Glee - Season 1 Episodes 18-201

118. Laryngitis

放送日:2010年5月11日


Ian Brennan: So here's what happened last week: Kurt found a video of Sue, and the glee club posted it online.
Brenda Castle: You, my friend, are an embarrassment.
Ian Brennan: Then somebody made a "glist" of who in the glee club was the naughtiest, so Rachel tried to seem like a bad girl by doing a video with Finn, Puck and Jesse, but mostly it just hurt their feelings and the song was really, really bad. With Shelby Corcoran and that, one time, April Rhodes spent the night, which totally hurt Emma's feelings.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm through with you.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Brittany S. Pierce: Who is that guy?



Noah Puckerman: My mom found a mole on my head when she was washing my hair on Friday.
Santana Lopez: Your mom still washes your hair?
Noah Puckerman: She started crying about sun block and how she's always telling me to wear a hat when I'm cleaning pools. So, she made me go see Dr. Friedlander, the dermatologist. He said he had to shave my head to get a closer look at it. It was nothing— they maimed me over a freaking freckle!I feel like that guy that lost all his hair, then lost all his strength.
Santana Lopez: Samson?
Noah Puckerman: Agassi. This morning, people actually had the balls to look me in the eye. I mean, it's just a Mohawk, right? I'm still Puckasaurus.
Santana Lopez: Actually, I don't know if it's the missing Mohawk or the whining, but I am totally not turned on by you right now.



Noah Puckerman: You got a problem?
Jacob Ben Israel: Clearly, you're not a follower of my LarryHair account on Twitter. We've been tweeting all day about your new look. You're like a toddler with a loose lid on his sippy cup. No more juice. Get ready for payback, Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: All right. I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad? Wait a second. That black chick from Glee Club used to suck, and now she's all kinds of popular.
Mercedes Jones: # A Cheerio... #
Noah Puckerman: If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can. But how? I'm not becoming a Cheerio. Wait— I don't need to be a cheerleader, I just need to date one.
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah... #
Noah Puckerman: Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remembe right now, the Puckster is about to make you his.



Will Schuester: Um... Wait, what are these?
Rachel Berry: My vitamin supplements. I'm taking them three times a day. I'm exhausted. I even felt a tickle in the back of my throat, and I never get sick.
Will Schuester: Well, I just don't understand why you're so tired all of a sudden.
Rachel Berry: Because every song I sing in here is a solo. As you know, I have perfect pitch, which also means I have a very sensitive ear. None of them were singing. I knew I needed proof, so I had a little talk with Lauren Zizes, president of the AV club.
Lauren Zizes: Bug the choir room? I'm almost offended by the simplicity of the request.
Rachel Berry: Just tell me you can do it, Zizes. The microphones would have to be hidden.
Lauren Zizes: Who's this guy? Who's this guy? It'll cost you two boxes of Mallomars for me and Snicker bars for my workers. Take it or leave it, Berry.
New Directions: # Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
Rachel Berry: Here are the glee club members who are not pulling their weight.
Will Schuester: This is half the club.



Mercedes Jones: Oh, man.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, sugar. Listen. I got a proposition to make. I did some research. Blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other. And Wikipedia says that King Martin Luther loved the Jews.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, you just said like ten offensive things.
Noah Puckerman: My point is, you're popular now. And I got to be honest— I need to spice up my image a little. We should join forces. It wouldn't take much. Just a little light making out. And I like a girl with curves. You got to admit, I'm easy on the eyes.
Mercedes Jones: Baby, I just am not attracted to you.Plus, I know what you do to the girls you date. You knock them up, and then you hang them out to dry.
Noah Puckerman: Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else. We just did the nasty. And she understood you can't tie me down. I'm a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, I'm going to ask you to stop, because I'm starting to get embarrassed for you. You and me would not work out. We have nothing in common. You're Top 40. I'm rhythm and blues.



Will Schuester: I am very disappointed in you guys.
Finn Hudson: Can't believe you narced on us.
Rachel Berry: Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness. I'm tired of carrying all of your weight. Regionals is in a month, guys.
Will Schuester: I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. Finn, why did you stop singing?
Finn Hudson: 'Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jesse. It kind of shook my confidence, you know?
Santana Lopez: What difference does it make? Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot.
Quinn Fabray: My baby hormones are making me moody.
Brittany S. Pierce: There are so many lyrics.
Will Schuester: A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A glee club is about a myriad of voices coming together as one. All right? This ends now. Which is why your assignment for the week is for each of you to come up with a song that best represents how you see yourself— where you are in your lives right now. Your voice. Then... you're going to stand up here and sing your hearts out. All of you.
Kurt Hummel: Solos? In front of everyone?
Will Schuester: The Glee Club has lost its voice. It's time for us to get it back.



Kurt Hummel: I am going to kill this assignment. If there's one thing that I know, it's my voice. I have exactly the same vocal range as 16th century castrato Orlando di Lasso. But you know what he didn't have? A song by Ms. Whitney Houston in his back pocket.
Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt!
Kurt Hummel: Dad? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?
Burt Hummel: Oh, I'm here to pick up Finn. I got a pair of tickets to the Reds game, and Carole said that Finn's never been a major league game. I mean, it's Cincinnati, so it's barely the major leagues, but still.
Kurt Hummel: And why wasn't I invited?
Burt Hummel: Are you kidding me? Every time I sit down to watch a game, you start in on the fact that all the players are wearing stirrup pants.
Kurt Hummel: Because there's never an excuse for stirrup pants!
Finn Hudson: Okay, I'm ready.
Burt Hummel: All right, I'll meet you by the car.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Burt Hummel: This is gonna be so great. It's gonna be great for Finn. It means a lot to his mom, too. Hey, I'll see you at home. I'll be home around midnight.



Noah Puckerman: Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad.
Mercedes Jones: Seriously? That's what you came up with?
Will Schuester: All right, guys. Let's get things started.
Rachel Berry: As I was first on the sign-up sheet, I'll kick things off.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Rachel Berry: I have chosen Miley Cyrus' "The Climb," because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds. In my case, the obstacle is you— my lackluster teammates who refuse to carry their own weight.
# I can almost see it #
# That dream I'm dreaming #
# But there's a voice inside my head saying #
# "You'll never reach it" #
# Every step I'm taking #
# Every move I make feels lost with no direction #
# My faith is shaking #
# But I gotta keep trying #
# Gotta keep my head held high... #
Will Schuester: Rachel... I think you've lost your voice.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, Ladyface. I noticed you weren't at Cheerios practice yesterday, and I don't look kindly on absenteeism.
Kurt Hummel: I'm so sorry, Ms. Sylvester. It won't happen again. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. It's my dad. He's the most important thing in the world to me. I love him. And I'm afraid that I might be losing him because of... my... sexuality.
Sue Sylvester: Your sexuality. How old are you, 16? Have you even kissed a boy?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Sue Sylvester: Have you ever kissed a girl?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Sue Sylvester: Well, then how can you possibly know what you like? You see, that's the problem with your generation. You're obsessed with labels. So you like show tunes! Doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're awful. You know, there's only one person in this world who can tell you what you are.
Kurt Hummel: Me.
Sue Sylvester: No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.
Kurt Hummel: Wait— I have an idea. Our assignment for Glee Club is to find a song that reflects our voice...
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you know what? I checked out of this conversation about a minute back. So, uh, good luck with your troubles, and I'm gonna make a habit not to stop and talk to students, 'cause this has been a colossal waste of my time.



Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt... You want to speak me?
Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad, yeah... I was just, uh, working on my Glee Club assignment, "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp.
Burt Hummel: Oh, really? I didn't think that was in your wheelhouse.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I think it's really brave for a Midwesterner like himself to, uh, write a song about such bold interior design.
Burt Hummel: You know, that's not what the song's about.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Burt Hummel: No, it's about how the '80s were a tough time for a lot of people and how the American Dream isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm. Fascinating. Hey, why don't we go grab a couple burgers and, uh, you can tell me more about it?
Burt Hummel: Sure. But I gotta be honest, that's pretty much what every Mellencamp song is about. But you know what? I'll get my coat. Anything to help you out.



Rachel Berry: What if he says I'll never sing again? I mean, who am I without my voice? I'm just this spoiled, annoying only child...
Finn Hudson: Don't say that. There's, like, so many awesome things about you.
Rachel Berry: Like?
Finn Hudson: Look, he's not gonna say you'll never sing again.
Dr. Gidwani: Bad news, Rachel, you'll probably never sing again. I'm kidding. You have severe tonsillitis, which has resulted in an inner ear infection. From the looks of things, it's not the first time. You should have had them out years ago.
Rachel Berry: Why should I let you butcher my throat, when just resting my voice for a week and chugging down herbal tea will do the same job?
Dr. Gidwani: This is a very serious infection.
Finn Hudson: I think she's worried about the surgery affecting her singing voice.
Dr. Gidwani: At least start by taking these antibiotics. Unless you think they're going to adversely affect your dance moves.
Rachel Berry: What do you think I should do?
Finn Hudson: Maybe you should ask your boyfriend. Oh, wait, you can't, He's not here.
Rachel Berry: He's in San Diego on spring break with his friends from Vocal Adrenaline.
Finn Hudson: When are you gonna realize that he's not into you like I am? You think he's gonna stick around if you can't sing? If you're a vocal cripple?
Rachel Berry: Look, I know that you've always been jealous of Jesse. And even though he and I haven't spoken since the "Run Joey Run" debacle, you just have to accept the fact that I still care about him deeply. And I know he still feels the same way about me.
Finn Hudson: # Jesse is a friend #
# You know, he's been a good friend of mine #
# But lately, something's changed #
# And that ain't hard to define #
# Jesse's got himself a girl, and I want to make her mine #
# And she's watching him with those eyes #
# And she's loving him with that body, I just know it #
# And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night #
# You know I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# Where can I find a woman like that? #
# And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time #
# Wondering what she don't see in me #
# I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines #
# Ain't that the way love's supposed to be? #
# Tell me, where can I find a woman like that? #
# Like Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I want Jesse's girl #
# Where can I find a woman like that? #
# Like Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I want, I want Jesse's girl. #
Will Schuester: Nice work! Now that— that is the kind of soul-exposing song I was talking about. We should all be inspired by Finn's bravery. Good job, buddy.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue, can I sing my song now?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Just go for it, Puck.
Mercedes Jones: What are they doing here?
Noah Puckerman: I invited my brothers from the jazz band and their righteous horns to help me out with my song. Since I shaved my Mohawk, I started seeing things differently. Last week, I joined a black church, and I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis Jr. ever recorded on iTunes. He was a black Jew, you know. And my inspiration. So, without further ado, I give you one of Sammy's biggest hits.
# She gets too hungry for dinner at 8:00 #
# She adores the theater #
# And, whoa, won't arrive late #
# She'd never bother with people she'd hate #
# That's why the lady is a tramp #
# Doesn't like crap games with barons and earls #
# Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls #
# Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls #
# That's why the lady is a tramp #
# She likes the free, fresh wind in her hair #
# Life without care #
# She's broke, it's oke #
# She hates California #
# It's cold and it's damp #
# That's why the lady #
# Is a tramp #
# Oh oh-oh oh-oh! #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh #
# I get far too hungry to eat dinner at 8:00 #
# I adore the theater, but I never come late #
Noah Puckerman: # You'd never bother #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, do-do, do-do, do-do #
Noah Puckerman: # With anyone that you'd hate #
Mercedes & Noah: # That's why the lady is a tramp! #
Mercedes Jones: # I like the free, fresh wind in my hair #
# Life without care #
Noah Puckerman: # She's a swinger, a humdinger! #
Mercedes Jones: # Hates California #
Mercedes & Noah: # Too cold and too damp #
Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady #
Noah Puckerman: # That's why the lady #
Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady... #
Noah Puckerman: # That's why the lady #
Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady... #
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh #
Mercedes Jones: # That is why #
Noah Puckerman: # That is why #
Mercedes Jones: # The lady is a #
Noah Puckerman: # The lady is a tramp #
Mercedes Jones: # Tramp #
# Oh, oh-oh-oh, yeah. #



Mercedes Jones: Look, Quinn, I could never see myself being into a guy like Puck, especially since he's your baby's daddy, but... Something just happened between us.
Quinn Fabray: I say... Go for it.
Mercedes Jones: What?
Quinn Fabray: Look... I screwed up by letting Puck get me pregnant. He's an idiot, and his mother won't let me eat bacon. I'm stuck living with him right now, but at least, if you guys are dating, I won't have to spend so much time listening to his insane theories on how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization. But you do realize he's using you and your popularity so he won't get tossed in a Dumpster.
Mercedes Jones: I know he's using me, but in a way, it's even better. I'm not you. I've never had a guy like me for anything, but now I'm such a steaming mug of hot chocolate that one of the studliest guys in school wants to use me to harvest some mojo.
Quinn Fabray: I just don't want you getting hurt.
Mercedes Jones: I know what this is. My heart's safe.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, I'm not worried about your heart. I might be okay with this, but not even Puck is going to be able to call off Santana.



Will Schuester: All right, let's get things started.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, I'd like to start us off. I believe I've found a song that finally expresses my true voice.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Kurt Hummel: Gentlemen.
# There's a black man with a black cat #
# Livin' in a black neighborhood #
# He's got an interstate runnin' through his front yard #
# You know, he thinks that he's got it so good #
# And there's a woman in the kitchen #
# Cleanin' up the evenin' slop #
# And he looks at her and says #
# Hey, darlin', I can remember when you could stop a clock #
# Oh, but ain't that America #
# For you and me #
# Ain't that America #
# Somethin' to see, baby #
# Ain't that America #
# Home of the free, yeah #
# Little pink houses for you and me #
# Oh, baby, for you and me. #
Is there something wrong, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: I don't really think you got the point of the assignment. This was about finding a song that expresses who you are. That song didn't really sound like you.
Kurt Hummel: Well, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations.
Will Schuester: No, no, this group needs you to be you, Kurt. You can literally do things that no one else can.
Kurt Hummel: I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me.
Will Schuester: Don't lose track of who you are just because it might be a easier to be somebody else. All right, take five, guys.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey, Kurt... That song was hot.
Kurt Hummel: Oh... Merci.
Brittany S. Pierce: So you're pretty much the only guy in this school that I haven't made out with because I thought you were capital-G Gay. But now that you're not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. So, let me know if you want to tap this.



Finn Hudson: Are you, like, sleepwalking?
Rachel Berry: You have to be able to sleep to sleepwalk. I am on my third day of antibiotics, and I am not getting any better, which means, I'm going to have to have that surgery, which means, my life is over.
Finn Hudson: Don't you think you're being a little dramatic, I mean, even for you? God, I'm so sick of you feeling sorry for yourself.
Rachel Berry: Why don't you get it? I am my voice. I am like Tinkerbell, Finn. I need applause to live.
Finn Hudson: I got a friend I want you to meet.
Rachel Berry: Another doctor? I've seen six already.
Finn Hudson: No. No. He's an old friend of mine.



Kurt Hummel: Your lip gloss tastes like root beer. It's weird. Can I ask you something? What do boys' lips taste like?
Brittany S. Pierce: Usually dip. Sometimes they taste like burgers. Or my armpits. Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.
Burt Hummel: Whoa. Am I interrupting something?
Kurt Hummel: You sure are.
Burt Hummel: Okay, I'm confused. I came home to find this note on your doorknob— "Do not enter under any circumstances, I'm making out with a girl." I just thought it was the start of one of your murder mystery dinners.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, I really need you to respect my privacy. Brittany and I were just, uh, having sexual relations.
Burt Hummel: Hi. Kurt, uh... I've been sorta dealing for months with you being gay and everything, and now you're telling me that's not the case?
Kurt Hummel: Dad, you and I have more in common than I would have thought. The flannel, the Mellencamp... The ladies.
Burt Hummel: Okay, well... You're free to be whoever you are, okay? You just let me know when you make up your mind, I'm gonna do the best I can. But I'm good either way. Nice to meet you. All right, you kids be careful, all right? And you gotta respect her, all right? And if things get serious, use protection.
Brittany S. Pierce: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?



Noah Puckerman: So what made Super Mario Brothers 3 so amazing was the Star Worlds. None of the other versions had anything like that.
Mercedes Jones: Look, Puck, I agreed to start dating you because you have great arms, and we have serious musical chemistry— both of which are really important to me. But clearly you've never dated a sister before. And we have needs— as in you need to stop flapping your gums about this video game nonsense and start finding out more about me, about who I am.
Noah Puckerman: Okay. I've never done that with a girl before, but I'm cool.
Mercedes Jones: First thing you need to know is I like those frozen coffee drinks.
Noah Puckerman: Do you want me to get you one?
Mercedes Jones: Decaf.
Noah Puckerman: Cool. What was that?
Jacob Ben Israel: Whatever I did, I'm-I'm sorry. Here, take my lunch money as an apology.
Noah Puckerman: Put that away. Why didn't you look at me when I walked by?
Jacob Ben Israel: Well, the Tweetosphere says you're dating Mercedes Jones. She's one of the most popular girls in school. Your cool-o-meter is off the charts. Which means most of us are terrified of you again. Some of the guys who threw you in the Dumpster actually transferred today, out of fear of retaliation.
Noah Puckerman: I didn't say you could smile. Give me that lunch money. Also, my girl needs a coffee drink.
Mercedes Jones: # Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute? #
Santana Lopez: # Uh-huh, sure. You know you look kind of familiar. #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, you do, too, but, um, I just wanted to know, do you know somebody named— you know his name. #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, yeah, definitely, I know his name. #
Mercedes Jones: # I just wanted to let you know he's mine. #
Santana Lopez: # No, no, he's mine. #
Mercedes & Santana: # You need to give it up #
# Had about enough #
# He belongs to me #
# The boy is mine #
Mercedes Jones: # I think it's time we got this straight #
# Sit and talk face-to-face #
# There is no way you could mistake him for your man #
# Are you insane? #
Santana Lopez: # You see I know that you may be #
# Just a bit jealous of me #
# 'Cause you're blind if you can't see #
# That his love is all in me #
Mercedes Jones: # You need to give it up #
# Had about enough #
Santana Lopez: # Had about enough #
Mercedes Jones: # It's not hard to see #
Santana Lopez: # He's mine, he's mine, he's mine, he's mine #
Mercedes Jones: # I'm sorry that you #
Santana Lopez: # I'm so sorry #
Mercedes Jones: # Seemed to be confused #
Santana Lopez: # You seem to be confused #
Mercedes Jones: # He belongs to me #
Santana Lopez: # He belongs to me #
Mercedes Jones: # The boy is mine #
Santana Lopez: # You can't destroy this love I've found #
# Your silly games I won't allow #
# The boy is mine without a doubt #
Mercedes Jones: # He was my love right from the start #
# I'm sorry that you #
Santana Lopez: # I'm sorry that you #
Mercedes Jones: # Seem to be confused #
Santana Lopez: # Seemed to be confused #
Mercedes Jones: # He belongs to me #
Santana Lopez: # That boy is mine #
# Not yours #
Mercedes Jones: # But mine #
Santana Lopez: # Not yours #
Mercedes Jones: # But mine #
Santana Lopez: # Not yours #
Mercedes Jones: # But mine #
Mercedes & Santana: # I'm sorry that you #
# Seemed to be confused #
# He belongs to me #
# The boy is mine... #
Will Schuester: Wow. That was intense.
Santana Lopez: Don't touch me.
Mercedes Jones: Don't step to me.
Will Schuester: I gotta give you guys props for the passion. Maybe hold back on the animosity.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, yeah. I know. I understand.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey! Seriously, this ends now!
Santana Lopez: All right.
Mercedes Jones: Talk to the stick figure.
Will Schuester: Please. All right? You can go at it in song, but that is it.
Santana Lopez: Enjoy it while you can, Weezie. His hair is already starting to grow back.
Will Schuester: Calm down. Hey, hey.



Mercedes Jones: Puck, what the hell is going on here?
Noah Puckerman: Just a little payback. You hear that? That's the sound of order being restored.
Mercedes Jones: No man of mine is gonna be pulling stuff like this.
Noah Puckerman: Babe, this is what we do. Look at 'em. They need this. Without the fear of a good Dumpster toss, it'd be chaos up in this place. Look, you don't need to like it, but you need to accept it— this is the way things are. 'Cause now, we're part of the system. We're at the top of the heap. Who's next?



Finn Hudson: Hi, uh, Mrs. Fretthold. This is Rachel.
Mrs. Fretthold: Pretty. Uh, I'll tell Sean you're here. I'm sorry it's such a mess. I've been on the phone to the insurance company all day.
Finn Hudson: Oh, no, that's fine.
Rachel Berry: Is this him?
Finn Hudson: Uh, yeah. We met at football camp a couple years ago.
Mrs. Fretthold: He's ready for you.
Sean Fretthold: Fab-five-Finnster!
Finn Hudson: Fretter!
Sean Fretthold: This the hottie you were telling me about?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Sean Fretthold, Rachel Berry, Rachel, Sean.
Sean Fretthold: Got a boyfriend, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: Um... Sort of.
Sean Fretthold: Sort of? Sounds like I got a shot.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand; this isn't funny.
Sean Fretthold: Sorry. They make me see a shrink. He says I compensate with humor. Third game of the season, right after I met the Finnster, this Yeti of a fullback breaks through the line. I hear a crack, next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground saying to myself, "Get up, get up," but nothing was working, you know?
Finn Hudson: Sean was a C4.
Sean Fretthold: Paralyzed from the upper chest down.
Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry.
Sean Fretthold: Finn says your voice is messed up. Is it going to come back?
Rachel Berry: I don't, I don't, I don't know.
Sean Fretthold: Pissed off about what you lost? I was. Like, real... rage. I used to just lie in bed and scream.
Rachel Berry: Finn shouldn't have brought me here. I'm so sorry.
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, wait. Just... Tell her about what happened when they gave you the chair.
Sean Fretthold: They were all excited because I could drive it myself by blowing in that tube. The second they left me alone... I drove it into the swimming pool.
Finn Hudson: His mom pulled him out when she heard the splash.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand. Are... are you trying to tell me that you're happier now?
Sean Fretthold: Hell, no. I'm miserable. I miss my body. I miss my life. I miss my friends. I miss girls. But I've realized, over time, that I've got other stuff going on. I'm more than just one thing. You know I'm good at math? Seriously. I flew through Calc I in like two months. And I can sing.
Finn Hudson: He's actually pretty good.
Sean Fretthold: I used to sing in the shower, in the car... I didn't have the balls to try out for my school's club like Finn did. That pissed me off more than anything. What the hell was I afraid of?
Mrs. Fretthold: Sorry, guys, time for physical therapy.
Finn Hudson: Later, dude. Um, I'll come by in a few weeks.
Sean Fretthold: I'll be here.
Rachel Berry: Thanks.
Sean Fretthold: For what?
Rachel Berry: Just, um... thanks.



Noah Puckerman: Hey, mama. Where's your Cheerios uniform?
Mercedes Jones: I quit.



Sue Sylvester: Nobody quits the Cheerios! You either die, or I kick you off.
Mercedes Jones: It was fun, I guess, but... When I put the uniform on, I didn't feel like myself. It's just not who I am.
Sue Sylvester: And what am I supposed to do about that Mariah Carey number in which you do ten straight minutes of vocal runs? Huh? Nationals is in three weeks! I guess I'll just have to take to the mic and deliver a diatribe. Probably something about immigrants.



Mercedes Jones: Look, I know Glee Club may be super nerdy or whatever, but it's taught me something very important. You have to be true to who you are. That's something you may want think about. 'Cause the guy I saw throwing dweebs in the Dumpster yesterday— I don't like him very much. And you know what? I don't think you do, either.



Brittany S. Pierce: Your hands are really soft.
Kurt Hummel: My secret? Duck fat. Hey, guys. Just holding hands with Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: Seriously. They feel like a baby. Now I know what it's like to date a baby.
Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Dad. Hey.
Burt Hummel: Finn caught a foul ball inhe ninth, so that means free hoagies at Lenny's Hoagies, and then half-price to the motocross tonight, so I promised I'd take him. Hi.
Kurt Hummel: Can you excuse us for a minute, boo?
Brittany S. Pierce: What?
Kurt Hummel: Just go away. Did you ever think that that might be something I wanted to do with you?
Burt Hummel: Look, Kurt, Finn needs a buddy right now, okay? At the game, he got to talking about his dad, and, you know, his mom thinks it's a really good thing for him. Look, I promise you we will hang out as much as you want, okay? Just not tonight.
Kurt Hummel: # All that work and what did it get me? #
# Why did I do it? #
# Scrapbooks full of me in the background #
# Give 'em love and what does it get ya? #
# What does it get ya? #
# One quick look as each of 'em leaves you #
# All your life and what does it get ya? #
# Thanks a lot and out with the garbage #
# They take bows and you're battin' zero #
# I had a dream #
# I dreamed it for you, Dad #
# It wasn't for me, Dad #
# And if it wasn't for me #
# Then where would you be #
# Miss Rachel Berry? #
# Well, someone tell me when is it my turn? #
# Don't I get a dream for myself? #
# Starting now, it's gonna be my turn #
# Gangway, world, get off of my runway! #
# Starting now I bat a thousand! #
# This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and... #
# Everything's coming up Kurt! #
# Everything's coming up Hummel! #
# Everything's coming up Kurt! #
# This time for me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For... me! #
# Yeah! #
Burt Hummel: That was some serious singing, kid.
Kurt Hummel: That was "Rose's Turn."
Burt Hummel: I could get into that, maybe.
Kurt Hummel: What happened to the hoagies?
Burt Hummel: Ah, blew it off. You know, too much cholesterol.
Kurt Hummel: I bet Finn was disappointed.
Burt Hummel: He understood, uh... Once I told him how bent out of shape I thought you were.
Kurt Hummel: Me? I'm fine.
Burt Hummel: Kurt, I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid. And I have no idea what that song was about, but "fine" don't sing like you just sung. Look... maybe I got carried away doing stuff with Finn. But I told you, this thing with you was going to be hard.
Kurt Hummel: Thing with me. You mean being gay?
Burt Hummel: Yeah. Being gay. Look, I will fight to the death for your right to love whoever you want, but when you were a little baby in my arms, did I dream about taking you to baseball games and talking about girls? Yeah, I did. A lot of fathers do.
Kurt Hummel: I had no idea how disappointing I was.
Burt Hummel: Hey, come on, now, stop it right now. I'm-I'm talking straight to you. Don't go playing the victim. You know that's not what I mean.
Kurt Hummel: I know. I'm sorry. I know you're working hard on yourself to make all this okay. Just seeing you, the way you are with Finn, how easy it is... It breaks my heart.
Burt Hummel: Is that why you were pretending to date that daffy cheerleader? And dressing differently, and singing Mellencamp?
Kurt Hummel: I just want you to know that... I'm going to work as hard as you to make this okay.
Burt Hummel: You don't have to work at anything, Kurt. Your job... is to be yourself, and my job is to love you, no matter what. Okay? That and a majority ownership in a tire store— that's all we got. Okay? We stick to that, we're going to be great.
Kurt Hummel: I missed you, Dad.
Burt Hummel: Oh, come here. I love you.
Kurt Hummel: Love you, too.



Sean Fretthold: Mom... Finn with you?
Rachel Berry: No, I came by myself. Is that okay?
Sean Fretthold: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: I, um... I just wanted to say thank you, and for showing me that just because I'm not good at anything other than singing doesn't mean I'm not any good if I can't sing. That sounded like a really bad greeting card.
Sean Fretthold: No. It was cool.
Rachel Berry: Well, anyways, I... I just thought I could maybe return the favor. I thought I could give you singing lessons. It sort of seemed like an area of interest for you. I'll-I'll come by, like, once a week or something, and we could just see how it goes? I've-I've helped almost everyone in our glee club, some by brute force, but...
Sean Fretthold: So, your voice came back.
Rachel Berry: Turns out that a heroic dose of antibiotics and a mysterious blend of herbal remedies and a vow of silence is all it takes to cure tonsillitis, so... I'll probably have to have my tonsils taken out eventually, but, um, I'm-I'm not scared anymore.
Sean Fretthold: Uh, so... do you want to give it a spin now?
Rachel Berry: Sing with you? Yeah. Yeah, I'd be honored.
Sean Fretthold: Come here. Take my hand?
Rachel Berry: Can you feel that?
Sean Fretthold: No. But it's weird. I remember what it feels like, and I can see it, so... It's like I can.
Rachel Berry: I-I, um... I thought we'd do a little classic rock today. Finn said you might like that.
Sean Fretthold: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: # Is it getting better? #
# Or do you feel the same? #
# Will it make it easier on you now? #
# You got someone to blame? #
Sean & Rachel: # You say... #
Sean Fretthold: # One love, one life #
# When it's one need, in the night #
# One love, we get to share it #
# Leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it... #
Finn Hudson: # Did I disappoint you? #
# Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? #
# You act like you never had love #
# And you want me to go without #
Finn & Rachel: # Well, it's too late #
# Tonight #
# To drag the past out into the light #
# We're one, but we're not the same #
# We get to carry each other, carry each other #
# One #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah #
Finn & Rachel: # One #
Mercedes Jones: # One #
Rachel Berry: # Love is a temple, love is a higher law #
# Love is a temple #
# Love is a higher law #
# You ask for me to enter, but then you make me crawl #
# And I can't be holding on to what you got #
# When all you got is hurt #
Finn & Rachel: # One love #
New Directions: # One love #
Finn & Rachel: # One blood #
New Directions: # One blood #
Finn & Rachel: # One life, you got to do what you should #
# One life #
New Directions: # One life #
Finn & Rachel: # With each other #
Rachel Berry: # Sisters #
New Directions: # Sisters #
Finn & Rachel: # And my brothers #
# One life #
# But we're not the same #
# We get to carry each other #
# Carry each other #
Rachel Berry: # One... #
Sean & Rachel: # One #
# One... #


Ian Brennan: So here's what happened last week: Kurt found a video of Sue, and the glee club posted it online.
Brenda Castle: You, my friend, are an embarrassment.
Ian Brennan: Then somebody made a "glist" of who in the glee club was the naughtiest, so Rachel tried to seem like a bad girl by doing a video with Finn, Puck and Jesse, but mostly it just hurt their feelings and the song was really, really bad. With Shelby Corcoran and that, one time, April Rhodes spent the night, which totally hurt Emma's feelings.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm through with you.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Brittany S. Pierce: Who is that guy?



Noah Puckerman: My mom found a mole on my head when she was washing my hair on Friday.
Santana Lopez: Your mom still washes your hair?
Noah Puckerman: She started crying about sun block and how she's always telling me to wear a hat when I'm cleaning pools. So, she made me go see Dr. Friedlander, the dermatologist. He said he had to shave my head to get a closer look at it. It was nothing— they maimed me over a freaking freckle!I feel like that guy that lost all his hair, then lost all his strength.
Santana Lopez: Samson?
Noah Puckerman: Agassi. This morning, people actually had the balls to look me in the eye. I mean, it's just a Mohawk, right? I'm still Puckasaurus.
Santana Lopez: Actually, I don't know if it's the missing Mohawk or the whining, but I am totally not turned on by you right now.



Noah Puckerman: You got a problem?
Jacob Ben Israel: Clearly, you're not a follower of my LarryHair account on Twitter. We've been tweeting all day about your new look. You're like a toddler with a loose lid on his sippy cup. No more juice. Get ready for payback, Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: All right. I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad? Wait a second. That black chick from Glee Club used to suck, and now she's all kinds of popular.
Mercedes Jones: # A Cheerio... #
Noah Puckerman: If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can. But how? I'm not becoming a Cheerio. Wait— I don't need to be a cheerleader, I just need to date one.
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah... #
Noah Puckerman: Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remembe right now, the Puckster is about to make you his.



Will Schuester: Um... Wait, what are these?
Rachel Berry: My vitamin supplements. I'm taking them three times a day. I'm exhausted. I even felt a tickle in the back of my throat, and I never get sick.
Will Schuester: Well, I just don't understand why you're so tired all of a sudden.
Rachel Berry: Because every song I sing in here is a solo. As you know, I have perfect pitch, which also means I have a very sensitive ear. None of them were singing. I knew I needed proof, so I had a little talk with Lauren Zizes, president of the AV club.
Lauren Zizes: Bug the choir room? I'm almost offended by the simplicity of the request.
Rachel Berry: Just tell me you can do it, Zizes. The microphones would have to be hidden.
Lauren Zizes: Who's this guy? Who's this guy? It'll cost you two boxes of Mallomars for me and Snicker bars for my workers. Take it or leave it, Berry.
New Directions: # Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
Rachel Berry: Here are the glee club members who are not pulling their weight.
Will Schuester: This is half the club.



Mercedes Jones: Oh, man.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, sugar. Listen. I got a proposition to make. I did some research. Blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other. And Wikipedia says that King Martin Luther loved the Jews.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, you just said like ten offensive things.
Noah Puckerman: My point is, you're popular now. And I got to be honest— I need to spice up my image a little. We should join forces. It wouldn't take much. Just a little light making out. And I like a girl with curves. You got to admit, I'm easy on the eyes.
Mercedes Jones: Baby, I just am not attracted to you.Plus, I know what you do to the girls you date. You knock them up, and then you hang them out to dry.
Noah Puckerman: Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else. We just did the nasty. And she understood you can't tie me down. I'm a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, I'm going to ask you to stop, because I'm starting to get embarrassed for you. You and me would not work out. We have nothing in common. You're Top 40. I'm rhythm and blues.



Will Schuester: I am very disappointed in you guys.
Finn Hudson: Can't believe you narced on us.
Rachel Berry: Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness. I'm tired of carrying all of your weight. Regionals is in a month, guys.
Will Schuester: I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. Finn, why did you stop singing?
Finn Hudson: 'Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jesse. It kind of shook my confidence, you know?
Santana Lopez: What difference does it make? Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot.
Quinn Fabray: My baby hormones are making me moody.
Brittany S. Pierce: There are so many lyrics.
Will Schuester: A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A glee club is about a myriad of voices coming together as one. All right? This ends now. Which is why your assignment for the week is for each of you to come up with a song that best represents how you see yourself— where you are in your lives right now. Your voice. Then... you're going to stand up here and sing your hearts out. All of you.
Kurt Hummel: Solos? In front of everyone?
Will Schuester: The Glee Club has lost its voice. It's time for us to get it back.



Kurt Hummel: I am going to kill this assignment. If there's one thing that I know, it's my voice. I have exactly the same vocal range as 16th century castrato Orlando di Lasso. But you know what he didn't have? A song by Ms. Whitney Houston in his back pocket.
Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt!
Kurt Hummel: Dad? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?
Burt Hummel: Oh, I'm here to pick up Finn. I got a pair of tickets to the Reds game, and Carole said that Finn's never been a major league game. I mean, it's Cincinnati, so it's barely the major leagues, but still.
Kurt Hummel: And why wasn't I invited?
Burt Hummel: Are you kidding me? Every time I sit down to watch a game, you start in on the fact that all the players are wearing stirrup pants.
Kurt Hummel: Because there's never an excuse for stirrup pants!
Finn Hudson: Okay, I'm ready.
Burt Hummel: All right, I'll meet you by the car.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Burt Hummel: This is gonna be so great. It's gonna be great for Finn. It means a lot to his mom, too. Hey, I'll see you at home. I'll be home around midnight.



Noah Puckerman: Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad.
Mercedes Jones: Seriously? That's what you came up with?
Will Schuester: All right, guys. Let's get things started.
Rachel Berry: As I was first on the sign-up sheet, I'll kick things off.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Rachel Berry: I have chosen Miley Cyrus' "The Climb," because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds. In my case, the obstacle is you— my lackluster teammates who refuse to carry their own weight.
# I can almost see it #
# That dream I'm dreaming #
# But there's a voice inside my head saying #
# "You'll never reach it" #
# Every step I'm taking #
# Every move I make feels lost with no direction #
# My faith is shaking #
# But I gotta keep trying #
# Gotta keep my head held high... #
Will Schuester: Rachel... I think you've lost your voice.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, Ladyface. I noticed you weren't at Cheerios practice yesterday, and I don't look kindly on absenteeism.
Kurt Hummel: I'm so sorry, Ms. Sylvester. It won't happen again. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. It's my dad. He's the most important thing in the world to me. I love him. And I'm afraid that I might be losing him because of... my... sexuality.
Sue Sylvester: Your sexuality. How old are you, 16? Have you even kissed a boy?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Sue Sylvester: Have you ever kissed a girl?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Sue Sylvester: Well, then how can you possibly know what you like? You see, that's the problem with your generation. You're obsessed with labels. So you like show tunes! Doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're awful. You know, there's only one person in this world who can tell you what you are.
Kurt Hummel: Me.
Sue Sylvester: No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.
Kurt Hummel: Wait— I have an idea. Our assignment for Glee Club is to find a song that reflects our voice...
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you know what? I checked out of this conversation about a minute back. So, uh, good luck with your troubles, and I'm gonna make a habit not to stop and talk to students, 'cause this has been a colossal waste of my time.



Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt... You want to speak me?
Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad, yeah... I was just, uh, working on my Glee Club assignment, "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp.
Burt Hummel: Oh, really? I didn't think that was in your wheelhouse.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I think it's really brave for a Midwesterner like himself to, uh, write a song about such bold interior design.
Burt Hummel: You know, that's not what the song's about.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Burt Hummel: No, it's about how the '80s were a tough time for a lot of people and how the American Dream isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Kurt Hummel: Hmm. Fascinating. Hey, why don't we go grab a couple burgers and, uh, you can tell me more about it?
Burt Hummel: Sure. But I gotta be honest, that's pretty much what every Mellencamp song is about. But you know what? I'll get my coat. Anything to help you out.



Rachel Berry: What if he says I'll never sing again? I mean, who am I without my voice? I'm just this spoiled, annoying only child...
Finn Hudson: Don't say that. There's, like, so many awesome things about you.
Rachel Berry: Like?
Finn Hudson: Look, he's not gonna say you'll never sing again.
Dr. Gidwani: Bad news, Rachel, you'll probably never sing again. I'm kidding. You have severe tonsillitis, which has resulted in an inner ear infection. From the looks of things, it's not the first time. You should have had them out years ago.
Rachel Berry: Why should I let you butcher my throat, when just resting my voice for a week and chugging down herbal tea will do the same job?
Dr. Gidwani: This is a very serious infection.
Finn Hudson: I think she's worried about the surgery affecting her singing voice.
Dr. Gidwani: At least start by taking these antibiotics. Unless you think they're going to adversely affect your dance moves.
Rachel Berry: What do you think I should do?
Finn Hudson: Maybe you should ask your boyfriend. Oh, wait, you can't, He's not here.
Rachel Berry: He's in San Diego on spring break with his friends from Vocal Adrenaline.
Finn Hudson: When are you gonna realize that he's not into you like I am? You think he's gonna stick around if you can't sing? If you're a vocal cripple?
Rachel Berry: Look, I know that you've always been jealous of Jesse. And even though he and I haven't spoken since the "Run Joey Run" debacle, you just have to accept the fact that I still care about him deeply. And I know he still feels the same way about me.
Finn Hudson: # Jesse is a friend #
# You know, he's been a good friend of mine #
# But lately, something's changed #
# And that ain't hard to define #
# Jesse's got himself a girl, and I want to make her mine #
# And she's watching him with those eyes #
# And she's loving him with that body, I just know it #
# And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night #
# You know I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# Where can I find a woman like that? #
# And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time #
# Wondering what she don't see in me #
# I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines #
# Ain't that the way love's supposed to be? #
# Tell me, where can I find a woman like that? #
# Like Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I want Jesse's girl #
# Where can I find a woman like that? #
# Like Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I want, I want Jesse's girl. #
Will Schuester: Nice work! Now that— that is the kind of soul-exposing song I was talking about. We should all be inspired by Finn's bravery. Good job, buddy.
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue, can I sing my song now?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Just go for it, Puck.
Mercedes Jones: What are they doing here?
Noah Puckerman: I invited my brothers from the jazz band and their righteous horns to help me out with my song. Since I shaved my Mohawk, I started seeing things differently. Last week, I joined a black church, and I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis Jr. ever recorded on iTunes. He was a black Jew, you know. And my inspiration. So, without further ado, I give you one of Sammy's biggest hits.
# She gets too hungry for dinner at 8:00 #
# She adores the theater #
# And, whoa, won't arrive late #
# She'd never bother with people she'd hate #
# That's why the lady is a tramp #
# Doesn't like crap games with barons and earls #
# Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls #
# Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls #
# That's why the lady is a tramp #
# She likes the free, fresh wind in her hair #
# Life without care #
# She's broke, it's oke #
# She hates California #
# It's cold and it's damp #
# That's why the lady #
# Is a tramp #
# Oh oh-oh oh-oh! #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh #
# I get far too hungry to eat dinner at 8:00 #
# I adore the theater, but I never come late #
Noah Puckerman: # You'd never bother #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, do-do, do-do, do-do #
Noah Puckerman: # With anyone that you'd hate #
Mercedes & Noah: # That's why the lady is a tramp! #
Mercedes Jones: # I like the free, fresh wind in my hair #
# Life without care #
Noah Puckerman: # She's a swinger, a humdinger! #
Mercedes Jones: # Hates California #
Mercedes & Noah: # Too cold and too damp #
Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady #
Noah Puckerman: # That's why the lady #
Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady... #
Noah Puckerman: # That's why the lady #
Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady... #
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh #
Mercedes Jones: # That is why #
Noah Puckerman: # That is why #
Mercedes Jones: # The lady is a #
Noah Puckerman: # The lady is a tramp #
Mercedes Jones: # Tramp #
# Oh, oh-oh-oh, yeah. #



Mercedes Jones: Look, Quinn, I could never see myself being into a guy like Puck, especially since he's your baby's daddy, but... Something just happened between us.
Quinn Fabray: I say... Go for it.
Mercedes Jones: What?
Quinn Fabray: Look... I screwed up by letting Puck get me pregnant. He's an idiot, and his mother won't let me eat bacon. I'm stuck living with him right now, but at least, if you guys are dating, I won't have to spend so much time listening to his insane theories on how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization. But you do realize he's using you and your popularity so he won't get tossed in a Dumpster.
Mercedes Jones: I know he's using me, but in a way, it's even better. I'm not you. I've never had a guy like me for anything, but now I'm such a steaming mug of hot chocolate that one of the studliest guys in school wants to use me to harvest some mojo.
Quinn Fabray: I just don't want you getting hurt.
Mercedes Jones: I know what this is. My heart's safe.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, I'm not worried about your heart. I might be okay with this, but not even Puck is going to be able to call off Santana.



Will Schuester: All right, let's get things started.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, I'd like to start us off. I believe I've found a song that finally expresses my true voice.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Kurt Hummel: Gentlemen.
# There's a black man with a black cat #
# Livin' in a black neighborhood #
# He's got an interstate runnin' through his front yard #
# You know, he thinks that he's got it so good #
# And there's a woman in the kitchen #
# Cleanin' up the evenin' slop #
# And he looks at her and says #
# Hey, darlin', I can remember when you could stop a clock #
# Oh, but ain't that America #
# For you and me #
# Ain't that America #
# Somethin' to see, baby #
# Ain't that America #
# Home of the free, yeah #
# Little pink houses for you and me #
# Oh, baby, for you and me. #
Is there something wrong, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: I don't really think you got the point of the assignment. This was about finding a song that expresses who you are. That song didn't really sound like you.
Kurt Hummel: Well, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations.
Will Schuester: No, no, this group needs you to be you, Kurt. You can literally do things that no one else can.
Kurt Hummel: I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me.
Will Schuester: Don't lose track of who you are just because it might be a easier to be somebody else. All right, take five, guys.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey, Kurt... That song was hot.
Kurt Hummel: Oh... Merci.
Brittany S. Pierce: So you're pretty much the only guy in this school that I haven't made out with because I thought you were capital-G Gay. But now that you're not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. So, let me know if you want to tap this.



Finn Hudson: Are you, like, sleepwalking?
Rachel Berry: You have to be able to sleep to sleepwalk. I am on my third day of antibiotics, and I am not getting any better, which means, I'm going to have to have that surgery, which means, my life is over.
Finn Hudson: Don't you think you're being a little dramatic, I mean, even for you? God, I'm so sick of you feeling sorry for yourself.
Rachel Berry: Why don't you get it? I am my voice. I am like Tinkerbell, Finn. I need applause to live.
Finn Hudson: I got a friend I want you to meet.
Rachel Berry: Another doctor? I've seen six already.
Finn Hudson: No. No. He's an old friend of mine.



Kurt Hummel: Your lip gloss tastes like root beer. It's weird. Can I ask you something? What do boys' lips taste like?
Brittany S. Pierce: Usually dip. Sometimes they taste like burgers. Or my armpits. Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.
Burt Hummel: Whoa. Am I interrupting something?
Kurt Hummel: You sure are.
Burt Hummel: Okay, I'm confused. I came home to find this note on your doorknob— "Do not enter under any circumstances, I'm making out with a girl." I just thought it was the start of one of your murder mystery dinners.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, I really need you to respect my privacy. Brittany and I were just, uh, having sexual relations.
Burt Hummel: Hi. Kurt, uh... I've been sorta dealing for months with you being gay and everything, and now you're telling me that's not the case?
Kurt Hummel: Dad, you and I have more in common than I would have thought. The flannel, the Mellencamp... The ladies.
Burt Hummel: Okay, well... You're free to be whoever you are, okay? You just let me know when you make up your mind, I'm gonna do the best I can. But I'm good either way. Nice to meet you. All right, you kids be careful, all right? And you gotta respect her, all right? And if things get serious, use protection.
Brittany S. Pierce: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?



Noah Puckerman: So what made Super Mario Brothers 3 so amazing was the Star Worlds. None of the other versions had anything like that.
Mercedes Jones: Look, Puck, I agreed to start dating you because you have great arms, and we have serious musical chemistry— both of which are really important to me. But clearly you've never dated a sister before. And we have needs— as in you need to stop flapping your gums about this video game nonsense and start finding out more about me, about who I am.
Noah Puckerman: Okay. I've never done that with a girl before, but I'm cool.
Mercedes Jones: First thing you need to know is I like those frozen coffee drinks.
Noah Puckerman: Do you want me to get you one?
Mercedes Jones: Decaf.
Noah Puckerman: Cool. What was that?
Jacob Ben Israel: Whatever I did, I'm-I'm sorry. Here, take my lunch money as an apology.
Noah Puckerman: Put that away. Why didn't you look at me when I walked by?
Jacob Ben Israel: Well, the Tweetosphere says you're dating Mercedes Jones. She's one of the most popular girls in school. Your cool-o-meter is off the charts. Which means most of us are terrified of you again. Some of the guys who threw you in the Dumpster actually transferred today, out of fear of retaliation.
Noah Puckerman: I didn't say you could smile. Give me that lunch money. Also, my girl needs a coffee drink.
Mercedes Jones: # Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute? #
Santana Lopez: # Uh-huh, sure. You know you look kind of familiar. #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, you do, too, but, um, I just wanted to know, do you know somebody named— you know his name. #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, yeah, definitely, I know his name. #
Mercedes Jones: # I just wanted to let you know he's mine. #
Santana Lopez: # No, no, he's mine. #
Mercedes & Santana: # You need to give it up #
# Had about enough #
# He belongs to me #
# The boy is mine #
Mercedes Jones: # I think it's time we got this straight #
# Sit and talk face-to-face #
# There is no way you could mistake him for your man #
# Are you insane? #
Santana Lopez: # You see I know that you may be #
# Just a bit jealous of me #
# 'Cause you're blind if you can't see #
# That his love is all in me #
Mercedes Jones: # You need to give it up #
# Had about enough #
Santana Lopez: # Had about enough #
Mercedes Jones: # It's not hard to see #
Santana Lopez: # He's mine, he's mine, he's mine, he's mine #
Mercedes Jones: # I'm sorry that you #
Santana Lopez: # I'm so sorry #
Mercedes Jones: # Seemed to be confused #
Santana Lopez: # You seem to be confused #
Mercedes Jones: # He belongs to me #
Santana Lopez: # He belongs to me #
Mercedes Jones: # The boy is mine #
Santana Lopez: # You can't destroy this love I've found #
# Your silly games I won't allow #
# The boy is mine without a doubt #
Mercedes Jones: # He was my love right from the start #
# I'm sorry that you #
Santana Lopez: # I'm sorry that you #
Mercedes Jones: # Seem to be confused #
Santana Lopez: # Seemed to be confused #
Mercedes Jones: # He belongs to me #
Santana Lopez: # That boy is mine #
# Not yours #
Mercedes Jones: # But mine #
Santana Lopez: # Not yours #
Mercedes Jones: # But mine #
Santana Lopez: # Not yours #
Mercedes Jones: # But mine #
Mercedes & Santana: # I'm sorry that you #
# Seemed to be confused #
# He belongs to me #
# The boy is mine... #
Will Schuester: Wow. That was intense.
Santana Lopez: Don't touch me.
Mercedes Jones: Don't step to me.
Will Schuester: I gotta give you guys props for the passion. Maybe hold back on the animosity.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, yeah. I know. I understand.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey! Seriously, this ends now!
Santana Lopez: All right.
Mercedes Jones: Talk to the stick figure.
Will Schuester: Please. All right? You can go at it in song, but that is it.
Santana Lopez: Enjoy it while you can, Weezie. His hair is already starting to grow back.
Will Schuester: Calm down. Hey, hey.



Mercedes Jones: Puck, what the hell is going on here?
Noah Puckerman: Just a little payback. You hear that? That's the sound of order being restored.
Mercedes Jones: No man of mine is gonna be pulling stuff like this.
Noah Puckerman: Babe, this is what we do. Look at 'em. They need this. Without the fear of a good Dumpster toss, it'd be chaos up in this place. Look, you don't need to like it, but you need to accept it— this is the way things are. 'Cause now, we're part of the system. We're at the top of the heap. Who's next?



Finn Hudson: Hi, uh, Mrs. Fretthold. This is Rachel.
Mrs. Fretthold: Pretty. Uh, I'll tell Sean you're here. I'm sorry it's such a mess. I've been on the phone to the insurance company all day.
Finn Hudson: Oh, no, that's fine.
Rachel Berry: Is this him?
Finn Hudson: Uh, yeah. We met at football camp a couple years ago.
Mrs. Fretthold: He's ready for you.
Sean Fretthold: Fab-five-Finnster!
Finn Hudson: Fretter!
Sean Fretthold: This the hottie you were telling me about?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Sean Fretthold, Rachel Berry, Rachel, Sean.
Sean Fretthold: Got a boyfriend, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: Um... Sort of.
Sean Fretthold: Sort of? Sounds like I got a shot.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand; this isn't funny.
Sean Fretthold: Sorry. They make me see a shrink. He says I compensate with humor. Third game of the season, right after I met the Finnster, this Yeti of a fullback breaks through the line. I hear a crack, next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground saying to myself, "Get up, get up," but nothing was working, you know?
Finn Hudson: Sean was a C4.
Sean Fretthold: Paralyzed from the upper chest down.
Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry.
Sean Fretthold: Finn says your voice is messed up. Is it going to come back?
Rachel Berry: I don't, I don't, I don't know.
Sean Fretthold: Pissed off about what you lost? I was. Like, real... rage. I used to just lie in bed and scream.
Rachel Berry: Finn shouldn't have brought me here. I'm so sorry.
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, wait. Just... Tell her about what happened when they gave you the chair.
Sean Fretthold: They were all excited because I could drive it myself by blowing in that tube. The second they left me alone... I drove it into the swimming pool.
Finn Hudson: His mom pulled him out when she heard the splash.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand. Are... are you trying to tell me that you're happier now?
Sean Fretthold: Hell, no. I'm miserable. I miss my body. I miss my life. I miss my friends. I miss girls. But I've realized, over time, that I've got other stuff going on. I'm more than just one thing. You know I'm good at math? Seriously. I flew through Calc I in like two months. And I can sing.
Finn Hudson: He's actually pretty good.
Sean Fretthold: I used to sing in the shower, in the car... I didn't have the balls to try out for my school's club like Finn did. That pissed me off more than anything. What the hell was I afraid of?
Mrs. Fretthold: Sorry, guys, time for physical therapy.
Finn Hudson: Later, dude. Um, I'll come by in a few weeks.
Sean Fretthold: I'll be here.
Rachel Berry: Thanks.
Sean Fretthold: For what?
Rachel Berry: Just, um... thanks.



Noah Puckerman: Hey, mama. Where's your Cheerios uniform?
Mercedes Jones: I quit.



Sue Sylvester: Nobody quits the Cheerios! You either die, or I kick you off.
Mercedes Jones: It was fun, I guess, but... When I put the uniform on, I didn't feel like myself. It's just not who I am.
Sue Sylvester: And what am I supposed to do about that Mariah Carey number in which you do ten straight minutes of vocal runs? Huh? Nationals is in three weeks! I guess I'll just have to take to the mic and deliver a diatribe. Probably something about immigrants.



Mercedes Jones: Look, I know Glee Club may be super nerdy or whatever, but it's taught me something very important. You have to be true to who you are. That's something you may want think about. 'Cause the guy I saw throwing dweebs in the Dumpster yesterday— I don't like him very much. And you know what? I don't think you do, either.



Brittany S. Pierce: Your hands are really soft.
Kurt Hummel: My secret? Duck fat. Hey, guys. Just holding hands with Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: Seriously. They feel like a baby. Now I know what it's like to date a baby.
Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Dad. Hey.
Burt Hummel: Finn caught a foul ball inhe ninth, so that means free hoagies at Lenny's Hoagies, and then half-price to the motocross tonight, so I promised I'd take him. Hi.
Kurt Hummel: Can you excuse us for a minute, boo?
Brittany S. Pierce: What?
Kurt Hummel: Just go away. Did you ever think that that might be something I wanted to do with you?
Burt Hummel: Look, Kurt, Finn needs a buddy right now, okay? At the game, he got to talking about his dad, and, you know, his mom thinks it's a really good thing for him. Look, I promise you we will hang out as much as you want, okay? Just not tonight.
Kurt Hummel: # All that work and what did it get me? #
# Why did I do it? #
# Scrapbooks full of me in the background #
# Give 'em love and what does it get ya? #
# What does it get ya? #
# One quick look as each of 'em leaves you #
# All your life and what does it get ya? #
# Thanks a lot and out with the garbage #
# They take bows and you're battin' zero #
# I had a dream #
# I dreamed it for you, Dad #
# It wasn't for me, Dad #
# And if it wasn't for me #
# Then where would you be #
# Miss Rachel Berry? #
# Well, someone tell me when is it my turn? #
# Don't I get a dream for myself? #
# Starting now, it's gonna be my turn #
# Gangway, world, get off of my runway! #
# Starting now I bat a thousand! #
# This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and... #
# Everything's coming up Kurt! #
# Everything's coming up Hummel! #
# Everything's coming up Kurt! #
# This time for me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For... me! #
# Yeah! #
Burt Hummel: That was some serious singing, kid.
Kurt Hummel: That was "Rose's Turn."
Burt Hummel: I could get into that, maybe.
Kurt Hummel: What happened to the hoagies?
Burt Hummel: Ah, blew it off. You know, too much cholesterol.
Kurt Hummel: I bet Finn was disappointed.
Burt Hummel: He understood, uh... Once I told him how bent out of shape I thought you were.
Kurt Hummel: Me? I'm fine.
Burt Hummel: Kurt, I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid. And I have no idea what that song was about, but "fine" don't sing like you just sung. Look... maybe I got carried away doing stuff with Finn. But I told you, this thing with you was going to be hard.
Kurt Hummel: Thing with me. You mean being gay?
Burt Hummel: Yeah. Being gay. Look, I will fight to the death for your right to love whoever you want, but when you were a little baby in my arms, did I dream about taking you to baseball games and talking about girls? Yeah, I did. A lot of fathers do.
Kurt Hummel: I had no idea how disappointing I was.
Burt Hummel: Hey, come on, now, stop it right now. I'm-I'm talking straight to you. Don't go playing the victim. You know that's not what I mean.
Kurt Hummel: I know. I'm sorry. I know you're working hard on yourself to make all this okay. Just seeing you, the way you are with Finn, how easy it is... It breaks my heart.
Burt Hummel: Is that why you were pretending to date that daffy cheerleader? And dressing differently, and singing Mellencamp?
Kurt Hummel: I just want you to know that... I'm going to work as hard as you to make this okay.
Burt Hummel: You don't have to work at anything, Kurt. Your job... is to be yourself, and my job is to love you, no matter what. Okay? That and a majority ownership in a tire store— that's all we got. Okay? We stick to that, we're going to be great.
Kurt Hummel: I missed you, Dad.
Burt Hummel: Oh, come here. I love you.
Kurt Hummel: Love you, too.



Sean Fretthold: Mom... Finn with you?
Rachel Berry: No, I came by myself. Is that okay?
Sean Fretthold: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: I, um... I just wanted to say thank you, and for showing me that just because I'm not good at anything other than singing doesn't mean I'm not any good if I can't sing. That sounded like a really bad greeting card.
Sean Fretthold: No. It was cool.
Rachel Berry: Well, anyways, I... I just thought I could maybe return the favor. I thought I could give you singing lessons. It sort of seemed like an area of interest for you. I'll-I'll come by, like, once a week or something, and we could just see how it goes? I've-I've helped almost everyone in our glee club, some by brute force, but...
Sean Fretthold: So, your voice came back.
Rachel Berry: Turns out that a heroic dose of antibiotics and a mysterious blend of herbal remedies and a vow of silence is all it takes to cure tonsillitis, so... I'll probably have to have my tonsils taken out eventually, but, um, I'm-I'm not scared anymore.
Sean Fretthold: Uh, so... do you want to give it a spin now?
Rachel Berry: Sing with you? Yeah. Yeah, I'd be honored.
Sean Fretthold: Come here. Take my hand?
Rachel Berry: Can you feel that?
Sean Fretthold: No. But it's weird. I remember what it feels like, and I can see it, so... It's like I can.
Rachel Berry: I-I, um... I thought we'd do a little classic rock today. Finn said you might like that.
Sean Fretthold: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: # Is it getting better? #
# Or do you feel the same? #
# Will it make it easier on you now? #
# You got someone to blame? #
Sean & Rachel: # You say... #
Sean Fretthold: # One love, one life #
# When it's one need, in the night #
# One love, we get to share it #
# Leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it... #
Finn Hudson: # Did I disappoint you? #
# Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? #
# You act like you never had love #
# And you want me to go without #
Finn & Rachel: # Well, it's too late #
# Tonight #
# To drag the past out into the light #
# We're one, but we're not the same #
# We get to carry each other, carry each other #
# One #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah #
Finn & Rachel: # One #
Mercedes Jones: # One #
Rachel Berry: # Love is a temple, love is a higher law #
# Love is a temple #
# Love is a higher law #
# You ask for me to enter, but then you make me crawl #
# And I can't be holding on to what you got #
# When all you got is hurt #
Finn & Rachel: # One love #
New Directions: # One love #
Finn & Rachel: # One blood #
New Directions: # One blood #
Finn & Rachel: # One life, you got to do what you should #
# One life #
New Directions: # One life #
Finn & Rachel: # With each other #
Rachel Berry: # Sisters #
New Directions: # Sisters #
Finn & Rachel: # And my brothers #
# One life #
# But we're not the same #
# We get to carry each other #
# Carry each other #
Rachel Berry: # One... #
Sean & Rachel: # One #
# One... #
外部リンク
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119. Dream On

放送日:2010年5月18日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week: Puck had to shave his Mohawk, and people started picking on him. So he started dating Mercedes to seem cool again 'cause she was on the Cheerios!, but then she quit.
Mercedes Jones: That's not who I am.
Ian Brennan: Finn's mom Carol is dating Kurt's dad Burt, which was totally Kurt's idea, but then Kurt got mad that Burt and Finn started hanging out.
Kurt Hummel: I miss you, Dad.
Ian Brennan: Rachel hurt her voice and couldn't sing, and she kind of thought that was the only thing that was important.
Rachel Berry: I need applause to live.
Ian Brennan: But then Finn introduced her to a friend who showed her that there's a lot worse things to lose than your voice.
Sean Fretthold: I compensate with humor.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Principal Figgins: William, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. He's the newest member of our school board. And he'd like to speak to you. Will Schuester, meet Mr. Bryan Ryan.
Bryan Ryan: We've met.
Will Schuester: Bryan Ryan. We went to school together, and he made my life a living hell. He was two years older. Dated every girl I liked. Got every solo.



Bryan Ryan: # Cheer up, Sleepy Jean #
# Oh, what can it mean? #
# To a daydream believer #
# And a homecoming queen... #
What's the matter, Schuester, cat got your talent?



Bryan Ryan: I'm here to do an audit of our curriculum, Will. We may need to cut some of our district's art programs.
Principal Figgins: It's really just a formality, William.
Bryan Ryan: No, it's not. We'll probably cut the glee club.
Will Schuester: What?! But-but you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life.
Bryan Ryan: It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in The Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue. We were a smash. Then for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. But when that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district. Then... something amazing happened. I was introduced to Jesus. He was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face. Global warming's a theory. And four nights a week, I run a show choir conversion group.



Brenda Castle: Hi, I'm Brenda. And it's been 42 days since I sang a show tune.
Show Choir conversion Group: Hi, Brenda.
Brenda Castle: Years ago when I auditioned to play Miss Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, I was asked to take my top off. Evidently, that is not... customary. And... That's when I started huffing glue.
Russell: My name is Russell; I'm a glee club survivor. Whenever anything bad would happen, I would just say, "Let's put on a show." Well, guess what? "Puttin' on a show!" about your father's prostate cancer : will actually just make him more depressed about the situation.
Bryan Ryan: Show choir kills.



Bryan Ryan: I just want to have a talk with your kids. Make sure you're not building up their hopes just to have them knocked down.
Will Schuester: What if I say no?
Principal Figgins: Just let him speak to the kids, William. Let Mr. Bryan Ryan contribute to the marketplace of ideas. What's the worst that can happen?



Will Schuester: Okay, guys, listen up. This is Mr. Ryan. He's a member of the school board, and he would like to say a few words. I-I just want you guys to listen critically and know that what he's saying is just one of many opinions.
Bryan Ryan: Take out a piece of paper. And on that paper, I want you to write down your biggest dream. A dream that means so much, you're afraid to admit it even to yourself. Your dream is never going to happen. 91% of you will spend your entire lives living in Allen County, Ohio. So unless you wrote down that your dream was to "work for a mid-market health insurance provider" or "find an entry level job in an elderly care facility," you're going to be very disappointed.
Mercedes Jones: This is really depressing.
Bryan Ryan: I'm going to guess that a lot of your dreams involve "showbiz." Well, let me tell you. Showbiz dreams are the most unrealistic of them all.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But... that's what I want to do with my life.
Bryan Ryan: Oh, look, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just trying to spare you disappointment.
Will Schuester: I think we get your point.
Bryan Ryan: Aw, well, Schuester here's a prime example. He used to have that glimmer of hope in his eyes that I can see right now in all of yours. But he couldn't make it happen for himself, so he now has to try and convince you all that it will happen for you. Guess what? His dream didn't work out. And neither will yours.
Will Schuester: Okay, you're done here.
Bryan Ryan: You would be wise to show me some respect.
Will Schuester: You've said your piece. Now get out.
Bryan Ryan: Well, Schuester, I should thank you. You've made my decision about which program to cut a lot easier.



Artie Abrams: Thanks.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Godard on Godard?
Artie Abrams: He was the master of the French New Wave. I was figuring that since I'm never going to become a star as a performer, maybe I could become one behind the camera. Did you know Christopher Reeve directed a movie after his accident? In the Gloaming.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Didn't see it.
Artie Abrams: Oh, me neither. Too depressing.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Is that what you wrote as your dream?
Artie Abrams: Before Bryan Ryan crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash? Yes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why are you lying to me? After everybody left, I went back for my book bag and something stopped me.
Artie Abrams: That was supposed to be private.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I don't understand you. You're always talking about wanting to get with me, but you won't be honest with me about your hopes and dreams.
Artie Abrams: I'm in a wheelchair, but I'm still a guy. What's the difference? I'm never going to actually become a dancer. My legs are never going to work again. It was stupid.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I was thinking— Mr. Schue is so busy dealing with Bryan Ryan that he didn't give us an assignment for the week. So, why don't we do one on our own. A dance number.
Artie Abrams: You want to dance with me?
Tina Cohen-Chang: You were pretty hot in "Proud Mary." Why don't we try and kick it up a few notches.



Jesse St. James: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Hi. How was your spring break?
Jesse St. James: Good. It's good to be back. What were you just rehearsing?
Rachel Berry: A guy came to Glee Club to talk to us about dreams. Luckily, I've known mine since I was four. I'm going to play three parts on Broadway— Evita, Funny Girl and Laurey in Oklahoma. I was just practicing her dream ballet with Curly. It's what I do when I'm feeling a little stressed.
Jesse St. James: That's not a dream. A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away. You singing, "Don't Cry For Me Argentina," in front of a sold-out crowd, isn't a fantasy. It's an inevitability.
Rachel Berry: I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse St. James: And miss all your drama? Never.



Jesse St. James: So what is it, your dream?
Rachel Berry: I don't know.
Jesse St. James: Well, then go inside, find it and ask it what it's gonna take.
Rachel Berry: Why are you pushing this?
Jesse St. James: Because you're my girlfriend, and I want to know all your secrets. When you lie awake at night, what's missing?
Rachel Berry: My mom.
Jesse St. James: Your mom? You mean like you want to meet her?
Rachel Berry: I just would like to know who she is. I don't really need to meet her or anything, but maybe just find out her name or... Something about her.
Jesse St. James: Hmm.
Rachel Berry: It's silly. It's not like it's going to happen or anything.
Jesse St. James: Why?
Rachel Berry: Well, just because my dad never told me anything, and I didn't want to ask them anything 'cause I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
Jesse St. James: So let's check it out without them knowing. Do you know why I came back to school here? To win another national title and make all your dreams come true. If this is one of them, then I'm not going to stop until it happens.



Artie Abrams: My tap wheels suck.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I thought we sounded pretty good.
Artie Abrams: You did. I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it. Will you bring me those? I borrowed them from John Hubner.
Tina Cohen-Chang: The kid with cerebral palsy?
Artie Abrams: They're his extra pair. Help me get up on them.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Have you ever used anything like these before?
Artie Abrams: No, but I have superhuman upper body strength from using my wheelchair. If I can just get up, I think I can use my arms to get around the room. Come on. You said we were going to kick it up a notch. Dreams aren't supposed to be easy. I'm going to try to take a step.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Okay. You're doing it. Are you okay?
Artie Abrams: Go away.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Let me bring your chair over.
Artie Abrams: Just go... away. You shouldn't have done this to me. You pushed me to do this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: Just go away, please. Go away.



Will Schuester: Hey, Bryan.
Bryan Ryan: Hello, Will. Just taking stock of the home ec supplies. You see, our home ec program teaches practical skills like food service preparation. Can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I mean, I suppose you could for a while, but... they'd be dead in a month. I'd like to buy you a beer.
Will Schuester: Oh. No, no. I want to convince you that you're wrong.
Bryan Ryan: You won't.
Will Schuester: Then... for old times' sake?



Rachel Berry: I found her.
Jesse St. James: Your mother? Where?
Rachel Berry: In the library. I've been researching her all morning, and as I suspected, my intuition has been proven correct. My mother is Broadway legend Patti Lupone. I've always had a deep connection to Ms. Lupone— her choice of roles and songs. I decided to do a little math to see if her being my mother was even possible. I was born December 18, 1994. 1994 was a big year for Mother. She was a sensation in Pal Joey. But that was in New York; I was born in Ohio, you say. Well, Mother took many breaks from the show to tour with Mandy Patinkin. That April found them at the EJ Thomas Hall in Akron, Ohio, for a standing room performance— nine months before I was born.
Jesse St. James: Are you saying that your fathers impregnated Patti LuPone in the Marriott in Akron? Was Mandy Patinkin in on this?
Rachel Berry: All you have to do is look at pictures of her in her performance in Master Class in 1996. Look at the pain in her eyes and the hurt she's feeling from giving up her obviously talented little girl.
Jesse St. James: One question: What was in it for her?
Rachel Berry: M-Money, a sense of charity for those in need? I don't know. Guess you're right. Do you want to hear my research that proves that my mother is Bernadette Peters?
Jesse St. James: Why are you so afraid about finding the truth?
Rachel Berry: I don't know, I guess I just don't want to think that my mother is some teenage trollop like Quinn, or worse, some skanky girl who would do anything for money, including giving me up.
Jesse St. James: Why does it have to be one of those choices? Maybe she had a really good reason for doing what she did. We need to do a real investigation. Like, CSI real. Do you have any baby stuff in your house, something that might give us a clue?
Rachel Berry: My fathers kept every piece of paper related to my life in files and cabinets in our basement. It's sort of a little Rachel Berry museum.
Jesse St. James: Perfect. We'll start there.



Will Schuester: You were a big deal at Mckinley. You had all the moves... You were one of those dudes where all the guys wanted to be you and all the girls wanted you.
Bryan Ryan: Not all of them.
Will Schuester: Really? All right, wh-who was the one that got away?
Bryan Ryan: Terri Delmonico. You remember her?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, she was, she was cool. Oh... I married her.
Bryan Ryan: No way.
Will Schuester: Yeah. It didn't really work out though.
Bryan Ryan: Wow. I'm sorry to hear that.
Will Schuester: She was great. I-I really loved her, and, you know, just... just grew apart. Do you know what gave me the strength to... finally get out of a terrible marriage? Music. Meeting those kids. Coaching Glee Club. No, you're right. I-I'm... I'm never going to be on Broadway. And maybe the same is going to go for most of those kids. But that's not the point. Glee Club— it's not just about expressing yourself to everyone else. It's about expressing yourself to yourself.
Bryan Ryan: I'm living a lie.
Will Schuester: What?
Bryan Ryan: I miss it so much! I am miserable. Ever since I stopped performing, I cannot stand my life! Three times a year, I tell my wife I'm going off to a business trip, I sneak out to New York, I see a bunch of Broadway shows. I have a box of Playbills hidden away in my basement, Will. Like porn. What are you doing?
Will Schuester: You remember? Sectionals, 1992. You sang this song alone on stage, just you and a piano. I mean, I... I know this isn't quite as theatrical, but you're gonna sing it again right now.
Bryan Ryan: I can't.
Will Schuester: Yes, you can.
# It's 9:00 on a Saturday #
# The regular crowd shuffles in #
# There's an old man sitting next to me #
# Making love to his tonic and gin #
Bryan Ryan: # He says, "Son, can you play me a memory? #
# "I'm not really sure how it goes #
# "But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete #
# When I wore a younger man's clothes" #
Will & Bryan: # La, la, la, de, de, da #
# La, la, de, de, da, da, dum #
# Sing us a song, you're the piano man #
# Sing us a song tonight #
# Well, we're all in the mood for a melody #
# And you've got us feeling all right #
Will Schuester: Whatever happened to you in the past, it's over. You've got to give it another shot. Lima Theatre Guild is doing a production of Les Miz. Auditions are Friday, and both of us are trying out. All right? Oh, oh, okay.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Hey. Sorry about yesterday.
Artie Abrams: No, I'm sorry. I do a pretty good job of being in denial about the hopelessness of my condition. I think I just kind of freaked out when I actually had to face it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Who says it's hopeless?
Artie Abrams: Like, every doctor I've ever seen.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe they're the wrong doctors. I went online and did some research about the new treatments on spinal cord injuries. Did you know that some doctors are implanting electrical stimulators in patients' bodies to recover hand movements?
Artie Abrams: My hands work.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're just starting to develop the technology. But in a year, five years, who knows? And some scientists at UC San Diego were actually able to regenerate a rat's damaged spinal cord. There are hundreds of studies going on right now using stem cells. I guess I just wanted to tell you not to give up on your dream. If you can imagine it, it can come true.



Jesse St. James: What took you so long? Your dads will be home soon.
Rachel Berry: There was so much stuff in the basement, it's like a shrine. It's creepy and flattering at the same time. But these boxes had the earliest dates on them, so... My baby teeth.
Jesse St. James: Look.
Rachel Berry: Is that me?
Jesse St. James: Looks like you.
Rachel Berry: Oh.
Jesse St. James: I think you're in fifth position.
Rachel Berry: Makes sense. My dad says they used to play Vivaldi into my mother's belly. Put that there. My first singing competition. I came in first place.
Jesse St. James: You were eight months old.
Rachel Berry: I was very musically verbal. Cute little baby shoes.
Jesse St. James: What's this? "From Mother to Daughter."
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, she wrote this. She held this in her hand. Wh-What are you doing?
Jesse St. James: Playing the tape.
Rachel Berry: No!
Jesse St. James: Why not? She wanted you to hear this.
Rachel Berry: I-I'm not ready. Look, this is all happening too fast. What if she's singing on the tape? What if she's terrible? Or worse, what if she's better than me?
Jesse St. James: I can't believe we're so close to your dream coming true, and you're running away from it.
Rachel Berry: No. It's, it's my choice. It's... It's my life, and... No, I'm-I'm not ready. Jesse, I think that you should go.



Woman: # The minute you walked in the joint #
# I could see you were a man of distinction #
# A real big spender #
# Good-looking... #
Will Schuester: Hey, buddy. Glad you showed up.
Bryan Ryan: Please don't distract me. I'm trying out for the role of Jean Valjean.
Will Schuester: So am I.
Bryan Ryan: Really?
Woman: # So let me get right to the point #
Bryan Ryan: What song do you plan on singing?
Will Schuester: I was going to sing "The Impossible Dream."
Bryan Ryan: Wow, really? Interesting. So am I.
Will Schuester: But then, I decided on Aerosmith's "Dream On." Yeah, me, too.
Bryan Ryan: That's what I'm gonna sing.
Will Schuester: Are you kidding me right...
Herb Duncan: Is there a problem out here?
Will Schuester: Yeah, there's a problem; this guy just stole my song!
Bryan Ryan: Uh, I don't know this man. His caretaker just stepped away. I overheard her mention he's a sex offender.
Will Schuester: Oh, you're gonna need a caretaker in a second, buddy.
Herb Duncan: I run a dry cleaners. I can only keep it closed for 30 minutes at a time.
Bryan Ryan: Thank you.
Herb Duncan: Sing it as a duet.
Will Schuester: # Every time that I look in the mirror #
# All these lines on my face getting clearer #
# The past is gone #
# It went by like dusk to dawn #
# Isn't that the way? #
# Everybody's got their dues in life to pay... #
Bryan Ryan: # Yeah, I know #
# Nobody knows #
# Where it comes and where it goes #
# I know everybody's sin #
# You got to lose to know how to win #
# Half my life's #
# In books' written pages #
# Lived and learned #
# From fools and from sages #
# You know it's true #
# All the things #
# Come back to you #
Will & Bryan: # Sing with me, sing for the year #
Bryan Ryan: # Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear #
Will Schuester: # Sing with me if it's just for today #
Will & Bryan: # Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you #
# Away-ay-ay... #
Will Schuester: # Yeah, dream on, dream on, dream on #
# Dream until the dream comes true-ue... ! #
Bryan Ryan: # Dream on, dream on, dream on, #
# Dream until your dream comes through! #
# Yeah, dream on #
Will Schuester: # Dream on #
Bryan Ryan: # Dream on #
Will Schuester: # Dream on #
Will & Bryan: # Dream on, dream on, dream on... #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! #
Herb Duncan: Thank you. We'll let you know.



Artie Abrams: I can't believe I just bought tap shoes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Think of them as an investment in your future. Do you want a pretzel?
Artie Abrams: Hell, yes, woman.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're upstairs. Do you mind waiting down here while I go get them?
Artie Abrams: As long as you're buying. Wait. I need to tell you something. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he started me on all of the therapies that you researched for me.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Really?
Artie Abrams: But guess what? They're working.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Artie, you can walk!
Artie Abrams: I've spent so many years dreaming about what I'd do if I could get up out of the chair. And now that I can, all I want to do is... dance.
# S... #
# A... #
# F... #
# E... #
# T... #
# Y #
# Safety Dance! #
# We can dance if we want to #
# We can leave your friends behind #
# 'Cause your friends don't dance #
# And if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine #
# I say we can go where we want to #
# A place where they will never find #
# And we can act like we come from out of this world #
# Leave the real one far behind #
# And we can dance #
# Dancez! #
# We can go where we want to #
# And that is young, and so am I #
# And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet #
# And surprise 'em with a victory cry #
# I say, we can act if we want to #
# Whoo! #
# If we don't, nobody will #
# And we can act real rude and totally removed #
# And I can act like an imbecile #
# I say, we can dance, we can dance #
# Everything's out of control #
# Whoo! #
# We can dance, we can dance, doing it from wall to wall #
# We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands #
# We can dance, we can dance #
# Everybody's taking the chan-an-ance #
# It's Safety Dance! #
# Well, it's Safety Dance! #
# It's Safety Dance! #
# We can dance if we want to #
# We've got all your life and mine #
# As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it #
# Everything'll work out right #
# Say, we can dance, we can dance #
# Everything's out of control #
# Out of control! #
# We can dance, we can dance, doing it from wall to wall #
# Wall to wall! #
# We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands #
# We can dance, we can dance #
# Everybody's taking the chan-an-ance # DANCERS: # With the Safety Dance, with the Safety Dance #
# With the Safety Dance #
# With the Safety Dance #
# Oh, it's Safety Dance #
# It's Safety Dance, it's Safety Dance #
# It's Safety Dance. #
Tina Cohen-Chang: You okay?
Artie Abrams: I'm gonna dance one day, you know.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I know you are.



Sue Sylvester: I thought you were gonna take a hatchet to that Glee Club.
Bryan Ryan: I was, but you may have heard, I plan on making my return to the stage next month in a local production of Les Miz, and I've had something of a personal awakening. So I've decided to examine all of the extracurricular activities here at this school, and Sue, your Cheerios budget is out of control.
Sue Sylvester: Let me remind you of something, Mr. Ryan. The Cheerios sell tickets.
Bryan Ryan: Not enough to offset your costs.
Sue Sylvester: I am very tired of athletics always taking a back seat. When daily P.E. was cut at this school, no one batted an eye. But cut a dance program, cancel the school musical, and suddenly there's an uproar.
Bryan Ryan: I did a little research, Sue. Did you know that studies have shown that reading Shakespeare might help kids learn physics? That singing helps you learn pitch, which makes learning a foreign language easier? That when a kid picks up a clarinet or a trumpet, every region of the cerebral cortex is stimulated? Well, that's all very interesting, but did you know that a third of American teenagers are obese, and only 2% of high schools require any form of daily physical activity? Where is your outrage about that, Mr. Ryan? Sports teach kids how to work together, teaches problem solving and social skills, it improves attendance, not to mention grades, particularly among those students deemed the most "at risk."
Sue Sylvester: You've done your homework.
Bryan Ryan: I'm an educator.
Sue Sylvester: Now, I realize my methods are unconventional, but my record speaks for itself. Is it a tad over the top to bill the district for skydiving lessons to have the Cheerios parachuted onto the football field? Perhaps. But what I do here makes a difference.
Bryan Ryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now, You ever heard of the term "anger sex"?
Sue Sylvester: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.
Bryan Ryan: I should tell you I'm married.
Sue Sylvester: Not a problem for me.
Bryan Ryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.
Sue Sylvester: You win some, you lose some.
Bryan Ryan: Should I lock the door?
Sue Sylvester: No. Got a secret room upstairs. Like Letterman.



Jesse St. James: She has the tape. She won't listen to it.
Shelby Corcoran: What? She has to listen to it. That's the point of all this.
Jesse St. James: I'm doing my best! Look, when you told me to seduce her...
Shelby Corcoran: "Befriend" her was the word I used, actually.
Jesse St. James: Whatever. The thing is, I was into it because I thought it would be a good acting exercise, but now I think I kind of like her. I don't want her to get hurt.
Shelby Corcoran: Look, one more week, this will all be done; you can come back to Vocal Adrenaline where you belong.
Jesse St. James: I don't understand why you don't just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name's Shelby. I'm your mom."
Shelby Corcoran: I signed a contract. I can't contact her until she's 18. She has to come to me. That's why she has to listen to the tape. Once she hears it, she won't be able to sleep until she finds me. I answered an ad in the paper. Nine months work here would make me enough money to live in New York for two years. Her dads seemed like nice guys, so I went for it. I never got to hold her. And I only saw her for a second when they were cleaning her off. It was through a bunch of nurses, but she turned her little head, and she looked at me. I've failed as an actress. My walls are lined with trophies instead of wedding pictures, but through all of of that... I only have one regret. You get her to listen to that tape.



Emma Pillsbury: You know, honestly, the only students that come and see me on a scheduled weekly basis are ones that have been diagnosed with psychological disorders, like a certain junior female that eats her own hair.
Artie Abrams: When I start walking, I'm gonna need help emotionally adapting to my drastically altered lifestyle.
Emma Pillsbury: Walking?
Artie Abrams: There are all these new therapies for my condition. I figure if I try them all, one's bound to work.
Emma Pillsbury: Um... You know, Artie, I have, um... You know, I've read your file before. Um... The damage to your spinal cord's pretty severe. Irreversible. I think you know that.
Artie Abrams: I used to know that until I saw the research.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you know how long the testing process takes for medical protocols like this? At least ten years, and-and that's before they even start human trials. So, you know, these... these studies really aren't even in their infancies yet. Look, I-I truly believe that there's gonna be a doctor that finds a cure for what happened to you, but I... You know, I don't think that's gonna be for... A long time. You know what? Um... maybe you're right. Maybe you should start coming to see me once a week for a while.
Artie Abrams: Thanks, Ms. Pillsbury.
Emma Pillsbury: Don't forget your, um, papers.



Bryan Ryan: Guys, I've got good news. I siphoned off funds from the Cheerios and I took a little shopping spree through the Jazzhands catalogue. You know why? 'Cause the arts matter. And I got custom-made New Directions jean jackets and some rad tearaway dancewear. Hello. And every piece of sheet music from every Broadway show for the last 50 years. Everything a show choir needs to become champions.
Will Schuester: Wow, that's just amazing. Let's all give a hand for Mr. Ryan.
Bryan Ryan: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Congratulations, Will. I'm over the moon for you.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Sue. I'm glad you have a good attitude about your budget being cut.
Sue Sylvester: No, no, I'm not talking about that. I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director, Herb Duncan, does the dry cleaning for the Cheerios and he let it slip that you just landed the lead in Les Miz! Congratulations. Oh, I'm ecstatic. And the good news just keeps coming, 'cause you got a part, too, Bry. The exciting role of Townsperson. And you got a line, too. Way back here in the second act, you get to say... "Hooray." Congratulations, both of you, really. I can't wait for opening night.
Will Schuester: Wait, Bryan.
Bryan Ryan: Congratulations, Will. You're going to be great in the show.
Will Schuester: Can we talk about this?
Bryan Ryan: Nothing to talk about. I'm cutting the program.



Bryan Ryan: Hooray! Hooray...
Will Schuester: Hey, Bryan. Can I talk to you for a second?
Bryan Ryan: Make it quick. I'm rehearsing. You know, reviewing my single line.
Will Schuester: I want to take one last shot at convincing you not to cut the program.
Bryan Ryan: Give it a rest, Will. You think you're helping these kids, when all you're doing is setting them up to be jaded and bitter.
Will Schuester: You're right. Cut the program, and they're certainly more likely to turn out like you.
Bryan Ryan: I've grown weary of your insults, Will. They sting, and they make me want to punch your face.
Will Schuester: You remember high school? Remember what it's like? Those kids get labeled the second they walk through the door freshman year. Geek, punk, jock, queer. I've seen who these kids in Glee Club really are. No labels, no preconceptions, their true spirits. Yes, most of them are not stars... But they shine like them. Do you know what happens when a star dies, Bryan? It doesn't just disappear. It turns into this black hole, this giant energy-sucking mass that doesn't just collapse in on itself; it takes away any light that comes close down with it. You take away Glee, you're not just putting out those kids' lights; you're creating 13 black holes. I want you to take my part. You should play Jean Valjean. I want you to understand how important the arts are for a person's soul. You're a black hole right now. Maybe this will help you remember what it's like to be a star.
Bryan Ryan: So, what you're saying is, you'll give me the part if I don't cut the program.
Will Schuester: Exactly.
Bryan Ryan: Cool. Deal. Oh, hey, sir. Hi. I'm your new lead, and, uh, I'd just like to set up some ground rules off the bat. First of all, I have a lot of ideas. And, uh, next, I don't really take direction.



Rachel Berry: Jesse, what are you doing here?
Jesse St. James: I said that I was going to help you make your dreams come true.
Rachel Berry: No. I'm not ready.
Jesse St. James: Yes, you are.
Shelby Corcoran: Hi, baby. It's your mom. I think this pretty much says it all.
# I dreamed a dream #
# In time gone by #
# When hope was high #
# And life worth living #
# I dreamed that love #
# Would never die #
# I dreamed that God #
# Would be forgiving #
Rachel Berry: # Then I was young #
# And unafraid #
# And dreams were made #
# And used and wasted #
# There was no ransom #
# To be paid #
# No song unsung #
# No wine untasted #
Shelby Corcoran: # But the tigers come at night #
Rachel Berry: # But the tigers come at night #
Shelby Corcoran: # With their voices soft as thunder #
# As they tear your hope apart #
Rachel Berry: # As they tear your hope apart #
Shelby Corcoran: # As they turn your dream #
Rachel & Shelby: # To shame... #
Rachel Berry: # And still I dream #
# She'll come to me #
# That we will live #
# The years together #
# But there are dreams #
# That cannot be #
# And there are storms #
# We cannot weather #
Rachel & Shelby: # I had a dream #
# My life would be #
# So different from this hell I'm living #
# So different now #
# From what it seemed #
# Now life has killed #
# The dream #
# I dreamed. #



Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie, please, think about this.
Artie Abrams: I have. You've worked too hard on this routine to have half a partner. Fact is, any of the guys in there could dance my part better than me without even rehearsing Well, except Finn.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But I want to dance with you.
Artie Abrams: I can't dance, and I never will. But... that's okay. I'm never going to dunk a basketball or kill a lion, either. I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true. I'm good, Tina. Really.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Will you at least sing the song?
Artie Abrams: Sure.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, listen up. Tina has something that she wants to share with all of us, but first, I have an announcement to make. You've all been reprieved. Bryan Ryan isn't cutting Glee.
Noah Puckerman: Did he die?
Will Schuester: No. He didn't die. He, uh, is going to be distracted for a couple months making his star turn in Les Miz. He got the lead role.
Quinn Fabray: But I thought you got the lead.
Will Schuester: I resigned. It was the price for keeping the club.
Finn Hudson: Sorry you had to do that, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: I'm not. You know, th-the way I see it, I'm trading my one dream for the chance that all 13 of you might find yours. I mean, come on— you can't argue with those numbers. So, let's start with Tina's dream. Come on up, Tina. Tina, I understand that you whipped up a little dance number for us— a breakout that we might use at Regionals.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yes.
Will Schuester: You got a dance partner?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Mike Chang.
Will Schuester: Chang.



Artie Abrams: # Stars shining bright above you #
# Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you" #
# Birds singing in the sycamore tree #
# Dream a little dream of me #
# Say nighty-night and kiss me #
# Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me #
# While I'm alone and blue as can be #
# Dream a little dream of me #
New Directions: # Da-da-da, da-da-da #
Artie Abrams: # Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you #
# Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you #
# But in your dreams, whatever they be #
# Dream a little dream of me, dream a little dream of me. #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week: Puck had to shave his Mohawk, and people started picking on him. So he started dating Mercedes to seem cool again 'cause she was on the Cheerios!, but then she quit.
Mercedes Jones: That's not who I am.
Ian Brennan: Finn's mom Carol is dating Kurt's dad Burt, which was totally Kurt's idea, but then Kurt got mad that Burt and Finn started hanging out.
Kurt Hummel: I miss you, Dad.
Ian Brennan: Rachel hurt her voice and couldn't sing, and she kind of thought that was the only thing that was important.
Rachel Berry: I need applause to live.
Ian Brennan: But then Finn introduced her to a friend who showed her that there's a lot worse things to lose than your voice.
Sean Fretthold: I compensate with humor.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Principal Figgins: William, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. He's the newest member of our school board. And he'd like to speak to you. Will Schuester, meet Mr. Bryan Ryan.
Bryan Ryan: We've met.
Will Schuester: Bryan Ryan. We went to school together, and he made my life a living hell. He was two years older. Dated every girl I liked. Got every solo.



Bryan Ryan: # Cheer up, Sleepy Jean #
# Oh, what can it mean? #
# To a daydream believer #
# And a homecoming queen... #
What's the matter, Schuester, cat got your talent?



Bryan Ryan: I'm here to do an audit of our curriculum, Will. We may need to cut some of our district's art programs.
Principal Figgins: It's really just a formality, William.
Bryan Ryan: No, it's not. We'll probably cut the glee club.
Will Schuester: What?! But-but you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life.
Bryan Ryan: It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in The Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue. We were a smash. Then for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. But when that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district. Then... something amazing happened. I was introduced to Jesus. He was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face. Global warming's a theory. And four nights a week, I run a show choir conversion group.



Brenda Castle: Hi, I'm Brenda. And it's been 42 days since I sang a show tune.
Show Choir conversion Group: Hi, Brenda.
Brenda Castle: Years ago when I auditioned to play Miss Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, I was asked to take my top off. Evidently, that is not... customary. And... That's when I started huffing glue.
Russell: My name is Russell; I'm a glee club survivor. Whenever anything bad would happen, I would just say, "Let's put on a show." Well, guess what? "Puttin' on a show!" about your father's prostate cancer : will actually just make him more depressed about the situation.
Bryan Ryan: Show choir kills.



Bryan Ryan: I just want to have a talk with your kids. Make sure you're not building up their hopes just to have them knocked down.
Will Schuester: What if I say no?
Principal Figgins: Just let him speak to the kids, William. Let Mr. Bryan Ryan contribute to the marketplace of ideas. What's the worst that can happen?



Will Schuester: Okay, guys, listen up. This is Mr. Ryan. He's a member of the school board, and he would like to say a few words. I-I just want you guys to listen critically and know that what he's saying is just one of many opinions.
Bryan Ryan: Take out a piece of paper. And on that paper, I want you to write down your biggest dream. A dream that means so much, you're afraid to admit it even to yourself. Your dream is never going to happen. 91% of you will spend your entire lives living in Allen County, Ohio. So unless you wrote down that your dream was to "work for a mid-market health insurance provider" or "find an entry level job in an elderly care facility," you're going to be very disappointed.
Mercedes Jones: This is really depressing.
Bryan Ryan: I'm going to guess that a lot of your dreams involve "showbiz." Well, let me tell you. Showbiz dreams are the most unrealistic of them all.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But... that's what I want to do with my life.
Bryan Ryan: Oh, look, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just trying to spare you disappointment.
Will Schuester: I think we get your point.
Bryan Ryan: Aw, well, Schuester here's a prime example. He used to have that glimmer of hope in his eyes that I can see right now in all of yours. But he couldn't make it happen for himself, so he now has to try and convince you all that it will happen for you. Guess what? His dream didn't work out. And neither will yours.
Will Schuester: Okay, you're done here.
Bryan Ryan: You would be wise to show me some respect.
Will Schuester: You've said your piece. Now get out.
Bryan Ryan: Well, Schuester, I should thank you. You've made my decision about which program to cut a lot easier.



Artie Abrams: Thanks.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Godard on Godard?
Artie Abrams: He was the master of the French New Wave. I was figuring that since I'm never going to become a star as a performer, maybe I could become one behind the camera. Did you know Christopher Reeve directed a movie after his accident? In the Gloaming.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Didn't see it.
Artie Abrams: Oh, me neither. Too depressing.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Is that what you wrote as your dream?
Artie Abrams: Before Bryan Ryan crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash? Yes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why are you lying to me? After everybody left, I went back for my book bag and something stopped me.
Artie Abrams: That was supposed to be private.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I don't understand you. You're always talking about wanting to get with me, but you won't be honest with me about your hopes and dreams.
Artie Abrams: I'm in a wheelchair, but I'm still a guy. What's the difference? I'm never going to actually become a dancer. My legs are never going to work again. It was stupid.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I was thinking— Mr. Schue is so busy dealing with Bryan Ryan that he didn't give us an assignment for the week. So, why don't we do one on our own. A dance number.
Artie Abrams: You want to dance with me?
Tina Cohen-Chang: You were pretty hot in "Proud Mary." Why don't we try and kick it up a few notches.



Jesse St. James: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Hi. How was your spring break?
Jesse St. James: Good. It's good to be back. What were you just rehearsing?
Rachel Berry: A guy came to Glee Club to talk to us about dreams. Luckily, I've known mine since I was four. I'm going to play three parts on Broadway— Evita, Funny Girl and Laurey in Oklahoma. I was just practicing her dream ballet with Curly. It's what I do when I'm feeling a little stressed.
Jesse St. James: That's not a dream. A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away. You singing, "Don't Cry For Me Argentina," in front of a sold-out crowd, isn't a fantasy. It's an inevitability.
Rachel Berry: I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse St. James: And miss all your drama? Never.



Jesse St. James: So what is it, your dream?
Rachel Berry: I don't know.
Jesse St. James: Well, then go inside, find it and ask it what it's gonna take.
Rachel Berry: Why are you pushing this?
Jesse St. James: Because you're my girlfriend, and I want to know all your secrets. When you lie awake at night, what's missing?
Rachel Berry: My mom.
Jesse St. James: Your mom? You mean like you want to meet her?
Rachel Berry: I just would like to know who she is. I don't really need to meet her or anything, but maybe just find out her name or... Something about her.
Jesse St. James: Hmm.
Rachel Berry: It's silly. It's not like it's going to happen or anything.
Jesse St. James: Why?
Rachel Berry: Well, just because my dad never told me anything, and I didn't want to ask them anything 'cause I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
Jesse St. James: So let's check it out without them knowing. Do you know why I came back to school here? To win another national title and make all your dreams come true. If this is one of them, then I'm not going to stop until it happens.



Artie Abrams: My tap wheels suck.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I thought we sounded pretty good.
Artie Abrams: You did. I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it. Will you bring me those? I borrowed them from John Hubner.
Tina Cohen-Chang: The kid with cerebral palsy?
Artie Abrams: They're his extra pair. Help me get up on them.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Have you ever used anything like these before?
Artie Abrams: No, but I have superhuman upper body strength from using my wheelchair. If I can just get up, I think I can use my arms to get around the room. Come on. You said we were going to kick it up a notch. Dreams aren't supposed to be easy. I'm going to try to take a step.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Okay. You're doing it. Are you okay?
Artie Abrams: Go away.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Let me bring your chair over.
Artie Abrams: Just go... away. You shouldn't have done this to me. You pushed me to do this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: Just go away, please. Go away.



Will Schuester: Hey, Bryan.
Bryan Ryan: Hello, Will. Just taking stock of the home ec supplies. You see, our home ec program teaches practical skills like food service preparation. Can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I mean, I suppose you could for a while, but... they'd be dead in a month. I'd like to buy you a beer.
Will Schuester: Oh. No, no. I want to convince you that you're wrong.
Bryan Ryan: You won't.
Will Schuester: Then... for old times' sake?



Rachel Berry: I found her.
Jesse St. James: Your mother? Where?
Rachel Berry: In the library. I've been researching her all morning, and as I suspected, my intuition has been proven correct. My mother is Broadway legend Patti Lupone. I've always had a deep connection to Ms. Lupone— her choice of roles and songs. I decided to do a little math to see if her being my mother was even possible. I was born December 18, 1994. 1994 was a big year for Mother. She was a sensation in Pal Joey. But that was in New York; I was born in Ohio, you say. Well, Mother took many breaks from the show to tour with Mandy Patinkin. That April found them at the EJ Thomas Hall in Akron, Ohio, for a standing room performance— nine months before I was born.
Jesse St. James: Are you saying that your fathers impregnated Patti LuPone in the Marriott in Akron? Was Mandy Patinkin in on this?
Rachel Berry: All you have to do is look at pictures of her in her performance in Master Class in 1996. Look at the pain in her eyes and the hurt she's feeling from giving up her obviously talented little girl.
Jesse St. James: One question: What was in it for her?
Rachel Berry: M-Money, a sense of charity for those in need? I don't know. Guess you're right. Do you want to hear my research that proves that my mother is Bernadette Peters?
Jesse St. James: Why are you so afraid about finding the truth?
Rachel Berry: I don't know, I guess I just don't want to think that my mother is some teenage trollop like Quinn, or worse, some skanky girl who would do anything for money, including giving me up.
Jesse St. James: Why does it have to be one of those choices? Maybe she had a really good reason for doing what she did. We need to do a real investigation. Like, CSI real. Do you have any baby stuff in your house, something that might give us a clue?
Rachel Berry: My fathers kept every piece of paper related to my life in files and cabinets in our basement. It's sort of a little Rachel Berry museum.
Jesse St. James: Perfect. We'll start there.



Will Schuester: You were a big deal at Mckinley. You had all the moves... You were one of those dudes where all the guys wanted to be you and all the girls wanted you.
Bryan Ryan: Not all of them.
Will Schuester: Really? All right, wh-who was the one that got away?
Bryan Ryan: Terri Delmonico. You remember her?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, she was, she was cool. Oh... I married her.
Bryan Ryan: No way.
Will Schuester: Yeah. It didn't really work out though.
Bryan Ryan: Wow. I'm sorry to hear that.
Will Schuester: She was great. I-I really loved her, and, you know, just... just grew apart. Do you know what gave me the strength to... finally get out of a terrible marriage? Music. Meeting those kids. Coaching Glee Club. No, you're right. I-I'm... I'm never going to be on Broadway. And maybe the same is going to go for most of those kids. But that's not the point. Glee Club— it's not just about expressing yourself to everyone else. It's about expressing yourself to yourself.
Bryan Ryan: I'm living a lie.
Will Schuester: What?
Bryan Ryan: I miss it so much! I am miserable. Ever since I stopped performing, I cannot stand my life! Three times a year, I tell my wife I'm going off to a business trip, I sneak out to New York, I see a bunch of Broadway shows. I have a box of Playbills hidden away in my basement, Will. Like porn. What are you doing?
Will Schuester: You remember? Sectionals, 1992. You sang this song alone on stage, just you and a piano. I mean, I... I know this isn't quite as theatrical, but you're gonna sing it again right now.
Bryan Ryan: I can't.
Will Schuester: Yes, you can.
# It's 9:00 on a Saturday #
# The regular crowd shuffles in #
# There's an old man sitting next to me #
# Making love to his tonic and gin #
Bryan Ryan: # He says, "Son, can you play me a memory? #
# "I'm not really sure how it goes #
# "But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete #
# When I wore a younger man's clothes" #
Will & Bryan: # La, la, la, de, de, da #
# La, la, de, de, da, da, dum #
# Sing us a song, you're the piano man #
# Sing us a song tonight #
# Well, we're all in the mood for a melody #
# And you've got us feeling all right #
Will Schuester: Whatever happened to you in the past, it's over. You've got to give it another shot. Lima Theatre Guild is doing a production of Les Miz. Auditions are Friday, and both of us are trying out. All right? Oh, oh, okay.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Hey. Sorry about yesterday.
Artie Abrams: No, I'm sorry. I do a pretty good job of being in denial about the hopelessness of my condition. I think I just kind of freaked out when I actually had to face it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Who says it's hopeless?
Artie Abrams: Like, every doctor I've ever seen.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe they're the wrong doctors. I went online and did some research about the new treatments on spinal cord injuries. Did you know that some doctors are implanting electrical stimulators in patients' bodies to recover hand movements?
Artie Abrams: My hands work.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're just starting to develop the technology. But in a year, five years, who knows? And some scientists at UC San Diego were actually able to regenerate a rat's damaged spinal cord. There are hundreds of studies going on right now using stem cells. I guess I just wanted to tell you not to give up on your dream. If you can imagine it, it can come true.



Jesse St. James: What took you so long? Your dads will be home soon.
Rachel Berry: There was so much stuff in the basement, it's like a shrine. It's creepy and flattering at the same time. But these boxes had the earliest dates on them, so... My baby teeth.
Jesse St. James: Look.
Rachel Berry: Is that me?
Jesse St. James: Looks like you.
Rachel Berry: Oh.
Jesse St. James: I think you're in fifth position.
Rachel Berry: Makes sense. My dad says they used to play Vivaldi into my mother's belly. Put that there. My first singing competition. I came in first place.
Jesse St. James: You were eight months old.
Rachel Berry: I was very musically verbal. Cute little baby shoes.
Jesse St. James: What's this? "From Mother to Daughter."
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, she wrote this. She held this in her hand. Wh-What are you doing?
Jesse St. James: Playing the tape.
Rachel Berry: No!
Jesse St. James: Why not? She wanted you to hear this.
Rachel Berry: I-I'm not ready. Look, this is all happening too fast. What if she's singing on the tape? What if she's terrible? Or worse, what if she's better than me?
Jesse St. James: I can't believe we're so close to your dream coming true, and you're running away from it.
Rachel Berry: No. It's, it's my choice. It's... It's my life, and... No, I'm-I'm not ready. Jesse, I think that you should go.



Woman: # The minute you walked in the joint #
# I could see you were a man of distinction #
# A real big spender #
# Good-looking... #
Will Schuester: Hey, buddy. Glad you showed up.
Bryan Ryan: Please don't distract me. I'm trying out for the role of Jean Valjean.
Will Schuester: So am I.
Bryan Ryan: Really?
Woman: # So let me get right to the point #
Bryan Ryan: What song do you plan on singing?
Will Schuester: I was going to sing "The Impossible Dream."
Bryan Ryan: Wow, really? Interesting. So am I.
Will Schuester: But then, I decided on Aerosmith's "Dream On." Yeah, me, too.
Bryan Ryan: That's what I'm gonna sing.
Will Schuester: Are you kidding me right...
Herb Duncan: Is there a problem out here?
Will Schuester: Yeah, there's a problem; this guy just stole my song!
Bryan Ryan: Uh, I don't know this man. His caretaker just stepped away. I overheard her mention he's a sex offender.
Will Schuester: Oh, you're gonna need a caretaker in a second, buddy.
Herb Duncan: I run a dry cleaners. I can only keep it closed for 30 minutes at a time.
Bryan Ryan: Thank you.
Herb Duncan: Sing it as a duet.
Will Schuester: # Every time that I look in the mirror #
# All these lines on my face getting clearer #
# The past is gone #
# It went by like dusk to dawn #
# Isn't that the way? #
# Everybody's got their dues in life to pay... #
Bryan Ryan: # Yeah, I know #
# Nobody knows #
# Where it comes and where it goes #
# I know everybody's sin #
# You got to lose to know how to win #
# Half my life's #
# In books' written pages #
# Lived and learned #
# From fools and from sages #
# You know it's true #
# All the things #
# Come back to you #
Will & Bryan: # Sing with me, sing for the year #
Bryan Ryan: # Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear #
Will Schuester: # Sing with me if it's just for today #
Will & Bryan: # Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you #
# Away-ay-ay... #
Will Schuester: # Yeah, dream on, dream on, dream on #
# Dream until the dream comes true-ue... ! #
Bryan Ryan: # Dream on, dream on, dream on, #
# Dream until your dream comes through! #
# Yeah, dream on #
Will Schuester: # Dream on #
Bryan Ryan: # Dream on #
Will Schuester: # Dream on #
Will & Bryan: # Dream on, dream on, dream on... #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! #
Herb Duncan: Thank you. We'll let you know.



Artie Abrams: I can't believe I just bought tap shoes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Think of them as an investment in your future. Do you want a pretzel?
Artie Abrams: Hell, yes, woman.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're upstairs. Do you mind waiting down here while I go get them?
Artie Abrams: As long as you're buying. Wait. I need to tell you something. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he started me on all of the therapies that you researched for me.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Really?
Artie Abrams: But guess what? They're working.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Artie, you can walk!
Artie Abrams: I've spent so many years dreaming about what I'd do if I could get up out of the chair. And now that I can, all I want to do is... dance.
# S... #
# A... #
# F... #
# E... #
# T... #
# Y #
# Safety Dance! #
# We can dance if we want to #
# We can leave your friends behind #
# 'Cause your friends don't dance #
# And if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine #
# I say we can go where we want to #
# A place where they will never find #
# And we can act like we come from out of this world #
# Leave the real one far behind #
# And we can dance #
# Dancez! #
# We can go where we want to #
# And that is young, and so am I #
# And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet #
# And surprise 'em with a victory cry #
# I say, we can act if we want to #
# Whoo! #
# If we don't, nobody will #
# And we can act real rude and totally removed #
# And I can act like an imbecile #
# I say, we can dance, we can dance #
# Everything's out of control #
# Whoo! #
# We can dance, we can dance, doing it from wall to wall #
# We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands #
# We can dance, we can dance #
# Everybody's taking the chan-an-ance #
# It's Safety Dance! #
# Well, it's Safety Dance! #
# It's Safety Dance! #
# We can dance if we want to #
# We've got all your life and mine #
# As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it #
# Everything'll work out right #
# Say, we can dance, we can dance #
# Everything's out of control #
# Out of control! #
# We can dance, we can dance, doing it from wall to wall #
# Wall to wall! #
# We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands #
# We can dance, we can dance #
# Everybody's taking the chan-an-ance # DANCERS: # With the Safety Dance, with the Safety Dance #
# With the Safety Dance #
# With the Safety Dance #
# Oh, it's Safety Dance #
# It's Safety Dance, it's Safety Dance #
# It's Safety Dance. #
Tina Cohen-Chang: You okay?
Artie Abrams: I'm gonna dance one day, you know.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I know you are.



Sue Sylvester: I thought you were gonna take a hatchet to that Glee Club.
Bryan Ryan: I was, but you may have heard, I plan on making my return to the stage next month in a local production of Les Miz, and I've had something of a personal awakening. So I've decided to examine all of the extracurricular activities here at this school, and Sue, your Cheerios budget is out of control.
Sue Sylvester: Let me remind you of something, Mr. Ryan. The Cheerios sell tickets.
Bryan Ryan: Not enough to offset your costs.
Sue Sylvester: I am very tired of athletics always taking a back seat. When daily P.E. was cut at this school, no one batted an eye. But cut a dance program, cancel the school musical, and suddenly there's an uproar.
Bryan Ryan: I did a little research, Sue. Did you know that studies have shown that reading Shakespeare might help kids learn physics? That singing helps you learn pitch, which makes learning a foreign language easier? That when a kid picks up a clarinet or a trumpet, every region of the cerebral cortex is stimulated? Well, that's all very interesting, but did you know that a third of American teenagers are obese, and only 2% of high schools require any form of daily physical activity? Where is your outrage about that, Mr. Ryan? Sports teach kids how to work together, teaches problem solving and social skills, it improves attendance, not to mention grades, particularly among those students deemed the most "at risk."
Sue Sylvester: You've done your homework.
Bryan Ryan: I'm an educator.
Sue Sylvester: Now, I realize my methods are unconventional, but my record speaks for itself. Is it a tad over the top to bill the district for skydiving lessons to have the Cheerios parachuted onto the football field? Perhaps. But what I do here makes a difference.
Bryan Ryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now, You ever heard of the term "anger sex"?
Sue Sylvester: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.
Bryan Ryan: I should tell you I'm married.
Sue Sylvester: Not a problem for me.
Bryan Ryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.
Sue Sylvester: You win some, you lose some.
Bryan Ryan: Should I lock the door?
Sue Sylvester: No. Got a secret room upstairs. Like Letterman.



Jesse St. James: She has the tape. She won't listen to it.
Shelby Corcoran: What? She has to listen to it. That's the point of all this.
Jesse St. James: I'm doing my best! Look, when you told me to seduce her...
Shelby Corcoran: "Befriend" her was the word I used, actually.
Jesse St. James: Whatever. The thing is, I was into it because I thought it would be a good acting exercise, but now I think I kind of like her. I don't want her to get hurt.
Shelby Corcoran: Look, one more week, this will all be done; you can come back to Vocal Adrenaline where you belong.
Jesse St. James: I don't understand why you don't just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name's Shelby. I'm your mom."
Shelby Corcoran: I signed a contract. I can't contact her until she's 18. She has to come to me. That's why she has to listen to the tape. Once she hears it, she won't be able to sleep until she finds me. I answered an ad in the paper. Nine months work here would make me enough money to live in New York for two years. Her dads seemed like nice guys, so I went for it. I never got to hold her. And I only saw her for a second when they were cleaning her off. It was through a bunch of nurses, but she turned her little head, and she looked at me. I've failed as an actress. My walls are lined with trophies instead of wedding pictures, but through all of of that... I only have one regret. You get her to listen to that tape.



Emma Pillsbury: You know, honestly, the only students that come and see me on a scheduled weekly basis are ones that have been diagnosed with psychological disorders, like a certain junior female that eats her own hair.
Artie Abrams: When I start walking, I'm gonna need help emotionally adapting to my drastically altered lifestyle.
Emma Pillsbury: Walking?
Artie Abrams: There are all these new therapies for my condition. I figure if I try them all, one's bound to work.
Emma Pillsbury: Um... You know, Artie, I have, um... You know, I've read your file before. Um... The damage to your spinal cord's pretty severe. Irreversible. I think you know that.
Artie Abrams: I used to know that until I saw the research.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you know how long the testing process takes for medical protocols like this? At least ten years, and-and that's before they even start human trials. So, you know, these... these studies really aren't even in their infancies yet. Look, I-I truly believe that there's gonna be a doctor that finds a cure for what happened to you, but I... You know, I don't think that's gonna be for... A long time. You know what? Um... maybe you're right. Maybe you should start coming to see me once a week for a while.
Artie Abrams: Thanks, Ms. Pillsbury.
Emma Pillsbury: Don't forget your, um, papers.



Bryan Ryan: Guys, I've got good news. I siphoned off funds from the Cheerios and I took a little shopping spree through the Jazzhands catalogue. You know why? 'Cause the arts matter. And I got custom-made New Directions jean jackets and some rad tearaway dancewear. Hello. And every piece of sheet music from every Broadway show for the last 50 years. Everything a show choir needs to become champions.
Will Schuester: Wow, that's just amazing. Let's all give a hand for Mr. Ryan.
Bryan Ryan: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Congratulations, Will. I'm over the moon for you.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Sue. I'm glad you have a good attitude about your budget being cut.
Sue Sylvester: No, no, I'm not talking about that. I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director, Herb Duncan, does the dry cleaning for the Cheerios and he let it slip that you just landed the lead in Les Miz! Congratulations. Oh, I'm ecstatic. And the good news just keeps coming, 'cause you got a part, too, Bry. The exciting role of Townsperson. And you got a line, too. Way back here in the second act, you get to say... "Hooray." Congratulations, both of you, really. I can't wait for opening night.
Will Schuester: Wait, Bryan.
Bryan Ryan: Congratulations, Will. You're going to be great in the show.
Will Schuester: Can we talk about this?
Bryan Ryan: Nothing to talk about. I'm cutting the program.



Bryan Ryan: Hooray! Hooray...
Will Schuester: Hey, Bryan. Can I talk to you for a second?
Bryan Ryan: Make it quick. I'm rehearsing. You know, reviewing my single line.
Will Schuester: I want to take one last shot at convincing you not to cut the program.
Bryan Ryan: Give it a rest, Will. You think you're helping these kids, when all you're doing is setting them up to be jaded and bitter.
Will Schuester: You're right. Cut the program, and they're certainly more likely to turn out like you.
Bryan Ryan: I've grown weary of your insults, Will. They sting, and they make me want to punch your face.
Will Schuester: You remember high school? Remember what it's like? Those kids get labeled the second they walk through the door freshman year. Geek, punk, jock, queer. I've seen who these kids in Glee Club really are. No labels, no preconceptions, their true spirits. Yes, most of them are not stars... But they shine like them. Do you know what happens when a star dies, Bryan? It doesn't just disappear. It turns into this black hole, this giant energy-sucking mass that doesn't just collapse in on itself; it takes away any light that comes close down with it. You take away Glee, you're not just putting out those kids' lights; you're creating 13 black holes. I want you to take my part. You should play Jean Valjean. I want you to understand how important the arts are for a person's soul. You're a black hole right now. Maybe this will help you remember what it's like to be a star.
Bryan Ryan: So, what you're saying is, you'll give me the part if I don't cut the program.
Will Schuester: Exactly.
Bryan Ryan: Cool. Deal. Oh, hey, sir. Hi. I'm your new lead, and, uh, I'd just like to set up some ground rules off the bat. First of all, I have a lot of ideas. And, uh, next, I don't really take direction.



Rachel Berry: Jesse, what are you doing here?
Jesse St. James: I said that I was going to help you make your dreams come true.
Rachel Berry: No. I'm not ready.
Jesse St. James: Yes, you are.
Shelby Corcoran: Hi, baby. It's your mom. I think this pretty much says it all.
# I dreamed a dream #
# In time gone by #
# When hope was high #
# And life worth living #
# I dreamed that love #
# Would never die #
# I dreamed that God #
# Would be forgiving #
Rachel Berry: # Then I was young #
# And unafraid #
# And dreams were made #
# And used and wasted #
# There was no ransom #
# To be paid #
# No song unsung #
# No wine untasted #
Shelby Corcoran: # But the tigers come at night #
Rachel Berry: # But the tigers come at night #
Shelby Corcoran: # With their voices soft as thunder #
# As they tear your hope apart #
Rachel Berry: # As they tear your hope apart #
Shelby Corcoran: # As they turn your dream #
Rachel & Shelby: # To shame... #
Rachel Berry: # And still I dream #
# She'll come to me #
# That we will live #
# The years together #
# But there are dreams #
# That cannot be #
# And there are storms #
# We cannot weather #
Rachel & Shelby: # I had a dream #
# My life would be #
# So different from this hell I'm living #
# So different now #
# From what it seemed #
# Now life has killed #
# The dream #
# I dreamed. #



Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie, please, think about this.
Artie Abrams: I have. You've worked too hard on this routine to have half a partner. Fact is, any of the guys in there could dance my part better than me without even rehearsing Well, except Finn.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But I want to dance with you.
Artie Abrams: I can't dance, and I never will. But... that's okay. I'm never going to dunk a basketball or kill a lion, either. I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true. I'm good, Tina. Really.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Will you at least sing the song?
Artie Abrams: Sure.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, listen up. Tina has something that she wants to share with all of us, but first, I have an announcement to make. You've all been reprieved. Bryan Ryan isn't cutting Glee.
Noah Puckerman: Did he die?
Will Schuester: No. He didn't die. He, uh, is going to be distracted for a couple months making his star turn in Les Miz. He got the lead role.
Quinn Fabray: But I thought you got the lead.
Will Schuester: I resigned. It was the price for keeping the club.
Finn Hudson: Sorry you had to do that, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: I'm not. You know, th-the way I see it, I'm trading my one dream for the chance that all 13 of you might find yours. I mean, come on— you can't argue with those numbers. So, let's start with Tina's dream. Come on up, Tina. Tina, I understand that you whipped up a little dance number for us— a breakout that we might use at Regionals.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yes.
Will Schuester: You got a dance partner?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Mike Chang.
Will Schuester: Chang.



Artie Abrams: # Stars shining bright above you #
# Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you" #
# Birds singing in the sycamore tree #
# Dream a little dream of me #
# Say nighty-night and kiss me #
# Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me #
# While I'm alone and blue as can be #
# Dream a little dream of me #
New Directions: # Da-da-da, da-da-da #
Artie Abrams: # Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you #
# Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you #
# But in your dreams, whatever they be #
# Dream a little dream of me, dream a little dream of me. #
外部リンク
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120. Theatricality

放送日:2010年5月25日


Tina Cohen-Chang: Am I in trouble?
Will Schuester: Come on. You've got more self-esteem than that. I think this might have something to do with your perfect attendance last semester.
Principal Figgins: No. Miss Cohen-Chang is in trouble. It has come to my attention that the look you sport is what is known as goth. American teens are coming down with a serious case of Twilight fever, transformed from normal children into vampires obsessed with the occult. And only yesterday, this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High.



Lauren Zizes: This is totally going to get Robert Pattinson's attention.
Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, hey. Oh, dear God!



Will Schuester: I don't mean to state the obvious, but you do know that vampires aren't real, right? They don't exist.
Principal Figgins: William, denial will not make this problem go away!
Tina Cohen-Chang: My parents won't even let me watch Twilight. My mom says she thinks Kristin Stewart seems like a bitch.
Principal Figgins: This is a serious problem! Miss Cohen-Chang, you've got to find yourself another style of dress!
Will Schuester: Hold on a second. Tina is shy and one way she's found to express herself is through her clothes. High school is an incredibly important time when kids get to explore who they are. When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.
Principal Figgins: Yes. For several years in my early 20s, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!
Tina Cohen-Chang: I think he thinks vampires are real.
Will Schuester: I think you're right.
Principal Figgins: Studies have shown that a strict dress code fosters a safe and stable learning environment with fewer instances of gang violence and vampirism. So, if I see you dressed in lacy demon clothes again, Tina Cohen-Chang, You will be suspended!



Carole Hudson: Step. Couple more.
Finn Hudson: Is there a car down here from me?
Carole Hudson: Honey, we're indoors.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Okay.
Carole Hudson: And open your eyes.
Kurt Hummel: Sparkling cider?
Carole Hudson: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: "Welcome home"? But who went somewhere?
Carole Hudson: Burt asked us to move in with them.
Finn Hudson: And this is how you're telling me?
Kurt Hummel: The party is my idea. If you're gonna say something, say it loud, right?
Burt Hummel: Yeah. It's gonna take some getting used to, but trust me, you're gonna love it, okay? Now you don't have to drag your tail over here every time you want to watch something on the old 55-incher. We got a lot of food - some ethnic food. It's some ethnicity, that's not ours.
Kurt Hummel: It's not ethnic.
Burt Hummel: Here you go.
Carole Hudson: Finn, this house is twice as big as ours. It has two bathrooms.
Burt Hummel: Two and a half.
Finn Hudson: I don't want an extra bathroom or a tuna crude. I just want my house back.
Kurt Hummel: I think I know what this resistance is about. Our room. And I couldn't agree more. The palate in here is totally unflattering to your skin tone. Not everyone can pull off Dior gray. We need to redecorate.
Finn Hudson: Wait, we're sharing a room? I'm not cool with that!
Carole Hudson: Baby, I know it's weird, okay? But can't be much of a surprise. And, in time, you're gonna be as happy as I am.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, look, I'll knock out a wall upstairs, I'll put an addition on, okay? But-but until then, maybe this will grease the wheels a bit, huh? Hey. Look, that's 300. Have at it. You redecorate this place.
Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, roomie. Mr. Ikea Catalog and I will have this all figured out. I am going to put together a palate that expresses who you are and who I want you to be.
Burt Hummel: Hey, what night's game night? You play Sorry?
Carole Hudson: You know...
Kurt Hummel: He will now.
Burt Hummel: I will beat you.



Artie Abrams: It's so weird.
Finn Hudson: This so isn't you.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.
Santana Lopez: Biker chick?
Finn Hudson: Cowgirl?
Mercedes Jones: Hood rat.
Quinn Fabray: Computer programmer.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cross-country skier.
Noah Puckerman: Catholic schoolgirl.
Brittany S. Pierce: Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Look, I appreciate it, guys, but it just isn't me. I know who I am, and I'm not allowed to show it. It's like communism.
Rachel Berry: Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?
Artie Abrams: Isn't that against the rules?
Rachel Berry: No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the Dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found 18 empty boxes of Christmas lights.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, no.
Rachel Berry: Which led me to . I asked them about red Chantilly lace. They were sold out.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, sweet Jesus.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my.
Will Schuester: Wait, what?
Kurt Hummel: They're doing Gaga.
Mercedes Jones: That's it. It's over.
Rachel Berry: Exactly.
Kurt Hummel: We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them.
Noah Puckerman: What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?
Kurt Hummel: Lady Gaga is a woman. She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation. And she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's true.
Artie Abrams: It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them.
Will Schuester: Hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment : Gaga.
Rachel Berry: Pens, we need pens. My ideas just come to me.
Will Schuester: Uh, my office. Right there.
Rachel Berry: I'm brainstorming. It's coming.



Shelby Corcoran: And claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four...
Mercedes Jones: Think they can see us?
Quinn Fabray: If they catch us, are we gonna have to go to jail?
Rachel Berry: Stealing their ideas is not a crime.
Shelby Corcoran: ... Six, seven, eight. And one, two...
Rachel Berry: Your shoes are making noise.
Shelby Corcoran: ... And five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three, four, five, six and seven...
Rachel Berry: They look amazing.
Shelby Corcoran: ... Claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six- uh, uh... Okay, okay, okay, just... enough. You guys aren't getting it. You're letting the costumes do all the work. Theatricality isn't about crazy outfits. It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline. You have to light yourselves on fire to make it work.
Rachel Berry: Gosh, she's good.
Shelby Corcoran: But being theatrical doesn't mean you have to be a nuclear explosion. It can be like, like a quiet storm. You just have to radiate emotion, express what's deep inside you. That's what theatricality is truly about. Do I have to demonstrate? "Funny Girl," E flat.
Rachel Berry: Exactly what I would have done : Barbra. I could do it in my sleep.
Shelby Corcoran: # Funny #
# Did you hear that? #
# Funny #
# Yeah, the guy said, "Honey #
# You're a funny girl" #
# That's me #
# I just keep them in stitches #
# Doubled in half #
# And though I may be #
# All wrong for the guy #
# I'm good for a laugh #
# I guess it's not funny #
# Life is far from sunny #
Mercedes Jones: Where are you going?
Quinn Fabray: Get back here.
Shelby Corcoran: # When the laugh is over #
# And the joke's on you #
# A girl ought to have #
# A sense of humor #
# That's one thing #
# You really need for sure #
# When you're a funny girl #
# The fella said "a funny girl" #
# Funny #
# How it ain't so funny #
# Funny girl. #
Rachel Berry: Ms. Corcoran? I'm Rachel Berry. I'm your daughter.



Rachel Berry: Did you ever regret it?
Shelby Corcoran: Yes. Then no. Then so much.
Rachel Berry: W-When did you realize it was the right time for me to find you?
Shelby Corcoran: I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me.
Rachel Berry: Was it hard for you to not become a star? To not have your dreams come true?
Shelby Corcoran: It felt like a broken promise. Like the Fisher King's wound - never heals.
Rachel Berry: Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. Even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic, and yet we feel so comfortable with it.
Shelby Corcoran: I've missed so much. How do you feel?
Rachel Berry: Thirsty. When I was little and I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad or just thirsty.
Shelby Corcoran: I shouldn't have done this. This was supposed to feel good. W-We were supposed to have some kind of slow-motion run into each other's arms. This is all wrong.
Rachel Berry: Maybe we can just go to dinner or something just to get over the initial shock.
Shelby Corcoran: I'm so sorry, Rachel. Uh... I'll... I'll call you.



Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Finn, come on in. I'm learning all this amazing stuff about Lady Gaga. She's got this thing called the "Haus of Gaga," which is like, this collective of artists and designers who collaborate on, on her styles and stage sets and her music. I think it's an exciting model for what we could be doing in Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't want to do Lady Gaga. And I suspect that... with the exception of Kurt... that none of the other guys are gonna want to do it either. I just feel like we're always doing whatever the girls want us to do.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Maybe I haven't been listening to you guys hard enough. So let's find a solution.
Finn Hudson: Well, I, uh, I actually already have one.



Noah Puckerman: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rock star name.
Quinn Fabray: You want to name our daughter "Jack Daniels"? She's a girl!
Noah Puckerman: Okay, fine, whatever. Jackie Daniels.
Quinn Fabray: The name is not the point. I told you this. I'm giving up the baby so I don't have to do this with you. This is good for you. Now you can go off and be a rock star yourself.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I love wearing champagne bubbles! I get to express a whole different side of myself! Because even though I'm painfully shy and obsessed with death, I'm a really effervescent person.
Kurt Hummel: Excuse me! Were you dropped on your heads?!
Dave Karofsky: What was that?
Kurt Hummel: I think you heard me. I'm just saying. Pick on me - that's fine - but don't throw around a girl.
Azimio Adams: Well, you know, lately, we haven't been able to tell the difference. We're not gaga for Gaga.
Dave Karofsky: You dress all freaky, and then you rub it in everybody's faces. I don't want to look at it all day! It's weird. It makes my eyes tired.
Azimio Adams: If you want to switch it up a bit, just go from Gap to Banana Republic.
Kurt Hummel: It's called being theatrical. We're showing off who you are. It's the same thing you do when you go to school with your football uniforms on. You're expressing yourself, and we have every right to do the same.
Azimio Adams: Well, you know what? The next time you want to express yourself a little like a circus freak, don't be shocked when my fist feels like expressing itself against your chin! Okay? Knock that crazy fool crepe-paper nonsense offa you.
Dave Karofsky: Let's go.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, you don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!
Azimio Adams: Watch your mouth, Hummel!
Dave Karofsky: And you know what, fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins.



Will Schuester: Little monsters, take a bow. All right! Ladies, Kurt, I am really, really impressed. Sientete. You know, you know what the best part is? Each one of those costumes shows off a different aspect of your personalities.
Noah Puckerman: Wait. Where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.
Mercedes Jones: Rachel kinda got some intense news yesterday.
Quinn Fabray: We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and...
Will Schuester: You guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what, what'd you find out?
Mercedes Jones: Okay, y'all ready? Miss Corcoran, their coach? She's Rachel's mom.
Will Schuester: Are you serious?
Artie Abrams: Way to bury the lead, Mercedes.
Noah Puckerman: We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel Berry: Never! I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look that expresses the longing for a childhood I was deprived of.
Brittany S. Pierce: You look terrible. I look awesome.
Mercedes Jones: I think it's the Kermit – the - Frog look.
Kurt Hummel: And we have a jumper.
Rachel Berry: Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on.
Will Schuester: Guys, why don't we worry about this later, and maybe try to focus on the song?
Rachel Berry: Couldn't agree more. Hit it!



Kurt Hummel: # Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! #
# Gaga, ooh-la-la! #
# Want your bad romance #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I want your ugly, I want your disease #
# I want your everything as long as it's free #
# I want your love #
# Love, love, love, I want your love #
Mercedes Jones: # I want your psycho, your vertical stick #
# Want you in my rear window, baby, it's sick #
# I want your love #
New Directions: # Love, love, love, I want your love, love, love #
# I want your love #
Quinn Fabray: # You know that I want you #
# And you know that I need you #
Kurt Hummel: # Because I'm a freak, baby! #
Quinn Fabray: # I want it bad, bad romance #
New Directions: # I want your loving and I want your revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh #
# I want your loving, all your love is revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa, oa-oa #
# Caught in a bad romance #
# Walk, walk, fashion, baby, work it #
# Move that thing, crazy walk, walk #
# Fashion, baby, work it #
# Move that thing, crazy walk, walk #
# Fashion, baby, work it, move that thing #
# Crazy walk, walk, passion, baby, work it #
# I'm a freak, baby #
Santana Lopez: # I want your love and I want your revenge #
# I want your love, I don't want to be bad #
New Directions: # Whoa-oa-oa-oa #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # I want your loving and I want your revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa #
# I want your loving, all your love is revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Whoa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #
# Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! #
# Roma-Roma-ma-ah! #
# Gaga, ooh-la-la! #
# Want your bad romance. #
Will Schuester: All right!



Dave Karofsky: What up, Finn?
Azimio Adams: What's that on your face? You got a bad pimple or something?
Dave Karofsky: A Finn-ple? Dude, are you wearing makeup?
Azimio Adams: I knew it was contagious. You moved in with that little Kurt kid, and now you got a bad case of the gay.
Finn Hudson: It's just something for Glee Club, all right?
Dave Karofsky: Oh, well, then it's definitely not gay, huh?
Finn Hudson: Get out of my way!
Azimio Adams: Man, how many times do we got go through this?! You being a jock and being in this Glee Club does not make you versatile. It makes you bisexual.
Dave Karofsky: And if we have to kick your ass to make you understand that, then our schedules are wide open.
Azimio Adams: Get out of my bathroom. You girls, y'all belong across the hallway. Glee boy!



Shelby Corcoran: Yeah, that's better, guys. Take five. And, ladies, I don't want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem.
Rachel Berry: Mom?
Shelby Corcoran: Honey, you gotta stop sneaking into these rehearsals.
Rachel Berry: It's kind of important.
Shelby Corcoran: Oh, dear God.
Rachel Berry: My dads can't sew. I really need a mom right now. Do you think you can help?



Rachel Berry: Sorry I'm late.
Mercedes Jones: Whoa, looking good, Rachel!
Rachel Berry: Thanks. My mom made it.
Will Schuester: Well, we're all here, so without further ado, I'd like to introduce The Boys!
Artie Abrams: Lima, Ohio, get ready to rock!
Finn Hudson: # Well, the night is young and you want some fun #
# Do you think you're gonna find it? #
New Directions: # Think you're gonna find it? #
Noah Puckerman: # You got to treat yourself like number one #
# Do you need to be reminded? #
New Directions: # Need to be reminded? #
Artie Abrams: # It doesn't matter what you do or say #
# Just forget the things that you've been told #
# We can't do it any other way #
# Everybody's got to rock and roll #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, ooh ! #
# Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
# Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # If you don't feel good #
# There's a way you could #
# Don't sit there broken-hearted #
New Directions: # Sit there broken-hearted! #
Finn Hudson: # Call all your friends in the neighborhood #
# And get the party started #
New Directions: # Get the party started #
# Don't let 'em tell you that there's too much noise #
# They're too old to really understand #
# You'll still get rowdy #
# With the girls and boys #
# 'Cause it's time for you to take a stand #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Yeah! Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Noah Puckerman: # You got to have a party #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # Turn it up louder #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # Oh, yeah-yeah! #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # Hear it getting louder #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Will Schuester: All right, guys, very impressive. Very, very... loud. But what, uh, what does that performance express? And what do those costumes illustrate?
Mike Chang: We did our research, Mr. Schue.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, Finn's demon look is because Gene Simmons liked comic books as a kid, and they called Paul Stanley the "Star Child" because he was a romantic or something. But that doesn't really explain my whore lips.
Artie Abrams: And my Ace Frehley is supposed to be a spaceman from another planet. Mike's iconic catman is because Peter Criss claimed to have nine lives.
Matt Rutherford: Yeah, and I'm dressed as the guy who replaced Artie when he quits.
Will Schuester: Well, congratulations, guys. Job well done. Let's give it up for the boys!



Kurt Hummel: I thought the boy's KISS number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing.
Dave Karofsky: We warned you.
Azimio Adams: Now Gaga's got to go.



Kurt Hummel: Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit?
Finn Hudson: Are you serious? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends.
Kurt Hummel: Let them think what they want. They're Neanderthals. In three years, they'll be cleaning my septic tank.
Finn Hudson: Don't you get it? It's not just them. We live in Ohio - not New York or San Francisco or some other city where people eat vegetables that aren't fried. I don't understand why you always need to make such a big spectacle of yourself. Why can't you just work harder at blending in?
Kurt Hummel: I'm sure that'd be easier for you.
Finn Hudson: You know, it would.
Kurt Hummel: You are such a boy. You're going to have to use a moist towelette if you want to get that makeup off.
Finn Hudson: Don't touch me!
Kurt Hummel: What is your problem, Finn? It's just a moist towelette!
Finn Hudson: I'm gonna finish in the laundry room.
Kurt Hummel: Grow up, Finn!



Shelby Corcoran: I know why you called, and don't worry about it. My reconnection with Rachel is not some kind of plot to mess with you guys before regionals.
Will Schuester: I'm not worried about regionals. It's Rachel. She's special. She's got all of the best of you. She's strong-willed, dramatic, wildly talented.
Shelby Corcoran: Go on.
Will Schuester: But she's not hard like you. She's fragile. Over-emotional. And she's clearly convinced herself that you are as committed to this reunion as she is. And I don't think you are. You're not prepared to have a teenage daughter. Are you?
Shelby Corcoran: I can't have any more kids. There were issues a few years back. Then some surgery, and that's that. I really wanted a daughter. That's why it was so important to me to make that bond with her. But you're right. I wanted my baby back. Rachel's an adult now. She doesn't need me.
Will Schuester: Shelby, I can't tell you what to do... But if you really love her, you have to tell her what you just told me.



Kurt Hummel: I had to skip school to finish it, but I think you're really going to like it. Consider it a peace offering after all the yelling that we've been doing. I used Marlene Dietrich and Gary Cooper in Morocco as my inspiration. It's a perfect blend of the masculine and the feminine, the muted and the theatrical.
Finn Hudson: Are you freaking insane? I can't live here. I'm a dude. What the hell is that supposed to be?
Kurt Hummel: It's a privacy partition. It's all I could find on such short notice. Why are you getting angry about everything? I worked hard on this.
Finn Hudson: That's not a privacy partition! Why is it so hard for you to understand? I don't want to get dressed in front of you! Do you know that I put my underwear on in the shower before I come out when you're around? I just... I don't want to have to worry about that kind of stuff in my own room, man.
Kurt Hummel: And what stuff are you referring to?
Finn Hudson: You know. You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Why can't you just accept that I'm not like you?
Kurt Hummel: I have accepted that.
Finn Hudson: No, you haven't. You think I don't see the way you stare at me? How flirty you get. You think I don't know why you got so excited that we were going to be moving in together?
Kurt Hummel: It's just a room, Finn! We can redecorate it if you want to!
Finn Hudson: Okay, good. Well, then the first thing that needs to go is that faggy lamp. And then we need to get rid of this faggy couch cover...
Burt Hummel: Hey! What did you just call him?
Finn Hudson: Oh, no, no, I didn't call him anything. I was talking to the blanket.
Burt Hummel: If you use that word, you're talking about him.
Kurt Hummel: Relax, Dad. I didn't take it that way.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. You use the "N" word?
Finn Hudson: Of course not.
Burt Hummel: How about "retard"? You call that nice girl in Cheerios! With Kurt, you call her a retard?
Finn Hudson: Becky-- no. She's my friend. She's got Down syndrome. I'd never call her that. That's cruel.
Burt Hummel: But you think it's okay to come into my house and say "faggy"?
Finn Hudson: That's not what I meant...
Burt Hummel: I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice, we'd tell him to stop being such a fag. Shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club and being raised by your mom meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kind of, you know, came into the world knowing what has taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry, Finn, but you can't... you can't stay here.
Kurt Hummel: Dad.
Burt Hummel: I love your mom. And maybe this is going to cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. This is our home, Kurt. He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want, but not under my roof. The place looks great.



Kurt Hummel: You look like you should be in orbit.
Tina Cohen-Chang: My balls keep fallinoff.
Kurt Hummel: I've been there.
Finn Hudson: I want to talk about this.
Kurt Hummel: There's not much to say. I feel sorry for you. I thought you were different.
Finn Hudson: I am different.
Will Schuester: All right, let's get things started.
Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue. There's something I want to say to Quinn. And I want everybody to hear it.
Will Schuester: All right.
Noah Puckerman: At first I didn't really get this theatrical assignment, being larger than life and putting it all out there, 'cause I'm kind of like that all the time. That's how my dad was, too. He was too busy being all crazy and rock and roll to be there for his kid. And you know what? I didn't care that my dad was a badass. I just wanted him to be there. And he never was. And then I learned all this KISS stuff and while Jackie Daniels is a great name for like a powerboat or something, it's not right for a baby girl. So if my KISS mates will help me out, I got a better idea. Grab a stool, guys.
# Beth, I hear you calling #
# But I can't come home right now #
# Me and the boys are playing #
# And we just can't find the sound #
New Directions: # Just a few more hours #
# And I'll be right home to you #
# I think I hear them calling #
# Oh, Beth, what can I do? #
# Beth, what can I do? #
Finn Hudson: # You say you feel so empty #
# That our house just ain't our home #
# I'm always somewhere else #
# And you're always there alone #
New Directions: # Just a few more hours #
# And I'll be right home to you #
# I think I hear them calling #
# Oh, Beth, what can I do? #
# Beth, what can I do? #
Noah Puckerman: # Beth, I know you're lonely #
# And I hope you'll be all right #
# 'Cause me and the boys will be playing all night #
# All night. #
Noah Puckerman: I know you're giving her up, but before you do, I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her.



Shelby Corcoran: So, how'd your dads come up with the name "Rachel"?
Rachel Berry: They were, um, big Friends fans. I know why you're here... to say good-bye.
Shelby Corcoran: I really wanted this to work. Do you know what really turned me? That story that you told me about your dads, and how they'd bring you water when you were sad. We're never gonna have anything like that. It's too late for us. I just think that anything we share right now is gonna be confusing for you.
Rachel Berry: I just don't understand. You're my mom. I feel awful right now, and I should want to just fall into your arms and let you rock me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, but... I just don't feel it.
Shelby Corcoran: It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom.
Rachel Berry: So what? Do we just pretend we don't know each other now?
Shelby Corcoran: That seems silly. Let's just be grateful for one another... from afar. For a while. Don't think for a second I'm gonna go soft on you during regionals.
Rachel Berry: Bring it.
Shelby Corcoran: Can I have a hug good-bye?
Rachel Berry: Sure.
Shelby Corcoran: Can you do me one more favor? Sometime when you're thirsty... Can you get yourself some water from this cup? Gold stars are kinda my thing.
Rachel Berry: Of course. Shelby... before you go, will... will you sing with me? Just one time. It's sort of a fantasy of mine, and it would really mean a lot to me.
Shelby Corcoran: I would be honored.
Rachel Berry: Brad! He's always just around. Um, take that. Here you go.
# I want to hold 'em like they do in Texas, please #
# Fold 'em, let 'em hit me, raise it #
# Baby, stay with me #
# Love the game, and intuition #
# Play the cards with spades to start #
# And after he's been hooked #
# I'll play the one that's sewn his heart #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh #
# I'll get him hot and show him what I got #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh #
# Oh-oh, oh, I'll get him hot #
# And show him what I got #
Shelby Corcoran: # Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
Rachel Berry: # She's got to love nobody #
Shelby Corcoran: # Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
Rachel & Shelby: # She's got to love nobody #
# Poker face, p-p-poker face #
# P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face #
Shelby Corcoran: # I want to roll with him #
# A hard pair we will be #
# A little gambling is fun #
# When you're with me #
# Russian roulette is not the same without a gun #
# And, baby, when it's love #
# If it ain't rough, it isn't fun #
Rachel & Shelby: # Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-uh-oh-oh, oh #
# I'll get him hot #
Shelby Corcoran: # Show him what I got #
# Can't read my #
Rachel Berry: # Can't read my #
Rachel & Shelby: # No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody #
# Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody #
Shelby Corcoran: # I won't tell you that I love you #
# Kiss or hug you #
# 'Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin #
# I'm not lying #
# I'm just stunnin' with love-glue-gunnin' #
Rachel Berry: # Just like a chick in the casino #
# Take your bank before I pay you out #
Shelby Corcoran: # I promise this, I promise this #
# Check this hand #
# 'Cause I am marvelous #
# I'm marvelous #
Rachel Berry: # I'm marvelous #
Rachel & Shelby: # I'm marvelous #
# So marvelous #
# She's got to love nobody #
# Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody. #
Shelby Corcoran: You are really, really good.



Artie Abrams: It's the end of the week. We were kinda hoping to learn what the lesson of the assignment was.
Will Schuester: Well, um... You guys have had some great numbers this week, but I'm not totally sure that I know either.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I do. I refuse to dress like somebody I'm not to be somebody I'm not. And I learned it's good to be a little theatrical.



Tina Cohen-Chang: So here's what's going to happen. My dad - he's the king of the vampires. And Asian vampires are the most vicious of all the vampires. You're going to let me wear my lady demon clothes, or my dad will fly into your bedroom and bite your face off. He's really pissed. Is that what you want?
Principal Figgins: No, I don't want that. I'm afraid.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Now I have to go back to my coffin because the light is burning my eyes!



Will Schuester: There she is.
Artie Abrams: Wait. Where's Kurt? And where's Finn?



Kurt Hummel: Fine. You want to hit me? You want to beat me up? Go ahead. But I swear to you. I will never change. I'm proud to be different. I t's the best thing about me. So go ahead, hit me.
Azimio Adams: I believe I will. Sir, would you like to go first?
Finn Hudson: You're not hitting anyone.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God.
Azimio Adams: Is he wearing a red rubber dress or am I trippin'?
Finn Hudson: I want to thank you, Kurt. I realize I still have a lot to learn, but the reason I'm here right now... In a shower curtain, is... Because of you. And I'm not going to let anyone lay a hand on you.
Dave Karofsky: Oh, really, dude? 'Cause I'm pretty sure we can take both of you.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah? But can you take all of us?
Azimio Adams: Okay. Okay, I get it. I took biology. You know what, Karofsky? We done disturbed the freak hive. The worker freaks is trying to protect the queen freak.
Dave Karofsky: Next time... We'll bring some friends, too.
Rachel Berry: I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks.
Mercedes Jones: Take a look at us. We are freaks.
Finn Hudson: But we're all freaks together. And we shouldn't have to hide it.
Will Schuester: Nice job, Finn. I think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I had planned it. But Mercedes is right, you do all look incredibly insane.
New Directions: Thank you. Thank you.
Will Schuester: You're so welcome. Anyways, let's get back to work before you're all forced to join the circus. Next stop? Regionals.


Tina Cohen-Chang: Am I in trouble?
Will Schuester: Come on. You've got more self-esteem than that. I think this might have something to do with your perfect attendance last semester.
Principal Figgins: No. Miss Cohen-Chang is in trouble. It has come to my attention that the look you sport is what is known as goth. American teens are coming down with a serious case of Twilight fever, transformed from normal children into vampires obsessed with the occult. And only yesterday, this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High.



Lauren Zizes: This is totally going to get Robert Pattinson's attention.
Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, hey. Oh, dear God!



Will Schuester: I don't mean to state the obvious, but you do know that vampires aren't real, right? They don't exist.
Principal Figgins: William, denial will not make this problem go away!
Tina Cohen-Chang: My parents won't even let me watch Twilight. My mom says she thinks Kristin Stewart seems like a bitch.
Principal Figgins: This is a serious problem! Miss Cohen-Chang, you've got to find yourself another style of dress!
Will Schuester: Hold on a second. Tina is shy and one way she's found to express herself is through her clothes. High school is an incredibly important time when kids get to explore who they are. When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.
Principal Figgins: Yes. For several years in my early 20s, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!
Tina Cohen-Chang: I think he thinks vampires are real.
Will Schuester: I think you're right.
Principal Figgins: Studies have shown that a strict dress code fosters a safe and stable learning environment with fewer instances of gang violence and vampirism. So, if I see you dressed in lacy demon clothes again, Tina Cohen-Chang, You will be suspended!



Carole Hudson: Step. Couple more.
Finn Hudson: Is there a car down here from me?
Carole Hudson: Honey, we're indoors.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Okay.
Carole Hudson: And open your eyes.
Kurt Hummel: Sparkling cider?
Carole Hudson: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: "Welcome home"? But who went somewhere?
Carole Hudson: Burt asked us to move in with them.
Finn Hudson: And this is how you're telling me?
Kurt Hummel: The party is my idea. If you're gonna say something, say it loud, right?
Burt Hummel: Yeah. It's gonna take some getting used to, but trust me, you're gonna love it, okay? Now you don't have to drag your tail over here every time you want to watch something on the old 55-incher. We got a lot of food - some ethnic food. It's some ethnicity, that's not ours.
Kurt Hummel: It's not ethnic.
Burt Hummel: Here you go.
Carole Hudson: Finn, this house is twice as big as ours. It has two bathrooms.
Burt Hummel: Two and a half.
Finn Hudson: I don't want an extra bathroom or a tuna crude. I just want my house back.
Kurt Hummel: I think I know what this resistance is about. Our room. And I couldn't agree more. The palate in here is totally unflattering to your skin tone. Not everyone can pull off Dior gray. We need to redecorate.
Finn Hudson: Wait, we're sharing a room? I'm not cool with that!
Carole Hudson: Baby, I know it's weird, okay? But can't be much of a surprise. And, in time, you're gonna be as happy as I am.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, look, I'll knock out a wall upstairs, I'll put an addition on, okay? But-but until then, maybe this will grease the wheels a bit, huh? Hey. Look, that's 300. Have at it. You redecorate this place.
Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, roomie. Mr. Ikea Catalog and I will have this all figured out. I am going to put together a palate that expresses who you are and who I want you to be.
Burt Hummel: Hey, what night's game night? You play Sorry?
Carole Hudson: You know...
Kurt Hummel: He will now.
Burt Hummel: I will beat you.



Artie Abrams: It's so weird.
Finn Hudson: This so isn't you.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.
Santana Lopez: Biker chick?
Finn Hudson: Cowgirl?
Mercedes Jones: Hood rat.
Quinn Fabray: Computer programmer.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cross-country skier.
Noah Puckerman: Catholic schoolgirl.
Brittany S. Pierce: Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Look, I appreciate it, guys, but it just isn't me. I know who I am, and I'm not allowed to show it. It's like communism.
Rachel Berry: Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?
Artie Abrams: Isn't that against the rules?
Rachel Berry: No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the Dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found 18 empty boxes of Christmas lights.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, no.
Rachel Berry: Which led me to . I asked them about red Chantilly lace. They were sold out.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, sweet Jesus.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my.
Will Schuester: Wait, what?
Kurt Hummel: They're doing Gaga.
Mercedes Jones: That's it. It's over.
Rachel Berry: Exactly.
Kurt Hummel: We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them.
Noah Puckerman: What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?
Kurt Hummel: Lady Gaga is a woman. She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation. And she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's true.
Artie Abrams: It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them.
Will Schuester: Hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment : Gaga.
Rachel Berry: Pens, we need pens. My ideas just come to me.
Will Schuester: Uh, my office. Right there.
Rachel Berry: I'm brainstorming. It's coming.



Shelby Corcoran: And claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four...
Mercedes Jones: Think they can see us?
Quinn Fabray: If they catch us, are we gonna have to go to jail?
Rachel Berry: Stealing their ideas is not a crime.
Shelby Corcoran: ... Six, seven, eight. And one, two...
Rachel Berry: Your shoes are making noise.
Shelby Corcoran: ... And five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three, four, five, six and seven...
Rachel Berry: They look amazing.
Shelby Corcoran: ... Claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six- uh, uh... Okay, okay, okay, just... enough. You guys aren't getting it. You're letting the costumes do all the work. Theatricality isn't about crazy outfits. It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline. You have to light yourselves on fire to make it work.
Rachel Berry: Gosh, she's good.
Shelby Corcoran: But being theatrical doesn't mean you have to be a nuclear explosion. It can be like, like a quiet storm. You just have to radiate emotion, express what's deep inside you. That's what theatricality is truly about. Do I have to demonstrate? "Funny Girl," E flat.
Rachel Berry: Exactly what I would have done : Barbra. I could do it in my sleep.
Shelby Corcoran: # Funny #
# Did you hear that? #
# Funny #
# Yeah, the guy said, "Honey #
# You're a funny girl" #
# That's me #
# I just keep them in stitches #
# Doubled in half #
# And though I may be #
# All wrong for the guy #
# I'm good for a laugh #
# I guess it's not funny #
# Life is far from sunny #
Mercedes Jones: Where are you going?
Quinn Fabray: Get back here.
Shelby Corcoran: # When the laugh is over #
# And the joke's on you #
# A girl ought to have #
# A sense of humor #
# That's one thing #
# You really need for sure #
# When you're a funny girl #
# The fella said "a funny girl" #
# Funny #
# How it ain't so funny #
# Funny girl. #
Rachel Berry: Ms. Corcoran? I'm Rachel Berry. I'm your daughter.



Rachel Berry: Did you ever regret it?
Shelby Corcoran: Yes. Then no. Then so much.
Rachel Berry: W-When did you realize it was the right time for me to find you?
Shelby Corcoran: I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me.
Rachel Berry: Was it hard for you to not become a star? To not have your dreams come true?
Shelby Corcoran: It felt like a broken promise. Like the Fisher King's wound - never heals.
Rachel Berry: Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. Even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic, and yet we feel so comfortable with it.
Shelby Corcoran: I've missed so much. How do you feel?
Rachel Berry: Thirsty. When I was little and I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad or just thirsty.
Shelby Corcoran: I shouldn't have done this. This was supposed to feel good. W-We were supposed to have some kind of slow-motion run into each other's arms. This is all wrong.
Rachel Berry: Maybe we can just go to dinner or something just to get over the initial shock.
Shelby Corcoran: I'm so sorry, Rachel. Uh... I'll... I'll call you.



Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Finn, come on in. I'm learning all this amazing stuff about Lady Gaga. She's got this thing called the "Haus of Gaga," which is like, this collective of artists and designers who collaborate on, on her styles and stage sets and her music. I think it's an exciting model for what we could be doing in Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't want to do Lady Gaga. And I suspect that... with the exception of Kurt... that none of the other guys are gonna want to do it either. I just feel like we're always doing whatever the girls want us to do.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Maybe I haven't been listening to you guys hard enough. So let's find a solution.
Finn Hudson: Well, I, uh, I actually already have one.



Noah Puckerman: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rock star name.
Quinn Fabray: You want to name our daughter "Jack Daniels"? She's a girl!
Noah Puckerman: Okay, fine, whatever. Jackie Daniels.
Quinn Fabray: The name is not the point. I told you this. I'm giving up the baby so I don't have to do this with you. This is good for you. Now you can go off and be a rock star yourself.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I love wearing champagne bubbles! I get to express a whole different side of myself! Because even though I'm painfully shy and obsessed with death, I'm a really effervescent person.
Kurt Hummel: Excuse me! Were you dropped on your heads?!
Dave Karofsky: What was that?
Kurt Hummel: I think you heard me. I'm just saying. Pick on me - that's fine - but don't throw around a girl.
Azimio Adams: Well, you know, lately, we haven't been able to tell the difference. We're not gaga for Gaga.
Dave Karofsky: You dress all freaky, and then you rub it in everybody's faces. I don't want to look at it all day! It's weird. It makes my eyes tired.
Azimio Adams: If you want to switch it up a bit, just go from Gap to Banana Republic.
Kurt Hummel: It's called being theatrical. We're showing off who you are. It's the same thing you do when you go to school with your football uniforms on. You're expressing yourself, and we have every right to do the same.
Azimio Adams: Well, you know what? The next time you want to express yourself a little like a circus freak, don't be shocked when my fist feels like expressing itself against your chin! Okay? Knock that crazy fool crepe-paper nonsense offa you.
Dave Karofsky: Let's go.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, you don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!
Azimio Adams: Watch your mouth, Hummel!
Dave Karofsky: And you know what, fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins.



Will Schuester: Little monsters, take a bow. All right! Ladies, Kurt, I am really, really impressed. Sientete. You know, you know what the best part is? Each one of those costumes shows off a different aspect of your personalities.
Noah Puckerman: Wait. Where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.
Mercedes Jones: Rachel kinda got some intense news yesterday.
Quinn Fabray: We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and...
Will Schuester: You guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what, what'd you find out?
Mercedes Jones: Okay, y'all ready? Miss Corcoran, their coach? She's Rachel's mom.
Will Schuester: Are you serious?
Artie Abrams: Way to bury the lead, Mercedes.
Noah Puckerman: We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel Berry: Never! I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look that expresses the longing for a childhood I was deprived of.
Brittany S. Pierce: You look terrible. I look awesome.
Mercedes Jones: I think it's the Kermit – the - Frog look.
Kurt Hummel: And we have a jumper.
Rachel Berry: Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on.
Will Schuester: Guys, why don't we worry about this later, and maybe try to focus on the song?
Rachel Berry: Couldn't agree more. Hit it!



Kurt Hummel: # Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! #
# Gaga, ooh-la-la! #
# Want your bad romance #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I want your ugly, I want your disease #
# I want your everything as long as it's free #
# I want your love #
# Love, love, love, I want your love #
Mercedes Jones: # I want your psycho, your vertical stick #
# Want you in my rear window, baby, it's sick #
# I want your love #
New Directions: # Love, love, love, I want your love, love, love #
# I want your love #
Quinn Fabray: # You know that I want you #
# And you know that I need you #
Kurt Hummel: # Because I'm a freak, baby! #
Quinn Fabray: # I want it bad, bad romance #
New Directions: # I want your loving and I want your revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh #
# I want your loving, all your love is revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa, oa-oa #
# Caught in a bad romance #
# Walk, walk, fashion, baby, work it #
# Move that thing, crazy walk, walk #
# Fashion, baby, work it #
# Move that thing, crazy walk, walk #
# Fashion, baby, work it, move that thing #
# Crazy walk, walk, passion, baby, work it #
# I'm a freak, baby #
Santana Lopez: # I want your love and I want your revenge #
# I want your love, I don't want to be bad #
New Directions: # Whoa-oa-oa-oa #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # I want your loving and I want your revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa #
# I want your loving, all your love is revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Whoa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa #
Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #
New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #
# Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! #
# Roma-Roma-ma-ah! #
# Gaga, ooh-la-la! #
# Want your bad romance. #
Will Schuester: All right!



Dave Karofsky: What up, Finn?
Azimio Adams: What's that on your face? You got a bad pimple or something?
Dave Karofsky: A Finn-ple? Dude, are you wearing makeup?
Azimio Adams: I knew it was contagious. You moved in with that little Kurt kid, and now you got a bad case of the gay.
Finn Hudson: It's just something for Glee Club, all right?
Dave Karofsky: Oh, well, then it's definitely not gay, huh?
Finn Hudson: Get out of my way!
Azimio Adams: Man, how many times do we got go through this?! You being a jock and being in this Glee Club does not make you versatile. It makes you bisexual.
Dave Karofsky: And if we have to kick your ass to make you understand that, then our schedules are wide open.
Azimio Adams: Get out of my bathroom. You girls, y'all belong across the hallway. Glee boy!



Shelby Corcoran: Yeah, that's better, guys. Take five. And, ladies, I don't want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem.
Rachel Berry: Mom?
Shelby Corcoran: Honey, you gotta stop sneaking into these rehearsals.
Rachel Berry: It's kind of important.
Shelby Corcoran: Oh, dear God.
Rachel Berry: My dads can't sew. I really need a mom right now. Do you think you can help?



Rachel Berry: Sorry I'm late.
Mercedes Jones: Whoa, looking good, Rachel!
Rachel Berry: Thanks. My mom made it.
Will Schuester: Well, we're all here, so without further ado, I'd like to introduce The Boys!
Artie Abrams: Lima, Ohio, get ready to rock!
Finn Hudson: # Well, the night is young and you want some fun #
# Do you think you're gonna find it? #
New Directions: # Think you're gonna find it? #
Noah Puckerman: # You got to treat yourself like number one #
# Do you need to be reminded? #
New Directions: # Need to be reminded? #
Artie Abrams: # It doesn't matter what you do or say #
# Just forget the things that you've been told #
# We can't do it any other way #
# Everybody's got to rock and roll #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, ooh ! #
# Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
# Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # If you don't feel good #
# There's a way you could #
# Don't sit there broken-hearted #
New Directions: # Sit there broken-hearted! #
Finn Hudson: # Call all your friends in the neighborhood #
# And get the party started #
New Directions: # Get the party started #
# Don't let 'em tell you that there's too much noise #
# They're too old to really understand #
# You'll still get rowdy #
# With the girls and boys #
# 'Cause it's time for you to take a stand #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Yeah! Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Noah Puckerman: # You got to have a party #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # Turn it up louder #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # Oh, yeah-yeah! #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Finn Hudson: # Hear it getting louder #
New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
Will Schuester: All right, guys, very impressive. Very, very... loud. But what, uh, what does that performance express? And what do those costumes illustrate?
Mike Chang: We did our research, Mr. Schue.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, Finn's demon look is because Gene Simmons liked comic books as a kid, and they called Paul Stanley the "Star Child" because he was a romantic or something. But that doesn't really explain my whore lips.
Artie Abrams: And my Ace Frehley is supposed to be a spaceman from another planet. Mike's iconic catman is because Peter Criss claimed to have nine lives.
Matt Rutherford: Yeah, and I'm dressed as the guy who replaced Artie when he quits.
Will Schuester: Well, congratulations, guys. Job well done. Let's give it up for the boys!



Kurt Hummel: I thought the boy's KISS number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing.
Dave Karofsky: We warned you.
Azimio Adams: Now Gaga's got to go.



Kurt Hummel: Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit?
Finn Hudson: Are you serious? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends.
Kurt Hummel: Let them think what they want. They're Neanderthals. In three years, they'll be cleaning my septic tank.
Finn Hudson: Don't you get it? It's not just them. We live in Ohio - not New York or San Francisco or some other city where people eat vegetables that aren't fried. I don't understand why you always need to make such a big spectacle of yourself. Why can't you just work harder at blending in?
Kurt Hummel: I'm sure that'd be easier for you.
Finn Hudson: You know, it would.
Kurt Hummel: You are such a boy. You're going to have to use a moist towelette if you want to get that makeup off.
Finn Hudson: Don't touch me!
Kurt Hummel: What is your problem, Finn? It's just a moist towelette!
Finn Hudson: I'm gonna finish in the laundry room.
Kurt Hummel: Grow up, Finn!



Shelby Corcoran: I know why you called, and don't worry about it. My reconnection with Rachel is not some kind of plot to mess with you guys before regionals.
Will Schuester: I'm not worried about regionals. It's Rachel. She's special. She's got all of the best of you. She's strong-willed, dramatic, wildly talented.
Shelby Corcoran: Go on.
Will Schuester: But she's not hard like you. She's fragile. Over-emotional. And she's clearly convinced herself that you are as committed to this reunion as she is. And I don't think you are. You're not prepared to have a teenage daughter. Are you?
Shelby Corcoran: I can't have any more kids. There were issues a few years back. Then some surgery, and that's that. I really wanted a daughter. That's why it was so important to me to make that bond with her. But you're right. I wanted my baby back. Rachel's an adult now. She doesn't need me.
Will Schuester: Shelby, I can't tell you what to do... But if you really love her, you have to tell her what you just told me.



Kurt Hummel: I had to skip school to finish it, but I think you're really going to like it. Consider it a peace offering after all the yelling that we've been doing. I used Marlene Dietrich and Gary Cooper in Morocco as my inspiration. It's a perfect blend of the masculine and the feminine, the muted and the theatrical.
Finn Hudson: Are you freaking insane? I can't live here. I'm a dude. What the hell is that supposed to be?
Kurt Hummel: It's a privacy partition. It's all I could find on such short notice. Why are you getting angry about everything? I worked hard on this.
Finn Hudson: That's not a privacy partition! Why is it so hard for you to understand? I don't want to get dressed in front of you! Do you know that I put my underwear on in the shower before I come out when you're around? I just... I don't want to have to worry about that kind of stuff in my own room, man.
Kurt Hummel: And what stuff are you referring to?
Finn Hudson: You know. You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Why can't you just accept that I'm not like you?
Kurt Hummel: I have accepted that.
Finn Hudson: No, you haven't. You think I don't see the way you stare at me? How flirty you get. You think I don't know why you got so excited that we were going to be moving in together?
Kurt Hummel: It's just a room, Finn! We can redecorate it if you want to!
Finn Hudson: Okay, good. Well, then the first thing that needs to go is that faggy lamp. And then we need to get rid of this faggy couch cover...
Burt Hummel: Hey! What did you just call him?
Finn Hudson: Oh, no, no, I didn't call him anything. I was talking to the blanket.
Burt Hummel: If you use that word, you're talking about him.
Kurt Hummel: Relax, Dad. I didn't take it that way.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. You use the "N" word?
Finn Hudson: Of course not.
Burt Hummel: How about "retard"? You call that nice girl in Cheerios! With Kurt, you call her a retard?
Finn Hudson: Becky-- no. She's my friend. She's got Down syndrome. I'd never call her that. That's cruel.
Burt Hummel: But you think it's okay to come into my house and say "faggy"?
Finn Hudson: That's not what I meant...
Burt Hummel: I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice, we'd tell him to stop being such a fag. Shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club and being raised by your mom meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kind of, you know, came into the world knowing what has taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry, Finn, but you can't... you can't stay here.
Kurt Hummel: Dad.
Burt Hummel: I love your mom. And maybe this is going to cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. This is our home, Kurt. He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want, but not under my roof. The place looks great.



Kurt Hummel: You look like you should be in orbit.
Tina Cohen-Chang: My balls keep fallinoff.
Kurt Hummel: I've been there.
Finn Hudson: I want to talk about this.
Kurt Hummel: There's not much to say. I feel sorry for you. I thought you were different.
Finn Hudson: I am different.
Will Schuester: All right, let's get things started.
Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue. There's something I want to say to Quinn. And I want everybody to hear it.
Will Schuester: All right.
Noah Puckerman: At first I didn't really get this theatrical assignment, being larger than life and putting it all out there, 'cause I'm kind of like that all the time. That's how my dad was, too. He was too busy being all crazy and rock and roll to be there for his kid. And you know what? I didn't care that my dad was a badass. I just wanted him to be there. And he never was. And then I learned all this KISS stuff and while Jackie Daniels is a great name for like a powerboat or something, it's not right for a baby girl. So if my KISS mates will help me out, I got a better idea. Grab a stool, guys.
# Beth, I hear you calling #
# But I can't come home right now #
# Me and the boys are playing #
# And we just can't find the sound #
New Directions: # Just a few more hours #
# And I'll be right home to you #
# I think I hear them calling #
# Oh, Beth, what can I do? #
# Beth, what can I do? #
Finn Hudson: # You say you feel so empty #
# That our house just ain't our home #
# I'm always somewhere else #
# And you're always there alone #
New Directions: # Just a few more hours #
# And I'll be right home to you #
# I think I hear them calling #
# Oh, Beth, what can I do? #
# Beth, what can I do? #
Noah Puckerman: # Beth, I know you're lonely #
# And I hope you'll be all right #
# 'Cause me and the boys will be playing all night #
# All night. #
Noah Puckerman: I know you're giving her up, but before you do, I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her.



Shelby Corcoran: So, how'd your dads come up with the name "Rachel"?
Rachel Berry: They were, um, big Friends fans. I know why you're here... to say good-bye.
Shelby Corcoran: I really wanted this to work. Do you know what really turned me? That story that you told me about your dads, and how they'd bring you water when you were sad. We're never gonna have anything like that. It's too late for us. I just think that anything we share right now is gonna be confusing for you.
Rachel Berry: I just don't understand. You're my mom. I feel awful right now, and I should want to just fall into your arms and let you rock me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, but... I just don't feel it.
Shelby Corcoran: It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom.
Rachel Berry: So what? Do we just pretend we don't know each other now?
Shelby Corcoran: That seems silly. Let's just be grateful for one another... from afar. For a while. Don't think for a second I'm gonna go soft on you during regionals.
Rachel Berry: Bring it.
Shelby Corcoran: Can I have a hug good-bye?
Rachel Berry: Sure.
Shelby Corcoran: Can you do me one more favor? Sometime when you're thirsty... Can you get yourself some water from this cup? Gold stars are kinda my thing.
Rachel Berry: Of course. Shelby... before you go, will... will you sing with me? Just one time. It's sort of a fantasy of mine, and it would really mean a lot to me.
Shelby Corcoran: I would be honored.
Rachel Berry: Brad! He's always just around. Um, take that. Here you go.
# I want to hold 'em like they do in Texas, please #
# Fold 'em, let 'em hit me, raise it #
# Baby, stay with me #
# Love the game, and intuition #
# Play the cards with spades to start #
# And after he's been hooked #
# I'll play the one that's sewn his heart #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh #
# I'll get him hot and show him what I got #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh #
# Oh-oh, oh, I'll get him hot #
# And show him what I got #
Shelby Corcoran: # Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
Rachel Berry: # She's got to love nobody #
Shelby Corcoran: # Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
Rachel & Shelby: # She's got to love nobody #
# Poker face, p-p-poker face #
# P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face #
Shelby Corcoran: # I want to roll with him #
# A hard pair we will be #
# A little gambling is fun #
# When you're with me #
# Russian roulette is not the same without a gun #
# And, baby, when it's love #
# If it ain't rough, it isn't fun #
Rachel & Shelby: # Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-uh-oh-oh, oh #
# I'll get him hot #
Shelby Corcoran: # Show him what I got #
# Can't read my #
Rachel Berry: # Can't read my #
Rachel & Shelby: # No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody #
# Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody #
Shelby Corcoran: # I won't tell you that I love you #
# Kiss or hug you #
# 'Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin #
# I'm not lying #
# I'm just stunnin' with love-glue-gunnin' #
Rachel Berry: # Just like a chick in the casino #
# Take your bank before I pay you out #
Shelby Corcoran: # I promise this, I promise this #
# Check this hand #
# 'Cause I am marvelous #
# I'm marvelous #
Rachel Berry: # I'm marvelous #
Rachel & Shelby: # I'm marvelous #
# So marvelous #
# She's got to love nobody #
# Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody. #
Shelby Corcoran: You are really, really good.



Artie Abrams: It's the end of the week. We were kinda hoping to learn what the lesson of the assignment was.
Will Schuester: Well, um... You guys have had some great numbers this week, but I'm not totally sure that I know either.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I do. I refuse to dress like somebody I'm not to be somebody I'm not. And I learned it's good to be a little theatrical.



Tina Cohen-Chang: So here's what's going to happen. My dad - he's the king of the vampires. And Asian vampires are the most vicious of all the vampires. You're going to let me wear my lady demon clothes, or my dad will fly into your bedroom and bite your face off. He's really pissed. Is that what you want?
Principal Figgins: No, I don't want that. I'm afraid.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Now I have to go back to my coffin because the light is burning my eyes!



Will Schuester: There she is.
Artie Abrams: Wait. Where's Kurt? And where's Finn?



Kurt Hummel: Fine. You want to hit me? You want to beat me up? Go ahead. But I swear to you. I will never change. I'm proud to be different. I t's the best thing about me. So go ahead, hit me.
Azimio Adams: I believe I will. Sir, would you like to go first?
Finn Hudson: You're not hitting anyone.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God.
Azimio Adams: Is he wearing a red rubber dress or am I trippin'?
Finn Hudson: I want to thank you, Kurt. I realize I still have a lot to learn, but the reason I'm here right now... In a shower curtain, is... Because of you. And I'm not going to let anyone lay a hand on you.
Dave Karofsky: Oh, really, dude? 'Cause I'm pretty sure we can take both of you.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah? But can you take all of us?
Azimio Adams: Okay. Okay, I get it. I took biology. You know what, Karofsky? We done disturbed the freak hive. The worker freaks is trying to protect the queen freak.
Dave Karofsky: Next time... We'll bring some friends, too.
Rachel Berry: I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks.
Mercedes Jones: Take a look at us. We are freaks.
Finn Hudson: But we're all freaks together. And we shouldn't have to hide it.
Will Schuester: Nice job, Finn. I think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I had planned it. But Mercedes is right, you do all look incredibly insane.
New Directions: Thank you. Thank you.
Will Schuester: You're so welcome. Anyways, let's get back to work before you're all forced to join the circus. Next stop? Regionals.
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121. Funk

放送日:2010年6月1日


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee: Regionals is coming up and Jesse's left the glee club, and though it seems like which is confusing.
Jesse St. James: I think I kind of like her. I don't want her to get hurt.
Ian Brennan: Quinn's preggo and feels like she's totally alone. And Sue won't leave Will alone as the poor guy's trying to get over divorcing his terrible wife, Terri. I mean, she's not terrible. She's just kind of... you know, terrible.
Terri Schuester: Sorry.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Mercedes Jones: Is it just me, or does it feel like we have a real shot at Regionals next month?
Artie Abrams: The Ohio Show Choir chat rooms have all been buzzing about how Vocal Adrenaline has lost a step.
Kurt Hummel: I agree— the judges know all of their tricks and now that we have Jesse, they've lost their best performer.
Rachel Berry: You guys have to come to the auditorium— it's an emergency!



Rachel Berry: Jesse? What are you doing up there with them?
Jesse St. James: I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas.
Finn Hudson: Why are you here in our auditorium?
Jesse St. James: The blogs and the chat rooms say that we're finished, and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you a something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Ooh, let's go. #
# Steve walks warily down the street #
# With the brim pulled way down low #
# Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet #
# Machine gun's ready to go #
# Are you ready? #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Hey #
Jesse St. James: # Are you ready for this? #
# Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? #
# Out of the doorway the bullets rip #
# To the sound of the beat #
# Yeah #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust #
# How do you think I'm gonna get along #
# Without you when you're gone? #
# You took me for everything that I had #
# And kicked me out on my own #
# Are you happy? #
# Are you satisfied? #
# How long can you stand the heat? #
# Out of the doorway the bullets rip #
# To the sound of the beat, look out #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust. #
Giselle: Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys. It's quaint.



Artie Abrams: It's a Carmel High tradition. They psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show. They call it a funkification. Meaning they show us what they've got, and we spiral into a deep black funk.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams. You know, try and get inside their head before a big game, pull little pranks to intimidate them.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, well, the difference was our football team sucked. Those guys are golden.
Kurt Hummel: Come on, keep your heads up, guys. It's going to take more than that to get us into a funk.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I feel so violated. It's like someone broke into our home.
Will Schuester: Look, it was just a lame little prank. And the fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got them spooked.
Mercedes Jones: Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know, which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?
Sue Sylvester: I gave 'em all keys. Helped them do a sound check over the weekend. Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit.
Will Schuester: Sue, what are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: I can't talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at Regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex. You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Will Schuester: Sue, get out of my room.
Sue Sylvester: Glee Clubbers, for you those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Acutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee Club will be finished. Now how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at Regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed.
Will Schuester: Sue, can I see your trophy?
Sue Sylvester: Sure, Will. Hope and dream.
Will Schuester: You dropped your trophy, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent. Enjoy your last few days here. This room is mine.



Peter Gow: So you sign here, and here. And you sign here and here. Well... by the power vested in me by the bar association of the great State of Ohio, I know pronounce you no longer husband and wife. Mazel tov.
Terri Del Monico: You're still that 16-year-old boy to me. You always will be.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?
Rachel Berry: Giving my heart to Jesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.
Quinn Fabray: Thinking "trust me" was a sensible birth control option.
Will Schuester: We all have them. I just finalized my divorce. I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working. Letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back.
Santana Lopez: Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?
Will Schuester: Because if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals, none of us are going to regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition. Which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
Quinn Fabray: So you want us to TP their choir room?
Will Schuester: Whatever the better, cooler version of that is. Like, uh, maybe-maybe we should steal their school statue.
Kurt Hummel: Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.
Will Schuester: Okay, how about this one. All right, we get like...
Noah Puckerman: Everyone knows this is going to come down to me. Revenge, fear, the merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. First time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old. Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason, but we both know that defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.



Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I did it. And I'm proud. All I did was step up and be a man. They got what was coming to them.
Shelby Corcoran: A few of my students TP'd your choir room. You slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all 26 of my performers. Those were gifts for our win at Sectionals. That's 200 times 26 times four equals... I don't have a calculator.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, you bought all your kids Range Rovers?
Shelby Corcoran: We have a very active booster club.
Will Schuester: Look, nobody got hurt. It was a harmless prank.
Sue Sylvester: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
Principal Figgins: Enough. These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.
Shelby Corcoran: Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges... as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.
Will Schuester: That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.
Finn Hudson: We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.
Shelby Corcoran: Fine.
Principal Figgins: Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and magnanimous as you are beautiful.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.



Sandy Ryerson: Are you want to take a trip down that rabbit hole, William?
Will Schuester: I'm willing to try anything, Sandy. I'm just really depressed.
Sandy Ryerson: I don't sell to the clinically depressed. You'll throw yourself off a parking garage and I can't have that on my conscience. I used to coach that glee club. I know what you're up against. You think Carmel High didn't put the fear of God in me?
Will Schuester: I don't know how we can possibly beat them. Glee is hanging by a thread. William, the answer is right in front of your face, but you can't see it because you're in too big of a funk. Vocal Adrenaline has a weakness.



Will Schuester: Funk. Use it in a sentence. Come on. Rachel.
Rachel Berry: This cheese smells funky.
Noah Puckerman: That's because it's "from-unda" cheese.
Rachel Berry: Shut it, Puckerman!
Will Schuester: Okay, okay. I was thinking more along the lines of... Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.
Kurt Hummel: I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
Will Schuester: What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-Funk. We are going to get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine, a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. Its passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn Mckinley High into... Funky town!
Mercedes Jones: You guys can relax, I got this one covered.
Will Schuester: Cool.
Quinn Fabray: Hold on a second. I-I want a chance to get funky, too.
Mercedes Jones: Good one, Quinn. It even sounds funny when you say it.
Quinn Fabray: You said funk was about soul and anger. I have plenty of both. Look at me. Look at my life. I'm furious!
Mercedes Jones: Let's be honest. When white people try to be funky, you end up with KC and the Sunshine Band.
Artie Abrams: I love "Boogie Shoes."
Quinn Fabray: Mercedes' racism aside, I will have something prepared tomorrow.
Will Schuester: All right, Quinn goes first. Rachel, can I see you in my office?



Will Schuester: You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard.
Rachel Berry: I want him to be eaten by a lion.
Will Schuester: Jesse, cared about you.
Rachel Berry: No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; You destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Will Schuester: Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.



Sue Sylvester: William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.
Will Schuester: Yeah, no worries, Sue. I'll just find someplace else to... Oh, wow.
Sue Sylvester: What?
Will Schuester: It-it's nothing. It's just... It's just the way the light hit you just now, you looked stunning. No, you're radiant.
Sue Sylvester: Well, the week before Nationals every year, I have a placenta mask right after a rigorous session of microdermabrasion.
Will Schuester: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up because you have never looked better.
Sue Sylvester: Well, if you'll excuse me, I should... I got stuff to do, so...
Will Schuester: Yeah, um... Look, Sue, I gotta ask your advice about something. I know I make it seem like I-I know what I'm doing, but everyone knows you're the kingmaker around here. I mean, you're this school's arbiter of taste.
Sue Sylvester: Continue.
Will Schuester: We're doing this funk number for Regionals, and I wanted to pick your brain about it. I-I just wanted to know if it's too suggestive. And I only need two minutes of your time. Okay.
# You ain't got no kind of feeling insi-ide #
# Oh, whoa-oa-oa #
# And I got something #
# That will sure 'nuff set your stuff on fire #
# Oh, oh-oh #
# You refuse to put anything before your pride #
# Oh, oh-oh... #
# What I got will knock all your pride aside #
# Tell me something good #
# Tell me that you love me, yeah #
# Tell me something good #
# Tell me, tell me, tell me #
# That you like it, yeah #
# "Got no time" is what you're known to say-ay #
# Tell me something good #
# Oh, tell me, oh, tell me, yeah-eah! #
# Tell me that you love me, yeah #
# I like it, I like it, yeah-eah #
# Tell me something good! #
So... You feel anything there?
Sue Sylvester: No.
Will Schuester: Was I... too dirty?
Sue Sylvester: I didn't notice. I was bored. Okay.



Terri Del Monico: Right, left, and flip, okay?
Noah Puckerman: Can I go shirtless under this apron?
Terri Del Monico: Look, I only hired you two losers because I'm desperate to increase my quarterly sales and you'll work for less than immigrants. As I'm you know, Mr. Schuester and I are now officially divorced. I mean, I'm sure he talks about it all the time. Anyway, I'm on my own now. And I need to make manager by the end of the year so that I can maintain my lifestyle.
Howard Bamboo: Terri, that guy who gave me Bell's palsy is back again today.
Terri Del Monico: So... Help him. He's our best customer.
Howard Bamboo: You need to go help him.
Finn Hudson: But she just told you to do it.
Howard Bamboo: I have got seniority over you two losers, which means you have to do what I say.
Noah Puckerman: Well, then I need to kick your ass.
Sandy Ryerson: Bamboo... ! You two... Apron boys.
Noah Puckerman: You're not gonna fondle us, are you, Mr. Ryerson?
Sandy Ryerson: I've recently redone my bathroom as an homage to Miss Jayne Mansfield. Pink! It's all pink! This is amaranth pink. I need rose pink.
Finn Hudson: But this is all the pink that we have.
Sandy Ryerson: Wrong answer. Did they change the name of this place to Losers N' Things? Did everyone in the whole world die so they had to give these jobs to you two morons? And where's my Muzak?! How am I supposed to shop without my Kenny G? Let's go! Crank it!
Noah Puckerman: # In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey #
# Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie #
# With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables #
# Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose #
Finn Hudson: # Kill the headlights and put it in neutral #
# Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control #
# Baby's in Reno with the Vitamin D #
# Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love seat #
Noah Puckerman: # Someone keeps saying I'm insane #
# To complain about a shotgun wedding #
# And a stain on my shirt #
Finn Hudson: # Don't believe everything that you breathe #
# You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve #
# So shave your face with some mace in the dark #
Noah & Finn: # Savin' all your food stamps #
# Aand burnin' down the trailer park #
Howard Bamboo: # Yo. #
Finn Hudson: # Cut it. #
Sheets-N-Things: # Soy, un perdedor #
# I'm a loser, baby #
# So why don't you kill me? #
# So why don't you kill me? #
Terri Del Monico: I thought Jews were supposed to be smart. Go restack the space heaters.
Will Schuester: Mrs. Schuester, can you show me how to fold this sham again?
Finn Hudson: Mrs. Schuester?
Terri Del Monico: Oh. I'm sorry. Yes, sure. Of course. How old are you?
Finn Hudson: Sixteen.
Terri Del Monico: Oh.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, Something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings. Oh, it all makes sense now, Journal. True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past, I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.
Will Schuester: Sue, you got a sec?
Sue Sylvester: Yes, William. How can I help you?
Will Schuester: I, uh, I wanted to bring you these. I snuck a peek at your tracksuit this morning, and I got these to match.
Sue Sylvester: Those are cheap gas station flowers. I-I have no interest.
Will Schuester: Okay. But I also got you these. A tub of Extreme Challenge Lifestyle CarboGels. I had to drive to Dayton to get your favorite flavor. Appletini.
Sue Sylvester: Appletini.
Will Schuester: I don't get it either, Sue, but you can't deny that we have chemistry. My divorce opened my eyes to a world of possibilities. I thought I'd finally have the chance to have all the things I'd ever wanted. And then I realized, the only thing I want... is Sue. You have Nationals this Saturday, right?
Sue Sylvester: Why do you ask?
Will Schuester: Because I'd like to take you to dinner this week. How's Wednesday night? Breadstix? Good. Oh... You know what Wednesday is, right? Hump day.



Finn Hudson: I'm sorry, Mrs. Schuester, my heart's not in this. This whole Vocal Adrenaline thing's really getting me down, and we have to come up with this funk number for Glee, and I have like, less-than-zero ideas, and I...
Terri Del Monico: Glee?! God! This club is like toxic mold on my life. I'm sorry. What am I doing? This is exactly how I destroyed my marriage. I have this compulsive need to crush other people's dreams.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, that's what Mr. Schue said. I mean, I think you're awesome, though. I mean, look how hard you've been working to try and help me fold a sham. Well... and you'd be a total MILF if it weren't for the whole faking-the-mother thing.
Terri Del Monico: You're very sweet. You could be my second chance. I'm gonna change. I don't have to stay in this post-divorce funk forever, right?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, right, I guess.
Terri Del Monico: Well, then I am going to help you with your Glee assignment. Okay, you said you needed a funk song, right?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Terri Del Monico: Okay, so, we'll type "funk" into the iTunes, and we'll see what comes up.
Finn Hudson: I never thought of that.
Terri Del Monico: Oh, Howard, I'm promoting Finn to assistant assistant manager. You'll report to him from now on. Do you have a problem with that?
Finn Hudson: Wow, thanks.
Terri Del Monico: I believe in you, Finn.



Will Schuester: Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side. So, take it away.
Quinn Fabray: For some of us... just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer. When you're pregnant, you're responsible for two lives. And you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the man.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there.
Quinn Fabray: Hearing people call you fat. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say no.
Artie Abrams: This is offensive. Who are these girls?
Quinn Fabray: We're the "Unwed Mothership Connection." And that's what we're here to sing about.
# This is a man's world #
# This is a man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing #
# Nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # You see #
# Man made the cars #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ah #
Quinn Fabray: # To take us over the road #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ah #
Quinn Fabray: # Man made the train #
# To carry the heavy loads #
# Man made the boat for the water #
# Like Noah made the ark #
# This is a man's, man's, man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # He-he-he-hoo-hoo-hoo. #
# Without a woman or a girl #
# He-he-he-hoo-hoo-hoo. #
Quinn Fabray: # Man thinks about a little baby girls #
# And the baby boys #
# And after man make everything, everything he can #
# You know that man makes money #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # He makes money #
Quinn Fabray: # To buy from other man #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # To buy from other man #
Quinn Fabray: # This is a man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing #
# Not one little thing #
# Nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # He's lost #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # In bitterness #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # He's lost #
# Lost somewhere #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # In loneliness. #



Waitress Sandy: You're going to have to order something.
Sue Sylvester: My date will be here any minute.
Waitress Sandy: Your date's not coming. You got stood up.



Will Schuester: Right on time.
Sue Sylvester: How dare you?! You led me on. You told me you had feelings for me, then you ask me out, you don't show up, humiliating me. In public.
Will Schuester: Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that. You meddled around in my marriage, you terrorize the glee club, you continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma. I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention. I have no interest in dating you, Sue. You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
Sue Sylvester: I'm mean to everyone.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, fine. Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Sue Sylvester: This is uncalled for, William.
Will Schuester: Good night, Sue.



Will Schuester: Santana, are you all right? What... ? Kurt, what is going on around here?
Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed. We haven't had practice in days. I'm fine because I have Glee, but these girls have sort of lost it. No Nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships. And the rest are just depressed and confused.
Brittany S. Pierce: Please, please, love me, please.
Kurt Hummel: It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester— she doesn't need another trophy— but some of these girls, they really do.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk. With a little help from our special guest Mercedes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Whoo.
Artie Abrams: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Fasten your seat belts, people. It's going to be a funky ride.
# Yeah #
# Can you feel it, baby? #
Finn Hudson: # Come on, swing it #
# Come-come on, swing it #
# Come on, swing it #
# Come-come on, swing it #
Noah Puckerman: # Yo, it's about that time #
# To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme #
# I'm gonna get mine, so get yours #
# I want to see sweat comin' out your pores #
Finn Hudson: # On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this #
# Strictly hip-hop, boy, I ain't singing this #
# Bringing this to the entire nation #
# Black, white, red, brown, feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Noah & Finn: # Come on, feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #
Noah Puckerman: # The vibrations good like Sunkist #
# Many wanna know who done this #
# Pucky Puck and I'm here to move you #
# Rhymes will groove you and I'm here to prove to you #
# That we can party on the positive side #
# And pump positive vibes, so come along for the ride #
# Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation #
# So feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Noah & Finn: # Come on, feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #
Noah Puckerman: # Finnie D, break it down. #
Man: # Down, down, down, down #
Finn Hudson: # Finnie D's on the back up #
# Drug free, so put the crack up #
# No need for speed, I'm the anti D-R-U-G-G-I-E #
# My body is healthy, my rhymes make me wealthy #
# And the Funky Bunch helps me #
# To bring you a show with no intoxication #
# Come on, and feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Finn Hudson: # Yeah #
# Can you feel it, baby? #
# I can, too #
Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #
# It's such a good vibration. #
Will Schuester: All right. Great job, guys, but that's not funk. I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but that is a rap song.
Noah Puckerman: A kick-butt old school rap song.
Artie Abrams: Does it really matter, Mr. Schue? We're so clinically depressed, we're doing the wrong songs. We're in a deeper funk than ever.



Quinn Fabray: Mercedes, I'm so sorry.
Mercedes Jones: You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how it feels sometimes.
Quinn Fabray: For nine months. You've had to deal with this your whole life. People making assumptions, calling you names. I seriously can't understand why don't feel like yelling at people all the time.
Mercedes Jones: What's the point in getting angry?
Quinn Fabray: Because it's infuriating. I hate all the looks at school. Don't even get me started on Puck's mom.
Mercedes Jones: You're not angry. You're hurt. You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage. Get to the pain beneath it. So it's decided. Saturday you move out of Puck's house and you move in with me. I already talked to my mom about it. My brother went off to college and we have an extra room.
Quinn Fabray: Mercedes...
Mercedes Jones: It's cool. Us sisters got to stick together, right?



Imelda: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yes.
Imelda: Come in.
Will Schuester: Thank you. Um, is she doing okay?
Imelda: Never seen her like this. She won't leave her room, and refuses her protein shakes. Bad. Very bad.
Will Schuester: Well, please, tell her I'd love to speak with her.
Imelda: Let me ask.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Imelda: Careful. That Regionals '85. Very precious to Ms. Sue.
Will Schuester: Sorry.
Imelda: Mija, Mr. Schuester is here.
Sue Sylvester: Okay.
Imelda: Okay. She agreed to see you.
Will Schuester: Oh, gracias por tu ayuda.
Imelda: De Nada.
Sue Sylvester: So have you come to gloat?
Will Schuester: I, uh... I hear you're pulling out of Nationals, Sue. You know, for some of your girls that's going to have some really big consequences.
Sue Sylvester: I'm tired of those kids. I devoted my life to them. And what have I got to show for it?
Will Schuester: Five consecutive National championships.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, big deal. I'm alone, William. I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you. And, you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something. I pictured myself living a normal life. Having someone to come home to every night. And though I completely loathe you, you'd make a great trophy husband. And as you can see by my decor, I love me some trophies.
Will Schuester: Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger. I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk. But... just made things worse.
Sue Sylvester: So is that an apology?
Will Schuester: Yes, it is. And you're not alone, Sue. Your kids need you, so you do have love in your life.
Sue Sylvester: My kids don't love me; They fear me.
Will Schuester: But you love them, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Hand me my bullhorn, will you? Imelda! Make me a shake! To go!
Imelda: Hooray.
Sue Sylvester: Make it two.



Rachel Berry: Hello.
Jesse St. James: Meet me out in the parking lot.



Giselle: I hear you're a vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now. Do it, Jesse. Are you with us or not?
Rachel Berry: Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.
Jesse St. James: I loved you.



Rachel Berry: Now... nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, this is bull! Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.
Finn Hudson: Right on. It's time for less talking and more punching.
Will Schuester: Hey, what's going on?
Finn Hudson: We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.
Will Schuester: Guys, violence is never the answer.
Noah Puckerman: It is when the question is "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?!"
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, Rachel's one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.
Will Schuester: Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
Finn Hudson: We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.
Will Schuester: We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.
Santana Lopez: You haven't deleted his number yet?
Will Schuester: Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp.



Brett Paxton: Let's hear it from the internationally ranked Cheerios coach Sue Sylvester. Coach, six consecutive National titles. You're the Michael Jordan of cheerleading.
Sue Sylvester: Thanks, Brett, I am.
Brett Paxton: Sue, let us know about the decision you made to have Kurt Hummel here do a 14-and-a-half minute Celine Dion medley, entirely in French.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll tell you what, Brett, I'm all about finding a freakish, depressed kid and showing him what winning is all about.
Kurt Hummel: Vive Le difference! Whoo!
Brett Paxton: Well... Well, Sue, congratulations, but I have to ask you, where are you going to put that mammoth skyscraping trophy?
Sue Sylvester: I know just the place.



Sue Sylvester: Get out.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Wow. You did it, Sue...
Sue Sylvester: I'll do the talking, thank you very much. Let me break it down for you, William. You're standing at a crossroads. You have two choices: Number one: This trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
Will Schuester: And what's choice number two?
Sue Sylvester: You can kiss me... right here on the lips... with tongue.
Will Schuester: This is payback, isn't it? No one will know? Fine.
Sue Sylvester: You know what? I'm not gonna do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It's making me sick.


# Cut it #
# Soy, UN perdedor #
# I'm a loser, baby #
# So why don't you kill me? #
# Double-barrel buckshot #
# Soy, UN perdedor #
# I'm a loser, baby #
# So why don't you kill me? #
# Drive-by body pierce. #


Rachel Berry: Thanks for coming. After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute, which we were willing to put to rest, we decided the only way to truly funkify you is to show you the one thing we know you can't do. So enjoy.
Kurt Hummel: # Roof off #
# We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker #
# Tear the roof off the sucker, tear the roof off #
# We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker #
# Tear the roof off the sucker #
New Directions: # You've got a real type of thing #
# Going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going round #
# You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going round #
# Ow, we want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# Ow, we need the funk #
# We gotta have that funk #
# Ow, we want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# Ow, we need the funk #
# We gotta have that funk #
# Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# Give up the funk #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# Give up the funk #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
Mercedes Jones: # We turn this mother out! #
New Directions: # Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# You've got a real type of thing going down #
# Gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going down #
# All the rhythm goin' down #
# You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah! #
New Directions: # We want the funk #
# Yeah #
# Give up the funk #
# We need the funk, gotta have that funk! #
Mercedes Jones: # Funky! #
New Directions: # We want the funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
New Directions: # Give up the funk #
# We need the funk, gotta have some funk #
# We want the funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Funky, funky #
New Directions: # Give up the funk #
# We need the funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey, get down #
New Directions: # Gotta have that funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey, yeah! #
New Directions: # We want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# We need the funk #
# Gotta have that funk #
Noah Puckerman: See you punks at Regionals.
Jesse St. James: They did a funk number. We've never been able to pull off a funk number.
Giselle: Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.
Jesse St. James: I'm so depressed.


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee: Regionals is coming up and Jesse's left the glee club, and though it seems like which is confusing.
Jesse St. James: I think I kind of like her. I don't want her to get hurt.
Ian Brennan: Quinn's preggo and feels like she's totally alone. And Sue won't leave Will alone as the poor guy's trying to get over divorcing his terrible wife, Terri. I mean, she's not terrible. She's just kind of... you know, terrible.
Terri Schuester: Sorry.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Mercedes Jones: Is it just me, or does it feel like we have a real shot at Regionals next month?
Artie Abrams: The Ohio Show Choir chat rooms have all been buzzing about how Vocal Adrenaline has lost a step.
Kurt Hummel: I agree— the judges know all of their tricks and now that we have Jesse, they've lost their best performer.
Rachel Berry: You guys have to come to the auditorium— it's an emergency!



Rachel Berry: Jesse? What are you doing up there with them?
Jesse St. James: I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas.
Finn Hudson: Why are you here in our auditorium?
Jesse St. James: The blogs and the chat rooms say that we're finished, and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you a something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Ooh, let's go. #
# Steve walks warily down the street #
# With the brim pulled way down low #
# Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet #
# Machine gun's ready to go #
# Are you ready? #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Hey #
Jesse St. James: # Are you ready for this? #
# Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? #
# Out of the doorway the bullets rip #
# To the sound of the beat #
# Yeah #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust #
# How do you think I'm gonna get along #
# Without you when you're gone? #
# You took me for everything that I had #
# And kicked me out on my own #
# Are you happy? #
# Are you satisfied? #
# How long can you stand the heat? #
# Out of the doorway the bullets rip #
# To the sound of the beat, look out #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #
Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust. #
Giselle: Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys. It's quaint.



Artie Abrams: It's a Carmel High tradition. They psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show. They call it a funkification. Meaning they show us what they've got, and we spiral into a deep black funk.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams. You know, try and get inside their head before a big game, pull little pranks to intimidate them.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, well, the difference was our football team sucked. Those guys are golden.
Kurt Hummel: Come on, keep your heads up, guys. It's going to take more than that to get us into a funk.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I feel so violated. It's like someone broke into our home.
Will Schuester: Look, it was just a lame little prank. And the fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got them spooked.
Mercedes Jones: Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know, which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?
Sue Sylvester: I gave 'em all keys. Helped them do a sound check over the weekend. Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit.
Will Schuester: Sue, what are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: I can't talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at Regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex. You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Will Schuester: Sue, get out of my room.
Sue Sylvester: Glee Clubbers, for you those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Acutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee Club will be finished. Now how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at Regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed.
Will Schuester: Sue, can I see your trophy?
Sue Sylvester: Sure, Will. Hope and dream.
Will Schuester: You dropped your trophy, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent. Enjoy your last few days here. This room is mine.



Peter Gow: So you sign here, and here. And you sign here and here. Well... by the power vested in me by the bar association of the great State of Ohio, I know pronounce you no longer husband and wife. Mazel tov.
Terri Del Monico: You're still that 16-year-old boy to me. You always will be.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?
Rachel Berry: Giving my heart to Jesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.
Quinn Fabray: Thinking "trust me" was a sensible birth control option.
Will Schuester: We all have them. I just finalized my divorce. I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working. Letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back.
Santana Lopez: Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?
Will Schuester: Because if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals, none of us are going to regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition. Which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
Quinn Fabray: So you want us to TP their choir room?
Will Schuester: Whatever the better, cooler version of that is. Like, uh, maybe-maybe we should steal their school statue.
Kurt Hummel: Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.
Will Schuester: Okay, how about this one. All right, we get like...
Noah Puckerman: Everyone knows this is going to come down to me. Revenge, fear, the merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. First time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old. Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason, but we both know that defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.



Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I did it. And I'm proud. All I did was step up and be a man. They got what was coming to them.
Shelby Corcoran: A few of my students TP'd your choir room. You slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all 26 of my performers. Those were gifts for our win at Sectionals. That's 200 times 26 times four equals... I don't have a calculator.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, you bought all your kids Range Rovers?
Shelby Corcoran: We have a very active booster club.
Will Schuester: Look, nobody got hurt. It was a harmless prank.
Sue Sylvester: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
Principal Figgins: Enough. These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.
Shelby Corcoran: Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges... as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.
Will Schuester: That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.
Finn Hudson: We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.
Shelby Corcoran: Fine.
Principal Figgins: Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and magnanimous as you are beautiful.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.



Sandy Ryerson: Are you want to take a trip down that rabbit hole, William?
Will Schuester: I'm willing to try anything, Sandy. I'm just really depressed.
Sandy Ryerson: I don't sell to the clinically depressed. You'll throw yourself off a parking garage and I can't have that on my conscience. I used to coach that glee club. I know what you're up against. You think Carmel High didn't put the fear of God in me?
Will Schuester: I don't know how we can possibly beat them. Glee is hanging by a thread. William, the answer is right in front of your face, but you can't see it because you're in too big of a funk. Vocal Adrenaline has a weakness.



Will Schuester: Funk. Use it in a sentence. Come on. Rachel.
Rachel Berry: This cheese smells funky.
Noah Puckerman: That's because it's "from-unda" cheese.
Rachel Berry: Shut it, Puckerman!
Will Schuester: Okay, okay. I was thinking more along the lines of... Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.
Kurt Hummel: I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
Will Schuester: What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-Funk. We are going to get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine, a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. Its passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn Mckinley High into... Funky town!
Mercedes Jones: You guys can relax, I got this one covered.
Will Schuester: Cool.
Quinn Fabray: Hold on a second. I-I want a chance to get funky, too.
Mercedes Jones: Good one, Quinn. It even sounds funny when you say it.
Quinn Fabray: You said funk was about soul and anger. I have plenty of both. Look at me. Look at my life. I'm furious!
Mercedes Jones: Let's be honest. When white people try to be funky, you end up with KC and the Sunshine Band.
Artie Abrams: I love "Boogie Shoes."
Quinn Fabray: Mercedes' racism aside, I will have something prepared tomorrow.
Will Schuester: All right, Quinn goes first. Rachel, can I see you in my office?



Will Schuester: You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard.
Rachel Berry: I want him to be eaten by a lion.
Will Schuester: Jesse, cared about you.
Rachel Berry: No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; You destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Will Schuester: Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.



Sue Sylvester: William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.
Will Schuester: Yeah, no worries, Sue. I'll just find someplace else to... Oh, wow.
Sue Sylvester: What?
Will Schuester: It-it's nothing. It's just... It's just the way the light hit you just now, you looked stunning. No, you're radiant.
Sue Sylvester: Well, the week before Nationals every year, I have a placenta mask right after a rigorous session of microdermabrasion.
Will Schuester: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up because you have never looked better.
Sue Sylvester: Well, if you'll excuse me, I should... I got stuff to do, so...
Will Schuester: Yeah, um... Look, Sue, I gotta ask your advice about something. I know I make it seem like I-I know what I'm doing, but everyone knows you're the kingmaker around here. I mean, you're this school's arbiter of taste.
Sue Sylvester: Continue.
Will Schuester: We're doing this funk number for Regionals, and I wanted to pick your brain about it. I-I just wanted to know if it's too suggestive. And I only need two minutes of your time. Okay.
# You ain't got no kind of feeling insi-ide #
# Oh, whoa-oa-oa #
# And I got something #
# That will sure 'nuff set your stuff on fire #
# Oh, oh-oh #
# You refuse to put anything before your pride #
# Oh, oh-oh... #
# What I got will knock all your pride aside #
# Tell me something good #
# Tell me that you love me, yeah #
# Tell me something good #
# Tell me, tell me, tell me #
# That you like it, yeah #
# "Got no time" is what you're known to say-ay #
# Tell me something good #
# Oh, tell me, oh, tell me, yeah-eah! #
# Tell me that you love me, yeah #
# I like it, I like it, yeah-eah #
# Tell me something good! #
So... You feel anything there?
Sue Sylvester: No.
Will Schuester: Was I... too dirty?
Sue Sylvester: I didn't notice. I was bored. Okay.



Terri Del Monico: Right, left, and flip, okay?
Noah Puckerman: Can I go shirtless under this apron?
Terri Del Monico: Look, I only hired you two losers because I'm desperate to increase my quarterly sales and you'll work for less than immigrants. As I'm you know, Mr. Schuester and I are now officially divorced. I mean, I'm sure he talks about it all the time. Anyway, I'm on my own now. And I need to make manager by the end of the year so that I can maintain my lifestyle.
Howard Bamboo: Terri, that guy who gave me Bell's palsy is back again today.
Terri Del Monico: So... Help him. He's our best customer.
Howard Bamboo: You need to go help him.
Finn Hudson: But she just told you to do it.
Howard Bamboo: I have got seniority over you two losers, which means you have to do what I say.
Noah Puckerman: Well, then I need to kick your ass.
Sandy Ryerson: Bamboo... ! You two... Apron boys.
Noah Puckerman: You're not gonna fondle us, are you, Mr. Ryerson?
Sandy Ryerson: I've recently redone my bathroom as an homage to Miss Jayne Mansfield. Pink! It's all pink! This is amaranth pink. I need rose pink.
Finn Hudson: But this is all the pink that we have.
Sandy Ryerson: Wrong answer. Did they change the name of this place to Losers N' Things? Did everyone in the whole world die so they had to give these jobs to you two morons? And where's my Muzak?! How am I supposed to shop without my Kenny G? Let's go! Crank it!
Noah Puckerman: # In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey #
# Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie #
# With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables #
# Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose #
Finn Hudson: # Kill the headlights and put it in neutral #
# Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control #
# Baby's in Reno with the Vitamin D #
# Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love seat #
Noah Puckerman: # Someone keeps saying I'm insane #
# To complain about a shotgun wedding #
# And a stain on my shirt #
Finn Hudson: # Don't believe everything that you breathe #
# You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve #
# So shave your face with some mace in the dark #
Noah & Finn: # Savin' all your food stamps #
# Aand burnin' down the trailer park #
Howard Bamboo: # Yo. #
Finn Hudson: # Cut it. #
Sheets-N-Things: # Soy, un perdedor #
# I'm a loser, baby #
# So why don't you kill me? #
# So why don't you kill me? #
Terri Del Monico: I thought Jews were supposed to be smart. Go restack the space heaters.
Will Schuester: Mrs. Schuester, can you show me how to fold this sham again?
Finn Hudson: Mrs. Schuester?
Terri Del Monico: Oh. I'm sorry. Yes, sure. Of course. How old are you?
Finn Hudson: Sixteen.
Terri Del Monico: Oh.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, Something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings. Oh, it all makes sense now, Journal. True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past, I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.
Will Schuester: Sue, you got a sec?
Sue Sylvester: Yes, William. How can I help you?
Will Schuester: I, uh, I wanted to bring you these. I snuck a peek at your tracksuit this morning, and I got these to match.
Sue Sylvester: Those are cheap gas station flowers. I-I have no interest.
Will Schuester: Okay. But I also got you these. A tub of Extreme Challenge Lifestyle CarboGels. I had to drive to Dayton to get your favorite flavor. Appletini.
Sue Sylvester: Appletini.
Will Schuester: I don't get it either, Sue, but you can't deny that we have chemistry. My divorce opened my eyes to a world of possibilities. I thought I'd finally have the chance to have all the things I'd ever wanted. And then I realized, the only thing I want... is Sue. You have Nationals this Saturday, right?
Sue Sylvester: Why do you ask?
Will Schuester: Because I'd like to take you to dinner this week. How's Wednesday night? Breadstix? Good. Oh... You know what Wednesday is, right? Hump day.



Finn Hudson: I'm sorry, Mrs. Schuester, my heart's not in this. This whole Vocal Adrenaline thing's really getting me down, and we have to come up with this funk number for Glee, and I have like, less-than-zero ideas, and I...
Terri Del Monico: Glee?! God! This club is like toxic mold on my life. I'm sorry. What am I doing? This is exactly how I destroyed my marriage. I have this compulsive need to crush other people's dreams.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, that's what Mr. Schue said. I mean, I think you're awesome, though. I mean, look how hard you've been working to try and help me fold a sham. Well... and you'd be a total MILF if it weren't for the whole faking-the-mother thing.
Terri Del Monico: You're very sweet. You could be my second chance. I'm gonna change. I don't have to stay in this post-divorce funk forever, right?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, right, I guess.
Terri Del Monico: Well, then I am going to help you with your Glee assignment. Okay, you said you needed a funk song, right?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Terri Del Monico: Okay, so, we'll type "funk" into the iTunes, and we'll see what comes up.
Finn Hudson: I never thought of that.
Terri Del Monico: Oh, Howard, I'm promoting Finn to assistant assistant manager. You'll report to him from now on. Do you have a problem with that?
Finn Hudson: Wow, thanks.
Terri Del Monico: I believe in you, Finn.



Will Schuester: Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side. So, take it away.
Quinn Fabray: For some of us... just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer. When you're pregnant, you're responsible for two lives. And you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the man.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there.
Quinn Fabray: Hearing people call you fat. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say no.
Artie Abrams: This is offensive. Who are these girls?
Quinn Fabray: We're the "Unwed Mothership Connection." And that's what we're here to sing about.
# This is a man's world #
# This is a man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing #
# Nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # You see #
# Man made the cars #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ah #
Quinn Fabray: # To take us over the road #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ah #
Quinn Fabray: # Man made the train #
# To carry the heavy loads #
# Man made the boat for the water #
# Like Noah made the ark #
# This is a man's, man's, man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # He-he-he-hoo-hoo-hoo. #
# Without a woman or a girl #
# He-he-he-hoo-hoo-hoo. #
Quinn Fabray: # Man thinks about a little baby girls #
# And the baby boys #
# And after man make everything, everything he can #
# You know that man makes money #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # He makes money #
Quinn Fabray: # To buy from other man #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # To buy from other man #
Quinn Fabray: # This is a man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing #
# Not one little thing #
# Nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # He's lost #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # In bitterness #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # He's lost #
# Lost somewhere #
Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # In loneliness. #



Waitress Sandy: You're going to have to order something.
Sue Sylvester: My date will be here any minute.
Waitress Sandy: Your date's not coming. You got stood up.



Will Schuester: Right on time.
Sue Sylvester: How dare you?! You led me on. You told me you had feelings for me, then you ask me out, you don't show up, humiliating me. In public.
Will Schuester: Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that. You meddled around in my marriage, you terrorize the glee club, you continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma. I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention. I have no interest in dating you, Sue. You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
Sue Sylvester: I'm mean to everyone.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, fine. Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Sue Sylvester: This is uncalled for, William.
Will Schuester: Good night, Sue.



Will Schuester: Santana, are you all right? What... ? Kurt, what is going on around here?
Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed. We haven't had practice in days. I'm fine because I have Glee, but these girls have sort of lost it. No Nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships. And the rest are just depressed and confused.
Brittany S. Pierce: Please, please, love me, please.
Kurt Hummel: It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester— she doesn't need another trophy— but some of these girls, they really do.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk. With a little help from our special guest Mercedes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Whoo.
Artie Abrams: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Fasten your seat belts, people. It's going to be a funky ride.
# Yeah #
# Can you feel it, baby? #
Finn Hudson: # Come on, swing it #
# Come-come on, swing it #
# Come on, swing it #
# Come-come on, swing it #
Noah Puckerman: # Yo, it's about that time #
# To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme #
# I'm gonna get mine, so get yours #
# I want to see sweat comin' out your pores #
Finn Hudson: # On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this #
# Strictly hip-hop, boy, I ain't singing this #
# Bringing this to the entire nation #
# Black, white, red, brown, feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Noah & Finn: # Come on, feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #
Noah Puckerman: # The vibrations good like Sunkist #
# Many wanna know who done this #
# Pucky Puck and I'm here to move you #
# Rhymes will groove you and I'm here to prove to you #
# That we can party on the positive side #
# And pump positive vibes, so come along for the ride #
# Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation #
# So feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Noah & Finn: # Come on, feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #
Noah Puckerman: # Finnie D, break it down. #
Man: # Down, down, down, down #
Finn Hudson: # Finnie D's on the back up #
# Drug free, so put the crack up #
# No need for speed, I'm the anti D-R-U-G-G-I-E #
# My body is healthy, my rhymes make me wealthy #
# And the Funky Bunch helps me #
# To bring you a show with no intoxication #
# Come on, and feel the vibration #
Man: # Vibration #
Finn Hudson: # Yeah #
# Can you feel it, baby? #
# I can, too #
Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #
# It's such a good vibration. #
Will Schuester: All right. Great job, guys, but that's not funk. I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but that is a rap song.
Noah Puckerman: A kick-butt old school rap song.
Artie Abrams: Does it really matter, Mr. Schue? We're so clinically depressed, we're doing the wrong songs. We're in a deeper funk than ever.



Quinn Fabray: Mercedes, I'm so sorry.
Mercedes Jones: You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how it feels sometimes.
Quinn Fabray: For nine months. You've had to deal with this your whole life. People making assumptions, calling you names. I seriously can't understand why don't feel like yelling at people all the time.
Mercedes Jones: What's the point in getting angry?
Quinn Fabray: Because it's infuriating. I hate all the looks at school. Don't even get me started on Puck's mom.
Mercedes Jones: You're not angry. You're hurt. You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage. Get to the pain beneath it. So it's decided. Saturday you move out of Puck's house and you move in with me. I already talked to my mom about it. My brother went off to college and we have an extra room.
Quinn Fabray: Mercedes...
Mercedes Jones: It's cool. Us sisters got to stick together, right?



Imelda: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yes.
Imelda: Come in.
Will Schuester: Thank you. Um, is she doing okay?
Imelda: Never seen her like this. She won't leave her room, and refuses her protein shakes. Bad. Very bad.
Will Schuester: Well, please, tell her I'd love to speak with her.
Imelda: Let me ask.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Imelda: Careful. That Regionals '85. Very precious to Ms. Sue.
Will Schuester: Sorry.
Imelda: Mija, Mr. Schuester is here.
Sue Sylvester: Okay.
Imelda: Okay. She agreed to see you.
Will Schuester: Oh, gracias por tu ayuda.
Imelda: De Nada.
Sue Sylvester: So have you come to gloat?
Will Schuester: I, uh... I hear you're pulling out of Nationals, Sue. You know, for some of your girls that's going to have some really big consequences.
Sue Sylvester: I'm tired of those kids. I devoted my life to them. And what have I got to show for it?
Will Schuester: Five consecutive National championships.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, big deal. I'm alone, William. I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you. And, you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something. I pictured myself living a normal life. Having someone to come home to every night. And though I completely loathe you, you'd make a great trophy husband. And as you can see by my decor, I love me some trophies.
Will Schuester: Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger. I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk. But... just made things worse.
Sue Sylvester: So is that an apology?
Will Schuester: Yes, it is. And you're not alone, Sue. Your kids need you, so you do have love in your life.
Sue Sylvester: My kids don't love me; They fear me.
Will Schuester: But you love them, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Hand me my bullhorn, will you? Imelda! Make me a shake! To go!
Imelda: Hooray.
Sue Sylvester: Make it two.



Rachel Berry: Hello.
Jesse St. James: Meet me out in the parking lot.



Giselle: I hear you're a vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now. Do it, Jesse. Are you with us or not?
Rachel Berry: Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.
Jesse St. James: I loved you.



Rachel Berry: Now... nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, this is bull! Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.
Finn Hudson: Right on. It's time for less talking and more punching.
Will Schuester: Hey, what's going on?
Finn Hudson: We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.
Will Schuester: Guys, violence is never the answer.
Noah Puckerman: It is when the question is "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?!"
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, Rachel's one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.
Will Schuester: Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
Finn Hudson: We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.
Will Schuester: We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.
Santana Lopez: You haven't deleted his number yet?
Will Schuester: Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp.



Brett Paxton: Let's hear it from the internationally ranked Cheerios coach Sue Sylvester. Coach, six consecutive National titles. You're the Michael Jordan of cheerleading.
Sue Sylvester: Thanks, Brett, I am.
Brett Paxton: Sue, let us know about the decision you made to have Kurt Hummel here do a 14-and-a-half minute Celine Dion medley, entirely in French.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll tell you what, Brett, I'm all about finding a freakish, depressed kid and showing him what winning is all about.
Kurt Hummel: Vive Le difference! Whoo!
Brett Paxton: Well... Well, Sue, congratulations, but I have to ask you, where are you going to put that mammoth skyscraping trophy?
Sue Sylvester: I know just the place.



Sue Sylvester: Get out.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Wow. You did it, Sue...
Sue Sylvester: I'll do the talking, thank you very much. Let me break it down for you, William. You're standing at a crossroads. You have two choices: Number one: This trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
Will Schuester: And what's choice number two?
Sue Sylvester: You can kiss me... right here on the lips... with tongue.
Will Schuester: This is payback, isn't it? No one will know? Fine.
Sue Sylvester: You know what? I'm not gonna do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It's making me sick.


# Cut it #
# Soy, UN perdedor #
# I'm a loser, baby #
# So why don't you kill me? #
# Double-barrel buckshot #
# Soy, UN perdedor #
# I'm a loser, baby #
# So why don't you kill me? #
# Drive-by body pierce. #


Rachel Berry: Thanks for coming. After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute, which we were willing to put to rest, we decided the only way to truly funkify you is to show you the one thing we know you can't do. So enjoy.
Kurt Hummel: # Roof off #
# We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker #
# Tear the roof off the sucker, tear the roof off #
# We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker #
# Tear the roof off the sucker #
New Directions: # You've got a real type of thing #
# Going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going round #
# You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going round #
# Ow, we want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# Ow, we need the funk #
# We gotta have that funk #
# Ow, we want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# Ow, we need the funk #
# We gotta have that funk #
# Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# Give up the funk #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# Give up the funk #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
Mercedes Jones: # We turn this mother out! #
New Directions: # Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# You've got a real type of thing going down #
# Gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going down #
# All the rhythm goin' down #
# You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah! #
New Directions: # We want the funk #
# Yeah #
# Give up the funk #
# We need the funk, gotta have that funk! #
Mercedes Jones: # Funky! #
New Directions: # We want the funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
New Directions: # Give up the funk #
# We need the funk, gotta have some funk #
# We want the funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Funky, funky #
New Directions: # Give up the funk #
# We need the funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey, get down #
New Directions: # Gotta have that funk #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey, yeah! #
New Directions: # We want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# We need the funk #
# Gotta have that funk #
Noah Puckerman: See you punks at Regionals.
Jesse St. James: They did a funk number. We've never been able to pull off a funk number.
Giselle: Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.
Jesse St. James: I'm so depressed.
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122. Journey to Regionals

放送日:2010年6月8日


Ian Brennan: So I don't know why anyone would miss an episode of Glee, but here's what's been happening in case you did: Quinn's parents found out she's pregnant so they kicked her out.
Quinn Fabray: I needed my mom.
Mercedes Jones: So it's decided. You move in with me.
Ian Brennan: Jesse dropped Rachel and Mckinley and the New Directions and he's back on Vocal Adrenaline which freaked everybody out and convinced them they can't beat them at Regionals and if they don't place at Regionals, the club is over, which would be awful. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, see you on Saturday.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Sue Sylvester: At Regionals. Didn't you hear? I'm one of the judges.



Will Schuester: You cannot allow this to happen!
Principal Figgins: It's out of my hands, William. I have no control over what the Show Choir Governing Board says or does.
Sue Sylvester: Let me break it down for you, Will. It's been decided that this year's Regionals will be judged by celebrities. And I'm a celebrity now, William. Now I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality, but face it. I'm a legend. It's happened.
Will Schuester: Do you have any idea how hard my kids have been working, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I have to be honest, Will. I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou.
Will Schuester: Principal Figgins, I am begging you. Do not let her do this to those kids.
Sue Sylvester: William, I resent the implication that I don't play by the rules.
Will Schuester: You leaked our set list at Sectionals, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: I have no memory of that.
Will Schuester: I will not let you do this. We have worked ourselves to the bone to get where we are.
Principal Figgins: I'm sorry, Will, but our arrangement stands. You must win or place at Regionals, or I'm disbanding the club. If I were you, I would spend less time complaining to me and more time convincing Judge Sylvester here that your New Directions have got the goods!
Sue Sylvester: Good luck with that, Will.



Quinn Fabray: I can't do this.
Noah Puckerman: Yes, you can. Have another wine cooler.
Quinn Fabray: I'm president of the Celibacy Club. I took a vow.
Noah Puckerman: So did Santana and Brittany, and I did them.
Quinn Fabray: What about Finn? He's your best friend.
Noah Puckerman: Come on. We're in high school. You think either one of us is going to give a damn about Finn in three years? Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, but you can't tell anybody. I can't lose my rep.
Noah Puckerman: Our secret, baby.
Quinn Fabray: What about protection?
Noah Puckerman: I got it, trust me. This isn't just another hookup for me.
Quinn Fabray: Tell me one more time.
Noah Puckerman: You're not fat.



Will Schuester: Quinn? Quinn? Are you all right?
Quinn Fabray: It's been a long year.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Oh, you need some help with those plates?
Quinn Fabray: I'm not due for a month. Think I can handle a stack of plates.
Will Schuester: Right. I'm... Yeah. No one wants any pizza? All right, well, uh, let's get started. Thank you for coming to the first annual New Directions' Regionals' set list nominations party.
Artie Abrams: What's the point, Mr. Schue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges. She's gonna crush us.
Will Schuester: Artie, you don't know that.
Santana Lopez: Yes, we do. She told us at Cheerios practice.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she said, "I'm going to crush Glee Club."
Noah Puckerman: A whole freaking year. All that hard work for nothing.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm sorry. I just really love you guys. You know how many Facebook friends I had before I joined Glee Club? Two. My parents. Rachel was right. Being a part of something special— it made me special. I just can't believe it's going to be over in a week.
Finn Hudson: Wait. Who says it's going to be over?
Mercedes Jones: Please. You think Puck and Santana are going to even acknowledge my existence once we're not in Glee Club together anymore?
Noah Puckerman: She has a point.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester? Do you think instead of nominating songs, we can just... All go around the room and talk about things that we loved about Glee Club this year?



Will Schuester: It took everything I had not to cry. It's like they've all walked a thousand miles just to get punched in the stomach.
Emma Pillsbury: What exactly are you looking for from me here?
Will Schuester: Some guidance.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you remember when you were going to quit teaching and become an accountant, and I showed you that video of yourself singing at Nationals, and you said that that was the happiest moment of your life? Do you remember why?
Will Schuester: Because I loved what I was doing.
Emma Pillsbury: And isn't that what you've been drilling into their heads all year? That that feeling is way more important than winning or losing?
Will Schuester: I miss you.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm seeing someone.
Will Schuester: What?
Emma Pillsbury: His-his name's Carl. Carl... Howell. He's my dentist. He's always been very impressed with my oral hygiene, and the last time I was there, he was showing me the machines that they use to sterilize their tools, and he asked me out. We've been going out every night since then.
Will Schuester: You two haven't... ? Sorry. I'm-I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, that's... No. It's fine. That's fine. I just feel like you and I had our shot, Will.
Will Schuester: Thanks for the help.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, no, by the way. We haven't.


# Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows #
# Searching in the night #
# Streetlights, people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere #
# In the night. #


Finn Hudson: Hey! We need to talk. We had a chance of keeping it together at Mr. Schue's until you decided to bail. You're our leader, Rachel. The way you're on everyone all the time is annoying, but it's also what keeps the club motivated. You and I are going to fix this. We're going to Regionals, and we're going to win this thing.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, Finn and I have something we want to say to you.
Will Schuester: Me first. Have a seat. Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked. Bad. One day, all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it. Now, I was going to quit once, but you guys brought me back with " Don't Stop Believing." It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten.
Rachel Berry: We're doing "Don't Stop" at Regionals?
Will Schuester: And then some. We are doing a Journey medley. Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun? Rachel? You had something you wanted to say?
Rachel Berry: Just that we're all really glad you didn't become an accountant.
Will Schuester: Regionals, here we come!



Will Schuester: Thank you.
Woman: You're welcome.



Announcer: And now, our panel of judges. He's an international musical sensation, a platinum recording artist 20 times over, the inimitable Mr. Josh Groban! She's a four-time Grammy winner who starred in the highest-grossing movie musical of all time, Ms. Olivia Newton-John! He's a two-time local Emmy winner and broadcasting icon, WOHN news anchor Rod Remington! She is fresh off her fifth consecutive National Cheerleading Title and author of the soo n-to-be-published memoir, I'm A Winner and You're Fat, Ohio's home-grown iconoclast, Coach Sue Sylvester! And now, our first performance of the evening, from Westvale High in scenic Fort Wayne, Indiana, Aural Intensity!



Aural Intensity: # You raise me up... #
# You have to believe we are magic... #
Noah Puckerman: A mash up of Olivia Newto n-John and Josh Groban. Are you kidding me?! Somebody tipped them off about the judges.
Rachel Berry: Guys, we can't get distracted by what the other teams are doing.
Finn Hudson: We just got to keep our heads in the game and focus.
Santana Lopez: Even though we know we can't win?
Will Schuester: Yes. If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost. Besides, we have got something that the other groups don't.
Artie Abrams: What?
Will Schuester: Finn's dancing. Right? Come on. Now let's get out there. We got two minutes. Aural Intensity's almost finished. Bring it in. Come on. Come on. Let's go, go, go, go, go and...
New Directions: Whoa!



Rachel Berry: Break a leg.
Finn Hudson: I love you.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, our second competitors, winner of the Central Ohio Sectional, Mckinley High's New Directions!
Finn Hudson: # Highway run #
# Into the midnight sun #
# Wheels go round and round #
# You're on my mind #
Rachel Berry: # Restless hearts #
# Sleep alone tonight #
# Sending all my love #
# Along the wire #
Finn & Rachel: # They say that the road ain't no place to start a family #
# Right down the line it's been you and me #
# And loving a music man ain't always #
# What it'supposed to be #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, boy #
# You stand by me #
Finn & Rachel: # I'm forever yours #
# Faithfully #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Faithfully #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # I'm still yours... #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # I'm still yours... #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Finn & Rachel: # I'm still yours... #
# Faithfully. #
New Directions: # Any way you want it, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh #
Finn Hudson: # She loves to laugh #
# She loves to sing #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn Hudson: # She does everything #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn Hudson: # She loves to move #
New Directions: # Ba da, ba da #
Finn Hudson: # She loves to groove #
Finn & Rachel: # She loves the lovin' things #
Rachel Berry: # It won't be long, yeah #
# Till you're alone #
# When you lover #
Mercedes Jones: # Lover #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, he hasn't come home #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh, oh-oh-oh #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause he's lovin' #
Girls of ND: # Lovin' #
Rachel Berry: # He's touchin' #
Girls of ND: # Touchin' #
# He's squeezin' #
New Directions: # Another #
Mercedes Jones: # Another... #
New Directions: # Any way you want, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
Girls of ND: # Any way you want it #
New Directions: # She said, "Any way you want it" #
# "That's the way you need it" #
# "Any way you want it" #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh #
Noah Puckerman: # I was alone #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Noah Puckerman: # I never knew #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Noah Puckerman: # What good love could do #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn & Rachel: # Ooh, then we touched #
# Then we sang #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn & Rachel: # About the lovin' things #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause he's lovin' #
Girls of ND: # Lovin' #
Rachel Berry: # He's touchin' #
Girls of ND: # Touchin' #
# He's squeezin' #
New Directions: # Another #
Girls of ND: # Yeah, yeah... #
New Directions: # Any way you want it, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
# Any way you want it #
# She said, "Any way you want it, that's the way you need" #
# "Any way you want it" #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh #
# Na, na-na, na, na-na #
# Na, na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na, na, na-na #
# Na, na-na, na-na #
# Any you want it, that's the way you need it. #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da... #
Finn Hudson: # Just a small town girl #
New Directions: # Da, da, da... #
Finn Hudson: # Living in a lonely world #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #
Finn Hudson: # She took the midnight train going anywhere #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #
Rachel Berry: # Just a city boy #
# Born and raised in South Detroit #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #
Rachel Berry: # He took the midnight train going anywhere #
New Directions: # Da, da #
Noah Puckerman: # A singer in a smoky room #
Santana Lopez: # A smell of wine and cheap perfume #
Noah & Santana: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
Rachel & Artie: # Strangers, waiting #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da #
Rachel & Artie: # Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows searching in the night #
New Directions: # Da, da #
Rachel & Artie: # Streetlight, people #
New Directions: # Da, da #
Rachel & Artie: # Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere in the night #
Mercedes Jones: # Don't stop... #
New Directions: # Don't stop believin' #
Finn & Rachel: # Hold on to that feeling #
New Directions: # Streetlight, people #
# Whoa... #
# Don't stop. #



Finn Hudson: That was awesome!
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, my God!
Tina Cohen-Chang: We've got second place in the bag.
Rachel Berry: Screw that. We are going to win this!
Judy Fabray: Quinney?
Quinn Fabray: Mom. What are you doing here? Is Dad okay... ?
Judy Fabray: I came to hear you sing. You were wonderful. I'm-I'm so sorry I missed all the other times you performed. Were there a lot? I left your father. Well, I-I... kicked m out, actually. He was having an affair with some, uh... tattooed freak. Quinney, I want you to come home with me. I can turn the guest room into a nursery. Oh, sweetie, say something.
Quinn Fabray: My water just broke.



Vocal Adrenaline: # Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? #
# Caught in a landslide no escape from reality #
# Open your eyes look up to the skies and see #
Jesse St. James: # I'm just a poor boy #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Ooh #
# Ah #
Jesse St. James: # I need no sympathy #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low
Jesse St. James: # Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter #
Vocal Adrenaline: # To me #
Jesse St. James: # To me #
# Mama, just killed a man,
# Put a gun against his head
# Pulled my trigger, now he's dead #
# Mama #
Quinn Fabray: Mom, it hurts so bad!
Jesse St. James: # Life had justegun... #
Judy Fabray: My daughter is having a baby.
Jesse St. James: # But now I've gone #
Judy Fabray: Uh, right this way.
Jesse St. James: # And thrown it all away #
Quinn Fabray: Wait! Wait! I want Mercedes with me, too.
Jesse St. James: # Mama #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh #
# Didn't mean to make you cry #
# If I'm not back again this time tomorrow #
# Carry on, carry on #
# As if nothing really matters #
# Too late, my time has come sends shivers down my spine #
# Body's aching all the time #
# Goodbye everybody I've got to go #
# Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth #
Quinn Fabray: Mommy!
Jesse St. James: # Mama #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Any way the wind blows #
Quinn Fabray: Ooh!
Jesse St. James: # I don't want to die #
# I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all... #
Quinn Fabray: It's never coming, ever! Shut up! Ooh, you suck! You suck! You suck! You suck!
Judy Fabray: Come on, Quinney.
Jesse St. James: # I see a little silhouetto of a man #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? #
# Thunderbolts and lightning very very frightening me #
# Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, #
# Galileo Figaro #
# Magnifico-o-o-o #
Jesse St. James: # I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me #
Vocal Adrenaline: # He's just a poor boy from a poor family #
# Spare him his life from this monstrosity #
Jesse St. James: # Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bismillah! No - we will not let you go #
Quinn Fabray: Let me go!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Let him go #
# Bismillah! We will not let you go #
Quinn Fabray: Let me go!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Let him go #
# Bismillah! We will not let you go #
Quinn Fabray: Let me go!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Will not let you go, let me go #
# Will not let you go, let him go #
# Oh, oh, oh #
Quinn Fabray: No! No! No! No! No! No!
Vocal Adrenaline: # No! No! No! No! No! No! #
Nurse: Okay, she's crowning!
Jesse St. James: # Oh, mama mia, mama mia #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Mama mia, let me go #
Judy Fabray: Push, baby.
Vocal Adrenaline: # Beelzebub has a devil put aside #
Mercedes Jones: Come on, Quinn, push.
Vocal Adrenaline: # For me #
# For me #
# For me! #
Jesse St. James: # So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? #
# So you think you can love me and leave me to die? #
# Oh baby, can't do this to me baby #
# Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh yeah, ooh yeah #
Jesse St. James: # Nothing really matters, anyone can see
# Nothing really matters
# Nothing really matters, to me
Vocal Adrenaline: # Any way the wind blows. #
Quinn Fabray: Hi. Hi.



Rachel Berry: Congratulations.
Shelby Corcoran: Thanks, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: But we beat you today. Jesse's a good singer, but you and I both know he doesn't have much heart. Vocal Adrenaline's best days are behind it. So I have a proposition for you. Come teach at Mckinley.
Shelby Corcoran: Excuse me?
Rachel Berry: You and-and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We'd be unstoppable. There's so much that you can teach me. So much only you can teach me.
Shelby Corcoran: Oh, Rachel, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of coaching glee club. I want a life. It took meeting you to realize all the stuff that I missed out on. I need some balance, you know? I need a house and a garden and a dog, a f... family. I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. And I can't let that happen again. Where's the rest of your team?
Rachel Berry: They're, uh... They're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby.
Shelby Corcoran: Is she okay?
Rachel Berry: Yeah, she's fine. It was, um... It's a beautiful baby girl.



Sue Sylvester: Newton-John? You're dead to me. Remington, Horsey, have a seat and listen up. I don't care who comes in first, I don't care who places send, but I have a very strong opinion about who comes in third.
Rod Remington: Sue, if I may. That "Bohemian Rhapsody" had me a-movin' and a-shakin', and I'm talking old school. You know, I partied with Freddy Mercury back in the '70s, and I partied... hard, if you know what I mean. Back then, people weren't so obsessed with labels.
Olivia Newton-John: I, for one, was offended that only one of the groups chose to honor me in song. I think Aural Intensity should win.
Sue Sylvester: Yes.
Josh Groban: Two questions. One: Are you single? And two: How about those New Directions? I liked them. I thought they had a lot of... heart.
Olivia Newton-John: Heart? Oh, please. Talk about blatant tokenism. That whole "We're inspiring, we're a ragtag bunch of misfits" thing is so 2009.
Sue Sylvester: I couldn't agree more. Let's vote.
Olivia Newton-John: The production values simply weren't there. Couldn't they afford better costumes? Are they a poor person school?
Josh Groban: I thought that brunette had an amazing voice.
Olivia Newton-John: Brunettes have no place in show business.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, come on. They're just kids.
Olivia Newton-John: That's no excuse. By the time I was 14, I'd already formed a band. When Josh Groban was their age, he was already in The Mickey Mouse Club or something.
Sue Sylvester: As the only educator here, let me point out that not all kids are afforded the same opportunities as others.
Olivia Newton-John: Is that what you tell yourself to get to sleep at night? Some people just simply don't have talent. You think you're a celebrity. You're not. You just try hard. That's about it.
Rod Remington: Olivia Newton-John has a valid point here. You have a lot in common with those kids at your school, Sue. Underachievers with delusions of grandeur.
Josh Groban: Dagnabbit! Now even I have to admit, I'm a little confused as to what Sue is doing in this room. Wasn't the theme tonight supposed to be celebrity judges?
Sue Sylvester: Kiss my ass, Josh Groban! I am a internationall y-ranked cheerleading coach!
Olivia Newton-John: Who lives in Ohio. When this is done today, Josh and I are flying back to L.A. first class. You'll be staying here. Just like those kids. I think we've all made up our minds. Let's vote.



Sue Sylvester: Thank you all for coming. As you all know, glee club is such an important... and I honestly can't even finish that sentence. So let's just get to it. The 2010 Midwest Regional Runners-up from Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all stupidly-named Aural Intensity! Very good. Mm-hmm. And now, your 2010 Midwest Regional Show Choir Champions Vocal Adrenaline!
Artie Abrams: We didn't even place.



Noah Puckerman: She looks like you. Do you want to keep her?
Quinn Fabray: No. Do you? Did you love me?
Noah Puckerman: Yes. Especially now.
Shelby Corcoran: Which one is yours?
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing here?
Shelby Corcoran: I see her now. She looks like you. Does she have a name?
Quinn Fabray: No.
Noah Puckerman: Beth.
Shelby Corcoran: Pretty. I like that name.



Emma Pillsbury: How do you even call yourself a principal?
Principal Figgins: Okay, this is... This is it. This is not...
Will Schuester: Emma? Emma?! What was that about?
Emma Pillsbury: It's so unfair. Will, your kids have worked so hard for this. Did you know he's already given your choir room to the Mock UN?
Will Schuester: A deal's a deal. We lost, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Because Sue cheated! She cheated, Will, and where do you think all that money's going? It's going right into her pockets. We just... We can't let her win this one! How can you just stand there and be so calm about this? How can you just give up so easily?
Will Schuester: I've tried, Emma, okay? It... It-It's over.
Emma Pillsbury: No. No, it's never over. I don't care what anybody says. Some things are worth fighting for.
Will Schuester: You mean like the kids?
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, of course.
Will Schuester: Anything else?
Emma Pillsbury: No. No. This is about the glee club. This is not about us.
Will Schuester: The hell it is. I love you, Emma. There, I finally said it. And you love me, and dentist or no, this thing isn't over between us.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Can you please come to the auditorium?
Will Schuester: Sure.



Rachel Berry: So we have something we need to say to you.
Matt Rutherford: In the beginning of this year, I was just another football player.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I had a stutter.
Mercedes Jones: I was a closeted diva.
Quinn Fabray: I used to be captain of the Cheerios.
Artie Abrams: I was afraid to dance outside my room.
Santana Lopez: I hated everyone in this club.
Brittany S. Pierce: So did I.
Kurt Hummel: I wasn't honest about who I was.
Noah Puckerman: I was tossing kids into Dumpsters.
Artie Abrams: I had never kissed a girl before.
Rachel Berry: And I was getting slushied.
Finn Hudson: I didn't-I didn't have a father. Someone I could look up to. Model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man.
Rachel Berry: We don't care what the judges say. We won. Because we had you as a teacher.
Mercedes Jones: And Glee Club will never end, Mr. Schue, because... you are Glee Club. And you're in all of us now.
Rachel Berry: # Those schoolgirl days #
# Of telling tales #
# And biting nails are gone #
# But in my mind #
# I know they will #
# Still live on and on #
Mercedes Jones: # But how do you thank someone #
# Who has taken you from crayons to perfume? #
Kurt Hummel: # Oh, it isn't easy #
# But I'll try #
New Directions: # If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky #
# In letters that would soar #
# A thousand feet high #
# To Sir, with love #
Tina & Artie: # The time has come #
# For closing books #
# And long last looks must end #
Finn & Mercedes: # And as I leave #
# I know that I am leaving #
# My best friend #
Santana Lopez: # A friend who taught me right from wrong #
# And weak from strong, that's a lot to learn #
Kurt Hummel: # What can I give you in return? #
New Directions: # Oh, if you wanted the moon #
# I would try to make a start #
# But I would rather #
# You let me give my heart #
# To Sir, with love. #



Sue Sylvester: It's as barren as me in here, Will. Moving on to greener pastures?
Will Schuester: Did you just come to gloat, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Mostly.
Will Schuester: Well... congratulations. You got what you wanted. I should shake your hand.
Sue Sylvester: Not unless you got some hand sanitizer. I've seen that car you drive; I don't want to catch poor.
Will Schuester: Explain something to me. Maybe we weren't good enough yet to beat Vocal Adrenaline— fine. But we were so much better than Aural Intensity.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, William, I can't reveal how the voting went down. That would betray my sacred oath as judge or something. The results simply show the other clubs to be more deserving. All I can say is casting my vote was easy. It reflected exactly how I felt in my heart about which team should win.
Will Schuester: Well, Sue, congratulations. You win. I lose. The kids lose.
Sue Sylvester: I know you think I'm heartless, Will, and you may have a point. I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food. And I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that the two of us went to a zoo, and I shoved your face into one of those pink inflamed monkey butts that weeps lymph. And I know that you think I'm a bad person because I remain unmoved by your nattering of trite platitudes to your ill-shapen students about how the human condition can be improved by, yes, singing about it. And I've proven that I can wipe you and your Glee Club off the face of this earth. But what kind of a world would that be, Will? A world where I couldn't constantly ridicule your hair. World where I couldn't make fun of you for tearing up more than Michael Landon in a sweeps week's episode of Little House on the Prairie. And you know what, Will? Sue Sylvester's not sure she wants to live in that kind of world. So I had a little talk with Figgins.



Sue Sylvester: Glee Club gets another year. I get what I want. Do you really not understand how this sexual blackmail thing works?
Principal Figgins: Enough, Sue! I will not be blackmailed by you anymore! I will tell my wife of our heated sexual congress before I will be bullied by you again!
Sue Sylvester: One last chit, Figgy. Give the glee club another year, and I won't mention us making the beast with two backs again.
Principal Figgins: Huh?



Will Schuester: We have another year?
Sue Sylvester: You're a good teacher, Will. Now, I don't like you so much. But I admire you and the work you're doing with your kids. I really do. Bon chance, William. I relish the thought of another full year of constantly besting you.
Will Schuester: You know, Sue, inside... you're a really good person. You have a heart.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, let go of my hand.
Will Schuester: Hey... I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it.
Sue Sylvester: And I'm seriously going to puke in your mouth.



Will Schuester: We've got another year.
New Directions: What?
Will Schuester: Come on, we got another year!
Finn Hudson: What?!
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God!
Artie Abrams: Yeah!
Rachel Berry: Are you serious?!
Will Schuester: Whoa!
Rachel Berry: Okay, you guys, I think this is the perfect opportunity for us to start rehearsing for next year's Sectionals immediately...
Will Schuester: Guys, you've all worked really hard this year, and you deserve a break. But I have ideas. Take the summer off. Have some fun. Oh, but before you go, I have something for you. You all sang for me the other day, so today I'd like to return the favor. Puck, if you're ready.
Will & Noah: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Will Schuester: # Somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #
# Way up high #
# There's a land that I dreamed of #
# Once in a lullaby... #
Will & Noah: # Oh, somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #
Will Schuester: # Skies are blue #
# And the dreams that you dare to dream #
# Really do come true... #



Nurse: All the adoption papers seem to be in order. But there's no name on the birth certificate yet.
Shelby Corcoran: It's Beth.



Will Schuester: # Oh, someday I'll wish upon a star #
# And wake up where the clouds are far #
# Behind me #
Will & Noah: # Where troubles melt like lemon drops #
# High above the chimney tops #
# That's where #
# You'll find me #
# Oh, somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #
Will Schuester: # Bluebirds fly #
# Birds fly over the rainbow #
# Why then, oh, why can't I? #
# I... #


Ian Brennan: So I don't know why anyone would miss an episode of Glee, but here's what's been happening in case you did: Quinn's parents found out she's pregnant so they kicked her out.
Quinn Fabray: I needed my mom.
Mercedes Jones: So it's decided. You move in with me.
Ian Brennan: Jesse dropped Rachel and Mckinley and the New Directions and he's back on Vocal Adrenaline which freaked everybody out and convinced them they can't beat them at Regionals and if they don't place at Regionals, the club is over, which would be awful. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, see you on Saturday.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Sue Sylvester: At Regionals. Didn't you hear? I'm one of the judges.



Will Schuester: You cannot allow this to happen!
Principal Figgins: It's out of my hands, William. I have no control over what the Show Choir Governing Board says or does.
Sue Sylvester: Let me break it down for you, Will. It's been decided that this year's Regionals will be judged by celebrities. And I'm a celebrity now, William. Now I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality, but face it. I'm a legend. It's happened.
Will Schuester: Do you have any idea how hard my kids have been working, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I have to be honest, Will. I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou.
Will Schuester: Principal Figgins, I am begging you. Do not let her do this to those kids.
Sue Sylvester: William, I resent the implication that I don't play by the rules.
Will Schuester: You leaked our set list at Sectionals, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: I have no memory of that.
Will Schuester: I will not let you do this. We have worked ourselves to the bone to get where we are.
Principal Figgins: I'm sorry, Will, but our arrangement stands. You must win or place at Regionals, or I'm disbanding the club. If I were you, I would spend less time complaining to me and more time convincing Judge Sylvester here that your New Directions have got the goods!
Sue Sylvester: Good luck with that, Will.



Quinn Fabray: I can't do this.
Noah Puckerman: Yes, you can. Have another wine cooler.
Quinn Fabray: I'm president of the Celibacy Club. I took a vow.
Noah Puckerman: So did Santana and Brittany, and I did them.
Quinn Fabray: What about Finn? He's your best friend.
Noah Puckerman: Come on. We're in high school. You think either one of us is going to give a damn about Finn in three years? Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, but you can't tell anybody. I can't lose my rep.
Noah Puckerman: Our secret, baby.
Quinn Fabray: What about protection?
Noah Puckerman: I got it, trust me. This isn't just another hookup for me.
Quinn Fabray: Tell me one more time.
Noah Puckerman: You're not fat.



Will Schuester: Quinn? Quinn? Are you all right?
Quinn Fabray: It's been a long year.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Oh, you need some help with those plates?
Quinn Fabray: I'm not due for a month. Think I can handle a stack of plates.
Will Schuester: Right. I'm... Yeah. No one wants any pizza? All right, well, uh, let's get started. Thank you for coming to the first annual New Directions' Regionals' set list nominations party.
Artie Abrams: What's the point, Mr. Schue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges. She's gonna crush us.
Will Schuester: Artie, you don't know that.
Santana Lopez: Yes, we do. She told us at Cheerios practice.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she said, "I'm going to crush Glee Club."
Noah Puckerman: A whole freaking year. All that hard work for nothing.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm sorry. I just really love you guys. You know how many Facebook friends I had before I joined Glee Club? Two. My parents. Rachel was right. Being a part of something special— it made me special. I just can't believe it's going to be over in a week.
Finn Hudson: Wait. Who says it's going to be over?
Mercedes Jones: Please. You think Puck and Santana are going to even acknowledge my existence once we're not in Glee Club together anymore?
Noah Puckerman: She has a point.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester? Do you think instead of nominating songs, we can just... All go around the room and talk about things that we loved about Glee Club this year?



Will Schuester: It took everything I had not to cry. It's like they've all walked a thousand miles just to get punched in the stomach.
Emma Pillsbury: What exactly are you looking for from me here?
Will Schuester: Some guidance.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you remember when you were going to quit teaching and become an accountant, and I showed you that video of yourself singing at Nationals, and you said that that was the happiest moment of your life? Do you remember why?
Will Schuester: Because I loved what I was doing.
Emma Pillsbury: And isn't that what you've been drilling into their heads all year? That that feeling is way more important than winning or losing?
Will Schuester: I miss you.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm seeing someone.
Will Schuester: What?
Emma Pillsbury: His-his name's Carl. Carl... Howell. He's my dentist. He's always been very impressed with my oral hygiene, and the last time I was there, he was showing me the machines that they use to sterilize their tools, and he asked me out. We've been going out every night since then.
Will Schuester: You two haven't... ? Sorry. I'm-I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, that's... No. It's fine. That's fine. I just feel like you and I had our shot, Will.
Will Schuester: Thanks for the help.
Emma Pillsbury: Um, no, by the way. We haven't.


# Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows #
# Searching in the night #
# Streetlights, people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere #
# In the night. #


Finn Hudson: Hey! We need to talk. We had a chance of keeping it together at Mr. Schue's until you decided to bail. You're our leader, Rachel. The way you're on everyone all the time is annoying, but it's also what keeps the club motivated. You and I are going to fix this. We're going to Regionals, and we're going to win this thing.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, Finn and I have something we want to say to you.
Will Schuester: Me first. Have a seat. Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked. Bad. One day, all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it. Now, I was going to quit once, but you guys brought me back with " Don't Stop Believing." It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten.
Rachel Berry: We're doing "Don't Stop" at Regionals?
Will Schuester: And then some. We are doing a Journey medley. Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun? Rachel? You had something you wanted to say?
Rachel Berry: Just that we're all really glad you didn't become an accountant.
Will Schuester: Regionals, here we come!



Will Schuester: Thank you.
Woman: You're welcome.



Announcer: And now, our panel of judges. He's an international musical sensation, a platinum recording artist 20 times over, the inimitable Mr. Josh Groban! She's a four-time Grammy winner who starred in the highest-grossing movie musical of all time, Ms. Olivia Newton-John! He's a two-time local Emmy winner and broadcasting icon, WOHN news anchor Rod Remington! She is fresh off her fifth consecutive National Cheerleading Title and author of the soo n-to-be-published memoir, I'm A Winner and You're Fat, Ohio's home-grown iconoclast, Coach Sue Sylvester! And now, our first performance of the evening, from Westvale High in scenic Fort Wayne, Indiana, Aural Intensity!



Aural Intensity: # You raise me up... #
# You have to believe we are magic... #
Noah Puckerman: A mash up of Olivia Newto n-John and Josh Groban. Are you kidding me?! Somebody tipped them off about the judges.
Rachel Berry: Guys, we can't get distracted by what the other teams are doing.
Finn Hudson: We just got to keep our heads in the game and focus.
Santana Lopez: Even though we know we can't win?
Will Schuester: Yes. If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost. Besides, we have got something that the other groups don't.
Artie Abrams: What?
Will Schuester: Finn's dancing. Right? Come on. Now let's get out there. We got two minutes. Aural Intensity's almost finished. Bring it in. Come on. Come on. Let's go, go, go, go, go and...
New Directions: Whoa!



Rachel Berry: Break a leg.
Finn Hudson: I love you.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, our second competitors, winner of the Central Ohio Sectional, Mckinley High's New Directions!
Finn Hudson: # Highway run #
# Into the midnight sun #
# Wheels go round and round #
# You're on my mind #
Rachel Berry: # Restless hearts #
# Sleep alone tonight #
# Sending all my love #
# Along the wire #
Finn & Rachel: # They say that the road ain't no place to start a family #
# Right down the line it's been you and me #
# And loving a music man ain't always #
# What it'supposed to be #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, boy #
# You stand by me #
Finn & Rachel: # I'm forever yours #
# Faithfully #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Faithfully #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # I'm still yours... #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # I'm still yours... #
New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Finn & Rachel: # I'm still yours... #
# Faithfully. #
New Directions: # Any way you want it, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh #
Finn Hudson: # She loves to laugh #
# She loves to sing #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn Hudson: # She does everything #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn Hudson: # She loves to move #
New Directions: # Ba da, ba da #
Finn Hudson: # She loves to groove #
Finn & Rachel: # She loves the lovin' things #
Rachel Berry: # It won't be long, yeah #
# Till you're alone #
# When you lover #
Mercedes Jones: # Lover #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, he hasn't come home #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh, oh-oh-oh #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause he's lovin' #
Girls of ND: # Lovin' #
Rachel Berry: # He's touchin' #
Girls of ND: # Touchin' #
# He's squeezin' #
New Directions: # Another #
Mercedes Jones: # Another... #
New Directions: # Any way you want, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
Girls of ND: # Any way you want it #
New Directions: # She said, "Any way you want it" #
# "That's the way you need it" #
# "Any way you want it" #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh #
Noah Puckerman: # I was alone #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Noah Puckerman: # I never knew #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Noah Puckerman: # What good love could do #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn & Rachel: # Ooh, then we touched #
# Then we sang #
New Directions: # Ba da #
Finn & Rachel: # About the lovin' things #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause he's lovin' #
Girls of ND: # Lovin' #
Rachel Berry: # He's touchin' #
Girls of ND: # Touchin' #
# He's squeezin' #
New Directions: # Another #
Girls of ND: # Yeah, yeah... #
New Directions: # Any way you want it, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
# Any way you want it #
# She said, "Any way you want it, that's the way you need" #
# "Any way you want it" #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh #
# Na, na-na, na, na-na #
# Na, na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na, na, na-na #
# Na, na-na, na-na #
# Any you want it, that's the way you need it. #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da... #
Finn Hudson: # Just a small town girl #
New Directions: # Da, da, da... #
Finn Hudson: # Living in a lonely world #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #
Finn Hudson: # She took the midnight train going anywhere #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #
Rachel Berry: # Just a city boy #
# Born and raised in South Detroit #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #
Rachel Berry: # He took the midnight train going anywhere #
New Directions: # Da, da #
Noah Puckerman: # A singer in a smoky room #
Santana Lopez: # A smell of wine and cheap perfume #
Noah & Santana: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
Rachel & Artie: # Strangers, waiting #
New Directions: # Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da #
Rachel & Artie: # Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows searching in the night #
New Directions: # Da, da #
Rachel & Artie: # Streetlight, people #
New Directions: # Da, da #
Rachel & Artie: # Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere in the night #
Mercedes Jones: # Don't stop... #
New Directions: # Don't stop believin' #
Finn & Rachel: # Hold on to that feeling #
New Directions: # Streetlight, people #
# Whoa... #
# Don't stop. #



Finn Hudson: That was awesome!
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, my God!
Tina Cohen-Chang: We've got second place in the bag.
Rachel Berry: Screw that. We are going to win this!
Judy Fabray: Quinney?
Quinn Fabray: Mom. What are you doing here? Is Dad okay... ?
Judy Fabray: I came to hear you sing. You were wonderful. I'm-I'm so sorry I missed all the other times you performed. Were there a lot? I left your father. Well, I-I... kicked m out, actually. He was having an affair with some, uh... tattooed freak. Quinney, I want you to come home with me. I can turn the guest room into a nursery. Oh, sweetie, say something.
Quinn Fabray: My water just broke.



Vocal Adrenaline: # Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? #
# Caught in a landslide no escape from reality #
# Open your eyes look up to the skies and see #
Jesse St. James: # I'm just a poor boy #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Ooh #
# Ah #
Jesse St. James: # I need no sympathy #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low
Jesse St. James: # Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter #
Vocal Adrenaline: # To me #
Jesse St. James: # To me #
# Mama, just killed a man,
# Put a gun against his head
# Pulled my trigger, now he's dead #
# Mama #
Quinn Fabray: Mom, it hurts so bad!
Jesse St. James: # Life had justegun... #
Judy Fabray: My daughter is having a baby.
Jesse St. James: # But now I've gone #
Judy Fabray: Uh, right this way.
Jesse St. James: # And thrown it all away #
Quinn Fabray: Wait! Wait! I want Mercedes with me, too.
Jesse St. James: # Mama #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh #
# Didn't mean to make you cry #
# If I'm not back again this time tomorrow #
# Carry on, carry on #
# As if nothing really matters #
# Too late, my time has come sends shivers down my spine #
# Body's aching all the time #
# Goodbye everybody I've got to go #
# Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth #
Quinn Fabray: Mommy!
Jesse St. James: # Mama #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Any way the wind blows #
Quinn Fabray: Ooh!
Jesse St. James: # I don't want to die #
# I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all... #
Quinn Fabray: It's never coming, ever! Shut up! Ooh, you suck! You suck! You suck! You suck!
Judy Fabray: Come on, Quinney.
Jesse St. James: # I see a little silhouetto of a man #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? #
# Thunderbolts and lightning very very frightening me #
# Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, #
# Galileo Figaro #
# Magnifico-o-o-o #
Jesse St. James: # I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me #
Vocal Adrenaline: # He's just a poor boy from a poor family #
# Spare him his life from this monstrosity #
Jesse St. James: # Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Bismillah! No - we will not let you go #
Quinn Fabray: Let me go!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Let him go #
# Bismillah! We will not let you go #
Quinn Fabray: Let me go!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Let him go #
# Bismillah! We will not let you go #
Quinn Fabray: Let me go!
Vocal Adrenaline: # Will not let you go, let me go #
# Will not let you go, let him go #
# Oh, oh, oh #
Quinn Fabray: No! No! No! No! No! No!
Vocal Adrenaline: # No! No! No! No! No! No! #
Nurse: Okay, she's crowning!
Jesse St. James: # Oh, mama mia, mama mia #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Mama mia, let me go #
Judy Fabray: Push, baby.
Vocal Adrenaline: # Beelzebub has a devil put aside #
Mercedes Jones: Come on, Quinn, push.
Vocal Adrenaline: # For me #
# For me #
# For me! #
Jesse St. James: # So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? #
# So you think you can love me and leave me to die? #
# Oh baby, can't do this to me baby #
# Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here #
Vocal Adrenaline: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh yeah, ooh yeah #
Jesse St. James: # Nothing really matters, anyone can see
# Nothing really matters
# Nothing really matters, to me
Vocal Adrenaline: # Any way the wind blows. #
Quinn Fabray: Hi. Hi.



Rachel Berry: Congratulations.
Shelby Corcoran: Thanks, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: But we beat you today. Jesse's a good singer, but you and I both know he doesn't have much heart. Vocal Adrenaline's best days are behind it. So I have a proposition for you. Come teach at Mckinley.
Shelby Corcoran: Excuse me?
Rachel Berry: You and-and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We'd be unstoppable. There's so much that you can teach me. So much only you can teach me.
Shelby Corcoran: Oh, Rachel, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of coaching glee club. I want a life. It took meeting you to realize all the stuff that I missed out on. I need some balance, you know? I need a house and a garden and a dog, a f... family. I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. And I can't let that happen again. Where's the rest of your team?
Rachel Berry: They're, uh... They're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby.
Shelby Corcoran: Is she okay?
Rachel Berry: Yeah, she's fine. It was, um... It's a beautiful baby girl.



Sue Sylvester: Newton-John? You're dead to me. Remington, Horsey, have a seat and listen up. I don't care who comes in first, I don't care who places send, but I have a very strong opinion about who comes in third.
Rod Remington: Sue, if I may. That "Bohemian Rhapsody" had me a-movin' and a-shakin', and I'm talking old school. You know, I partied with Freddy Mercury back in the '70s, and I partied... hard, if you know what I mean. Back then, people weren't so obsessed with labels.
Olivia Newton-John: I, for one, was offended that only one of the groups chose to honor me in song. I think Aural Intensity should win.
Sue Sylvester: Yes.
Josh Groban: Two questions. One: Are you single? And two: How about those New Directions? I liked them. I thought they had a lot of... heart.
Olivia Newton-John: Heart? Oh, please. Talk about blatant tokenism. That whole "We're inspiring, we're a ragtag bunch of misfits" thing is so 2009.
Sue Sylvester: I couldn't agree more. Let's vote.
Olivia Newton-John: The production values simply weren't there. Couldn't they afford better costumes? Are they a poor person school?
Josh Groban: I thought that brunette had an amazing voice.
Olivia Newton-John: Brunettes have no place in show business.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, come on. They're just kids.
Olivia Newton-John: That's no excuse. By the time I was 14, I'd already formed a band. When Josh Groban was their age, he was already in The Mickey Mouse Club or something.
Sue Sylvester: As the only educator here, let me point out that not all kids are afforded the same opportunities as others.
Olivia Newton-John: Is that what you tell yourself to get to sleep at night? Some people just simply don't have talent. You think you're a celebrity. You're not. You just try hard. That's about it.
Rod Remington: Olivia Newton-John has a valid point here. You have a lot in common with those kids at your school, Sue. Underachievers with delusions of grandeur.
Josh Groban: Dagnabbit! Now even I have to admit, I'm a little confused as to what Sue is doing in this room. Wasn't the theme tonight supposed to be celebrity judges?
Sue Sylvester: Kiss my ass, Josh Groban! I am a internationall y-ranked cheerleading coach!
Olivia Newton-John: Who lives in Ohio. When this is done today, Josh and I are flying back to L.A. first class. You'll be staying here. Just like those kids. I think we've all made up our minds. Let's vote.



Sue Sylvester: Thank you all for coming. As you all know, glee club is such an important... and I honestly can't even finish that sentence. So let's just get to it. The 2010 Midwest Regional Runners-up from Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all stupidly-named Aural Intensity! Very good. Mm-hmm. And now, your 2010 Midwest Regional Show Choir Champions Vocal Adrenaline!
Artie Abrams: We didn't even place.



Noah Puckerman: She looks like you. Do you want to keep her?
Quinn Fabray: No. Do you? Did you love me?
Noah Puckerman: Yes. Especially now.
Shelby Corcoran: Which one is yours?
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing here?
Shelby Corcoran: I see her now. She looks like you. Does she have a name?
Quinn Fabray: No.
Noah Puckerman: Beth.
Shelby Corcoran: Pretty. I like that name.



Emma Pillsbury: How do you even call yourself a principal?
Principal Figgins: Okay, this is... This is it. This is not...
Will Schuester: Emma? Emma?! What was that about?
Emma Pillsbury: It's so unfair. Will, your kids have worked so hard for this. Did you know he's already given your choir room to the Mock UN?
Will Schuester: A deal's a deal. We lost, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Because Sue cheated! She cheated, Will, and where do you think all that money's going? It's going right into her pockets. We just... We can't let her win this one! How can you just stand there and be so calm about this? How can you just give up so easily?
Will Schuester: I've tried, Emma, okay? It... It-It's over.
Emma Pillsbury: No. No, it's never over. I don't care what anybody says. Some things are worth fighting for.
Will Schuester: You mean like the kids?
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, of course.
Will Schuester: Anything else?
Emma Pillsbury: No. No. This is about the glee club. This is not about us.
Will Schuester: The hell it is. I love you, Emma. There, I finally said it. And you love me, and dentist or no, this thing isn't over between us.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Can you please come to the auditorium?
Will Schuester: Sure.



Rachel Berry: So we have something we need to say to you.
Matt Rutherford: In the beginning of this year, I was just another football player.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I had a stutter.
Mercedes Jones: I was a closeted diva.
Quinn Fabray: I used to be captain of the Cheerios.
Artie Abrams: I was afraid to dance outside my room.
Santana Lopez: I hated everyone in this club.
Brittany S. Pierce: So did I.
Kurt Hummel: I wasn't honest about who I was.
Noah Puckerman: I was tossing kids into Dumpsters.
Artie Abrams: I had never kissed a girl before.
Rachel Berry: And I was getting slushied.
Finn Hudson: I didn't-I didn't have a father. Someone I could look up to. Model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man.
Rachel Berry: We don't care what the judges say. We won. Because we had you as a teacher.
Mercedes Jones: And Glee Club will never end, Mr. Schue, because... you are Glee Club. And you're in all of us now.
Rachel Berry: # Those schoolgirl days #
# Of telling tales #
# And biting nails are gone #
# But in my mind #
# I know they will #
# Still live on and on #
Mercedes Jones: # But how do you thank someone #
# Who has taken you from crayons to perfume? #
Kurt Hummel: # Oh, it isn't easy #
# But I'll try #
New Directions: # If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky #
# In letters that would soar #
# A thousand feet high #
# To Sir, with love #
Tina & Artie: # The time has come #
# For closing books #
# And long last looks must end #
Finn & Mercedes: # And as I leave #
# I know that I am leaving #
# My best friend #
Santana Lopez: # A friend who taught me right from wrong #
# And weak from strong, that's a lot to learn #
Kurt Hummel: # What can I give you in return? #
New Directions: # Oh, if you wanted the moon #
# I would try to make a start #
# But I would rather #
# You let me give my heart #
# To Sir, with love. #



Sue Sylvester: It's as barren as me in here, Will. Moving on to greener pastures?
Will Schuester: Did you just come to gloat, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Mostly.
Will Schuester: Well... congratulations. You got what you wanted. I should shake your hand.
Sue Sylvester: Not unless you got some hand sanitizer. I've seen that car you drive; I don't want to catch poor.
Will Schuester: Explain something to me. Maybe we weren't good enough yet to beat Vocal Adrenaline— fine. But we were so much better than Aural Intensity.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, William, I can't reveal how the voting went down. That would betray my sacred oath as judge or something. The results simply show the other clubs to be more deserving. All I can say is casting my vote was easy. It reflected exactly how I felt in my heart about which team should win.
Will Schuester: Well, Sue, congratulations. You win. I lose. The kids lose.
Sue Sylvester: I know you think I'm heartless, Will, and you may have a point. I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food. And I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that the two of us went to a zoo, and I shoved your face into one of those pink inflamed monkey butts that weeps lymph. And I know that you think I'm a bad person because I remain unmoved by your nattering of trite platitudes to your ill-shapen students about how the human condition can be improved by, yes, singing about it. And I've proven that I can wipe you and your Glee Club off the face of this earth. But what kind of a world would that be, Will? A world where I couldn't constantly ridicule your hair. World where I couldn't make fun of you for tearing up more than Michael Landon in a sweeps week's episode of Little House on the Prairie. And you know what, Will? Sue Sylvester's not sure she wants to live in that kind of world. So I had a little talk with Figgins.



Sue Sylvester: Glee Club gets another year. I get what I want. Do you really not understand how this sexual blackmail thing works?
Principal Figgins: Enough, Sue! I will not be blackmailed by you anymore! I will tell my wife of our heated sexual congress before I will be bullied by you again!
Sue Sylvester: One last chit, Figgy. Give the glee club another year, and I won't mention us making the beast with two backs again.
Principal Figgins: Huh?



Will Schuester: We have another year?
Sue Sylvester: You're a good teacher, Will. Now, I don't like you so much. But I admire you and the work you're doing with your kids. I really do. Bon chance, William. I relish the thought of another full year of constantly besting you.
Will Schuester: You know, Sue, inside... you're a really good person. You have a heart.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, let go of my hand.
Will Schuester: Hey... I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it.
Sue Sylvester: And I'm seriously going to puke in your mouth.



Will Schuester: We've got another year.
New Directions: What?
Will Schuester: Come on, we got another year!
Finn Hudson: What?!
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God!
Artie Abrams: Yeah!
Rachel Berry: Are you serious?!
Will Schuester: Whoa!
Rachel Berry: Okay, you guys, I think this is the perfect opportunity for us to start rehearsing for next year's Sectionals immediately...
Will Schuester: Guys, you've all worked really hard this year, and you deserve a break. But I have ideas. Take the summer off. Have some fun. Oh, but before you go, I have something for you. You all sang for me the other day, so today I'd like to return the favor. Puck, if you're ready.
Will & Noah: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Will Schuester: # Somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #
# Way up high #
# There's a land that I dreamed of #
# Once in a lullaby... #
Will & Noah: # Oh, somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #
Will Schuester: # Skies are blue #
# And the dreams that you dare to dream #
# Really do come true... #



Nurse: All the adoption papers seem to be in order. But there's no name on the birth certificate yet.
Shelby Corcoran: It's Beth.



Will Schuester: # Oh, someday I'll wish upon a star #
# And wake up where the clouds are far #
# Behind me #
Will & Noah: # Where troubles melt like lemon drops #
# High above the chimney tops #
# That's where #
# You'll find me #
# Oh, somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #
Will Schuester: # Bluebirds fly #
# Birds fly over the rainbow #
# Why then, oh, why can't I? #
# I... #
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201. Audition

放送日:2010年9月21日


Ian Brennan: So, here's what you missed last season on Glee. Quinn had a baby, Finn and Rachel are in love, Sue's going easy on Will, and even though the Glee Club worked really hard to get to Regionals, they didn't win.
Sue Sylvester: Vocal Adrenaline!
Ian Brennan: But it's okay to not win an award, particularly when you had so much fun getting there, right? Right?
Artie Abrams: We didn't even place.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Jacob Ben Israel: Up here. Come on, focus. Okay. Hi, I'm Jacob Ben Israel with Glee's Big Gay Summer, with all the Glee Club dish you're dying to know. Rachel, how do you respond to rumors you're incredibly difficult to work with?
Finn Hudson: Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that.
Rachel Berry: We've been dating all summer.
Finn Hudson: Rachel's what you'd call a controllist.
Rachel Berry: I-I'm controlling. "Controllist" isn't a word.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: I'm controlling. Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee Clubbers?
Finn Hudson: Yes. That was out loud, wasn't it?



Jacob Ben Israel: Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your Glee Club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod?
Will Schuester: Well, I try to do something for everybody. Uh, 25% show tunes, 25% hip-hop, 25% classic rock...
Jacob Ben Israel: 100% gay.



Jacob Ben Israel: Confirm or deny the rumor that because you knocked up Quinn Fabray, you spent all your summer pool cleaning money on a vasectomy.
Noah Puckerman: It's true. It was the responsible thing to do.
Jacob Ben Israel: Is it also true you're suffering from a crippling depression because you're not over Miss Fabray?



Jacob Ben Israel: How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?
Quinn Fabray: Well, I'm happy to be back, and I'm ready to start fresh. And... I'm a lot less hormonal, so... so there's not really any crying.
Jacob Ben Israel: How was your summer?
Santana Lopez: My eyes are up here, JewFro. And it was uneventful.
Brittany S. Pierce: People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.



Jacob Ben Israel: What can you say about the rumors the two of you are dating?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Because we're both Asian? That's racist.
Mike Chang: Totally racist.
Jacob Ben Israel: Um. Did you get that? You saw it here first.



Jacob Ben Israel: Did you know there's a forum on my blog that's begging you to stop rapping?
Will Schuester: Wait, th-the kids don't like it when I rap?



Jacob Ben Israel: When will you Glee Clubbers accept the fact that people hate you and think you're nothing but a glorified karaoke club designed to make the inventors of AutoTune millions of dollars?
Kurt Hummel: Kiss it, Jacob. Go away, go away.



Jacob Ben Israel: When exactly did you ink your sponsorship with Lands' End?



Jacob Ben Israel: When are you slated to make your triumphant return to the Shire?



Jacob Ben Israel: How do you get the white on rice?



Jacob Ben Israel: What did you do with all that breast milk?



Kurt Hummel: You know what, Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log on to the Internet and start tearing people down, does it? But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something. So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say to my face.
Azimio Adams: Welcome back, lady!
Dave Karofsky: Whoo!
Kurt Hummel: I don't suppose there's any way you could just cut out that last part, is there?



Sue Sylvester: Hey, why so glum, William? Cat crap in your coffee? Or are you worried no one's signing up for your little club there?
Will Schuester: Nah, not at all, Sue. Nationals are in New York City this year. I think that list is gonna be filled up in no time.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you know what your problem is? "No tryouts, just sign up." Nobody wants to be part of a club that just anyone can join. See this? It's a court summons-- child endangerment-- 'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon, several others started worshipping a possum carcass as their lord. That's how much they want to be Cheerios.
Will Schuester: Well, sorry, Sue. Anyone who wants to join Glee Club gets to join.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, God, Will, let me break it down for you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions. Not everyone should be champions. We need fry cooks and bus drivers.
Will Schuester: Well, Sue, it's how I work, and it's not going to change.
Sue Sylvester: I like being friends with you, Will. This is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it all by yourself. Oh, it's time to feed my gimp. Oh, and also, Figgins wants to see us. Ah-ah-ah! Not you! Hands off that list.



Sue Sylvester: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the President of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Principal Figgins: Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.
Sue Sylvester: Do you think your kids can manage life without their daddy?
Will Schuester: We're barely surviving on the budget we have. Slashing the Glee budget by ten percent, cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.
Principal Figgins: Sacrifices must be made.
Shannon Beiste: This is being mandated at the district level, guys. Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations is through a successful athletic department-- specifically, a winning football team.
Sue Sylvester: Who's this?
Shannon Beiste: I'm Shannon Beiste; I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?
Principal Figgins: Nervous breakdown. Don't look at it as a punishment, look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures. The more money the football program brings in, the more I can give back to you guys! Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive all-Missouri high school football championship. We're very lucky to have her!
Shannon Beiste: What can I say? I like a challenge.
Sue Sylvester: First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse-- sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to Hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles. But you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.
Shannon Beiste: Do not get up in a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.
Sue Sylvester: That doesn't make any sense.
Will Schuester: Coach, uh, Beiste, I-I think you understand our frustration. Our budgets just got cut by ten percent.
Shannon Beiste: It should have been more! You think there's not something wrong when the cheerleaders' budget's higher than the people who they're cheering for?
Will Schuester: Well, sure, but the Glee Club is a...
Shannon Beiste: The Glee Club? You came in third last year and you're asking for more money? That's a steer with six teats and no oink.
Sue Sylvester: This doesn't make any sense.
Will Schuester: What?



Will Schuester: These are comments from Jacob Ben-Israel's most recent Glee Club blog. "Glee is a giant ball of suck."
Kurt Hummel: We get it, Mr. Schue. Everyone still hates us. So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain? Only difference now is that none of us really care.
Mercedes Jones: Kurt's right. We're a family. They can bring it all they want. None of it is going to break us.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm really happy that you guys have all bonded. The problem is that all of this negative stuff is keeping other students from auditioning.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Good. Why do we need new members?
Will Schuester: Well, since Matt transferred, we only have 11 members, and if we want to go to Nationals, if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. You didn't see Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals. They were epic. We're going to need more voices in order to beat them.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I'm with Rachel on this one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Gross.
Will Schuester: You're going to have to trust me on this, guys. Now, here's the plan. Nationals are in New York this year, and we are going. Now let's go out there and show the school how cool it's going to be, how cool we can be. If they're not going to come to us, let's go to them. They say we only sing show tunes and '80s pop. Let's show them how down we are. Let's give them the song of the year, New Directions style.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Whoo! Whoo!
Mike Chang: Yeah!



Boys of ND: # Bum bum bum #
Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah #
Boys of ND: # Bum bum bum #
Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah, yeah, I'm out that Brooklyn #
# Now I'm down in Tribeca #
# Right next to DeNiro, but I'll be hood forever #
# I'm the new Sinatra #
# And since I made it here, I can make it anywhere #
# Yeah, they love me everywhere #
Finn Hudson: # I used to cop in Harlem #
# All of my Dominicanos #
# Right there up on Broadway #
# Pull me back to that McDonald's #
# Took it to my stash box, 560 State Street #
# Catch me in the kitchen like a Simmons whippin' pastries #
Mercedes Jones: # Aah, ooh #
Noah Puckerman: # Eight million stories #
# Out there in it naked #
# City, it's a pity #
# Half of y'all won't make it #
# Me, I got a plug, Special Ed "I Got It Made" #
# If Jesus payin' LeBron, I'm payin' Dwyane Wade #
Mercedes Jones: # Aah #
Noah Puckerman: # Three dice cee-lo, three card monte #
# Labor Day Parade, rest in peace, Bob Marley #
# Jigga I be Spik'd out #
# I could trip a referee #
# Tell by my attitude that I'm most definitely from #
New Directions: # New York #
Noah Puckerman: # Hey #
New Directions: # Concrete jungle where dreams are made of #
# There's nothin' you can't do #
Noah Puckerman: # That Brooklyn #
New Directions: # Now you're in New York #
Mercedes Jones: # You're in New York #
Noah Puckerman: # Welcome to the bright lights, baby #
New Directions: # These streets will make you feel brand new #
# Big lights will inspire you #
# Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York #
Rachel Berry: # Yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # One hand in the air for the big city #
# Street lights, big dreams, all lookin' pretty #
# No place in the world that could compare #
# Put your lighters in the air #
Boys of ND: # Everybody say "Yeah, yeah" #
New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #
# In New York #
# Concrete jungle where dreams are made of #
# There's nothing you can't do #
# Now you're in New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, New York #
New Directions: # These streets will make you feel brand new #
Mercedes Jones: # Brand new #
New Directions: # Big lights will inspire you #
# Let's hear it for New York #
# New York, New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, New York #
Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah. #



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sue Sylvester: Sure, buddy. You look steamed.
Will Schuester: Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club was all about. And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet. "Buttface McBallnuts." "Ass-braham Lin-colon." They're not even funny!
Sue Sylvester: Now, don't be rude, William. I put a lot of thought into those. Consider this a wakeup call. You're worried about getting new recruits? Well, if Beiste get her way and our budgets are slashed, you'll be cutting kids left and right.
Will Schuester: You're right. I hadn't thought about that.
Sue Sylvester: Beiste needs to be stopped, and I need your help to topple her. You in?
Will Schuester: I'm in.



Finn Hudson: I was really excited about my Glee Club recruit poster design. I made it super masculine, just like these pamphlets I saw some Army guys passing out at a daycare center. Then, I heard something...
Sam Evans: # We both lie silent and still in the dead of the night #
# Although we lie close together #
# I feel like we're miles apart... #
Finn Hudson: It was this new transfer kid. I saw him tapping his foot when we busted it out in the courtyard the day before...
Sam Evans: # Every rose has its thorn #
# Just like every night has its dawn #
Finn Hudson: I would've joined in with a kick-ass harmony, but the dude was naked.
Sam Evans: # Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song... #



Rachel Berry: Oh, hello! I couldn't help but notice you admiring me yesterday in the courtyard.
Sunshine Corazon: Um, what?
Rachel Berry: Oh, you don't speak English. You like me sing! You like me sing very much!
Sunshine Corazon: Um, I totally speak English.
Rachel Berry: I even did a little research on you. You're a foreign exchange student named Sunshine Corazon because you're from the Philippines, where it's sunny every day.
Sunshine Corazon: Except for the monsoons.
Rachel Berry: Listen, Sunshine, we need chorus members; people to stand behind me and stare at me with wet, moved eyes while I sing solos. So I encourage you to audition for Glee Club! Glee Club is fun! Swaying in background can be fun!
Sunshine Corazon: Thank you.
Rachel Berry: Okay.
Sunshine Corazon: # Hello, hello, baby, you called, I can't hear a thing #
# I have got no service in the club, you say, say? #
# Wha-wha-what did you say? Oh, you're breaking up on me #
# Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy #
Rachel Berry: # K-kinda busy #
Sunshine Corazon: # K-kinda busy #
Rachel & Sunshine: # Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy #
Rachel Berry: # Just a second, it's my favorite song # They're gonna play #
# And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh? #
# You shoulda made some plans with me #
# You knew that I was free #
# And now you won't stop calling me, I'm kinda busy #
Sunshine Corazon: # Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna think anymore! #
Rachel Berry: # I left my head and my heart on the dance floor #
Sunshine Corazon: # Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna talk anymore! #
Rachel Berry: # I left my head and my heart on the dance floor #
# Stop telephoning me! #
# Stop telephoning me #
# I'm being... #
Sue Sylvester: Shut up!
Sunshine Corazon: Um. That was fun. I'd love to join your club. When are auditions?
Rachel Berry: Let me get back to you on that one. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?
Sunshine Corazon: Okay.



Finn Hudson: We're trying to recruit new members for Glee Club.
Shannon Beiste: The Panther isn't cool with anything except doing exactly what she says without question. That's how you win. Now, first things first. You're all cut. Everyone starts fresh with me. Tryouts start... right now. Any questions?
Pizza Guy: I got 25 everything pies for a Coach... Beiste?
Shannon Beiste: I didn't order any pizzas.
Will Schuester: Isn't this kind of immature?
Sue Sylvester: No, it's downright childish. But I know gals like Beiste. Oh, her high school life must have been miserable. She's oversized, humorless, refers to herself in the third person as an animal. This kind of abuse and teasing will bring back all those childhood memories. She'll be shaken to her core. Humiliated and devastated. She'll have no choice but to quit her job, and our budgets will be restored.
Will Schuester: Yes!
Pizza Guy: The boss says, uh, if you don't pay for 'em, I have to. Which means we have to reuse my kid's Pampers. For another week.
Shannon Beiste: Hand 'em out, Wayne Newton. All right, guys, it's a pizza party. Dig in. Everybody has to eat at least four slices. Let's go! And when you're done, full pads out on the field. We're doing wind sprints. And the first ten to puke are off the team. Hey, guys, um, there's pizza in there, if you want some.
Sue Sylvester: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Thank you.



Artie Abrams: I figured that if Kurt's gay and he can do it, then why can't I?
Finn Hudson: Being gay isn't a handicap, Artie. How can you play football in a wheelchair, anyway?
Artie Abrams: I have to get on that team, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Dude, what's this about?
Artie Abrams: Tina. She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at... Asian Camp.



Artie Abrams: They were counselors, in charge of teaching all those tech-savvy Asian kids about the arts.
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Getting to know all about you #
# Getting to like you... #



Finn Hudson: So, what did Tina say when she broke up with you?



Tina Cohen-Chang: I think you're great, Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend. You ignored me for weeks this summer.
Artie Abrams: I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.



Finn Hudson: Dude, I'm sympathetic for you; I just don't see you on the football team.
Artie Abrams: Imagine you were pushing me in this big hunk of metal down the field at full speed. The centrifugal force would be too much to stop. I'd be like a medieval battering ram.
Finn Hudson: Dude, you'd be like a human cannonball. That would be awesome!
Artie Abrams: So you'll help?
Finn Hudson: Sure. But you got to help me first. Hey, Sam. My name's Finn. This here is Artie.
Sam Evans: Yeah, I know who you are. You're the... the quarterback.
Finn Hudson: Exactly-- which makes me very cool. And we'd like to talk to you about Glee Club.



Finn Hudson: So, Sam, tell us about yourself.
Sam Evans: My name's Sam Evans. I like comic books, sports. I'm dyslexic, so my grades aren't that good, but... I'm working on it.
Noah Puckerman: Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?
Sam Evans: I don't... know. I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?
Finn Hudson: I like this kid.
Artie Abrams: I like his confidence, but the Bieber cut's gotta go.
Finn Hudson: Mm-hmm.
Noah Puckerman: So, can you sing with that big mouth?
Sam Evans: I've never really sung in front of anybody before.
Noah Puckerman: Dude, let me tell you, chicks dig singers.
Finn Hudson: Well, give it a shot. We'll back you up, I promise. What song you got in your back pocket?
Sam Evans: Um... "Billionaire"?
# I wanna be a billionaire #
# So freakin' bad #
# Buy all of the things I never had #
# I wanna be on the cover of #
# Forbes magazine #
# Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen #
# Oh, every time I close #
# My eyes #
# I see my name in shining lights #
# Yeah #
# A different city every night #
# Oh, I #
# I swear #
# The world better prepare #
# For when I'm a billionaire #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah, I would have a show like Oprah #
# I would be the host of #
# Every day Christmas #
# Give Artie a wish list #
# I'll probably pull a Angelina and Brad Pitt #
# And adopt a bunch of babies that ain't never had it #
# Give away a few Mercedes like, "Here, lady, have this" #
# And last but not least, grant somebody their last wish #
# It's been a couple months that I been single, so #
# You can call me Artie Claus, minus the ho-ho #
# Ha-ha! Get it? I'll probably visit where Katrina hit #
# And darn sure do a lot more than FEMA did #
# Yeah, can't forget about me, stupid #
# Everywhere I go, I'm-a have my own theme music #
Sam Evans: # Oh, every time I close my eyes #
Artie Abrams: # Uh, what you see, what you see, bruh? #
Sam Evans: # I see my name in shining lights #
Artie Abrams: # Uh-huh, uh-huh, and what else? #
Sam Evans: # Oh, yeah #
# A different city every night #
# Oh, I, I swear #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Sam Evans: # World better prepare #
Artie Abrams: # For what? #
Sam Evans: # For when I'm a billionaire #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Oh! #
Sam Evans: # When I'm a billionaire #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Sing it! #
Sam Evans: # When I'm a billionaire #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Oh! #
Sam Evans: # I wanna be a billionaire #
# So freakin' bad. #
That-that was really cool!
Finn Hudson: Nice. So you think you can come back and do that in front of everybody?
Sam Evans: Sure.



Mercedes Jones: So, is that a men's sweater?
Kurt Hummel: Fashion has no gender.
Rachel Berry: Ladies, we have a problem. There's a new student at this school named Sunshine who is a Filipino and is shorter than me. Which I didn't think was possible and is very unnerving.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, so I'm gonna go now.
Rachel Berry: Wait! And... she has a remarkable voice. I'm just... I'm very worried. You know, not-not for myself, but for my lesser Glee Clubbers who don't get as many solos. So I've paid a hundred dollars to Azimio and Karofsky to brutally slushie us in front of Sunshine's locker, terrifying her and ensuring she doesn't sign up. Okay, so this is the part where you're supposed to be hugging me and thanking me.
Mercedes Jones: That's awful. You're awful.
Rachel Berry: But solos! I mean...
Kurt Hummel: Look, Rachel, Mercedes and I are about as self-involved as they come, but more than anything, we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline. And if there's someone at the school that can help us do that, they're in.
Rachel Berry: You know what? You're right. It's just... so like me to just be totally blinded by my concern for the two of you. I'll-I'll-I'll go talk to Sunshine now and just let her know how truly welcome she really is. Thanks.



Rachel Berry: Hi. So, here's the address for the audition tomorrow and helpful directions. Look forward to seeing you there.
Sunshine Corazon: Thanks.



Sue Sylvester: Beiste is on the move. Operation Mean Girl is a go. Move. Go! Disperse. Leave the Danish.
Shannon Beiste: Anyone sitting here?
Sue Sylvester: Yes. These seats are currently being occupied by my ghost friends.
Shannon Beiste: I beg your pardon?
Sue Sylvester: My ghost friends. Hideous, lonely faculty members who met with an early death from good old-fashioned schoolyard bullying. And you know why? They tried to cross me. So why don't you just keep on walking?
Shannon Beiste: Hi, Will. You... you mind if I sit here?
Will Schuester: Uh... sorry. Taken.
Shannon Beiste: How about there?
Will Schuester: Actually, they're all sort of taken. I am, uh, meeting with some... some science teachers.
Shannon Beiste: You think it's easy being a female football coach, being different? You think I don't get this everywhere I go? Everybody told me that Sue was the school bully and, uh... that you were really cool. I see they got that last part wrong, huh?



Noah Puckerman: So you know why Helen Keller couldn't drive, right?
Sam Evans: Why?
Noah Puckerman: 'Cause she was a woman. Coach Beiste? Are you crying?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. Saw your stats from last season, and it really hurt my feelings.
Finn Hudson: Hey, Coach, uh, this is Artie. He'd like to try out for the team.
Shannon Beiste: You screwing with me?
Finn Hudson: No, no. Absolutely not. Uh, see we figured that if I push him down the field fast enough, the centrifugal...
Artie Abrams: Centrifugal.
Finn Hudson: Centrifugal force.
Shannon Beiste: You're out.
Finn Hudson: Wait. What?!
Shannon Beiste: You're off the team, cut, out! You come in here, pushing a kid in a wheelchair, making me look like some kind of monster because I have to tell him he can't play?
Finn Hudson: No. No, that's not what was going on here. Artie?
Artie Abrams: I really want to play. I want my girlfriend back, and I want abs.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, he's like a human battering ram, like, like, Braveheart.
Shannon Beiste: You know what? I don't like being screwed with! Do you understand me?
Finn Hudson: Dude, you're totally overreacting.
Shannon Beiste: Dude? Get the hell out of my locker room! Go! Think this is some joke? Go!



Sue Sylvester: Next! No way. Get out.
Quinn Fabray: Coach Sylvester, please hear me out.
Sue Sylvester: Nope. I trusted you, and you let me down. I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.
Quinn Fabray: I understand you had your confetti cannons taken away. Well, I'll bet there are quite a few church groups who would gladly give money to a squad who helped rehabilitate a girl who got pregnant and now speaks out for abstinence education while wearing a Cheerios uniform.
Sue Sylvester: Next!
Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh, Coach.



Will Schuester: Wait. You're serious? Finn?
Sue Sylvester: My eyes are still burning.



Finn Hudson: I'm Finn Hudson, and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios!
Snap: # I've got the power #
# Power #
# I've got the power #
# Power #
Becky Jackson: Am I dreaming?
Snap: # I've got the power... #
Becky Jackson: Is this happening?



Will Schuester: But... why?



Finn Hudson: Coach Beiste kicked me off the football team. I'm not the quarterback anymore, which... means I'm nothing. I miss being popular.
Becky Jackson: This is really embarrassing.
Finn Hudson: I have really great leadership skills, and, uh, I'm athletic, so I could help with the lifts and stuff. I hope you'll consider me.



Will Schuester: Why would he get kicked off the football team? Finn was just trying to help out his handicapable friend!
Shannon Beiste: He was insubordinate twice. I'm the captain of the USS Kick Ass, not the USS Back Talk.
Finn Hudson: Please, Coach, don't do this to me. I need football. It's who I am.
Shannon Beiste: I thought you were the Glee guy. I mean, what with all the sign-up sheets you put in my locker room.
Will Schuester: Finn is a really good kid. Give him a chance to show you.
Shannon Beiste: You mean don't make a snap judgment about him? Don't make his life miserable because I assume he's a certain way?
Will Schuester: Okay, I get it. This is about me. I haven't been very welcoming, but please, please, don't take this out on Finn.
Shannon Beiste: Am I through here, Principal Figgins?
Principal Figgins: Mm-hmm.



Sue Sylvester: A little bird told me that someone spent her summer vacation getting a brand-new set of melons, even though you know I have a very strict no plastics policy in Cheerios! Care to comment?
Santana Lopez: I just...
Sue Sylvester: What would possess a person your age to get a boob job? You don't even know what your body's going to look like. It's an insult to nature and completely distracting. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm actually talking to them right now.
Santana Lopez: I wanted people to notice me more. I don't get what the big deal is.
Sue Sylvester: Well, the big deal is that a person who has to pump her nonnies full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self-esteem to be my head cheerleader. Quinn will replace you.
Santana Lopez: What did...?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office.



Santana Lopez: You did this to me. You told Coach Sylvester about my summer surgery!
Quinn Fabray: You have a surgery when you get your appendix out. You got a boob job.
Santana Lopez: Yup, sure did.
Quinn Fabray: You can't hit me.
Santana Lopez: Oh, sure I can, unless you got yourself knocked up again, slut.
Brittany S. Pierce: Stop the violence.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, what is this?!
Quinn Fabray: Stop it.
Will Schuester: What happened to us being a family? Hey.
Santana Lopez: Oh, please.
Quinn Fabray: Stop that.
Santana Lopez: She has a family. She's a mother.
Quinn Fabray: Walk away.
Will Schuester: Hey!
Quinn Fabray: And tighten up your pony before you get to class!



Rachel Berry: Well, hate to break it to you, but it doesn't look like anyone's gonna be joining us, so I think we should just call it a day.
Will Schuester: We said 3:00 to 5:00. It's only 4:58.
Finn Hudson: Just wait. My buddy Sam's gonna try out. He totally idolizes me.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, face it, Finn. You're no longer the quarterback. You're not the Pied Piper anymore. No one's gonna follow you around thinking everything you do is cool.
Mercedes Jones: What about that Sunshine girl? I thought you said she could sing.
Rachel Berry: I guess she didn't want to hang out with us losers.



Principal Figgins: Show us on the doll where Coach Beiste touched you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Here and here.
Shannon Beiste: This is outrageous.
Sue Sylvester: I'll say. Anyone who would prey on someone as sweet and simple as poor, poor Brittany deserves everything that's coming to her. I suggest immediate termination and entry into the statewide sex offender database.
Will Schuester: Sorry I'm late. What's going on?
Sue Sylvester: Brittany here has accused Coach Beiste of inappropriate touching.
Will Schuester: What?! Brittany, that's a serious accusation.
Sue Sylvester: It's very serious.
Will Schuester: Brittany, what you're saying could ruin somebody's life. It's really important that you tell the truth here.
Brittany S. Pierce: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.
Shannon Beiste: If you're all done wasting my time, I have a football team to coach.
Will Schuester: Coach...
Sue Sylvester: You're weak, Will!
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Mr. Schue? Can we talk to you? It's kind of important.



Will Schuester: Tell me this isn't true, Rachel.
Tina Cohen-Chang: She could have died.
Rachel Berry: I didn't send her to an active crack house. Besides, how did you guys find out anyways?
Mike Chang: The Asian community is very tight.
Will Schuester: I just don't get it. You're better than this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, she's an ambitious little freak who will do anything to hold on to her power.
Rachel Berry: I just... I... I love you guys so much. I was wrong before. I don't want any new members. I didn't want anyone coming in and-and messing up our group dynamic. Tina, Mike, I mean, what if Sunshine can dance? Then your contributions to Glee will be even more insignificant than they already are now. I did this for you guys.
Will Schuester: Whatever your motivations, you need to make this right, Rachel.



Rachel Berry: I'm sorry for sending you to that crack house.
Sunshine Corazon: They stole my sheet music and used it for toilet paper.
Rachel Berry: Look, I'll buy you a new set. You can just, um, come pick it up at the auditorium at 4:00 tomorrow.



Sunshine Corazon: Hi, I'm Sunshine Corazon, and I'll be singing "Listen" from the movie Dreamgirls.
Rachel Berry: Broadway show first.
Mike Chang: Shh...
Artie Abrams: Shut up.
Sunshine Corazon: # Listen #
# To the song here in my heart #
# A melody I start #
# But can't complete #
# Listen #
# To the sound from deep within #
# It's only beginning #
# To find release #
# Oh, the time has come #
# For my dreams to be heard #
# They will not be pushed aside and turned #
# Into your own #
# All 'cause you won't listen #
# Listen #
# I am alone at the crossroads #
# I'm not at home in my own home #
# And I've tried and tried #
# To say what's on my mind #
# You should have known #
# Oh, now I'm done believin' you #
# You don't know what I'm feelin' #
# I'm more than what you made of me #
# I followed the voice you gave to me #
# But now I gotta find my own #
# I don't know where I belong #
# But I'll be movin' on #
# If you don't #
# If you won't #
# Listen #
# To the song here in my heart #
# A melody I start #
# But I will complete #
# Oh #
# Now I'm done believin' you #
# You don't know what I'm feelin' #
# I'm more than what you made of me #
# I followed the voice you think you gave to me #
# But now I gotta find #
# My own... #
# My own. #
Mercedes Jones: Bravo!
Will Schuester: Wow. Um... Welcome to the Glee Club.
Sunshine Corazon: Thank you.



Will Schuester: Do you mind if I join you? Okay. Look, I really owe you an apology. I guess I kicked this year off thinking that all of us in the Glee Club weren't outcasts anymore, and I thought we'd be turning kids away. And then when no one signed up for the club, I realized that we were still at the bottom... outsiders. And that's how I made you feel. I'm sorry.
Shannon Beiste: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: William, Beiste, I wanted to make a peace offering with a batch of warm, homemade cookies.
Shannon Beiste: Oh, those smell like dog poop. Are those dog poop cookies?
Sue Sylvester: No, that's the flaxseed oil you're smelling. These are heart-healthy cookies for some of our burlier Americans.
Will Schuester: Sue, we're not going to do this anymore.
Sue Sylvester: Are you turning on me in public? The two of you are making a very serious mistake today, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.



Finn Hudson: Hey, man, uh, why didn't you show at the audition?
Sam Evans: I wanted to, I did, but after what Coach Beiste did to you... Do you know how everybody talks about you Glee guys?
Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah, you get used to all that.
Sam Evans: Finn, I'm, I'm the new guy. That means I'm already on the outside looking in. I don't want to start off three touchdowns behind. I got to go. Coach Beiste makes us do a hundred push-ups for every minute we're late, so...
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you made the team, that's cool. Uh, what position?
Sam Evans: Quarterback.



Will Schuester: Excuse me, Sunshine. Hi, I'd like to officially welcome you aboard and give you our Glee Club fall rehearsal schedule.
Dustin Goolsby: She won't be joining your Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Oh, are you her dad?
Dustin Goolsby: Her director. Dustin Goolsby, new coach of Vocal Adrenaline.
Sunshine Corazon: Oh, and they gave me and my mom a condo and a green card.
Will Schuester: How did you even find out about her?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, Will, I went ahead and made that phone call. Should have gone along with the poop cookies.
Sunshine Corazon: I actually would have stayed here, but I think Rachel would have made my life a living hell. I just didn't trust her after she sent me to a crack house. Not cool. It was nice to meet you.



Rachel Berry: What did they say?
Finn Hudson: Well, I talked 'em out of giving you a "code red." They were pissed, and they had the right to be. What you did was bad, Rachel. We could have used Sunshine to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now they're just that much stronger.
Rachel Berry: Just do it already.
Finn Hudson: What?
Rachel Berry: Break up with me. Okay, we both knew it was just a matter of time.
Finn Hudson: I think you're forgetting I'm not the quarterback anymore. I'm just another Glee loser now. Fact is, you should be breaking up with me.
Rachel Berry: I'll never break up with you.
Finn Hudson: Me, neither.
Rachel Berry: I did it for the team, you know. I just, I-I love everybody so much, I didn't want anyone else coming in and interfering.
Finn Hudson: You got to stop saying that, Rachel. I care about you and everything, but you got to admit the truth. You didn't do this because you love Glee Club. You did it because you love yourself more.
Rachel Berry: Okay. I didn't want anyone else hogging my spotlight. Okay, I love it too much to let it go that easy. Do you think that they'll ever forgive me?
Finn Hudson: They'll come around. I think apologizing would be a good start. Where are you going?
Rachel Berry: The auditorium. I just need some alone time first.
# Kiss today good-bye #
# The sweetness and the sorrow #
# Wish me luck #
# The same to you #
# But I can't regret #
# What I did for love #
# What I did for love #
# Look, my eyes #
# Are dry #
# The gift was ours #
# To borrow #
# Oh, it's as if we always #
# Knew #
# And I won't forget #
# What I did for love #
# What I did for love #
# Gone #
# Love is #
# Never gone #
# As we travel #
# On #
# Love's what we'll remember #
# Kiss today #
# Good-bye #
# And point me toward #
# Tomorrow #
# Oh, we did what #
# We had to do... #
# Oh, won't forget, can't regret #
# What I did for #
# Love #
# What I did for #
# Love #
# What I did #
# For #
# Love. #


Ian Brennan: So, here's what you missed last season on Glee. Quinn had a baby, Finn and Rachel are in love, Sue's going easy on Will, and even though the Glee Club worked really hard to get to Regionals, they didn't win.
Sue Sylvester: Vocal Adrenaline!
Ian Brennan: But it's okay to not win an award, particularly when you had so much fun getting there, right? Right?
Artie Abrams: We didn't even place.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Jacob Ben Israel: Up here. Come on, focus. Okay. Hi, I'm Jacob Ben Israel with Glee's Big Gay Summer, with all the Glee Club dish you're dying to know. Rachel, how do you respond to rumors you're incredibly difficult to work with?
Finn Hudson: Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that.
Rachel Berry: We've been dating all summer.
Finn Hudson: Rachel's what you'd call a controllist.
Rachel Berry: I-I'm controlling. "Controllist" isn't a word.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Rachel Berry: I'm controlling. Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee Clubbers?
Finn Hudson: Yes. That was out loud, wasn't it?



Jacob Ben Israel: Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your Glee Club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod?
Will Schuester: Well, I try to do something for everybody. Uh, 25% show tunes, 25% hip-hop, 25% classic rock...
Jacob Ben Israel: 100% gay.



Jacob Ben Israel: Confirm or deny the rumor that because you knocked up Quinn Fabray, you spent all your summer pool cleaning money on a vasectomy.
Noah Puckerman: It's true. It was the responsible thing to do.
Jacob Ben Israel: Is it also true you're suffering from a crippling depression because you're not over Miss Fabray?



Jacob Ben Israel: How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?
Quinn Fabray: Well, I'm happy to be back, and I'm ready to start fresh. And... I'm a lot less hormonal, so... so there's not really any crying.
Jacob Ben Israel: How was your summer?
Santana Lopez: My eyes are up here, JewFro. And it was uneventful.
Brittany S. Pierce: People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.



Jacob Ben Israel: What can you say about the rumors the two of you are dating?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Because we're both Asian? That's racist.
Mike Chang: Totally racist.
Jacob Ben Israel: Um. Did you get that? You saw it here first.



Jacob Ben Israel: Did you know there's a forum on my blog that's begging you to stop rapping?
Will Schuester: Wait, th-the kids don't like it when I rap?



Jacob Ben Israel: When will you Glee Clubbers accept the fact that people hate you and think you're nothing but a glorified karaoke club designed to make the inventors of AutoTune millions of dollars?
Kurt Hummel: Kiss it, Jacob. Go away, go away.



Jacob Ben Israel: When exactly did you ink your sponsorship with Lands' End?



Jacob Ben Israel: When are you slated to make your triumphant return to the Shire?



Jacob Ben Israel: How do you get the white on rice?



Jacob Ben Israel: What did you do with all that breast milk?



Kurt Hummel: You know what, Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log on to the Internet and start tearing people down, does it? But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something. So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say to my face.
Azimio Adams: Welcome back, lady!
Dave Karofsky: Whoo!
Kurt Hummel: I don't suppose there's any way you could just cut out that last part, is there?



Sue Sylvester: Hey, why so glum, William? Cat crap in your coffee? Or are you worried no one's signing up for your little club there?
Will Schuester: Nah, not at all, Sue. Nationals are in New York City this year. I think that list is gonna be filled up in no time.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you know what your problem is? "No tryouts, just sign up." Nobody wants to be part of a club that just anyone can join. See this? It's a court summons-- child endangerment-- 'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon, several others started worshipping a possum carcass as their lord. That's how much they want to be Cheerios.
Will Schuester: Well, sorry, Sue. Anyone who wants to join Glee Club gets to join.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, God, Will, let me break it down for you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions. Not everyone should be champions. We need fry cooks and bus drivers.
Will Schuester: Well, Sue, it's how I work, and it's not going to change.
Sue Sylvester: I like being friends with you, Will. This is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it all by yourself. Oh, it's time to feed my gimp. Oh, and also, Figgins wants to see us. Ah-ah-ah! Not you! Hands off that list.



Sue Sylvester: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the President of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Principal Figgins: Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.
Sue Sylvester: Do you think your kids can manage life without their daddy?
Will Schuester: We're barely surviving on the budget we have. Slashing the Glee budget by ten percent, cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.
Principal Figgins: Sacrifices must be made.
Shannon Beiste: This is being mandated at the district level, guys. Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations is through a successful athletic department-- specifically, a winning football team.
Sue Sylvester: Who's this?
Shannon Beiste: I'm Shannon Beiste; I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?
Principal Figgins: Nervous breakdown. Don't look at it as a punishment, look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures. The more money the football program brings in, the more I can give back to you guys! Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive all-Missouri high school football championship. We're very lucky to have her!
Shannon Beiste: What can I say? I like a challenge.
Sue Sylvester: First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse-- sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to Hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles. But you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.
Shannon Beiste: Do not get up in a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.
Sue Sylvester: That doesn't make any sense.
Will Schuester: Coach, uh, Beiste, I-I think you understand our frustration. Our budgets just got cut by ten percent.
Shannon Beiste: It should have been more! You think there's not something wrong when the cheerleaders' budget's higher than the people who they're cheering for?
Will Schuester: Well, sure, but the Glee Club is a...
Shannon Beiste: The Glee Club? You came in third last year and you're asking for more money? That's a steer with six teats and no oink.
Sue Sylvester: This doesn't make any sense.
Will Schuester: What?



Will Schuester: These are comments from Jacob Ben-Israel's most recent Glee Club blog. "Glee is a giant ball of suck."
Kurt Hummel: We get it, Mr. Schue. Everyone still hates us. So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain? Only difference now is that none of us really care.
Mercedes Jones: Kurt's right. We're a family. They can bring it all they want. None of it is going to break us.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm really happy that you guys have all bonded. The problem is that all of this negative stuff is keeping other students from auditioning.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Good. Why do we need new members?
Will Schuester: Well, since Matt transferred, we only have 11 members, and if we want to go to Nationals, if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. You didn't see Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals. They were epic. We're going to need more voices in order to beat them.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I'm with Rachel on this one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Gross.
Will Schuester: You're going to have to trust me on this, guys. Now, here's the plan. Nationals are in New York this year, and we are going. Now let's go out there and show the school how cool it's going to be, how cool we can be. If they're not going to come to us, let's go to them. They say we only sing show tunes and '80s pop. Let's show them how down we are. Let's give them the song of the year, New Directions style.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Whoo! Whoo!
Mike Chang: Yeah!



Boys of ND: # Bum bum bum #
Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah #
Boys of ND: # Bum bum bum #
Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah, yeah, I'm out that Brooklyn #
# Now I'm down in Tribeca #
# Right next to DeNiro, but I'll be hood forever #
# I'm the new Sinatra #
# And since I made it here, I can make it anywhere #
# Yeah, they love me everywhere #
Finn Hudson: # I used to cop in Harlem #
# All of my Dominicanos #
# Right there up on Broadway #
# Pull me back to that McDonald's #
# Took it to my stash box, 560 State Street #
# Catch me in the kitchen like a Simmons whippin' pastries #
Mercedes Jones: # Aah, ooh #
Noah Puckerman: # Eight million stories #
# Out there in it naked #
# City, it's a pity #
# Half of y'all won't make it #
# Me, I got a plug, Special Ed "I Got It Made" #
# If Jesus payin' LeBron, I'm payin' Dwyane Wade #
Mercedes Jones: # Aah #
Noah Puckerman: # Three dice cee-lo, three card monte #
# Labor Day Parade, rest in peace, Bob Marley #
# Jigga I be Spik'd out #
# I could trip a referee #
# Tell by my attitude that I'm most definitely from #
New Directions: # New York #
Noah Puckerman: # Hey #
New Directions: # Concrete jungle where dreams are made of #
# There's nothin' you can't do #
Noah Puckerman: # That Brooklyn #
New Directions: # Now you're in New York #
Mercedes Jones: # You're in New York #
Noah Puckerman: # Welcome to the bright lights, baby #
New Directions: # These streets will make you feel brand new #
# Big lights will inspire you #
# Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York #
Rachel Berry: # Yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # One hand in the air for the big city #
# Street lights, big dreams, all lookin' pretty #
# No place in the world that could compare #
# Put your lighters in the air #
Boys of ND: # Everybody say "Yeah, yeah" #
New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #
# In New York #
# Concrete jungle where dreams are made of #
# There's nothing you can't do #
# Now you're in New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, New York #
New Directions: # These streets will make you feel brand new #
Mercedes Jones: # Brand new #
New Directions: # Big lights will inspire you #
# Let's hear it for New York #
# New York, New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, New York #
Girls of ND: # Bah bah bah bah bah #
# Bah bah bah. #



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sue Sylvester: Sure, buddy. You look steamed.
Will Schuester: Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club was all about. And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet. "Buttface McBallnuts." "Ass-braham Lin-colon." They're not even funny!
Sue Sylvester: Now, don't be rude, William. I put a lot of thought into those. Consider this a wakeup call. You're worried about getting new recruits? Well, if Beiste get her way and our budgets are slashed, you'll be cutting kids left and right.
Will Schuester: You're right. I hadn't thought about that.
Sue Sylvester: Beiste needs to be stopped, and I need your help to topple her. You in?
Will Schuester: I'm in.



Finn Hudson: I was really excited about my Glee Club recruit poster design. I made it super masculine, just like these pamphlets I saw some Army guys passing out at a daycare center. Then, I heard something...
Sam Evans: # We both lie silent and still in the dead of the night #
# Although we lie close together #
# I feel like we're miles apart... #
Finn Hudson: It was this new transfer kid. I saw him tapping his foot when we busted it out in the courtyard the day before...
Sam Evans: # Every rose has its thorn #
# Just like every night has its dawn #
Finn Hudson: I would've joined in with a kick-ass harmony, but the dude was naked.
Sam Evans: # Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song... #



Rachel Berry: Oh, hello! I couldn't help but notice you admiring me yesterday in the courtyard.
Sunshine Corazon: Um, what?
Rachel Berry: Oh, you don't speak English. You like me sing! You like me sing very much!
Sunshine Corazon: Um, I totally speak English.
Rachel Berry: I even did a little research on you. You're a foreign exchange student named Sunshine Corazon because you're from the Philippines, where it's sunny every day.
Sunshine Corazon: Except for the monsoons.
Rachel Berry: Listen, Sunshine, we need chorus members; people to stand behind me and stare at me with wet, moved eyes while I sing solos. So I encourage you to audition for Glee Club! Glee Club is fun! Swaying in background can be fun!
Sunshine Corazon: Thank you.
Rachel Berry: Okay.
Sunshine Corazon: # Hello, hello, baby, you called, I can't hear a thing #
# I have got no service in the club, you say, say? #
# Wha-wha-what did you say? Oh, you're breaking up on me #
# Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy #
Rachel Berry: # K-kinda busy #
Sunshine Corazon: # K-kinda busy #
Rachel & Sunshine: # Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy #
Rachel Berry: # Just a second, it's my favorite song # They're gonna play #
# And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh? #
# You shoulda made some plans with me #
# You knew that I was free #
# And now you won't stop calling me, I'm kinda busy #
Sunshine Corazon: # Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna think anymore! #
Rachel Berry: # I left my head and my heart on the dance floor #
Sunshine Corazon: # Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna talk anymore! #
Rachel Berry: # I left my head and my heart on the dance floor #
# Stop telephoning me! #
# Stop telephoning me #
# I'm being... #
Sue Sylvester: Shut up!
Sunshine Corazon: Um. That was fun. I'd love to join your club. When are auditions?
Rachel Berry: Let me get back to you on that one. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?
Sunshine Corazon: Okay.



Finn Hudson: We're trying to recruit new members for Glee Club.
Shannon Beiste: The Panther isn't cool with anything except doing exactly what she says without question. That's how you win. Now, first things first. You're all cut. Everyone starts fresh with me. Tryouts start... right now. Any questions?
Pizza Guy: I got 25 everything pies for a Coach... Beiste?
Shannon Beiste: I didn't order any pizzas.
Will Schuester: Isn't this kind of immature?
Sue Sylvester: No, it's downright childish. But I know gals like Beiste. Oh, her high school life must have been miserable. She's oversized, humorless, refers to herself in the third person as an animal. This kind of abuse and teasing will bring back all those childhood memories. She'll be shaken to her core. Humiliated and devastated. She'll have no choice but to quit her job, and our budgets will be restored.
Will Schuester: Yes!
Pizza Guy: The boss says, uh, if you don't pay for 'em, I have to. Which means we have to reuse my kid's Pampers. For another week.
Shannon Beiste: Hand 'em out, Wayne Newton. All right, guys, it's a pizza party. Dig in. Everybody has to eat at least four slices. Let's go! And when you're done, full pads out on the field. We're doing wind sprints. And the first ten to puke are off the team. Hey, guys, um, there's pizza in there, if you want some.
Sue Sylvester: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Thank you.



Artie Abrams: I figured that if Kurt's gay and he can do it, then why can't I?
Finn Hudson: Being gay isn't a handicap, Artie. How can you play football in a wheelchair, anyway?
Artie Abrams: I have to get on that team, Finn.
Finn Hudson: Dude, what's this about?
Artie Abrams: Tina. She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at... Asian Camp.



Artie Abrams: They were counselors, in charge of teaching all those tech-savvy Asian kids about the arts.
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Getting to know all about you #
# Getting to like you... #



Finn Hudson: So, what did Tina say when she broke up with you?



Tina Cohen-Chang: I think you're great, Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend. You ignored me for weeks this summer.
Artie Abrams: I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman.
Tina Cohen-Chang: And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.



Finn Hudson: Dude, I'm sympathetic for you; I just don't see you on the football team.
Artie Abrams: Imagine you were pushing me in this big hunk of metal down the field at full speed. The centrifugal force would be too much to stop. I'd be like a medieval battering ram.
Finn Hudson: Dude, you'd be like a human cannonball. That would be awesome!
Artie Abrams: So you'll help?
Finn Hudson: Sure. But you got to help me first. Hey, Sam. My name's Finn. This here is Artie.
Sam Evans: Yeah, I know who you are. You're the... the quarterback.
Finn Hudson: Exactly-- which makes me very cool. And we'd like to talk to you about Glee Club.



Finn Hudson: So, Sam, tell us about yourself.
Sam Evans: My name's Sam Evans. I like comic books, sports. I'm dyslexic, so my grades aren't that good, but... I'm working on it.
Noah Puckerman: Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?
Sam Evans: I don't... know. I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?
Finn Hudson: I like this kid.
Artie Abrams: I like his confidence, but the Bieber cut's gotta go.
Finn Hudson: Mm-hmm.
Noah Puckerman: So, can you sing with that big mouth?
Sam Evans: I've never really sung in front of anybody before.
Noah Puckerman: Dude, let me tell you, chicks dig singers.
Finn Hudson: Well, give it a shot. We'll back you up, I promise. What song you got in your back pocket?
Sam Evans: Um... "Billionaire"?
# I wanna be a billionaire #
# So freakin' bad #
# Buy all of the things I never had #
# I wanna be on the cover of #
# Forbes magazine #
# Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen #
# Oh, every time I close #
# My eyes #
# I see my name in shining lights #
# Yeah #
# A different city every night #
# Oh, I #
# I swear #
# The world better prepare #
# For when I'm a billionaire #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah, I would have a show like Oprah #
# I would be the host of #
# Every day Christmas #
# Give Artie a wish list #
# I'll probably pull a Angelina and Brad Pitt #
# And adopt a bunch of babies that ain't never had it #
# Give away a few Mercedes like, "Here, lady, have this" #
# And last but not least, grant somebody their last wish #
# It's been a couple months that I been single, so #
# You can call me Artie Claus, minus the ho-ho #
# Ha-ha! Get it? I'll probably visit where Katrina hit #
# And darn sure do a lot more than FEMA did #
# Yeah, can't forget about me, stupid #
# Everywhere I go, I'm-a have my own theme music #
Sam Evans: # Oh, every time I close my eyes #
Artie Abrams: # Uh, what you see, what you see, bruh? #
Sam Evans: # I see my name in shining lights #
Artie Abrams: # Uh-huh, uh-huh, and what else? #
Sam Evans: # Oh, yeah #
# A different city every night #
# Oh, I, I swear #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Sam Evans: # World better prepare #
Artie Abrams: # For what? #
Sam Evans: # For when I'm a billionaire #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Oh! #
Sam Evans: # When I'm a billionaire #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Sing it! #
Sam Evans: # When I'm a billionaire #
Boys of ND: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Artie Abrams: # Oh! #
Sam Evans: # I wanna be a billionaire #
# So freakin' bad. #
That-that was really cool!
Finn Hudson: Nice. So you think you can come back and do that in front of everybody?
Sam Evans: Sure.



Mercedes Jones: So, is that a men's sweater?
Kurt Hummel: Fashion has no gender.
Rachel Berry: Ladies, we have a problem. There's a new student at this school named Sunshine who is a Filipino and is shorter than me. Which I didn't think was possible and is very unnerving.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, so I'm gonna go now.
Rachel Berry: Wait! And... she has a remarkable voice. I'm just... I'm very worried. You know, not-not for myself, but for my lesser Glee Clubbers who don't get as many solos. So I've paid a hundred dollars to Azimio and Karofsky to brutally slushie us in front of Sunshine's locker, terrifying her and ensuring she doesn't sign up. Okay, so this is the part where you're supposed to be hugging me and thanking me.
Mercedes Jones: That's awful. You're awful.
Rachel Berry: But solos! I mean...
Kurt Hummel: Look, Rachel, Mercedes and I are about as self-involved as they come, but more than anything, we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline. And if there's someone at the school that can help us do that, they're in.
Rachel Berry: You know what? You're right. It's just... so like me to just be totally blinded by my concern for the two of you. I'll-I'll-I'll go talk to Sunshine now and just let her know how truly welcome she really is. Thanks.



Rachel Berry: Hi. So, here's the address for the audition tomorrow and helpful directions. Look forward to seeing you there.
Sunshine Corazon: Thanks.



Sue Sylvester: Beiste is on the move. Operation Mean Girl is a go. Move. Go! Disperse. Leave the Danish.
Shannon Beiste: Anyone sitting here?
Sue Sylvester: Yes. These seats are currently being occupied by my ghost friends.
Shannon Beiste: I beg your pardon?
Sue Sylvester: My ghost friends. Hideous, lonely faculty members who met with an early death from good old-fashioned schoolyard bullying. And you know why? They tried to cross me. So why don't you just keep on walking?
Shannon Beiste: Hi, Will. You... you mind if I sit here?
Will Schuester: Uh... sorry. Taken.
Shannon Beiste: How about there?
Will Schuester: Actually, they're all sort of taken. I am, uh, meeting with some... some science teachers.
Shannon Beiste: You think it's easy being a female football coach, being different? You think I don't get this everywhere I go? Everybody told me that Sue was the school bully and, uh... that you were really cool. I see they got that last part wrong, huh?



Noah Puckerman: So you know why Helen Keller couldn't drive, right?
Sam Evans: Why?
Noah Puckerman: 'Cause she was a woman. Coach Beiste? Are you crying?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. Saw your stats from last season, and it really hurt my feelings.
Finn Hudson: Hey, Coach, uh, this is Artie. He'd like to try out for the team.
Shannon Beiste: You screwing with me?
Finn Hudson: No, no. Absolutely not. Uh, see we figured that if I push him down the field fast enough, the centrifugal...
Artie Abrams: Centrifugal.
Finn Hudson: Centrifugal force.
Shannon Beiste: You're out.
Finn Hudson: Wait. What?!
Shannon Beiste: You're off the team, cut, out! You come in here, pushing a kid in a wheelchair, making me look like some kind of monster because I have to tell him he can't play?
Finn Hudson: No. No, that's not what was going on here. Artie?
Artie Abrams: I really want to play. I want my girlfriend back, and I want abs.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, he's like a human battering ram, like, like, Braveheart.
Shannon Beiste: You know what? I don't like being screwed with! Do you understand me?
Finn Hudson: Dude, you're totally overreacting.
Shannon Beiste: Dude? Get the hell out of my locker room! Go! Think this is some joke? Go!



Sue Sylvester: Next! No way. Get out.
Quinn Fabray: Coach Sylvester, please hear me out.
Sue Sylvester: Nope. I trusted you, and you let me down. I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.
Quinn Fabray: I understand you had your confetti cannons taken away. Well, I'll bet there are quite a few church groups who would gladly give money to a squad who helped rehabilitate a girl who got pregnant and now speaks out for abstinence education while wearing a Cheerios uniform.
Sue Sylvester: Next!
Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh, Coach.



Will Schuester: Wait. You're serious? Finn?
Sue Sylvester: My eyes are still burning.



Finn Hudson: I'm Finn Hudson, and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios!
Snap: # I've got the power #
# Power #
# I've got the power #
# Power #
Becky Jackson: Am I dreaming?
Snap: # I've got the power... #
Becky Jackson: Is this happening?



Will Schuester: But... why?



Finn Hudson: Coach Beiste kicked me off the football team. I'm not the quarterback anymore, which... means I'm nothing. I miss being popular.
Becky Jackson: This is really embarrassing.
Finn Hudson: I have really great leadership skills, and, uh, I'm athletic, so I could help with the lifts and stuff. I hope you'll consider me.



Will Schuester: Why would he get kicked off the football team? Finn was just trying to help out his handicapable friend!
Shannon Beiste: He was insubordinate twice. I'm the captain of the USS Kick Ass, not the USS Back Talk.
Finn Hudson: Please, Coach, don't do this to me. I need football. It's who I am.
Shannon Beiste: I thought you were the Glee guy. I mean, what with all the sign-up sheets you put in my locker room.
Will Schuester: Finn is a really good kid. Give him a chance to show you.
Shannon Beiste: You mean don't make a snap judgment about him? Don't make his life miserable because I assume he's a certain way?
Will Schuester: Okay, I get it. This is about me. I haven't been very welcoming, but please, please, don't take this out on Finn.
Shannon Beiste: Am I through here, Principal Figgins?
Principal Figgins: Mm-hmm.



Sue Sylvester: A little bird told me that someone spent her summer vacation getting a brand-new set of melons, even though you know I have a very strict no plastics policy in Cheerios! Care to comment?
Santana Lopez: I just...
Sue Sylvester: What would possess a person your age to get a boob job? You don't even know what your body's going to look like. It's an insult to nature and completely distracting. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm actually talking to them right now.
Santana Lopez: I wanted people to notice me more. I don't get what the big deal is.
Sue Sylvester: Well, the big deal is that a person who has to pump her nonnies full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self-esteem to be my head cheerleader. Quinn will replace you.
Santana Lopez: What did...?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office.



Santana Lopez: You did this to me. You told Coach Sylvester about my summer surgery!
Quinn Fabray: You have a surgery when you get your appendix out. You got a boob job.
Santana Lopez: Yup, sure did.
Quinn Fabray: You can't hit me.
Santana Lopez: Oh, sure I can, unless you got yourself knocked up again, slut.
Brittany S. Pierce: Stop the violence.
Will Schuester: Hey, hey, what is this?!
Quinn Fabray: Stop it.
Will Schuester: What happened to us being a family? Hey.
Santana Lopez: Oh, please.
Quinn Fabray: Stop that.
Santana Lopez: She has a family. She's a mother.
Quinn Fabray: Walk away.
Will Schuester: Hey!
Quinn Fabray: And tighten up your pony before you get to class!



Rachel Berry: Well, hate to break it to you, but it doesn't look like anyone's gonna be joining us, so I think we should just call it a day.
Will Schuester: We said 3:00 to 5:00. It's only 4:58.
Finn Hudson: Just wait. My buddy Sam's gonna try out. He totally idolizes me.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, face it, Finn. You're no longer the quarterback. You're not the Pied Piper anymore. No one's gonna follow you around thinking everything you do is cool.
Mercedes Jones: What about that Sunshine girl? I thought you said she could sing.
Rachel Berry: I guess she didn't want to hang out with us losers.



Principal Figgins: Show us on the doll where Coach Beiste touched you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Here and here.
Shannon Beiste: This is outrageous.
Sue Sylvester: I'll say. Anyone who would prey on someone as sweet and simple as poor, poor Brittany deserves everything that's coming to her. I suggest immediate termination and entry into the statewide sex offender database.
Will Schuester: Sorry I'm late. What's going on?
Sue Sylvester: Brittany here has accused Coach Beiste of inappropriate touching.
Will Schuester: What?! Brittany, that's a serious accusation.
Sue Sylvester: It's very serious.
Will Schuester: Brittany, what you're saying could ruin somebody's life. It's really important that you tell the truth here.
Brittany S. Pierce: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.
Shannon Beiste: If you're all done wasting my time, I have a football team to coach.
Will Schuester: Coach...
Sue Sylvester: You're weak, Will!
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Mr. Schue? Can we talk to you? It's kind of important.



Will Schuester: Tell me this isn't true, Rachel.
Tina Cohen-Chang: She could have died.
Rachel Berry: I didn't send her to an active crack house. Besides, how did you guys find out anyways?
Mike Chang: The Asian community is very tight.
Will Schuester: I just don't get it. You're better than this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, she's an ambitious little freak who will do anything to hold on to her power.
Rachel Berry: I just... I... I love you guys so much. I was wrong before. I don't want any new members. I didn't want anyone coming in and-and messing up our group dynamic. Tina, Mike, I mean, what if Sunshine can dance? Then your contributions to Glee will be even more insignificant than they already are now. I did this for you guys.
Will Schuester: Whatever your motivations, you need to make this right, Rachel.



Rachel Berry: I'm sorry for sending you to that crack house.
Sunshine Corazon: They stole my sheet music and used it for toilet paper.
Rachel Berry: Look, I'll buy you a new set. You can just, um, come pick it up at the auditorium at 4:00 tomorrow.



Sunshine Corazon: Hi, I'm Sunshine Corazon, and I'll be singing "Listen" from the movie Dreamgirls.
Rachel Berry: Broadway show first.
Mike Chang: Shh...
Artie Abrams: Shut up.
Sunshine Corazon: # Listen #
# To the song here in my heart #
# A melody I start #
# But can't complete #
# Listen #
# To the sound from deep within #
# It's only beginning #
# To find release #
# Oh, the time has come #
# For my dreams to be heard #
# They will not be pushed aside and turned #
# Into your own #
# All 'cause you won't listen #
# Listen #
# I am alone at the crossroads #
# I'm not at home in my own home #
# And I've tried and tried #
# To say what's on my mind #
# You should have known #
# Oh, now I'm done believin' you #
# You don't know what I'm feelin' #
# I'm more than what you made of me #
# I followed the voice you gave to me #
# But now I gotta find my own #
# I don't know where I belong #
# But I'll be movin' on #
# If you don't #
# If you won't #
# Listen #
# To the song here in my heart #
# A melody I start #
# But I will complete #
# Oh #
# Now I'm done believin' you #
# You don't know what I'm feelin' #
# I'm more than what you made of me #
# I followed the voice you think you gave to me #
# But now I gotta find #
# My own... #
# My own. #
Mercedes Jones: Bravo!
Will Schuester: Wow. Um... Welcome to the Glee Club.
Sunshine Corazon: Thank you.



Will Schuester: Do you mind if I join you? Okay. Look, I really owe you an apology. I guess I kicked this year off thinking that all of us in the Glee Club weren't outcasts anymore, and I thought we'd be turning kids away. And then when no one signed up for the club, I realized that we were still at the bottom... outsiders. And that's how I made you feel. I'm sorry.
Shannon Beiste: Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: William, Beiste, I wanted to make a peace offering with a batch of warm, homemade cookies.
Shannon Beiste: Oh, those smell like dog poop. Are those dog poop cookies?
Sue Sylvester: No, that's the flaxseed oil you're smelling. These are heart-healthy cookies for some of our burlier Americans.
Will Schuester: Sue, we're not going to do this anymore.
Sue Sylvester: Are you turning on me in public? The two of you are making a very serious mistake today, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.



Finn Hudson: Hey, man, uh, why didn't you show at the audition?
Sam Evans: I wanted to, I did, but after what Coach Beiste did to you... Do you know how everybody talks about you Glee guys?
Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah, you get used to all that.
Sam Evans: Finn, I'm, I'm the new guy. That means I'm already on the outside looking in. I don't want to start off three touchdowns behind. I got to go. Coach Beiste makes us do a hundred push-ups for every minute we're late, so...
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you made the team, that's cool. Uh, what position?
Sam Evans: Quarterback.



Will Schuester: Excuse me, Sunshine. Hi, I'd like to officially welcome you aboard and give you our Glee Club fall rehearsal schedule.
Dustin Goolsby: She won't be joining your Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Oh, are you her dad?
Dustin Goolsby: Her director. Dustin Goolsby, new coach of Vocal Adrenaline.
Sunshine Corazon: Oh, and they gave me and my mom a condo and a green card.
Will Schuester: How did you even find out about her?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, Will, I went ahead and made that phone call. Should have gone along with the poop cookies.
Sunshine Corazon: I actually would have stayed here, but I think Rachel would have made my life a living hell. I just didn't trust her after she sent me to a crack house. Not cool. It was nice to meet you.



Rachel Berry: What did they say?
Finn Hudson: Well, I talked 'em out of giving you a "code red." They were pissed, and they had the right to be. What you did was bad, Rachel. We could have used Sunshine to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now they're just that much stronger.
Rachel Berry: Just do it already.
Finn Hudson: What?
Rachel Berry: Break up with me. Okay, we both knew it was just a matter of time.
Finn Hudson: I think you're forgetting I'm not the quarterback anymore. I'm just another Glee loser now. Fact is, you should be breaking up with me.
Rachel Berry: I'll never break up with you.
Finn Hudson: Me, neither.
Rachel Berry: I did it for the team, you know. I just, I-I love everybody so much, I didn't want anyone else coming in and interfering.
Finn Hudson: You got to stop saying that, Rachel. I care about you and everything, but you got to admit the truth. You didn't do this because you love Glee Club. You did it because you love yourself more.
Rachel Berry: Okay. I didn't want anyone else hogging my spotlight. Okay, I love it too much to let it go that easy. Do you think that they'll ever forgive me?
Finn Hudson: They'll come around. I think apologizing would be a good start. Where are you going?
Rachel Berry: The auditorium. I just need some alone time first.
# Kiss today good-bye #
# The sweetness and the sorrow #
# Wish me luck #
# The same to you #
# But I can't regret #
# What I did for love #
# What I did for love #
# Look, my eyes #
# Are dry #
# The gift was ours #
# To borrow #
# Oh, it's as if we always #
# Knew #
# And I won't forget #
# What I did for love #
# What I did for love #
# Gone #
# Love is #
# Never gone #
# As we travel #
# On #
# Love's what we'll remember #
# Kiss today #
# Good-bye #
# And point me toward #
# Tomorrow #
# Oh, we did what #
# We had to do... #
# Oh, won't forget, can't regret #
# What I did for #
# Love #
# What I did for #
# Love #
# What I did #
# For #
# Love. #
外部リンク
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記載日

 2011年12月30日

更新日

 2012年1月15日