Glee - Season 1 Episodes 13-17

113. Sectionals

放送日:2009年12月9日


Artie Abrams: I bet we get stuck with Mr. Sinacori As our sectionals advisor.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, the creepy math teacher?
Kurt Hummel: He's always singing when he walks down the halls.
Rachel Berry: Hey, guys. Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Quinn's aid During rehearsal yesterday?



Finn Hudson: Is it the baby? Is it coming?
Noah Puckerman: Think we're supposed to get hot towels.
Quinn Fabray: Would you both just shut up! There's, like, sweat on the floor. I slipped, okay? I'm fine!



Mercedes Jones: No.
Artie Abrams: I mean, he likes her. I mean, they're friends. We all know that.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, but it seemed like more than that. I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic. I can't read minds or anything yet, but I do have a sixth sense. Something is definitely going on there.
Mercedes Jones: Uh, we... we got to go.
Rachel Berry: We have to practice.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, and we will, as soon as Mr. Schuester names a faculty advisor to replace him.
Rachel Berry: There's nothing to be scared of. I mean, it... it's not like carrie or anything.



Mercedes Jones: Hey. She's onto it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I know. It's really freaking me out. Hold up. Artie's buzzing in. I'm going party line.
Artie Abrams: Dudes, this is serious. If she finds out, she's going to tell Finn. She's a total trout mouth.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Kurt wants in.
Kurt Hummel: I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement.
Mercedes Jones: We can't. We need her to sing.
Kurt Hummel: Damn her talent.
Santana Lopez: We just heard. Who told?
Artie Abrams: We assumed it was you.
Santana Lopez: Why would I do that?
Kurt Hummel: To get back at Puck. Aren't you guys dating?
Santana Lopez: Sex is not dating.
Brittany S. Pierce: If it were, santana and I would be dating.
Santana Lopez: Look, I don't want to rock the boat. Since Quinn got pregnant, I'm top dog around here.
Mercedes Jones: Hold up. Rachel's walking by. Hey, hot mama? She's gone. Look, I know I screwed up telling all you guys about Quinn and Puck, and I feel really terrible about it, but we cannot let Rachel figure this out. If she tells Finn, he's going to flip.
Kurt Hummel: And then, we really have no chance at sectionals.



Will Schuester: Are you sure about this? But the wedding is on Saturday. Your wedding.
Emma Pillsbury: I know. We just pushed it back a few hours. Now it doesn't have to happen in broad daylight. Really, I want to do this, Will. I want to take the kids to sectionals.
Will Schuester: Okay, but... What about Ken? I mean, he-he's going to be furious.
Emma Pillsbury: I appealed to him as an educator.



Ken Tanaka: You will always choose Schuester over me.
Emma Pillsbury: He won't even be there, Ken. I am doing this for the kids. I really thought That you of all people would understand this.
Ken Tanaka: This time, I don't think that I do.



Emma Pillsbury: He took it great. Just great.
Will Schuester: I can't thank you enough.



Rachel Berry: Hey. I know it's not my place, but have you had your doctor run the full genetic test panel on your unborn child? I only ask Because my cousin, Leon, and his wife got pregnant, and then they found out that he was a carrier for tay-sachs.
Quinn Fabray: What's that?
Rachel Berry: It's a genetic disorder— Pretty terrible from what I understand. If one of the parents is a carrier, Then there's, like, a 50% chance that the child has it Or something like that. No, leon's... Leon's baby was fine. It was still pretty scary, though.
Quinn Fabray: My doctor never mentioned that.
Rachel Berry: You know... I'm such an idiot. They would only run the test if one of the parents was Jewish. Yeah, only jews carry the gene.
Quinn Fabray: Oh.
Rachel Berry: Okay, I'll see you in rehearsal.



Quinn Fabray: You have to take me to go get those Jewish baby tests.
Noah Puckerman: Why? Is that even a real thing?
Quinn Fabray: Because, if something is wrong with the baby, Terri Schuester isn't going to take it. And I can't ask Finn. He'll know something's up.
Noah Puckerman: Does this have to happen tonight? Because I have my fight club.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys? Let's, uh... Let's gather 'round. Well... I have found my replacement. So, give it up for Ms. Pillsbury.
Brittany S. Pierce: She's the one they made me talk to, when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.
Santana Lopez: So, do you even know anything about music?
Emma Pillsbury: Well...
Will Schuester: What's important Is that she cares about you guys Every bit as much as I do. Now... I-I don't know what the future holds for me... and for us, but I know, Saturday, You're going to make me proud. You guys are going to be great. So... Good-bye for now.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. What about our set list?
Will Schuester: I... I can't help you with that. You've got to figure that out for yourselves. All right, guys.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God.
Artie Abrams: Well, we have to do "Proud Mary" in wheelchairs. That's in.
Finn Hudson: And "Don't Stop Believing," for sure.
Tina Cohen-Chang: What about the ballad?
Rachel Berry: I would be thrilled to contribute a ballad from my repertoire.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, you know what, miss bossy pants? Enough. I've worked just as hard as you, and I'm just as good as you. You know, you always end up stealing the spotlight.
Rachel Berry: Mercedes, do you honestly think You're as strong of a balladeer as I am? Ballads are kind of my thing.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, um, Rachel, Why don't you let Mercedes Give it a try?
Mercedes Jones: Thanks, Mrs. P.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Rachel.
Mercedes Jones: Do I even need to tell you what song? Horns, strings, keep up.
# and I am telling you #
# I'm not going #
# you're the best man I'll ever know #
# there's no way I can ever go #
# no, no, there's no way #
# no, no, no, no way I'm living without you #
# I'm not living without you #
# I don't want to be free #
# I'm staying #
# I'm staying #
# and you, and you #
# you're going to love me #
# yeah #
# ooh-ooh-ooh #
# tear down the mountains #
# yell, scream and shout #
# you can say what you want, I'm not walking out #
# stop all the rivers #
# push, strike and kill #
# I'm not going to leave you #
# there's no way I will #
# and I am #
# telling you #
# I'm not going #
# I'm not living without you #
# not living without you #
# I don't want to be free #
# I'm staying, I'm staying #
# and you, and you, and you #
# you're going to love me... #
# yeah... Yeah! #
# love me, love me #
# love... #
# me! #
Thoughts?
Rachel Berry: It's clear the room adores you. And, although it wouldn't be my first choice, well... I can't wait to see you sing that song at sectionals. You're amazing, Mercedes, and you deserve it. I'm going to hug you now.
Mercedes Jones: Okay. Come on.



Finn Hudson: That was pretty cool in there. I... I know that must have been hard for you.
Rachel Berry: It was the right thing to do. I... I wanted to bring the team together.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. You know, I got to be honest. I'm kind of pumped about sectionals. This has been a... Hard couple of months— with Quinn and the baby and everything and... I don't know— I really think that... Winning could make everything good for while. You know? Is that stupid?
Rachel Berry: It's not stupid at all.
Finn Hudson: Is something up with you?
Rachel Berry: I want you to be happy, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: And when you care about someone, You can't sit around and watch them suffer when you know you can do something about it.
Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?
Rachel Berry: I have to tell you something.



Will Schuester: Hey, come on, come on. Get off him! Knock it off! Get off! Get off! Hey.
Finn Hudson: Tell the truth!
Noah Puckerman: Punk just walked in and sucker punched me.
Finn Hudson: Don't play dumb— you're too freaking dumb to play dumb.
Will Schuester: Come on!
Quinn Fabray: Who told you this, Finn?
Kurt Hummel: Obviously, it was Rachel.
Rachel Berry: What? I didn't do anything.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, it was Rachel, but I want to hear it from you. I want to heart it from both of you.
Will Schuester: Finn, just calm down.
Finn Hudson: No! They're both lying to me! Is it true? Just tell me— is it true?
Quinn Fabray: Yes. Puck is the father.
Finn Hudson: So, all... all that stuff in the hot tub... You just made that up?
Noah Puckerman: You were stupid enough to buy it.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Quinn Fabray: I am so sorry.
Finn Hudson: Screw this. I'm done with you. I'm done with... I'm done with all of you!



Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry. I fully understand if you want to beat me up. If you can, just try to avoid my nose.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not mad at you. All you did was what I wasn't brave enough to do— tell the truth.
Rachel Berry: I was selfish when I told him. I wanted to break you two up, so he would want to be with me.
Quinn Fabray: And now neither of us have him. I have hurt so many people. Can you go now? I just really want to be alone.
Noah Puckerman: Hey. So, I know you're upset now. But I want to be with you. And I'm going to do everything I can to be a good dad to our baby.
Quinn Fabray: Thanks. But I honestly can't handle any more stress in my life right now. I'm going to do this on my own. I know you don't understand it. But please respect it.



Will Schuester: So, the competition starts at 11:00.
Emma Pillsbury: Right.
Will Schuester: I'll have my cell phone on.
Emma Pillsbury: I know. You already told me. Three times. And you wrote it down.
Jacob Ben Israel: Reporting for duty, Mr. Schuester. I have to tell you, I get terrible public event anxiety.
Emma Pillsbury: You know what, Jacob? It's okay. We just need a 12th member. All right, so, um, just sway in back. You don't even have to sing.
Will Schuester: Yeah, don't even sing.
Jacob Ben Israel: Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Jacob Ben Israel: Great.
Will Schuester: God.
Emma Pillsbury: So, um, still no word from Finn?
Will Schuester: No. I can't thank you enough.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.



Emma Pillsbury: Okay. So, smooth sailing so far, we're all signed in. And, um... According to the program, You have drawn performance slot number three.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're going last? Isn't that bad?
Rachel Berry: Hardly. This is good news. My extensive auditioning for community theater has taught me that we either want to go first or last. If we're first, then everyone has to measure up to us, and if we're last, Then we're freshest in the judges' minds.
Kurt Hummel: And did you ever get any of those parts?
Emma Pillsbury: I'm with Rachel. On this. The glass is definitely half full of some very good things right now.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, Ms. Pillsbury's right. I mean, we're here now, right? No reason not to go in with some positive mojo.
Emma Pillsbury: Right.
Artie Abrams: Right.
Emma Pillsbury: Right. Right.
Brittany & Santana: Right.



Jane Adams Academy: # and you, and you #
# and you #
# you're gonna love me #
# you're gonna love #
Rachel Berry: It's a really popular song.
Jane Adams Academy: # me! #



Jane Adams Academy: # rolling, rolling #
# yeah #
# yeah #
# rolling on the river... #



Emma Pillsbury: We've got a problem. They're doing all of our numbers. The kids are completely freaking out. Artie keeps ramming himself into the wall, and I'm pretty sure jacob ben israel wet himself.
Will Schuester: I knew it! Sue leaked the set list.
Emma Pillsbury: Will... Will, these kids need a leader right now.
Will Schuester: Just hold tight. I know what to do.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: Sue! What kind of teacher are you?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy! I just came by to feed my venus flytrap.
Will Schuester: You leaked the set list! And you are not going to get away with it!
Sue Sylvester: That is a libelous accusation, and I insist you retract it immediately. You have no proof.
Will Schuester: No proof? You are the only person who had the list!
Sue Sylvester: But other than that, you have no proof. It's time to face facts, William. At 1:00 p.m. This afternoon, Your little club will have had its shot at the big time, and they will have failed. Glee club will be canceled, and all that money figgins has been funneling Into your budget will finally And rightfully be restored to mine.
Will Schuester: You have crossed the line. I am not going to sit idly by anymore. I am going to expose you for the fraud that you have become.
Sue Sylvester: Bring it on, William. I'm reasonably confident That you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at— Right next to being being married...
Will Schuester: Don't.
Sue Sylvester: ... Running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sista.
Will Schuester: Get your hands off me.
Sue Sylvester: You're not going to push a woman, are you? I didn't think so.



Will Schuester: Hey, Finn. I just called your mom. She told me you'd be here.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you know, football season ended, so I'm just cleaning out my things.
Will Schuester: Sounds like something that could've waited till Monday.
Finn Hudson: You heard anything?
Will Schuester: Yeah. It's pretty bad. I can't be there.
Finn Hudson: And I can? I can't even be in the same room as her without crying like a girl. I can't look at him without wanting to punch his face off.
Will Schuester: I don't have any more pep talks, Finn. You know I know how you feel. All I know is that— Between you and me— I don't think that they can win without you.
Finn Hudson: But that's not fair. Why does it always have to come down to me? Why do I always have to be the bigger man?
Will Schuester: Because sometimes being special... sucks.
Finn Hudson: I just want everything to be like it— like it never happened, you know?
Will Schuester: Well, Finn... You can't always get what you want. Listen, I'll be in the choir room.
Finn Hudson: Oh, Mr. Schue, you forgot your keys.
Will Schuester: No, I didn't.



Dalton Rumba: Nope, your money's no good here, I'm buying. Celebratory giant pretzels.
Grace Hitchens: I don't feel much like celebrating.
Dalton Rumba: Why not? One of us is going to take this thing.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi. Nice set list. Of course, I haven't heard your deaf kids perform yet, but I hear they're doing "Don't Stop Believing."
Grace Hitchens: Um, who are you?
Emma Pillsbury: I'm so sorry, let me introduce myself. I'm Emma Pillsbury. I'm the faculty advisor for the Mckinley high school glee club.
Grace Hitchens: Oh. What happened to the white guy with the jheri curl?
Emma Pillsbury: You should be ashamed. Aren't you ashamed? You're educators. Actually, no, you know what? You're more than that. You take care of disadvantaged kids. And you're teaching them that The only way they can compete in this world is by cheating. I'm sorry, but what kind of message is that?
Dalton Rumba: I don't know what you're talking about. "Don't Stop Believing" is the most downloaded song In the history of iTunes. I've only got one good ear And even I know that. Scarlet fever.
Emma Pillsbury: Right, and "Proud Mary?" In wheelchairs?
Grace Hitchens: Do you have any idea How much winning is going to mean to my girls? It's going to be a life changer— Make them feel like they're worth something again.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm-I'm sorry, do you— do you think That they're not going to know that something's up? The fact that you just magically came up With two brand-new numbers days before competition?
Grace Hitchens: They were great up there. That's all I know.
Dalton Rumba: I think What we have here is a case of deaf racism. Shame on you.
Emma Pillsbury: No, you know what the real shame is? Is that maybe if you believed in them just a little bit more They would've been amazing up there. Without cheating.



Deaf Choir: # don't stop believing #
# hold on to that feeling #
# streetlight people #
Rachel Berry: Meeting in the green room in five minutes.
Deaf Choir: # don't stop believing... #



Kurt Hummel: You leaked the set list, you don't want to be here— You were just sue sylvester's little moles.
Quinn Fabray: I know for a fact that's true. Sue asked us to spy for her.
Santana Lopez: Santana: Look, we may still be cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I-I did, but I didn't know what she was going to do with it.
Santana Lopez: Okay, look, believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you ever tell anyone this I'll deny it— But I like being in glee club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't going to go and mess it up.
Rachel Berry: I believe you. Okay, look, guys, there's no point in us arguing anymore. We-we have go on in an hour.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And we have no songs.
Artie Abrams: Perhaps I could improvise some of my deaf poetry jams. No?
Rachel Berry: Look, we're going to do this the right way. Let's start with the ballad. Mercedes, do you have anything else in your repertoire?
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, but it's not as good As anything you're going to sing.
Rachel Berry: No, we, we agreed...
Mercedes Jones: We agreed that I would sing and I'm telling you, and that ain't happening. Look, Rachel, The truth is you're the best singer that we've got.
Kurt Hummel: As much as it hurts me to admit it— and it does— She's right. Rachel's our star. If anyone is going to go belt it on the fly, it should be her.
Rachel Berry: Well, I do have something That I've been working on since I was four.
Quinn Fabray: Then I guess we have our ballad, and we can close With "somebody to love." It's a real crowd-pleaser.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, that and a can of soup will guarantee us third place. We still need another song We can all sing together.
Finn Hudson: I have one. I found the sheet music online. I used the cheerios' copier to make copies and then I trashed the thing. Mike, Matt, Brittany, Santana, you're our best dancers. Figure something out and we'll all follow your lead.
Mike Chang: It's going to be choppy.
Finn Hudson: Good. We're best when we're loose. Look, all we have going for us is that we believe in ourselves And what we're singing about. If we can show the judges that... we might have a shot at this thing.
Rachel Berry: It's good to have you back, Finn.
Finn Hudson: You cool if I take my spot back?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quite. I was just here because I was hoping to get into Rachel's pants.
Noah Puckerman: We cool, dude?
Finn Hudson: No.
Quinn Fabray: Finn...
Rachel Berry: You okay?
Finn Hudson: Don't worry about me. Okay, this is all up to you now. You wanted the solo, you wanted The chance to be the star. This is your chance. Don't screw it up.



Will Schuester: Well, a-are they nervous? Has it started?
Emma Pillsbury: Showtime.
Emcee: And now our final team— Mckinley High's New Directions!
Rachel Berry: # don't tell me not to live #
# just sit and putter #
# life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter #
# don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade #
# don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to #
# if someone takes a spill, it's me and not you #
# who told you you're allowed to rain on my #
# parade #
# I'm marching my band out #
# I'm beating my drum #
# and if I'm fanned out #
# your turn at bat, sir #
# at least I didn't fake it #
# hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it #
# but whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection #
# a freckle on the nose of life's complexion #
# the cinder or the shiny apple #
# of its eye #
# I gotta fly once, I gotta try once #
# only can die once #
# right, sir? #
# oh, life is juicy, juicy, and you see #
# I gotta have my bite, sir #
# get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a comer #
# I simply gotta March, my heart's a drummer #
# don't bring around a cloud #
# To rain on my parade #
# I'm gonna live and live now #
# get what I want, I know how #
# one roll for the whole shebang #
# one throw, that bell will go clang #
# eye on the target and wham! #
# one shot, one gunshot, and bam! #
# hey, Mr. Arnstein #
# here I am... #
# I'll March my band... #
# out #
# I'll beat #
# my drum #
# and if I'm fanned out #
# your turn at bat, sir #
# at least I didn't fake it, hat, sir #
# I guess I didn't make it #
# get ready for me, love #
# 'cause I'm a comer #
# I simply gotta March, my heart's a drummer #
# nobody, no, nobody #
# is gonna #
# rain on my #
# parade! #
Ladies and gentlemen, the new directions.
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
# you can't always get what you want #
# but if you try sometimes #
# you'll find #
# you get what you need #
# oh... #
Finn Hudson: # I saw her today #
# at the reception #
# a glass of wine #
# in her hand #
# I knew she was gonna meet #
# her connection #
# at her feet was her footloose man #
New Directions: # no, you can't #
# you can't always get what you want #
Finn Hudson: # oh, no, no, you can't #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Finn Hudson: # what you want #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Finn Hudson: # you can't always get what you want #
New Directions: # but if you try sometimes #
# well, you just might find #
# you get what you need #
Mercedes Jones: # hey, hey, yeah #
Rachel Berry: # and I went down to the demonstration #
# To get my fair share of abuse #
Finn & Rachel: # singin' we're #
Rachel Berry: # gonna vent our frustration #
Finn & Rachel: # if we don't, we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse #
# sing it to me now #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Artie Abrams: # no, no, no, no #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Mercedes Jones: # no, no, no, no #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
# oh... #
# but if you try sometimes #
# well, you just might find #
# you get what you need #
Mercedes Jones: # oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
New Directions: # get what you need #
Rachel Berry: # you can't always get what you want #
New Directions: # get what you need #
# oh, yeah, what you need #
# what you need, yeah #
# yeah! #
# what you need! #



Candace Dystra: Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don't know how those deaf kids got in. They weren't singing. They were, like, honking And everyone was crying and I was, like, "get off the stage. You're terrible and you're making me super uncomfortable."
Rod Remington: Now, hold on just a second, candy. Those haverhurst kids twice had me reaching for my handkerchief, and those jane addams girls had it going on In all the right places.
Donna Landries: Can I just say something? I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I'm serious. I don't understand what a glee club is, and I have never even heard the term "show choir" Until about three hours ago When my boss told me he had tickets to nascar And I had to fill in at this fool event. Those Jane Addams girls— I'll be damned If I didn't apportion hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' dollars to that school So they can parade their behinds around like a bunch of hoochie hos.
Candace Dystra: The Mckinley group was good but didn't seem all that rehearsed, but I liked their energy.
Rod Remington: Well, I have to admit I have a soft spot For the rolling stones. I was at altamont speedway in '69. I actually saw that guy get stabbed. Can't get that image out of my noggin to this day.
Donna Landries: I seriously don't know What either one of you are talking about. I have never been so bored. I mean, If I had to pick a group that I hated the least...
Artie Abrams: It doesn't sound good, guys.
Grace Hitchens: Hey, Um... I just wanted to say how great you all were, and I thought you were amazing.
Rachel Berry: We have nothing to say to you.
Grace Hitchens: Because we cheated, I know. I feel terrible about it, but I'm going to tell the judges right now that we don't deserve to win.
Rod Remington: And your e-mail addresses?
Candace Dystra: You guys were so much fun to watch. You should be very proud.
Donna Landries: Get me the hell out of here.
Grace Hitchens: Um, excuse me, um, I have something I need to tell you.
Rod Remington: I'm sorry, we've made our decision.



Terri Schuester: Hi.
Will Schuester: I thought you worked on Saturday afternoon.
Terri Schuester: Yeah, I came home early. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping very well.What's with the monkey suit?
Will Schuester: Ken and Emma's wedding— it's at 4:00.
Terri Schuester: Oh, yeah. Here.
Will Schuester: Oh, I'm fine.
Terri Schuester: Oh. I want you to know I've been seeing a therapist. Oh, it's just at the local community center, but still.
Will Schuester: Good. I hope it works out for you.
Terri Schuester: I'm taking responsibility, Will. I mean, I'm weak, and I'm selfish, and I let my anxiety rule my life, but you know I wasn't always that way. It's just that... I wanted so many things that I know we're never going to have. But that was okay as long as I still had you. Say something?
Will Schuester: I'm looking at you, and I'm trying. I mean, I really want to feel that thing I always felt when I looked at you before. That feeling of family, of love. But it's gone.
Terri Schuester: Forever?
Will Schuester: I don't know.



Will Schuester: Hey. Nice ice sculpture. Where's Ken?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, home, I'd imagine, Probably trying to regain some of the pride that I stole from him. He dumped me.
Will Schuester: What?
Emma Pillsbury: He said moving the wedding for sectionals was the last straw.
Will Schuester: But I thought he understood That-that you were doing this for the kids.
Emma Pillsbury: He understand that... I wasn't doing it for the kids. I was doing it for you.
Will Schuester: Emma... I'm so sorry.
Emma Pillsbury: No. Gosh, no, it's not your fault.I-I really messed up. He was absolutely right. I was settling for him. Really, one blink from you, Will, and I would have been out the door. So, um... I e-mailed my resignation to Figgins.
Will Schuester: I...
Emma Pillsbury: My last day is Monday. I just can't... I just can't be at that school. I can't see Ken without feeling ashamed, and I can't see you without feeling heartbroken.
Will Schuester: I just left my wife.
Emma Pillsbury: No. I'm sorry. I, um... I'm going.
Will Schuester: But I just...
Emma Pillsbury: Just left your wife. Exactly. You just did.
Will Schuester: You make a beautiful bride.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.



Principal Figgins: Sue, the directors, both from the jane addams academy And haverbrook school for the deaf, Have informed me That you gave them the new directions' set list.
Sue Sylvester: You have no proof.
Principal Figgins: The set lists were on cheerios' letterhead.
Sue Sylvester: I didn't do it.
Principal Figgins: They say, "from the desk of sue sylvester."
Sue Sylvester: Circumstantial evidence.
Principal Figgins: They're written in your handwriting!
Sue Sylvester: Forgeries.
Principal Figgins: Sue, there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!
Sue Sylvester: Well, you've clearly made up your mind not to be impartial in this case. So let's see if you can't wrap up this little lecture, Slap me on the wrist, and let me get back to whipping my squad of champions into shape. We have to be in albuquerque In a couple of weeks for nationals.
Principal Figgins: Sue! Sit down! Sue, as of today, You are no longer coach of the cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?
Principal Figgins: As of today, You are no longer coach of the cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon!
Principal Figgins: All this time, I thought...
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?!
Principal Figgins: All this time, I thought Mr. Schuester was overreacting. And frankly, I was too willing to look past your monkeyshines because you kept winning. But now, you've gone too far! You have embarrassed yourself And besmirched the name of william Mckinley.
Sue Sylvester: A failed president.
Principal Figgins: Oh, please! The greatest one who ever lived! You are suspended from this school as of today. Schue, you have anything to add?
Will Schuester: I think you said it all.
Principal Figgins: My word is official! Let it be written.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, if this is the way you want to play it. Okay.
Principal Figgins: Schue, in light of Sue's interference, I am reinstating you as coach of the glee club. I contacted the Ohio show choir governing board And set the record straight.
Will Schuester: Thank you, sir.
Principal Figgins: My pleasure.
Will Schuester: All right. Good job.



Sue Sylvester: Schuester? Well played, sir. I underestimated you. All right, here's what happens now. I'm gonna head down to my condo in boca to brown up a bit, Get myself back into fighting shape. Then I'm gonna return to this school even more hell-bent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester. You are about to board the sue sylvester express. Destination? Horror!
Will Schuester: I look forward to it, sue.
Sue Sylvester: You know you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepared to be crushed.



Finn Hudson: Well, we have a few things we'd like to show you, Mr. Schue. The first...
Will Schuester: I am so proud of you guys. You won fair and square. The result was unanimous, and the judges didn't even know about all the shenanigans That were going on behind the scenes. So... congratulations. You earned this. Yeah! Give it up! Come on! All right! But... Now we have regionals to worry about. And you can bet that vocal adrenaline Is hard at work, so we should be, too. So, let's get started.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, wait, Mr. Schue. There's one more thing.
Rachel Berry: Since you weren't able to be there to see us perform, We put together a special number just for you. Take a seat!
New Directions: # la, la-la, la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la #
Rachel Berry: # guess this means you're sorry, you're standing at my door #
# guess this means you take back all you said before #
# like how much you wanted anyone but me #
# said you'd never come back, but here you are again #
New Directions: # 'cause we belong together now, yeah #
# forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you #
Finn & Rachel: # you know that I've got issues #
# but you're pretty messed up, too #
# either way, I found out I'm nothing without you #
New Directions: # 'cause we belong together now #
# yeah #
# forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you #
# 'cause we belong together now #
Rachel Berry: # together now #
New Directions: # forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you! #


Artie Abrams: I bet we get stuck with Mr. Sinacori As our sectionals advisor.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, the creepy math teacher?
Kurt Hummel: He's always singing when he walks down the halls.
Rachel Berry: Hey, guys. Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Quinn's aid During rehearsal yesterday?



Finn Hudson: Is it the baby? Is it coming?
Noah Puckerman: Think we're supposed to get hot towels.
Quinn Fabray: Would you both just shut up! There's, like, sweat on the floor. I slipped, okay? I'm fine!



Mercedes Jones: No.
Artie Abrams: I mean, he likes her. I mean, they're friends. We all know that.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, but it seemed like more than that. I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic. I can't read minds or anything yet, but I do have a sixth sense. Something is definitely going on there.
Mercedes Jones: Uh, we... we got to go.
Rachel Berry: We have to practice.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, and we will, as soon as Mr. Schuester names a faculty advisor to replace him.
Rachel Berry: There's nothing to be scared of. I mean, it... it's not like carrie or anything.



Mercedes Jones: Hey. She's onto it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I know. It's really freaking me out. Hold up. Artie's buzzing in. I'm going party line.
Artie Abrams: Dudes, this is serious. If she finds out, she's going to tell Finn. She's a total trout mouth.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Kurt wants in.
Kurt Hummel: I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement.
Mercedes Jones: We can't. We need her to sing.
Kurt Hummel: Damn her talent.
Santana Lopez: We just heard. Who told?
Artie Abrams: We assumed it was you.
Santana Lopez: Why would I do that?
Kurt Hummel: To get back at Puck. Aren't you guys dating?
Santana Lopez: Sex is not dating.
Brittany S. Pierce: If it were, santana and I would be dating.
Santana Lopez: Look, I don't want to rock the boat. Since Quinn got pregnant, I'm top dog around here.
Mercedes Jones: Hold up. Rachel's walking by. Hey, hot mama? She's gone. Look, I know I screwed up telling all you guys about Quinn and Puck, and I feel really terrible about it, but we cannot let Rachel figure this out. If she tells Finn, he's going to flip.
Kurt Hummel: And then, we really have no chance at sectionals.



Will Schuester: Are you sure about this? But the wedding is on Saturday. Your wedding.
Emma Pillsbury: I know. We just pushed it back a few hours. Now it doesn't have to happen in broad daylight. Really, I want to do this, Will. I want to take the kids to sectionals.
Will Schuester: Okay, but... What about Ken? I mean, he-he's going to be furious.
Emma Pillsbury: I appealed to him as an educator.



Ken Tanaka: You will always choose Schuester over me.
Emma Pillsbury: He won't even be there, Ken. I am doing this for the kids. I really thought That you of all people would understand this.
Ken Tanaka: This time, I don't think that I do.



Emma Pillsbury: He took it great. Just great.
Will Schuester: I can't thank you enough.



Rachel Berry: Hey. I know it's not my place, but have you had your doctor run the full genetic test panel on your unborn child? I only ask Because my cousin, Leon, and his wife got pregnant, and then they found out that he was a carrier for tay-sachs.
Quinn Fabray: What's that?
Rachel Berry: It's a genetic disorder— Pretty terrible from what I understand. If one of the parents is a carrier, Then there's, like, a 50% chance that the child has it Or something like that. No, leon's... Leon's baby was fine. It was still pretty scary, though.
Quinn Fabray: My doctor never mentioned that.
Rachel Berry: You know... I'm such an idiot. They would only run the test if one of the parents was Jewish. Yeah, only jews carry the gene.
Quinn Fabray: Oh.
Rachel Berry: Okay, I'll see you in rehearsal.



Quinn Fabray: You have to take me to go get those Jewish baby tests.
Noah Puckerman: Why? Is that even a real thing?
Quinn Fabray: Because, if something is wrong with the baby, Terri Schuester isn't going to take it. And I can't ask Finn. He'll know something's up.
Noah Puckerman: Does this have to happen tonight? Because I have my fight club.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys? Let's, uh... Let's gather 'round. Well... I have found my replacement. So, give it up for Ms. Pillsbury.
Brittany S. Pierce: She's the one they made me talk to, when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.
Santana Lopez: So, do you even know anything about music?
Emma Pillsbury: Well...
Will Schuester: What's important Is that she cares about you guys Every bit as much as I do. Now... I-I don't know what the future holds for me... and for us, but I know, Saturday, You're going to make me proud. You guys are going to be great. So... Good-bye for now.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. What about our set list?
Will Schuester: I... I can't help you with that. You've got to figure that out for yourselves. All right, guys.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God.
Artie Abrams: Well, we have to do "Proud Mary" in wheelchairs. That's in.
Finn Hudson: And "Don't Stop Believing," for sure.
Tina Cohen-Chang: What about the ballad?
Rachel Berry: I would be thrilled to contribute a ballad from my repertoire.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, you know what, miss bossy pants? Enough. I've worked just as hard as you, and I'm just as good as you. You know, you always end up stealing the spotlight.
Rachel Berry: Mercedes, do you honestly think You're as strong of a balladeer as I am? Ballads are kind of my thing.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, um, Rachel, Why don't you let Mercedes Give it a try?
Mercedes Jones: Thanks, Mrs. P.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Rachel.
Mercedes Jones: Do I even need to tell you what song? Horns, strings, keep up.
# and I am telling you #
# I'm not going #
# you're the best man I'll ever know #
# there's no way I can ever go #
# no, no, there's no way #
# no, no, no, no way I'm living without you #
# I'm not living without you #
# I don't want to be free #
# I'm staying #
# I'm staying #
# and you, and you #
# you're going to love me #
# yeah #
# ooh-ooh-ooh #
# tear down the mountains #
# yell, scream and shout #
# you can say what you want, I'm not walking out #
# stop all the rivers #
# push, strike and kill #
# I'm not going to leave you #
# there's no way I will #
# and I am #
# telling you #
# I'm not going #
# I'm not living without you #
# not living without you #
# I don't want to be free #
# I'm staying, I'm staying #
# and you, and you, and you #
# you're going to love me... #
# yeah... Yeah! #
# love me, love me #
# love... #
# me! #
Thoughts?
Rachel Berry: It's clear the room adores you. And, although it wouldn't be my first choice, well... I can't wait to see you sing that song at sectionals. You're amazing, Mercedes, and you deserve it. I'm going to hug you now.
Mercedes Jones: Okay. Come on.



Finn Hudson: That was pretty cool in there. I... I know that must have been hard for you.
Rachel Berry: It was the right thing to do. I... I wanted to bring the team together.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. You know, I got to be honest. I'm kind of pumped about sectionals. This has been a... Hard couple of months— with Quinn and the baby and everything and... I don't know— I really think that... Winning could make everything good for while. You know? Is that stupid?
Rachel Berry: It's not stupid at all.
Finn Hudson: Is something up with you?
Rachel Berry: I want you to be happy, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: And when you care about someone, You can't sit around and watch them suffer when you know you can do something about it.
Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?
Rachel Berry: I have to tell you something.



Will Schuester: Hey, come on, come on. Get off him! Knock it off! Get off! Get off! Hey.
Finn Hudson: Tell the truth!
Noah Puckerman: Punk just walked in and sucker punched me.
Finn Hudson: Don't play dumb— you're too freaking dumb to play dumb.
Will Schuester: Come on!
Quinn Fabray: Who told you this, Finn?
Kurt Hummel: Obviously, it was Rachel.
Rachel Berry: What? I didn't do anything.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, it was Rachel, but I want to hear it from you. I want to heart it from both of you.
Will Schuester: Finn, just calm down.
Finn Hudson: No! They're both lying to me! Is it true? Just tell me— is it true?
Quinn Fabray: Yes. Puck is the father.
Finn Hudson: So, all... all that stuff in the hot tub... You just made that up?
Noah Puckerman: You were stupid enough to buy it.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Quinn Fabray: I am so sorry.
Finn Hudson: Screw this. I'm done with you. I'm done with... I'm done with all of you!



Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry. I fully understand if you want to beat me up. If you can, just try to avoid my nose.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not mad at you. All you did was what I wasn't brave enough to do— tell the truth.
Rachel Berry: I was selfish when I told him. I wanted to break you two up, so he would want to be with me.
Quinn Fabray: And now neither of us have him. I have hurt so many people. Can you go now? I just really want to be alone.
Noah Puckerman: Hey. So, I know you're upset now. But I want to be with you. And I'm going to do everything I can to be a good dad to our baby.
Quinn Fabray: Thanks. But I honestly can't handle any more stress in my life right now. I'm going to do this on my own. I know you don't understand it. But please respect it.



Will Schuester: So, the competition starts at 11:00.
Emma Pillsbury: Right.
Will Schuester: I'll have my cell phone on.
Emma Pillsbury: I know. You already told me. Three times. And you wrote it down.
Jacob Ben Israel: Reporting for duty, Mr. Schuester. I have to tell you, I get terrible public event anxiety.
Emma Pillsbury: You know what, Jacob? It's okay. We just need a 12th member. All right, so, um, just sway in back. You don't even have to sing.
Will Schuester: Yeah, don't even sing.
Jacob Ben Israel: Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Jacob Ben Israel: Great.
Will Schuester: God.
Emma Pillsbury: So, um, still no word from Finn?
Will Schuester: No. I can't thank you enough.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.



Emma Pillsbury: Okay. So, smooth sailing so far, we're all signed in. And, um... According to the program, You have drawn performance slot number three.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're going last? Isn't that bad?
Rachel Berry: Hardly. This is good news. My extensive auditioning for community theater has taught me that we either want to go first or last. If we're first, then everyone has to measure up to us, and if we're last, Then we're freshest in the judges' minds.
Kurt Hummel: And did you ever get any of those parts?
Emma Pillsbury: I'm with Rachel. On this. The glass is definitely half full of some very good things right now.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, Ms. Pillsbury's right. I mean, we're here now, right? No reason not to go in with some positive mojo.
Emma Pillsbury: Right.
Artie Abrams: Right.
Emma Pillsbury: Right. Right.
Brittany & Santana: Right.



Jane Adams Academy: # and you, and you #
# and you #
# you're gonna love me #
# you're gonna love #
Rachel Berry: It's a really popular song.
Jane Adams Academy: # me! #



Jane Adams Academy: # rolling, rolling #
# yeah #
# yeah #
# rolling on the river... #



Emma Pillsbury: We've got a problem. They're doing all of our numbers. The kids are completely freaking out. Artie keeps ramming himself into the wall, and I'm pretty sure jacob ben israel wet himself.
Will Schuester: I knew it! Sue leaked the set list.
Emma Pillsbury: Will... Will, these kids need a leader right now.
Will Schuester: Just hold tight. I know what to do.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: Sue! What kind of teacher are you?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy! I just came by to feed my venus flytrap.
Will Schuester: You leaked the set list! And you are not going to get away with it!
Sue Sylvester: That is a libelous accusation, and I insist you retract it immediately. You have no proof.
Will Schuester: No proof? You are the only person who had the list!
Sue Sylvester: But other than that, you have no proof. It's time to face facts, William. At 1:00 p.m. This afternoon, Your little club will have had its shot at the big time, and they will have failed. Glee club will be canceled, and all that money figgins has been funneling Into your budget will finally And rightfully be restored to mine.
Will Schuester: You have crossed the line. I am not going to sit idly by anymore. I am going to expose you for the fraud that you have become.
Sue Sylvester: Bring it on, William. I'm reasonably confident That you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at— Right next to being being married...
Will Schuester: Don't.
Sue Sylvester: ... Running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sista.
Will Schuester: Get your hands off me.
Sue Sylvester: You're not going to push a woman, are you? I didn't think so.



Will Schuester: Hey, Finn. I just called your mom. She told me you'd be here.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you know, football season ended, so I'm just cleaning out my things.
Will Schuester: Sounds like something that could've waited till Monday.
Finn Hudson: You heard anything?
Will Schuester: Yeah. It's pretty bad. I can't be there.
Finn Hudson: And I can? I can't even be in the same room as her without crying like a girl. I can't look at him without wanting to punch his face off.
Will Schuester: I don't have any more pep talks, Finn. You know I know how you feel. All I know is that— Between you and me— I don't think that they can win without you.
Finn Hudson: But that's not fair. Why does it always have to come down to me? Why do I always have to be the bigger man?
Will Schuester: Because sometimes being special... sucks.
Finn Hudson: I just want everything to be like it— like it never happened, you know?
Will Schuester: Well, Finn... You can't always get what you want. Listen, I'll be in the choir room.
Finn Hudson: Oh, Mr. Schue, you forgot your keys.
Will Schuester: No, I didn't.



Dalton Rumba: Nope, your money's no good here, I'm buying. Celebratory giant pretzels.
Grace Hitchens: I don't feel much like celebrating.
Dalton Rumba: Why not? One of us is going to take this thing.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi. Nice set list. Of course, I haven't heard your deaf kids perform yet, but I hear they're doing "Don't Stop Believing."
Grace Hitchens: Um, who are you?
Emma Pillsbury: I'm so sorry, let me introduce myself. I'm Emma Pillsbury. I'm the faculty advisor for the Mckinley high school glee club.
Grace Hitchens: Oh. What happened to the white guy with the jheri curl?
Emma Pillsbury: You should be ashamed. Aren't you ashamed? You're educators. Actually, no, you know what? You're more than that. You take care of disadvantaged kids. And you're teaching them that The only way they can compete in this world is by cheating. I'm sorry, but what kind of message is that?
Dalton Rumba: I don't know what you're talking about. "Don't Stop Believing" is the most downloaded song In the history of iTunes. I've only got one good ear And even I know that. Scarlet fever.
Emma Pillsbury: Right, and "Proud Mary?" In wheelchairs?
Grace Hitchens: Do you have any idea How much winning is going to mean to my girls? It's going to be a life changer— Make them feel like they're worth something again.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm-I'm sorry, do you— do you think That they're not going to know that something's up? The fact that you just magically came up With two brand-new numbers days before competition?
Grace Hitchens: They were great up there. That's all I know.
Dalton Rumba: I think What we have here is a case of deaf racism. Shame on you.
Emma Pillsbury: No, you know what the real shame is? Is that maybe if you believed in them just a little bit more They would've been amazing up there. Without cheating.



Deaf Choir: # don't stop believing #
# hold on to that feeling #
# streetlight people #
Rachel Berry: Meeting in the green room in five minutes.
Deaf Choir: # don't stop believing... #



Kurt Hummel: You leaked the set list, you don't want to be here— You were just sue sylvester's little moles.
Quinn Fabray: I know for a fact that's true. Sue asked us to spy for her.
Santana Lopez: Santana: Look, we may still be cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I-I did, but I didn't know what she was going to do with it.
Santana Lopez: Okay, look, believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you ever tell anyone this I'll deny it— But I like being in glee club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't going to go and mess it up.
Rachel Berry: I believe you. Okay, look, guys, there's no point in us arguing anymore. We-we have go on in an hour.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And we have no songs.
Artie Abrams: Perhaps I could improvise some of my deaf poetry jams. No?
Rachel Berry: Look, we're going to do this the right way. Let's start with the ballad. Mercedes, do you have anything else in your repertoire?
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, but it's not as good As anything you're going to sing.
Rachel Berry: No, we, we agreed...
Mercedes Jones: We agreed that I would sing and I'm telling you, and that ain't happening. Look, Rachel, The truth is you're the best singer that we've got.
Kurt Hummel: As much as it hurts me to admit it— and it does— She's right. Rachel's our star. If anyone is going to go belt it on the fly, it should be her.
Rachel Berry: Well, I do have something That I've been working on since I was four.
Quinn Fabray: Then I guess we have our ballad, and we can close With "somebody to love." It's a real crowd-pleaser.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, that and a can of soup will guarantee us third place. We still need another song We can all sing together.
Finn Hudson: I have one. I found the sheet music online. I used the cheerios' copier to make copies and then I trashed the thing. Mike, Matt, Brittany, Santana, you're our best dancers. Figure something out and we'll all follow your lead.
Mike Chang: It's going to be choppy.
Finn Hudson: Good. We're best when we're loose. Look, all we have going for us is that we believe in ourselves And what we're singing about. If we can show the judges that... we might have a shot at this thing.
Rachel Berry: It's good to have you back, Finn.
Finn Hudson: You cool if I take my spot back?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quite. I was just here because I was hoping to get into Rachel's pants.
Noah Puckerman: We cool, dude?
Finn Hudson: No.
Quinn Fabray: Finn...
Rachel Berry: You okay?
Finn Hudson: Don't worry about me. Okay, this is all up to you now. You wanted the solo, you wanted The chance to be the star. This is your chance. Don't screw it up.



Will Schuester: Well, a-are they nervous? Has it started?
Emma Pillsbury: Showtime.
Emcee: And now our final team— Mckinley High's New Directions!
Rachel Berry: # don't tell me not to live #
# just sit and putter #
# life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter #
# don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade #
# don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to #
# if someone takes a spill, it's me and not you #
# who told you you're allowed to rain on my #
# parade #
# I'm marching my band out #
# I'm beating my drum #
# and if I'm fanned out #
# your turn at bat, sir #
# at least I didn't fake it #
# hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it #
# but whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection #
# a freckle on the nose of life's complexion #
# the cinder or the shiny apple #
# of its eye #
# I gotta fly once, I gotta try once #
# only can die once #
# right, sir? #
# oh, life is juicy, juicy, and you see #
# I gotta have my bite, sir #
# get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a comer #
# I simply gotta March, my heart's a drummer #
# don't bring around a cloud #
# To rain on my parade #
# I'm gonna live and live now #
# get what I want, I know how #
# one roll for the whole shebang #
# one throw, that bell will go clang #
# eye on the target and wham! #
# one shot, one gunshot, and bam! #
# hey, Mr. Arnstein #
# here I am... #
# I'll March my band... #
# out #
# I'll beat #
# my drum #
# and if I'm fanned out #
# your turn at bat, sir #
# at least I didn't fake it, hat, sir #
# I guess I didn't make it #
# get ready for me, love #
# 'cause I'm a comer #
# I simply gotta March, my heart's a drummer #
# nobody, no, nobody #
# is gonna #
# rain on my #
# parade! #
Ladies and gentlemen, the new directions.
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
# you can't always get what you want #
# but if you try sometimes #
# you'll find #
# you get what you need #
# oh... #
Finn Hudson: # I saw her today #
# at the reception #
# a glass of wine #
# in her hand #
# I knew she was gonna meet #
# her connection #
# at her feet was her footloose man #
New Directions: # no, you can't #
# you can't always get what you want #
Finn Hudson: # oh, no, no, you can't #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Finn Hudson: # what you want #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Finn Hudson: # you can't always get what you want #
New Directions: # but if you try sometimes #
# well, you just might find #
# you get what you need #
Mercedes Jones: # hey, hey, yeah #
Rachel Berry: # and I went down to the demonstration #
# To get my fair share of abuse #
Finn & Rachel: # singin' we're #
Rachel Berry: # gonna vent our frustration #
Finn & Rachel: # if we don't, we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse #
# sing it to me now #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Artie Abrams: # no, no, no, no #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
Mercedes Jones: # no, no, no, no #
New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
# oh... #
# but if you try sometimes #
# well, you just might find #
# you get what you need #
Mercedes Jones: # oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
New Directions: # get what you need #
Rachel Berry: # you can't always get what you want #
New Directions: # get what you need #
# oh, yeah, what you need #
# what you need, yeah #
# yeah! #
# what you need! #



Candace Dystra: Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don't know how those deaf kids got in. They weren't singing. They were, like, honking And everyone was crying and I was, like, "get off the stage. You're terrible and you're making me super uncomfortable."
Rod Remington: Now, hold on just a second, candy. Those haverhurst kids twice had me reaching for my handkerchief, and those jane addams girls had it going on In all the right places.
Donna Landries: Can I just say something? I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I'm serious. I don't understand what a glee club is, and I have never even heard the term "show choir" Until about three hours ago When my boss told me he had tickets to nascar And I had to fill in at this fool event. Those Jane Addams girls— I'll be damned If I didn't apportion hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' dollars to that school So they can parade their behinds around like a bunch of hoochie hos.
Candace Dystra: The Mckinley group was good but didn't seem all that rehearsed, but I liked their energy.
Rod Remington: Well, I have to admit I have a soft spot For the rolling stones. I was at altamont speedway in '69. I actually saw that guy get stabbed. Can't get that image out of my noggin to this day.
Donna Landries: I seriously don't know What either one of you are talking about. I have never been so bored. I mean, If I had to pick a group that I hated the least...
Artie Abrams: It doesn't sound good, guys.
Grace Hitchens: Hey, Um... I just wanted to say how great you all were, and I thought you were amazing.
Rachel Berry: We have nothing to say to you.
Grace Hitchens: Because we cheated, I know. I feel terrible about it, but I'm going to tell the judges right now that we don't deserve to win.
Rod Remington: And your e-mail addresses?
Candace Dystra: You guys were so much fun to watch. You should be very proud.
Donna Landries: Get me the hell out of here.
Grace Hitchens: Um, excuse me, um, I have something I need to tell you.
Rod Remington: I'm sorry, we've made our decision.



Terri Schuester: Hi.
Will Schuester: I thought you worked on Saturday afternoon.
Terri Schuester: Yeah, I came home early. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping very well.What's with the monkey suit?
Will Schuester: Ken and Emma's wedding— it's at 4:00.
Terri Schuester: Oh, yeah. Here.
Will Schuester: Oh, I'm fine.
Terri Schuester: Oh. I want you to know I've been seeing a therapist. Oh, it's just at the local community center, but still.
Will Schuester: Good. I hope it works out for you.
Terri Schuester: I'm taking responsibility, Will. I mean, I'm weak, and I'm selfish, and I let my anxiety rule my life, but you know I wasn't always that way. It's just that... I wanted so many things that I know we're never going to have. But that was okay as long as I still had you. Say something?
Will Schuester: I'm looking at you, and I'm trying. I mean, I really want to feel that thing I always felt when I looked at you before. That feeling of family, of love. But it's gone.
Terri Schuester: Forever?
Will Schuester: I don't know.



Will Schuester: Hey. Nice ice sculpture. Where's Ken?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, home, I'd imagine, Probably trying to regain some of the pride that I stole from him. He dumped me.
Will Schuester: What?
Emma Pillsbury: He said moving the wedding for sectionals was the last straw.
Will Schuester: But I thought he understood That-that you were doing this for the kids.
Emma Pillsbury: He understand that... I wasn't doing it for the kids. I was doing it for you.
Will Schuester: Emma... I'm so sorry.
Emma Pillsbury: No. Gosh, no, it's not your fault.I-I really messed up. He was absolutely right. I was settling for him. Really, one blink from you, Will, and I would have been out the door. So, um... I e-mailed my resignation to Figgins.
Will Schuester: I...
Emma Pillsbury: My last day is Monday. I just can't... I just can't be at that school. I can't see Ken without feeling ashamed, and I can't see you without feeling heartbroken.
Will Schuester: I just left my wife.
Emma Pillsbury: No. I'm sorry. I, um... I'm going.
Will Schuester: But I just...
Emma Pillsbury: Just left your wife. Exactly. You just did.
Will Schuester: You make a beautiful bride.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.



Principal Figgins: Sue, the directors, both from the jane addams academy And haverbrook school for the deaf, Have informed me That you gave them the new directions' set list.
Sue Sylvester: You have no proof.
Principal Figgins: The set lists were on cheerios' letterhead.
Sue Sylvester: I didn't do it.
Principal Figgins: They say, "from the desk of sue sylvester."
Sue Sylvester: Circumstantial evidence.
Principal Figgins: They're written in your handwriting!
Sue Sylvester: Forgeries.
Principal Figgins: Sue, there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!
Sue Sylvester: Well, you've clearly made up your mind not to be impartial in this case. So let's see if you can't wrap up this little lecture, Slap me on the wrist, and let me get back to whipping my squad of champions into shape. We have to be in albuquerque In a couple of weeks for nationals.
Principal Figgins: Sue! Sit down! Sue, as of today, You are no longer coach of the cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?
Principal Figgins: As of today, You are no longer coach of the cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon!
Principal Figgins: All this time, I thought...
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?!
Principal Figgins: All this time, I thought Mr. Schuester was overreacting. And frankly, I was too willing to look past your monkeyshines because you kept winning. But now, you've gone too far! You have embarrassed yourself And besmirched the name of william Mckinley.
Sue Sylvester: A failed president.
Principal Figgins: Oh, please! The greatest one who ever lived! You are suspended from this school as of today. Schue, you have anything to add?
Will Schuester: I think you said it all.
Principal Figgins: My word is official! Let it be written.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, if this is the way you want to play it. Okay.
Principal Figgins: Schue, in light of Sue's interference, I am reinstating you as coach of the glee club. I contacted the Ohio show choir governing board And set the record straight.
Will Schuester: Thank you, sir.
Principal Figgins: My pleasure.
Will Schuester: All right. Good job.



Sue Sylvester: Schuester? Well played, sir. I underestimated you. All right, here's what happens now. I'm gonna head down to my condo in boca to brown up a bit, Get myself back into fighting shape. Then I'm gonna return to this school even more hell-bent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester. You are about to board the sue sylvester express. Destination? Horror!
Will Schuester: I look forward to it, sue.
Sue Sylvester: You know you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepared to be crushed.



Finn Hudson: Well, we have a few things we'd like to show you, Mr. Schue. The first...
Will Schuester: I am so proud of you guys. You won fair and square. The result was unanimous, and the judges didn't even know about all the shenanigans That were going on behind the scenes. So... congratulations. You earned this. Yeah! Give it up! Come on! All right! But... Now we have regionals to worry about. And you can bet that vocal adrenaline Is hard at work, so we should be, too. So, let's get started.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, wait, Mr. Schue. There's one more thing.
Rachel Berry: Since you weren't able to be there to see us perform, We put together a special number just for you. Take a seat!
New Directions: # la, la-la, la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la #
Rachel Berry: # guess this means you're sorry, you're standing at my door #
# guess this means you take back all you said before #
# like how much you wanted anyone but me #
# said you'd never come back, but here you are again #
New Directions: # 'cause we belong together now, yeah #
# forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you #
Finn & Rachel: # you know that I've got issues #
# but you're pretty messed up, too #
# either way, I found out I'm nothing without you #
New Directions: # 'cause we belong together now #
# yeah #
# forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you #
# 'cause we belong together now #
Rachel Berry: # together now #
New Directions: # forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you! #
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114. Hell-O

放送日:2010年4月13日


Mercedes Jones: Hey babe. Looking good.
Rachel Berry: Feeling good, Mercedes.
Mercedes Jones: This is amazing. Ever since glee club won sectionals, Everybody looks at us differently.
Jacob Ben Israel: I want to be with you, Rachel.
Kurt Hummel: We're glitterati. I feel like lady gaga.
Rachel Berry: Get used to it, guys. We're stars now. On par with all the jocks and popular kids. Oh, it's the dawn of a new era here at Mckinley, and we are gonna rule this school!
Dave Karofsky: Ooh-hoo, welcome to loser town.
Azimio Adams: Population: You.



Will Schuester: I don't understand. We won sectionals. I completely demonstrated the validity of this program. Now you're saying we have to place at regionals or the glee club's gone?
Principal Figgins: Schue, that was the deal from the beginning. I still have a bottom line. Those spotlights in the auditorium Don't run on dreams. Our electricity consumption is up two percent. Besides, it's cold out, Schue, and the cheerios Can no longer practice out of doors! They need the use of the auditorium as well.
Will Schuester: But the cheerios don't even have a coach.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, yes, they do. Hey, buddy, you get a haircut? Looks awful.
Will Schuester: What are you doing here?
Sue Sylvester: I'm just dropping off a mocha for my maharishi. I took the liberty of making it a double whip. Because after our conciliatory dinner, I happen to know that there is nothing You won't eat whipped cream off of. Would have gotten you one, will, But, uh, I don't like you. Okay.
Will Schuester: Wait, what the hell is going on here? You suspended her After she leaked our set list at sectionals.
Principal Figgins: Yes, and the point of suspension is reinstatement.



Finn Hudson: In some ways, I'm happy football season's over. I did set the single-season record for being sacked, but we only won one game. So, I'm hoping basketball can be a fresh start. The fact is, I'm kind of depressed.



Rachel Berry: Hey, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: I made us his and her relationship calendars. That way, we always know what the other is up to, So you can't say you forgot we had plans When you miss our dates anymore.
Finn Hudson: Great, but I'm kind of allergic to cats, so...
Rachel Berry: I filled in all of our dates for the next month. On the sixth, we're going to see phantom At the autistic children's center.
Finn Hudson: I know I saved glee club, and I guess chicks dig me, but I guess if I'm being honest, It's more like I'm not over her.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just saying, please stop super-sizing, 'cause... I don't dig on fat chicks.
Quinn Fabray: I'm pregnant.
Noah Puckerman: And that's my fault?
Finn Hudson: And Rachel— Now that we're sort of dating, I have to work So much harder to pretend to be listening to her. That sounds great.



Finn Hudson: Sometimes I wish I could be more like coach tanaka. He pulled a jessica simpson. You know, lost his fiancée, gained 40 pounds And stopped showering. And everyone acts like it's totally normal.
Rachel Berry: That's my boyfriend!
Finn Hudson: I'm off my game, and I don't know how to get back on it.



Sue Sylvester: There. You no longer confuse me with your she-male looks. I'm going to donate this to the victims of hurricane katrina. They can use it to plug the holes in their trailers.
Will Schuester: Sue. Please tell me how you managed to pull off Getting reinstated.
Sue Sylvester: Well, William, I realized back in my condo in boca That I had indeed behaved poorly. Riddled with remorse, I arranged a dinner So figgins and I could have a little professional sit-down.



Principal Figgins: Sue, there's no way I'm letting you back into that school.
Sue Sylvester: Mind flagging down that waiter?



Sue Sylvester: We had a very frank and healing discussion. And you know what, Will? It was like he was seeing me and my moral integrity For the very first time.



Sue Sylvester: So here's what's going to happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or I will tell your wife and the entire congregation of the cornerstone bible way church of our sexual congress. It's your choice. Smile.



Will Schuester: Okay, look, Sue, if you're back, let's bury the hatchet.
Sue Sylvester: I won't be burying any hatchets, William, Unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me.
Will Schuester: You did this to yourself, sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, enjoy this, William. Now that I am back and my position is secured, I will not stop until you are fired, and your little glee club is annihilated into oblivion.
Will Schuester: Bring it.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna bring? I'm going to bring some asian cookery to rub your head with. 'Cause right now you got enough product in your hair to season a wok.



Will Schuester: Hello. Hello?
New Directions: Hello.
Will Schuester: What do you guys say when you answer the phone?
Mercedes Jones: What up?
Artie Abrams: Who this be?
Kurt Hummel: No, she's dead. This is her son.
Will Schuester: O-kay... Alexander graham bell, inventor of the telephone, Liked to say "ahoy, ahoy" when he answered the phone. It was edison who decided that "hello" Was a more appropriate greeting. Look, I am really proud of what you guys did at sectionals, but as most of you have realized by now, It hasn't made a bit of difference In your day-to-day at school.
Rachel Berry: I have a slushe e-stained training bra to prove it.
Will Schuester: The fact is, we're gonna have to be better, Even more spectacular, at regionals. It's time for some reinvention, some new new directions. We need a new... Hello. Here's your assignment for the week. Come up with a fresh number, but it has to have "hello" In the song title, all right?



Will Schuester: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: This is kind of weird, isn't it?
Emma Pillsbury: Yes.
Will Schuester: I mean, here we are. We've been in this exact situation a hundred times. Only this time, I could just lean over and kiss you if I want to. And I want to.
Emma Pillsbury: No, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry.
Emma Pillsbury: Um... I just need to clean up first, So I'll be right back. Just hold on.
Will Schuester: No, no, no, no. Hey, Emma, I don't care. We've kissed before.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, but you caught me by surprise sneak attack that time. It was like a... A pearly white harbor. I'm sorry, this is a completely unattractive quality.
Will Schuester: You are adorable. You're right, too. We need to clean up a little before we charge forward. Get the monkeys off our backs. Let's do this right. We should go on a date.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: Get to know each other as these... New people, not tied down by anyone. My place. I'll cook.
Emma Pillsbury: I didn't know you could cook.
Will Schuester: There are so many things you don't know about me. And I can't wait to introduce them all to you. I'll see you later.



Sue Sylvester: You two should be wetting yourselves with shame. Glee club won sectionals, and you did nothing to stop it. If you were samurai, and my letter opener were sharp enough, I would ask you both right now to commit seppuku. In japanese, this means ritual belly-slitting.
Brittany S. Pierce: We were seduced by the glitz and glamour of show biz.
Sue Sylvester: Let me drop some knowledge on you. Ever since Quinn Fabray got knocked up, I've been in the market for a new head cheerleader. If you want the job and back in my good graces, You're gonna have to turn around And listen up. You're familiar with a little glee clubber named Rachel Berry? Rachel's the kind of girl Who wants things too badly. And what she really wants is one Finn hudson. I want you to go after him. She'll go crazy. She won't be able to stand your dating him. Humiliated, shamed, She'll have no choice but to leave the group. And without her, Schuester won't make it to regionals.



Will Schuester: I know it's been hard on you since the baby drama. Trust me, I get it, and it sucks.
Finn Hudson: You seem to be handling it fine.
Will Schuester: Well, it's because I realized that I had to find this new person inside of me, The one that was okay with what happened.
Finn Hudson: I just feel so bad about myself.
Will Schuester: Finn, that guy who made all those bad choices, Who ignored the signs, he's gone. This new, more experienced, more interesting guy is here. And I brought you here to introduce you to him. Help you move forward.
Finn Hudson: Oh, you mean like, meeting other girls? Because I think I'm dating Rachel. At least she sure thinks I am.
Will Schuester: No, it's not about meeting someone else. It's about being okay just being you. Come on, you're a rock star, Finn. You're like jagger, morrison.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, I like that.
Will Schuester: Good. I want you to meet the new and improved Finn hudson By singing about it.
Finn Hudson: Oh, that's why the band's here.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Pick a song, and they're ready to back you up.
Finn Hudson: Well, I like what you said about me being like morrison. And the doors have a "hello" song. So maybe I could find myself And do my glee assignment at the same time.
Will Schuester: All right, man, go to work.
Finn Hudson: # hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# she's walking down the street #
# blind to every eye she meets #
# do you think #
# you'll be the guy #
# to make #
# the queen of the angels sigh? #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# sidewalk crouches at her feet #
# like a dog that begs for something sweet #
# do you hope to make her see, you fool? #
# do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel? #
# hello #
# hello #
# hello #
# hello #
# I want you #
# I need my baby #
# hello #
# hello. #



Rachel Berry: And that, fellow glee clubbers, is how we say hello. Mr. Schuester, I'd like to run some of my "hello" ideas by you.
Brittany S. Pierce: You're a really good dancer.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, but my feet weren't really moving.
Brittany S. Pierce: That was the best part.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Santana Lopez: Brit and I were wondering if you wanted to go out.
Finn Hudson: On a... Date? With which one of you?
Brittany & Santana: With both of us.



Santana Lopez: Breadstix, 8:00. Table for three?
Finn Hudson: Cool.
Rachel Berry: What did they want?
Finn Hudson: Oh, nothing. Just the time.
Rachel Berry: I know being my boyfriend is a challenge. I'm not Quinn. I don't look like her. I'm not popular, and my personality, Though exciting and full of surprises, Isn't exactly lo w-maintenance, but... I'll always be honest with you. Painfully so. And all I ask in return Is that you're just honest with me.
Finn Hudson: I don't think I want to be your boyfriend.
Rachel Berry: What?
Finn Hudson: Look, Rachel, you're really awesome, but I think I need to connect with my inner rock star Before I can fully commit to one woman. I need to find out who I am now.
Rachel Berry: I'll tell you who you are. You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me Because you think it might hurt your reputation— Though, which you'd never admit it, Is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you, Not just because it hurt, but because it was so humiliating.
Finn Hudson: You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now.
Rachel Berry: I just see you for who you are. Unlike you, who can only see me as this silly girl Who made a fool out of herself In her first glee club rehearsal. And that's where you lose, Finn. Because, if you take a second look at me, You'd realize that I'm the only person in your life Who knows you and accepts you for who you are, no matter what.



Finn Hudson: Well, obviously, hawaiian pizza's the best Because it's got ham and pineapple on it, right?
Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-hmm.
Finn Hudson: So, it's better than most pizzas because it has...
Will Schuester: All right, guys, you got to get moving On those "hello" numbers. Who has got something to show us? Volunteers?
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I think I found a song That sums up my feelings perfectly.
Will Schuester: Fantastic, Rachel. Show us what you got.
Rachel Berry: # I wake up every evening #
# with a big smile on my face #
# and it never feels out of place #
# when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# now, where's your picket fence, love? #
# and where's that shiny car? #
# and did it ever get you far? #
# you never seemed so tense, love #
# I've never seen you fall so hard #
# do you know where you are? #
# and truth be told, I miss you #
# and truth be told, I'm lying #
# when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# if you find a man #
# that's worth a damn and treats you well #
# treats you well #
# then he's a fool #
# you're just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #
# now, you'll never see #
# what you've done to me #
# you can take back your memories #
# they're no good to me #
# and here's all your lies #
# you can look me in the eyes #
# with the sad, sad look #
# that you wear so well #
New Directions: # when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# if you find a man that's worth a damn #
# and treats you well #
# treats you well #
# then he's a fool, you're just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #
Rachel Berry: # when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you hear this song and sing along #
# well, you'll never tell #
New Directions: # never tell #
Rachel Berry: # then you're the fool, I'm just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #
New Directions: # gives you hell #
Rachel Berry: # when you hear this song #
# I hope that it will give you hell #
New Directions: # give you hell #
Rachel Berry: # you can sing along #
# I hope that it will treat you well. #
Will Schuester: Guys, guys, guys. I don't want to be a buzz-kill, but the assignment was "hello." I'm sorry.
Rachel Berry: I was just focusing on the first syllable.
Will Schuester: You know what? I don't think you guys understand The seriousness of what we're up against. While we were busy winning our sectional, Vocal Adrenaline was busy winning theirs. They're last year's national champions. They haven't lost a competition in three years. This is the big leagues, guys. If we don't place at regionals, glee club is over.



Jesse St. James: Lionel richie, huh? One of my favorites.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my god, you're Jesse St. James. You're in Vocal Adrenaline.
Jesse St. James: And you're Rachel Berry. I saw you perform at sectionals. Your rendition of "don't rain on my parade" was flawed. You totally lacked barbra's emotional depth. But you're talented. This is one of my favorite haunts. I like to come and flip through the celebrity biographies. Pick up some lifestyle tips. I'm a senior now, so this year's kind of my victory lap. Snagging a fourth consecutive national championship would just be gravy. I'm getting out of ohio soon. I've got a full ride to a little school Called the university of california los angeles. Maybe you've heard of it. It's in los angeles. What do you say we take it for a spin?
Rachel Berry: Here? Oh, no, I-I-I'm kind of nervous.
Jesse St. James: I remember when I used to get nervous. Come on. I do this all the time. I like to give impromptu concerts for the homeless. It's so important to give back.
# I've been alone #
# with you inside my mind #
# and in my dreams, I've kissed your lips #
# a thousand times #
# I sometimes see you pass #
# outside my door #
# hello #
# is it me you're looking for? #
Rachel & Jesse: # I can see it in your eyes #
# I can see it in your smile #
# you're all I've ever wanted #
# and my arms are open wide #
# 'cause you know just what to say #
# and you know just what to do #
# and I want to tell you so much #
# I love you #
Rachel Berry: # oh, yeah #
Jesse St. James: # I long to see the sunlight #
# in your hair #
Rachel Berry: # and tell you time and time again #
# how much I care #
Rachel & Jesse: # sometimes I feel my heart #
# will overflow #
# hello #
# I've just got to let you know #
# 'cause I wonder where you are #
Jesse St. James: # and I wonder what you do #
Rachel Berry: # I wonder what you do #
Rachel & Jesse: # are you somewhere feeling lonely #
# or is someone loving you? #
# tell me how to win your heart #
# for I haven't got a clue #
# but let me start by saying #
# I love you. #
Jesse St. James: We should do this more often. How's friday night?



Santana Lopez: Excuse me. We'd like to send these back.
Waitress Sandy: But you ate all of it.
Santana Lopez: Look, I'm pretty sure you have to do what we say. And this food was not satisfactory.
Brittany S. Pierce: There was a mouse in mine.
Santana Lopez: So, we'd like more, please. All right, hottest guys in the school. Go.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, um, Puck's super-fine.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.
Brittany S. Pierce: Finn's cute, too.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, but he's not hot, though.
Brittany S. Pierce: He really isn't.
Santana Lopez: And you know what, brit? I think that dwarf girlfriend of his Is dragging down his rep. I mean, if he were dating, Say, popular pretty girls like us, He would go from dumpy to smokin'.
Finn Hudson: Hello? Hey, I'm right here. Would you guys mind, like, including me in your conversations?
Santana Lopez: I'll just give you an introduction Into the way that we work. You buy us dinner and we make out in front of you. It's like the best deal ever.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?
Santana Lopez: I know. She looked like pippi longstocking, But, like, israeli.
Brittany S. Pierce: Those sweaters make her look homeschooled.
Finn Hudson: Hey, guys, come on. Don't make fun of Rachel. She's... She's kind of cool.
Brittany S. Pierce: Finn, that's mean.
Santana Lopez: You know what, actually? Would you mind waiting in the car? And leave your credit card.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks? Yeah.



Neil Diamond: # hello again #
# hello #
Will Schuester: # just called to say #
# hello #
# I couldn't sleep #
# at all tonight #
# and I know it's late #
# but I couldn't wait... #
Will Schuester: This is the perfect song for us. See, he's known this girl for so long, but they've just been friends, and now he's calling her up to tell her he wants more. I was sort of inspired By my "hello" assignment with the kids.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I love it.
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Emma Pillsbury: I love it.
Will Schuester: You do? Oh... I don't know why, but... I always had a soft spot for this song.
Neil Diamond: # you're there at home #
# hello #
# maybe it's been crazy #
# and maybe I'm to blame #
# but I put my heart above my head... #
Emma Pillsbury: Too much too fast. Too much too fast.
Will Schuester: You smell great, your teeth are clean...
Emma Pillsbury: You're very sweet. It's not that. I'm... I just haven't been, uh... Intimate In a very, very long time.
Will Schuester: How long?
Emma Pillsbury: Ever. I just haven't found the right person. You know, someone who won't reject me When things get really hard with my, um, with my problems.
Will Schuester: It-it's cool.
Emma Pillsbury: It's not. It's not cool. I can tell.
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Emma... I understand. I'll pop in a movie.
Emma Pillsbury: Do we have to watch armageddon again?
Will Schuester: Uh, it's that or bad boys. They're the only dvds that Terri left behind. She liked to have bruckheimer night every other week.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, okay.



Finn Hudson: Hey, Rach, can we talk? Look, I want to apologize. I realized I don't want to date other girls. Only you. You do talk too much, and usually you're just talking about yourself, but at least I don't feel alone when I'm with you.
Rachel Berry: I'm glad you've come to that realization, but you're too late. I've met someone else— A boy who's finally worthy of my talent and love.
Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa, wait. Do I know him? Is he, is he bigger than me?
Rachel Berry: Oh, he doesn't go to this school, and he's a senior. His name is Jesse, and he's the male lead in Vocal Adrenaline. We're both aware that our rome o-and-juliet romance Will be a challenge, but our deep respect For each other's talent will carry us through.
Finn Hudson: Rachel, don't you think that's kind of suspicious? We make it to regionals and suddenly The top guy in our main competition picks you up?
Rachel Berry: I know it's hard to believe that anyone would like me Without an ulterior motive, but you have to respect That our love is real. Move on, Finn. I finally have.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue... We have a problem.



Santana Lopez: Finn didn't fall for any of our tricks.
Sue Sylvester: Such as?
Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't wear a bra, and I had them turn up the air conditioning.
Sue Sylvester: Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young sarah palin.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, we did find out Rachel's with some dude from Vocal Adrenaline.
Sue Sylvester: Name?
Santana Lopez: Jesse St. James.
Sue Sylvester: Ooh, bringing down this club may be easier than I thought. I'm engorged with venom and triumph. Now get the hell out of my office.



Jesse St. James: # livin' easy, livin' free #
# a season ticket on a one-way ride #
# goin' down, party town #
# my friends are gonna be there, too #
# I'm on the #
# highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway #
# highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway to hell #
# I'm on it, I'm on it #
# highway to hell... #
# don't stop me #
# oh, yeah! #
Shelby Corcoran: Stop please. Dear God, just stop. Seriously, guys, It's like watching beige paint dry. Could everyone please look at Jesse? Jesse, give us a show face. That's a show face, guys. You want to look so talented, It's literally hurting you. I want a look that's so optimistic, It could cure cancer. That's what I'm talking about. Take five, everybody. Drink a red bull.
Will Schuester: Excuse me, Ms. Corcoran? Hi, I'm Will Schuester.
Shelby Corcoran: Sorry, I don't know who you are.
Will Schuester: I'm a big fan, really. I also coach the Mckinley glee club.
Shelby Corcoran: I don't usually cotton too well to my competition sneaking in to watch a rehearsal. But I also have trouble seeing you guys as competition.
Will Schuester: I believe you have a student named Jesse St. James? Yeah, I think he might be dating one of my students. I'm more than a little concerned With the whole fraternizing with the enemy aspect of their relationship.
Shelby Corcoran: You think we're spying on you?
Will Schuester: Honestly? Yes.
Shelby Corcoran: Noted. Look, I don't stand For any funny business, and Jesse's a good kid. I mean, what can you do? The heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes there's that little spark.



Shelby Corcoran: I'm not interested in coaching Just your average high school glee club. I'm driven to excellence.
Will Schuester: Yeah, excellence.
Shelby Corcoran: A lot of people thought I couldn't take nationals With a routine where the kids dance entirely on their hands.
Will Schuester: Okay... I'm sorry. We have to stop. I... I just can't do this.
Shelby Corcoran: Aw, I'm sorry. I'm all business; I'm trying to work on that.
Will Schuester: No, it isn't that.
Shelby Corcoran: Are you gay?
Will Schuester: What? No.
Shelby Corcoran: Because most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay.



Shelby Corcoran: I spend every waking moment Thinking about Vocal Adrenaline. I have no life. I haven't been on a date in three years.
Will Schuester: Here you go.
Shelby Corcoran: Thanks. I did lie to you earlier. I do know who you are. I saw you at our fall invitational. I thought you were really cute.
Will Schuester: You know, I know what you mean- about being obsessed with work. I'm so committed to the glee club, and I think it played a big part in ending my marriage.
Shelby Corcoran: How long have you been divorced?
Will Schuester: Um... Well, I'm not really divorced yet. And then I-I started dating Someone I-I really care about, but it isn't working for some reason.
Shelby Corcoran: Oh, you're already seeing someone else And you were just making out with me.
Will Schuester: I'm kind of a mess.
Shelby Corcoran: Look, I don't want to tell you how to live your life...
Will Schuester: Please, be my guest.
Shelby Corcoran: I think you need to take some time to reintroduce yourself to yourself. You just finished being somebody's husband, and that didn't really work out. And now you're running off to be Somebody's boyfriend? Seems to me you need to take a little breather. Look, that hair, that dimple, that Terrible clunker you drive— I think you're about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Here's my number. When you get things sorted out, give me a call. Thank you for the coffee. And the making out— kind of hot.



Rachel Berry: Hey, guys.
Kurt Hummel: Cut the butter, benedict arnold. We heard about your new boyfriend.
Mercedes Jones: Look, Rachel, We're all happy that you're happy, but we've worked too hard in glee club to let you throw it all away on a relationship That might not even be real.
Rachel Berry: Why, 'cause he's in Vocal Adrenaline?
Kurt Hummel: Their motto is " aut neca aut necatus eris." Which loosely translates to " murder or be murdered."
Tina Cohen-Chang: They give their dancers human growth hormone.
Mercedes Jones: Look, we're not saying The dude is playing you.
Kurt Hummel: He's playing you.
Mercedes Jones: We just think that until regionals are over, We can't risk the possibility that he is.
Tina Cohen-Chang: None of us want to go through What happened at sectionals again.
Rachel Berry: Okay, look, Jesse and I might not be true love, but what if we are? I know who I am. And how many chances at this am I going to get?
Kurt Hummel: If you don't break up with him, you're out.
Rachel Berry: You can't kick me out!
Artie Abrams: But we can all quit if Mr. Schue doesn't.
Rachel Berry: Well, good luck winning without me.
Kurt Hummel: Everyone is replaceable, even you.
Rachel Berry: How could you do this to me?
Mercedes Jones: How could you do this to us? We're a team, and All you've ever wanted was for us to be great, and be a part of something special. Now is that still true or not?



Rachel Berry: You wanted to see me, coach Sylvester?
Sue Sylvester: I did, Rachel. I want to introduce you to the Mckinley high old maids club.
Lauren Zizes: Have a seat, boy hips.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, it's come to my attention That you've been given the old heave-ho By that Terribly uncoordinated Finn hudson.
Dottie Westerton: Ouch.
Sue Sylvester: And I also understand You have a serious suitor in the form a piping hot Hunkwad from another district, but that your fellow Glee clubbers are so incensed with betrayal, They barely have time to apply freeze off to the clusters of warts between their knuckles.
Rachel Berry: How did you know that?



Santana Lopez: Brit and I told everybody in glee club About Jesse St. James. They're furious.
Brittany S. Pierce: If Rachel falls for him, the club will self-destruct.
Sue Sylvester: Outstanding. On to step two. Round up a bunch of mustach e-sporting teenage girls With glandular conditions. Anything else?
Brittany S. Pierce: Sometimes I forget my middle name.



Lauren Zizes: I know how torn you must be, Berry. My freshman year, I fell for a boy on an opposing wrestling squad, but my team wouldn't go for it. So, the next time I stepped onto the mat, I pinned him so hard, it ruptured his scrotum, Ending his run for The state championship And my run for his heart. To my team, I was a legend. But I relished this victory in solitude. Now, I spend my Friday nights Making out with my cat And watching ghost whisperer.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, If I weren't ignoring What these ladies were saying Out of an overwhelming sense of deep repulsion, I would probably hear them encouraging you to go for it with your carmel high beau. Or you might end up like Dottie here, who, although her father offered A sizeable dowry, which included livestock, Still couldn't get a date to homecoming.
Rachel Berry: No homecoming?
Sue Sylvester: No valentines, no sock hop. Rachel, you need to become even more narcissistic And self-centered than you already are. Think of yourself- your potential happiness. If not, Join the club.



Terri Schuester: Beautiful table. Meticulous, really. I guess being crazy has its benefits.
Emma Pillsbury: It's date night. Actually, it was tomorrow, but will wanted tonight, so, I'm surprising him. And I know He keeps a key under the mat.
Terri Schuester: You're really loving this, aren't you?
Emma Pillsbury: I take no pleasure in your pain, Terri. But I am enjoying Seeing will get a second chance at happiness, yes.
Terri Schuester: Oh, and you're the one to introduce him to this magical new world of bliss? What, you with your thre e-times-a-day showers And the fact that you can't sleep Unless your shoes are all in a row?
Emma Pillsbury: Is there a reason that you're here? 'Cause I'd kind of like you to be gone when will gets home.
Terri Schuester: I just need to pick up the rest of my bruckheimer DVDs. Whose is this?
Emma Pillsbury: That's mine. I got really tired of watching con air every night. And Will picked "hello" as our song.
Terri Schuester: Oh, you poor girl. Don't bother sleeping with my husband tonight. You're already screwed. "Hello" was our prom song. I mean, I doubt will remembers. He goes to the market for milk, comes home with a pack of gum.
Emma Pillsbury: You're lying.
Terri Schuester: Ask him. Or better yet, go to the library And look it up for yourself in that year's thunderclap. Sorry.



Rachel Berry: Jesse? Who's there? I carry a rape whistle.
Jesse St. James: Just me. Most spots are 2,500 watts. This one is ten times brighter. We have to wear sunscreen onstage, but it's worth it.
Rachel Berry: I guess everything is bigger and brighter here. I have to ask you something. And I need you to tell me the truth, Because if you don't, there will be consequences— Life-and-death consequences. Because if I give myself to you, and it turns out that you're just playing me, I might die. Okay, okay, not literally, but emotionally. It'll be the kind of heartbreak that girls like me hold For the rest of their lives, like barbra in the way we were.
Jesse St. James: Oh, my god.
Rachel Berry: What?
Jesse St. James: You're more of a drama queen than I am. Hi. I'm Jesse.
Rachel Berry: I know who you are.
Jesse St. James: You know Jesse St. James, The star of Vocal Adrenaline, your competition at regionals. I want to introduce you to Jesse, The guy who's nuts about you, The guy who would never hurt you.
Rachel Berry: No one can know.
Jesse St. James: I understand.



Will Schuester: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: I get home last night, and It was like some ghost had laid out This beautiful, romantic meal for me. A ghost who wears your perfume.
Emma Pillsbury: I was just in the library. Page 42.
Will Schuester: Okay. Oh, my... My junior prom.
Emma Pillsbury: I wanted to surprise you on Wednesday. Terri came by and, um, Told me about the prom...
Will Schuester: About the song. Emma, I-I have no feelings about this night anymore. I didn't even remember the song.
Emma Pillsbury: No. I know. I know, not consciously. But somewhere inside, You're still not over her. We were naive. I think sometimes we spend So much time with these kids that we start acting like them. You've been in the same relationship Your entire life. You don't know who you are alone. I think this song is just The beginning of you repeating the same patterns.
Will Schuester: Terri and I met when I was 15. I'm a different person now.
Emma Pillsbury: How is you compromising yourself For my crazy any different than you doing it for hers?
Will Schuester: Well... What do you want to do?
Emma Pillsbury: I think that... You need to spend some time alone. I do. I think you need to get to know yourself. You know, you haven't been okay With having your own needs since you were 15.
Will Schuester: You're right. I guess... I'm just not good at being alone... And realizing what my own needs are.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, maybe around the time that you figure out what they are... Maybe I'll be ready to get a little messy. Can you go now? I think I need to close the door and cry.



Rachel Berry: Hey. I ended it with Jesse. You can spread the word. I know you know how to do that.
Finn Hudson: Look, I'm sorry, uh... Look, I know this really sucks for you But I think it's for the best.
Rachel Berry: Taking one for the team. I get it.
Finn Hudson: No, not just for the team. For us. You and me. I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel like I have All these problems, you know, With Quinn and-and basketball and girls and stuff, and I've been so overwhelmed Trying to figure them all out. Then I realized the only thing I needed to fix was us. I want us to be together, Rachel. A real couple. Look, I even circled some dates on your crazy calendar. Is you not being able to talk right now a good thing or a bad thing?
Rachel Berry: I can't.
Finn Hudson: Can't what?
Rachel Berry: I-I can't be a couple with you. It's the team. We-we can't have any, um, drama right now. You know, we need... We need to focus on regionals.And I appreciate your offer, but in the spirit of being a team player, I have to decline.
Finn Hudson: Hey, whoa. I'm not just some guy that you met at the music store That you can just blow off. I don't give up that easy. See you at rehearsal.



Finn Hudson: # you say "yes" #
# I say "no" #
Finn & Rachel: # you say "stop" #
# I say "go, go, go" #
# oh, no #
New Directions: # you say "good-bye" #
# and I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why #
# you say "good-bye," I say "hello" #
Finn Hudson: # you say "yes" #
New Directions: # I say "yes" #
Finn Hudson: # I say "no" #
New Directions: # maybe, no #
Finn & Rachel: # you say "stop" #
New Directions: # I can stay... #
Finn & Rachel: # I say "go" #
New Directions: # "go, go" #
Finn & Rachel: # oh, no #
New Directions: # you say "good-bye" #
# and I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# hello... #


Mercedes Jones: Hey babe. Looking good.
Rachel Berry: Feeling good, Mercedes.
Mercedes Jones: This is amazing. Ever since glee club won sectionals, Everybody looks at us differently.
Jacob Ben Israel: I want to be with you, Rachel.
Kurt Hummel: We're glitterati. I feel like lady gaga.
Rachel Berry: Get used to it, guys. We're stars now. On par with all the jocks and popular kids. Oh, it's the dawn of a new era here at Mckinley, and we are gonna rule this school!
Dave Karofsky: Ooh-hoo, welcome to loser town.
Azimio Adams: Population: You.



Will Schuester: I don't understand. We won sectionals. I completely demonstrated the validity of this program. Now you're saying we have to place at regionals or the glee club's gone?
Principal Figgins: Schue, that was the deal from the beginning. I still have a bottom line. Those spotlights in the auditorium Don't run on dreams. Our electricity consumption is up two percent. Besides, it's cold out, Schue, and the cheerios Can no longer practice out of doors! They need the use of the auditorium as well.
Will Schuester: But the cheerios don't even have a coach.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, yes, they do. Hey, buddy, you get a haircut? Looks awful.
Will Schuester: What are you doing here?
Sue Sylvester: I'm just dropping off a mocha for my maharishi. I took the liberty of making it a double whip. Because after our conciliatory dinner, I happen to know that there is nothing You won't eat whipped cream off of. Would have gotten you one, will, But, uh, I don't like you. Okay.
Will Schuester: Wait, what the hell is going on here? You suspended her After she leaked our set list at sectionals.
Principal Figgins: Yes, and the point of suspension is reinstatement.



Finn Hudson: In some ways, I'm happy football season's over. I did set the single-season record for being sacked, but we only won one game. So, I'm hoping basketball can be a fresh start. The fact is, I'm kind of depressed.



Rachel Berry: Hey, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: I made us his and her relationship calendars. That way, we always know what the other is up to, So you can't say you forgot we had plans When you miss our dates anymore.
Finn Hudson: Great, but I'm kind of allergic to cats, so...
Rachel Berry: I filled in all of our dates for the next month. On the sixth, we're going to see phantom At the autistic children's center.
Finn Hudson: I know I saved glee club, and I guess chicks dig me, but I guess if I'm being honest, It's more like I'm not over her.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just saying, please stop super-sizing, 'cause... I don't dig on fat chicks.
Quinn Fabray: I'm pregnant.
Noah Puckerman: And that's my fault?
Finn Hudson: And Rachel— Now that we're sort of dating, I have to work So much harder to pretend to be listening to her. That sounds great.



Finn Hudson: Sometimes I wish I could be more like coach tanaka. He pulled a jessica simpson. You know, lost his fiancée, gained 40 pounds And stopped showering. And everyone acts like it's totally normal.
Rachel Berry: That's my boyfriend!
Finn Hudson: I'm off my game, and I don't know how to get back on it.



Sue Sylvester: There. You no longer confuse me with your she-male looks. I'm going to donate this to the victims of hurricane katrina. They can use it to plug the holes in their trailers.
Will Schuester: Sue. Please tell me how you managed to pull off Getting reinstated.
Sue Sylvester: Well, William, I realized back in my condo in boca That I had indeed behaved poorly. Riddled with remorse, I arranged a dinner So figgins and I could have a little professional sit-down.



Principal Figgins: Sue, there's no way I'm letting you back into that school.
Sue Sylvester: Mind flagging down that waiter?



Sue Sylvester: We had a very frank and healing discussion. And you know what, Will? It was like he was seeing me and my moral integrity For the very first time.



Sue Sylvester: So here's what's going to happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or I will tell your wife and the entire congregation of the cornerstone bible way church of our sexual congress. It's your choice. Smile.



Will Schuester: Okay, look, Sue, if you're back, let's bury the hatchet.
Sue Sylvester: I won't be burying any hatchets, William, Unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me.
Will Schuester: You did this to yourself, sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, enjoy this, William. Now that I am back and my position is secured, I will not stop until you are fired, and your little glee club is annihilated into oblivion.
Will Schuester: Bring it.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna bring? I'm going to bring some asian cookery to rub your head with. 'Cause right now you got enough product in your hair to season a wok.



Will Schuester: Hello. Hello?
New Directions: Hello.
Will Schuester: What do you guys say when you answer the phone?
Mercedes Jones: What up?
Artie Abrams: Who this be?
Kurt Hummel: No, she's dead. This is her son.
Will Schuester: O-kay... Alexander graham bell, inventor of the telephone, Liked to say "ahoy, ahoy" when he answered the phone. It was edison who decided that "hello" Was a more appropriate greeting. Look, I am really proud of what you guys did at sectionals, but as most of you have realized by now, It hasn't made a bit of difference In your day-to-day at school.
Rachel Berry: I have a slushe e-stained training bra to prove it.
Will Schuester: The fact is, we're gonna have to be better, Even more spectacular, at regionals. It's time for some reinvention, some new new directions. We need a new... Hello. Here's your assignment for the week. Come up with a fresh number, but it has to have "hello" In the song title, all right?



Will Schuester: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: This is kind of weird, isn't it?
Emma Pillsbury: Yes.
Will Schuester: I mean, here we are. We've been in this exact situation a hundred times. Only this time, I could just lean over and kiss you if I want to. And I want to.
Emma Pillsbury: No, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry.
Emma Pillsbury: Um... I just need to clean up first, So I'll be right back. Just hold on.
Will Schuester: No, no, no, no. Hey, Emma, I don't care. We've kissed before.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, but you caught me by surprise sneak attack that time. It was like a... A pearly white harbor. I'm sorry, this is a completely unattractive quality.
Will Schuester: You are adorable. You're right, too. We need to clean up a little before we charge forward. Get the monkeys off our backs. Let's do this right. We should go on a date.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: Get to know each other as these... New people, not tied down by anyone. My place. I'll cook.
Emma Pillsbury: I didn't know you could cook.
Will Schuester: There are so many things you don't know about me. And I can't wait to introduce them all to you. I'll see you later.



Sue Sylvester: You two should be wetting yourselves with shame. Glee club won sectionals, and you did nothing to stop it. If you were samurai, and my letter opener were sharp enough, I would ask you both right now to commit seppuku. In japanese, this means ritual belly-slitting.
Brittany S. Pierce: We were seduced by the glitz and glamour of show biz.
Sue Sylvester: Let me drop some knowledge on you. Ever since Quinn Fabray got knocked up, I've been in the market for a new head cheerleader. If you want the job and back in my good graces, You're gonna have to turn around And listen up. You're familiar with a little glee clubber named Rachel Berry? Rachel's the kind of girl Who wants things too badly. And what she really wants is one Finn hudson. I want you to go after him. She'll go crazy. She won't be able to stand your dating him. Humiliated, shamed, She'll have no choice but to leave the group. And without her, Schuester won't make it to regionals.



Will Schuester: I know it's been hard on you since the baby drama. Trust me, I get it, and it sucks.
Finn Hudson: You seem to be handling it fine.
Will Schuester: Well, it's because I realized that I had to find this new person inside of me, The one that was okay with what happened.
Finn Hudson: I just feel so bad about myself.
Will Schuester: Finn, that guy who made all those bad choices, Who ignored the signs, he's gone. This new, more experienced, more interesting guy is here. And I brought you here to introduce you to him. Help you move forward.
Finn Hudson: Oh, you mean like, meeting other girls? Because I think I'm dating Rachel. At least she sure thinks I am.
Will Schuester: No, it's not about meeting someone else. It's about being okay just being you. Come on, you're a rock star, Finn. You're like jagger, morrison.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, I like that.
Will Schuester: Good. I want you to meet the new and improved Finn hudson By singing about it.
Finn Hudson: Oh, that's why the band's here.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Pick a song, and they're ready to back you up.
Finn Hudson: Well, I like what you said about me being like morrison. And the doors have a "hello" song. So maybe I could find myself And do my glee assignment at the same time.
Will Schuester: All right, man, go to work.
Finn Hudson: # hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# she's walking down the street #
# blind to every eye she meets #
# do you think #
# you'll be the guy #
# to make #
# the queen of the angels sigh? #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# sidewalk crouches at her feet #
# like a dog that begs for something sweet #
# do you hope to make her see, you fool? #
# do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel? #
# hello #
# hello #
# hello #
# hello #
# I want you #
# I need my baby #
# hello #
# hello. #



Rachel Berry: And that, fellow glee clubbers, is how we say hello. Mr. Schuester, I'd like to run some of my "hello" ideas by you.
Brittany S. Pierce: You're a really good dancer.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, but my feet weren't really moving.
Brittany S. Pierce: That was the best part.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Santana Lopez: Brit and I were wondering if you wanted to go out.
Finn Hudson: On a... Date? With which one of you?
Brittany & Santana: With both of us.



Santana Lopez: Breadstix, 8:00. Table for three?
Finn Hudson: Cool.
Rachel Berry: What did they want?
Finn Hudson: Oh, nothing. Just the time.
Rachel Berry: I know being my boyfriend is a challenge. I'm not Quinn. I don't look like her. I'm not popular, and my personality, Though exciting and full of surprises, Isn't exactly lo w-maintenance, but... I'll always be honest with you. Painfully so. And all I ask in return Is that you're just honest with me.
Finn Hudson: I don't think I want to be your boyfriend.
Rachel Berry: What?
Finn Hudson: Look, Rachel, you're really awesome, but I think I need to connect with my inner rock star Before I can fully commit to one woman. I need to find out who I am now.
Rachel Berry: I'll tell you who you are. You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me Because you think it might hurt your reputation— Though, which you'd never admit it, Is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you, Not just because it hurt, but because it was so humiliating.
Finn Hudson: You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now.
Rachel Berry: I just see you for who you are. Unlike you, who can only see me as this silly girl Who made a fool out of herself In her first glee club rehearsal. And that's where you lose, Finn. Because, if you take a second look at me, You'd realize that I'm the only person in your life Who knows you and accepts you for who you are, no matter what.



Finn Hudson: Well, obviously, hawaiian pizza's the best Because it's got ham and pineapple on it, right?
Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-hmm.
Finn Hudson: So, it's better than most pizzas because it has...
Will Schuester: All right, guys, you got to get moving On those "hello" numbers. Who has got something to show us? Volunteers?
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I think I found a song That sums up my feelings perfectly.
Will Schuester: Fantastic, Rachel. Show us what you got.
Rachel Berry: # I wake up every evening #
# with a big smile on my face #
# and it never feels out of place #
# when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# now, where's your picket fence, love? #
# and where's that shiny car? #
# and did it ever get you far? #
# you never seemed so tense, love #
# I've never seen you fall so hard #
# do you know where you are? #
# and truth be told, I miss you #
# and truth be told, I'm lying #
# when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# if you find a man #
# that's worth a damn and treats you well #
# treats you well #
# then he's a fool #
# you're just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #
# now, you'll never see #
# what you've done to me #
# you can take back your memories #
# they're no good to me #
# and here's all your lies #
# you can look me in the eyes #
# with the sad, sad look #
# that you wear so well #
New Directions: # when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# if you find a man that's worth a damn #
# and treats you well #
# treats you well #
# then he's a fool, you're just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #
Rachel Berry: # when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you hear this song and sing along #
# well, you'll never tell #
New Directions: # never tell #
Rachel Berry: # then you're the fool, I'm just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #
New Directions: # gives you hell #
Rachel Berry: # when you hear this song #
# I hope that it will give you hell #
New Directions: # give you hell #
Rachel Berry: # you can sing along #
# I hope that it will treat you well. #
Will Schuester: Guys, guys, guys. I don't want to be a buzz-kill, but the assignment was "hello." I'm sorry.
Rachel Berry: I was just focusing on the first syllable.
Will Schuester: You know what? I don't think you guys understand The seriousness of what we're up against. While we were busy winning our sectional, Vocal Adrenaline was busy winning theirs. They're last year's national champions. They haven't lost a competition in three years. This is the big leagues, guys. If we don't place at regionals, glee club is over.



Jesse St. James: Lionel richie, huh? One of my favorites.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my god, you're Jesse St. James. You're in Vocal Adrenaline.
Jesse St. James: And you're Rachel Berry. I saw you perform at sectionals. Your rendition of "don't rain on my parade" was flawed. You totally lacked barbra's emotional depth. But you're talented. This is one of my favorite haunts. I like to come and flip through the celebrity biographies. Pick up some lifestyle tips. I'm a senior now, so this year's kind of my victory lap. Snagging a fourth consecutive national championship would just be gravy. I'm getting out of ohio soon. I've got a full ride to a little school Called the university of california los angeles. Maybe you've heard of it. It's in los angeles. What do you say we take it for a spin?
Rachel Berry: Here? Oh, no, I-I-I'm kind of nervous.
Jesse St. James: I remember when I used to get nervous. Come on. I do this all the time. I like to give impromptu concerts for the homeless. It's so important to give back.
# I've been alone #
# with you inside my mind #
# and in my dreams, I've kissed your lips #
# a thousand times #
# I sometimes see you pass #
# outside my door #
# hello #
# is it me you're looking for? #
Rachel & Jesse: # I can see it in your eyes #
# I can see it in your smile #
# you're all I've ever wanted #
# and my arms are open wide #
# 'cause you know just what to say #
# and you know just what to do #
# and I want to tell you so much #
# I love you #
Rachel Berry: # oh, yeah #
Jesse St. James: # I long to see the sunlight #
# in your hair #
Rachel Berry: # and tell you time and time again #
# how much I care #
Rachel & Jesse: # sometimes I feel my heart #
# will overflow #
# hello #
# I've just got to let you know #
# 'cause I wonder where you are #
Jesse St. James: # and I wonder what you do #
Rachel Berry: # I wonder what you do #
Rachel & Jesse: # are you somewhere feeling lonely #
# or is someone loving you? #
# tell me how to win your heart #
# for I haven't got a clue #
# but let me start by saying #
# I love you. #
Jesse St. James: We should do this more often. How's friday night?



Santana Lopez: Excuse me. We'd like to send these back.
Waitress Sandy: But you ate all of it.
Santana Lopez: Look, I'm pretty sure you have to do what we say. And this food was not satisfactory.
Brittany S. Pierce: There was a mouse in mine.
Santana Lopez: So, we'd like more, please. All right, hottest guys in the school. Go.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, um, Puck's super-fine.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.
Brittany S. Pierce: Finn's cute, too.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, but he's not hot, though.
Brittany S. Pierce: He really isn't.
Santana Lopez: And you know what, brit? I think that dwarf girlfriend of his Is dragging down his rep. I mean, if he were dating, Say, popular pretty girls like us, He would go from dumpy to smokin'.
Finn Hudson: Hello? Hey, I'm right here. Would you guys mind, like, including me in your conversations?
Santana Lopez: I'll just give you an introduction Into the way that we work. You buy us dinner and we make out in front of you. It's like the best deal ever.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?
Santana Lopez: I know. She looked like pippi longstocking, But, like, israeli.
Brittany S. Pierce: Those sweaters make her look homeschooled.
Finn Hudson: Hey, guys, come on. Don't make fun of Rachel. She's... She's kind of cool.
Brittany S. Pierce: Finn, that's mean.
Santana Lopez: You know what, actually? Would you mind waiting in the car? And leave your credit card.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks? Yeah.



Neil Diamond: # hello again #
# hello #
Will Schuester: # just called to say #
# hello #
# I couldn't sleep #
# at all tonight #
# and I know it's late #
# but I couldn't wait... #
Will Schuester: This is the perfect song for us. See, he's known this girl for so long, but they've just been friends, and now he's calling her up to tell her he wants more. I was sort of inspired By my "hello" assignment with the kids.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I love it.
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Emma Pillsbury: I love it.
Will Schuester: You do? Oh... I don't know why, but... I always had a soft spot for this song.
Neil Diamond: # you're there at home #
# hello #
# maybe it's been crazy #
# and maybe I'm to blame #
# but I put my heart above my head... #
Emma Pillsbury: Too much too fast. Too much too fast.
Will Schuester: You smell great, your teeth are clean...
Emma Pillsbury: You're very sweet. It's not that. I'm... I just haven't been, uh... Intimate In a very, very long time.
Will Schuester: How long?
Emma Pillsbury: Ever. I just haven't found the right person. You know, someone who won't reject me When things get really hard with my, um, with my problems.
Will Schuester: It-it's cool.
Emma Pillsbury: It's not. It's not cool. I can tell.
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Emma... I understand. I'll pop in a movie.
Emma Pillsbury: Do we have to watch armageddon again?
Will Schuester: Uh, it's that or bad boys. They're the only dvds that Terri left behind. She liked to have bruckheimer night every other week.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, okay.



Finn Hudson: Hey, Rach, can we talk? Look, I want to apologize. I realized I don't want to date other girls. Only you. You do talk too much, and usually you're just talking about yourself, but at least I don't feel alone when I'm with you.
Rachel Berry: I'm glad you've come to that realization, but you're too late. I've met someone else— A boy who's finally worthy of my talent and love.
Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa, wait. Do I know him? Is he, is he bigger than me?
Rachel Berry: Oh, he doesn't go to this school, and he's a senior. His name is Jesse, and he's the male lead in Vocal Adrenaline. We're both aware that our rome o-and-juliet romance Will be a challenge, but our deep respect For each other's talent will carry us through.
Finn Hudson: Rachel, don't you think that's kind of suspicious? We make it to regionals and suddenly The top guy in our main competition picks you up?
Rachel Berry: I know it's hard to believe that anyone would like me Without an ulterior motive, but you have to respect That our love is real. Move on, Finn. I finally have.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue... We have a problem.



Santana Lopez: Finn didn't fall for any of our tricks.
Sue Sylvester: Such as?
Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't wear a bra, and I had them turn up the air conditioning.
Sue Sylvester: Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young sarah palin.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, we did find out Rachel's with some dude from Vocal Adrenaline.
Sue Sylvester: Name?
Santana Lopez: Jesse St. James.
Sue Sylvester: Ooh, bringing down this club may be easier than I thought. I'm engorged with venom and triumph. Now get the hell out of my office.



Jesse St. James: # livin' easy, livin' free #
# a season ticket on a one-way ride #
# goin' down, party town #
# my friends are gonna be there, too #
# I'm on the #
# highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway #
# highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway to hell #
# I'm on it, I'm on it #
# highway to hell... #
# don't stop me #
# oh, yeah! #
Shelby Corcoran: Stop please. Dear God, just stop. Seriously, guys, It's like watching beige paint dry. Could everyone please look at Jesse? Jesse, give us a show face. That's a show face, guys. You want to look so talented, It's literally hurting you. I want a look that's so optimistic, It could cure cancer. That's what I'm talking about. Take five, everybody. Drink a red bull.
Will Schuester: Excuse me, Ms. Corcoran? Hi, I'm Will Schuester.
Shelby Corcoran: Sorry, I don't know who you are.
Will Schuester: I'm a big fan, really. I also coach the Mckinley glee club.
Shelby Corcoran: I don't usually cotton too well to my competition sneaking in to watch a rehearsal. But I also have trouble seeing you guys as competition.
Will Schuester: I believe you have a student named Jesse St. James? Yeah, I think he might be dating one of my students. I'm more than a little concerned With the whole fraternizing with the enemy aspect of their relationship.
Shelby Corcoran: You think we're spying on you?
Will Schuester: Honestly? Yes.
Shelby Corcoran: Noted. Look, I don't stand For any funny business, and Jesse's a good kid. I mean, what can you do? The heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes there's that little spark.



Shelby Corcoran: I'm not interested in coaching Just your average high school glee club. I'm driven to excellence.
Will Schuester: Yeah, excellence.
Shelby Corcoran: A lot of people thought I couldn't take nationals With a routine where the kids dance entirely on their hands.
Will Schuester: Okay... I'm sorry. We have to stop. I... I just can't do this.
Shelby Corcoran: Aw, I'm sorry. I'm all business; I'm trying to work on that.
Will Schuester: No, it isn't that.
Shelby Corcoran: Are you gay?
Will Schuester: What? No.
Shelby Corcoran: Because most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay.



Shelby Corcoran: I spend every waking moment Thinking about Vocal Adrenaline. I have no life. I haven't been on a date in three years.
Will Schuester: Here you go.
Shelby Corcoran: Thanks. I did lie to you earlier. I do know who you are. I saw you at our fall invitational. I thought you were really cute.
Will Schuester: You know, I know what you mean- about being obsessed with work. I'm so committed to the glee club, and I think it played a big part in ending my marriage.
Shelby Corcoran: How long have you been divorced?
Will Schuester: Um... Well, I'm not really divorced yet. And then I-I started dating Someone I-I really care about, but it isn't working for some reason.
Shelby Corcoran: Oh, you're already seeing someone else And you were just making out with me.
Will Schuester: I'm kind of a mess.
Shelby Corcoran: Look, I don't want to tell you how to live your life...
Will Schuester: Please, be my guest.
Shelby Corcoran: I think you need to take some time to reintroduce yourself to yourself. You just finished being somebody's husband, and that didn't really work out. And now you're running off to be Somebody's boyfriend? Seems to me you need to take a little breather. Look, that hair, that dimple, that Terrible clunker you drive— I think you're about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Here's my number. When you get things sorted out, give me a call. Thank you for the coffee. And the making out— kind of hot.



Rachel Berry: Hey, guys.
Kurt Hummel: Cut the butter, benedict arnold. We heard about your new boyfriend.
Mercedes Jones: Look, Rachel, We're all happy that you're happy, but we've worked too hard in glee club to let you throw it all away on a relationship That might not even be real.
Rachel Berry: Why, 'cause he's in Vocal Adrenaline?
Kurt Hummel: Their motto is " aut neca aut necatus eris." Which loosely translates to " murder or be murdered."
Tina Cohen-Chang: They give their dancers human growth hormone.
Mercedes Jones: Look, we're not saying The dude is playing you.
Kurt Hummel: He's playing you.
Mercedes Jones: We just think that until regionals are over, We can't risk the possibility that he is.
Tina Cohen-Chang: None of us want to go through What happened at sectionals again.
Rachel Berry: Okay, look, Jesse and I might not be true love, but what if we are? I know who I am. And how many chances at this am I going to get?
Kurt Hummel: If you don't break up with him, you're out.
Rachel Berry: You can't kick me out!
Artie Abrams: But we can all quit if Mr. Schue doesn't.
Rachel Berry: Well, good luck winning without me.
Kurt Hummel: Everyone is replaceable, even you.
Rachel Berry: How could you do this to me?
Mercedes Jones: How could you do this to us? We're a team, and All you've ever wanted was for us to be great, and be a part of something special. Now is that still true or not?



Rachel Berry: You wanted to see me, coach Sylvester?
Sue Sylvester: I did, Rachel. I want to introduce you to the Mckinley high old maids club.
Lauren Zizes: Have a seat, boy hips.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, it's come to my attention That you've been given the old heave-ho By that Terribly uncoordinated Finn hudson.
Dottie Westerton: Ouch.
Sue Sylvester: And I also understand You have a serious suitor in the form a piping hot Hunkwad from another district, but that your fellow Glee clubbers are so incensed with betrayal, They barely have time to apply freeze off to the clusters of warts between their knuckles.
Rachel Berry: How did you know that?



Santana Lopez: Brit and I told everybody in glee club About Jesse St. James. They're furious.
Brittany S. Pierce: If Rachel falls for him, the club will self-destruct.
Sue Sylvester: Outstanding. On to step two. Round up a bunch of mustach e-sporting teenage girls With glandular conditions. Anything else?
Brittany S. Pierce: Sometimes I forget my middle name.



Lauren Zizes: I know how torn you must be, Berry. My freshman year, I fell for a boy on an opposing wrestling squad, but my team wouldn't go for it. So, the next time I stepped onto the mat, I pinned him so hard, it ruptured his scrotum, Ending his run for The state championship And my run for his heart. To my team, I was a legend. But I relished this victory in solitude. Now, I spend my Friday nights Making out with my cat And watching ghost whisperer.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, If I weren't ignoring What these ladies were saying Out of an overwhelming sense of deep repulsion, I would probably hear them encouraging you to go for it with your carmel high beau. Or you might end up like Dottie here, who, although her father offered A sizeable dowry, which included livestock, Still couldn't get a date to homecoming.
Rachel Berry: No homecoming?
Sue Sylvester: No valentines, no sock hop. Rachel, you need to become even more narcissistic And self-centered than you already are. Think of yourself- your potential happiness. If not, Join the club.



Terri Schuester: Beautiful table. Meticulous, really. I guess being crazy has its benefits.
Emma Pillsbury: It's date night. Actually, it was tomorrow, but will wanted tonight, so, I'm surprising him. And I know He keeps a key under the mat.
Terri Schuester: You're really loving this, aren't you?
Emma Pillsbury: I take no pleasure in your pain, Terri. But I am enjoying Seeing will get a second chance at happiness, yes.
Terri Schuester: Oh, and you're the one to introduce him to this magical new world of bliss? What, you with your thre e-times-a-day showers And the fact that you can't sleep Unless your shoes are all in a row?
Emma Pillsbury: Is there a reason that you're here? 'Cause I'd kind of like you to be gone when will gets home.
Terri Schuester: I just need to pick up the rest of my bruckheimer DVDs. Whose is this?
Emma Pillsbury: That's mine. I got really tired of watching con air every night. And Will picked "hello" as our song.
Terri Schuester: Oh, you poor girl. Don't bother sleeping with my husband tonight. You're already screwed. "Hello" was our prom song. I mean, I doubt will remembers. He goes to the market for milk, comes home with a pack of gum.
Emma Pillsbury: You're lying.
Terri Schuester: Ask him. Or better yet, go to the library And look it up for yourself in that year's thunderclap. Sorry.



Rachel Berry: Jesse? Who's there? I carry a rape whistle.
Jesse St. James: Just me. Most spots are 2,500 watts. This one is ten times brighter. We have to wear sunscreen onstage, but it's worth it.
Rachel Berry: I guess everything is bigger and brighter here. I have to ask you something. And I need you to tell me the truth, Because if you don't, there will be consequences— Life-and-death consequences. Because if I give myself to you, and it turns out that you're just playing me, I might die. Okay, okay, not literally, but emotionally. It'll be the kind of heartbreak that girls like me hold For the rest of their lives, like barbra in the way we were.
Jesse St. James: Oh, my god.
Rachel Berry: What?
Jesse St. James: You're more of a drama queen than I am. Hi. I'm Jesse.
Rachel Berry: I know who you are.
Jesse St. James: You know Jesse St. James, The star of Vocal Adrenaline, your competition at regionals. I want to introduce you to Jesse, The guy who's nuts about you, The guy who would never hurt you.
Rachel Berry: No one can know.
Jesse St. James: I understand.



Will Schuester: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: I get home last night, and It was like some ghost had laid out This beautiful, romantic meal for me. A ghost who wears your perfume.
Emma Pillsbury: I was just in the library. Page 42.
Will Schuester: Okay. Oh, my... My junior prom.
Emma Pillsbury: I wanted to surprise you on Wednesday. Terri came by and, um, Told me about the prom...
Will Schuester: About the song. Emma, I-I have no feelings about this night anymore. I didn't even remember the song.
Emma Pillsbury: No. I know. I know, not consciously. But somewhere inside, You're still not over her. We were naive. I think sometimes we spend So much time with these kids that we start acting like them. You've been in the same relationship Your entire life. You don't know who you are alone. I think this song is just The beginning of you repeating the same patterns.
Will Schuester: Terri and I met when I was 15. I'm a different person now.
Emma Pillsbury: How is you compromising yourself For my crazy any different than you doing it for hers?
Will Schuester: Well... What do you want to do?
Emma Pillsbury: I think that... You need to spend some time alone. I do. I think you need to get to know yourself. You know, you haven't been okay With having your own needs since you were 15.
Will Schuester: You're right. I guess... I'm just not good at being alone... And realizing what my own needs are.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, maybe around the time that you figure out what they are... Maybe I'll be ready to get a little messy. Can you go now? I think I need to close the door and cry.



Rachel Berry: Hey. I ended it with Jesse. You can spread the word. I know you know how to do that.
Finn Hudson: Look, I'm sorry, uh... Look, I know this really sucks for you But I think it's for the best.
Rachel Berry: Taking one for the team. I get it.
Finn Hudson: No, not just for the team. For us. You and me. I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel like I have All these problems, you know, With Quinn and-and basketball and girls and stuff, and I've been so overwhelmed Trying to figure them all out. Then I realized the only thing I needed to fix was us. I want us to be together, Rachel. A real couple. Look, I even circled some dates on your crazy calendar. Is you not being able to talk right now a good thing or a bad thing?
Rachel Berry: I can't.
Finn Hudson: Can't what?
Rachel Berry: I-I can't be a couple with you. It's the team. We-we can't have any, um, drama right now. You know, we need... We need to focus on regionals.And I appreciate your offer, but in the spirit of being a team player, I have to decline.
Finn Hudson: Hey, whoa. I'm not just some guy that you met at the music store That you can just blow off. I don't give up that easy. See you at rehearsal.



Finn Hudson: # you say "yes" #
# I say "no" #
Finn & Rachel: # you say "stop" #
# I say "go, go, go" #
# oh, no #
New Directions: # you say "good-bye" #
# and I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why #
# you say "good-bye," I say "hello" #
Finn Hudson: # you say "yes" #
New Directions: # I say "yes" #
Finn Hudson: # I say "no" #
New Directions: # maybe, no #
Finn & Rachel: # you say "stop" #
New Directions: # I can stay... #
Finn & Rachel: # I say "go" #
New Directions: # "go, go" #
Finn & Rachel: # oh, no #
New Directions: # you say "good-bye" #
# and I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# hello... #
外部リンク
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115. The Power of Madonna

放送日:2010年4月20日


Sue Sylvester: "Madonna." Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful. Even in voice-over, how I have worshipped her ever since I was a little girl. Sorry, Angie Jolie, Catherine the Great... Madonna is the most powerful woman to ever walk the face of the Earth.



Sue Sylvester: I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's Greatest Hits over the P.A. System, quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.
Principal Figgins: But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with 35 bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupils to do the same. You say the word, and I willhprovide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately.
Principal Figgins: I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!
Sue Sylvester: What you call insanity I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna— the woman most responsible for my take-no-prisoners demeanor, and my subconscious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now, my Cheerio Squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?



Sue Sylvester: Smile.



Sue Sylvester: I have your wife's phone number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?



Sue Sylvester: Santana. What does your bracelet say?
Santana Lopez: "W.W.M.D".
Sue Sylvester: "What would Madonna do"? Well, the answer to that question is usually date a younger man. So, let's see some arm candy, girls. Sorry, freshmen. You're going to have to start trolling the middle schools. And you know why? 'Cause if you want to be as riveting a performer as Madonna— a skill that will nab us Nationals this year— you're going to have to start thinking like her, acting like her. Also... A la Madonna, I will no longer acknowledge that any of you have last names. Becky Jackson. From now on, you're just Becky. You know, it's like Madonna once said, "I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay." I'm pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester. No, really, she stole it from me. I said it first. Palladium. '87.



Rachel Berry: Can I ask you guys something private?
Santana Lopez: Yes, you should move to Israel.
Rachel Berry: It's about dating. Not that I'm dating anyone. We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item, and for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jesse. But let's just say I was dating someone. Let's just say, hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night, and then because my dads weren't home, we went up to my room and started making out. It was erotic and romantic. And then he said...



Jesse St. James: We should do it.
Rachel Berry: "It"?
Jesse St. James: Totally. Haven't you done it before?
Rachel Berry: No. Have you?
Jesse St. James: What do you think? It's no big deal.
Rachel Berry: For a girl, it is.



Rachel Berry: What if then he got really crabby and left, and didn't even take home the Care Bear I won him playing Skee Ball?
Quinn Fabray: Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby.
Rachel Berry: I just want to be ready; I know I'm getting older, and these things are going to happen someday, but how do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying "no"?
Santana Lopez: Just do what I do. Never say "no."
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, totally. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Sorry, Quinn.
Mercedes Jones: Look, girl, don't ask me. The last guy I liked was the mayor of gaytown. And I can't wait to get a guy mad at me for saying "no."
Tina Cohen-Chang: We just have to accept that guys don't care about our feelings. Like, the other day, I was walking with Artie...



Artie Abrams: I've thought a lot about it, and I forgive you for lying about your stutter. However, if you're planning on getting all up on this, I'm going to need you to make some changes. The goth thing was two years ago, so maybe lose the vampire makeup and consider some tighter-fitting clothing. You've got the pow, and I believe you should work it more if we're going to be an item.



Rachel Berry: That's got to sting.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help but overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?
Quinn Fabray: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy.
Will Schuester: Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Ms. Pillsbury.
Rachel Berry: I tried that.



Emma Pillsbury: Oh, um, that's a hot-button topic, isn't it? I mean, when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.
Rachel Berry: I have two gay dads.
Emma Pillsbury: Right, right— you, um... How about your rabbi?
Rachel Berry: I really don't feel comfortable talking about this with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren't you a guidance counselor?
Emma Pillsbury: Uh...



Quinn Fabray: The fact is is that women still earn 70 cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school.



Emma Pillsbury: I don't know what to say. I mean, I can't do this job if I don't have the kids' confidence.
Will Schuester: Now, I get that this area of interest is, uh, your blind spot, but I want to help you so that the next time a girl comes in here asking those kinds of questions, you'll be prepared. I'm not saying you need to have sex.
Emma Pillsbury: No! No, no, no. No, that's not what you were offering. Just... Why would you offer that? It wasn't what I was thinking. Wishful thinking is all that was.
Will Schuester: I mean, what this is all really about is teenage girls feeling like they have no power.
Emma Pillsbury: Right, and it makes sense, too. I mean, look at their role models, you know? You've got Britney Spears and her shaved head. Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of Lord of the Rings. Ann Coulter.
Will Schuester: Let's work together to try to find a way to make them feel more confident about themselves.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I like that. Yes, we will change the world one girl at a time. We'll be like a girl-saving team.
Will Schuester: And maybe along the way, we can find a way to help you, too.



Madonna: # Zephyr in the sky #
# At night I wonder #
# Do my tears of mourning #
# Sink beneath the sun? #
# She's got herself a universe gone quickly #
# For the call of thunder #
# Threatens everyone... #
# And I feel like I just got home, and I feel #
# And I feel like I just got home #
# And I feel... #
Sue Sylvester: Sloppy freak show babies! Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping! Hit the showers! Oh, hey, William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
Will Schuester: Wow, Sue. I'm really impressed.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, Madonna is legend. And I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer: strength, independence... Nobody quite like the Material Girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hairdresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.
Will Schuester: I'll see you later, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard?! I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! That's hard!



Will Schuester: What comes to mind when you see that name?
Rachel Berry: Genius.
Kurt Hummel: Icon.
Noah Puckerman: Hall of Fame MILF.
Will Schuester: So, we're all aware of Madonna's musical and cultural significance, which is why this week, your assignment is to come up with a Madonna number.
Mercedes Jones: Yes!
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes!
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue? As a dude, Madonna makes me kind of uncomfortable.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, she's smokin' and everything, but can't some of us do something else? Like the guy version of Madonna? Like, you know, Pantera?
Will Schuester: Guys! You know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and I hate to say it, misogynistic.
Finn Hudson: I have no idea what that means.
Brittany S. Pierce: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.
Will Schuester: What it means is, put yourself in their shoes for a change. Culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends her music, because by and large, the subtext of her songs are about being strong, independent and-and confident, no matter what your sex. But more than anything, Madonna's musical message is about equality. And that is something I ink you guys need to work on.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, I don't think we can have an honest conversation about Ms. Ciccone without acknowledging that her images are as indelible as her songs. I would like to honor her contributions by tackling a multi-media project with Mercedes.
Will Schuester: Great. Go for it, Kurt.
Noah Puckerman: I'm still not down. And no chick intimidates Puckzilla. I just don't think her music translates to show choir.
Rachel Berry: Really? Well I, for one, couldn't disagree more.
# Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it, and it goes something like this. #
Girls of ND: # Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know, you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you know your love is real #
Rachel Berry: # You don't need diamond rings #
# Or 18-karat gold #
Quinn Fabray: # Fancy cars that go very fast, you know #
# They never last, no, no #
Mercedes Jones: # What you need is a big, strong hand #
# To lift you to your higher ground #
# Make you feel like a queen on a throne #
# Make him love you till you can't come down #
Girls of ND: # Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know, you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you'll know your love is real #
# And when you're gone, he might regret it #
# Think about the love you once had #
# Try to carry on #
# But he just won't get it #
# Hey... #
# He'll be back on his knees, so please #
# Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you'll know your love is real #
# Let him know your love is real #
# You've got to make him express himself #
# Hey, hey, hey, hey #
Mercedes Jones: # Put your love to the test #
Girls of ND: # So if you want it right now #
# Make him show you how #
Mercedes Jones: # Make him show how he feels #
Girls of ND: # Express what he's got #
# Oh, baby, ready or not #
# Express yourself. #
Will Schuester: That's what I'm talking about. All right.



Santana Lopez: I look smokin' hot.
Brittany S. Pierce: Guess who I'm dating.
Santana Lopez: Who?
Brittany S. Pierce: Wes Brody. He's super cute. He plays soccer with my sister. He's seven.
Santana Lopez: Oh! Crap. I need a younger, inferior man. If I don't find one, Coach Sylvester will kick me off the Cheerios, for sure.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hello? Finn! His birthday's like three days before yours, and he's super dumb.
Santana Lopez: We already tried with Finn, and he hates us.
Brittany S. Pierce: Trust me, the way to get a man to follow you forever... Take his virginity. Madonna, like, wrote a song about it.
Madonna: # You're not convinced that that is enough... #
Santana Lopez: Hey, Finnocence. You know, I've been thinking, and I think we should go out. Just you and me this time, no third wheel.
Finn Hudson: Will you talk to me this time?
Santana Lopez: I don't really talk during. Look, Finn, It's high time you lost the big V. Everything about you screams virgin. You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you.
Finn Hudson: Well, look, I appreciate the offer, but I have feelings for someone else, and I'm trying to work things out with them. So...
Santana Lopez: Who, Rachel? She's dating that Jesse kid from Vocal Adrenaline.
Finn Hudson: No, she's not.
Santana Lopez: Please, you can smell it on her. She's like a cat in heat. She talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choir room. So come on, let's do the deed. It'll be great for my image, and Sue will promote me to head cheerleader. It's win-win.
Finn Hudson: Wait, what... What do I get out of it?
Santana Lopez: I don't know. You get to have sex and make Rachel jealous. I meant for me, okay? It's win-win for me.



Sue Sylvester: You wanted to see me?
Emma Pillsbury: Sue! Um, yeah, thank you for coming. Please sit down.
Sue Sylvester: No.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Um, I was just wondering why Madonna's playing everywhere except my office.
Sue Sylvester: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your, uh, intercom disconnected.



Rachel Berry: There you go. Finn, I was just coming to find you. Look, I know that the boys were a little uncomfortable about this Madonna assignment, so I figured you and I as co-captains could do a little mash-up of a bunch of her songs just to show everyone how cool it can be.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?
Rachel Berry: No, no. Who-who told you that?
Finn Hudson: Look, I know things have been weird between us, but I never thought you'd lie to me.
Rachel Berry: Look, please just don't tell anyone.
Finn Hudson: Unbelievable.
Rachel Berry: We may not be together the way that Jesse and I are, but we can still be friends. I-I'm asking you as my friend to trust me.
Finn Hudson: Fine... But if this leads to something bad for all of us, don't expect any more friendship from me.
Rachel Berry: Noted. All right, let's rehearse, then.
# Something in the way you love me won't let me be #
# I don't wanna be your prisoner #
# So baby, won't you set me free? #
# Stop playing with my heart #
# Finish what you start #
# When you make my love come down #
# If you want me, let me know #
# Baby, let it show #
# Honey, don't you fool around #
Finn Hudson: # Don't try to resist me #
# Open your heart to me, baby #
# I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
Finn & Rachel: # Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #
Rachel Berry: # Something in your eyes is making such a fool of me #
Finn Hudson: # You're making me, you're making such a fool of me #
Finn & Rachel: # I see you on the street and you walk on by #
Finn Hudson: # You're on the street, I see you when you're walking by #
Rachel Berry: # When you hold me in your arms #
Finn & Rachel: # You love me till I just can't see #
Finn Hudson: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
Finn & Rachel: # So you choose to look the other way #
# Well, I've got something to say #
# Open your heart to me, baby #
# I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
# Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #
Finn Hudson: # Open your heart, I'll make you love me #
Finn & Rachel: # I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
# Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #
# Open your heart with the key. #
Rachel Berry: Th-That was good.
Finn Hudson: Totally.



Kurt Hummel: I'm going to Kabbalah. Is that too much?
Will Schuester: Hey, guys, how's this week's assignment coming along?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, amazing. You know how Madonna kind of reinvented the video, right?
Will Schuester: Right.
Mercedes Jones: Well, we got Artie and the A/V Club to help out. We're gonna make a Madonna video of our own.
Kurt Hummel: It's going to be "Madge-ical." Madge— you know, Madonna's nickname? Okay, you really got to get up to speed here.
Will Schuester: I got it.
Sue Sylvester: Schuester! I heard a juicy little rumor that your Up With People rejects were doing some Madonna songs. Is that true?
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, to be honest, Sue, I got inspired watching your Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I have been waiting years to pay tribute to her, and you are not swooping in at the last minute to snatch her from my talons. Madonna belongs to me, and I will not be copied. It's in my contract. I want you to listen very closely. You can have your Barbras and your Chers and your Christinas... And wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.
Will Schuester: Okay, first of all, my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain, and there's nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working out for you? Oh...
Madonna: # And you should know I suffer the same... #
Will Schuester: Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your Flowbee. Oh, snap!
Madonna: # Love is a bird #
# She needs to fly #
# Let all the hurt inside of you die #
# You're frozen #
# When your heart's not open... #
Sue Sylvester: Who else wants a piece of this, huh?!
Madonna: # Mm... Hmm, hmm #
# Give yourself to me #
# Mm... . Hmm, hmm #
Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so, that offer of yours uh, to lose... The big V... I'm in.
Madonna: # If I could melt your heart... #



Kurt Hummel: Ms. Sylvester, we'd like a word.
Mercedes Jones: We saw how upset you got today.
Sue Sylvester: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kurt Hummel: We saw your face after Mr. Schuester insulted your hair.
Sue Sylvester: Close the door. Sit down. You know, kids, I grew up with a handi-capable sister. My parents were famous Nazi hunters, so they weren't around a lot. I had to bring her up on my own. I didn't have a lot of time or money to keep up with all the latest looks. But on my sixth birthday, True Blue was released. An album that would later sell over 30 million copies. My sister and I took it upon ourselves to bleach my hair with whatever chemicals we could find around the house. Ammonia, napalm. My hair was so damaged, I've been forced to wear it short ever since. It's been a daily, ongoing pain.
Mercedes Jones: Wait, that would make you, like, 30.
Sue Sylvester: 29. And here's the truth— I mercilessly pick on Will Schuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I'm jealous. There, I said it.
Kurt Hummel: I think we can help. Mercedes is black; I'm gay. We make culture.
Sue Sylvester: Go on.
Kurt Hummel: We're working on an exciting new project and would like to use the Cheerios.
Mercedes Jones: And we can help you find a new look.
Sue Sylvester: Interesting.


# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do #
# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do #
# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do #
# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do! #


Rachel Berry: Sondheim on Music. Jesse, is that you?
Jesse St. James: I'm so glad you came. I picked the Stephen Sondheim biography section for our clandestine meeting place, because only he would be able to express my melancholia. I feel bad about what happened at your house. Do you still have my Care Bear?
Rachel Berry: Yes. Since we're meeting in the shadows, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Jesse St. James: Me first. I was out of line the other night. You deserve more than that. You deserve romance— no, you deserve epic romance. I feel badly that I pressured you into... You know, going all the way. I'm willing to wait. You tell me when you're ready. And I'll make sure that I'm fastidiously groomed. What did you want to tell me?
Rachel Berry: I'm ready.



Will Schuester: Hey, that catch was amazing Tuesday.
Emma Pillsbury: Will!
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, wait up.
Will Schuester: All right. How's it going?
Emma Pillsbury: Good. Um... Okay, I've realized something, something really important. You know when we were talking about Madonna the other day and how her music was being blasted like an intimidating cluster bomb into everybody's office except for mine because, apparently, I lack a shred of sex appeal? Well, it struck me that the Big Mo is always in control of everything. Her life is her own.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Emma Pillsbury: So I need to take control of myself and my body, just like Madonna. Which is why... I'm planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place. Foreplay shall begin at 7:30 sharp. So, what do you think? Not that it matters.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.
Emma Pillsbury: Great.
Will Schuester: Great.
Emma Pillsbury: 7:30.
Will Schuester: Cool.



Artie Abrams: "Vogue," take one. Sound speed... And action. And playback.
Sue Sylvester: # Strike a pose. #
# Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache #
# It's everywhere that you go #
# Go, go, go, go #
# You try everything you can to escape #
# The pain of life that you know #
# The life that you know #
# When all else fails and you long to be #
# Something better than you are today #
# I know a place where you can get away #
# It's called a dance floor, and here's what it's for #
# So come on, vogue #
# Let your body move to the music #
# Move to the music #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Come on, vogue #
# Let your body go with the flow #
# Go with the flow #
# You know you can do it #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Not just where you bump and grind it #
# Soul is in the musical #
# That's where I feel so beautiful #
# Magical #
# Life's a ball #
# So get up on the dance floor #
# Come on, vogue #
# Vogue #
# Let your body move to the music #
# Move to the music #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Come on, vogue #
# Vogue #
# Let your body go with the flow #
# Go with the flow #
# You know you can do it #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Move to the music #
# Vogue #
# Vogue #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Go with the flow #
# Greta Garbo and Monroe #
# Dietrich and DiMaggio #
# Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean #
# On the cover of a magazine #
# Grace Kelly, Harlow, Jean #
# Picture of a beauty queen #
# Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire #
# Sue Sylvester dance on air #
# They had style, they had grace #
# Rita Hayworth gave good face #
# Lauren, Katherine, Lana, too #
# Will Schuester, I hate you #
# Ladies with an attitude #
# Fellas that were in the mood #
# Don't just stand there, let's get to it #
# Strike a pose, there's nothing to it #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Ooh... #
# You've got to let your body move to the music #
# Ooh... #
# You've got to just... #
# Vogue... #



Jesse St. James: Are you ready?
Finn Hudson: In a minute.
Rachel Berry: # I made it through the wilderness #
# Somehow I made it through #
Rachel & Jesse: # I didn't know how lost I was #
# Until I found you #
Emma & Will: # I was beat, incomplete #
# I'd been had #
# I was sad and blue #
Rachel & Jesse: # But you made me feel #
# Yeah, you made me feel shiny and new #
# Like a virgin #
# Touched for the very first time #
All: # Like a virgin #
# When your heart beats next to mine #
Rachel Berry: # Gonna give you all my love, boy #
# My fear is fading fast #
Rachel & Jesse: # I'd been saving it all for you #
# 'Cause only love can last #
Emma & Will: # You're so fine #
# And you're mine #
# Make me strong #
# Yeah, you make me bold #
Rachel & Jesse: # Oh, your love thawed out #
# Yeah, your love thawed out #
# What was getting cold #
All: # Like a virgin #
Santana Lopez: # You make me feel like a virgin #
All: # Touched for the very first time #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #
All: # Like a vir-ir-irgin #
# When your heart beats next to mine #
# Like a virgin #
# Oh-oh-oh, like a virgin #
# Yeah, it feels so good inside #
Jesse St. James: # When you hold me #
Emma Pillsbury: # When you hold me #
Jesse St. James: # When your heart beats #
Finn Hudson: # When your heart beats #
Jesse St. James: # When you love me #
Santana Lopez: # When you love me, baby #
Finn & Rachel: # Oh-oh #
# Whoa #
All: # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah #
Rachel & Jesse: # Oh-oh... Yeah #
All: # Oh, like a virgin. #
Jesse St. James: Rachel?
Rachel Berry: I'm ready.



Kurt Hummel: Our project was a triumph.
Mercedes Jones: I know. I wonder which look she's gonna rock.
Kurt Hummel: Doesn't matter. They were all fantastic. Oh, dear.
Mercedes Jones: Miss Sylvester.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, hey, there, Whoopi, Don Knotts.
Mercedes Jones: What happened?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll tell you what. All those costumes and the hairstyles, I'm gonna leave constant reinvention to Madonna. Know why? Had a revelation.



Sue Sylvester: Here's a list of the kids I want shipped off to New York with 35 bucks in their pocket. Operation Madonna is now complete.
Principal Figgins: Sue, these are all Glee kids.
Sue Sylvester: Yep.
Principal Figgins: Um... I-I'm sorry, Sue. I'm having trouble concentrating. Your new look is...
Sue Sylvester: Fantastic. Yeah, I agree.
Principal Figgins: Unnecessary. Sue, you're a powerful woman. You don't need to copy anyone else. You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.
Sue Sylvester: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?



Sue Sylvester: See, kids, Sue Sylvester realized she didn't need to reinvent herself. She needs to reinvent everybody else, starting with you two.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Rachel Berry: Hi.
Finn Hudson: So how'd your date with Jesse go Friday night?
Rachel Berry: It went wonderfully. Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, you know, it-it was great. But when it was over, I just, uh, you know, didn't know why I was so nervous in the first place.



Jesse St. James: Just come out so we can talk... Or sing about it.
Rachel Berry: Look, Jesse, I really like you, but... I can't do it. It wouldn't be right for... The team.
Jesse St. James: What does the team have to do with this?
Rachel Berry: If I give myself to you knowing that my teammates wouldn't approve, it would be like I was sleeping with the enemy. I'd be betraying them. And because I'm truly not ready to do this, I'd be betraying myself.



Finn Hudson: I'm happy for you.
Rachel Berry: And, uh, what about you? I heard that you had a date with Santana on Friday night.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I-I couldn't go through with it.
Rachel Berry: Why?
Finn Hudson: I guess I'm just waiting for the right person.



Santana Lopez: Do you think they have room service in this place? 'Cause I want a burger.
Finn Hudson: I thought I'd feel different after.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, I've noticed that it takes about 20 or so times before the feeling of accomplishment really kicks in. There's no menu, so you're gonna have to take me to a burger joint. How do you feel?
Finn Hudson: I don't feel anything... 'cause it didn't mean anything.



Will Schuester: Where have you been? I've been calling you all weekend.
Emma Pillsbury: I was kind of embarrassed. I really wanted to go through with it, Will. You were so gracious and gentle and... Handsome, and it felt so good to be close to you in that way. I just, I don't know why I always freak out like that.
Will Schuester: Stop, stop-stop-stop. You don't need to sleep with me to prove anything. You took ownership of your body on Friday when you told yourself you weren't ready... And then ran out of my apartment with no shoes on.
Emma Pillsbury: They're my favorites. Did you bring them?
Will Schuester: I feel bad, Emma. I've been working so hard trying to get the guys to start treating the girls with more respect, and I haven't been walking the walk. I never should have agreed to have you come over that night.
Emma Pillsbury: I did kind of throw myself at you.
Will Schuester: That is the point. We're falling into a pattern here. We need to instate an official no-dating policy until my divorce is final.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, when will that be?
Will Schuester: I filed today. So that's a start. But while we're waiting, I want you to get some help for your problems; we need to take action here. They're not gonna go away unless we do. Now, our health union covers counseling. They'll come to the school, meet you in your office, whatever you need. And... I polished them myself.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.
Jesse St. James: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yes?
Jesse St. James: I'm Jesse St. James. Can I talk to you about something?



Finn Hudson: What the hell?! It seems like now everybody's doing things just to hurt my feelings.
Jesse St. James: I thought you all would take this news a little better. I'm a star. You can learn from me.
Kurt Hummel: We were already fighting for second leads. And now that you've shown up, I've lost all hope at ever getting a solo.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, that's right. And y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?
Santana Lopez: He's a spy, Mr. Schue. I would know.
Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I saw all the paperwork, I spoke with his parents...
Jesse St. James: They winter in Bali. It's a very expensive phone call.
Will Schuester: Jesse just moved in with his uncle, which is in our school district. It's all above board, guys. He goes to this school now.
Artie Abrams: But this isn't fair.
Will Schuester: Guys! Everyone who's ever auditioned for this group has gotten in. That's how we do things here. Okay, to suddenly change the rules now, that would be unfair. Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue, is he your son?
Rachel Berry: I don't understand why you're doing this.
Jesse St. James: Because when you love something, you got to go for it. You would never be with me completely if I were on the opposing team. And I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline. For you.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, we have got a lot of work to do. Jesse, great to have you here. Welcome aboard. Okay, from the top.



Sue Sylvester: Five, six, seven, eight!
Mercedes Jones: # Hey #
# Unh, come on #
# Kurt Hummel, take it #
Kurt Hummel: # Come on, girl #
# I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll #
# Unh #
Mercedes Jones: # Well, don't waste time, give me the sign #
# Tell me how you want to roll #
Kurt Hummel: # I want somebody to speed it up for me #
# Then take it down slow #
# There's enough room for both #
Mercedes Jones: # Well, I can handle that #
# You just got to show me where it's at #
# Are you ready to go? Are you ready to go-o-o-o? #
Kurt & Mercedes: # If you want it #
# You already got it #
# If you've thought it, it better be what you want #
Kurt Hummel: # Time is waiting #
Mercedes Jones: # We only got four minutes to save the world #
Kurt Hummel: # No hesitating #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
# Grab a boy and grab a girl #
Kurt Hummel: # Time is waiting #
Mercedes Jones: # We only got four minutes to save the world #
Kurt Hummel: # No hesitating #
Kurt & Mercedes: # We only got four minutes, four minutes #
Mercedes Jones: # Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna, unh #
Kurt & Mercedes: # You gotta get 'em all hot #
# Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock #
Mercedes Jones: # That's right, keep it up, keep it up #
# Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna, unh #
Kurt & Mercedes: # You gotta get 'em all hot #
# Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. #
Will Schuester: Sue, what the hell is going on here?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, what's the matter, buddy? Did you miss the show? You probably had to run to the powder room. Let me fill you in. Future center square Kurt Hummel there and his brassy hag Mercedes just tore that Madonna song a new one.
Will Schuester: Wait, you two are Cheerios now?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, I've decided to add vocals to my already wildly overproduced Cheerios numbers. It'll give us the edge at Nationals.
Will Schuester: You guys could've at least given me the heads-up.
Mercedes Jones: You mean, the same way you gave us a heads-up before not giving us a solo almost every week?
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, Mercedes and I talked it over, and we love being in Glee, but being in the Cheerios will give us more opportunities to shine. So we're doing both.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, chipper up, Tiger. You know, I was down at the pharmacy today, and they're having a monster sale on Dep. Dep is a hair gel. And once again, I am making fun of your incredibly stupid hairdo.



Finn Hudson: Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, 'cause it's okay to be a boy.
Artie Abrams: But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, 'cause you think that being a girl is degrading.
Kurt Hummel: But secretly you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you? What it feels like for a girl.
Finn Hudson: # Silky smooth #
# Lips as sweet as candy #
# Baby #
Noah & Finn: # Strong inside, but you don't know it #
# Good little girls, they never show it #
Artie Abrams: # When you open up your mouth to speak #
# Could you be a little weak? #
All: # Do you know #
Artie Abrams: # Do you know #
All: # What it feels like in this world #
Will Schuester: # For a girl? #
All: # For a girl? #
Will Schuester: # Oh #
All: # For a girl... #
# In this world... #
# Do you know #
# What it feels like in this world? #
Noah Puckerman: I am not down with this. I like being a dude.
Finn Hudson: That's because it's easy to be a dude.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue, I think we're gonna need a new baritone, 'cause Finn would like to become Finnessa.
Will Schuester: Wait, h-hold on, Puck. Finn has a point. I mean, haven't you notid how low morale has been around here lately?
Artie Abrams: I have. I think the way I was objectifying Tina may have sent her over the edge.



Artie Abrams: Hey, girl.
Tina Cohen-Chang: My eyes are up here! I am a person with feelings! Get out of my grill! I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality!



Finn Hudson: We've been treating the girls like crap— not caring about their feelings, not listening, objectifying. That's the right word, right, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: That's right.
Finn Hudson: Objectifying.
Kurt Hummel: As an honorary girl, I have to agree. This team shouldn't work, but it does because we respect each other's talent. And if we want to take it to the next level, we have to start respecting each other as individuals. Really see each other. Why were you singing with us, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Because apparently... I need to learn that lesson.
Noah Puckerman: Fine, but I'm not singing this song.
Finn Hudson: We don't have to. We just have to make it right with the girls, show them we get how it feels.



Artie Abrams: I would get down on one knee if I could.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why would you propose to me? You don't even like me.
Artie Abrams: Stop. That's where you're wrong. I was really rude to you. You're awesome. And you shouldn't change, unless you want to. And if you want to get up on this, just let me know.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yep. That's more like it.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Rachel Berry: If you're gonna criticize and mock me again about Jesse, you can can it.
Finn Hudson: I wanted to apologize. The only reason you were even open to dating Jesse was because I was such an ass. Mr. Tough Guy and all that. I really liked you. And I could have had you, but I blew it.
Rachel Berry: You really liked me?
Jesse St. James: Okay, Finn. I know we have a big showdown coming, so let's just decide on the arena. Sing-off, the parking lot, 5:00— be there.
Rachel Berry: No.
Finn Hudson: Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself. I'll do my best to stay away from your girl.
Jesse St. James: I appreciate that. She's a keeper.
Finn Hudson: Walk with me to the auditorium. I put together a new Madonna number; I'll talk you through it on the way.
Jesse St. James: Sweet.



Rachel Berry: # Life is a mystery #
# Everyone must stand alone, #
# I hear you call my name #
# And it feels like home... #
New Directions: # When you call my name, it's like a little prayer. #
# I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there. #
# In the midnight hour, I can feel your power, #
# Just like a prayer, you know I'll take you there. #
Finn Hudson: # I hear your voice #
# It's like an angel sighing. #
Kurt Hummel: # I have no choice, I hear your voice #
# Feels like flying. #
Mercedes Jones: # I close my eyes, #
# Oh God I think I'm falling #
# Out of the sky, I close my eyes, #
# Let the choir sing, #
# Oohhhhh #
New Directions: # When you call my name #
# It's like a little prayer #
# I'm down on my knees #
# I wanna take you there #
# In the midnight hour #
# I can feel your power, #
# Just like a prayer #
# You know I'll take you there. #
# Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there #
# Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery #
# Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there #
# Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery #
# Just like a dream, you are not what you seem #
# Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there. #


Sue Sylvester: "Madonna." Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful. Even in voice-over, how I have worshipped her ever since I was a little girl. Sorry, Angie Jolie, Catherine the Great... Madonna is the most powerful woman to ever walk the face of the Earth.



Sue Sylvester: I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's Greatest Hits over the P.A. System, quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.
Principal Figgins: But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with 35 bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupils to do the same. You say the word, and I willhprovide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately.
Principal Figgins: I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!
Sue Sylvester: What you call insanity I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna— the woman most responsible for my take-no-prisoners demeanor, and my subconscious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now, my Cheerio Squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?



Sue Sylvester: Smile.



Sue Sylvester: I have your wife's phone number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?



Sue Sylvester: Santana. What does your bracelet say?
Santana Lopez: "W.W.M.D".
Sue Sylvester: "What would Madonna do"? Well, the answer to that question is usually date a younger man. So, let's see some arm candy, girls. Sorry, freshmen. You're going to have to start trolling the middle schools. And you know why? 'Cause if you want to be as riveting a performer as Madonna— a skill that will nab us Nationals this year— you're going to have to start thinking like her, acting like her. Also... A la Madonna, I will no longer acknowledge that any of you have last names. Becky Jackson. From now on, you're just Becky. You know, it's like Madonna once said, "I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay." I'm pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester. No, really, she stole it from me. I said it first. Palladium. '87.



Rachel Berry: Can I ask you guys something private?
Santana Lopez: Yes, you should move to Israel.
Rachel Berry: It's about dating. Not that I'm dating anyone. We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item, and for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jesse. But let's just say I was dating someone. Let's just say, hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night, and then because my dads weren't home, we went up to my room and started making out. It was erotic and romantic. And then he said...



Jesse St. James: We should do it.
Rachel Berry: "It"?
Jesse St. James: Totally. Haven't you done it before?
Rachel Berry: No. Have you?
Jesse St. James: What do you think? It's no big deal.
Rachel Berry: For a girl, it is.



Rachel Berry: What if then he got really crabby and left, and didn't even take home the Care Bear I won him playing Skee Ball?
Quinn Fabray: Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby.
Rachel Berry: I just want to be ready; I know I'm getting older, and these things are going to happen someday, but how do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying "no"?
Santana Lopez: Just do what I do. Never say "no."
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, totally. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Sorry, Quinn.
Mercedes Jones: Look, girl, don't ask me. The last guy I liked was the mayor of gaytown. And I can't wait to get a guy mad at me for saying "no."
Tina Cohen-Chang: We just have to accept that guys don't care about our feelings. Like, the other day, I was walking with Artie...



Artie Abrams: I've thought a lot about it, and I forgive you for lying about your stutter. However, if you're planning on getting all up on this, I'm going to need you to make some changes. The goth thing was two years ago, so maybe lose the vampire makeup and consider some tighter-fitting clothing. You've got the pow, and I believe you should work it more if we're going to be an item.



Rachel Berry: That's got to sting.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help but overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?
Quinn Fabray: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy.
Will Schuester: Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Ms. Pillsbury.
Rachel Berry: I tried that.



Emma Pillsbury: Oh, um, that's a hot-button topic, isn't it? I mean, when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.
Rachel Berry: I have two gay dads.
Emma Pillsbury: Right, right— you, um... How about your rabbi?
Rachel Berry: I really don't feel comfortable talking about this with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren't you a guidance counselor?
Emma Pillsbury: Uh...



Quinn Fabray: The fact is is that women still earn 70 cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school.



Emma Pillsbury: I don't know what to say. I mean, I can't do this job if I don't have the kids' confidence.
Will Schuester: Now, I get that this area of interest is, uh, your blind spot, but I want to help you so that the next time a girl comes in here asking those kinds of questions, you'll be prepared. I'm not saying you need to have sex.
Emma Pillsbury: No! No, no, no. No, that's not what you were offering. Just... Why would you offer that? It wasn't what I was thinking. Wishful thinking is all that was.
Will Schuester: I mean, what this is all really about is teenage girls feeling like they have no power.
Emma Pillsbury: Right, and it makes sense, too. I mean, look at their role models, you know? You've got Britney Spears and her shaved head. Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of Lord of the Rings. Ann Coulter.
Will Schuester: Let's work together to try to find a way to make them feel more confident about themselves.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I like that. Yes, we will change the world one girl at a time. We'll be like a girl-saving team.
Will Schuester: And maybe along the way, we can find a way to help you, too.



Madonna: # Zephyr in the sky #
# At night I wonder #
# Do my tears of mourning #
# Sink beneath the sun? #
# She's got herself a universe gone quickly #
# For the call of thunder #
# Threatens everyone... #
# And I feel like I just got home, and I feel #
# And I feel like I just got home #
# And I feel... #
Sue Sylvester: Sloppy freak show babies! Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping! Hit the showers! Oh, hey, William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
Will Schuester: Wow, Sue. I'm really impressed.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, Madonna is legend. And I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer: strength, independence... Nobody quite like the Material Girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hairdresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.
Will Schuester: I'll see you later, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard?! I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! That's hard!



Will Schuester: What comes to mind when you see that name?
Rachel Berry: Genius.
Kurt Hummel: Icon.
Noah Puckerman: Hall of Fame MILF.
Will Schuester: So, we're all aware of Madonna's musical and cultural significance, which is why this week, your assignment is to come up with a Madonna number.
Mercedes Jones: Yes!
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes!
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue? As a dude, Madonna makes me kind of uncomfortable.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, she's smokin' and everything, but can't some of us do something else? Like the guy version of Madonna? Like, you know, Pantera?
Will Schuester: Guys! You know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and I hate to say it, misogynistic.
Finn Hudson: I have no idea what that means.
Brittany S. Pierce: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.
Will Schuester: What it means is, put yourself in their shoes for a change. Culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends her music, because by and large, the subtext of her songs are about being strong, independent and-and confident, no matter what your sex. But more than anything, Madonna's musical message is about equality. And that is something I ink you guys need to work on.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, I don't think we can have an honest conversation about Ms. Ciccone without acknowledging that her images are as indelible as her songs. I would like to honor her contributions by tackling a multi-media project with Mercedes.
Will Schuester: Great. Go for it, Kurt.
Noah Puckerman: I'm still not down. And no chick intimidates Puckzilla. I just don't think her music translates to show choir.
Rachel Berry: Really? Well I, for one, couldn't disagree more.
# Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it, and it goes something like this. #
Girls of ND: # Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know, you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you know your love is real #
Rachel Berry: # You don't need diamond rings #
# Or 18-karat gold #
Quinn Fabray: # Fancy cars that go very fast, you know #
# They never last, no, no #
Mercedes Jones: # What you need is a big, strong hand #
# To lift you to your higher ground #
# Make you feel like a queen on a throne #
# Make him love you till you can't come down #
Girls of ND: # Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know, you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you'll know your love is real #
# And when you're gone, he might regret it #
# Think about the love you once had #
# Try to carry on #
# But he just won't get it #
# Hey... #
# He'll be back on his knees, so please #
# Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you'll know your love is real #
# Let him know your love is real #
# You've got to make him express himself #
# Hey, hey, hey, hey #
Mercedes Jones: # Put your love to the test #
Girls of ND: # So if you want it right now #
# Make him show you how #
Mercedes Jones: # Make him show how he feels #
Girls of ND: # Express what he's got #
# Oh, baby, ready or not #
# Express yourself. #
Will Schuester: That's what I'm talking about. All right.



Santana Lopez: I look smokin' hot.
Brittany S. Pierce: Guess who I'm dating.
Santana Lopez: Who?
Brittany S. Pierce: Wes Brody. He's super cute. He plays soccer with my sister. He's seven.
Santana Lopez: Oh! Crap. I need a younger, inferior man. If I don't find one, Coach Sylvester will kick me off the Cheerios, for sure.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hello? Finn! His birthday's like three days before yours, and he's super dumb.
Santana Lopez: We already tried with Finn, and he hates us.
Brittany S. Pierce: Trust me, the way to get a man to follow you forever... Take his virginity. Madonna, like, wrote a song about it.
Madonna: # You're not convinced that that is enough... #
Santana Lopez: Hey, Finnocence. You know, I've been thinking, and I think we should go out. Just you and me this time, no third wheel.
Finn Hudson: Will you talk to me this time?
Santana Lopez: I don't really talk during. Look, Finn, It's high time you lost the big V. Everything about you screams virgin. You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you.
Finn Hudson: Well, look, I appreciate the offer, but I have feelings for someone else, and I'm trying to work things out with them. So...
Santana Lopez: Who, Rachel? She's dating that Jesse kid from Vocal Adrenaline.
Finn Hudson: No, she's not.
Santana Lopez: Please, you can smell it on her. She's like a cat in heat. She talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choir room. So come on, let's do the deed. It'll be great for my image, and Sue will promote me to head cheerleader. It's win-win.
Finn Hudson: Wait, what... What do I get out of it?
Santana Lopez: I don't know. You get to have sex and make Rachel jealous. I meant for me, okay? It's win-win for me.



Sue Sylvester: You wanted to see me?
Emma Pillsbury: Sue! Um, yeah, thank you for coming. Please sit down.
Sue Sylvester: No.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Um, I was just wondering why Madonna's playing everywhere except my office.
Sue Sylvester: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your, uh, intercom disconnected.



Rachel Berry: There you go. Finn, I was just coming to find you. Look, I know that the boys were a little uncomfortable about this Madonna assignment, so I figured you and I as co-captains could do a little mash-up of a bunch of her songs just to show everyone how cool it can be.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?
Rachel Berry: No, no. Who-who told you that?
Finn Hudson: Look, I know things have been weird between us, but I never thought you'd lie to me.
Rachel Berry: Look, please just don't tell anyone.
Finn Hudson: Unbelievable.
Rachel Berry: We may not be together the way that Jesse and I are, but we can still be friends. I-I'm asking you as my friend to trust me.
Finn Hudson: Fine... But if this leads to something bad for all of us, don't expect any more friendship from me.
Rachel Berry: Noted. All right, let's rehearse, then.
# Something in the way you love me won't let me be #
# I don't wanna be your prisoner #
# So baby, won't you set me free? #
# Stop playing with my heart #
# Finish what you start #
# When you make my love come down #
# If you want me, let me know #
# Baby, let it show #
# Honey, don't you fool around #
Finn Hudson: # Don't try to resist me #
# Open your heart to me, baby #
# I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
Finn & Rachel: # Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #
Rachel Berry: # Something in your eyes is making such a fool of me #
Finn Hudson: # You're making me, you're making such a fool of me #
Finn & Rachel: # I see you on the street and you walk on by #
Finn Hudson: # You're on the street, I see you when you're walking by #
Rachel Berry: # When you hold me in your arms #
Finn & Rachel: # You love me till I just can't see #
Finn Hudson: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
Finn & Rachel: # So you choose to look the other way #
# Well, I've got something to say #
# Open your heart to me, baby #
# I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
# Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #
Finn Hudson: # Open your heart, I'll make you love me #
Finn & Rachel: # I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
# Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #
# Open your heart with the key. #
Rachel Berry: Th-That was good.
Finn Hudson: Totally.



Kurt Hummel: I'm going to Kabbalah. Is that too much?
Will Schuester: Hey, guys, how's this week's assignment coming along?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, amazing. You know how Madonna kind of reinvented the video, right?
Will Schuester: Right.
Mercedes Jones: Well, we got Artie and the A/V Club to help out. We're gonna make a Madonna video of our own.
Kurt Hummel: It's going to be "Madge-ical." Madge— you know, Madonna's nickname? Okay, you really got to get up to speed here.
Will Schuester: I got it.
Sue Sylvester: Schuester! I heard a juicy little rumor that your Up With People rejects were doing some Madonna songs. Is that true?
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, to be honest, Sue, I got inspired watching your Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I have been waiting years to pay tribute to her, and you are not swooping in at the last minute to snatch her from my talons. Madonna belongs to me, and I will not be copied. It's in my contract. I want you to listen very closely. You can have your Barbras and your Chers and your Christinas... And wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.
Will Schuester: Okay, first of all, my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain, and there's nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working out for you? Oh...
Madonna: # And you should know I suffer the same... #
Will Schuester: Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your Flowbee. Oh, snap!
Madonna: # Love is a bird #
# She needs to fly #
# Let all the hurt inside of you die #
# You're frozen #
# When your heart's not open... #
Sue Sylvester: Who else wants a piece of this, huh?!
Madonna: # Mm... Hmm, hmm #
# Give yourself to me #
# Mm... . Hmm, hmm #
Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so, that offer of yours uh, to lose... The big V... I'm in.
Madonna: # If I could melt your heart... #



Kurt Hummel: Ms. Sylvester, we'd like a word.
Mercedes Jones: We saw how upset you got today.
Sue Sylvester: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kurt Hummel: We saw your face after Mr. Schuester insulted your hair.
Sue Sylvester: Close the door. Sit down. You know, kids, I grew up with a handi-capable sister. My parents were famous Nazi hunters, so they weren't around a lot. I had to bring her up on my own. I didn't have a lot of time or money to keep up with all the latest looks. But on my sixth birthday, True Blue was released. An album that would later sell over 30 million copies. My sister and I took it upon ourselves to bleach my hair with whatever chemicals we could find around the house. Ammonia, napalm. My hair was so damaged, I've been forced to wear it short ever since. It's been a daily, ongoing pain.
Mercedes Jones: Wait, that would make you, like, 30.
Sue Sylvester: 29. And here's the truth— I mercilessly pick on Will Schuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I'm jealous. There, I said it.
Kurt Hummel: I think we can help. Mercedes is black; I'm gay. We make culture.
Sue Sylvester: Go on.
Kurt Hummel: We're working on an exciting new project and would like to use the Cheerios.
Mercedes Jones: And we can help you find a new look.
Sue Sylvester: Interesting.


# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do #
# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do #
# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do #
# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do! #


Rachel Berry: Sondheim on Music. Jesse, is that you?
Jesse St. James: I'm so glad you came. I picked the Stephen Sondheim biography section for our clandestine meeting place, because only he would be able to express my melancholia. I feel bad about what happened at your house. Do you still have my Care Bear?
Rachel Berry: Yes. Since we're meeting in the shadows, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Jesse St. James: Me first. I was out of line the other night. You deserve more than that. You deserve romance— no, you deserve epic romance. I feel badly that I pressured you into... You know, going all the way. I'm willing to wait. You tell me when you're ready. And I'll make sure that I'm fastidiously groomed. What did you want to tell me?
Rachel Berry: I'm ready.



Will Schuester: Hey, that catch was amazing Tuesday.
Emma Pillsbury: Will!
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, wait up.
Will Schuester: All right. How's it going?
Emma Pillsbury: Good. Um... Okay, I've realized something, something really important. You know when we were talking about Madonna the other day and how her music was being blasted like an intimidating cluster bomb into everybody's office except for mine because, apparently, I lack a shred of sex appeal? Well, it struck me that the Big Mo is always in control of everything. Her life is her own.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Emma Pillsbury: So I need to take control of myself and my body, just like Madonna. Which is why... I'm planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place. Foreplay shall begin at 7:30 sharp. So, what do you think? Not that it matters.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.
Emma Pillsbury: Great.
Will Schuester: Great.
Emma Pillsbury: 7:30.
Will Schuester: Cool.



Artie Abrams: "Vogue," take one. Sound speed... And action. And playback.
Sue Sylvester: # Strike a pose. #
# Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache #
# It's everywhere that you go #
# Go, go, go, go #
# You try everything you can to escape #
# The pain of life that you know #
# The life that you know #
# When all else fails and you long to be #
# Something better than you are today #
# I know a place where you can get away #
# It's called a dance floor, and here's what it's for #
# So come on, vogue #
# Let your body move to the music #
# Move to the music #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Come on, vogue #
# Let your body go with the flow #
# Go with the flow #
# You know you can do it #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Not just where you bump and grind it #
# Soul is in the musical #
# That's where I feel so beautiful #
# Magical #
# Life's a ball #
# So get up on the dance floor #
# Come on, vogue #
# Vogue #
# Let your body move to the music #
# Move to the music #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Come on, vogue #
# Vogue #
# Let your body go with the flow #
# Go with the flow #
# You know you can do it #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Move to the music #
# Vogue #
# Vogue #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Go with the flow #
# Greta Garbo and Monroe #
# Dietrich and DiMaggio #
# Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean #
# On the cover of a magazine #
# Grace Kelly, Harlow, Jean #
# Picture of a beauty queen #
# Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire #
# Sue Sylvester dance on air #
# They had style, they had grace #
# Rita Hayworth gave good face #
# Lauren, Katherine, Lana, too #
# Will Schuester, I hate you #
# Ladies with an attitude #
# Fellas that were in the mood #
# Don't just stand there, let's get to it #
# Strike a pose, there's nothing to it #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Ooh... #
# You've got to let your body move to the music #
# Ooh... #
# You've got to just... #
# Vogue... #



Jesse St. James: Are you ready?
Finn Hudson: In a minute.
Rachel Berry: # I made it through the wilderness #
# Somehow I made it through #
Rachel & Jesse: # I didn't know how lost I was #
# Until I found you #
Emma & Will: # I was beat, incomplete #
# I'd been had #
# I was sad and blue #
Rachel & Jesse: # But you made me feel #
# Yeah, you made me feel shiny and new #
# Like a virgin #
# Touched for the very first time #
All: # Like a virgin #
# When your heart beats next to mine #
Rachel Berry: # Gonna give you all my love, boy #
# My fear is fading fast #
Rachel & Jesse: # I'd been saving it all for you #
# 'Cause only love can last #
Emma & Will: # You're so fine #
# And you're mine #
# Make me strong #
# Yeah, you make me bold #
Rachel & Jesse: # Oh, your love thawed out #
# Yeah, your love thawed out #
# What was getting cold #
All: # Like a virgin #
Santana Lopez: # You make me feel like a virgin #
All: # Touched for the very first time #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #
All: # Like a vir-ir-irgin #
# When your heart beats next to mine #
# Like a virgin #
# Oh-oh-oh, like a virgin #
# Yeah, it feels so good inside #
Jesse St. James: # When you hold me #
Emma Pillsbury: # When you hold me #
Jesse St. James: # When your heart beats #
Finn Hudson: # When your heart beats #
Jesse St. James: # When you love me #
Santana Lopez: # When you love me, baby #
Finn & Rachel: # Oh-oh #
# Whoa #
All: # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah #
Rachel & Jesse: # Oh-oh... Yeah #
All: # Oh, like a virgin. #
Jesse St. James: Rachel?
Rachel Berry: I'm ready.



Kurt Hummel: Our project was a triumph.
Mercedes Jones: I know. I wonder which look she's gonna rock.
Kurt Hummel: Doesn't matter. They were all fantastic. Oh, dear.
Mercedes Jones: Miss Sylvester.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, hey, there, Whoopi, Don Knotts.
Mercedes Jones: What happened?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll tell you what. All those costumes and the hairstyles, I'm gonna leave constant reinvention to Madonna. Know why? Had a revelation.



Sue Sylvester: Here's a list of the kids I want shipped off to New York with 35 bucks in their pocket. Operation Madonna is now complete.
Principal Figgins: Sue, these are all Glee kids.
Sue Sylvester: Yep.
Principal Figgins: Um... I-I'm sorry, Sue. I'm having trouble concentrating. Your new look is...
Sue Sylvester: Fantastic. Yeah, I agree.
Principal Figgins: Unnecessary. Sue, you're a powerful woman. You don't need to copy anyone else. You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.
Sue Sylvester: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?



Sue Sylvester: See, kids, Sue Sylvester realized she didn't need to reinvent herself. She needs to reinvent everybody else, starting with you two.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Rachel Berry: Hi.
Finn Hudson: So how'd your date with Jesse go Friday night?
Rachel Berry: It went wonderfully. Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, you know, it-it was great. But when it was over, I just, uh, you know, didn't know why I was so nervous in the first place.



Jesse St. James: Just come out so we can talk... Or sing about it.
Rachel Berry: Look, Jesse, I really like you, but... I can't do it. It wouldn't be right for... The team.
Jesse St. James: What does the team have to do with this?
Rachel Berry: If I give myself to you knowing that my teammates wouldn't approve, it would be like I was sleeping with the enemy. I'd be betraying them. And because I'm truly not ready to do this, I'd be betraying myself.



Finn Hudson: I'm happy for you.
Rachel Berry: And, uh, what about you? I heard that you had a date with Santana on Friday night.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I-I couldn't go through with it.
Rachel Berry: Why?
Finn Hudson: I guess I'm just waiting for the right person.



Santana Lopez: Do you think they have room service in this place? 'Cause I want a burger.
Finn Hudson: I thought I'd feel different after.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, I've noticed that it takes about 20 or so times before the feeling of accomplishment really kicks in. There's no menu, so you're gonna have to take me to a burger joint. How do you feel?
Finn Hudson: I don't feel anything... 'cause it didn't mean anything.



Will Schuester: Where have you been? I've been calling you all weekend.
Emma Pillsbury: I was kind of embarrassed. I really wanted to go through with it, Will. You were so gracious and gentle and... Handsome, and it felt so good to be close to you in that way. I just, I don't know why I always freak out like that.
Will Schuester: Stop, stop-stop-stop. You don't need to sleep with me to prove anything. You took ownership of your body on Friday when you told yourself you weren't ready... And then ran out of my apartment with no shoes on.
Emma Pillsbury: They're my favorites. Did you bring them?
Will Schuester: I feel bad, Emma. I've been working so hard trying to get the guys to start treating the girls with more respect, and I haven't been walking the walk. I never should have agreed to have you come over that night.
Emma Pillsbury: I did kind of throw myself at you.
Will Schuester: That is the point. We're falling into a pattern here. We need to instate an official no-dating policy until my divorce is final.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, when will that be?
Will Schuester: I filed today. So that's a start. But while we're waiting, I want you to get some help for your problems; we need to take action here. They're not gonna go away unless we do. Now, our health union covers counseling. They'll come to the school, meet you in your office, whatever you need. And... I polished them myself.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.
Jesse St. James: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yes?
Jesse St. James: I'm Jesse St. James. Can I talk to you about something?



Finn Hudson: What the hell?! It seems like now everybody's doing things just to hurt my feelings.
Jesse St. James: I thought you all would take this news a little better. I'm a star. You can learn from me.
Kurt Hummel: We were already fighting for second leads. And now that you've shown up, I've lost all hope at ever getting a solo.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, that's right. And y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?
Santana Lopez: He's a spy, Mr. Schue. I would know.
Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I saw all the paperwork, I spoke with his parents...
Jesse St. James: They winter in Bali. It's a very expensive phone call.
Will Schuester: Jesse just moved in with his uncle, which is in our school district. It's all above board, guys. He goes to this school now.
Artie Abrams: But this isn't fair.
Will Schuester: Guys! Everyone who's ever auditioned for this group has gotten in. That's how we do things here. Okay, to suddenly change the rules now, that would be unfair. Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue, is he your son?
Rachel Berry: I don't understand why you're doing this.
Jesse St. James: Because when you love something, you got to go for it. You would never be with me completely if I were on the opposing team. And I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline. For you.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, we have got a lot of work to do. Jesse, great to have you here. Welcome aboard. Okay, from the top.



Sue Sylvester: Five, six, seven, eight!
Mercedes Jones: # Hey #
# Unh, come on #
# Kurt Hummel, take it #
Kurt Hummel: # Come on, girl #
# I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll #
# Unh #
Mercedes Jones: # Well, don't waste time, give me the sign #
# Tell me how you want to roll #
Kurt Hummel: # I want somebody to speed it up for me #
# Then take it down slow #
# There's enough room for both #
Mercedes Jones: # Well, I can handle that #
# You just got to show me where it's at #
# Are you ready to go? Are you ready to go-o-o-o? #
Kurt & Mercedes: # If you want it #
# You already got it #
# If you've thought it, it better be what you want #
Kurt Hummel: # Time is waiting #
Mercedes Jones: # We only got four minutes to save the world #
Kurt Hummel: # No hesitating #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
# Grab a boy and grab a girl #
Kurt Hummel: # Time is waiting #
Mercedes Jones: # We only got four minutes to save the world #
Kurt Hummel: # No hesitating #
Kurt & Mercedes: # We only got four minutes, four minutes #
Mercedes Jones: # Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna, unh #
Kurt & Mercedes: # You gotta get 'em all hot #
# Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock #
Mercedes Jones: # That's right, keep it up, keep it up #
# Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna, unh #
Kurt & Mercedes: # You gotta get 'em all hot #
# Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. #
Will Schuester: Sue, what the hell is going on here?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, what's the matter, buddy? Did you miss the show? You probably had to run to the powder room. Let me fill you in. Future center square Kurt Hummel there and his brassy hag Mercedes just tore that Madonna song a new one.
Will Schuester: Wait, you two are Cheerios now?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, I've decided to add vocals to my already wildly overproduced Cheerios numbers. It'll give us the edge at Nationals.
Will Schuester: You guys could've at least given me the heads-up.
Mercedes Jones: You mean, the same way you gave us a heads-up before not giving us a solo almost every week?
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, Mercedes and I talked it over, and we love being in Glee, but being in the Cheerios will give us more opportunities to shine. So we're doing both.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, chipper up, Tiger. You know, I was down at the pharmacy today, and they're having a monster sale on Dep. Dep is a hair gel. And once again, I am making fun of your incredibly stupid hairdo.



Finn Hudson: Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, 'cause it's okay to be a boy.
Artie Abrams: But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, 'cause you think that being a girl is degrading.
Kurt Hummel: But secretly you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you? What it feels like for a girl.
Finn Hudson: # Silky smooth #
# Lips as sweet as candy #
# Baby #
Noah & Finn: # Strong inside, but you don't know it #
# Good little girls, they never show it #
Artie Abrams: # When you open up your mouth to speak #
# Could you be a little weak? #
All: # Do you know #
Artie Abrams: # Do you know #
All: # What it feels like in this world #
Will Schuester: # For a girl? #
All: # For a girl? #
Will Schuester: # Oh #
All: # For a girl... #
# In this world... #
# Do you know #
# What it feels like in this world? #
Noah Puckerman: I am not down with this. I like being a dude.
Finn Hudson: That's because it's easy to be a dude.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue, I think we're gonna need a new baritone, 'cause Finn would like to become Finnessa.
Will Schuester: Wait, h-hold on, Puck. Finn has a point. I mean, haven't you notid how low morale has been around here lately?
Artie Abrams: I have. I think the way I was objectifying Tina may have sent her over the edge.



Artie Abrams: Hey, girl.
Tina Cohen-Chang: My eyes are up here! I am a person with feelings! Get out of my grill! I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality!



Finn Hudson: We've been treating the girls like crap— not caring about their feelings, not listening, objectifying. That's the right word, right, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: That's right.
Finn Hudson: Objectifying.
Kurt Hummel: As an honorary girl, I have to agree. This team shouldn't work, but it does because we respect each other's talent. And if we want to take it to the next level, we have to start respecting each other as individuals. Really see each other. Why were you singing with us, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Because apparently... I need to learn that lesson.
Noah Puckerman: Fine, but I'm not singing this song.
Finn Hudson: We don't have to. We just have to make it right with the girls, show them we get how it feels.



Artie Abrams: I would get down on one knee if I could.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why would you propose to me? You don't even like me.
Artie Abrams: Stop. That's where you're wrong. I was really rude to you. You're awesome. And you shouldn't change, unless you want to. And if you want to get up on this, just let me know.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yep. That's more like it.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Rachel Berry: If you're gonna criticize and mock me again about Jesse, you can can it.
Finn Hudson: I wanted to apologize. The only reason you were even open to dating Jesse was because I was such an ass. Mr. Tough Guy and all that. I really liked you. And I could have had you, but I blew it.
Rachel Berry: You really liked me?
Jesse St. James: Okay, Finn. I know we have a big showdown coming, so let's just decide on the arena. Sing-off, the parking lot, 5:00— be there.
Rachel Berry: No.
Finn Hudson: Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself. I'll do my best to stay away from your girl.
Jesse St. James: I appreciate that. She's a keeper.
Finn Hudson: Walk with me to the auditorium. I put together a new Madonna number; I'll talk you through it on the way.
Jesse St. James: Sweet.



Rachel Berry: # Life is a mystery #
# Everyone must stand alone, #
# I hear you call my name #
# And it feels like home... #
New Directions: # When you call my name, it's like a little prayer. #
# I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there. #
# In the midnight hour, I can feel your power, #
# Just like a prayer, you know I'll take you there. #
Finn Hudson: # I hear your voice #
# It's like an angel sighing. #
Kurt Hummel: # I have no choice, I hear your voice #
# Feels like flying. #
Mercedes Jones: # I close my eyes, #
# Oh God I think I'm falling #
# Out of the sky, I close my eyes, #
# Let the choir sing, #
# Oohhhhh #
New Directions: # When you call my name #
# It's like a little prayer #
# I'm down on my knees #
# I wanna take you there #
# In the midnight hour #
# I can feel your power, #
# Just like a prayer #
# You know I'll take you there. #
# Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there #
# Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery #
# Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there #
# Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery #
# Just like a dream, you are not what you seem #
# Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there. #
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116. Home

放送日:2010年4月27日


Ian Brennan: So here's what's hapn Finn got Kurt to try out for the football team, which was super cool, but sometimes it seems like maybe Kurt's sort of got a crush on him.
Kurt Hummel: It's enough to want to give up women all together.
Ian Brennan: Will's old crush, April, joined the Glee Club, but she was drunk all the time, so Will kicked her out. Also, Sue convinced Kurt and Mercedes that they should join the Cheerios!, which Will was none too happy about. And that's what you missed on... Glee!



Sue Sylvester: Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma. Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do. At first, I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly, but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment.
Mercedes Jones: Ms. Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios! Skirts. They don't fit me right.
Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body.
Mercedes Jones: Embarrassed? No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.
Sue Sylvester: How do you two not have a show on Bravo? Here's the skinny: Splitts! magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me #Cheerleading Coach of the Last Two Thousand Years.# In seven days, reporter Tracey Pendergrass will arrive on campus, and my new star singer will have lost ten pounds, and be in a gende r-appropriate cheerleading uniform, or she is off the team.
Kurt Hummel: Ten pounds? Are you serious?
Sue Sylvester: You could stand to lose a few, too, kiddo. You got hips like a pear. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State, notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am.



Will Schuester: Sue! We need to talk. The auditorium is padlocked!
Sue Sylvester: Well, that's curious. Did you check the sign-up sheet?
Will Schuester: What sign-up sheet?
Sue Sylvester: Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William. Let's see. Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid. Got a big magazine feature coming up. It's a little chilly for my girls to be practicing outdoors.
Will Schuester: Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.



Will Schuester: Um, all right, I have one final announcement before we all leave. We can't use the auditorium for the next week.
Finn Hudson: But that's garbage. How are we supposed to practice for Regionals without the auditorium?
Will Schuester: The Cheerios need it to practice in. There's nothing I can do.
Rachel Berry: I recommend a sit-in.
Noah Puckerman: I recommend we torch the place.
Will Schuester: No. Look, we've all faced adversity before, and we've come out stronger on the other end. I'm going to check out a few of f-site locations for us to use, just for the week. I promise I'll find us a new home.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Finn, I wanted your opinion on this. It's a swatch board. I'm redecorating my bedroom. Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air. I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part.
Finn Hudson: I live in a closet. There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.
Kurt Hummel: Oh...
Finn Hudson: But I guess that one's nice.
Kurt Hummel: Toile? I always pegged you as a chinoiserie type.



Kurt Hummel: Mercedes...
Mercedes Jones: This is healthy! Chicken breast and a salad, dressing on the side.
Kurt Hummel: You have a week to lose ten pounds. That's like having to lose one of my butt cheeks. Look at what I'm eating— peeled celery. And for breakfast, I had Splenda. Look, Mercedes, now that we're cheerleaders, we're finally part of the in crowd. We have a place at the table. We don't have to beg undneath for scraps of attention. Don't screw it up.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, guys. Can I ask you something? How do you manage to stay so skinny?
Santana Lopez: The Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse.



Sue Sylvester: Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid, cayenne pepper to irritate the bowels, and a dash of ipecac, a vomiting agent. I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.



Brittany S. Pierce: Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.
Mercedes Jones: That can't be healthy.
Santana Lopez: Who cares? You can either feel terrible and look great, or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here.



Carole Hudson: Why are you so upset? It's not your bed.
Finn Hudson: Don't you have any feelings about it? It's your and dad's honeymoon set. I was conceived in that bed.
Carole Hudson: You were conceived on a pinball machine.
Man: Well... I think that's everything. You mentioned something about the recliner?
Carole Hudson: Oh, yeah. It doesn't look like much, but the parts all work.
Man: Ooh, my wife would love this. Sciatica.
Finn Hudson: Mom, no! It's not for sale. This is Dad's chair. This is the only picture of the two of us. It's the only picture there will ever be of the two of us, and he's sitting in this chair.
Carole Hudson: It's a chair, honey. It's not him.
Finn Hudson: What's going on with you? You're selling all our old stuff, you got new clothes, a new haircut...
Carole Hudson: I'm seeing someone, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Um...
Carole Hudson: I think I'm in love.
Finn Hudson: Who is it? Uh, do I know him?
Carole Hudson: It's your friend Kurt's father— Burt Hummel.



Will Schuester: Hey. I'd like to talk to someone about renting out this space.
April Rhodes: Okay, fellas, grab a gal, or... Grab another fella if that's the way the Good Lord made ya! 'Cause it's a couples skate!
Will Schuester: No way.
April Rhodes: Well, as I live and breathe! Will Schuester?! I just had a sex dream about you! Aw, isn't he smokin'?
Will Schuester: April. April, please stop speaking into the mic.
April Rhodes: Wait... I smell something.
Will Schuester: What?
April Rhodes: I smell a duet coming on! Fire! Springsteen! Hit it!
Will Schuester: April, what is going on here? You own this place?
April Rhodes: # I'm ridin' in your car #
# You turn on the radio #
# You're pullin' me close #
# I just say no #
# I say I don't like it #
# But you know I'm a liar #
April & Will: # 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh... Fire #
Will Schuester: # Late at night #
# Ooh #
April & Will: # You're takin' me home #
# You say you wanna stay #
April Rhodes: # I wanna stay #
Will Schuester: # I say #
April & Will: # I wanna be alone #
# I say I don't love you #
# But you know I'm a liar #
# 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh, fire #
# Romeo and Juliet #
# Samson and Delilah #
Will Schuester: # Oh, baby, you can bet #
# A love they couldn't deny #
April Rhodes: # My words, they say split #
Will Schuester: # Yeah #
April Rhodes: # But my words may lie #
Will Schuester: # May lie #
April & Will: # 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh, fire. #



Will Schuester: April, what happened? I mean, last time I saw you, you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.
April Rhodes: I know. It's crazy, right? I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life, I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down. Then I hung out at that bar for a few months or so. One day, an old codger, about 75, 80, came in, and asked to buy me a drink. Get this. Buddy Leibowitz.
Will Schuester: Of Leibowitz Strip Malls?
April Rhodes: I'm his new mistress.
Will Schuester: April, I really thought you were serious about getting sober.
April Rhodes: No. Don't look so disappointed, Will. I mean, who are we kidding really? I'm nothing but a washed-up dreamer. It's all I'll ever be. Besides, I've finally realized my lifelong ambition of being a mistress to an incredibly wealthy strip mall tycoon and the owner-operator of a cabaret roller rink.
Will Schuester: Um, listen, about that— well, the Glee Club kind of needs some rehearsal space. Sue's commandeered the auditorium.
April Rhodes: Are you kidding? Bring 'em here.
Will Schuester: Really?
April Rhodes: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Oh, that would be amazing! And I promise, it's only temporary. Oh, you're the best. Listen, uh, I got to run. I've got an appointment to show my apartment.
April Rhodes: What's this, now?
Will Schuester: Yeah, so I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live. Uh... Because I'm... I'm getting a divorce.
April Rhodes: Divorce?! So you're free to date? And by date, I mean sleep with people. And by sleep with, I mean have sex with people. People like me. Kidding. Not really. But listen to this. You're looking for a subletter. I'm looking for a place to stay. One catch. I'm full-time fancy now, Will. I'm gonna want to check the place out. I'm gonna wanna check the #fungshwung, # or the #fing-fong, # or whatever they call it. Tell you what. I'm gonna go get myself a bikini wax, and I'm gonna see you tomorrow.



Becky Jackson: I lost two pounds, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully. Instead of being different and an outcast, you're just like every other teenage girl in America— sadly obsessed with vanity. Hey, before you know it, you'll be leaving little baggies of upchuck in your parents' linen closet. Congrats. I'm proud of you, kid.
Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: You betcha. Next! Hey, you're still in your track uniform.
Mercedes Jones: Yup, and I'm ready for my midweek weigh-in. I've been eating very well, and walking everywhere, and...
Sue Sylvester: Okay, well, climb aboard. Let's see how many libbies you lost. Well, look at that, Mercedes. You've gained two pounds.
Mercedes Jones: What?! That's impossible!
Sue Sylvester: Look, I'm gonna break it down for you. You have four days to lose the weight, get yourself in a uniform, or you're out.
Mercedes Jones: What am I gonna do?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you might try dropping the attitude. I'm sure there's a pound or two in that. You know, with the Cheerios!, we have only one lesson, and it's very simple lesson: You do whatever it takes. Next.



Finn Hudson: Kurt, hey! What-What the hell's going on with our parents? How did this happen? When did they even meet each other?
Kurt Hummel: Parent-Teacher conference night, about a month ago.



Kurt Hummel: I always accompany my father to those conferences, to act as translator.
Burt Hummel: How do you know this is not organic?
Kurt Hummel: Because you can see the logo. It's encrusted in the cookie. Fate brought them together. Dad, meet Carole Hudson. Ms. Hudson, my father— Burt Hummel. You both have dead spouses, maybe you should talk.
Burt Hummel: You know, I was just saying to a friend that acid wash should make a comeback.
Carole Hudson: Mmm. Really. And who said it ever left?
Kurt Hummel: It was an instant connection.



Finn Hudson: That's impossible.
Kurt Hummel: When will you learn that nothing is impossible when it comes to love? Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes, new makeup, a haircut that doesn't look like it was styled by the Amish? Who do you think Pretty Woman'ed her up? Has she started selling the furniture yet?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, she just got rid of her old bedroom set. And she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her. How did you even know that?
Kurt Hummel: People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom. They know what they want. I guess you and I will be roommates with Mom and Dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms.
Finn Hudson: No way.
Kurt Hummel: Give in to the inevitable, Finn. I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together. That's why I asked you about the swatches. And don't sweat that old chair. I have a lovely chaise picked out.
Finn Hudson: Look-Look, screw yo u-your swatches and you-your chez.
Kurt Hummel: Chaise.
Finn Hudson: Whatever, okay. Look, I-I like my house. I'm not moving, and she's not selling that... That damn chair.



Tina Cohen-Chang: A roller rink?!
Santana Lopez: Weren't those outlawed in, like, 1981, for being totally lame?
Will Schuester: Oh, come on, guys, where's your sense of adventure? The space is great and April is giving it to us to practice in for free.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may? New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction. Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z. And Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair. What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how, if we find that place within, we will get that happy ending. Brad, B flat.
# A chair is still a chair #
# Even when there's no one sitting there #
# But a chair #
# Is not a house #
# And a house is not a home #
# When there's no one there #
# To hold you tight #
# And no one there #
# You... can... #
# Kiss... Good... night #
# A room is still a room #
# Even when there's nothing there but gloom #
# But a room is not a house #
# And a house is not a home #
# When the two of us #
# Are far apart #
# And one of us has a broken heart #
Finn Hudson: # Now and then I call your name #
# And suddenly your face appears #
# But it's just a crazy game #
# And when it ends #
# It ends in tears #
Kurt Hummel: # So, darling, have a heart #
# Don't let one mistake keep us apart #
# Well, I'm not meant to live alone #
# Turn this house into a home #
# When I climb the stair and turn the key #
# Oh, please be there #
# Still in love... #
# With me. #



April Rhodes: Hiya, hot stuff.
Will Schuester: Hey, April. Um... come in. What's with the... What's with the duffel bag?
April Rhodes: Can't have an overnighter without an overnight bag.
Will Schuester: Overnight?
April Rhodes: Baby, I'm an artist— I don't go by brains, I go by feel. I need to settle in to the energy of the place, get to know the ghosts.
Will Schuester: Won't Buddy miss you?
April Rhodes: Oh, he's out of town. Something about buying a new kidney or lung.
Will Schuester: Look, April, I'm really not comfortable with any of this.
April Rhodes: I'm not looking for a hookup, Will. I just sleep better with someone inside the house. I guess I've been just feeling a little lonely, you know?
Will Schuester: Yeah. I know.
April Rhodes: Just one night? Oh, look, do you want to sublet this place quick or not?
Will Schuester: Okay, fine, but you get the couch. And no funny business. Um... Bathroom is right around the corner.
April Rhodes: Sometimes you just need a little Burt.
Will Schuester: Take whatever you want from the refrigerator. April. The liquor cabinet is off-limits.
April Rhodes: Oh, no worries— brought my own.
Will Schuester: Good night, April.
April Rhodes: G'night, Will.
# One less bell to answer #
# One less egg to fry #
# One less man #
# To pick up after #
# I should be happy #
# But all I do is cry #
Will Schuester: # Cry, cry #
# No more laughter #
April Rhodes: # Oh, I should be happy #
Will Schuester: # Oh, why did she go... ? #
April Rhodes: # I only know that since he left #
# My life's so empty #
Will Schuester: # Oh #
April Rhodes: # Though I try to forget #
# It just can't be done #
# Each time the doorbell rings, I still run #
April & Will: # I don't know how in the world #
April Rhodes: # To stop thinking of him #
Will Schuester: # I should be happy #
April Rhodes: # 'Cause I still love him so #
# I end each day the way I start out #
Will Schuester: # I start and end #
April Rhodes: # Crying my heart out #
Will Schuester: # Each day crying #
# One less bell to answer #
April Rhodes: # One less egg to fry #
# One less man #
Will Schuester: # One less man #
April Rhodes: # To pick up after #
# No more laughter #
Will Schuester: # No more #
April & Will: # No more love... #
April Rhodes: # Since he went away #
Will Schuester: # Since she #
# Went away #
April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... #
# A chair is still a chair #
# Even when there's no one sitting there #
# Well, I'm not meant to live alone #
# Turn this house into a home #
# When I climb the stair and turn the key #
# Oh, please be there #
# Still in love #
# With me... #
Will Schuester: # One less bell to answer #
April Rhodes: # Each time the doorbell rings #
# I still run... #
Will Schuester: # One less egg to fry #
April Rhodes: # I've got one less man #
Will Schuester: # One less man... #
April Rhodes: # To pick up after #
Will Schuester: # No more #
April Rhodes: # No more laughter #
April & Will: # No more love #
April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #
Will Schuester: # Since she #
# Went away #
April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #
April & Will: # All I do #
# Is #
# Cry. #
April Rhodes: Good night, Will.
Will Schuester: Good night, April.



Kurt Hummel: A toast. Tonight is a momentous occasion. It marks the first rea communion between the Hummel and the Hudson clans. I imagine that when the Bouviers and the Kennedys first broke bread, there was a similar sense of joy and urgency. So let me raise my Shirley Temple to our new little family.
Finn Hudson: We're not a family.
Carole Hudson: Finn...
Burt Hummel: It's cool. You're right. Your mom and I just enjoy each other's company right now. Let's just enjoy dinner. I mean, I'm buying, right? What you, playing basketball now?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but I actually kind of like football better.
Carole Hudson: I didn't know that.
Finn Hudson: Sounds crazy, but I miss getting hit.
Kurt Hummel: Pure boyish insanity.
Burt Hummel: No, it isn't. I totally get that. I used to love the feeling of getting my clock cleaned and then popping right up. Kind of reminded me of being alive.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: Why hasn't anyone commented on the new jeans I got Carole?
Carole Hudson: Oh, come on.
Kurt Hummel: Notice that the waistband falls well below the belly button. A welcome change.
Burt Hummel: Sure, Kurt. Hey, you know, I sell tires to one of the assistant coaches from the Browns. I can probably get you tickets, if you want to go.
Finn Hudson: That'd be awesome. I've never been to an NFL game live before.
Burt Hummel: Well, no problem.
Finn Hudson: Wow. You know, for a place called Breadstix, these really suck.
Burt Hummel: It's really just stale bread.
Carole Hudson: Yeah...



Burt Hummel: Hey. You finally choose one?
Kurt Hummel: No. They're all wrong.
Burt Hummel: Well, they all look like gray to me.
Kurt Hummel: Well, maybe if they were different colored sports uniforms, you'd work harder to try and tell them apart.
Burt Hummel: I knew it. I knew when I started in on the football with Finn, you'd take it personal.
Kurt Hummel: How could I not, Dad? When was the last time you were that engaged in a conversation with me?
Burt Hummel: I'm sorry. I don't know what you want here.
Kurt Hummel: What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son that you've obviously always wanted.
Burt Hummel: Oh, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance three years in a row? Look, Kurt, I love you, and I am sympathetic to all of your stuff, but come on, buddy, we got a deal here. Right? I don't try to change you, you don't try to change me. You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn't gonna change that.
Kurt Hummel: Guy talk? I'm a guy.
Burt Hummel: Well, come on, you know what I mean.
Kurt Hummel: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is too soon for you to start getting serious with someone.
Burt Hummel: Your mom's been dead eight years, you know that. Why'd you fix me up with Carole, huh? Wasn't it to make me happy? 'Cause that's what you told me.
Kurt Hummel: Can you go now? I'm a half an hour behind on my moisturizing routine, and I need to get up early.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you want half of my peppermint patty?
Mercedes Jones: No. I don't put junk in my body.
Artie Abrams: Why are you doing this? We like you no matter how you look.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And those shake diets are really unhealthy.
Artie Abrams: They also don't really work. As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost.
Mercedes Jones: You know what? I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a Cheerio! To look fantastic. To finally fit in at this school.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're just trying to look out for you.
Artie Abrams: We just want you to be healthy.
Mercedes Jones: Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do. And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you!
Artie Abrams: Hold up. Did she just say she wanted to eat us?
Rachel Berry: The point is that Fanny Brice is the most iconic work.
Mercedes Jones: Aw, damn.



Doctor: Your blood pressure's low. Maybe that's why you fainted. Your mom will be here soon. I'll go and get you some ginger ale.
Mercedes Jones: Thanks. I'm not hungry.
Quinn Fabray: Yes, you are. You're starving. I know. I've been there. Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted?
Mercedes Jones: Yeah. How'd you know?
Quinn Fabray: Been there. Eat the granola bar.
Mercedes Jones: Why are you being so nice to me? I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't #you# and #suck.# 'Cause I was you— scared.
Quinn Fabray: Hating myself for eating a cookie. But I got over it.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, of course you did, Miss Pretty Blonde with the white girl ass.
Quinn Fabray: When you start eating for somebody else, so that they can grow and be healthy, your relationship to food changes. What I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself? You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Ms. Sylvester take that away from you.
Mercedes Jones: I'm so embarrassed. This isn't me. How did I become this person?
Quinn Fabray: You are beautiful. You know that. I'm gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay?


# Home sweet home #
# Tonight, tonight... #


Will Schuester: I don't think this is gonna work out.
Emma Pillsbury: So, I'm thinking about closing up early. Want to order a pizza, maybe snuggle up, pop in a movie?
Will Schuester: I don't think we should make a habit of spending the night together.
Emma Pillsbury: All we did was sleep.
Will Schuester: No. All you did was sleep. I was up all night with you kicking me.
Emma Pillsbury: Sorry. Them's the night terrors.
Will Schuester: Look, I'm in the middle of a divorce, and you... Are you really where you want to be? I mean, being somebody's mistress? Don't you think you deserve a little bit more than that? You can be the life of the party every night and drink till you can't see straight, but you're always going to feel empty inside until you really find a home. But, listen, if you need a place to stay tonight...
Emma Pillsbury: No. No. You're right. You're right. I am worth more than that. Tonight, I'm gonna go over to Buddy's, and I'm gonna tell him we're through. If he still had the powers of speech, I'm sure he'd be thankful. You know, RinkyDinks loses $8, 000 a night. Turns out, roller rinks— not so profitable. You always give me the right advice, Mr. Schuester. See you around.



Kurt Hummel: Finn, we need to talk. We have to break up our parents immediately. I screwed up. I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest.
Finn Hudson: It hurt you, didn't it? When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff. I could tell that you were...
Kurt Hummel: Left out? Invisible? Yeah.
Finn Hudson: I don't like that my mom's forgetting about my dad. It's up to me to keep his memory alive, and I don't want to move in with you. No offense.
Kurt Hummel: None taken. So we put an end to them. Agreed?
Finn Hudson: Agreed.



Carole Hudson: What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: I'm going to flush Dad's ashes down the toilet.
Carole Hudson: Have you lost your mind?!
Finn Hudson: What? I'm just doing the same thing you're doing to him. What's the point of keeping his remains around if you're just gonna dump them out like an old ashtray?
Carole Hudson: Fine.
Finn Hudson: What are you doing?
Carole Hudson: What you want. What we've been doing for the last 15 years— pretending. Come on, Finn, let's sit and watch TV as a family. Look! There's a basketball game on. Your dad would've liked to watch that. What do you think, Christopher?
Finn Hudson: Mom, you're being crazy.
Carole Hudson: And you're being selfish. I like Burt. I-I... I haven't felt this way about a guy since your dad died. At least not one who felt it back.
Finn Hudson: This family works. I don't want it to get screwed up!
Carole Hudson: This family manages. We get by. You just don't know any differently because you think what we have is normal. I do this with him every night. I take the urn to bed with me, and I talk to him about my day. 16 years, I've been asking him for advice and... and waiting to hear his laugh, and for him to tell me that he loves me. And he never does. And he never will.
Finn Hudson: I won't do it. I'm not moving. I'm not ready. And he wouldn't want you to do this if I wasn't ready.
Carole Hudson: You didn't know him, Finn. Sweetheart, love you so much. We don't need any more memories or ghosts. We need a family. A home.



Sue Sylvester: Well, with a name like Tracey, I assumed you were a lady.
Tracey Pendergrass: Quite a turnout for a pep rally.
Sue Sylvester: On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, leaving the gymnasium the only place with breathable air. Oh, come on. Thas clever. You might want to start writing down my little bon mots. I'm gonna be dropping some beauties on you.
Tracey Pendergrass: You know, this is just a freelance job. I was short-listed for the Pulitzer last year for my Newsweek piece on high school athletes going pro.
Sue Sylvester: So my cover story isn't a fluff piece?
Tracey Pendergrass: Nope. Hard-hitting investigation.
Sue Sylvester: Feast your ears on this smokin' intro. In a few seconds. It's so important to build the tension.
Kurt Hummel: What is she doing?
Mercedes Jones: Hey, guys. I'm Mercedes Jones. So most of you know Cheerios is about perfection and winning, looking hot and being popular.
Sue Sylvester: Still building the tension.
Mercedes Jones: Well, I think that it should be about something different. How many of you at this school feel fat? How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much? Or you're ugly, or you have too many pimples and not enough friends? Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another. Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today. And that just ain't right. And we've got something to say about it. And if you like what we have to say, come down here and sing it with us.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah #
# Yeah #
# Every day is so wonderful #
# And suddenly #
# It's hard to breathe #
# Now and then I get insecure #
# From all the pain #
# I'm so ashamed #
# I am beautiful #
# No matter what they say #
# Words can't bring me down #
# I am beautiful in every single way #
# Yes, words can't bring me down #
# Oh, no #
# So don't you bring me down today #
Cheerios: # No matter what we do #
Mercedes Jones: # No matter what we do #
Cheerios: # No matter what we say #
# We're the song that's outta tune #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Cheerios: # Full of beautiful mistakes #
# And everywhere we go #
Mercedes Jones: # And everywhere we go #
# The sun will always, always #
# Shine #
# 'Cause we are beautiful #
# No matter what they say #
# Yes, words won't bring us down #
# Oh, no #
Cheerios: # Ah... #
Mercedes Jones: # We are beautiful #
# In every single way #
# Yes, words can't bring us down #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# So don't you bring me down today #
Cheerios: # Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh #
# Don't you bring me down today #
# Hey... #
# Yeah #
# Oh #
# Ooh... #
# Don't you bring me down #
# Today. #
Tracey Pendergrass: We can finish this interview in your office tomorrow.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you. I was wrong.



Sue Sylvester: Mr. Pendergrass, let me explain.
Tracey Pendergrass: Just have a seat.
Sue Sylvester: Oh. Not used to taking orders in my own office.
Tracey Pendergrass: Sue, when I met you, I instantly disliked you. You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me Rerun makes me think you're a little racist. I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat. I could not have been more wrong.
Sue Sylvester: Beg pardon?
Tracey Pendergrass: You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion, telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are. You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading. Bravo.
Sue Sylvester: Well, thank you, uh, Mr. Pendergrass. I... I can't say I'm surprised. Um, you know, I work so hard to get my girls feeling good about themselves, becae it's what's inside that counts.
Tracey Pendergrass: It's an honor, Coach. When this hits the stands, it could mean big things for you.



Finn Hudson: What are you doing here? Did you already move in?
Burt Hummel: No, your mom invited me. She thought you and I could have a man-to-man.
Finn Hudson: Good, you know, 'cause I got a lot to say about this.
Burt Hummel: Well, I don't, so let me go first. You're pissed, I get it. Your dad is a hero, not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm, but he's a hero to you. No way I can fill his shoes. It's just, you know... I love your mom. She's like this angel that, you know, came down to wake me up after all these years, and I swear to you I will never hurt her, I will always take care of her. And I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me. All right, I've said my piece. What do you want to say?
Finn Hudson: Just... want to know if you want to watch a game.
Burt Hummel: Sure.
Finn Hudson: Hold up. You can sit here if you want.
Burt Hummel: You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.
Finn Hudson: Tell me about it.
Burt Hummel: This team, every year, they recruit these guys and, uh...



Will Schuester: I-I don't know what to say.
April Rhodes: Just say congratulations. I took your advice. I went home, I told Buddy that if he wantedo keep me around, he had to ditch the old lady and give yours truly the top job. And then he died. One of his eyes went all funny and he had a stroke right in front of me.
Will Schuester: Geez, April, are you okay?
April Rhodes: Okay? I'm rich. The ol' battle axe was afraid I'd go to The Lima Times, so she shut me up to the tune of $2 million. So I'm sobering up, and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven't had a drink in 45 minutes. I'm going to take my hush money and I'm going to mount the first-ever al l-white production of The Wiz.
Will Schuester: Okay.
April Rhodes: And I've got you to thank.
Rachel Berry: Did you tell him yet?
Will Schuester: Tell me what?
April Rhodes: That I bought y'all the auditorium.
Will Schuester: What?!
April Rhodes: I wrote ol' Figgins a check this morning. It's now called the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion.
Will Schuester: I... I don't know what to say.
Rachel Berry: We've got that covered.



April Rhodes: # When I think of home #
# I think of a place #
# Where there's love overflowing #
# I wish I was home #
# I wish I was back there #
# With the things I been knowing #
# Wind that makes the tall grass bend into leaning #
# Suddenly the raindrops that fall have a meaning #
# Sprinklin' the scene #
# Makes it all clean #
# Maybe there's a chance for me to go back #
# Now that I have some direction #
# It sure would be nice to be back home #
# Where there's love and affection #
# Then just maybe I can convince time to slow up #
# Givin' me enough time in my life to grow up #
# Time be my friend #
# Let me start again #
# Living here in this brand new realm #
# Might be a fantasy Ooohh #
# But it taught me to love, #
# So it's real, real, real to me #
# And I've learned we must look, look #
# Inside our hearts to find #
# Yeah a world full of love #
# Like yours, like mine #
# Like home #
# Home #


Ian Brennan: So here's what's hapn Finn got Kurt to try out for the football team, which was super cool, but sometimes it seems like maybe Kurt's sort of got a crush on him.
Kurt Hummel: It's enough to want to give up women all together.
Ian Brennan: Will's old crush, April, joined the Glee Club, but she was drunk all the time, so Will kicked her out. Also, Sue convinced Kurt and Mercedes that they should join the Cheerios!, which Will was none too happy about. And that's what you missed on... Glee!



Sue Sylvester: Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma. Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do. At first, I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly, but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment.
Mercedes Jones: Ms. Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios! Skirts. They don't fit me right.
Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body.
Mercedes Jones: Embarrassed? No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.
Sue Sylvester: How do you two not have a show on Bravo? Here's the skinny: Splitts! magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me #Cheerleading Coach of the Last Two Thousand Years.# In seven days, reporter Tracey Pendergrass will arrive on campus, and my new star singer will have lost ten pounds, and be in a gende r-appropriate cheerleading uniform, or she is off the team.
Kurt Hummel: Ten pounds? Are you serious?
Sue Sylvester: You could stand to lose a few, too, kiddo. You got hips like a pear. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State, notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am.



Will Schuester: Sue! We need to talk. The auditorium is padlocked!
Sue Sylvester: Well, that's curious. Did you check the sign-up sheet?
Will Schuester: What sign-up sheet?
Sue Sylvester: Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William. Let's see. Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid. Got a big magazine feature coming up. It's a little chilly for my girls to be practicing outdoors.
Will Schuester: Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.



Will Schuester: Um, all right, I have one final announcement before we all leave. We can't use the auditorium for the next week.
Finn Hudson: But that's garbage. How are we supposed to practice for Regionals without the auditorium?
Will Schuester: The Cheerios need it to practice in. There's nothing I can do.
Rachel Berry: I recommend a sit-in.
Noah Puckerman: I recommend we torch the place.
Will Schuester: No. Look, we've all faced adversity before, and we've come out stronger on the other end. I'm going to check out a few of f-site locations for us to use, just for the week. I promise I'll find us a new home.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Finn, I wanted your opinion on this. It's a swatch board. I'm redecorating my bedroom. Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air. I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part.
Finn Hudson: I live in a closet. There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.
Kurt Hummel: Oh...
Finn Hudson: But I guess that one's nice.
Kurt Hummel: Toile? I always pegged you as a chinoiserie type.



Kurt Hummel: Mercedes...
Mercedes Jones: This is healthy! Chicken breast and a salad, dressing on the side.
Kurt Hummel: You have a week to lose ten pounds. That's like having to lose one of my butt cheeks. Look at what I'm eating— peeled celery. And for breakfast, I had Splenda. Look, Mercedes, now that we're cheerleaders, we're finally part of the in crowd. We have a place at the table. We don't have to beg undneath for scraps of attention. Don't screw it up.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, guys. Can I ask you something? How do you manage to stay so skinny?
Santana Lopez: The Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse.



Sue Sylvester: Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid, cayenne pepper to irritate the bowels, and a dash of ipecac, a vomiting agent. I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.



Brittany S. Pierce: Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.
Mercedes Jones: That can't be healthy.
Santana Lopez: Who cares? You can either feel terrible and look great, or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here.



Carole Hudson: Why are you so upset? It's not your bed.
Finn Hudson: Don't you have any feelings about it? It's your and dad's honeymoon set. I was conceived in that bed.
Carole Hudson: You were conceived on a pinball machine.
Man: Well... I think that's everything. You mentioned something about the recliner?
Carole Hudson: Oh, yeah. It doesn't look like much, but the parts all work.
Man: Ooh, my wife would love this. Sciatica.
Finn Hudson: Mom, no! It's not for sale. This is Dad's chair. This is the only picture of the two of us. It's the only picture there will ever be of the two of us, and he's sitting in this chair.
Carole Hudson: It's a chair, honey. It's not him.
Finn Hudson: What's going on with you? You're selling all our old stuff, you got new clothes, a new haircut...
Carole Hudson: I'm seeing someone, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Um...
Carole Hudson: I think I'm in love.
Finn Hudson: Who is it? Uh, do I know him?
Carole Hudson: It's your friend Kurt's father— Burt Hummel.



Will Schuester: Hey. I'd like to talk to someone about renting out this space.
April Rhodes: Okay, fellas, grab a gal, or... Grab another fella if that's the way the Good Lord made ya! 'Cause it's a couples skate!
Will Schuester: No way.
April Rhodes: Well, as I live and breathe! Will Schuester?! I just had a sex dream about you! Aw, isn't he smokin'?
Will Schuester: April. April, please stop speaking into the mic.
April Rhodes: Wait... I smell something.
Will Schuester: What?
April Rhodes: I smell a duet coming on! Fire! Springsteen! Hit it!
Will Schuester: April, what is going on here? You own this place?
April Rhodes: # I'm ridin' in your car #
# You turn on the radio #
# You're pullin' me close #
# I just say no #
# I say I don't like it #
# But you know I'm a liar #
April & Will: # 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh... Fire #
Will Schuester: # Late at night #
# Ooh #
April & Will: # You're takin' me home #
# You say you wanna stay #
April Rhodes: # I wanna stay #
Will Schuester: # I say #
April & Will: # I wanna be alone #
# I say I don't love you #
# But you know I'm a liar #
# 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh, fire #
# Romeo and Juliet #
# Samson and Delilah #
Will Schuester: # Oh, baby, you can bet #
# A love they couldn't deny #
April Rhodes: # My words, they say split #
Will Schuester: # Yeah #
April Rhodes: # But my words may lie #
Will Schuester: # May lie #
April & Will: # 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh, fire. #



Will Schuester: April, what happened? I mean, last time I saw you, you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.
April Rhodes: I know. It's crazy, right? I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life, I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down. Then I hung out at that bar for a few months or so. One day, an old codger, about 75, 80, came in, and asked to buy me a drink. Get this. Buddy Leibowitz.
Will Schuester: Of Leibowitz Strip Malls?
April Rhodes: I'm his new mistress.
Will Schuester: April, I really thought you were serious about getting sober.
April Rhodes: No. Don't look so disappointed, Will. I mean, who are we kidding really? I'm nothing but a washed-up dreamer. It's all I'll ever be. Besides, I've finally realized my lifelong ambition of being a mistress to an incredibly wealthy strip mall tycoon and the owner-operator of a cabaret roller rink.
Will Schuester: Um, listen, about that— well, the Glee Club kind of needs some rehearsal space. Sue's commandeered the auditorium.
April Rhodes: Are you kidding? Bring 'em here.
Will Schuester: Really?
April Rhodes: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Oh, that would be amazing! And I promise, it's only temporary. Oh, you're the best. Listen, uh, I got to run. I've got an appointment to show my apartment.
April Rhodes: What's this, now?
Will Schuester: Yeah, so I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live. Uh... Because I'm... I'm getting a divorce.
April Rhodes: Divorce?! So you're free to date? And by date, I mean sleep with people. And by sleep with, I mean have sex with people. People like me. Kidding. Not really. But listen to this. You're looking for a subletter. I'm looking for a place to stay. One catch. I'm full-time fancy now, Will. I'm gonna want to check the place out. I'm gonna wanna check the #fungshwung, # or the #fing-fong, # or whatever they call it. Tell you what. I'm gonna go get myself a bikini wax, and I'm gonna see you tomorrow.



Becky Jackson: I lost two pounds, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully. Instead of being different and an outcast, you're just like every other teenage girl in America— sadly obsessed with vanity. Hey, before you know it, you'll be leaving little baggies of upchuck in your parents' linen closet. Congrats. I'm proud of you, kid.
Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: You betcha. Next! Hey, you're still in your track uniform.
Mercedes Jones: Yup, and I'm ready for my midweek weigh-in. I've been eating very well, and walking everywhere, and...
Sue Sylvester: Okay, well, climb aboard. Let's see how many libbies you lost. Well, look at that, Mercedes. You've gained two pounds.
Mercedes Jones: What?! That's impossible!
Sue Sylvester: Look, I'm gonna break it down for you. You have four days to lose the weight, get yourself in a uniform, or you're out.
Mercedes Jones: What am I gonna do?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you might try dropping the attitude. I'm sure there's a pound or two in that. You know, with the Cheerios!, we have only one lesson, and it's very simple lesson: You do whatever it takes. Next.



Finn Hudson: Kurt, hey! What-What the hell's going on with our parents? How did this happen? When did they even meet each other?
Kurt Hummel: Parent-Teacher conference night, about a month ago.



Kurt Hummel: I always accompany my father to those conferences, to act as translator.
Burt Hummel: How do you know this is not organic?
Kurt Hummel: Because you can see the logo. It's encrusted in the cookie. Fate brought them together. Dad, meet Carole Hudson. Ms. Hudson, my father— Burt Hummel. You both have dead spouses, maybe you should talk.
Burt Hummel: You know, I was just saying to a friend that acid wash should make a comeback.
Carole Hudson: Mmm. Really. And who said it ever left?
Kurt Hummel: It was an instant connection.



Finn Hudson: That's impossible.
Kurt Hummel: When will you learn that nothing is impossible when it comes to love? Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes, new makeup, a haircut that doesn't look like it was styled by the Amish? Who do you think Pretty Woman'ed her up? Has she started selling the furniture yet?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, she just got rid of her old bedroom set. And she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her. How did you even know that?
Kurt Hummel: People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom. They know what they want. I guess you and I will be roommates with Mom and Dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms.
Finn Hudson: No way.
Kurt Hummel: Give in to the inevitable, Finn. I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together. That's why I asked you about the swatches. And don't sweat that old chair. I have a lovely chaise picked out.
Finn Hudson: Look-Look, screw yo u-your swatches and you-your chez.
Kurt Hummel: Chaise.
Finn Hudson: Whatever, okay. Look, I-I like my house. I'm not moving, and she's not selling that... That damn chair.



Tina Cohen-Chang: A roller rink?!
Santana Lopez: Weren't those outlawed in, like, 1981, for being totally lame?
Will Schuester: Oh, come on, guys, where's your sense of adventure? The space is great and April is giving it to us to practice in for free.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may? New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction. Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z. And Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair. What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how, if we find that place within, we will get that happy ending. Brad, B flat.
# A chair is still a chair #
# Even when there's no one sitting there #
# But a chair #
# Is not a house #
# And a house is not a home #
# When there's no one there #
# To hold you tight #
# And no one there #
# You... can... #
# Kiss... Good... night #
# A room is still a room #
# Even when there's nothing there but gloom #
# But a room is not a house #
# And a house is not a home #
# When the two of us #
# Are far apart #
# And one of us has a broken heart #
Finn Hudson: # Now and then I call your name #
# And suddenly your face appears #
# But it's just a crazy game #
# And when it ends #
# It ends in tears #
Kurt Hummel: # So, darling, have a heart #
# Don't let one mistake keep us apart #
# Well, I'm not meant to live alone #
# Turn this house into a home #
# When I climb the stair and turn the key #
# Oh, please be there #
# Still in love... #
# With me. #



April Rhodes: Hiya, hot stuff.
Will Schuester: Hey, April. Um... come in. What's with the... What's with the duffel bag?
April Rhodes: Can't have an overnighter without an overnight bag.
Will Schuester: Overnight?
April Rhodes: Baby, I'm an artist— I don't go by brains, I go by feel. I need to settle in to the energy of the place, get to know the ghosts.
Will Schuester: Won't Buddy miss you?
April Rhodes: Oh, he's out of town. Something about buying a new kidney or lung.
Will Schuester: Look, April, I'm really not comfortable with any of this.
April Rhodes: I'm not looking for a hookup, Will. I just sleep better with someone inside the house. I guess I've been just feeling a little lonely, you know?
Will Schuester: Yeah. I know.
April Rhodes: Just one night? Oh, look, do you want to sublet this place quick or not?
Will Schuester: Okay, fine, but you get the couch. And no funny business. Um... Bathroom is right around the corner.
April Rhodes: Sometimes you just need a little Burt.
Will Schuester: Take whatever you want from the refrigerator. April. The liquor cabinet is off-limits.
April Rhodes: Oh, no worries— brought my own.
Will Schuester: Good night, April.
April Rhodes: G'night, Will.
# One less bell to answer #
# One less egg to fry #
# One less man #
# To pick up after #
# I should be happy #
# But all I do is cry #
Will Schuester: # Cry, cry #
# No more laughter #
April Rhodes: # Oh, I should be happy #
Will Schuester: # Oh, why did she go... ? #
April Rhodes: # I only know that since he left #
# My life's so empty #
Will Schuester: # Oh #
April Rhodes: # Though I try to forget #
# It just can't be done #
# Each time the doorbell rings, I still run #
April & Will: # I don't know how in the world #
April Rhodes: # To stop thinking of him #
Will Schuester: # I should be happy #
April Rhodes: # 'Cause I still love him so #
# I end each day the way I start out #
Will Schuester: # I start and end #
April Rhodes: # Crying my heart out #
Will Schuester: # Each day crying #
# One less bell to answer #
April Rhodes: # One less egg to fry #
# One less man #
Will Schuester: # One less man #
April Rhodes: # To pick up after #
# No more laughter #
Will Schuester: # No more #
April & Will: # No more love... #
April Rhodes: # Since he went away #
Will Schuester: # Since she #
# Went away #
April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... #
# A chair is still a chair #
# Even when there's no one sitting there #
# Well, I'm not meant to live alone #
# Turn this house into a home #
# When I climb the stair and turn the key #
# Oh, please be there #
# Still in love #
# With me... #
Will Schuester: # One less bell to answer #
April Rhodes: # Each time the doorbell rings #
# I still run... #
Will Schuester: # One less egg to fry #
April Rhodes: # I've got one less man #
Will Schuester: # One less man... #
April Rhodes: # To pick up after #
Will Schuester: # No more #
April Rhodes: # No more laughter #
April & Will: # No more love #
April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #
Will Schuester: # Since she #
# Went away #
April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #
April & Will: # All I do #
# Is #
# Cry. #
April Rhodes: Good night, Will.
Will Schuester: Good night, April.



Kurt Hummel: A toast. Tonight is a momentous occasion. It marks the first rea communion between the Hummel and the Hudson clans. I imagine that when the Bouviers and the Kennedys first broke bread, there was a similar sense of joy and urgency. So let me raise my Shirley Temple to our new little family.
Finn Hudson: We're not a family.
Carole Hudson: Finn...
Burt Hummel: It's cool. You're right. Your mom and I just enjoy each other's company right now. Let's just enjoy dinner. I mean, I'm buying, right? What you, playing basketball now?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but I actually kind of like football better.
Carole Hudson: I didn't know that.
Finn Hudson: Sounds crazy, but I miss getting hit.
Kurt Hummel: Pure boyish insanity.
Burt Hummel: No, it isn't. I totally get that. I used to love the feeling of getting my clock cleaned and then popping right up. Kind of reminded me of being alive.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: Why hasn't anyone commented on the new jeans I got Carole?
Carole Hudson: Oh, come on.
Kurt Hummel: Notice that the waistband falls well below the belly button. A welcome change.
Burt Hummel: Sure, Kurt. Hey, you know, I sell tires to one of the assistant coaches from the Browns. I can probably get you tickets, if you want to go.
Finn Hudson: That'd be awesome. I've never been to an NFL game live before.
Burt Hummel: Well, no problem.
Finn Hudson: Wow. You know, for a place called Breadstix, these really suck.
Burt Hummel: It's really just stale bread.
Carole Hudson: Yeah...



Burt Hummel: Hey. You finally choose one?
Kurt Hummel: No. They're all wrong.
Burt Hummel: Well, they all look like gray to me.
Kurt Hummel: Well, maybe if they were different colored sports uniforms, you'd work harder to try and tell them apart.
Burt Hummel: I knew it. I knew when I started in on the football with Finn, you'd take it personal.
Kurt Hummel: How could I not, Dad? When was the last time you were that engaged in a conversation with me?
Burt Hummel: I'm sorry. I don't know what you want here.
Kurt Hummel: What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son that you've obviously always wanted.
Burt Hummel: Oh, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance three years in a row? Look, Kurt, I love you, and I am sympathetic to all of your stuff, but come on, buddy, we got a deal here. Right? I don't try to change you, you don't try to change me. You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn't gonna change that.
Kurt Hummel: Guy talk? I'm a guy.
Burt Hummel: Well, come on, you know what I mean.
Kurt Hummel: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is too soon for you to start getting serious with someone.
Burt Hummel: Your mom's been dead eight years, you know that. Why'd you fix me up with Carole, huh? Wasn't it to make me happy? 'Cause that's what you told me.
Kurt Hummel: Can you go now? I'm a half an hour behind on my moisturizing routine, and I need to get up early.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you want half of my peppermint patty?
Mercedes Jones: No. I don't put junk in my body.
Artie Abrams: Why are you doing this? We like you no matter how you look.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And those shake diets are really unhealthy.
Artie Abrams: They also don't really work. As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost.
Mercedes Jones: You know what? I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a Cheerio! To look fantastic. To finally fit in at this school.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're just trying to look out for you.
Artie Abrams: We just want you to be healthy.
Mercedes Jones: Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do. And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you!
Artie Abrams: Hold up. Did she just say she wanted to eat us?
Rachel Berry: The point is that Fanny Brice is the most iconic work.
Mercedes Jones: Aw, damn.



Doctor: Your blood pressure's low. Maybe that's why you fainted. Your mom will be here soon. I'll go and get you some ginger ale.
Mercedes Jones: Thanks. I'm not hungry.
Quinn Fabray: Yes, you are. You're starving. I know. I've been there. Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted?
Mercedes Jones: Yeah. How'd you know?
Quinn Fabray: Been there. Eat the granola bar.
Mercedes Jones: Why are you being so nice to me? I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't #you# and #suck.# 'Cause I was you— scared.
Quinn Fabray: Hating myself for eating a cookie. But I got over it.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, of course you did, Miss Pretty Blonde with the white girl ass.
Quinn Fabray: When you start eating for somebody else, so that they can grow and be healthy, your relationship to food changes. What I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself? You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Ms. Sylvester take that away from you.
Mercedes Jones: I'm so embarrassed. This isn't me. How did I become this person?
Quinn Fabray: You are beautiful. You know that. I'm gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay?


# Home sweet home #
# Tonight, tonight... #


Will Schuester: I don't think this is gonna work out.
Emma Pillsbury: So, I'm thinking about closing up early. Want to order a pizza, maybe snuggle up, pop in a movie?
Will Schuester: I don't think we should make a habit of spending the night together.
Emma Pillsbury: All we did was sleep.
Will Schuester: No. All you did was sleep. I was up all night with you kicking me.
Emma Pillsbury: Sorry. Them's the night terrors.
Will Schuester: Look, I'm in the middle of a divorce, and you... Are you really where you want to be? I mean, being somebody's mistress? Don't you think you deserve a little bit more than that? You can be the life of the party every night and drink till you can't see straight, but you're always going to feel empty inside until you really find a home. But, listen, if you need a place to stay tonight...
Emma Pillsbury: No. No. You're right. You're right. I am worth more than that. Tonight, I'm gonna go over to Buddy's, and I'm gonna tell him we're through. If he still had the powers of speech, I'm sure he'd be thankful. You know, RinkyDinks loses $8, 000 a night. Turns out, roller rinks— not so profitable. You always give me the right advice, Mr. Schuester. See you around.



Kurt Hummel: Finn, we need to talk. We have to break up our parents immediately. I screwed up. I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest.
Finn Hudson: It hurt you, didn't it? When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff. I could tell that you were...
Kurt Hummel: Left out? Invisible? Yeah.
Finn Hudson: I don't like that my mom's forgetting about my dad. It's up to me to keep his memory alive, and I don't want to move in with you. No offense.
Kurt Hummel: None taken. So we put an end to them. Agreed?
Finn Hudson: Agreed.



Carole Hudson: What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: I'm going to flush Dad's ashes down the toilet.
Carole Hudson: Have you lost your mind?!
Finn Hudson: What? I'm just doing the same thing you're doing to him. What's the point of keeping his remains around if you're just gonna dump them out like an old ashtray?
Carole Hudson: Fine.
Finn Hudson: What are you doing?
Carole Hudson: What you want. What we've been doing for the last 15 years— pretending. Come on, Finn, let's sit and watch TV as a family. Look! There's a basketball game on. Your dad would've liked to watch that. What do you think, Christopher?
Finn Hudson: Mom, you're being crazy.
Carole Hudson: And you're being selfish. I like Burt. I-I... I haven't felt this way about a guy since your dad died. At least not one who felt it back.
Finn Hudson: This family works. I don't want it to get screwed up!
Carole Hudson: This family manages. We get by. You just don't know any differently because you think what we have is normal. I do this with him every night. I take the urn to bed with me, and I talk to him about my day. 16 years, I've been asking him for advice and... and waiting to hear his laugh, and for him to tell me that he loves me. And he never does. And he never will.
Finn Hudson: I won't do it. I'm not moving. I'm not ready. And he wouldn't want you to do this if I wasn't ready.
Carole Hudson: You didn't know him, Finn. Sweetheart, love you so much. We don't need any more memories or ghosts. We need a family. A home.



Sue Sylvester: Well, with a name like Tracey, I assumed you were a lady.
Tracey Pendergrass: Quite a turnout for a pep rally.
Sue Sylvester: On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, leaving the gymnasium the only place with breathable air. Oh, come on. Thas clever. You might want to start writing down my little bon mots. I'm gonna be dropping some beauties on you.
Tracey Pendergrass: You know, this is just a freelance job. I was short-listed for the Pulitzer last year for my Newsweek piece on high school athletes going pro.
Sue Sylvester: So my cover story isn't a fluff piece?
Tracey Pendergrass: Nope. Hard-hitting investigation.
Sue Sylvester: Feast your ears on this smokin' intro. In a few seconds. It's so important to build the tension.
Kurt Hummel: What is she doing?
Mercedes Jones: Hey, guys. I'm Mercedes Jones. So most of you know Cheerios is about perfection and winning, looking hot and being popular.
Sue Sylvester: Still building the tension.
Mercedes Jones: Well, I think that it should be about something different. How many of you at this school feel fat? How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much? Or you're ugly, or you have too many pimples and not enough friends? Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another. Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today. And that just ain't right. And we've got something to say about it. And if you like what we have to say, come down here and sing it with us.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah #
# Yeah #
# Every day is so wonderful #
# And suddenly #
# It's hard to breathe #
# Now and then I get insecure #
# From all the pain #
# I'm so ashamed #
# I am beautiful #
# No matter what they say #
# Words can't bring me down #
# I am beautiful in every single way #
# Yes, words can't bring me down #
# Oh, no #
# So don't you bring me down today #
Cheerios: # No matter what we do #
Mercedes Jones: # No matter what we do #
Cheerios: # No matter what we say #
# We're the song that's outta tune #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Cheerios: # Full of beautiful mistakes #
# And everywhere we go #
Mercedes Jones: # And everywhere we go #
# The sun will always, always #
# Shine #
# 'Cause we are beautiful #
# No matter what they say #
# Yes, words won't bring us down #
# Oh, no #
Cheerios: # Ah... #
Mercedes Jones: # We are beautiful #
# In every single way #
# Yes, words can't bring us down #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# So don't you bring me down today #
Cheerios: # Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh #
# Don't you bring me down today #
# Hey... #
# Yeah #
# Oh #
# Ooh... #
# Don't you bring me down #
# Today. #
Tracey Pendergrass: We can finish this interview in your office tomorrow.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you. I was wrong.



Sue Sylvester: Mr. Pendergrass, let me explain.
Tracey Pendergrass: Just have a seat.
Sue Sylvester: Oh. Not used to taking orders in my own office.
Tracey Pendergrass: Sue, when I met you, I instantly disliked you. You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me Rerun makes me think you're a little racist. I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat. I could not have been more wrong.
Sue Sylvester: Beg pardon?
Tracey Pendergrass: You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion, telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are. You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading. Bravo.
Sue Sylvester: Well, thank you, uh, Mr. Pendergrass. I... I can't say I'm surprised. Um, you know, I work so hard to get my girls feeling good about themselves, becae it's what's inside that counts.
Tracey Pendergrass: It's an honor, Coach. When this hits the stands, it could mean big things for you.



Finn Hudson: What are you doing here? Did you already move in?
Burt Hummel: No, your mom invited me. She thought you and I could have a man-to-man.
Finn Hudson: Good, you know, 'cause I got a lot to say about this.
Burt Hummel: Well, I don't, so let me go first. You're pissed, I get it. Your dad is a hero, not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm, but he's a hero to you. No way I can fill his shoes. It's just, you know... I love your mom. She's like this angel that, you know, came down to wake me up after all these years, and I swear to you I will never hurt her, I will always take care of her. And I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me. All right, I've said my piece. What do you want to say?
Finn Hudson: Just... want to know if you want to watch a game.
Burt Hummel: Sure.
Finn Hudson: Hold up. You can sit here if you want.
Burt Hummel: You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.
Finn Hudson: Tell me about it.
Burt Hummel: This team, every year, they recruit these guys and, uh...



Will Schuester: I-I don't know what to say.
April Rhodes: Just say congratulations. I took your advice. I went home, I told Buddy that if he wantedo keep me around, he had to ditch the old lady and give yours truly the top job. And then he died. One of his eyes went all funny and he had a stroke right in front of me.
Will Schuester: Geez, April, are you okay?
April Rhodes: Okay? I'm rich. The ol' battle axe was afraid I'd go to The Lima Times, so she shut me up to the tune of $2 million. So I'm sobering up, and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven't had a drink in 45 minutes. I'm going to take my hush money and I'm going to mount the first-ever al l-white production of The Wiz.
Will Schuester: Okay.
April Rhodes: And I've got you to thank.
Rachel Berry: Did you tell him yet?
Will Schuester: Tell me what?
April Rhodes: That I bought y'all the auditorium.
Will Schuester: What?!
April Rhodes: I wrote ol' Figgins a check this morning. It's now called the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion.
Will Schuester: I... I don't know what to say.
Rachel Berry: We've got that covered.



April Rhodes: # When I think of home #
# I think of a place #
# Where there's love overflowing #
# I wish I was home #
# I wish I was back there #
# With the things I been knowing #
# Wind that makes the tall grass bend into leaning #
# Suddenly the raindrops that fall have a meaning #
# Sprinklin' the scene #
# Makes it all clean #
# Maybe there's a chance for me to go back #
# Now that I have some direction #
# It sure would be nice to be back home #
# Where there's love and affection #
# Then just maybe I can convince time to slow up #
# Givin' me enough time in my life to grow up #
# Time be my friend #
# Let me start again #
# Living here in this brand new realm #
# Might be a fantasy Ooohh #
# But it taught me to love, #
# So it's real, real, real to me #
# And I've learned we must look, look #
# Inside our hearts to find #
# Yeah a world full of love #
# Like yours, like mine #
# Like home #
# Home #
外部リンク
 Glee Wiki
 IMDb
 Wikipedia

117. Bad Reputation

放送日:2010年5月4日


Ian Brennan: So here's whad on Glee: Jesse left Vocal Adrenaline...
Jesse St. James: I'm a star. You can learn from me.
Ian Brennan: So he could date Rachel, so now he's part of the glee club.
Will Schuester: Great to have you here.
Ian Brennan: And they're the new power couple. Previous power couples: Rachel and Finn...
Rachel Berry: I made us his and her relationship calendars.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Ian Brennan: ... also, Rachel and Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Want to make out?
Rachel Berry: Sure.
Ian Brennan: Will still has a crush on Emma...
Will Schuester: I could just lean over and kiss you if I want to. And I want to.
Ian Brennan: But he hasn't divorced Terri yet, and he made out with the coach of Vocal Adrenaline.
Shelby Corcoran: Most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay.
Ian Brennan: And Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Sloppy freak show babies!
Ian Brennan: Still just kind of angry about everything.
Sue Sylvester: Who wants a piece of it? Huh?
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Finn Hudson: What's so funny?
Rachel Berry: You guys aren't watching the video of me falling off stage at my first TinyTots beauty pageant, are you?
Kurt Hummel: That was Carrot Top funny compared to this comedic tour de force.
Jesse St. James: That's Olivia Newton-John's "Physical." It was pretty groundbreaking subject matter at the time, considering it's depiction of fluid sexuality.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my good...
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait. That's not Olivia Newton-John. That's, that's Sue Sylvester. Where did you get this?
Kurt Hummel: I can tell you that I certainly did not steal it from her locked file cabinet yesterday when she sent me back to her office to get her hormone replacement injection during Cheerios practice.
Artie Abrams: Wait, did she just do the Cabbage Patch?
Finn Hudson: I'm posting this on YouTube.
Rachel Berry: No, no, wait, wait. Do you think that's a good idea? She might kill us.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through.
Jesse St. James: I'm with Finn. You guys need to stop being such asses and start being bad-asses.
Finn Hudson: Ten bucks it goes viral by lunch.


# Let's get animal, animal... #


Dave Karofsky: Hey, Ms. Sylvester. Let's get physical.
Sue Sylvester: Not really my type, but I like that attitude.
Azimio Adams: Hey, Sue! Let's get animal!



Sue Sylvester: That glee club stole my private property and posted it online. And as soon as I figure out the difference between slander and libel, I'm filing a lawsuit.
Will Schuester: Sue, don't you think you might be overstating this a little?
Sue Sylvester: Will, I may buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby's ass. That video has received over 170, 000 comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few.
Principal Figgins: "The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester."
Sue Sylvester: That was particularly hurtful.
Will Schuester: You know, Sue, there are a lot of people at this school who dislike you. My kids don't do stuff like this.
Sue Sylvester: Is that so? Exhibit B.
Will Schuester: What's a "Glist"?
Sue Sylvester: It's the "Glee List" William. It's a weekly ranking of your glee club, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently, you get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.
Will Schuester: What makes you think my kids did this?
Principal Figgins: This Glist was made on a library computer using the pass code "gleeclub."
Sue Sylvester: Your glee club is a petri dish of sexual depravity.
Principal Figgins: Sue's right, Will. Why, only last year, a list was posted ranking Mckinley's ten ugliest Gingers. And the perpetrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a member of the faculty!
Sue Sylvester: I stand by that list.
Principal Figgins: William, this is serious. I cannot have an environment that sexualizes children and damages their self-esteem!
Sue Sylvester: You know, a week ago, had I fod a list that so degraded the glee club, I would've been embarrassed I was beaten to the punch. But now I know the white-hot shame of public rebuke— that pain is indescribable.
Principal Figgins: William, last year, at West Dayton High, a photo circulated of school superintendent...
Sue Sylvester: And what was he wearing?
Principal Figgins: Women's lingerie.
Sue Sylvester: And what was he riding?
Principal Figgins: Pony!
Sue Sylvester: And who was expelled?
Principal Figgins: The entire school!
Sue Sylvester: The entire school was expelled, will!
Will Schuester: What does that have to do with me?
Principal Figgins: You must find out who made the Glist and suspend them before they post another one, or I'm holding the entire glee club responsible!
Will Schuester: Are you serious?
Principal Figgins: Deadly serious! I cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
Sue Sylvester: He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!



Will Schuester: Who did it? This is serious. Principal Figgins is threatening to disband the club.
Santana Lopez: Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Back off. I didn't do squat.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Then why is your girlfriend first on the Glist?
Rachel Berry: And why am I last? Aside from the fact that I refused to put out for you.
Will Schuester: Okay, enough! No one is accusing anyone of anything. Puck, seriously, did you do it?
Noah Puckerman: I said no. I'm a delinquent, sure. I like setting Stuff on fire and ating up people I don't know. I own at. But I'm not a liar.
Will Schuester: All right, here's the important point. Between this and posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube, you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation.
Artie Abrams: Why is that a bad thing? Maybe if we seem more dangerous, people would stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.
Will Schuester: Look, things are hard right now. I get it. You're under a lot of pressure with regionals coming up. And I know that winning sectionals hasn't had the positive effect on your popularity that a lot of you thought it would. But becoming what you despise is not the answer.
Mercedes Jones: Man, this song is wack.
Will Schuester: No, it's not. It's a terrific song on a long list of top hits that, because of time or some bad press, has become a joke. And, like you guys, it's time to start rehabilitating its bad reputation. The assignment for the week is for all of you to find songs like this, mine them for what works and make them great again. And then, hopefully, can apply this musical lesson to your own lives.
Jesse St. James: This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking.
Will Schuester: You want to bet?
Artie Abrams: Oh, no, he didn't.
Will Schuester: Hit it.
# Yo, V.I.P. #
# Let's kick it #
New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
Will Schuester: # All right, stop, collaborate and listen #
# Ice is back with a brand-new invention #
# Something grabs ahold of me tightly #
# Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly #
# Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know #
# Turn off the lights, huh #
# And I'll glow, to the extreme #
# I rock a mic like a vandal #
# Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle #
# Dance, go rush the speaker that booms #
# I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom #
# Deadly, when I play a dope melody #
# Anything less than the best is a felony #
# Love it or leave it, you better gangway #
# You better hit the bull's-eye #
# The kid don't play #
# If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it #
# Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it #
New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
Oh!
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
Will Schuester: # Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet #
# Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it #
# My town that created all th bass sound, enough to shake #
# And kick holes in the ground 'cause my style's #
# Like a chemical spill #
# Feasible rhymes you can vision and feel #
# Conducted and formed, that's a hell of a concept #
# We make it hype and you want to step with this #
# Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja #
# Cut like a razor blade #
# So fast, other DJs say, "damn" #
# If my rhyme was a drug #
# I'd sell it by the gram, keep my composure #
# When it's time to get loose #
# Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice #
# If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it #
# Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it #
New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Too cold, too cold #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby.
Will Schuester: # Yo, man, let's get out of here. Word to your mother. #
This song is officially paroled! Right, Jesse? You got me?



Sue Sylvester: This is not happening. The cruel slow-motion laughter is just your imagination. You're Sue Sylvester— legend. They're not laughing at you because of your "Physical" video. Just calmly pour yourself a cup of joe and focus. Wait, what's that smell? Dear God, that's coffee. It's usually masked by the smell of fear. Sweet merciful Lord, this is happening! You're being laughed at in slow motion by a roomful of inferiors whom you used to terrify.
Brenda Castle: The name is Brenda. Brenda Castle. I just transferred from Fort Wayne. I can't teach in Indiana anymore 'cause I have some "drug problems" that ended up involving some of my "shoot-ins." I saw your video. And you, my friend, are an embarrassment. And that's me talking!



Rachel Berry: I need to enlist the services of the A/V Club.
Artie Abrams: What did you have in mind?
Rachel Berry: My shame at appearing so low on the Glist has made me reevaluate my image at this school and beyond. I've now realized that in today's culture of bad boy athletes and celebrity sex tapes, a good reputation is no good at all. Artie, you know how our Glee Club assignment was to find a song with a bad reputation and rehabilitate it? Well, mine is going to afford me the worst reputation in this school. Rachel Berry is going to get a little down and dirty.
Artie Abrams: I'm going to stop you. You had me at "sex tape." How can I help?
Rachel Berry: Hold onto your hat, because Rachel Berry is going to become : musically promiscuous.



Kurt Hummel: Because our free-falling reps have reached terminal velocity. We are at Defcon One.
Mercedes Jones: We're such zeros they didn't even bother putting us on the Glist.
Kurt Hummel: What does a C-lister do when their tiny star is about to fall off Perez Hilton's radar screen? They cause a scandal so extreme they can no longer be ignored.
Artie Abrams: Um, excuse me. Why is she here?
Brittany S. Pierce: I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave. But I also don't know why I've only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school. Girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor. I need to do something to get into the top three.
Kurt Hummel: Fine, you're in.
Mercedes Jones: In what? We don't even have a plan.
Kurt Hummel: What is the worst thing a student can do at this school?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Eat in the cafeteria?
Kurt Hummel: No, be a disruption in the library. And I'm not talking about trying to check out a reference book. Mm-mm. I'm talking about full-on chaos— including getting your Glee on in the stacks.
Artie Abrams: Genius.



Sue Sylvester: I never really understood how hard it is to be laughed at. Particularly in slow motion. I try to make it seem like nothing can touch me, but... Boy... Jean, I'm so sorry you ever felt that way. I'm sorry I didn't protect you more.
Jean Sylvester: Remember what we used to do, Sue? Whenever I got sad, we'd help at the animal shelter, to give back.
Sue Sylvester: Because there's always someone who's got it worse than you do.



Emma Pillsbury: I'm a little confused.
Sue Sylvester: I understand. You're probably wondering, what exactly does Sue Sylvester mean when she says, "I'm your new therapist"? Well, let me explain. As you may or may not know, I star in a little music video that's been circulating around the Web. A video that has a tendency to induce cruel, slow-motion laughter.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, didn't-didn't know about that.
Sue Sylvester: Well, this video has inspired Sue Sylvester to start giving back. I happen to have my Masters in counseling, and when I heard that our school district's one and only psychologist had committed suicide, well, I decided to volunteer my services. And they gave me your name.I'd really like to help.
Emma Pillsbury: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sue Sylvester: Ella, you're crippled by mental illness. Your compulsions have estranged you from your own feelings. You nearly married a gym teacher who's more gravy than man. And you're content to be repeatedly lied to by the man you purport to love.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm sorry?
Sue Sylvester: I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to slip baby monitors under his couch, and under his bed. Turns out he's been having make out sessions with the coach from Vocal Adrenaline, and sleepovers with that world-class banana magnet April Rhodes.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my God.
Sue Sylvester: You need to make a bold move. You suck.
Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me?
Sue Sylvester: You take weird little strides when you walk, as if you were raised in imperial Japan and someone bound your feet.
Emma Pillsbury: You make a valid point.
Sue Sylvester: Grow a pair. I'm insulting you. You refuse to stand up for yourself, you're so afraid of confrontation.
Emma Pillsbury: You're right.
Sue Sylvester: If you want to get better, you need to start communicating your feelings. You need to let Will Schuester know how he's made you feel, and in a public setting, so he can'escape, and he won't manipulate you. Trust me— you need to let him have it.



Rachel Berry: Do you know that when we dated, the rest of the school gave us a nickname? Puckleberry.
Noah Puckerman: That's humiliating.
Rachel Berry: The fact is that slumming it with me actually improved your reputation. It gave you a sense of humanity.
Noah Puckerman: Wait— do you want to date again? I was wondering why you invited me here.
Rachel Berry: As you know, I'm taken. But I can be of some assistance. Help me with my song for Glee Club. I might be the last chance you have to salvage what's left of your reputation, and stay in Glee. Besides, you need a song that going to help you express your inner pain.
Noah Puckerman: So what song do you want to do for your assignment?
Rachel Berry: I've chosen David Geddes' fantastically terrible '70s top ten hit— "Run Joey Run." It's a story song. So we get to play parts. I'm going to play the role of the tragic heroine who dies in the end, A la Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. And you can be the hunky, heroic male lead.
Noah Puckerman: Do I get to kill you?
Rachel Berry: Actually, my dad shoots me with a shotgun.
Noah Puckerman: Do you think I made that Glist? Honestly.
Rachel Berry: Well, it does sound like something that you would do.
Noah Puckerman: God, I'm so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I've made. I try to be a good guy. I go to school and I say, "Be cool, Puck. Be nice." But by second period, I've got a fire extinguisher in my hands and I'm spraying some dweeb with it and I don't know how I got there.
Rachel Berry: I understand. Yeah. I sit in Glee Club and I watch a couple of imperfect performances and a litany of criticisms just start building up inside of me like a volcano and I keep telling myself to hold it in and then it just comes bursting out. Granted, generally I'm right, but doesn't do much for my reputation.
Noah Puckerman: It does suck when you do that.
Rachel Berry: So, uh, how do you think we can get people to see us differently?
Noah Puckerman: I don't know.
Rachel Berry: I can't— I can't do this.
Noah Puckerman: You know, whoever made that Glist is going to put you at number one when they find out you cheated on that Jesse kid with me. Besides, Jesse will never fully understand what it means to be a Jew.
Rachel Berry: Noah... I'm ironically turned on by your bad boy image, but I think we should just keep this professional.
Noah Puckerman: All right, I'm out. Why should I stay if there's no chance of us making out?
Rachel Berry: Noah, please come and sit down and let's work on the project. Okay, it'll help us both. I promise.



Emma Pillsbury: I don't think I can do this. Are you sure this is a good idea?
Sue Sylvester: Stop thinking about him and do it for yourself.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God. Okay, let's do this.
Sue Sylvester: Nah, can't go in the teacher's lounge. Lots of cruel, slow-motion laughter going on in there.
Brenda Castle: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughingstock.
Sue Sylvester: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco.
Brenda Castle: It's a date. That's just a typical Saturday night in the Castle condo.
Sue Sylvester: I think it's mornings...
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Sue Sylvester: Go get 'em.
Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me.
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Em, can you just give us a sec?
Emma Pillsbury: Actually no. Will, I can't give you a sec. You're just going to have to reschedul your heavy petting session with Mrs. Carlisle for a later time.
Will Schuester: Emma!
Mrs. Carlisle: I beg your pardon? I was just telling Mr. Schuester about how my husband recently died.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Getting them fresh off the rebound now, aren't you? Amazing. Nobody's safe. Nobody is safe.
Will Schuester: Emma, can I talk to you in private?
Emma Pillsbury: No, you can't. Will, we're going to talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun; it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes.
Will Schuester: How did you find out about that?
Emma Pillsbury: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure out things on your own, I thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I am finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you. I'm very sorry for your loss.



Mercedes Jones: Looks like we got a full house, y'all.
Artie Abrams: I'm kind of getting cold feet here.
Brittany S. Pierce: Can you even feel your feet?
Ancient Librarian: Shh!
Kurt Hummel: Team, listen up. If we pull this off, we will be legends at this school.We'll rocket up the Glist. We will be top-five, easy. Artie, pump up the jam. It's about to go down.
Artie Abrams: # You can't touch this. #
# My, my, my music hits me so hard #
# Can't touch this #
# Makes me say, oh, my Lord #
# Thank you for blessing me #
# With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet #
# It feels good, when you know you're down #
# A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown #
# And I'm known as such #
# And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch #
# I told you, homeboy #
# Can't touch this #
# Yo, let me bust this funky lyric #
# Can't touch this #
# Fresh new kicks advance, you gotta like that #
# Now you know you wanna dance #
# So move, outta your seat #
# And get a fly girl and catch this beat #
# While it's rolling, hold on #
# Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's going on #
# Like that, like that #
# Cold on a mission so fall them back #
# Let 'em know that you're too much #
# And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch #
All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Yo, I told you, can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # You can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Damn, you can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # I told you, can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Too high, you can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Yo, we out of here, can't touch this. #
Here it comes.
Ancient Librarian: That was very cute. I'm gonna talk to my pastor and see if I can't get you kids to perform that for our Sunday service.



Will Schuester: Look, I don't like doing this any more than you do, but if I don't find out who made that Glist and stop another one from being published, the whole Glee Club's going down. And I can't let that happen.
Finn Hudson: Look, I know I've been kind of angry lately, and sometimes I kick over chairs and stuff, but I didn't do it.
Will Schuester: All the pieces fit, Finn. You have a very big axe to grind with several people on that Glist. Quinn broke your heart, Puck betrayed your friendship, you're dealing with Kurt's dad dating your mom, and I happen to know you've had your ups and downs with Santana and Brittany...
Mercedes Jones: I have nothing against Santana, and I like Brittany. Quinn's the one who has a beef with them.
Will Schuester: Well, there are an awful lot of Cheerios! On that Glist. Isn't it true that you still feel like an outcast in that group?
Mercedes Jones: I don't know what you're talking about. I like being a Cheerio. And why does everyone just assume I'm angry all the time? It's called being sassy, Mr. Schue.
Artie Abrams: It's simple math, Mr. Schue. The Glists are posted at a height of five and a half feet, comfortably out of my reach. It could not have been me. And I have it on good word that...
Tina Cohen-Chang: I saw Puckutting up the Glist in the hallway.
Noah Puckerman: I was moving it! Somebody put it up on Rachel's locker, so I moved it. I was being a man, doing the right thing.
Will Schuester: Puck, at some point, the lies are going to stop, and you're going to start to sing.
Noah Puckerman: If I did it, why would I put myself at number three? As far as bad-asses go, I'm number wha. I'll say it again, I didn't do it!
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know how to turn on a computer.
Quinn Fabray: Rachel did it. Think about it: I stole the guy she's in love with, then I stole the guy she dated to get over the guy she's in love with. And I'm kind of a bitch to her.
Will Schuester: Just doesn't seem like Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: She's gone behind your back before. And I mean, who's to say that there's only one culprit?
Will Schuester: Look, I know you know something! So we're not leaving here until I get some answers.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schuester, may I be blunt?
Will Schuester: Shoot.
Kurt Hummel: Ever since you separated from your wife, you've spent a lot of late nights watching reruns of Law and Order, haven't you? Hmm. Thought so. And no, I didn't make the Glist.
Will Schuester: Right.



Kurt Hummel: We're as menacing as Muppet Babies. Which means our squeaky-clean reputations are still very much intact.
Artie Abrams: We have to do what we've been dreading, something more terrifying than Rachel's personality— We have to go to Sylvester and admit that we posted the Physical video.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But we'll get suspended.
Kurt Hummel: And it will be worth it. Finally the entire student body will see us as bad-asses.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I don't know how much longer I can take the humiliation. The video has just surpassed three million hits. Is my misery some kind of karmic retribution for the way I've treated people? You're go for Sue.
Olivia Newton-John: Hello? Sue? It's Olivia Newton-John, star of Grease— the most successful movie musical of all time.
Sue Sylvester: Nice try. And that's a ridiculous accent.
Olivia Newton-John: Uh...
Sue Sylvester: Journal, I've learned my lesson. Sue Sylvester's gotta start playing nice full-time.
Olivia Newton-John: Hi! Uh, we must have been cut off. It's Olivia Newton-John. I released a record seven-consecutive number one singles.
Sue Sylvester: Sing something.
Olivia Newton-John: # Let's get physical #
# Physical... #
Olivia Newton-John: That song was the best-selling record of the '80s. Listen, Sue, I'm headed for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a sanctuary for orphaned koalas, but I heard my daughter Chloe laughing at something on the Internet the other day, and I saw your video. And I just have to ask, whatever would possess a person to do something like that?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I gotta tell you, Olivia, that video was never meant for public consumption. Some people enjoy videotaping themselves being intimate with a partner. I happen to enjoy revisiting the impeccable form of my various jazzercise routines.
Olivia Newton-John: Well, it got me thinking. You know, that song was the biggest hit of my career. "Physical" spent ten weeks at number one.
Sue Sylvester: It's a classic.
Olivia Newton-John: I agree. Unfortunately, I botched the video, which, by the way, was one of the first music videos ever. But I filled it with obese guys in spandex, and it went over the top, and the song went with it. But I saw your YouTube video, Sue, and I realized that now is the time to save it— and possibly you. I'll be in Ohio tomorrow chairing a benefit for Save the Rainforests at King's Island.
Sue Sylvester: I don't understand.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, man-whore.
Brenda Castle: Will Schuester? Yeah. I'm Brenda Castle. I'm the new astronomy teacher and badminton coach. I also happen to be an alcoholic, and... I like pills. I hear that's just your type. Let's go in this classroom and pork!
Will Schuester: No.
Principal Figgins: I am praying for you, William. We've all heard about your gallivanting!
Will Schuester: But nothing happened!
Ken Tanaka: Maybe that's not what matters, Will. You broke the heart of somebody who doesn't let people get close to her.
Will Schuester: I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Ken Tanaka: You probably didn't mean to hurt me, either, but lately I've been feeding my feelings to the tune of 6, 000 calories a day.
Sue Sylvester: Slut.



Artie Abrams: Remember— if Sylvester hits you in the fbce after you cop to posting the video, don't scream like a woman.
Mercedes Jones: You're so brave for doing this, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: I know. Thank you.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God...
Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester, can I have just a minute of your time?
Sue Sylvester: What do you want, ladyface?
Kurt Hummel: You're aware a tape was leaked onto the Internet, causing you to become a national laughingstock? We stole the tape from your syringe-and-pill drawer. We posted it online. We'll accept whatever punishment you see fit.
Sue Sylvester: So it was you. I can't thank you enough.



Artie Abrams: She wasn't angry at all. It was weird.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe the comments online have gotten so mean, people have started to feel sorry for her. She's finally getting some sympathy, so she's in a forgiving mood.
Kurt Hummel: Wait a second. Take a look at this.
Mercedes Jones: Isn't that... ?
Olivia Newton-John: # Physical, physical, physical, physical, physical #
# I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like #
# Making good conversation #
# I gotta handle you just right #
# You know what I mean? #
Sue Sylvester: # I took you to an intimate restaurant #
# Then to a suggestive movie #
# There's nothing left to talk about #
# Unless it's horizontally #
Olivia & Sue: # Let's get physical, physical! #
# I wanna get physical! #
# Let's get into physical! #
# Let me hear your body talk, your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Body talk #
# Let's get physical, physical! #
# I want to get physical! #
# Let's get into physical #
# Let me hear your body talk, your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk #
Olivia Newton-John: # I been patient, I been good #
# Trying to keep my hands on the table #
# It's getting hard, this holding back #
# You know what I mean? #
# What I mean? #
Sue Sylvester: # I'm sure you'll understand my point of view #
# We know each other mentally #
# You've gotta know that you're bringin' out the animal in me! #
Olivia & Sue: # Let's get physical, physical! #
# I want to get physical! #
# Let's get into physical! #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk, bah-bah-body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-bah body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Let's get physical. #
Mercedes Jones: Whew!
Mercedes & Brittany: Again, again, again, again, Again, again, again, again!
Artie Abrams: Yeah. I need to learn to do this verse.
Brittany S. Pierce: All day.
Kurt Hummel: All righty.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, listen up. Another week has almost passed. If a list goes up again later today, this issue is out of my hands, and it becomes Principal Figgins' jurisdiction.
Finn Hudson: Seriously, Mr. Schue, whoever made that list is not gonna come forward. We might as well just bend over and take whatever's coming.
Will Schuester: Fine. Okay. Well, then, uh, let's get to it. Rachel, how about you show us your bad reputation project?
Rachel Berry: I'd like to say a few words first. Though I understand that a motion picture should stand on its own, I do realize that some of you are not well-versed in the complex vocabulary of the filmic arts. I expect that this video will go over some of the heads of our less-cultured teammates. So let me just say I hope you enjoy my "Bad Reputation." Lights. Okay, go.
# Ooh, Daddy, please don't #
# It wasn't his fault #
# He means so much to me! #
# Daddy, please don't, we're gonna get married #
# Just you wait and see #
Noah Puckerman: # Every night the same old dream #
# I hate to close my eyes #
# I can't erase the memory #
# The sound of Julie's cry #
# She called me up late that night #
# And she said, "Joe, don't come over #
# "My dad and I just had a fight #
# "And he stormed out the door! #
# "I've never seen him act this way #
# "My God, he's going crazy! #
# "He said he's gonna make you pay #
# "For what we've done #
# He's got a gun, so run, Joey!" #
# Joey, run! #
Rachel Berry: # Daddy, please don't #
# It wasn't his fault, he means so much to me #
# Daddy, please don't #
# We're gonna get married #
# Just you wait and see #
Jesse St. James: # Got in my car and drove like mad #
# Till I reached Julie's place #
# She ran to me, with tear-filled eyes #
# And bruises on her face #
# All at once, I saw him there #
# Sneaking up behind me #
Rachel Berry: # Watch out! #
Jesse St. James: # Then Julie yelled, "He's got a gun!" #
# And she stepped in front of me #
Finn Hudson: # Then, suddenly, a shot rang out #
# And I saw Julie falling #
# I ran to her, I held her close #
# When I looked down, my hands were red #
# And here's the last words #
# Julie said... #
Rachel Berry: # Daddy, please don't, it wasn't his fault #
# He means so much to me #
# Daddy, please don't #
# We're gonna get married... #
Noah Puckerman: # Run, Joey, run #
Jesse St. James: # Joey, run, Joey, run #
Finn Hudson: # Joey, run, Joey, run! #
Rachel Berry: Well, why don't we just, um, take a moment to really absorb what we've just watched.
Finn Hudson: This is garbage!
Will Schuester: Finn!
Noah Puckerman: No, he's right. First of all, I need to trust my instincts more because I had a feeling when we were shooting that, that it was not going to be good.
Jesse St. James: Why didn't you tell me they were in this, too? I thought you and I were going out. Being triple-cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend? It's mortifying.
Rachel Berry: It was an artistic statement.
Finn Hudson: No. It wasn't! It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot slutty girl singer! How could you do this to me; to all us guys? Is your stupid reputation more important than your relationships?
Rachel Berry: Jesse, wait!



Jean Sylvester: I saw your video, Sue! You were fabulous!
Sue Sylvester: You know, I have to thank you, Jean. You always know exactly what to say to me when I lose my way. Turns out all I needed was an attitude change. I forgot how good it feels to give back. I've spent so much time worrying about what other people thought about me, when there's really only one person in the world I want to impress.
Jean Sylvester: Who?
Sue Sylvester: Who? You, silly.So, yesterday, I walked back into that teachers' lounge, and I calmly informed them of my unlikely skyrocket to showbiz fame, and very gently told them all I just didn't care what they thought about me.



Sue Sylvester: What's that? Oh, look. Sue Sylvester is a top 700 recording artist, people! Who's laughing now, huh?



Sue Sylvester: Now, since Olivia is giving her cut of the proceeds to injured manatees, I've decided to give all of my profits to this nursing home. It's not going to be much. Olivia totally screwed me in negotiations. I won't be working with her again, but it should be enough for a couple of benches out back for the summer. Maybe a little vegetable garden for you to putter ound in.
Jean Sylvester: That'd be nice.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. Now, after all these years, how is it that you still know so much more about everything than I do?
Jean Sylvester: I'm the smart one.
Sue Sylvester: You got the looks, too. How is that fair?
Jean Sylvester: Ah, thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Let's say we crack open a book, huh?
Jean Sylvester: Okay.
Sue Sylvester: See that— the two little bears?
Jean Sylvester: That's you and I.
Sue Sylvester: That's right. I'm the big one, right?
Jean Sylvester: And I'm the small one.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you're the tiny one. And what does that say?
Jean Sylvester: "I always love you."
Sue Sylvester: "And I will always love you."



Will Schuester: Hey. Uh, these are for you.
Emma Pillsbury: They're lovely. Thank you.
Will Schuester: Um... I-I messed up, Emma. I think, in all of this "discovering who I am" business, I took a couple of wrong turns. And I get how those detours might have hurt you. But now I know that that's not who I am or who I want to be.
Emma Pillsbury: I know what's supposed to happen now. I'm supposed to smile and be impressed by how in touch you are with your feelings and moon over the fact that you care about me so much, but, um... I can't.
Will Schuester: But, Emily, th-this is... This is killing me. I just... I want you to look at me the way you used to.
Emma Pillsbury: I can't. But you know what, that's a good thing. Really, if this relationship is ever going to work between the two of us, we have to start seeing each other for who we really are. Thank you for the flowers.



Will Schuester: I know you're behind the Glist.
Quinn Fabray: You have no proof. I can't believe that you're going to pin this on me. I'll be expelled. I mean, it makes sense. Everything else has been taken from me— my popularity, my body. Might as well throw away my education.
Will Schuester: You know when I realized that you did it? The moment I felt what it was like to walk in your shoes. I mean, it takes years to build a good reputation, but only seconds to destroy it. Couple bad choices, and you go from the top to the bottom. You have lost so much, Quinn. Which means you had the most to gain from the Glist.
Quinn Fabray: I never meant to hurt anybody.
Will Schuester: I know.
Quinn Fabray: I... I was captain of the cheerleading squad, president of the Celibacy Club. I had Finn. People would part like the Red Sea when I walked down the hallway. Now I'm invisible.
Will Schuester: And you think being seen as a cheap tramp is better?
Quinn Fabray: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all.
Will Schuester: Look, I know that high school feels like your whole life right now, but it's going to end. You're going to give that baby to a family who really wants it, who's going to love it, and then you are going to go on to do amazing things, Quinn.
Quinn Fabray: You really think that I can get it all back one day?
Will Schuester: No. I think you can get something even better. I mean, come on. You're Quinn Fabray, right? I mean, those people didn't part when you walked down the halls; you moved them with your attitude.
Quinn Fabray: Thanks, Mr. Schue. You're a really good teacher— even if everybody is calling you a man-whore.
Principal Figgins: You wanted to see me, William? I trust you have come up with the perpetrators of the Glist.
Will Schuester: I, um... I grilled every single one of my students, and, uh... no one. No one copped to making the Glist. They all closed ranks and wouldn't rat out who did it.
Principal Figgins: That's poppycock, Will. I will not let this school be held hostage by juvenile shenanigans.
Will Schuester: I know, but... I mean, your point has been made. The Glists have stopped. I think we should just call this a victory and move on.
Principal Figgins: Fine. I'm still praying for you, Will.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you.



Rachel Berry: Hi. Are you still mad at me?
Jesse St. James: You know, before I transferred here to make you my girlfriend, I asked around about you, found out your rep, what kind of girl you were.
Rachel Berry: What did they say?
Jesse St. James: Most of them had no idea who you were. The ones that did said you were kind of sneaky hot, but that that quality was canceled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affinity for sweaters with animals on them. The most interesting part was... That, even though no one particularly liked you, they all said you were a person who could be trusted.
Rachel Berry: I still am. I have this pathological need to be popular, okay? I... I just want people to think I'm cool so bad sometimes that it just clouds my judgment. Okay? As a fellow star in the making, I'm... I'm sure you can understand that.
Jesse St. James: On that level, sure. But as the guy who gave up everything to be your one and only, I just can't see past this. I should have been enough for you, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I knew you'd break my heart.
Jesse St. James: Well, that's the funny thing about reputations. Everyone thinks I'm the big heartbreaker, but the fact of the matter is... You broke mine first. Do me a favor? If we end up next to each other on the bar at Ballet Club this week, just do your arabesques and piques in silence. Don't talk to me.



Finn Hudson: # Turn around #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely #
# And you're never comin' round #
Finn Hudson: # Turn around #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit tired #
# Of listening to the sound of my tears #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit terrified #
# And then I see the look in your eyes #
Finn Hudson: # Turn around, bright eyes #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
# And I need you now tonight #
# And I need you more than ever #
# And if you'll only hold me tight #
# We'll be holding on forever #
# And we'll only be making it right #
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong #
# Together we can take it to the end of the line #
# Your love is like a shadow on me #
# All of the time #
New Directions: # All of the time #
Rachel Berry: # I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark #
# You're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks #
# I really need you tonight #
# Forever's going to start tonight #
New Directions: # Forever's going to start tonight #
Rachel Berry: # Once upon a time there was light in my life #
# Now I'm only falling apart #
Finn & Rachel: # There's nothing I can say #
# Total eclipse of the heart #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
# And I need you now tonight #
# And I need you more than ever #
# And we'll only be making it right #
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong #
# Together we can take it to the end of the line #
# Your love is like a shadow on me #
# All of the time #
New Directions: # All of the time #
Rachel Berry: # I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark #
# You're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks #
# I really need you tonight #
# Forever's going to start tonight #
New Directions: # Forever's going to start tonight #
Rachel Berry: # Once upon a time, I was falling in love #
Rachel & Jesse: # Now I'm only falling apart #
# There's nothing I can do #
# Total eclipse of the heart #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes. #


Ian Brennan: So here's whad on Glee: Jesse left Vocal Adrenaline...
Jesse St. James: I'm a star. You can learn from me.
Ian Brennan: So he could date Rachel, so now he's part of the glee club.
Will Schuester: Great to have you here.
Ian Brennan: And they're the new power couple. Previous power couples: Rachel and Finn...
Rachel Berry: I made us his and her relationship calendars.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Ian Brennan: ... also, Rachel and Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Want to make out?
Rachel Berry: Sure.
Ian Brennan: Will still has a crush on Emma...
Will Schuester: I could just lean over and kiss you if I want to. And I want to.
Ian Brennan: But he hasn't divorced Terri yet, and he made out with the coach of Vocal Adrenaline.
Shelby Corcoran: Most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay.
Ian Brennan: And Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Sloppy freak show babies!
Ian Brennan: Still just kind of angry about everything.
Sue Sylvester: Who wants a piece of it? Huh?
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Finn Hudson: What's so funny?
Rachel Berry: You guys aren't watching the video of me falling off stage at my first TinyTots beauty pageant, are you?
Kurt Hummel: That was Carrot Top funny compared to this comedic tour de force.
Jesse St. James: That's Olivia Newton-John's "Physical." It was pretty groundbreaking subject matter at the time, considering it's depiction of fluid sexuality.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my good...
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait. That's not Olivia Newton-John. That's, that's Sue Sylvester. Where did you get this?
Kurt Hummel: I can tell you that I certainly did not steal it from her locked file cabinet yesterday when she sent me back to her office to get her hormone replacement injection during Cheerios practice.
Artie Abrams: Wait, did she just do the Cabbage Patch?
Finn Hudson: I'm posting this on YouTube.
Rachel Berry: No, no, wait, wait. Do you think that's a good idea? She might kill us.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through.
Jesse St. James: I'm with Finn. You guys need to stop being such asses and start being bad-asses.
Finn Hudson: Ten bucks it goes viral by lunch.


# Let's get animal, animal... #


Dave Karofsky: Hey, Ms. Sylvester. Let's get physical.
Sue Sylvester: Not really my type, but I like that attitude.
Azimio Adams: Hey, Sue! Let's get animal!



Sue Sylvester: That glee club stole my private property and posted it online. And as soon as I figure out the difference between slander and libel, I'm filing a lawsuit.
Will Schuester: Sue, don't you think you might be overstating this a little?
Sue Sylvester: Will, I may buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby's ass. That video has received over 170, 000 comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few.
Principal Figgins: "The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester."
Sue Sylvester: That was particularly hurtful.
Will Schuester: You know, Sue, there are a lot of people at this school who dislike you. My kids don't do stuff like this.
Sue Sylvester: Is that so? Exhibit B.
Will Schuester: What's a "Glist"?
Sue Sylvester: It's the "Glee List" William. It's a weekly ranking of your glee club, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently, you get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.
Will Schuester: What makes you think my kids did this?
Principal Figgins: This Glist was made on a library computer using the pass code "gleeclub."
Sue Sylvester: Your glee club is a petri dish of sexual depravity.
Principal Figgins: Sue's right, Will. Why, only last year, a list was posted ranking Mckinley's ten ugliest Gingers. And the perpetrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a member of the faculty!
Sue Sylvester: I stand by that list.
Principal Figgins: William, this is serious. I cannot have an environment that sexualizes children and damages their self-esteem!
Sue Sylvester: You know, a week ago, had I fod a list that so degraded the glee club, I would've been embarrassed I was beaten to the punch. But now I know the white-hot shame of public rebuke— that pain is indescribable.
Principal Figgins: William, last year, at West Dayton High, a photo circulated of school superintendent...
Sue Sylvester: And what was he wearing?
Principal Figgins: Women's lingerie.
Sue Sylvester: And what was he riding?
Principal Figgins: Pony!
Sue Sylvester: And who was expelled?
Principal Figgins: The entire school!
Sue Sylvester: The entire school was expelled, will!
Will Schuester: What does that have to do with me?
Principal Figgins: You must find out who made the Glist and suspend them before they post another one, or I'm holding the entire glee club responsible!
Will Schuester: Are you serious?
Principal Figgins: Deadly serious! I cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
Sue Sylvester: He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!



Will Schuester: Who did it? This is serious. Principal Figgins is threatening to disband the club.
Santana Lopez: Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck.
Noah Puckerman: Back off. I didn't do squat.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Then why is your girlfriend first on the Glist?
Rachel Berry: And why am I last? Aside from the fact that I refused to put out for you.
Will Schuester: Okay, enough! No one is accusing anyone of anything. Puck, seriously, did you do it?
Noah Puckerman: I said no. I'm a delinquent, sure. I like setting Stuff on fire and ating up people I don't know. I own at. But I'm not a liar.
Will Schuester: All right, here's the important point. Between this and posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube, you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation.
Artie Abrams: Why is that a bad thing? Maybe if we seem more dangerous, people would stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.
Will Schuester: Look, things are hard right now. I get it. You're under a lot of pressure with regionals coming up. And I know that winning sectionals hasn't had the positive effect on your popularity that a lot of you thought it would. But becoming what you despise is not the answer.
Mercedes Jones: Man, this song is wack.
Will Schuester: No, it's not. It's a terrific song on a long list of top hits that, because of time or some bad press, has become a joke. And, like you guys, it's time to start rehabilitating its bad reputation. The assignment for the week is for all of you to find songs like this, mine them for what works and make them great again. And then, hopefully, can apply this musical lesson to your own lives.
Jesse St. James: This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking.
Will Schuester: You want to bet?
Artie Abrams: Oh, no, he didn't.
Will Schuester: Hit it.
# Yo, V.I.P. #
# Let's kick it #
New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
Will Schuester: # All right, stop, collaborate and listen #
# Ice is back with a brand-new invention #
# Something grabs ahold of me tightly #
# Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly #
# Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know #
# Turn off the lights, huh #
# And I'll glow, to the extreme #
# I rock a mic like a vandal #
# Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle #
# Dance, go rush the speaker that booms #
# I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom #
# Deadly, when I play a dope melody #
# Anything less than the best is a felony #
# Love it or leave it, you better gangway #
# You better hit the bull's-eye #
# The kid don't play #
# If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it #
# Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it #
New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
Oh!
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
Will Schuester: # Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet #
# Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it #
# My town that created all th bass sound, enough to shake #
# And kick holes in the ground 'cause my style's #
# Like a chemical spill #
# Feasible rhymes you can vision and feel #
# Conducted and formed, that's a hell of a concept #
# We make it hype and you want to step with this #
# Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja #
# Cut like a razor blade #
# So fast, other DJs say, "damn" #
# If my rhyme was a drug #
# I'd sell it by the gram, keep my composure #
# When it's time to get loose #
# Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice #
# If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it #
# Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it #
New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Too cold, too cold #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby.
Will Schuester: # Yo, man, let's get out of here. Word to your mother. #
This song is officially paroled! Right, Jesse? You got me?



Sue Sylvester: This is not happening. The cruel slow-motion laughter is just your imagination. You're Sue Sylvester— legend. They're not laughing at you because of your "Physical" video. Just calmly pour yourself a cup of joe and focus. Wait, what's that smell? Dear God, that's coffee. It's usually masked by the smell of fear. Sweet merciful Lord, this is happening! You're being laughed at in slow motion by a roomful of inferiors whom you used to terrify.
Brenda Castle: The name is Brenda. Brenda Castle. I just transferred from Fort Wayne. I can't teach in Indiana anymore 'cause I have some "drug problems" that ended up involving some of my "shoot-ins." I saw your video. And you, my friend, are an embarrassment. And that's me talking!



Rachel Berry: I need to enlist the services of the A/V Club.
Artie Abrams: What did you have in mind?
Rachel Berry: My shame at appearing so low on the Glist has made me reevaluate my image at this school and beyond. I've now realized that in today's culture of bad boy athletes and celebrity sex tapes, a good reputation is no good at all. Artie, you know how our Glee Club assignment was to find a song with a bad reputation and rehabilitate it? Well, mine is going to afford me the worst reputation in this school. Rachel Berry is going to get a little down and dirty.
Artie Abrams: I'm going to stop you. You had me at "sex tape." How can I help?
Rachel Berry: Hold onto your hat, because Rachel Berry is going to become : musically promiscuous.



Kurt Hummel: Because our free-falling reps have reached terminal velocity. We are at Defcon One.
Mercedes Jones: We're such zeros they didn't even bother putting us on the Glist.
Kurt Hummel: What does a C-lister do when their tiny star is about to fall off Perez Hilton's radar screen? They cause a scandal so extreme they can no longer be ignored.
Artie Abrams: Um, excuse me. Why is she here?
Brittany S. Pierce: I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave. But I also don't know why I've only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school. Girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor. I need to do something to get into the top three.
Kurt Hummel: Fine, you're in.
Mercedes Jones: In what? We don't even have a plan.
Kurt Hummel: What is the worst thing a student can do at this school?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Eat in the cafeteria?
Kurt Hummel: No, be a disruption in the library. And I'm not talking about trying to check out a reference book. Mm-mm. I'm talking about full-on chaos— including getting your Glee on in the stacks.
Artie Abrams: Genius.



Sue Sylvester: I never really understood how hard it is to be laughed at. Particularly in slow motion. I try to make it seem like nothing can touch me, but... Boy... Jean, I'm so sorry you ever felt that way. I'm sorry I didn't protect you more.
Jean Sylvester: Remember what we used to do, Sue? Whenever I got sad, we'd help at the animal shelter, to give back.
Sue Sylvester: Because there's always someone who's got it worse than you do.



Emma Pillsbury: I'm a little confused.
Sue Sylvester: I understand. You're probably wondering, what exactly does Sue Sylvester mean when she says, "I'm your new therapist"? Well, let me explain. As you may or may not know, I star in a little music video that's been circulating around the Web. A video that has a tendency to induce cruel, slow-motion laughter.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, didn't-didn't know about that.
Sue Sylvester: Well, this video has inspired Sue Sylvester to start giving back. I happen to have my Masters in counseling, and when I heard that our school district's one and only psychologist had committed suicide, well, I decided to volunteer my services. And they gave me your name.I'd really like to help.
Emma Pillsbury: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sue Sylvester: Ella, you're crippled by mental illness. Your compulsions have estranged you from your own feelings. You nearly married a gym teacher who's more gravy than man. And you're content to be repeatedly lied to by the man you purport to love.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm sorry?
Sue Sylvester: I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to slip baby monitors under his couch, and under his bed. Turns out he's been having make out sessions with the coach from Vocal Adrenaline, and sleepovers with that world-class banana magnet April Rhodes.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my God.
Sue Sylvester: You need to make a bold move. You suck.
Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me?
Sue Sylvester: You take weird little strides when you walk, as if you were raised in imperial Japan and someone bound your feet.
Emma Pillsbury: You make a valid point.
Sue Sylvester: Grow a pair. I'm insulting you. You refuse to stand up for yourself, you're so afraid of confrontation.
Emma Pillsbury: You're right.
Sue Sylvester: If you want to get better, you need to start communicating your feelings. You need to let Will Schuester know how he's made you feel, and in a public setting, so he can'escape, and he won't manipulate you. Trust me— you need to let him have it.



Rachel Berry: Do you know that when we dated, the rest of the school gave us a nickname? Puckleberry.
Noah Puckerman: That's humiliating.
Rachel Berry: The fact is that slumming it with me actually improved your reputation. It gave you a sense of humanity.
Noah Puckerman: Wait— do you want to date again? I was wondering why you invited me here.
Rachel Berry: As you know, I'm taken. But I can be of some assistance. Help me with my song for Glee Club. I might be the last chance you have to salvage what's left of your reputation, and stay in Glee. Besides, you need a song that going to help you express your inner pain.
Noah Puckerman: So what song do you want to do for your assignment?
Rachel Berry: I've chosen David Geddes' fantastically terrible '70s top ten hit— "Run Joey Run." It's a story song. So we get to play parts. I'm going to play the role of the tragic heroine who dies in the end, A la Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. And you can be the hunky, heroic male lead.
Noah Puckerman: Do I get to kill you?
Rachel Berry: Actually, my dad shoots me with a shotgun.
Noah Puckerman: Do you think I made that Glist? Honestly.
Rachel Berry: Well, it does sound like something that you would do.
Noah Puckerman: God, I'm so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I've made. I try to be a good guy. I go to school and I say, "Be cool, Puck. Be nice." But by second period, I've got a fire extinguisher in my hands and I'm spraying some dweeb with it and I don't know how I got there.
Rachel Berry: I understand. Yeah. I sit in Glee Club and I watch a couple of imperfect performances and a litany of criticisms just start building up inside of me like a volcano and I keep telling myself to hold it in and then it just comes bursting out. Granted, generally I'm right, but doesn't do much for my reputation.
Noah Puckerman: It does suck when you do that.
Rachel Berry: So, uh, how do you think we can get people to see us differently?
Noah Puckerman: I don't know.
Rachel Berry: I can't— I can't do this.
Noah Puckerman: You know, whoever made that Glist is going to put you at number one when they find out you cheated on that Jesse kid with me. Besides, Jesse will never fully understand what it means to be a Jew.
Rachel Berry: Noah... I'm ironically turned on by your bad boy image, but I think we should just keep this professional.
Noah Puckerman: All right, I'm out. Why should I stay if there's no chance of us making out?
Rachel Berry: Noah, please come and sit down and let's work on the project. Okay, it'll help us both. I promise.



Emma Pillsbury: I don't think I can do this. Are you sure this is a good idea?
Sue Sylvester: Stop thinking about him and do it for yourself.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God. Okay, let's do this.
Sue Sylvester: Nah, can't go in the teacher's lounge. Lots of cruel, slow-motion laughter going on in there.
Brenda Castle: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughingstock.
Sue Sylvester: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco.
Brenda Castle: It's a date. That's just a typical Saturday night in the Castle condo.
Sue Sylvester: I think it's mornings...
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Sue Sylvester: Go get 'em.
Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me.
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Em, can you just give us a sec?
Emma Pillsbury: Actually no. Will, I can't give you a sec. You're just going to have to reschedul your heavy petting session with Mrs. Carlisle for a later time.
Will Schuester: Emma!
Mrs. Carlisle: I beg your pardon? I was just telling Mr. Schuester about how my husband recently died.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Getting them fresh off the rebound now, aren't you? Amazing. Nobody's safe. Nobody is safe.
Will Schuester: Emma, can I talk to you in private?
Emma Pillsbury: No, you can't. Will, we're going to talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun; it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes.
Will Schuester: How did you find out about that?
Emma Pillsbury: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure out things on your own, I thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I am finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you. I'm very sorry for your loss.



Mercedes Jones: Looks like we got a full house, y'all.
Artie Abrams: I'm kind of getting cold feet here.
Brittany S. Pierce: Can you even feel your feet?
Ancient Librarian: Shh!
Kurt Hummel: Team, listen up. If we pull this off, we will be legends at this school.We'll rocket up the Glist. We will be top-five, easy. Artie, pump up the jam. It's about to go down.
Artie Abrams: # You can't touch this. #
# My, my, my music hits me so hard #
# Can't touch this #
# Makes me say, oh, my Lord #
# Thank you for blessing me #
# With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet #
# It feels good, when you know you're down #
# A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown #
# And I'm known as such #
# And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch #
# I told you, homeboy #
# Can't touch this #
# Yo, let me bust this funky lyric #
# Can't touch this #
# Fresh new kicks advance, you gotta like that #
# Now you know you wanna dance #
# So move, outta your seat #
# And get a fly girl and catch this beat #
# While it's rolling, hold on #
# Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's going on #
# Like that, like that #
# Cold on a mission so fall them back #
# Let 'em know that you're too much #
# And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch #
All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Yo, I told you, can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # You can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Damn, you can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # I told you, can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Too high, you can't touch this #
All: # Oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Yo, we out of here, can't touch this. #
Here it comes.
Ancient Librarian: That was very cute. I'm gonna talk to my pastor and see if I can't get you kids to perform that for our Sunday service.



Will Schuester: Look, I don't like doing this any more than you do, but if I don't find out who made that Glist and stop another one from being published, the whole Glee Club's going down. And I can't let that happen.
Finn Hudson: Look, I know I've been kind of angry lately, and sometimes I kick over chairs and stuff, but I didn't do it.
Will Schuester: All the pieces fit, Finn. You have a very big axe to grind with several people on that Glist. Quinn broke your heart, Puck betrayed your friendship, you're dealing with Kurt's dad dating your mom, and I happen to know you've had your ups and downs with Santana and Brittany...
Mercedes Jones: I have nothing against Santana, and I like Brittany. Quinn's the one who has a beef with them.
Will Schuester: Well, there are an awful lot of Cheerios! On that Glist. Isn't it true that you still feel like an outcast in that group?
Mercedes Jones: I don't know what you're talking about. I like being a Cheerio. And why does everyone just assume I'm angry all the time? It's called being sassy, Mr. Schue.
Artie Abrams: It's simple math, Mr. Schue. The Glists are posted at a height of five and a half feet, comfortably out of my reach. It could not have been me. And I have it on good word that...
Tina Cohen-Chang: I saw Puckutting up the Glist in the hallway.
Noah Puckerman: I was moving it! Somebody put it up on Rachel's locker, so I moved it. I was being a man, doing the right thing.
Will Schuester: Puck, at some point, the lies are going to stop, and you're going to start to sing.
Noah Puckerman: If I did it, why would I put myself at number three? As far as bad-asses go, I'm number wha. I'll say it again, I didn't do it!
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know how to turn on a computer.
Quinn Fabray: Rachel did it. Think about it: I stole the guy she's in love with, then I stole the guy she dated to get over the guy she's in love with. And I'm kind of a bitch to her.
Will Schuester: Just doesn't seem like Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: She's gone behind your back before. And I mean, who's to say that there's only one culprit?
Will Schuester: Look, I know you know something! So we're not leaving here until I get some answers.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schuester, may I be blunt?
Will Schuester: Shoot.
Kurt Hummel: Ever since you separated from your wife, you've spent a lot of late nights watching reruns of Law and Order, haven't you? Hmm. Thought so. And no, I didn't make the Glist.
Will Schuester: Right.



Kurt Hummel: We're as menacing as Muppet Babies. Which means our squeaky-clean reputations are still very much intact.
Artie Abrams: We have to do what we've been dreading, something more terrifying than Rachel's personality— We have to go to Sylvester and admit that we posted the Physical video.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But we'll get suspended.
Kurt Hummel: And it will be worth it. Finally the entire student body will see us as bad-asses.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I don't know how much longer I can take the humiliation. The video has just surpassed three million hits. Is my misery some kind of karmic retribution for the way I've treated people? You're go for Sue.
Olivia Newton-John: Hello? Sue? It's Olivia Newton-John, star of Grease— the most successful movie musical of all time.
Sue Sylvester: Nice try. And that's a ridiculous accent.
Olivia Newton-John: Uh...
Sue Sylvester: Journal, I've learned my lesson. Sue Sylvester's gotta start playing nice full-time.
Olivia Newton-John: Hi! Uh, we must have been cut off. It's Olivia Newton-John. I released a record seven-consecutive number one singles.
Sue Sylvester: Sing something.
Olivia Newton-John: # Let's get physical #
# Physical... #
Olivia Newton-John: That song was the best-selling record of the '80s. Listen, Sue, I'm headed for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a sanctuary for orphaned koalas, but I heard my daughter Chloe laughing at something on the Internet the other day, and I saw your video. And I just have to ask, whatever would possess a person to do something like that?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I gotta tell you, Olivia, that video was never meant for public consumption. Some people enjoy videotaping themselves being intimate with a partner. I happen to enjoy revisiting the impeccable form of my various jazzercise routines.
Olivia Newton-John: Well, it got me thinking. You know, that song was the biggest hit of my career. "Physical" spent ten weeks at number one.
Sue Sylvester: It's a classic.
Olivia Newton-John: I agree. Unfortunately, I botched the video, which, by the way, was one of the first music videos ever. But I filled it with obese guys in spandex, and it went over the top, and the song went with it. But I saw your YouTube video, Sue, and I realized that now is the time to save it— and possibly you. I'll be in Ohio tomorrow chairing a benefit for Save the Rainforests at King's Island.
Sue Sylvester: I don't understand.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, man-whore.
Brenda Castle: Will Schuester? Yeah. I'm Brenda Castle. I'm the new astronomy teacher and badminton coach. I also happen to be an alcoholic, and... I like pills. I hear that's just your type. Let's go in this classroom and pork!
Will Schuester: No.
Principal Figgins: I am praying for you, William. We've all heard about your gallivanting!
Will Schuester: But nothing happened!
Ken Tanaka: Maybe that's not what matters, Will. You broke the heart of somebody who doesn't let people get close to her.
Will Schuester: I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Ken Tanaka: You probably didn't mean to hurt me, either, but lately I've been feeding my feelings to the tune of 6, 000 calories a day.
Sue Sylvester: Slut.



Artie Abrams: Remember— if Sylvester hits you in the fbce after you cop to posting the video, don't scream like a woman.
Mercedes Jones: You're so brave for doing this, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: I know. Thank you.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God...
Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester, can I have just a minute of your time?
Sue Sylvester: What do you want, ladyface?
Kurt Hummel: You're aware a tape was leaked onto the Internet, causing you to become a national laughingstock? We stole the tape from your syringe-and-pill drawer. We posted it online. We'll accept whatever punishment you see fit.
Sue Sylvester: So it was you. I can't thank you enough.



Artie Abrams: She wasn't angry at all. It was weird.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe the comments online have gotten so mean, people have started to feel sorry for her. She's finally getting some sympathy, so she's in a forgiving mood.
Kurt Hummel: Wait a second. Take a look at this.
Mercedes Jones: Isn't that... ?
Olivia Newton-John: # Physical, physical, physical, physical, physical #
# I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like #
# Making good conversation #
# I gotta handle you just right #
# You know what I mean? #
Sue Sylvester: # I took you to an intimate restaurant #
# Then to a suggestive movie #
# There's nothing left to talk about #
# Unless it's horizontally #
Olivia & Sue: # Let's get physical, physical! #
# I wanna get physical! #
# Let's get into physical! #
# Let me hear your body talk, your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Body talk #
# Let's get physical, physical! #
# I want to get physical! #
# Let's get into physical #
# Let me hear your body talk, your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk #
Olivia Newton-John: # I been patient, I been good #
# Trying to keep my hands on the table #
# It's getting hard, this holding back #
# You know what I mean? #
# What I mean? #
Sue Sylvester: # I'm sure you'll understand my point of view #
# We know each other mentally #
# You've gotta know that you're bringin' out the animal in me! #
Olivia & Sue: # Let's get physical, physical! #
# I want to get physical! #
# Let's get into physical! #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk, bah-bah-body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-bah body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Let's get physical. #
Mercedes Jones: Whew!
Mercedes & Brittany: Again, again, again, again, Again, again, again, again!
Artie Abrams: Yeah. I need to learn to do this verse.
Brittany S. Pierce: All day.
Kurt Hummel: All righty.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, listen up. Another week has almost passed. If a list goes up again later today, this issue is out of my hands, and it becomes Principal Figgins' jurisdiction.
Finn Hudson: Seriously, Mr. Schue, whoever made that list is not gonna come forward. We might as well just bend over and take whatever's coming.
Will Schuester: Fine. Okay. Well, then, uh, let's get to it. Rachel, how about you show us your bad reputation project?
Rachel Berry: I'd like to say a few words first. Though I understand that a motion picture should stand on its own, I do realize that some of you are not well-versed in the complex vocabulary of the filmic arts. I expect that this video will go over some of the heads of our less-cultured teammates. So let me just say I hope you enjoy my "Bad Reputation." Lights. Okay, go.
# Ooh, Daddy, please don't #
# It wasn't his fault #
# He means so much to me! #
# Daddy, please don't, we're gonna get married #
# Just you wait and see #
Noah Puckerman: # Every night the same old dream #
# I hate to close my eyes #
# I can't erase the memory #
# The sound of Julie's cry #
# She called me up late that night #
# And she said, "Joe, don't come over #
# "My dad and I just had a fight #
# "And he stormed out the door! #
# "I've never seen him act this way #
# "My God, he's going crazy! #
# "He said he's gonna make you pay #
# "For what we've done #
# He's got a gun, so run, Joey!" #
# Joey, run! #
Rachel Berry: # Daddy, please don't #
# It wasn't his fault, he means so much to me #
# Daddy, please don't #
# We're gonna get married #
# Just you wait and see #
Jesse St. James: # Got in my car and drove like mad #
# Till I reached Julie's place #
# She ran to me, with tear-filled eyes #
# And bruises on her face #
# All at once, I saw him there #
# Sneaking up behind me #
Rachel Berry: # Watch out! #
Jesse St. James: # Then Julie yelled, "He's got a gun!" #
# And she stepped in front of me #
Finn Hudson: # Then, suddenly, a shot rang out #
# And I saw Julie falling #
# I ran to her, I held her close #
# When I looked down, my hands were red #
# And here's the last words #
# Julie said... #
Rachel Berry: # Daddy, please don't, it wasn't his fault #
# He means so much to me #
# Daddy, please don't #
# We're gonna get married... #
Noah Puckerman: # Run, Joey, run #
Jesse St. James: # Joey, run, Joey, run #
Finn Hudson: # Joey, run, Joey, run! #
Rachel Berry: Well, why don't we just, um, take a moment to really absorb what we've just watched.
Finn Hudson: This is garbage!
Will Schuester: Finn!
Noah Puckerman: No, he's right. First of all, I need to trust my instincts more because I had a feeling when we were shooting that, that it was not going to be good.
Jesse St. James: Why didn't you tell me they were in this, too? I thought you and I were going out. Being triple-cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend? It's mortifying.
Rachel Berry: It was an artistic statement.
Finn Hudson: No. It wasn't! It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot slutty girl singer! How could you do this to me; to all us guys? Is your stupid reputation more important than your relationships?
Rachel Berry: Jesse, wait!



Jean Sylvester: I saw your video, Sue! You were fabulous!
Sue Sylvester: You know, I have to thank you, Jean. You always know exactly what to say to me when I lose my way. Turns out all I needed was an attitude change. I forgot how good it feels to give back. I've spent so much time worrying about what other people thought about me, when there's really only one person in the world I want to impress.
Jean Sylvester: Who?
Sue Sylvester: Who? You, silly.So, yesterday, I walked back into that teachers' lounge, and I calmly informed them of my unlikely skyrocket to showbiz fame, and very gently told them all I just didn't care what they thought about me.



Sue Sylvester: What's that? Oh, look. Sue Sylvester is a top 700 recording artist, people! Who's laughing now, huh?



Sue Sylvester: Now, since Olivia is giving her cut of the proceeds to injured manatees, I've decided to give all of my profits to this nursing home. It's not going to be much. Olivia totally screwed me in negotiations. I won't be working with her again, but it should be enough for a couple of benches out back for the summer. Maybe a little vegetable garden for you to putter ound in.
Jean Sylvester: That'd be nice.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. Now, after all these years, how is it that you still know so much more about everything than I do?
Jean Sylvester: I'm the smart one.
Sue Sylvester: You got the looks, too. How is that fair?
Jean Sylvester: Ah, thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Let's say we crack open a book, huh?
Jean Sylvester: Okay.
Sue Sylvester: See that— the two little bears?
Jean Sylvester: That's you and I.
Sue Sylvester: That's right. I'm the big one, right?
Jean Sylvester: And I'm the small one.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you're the tiny one. And what does that say?
Jean Sylvester: "I always love you."
Sue Sylvester: "And I will always love you."



Will Schuester: Hey. Uh, these are for you.
Emma Pillsbury: They're lovely. Thank you.
Will Schuester: Um... I-I messed up, Emma. I think, in all of this "discovering who I am" business, I took a couple of wrong turns. And I get how those detours might have hurt you. But now I know that that's not who I am or who I want to be.
Emma Pillsbury: I know what's supposed to happen now. I'm supposed to smile and be impressed by how in touch you are with your feelings and moon over the fact that you care about me so much, but, um... I can't.
Will Schuester: But, Emily, th-this is... This is killing me. I just... I want you to look at me the way you used to.
Emma Pillsbury: I can't. But you know what, that's a good thing. Really, if this relationship is ever going to work between the two of us, we have to start seeing each other for who we really are. Thank you for the flowers.



Will Schuester: I know you're behind the Glist.
Quinn Fabray: You have no proof. I can't believe that you're going to pin this on me. I'll be expelled. I mean, it makes sense. Everything else has been taken from me— my popularity, my body. Might as well throw away my education.
Will Schuester: You know when I realized that you did it? The moment I felt what it was like to walk in your shoes. I mean, it takes years to build a good reputation, but only seconds to destroy it. Couple bad choices, and you go from the top to the bottom. You have lost so much, Quinn. Which means you had the most to gain from the Glist.
Quinn Fabray: I never meant to hurt anybody.
Will Schuester: I know.
Quinn Fabray: I... I was captain of the cheerleading squad, president of the Celibacy Club. I had Finn. People would part like the Red Sea when I walked down the hallway. Now I'm invisible.
Will Schuester: And you think being seen as a cheap tramp is better?
Quinn Fabray: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all.
Will Schuester: Look, I know that high school feels like your whole life right now, but it's going to end. You're going to give that baby to a family who really wants it, who's going to love it, and then you are going to go on to do amazing things, Quinn.
Quinn Fabray: You really think that I can get it all back one day?
Will Schuester: No. I think you can get something even better. I mean, come on. You're Quinn Fabray, right? I mean, those people didn't part when you walked down the halls; you moved them with your attitude.
Quinn Fabray: Thanks, Mr. Schue. You're a really good teacher— even if everybody is calling you a man-whore.
Principal Figgins: You wanted to see me, William? I trust you have come up with the perpetrators of the Glist.
Will Schuester: I, um... I grilled every single one of my students, and, uh... no one. No one copped to making the Glist. They all closed ranks and wouldn't rat out who did it.
Principal Figgins: That's poppycock, Will. I will not let this school be held hostage by juvenile shenanigans.
Will Schuester: I know, but... I mean, your point has been made. The Glists have stopped. I think we should just call this a victory and move on.
Principal Figgins: Fine. I'm still praying for you, Will.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you.



Rachel Berry: Hi. Are you still mad at me?
Jesse St. James: You know, before I transferred here to make you my girlfriend, I asked around about you, found out your rep, what kind of girl you were.
Rachel Berry: What did they say?
Jesse St. James: Most of them had no idea who you were. The ones that did said you were kind of sneaky hot, but that that quality was canceled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affinity for sweaters with animals on them. The most interesting part was... That, even though no one particularly liked you, they all said you were a person who could be trusted.
Rachel Berry: I still am. I have this pathological need to be popular, okay? I... I just want people to think I'm cool so bad sometimes that it just clouds my judgment. Okay? As a fellow star in the making, I'm... I'm sure you can understand that.
Jesse St. James: On that level, sure. But as the guy who gave up everything to be your one and only, I just can't see past this. I should have been enough for you, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I knew you'd break my heart.
Jesse St. James: Well, that's the funny thing about reputations. Everyone thinks I'm the big heartbreaker, but the fact of the matter is... You broke mine first. Do me a favor? If we end up next to each other on the bar at Ballet Club this week, just do your arabesques and piques in silence. Don't talk to me.



Finn Hudson: # Turn around #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely #
# And you're never comin' round #
Finn Hudson: # Turn around #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit tired #
# Of listening to the sound of my tears #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit terrified #
# And then I see the look in your eyes #
Finn Hudson: # Turn around, bright eyes #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
# And I need you now tonight #
# And I need you more than ever #
# And if you'll only hold me tight #
# We'll be holding on forever #
# And we'll only be making it right #
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong #
# Together we can take it to the end of the line #
# Your love is like a shadow on me #
# All of the time #
New Directions: # All of the time #
Rachel Berry: # I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark #
# You're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks #
# I really need you tonight #
# Forever's going to start tonight #
New Directions: # Forever's going to start tonight #
Rachel Berry: # Once upon a time there was light in my life #
# Now I'm only falling apart #
Finn & Rachel: # There's nothing I can say #
# Total eclipse of the heart #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes #
Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
# And I need you now tonight #
# And I need you more than ever #
# And we'll only be making it right #
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong #
# Together we can take it to the end of the line #
# Your love is like a shadow on me #
# All of the time #
New Directions: # All of the time #
Rachel Berry: # I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark #
# You're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks #
# I really need you tonight #
# Forever's going to start tonight #
New Directions: # Forever's going to start tonight #
Rachel Berry: # Once upon a time, I was falling in love #
Rachel & Jesse: # Now I'm only falling apart #
# There's nothing I can do #
# Total eclipse of the heart #
Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes. #
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記載日

 2011年12月30日