey.

Santana Lopez: Oh, please.

Quinn Fabray: Stop that.

Santana Lopez: She has a family. She's a mother.

Quinn Fabray: Walk away.

Will Schuester: Hey!

Quinn Fabray: And tighten up your pony before you get to class!

Rachel Berry: Well, hate to break it to you, but it doesn't look like anyone's gonna be joining us, so I think we should just call it a day.

Will Schuester: We said 3:00 to 5:00. It's only 4:58.

Finn Hudson: Just wait. My buddy Sam's gonna try out. He totally idolizes me.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, face it, Finn. You're no longer the quarterback. You're not the Pied Piper anymore. No one's gonna follow you around thinking everything you do is cool.

Mercedes Jones: What about that Sunshine girl? I thought you said she could sing.

Rachel Berry: I guess she didn't want to hang out with us losers.

Principal Figgins: Show us on the doll where Coach Beiste touched you.

Brittany S. Pierce: Here and here.

Shannon Beiste: This is outrageous.

Sue Sylvester: I'll say. Anyone who would prey on someone as sweet and simple as poor, poor Brittany deserves everything that's coming to her. I suggest immediate termination and entry into the statewide sex offender database.

Will Schuester: Sorry I'm late. What's going on?

Sue Sylvester: Brittany here has accused Coach Beiste of inappropriate touching.

Will Schuester: What?! Brittany, that's a serious accusation.

Sue Sylvester: It's very serious.

Will Schuester: Brittany, what you're saying could ruin somebody's life. It's really important that you tell the truth here.

Brittany S. Pierce: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.

Shannon Beiste: If you're all done wasting my time, I have a football team to coach.

Will Schuester: Coach...

Sue Sylvester: You're weak, Will!

Will Schuester: You know what, Sue?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Mr. Schue? Can we talk to you? It's kind of important.

Will Schuester: Tell me this isn't true, Rachel.

Tina Cohen-Chang: She could have died.

Rachel Berry: I didn't send her to an active crack house. Besides, how did you guys find out anyways?

Mike Chang: The Asian community is very tight.

Will Schuester: I just don't get it. You're better than this.

Tina Cohen-Chang: No, she's an ambitious little freak who will do anything to hold on to her power.

Rachel Berry: I just... I... I love you guys so much. I was wrong before. I don't want any new members. I didn't want anyone coming in and-and messing up our group dynamic. Tina, Mike, I mean, what if Sunshine can dance? Then your contributions to Glee will be even more insignificant than they already are now. I did this for you guys.

Will Schuester: Whatever your motivations, you need to make this right, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry for sending you to that crack house.

Sunshine Corazon: They stole my sheet music and used it for toilet paper.

Rachel Berry: Look, I'll buy you a new set. You can just, um, come pick it up at the auditorium at 4:00 tomorrow.

Sunshine Corazon: Hi, I'm Sunshine Corazon, and I'll be singing "Listen" from the movie Dreamgirls.

Rachel Berry: Broadway show first.

Mike Chang: Shh...

Artie Abrams: Shut up.

Sunshine Corazon: # Listen #
# To the song here in my heart #
# A melody I start #
# But can't complete #
# Listen #
# To the sound from deep within #
# It's only beginning #
# To find release #
# Oh, the time has come #
# For my dreams to be heard #
# They will not be pushed aside and turned #
# Into your own #
# All 'cause you won't listen #
# Listen #
# I am alone at the crossroads #
# I'm not at home in my own home #
# And I've tried and tried #
# To say what's on my mind #
# You should have known #
# Oh, now I'm done believin' you #
# You don't know what I'm feelin' #
# I'm more than what you made of me #
# I followed the voice you gave to me #
# But now I gotta find my own #
# I don't know where I belong #
# But I'll be movin' on #
# If you don't #
# If you won't #
# Listen #
# To the song here in my heart #
# A melody I start #
# But I will complete #
# Oh #
# Now I'm done believin' you #
# You don't know what I'm feelin' #
# I'm more than what you made of me #
# I followed the voice you think you gave to me #
# But now I gotta find #
# My own... #
# My own. #

Mercedes Jones: Bravo!

Will Schuester: Wow. Um... Welcome to the Glee Club.

Sunshine Corazon: Thank you.

Will Schuester: Do you mind if I join you? Okay. Look, I really owe you an apology. I guess I kicked this year off thinking that all of us in the Glee Club weren't outcasts anymore, and I thought we'd be turning kids away. And then when no one signed up for the club, I realized that we were still at the bottom... outsiders. And that's how I made you feel. I'm sorry.

Shannon Beiste: Thank you.

Sue Sylvester: William, Beiste, I wanted to make a peace offering with a batch of warm, homemade cookies.

Shannon Beiste: Oh, those smell like dog poop. Are those dog poop cookies?

Sue Sylvester: No, that's the flaxseed oil you're smelling. These are heart-healthy cookies for some of our burlier Americans.

Will Schuester: Sue, we're not going to do this anymore.

Sue Sylvester: Are you turning on me in public? The two of you are making a very serious mistake today, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.

Finn Hudson: Hey, man, uh, why didn't you show at the audition?

Sam Evans: I wanted to, I did, but after what Coach Beiste did to you... Do you know how everybody talks about you Glee guys?

Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah, you get used to all that.

Sam Evans: Finn, I'm, I'm the new guy. That means I'm already on the outside looking in. I don't want to start off three touchdowns behind. I got to go. Coach Beiste makes us do a hundred push-ups for every minute we're late, so...

Finn Hudson: Yeah, you made the team, that's cool. Uh, what position?

Sam Evans: Quarterback.

Will Schuester: Excuse me, Sunshine. Hi, I'd like to officially welcome you aboard and give you our Glee Club fall rehearsal schedule.

Dustin Goolsby: She won't be joining your Glee Club.

Will Schuester: Oh, are you her dad?

Dustin Goolsby: Her director. Dustin Goolsby, new coach of Vocal Adrenaline.

Sunshine Corazon: Oh, and they gave me and my mom a condo and a green card.

Will Schuester: How did you even find out about her?

Sue Sylvester: Hey, Will, I went ahead and made that phone call. Should have gone along with the poop cookies.

Sunshine Corazon: I actually would have stayed here, but I think Rachel would have made my life a living hell. I just didn't trust her after she sent me to a crack house. Not cool. It was nice to meet you.

Rachel Berry: What did they say?

Finn Hudson: Well, I talked 'em out of giving you a "code red." They were pissed, and they had the right to be. What you did was bad, Rachel. We could have used Sunshine to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now they're just that much stronger.

Rachel Berry: Just do it already.

Finn Hudson: What?

Rachel Berry: Break up with me. Okay, we both knew it was just a matter of time.

Finn Hudson: I think you're forgetting I'm not the quarterback anymore. I'm just another Glee loser now. Fact is, you should be breaking up with me.

Rachel Berry: I'll never break up with you.

Finn Hudson: Me, neither.

Rachel Berry: I did it for the team, you know. I just, I-I love everybody so much, I didn't want anyone else coming in and interfering.

Finn Hudson: You got to stop saying that, Rachel. I care about you and everything, but you got to admit the truth. You didn't do this because you love Glee Club. You did it because you love yourself more.

Rachel Berry: Okay. I didn't want anyone else hogging my spotlight. Okay, I love it too much to let it go that easy. Do you think that they'll ever forgive me?

Finn Hudson: They'll come around. I think apologizing would be a good start. Where are you going?

Rachel Berry: The auditorium. I just need some alone time first.
# Kiss today good-bye #
# The sweetness and the sorrow #
# Wish me luck #
# The same to you #
# But I can't regret #
# What I did for love #
# What I did for love #
# Look, my eyes #
# Are dry #
# The gift was ours #
# To borrow #
# Oh, it's as if we always #
# Knew #
# And I won't forget #
# What I did for love #
# What I did for love #
# Gone #
# Love is #
# Never gone #
# As we travel #
# On #
# Love's what we'll remember #
# Kiss today #
# Good-bye #
# And point me toward #
# Tomorrow #
# Oh, we did what #
# We had to do... #
# Oh, won't forget, can't regret #
# What I did for #
# Love #
# What I did for #
# Love #
# What I did #
# For #
# Love. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Emma had a crush on Will, but Will was married; then Will had a crush on Emma, so he got a divorce and he kissed her, but now she's dating some dude named Carl.

Emma Pillsbury: He's my dentist.

Ian Brennan: It's a total bummer. Tina told Artie to take a hike...

Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a terrible boyfriend.

Ian Brennan: ...and then she got the hots for Mike Chang.

Artie Abrams: I want abs.

Ian Brennan: So much drama! And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?

Brittany S. Pierce: He discovered America.

Will Schuester: Close. He did write an iconic chart topper-- "Sailing."

Kurt Hummel: I have a bad feeling about this lesson.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Never heard of him, don't want to hear about him.

Will Schuester: Now some people think of the term "Easy Listening" as a bad thing. But I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones-- and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled, and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience, it can let them come to you.

Finn Hudson: How could you get caught between the moon and New York City? They're like a hundred miles apart.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue? If I may. I think I speak for all of us when I say it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth Adult Contemporary, it's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swell to over five members. The ardent demand: that this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club performs a number by... wait for it... Ms. Britney Spears.

Artie Abrams: Spears, Spears, yeah.

Will Schuester: Sorry, Kurt, Kurt, sorry. No, no, no. I don't think she's a very good role model.

Rachel Berry: But, Mr. Schue, we kind of grew of up with her.

Tina Cohen-Chang: She's literally why I wanted to become a peormer.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't want to do Britney.

Kurt Hummel: Why no Britney, Brittany?

Brittany S. Pierce: Because my name is also Brittany Spears.

Will Schuester: What?!

Mercedes Jones: What the hell is she talking about?

Brittany S. Pierce: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. "Brittany Spierce." I've lived my entire life in Britney Spear's shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.

Will Schuester: Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided-- no Britney. Sorry.

Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot.

Santana Lopez: Leave Brittany alone.

Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road.

Rachel Berry: Um, can we move on?

Will Schuester: Yes. Let's talk about Michael Bolton.

Emma Pillsbury: I know that Britney's had some issues in the past, but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together. I mean, sn't she had, what, like, three number-one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids. I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth.

Will Schuester: I can't...

Emma Pillsbury: See, that's your problem, Will you're too uptight.

Will Schuester: Oh, you're calling me uptight?

Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.

Will Schuester: The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?

Emma Pillsbury: I admit I have had some control issues in the past, but Carl's been helping me with all of that.

Will Schuester: Really?

Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.

Will Schuester: Wow. Um, like how?

Emma Pillsbury: Um, so, the other day, he made me buy the green grapes and the red grapes at the market. And then we just mix them together in a bowl and we just ate them. It was madness. Sheer madness.

Will Schuester: Wow.

Emma Pillsbury: You know what, that's fine. Make fun all you want, but it's a start, and I am incredibly grateful for it.

Carl Howell: Hey, now. Am I interrupting?

Emma Pillsbury: Carl, no. Hi. What are you doing here?

Carl Howell: I thought I'd surprise you and take you to lunch. Oh, I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine. Adorable. And you must be Will. Emma told me you're the cutest guy in school. Will, you grind your teeth?

Will Schuester: I... I don't think so.

Carl Howell: Damn it.

Emma Pillsbury: What? What's wrong?

Carl Howell: Another teenager needs a root canal. I swear, not one student in this school is going to have their teeth by the time they're 30. Oh, the sugar kids eat today.

Emma Pillsbury: Carl has been trying to get the school board to let him come and do a seminar on good dental hygiene, but they've been dragging their feet.

Will Schuester: Why don't you come talk to Glee Club.

Carl Howell: Well, that would be a dream, Will.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, Will, that would be amazing.

Will Schuester: I'm usually pretty tight about our rehearsal schedule, but I think I can loosen the reins a bit for Carl. The kids can't sing without teeth, right?

Carl Howell: No. They'd be... they wouldn't be singing. They'd be gumming. Muh-muh-muh-muh...

Dave Karofsky: Gimme this jacket!

Finn Hudson: Hey, give me that back! I earned that!

Azimio Adams: This jacket belongs to people who are actually on the team. But you know what? We're going to restyle it to represent the obvious duality in your sexuality. Oh, you're trying to swing at me?

Dave Karofsky: Swing, huh? Come on, swing at me.

Azimio Adams: Come on!

Dave Karofsky: Come on!

Azimio Adams: Come on, let's go!

Artie Abrams: Sorry to interrupt. I'm actually glad you're here to see this. Finn, I just wanted to apologize for getting you kicked off the football team. I just hope there's no hard feelings. So what are you guys talking about?

Dave Karofsky: Dude, take him.

Azimio Adams: This wheelchair kid is in the way, man-- what if I knock him over or something?

Dave Karofsky: There's something not right about hitting a kid in a wheelchair.

Azimio Adams: You know, the only thing that's saving you right now is my moral code. I don't hit crippled people. But I'll be back. We're gonna be back.

Carl Howell: All right, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule. Now if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue.

Santana Lopez: Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?

Carl Howell: I get that all the time.

Santana Lopez: No, like, seriously, you can totally drill me whenever...

Emma Pillsbury: Santana. Okay, let's stay focused.

Carl Howell: Rock n' roll, Emms. And besides, this guy... now this guy's pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? And you know what? No matter how hard I tried, I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him.

Will Schuester: Uh, probably not.

Carl Howell: All right, let's take a look at those chompers, huh?

Kurt Hummel: Before we chew, I would just like to alert Mr. Schue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign.

Will Schuester: Sorry. The answer's still no. Capsules, guys.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes, chew away. Chew, chew.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God!

Rachel Berry: What? Aw!

Finn Hudson: It's okay, baby.

Rachel Berry: I don't understand. I floss between classes.

Carl Howell: Well, sometimes it's genetics.

Artie Abrams: I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.

Santana Lopez: There you go, blue tooth.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.

Carl Howell: I got this, Em. With some deep bleaching or scaling, you'll be as good as new. All right, open up. Nah, close. Close again.

Brittany S. Pierce: This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.

Carl Howell: So, Brittany, you, uh, you have the the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. This has got to be some sort of record.

Brittany S. Pierce: Please don't pull all my teeth. My smile will look like an adult baby butt with boobs.

Carl Howell: All right, I'm going to put you under with a little general anesthesia. You won't feel a thing.

Brittany S. Pierce: Like roofies?

Carl Howell: Yeah, totally. I'll put on Pandora... and you just relax.

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, no, not Britney.
# All you people look at me like I'm a little girl #
# Well, did you ever think it'd be okay #
# For me to step into this world? #
# Always saying little girl don't step into the club #
# Well, I'm just trying to find out why #
# 'Cause dancing's what I love #
# Now watch me #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it, ooh #
# Get it, get it, do you like it? #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it #
# It just feels good #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# I cannot help it #
# I cannot control it #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# I won't deny it #
# I'm not trying to hide it #
# I know I may come off quiet #
# I may come off shy #
# But I feel like tking, feel like dancing #
# When I see this guy #
# What's practical is logical #
# What the hell who cares? #
# All I know is I'm so happy #
# When you're dancing there #
# Bab don't you wanna dance upon me? #
# I just want to dance next to you #
# At another time and place #
# Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance upon me? #
# Are you ready? #
# Leaving behind my name and date #
# Let's go #
# "Get it, get it, get it, get it, ooh #
# Get it, get it, whoa #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it #
# Oh #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# Here we go now #
# Here we go now #
# I cannot help it #
# I cannot control it #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# Here we go #
# I won't deny it #
# I'm not trying to hide it #
# Yeah, like that. #

Carl Howell: Brittany? Brittany, wake up. All right, you're going to feel a little nauseous.

Brittany S. Pierce: I petted a snake.

Carl Howell: Mm. Rock on. I'm going to have to see you tomorrow. You have 68 cavities. I couldn't get 'em all today.

Brittany S. Pierce: Can I have a blue toothbrush?

Carl Howell: I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Are you a cat?

Rachel Berry: You all right? You seem a little down. Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, it was awesome. It's just-- how do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?

Rachel Berry: I'm actually kind of happy about it. That I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. I'm just so not cool now, you know.

Rachel Berry: Well, it's just less of a chance of you running off with some cheerleader.

Finn Hudson: Wait, so you want me to feel bad about myself?

Rachel Berry: No, I just... I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good. I'm just trying to be honest.

Santana Lopez: Hey, dwarf, anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch a Predator?

Brittany S. Pierce: Also, I'm more talented than you.

Rachel Berry: You could have defended me.

Finn Hudson: Well, Santana has a point. Just trying to be honest.

Carl Howell: So, Santana, I'm loong at your charts and your X-rays. Your teeth are perfect.

Santana Lopez: That's right.

Carl Howell: Well, I can't just put you under. Anesthesia isn't something to joke about. It's serious.

Santana Lopez: Okay, listen, my dad's a doctor. And not a "tooth doctor," a real one. He, like, went to college or something. Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grill, 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's totally cool.

Carl Howell: Hmm, okay, I guess I can give you a super strong bleaching.

Santana Lopez: Hmm.

Carl Howell: Can I turn the radio on?

Brittany & Santana: We've got it covered.
# All my people in the crowd, grab a partner, take it down #

Brittany S. Pierce: # It's me against the music #

Santana Lopez: # uh-huh #
# It's just me #

Santana Lopez: # And me #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Yeah #

Santana Lopez: # Come on #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Huh! Ah! #

Santana Lopez: # Hey, Brittany #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Are you ready? #

Santana Lopez: # Uh-huh #
# Are you? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Ooh... #

Santana Lopez: # And no one cares #

Brittany S. Pierce: # It's flipping my hair #
# It's pulling my waist #

Santana Lopez: # To hell with stares #

Brittany S. Pierce: # The sweat is dripping all over my face #

Santana Lopez: # And no one's there #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm the only one dancing up in this place #
# It's just me #

Santana Lopez: # Tonight I'm here #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Feel the beat of the drum, gotta get with that bass #
# I'm up against the speaker trying to take on the music #
# It's like a competition, me against the beat #
# I want to get in the zone #
# I want to get in the zone, I want to get in the zone #
# If you really want to battle #
# Saddle up and get your rhythm #
# Trying to hit it chic-a-tah in the middle #
# I'm a take a you on, I'm a take a you on #
# I'm a take a you on #
# Hey, hey, hey #

Brittany & Santana: # All my people on the floor, let me see you dance #
# Let me see ya #
# All my people wanting more, let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people round a r, let me see you dance #
# Let me see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# Get on the floor #
# Baby, lose control, yeah #
# Just work your body and let it go #
# Let it go #
# If you wanna party, just grab somebody #
# Hey, Brittany, we can dance all night long #

Santana Lopez: # Hey Brittany, you say you wanna lose control #
# Come over here I got somethin' to show ya #
# Sexy lady, I'd rather see you bare your soul #
# Yeah, you think you're so hot, better show me what you got #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# Come on, Brittany, lose control #
# Watch you take it down #
# Get down #

Brittany & Santana: # Get on the floor, baby, lose control #
# Just work your body and let it go #
# If you want to party, just grab somebody #
# Hey, Brittany, we can dance all night long #
# All my people on the floor, say let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, say let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# Come on, Brittany, lose control #
# Watch you take it down. #

Brittany S. Pierce: You're really hot.

Britney Spears: You're sweet.

Brittany S. Pierce: And your breath smells really good.

Britney Spears: So does yours, and you know why? Because this is a fantasy.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wow.

Will Schuester: ...making Christopher Cross a Golden Globe, Oscar, and five-time Grammy Award winner. Brittany.

Brittany S. Pierce: I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.

Will Schuester: What?

Brittany S. Pierce: When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.

Santana Lopez: I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined. That doesn't make any sense.

Kurt Hummel: See, Mr. Schue? I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.

Will Schuester: Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, you're letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears is pop culture! To suggest otherwise is heretical!

Will Schuester: Kurt, I'm done talking about this!

Kurt Hummel: Geez! Let loose a little, would you?! Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!

Will Schuester: Kurt... I'll see you in the Principal's office.

Carl & Will: Ah... Ah...

Carl Howell: All right. Evidence of some grinding. I'll set you up with a night guard.

Will Schuester: Fantastic. Happy to do it.

Carl Howell: All right, can we stop this right now?

Will Schuester: What?

Carl Howell: Well, this is clearly awkward for the two of us. All right, let's talk it out, bro-to-bro.

Will Schuester: Fine. Bro. I still have feelings for Emma; strong feelings.

Carl Howell: So do I. The difference is she chose me. I don't know what's gonna happen with Emma and I, but I do ask is that you back off until we figure it out.

Will Schuester: What if I tell you that I don't think I could do that? Rinse.

Carl Howell: Will, put yourself in my shoes. I mean, say it doesn't work out between the two of us, and she chooses to go back to you. How would you feel if I continue to come after her?

Will Schuester: Okay, fine. I'll back off. But the second she starts leaning my way, I am back in. Deal?

Carl Howell: Deal. Now open back up. I want to continue this examination.

Will Schuester: Ah...

Carl Howell: No more "ah's".

Will Schuester: Oh.

Carl Howell: You know what? I got just the thing for you.

Will Schuester: Candy?

Carl Howell: You gotta loosen up and bang, bro. I mean, you're grinding those beautiful little teeth down to nubs. You know, I honestly think that's why you and Emma didn't work out. There's not an impulsive bone between the two of you.

Will Schuester: And you think eating candy is gonna change that?

Carl Howell: You gotta get ridiculous, bro. You gotta just start doing things that feel good for no good reason. You know, I used to get up at the same time ever day and have the same eggs. Then, one day, I'm driving the hybrid to work, I pass a Chevy dealership. The new Corvettes had just come in, so I stopped right on the spot, I make a U-turn and I buy one. Now I take the top down, take Emma for a spin, she doesn't even care if her hair gets messed up. You follow me?

Will Schuester: Hey, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Hey, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?

Rachel Berry: No, I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading The Unauthorized Biography of Britney Spears to stay calm. I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them. Are you okay? Did you have a cavity or something? Is that candy?

Will Schuester: I'm fine. Good luck.

Rachel Berry: # Oh, baby, baby... #
# Oh, baby, baby... #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# How was I supposed to know #
# That something wasn't right? Yeah #
# Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn't have let you go #
# And now you're out of sight, yeah #
# Show me how you want it to be #
# Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know now #
# Just because my loneliness is killing me, and I... #
# I must confess I still believe #
# Still believe #
# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind #
# Give me a sign! #
# Hit me, baby, one more time! #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Yeah, hey, oh, baby, baby #
# Yeah, hey, yeah #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# How was I supposed to know? #
# Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go #
# I must confess #
# That my loneliness is killing me now #
# Don't you know I still believe? #
# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind #
# Give me a sign #
# Hit me, baby, one more time. #

Carl Howell: Rachel? Rachel, wake up. You Glee kids are impossible to work on. You're always moving around when you're under.

Rachel Berry: Is this real life?

Finn Hudson: Hey, take my hoodie. You look cold.

Rachel Berry: It's okay, I'm... Wait, you mean you don't like my new look?

Finn Hudson: Don't you think it's a bit much? I mean, I think that guy just broke up with his girlfriend just so he could stare at you.

Rachel Berry: I'm just doing what you told me. Besides, it's not like when I went all sad clown hooker and put on that ridiculous Grease cat suit. This is just like my regular look with the volume turned up.

Azimio Adams: Ooh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on.

Dave Karofsky: How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?

Finn Hudson: You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you.

Rachel Berry: Objectifying.

Finn Hudson: Whatever! Just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team, but it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweater?

Rachel Berry: Look, I see your point. In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other. So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team... if you can.

Brittany S. Pierce: It looks like a Jewish cloud.

Jacob Ben Israel: What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house. Wanky, wanky!

Emma Pillsbury: I kinda liked your old car.

Will Schuester: That car was a metaphor for everything that was wrong with my life, my fear of change. That dragging muffler was like the chains of Marley's Ghost. Now they're gone and I feel like a free man!

Emma Pillsbury: By buying the same car as Carl?

Will Schuester: His didn't have heated seats. Oh, come on, Emma, I'm just doing everything you said I should do. I'm loosening up, and I feel amazing! Let's take her for a spin. Oh, this is my jam!
# Well, it's not that far to paradise #
# At least it's not for me #
# And if the wind is right, we can sail away #
# And find tranquility #

Terri Del Monico: Get out of the car!

Will Schuester: Watch this.

Terri Del Monico: I'm taking this back to the dealer. Oh, hey, home wrecker!

Will Schuester: Do I have to remind you that we are divorced?!

Terri Del Monico: I am reminded every month when I get my spousal support check! The one that I know you can't send me if you're buying a car that you can't afford!

Will Schuester: Emma.

Terri Del Monico: You know what? Actually... I think you should keep this car. You should enjoy it, you know, at leastntil they repossess it. But just don't buy any more big-ticket items, okay?

Will Schuester: Why is that?

Terri Del Monico: Because someday you are going to come to your senses, Will, and you're going to get over that little Miss Crazypants, and you're going to come back to the one woman who really knows how to love you. And I just don't want you to have blown all of our savings when you do.

Will Schuester: Damn!

Santana Lopez: Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look. Yay.

Rachel Berry: Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all.

Will Schuester: Wait. Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently.

Artie Abrams: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...

Finn Hudson: Hey, hey.

Rachel Berry: Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before. Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and again. And maybe it's a good thing.

Brittany S. Pierce: It's such a good thing. I can't believe it.

Sue Sylvester: William, a word.

Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.

Sue Sylvester: I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records-- you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... horror!

Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?

Rachel Berry: Thank you.

Jacob Ben Israel: Can I put some clothes on, please?

Sue Sylvester: No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.

Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was titillated.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, dear God, please don't ever say that word again.

Jacob Ben Israel: Can I go now, please? You gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.

Will Schuester: That is really gross, Sue, but they're kids. Hormones.

Sue Sylvester: William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand-new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a midlife crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.

Will Schuester: What's your point, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop-culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world. Wait just a second, now. You look more confused than ever. Is your Glee Club doing Britney Spears music? Is that why Rachel was wearing that inappropriate outfit?

Will Schuester: No. No, we are not doing Britney.

Sue Sylvester: Okay. Just checking.

Britney Spears: I'm serious-- you should put ranch dressing on it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: On pizza?

Britney Spears: Yeah, it's delicious. You should try it.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm 100% in love with you right now.

Artie Abrams: Hey, Britney.

Britney Spears: Oh, hey, Artie. Girl, you are such a fool for breaking up with such a sweetheart.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I know, Britney. Artie, I'm sorry.

Artie Abrams: And I'm stronger.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm serious. You're hot.

Artie Abrams: # Ooh, hey, yeah #
# Hush, just stop #
# There's nothing you can do or say #
# Baby #
# I've had enough #
# I'm not your property as from today #
# Baby #
# You might think that I #
# Won't make it on my own #
# But now I'm stronger #
# Than yesterday #
# Now it's nothing but my way #
# My loneliness #
# Ain't killing me no more #
# I am stronger #
# Oh, yeah #
# Here I go on my own #
# I don't need nobody, better off alone #
# Here I go on my own now #
# I don't need nobody, not anybody #
# Here I go... #
# Here I go #
# Stronger than yesterday #
# It's nothing but my way #
# My loneliness #
# Ain't killing me no more #
# No more #
# I am stronger. #
Mmm, Britney.

Artie Abrams: What are you doing?

Finn Hudson: Oh. I'm, uh, going to run some laps. Gonna get back in shape and back on the team.

Artie Abrams: That's what I came here to talk to you about. I want on the team, too. Every day, Tina and Mike's Asian fusion grows stronger.

Finn Hudson: Look, I want to help you, dude, but... kind of need to take care of myself right now. I'm sorry.

Artie Abrams: I had a vision at the dentist. You and I were out on the field with the team, playing football. We were unstoppable. I just know that if we can show what I can do to Coach Beiste, she'd put me on the team.

Shannon Beiste: Show me what?

Artie Abrams: I... I wanted to ask you to reconsider putting me on the football team.

Finn Hudson: I'm not with him on this one.

Shannon Beiste: Well, you should be. I need you to help him get his uniform.

Finn Hudson: What?

Shannon Beiste: Well, don't just stare at me like a donkey with a wooden leg. Go see the equipment manager, and you boys get out on the field. Practice starts in five minutes.

Finn Hudson: Thanks, Coach. We won't let you down.

Shannon Beiste: Well, come on. Go!

Finn Hudson: Those are on backwards.

Quinn Fabray: I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work.

Brittany S. Pierce: Did you get a leg transplant?

Artie Abrams: Nope. My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, there's no rules against it. We checked.

Artie Abrams: And I have Britney Spears to thank.

Brittany S. Pierce: You're welcome.

Artie Abrams: Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea, and it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team.

Rachel Berry: Wait. You're back on the football team?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Santana Lopez: Suddenly, you're way hotter to me. Weird.

Noah Puckerman: Wait. I don't get it. How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?

Artie Abrams: The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams, often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys, listen up.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may?

Will Schuester: Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about, and I know what you're going to say. The answer is no. No, I'm not going to stand in the way anymore. If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it. I know. Oh... And more than that, I am going to perform with you. Right?

Rachel Berry: I always thought the boys' locker room would be all sexy, but actually, it smells like feet in here.

Finn Hudson: Oh, Rachel, you can't be in here. You changed back to your old clothes.

Rachel Berry: I just want you to know that I heard everything that you said and that I respect your needs, and I'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.

Finn Hudson: Cool. Well, thanks. I gotta go.

Rachel Berry: Wait... I mean... d-don't you want to make me feel safe and happy, too?

Finn Hudson: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure. Wait. Wait. Do you want me to quit football?

Rachel Berry: Look, how am I supposed to trust that you're not just going to stray again? Remember your little fling with Brittany and Santana? I do... all right? Let's face it, Finn-- the only way that this relationship is going to work is if we're both losers.

Finn Hudson: Okay. Come here. This is how it's gonna happen: I'm going to be quarterback again, then I'm going to throw a touchdown in our first game, and then point to you in the stands so that everybody in the school knows you're my girlfriend. All right?

Rachel Berry: That's very romantic, but... I don't know.

Finn Hudson: Rachel, you can't ask me to choose between you and football.

Rachel Berry: Well, I am.

Emma Pillsbury: You need to sit where you can be seen. Why don't you sit at the top and wave your big, foamy finger? Yeah? Up there. It's so, so exciting!

Will Schuester: You know, I can get you backstage if you want.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, hey.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: You're all dressed up. You look like a cast member of Kids Incorporated.

Will Schuester: Well, I really want to loosen up a bit, so I'm, uh, helping the kids do Britney. Outrageous, right?

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.

Will Schuester: Oh. Showtime.

Sue Sylvester: Sit down! There's nothing to stand up and cheer about.

Becky Jackson: Hey, Coach! The glee club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly. I just found out.

Sue Sylvester: Becky, you're on red alert. If you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.

Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.

Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up-to-date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to our homecoming pep assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment, the dulcimer club is on hiatus until further notice. But do we ever have a treat for you. Fresh off their last place finish at the Regionals, please give it up for the New Directions!

Brittany S. Pierce: # Baby, can't you see #
# I'm calling #
# A guy like you #
# Should wear a warning #

Rachel & Brittany: # You're dangerous #
# I'm loving it #

Jacob Ben Israel: I love Britney Spears!

Will & Brittany: # Too high #
# Can't come down #
# Losing my head, spinning round and round #
# O Oh, do you feel me now? #

New Directions: # With a taste of your lips #
# I'm on a ride #

Lauren Zizes: I want to be that hat!

New Directions: # You're toxic, I'm slipping under #
# With a taste of a poison paradise #
# I'm addicted to you #
# Don't you know that you're toxic? #
# And I love what you do #
# Don't you know that you're toxic? #

Jacob Ben Israel: Take it off! Yes!

Rachel, Brittany & Will: # It's getting late #
# To give you up #
# I took a sip #
# From my devil's cup #
# Slowly it's taking over me #

Will & Brittany: # Too high #
# Can't come down #
# It's in the air #

Lauren Zizes: Mr. Schue, let me be your Britney!

Will & Brittany: # And it's all around #
# Oh, can you feel me now? #

Will Schuester: # Oh #

New Directions: # With a taste of your lips #
# I'm on a ride #

Santana Lopez: # On a ride #

New Directions: # You're toxic, I'm slipping under #

Jacob Ben Israel: Oh!

New Directions: # With a taste of a poison paradise #
# I'm addicted to you #

Jacob Ben Israel: It's so sexy! It's so...!

New Directions: # Don't you know that you're toxic? #
# I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? #

Lauren Zizes: Mr. Schue, I want youbabies!

New Directions: # Intoxicate me now #

Jacob Ben Israel: Don't stop doing that! Don't stop doing that! Yes! Yes!

New Directions: # I think I'm ready now #
# Intoxicate me now #
# With your loving now #
# I think I'm ready #

Santana Lopez: # I think I'm ready now. #

Jacob Ben Israel: Uh-oh.

Sue Sylvester: It's a Britney Spears sex riot. Run the other way!

Will Schuester: How you doing, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Not sure if you heard, William, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot.

Will Schuester: Sue, you pulled the alarm. Everything was going fine!

Sue Sylvester: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon. And when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming "sex party" into the microphones of all three major networks.

Will Schuester: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.

Sue Sylvester: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer-- Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. And I'll see you in court.

Will Schuester: Emma... Look, what I did was a little weird. I know that. It was inappropriate for me to do Britney with the kids. I just thought you wanted me to be less uptight.

Emma Pillsbury: Will, I just wanted you to relax. You know, not stop being you. I know you're frustrated. You know, Terri's still on your case, you lost at regionals, Glee's still the bottom pickle in the barrel...

Will Schuester: You and Carl.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Me and Carl. Especially me and Carl. Look, have you ever noticed that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the world. She's got to rein it in, just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. No, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing.

Will Schuester: Because the boring someone I already am... wasn't good enough for you.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey, where you going?

Will Schuester: To return that car.

Finn Hudson: U.S. History... Crap, I forgot I was taking that.

Quinn Fabray: Congrats, Finn. You're back on the team, I'm head cheerleader again. Some kind of symmetry, don't you think? With all the nastiness between you and I behind us, I think we should be together. We'd be a shoo-in for Homecoming king and queen. So what do you say? You and me, 8:00, Breadstix?

Finn Hudson: Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you. Probably always will. But I'm not gonna get back together with you. There's someone else, and you know who that is. I'm asking you to respect that. I'm sorry.

Quinn Fabray: I said what you wanted me to, he shot me down. So congrats. Looks like he really loves you.

Will Schuester: All right. Rachel?

Rachel Berry: I have a song that I've prepared for the class.

Will Schuester: Sorry, Rachel, no Britney. I'm really happy that her music has inspired so many of you, even if that inspiration was brought about by a dangerous narcotic. And I think we've all come to appreciate her music and celebrity so much more this week. But honestly, she's just not us.

Kurt Hummel: I'm devastated. I can't believe we only did one Britney number.

Rachel Berry: I was actually gonna do something from our original assignment last week-- adult contemporary. But this is just a little bit more young adult.

Will Schuester: Oh. Great, Rachel. Well, let's hear it.

Rachel Berry: I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold onto how you were making me feel so much, that I was strangling you in my hands, like a little bird. I get now, that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.

Brittany S. Pierce: Finn can fly?

Kurt Hummel: Really?

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week, I'm going to be performing a musical number by Kesha.

Mercedes Jones: Shh.

Rachel Berry: # When I was younger #
# I saw my daddy cry #
# And curse at the wind #
# He broke his own heart as I watched #
# As he tried to reassemble it #
# And my mama swore #
# She would never let herself forget #
# And that was the day that I promised #
# I'd never sing of love if it does not exist #
# But darling, you are #
# The only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# Oh #
# Oh... #
# I've got a tight grip on reality #
# But I can't #
# Let go of what's in front of me here #
# I know you're leaving in the morning #
# When you wake up, leave me with #
# Some kind of proof it's not a dream #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are #
# The only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# And I'm on my way to believing #
# Oh #
# And I'm on my way to believing. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Artie made the football team, which is crazy, and Finn's not the quarterback anymore, this new kid Sam is. Can you believe it? Kurt's dad and Finn's mom are dating, and are really happy together, which makes Finn and Kurt sort of like brothers. They sure yell at each other like brothers.

Finn Hudson: Why is it so hard for you to understand?

Ian Brennan: Sue has a sister, Jean, who she doesn't yell at at all.

Sue Sylvester: I will always love you.

Ian Brennan: Which sort of makes her the only person Sue doesn't yell at. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Finn Hudson: It all started a week ago. I was super hungry, but my mom was gone, so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making the cool grill marks it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy. And when I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God. Literally. I had made a Grilled Cheesus. I'm so hungry. I'm not the most religious guy. I sort of worship Eric Clapton and Ochocinco, but this was different, so, I decided to see what it felt like to, you know, pray. Dear Grilled Cheesus... First of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you did sort of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.

Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad.

Burt Hummel: Hey, that's my boy.

Kurt Hummel: You forgot your breakfast. Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.

Burt Hummel: What is this?

Kurt Hummel: It's an egg white wrap on a sprouted wheat tortilla, half a grapefruit and a green drink.

Burt Hummel: Where's my usual breakfast?

Kurt Hummel: A Coke and two Slim Jims?

Burt Hummel: Yeah. Breakfast of champions.

Kurt Hummel: Dad, you are not a kid anymore. You have to start taking care of yourself.

Burt Hummel: Well, I guess with enough hot sauce, this will all right. Thanks. Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over, and she has to work the night shift.

Kurt Hummel: I-I can't do this Friday. It's Sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale theater. It's a once-a-year event.

Burt Hummel: And last week, you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.

Kurt Hummel: Season six, Dad.

Burt Hummel: Okay, those Friday night dinners are a ritual in our family-- one your mom started.

Kurt Hummel: I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this? I, of all people, know how important the relationship is between you and Carole.

Burt Hummel: Those dinners are more than important. They're sacred. Okay, the whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedence over anything else you got going on.

Kurt Hummel: Sing-along Sound of Music is sacred to me.

Burt Hummel: What? You think I don't know that? Okay, wasn't I the one who bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six? Okay, the point is, if you start giving up stuff like Friday night dinners, then you got nothing to hold onto. Okay, let's face it, Kurt. If we don't schedule it, then we don't hang out. If we don't hang out, then our lives-- they just go right by each other. And we don't share very much.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, but I'm not missing something that I look forward to all year just for another dinner. Maybe we could do it Thursday or something.

Burt Hummel: I got to tell you, Kurt. I'm real disappointed in you.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue? I have something to say. Something happened to me, and I can't really get into it, but it's shaken me to my core.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, my God, he's coming out.

Finn Hudson: Why, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.

Noah Puckerman: That's way worse.

Finn Hudson: And I know there's others in here who dig him, too. And so I thought, maybe this week, we could pay tribute to him in music. You know, pay tribute to Jesus.

Kurt Hummel: Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.

Mercedes Jones: I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here.

Quinn Fabray: I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.

Santana Lopez: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?

Brittany S. Pierce: Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

Will Schuester: Well, guys, maybe our song selections don't have to be about Jesus. We could do songs about spirituality.

Finn Hudson: You got a problem with Jesus?

Noah Puckerman: Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-money to cramp everybody else's style, 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.

Rachel Berry: Okay, okay, that doesn't make any sense. In fact, it's stupid.

Noah Puckerman: Are you calling Mr. Billy Joel stupid? At this time, I'd like to continue my streak of doing only songs by Jewish artists. Hit it.
# Come out, Virginia, don't let me wait #
# You Catholic girls start much too late #
# Oh, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate #
# I might as well be the one #
# Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray #
# They built you a temple and locked you away #
# Oh, but they never told you the price that you'd pay #
# For things that you might have done #
# Only the good die young! #
# Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa, whoa, oh #
# You got a nice white dress and a party on your confirmation #
# You got a brand-new soul #
# Mmm, and a cross of gold #
# Come out, come out, come out #
# Virginia, don't let me wait #
# You Catholic girls start much too late #
# But sooner or later, it comes down to f fate #
# I might as well be the one #
# You know that only the good die young #
# Tell ya, baby. #

Burt Hummel: Oh! Well, according to this, I've still got two left, but let me check, 'cause I don't trust the guy who does my inventory.

Customer: Who's that?

Burt Hummel: Me.

Customer: Oh. Oh, geez.

Burt Hummel: Oh.

Customer: Hey, you okay, man?

Burt Hummel: Yeah, just a little indigestion, you know. Don't buy salami at the gas station.

Will Schuester: Kurt? Can we talk to you outside?

Kurt Hummel: Where is he? Is he dead?

Dr. Lee: No, he's alive, but I'm sorry I don't have any other good news.

Kurt Hummel: I want to see him.

Dr. Lee: He hasn't regained consciousness.

Will Schuester: I thought he had a heart attack.

Dr. Lee: Brought on by an arrhythmia, which caused a lack of blood to his brain. That's what made him lose consciousness and what's keeping him comatose. We have him on lidocaine, but there's no guarantees they're going to work or what kind of damage was done to his brain by the lack of oxygen.

Kurt Hummel: I don't understand what you're saying. When is he going to wake up?

Dr. Lee: I don't know.

Will Schuester: Okay, just-just... just take us to him now, please.

Kurt Hummel: I need a minute.

Emma Pillsbury: I don't think you should be alone, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: Please just give me a moment alone with my father.

Will Schuester: We'll be right outside.

Kurt Hummel: Dad? Can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand. I'm holding yours right now. Just squee back. Come on, Dad. Just squeeze my hand.

Finn Hudson: What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing. Dating Rachel is great, but she's kind of a prude, and I'm sort of going crazy. Anyway, her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs, and I'd really like to touch them. So, Cheesus, considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you, I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers. Amen.

Santana Lopez: Hey, Kurt. We're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.

Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Santana.

Brittany S. Pierce: I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.

Finn Hudson: What the hell happened?

Kurt Hummel: My dad's in the hospital.

Finn Hudson: I know. My mom just called me. I feel like I'm the last one to know!

Kurt Hummel: Well, I'm sorry, Finn. It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, well, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has, but I thought we were... sort of a family. Look, I-I guess I just... I didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. Our thoughts are all with Kurt, and, uh, I know it's sort of hard to really focus on anything else...

Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Mercedes Jones: I've been struggling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say to Kurt all day, and I realize I don't want to say it, I want to sing it. This song is about being in a very dark place, and turning to God. It's a spiritual song, Mr. Schue. Is that okay?

Will Schuester: It's fine.

Mercedes Jones: Tina, Quinn, can you help me out, please?
# As I lay me down #
# Heaven, hear me now #
# I'm lost without a cause #
# After giving it my all #
# Winter storms have come #
# And darkened my sun #
# After all that I've been through #
# Who on earth can I turn to? #
# I look to you #
# I look to you #
# After all my strength is gone #
# In you I can be strong #
# I look to you #
# I look to you, oh... #
# And when melodies are gone #
# Yeah #
# Melodies are gone #
# In you I hear a song #
# I look to you... #
# Ooh... #
# I look #
# To you... #

Kurt Hummel: Thank you, Mercedes. Your voice is stunning, but... I don't believe in God.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait, what?

Kurt Hummel: You've all professed your beliefs. I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God's kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay and then has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father. I want my real one back.

Mercedes Jones: But Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.

Kurt Hummel: You can't prove that there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?

Brittany S. Pierce: Is God an evil dwarf?

Quinn Fabray: We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Quinn. But you all can believe whatever you want to. But I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thoughts... but I don't want your prayers.

Will Schuester: How did you even find out about the lesson?

Sue Sylvester: I have cameras everywhere, William.

Will Schuester: I'm giving a lesson on spirituality. I don't understand what the big deal is.

Sue Sylvester: Well, the big deal is that this is a public school, and there's this little thing called separation of church and state, which happens to be the pillar of a functioning civil society.

Principal Figgins: But Sue, children should be allowed to profess whatever faith they choose.

Sue Sylvester: At the BET Awards, but not in a public school.

Will Schuester: Sue, I'm trying to help these kids. Kurt is struggling with some really tough issues.

Sue Sylvester: Well, William, if your kids want to praise Jesus in class, I suggest they enroll at Sweet Holy Mother of God Academy on I Love Jesus Street, but not here. This country is not a monarchy, William. Trust me, I've tried. And as much as I enjoy giving impromptu civics lessons, I got work to do.

Rachel Berry: Finn, please... sit.

Finn Hudson: You're upset about Kurt's dad, too?

Rachel Berry: Yes. But more importantly, let's discuss your newfound love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys, and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will be raised in a certain way.

Finn Hudson: You don't think you're gonna have sex till you're 25?

Rachel Berry: I want my children to be raised in the Jewish faith. Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.

Finn Hudson: Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and... and wear those hats and... and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.

Rachel Berry: Let's lay down on the bed.

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Rachel Berry: Finn... I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me.

Finn Hudson: Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.

Sue Sylvester: I need to know what's going on with that Glee Club. Brittany, Jugs the Clown, go.

Santana Lopez: Mostly just everyone's really sad for Kurt, and no one really knows how to help.

Brittany S. Pierce: I made him a card that said "Heart attacks are just from loving too much."

Sue Sylvester: Schuester's still pushing the Lil' Jeezy?

Santana Lopez: I guess so. Although I don't really see what the big deal is. But Kurt's definitely not into it.

Sue Sylvester: How's your father?

Kurt Hummel: They say his condition is critical but stable. Good news, I guess.

Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I guess I don't have to-- I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester's doing in that classroom even more than usual. But I can't go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.

Kurt Hummel: So you want me to be your scapegoat?

Sue Sylvester: No. You don't understand. I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it-- it aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.

Emma Pillsbury: What is wrong with you?

Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry, Madame Secretary, I'm gonna have to call you back. Love to Bill.

Emma Pillsbury: There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father. How could you get in the way when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant?

Sue Sylvester: Have a seat. Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her. And so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after a while I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough... it's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy... however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.

Emma Pillsbury: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?

Sue Sylvester: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how openhearted or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?

Emma Pillsbury: Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine. But please keep it to yourself.

Sue Sylvester: So long as you do the same. That kid could lose his father at any moment. You should start preparing him for that. Now get the hell out of my office. I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergi to your lustrous ginger mane.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious-- we can't win.

Brittany S. Pierce: Now I know what Miley feels like.

Rachel Berry: The real tragedy here is that I found the most perfect spiritual song to sing this week, and now it's been torn away from me like Sophie's daughter.

Will Schuester: Guys, you can still sing whatever songs you like that sum up your feelings about God, about spirit. You just can't do it on school time.

Santana Lopez: I hope you're happy, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: Having the week of my life, actually.

Will Schuester: Guys... back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind.

Mercedes Jones: Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through, but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good.

Kurt Hummel: It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one.

Finn Hudson: Cheesus, I don't need to tell you how much you rule. You've given me everything I've prayed for, and it turns out Rachel's boobs are really awesome. Anyway, I need another favor, so, Cheesus... I pray that I'm made quarterback again. Sam's a good dude-- I just think that I can deliver your message to the world more powerfully if I'm the most popular guy in the school again.

Noah Puckerman: What are you doing?

Finn Hudson: Nothing. Eating. So I pray before I eat now-- what's the big deal? You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you?

Noah Puckerman: No. It's cool. To tell you the truth, I actually went to temple with my nanny yesterday. I know it makes me a wuss, but I'm bummed about Kurt's dad. I've kind of been praying for him. I know how hard it is not to have a father, you know? What do you pray for?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Same stuff.

Noah Puckerman: You burned your grilled cheese.

Finn Hudson: Why are we in the park?

Rachel Berry: 'Cause I don't want anything coming between us and God. And because Yentl was outside when she sang this song in the movie. I just hope that God hears this song as a prayer for Burt Hummel and decides to bring him back to us.
# God... #
Our Heavenly Father,
# Oh, God... #
And my father, o is also in Heaven.
# May the light #
Of this flickering candle...
# Illuminate the night #
# The way your spirit illuminates #
# My soul... #
# Papa #
# Can you hear me? #
# Papa #
# Can you see me? #
# Papa, can you hear me #
# In the night #
# Papa, are you near me? #
# Papa, can you hear me? #
# Papa, can you help me not be frightened #
# Looking at the skies, I seem to see a million eyes #
# Which ones are yours? #
# Where are you now that yesterday has come and gone #
# And closed its doors? #
# The night is so much darker #
# The wind is so much colder #
# The world I see is so much bigger #
# Now that I'm alone #
# Papa, please forgive me, try to understand me #
# Papa, don't you know I had no choice? #
# Can you hear me praying, anything I'm saying? #
# Even though the night #
# Is filled with voices #
# I remember everything you taught me #
# Every book I've ever read... #
# Can all the words in all the books #
# Help me to face what lies ahead? #
# The trees are so much taller #
# And I feel so much smaller #
# The moon is twice as lonely #
# And the stars are #
# Half as bright #
# Papa, how I love you #
# Papa, how I need you #
# Papa, how I miss you #
# Kissing me #
# Good night... #
Who's next?

Kurt Hummel: What's going on in here?

Rachel Berry: We-We were just praying for your dad.

Mercedes Jones: Rachel, Quinn, and I are taking turns. We're from different denominations and religions, so we figured one of us is bound to be right.

Kurt Hummel: I didn't ask you to do this.

Carole Hudson: Honey, I know you're upset about what's happening, I get it, but friends help out, even when you don't ask.

Sikh: Mr. Kurt Hummel?

Finn Hudson: Dude, why didn't you just tell us you wanted to pray in Muslim?

Sikh: I'm not Muslim, I'm a Sikh.

Kurt Hummel: She's going to see if acupuncture will improve the circulation to my dad's brain. Amazingly, needles pierce the skin better than psalms. Can you all please leave now?

Rachel Berry: We just wanted to do something.

Sam Evans: Red 42 on three.

Football Players: Break.

Finn Hudson: Wait. That cornerback's been cheating right all night. We should naked bootleg left.

Sam Evans: That ogre linebacker's on the left. He's been killing me all game.

Finn Hudson: Dude, trust me, I'm the only guy who's ever actually won a game on this field.

Sam Evans: Okay, naked bootleg left, I keep on three. All right, you ready?

Football Players: Break.

Shannon Beiste: That's not what I called.

Sam Evans: Yah! Hike!

Finn Hudson: Is he okay?

Shannon Beiste: His shoulder's dislocated. This is what happens when you change my plays in the huddle.

Sam Evans: I don't understand, that guy came out of nowhere.

Shannon Beiste: I know, that kid's been cheating right all night. No reason for him to be there. It's just bad luck.

Trainer: We need to get him to the E.R.

Shannon Beiste: Okay, let's go. It's in your hands now, Lurch. Congratulations, you're the quarterback again.

Will Schuester: I know things have been pretty morose around here this past week, but I want to celebrate some good news for our little family. Let's hear it for Finn on getting back his quarterback job and leading the Titans to a win in their second game of the season.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, too bad that Sam kid had to have his arm basically ripped off for it to happen, but it's good to have you back in the saddle, brother.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: Um, I wanted to thank everyone for your kind e-mails and queries about my dad, but for your information, his condition mains the same. I need to express myself, so with your permission, Mr. Schue, I've prepared a number for the occasion.

Will Schuester: Of course, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: On the day of my mom's funeral, when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying. I mean, that was it. It was the last time I was ever going to see her, and I remember I looked up at my dad and I, I just wanted him to say something, just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn't over, and he just took my hand and squeezed it. And just knowing that those hands were there to take care of me... that was enough. This is for my dad.
# Yeah, I'll #
# Tell you something #
# I think you'll understand #
# When I say #
# That something #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold your hand #
# Oh, please #
# Say to me #
# You'll let me be your man #
# And please #
# Say to me #
# You'll let me hold #
# Your hand #
# Now let me hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# And when I touch you #
# I feel happy #
# Inside #
# It's such a feeling #
# That my love #
# I can't hide #
# I can't hide #
# I can't #
# Hide... #
# Yeah, you #
# Got that something #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand. #

Mercedes Jones: Kurt, can I talk to you for a second? I know you're going through a really scary time right now, but I feel like I don't know how to be around you anymore, and I know you're not really spiritual or whatever, but I feel like you're closing yourself to a world of experiences that might surprise you.

Kurt Hummel: You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be pushing my friends away, especially friends as fabulous as you.

Mercedes Jones: Do me a favor-- one thing. Come to church with me this Sunday. Our church does this thing where we dedicate the service to someone, and I got them to dedicate this Sunday to your dad.

Kurt Hummel: I don't know.

Mercedes Jones: You get to wear a fabulous hat.

Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, you had me at "fabulous hat."

Mercedes Jones: Come on, let's go to class.

Finn Hudson: I have to confess something. I'm the reason Sam got hurt. I asked for three things to happen-- one, for us to win our first football game, two, to get to second base with Rachel, and three, to be the quarterback on the football team again. All those three things happened because I prayed for them to Grilled Cheesus.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Where to start?

Finn Hudson: No, no, I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't. Jesus appeared to me on a sandwich and it has special powers, I'm telling you, but I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, let's just-- let's take a second. Okay? Um... look, first, you won the football game because you actually have a coach who spends the game watching the plays rather than biting his toenails. And God didn't let you touch Rachel's boobs. Rachel did.

Finn Hudson: Just the sides of them, but wait, why would she do that?

Emma Pillsbury: Well, what were you doing right before you were touching them? What?

Finn Hudson: I remember yawning. Right, 'cause we were talking about emotional stuff.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yes, well, there you go, that's it. Girls like that. She felt close to you, thus the inappropriate touching. Uh, more importantly, you didn't hurt Sam. It was a 300-pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23. God works in all kinds of mysterious ways, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches. You look disappointed.

Finn Hudson: I am. It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God. Now I just feel like everybody else, you know, like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that.

Emma Pillsbury: You're not alone. The big questions are really big for a reason-- they're hard. But you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them.

Finn Hudson: # Oh #
# Life is bigger #
# It's bigger than you and you are not me #
# The lengths that I will go to #
# The distance in your eyes #
# I've said enough #
# That's me in the corner #
# That's me in the spotlight #
# Losing my religion #
# Trying to keep up with you #
# And I don't know if I can do it #
# Oh, no, I've said too much #
# I haven't said enough #
# I thought that I heard you laughing #
# I thought that I heard you sing #
# I think I thought I saw you try #
# But that was just a dream #
# Just a dream, just a dream #
# Dream. #

Tina Cohen-Chang: I thought we couldn't sing songs about religion.

Mercedes Jones: Evidently, we can't sing about faith, but we can sing about losing faith?

Will Schuester: That's sort of what I want to talk about today. Well, earlier in the week, Finn, it seemed like you felt differently.

Finn Hudson: Well, I used to think God was up there looking over me. Now, I'm not so sure.

Kurt Hummel: I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best. It's so Christ-chic. I hope our genuflection to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky don't take too long. My Sikh is coming again today at 2:00 to do more acupuncture on my dad.

Mercedes Jones: Is it working?

Kurt Hummel: Not yet. Nothing is.

Mercedes Jones: I have to go be with my choir.

Kurt Hummel: Wait, don't, don't...

Mercedes Jones: Hi, church.

All: Hi.

Mercedes Jones: I have a favor to ask you guys. My friend Kurt Hummel's dad is in the hospital. And it's pretty bad. And I know we have all of our own worries and troubles, but if we could just put them aside and focus all of our prayers and give them to Burt Hummel, and to my friend Kurt. I know you don't believe in God, and you don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay. To each his own. But you've got to believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold onto and without something that's sacred. Anyway, Kurt, this song is for you.

Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #
# Give it up, why don't you? #
# Whoa, whoa, yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # Whoa, yeah #
# When you're down and out #
# When you're in the street #
# When evenin' falls so hard #
# I will comfort you #
# I'll take your part #

Church Choir: # Ooh, ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
# Oh, when darkness comes #

Church Choir: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # And there's no one #
# No one you love around #
# Just like a bridge over troubled waters #
# I will lay me down #

Church Choir: # Like a bridge #

Mercedes Jones: # Like a bridge #

Church Choir: # Over troubled water #

Mercedes Jones: # Over troubled water #
# I will lay me down #

Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah #

Church Choir: # Give it up #

Mercedes Jones: # Give it up, yeah #

Church Choir: # Why don't you #
# Let it be? #

Mercedes Jones: # Let it, let it, let it, let it #
# Let it, let it, let it be, yeah #

Church Choir: # Still waters run deep #

Mercedes Jones: # Hey, hey #

Church Choir: # Yes, they do #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, yeah, yeah #
# Oh, yeah... #

Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #

Mercedes Jones: # Trouble... #
# I'll be there when you need a friend #

Church Choir: # To lay me down #
# Why don't you, why don't you let it be? #

Mercedes Jones: # I'll be your bridge over troubled water #
# Hey, hey, yeah #

Church Choir: # Still waters run deep #
# Yes, they do #

Mercedes Jones: # Yes, they do #

Church Choir: # Don't trouble the #

Mercedes Jones: # Trouble the water. #

Church Choir: # Water... #

Sue Sylvester: No. This one, baby.

Jean Sylvester: Oh, this one.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah.

Jean Sylvester: Boom. Boom. I won!

Sue Sylvester: Oh!

Jean Sylvester: Sue, you're letting me win.

Sue Sylvester: No, I swear it. I'm not!

Jean Sylvester: You're letting me win, Sue. You're letting me win.

Sue Sylvester: Do you believe in God, Jeannie?

Jean Sylvester: Do you?

Sue Sylvester: No, I don't.

Jean Sylvester: Why not?

Sue Sylvester: Because when we were little girls, you were perfect in my eyes... And I watched the world be cruel to you, so...

Jean Sylvester: God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe. You want me to pray for you, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Yeah. That would be nice. I win. I cheated. I can't do that.

Kurt Hummel: You never could dress yourself. Mercedes took me to church on Sunday. It's funny, but when the choir was singing, this memory flashed into my head. Do you remember our first Friday night dinner after Mom died? You tried to make a chicken. I guess you wanted me to feel like there was something still normal. You put it on the table, and you cut into it, and it was raw. And we both looked at each other for a second, and cracked up before we remembered that we weren't supposed to yet. I'm sorry about the other day, Dad. I should have let those guys pray for you. It wasn't about me. It was about you, and... it was nice. I don't believe in God, Dad. But I believe in you. And I believe in us. You and me-- that's what's sacred to me. And I am... I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you that. Dad? Nurse Nancy! Dad, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.

Tina Cohen-Chang: # If God had a name what it would it be? #
# And would you call it to his face #
# If you were faced with him in all his glory? #
# What would you ask if you had just one question? #

Finn Hudson: # And yeah, yeah, God is great #
# Yeah, yeah #
# God is good #
# Yeah, yeah #

Finn & Rachel: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# What if God was one of us? #

Mercedes Jones: # What if God was one of us #

Finn & Rachel: # Oh, just a slob like one of us? #

Mercedes Jones: # Just a slob like one of us #

Finn & Rachel: # Just a stranger on the bus #
# Trying to make his way home #

Mercedes Jones: # Trying to make his way home #

Finn & Rachel: # Just trying to make his way home #

Mercedes Jones: # Trying to find his way home #

Finn & Rachel: # Just trying to make his way home... #

Will Schuester: The kids really wanted to do this song, Sue, so I let 'em. You gonna get me fired? Report me?

Sue Sylvester: No.

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Tina dumped Artie for Mike Chang. This new kid, Sam, has a great voice and Finn heard him sing in the shower.

Finn Hudson: And we'd like to talk to you about Glee club.

Ian Brennan: Finn thought Kurt was trying to look at him in the shower so he called him a name which totally got him chewed up by Kurt's dad. Maybe everyone should just start taking baths. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: All right, let's, uh, let's gather round. Sorry I'm late, guys. I was with Principal Figgins. Bad news, guys. Puckerman's in Juvvie.

Tina Cohen-Chang: It really was just a matter of time.

Quinn Fabray: What did he do?

Will Schuester: He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store, and drove off with the ATM.

Rachel Berry: A-A-And when is he getting out?

Will Schuester: Unknown.

Brittany S. Pierce: He's the dumbest person on the planet, and that's coming from me.

Will Schuester: Guys! Let's have some sympathy.

Finn Hudson: For a guy who put his needs before the team's? We need his voice, and his bad-boy stage presence.

Will Schuester: We can't look at this as, as a crisis. It's an opportunity.

Quinn Fabray: For what? Further embarrassment and humiliation?

Will Schuester: For welcoming our new member... Sam Evans!

Finn Hudson: There he is.

Sam Evans: How's it going? Hey, everybody. I'm Sam. Sam... I am. And I don't like green eggs and ham.

Santana Lopez: Oh, wow. He has no game.

Finn Hudson: Okay! This is gonna be great. You're not going to regret joining, Sam.

Rachel Berry: Oh, good.

Finn Hudson: Sam, you sit right here.

Will Schuester: All right! Question for the group. What's a duet?

Brittany S. Pierce: A blanket.

Will Schuester: A duet is when two voices join to become one. Great duets are like a great marriage. The singers complement each other, push each other to be better. Now, some people...

Kurt Hummel: Psst! He's on team gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.

Mercedes Jones: You're crazy, circa 2010.

Will Schuester: And that is what duets are all about. So, this week I want you to pair up and sing a duet. And since you guys all seemed to love our little "Defying Gravity" diva-off, I'm making this a competition.

Mike Chang: What's the winner get?

Will Schuester: Dinner for two, on me... at Breadstix.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Breadstix! Yeah!

Santana Lopez: I have to win.

Brittany S. Pierce: I know.

Santana Lopez: I have to win.

Mercedes Jones: Who you gonna sing with, Kurt?

Kurt Hummel: Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel.

Sam Evans: Hey.

Kurt Hummel: I just wanted to personally welcome you to the glee club.

Sam Evans: Thanks.

Kurt Hummel: Just tell me. Look... maybe at your old school, you could get away with the whole "I just stayed in the sun all summer" excuse, but I have three gifts: my voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion, and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle.

Sam Evans: I don't dye my hair, dude.

Kurt Hummel: Yes, you do. But it's just between friends. That's not natural.

Sam Evans: I'm gonna... go... 'cause you're kinda freaking me out.

Kurt Hummel: Wait, wait. Maybe my instincts were a little off. Let me make it up to you. Team up with me for the duet competition. Listen, unless you team up with Rachel, I am your best bet at winning.

Sam Evans: Aren't duets supposed to be between, like, a girl and a guy?

Kurt Hummel: Well, Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest. "Make'em Laugh"?

Sam Evans: Sorry.

Kurt Hummel: Singin' in the Rain. 1952. Nothing. Okay, maybe you are straight.

Sam Evans: What?

Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Listen, rent it. And then look up the menu for Breadstix online, and call me, because we are gonna win this.

Brittany S. Pierce: I love your sweet lady kisses.

Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm. It's a nice break from all that scissoring.

Brittany S. Pierce: We should do a duet together. We should sing Melissa Ethridge's "Come To My Window."

Santana Lopez: First of all? There's a lot of talking going on, and I wants ta get my mack on.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I don't know, I just... I think we just...

Santana Lopez: Okay, second of all? I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies. I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about 12 hours now, and I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me, or I can't digest my food.

Brittany S. Pierce: But who are you going to sing a duet with?

Mercedes Jones: Why would I want to do a duet with you? We can't stand each other.

Santana Lopez: Look, Wheezy, I realize I've tried to punch you a couple times, and sometimes, when you're not looking, I puweird things in your food. But it's a new year, and you and I are the best singers at this school.

Mercedes Jones: I don't get what the big deal is, it's just a free trip to Breadstix.

Santana Lopez: Um, I'm sorry, have you been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time I brought a wheelbarrow, and when the mager tried to stop me from filling it up, I calleded the corporae office and got her fired.

Mercedes Jones: Well, I guess our voices do sorta go together.

Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm, that's right, girl! So if we do a duet together, we will be the undisputed top bitches at this school.

Finn Hudson: You can't do this to him.

Kurt Hummel: You're over-reacting.

Finn Hudson: If he sings with you, you're painting a bull's-eye on his back.

Kurt Hummel: Once again, your closeted homophobia seeps to the surface like the contents of a cracked cesspool.

Finn Hudson: Don't give me that. Look, I know I shouldn't have used that word in your basement, but it's not like you were innocent. I really like you, Kurt. But the fact of the matter is, the way you were all over me last year? If I did that to a girl, she'd take out a restraining order.

Kurt Hummel: You have issues with me being gay, I get it.

Finn Hudson: No, actually, I don't. I have issues with the fact that you don't understand that no means no.

Kurt Hummel: I just want to sing with him.

Finn Hudson: Then you don't give a damn about any of us. If he sings with you, I guarantee, within a week, he'll take so much crap, he'll have to quit Glee Club. Your call, dude.

Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #

Rachel Berry: # I couldn't if I tried #

Finn Hudson: # Oh honey, if I get restless #

Rachel Berry: # Baby, you're not the kind #

Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #

Rachel Berry: # You take the weight off of me #

Finn Hudson: # Oh honey, when you knock on my door #

Rachel Berry: # Ooh, I gave you my key #

Finn & Rachel: # Ooh-hoo! #
# Nobody knows it #

Finn Hudson: # But when I was down #

Rachel Berry: # I was your clown #

Finn & Rachel: # Hoo-hoo! #
# Nobody knows it #

Rachel Berry: # Nobody knows it #

Finn Hudson: # Right from the start #

Rachel Berry: # I gave you my heart #
# Oh... oh #
# I gave you my heart #

Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #

Rachel Berry: # I won't go breakin' your heart #

Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my #

Finn & Rachel: # Don't go breakin' my #
# Don't go breakin' my heart #

Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my #

Finn & Rachel: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
# Oh... #
# Yeah! #

Finn Hudson: We're totally going to win this thing.

Rachel Berry: I know.

Finn Hudson: Wow. Don't be sad. I mean, Breadstix has these vegan meatballs, they're... they're okay.

Rachel Berry: I'm not really a nice person. I'm selfish. The fact is, is I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, but I still like you.

Rachel Berry: But you, you're so... kind, a-and open. Well, it's made me want to be a better person. We have to throw the competition.

Finn Hudson: I love Breadstix.

Rachel Berry: No, i-i-if we wanna win at Nationals, then Sam has to win this contest. Okay? He has to feel like he belongs and, and the team has to believe in him.

Finn Hudson: Wow, Rachel, I never seen you like this. I'm kind of impressed.

Rachel Berry: Well, like I said... you inspired me.

Finn Hudson: But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice.

Rachel Berry: Okay, so I'm just gonna ignore what you just said repeat what I said before: we just have to find a way for me to lose a singing competition so that the new kid sticks around.

Finn Hudson: Right.

Mike Chang: I don't want to do it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We're duet partners-- you have to sing!

Mike Chang: I don't even know if I can sing. Everyo knows I'm here to do one thing: dance. You sing and I'll dance around you; you'll be fine.

Tina Cohen-Chang: No, no. We're singing together. We are gonna win that dinner at Breadstix, and then we can finally have a normal night out.

Mike Chang: Normal? What do you mean? We went out last night.

Tina Cohen-Chang: For dim sum. With your mom. All we ever do is get dim sum with your mom!

Mike Chang: Here we go.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. So, I just want you to know I'm really into you.

Artie Abrams: Okay. Sorry, I'm... just a little confused. You've never even made eye contact with me.

Brittany S. Pierce: I know. For a while I thought you were a robot.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm not saying that steamed pork knuckles aren't delicious. I'm just saying that at Breadstix they have bottomless salad bowls, they refill your salad until you leave or pass out.

Mike Chang: You can get salad at dim sum.

Tina Cohen-Chang: My mom got salad last night. There were chicken feet in it. It was a chicken feet salad. All I want is a normal salad that doesn't have chicken feet in it!

Artie Abrams: So, let me get this straight. You want to be my girlfriend because... you like the idea of... wheeling me around?

Brittany S. Pierce: I just really want to get you in a stroller.

Mike Chang: You're not listening to me.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You don't care about my needs!

Ancient Librarian: Shh!

Tina Cohen-Chang: We're fighting a lot.

Mike Chang: We should go to Asian couples therapy.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Why does the couples therapy have to be Asian?

Artie Abrams: So, I get to tell everybody that we're dating?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. And I get a duet partner.

Sam Evans: I don't see the big deal. He e-mailed me, like, 60 MP3's of him singing, and I thought it was Faith Hill.

Finn Hudson: The kid's good. Look, this isn't about how good Kurt is. Being in Glee Club is like... it's like walking down the double yellow lines of a highway. If you get just a little off course you're gonna get crushed.

Sam Evans: I got to be honest. You're kind of confusing my head right now. I mean, do you remember what you said when you talked me into joining Glee Club?

Finn Hudson: Nationals are in New York City. Can you imagine at it's going to be like coming home with that first-place trophy? Most of the kids in this town have never even seen the ocean. We'll be gods.

Sam Evans: I joined up because I'm new here and you said it would make me popular, and now you're telling me that it's going to get me killed.

Finn Hudson: Well, eventually you're going get popular from it, believe me, but until then, you got to lay low a little bit, a-and singing a duet with another dude is not laying low.

Sam Evans: I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes.

Finn Hudson: Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes. Everyone else does, and we're living in their world, and in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence.

Sam Evans: Well, I gave him my word. In my world, that's that.

Dave Karofsky: Boom!

Azimio Adams: Welcome to Glee Club, lady lips.

Quinn Fabray: The blueberry flavor is the worst, especially if it gets down your pants. I looked like a creature out of Avatar down there when I got Slushied.

Sam Evans: I saw Avatar, like, six times.

Quinn Fabray: Oh. Anyway, you'll get used to it.

Sam Evans: You're the head cheerleader. Why do you even bother? I mean, you don't need Glee Club.

Quinn Fabray: I like to sing... and the fact is those guys were pretty cool to me last year when I wasn't on top. What's the point of being popular when you can't do what you want?

Sam Evans: Lor manari. It means you have pretty eyes. It's Nav'i... the Avatar language. Lor manari.

Kurt Hummel: First course is served. Heart-healthy vegan carrot soup with whole grain croutons, and you'd better eat all of it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find saffron in this town?

Burt Hummel: All right, let me eat this at the table. You could make a plaster cast of my ass with the cushions from this couch.

Kurt Hummel: Absolutely not. I am in charge of your care from now on. You had a serious arrhythmia, Dad. The doctors say you need to rest until your stress test.

Burt Hummel: You're my stress test. Guess this means I can't get salt?

Kurt Hummel: Chin up.

Burt Hummel: What's up? How's school?

Kurt Hummel: It's fine, I guess. There's this new kid Sam in Glee Club. He and I are singing a duet together.

Burt Hummel: Is that a problem?

Kurt Hummel: Finn practically begged me not to. He said it'd ruin Sam's reputation.

Burt Hummel: Well, this kid Sam, uh... you know, does he, he play for your team?

Kurt Hummel: Undetermined.

Burt Hummel: Oh. Maybe Finn has a point.

Kurt Hummel: You're siding with him after what he called me in our basement?

Burt Hummel: I was talking to Carole, and you weren't totally honest with me. She told me that you had a crush on Finn and you weren't afraid to show it. Is this true?

Kurt Hummel: So a gay guy can't be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory?

Burt Hummel: You got to understand that most guys don't know how to deal with unwanted advances.

Kurt Hummel: So you're saying I shouldn't sing with this Sam guy because it might upset a couple homophobes? I thought you said no one pushes the Hummels around.

Burt Hummel: No one does. I-I'm, I'm not saying that. I-I'm, I'm saying that maybe it's you who's pushing this kid Sam around, trying to take advantage of him because you're interested in him.

Kurt Hummel: Dad, you have no idea what it's like. I am the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. I mean, why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow-dance at my prom?

Burt Hummel: Come here. You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're just going to have to get used to going it alone.

Mercedes Jones: # When I was a little girl #
# I had a rag doll #
# Only doll I've ever owned #

Santana Lopez: # Now I love you just the way #
# I loved that rag doll #
# But only now my love #
# Has grown #

Mercedes Jones: # And it gets stronger #
# In every way #
# And it gets higher #

Mercedes & Santana: # Day by day #
# Do I love you? #
# My, oh, my #
# River deep, mountain high #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# If I lost you, would I cry? #
# Oh, how I love you, baby #
# Baby, bab baby #

Mercedes Jones: # I love you, baby #
# Like a flower loves the spring #

Santana Lopez: # And I love you, baby, like a robin #
# Loves to sing #

Mercedes Jones: # And I love you, baby #
# Like a schoolboy loves his bag #

Mercedes & Santana: # And I love you, baby, river deep #
# Mountain high #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, baby #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh... baby #

Santana Lopez: # Ooh, ooh, yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #

Mercedes & Santana: # Do I love you? #
# My, oh, my, yeah #
# River deep, mountain high #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# If I lost you, would I cry? #
# Oh, how I love you, baby #
# Baby, baby, baby. #

Will Schuester: Whoo!

Artie Abrams: Again, again, again.

Will Schuester: Ladies, nice work. What an incredible song.

Santana Lopez: And just so you know, I've already bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes here. You know why? 'Cause we's be going...

Mercedes & Santana: To Breadstix.

Will Schuester: You hear that, guys? You have your work cut out for you.

Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Shawshank on you.

Sam Evans: This is kind of weird. Guys usually don't talk to each other in here.

Kurt Hummel: Well, this can't wait. I'm setting you free. You can do your duet with someone else in Glee, someone that the world deems more appropriate.

Sam Evans: Did I do something to offend you?

Kurt Hummel: No, no, I... It's not you, it's me. You've been honorable, actually, and I wish you the best, but I've realized that I need to sing with someone that matches my passion and talent level.

Sam Evans: Who's that?

Kurt Hummel: You know, they make special shampoo for color-treated hair.

Sam Evans: I don't dye my hair.

Kurt Hummel: Uh-huh.

Rachel Berry: This is a disaster.

Finn Hudson: Could you stop pacing? It's stressing me out.

Rachel Berry: It's just, being the "it couple" is so much harder than I thought. I-I am so stumped at how to lose this thing.

Finn Hudson: Wait, I got it. You remember we saw Grease and it was good, and then we saw Grease 2, and I fell asleep, but you said the difference was that the songs were bad.

Rachel Berry: Were bad. Yeah If we want to lose, we have to do a song that's bad.

Finn Hudson: Not just a bad song, an offensive song.

Rachel Berry: Yes!

Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie.

Artie Abrams: Mm-hmm.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Can we talk?

Artie Abrams: Yeah.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I want us to be duet partners.

Artie Abrams: Really?

Tina Cohen-Chang: We sing really well together. I just thought if we won, we could share a nice, free dinner together as friends. We haven't really talked.

Artie Abrams: Well, Tina, as rich as I find it that you've come crawling back, I'll have you know that not only do I have a duet partner but that our working relationship has blossomed into romance. If you'll excuse me.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys, so... who is up first today?

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may.

Will Schuester: You may.

Kurt Hummel: As many of you know, I had a duet partner, but due to sensitivities I'd rather not get into at the moment, I have dissolved the partnership.

Will Schuester: Okay, so who are you going to sing a duet with?

Kurt Hummel: Only the most talented member of the glee club-- myself. When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone. I've asked a few members of the glee club as well as some Cheerios to help me out.

Santana Lopez: How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation or something.

Kurt Hummel: I will be doing a number from the seminal classic movie Victor/Victoria. It's a show about embracing both the male and the female sides. Watch and learn, Santana. Hit it.
# 'Bout 20 years ago #
# Way down in New Orleans #
# A group of fellers found #
# A new kind of music #
# And they decided to call it #
# Jazz #
# No other sound has #
# What this music has #
# Before they knew it #
# It was whizzin' 'round the world #
# The world was ready #
# For a blue kind of music #
# And now they play it #
# From Steamboat Springs #
# To La Paz #
# Oh, baby #
# Won't you play me #
# Le Jazz Hot #
# Maybe, and don't ever #
# Let it end #
# I tell ya, friend, it's really something #
# To hear #
# I can't sit still #
# When there's that rhythm #
# Near me #
# When you play me #
# Le Jazz Hot, baby #
# You're holding my soul #
# Together #
# Don't know whether it's morning #
# Or night #
# Only know it sounded right #
# So come on in #
# And play me #
# Le Jazz Hot #
# Baby, 'cause #
# I love my jazz #
# Hot... #
# Le... #
# Jazz... #
# Hot... #
Le Jazz Hot.

New Directions: Yeah! Yeah!

Sam Evans: I love astronomy. Something about all that space makes my problems seem kind of small. That one's Venus. Planet of love.

Quinn Fabray: It's actually Mars, planet of war.

Sam Evans: Which one are we on?

Quinn Fabray: Earth. So why don't you come back to it and talk to me about duets. Tell me why I should be singing with you.

Sam Evans: Okay. Well, I want to start off with the choreography. Singing will be easy, so I'll start playing... All right, now get behind me. Get behind me. Good. Now grab my hips. And start swaying. All right, now, here's the cool part. Give me your hand. Do you know how to play?

Quinn Fabray: No.

Sam Evans: All right, it's easy. Just put that finger there. Just like that. Now do it fast back and forth. There you go.

Quinn Fabray: No. No, I can't do this. Th year is about me. And don't say that I'm selfish, because you have no idea how much I've given.

Sam Evans: I wasn't... I wasn't gonna...

Quinn Fabray: I've been down this path before; I know this feeling. Like, I need you. Duets don't work for me, and I don't need you. What I need is to find a way to keep Santana off my heels.

Sam Evans: I'm... I'm sorry...

Quinn Fabray: What I need is to find a way to torture Rachel. And I need to start learning to ignore people.

Sam Evans: And I'm sorry, I shouldn't... I shouldn't have tried that.

Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry. I made a mistake, and, um... I don't want to sing with you.

Mike Chang: I don't think I could do this.

Tina Cohen-Chang: It's the perfect song for this very situation.

Will Schuester: Whenever you're ready, guys.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, hurry up; I needs to get myself to Breadstix.

Brittany S. Pierce: Don't count on it. I'm mad at you, but you're still so hot.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Trust me, you're gonna be great.

Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't sing #
# I could never really sing #
# What I couldn't do is #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #

Mike Chang: # I have trouble with the #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Note #

Mike Chang: # It goes all around my #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Throat #

Mike Chang: # It's a terrifying #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Thing #

Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't #
# Hear which note was lower or was #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Higher #

Mike Chang: # Which is why #
# I disappear if someone says #
# Let's start a #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Choir #

Mike Chang: # Hey, when I begin to...

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Squeak #

Mike Chang: # It's a cross between a... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Shriek #

Mike Chang: # And a quiver or a...

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Moan #

Mike Chang: # It's a little like a... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Croak #

Mike Chang: # Or the record player... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Broke #

Mike Chang: # What it doesn't have is... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Tone #

Mike Chang: # Oh, I know you're thinking what a crazy #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ding-a-ling #

Mike Chang: # But I really couldn't #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #

Mike Chang: # I could never really #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #

Mike Chang: # What I couldn't do is #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #

Mike Chang: But what I lack in pitch, I sure make up in...

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Power...

Mike Chang: # And all my friends say I am perfect for the...
# Shower! #
# Still... I'm terrific at a #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Dance #

Mike Chang: # 'Cause I'm messing up my #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pants #

Mike Chang: # I'm a birdie on the #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Wing #

Mike Chang: # But if I begin to #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Chirp #

Mike Chang: # They say who's the little #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Twerp #

Mike Chang: # Going pong instead of #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ping #

Mike Chang: # And when Christmas comes, and all my friends go #

New Directions: # Caroling... #

Mike Chang: # It is so dishearten #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ning #

Mike Chang: # It is so disquiet #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ting #

Mike Chang: # It is so discourage #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ging #

Mike Chang: # Darling, please stop answer #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ring #

Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #

Mike Chang: # I could never really #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #

Mike Chang: # What I couldn't do is #

New Directions: # Do re mi fa so la to do, do re mi fa so la ti do #

New Directions: # La #

Mike Chang: # La #

New Directions: # La #

Mike Chang: # La... #

New Directions: # Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing #

Mike Chang: # Sing! #

Will Schuester: Wow! Now, that is a duet! Thank you, Tina, for introducing us to the amazing voice of Mike Chang!

Brittany S. Pierce: That was good.

Finn Hudson: You tried to kiss her? Major Glee party foul, dude.

Sam Evans: Look, I know I shouldn't have. She was just sending me these vibes. And those eyes.

Rachel Berry: Hey, Quinn, can we talk?

Quinn Fabray: What do you want to talk about?

Rachel Berry: About Sam. I-I heard that you backed out of doing the duet with him.

Sam Evans: Maybe it's for the best she backed out. I mean, if that Puckerman kid ever gets out of jail, he's gonna beat my ass. I'm sure you still have feelings for her, too.

Finn Hudson: No, no, no way. I'm with Rachel now. I mean, she's a lot shorter than Quinn and she talks a lot, but I'm in love with her. Look, th-this isn't about dating, dude. This is about you singing with Quinn to raise your musical rep in the group.

Rachel Berry: Look, I understand that your reputation is important to you, but... wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to be on top of the proverbial pyramid in every aspect of your life?

Quinn Fabray: Singing with Sam won't change that.

Rachel Berry: Oh, but winning the competition will. And partnering with Sam is really your only shot at it.

Quinn Fabray: What's your angle?

Rachel Berry: Angle?

Quinn Fabray: What's your angle? Me winning means you losing, and you'll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen, so what is in it for you?

Rachel Berry: Look, I agree. Okay? You're probably not gonna beat Finn and I, but I just thought that, as the team captain, it would be good for the team to have some healthy competition for second place.

Finn Hudson: Look, I'm not saying you're gonna win, but I'm just saying that, you know, even coming in second would go a long way with the rest of the team.

Sam Evans: Hey. Listen, I was totally out of line with you. I promise it won't happen again, though you might have to wear sunglasses whenever we're together.

Quinn Fabray: Good. Because we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together practicing if we're gonna win that dinner at Breadstix.

Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh, yay... #
Just like that.

Brittany S. Pierce: # Oh, oh, yay... #

Artie Abrams: Tina used to make runs look so easy, but... I guess they aren't for everybody.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait.
# Oh, oh, yay... #
Nailed it.

Artie Abrams: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I just can't. I'm sorry.

Brittany S. Pierce: Uh, why... why can't you do this?

Artie Abrams: I thought I was over somebody, but I... I still think I have feelings for them.

Brittany S. Pierce: The Clintons?

Artie Abrams: Tina. I'm sorry.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, don't leave. You want to get over Tina, right? Let me help you.

Artie Abrams: What are you... what are you doing?

Brittany S. Pierce: I mean, you're on the football team now anyways. So... we're gonna get around to this at some point.

Artie Abrams: Hold up. Am I about to lose my virginity?

Brittany S. Pierce: Before our duet, we're gonna do it.

Rachel Berry: # Come give me #

Finn Hudson: # Oh... #

Rachel Berry: # Your sweetness #

Finn Hudson: # Oh, oh #

Rachel Berry: # Now there's you, there is no weakness #

Finn Hudson: # Now there's you, there is no weakness #

Rachel Berry: # Lying safe within your arms #
# I'm born again... #

Finn Hudson: # Woman, don't you know with you I'm born again #

Finn & Rachel: # I was half, not whole #
# Instead with none #
# Reaching through this world #
# In need of one #

Mercedes Jones: This isn't happening.

Finn & Rachel: # Come show me #
# Your kindness #
# In your arms I know I'll find this #
# Woman #
# Don't you know with you #
# I'm born again #
# Lying safe with you #
# I'm born #
# A... gain... #

Mercedes Jones: Okay, do I even need to say it?

Sam Evans: That was really rude.

Tina Cohen-Chang: It was, like, really rude.

Quinn Fabray: I seriously wanted to punch both of you.

Will Schuester: I have to agree. It's a great duet, but what you guys did with it was... really inappropriate. Your costume choice was a little insensitive. Frankly... I'm disappointed.

Rachel Berry: What?!

Finn Hudson: Are you serious? I'm...

Rachel Berry: Shocked.

Finn Hudson: Shocked.

Rachel Berry: We're... We're shocked. I-I... I really hope that this doesn't cost us the competition.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, uh...

Rachel Berry: Hey. Let's sit down. Come.

Will Schuester: Well, getting back on track, who's next? All right.

Sam Evans: Okay, I just want to say I'm really excited, and that I couldn't have asked for a better partner.
# Do you hear me? #
# I'm talking to you across the water #
# Across the deep blue ocean #
# Under the open sky #
# Oh, my, baby, I'm trying #

Quinn Fabray: # Boy, I hear you in my dreams #
# I feel your whisper across the sea #
# I keep you with me in my heart #
# You make it easier when life gets hard #

Sam & Quinn: # I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend #
# Lucky to have been where I have been #
# Lucky to be coming home again #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # They don't know #

Sam Evans: # They don't know #

Quinn Fabray: # How long it takes #

Sam Evans: # How long it takes #

Sam & Quinn: # Waiting for love like this #

Quinn Fabray: # Every time #

Sam Evans: # Every time #

Quinn Fabray: # We say good-bye #

Sam Evans: # We say good-bye #

Sam & Quinn: # I wish we had one more kiss #
# I'll wait for you, I promise you #
# I will #

Sam Evans: # I'm #

Sam & Quinn: # Lucky I'm in love with my best friend #
# Lucky to have been where I have been #
# Lucky to be coming home some day #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #

Santana Lopez: So frickin' charming.

Sam & Quinn: # Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

Brittany S. Pierce: You're-You're breaking up with me?

Artie Abrams: All you wanted was a free dinner at Breadstix.

Brittany S. Pierce: But I really wanted to go with you. I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I've been practicing nudging the meatballs across the table with my nose.

Artie Abrams: You used me for my voice. That's the only reason you had sex with me. I have it on good authority.

Santana Lopez: She's using you for your voice. That's the only reason she had sex with you.

Artie Abrams: Wait. How did you know that?

Santana Lopez: Hi. Excuse me. Do you know Brittany?

Man: Cheerios Brittany?

Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.

Man: Yeah. We had sex.

Santana Lopez: Hmm. Look, I don't mean to be a bitch-- well, yeah, actually, I do-- but the only thing that you can give Brittany that she can't get from someone else is ser choice parking.

Artie Abrams: I know that sex don't mean anything to you, but did you ever think how much it means to me? After my accident, we didn't know if I'd ever be able even to do that. And when I found out that I could, it seemed like some kind of miracle, and you just walked all over that. You're not my partner anymore. I told Mr. Schue I'm pulling out of the duet competition.

Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, I didn't know. I'm... I'm so sorry.

Will Schuester: Okay, since Artie and Brittany have dropped out of the race, I guess it's time to take it to a vote. Well, even though it looks like just about everyone voted for themselves-- even those who didn't compete-- we do have a winner. And the winner is... by two votes... Sam and Quinn.

Santana Lopez: What? What? Screw that! I want my stix!

Mercedes Jones: Ooh, let it go. Let go. Let it go!

Rachel Berry: Unbelievable.

Santana Lopez: It was mine!

Rachel Berry: No, I don't know how this happened.

Finn Hudson: Son.

Rachel Berry: Unbelievable.

Quinn Fabray: This is so not a date.

Finn Hudson: We did it, babe.

Rachel Berry: Hey, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, please not another pregnancy.

Rachel Berry: I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think.

Kurt Hummel: That's a terrible thing to say.

Rachel Berry: I know you're lonely. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can't act on for fear of being humiliated, ridiculed or worse. We're going to win Nationals this year, and you know how we're ing to do that? Because we have you.

Kurt Hummel: That's true.

Rachel Berry: That's 12 people who love you just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I'm know you're lonely, but... you're not alone. So, I was wondering if you would maybe want to sing a duet with me? I think you'll be really happy with my song selection. It's sort of everything that both you and I love.

Kurt Hummel: But the, uh, duet competition is over.

Rachel Berry: I know. I just... I thought this one could be for me and you.

Quinn Fabray: You know, I hear they don't even make these fresh. They fly them in frozen from some factory in the Dominican Republic.

Sam Evans: I once caught some pretty sweet waves down in the Dominican. Hey, hey, hey.

Quinn Fabray: Uh-uh.

Sam Evans: Come on. It's my Matthew McConaughey impression-- come on.

Quinn Fabray: Does that work on the girls where you're from? The impressions, the bad jokes, the Nav'i?

Sam Evans: Uh, I don't know. I don't know. I went to an all-boys boarding school.

Quinn Fabray: Makes sense.

Sam Evans: It must be hard. I think if I went through what you went through last year, I would have transferred to a school on the moon or something, out of embarrassment. Okay, that-that didn't come out right. I mean, you're really brave to come back like you have. I don't judge you or anything. I know what it's like to have a... secret that you're ashamed of.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, holy crap. So you... So you are gay?

Sam Evans: What? No. Not at all. When I found out I was moving here, I wanted to seem cool, you know? Figured if I looked like Swayze in Point Break, people might think I was a surfer or something. I didn't think it through very clearly. So... I put lemon juice in my hair. I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for Kurt and his sixth sense.

Quinn Fabray: I think it looks cute.

Sam Evans: Really? What are you doing?

Quinn Fabray: We're not using that. You're paying.

Sam Evans: Why?

Quinn Fabray: Because a gentleman always pays on the first date.

Kurt Hummel: # Forget your troubles #

Rachel Berry: # Happy days #

Kurt Hummel: # Come on get happy #

Rachel Berry: # Are here again #

Kurt Hummel: # You better chase #

Rachel Berry: # The skies #

Kurt Hummel: # All your cares away #

Rachel Berry: # Above are clear again #

Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #

Rachel Berry: # So let's sing a song #

Kurt Hummel: # Come on, get happy #

Rachel Berry: # Of cheer again #

Kurt Hummel: # Get ready for the judgment day #

Rachel Berry: # Happy days are here again #

Kurt Hummel: # The sun is shining #
# Come on get happy #

Rachel Berry: # Shining now #

Kurt Hummel: # The Lord is waiting #

Rachel Berry: # There's no one #

Kurt Hummel: # To take your hand #

Rachel Berry: # Who can doubt it now #

Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #

Rachel Berry: # So let's tell the world #

Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #

Rachel Berry: # About it now #

Kurt Hummel: # We're going #

Rachel Berry: # Happy days #

Kurt Hummel: # To the promised land #

Rachel Berry: # Are here again #

Kurt Hummel: # We're heading cross the river #
# Soon your cares will all be gone #

Rachel Berry: # They'll be no more from now on #

Kurt & Rachel: # From now on #

Kurt Hummel: # Forget your troubles #

Rachel Berry: # Oh, happy days #

Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #

Rachel Berry: # Are here again #

Kurt Hummel: # You better chase #

Rachel Berry: # The skies... #

Kurt Hummel: # All your blues away #

Rachel Berry: # Above are clear again #

Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #

Rachel Berry: # So let's sing a song #

Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #

Rachel Berry: # Of cheer again #
# Happy times #

Kurt Hummel: # Happy times #

Rachel Berry: # Happy nights #

Kurt Hummel: # Happy nights #

Kurt & Rachel: # Happy days #
# Are #
# Here #
# Again! #

Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Michael Rennie was ill #
# The day the earth stood still #
# But he told us where we stand #
# And Flash Gordon was there #
# In silver underwear #
# Claude rains was the invisible man #
# Then something went wrong #
# For fay Wray and king Kong #
# They got caught in a celluloid jam #
# Then at a deadly pace #
# It came from outer space #
# And this is how the message ran #
# Science fiction #
# Double feature #
# To the late night double feature #
# Picture show. #

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # In the velvet darkness #
# Of the blackest night #
# Burning bright #
# There's a guiding star #
# No matter what #
# Or who #
# Who you are #

Finn & Rachel: # There's a light #

New Directions: # Over at the frankenstein place #

Finn & Rachel: # There's a light #

New Directions: # Burning in the fireplace #

Finn & Rachel: # There's a light #
# Light in the darkness #
# Of everybody... #

Carl Howell: Schuester, you messing with my woman?

Will Schuester: I...

Carl Howell: I thought we had a deal.

Will Schuester: This is the face of a guy who stepped in it. How did it get to this? How did a production of Rocky Horror turn into... Ugh...My horror? It all started a week ago.

Will Schuester: Hey, Em.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Will Schuester: What's with your crusts? You-you always cut them off.

Emma Pillsbury: I must have forgotten this morning.

Will Schuester: Forgot?

Emma Pillsbury: Carl and I had the most amazing weekend. We hit the revival theater downtown for the midnight show of Rocky Horror.

Will Schuester: You're kidding.

Emma Pillsbury: No.

Will Schuester: Isn't that where everyone dresses up and yells stuff?

Emma Pillsbury: Yes, yeah. I mean, well, we don't dress up. At least not yet.

Will Schuester: Wait, isn't that theater a total dive?

Emma Pillsbury: It's disgusting, it's horrible.

Will Schuester: I know.

Emma Pillsbury: I mean, there isn't a surface that isn't covered in spilled soda, so you'd think it'd be a nightmare for me, right? But I don't know, I'm having so much fun that I don't even notice. Mm. And get this. You know how I've always been very anti-Halloween 'cause it totally freaks me out to think about eating candy that someone else has touched, right? Well, Carl and I are gonna dress up as characters from the show, and we're actually gonna go trick-or-treating!

Will Schuester: The sandwich, the dirty theater... he's actually making her better.

Emma Pillsbury: ...Go as Janet, because obviously, she's a ginger...

Will Schuester: He's winning. Why the hell didn't I think of taking her to that damn show? Oh, it's so weird that you brought up how much you love that show, because just last weekend, I decided to have the glee club perform Rocky Horror for the school musical this year.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow, Will.

Will Schuester: Yeah. Cool, right?

Emma Pillsbury: It's very, very cool. That's so...

Will Schuester: I mean, who knew that Rocky Horror was so important to both of us?

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Isn't there some pretty risqué material in there, though?

Will Schuester: Oh. Yeah, I mean, I'll probably have to make some edits here and there, but it's worth it to expose the kids to one of my favorite musicals of all time.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.

Will Schuester: I love that show.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow, yeah. Mm. Well, I'm thinking you're gonna have to edit the whole thing out if you're gonna get Sue and Figgins to sign off on it. But, um, that's really exciting.

Will Schuester: Right. Let's go, Rocky Horror.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, um, yep.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: So what are you gonna be for Halloween this year?

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm going as a peanut allergy.

Will Schuester: Great news, guys. I've had a little inspiration. This week's musical lesson isn't really a lesson. It's a musical.

Rachel Berry: Oh, please be Evita, please be Evita...

Will Schuester: Rocky Horror.

Finn Hudson: I've never seen it.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: Yep?

Rachel Berry: While I admire your choice of the groundbreaking '70s musical, aren't you worried that the adult themes might be a point of controversy?

Kurt Hummel: Seriously. A school in Texas couldn't even do rent. It caused an outrage and they had to cancel the show.

Will Schuester: Isn't that the whole point of the arts? Pushing boundaries, doing things people say you can't do for the sake of self-expression? I got it all figured out. I cut out some of the more risqué sections. And I'm sending home permission slips to all your parents to make sure that they're okay with it. And we're going to charge admission and use the proceeds to help pay for transportation to nationals in New York. Okay, let's talk about casting.

Rachel Berry: Oh, finn and I will play Brad and Janet.

Will Schuester: Ah!

Artie Abrams: And I'll be playing the guy in the wheelchair, right?

Will Schuester: That's what I was thinking. And I thought Kurt could play the role of Frank-N-Furter.

Kurt Hummel: No. There's no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.

Santana Lopez: Why? 'Cause that look was last season?

Mike Chang: I'll do it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? It's, like, the male lead.

Mike Chang: I know, but I'm feeling a little more confident about my singing voice after our duets project.

Will Schuester: Great! I have no problem with that. Now, we're a little short on female roles, so we're going to have to double up on columbias and magentas.

Rachel Berry: It's standard practice on Broadway. It'll preserve your voices.

Mercedes Jones: I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement.

Will Schuester: Sam. I'd like you to play the role of the creature.

Sam Evans: From the black lagoon?

Quinn Fabray: Rocky. He's like the frankenstein character, but blond. You'll kill the part. He's cute, just like you.

Santana Lopez: Better start working on those abs.

Sam Evans: Are you kidding me? You could cut glass with these babies. I have no problem showing off my body.

Will Schuester: Okay. Looks like we got ourselves a show.

Rachel Berry: So then after the time warp, riff raff aka Kurt takes us to Frank-N-Furter's lab.

Finn Hudson: I have no idea what's going on in this script, and it's not in a cool inception kind of way.

Rachel Berry: Just try, okay? All right, so, then they take off our wet clothes, and we do the rest of the scene in our underwear.

Finn Hudson: Wait, I'm in my tighty-whities?

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Finn Hudson: I can't be on stage, in front of the whole school in my tighty-whities. They're... Gonna be able to see my whole... business.

Rachel Berry: Come on. It will just be like going to the pool.

Finn Hudson: I wear a swim shirt at the pool. I tell everybody it's because I burn easily, but... Look... I know I'm a big athlete, and it's not manly or anything... but I'm kind of insecure about how I look.

Rachel Berry: Come on. You just... You know, you have a different body type. I don't look like Brittany or santana, but you still think I'm hot, right?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, of course.

Rachel Berry: So, then... You're just going to have to trust me that you're the hottest guy in school. Okay?

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Rachel Berry: Come her all right. So, then after that, Frank-N-Furter's going to come down and elevator, and when he comes down, we are scared. I might faint. Maybe a couple times.

Andrea Carmichael: ... Making it the zoo's first unitarian chimp wedding in over six years.

Rod Remington: And we certainly wish the couple well.

Andrea Carmichael: We are.

Rod Remington: And now, let's mosey on over to Sue's corner. Take it away, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Thanks, Rod. You know, Halloween is fast approaching, the day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls, and little girls to dress like whores, and go door-to-door, browbeating hardworking Americans into giving them free food. Well you know what, Western Ohio? We've lost the true meaning of Halloween. Fear. Halloween is that magical day of the year when a child is told their grandmother's a demon who's been feeding them rat casserole with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs. Children must know fear. Without it, they won't know how to behave. They'll try frenching grizzly bears or consider living in Florida. So, moms, skip trick-or-treating this year, and instead, sit your little toddler down and explain that daddy's a hungry zombie, and before he went out to sharpen his pitchfork, he whispered to mommy that you looked delicious. And that's how Sue sees it.

Rod Remington: Sue, you're the cat's pajamas. And we'll be right back.

Barry Jeffries: Hello, Sue. I'm Barry Jeffries. This is Tim Stanwick. We're the new local station managers down at WOHN.

Tim Stanwick: Do you mind if we sit?

Barry Jeffries: We loved Sue's corner last night.

Tim Stanwick: Oh, yeah.

Barry Jeffries: You know, we come from the world of cable news.

Tim Stanwick: And we have... ideas.

Barry Jeffries: You see, good news is about information. But great news is about fear. For example... Tim!

Tim Stanwick: Hmm?

Barry Jeffries: Did you hear about the swarm of africanized killer bees?

Tim Stanwick: No. Wouldn't it be awful to see an entire town overrun by killer bees?

Barry Jeffries: I'm sorry, did you just say, Tim, "an entire town overrun by killer bees"?

Tim Stanwick: Well, I ju...

Barry Jeffries: There's your quote.

Tim Stanwick: And you can replace "killer bees" with whatever you want! Terrorists!

Barry Jeffries: Mexicans!

Tim Stanwick: Mexican terrorists!

Barry Jeffries: Ants!

Tim Stanwick: Mexican terrorist ants!

Sue Sylvester: So, what can I do for you?

Tim Stanwick: Someone at this school is seeking the stage rights to Rocky Horror as this year's musical.

Barry Jeffries: I take it you know the show.

Sue Sylvester: When I was younger, I took my sister to the show. The audience was so enraged at having a disabled person in their midst, you know what they did? They threw toast at us. You want me to shut it down?

Barry Jeffries: No. No. We want you to do an expos? Proving that the secular progressive agenda has finally arrived here in the Lima, Ohio, school district.

Tim Stanwick: Sue, it's got a local Emmy written all over it.

Barry Jeffries: We have a deal?

Will Schuester: All right, places, Finn and Rachel. I want to start with "damn it, Janet."

Santana Lopez: Oh! I cannot wait till Finn takes his top off so we can all see the hotness underneath.

Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?

Brittany S. Pierce: You can't have sloppy Joes every day for lunch and think you can get away with it.

Rachel Berry: Um... that's incredibly rude.

Quinn Fabray: Is it? Guys whisper behind our backs about how we girls look every day. They objectify us all the time.

Tina Cohen-Chang: She sort of has a point.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, earlier today, Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I'm done with the ostrich eggs I'm smuggling in my bra.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm super looking forward to seeing Sam in his gold bikini.

Sam Evans: It's gonna be ab-ulous.

Finn Hudson: Can we get on with rehearsal, please?

Rachel Berry: Yeah!

Will Schuester: I agree! Yes. Let's stay focused, guys. All right... Riff raff and Columbia and magenta, team one. Take your places. Let's rock and roll.

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: Hey, Janet...

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Yes, Brad?

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: I've got something to say.

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Uh-huh.

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: I really loved the... skillful way... You beat the other girls... to the bride's bouquet.

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Oh, Brad!

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # The river was deep, but I swam it #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # The future is ours, so let's plan it #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # So please don't tell me to can it #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # I've one thing to say #
# And that's damn it, Janet, I love you #
# The road was long, but I ran it Janet... #
# There's a fire in my heart and you fan it #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # If there's one fool for you, then I am it... #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # I've one thing to say #
# And that's damn it, Janet, I love you #
# Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker #
# There's three ways that love can grow #
# That's good, bad or mediocre #
# Oh, j-a-n-e-t, I love you so #

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # It's nicer than Betty Munroe had #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Oh, Brad #

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # Now we're engaged and I'm so glad #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Oh, Brad #

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # That you've met mom and you know dad #

Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Oh, Brad #

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # I've one thing to say #
# And that's Brad, I'm mad for you, too... #

Sue Sylvester: What made you think you could get away with doing this show without my knowledge?

Will Schuester: I didn't; I was hoping just to run out the clock until it was too late to stop us.

Sue Sylvester: Who says I want to stop you? I appreciate how Rocky Horror pushes boundaries.

Will Schuester: So you're not gonna fight us?

Sue Sylvester: Perhaps not. I just want to be involved, Will. The arts matter.

Will Schuester: Fine. Join us. Play the part of the criminologist. We need someone with authority.

Sue Sylvester: Done.

Will Schuester: Great. We rehearse tonight.

Sue Sylvester: Fantastic. Give me time to do my rewrites.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry?

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, it says right here in my contract that I get final script approval. And I wouldn't fight it, Will. I'm a notary public. See you on the boards, buddy.

Sam Evans: 75... Chicken, egg whites, fish... no salmon... oatmeal, brown rice, but not after 6:00 P.M. No butter or oil and no soda.

Finn Hudson: That's all you eat?

Sam Evans: Ain't no carpool lane to sexy.

Artie Abrams: Damn straight.

Finn Hudson: I don't know, man, I never used to think about this stuff. I mean, we're guys. When did this start to matter?

Artie Abrams: I personally blame the Internet. Once Internet porn was invented, girls could watch without having to make that embarrassing trip to the video store. Internet porn altered the female brain chemistry, making them more like men. And thus more concerned with our bodies.

Finn Hudson: But doesn't it get exhausting thinking about what you eat, like, working out like a madman?

Sam Evans: Nah. I mean, if I miss a workout or eat a hot dog, I hate myself for a few days, but the fact is, if I want to be cool, if I want to get Quinn for good, I got to look the part. You get up on that stage and look like the Pillsbury doughboy, no way you're staying popular. Come on, let's do some squats.

Will Schuester: I think maybe that's why Sue's been such a bully all along. She really just wants to be included. Listen... I really don't want to overstep my boundaries here, but I really need your help. I-I need to find all these costumes, and nobody knows Rocky Horror like you. I don't know, would you mind coming on board as my costume designer?

Emma Pillsbury: Are you serious? You're not kidding? I would love to! I'd love to!

Will Schuester: Well, it's gonna be a lot of work, and we're gonna be spending a lot of time together.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes, it's a dream come true! I mean, the costume designing is a dream come true; Not the spending a lot of time... not that spending a lot of time wouldn't be, but it... because of Carl... I've got the Carl.

Will Schuester: Yeah, Carl. Yeah.

Mike Chang: Mr. Schue? My parents read the script, and they're pulling me out of Rocky Horror.

Will Schuester: What?

Mike Chang: I really want to do it, but they're just not cool with me dressing up like a tranny. I hate to let you down, but I'm out.

Sue Sylvester: Becky... That is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen.

Becky Jackson: Thanks, coach.

Sue Sylvester: There's only one thing missing. Go scream at some fatties. Oh, and Becky, next year, when you trick or treat as me, you'll need to be clutching a bright, glittering local Emmy.

Will Schuester: Uh, Sue, I've got some bad news. We lost our Frank-N-Furter, and I can't find a replacement. Musical's canceled.

Carl Howell: Yeah, that's cute, that's good. Look at this. See? I'm gonna have to squeeze into this. They were out of the latex panties, so I got the see-through, see? Look.

Sue Sylvester: Take your sick, perverted sex games out of this school!

Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, Sue, this is not what it looks like...

Sue Sylvester: I should have known. People who dress like librarians... all sex addicts.

Carl Howell: I'm sorry. And you are?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, okay. Carl, meet Sue. Sue, this is my boyfriend Carl.

Carl Howell: Sue, how do you do? Okay. I was just showing Emma my Halloween costume. We're both sort of Rocky Horror fans.

Emma Pillsbury: Sort of?

Carl Howell: Well...

Emma Pillsbury: Sort of?

Carl Howell: Yeah!

Emma Pillsbury: Please! Carl knows the lyrics to every single song.

Carl Howell: Every song.

Emma Pillsbury: He has an amazing voice, too, so...

Carl Howell: Well, for a dentist.

Emma Pillsbury: For a dentist...

Sue Sylvester: Oh, oh!

Carl Howell: You okay?

Sue Sylvester: Oh! Yeah, Carl, it's just... My heart is, uh... is breaking just a little bit. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I am a huge proponent of the arts in schools, and, well, even at this very school, gosh, we're failing, and, uh, you know, when the kids don't have arts, they turn to drugs and... With drugs comes tooth loss and... Are you ready for a chilling statistic? 70% of all teeth in this school are wooden.

Emma Pillsbury: Seventy percent?

Carl Howell: Is there anything I can do to help?

Will Schuester: I don't understand.

Carl Howell: Well, you guys have a hole to fill, and I'm just trying to help fill it.

Santana Lopez: Wanky.

Emma Pillsbury: Santana!

Will Schuester: Well, you know, I can't just give you a role. You'd have to try out.

Carl Howell: Fair enough, but I'll need a lady to sing to. Ems?

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Carl Howell / Eddie: "Hot patootie." B-flat.
# Whatever happened to Saturday night #
# When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? #
# It don't seem the same since cosmic light #
# Came into my life, I thought I was divine #
# I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go #
# And listen to the music on the radio #
# A saxophone was blowin' on a rock and roll show #
# You'd climb in the back seat, really had a good time #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
Come on.
# My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled #
# My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt #
# I'd taste her baby pink lipstick #
# And that's when I'd melt #
# She whispered in my ear tonight she really was mine #
# Get back in front, put some hair oil on #
# Buddy holly was singing his very last song #
# With your arms around your girl, you'd try to sing along #
# You felt pretty good, whoo, you really had a good time #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll! #

New Directions: Yeah!

Sue Sylvester: No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. This will not do.

Carl Howell: Excuse me?

Sue Sylvester: For this musical to continue, we need a Frank-N-Furter, not an Eddie. Eddie was eliminated in my rewrites.

Will Schuester: Sue's right. You want to play in our sandbox, sing a Frank-N-Furter number.

Carl Howell: Well, I'm sorry, bro, but I think it's fine to wear that Frankie bustier in the privacy of your own home... I'm freaky like that... but don't you think it's a little inappropriate in a high school musical? I mean, at least if I play Eddie, I won't have to grind up against the students. You know, Eddie's an important role. If I did it, I'd be showing my support for the arts.

Will Schuester: Are you telling me how to direct my show?

Carl Howell: Will, Will...

Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue... I'd like to play Frank-N-Furter. I was rereading the script yesterday, and it said "don't dream it, be it." And it's my dream to play a lead role, so I figure, why not me? I mean, I'd be all kind of crazy sexy in that outfit. And I can reinterpret the number a little bit... make it more modern. I'd really like the chance, Mr. Schue.

Sue Sylvester: Well, there you go, Will. You killed two birds with one stone here today... congratulations. Look, you got yourself a Frank-N-Furter and an Eddie. This is outstanding.

Will Schuester: Are you ready for our first dress rehearsal?

Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys... places!

Finn Hudson: Uh, Mr. Schue? Uh... I know I'm supposed to be in my underwear for this scene, and I'm totally down with that. I thought maybe I would save it for the opening, if that's okay.

Sam Evans: Um, also, miss Pillsbury, is there a way I could... Wear, like, some gold board shorts or something? These are really short. I'm afraid I'm gonna show off some nuttage.

Emma Pillsbury: Well...

Will Schuester: We'll take a note. We can't stop, guys. It's a dress rehearsal. Come on, keep going. And... Action!

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Oh, Brad, let's get out of here. I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm just plain scared.

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: Well, I'm here. There's nothing to worry about.

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: # How do you do, I #
# See you met my #
# Faithful handyman #
# He's just a little broke down #
# 'Cause wouldn't you know #
# He thought you were the candy man #
# Don't get strung out #
# By the way I look #
# Don't judge a book by its cover #
# I'm not much of a girl #
# By the light of day #
# But by night, I'm one hell of a lover #
# I'm just a sweet transvestite #
# From sin... sational #
# Transylvania #
# Why don't you stay for the night #

Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Night. #

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: # Or maybe a bite #

Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # Bite. #

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: # I could show you my favorite obsession #
# I've been making a man #
# With blond hair and a tan #
# And he's good for relieving my tension #
# I'm just a sweet transvestite #
# A sweet transvestite #
# From sin... sational #
# Transylvania #
# Hey, hey #
# I'm just a sweet transvestite #
# A sweet transvestite #
# From sin... sational #
# Transylvania. #
So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...

Mercedes, Emma & Will: ... pation!

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: # But maybe the rain #
# Isn't really to blame #
# So I'll remove the cause #
# But not the symptom! #

Emma Pillsbury: Now that's an entrance.

Carl Howell: Mr. Director, I take that wall out right?

Will Schuester: You're two acts early, Carl. You're supposed to bust through the dinner party scene.

Carl Howell: Oh... well, actually, I was sort of feeling my entrance in this scene.

Emma Pillsbury: Such good, good, interesting impulses. Oh!

Will Schuester: Bravo, Carl, bravo.

Emma Pillsbury: Will? Hey, I got your note you wanted to see me.

Will Schuester: We have a problem with the show. It's Carl.

Emma Pillsbury: Really? I thought he was perfect.

Will Schuester: I agree, but, uh... What he said during his audition, it's-it's-it's-it's haunted me. He's right. Some of these parts are just too adult for kids to play.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yeah, well, I have to agree, Will. You know? Especially Sam.

Will Schuester: Sam! Right. He seems so uncomfortable.

Emma Pillsbury: I know. I... yeah.

Will Schuester: So I spoke with him.

Sam Evans: Is there something wrong with my body?

Will Schuester: Your body's fine, Sam. But, frankly, I think the role's a little too risqué for a student.

Sam Evans: I did feel kind of... embarrassed. Who's gonna play Rocky?

Will Schuester: Uh, I guess I have to.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm-I'm sorry?

Will Schuester: I figured if Carl can play Eddie, then... I can play Rocky.

Emma Pillsbury: Hmm.

Will Schuester: Thing is, I'm not as familiar with the libretto as you are, and I can really use your help rehearsing.

Emma Pillsbury: Uh... I'm... are-are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, you'll be a great Rocky. You look really, really great... h-healthy, but I mean, you're a teacher.

Will Schuester: Which is why I should do it. It will give the show a little more credibility, you know?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh.

Will Schuester: So... think you could help me out? I mean, I have to have "touch-a touch me" down by rehearsal tomorrow.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, okay.

Will Schuester: Okay?

Emma Pillsbury: Um... well, I guess, if you want to start over there, and I will start here.

Will Schuester: Right. Good, good, good, good. Good. So let's just, uh, just imagine that we're all alone in Frank-N-Furter's laboratory... alone.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # I was feeling done in #
# Couldn't win #
# I'd only ever kissed before... #

Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # You mean she...? #

Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Uh-huh. #

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # I felt there's no use getting #
# Into heavy sweating #
# It only leads to trouble and #
# Bad fretting #
# Now all I want to know #
# Is how to go #
# I've tasted blood and I want more #

Brittany & Santana: # More, more, more #

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # I'll put up no resistance #
# I want to stay the distance #
# I've got an itch to scratch #
# I need assistance #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #
# I want to be dirty #
# Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night #
# Then if anything shows #
# While you pose #
# I'll oil you up and drop you down #

Brittany & Santana: # Down, down, down #

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # And that's just one small fraction #
# Of the main attraction #

Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Oh! #

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # I want a friendly man #

Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # Oh! #

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # And I need action #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #
# I want to be dirty #
# Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #

Santana Lopez / Magenta: # I want to be dirty #

Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night #
# Uh-huh! #

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # Oh! #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #
# Oh, I want to be dirty #
# Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night... #

Will Schuester / Rocky Horror: # Creature of the night #

Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # Creature of the night #

Carl Howell / Eddie: # Creature of the night #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # Creature of the night #

Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Creature of the night #

Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # Creature of the night #

Will Schuester / Rocky Horror: # Creature... of the night #

Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # Creature of the night! #

Will Schuester: I...

Emma Pillsbury: I, uh...

Will Schuester: I...

Emma Pillsbury: I, uh...

Sam Evans: Whoa, whoa...

Finn Hudson: Ah, wow, yeah. I would've had it.

Sam Evans: Yeah, sure. Not that big.

Finn Hudson: Where you been? You're late.

Sam Evans: Sorry. I spaced. I'm not playing Rocky anymore.

Finn Hudson: You're kidding. Who is?

Sam Evans: Mr. Schue. I totally blew this. I shouldn't have made all those demands about my costume. I just feel, I feel fat, like I had rolls hanging over those gold shorts.

Finn Hudson: But you're in perfect shape, dude. Wait, since I said I'm uncomfortable in the tighty-whities, does that mean I'm gonna get replaced next?

Sam Evans: No, you don't have to worry about that. The "Brad" part isn't about looking hot. It's about being confident in who you are and how you look, no matter how douchey you are. That's guy's totally cool being uncool.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm definitely not there. I actually started showering with my shirt on.

Sam Evans: Look, stop knocking yourself out in here. Just be you and the sexy will flow through.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I don't need to hide behind my muscles, like you do.

Sam Evans: Awesome. I think. Are you insulting me? Where are you going?

Finn Hudson: To show everyone how hot and sexy I am.

Sam Evans: Oh, wow. Damn those cool ranch doritos.

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Eddie... I've seen him.

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Eddie? What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see... Eddie happens to be my nephew.

Sue Sylvester: This play is terrible.

Will Schuester: Finn's line: "Dr. Scott!"

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Janet!

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Dr. Scott!

Will Schuester: Finn's line: "Janet!"

Sue Sylvester: I'm so bored I just fell into a micro-sleep.

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Brad!

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Rocky!

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Janet.

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Dr. Scott!

Will Schuester: Still being Finn: "Janet!"

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Brad!

Sue Sylvester: None of this is plausible.

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Rocky!

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Janet!

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Dr. Scott!

Will Schuester: Finn's line: "Janet!"

Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Brad!

Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Rocky.

Sue Sylvester: This play has incredible pacing problems.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, it is pointless to rehearse this scene without Finn.

Will Schuester: We don't have a choice. He's late and he's not answering his phone. We gotta get this timing down, guys. And would you please stop interjecting your opinions, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Opinions? These are my rewrites.

Principal Figgins: William, I'd like to see you in my office, please.

Will Schuester: Suspended? For what?

Finn Hudson: I sort of walked down the hall in my Rocky Horror costume.

Azimio Adams: Whoa! Nice panties, baby Huey!

Dave Karofsky: Hey, my grandpa Murray called. He wants his boxers back.

Will Schuester: Why would you do that?

Finn Hudson: I was trying to get comfortable in my costume. You don't understand how hard it is for us guys to be exposed like that. Just thought maybe it would make me feel hot enough to get up on stage and sing in my underwear.

Principal Figgins: I'm recommending one month's suspension and summer school to make up for any lost class time.

Will Schuester: Can we have a moment alone please? You can't do this to him. He was just coming to rehearsal in his costume... that's not a crime.

Principal Figgins: Nine children have already signed up for after-school therapy. I had to bring in a grief counselor.

Will Schuester: Last year when the cheerios won the national championship, Santana pantsed Brittany, and she was wearing a lot less than her underwear. Neither of them were suspended.

Principal Figgins: That was in the middle of a celebration.

Will Schuester: But there's still a precedent. Huh?

Principal Figgins: Fine. A warning.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Principal Figgins: William? To be honest, your motivations for doing this production are murky to me, considering all that you're risking if something goes too far.

Will Schuester: What are you saying?

Principal Figgins: I'm saying that you're welcome to continue with this, but if you get any heat about it, I won't be able to protect you. You're putting you and your glee club on the line, and I want you to be sure that whatever you're doing it for is worth it.

Finn & Rachel: #There's a... #

Carl Howell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Schuester, you messing with my woman? I thought we had a deal.

Will Schuester: I, uh... I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.

Carl Howell: Yes, you do, because Emma and I have a full disclosure policy... total honesty. Something that allows us to have a little thing I like to call intimacy. Something you clearly know nothing about.

Will Schuester: Look, we were just rehearsing.

Carl Howell: Stop it, bro. Man-to-man, you gave me your word.

Will Schuester: So, what, you quitting the show?

Carl Howell: No, no, no, no. Unlike you I believe in the power of the arts. I don't just use them to pick up other guys' chicks.

Becky Jackson: Trick or treat!

Will Schuester: Oh, geez, Becky, I forgot that "take back the night club" was going door-to-door this evening.

Becky Jackson: I want my chocolate bar.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry. I've been working so hard on Rocky Horror, I forgot to buy candy.

Becky Jackson: Rocky Horror is an abomination.

Will Schuester: What did you just say?

Becky Jackson: That's what coach Sue says on her tape. It's in her office. I'll show you.

Sue Sylvester: So I went undercover to expose what your tax dollars are funding in our public schools in the name of the arts. Now, I'm all about personal freedom. I've publicly voiced my support for that lady who wants to marry her own sores. But just because you're free to say whatever you want, doesn't always mean you should. Artists are free to push boundaries to make art. But when pushing boundaries is their only aim, the result is usually bad art. There's a time and a place for everything, and squeamishness about what we want our children exposed to is not the same as bigotry. Freedom-loving adults are free to have an open, lively debate about what we want our society to be. But let's not make our children fight the culture war for us. They deserve a little bit better than that. And that's... how Sue sees it.

Becky Jackson: Give me chocolate or I will cut you.

Will Schuester: Sue, you set me up.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, there, William. Root through anyone's personal belongings lately?

Will Schuester: When were you planning on airing that?

Sue Sylvester: Opening night. That's why I pretaped it. Oh, I know you're furious, Will. But do you honestly believe anything I said was unreasonable?

Will Schuester: Well... No.

Sue Sylvester: There are limits, Will. There is a line. And for reasons I suspect have nothing to do with your kids, you crossed it. You can't yell fire in a crowded theatre, and you can't expose kids to material like this. Not on the taxpayer's dime.

Will Schuester: Oh, please, Sue! They have the Internet. They are exposed!

Sue Sylvester: Don't lead them to it. Don't make it okay. They're kids! And now more than ever, high school is a dangerous place, and it's our job to guide them through it safely. And we still get to torture them along the way. It's a fabulous system.

Will Schuester: You're right. I-I'm pulling the show.

Sue Sylvester: Wait. What?

Will Schuester: I'm canceling the show. You were right. I was totally wrong.

Sue Sylvester: Well, shouldn't you wait until opening night? I mean, the kids worked so hard...

Will Schuester: Sorry, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, do it for the kids, Will. I need that local Emmy, Will!

Emma Pillsbury: Are you sure you want to cancel the whole thing?

Will Schuester: I never should've tried to put it on in the first place. The reality is... I only did all this to get close to you.

Emma Pillsbury: I guess love can make you do some crazy things. You know?

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, Emma. And I promise to never abuse our feelings for each other again. I mean, let's face it. Carl's actually making you better. And if I really love you... I need to back off and accept the fact that... At least for now, being with him is the best thing for you.

Emma Pillsbury: So, what are you going to tell the kids?

Will Schuester: I want to apologize for putting you guys through all this... particularly Finn and Sam.

Finn Hudson: It's cool, Mr. Schue. I'm sure the teasing will die down by the time my tenth reunion rolls around.

Sam Evans: And I got asked to be June in the men of McKinley high calendar.

Will Schuester: I'm happy for you. But we still can't do the musical. Look, I was wrong. Rocky Horror isn't about pushing boundaries or making an audience accept a certain rebellious point of view. Those were my reasons for doing it, and they aren't worth risking what we have here for. And when I was younger, and they started midnight shows of Rocky Horror, it wasn't for envelope pushers. It was for outcasts, people on the fringes who had no place left to go, but were searching for someplace, anyplace, where they felt like they belonged. Sound familiar? The truth is, with that perspective, Rocky Horror is the perfect show for this club.

Santana Lopez: Well, then why aren't we putting it on?

Will Schuester: We're still going to perform Rocky Horror. We're just not doing it for an audience. We're doing it for ourselves.

Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # It's astounding.
# Time is fleeting. #
# Madness... takes its toll. #
# But listen closely. #

Quinn Fabray / Magenta: # Not for very much longer. #

Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # I've got to keep control. #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # I remember doing the time-warp #
# Drinking those moments when #
# The blackness would hit me #

Finn & Quinn: # And a void would be calling #

New Directions: # Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # It's just a jump to the left. #

New Directions: # And then a step to the right #

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # Put your hands on your hips. #

New Directions: # You bring your knees in tight #
# That really drives you insane #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #

Quinn Fabray / Magenta: # It's so dreamy #
# Oh, fantasy free me #
# So you can't see me, no, not at all #
# In another dimension #
# With voyeuristic intentions #
# Well secluded, oh, I see it all #

Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # With a bit of a mind flip. #

Quinn Fabray / Magenta: # You're into the time slip. #

Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # And nothing can ever be the same. #

Quinn Fabray / Magenta: # You're spaced out on sensation, ow! #

Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # Like you're under sedation #

New Directions: # Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #

Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # Well, I was walking down the street just a-having a think #
# When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink #

Tina Cohen-Chang / Columbia: # He shook me up, he took me by surprise #
# He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes #
# He stared at me and I felt a change #
# Time meant nothing, never would again #

New Directions: # Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # It's just a jump to the left. #

New Directions: # And then a step to the right #

Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # Put your hands on your hips. #

New Directions: # You bring your knees in tight #
# But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee. Puck tried to steal an ATM and got himself stuck in juvie.

Noah Puckerman: As far as badasses go, I'm number one.

Ian Brennan: Sam and Quinn are sort of a couple, and so are Mike and Tina. Artie and Brittany went out, but then he sort of dumped her, and now he sort of wants her back. Kurt's pretty lonely all by himself, and so is Coach Beiste. Sue keeps trying to get her to quit.

Shannon Beiste: Are those dog poop cookies?

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Sam Evans: Phew. Ooh.

Finn Hudson: Dude. How do you stand that cold tub?

Sam Evans: I'm used to cold showers dating Quinn.

Quinn Fabray: No.

Sam Evans: How about a little something-something?

Quinn Fabray: A little something-something always leads to something more. I've been there, remember? When we're prom king and queen, it will feel just as good as a little something-something.

Finn Hudson: Been there, dude. Actually, still there now, but how did we find the only two girls in high school that won't put out?

Sam Evans: What do you do, though?

Finn Hudson: Well, easy. I just think about the opposite of what I'm doing.

Carole Hudson: Oh, my God!

Sam Evans: I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before.

Finn Hudson: Well, you have to find something to be your own buzz kill. You know, something that is total not hot.

Shannon Beiste: I don't care! If you're on this football team, you'll wear a cup, no exceptions!

Finn Hudson: Hey, have you ever noticed that when the Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?

Shannon Beiste: ... in your groin with that helmet? You think The Nutcracker's just a musical?

Sam Evans: Looks like I've found my mailman.

Finn Hudson: Yes, you did.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I take it we have a lot of sweater trains to look forward to this season. Are you okay?

Kurt Hummel: Yeah. Fine.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, let's get down to business. First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman. Puck, I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.

Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.

Quinn Fabray: Wow, what a catch. Can't believe I ever let you go.

Will Schuester: And now, drum roll, Finn. Because I have in my hand our competition for Sectionals next month. First, the a capella choir from the all-boys' private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.

Santana Lopez: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.

Will Schuester: And the other team to beat— The Hipsters, a first-year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.

Rachel Berry: Is that legal?

Mercedes Jones: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?

Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good-luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis.

Will Schuester: Moving on. Since it seemed to get you guys jazzed about Sectionals last year, I want to make this week our second annual Boys Versus Girls tournament. So, split up into two groups, and figure out what songs you're going to sing.

Rachel Berry: Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my head.

Will Schuester: Kurt, gonna say it again— boys' team.

Mercedes Jones: Okay, how about y'all...?

Sam Evans: I say we do a whole AC/DC. Like, the lead guitarist, like, drops his pants at every concert.

Finn Hudson: Mm-hmm, yeah.

Sam Evans: Pants here...

Artie Abrams: I know it's not my place to ask, but can you push me down the back staircase? My injuries should be the same, but it's more lightly populated, so the humiliation won't be as bad.

Noah Puckerman: Relax. I'm here to take care of you. You're my boy now.

Artie Abrams: I don't understand.

Noah Puckerman: I got out of juvie early because I agreed to do community service, but I ain't pickin' up trash along the freeway. That's ghetto. So I told my probie officer that I knew a cripple that needed some help. She went for it.

Artie Abrams: I'm your community service?

Noah Puckerman: There's no way I'm going back to juvie. There's no chicks and no kosher meal options up in that place.

Artie Abrams: Cool. So we're, like, friends.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, slow down, Professor X. I never said anything about liking you. Now shut up right quick. We're going to steal some food from the cafeteria. This chair's a great place for hiding stuff.

Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?!

Dave Karofsky: You talking back to me? You want a piece of The Fury?

Kurt Hummel: The Fury?

Dave Karofsky: That's what I named my fist.

Kurt Hummel: Well, with that level of creativity, you could easily become assistant manager at a rendering plant.

Dave Karofsky: I don't know what that is, but if I find out it's bad, The Fury's going to find you.

Will Schuester: Is there anything that I could do?

Kurt Hummel: No. This is my hill to climb alone.

Will Schuester: Can I be honest? I think it's getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back, but lately, you've been belligerent, angry, pushing people away.

Kurt Hummel: Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive. Boys Versus Girls? That doesn't challenge any of us.

Will Schuester: You mean, because I didn't let you join the girls like you wanted?

Kurt Hummel: To answer your question, yes, I'm unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down, but most of all, I'm not challenged in the least here.

Will Schuester: Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here.

Brittany S. Pierce: I've totally done that.

Will Schuester: We're just making an adjustment. Boys, you are now doing songs traditionally sung by girl groups. And girls, try some classic rock— uh, the Who, the Stones. The more opposite your choice, the more points you get.

Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, gentlemen. I have this one under control.

Kurt Hummel: Now, obviously, for this medley to work, I'm going to have to sing lead, and, of course, when you're singing Diana Ross, Bob Mackie-esque maribou feather boas are a must.

Artie Abrams: Isn't this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in a sequined gown and a feather boa is exactly what you'd expect.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, who said anything about a gown?

Noah Puckerman: Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful, and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the garglers?

Kurt Hummel: The Warblers.

Noah Puckerman: Whatever. See what they're up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You'll blend right in.

Kurt Hummel: Fine.

Quinn Fabray: Is this hot enough for you? Say my name, Sam. I said, say my name.

Shannon Beiste: I said, say my name.

Sam Evans: Beiste.

Quinn Fabray: Are you okay?

Sam Evans: Yeah. I could do this for hours.

Quinn Fabray: I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it: "Beiste." I think he was picturing making out with her.

Sue Sylvester: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.

Quinn Fabray: Coach, I need help. I've done everything I can to rehabilitate my image. I'm getting straight A's, dating the cutest guy at school.

Sue Sylvester: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear God, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. Do you know what kind of disgusting images I'm going to have to look at to get this out of my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.

Quinn Fabray: Coach, I really don't know what to do.

Sue Sylvester: Wait. This may be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.

Quinn Fabray: What do I have to do?

Sue Sylvester: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this, make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud and in public. Show him who's the boss. Oh, man. Now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episode of Who's the Boss?

Artie Abrams: Shouldn't you be studying geometry? Aren't you failing?

Noah Puckerman: One thing I learned in juvie? Cash is king. Lets people know we're not doing it for free.

Artie Abrams: Wait, you think people are going to pay us to sing? I don't think busking is allowed in school.

Noah Puckerman: Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair.

Artie Abrams: This is so, so badass. I've never broken the rules like this.

Noah Puckerman: # One love #
# One heart #
# Let's get together and feel all right #

Artie Abrams: # Hear the children crying #

Noah Puckerman: # One love #

Artie Abrams: # Hear the children crying #

Noah Puckerman: # One heart #

Artie & Noah: # Sayin' give thanks and praise #
# To the Lord and I will feel all right #

Noah Puckerman: # Sayin' #

Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right #
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa #

Artie Abrams: # Let them all pass all their dirty remarks #
# There is one question I'd really love to ask #

Noah Puckerman: # One heart #
# Is there a place for the hopeless sinner #
# Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own? #

Artie Abrams: # Believe me #
# One love #

Noah Puckerman: # What about the one heart? #

Artie Abrams: # One heart #

Noah Puckerman: # What about love? #

Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right #

Artie Abrams: # As it was in the beginning #

Noah Puckerman: # One love #

Artie Abrams: # So shall it be in the end #

Noah Puckerman: # One heart #

Artie Abrams: # All right #

Noah Puckerman: # Give thanks and praise to the Lord #

Artie Abrams: # Oh #

Artie & Noah: # And I will feel all right #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah #

Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right. #

Artie Abrams: Holy crap, there's, like, 300 bucks in here.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear.

Artie Abrams: I can. It's about 300 bucks. What are we going to do with it?

Noah Puckerman: Buy a butt load of clove cigarettes, then I don't know. You want her? You don't need any cash for that. She's free.

Artie Abrams: She was my first. Now I-I think I want her back.

Noah Puckerman: So go get her.

Artie Abrams: It's not that simple. I was kind of mean to her when I blew her off.

Noah Puckerman: This is perfect. The thing about chicks is you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them to get them to like you again.

Artie Abrams: So what do we do?

Noah Puckerman: Here's a little community service coming at you. You and I are gonna take this dough and go on a double date with Santana and Brittany to the Styx.

Artie & Noah: Yeah!

Noah Puckerman: Best community servicer ever, right?

Kurt Hummel: Excuse me. Um, hi. Can I ask you a question? I'm new here.

Blaine Anderson: My name's Blaine.

Kurt Hummel: Kurt. So, what exactly is going on?

Blaine Anderson: The Warblers. Every now and then they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons. It tends to shut the school down for a while.

Kurt Hummel: So, wait, the glee club here is kind of cool?

Blaine Anderson: The Warblers are like rock stars. Come on. I know a shortcut.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, I stick out like a sore thumb.

Blaine Anderson: Well, next time don't forget your jacket, new kid. You'll fit right in. Now, if you'll excuse me.
# Before you met me #
# I was all right #
# But things were kind of heavy #
# You brought me to life #
# Now every February #
# You'll be my Valentine #
# Valentine #
# Let's go all #
# The way tonight #
# No regrets #

The Warblers: # Ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # Just love #
# We can dance #
# Until we die, you and I #
# Will be young forever #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream #
# The way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep #
# Let's run away #
# And don't ever look back #
# Don't every look #
# Let's go #
# All the way #
# Tonight #
# No regrets #
# Just love #
# We can dance #
# Until we die #
# You and I #
# Will be young forever #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream, the way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep, let's run away #
# And don't ever look back #
# Don't ever look, I'm gonna get #
# Your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight #

The Warblers: # Ooh, ah... #
# Ooh, ooh #
# Ooh... #
# Ah... #
# Ah, ah #

Blaine Anderson: # Yeah...! #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream #
# The way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep #
# Let's run away and don't #
# Ever look back #
# Don't ever look back #
# My heart #
# Stops when you look at me #
# Just one touch, now, baby #
# I believe #
# This is real #
# So take a chance and don't ever look back #
# Don't ever look back #
# I'm gonna get your #
# Heart racing in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight #
# Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight. #

Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait. That's hilarious. Picturing Beiste helps cool you off?

Mike Chang: That's what Sam said.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? Well, then let's get a room. I love making out under the stars. With those abs, you could be my very own situation.

Mike Chang: Slow down. Can't get caught in here. We should probably cool off.

Tina Cohen-Chang: But I'm so turned on right now.

Shannon Beiste: This'll cool you down a little bit.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Beiste.

Mike Chang: What did you say?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Nothing. I got to go. I'll see you in Glee Club.

Mike Chang: Beiste?

Quinn Fabray: Just be honest with me— I won't get mad at you if you tell me the truth. I'll be relieved.

Sam Evans: Really? Because it looks like you're gonna be mad no matter what I say.

Quinn Fabray: You said another woman's name while you were kissing me. Look, I get it— she's in a position of power over you, which can be exciting, and you clearly like women who give you a hard time.

Sam Evans: I'm not cheating on you with my football coach. Look, can we talk about this in private?

Quinn Fabray: Why, am I embarrassing you?

Sam Evans: It's not what you think.

Quinn Fabray: What I think is that I'm not putting out for you, so you're getting it wherever you can, including the locker room with the Beiste.

Shannon Beiste: What's this?

Quinn Fabray: This is a lovers quarrel and is your fault.

Shannon Beiste: Watch your tone with me, missy. You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off.

Quinn Fabray: I'll leave you two.

Will Schuester: Everything okay?

Mike Chang: Stay away from my woman.

Shannon Beiste: What hell's going on around here?

Will Schuester: What's going on, Sam?

Will Schuester: How many of the guys have done this?

Sam Evans: All the guys whose girlfriends won't put out.

Mike Chang: It's the girls, too.

Will Schuester: This is really bad, guys. What if Coach Beiste were to find out about it? Think about how hurt she'd be.

Sam Evans: It's not personal.

Will Schuester: Of course it's personal! Look, Coach Beiste is like us, like Glee Club— she's an outsider at this school. No one appreciates her or her talent, because they've decided that she's too different. And for you guys to abuse that, even in private, is the opposite of everything we're trying to achieve in here.

Sam Evans: But we're just thinking about it, it's not like we're actually, you know, making fun of her to her face.

Will Schuester: I need you to stop. And spread the word to all the other Glee guys. And girls. This ends here and now. And Coach Beiste can never know about this.

Sam Evans: Okay.

Mike Chang: Sorry.

Blaine Anderson: Latte?

Kurt Hummel: Thank you.

Blaine Anderson: This is Wes and David.

Kurt Hummel: It's very civilized for you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.

Wesley Montgomery: We are not going to beat you up.

David Thompson: You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of... endearing.

Blaine Anderson: Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came.

Kurt Hummel: Can I ask you guys a question? Are you guys all gay?

Blaine Anderson: Uh, uh, no. I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends.

David Thompson: This is not a gay school. We just have a zero-tolerance harassment policy.

Wesley Montgomery: Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple.

Blaine Anderson: Would you guys excuse us?

Wesley Montgomery: Yeah. Take it easy, Kurt.

Blaine Anderson: I take it you're having trouble at school.

Kurt Hummel: I'm the only person out of the closet at my school. And I-I... I tried to stay strong about it, but... there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell. And nobody seems to notice.

Blaine Anderson: I know how you feel. I got taunted at my old school, and it really... pissed me off. I even complained about it to the faculty, and they were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that... nobody really cared. It was, like, "Hey, if you're gay, your life's just gonna be miserable. Sorry. Nothing we can do about it." So I left, and I came here. Simple as that. So you have two options. I mean, I'd love to tell you to just come enroll here, but tuition at Dalton's sort of steep, and I know that's not an option for everybody. Or... you can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt, and you have a chance right now to teach him.

Kurt Hummel: How?

Blaine Anderson: Confront him. Call him out. I ran... Kurt. I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away, and it is something that I really... really regret.

Mercedes Jones: The boys beat us the last time we competed against them. We've got to bring the noise hard this time.

Quinn Fabray: To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for vitamin D possession before the vote.

Santana Lopez: Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now.

Rachel Berry: The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite or what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing those sequins on backwards. Spies!

Noah Puckerman: Lighten up— we're here to talk to Santana and Brittany. Remember, don't trust your instincts.

Santana Lopez: Hmm. So, how does it feel to be a free man?

Artie Abrams: All I can say is that I don't want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany, since I'm not in love with her.

Brittany S. Pierce: Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?

Noah Puckerman: Not really.

Santana Lopez: Oh.

Noah Puckerman: Tell you what, you two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00. If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.

Santana Lopez: You are totally cool.

Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.

Artie Abrams: I can't believe it. You're a genius.

Shannon Beiste: Hey, Will, can I talk to you for a second?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Shannon Beiste: What's going on with your Glee Club kids? They've been mouthing off to me. One of them even said to stay away from their girl? I-I don't get it. You know, I'm the coach here, Will, and if the students here don't respect me... pfft, I can't do my job.

Will Schuester: Well, Coach... I... I don't know what to tell you.

Shannon Beiste: Will, please, be straight with me. You're the only person at this school I trust. Please.

Will Schuester: Why don't you have a seat? Uh... Th-Th-This is really awful, and I don't want you to take it personally. I mean, they're just kids. You-you know how they can be.

Shannon Beiste: Just-just tell me.

Will Schuester: I-I guess... it's... become sort of a-a thing, that... when the kids are making out, and... th-th-they sort of want to... cool off a little... They think of you. In compromising positions.

Shannon Beiste: Like what?

Will Schuester: Like... in lingerie... Oh... Coach, don't take it personally.

Shannon Beiste: I do take it personally, Will. I take it very, very personally.

Will Schuester: No. Sh-Shannon. Shannon, wait.

Noah Puckerman: So there I was. At juvie. In the breakfast line in the mess hall. When I notice me and this guy behind me going for the same waffle. This guy's 6'11", 300, easy. He's got his teeth filed into canines. Tats everywhere. Oh, it gets better. So I turn around. I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy... "L'eggo my Eggo." And you know what he does? He lets go of my Eggo.

Artie Abrams: Right.

Santana Lopez: You should be our nation's president.

Noah Puckerman: Maybe.

Brittany S. Pierce: I've been squeezing your leg for, like, the last hour and a half. Are you not attracted to me?

Artie Abrams: Sorry. I was really distracted by our waitress. She's totally into me.

Waitress Sandy: I can take that when you're ready.

Artie Abrams: Thank you.

Noah Puckerman: All right, guys. Let's move. This meal has been comped.

Artie Abrams: What?

Noah Puckerman: Dude, I don't pay for food. It's my thing, yo. So we're going to dine and dash. Let's go.

Waitress Sandy: Do you need any change?

Artie Abrams: Keep it. Thanks.

Noah Puckerman: What the hell was that about?

Artie Abrams: Sorry. I couldn't do it. She gave us free refills. And I figure she's got kids. I'm not gonna do that to her.

Noah Puckerman: Whatever, dude. You wussed out. So have fun taking the short bus home, 'cause I'll be escorting these lovely ladies back to Chez Puckerman for a little sookie-sookie.

Artie Abrams: Wait, seriously?

Noah Puckerman: Damn straight. I'm giving you all my trade secrets here. If you don't want my help, then fine. You're on your own.

Mercedes Jones: # Start me up #
# Start me up #

Rachel Berry: # Oh, Tommy used to work on the docks #
# Union's been on strike #
# He's down on his luck, it's tough #
# Oh, so tough #

Tina & Rachel: # Oh, we got to hold on, ready or not #

Rachel Berry: # You live for the fight when that's all that you've got #
# Start me up #
# We're halfway there #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #

Mercedes Jones: # If you start me up #

Girls of ND: # Ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # Kick on the starter #
# Give it all you've got #
# You gotta, you gotta #
# I can't compete #

Girls of ND: # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh #

Mercedes Jones: # With the riders in the other heat #
# Yeah, yeah #

Mercedes & Santana: # I'll make a grown man cry #
# I'll make a grown man give it a shot #
# Start me up #
# We're halfway there #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #

Rachel Berry: # Living on a prayer #

Tina & Rachel: # Oh, we gotta hold on, ready or not #

Rachel Berry: # You live for the fight when that's all that you've got #
# Oh, we're halfway there #

Mercedes Jones: # We're halfway there #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #

Mercedes Jones: # Living on a prayer #

Rachel Berry: # Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear #

Mercedes Jones: # Whoa, we're living on a prayer #

Rachel Berry: # Living on a prayer #

Girls of ND: # You gotta start me up #

Will Schuester: Ladies, very, very impressive. What was it that made you guys choose those songs?

Rachel Berry: Well...

Becky Jackson: Coach said to give you this.

Sue Sylvester: Take a good look, William. Because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left, I have one confetti cannon. To my right, you'll find another confetti cannon. You know what that means?

Will Schuester: No, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: We got Beiste fired. And my full budget is restored.

Will Schuester: Wait, what?

Sue Sylvester: Well, actually she quit. But I'll take the W. And it was your kids that made it happen, Will. It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead? They just got mean. Congratulations, Will.

Will Schuester: Wait, Coach Beiste quit?

Sue Sylvester: I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And, now, if you'll excuse me... And if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up, that'd be great.

Kurt Hummel: Hey! I am talking to you!

Dave Karofsky: Girls' locker room is next door.

Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?

Dave Karofsky: Excuse me?

Kurt Hummel: What are you so scared of?

Dave Karofsky: Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?

Kurt Hummel: Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!

Dave Karofsky: That right?

Kurt Hummel: Yes, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're 30.

Dave Karofsky: Do not push me, Hummel.

Kurt Hummel: You going to hit me? Do it.

Dave Karofsky: Don't push me!

Kurt Hummel: Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!

Dave Karofsky: I said get out of my face!

Kurt Hummel: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!

Will Schuester: Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy because Coach Beiste has quit.

Finn Hudson: Wait, what? That's terrible.

Sam Evans: Yeah, that's not what we want.

Artie Abrams: That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning.

Will Schuester: Well, then, you'd better put your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?

Finn Hudson: No, no. It's us. The boys.

Mike Chang: And Tina.

Finn Hudson: We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower. I-I mean, I don't... ever.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, wow. I'm sorry.

Santana Lopez: Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

Principal Figgins: William. I need to see you and Noah Puckerman in my office, please.

Noah Puckerman: This is garbage! I've been doing my community service.

Joan Martin: When you wrote "hangin' with a crip" on your probation application, we thought you were going to do outreach with a local gang.

Noah Puckerman: But I've totally been helping Artie. I got him a date. I made him some sweet cash. Please, Mr. Schue, you've got to help me out here.

Will Schuester: Ms. Martin, there's got to be some way Puck can make up for this. He's been a model student since he got back.

Joan Martin: Three whole days worth. Impressive. Look, there are rules. If Mr. Puckerman doesn't find a suitable alternative for his community service by tomorrow, his probation will be revoked, and he'll have to go back to the Mondale School for the Boys.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, screw that. I am not going back there.

Principal Figgins: Mr. Puckerman, calm down!

Noah Puckerman: No, you calm down! All of you, calm down! I told you, I'm not going back there! What are you writing? Give me that.

Will Schuester: Puck, this isn't helping!

Noah Puckerman: Helping? Since when does any one of you care about helping me? None of you care about me!

Kurt Hummel: Thanks again for coming.

Blaine Anderson: Don't worry about it. Just let me do the talking.

Kurt Hummel: There he is.

Blaine Anderson: I got your back. Excuse me?

Dave Karofsky: Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?

Blaine Anderson: Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.

Dave Karofsky: I gotta go to class.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt told me what you did.

Dave Karofsky: Oh yeah, what's that?

Kurt Hummel: You kissed me.

Dave Karofsky: I don't know what you're talking about.

Blaine Anderson: It seems like you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a... a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone.

Dave Karofsky: Do not mess with me.

Kurt Hummel: You have to stop this!

Blaine Anderson: Well, he's not coming out anytime soon. What's going on? Why are you so upset?

Kurt Hummel: Because up until yesterday, I had never been kissed. Or at least... one that counted.

Blaine Anderson: Come on. I'll buy you lunch.

Will Schuester: Didn't make you for a quitter.

Shannon Beiste: Don't, Will. You have no idea what it's like.

Will Schuester: For what it's worth... the kids feel awful. They like you. They respect you.

Shannon Beiste: Isn't that just what every girl wants to hear from a guy? Nah, screw this. I'll find my bliss somewhere else. I... I need a life change. You know, maybe I'll get a job as a cooler at a honky-tonk bar. I don't know, maybe an ice road trucker.

Will Schuester: Stop. Will you just stop? I get it. All of us are scarred by high school. You know, next to our parents, nothing screws a person up more. And-and people like us, we're stupid enough to come back here and relive that pain every day. Right?

Shannon Beiste: Yeah. I'm not gay, you know. I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but... deep down inside where no one can see, I'm just a girl. A-Am I nuts that I just want to be reminded of that sometimes?

Will Schuester: Well, that's what dating is for.

Shannon Beiste: Last... date I went on, the guy was a freak. All he wanted to do was wrestle.

Will Schuester: Well, let me help you out, then. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out...

Shannon Beiste: No, there aren't. I'm kind of a specific type.

Will Schuester: Well, you got to put yourself out there, try online dating...

Shannon Beiste: I've never been kissed, Will. It's the simplest thing. A kiss. It's a doorway to everything else, you know? Promise, hope... of a future with someone. What does that say about me? I'm 40, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet.

Will Schuester: What that says to me... is that you are a beautiful... amazing woman... whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.

Shannon Beiste: You really think I'm pretty, Will?

Will Schuester: Inside and out. And now you've been kissed. Hey, come to the choir room tomorrow at 4:00. The guys want to apologize to you in person.

Shannon Beiste: You tricking me into a make-out session, Schuester?

Artie Abrams: I didn't see you in geometry today.

Noah Puckerman: Jackpot. No, you didn't. I'm getting out of here. I'm skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn't real community service, so if I don't spend the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway, they're gonna send me back to juvie.

Artie Abrams: So, what's wrong with picking up trash?

Noah Puckerman: Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude. I'm not a garbage man. You know how humiliating that is? I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to juvie.

Artie Abrams: Why? I thought you loved it there.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah? I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me, and before the security guards could pull them off, they'd already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass? There are some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families, guys who look at you like you're some kind of dog they can't wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles.

Artie Abrams: So... you be my community service.

Noah Puckerman: What?

Artie Abrams: I owe you— you got me a date with Brittany. You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so... let me tutor you in geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway. Geometry's easy, yo. There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B.

Noah Puckerman: I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.

Artie Abrams: Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.

Noah Puckerman: Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught, I'd be screwed.

Artie Abrams: You need to start hanging around someone who's a good influence on you, Puck. Give me six weeks, if you don't ace your geometry midterm, I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat.

Noah Puckerman: That's dope, dude. You got a deal.

Shannon Beiste: I don't get it. It's... boys against the girls, but... what's the winner get?

Finn Hudson: Uh, we were hoping for your forgiveness.

Sam Evans: Yeah. We just wanted to apologize for hurting your feelings.

Finn Hudson: Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome. And even though you're all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn't mean you're not the opposite on the inside.

Sam Evans: Like a chocolate turtle.

Finn Hudson: Totally. You're nougaty, and we totally get that now. You're like a mash-up.

Will Schuester: Why don't you guys just get to the song.

Artie Abrams: Totally. This mash-up is dedicated to you, Coach. Hard and badass on one hand, and... soft and girly on the other.

Noah Puckerman: We hope it makes you smile, 'cause when you smile, you're pretty, and it lights up the room. Seriously.

Finn Hudson: # Here we go! #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #

Artie Abrams: # I wear tight clothing #
# High-heel shoes #
# It doesn't mean that I'm a prostitute #

Noah Puckerman: # No, no #
# I like rap music #
# Wear hip-hop clothes #
# That doesn't mean that I'm out selling dope #
# No, no, no #

Boys of ND: # Ba-ba-ba #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #

Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got to learn how to see me #
# I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #

Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind, and the rest will follow #

Finn Hudson: # Think it over #

Noah Puckerman: # Be color-blind #
# Don't be so shallow #

Sam Evans: # I've known of your #
# Your secluded nights #
# I've even seen her maybe once or twice #
# But it's a sweet expression #
# Worth more than my love and affection #

Boys of ND: # Ah, ah, ah... #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #

Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got #
# To learn how to see me, I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #

Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #
# And the rest will follow #

Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh #

Noah Puckerman: # Be color-blind #
# Don't be so shallow #

Artie Abrams: # Don't break my heart #

Finn Hudson: # Stop #

Artie Abrams: # In the name of love #

Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #

Finn Hudson: # Stop #

Artie Abrams: # Oh, free your mind #

Boys of ND: # Ah, ah, ah... #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #

Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got to learn #
# How to see me, I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #

Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #

Finn Hudson: # Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #

Boys of ND: # Oh, think it over #
# Free your mind #
# And the rest #
# Will stop! #

Shannon Beiste: That was really good. I liked it. Thank you.

Artie Abrams: Get over here! Come on.

Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee. Will's wife put the "terri" in "terrible relationship," so now she's his ex-wife.

Terri Schuester: What is wrong with you?

Ian Brennan: Kurt met this kid Blaine who he really likes and he seems really nice, but he sings in the Glee Club at another school. They're called the warblers.

Blaine Anderson: The warblers are like rock stars.

Ian Brennan: Kurt isn't liking his own school at all, because Karofsky's been coming after him, and nobody knows why.

Kurt Hummel: You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you.

Ian Brennan: Well, Kurt knows why, but he hasn't told anyone. And that's what you missed on... Glee!

Will Schuester: Morning, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's principal Sue.

Will Schuester: What?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.

Will Schuester: Wait, what happened to Figgins?

Sue Sylvester: Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club.

Will Schuester: How... how did Figgins get it?

Principal Figgins: And that's what it means to be an American.

Lauren Zizes: I think I have a fever.

Sue Sylvester: Can it. Now.

Lauren Zizes: 'Sup?

Will Schuester: So Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?

Sue Sylvester: Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.

Will Schuester: I... I thought we were friends.

Sue Sylvester: That got boring.

Will Schuester: Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher: Constant exposure to illness. All right, guys, um... Time to start thinking about song selections. I mean, I feel like I might have a fever, but it's important that I power through it. Okay. I definitely have a fever.

Santana Lopez: Lookin' good, Puckerman. Someone's been eating their wheaties.

Noah Puckerman: These guns are fully loaded.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue? I, for one, think we should use our set list for sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters.

Brittany S. Pierce: Someday, I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.

Mike Chang: I just want to dance.

Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schuester, you look a little green.

Will Schuester: Um... I think I'm gonna go see the nurse. But first I feel like I should get you guys a sitter.

TV: At this point, it would be a good idea to add any of your aromatics, like... We're going to cover the pan until the clams open up...

Will Schuester: I can take care of myself.

Terri Del Monico: Is that why Mrs. Weiss called me from next door? Because, according to her, she's here morning and night. Lift your head up.

Will Schuester: You're making me feel worse.

Terri Del Monico: Oh, honey. I'm probably revealing too much, but I do still love you. And you have to admit, no matter how toxic our marriage was, I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick.

Will Schuester: That's because you like me best when I'm weak.

Terri Del Monico: Maybe. I mean, that's what my therapist says.

Will Schuester: You're seeing a therapist?

Terri Del Monico: And I'm medicating, too. Now roll over, and pull your pants down, - because we're gonna take baby's temperature.

Will Schuester: No.

Terri Del Monico: But baby knows it's the only way that we can get an accurate reading.

Will Schuester: Stop, Terri. I don't want to play sick baby with you. Now, get out of here. What are you doing?

Terri Del Monico: Singin' in the rain. We were together 16 years. You think I don't remember what movie makes you feel better when you're sick?

TV: Then they're not good, so don't eat those. Just go ahead and discard those. And that is how you steam clams.

Kurt Hummel: I'm shaking. And it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.

Rachel Berry: Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals.

Santana Lopez: All right, you know what? Let me at her!

Mercedes Jones: We'll forget all about it tonight at bowling.

Kurt Hummel: I can't. Blaine asked me to hang out.

Mercedes Jones: I've been looking forward to it all week. Wait. Are you two going out? Because I think you need to come clean.

Kurt Hummel: What? No. I don't want another Jessie... Rachel traitor scenario to overcome. Please, Mercedes. Mum's the word.

Mercedes Jones: We'd be happy for you. I mean, we know how lonely you've been.

Kurt Hummel: All right, we just hang out. Nothing about Glee club even ever comes up. It's just nice to have someone to talk to.

Mercedes Jones: What is that supposed to mean?

Kurt Hummel: I mean, someone like me. But I promise to make it up to you. We'll hang out Friday night.

Mercedes Jones: Excuse you. Whoa, whoa. A couple more. Thanks. So what are we going to do about Glee Club while Mr. Schue is sick?

Kurt Hummel: I have an idea. Have you met the new Spanish teacher?

Holly Holliday: It's not easy being a substitute teacher. Kids feel like they get the day off. They'll goof off, egg your car, cut class, break into your car, throw spitballs, put an alligator in your car... And I don't even have a nice car. Lindsay Lohan está bien loca, ¿no? ¡Repitan! So I try to relate to the kids, listen to what they have to say, make it fun for them. No, repitan otra vez, con más energía.

Students: Lindsay Lohan está bien loca, ¿no?

Holly Holliday: Because I'm the cure for the common class. ¡Muy bien! ¿Cuántas veces ha asistido Lindsay Lohan a rehabilitación? Cinco veces, ¡Cinco!

Kurt Hummel: Excuse me, Miss Holliday? A word?

Holly Holliday: Favor de ponerse en grupos para discutir cuántas veces se ha puesto Lindsay Lohan en rehabilitación.

Kurt Hummel: I understand that you are subbing for Mr. Schuester's Spanish class, and I was wondering if you might not want to take over his Glee Club duties, as well.

Holly Holliday: What makes you think I know the first thing about Glee Club?

Kurt Hummel: You subbed for my English class last week. And you were extraordinary.

English Class Students: # Conjunction junction, what's your function #

Holly Holliday: # Hooking up words and phrases and clauses #

English Class Students: # Conjunction junction, what's your function #

Holly Holliday: # Hooking up cars and making 'em function #

English Class Students: # Conjunction junction... #

Stoner Brett: Are you on anything? 'Cause this is trippy.

Kurt Hummel: You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.

Kurt Hummel: Miss Holliday, we are floundering. Won't you please take over Glee Club?

Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.

Kurt Hummel: Yay! Muchas gracias.

Finn Hudson: Dude, what are you doing?

Noah Puckerman: Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor.

Finn Hudson: But sectionals is, like, two weeks from now.

Artie Abrams: Hey, Gigantor. We're all gonna swap names, yo.

Rachel Berry: Um, did I hear something about a substitute?

Noah Puckerman: Yes! It works!

Rachel Berry: Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine.

Artie Abrams: Oh, what the hell?

Holly Holliday: Hola, clase. Nothing says "bienvenidos" quite like a buttered floor. Let's start with some introductions. My name is holly Holliday. What's yours? Go.

Noah Puckerman: I'm Finn Hudson. I'm quarterback of the football team.

Santana Lopez: I'm Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm Mike Chang.

Holly Holliday: Those aren't your names. You know why I know that?

Brittany S. Pierce: You're psychic?

Holly Holliday: I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at regionals, where you came in last. Maybe it's because the songs were about 30 years old, but...

Finn Hudson: Those songs are classics.

Holly Holliday: Those songs are amazing. But they sounded like somebody else's favorite songs. Not yours. Just sayin'.

Brittany S. Pierce: She speaks the truth.

Holly Holliday: I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher. I want you guys to do things that you want to do. I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together. What do you say we have class outside today?

Mercedes Jones: It's raining outside.

Holly Holliday: Well, then let's take a field trip to taco bell.

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, yeah!

Holly Holliday: Should we toke up some medical-grade marijuana? I wish.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes!

Finn Hudson: It's really hard not to like this woman.

Rachel Berry: Okay, no. We can't just goof off all day. We have to write a set list for sectionals.

Holly Holliday: You're right. What songs would you like to do? Oh. Don't get asked that question much, do we?

Kurt Hummel: Ms. Holliday is right. Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes seems like he hasn't listened to the radio since the '80s.

Noah Puckerman: He never listens to what I have to say.

Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue, can we do that new Cee-Lo song, "Forget You"?

Will Schuester: Uh, no. Come on, guys, there's got to be a Journey song we haven't done yet.

Holly Holliday: Cee-Lo! That's what I'm talking about.

Santana Lopez: Snap. Okay, excuse me? What would you know about Cee-Lo? 'Cause you're like, 40.

Holly Holliday: Top 40, sweet cheeks. Hit it!
# I see you driving 'round town #
# With the guy I love, and I'm like "forget you!" #

Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket #
# Wasn't enough #
# I'm like, "forget you!" #

Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Holly Holliday: # And yeah, I'm sorry #
# I can't afford a Ferrari #
# But that don't mean I can't get you there #
# I guess she's an Xbox #
# And I'm more an atari #
# Mmm, but the way you play your game ain't fair #
# I pity the fool #
# That falls in love with you #

Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, she's a gold digger #

Holly Holliday: # Well... #

Unholy Trinity: # Just thought you should know #

Holly Holliday: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# I got some news for you #
# Yeah, go run and tell your little girlfriend #
# I see you driving 'round town with the guy I love #
# And I'm like, "forget you!" #

Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough #
# I'm like, "forget you and forget him, too!" #
# Said if I was richer #
# I'd still be with ya #
# Huh, now ain't that some shhhh? #

Unholy Trinity: # Ain't that some shhhh? #

Holly Holliday: # Although this pain's in my chest #
# I still wish you the best with a "forget you!" #

Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Mercedes & Artie: # Now, baby, baby, baby #
# Why'd you wanna wanna hurt me so bad #

New Directions: # So bad, so bad, so bad #

Mercedes & Artie: # I tried to tell my mama #
# But she told me, "this is one for your dad" #

New Directions: # Your dad #

Mercedes Jones: # Yes, she did #

Artie Abrams: # Yes, she did #

New Directions: # Uhh...#

Holly Holliday: # Why #

New Directions: # Uhh...#

Holly Holliday: # Why #

New Directions: # Uhh...#

Holly Holliday: # Why, baby, baby #

Unholy Trinity: # Uhh...#

Holly Holliday: # I love you #
# I still love you #

Santana Lopez: # Hey! #

Holly Holliday: # I see you driving 'round town with the guy I love #
# And I'm like, "forget you!" #

Santana Lopez: # Forget you, yeah #

Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough #

Santana Lopez: # Uuh #

Holly Holliday: # I'm like, "forget you, and forget him, too!" #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #

Holly Holliday: # I said, if I was richer #
# I'd still be with ya #

Santana Lopez: # Yeah you! #

Holly Holliday: # Oh, now ain't that some shhhh? #
# Although there's pain in my chest #
# I still wish you the best #

Santana Lopez: # Wish you the best #

Holly Holliday: # With a "forget you!" #

Unholy Trinity: # Ooh-hoo, hoo, hoo. #

Holly Holliday: Let's go get some tacos!

New Directions: Yeah!

Holly Holliday: Yes!

Shannon Beiste: This is not up for discussion, fellas. You do not spray athlete's foot medicine in your teammates' eyes. Come on! Can I help you, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Principal Sue, and I'm here to inform you that effective 4:00 P.M. today... the football team is officially... disbanded.

Shannon Beiste: Well, if you're cutting the football team, who are your cheerios going to cheer for?

Sue Sylvester: I will get back to you on all of this later.

Shannon Beiste: No.

Sue Sylvester: Humiliation. Bested by the beiste, less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all chairs in the school with sharp poles was thwarted... a resounding defeat in my war against sitting. Reality is, I'm a champion, and once I get power, I do not let it go. I need a cause. That's it. Becky, get your Fanny in here, and bring your pad.

Becky Jackson: Yes, coach?

Sue Sylvester: Becky, take a memo. I'm banning po-tater tots.

Becky Jackson: Outstanding.

Mike Chang: Mr. Schue, I'm so glad you're better. We can't win sectionals without you.

Will Schuester: Mike, I know. Now, I'm gonna run through a number here, and after a bit, I want you to join in, got it?

Mike Chang: Got it.

Will Schuester: All right. Though the world is full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as... But are we? No. Definitely no. Positively no. Decidedly no. Uh-uh! Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all! And in the words of that immortal God, Samuel J. Snodgrass, as he was about to be lead to the guillotine...
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# My dad said, "be an actor, my son" #
# "But be a comical one" #
# "They'll be standing in lines" #
# "For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines" #
# And you can charm the critics and have nothin' to eat #
# Just slip on a banana peel, the world's at your feet #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em... make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# My grandpa said, "go out and tell 'em a joke" #
# "But give it plenty of hoke" #
# Make 'em roar, make 'em scream #
# Take a fall, butt a wall, split a seam #
# You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace #
# You wiggle till they're giggling all over the place #
# And then you get a great big custard pie in the face #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, #
# make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... #
# Make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh #
# Make em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh!#

Will Schuester: I don't understand who gave her the authority to take over Glee Club. What?

Rachel Berry: I was doing a fine job of running Glee in your absence, and then Kurt, jealous, asked her to take over.

Will Schuester: I'm not too worried about it, Rachel. I really appreciate your concern, but... I'm not worried about someone coming in and usurping me. You kids love me.

Rachel Berry: Sue doesn't.

Sue Sylvester: You know what's so nice, is having someone fun at this school. Mm. We're back.

Holly Holliday: Okay.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, hoarders is great, but...

Sue & Holly: Animal hoarders is better.

Holly Holliday: Hoarders and red wine. I'm buzzed!

Rachel Berry: You have to get well, Mr. Schuester, because every day you're here, she's there, and it becomes more and more likely that she's going to start running the Glee Club, and you're going to become the substitute.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, we have to get there early on Friday. It's league night for little people, and they'll buy up all the small shoes if they get there first.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, I totally forgot. Greg Evigan is starring in rent at the community playhouse, and Blaine got us tickets.

Mercedes Jones: "Us" as in all of us?

Kurt Hummel: I think he could only score two.

Mercedes Jones: Wait. Where do you think you're going with those?

Santana Lopez: Principal Sue banned the tots.

Mercedes Jones: She can't do that!

Mercedes Jones: They look like deep-fried deer poop.

Santana Lopez: Take it up with principal Sue.

Kurt Hummel: We'll get you some-some...

Mercedes Jones: Ugh!

Kurt Hummel: Okay.

Mercedes Jones: Why did you take away our tots?

Becky Jackson: You don't have an appointment.

Sue Sylvester: Jackee, I am like my idol, Richard Millhouse Nixon. Regarded in his time as petty, corrupt and venal, he actually always had the best interests of his people in mind. And also like Richard Nixon, I'm obliged to inform you that this conversation is being recorded.

Mercedes Jones: I want my tots.

Sue Sylvester: Nutrition is abysmal at this school. You know what this is?

Mercedes Jones: Toilet brush.

Sue Sylvester: It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.

Mercedes Jones: I'm getting my tots back.

Sue Sylvester: Becky, that can't happen again. Keep 'em out.

Becky Jackson: Roger that. Thank you, coach.

Holly Holliday: Hey, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Hello, miss Holliday. I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttocks from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.

Holly Holliday: Rachel, you suck. Oh, my God, you're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?

Noah Puckerman: I have.

Holly Holliday: Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later. It is so boring in there.

Noah Puckerman: Thanks, miss H.

Holly Holliday: Righteous.

Rachel Berry: You know what? Maybe I should be more like you. All fun, and just forget about the consequences.

Holly Holliday: Well, frankly, yes, you should. I mean, at least sometimes. When was the last time that you did something just because you thought it would be a blast? Take Glee Club. I mean, you have all these great ideas. When is the last time you actually did one of them?

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue can be a little tight-fisted with song selection, but I would like to do something a little bit more upbeat and glamorous with a good dance beat.

Holly Holliday: Sounds reasonable to me. Have you asked?

Rachel Berry: Mr. Shuster, I want to do more of an upbeat, glamorous song with a really good dance beat.

Will Schuester: No, but I have good news. I found a Journey song we haven't done yet.

Holly Holliday: Rachel, I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.

Rachel Berry: What happened?

Holly Holliday: I got punched in the face. Anyway, why don't you let me know the name of this upbeat, glamorous song with the nice dance beat, because, hot stuff, you are doing it in Glee Club.

Rachel Berry: I kind of need a partner to do the song I wanted.

Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask. That's kind of my catch phrase.

Will Schuester: So... What meds are you on?

Terri Del Monico: Um, antidepressants and anti-anxiety when I need them.

Will Schuester: Are you happy?

Terri Del Monico: You know, I think I feel like for the first time maybe I could be happy. How about you?

Will Schuester: Happy?

Terri Del Monico: Yeah.

Will Schuester: Um. If I'm gonna be honest, no. I still feel like I'm searching for something.

Terri Del Monico: Here. Some more. There...

Will Schuester: Thanks, Terri. Baby likes his soup.

Terri Del Monico: Oh. You know, I remember something else that baby loves a lot. Okay.

Will Schuester: Rubbing menthol. I love that stuff.

Terri Del Monico: I know you do. Take your shirt off, lie on your stomach. Come on. What? I'm not going to kill you. It'll make you feel better.

Will Schuester: All right.

Terri Del Monico: Here.

Will Schuester: Don't. Don't. I don't want to get you sick.

Terri Del Monico: I don't care.

Mercedes Jones: Look at this crap. Foam fish sticks? Principal Sylvester's only serving predigested food now to give us more energy. I mean, do I look like a damn baby bird?

Kurt Hummel: Don't fret your culinary disappointments. I come bearing gifts.

Mercedes Jones: You brought tots?

Kurt Hummel: Better. I've set you up on a date. I get it. My new budding friendship with Blaine is making you feel left out, jealous.

Mercedes Jones: Who's the guy?

Kurt Hummel: Anthony Rashad.

Mercedes Jones: Why him?

Kurt Hummel: No reason.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, so it has nothing to do with the fact that he's one of the five black guys at this school?

Kurt Hummel: Uh, no, he is a wide receiver on the football team, he is very good-looking, and he is a member of the black student union.

Mercedes Jones: Any non-black activities?

Kurt Hummel: I don't know... my Google search was a little...

Mercedes Jones: I can't take this anymore.

Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, trust me, love is just around the corner.

Dave Karofsky: What's up, homo?

Mercedes Jones: That's not what I'm talking about.

Woman: Tots!

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God!

Students: Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots!

Sue Sylvester: So the tot wars have begun, Becky.

Holly & Rachel: # You can like? #
# The life you're living? #
# You can live? #
# The life you like #
# You can even #
# Marry Harry #
# But mess around with ike #
# And that's good #
# Isn't it grand #
# Isn't it great #
# Isn't it swell #
# Isn't it fun #
# Isn't it #
# But nothing stays #
# In 50 years #
# Or so #
# It's gonna change #
# You know #
# But, oh, it's #
# Heaven #
# Nowa... #
# Days #
# And all... #
# That... #
# Jazz... #

Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, you look terrible... you should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here.

Will Schuester: Well, the kids need me.

Sue Sylvester: No, literally, there's no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I. I got to be honest with you, Will. A lot of it's the hair thing. In fact, right now I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies.

Will Schuester: Oh... I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.

Sue Sylvester: Well, that's not gonna happen. The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position. So, why don't you go home, rest, watch some TV, die. It doesn't matter... 'cause you know what? As my first official act as full-time principal, you are fired.

Kurt Hummel: I'm just saying that drunk people who get married to someone just saying that they met an hour ago by an Elvis impersonator... I mean, that's the bigger insult to marriage than two gay guys getting hitched.

Blaine Anderson: Totally. It's, like, if marriage is so sacred, they should just outlaw divorce. Right?

Kurt Hummel: Right. Right.

Blaine Anderson: What do you think, Mercedes?

Mercedes Jones: Oh, about, uh, "don't ask, don't tell".

Kurt Hummel: No, we're on prop 8 now.

Mercedes Jones: Totally for it.

Kurt Hummel: Against it.

Mercedes Jones: Right. I'm sorry, I kind of just blanked out.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, don't apologize... we should talk about stuff that you're interested in, too.

Kurt Hummel: I know... let's play a game. Okay, on the count of three, name your favorite 2010 vogue cover. Okay, ready? One, two, three...

Kurt & Blaine: Marion Cotillard.

Kurt Hummel: Yes!

Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God, stop it!

Kurt Hummel: Yes, I know.

Blaine Anderson: She's amazing!

Kurt Hummel: Amazing!

Blaine Anderson: Amazing!

Kurt Hummel: Amazing.

Blaine Anderson: Gay!

Kurt Hummel: Gay!

Blaine Anderson: Gay.

Kurt Hummel: Gay, gay, gay.

Blaine Anderson: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my gosh, I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!

Blaine Anderson: That's so gay.

Kurt Hummel: How did that get in there? Mercedes? Mercedes?

Blaine Anderson: I was just talking about the buckeyes... I'm a college football fan. I like sports, too, you know.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, way to break the stereotype.

Mercedes Jones: Excuse me. I know it's not on your menu, but I was wondering if you guys had...

Waitress: You want some tots? You kids must go to McKinley.

Mercedes Jones: So, what were we talking about?

Kurt Hummel: Has anyone read Patti Lupone's new book?

Blaine Anderson: I'm kidding. Of course I have.

Kurt Hummel: You scared me so much there. I know, I was...

Holly Holliday: Nice job, band dudes. It feels like the sun is shining in here.

Will Schuester: And the body's still warm. Hi. I'm Will Schuester, and this is my choir room.

Holly Holliday: I'm sorry we had to meet like this. The kids really love you. You must be a great teacher.

Will Schuester: You don't believe that... if you did, you wouldn't have taken my job so easily.

Holly Holliday: Guys, you want to take five? Okay, you want to have this conversation, let's have it.

Will Schuester: You're a substitute... of course you can... paint murals and let the kids sing whatever they want. You're never around when they have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.

Holly Holliday: 16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.

Will Schuester: I give my kids a voice. I just don't let it run free. I'm the teacher... it's my job to know more than they do.

Holly Holliday: Right, but you don't know more about what they care about the most... themselves. These kids get bored, they change their Facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled for the world to care about them. That's what this generation is about.

Will Schuester: A great teacher is supposed to show them that there are other points of view besides their own.

Holly Holliday: Okay, fine. What do you do when a kid does something really great in your class?

Will Schuester: Praise them.

Holly Holliday: I tweet them about it right there and then, and for those 30 seconds, I know that that kid has a connection with me. Look, it's... a terrible economy, and good teaching jobs are hard enough to get, let alone one in the arts. I just... I'm sorry, but I... I can't turn this opportunity down.

Sue Sylvester: You want to tell Ms. Holliday why we're here?

Mercedes Jones: Remember when I asked to be excused from class?

Mercedes Jones: May I be excused? I'm gonna go shove some tots up the tailpipe of coach Sylvester's car.

Holly Holliday: Sure!

Mercedes Jones: I told her not to touch my tots.

Sue Sylvester: You did $17,000 worth of damage. I drive a very rare and desirable automobile, ladies. Prized by collectors for its peerless grace among vintage European sports cars, one out of seven in existence. The 1979 Lecar. You know how many hours it took to find a mechanic who even knew what a Lecar was? She's your student. I would love to hear what you suggest as punishment.

Holly Holliday: I was gonna suggest clapping erasers, but you guys are mostly dry-erase here, so...

Sue Sylvester: You know what you might not find so funny, Mercedes, is that tampering with an automobile's exhaust is a felony. And you can rest assured that I and my attorney, Gloria Allred, will be pressing charges.

Holly Holliday: So... am I going to jail, or...

Sue Sylvester: Undetermined.

Holly Holliday: Great.

Sue Sylvester: Get the hell out of my office. You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, do you?

Holly Holliday: No. Not really.

Sue Sylvester: By the way, berets are out.

Holly Holliday: Sorry for just coming over like this. I wanted to do this in person. Plus, I heard you have expensive beer.

Will Schuester: I'm glad you did. And I do. Look, I was out of line before... you have every right to teach however you want. And the fact is, the kids clearly love you.

Holly Holliday: I'm a terrible teacher. Don't argue with me... I know I am. Today... Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester's tailpipe, and we were sitting in Sue's office, and Mercedes was looking at me like... And I just was totally lost.

Will Schuester: What did... what did Sue do to her?

Holly Holliday: Whatever. I don't know.She, like, suspended her or whatever. Oh! See? God, I do that every time! As soon as things get serious, I retreat. God, I... I didn't used to be like this, you know? I-I-I was... More like you.

Holly Holliday: Spaulding High School, ten years ago. Good morning, class. I was subbing for a math teacher. The syllabus says that you're on algorithms, so let's start with some easy ones.

Cameo: Let's start with you kissing my ass!

Holly Holliday: Her name was Cameo. She was like an attractive biggie smalls. Okay, miss...

Cameo: Cameo.

Holly Holliday: Miss Cameo, do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?

Cameo: Do you find my fist hard to understand?

Holly Holliday: I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn.

Cameo: Tricks? What are you, some type of magician substitute? I'm a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!

Holly Holliday: Cameo!

Holly Holliday: I woke up in an empty classroom. They'd stolen my Air Jordans. From that moment, I realized I got to keep things moving, I got to keep it mellow and fun.

Will Schuester: Yeah, to keep from getting your butt kicked.

Holly Holliday: And I do, in all ways. I never sign more than a month-to-month lease. I only eat off paper plates. I live on one-night stands. Last year a guy asked me to marry him; I moved.

Will Schuester: Sounds... lonely.

Holly Holliday: Yeah. Well... it works for me. But it doesn't work for those kids. I'm resigning.

Terri Del Monico: Wow, Will. I mean, wow.

Will Schuester: What are you doing here? You should've called.

Terri Del Monico: I brought you some more soup. But I guess baby's feeling a lot better if he's healthy enough to have a beer with a friend!

Holly Holliday: No, no. I... Hi. I'm-I'm holly Holliday.

Terri Del Monico: Are you a porn star or a drag queen? I'm Terri Schuester, Will's wife.

Holly Holliday: Wow. Your wife's kind of a bitch.

Will Schuester: She's my ex-wife. And I have no idea what she's doing here.

Terri Del Monico: Do I have to remind you what went on here?

Will Schuester: Can we talk about this another time?

Terri Del Monico: Why, 'cause this is embarrassing in front of your new girlfriend? Where has she been the past two days, huh?

Holly Holliday: Okay, I'm just gonna go home.

Will Schuester: No. I'm sorry, Terri. Last night was a mistake. I knew it as soon as it happened. I was lonely and... you were there. I-I am sorry.

Terri Del Monico: No, I'm... honey, I'm sorry. I just... I'm really out of control right now, and... I'm gonna come back. Okay?

Will Schuester: Terri.

Terri Del Monico: Yeah?

Will Schuester: Don't. Don't come back.

Terri Del Monico: This is your last chance, Will. It's never gonna happen again. If I leave now, I'm never gonna come back. You're gonna regret this, Will. I swear to God, you're gonna regret this.

Holly Holliday: Are you okay?

Will Schuester: Tell me again about this life with no consequences.

Holly Holliday: It's kind of awesome.

Mercedes Jones: Psst! Look what I snuck in. My heart was racing.

Kurt Hummel: Are you out of your mind?! After what you did to Sue's Lecar? You're gonna end up in prison!

Mercedes Jones: So? You know what they have in prison. Tots.

Kurt Hummel: I'm not breaking it off with Blaine. I really like him. You are substituting food for love, Mercedes. And more importantly, you're substituting me for a boyfriend. Look at me. Two weeks ago, I thought there was no way I'd ever find someone like Blaine. And there he was. You will find somebody. But until then, you just got to take care of yourself. And treat yourself with a little respect.

Mercedes Jones: You're right. I got to go.

Kurt Hummel: Where?

Mercedes Jones: I'm gonna go talk to that Anthony kid. First time I saw him, I thought he was kind of cute. Maybe we have a shot.

Dave Karofsky: Question for you. You tell anyone else what happened? How you-you kissed me?

Kurt Hummel: You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so no, I haven't told anyone.

Dave Karofsky: Good. You keep it that way. 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna kill you.

Will Schuester: So I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.

Sue Sylvester: No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the under-flaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.

Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.

Sam Evans: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.

Rachel Berry: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.

Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "m" and "n." I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

Sue Sylvester: You know, William, one thing I learned in my time as president...

Will Schuester: Principal.

Sue Sylvester: ... you can't force public opinion. I pardoned you. Sometimes you got to give the inmates what they want. You throw 'em a comb, and hope they stop beating each other long enough to whittle it into a shiv.

Will Schuester: Well, I am relieved. I sort of thought I'd been replaced.

Sue Sylvester: Aw, shut your gash, Nancy. And as a condition of my not pressing charges, your Glee Club will return my Lecar to mint condition. I suggest selling yourself on craigslist under the heading of "men seeking men with butt-chins."

Will Schuester: All right, all right, thank you very much, guys. Please, please, sit down. Just... thank you... for that and... and for all the kind words you said about me to Sue. The feelings are mutual. Now, we got to get crackin', though. We lost a few days there, and it's all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days.

Noah Puckerman: I guess Ms. Holliday really is gone.

Will Schuester: I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun, but she and I both agreed that this is what was best.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Don't get us wrong, Mr. Schue, we always wanted you as our teacher. She was just kind of a nice break.

Quinn Fabray: She did loosen us up.

Artie Abrams: And she actually had some good ideas for a sub.

Will Schuester: Yeah. I get it. And maybe we can, uh, incorporate those... after sectionals. Now, when I'm sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel better.

Artie Abrams: Gin and juice.

Will Schuester: No. Singin' in the rain. I must've watched it, like, ten times over the past three days. It's actually what inspired me to try this out as a contender for our first song at sectionals.

Sam Evans: When is the song from?

Will Schuester: Well, the movie opened in 1952. But-but... but it's... But it's really timeless.

Holly Holliday: Mary Todd Lincoln in the house! My husband was probably gay, and I'm bipolar, which makes me yell things like... "That teapot's spreading lies about me!" Or... "That can't be my baby, because I don't love it!"

Will Schuester: Ms. Holliday, can I talk to you for a sec?

Holly Holliday: Sure. Guys, practice your bipolar rants, okay? See? History can be fun!

Will Schuester: How are you holding up?

Holly Holliday: Okay. I'm back to my itinerant ways, I guess. I do miss Glee Club, though.

Will Schuester: Well, as much as the kids like me, they sure do miss you. Which is why next time I'm sick, I'm requesting you as the Glee sub.

Holly Holliday: Really? Mr. Schuester, that's so nice of you. It would be nice to feel like a part of something, you know?

Will Schuester: I know. I actually need your help with something else, though. See, I've been dying to do singin' in the rain with the kids, show them how great it is, but they're convinced it's too old-fashioned.

Holly Holliday: Mm.

Will Schuester: Would you mind helping me make it a little more... modern?

Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.

Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah! Holly! #

Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #

Artie Abrams: # Good girl gone bad #

Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #

Artie Abrams: # Take three #
# Action! Go! #

Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
# You have my heart #
# And we'll never be #
# Worlds apart #
# Maybe in magazines #
# But you'll #
# Still be my star #
# Baby, 'cause in the dark #
# You can't see shiny cars #
# And that's when you'll need me there #
# With you, I'll always share #
# 'Cause I'm #

Will Schuester: # I'm singin' in the rain #

Boys of ND: # We'll shine together #

Will Schuester: # Just singin' in the rain #

Boys of ND: # Be here forever #

Will Schuester: # What a glorious feelin' #

Boys of ND: # Be your friend #

Will Schuester: # I'm happy again #

Boys of ND: # Stick it out till the end #

Will Schuester: # I'm laughing at clouds #

Boys of ND: # More than ever #

Will Schuester: # So dark up above #

Boys of ND: # Still have each other #

Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #

Holly & Artie: # You can stand under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh #
# Under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh #
# These fancy things #
# Will never come in between #
# You're part of my entity #
# Here for infinity #
# When the world has took its part #

Will & Holly: # When the world has dealt it's cards #
# If the hand is hard #
# Together we'll mend your heart #

Will Schuester: # 'Cause I'm singin' in the rain #

Boys of ND: # We'll shine together #

Will Schuester: # Just singin' in the rain #

Boys of ND: # Be here forever #

Will Schuester: # What a glorious feelin' #

Boys of ND: # Be your friend #

Will Schuester: # I'm happy again #

Boys of ND: # Stick it out till the end #

Will Schuester: # I'm laughing at clouds #

Boys of ND: # More than ever #

Will Schuester: # So dark up above #

Boys of ND: # Still have each other #

Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #

Holly & Artie: # You can stand under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh #

Will Schuester: # Just singing in the rain #
# I'm singing, singing in the rain #

Holly Holliday: # It's raining, raining #
# Ooh baby it’s raining, raining #
# Baby, come here to me #
# Come here to me #

Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #

Holly Holliday: # Baby, come here to me #

Will Schuester: # The sun’s in my heart #
# And I’m ready for love #

New Directions: # My umbrella, my umbrella #
# My umbrella, my umbrella #

Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt's still getting harassed and doesn't know what to do about it.

Dave Karofsky: I am gonna kill you.

Ian Brennan: Finn and Kurt got mad at each other, because Kurt had a crush on Finn, and then Finn called him a nasty name, but it also wasn't cool that Kurt couldn't take a hint, and their parents are dating, so it's a little awkward. Sam and Quinn are sort of dating, and Sue sort of dated Rod Remington.

Sue Sylvester: You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.

Ian Brennan: But then she caught him cheating, so she's back on the market, and that's what you missed on Glee.

Finn Hudson: Oh. What's going on? Is this one of those interventions, 'cause...?

Kurt Hummel: If it is, it's for the both of us. They bombarded me and forced me to bring them to you.

Burt Hummel: Okay, come on, tell 'em.

Carole Hudson: No, no, no, you.

Burt Hummel: Come on.

Carole Hudson: No.

Burt Hummel: We said in the car.

Carole Hudson: Come on, you, you.

Burt Hummel: Come on, you.

Carole Hudson: Please!

Burt Hummel: All right, so you know how I drive Carole to work every Tuesday? Well, today I drove here, and we snuck into that classroom where Kurt introduced us... very romantic of me, I might add... And I...

Carole Hudson: He proposed! He proposed!

Burt Hummel: You stole the punch line! Come on!

Finn Hudson: Wow. This just happened?

Kurt Hummel: Oh, Dad! Oh!

Carole Hudson: We wanted the two of you to be the first to know.

Burt Hummel: Yeah, after the kids in that homeroom. Come on, family hug, huh?

Kurt Hummel: Okay.

Burt Hummel: Come on!

Carole Hudson: I'm so excited and-and nervous!

Kurt Hummel: Oh, don't be, don't be.

Carole Hudson: Well, no. Okay.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, this is just what I needed. I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I'm thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn. Fall wedding colors. Autumnal.

Burt Hummel: Nothing too extravagant, Kurt, okay? We're gonna use whatever savings we have. We are spending it on the honeymoon. That's right. We're going to Waikiki. We're gonna go to the hotel where they put up the guest stars on Lost.

Carole Hudson: Finn, you-you haven't said anything.

Finn Hudson: Uh, I'm... I guess I'm just kind of stunned.

Burt Hummel: Hey, don't worry. I'm already looking for a bigger house. One where everybody's gonna get their own rooms. All right?

Carole Hudson: Come on, honey. Be happy for me.

Finn Hudson: I am, Mom.

Burt Hummel: All right, now listen, Kurt, Mr. Wedding Planner, I want you to take care of one thing. I don't care about the food or the booze at this party, but I want one heck of a band. I've been eating right. I've been exercising. And I want to boogie with Carole at this wedding. And I will boogie.

Kurt Hummel: All right. It's already taken care of, Dad. I'm going to hire the New Directions as your band. Right? It won't cost you a cent. They're cheap, they're available. Long story short... you're having a Glee wedding.

Sue Sylvester: Today is a red-letter day. The big day has finally arrived for one Sue Sylvester. Becky, get in here! Get these invites down to the post office, stat.

Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: And to think that this joyous occasion began in horror.

Sue Sylvester: ... which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy. So shine on, urban campers! You smell like adventure! And that's how Sue sees it.

Rod Remington: Sue, you're the bee's knees. Before we break, I'd like to make an announcement.

Andrea Carmichael: Rod and I are engaged.

Rod Remington: I popped the question in my building's common-use hot tub. Booyah. Not to worry, ladies. It's an open marriage. We'll be right back.

Sue Sylvester: How dare you humiliate me like that! People know you and I dated.

Rod Remington: Sue, you can't tame the tiger. You've read my tattoos.

Andrea Carmichael: Face it, Sue. You're never going to find someone, and you're going to die alone.

Sue Sylvester: So I decided to try online dating. And there was only one match for Sue Sylvester. One Sue Sylvester. So thanks, eDesperate. I'm over the moon. Or maybe I'm a little high off this adhesive, but I want to scream from the highest mountain, "Sue Sylvester is marrying herself."

Finn Hudson: Hey, is that safe? With your shoulder messed up and all?

Sam Evans: Doesn't feel messed up to me. Now that I'm healthy, I'm going to be gunning to get my job back.

Finn Hudson: Well, Coach Beiste isn't going to replace me while we're winning.

Sam Evans: You can't win every game. Look, I still want to be friends. It's just, I'm kind of on the cusp of being one of the most popular guys in school.

Finn Hudson: Wow. I, uh... I didn't think you were the type that cared about that stuff.

Sam Evans: Everyone does. Being on top means you don't have to take crap from anybody. No teasing, no Slushee facials.

Finn Hudson: Being quarterback isn't going to put you on top, especially since you can't even get Quinn to be your girlfriend.

Sam Evans: I'm working on that, too.

Quinn Fabray: So, what do you want to talk about in private?

Sam Evans: These galactic mobiles aren't the stars of McKinley. We are. Or at least, I want us to be.

Quinn Fabray: Okay.

Sam Evans: I think I love you. Look, my shoulder's healed, I'm going to be the quarterback again soon. And you're already the head cheerleader.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, my God, are you proposing? We've known each other for six weeks. Stand up. You're freaking me out.

Sam Evans: I want to marry you... some day. Until then, will you accept this promise ring?

Quinn Fabray: What are you, six?

Sam Evans: If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy moved around. I promise to make you feel proud when you point down the hall and say, "That dude's my boyfriend." And I promise to do all of those things without ever trying to sound like Matthew McConaughey. I really care about you, Quinn. And I want us to be together. Is that a no?

Quinn Fabray: It's a maybe.

Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so I've been reviewing this itinerary, and I don't really get it. Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get kind of messy?

Kurt Hummel: That's why we feed them glitter, Finn.

Finn Hudson: Oh. Well, look, I've been thinking about it. I really want to do something special for the wedding, and I wanted to take this opportunity to sort of remind everyone that I'm, you know, a leader.

Kurt Hummel: I have the perfect idea. After you walk your mom down the aisle, and give her away to my dad...

Finn Hudson: Incredibly creepy.

Kurt Hummel: ... and give your speech to the newlyweds... which I will write, although you are free to suggest overall themes... you and Carole will have a lovely mother-and-son dance in front of everyone.

Finn Hudson: Ah, that's a terrible idea. Everybody knows I'm the worst dancer.

Kurt Hummel: Finn, trust me on this. I've been planning weddings since I was two. My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac.

Finn Hudson: I guess if I could pull it off, it would make me seem like a cool stud.

Kurt Hummel: Totally.

Finn Hudson: Thanks. It's a plan.

Kurt Hummel: I don't want you near me.

Dave Karofsky: Can I have this? Thanks.

Will Schuester: Are you okay?

Kurt Hummel: No. No.

Will Schuester: Okay, let's go to the principal, come on.

Sue Sylvester: Did he physically hurt you?

Kurt Hummel: No.

Will Schuester: You said he's shoved you into the lockers before.

Sue Sylvester: Well, I can't expel a kid for shoving. He'll just say, "I didn't mean to shove that kid, I tripped!" Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.

Kurt Hummel: He didn't shove me this time. He just... terrified me.

Sue Sylvester: Lady, I can't suspend a student because he scares you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. It's rough. People can be mean.

Will Schuester: That's your advice? That's all you have to say?

Sue Sylvester: William, I was bullied my entire life. I grew up with a handicapable sister. I know very well how cruel people can be. Was it difficult? Yes. Did it make me stronger? You bet it did.

Kurt Hummel: It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming, I can't concentrate, I don't feel like I'm part of this school at all. I feel like I'm in a horror movie where this creature follows me around terrifying me, and there's nothing that I can do about it? I mean, you... You don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of.

Will Schuester: What does that mean?

Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Sue Sylvester: Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me, and I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your delivery order. Okay? But until that happens, and I'm genuinely sorry to say this, there is nothing legally I or the school board can do.

Will Schuester: Come on, Kurt. We're gonna be late for rehearsal.

Kurt Hummel: You know, when you call me lady... that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.

Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames... Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me-Doughface.

Kurt Hummel: I guess I'll go with Porcelain.

Sue Sylvester: Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me-Doughface.

Rachel Berry: Ladies, the Kurt-Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable, he's losing weight... and not in a good way. And he's barely even fighting me for solos anymore.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We've all been teased, but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse.

Rachel Berry: We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say, we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky.

Quinn Fabray: Okay, first off all, I'm not dating Sam. And second of all, I think you personally just set the feminist movement back 50 years.

Rachel Berry: But guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.

Quinn Fabray: So we're going to fight violence with violence?

Rachel Berry: No! Look, I'm not saying that they should hit him. What I'm saying is that we need to defend Kurt, and there's strength in numbers.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?

Brittany S. Pierce: Deal with it. When you guys fooled around, did he ever, like, just lie there?

Santana Lopez: Why didn't you tell me that we were having a Glee girls meeting?

Rachel Berry: This is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt.

Santana Lopez: Okay, I'm dating Puckerman.

Quinn Fabray: You're getting naked with Puckerman.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Besides, Puck can't mess with Karofsky; He's on probation. If he gets in a fight with him, he'll be sent back to juvee.

Rachel Berry: Mm-hmm. Yeah, so now if you'll excuse us.

Santana Lopez: You're so on my list, dwarf.

Rachel Berry: Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves.

Marsha Dean: I'm a little confused.

Sue Sylvester: I said not only am I marrying myself, I will be officiating the ceremony.

Marsha Dean: I'm not, um...

Sue Sylvester: Marsha Dean, when I hired you and your crack team at Marsha Dean Weddings, I did so because you specialize in unique weddings.

Marsha Dean: Well, that mostly means that some of them take place outside.

Sue Sylvester: Marsha Dean, you are fired. You are out of your depth. And nothing is too good for Sue Sylvester.

Doris Sylvester: Well, that's one way to look at it. Hello. I'm Doris Sylvester. I'm this one's mother. Marsha, I'll bet people say you look mannish. But you know something? I think it's perfectly all right for a woman to be handsome. Takes all kinds. Susie, come give your mother a hug.

Sue Sylvester: Please don't call me that.

Doris Sylvester: Come on, come on. Oh, you poked me in my sternum. I always forget that you have this ribcage that's kind of weird... and adorable. I think I'll sit down.

Sue Sylvester: Mom, what are you doing here?

Doris Sylvester: Good news, Suze. We finally caught the last Nazi. For two and a half years, we've been hot on the trail of Eva Braun's great-nephew Chad. And you know what? He's been under our noses this whole time. Working in Phoenix as a CPA. I felt bad taking him out. I mean, it's punishment enough to live there. You ever been to Phoenix? It's a hellhole.

Sue Sylvester: Mom, where have you been? I haven't seen you or heard from you - in over three years.

Doris Sylvester: What do you mean? I-I wrote you all those postcards. I mean, granted, they were decoys.

Sue Sylvester: Have you been to see Jean yet?

Doris Sylvester: It's the top of my list. Look, I, uh... I know it's been a long time, but... the work I was doing was important. And I always wanted to get back here and be a mother to you girls again. And Susie, I have to ask you, what is it with this ridiculous wedding? Have you given up on love?

Sue Sylvester: No, Mother. Quite the opposite.

Doris Sylvester: I mean, when you were little, the other mothers used to tell me that you'd never find anybody, but I said, "No, no, no, no. "She's a perfectly okay child. She'll grow into her looks." And you know what? I believe you still might.

Sue Sylvester: Mother, I am going through with this wedding. And you are free to accept the invitation or not.

Doris Sylvester: Are you inviting me?

Sue Sylvester: I'm inviting you now.

Doris Sylvester: Well, I am accepting. Don't get so huffy. Since your father's no longer with us, I want to - walk you down the aisle.

Sue Sylvester: No. I'm doing that.

Doris Sylvester: Then I know exactly what I'm going to do. You remember when you were a little girl, and you used to ask me to sing to you? And I never had the time. So you'd line up your little dollies and they'd sing to each other? Appalachian murder ballads, but it was touching. You know something, though? I'm going to be there for you this time. I'm going to sing at your wedding.

Rachel Berry: But why?

Finn Hudson: Karofsky plays right guard. If he gets pissed at me, I'm going to get sacked more times than Jay Cutler, which means we're going to lose, which means Beiste is going to make Sam quarterback.

Rachel Berry: Is being quarterback more important to you than helping out the kid who's going to be your stepbrother?

Finn Hudson: Look, we both know I can help him more if I stay on top. Look, Kurt's going to be fine. Rachel, I'm sorry. I want to, but I can't.

Rachel Berry: I've never been so disappointed in you before.

Finn Hudson: But...

Artie Abrams: Stop picking on Kurt.

Dave Karofsky: You mind? I'm changing.

Mike Chang: We're serious. This is a warning.

Dave Karofsky: Oh, yeah?

Artie Abrams: From now on, you're gonna leave him alone.

Dave Karofsky: Look, if he wants to be a homo, that's up to him, but don't rub it in my face.

Artie Abrams: We're not asking you.

Mike Chang: Yeah, we're done talking about this. Just back off, all right?

Dave Karofsky: Look, you back off.

Sam Evans: Hey!

Mike Chang: Artie, are you okay?

Shannon Beiste: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?! Get up! Get up here! Get up! What the hell's going on here?

Mike Chang: Dude was a wild animal.

Artie Abrams: Manimal.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so turned on by you right now.

Sam Evans: How bad does it look?

Quinn Fabray: It's pretty hot, actually.

Noah Puckerman: You have no idea how hard it was for me not to jump into that beatdown.

Santana Lopez: Where were you, Finn?

Finn Hudson: I was still out on the field, okay? I totally would have given him a beatdown if I had been there, though.

Mercedes Jones: The fact is, it shouldn't have gone down without you, Finn. You should have been leading the charge.

Kurt Hummel: Lay off Finn, everyone. It isn't his problem. It's none of your problems, actually. But thank you for what you did, especially Sam.

Mike Chang: Serious, an epitome of a leader.

Will Schuester: What's going on? What happened to Sam's eye?

Quinn Fabray: He stood up to Karofsky.

Tina Cohen-Chang: All the guys did. Well, not Finn.

Will Schuester: Is everyone okay? Do we all need to go talk to Principal Sylvester?

Sam Evans: No. I got in a few good licks, too, so we can just call it even. And maybe this will send a warning to Karofsky, telling him to back off Kurt.

Will Schuester: You okay, Kurt? All right, guys. Let's take our places. We got a wedding to prepare for.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Mr. Piano Man, I think I owe you an apology.

Doris Sylvester: Not to worry, Susie-Q. I arranged for us to spend an hour in here with that, uh, that cutie-pie, what's his, uh... handsome guy, what's his name?

Sue Sylvester: Will Schuster? Let's get this over with.

Doris Sylvester: Look... I know you've always resented my leaving. But I don't think you ever truly appreciated the sacrifices I made to be a famous Nazi hunter. I don't think you ever thought about how hard it was on me. So, this is the song I'm going to sing at your wedding. Yoo-hoo! There we are. I know you know it. It's one of my favorites. Well, hit it!
# Why, oh why, oh why, oh #
# Why did I ever leave Ohio? #
# Why did I wander #
# To find what lies yonder #
# When life was so cozy at home? #

Sue & Doris: # Wondr'ing while I wander#
# Why did I fly? #
# Why did I roam? #
# Oh why, oh why, oh #
# Did I leave Ohio? #
# Maybe I'd better go... #

Doris Sylvester: # O-H-I-O #

Sue Sylvester: # Oh... #

Sue & Doris: # Maybe I'd better go home. #

Sue Sylvester: Mother, this song still doesn't explain why you abandoned your children.

Doris Sylvester: Ohio was stifling, and we couldn't wait to get out of the place. And I told you, "Sue, we're going to be hunting Nazis."

Sue Sylvester: And Pop said, "Sue, this might take a little while."

Doris Sylvester: Well, those Nazis are slippery, and me hunting them way down in Lima, Peru...

Sue Sylvester: We'd get postcards from Niagara Falls...

Doris Sylvester: While I'm stalking Mengele in Bolivian malls.

Sue Sylvester: Three times a year, we'd get crackling phone calls.

Doris Sylvester: Happy birthday!

Sue Sylvester: Hunting Nazis!

Doris Sylvester: Merry Christmas!

Sue Sylvester: Hunting Nazis!

Doris Sylvester: Homesick.

Sue Sylvester: Abandoned.

Doris Sylvester: Heartsick.

Sue Sylvester: Neglected.

Sue & Doris: # Thank heavens we're free! #
# Why, oh why, oh why, oh #
# Why did I ever leave Ohio? #
# Oh why, oh why, oh #
# Did I leave Ohio? #
# Maybe I'd better #
# Stay home... #

Doris Sylvester: Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be. Whoops! Wait a minute. I've got a fitting for your wedding. I'm wearing white. I know you won't mind. It goes with my skin tone. You? You got your father's coloring. Give us a kiss.
# Maybe I'd better stay home. #

Kurt Hummel: Thank you both for attending the Kurt Hummel Wedding Dance Seminar. Dad, you're going to have to pull off the first dance with Carole. And if Uncle Andy's 40th birthday party was any indication, you're going to need some work.

Burt Hummel: What are you talking about? My moves were great, okay? It was the... damn sangria...

Kurt Hummel: Okay. We dance to the beat, not to the words.

Burt Hummel: Affected my coordination. I'm here, right?

Kurt Hummel: Yes, right here. Okay. All right, have you guys chosen a... No... A wedding song?

Burt Hummel: Uh, yes. We're thinking "Stairway" or some Bubl?

Kurt Hummel: Okay. Great. So it's basically one-two-three-four. Okay. Follow me, all right? Gentleman leads on the left. Right. Opposite of me. Okay? Get ready? Opposite. One-two-three-four. Okay, getting back.

Burt Hummel: Hey, look at me, I'm dancing, huh? Look at that!

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, okay. Come over here, and dance with yourself, practice.

Burt Hummel: Come on, Finn, no chickening out. I did it. You got to do it, too.

Finn Hudson: Okay, uh...

Burt Hummel: My feet are moving and there's music.

Finn Hudson: All right.

Kurt Hummel: Okay. Position.

Burt Hummel: That's dancing.

Finn Hudson: Uh... Can we... Can we shut the door? I'm not really comfortable with people watching.

Kurt Hummel: What are you talking about? You danced in front of 1,000 people at Regionals.

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Burt Hummel: What the hell was that?

Kurt Hummel: It's nothing, Dad.

Burt Hummel: That was not nothing. That guy was making fun of you. What the hell's his name?

Finn Hudson: Tell him, Kurt.

Burt Hummel: Tell me what?

Finn Hudson: Tell him, or I will.

Kurt Hummel: His name's Dave Karofsky. He's... been harassing me for a few weeks now.

Burt Hummel: Harassing you how?

Kurt Hummel: Just... Shoving me, and giving me a hard time.

Burt Hummel: There's more. There's something else you're not telling me.

Kurt Hummel: He threatened to kill me.

Finn Hudson: What? You've got to be kidding me. Burt!

Dave Karofsky: What the hell?

Burt Hummel: You like picking on people?

Dave Karofsky: What?!

Burt Hummel: Why don't you try me?

Finn Hudson: Burt! Stop!

Kurt Hummel: Please, you're sick. Come on.

Burt Hummel: What the hell have you been doing while this is all going on, huh?

Sue Sylvester: So it seems the situation has reached a boiling point.

Burt Hummel: You're damn right, it has.

Dave Karofsky: Nothing happened.

Burt Hummel: I'll tell you what really happened. Mr. Karofsky...

Paul Karofsky: My name's Paul.

Burt Hummel: Paul, your kid threatened the life of my son.

Sue Sylvester: Porcelain? Is that true?

Dave Karofsky: That's not true. I didn't say anything.

Kurt Hummel: That's what he said. He said he would kill me if I told anyone.

Sue Sylvester: If you told anyone what?

Kurt Hummel: Just... that he was picking on me.

Dave Karofsky: He's making all this stuff up.

Burt Hummel: Oh, is that right?

Paul Karofsky: Hold on a sec. You have been acting differently lately, David. You used to get A's and B's. You're talking back, you're acting out, and now we're sitting here. So let me ask you: Why would Kurt make that up?

Dave Karofsky: Maybe he likes me.

Burt Hummel: I think we're wasting our time here. It's your job to protect people.

Sue Sylvester: Couldn't agree more. After hearing both sides of the story, you are hereby expelled. I will not have one student threatening the life of another. If you don't think this is fair, well, you can appeal to the school board. You'll leave campus immediately.

Paul Karofsky: I appreciate your time.

Burt Hummel: Thank you.

Sue Sylvester: Enjoy your wedding.

Finn Hudson: Huh. Never learned how to tie a tie.

Santana Lopez: Sit down, Frankenteen. I'm guessing you know that you're losing it. I mean, Sam is clearly the new Glee favorite, he's going to become starting quarterback...

Finn Hudson: What's your point?

Santana Lopez: My point is that you need a coolness injection. If you were honest and told people that we did it last year, you would go from uncool to Chilly Willy in a heartbeat.

Finn Hudson: Maybe, but I can't do that.

Rachel Berry: Wait.

Finn Hudson: What?

Rachel Berry: There's something I have to tell you. I didn't have sex with Jessie. I-I lied... to make you jealous.

Finn Hudson: I-It's cool. Um, you know, I had a feeling, considering how much of a prude you are with me... not that I'm complaining.

Rachel Berry: This is so much better because now neither of us have done it and we can save it for each other.

Finn Hudson: Awesome.

Finn Hudson: If she found out, she'd break up with me.

Santana Lopez: And this would be bad because...?

Finn Hudson: Because I'm in love with her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Santana Lopez: Okay, don't you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?

Finn Hudson: Oh, stop it, Santana, that's my girlfriend. I think you should leave.

Santana Lopez: All right. Well, maybe I'll tell her. I mean, if you two broke up, we'd be free to see each other, right?

Rachel Berry: Hey. What are you guys doing?

Santana Lopez: Nothing. I was just leaving.

Rachel Berry: Aren't you going to tell me how pretty I look?

Finn Hudson: You look amazing.

Rachel Berry: What?

Finn Hudson: I... I just really love you.

Rachel Berry: I love you, too.

Finn Hudson: # lt's a beautiful night #
# We're looking for something dumb to do #
# Hey, baby #
# I think I wanna marry you #

Rachel Berry: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it?
# This dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you #

Quinn Fabray: # Well, I know #
# This little chapel on the boulevard we can go #
# No one will know #

Sam Evans: # Come on, girl #

Quinn Fabray: # Who cares if we're trashed? #
# Got a pocket full of cash #

Sam & Quinn: # We can blow #
# Shots of patro-o-on #

Sam Evans: # Ahh and it's on, girl #

Artie & Britney: # Don't say no, no, no, no-no, #
# Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah, #
# And we'll go, go, go, go-go. #

Artie Abrams: # If you're ready like I'm ready #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # 'Cause it's a beautiful night #

Mike & Tina: # We're looking for something dumb to do #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Hey, baby #

Mike & Tina: # I think I wanna marry you #

Artie & Britney: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it this dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you! #

New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba... #

Sam Evans: # Just say I do-oh-o-oh, #

New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba...#

Finn Hudson: # Tell me right now, baby #

Artie Abrams: # Tell me right now, baby, baby #

Finn & Rachel: # 'Cause it's a beautiful night #
# We're looking for something dumb to do #
# Hey, baby #
# I think I wanna marry you #

New Directions: # Ba, ba, ba, ba... #

Sam Evans: # Just say I do-oh-o-oh, #

Finn & Rachel: # ls it the look in your eyes #
# Or is it this dancing juice? #
# Who cares, baby? #
# I think I wanna marry you. #

Reverend: Please be seated. We usually start with a prayer. But a certain young wedding planner, who shall remain nameless, was afraid that some in attendance might fall asleep. So instead, I'm going to let Burt and Carole tell you in their own words why they've invited you here today.

Burt Hummel: I'm not really known for having a way with words. Uh... you know when you're a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how... sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much. But Kurt... he lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back? I-I want to apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living just... wasn't living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well, sometimes out of nowhere, he'll do you one better, and he'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he pointed me towards this woman right here. And he said, "There she is. Go get her." You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you. You're everything. And I will love you till the day I die.

Carole Hudson: Oh, hey... I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other one just saved me. Kurt, you are an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. We are four people. Becoming a family.

Burt Hummel: Okay.

Reverend: Burt... Do you take Carole...?

Burt Hummel: You bet I do!

Reverend: And do you, Carole, take this man...?

Carole Hudson: Oh, yes I do! Yes, I do.

Will Schuester: # When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me, make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Other dancers may be on the floor #
# Dear, but my eyes will see only you #
# Only you have that magic technique #
# When we sway, I go weak #
# When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me #
# Make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Like a flower bending in the breeze #
# Bend with me #
# Sway with ease #
# When we dance, you have a way with me #
# Stay with me #
# Sway with me! #

And now, I'd like to introduce one of the best men: Finn Hudson!

Burt Hummel: All right?

Kurt Hummel: You did good. It did the trick.

Finn Hudson: Oh. Thanks. Hi. Uh, thank you. Best man. Right. Uh... Well, I want to propose a toast to my mom... who is so awesome. I mean... somehow even without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man. In Glee Club, uh, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finnchel. Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. And today, a new union was formed. Furt. You and me, man. We're brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, uh, some stuff's gone down. And I haven't manned up like I should've. From now on? No matter what it costs me, I got your back. Okay? Even if it means getting a Slushee in the face every now and then. You put this entire wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor. You're going to dance it with me, dude.
# Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars #
# Look like they're not shinin' #
# Her hair, her hair #
# Falls perfectly without her tryin' #
# She's so beautiful #
# And I tell her every day #
# Oh #
# You know, you know, you know I'd never #
# Ask you to change #
# If perfect's what you're searching for #
# Then just stay the same #
# So, don't even bother asking #
# If you look okay #
# You know I'll say #
# When I see your face #

New Directions: # When I see your face #

Finn Hudson: # There's not a thing that I would change #
# 'Cause you're amazing #

New Directions: # You're amazing #

Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# And when you smile #

New Directions: # And when you smile #

Finn Hudson: # The whole world stops #
# And stares for a while #
# 'Cause, girl, you're amazing #

New Directions: # You're amazing #

Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# The way you are... #
# The way you are... #
# Girl, you're amazing #

New Directions: # You're amazing #

Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #
# When I see your face #
# I see your face #
# There's not a thing that I would change #
# 'Cause you're amazing #

New Directions: # You're amazing #

Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #

New Directions: # Just the way you are #

Finn Hudson: # And when you smile #

New Directions: # When you smile #

Finn Hudson: # The whole world stops and stares for a while #
# 'Cause, girl, you're amazing #

New Directions: # You're amazing #

Finn Hudson: # Just the way you are #

New Directions: # Just the way you are #

Finn Hudson: # Yeah. #

Doris Sylvester: Well, I hope the real wedding is more exciting than the rehearsal. You know what, Jeannie? There's nothing like spending time with m'girls.

Jean Sylvester: Then why did you leave us?

Doris Sylvester: I was busy. I was busy keeping you safe. Those Nazis, they're nasty people. You got the illustrated copy of Mein Kampf I sent you, right?

Jean Sylvester: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Doris Sylvester: Oh, what in the G.D. Hell?

Sue Sylvester: That's enough. Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to join Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester in holy matrimony. Jeannie, give me the rings.

Doris Sylvester: This is insane.

Sue Sylvester: Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. And Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. By the power vested in me by a Web site, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself.

Doris Sylvester: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but this is crazy. This whole thing is crazy. I had my heart set on singing during the ceremony! I don't want to be singing as you're walking out! I want to have a special moment with you girls!

Sue Sylvester: We girls have had lots of special moments, Mother. You just weren't there.

Doris Sylvester: I resent that. And I also resent the fact that you are keeping me in the background at my own daughter's wedding, which, I am sorry to say I still think is bizarre!

Sue Sylvester: You know when I finally began to like who I am? When I stopped trying to please you. So Jean and I had to learn how to become our own family, and you can't just waltz in here after all this time and start calling the shots. You're a bully, Mother. It's taken till now to realize it, but you are a bully.

Doris Sylvester: I am not!

Sue Sylvester: Mother, I cannot remember a conversation with you where I didn't walk away feeling worse about myself.

Doris Sylvester: Well, you know what, Susan? I'm disappointed in you.

Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry to say, Mother, you are no longer invited to my wedding.

Doris Sylvester: What about my song?

Sue Sylvester: You are welcome to sing "The Sound of Silence" in your hotel room right now.

Doris Sylvester: All right. And to think I was going to send you to Israel for your honeymoon. They love me there.

Jean Sylvester: You look beautiful.

Sue Sylvester: You're beautiful.

Sam Evans: Hi.

Quinn Fabray: Arnica twice a day. It'll help your bruise.

Sam Evans: Thanks.

Quinn Fabray: I've been thinking a lot about what you did for Kurt. It made a real impact.

Sam Evans: I thought the only impact that was made was Karofsky's fist impacting my face.

Quinn Fabray: You saw what Finn did at the wedding. That was because of you. We've been talking this whole time, and you haven't even noticed that I'm wearing your ring.

Sam Evans: How'd you get that?

Quinn Fabray: I broke into your locker. I've always been really handy with a nail file.

Sam Evans: Really?

Quinn Fabray: Mm-hmm.

Sam Evans: Yes!

Carole Hudson: This is absolutely unacceptable.

Burt Hummel: This psycho threatens my kid's life, and some school board made up of a bunch of people I've never met tells me there's nothing they can do about it?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, they could do something about it. They just decided not to. No one reported witnessing him being violent, and there's no way to prove that he threatened you with violence. The school board president issued a verbal warning to Karofsky, and that's where we stand.

Kurt Hummel: I can't go back to being terrified all the time. I jump every time a locker slams shut. I flinch whenever I turn the corner. I don't feel safe at the school.

Sue Sylvester: Kids who bully, for the most part, have been bullied themselves. And I for one don't flatter myself that that behavior can change. Now this kid Karofsky isn't gonna all of a sudden be nice to you, and I won't stand by unable to do anything about it. Effective noon tomorrow, Figgins is back in charge as I've tendered my resignation as principal in protest. I can't help you behind that desk, but I can be an extra pair of eyes out in those hallways. Someone ought to have your back. Besides, I miss my office. This room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin.

Kurt Hummel: Well, I guess I'll try to enjoy the rest of the day, before the terror starts anew. I'll see you at home.

Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt. Wait up a second. There's something we want to talk to you about.

Will Schuester: Come on, guys. The wedding was great, but we have got to get ready for Sectionals next week. Kurt, good, I want to talk to you about this amazing idea I had for a solo for you at Sectionals.

Kurt Hummel: Can I make an announcement first?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn. It's nice to know that I have great friends here as well as a true brother. Which is why it's so hard for me to leave.

Quinn Fabray: What do you mean, "Leave?"

Kurt Hummel: I'm transferring to Dalton Academy... immediately. My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Kurt, you can't leave.

Finn Hudson: What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Finn, but there's nothing to talk about. Karofsky's coming back tomorrow, so that means I won't be.

Sam Evans: We can protect you.

Noah Puckerman: Seriously, we can, like, form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service.

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: The only thing that can really protect me is what they have a zero tolerance, no- bullying policy. It's enforced.

Rachel Berry: Um, does that mean you're gonna be competing against us at Sectionals?

Mercedes Jones: Kurt...

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. I have to go.

Emma Pillsbury: House seats to sectionals.

Will Schuester: Those things are hard to come by. Scalpers are getting, like, five bucks for them. I however, as coach of one of the competing teams, get two, and I would be honored if you would be my plus one. I mean, you being at sectionals is-is kind of a good luck charm for us.

Emma Pillsbury: I would love to.

Will Schuester: I mean, not that we're gonna need any talismans. I have a killer set list planned. First...

Emma Pillsbury: No, let me guess. Finn and Rachel are gonna do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note.

Will Schuester: Have you been going through my desk?

Emma Pillsbury: It's what you always do.

Will Schuester: Every team tries to showcase their strongest players.

Emma Pillsbury: Look, just seeing your kids do the rocky horror thing really reminded me of how much talent you've got in Glee club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. Look, I'm sure that you know what you're doing; I'm not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favorites for sectionals, you won your sectional last year. It's just, I don't know, you guys used to be the underdogs. Now you're a real team, which is wonderful. You're a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright. I've said too much.

Will Schuester: No. You said just enough.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I have an announcement. I've selected the perfect moving ballad for Finn and I to sing to launch our performance at sectionals.

Will Schuester: Me first. Two things: First, our competition at sectionals are your classic stool choirs. Great voices, but they don't move. Now, if we're gonna beat them, we need to do what they can't: Dance. Which is why I've decided to feature Brittany and Mike Chang's sweet moves in our performance.

Rachel Berry: Wait, they're gonna dance in front of me while I sing my solo?

Will Schuester: You're not getting a solo for this competition, Rachel.

Mercedes Jones: Finally. So what song do I get to sing?

Will Schuester: I was thinking that the winners of our duets competitions would take the leads.

Rachel Berry: Ken and Barbie? A-are you trying to throw this?

Quinn Fabray: You used to be just sort of unlikable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth.

Will Schuester: Okay, listen, I have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but, frankly, I haven't walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I'm gonna highlight it.

Rachel Berry: Do something!

Finn Hudson: Look, I'm all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out - before the big game.

Rachel Berry: Yep.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Easy to say when you're the star quarterback.

Finn Hudson: This isn't just about me, this is about the team.

Santana Lopez: You are such a hypocrite.

Rachel Berry: Like you even know what that means.

Santana Lopez: It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit.

Rachel Berry: You know what, ever since the wedding, you've been up my butt, and I'm sick of it!

Finn Hudson: Come on, Rachel, she's not worth it.

Santana Lopez: Oh, really? 'Cause that's not what you thought last year in that motel room. That's right, Yentl, your sweetheart... he's been lying to you. 'Cause he and I totally got it on last year.

Will Schuester: Okay, enough already. No more conversations about this, or-or anything. This is our plan for sectionals, and that is that. Mike, Brittany, come on up, let's start choreographing.

Wesley Montgomery: And now let's welcome the newest addition to the warblers, Kurt Hummel. And our oldest tradition for our newest warbler, an actual warbler.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, meet Pavarotti.

Wesley Montgomery: This bird is a member of an unbroken line of canaries who have been at Dalton since 1891. It's your job to take care of him so he can live to carry on the warbler legacy. Protect him. That bird is your voice.

Kurt Hummel: Hey, I'll bring him to work with me. Weekends I volunteer at a stray cat rescue. It's at the bottom of a coal mine. That was a joke. I-I don't, I don't work at a coal mine.

Wesley Montgomery: Let the council come to order. Today we discuss the set list for sectionals.

Kurt Hummel: Council?

Blaine Anderson: We don't have a director. Every year, we elect three upperclassmen to lead the group. But don't worry, we all get a say.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, fantastic. I have a lot of ideas. Warblers, if I may? Now, I can't deny that the warblers' vocals are absolutely dreamy. But I believe our set for sectionals this year should have a little more showbiz panache. I think we should open with "Rio" by Duran Duran.

David Thompson: Uh, the council is responsible for song selection.

Wesley Montgomery: But we appreciate your enthusiasm, Kurt. It'll come in handy one day when you're sitting behind this desk. Now, I propose we do our entire set at sectionals in eight-part harmony.

Rachel Berry: Just tell me if it's true.

Finn Hudson: I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you the truth, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kind of scary.

Rachel Berry: Don't you see how it's ten times worse now? Why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me?

Emma Pillsbury: Don't answer that.

Rachel Berry: My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Rachel Berry: We need your help. Uh, that's why I set up this counseling session.

Emma Pillsbury: You're both in Glee. Why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs. Right, let's do plan B. We'll start with you, Finn. Why did you lie to Rachel?

Finn Hudson: I didn't want to hurt her.

Rachel Berry: Then why did you do it with her?

Finn Hudson: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't...

Rachel Berry: Was it because she's hot?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, sure, she's super hot, but, um, that's...

Rachel Berry: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?

Emma Pillsbury: Well, I'm not a therapist, but no. Um, maybe you should storm out.

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: Is there anything else you want to talk about?

Artie Abrams: What are you doing? We've been looking for you all day.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really, really have to pee.

Artie Abrams: What are you afraid of? You're gonna be featured at sectionals. You should be happy.

Brittany S. Pierce: I can't handle the pressure. I know I'm more talented than all of you... Britney Spears taught me that. It's just, I can't have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.

Artie Abrams: B-but we all know you can do it.

Brittany S. Pierce: And I know that I can't. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.

Artie Abrams: It's really too bad I... I can't give you my magic comb.

Brittany S. Pierce: What's a magic comb?

Artie Abrams: You've never heard of a magic comb?

Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-mm.

Artie Abrams: You comb your hair with it, and you can't lose. I'd give you mine, but I need it. Wait. Since you're going to dance the lead at sectionals, you win, I win.

Brittany S. Pierce: Please, can I have the magic comb?

Artie Abrams: Here.

Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, thank you so much. You really are the best boyfriend ever.

Artie Abrams: We're gonna win this thing 'cause of you.

Noah Puckerman: All I can say is I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I wasn't alone.

Will Schuester: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that because if I did, I'd be down to ten Glee club members, which as you probably remember from the rule book is two less than what we need to compete at sectionals.

Noah Puckerman: I'm not big on reading rule books. Well, I'm not big on reading.

Will Schuester: Kurt's gone, and he's not coming back. We need a 12th member. Now, I always go to Rachel and Finn in these situations, but you might be the most well- known kid in this entire school.

Noah Puckerman: There's a method to my madness.

Will Schuester: I want you to use that madness to recruit a new member. Glee needs you to be its ambassador.

Noah Puckerman: More like its am-bad-ass-ador. But what's in it for me?

Will Schuester: You love the Glee club. We get a new member and we win, you get to keep doing what you love.

Noah Puckerman: You can count on me, Mr. Schue.

Blaine Anderson: Hey, Kurt, wait up! I saw that Glee club was hard for you today, seeing your ideas shot down like that.

Kurt Hummel: It's just a different energy in there. Not better or worse, just something I'll have to get used to.

Blaine Anderson: We recognize that. And we have a tradition at this school of rewarding a student with a good attitude. So, we would like to invite you to audition for a solo.

Kurt Hummel: For sectionals?

Blaine Anderson: For sectionals. Sing something good.

Noah Puckerman: All right, listen up.

Azimio Adams: Are you gonna light your farts on fire again? Because I'm a major fan.

Noah Puckerman: I want to talk to you guys. About Bruce Springsteen.

Dave Karofsky: Is this going somewhere?

Noah Puckerman: Don't push me, Karofsky. You forced my boy Kurt out of here, and juvie or no, you're already number one on my list to go all death star on. Anyways, so Bruce is destined to go blue collar his whole life, but instead, he goes and buys an old strat from a pawn shop and just starts wailing on it, starts putting all the pain and the promises and the dreams into that music, and the next thing he knows, he's on the cover of time and newsweek in the same week. Those are magazines.

Azimio Adams: Not to seem redundant, but is this going somewhere?

Noah Puckerman: Glee club, dudes. It's time to join up.

Azimio Adams: Sign up for Glee club? Why don't you come to my church on Sunday and get some of my cousins to sign up for the klan?

Noah Puckerman: Glee club is cool.

Dave Karofsky: Glee club is most definitely not cool. Clearly we need to reinstate the 10:00 A.M. slushie. I say we make an example of him.

Azimio Adams: I say you're right. Get him! Get him!

Noah Puckerman: Not the face! Not the face!

Santana Lopez: Where's puck? I haven't seen him since yesterday, and I need him to get me a churro.

Mercedes Jones: My guess is he'd rather quit Glee club than lose sectionals, and I can't blame him. Our set's gonna be real light on the Mercedes.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm telling you, if the warblers win sectionals, it's only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap.

Brittany S. Pierce: If we lose, we should throw possums.

Will Schuester: Rachel, what are you doing?

Rachel Berry: I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting. My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it.

Will Schuester: Take that off! I'm tired of this, Rachel. You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore.

Rachel Berry: Well, I'm upset! I'm furious about this! About a couple of things, actually.

Will Schuester: Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you know, you could also make the choice to be happy that we're a part of a Glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There's an awful lot of "me" talk going around. "What's in it for me? What solo am I gonna sing?" Now, when we go to sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the hipsters, we'll cheer on Kurt and the warblers. And if they win, we will congratulate them. Because that's who we are.

Artie Abrams: Dude, where have you been?

Lauren Zizes: I found him in a porta potty.

Noah Puckerman: I was trying to find Kurt's replacement for sectionals. I was trapped in that porta potty for 24 hours. Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me! Are you an angel?

Lauren Zizes: Screw you.

Noah Puckerman: So I asked her if she wanted to join.

Lauren Zizes: Here are my conditions: A carton of Cadbury eggs. Good luck finding them. They're not in season. And I want seven minutes in heaven... with you.

Noah Puckerman: I have to say, she kinda rocked my world.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys, um, well, looks like we're back in business! Let's all welcome our newest member, Ms. Lauren Zizes. Puck, nice work. We owe you one.

Santana Lopez: Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?

Noah Puckerman: You okay?

Rachel Berry: Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?

Noah Puckerman: Look, after six hours in that port-o-john, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it to just Jews.

Rachel Berry: It's Finn.

Noah Puckerman: Boyfriend troubles? I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me.

Rachel Berry: Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger.

Noah Puckerman: It's the steroids.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We have a big problem.

Artie Abrams: Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I have no choice. Mike Chang likes cheerleaders. You of all people should know. He's having an affair with Brittany.

Artie Abrams: What? You crazy.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You haven't noticed her ignoring you lately?

Artie Abrams: Not really. It's shark week.

Tina Cohen-Chang: They're inseparable.

Artie Abrams: They're doing a number together at sectionals. They've been rehearsing.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? Just rehearsing? Exhibit A. I kissed him, and it tasted like lip smackers. You know who wears lip smackers? Brittany.

Artie Abrams: And she doesn't mind sharing. I love borrowing her lip smackers. It's like candy for your lips.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Don't be naive, Artie. She's a cheerleader, he's a football player. You and I never had a chance at either of them.

Kurt Hummel: Hey, Rachel. I've been looking for you.

Rachel Berry: Don't bother spying on me to get a leg up, because the only solos that I'm getting for sectionals are in my mind.

Kurt Hummel: Actually, I was hoping you could help me. I've been sitting in my car for over an hour waiting for Karofsky to make a Mickey D's run. I've been invited to audition for a solo.

Rachel Berry: Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now.

Kurt Hummel: Because even though we hate each other, we've had our moments, and I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.

Rachel Berry: Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I'll give you a couple of tips. So, what did you, uh, have in mind?

Kurt Hummel: I've settled on Celine Dion's classic "my heart will go on."

Rachel Berry: Oh, no. No, no, no.

Kurt Hummel: No?

Rachel Berry: Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?

Kurt Hummel: No.

Rachel Berry: I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets.

Kurt Hummel: That's insane.

Rachel Berry: Clearly no one in the Glee club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am, but it being too late? And there's only one song that expresses those feelings. I'm sure that it's in here somewhere.

Kurt Hummel: Oh...

Rachel Berry: # It won't be easy #
# You'll think it strange #
# When I try to explain how I feel #
# That I still need your love #
# After all that I've done #
# You won't believe me #
# All you will see is the girl you once knew #
# Although she's dressed up to the nines #
# At sixes and sevens with you #
# I had to let it happen, I had to change... #

Kurt Hummel: # Couldn't stay all my life down at heel #
# Looking out of the window #
# Staying out of the sun #
# So I chose freedom #
# Running around, trying everything new #

Rachel Berry: # But nothing impressed me #
# At all #
# I never expected it to... #

Kurt Hummel: # Don't cry for me, Argentina #
# The truth is #
# I never left you #

Rachel Berry: # All through my wild days #
# My mad existence #
# I kept my promise #

Kurt Hummel: # Don't keep your distance #
# Don't cry for me, Argentina #

Rachel Berry: # The truth is, I never left you #
# All through my wild days #

Kurt Hummel: # My mad existence #

Rachel Berry: # I kept my promise #

Kurt Hummel: # Don't keep your distance #

Rachel Berry: # Have I said too much? #

Kurt Hummel: # There's nothing more I can think of #
# To say to you #
# But all you have to do #

Rachel Berry: # Is look at me to know #

Kurt & Rachel: # That every word #
# Is true... #

Kurt Hummel: So how many times have you guys auditioned?

Nick Duval: Three.

Jeff Sterling: Six.

Blaine Anderson: Hey, guys. Nick, Jeff, congrats, you're moving on.

Nick Duval: Thank you.

Blaine Anderson: Congratulations.

Jeff Sterling: Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: Any sage advice?

Blaine Anderson: Don't try so hard next time.

Kurt Hummel: I didn't realize that caring was frowned upon.

Blaine Anderson: I don't know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's about being part of the team.

Kurt Hummel: I guess I'm just used to having to scream to get noticed.

Blaine Anderson: You're not going to make it as a warbler if all you care about is getting noticed.

Kurt Hummel: You're right, I'm sorry.

Blaine Anderson: I know it's going to take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough, I promise.

Artie Abrams: How's the number for sectionals coming?

Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. Um, yeah, it's good.

Artie Abrams: Wait, do you maybe want to see a movie tonight?

Brittany S. Pierce: Uh, I can't, I have rehearsal with Mike.

Artie Abrams: Well, how about a latte tomorrow morning?

Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, I can't, and I can't talk right now either. I have to go rehearse. I'm really, really sorry.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey. Something wrong?

Will Schuester: I'm beginning to think my new directions for the new directions was a terrible idea.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no.

Will Schuester: We're off to sectionals, and I have... I've never seen the kids so out of sync. You look great, though. Ready to go?

Emma Pillsbury: I can't.

Will Schuester: Why?

Emma Pillsbury: I didn't tell Carl I was going with you. Ever since rocky horror he's had some issues with you, you know, with us spending time together, and, um, actually, it was counseling Finn and Rachel that made me realize that sometimes the withholding of the truth can make someone fellas bad as lying, so I told him the truth last night and we had a big fight. Then we made up and... then he told me that he loved me... And then I told him that I love him back.

Will Schuester: Well, we're going to miss our good luck charm.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, not that I really care, but if we don't leave now, we're going to miss the competition.

Emma Pillsbury: Good luck.

Will Schuester: Okay. Yeah, thanks.

Rachel Berry: Then go down to 7-Eleven and get some. I need raisinets.

Kurt Hummel: Carb loading?

Rachel Berry: Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place and she won't go on unless she gets her damn candy. She's a warm body. Hey, did you, uh, get your solo?

Kurt Hummel: Sadly, no.

Rachel Berry: Oh, wow, if you didn't get a solo, then they must be really good. We are doomed. Sorry, that was selfish. What I meant to say was, "wow, that, that really sucks. I'm, I'm sure you were really good."

Kurt Hummel: I was... I mean, I think I was. Being in the warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.

Rachel Berry: Yeah. What has become of us, Kurt? So do you miss us?

Kurt Hummel: I do. Being a warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down.

Rachel Berry: It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore and we all get it.

Kurt Hummel: How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?

Rachel Berry: Because you were my only real competition.

Kurt Hummel: Hmm, yeah, true.

Rachel Berry: Aw...

Kurt Hummel: So how's Finn? I feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since the wedding.

Rachel Berry: I haven't really talked to him much either. I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it.

Kurt Hummel: Wait, you didn't know about that?

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, they're calling places.

Kurt Hummel: Hey. Thanks again, Rachel.

The Hipsters: # Every generation #
# Blames the one before #
# And all of their frustrations #
# Come beating on your door #
# I know that I'm a prisoner #
# To all my father held so dear #
# I know that I'm a hostage #
# To all his hopes and fears #
# I just wish I could have told him #
# In the living years #
# Say it, say it, say it loud #
# Say it loud #
# Say it clear... #
# Say it, say it, say it #
# You can listen You can listen #
# As well as you hear As well as you can hear #
# Hey, you got to realize that it's true #
# Come on, come on Say it loud #
# Say it, say it, say it Say it loud #
# Say it clear Say... #
# Say it. #

Announcer: And now, for our second performance of the program, from Dalton academy in Westerville, the warblers.

Blaine Anderson: # Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey #
# Tonight #

The Warblers: # Hey Hey #
# Hey Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey #
# Hey... hey... hey... #

Blaine Anderson: # Your lipstick stains #
# On the front lobe of my left-side brain #
# I knew I wouldn't forget you #
# And so I went #
# And let you blow my mind #

The Warblers: # Let you blow my mind #

Blaine Anderson: # Your sweet moonbeam #
# The smell of you #
# In every single dream I dream #
# I knew when we collided #
# You're the one I have decided #
# Who's one of my kind #

The Warblers: # One of my kind #

Blaine Anderson: # Hey, soul sister #
# Ain't that Mr. mister on the radio? #
# Stereo #
# The way you move #
# Ain't fair, you know #
# Hey, soul sister #
# I don't want to miss #
# A single thing you do #

The Warblers: # Oh, tonight #

Blaine Anderson: # The way you can cut a rug #
# Watching you's the only drug I need #
# So gangsta, I'm so thug #
# You're the only one I'm dreaming of #
# You see, I can be myself now finally #
# In fact, there's nothing I can't be #
# Nothing I can't be I want the world to see #
# You'll be with me #
# Hey, soul sister Ooh #
# Ain't that Mr. mister on the radio? #
# Stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know #
# Hey, soul sister #
# I don't want to miss a single thing you do #
# Miss a thing #
# Tonight #

The Warblers: # Hey Hey #

Blaine Anderson: # Hey Hey #

The Warblers: # Hey Hey #

Blaine Anderson: # Tonight Hey #
# Hey #

The Warblers: # Hey Hey #

Blaine Anderson: # Hey #

The Warblers: # Hey Hey #

Lauren Zizes: These costumes are causing some unmentionable chafing.

Sam Evans: Are you okay?

Quinn Fabray: No. I'm totally freaking out. Last time we performed in front of an audience, I went into labor. I think I'm having post traumatic stress disorder.

Mercedes Jones: FYI, I'm totally available to fill in.

Artie Abrams: Nowhere to run. From me or your lies. I hope they judge us on dancing and adultery, because you're aces at both of them.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't understand how you found out. I am so stupid. I can't believe I did it. I've never felt more awful about anything in my life.

Mike Chang: What's Artie all worked up about?

Tina Cohen-Chang: You are such a jerk.

Rachel Berry: You told Kurt?

Finn Hudson: I don't remember. Maybe.

Mercedes Jones: About Finn and Santana? No. I think I told him.

Rachel Berry: Who told you?

Quinn Fabray: Me. I think Brittany told me. Or maybe it was Puck.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, it was me.

Rachel Berry: Everybody knew about this but me?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Pretty much.

Santana Lopez: Nobody tells you anything because A, you're a blabber mouth and B, we all just pretend to like you.

Noah Puckerman: That's not true. I kind of like her.

Finn Hudson: Look, Rachel, when this all happened, you were dating another guy, so you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine. I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all.

Rachel Berry: Oh, who are you right now?

Lauren Zizes: Best... green room... ever.

Rachel Berry: You know what? You guys are going to have to find somebody else to mindlessly harmonize in the background, because I'm not going onstage with him.

Artie Abrams: Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittany.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Me, either.

Will Schuester: Enough! Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room. No set list, no choreography. No chance in hell of winning, but you did win. Because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes, remind yourselves that you're not alone. All right. Show time!

Artie Abrams: Just tell me why you would cheat on me.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. Why would I cheat on you? Is this, like, a mad lib, or something?

Artie Abrams: You cheated on me with Mike. You admitted it to me in the green room.

Brittany S. Pierce: When?

Artie Abrams: When I was accusing you of adultery.

Brittany S. Pierce: What does that have to do with me cheating?

Artie Abrams: "Adultery" means cheating.

Brittany S. Pierce: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt. I didn't cheat on you. I did something much worse. I lost your magic comb. I don't know what happened. I had it in my pocket. And then I went to motocross practice, and then, when I left, it was gone. That's why I've been avoiding you. I was so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance of winning, the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn't want to let you down, Artie.

Artie Abrams: That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.

Brittany S. Pierce: And you let me comb my hair with it?

Artie Abrams: You don't need a magic comb. You're magic, Brittany... the way you move... And I just should have told you that in the first place, and I'm sorry.

Brittany S. Pierce: When I'm out there dancing today, it won't be for the team or for the crowd. It will be for you.

Noah Puckerman: What are you doing?

Lauren Zizes: I'm a wrestler. This is how I get psyched up for competition.

Noah Puckerman: Listen, you don't have to be nervous. You saved my life. I've got your back.

Lauren Zizes: Oh, I'm not nervous. You know why?

Noah Puckerman: Why?

Lauren Zizes: Because show choir is stupid.

Announcer: And now for our final performance of the program... from McKinley high, the new directions!

Quinn Fabray: What?

Sam Evans: You look beautiful.
# Now I've had the time of my life #

New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #

Sam Evans: # No, I've never felt like this before #
# Yes, I swear it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #

Quinn Fabray: # 'Cause I've had the time of my life #
# And I owe it all to you #

Sam Evans: # I've been waiting for so long #
# And now I finally found someone #
# To stand by me #

New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #

Quinn Fabray: # We saw the writing on the wall #
# As we felt this magical fantasy #

Sam & Quinn: # Now with passion in our eyes #
# There's no way we could disguise it secretly #

New Directions: # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da... #

Sam & Quinn: # So we take each other's hand #
# 'Cause we seem to understand the urgency #

Quinn Fabray: # Oh #

Sam Evans: # Just remember #

Quinn Fabray: # You're the one thing #

Sam Evans: # I can't get enough of #

New Directions: # I can't get enough of #

Quinn Fabray: # So I'll tell you something #

Sam & Quinn: # This could be love #
# Because I've had the time of my life #
# No, I never felt like this before #
# Never felt this way #
# Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #

New Directions: # Ba ba ba ba ba ba #
# Ba ba ba ba ba ba #
# Ba ba ba ba #

Sam Evans: # Now I've had the time of my life #

Quinn Fabray: # I've #

Sam Evans: # No, I never felt this way before #

Quinn Fabray: # Never felt this way #

Sam Evans: # Yes, I swear, it's the truth #
# And I owe it all to you #

Sam & Quinn: # Oh, I had the time of my life #
# No, I never felt like this before "

Santana Lopez: # Never felt this way #

Sam & Quinn: # Yes, I swear, it's the truth #

Mercedes Jones: # It's the truth #

Sam & Quinn: # And I owe it all to you #

Santana Lopez: # Well, sometimes I go out by myself #
# And I look across the water #
# And I think of all the things, what you're doing #
# And in my head, I paint a picture #
# 'Cause since I've come on home #
# Well, my body's been a mess #
# And I miss your ginger hair #
# And the way you like to dress #
# Oh, won't you come on over? #
# Stop making a fool out of me #
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie? #
# Valerie... #

New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #

Santana Lopez: # Valerie #

New Directions: # Valerie, Valerie #

Santana Lopez: # Valerie #

New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #

Santana Lopez: # Well, sometimes #
# I go out by myself and I look across the water #
# And I think of all the things, what you're doing #
# And in my head I paint a picture #
# 'Cause since I've come on home Ah, ah... #
# Well, my body's been a mess #
# And I've missed your ginger hair #
# And the way you like to dress #
# Ah, ah... Won't you come on over? #
# Stop makin' a fool out of me #
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie? #
# Valerie... #

New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #

Santana Lopez: # Valerie #

New Directions: # Valerie, Valerie #

Santana Lopez: # Valerie #

New Directions: # Why don't you come on over? #

Santana Lopez: # Why don't you come on over Valerie? #

Announcer: And now, this year's head judge, associate director of the Ohio department of motor vehicles, Mr. Pete Sosnowski.

Pete Sosnowski: Thank you. And thank you to all the groups who performed here today. We all had a serious good time. You know what else is a serious good time? Taking two minutes to save a life by filling out an organ donor card. Because it's never too late to donate. Drum roll, please. In third place... The hipsters! Thank you. Drive carefully. And now, the winner of this year's west-central sectional is... It's a tie. Congratulations! You're all going to the regionals!

Blaine Anderson: Congratulations.

Will Schuester: Oh, nice work. See you at regionals.

Finn Hudson: We get to go on.

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Will Schuester: You okay?

Emma Pillsbury: Is that it? Is that your trophy?

Will Schuester: Yeah, this is it.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow.

Will Schuester: We won.

Emma Pillsbury: I know. I heard. It's exciting. Congratulations.

Will Schuester: Thanks.

Emma Pillsbury: I wanted to call you, but I, uh...

Will Schuester: Emma, it's cool.

Emma Pillsbury: Guess you didn't need your good luck charm, after all.

Will Schuester: You were missed.

Emma Pillsbury: I need to tell you about my weekend.

Will Schuester: I think I'd rather not hear all the details.

Emma Pillsbury: Carl took me to Vegas...

Will Schuester: Why are you telling me this? Is-is that an engagement ring?

Emma Pillsbury: It's a wedding ring, actually.

Will Schuester: I... I... I'm happy for you.

Emma Pillsbury: Will, I...

Will Schuester: Let's just... leave it at that, hmm?

Rachel Berry: When we first started Glee club, I told Mr. Schuester that being a part of something special makes you special, and I don't know, I just... I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But winning that way at sectionals... it really reminded me of it.

Finn Hudson: Are we a part of something special... you and me?

Rachel Berry: Yes.

Finn Hudson: I love you. No more lying... ever.

Rachel Berry: There's, um, something that I-I need to tell you. Last week, when... when we were fighting, I was... I was so mad at you and I was... I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt.

Rachel Berry: Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?

Noah Puckerman: I did this to Finn once before. I-I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go.

Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry, and-and it will never, ever happen again.

Finn Hudson: I knew you were a lot of things, Rachel, and I loved you because and in spite of all of them, but... I never thought you were mean.

Rachel Berry: I'm saying that I'm sorry. And doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?

Finn Hudson: We weren't together. I didn't cheat on you. How could you do this to me?

Rachel Berry: It was a mistake. Well, maybe we should go to another counseling session with miss Pillsbury.

Finn Hudson: Can't have couple's counseling if you're not a couple.

Rachel Berry: You're breaking up with me?

Finn Hudson: What you did was really bad, Rachel. And you knew how sensitive I'd be about this after what happened with Quinn.

Rachel Berry: You said you'd never break up with me.

Finn Hudson: I never thought you'd make me feel like this.

Blaine Anderson: I got your text. What's wrong?

Kurt Hummel: It's Pavarotti. I think he's sick. I've been taking good care of him, but he-he won't sing, and-and he's losing his feathers.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, he's just molting. He's growing a new coat of feathers, so his body has to shut down a little. But don't worry about it. He's got food, water, he seems to like his cage. Just give it a little while. He'll be singing again in no time. Don't forget. Warbler practice tonight at 5:00. Regionals, here we come.

Mike Chang: You changed your look.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, this is more me. I'm sorry I doubted you, Mike.

Mike Chang: Asian kiss?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Asian kiss.

Will Schuester: Congratulations, guys. It wasn't pretty, but we're moving on. And I, for one, am going to be happy to have regionals and nationals to focus on.

Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue, we heard the news about miss Pillsbury marrying the finest dentist alive.

Will Schuester: It's all right. We don't need to talk about it. Now... I know we've had our, um... Our dramas this week, but our family's back in a happy place, and I think we should celebrate the best way we know how. Rachel... so how would you like to solo?

Rachel Berry: Thanks, but, um, I don't really feel like a solo right now. I-I'd like to defer to this week's two unsung heroes, Mercedes and Tina.

Mercedes Jones: Well, don't have to ask me twice.

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Happiness hit her like a train #
# On a track #

Mercedes Jones: # Coming towards her #
# Stuck, still no turning back #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # She hid around corners, and she hid under beds #

Mercedes Jones: # She killed it #
# With kisses, and from it she fled #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# The horses are coming, so you better run #

Mercedes & Tina: # Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father #
# Run for your children #
# For your sisters and your brothers #
# Leave all your love and your loving behind #
# You can't carry it with you if you want to survive #
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# Can't you hear the horses? #
# 'Cause here they come. #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # And I never wanted anything from you. #
# Except everything you had, #
# And what was left after that too. Oh! #

Mercedes & Tina: # Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father #
# Run for your children #
# For your sisters and your brothers #
# Leave all your love and your loving behind #
# You can't carry it with you if you want to survive #
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# Can't you hear the horses? #
# 'Cause here they come.
# The dog days are over #
# The dog days are done #
# The horses are comin', #
# So you'd better run. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt's trying to get used to another school, and Will's trying to get used to the fact that Emma went to Vegas with her boyfriend and came home married.

Will Schuester: I'm happy for you.

Ian Brennan: Brittany thinks Artie's the best boyfriend ever.

Artie Abrams: You're magic, Brittany.

Ian Brennan: Which is what Rachel used to think about Finn. But then she learned this secret about him and Santana which made her super mad.

Rachel Berry: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Emma Pillsbury: Don't answer that.

Ian Brennan: So she made out with Puck, which made Finn super mad.

Finn Hudson: I'm done with you!

Ian Brennan: Because his girlfriends are always making out with Puck.

Noah Puckerman: Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert.

Ian Brennan: It's like a thing. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey, Will.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: Are we okay? You know, we haven't really talked since I told you about me and Carl. I mean, we haven't talked at all. Are you avoiding me?

Will Schuester: Not at all.

Emma Pillsbury: So, what are you doing for Christmas this year?

Will Schuester: Just a little quiet time alone this year.

Emma Pillsbury: Will, you can't spend Christmas by yourself; that's horrible. Look, um, Carl and I are having a big Christmas Eve party. Please at least stop by.

Will Schuester: Well, thanks, Emma, that's very sweet of you guys, but... I think it's best if we just keep things separate for a while.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, okay.

Shannon Beiste: Okay, educators, gather around. It's time to pick your Secret Santa. Everybody's name is in the tub. You get who you get, and you don't get upset, all right?

Brittany S. Pierce: There. Last year, I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation, and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.

Artie Abrams: I told my parents that I only want one thing for Christmas this year: Stop friend requesting me on Facebook.

Brittany S. Pierce: What are you asking Santa for?

Artie Abrams: I'm sorry?

Brittany S. Pierce: Artie... the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous. You need to write your letter to Santa really fast and get it in the mail today. And remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.

Artie Abrams: No way.

Tina Cohen-Chang: # We're on the island of misfit toys
# Here we don't wanna stay

Artie Abrams: # We want to travel with Santa Claus in his magic sleigh
# A pack full of toys means a sack full of joys
# For millions of girls and for millions of boys
# When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year

Sam Evans: # A jack-in-the-box waits for children to shout

Quinn Fabray: # Wake up! Don't you know that it's time to come out!

Tina & Artie: # When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year
# Toys galore scattered on the floor
# There's no room for more
# And it's all because of Santa Claus

Sam Evans: # A scooter for Jimmy

Quinn Fabray: # A dolly for Sue

Sam Evans: # The kind that will even say

Brittany S. Pierce: # "How do you do?"

Tina Cohen-Chang: # When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful day of the year

Brittany S. Pierce: # How'd you like to be a spotted elephant?

Artie Abrams: # Or a choo-choo with square wheels on your caboose!

Quinn Fabray: # Or a water pistol that shoots..... jelly?

New Directions: # We're all Misfits!

Tina & Artie: # If we're on the island of unwanted toys
# We'll miss all the fun with the girls and the boys
# When Christmas Day is here
# The most wonderful, wonderful
# Wonderful, wonderful
# Wonderful day of the year!

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. What's this?

Finn Hudson: Oh, we're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Schue. Christmas is totally my favorite holiday. And check out this awesome tree! I found it on the side of the road. It must have fell off some guy's car.

Will Schuester: And the ornaments?

Santana Lopez: The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. And when they carted him off, they left the house, like, wide open, so... I think she was a holiday hoarder.

Will Schuester: Uh... a-and the presents?

Noah Puckerman: I lifted them from a display at the mall. But don't worry. They're empty.

Will Schuester: Guys, look, I appreciate the effort, but this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like.

Mercedes Jones: For us, it is. This tree is like a mascot for Glee Club. We won Sectionals two years in a row, and according to everyone at this school, we still suck.

Tina Cohen-Chang: ... this reindeer sweater last year...

Azimio Adams: Ooh! Ho-Ho-Ho, losers. Ha-ha!

Mike Chang: I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush from the parking lot.

Lauren Zizes: You can eat that, you know.

Will Schuester: No, no. I am not gonna let you guys throw yourselves a pity party. Look, I'm the first one to say that things haven't turned out exactly how I would have liked them to this year, but Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did.

Noah Puckerman: I thought that was Thanksgiving.

Will Schuester: And this year, Glee Club is going to lend a hand to the McKinney-Vento Homeless Children and Youth program right here in Lima.

Rachel Berry: How are we going to do that?

Will Schuester: The only way we know how— by singing about it. We're going to go classroom to classroom, caroling, to raise money for McKinney-Vento.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait, classrooms in this school? With like, students in them?

Will Schuester: Well, if there are no students in them, there will be no one to put money in the collection box while we sing.

Quinn Fabray: We're gonna be killed.

Finn Hudson: No, guys, it's Christmas... a time for miracles. We got to try this.

Will Schuester: Finn's right. So let's start rehearsing. This year, Glee Club's going full Santa.

Mercedes Jones: # Haul out the holly
# Put up the tree before
# My spirit falls again
# Fill up the stocking
# I may be rushing things but
# Deck the halls again now

Student: You suck!

Student: Who goes caroling with a band?

Student: I'd seriously rather be learning.

Mercedes Jones: For we need a little Christmas

Student: You're making me hate Christmas!

Mercedes Jones: Right this very minute

Student: Yeah, that's right, leave!

Student: You suck!

Student: I hate you!

Finn Hudson: Go, go, go!

Rachel Berry: I can't believe that that teacher let those students speak to us like that.

Noah Puckerman: I can't believe she threw her shoe at us.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I guess we're done caroling.

Finn Hudson: No, we're not, guys. We can't let what just happened ruin our Christmas spirit. Mr. Schue got us this beautiful tree to inspire us. We're gonna practice now, and gear up for round two tomorrow.

Brittany S. Pierce: Pretty soon, no one will bully us. Santa Claus can do anything, and this year, I asked for the Glee Club to stop getting picked on.

Lauren Zizes: She's kidding, right?

Artie Abrams: Guys, this is serious. Listen up. Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.

Mercedes Jones: You cannot be serious.

Sam Evans: Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.

Quinn Fabray: She's gonna find out sooner or later.

Rachel Berry: Would you mind, um... meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at 4:00?

Finn Hudson: Sure.

Lauren Zizes: Okay, somebody needs to break the news to her.

Noah Puckerman: Uh-uh. Don't look at me. I mean, I'm cruel and all, but that's just hardcore.

Artie Abrams: Right. That's my point! Hear me out. Remember when you were a kid, how excited you would get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little while longer?

Mike Chang: How?

Artie Abrams: I've got it all figured out.

Brittany S. Pierce: Can I be honest? I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave.

Quinn Fabray: I'm not sitting on that guy's lap. Santas' laps are always really warm, and it's creepy.

Artie Abrams: We all have to sit on Santa's lap. If Brittany sees that we all still believe, it will make her strong enough to withstand all the Santa naysayers in the world.

Sam Evans: Which is everyone over the age of six.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work. That guy doesn't even look like Santa.

Artie Abrams: Trust me, all Brittany's gonna see is the suit. She wants to believe in him. Mercedes, get up there.

Brittany S. Pierce: Go, Mercedes, go, Mercedes, go.

Mercedes Jones: I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony, and a doll that laughs and cries and... One of us smells like McDonalds.

Noah Puckerman: I would like Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. I would also like sweet potato fries.

Santana Lopez: I want bling; I can't be any more specific than that. Okay, wait, hold up. Please tell me that is a roll of Certs in your pocket.

Quinn Fabray: Do you have anything for stretch marks?

Sam Evans: ChapStick. Lots of ChapStick.

Mike Chang: I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.

Tina Cohen-Chang: When does Asian Santa arrive?

Christmas Elf: Next.

Brittany S. Pierce: Just know, you have rights.

Mall Santa: Ho, ho, ho! What's your name?

Brittany S. Pierce: Brittany. You've gotten really tan.

Mall Santa: That's because at the North Pole there's a hole in the ozone.

Brittany S. Pierce: You're amazing. I know you're really busy, so I only want one thing for Christmas. Do you see my boyfriend over there? For Christmas, I want him to be able to walk. You can do that, can't you, Santa?

Mall Santa: Sure... I'm on it.

Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you so much, Santa.

Artie Abrams: Now we're screwed.

Rachel Berry: Now, remember, it has to be lush and romantic.

Finn Hudson: Why?

Rachel Berry: Because I am very specific when I give a gift. You don't know how many kittens I've given away because they haven't been just right. So, do you like my winter wonderland?

Finn Hudson: Well, I don't really like artificial Christmas trees. I like real ones. They smell amazing; that's kind of the whole point.

Rachel Berry: Right. Anyway... Merry Christmas. Being a Jew, I generally don't give Christmas gifts, but considering how much you care about the holiday I figured I'd make an exception. Just... read it. It's a note.

Finn Hudson: "The bearer of this note is entitled to one song of Rachel Berry's choosing, sung to him or her with love."

Rachel Berry: At least it's not a kitten. Come sit.

Finn Hudson: I-I don't think so. I know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work.

Rachel Berry: Look, not letting me apologize isn't fair.

Finn Hudson: I've let you apologize plenty, and I know that Christmas is supposed to be about forgiveness but... I'm not ready to forgive you, so please stop trying to make me.

Guitarist: Should we, like, leave?

Rachel Berry: # No.　Whether it's a heart attack or heartbreak, just like on Broadway, the show must go on.　Besides, the AV Club worked so hard on the snow. #
# Greeting cards have all been sent, #
# The Christmas rush is through, #
# But I still have one wish to make, #
# A special one for you, #
# Merry Christmas darling, #
# We're apart that's true, #
# But I can dream and in my dreams, #
# I'm Christmas-ing with you, #
# Holidays are joyful, #
# There's always something new, #
# But every day's a holiday, #
# When I'm near to you, #
# The lights on my tree, #
# I wish you could see, #
# I wish it every day, #
# The logs on the fire, #
# Fill me with desire, #
# To see you and to say, #
# That I wish you Merry Christmas #
# Happy New Year, too, #
# I've just one wish on this Christmas Eve, #
# I wish I were with you, #
# I wish I were with you, #
# Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, darling #

Blaine Anderson: Hey.

Kurt Hummel: You scared me.

Blaine Anderson: Good. Because I'm actually Marley's ghost, and : I'm here to tell you to stop studying so hard.

Kurt Hummel: Hmm. What's with the boom box?

Blaine Anderson: I need you to sing with me. Well, rehearse with me. I got a gig singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" in the King's Island Christmas Spectacular.

Kurt Hummel: Ah, a personal favorite. Too bad they'd never let us sing it together. I mean, as two... artists.

Blaine Anderson: Mmm. So you going to help me out here?

Kurt Hummel: Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne.

Blaine Anderson: Very good, then.

Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #

Blaine Anderson: # But baby, it's cold outside. #

Kurt Hummel: # I've got to go away. #

Blaine Anderson: # But baby, it's cold outside. #

Kurt Hummel: # This evening has been... #

Blaine Anderson: # Been hoping that you'd drop in. #

Kurt Hummel: # ...so very nice. #

Blaine Anderson: # I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice. #

Kurt Hummel: # My mother will start to worry. #

Blaine Anderson: # Beautiful, what's your hurry? #

Kurt Hummel: # My father will be pacing the floor. #

Blaine Anderson: # Listen to the fireplace roar. #

Kurt Hummel: # So really, I'd better scurry. #

Blaine Anderson: # Beautiful, please don't hurry. #

Kurt Hummel: # But maybe just a half a drink more. #

Blaine Anderson: # Put some records on while I pour. #

Kurt Hummel: # The neighbors might think. #

Blaine Anderson: # Baby, it's bad out there. #

Kurt Hummel: # Say, what's in this drink? #

Blaine Anderson: # No cabs to be had out there. #

Kurt Hummel: # I wish I knew how... #

Blaine Anderson: # Your eyes are like starlight now. #

Kurt Hummel: # ...to break the spell. #

Blaine Anderson: # I'll take your hat; your hair looks well. #

Kurt Hummel: # I ought to say no, no, no, Sir. #

Blaine Anderson: # Mind if I move in closer? #

Kurt Hummel: # At least I'm gonna say that I tried. #

Blaine Anderson: # What's the sense in hurting my pride? #

Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #

Blaine Anderson: # Baby, don't hold out. #

Kurt & Blaine: # Ah/Oh, but/Baby it's cold outside. #

Kurt Hummel: # I've gotta get home. #

Blaine Anderson: # But baby, you'll freeze out there. #

Kurt Hummel: # Say, lend me your coat. #

Blaine Anderson: # It's up to your knees out there. #

Kurt Hummel: # You've really been grand. #

Blaine Anderson: # I thrill when you touch my hand. #

Kurt Hummel: # But don't you see. #

Blaine Anderson: # How can you do this thing to me? #

Kurt Hummel: # There's bound to be talk tomorrow. #

Blaine Anderson: # Think about a life long sorrow. #

Kurt Hummel: # At least there will be plenty implied. #

Blaine Anderson: # If you caught pneumonia and died. #

Kurt Hummel: # I really can't stay. #

Blaine Anderson: # Get over that hold out. #

Kurt & Blaine: # Ahh/Oh, but/Baby it's cold outside! #

Kurt Hummel: I think you're ready.

Blaine Anderson: Well, for the record, you are much better than that girl's going to be.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schuester.

Will Schuester: Oh, good to see you, Kurt. Someone special?

Kurt Hummel: No, just a friend. But on the upside, I am in love with him, and he's actually gay. I call that progress.

Will Schuester: How you doing?

Kurt Hummel: Classes are harder, but the kids are kinder. But I miss you guys a lot, though. So what brings you here? Are you looking for teaching at a place where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?

Will Schuester: Actually, I need some holiday help. I don't know if you know this, but I am really bad at Christmas shopping.

Terri Schuester: Oh, honey, just what I wanted. Jumper cables.

Will Schuester: This year, I drew Sue in the office pool Secret Santa. And I tell you, I... I can't think of anything good. And you are so great at shopping, I thought I'd...

Kurt Hummel: I have the perfect idea.

Will Schuester: I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa.

Will Schuester: Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa.

Shannon Beiste: No, Sue's my Secret Santa.

Sue Sylvester: I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those wherever.

Emma Pillsbury: You rigged Secret Santa?

Shannon Beiste: How? It was my idea.

Sue Sylvester: Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful. Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion.

Emma Pillsbury: You filled your tub with your name only.

Sue Sylvester: You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless. See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella.

Will Schuester: That was Kurt's idea.

Sue Sylvester: Ah-ah-ah, William. These gifts are legally mine. Now, you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft.

Will Schuester: We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue.

Emma Pillsbury: You're not going to get away with this.

Sue Sylvester: I think I already have. William, Elmo, you, get the hell out of my office.

Shannon Beiste: I just got to say, this is a really expensive blender. It's top of the line.

Sue Sylvester: At ease, Becky.

Sue Sylvester: I'm gonna stop you right here. Why are you wearing that hat?

Lauren Zizes: Because it's Christmas and it's fun.

Sue Sylvester: No, it's offensive. You're wearing a Santa Claus hat, and yet you're handing me no gifts. I need gifts.

Lauren Zizes: You want my hat?

Sue Sylvester: It's a start.

Becky Jackson: Coach, we've got a problem.

Will Schuester: Thanks, guys. Those go under the tree in the choir room. Plop it down there. Thank you. Can you believe it? Six different people got Sue a Shake Weight.

Shannon Beiste: Mmm.

Sue Sylvester: Becky, go into the glove box of my LeCar and bring me my tear gas. Then, get me Gloria Allred.

Will Schuester: Merry Christmas, Sue. As you can see, we're repo'ing your gifts. Most can't be returned since you inexplicably opened all of them.

Sue Sylvester: And I licked each one so no one would touch them.

Will Schuester: So the staff has agreed to donate them to the homeless kids at McKinney-Vento. I mean, what is your problem anyway? Were you one of those kids who never got presents at Christmas?

Sue Sylvester: Yes, Dr. Laura. As a matter of fact, I was, and I'm making up for it now.

Shannon Beiste: Face it, Sue. We won.

Sue Sylvester: This will not stand. I have legal rights to those gifts.

Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? You don't. I checked with human resources, and because you misrepresented yourself, it is within our legal right to take back these gifts. Ho, ho, ho. You know what you are, Sue? You're a grinch.

Shannon Beiste: Are you guys punking me? I thought we were cool after you sang me that song.

Artie Abrams: This is serious, Coach.

Sam Evans: Remember when you were a kid, the way you felt when you came downstairs on Christmas morning, seeing that Santa had come?

Shannon Beiste: I do love Santa Claus. One year, I asked him for a full set of free weights. Kept asking my dad, "How did Santy get those 75-pound dumbbells down the chimney?" Should have suspected something when Dad was in traction until the end of January.

Noah Puckerman: You've got the perfect Santa body type.

Shannon Beiste: Watch it, Puckerman.

Sam Evans: Look, we rented the suit. All you need to do is put it on.

Artie Abrams: Just tell her that you can't give her the gift of me walking this year.

Shannon Beiste: That seems so harsh and not at all like Santa.

Artie Abrams: She asked Santa for the impossible— me walking again. If Christmas morning comes around and I'm not dancing in Glee Club rehearsal with no personal explanation from her idol, she's going to lose faith in Old Saint Nick, and we can't have that.

Sam Evans: Tell her the elves are working on it. Elves have awesome cord blood for stem cell research, but these advances are a few years away.

Shannon Beiste: Okay.

Artie Abrams: Great. And then we need you to break into her house.

Shannon Beiste: What? No. No way!

Artie Abrams: The back door will be open. I-I talked to her parents; they really want her to believe, too.

Becky Jackson: Look, Coach. The janitor staff got you hideous gloves.

Sue Sylvester: Give me those. They'll come in handy. No fingerprints. Suit up, Becky.

Becky Jackson: I don't understand why we have to dress up, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: Well, this way, if anyone sees us, we'll have plausible deniability. I repeat, you are a "rein-dog." Trust me, they're real. How am I looking?

Becky Jackson: Fantastic, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you know, Becky, my mastery of camouflage is the only thing that kept me from being court-martialed after that My Lai misunderstanding.

Becky Jackson: Copy that.

Sue Sylvester: Now, let's go get what is rightfully mine. Schuester thinks I'm a grinch, well, that's exactly what he's gonna get.

k.d. lang.: # You’re a mean one #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You really are a heel #
# You’re as cuddly as a cactus #
# You’re as charming as an eel #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel #
# You’re a monster #
# Sue the Grinch #
# Your hearts an empty hole #
# Your brain is full of spiders #
# You’ve got garlic in your soul #
# Sue the Grinch #
# I wouldn’t touch you with a #
# 39 and a half Foot pole #
# You’re a foul one #
# Sue the Grinch #
# You’re a nasty wasty skunk #
# Your heart is full of unwashed socks, #
# Your soul is full of gunk #
# Sue the Grinch #

Sue Sylvester: Becky, load it up.

Brittany S. Pierce: Santa?

Sue Sylvester: Why, Brittany. What are you doing here?

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm bringing a gift to put under the tree for the homeless kids. It's a dollhouse. At least their dolls won't be homeless. What are you doing, Santa?

Sue Sylvester: Well, you see, Brittany, uh, one of the lights on the tree isn't working. So I'm bringing it back home to my workshop. I'll fix it up there, and I'll bring it back here. Oh. Shuffle on home.

Mercedes Jones: They took everything.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Including all of Sue's Secret Santa gifts we were gonna give to the homeless kids.

Rachel Berry: Only further proof that everyone in this school hates us no matter what we do.

Will Schuester: It's not the school. It's Sue. She did this.

Brittany S. Pierce: It wasn't Sue, it was Santa. He said a light was out on the tree, he'd fix everything. We just need to let him do his thing.

Will Schuester: Okay. Are you sure Santa was a boy and not a girl, Brittany?

Brittany S. Pierce: I swear on my life. Santa's a boy; everybody knows that.

Rachel Berry: It was probably one of the boys on the football team.

Will Schuester: I guess it wasn't Sue.

Finn Hudson: So our tree is gone. So our presents are missing.

Brittany S. Pierce: Santa's probably fixing any dents or chips as we speak.

Finn Hudson: All around the world today, way worse things have happened to people than this. Sorry, but I'm not going to let this get us down. 'Tis the season.

Will Schuester: I agree. Come on, guys, let's clean this up. Come on.

Rachel Berry: Finn. You and I are the leaders of this club. All right, we need to fix this. We have to put everything that's happened behind us and save Christmas for the Glee Club. I want to make this right.

Finn Hudson: You smell kind of funny.

Rachel Berry: Oh, I, um, I put this on for the car ride over. I know how much you love the smell of Christmas pine. But guess I don't really need it now that we have the real thing. It's so cold out. It's cuddle weather.

Finn Hudson: It's unseasonably warm, actually, for this time of year, but, uh...

Rachel Berry: I just, I really wanted to come here with you. I mean, the Christmas tree is the foundation of Christmas. It's the hearth of the Christmas home. Without it, there wouldn't be anywhere to hang the ornaments or put the presents under.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Whenever we put the tree up, I always knew Christmas was really here. This one's too small. But, uh...

Rachel Berry: Oh, I love this song. It's, uh, it's my favorite Christmas song. It's Wham!

Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Cool. Um... I'm going to look down this row of Frasier firs. Maybe you could check out the Douglases and I'll meet you at the end.

Rachel Berry: Okay.
# Last Christmas, #
# I gave you my heart #
# But the very next day you gave it away #
# This year #
# To save me from tears #
# I'll give it to someone special #
# Once bitten and twice shy #
# I keep my distance #
# But you still catch my eye #
# Tell me baby #
# Do you recognize me? #

Finn Hudson: # Oh #

Rachel Berry: # Well, it's been a year #

Finn & Rachel: # It doesn't surprise me #

Rachel Berry: # Christmas #

Finn & Rachel: # I wrapped it up and sent it #
# With a note saying "I love you" I meant it #
# Now I know what a fool I've been #
# But if you kissed me now #
# I know you'd fool me again #

New Directions: # Last Christmas #
# I gave you my heart #

Finn Hudson: # But the very next day you gave it away #

Rachel Berry: # Gave it away #

Finn Hudson: # This year #
# To save me from tears #
# I'll give it to someone special. #

Rachel Berry: # Last Christmas #
# I gave you my heart #

New Directions: # But the very next day you gave it away #

Rachel Berry: # You gave me away #

New Directions: # This year #
# To save me from tears #

Finn Hudson: # I'll give it to someone special #

Rachel Berry: # Special #
Last year, for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you.

Finn Hudson: It's not last year anymore.

Rachel Berry: It's Christmas, Finn. It's time for you to forgive me.

Finn Hudson: No, I-I can't. Okay? This is wrong. I shouldn't, I shouldn't have brought you here. You messed me up, Rachel. Can't you see how screwed-up I am about this? I've had two girlfriends, and both of them have cheated on me. Maybe you can ask Santa again for me next year. I'm officially breaking up with you.

Finn Hudson: This was my dad's.

Mike Chang: He'd want you to do it— for those kids.

Noah Puckerman: This was my uncle's. It's the first thing I ever stole, actually.

Quinn Fabray: I'm going to look terrible.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the Rosemary's Baby look and still look good. I'm going to look like Jackie Chan.

Rachel Berry: If Barbra can pull off a bob, so can I.

Santana Lopez: Enough yapping, let's do this.

Will Schuester: Whoa! Whoa! What are you guys doing?

Mercedes Jones: We're going all "Gift of the Magi" to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies.

Sam Evans: The guys are gonna sell their watches and the girls are gonna sell off their hair.

Will Schuester: You can't do that.

Santana Lopez: Oh, no, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine, anyways.

Will Schuester: No, I mean, that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmastime.

Rachel Berry: No, but we tried caroling, and it didn't work.

Artie Abrams: Wait, I thought you and Finn were getting us a new tree.

Rachel Berry: We went, but Finn bailed before we could get one.

Brittany S. Pierce: Nice Christmas spirit, Finn.

Will Schuester: Wait! Guys, no more fighting. Have any of you ever actually read "Gift of the Magi"? None of you?

Quinn Fabray: You don't have to read "Gift of the Magi"; everybody knows what it's about.

Will Schuester: Well, if you actually read it, you'd know what it's about.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know what it's about— life freakin' sucks.

Will Schuester: Actually, you're right. The first Christmas you remember having is the greatest day of your life. Your family's all together, there are loads of presents, cookies. The magic is alive and well. But before you know it, you grow up. Work and school and girlfriends take over and Christmas becomes more of an obligation, a reminder of what's lost instead of what's possible. And all of the trees and the presents and even the mistletoe can't change that. And then when you get to my age... you're so desperate to get that magic back, you'd do anything to be able to feel how you did that first Christmas.

Finn Hudson: So what should we do?

Will Schuester: Put your scissors down, put your watches back on. We're gonna go out and find some people who really need some Christmas spirit, and we are gonna sing for them.

Brittany S. Pierce: Get a good night's rest, Ken, you're gonna need it. Barbie took the early flight from Tampa. Santa? But it's too early.

Shannon Beiste: Well, you know what they say. Early's late if you make tomorrow yesterday.

Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.

Shannon Beiste: You know, Brittany, I was in the neighborhood, doing a dry run. I have so many houses to visit on Christmas Eve, I got to make sure it goes off without a hitch. How about you come sit with ol' Santy? Okay! How about you sit next to Santy instead? Santy's just a little stinky. He needs a good ol' sponge bath from Mrs. Claus. Brittany, do you remember what you asked me for for Christmas?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I asked for Artie to be able to walk.

Shannon Beiste: Is there anything else that you want? I mean, like, anything?

Brittany S. Pierce: No.

Shannon Beiste: Well, see, Santa's trying his best, but that one's a little hard.

Brittany S. Pierce: But you're magic.

Shannon Beiste: Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good girl like you is patience, because, believe it or not, there are even some things that he can't manage. You know, there was a girl a little younger than you and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santy for the same thing: to make her look more like the other girls. She wasn't asking to be pretty or nothing. But she just didn't want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn't do it. So instead Santa gave her patience. And later on, that girl was... was glad that Santy didn't give her what she had asked him for. She— she put being husky to good use.

Brittany S. Pierce: Was her name Ricki Lake?

Shannon Beiste: The point is... I don't think I'm going to be able to give you what you're asking for, even though I'd like to.

Brittany S. Pierce: But, Santa...

Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry, pumpkin. It's-it's just not going to happen.

Brittany S. Pierce: Aren't you going to go up the chimney?

Shannon Beiste: On dry runs, Santy uses the Isuzu.

Artie Abrams: What's going on?

Brittany S. Pierce: I think I've lost the Christmas spirit. It's Santa. I don't know if I can tell you. I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn't magical, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore. It isn't fair that you can't walk, Artie. I feel so terrible.

Artie Abrams: Hey, look at me. I'm fine.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys, we need you in the teachers' lounge.

Artie Abrams: Mr. Schue— Brittany's not feeling so good. Santa thing. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to take her home, make sure she's okay.

Will Schuester: Good idea. We'll make do without you.

Artie Abrams: Okay.

Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so we're your students. All year long you suffer through dealing with us. I imagine having some of us in your classes would slowly chip away at your hopes and dreams, until the whole world just felt like a never-ending nightmare of pain...

Will Schuester: Just get to the point, Finn.

Finn Hudson: Right. Uh, anyway, we're here today to help raise money for children that have a lot less than we do. And I know some of us have had a hard Christmas, but what we've come to learn is that no matter how tough things get, there isn't anything that more Santa or a couple more jingle bells can't cure.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Becky, we did it. We got all my presents back. And as satisfying as it is to have been gifted enough rotisserie ovens to roast an entire hobo— for me, the real joy of Christmas was breaking the collective heart of the Glee Club.

Becky Jackson: What's that, Coach?

Rachel Berry: # Oooooo
# Wooaahhh
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas come this way
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day

Artie Abrams: # Welcome, welcome fahoo ramus

Rachel Berry: # Welcome, welcome dahoo damus

Rachel & Artie: # Christmas Day is in our grasp
# So long as we have hands to clasp

Rachel Berry: # Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas bring your cheer
# Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome all
# Whos far and near

Artie Abrams: # Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus

Rachel Berry: # Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus
# Christmas time will always be
# Just so long as we have glee

Rachel & Artie: # Fahoo fores dahoo dores
# Welcome Christmas bring your light

Becky Jackson: Christmas came anyway, Coach. It's beautiful.

Sue Sylvester: It is.

Finn Hudson: How much did we raise?

Noah Puckerman: 210 bucks. And that's after my cut. I'm kidding.

Rachel Berry: Now that you're divorced and Ms. Pillsbury married another guy, I guess you'll be spending Christmas Eve alone.

Will Schuester: Yes, Rachel, I am.

Rachel Berry: Well, I know how painful being alone can feel, so if you want, you can come over to my house. We're going to eat Chinese and watch The Main Event.

Will Schuester: Thanks, Rachel. I think I'm going to pass. Nothing wrong with being alone.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie.

Artie Abrams: It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time, but... check me out.

Quinn Fabray: Where did you get it?

Brittany S. Pierce: We went home and it was sitting under my Christmas tree.

Sam Evans: How the hell did you afford that thing?

Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer.

Artie Abrams: I assumed her dad got it for me, but he has no idea where it came from. He went to take a long poop, and when he came back it was there.

Rachel Berry: So if no one we know bought it for you, then...

Brittany S. Pierce: Santa brought it.

Mercedes Jones: Santa.

Artie Abrams: Santa.

Quinn Fabray: A real Christmas miracle.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, Will.

Will Schuester: How— how did you get in here?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I had a key made ages ago. How do you like your tree?

Will Schuester: Uh, it's-it's- it's beautiful. Wha-what's going on? What's with all the presents?

Sue Sylvester: Well, you remember that old meanie who stole all that stuff out of the choir room? Well, she's sorry.

Will Schuester: Really? And what made her change her mind?

Sue Sylvester: I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something, but, uh... I got you something special. It's okay, it's not going to explode. I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.

Will Schuester: Thanks, Sue. The tree really does look great.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Santa had some helpers.

Rachel Berry: No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester.

Sue Sylvester: Too much talking, lady, not enough trimming. Come on, let's get some Christmas up in here.

Will Schuester: I thought you hated the holidays.

Sue Sylvester: No, I just hate you.

Will Schuester: Merry Christmas, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Merry Christmas, Will.

Katy Perry: # I know a place #
# Where the grass is really greener #
# Warm, wet and wild #
# There must be something in the water #
# You can travel the world #
# But nothing comes close to the Golden Coast #
# California gurls #
# We're undeniable #
# Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it unlocked #
# West coast, represent #
# Now put your hands up #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh #
# California #
# California gurls. #

Sue Sylvester: I'm bored. Ladies, I am at a loss. Brittany, please remind me of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map.

Brittany S. Pierce: In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders called The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Sue Sylvester: That is correct. And in the meantime, what's changed?

Quinn Fabray: Personal grooming habits?

Sue Sylvester: What's changed is I have completely lost interest. And ladies, I blame you. Becky- more silicone falsies.

Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets, in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed.

Quinn Fabray: But Coach Sylvester, this is the most elaborate routine the Cheerios have ever done. We're shoo-ins at Regionals next week, and we're the favorite to win at Nationals.

Sue Sylvester: And yet I am still so very bored. Even things I used to think were hilarious... Case in point. Sandbags, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet. Now slap Brittany. See? Not even a chuckle.

Quinn Fabray: The problem is you keep trying to make a bigger and bigger spectacle. No matter how hard we try, we can't make a routine work unless you find a way to make it interesting for you. You have to find a way to top yourself.

Sue Sylvester: Q, you just may have a point. But to be sure, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet.

Shannon Beiste: Okay, here go.

Finn Hudson: All right, I just want to take a minute to tell you guys how proud of you I am. We didn't even have to win this game to go to championship next week, but nobody took it off. When we take a knee, we're gonna finish first in conference for the first time in McKinley history.

Noah Puckerman: Football is back, bitches!

Dave Karofsky: Maybe we should all break out into a song after we win.

Finn Hudson: Hey, shut it, Karofsky.

Dave Karofsky: No fricking way. I figure if I stay on you, you'll run away like your little butt buddy Hummel.

Finn Hudson: That's funny, Karofsky, how you're calling everybody gay all the time, but you never seem to have a girlfriend.

Azimio Adams: It's okay. It's okay.

Dave Karofsky: I really hope that linebacker doesn't get the jump on me. I bet it would hurt like hell to get sacked by him.

Football Player: Break!

Football Players: Break!

Finn Hudson: All right. Slow left on one. Ready? Break!

Football Players: Break!

Shannon Beiste: Come on, boys. Let's go.

Finn Hudson: Down! Set!

Football Player: Whoo!

Finn Hudson: Hut!

Dave Karofsky: Nice hands.

Shannon Beiste: What a joke. What the hell happened?! Finn, you're the captain, talk!

Finn Hudson: Karofsky sucks, that's what happened!

Dave Karofsky: That's crap! Hudson's a frickin' girl and couldn't take a joke about his precious Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: Because I'm sick of you guys getting down on us for it. We're in Glee Club. What's the big deal?

Christopher Strando: It's embarrassing! We're dudes! Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Ke$ha song? It's freakin' weird.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah? Well, maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all TiK ToK on your face.

Dave Karofsky: Bring it, Puckerman.

Shannon Beiste: That's enough! That's enough!

Dave Karofsky: Championship game or not, I am not blocking for him.

Shannon Beiste: Get the hell out of here!

Dave Karofsky: Fine!

Shannon Beiste: Go!

Dave Karofsky: Good!

Shannon Beiste: Bunch of babies!

Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss.

Sue Sylvester: Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.

Tattooist: Wait. It's Syvlester, right? Sue Syvlester?

Sue Sylvester: How do I make things interesting again? How do I get those juices flowing? That's it.

Cannonball Guy: This here is the A950.

Sue Sylvester: You say this could shoot someone across a football field?

Cannonball Guy: Several football fields, if you pack in enough explosives. Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe. See, if you want to go for more than, say, 50 yards, you're looking about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure.

Sue Sylvester: Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success. This is the button, right?

Cannonball Guy: No, no, no, no!

Sue Sylvester: You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk, but fella... I'll take it. You got a smaller one?

Cannonball Guy: I'll check stock.

Sue Sylvester: I'm back.

Azimio Adams: So I was going through my bucket list and I noticed you were the only Glee loser that I haven't slushied yet.

Dave Karofsky: Damn near broke his heart.

Artie Abrams: Well, what about the moral implications of abusing a kid in a wheelchair?

Azimio Adams: I say, equal opportunity for all.

Will Schuester: This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club has been going on since I started running the club.

Shannon Beiste: Maybe. It just seems like it's so much worse right now. I've won division championships at three different schools. You have to understand what winning means to a community. Grades go up, the streets are cleaner, crime goes down. It's a sense of pride, of unity. And this school deserves that.

Will Schuester: And you are going to get it for us. I mean, you won almost every game this year.

Shannon Beiste: Winning conference was easy. The team we're up against for championship- they're much better than us. If you don't have thtalent, you re on the chemistry. They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other.

Will Schuester: This whole thing is just so weird. I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee Club.

Shannon Beiste: I just don't know what to do.

Will Schuester: Do you trust me?

Shannon Beiste: You're not going to try and kiss me again, are you?

Will Schuester: If you trust me, I think I know a way to get your team united again.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Really fast. Oh, my God- Artie!

Artie Abrams: It was awful.

Finn Hudson: That's it! Screw rehearsal! This ends here and now.

Noah Puckerman: We're gonna go all Thunderdome on those guys.

Christopher Strando: So this is what the ladies lounge looks like on the inside.

Sam Evans: This is the choir room. Now, put up your fists because you and I are going to do some dancing.

Finn Hudson: No, I got this, Sam.

Dave Karofsky: Coach Beiste told us to come. Where is she?

Shannon Beiste: Watch it. Everyone, have a seat.

Will Schuester: You, too, guys. All right, New Directions!, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: Hey! Come on! Guys!

Shannon Beiste: Hey!

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.

Rachel Berry: And there's no way that I'm sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.

Will Schuester: I don't disagree with you guys. But I talked to Coach Beiste about it, and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool- find some common ground.

Shannon Beiste: All of you are going to be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.

Dave Karofsky: She's bluffing- next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team.

Shannon Beiste: With you, I have no team! You guys have gotta find a way to come together or we're going to get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.

Azimio Adams: If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors.

Finn Hudson: Do you even have any idea what we do in here?

Will Schuester: No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?

Rachel Berry: Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.
# Picture perfect memories #
# Scattered all around the floor #
# Reaching for the phone #
# 'Cause I can't fight it anymore #

Noah & Rachel: # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind #

Rachel Berry: # For me, it happens all the time #

Noah & Rachel: # It's a quarter after one #
# I'm all alone, and I need you n #
# Said I wouldn't call #
# But I've lost all control and I need you now #
# And I don't know how I can do without #
# I just need you now #

Noah Puckerman: # Another shot of whiskey #
# Can't stop looking at the door #
# Wishing you'd come sweeping in #
# The way you did before #

Noah & Rachel: # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind #

Noah Puckerman: # For me, it happens all the time #

Rachel Berry: # It's a quarter after one #
# I'm all alone and I need you now #

Noah Puckerman: # And I said I wouldn't call #
# But I'm a little drunk, and I need you now #

Noah & Rachel: # And I don't know how I can do without #
# I just need you now #

Azimio Adams: The girl with the mohawk had a really nice voice.

Noah Puckerman: Funny.

Football Player: Yeah, man. That's good.

Shannon Beiste: Hey! Hey, get back.

Will Schuester: Great first day, right?

Shannon Beiste: Awesome.

Rachel Berry: Let me at that guy!

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Noah Puckerman: Hey. We used to be best friends... before I got your girlfriend pregnant, and then made out with your other girlfriend and...

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Noah Puckerman: Anyways... I gotta be honest. I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.

Finn Hudson: What's your point?

Noah Puckerman: My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of Top Gun.

Finn Hudson: So why'd youing that duet with Rachel?

Rachel Berry: I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.

Noah Puckerman: Nothing like that will ever happen again. You lead, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends.

Sue Sylvester: Ladies, my "Sue-clear" Weapon. Becky. Brittany... Climb on up. Congratulations. You're doing this stunt for the big competition.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.

Sue Sylvester: Fine. To put your toddler, fist-sized mind at ease, we'll do one final test run. Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.

Quinn Fabray: Don't worry, I'll talk to Mr. Schue and take care of this.

Principal Figgins: Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!

Sue Sylvester: Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. The same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.

Will Schuester: Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk.

Sue Sylvester: I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You are not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.

Principal Figgins: But the risk and danger isn't to you!

Sue Sylvester: That's the best part.

Principal Figgins: Enough! It's decided. You are not allowed to fire yone out of that cannon without their consent! Huh. It's coming out of your paycheck- every penny of it! Oh, God!

Will Schuester: It's a lawsuit.

Will Schuester: I'm telling you, I wish you could have seen it. Sort of like that.

Shannon Beiste: What the hell are you doing?

Sue Sylvester: I'm seing a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.

Will Schuester: Sue!

Shannon Beiste: What the crap are we gonna do now?

Will Schuester: I got it.

Dave Karofsky: No frickin' way!

Will Schuester: We don't have a choice. Sue pulled the Cheerios from the game, so if we don't do it, there's no halftime show.

Lauren Zizes: And this is a problem because?

Shannon Beiste: It's not a problem. It's an opportunity.

Christopher Strando: Opportunity to humiliate ourselves.

Shannon Beiste: Hey! The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together; to bring the school together.

Azimio Adams: Wait- so you want us to play the first half, change into some "sequeen" ball gowns, and then go out and do the halftime show at our own championship game?

Shannon Beiste: Yes.

Azimio Adams: It's the championship game! This is a crazy town. Crazy. This is crazy!

Finn Hudson: What about the Cheerios in Glee Club?

Will Schuester: They have a choice. Us, or the Cheerios competition.

Rachel Berry: Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios. I mean...

Finn Hudson: Well, that's not fair. You don't know what she's gonna do.

Will Schuester: I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time. The Super Bowl of pop anthems- "Thriller." Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? In the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here.

Mercedes Jones: I mean, don't get me wrong, you know- I'm big on Michael and everything- but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?

Will Schuester: Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll."

Azimio Adams: Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?

Shannon Beiste: All right, New Directions!, Titans, we're going to Zombie Camp.

Will Schuester: Uh, five, six, seven, eight. Time out. Time out. Time out.

Dave Karofsky: Back off!

Christopher Strando: Karofsky!

Shannon Beiste: Knock it off!

Will Schuester: Okay, guys. It's good, but let's... put a little life into it.

Dave Karofsky: But we're dead.

Will Schuester: Then put some afterlife into it. t out of your heads and get into your characters, all right? Very creative. I like that. Five, six, seven, eight. All right! Nice progress, guys. Now let's take a breather, and I'll see you in the choir room in five minutes, for a lesson in zombie makeup.

Azimio Adams: Makeup?!? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Shannon Beiste: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Will Schuester: Hey, Dave. Talk to you for a second?

Dave Karofsky: Look, I know I'm bad. Can you just spare me, so can we get through this?

Will Schuester: That's not what I was going to say at all. You're actually really good. If you took that energy you used bullying people and put it into this, you'd be one of most talented guys in the school. Just think about it.

Rachel Berry: ... makeup artist.

Dave Karofsky: Hey, I need to talk to you.

Finn Hudson: Can we not fight for just one day? Man, it's already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you.

Dave Karofsky: You think maybe we should do a warm-up number or something before we do that big "Thriller" thing at halftime? You know, I figure the only way I'm gonna keep any street cred around here after dancing around like an idiot in front of the whole school is if we kick ass at it.

Finn Hudson: Uh... yeah... couldn't agree more.

Brittany S. Pierce: Zombie camp was funner than I expected. And the glee club together with the football team- it's like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.

Quinn Fabray: What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition, then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn.

Santana Lopez: Oh, I'm not.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm Brittany.

Sue Sylvester: Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.

Quinn Fabray: What were you doing in there?

Sue Sylvester: Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops. Well, I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature, tendering your resignation from the Glee Club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you, handwritten and in crayon from the Human Cannon, saying how much it misses you.

Quinn Fabray: Coach, that cannon is going to get Brittany killed. Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national champiohip?

Sue Sylvester: Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.

Quinn Fabray: This is ridiculous.

Sue Sylvester: You had quite a year last year, Q. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios uniform. Ladies, I am giving you the chance, right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios, or choose the Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: How the hell could you do this?

Quinn Fabray: Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What were we supposed to do?

Finn Hudson: Uh, quit Cheerios? Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass- us, Glee Club.

Quinn Fabray: And you don't think that I feel awful about that?

Finn Hudson: You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, you are so naive. This whole school is about labels.

Finn Hudson: Wow. I never realized you were sfreakin' weak.

Quinn Fabray: Oh. I...

Sam Evans: What did you say?

Finn Hudson: All the Cheerios quit Glee Club.

Sam Evans: So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it?

Finn Hudson: I'm yelling at her because I'm the leader of this team.

Sam Evans: Well, maybe it's time for a change at the top.

Finn Hudson: What's that supposed to mean?

Quinn Fabray: This is kind of hot, actually.

Sam Evans: It means that maybe the reason everyone hates us is because we need some new leadership. Face it, you've had your feet in both worlds for a year, and never been able to bring them together. Maybe someone else could.

Finn Hudson: What, as in maybe you?

Sam Evans: As in yes.

Finn Hudson: Well, maybe we should settle this right now.

Sam Evans: Bring it.

Finn Hudson: Brung. Want some more of that? Huh? Yeah. You like that? Huh?

Quinn Fabray: Really, guys? Really.

Will Schuester: Hey, hey! How many fights do I have to break up this week? Now calm down... and get back to Glee Club. Come on.

Finn Hudson: Hope to see you there.

Finn Hudson: # Well, no one told me about her #
# The way she lied #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# How many people cried #
# Well, it's too late to say you're sorry #
# How would I know? #
# Why should I care? #
# Please don't bother trying to find her #
# She's not there #
# Well, let me tell you about the way she looked #
# The way she acted, the color of her hair #
# Her voice is soft and cool #
# Her eyeare clear and bright, but she's not there #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# What could I do? #
# Well, no one told me about her #
# Though they all knew #
# Well, it's too late to say you're sorry #
# How would I know? #
# Why should I care? #
# Please don't bother trying to find her #
# She's not there #
# Well, let me tell you about the way she looked #
# The way she acted, the color of her hair! #
# Her voice is soft and cool #
# Her eyes are clear and bright, but she's not there. #

Lauren Zizes: It's all good.

Will Schuester: Guys... Awesome! Seriously. All you football players nailing that Zombies classic on the first time out. I am impressed.

Scott Cooper: Appropriate outfits. They represent the death of your guyses' reign at this school.

Finn Hudson: How many times do we have to put you puckheads in your place before you realize that football rules this school?

Scott Cooper: Maybe, but not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show. You know it, we know it, the whole school knows it.

Dave Karofsky: They'll think different after they see it. It's going to be awesome.

Scott Cooper: Holy crap. They turned Karofsky gay.

Noah Puckerman: What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushees?

Scott Cooper: Ready for the fireworks? It's Independence Day.

Dave Karofsky: Oh, my eyes! It's burning!

Finn Hudson: Just relax; it stops after a couple hours.

Dave Karofsky: No frickin' way I'm letting that happen again.

Artie Abrams: He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial.

Dave Karofsky: No! I am not a loser. And I don't sing and dance. I walk tall d carra big stick.

Finn Hudson: Dude, relax... this is gonna be fine.

Dave Karofsky: Yeah, of course it is. 'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.

Shannon Beiste: No, you're not. Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven, you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on the field.

Dave Karofsky: I don't care. I'm out.

Shannon Beiste: Then you're off the team.

Dave Karofsky: No way.

Shannon Beiste: Yeah.

Dave Karofsky: If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week. It's the championship game. You're not going to throw it away.

Shannon Beiste: Try me.

Finn Hudson: Don't do this. If we stand together, and we do the halftime show, we can win this game and be kings in this place.

Dave Karofsky: Good luck with that.

The Warblers: # Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding #
# Ding-a, ding-a, ka-ding, ding #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding, ding #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding #
# Dink-a, dink-a, dink-a, dink-a, dink #
# Ding, dig-a-ding, ding, ding #
# Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #

Blaine Anderson: # At first, we started out real cool #
# Taking me places I ain't never been #
# But now you're getting comfortable #
# Ain't doing those things you did no more #
# You're slowly making me pay for things #
# Your money should be handling #
# And now you ask to use my car #

The Warblers: # Car #

Blaine Anderson: # Drive it all day and don't fill up the tank #
# And you have the audacity #
# To even come and step to me #
# Ask to hold some money from me #
# Until you get your check next week #
# You trifling #
# Good-for-nothing type of brother #
# Silly me #
# Why haven't lound another? #
# A baller #
# When times get hard, I need someone to help me out #
# Instead of a scrub like you #
# Who don't know what a man's about #
# Can you pay my bills? #
# Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Do you pay my automo-bills? #
# If you did, then maybe we could chill #
# I don't think you do #
# So you and me are through #

The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #

Blaine Anderson: # You trifling, good-for-nothing #
# Type of brother #
# Silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? A baller #
# When times get hard, I need someone to help me out #
# Instead of a scrub like you #
# Who don't know what a man's about #

The Warblers: # Can you pay my bills? #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #

The Warblers: # Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
# If you did, then maybe we could chill #

Blaine Anderson: # I don't think you do, no #
# So you and me are through #

The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #

Blaine Anderson: # You trifling #
# Good-for-nothing type of brother #
# O silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? #
# You trifling, good-for-nothing type of brother #
# Oh, silly me #
# Why haven't I found another? #

The Warblers: # Can you pay my bills?
# Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #

Blaine Anderson: # Pay my telephone, telephone bills #

The Warblers: # If you did, then maybe we could chill #

Blaine Anderson: # I don't think you do #
# So you and me are through #

The Warblers: # Dig-a-ding, ding, ding, ding #
# Can you pay my bills #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #

The Warblers: # Can you pay my telephone bills? #
# Can you pay my automo-bills? #
# Can you pay my bills? #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, said #
# I don't think you do #
# I don't think you do, no, no #
# So you and me are through. #
Guys, I'd say we're ready for Regionals.

Kurt Hummel: Medium drip.

Blaine Anderson: Me. Thank you very much. Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for Regionals, because the number we just rehearsed is so off-the-hook, it's dangerous.

Kurt Hummel: Seriously. People should wear protective headgear when they're watching it. Guys, we're kidding.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.

Mercedes Jones: I mean, look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee- our school is so messed up, we can't even keep our own football team together.

Rachel Berry: It's so sad, you guys. Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue were so close to getting everyone at the school together.

Kurt Hummel: Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? I mean, we live together. I mean, I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes that we'll have a little lady-chat.

Blaine Anderson: Warm milk? Really?

Kurt Hummel: It's delicious.

Rachel Berry: Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside. I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together, I could make him feel a lot better, you know.

Kurt Hummel: Let it go, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: I... I just wish thathere was a way that we could help. That's all. Yeah.

Mercedes Jones: And the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while.

Blaine Anderson: Wait, so the whole team quit?

Mercedes Jones: Everybody not in Glee. I mean, you can't play football with five guys. And one of them is in a wheelchair.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join. I think they'll take anyone at this point.

Blaine Anderson: Well, the good news is, you actually only need four more guys. High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short, if you want to. But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer them on.

Kurt Hummel: Totally. Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.

Shannon Beiste: I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season. You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play?

Will Schuester: It's like crossing a picket line. Nobody wants to be a scab.

Shannon Beiste: I guess we should go break it to them.

Sam Evans: Why can't we just let them back on the team, just for this game?

Shannon Beiste: No. We carry this thing through, even if it means having to forfeit the game.

Finn Hudson: I can't believe this is it.

Rachel Berry: Maybe it isn't. We want to join the team.

Artie Abrams: "We," who?

Mercedes Jones: All us Glee girls. We want to join the football team, and we want to play in the championship.

Mike Chang: Come on, guys. Stop screwing around. It's not cool.

Lauren Zizes: What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football. And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is. I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so...

Will Schuester: Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah. And not in the good, Mellencamp way.

Rachel Berry: We thought about that. But the truth is, is that you guys don't really need us to play. You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team. So when they snap the ball, we're just going to lie down on the ground. We're just going to lie there.

Lauren Zizes: Well, I'm not. I'm going to bring the pain.

Shannon Beiste: I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down.

Will Schuester: Okay, what do your parents have to say about this?

Tina Cohen-Chang: We all have signed permission slips from them. It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us.

Will Schuester: What do you think, Coach?

Shannon Beiste: I think... Welcome to the football team.

Girls of ND: Yes!

Rachel Berry: Football team, football team. High five, teammate.

Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't want to die.

Sue Sylvester: You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all "boom boom," and no "pow." And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.

Brittany S. Pierce: Baby cannons?

Sue Sylvester: And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work. Do you want us to win, or don't you?

Brittany S. Pierce: How many M's are there in the letter "R"?

Sue Sylvester: Make an "X."

Finn Hudson: It's not too late.

Dave Karofsky: To commit social suicide? How the hell you going to play with five guys, huh? You have got to be kidding me.

Azimio Adams: What the hell are they doing?

Finn Hudson: What you don't have the balls to do.

Azimio Adams: Stupid.

Finn Hudson: Are you ready for this?

Rachel Berry: Let's kick some ass!

Finn Hudson: Punch and Judy on one. Ready? Break!

Football Players: Break.

Mercedes Jones: Who's Judy?

Shannon Beiste: Let's go!

Rachel Berry: Where do I go?

Finn Hudson: Stand right there.

Rachel Berry: What do I do?

Lauren Zizes: You're gonna die.

Finn Hudson: Blue 42! Blue 42! Down! Set! Hike!

Shannon Beiste: Damn it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: What happened? What happened?

Rachel Berry: Is it over?

Finn Hudson: All right. How's everyone doing?

Mercedes Jones: Kill me now, I'm gonna die.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I want to play.

Finn Hudson: Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay? Ready? Break.

Shannon Beiste: All right, guys. Let's go!

Finn Hudson: Down!

Shannon Beiste: Blitz. Blitz. Watch.

Finn Hudson: Set! Hike!

Shannon Beiste: Get the ball! Get the ball! Get the ball! Come on! Get it! Get it! Go, go, go, go!

Burt Hummel: Go, go! Go!

Carole Hudson: Go, go, go!

Shannon Beiste: Go!

Mike Chang: Tina? Is she breathing?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Did we win?

Finn Hudson: We're still in this.

Rachel Berry: Give it up, Finn. Our only shot at redemption right now is to kick butt at the halftime show.

Finn Hudson: Sam! Come here. I need you to play quarterback for the rest of the half.

Sam Evans: Okay.

Finn Hudson: Puck, when the half ends, you gotta go convince Karofsky and the rest of the guys to do the halftime show with us.

Noah Puckerman: How the hell am I supposed to do that?

Finn Hudson: Figure it out. You're my wingman, right?

Noah Puckerman: I got tone, Mav.

Rachel Berry: Where are you going?

Finn Hudson: Can't have a halftime show without cheerleaders.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm gonna die.

Santana Lopez: It'll be worth it.

Finn Hudson: Hey!

Quinn Fabray: What are you doing here?

Finn Hudson: Stopping you from going to Sue's Regionals competition. You guys got to come to the game with me.

Quinn Fabray: Haven't you been payingttention? If we're not Cheerios!, we're nothing.

Finn Hudson: You think that, but it's not true. You joined Cheerios to be popular, but you joined Glee Club because you loved it. Sue doesn't care about you guys. She's fine killing Brittany. Tell me honestly. If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, which would you choose?

Brittany S. Pierce: Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: I know you, and you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this.

Quinn Fabray: Okay.

Finn Hudson: Okay?

Quinn Fabray: Okay.

Finn Hudson: What about you, Santana?

Santana Lopez: Screw her- she put me on the bottom of the pyramid.

Finn Hudson: Come on, we've oy got a few minutes.

Sue Sylvester: No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in five.

Quinn Fabray: We quit Cheerios.

Sue Sylvester: You can't quit Cheerios. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.

Santana Lopez: We still quit.

Sue Sylvester: You're my stars. If you leave, I have no performance!

Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.

Dave Karofsky: Looking good out there, Puck.

Noah Puckerman: You know what? I don't want to hear it, Karofsky. I don't want to hear it from any of you. You're all a bunch of cowards. Coward losers.

Azimio Adams: Yeah, you're the only loser losing this game.

Noah Puckerman: You know, this is it. This is the moment of our lives. This is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about. This is our moment to actually win something, and you guys are sitting in the damn stands! I mean, you're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay, that you settle for being nothing. Well, we still have a whole half to play. And wean win this, guys, I know it.

Azimio Adams: What's the point, man? Beiste isn't going to let us play.

Noah Puckerman: She will if you come out and perform at the halftime show.

Azimio Adams: I'm in.

Christopher Strando: Me, too.

Dave Karofsky: No way.

Azimio Adams: Come on, man, I really want to win this game. It would mean so much to my dad, man.

Dave Karofsky: Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.

Noah Puckerman: Fine, Karofsky's out. Whatever. But the rest of you need to get in your zombie makeup and hit the field toot sweet. Come on, let's go!

Football Players: Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Let's do this!

Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #

Artie Abrams: # It's close to midnight #
# And something evil's lurking in the dark #
# Under the moonlight #
# You see a sight that almost stops your heart #
# You try to scream #

Rachel & Artie: # But terror takes the sound before you make it #

Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll... heads will roll #

Artie Abrams: # You start to freeze #

Rachel & Artie: # As horror looks you right between the eyes #

Artie Abrams: # You're paralyzed #
# 'Cause this is thriller #
# Thriller night #
# And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike #
# You know it's thriller, thriller night #
# You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller #
# Tonight #

Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# Just dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-Dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Thriller tonight #

Finn Hudson: # Darkness falls across the land. #
# The midnight hour is close at hand. #
# Creatures crawl in search of blood. #
# To terrorize y'alls neighborhood. #

Santana Lopez: # Off with your head #

Finn Hudson: # And though you fight to stay alive, #

Santana Lopez: # Dance till you're dead #

Finn Hudson: # ... your body starts to shiver. #

Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll #

Finn Hudson: # For no mere mortal can resist... #

Santana Lopez: # Heads will roll, heads will roll #

Finn Hudson: # ...the evil of the thriller. #

Artie Abrams: # 'Cause this is thriller, thriller night #
# Girl, I can thrill you more #
# Than any ghost could ever dare try #
# Thriller #
# Ooh, hoo #
# Thriller night #
# So let me hold you tight and share a #
# Killer, thriller, oh! #

Santana & Rachel: # Off with your head #
# D-dance, dance, dance till your dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #
# D-dance, danc dance till you're dead #
# Off, off, off, off with your head #

Shannon Beiste: Hey! What are you guys doing in here?

Finn Hudson: Oh, we were gonna take our zombie makeup off for the second half- it's kind of itchy.

Shannon Beiste: No. Leave it on. Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit, and we need all the help we can get right now. Well, get out there.

Noah Puckerman: All of us?

Shannon Beiste: Yeah. All of us.

Football Players: Yeah!

Shannon Beiste: Welcome back, boy. Get out there.

Girls of ND: Yeah!

Finn Hudson: Set! Hut-hut!

Football Player: Someone bit me! One of those zombies bit me!

Shannon Beiste: That's my boy!

Finn Hudson: Down! Set! One-one!

Shannon Beiste: Block 59! Get on 59!

Dave Karofsky: That was awesome.

Finn Hudson: Nice block.

Dave Karofsky: Nice throw.

Finn Hudson: Bam!

Shannon Beiste: Time out!

Sam Evans: It was a good run. We almost had it.

Finn Hudson: Hey, this game isn't over.

Dave Karofsky: There's, like, ten seconds left- it's over.

Finn Hudson: Not if the quarterback fumbs the snap. Here's what we're gonna do. Ready?

Football Players: Break!

Football Players: Break!

Football Players: Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains... Brains...

All: Brains... brains... Brains... brains... brains... brains... brains... brains... Brains... ...brains... brains... brains... brains... brains...

Katie Couric: So, tell me, Sue, how are you holding up?

Sue Sylvester: I'm hanging in there, thank you.

Katie Couric: I know it's painful, but... can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as "Loser of the Year"?

Sue Sylvester: I thought this was the "Ten Most Fascinating."

Katie Couric: That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, nine percent unemployment, and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and apparently, also a loser. How do you cope with that?

Sue Sylvester: I've been drinking a lot of bleach.

Katie Couric: Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?

Sue Sylvester: Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.

Katie Couric: And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios budget is going to the Glee Club?

Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry?

Katie Couric: Let's take a look. Whoops, sorry. After a little song and dance toupport the arts, I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director Will Schuester.

Will Schuester: I have to say, I'm thrilled. Sue got what was coming to her, and now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to Regionals.

Katie Couric: Thoughts?

Sue Sylvester: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Dave Karofsky: Hey. Congrats on the MVP.

Finn Hudson: Oh, thanks. It was a team effort. So, listen, uh, there's no way the Glee Club's gonna let you join permanently, until you clean things up with Kurt. So I was thinking maybe we cou go together to Dalton and apologize...

Dave Karofsky: Who said I want to join the Glee Club permanently?

Finn Hudson: I just thought after this week and-and... the way we won the game and the way you came out to dance...

Dave Karofsky: What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee Club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning?

Finn Hudson: Maybe. I-I don't know. It's a start.

Dave Karofsky: No, dude, it's a finish. Okay? This is high school. People's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status.

Finn Hudson: But we've got a chance to really change things here.

Dave Karofsky: I just won the conference championship. I'm on top. Why would I want to change things?

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Quinn Fabray: Hi. I never got a chance to thank you. For helping me do the right thing.

Finn Hudson: Aw, you would've come to it on your own soon enough. So, how does it feel being out of the uniform?

Quinn Fabray: Weird. Did turn a couple of heads. You were amazing this week. On the field and off. Reminded me of why I loved you.