Glee

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Brittany out of a cannon, but it wasn't safe, so Brittany, Santana and Quinn quit the Cheerios.

Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.

Ian Brennan: Now we get to see what they look like in street clothes. Finn broke up with Rachel because she made out with Puck, but then Quinn kissed Finn after the big game, even though she's been dating Sam. Yikes! It used to be a love triangle, and now it's, like, a Pentagon. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Noah Puckerman: We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but there are two lessons I learned the hard way. One: never punch a cop. The other one: you can't choose love. Love chooses you. I mean, I could have any girl I wanted, but here I am, in the middle of geometry or English or something, and the only girl I've got my eye on is a whole lot of woman.

Noah Puckerman: I owe it all to Sectionals. We needed a 12th member, and I told her if she joined the Glee Club, I'd give her seven minutes in heaven. But what went down in that janitor's closet was epic.

Lauren Zizes: You're really not good at this, and you're kind of scrawny.

Noah Puckerman: You got to be kidding me.

Lauren Zizes: Yeah, you're not turning me on at all. Later, sad sack.

Noah Puckerman: But that was only three minutes.

Lauren Zizes: Three minutes I'll never get back.

Noah Puckerman: Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me, like my mom. Maybe I just dig a chick with curves, but it's almost Valentine's Day, and it's official.

Lauren Zizes: Stare at me again, and I'll break your nuts. Also, these candies you gave me? They sucked.

Noah Puckerman: But you ate all of them.

Lauren Zizes: I had to make sure they all sucked.

Noah Puckerman: I'm in love with Lauren Zizes.

Finn Hudson: It's amazing what actually accomplishing something does to a person. I know what you're thinking- that they're all only into me because I won the first Conference Championship in this school's history, but I've changed. I'm walking taller, carrying a bigger stick and using it to fight off the ladies.

Becky Jackson: I love you, Finny-bear.

Finn Hudson: Thanks, Becky. Oh.

Becky Jackson: Be my Valentine?

Finn Hudson: Awesome. I'll keep you posted.

Becky Jackson: Copy that.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I've been collecting a lot of hearts lately. Only question is, which one to choose. Bingo. I just need to go for this. Maybe the reason it never worked out with Rachel was because I was never over Quinn. I know I can pry her away from Sam if I can get her to kiss me again. The ridiculous thing is that I could get every girl in this school to kiss me but her. Game on.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, I'm all for flair, but these Valentine Day decorations are just tacky. I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be?

Blaine Anderson: It's clearly puppy love. It's cute. Come on.

Kurt Hummel: Ooh.

Plushie: I love you!

Kurt Hummel: Oh, this is creepy.

Blaine Anderson: Adorable.

Kurt Hummel: It's a simple excuse to sell candy and greeting cards on a holiday.

Blaine Anderson: Not true. People have been celebrating Valentine's Day for centuries. And call me a hopeless romantic, but it's my favorite holiday.

Kurt Hummel: Really?

Blaine Anderson: I think there's something really great about a day where you're encouraged to just lay it all on the line and say to somebody, "I'm in love with you." You know? And this year, I want to do something really radical, so I need your opinion on this. Well, there's this guy that I sort of... like, and I've only known him for a little while, but I want to tell him that I think my feelings are starting to change into something... deeper. So I have to ask. Do you think it's too much to sing to somebody on Valentine's Day?

Kurt Hummel: Not at all.

Barista: What can I get you?

Blaine Anderson: Uh, a medium drip, and a grande nonfat mocha for this guy, and maybe I can get him to split one of those Cupid cookies.

Kurt Hummel: You know my coffee order?

Blaine Anderson: Of course I do.

Barista: That'll be $8.40.

Blaine Anderson: Don't even bother, dummy. It's on me. Keep the change.

Kurt Hummel: I do believe I have a new favorite holiday.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, I have one word for you. Brittany.

Brittany S. Pierce: Is it "love"? I'm totally going to graduate now.

Will Schuester: Valentine's Day is coming up, so for this week's lesson, I want you guys to pick a partner, because you're going to sing to them what you think is the world's greatest love song. Yeah, find a song that communicates all the things that love means to you. Now, partner up.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, can I say something? I just wanted to point out that for the first time, an entire week has gone by without any one of us getting slushied. I think the fact that I led the football team to a Conference Championship might have something to do with it. Fact is that I'm the closest thing that this Glee Club has to a celebrity right now. And just like a famous athlete, I want to give to a charity. You guys. So, I'm setting up a kissing booth for a dollar a smooch, and donating the proceeds to Glee Club to help us...

Mercedes Jones: Don't even act like you're trying to help this Glee Club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls.

Santana Lopez: I've kissed Finn, and can I just say? Not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man-boobs.

Finn Hudson: Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down?

Santana Lopez: No, not really.

Finn Hudson: 'Cause you always just seem to do be meddling in everybody else's business.

Santana Lopez: Oh, please. You guys love me. I keep it real, and I'm hilarious.

Lauren Zizes: Actually, you're just a bitch.

Will Schuester: Whoa!

Santana Lopez: Okay. I'm sorry. You've just got eyes for my man.

Noah Puckerman: Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.

Quinn Fabray: And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged in a 12-step program.

Will Schuester: Wait. What?

Santana Lopez: You're addicted to vests.

Rachel Berry: The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical version of Willow, but the only job you're going to have is working on a pole.

Santana Lopez: Fine.

Will Schuester: Santana...

Brittany S. Pierce: Maybe try rocking back and forth. People do that in movies.

Santana Lopez: No. 'Cause I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck, you know?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.

Santana Lopez: No one gets it.

Lauren Zizes: I suppose you want me to thank you for sticking up for me today, except that makes it seem like I need somebody to stick up for me, so...

Noah Puckerman: Oh, no, no. Trust me. I- I know you don't need me to stick up for you. I mean, you're all kinds of tough. And...

Lauren Zizes: Mm, it's true.

Noah Puckerman: How about you let me take you to Breadstix for Valentine's Day?

Lauren Zizes: Do you seriously think it's that easy? I'm not desperate, so if you really want this, you best come correct. Because I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S, and I need to be wooed, you understand me? Wooed.

Noah Puckerman: Damn.

Blaine Anderson: Hey. What you doing?

Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Just, uh, daydreaming, plotting weekend outfits.

Blaine Anderson: Well, come on. You're going to want to see this. I've called an emergency meeting of the Warblers' Council.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, sounds serious.

Blaine Anderson: Let's hope not. I just need to ask them a tiny little favor.

Wesley Montgomery: This emergency meeting is called to order. Junior member Blaine Anderson, the floor is yours.

Blaine Anderson: Esteemed council, I'll be brief. Simply put... I'm in love.

The Warblers: Ooh!

David Thompson: Congrats.

Blaine Anderson: I'm not really good at talking about my feelings. I'm much better at singing them. But still, I could use a little help. Which is why I'm asking to enlist the Warblers to help serenade this individual in song off-campus.

The Warblers: What? What?! Off-campus?! Are you serious? Did I hear you right?

Blaine Anderson: I- I know what I'm asking is slightly unusual.

Wesley Montgomery: The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927, when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu rendition of "Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy."

David Thompson: Why would we even consider what you're asking?

Blaine Anderson: I firmly believe that our reticence to perform in public nearly cost us a trip to Regionals. We're becoming privileged, porcelain birds perched on a... on a gilded shelf.

Thad Harwood: You mock us, sir.

Wesley Montgomery: Thad, David? I will have order.

Kurt Hummel: May I please say something? With respect, I believe Blaine has a point. The Warblers are so concerned with image and tradition that sometimes I feel like we miss out on opportunities to step outside our comfort zones. When I was on New Directions, we performed in front of hostile crowds pretty much anywhere we went. I mean, mattress stores, shopping malls. I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once. But it-it gave us confidence. It-It kept us loose.

Wesley Montgomery: And where would this performance take place?

Blaine Anderson: The Gap at the North Hills Mall. I'd like to call it The Warblers' Gap Attack.

Kurt Hummel: Why the Gap?

Blaine Anderson: The guy that I like is a junior manager.

Wesley Montgomery: All right, well, all those in favor?

Kurt Hummel: I was absolutely devastated.

The Exciters: # I know something about... #

Rachel Berry: Did he ever actually say you two were dating?

Kurt Hummel: Well, not in so many words.

Mercedes Jones: Well, did he put the moves on?

Kurt Hummel: No, but we were always singing duets, and he was always smiling at me.

The Exciters: # The very part of you... #

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, I made up the whole thing in my head, didn't I?

Mercedes Jones: Listen, we've all been there. At least I have. With you.

Rachel Berry: I know exactly what you mean. I mean, if Finn thinks that he's just gonna walk out of my life, he's wrong, 'cause I'm gonna go up to that kissing booth tomorrow with a $100 bill and he's not gonna be able to make change, and then he's gonna be forced to kiss me 100 times, and when his lips touch mine, I'm telling you, he's gonna feel it.

Mercedes Jones: Hey, hey. We're supposed to be giving Kurt advice, remember?

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Mercedes Jones: You are going to the Gap Attack, though, right?

Kurt Hummel: Should-Should I?

Mercedes Jones: Yes!

Rachel Berry: Mm-hmm.

Mercedes Jones: Scope out the competition. See what this guy's like. You know, you two are both so guy crazy. Yeah. Look at me. I don't have a date for Valentine's Day, and I could give a rip. The three of us are divas. Look at our idols. Whitney, Barbra, Patti LuPone. They all became stars while they were single. They took all the pain and loneliness, and they put it into their music. People could relate to it. Yeah, everybody feels lonely. Harnessing this pain is why they became legends.

Rachel Berry: Why has this never occurred to me?

Mercedes Jones: Sometimes you have to choose between love and talent. And as far as I'm concerned, we all need to fly solo for a while.

The Exciters: # Oh, yeah #
# Oh, I know something about love... #

Kurt Hummel: It's so nice to be around girls, for a change.

Rachel Berry: Oh. Here. Move over.

Noah Puckerman: # Are you gonna take me home tonight? #
# Ah, down beside that red firelight #
# Are you gonna let it all hang out? #
# Fat-bottomed girls #
# You make the rockin' world go round #
# Hey #
# I was just a skinny lad #
# Never knew no good from bad #
# But I knew love before I left my nursery #
# Left alone with big fat Fanny #
# She was such a naughty nanny #
# Hey, big woman, you made a bad boy out of me #
# I've been singing with my band #
# Cross the water, cross the land #
# I seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way #
# Hey #

Brittany S. Pierce: Whoo!

Noah Puckerman: # But their beauty and their style #
# Went kind of smooth after a while #
# Take me to them lardy ladies every time #
# Come on #
# Oh, won't you take me home tonight? #
# Oh, down beside your red firelight #
# Are you gonna let it all hang out? #
# Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round #
# Yeah #

Boys of ND: # Fat-bottomed girls #

Noah Puckerman: # You make the rockin' world go round #
# Get on your bikes and ride #
# Ooh, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Them fat bottomed girls #

Boys of ND: # Fat-bottomed girls #

Noah Puckerman: # Yeah, yeah #
# Yeah #

Rachel Berry: High five.

Noah Puckerman: So, um, what'd you think? It was... That's kind of my love song to you, 'cause, you know, you're a little... on the heavier side, but, like the song says, you know, I'm kind of into it. So...

Lauren Zizes: That was the first time anyone ever sang me a love song. And it made me feel like crap.

Becky Jackson: I want tongue.

Finn Hudson: Uh, thanks, Becky. Oh... Sorry, ladies. Brush and floss time. Got to keep up the oral hygiene if I'm gonna satisfy all of you. Sorry.

Quinn Fabray: I know why you're doing this. You know I'm the only girl in school that won't kiss you, and you think that the peer pressure will get to me.

Finn Hudson: Well, it is sort of uncool that you... you're too uptight to spend a buck for a good cause like Glee Club.

Quinn Fabray: I'm not kissing you again.

Finn Hudson: What are you so afraid of?

Quinn Fabray: Leading you on, hurting my boyfriend.

Finn Hudson: Your boyfriend's a boy. Tell me you don't want to kiss me right now.

Quinn Fabray: I can't do this.

Sam Evans: I saw it. Your guys' faces, were, like, right up next to each other. Kissing distance. What are these things?

Quinn Fabray: They're called records. People used to listen to music on them. I'm looking for a classic love song to sing to you for our assignment, because despite your confusion about the matter, you are the only guy I'm ever within kissing distance of.

Sam Evans: Okay. So answer me this, then. Why haven't you kissed Finn at his booth yet?

Quinn Fabray: Okay, first you're all up in my business for kissing Finn, and now you're pissed at me for not kissing...

Sam Evans: It's odd. Something seems fishy. I mean...

Quinn Fabray: This is insane.

Ancient Librarian: Shh!

Sam Evans: Everyone thinks I'm dumb.

Quinn Fabray: Not... everyone.

Sam Evans: But I'm not. At least... not about you. You play it cool, but you're ambitious. You like being the queen bee, and you think being with star quarterback Finn is going to put you up there, whether you're wearing a Cheerios uniform or not. I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.

Quinn Fabray: Fine. Right after Glee rehearsal, I'm kissing Finn.

Finn Hudson: Thanks. Are you sure you can handle this?

Rachel Berry: Oh, absolutely. I've decided that I'm better off without you. Not without you specifically, but without any man who's going to keep me from achieving my goals of stardom.

Finn Hudson: Sweet. Uh... Well, we should probably kiss. There's a line-up.

Rachel Berry: What-What the hell? On the cheek?

Finn Hudson: Wait, I thought you said you were over me.

Rachel Berry: I am, but I still... I still want a real kiss. That was not a dollar kiss.

Finn Hudson: I knew you were lying about being through with love and all that stuff.

Rachel Berry: Okay, fine. I still love you. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Why can't you just forgive me?

Finn Hudson: You cheated on me. That means something.

Rachel Berry: What does it mean? That I was stupid? That I was angry? I- I don't care about Puck. I don't care about anybody but you. It's Valentine's Day.

Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah. I ordered it for you for Christmas before we broke up. Just open it. I think you're right about wanting to be alone for a while. 'Cause let's face it, Rachel. You're better than everyone in this school. You don't need me or any other guy to anchor you to Lima. You're a real star. And you need to shine. Just because I can't be with you, it doesn't mean I don't believe in you.

Rachel Berry: Thank you.

Mike Chang: It's weird. Who'd have guessed that the quiet, skinny Asian guy and the kid in the wheelchair would end up dating two of the raddest girls in school? No jealousy. No drama.

Artie Abrams: Nope.

Mike Chang: I don't know how we did it.

Artie Abrams: I do. We're dope.
# You know, you #
# You make me feel so good inside #
# I always wanted a girl just like you #
# Such a P.Y.T. #
# Pretty young thing #
# Oh #
# Where did you come from, baby? #
# And ooh, won't you take me there? #
# Right away, won't you, baby? #
# Tenderoni, you've got to be #
# Spark my nature, sugar, fly with me #
# Don't you know now is the perfect time? #
# We can make it right, hit the city lights #
# Then tonight, ease the lovin' pain #
# Let me take you to the max #
# I want to love you #

New Directions: # P.Y.T. #

Artie Abrams: # Pretty young thing #
# You need some lovin' #

New Directions: # T.L.C. #

Artie Abrams: # Tender lovin' care #
# And I'll take you there, girl #
# Ooh-ooh #
# I want to love you #

New Directions: # P.Y.T. #

Artie Abrams: # Pretty young thing #
# You need some lovin' #

New Directions: # T.L.C. #

Artie Abrams: # Tender lovin' care #
# And I'll take you there #
# Girl, I'll take you there #

New Directions: # Pretty young thing #

Artie Abrams: # Ooh #

New Directions: # You make me sing #

Artie Abrams: # Pretty young things #
# Repeat after me #
# Sing "Na, na, na" #

New Directions: # Na, na, na #

Artie Abrams: # Na, na, na, na #

New Directions: # Na, na, na, na #

Artie Abrams: # Sing, "Na, na, na" #

New Directions: # Na, na, na #

Artie Abrams: # Na, na, na, na, na #

New Directions: # Na, na, na, na, na #

Artie Abrams: # Oh #
# Hoo #
# Hoo-oo-oo #

New Directions: # P.Y.T. #

Artie Abrams: # Oh, baby #

New Directions: # T.L.C. #

Artie Abrams: # Oh, baby #

Brittany S. Pierce: That's my man and his legs don't work.

Finn Hudson: Tenderoni!

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm so in love, I may just start crying.

Noah Puckerman: What's that?

Santana Lopez: It's a receipt. I went to Jared. You can reimburse me, we'll have dinner at Breadstix, and then we can consider this settled.

Noah Puckerman: Um, no. And consider what settled?

Santana Lopez: Look, you've made your point. I'm sort of a bitch. But I'm willing to change. I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might mistake her for the endangered White Rhino.

Lauren Zizes: I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave out ya head.

Noah Puckerman: Oh. This is not gonna be good.

Santana Lopez: Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person.

Lauren Zizes: Thank you.

Santana Lopez: Now, get out of my way, please, a- fores I ends you.

Lauren Zizes: You don't want to push me.

Santana Lopez: Oh. But, see, I- I sort of do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks.

Shannon Beiste: Hey! Knock it off and get going!

Santana Lopez: Yeah. That's how we do it in Lima Heights.

Shannon Beiste: Get you to the nurse.

Noah Puckerman: Please go out with me. Just... Please.

Lauren Zizes: You make a formal presentation, and I'll consider it.

Sam Evans: Wait. Hold on. I want to see this.

Finn Hudson: Pervert?

Sam Evans: I'd prefer "chaperone," and also "boyfriend."

Quinn Fabray: Satisfied?

Sam Evans: Yeah. Let's go.

Quinn Fabray: Hmm.

Sam Evans: So I took a bunch of those records you were looking at in the library, and I'm gonna load them into my iTunes.

Quinn Fabray: Hey, I forgot my purse. Meet me tomorrow afternoon in the auditorium.

Finn Hudson: Fireworks.

Blaine Anderson: That's him. The blonde one folding sweaters.

Kurt Hummel: Hmm. I can see the appeal. That's quite a ad of hair.

Blaine Anderson: His name is Jeremiah. If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50% discount. This is insane. I don't know what I'm doing. We haven't even really gone out on a date. We-We shouldn't do this. This is crazy.

Kurt Hummel: Okay. Come on. Come on. Man up. You're amazing. He's gonna love you.

The Warblers: # Vum, vum, vum, vum! #
# Vum, vum, vum, vum! #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # Baby girl, where you at? #
# Got no strings, got men attached #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # Can't stop that feelin' for long, no #
# Mmm #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # You makin' dogs wanna beg #
# Breaking them off your fancy legs #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # But they make you feel right at home, now #
# Oh #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # See, all these illusions just take us too long #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # And I want it bad #
# Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause you make me sick and I'm not leavin' #

The Warblers: # Ahh... #

Blaine Anderson: # Till you're leavin' #

The Warblers: # Ooh... #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, I swear there's something when she's pumpin' #
# Asking for a raise #
# Well, does she want me to carry her home now? #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # So, does she want me to buy her things? #
# On my house, on my job, on my loot #
# Shoes, my shirt, my crew #
# My mind, my father's last name? #

The Warblers: # Ohh... #

Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
# When I get you, you'll know, babe #

The Warblers: # Ohh... #

Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #
# When I get you alone #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
# La-la, ah, ah, ah... #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, come on #

The Warblers: # Ah, ah, ah, ah... #

Blaine Anderson: # Yeah, yeah #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # Baby girl, you the shh! #
# That makes you my equivalent #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # Well, you can keep your toys in the drawer tonight #
# All right #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # All my dogs talkin' fast #
# Ain't you got some photographs? #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #

Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause you shook that room #
# Like a star, now, yes, you did, yes, you did #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # All these intrusions just take us too long #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # And I want you so bad #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # Because you walk city, because you talk city #
# 'Cause you make me sick, and I'm not leavin' #

The Warblers: # Ahh... #

Blaine Anderson: # Till you're leavin' #

The Warblers: # Ooh... #

Blaine Anderson: # So I pray to something she ain't bluffing #
# Rubbin' up on me #
# Well, does she want me to make a vow? Check it #
# Well, does she want me to make it now? #
# On my house, on my job, on my loot #

The Warblers: # Ooh... #

Blaine Anderson: # Shoes, my voice, my crew, my mind #
# My father's last name? #
# When I get you alone #

The Warblers: # Ahh... #

Blaine Anderson: # When I get you, you'll know, babe #
# When I get you alone #

The Warblers: # Ahh... #

Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da #
# Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, oh #

The Warblers: # Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum... #

Blaine Anderson: # When I get you alone. #

The Warblers: # Ba-da-ba-da! #

Blaine Anderson: Was it too much? It was too much. Jeremiah. Hey.

Jeremiah: What the hell were you doing?

Blaine Anderson: What?

Jeremiah: I just got fired. You can't just bust a groove in the middle of somebody else's workplace.

Blaine Anderson: But they loved it.

Jeremiah: Well, my boss didn't. Neither did I. No one here knows I'm gay.

Kurt Hummel: Can I be honest? Just, with the hair? I think they do.

Jeremiah: Blaine, let's just be clear here. You and I got coffee twice. We're not dating. If we were, I'd get arrested, 'cause you're underage.

Mike Chang: Oh, yeah. That's my ear. That's my ear. I love it. I like it.

Santana Lopez: Ugh, gross. How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action at this school, and here I am on Valentine's, single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable. Wait, that's weird. Quinn's wearing her queen bitch smirk, and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around. I know what cheating looks like. I do it all the time. Well, I think it's time to do what Santana does best. Revenge.

Santana Lopez: I've always loved volunteering at the local hospital, and not just because of the sexy candy striper outfit. Giving back is so important. Excuse me. Are there any sick students I can help you tend to?

Nurse: Wes Fahey's down with mono and he's waiting for his mom to pick him up. But you shouldn't go in there. It's highly contagious.

Santana Lopez: Please. I've had mono so many times, it turned into stereo. Hi. So, I'm gonna need to borrow your germs.

Wes Fahey: Thanks.

Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa.

Santana Lopez: Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself. If I have anything, I hope it's not contagious.

Finn Hudson: But what? Hi.

Noah Puckerman: What is this place?

Lauren Zizes: It's the library. Haven't you been in here before? No? Okay. I don't understand. You said you want to formally ask me out, but I see no envelope of cash, no muffin basket.

Noah Puckerman: I sang to you.

Lauren Zizes: An offensive song. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Noah Puckerman: Wait. I mean, let's be honest here, you look... the way you look. And I'm embracing that. I mean, it turns me on, babe.

Lauren Zizes: I look like America looks. And, like America, I need more than just a song to get my juices flowing.

Noah Puckerman: Lauren Zizes, will you go to Breadstix with me tomorrow night?

Lauren Zizes: Tomorrow's not Valentine's Day.

Noah Puckerman: Tomorrow's the pre-date. 'Cause our mouths are going to be too busy macking out on Valentine's Day to eat anything.

Lauren Zizes: I like your style, Puckerman. I dine at 8:00. Now, get out of here, before I change my mind. Yeah. Good-bye.

Quinn Fabray: Sorry. I was at church.

Finn Hudson: Praying for the strength to come?

Quinn Fabray: Not to. You realize this is making me a cheater, the thing that hurt you so badly that it made you break up with me. And Rachel.

Finn Hudson: You know why it hurt so bad when you guys cheated on me? 'Cause it meant you didn't love me.

Quinn Fabray: That's not true.

Finn Hudson: No. At least not enough to not want t to hurt me, and that's the thing about cheating. When you really love someone, you'd do anything to keep them safe.

Quinn Fabray: I love Sam.

Finn Hudson: No, you don't. Or else you wouldn't have come here.

Quinn Fabray: Fine. I think I love him. No matter what happens between us, I'm not going to break up with Sam until I know for sure one way or another.

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Quinn Fabray: Do you think you can love two people at one time?

Finn Hudson: Not totally. You have to choose, eventually.

Quinn Fabray: Not yet.

Blaine Anderson: Don't they have anything here that isn't covered with stupid, little hearts? Gross.

Kurt Hummel: Well, you've certainly changed your tune.

Blaine Anderson: I don't think I've ever made that big a fool of myself, which is really saying something, because I've performed at theme parks. I just... I can't believe I made it all up in my head.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, can I ask you something? Because we've always been completely honest with each other. You and I? We hang out. We sing flirty duets together. You know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that that was nothing?

Blaine Anderson: What do you mean?

Kurt Hummel: I thought the guy that you wanted to ask out on Valentine's Day was me.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, wow. I really am clueless. Look, Kurt... I don't know what I'm doing. I pretend like I do. And I know how to act it out in song, but the truth is... I've never really been anyone's boyfriend.

Kurt Hummel: Me, neither.

Blaine Anderson: Let me be really clear about something. I really, really care about you. But as you and about 20 mortified shoppers saw, I'm not very good at romance. I don't want to screw this up.

Kurt Hummel: So it's just like When Harry Met Sally. But I get to play Meg Ryan.

Blaine Anderson: Deal. Don't they, uh, get together in the end?

Kurt Hummel: Could I get a nonfat mocha, and a medium drip for my friend Billy Crystal?

Blaine Anderson: Ah, you know my coffee order.

Kurt Hummel: You know what? I think I've got something for us to do on Valentine's Day.

Noah Puckerman: Thanks for doing this. It really takes the sting off.

Michelle: It's cool. My dad's a drug addict, so losers make me horny.

Noah Puckerman: I'm not a loser. This is the first time I've ever been stood up.

Michelle: Must be some chick to blow you off.

Waitress Sandy: Michelle, I've been covering your section for 15 minutes. Your break's over. And your husband called.

Finn Hudson: Well, I did it. I kissed every girl in this school, and raised $324 for the Glee Club.

Will Schuester: All right, Finn. Thanks. That'll pay for half a ticket to Nationals. So... Still a long way to go. All right? Okay. Now I believe it's time to hear what the world's greatest love song means to Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang. Come on up.

Finn Hudson: Is anyone else hot? It's really stuffy in here.

Tina Cohen-Chang: This is for you, Mike. Happy Valentine's Day.
# My funny Valentine #
# Sweet, comic Valentine #
# You make me smile with my heart #
# Your looks are laughable #
# Unphotographable #
# Yet you're my favorite work of art #
# Is your figure less than Greek? #
# Is your mouth a little weak? #
# When you open... #
# ... are you smart? #
# Stay, oh, oh, God, Valentine #
# Stay... #
Every day is Valentine's Day... when I'm with you.

Mike Chang: That was good. Thank you.

Will Schuester: Okay. Wow, that was... powerful. Almost too powerful.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, can I be excused? I don't feel well.

Quinn Fabray: Me, either. I feel sick.

Santana Lopez: Let me guess. You have a sore throat, and your glands are swollen, and you're feverish.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, which is why I need to go to the nurse.

Santana Lopez: It sounds like you have mono. Otherwise known as the kissing disease. But you know what really helps spread it? A little tongue. Which is weird, because it sounds like Quinn here has it, too.

Sam Evans: I was there when they kissed. It was just a peck.

Santana Lopez: So, how about we stop talking about tonguing, and Finn and I go to the nurse? You know what? I think that is a capital idea!

Quinn Fabray: I've cheated twice in my life. The first time, I got pregnant. The second time, I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Finn Hudson: Maybe. But I think Sam likes you enough to believe whatever story you told him.

Quinn Fabray: Santana is such a bitch.

Nurse: It looks like mono to me. I called your mothers. You can hang here till they pick you up, but no kissing.

Finn Hudson: I'm not done with us yet.

Quinn Fabray: You have to stop. Nothing can happen between us, until I figure out what's going on with me and Sam and you figure out what's going on with you and Rachel.

Finn Hudson: But... nothing's... nothing's going on with me and Rachel.

Quinn Fabray: All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me, you're staring at her.

Noah Puckerman: Hello... Lauren.

Lauren Zizes: What's with the chilly willy, Puckerman?

Noah Puckerman: Honestly, I'm not used to getting stood up. Last night? Breadstix?

Lauren Zizes: Oh, we had a date, didn't we?

Noah Puckerman: Look, I get it. You've been hurt by guys before. But I'm telling you, I'm not like that.

Lauren Zizes: First of all, you got a girl pregnant last year, so, yeah, you are. And B: What makes you assume guys treat me badly? I can take care of myself.

Noah Puckerman: That's what I like about you. I'm not into you because you... have curves. I... What I like is that you're a girl who's an even bigger bad ass than me.

Lauren Zizes: Can I be honest with you? I like you. I used to think you were smokin', but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I thought you were mixed race, and that never fails to get me going. But here's the thing, Puckerman. I'm not just looking for somebody to fool around with, so if you're really into me, you got to take it slow.

Noah Puckerman: I suppose I could give that a shot.

Lauren Zizes: Then you're on for Valentine's Day. As friends.

Rachel Berry: Where's Quinn?

Finn Hudson: Uh... Uh, her mom picked her up a few hours ago.

Rachel Berry: Quinn really is very pretty.

Finn Hudson: You don't have to do that, you know.

Rachel Berry: No. I would do it for anyone. She's prettier than me.

Finn Hudson: Would you stop? You're beautiful.

Rachel Berry: I know she is. It meant so much to me that you chose me over her. Girls like me don't get chosen over girls like her very much. Did you kiss her? Like Santana said?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, but I-I just needed to get it out of my system.

Rachel Berry: So, what did it feel like? When you kissed her?

Finn Hudson: Fireworks.

Rachel Berry: Did you see fireworks when you kissed me?

Finn Hudson: Rachel, wait.

Rachel Berry: No. It's good. Thank you. Look, you've given me the strength to move on. I know now that there's... nothing here for me anymore.

Finn Hudson: That's not the truth. I still... I'm just... I'm so confused in my head right now.

Rachel Berry: No, it's okay. Look, I understand. Now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back. And you've actually inspired my song selection for this week's love song assignment. Feel better, Finn.
# Do you ever feel like a plastic bag #
# Drifting through the wind #
# Wanting to start again? #
# Do you ever feel #
# Feel so paper thin #
# Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? #
# Do you ever feel already buried deep? #
# Six feet under screams #
# But no one seems to hear a thing #
# Do you know that there's still a chance for you? #
# 'Cause there's a spark in you #
# You just gotta ignite the light #
# And let it shine #
# Just own the night #
# Like the Fourth of July #
# 'Cause, baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, show 'em what you're worth #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# As you shoot across the sky-y-y #
# Baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, let your colors burst #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# You're gonna leave 'em going, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# Baby, you're a firework #
# Come on, let your colors burst #
# Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# You're gonna leave 'em going, "Oh, oh, oh!" #
# Boom, boom, boom #
# Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon #
# Boom, boom, boom #
# Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon. #

Mercedes Jones: Mind if we join you?

Rachel Berry: I would love that.

Kurt Hummel: Testing, one, two, three. Test-Testing, one, two, three. All right. So, Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. For those of you Breadstix patrons who don't know who I am, I'm Kurt Hummel, and welcome to my first ever Lonely Hearts Club dinner. Whether you are single with hope, or madly in love, and are here because I forced you to come out and support me, sit back and enjoy. And to all the singles out there, this is our year.

The Warblers: # How can I tell #
# I can't explain #
# The feeling's plain to me #
# You about my loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ah, he gave me more #
# How can I tell #
# He gave it all to me #
# You about #
# My loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #

Blaine Anderson: # You'd think that people would have had enough #
# Of silly love songs #

The Warblers: # Bum, bum, bum #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # But I look around me and I see it isn't so #

The Warblers: # Bum, bum, bum #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, no #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # Some people #
# Wanna fill the world with silly love songs #

The Warblers: # Ah, ah, ah #

Blaine Anderson: # And what's wrong with that? #

The Warblers: # What's wrong with that? #

Blaine Anderson: # I'd like to know #

The Warblers: # I'd like to know #

Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause here I go again #

The Warblers: # Here I go #

Blaine Anderson: # Again #

The Warblers: # Ba, ba, ba, ba-dah #
# Bah #

Blaine Anderson: # I love you #

The Warblers: # La-la, la-la, la, la #

Blaine Anderson: # I love you #

The Warblers: # La-la, la-la, la, ah, dah #

Blaine Anderson: # Love doesn't come in a minute #

The Warblers: # Doesn't come in a minute #

Blaine Anderson: # Sometimes it doesn't come at all #

The Warblers: # Doesn't come at all #

Blaine Anderson: # I only know that when I'm in it #

The Warblers: # Only know when I'm in it #

Blaine Anderson: # It isn't silly #

The Warblers: # At all #

Blaine Anderson: # No, it isn't silly #

The Warblers: # At all #

Blaine Anderson: # Love isn't silly at all #
# Not at all #

The Warblers: # Bah, bah, bada, bada, dah #
# Da, ba-ba, bada, bah #
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # I love you #

The Warblers: # Do, do, do, do #

Blaine Anderson: # I love you #

The Warblers: # I can't explain the feeling's plain to me #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ah, he gave me more #
# How can I tell you about #
# He gave it all to me #
# Say, can't you see? #
# My loved one? #
# I can't explain #
# How #
# The feeling's plain to me #
# Can I tell you about #
# My loved one? #
# Say, can't you see? #
# Ba, ba, bada, bada, da, ba, ba-ba, bada, ba #
# Bah, bah! #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Puck's got a thing for Lauren Zizes, but she's not really down with it.

Lauren Zizes: I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Ian Brennan: Finn kissed Quinn, who's supposed to be dating Sam, and Rachel kissed Finn too, but he didn't feel the fireworks.

Rachel Berry: On the cheek?

Ian Brennan: Can you believe that? Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon to win Nationals, but the only thing she won was Katie Couric's "Loser of the Year."

Sue Sylvester: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: I actually learned something in my Spanish class today. "Regresar." Who knows what that means? "To come back." That's right. I realized the old Will Schuster was back. Glee Club's going to Regionals. We got all of Sue's Cheerios money. I'm past Terry. I'm over Emma. "To come back." Now, if we're going to put it in the past...

Emma Pillsbury: Will? It's an emergency.

Emma Pillsbury: Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this.

Will Schuester: "Good-bye, cruel world"?

Emma Pillsbury: She could be dead by now.

Will Schuester: It's weird; the door's open. Sue? Sue?

Emma Pillsbury: No? All right.

Will Schuester: Sue.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my Lord. Oh!

Will Schuester: Oh, Sue. Sue. Wake up, Sue. Sue! Wake up!

Emma Pillsbury: I don't feel a pulse. She doesn't have a pulse.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, I do. I just stopped my own heart. That's my CIA training. These gummi vitamins didn't work at all. I was told you take enough Vitamin A, and you drift off into a blissful oblivion. Instead, my face just got really hot and my jaw is sore from all that chewing. I have nothing to live for.

Emma Pillsbury: That's not untrue.

Will Schuester: Emma, we didn't come here to give her a pep talk. I'm sorry, Sue, but you brought this on yourself.

Sue Sylvester: I am well aware of my situation, Will. After my humiliating failure to qualify for Nationals, there is nothing for me or my Cheerios to do for the rest of the year.

Emma Pillsbury: Why don't you do what other cheer squads do— namely, cheer for the teams at the school?

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Will Schuester: Emma, let's go. Sue, you are nasty, manipulative and petty.

Sue Sylvester: Will, you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind WikiLeaks.

Will Schuester: Oh, I for one, am not going to play backup at your little pity party. Take it easy, Sue.

Sam Evans: Hey.

Quinn Fabray: Hi.

Sam Evans: So I wanted to confirm our date on Friday at Color Me Mine.

Quinn Fabray: Wait, you were serious about that?

Sam Evans: It's painting coasters time. So, we good for Friday?

Quinn Fabray: Yeah. I think so. I mean, I don't think I have anything else to do.

Sam Evans: Cool. Things have been weird since Quinn got mono a couple of weeks ago. Everyone keeps telling me that she must have kissed Finn, but I believe it when she told me what really happened.

Quinn Fabray: I didn't kiss Finn, Sam. I saved his life.

Principal Figgins: He's not breathing!

Sam Evans: I totally almost choked on a gumball once.

Sam Evans: I know she's into me. I just get the feeling that I'm losing her. I can't let that happen. Quinn's the best thing that's happened to me since I got to this school. But how? Of course. My dad always said there are two ways to get a woman to love you: take her hunting and rock 'n' roll. I knew what I had to do. I mean, who's more rock and roll than Justin Bieber? No one. That's who. The hair was step one. Step two was booking a couple of Bat Mitvah gigs to test out how my new one man band would go over. Hey. I'm the Justin Bieber Experience.
# Baby, baby, baby, oh #
# Like #
# Baby, baby, baby #
# No #
# Like, baby, baby, baby #
# Oh #
# I thought you'd #
# Always be mine. #

Sam Evans: Heads up, Quinn Fabray, you're about to be hit head on with the full blond Bieber.

Rachel Berry: Hey, Brittany. We need to talk. Why are my leg warmers on your arms?

Brittany S. Pierce: I got cold.

Rachel Berry: But, no. We had a deal, okay? As I explained, I am in the midst of a career resurgence, okay? I am done with boys, and I am concentrating fully on my career now. The only way to make a complete comeback is to dominate popular discussion, maybe launch a trend or two. I have you half of my allowance so you could take a signature look of mine and make it popular.

Brittany S. Pierce: And we decided tha legwarmers were more likely to catch on than reindeer sweaters.

Rachel Berry: Yes, precisely, but it won't work if you insist on wearing them incorrectly.

Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't realize that there were rules.

Rachel Berry: Of course there are rules. They're legwarmers.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, can I wear them that way tomorrow? I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer. No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.

Rachel Berry: Fine, fine. And when people ask you who gave you the inspiration for your new accessory, you're going to say, "I'm just copying Rachel..."

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm just copying Rachel Berry.

Rachel Berry: Fantastic.

Sue Sylvester: You know how I feel about hats. Just 'cause. None of you should be making eye contact with me. Get out! Go! Get used to this abuse, Glee kids. I got nothing but time. Nothing but time.

Will Schuester: I think she's dangerous. Idle hands are the Devil's playthings. I mean, Sue's got nothing to do now, which means it's only a matter of time before she starts coming after the Glee Club.

Sue Sylvester: Hey... Will, Esmé. So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting. But would you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I could hang myself? I just did a test run back in my office, and you know what? There's asbestos up there, and that can kill a person.

Will Schuester: Sue? Sit. Now, I understand you're upset, but life is beautiful. Are you going to tell me there hasn't been one moment since your epic decline that you haven't felt yourself feel good about something?

Sue Sylvester: Well, yes, Will, as a matter of fact, there was... there was one moment. I was driving to work this morning in my LeCar, and Charlene's "I've Never Been To Me" came on the radio. And when it got to the chorus, I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her. And I have to say, it felt really good.

Emma Pillsbury: Sue should join the Glee Club.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry?

Sue Sylvester: No, I'd rather be dead.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes. She should join— I mean, you can't join, but she can sit in. Yes. Will. Look, Sue is in a really bad place right now. And you're always talking about the healing power of music. There are studies that show it helps with depression, it elevates mood. I have a pamphlet.

Will Schuester: Uh... Emma, I don't think this is a good idea at all.

Sue Sylvester: I agree with SpongeHair SquareChin. It's a stupid idea.

Emma Pillsbury: No, no. The football team did it for a spell, and that really brought people together. Will, and this is a great chance for you to keep your eye on Sue. You know, make sure the old gal's okay.

Sue Sylvester: Well, you know what, folks? At this point, to alleviate my crippling depression, I'd do anything.

Tina Cohen-Chang: This cannot be happening.

Artie Abrams: This seems like a terrible idea.

Will Schuester: Guys, it's not up for discussion, okay? Now, it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks...

Santana Lopez: I mean, just wanky.

Will Schuester: And I believe she could use a little sympathy from us.

Mercedes Jones: Sympathy? From us? Uh-uh.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable.

Santana Lopez: She got exactly what she deserved.

Sue Sylvester: You're lucky I left my blowgun at home, Airbags, 'cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies.

Will Schuester: Guys, Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks, but she is a proven champion. Now, we could do worse than to have that kindf a winning record in our midst.

Sue Sylvester: Let me break it down for you. I am no longer a threat to you people. All right? I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live. Is that too much to ask?

Will Schuester: Guys, it's settled. Sue's going to be with us for the week. Now... I received an envelope in the mail today. We know that we're facing Kurt and the Warblers at Regionals.

Sue Sylvester: Sweet Porcelain.

Will Schuester: And it looks like this year, we face Aural Intensity again.

Mercedes Jones: They cleaned our clock last year.

Will Schuester: Seems like the governing board has assigned a theme to this year's Regionals, and part of our score will be based upon how well we interpret it. This year's theme— "Anthem." Now, who can tell us what an anthem is?

Brittany S. Pierce: The bottom of an ant's pants.

Will Schuester: So close. So close. No. An anthem is an epic song, filled with a groundswell of emotion that somehow seems bigger than itself. Even bigger than the person performing it.

Sam Evans: Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Sam, I didn't even notice your new haircut.

Sam Evans: Yeah. I've been working on a new image to go with my new one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience.

Quinn Fabray: You've got to be kidding me.

Noah Puckerman: Dude. That haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.

Sue Sylvester: Let her speak.

Sam Evans: Look, laugh all you want, but that kid's an epic talent, and there's a number I've been working on that I've been wanting to show off. And I think it qualifies as an anthem, because it's just hugely emotional, and sums up our generation.

Will Schuester: All right. Let's hear it, buddy.

Sam Evans: # Oh, whoa, whoa #
# Oh, whoa, oh #
# Oh, whoa, whoa #
# You know you love me, I know you care #
# Just shout whenever, and I'll be there #
# You want my love, you want my heart #
# And we will never... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: This is actually a really good song.

Sam Evans: # Ever, ever be apart #
# Are we an item? #
# Girl, quit playing #
# We're just friends? #
# What are you saying? #
# Say there's another, and look right in my eyes #
# My first love broke my heart for the first time #
# And I was like #
# Baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, like, baby, baby, baby, no #
# Like baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, I thought you'd always be mine mine #
# Oh, for you, I would have d #Done whatever #
# And I just can't believe we ain't together #
# And I wanna play it cool #
# But I'm losing you #
# I'll buy you anything #
# I'll buy you any ring #
# And I'm in pieces #
# Baby, fix me #
# And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream #
# I'm going down, down, down, down #
# And I just cant believe #
# My first love won't be around #
# And I'm like, baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, like, baby, baby, baby #
# No, like, baby, baby, baby, oh #
# I thought you'd always be mine #
# I'm gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# I'm gone. #

New Directions: Yeah! All right! The Biebster!

Sue Sylvester: I got to get that girl on my Cheerios!

Noah Puckerman: We want in.

Sam Evans: In what?

Artie Abrams: The Justin Bieber Experience. We want in the band.

Sam Evans: But it's a one-man band.

Mike Chang: So expand.

Sam Evans: I don't get it, you guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.

Noah Puckerman: That's because we underestimated the power of the Biebes.

Mike Chang: He's clearly like a mini-god.

Artie Abrams: Look how you made all those chicks melt in Glee Club; now think about the power of four Biebers.

Noah Puckerman: We'd be unstoppable.

Mike Chang: All of our relationships are in the standard post-Valentine's Day lull.

Mike Chang: Are you playing Angry Birds?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Sorry.

Mike Chang: Want me to show you my abs?

Tina Cohen-Chang: If you want to.

Artie Abrams: Here's what happens to the female chemistry. They get a huge shot of endorphins on Valentine's Day, and everything is heightened and so romantic— the problem is, days later, when they come down from their See's candy high, they crash, and everything else, by comparison, is humdrum.

Mike Chang: We need the sugary sweet jolt of the Biebes to get us some action again.

Sam Evans: Why do you want in, Puckerman?

Noah Puckerman: I'm at the end of my Lauren Zises rope. I'll try anything to get into those enormous pants.

Finn Hudson: Uh, what's going on?

Artie Abrams: We're joining The Justin Bieber Experience, if Sam's cool with it.

Noah Puckerman: And if not, we're starting our own band.

Mike Chang: Bieber Fever.

Finn Hudson: Wait, you-you guys do realize that Justin Bieber sucks, right?

Sam Evans: Quinn seemed to be pretty into him when I was singing in Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: Right, well, I'm gonna spend my time working on songs that aren't geared toward 12-year-olds.

Sam Evans: Good. And then you won't have time to pick up any other guys' girlfriends.

Finn Hudson: Hey... back off, man. I didn't kiss your girlfriend. She saved my life.

Mike Chang: So, what do you say? Are we in?

Sam Evans: Fine. But we need to figure out something to do with Puckerman's hair.

Rachel Berry: Oh, no. No way.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a genius— they have changed my life. I didn't know my arms could be so toasty. You're a hero— you should win some kind of award.

Rachel Berry: What are you doing?

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so sorry, Rachel, it just sort of caught on.

Rachel Berry: I see that, okay? That is not what we agreed upon! I want my allowance back right now!

Brittany S. Pierce: It's already gone. My uncle lost his job, and his goat was going hungry, so... I spent it on food for the goat. I mean, sort of. The goat just ate the money.

Rachel Berry: Okay, the-the only way to proceed is for you to come to school dressed exactly like me.

Brittany S. Pierce: What is that look called?

Rachel Berry: Sexy schoolgirl librarian chic. All right, you'd better get a move on, okay? Kids 'R' Us closes at 6:00 p.m. sharp. Go, Brittany.

Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, L my lust for life is renewed. I have found myself dropped behind enemy lines, poised to destroy the Glee Club from within. Schuester and his guidance counselor Ginger fell for my pity party hook, line and sinker, and now I'm in and ready to sink them, once and for all. Thus begins my plan. I will pit these Glee Clubbers against one another, rupturing the group internally, until it explodes like a ripe zit!

Mercedes Jones: You wanted to see me?

Sue Sylvester: Yes. Mercedes, have a seat. So, I've decided I'm going to sing a song in Glee Club, and I need your advice. Now, as you may know, I have a background in music. For a brief period, I was a tambourine player for Wilson-Phillips. What I need to learn from you is how to be a diva.

Mercedes Jones: Oh. Well, you've definitely come to the right girl. I mean, being a diva is all about attitude, something I know you're not short on. It's all about sassy fingers and shaking that weave and generally, taking no nonsense from nobody.

Sue Sylvester: Dig it, sister.

Rachel Berry: Well, I have to say I'm flattered and shocked that you came to me.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, come, now, "Ra-chelle," it doesn't humble me too much to say I simply need your tutelage.

Rachel Berry: Well, I'll say this— being a diva is all about emotion. In fact, you feel so much emotion that it cannot be physically contained. Sometimes you have to close your eyes and turn your head and push, push your feelings away— they're that big!

Sue Sylvester: Wow. Well, that Mercedes is wrong about you.

Rachel Berry: What... what did she say?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I don't remember the specifics, just something about you're not as talented as you think you are and all your ideas are horrible. I don't know, something like that.

Mercedes Jones: She said what?

Sue Sylvester: Yep. Quote: "Not that talented."

Mercedes Jones: There you are. I heard what you said about me.

Rachel Berry: I heard what you said about me.

Mercedes Jones: Just when I thought we were friends.

Rachel Berry: I guess that will just never happen, will it?

Mercedes Jones: I guess not. You know, there's only one "I" in "diva," Rachel, and that "I" is me. Guess we're just gonna have to settle this the old-fashioned way.

Rachel Berry: Diva-off.

Mercedes Jones: Tomorrow, Glee Club.

Rachel Berry: Why not right now?

Mercedes Jones: 'Cause I have to go get my cross-trainers. Want to know why? I'm gonna be doing some runs.

Finn Hudson: So... Friday night, I figured we'd check out the Sullivan rink. They have ice rink bumper cars.

Quinn Fabray: I told you, I haven't decided what I'm doing yet.

Mercedes Jones: Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?

Will Schuester: All right, looks like the guys here are ready to give us their anthem.

Sam Evans: Everybody, we are the new and improved The Justin Bieber Experience, and we think this song is an anthem because everything Bieber does is epic.

Artie Abrams: Truth.

Sam Evans: Anyway, this song, like all the songs I sing, is for my girlfriend Quinn. Hit it.

Artie Abrams: # Ohhhhh ohoooooo #
# For you, I'd write a symphony #
# I'd tell the violin #
# It's time to sink a swim #
# Watch them play for ya #

Sam Evans: # For you I'd be #
# Runnin' a thousand miles #
# Just get to where you are. #

Artie Abrams: # Step to the beat of my heart #
# I don't need a whole lot #
# But for you I admit I'd #
# Rather give you the world #
# Or we can share mine #

Sam Evans: # I know that I won't be the first one givin' you all this attention #
# Baby listen #

The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love. #

Sam Evans: # I don't need too much #
# Just need somebody to love #

The Justin Bieber Experience: # Somebody to love #

Sam Evans: # I don't need nothing else. #
# I promise, girl, I swear #
# I just need somebody to love. #

The Justin Bieber Experience: # I need somebody #
# I-I need somebody #
# I need somebody #
# I-I need somebody #

Artie Abrams: # Every day #
# I bring the sun around #
# I sweep away the clouds #
# Smile for me #

Sam Evans: # I would take every second, #
# Every single time #
# Spend it like my last dime. #

Artie Abrams: # Step to the beat of my heart. #
# I don't need a whole lot #
# But for you I admit I'd #
# Rather give you the world #
# Or let you share mine #

Sam Evans: # I know I won't be the first one, #
# Givin' you all this attention #

Artie Abrams: # Baby listen! #

The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love #

Sam Evans: # I don't need too much #
# Just somebody to love. #

The Justin Bieber Experience: # Somebody to love #

Sam Evans: # I don't need nothing else, #
# I promise girl I swear. #

The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love. #
# I need somebody, #
# I-I need somebody, #
# I need somebody, #
# I-I need somebody. #

Sam Evans: # I swear, I just need somebody to love. #

Rachel Berry: Justin Bieber!

Sam Evans: I need a towel.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey!

Quinn Fabray: I... I actually can't do Friday.

Noah Puckerman: Hey, Lauren. So, uh, what'd you think?

Lauren Zizes: Honestly, although my love would crush him, I'm totally turned on by the Biebster. That is, until I remember that he looks like he's 12; then it's sort of creepy. So if I were gonna give C-plus.

Noah Puckerman: Listen, Zises, I'm dying here. You got me every which way, and we both know I'm not the brightest. So, please!— what do I have to do to get with you?

Lauren Zizes: I may have a proposition for you. I'll keep you posted.

Quinn Fabray: Color Me Mine?

Sam Evans: I'll color you yours any day.

Santana Lopez: Mm, Sammy Evans! You are Biebalicious. How are things going with you and Quinn?

Sam Evans: Fine.

Santana Lopez: No, they're not. You and I should, uh, talk soon.

Quinn Fabray: Sam's an artist, Finn.

Finn Hudson: An artist? I guess that's why he's taking you to Color Me Mine.

Quinn Fabray: I told you I needed time to figure out what I was gonna do with Sam, and I did. I choose him.

Finn Hudson: Because of The Justin Bieber Experience?

Quinn Fabray: Look, I thought it was gonna be stupid, too, but he was so... shameless. He just got up there and owned it. It was sexy. I'm sorry, Finn. But like I said, Sam's an artist, and at the end of the day... it really turns me on.

Noah Puckerman: Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you?

Lauren Zizes: Shut it, Puckerman— we're here to talk business.

Noah Puckerman: Sorry.

Lauren Zizes: Okay, I want to do a number for Glee Club. It's stage one of my master plan.

Noah Puckerman: Shibby. So what, you want me to back you up on my ax?

Lauren Zizes: Yeah, but I also need some advice. I'm a little bit nervous about singing in front of a crowd. Up until now, I've only really sung in the steam shower.

Noah Puckerman: Hot. But ridiculous. I mean, you're the most confident chick I know.

Lauren Zizes: Yeah, I know I'm hot melted butter, but singing's different, and I want to be great. Or at least as good as Barry.

Noah Puckerman: I get nervous before I sing, too. But I always overcome. You want to know my secret?

Lauren Zizes: Yeah.

Noah Puckerman: Oldest trick in the book. Just picture the audience in their underwear.

Lauren Zizes: Even the dudes?

Noah Puckerman: It's not about sex. It's just about seeing the audience as more vulnerable than you. Trust me. It works every time. Can I touch your knockers now?

Lauren Zizes: Only if you want to lose a hand. But you're on your way.

Sue Sylvester: Remember, I want this diva-off to be a bloodbath.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, trust. It's about to go down.

Rachel Berry: You look amazing.

Brittany S. Pierce: I really do.

Rachel Berry: This look has to go viral. Is there any way you can cut class for the rest of the day, just so that you could walk down the halls?

Brittany S. Pierce: Totally. Most teachers think by cutting class, I might improve my grades.

Rachel Berry: Great.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Why are you dressed like that? I thought you weren't into the Biebster.

Finn Hudson: Well, I wasn't, but then somebody told me that Justin Bieber's, like, the king of YouTube with over a billion views. An anthem is supposed to appeal to the masses, right? So before I pick my anthem, I was working on my anthem look.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys and gals! And Sue. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Our next diva-off. So here they are, sure to give us a fantastic anthem, Mercedes and Rachel. Let's give it up!

Rachel Berry: Uh, after much argument, I finally convinced Mercedes that in order to do a proper diva-off, it has to come from the Broadway catalogue. Which I think is safe to say that that gives me a home field advantage, so...

Mercedes Jones: Oh, wellyou're about to get beat on your own turf.

Rachel Berry: Hit it.

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah

Rachel Berry: # Yeah

Mercedes Jones: # Ooh

Rachel Berry: # Every single day
# I walk down the street
# I hear people say
# "Baby's so sweet"
# Ever since puberty
# Everybody stares at me
# Boys, girls
# I can't help it baby
# So be kind
# And don't lose your mind
# Just remember
# That I'm your baby

Mercedes Jones: # Take me for what I am
# Who I was meant to be

Rachel Berry: # And if you give a damn

Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me baby or leave me

Rachel Berry: # Take me baby or leave me

Mercedes Jones: # A tiger in a cage
# Can never see the sun
# This diva needs her stage
# Baby, let's have fun!
# You are the one I choose
# Folks would kill to fill your shoes
# You love the limelight too, now baby
# So be mine
# And don't waste my time
# Cryin', "Oh Honeybear
# Are you still my, my, my baby?"

Rachel Berry: # Take me for what I am

Mercedes Jones: # Who I was meant to be

Mercedes & Rachel: # And if you give a damn

Mercedes Jones: # Take me baby or leave me
# No way, can I be what I'm not

Rachel Berry: # But hey, don't you want your girl hot?

Mercedes Jones: # Don't fight, don't lose your head

Rachel Berry: # ‘Cause every night, who's in your bed?

Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me for what I am

Mercedes Jones: # Who I was meant to be

Rachel Berry: # Who I was meant to be
# And if you give a damn

Mercedes Jones: # And if you give a damn ya better
# Take me baby or leave me

Rachel Berry: # Oh, take me baby or leave me

Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me baby
# Or leave me
# Guess I'm leaving
# I'm gone!

Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God. That was so great!

Rachel Berry: No, her. What about her?

Mercedes Jones: Me? No, her.

Will Schuester: You guys, that was awesome!

Sue Sylvester: Hey, where's the hate?

Will Schuester: Not the point of Glee Club, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: I understand you wish to see me.

Will Schuester: Yeah, Sue, I did. I saw how you were in class today. What are you doing tomorrow night? I want to take you somewhere.

Sue Sylvester: No. No. No way. I don't care how depressed I am, I will not date a curly.

Will Schuester: Not on a date, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Still probably not going to go.

Will Schuester: You're interested in making your comeback, right? Well, I think it's important that you see something.

Sue Sylvester: Hate 'em. Hate hospitals, William. That's why I keep voting for those death panels.

Will Schuester: Sue, I know you. You crack jokes whenever you get uncomfortable.

Sue Sylvester: Not really joking, William. And you have a penchant for sappy scenarios set to music, so I demand to know where we're going.

Will Schuester: We're going to the pediatric cancer ward. No, no, no— once a month, I come down here, and I sing songs with some of the kids getting long-term care.

Sue Sylvester: Yep. No.

Will Schuester: No. Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Uh, William... I know what you're getting at. I have been selfish. Yes, I was ridiculed on the national stage, but you're right, that's nothing when you compare it to what many people have to deal with and come back from. I should be grateful. Well, congratulations, I've learned my lesson.

Will Schuester: Then let's celebrate. Let's sing with some kids. Look... you're right. You know, sometimes, Glee Club is a little silly. But we push through the weird to get to the real stuff. I mean, music can get at a part of us that-that's hard to open up to. But please... go there with me. I think it'll be good for you, Sue. No outfits, no jazz hands. Just... music.

Sue Sylvester: Fine. And William, I don't care how adorable those kids are, if I hear one song from that classic rock outfit Journey, I will start pulling catheters.

Will Schuester: Come on. Bailey? Hi, guys!

Bailey: Hi, Will.

Will Schuester: Oh, hey. My man. Hi.

Bailey: Oh, my God, you're Sue Sylvester. I just saw you on TV.

Sue Sylvester: Oh.

Bailey: Hey, guys. This lady was interviewed by Katie Couric.

Sue Sylvester: Holy sweet baby Jesus.

Bailey: What do you say, guys? You ready - to make some music?

Children: Yeah!

Will Schuester: Let's do this thing. Brought my special little guy with me.

Children: Yeah!

Will Schuester: All right! All right, and that's all there is to it. So, does everyone know their parts?

Children: Yes.

Will Schuester: Okay. Sue?

Sue Sylvester: My kids are going to mop the floor with your kids.

Will Schuester: Not a chance. All right, I'm going to sing the first two. And then you guys come in and join me, just like we practiced. All right?

Children: Okay.

Will Schuester: # This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #
# Hide it under a bushel. #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #

Children: # This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #

Will Schuester: Give yourselves a hand. All right. Good job.

Sue Sylvester: I'll never forgive you for this.

Will Schuester: Deal.

Santana Lopez: Look, Q, I know that we've had our differences, but I can't lie— that outfit is amazing on you.

Quinn Fabray: It looks good on everyone. Penny loafers and tights? Genius.

Santana Lopez: Outrageous. I mean, my carousel-horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler, but no, I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. You guys look amazing. Seriously. She's a genius and an icon.

Rachel Berry: Who is?

Quinn Fabray: Brittany. Who did you think?

Santana Lopez: Who knew that taking off that Cheerios uniform would turn her into a fashion institution?

Rachel Berry: Is-Is this a joke?

Santana Lopez: No. That sweater is. Who wears a reindeer sweater?

Rachel Berry: Uh, all three of you.

Tina Cohen-Chang: No, this is a carousel horse.

Quinn Fabray: If you want to know what to wear, just look to Brittany.

Rachel Berry: Look, she took the look from me, okay? I paid her.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a terrible liar, Rachel.

Quinn Fabray: I can't believe you would take this away from poor Brittany.

Santana Lopez: It's sad. You're just sad.

Rachel Berry: Hey! I need to talk to you. I want my money back.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I used it to pay a publicist.

Rachel Berry: What?

Brittany S. Pierce: Jacob Ben Israel posted a photo and this Web site called "The Sartorialist" named me the trendiest girl in America.

Rachel Berry: Brittany, I'm trying to stage a comeback here.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, but what exactly are you coming back from?

Rachel Berry: I...

Brittany S. Pierce: Listen, Rachel. I'm gonna give you some tough love right now. You're not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing, they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming. I'm really sorry, but I have to go. I have an interview with Teen Vogue.

Will Schuester: All right! Let's get right down to it. Starting us off and making her New Directions solo debut, Miss Lauren Zizes. Uh, so what are you going to sing for us, Lauren?

Lauren Zizes: Here's how I see it. I know I'm the hottest bitch in this joint. If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the rest of the world a finger, and this would be my national anthem.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Lauren Zizes: Puckerman, grab your guitar. Tina, Brittany, ready? Good. Awesome. Super cool. Okay. Two, three, four.
# I know what boys like
# I know what guys want
# I see them looking
# I make them want me
# I like to tease them
# I know what boys like, boys
# like, boys like me
# I see your sad now

Tina & Brittany: # I will let you

Lauren Zizes: # Sorry I teased you

Tina & Brittany: # I will let you

Lauren Zizes: # This time I mean it

Tina & Brittany: # I will let you

Lauren Zizes: # Anything you want

Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me

Lauren Zizes: # I really want to

Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me

Lauren Zizes: # How would you like it

Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me

Lauren Zizes: # SUCKER!
# Hmmmm
# I got my cat moves #
# That so upset them #
# Zippers and buttons #
# Fun to frustrate them #
# They get so angry #
# Like pouty children #
# Denied their candy #
# I laugh right at them #
# I know what boys like, boys
# like, boys like me

Noah Puckerman: How frickin' hot is she!

Sam Evans: This morning I woke up, and decided to swallow the sun. That's my James Earl Jones impression.

Santana Lopez: First of all, that is offensive; he shot Martin Luther King.

Sam Evans: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Santana Lopez: Okay, you know what? Let's just cut to the chase. Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is, like, way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake, every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork. Which is where I come in. I hereby offer my services as a mistress. I wants on them froggy lips, and I wants on 'em now.

Sam Evans: But I'm dating Quinn.

Santana Lopez: And this just in, she cheated on you.

Sam Evans: No, she didn't.

Santana Lopez: Look, I know you're as dumb as a bag of wet hair, but you know in your heart she's lying. That gumball story was insane. You're choosing to believe it so you can still be with her. But consider my offer. Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can't mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python, but because you have some buzz at this school. Think about it.

Sue Sylvester: Will, you have a problem.

Will Schuester: You?

Sue Sylvester: No. Your Glee kids. They have no comprehension skills. Your assignment was anthems, and I'll be damned as your hairdresser if any 'em sung a single one.

Will Schuester: Sue, are you trying to tell me that you want to perform an anthem?

Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll admit that your little field trip to the house was sad; inspired me a bit. But I'm not gonna go it alone— the whole crew has to sing it with me. And here's the catch: no more Bieber, no hoodies, no pocket Lesbian Bieber hair.

Will Schuester: Well, that can be arranged. What's your song?

Rachel Berry: # Sing it out #
# Boy you've got to see what tomorrow brings #

Finn Hudson: # Sing it out #
# Girl you've got to be what tomorrow needs #

Rachel Berry: # For every time that they want to count you out #

Finn Hudson: # And use your voice #

Rachel Berry: # Uhhh #

Finn Hudson: # Every single time #

Finn & Rachel: # You open up your mouth #

New Directions: # Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls #
# Every time that you lose it sing it for the world #
# Sing it from the heart #
# Sing it 'til you're nuts #
# Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts #
# Sing it for the deaf #
# Sing it for the blind #
# Sing about everyone that you left behind #
# Sing it for the world, sing it for the world #
# Cleaned-up, corporation progress #
# Dying in the process #
# Buy yourself the motivation #
# Generation nothing, #
# Nothing but a dead scene #
# Product of a white dream #
# I am not the singer that you wanted, but a dancer #
# I refuse to answer, talk about the past, sir #
# Wrote it for the ones who want to get away #

Finn Hudson: # Keep running! #

New Directions: # Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls #
# Every time that you lose it sing it for the world #
# Sing it from the heart #
# Sing it 'til you're nuts #
# Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts #
# Sing it for the deaf #
# Sing it for the blind #
# Sing about everyone that you left behind #
# Sing it for the world, sing it for the world #

Rachel Berry: # We’ve got to see what tomorrow brings #

New Directions: # Sing it for the world #
# Sing it for the world #

Rachel Berry: # Boy you've got to be what tomorrow needs #

New Directions: # Sing it for the world #
# Sing it for the world #

Will Schuester: Yeah!

Quinn Fabray: Hey. Do you think I could borrow one of your T-shirts to use as a smock tonight, at Color Me Mine? Kind of have a thing for wearing my boyfriend's shirts.

Sam Evans: We're not going to Color Me Mine. And I'm not your boyfriend.

Quinn Fabray: Wait... Why?

Sam Evans: Because you can't look me in the eye right now and tell me that you didn't make out with Finn.

Quinn Fabray: I want to be with you, Sam.

Sam Evans: Forget it, okay? No harm, no foul. Oel ngati kameie. Crap. Santana told me to stop speaking Na'vi.

Quinn Fabray: Since when is Santana telling you what to do?

Sam Evans: Since we started going out.

Mercedes Jones: When did that happen?

Will Schuester: All right, I hate to say it, but I think we all owe Sue a big thank-you. She may hate us, but she did give us a kick-butt song for Regionals.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, she did!

Will Schuester: That's right.

Mercedes Jones: That's right.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I think that our admiration for Coach Sylvester might just be a little premature. While I love My Ehemical Romance and I think we all kicked butt on that number, as our team leader and arbiter of all that is good, I... I have to say that I don't think that that song is good enough for Regionals. The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their, like, one-two punch, and Aural Intensity kicked our butt last year. We can't just do any song to beat either of those teams.

Mercedes Jones: You mean a number where you don't get to sing the entire song.

Rachel Berry: Guys, this isn't about me.

Will Schuester: What do you suggest, Rachel?

Rachel Berry: We need to need to be bold and epic. We need to write our own original music for Regionals. We need an undisputable advantage.

Santana Lopez: Check out Dwarf Diane Warren.

Rachel Berry: Look, we can't lose Regionals again this year, you guys. Okay? You have to trust me. I feel really, really strongly about this.

Will Schuester: Let's put it to a vote. Okay, Rachel? All those in favor of doing an original song. Chemical Romance?

Sue Sylvester: Hey, there, buddy.

Will Schuester: Sue! You know, I have to be honest, we missed you in here today. Oddly, you're, uh, kind of a fun addition.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, well, Charles Manson would have been a fun addition to your pack of losers.

Will Schuester: Well, looks like you're back to your old self.

Sue Sylvester: Ah, hardly. I'm on my way to becoming someone much better. And you've inspired me, Will. You've made me realize I have more to offer the world than coming up with spectacular, life-threatening cheerleading tumbles. I got the music in me.

Will Schuester: Sue, that is great. I mean, with that attitude, you are welcome in here anytime.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I couldn't do that; it'd be spying on the competition.

Will Schuester: What?

Sue Sylvester: No one told you? I got a part-time gig. Yeah, I'm the new coach for Aural Intensity.

Will Schuester: That's impossible.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, nothing's impossible, Will, when you have a positive attitude. You taught me that. Isn't it great? Geez, I got my mojo back, still get to dedicate my life to destroying yours. Life's good. See you at Regionals.

Rachel Berry: You must be happy.

Finn Hudson: Why is that?

Rachel Berry: Quinn is back on the market. She'll be easy pickings after what Sam did to her.

Finn Hudson: I don't want to talk about Quinn. I want to talk about you. You were right in there today about that number not being good enough to win. We need to write our own songs.

Rachel Berry: Why didn't you say that when I needed you?

Finn Hudson: It wouldn't have made a difference. The only way to prove it to those guys is to write a great song and shove it down their throats.

Rachel Berry: Well, do you think that you and I should do it together?

Finn Hudson: No, I think you should do it yourself. Let's face it, you're the real trendsetter in there, and... if someone was gonna write a song to win Regionals, it would be you.

Rachel Berry: Do you really believe in me that much?

Finn Hudson: More. You know... I really like the Rachel that I saw in there today. Reminded me of the old you. Focused and take no prisoners. I think she might be making a comeback.

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Quinn was dating Sam, but then she kissed Finn, so Santana told Sam, and now they've started dating.

Santana Lopez: You are Biebalicious.

Ian Brennan: Will's not dating anyone and says he's over Emma, but it seems like he's still got a thing for her, even though she's married. Kurt's really into Blaine, and Blaine likes Kurt, but he says he just wants to stay friends. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: Figgins, you wanted to see me?

Principal Figgins: William, we have an epidemic on our hands.

Will Schuester: Head lice?

Principal Figgins: Worse. Giggle juice.

Will Schuester: I-I'm sorry. What?

Principal Figgins: Alcohol, William. The wet devil. Our children are so brazen, they are showing up to school wasted. And not wasted on learning, Will. Wasted on booze. Why, just this week, we've had five suspensions for intoxication on school grounds.

Drunk Kid: Figgins! You rock! Yeah, man!

Principal Figgins: Six suspensions.

Will Schuester: I-I don't get it. Drinking's never been a problem at this school.

Principal Figgins: That's because there are new alcoholic beverages targeted to kids, Will. Just listen to the radio. Pop music now glorifies binge drinking. Just listen to any hit by pop sensation Ke-dollar-sign-ha.

Will Schuester: Oh. You-You mean Ke$ha?

Principal Figgins: We must do something to protect our children, Will.

Will Schuester: I-I totally agree. How-How can I help?

Principal Figgins: I have decided to make this week Alcohol Awareness Week at McKinley. I have contacted Kitty Dukakis, who will be the guest speaker at an assembly where your Glee Club will perform a song highlighting the dangers of teenage drinking. Can I count on you, William?

Will Schuester: Emma?

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Will Schuester: Enough with us not being friends. Look, I heard through the grapevine that you and Carl started looking for a tract house together, and I just wanted to say that I'm genuinely happy for you.

Emma Pillsbury: Thank you. That's really sweet.

Will Schuester: Two-slicer.

Emma Pillsbury: Do you want to catch up?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Sure.

Emma Pillsbury: How have you been?

Will Schuester: Busy. Yeah. Glee Club's gearing up for Regionals...

Emma Pillsbury: I, um, love hearing about the Glee Club, but I'm actually more interested in you. You know, how you're doing.

Will Schuester: Me? Uh...

Emma Pillsbury: Are you dating anybody?

Will Schuester: No.

Emma Pillsbury: No? Maybe you should.

Sue Sylvester: You know, Ella, I think Will should really concentrate on his treatment before he tries another relationship with an early hominid, even a human female.

Will Schuester: Treatment?

Sue Sylvester: Alcoholics Anonymous, Will. I suggest you pre-emptively check into rehab, as you are a future alcoholic. I mean, come on. Look where you are. You're coaching a Glee Club that can only beat choirs of old people. You're rehashing the details of your failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances. And when my Glee Club crushes you at Regionals, well, the last ounce of meaning will drain from your life, and you will turn to drink.

Emma Pillsbury: I don't get it. How is it that you're now coaching a Glee Club?

Sue Sylvester: I was so inspired by my stint in the Glee Club, that I took the trip to Westvale, and I volunteered my help. Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual who coaches Aural Intensity had a terrible fall down the stairs.

Rick Denham: I'm okay. Don't worry.

Sue Sylvester: Not to be alarmed. Doctors say he will be fine. Provided they can get the swelling in his brain under control.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, sorry. I still don't understand. How can the school let you coach Aural Intensity?

Sue Sylvester: Newsflash, Amelda. There's no one lining up to coach Glee Clubs because it's a sucky job for losers. But there was an opening, and I am a champion. Oh, Will. Here's the book by Bill W., outlining the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't wait for you to start climbing those steps, because when you get to the top, I'm gonna knock you back down.

Noah Puckerman: What's up, my hot, little Jewish-American Princess?

Rachel Berry: What do you want, Puckerman?

Noah Puckerman: Well, word on the street is that your dads are out of town, and you're all alone in your house.

Rachel Berry: They are on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise. Was that... Who told you that?

Noah Puckerman: This is the kind of information a guy like me tends to know. So, uh, party this Saturday? I'll bring the beer ball. That's a mini-keg.

Rachel Berry: Forget it.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, come on. Just the Glee kids. We're losing our minds, all stressed about Sectionals and stuff.

Rachel Berry: Regionals. Besides, you just want a place to have sex and get drunk.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah. There's a word for that. A party.

Rachel Berry: No. No. No. My-My-My dads, they left me alone in my house because they trusted me to be responsible.

Noah Puckerman: They left you alone 'cause you suck and are a total bore.

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Noah Puckerman: Yo.

Finn Hudson: How's the song- writing going?

Rachel Berry: Hey. It's going amazing. I think I might have a really big hit here, which is why I wanted you to come by. I-I want you to hear it.

Finn Hudson: Oh. Yeah. Cool.

Rachel Berry: Come here.

Finn Hudson: What was that for?

Rachel Berry: To break the tension. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn. It's silly for us to pretend like we aren't comfortable around each other.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Totally.

Rachel Berry: And I know that we have some unresolved feelings, but like my two new role models Carole King and Gerry Goffin, I think it's important that we just put them aside and stay focused on our mission which is just to write an amazing song to win Regionals with.

Finn Hudson: Well, I have no idea who those people are, but I'm on board. Let's hear it.

Rachel Berry: Okay. It's just... It's a little rough, but, uh... I think it's really special, so...
# There you rest #
# With all the rest #
# Of my accessories on my night stand #
# You're red or yellow #
# And like a good fellow #
# Sometimes you get lost in my mess #
# But when schoolgirl pigtails won't do, #
# And I need to control my 'do, #
# You're the only one I can count on #
# My headband #
# You're my headband #
# Wrapped right around my melon #
# You're a product like Magellan.... #

Finn Hudson: Hold... Hold on. Uh... Is this song about your headband?

Rachel Berry: Yes. It's called, "My Headband."

Finn Hudson: Right.

Rachel Berry: They say you should write about what you know.

Finn Hudson: Well, uh... It's really... interesting, but it's not... emotional or, like, good.

Rachel Berry: It sucks.

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: How am I supposed to write a song like Joni Mitchell or Carole King? They've lived.

Finn Hudson: Well, maybe if you want to be an artist like them, you should do a little living.

Rachel Berry: You're so right. I mean, even now, it-it's Alcohol Awareness Week, and we're supposed to sing songs about the dangers of drinking, and I've never even had a drink.

Finn Hudson: Wait, seriously? That's why I never got past second base. Wait. Where are you going?

Rachel Berry: To find Puckerman. You know, my journey from little princess to natural woman begins this Saturday night at my house.

Santana Lopez: That sounds awful. Is anybody going?

Brittany S. Pierce: Let me find out. Did you hear?

Artie Abrams: Yes. Mercedes just told me.

Mercedes Jones: Tell them I'll go if they go.

Artie Abrams: Tell them yourself. I ain't no pony express.

Mercedes Jones: You're going, right?

Santana Lopez: Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober.

Brittany S. Pierce: But it's Alcohol Awareness Week.

Santana Lopez: Precisely. And I am aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman.

Noah Puckerman: You're go for Puck.

Santana Lopez: Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friend score us some wine coolers?

Noah Puckerman: No, but his I.D. can.

Mercedes Jones: Well, if we're all in, it's settled. The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is officially a go.

Rachel Berry: Welcome. Kurt. Blaine. I wasn't expecting you guys.

Finn Hudson: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. He kind of insisted on coming.

Blaine Anderson: I'm totally off the clock right now, Rachel. I'm not a Warbler. I'm just Blaine. I'm not even wearing my uniform.

Kurt Hummel: So, this is your dads' Oscar Room.

Rachel Berry: Yes. They transformed our ordinary basement for our famous annual Oscar parties.

Blaine Anderson: Is that a stage?

Rachel Berry: I like to give impromptu performances for our neighbors sometimes. Hey, girlfriend. Having fun?

Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Awesome party.

Rachel Berry: Uh, okay. Let's, uh... Let's go over the rules. Everybody gets two drink tickets to keep things from getting out of hand. We're serving wine coolers today. That is our specialty drink. That's actually all that we have. Brittany! Remember the rules. No sitting on anything. Okay. Okay, everybody. Cheers!

Artie Abrams: Great party, Rachel. We got to run.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, dinner reservations.

Rachel Berry: But, but, but we haven't even played Celebrity yet. I... Why is everybody leaving?

Finn Hudson: Because this party blows.

Rachel Berry: I haven't even had my first sip yet. How am I supposed to write "Both Sides Now" if I can't even throw a party?

Noah Puckerman: Look, if you want everyone to stay, you have to let me break into your dads' liquor cabinet. No one's gonna get buzzed off two wine coolers. I'll replace it before they get home.

Rachel Berry: Let's party!

Far East Movement: # Poppin' bottles in the ice #
# Like a blizzard #
# Now I'm feeling so fly #
# Like a G6 #

Mike Chang: Let's go!

Far East Movement: # Like a G6 #
# Like a G6 #
# Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6 #
# Give me that Mo-Moet-et #
# Give me that Cri-Cristal-tal #

Noah & Zizes: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Far East Movement: # Ladies love my style #
# My table getting wild, get get get them bottles poppin' #
# We get that drip and that drop #

Rachel Berry: It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink!

Far East Movement: # Sober girls around me #
# They be acting like they drunk #
# They be acting like they drunk #
# Acting, acting like they drunk, with sober girls #

Kurt Hummel: Are you not drinking?

Finn Hudson: No. Designated driver. What about you?

Kurt Hummel: I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. Clearly, he doesn't have the same concern.

Blaine Anderson: Hey! It is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Right? Like, brothers! Wow! You're so tall.

Kurt Hummel: You having fun, Blaine?

Blaine Anderson: Yeah. This is the best party ever!

Rachel Berry: Finny. Dance with me.

Far East Movement: # Fly like a G6 #

Rachel Berry: We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I would do anything for you. Anything!

Finn Hudson: Okay, Rachel. Since this is your first time at this...

Rachel Berry: Sit down?

Finn Hudson: I'm going to break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A— Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

Santana Lopez: You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit it. Just admit it! No. Kiss me.

Finn Hudson: Lauren Zizes and Quinn— the anger girl drunks.

Quinn Fabray: I can't believe what you did to my body. I used to have abs.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, back off!

Lauren Zizes: Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?

Noah Puckerman: Chill out!

Finn Hudson: Brittany, also known as the girl who turns into a stripper drunk.

Artie Abrams: Makin' it rain! Whoo! That's my girlfriend. I love you, baby.

Finn Hudson: Mercedes and Tina— happy girl drunks.

Mike Chang: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Finn Hudson: And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now, you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.

Far East Movement: # Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6... #

Rachel Berry: What-What kind of girl is this?

Far East Movement: # Now-Now-Now-Now-Now-Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6... #

Rachel Berry: Let's play spin the bottle! Who wants to play spin the bottle? Spin the bottle.

Far East Movement: # Feelin' so fly like a G6. #

Santana Lopez: You know what? A reminder. I owns that guppy mouth. Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me. So... You know what this is not? Hey, honeys. It's not a Big Red commercial. No me gusta.

Rachel Berry: Whoo! Party! It's my turn! My turn! Oh!

Kurt Hummel: Oh! This is outstanding!

Rachel Berry: Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world.

All: Yeah! Oh! Deep! Deep! More! More! More! More! More! More!

Josie Cotton: # Johnny, are you queer, boy? #
# Johnny, are you queer... #

Kurt Hummel: Okay, I think we've had enough of that.

All: Yeah!

Rachel Berry: Your face... tastes awesome. I think I just found a new duet partner!

Blaine Anderson: # You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, #
# When I met you. #
# I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around, #
# Turned you into someone new. #
# Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I can't believe it #
# When I hear that you won't see me #
# Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I don't believe it #
# When you say that you don't need me #

Rachel & Blaine: # It's much too late to find. #
# You think you've changed your mind. #
# You'd better change it back, or we will both be sorry. #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
# Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
# Don't you want me, ohh #

Rachel Berry: # I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. #
# That much is true, #
# But even then I knew I'd find a much better place #
# Either with or without you. #

Rachel & Blaine: # Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I can't believe it #
# When you say that you don't need me. #
# It's much too late to find. #
# When you think you've changed your mind, #
# You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry #
# Don't you want me, baby? #

Santana Lopez: I want you. I do. #

Rachel & Blaine: # Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #

Blaine Anderson: # Ohh #

Rachel & Blaine: # Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #

Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt, come give me a hand with these eggs.

Kurt Hummel: I'll be down in a minute!

Burt Hummel: What the hell is a shirred egg? Is that... Is that the same thing as a scrambled egg? Hey, what's this? Today was the day you were going to teach me all about brunch.

Kurt Hummel: I'll be down in a sec.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, where am I?

Burt Hummel: Oh. Uh, I'm sorry. My bad.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I need to close my locker, and it's going to sound like a gunshot.

Mercedes Jones: I have had the worst hangover since Saturday, and it's Monday.

Santana Lopez: I've been dry-heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was, I said that I was practicing bird calls.

Mike Chang: You guys, I can't stop barfing.

Mercedes Jones: Please don't say "barf."

Santana Lopez: I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girls' bathroom.

Mike Chang: I told my mom I had the flu, and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Can we talk about anything else?

Artie Abrams: How about some Bloody Marys, y'all?

Mercedes Jones: Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is drink.

Artie Abrams: It'll help your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit your ass.
# Blame it on the goose, #
# Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Eh, she say she usually don't #
# But I know that she front #
# Cause shawty know what she want #
# But she don't wanna seem like she's easy. #

Noah Puckerman: # I ain't saying what you won't do #
# But you know we probably gonna do #
# What you been feelin' deep insi-i-ide #
# Don't li-i-i.e. now #

Mercedes Jones: # Boy what you drinking? #
# Gonna let sink in #
# Here for the weekend #
# Thinking #
# We can #
# See where we can be if we press fast forward #

Santana Lopez: # Ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # Just one more round and you're down, I know it #

Santana Lopez: # Ooh yeah, yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Fill another cup up #
# Feeling on your butt what? #
# You don't even care now #
# I was unaware how #
# Fine you was before my buzz set in #

Mercedes Jones: # My buzz set in #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the goose, #

Mercedes Jones: # Blame it on the goose #

Artie Abrams: # Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #

Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #

Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #

Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the vodka, #

New Directions: # Hey #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the henny. #

New Directions: # Hey #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the blue top, #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Got you feeling dizzy. #

New Directions: # Hey #

Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #

Mercedes & Artie: # Now to the ballas poppin' bottles #
# With their henny in their cups #
# Screaming money ain't a thing #
# If you ain't throw it up #

Artie Abrams: # In the sky #

Mercedes Jones: # In the sky #

Artie Abrams: # And hold your drinks up high #

Mercedes Jones: # Up high #

Noah & Santana: # To my independent mamas #
# Who can buy their own bottles #
# If you looking like a model #
# When them broke fellas holla #

Artie Abrams: # Tell them bye #

Mercedes Jones: # Buh-bye #

Artie Abrams: # Hold your drinks up high #

Mercedes Jones: # High #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the goose, #
# Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #

Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #

Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the vodka, #

New Directions: # Hey #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the henny. #

New Directions: # Hey #

Mercedes & Artie: # Blame it on the blue top, #

New Directions: # Hey #

Mercedes & Artie: # Got you feeling dizzy. #

New Directions: # Hey #

Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #

Mercedes & Artie: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #

Will Schuester: Well done, you guys. I mean, you always bring it with the singing and the dancing, but what I was really impressed with today was your acting. I truly thought that some of you guys were drunk.

Artie Abrams: We take our craft serious.

Will Schuester: Problem is, that song is great, but it-it kind of glorifies drinking, don't you think? We're supposed to sing about the dangers of alcohol for this assembly.

Mercedes Jones: Well, good luck finding a song that does that.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue? First of all, that vest is very cute. You are all kinds of awesome. But second, maybe there's really no songs about the dangers of drinking because there's really none as long as you have a proper designated driver. I ever told you how great you are?

Mike Chang: Whoa.

Will Schuester: Well, Rachel, yeah. Driving drunk is dangerous. And have you guys ever heard of alcohol poisoning? Yeah, it kills about 400 people every year. Uh... Santana, are you... are you crying?

Santana Lopez: I'm okay. I'm okay.

Quinn Fabray: You're such a hypocrite. You drink. Most adults do.

Will Schuester: Well, I may have a beer every now and then, but I don't... I don't get drunk.

Noah Puckerman: We're just saying this is a waste of time. I mean, we're totally aware of alcohol. We see adults drinking it and having fun. Every commercial during NASCAR is for beer.

Will Schuester: Okay. Enough, guys. Look, tomorrow come with your thinking caps on, because we're going to spend the entire day brainstorming ideas for songs to sing at this assembly.

Will Schuester: Am I out of touch? I mean, I used to drink a lot more when I was their age. Most of the time it was just to deal with Terri, but I mean, who am I to tell them not to drink when I blacked out a couple of times when I was their age, and I ended up okay?

Shannon Beiste: You're taking this way too hard. Something else going on?

Will Schuester: Let's see. Um... my divorce is starting to really sink in. Sue's coaching my competition at Regionals. And Emma is looking for a house with her husband.

Shannon Beiste: Is that all? What do you do for stress relief?

Will Schuester: Exercise.

Shannon Beiste: Well, me, too, but that's a little too close to being productive. You got to get a little ridiculous, man, burn off some of that angst.

Will Schuester: You have any suggestions?

Shannon Beiste: Tomorrow night, you're tagging along with me for my stress relief. We're going to a little place they call Rosalita's Roadhouse.

Will Schuester: Isn't that like a honky-tonk bar?

Shannon Beiste: You ain't lived till you've seen me in a... cowboy hat!

Carol King: # So far away #
# Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? #

Blaine Anderson: I didn't drink that much.

Kurt Hummel: Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God. Speak of the devil.

Barista: Two medium drips.

Blaine Anderson: Hi, Rachel. Kurt and I were just talking about you.

Rachel Berry: You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants. So... I have a question for you. I wanted to know...

Kurt Hummel: Is she drunk?

Blaine Anderson: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Uh, yeah. Uh-huh. All right, I'll see you then. Okay, bye. Rachel just asked me out.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, that's amazing. She's got a girl crush on you. Wait a second. Why'd you say yes? You can't lead her on.

Blaine Anderson: Who says I'm leading her on?

Kurt Hummel: You can't be serious.

Blaine Anderson: When we kissed, it... it felt good.

Kurt Hummel: It felt good because you were drunk.

Blaine Anderson: What's the harm in going out on one crummy little date?

Kurt Hummel: You're gay, Blaine!

Blaine Anderson: I... thought I was, but... I've never even had a boyfriend before. Isn't this the time you're supposed to... figure stuff out?

Kurt Hummel: I can't believe that I'm hearing this right now.

Blaine Anderson: Maybe I'm bi. I don't know.

Kurt Hummel: Bisexual's a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.

Blaine Anderson: Whoa, wait, wait. Why are you so angry?

Kurt Hummel: Because I look up to you. I admire how proud you are of who you are. I know what it's like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in.

Blaine Anderson: I'm really sorry if this hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever, but however confusing it might be for you, it's actually a lot more confusing for me. You're 100% sure who you are. Fantastic. Well... maybe we all can't be so lucky.

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I have... I've had a lot of luck, Blaine. I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me.

Blaine Anderson: And why did he do that?

Kurt Hummel: Because he didn't like who I was.

Blaine Anderson: Sort of exactly what you're saying to me right now. Isn't it? I am... I'm searching, okay? I am honestly just trying to figure out who I am, and for you, of all people, to get down on me for that, I didn't think that's who you were. I'll see you. I'd say "bye," but I wouldn't want to make you angry.

Jerrod Niemann: # Last night I #
# Went to town #
# Hit every bar around #
# A hundred bottles of beer on the wall #
# I thought I could drink 'em all... #

Will Schuester: Whoo!

Guitarist: I wanna welcome everybody to Rosalita's Roadhouse, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous. A, uh, special warm welcome to Will Schuester, joining us here for the first time tonight. My friend Shannon the Cannon here tells me Will wants to hop up on stage and sing us a song. Come on up here, cowboy.

All: Whoo!

Will Schuester: I hate you for this. You know, you know, I-I am not singing anything without my gal here. Come on, bring her a microphone, bring her a microphone.
# I wanna tell you a story #
# About the house-man blues #
# I come home on Friday #
# Had to tell the landlady I’d-a lost my job #

Shannon Beiste: # Uh um #
# She said, that don’t confront me, #
# Long as I get my money next Friday #

Will Schuester: # Now next Friday come I didn’t get the rent #
# And out the door I went #

Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #

Will Schuester: # Well I ain’t seen my baby since I don’t know when, #
# I’ve been drinking bourbon, whiskey, scotch and gin #
# Gonna get high man I’m gonna get loose, #
# Need me a triple shot of that juice #
# Gonna get drunk don’t you have no fear #
# I want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer #

Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer, HAH! #

Shannon Beiste: # I ain’t seen my baby since the night before last #
# Gotta get a drink man I’m gonna get gassed #
# Gonna get high man I ain’t had enough #
# Need me a triple shot of that stuff #
# Gonna get drunk won’t you listen right here #
# I want one bourbon, one shot and one beer #

Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #

Will Schuester: # I want all that! #

Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #

Will Schuester: Whoo!

Shannon Beiste: Yeah, baby!

Will Schuester: Drinks on me!

Rachel Berry: Thanks for helping with the party cleanup. Especially considering that you didn't even drink.

Kurt Hummel: Well, I was in the neighborhood.

Rachel Berry: At 10:00? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?

Kurt Hummel: Oh, was that tonight?

Rachel Berry: Look, we're friends, so... I'm gonna be honest with you. The date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters.

Kurt Hummel: That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?

Rachel Berry: No. Our lips spent the evening mouthing Ali McGraw's dialogue. Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but... I guess the timing just wasn't right.

Kurt Hummel: Or the blood-alcohol level.

Rachel Berry: Look... I know that you have feelings for him, and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted, and if he turns out not to be gay, well, then I guess I will have done you a favor.

Kurt Hummel: And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only thmost flaming of homosexuals.

Rachel Berry: Blaine and I have a lot in common.

Kurt Hummel: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger— I don't dispute that— but there's something you and Blaine'll never have... and that's chemistry.

Rachel Berry: Fine. Then I'm gonna prove you wrong. I'm gonna take the beer goggles off, and I'm gonna kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there, then I'm taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie.

Shannon Beiste: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, easy, partner.

Will Schuester: Can I get you something to drink?

Shannon Beiste: Oh, no, no, no, no. Taxi's waiting.

Will Schuester: All right. H-H-How are you not drunk? We drank exactly the same amount.

Shannon Beiste: I got a hollow leg.

Will Schuester: You got a hollow leg!

Shannon Beiste: You gonna be okay?

Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Shannon Beiste: Yeah?

Will Schuester: I just... just got to grade some papers and... I'm still looking for a song for the kids to sing at the Alcohol Awareness Assembly.

Shannon Beiste: Oh...

Will Schuester: Yes, uh... The kids want to sing a Ke$ha song... but, uh, it just makes drinking seem like a lot of fun.

Shannon Beiste: Sometimes it is fun.

Will Schuester: Exactly. Like tonight. That's the most fun I've had in a really long time. I mean, we were careful.

Shannon Beiste: Mm-hmm.

Will Schuester: We didn't drive.

Shannon Beiste: Mm, yeah.

Will Schuester: What's wrong with that?

Shannon Beiste: Nothin'.

Will Schuester: Nothin's wrong with that.

Shannon Beiste: Except we're not teenagers anymore, Will. You know? The way I see it, you can't just lecture kids. I mean, we can't stop them from drinking if that's what they're gonna do. I mean, the best we can do is make them aware of the dangers and just... hope they're smart enough to make a good decision on their own. Nut. All right, buddy, I'm out of here.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Shannon Beiste: Don't get up.

Will Schuester: I'm not...

Shannon Beiste: All right, hey.

Will Schuester: Yes?

Shannon Beiste: You just make sure you drink lots of water. Okay?

Will Schuester: Mwa!

Shannon Beiste: I love you.

Will Schuester: Right back at you.

Will Schuester: Yay, happy face. Okay. That was a valiant effort. You get a A-plus. That's how I roll. I don't even know who you are. Oh, what the hell? Hey, there... sexy lady. I know it's late. And... I know you're taken, and I've had a couple drinks, but... there's something I r-really, really want to say to you.

Principal Figgins: William! Can't wait to see what your New Directions are planning for the assembly. I know we've had issues with your kids performing in front of the school, but I have a really good feeling about this one.

Will Schuester: Why are you screaming?

Principal Figgins: I'm not screaming. Are you okay?

Will Schuester: Oh... wow, your cologne is just really strong.

Principal Figgins: It's Drakar Noir!

Emma Pillsbury: Hey.

Will Schuester: Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: Ooh... Will, you look terrible.

Will Schuester: Considering how much I drank, I think I'm lucky to be alive. Although I kind of wish I was dead. I am so embarrassed.

Emma Pillsbury: Why? I mean, besides the fact that you drank like a frat boy and you're well into your 30's.

Will Schuester: Please don't make me say it.

Emma Pillsbury: Sorry?

Will Schuester: I don't even remember half the things I said to you.

Emma Pillsbury: I-I'm not following.

Will Schuester: I-I drunk-dialed you last night.

Emma Pillsbury: No, you didn't. I mean, I didn't get a single message. What would you have said that you'd be embarrassed about?

Will Schuester: Nothing. I-I-I... This must have been a really elaborate, uh, booze dream, yeah.

Sue Sylvester: It's time, Will. I've arranged to have you committed for 48 hours, and it's not gonna be easy. Those state institutions tend to turn the fire hose on patients going through the D.T.'s, but at this point, I have no other option but a forced intervention.

Will Schuester: Sue, I do not have a drinking problem.

Sue Sylvester: Really? Then what's with the Corey Hart imitation? Will, I'm trying to save you.

Will Schuester: Why? All you ever want to do is destroy me.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, it's kind of like nursing a P.O.W. back to health so he's at his strongest when you torture him to death. All right, Will, you had your chance to do this the easy way.

Kurt Hummel: Souffle is all about the whites. If you get yolk in it or you don't let it stiffen properly then you might as well be making pancakes.

Burt Hummel: All right. You think the one we already made is ready yet?

Kurt Hummel: I hope so.

Burt Hummel: All right, let's check it out. Here we go. Ta-da.

Kurt Hummel: You didn't leave enough room in the dish to let it rise.

Burt Hummel: Hey, I'm sorry— why are you being so hard on me? I would've been happy with you teaching me to make toast.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Dad, I know this is supposed to be bonding time, but... it's Blaine. He's interested... in Rachel.

Burt Hummel: I'm confused; I thought he was gay, too.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, he is, he is. He's just... experimenting.

Burt Hummel: Yeah. He's not the only one.

Kurt Hummel: What does that mean?

Burt Hummel: Look, I need you to ask me before you have someone sleep over.

Kurt Hummel: We-we were fullylothed the entire time, and Blaine was too drunk to drive, so I let him crash here. I was being responsible.

Burt Hummel: Wait a minute, you kids are drinking now?

Kurt Hummel: Finn and I didn't have any. If that's what you're worried about.

Burt Hummel: No. I'm worried about you being inappropriate in my house.

Kurt Hummel: And if Puckerman had a sleepover with Finn, would that be inappropriate?

Burt Hummel: That's different.

Kurt Hummel: Because they wouldn't have sex?

Burt Hummel: No, I would never allow Finn to have a girl sleep over in his bed.

Kurt Hummel: But would it make you uncomfortable if he did?

Burt Hummel: Hey, when have I been uncomfortable with you being gay?

Kurt Hummel: So it's not being gay that upsets you, it's just me acting on it.

Burt Hummel: I don't know what two guys do when they're together. You know, I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.

Kurt Hummel: Okay. What do you want from me here, Dad? I...

Burt Hummel: I want you to apologize for being inappropriate and promise me you'll never do it again.

Kurt Hummel: Fine. I'm sorry. I won't have sleepovers with anyone that might be gay without asking you first.

Burt Hummel: Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: But maybe you could step outside your comfort zone and educate yourself, so if I have any questions, I could go to my dad, like any straight son could.

Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. I would like to wish you and yours a healthy and happy Alcohol Awareness Week. Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest, but Lima Police Chief Lawrence Krowley is here to show you a grisly slideshow of auto accidents. Take it away, Chief.

Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her music justice.

Sam Evans: We haven't had enough rehearsal.

Mercedes Jones: Or any at all.

Finn Hudson: And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.

Rachel Berry: Never fear, teammates. Now, it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dads' liquor cabinet. There's some brandy and vermouth and port wine and scotch in here, and also a little bit of Kool-Aid and some crumbled-up Oreos.

Santana Lopez: Oh, my God. This tastes like cough syrup.

Rachel Berry: There's also cough syrup.

Brittany S. Pierce: Cheers.

Rachel Berry: To Ke$ha.

Quinn Fabray: Cheers.

Brittany S. Pierce: Ke$ha.

Principal Figgins: Thank you, Chief. And now, performing the hit single, "Tik and also Tok" by rapper Ke-dollar-sign-ha, the New Directions.

Brittany S. Pierce: # Wake up in the morning, feelin' like P. Diddy #

Artie Abrams: # Hey, what up girl? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city #

Artie Abrams: # Let's go! #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack #
# 'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back #
# I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes #
# Tryin' on all our clothes, clothes #
# Boys blowing up our phones, phones #
# Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs #
# Pulling up to the parties #
# Trying to get a little bit tipsy #
# Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# 'Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
# Oh, woah, who, oh oh, woah, who, oh #
# Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# 'Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
I don't feel good.

Rachel Berry: Power through it!

Brittany S. Pierce: # Oh, woah, oh, oh #
# You build me up #
# You break me down #
# My heart, it pounds #
# Yeah, you got me #
# With my hands up #
# You got me now #
# You got that sound #
# Yeah, you got me #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, ohh #

Brittany S. Pierce: # You build me up #

Mercedes & Brittany: # You break me down #

Brittany S. Pierce: # My heart, it pounds #
# Yeah, you got me #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, ohh #

Brittany S. Pierce: # With my hands up #
# Put your hands up #
# Put your hands up #
# Now the party don't start 'til I walk in #

Mercedes & Brittany: # Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
# Oh, woah, oh, oh #
Oh, my God. Everybody, drink responsibly.

Becky Jackson: Heads up, McKinley. Coach Sylvester's gonna shout at ya.

Sue Sylvester: Students, colleagues, indeed, all who understand the Queen's English... we all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly by a Glee Club spiraling out of control. My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit. And there is, simply, but one person to blame. The alcoholic teen-vomit fetishist Will Schuester, the director of that club. Two days ago, I received a drunk dial in the middle of the night from a horny Will Schuester.

Will Schuester: Oh, no.

Sue Sylvester: Open your ears, McKinley High, and behold the awful price of alcoholism.

Will Schuester: Hey there, sexy lady. There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves, and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers, and come over here? And it'll be just one night of us just getting crazy. Let's just get crazy! Let's get really crazy and roll around in the hay. I was just in some hay earlier tonight, and I rode a bull and I was thinking of you.

Sue Sylvester: Will Schuester? You've just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery, it's the very first step.

Noah Puckerman: Probably gonna get suspended.

Will Schuester: I think you'll definitely get suspended. You'll probably all get suspended.

Santana Lopez: Oh, you're one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-ton.

Principal Figgins: William? Glee Club? I have one word for you. Congratulations. Those special effects at the assembly really paid off! I had no idea what brilliant musical comedy performers you all have become. The kids at this school are scared straight. Today is the first day in a month without a single act of public drunkenness at McKinley High! And as a thank you, here are coupons for half-off frozen yogurt. Yum. William, I do think you need to see someone about your sex and love addiction. I've talked to my pastor about you, and he's willing to meet you at your earliest convenience.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Principal Figgins: Okay. Achievement!

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm torn. Part of me never wants to drink again because it made me so sick, but if it weren't for drinking, the assembly would have been a disaster.

Rachel Berry: I, for one, am never drinking again. Being thrown up on, it just does something to a person.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, while I'm happy things worked out with the assembly, I never want to see you guys pull anything like that again. Drinking while performing is unprofessional. Drinking while at school is just stupid, and, most importantly, any of you guys drinking at all is illegal.

Quinn Fabray: There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now.

Brittany S. Pierce: That is so racist.

Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more. Which is why I'm going to stop drinking. Not even a beer at the end of the night to take the edge off.

Santana Lopez: But if you don't drink, what will you have to live for?

Will Schuester: I have plenty in my life without beer.

Mercedes Jones: Like what, exactly?

Will Schuester: The point is, I'm going to stop. And I hope you guys do, too.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Isn't that kind of unrealistic?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Honestly, I think it is. Which is why I'm only going to ask you to do it until after Nationals. Consider yourselves like prize fighters getting ready for a big heavyweight bout. Now, these are pledge forms. And I want you guys to sign them.

Noah Puckerman: And what if we fall off the wagon again?

Will Schuester: Look in the top corner of your form. That's my cell phone number.

Sam Evans: Yes!

Will Schuester: Part of your pledge is that if you do slip up, no matter where you are, or what time of the night it is, I want you to call me to drive you home. We got lucky this time that the only consequences of your drinking was some ill-timed vomiting. None of us wants to see any of you guys get hurt.

Santana Lopez: Cool beans, Mr. Schue. I'll sign this.

Rachel Berry: Me, too. I mean, alcohol has done nothing for my songwriting.

Finn Hudson: What about after we win Nationals?

Will Schuester: I'm buying the sparkling cider.

Sam Evans: Yes.

Rachel Berry: So, you said he comes this way at 3:30?

Kurt Hummel: Like clockwork. For his post-rehearsal medium drip.

Rachel Berry: I just can't wait to lay one on him.

Kurt Hummel: I've got a bad feeling about this, Rachel. I mean, I don't mean to be schooled, but I don't want you to get hurt, either. There's no victory in this for me, either way.

Rachel Berry: Who cares about you, buddy? I might get a new boyfriend out of this, who can keep up with me vocally, and in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian- looking children.

Kurt Hummel: There he is. Dreamy as ever.

Rachel Berry: Okay. Wish me luck.

Carol King: # I feel the earth move under my feet #

Blaine Anderson: Hey, Rachel. What's going on?

Carol King: # I feel the sky tumbling down #
# A'tumbling down #
# I feel the earth move #
# Under my feet #
# I feel the sky tumbling down #
# A'tumbling down, I just lose control #

Blaine Anderson: Huh. Yep. I'm gay. 100% gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel. Listen, save my space in line, will you? I got to go hit the restroom.

Carol King: # All over #
# I feel the earth move under my feet #
# I feel the sky... #

Kurt Hummel: That was hard, wasn't it?

Rachel Berry: Are you kidding? That was amazing. I am speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold. Oh! Okay. I have to go compose. But thank you. Thank you.

Emma Pillsbury: The Celibacy Club will now come to order. Let's start the meeting by reading the minutes from last week's meeting where we read the minutes from the previous meeting, and Rachel spent the hour quizzing Quinn about the nature of her relationship with Finn.

Rachel Berry: Questions somebody still refuses to answer.

Quinn Fabray: And I will continue to refuse to answer them because they are none of your business. All I will reveal is that I rejoined the Celibacy Club to focus on me.

Rachel Berry: Me, too. Finn is kryptonite, which is why I am focusing all my energies now on my songwriting.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes, and I have to say I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy, and for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster. I have a little bit of club swag here that I think's really gonna catch on. Ready? Chastity charms. We hand out the little hearts, but not the key. That way, nobody can open the lock forever. And ladies, that's what keeps us safe.

Rachel Berry: I have some questions. Some things that I... I'm curious about.

Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, why be curious? No, wait to have relations until you're comfortable, right? Maybe till your honeymoon, I don't know. Maybe even later! Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!

Emma Pillsbury: I'm just so disappointed.

Will Schuester: Why? I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on.

Emma Pillsbury: I did, until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.

Will Schuester: I know preaching abstinence is hard, but I've seen how a teen pregnancy can turn a kid's world upside down. So keep fighting the good fight. And I'm happy to do whatever I can to help make celibacy an option for these kids.

Holly Holliday: I don't know, hot stuff. Sounds pretty lame...

Will Schuester: Holly! What are you doing here?

Holly Holliday: Subbing. The health and wellness teacher's out with a mad case of the herp. Yikers.

Will Schuester: Oh, it's so good to see you!

Holly Holliday: You, too!

Will Schuester: Oh, this face, this face! Oh. Oh, this is...

Emma Pillsbury: Emma.

Will Schuester: Emma, Emma Pillsbury.

Holly Holliday: Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

Emma Pillsbury: Very nice to meet you.

Will Schuester: This is Holly Holliday.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi, Holly.

Will Schuester: Have a seat here.

Holly Holliday: Oh, thank you.

Will Schuester: Wow!

Emma Pillsbury: So, I'm curious why you don't, uh, think that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers.

Holly Holliday: Oh, I do. I think it's a valid choice. I just don't think it's that realistic. You know, it's like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions. I just read in the newspaper that ninety high school girls in a Memphis school district got pregnant within three months! I mean, it is Tennessee, but still. We've got to shake things up, you know? Information is power. Oh, and by the way, Will, some of your Glee kids are the most clueless.

Holly Holliday: Demonstration: This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS, and it also prevents pregnancy.

Finn Hudson: Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?

Mercedes Jones: Seriously? 'Cause I just had them on my salad!

Holly Holliday: We've got to educate these kids.

Emma Pillsbury: I strongly disagree. I don't think that we should barrage these kids with graphic information. They're kids. I don't want to steal their innocence.

Holly Holliday: Are you, like, some kind of crazy Pope lady? Think about the images that these kids are exposed to. I mean, think about what they have access to.

Emma Pillsbury: That doesn't make it okay. And it shouldn't change the message that they get from us, which is this is serious stuff and it's not for kids and it's not for adults!

Holly Holliday: Okay, well, I think that's a little naive. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have crazy sex, because I'm crazy informed about it. Kidding. Hasta luego.

Will Schuester: Hasta luego. Oh, man.

Santana Lopez: Hey, Britt-britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening, get our cuddle on?

Brittany S. Pierce: Look, I'd really like to get my sweet lady-kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately. I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with... Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.

Noah Puckerman: It was only a matter of time.

Lauren Zizes: For what?

Noah Puckerman: Brittany to get pregnant.

Lauren Zizes: Oh. Congratulations.

Artie Abrams: For what?

Lauren Zizes: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo. You're gonna be a baby daddy.

Will Schuester: All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?

Artie Abrams: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this?

Will Schuester: Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?

Brittany S. Pierce: Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Noah Puckerman: Um... Babies don't get dropped off.

Will Schuester: Wait, Brittany. Have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Will Schuester: And that's when I realized you were right.

Holly Holliday: Let's go. Health and wellness Jazzercise class! Do we feel our hearts pumping yet, guys? You see? We have really got to educate these kids.

Will Schuester: How are we going to do that without being too graphic?

Holly Holliday: Breathe it in.

Will Schuester: I want to educate them, not titillate them.

Holly Holliday: Didn't you ever read Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook? It's all about taking vegetables and hiding it in food so that you can trick kids into eating what's good for them. Shake it! Ah! And loose.

Will Schuester: I'm not following.

Holly Holliday: It's Jazzercise, Will. It's really not that hard.

Will Schuester: No.

Holly Holliday: Grease it.

Will Schuester: I'm still talking about the vegetable hiding.

Holly Holliday: All I'm saying is all we have to do is find a way to sneak in the sex education lesson in a less provocative way. And stretch. Oh! You guys were awesome.

Will Schuester: Yeah!

Holly Holliday: How good do we feel? Are we sweating? Yes! Next week, we are going to talk about the power of muscle testing. Yeah? Bye. Love you. Okay. Here's what I think you should do. Let me come into Glee Club this week and I'll show you what I mean. The kids will think that they're getting ready for Regionals, but really I'll slip in a little lesson about how to avoid STDs. And speaking of STDs, how is your dating life?

Will Schuester: Um, right now, I'm the president of the Celibacy Club.

Holly Holliday: Mmm. That's a waste of some fine man-butt.

Will Schuester: Sexy.

Santana Lopez: I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals, because with Berry in those tights, - we don't stand a chance.

Will Schuester: No, this isn't about Regionals. I'm less worried about that right now and more worried about the fact that it's become clear to me that some of you have been lacking when it comes to understanding the... the, uh... the intricacies of adult relationships. Yeah, anyways... Along with preparing for our Regional next week, I want to spend the week educating ourselves about some of these... intricacies.

Rachel Berry: Is this the appropriate forum for that?

Will Schuester: Look, whenever we had, uh, issues in the past that are on our minds or giving us problems, it's always helped us to sing about it. So this week I have invited a special guest. Miss Holiday.

Holly Holliday: Hola, clase.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, no. It's the salad lady.

Holly Holliday: Okay. So sex... It's just like hugging, only wetter.

Artie Abrams: Yeah, it is.

Holly Holliday: Okay, so let's start with the basics. Finn. Is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?

Finn Hudson: I have always been dubious.

Holly Holliday: And Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?

Brittany S. Pierce: I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

Holly Holliday: Well, that's all gonna end right here, right now. Because today, we are gonna get under the covers all together - and get the ditty on the dirty.

Noah Puckerman: I'm so turned-on right now.

Rachel Berry: Uh, what about those of us who choose to remain celibate?

Holly Holliday: Oh, well, I admire you. Although I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice.

Will Schuester: I think this is a good time for a song.

Holly Holliday: Oh, yes. Okay.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Holly Holliday: Rule number one: Every intimate encounter that you're ever going to have in your life is going to start with a touch. Hit it!
# We've been here too long #
# Tryin' to get along #
# Pretendin' that you're oh so shy #
# I'm a natural ma'am #
# Doin' all I can #
# My temperature is runnin' high #
# Cry at night #
# No one in sight #
# And we got so much to share #
# Talking's fine #
# If you got the time #
# But I ain't got the time to spare #
# Yeah #
# Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
# There, yeah #

New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
# Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Every girl an' boy #
# Needs a little joy #
# All you do is sit an' stare #
# Beggin' on my knees #
# Baby, won't you please #
# Run your fingers through my hair #
# My, my, my #
# Whiskey and rye #
# Don't it make you feel so fine #
# Right or wrong #
# Don't it turn you on #
# Can't you see we're wastin' time, yeah #
# Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
# There, yeah #

New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do ya, do ya #

New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Do ya, do ya #
# Touch me there, #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Holly Holliday: # You know where #

New Directions: # Oh yeah, oh yeah #

Holly Holliday: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
# Do ya, do ya #

Holly Holliday: So just remember whenever you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with. And everybody's got a random.

Kurt Hummel: Don't you think it's time for the Warblers to do a Joan Armatrading medley?

Blaine Anderson: Um, I'm not so sure people know who that is.

Sue Sylvester: Well, well, if it isn't my sweet, sweet Porcelain.

Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester. What are you doing here?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot. Actually, boys, I heard that this was a Dalton Academy hangout, and I come in a spirit of fellowship. As you no doubt have heard, I've taken over for the coach of Aural Intensity.

Kurt Hummel: We heard you pushed him down the stairs.

Sue Sylvester: No, you can't prove that.

Kurt Hummel: This is just sort of how she talks.

Sue Sylvester: So, I happen to have some top secret intel. Will Schuester has finally realized that his team's Achilles' heel is their utter lack of sex appeal. The New Directions are getting sexy. And the key to Regionals is out-sexing them. And I suspect that the judges are scoring extra for it this year. So, Porcelain, quid pro quo: What do you have for me?

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Coach, but you and are not in cahoots.

Sue Sylvester: Probably should have nailed that down before I gave you my top secret intel. Porcelain, you just made a powerful enema.

Blaine Anderson: We got to hold an emergency meeting.

Kurt Hummel: Why?

Blaine Anderson: Weren't you listening? The judges at Regionals have an eye out for something new, which means... The Warblers got to do something sexy-fied.

Emma Pillsbury: I am very disappointed in you, Will. Letting Holly come in and just teach the Glee kids about... stuff. I mean, why didn't you just pair them up, huh? Rent them a bunch of motel rooms?

Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had no choice, Emma. These kids are totally unprepared. Look, in the spirit of fairness, why don't you and the kids in your Celibacy Club come in and do a number?

Emma Pillsbury: What, like, sing?

Will Schuester: Yeah. We're trying to teach through song. And yours can be a counterargument to Holly's.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall. You know what I mean.

Lauren Zizes: Well, Puckerman, it's your lucky day.

Noah Puckerman: You're finally going to let me motorboat those twins?

Lauren Zizes: Remember I told you I had a master plan? Here it is. Can you think of a celebrity who released a tape of their intimate relations that didn't make them more famous?

Noah Puckerman: If this is going where I think it's going, I may need to sit down.

Lauren Zizes: Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer. I just want to be famous. Doing that number for Glee Club was my first step toward being a star. I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show and a fragrance. It'll be called Zizes, and the slogan will be "You just got Ziced!"

Noah Puckerman: I'm not sure I heard that last part right, 'cause I'm getting a little light-headed, but if we make one of those tape, that means...

Lauren Zizes: Wow. If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills at deduction, I'm in for a wild night.

Blaine Anderson: I would like to welcome the ladies of our sister school, Crawford Country Day. As you know, the Warblers are competing in our show choir's Regionals competition next week. So, what we're going for here today, ladies, is something a little... a little sexy. But we need your input. Are we scream worthy? Do we make your knees turn to jelly? So, without further ado, hang on to your bobby socks, girls, 'cause we're about to rock your world.

The Warblers: # Na, na, na, na, na, na #
# Na, na, na, na, na, na #

Blaine Anderson: # Here we go again #
# I feel the chemicals kickin' in #
# It's gettin heavy #
# And I wanna run and hide #
# I wanna run and hide. #

Kurt Hummel: # I do it every time #
# You're killin' me now #

Kurt & Blaine: # And I won't be denied by you #
# The animal inside of you. #

Blaine Anderson: # Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Take a bite of my heart tonight. Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Say goodbye to my heart tonight. #

Kurt & Blaine: # Hush hush the world is quiet #
# Hush hush we both can't fight it #
# It's us that made this mess #
# Why can't you understand? #
# No, I won't sleep tonight. #

Blaine Anderson: # Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Take a bite of my heart tonight. Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' #

Kurt Hummel: # Here we go again #
# Here we go again #
# Here we go again #

Blaine Anderson: # Say goodbye to my heart tonight. #

Crawford Girl: Call us.

Blaine Anderson: Sweet, but not on your team. Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.

Kurt Hummel: Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.

Blaine Anderson: It just looked like you were having gas pains or something.

Kurt Hummel: Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at Regionals and sell sexy to the judges when I have as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?

Blaine Anderson: We'll figure something out.

Brittany S. Pierce: I want to talk to you about something. I really like when we make out and stuff.

Santana Lopez: Which isn't cheating, because...?

Brittany S. Pierce: The plumbing's different.

Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.

Brittany S. Pierce: But when Artie and I are together, we talk about stuff, like feelings.

Santana Lopez: Why?

Brittany S. Pierce: Because with feelings, it's better.

Santana Lopez: Are you kidding? It's better when it doesn't involve feelings. I think it's better when it doesn't involve eye contact.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. I guess I just don't know how I feel about us.

Santana Lopez: Look... Let's be clear here. I'm not interested in any labels, unless it's on something I shoplift.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know, Santana. I think we should talk to somebody. Like an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me.

Santana Lopez: Breakfast is confusing for you.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, sometimes it's sweet, and sometimes it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?

Noah Puckerman: Those linens are incredible.

Lauren Zizes: I know. Is that Egyptian cotton?

Noah Puckerman: Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff?

Lauren Zizes: It classes it up.

Noah Puckerman: If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy, I'll watch E!

Lauren Zizes: Touch me.

Noah Puckerman: We're not putting any of that stuff in ours.

Lauren Zizes: Well, maybe...

Holly Holliday: Hey, guys. What's going on?

Noah Puckerman: Oh, hey, Miss H. Hey, can you help us out?

Holly Holliday: Uh, yeah.

Noah Puckerman: Lauren and I are gonna make a sex tape.

Lauren Zizes: So I can get a recording contract.

Holly Holliday: Wow. Okay. Well, first, can I just say that I'm very impressed by not only your ambition, but by how comfortable you are with your own bodies?

Lauren Zizes: Easy to be comfortable when you look this good. You know what I mean?

Holly Holliday: Agreed. Uh, now for the downside. Are you aware that because you're under eighteen years of age, making and owning a sex tape could make you guilty of child pornography? Listen, guys, don't take this too hard, all right? These things just... They never work out well. My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster.

Noah Puckerman: Thanks, Miss H.

Holly Holliday: Later, dudes. Ladies.

Santana Lopez: Miss Holiday, we need your help.

Brittany S. Pierce: So, why are we sitting on the floor?

Holly Holliday: 'Cause we're in Japan. No.Welcome to my sacred, sexy sharing circle. I want to thank you guys for confiding in me, 'cause I know this is tough. And I want to ask both of you if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, I mean, who knows? I'm attracted to girls, and I'm attracted to guys. I've made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.

Holly Holliday: Hmm. Well, we've all been there. I went to an all-girls college where the only industry in the town was the manufacturing of softball equipment. I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco. Ooh! Anyway, it's not about who you are attracted to, ultimately. It's about who you fall in love with.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I don't know how I feel, because Santana refuses to talk about it.

Holly Holliday: Okay, well, I know talking about feelings can be really hard, so I have an idea. Why don't you guys find a song and see if maybe the lyrics of the song could help you start a dialogue going?

Santana Lopez: I could be down with that. I have the perfect song. There's just one problem, though. Brit and I may need your help to sing it.

Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.

Blaine Anderson: All right, so give me sensual. But don't make fun of it. Like, really try. Okay. Now give me... sultry. Um, Kurt, they're all sort of looking the same.

Kurt Hummel: That's because the face I'm actually doing is uncomfortable. This is pointless, Blaine. I don't know how to be sexy, because I don't know the first thing about sex.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, you're blushing.

Kurt Hummel: I've tried watching those movies, but I just get horribly depressed. And I think about how they were all kids once, and they all have mothers. And, God, what would their mothers think? And why would you get that tattoo there?

Blaine Anderson: Then maybe we should have a conversation about it. I'll tell you what I know.

Kurt Hummel: I don't... I don't want to know the graphic details. I like romance. That's why I like Broadway musicals, because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, you're going to have to learn about it someday.

Kurt Hummel: Well, not today. I think I've learned quite enough for today, thank you. I think you should leave.

Will Schuester: So just nice and easy. I don't want to go too far away from the original version.

Holly Holliday: Since when do you need help singing in front of the Glee Club?

Will Schuester: Oh, it's not about the singing. I'm trying to make Prince's "Kiss" into a tango. Just want to make sure it's appropriate.

Holly Holliday: "Kiss" as a tango? That's awesome and ridiculous.

Will Schuester: Anyway, I want to do this right for the sexy lesson. So picture us in the auditorium, big backdrop, lighting, costume, the whole thing. Hit it.
# Uh! #
# You don't have to be beautiful to turn me on #
# I just need your body baby #
# From dusk till dawn #

Holly Holliday: # You don't need experience #
# To turn me out #
# You just leave it all up to me #
# I'm gonna show you what it's all about #

Will & Holly: # You don't have to be rich #
# To be my girl #
# You don't have to be cool #
# To rule my world #
# Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with #
# I just want your extra time and your #
# Kiss #

Holly Holliday: # Yeah... #

Will & Holly: # Women not girls rule my world #
# I said they rule my world #
# Act your age, mama #
# Not your shoe size #

Will Schuester: # Not your shoe size #

Will & Holly: # Maybe we can do the twirl #

Holly Holliday: # You don't have to watch Dynasty #
# To have an attitude #

Will & Holly: # You just leave it all up to me #

Holly Holliday: # My love will be your food #

Will Schuester: # Yeah #

Will & Holly: # You don't have to be rich #
# To be my girl #
# You don't have to be cool #
# To rule my world #
# Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with #
# I just want your extra time and your #
# Kiss #

Will Schuester: I am so into you.

Holly Holliday: Don't be.

Will Schuester: Go out with me.

Holly Holliday: Oh, you don't want any of this. I'm damaged goods. Yes, it makes me terrific in bed, but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you into Wasa crackers.

Will Schuester: Oh, I think I can handle it.

Holly Holliday: You married your high school sweetheart, and then you went out with a virgin. It's a great song. You don't need me, though. The kids are going to love it.

Blaine Anderson: Need a hand?

Burt Hummel: Yeah, why don't you hand me that carburetor? How'd you know which one it was?

Blaine Anderson: My dad and I rebuilt a '59 Chevy in our driveway two summers ago. One of his many attempts at bonding.

Burt Hummel: You here looking for parts?

Blaine Anderson: No, actually. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Kurt.

Burt Hummel: Is he okay?

Blaine Anderson: Have you ever talked to him about sex?

Burt Hummel: Are you gay or straight or what?

Blaine Anderson: I'm definitely gay.

Burt Hummel: Okay. Good. I mean, you know, whatever, but, uh... You know, good for Kurt. He needs someone like you to talk to.

Blaine Anderson: Well, that's kind of my point. I've tried talking to him, but he basically puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing.

Burt Hummel: Well, when he's ready, he'll listen.

Blaine Anderson: I'm worried that it might be too late. You know, Dalton doesn't even have sex ed classes. Most schools don't, and the ones that do almost never discuss what sex is like for gay kids. Kurt is... is the most moral, compassionate person I've ever met.

Burt Hummel: You know, he gets that from his mother.

Blaine Anderson: And... And I am blown away by your guys' relationship. You think my dad built a car with me because he loves cars? I think he did it because he thought getting my hands dirty might make me straight.

Burt Hummel: You know, did he talk to you about this, uh, kind of stuff?

Blaine Anderson: No. I had to go find it for myself. The Internet is great, and all the information is out there, but I went searching for it. Kurt won't. And one day, he'll be at a party, and maybe have a few drinks and then he'll meet some guy and start fooling around. And he's not going to know about using protection or STDs. I don't have the relationship with my dad that you have with Kurt. I think it would be really cool if you took advantage of that. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.

Burt Hummel: You are.

Holly Holliday: # I took my love and I took it down #
# I climbed a mountain and I turned around #
# And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills #
# Where the landslide brought me down. #
# Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? #
# Can the child within my heart #

Santana & Holly: Rise above? #
# Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? #
# Can I handle the seasons of my life? #

Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #

Brittany & Santana: # Oh, oh... #

Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #

Brittany & Santana: # Oh, oh... #

Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #

Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Well, I've been afraid of changin' #
# Cause I've built my life around you #

Brittany & Santana: # But time makes you bolder #

Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Children get older #
# And I'm getting older too #

Holly Holliday: # Well, I'm getting older too #
# So.. take this love and take it down #
# Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you... #

Holly, Brittany & Santana: # ...turn around #
# And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills #

Holly Holliday: # Where the landslide brought me down #

Holly, Brittany & Santana: # And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills #

Holly Holliday: # Well maybe... #

Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Well maybe... #

Holly Holliday: # The landslide will bring you down #

Brittany S. Pierce: Is that really how you feel?

Santana Lopez: Uh, yeah. Thank you.

Sam Evans: Pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends, right? I wish you and I were that close.

Rachel Berry: Can I just applaud this trio for exploring the uncharted world of Sapphic charm? Brava. Brava.

Santana Lopez: Look, just because I sang a song with Brittany doesn't mean that you can put a label on me. Is that clear?

Emma Pillsbury: This meeting of the Celibacy Club will now come to order. Before we begin, I would just like to start by congratulating you by reminding you not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year. You get tenses for menses. I'd also like to welcome our newest member, Noah Puckerman.

Rachel Berry: Are you lost, Noah?

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, you don't belong here. You're the biggest French whore of them all.

Noah Puckerman: Zizes and I were going to make a sex tape. I found out that making that tape would have resulted in my arrest. I've hit rock bottom, and I've come here to set myself straight.

Emma Pillsbury: That's just awesome, Noah. And you're just in time, because tomorrow the girls and I are going to perform a song for Glee Club extolling the benefits of celibacy.

Noah Puckerman: I'm down for that. Point of order, though. While three chicks and me is just a typical Saturday night in the Puckerman bedroom, it's not the best balance for singing. We need at least one more dude.

Emma Pillsbury: I've got that covered.

Carl Howell: # Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
# Gonna grab some afternoon delight.

Noah Puckerman: # My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right.
# Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.

Rachel Berry: # When everything's a little clearer in the light of day.
# And you know the night is always gonna be here any way.

Quinn & Emma: # Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
# Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
# Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
# And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.

Celibacy Club: # Sky rockets in flight.
# Afternoon delight.
# Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Holly Holliday: Hi. Um, Holly here.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah?

Holly Holliday: So I'm a little confused. Isn't this a strange song for the... the Celibacy Club to sing?

Emma Pillsbury: But why? It's so wholesome. It was written during the Bicentennial to celebrate America and fireworks...

Holly Holliday: No, it's about sneaking out for a nooner.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes. Exactly! A nooner's when you have dessert in the middle of the day, right? Right, Carl?

Will Schuester: Well, regardless... It was a great job, guys. Great number.

Holly Holliday: It was... It was fantastic.

Will Schuester: Hey, Glee Club, let's go.

Carl Howell: Miss Holliday? Excuse me a second. Miss Holliday? You're still the, um... You're still the acting sex-ed teacher, right?

Holly Holliday: You know it, brother.

Carl Howell: Uh, you don't happen to have any office hours, do you?

Holly Holliday: Sure.

Emma Pillsbury: Afternoon Delight is a dessert. It's made with coconut and pineapple and marshmallow fluff.

Carl Howell: I think Emma and I need an appointment.

Kurt Hummel: What are those?

Burt Hummel: Those are some pamphlets that I picked up from the free clinic. I thought it might help the process along, because it is time you and I had "the talk."

Kurt Hummel: No, it's not.

Burt Hummel: Yes, it is. You told me to educate myself.

Kurt Hummel: La, la, la! La, la, la!

Burt Hummel: Hey, you think this is easy for me?

Kurt Hummel: La, la, la, la!

Burt Hummel: Okay, believe me, I want to do this even less than you do. This is going to suck for both of us, but we are going to get through it together, and we will both be better men because of it. Now, first, most of the, um... mechanics of what you're going to be doing is covered in the pamphlets. Okay, so, I want you to read them, and then I want you to come talk to me about it. Deal?

Kurt Hummel: Okay.

Burt Hummel: All right. Now. Hey, sit down. We're just getting started. All right. You know, for most guys, sex is just... You know... It's this thing we always want to do. You know, it's fun. It feels great. But we're not really thinking too much about, you know, how it makes us feel on the inside or, you know, how the other person feels about it.

Kurt Hummel: Women are different?

Burt Hummel: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical. You know, when... When you're intimate with somebody in that way, you're exposing yourself. You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten in way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.

Kurt Hummel: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Burt Hummel: No. It's going to be worse. Okay? Because it's two guys. With two guys, you've got two people who think that sex is just sex. It's gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff, you're not going to want to stop. You just... You've got to know that it means something. You know, it's doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though it feels like you're just having fun.

Kurt Hummel: So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?

Burt Hummel: I think on your thirtieth birthday, it is a great gift to yourself. Kurt... When you're ready... I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: Is that it?

Burt Hummel: That's it. For now. Can I make you some toast?

Kurt Hummel: I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets. Thank you, Dad.

Burt Hummel: You're welcome.

Holly Holliday: Now, I hear you guys are having some problems.

Emma Pillsbury: I wouldn't call them problems.

Carl Howell: No, we are. We really, really are. We're having problems.

Holly Holliday: When is the last time that you...

Carl Howell: Never.

Holly Holliday: I beg your pardon?

Carl Howell: We've been married four months and we still haven't done the deed.

Holly Holliday: Girlfriend, what is up with that? He's hot! You're thirty.

Emma Pillsbury: I haven't felt comfortable. So...

Holly Holliday: Well, what is it that you do?

Emma Pillsbury: Um, okay... So we cuddle a lot.

Carl Howell: A lot.

Emma Pillsbury: A lot.

Carl Howell: We cuddle too much.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, well, no...

Carl Howell: We're... We're cuddle monsters.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Okay. We... We watch the Housewives shows, which are so, so racy. Racy!

Carl Howell: It's not like I haven't tried. I try. I've made her romantic dinners. I give her roses, and every time I try to touch her... That happens.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm so sorry.

Holly Holliday: Okay, look. I am not a doctor, okay? I don't even like doctor TV shows. Unless it's one of those ones where people strap bombs to their chest. Love those. So I would like to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it very seriously. Are you still in love with Will Schuester?

Carl Howell: You know, I was sort of thinking the same thing, but I was afraid to ask it.

Emma Pillsbury: Um...

Carl Howell: Are you?

Emma Pillsbury: I feel very confused about my feelings.

Carl Howell: Okay.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm sorry.

Carl Howell: No, you and your feelings can stay at the condo, and I'll be at the Radisson. Thank you, Doctor.

Holly Holliday: Not a doctor.

Emma Pillsbury: Could you please, please not tell Will about this?

Holly Holliday: No, of course not. Of course not.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Holly Holliday: My lips are sealed.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, thank you.

Holly Holliday: Just like your legs! Oh. Ha. Kidding! God. That was rude. Why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that. Whew.

Santana Lopez: Hi.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey.

Santana Lopez: Can we talk?

Brittany S. Pierce: But we never do that.

Santana Lopez: I know, but, um, I wanted to thank you... for performing that song with me in Glee Club.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.

Santana Lopez: 'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking. What I've realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings... feelings for you... that I'm afraid of dealing with, because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.

Brittany S. Pierce: I understand that.

Santana Lopez: Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?

Brittany S. Pierce: Not really.

Santana Lopez: I want to be with you. But I'm afraid of the talks, and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.

Brittany S. Pierce: But, honey... If anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know. But... I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept... that I love you. I love you. And I don't want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please...

Brittany S. Pierce: Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you, if it weren't for Artie.

Santana Lopez: Artie?

Brittany S. Pierce: I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him.

Santana Lopez: Yes, you can. He's just a stupid boy.

Brittany S. Pierce: But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know... If Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single...

Santana Lopez: Don't.

Brittany S. Pierce: I am so yours. Proudly so.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, wow. Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck?

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry.

Santana Lopez: Don't... Get off me.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry.

Lauren Zizes: Nerd.

Noah Puckerman: Whoa! Why you gotta hate?

Lauren Zizes: You joined the Celibacy Club?

Noah Puckerman: What the hell? I thought you and me were an item. Lauren. Stop. I need to talk to you about something. I realized something lately. I do a lot of stupid things. Once, on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack. I'm about 90% sure it's still in there. I don't think about consequences. And while I used to think that made me cool, now I just think it makes me a loser. I like you, Lauren. I like wooing you. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it's my favorite part of the day. So I'm making a change. And if that makes me a nerd, fine.

Lauren Zizes: I really do have the urge to punch you. If we can play footsie in Celibacy Club, I'm in. Nerd.

Rachel Berry: I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order.

Noah Puckerman: Where's Ms. Pillsbury?

Rachel Berry: She decided to take the hour she was spending here to use it to fix her sham of a marriage. In the interim, I'll be taking over.

Santana Lopez: Because you annoyingly take over everything?

Rachel Berry: Because I realized that while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful, one day we're going to fall in love with someone, and we're going to choose to be intimate with them.

Noah Puckerman: Speaking of being intimate... What's with the hickey, Quinn?

Quinn Fabray: It's not a hickey.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, I know hickeys. I'm a freakin' connoisseur. I can make them into shapes, like balloon animals.

Quinn Fabray: I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron.

Brittany S. Pierce: The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from getting burnt.

Lauren Zizes: No.

Quinn Fabray: I was sure I was caught.

Finn Hudson: What was that? Is that your mom?

Quinn Fabray: She's at work. She won't be home for hours. Divorce rules. Come here.

Finn Hudson: Ooh! I'll be more careful with the hickey placement next time.

Quinn Fabray: This is so awesome. We have two months until Prom, so we have plenty of time to campaign for Prom King and Queen.

Finn Hudson: But that's not all this is about, though, right?

Quinn Fabray: Look, I made a mistake with Puck. You should have been my first. This is where I belong. With you. Okay?

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Holly Holliday: Hey, hot stuff.

Will Schuester: Holly. Hey. I'm just, uh, walking through some choreography. Got Regionals in a week, and I just want to make sure all the dances are what I like to call "Finn-proof."

Holly Holliday: Oh, well, I won't keep you. I just, um, just came to say good-bye. I'm going over to Shawnee Township to teach algebra.

Will Schuester: Really?

Holly Holliday: Yeah. There were some parent complaints. Apparently, my cucumber demonstration made it impossible to watch VeggieTales the same way ever again. I personally thought it made watching that show hilarious.

Will Schuester: Uh, wow, I... I really don't want to say good-bye.

Holly Holliday: Then maybe we shouldn't. Teaching Santana and Brittany how to get their Stevie Nicks on made me realize how closed off I've been. I'm getting older, too. Maybe I should try a relationship that lasts more than thirty-six hours.

Will Schuester: You're serious?

Holly Holliday: Plus, seeing another woman with the hots for you kinda made me jealous...

Will Schuester: Wait, what?

Holly Holliday: Oh, nothing. I know a lot about sex, Will, but... Maybe it's time I learned a little something about romance.

Will Schuester: Well, I don't know if you've heard... But I happen to be an excellent educator.

Blaine Anderson: # Oh yeah #

The Warblers: # Ooooh #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh yeah #

The Warblers: # Oooh, aaa) #

Blaine Anderson: # So scared of breaking it #
# That you won't let it bend #
# Now I wrote two hundred letters #
# I will never send #
# Sometimes these cuts are so much #
# Deeper then they seem #
# You'd rather cover up #
# I'd rather let them be #
# So let me be #
# And I'll set you free #
# I am in misery #
# There ain't nobody #
# Who can comfort me, oh yeah #
# Why won't you answer me? #
# The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah #
# Girl you really got me bad #
# You really got me bad #
# Now I'm gonna get you back #
# I'm gonna get you back #
# You say your faith is shaken #
# You may be mistaken #
# You keep me wide awake and #
# Waiting for the sun #
# I'm desperate and confused #
# So far away from you #
# I'm getting there #
# I don't care where I have to go #
# Why do you do what you do to me, yeah #
# Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah #
# Why do you do what you do to me yeah #
# Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah #
# I am in misery #
# There ain't nobody #
# Who can comfort me, oh yeah #
# Girl you really got me bad #
# You really got me bad #
# Now I'm gonna get you back #
# I'm gonna get you back #
Hey, Regionals? You've just met our opening number.

The Warblers: That was so good.

Blaine Anderson: How did you manage to find a Burberry-esque canary cage cover?

Kurt Hummel: Canaries don't like cold weather. Especially Pavarotti.

Blaine Anderson: So, what did you think of the song?

Kurt Hummel: Can I be really honest with you? Because it comes from a place of caring. Been there, done that. Look, you're amazing, Blaine. Your solos are breathtaking. They're also numerous.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, the council decides who gets the solos. Do I detect a little jealousy?

Kurt Hummel: No, you detect a lot of jealousy. Look, Blaine, sometimes I don't feel like we're the Warblers. I feel like we're Blaine and the Pips.

Rachel Berry: Okay, so, I really took all of your notes from "My Headband" to heart. And I... I really tapped into my pain for this second song. So come and sit down. These are for you. Just in case. It's pretty emotional. Don't be afraid, if you need to... Hit it.
# You've got just one egg. #
# You're not going to make an omelette. #
# Flying just one way, #
# You're not going to make a jet set, #
# Sister, brother, wherefore are thou? #
# No need for bunk beds in my bedroom, now #
# Oh, damn you, dads. #
# Why did you settle for only me? #
# I'm an only child, #
# More than enough for them, but not enough for me. #
# Only child, only child, only child... #
# The only Berry on my family tree. #
It's called "Only Child."

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I got that. Uh... It's better than "My Headband," that's for sure. But it... It still feels like you're just playing scared. You're only dealing with the easy pain. You got to get to the hard stuff. That's what's relatable to everybody.

Rachel Berry: I... I'm perfectly capable of accessing my pain. I cry every time I sing a solo.

Finn Hudson: Exactly. When you sing, I can feel it. I guess you just got to go inside yourself to wherever the singing comes from, and write from there.

Rachel Berry: Have you even ever tried to write a song?

Quinn Fabray: Sometimes I worry about Finn. I mean, how damaged does a guy have to be to be into someone as annoying as Rachel? Still, he is a good guy, and I do really like him. He's my first love, and first loves are forever. And another thing, without him I'm never going to get one of these. I know what you're thinking. "Prom queen? You're smart and super pretty and relatively sane for a girl. Does being prom queen really matter to you?" Well, it does. Prom queens live, on average, five years longer than regular people. It's probably because they smile a lot, and smiling has been proven to ward off diseases. But I can't do it without Finn. He's a shoo-in for prom king, and after winning the big game, he'll help me land crucial swing votes. Amazingly, the only person standing in my way is her and her damn talent. If I'm going to guarantee that he doesn't stray with her, I'm going to have to play it right. They say, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Well, Rachel Berry, you just got yourself a new best friend.

Kurt Hummel: Pavarotti?

Blaine Anderson: Warblers! Warblers! I am merely suggesting that instead of wearing blue ties with red piping, we wear jackets with red ties and blue piping for the competition.

Trent Nixon: This is a kangaroo court!

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, what's wrong?

Kurt Hummel: It's Pavarotti. Pavarotti is dead. I suspect a stroke.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Kurt Hummel: I know it's really stupid to be upset about a bird, but... He... He inspired me with his optimism, and his love of song. He was my friend. Now, I know today we need to practice doo-wopping behind Blaine while he sings every solo in the medley of P!nk songs, but I'd like to sing a song for Pavarotti today.
# Blackbird singing in the dead of night #
# Take these broken wings, and learn to fly. #
# All your life, #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
# Blackbird singing in the dead of night, #
# Take these sunken eyes, and learn to see. #
# All your life, #
# You were only waiting for this moment to be free. #
# Blackbird, fly. #
# Blackbird, fly #
# Into the light of the dark black night. #
# Blackbird, fly. #
# Blackbird, fly #
# Into the light of the dark black night. #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
Thank you.

Will Schuester: Guys, I've got some bad news. You know how we decided on "Sing" by My Chemical Romance for Regionals? Well, I hold in my hand a cease and desist letter from the band. We can't do it.

Noah Puckerman: It was the perfect anthem.

Mercedes Jones: How much do you want to bet Coach Sylvester has something to do with this?

Will Schuester: One step ahead of you.

Will Schuester: Do you know anything about this, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: I do. Now, I met the drummer from My Chemical Romance at a drum circle at Daytona Beach, Spring Break, 1996. We had a brief affair. And when I heard of your song choice for Regionals, well, I was compelled to notify the band about your long-running legal battle with PETA.

Will Schuester: That is not true.

Sue Sylvester: You took away my Cheerios! Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.

Mercedes Jones: So what are we going to do now?

Rachel Berry: I think we should write original songs for Regionals.

Santana Lopez: All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?

Quinn Fabray: No. I think Rachel is right. This team works best when we push ourselves and do something a little different.

Mercedes Jones: That's true, but if all the other teams are doing amazing songs we're not going to be so good.

Quinn Fabray: You're right. We're not going to be as good. We're going to be better. We won't be using other people's words or music. It'll be our own. Our own heart, soul, not just our voices. We have a really talented songwriter in our midst. Rachel. I was thinking maybe you and I could write a song together.

Finn Hudson: I'm with Quinn and Rachel. I mean, if these two can agree on something, it's probably an idea worth considering.

Santana Lopez: Wait, wait, so suddenly, you two are writing the music for Regionals? No way. I think that everyone should get a chance to write a song.

Sam Evans: Santana's right. We can do this.

Mercedes Jones: What do you think, Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: I think we're doing original songs for Regionals.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. Can I ask you a question? We used to be really close, and I really miss being your friend.

Santana Lopez: Still waiting for the question.

Brittany S. Pierce: Did I do something wrong?

Santana Lopez: No. Look, I don't know. Did you? All I know is you blew me off to be with Stumbles McCripplepants. That's fine. It's your loss. 'Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're going to sing at Regionals.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.

Santana Lopez: I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Look, can you stop staring at me? I can't remember my locker combo.

Sue Sylvester: Well, well. If it isn't Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Fake-Boobs.

Brittany S. Pierce: You know, you can't talk to us like that. You're not our cheer coach anymore.

Sue Sylvester: I'm not anybody's cheer-leading coach anymore. You betrayed me, and in case you haven't heard, I like to play dirty.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't even remember putting that in there.

Thad Harwood: You know, I think Blaine's version of the song is actually better than the original.

David Thompson: But it's not in his natural key, so...

Thad Harwood: How dare you.

Blaine Anderson: Enough. I'm tired of this.

Thad Harwood: I agree. I think we should just let you pick the song that you want to sing.

Blaine Anderson: No, I'm tired of the Warblers being all about me. David, please make sure everything I'm about to say goes down in the official minutes. We are going to lose at Regionals.

The Warblers: What?!

Blaine Anderson: I am incredibly grateful for the belief you've all given me, as a junior member, to lead you all in these wonderful songs this year. But, from what Kurt has told me about New Directions, I just know I can't beat them on my own. Which is why I propose that we rearrange our 11:00 number and turn it into a duet. To showcase other talent in this group.

David Thompson: Why don't we just play it on kazoos?

Blaine Anderson: Point of order! Point of order! Now, we all lost one of our own this week. Pavarotti's voice was silenced by death, and I don't want to silence anyone else's voices in this group. I think Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny, tiny, little grave.

Kurt Hummel: The placement of which has yet to be determined.

Wesley Montgomery: All right, a vote. Who's in favor of Warbler Blaine's proposal for a dual lead at Regionals?

Kurt Hummel: Oh, can I put my name on the audition list?

Blaine Anderson: No. No auditions. I want to sing the duet with Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: That's ridiculous. I mean, there are so many great voices. I mean, everyone deserves a shot at that honor.

Blaine Anderson: All in favor of Kurt being my duet partner at Regionals?

Wesley Montgomery: Decided.

Thad Harwood: Congratulations, Kurt.

The Warblers: Congratulations.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, let's hear it for our first songwriting seminar. While Quinn and Rachel are hard at work, we're gonna try to write an anthem of our own. Now, these are rhyming dictionaries for all of you.

Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue? Tina and I have been already working on a song that I wrote.

Will Schuester: Really? That's amazing. Well, can we hear it?

Santana Lopez: This is a song that I wrote for Sam. It's called, "Trouty Mouth."

Sam Evans: Wait, what's it called?

Mike Chang: "Trouty Mouth."

Santana Lopez: # Guppy Face, #
# Trouty Mouth, #
# Is that how people's lips look where you come from in the South? #
# Grouper Mouth, #
# Froggy Lips, #
# I love suckin' on those salamander lips. #
# Wanna put a fish hook in those lips, so cherry red #
# If you tried hard enough, you could suck a baby's head! #
# Whoo! #

Sam Evans: Okay. Can we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes.

Santana Lopez: Sit down. I'm not finished.

Sam Evans: Yes, you are. Mr. Schue, we're not doing a song at Regionals - called "Trouty Mouth."

Will Schuester: You know what? I have to agree with Sam on this one. But such a good first effort. I just don't think it's got the, um, epic feel we need for Regionals.

Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue? I wrote a song, too. I wrote it for Lauren. I know that when I sang "Fat-Bottomed Girls," it might have hurt her feelings a little bit, but I think this makes up for it. It's got a bit of a rockabilly feel, so it could give us an edge this weekend.

Will Schuester: All right. Show us what you got.

Noah Puckerman: It's called "Big Ass... Heart."
# My girl went to the doctor cause her heart had palpitations #
# He said cut the carbs, or else she'd end up pushing up carnations #
# She stepped up on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh Lordy" #
# If you don't drop a few girl, you won't make it past age forty #
# My girl said, "Hey lookie, on that fancy x-ray chart" #
# Said the doctor, "Holy hell that's one G.D. big ass heart" #
# I'm telling you my friend, my girl's got a big ass heart #
# When she shops for groceries that heart gets its own damn cart #
# That big ass heart can pump two tons of love through her chest #
# And then sit down and win a lovin' pie-eating contest #
# I love that big ass heart so much I think it isn't fair #
# Like how your heart won't pay me back for breaking all my chairs #
# So sick with love I think I'm coming down with rickets #
# When that big ass heart flies coach it has to pay for two plane tickets #
# Oh, that big ass heart #
# Oh, that big ass heart #

Will Schuester: All right, guys, well, let's, uh, let's make Puck's song a contender, but I don't totally think we're there yet. So, everyone, look at your rhyming dictionaries, and let's work on banging out some songs that rock.

Quinn Fabray: What do you want to wear to prom?

Finn Hudson: Prom? What?

Quinn Fabray: Look, I know you're excited about Regionals. So am I. Wasn't I the one that supported Rachel's crazy original song idea?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. That was cool, by the way.

Quinn Fabray: But whether we win that or even Nationals, it's not going to put you and I back where we belong.

Finn Hudson: Which is where?

Quinn Fabray: On top.

Finn Hudson: On top of what?

Quinn Fabray: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It's the ultimate status symbol. So after Regionals, we'll go public with our relationship, and start the campaign.

Finn Hudson: I don't think that's a good idea.

Quinn Fabray: Why? Because of Rachel?

Finn Hudson: She's really fragile right now. I just think we should wait until after Nationals.

Quinn Fabray: Okay, first, it was after Regionals. Now it's after Nationals? Do you want to be in this relationship or not?

Finn Hudson: Whoa. Scary Quinn. Okay. Uh... After Regionals.

Quinn Fabray: After Regionals.

Blaine Anderson: What's that?

Kurt Hummel: I'm decorating Pavarotti's casket.

Blaine Anderson: Well, finish up. I have the perfect song for our number, and we should practice.

Kurt Hummel: Do tell.

Blaine Anderson: "Candles" by Hey Monday.

Kurt Hummel: I'm impressed. You're usually so Top 40.

Blaine Anderson: Well, I just wanted something a little more emotional.

Kurt Hummel: Why did you pick me to sing that song with?

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, there is a moment... When you say to yourself, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever." Watching you do "Blackbird" this week... That was a moment for me. About you. You move me, Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you. Um, we should... We should practice.

Kurt Hummel: I thought we were.

Mercedes Jones: # Mama said, "Get your ass out of bed." #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# Said, "Wash yo grandma's nasty head." #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# They tried to take away my tots #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# Yeah, 'cause I'm the one that calls the shots #
# And I say hell to the no #
# Try to make me change my weave, #
# Well I got something up my sleeve #
# It's a whole lotta #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# I said #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Tell me I should eat my Wheaties, you know what #
# Hell to the no #

Tina, Brittany, Lauren & Santana: # Hell to the no #

Mercedes Jones: # Tell me I'll come down with diabetes #
# Hell to the no #

Tina, Brittany, Lauren & Santana: # Hell to the no #
# Try to make me change my eats #
# But baby that just isn't me #
# I'm a whole lot of #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Take me you can leave me but I won't ever change #
# If you don't like the rules don't play my game #
# Time for me to get R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but if I don't, it's all in me #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Aw, hell to the no... #

Will Schuester: Mercedes. Really, really good.

Mercedes Jones: Thank you.

Will Schuester: But, um...

Mercedes Jones: "But," my butt, Mr. Schue. That song was amazing.

Will Schuester: No, I agree. I'm just not sure that it's Regionals material.

Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue, I wrote another verse of "Trouty Mouth."

Will Schuester: No, no, no. Guys, guys. Just... Just think about it. What's your favorite song of all time?

Brittany S. Pierce: "My Headband."

Santana Lopez: Alanis Morissette's - "You Oughta Know."

Noah Puckerman: "What's Going On," Marvin Gaye.

Lauren Zizes: Puckerman, you're on a roll.

Will Schuester: Okay, and what are all those songs about?

Brittany S. Pierce: Headbands.

Will Schuester: All these songs come from a place of pain. The greatest songs are about hurt, and that's the side of yourselves I want you to get in touch with.

Artie Abrams: That should be easy. Coach Sylvester tortures us for no reason and tries to get the entire school to hate us.

Santana Lopez: Yesterday, she filled Britt's and my locker with dirt.

Will Schuester: Okay. Okay, slow down. Slow down.

Mercedes Jones: She literally throws sticks at me.

Mercedes Jones: What are you doing?

Sue Sylvester: Throwing sticks at your head. I'm going to crush you at Regionals.

Will Schuester: Okay, what else? What else?

Tina Cohen-Chang: She called the Ohio Secretary of State, saying she was me and that I want to legally change my name to "Tina Cohen-Loser."

Will Schuester: She...

Tina Cohen-Chang: Mean. Mean.

Will Schuester: Okay, and how does that make you feel?

Finn Hudson: Well, at first it hurts, but... Then it mostly makes you want to win.

Will Schuester: Guys... I think you may have just found your song. Now let's get to writing.

Quinn Fabray: You're late.

Rachel Berry: We're friends, right?

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, I guess so.

Rachel Berry: I mean, like everything happened last year. You gave your baby to my mom. We kind of bonded over it, right?

Quinn Fabray: What's your point?

Rachel Berry: My point is... Is that I know we haven't spent a lot of time together this year, but I thought that we were close enough to be honest with each other.

Quinn Fabray: Go ahead, ask me.

Rachel Berry: Fine. Are you and Finn together?

Quinn Fabray: Yes. It's been a couple of weeks. It's like Groundhog's Day with you, Rachel. How many times do you have to make the same mistake to realize it's not going to work out?

Rachel Berry: Thank you for being honest with me, Quinn, and... And I'm happy for you and Finn, but don't go and try to rewrite history, okay? It was real between us. He chose me over you.

Quinn Fabray: And how long did that last for?

Rachel Berry: Why are you being so mean?

Quinn Fabray: Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heartbroken, and then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent, and Finn will take over Kurt's dad's tire shop. You don't belong here, Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way.

Rachel Berry: No. I'm not giving up on Finn. It's not over between us.

Quinn Fabray: Yes, it is! You're so frustrating, and that is why you can't write a good song... Because you live in this little schoolgirl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never going to get it right. So we're done with that, and why don't we just return to our work, okay?

Rachel Berry: No, I think I'm gonna write this song on my own.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, you getting ready to load up the bus and head off to Regionals? Awesome.

Will Schuester: You seem awfully chipper.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I am, William, I am positively drunk with confidence. In fact, I am so sure of my Glee Club's impending win, I'm gonna drop a little turdlet on you. I lied to you last week, William. I forged that letter from My Chemical Romance. Also, I didn't sleep with their drummer. The drummer I slept with was that guy from Jimmy Eat World.

Will Schuester: Actually, Sue, I'm glad you lied. Gave my kids the opportunity to try - their hand at songwriting.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, so you're trying to lose.

Will Schuester: You have an awful lot of confidence for a rookie, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: William, while your kids are singing songs about blackheads and eczema, I will be unleashing a set list custom-made for that panel of judges.

Announcer: And now, our judges for the 2011 Midwest Regional Show Choir Competition. Local broadcasting legend and man about town Rod Remington! Recent Tea Party candidate and home-schooler Tammy Jean Albertson! And former exotic dancer and current Carmelite nun, author of the upcoming Lima Press memoir Habit to Habit, Sister Mary Constance! And now, from Westvale High School, let's have a warm welcome for Aural Intensity!

Aural Intensity: # Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Jesus is my friend #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# I have a friend in Jesus #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Jesus is my friend #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# He taught me how to live my life as it should be #
# He taught me how to turn my cheek when people laugh at me #
# I’ve had friends before and I can tell you that #
# He’s one who will never leave you flat! #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Ah, ah, ah Jesus #
# Jesus is my friend of mine #
# Friend of mine, friend of mine, friend of mine! Wow! #

Kurt Hummel: Has anyone ever literally died on stage?

Blaine Anderson: Are you nervous?

Kurt Hummel: Please don't judge me. This is the first time I've had a solo in front of a competition audience. I have this nightmare that I'm going to forget the lyrics or I'm going to sing and nothing is going to come out. Okay, you can judge me.

Blaine Anderson: I think it's adorable. I think you're adorable, and the only people that are going to be dying tonight are the people in that audience, because you and I are going to kill this thing. Come on, let's go.

Announcer: And now, from Westerville, Ohio, the Dalton Academy Warblers!

The Warblers: # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo... #
# Doo doo doo doo doo doo... #

Kurt Hummel: # The power lines went out #
# And I am all alone #
# But I don't really care, at all #
# Not answering my phone #

Blaine Anderson: # All the games you played #
# The promises you made #
# Couldn't finish what you started #
# Only darkness still remains #

Kurt Hummel: # Lost sight #
# Couldn't see #

Kurt & Blaine: # When it was you and me #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# I'm beginning to see the light #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# But I think I'll be alright #
# One day, #
# You will wake up #
# With nothing but you’re sorries #

Blaine Anderson: # And someday, #
# You will get back #

Kurt & Blaine: # Everything you gave me #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# I'm beginning to see the light #

Kurt Hummel: # Blow the candles out #

Blaine Anderson: # The candles out #

Kurt Hummel: # Looks like a solo tonight #

Blaine Anderson: # Solo tonight #

Kurt & Blaine: # But I think I'll be alright #

Blaine Anderson: # Right right, turn off the lights #
# We gonna lose our minds tonight #
# What's the dealio? #
# I love when it's all too much #
# 5 AM turn the radio up #
# Where's the rock and roll? #
# Party crasher, #
# Panty snatcha' #
# Call me up if you are gangsta' #
# Don't be fancy #
# Just get dancy #
# Why so serious? #
# So raise your glass if you are wrong #
# In all the right ways #
# All my underdogs, we will never be, never be #
# Anything but loud #
# And nitty gritty dirty little freaks #
# Won't you come on, and come on, and #
# Raise your glass! #
# Just come on and come and #
# Raise Your Glass! #
# So if you're too school for cool #
# And you're treated like a fool #

The Warblers: # Treated like a fool #

Blaine Anderson: # You could choose to let it go #
# We can always, we can always #
# Party on our own... #
# So raise your #
# So raise your glass if you are wrong #
# In all the right ways #
# All my underdogs, we will never be, never be #
# Anything but loud #
# And nitty gritty dirty little freaks #
# Won't you come on! and come on! and #
# Raise your glass! #
# Just come on and come and #
# Raise your glass! #
# ...for me #

Finn Hudson: Hey. Break a leg.

Rachel Berry: Last time we were here, you told me you loved me.

Finn Hudson: I really like your song.

Rachel Berry: Listen carefully, because I mean every word of it.

Announcer: And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!

Rachel Berry: # What have I done #
# I wish I could run #
# Away from this ship going under #
# Just trying to help #
# Hurt everyone else #
# Now I feel the weight of the world #
# Is on my shoulders #
# What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
# And all that you touch tumbles down #
# 'Cause my best intentions #
# Keep making a mess of things #
# I just wanna fix it somehow #
# But how many times will it take #
# Oh, how many times will it take for me #
# To get it right #
# To get it right #
# Can I start again #
# With my faith shaken #

Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # 'Cause I can't go back and undo this #

Rachel Berry: # I just have to stay #
# And face my mistakes #

Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # But if I get stronger and wiser #
# I'll get through this #
# What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
# And all that you touch tumbles down #
# But how many times will it take? #
# Oh, how many times will it take for me? #

Rachel Berry: # To get it right #
# So I throw up my fist #
# Throw a punch in the air #
# And accept the truth #
# That sometimes life isn't fair #

Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # Yeah, I'll send out a wish #
# Yeah, I'll send up a prayer #

Rachel Berry: # And finally someone will see #
# How much I care #

Girls of ND: # What can you do when your good isn't good enough #

Rachel Berry: # All that you touch tumbles down #
# Oh, my best intentions #
# Keep making a mess of things #
# I just wanna fix it somehow #
# But how many times will it take? #
# Oh, how many times will it take? #
# To get it right #
# To get it right #
Ladies and gentlemen, we're the New Directions!
# Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero #

Santana Lopez: # Huh #

Rachel Berry: # But hey #

Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # Everyone you wanna be, #
# Probably started off like me. #

Rachel Berry: # You may say that I'm a freak show, #

Santana Lopez: # I don't care. #

Rachel Berry: # But, hey #

Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # Give it just a little time, #
# I bet you're gonna change your mind. #

Rachel Berry: # All of the dirt you've been throwing my way, #
# It ain't so hard to take. #

Finn & Rachel: That's right. #

Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # 'Cause I know one day you'll be screaming my name #

Rachel Berry: # And I'll just look away. #

Finn & Rachel: That's right. #

Rachel Berry: # Just go ahead and hate on me run your mouth. #

Finn & Rachel: So everyone can hear. #

Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #

Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care.) #

Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out, #
# You wanna be, #
# You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me. #

Finn Hudson: # Push me up against the locker #
# And, hey, all I do is shake it off. #
# I'll get you back when I'm your boss #
# I'm not thinking 'bout you haters #
# 'Cause, hey, I could be a superstar. #
# I'll see you when you wash my car. #

Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # All of the dirt you've been throwing my way, #
# It ain't so hard to take. #

Finn & Rachel: # That's right. #

Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # 'Cause I know one day you'll be screaming my name. #

Rachel Berry: # And I'll just look away. #

Finn & Rachel: # That's right. #

Rachel Berry: # Just go ahead, and hate on me; and run your mouth #

Finn & Rachel: # So everyone can hear. #

Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #

Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care #

Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out #
# You wanna be, #
# You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# Just go ahead, and hate on me #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah! #

Rachel Berry: # And run your mouth #

Finn & Rachel: # So everyone can hear. #

Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #

Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care. #

Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out, (Mercedes: oh) #
# You wanna be, #

Mercedes Jones: # Be #

Rachel Berry: # You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me, #

Tammy Jean Albertson: Before we start, I would like to say I am not a witch. But, um, I think it's fair to ask. Do we have written proof that these kids were born in the United States of America?

Sr. Mary Constance: For a nun, I'm pretty liberal. But I'm barely a nun. In fact, I just joined because I needed a place to live.

Tammy Jean Albertson: Bless you!

Sr. Mary Constance: The convent is the one place I knew I could stay off the pole. But my question is this. That Dalton Academy... Is it a gay school, or is it just a school that appears gay?

Rod Remington: Could I add a dash of Rod to this lady soup? My hairdresser is a gay, and for fifteen years, he's been with his partner, also a hairdresser. I see no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to marry and raise a family of beautiful wigs.

Sr. Mary Constance: I liked the duet the two boys from Dalton sang.

Tammy Jean Albertson: Oh, boys shouldn't do a duet. The last thing we need to do is send a message to children that "gay is okay." It is not a legitimate lifestyle, and last time I checked, it's not in the Constitution.

Rod Remington: What about that song about Jesus?

Tammy Jean Albertson: Well, that should win.

Sr. Mary Constance: Uh, uh, uh. No, no, no, no. Now, that is just cheap pandering. I didn't even like to be pandered to when I was a stripper!

Rod Remington: Those New Directions had it going on. Those songs were fresh.

Tammy Jean Albertson: Those songs were terrible. I am sorry, but I'm a politician, and when I lost my last election... and there will be a recount... I didn't go around singing about being a loser. I Twittered that Obama is a terrorist.

Sr. Mary Constance: Oh, no, you didn't!

Tammy Jean Albertson: I had to. It's a fact.

Sr. Mary Constance: Oh, oh, gee.

Rod Remington: Okay, ladies, I've heard enough. Let's... vote.

Announcer: And now, to announce our winner, Lieutenant Governor Stevens' wife, Carla Turlington-Stevens!

Carla Turlington-Stevens: My husband is verbally abusive, and I have been drinking since noon. I'm bored. Let's just see who won, huh? The New Directions! You're going to Nationals in New York!

Kurt Hummel: Farewell, sweet prince.

Blaine Anderson: I'm so sorry, Kurt. I know this is really upsetting for you. It reminds you of your mom's funeral, doesn't it?

Kurt Hummel: The casket was bigger, but yes. It's not just that, though. Honestly, I'm upset that we lost at Regionals.

Blaine Anderson: Well, the competition season's over, but we'll still get to perform. We do nursing home shows all the time. And do you know how many Gaps there are in Ohio? Tons.

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I just really... really wanted to win.

Blaine Anderson: You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?

Will Schuester: I'll show you the video when you get home. Have fun in the sweat lodge. Namaste to you, too. Okay. Bye. Ms. Holliday sends her best, and can't wait to congratulate you all in person when she gets back from her meditation retreat. Now, we all know that winning Regionals was a team effort, and Nationals isn't going to be any different. But like in sports, every winning team has a player that rises above to help carry their teammates to victory... The MVP. And I would like to start a tradition of honoring that player after every one of our competitions. So, per a unanimous vote by all of you, our Regionals MVP is... Miss Rachel Berry! Come on up.

Artie Abrams: Yeah!

Will Schuester: Congratulations.

Rachel Berry: Thank you. If I could just say a few words?

Will Schuester: Sure.

Santana Lopez: And here she goes, making me regret voting for her.

Rachel Berry: Well, first of all, I just want to say how amazing the song you guys wrote was. I... I was so inspired. You know, it's... It's funny. I've won a lot of trophies before for singing competitions and dancing competitions, but I've always felt like the girl who never gets the brass ring. And maybe I never will. But today and at Regionals, the way you guys believed in me and... took a chance with me... All I've ever wanted was to feel special and to feel chosen, and I just, um... I wanted to thank you guys so much for giving me that. So... That's all.

Artie Abrams: MVP!

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee. Will's dating the hot substitute, Holly Holliday. She's totally sassy and you can really see why he's into her.

Will Schuester: Sexy.

Ian Brennan: Quinn and Finn are back together in a big way, and so is the Glee club. They did original songs, and now they're headed to New York.

Sue Sylvester: Get out! Go!

Ian Brennan: But Sue thinks Will made her lose at nationals, and she's sort of gone over the edge, even for her, and that's saying something, and that's what you missed on Glee!

Will Schuester: All right. We need $5,000 to pay for our trip to nationals in New York.

Quinn Fabray: What happened to the money that we got from the Cheerios?

Will Schuester: I guess Sue was hiding it in offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands, and we're having some trouble accessing some of it. Any of it. This is salt water Taffy.

Brittany S. Pierce: Ah, I love salt water.

Will Schuester: When I was a student here, we paid for our entire trip to nationals, selling this. Classroom to classroom, door to door, we pushed this stuff like crack. And so will we. So, to make $5,000 at 25 cents apiece, we need to sell 20,000 pieces of Taffy.

Santana Lopez: Wait, do you honestly think that we can sell 20,000 anythings? I mean, we won regionals for the first time since dinosaurs roamed the planet, and I still got a freaking cherry icee facial.

Dave Karofsky: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Santana is right. Nobody cares about us.

Mike Chang: I can't listen to this.

Will Schuester: Mike, are you okay?

Mike Chang: No. You guys complain all the time about being mistreated, but you have no idea what it's like to work your butt off for something and have everyone, even your friends, ignore you.

Lauren Zizes: I am so trying to remember his name right now.

Mike Chang: Artie, Tina, Brittany and I are on the brainiacs.

Rachel Berry: Isn't that the academic decathlon team?

Finn Hudson: Wait. We have one of those?

Artie Abrams: Yes, we do. And the four of us went on the smartypants show, and beat Carmel high to go to the academic decathlon finals in Detroit next week.

Sam Evans: What? You guys were on TV? Well, why didn't you tell us about it?

Artie, Tina, Brittany & Mike: We did!

Will Schuester: Wait, I... I get the three of you being on the team...

Noah Puckerman: Is it because two of them are Asian, and Artie wears glasses?

Will Schuester: No... but Brittany?

Mike Chang: Liz Schneider was our fourth, but she got rubella.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Her parents are hippies who don't believe in vaccinations.

Artie Abrams: Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice.

Artie Abrams: We bribed her with dots. That Sunshine Corazon that Rachel sent to a crack house was on the other team.

Sunshine Corazon: I'll take "deadly cyclones," please.

Rod Remington: Right on, soul sister. In 1970...

Sunshine Corazon: The Bhola cyclone.

Rod Remington: Correct again.

Artie Abrams: Luckily, we had our own secret weapon.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'll take "cat diseases."

Rod Remington: I won't! The first known case of this disease was first diagnosed in Calcutta in 2001.

Brittany S. Pierce: Feline aids?

Rod Remington: Correct. Bonus question.

Brittany S. Pierce: Ringworm. Conjunctivitis. Kidney failure.

Rod Remington: Now, on to our final speed round question. Whoever buzzes in first and answers correctly will win the title and go on to our finals next week in Detroit. Our final category, "white rappers."

Artie Abrams: Sadly, we can't afford to go to the finals, so we're gonna have to forfeit.

Rachel Berry: Why don't you just have your parents pay for it?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Because we shouldn't have to. We're a school club. The school should pay for it. It's a matter of pride.

Will Schuester: You guys are absolutely right. How much do you need to make the trip?

Tina Cohen-Chang: With gas and motels, if we only eat funyuns, uh, $250.

Will Schuester: Which means... We just need to sell more Taffy.

Sue Sylvester: I'm sure you're wondering why I called you all together here in the dead of night, when I'm normally out bow-hunting for hobos. Dustin Goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline. Sandy Ryerson, defrocked educator and legendary friend of Dorothy. Terri Schuester, shrew.

Terri Del Monico: I'm also an assistant manager.

Sue Sylvester: We all have one very important thing in common. We all hate Will Schuester.

Sandy Ryerson: I have a question. Are you single?

Dustin Goolsby: Uh, I'm not gay.

Sandy Ryerson: I don't care. You're hunky, and I'm what they call "predatory gay."

Sue Sylvester: I'll admit I've been on a bit of a losing streak, having lost regionals, and if Will Schuester wins at nationals, my role as reigning champion at this school will be usurped. I'm asking you for your help. Our mission? To destroy the Glee club. We'll target their fragile sense of self-esteem so that they implode long before they can make it to nationals. And I call this union... The league of doom.

Sandy Ryerson: Ooh.

Terri Del Monico: Okay, first of all, that is a ridiculous name. And second of all, what kind of a meeting doesn't have bagels or something?

Sue Sylvester: Wow, it would be hard to be married to you.

Terri Del Monico: And for the record?

Sandy Ryerson: Or mixed nuts...

Terri Del Monico: I am trying to move on with my life. I don't hate Will Schuester.

Sue Sylvester: But you do hate the Glee club.

Terri Del Monico: That's true. I do. And I am looking for a new hobby.

Sue Sylvester: Henceforth, you will be known by the following super villain nicknames. Sandy Ryerson, you are the Pink Dagger.

Sandy Ryerson: Yes!

Sue Sylvester: You are the Honey Badger, nature's most ferocious animal. Look it up on YouTube. Dustin Goolsby? Sergeant Handsome. My codename will be general Zod.

Dustin Goolsby: Hold up. I coach the winningest Glee club in history. We're a lock to beat McKinley at nationals as it is. Why would I want to get involved in this?

Sue Sylvester: Well, because, sergeant, you strike me as a bit of a tool who enjoys playing mind games with your opponents.

Dustin Goolsby: That's true. I really do like doing that.

Sandy Ryerson: Legion of evil?

Sue Sylvester: League of doom.

Sandy Ryerson: You can count me in. Although I am enjoying my second career as a small-time medical marijuana dealer.

Sue Sylvester: Okey-dokey.

Sandy Ryerson: It doesn't change the fact that William took my job.

Sue Sylvester: Here are your beepers. You will await further instructions. And until then, we will be known only as...

Sandy Ryerson: The legion of evil.

Dustin Goolsby: I don't think I was listening when you said what our name was.

Terri Del Monico: Wait a second. Is it "league" or "legion"?

Sue Sylvester: Worst henchmen ever.

Will Schuester: I missed you so much last week. So what do you want to do tomorrow night?

Holly Holliday: Whoa, there, cowboy, we haven't even had our pizza yet.

Will Schuester: I'm just trying to get you when I can. You know, this is actually the first relationship I've had where the girl hasn't been all over me to spend more time with her.

Holly Holliday: Well, get used to it. I'm a sub. I'm a rolling stone. I warned you that being in a relationship with me meant being in a constant state of wanting. I am both awesome and unavailable at the same time.

Will Schuester: You're kind of awesome. What do you think about my Taffy sale plan to send the brainiacs to Detroit?

Holly Holliday: Um, I think it's as terrible as the word "brainiacs," but... Oh, okay. Here's your problem, all right? You're thinking too small, okay? That crazy ex-wife of yours messed with your brain and now you think you can't dream.

Will Schuester: Okay. Well, what's your idea?

Holly Holliday: A night of neglect.

Will Schuester: That actually sounds like life with my ex-wife.

Holly Holliday: Hilarious. No, seriously, here's what you need to do.

Will Schuester: Oh, hot.

Holly Holliday: Have a benefit. You know how they do on TV when there's, like, an earthquake, or they want to raise money for, like, a sad disease.

Will Schuester: That's actually a really good idea.

Holly Holliday: I know it is. See, your kids are feeling really neglected, right? So you fill the auditorium with people who are there to hear them sing, and poof!

Will Schuester: Oh, I'm loving this. And we can sell tickets. And it is a perfect place to practice for nationals.

Holly Holliday: And you know the best part?

Will Schuester: We're only going to do songs by neglected artists. Because it's "a night of neglect."

Rachel Berry: Can you define what you mean by "neglected artist"?

Will Schuester: Um, someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated.

Rachel Berry: Oh, so you mean like me.

Will Schuester: I mean, like all of us. All right, everyone, next Saturday night, in our auditorium, McKinley high's first annual "night of neglect" fund-raiser benefit is officially a go!

Sue Sylvester: Sergeant Handsome, walk with me.

Dustin Goolsby: I'm surprised you even saw me. I was blending in pretty well back there.

Sue Sylvester: Here's your mission. Word on the street is that Schuester and that substitute Holly Holliday are official. I need you to break them up. She's looser than a thrift store turtleneck and probably just as diseased.

Dustin Goolsby: Just my type.

Sue Sylvester: Psst!

Sandy Ryerson: Ready for my close-up, general Zog.

Sue Sylvester: Sandy, how do you manage to enter a building without setting off all the fire alarms?

Sandy Ryerson: You know, I have to say, with all this sneaking around, I have never felt more alive. What's my assignment?

Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, I just learned that the Glee club is performing a benefit concert. It's just the opening we need. There's a student club I want you to sponsor.

Sandy Ryerson: Heckling. The world's second oldest profession.

Azimio Adams: Hell am I doing in here?

Sue Sylvester: Good. Louder.

Sandy Ryerson: In olden times, hecklers provided a needed service to the medieval community.

Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, if I may. Welcome to the very first meeting of the heckling club.

Azimio Adams: You set me up. You told me I was supposed to come here to get homework help.

Sue Sylvester: Congratulations. You're all in.

Becky Jackson: I'm really confused.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm totally doing Lykke Li. She's bjork meets Florence and the machine, and a promising new talent. What about you, Mike?

Mike Chang: The Mike Chang dance dance revolution. I'm tired of my dancing being overshadowed by all of you guys' singing. It's going to be just me and my sweet moves on that stage.

Mercedes Jones: You're forgetting about the most neglected artist this Glee club's ever seen... Aretha Franklin.

Lauren Zizes: Neglected? She's, like, the queen of soul.

Mercedes Jones: See, I auditioned for this club singing "respect," and she's gotten none since. So I'm doing Aretha.

Rachel Berry: Awesome, Mercedes. Awesome, all of you guys. Those songs are great appetizers to my main course. Celine Dion's "my heart will go on." It's gonna be our finale.

Tina Cohen-Chang: That's like the biggest song of all time.

Rachel Berry: No. You don't understand. Celine isn't the neglected artist, I am.

Mercedes Jones: I was kind of hoping to do the closing number.

Finn Hudson: Hey, you guys remember Sunshine Corazon?

Rachel Berry: You are a terrible spy.

Artie Abrams: Seriously, with your size, you easily could have stayed in the air ducts for days.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's right.

Sunshine Corazon: I'm not a spy. I heard about your benefit concert on Facebook, and I wanted to perform. I know what it feels like to be in academic decathlon. No one pays attention to you. No one cares. It's not right. We study so hard.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, but you're in vocal adrenaline. How do we know we can trust you?

Sunshine Corazon: Because I have nothing against any of you. I have 600 Twitter followers. I can get all of them to come.

Finn Hudson: How many tickets have we sold so far?

Noah Puckerman: Four. No one's interested.

Finn Hudson: It's just sad.

Sunshine Corazon: Please, just let me show you what I can do. I would like to sing the perfect song about neglect, "all by myself." I'm such a better singer than everyone else, so I know how it feels. I'm all alone at the top. Also, I'm really short. So even when I'm in a group of people, it feels like I'm wandering alone through a forest.

Rachel Berry: There's no way that she's singing in our auditorium, okay? She's the enemy.

Noah Puckerman: I say we give her a chance. I mean, you owe her, Rachel. You sent her to a frickin' crack house.

Sunshine Corazon: # When I was young,
# I never needed anyone. #
# And makin' love was just for fun. #
# Those days are gone. #
# Livin' alone, #
# I think of all the friends I've known, #
# But when I dial the telephone, #
# Nobody's home. #
# All by myself, #
# Don't wanna be all by myself anymore. #
# All by myself, #
# Don't wanna live. #
# All by myself, #
# Anymore. #
# Don't wanna live by myself, #
# By myself, #
# Anymore. #
# By myself, #
# Anymore. #
# Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh. #
So, can I perform with you guys?

Rachel Berry: Absolutely not. She's just trying to get on our good sides so she can spy on us.

Quinn Fabray: You're one to talk. We told you the same thing about Jesse St. James last year.

Rachel Berry: And you were right!

Finn Hudson: This whole thing isn't about us. It's about helping the brainiacs.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, we need Sunshine's Twitter followers to come and pay for tickets, or there's no point in having a benefit at all.

Rachel Berry: Fine. Mercedes, you're okay with being bumped to the decidedly less glamorous middle spot. Right?

Mercedes Jones: Um... sure, I guess. Absolutely.

Lauren Zizes: Hey, Mercedes, can I have your shoes? I promise to give you a dirty pair of my flip-flops in return.

Mercedes Jones: Do you know how hard it is to find high-top, yellow patent leather sneakers?

Lauren Zizes: Really? I'm surprised you didn't just give them to me, considering how little you think of yourself. You're the most talented singer in Glee club, yet you're constantly taking the backseat to everyone.

Mercedes Jones: Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm-I'm tired of fighting with Rachel all the time.

Lauren Zizes: Okay, you're always singing about r-e-s-p-e-c-t, but respect isn't something you can ask for. You have to demand it. And you deserve it.

Mercedes Jones: You don't seem to have trouble in that department.

Lauren Zizes: Right. You know what? Neither does Aretha or J-lo or Mariah. You know why? Because they get proof every day. I heard Mariah makes appointments at 9:00 A.M., and shows up at 4:00 in the afternoon because she knows people will wait.

Mercedes Jones: But those kinds of demands are ridiculous.

Lauren Zizes: Exactly. But once you see that no matter how ridiculous your demands, people will meet them, you know you have it.

Mercedes Jones: Have what?

Lauren Zizes: Respect. And as your manager, I'd say you're thinking too small.

Mercedes Jones: Wait a minute. Since when are you my manager?

Lauren Zizes: Since you agreed to give me ten percent of whatever we can come up with to ask for.

Mercedes Jones: Sister, you got yourself a deal.

Will Schuester: Are you okay?

Emma Pillsbury: Yup. I will be as soon as this counter's really clean.

Will Schuester: I hear that OCD symptoms tend to get worse when the person is under great stress.

Emma Pillsbury: Carl's gone. He asked for an annulment, which I guess he's legally entitled to, considering we never actually consummated the marriage.

Will Schuester: You guys never...?

Emma Pillsbury: At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is 32 too young? I actually believed that I'd have a handle on my OCD by now. It's just been so long, and... I'm so tired.

Will Schuester: This your lunch?

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. What are you doing?

Will Schuester: One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing. Until then, I'm here for you. No judgment. Just... a friend that you can count on. Cheers.

Finn Hudson: So, uh, the braniacs asked us to be benefit heads for the night of neglect.

Quinn Fabray: And we would like to select you head of talent relations.

Finn Hudson: We figured you're probably used to relating to talent because you're so talented.

Rachel Berry: Well, first, I'm honored that you came to me, but I think it's a little insensitive of you to be flaunting your dating in my face.

Quinn Fabray: Fantastic. 'Cause we are having problems with one of our performers.

Mercedes Jones: A) I need a bowl of green M&Ms. And by bowl, I mean large bowl. Well, really a small barrel.

Finn Hudson: O... kay.

Mercedes Jones: Two) I need humidifiers. Lots of humidifiers. A team of humidifiers whose only job is to make the air that Mercedes breathes more humid.

Quinn Fabray: We'll try our best.

Mercedes Jones: Shh. I'm not finished. Before every performance, I like to wash my hands. And after doing so, I like to dry them on a fresh puppy.

Finn Hudson: Excuse me?

Lauren Zizes: I believe you heard Ms. Jones. In fact, if I were you, I'd probably get a whole litter of Fluffy puppies, just in case she decides to take a post-show shower.

Rachel Berry: Stars make demands the way that babies make messes in their diapers. They can't help it. What a star wants is to just feel appreciated and respected. They just want to feel like they're being heard.

Finn Hudson: She seemed pretty serious about the puppy.

Rachel Berry: Well, obviously, hers is a talent that we have neglected. I can relate. So leave it to me. I'll take care of it.

Holly Holliday: Hello, class. I am the world's most famous and stylish divorcee Wallace Simpson. I was married a bunch of times, and then I fell in love with Edward viii and made him abdicate the throne. I had giant hands, so a lot of people thought I was a hermaphrodite, but that wasn't true. Others said I was a Nazi sympathizer. That was true. Boy, did I think that Hitler showed promise! Tomorrow we're gonna do Catherine the great and her pet stallion Fred, so come early.

Dustin Goolsby: We haven't been introduced. I'm Dustin Goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline.

Holly Holliday: Oh. So you're the big competition at nationals. Well, thank you very much for volunteering your star for our night of neglect benefit.

Dustin Goolsby: What are you talking about? I never approved that. Let me cut to the sexy chase. Think about how many more years you have left of productive ovulating. Those aren't eggs in those fallopian tubes. They're rare, exotic pearls.

Holly Holliday: Oh. So you're trying to seduce me.

Dustin Goolsby: Jackpot. This hairline is 85% my own, and my sperm count is off the charts.

Holly Holliday: Well... As tempting as that sounds, I have a boyfriend.

Dustin Goolsby: Yeah, you do now. Admit it. I'm handsome, I'm good-looking, and I'm easy on the eyes. Also, I'm gorgeous.

Holly Holliday: And I'm dating Will Schuester.

Dustin Goolsby: Let me tell you something about Will schuester. That guy has tiny baby hands. Seriously. It's weird. Once I saw him try to pick up a big Mac, and he couldn't do it. He had to eat it layer by layer. Teeny, tiny, wee baby hands.

Will Schuester: That are big enough to knock your teeth out.

Dustin Goolsby: Well, this is awkward. Consider my offer.

Will Schuester: What offer?

Holly Holliday: He was just hitting on me. Isn't that silly? What's wrong?

Will Schuester: Well, we were supposed to have lunch, and you don't show. And now you're getting hit on by the coach of our archrival.

Holly Holliday: How is that my fault? And by the way, I did show up for lunch, and you looked like you were actually having a pretty good time. I kind of felt like I was intruding, so... Oh, man. I am... I am not the jealous type, Will.

Will Schuester: Neither am I. Look, how about instead of a pointless argument, we rehearse our duet for the benefit?

Holly Holliday: I really don't, uh, feel in the mood to do a duet right now. I think I just have to clear my head.

Will Schuester: Uh, no problem. I'll see you at the benefit.

Rachel Berry: Well, as you can see, we have followed your exact specifications.

Mercedes Jones: Wait, where's my puppy?

Lauren Zizes: She specifically asked for a puppy.

Mercedes Jones: This is unbelievable. How am I supposed to work like this?

Rachel Berry: Don't worry. Puckerman is out right now scouring pounds for the perfect pomeranian.

Lauren Zizes: Good. This is almost worthy of the artist doing the closing number at the benefit.

Rachel Berry: Well, actually, um, Sunshine is going to be doing the last number, because she's bringing in hundreds of people. And so, I'll go on before Sunshine because, I'm, well, me, and, uh, Ms. Holliday and Mercedes will go on before me.

Lauren Zizes: Fine. But Ms. Jones isn't happy about it. In exchange, she's demanding that during the day of the benefit, her feet never touch the ground.

Rachel Berry: Excuse me?

Lauren Zizes: Oh, did you not see Celine's wedding?

Mercedes Jones: Carried in.

Lauren Zizes: Cher's comeback tour?

Mercedes Jones: Carried in.

Lauren Zizes: Gaga at the Grammys?

Mercedes Jones: Carried the hell in.

Rachel Berry: Um, I'm sorry. Are-are you saying that you want to be carried in in a giant egg?

Lauren Zizes: We'll get back to you.

Kurt Hummel: And that was the Spanish classroom. And of course, you know the choir room.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey, you guys, you better get in the auditorium.

Artie Abrams: The show's about to start. It's going to be a full house, ya'll. Got to get there early to get a good seat.

Kurt Hummel: We'll be there in a minute. I'm just showing Blaine around.

Artie Abrams: Thanks for coming and supporting us, guys. It's really cool.

Kurt Hummel: Bye.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, you miss them.

Dave Karofsky: What the hell are you two doing here?

Kurt Hummel: We're here for the benefit. Don't tell me you're going.

Dave Karofsky: I wouldn't be caught dead. I was pumping iron in the gym, and one of the guys told me you two were here spreading your fairy dust all over the place.

Blaine Anderson: Would you just give it up? You can live whatever lie you want, but don't pretend the three of us don't know what's really going on here.

Dave Karofsky: You don't know squat, butt boy.

Santana Lopez: Hey, no, guys, stop!

Kurt Hummel: Real brave with your fists, but you're a coward when it comes to the truth.

Santana Lopez: Truth about what?

Dave Karofsky: It's none of your business, J.Lo.

Santana Lopez: First of all, anything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushee up in my grill.

Dave Karofsky: I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl.

Santana Lopez: Okay. See, here's what's gonna go down. Two choices. You stay here, and I crack one of your nuts... right or left, that's your choice... or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag another day. Oh, and also, I have razorblades hidden in my hair. Mm-hmm. Tons. Just all up in there. Mm-hmm.

Blaine Anderson: We could have handled that.

Santana Lopez: It was more fun doing it together. Oh, crap.

New Directions: # la, la, la, la, la #
# la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la #

Santana Lopez: Hold up, hold up. This just in. According to Sunshine's Twitter, she's not coming, and neither are any of her followers.

Rachel Berry: I told you. She's evil.

Noah Puckerman: I was just in the auditorium. There's, like, six people in there. I say we blow this whole thing off and hit the arcade.

Finn Hudson: No. No. Screw that. These people paid to see us sing. What's that saying? The show's got to go all over the place or something.

Rachel Berry: You mean, "the show must go on."

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: Finn's right, you guys. Okay, whether there's six or 6,000 people, out there, we still have to give it our all. Okay, Tina, you're up first.

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Oh I beg you, #
# Can I follow? #

Becky Jackson: You suck!

Jacob Ben Israel: Where's Rachel Berry?

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Be my only #

Sandy Ryerson: Show tunes! Show tunes! Show tunes!

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Be the water where I'm wading #

Becky Jackson: You make me barf!

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You're my river running high, run deep run wild #
# I, I follow, #
# I follow you deep sea baby #

Azimio Adams: Boo!

Tina Cohen-Chang: # I follow you I, I follow, #

Azimio Adams: Damn, is this even music?

Becky Jackson: Boo! Kiss my ass! I can't take this! I can't stand this!

Jacob Ben Israel: Boo!

Becky Jackson: Boo!

Sandy Ryerson: Boo!

Tina Cohen-Chang: It's the worst I've ever felt in my entire life.

Artie Abrams: I didn't think it was possible for people to hate us even more. We're calling this off.

Will Schuester: Guys, I hate to say it, but I think we have to buck up. Tina, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it's actually a really good lesson for us. I mean, that's a part of show business, guys. Sometimes people can be really mean. Think about what's going to happen if we have an unfriendly crowd at nationals in New York. And I'm sure there's going to be some vocal adrenaline hecklers there, too. We need to find some strength and barrel through this. I think I may know a way to shut those hecklers up for a number or two.

Quinn Fabray: Take as much as you want.

Jacob Ben Israel: Thanks, babe. I'll take two.

Quinn Fabray: And remember, vote Quinn Fabray for prom queen.

Sam Evans: And now, please enjoy the dance stylings of Mr. Mike Chang as he busts some moves to Jack Johnson's "bubble toes." #

Jack Johnson: # It's as simples as something that nobody knows #
# that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes #
# on the feet of a queen #
# of the hearts of the cards #
# and her feet are all covered with tar balls #
# and so #
# well, I was eating lunch at the dlg #
# when this little girl came and she sat next to me #
# never seen nobody move the way she did #
# well, she did, and she does, and she'll do it again #
# when you move like a jellyfish, rhythm is nothing #
# you go with the flow, you don't stop #
# hmm #
# it's as common as something that nobody knows #
# that her beauty will follow wherever she goes #
# up the hill in the back of her house #
# in the wood, she'll love me forever, I know #
# she la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da, la... #
# if you would only listen #
# you might just realize what you're missing #
# you're missing me #
# it's as simple as something that nobody knows #
# that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes #
# on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards #
# he feet are infested with tar balls #
# and la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... #

Kurt Hummel: Whoo! Whoo!

Blaine Anderson: Bravo!

Kurt Hummel: Whoo!

Blaine Anderson: Yeah!

Mike Chang: That was all kinds of awesome.

Sam Evans: Yeah!

Will Schuester: Terrific job, Mike.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Whoo!

Will Schuester: Hey, sounds like the heckling club loved our refreshments.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, but we're almost out of that Taffy. How are we going to keep them from going after us again after the intermission?

Will Schuester: By being so good that they can't heckle us. And I know just the person for the job. W-where's Mercedes? She's up.

Lauren Zizes: I'm sorry. Ms. Jones has not appreciated the way she's been treated and is refusing to go on.

Will Schuester: Let me talk to her.

Lauren Zizes: Don't bother. Mercedes has left the building.

Holly Holliday: Okay, you guys, go find Mercedes. I'm gonna go deal with the haters.

Jacob Ben Israel: Are we in trouble?

Holly Holliday: Oh, no. Not at all. I was just taking the opportunity of intermission to tell you guys what great hecklers you are. You must practice a lot.

Azimio Adams: No, not that much. Just on the Internet only. You know, my posts on NCIS and Miami chat rooms are legendary.

Holly Holliday: You're kidding. I've never seen you on there.

Azimio Adams: You wouldn't. Because I post as "NCISucks" or "NCIStupid."

Becky Jackson: I'm "the Beckster" on the entertainment weekly chatrooms.

Jacob Ben Israel: And my "curlyhairincairo" Twitter account helped bring down mubarak. Technology has allowed us to be brutally cruel without suffering any consequences. In the past, if I wanted to tell someone they sucked, I'd have to say it to their face, which would usually result in them kicking me in the groin.

Holly Holliday: I get it. We live in a culture of insults. I mean, we're constantly bombarded with these images of people who are richer than us, and happier than us, and have more interesting sex than us, and it makes us feel terrible.

Becky Jackson: Preach.

Holly Holliday: You know, we tear them down to feel better about ourselves. And we don't just stop with the people who are on TV or in magazines, we do it to everybody. And we think that because it's done anonymously, there are no ramifications. But there are ramifications, guys. Because it makes you comfortable with insensitivity. Do you know that one of the girls you heckled tonight has been crying for an hour?

Azimio Adams: Are you saying you never ragged on anybody?

Holly Holliday: Oh, of course I did. I spent three years sending hate mail to Debbie Gibson until she wrote me back and said that the stress of my letters was giving her alopecia. And then I felt terrible because I realized it was just my jealousy that she could fill a mall with her adoring fans. You guys are great kids. Some of those insults were rad. But just think about how you could lift up the world if you turned some of those barbs into roses. I mean, intermission's almost over. Why don't you get back in there and turn some of that jeering into cheering?

Azimio Adams: Na, no. I think I'm just going to go home, probably do a new post about how handsome mark harmon is.

Becky Jackson: Me, too. I'm out.

Jacob Ben Israel: I'm splitting, too. They say, "if you have nothing nice to say..." I'll be 18 in three years. Wait for me?

Rachel Berry: Let me in. Let me in. Come on. It's raining. We've all been looking for you.

Mercedes Jones: Don't bother with the pep talk. I'm not going back in there. My demands were not met.

Rachel Berry: Have you ever read anything about Aretha Franklin? She was a gospel singer. And one day, she went to this-this show. Nothing fancy. It was just, like, a state fair. And the master of ceremonies hands her a tiara and calls her the queen of soul. And that's how she earned her crown. That's how she gained all of her respect. Not by-by requesting for special pillows, or-or food, but for doing what she does the best... singing.

Mercedes Jones: I just don't get it. Why are you a bigger star than me? You always get the big solos, the best songs, the moments in the sun. Why is it never me?

Rachel Berry: I don't know. I mean, you're just as good of a singer as I am.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah. And everyone actually likes me.

Rachel Berry: That's your problem. Because I would rather be a star than be liked. And-and... I'm not saying that it's healthy, and I'm not saying that it's better than being loved, but there's nothing... nothing... that I wouldn't do for the chance to be in the spotlight.

Mercedes Jones: I just... really wanted that closing slot.

Rachel Berry: Well, if you want that closing slot, then go in there and take it from me.

Sandy Ryerson: Where is everybody? Let's get on with it.

Blaine Anderson: You're a really horrible person, you know that?

Sandy Ryerson: You sound like my court-appointed therapist.

Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, I'm going to need to speak with you right now.

Sandy Ryerson: Yes, general.

Will Schuester: You know, I had a feeling you might be behind this.

Sue Sylvester: You have no proof.

Sam Evans: And now, ladies and gentlemen, miss Holly Holliday.

Holly Holliday: # Close enough to start a war #
# all that I have is on the floor #
# God only knows what we're fighting for #
# all that I say #
# you always say more #
# I can't keep up with your turning tables #
# under your thumb #
# I can't breathe #
# so I won't let you close enough to hurt me #
# no, I won't ask you #
# you to just desert me #
# I can't give you #
# what you think you gave me #
# it's time to say good-bye #
# to turning tables #
# to turning tables #
# next time, I'll be braver #
# I'll be my own savior #
# when the thunder calls for me #
# next time I'll be braver #
# I'll be my own savior #
# standing on my own two feet #
# I won't let you #
# close enough to hurt me #
# no, I won't ask you #
# you to just desert me #
# I can't give you #
# what you think you gave me #
# it's time to say good-bye #
# to turning tables #
# to turning tables #
# turning tables #
# yeah, yeah #
# turning #
# yeah... #

Sandy Ryerson: Frankly, I resent your implication. I'm a fantastic super villain.

Sue Sylvester: Sandy, I just saw Jacob Ben Israel, azimio and Becky Jackson leave the benefit they were supposed to be ruining together in a car with the license plate "jewfro."

Sandy Ryerson: I lost track of 'em. I went into the bathroom, when I came out, they were gone. I was applying a light coat of powder and practicing catch phrases to use when I really take someone down a peg.

Sue Sylvester: Like?

Sandy Ryerson: You just got poked. Poked by the dagger!

Sue Sylvester: Your job was to crush their spirit, and had you done that, they would have closed up shop by intermission. Now get back in there and question the whole purpose of arts education.

Sandy Ryerson: I'm getting back in there. That Glee club's not gonna know what hit 'em!

Rachel Berry: I tried, but I don't think she's coming. I need to start warming up.

Quinn Fabray: Lauren, you're her manager.Why don't you do something?

Lauren Zizes: See, my client, Ms. Jones, is not picking up her phone.

Quinn Fabray: Oh.

Lauren Zizes: So...

Mercedes Jones: Miss Jones is fine.

Finn Hudson: Wait. Shouldn't one of us be carrying you in?

Mercedes Jones: I have only one more demand. I demand that all of you get your butts out there and watch me sing.

Artie Abrams: Hallelujah!

Lauren Zizes: You heard the woman. Let's go.

Sam Evans: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Mercedes Jones.

Sandy Ryerson: Oh, dear God, I love this song.

Mercedes Jones: # Ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# if you won't let me #
# oh, no #
# I know that a woman's duty #
# is to help and love a man #
# and that's the way it was planned #
# oh, oh-oh, oh-oh #
# it ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it just ain't no way, baby #
# ain't no way #
# ain't no way, baby #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# ooh... #
# if you won't let me #
# stop trying to be someone you're not #
# and if you need me #
# oh, oh, oh #
# to love you #
# say #
# say #
# say, say #
# say #
# you do #
# you do #
# oh, then baby, baby, baby #
# don't you know that I need you? #
# ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# I tell you that it ain't no way, it ain't no way #
# it ain't no way, baby #
# no #
# ain't no way #
# it just ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it sure ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# if you won't #
# let me. #
Oh. All right, girl, time for the closing number. Go bring the house down.

Rachel Berry: Are you kidding me? Nobody could follow that. Okay, the house has been brought down. That was the closing number.

Holly Holliday: Bye. Hey, hot stuff.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Holly Holliday: How are the kids doing? They were amazeballs tonight, right?

Will Schuester: Yeah, they're good. Everyone's in the choir room, and they all want to thank you for helping out with the benefit and the hecklers and... Why were you in the janitor's closet with the door closed?

Holly Holliday: Okay, 'cause I'm a sub, and that's the office that Figgins gives me. Guess what? I just got offered a job to teach french in Cleveland. Isn't that great?

Will Schuester: Full time?

Holly Holliday: No. Who are you talking to? Four months, tops.

Will Schuester: Don't you have any feelings about leaving?

Holly Holliday: Didn't you listen to my song? I told you, Will. I live the glamorous life of a substitute teacher, and I'm deathly allergic to commitment. You knew that this was going to end this way.

Will Schuester: Yeah. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Holly Holliday: You're too nice for me. But you broke my record. Five dates.

Will Schuester: Are you counting that one we had in the janitor's closet yesterday?

Holly Holliday: That was my favorite one.

Will Schuester: Mine, too. You think you're ever gonna settle down?

Holly Holliday: Maybe. But not with you. You're in love with somebody else, and thanks to my counseling, she's available now. And by the way, she's totally into you, too.

Will Schuester: Holly? Will you come back and visit?

Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.

Will Schuester: Sandy, what are you doing in here?

Sandy Ryerson: I tried to be a hater, but I just couldn't do it. That song and the weed I smoked immediately prior... it gave me a change of heart.

Artie Abrams: Mr. Ryerson offered to pay for our trip.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah!

Mike Chang: Bring it!

Sandy Ryerson: It's drug money, but you know, it's actually a fantastic way to launder it. Good-bye, William. I miss the arts, I really do. You just got poked. Poked by the dagger!

The Brainiacs: Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit!

Sue Sylvester: This is a disaster. Pink Dagger, not only did you fail to disrupt the night of neglect. You funded it in full. In fact, you were its only donor.

Sandy Ryerson: Aretha is my kryptonite.

Sue Sylvester: Sergeant Handsome, what do you have to say for yourself?

Dustin Goolsby: Hey, I did get them to break up. Who knew it was gonna be amicable, and sort of have nothing to do with me? I pulled Sunshine out of the benefit. Don't I get credit for that?

Sue Sylvester: No. In my hour of need, Honey Badger, I turn to you. Your time has come.

Rod Remington: Well, at the end of regulation, we're all tied up.

Artie Abrams: Excuse me, Mr. Remington? We would just like to say hi to our friends in Glee club. We love you guys.

Brittany S. Pierce: Love you.

Mike Chang: Love you.

Rod Remington: And now... The tie-breaker question. The category: "Hermaphrodite nazi sympathizers."

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: The Glee club's getting ready for Nationals, and Quinn's getting ready to be prom queen.

Quinn Fabray: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It's the ultimate status symbol.

Ian Brennan: Kurt had to leave McKinley because Karofsky threatened him...

Sue Sylvester: I can't expel a kid for shoving. He'll just say, "I didn't mean to shove that kid. I tripped." Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.

Ian Brennan: But at least he's got Blaine and the Warblers, who just lost at Regionals to the New Directions!

Blaine Anderson: We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?

Ian Brennan: Santana's got it bad for Brittany...

Brittany S. Pierce: This relationship is really confusing for me.

Santana Lopez: Breakfast is confusing for you.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then what is it?

Ian Brennan: Will's sort of always had it bad for Emma, but lately she's gotten super crazy with the cleaning fruit and stuff.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm not following.

Ian Brennan: Like, seriously crazy.

Will Schuester: One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: All right, guys. Nationals are just a few weeks away, and it's time to bear down. Now, your singing at Regionals was amazing, but your dancing... It's booty camp time.

Artie Abrams: Booty!

Will Schuester: So let's get it going. Five, six, seven, eight. Push yourselves, guys. Vocal Adrenaline takes no prisoners.

Finn Hudson: Oh! I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

Rachel Berry: I'm bleeding.

Will Schuester: Let's get you to a doctor.

Rachel Berry: My dad's will be here in 15 minutes. You don't have to stay, Finn.

Finn Hudson: No, I want to wait and hear what the doctor says. I feel terrible.

Rachel Berry: Won't Quinn be mad at you sitting vigil at my bedside?

Finn Hudson: Well, I'm standing, and-and she'd understand how awful I feel even if it's not broken.

Plastic Surgeon: It's broken.

Finn Hudson: Well, I knew I was a bad dancer, but I never thought my dancing was dangerous.

Plastic Surgeon: It's a clean break, so I-I won't have to set it. Considering your deviated septum, I'd consider this a terrific opportunity for a little vanity adjustment.

Rachel Berry: Are you suggesting that I get a nose job?

Plastic Surgeon: You're 16, right? That's when I gave my daughters theirs. It's like a right of passage for Jewish girls.

Rachel Berry: First of all, I like how I look.

Plastic Surgeon: She your girlfriend?

Finn Hudson: No.

Plastic Surgeon: What does your girlfriend look like?

Rachel Berry: Okay, and second of all, I don't want to do anything that's going to affect my voice. My Broadway career depends on it.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, we got a big show choir competition coming up, and Rachel's kind of our best singer.

Plastic Surgeon: Doesn't impact the voice. That's just a myth. The fact is, opening up that septum might allow you to take in more air per breath, which means bigger belts on you high notes.

Rachel Berry: But Barbra...

Plastic Surgeon: Is great. She's also one in a million. The fact is, if you really want to be an actress, you might want to consider looking and sounding the best that you can. I got an appointment open next week. Can I sign you up?

Quinn Fabray: Oh my God, you're getting a nose job.

Rachel Berry: I'm considering having a minor procedure to repair my deviated septum.

Santana Lopez: So, a nose job.

Rachel Berry: Look, I'm... I'm happy with the way that I look, okay? And I've embraced my nose. But let's say I wanted to have a slightly more demure nose. Like Quinn's, for example. I-I would never change my appearance for vanity, but, I mean, the doctor said that it could possibly improve my talent, which would help us all for Nationals.

Will Schuester: Possibly? What about the risks? Your voice is amazing as is, Rachel.

Santana Lopez: Hold up. Could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel's got a bit of a schnoz. I mean, I wouldn't know because, like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things that we wouldn't change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure that Sam's been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways. And I'm definitely sure that Tina's looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

Tina Cohen-Chang: That's extraordinarily racist.

Santana Lopez: I'm keepin' it real.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Sorry, Santana. I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself, and I would never change a thing.

Mike Chang: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hating Asian.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Not many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to be in fashion and mirror what I see in the magazines.

Finn Hudson: My dancing kind of bothers me. Uh, it almost killed Rachel, but I like the way I look.

Santana Lopez: Oh, please. You have weird, puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they're filled with custard, or you could dust them with powdered sugar and they could pass for some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel's fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is that if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.

Will Schuester: Whoa, guys. I'm really shocked at what I'm hearing here. It goes against everything the Glee club stands for. I'm telling you, the thing you would most like to change about yourself is the most interesting part of you.

Mercedes Jones: Well, maybe, but at this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing people use to crush your spirit.

Will Schuester: Rachel's a beautiful girl. She doesn't need a nose job. Saying that she's doing it to enrich her talent is just a convenient excuse to deal with the fact that she's insecure about how she looks.

Emma Pillsbury: Most of the adults we know have trouble embracing their eccentricities, so how can we expect kids to?

Will Schuester: Well, then, it should be our job to help them. I don't want my legacy as a teacher to be conjugated verbs and Glee Club trophies. I want to help them love themselves for who they are, warts and all— Especially warts. How long do we have to do this for?

Emma Pillsbury: Until they're all clean.

Will Schuester: I mean, I'm really enjoying helping you with your OCD.

Emma Pillsbury: Do you know what? I really don't like that term, really. It sounds way too scientific and serious. I really prefer "neat freak" or "cleanybug." But, Will, I really have to tell you, I'm so appreciative of all your help. Really, I have so much more free time now that there are four hands polishing all of my fruit.

Will Schuester: I'm really glad... but shouldn't we be figuring out some techniques you can use to eat your food without scrubbing it?

Emma Pillsbury: You mean with germs and pesticides all over it?

Will Schuester: No, I mean, really deal with your issues on this stuff.

Emma Pillsbury: Will, I've tried, you know, and I... I may not have been born this way, but this is my lot in life. There's nothing I can do about it.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Emma Pillsbury: What for?

Will Schuester: I know how I'm going to get the kids to accept what their differences are— By using their two favorite teachers: Me and Gaga... but I'm going to need your help.

Santana Lopez: I should be prom queen at this school. If I were prom queen, I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen. She's so gullible, I could convince her that by royal decree, I'd made her being with me the law of the land. That's never going to happen. I don't have the votes. Unless I could get the jock block.

Sam Evans: Jack Ryan, you've just boarded the Red October. Sean Connery.

Santana Lopez: And God knows Sam doesn't have the heat at this school yet. Hold on, there's someone at this school who just might have the juice... Dave Karofsky. Holy crap. I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing: I have awesome gaydar.

Mercedes Jones: You haven't asked us anything about our New York trip.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Is it because it's too painful?

Kurt Hummel: Yes, as a matter of fact, but while the New Directions are preparing to perform at Nationals, the Warblers are preparing to perform at a nursing home in a strip mall next to a National Bank. But I'm so proud of you guys.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We miss you so much.

Mercedes Jones: Isn't there any way you could come back to McKinley?

Blaine Anderson: I told him, I would be all for it if it wasn't for Karofsky.

Santana Lopez: Wait, what did you just say?

Blaine Anderson: Kurt needs to be safe.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, can we please change subject?

Blaine Anderson: I'm just saying...

Santana Lopez: That's it. Kurt's the trick to winning prom queen and getting Britt, not to mention totally boosting our chances at Nationals. If I could get Kurt back, I'd be a hero. Even Quinn and Finn would vote for me. And the key? Karofsky. I've got to gay— Go. Go— I've got to go.

Finn Hudson: Um, why is Ms. Pillsbury here?

Will Schuester: She's helping us out with this week's assignment. Now, this is the only club at school that is represented by just about every race, religion, sexual orientation and clique, but many of you are still having a hard time with acceptance.

Mercedes Jones: That's crazy, Mr. Schue. We love each other.

Will Schuester: No, I won't deny that you accept each other, but you don't accept yourselves. This week's assignment has two parts. I want all of you to sing songs about accepting yourself for who you are— The best and the worst parts.

Rachel Berry: What's the second part?

Will Schuester: Well, we're going to do a group number by the queen of self-love— Gaga.

New Directions: Yeah!

Will Schuester: We're going to perform her anthem to acceptance— "Born This Way."

New Directions: Yes!

Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, I still don't know why Ms. Pillsbury is here.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm here to help you with your costumes for the big number. Each of you will be issued a beautifully fitted white T-shirt. We will then use this letter press... to write a word or a phrase that best describes the thing about you that you're the most ashamed of or you'd like to change but you can't because you were born that way, which is super terrific.

Will Schuester: I want you to love those parts of you, you know, embrace them, wear them on your chest with pride.

Mike Chang: Can you give an example?

Will Schuester: Yeah. It's the big moment. Wow, Emma, I thought the whole purpose of you doing this was to write...

Emma Pillsbury: Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, I can get a sunburn indoors at night, and according to recent legend, I have no soul, but I'm here to say that this very curse is what makes me unique. Children, I claim my gingerhood before you today. I was born this way. Hooray. Hooray! Hooray!

Noah Puckerman: Those crowns are a crock. You know what I found out? Not real jewels.

Lauren Zizes: A crown hasn't rested on my head since I won Miss Tiara Toddler Allen County.

Noah Puckerman: Are you serious?

Lauren Zizes: Yeah, three years in a row. I dominated in Western Wear and Runway, but my real talent was baby pull-ups.

Audience: 31! 32! 33!

Lauren Zizes: I was on my way to becoming Miss Ohio. That is, until the shoddy Zizes thyroid kicked in as well as a love of chips, and suddenly I was denied entry into the pageant circuit. They said I no longer looked the part. My dreams were dashed. There's our future queen... a size-two teenage dream.

Noah Puckerman: You know what? We're going to change that.

Lauren Zizes: How?

Noah Puckerman: Baby, you're going to get that crown, and I'm gonna be your king.

Rachel Berry: Thanks for doing this.

Quinn Fabray: I'm surprised more girls haven't asked me. My nose is awesome. I can totally count on your vote, right?

Rachel Berry: Yeah. To... totally. So, what's it like? Looking like you look?

Quinn Fabray: I pretty much have a warped sense of the world. Being a hot 17-year-old, you can get away with or do anything you want, so I kind of always assume that people are always nice and accommodating.

Plastic Surgeon: Okay. So, we, uh, ready to pull the trigger?

Rachel Berry: No, not... not quite yet. Um, I was kind of hoping that I could get an idea of what I might look like after the procedure. Um, this is my friend Quinn.

Plastic Surgeon: Nice nose.

Quinn Fabray: Thank you.

Plastic Surgeon: Very nice.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, Rachel wants it.

Plastic Surgeon: No problem. So I'll click some pics, make up some photo composites. We'll be ready to rock and roll.

Quinn Fabray: # I wish I could tie you up in my shoes #
# Make you feel unpretty, too #
# I was told I was beautiful #
# But what does that mean to you? #
# Look into the mirror #
# Who's inside there? #
# The one with the long hair #
# Same old me again today #

Rachel Berry: # My outsides are cool #
# My insides are blue #
# Every time I think I'm through #
# It's because of you #
# I've tried different ways #
# But it's all the same #
# At the end of the day #
# I have myself to blame #
# I'm just trippin' #

Quinn & Rachel: # You can buy your hair if it won't grow #

Quinn Fabray: # You can fix your nose if you say so #

Quinn & Rachel: # You can buy all the makeup that MAC can make #
# But if #
# You can't look inside you #

Quinn Fabray: # Find out who am I to #

Quinn & Rachel: # Be in a position to make me feel so #

Rachel Berry: # Damn unpretty #

Quinn Fabray: # I feel pretty #

Rachel Berry: # Oh, so pretty #

Quinn & Rachel: # I feel pretty and witty and bright #

Quinn Fabray: # And I pity #

Rachel Berry: # Any girl who isn't me tonight #

Quinn Fabray: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Rachel Berry: # Tonight #

Quinn Fabray: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Rachel Berry: # I feel pretty #

Quinn Fabray: # You can buy your hair if it won't grow #

Rachel Berry: # Oh, so pretty #

Quinn Fabray: # You can fix your nose if you say so #

Rachel Berry: # I feel pretty and witty #

Quinn Fabray: # You can buy all the makeup #

Rachel Berry: # And bright #

Quinn Fabray: # That MAC can make, but if #

Quinn & Rachel: # You can't look inside you #

Quinn Fabray: # Find out who am I to #

Quinn & Rachel: # Be in a position to make me feel so #

Rachel Berry: # Damn unpretty #

Quinn Fabray: # I feel pretty #

Quinn & Rachel: # But unpretty. #

Will Schuester: Beautiful job, ladies.

Woman: She's got my vote.

Woman: She's such an inspiration.

Woman: It's nice to see someone like me on a poster for a change.

Quinn Fabray: What are you doing?

Lauren Zizes: Oh, hey. I'm running for prom queen.

Quinn Fabray: As a joke, right?

Lauren Zizes: Does it look like I'm joking?

Quinn Fabray: Well, when your name appears on that ballot, the whole school's going to think it's a laugh riot, and you may just get enough votes to win.

Lauren Zizes: That's sort of the idea.

Quinn Fabray: And as everybody snickers as they try to squeeze that tiara onto your head, somebody's going to spill pig's blood on you, or something like that, and you'll become more of an outcast than you already are.

Lauren Zizes: Okay. I don't know exactly what your problem is, but you best bring it, Fabray. Because I'm hot as hell, I keep it real, and the people at this school want a prom queen who's like them.

Quinn Fabray: No, they want a prom queen who's somebody they'd like to be.

Lauren Zizes: Look. Not everybody can be born pretty like you. But just so you know, who you are inside and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world— They're two different people.

Quinn Fabray: You don't know anything about me, Lauren. Anything. But you know what? You're about to. Because it just got personal.

Dave Karofsky: I knew you'd ask me out eventually. I'm kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.

Santana Lopez: Give it up. I know.

Dave Karofsky: Know what?

Santana Lopez: That you're gay.

Dave Karofsky: What? Who told you that?

Santana Lopez: No one had to tell me. First of all, I saw you checking out Sam's ass the other day. You know, you really need to be more careful with your leering.

Dave Karofsky: I didn't. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.

Santana Lopez: Like that's any less gay. Second of all, I know about you and Kurt. Remember last week before the benefit? About you being worried about "the truth" getting out. Guess what. It's out.

Dave Karofsky: Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me. I'm going to kick their asses.

Santana Lopez: Okay, you know what? Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you. You're what we call a "late in life gay." You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some page, and you know what? I accept that about you.

Dave Karofsky: Why are you doing this?

Santana Lopez: Because I need you, and you need me. We play on the same team.

Dave Karofsky: You're...

Santana Lopez: Look, I'm not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top yet, either. Maybe in junior college.

Dave Karofsky: This is garbage. I'm not gay.

Santana Lopez: I'm trying to help you out here. Have you ever heard of the term "beards?" It's when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they're gay. Like the Roosevelts. So you and I are going to be each other's beards, and then we're going to win prom king and queen and rule the school.

Dave Karofsky: And what if I say no?

Santana Lopez: Then I'm going to tell everyone about you, and your life will be over. The only straight I am is straight-up bitch. You in or not?

Finn Hudson: What you're doing is terrible.

Quinn Fabray: I have a nice nose. Rachel asked me for help, and I'm giving it to her. And once again, we are fighting about Rachel.I'm your girlfriend.

Finn Hudson: Look, this isn't about who's my girlfriend. Mr. Schue is trying to get us to accept ourselves for who we are, and you're helping Rachel do the exact opposite. That's not cool.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, maybe I'm not down with this week's lesson.

Finn Hudson: I love this lesson.

Finn Hudson: # Whether I'm right #
# Or whether I'm wrong #
# Whether I find a place in this world or never belong #
# I gotta be me #
# I gotta be me #
# The dream that I see makes me what I am #
# That far-away prize #
# A world of success #
# Is waiting for me if I heed the call #
# I won't settle down #
# Won't settle for less #
# As long as there's a chance that I can have it all #
# I'll go it alone #
# That's how it must be #
# I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me #
# I gotta be free #
# I've gotta be free #
# Daring to try, to do it or die #
# I've gotta be me #
# That far-away prize #
# A world of success #
# Is waiting for me if I heed the call #
# I won't settle down #
# Won't settle for less #
# As long as there's a chance #
# That I can have it all #
# I'll go it alone #
# That's how it must be #
# I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me #
# I gotta be free #
# I just gotta be free #
# Daring to try, to do it or die #
# I gotta #
# Be me. #

Will Schuester: All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid to point out something they're really bad at.

Finn Hudson: But I'm getting better, right?

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester? May I have the floor, please?

Will Schuester: It's yours.

Rachel Berry: So, as all of you know, I've had a few consultations with a doctor who specializes in rhinoplasty.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Yes, we know. That's all any of us have been talking about. And we think it's a terrible idea.

Rachel Berry: Okay. Blue eyes, you're such a hypocrite.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I admit, yes, I don't like my eyes sometimes— The shape, the color— But your self-hatred, Rachel, has helped me see the light.

Rachel Berry: I love myself.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Not enough, clearly. When you get a nose job, when you change your eyes, when you bleach your freckles, you're just announcing to the world, "I don't like myself very much." The drams of this week have made me realize, if I don't have many Asian sex symbols to look up to, I have an obligation to maybe become one myself. My new mantra is "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Mike Chang: I love you so much right now.

Rachel Berry: Uh...

Will Schuester: Okay, okay, okay.

Rachel Berry: Okay, uh... Besides Tina's abrupt personal transformation, the compositions came back from the doctor, showing what my nose would look like slightly altered, and I have to say, I'm really happy with the results. They're less Hebraic, and more Fabrayic.

Will Schuester: That doesn't really look like you.

Noah Puckerman: Every year, girls show up to my temple after their 16th birthday, looking suddenly slightly different. And you know what? Even though it's easier to make out with them without getting constantly stabbed in the eye, they're not as hot.

Rachel Berry: Well, this isn't about being hot. It's about conquering your destiny, and finding something in yourself that you want to change and change it. Plus, they said that it could improve my voice, so... Look, if you guys aren't willing to support my decision, then I'm pretty accustomed to making it on my own.

Finn Hudson: Rachel, please don't do this. You're beautiful.

Rachel Berry: This isn't a discussion. I have made up my mind. Rachel Berry is getting a nose job.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: How's the assignment going?

Will Schuester: Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh.

Will Schuester: The word you put on your T-shirt.

Emma Pillsbury: Ginger?

Will Schuester: Right. I was a little disappointed. You and I both know you should have put OCD on it.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, I don't think it's appropriate to talk about such personal things with them. Really, those kids have to trust me. I'm supposed to be a role model.

Will Schuester: And you're not being one. We're trying to teach these kids to... to accept themselves, and you refuse to.

Emma Pillsbury: Will, you know I wasn't born this way. It all started when I was five.

Will Schuester: And you never had any anxiety before that?

Emma Pillsbury: I understand I was a very colicky baby. I mean, I remember getting kicked out of preschool because I was having panic attacks when they made us use manila paper, but...

Will Schuester: You have a severe anxiety disorder, Emma. All of us just humor it because you function so well, and you're so cute about it, but it's really keeping you from enjoying your life.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, fine. Do you know what? If you want me to wear a shirt that says "Batty" or "Loon" on it, I will. Totally fine. So what if I like my fruit free of contaminants? Isn't that healthy?

Will Schuester: You know what I want? I want you to have lunch with me.

Emma Pillsbury: Is that unwashed fruit?

Will Schuester: Yep. Here. Have a blueberry.

Emma Pillsbury: Ugh!

Will Schuester: Come on.

Emma Pillsbury: Uh-uh. No. Stop. This isn't funny.

Will Schuester: I'm just trying to help you get better. I think accepting the fact that you have a problem is the first step.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, what? And you think torturing me with unwashed fruit's going to make me take that step?

Will Schuester: You know what I think, Emma? I think you are an expert at deflection.

Emma Pillsbury: Is that a new shirt?

Will Schuester: And I think you work so hard at helping other people— Counseling them— So that you can avoid doing the hard, painful work on yourself.

Principal Figgins: Okay, listen, I'm all... That's all I'm asking for. Let me finish. Excuse me. Quiet!

Lauren Zizes: No.

Principal Figgins: Quiet, okay?

Finn Hudson: We don't care what he has to say.

Principal Figgins: Shh. Now, I know David has had some issues in the past, but I have great respect for what he's doing right now, and I ask you to hear him out. Thank you.

Sam Evans: How about we punch his face?

Mercedes Jones: Right.

Will Schuester: Okay, that's enough, guys.

Principal Figgins: Excuse me.

Will Schuester: Everyone listen up.

Dave Karofsky: First, I just want to say how sorry I am for what I did to Kurt and for what I've done to a lot of you. I think I've slushied every one of you. I treated Kurt the worst, and I'm really ashamed of who I am and what I did.

Noah Puckerman: Why should we believe you?

Dave Karofsky: You don't have to. I know I'll need to earn your trust. All I can say is that Santana has really helped me to see the light. She showed me all these stories online about kids jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves because they were being bullied so bad. I couldn't believe someone could make another person feel that awful, but she helped me accept that I was one of those bad people, and I don't want to be anymore.

Quinn Fabray: Wait. Santana?

Santana Lopez: This Glee Club is not complete. Not without Kurt. So I've taken it upon myself to try to rehabilitate Dave to see if maybe Kurt would consider coming back and help us win nationals. I did this for us, and then something funny happened. Something... called love.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm going to barf.

Dave Karofsky: I want Kurt to feel safe to come back, which is why Santana and I have started a new club— The Bully Whips.

Santana Lopez: The name was my idea. We're going to be like guardian angels.

Principal Figgins: I have deputized David and Santana and the rest of their club to roam the halls, identifying bullying and stopping it in its tracks.

Azimio Adams: I'm saying I want the pants, okay? The ones you have on right now.

Stoner Brett: Then, what will I wear for the rest of the day?

Azimio Adams: That's a YP— Your problem, not an MP— My problem.

Dave Karofsky: Hey, Z, back off.

Azimio Adams: Say what? What is this? Berets?

Santana Lopez: Everyone deserves a safe school environment. Don't pick on this kid. It's not cool, and we won't allow it anymore.

Dave Karofsky: I'm planning on reaching out to Kurt personally, through Principal Figgins, to try to make amends. This is a chance to really change this place. I hope you can support us.

Burt Hummel: You know, you talk a great game, but all I'm hearing is talk, and talk isn't going to keep Kurt safe.

Principal Figgins: But the anti-bullying club that David started will. The fact is, since the club began enforcing the no-bullying rule, we haven't had one incident.

Burt Hummel: Yeah, and if I took all the water out of the ocean, it wouldn't be wet anymore. The bullying stopped because your top offender stopped.

Paul Karofsky: Mr. Hummel. Can I call you Burt?

Burt Hummel: Of course.

Paul Karofsky: You remember how understanding I was about this when it all began. I didn't come to David's defense. I believed your son. That's because the David I was seeing was not the young man I knew. The boy I raised was a Cub Scout. He was kind, he was a good citizen. I still don't know what was going through his mind when all this bullying stared, but I can tell you that the David I'm seeing now is my son, back again. This... this is real.

Burt Hummel: Do you have any idea how much stress this has caused my family? My son having to leave his friends. My wife and I spending money we don't have on private school 'cause of your son.

Paul Karofsky: Burt, were you always so accepting of homosexuals? We're the same age. I remember what we used to say about the gays when we were younger. Now, it's taken us a long time to figure out what's right. Why can't you just allow David the couple months that it's taken him to figure it out?

Burt Hummel: Because he said he's going to kill my son!

Dave Karofsky: I never actually meant that, though. It's just a figure of speech.

Burt Hummel: How's he supposed to know what?

Will Schuester: Your words still matter, David.

Dave Karofsky: I know. You have to believe how awful I feel about them. Those ones, especially. That's not me. Not anymore.

Will Schuester: What do you think, Kurt?

Kurt Hummel: I believe he realizes what he did was wrong.

Burt Hummel: You're only saying that because you want to be back in this school so bad.

Kurt Hummel: Can Dave and I speak for a moment alone? You can wait right outside in the hall.

Will Schuester: Let's go. Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: What's your angle here?

Dave Karofsky: I'm just trying to make things right.

Kurt Hummel: David, I know, remember? And I haven't told anyone.

Dave Karofsky: Why? It would have made your life a lot easier.

Kurt Hummel: I don't believe in denying who you are, but I don't believe in outing, either. But still, you owe me the truth. What's going on here?

Dave Karofsky: It was Santana's idea. She wants to be prom queen, so she figures, if we can get you back, we'll get everyone to vote for us.

Kurt Hummel: I'm both repulsed and impressed by her Lady Macbethian ways. Hmm. A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you're going to be gay, you simply must know who that is.

Dave Karofsky: Look, I don't know for sure I am gay, okay? Stop being such a broken record.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, I have several options here. I could tell everyone the truth about you...

Dave Karofsky: Dude, I said I'm sorry. You said you wouldn't do that!

Kurt Hummel: Hold on. Or I can return here and marvel with pride at your new anti-bullying movement, which I fully believe in, and further demand that you and I start a chapter of PFLAG here at William McKinley. Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. You need to be educated, David. You may not have to come out, but you need to be educated.

Dave Karofsky: Oh, man, just kill me now.

Burt Hummel: Just keep an eye on your brother.

Finn Hudson: One step ahead of you.

Rachel Berry: You can't be in here, Noah.

Noah Puckerman: It's cool. I checked through the peep hole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going.

Rachel Berry: What can I help you with today?

Noah Puckerman: I just want to talk to you, one hot Jew to another.

Rachel Berry: Oh, God. Look, it's my nose, okay? I am tired of the lectures.

Noah Puckerman: Hear me out. Why are you getting Quinn's nose? If you want to breathe better, why don't you have him give you Karl Malden's nose? Your nose has been passed down from generation to generation as a birthright. It's a sign of the survival of our people.

Rachel Berry: This has nothing to do with our religion.

Noah Puckerman: I need one hour of your time tomorrow. Just one hour. Give me that, and I'll never bug you again.

Noah Puckerman: What the hell is going on?

Mercedes Jones: Well, my fellow Glee Clubbers, it's noon, which means... it's official.

Sam Evans: What's official?

Kurt Hummel: My transfer! Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!

Tina Cohen-Chang: Hi.

Kurt Hummel: Let me breathe! Let me breathe! Let's get ready for Nationals.

Mercedes Jones: Not yet. See, there's a reason we're meeting here today. There's some people that wanted to say good-bye to you, Kurt.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, Dalton's going to miss you. You were a great addition to the Warblers, and you made us a better team. I'm sad to see you go, but we all know this is something that you really want. And I'll still have you after school and on the weekends, but these guys won't, so they wanted to say good-bye.

Wesley Montgomery: And thank you, Kurt.

Blaine Anderson: # I walked across an empty land #

The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # I knew the pathway like the back of my hand #

The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # I felt the earth beneath my feet #

The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # Sat by the river and it made me complete #

The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? #
# I'm getting old and I need something to rely on #
# So tell me when you're gonna let me in #
# I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin #
# And if you have a minute why don't we go #
# Talk about it somewhere only we know? #
# This could be the end #
# Of everything #
# So why don't we go #
# Somewhere only we know? #
# Somewhere only we know #

The Warblers: # Somewhere only #
# We know #
# If you have a minute #

Blaine Anderson: # Ooh... oh-oh... #

The Warblers: # Why don't we go #
# Talk about it #

Blaine Anderson: # Ah... oh #

The Warblers: # Somewhere only we know? #

Blaine Anderson: # This could be the end of everything #
# So why don't we go #
# Somewhere only we know? #
# Somewhere only we know #
# Somewhere only we know. #

Kurt Hummel: I'm never saying good-bye to you.

Mercedes Jones: Hey.

Santana Lopez: Hi.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey.

Santana Lopez: No crying, no crying. We love you.

Kurt Hummel: # I don't know why I'm frightened #
# I know my way around here #
# The cardboard trees #
# The painted scenes #
# The sound here #
# Yes, a world to rediscover #
# But I'm not in any hurry #
# And I need a #
# Moment #
# The whispered conversations #
# In overcrowded hallways #
# The atmosphere #
# As thrilling here #
# As always #
# Feel the early morning madness #
# Feel the magic in the making #
# Why #
# Everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# I've spent so many mornings #
# Just trying to resist you #
# I'm trembling now #
# You can't know how #
# I've missed you #
# Missed the fairy tale adventure #
# In this ever-spinning #
# Playground #
# We were young #
# Together #
# I'm coming out of makeup #
# The lights already burning #
# Not long until the cameras #
# Will start turning #
# And the early morning madness #
# And the magic in the making #
# Yes, everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# I don't want to be alone #
# That's all in the past #
# This world's waited long enough #
# I've come home #
# At last #
# And this time will be bigger #
# And brighter #
# Than we knew it #
# So watch me fly #
# We all know #
# I can do it #
# Could I stop my hands from shaking? #
# Has there ever been a moment #
# With so much #
# To live for? #
# The whispered conversations #
# In overcrowded hallways #
# So much to say #
# Not just today but always #
# We'll have early morning madness #
# We'll have magic in the making #
# Yes, everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# Yes, everything's as if #
# We never said #
# Good-bye... #
# We taught the world #
# New ways to #
# Dream... #

Lauren Zizes: Hey, Lucy.

Quinn Fabray: What did you just call me?

Lauren Zizes: Well, that certainly got your attention. Can we speak privately? Well, you may want to have a seat.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah.

Lauren Zizes: My dad's college roommate was G. Gordon Liddy... and he taught my pop a valuable lesson. He said the key to any campaign is digging up dirt on your opponent, so I did a little digging.

Noah Puckerman: Dude, my permanent record has three volumes. I don't remember doing half this stuff.

Lauren Zizes: Jackpot.

Lauren Zizes: You moved to Lima after eighth grade, right?

Quinn Fabray: I transferred from Fairbrook. That's not a secret.

Lauren Zizes: Well, you must have had a pretty lousy attendance record because I called Fairbrook Middle School and they didn't have a record of anyone named Fabray, which makes sense, as you actually lived in an unincorporated part of Fairbrook Township, which would have meant you would have gone to Belleville Middle School, not Fairbrook. So I took a little field trip.

Quinn Fabray: You didn't.

Lauren Zizes: I did. And you know what? They didn't have a record of anyone named Quinn Fabray, either. They did, however, have someone named Lucy Fabray— Lucy Q. Fabray, to be exact, and she looked like this. You can kind of see the resemblance if you look past the nose job and subtract, eh, 70 pounds.

Quinn Fabray: Stop, okay? That's me. My middle name is Quinn. I stopped going by Lucy because kids made up a mean nickname.

Lauren Zizes: Juicy Lucy?

Quinn Fabray: Lucy Caboosey. I hated the way I looked. I had zits. I was chubby. I felt terrible about myself. I didn't have friends. Nobody would talk to me. I was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog because nobody would be my lab partner. And then I joined ballet, lost a little bit of weight, found out I was athletic, joined gymnastics, then cheerleading. Went on Proactiv for my acne. And when my dad got transferred and got a raise, I asked him if I could get a nose job. And he said yes. Then I asked them to call me Quinn.

Lauren Zizes: So you hate yourself.

Quinn Fabray: No, I love myself. And that's why I did all those things. I've been that girl, and I'm never going back. I was a miserable little girl. And now I'm going to be prom queen.

Lauren Zizes: Yeah. See, I wouldn't be so sure about that. You think everyone's going to vote for you because they want to be like you. Well, I don't know if they're going to want to be like you when they find out that you're a complete fraud.

Quinn Fabray: What are you going to do?

Lauren Zizes: If I were you, I'd check the bulletin boards.

Rachel Berry: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?

Noah Puckerman: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn.

Kurt Hummel: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks, Puck. I'll take it from here. Nice effort. But only I can lead this Barbravention.

Rachel Berry: Is she here?

Kurt Hummel: No. This is a mall in Ohio. Look, Rachel, here's the deal. Do you want to disappoint her?

Rachel Berry: Who?

Kurt Hummel: Barbra.

Rachel Berry: Of course not, Kurt. She's my idol.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, if you get a nose job, then you will be spitting on her legacy. Barbra refused to believe that beauty could only be defined by the blonde, chiseled faces of Hitchcock's beauties, so she redefined what beauty was and became the biggest female star in the world.

Rachel Berry: But what if I can't be like her? Isn't she one in a billion?

Kurt Hummel: So are you, Rachel. And if you let one misguided societal pressure make you change the way you look, then you won't just be letting Barbra down, you'll be letting down all the little girls who are going to look at your beautiful face one day and see themselves. You'll be taking away their inspiration, too. I thought you'd be hesitant, which is why I brought you here. Perhaps, if my words don't inspire you, song will. Go.

Rachel Berry: What are you doing?

Duck Sauce: # Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. So... Nice and clean.

Dr. Shane: I'm afraid we're out of time.

Emma Pillsbury: What do you mean? I just sat down.

Dr. Shane: Well, the therapeutic hour is 50 minutes, and you just spent 48 of them disinfecting the chair. It's clear you have a... a fairly severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Emma Pillsbury: Really?

Dr. Shane: OCD's very treatable. A combination of medication and behavioral therapy will give you some relief from those feelings of... of panic that you might feel if, say, you think you forgot to unplug the curling iron or...

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God, I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.

Dr. Shane: There's a stigma in this country about mental illness. I mean, depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, they're hard to diagnose, so... people don't always appreciate that they're serious problems, but they are.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, um... I don't know. You know, I'm not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger all of my secrets. And... I don't want to start popping pills just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be. This is how I am. This is who I'm supposed to be.

Dr. Shane: Your illness is not who you're supposed to be. It's keeping you from who you're supposed to be. Look, you're a guidance counselor, right? So if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say, "Hey, that's just who you're supposed to be." I...

Emma Pillsbury: I just feel, um... I feel so ashamed.

Dr. Shane: Right. Well, you're not alone. After my daughter was born, I had a severe case of postpartum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasn't even mine. Like all the color just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was that I started to feel just a little bit better? When I admitted that I needed some help. Well... that's what I'm here for. Can I tell you something, Emma? You're going to feel better. I promise. I'm going to give you an SSRI. Start with a low dosage, and that'll help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. And I'd like to see you in about a week.

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Quinn Fabray: Well, it's over.

Finn Hudson: What?

Quinn Fabray: My campaign. I'll never get elected prom queen now.

Finn Hudson: Can I show you something? It's my girlfriend. I used to have another photo, but... I like this one better.

Quinn Fabray: Why? She looks terrible.

Finn Hudson: You think so?

Quinn Fabray: Mm-hmm.

Finn Hudson: 'Cause I think it's the first one where you can really see her.

Quinn Fabray: Thank you.

Finn Hudson: I'll see you in Glee rehearsal, okay?

Woman: She's, like, an inspiration. One of us. One who overcame.

Woman: I always thought she was just some kind of stuck-up bitch, but she's really one of the people.

Woman: Yeah, totally.

Woman: Yeah. Holy crap, it's her.

Woman: Totally.

Woman: You have our votes, Lucy.

Woman: Totally.

Quinn Fabray: Thanks. I'll try not to let you down.

Lauren Zizes: This just in: Jacob Ben Israel's queen poll has you up by 40%. I... suppose I... had that result coming. It's not cool... what I did to you, and I apologize.

Quinn Fabray: I respect you. I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I owned it. And you just do it.

Lauren Zizes: Well, I have to admit... I have considered going blonde.

Quinn Fabray: I'm not so sure. Red, maybe.

Lauren Zizes: Ooh, that's a great idea. Red.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. Do you like my shirt for Glee Club?

Santana Lopez: It's perfect. Check out mine. What? This is perfect. Legend has it that when I came out of my mother, I told the nurse she was fat.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I made a different one for you.

Santana Lopez: I'm Hispanic. Wait, was that supposed to be "Lesbian"?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, isn't that what it says? When you told me all that stuff the other week, it meant so much to me. To see you be so honest. Especially 'cause I know how bad it hurt. I was so proud of you.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, don't get used to it. And certainly don't even think about telling anyone.

Brittany S. Pierce: Why not? You're like the most awesomest girl at this school. Why would you try to hide any of that?

Santana Lopez: I'm dating Karofsky now.

Brittany S. Pierce: It's gross.

Santana Lopez: You don't get a say in who I date anymore.

Brittany S. Pierce: Why not, because I'm dating somebody? Because you're Lebanese and I think I'm bi-curious?

Santana Lopez: No. Because I said I love you. You didn't say you love me back.

Brittany S. Pierce: I do love you. Clearly you don't love you as much as I do or you'd put the shirt on and you would dance with me.

Will Schuester: All right, guys. Listen up. You all did really good this week. It was tough, but I think we came closer as a team and I'm proud of you. And now, I'd like to be the first one to show off my custom T-shirt, revealing something I was self-conscious about in the past, something I was born with, something I've come to accept about myself this past week. So, drumroll, Finn.

Mercedes Jones: I like your chin, Mr. Schue.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, I would've went with "Tears up a lot."

Will Schuester: Uh, is everyone here?

Rachel Berry: Not everyone. I wanted to thank you guys for my Barbravention. And I have an announcement to make. I went to my doctor and... I canceled my appointment. And then I went home and I made this.

Will Schuester: Whoa.

Rachel Berry: So, unfortunately I can't join in on today's dance number. My doctor said I have to stay away from vigorous choreography while my nose heals. So thanks for being patient. And, Finn, next time, watch out for the schnoz.

Artie Abrams: Where's Santana?

Sam Evans: Probably off somewhere making out with Karofsky. Yeah, he can have her.

Will Schuester: Hit it!

Kurt Hummel: # It doesn't matter if you love him #
# Or capital H-I-M #
# Just put your paws up #
# 'Cause you were born this way, baby #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # My mama told me when I was young #
# We are all born superstars #
# She rolled my hair, put my lipstick on #
# In the glass of her boudoir #

Mercedes Jones: # There's nothing wrong with loving who you are #
# She said, 'cause he made you perfect, babe #
# So hold your head up, girl #

Mercedes & Tina: # And you'll go far Listen to me when I say #

Mercedes Jones: # I'm beautiful in my way #
# 'Cause God makes no mistakes #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# Don't hide yourself in regret #
# Just love yourself and you're set #

Kurt Hummel: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# Don't be a drag, just be a queen #
# Whether you're broke or evergreen #
# You're black, white, beige, chola descent #
# You're Lebanese, you're Orient #
# Whether life's disabilities #
# Left you outcast, bullied or teased #
# Rejoice and love yourself today #
# 'Cause, baby, you were born this way #

Kurt, Mercedes & Tina: # No matter black, white or beige #
# Chola or Orient made #
# I'm on the right track, baby #
# I was born to be brave #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # I'm beautiful in my way #
# 'Cause God makes no mistakes #

Mercedes Jones: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Don't hide yourself in regret #

Mercedes & Tina: # Just love yourself and you're set #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #

New Directions: # Born this way #
# Baby, I was born this way #

Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was #

New Directions: # Baby, I was born this way #

Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was born this way #

New Directions: # Don't hide yourself in regret #
# Baby, I was born this way #

Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was #

New Directions: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I'm on the right track, baby #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I was born this way, hey, I was born this way, hey #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey. #

Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee:

Kurt Hummel: Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!

Ian Brennan: Kurt's back at McKinley, but he's still dating Blaine. Sam used to date Quinn, but she's back with Finn, who used to date Rachel, who's still sort of in love with him— Finn, that is. Santana's in love with Brittany, but she's too scared to say it out loud.

Brittany S. Pierce: But you told me you were in love with me.

Santana Lopez: I honestly don't know what I was thinking.

Ian Brennan: And Britt's back with Artie, anyways. Kids these days.

Sandy Ryerson: I have a question.

Ian Brennan: Sue's bent on destroying the Glee Club before Nationals.

Sue Sylvester: Destroy the Glee Club!

Ian Brennan: She even formed an evil league with nicknames.

Sue Sylvester: The League of Doom.

Dustin Goolsby: I don't think I was listening when you said what our name was.

Terri Del Monico: Is it League or Legion?

Sue Sylvester: Worst henchmen ever.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee!

Brittany S. Pierce: # Fondue for Two! Fondue for Two! #
# That's some hot dish! #
# Fondue for Two! #
Hi, I'm Brittany S. Pierce, and this is my new Internet talk show, Fondue for Two, which combines the two things I like most: hot cheese and talking to people. My first two guests are the school's biggest gossips, Mercedes Jones and Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Shouldn't it be Fondue for Three?

Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God, that is hot!

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, so let's get down to some hot dish. Um, I heard a rumor that Mr. Kidney the janitor walks around school drinking vodka out of a teapot.

Mercedes Jones: Is this really what they were doing in the '70s?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Hot mess Mr. Kidney aside, I want to talk about the rumor about Asian men: not true.

Mercedes Jones: I mean, it's not even good. It tastes the way a baby's diaper smells.

Brittany S. Pierce: I heard a rumor that Santana plays for the other team, and I can confirm that rumor: It's 100% true.

Mercedes Jones: Wait. What?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Brittany, are you serious?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. Look, it's Lord Tubbington. Hi! Hi. This is Lord Tubbington. Say hi to the camera. You want some cheese?

Tina Cohen-Chang: That's disgusting.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's my baby.

Mercedes Jones: So, you're just gonna gonna let him do that?

Brittany S. Pierce: Lord Tubbington's allowed to eat cheese because he's on Atkins. Okay, well, that's all we have time for today. Tune in next week for Fondue for Two. We will be dipping raw meat into boiling chocolate.
# Fondue for Two! #

Rachel Berry: Hey.

Sam Evans: Why are you talking to me?

Rachel Berry: Can't I say hello?

Sam Evans: I guess. It's just Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you would try to steal all of my gold.

Rachel Berry: Okay, uh... anyway, I got you this. I know everyone's always making fun of your lips, but I think they're cute and worth weatherproofing. So, considering that we're both single and I think your lips are cute, I was wondering if you would go to to prom with me?

Sam Evans: As in your date?

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Sam Evans: No.

Rachel Berry: No... "No, No" as in...?

Sam Evans: As in no prom.

Rachel Berry: Oh.

Sam Evans: I don't think I'm going.

Rachel Berry: Are you worried that Finn will be jealous?

Sam Evans: Look, you're just not my type, okay, Rachel? So thanks for the lip chap.

Terri Del Monico: I feel like my life finally has purpose. It's so nice to be a part of a cause that's bigger than myself.

Sue Sylvester: Honey Badger, I am so thrilled.

Terri Del Monico: Can I ask why you're dressed like David Bowie?

Sue Sylvester: I'm incognito. We're going deep behind enemy lines. People are starting to sense my weakness. They think I've totally lost my grip.

Barista: Can I help you?

Terri Del Monico: Oh, yes. Can I have a hot tea, please?

Sue Sylvester: I'd just like a large cup of mocha powder. David Bowie's incredibly eccentric.

Barista: Um, we don't take euros.

Sue Sylvester: So, Honey Badger, last week, I had a revelation. Now, as you may or may not know, the Middle East is in chaos. You know what started it all?

Terri Del Monico: No.

Sue Sylvester: A little Web site called Wikileaks. You ever hear of them? Well, they let loose with a couple of rumors. So I told Figgins I wanted to resuscitate The Muckraker.

Terri Del Monico: But the school newspaper was discontinued two years ago, due to lack of interest.

Sue Sylvester: The newspaper is making a comeback at this school, and like print newspapers everywhere, we're leaner and meaner— no longer concerned with facts, fact-checking, integrity or facts. The Muckraker motto? "If I heard it, it's probably true or something."

Terri Del Monico: Sorry, but did you just change disguises?

Sue Sylvester: I'm pretty sure that barista's onto me. Now I'm Ann Coulter. As you may have noticed, I'm coming slightly unhinged.

Patron: Ohio loves you, Ann Coulter!

Sue Sylvester: That's better.

Terri Del Monico: Can I make an observation? You're always trying to destroy Will from inside the Glee Club. But I would like to try getting him out of the Glee Club. Now, I was trolling the Internet last night and I had an idea.

Sue Sylvester: I'll drink to that.

April Rhodes: Excuse me. Do you know where a gal can find a pipin' hot cup of Will Schuester?

Will Schuester: Oh, my God! April! What are you doing here? I thought you were on Broadway!

April Rhodes: I was! My all-white production of The Wiz was a disaster.

Will Schuester: Oh, April, I'm so sorry.

April Rhodes: Don't be! Being publicly humiliated by the New York Times gets me to thinking— why am I weighing myself down with the "Broadway classics"? I should just tell my own story. So I wrote the libretto to Crossrhodes! The April Rhodes Story.

Will Schuester: You're writing a musical?

April Rhodes: Yep. That's why I'm here. So, Will, remember how I bought you your auditorium?

Will Schuester: Oh, yeah.

April Rhodes: Well, I'm gonna need to borrow it cause I'm running a little low on funds.

Becky Jackson: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get your Muckraker here. Extra! Extra! Get your Muckracker here!

Rachel Berry: Hey. I think we should talk about Nationals. We need to do a duet.

Finn Hudson: I don't think that's a good idea.

Rachel Berry: Why are you so concerned with Quinn's feelings when she obviously has no interest in yours?

Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?

Rachel Berry: Haven't you read The Muckraker? It's our school's newspaper. Look at the "Blind Items" column.

Finn Hudson: "What prom queen candidate is spending a lot of time in her closet?" Now that's garbage. Quinn's claustrophobic.

Rachel Berry: No, that's Santana. Read the next one.

Finn Hudson: What the hell is this, dude? "What blondie former cheerleader is having "a secret Moonlight Motel rendezvous - with another big-lipped blondie?"

Sam Evans: Where does it say that?

Finn Hudson: Right on the front page of the school newspaper!

Quinn Fabray: You don't seriously believe this, do you?

Finn Hudson: Well, why shouldn't I? Why wouldn't he do the same thing that I did to him?

Quinn Fabray: Because it's gossip, Finn.

Santana Lopez: This is your fault! You told everyone that I played for another team on your ridiculous melted cheese show.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait. Are you mad? You do play for another team. You were on the Cheerios. And now you're only in the New Directions.

Santana Lopez: And you couldn't have thought of any other way to say that?

Finn Hudson: I swear I'm going to punch your face off!

Sam Evans: Hey, you got a lot of nerve accusing me of cheating when you're the one who snuck in and stole my girl!

Will Schuester: Hey! Hey, Finn, where are you going? Hey, we got rehearsal!

Finn Hudson: Not today!

April Rhodes: Dinner is served.

Will Schuester: I thought you volunteered to make dinner.

April Rhodes: Well, Mama drinks her dinner these days! Honk!

Will Schuester: Uh... Can I be blunt with you, April? I think any show about April Rhodes should be about your emotional journey.

April Rhodes: Oh. Hadn't really thought of that. I forget what a good teacher you are, Will.

Will Schuester: Thanks. And lately, I don't feel like it. I mean, there's just so much drama in the Glee Club right now— more than usual. A lot of whispering and backstabbing and love triangles and questions of sexuality—

April Rhodes: Sounds like your club's got a touch of the Mac.

Will Schuester: The what?

April Rhodes: Fleetwood Mac? They fought all the time! There was affairs and divorces and whispers and gossip. All the stuff that made good bands break up. But they put all that drama to good use and wrote great music.

Will Schuester: You know, I think I might have Rumours on LP somewhere.

April Rhodes: Oh, everybody does. I mean, I don't. I sold mine for drugs. Kidding! Ha! Nope.I actually did that.

Will Schuester: Here we go. You know, I've wanted to do a whole lesson devoted to a single album for a long time. You know, this is a really good idea, April.

April Rhodes: And I'm here to help.

April Rhodes: # Now, here you go again, you say #
# you want your freedom #
# Well who am I to keep you down? #
# It's only right that you should #
# play the way you feel it #
# Listen carefully #
# to the sound #
# of your loneliness #
# Like a heartbeat, drives you mad #

Will Schuester: # Heartbeat... #

April Rhodes: # In the stillness of remembering #

Will Schuester: # Stillness... #

April Rhodes: # what you had #

Will Schuester: # Lonely... #

April Rhodes: # and what you lost #
# And what you had #
# and what you lost #

April & Will: # Thunder only happens when it's raining #
# Players only love you #
# when they're playing #
# I say, women, they will #
# come and they will go #
# When the rain washes you clean you'll know #
# You'll know #
# You'll know #
# You'll know #

Will Schuester: Rumours— a classic record by Fleetwood Mac. One of the greatest albums of all time. Written as the band was breaking apart... to keep it together. Now, this week, we are done with the backstabbing and the gossip, and we're channeling all that energy into working together. So, pick a song from the album, put your own spin on it. Simple as that.

Artie Abrams: What's going on with you and Santana?

Brittany S. Pierce: Nothing.

Artie Abrams: It doesn't sound like nothing. It sounds like something, which is almost always more than nothing.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm down, Artie.

Artie Abrams: Are you cheating on me with her?

Brittany S. Pierce: No, of course not.I mean... I can't. She's a girl. Fooling around with her isn't cheating. It's just friends talking with their tongues super close.

Artie Abrams: Who told you that?

Brittany S. Pierce: Santana.

Artie Abrams: Don't you see that she's manipulating you?

Brittany S. Pierce: That's not cheating either. She told me that.

Artie Abrams: Do you see what's going on here? You're the hottest girl in this school, and I wear saddle shoes on legs that don't work. This shouldn't be happening. Not because I'm in a wheelchair but because I'm obsessed with Angry Birds and my mom cuts my hair.

Brittany S. Pierce: I like your haircut.

Artie Abrams: It's hard enough for me to believe that this is real. If I know that you spend even a little time sharing yourself with someone else... that there's one other person in your life that can provide for you the things that I'm supposed to provide, it's just too much for me to take. And Santana knows that. She's taking advantage of it to break us up.

Brittany S. Pierce: No. Everybody thinks she's a bad person, but she's not.

Artie Abrams: God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?!

Brittany S. Pierce: You were the only person at this school that never called me that!

Artie Abrams: # She broke down and let me in #
# Made me see where I've been #
# Been down one time, been down two times #
# I'm never going back again #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #
# You don't know what it means to win #
# Come down and see me again #
# Been down one time #
# Been down two times #
# Mmm, never going back again #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #

Rachel Berry: Stakeout. So exciting. It's like an episode of Hart to Hart.

Finn Hudson: No, this is not fun or cool.

Rachel Berry: Then why did you agree to do it?

Finn Hudson: Because Quinn cheated on me with Puck, and then she cheated on Sam with me. I just want to be sure.

Rachel Berry: I never understood why you got back with her. I mean, if you can't even trust her.

Finn Hudson: I don't know.

Rachel Berry: I do. Because you forgive your first love anything.

Finn Hudson: Do you believe in that thing called karma?

Rachel Berry: Uh, yeah.

Finn Hudson: Can you explain it to me?

Rachel Berry: Uh, well, it's the law of physics whereby, for example, if you do something to hurt someone, well, then the laws of the universe will work against you until you get hurt. While we're here, have you given any thought to my duet ideas?

Finn Hudson: I can't believe Kurt would do that to Blaine.

Tina Cohen-Chang: What do we know about Sam anyway? I mean, what town is he from? What state? What's his old school like? Maybe he's a serial killer.

Quinn Fabray: You guys, I'm telling you, Kurt wouldn't cheat on Blaine.

Rachel Berry: It's just like the Rumours album. I mean, being apart or on the road is hard for two artists. Performers have this "love the one you're with" mentality. I mean, look at all of us. Look at all the different combinations that we've had. Finnchel, Puckleberry.

Tina Cohen-Chang: McTina Cohen Chang-Chang.

Artie Abrams: Artittany.

Noah Puckerman: Pizes.

Finn Hudson: Guys, we're sitting here squabbling over what? A rumor.

Rachel Berry: Finn's right. We need more information.

Quinn Fabray: I don't want to get into it, but all I'm gonna say... Sam's not gay.

Brittany S. Pierce: God, I'm so sad. Like a sad little panda.

Santana Lopez: Well, that's why I brought you here... to cheer you up. I've been going through that Rumours album and I found the best song that really goes one step past "Landslide" in expressing my feelings for you. My... private feelings.

Brittany S. Pierce: What about him?

Santana Lopez: He's just furniture. Sorry. No offense. Hit it.
# For you... #
# There'll be no more crying #
# For you... #
# The sun will be shining #
# And I feel that when I'm with you #
# It's all right #
# I know it's right #
# And the songbirds are singing #
# Like they know the score #
# And I love you, I love you, I love you #
# Like never before #
# And I wish you all the love #
# In the world #
# But most of all #
# I wish it from myself #
# And the songbirds keep singing #
# Like they know the score #
# And I love you, I love you, I love you #
# Like never before #
# Like never before. #

Brittany S. Pierce: That was beautiful. Okay, so why couldn't you sing that to me in front of everyone now that Artie and I aren't together?

Santana Lopez: No, not-not yet. I'm not ready for that type of public announcement. Ever since that Muckraker thing, people have already started treating me differently. I got asked to join the golf team.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, what if I went first? Come on Fondue for Two. I'll ask you out to prom and I'll tell you how I feel, and all you have to do is say yes.

Santana Lopez: Okay.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: Stop it.

Kurt Hummel: Stop what?

Rachel Berry: I am begging you. Sam is cute, but he's not worth losing Blaine over.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, how I've missed your insanity.

Rachel Berry: He's wearing your jacket, Kurt. I remember that jacket. You wore it April of last year. You said it was your Earth Day jacket because it was made out of recycled hemp. I know how these things work. I remember when Finn and I used to date. Sometimes he would leave his letterman jacket at my house, and I'd wear it to school the next day.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, you need to bone up on your Fleetwood Macology. When they made Rumours, they weren't speaking to each other. Not even "Pass the nondairy creamer." They only spoke about the music. And it was that focus that allowed them to make their masterpiece.

Rachel Berry: You're deflecting.

Kurt Hummel: No, I'm being a team player, and any minute spent on this vicious, hurtful and hateful gossip is a minute taken away from preparing for Nationals.

Finn Hudson: Why would she say that thing about Sam not being gay? She was so sure about it.

Rachel Berry: Well, they did date.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, but the way she said it— there was something else going on. The problem with dating Quinn, besides the mood swings, is that she's so... protective about her feelings. You never quite know where you stand with her.

Rachel Berry: Girls like that do that to keep their power.

Finn Hudson: You never did that. I always knew what you were thinking.

Fleetwood Mac: # And if you don't love me now #
# You will never love me again #
# I can still hear you sayin' #
# You would never break the chain #
# Never break the chain. #

Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue, thank you for being my first interview for The Muckraker.

Will Schuester: To be honest, I had no idea you were the journalist type.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I have a talk show on the Internet, and the comments say that my questions are too gossipy. So I joined the school newspaper to learn to ask the more hard-hitting questions.

Will Schuester: That's fantastic, Brittany.

Brittany S. Pierce: So, question one: boxers or briefs?

Will Schuester: Uh, boxers.

Brittany S. Pierce: Cool. Okay, question two: pantyhose or lace panties?

Will Schuester: I just said boxers.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, well, that wasn't one of the choices, so I'll just write that you refused to answer the question.

Will Schuester: Brittany, these questions are sort of gossipy.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, what age did you start waxing your back?

Will Schuester: Brittany, I don't think these questions are very appropriate.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, hard-hitting journalism is about asking the questions that people really want to know. Um, we need to address some rumors. How many students have you had affairs with?

Will Schuester: Wait... There's a rumor about that?

Brittany S. Pierce: There probably will be now since you didn't really answer the question.

Will Schuester: None!

Brittany S. Pierce: Is it the truth or are you lying? Like when you didn't give me a straight answer about the lacy panties.

Will Schuester: Brittany, I'm sorry, but I need to work on some songs.

Brittany S. Pierce: Are they songs for April Rhodes' one-woman show?

Will Schuester: Yes.

Brittany S. Pierce: Is it because you're leaving the New Directions?

Will Schuester: What?!

Brittany S. Pierce: Because there's a rumor that you'd rather be on Broadway than coaching the Glee Club.

Will Schuester: Brittany, who gave you these questions to ask me?

Brittany S. Pierce: Coach Sylvester said I'm not at liberty to say. She told me this before she finished writing these questions.

Will Schuester: I thought so.

Sue Sylvester: All right, Muckrakers, the rumor mill is up and running. On to lesson two. Making... stuff... up. Jacob, I want you to squeeze this toothpaste into your hand. Now put it back in.

Jacob Ben Israel: Um, I can't.

Sue Sylvester: Exactly.

Azimio Adams: Oh, no, I didn't! Oh!

Sue Sylvester: Fantastic, Azimio. Now my point, ladies and gentlemen, is that once a story is out, it's out forever. You can't put it back in. All right, Muckrakers, we have a deadline. All right, get out of my classroom. Get out of here!

Will Schuester: Brett. Sue, what are you doing? Why are you spreading rumors that I'm leaving McKinley?

Sue Sylvester: Well, William, I'm sure you don't dispute that legendary bratwurst gobbler April Rhodes is in town and you're helping her get back to Broadway. Am I right?

Will Schuester: Of course. But it doesn't mean I'm leaving the school.

Sue Sylvester: Let me ask you something, Will: Why? You know what they say, "Those who can't, teach." Turns out maybe you actually can. Think about that next time you prop your butt chin up on one of those tiny little face toilets. Look at it this way, Will. You'd finally be rid of me.

Becky Jackson: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get you Muckraker here!

Quinn Fabray: I vote for Quinn.

Becky Jackson: Bite me, Fabray.

Quinn Fabray: Finn.

Finn Hudson: Wait, why are you storming? I'm the one who should be storming.

Quinn Fabray: Really? Because the way I see it, I'm the stormer and you should be the stormee. According to today's paper, "Finn and Rachel were seen sitting closely, laughing, talking intimately."

Finn Hudson: We were on a stakeout. What were you doing with him in that motel?

Quinn Fabray: I'm not cheating on you. This time around, I haven't and I won't. You have to learn to trust me.

Finn Hudson: I can't trust you if you won't tell me the truth.

Quinn Fabray: Well, what were you and Rachel doing together, huh?

Finn Hudson: Staking out. That's what you do on a stakeout.

Quinn Fabray: What were you talking about?

Finn Hudson: Glee Club, okay? She wants to do a duet with me. That's all. Trust me.

Quinn Fabray: Well, then I guess we both have to learn to trust each other.

Finn Hudson: I guess so.

Quinn Fabray: And I guess I know what song we'll be singing this week in Glee Club.

Finn & Quinn: # I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to stand 'tween you and love, honey #
# I just want you to feel fine #
# I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to stand 'tween you and love, honey #
# I just want you to feel fine #
# Finally, baby #
# The truth has been told #
# Now you tell me that I'm crazy #
# That's nothing that I didn't know #
# Trying to survive #
# Oh, you say you love me, but you don't know #
# You got me rockin' and a-reelin' #
# Hey, you know what you do #
# Oh, oh, yeah #
# Uh-huh #
# I... #
# I don't want to know. #

Will Schuester: Okay! Terrific job, guys. Um, might want to try to smile a little bit more next time, though.

Rachel Berry: Yeah. It was lovely, but I prefer Quinn's duet performance of "Lucky" with Sam better. Since you and Sam have become a lot closer lately, maybe you guys should do duets together more often.

Artie Abrams: Where is Sam? Quinn and Kurt are both here today, so we know he's not doing the dirty.

Quinn Fabray: I know what you're doing. You want Finn and I to stop singing together so that you can sing with him again.

Rachel Berry: Frankly, yes. Finn and I have amazing proven harmonies. And when it comes to Nationals, I think it makes more sense for him to be paired with me.

Quinn Fabray: Well, it's not happening. Not as long as Finn wants to be with me.

Finn Hudson: Wait, I thought you said this relationship was about trust.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, I trust you. I just don't trust her.

Will Schuester: Quinn, I don't think you can mandate who pairs up for Nationals, all right? Vocal Adrenaline doesn't need any help from us.

Quinn Fabray: I love being here, and I want to win, but my relationship comes first. I'm sorry, but Finn, if you want to be with me, no more songs with her.

Finn Hudson: What?!

Will Schuester: # We took a cab back to my bachelor pad #
# I had a feeling I would see this thing through #
# My doorman Stan, he took you by the hand #
# As he said, "Right this way, you two" #
# But you said #

April Rhodes: # Stanley Glover #
# You were once my lover! #
# It's April! #
# Yeah! I guess I slept with you! #
# Because my name is April Rhodes #
# I've kissed princes and toads #
# And it's a good bet #
# I've slept with you! #
# You! #
Will! Will, oh, that song is fantastic!

Will Schuester: It was amazing progress. I mean, it was emotional, it was funny, it was... It's you.

April Rhodes: Oh, do this with me, Will. Help me take this show to Broadway.

Will Schuester: I'm flattered, but I have to take the kids to Nationals.

April Rhodes: A show choir championship?

Will Schuester: Yes.

April Rhodes: Will, that's their dream. Yes, at one point, it was yours and mine, but look where that got us. We're standing on the exact same stage... wishing that we could have done something bigger.

Brittany S. Pierce: # Fondue for Two! Fondue for Two! #
# That's some hot dish! #
# Fondue for Two! #

Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. I'm Brittany. Welcome to Fondue for Two. My guest today was supposed to be Santana, but she texted about an hour ago, and it just said, "I can't." So, show must go on. Um, I will be interviewing Lord Tubbington. Question one: Do you think The Aristocats is an accurate portrayal of the feline relationship? You know, just because we're doing this interview doesn't mean I'm still not mad at you. 'Cause I know you started smoking again.

Will Schuester: Emma, did you wash those grapes at home?

Emma Pillsbury: I just rinsed them. Yeah, I put the whole bunch in a colander, and I just let the cold water run right over them. For a half hour or so.

Will Schuester: Still, Emma, that's amazing.

Emma Pillsbury: I've been, um, taking my medication for a couple of weeks.

Will Schuester: I'm so proud of you, Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: You inspired me, Will— to make a change, to take charge of my own destiny. And now I want the same thing for you.

Will Schuester: Um, I don't understand.

Emma Pillsbury: I snuck in and saw you and April singing the other day. You're good, Will. Really, you have a gift, you know, and if April is offering you the opportunity to use that gift on the big stage, you have to say yes.

Will Schuester: I-I can't see April's show lighting the town on fire.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, but it's a chance, on a real Broadway stage. And who knows who's gonna come and see it, what great notices you might get. You deserve to at least try this, Will.

Will Schuester: Yeah. I... I can't do that to the kids. Not now. We... We've all worked so hard, and we're so close. Ah.

Emma Pillsbury: Why are you crying?

Will Schuester: The kids. You. You all saved my life. Got me out of a terrible marriage. You helped me find my passion again. I just don't want to lose you. But, Emma... I want to go so badly.

Will Schuester: All right, guys. Who is up first today?

Rachel Berry: Signor Schuester, if it's all right with you, I'd like to do my own reinterpretation of my favorite Fleetwood Mac song.

Will Schuester: Great, Rachel. Which one?

Rachel Berry: "Go Your Own Way." It's the song about the painful breakup between Lindsay Buckingham and Stevie Nicks. Traditionally, it's sung by a man, but today, Rachel Berry's gonna put her own feminine twist on it. Hit it.
# Loving you #
# isn't the right thing to do #
# How can I #
# ever change things that I feel? #
# If I could #
# baby I'd give you my world #
# How can I, #
# when you won't take it from me? #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# You can call it another lonely day #
# Another lonely day #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# Tell me why #
# everything turned around #
# Packin up, #
# shacking up, is all you wanna do #
# If I could #
# baby I'd give you my world #
# Open up, #
# everything's waiting for you #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# You can call it another lonely day #
# another lonely day #
# You can go #
# You can go your own way #

Artie Abrams: I love it.

Sam Evans: Brilliant!

Quinn Fabray: Don't you think it's maybe a little inappropriate that you chose to sing a love song to my guy?

Rachel Berry: You're such a hypocrite! You Little Miss Perfect Prom Queen! You're a cheater who cheats in cheap motels with Sam.

Quinn Fabray: Nothing is going on between Sam and I.

Will Schuester: Enough, guys.

Santana Lopez: You know, I blame Sam for all of this. And Rachel, too, I blame her.

Rachel Berry: What did I do?

Santana Lopez: I'm sure you did something.

Lauren Zizes: See, I'm with Santana. I mean, why doesn't Sam have anything to say about this?

Mike Chang: Guilt.

Noah Puckerman: Seriously, dude, what you're doing is not cool. They both have boyfriends.

Sam Evans: Shut up! Look, I'm not messing around with Quinn or Kurt or any one of those guys. They're just helping me.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, is that what we're calling it now?

Will Schuester: Wait. Hold on. How were they helping you out?

Sam Evans: Kurt was bringing me some clothes, and Quinn was helping me baby-sit my little brother and sister.

Finn Hudson: Then why were you in that motel?

Sam Evans: Because that's where I live now. My dad lost his job a few months ago, then we lost our house, so now we live in that motel in one room. Are you all happy? The truth's finally out.

April Rhodes: Thanks for the invite, ladies. You know what I call an afternoon where I'm getting drunk? An afternoon.

Terri Del Monico: Is there protein powder in this margarita?

Sue Sylvester: And a wee bit of placenta.

April Rhodes: Well, I'd like to propose a toast to Terri Schuester, who still cares about her ex-husband enough to call me up and encourage me to ask him for his help.

Terri Del Monico: Mm.

April Rhodes: It put a hm-mm in my behind. But I don't think Will'll be joining me on the tour.

Terri Del Monico: What? Why?

April Rhodes: Aw, he can't leave those kids. Doesn't know how to break it to 'em.

Sue Sylvester: Blowsy Loads, you leave that to me. Tomorrow's Muckraker will include the ultimate blind-item rumor that Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to join you on Broadway.

April Rhodes: That's not true.

Sue Sylvester: It will be. That's the whole point of yellow journalism— turning rumor into fact. And the hard part— breaking the news to the kids— will be over. He'll be free to follow his heart and the stench of your alcohol sweat to New York City and out of my life forever.

April Rhodes: I don't know. Seems awfully shady. And I once became an Avon lady just so I could rob demented seniors.

Sue Sylvester: Let's look at this way— we all agree Will Schuester has no business teaching in a high school. You believe he's too talented, and I just hate him.

Terri Del Monico: And I just want our old apartment back. I'm living in an efficiency with a raccoon in the wall.

Sue Sylvester: More placenta, anyone?

Sam Evans: Um, I'm trying to get my sister to sleep.

Finn Hudson: Dude, please, please. Just let us in.

Stacy Evans: Hi. I'm Stacy.

Rachel Berry: Hi, Stacy. I-I'm Rachel. This is Finn.

Finn Hudson: Hi.

Sam Evans: Well, she-she's up now. It beats a cardboard box underneath an underpass, right? We keep the rest of our stuff in my dad's car.

Rachel Berry: This is everything you own?

Sam Evans: We sold everything else.

Stevie Evans: Can we go watch TV?

Sam Evans: Yeah, sure. Keep it low, though. Signor Jensen, next-door, is on the night shift again. You want a snack?

Stevie Evans: All right.

Sam Evans: You, too. Get over there.

Finn Hudson: I... I don't understand. What happened?

Sam Evans: We moved up here from Tennessee, you know, 'cause my dad got a great... job offer, and... the economy went to hell, and it's last ones in, first ones out. You know, we spent all our savings on the move and the down payment on the house. You know, when the bank takes your house, they literally... take it. They come by one morning and kick you out of your own house, just lock you out.

Finn Hudson: Why didn't you tell us what was going on?

Sam Evans: You see how information flies around that school, right? You think everyone would've just treated me the same, after they found out? I'd be even more of a freak. Kurt only found out because... I got a job delivering pizzas at night - and happened to bring one to Dalton.

Finn Hudson: Yeah... He told us. Look, I brought these for you. I know Kurt was trying to help you out, bringing... some of his old clothes, but I don't really think that sequined riding pants are for you. So, uh, it's some of my old stuff.

Sam Evans: Thanks.

Rachel Berry: So... what about... Quinn?

Sam Evans: We go to the same church. Couldn't really hide it from her, and I kind of like having her around to do some girl stuff with Stacy. Mom and Dad are out all day pounding the pavement looking for work, but... Nothing. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to keep on the Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: What? N-No, you can't do that.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, we-we've come so far, and I-I know that it's a rough time right now, but you can't quit.

Sam Evans: You guys don't understand.

Rachel Berry: Yes, we do.

Finn Hudson: Quinn told us you hocked your guitar.

Sam Evans: Did you guys buy this back for me?

Rachel Berry: The whole Glee Club did. Look, Sam, we'll do whatever we can to help, anything to keep you in the Glee Club until you get back on your feet.

Sam Evans: First time I've cried.

Stacy Evans: Don't cry, Sammy.

Rachel Berry: We need you, Sam. Ok? And you need the music.

Jacob Ben Israel: Any comment on the vicious rumor left on the Muckraker website about you and Karofsky doing it in the backseat of a parked car in the Holier Than Thou Cemetery?

Santana Lopez: No comment.

Jacob Ben Israel: Any comment on the fact when I looked up the I. P. address of the person who posted the rumor I found out it was you?

Santana Lopez: My computer was stolen. Look, all I can say is that Dave and I are going strong, and we're very excited about our Prom King and Queen campaign. Vote Santofsky.

Jacob Ben Israel: So you two are in love? Soul mates, so to speak?

Santana Lopez: Yeah. I'd say that was accurate.

Will Schuester: All right, clase.

Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue, is this true?

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, the Muckraker says you're bailing on us to do April Rhodes' big show.

Will Schuester: Guys... if there's anything we've learned from this week's assignment, it's that you can't believe every rumor you hear.

Tina Cohen-Chang: But isn't it your dream to sing on Broadway?

Will Schuester: I have a lot of dreams. My top one... being taking you guys to Nationals.

Quinn Fabray: So you're gonna stay?

Will Schuester: Look, we are going to Nationals, together, and we are going to win.

Sam Evans: Hey, everybody. Kind of wanted to get these guys out of the motel for a little while— I hope it's ok if I brought them.

Will Schuester: Of course, of course. Yeah, come on in.

Sam Evans: I was also hoping that maybe... they could help out with a number today. I have the perfect song I want to sing to them, and don't worry, it's good for the assignment, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: The more the merrier.

New Directions: # Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Stop, stop, stop, stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Stop, stop, stop, stop... #

Sam Evans: # If you wake up and don't want to smile #

Sam & Quinn: # If it takes just a little while #

Sam Evans: # Open your eyes, and look at the day. #

New Directions: # You'll see things in a different way #
# Don't #
# Stop #
# Thinking about tomorrow #
# Don't stop #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll be #
# Better than before #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Yesterday's gone #

Finn Hudson: # All I want is to see you smile #

Quinn Fabray: # If it takes just a little while #

Finn Hudson: # I know you don't believe that it's true #

Finn & Rachel: # I never meant any harm to you #

New Directions: # Don't stop #
# Oh... #
# Thinking about tomorrow #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll be #
# Better than before #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look back...#
# Don't you look back #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look, don't you look, no #
# Back #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't, don't, don't you look back #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Thinking about tomorrow. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Prom's coming up and Quinn's desperate to win queen so she can hold on to Finn who still sort of has eyes for Rachel. But Zizes also wants to be queen and Puck's up for king and Karofsky and Santana want to win too 'cause they both got a secret they'd like to keep.

Santana Lopez: Have you ever heard of the term "beards"?

Ian Brennan: Artie and Brittany were BF and GF but he got mad and said she was stupid and now they're not BF and GF.

Brittany S. Pierce: You were the only person at this school that never called me that.

Ian Brennan: Can you believe that? And that's what you missed on Glee.

Jacob Ben Israel: Hi everyone. It's junior prom minus six days here at McKinley and today I'm joined by Junior Prom King candidate Noah Puckerman.

Noah Puckerman: I prefer Puck.

Jacob Ben Israel: So Noah can I get a comment on the recent poll number that put the Fabray/Hudson ticket ten points above you and Zizes... AKA the "Road Warriors."

Noah Puckerman: We're still ahead of Santana and Karofsky by half a point so our campaign strategy is to close the gap using a combination of intimidation and fear.

Jacob Ben Israel: Awesome and classy. One more question... this one was e-mailed in by a fan. "Where does Lauren keep your balls?"

Noah Puckerman: What?

Jacob Ben Israel: I'm sure you've heard the word on the street that you've been neutered by Ms. Zizes. That she's the one who wears the pants in the relationship.

Noah Puckerman: Shut up or I'll beat your ass.

Jacob Ben Israel: I'm not scared... I've been hit by a girl before. This is JBI signing off. Tune in tomorrow when we'll be interviewing frontrunner Quinn Fabray. Hubba hubba.

Principal Figgins: I have some bad news.

Sue Sylvester: Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to go to Broadway. Oh William I'm devasted... Positively horny with grief. As a going-away present here's a spray bottle of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to keep that head-merken looking buttery fresh.

Principal Figgins: No no. Junior prom is in one week and my favorite band cancelled.

Will Schuester: What band?

Principal Figgins: Air Supply William. So I'm inviting my next favorite group: The New Directions.

Sue Sylvester: Nope. No way.

Will Schuester: Um... I agree. I mean normally we would jump at the chance to perform but... I mean we've got Nationals in three weeks which means that we have a lot of rehearsals and a lot of taffy to sell just so we can afford the trip.

Principal Figgins: William this glass is half-full of dreams for all of us. I have decided to give all the money to the Glee Club that I was going to pay Air Supply! So that's $400 right there for you.

Sue Sylvester: I won't allow it... I'm prom coordinator and I was not consulted. Each year I honor the prom with a bowl of my family's secret punch recipe made all the more meaningful to me because it's the punch bowl my grandmother drowned in. And each year that punch bowl is spiked. Such lawlessness will only be encouraged when being screeched at by that Glee Club!

Principal Figgins: Sue it is not a discussion! We are in the lurch!

Sue Sylvester: Fine. Well then let me take this opportunity to make a request. William I have in my Spanks at all times a list of the worst songs ever performed by the Glee Club. And I would appreciate it if you would not reprise any of the following numbers. Number one. "Run Joey Run." You should literally apologize to America for that one. Number two. The ingenius mash-up of "Crazy in Love" and "Hair." Now I know you must have been pretty tired when you put that baby together.

Will Schuester: If you'll excuse me.

Sue Sylvester: We'll see you at the prom butt chin.

Lauren Zizes: I've been to Ann Taylor Loft. Filene's Basement and like six Forever 21s and I cannot find a dress that fits. I'm gonna be forced to make my own dress for prom.

Brittany S. Pierce: Don't. You'll seem poor.

Santana Lopez: You're up for queen. You can't make your own prom dress. Prom is like our Oscars. It's seriously like the most important night of our lives.

Lauren Zizes: What about getting married?

Quinn Fabray: Oh you can get married as many times as you want. You only have one shot at your junior prom.

Mercedes Jones: What are you guys talking about?

Lauren Zizes: Prom dresses.

Mercedes Jones: Thank God I don't have to worry about that. I'm not going.

Kurt Hummel: Why not?

Mercedes Jones: 'Cause nobody's asked me.

Will Schuester: All right guys... prom.

Sam Evans: Please tell me we're not doing songs about prom.

Will Schuester: Nope. We are the prom. Figgins has asked us to perform.

Rachel Berry: Let's do "Run Joey Run." Now I know this isn't ideal with.

Will Schuester: Nationals coming up but we really don't have a choice. And we could really use the money. But I know that prom is a special rite of passage. I'm gonna make sure that all of you guys get a chance to enjoy the dance too. So we're gonna stagger the performances so that each and every one of you has a lot of time to dance with your dates.

Mercedes Jones: Excuse me.

Will Schuester: Is she okay?

Quinn Fabray: Mercedes doesn't have a date for prom.

Brittany S. Pierce: So? I don't have a date. I'm just going to dance and then all your dates are gonna ignore you and come dance with me so... Your dates are really my dates.

Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna go talk to Mercedes.

Rachel Berry: No. Let me.

Rachel Berry: Hey. You know I don't have a date to prom either.

Mercedes Jones: You know I know that I talk a good game about not needing a man and I don't. I just really wanted to take a date to the prom. I want the dress... And the guy... And the damn corsage.

Rachel Berry: Somebody... somebody still may ask you.

Mercedes Jones: It's this Saturday. You know... I just wanted to be Cinderella... Just for one night. One night where a guy would... Would look at me under those corny crepe paper streamers and say... "You look so beautiful." And then he'd... grab my hand and ask me to dance. Isn't that what prom is supposed to be about?

Rachel Berry: You're not gonna go to prom alone. You'll go with me.

Mercedes Jones: That's even more depressing.

Rachel Berry: I have a plan.

Kurt Hummel: Give me your hand. Blaine Warbler... Will you go to junior prom with me?

Blaine Anderson: Prom?

Kurt Hummel: It'll be the social event of the season. You don't want to go to prom with me?

Blaine Anderson: No, no, of course, of course I want to go with you. It's just... Prom.

Kurt Hummel: What about prom Blaine?

Blaine Anderson: At my old school there was a Sadie Hawkins Dance and... I had just come out so I asked a friend of mine the only other gay guy in the school and while we were waiting for his dad to pick us up... These three guys... um... beat the living crap out of us.

Kurt Hummel: I... I'm so sorry.

Blaine Anderson: I'm-I'm out and I'm proud and all that... this is just a little bit of a sore spot.

Kurt Hummel: This is perfect. You couldn't face up to the bullies at your school so you can do it at mine. We could do it together. But I have to say Blaine that if it makes you feel uncomfortable at all then we'll just forget about prom. We'll go to a movie instead.

Blaine Anderson: I am crazy about you.

Kurt Hummel: So I'll take that as a yes?

Blaine Anderson: Yes.

Kurt Hummel: Yes!

Blaine Anderson: Yes, you and I are going to the prom.

Kurt Hummel: Mm mm!

Sam Evans: Is this a surprise party or something? Because my birthday was last week.

Rachel Berry: It-it was? Um no. Mercedes and I we have a proposition for you.

Mercedes Jones: We were wondering if you'd like to go to prom with us.

Rachel Berry: Kind of like a... a three-way date but not the dirty kind.

Sam Evans: That sounds great but I can't afford to take one girl to the prom; I don't know how I'm gonna take two. What's this?

Rachel Berry: Our prom budget.

Mercedes Jones: You're gonna have to borrow a suit from your dad and we're gonna buy five-dollar dresses down at the Goodwill and make our own corsages out of flowers from my mom's garden.

Rachel Berry: And we can walk to prom and then use what's left to get the $8.99 all-you-can-eat pasta special at Breadstix. But you know the $20 it's not charity it's a loan.

Mercedes Jones: So... you'll go with us?

Sam Evans: It would be an honor.

Rachel Berry: Yes!

Kurt Hummel: Ladies, I appreciate you welcoming me into the sacred inner sanctum that is the prom gown dry run.

Brittany S. Pierce: Why did we decide to include Kurt?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Because getting a look past him is like getting a thumbs up from Joan and Melissa Rivers. It just might goose our pre-prom buzz factor.

Lauren Zizes: I look like a lemon meringue pie.

Brittany S. Pierce: I think you look delicious.

Kurt Hummel: Don't despair. Nobody bigger than a size two looks good in a prom dress. I mean they're practically designed to make us look awkward. I think the color is wrong. Let's go navy, hm? It's chic and slimming.

Lauren Zizes: Duly noted.

Kurt Hummel: Agree? Agree?

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh my God.

Tina Cohen-Chang: It's brilliant. Absolutely.

Kurt Hummel: Next.

Brittany S. Pierce: I knew it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Fashion.

Kurt Hummel: Devil in a red dress. Perfect and it's totally appropriate for your personality. I have no criticisms. Go with God Satan. Santana. Now if you ladies'll excuse me I have to pull options for my own prom outfit.

Santana Lopez: Wait so you're going? Stag? That's just tragic.

Kurt Hummel: Yes I'm going and not alone. With Blaine.

Brittany S. Pierce: Congratulations!

Tina Cohen-Chang: That's amazing!

Santana Lopez: Ladies if you'll excuse me I have a private fashion question for Kurt.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay.

Santana Lopez: So Kurt, I think that you need a full security detail which the Bully Whips and I would be more than happy to provide you with. You know like the Hell's Angels when the Rolling Stones the Rolling Stones performed at Altamont Speedway. I think that went off without a hitch.

Kurt Hummel: And why would you do that?

Santana Lopez: Because I'll get sympathy votes for prom queen. I'll be like the law-and-order Eva Peron candidate. Grimace and Stretch Marks won't stand a chance.

Noah Puckerman: So since you don't have a date to the prom now I was hoping you could help me out with Operation Punch and Judy. Every year at McKinley they crown a king and queen at the prom but there's a shadow world... a dark community of trouble makers that crown the prom anti-king.

Artie Abrams: And you're planning on that being you?

Noah Puckerman: My street cred's in the gutter. If I actually win Prom King with Lauren, I'll never be able to rebuild my reputation as a lovable but dangerous miscreant. I have to spike Coach Sylvester's punch.

Artie Abrams: What does this have to do with me?

Noah Puckerman: I'm prime suspect number one. Coach Sylvester won't let me within ten feet of that bowl. When she grabs me I'll create a diversion with my sweet dance moves. She'll be mesmerized hypnotized by my love dance. That's when you'll sneak in behind us and pour a bottle of gin in the bowl. Awesome right? So are you in? As my ass-istant bad-ass?

Artie Abrams: Look I'm... I'm sorry. While I admire your bad-boy villainy and yes long for the day when I am similarly cool I just I don't think spiking the prom hooch will impress Brittany enough. There's got to be a surefire way for her to both forgive me and accept my prom proposal. There's got to be.

Rachel Berry: Oh, members of the Audio-Visual Club I may possibly sing this song at prom and when I'm done rehearsing I'd like your feedback. Tell me if I was brilliant or simply outstanding.
# There's a fire #
# Starting in my heart #
# Reaching a fever pitch #
# And it's bringing me out the dark #

Jesse St. James: # Finally #
# I can see you crystal clear #
# Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare #
# Ooh... #
# See how #
# I leave with every piece of you #
# Don't underestimate #
# The things that I will do #
# There's a fire #
# Starting in my heart #
# Reaching a fever pitch #
# And it's bringing me out the dark #
# The scars of your love remind me of us #
# They keep me thinking that we almost had it all #
# The scars of your love #
# They leave me breathless #
# I can't help feeling #

Rachel & Jesse: # We could have had it all #

Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
# Never had met me #

Rachel & Jesse: # Rolling in the deep #

Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
# Rolling in the deep #

Rachel & Jesse: # You had my heart #
# Inside of your hand #

Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #

Rachel & Jesse: # And you played it #

Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #

Rachel & Jesse: # To the beat #

Audio-Visual Club: # Rolling in the deep #

Jesse St. James: # Throw your soul #
# Through every open door #

Rachel Berry: # Count your blessings to find what you look for #

Jesse St. James: # Turn my sorrow #
# Into treasured gold #

Rachel Berry: # Pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown #

Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #

Rachel & Jesse: # Yeah we could have had it all #

Audio-Visual Club: # Never had met me #
# Tears are gonna fall rolling in the deep #

Rachel & Jesse: # We could have had it all #

Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
# Never had met me #

Rachel & Jesse: # It all it all #

Rachel & Jesse: # It all #

Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #

Jesse St. James: # Hey #

Audio-Visual Club: # Rolling in the deep #

Rachel & Jesse: # You could have had it all #

Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #

Rachel & Jesse: # Rolling in the deep #

Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
# Rolling in the deep #

Rachel & Jesse: # You had my heart #
# Inside of your hand #

Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #

Rachel & Jesse: # And you played and you played and you played #
# And you played it #
# To the beat. #

Jesse St. James: It's good to see you again Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Jessie... what are you doing here?

Jesse St. James: I mean how was I supposed to know that I was actually supposed to show up to those other classes at school? I was majoring in show choir. I just assumed it would be like at Carmel and the school would get some Asian kid to take math and English and scientific for me.

Rachel Berry: That's awful.

Jesse St. James: I came back to see you, Rachel. What I did to you... that's my one great regret.

Rachel Berry: Yeah. It was kind of weird. One day you were telling me that you loved me and then you were inexplicably throwing eggs at my head the next.

Jesse St. James: I know. I know. I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship. It was a bum deal. For a first maybe but for a fourth no way. I've come to make amends. So, what are you doing for prom?

Finn Hudson: So I heard a nasty rumor that Jessie St. James is back in town and I also heard that he is going to be your date.

Rachel Berry: No, he's joining Mercedes and Sam and I on our prom on a budget. He's going to be in town for a while though so I'm not sure what's going to come of it.

Finn Hudson: I just... I don't trust him. Don't you remember what he did to you how awful he was?

Rachel Berry: You can't tell me what to do anymore, okay? If I want to date Jessie or anyone for that matter it stopped being your business when you broke up with me.

Finn Hudson: I-I still care about you.

Rachel Berry: Look, all I ask is that whoever I choose that you be as supportive of me as I have been of you and Quinn even though I'm dying every day inside about it.

Finn Hudson: You know I don't even want to go to the stupid prom anymore. Quinn has got me handing out pens with our names on them. Where's the dignity? And I hate renting those tuxes and the corsage... I know I'm going to pick the wrong one and then Quinn's going to be all pissed off and her mom's going to look at me like...

Rachel Berry: Hey just... just get her something simple... A wrist corsage. Girls like Quinn... you don't want to do anything that's going to distract from their face so ask for a gardenia with a with a light green ribbon wrapped around it to match her eyes. Okay?

Dave Karofsky: Everything looks good. No gay protests or rainbow flags being lit on fire down this way.

Santana Lopez: Are you finished talking?

Dave Karofsky: Yeah.

Santana Lopez: When you're finished talking you should say "over."

Dave Karofsky: Sorry. No burning Liberace mannequins. Over.

Santana Lopez: All right lady lips all clear. Teen gay you may now proceed to the next checkpoint without fear of violence.

Kurt Hummel: Why are you speaking so loud?

Santana Lopez: I'm the law-and-order prom queen candidate here to protect every student at this school from harassment. Did she...?

Kurt Hummel: I'm, I'm walking away from you now.

Mrs. Hagberg: Just crack the egg.

Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't understand the difference between an egg with a baby chicken inside of it and an egg with an egg in it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: They're the same thing.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, that's really confusing because this is a baby chicken's house.

Kurt Hummel: Mrs. Hagberg, I understand that cupcakes are really trendy right now and I know the making of a foie gras might be a little morose but um I would like to at least graduate high school knowing how to make some kind of pâté.

Artie Abrams: Excuse me, Mrs. Hagberg. I need to say something. Brittany I was a jerk to you. And I want to make it up to you with a song so maybe you'll consider going to prom with me.

Kurt Hummel: A prom proposal.

Artie Abrams: # Isn't she lovely? #
# Isn't she wonderful? #
# I never thought through love we'd be #
# Making one as lovely as she #
# But isn't she lovely #
# Made from love? #

Mercedes Jones: I thought this song was about a baby.

Artie Abrams: # Isn't she pretty? #

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh my God.

Artie Abrams: # Truly the angel's best #
# Boy I'm so happy #
# We have been heaven blessed #
# I can't believe what God has done #
# Through us he's given life to one #
# But isn't she lovely #
# Made from love? #
# Isn't she lovely? #
# Life and love are the same #
# Londie it could have not been done #
# Without you who conceived the one #
# That's so very lovely #
# Made from love #
# Ow! #
So?

Brittany S. Pierce: Artie that was lovely but I'm not going to go to prom with you. You called me stupid and I really didn't like that so I'm sorry but I'm gonna go to prom by myself and really work on me and dance with other people's dates.

Artie Abrams: I understand. I, I hope you know how sorry I am.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.

Noah Puckerman: Dude... Sorry for the timing but I'd really like to revisit the possibility of you helping me spike the punch bowl.

Artie Abrams: I'm in. I have nothing to live for.

Blaine Anderson: So you think it's cool if I jam with you guys at prom?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, totally.

Burt Hummel: Good news, boys. My buddy Enzo from the tux rental shop is giving you half off.

Finn Hudson: Sweet.

Burt Hummel: Yeah. So, what are you going to go with?

Blaine Anderson: I'm going simple... Black thin lapel collar... very discreet.

Burt Hummel: Know what I wore to my prom? I wore a powder blue tux with a ruffled shirt and a big velour bowtie. Looked like Tony Orlando.

Blaine Anderson: Was that a designer?

Burt Hummel: No.

Kurt Hummel: No need for half off my outfit.

Burt Hummel: Because half of it is already off?

Kurt Hummel: My ensemble is an homage to the recent royal wedding and the late Alexander McQueen. I had to make it myself. There's simply nothing off the rack that is suitable for the young fashionable man in Ohio.

Finn Hudson: Dude that rocks. It's like gay Braveheart.

Kurt Hummel: Thank you.

Burt Hummel: I don't like it.

Kurt Hummel: Well of course you don't like it. It's not finished yet. I think it still needs like a sash or maybe some beads.

Burt Hummel: Look I'm not going to stop you from wearing it but I got to be honest... I... I think you're just trying to stir the pot a little bit. I think you're trying to get some attention.

Kurt Hummel: Exactly. What's the point of dressing up? I mean that's why some guys wear the tails with the top hat and and the girls wear the hoop skirts. I mean... Blaine help me out here.

Blaine Anderson: I think your dad has a point. I-I think what he's trying to say is that we just don't want to give anyone a reason to cause any trouble.

Burt Hummel: There's a lot of bad people out there Kurt and they're a lot worse than this Karofsky kid and all they're looking for is a match to light under the fire of their hate. Now of course I I want I want you to be yourself but I also I want you to be practical.

Kurt Hummel: I have done everything right. Now Blaine, I understand that after what you've been through you're worried but prom is about joy not about fear. So I am wearing this suit. I worked hard on it and I think it's fantastic and if you don't want to join me I completely understand.

Dave Karofsky: Here we are third period French class. I'm going to calculus so wait inside the classroom after the bell rings until I get back to walk you to lunch.

Kurt Hummel: Have you noticed that no one has said boo to me this week?

Dave Karofsky: That's 'cause the Bullywhips are protecting you.

Kurt Hummel: Maybe. But maybe no one has been harassing me this week because nobody cares.

Dave Karofsky: You're dreaming.

Kurt Hummel: Okay look I'm not saying that everyone in this school is ready to embrace the gay but maybe at least they've evolved enough to be indifferent. I see how miserable you are, Dave. I could just hate you when you were bullying me but... now all I see is your pain. And you don't have to torture yourself over this. I'm not saying you should come out tomorrow but maybe soon the moment will arise when you can. What's wrong?

Dave Karofsky: I'm so... I'm so freaking sorry, Kurt. I'm just... so sorry for what I did to you.

Kurt Hummel: I know. I know.

Dave Karofsky: Cool. Thanks. Remember you wait for me here, right?

Judy Fabray: Quinny! Your date's here!

Finn Hudson: That's one of the good things about being in Glee Club. You really get to know your way around a cummerbund.

Judy Fabray: Let me get my camera.

Quinn Fabray: You look great.

Finn Hudson: You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I uh... I got you a wrist corsage.

Quinn Fabray: The ribbon matches my eyes.

Finn Hudson: I know.

Judy Fabray: Okay, you two, picture time. You look like Cinderella. Let's get together. Ah! Okay. Give me prom pose.

Rachel Berry: Mercedes, can I just say that you look fierce in your dress?

Jesse St. James: Totally Mercedes. You both look smokin'.

Mercedes Jones: You're damn straight, we do.

Sam Evans: Seriously though Jessie what do you think of the bolo tie? Pretty cool, right? Saw Springsteen in the cover of Tunnel of Love album wearing it.

Jesse St. James: Dude that was like 20 years ago. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your family, Sam.

Rachel Berry: Um, I hope it's okay; I sort of filled Jessie in on what was going on.

Jesse St. James: Of course it's okay. Sam has nothing to be ashamed of. I know how tough it is out there. I couldn't even get a job as one of those singing waiters at Johnny Rockets. But I've got an idea. They say that the best time to start any business is during a recession. I don't know why or even what a recession is but it's my understanding that we're in one.

Rachel Berry: He's so smart. I can't believe he flunked out of college.

Jesse St. James: So I was thinking. What are the two things that I'm great at? Show choir and destroying the competition. So what if I opened up a dance studio where I could act as a consultant for show choirs looking to get that extra edge?

Mercedes Jones: Do you think there are enough show choirs to keep you in business?

Rachel Berry: Of course there are. That-That's a brilliant idea! You could... You could be like The-The Show Choir Whisperer. I'm sure we could get Mr. Shue to hire him in a second and that's how we can beat Vocal Adrenaline!

Quinn Fabray: Hey guys. You look amazing! And don't forget to vote for Hudson-Fabray tonight.

Finn Hudson: Hey Jessie. What'd you order scrambled eggs? I mean I know you usually like them served on people's heads.

Jesse St. James: Quinn you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night. I'll be more than happy to cut in.

Mercedes Jones: Okay hush you guys. You're totally ruining the vibe. Quinn you look hot. Finn you look handsome. Love you guys but get lost. We'll see you there. All right. This is gonna be off the hook.

Sam Evans: Who's ready for some prom?

Rachel Berry: I'm ready for prom.

Sam Evans: Go prom.

Mercedes Jones: I like prom.

Rachel Berry: Cheers guys.

Artie Abrams: # Ooh ooh ooh yeah yeah yeah #

Sam Evans: # Ah ah-ah-ah ah ah #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah yeah #

Sam Evans: # Ooh ooh yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah-ah-ah yeah-ah-ah #
# Yeah-ah-ah yeah-ah-ah #
# Yeah yeah yeah #

Noah Puckerman: # 7:00 a.m. waking up in the morning #
# Got to be fresh got to go downstairs #
# Got to have my bowl got to have cereal #

Artie Abrams: # Cereal #

Noah Puckerman: # Seein' everything the time is goin' #
# Tickin' on and on everybody's rushin' #

Artie Abrams: # Tickin' on and on #

Noah Puckerman: # Got to get down to the bus stop #
# Got to catch my bus I see my friends #

Artie Abrams: # I see my friends #

Sam Evans: # Kickin' in the front seat sittin' in the back seat #
# Got to make my mind up which seat can I take? #

Noah Puckerman: # It's Friday Friday got to get down on Friday #
# Everybody's looking forward to the weekend weekend #

Sam Evans: # Friday Friday gettin' down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend #

Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #

All: # Yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #

All: # Yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Fun fun fun fun lookin' forward to the weekend #

Sam Evans: # Yesterday was Thursday Thursday #
# Today is Friday Friday #

Noah Puckerman: # Partyin' #

Sam Evans: # We-We-We so excited #

Noah Puckerman: # Partyin' #

Sam Evans: # We so excited #
# We gonna have a ball today #
# Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards #
# I don't want this weekend to end #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah, yeah. R-T, Artie Abrams #
# So chillin' in the front seat #

Noah Puckerman: # In the front seat #

Artie Abrams: # In the back seat #

Noah Puckerman: # In the back seat #

Artie Abrams: # I'm drivin' cruisin' #

Noah Puckerman: # Yeah yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Fast lanes switchin' lanes with a car up on my side #
# Whoo come on passin' by is a school bus in front of me #
# Makes tick tock tick tock wanna scream #
# Check my time it's Friday it's a weekend #
# We gonna have fun come on come on y'all #

Noah Puckerman: # It's Friday Friday got to get down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend weekend #
# Friday Friday gettin' down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend #

Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #

All: # Yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #

All: # Yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Fun fun fun fun lookin' forward to the weekend. #

Brittany S. Pierce: Best prom ever!

Rachel Berry: # I know I can't take one more step towards you #
# 'Cause all that's waiting is regret #
# And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? #
# You lost the love I loved the most #
# I learned to live half-alive #
# And now you want me one more time #
# And who do you think you are? #
# Runnin' round leaving scars #
# Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart #
# You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul #
# So don't come back for me #
# Who do you think you are? #

Kurt Hummel: Isn't it great that the prom is so inclusive this year?

Rachel Berry: # It took so long just to feel all right #.

Blaine Anderson: Someone for everyone.

Kurt Hummel: Even if it's a lie.

Rachel Berry: # Remember how to put #
# Back the light in my eyes #
# I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed #
# ' Cause you broke all your promises #
# And now you're back #
# You don't get to get me back #
# And who do you think you are? #

Sam Evans: Mercedes?

Mercedes Jones: Yes.

Sam Evans: I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful.

Rachel Berry: # Collecting your jar of hearts #.

Sam Evans: Would you like to dance?

Rachel Berry: # And tearing love apart #

Mercedes Jones: I'd love to.

Rachel Berry: # You're gonna catch a cold #
# From the ice inside your soul #
# Don't come back for me #
# Don't come back at all #
# Who do you think you are? #
# Who do you think you are? #
# Who do you think you are? #

Quinn Fabray: I'm so happy to be here with you. It's what I've always wanted.

Noah Puckerman: Tora Tora Tora. It's go time. Hey Coach. Want to boogie?

Sue Sylvester: There's no music.

Noah Puckerman: It's okay. I got the music in me.

Sue Sylvester: Ah-ah! In my office... now!

Artie Abrams: What are you doing?

Sue Sylvester: I'm just showing you my dental kit.

Artie Abrams: Oh my God. You're going to start pulling out my teeth out, aren't you?

Sue Sylvester: No, no. That would get me sent to prison. What I am going to do is attempt to give you a simple cleaning which as anyone who's been to the dentist will tell you is an excruciating affair of intense oral pain.

Artie Abrams: What?! No it isn't. Who's your dentist?

Sue Sylvester: Sue Sylvester DDS. Now we can get all HMO up in your Glee-hole or you can tell me who put you up to spiking my bowl. Come on Legs. It was Puckerman, wasn't it? Oh he'll get expelled and you'll be one Mohawk short at Nationals.

Artie Abrams: Please let me go. All I want is to get back out there and have one dance with Brittany.

Sue Sylvester: Okay let me get this straight. I'm trying to interrogate you and you just told me the one thing you really want. You are the worst P.O.W. Ever. John McCain is rolling over in his grave.

Blaine Anderson: # You are the girl #
# That I've been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl #
# You are the girl that I've been dreaming of #
# Ever since I was a little girl #

Tina & Brittany: # One #

Blaine Anderson: # I'm biting my tongue #

Tina & Brittany: # Two #

Blaine Anderson: # He's kissin' on you #

Tina & Brittany: # Three #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh why can't you see? #

Tina & Brittany: # One two three four #

Blaine Anderson: # The word's on the streets and it's on the news #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you #
# He's got two left feet and he bites my moves #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to #

Tina & Brittany: # Dance dance dance dance #

Blaine Anderson: # The second I do I know we're gonna be through #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you #
# He don't suspect a thing #
# I wish he'd get a clue #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to #

Tina & Brittany: # Dance dance dance dance #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh oh... #
# Dance #

Finn Hudson: Hey!

Tina & Brittany: # One #

Finn Hudson: Hey! Hey dude keep it PG.

Jesse St. James: Dude it's none of YB...Your business.

Tina & Brittany: # Dance #

Finn Hudson: Well this is my school so it's my business.

Jesse St. James: Well this isn't your girlfriend so beat it MJ.

Tina & Brittany: # Dance #.

Jesse St. James: Don't push me.

Quinn Fabray: What's the matter with you?

Finn Hudson: Huh?

Rachel Berry: Stop it!

Quinn Fabray: You're ruining everything.

Becky Jackson: Code Blue in the gym Coach!

Blaine Anderson: # Oh oh he's got two left feet... #

Rachel Berry: Stop it! Hey! Come on.

Blaine Anderson: # Dance dance dance dance #
# Dance dance dance dance dance! #

Sue Sylvester: Prom is over for you Sugar Ray! You too Marvelous Marvin! You're out! Let's go!

Rachel Berry: What?!

Finn Hudson: What do you mean out?!

Quinn Fabray: Wait but... he and I are nominated for prom...

Sue Sylvester: Sucks for you sister!

Principal Figgins: Attention students attention. Will the candidates for king and queen gather on the stage. The votes are in. This is the moment you've all been waiting for where we announce our Junior Prom King and also Prom Queen. Roll the drum please. And this year's Junior Prom King is... David Karofsky!

Santana Lopez: You suck so bad Quinn Fabray. I won.

Principal Figgins: And now... Your 2011 McKinley High Prom Queen... ...with an overwhelming number of write-in votes is... Kurt Hummel.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt? Stop! Kurt!

Kurt Hummel: I've never been so humiliated!

Blaine Anderson: Kurt. Stop. Stop Kurt! Please just stop. Come on.

Kurt Hummel: Don't you get how stupid we were? We thought that because no one was teasing us or beating us up that-that no one cared. Like... like some kind of progress had been made. But it's still the same.

Blaine Anderson: It's just a stupid joke.

Kurt Hummel: No it's not. All that hate... They were just afraid to say it out loud. So they did it by secret ballot. I'm one big anonymous practical joke.

Rachel Berry: Quinn you need to calm down.

Quinn Fabray: This is your fault! Nobody ever would have voted for me 'cause they know he would rather be with you.

Rachel Berry: That's not true.

Quinn Fabray: I'm so sorry.

Santana Lopez: How could my running mate win and I didn't? I mean just because I hate everybody doesn't mean they have to hate me too.

Brittany S. Pierce: It's just a stupid crown you can buy at the Party Store.

Santana Lopez: I'm gonna be an outsider my whole life. Can't I just... have one night where I'm queen?

Kurt Hummel: I'm not going back in there.

Santana Lopez: Where I'm accepted?

Kurt Hummel: No way.

Quinn Fabray: There's no way I'm staying at this school I'm gonna transfer.

Santana Lopez: Soon as we get to New York I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony. Or Tribeca.

Blaine Anderson: Would you at least sit down? Do you want to go? We don't have to go back in there.

Kurt Hummel: Wasn't this prom supposed to be about redemption? About taking away that lump you had in your throat from running away? If we leave all it's gonna do is give me a lump too.

Blaine Anderson: So what do you want to do?

Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna go back in there and get coronated. I'm gonna show them that it doesn't matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back they can't touch me. That they can't touch us. Or what we have.

Rachel Berry: Most girls would be upset about being slapped in the face but I happen to appreciate the drama of it.

Quinn Fabray: I know you think it's hard to be you Rachel but at least you don't have to be terrified all the time.

Rachel Berry: What are you so scared of?

Quinn Fabray: The future. When all this is gone.

Rachel Berry: You have nothing to be scared of. You're a very pretty girl Quinn. You're the prettiest girl I've ever met but... you're a lot more than that. Here. Can I help?

Santana Lopez: They must have sensed that I was a lesbian. I mean they must have. Do I smell like a golf course?

Brittany S. Pierce: People don't know what you're hiding they just... they know that you're not being yourself. If you were to embrace all the awesomeness that you are you would've won.

Santana Lopez: How do you know?

Brittany S. Pierce: Because I voted for you. And because I believe in you Santana.

Santana Lopez: This prom sucks! Now what am I supposed to do?

Brittany S. Pierce: Go back out there and be there for Kurt. This is gonna be a lot harder for him than it is for you.

Blaine Anderson: Are you ready for this?

Sue Sylvester: Well Stumbles it's 10:00 p.m. You've officially missed your prom.

Artie Abrams: I'm not gonna rat somebody out for doing something that I did. I was upset and I wanted to impress a girl. But I wasn't down on getting everybody wasted so I poured a flask of lemonade into the punch.

Sue Sylvester: Wait. You didn't spike the punch?

Artie Abrams: Yes I did.

Sue Sylvester: With alcohol?

Artie Abrams: Oh. Yeah then no I didn't.

Sue Sylvester: Well why didn't you tell me that before? I was just about to pull out a couple of your molars.

Artie Abrams: So can I go?

Sue Sylvester: You should really be ashamed of yourself. You are seriously no fun to interrogate or almost torture.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh my God. I feel so bad for him.

Principal Figgins: Ladies and gentlemen your 2011 Prom Queen Kurt Hummel.

Kurt Hummel: Eat your heart out Kate Middleton.

Principal Figgins: And now behold the tradition of our 2011. Prom King and Queen sharing their first dance.

Kurt Hummel: Now's your moment.

Dave Karofsky: What?

Kurt Hummel: Come out. Make a difference.

Mercedes & Santana: # Ah ah ah... #
# Ah-ah ah ah ah... #

Dave Karofsky: I can't.

Mercedes & Santana: # Ah ah-ah... #

Blaine Anderson: Excuse me.

Mercedes & Santana: # Oh yeah #

Blaine Anderson: May I have this dance?

Mercedes & Santana: # You can dance you can jive #.

Kurt Hummel: Yes. Yes you may.

Mercedes & Santana: # Having the time of your life #
# Ooh ooh ooh #
# See that girl #
# Watch that scene #
# Diggin' the dancing queen #

Santana Lopez: # Friday night and the lights are low #
# Lookin' out for a place to go #
# Oh where they play the right music #
# Getting in the swing #
# You come to look for a king #

Mercedes & Santana: # And when you get the chance #
# You are the dancing queen #
# Young and sweet #
# Only seventeen #
# Dancing queen #
# Feel the beat #
# From the tambourine #
# Oh yeah #

Santana Lopez: # You can dance #

Mercedes Jones: # You can sing #

Santana Lopez: # You can jive #

Santana Lopez: # You can jive #

Mercedes & Santana: # Having the time #
# Of your life #
# Oh oh oh #
# See that girl #
# Watch that scene #
# Diggin' the dancing queen... #

Mercedes Jones: # Dancing dancing #
# Queen... #

Mercedes & Santana: # Diggin' the dancing queen. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Nationals is in New York City, and everyone's really excited. Jessie St. James is back in town, and he's starting a show choir consulting business.

Jesse St. James: Two things that I'm great at... Show choir and destroying the competition.

Ian Brennan: The New Directions should hire him. A.) They really want to win and B.) He's super-handsome. Terri's back, too, and Sue wants the Honey Badger to take out the Glee Club Terri's back, too, and Sue wants the Honey Badger to take out the Glee Club before they can get to New York. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: New Directions, I would like to introduce you to our new show choir consultant... Jessie St. James.

Finn Hudson: I don't trust this guy. How do we know he's not just going to trick us into doing something stupid, so his Alma mater wins?

Jesse St. James: I don't think I need to do much tricking to get you to do something stupid, Finn.

Will Schuester: Guys, Jessie is just a consultant. I still make all the calls. Now, I have all the confidence in the world in you guys. I just think we could use all the help we can get. Because... this is it. We've been working so hard for two years for this moment, and that moment is finally here. Now, I was talking with Jessie, and he agreed that we should continue with our successful trend of doing original songs for the competition. I was thinking of doing one group number and one duet.

Finn Hudson: Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at Regionals with "Faithfully."

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, killed us... we lost.

Jesse St. James: May I?

Will Schuester: Uh, yeah.

Jesse St. James: I agree that Rachel should sing lead, but Finn, I think it's best if you sit this one out. Fact is, most of the other guys in here are better singers, and Mike Chang, who can't even sing, can at least dance. You kind of sing and dance like a zombie who has to poop.

Finn Hudson: You-you see? You see what I'm talking about? The guy's a jerk!

Will Schuester: Jessie, maybe you could, uh, be a little bit gentler with your advice.

Jesse St. James: Gentle?

Will Schuester: Yes.

Jesse St. James: I'm sorry. I didn't realize that we were training for the "good try" ribbon at Nationals. I thought we were in it to win the whole damn thing. And there's only one way we can do that.

Brittany S. Pierce: Poison darts?

Jesse St. James: The Vocal Adrenaline strategy is simple... Identify your best performer and build the entire performance around them.

Mercedes Jones: So what does everyone else do?

Noah Puckerman: And who's our star performer?

Will Schuester: We're going to have auditions to find out. I'm going to post a sign-up sheet later this afternoon.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Shue, don't you think this is kind of not our style?

Sam Evans: Normally, I'd agree with you, Finn, but this is the big time. I think we should listen to Jessie.

Terri Del Monico: I just don't know what you're so angry about.

Sue Sylvester: Honey Badger, I am lactating with rage! The Glee Club travels to New York for Nationals in one week. They have purchased airline tickets... Tickets that I would like to screw up. I asked you to recruit an expert computer hacker, and you bring me this.

Howard Bamboo: Do I get a super villain nickname?

Sue Sylvester: Your nickname is Panda Express.

Howard Bamboo: But I'm not Chinese.

Sue Sylvester: Neither is the food at Panda Express.

Terri Del Monico: Look, I'm on top of this. All the official travel for the school goes through the Lima Heights Travel Agency. All we have to do is e-mail them through Principal Figgins' e-mail account.

Sue Sylvester: So what's the hold up?

Howard Bamboo: We don't know his password.

Sue Sylvester: Principal Figgins is an idiot... Something America is chock full of. What is the most common password in America?

Terri Del Monico: One, two, three, four?

Howard Bamboo: We're in.

Sue Sylvester: Outstanding.

Howard Bamboo: The travel agency sent arday confirming an itinerary with a layover in Chicago before heading on to New York.

Sue Sylvester: Compose an e-mail requesting a flight that's routed through Tripoli.

Terri Del Monico: Tripoli? Wait, isn't that in Libya?

Sue Sylvester: The second that plane touches the tarmac, they'll be swarmed by armed militants.

Terri Del Monico: Wait, are-are we trying to have the Glee Club killed?

Sue Sylvester: Or kidnapped and killed. Panda... make it so.

Terri Del Monico: Someone really woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

Sue Sylvester: You have no idea.

Becky Jackson: Mr. Schuester?

Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Becky.

Donna Jackson: Mr. Schuester, I'm Donna Jackson. I'm Becky's mom.

Becky Jackson: I really need to talk to you. I want to be in Glee Club.

Will Schuester: Well, that's great, Becky. Can you sing?

Becky Jackson: Not really, but neither can most of the kids in Glee Club.

Will Schuester: But I-I thought you were having such a good time on the Cheerios.

Donna Jackson: Sue kicked her off.

Sue Sylvester: Becky, you're off the Cheerios. I don't want to see you anymore. Is that understood?

Becky Jackson: Did I do something wrong, Coach?

Sue Sylvester: You heard what I said. I want your pom-poms on my desk by the end of the day.

Will Schuester: I... I-I don't know what to say.

Donna Jackson: Becky's been totally depressed. She hasn't been eating...

Becky Jackson: Can I please be in Glee Club, Mr. Shue? I just want to belong.

Will Schuester: Becky... We're a week away from Nationals. I mean... I mean, the... the season is almost over. I'd love for you to join next year. But for now, I... I'm afraid there just isn't a place for you.

Donna Jackson: We understand. Thank you for your time.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Becky Jackson: I hate this school.

Will Schuester: You are a terrible person. Becky was loyal to you, Sue. Cheerios gave her a sense of purpose, and then you just rip it away from her for no reason.

Sue Sylvester: I'm going to be honest with you, Will. I do have a reason. She reminds me of my sister.

Will Schuester: What does that have to do with anything? You love your sister.

Sue Sylvester: I do, William, and she died yesterday.

Will Schuester: What?

Sue Sylvester: You know, when we were younger, people always told me Jean wouldn't live very long. Used to be that people with Down's didn't live past 30. But then she turned 35, and then 40, and when she turned 50, I thought, somehow, we might grow old together. Last week, she got pneumonia. Doctor said it wasn't bad, and they put her on antibiotics. I was there with her. I wanted to stay the night, and she told me to go home. At 2:00 A.M., I got the call that she had passed away in her sleep.

Will Schuester: Sue, I am so sorry.

Sue Sylvester: Could you leave me alone, please?

Rachel Berry: To think, two short years ago, I was marching down this hall to sign up for Glee Club auditions. And now, look at me... look at us. Nationals. So much has changed. I didn't have my bangs, I'd never had a boyfriend, and I still had a tiny layer of baby fat. But there's one thing that hasn't changed... my dreams. I'm still going to be a star, which means I would kill to get this solo. Hey, you haven't signed up to be the lead vocalist at Nationals. Santana, Mercedes and Kurt have. Hey. You're the male lead of this group, Finn. Everybody looks to you for guidance.

Finn Hudson: I don't need Nationals to feel better about myself.

Rachel Berry: We-we-we've... we've been working towards this moment for two years now.

Finn Hudson: And I've been busting my ass to be a better singer and dancer for two years. And that Jessie ki comes in, and he wipes out all that hard work in ten seconds. My confidence is shot.

Rachel Berry: No, you're... you're really good, Finn. Okay? You have to believe me.

Finn Hudson: I'm... I'm Lima good. Not New York City good. R-Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm not auditioning.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow, Will. That's a lot of vests. Um, okay... let's get started. So I've got one box for going with you, one box for storage and one box for giving away.

Will Schuester: I'm not going away forever, Emma. Rehearsals for April's show start two days after Nationals, and then opening night is three weeks later. I'm guessing we close that night and then I'm back on a bus, back to my vests the next day.

Emma Pillsbury: Will you stop? Stop with all that. You're too afraid to admit that you're leaving, but you are. That's why you've asked me to help pack up your apartment, and that's why we're going through your vests. Do the kids know?

Will Schuester: No way. Can't let anything distract them from the task at hand. Besides, by the time they get back from summer break, I'll be home. You are so organized.

Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.

Will Schuester: Whoa. That one's a keeper. I wore this the first week of Glee Club.

Emma Pillsbury: Mmm. Right. What about, um... what about this one? Will, did you wear this the first time you tried the new coffee machine in the teacher's lounge?

Will Schuester: That's the one I was wearing the first time I met you.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, you know what? You have to let it all go. You're following your dreams.

Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester?

Finn Hudson: We brought you some flowers and stuff. We're sorry for your loss.

Sue Sylvester: Put them over there with the rest. There were more arrangements, but I had to throw some of them out. I'm allergic to pansies. And I don't mean that as a swipe at either of you. So... why'd you bother doing this... Buying me flowers, comforting me... after I've actively made your life a living hell and enjoyed doing it?

Kurt Hummel: We both know what it's like to lose someone really close to you.

Finn Hudson: I sort of do. My dad died when I was a baby.

Kurt Hummel: Yeah. His dad's dead, and my mom's dead.

Sue Sylvester: So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this?

Kurt Hummel: Not at all.

Sue Sylvester: 'Cause if I was being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don't know how to deal with this. I can't go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jean's things. And I won't plan a funeral.

Kurt Hummel: Have you told your mother yet?

Sue Sylvester: As far as I'm concerned, she said her good-byes to us years ago. If you boys would really like to help me, you might start by explaining why it was her time and not mine. She's the sweetest person I ever met. And as both of you can attest, I'm probably the meanest, so how come I'm the one still standing here talking to you?

Finn Hudson: We need to help her. She's overwhelmed, and... She needs us to help her.

Santana Lopez: Seriously? I'd like to put the "fun" back in "funeral" just as much as the next girl, but why would the Glee Club help Coach Sylvester plan a service?

Kurt Hummel: We're not doing it for Sue; We're doing it for her sister.

Finn Hudson: Jean is just like us, guys. I mean, she's been an outsider and an underdog all of her life. We, of all people, should celebrate that.

Jesse St. James: Can I say something? When someone dies, yes, it's a tragedy, but it's also a part of life. And you can't let death put your life on hold. Now, I don't mean to be blunt, but I don't think you should be planning a funeral the same week you should be focusing on the set list for Nationals.

Finn Hudson: Seriously? You... you're serious?

Jesse St. James: Actually, yes, I am. Do you know what Vocal Adrenaline is doing right now? They're in their third week of 24-hour-a-day rehearsals. They're on an I.V. drip. That's how hard they're working. Do you know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop, like Weekend at Bernie's.

Finn Hudson: No. Thanks for your input, Jessie, but we're helping Sue with the service for her sister. Rachel, you said I needed to be more of a leader of this club... well, here goes. I'm making the call. We're doing this.

Will Schuester: Sue, hold on a second. Finn and Kurt told me that you agreed to let the Glee Club help out with your sister's funeral, and I... I just wanted to say that we're honored, and it takes a big person to reach out like that and ask for help.

Sue Sylvester: I didn't ask for help; They volunteered. And I only agreed on the condition that. Frankenteen and Lady Trousers help me clean out Jean's room at the nursing home. They look like they could use the exercise, and I like the idea of using your Glee club as unpaid labor.

Will Schuester: Sue, I know you're going through a hard time right now. And despite our differences, I just, I just want you to know that you can lean on me if you need to.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, William, I wouldn't dare lean on you. So much grease in your hair, I'd probably slide right off.

Will Schuester: I'm still not convinced that this is the best idea. I don't want any of the kids to feel like they're losers.

Jesse St. James: But that's a crucial part of the process. You see, I took a class at UCLA in judging for reality TV shows, so I'm totally ready to give feedback that's both blistering and unhelpful. It was a really good class. I learned a lot. We're ready for the first contestant.

Santana Lopez: My name is Santana Lopez, and I will be singing Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black." #
# He left no time to regret #
# Kept his lips wet #
# With his same old safe bet #
# Me and my head high #
# And my tears dry #
# Get on without my guy #
# And I tread a troubled track #
# My odds are stacked #
# I go back to black #
# We only said good-bye with words #
# I died a hundred times #
# You go back to her #
# And I go back to... #
# Black #
# Black #
# I go back to #
# I go back to... #
# We only said good-bye with words #
# I died a hundred times #
# You go back to her #
# And I go back to black. #

Will Schuester: Fantastic, Santana.

Jesse St. James: Thanks so much for coming in.

Santana Lopez: Wait, th-that's all you have to say? You spent the entire performance scribbling notes.

Jesse St. James: Well, if you really must know, I was simply writing down that I don't think that your performance went very deep into the emotional truth of the song.

Santana Lopez: Oh, is that so? Well, I happen to have some feedback for you.

Will Schuester: Thanks, Santana, th-that's all we'll need.

Santana Lopez: I'm about to go all Lima Heights.

Will Schuester: Th-Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing. "Some People" from Gypsy.

Will Schuester: Ah, great selection, Kurt. Hit it.

Kurt Hummel: # Some people can get a thrill #
# Knitting sweaters and sitting still #
# That's okay for some people #
# Who don't know they're alive #
# Some people can thrive and bloom #
# Living life in the living room #
# That's perfect for some people #
# Of 105 #
# But I at least gotta try #
# When I think of all the sights that I gotta see #
# And all the places I gotta play #
# All the things that I gotta be at #
# Come on, Papa, what do you say? #
# Some people can be content #
# Playing bingo and paying rent #
# That's peachy for some people #
# For some humdrum people to be #
# But some people ain't me #
# I had a dream #
# A wonderful dream, Papa #
# Good-bye to blueberry pie #
# Good riddance to all the socials I had to go to #
# All the lodges I had to play #
# All the Shriners I said hello to #
# Hey, L.A., I'm coming your way #
# Some people sit on their butts #
# Got the dream, yeah, but not the guts #
# That's living for some people #
# For some humdrum people, I suppose #
# Well, they can stay and rot #
# But not Rose. #

Will Schuester: All right. Good job, buddy.

Jesse St. James: Kurt... You do know that song was meant to be sung by a woman, right?

Kurt Hummel: Yes, I'm aware. And the Glee Club sort of dealt with that whole boys singing songs that are meant for girls.

Jesse St. James: Oh.

Kurt Hummel: It's kind of old news.

Jesse St. James: Then you must know that that song was done to great fanfare by such Broadway legends as. Merman, LuPone, Bernadette. Those are some awfully big heels to fill, and I'm just not quite sure that you nailed it. Usually, at this point, the reality show would go to commercial, then we would take a five minute break to regroup and get touch-ups done on our makeup. So I'm gonna hit the little boys' room. You're doing a great job, though. I really think that you should comment more. Don't be shy.

Kurt Hummel: Jessie St. James totally Jessie St. Sucks. He said I shouldn't be singing girl songs. I make my living singing girl songs.

Rachel Berry: I think the winner of four show choir championships might be able to give us all some valuable insight.

Mercedes Jones: We know you're in love with him, Rachel, but do you have to be so obvious?

Rachel Berry: Don't use the fact that Jessie and I once had feelings for each other as an excuse for my inevitable win.

Kurt Hummel: Correction: You had feelings for him, he made breakfast on your head.

Rachel Berry: Look, Jessie and I both appreciate the integrity of show choir too much to soil the competition. He's just gonna vote for whoever is best.

Santana Lopez: That would be me. You guys can fight over who's gonna come in second all you want, because I kicked that song square in the balls. I'm so gonna win this thing.

Mercedes Jones: No bother warming up, Rachel. I'm about to go out there and wrap this thing up like a Christmas present.

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, she may get weary #
# Them young girls... they do get wearied #
# Wearing that same old shaggy dress #
# Yeah #
# But when she gets weary #
# Try a little tenderness #
# Oh, maybe, Mmm #
# You won't regret it, no #
# Young girls... they don't forget it #
# Love is their whole happiness #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# But it's all so easy #
# All you got to do is try #
# Try a little tenderness #
# Yeah, all youot to do isman #
# Hold her where you want her #
# Squeeze her, don'tease her #
# Never leave her #
# Get to her, got to try #
# Try a little nderness #
# Oh, yeah #
# Squeeze her, don'tease her #
# Never leave her #
# Try, try, try, yeah #
# Tenderness #
# Oh, yeah #
# You got to, you got to, yeah, yeah #
# Rub her gentle, man #
# Don't bruise her, no, no #
# You g to loveer, tease r, squee her, ye #
# Try a ltle tenderness. #

Will Schuester: Woo! Wow, Mercedes! Just... wow. You know, seeing you up there brought me back to the first time you auditioned for Glee Club. You were great back then, but you were just amazing now. Thank you for singing that. And thank you for reminding me where we started, and where we're going to now: Nationals.

Mercedes Jones: Thank you, Mr. Shue. I couldn't have done it without you.

Jesse St. James: You're not a star, you're just a girl who can really sing.

Mercedes Jones: Ex-Excuse me?

Jesse St. James: I don't think you want this badly enough, Mercedes. How many times did you practice that song?

Mercedes Jones: Practice? No, I feel my material, and I sing with emotion. I'm in the moment, Mr. St. James. I don't need to practice.

Jesse St. James: Actually, you do. And how long did you work on that choreography? Oh, wait, there was none. You're lazy, Mercedes.

Mercedes Jones: Not too lazy to come up there and let you taste my fist!

Jesse St. James: Whoever gets this solo is gonna have to work on it day and night. Do you think you're ready for that?

Will Schuester: I do.

Jesse St. James: I don't.

Mercedes Jones: I hate him.

Rachel Berry: Hi. My name is Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing the most difficult song I've ever sung.

Will Schuester: Great. What song?

Rachel Berry: Uh, Barbra's closing number to my favorite movie... Funny Girl.

Jesse St. James: Rachel, in your head, are you singing to anyone in particular?

Rachel Berry: Not really.

Jesse St. James: Oh.

Rachel Berry: # Oh, my man, I love him so #
# He'll never know #
# All my life is just despair #
# But I don't care #
# When he takes me in his arms #
# The world is bright #
# All right #
# What's the difference if I say #
# I'll go away #
# When I know I'll come back #
# On my knee someday? #
# For whatever my man is #
# I am his #
# Forevermore #
# Oh, my man, I love him so #
# He'll never know #
# All my life is just despair #
# But I don't care #
# When he takes me in his arms #
# The world is bright #
# All right #
# What's the difference if I say #
# I'll go away #
# When I know I'll come back #
# On my knee someday? #
# For whatever my man is #
# I am his #
# Forevermore. #

Kurt Hummel: She may be difficult, but boy, can she sing. Bravo!

Jesse St. James: I have to be honest. That was brilliant. I have nothing but the tip of my hat.

Santana Lopez: Garbage. This whole thing is rigged.

Will Schuester: Hold on, Santana. Like I said before, I make the final call here.

Mercedes Jones: Well, then, make it.

Will Schuester: Out of respect to you all, I'm going to take a couple days and consider all the results. Now, I will let you all know by Friday. Great job, everyone.

Kurt Hummel: We sorted Jean's stuff into piles. Over there are some old magazines and newspapers that you can just toss out.

Finn Hudson: And this is stuff you're definitely going to want to keep. Uh, photos and stuffed animals. And this third pile is stuff that we don't really know what to do with. Um...

Kurt Hummel: Pom-pom.

Sue Sylvester: Toss it. It's not worth anything.

Kurt Hummel: Are you sure?

Finn Hudson: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, I love that movie.

Sue Sylvester: Then, you can take it. It's probably worn out. She watched it at least three times a week. Just toss it all out.

Kurt Hummel: What?

Sue Sylvester: You heard me. It's all junk. I'll take the stuffed animal. Jean's had this since she was six. Everything else, just toss it out; I don't need it.

Finn Hudson: But there are a lot of memories here.

Sue Sylvester: You know, I'm not short on memories of my sister, so...

Kurt Hummel: I know what it's like to lose someone. When someone dies, it hurts.

Sue Sylvester: Very astute, Porcelain. That's a little nugget of wisdom I'd really like to jot down.

Finn Hudson: Coach Sylvester, we're just trying to help.

Sue Sylvester: You know what, Cottage Cheese? You're not helping. You're actually making things worse. So do me a favor and take all this stuff to the Dumpster on your way to the rehearsal for whatever treacly ballad you're planning on using to ruin my sister's funeral.

Kurt Hummel: Why did you agree to this, then? If you hate us so much, then why are you letting the Glee Club plan the service?

Sue Sylvester: I was afraid no one would come. Jean didn't know a lot of people. I figured, with the Glee Club there, at least she'd have a full house.

Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. You look nice.

Sue Sylvester: Thank you for coming. Jean always stood up for you when I told her stories about how evil your hair was. Did anyone come?

Will Schuester: It's a full house, actually. Workers from the home, other residents, their families. Your sister touched a lot of people.

Sue Sylvester: Thank you.

Finn Hudson: What do you think, Coach Sylvester?

Kurt Hummel: You told us that Willy Wonka was Jean's favorite movie.

Finn Hudson: The way you described Jean made her sound so special, so we wanted her funeral to be special, also.

Kurt Hummel: Something to capture and express the Joy of her life, rather than the sadness of her death.

Sue Sylvester: It's lovely.

Will Schuester: Let's sit.

Reverend: Welcome to the most unusual funeral that I have ever attended. Which makes sense, because Jean was the most unusual person that I ever had the pleasure to spend every Sunday for the last 30 years with. I think that Jean's sister Sue would like to say a few words.

Sue Sylvester: I miss my sister. Every night, at 10:00 or so, she used to call me on the phone, and when I asked her why... She'd tell me that her body told her... She wanted to hear my voice.

Will Schuester: Hey... I'll read it. "I miss my sister. The smell of her shampoo. The way she could always convince me to read her another book. When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them. And now, every time I reach for that tether, I know there's no one on the other end, and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness. Then I remember Jean. I remember a life led with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets... and I'm inspired... to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my sister so much. It feels like a piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time, I want to hold her. Ten more seconds... is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can't and I won't, and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So, for now, I'm just going to miss her. I love you, Jeanie. Rest in peace."

Finn Hudson: This was Jean's favorite song.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.

Kurt Hummel: # Come with me #
# And you'll be #
# In a world #
# Of pure imagination #

Finn Hudson: # Take a look #
# And you'll see #
# Into your imagination #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # We'll begin #
# With a spin #
# Traveling in the world of my creation #

Artie Abrams: # What we'll see #
# Will defy #
# Explanation #

New Directions: # If you want to view paradise #
# Simply look around and view it #
# Anything you want to, do it #
# Want to change the world #

Kurt Hummel: # There's nothing to it #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # There is no #
# Life I know #
# To compare with pure imagination #

Kurt Hummel: # Living there, you'll be free #
# If you truly... #

New Directions: # Wish to be. #

Sue Sylvester: Thank you.

Quinn Fabray: Sorry. Long line in the restroom. Everyone was fixing their mascara.

Finn Hudson: Mm.

Quinn Fabray: You did such a great job with the funeral. I'm so proud of you. Why are you crying?

Finn Hudson: Because I'm breaking up with you.

Quinn Fabray: Because of Rachel? 'Cause you still love her?

Finn Hudson: I shouldn't have done this with you. I thought that I could fix everything from last year, but I... I can't. I just can't, and that feeling that Sue was talking about in there of being tethered to someone... I... I just... I don't feel that way about you.

Quinn Fabray: But you do with her? No. We're not breaking up. I can handle your confusion with Rachel until you get over it. We're gonna stay together, and next year, we'll be prom king and queen...

Finn Hudson: Just stop it. Okay? I don't want that life. Don't you feel anything anymore? This is real. This is happening.

Quinn Fabray: Are you happy now? Is this me feeling enough for you?

Finn Hudson: Quinn, I'm sorry. I still love you.

Quinn Fabray: Just don't touch me!

Brittany S. Pierce: Action.

Jesse St. James: Well, it was a tough competition, but here's the dope. Santana... too mean. Kurt... too controversial. Mercedes... I said it twice, and I'll say it again. Lazy B-O-N-E-S. Rachel is the clear winner.

Will Schuester: I'm really not comfortable having this conversation taped.

Jesse St. James: Well, I can't practice reality show judging without a camera. It's like practicing skiing without skis.

Brittany S. Pierce: I've totally done that.

Will Schuester: Okay, Brittany, can you just turn that thing off? Just the off switch... right... right over there. Just...

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I know how to turn it off. Thanks. Okay. It's cool. Jessie, maybe you can come on. Fondue for Two and judge my Cat.

Jesse St. James: Rock and roll.

Will Schuester: I have to be honest, Jessie. The more we talk about this, the more uncomfortable I feel about all of it. It just feels like I'm telling one of my children that they're my favorite.

Jesse St. James: Well, that's what my parents told me in front of my siblings. Sure, some might say that it led to my brother's whippet addiction and my sister's bulimia, but my parents owed them the truth.

Will Schuester: You really think picking Rachel means we beat Vocal Adrenaline?

Jesse St. James: It's in the bag.

Becky Jackson: Coach, can I come in?

Sue Sylvester: Hello, Becky.

Becky Jackson: I'm turning in my pom-poms and the megaphone that you got me. I'll miss our time together...

Sue Sylvester: I'm gonna stop you right there, Becky. Have you ever heard of menopause? Well, I fired you in a hormonal fury I like to call womb rage, and I apologize. Now I'd like you to pick up those pom-poms and that megaphone. You know why? Next year, you're Captain of the Cheerios.

Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh, thanks, Coach! Got to call my mom!

Sue Sylvester: Uh, hold it right there. I'm not finished. I want you to give me a hug. Come here.

Sue Sylvester: That seat taken?

Will Schuester: No.

Sue Sylvester: William, I have to say something. In the history of our relationship, I've said many things to you, but there's one thing I've never said. Good luck. You know, I spent all this time hating you, and hating that Glee Club. I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most. Right now, it's the dancing Asian. But after what you did for my sister, I just can't do it anymore. You have something Jean had that I do not have. A pure heart. You're a very good friend, William, and I have not been that to you.

Will Schuester: Yeah, you really haven't.

Sue Sylvester: So, it's time for a change. Starting today, I will no longer be going after the Glee Club. Frankly, I have bigger fish to fry. I'm running for the United States House of Representatives.

Will Schuester: I'm... I'm sorry. What-What did you say?

Sue Sylvester: In the last year of her life, Jean faced ballooning health care costs and cuts to her disability payments. Well, the Sue Sylvester American Liberty Party thinks that's a load of phooey. There is one slight problem. In a fit of pique, I rerouted the Glee Club's plane to Libya.

Will Schuester: Wait... what?!

Sue Sylvester: It took some effort. It was a long fit of pique. I had some help... Panda Express really came through for me.

Will Schuester: So we're not going to New York?

Terri Del Monico: I can explain that.

Sue Sylvester: Will, I'm gonna leave you two alone, as this just became super awkward.

Will Schuester: These are first-class tickets on American Airlines. How did you afford them?

Terri Del Monico: Well, do you know that if you complain to the airline about contracting monkey pox in the bathroom on the plane, you can get the president of the airline on the phone within an hour?

Will Schuester: But you didn't?

Terri Del Monico: No, of course not. Have you been on their planes? They're immaculate. No, it turns out that one of the vice presidents of American Airlines is a big supporter of the arts or something, so when I told him your Glee Club's sob story, he gladly came up with the tickets for you guys to make it happen.

Will Schuester: This is amazing, Terri. Wait. What's the catch?

Terri Del Monico: I'm moving to Miami. Sheets N' Things is opening a new branch down there, and they have asked me to manage it.

Will Schuester: Like, full on manager?

Terri Del Monico: The assistant title is officially dropped. Look, Will, I know that I made your life... challenging sometimes, but... it was only because I loved you so much.

Will Schuester: I loved you, too. We just weren't right. No regrets, though.

Terri Del Monico: No. Not one.

Will Schuester: Just try to relax a little bit while you're down there, okay?

Terri Del Monico: Oh. Yeah.

Will Schuester: I mean, you deserve to enjoy yourself.

Terri Del Monico: Okay.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Terri Del Monico: I'll see you around, Will.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey. Is everything okay with Terri?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Finally. It is. Is... Are you wearing one of my old vests?

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I didn't have the heart to throw it away.

Will Schuester: Emma, this isn't forever.

Emma Pillsbury: I hope it is. Really, Will, you deserve this. You've given so much for so long, and now it's your turn. But, um, don't be a stranger, okay?

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Rachel Berry: Jessie?

Jesse St. James: That's sweet. You remember the masculine click of my designer boots.

Rachel Berry: Okay, why did you ask me to meet you here right before the list goes up? Is this good news, or is it bad news?

Jesse St. James: Rachel, I did wrong by you last year, and I came back to make that wrong right. And I came here to tell you that you're going to be the featured soloist at Nationals in New York.

Rachel Berry: Wait, wait. How do you know? Did Mr. Schuester tell you?

Jesse St. James: Let it suffice to say that I was very involved in the decision.

Rachel Berry: Oh. No. I-I... I feel bad. Everyone else worked so hard. Now they're just going to hate me.

Jesse St. James: They sort of already do, and you know as well as I that sometimes that's the price of fame. I used to think that fame was the only thing that mattered. And now I realize that there's something that matters to me more.

Rachel Berry: What?

Jesse St. James: You. Come on. I think the list is posted.

Santana Lopez: This doesn't make any sense.

Jesse St. James: Guys, it was a tough decision, but it's for the good of the club.

Rachel Berry: Although this is deeply personal, try not to take it personally.

Kurt Hummel: Um, you guys might want to read what the list says.

Rachel Berry: What? Why?

Santana Lopez: Oh, Mr. Shue, thank God you're here to put these trolls out of their misery. Can you just announce my win so that I can get on with teasing the losers?

Kurt Hummel: I heard your performance, Santana. This is mine, and you know it.

Will Schuester: See, Jessie? This is the kind of infighting and "me first" attitudes that I wanted to avoid.

Jesse St. James: What you call infighting, I call motivation. And this is just the beginning. Once we get to Nationals, I'll have them willing to kill each other for that solo.

Will Schuester: No. I've changed my mind. We're going back to what got us here... Original songs sung by the entire club. We're a team, and we're best when we work as one.

Jesse St. James: You're going to lose.

Will Schuester: Whatever we do, we're going to do it together.

Kurt Hummel: Actually, Santana, you sounded pretty good.

Santana Lopez: Thanks. You guys were all pretty dope, too. Even Rachel.

Rachel Berry: I wish I could sound like you do, Santana. I mean, how do you get that raspiness?

Santana Lopez: So nice. I smoke cigars.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, time to get to work. Now, I want two hit songs by the time the wheels touch down at JFK. Come on.

Finn Hudson: Hey. Thanks.

Quinn Fabray: For what?

Finn Hudson: I know you're hurting right now, but it's really cool you didn't quit Glee Club.

Quinn Fabray: If I quit Glee Club, my big plans for New York would have been ruined.

Finn Hudson: What plans?

Quinn Fabray: You'll see.

Rachel Berry: I made it!

Kurt Hummel: A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of six misfits, stumbling their way through a horrific rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat." Now here we are, at the top of the show choir heap: Nationals!

Tina Cohen-Chang: I want to hit up Central Park, get my frolic on.

Noah Puckerman: I want to throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Finn Hudson: You guys, hold on. I mean, we still have two songs to write.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, Mr. Bossy Pants. But I think we might have some time for a tune before we leave.
# Start spreading the news #

New Directions: # I'm leaving today #
# I want to be a part of it #
# New York, New York... #

Rachel Berry: Guys, I have news. To celebrate our impending win at Nationals, I got us all 13 tickets to Broadway's longest-running show ever, Cats!

Brittany S. Pierce: Whoo! Yeah, you did.

Quinn Fabray: You might want to check the dates on those tickets, Rachel, because Cats closed about 11 years ago.

Rachel Berry: He did seem crazy. Charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt-crack.

Clerk: Okay, welcome to Intercontinental New York Times Square. Your rooms are on the seventh floor.

Will Schuester: Great.

Clerk: You planning on fitting all those kids in two rooms?

Will Schuester: Yeah, well, it's all we can afford. I was just thinking about splitting them up, boys and girls.

Clerk: You guys in for the show choir competition?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Why?

Clerk: Most of the other teams split by sexual orientation.

Mercedes Jones: Oh. Did you know that New York City was built right on top of Old York City?

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm pretty sure that's not true.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, I'm just pretty.

Finn Hudson: Hi.

Rachel Berry: Hi. I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.

Finn Hudson: I guess she just accepted the inevitable.

Rachel Berry: Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York. I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?

Finn Hudson: No. So, what's going on with you and Jessie?

Rachel Berry: I don't know. He keeps texting me. But I told him I don't want to talk till I get back. No boys, no distractions until we win that trophy.

Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, where the hell is Puckerman?

Finn Hudson: Um...

Noah Puckerman: I'll have a Manhattan.

Barmaid: Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.

Will Schuester: Guys, group meeting, in the room now.

Kurt Hummel: Do you know that I can get ahi tartare and a steak sandwich at 3:00 in the morning from their all-night dining menu? I feel like Eloise.

Brittany S. Pierce: I have pills for that.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, this is your time. Now, you are all on lockdown till you finish writing our songs for Nationals. I want at least two solid verses by the time I get back.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Aren't you going to help us?

Will Schuester: Uh, um... I will be back and read your amazing creations and give notes, but right now, I have to head to the theater to, uh, fill out some paperwork.

Will Schuester: Broadway.

Brittany S. Pierce: # In the middle of the night I'm in bed alone #
# Don't care if you're glass, paper or Styrofoam #
# When I need some water, baby #

Brittany & Artie: # Coffee or gin #
# You're the only thing #
# I want to put them in #
# My cup, my cup, sayin' what's up? #
# To my cup, my cup #
# More of a friend than a silly pup, my cup #
# You know what it is #
# Saying what's up? #
# To my cup #
# I'm saying what's up? To my cup #
# I'm saying what's up? #
# To my cup. #

Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Hold on. Are you singing about a cup?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, totally.

Quinn Fabray: We got to get out of here.

Rachel Berry: Wait. No, no, no. Mr. Shue gave us explicit instructions...

Quinn Fabray: To write a song, and our problem is, is that our only inspiration are mattresses and bathroom cups.

Noah Puckerman: Quinn's right. We're in the artists capital of the world. Poets, musicians, actors, playwrights. Every dreamer that's ever lived has passed through this city. And if we want our dreams to come true, we need to be out there with them, not stuck in here.

Finn Hudson: Guys, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, we still got those songs to write. If we don't write them, we're going to lose.

Lauren Zizes: No. They're right. Can't you hear the city calling to you?

Quinn Fabray: We don't need to write songs for Nationals. New York's going to write them for us.

Finn Hudson: # I don't like cities, but I like New York #

Santana Lopez: # The famous places to visit are so many #

Finn Hudson: # Other places make me feel like a dork #

Santana Lopez: # I told my grandpa I wouldn't miss on any #

Artie Abrams: # Los Angeles is for people who sleep #

Mercedes Jones: # Got to see the whole town #
# Right from Yonkers on down to the Bay #

Artie Abrams: # Paris and London, oh, baby, you can keep #

Santana Lopez: # Baby, you can keep #

Mercedes Jones: # Baby, you can keep #

New Directions: # Other cities always make me mad #
# Other places always make me sad #
# No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
# New York #

Finn Hudson: # If you don't like my attitude #
# Then you can get lost #

Santana Lopez: # Manhattan women are dressed in silk and satin #

Finn Hudson: # Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf? #

Santana Lopez: # There's just one thing that's important in Manhattan #

Artie Abrams: # New York is not for little wussies #
# Who scream #

Mercedes Jones: # Pick up a date, maybe 7:00 or 8:00 #

Artie Abrams: # Paris and London, oh, baby, you can keep #

New Directions: # Baby, you can keep #
# Baby, you can keep #
# Other cities always make me mad #

Mercedes Jones: # Make me mad #

New Directions: # Other places always make me sad #

Mercedes Jones: # Make me sad #

New Directions: # No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
# New York #

Brittany S. Pierce: # We sailed the seas and we've been the world over #
# Made the Mandalay #
# We've seen the sphinx and we've seen the Cliffs of Dover #
# And we can safely say #

Rachel Berry: # New York #

New Directions: # Other cities always make me mad #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh-oh, oh #

New Directions: # Other places always make me sad #

Mercedes Jones: # New York #

New Directions: # No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #

Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #

New Directions: # New York, New York #

Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #

New Directions: # I love New York #
# New York, New York #

Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #

New Directions: # New York, New York. #

Finn Hudson: Hey, can I try something out on you guys? I think that one of our songs should be a duet with me and Rachel.

Mike Chang: I just want to win. We all know that you two doing a duet is our best shot at that.

Finn Hudson: Awesome.

Noah Puckerman: Okay, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out, dude.

Finn Hudson: Who? Rachel? But she's totally into Jessie right now.

Noah Puckerman: You're in New York, the city of love.

Sam Evans: I thought that was Paris.

Noah Puckerman: Anything's possible here. You need to ask her out tonight. Take her on one of those big, awful dates you see in those unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.

Sam Evans: This is your shot, dude. If I was in love with a girl, and I wasn't homeless, I'd totally go for it.

Will Schuester: # If you're not home, I'll sit here on your doorstep #
# Button up my coat and wait #
# We'll go upstairs #
# Close the curtains and we're all set #
# To pick up where we left again #
# There's question marks hanging over us #
# But we won't give the time of day, oh-oh-oh #
# 'Cause all we got is these few stolen seconds #
# And we can't let them go to waste #
# The stars collide #
# We come back to life, we come back to life #
# The sparks, they fly #
# One look in your eyes #
# My heart's open wide #
# I know time's running out now #
# But we'll hold back the sun somehow #
# See the sky #
# We've still got tonight #
# We've still got tonight. #
April?

Director: She's still at dinner with the rest of the crew.

Will Schuester: Oh. Sorry I was just trying out a new idea for the show.

Director: I've been working here 25 years. Seen a lot of talent come and go. And let me tell you something, kid. You got it.

Rachel Berry: Hi.

Finn Hudson: Hi.

Rachel Berry: What's so important?

Finn Hudson: Uh, these are for you. I thought since, uh, we're both captains and all, we should write a duet for Nationals.

Rachel Berry: The tie and...flowers, Central Park?

Finn Hudson: Oh, it's a... a work date. Uh, totally professional.

Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, I can't believe we're at Sardi's. Sardi's! The birthplace of the Tony Award.

Finn Hudson: What's a salad "nicose"?

Rachel Berry: One day they're gonna put a cartoon likeness of me on these walls.

Finn Hudson: I like the way you dream so big. I don't know how to do that. You look so pretty tonight. Rachel, I... I have something to say to you.

Rachel Berry: Oh, my God! That's Patti LuPone! Oh, no, oh, my God, I can't do this. No. No, I have to... I mean, if not for me, then for Kurt. I mean, he'd kill me if I didn't. Okay. Excuse me, uh, Miss LuPone? I have to say that you're my idol.

Patti LuPone: Well, thank you. That's very sweet of you. Are you an actress?

Rachel Berry: Yes. I'm-I'm in high school.

Finn Hudson: We're in town for the National Show Choir Championship.

Patti LuPone: I was in choir in high school. It was my favorite class. What's your name?

Rachel Berry: Rachel Berry.

Patti LuPone: Well, Rachel Berry, promise me one thing... You'll never give up.

Rachel Berry: Yes, Ms. LuPone, I promise.

Patti LuPone: Good luck. Good luck.

Finn Hudson: Thank you.

Patti LuPone: He's cute.

Rachel Berry: Being in New York is like... Falling in love over and over again every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights you see in all those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is just a group of street singers to serenade us, and it would be perfect.

Noah Puckerman: # Oh, this is the night #
# It's a beautiful night #
# And we call it #
# Bella notte #

Artie Abrams: # Look at the skies #
# They have stars in their eyes #

Finn Hudson: Wait.

Artie Abrams: # On this lovely #

Finn Hudson: This is the moment.

Artie Abrams: # Bella notte... #

Finn Hudson: ... in those romantic comedies where... I kiss you.

Rachel Berry: I thought this was just a work date.

Finn Hudson: Really?

Artie Abrams: # You'll find enchantment here #

Rachel Berry: No.

Artie Abrams: # The night will weave its magic spell #

Sam Evans: # When the one you love is near #

Rachel Berry: I can't.

Sam Evans: # Oh... #

Artie & Noah: # This is the night #
# And the heavens #

Finn Hudson: Take a chance on me.

Artie & Noah: # Are right #
# On this lovely #
# Bella #

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, Finn.

Artie & Noah: # Notte #

Rachel Berry: I can't.

Artie & Noah: # This is the night #
# And the heavens #
# Are right #
# On this lovely #
# Bella #
# Notte... #

Kurt Hummel: Rachel, wake up, wake up.

Rachel Berry: Why?

Kurt Hummel: We're going to breakfast at Tiffany's.

Rachel Berry: We're gonna get into so much trouble for this.

Kurt Hummel: How awesome are these bagels?!

Rachel Berry: It's the water.

Kurt Hummel: Mm.

Rachel Berry: Ah, you're the only one besides me who understands how amazing this place is. Which is why I have a secret to tell you. When we graduate I'm coming back here and I'm going to college here. This is where I belong.

Kurt Hummel: I am so coming, too.

Rachel Berry: Really?

Kurt Hummel: And I talked to Blaine; he's on board as well.

Rachel Berry: Good. What am I gonna do about Finn? I mean, I... I think he wants to get back together, and I... I really do, too, but I can't have anything keep me from my Manhattan destiny.

Kurt Hummel: Bring him along. He'll be great if we need to move anything heavy.

Rachel Berry: No. Finn won't come... he's too much of a country boy.

Kurt Hummel: Ah, the age-old dilemma: Love or career? You're gonna have to make a choice.

Rachel Berry: I don't... I don't know how.

Kurt Hummel: I do. Follow me.

Rachel Berry: W-W-Wait! Wait. I love this show, but it's not helping me make up my mind.

Kurt Hummel: We have to go in. Strike that. We have to break in.

Rachel Berry: No, we-we can't be in here. They say that if you get arrested in a theater, you're blackballed for life!

Kurt Hummel: It's 9:00 a. M....

Usher: Hey! You're not supposed to be in here.

Kurt Hummel: We're extras. Th-they told us to come early.

Rachel Berry: We're, um, being... being fitted for our munchkin costumes.

Usher: You're from Indiana, right?

Rachel Berry: Ohio, actually.

Usher: And you got some big Broadway dream about singing a song on a real Broadway stage.

Kurt Hummel: Look, we're-we're really sorry...

Usher: You got 15 minutes.

Kurt Hummel: If you have to maice, you have to visualize both of the options.

Rachel Berry: How?

Kurt Hummel: Sing. Picture yourself standing in front of a full audience, belting out the final song of one of the greatest musicals of all time.

Rachel Berry: There's no orchestra.

Kurt Hummel: Make one. In your mind.

Rachel Berry: # I'm limited #
# Just look at me #
# I'm limited #
# And just look at you #
# You can do all I couldn't do #
# Glinda #
# Now it's up #
# To you... #

Kurt Hummel: # I've heard it said #
# That people come into our lives #
# For a reason #
# Bringing something we must learn #
# Well, I don't #
# Know if I believe #
# That's true #
# But I know I'm who I am today #
# Because I knew you #

Rachel Berry: # Like a ship blown from its mooring #
# By a wind off the sea #
# Like a seed dropped by a skybird #
# In a distant wood #
# Who can say #
# If I've been changed #
# For the better? #
# But because I knew you #

Kurt Hummel: # Because I knew you #

Kurt & Rachel: # I have been changed #
# For good #

Rachel Berry: # And just to clear the air #
# I ask forgiveness #
# For the things I've done you blame me for #

Kurt Hummel: # But then I guess we know #
# There's blame to share #

Kurt & Rachel: # And none of it seems to matter #
# Anymore... #

Kurt Hummel: # Like a comet #
# Pulled from orbit #

Rachel Berry: # Like a ship blown #

Kurt Hummel: # As it passes the sun #

Rachel Berry: # From its moorings by a wind off the sea #

Kurt Hummel: # Like a stream that meets a boulder #

Rachel Berry: # Like a seed dropped #

Kurt Hummel: # Halfway through the wood #

Rachel Berry: # By a bird in the wood #

Kurt & Rachel: # Who can say... #
# If I've been changed #
# For the better #
# Because I knew you #
# I have been changed... #
# For good... #

Rachel Berry: Thank you, Kurt. I see it now. I don't have to choose between... my career and... love, because this... I mean... this stage, Broadway, New York... that's my true love.

Santana Lopez: Oh. Quinn! Quit hogging the bathroom. I needs to re-pencil my eyebrows on. Doesn't she get...

Quinn Fabray: It's all yours.

Santana Lopez: Everybody's already in the other room working.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, yeah? Is Mr. Shue in there? 'Cause I think I'm gonna tell him that Rachel and Kurt keep sneaking off.

Brittany S. Pierce: You can't do that... he'll have to suspend them.

Quinn Fabray: And then there goes our chances at Nationals. Darn!

Santana Lopez: You know what? We get it. You're pissed about Finn dumping your sweet ass. Get over it.

Quinn Fabray: I don't want to get over it! Okay?

Santana Lopez: The only person that you're sabotaging here is yourself.

Quinn Fabray: I don't care about some stupid show choir competition!

Santana Lopez: Well, you should! Because this is the one chance that we have to actually feel good about ourselves.

Quinn Fabray: Aren't we supposed to be the popular girls? So why can't we have our dreams come true? She has love, Tina has it, even Zizes hooks up. I just want somebody to love me.

Santana Lopez: I think I know how to make you feel better.

Quinn Fabray: I'm flattered, Santana, but I'm really not that into that.

Santana Lopez: No. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a haircut.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, totally.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry about the pillows. I mean, this really was a... a wake-up call for me as an educator and a chaperone, so...

Hotel Manager: Look, I get it. Kids are kids. Good luck at Nationals.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Dustin Goolsby: I'll second that.

Will Schuester: And why would you be wishing my Glee club luck at Nationals?

Dustin Goolsby: Oh, I wasn't talking about the Glee club. I was wishing you luck in your Broadway debut.

Will Schuester: How did you find out?

Dustin Goolsby: It's all over the Broadway blogoshere. And by Broadway blogosphere, I mean the one blog that actually cares about Broadway. Can I give you a piece of advice? Don't tell your kids. It'll just shake their confidence at Nationals and they won't perform as well. I hate my kids. I would literally whip them if I could. Every time I see them achieving... Just reminds me of everything I missed out on.

Will Schuester: I love my kids.

Dustin Goolsby: What? No, you don't. They're hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours look like they haven't been baked properly.

Will Schuester: I've watched them grow into mature young men and women. And that's been the joy of my life.

Dustin Goolsby: You're tearing up. People are starting to stare. I bet they think I just broke up with you. See you on the ice, Schuester.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, who's up for some real New York City... pizza?

Quinn Fabray: We heard.

Will Schuester: Heard what?

Mercedes Jones: About you leaving to be on Broadway.

Will Schuester: Look, I haven't made up my mind about anything.

Kurt Hummel: We get it. And we're happy for you.

Rachel Berry: You've inspired us in so many ways, so... This is just another.

Will Schuester: I don't understand. Who-who told you guys?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Goolsby.

Mike Chang: You okay, Mr. Shue?

Will Schuester: I'm not going. I'm staying with you guys. I had my moment on the stage and it was glorious. But you and I... have some unfinished business to take care of. Now get out your notebooks. Time to get to work. Come on, this is Nationals, people. Yes, Puck.

Sam Evans: I want in, I want in.

Will Schuester: Oh, gee!

Rachel Berry: We made it. We're one of the top 50 show choirs in the nation. Tomorrow only ten will move on to Showcase, where they'll vie for the National Championship.

Kurt Hummel: We have so got this.

Will Schuester: Okay, usually I'm pretty cautious about getting your hopes up, but honestly, guys? I think we got a really good shot at winning this thing. All right, everybody put your hand in the middle. One, two, three.

New Directions: New Directions!

Unknown Female Group: # Yeah #
# Peace up. A town down. Yeah. What?
# Okay #
# Okay #
# Let's go #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Yeah, yeah #
# I'm in the club with my homies #
# Trying to get a lil' V-I, keep it down on the low-key #

Mercedes Jones: They're really good.

Unknown Female Group: # 'Cause you know how it is #
# I saw shorty, she was checkin' up on me #
# From the game she was spittin' in my ear #
# You would think that she knew me #
# I decided to chill #
# Conversation got heavy #
# She had me feeling like she's ready to blow #
# Watch out down below #
# Watch out, oh #
# Down below, watch out #
# She was saying "Come get me" #
# So I got up and followed her to the floor #
# She said "Baby, let's go" #
# Baby, let's go #
# When I told her, I said... #

Will Schuester: Hey. I gotta talk to you.

Dustin Goolsby: Hold on a sec. I do this thing where I get my kids to sign a T-shirt to send to all the teams we beat at Nationals.

Will Schuester: Yeah, well, don't bother getting us one. I have a sneaking suspicion that we're about to kick your ass.

Dustin Goolsby: You're about to go up against the top show choirs in the country and your team spent all week mooning about how fun and exciting New York is. You're a bag of meat.

Will Schuester: Take a large. You're about a large, right?

Dustin Goolsby: Extra large. What are you doing?

Will Schuester: Buying you a T-shirt, Goolsby. I'll send it to you... after we win Nationals.

Unknown Female Group: # Got the beat, got the beat, we got the beat. #

Rachel Berry: Santana? Oh, shoving your fingers down your throat like the rest of your brainwashed. Vocal Adrenaline brothers and sisters?

Sunshine Corazon: I'm not throwing up on purpose. I'm so nervous I can't keep any food down. I used to love singing. It was the only thing that relaxed me. Now I hate it.

Rachel Berry: Do you think I'm an idiot?

Sunshine Corazon: No. I think you're kind of mean, but I don't think you're stupid.

Rachel Berry: I know what you're trying to doing. You're trying to get me to feel bad for you so that I don't try as hard to crush you on the stage.

Sunshine Corazon: What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much? When I came to your school, I heard that the Glee Club was where kids went when no one else would take them. A safe place. For some reason, you made me the only one who wasn't safe there.

Rachel Berry: Where are you going?

Sunshine Corazon: To the Philippine embassy. I'm going to beg them to revoke my visa and deport me back home. That's the only way I'm going to be able to escape Vocal Adrenaline.

Rachel Berry: Wait... wait. It's because you're good. That's why I hated you. That's why I sent you to that crack house. I'm sorry. But you have to go out there and sing. You have a gift. Something that Dustin Goolsby would kill for.

Sunshine Corazon: I can't. I'm going to barf all over the stage.

Rachel Berry: If you feel like you're going to throw up, just look at me, and I'll help you through it.

Sunshine Corazon: Why? Don't you want to win?

Rachel Berry: Guys like us have to stick together. I'm going to hug you now.

Announcer: And now, our returning champions from Carmel High, Vocal Adrenaline.

Finn Hudson: What are you doing?

Rachel Berry: I'm making something right.

Sunshine Corazon: # Mmm... #
# Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm #
# Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm #
# All my life #
# I've waited for the right #
# Moment to let you know #
# I don't wanna let you go #
# But now I realize #
# There's just no perfect time #
# To confess how I feel #
# This much I know is real #
# So I refuse to #
# Waste one more second #
# Without you #
# Knowing #
# My... #
# Heart... #
# I don't need anything else #
# But your love #
# Nothing but you means #
# A thing to me #
# I'm incomplete #
# When you're not there #
# Holding me, touching me #
# I swear #
# All of the rest could just #
# Disappear #
# And I wouldn't even care #
# As long as you're there... #
# As long as you're there... #

Rachel Berry: You wrote an amazing song, Finn. I didn't know you had it in you.

Finn Hudson: Who cares about the song? What I don't understand is, all you've ever wanted is for us to be together, and I'm basically standing here begging for you, and suddenly you're not interested.

Rachel Berry: I-I am interested. More than interested. This is my dream. Being here in New York. I'm not gonna let anyone or anything keep me from it. I'm sorry, Finn. I love you. But... there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna change my mind about it.

Announcer: And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!

Finn & Rachel: # Face to face #
# And heart to heart #
# We're so close #
# Yet so far apart #
# I close my eyes #
# I look away #
# That's just because #
# I'm not okay #

Rachel Berry: # But I hold on #

Finn & Rachel: # I stay strong #
# Wondering if #
# We still belong... #
# Will we ever #
# Say the words #
# We're feeling #
# Reach down underneath and... #

Jesse St. James: I couldn't stay away.

Finn & Rachel: # Will we ever #

Will Schuester: From the show... or her?

Finn & Rachel: # Have a happy ending #
# Or will we forever #
# Only be pretending? #
# Keeping secrets safe #
# Every move we make #
# Seems like no one's #
# Letting go #
# And it's #
# Such a shame 'cause if you #
# Feel the same #
# How am I #
# Supposed #
# To know... #

Finn Hudson: # Will we ever #
# Say the words we're feeling #
# Reach down underneath and #

Finn & Rachel: # Tear down all the walls? #
# Will we ever #
# Have a happy ending #
# Or will we forever #
# Only be pretending? #
# Oh, oh, oh... #
# Pretending #
# Pretending... #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh... #
# Pretending... #

Jesse St. James: Was that scripted?

Will Schuester: No.

Santana Lopez: # Hey, hey, hey #
# You and me keep on dancing #
# In the dark #
# It's been tearing me apart #
# Never knowing what we are #
# Hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me keep on trying to play it cool #
# Now it's time to make a move #
# And that's what I'm gonna do #

Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Got something to say #

Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Throw your doubt away #

Artie Abrams: # Do or die now #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Step onto the plate #

Artie Abrams: # Blow the door wide open #

Brittany & Artie: # Like up, up and away #

New Directions: # Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark #
# And bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight #

Finn Hudson: # Hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me, turn it up ten thousand watts #
# Tell me why we've got to stop #
# I just want to let it rock, hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me keep on staring at the road #

Tina & Artie: # We don't know where to go, step back, let me take control #

Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Got something to say #

Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Throw your doubt away #

Artie Abrams: # Do or die now #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Step onto the plate #

Artie Abrams: # Blow the door wide open like #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Up, up and away #

New Directions: # Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark and bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight #
# Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark and bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight. #

Brittany S. Pierce: Don't you think this is gonna look so hot on Lord Tubbington? I'm gonna go find it in an extra large.

Rachel Berry: I think we were good.

Finn Hudson: Good? We were amazing.

Rachel Berry: The kiss was... interesting.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm-I'm calling it The Kiss of the Century.

Jesse St. James: You're wrong, Finn. That kiss was unprofessional. It was too personal and intense. The judges won't like it. They'll consider it common and vulgar, and it cost you Nationals. Hi, Rachel. You look amazing, and you sounded great. Just shouldn't have kissed him.

Rachel Berry: Why are you here, Jessie?

Jesse St. James: For you.

Finn Hudson: Dude, back off. You're just jealous. Jealous of what we have, and what we shared with the entire audience, because it was shared between two people who love each other. It was the Superman of kisses. It-It came with its own cape, right, Rachel?

Rachel Berry: What's-What's happening?

Kurt Hummel: They just posted the top ten for showcase. Everybody, gather around! It's a moment two years in the making.

Rachel Berry: Okay, what should we do?

Will Schuester: Let's go look at it... together. Come on, come on.

Rachel Berry: Oh, I'm too nervous to look.

Will Schuester: I'll go.

Finn Hudson: What did we place? Well, Mr. Shue? Say it. What did we rank?

Will Schuester: We didn't. I'm so sorry, you guys. We aren't in the top ten.

Kurt Hummel: Oh My God! You should have seen it. We all looked at the top ten list for Showcase, and we all just went numb. And then Jessie kept going on and on about how Rachel and Finn's kiss is what cost us Nationals.

Blaine Anderson: While I understand passion, I do think that was unprofessional, but sorry. Keep going.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, then we get back to the hotel, and Santana loses it.

Santana Lopez: Escucha, soy de Lima Heights Adjacent y yo tengo orgullo. ¿Sabes lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacent? ¡Cosas malas!

Kurt Hummel: I mean, and the plane ride was completely silent. Like, no one said a word. We all just sat there with our faces buried in our complimentary copies of SkyMall.

Blaine Anderson: Wait, I don't get it. You don't seem that sad at all.

Kurt Hummel: Well, it was still amazing. I mean, I flew on a plane for the first time in my life, I had breakfast at Tiffany's, I sang on a Broadway stage.

Blaine Anderson: I love you.

Kurt Hummel: I love you, too. You know, when you stop and think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year. Oh, look who's here.

Blaine Anderson: Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Sam Evans: Uh, nothing. Just, uh, getting a coffee.

Mercedes Jones: We ran into each other in the parking lot.

Blaine Anderson: We're on our way to get some sheet music. Tomorrow's my audition for the summer show at Six Flags.

Kurt Hummel: Whereas I'm spending my summer composing Pip, Pip, Hooray! The Broadway music about Pippa Middleton.

Sam Evans: I have no idea who that is, but it sounds totally awesome.

Mercedes Jones: We'll see you in class.

Blaine Anderson: Bye, guys. Okay, so here are the nominees for my songs tomorrow. I think I could probably...

Mercedes Jones: Do you think they know?

Sam Evans: I don't think anybody knows.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. You still pissed?

Santana Lopez: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Rachel Berry to actually work?

Brittany S. Pierce: Come on. We can't be mad at Rachel forever.

Santana Lopez: Uh, yes, we can. How could you possibly be so calm?

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. I hated losing just as much as everyone, but this year wasn't about winning for me.

Santana Lopez: Clearly, 'cause we got our asses kicked.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.

Santana Lopez: Sorry. What was it about?

Brittany S. Pierce: Acceptance. I know that all the kids in the Glee club... they fight, and they steal each other's boyfriends and girlfriends, and they threaten to quit, like, every other week, but weird stuff like that happens in families.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, this is a club. This is not a family.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, well, family is a place where everyone loves you no matter what, and they accept you for who you are. I know I'm going to be a bridesmaid at Mike and Tina's wedding, and I'm gonna be anxiously awaiting, just like everyone else, to see if their babies are Asian, too. When they find an operation to make Artie's legs work again, I'm going to be there for his first steps. I love them. I love everyone in Glee Club. And I get to spend another year with everyone I love, so, I'm good.

Santana Lopez: What about you and I?

Brittany S. Pierce: I love you, Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything's possible.

Santana Lopez: You're my best friend.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, me, too.

Santana Lopez: When did you get so smart?

Rachel Berry: Where have you been?

Finn Hudson: Hiding out. Everyone hates me.

Rachel Berry: No, they don't. It doesn't explain why you haven't said a word to me since we've been back.

Finn Hudson: 'Cause you should be more pissed at me than anyone else. I screwed up! I'm humiliated. We worked so hard for everything, and I was supposed to be this big shot leader, holding everyone together, and... I blew it. Cost us the championship.

Rachel Berry: Look, being an artist is about expressing your true feelings, in the moment, no matter what the consequences. What were you feeling in that moment?

Finn Hudson: That I loved you. And that I would have done or given anything to kiss you one more time.

Rachel Berry: So you did. You know, you gave it all up for one kiss.

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: Was it worth it?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. What about you? Was it worth it for you?

Rachel Berry: Yeah. 'Cause I know in my heart we'll have another shot at Nationals. You have to know that I... I'm leaving, Finn. I'm going to New York, and I'm never coming back.

Finn Hudson: Graduation's a year away. You got any plans till then?

Rachel Berry: Okay. Let's go.

Finn Hudson: Where are we going?

Rachel Berry: Final Glee Club meeting of the year.

Will Schuester: No other show choir who finished in 12th place has ever felt so honored.

Finn Hudson: Hi.

Rachel Berry: Hi.

Quinn Fabray: Hiya. Come on.

Will Schuester: You guys want to see what 12th place looks like?