Glee - Season 1 Episodes 7-12

107. Throwdown

放送日:2009年10月14日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week: Quinn's pregnant and Puck's the father, but Quinn's decided to give the baby to Terri, who's not pregnant, just pretending to be. It was her sister Kendra's idea.
Kendra Giardi: We're gonna have to get you a baby.
Ian Brennan: Also, Ken proposed to Emma, and she said...
Emma Pillsbury: Yes.
Ian Brennan: Oh, and Sue got Figgins to make her co-director of the glee club.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: How did this happen? I look like a crazy person. That's not me. Wow, I didn't know the vein on my neck could stick out like that. We've been going at it for a week-- ever since the decongestant incident when Figgins brought Sue in to co-run the glee club. I'm so ashamed of myself. She's turned me into her.
Sue Sylvester: Look at me. Even in the heat of battle I'm so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior. God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will.
Will Schuester: Shut up, Sue. Look at us: We're even fighting in our voiceovers. I guess things really started to fall apart a couple of days ago, right after Figgins called us into his office for a sit-down...



Principal Figgins: Sue, Schue, I called you here to get the temperature of the glee club.
Will Schuester: Great.
Principal Figgins: I wanted to get a progress report on how you're working together as co-directors.
Sue Sylvester: Well, in my opinion...
Will Schuester: Well, I think...
Sue Sylvester: No, go ahead.
Will Schuester: No, you.
Sue Sylvester: Okay.
Will Schuester: Please.
Sue Sylvester: Principal Figgins, uh... things couldn't be going more smoothly.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.
Principal Figgins: I don't want to hear any reports of either of you trying to curry favor from the children. Am I clear?
Will Schuester: Absolutely.



Will Schuester: As we head into sectionals, I want to get some feedback, like what kind of stuff you guys would like to be doing. Is there anything, any music in particular, that you guys want to do?
Mercedes Jones: Could we maybe try something a little more... black?
Kurt Hummel: I agree. We do an awful lot of show tunes.
Rachel Berry: It's glee club. Not krunk club.
Mercedes Jones: Don't make me take you to the carpet.
Will Schuester: Fantastic. Thank you, Mercedes, Kurt. Duly noted. Anything else?
Mike Chang: I can pop and lock.
Will Schuester: Not really what we're going for, Mike, but... noted. Noted, yes.



Principal Figgins: And no pitting the kids against one another.
Sue Sylvester: Never.



Sue Sylvester: I want to pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.
Quinn Fabray: The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.
Sue Sylvester: Hmm, a chink in the armor , huh? I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.



Principal Figgins: Sectionals is coming up. What are your co-director plans?
Will Schuester: Oh, we were actually... uh, we're each going to direct our own number.
Sue Sylvester: And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first. It'll be very civilized, very sportsman-like, so...
Will Schuester: Mm. Yeah.
Principal Figgins: This arrangement is pleasing to all.
Sue Sylvester: Isn't it?
Will Schuester: It's great.
Principal Figgins: Now... let's hug it out.
Will Schuester: I'd rather not do that.
Sue Sylvester: I really don't see that happening.
Principal Figgins: This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching. It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.
Will Schuester: I will destroy you.
Sue Sylvester: I'm about to vomit down your back.
Will Schuester: It's on.



Quinn Fabray: I'm freaking out.
Finn Hudson: Everything is going to be fine.
Dr. Chin: Relax. At your age, there's very little chance of anything being wrong.
Finn Hudson: Awesome.
Dr. Chin: Okay, this is going to be a little cool to the touch.
Quinn Fabray: Can you just be careful with my uniform?
Dr. Chin: All right. Speaking of your ages, have you two given any thought to what you're going to do after the baby is born?
Finn Hudson: Whatever Quinn wants is fine.
Dr. Chin: Well, if it makes a difference, it's a girl.



Finn Hudson: Baby's fine. No mutations or anything. Not even any cool ones. Thanks for taking us today. I was too freaked out to drive.
Will Schuester: Yeah, no problem. Hey. You doing all right?
Finn Hudson: Um, no. I mean, how am I supposed to take care of a real person? My mom won't even let me have fish.
Will Schuester: I-I thought Quinn wanted to give the baby up for adoption.
Finn Hudson: For now, but we both know that's not my call. It sucks. Get all the stress and worry and none of the control. It's cool, Mr. Schue. You wouldn't understand.



Jacob Ben Israel: The independent polling company in my dockers has determined you're the hottest girl in this school.
Rachel Berry: Ew.
Jacob Ben Israel: Have you been reading my blog?
Rachel Berry: Of course not. You're a gossip monger and your blog is nothing but trash and lies, many of them about me.
Jacob Ben Israel: Well, you'll be happy to know the one I'm working on right now has nothing to do with you or your rumored lust for jewfros. It's about Quinn Fabray. Word on the street is that she's in trouble.
Rachel Berry: Where did you hear that?
Jacob Ben Israel: Are you denying it?
Rachel Berry: Yes.
Jacob Ben Israel: Because the sae birdi told me you're heartbroken Finn Hudson didn't choose you to carry his litter.
Rachel Berry: What is it going to take for you to not run the story?



Sue Sylvester: Lady's choice. Heads.



Sue Sylvester: Trickster's trick store? This is Sue Sylvester. You got any of these double-headed coins?



Will Schuester: Heads.
Sue Sylvester: Awesome. All right, the following students have been selected for a special, elite glee club called Sue's kids.
Will Schuester: Hold on. We agreed not to split up the group.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, come on, Will. Give me a chance to do things Sue Sylvester's way. Maybe with my proven leadership abilities, I can help this pathetic group of mouth breathers place at sectionals.
Will Schuester: We can't even compete in sectionals if we divide up the club, Sue. It's against the rules.
Sue Sylvester: Really? You need to crack open a book, William. Here, I have. Show choir rule book, page 24. Provision 14, second addendum. Twelve members must perform for each team. However, not allembers must perform every song.
Will Schuester: Fine. Just go ahead, take all the football players and your cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: All right, everybody, listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing.
Will Schuester: That's called a piano, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Santana. Wheels. Gay kid. Come on. Move it. Asian, other Asian, Aretha, and shaft. See, Will, I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students.
Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will, and maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter.
Santana Lopez: And that's how Sue sees it.
Sue Sylvester: Outstanding.



Kendra Giardi: I wanted to remind you to tell that Quinn girl not to vaccinate in the hospital. I'm pretty sure those shots made my kids stupid.
Terri Schuester: Oh, I guess I could use the vaccination money to buy the organic crib mattress. I mean, what are the ances of the baby getting polio, right?
Will Schuester: Bye, Kendra.
Kendra Giardi: I hate you, Will!
Terri Schuester: That was rude. Don't take the stress of your workday out on me.
Will Schuester: I don't want to take it out on you, Terri. I just don't want to feel as powerless in my own home as I do at school. And I have to come home and listen to you making major decisions about our son with your sister. I haven't en felt the baby kick yet, and the only time I've ever been to an ob-gyn office was when I took Quinn and Finn for the ten-week ultrasound.
Terri Schuester: You did? How's the baby?
Will Schuester: Fine. It's a girl. But that's not the point.
Terri Schuester: Well, what is the point, Will?
Will Schuester: My point is that I am the father of that baby. And I am coming with you to your next doctor's appointment.



Finn Hudson: Did you have to get him to stop?
Rachel Berry: Let's just say I feel sorry for my dads 'cause they're probably going to have dipped into my college fund to pay for intensive therapy.
Finn Hudson: Oh, hardcore.
Rachel Berry: I don't mind. I did it to protect you.
Finn Hudson: And Quinn.
Rachel Berry: Of course. We're all teammate.
Finn Hudson: Hey, I got to tell you, you really are awesome. I'm gonna make it up to you someday, I swear.
Jacob Ben Israel: I need another pair.
Rachel Berry: What's wrong with the ones I already gave you?
Jacob Ben Israel: Look. Uh, they still had the tag on them.
Rachel Berry: Put those away.
Jacob Ben Israel: I want Rachel Berry panties. Okay, I expect delivery by tomorrow morning or the story of Quinn Fabray and the stork goes wide. I feel an urge to kiss you right now. I'm just going to go for it, okay?
Rachel Berry: No, no, no. You-you-you... stop it.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm ki-kind of nervous.
Artie Abrams: I debated not even showing up.
Mercedes Jones: Well, I think it's gonna be great. Did you catch Sue's corner last night?



Sue Sylvester: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids, I brought some of my brass buddies with me. Thought maybe they could help us out a little bit. Okay, so I selected a song that I think will speak to the frustration you felt under the failed leadership of Will Schuester.
Mercedes Jones: "Hate on me," an R&B song?
Sue Sylvester: You like that? Changster, I want to see some of that pop-and-lock groove you're so famous for. You go to town. And you, Mercedes, I want to see some Mariah hands.
Mercedes Jones: I can do that.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I think we g-g-got this one, Miss Sylvester.
Sue Sylvester: All right, w-we'll see. Hit it!
New Directions: # Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do #
Mercedes Jones: # If I could give you the world on a silver platter #
# Would it even matter, you'd still be mad at me #
# If I could find in all this a dozen roses that I would give to you, #
# You'd still be miserable #
# 'Cause in reality I'm gonna be who I be #
# And I don't feel no faults, for all the lies that you bought #
# You can try as you may, break me down but I say #
# That it ain't up to you. Gonna do what you do. #
# Hate on me, hater now or later, #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby. #
New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #
Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #
# You can hate on me now or later #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby #
New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #
Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #
# Hate on me now or later #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby #
New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #
Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #



Will Schuester: Sue. Hey, Sylvester, I'm talking to you.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, hey, buddy. I thought I smelled failure.
Will Schuester: Why did you take the piano when it was my time up with the kids?
Sue Sylvester: A properly steam-cleaned piano is key to any successful music group.
Will Schuester: You are undermining me in front of these students.
Sue Sylvester: Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.



Will Schuester: Sue, I am not done talking to you. What about all my sheet music? My kids need that music.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Will, the last thing your kids need is chronic sinusitis from the mildew I feared was infesting that old moldy paper.
Will Schuester: Oh, so, what? You sent it away for somtesting?
Sue Sylvester: No. Burned it.
Will Schuester: Oh, that is it, Sue. This ends right here.
Sue Sylvester: A cockfight. Fantastic.
Will Schuester: No. We are here for these students so, whater problems we have with one another, we're going to get them out in the open right now.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, you want to get real? You're right, Will, I have been trying to destroy your club with a conviction I can only call religious. And you want to know why? Because I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.
Will Schuester: Oh, you are a terrible influence on these kids. I think you're dangerous and I think you teach them all the wrong lessons.
Sue Sylvester: I don't care what you think. I have a legacy to protect, William, and glee club is a part of that legacy, and I will win. And if it means I have to get you fired to do it... So be it. Those drinks are crap!



Will Schuester: Oh, thanks, honey. I want to finish grading these papers first.
Terri Schuester: What, you think the kids weren't drunk when they wrote them? Listen, honey.I've been a really crummy wife lately.
Will Schuester: Terri, you're carrying my baby. I have no right to expect anything more than that from you.
Terri Schuester: No. That is my sister's marriage and I don't want it. Anyway, listen.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Schuester: I think that I might be able to help you with your problems at school.
Will Schuester: Uh, thanks, Terri, but the last time you helped out at school, it didn't go over very well. Besides, this is serious. I mean, Sue said she wouldn't rest until she saw me fired.
Terri Schuester: Well, all the more reason. You got to do whatever it takes, honey. You got to get down in the gutter if you want to win this.



Reporter: Sue, a lot of our readers at cheerleading today...
Sue Sylvester: I'm cutting you off. Is this a cover story?
Reporter: Yes.
Sue Sylvester: Okay. This is all your readers need to know. I'm all about empowerment. I empower my cheerio to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror. Speaking of which... Q, here, now! Where are my cheerios?
Quinn Fabray: Coach, they're not academically eligible. Mr. Schuester flunked them.



Sue Sylvester: This is a travesty of international proportions. You are jeopardizing my cheerios' role as goodwill ambassadors. And I have a call in to the president.
Will Schuester: Sue, I have in my hand a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero.
Sue Sylvester: You can't stand it. You can't stand to see a woman in a position of power.
Will Schuester: That has nothing...
Sue Sylvester: Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating, Will, if it weren't so terrifying!
Principal Figgins: Sue. Will did a little research, and according to our test records, most of your cheerleaders are functionally illiterate.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, so what?
Principal Figgins: Why, only last Friday at the football game, they tried to spell out "go, te" and they spelled out... to game.
Will Schuester: To game. Since 1992, 95 percent of your cheerios should have flunked Spanish, and I, for one, am not going to be a part of it anymore.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, Will, we all know about your devotion to that dying language.
Will Schuester: Dying language?
Sue Sylvester: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my cheerios to be champions. Do they go on to college? I don't know. I don't care.
Will Schuester: See...
Sue Sylvester: Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they want to become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round-off.
Will Schuester: She is deranged! You know what? This all happened on your watch. You have allowed this to go on for years.
Sue Sylvester: Say something!
Principal Figgins: Oh, ple... Oh, okay. Sue, Will is correct. You're wrong.
Sue Sylvester: What?
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Principal Figgins: From now on, no free passes. That's it! There!
Will Schuester: See you in glee club, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Don't... touch me. That is a lawsuit, mister. I will sue your ass! What happened to our little agreement, huh? Will I be uploading a certain video to YouTube this afternoon?
Principal Figgins: Anti-embolism stockings can be purchased... Oh, Sue. I put it on YouTube myself. And it only got two hits. Let me break it down for you. Nobody cares! No! Not the children!
Sue Sylvester: Move! Move!



Quinn Fabray: What is this?
Finn Hudson: Check it out. I came up with a name that I think would be good for the kid.
Will Schuester: Eyes on your own test, Finn. What's up now, Ronnie?
Finn Hudson: Anyway, then I read that Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple, and I think that's so cool 'cause you know how much I love apples, right? And so I figured we should name our kid something more original and poetic. Then I came up with the best baby name of all time. Drizzle!
Quinn Fabray: Drizzle?
Finn Hudson: Yeah! Yeah! 'Cause you know how awesome it is when it's just drizzling outside, but it's not really raining, so it smells like rain, but you don't need an umbrella to go outside.
Quinn Fabray: Are you a moron?
Finn Hudson: What?
Quinn Fabray: We're not naming our baby Drizzle. We're not naming our baby anything. Finish your test, Finn. Will you give me my test back?
Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't understand anything.
Quinn Fabray: That's not my problem.



Quinn Fabray: You are so insensitive. Bringing up baby names to me when you know I don't want to keep it. I can't keep it.
Finn Hudson: I know, but I don't get what you expect me to do about it.
Quinn Fabray: Not have an opinion.
Finn Hudson: Hey, this is happening to me, too.
Quinn Fabray: No, it's not. You're not the one whose parents will burn her like a witch if they find out.
Finn Hudson: You know, sometimes I wish you were a little more like Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: Really?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. She cares about my feelings. She sticks up for me. She sticks up for both of us. You know that she gave that Jacob kid a pair of her underpants just to keep him from posting on his blog about you being pregnant?
Quinn Fabray: You think she did that for me? Just to be a good teammate?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. That's what she told me.
Quinn Fabray: I know some guys cheat on their wives or pregnant girlfriends. Just don't do it with her.



New Directions: # Whoo! #
# Hey, oh, Hey Oh! #
# Where they at where they at, #
# Where they at, where they at? #
# Where they at, where they at? #
# Where they at? #
# Come on #
# If you wanna go and take a ride wit me #
# We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's #
# Oh why do I live this way? #
# Hey, must be the money! #
# In the club on the late night, feelin right #
# Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice #
# Lookin for a little shorty I noticed #
# So that I can take home #
# I can take home #
# She can be 18 #
# 18 #
# Wit an attitude #
# Or 19 kinda snotty, actin real rude #
# But as long as you a thicky thicky thick #
# Girl you know that it's on #
# Know that it's on #
# I peep something comin towards me up the dance floor #
# Sexy and real slow #
# Hey #
# Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video #
# So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no? #
# Her measurements were 36-25-34 #
# I like the way you brush your hair #
# And I like those stylish clothes you wear #
# I like the way the light hit the ice and glare #
# And I can see you moving way over there #
Rachel Berry: I miss us all being together.
Artie Abrams: I hope we don't get in trouble for our covert jam session.
Kurt Hummel: If Sue catches us mingling, we're cooked. She told me if I even talked to one of Mr.Schue's kids that she would shave my head. And I just can't rock that look. I mean, even Justin Timberlake is growing his 'fro back.
Mercedes Jones: Well, we got to go, you guys. Miss Sylvester is expecting us in ten minutes in the dance studio.
Artie Abrams: Bye, white people.
Will Schuester: Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Just s-s-stopping by to say hello.
Will Schuester: Oh, it's great to see you guys. All right, great news, guys. Brought the band with me, and I think that we have our number for sectionals.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, we don't like what this has become.
Will Schuester: Don't you guys see? That is how Sue wants you to feel. Giving up doesn't help anyone but her. Look, if it were up to me we would all perform together at sectionals, but it's not up to me anymore, okay? Sue's going to do her song, and we are gonna do ours. Sue's kids are singing about hate, literally. So, I thought we would try a kinder approach. All right, Finn and Rachel, come up here; you're gonna take the leads.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I love this song! Okay, follow my lead.
Finn Hudson: Don't wait for me.
Quinn Fabray: So much for togetherness.
Will Schuester: Guys, you guys really need to practice this, all right? Night and day, between classes, it has to be letter-perfect. Okay?
Finn Hudson: You got it, Mr. S.
Rachel Berry: Of course.
Finn Hudson: Hit it.
Rachel Berry: # Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air #
New Directions: # Oh... Oh... Oh... #
Rachel Berry: # If I should die before I wake, #
New Directions: # It's 'cause you took my breath away #
# Losing you is like #
# Living in a world with no air #
# Oh #
Finn Hudson: # I'm here alone, don't wanna leave #
# My heart won't move; it's incomplete #
# Wish there was a way
# That I can make you understand #
Rachel Berry: # But how #
New Directions: # Do you expect me #
# To live alone with just me #
# 'Cause my world revolves around you #
# It's so hard for me to breathe #
Finn & Rachel: # Now #
New Directions: # Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air #
Rachel Berry: # With no air #
Finn Hudson: # No air #
New Directions: # Can't live, can't breathe with no air #
Rachel Berry: # Whoa, whoa #
Finn Hudson: # No air #
New Directions: # It's how I feel whenever you ain't there #
# It's no air, no air #
Finn Hudson: # No breathing #
Rachel Berry: # No breathing #
New Directions: # Got me out here in the water so deep #
# Tell me how you gonna be without me #
# If you ain't here, I just can't breathe #
Finn Hudson: # Can't be without you, baby #
New Directions: # It's no air, no air #
Rachel Berry: # Breathe, no air #
New Directions: # No air, air - No #
# No air, air - No #
Finn Hudson: # No, hard for me to breathe #
New Directions: # No air, air - No #
# No air, air #
Rachel Berry: # You got me out here in the water so deep #
Finn Hudson: # Tell me how you gonna be without me #
Rachel Berry: # If you ain't here, I just can't breathe #
# It's no air #
Finn & Rachel: # No air #
Will Schuester: Amazing, guys. Bull's-eye.
Quinn Fabray: Excuse me. What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?



Sue Sylvester: Say it for me again. Word for word.
Quinn Fabray: What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?
Sue Sylvester: Perfect. Then turn to the other two and say...



Quinn Fabray: I think Sue was right about him. He clearly doesn't like minorities.



Sue Sylvester: Can you imagine, in this day and age, being discriminated against? My goodness, the pain you must be feeling. So, your last name's Puckerman, huh?
Noah Puckerman: Shalom.
Sue Sylvester: Who knew? And poor, sweet Brittany. Oh, I know the Dutch are famous for being a cold people, but that's no excuse for eating you like some half-price hooker in Amsterdam's famous red light district. Well, all I can say is if you're serious about leaving Schuester, Sue Sylvester's rainbow tent will gladly protect you from his storm of racism.



Will Schuester: Hey, babe, you home? Hey, what's for dinner?
Terri Schuester: Oh... why don't you get something from takeout?
Will Schuester: Hey, listen, I don't expect you start cooking, but on nights when you're home first, I think it's appropriate for you to take care of dinner.
Terri Schuester: Wow, you're so forceful. What's gotten into you?
Will Schuester: You. You were right. I stood up to Sue, and now she is begging me for mercy. Oh, I feel great! And I have you to thank for it.
Terri Schuester: I have my moments, huh?
Will Schuester: You're going to have another one this Friday at 4:00. I made an appointment for us with Dr. Wu.
Terri Schuester: My obstetrician?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Will Schuester: I'm finally going to get a look at my little boy. Hey, pick whatever you want for dinner. Just not Chinese again.



Will Schuester: Who do you think you are?
Sue Sylvester: Well, now you know how it felt for me to have my cheerios snatched away.
Will Schuester: I can't do a song with three kids!
Sue Sylvester: Not with that attitude. Look, I'm prepared to cut you a deal. You pass my cheerios, and I'll give you back your team of losers and snot-faucets.
Will Schuester: Sue Sylvester, you're going to have to pry those "f"s from my cold, dead hands.
Sue Sylvester: Can't wait, pal!



Dr. Wu: My job is very stressful. After dentists, obstetricians have the highest rate of suicide among medical professionals. Caring for my bonsai relaxes me.
Terri Schuester: I had a huge crush on the karate kid when I was a teenager.
Kendra Giardi: Can we cut the crap?
Dr. Wu: I guess I'm a little curious as to what you ladies want from me. Neither of you are pregnant.
Kendra Giardi: Well, Wu, you delivered all three of my kids. Each one is dumber than the last. Plus, they all have add and although my husband nor I have red hair, they are all creepy ginger kids.
Dr. Wu: It's caused by a recessive gene.
Kendra Giardi: That's one theory. Do you wanna hear mine? You gave me too much pitocin when I was in labor, and it screwed up their dna.
Dr. Wu: That's not a theory. You just made that up. Mrs. Schuester, is your sister on some kind of new psychotropic medication?
Terri Schuester: Not that I know of.
Kendra Giardi: That's offensive.
Terri Schuester: Are you all right?
Kendra Giardi: Here's the deal, Wu. My husband does the taxes for some very powerful mid-sized law firms in this town. And I'm sure somebody would be more than happy to take on my lawsuit.
Dr. Wu: You'll never win.
Kendra Giardi: I don't have to win. There's only twobs in this town. You get even the slightest stink on you, and you can bet that a bunch of your patients will just close on up their legs . And walk on over to Dr. Chin.
Dr. Wu: Okay, this is outrageous. What do you want?



Quinn Fabray: Listen here, treasure-trail, we're about to have a smackdown.
Rachel Berry: I don't want to have a confrontation.
Quinn Fabray: Don't play stupid with me, stubbles. I'm having Finn's baby and you need to back off. I'm asking you as nicely as I possibly can. Leave him alone.
Rachel Berry: You're right. I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do, but because I had romantic ulterior motives. But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating.
Quinn Fabray: Excuse me?
Rachel Berry: I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's mole. And you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true.
Quinn Fabray: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Rachel Berry: Sue's not on your side, Quinn. She's not on anyone's side but her own. Can you imagine what she's gonna do once she finds out about your situation? She'll probably try to rip off your uniform with her bare hands. Every time you whisper in her ear, you empower her to do more damage to the glee club. And right now, glee club is all you have, and if I were you, I'd recognize who my true friends are. Oh, and I'd practice a little bit more. Because you obviously have a lot you need to express.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, you have no idea.
# Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Get out my life, why don't you, baby? #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on #
Cheerios: # Ohh ohh #
Quinn Fabray: # You don't really need me #
# But you keep me hanging on #
# Why do you keep on comin' around #
# Playing with my heart? #
# Why don't you get out of my life #
# And let me make a new start? #
# Let me get over you #
# The way you've gotten over me #
# Hey #
# Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Let me be, why don't you, baby? #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on #
Cheerios: # Ohh ohh #
Quinn Fabray: # No you don't really want me #
# You just keep me hanging on #
# You say though we broke up #
# You still wanna be just friends #
# But how can we still be friends #
# When seeing you only breaks my heart again? #
# And there ain't nothing I can do about it #
Cheerios: # Whoa whoa whoa #
Quinn Fabray: # Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Get out my life, why don't you, baby? #
# Go on, get out, get out of my life #
# And let me sleep at night, please #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on, on, on, on... #
All right, everybody, take five.



Rachel Berry: We would just like to say that although we find ourselves on opposite sides, we hope you enjoy our number and we look forward to seeing yours...
Sue Sylvester: Get on with it! Enough with the jibba-jabba! Sing something!
Will Schuester: Sue, you can't talk to kids that way.
Rachel Berry: Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Sue Sylvester: All right, that's it. Come on. She had her chance. Everybody up! We're leaving.
Finn Hudson: I'm sorry. Is there a fire?
Sue Sylvester: No, and that's the point, there is no fire. You know, it's sad enough that my "Sues・kids" are living in squalor and probably on food stamps.
Mercedes Jones: My dad's a dentist.
Sue Sylvester: But for you to drag them in here and bore them to death, I won't stand for it. Come on, kids, out. We're going for conies, my treat.
Will Schuester: All right, that's it!
Sue Sylvester: Really?
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? You've been pretty honest about your feelings for me, so let me return the favor. You're rude, Sue. You have no class, and you are a Terrible teacher!
Sue Sylvester: I'll have you know I have my PhD.
Will Schuester: You got it online, Sue!
Sue Sylvester: You are a failed performer, Will! You weren't good enough to make it in the real world. You're not even good enough to run this stupid little club that nobody cares about. Time after time, Will, you fail!
Will Schuester: You spend every waking moment of your life figuring out ways to Terrify children to try to make you feel better about yourself, and the fact that you're probably gonna spend the rest of your life alone!
Sue Sylvester: How dare you to talk to me like that!
Will Schuester: Don't you even go...
Sue Sylvester: Don't you point your...
Finn Hudson: Enough! I'm sorry Mr. Schue, Ms. Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear mom and dad fight, those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday.
Mercedes Jones: I agree. Glee club is supposed to be fun. And furthermore, I don't like this minority business. I may be a strong, proud black woman, but I'm a lot more than that. I'm out.
Tina Cohen-Chang: M-me, too.
Rachel Berry: Fellow glee clubbers, it would be an honor to show you how a real storm-out is done. I encourage you to follow my lead.



Will Schuester: Is that necessary? It's nothing I haven't seen before. I mean, I am the one who knocked her up.
Dr. Wu: Just standard operating procedure. You okay, Mr. Schuester? You seem upset.
Will Schuester: Just, just a little stressed. Bad day at work.
Terri Schuester: Will, you're about to see your child for the first time. Can you forget about those dancing delinquents for one minute?
Will Schuester: You're right. I'm sorry. Oh, my parents are gonna kill me if I don't come home with the DVD.
Dr. Wu: Got it right here.
Will Schuester: All right!
Dr. Wu: The gel. Oh!
Will Schuester: You okay?
Dr. Wu: Ooh, that must be cold.
Terri Schuester: It's really...
Dr. Wu: Sorry about that.
Terri Schuester: Yeah, it's a little cold.
Will Schuester: Wow! That's him!
Dr. Wu: Oh, hold on a sec.
Will Schuester: What? Is something wrong with him?
Dr. Wu: Well, not exactly. This is really embarrassing, but it appears as if your boy is a girl.
Will Schuester: Oh, my god! Did something happen to his... ?
Dr. Wu: No, he never had one. He's a she. Must have misread the first sonogram. Sorry about that.
Terri Schuester: Honey, I didn't know that having a boy was so important to you.
Will Schuester: It isn't. I don't care what she is. She's all ours. I'm just so... happy.
Terri Schuester: No matter whatappens, I want you to remember at this moment, that we love each other, okay?



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: William, close the door.
Will Schuester: I, uh, wanted to talk to you about the auditorium.
Sue Sylvester: Good. I wanted to come to you, too, but I have no idea where your office is. Why don't you have a seat.
Will Schuester: Sure.
Sue Sylvester: So, I decided to step down as co-head of glee.
Will Schuester: Really?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, it's not for me. It's too fruity. I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion.
Will Schuester: Yeah, it did get pretty bad in there.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, yeah. I'd still like to stay on as consigliore. You know, maybe you could show me your setlists before competitions. Just so I can feel like I'm contributing.
Will Schuester: Cool.
Sue Sylvester: You know I was a veejay for a couple of years. Not MTV, but still.
Will Schuester: Why do I feel like I'm about to fall through a trapdoor into a pit of fire?
Sue Sylvester: Because you don't trust me. I know my methods are extreme. And I know I'm not like the rest of you hippies, caring about the kids' feelings as if they're real, but I do care about teaching. And when I coach them, and they win... I win. And you know how I feel about winning.
Will Schuester: I do. Look, who's to say everything I do is 100% on the ball?
Sue Sylvester: No one would say that.
Will Schuester: Probably right. But, um, in hindsight... You were right to shine the spotlight on the fact that those kids are minorities.



Will Schuester: Because you're all minorities. You are in the glee club. Now there are only 12 of you, and all you have is each other. So it doesn't matter that Rachel is Jewish, or that Finn is...
Finn Hudson: Unable to tell my rights from my lefts.
Will Schuester: Sure. Or that Santana is Latina, or that Quinn is...
Sue Sylvester: ... Pregnant. Sorry, Q. It'll be all over the blogosphere by this afternoon. Now everybody knows. Including me.



Rachel Berry: How could you do that? Do you have any idea how much pain you caused by running that story?
Jacob Ben Israel: Sue made me do it.



Sue Sylvester: This was a particularly interesting find from today's round of locker checks. Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an "Eve" who was born a "Steve"? Because if you are, I think there's a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand.
Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel gave them to me so I wouldn't run the Quinn story.
Sue Sylvester: What Quinn story?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quinn Fabray's pregnant.
Sue Sylvester: Not a chance. If my head cheerleader was pregnant, jeopardizing the very future of my cheerios and thus my teaching tenure, I think she would have come to me. Quinn Fabray repects me, would never lie to me, never.
Jacob Ben Israel: I have three sources confirming. Please don't expel me. I'll kill the story.
Sue Sylvester: No. Run it.



Jacob Ben Israel: I'm sorry, Rachel.
Finn Hudson: It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.



Rachel Berry: # You're not alone #
# Together we stand #
# I'll be by your side, you know #
# I'll take your hand #
Finn Hudson: When it gets cold #
# And it feels like the end #
# There's no place to go #
# You know I won't give in #
New Directions: # Ah... ah... #
Finn & Rachel: # No I won't give in #
New Directions: # Ah... ah... #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Keep holding on #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause you know we'll make it through, #
Finn & Rachel: # We'll make it through #
New Directions: # Just stay strong #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause you know I'm here for you, #
New Directions: # I'm here for you #
# There's nothing you could say #
# Nothing you could do #
# There's no other way when it comes to the truth #
# So, keep holding on #
# 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through #
Finn & Rachel: # Hear me when I say, when I say I believe #
# Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny #
# Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly #
New Directions: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# La da da da #
# La da da da #
# La da da da da da da da da... #
New Directions: # Keep holding on #
# 'Cause you know we'll make it through, #
# We'll make it through #
# Keep holding on #
# Keep holding on #
# There's nothing you could say #
# Nothing you could do #
# There's no other way when it comes to the truth #
# So, keep holding on #
# 'Cause, you know, we'll make it through, #
# We'll make it through #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week: Quinn's pregnant and Puck's the father, but Quinn's decided to give the baby to Terri, who's not pregnant, just pretending to be. It was her sister Kendra's idea.
Kendra Giardi: We're gonna have to get you a baby.
Ian Brennan: Also, Ken proposed to Emma, and she said...
Emma Pillsbury: Yes.
Ian Brennan: Oh, and Sue got Figgins to make her co-director of the glee club.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: How did this happen? I look like a crazy person. That's not me. Wow, I didn't know the vein on my neck could stick out like that. We've been going at it for a week-- ever since the decongestant incident when Figgins brought Sue in to co-run the glee club. I'm so ashamed of myself. She's turned me into her.
Sue Sylvester: Look at me. Even in the heat of battle I'm so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior. God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will.
Will Schuester: Shut up, Sue. Look at us: We're even fighting in our voiceovers. I guess things really started to fall apart a couple of days ago, right after Figgins called us into his office for a sit-down...



Principal Figgins: Sue, Schue, I called you here to get the temperature of the glee club.
Will Schuester: Great.
Principal Figgins: I wanted to get a progress report on how you're working together as co-directors.
Sue Sylvester: Well, in my opinion...
Will Schuester: Well, I think...
Sue Sylvester: No, go ahead.
Will Schuester: No, you.
Sue Sylvester: Okay.
Will Schuester: Please.
Sue Sylvester: Principal Figgins, uh... things couldn't be going more smoothly.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.
Principal Figgins: I don't want to hear any reports of either of you trying to curry favor from the children. Am I clear?
Will Schuester: Absolutely.



Will Schuester: As we head into sectionals, I want to get some feedback, like what kind of stuff you guys would like to be doing. Is there anything, any music in particular, that you guys want to do?
Mercedes Jones: Could we maybe try something a little more... black?
Kurt Hummel: I agree. We do an awful lot of show tunes.
Rachel Berry: It's glee club. Not krunk club.
Mercedes Jones: Don't make me take you to the carpet.
Will Schuester: Fantastic. Thank you, Mercedes, Kurt. Duly noted. Anything else?
Mike Chang: I can pop and lock.
Will Schuester: Not really what we're going for, Mike, but... noted. Noted, yes.



Principal Figgins: And no pitting the kids against one another.
Sue Sylvester: Never.



Sue Sylvester: I want to pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.
Quinn Fabray: The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.
Sue Sylvester: Hmm, a chink in the armor , huh? I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.



Principal Figgins: Sectionals is coming up. What are your co-director plans?
Will Schuester: Oh, we were actually... uh, we're each going to direct our own number.
Sue Sylvester: And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first. It'll be very civilized, very sportsman-like, so...
Will Schuester: Mm. Yeah.
Principal Figgins: This arrangement is pleasing to all.
Sue Sylvester: Isn't it?
Will Schuester: It's great.
Principal Figgins: Now... let's hug it out.
Will Schuester: I'd rather not do that.
Sue Sylvester: I really don't see that happening.
Principal Figgins: This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching. It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.
Will Schuester: I will destroy you.
Sue Sylvester: I'm about to vomit down your back.
Will Schuester: It's on.



Quinn Fabray: I'm freaking out.
Finn Hudson: Everything is going to be fine.
Dr. Chin: Relax. At your age, there's very little chance of anything being wrong.
Finn Hudson: Awesome.
Dr. Chin: Okay, this is going to be a little cool to the touch.
Quinn Fabray: Can you just be careful with my uniform?
Dr. Chin: All right. Speaking of your ages, have you two given any thought to what you're going to do after the baby is born?
Finn Hudson: Whatever Quinn wants is fine.
Dr. Chin: Well, if it makes a difference, it's a girl.



Finn Hudson: Baby's fine. No mutations or anything. Not even any cool ones. Thanks for taking us today. I was too freaked out to drive.
Will Schuester: Yeah, no problem. Hey. You doing all right?
Finn Hudson: Um, no. I mean, how am I supposed to take care of a real person? My mom won't even let me have fish.
Will Schuester: I-I thought Quinn wanted to give the baby up for adoption.
Finn Hudson: For now, but we both know that's not my call. It sucks. Get all the stress and worry and none of the control. It's cool, Mr. Schue. You wouldn't understand.



Jacob Ben Israel: The independent polling company in my dockers has determined you're the hottest girl in this school.
Rachel Berry: Ew.
Jacob Ben Israel: Have you been reading my blog?
Rachel Berry: Of course not. You're a gossip monger and your blog is nothing but trash and lies, many of them about me.
Jacob Ben Israel: Well, you'll be happy to know the one I'm working on right now has nothing to do with you or your rumored lust for jewfros. It's about Quinn Fabray. Word on the street is that she's in trouble.
Rachel Berry: Where did you hear that?
Jacob Ben Israel: Are you denying it?
Rachel Berry: Yes.
Jacob Ben Israel: Because the sae birdi told me you're heartbroken Finn Hudson didn't choose you to carry his litter.
Rachel Berry: What is it going to take for you to not run the story?



Sue Sylvester: Lady's choice. Heads.



Sue Sylvester: Trickster's trick store? This is Sue Sylvester. You got any of these double-headed coins?



Will Schuester: Heads.
Sue Sylvester: Awesome. All right, the following students have been selected for a special, elite glee club called Sue's kids.
Will Schuester: Hold on. We agreed not to split up the group.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, come on, Will. Give me a chance to do things Sue Sylvester's way. Maybe with my proven leadership abilities, I can help this pathetic group of mouth breathers place at sectionals.
Will Schuester: We can't even compete in sectionals if we divide up the club, Sue. It's against the rules.
Sue Sylvester: Really? You need to crack open a book, William. Here, I have. Show choir rule book, page 24. Provision 14, second addendum. Twelve members must perform for each team. However, not allembers must perform every song.
Will Schuester: Fine. Just go ahead, take all the football players and your cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: All right, everybody, listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing.
Will Schuester: That's called a piano, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Santana. Wheels. Gay kid. Come on. Move it. Asian, other Asian, Aretha, and shaft. See, Will, I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students.
Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will, and maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter.
Santana Lopez: And that's how Sue sees it.
Sue Sylvester: Outstanding.



Kendra Giardi: I wanted to remind you to tell that Quinn girl not to vaccinate in the hospital. I'm pretty sure those shots made my kids stupid.
Terri Schuester: Oh, I guess I could use the vaccination money to buy the organic crib mattress. I mean, what are the ances of the baby getting polio, right?
Will Schuester: Bye, Kendra.
Kendra Giardi: I hate you, Will!
Terri Schuester: That was rude. Don't take the stress of your workday out on me.
Will Schuester: I don't want to take it out on you, Terri. I just don't want to feel as powerless in my own home as I do at school. And I have to come home and listen to you making major decisions about our son with your sister. I haven't en felt the baby kick yet, and the only time I've ever been to an ob-gyn office was when I took Quinn and Finn for the ten-week ultrasound.
Terri Schuester: You did? How's the baby?
Will Schuester: Fine. It's a girl. But that's not the point.
Terri Schuester: Well, what is the point, Will?
Will Schuester: My point is that I am the father of that baby. And I am coming with you to your next doctor's appointment.



Finn Hudson: Did you have to get him to stop?
Rachel Berry: Let's just say I feel sorry for my dads 'cause they're probably going to have dipped into my college fund to pay for intensive therapy.
Finn Hudson: Oh, hardcore.
Rachel Berry: I don't mind. I did it to protect you.
Finn Hudson: And Quinn.
Rachel Berry: Of course. We're all teammate.
Finn Hudson: Hey, I got to tell you, you really are awesome. I'm gonna make it up to you someday, I swear.
Jacob Ben Israel: I need another pair.
Rachel Berry: What's wrong with the ones I already gave you?
Jacob Ben Israel: Look. Uh, they still had the tag on them.
Rachel Berry: Put those away.
Jacob Ben Israel: I want Rachel Berry panties. Okay, I expect delivery by tomorrow morning or the story of Quinn Fabray and the stork goes wide. I feel an urge to kiss you right now. I'm just going to go for it, okay?
Rachel Berry: No, no, no. You-you-you... stop it.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm ki-kind of nervous.
Artie Abrams: I debated not even showing up.
Mercedes Jones: Well, I think it's gonna be great. Did you catch Sue's corner last night?



Sue Sylvester: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids, I brought some of my brass buddies with me. Thought maybe they could help us out a little bit. Okay, so I selected a song that I think will speak to the frustration you felt under the failed leadership of Will Schuester.
Mercedes Jones: "Hate on me," an R&B song?
Sue Sylvester: You like that? Changster, I want to see some of that pop-and-lock groove you're so famous for. You go to town. And you, Mercedes, I want to see some Mariah hands.
Mercedes Jones: I can do that.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I think we g-g-got this one, Miss Sylvester.
Sue Sylvester: All right, w-we'll see. Hit it!
New Directions: # Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do #
Mercedes Jones: # If I could give you the world on a silver platter #
# Would it even matter, you'd still be mad at me #
# If I could find in all this a dozen roses that I would give to you, #
# You'd still be miserable #
# 'Cause in reality I'm gonna be who I be #
# And I don't feel no faults, for all the lies that you bought #
# You can try as you may, break me down but I say #
# That it ain't up to you. Gonna do what you do. #
# Hate on me, hater now or later, #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby. #
New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #
Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #
# You can hate on me now or later #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby #
New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #
Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #
# Hate on me now or later #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby #
New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #
Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #



Will Schuester: Sue. Hey, Sylvester, I'm talking to you.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, hey, buddy. I thought I smelled failure.
Will Schuester: Why did you take the piano when it was my time up with the kids?
Sue Sylvester: A properly steam-cleaned piano is key to any successful music group.
Will Schuester: You are undermining me in front of these students.
Sue Sylvester: Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.



Will Schuester: Sue, I am not done talking to you. What about all my sheet music? My kids need that music.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Will, the last thing your kids need is chronic sinusitis from the mildew I feared was infesting that old moldy paper.
Will Schuester: Oh, so, what? You sent it away for somtesting?
Sue Sylvester: No. Burned it.
Will Schuester: Oh, that is it, Sue. This ends right here.
Sue Sylvester: A cockfight. Fantastic.
Will Schuester: No. We are here for these students so, whater problems we have with one another, we're going to get them out in the open right now.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, you want to get real? You're right, Will, I have been trying to destroy your club with a conviction I can only call religious. And you want to know why? Because I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.
Will Schuester: Oh, you are a terrible influence on these kids. I think you're dangerous and I think you teach them all the wrong lessons.
Sue Sylvester: I don't care what you think. I have a legacy to protect, William, and glee club is a part of that legacy, and I will win. And if it means I have to get you fired to do it... So be it. Those drinks are crap!



Will Schuester: Oh, thanks, honey. I want to finish grading these papers first.
Terri Schuester: What, you think the kids weren't drunk when they wrote them? Listen, honey.I've been a really crummy wife lately.
Will Schuester: Terri, you're carrying my baby. I have no right to expect anything more than that from you.
Terri Schuester: No. That is my sister's marriage and I don't want it. Anyway, listen.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Schuester: I think that I might be able to help you with your problems at school.
Will Schuester: Uh, thanks, Terri, but the last time you helped out at school, it didn't go over very well. Besides, this is serious. I mean, Sue said she wouldn't rest until she saw me fired.
Terri Schuester: Well, all the more reason. You got to do whatever it takes, honey. You got to get down in the gutter if you want to win this.



Reporter: Sue, a lot of our readers at cheerleading today...
Sue Sylvester: I'm cutting you off. Is this a cover story?
Reporter: Yes.
Sue Sylvester: Okay. This is all your readers need to know. I'm all about empowerment. I empower my cheerio to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror. Speaking of which... Q, here, now! Where are my cheerios?
Quinn Fabray: Coach, they're not academically eligible. Mr. Schuester flunked them.



Sue Sylvester: This is a travesty of international proportions. You are jeopardizing my cheerios' role as goodwill ambassadors. And I have a call in to the president.
Will Schuester: Sue, I have in my hand a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero.
Sue Sylvester: You can't stand it. You can't stand to see a woman in a position of power.
Will Schuester: That has nothing...
Sue Sylvester: Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating, Will, if it weren't so terrifying!
Principal Figgins: Sue. Will did a little research, and according to our test records, most of your cheerleaders are functionally illiterate.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, so what?
Principal Figgins: Why, only last Friday at the football game, they tried to spell out "go, te" and they spelled out... to game.
Will Schuester: To game. Since 1992, 95 percent of your cheerios should have flunked Spanish, and I, for one, am not going to be a part of it anymore.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, Will, we all know about your devotion to that dying language.
Will Schuester: Dying language?
Sue Sylvester: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my cheerios to be champions. Do they go on to college? I don't know. I don't care.
Will Schuester: See...
Sue Sylvester: Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they want to become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round-off.
Will Schuester: She is deranged! You know what? This all happened on your watch. You have allowed this to go on for years.
Sue Sylvester: Say something!
Principal Figgins: Oh, ple... Oh, okay. Sue, Will is correct. You're wrong.
Sue Sylvester: What?
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Principal Figgins: From now on, no free passes. That's it! There!
Will Schuester: See you in glee club, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Don't... touch me. That is a lawsuit, mister. I will sue your ass! What happened to our little agreement, huh? Will I be uploading a certain video to YouTube this afternoon?
Principal Figgins: Anti-embolism stockings can be purchased... Oh, Sue. I put it on YouTube myself. And it only got two hits. Let me break it down for you. Nobody cares! No! Not the children!
Sue Sylvester: Move! Move!



Quinn Fabray: What is this?
Finn Hudson: Check it out. I came up with a name that I think would be good for the kid.
Will Schuester: Eyes on your own test, Finn. What's up now, Ronnie?
Finn Hudson: Anyway, then I read that Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple, and I think that's so cool 'cause you know how much I love apples, right? And so I figured we should name our kid something more original and poetic. Then I came up with the best baby name of all time. Drizzle!
Quinn Fabray: Drizzle?
Finn Hudson: Yeah! Yeah! 'Cause you know how awesome it is when it's just drizzling outside, but it's not really raining, so it smells like rain, but you don't need an umbrella to go outside.
Quinn Fabray: Are you a moron?
Finn Hudson: What?
Quinn Fabray: We're not naming our baby Drizzle. We're not naming our baby anything. Finish your test, Finn. Will you give me my test back?
Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't understand anything.
Quinn Fabray: That's not my problem.



Quinn Fabray: You are so insensitive. Bringing up baby names to me when you know I don't want to keep it. I can't keep it.
Finn Hudson: I know, but I don't get what you expect me to do about it.
Quinn Fabray: Not have an opinion.
Finn Hudson: Hey, this is happening to me, too.
Quinn Fabray: No, it's not. You're not the one whose parents will burn her like a witch if they find out.
Finn Hudson: You know, sometimes I wish you were a little more like Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: Really?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. She cares about my feelings. She sticks up for me. She sticks up for both of us. You know that she gave that Jacob kid a pair of her underpants just to keep him from posting on his blog about you being pregnant?
Quinn Fabray: You think she did that for me? Just to be a good teammate?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. That's what she told me.
Quinn Fabray: I know some guys cheat on their wives or pregnant girlfriends. Just don't do it with her.



New Directions: # Whoo! #
# Hey, oh, Hey Oh! #
# Where they at where they at, #
# Where they at, where they at? #
# Where they at, where they at? #
# Where they at? #
# Come on #
# If you wanna go and take a ride wit me #
# We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's #
# Oh why do I live this way? #
# Hey, must be the money! #
# In the club on the late night, feelin right #
# Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice #
# Lookin for a little shorty I noticed #
# So that I can take home #
# I can take home #
# She can be 18 #
# 18 #
# Wit an attitude #
# Or 19 kinda snotty, actin real rude #
# But as long as you a thicky thicky thick #
# Girl you know that it's on #
# Know that it's on #
# I peep something comin towards me up the dance floor #
# Sexy and real slow #
# Hey #
# Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video #
# So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no? #
# Her measurements were 36-25-34 #
# I like the way you brush your hair #
# And I like those stylish clothes you wear #
# I like the way the light hit the ice and glare #
# And I can see you moving way over there #
Rachel Berry: I miss us all being together.
Artie Abrams: I hope we don't get in trouble for our covert jam session.
Kurt Hummel: If Sue catches us mingling, we're cooked. She told me if I even talked to one of Mr.Schue's kids that she would shave my head. And I just can't rock that look. I mean, even Justin Timberlake is growing his 'fro back.
Mercedes Jones: Well, we got to go, you guys. Miss Sylvester is expecting us in ten minutes in the dance studio.
Artie Abrams: Bye, white people.
Will Schuester: Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Just s-s-stopping by to say hello.
Will Schuester: Oh, it's great to see you guys. All right, great news, guys. Brought the band with me, and I think that we have our number for sectionals.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, we don't like what this has become.
Will Schuester: Don't you guys see? That is how Sue wants you to feel. Giving up doesn't help anyone but her. Look, if it were up to me we would all perform together at sectionals, but it's not up to me anymore, okay? Sue's going to do her song, and we are gonna do ours. Sue's kids are singing about hate, literally. So, I thought we would try a kinder approach. All right, Finn and Rachel, come up here; you're gonna take the leads.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I love this song! Okay, follow my lead.
Finn Hudson: Don't wait for me.
Quinn Fabray: So much for togetherness.
Will Schuester: Guys, you guys really need to practice this, all right? Night and day, between classes, it has to be letter-perfect. Okay?
Finn Hudson: You got it, Mr. S.
Rachel Berry: Of course.
Finn Hudson: Hit it.
Rachel Berry: # Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air #
New Directions: # Oh... Oh... Oh... #
Rachel Berry: # If I should die before I wake, #
New Directions: # It's 'cause you took my breath away #
# Losing you is like #
# Living in a world with no air #
# Oh #
Finn Hudson: # I'm here alone, don't wanna leave #
# My heart won't move; it's incomplete #
# Wish there was a way
# That I can make you understand #
Rachel Berry: # But how #
New Directions: # Do you expect me #
# To live alone with just me #
# 'Cause my world revolves around you #
# It's so hard for me to breathe #
Finn & Rachel: # Now #
New Directions: # Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air #
Rachel Berry: # With no air #
Finn Hudson: # No air #
New Directions: # Can't live, can't breathe with no air #
Rachel Berry: # Whoa, whoa #
Finn Hudson: # No air #
New Directions: # It's how I feel whenever you ain't there #
# It's no air, no air #
Finn Hudson: # No breathing #
Rachel Berry: # No breathing #
New Directions: # Got me out here in the water so deep #
# Tell me how you gonna be without me #
# If you ain't here, I just can't breathe #
Finn Hudson: # Can't be without you, baby #
New Directions: # It's no air, no air #
Rachel Berry: # Breathe, no air #
New Directions: # No air, air - No #
# No air, air - No #
Finn Hudson: # No, hard for me to breathe #
New Directions: # No air, air - No #
# No air, air #
Rachel Berry: # You got me out here in the water so deep #
Finn Hudson: # Tell me how you gonna be without me #
Rachel Berry: # If you ain't here, I just can't breathe #
# It's no air #
Finn & Rachel: # No air #
Will Schuester: Amazing, guys. Bull's-eye.
Quinn Fabray: Excuse me. What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?



Sue Sylvester: Say it for me again. Word for word.
Quinn Fabray: What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?
Sue Sylvester: Perfect. Then turn to the other two and say...



Quinn Fabray: I think Sue was right about him. He clearly doesn't like minorities.



Sue Sylvester: Can you imagine, in this day and age, being discriminated against? My goodness, the pain you must be feeling. So, your last name's Puckerman, huh?
Noah Puckerman: Shalom.
Sue Sylvester: Who knew? And poor, sweet Brittany. Oh, I know the Dutch are famous for being a cold people, but that's no excuse for eating you like some half-price hooker in Amsterdam's famous red light district. Well, all I can say is if you're serious about leaving Schuester, Sue Sylvester's rainbow tent will gladly protect you from his storm of racism.



Will Schuester: Hey, babe, you home? Hey, what's for dinner?
Terri Schuester: Oh... why don't you get something from takeout?
Will Schuester: Hey, listen, I don't expect you start cooking, but on nights when you're home first, I think it's appropriate for you to take care of dinner.
Terri Schuester: Wow, you're so forceful. What's gotten into you?
Will Schuester: You. You were right. I stood up to Sue, and now she is begging me for mercy. Oh, I feel great! And I have you to thank for it.
Terri Schuester: I have my moments, huh?
Will Schuester: You're going to have another one this Friday at 4:00. I made an appointment for us with Dr. Wu.
Terri Schuester: My obstetrician?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Terri Schuester: Oh.
Will Schuester: I'm finally going to get a look at my little boy. Hey, pick whatever you want for dinner. Just not Chinese again.



Will Schuester: Who do you think you are?
Sue Sylvester: Well, now you know how it felt for me to have my cheerios snatched away.
Will Schuester: I can't do a song with three kids!
Sue Sylvester: Not with that attitude. Look, I'm prepared to cut you a deal. You pass my cheerios, and I'll give you back your team of losers and snot-faucets.
Will Schuester: Sue Sylvester, you're going to have to pry those "f"s from my cold, dead hands.
Sue Sylvester: Can't wait, pal!



Dr. Wu: My job is very stressful. After dentists, obstetricians have the highest rate of suicide among medical professionals. Caring for my bonsai relaxes me.
Terri Schuester: I had a huge crush on the karate kid when I was a teenager.
Kendra Giardi: Can we cut the crap?
Dr. Wu: I guess I'm a little curious as to what you ladies want from me. Neither of you are pregnant.
Kendra Giardi: Well, Wu, you delivered all three of my kids. Each one is dumber than the last. Plus, they all have add and although my husband nor I have red hair, they are all creepy ginger kids.
Dr. Wu: It's caused by a recessive gene.
Kendra Giardi: That's one theory. Do you wanna hear mine? You gave me too much pitocin when I was in labor, and it screwed up their dna.
Dr. Wu: That's not a theory. You just made that up. Mrs. Schuester, is your sister on some kind of new psychotropic medication?
Terri Schuester: Not that I know of.
Kendra Giardi: That's offensive.
Terri Schuester: Are you all right?
Kendra Giardi: Here's the deal, Wu. My husband does the taxes for some very powerful mid-sized law firms in this town. And I'm sure somebody would be more than happy to take on my lawsuit.
Dr. Wu: You'll never win.
Kendra Giardi: I don't have to win. There's only twobs in this town. You get even the slightest stink on you, and you can bet that a bunch of your patients will just close on up their legs . And walk on over to Dr. Chin.
Dr. Wu: Okay, this is outrageous. What do you want?



Quinn Fabray: Listen here, treasure-trail, we're about to have a smackdown.
Rachel Berry: I don't want to have a confrontation.
Quinn Fabray: Don't play stupid with me, stubbles. I'm having Finn's baby and you need to back off. I'm asking you as nicely as I possibly can. Leave him alone.
Rachel Berry: You're right. I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do, but because I had romantic ulterior motives. But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating.
Quinn Fabray: Excuse me?
Rachel Berry: I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's mole. And you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true.
Quinn Fabray: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Rachel Berry: Sue's not on your side, Quinn. She's not on anyone's side but her own. Can you imagine what she's gonna do once she finds out about your situation? She'll probably try to rip off your uniform with her bare hands. Every time you whisper in her ear, you empower her to do more damage to the glee club. And right now, glee club is all you have, and if I were you, I'd recognize who my true friends are. Oh, and I'd practice a little bit more. Because you obviously have a lot you need to express.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, you have no idea.
# Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Get out my life, why don't you, baby? #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on #
Cheerios: # Ohh ohh #
Quinn Fabray: # You don't really need me #
# But you keep me hanging on #
# Why do you keep on comin' around #
# Playing with my heart? #
# Why don't you get out of my life #
# And let me make a new start? #
# Let me get over you #
# The way you've gotten over me #
# Hey #
# Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Let me be, why don't you, baby? #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on #
Cheerios: # Ohh ohh #
Quinn Fabray: # No you don't really want me #
# You just keep me hanging on #
# You say though we broke up #
# You still wanna be just friends #
# But how can we still be friends #
# When seeing you only breaks my heart again? #
# And there ain't nothing I can do about it #
Cheerios: # Whoa whoa whoa #
Quinn Fabray: # Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Get out my life, why don't you, baby? #
# Go on, get out, get out of my life #
# And let me sleep at night, please #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on, on, on, on... #
All right, everybody, take five.



Rachel Berry: We would just like to say that although we find ourselves on opposite sides, we hope you enjoy our number and we look forward to seeing yours...
Sue Sylvester: Get on with it! Enough with the jibba-jabba! Sing something!
Will Schuester: Sue, you can't talk to kids that way.
Rachel Berry: Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Sue Sylvester: All right, that's it. Come on. She had her chance. Everybody up! We're leaving.
Finn Hudson: I'm sorry. Is there a fire?
Sue Sylvester: No, and that's the point, there is no fire. You know, it's sad enough that my "Sues・kids" are living in squalor and probably on food stamps.
Mercedes Jones: My dad's a dentist.
Sue Sylvester: But for you to drag them in here and bore them to death, I won't stand for it. Come on, kids, out. We're going for conies, my treat.
Will Schuester: All right, that's it!
Sue Sylvester: Really?
Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? You've been pretty honest about your feelings for me, so let me return the favor. You're rude, Sue. You have no class, and you are a Terrible teacher!
Sue Sylvester: I'll have you know I have my PhD.
Will Schuester: You got it online, Sue!
Sue Sylvester: You are a failed performer, Will! You weren't good enough to make it in the real world. You're not even good enough to run this stupid little club that nobody cares about. Time after time, Will, you fail!
Will Schuester: You spend every waking moment of your life figuring out ways to Terrify children to try to make you feel better about yourself, and the fact that you're probably gonna spend the rest of your life alone!
Sue Sylvester: How dare you to talk to me like that!
Will Schuester: Don't you even go...
Sue Sylvester: Don't you point your...
Finn Hudson: Enough! I'm sorry Mr. Schue, Ms. Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear mom and dad fight, those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday.
Mercedes Jones: I agree. Glee club is supposed to be fun. And furthermore, I don't like this minority business. I may be a strong, proud black woman, but I'm a lot more than that. I'm out.
Tina Cohen-Chang: M-me, too.
Rachel Berry: Fellow glee clubbers, it would be an honor to show you how a real storm-out is done. I encourage you to follow my lead.



Will Schuester: Is that necessary? It's nothing I haven't seen before. I mean, I am the one who knocked her up.
Dr. Wu: Just standard operating procedure. You okay, Mr. Schuester? You seem upset.
Will Schuester: Just, just a little stressed. Bad day at work.
Terri Schuester: Will, you're about to see your child for the first time. Can you forget about those dancing delinquents for one minute?
Will Schuester: You're right. I'm sorry. Oh, my parents are gonna kill me if I don't come home with the DVD.
Dr. Wu: Got it right here.
Will Schuester: All right!
Dr. Wu: The gel. Oh!
Will Schuester: You okay?
Dr. Wu: Ooh, that must be cold.
Terri Schuester: It's really...
Dr. Wu: Sorry about that.
Terri Schuester: Yeah, it's a little cold.
Will Schuester: Wow! That's him!
Dr. Wu: Oh, hold on a sec.
Will Schuester: What? Is something wrong with him?
Dr. Wu: Well, not exactly. This is really embarrassing, but it appears as if your boy is a girl.
Will Schuester: Oh, my god! Did something happen to his... ?
Dr. Wu: No, he never had one. He's a she. Must have misread the first sonogram. Sorry about that.
Terri Schuester: Honey, I didn't know that having a boy was so important to you.
Will Schuester: It isn't. I don't care what she is. She's all ours. I'm just so... happy.
Terri Schuester: No matter whatappens, I want you to remember at this moment, that we love each other, okay?



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: William, close the door.
Will Schuester: I, uh, wanted to talk to you about the auditorium.
Sue Sylvester: Good. I wanted to come to you, too, but I have no idea where your office is. Why don't you have a seat.
Will Schuester: Sure.
Sue Sylvester: So, I decided to step down as co-head of glee.
Will Schuester: Really?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, it's not for me. It's too fruity. I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion.
Will Schuester: Yeah, it did get pretty bad in there.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, yeah. I'd still like to stay on as consigliore. You know, maybe you could show me your setlists before competitions. Just so I can feel like I'm contributing.
Will Schuester: Cool.
Sue Sylvester: You know I was a veejay for a couple of years. Not MTV, but still.
Will Schuester: Why do I feel like I'm about to fall through a trapdoor into a pit of fire?
Sue Sylvester: Because you don't trust me. I know my methods are extreme. And I know I'm not like the rest of you hippies, caring about the kids' feelings as if they're real, but I do care about teaching. And when I coach them, and they win... I win. And you know how I feel about winning.
Will Schuester: I do. Look, who's to say everything I do is 100% on the ball?
Sue Sylvester: No one would say that.
Will Schuester: Probably right. But, um, in hindsight... You were right to shine the spotlight on the fact that those kids are minorities.



Will Schuester: Because you're all minorities. You are in the glee club. Now there are only 12 of you, and all you have is each other. So it doesn't matter that Rachel is Jewish, or that Finn is...
Finn Hudson: Unable to tell my rights from my lefts.
Will Schuester: Sure. Or that Santana is Latina, or that Quinn is...
Sue Sylvester: ... Pregnant. Sorry, Q. It'll be all over the blogosphere by this afternoon. Now everybody knows. Including me.



Rachel Berry: How could you do that? Do you have any idea how much pain you caused by running that story?
Jacob Ben Israel: Sue made me do it.



Sue Sylvester: This was a particularly interesting find from today's round of locker checks. Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an "Eve" who was born a "Steve"? Because if you are, I think there's a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand.
Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel gave them to me so I wouldn't run the Quinn story.
Sue Sylvester: What Quinn story?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quinn Fabray's pregnant.
Sue Sylvester: Not a chance. If my head cheerleader was pregnant, jeopardizing the very future of my cheerios and thus my teaching tenure, I think she would have come to me. Quinn Fabray repects me, would never lie to me, never.
Jacob Ben Israel: I have three sources confirming. Please don't expel me. I'll kill the story.
Sue Sylvester: No. Run it.



Jacob Ben Israel: I'm sorry, Rachel.
Finn Hudson: It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.



Rachel Berry: # You're not alone #
# Together we stand #
# I'll be by your side, you know #
# I'll take your hand #
Finn Hudson: When it gets cold #
# And it feels like the end #
# There's no place to go #
# You know I won't give in #
New Directions: # Ah... ah... #
Finn & Rachel: # No I won't give in #
New Directions: # Ah... ah... #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Keep holding on #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause you know we'll make it through, #
Finn & Rachel: # We'll make it through #
New Directions: # Just stay strong #
Rachel Berry: # 'Cause you know I'm here for you, #
New Directions: # I'm here for you #
# There's nothing you could say #
# Nothing you could do #
# There's no other way when it comes to the truth #
# So, keep holding on #
# 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through #
Finn & Rachel: # Hear me when I say, when I say I believe #
# Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny #
# Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly #
New Directions: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# La da da da #
# La da da da #
# La da da da da da da da da... #
New Directions: # Keep holding on #
# 'Cause you know we'll make it through, #
# We'll make it through #
# Keep holding on #
# Keep holding on #
# There's nothing you could say #
# Nothing you could do #
# There's no other way when it comes to the truth #
# So, keep holding on #
# 'Cause, you know, we'll make it through, #
# We'll make it through #
外部リンク
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 Wikipedia
 Glee Wiki

108. Mash-Up

放送日:2009年10月21日


Mercedes Jones: My weave!
Finn Hudson: What the hell, Karofsky?
Dave Karofsky: Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade... when you made fun of me for getting pubes. Now that you've joined Lullaby Lee's and insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball... and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain? It's open season.
Quinn Fabray: Screw you, Karofsky! You and your Neanderthal puck-heads are nothing!
Finn Hudson: You're gonna pay for this, dude!
Dave Karofsky: No, I'm not. You two don't have the juice anymore. Welcome to the new world order.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys.
Ken Tanaka: We need to talk.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Ken Tanaka: As you know, even though she refuses to wear the ring and won't tell anyone... including her mother... about the engagement, Emma and I are, in fact, getting married.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. Ken convinced me we need to at least be in the same room when the marriage is certified.
Ken Tanaka: What can I say? I'm a traditionalist. We're going to Hawaii and getting married on the beach.
Will Schuester: And you want me to come?
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, no. I picked Hawaii, because it's far away from everybody we know.
Will Schuester: Oh!...
Emma Pillsbury: Uh, the thing is... is that after a very brief, private ceremony... Ken has decided he would like to have a first dance.
Ken Tanaka: The problem is, we can't decide on the song.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. I would like to have "I Could've Danced All Night."
Will Schuester: Oh, from My Fair Lady. Great choice. Such a romantic song.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes.
Ken Tanaka: Yeah, if you're making a mixed tape for the boring parade. I want the "Thong Song." I need something I can shake my moneymaker to.
Will Schuester: Um...
Emma Pillsbury: Uh, I was remembering, um, that you did those, uh... mash-up things with the Glee kids, right?
Will Schuester: Uh-huh.
Emma Pillsbury: So I thought maybe you could find a way to use both of our songs. Um, and I... well, we... both need... want... need dance lessons.
Ken Tanaka: Yeah, l... l... I mean, I might need a bit of polishing... but it's the Emster here you really have to work with. Had a monster case of athlete's foot a couple years back. Had to get all my toenails removed. So if she steps on my feet during the dance, I might pass out.
Emma Pillsbury: We would, uh, be very happy to pay you for your time, Will.
Will Schuester: No. No, I want to give you these lessons as a wedding gift. Sound good?
Emma Pillsbury: Great.



Quinn Fabray: This is a disaster. Our reputation as McKinley High's "it" couple is in serious jeopardy... if we don't find some way to be cool again, Finn.
Kurt Hummel: The Slushee war has commenced.
Mercedes Jones: And if Finn and Quinn got nailed, none of us are safe.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys. We're a little behind for sectionals... thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour. But you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up. Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great. Like... chocolate and bacon.
Finn Hudson: Or Glee Club and football.
Will Schuester: Exactly. But you've proven that it isa great combination. So here is... my personal favorite song. here is... my personal favorite song. And your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it.
Kurt Hummel: Bust a move..
Santana Lopez: Yeah, this song is old school.
Will Schuester: All right. Um, Artie.
Artie Abrams: Yeah?
Will Schuester: Try to follow along on the bass. Finn, take us through it.
Finn Hudson: Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. I got corn syrup in my eye.
Will Schuester: Okay. Uh, Puck. How about it?
Noah Puckerman: I don't really groove on Young MC.
Rachel Berry: I am shocked at the lack of leading-man ambition in this room right now.
Will Schuester: It's okay, Rachel. I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done. Bust it!
# this here's a tale for all the fellas #
# trying to do what those ladies tell us #
# get shot down 'cause you're overzealous? #
# play hard to get, females get jealous #
# okay, smarty, go to a party #
# girls are scantily clad and show a body #
# a chick walks by, you wish you could sex her #
# but you're standing on the wall like you was poindexter #
# movie show and so you're going #
# could care less about the five you're blowin' #
Girls of ND: # uh #
Will Schuester: # theater gets dark just to start the show #
# and then you spot a fine woman sitting in your row #
Girls of ND: # uh #
Will Schuester: # she's dressed in yellow, she says, "hello" #
# "come sit next to me, you fine fellow" #
Girls of ND: # uh #
Will Schuester: # you run over there without a second to lose #
# and what comes next? Hey, bust a move #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Will Schuester: # your best friend harry has a brother larry #
# in five days from now, he's gonna marry #
# he's hoping you can make it there if you can #
# 'cause in the ceremony, you'll be the best man #
# you say "neato," check your libido #
# and roll to the church in your new tuxedo #
# the bride walks down just to start the wedding #
# and there's one more girl you won't be getting #
# so you start thinking, then you start blinking #
# a bridesmaid looks and thinks that you're winking #
# she think you're kinda cute, so she winks back #
# and then you're feeling really fine #
# 'cause the girl is stacked #
# reception's jumpin', bass is pumpin' #
# look at the girl and your heart starts thumpin' #
# says she wants to dance to a different groove #
# now you know what to do, g, bust a move #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Will Schuester: # move it, boy #
Girls of ND: # uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, babe, uh #
# uh, yeah, uh, huh-uh, babe, uh-uh, babe #
# uh, uh, hey, yeah #
Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #



Emma Pillsbury: So, how can I, uh... how can I help you kids? Is it, uh, too many friends on MySpace, or...
Quinn Fabray: I can't believe we're saying this... but we need some advice on how to be cool.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you must have picked up some ideas... about what cool people do from watching them over the years. Not that you were never cool yourself.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah... Eh... Well... Um... But, um, you're two of... the most popular kids in school.
Quinn Fabray: We were... until we joined Glee Club. That's why he got a Slushee facial. I'm sure of it.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. I see. Um, don't really have any... pamphlets on how to be popular. Uh, okay, right. Well, let's talk about this. Why is it so important for you to be cool? Huh? Don't you like being in Glee? It's fun.
Quinn Fabray: Status is like currency. When your bank account is full... you can get away with doing just about anything. But right now, we're like toxic assets. When my mom applied to college... she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity. And she got into Arizona State.
Emma Pillsbury: Sunglasses are so sexy. Sunglasses. Yeah, sunglasses are, um, really, really cool. I'm always seeing celebrities wear them... in magazines, even at night. Doesn't need to be day. Very popular. Gives you a sense of mystery. You know... rappers.
Finn Hudson: Totally. You can't see their eyes, so they have all the power. I could be looking at your boobs, and you'd have no idea.
Quinn Fabray: Oh!...
Emma Pillsbury: It... Em... No. Um, no. Kids, look. The most important thing is that you be yourselves. Okay? And if people don't like you for that, then I'm sorry, but who needs 'em.



Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: This is my Cousin Betty's. We were obsessed with Princess Di's dress when we were little girls... so, um, when she got married she insisted on having... this, uh... this long train.
Will Schuester: Is there a reason you... have it on now?
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, yes.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Um, she didn't wear it to her dance rehearsals... and the night of the wedding her husband kept stepping on the train. It was really bad. Their fight was epic. The priest cried. They were divorced three months later. Actually, maybe I shouldn't wear it.
Will Schuester: No, no, no, no, no! It's all good. It's all good. We'll, uh... We'll see how you move in it. Right?
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay. Um, so first, uh, let's do Ken's selection... and then, uh, we'll work in your song for the big finish.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: All right? Hey, Emma... I'm really excited about this.
Emma Pillsbury: Fantastic. It's... so, so exciting.
Will Schuester: # This thing right here... #
# Is letting all the ladies know... #
# What guys talk about. #
# You know, the finer things in life. #
# check it out. #
# ooh, that dress so scandalous #
# and you know another guy couldn't handle it #
# she's shaking that thing, like, "who's the ish?" #
# with a look in your eye so devilish, uh #
# she like to dance at the hip-hop spots #
# and she cruise to the crews like connect the dots #
# not just urban, she likes to pop #
# 'cause she was living la vida loca #
# she had dumps like a truck, truck-truck #
# thighs like what, what-what? #
# baby, move you butt, butt-butt #
# uh, I think I'll sing it again #
# she had dumps like a truck, truck-truck #
# thighs like what, what-what? #
# all night long #
# let me see that thong #
# baby! #
# that thong, th-thong, thong, thong #
# I like it when the beat goes... #
# baby, make your booty go... #
Emma Pillsbury: Oh!..
Will Schuester: Good God!
Emma Pillsbury: Are you okay?
Will Schuester: I'm okay. Are you?
Emma Pillsbury: It's the darn "Thong Song."
Will Schuester: I don't think it's the song. I think you need a new dress. Come on. I'll pick you up. Right. Upsy-daisy.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, I'm stuck.



Finn Hudson: All right. Let's try, uh, reverse chair on two.
Azimio Adams: Let's not.
Finn Hudson: Hey, Azimio, I'm the quarterback. I call the plays.
Azimio Adams: Some of the guys was talkin' , and we're starting to question your leadership ability.
Football Player: Yeah, like maybe you're having trouble making good choices... as in, for instance, choosing to join homo explosion.
Finn Hudson: Do I need to remind you that Glee Club helped us win our first game of the season?
Azimio Adams: What have you done for me lately?
Football Player: Yeah, we're taking a bunch of heat, because you like kissing dudes all of a sudden. You're not being a team player, man.
Azimio Adams: Can't believe you was man enough to knock up Quinn Fabray. You sure a real man didn't sneak in there and do it for you?
Finn Hudson: That's it!
Football Players: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
Ken Tanaka: Okay, break it up! Get up! Man, get off me! Hey, calm down, everybody! On the sidelines and take a knee! Now! What if you had broken Finn's arm, huh? We'd be worse off and more pathetic than we already are. Where's Puckerman?
Finn Hudson: Uh, he said he had to miss practice today. He's working on something for Glee Club.
Azimio Adams: Is he workin' on his coming-out-of-the-closet speech or somethin'? Hey, man! Don't push me, man!
Ken Tanaka: Okay, enough! Football is war. And no one single man can win that war, not even if they strap nukes on him. I want you to start acting like a team again! When we won that one game, it wasn't because we were dancing. It's because we were of singular purpose. I want you to start hanging more, spend more time together. Which is why, starting next week... I'm adding extra practice on Thursdays at 3: 30.
Finn Hudson: But, Coach, that's when Glee rehearses.
Ken Tanaka: And you tell Puckerman this when you see him. That practice is mandatory. No exceptions. So you're going to have to choose what's more important to you... football or Glee Club.



Rachel Berry: # what a girl wants, what a girl needs #
# whatever makes me happy, sets you free #
# and I'm thanking you for knowing exactly #
# what a girl wants, what a girl needs #
# whatever keeps me in your arms... #
Noah Puckerman: I know this looks weird. But wait until you see what happens next.
My ears are starting to hurt. Can we take a break?
Rachel Berry: Okay.
Noah Puckerman: You wanna make out?
Rachel Berry: Sure.
Noah Puckerman: I know. It's whack. But I also remember what my history teacher told us last semester: Only Nixon can go to China. I have no idea what she meant, but it reminded me of when my family ordered Chinese food... and sat down together for our traditional... Simchas Torah screening of Schindler's List. That's really when all of this started. It wasn't the most normal tradition... but we did it for my mom. She said it made her feel connected to her Jewish roots. As she was giving me my sweet-and-sour pork... she said something that really hit home.
Mrs. Puckerman: You're no better than them, Noah. Why can't you date a Jewish girl?
Noah Puckerman: That night, I had the strangest dream. I knew it was a dream, because there's no way Rachel could've climbed up the wall... outside my window with no shoes on. When I woke up, I knew it was more than a dream. It was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.



Noah Puckerman: I picked it up for you when I was buying dip. It's grape. I know that's your favorite, because the last time I tossed a grape one in your face... you licked your lips before you cleaned yourself off. Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to work together on some mash-up ideas.



Noah Puckerman: Things happened pretty fast from that point. Getting her to make out with me was easier than I thought. Guess she's kind of desperate.
Finn Hudson: You okay, baby?
Rachel Berry: I can't do this.
Noah Puckerman: Why? We're a couple of good-lookin' Jews. It's natural.
Rachel Berry: I... I can't give myself to someone who isn't... brave enough to sing a solo. If you don't have the guts to do that, then how are you gonna be bold enough to deal... with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high-maintenance girl like me?
Noah Puckerman: Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?
Rachel Berry: Noah, I'm sorry, but... Your arms are lovely, but... I just don't see us working out.



Will Schuester: So... any ideas for the mash-up? Anybody?
New Directions: No.
Will Schuester: Oh, come on, guys! It's like you're daring me to start dancing.
New Directions: Oh! No.
Noah Puckerman: I've been working on something.
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah?
Noah Puckerman: It's my personal tribute to a musical Jewish icon
Will Schuester: Uh, fantastic. Let's hear it.
Noah Puckerman: # where it began #
# I can't begin to knowin' #
# but then I know it's growin' strong #
# was in the spring #
# and spring became summer #
# who'd have believed you'd come along? #
# hands #
# touching hands #
# reaching out #
# touching me #
# touching you #
# oh #
# sweet caroline #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Noah Puckerman: # good times never seemed so good #
# I've been inclined #
# ba, ba, ba #
# to believe they never would #
# oh #
# sweet caroline #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Noah Puckerman: # good times never seemed so good #
# oh, I've been inclined #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Noah Puckerman: # to believe they never would #
# oh, no, no. #
New Directions: Puckerman! Yeah!



Finn Hudson: Huh! You know, I really think this is working. I think we look super cool.
Quinn Fabray: I'm proud of you, Finn. I'm proud of us.
Finn Hudson: ..Yeah. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be popular. It just means you want people to like you. I think that's healthy.
Quinn Fabray: I totally agree.
Finn Hudson: Being popular just means you can have it all. Oh, hey, guys.
Azimio Adams: You thirsty?
Finn Hudson: Sure. Thanks. You can't do this!
Azimio Adams: Oh, you think that's bad? Just imagine what's gonna happen if you don't show up to practice on Thursday... and quit that little Glee Club for good! Bros before hi-hos, dude. Don't forget that.



Sue Sylvester: I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage." Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So "woof" on Prop 15, Ohio. And that's how Sue sees it. Oh, Rod.
Rod Remington: Boffo, Sue. And we'll be right back after this.
Sue Sylvester: You still smell like scotch, Rod.
Rod Remington: You know, Sue, there's a lot of pressure being a local celebrity. Most women find me intimidating. The teeth, the hair... It's a lot to take in, and I know it. I need a gal with a little backbone. And I think you just might be that gal.
Sue Sylvester: Don't you have a wife, Rod?
Rod Remington: She drowned. So now I've got the condo all to myself. Maybe we could go out sometime, have a little fondue.
Sue Sylvester: Sure. Okay. Bread, cheese... Oh, fantastic.
Rod Remington: I'll call you.



Will Schuester: Sue... Whoo! That was amazing. Oh! You know, I have to admit... At first when you suggestif that I teach you a few steps... I was hesitant. You know, 'cause how horrible you were to me and the Glee kids... when Figgins made you co director.
Sue Sylvester: Well, live and let learn, my friend.
Will Schuester: That is ultimately what I got to. It's nice not being at each other's throats.
Sue Sylvester: You know, you're right. I... Oh, gosh. I don't know how else to say this, but I'm in love.
Will Schuester: Really?
Sue Sylvester: After one date, Sue Sylvester is in love.



Rod Remington: E9
Sue Sylvester: You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.
Rod Remington: You know, Sue, I like to swing.
Sue Sylvester: I could be good with that.



Sue Sylvester: Rod has invited me to the Second Annual Allen County Sickle-cell Anemia Dance-a-thon. And with your tutelage, Will... we can take home that blue ribbon like two prize heifers in love.
Will Schuester: I was wondering why you asked for dance lessons.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, well, Erma just raved about you.
Will Schuester: Sue, I'm... I'm actually touched. I mean, you seem so happy and... nice. And you've been so cool with Quinn Fabray and her, you know, situation.
Sue Sylvester: Mmm, yeah, well, she's just a confused kid... and the least I can offer her is my compassion. But, you, mister...
Will Schuester: Aw...
Sue Sylvester: ... The Sue Sylvester who has been obsessed... with sabotaging your every move is now just a distant memory.
Will Schuester: That's great, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Now all I feel for you is sympathy. Whether it be for your sham of a marriage... or the fact that Coach Tanaka's finally laying down the law with regard to Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. Tanaka-san's making the kids choose. Come on. Let's be honest. What kid's gonna choose Glee Club over football? It'd be ridiculous.



Will Schuester: Hey, Ken, you wanna tell me what the hell's goin' on? You know I had a standing Glee rehearsal on Thursday. We sat down and worked out a Schedule when some of your guys joined the club.
Ken Tanaka: Circumstances have changed. I have a serious morale issue with my team. It's my responsibility to fix it. Sorry if me doing my job interferes with your club.
Will Schuester: Ken, we've known each other for years. Your commitment to football is about as long as your pants. You know, let's get into what this is really about. You're upset that I don't like your song for your wedding mash-up. And you're right. It's not my place to have an opinion.
Ken Tanaka: Why don't you just cut the crap, Will? You're not that naive. This is not about a song. It's about my fiancée. You and I, the whole world, know that I'm just a consolation prize to you. How do you think that makes me feel?
Will Schuester: Emma's totally into you.
Ken Tanaka: Emma is settling for me. And I love her so much, I don't care. But it doesn't mean I appreciate you comin' in with your Gene Kelly charm... and gettin' high off of her fawning over you.
Will Schuester: I... I have never intentionally encouraged Emma... But I haven't discouraged her either. You don't have to worry about it anymore though. So, are we cool? And I'll have my guys on Thursday again? 3: 30?
Ken Tanaka: So you keep your rehearsal. I'll keep my practice. We'll let the kids decide who's first choice... and who's a consolation prize.



Rachel Berry: ..making Tommy Tune the first to win Tony gold in four categories.
Noah Puckerman: Totally interesting. You know, you never told me what you thought of my mash-up solo.
Rachel Berry: You're still missing the elusive high "B." That's a brass ring for a baritenor. I had to work on it for weeks with Finn before he got it. You're a great performer, Noah. I just wanna say how proud I am to have you on my arm in front of the whole high school.



Noah Puckerman: You're pretty good at this.
Rachel Berry: I've had a lot of practice. You're actually a lot luckier than me and Quinn. Your head is shaved.
Noah Puckerman: I'm really sorry I ever did this to you.
Rachel Berry: It's okay.
Noah Puckerman: No, it isn't. No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes... or the way the Slushee drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Rachel... I'm sorry, but today when the clock chimes 3:30...
Rachel Berry: You're choosing football over Glee, which means we probably can't be together anymore.
Noah Puckerman: Yes. Damn, I feel like such a bad Jew.



Will Schuester: Are you ready yet? We've only got an hour for lunch, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: It's not like trying on a pair of jeans, Will.
Will Schuester: Well, it doesn't have to be perfect. We just have to see if you can dance in it.
Emma Pillsbury: Fits okay?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Fits great.
Emma Pillsbury: Terrific.
Will Schuester: Yeah, terrific. Uh, so, should we see if you can dance in it? Okay. This is the instrumental version of your wedding song. You can sing along if you want to. It'll help your footwork.
Emma Pillsbury: # I could have danced all night #
# I could have danced all night #
# and still have begged #
# for more #
# I could have spread my wings #
# and done a thousand things #
# I've never done #
# before #
# I'll never know what made it so #
# exciting #
# why all at once my heart #
# took flight #
# I only know #
# when he began to dance with me #
# I could have danced #
# danced, danced... #
# all night. #
Will Schuester: Yeah, you can dance in it. So, I gotta get goin' . Um... Got the big showdown today at 3: 30. and, uh... I wanna make sure I'm there to support the kids, no matter what happens
Emma Pillsbury: Wait, what showdown? I thought... I thought you and Sue had that last week.
Will Schuester: Eh... Between me and your fiancé. Uh, Ken's told all the football players in Glee... that they have to choose between the club and the team. And unless all the guys choose Glee... it looks like we won't have enough members for sectionals.
Emma Pillsbury: Then Glee is over.
Will Schuester: I know. Well, wish me luck.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I guess they're not coming. I'm really sorry, guys.
Mercedes Jones: I can't believe this. I thought they were our friends. How can they just abandon us?
Santana Lopez: Hi. I'm glad you made it.
Mike Chang: Hi.
Brittany S. Pierce: You scared me.
Will Schuester: Good to see you, huh?
Rachel Berry: Are you... sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a Slushee in your face every day.
Noah Puckerman: Bring it.
Artie Abrams: Where's Finn?



Football Player: Hey, fella... You made the right decision.
Finn Hudson: Hey, man... What's up, dude?
Ken Tanaka: Okay, let's huddle up.



Kurt Hummel: Do it.
Finn Hudson: I really don't want to, honestly. I know how picky you are about what products you use on your face.
Kurt Hummel: But you've been getting so much pressure from the gorillas on the football team. I guess they didn't appreciate me resigning from the team and choosing Glee.
Finn Hudson: Probably would have went over better if you didn't announce it in the showers.
Mercedes Jones: You are not gonna Slushee on my man Kurt.
Rachel Berry: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore.
Finn Hudson: No, that's not true. It's just that if I don't do it... the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me.
Kurt Hummel: Well, we can't have that, can we?
Finn Hudson: What are you doin'?
Kurt Hummel: It's called taking one for the team. Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not... any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you. Someone get me to a day-spa stat!



Andrea Carmichael: Ooh, hey, hey, hey.
Rod Remington: Oh. Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Rod... Andrea.
Rod Remington: Uh, you aren't scheduled to tape another "Sue's Corner" until... tomorrow night.
Sue Sylvester: I came by special to show you my zoot suit. I had it made for our dance competition.
Rod Remington: But, uh, only the men wear those.
Sue Sylvester: Further embarrassed.
Andrea Carmichael: You're taking her?
Rod Remington: Not now, Andrea.
Andrea Carmichael: He took me last year. We came in third.
Rod Remington: You didn't think that... we were... exclusive, did you?
Sue Sylvester: It's the only way I do it, Rod.
Rod Remington: I can't be caged in, Sue. That's why I got my tiger tattoo. Heck, even my wife understood that. Are we still on for Saturday night?
Sue Sylvester: No.



Football Players: Hut!
Rachel Berry: You miss it?
Noah Puckerman: Hell, no.
Football Players: Set, hut!
Rachel Berry: I hope you didn't choose Glee over football because of me.
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Rachel Berry: Because I don't think this relationship is gonna work out.
Noah Puckerman: It's cool. I was gonna break up with you anyway.
Rachel Berry: No, you weren't.
Noah Puckerman: Yes, I was. You won't even let me touch your boobs. It's Finn, right? He's never gonna leave Quinn. Not with that baby in her belly.
Rachel Berry: You like her, don't you? I can see you staring at her when I'm staring at Finn. Is that why you joined Glee? To be closer to her?
Noah Puckerman: Like I said, they're never breaking up. God, what's the matter with me? I'm a stud, and I can't even hold on to a chick like you? No offense. Why don't girls like me?
Rachel Berry: 'Cause you're kind of a jerk. No offense. I just think you want it too much. Which is something I can relate to. I want everything too much. Our relationship was built on a fantasy. Like every other one in my life. I think I just agreed to us being together because I thought it would make Finn jealous. I just hope we can still be friends.
Noah Puckerman: We weren't friends before.



Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, wanna have a catch?
Finn Hudson: Sure.
Will Schuester: Go long.
Finn Hudson: I'm not comin' back.
Will Schuester: These are the moments, Finn. They're the crossroads. They're the ones you look back at when you get old and think "what if?"
Finn Hudson: I don't buy that. I don't think any one decision makes your life... unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or somethin' .
Will Schuester: No. You're right. Life's a series of choices. Big combination of moments... little ones that add up to big ones... that create who you are. You're lettin' other people make those choices for you, Finn. You're letting them decide who you're gonna be. People you're not even gonna know in three years. People whose names you're gonna forget... when you run into them in the hardware store.
Finn Hudson: You don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.
Will Schuester: Yes, I do. Because of all the students I've ever had, you remind me the most of me. Come back to Glee, Finn. It's where you belong.



Finn Hudson: Hey, Coach. Can I talk to you about somethin'?
Ken Tanaka: You got an itch down there or somethin'?
Finn Hudson: What? No. Uh... I'm the quarterback, right? The leader.
Ken Tanaka: Sure.
Finn Hudson: Well, all this stuff about having to choose between Glee and football... is making it hard for me to lead. Leaders are supposed to see things that other guys don't. Right? Like they can imagine a future where things are better. Like Thomas Jefferson or that kid from the Terminator movies. I see a future where it's cool to be in Glee Club. Where you can play football and sing and dance and no one gets down on you for it. Where the more different you are the better. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is... I don't wanna have to choose between them anymore. It's not cool.
Ken Tanaka: Hey, about that Thursday practice. It's, uh, canceled indefinitely. I got... stuff I gotta do that time. Laundry, things like that.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Sweet.
Ken Tanaka: Finn. Tell Puckerman and the other guys too, will you?
Finn Hudson: Sure. Thanks, Coach.



Sue Sylvester: Schuester!
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Sue Sylvester: I'll need to see that set list for sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5: 00 p.m. And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night I will steal a way into your home... and punch you in the face.
Will Schuester: Hey, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: What?
Will Schuester: Didn't work out with Rod?
Sue Sylvester: No, it did not.
Sue Sylvester: Q. take off those sunglasses. I wanna look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business. You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.



Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: I wanted to talk to you about your wedding mash-up. I've been workin' really hard on it and... I just can't get those two songs to go together.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. That's because they don't. We both know that. They're both good songs though.
Will Schuester: Great ones.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, um, I just wanted to say, uh... Thank you... for the dance lessons.



Finn Hudson: So, what do you think about my welcome back gift to the club, huh, guys?
Will Schuester: Thanks for the Slushees, Finn.
Rachel Berry: They're delicious.
Kurt Hummel: And loaded with empty calories. You know why they call them Slushees? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them.
Finn Hudson: I'd like to propose a toast. To Mr. Schue. You were right about Glee Club and football bein' a killer combination.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Schue, I am sorry to report... that we've all been remiss about completing our assignment this week.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, none of us could find a good groove for "Bust a Move."
Artie Abrams: And I personally feel like a failure.
Will Schuester: Well, that's okay, guys. Because I feel like the lesson landed. And that's what's important. And we are glad to have you back, Finn. You okay, Quinn?
Quinn Fabray: Do I look okay? I'm devastated. Now that I'm off the Cheerios, I'll start every day with a Slushee facial.
Will Schuester: That's okay if that happens, Quinn, because there are 11 of your friends right here... who are gonna be more than happy to help clean you off.
New Directions: Yeah. Whoo!
Mercedes Jones: That's right, girl.
Will Schuester: Mmm, brain freeze. I can't imagine gettin' hit in the kisser with one of these.
Artie Abrams: You've never been hit by a Slushee before, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Um... All right, guys. We're a team. Bring it on. Gimme your best shot.
Rachel Berry: One, two, three.
Will Schuester: Oh. All right. From the top.
New Directions: Yeah! Yeah!


Mercedes Jones: My weave!
Finn Hudson: What the hell, Karofsky?
Dave Karofsky: Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade... when you made fun of me for getting pubes. Now that you've joined Lullaby Lee's and insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball... and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain? It's open season.
Quinn Fabray: Screw you, Karofsky! You and your Neanderthal puck-heads are nothing!
Finn Hudson: You're gonna pay for this, dude!
Dave Karofsky: No, I'm not. You two don't have the juice anymore. Welcome to the new world order.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys.
Ken Tanaka: We need to talk.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Ken Tanaka: As you know, even though she refuses to wear the ring and won't tell anyone... including her mother... about the engagement, Emma and I are, in fact, getting married.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. Ken convinced me we need to at least be in the same room when the marriage is certified.
Ken Tanaka: What can I say? I'm a traditionalist. We're going to Hawaii and getting married on the beach.
Will Schuester: And you want me to come?
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, no. I picked Hawaii, because it's far away from everybody we know.
Will Schuester: Oh!...
Emma Pillsbury: Uh, the thing is... is that after a very brief, private ceremony... Ken has decided he would like to have a first dance.
Ken Tanaka: The problem is, we can't decide on the song.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. I would like to have "I Could've Danced All Night."
Will Schuester: Oh, from My Fair Lady. Great choice. Such a romantic song.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes.
Ken Tanaka: Yeah, if you're making a mixed tape for the boring parade. I want the "Thong Song." I need something I can shake my moneymaker to.
Will Schuester: Um...
Emma Pillsbury: Uh, I was remembering, um, that you did those, uh... mash-up things with the Glee kids, right?
Will Schuester: Uh-huh.
Emma Pillsbury: So I thought maybe you could find a way to use both of our songs. Um, and I... well, we... both need... want... need dance lessons.
Ken Tanaka: Yeah, l... l... I mean, I might need a bit of polishing... but it's the Emster here you really have to work with. Had a monster case of athlete's foot a couple years back. Had to get all my toenails removed. So if she steps on my feet during the dance, I might pass out.
Emma Pillsbury: We would, uh, be very happy to pay you for your time, Will.
Will Schuester: No. No, I want to give you these lessons as a wedding gift. Sound good?
Emma Pillsbury: Great.



Quinn Fabray: This is a disaster. Our reputation as McKinley High's "it" couple is in serious jeopardy... if we don't find some way to be cool again, Finn.
Kurt Hummel: The Slushee war has commenced.
Mercedes Jones: And if Finn and Quinn got nailed, none of us are safe.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys. We're a little behind for sectionals... thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour. But you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up. Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great. Like... chocolate and bacon.
Finn Hudson: Or Glee Club and football.
Will Schuester: Exactly. But you've proven that it isa great combination. So here is... my personal favorite song. here is... my personal favorite song. And your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it.
Kurt Hummel: Bust a move..
Santana Lopez: Yeah, this song is old school.
Will Schuester: All right. Um, Artie.
Artie Abrams: Yeah?
Will Schuester: Try to follow along on the bass. Finn, take us through it.
Finn Hudson: Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. I got corn syrup in my eye.
Will Schuester: Okay. Uh, Puck. How about it?
Noah Puckerman: I don't really groove on Young MC.
Rachel Berry: I am shocked at the lack of leading-man ambition in this room right now.
Will Schuester: It's okay, Rachel. I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done. Bust it!
# this here's a tale for all the fellas #
# trying to do what those ladies tell us #
# get shot down 'cause you're overzealous? #
# play hard to get, females get jealous #
# okay, smarty, go to a party #
# girls are scantily clad and show a body #
# a chick walks by, you wish you could sex her #
# but you're standing on the wall like you was poindexter #
# movie show and so you're going #
# could care less about the five you're blowin' #
Girls of ND: # uh #
Will Schuester: # theater gets dark just to start the show #
# and then you spot a fine woman sitting in your row #
Girls of ND: # uh #
Will Schuester: # she's dressed in yellow, she says, "hello" #
# "come sit next to me, you fine fellow" #
Girls of ND: # uh #
Will Schuester: # you run over there without a second to lose #
# and what comes next? Hey, bust a move #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Will Schuester: # your best friend harry has a brother larry #
# in five days from now, he's gonna marry #
# he's hoping you can make it there if you can #
# 'cause in the ceremony, you'll be the best man #
# you say "neato," check your libido #
# and roll to the church in your new tuxedo #
# the bride walks down just to start the wedding #
# and there's one more girl you won't be getting #
# so you start thinking, then you start blinking #
# a bridesmaid looks and thinks that you're winking #
# she think you're kinda cute, so she winks back #
# and then you're feeling really fine #
# 'cause the girl is stacked #
# reception's jumpin', bass is pumpin' #
# look at the girl and your heart starts thumpin' #
# says she wants to dance to a different groove #
# now you know what to do, g, bust a move #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #
Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #
Will Schuester: # move it, boy #
Girls of ND: # uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, babe, uh #
# uh, yeah, uh, huh-uh, babe, uh-uh, babe #
# uh, uh, hey, yeah #
Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #



Emma Pillsbury: So, how can I, uh... how can I help you kids? Is it, uh, too many friends on MySpace, or...
Quinn Fabray: I can't believe we're saying this... but we need some advice on how to be cool.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you must have picked up some ideas... about what cool people do from watching them over the years. Not that you were never cool yourself.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah... Eh... Well... Um... But, um, you're two of... the most popular kids in school.
Quinn Fabray: We were... until we joined Glee Club. That's why he got a Slushee facial. I'm sure of it.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. I see. Um, don't really have any... pamphlets on how to be popular. Uh, okay, right. Well, let's talk about this. Why is it so important for you to be cool? Huh? Don't you like being in Glee? It's fun.
Quinn Fabray: Status is like currency. When your bank account is full... you can get away with doing just about anything. But right now, we're like toxic assets. When my mom applied to college... she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity. And she got into Arizona State.
Emma Pillsbury: Sunglasses are so sexy. Sunglasses. Yeah, sunglasses are, um, really, really cool. I'm always seeing celebrities wear them... in magazines, even at night. Doesn't need to be day. Very popular. Gives you a sense of mystery. You know... rappers.
Finn Hudson: Totally. You can't see their eyes, so they have all the power. I could be looking at your boobs, and you'd have no idea.
Quinn Fabray: Oh!...
Emma Pillsbury: It... Em... No. Um, no. Kids, look. The most important thing is that you be yourselves. Okay? And if people don't like you for that, then I'm sorry, but who needs 'em.



Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: Hi.
Emma Pillsbury: This is my Cousin Betty's. We were obsessed with Princess Di's dress when we were little girls... so, um, when she got married she insisted on having... this, uh... this long train.
Will Schuester: Is there a reason you... have it on now?
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, yes.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Um, she didn't wear it to her dance rehearsals... and the night of the wedding her husband kept stepping on the train. It was really bad. Their fight was epic. The priest cried. They were divorced three months later. Actually, maybe I shouldn't wear it.
Will Schuester: No, no, no, no, no! It's all good. It's all good. We'll, uh... We'll see how you move in it. Right?
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay. Um, so first, uh, let's do Ken's selection... and then, uh, we'll work in your song for the big finish.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Will Schuester: All right? Hey, Emma... I'm really excited about this.
Emma Pillsbury: Fantastic. It's... so, so exciting.
Will Schuester: # This thing right here... #
# Is letting all the ladies know... #
# What guys talk about. #
# You know, the finer things in life. #
# check it out. #
# ooh, that dress so scandalous #
# and you know another guy couldn't handle it #
# she's shaking that thing, like, "who's the ish?" #
# with a look in your eye so devilish, uh #
# she like to dance at the hip-hop spots #
# and she cruise to the crews like connect the dots #
# not just urban, she likes to pop #
# 'cause she was living la vida loca #
# she had dumps like a truck, truck-truck #
# thighs like what, what-what? #
# baby, move you butt, butt-butt #
# uh, I think I'll sing it again #
# she had dumps like a truck, truck-truck #
# thighs like what, what-what? #
# all night long #
# let me see that thong #
# baby! #
# that thong, th-thong, thong, thong #
# I like it when the beat goes... #
# baby, make your booty go... #
Emma Pillsbury: Oh!..
Will Schuester: Good God!
Emma Pillsbury: Are you okay?
Will Schuester: I'm okay. Are you?
Emma Pillsbury: It's the darn "Thong Song."
Will Schuester: I don't think it's the song. I think you need a new dress. Come on. I'll pick you up. Right. Upsy-daisy.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, I'm stuck.



Finn Hudson: All right. Let's try, uh, reverse chair on two.
Azimio Adams: Let's not.
Finn Hudson: Hey, Azimio, I'm the quarterback. I call the plays.
Azimio Adams: Some of the guys was talkin' , and we're starting to question your leadership ability.
Football Player: Yeah, like maybe you're having trouble making good choices... as in, for instance, choosing to join homo explosion.
Finn Hudson: Do I need to remind you that Glee Club helped us win our first game of the season?
Azimio Adams: What have you done for me lately?
Football Player: Yeah, we're taking a bunch of heat, because you like kissing dudes all of a sudden. You're not being a team player, man.
Azimio Adams: Can't believe you was man enough to knock up Quinn Fabray. You sure a real man didn't sneak in there and do it for you?
Finn Hudson: That's it!
Football Players: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
Ken Tanaka: Okay, break it up! Get up! Man, get off me! Hey, calm down, everybody! On the sidelines and take a knee! Now! What if you had broken Finn's arm, huh? We'd be worse off and more pathetic than we already are. Where's Puckerman?
Finn Hudson: Uh, he said he had to miss practice today. He's working on something for Glee Club.
Azimio Adams: Is he workin' on his coming-out-of-the-closet speech or somethin'? Hey, man! Don't push me, man!
Ken Tanaka: Okay, enough! Football is war. And no one single man can win that war, not even if they strap nukes on him. I want you to start acting like a team again! When we won that one game, it wasn't because we were dancing. It's because we were of singular purpose. I want you to start hanging more, spend more time together. Which is why, starting next week... I'm adding extra practice on Thursdays at 3: 30.
Finn Hudson: But, Coach, that's when Glee rehearses.
Ken Tanaka: And you tell Puckerman this when you see him. That practice is mandatory. No exceptions. So you're going to have to choose what's more important to you... football or Glee Club.



Rachel Berry: # what a girl wants, what a girl needs #
# whatever makes me happy, sets you free #
# and I'm thanking you for knowing exactly #
# what a girl wants, what a girl needs #
# whatever keeps me in your arms... #
Noah Puckerman: I know this looks weird. But wait until you see what happens next.
My ears are starting to hurt. Can we take a break?
Rachel Berry: Okay.
Noah Puckerman: You wanna make out?
Rachel Berry: Sure.
Noah Puckerman: I know. It's whack. But I also remember what my history teacher told us last semester: Only Nixon can go to China. I have no idea what she meant, but it reminded me of when my family ordered Chinese food... and sat down together for our traditional... Simchas Torah screening of Schindler's List. That's really when all of this started. It wasn't the most normal tradition... but we did it for my mom. She said it made her feel connected to her Jewish roots. As she was giving me my sweet-and-sour pork... she said something that really hit home.
Mrs. Puckerman: You're no better than them, Noah. Why can't you date a Jewish girl?
Noah Puckerman: That night, I had the strangest dream. I knew it was a dream, because there's no way Rachel could've climbed up the wall... outside my window with no shoes on. When I woke up, I knew it was more than a dream. It was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.



Noah Puckerman: I picked it up for you when I was buying dip. It's grape. I know that's your favorite, because the last time I tossed a grape one in your face... you licked your lips before you cleaned yourself off. Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to work together on some mash-up ideas.



Noah Puckerman: Things happened pretty fast from that point. Getting her to make out with me was easier than I thought. Guess she's kind of desperate.
Finn Hudson: You okay, baby?
Rachel Berry: I can't do this.
Noah Puckerman: Why? We're a couple of good-lookin' Jews. It's natural.
Rachel Berry: I... I can't give myself to someone who isn't... brave enough to sing a solo. If you don't have the guts to do that, then how are you gonna be bold enough to deal... with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high-maintenance girl like me?
Noah Puckerman: Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?
Rachel Berry: Noah, I'm sorry, but... Your arms are lovely, but... I just don't see us working out.



Will Schuester: So... any ideas for the mash-up? Anybody?
New Directions: No.
Will Schuester: Oh, come on, guys! It's like you're daring me to start dancing.
New Directions: Oh! No.
Noah Puckerman: I've been working on something.
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah?
Noah Puckerman: It's my personal tribute to a musical Jewish icon
Will Schuester: Uh, fantastic. Let's hear it.
Noah Puckerman: # where it began #
# I can't begin to knowin' #
# but then I know it's growin' strong #
# was in the spring #
# and spring became summer #
# who'd have believed you'd come along? #
# hands #
# touching hands #
# reaching out #
# touching me #
# touching you #
# oh #
# sweet caroline #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Noah Puckerman: # good times never seemed so good #
# I've been inclined #
# ba, ba, ba #
# to believe they never would #
# oh #
# sweet caroline #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Noah Puckerman: # good times never seemed so good #
# oh, I've been inclined #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Noah Puckerman: # to believe they never would #
# oh, no, no. #
New Directions: Puckerman! Yeah!



Finn Hudson: Huh! You know, I really think this is working. I think we look super cool.
Quinn Fabray: I'm proud of you, Finn. I'm proud of us.
Finn Hudson: ..Yeah. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be popular. It just means you want people to like you. I think that's healthy.
Quinn Fabray: I totally agree.
Finn Hudson: Being popular just means you can have it all. Oh, hey, guys.
Azimio Adams: You thirsty?
Finn Hudson: Sure. Thanks. You can't do this!
Azimio Adams: Oh, you think that's bad? Just imagine what's gonna happen if you don't show up to practice on Thursday... and quit that little Glee Club for good! Bros before hi-hos, dude. Don't forget that.



Sue Sylvester: I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage." Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So "woof" on Prop 15, Ohio. And that's how Sue sees it. Oh, Rod.
Rod Remington: Boffo, Sue. And we'll be right back after this.
Sue Sylvester: You still smell like scotch, Rod.
Rod Remington: You know, Sue, there's a lot of pressure being a local celebrity. Most women find me intimidating. The teeth, the hair... It's a lot to take in, and I know it. I need a gal with a little backbone. And I think you just might be that gal.
Sue Sylvester: Don't you have a wife, Rod?
Rod Remington: She drowned. So now I've got the condo all to myself. Maybe we could go out sometime, have a little fondue.
Sue Sylvester: Sure. Okay. Bread, cheese... Oh, fantastic.
Rod Remington: I'll call you.



Will Schuester: Sue... Whoo! That was amazing. Oh! You know, I have to admit... At first when you suggestif that I teach you a few steps... I was hesitant. You know, 'cause how horrible you were to me and the Glee kids... when Figgins made you co director.
Sue Sylvester: Well, live and let learn, my friend.
Will Schuester: That is ultimately what I got to. It's nice not being at each other's throats.
Sue Sylvester: You know, you're right. I... Oh, gosh. I don't know how else to say this, but I'm in love.
Will Schuester: Really?
Sue Sylvester: After one date, Sue Sylvester is in love.



Rod Remington: E9
Sue Sylvester: You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.
Rod Remington: You know, Sue, I like to swing.
Sue Sylvester: I could be good with that.



Sue Sylvester: Rod has invited me to the Second Annual Allen County Sickle-cell Anemia Dance-a-thon. And with your tutelage, Will... we can take home that blue ribbon like two prize heifers in love.
Will Schuester: I was wondering why you asked for dance lessons.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, well, Erma just raved about you.
Will Schuester: Sue, I'm... I'm actually touched. I mean, you seem so happy and... nice. And you've been so cool with Quinn Fabray and her, you know, situation.
Sue Sylvester: Mmm, yeah, well, she's just a confused kid... and the least I can offer her is my compassion. But, you, mister...
Will Schuester: Aw...
Sue Sylvester: ... The Sue Sylvester who has been obsessed... with sabotaging your every move is now just a distant memory.
Will Schuester: That's great, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Now all I feel for you is sympathy. Whether it be for your sham of a marriage... or the fact that Coach Tanaka's finally laying down the law with regard to Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Wait. What?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. Tanaka-san's making the kids choose. Come on. Let's be honest. What kid's gonna choose Glee Club over football? It'd be ridiculous.



Will Schuester: Hey, Ken, you wanna tell me what the hell's goin' on? You know I had a standing Glee rehearsal on Thursday. We sat down and worked out a Schedule when some of your guys joined the club.
Ken Tanaka: Circumstances have changed. I have a serious morale issue with my team. It's my responsibility to fix it. Sorry if me doing my job interferes with your club.
Will Schuester: Ken, we've known each other for years. Your commitment to football is about as long as your pants. You know, let's get into what this is really about. You're upset that I don't like your song for your wedding mash-up. And you're right. It's not my place to have an opinion.
Ken Tanaka: Why don't you just cut the crap, Will? You're not that naive. This is not about a song. It's about my fiancée. You and I, the whole world, know that I'm just a consolation prize to you. How do you think that makes me feel?
Will Schuester: Emma's totally into you.
Ken Tanaka: Emma is settling for me. And I love her so much, I don't care. But it doesn't mean I appreciate you comin' in with your Gene Kelly charm... and gettin' high off of her fawning over you.
Will Schuester: I... I have never intentionally encouraged Emma... But I haven't discouraged her either. You don't have to worry about it anymore though. So, are we cool? And I'll have my guys on Thursday again? 3: 30?
Ken Tanaka: So you keep your rehearsal. I'll keep my practice. We'll let the kids decide who's first choice... and who's a consolation prize.



Rachel Berry: ..making Tommy Tune the first to win Tony gold in four categories.
Noah Puckerman: Totally interesting. You know, you never told me what you thought of my mash-up solo.
Rachel Berry: You're still missing the elusive high "B." That's a brass ring for a baritenor. I had to work on it for weeks with Finn before he got it. You're a great performer, Noah. I just wanna say how proud I am to have you on my arm in front of the whole high school.



Noah Puckerman: You're pretty good at this.
Rachel Berry: I've had a lot of practice. You're actually a lot luckier than me and Quinn. Your head is shaved.
Noah Puckerman: I'm really sorry I ever did this to you.
Rachel Berry: It's okay.
Noah Puckerman: No, it isn't. No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes... or the way the Slushee drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Rachel... I'm sorry, but today when the clock chimes 3:30...
Rachel Berry: You're choosing football over Glee, which means we probably can't be together anymore.
Noah Puckerman: Yes. Damn, I feel like such a bad Jew.



Will Schuester: Are you ready yet? We've only got an hour for lunch, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: It's not like trying on a pair of jeans, Will.
Will Schuester: Well, it doesn't have to be perfect. We just have to see if you can dance in it.
Emma Pillsbury: Fits okay?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Fits great.
Emma Pillsbury: Terrific.
Will Schuester: Yeah, terrific. Uh, so, should we see if you can dance in it? Okay. This is the instrumental version of your wedding song. You can sing along if you want to. It'll help your footwork.
Emma Pillsbury: # I could have danced all night #
# I could have danced all night #
# and still have begged #
# for more #
# I could have spread my wings #
# and done a thousand things #
# I've never done #
# before #
# I'll never know what made it so #
# exciting #
# why all at once my heart #
# took flight #
# I only know #
# when he began to dance with me #
# I could have danced #
# danced, danced... #
# all night. #
Will Schuester: Yeah, you can dance in it. So, I gotta get goin' . Um... Got the big showdown today at 3: 30. and, uh... I wanna make sure I'm there to support the kids, no matter what happens
Emma Pillsbury: Wait, what showdown? I thought... I thought you and Sue had that last week.
Will Schuester: Eh... Between me and your fiancé. Uh, Ken's told all the football players in Glee... that they have to choose between the club and the team. And unless all the guys choose Glee... it looks like we won't have enough members for sectionals.
Emma Pillsbury: Then Glee is over.
Will Schuester: I know. Well, wish me luck.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I guess they're not coming. I'm really sorry, guys.
Mercedes Jones: I can't believe this. I thought they were our friends. How can they just abandon us?
Santana Lopez: Hi. I'm glad you made it.
Mike Chang: Hi.
Brittany S. Pierce: You scared me.
Will Schuester: Good to see you, huh?
Rachel Berry: Are you... sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a Slushee in your face every day.
Noah Puckerman: Bring it.
Artie Abrams: Where's Finn?



Football Player: Hey, fella... You made the right decision.
Finn Hudson: Hey, man... What's up, dude?
Ken Tanaka: Okay, let's huddle up.



Kurt Hummel: Do it.
Finn Hudson: I really don't want to, honestly. I know how picky you are about what products you use on your face.
Kurt Hummel: But you've been getting so much pressure from the gorillas on the football team. I guess they didn't appreciate me resigning from the team and choosing Glee.
Finn Hudson: Probably would have went over better if you didn't announce it in the showers.
Mercedes Jones: You are not gonna Slushee on my man Kurt.
Rachel Berry: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore.
Finn Hudson: No, that's not true. It's just that if I don't do it... the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me.
Kurt Hummel: Well, we can't have that, can we?
Finn Hudson: What are you doin'?
Kurt Hummel: It's called taking one for the team. Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not... any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you. Someone get me to a day-spa stat!



Andrea Carmichael: Ooh, hey, hey, hey.
Rod Remington: Oh. Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Rod... Andrea.
Rod Remington: Uh, you aren't scheduled to tape another "Sue's Corner" until... tomorrow night.
Sue Sylvester: I came by special to show you my zoot suit. I had it made for our dance competition.
Rod Remington: But, uh, only the men wear those.
Sue Sylvester: Further embarrassed.
Andrea Carmichael: You're taking her?
Rod Remington: Not now, Andrea.
Andrea Carmichael: He took me last year. We came in third.
Rod Remington: You didn't think that... we were... exclusive, did you?
Sue Sylvester: It's the only way I do it, Rod.
Rod Remington: I can't be caged in, Sue. That's why I got my tiger tattoo. Heck, even my wife understood that. Are we still on for Saturday night?
Sue Sylvester: No.



Football Players: Hut!
Rachel Berry: You miss it?
Noah Puckerman: Hell, no.
Football Players: Set, hut!
Rachel Berry: I hope you didn't choose Glee over football because of me.
Noah Puckerman: Why?
Rachel Berry: Because I don't think this relationship is gonna work out.
Noah Puckerman: It's cool. I was gonna break up with you anyway.
Rachel Berry: No, you weren't.
Noah Puckerman: Yes, I was. You won't even let me touch your boobs. It's Finn, right? He's never gonna leave Quinn. Not with that baby in her belly.
Rachel Berry: You like her, don't you? I can see you staring at her when I'm staring at Finn. Is that why you joined Glee? To be closer to her?
Noah Puckerman: Like I said, they're never breaking up. God, what's the matter with me? I'm a stud, and I can't even hold on to a chick like you? No offense. Why don't girls like me?
Rachel Berry: 'Cause you're kind of a jerk. No offense. I just think you want it too much. Which is something I can relate to. I want everything too much. Our relationship was built on a fantasy. Like every other one in my life. I think I just agreed to us being together because I thought it would make Finn jealous. I just hope we can still be friends.
Noah Puckerman: We weren't friends before.



Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, wanna have a catch?
Finn Hudson: Sure.
Will Schuester: Go long.
Finn Hudson: I'm not comin' back.
Will Schuester: These are the moments, Finn. They're the crossroads. They're the ones you look back at when you get old and think "what if?"
Finn Hudson: I don't buy that. I don't think any one decision makes your life... unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or somethin' .
Will Schuester: No. You're right. Life's a series of choices. Big combination of moments... little ones that add up to big ones... that create who you are. You're lettin' other people make those choices for you, Finn. You're letting them decide who you're gonna be. People you're not even gonna know in three years. People whose names you're gonna forget... when you run into them in the hardware store.
Finn Hudson: You don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.
Will Schuester: Yes, I do. Because of all the students I've ever had, you remind me the most of me. Come back to Glee, Finn. It's where you belong.



Finn Hudson: Hey, Coach. Can I talk to you about somethin'?
Ken Tanaka: You got an itch down there or somethin'?
Finn Hudson: What? No. Uh... I'm the quarterback, right? The leader.
Ken Tanaka: Sure.
Finn Hudson: Well, all this stuff about having to choose between Glee and football... is making it hard for me to lead. Leaders are supposed to see things that other guys don't. Right? Like they can imagine a future where things are better. Like Thomas Jefferson or that kid from the Terminator movies. I see a future where it's cool to be in Glee Club. Where you can play football and sing and dance and no one gets down on you for it. Where the more different you are the better. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is... I don't wanna have to choose between them anymore. It's not cool.
Ken Tanaka: Hey, about that Thursday practice. It's, uh, canceled indefinitely. I got... stuff I gotta do that time. Laundry, things like that.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Sweet.
Ken Tanaka: Finn. Tell Puckerman and the other guys too, will you?
Finn Hudson: Sure. Thanks, Coach.



Sue Sylvester: Schuester!
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Sue Sylvester: I'll need to see that set list for sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5: 00 p.m. And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night I will steal a way into your home... and punch you in the face.
Will Schuester: Hey, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: What?
Will Schuester: Didn't work out with Rod?
Sue Sylvester: No, it did not.
Sue Sylvester: Q. take off those sunglasses. I wanna look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business. You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.



Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: I wanted to talk to you about your wedding mash-up. I've been workin' really hard on it and... I just can't get those two songs to go together.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. That's because they don't. We both know that. They're both good songs though.
Will Schuester: Great ones.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, um, I just wanted to say, uh... Thank you... for the dance lessons.



Finn Hudson: So, what do you think about my welcome back gift to the club, huh, guys?
Will Schuester: Thanks for the Slushees, Finn.
Rachel Berry: They're delicious.
Kurt Hummel: And loaded with empty calories. You know why they call them Slushees? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them.
Finn Hudson: I'd like to propose a toast. To Mr. Schue. You were right about Glee Club and football bein' a killer combination.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Schue, I am sorry to report... that we've all been remiss about completing our assignment this week.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, none of us could find a good groove for "Bust a Move."
Artie Abrams: And I personally feel like a failure.
Will Schuester: Well, that's okay, guys. Because I feel like the lesson landed. And that's what's important. And we are glad to have you back, Finn. You okay, Quinn?
Quinn Fabray: Do I look okay? I'm devastated. Now that I'm off the Cheerios, I'll start every day with a Slushee facial.
Will Schuester: That's okay if that happens, Quinn, because there are 11 of your friends right here... who are gonna be more than happy to help clean you off.
New Directions: Yeah. Whoo!
Mercedes Jones: That's right, girl.
Will Schuester: Mmm, brain freeze. I can't imagine gettin' hit in the kisser with one of these.
Artie Abrams: You've never been hit by a Slushee before, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Um... All right, guys. We're a team. Bring it on. Gimme your best shot.
Rachel Berry: One, two, three.
Will Schuester: Oh. All right. From the top.
New Directions: Yeah! Yeah!
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109. Wheels

放送日:2009年11月11日


Cheerios: Go! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven! One, two, three, four! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven, eight!
Finn Hudson: You shouldn't do this to yourself.
Quinn Fabray: Do what?
Finn Hudson: ... I know how much it hurts to be off the team. You're just torturing yourself watching.
Quinn Fabray: I need a good distraction.
Finn Hudson: From what? $685?
Quinn Fabray: That's how much a sonogram costs. This is just the beginning. There's gonna be more doctors' visits... vitamins, new clothes for when I explode.
Finn Hudson: What are we gonna do?
Quinn Fabray: What are you gonna do?
Finn Hudson: Well, I'm looking for a job. I mean, no one's hiring. I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a busboy.
Quinn Fabray: Somewhere in that pea brain of yours... is a man. Access him and tell him to prove to me that I chose the right guy to have a baby with.
Finn Hudson: I will. I-I'll find a job. Where...Where are you goin'?
Quinn Fabray: You were right. This does hurt too much.
Jacob Ben Israel: My blog has lit up with comments suggesting... you don't have a shot at nationals since you lost Quinn Fabray.
Sue Sylvester: No, the Cheerios are stronger than ever. We're gonna take nationals with this routine. Mediocre! Hit the showers!



Jacob Ben Israel: I have several sources reporting Quinn didn't wanna leave... but you kicked her out because of the pregnancy scandal.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Jacob, this is Ohio, and in order to win... my Cheerios need to appeal to that panel of judges. So if I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout... the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form. They're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force... is going to make the baby's head start crowning. Oh, and by the way, all this... off the record. Probably should've told you that earlier.
Will Schuester: This isn't fair, Figgins.
Principal Figgins: Is it fair that... I have to stop providing the baseball team with protective cups? I only get a certain amount of dollars a year to spend, William.
Will Schuester: Yeah, but Artie...
Principal Figgins: ...He's used to overcoming challenges. He'll just have to find his own ride to sectionals. That "handicapable" bus costs $600 a week to rent. We can't afford it.
Will Schuester: Oh! But there's enough money in the budget... to fly the Cheerios all over the country for their competitions?
Principal Figgins: Sue Sylvester has boosters that write fat checks. None of her travel expenses come out of the school budget.
Will Schuester: Look. When I was in the Glee Club... the best part of the competitions was the bus ride to the event. It was about camaraderie and supporting each other.
Principal Figgins: You think I feel good about this?
Will Schuester: Well, my students won't stand for it.
Principal Figgins: That's very moving, but my hands are tied, Schue. If you want that bus, you're gonna have to find a way to pay for it yourself.



Quinn Fabray: What about Target?
Finn Hudson: Tried. Not hiring.
Quinn Fabray: Another doctor bill came to my parents' house last night, Finn. We're lucky that I'm clever and intercepted it. But we have to start paying these doctors' bills... or they're gonna go to a collection agency. And then my parents are gonna find out that I'm with child... your child.
Will Schuester: All right, guys. We're doin' a new number for sectionals. I know that pop songs have sort of been our signature pieces. But I did a little research on past winners, and it turns out that the judges like songs that are more accessible. Stuff they know. Uh, standards, Broadway.
Kurt Hummel: "Defying Gravity"? I have an iPod shuffle... dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing.
Will Schuester: Think you can handle it, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: It's my go-to shower song. It's also my ringtone.
Mercedes Jones: Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.
Will Schuester: Okay. We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. Rachel is singing it. Don't worry. We'll find something for you to dip in chocolate. On to item two. The school won't pay for the special bus we need... to take Artie and his wheelchair with us to sectionals.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh...Wh...What?
Rachel Berry: That's completely unfair.
Will Schuester: So, we're gonna have to raise money to pay for it ourselves. See, when I was in Glee Club and we needed new silk cummerbunds for regionals... we held a bake sale.
Santana Lopez: Wait. You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of "bougie."
Will Schuester: So hip people stopped eating delicious sugary treats?
Brittany S. Pierce: It's not that. It's most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.
Rachel Berry: My family's fully committed to takeout.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, Mr. Schue. Kids are busier than when you went here. We've got homework and football and teen pregnancy, lunch.
Mercedes Jones: Can't Artie's dad just take him?
Will Schuester: I can't believe how insensitive you're all being. Are you a team?
Quinn Fabray: Of course. But Artie understands. Don't you, Artie?
Artie Abrams: Of...Of course. It...It's cool. I mean, anything that takes away our time from rehearsing doesn't serve as a team.
Will Schuester: Let me help you out, buddy.
Artie Abrams: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Hey, I'm really sorry about how they all reacted, Artie.
Artie Abrams: It's okay. I'm used to it. They just... don't get it. Can I use the auditorium this afternoon to rehearse, Mr. Schue? Some of the band equipment's in there.
Will Schuester: Sure.



Artie Abrams: # on the floor of tokyo-o #
# or down in london town to go-o #
# with the record selection with the mirror reflection #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# when there's no one else in sight #
# in a crowded lonely ni-ight #
# well, I wait so long for my love vibration #
# and I'm dancing with myself #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# well, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# and I'll be dancing with myself #
# if I looked all over the world #
# and there's every type of gi-irl #
# but your empty eyes seem to pass me by #
# and leave me dancing with myself #
# so let's sink another drink #
# 'cause it'll give me time to thi-ink #
# if I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance #
# and I'll be dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# I'll be dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# and I'll be dancing with myself. #



Kurt Hummel: I have something I'd like to say. I wanna audition for the Wicked solo.
Will Schuester: Kurt, there's a high "F" in it.
Kurt Hummel: That's well within my range.
Will Schuester: Well, I think Rachel's gonna be fine for the female lead. But I'm happy to have you try out something else, Kurt. And we'll make sure that it's got a killer high note.
Mercedes Jones: You tried.
Will Schuester: Anyway... I wanted to say something to you guys. I was a little disappointed at how you were all so willing... to take the bus together to sectionals... and make Artie drive by himself with his dad. We're a team, guys. We're in this Glee Club together.
Mercedes Jones: Artie doesn't care. His dad drives him everywhere.
Artie Abrams: I do care. That kind of hurt my feelings.
Rachel Berry: We didn't think you would take it personally.
Artie Abrams: Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.
Will Schuester: I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder... Artie has to work just to keep up.
Artie Abrams: Preach.
Will Schuester: We're riding to sectionals together... or we're not going at all. And to pay for the bus, we're having a bake sale. St. Ignatius nursing home was having a tag sale. And my A.V. Club friends here agreed to help out. For the next week, each of you is going to spend... three hours a day in a wheelchair. And we're doing a wheelchair number.



Noah Puckerman: I didn't even know we had a home ec room. What's all this?
Quinn Fabray: Ingredients for cupcakes... for the stupid bake sale. What's this?
Noah Puckerman: It's what I had left over from my pool cleaning money... after I bought dip and nunchakus. I was getting that you kind of need money... for our kid.
Quinn Fabray: For my kid. Eighteen dollars.
Noah Puckerman: How much has Finn given you?
Quinn Fabray: Just stop. I told you before. I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk. I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.
Noah Puckerman: It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a Mohawk.
Quinn Fabray: You are such an egghead.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not. Oh. Ok. Ok... Ah!...
Quinn Fabray: No... That was perfectly measured! There you go. Oh!
Noah Puckerman: No... Come on. Oh!
Finn Hudson: What the hell?
Quinn Fabray: We're baking.
Finn Hudson: I can see that.
Noah Puckerman: I'm gonna go change.



Burt Hummel: Where's my jelly cream center?
Kurt Hummel: Sorry, Dad. I must've forgotten.
Burt Hummel: What's up with your brain today? You know, I think it's goin' soft from all that crap you put in your hair.
Kurt Hummel: It's organic, and I'm fine. I'm sorry. It's a Glee Club thing.
Burt Hummel: It's not about a guy, is it? Because I'm not ready to have that conversation.
Kurt Hummel: Well, at least you don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant. It's not a guy. We're doing this amazing song for sectionals... a personal favorite of mine, and Mr. Schuester won't give me a chance to sing it.
Burt Hummel: Why?
Kurt Hummel: It's traditionally sung by a girl.
Burt Hummel: Well, you sing like a girl. You know, in a good way. Look, Kurt. I don't know how this music stuff works. I'm pretty exclusively committed to my Mellencamp collection, but... isn't there more crossover nowadays? You know, chicks doin' construction? Guys wearin' dress shoes with no socks? Didn't that girl from your high school just join the boys' wrestling team?



Lauren Zizes: Yes! Whoo!



Kurt Hummel: Yes, but her parents had to sue the school.
Burt Hummel: This is really gettin' you down, isn't it?
Kurt Hummel: I'm... full of ennui.
Burt Hummel: So it's... really getting you down?
Kurt Hummel: Yes.



Burt Hummel: You can't discriminate against my kid because of his sex... religion, political affiliation... or the fact that he's queer as a three-dollar bill. And I won't accept it.
Principal Figgins: This isn't academics or athletics, Mr. Hummel. It's an arts program, and Mr. Schuester's judgments are subjective.
Burt Hummel: You put on a blindfold and listen to my kid sing... and you will swear you're hearing Ronnie Spector.
Will Schuester: Wait...
Burt Hummel: Don't try to backpedal on this, Schuester.
Will Schuester: I was just going to agree with you.



Will Schuester: I know this is gonna be hard on you, Rachel... but I can't in good conscience preach about the importance of helping Artie... and then reject Kurt's request out of hand.
Rachel Berry: So you're giving him my part?
Will Schuester: Now, I can't just give him the part. That would be just as wrong. But I can let him audition.



Burt Hummel: What do you mean, like a tryout? All right, that seems fair.



Rachel Berry: This is totally unfair. You gave me the part.
Will Schuester: And I will give it to you again if you can sing the song better than Kurt.



Burt Hummel: Okay, this seems like a reasonable deal. But how do I know this isn't just some show... to stop me from takin' a flamethrower to this place? Who's gonna judge?



Will Schuester: Now, all of you are gonna judge. And in the spirit of full access, each of you is going to get a vote. Whatever singer has the most votes gets the part.
Rachel Berry: This isn't gonna be about talent, Mr. Schuester. It's gonna be a popularity contest.
Kurt Hummel: Stop right there. Mr. Schue, if I may? We all know I'm more popular than Rachel. And I dress better than her. But I want you all to promise me that you're going to vote for whoever sings the song better. Raise your right hand. Your right hand, Brittany.
Santana Lopez: It's this one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Sorry.
Kurt Hummel: Repeat after me. I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.
New Directions: I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.
Will Schuester: Good luck.
Kurt Hummel: It's on.
Will Schuester: All right, guys.
Rachel Berry: Maybe one of these days, you'll find a way... to create teaching moments without ruining my life.



Principal Figgins: Schue, I saw all your kids in their wheelchairs, and I was very impressed.
Will Schuester: Well, thank you, Principal Figgins. But actually... it's made me realize that there's only one wheelchair entrance in this school... and it's all the way in the far end of campus. McKinley needs ramps.
Sue Sylvester: No way. Those are what I call "lazy makers." They discourage our able-bodied students... from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs.
Will Schuester: What is she doing here?
Sue Sylvester: Yes. What am I doing here? I have a Cheerios routine to polis that's gonna clinch us nationals.
Principal Figgins: I brought you two in here because both of you have a point. Handicapped ramps are expensive, but inspiration is free. Will, I'm so inspired by your stunt... that I'm insisting that Miss Sylvester do the same with the Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?
Principal Figgins: Cheerios is not accessible, Sue. It's by invitation only. I want to see a squad that reflets our community's diversity. Now, Glee Club held open auditions.
Sue Sylvester: And everyone got in.
Principal Figgins: Now that Quinn Fabray is off the squad... you will hold open auditions to fill her slot. And Mr. Schuester will monitor them to make sure that they're fair to all.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, let me break this down for you here. There comes a point when you've gotta stop seeing people for what they look like... and ask them to show you what they can do. And as soon as a cheerleader rolls herself out onto the field in a wheelchair... she becomes decidedly less effective at cheering people up. It's just a fact.
Principal Figgins: No, Sue. The fact is, you've never given other students the fair shake that they deserve. I'm asking you to try itWhat do you have to lose? Maybe somebody at the school will surprise you.



Finn Hudson: Cupcake? Cupcakes suck. That's why we're not selling any.
Quinn Fabray: It's not about the cupcakes. It's about us. Nobody wants to buy from losers. We're in Glee Club and in wheelchairs.
Noah Puckerman: She has a point. Six months ago... I could've sold 50 of these things on fear alone.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, my God. What is she doing?
Finn Hudson: I actually think they're kind of friends.
Noah Puckerman: Brittany's always cheating off her test papers in math class.
Brittany S. Pierce: See so many? And look how pretty they are, Becky.
Becky Jackson: Wow!
Santana Lopez: Brittany, you're supposed to be in your wheelchair.
Brittany S. Pierce: I lost it.
Becky Jackson: Are you a cheerleader? It's so cool.
Brittany S. Pierce: So is buying a cupcake. That's really cool.
Becky Jackson: But I don't have any money.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's okay. I have some.
Santana Lopez: Thank you.
Becky Jackson: Thanks.
Brittany S. Pierce: So how much do we have now?
Finn Hudson: Well, with this one dollar, we have one dollar.
Quinn Fabray: This is ridiculous.
Finn Hudson: Maybe if we put a jellybean or somthing on top, we'd sell more.
Quinn Fabray: Are you an idiot? How am I supposed to trust you to take care of our baby... when you can't even figure out how to sell a damn cupcake?
Finn Hudson: Stop attacking me. I'm sick of it.
Quinn Fabray: Get a job.
Finn Hudson: I'm fine!



Sue Sylvester: I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here.
Will Schuester: You just call a name. They come in and try out. Just give 'em a chance to express themselves.
Sue Sylvester: I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.
Mercedes Jones: McKinley! Hey, hey! McKinley!
Sue Sylvester: No... No... You're not serious, are you? Tell me you're not serious. No! No friggin' way, Jacob. ...Freak? Okay, I've been at this for an hour. That's all I promised.
Will Schuester: Sue, there's just one more person on the list. Give her a shot.
Sue Sylvester: Becky Johnson.
Will Schuester: Jackson.
Sue Sylvester: Jackson.
Will Schuester: Be nice, Sue.
Becky Jackson: I heard that you do a routine with jump ropes. I wanted to show you what I could do.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, I'm gonna stop you right there. You're in. Be at practice tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. Congratulations.
Will Schuester: What are you up to, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I'm just following orders, Will. I'm doing what I was told. And I found myself a brand-new Cheerio.
Will Schuester: You're up to something. I don't like this, Sue.



Noah Puckerman: I'm just saying, she has a point. You are kind of an idiot.
Finn Hudson: Nice support, dude. Whatever happened to "bros before ho's"?
Noah Puckerman: You've got a baby on the way, bro, and you haven't done spit to take care of it.
Finn Hudson: Like you'd do any different?
Noah Puckerman: Damn straight.
Finn Hudson: How? Nobody's hiring.
Noah Puckerman: Sell your Xbox. Rob a bank. Go all Robin Hood on this joint. Whatever it takes. All I ever hear is you whining and crying about how hard this is on you. What about her?
Finn Hudson: Dude, you are so out of line. You don't know what I'm dealing with.
Noah Puckerman: All I know is that you're a punk who dosent deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend!
Finn Hudson: You're a punk!
Will Schuester: Hey, hey! Break it up! Break it up! Come on! Hey...
Noah Puckerman: He started it!
Will Schuester: I don't care! Now. You...You guys are best friends. What the hell's goin' on?
Noah Puckerman: I'm just really stressed about the bake sale. I really like Artie, okay?
Will Schuester: ...You okay?



Artie Abrams: The key to a double turn is to just go for it. You push with the right wheel, and pull as hard as you can with the left... and find a spot on the wall to spot you so you don't get dizzy.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys. Uh, take five, all right? Oh! Remember to show up early on Thursday. It's Rachel versus Kurt for the big solo.
New Directions: Whou!...
Artie Abrams: Careful. Respect the chair.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I really admire you, Artie. I had no idea how difficult this was.
Artie Abrams: It's just like you with your stutter. You don't really notice it after a while.
Tina Cohen-Chang: H...H...How did it happen? You don't talk about it.
Artie Abrams: My mom and I got in a really bad car accident when I was eight. And she was fine, but I've been in the chair ever since. But I wanna be very clear. I still have the use of my penis. Oh, God.



Burt Hummel: Excuse me a second. Hummel Tires and Lube.
Man: Allo.
Burt Hummel: Yep. Who's this?
Man: Your son's a fag.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad.
Burt Hummel: What the hell is wrong with this machine?
Kurt Hummel: I hit it... the high "F." The magical note I need for "Defying Gravity." I hit it. It means I'm gonna win.
Burt Hummel: That's great... Good for you. Just how long until the damn coffee's ready?
Kurt Hummel: What's going on?
Burt Hummel: I got a phone call this morning. The anonymous kind. It was some dude telling me my son was a fag.
Kurt Hummel: Oh. Well, that's not a big deal. I get that all the time.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, but I don't... . Now, look, Kurt. I try to do right by you. You know, open some doors. What father wouldn't do that for his kid? And I know it's good for you... to be out there with... with all this Glee Club stuff. I just... I don't want you to get hurt.
Kurt Hummel: So you don't want me to audition for the solo?
Burt Hummel: No, no. Let me be clear, all right? No one pushes the Hummels around, especially cowards on the phone. Sometimes, I just... I wish your mom was still around, you know?... She was better at... you know, handlin' this kind of thing. You know, handlin' me. Look, congrats on, uh... you know, the cool "A" or the high "C" or, you know, whatever it was.
Kurt Hummel: High "F."
Burt Hummel: Yeah.



Finn Hudson: There's your problem. You just had a bent push rim. Good as new.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn. You're the only one who was willing to help me. I'm really nervous about the "diva off" tomorrow.
Finn Hudson: Don't be.
Rachel Berry: You know, I don't wanna win out of charity. I wanna win the solo because it's right for the club. I really think that the judges at sectionals... will find a female version of "Defying Gravity" much more accessible. But... I don't think that's gonna happen. People just don't like me.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you might wanna work on that. I like you.
Quinn Fabray: We need to talk.
Rachel Berry: I'll get out of your way.
Quinn Fabray: Nope! You stay. I need a witness. Do you know what this is?
Finn Hudson: Oh. It's just a "past due" notice. My mom gets 'em all the time.
Quinn Fabray: Right. But if this sonogram bill doesn't get paid... it's not your phone that's gonna get cut off. You will get cut off. You need to help me with this, Finn... or else we're gonna go our separate ways.
Finn Hudson: I'm screwed.
Rachel Berry: Not necessarily.



Brittany S. Pierce: I know. I know. I know, I know.
Will Schuester: Hey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, this is amazing.
Santana Lopez: Hi. Puck found his Nana Connie's old recipe. They're addictive. Do you want one?
Will Schuester: No. No, thanks. I don't wanna take one away from a paying customer.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know. Sure.
Will Schuester: Hey, uh... Nice work, buddy.
Santana Lopez: These are so good.



Noah Puckerman: This isn't Nana Connie's old recipe. She couldn't cook at all. She was a diabetic. So the only sweets she had in her house was dried fruit. I knew I had to do something to help Quinn out with our baby. I don't know what kind of stuff you need for a baby that's still in your stomach. Bottles, diapers... That kind of thing, I guess. But my baby mama was gonna get it all. To make sure that happened, I used the two things I know the most about... lying and crime.
Sandy Ryerson: Is there a lot of pain, Noah?
Noah Puckerman: The doctor said the shark fractured my spinal cord.
Sandy Ryerson: This is why I don't go to the aquarium. I'm going to give you as much as you want, 20 cents on the dollar.



Noah Puckerman: I don't put in enough to get you hallucinatin'. Just enough to give you a wicked case of the munchies. That's why they keep coming back for more. Yeah. See? I told you I'd make a great dad.



Sue Sylvester: Faster. Harder! Those better be tears of joy, Becky. Faster! Harder! Okay, stop. Becky, this is terrible.
Becky Jackson: I've tried, Coach. This is really hard.
Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch... and being told that they're going in another direction. That was hard. Hit the showers.
Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach.
Will Schuester: Hi. Sue, you are unbelievable.
Sue Sylvester: And you are a terrible spy. You might try breathing th rough your nose sometime. If you were a sniper... I'd have already radioed in your coordinates, just like in the Falklands.
Will Schuester: I'm not gonna let you bully that girl, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I bully everybody, Will. It's the way I roll.
Will Schuester: Yeah, but this is different. She's not like everybody else.
Sue Sylvester: I want you to listen to what you just said, William. You're asking me to treat this girl differently because she has a disability... when actually, it seems to me she just wants to be treated like everybody else. Why are you doing this?
Will Schuester: Because I know you, and you're up to something.
Sue Sylvester: You don't know the first thing about me.



Finn Hudson: Good luck. I'm rooting for you.
Will Schuester: All right. Welcome to the Glee Club's first official "diva off."
New Directions: Waouh!...
Will Schuester: Let's get this party started!
Kurt Hummel: # something has changed within me #
# something is not the same #
# I'm through with playing by the rules #
# of someone else's game #
# too late for second-guessing #
# too late to go back to sleep #
# it's time to trust my instincts #
# close my eyes and leap... #
Rachel Berry: # it's time to try defying gravity #
# I think I'll try defying gravity... #
Kurt Hummel: # kiss me good-bye, I'm defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down #
# I'm through accepting limits #
# 'cause someone says they're so... #
Rachel Berry: # some things I cannot change #
# but till I try I'll never know... #
Kurt Hummel: # too long I've been afraid of #
# losing love I guess I'd lost... #
Rachel Berry: # well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost... #
Kurt Hummel: # I'd sooner buy defying gravity... #
Rachel Berry: # kiss me good-bye, I'm defying gravity... #
Kurt Hummel: # I think I'll try defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down #
# I'd sooner buy defying gravity... #
Rachel Berry: # kiss me good-buy, I'm defying gravity... #
Kurt Hummel: # I think I'll try defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down... #
Rachel Berry: # bring me down #
# oh, oh, oh, oh... #
Kurt Hummel: # oh. #
Will Schuester: Good job, Kurt. Good job.



Noah Puckerman: Hey, wait up. I cracked open the piggy bank It's for you. Well, it's for "it."
Quinn Fabray: "It" is a she.
Noah Puckerman: Cool. I told you I wasn't a deadbeat.
Quinn Fabray: Look, Puck, this is really sweet, but...
Noah Puckerman: I can get more. People call me a screwup because... I think school's for suckers. But I got ambition. Get us a house, some stuff, furniture. We could be a family.
Quinn Fabray: Finn is your best friend.
Noah Puckerman: He'd be pissed for a while. But then he'd realize he doesn't have to deal with all this. He'd bake me a damn cake.
Quinn Fabray: ... You stole from the cupcake fund.
Noah Puckerman: No, I didn't. Fine. I did. I made all those cupcakes. I'm all about being a team player, but my family comes first.
Quinn Fabray: ...I get it. And... I'm sorry. I should've never called you a Lima loser. You're not. You're special and romantic... and a good enough person to realize that... we are not gonna take money from a friend in a wheelchair.
Finn Hudson: Hey. Here.
Quinn Fabray: What's this?
Finn Hudson: I got a job.



Rachel Berry: Excuse me. Are you the manager?
Manager: Yes.
Rachel Berry: You need to hire my friend Finn. He is clearly "handicapable"... and refusing to hire him could be seen as discrimination. My dads are gay. And unless you want the full force... of the American Civil Liberties Union coming down on you... I'd work something out.



Finn Hudson: Gonna need to stay in my wheelchair as long as I'm working there. But... screw it. It's worth it. Can I give you a lift to rehearsal?



Noah Puckerman: 1,200 bucks. That's enough for the short bus... And two cases of Natty light for the ride home.
Will Schuester: Ah. Dream on, brother.I'm very proud of you guys. Artie. Why don't you bring this to Principal Figgins yourself.
Mercedes Jones: Go, Artie!
Finn Hudson: What's wrong, dude?
Artie Abrams: I really appreciate what you guys did for me. But I'm not the only kid in a wheelchair at this school. And I'm sure there'll be others after I graduate. And I know how important it is for all of us to go to sectionals together... but I think I'd rather just get a ride from my dad... and use this for a handicap ramp in the auditorium.
Will Schuester: Any objections?
Finn Hudson: Well, it sure beats having to carry him in every day.



Will Schuester: You think she has a brain tumor? That can cause erratic behavior.
Principal Figgins: All I know is that she walked in unannounced... and she wrote me a check for three new handicap ramps.
Will Schuester: I just don't get it. I mean, first, putting Becky in Cheerios. Now this. What is her angle?
Principal Figgins: Why ask why? Just enjoy the fact that you're getting your bus after all.



Sue Sylvester: How's she doing?
Nurse: Great. She asks about you. She's been watching you on TV.
Sue Sylvester: I need to get here more often.
Nurse: Oh, you get here plenty.



Nurse: Jean? Your little sister's here to see you.
Jean Sylvester: Hey, Sue!
Sue Sylvester: Hi, honey!
Jean Sylvester: My sister's famous!
Sue Sylvester: You got that right. I got something for you. What's this?
Jean Sylvester: Wow! A pom-pom. Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: That's for you. What do you feel like doing today?
Jean Sylvester: Can we read today?
Sue Sylvester: Look what I have.
Jean Sylvester: Little Red Riding Hood.
Sue Sylvester: Right. Your favorite book. Wanna start at the beginning?
Jean Sylvester: Yes.
Sue Sylvester: All right. You ready?
Jean Sylvester: Ready.
Sue Sylvester: "Once upon a time... there was a little girl who lived in the forest. Whenever she went out, the little girl wore a red riding cloak. So everyone in the village called her Little Red Riding Hood." Right?
Jean Sylvester: Right.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, no! Oh, you're so much faster!
Artie Abrams: You can't keep up.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I can't! This is so hard... No! No, this wasn't fair. You've had eight years of practice.
Artie Abrams: Excelling at wheelchair races is about my only advantage. It's like your stutter. It's mostly just a big hassle.
Tina Cohen-Chang: This has been a really fun date. But... I wanna get out of this chair.
Artie Abrams: Why?
Tina Cohen-Chang: So... I can do this. I have to tell you something. I've been faking it.
Artie Abrams: Faking what?
Tina Cohen-Chang: I don't have a stutter. I pretended to have one in sixth grade because... I didn't wanna give a speech on the Missouri Compromise. I was really shy. And it made people think I was weird, so they left me alone. And it wasn't until I joined Glee Club that I realized... how much I was missing. I don't wanna push people away anymore. You understand what that's like, don't you?
Artie Abrams: No. I don't. I would never try to push people away... 'cause being in a chair kind of does that for you. I thought we had something really important in common.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait. Artie, I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: I am too. I'm sorry now you get to be normal... and I'm gonna be stuck in this chair the rest of my life. And that's not something I can fake.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad. What are you doing?
Burt Hummel: I'm makin' biscuits. What does it look like I'm doing? How'd the tryout go?
Kurt Hummel: They gave the part to Rachel.
Burt Hummel: I knew they were gonna rig it! I'm goin' down to that school and I'm talkin' to Schuester.
Kurt Hummel: I blew the note... . I wanted to lose.
Burt Hummel: Kurt, I stuck my neck out for you, and you go and you throw the game?
Kurt Hummel: Dad. I've known who I was since I was five. I adapted. Being different made me stronger. At the end of the day, it's what's gonna get me out of this cow town. You never had to do that.
Burt Hummel: I can handle myself just fine.
Kurt Hummel: No, you can't. Not about this. That phone call Esternay was just the beginning... especially if I get up in front of a thousand people to sing a girl's song. When I saw you right after you got the call... and you were... so hurt and so upset... it just killed me. I'm not saying I'm gonna hide in the closet. I'm...I'm proud of who I am. I'm just saying that I love you more than I love being a star.
Burt Hummel: You are your mother. You know, she was always the strong one... Look, uh... you wanna help me put a 195 on this bad boy?
Kurt Hummel: Let me change into my coveralls. This sweater's an Alexander McQueen.



New Directions: # rollin' #
# rollin' #
# rollin' on the river #
Finn Hudson: This one's for you, Artie!
Mercedes Jones: # left a good job in the city #
Artie Abrams: # down in the city #
Mercedes & Artie: # working for the man every night and day #
# and I never lost #
# one minute of sleeping #
# I was worrying about the way that things might have been #
# big wheel keep on turning #
Mercedes Jones: # ooh, the proud mary keep on burning #
# and we're rolling #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin', yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Artie Abrams: # so I left a good job in the city #
# working for the man every night and day #
Mercedes Jones: # and I never lost one minute of sleeping #
# worried about the way things might have been #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # big wheel keep on turnin' #
New Directions: # turnin' #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # proud mary keep on burnin' #
New Directions: # burnin' #
# rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Artie Abrams: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
# da, do-do-do #
# da, do-do-do #
# da, do-do-do #
# ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba #
# yeah #
Artie Abrams: # if you come down to the river #
# bet you gonna find some people who live #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # you don't have to worry if you have no money #
# people on the river are happy to give #
Mercedes Jones: # big wheel keep on turnin' #
New Directions: # yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # proud mary keep on burnin' #
New Directions: # burnin' #
# rollin' #
Artie Abrams: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Artie Abrams: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # ba-da, da-ba, yeah, ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba #
Mercedes Jones: # hey! #
Artie Abrams: # yeah! #


Cheerios: Go! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven! One, two, three, four! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven, eight!
Finn Hudson: You shouldn't do this to yourself.
Quinn Fabray: Do what?
Finn Hudson: ... I know how much it hurts to be off the team. You're just torturing yourself watching.
Quinn Fabray: I need a good distraction.
Finn Hudson: From what? $685?
Quinn Fabray: That's how much a sonogram costs. This is just the beginning. There's gonna be more doctors' visits... vitamins, new clothes for when I explode.
Finn Hudson: What are we gonna do?
Quinn Fabray: What are you gonna do?
Finn Hudson: Well, I'm looking for a job. I mean, no one's hiring. I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a busboy.
Quinn Fabray: Somewhere in that pea brain of yours... is a man. Access him and tell him to prove to me that I chose the right guy to have a baby with.
Finn Hudson: I will. I-I'll find a job. Where...Where are you goin'?
Quinn Fabray: You were right. This does hurt too much.
Jacob Ben Israel: My blog has lit up with comments suggesting... you don't have a shot at nationals since you lost Quinn Fabray.
Sue Sylvester: No, the Cheerios are stronger than ever. We're gonna take nationals with this routine. Mediocre! Hit the showers!



Jacob Ben Israel: I have several sources reporting Quinn didn't wanna leave... but you kicked her out because of the pregnancy scandal.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Jacob, this is Ohio, and in order to win... my Cheerios need to appeal to that panel of judges. So if I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout... the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form. They're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force... is going to make the baby's head start crowning. Oh, and by the way, all this... off the record. Probably should've told you that earlier.
Will Schuester: This isn't fair, Figgins.
Principal Figgins: Is it fair that... I have to stop providing the baseball team with protective cups? I only get a certain amount of dollars a year to spend, William.
Will Schuester: Yeah, but Artie...
Principal Figgins: ...He's used to overcoming challenges. He'll just have to find his own ride to sectionals. That "handicapable" bus costs $600 a week to rent. We can't afford it.
Will Schuester: Oh! But there's enough money in the budget... to fly the Cheerios all over the country for their competitions?
Principal Figgins: Sue Sylvester has boosters that write fat checks. None of her travel expenses come out of the school budget.
Will Schuester: Look. When I was in the Glee Club... the best part of the competitions was the bus ride to the event. It was about camaraderie and supporting each other.
Principal Figgins: You think I feel good about this?
Will Schuester: Well, my students won't stand for it.
Principal Figgins: That's very moving, but my hands are tied, Schue. If you want that bus, you're gonna have to find a way to pay for it yourself.



Quinn Fabray: What about Target?
Finn Hudson: Tried. Not hiring.
Quinn Fabray: Another doctor bill came to my parents' house last night, Finn. We're lucky that I'm clever and intercepted it. But we have to start paying these doctors' bills... or they're gonna go to a collection agency. And then my parents are gonna find out that I'm with child... your child.
Will Schuester: All right, guys. We're doin' a new number for sectionals. I know that pop songs have sort of been our signature pieces. But I did a little research on past winners, and it turns out that the judges like songs that are more accessible. Stuff they know. Uh, standards, Broadway.
Kurt Hummel: "Defying Gravity"? I have an iPod shuffle... dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing.
Will Schuester: Think you can handle it, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: It's my go-to shower song. It's also my ringtone.
Mercedes Jones: Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.
Will Schuester: Okay. We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. Rachel is singing it. Don't worry. We'll find something for you to dip in chocolate. On to item two. The school won't pay for the special bus we need... to take Artie and his wheelchair with us to sectionals.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh...Wh...What?
Rachel Berry: That's completely unfair.
Will Schuester: So, we're gonna have to raise money to pay for it ourselves. See, when I was in Glee Club and we needed new silk cummerbunds for regionals... we held a bake sale.
Santana Lopez: Wait. You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of "bougie."
Will Schuester: So hip people stopped eating delicious sugary treats?
Brittany S. Pierce: It's not that. It's most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.
Rachel Berry: My family's fully committed to takeout.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, Mr. Schue. Kids are busier than when you went here. We've got homework and football and teen pregnancy, lunch.
Mercedes Jones: Can't Artie's dad just take him?
Will Schuester: I can't believe how insensitive you're all being. Are you a team?
Quinn Fabray: Of course. But Artie understands. Don't you, Artie?
Artie Abrams: Of...Of course. It...It's cool. I mean, anything that takes away our time from rehearsing doesn't serve as a team.
Will Schuester: Let me help you out, buddy.
Artie Abrams: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Hey, I'm really sorry about how they all reacted, Artie.
Artie Abrams: It's okay. I'm used to it. They just... don't get it. Can I use the auditorium this afternoon to rehearse, Mr. Schue? Some of the band equipment's in there.
Will Schuester: Sure.



Artie Abrams: # on the floor of tokyo-o #
# or down in london town to go-o #
# with the record selection with the mirror reflection #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# when there's no one else in sight #
# in a crowded lonely ni-ight #
# well, I wait so long for my love vibration #
# and I'm dancing with myself #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# well, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# and I'll be dancing with myself #
# if I looked all over the world #
# and there's every type of gi-irl #
# but your empty eyes seem to pass me by #
# and leave me dancing with myself #
# so let's sink another drink #
# 'cause it'll give me time to thi-ink #
# if I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance #
# and I'll be dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# I'll be dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# and I'll be dancing with myself. #



Kurt Hummel: I have something I'd like to say. I wanna audition for the Wicked solo.
Will Schuester: Kurt, there's a high "F" in it.
Kurt Hummel: That's well within my range.
Will Schuester: Well, I think Rachel's gonna be fine for the female lead. But I'm happy to have you try out something else, Kurt. And we'll make sure that it's got a killer high note.
Mercedes Jones: You tried.
Will Schuester: Anyway... I wanted to say something to you guys. I was a little disappointed at how you were all so willing... to take the bus together to sectionals... and make Artie drive by himself with his dad. We're a team, guys. We're in this Glee Club together.
Mercedes Jones: Artie doesn't care. His dad drives him everywhere.
Artie Abrams: I do care. That kind of hurt my feelings.
Rachel Berry: We didn't think you would take it personally.
Artie Abrams: Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.
Will Schuester: I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder... Artie has to work just to keep up.
Artie Abrams: Preach.
Will Schuester: We're riding to sectionals together... or we're not going at all. And to pay for the bus, we're having a bake sale. St. Ignatius nursing home was having a tag sale. And my A.V. Club friends here agreed to help out. For the next week, each of you is going to spend... three hours a day in a wheelchair. And we're doing a wheelchair number.



Noah Puckerman: I didn't even know we had a home ec room. What's all this?
Quinn Fabray: Ingredients for cupcakes... for the stupid bake sale. What's this?
Noah Puckerman: It's what I had left over from my pool cleaning money... after I bought dip and nunchakus. I was getting that you kind of need money... for our kid.
Quinn Fabray: For my kid. Eighteen dollars.
Noah Puckerman: How much has Finn given you?
Quinn Fabray: Just stop. I told you before. I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk. I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.
Noah Puckerman: It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a Mohawk.
Quinn Fabray: You are such an egghead.
Noah Puckerman: I'm not. Oh. Ok. Ok... Ah!...
Quinn Fabray: No... That was perfectly measured! There you go. Oh!
Noah Puckerman: No... Come on. Oh!
Finn Hudson: What the hell?
Quinn Fabray: We're baking.
Finn Hudson: I can see that.
Noah Puckerman: I'm gonna go change.



Burt Hummel: Where's my jelly cream center?
Kurt Hummel: Sorry, Dad. I must've forgotten.
Burt Hummel: What's up with your brain today? You know, I think it's goin' soft from all that crap you put in your hair.
Kurt Hummel: It's organic, and I'm fine. I'm sorry. It's a Glee Club thing.
Burt Hummel: It's not about a guy, is it? Because I'm not ready to have that conversation.
Kurt Hummel: Well, at least you don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant. It's not a guy. We're doing this amazing song for sectionals... a personal favorite of mine, and Mr. Schuester won't give me a chance to sing it.
Burt Hummel: Why?
Kurt Hummel: It's traditionally sung by a girl.
Burt Hummel: Well, you sing like a girl. You know, in a good way. Look, Kurt. I don't know how this music stuff works. I'm pretty exclusively committed to my Mellencamp collection, but... isn't there more crossover nowadays? You know, chicks doin' construction? Guys wearin' dress shoes with no socks? Didn't that girl from your high school just join the boys' wrestling team?



Lauren Zizes: Yes! Whoo!



Kurt Hummel: Yes, but her parents had to sue the school.
Burt Hummel: This is really gettin' you down, isn't it?
Kurt Hummel: I'm... full of ennui.
Burt Hummel: So it's... really getting you down?
Kurt Hummel: Yes.



Burt Hummel: You can't discriminate against my kid because of his sex... religion, political affiliation... or the fact that he's queer as a three-dollar bill. And I won't accept it.
Principal Figgins: This isn't academics or athletics, Mr. Hummel. It's an arts program, and Mr. Schuester's judgments are subjective.
Burt Hummel: You put on a blindfold and listen to my kid sing... and you will swear you're hearing Ronnie Spector.
Will Schuester: Wait...
Burt Hummel: Don't try to backpedal on this, Schuester.
Will Schuester: I was just going to agree with you.



Will Schuester: I know this is gonna be hard on you, Rachel... but I can't in good conscience preach about the importance of helping Artie... and then reject Kurt's request out of hand.
Rachel Berry: So you're giving him my part?
Will Schuester: Now, I can't just give him the part. That would be just as wrong. But I can let him audition.



Burt Hummel: What do you mean, like a tryout? All right, that seems fair.



Rachel Berry: This is totally unfair. You gave me the part.
Will Schuester: And I will give it to you again if you can sing the song better than Kurt.



Burt Hummel: Okay, this seems like a reasonable deal. But how do I know this isn't just some show... to stop me from takin' a flamethrower to this place? Who's gonna judge?



Will Schuester: Now, all of you are gonna judge. And in the spirit of full access, each of you is going to get a vote. Whatever singer has the most votes gets the part.
Rachel Berry: This isn't gonna be about talent, Mr. Schuester. It's gonna be a popularity contest.
Kurt Hummel: Stop right there. Mr. Schue, if I may? We all know I'm more popular than Rachel. And I dress better than her. But I want you all to promise me that you're going to vote for whoever sings the song better. Raise your right hand. Your right hand, Brittany.
Santana Lopez: It's this one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Sorry.
Kurt Hummel: Repeat after me. I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.
New Directions: I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.
Will Schuester: Good luck.
Kurt Hummel: It's on.
Will Schuester: All right, guys.
Rachel Berry: Maybe one of these days, you'll find a way... to create teaching moments without ruining my life.



Principal Figgins: Schue, I saw all your kids in their wheelchairs, and I was very impressed.
Will Schuester: Well, thank you, Principal Figgins. But actually... it's made me realize that there's only one wheelchair entrance in this school... and it's all the way in the far end of campus. McKinley needs ramps.
Sue Sylvester: No way. Those are what I call "lazy makers." They discourage our able-bodied students... from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs.
Will Schuester: What is she doing here?
Sue Sylvester: Yes. What am I doing here? I have a Cheerios routine to polis that's gonna clinch us nationals.
Principal Figgins: I brought you two in here because both of you have a point. Handicapped ramps are expensive, but inspiration is free. Will, I'm so inspired by your stunt... that I'm insisting that Miss Sylvester do the same with the Cheerios.
Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?
Principal Figgins: Cheerios is not accessible, Sue. It's by invitation only. I want to see a squad that reflets our community's diversity. Now, Glee Club held open auditions.
Sue Sylvester: And everyone got in.
Principal Figgins: Now that Quinn Fabray is off the squad... you will hold open auditions to fill her slot. And Mr. Schuester will monitor them to make sure that they're fair to all.
Sue Sylvester: Okay, let me break this down for you here. There comes a point when you've gotta stop seeing people for what they look like... and ask them to show you what they can do. And as soon as a cheerleader rolls herself out onto the field in a wheelchair... she becomes decidedly less effective at cheering people up. It's just a fact.
Principal Figgins: No, Sue. The fact is, you've never given other students the fair shake that they deserve. I'm asking you to try itWhat do you have to lose? Maybe somebody at the school will surprise you.



Finn Hudson: Cupcake? Cupcakes suck. That's why we're not selling any.
Quinn Fabray: It's not about the cupcakes. It's about us. Nobody wants to buy from losers. We're in Glee Club and in wheelchairs.
Noah Puckerman: She has a point. Six months ago... I could've sold 50 of these things on fear alone.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, my God. What is she doing?
Finn Hudson: I actually think they're kind of friends.
Noah Puckerman: Brittany's always cheating off her test papers in math class.
Brittany S. Pierce: See so many? And look how pretty they are, Becky.
Becky Jackson: Wow!
Santana Lopez: Brittany, you're supposed to be in your wheelchair.
Brittany S. Pierce: I lost it.
Becky Jackson: Are you a cheerleader? It's so cool.
Brittany S. Pierce: So is buying a cupcake. That's really cool.
Becky Jackson: But I don't have any money.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's okay. I have some.
Santana Lopez: Thank you.
Becky Jackson: Thanks.
Brittany S. Pierce: So how much do we have now?
Finn Hudson: Well, with this one dollar, we have one dollar.
Quinn Fabray: This is ridiculous.
Finn Hudson: Maybe if we put a jellybean or somthing on top, we'd sell more.
Quinn Fabray: Are you an idiot? How am I supposed to trust you to take care of our baby... when you can't even figure out how to sell a damn cupcake?
Finn Hudson: Stop attacking me. I'm sick of it.
Quinn Fabray: Get a job.
Finn Hudson: I'm fine!



Sue Sylvester: I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here.
Will Schuester: You just call a name. They come in and try out. Just give 'em a chance to express themselves.
Sue Sylvester: I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.
Mercedes Jones: McKinley! Hey, hey! McKinley!
Sue Sylvester: No... No... You're not serious, are you? Tell me you're not serious. No! No friggin' way, Jacob. ...Freak? Okay, I've been at this for an hour. That's all I promised.
Will Schuester: Sue, there's just one more person on the list. Give her a shot.
Sue Sylvester: Becky Johnson.
Will Schuester: Jackson.
Sue Sylvester: Jackson.
Will Schuester: Be nice, Sue.
Becky Jackson: I heard that you do a routine with jump ropes. I wanted to show you what I could do.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, I'm gonna stop you right there. You're in. Be at practice tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. Congratulations.
Will Schuester: What are you up to, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I'm just following orders, Will. I'm doing what I was told. And I found myself a brand-new Cheerio.
Will Schuester: You're up to something. I don't like this, Sue.



Noah Puckerman: I'm just saying, she has a point. You are kind of an idiot.
Finn Hudson: Nice support, dude. Whatever happened to "bros before ho's"?
Noah Puckerman: You've got a baby on the way, bro, and you haven't done spit to take care of it.
Finn Hudson: Like you'd do any different?
Noah Puckerman: Damn straight.
Finn Hudson: How? Nobody's hiring.
Noah Puckerman: Sell your Xbox. Rob a bank. Go all Robin Hood on this joint. Whatever it takes. All I ever hear is you whining and crying about how hard this is on you. What about her?
Finn Hudson: Dude, you are so out of line. You don't know what I'm dealing with.
Noah Puckerman: All I know is that you're a punk who dosent deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend!
Finn Hudson: You're a punk!
Will Schuester: Hey, hey! Break it up! Break it up! Come on! Hey...
Noah Puckerman: He started it!
Will Schuester: I don't care! Now. You...You guys are best friends. What the hell's goin' on?
Noah Puckerman: I'm just really stressed about the bake sale. I really like Artie, okay?
Will Schuester: ...You okay?



Artie Abrams: The key to a double turn is to just go for it. You push with the right wheel, and pull as hard as you can with the left... and find a spot on the wall to spot you so you don't get dizzy.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys. Uh, take five, all right? Oh! Remember to show up early on Thursday. It's Rachel versus Kurt for the big solo.
New Directions: Whou!...
Artie Abrams: Careful. Respect the chair.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I really admire you, Artie. I had no idea how difficult this was.
Artie Abrams: It's just like you with your stutter. You don't really notice it after a while.
Tina Cohen-Chang: H...H...How did it happen? You don't talk about it.
Artie Abrams: My mom and I got in a really bad car accident when I was eight. And she was fine, but I've been in the chair ever since. But I wanna be very clear. I still have the use of my penis. Oh, God.



Burt Hummel: Excuse me a second. Hummel Tires and Lube.
Man: Allo.
Burt Hummel: Yep. Who's this?
Man: Your son's a fag.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad.
Burt Hummel: What the hell is wrong with this machine?
Kurt Hummel: I hit it... the high "F." The magical note I need for "Defying Gravity." I hit it. It means I'm gonna win.
Burt Hummel: That's great... Good for you. Just how long until the damn coffee's ready?
Kurt Hummel: What's going on?
Burt Hummel: I got a phone call this morning. The anonymous kind. It was some dude telling me my son was a fag.
Kurt Hummel: Oh. Well, that's not a big deal. I get that all the time.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, but I don't... . Now, look, Kurt. I try to do right by you. You know, open some doors. What father wouldn't do that for his kid? And I know it's good for you... to be out there with... with all this Glee Club stuff. I just... I don't want you to get hurt.
Kurt Hummel: So you don't want me to audition for the solo?
Burt Hummel: No, no. Let me be clear, all right? No one pushes the Hummels around, especially cowards on the phone. Sometimes, I just... I wish your mom was still around, you know?... She was better at... you know, handlin' this kind of thing. You know, handlin' me. Look, congrats on, uh... you know, the cool "A" or the high "C" or, you know, whatever it was.
Kurt Hummel: High "F."
Burt Hummel: Yeah.



Finn Hudson: There's your problem. You just had a bent push rim. Good as new.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn. You're the only one who was willing to help me. I'm really nervous about the "diva off" tomorrow.
Finn Hudson: Don't be.
Rachel Berry: You know, I don't wanna win out of charity. I wanna win the solo because it's right for the club. I really think that the judges at sectionals... will find a female version of "Defying Gravity" much more accessible. But... I don't think that's gonna happen. People just don't like me.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, you might wanna work on that. I like you.
Quinn Fabray: We need to talk.
Rachel Berry: I'll get out of your way.
Quinn Fabray: Nope! You stay. I need a witness. Do you know what this is?
Finn Hudson: Oh. It's just a "past due" notice. My mom gets 'em all the time.
Quinn Fabray: Right. But if this sonogram bill doesn't get paid... it's not your phone that's gonna get cut off. You will get cut off. You need to help me with this, Finn... or else we're gonna go our separate ways.
Finn Hudson: I'm screwed.
Rachel Berry: Not necessarily.



Brittany S. Pierce: I know. I know. I know, I know.
Will Schuester: Hey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, this is amazing.
Santana Lopez: Hi. Puck found his Nana Connie's old recipe. They're addictive. Do you want one?
Will Schuester: No. No, thanks. I don't wanna take one away from a paying customer.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know. Sure.
Will Schuester: Hey, uh... Nice work, buddy.
Santana Lopez: These are so good.



Noah Puckerman: This isn't Nana Connie's old recipe. She couldn't cook at all. She was a diabetic. So the only sweets she had in her house was dried fruit. I knew I had to do something to help Quinn out with our baby. I don't know what kind of stuff you need for a baby that's still in your stomach. Bottles, diapers... That kind of thing, I guess. But my baby mama was gonna get it all. To make sure that happened, I used the two things I know the most about... lying and crime.
Sandy Ryerson: Is there a lot of pain, Noah?
Noah Puckerman: The doctor said the shark fractured my spinal cord.
Sandy Ryerson: This is why I don't go to the aquarium. I'm going to give you as much as you want, 20 cents on the dollar.



Noah Puckerman: I don't put in enough to get you hallucinatin'. Just enough to give you a wicked case of the munchies. That's why they keep coming back for more. Yeah. See? I told you I'd make a great dad.



Sue Sylvester: Faster. Harder! Those better be tears of joy, Becky. Faster! Harder! Okay, stop. Becky, this is terrible.
Becky Jackson: I've tried, Coach. This is really hard.
Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch... and being told that they're going in another direction. That was hard. Hit the showers.
Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach.
Will Schuester: Hi. Sue, you are unbelievable.
Sue Sylvester: And you are a terrible spy. You might try breathing th rough your nose sometime. If you were a sniper... I'd have already radioed in your coordinates, just like in the Falklands.
Will Schuester: I'm not gonna let you bully that girl, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I bully everybody, Will. It's the way I roll.
Will Schuester: Yeah, but this is different. She's not like everybody else.
Sue Sylvester: I want you to listen to what you just said, William. You're asking me to treat this girl differently because she has a disability... when actually, it seems to me she just wants to be treated like everybody else. Why are you doing this?
Will Schuester: Because I know you, and you're up to something.
Sue Sylvester: You don't know the first thing about me.



Finn Hudson: Good luck. I'm rooting for you.
Will Schuester: All right. Welcome to the Glee Club's first official "diva off."
New Directions: Waouh!...
Will Schuester: Let's get this party started!
Kurt Hummel: # something has changed within me #
# something is not the same #
# I'm through with playing by the rules #
# of someone else's game #
# too late for second-guessing #
# too late to go back to sleep #
# it's time to trust my instincts #
# close my eyes and leap... #
Rachel Berry: # it's time to try defying gravity #
# I think I'll try defying gravity... #
Kurt Hummel: # kiss me good-bye, I'm defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down #
# I'm through accepting limits #
# 'cause someone says they're so... #
Rachel Berry: # some things I cannot change #
# but till I try I'll never know... #
Kurt Hummel: # too long I've been afraid of #
# losing love I guess I'd lost... #
Rachel Berry: # well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost... #
Kurt Hummel: # I'd sooner buy defying gravity... #
Rachel Berry: # kiss me good-bye, I'm defying gravity... #
Kurt Hummel: # I think I'll try defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down #
# I'd sooner buy defying gravity... #
Rachel Berry: # kiss me good-buy, I'm defying gravity... #
Kurt Hummel: # I think I'll try defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down... #
Rachel Berry: # bring me down #
# oh, oh, oh, oh... #
Kurt Hummel: # oh. #
Will Schuester: Good job, Kurt. Good job.



Noah Puckerman: Hey, wait up. I cracked open the piggy bank It's for you. Well, it's for "it."
Quinn Fabray: "It" is a she.
Noah Puckerman: Cool. I told you I wasn't a deadbeat.
Quinn Fabray: Look, Puck, this is really sweet, but...
Noah Puckerman: I can get more. People call me a screwup because... I think school's for suckers. But I got ambition. Get us a house, some stuff, furniture. We could be a family.
Quinn Fabray: Finn is your best friend.
Noah Puckerman: He'd be pissed for a while. But then he'd realize he doesn't have to deal with all this. He'd bake me a damn cake.
Quinn Fabray: ... You stole from the cupcake fund.
Noah Puckerman: No, I didn't. Fine. I did. I made all those cupcakes. I'm all about being a team player, but my family comes first.
Quinn Fabray: ...I get it. And... I'm sorry. I should've never called you a Lima loser. You're not. You're special and romantic... and a good enough person to realize that... we are not gonna take money from a friend in a wheelchair.
Finn Hudson: Hey. Here.
Quinn Fabray: What's this?
Finn Hudson: I got a job.



Rachel Berry: Excuse me. Are you the manager?
Manager: Yes.
Rachel Berry: You need to hire my friend Finn. He is clearly "handicapable"... and refusing to hire him could be seen as discrimination. My dads are gay. And unless you want the full force... of the American Civil Liberties Union coming down on you... I'd work something out.



Finn Hudson: Gonna need to stay in my wheelchair as long as I'm working there. But... screw it. It's worth it. Can I give you a lift to rehearsal?



Noah Puckerman: 1,200 bucks. That's enough for the short bus... And two cases of Natty light for the ride home.
Will Schuester: Ah. Dream on, brother.I'm very proud of you guys. Artie. Why don't you bring this to Principal Figgins yourself.
Mercedes Jones: Go, Artie!
Finn Hudson: What's wrong, dude?
Artie Abrams: I really appreciate what you guys did for me. But I'm not the only kid in a wheelchair at this school. And I'm sure there'll be others after I graduate. And I know how important it is for all of us to go to sectionals together... but I think I'd rather just get a ride from my dad... and use this for a handicap ramp in the auditorium.
Will Schuester: Any objections?
Finn Hudson: Well, it sure beats having to carry him in every day.



Will Schuester: You think she has a brain tumor? That can cause erratic behavior.
Principal Figgins: All I know is that she walked in unannounced... and she wrote me a check for three new handicap ramps.
Will Schuester: I just don't get it. I mean, first, putting Becky in Cheerios. Now this. What is her angle?
Principal Figgins: Why ask why? Just enjoy the fact that you're getting your bus after all.



Sue Sylvester: How's she doing?
Nurse: Great. She asks about you. She's been watching you on TV.
Sue Sylvester: I need to get here more often.
Nurse: Oh, you get here plenty.



Nurse: Jean? Your little sister's here to see you.
Jean Sylvester: Hey, Sue!
Sue Sylvester: Hi, honey!
Jean Sylvester: My sister's famous!
Sue Sylvester: You got that right. I got something for you. What's this?
Jean Sylvester: Wow! A pom-pom. Thank you.
Sue Sylvester: That's for you. What do you feel like doing today?
Jean Sylvester: Can we read today?
Sue Sylvester: Look what I have.
Jean Sylvester: Little Red Riding Hood.
Sue Sylvester: Right. Your favorite book. Wanna start at the beginning?
Jean Sylvester: Yes.
Sue Sylvester: All right. You ready?
Jean Sylvester: Ready.
Sue Sylvester: "Once upon a time... there was a little girl who lived in the forest. Whenever she went out, the little girl wore a red riding cloak. So everyone in the village called her Little Red Riding Hood." Right?
Jean Sylvester: Right.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, no! Oh, you're so much faster!
Artie Abrams: You can't keep up.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I can't! This is so hard... No! No, this wasn't fair. You've had eight years of practice.
Artie Abrams: Excelling at wheelchair races is about my only advantage. It's like your stutter. It's mostly just a big hassle.
Tina Cohen-Chang: This has been a really fun date. But... I wanna get out of this chair.
Artie Abrams: Why?
Tina Cohen-Chang: So... I can do this. I have to tell you something. I've been faking it.
Artie Abrams: Faking what?
Tina Cohen-Chang: I don't have a stutter. I pretended to have one in sixth grade because... I didn't wanna give a speech on the Missouri Compromise. I was really shy. And it made people think I was weird, so they left me alone. And it wasn't until I joined Glee Club that I realized... how much I was missing. I don't wanna push people away anymore. You understand what that's like, don't you?
Artie Abrams: No. I don't. I would never try to push people away... 'cause being in a chair kind of does that for you. I thought we had something really important in common.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait. Artie, I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: I am too. I'm sorry now you get to be normal... and I'm gonna be stuck in this chair the rest of my life. And that's not something I can fake.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad. What are you doing?
Burt Hummel: I'm makin' biscuits. What does it look like I'm doing? How'd the tryout go?
Kurt Hummel: They gave the part to Rachel.
Burt Hummel: I knew they were gonna rig it! I'm goin' down to that school and I'm talkin' to Schuester.
Kurt Hummel: I blew the note... . I wanted to lose.
Burt Hummel: Kurt, I stuck my neck out for you, and you go and you throw the game?
Kurt Hummel: Dad. I've known who I was since I was five. I adapted. Being different made me stronger. At the end of the day, it's what's gonna get me out of this cow town. You never had to do that.
Burt Hummel: I can handle myself just fine.
Kurt Hummel: No, you can't. Not about this. That phone call Esternay was just the beginning... especially if I get up in front of a thousand people to sing a girl's song. When I saw you right after you got the call... and you were... so hurt and so upset... it just killed me. I'm not saying I'm gonna hide in the closet. I'm...I'm proud of who I am. I'm just saying that I love you more than I love being a star.
Burt Hummel: You are your mother. You know, she was always the strong one... Look, uh... you wanna help me put a 195 on this bad boy?
Kurt Hummel: Let me change into my coveralls. This sweater's an Alexander McQueen.



New Directions: # rollin' #
# rollin' #
# rollin' on the river #
Finn Hudson: This one's for you, Artie!
Mercedes Jones: # left a good job in the city #
Artie Abrams: # down in the city #
Mercedes & Artie: # working for the man every night and day #
# and I never lost #
# one minute of sleeping #
# I was worrying about the way that things might have been #
# big wheel keep on turning #
Mercedes Jones: # ooh, the proud mary keep on burning #
# and we're rolling #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin', yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Artie Abrams: # so I left a good job in the city #
# working for the man every night and day #
Mercedes Jones: # and I never lost one minute of sleeping #
# worried about the way things might have been #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # big wheel keep on turnin' #
New Directions: # turnin' #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # proud mary keep on burnin' #
New Directions: # burnin' #
# rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Artie Abrams: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
# da, do-do-do #
# da, do-do-do #
# da, do-do-do #
# ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba #
# yeah #
Artie Abrams: # if you come down to the river #
# bet you gonna find some people who live #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # you don't have to worry if you have no money #
# people on the river are happy to give #
Mercedes Jones: # big wheel keep on turnin' #
New Directions: # yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # proud mary keep on burnin' #
New Directions: # burnin' #
# rollin' #
Artie Abrams: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Artie Abrams: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #
New Directions: # rollin' #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
Mercedes Jones: # rollin' on the river #
New Directions: # ba-da, da-ba, yeah, ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba #
Mercedes Jones: # hey! #
Artie Abrams: # yeah! #
外部リンク
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110. Ballad

放送日:2009年11月18日


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed last week: Quinn's pregnant, and Puck's the father, but everybody thinks it's Finn.
Noah Puckerman: You're a punk who doesn't deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend.
Ian Brennan: Except for Quinn's parents, who don't know anything... at all. They just know she's in the Celibacy Club.
Noah Puckerman: Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another immaculate conception.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on... Glee.



Will Schuester: Ballad. From Middle English, balade. Who knows what this word means?
Brittany S. Pierce: It's a male duck.
Will Schuester: Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: A ballad is a love song.
Will Schuester: Sometimes, but they don't always express love. Ballads are stories set to music— which is why they're the perfect storm of self-expression. Stories and music are the way we express feelings that we can't get out any other way. Okay, now, sectionals are in a few weeks and there's a new rule this year— we have to perform... a ballad.
Rachel Berry: Looks like my weekly letter to the Ohio Show Choir Committee finally paid off!
Will Schuester: Okay. So here's our assignment for the week: I'm going to pair you off, and I want you to pick a ballad to sing to your partner. Look them right in the eye, find the emotion you want to express, and make them feel it.
Finn Hudson: I pick Quinn.
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Too easy. Your partners will be chosen by fate.
New Directions: Ooh!
Will Schuester: Ooh, yeah. I put all your names in this hat. Whoever you choose is your partner.
Brittany S. Pierce: I bet the duck's in the hat.
Santana Lopez: But Matt's out sick today. He had to go to the hospital, 'cause they found a spider in his ear.
Will Schuester: Um... I guess I'll just have to put my name in the hat for now. Who's up first?
Mercedes Jones: Mercedes.
Will Schuester: All right.
Artie Abrams: Quinn.
Finn Hudson: Kurt. Mr. Schue, I don't know if I can do this with another guy.
Will Schuester: The fates have spoken, Finn.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Other Asian.
Santana Lopez: Brittany.
Man: How fitting.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yay!
Man: No way.
Rachel Berry: Looks like I get you, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Uh... You know what? Maybe we should just wait until Matt gets back.
Finn Hudson: The fates talked, Mr. Schue.
Artie Abrams: Would you mind clarifying what kinds of songs you want us to sing?
Rachel Berry: Why don't you let Mr. Schuester and I demonstrate. Brad, "Endless Love" in B-flat, please. It's my favorite duet.
Will Schuester: I really don't think that's an appropriate song, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Why? It's a great song, and it's a perfect ballad.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I really like that song, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: # My love... #
Kurt Hummel: I could totally sing this song with Finn. But screw him if he's thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me.
Will Schuester: # The only thing that's right... #
Noah Puckerman: I love the days when I don't wear underwear.
Rachel Berry: # My first love... #
Finn Hudson: I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is. Oh, crap, I think Quinn knows I'm staring at it.
Rachel Berry: # You're every breath that I take #
# You're every step I make #
Will Schuester: # And I #
Rachel Berry: # I #
Will Schuester: # I want to share #
Rachel & Will: # All my love with you #
Will Schuester: # No one else will do #
Rachel Berry: # And your eyes #
Will Schuester: # Your eyes, your eyes #
Rachel & Will: # They tell me how much you care #
# Oh, yeah... #
Rachel Berry: Wow. I've never noticed this before, because he's always trying to destroy my career, but Mr. Schue has really pretty eyes.
Rachel & Will: # My endless love... #
Rachel Berry: And really nice teeth. He's obviously invested in good oral hygiene, and that's important to me. It shows wonderful self-esteem.
Rachel & Will: # I'll be that fool #
# For you #
# I'm sure #
Will Schuester: I don't like the way she's looking at me. Oh, I shouldn't have sung this song to her. Crap! She looks crazy right now. I know this look.
Rachel & Will: # Yes #
# You'll be the only one #
Rachel Berry: # Oh #
Will Schuester: # 'Cause no #
Rachel & Will: # No one can't deny #
# This love I have inside #
# And I'll give it all to you #
Will Schuester: # My love #
Rachel Berry: # My love, my love #
Rachel & Will: # My endless love. #
Rachel Berry: Okay, this is amazing. When I'm singing with him, it's like I'm seeing him for the first time. And what I'm seeing is super... super cute.
Will Schuester: Okay. Something like that.



Judy Fabray: Sweetie, I'm so proud of you. The Chastity Ball is so important to your father.
Quinn Fabray: God, I miss the firm support of my polyester Cheerios uniform! The control panel hid my baby bump perfectly.
Judy Fabray: That's odd. We had this custom-made a month ago.
Quinn Fabray: I had a really big lunch today at school. Really big tacos.
Judy Fabray: No worries, sweetie. I'll just take it down to the tailor tomorrow. We'll let it out a little bit. The problem here, honey, is, you know, I just don't think you've been getting enough exercise ever since you quit the Cheerios. Am I right?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Yeah. That's right.
Judy Fabray: I mean, you used to spend hours every day doing backflips and high kicks, and now, I mean, now you spend all your free time sitting on a stool in the dark singing show tunes. Do you know how many calories you burn singing? Hmm? Not very many.
Russel Fabray: Judy! Glenn Beck is on! Oh! Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
Judy Fabray: He's so...
Russel Fabray: Oh, I don't want to see!
Quinn Fabray: Daddy, it's not like we're getting married.
Russel Fabray: I don't wanna... Oh. Oh, look at you. Speaking of getting married, how's that boy you've been dating?
Judy Fabray: Yeah. Yeah. He's not, uh, pressuring you at all, is he?
Quinn Fabray: No! No, he's a gentleman.
Russel Fabray: I'm glad to hear that.
Judy Fabray: Mm-hmm.
Russel Fabray: That's why I'm inviting him over for dinner on Sunday.
Judy Fabray: Oh! Wonderful.
Russel Fabray: Refresher?
Judy Fabray: Honey, I don't want you to lift a finger for me. Tsk. I'm your wife.
Russel Fabray: My little lemon drop.
Judy Fabray: Oh!
Russel Fabray: I gotta go catch Glenn.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Rachel Berry: I just wanted to confirm that we're set to rehearse our ballad at 4:00 sharp this afternoon.
Will Schuester: Oh. Isn't Matt back yet?
Rachel Berry: No, it's just... You and me, all week long.
Will Schuester: Great. Well... I'll see you at 4:00. Is there something else?
Rachel Berry: I just wanted to give you this. Open it. Gold stars are kind of my signature thing. I figure every time you wear it, you can think of me and the star you're helping me become.



Will Schuester: It's happening... again. It always starts with a novelty gift.
Emma Pillsbury: I mean, you can't blame her, Will. I mean, if we were going to rank crushworthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet. Uh... Well, I... When did, when did this start with Rachel?
Will Schuester: We sang a duet in Glee Club— "Endless Love."
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, in hindsight, that was probably a mistake.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I can't handle going through this again.
Emma Pillsbury: Sorry, going through, um, going through what again?
Will Schuester: Have I ever told you about... Suzy Pepper?



Will Schuester: So the alpacas start there and, uh, travel down towards Guatemala. Suzy Pepper wasn't the first schoolgirl crush, but she was the hardest. It happened about two years ago, before you were a teacher here. Suzy was... unique.
Suzy Pepper: Mr. Schue, how do you conjugate the verb... to love? Peppers. So you can wear them and think of me— Suzy Pepper.
Will Schuester: I thought it would burn out like the others, but it only got worse.



Will Schuester: Hello?
Terri Schuester: Who is it? Who died?
Will Schuester: Suzy Pepper?
Suzy Pepper: You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath. That's so romantic.
Terri Schuester: Listen, you little psycho, this is Will's wife. And if I don't get enough sleep, my anti-depressants won't work, and then I'll go crazy and I'll kill you.
Will Schuester: Terri...
Terri Schuester: Stop calling! Can't you handle anything, Will?



Will Schuester: Terri was right— or so I thought. I decided to be honest with Suzy, face this head-on.



Emma Pillsbury: Okay. How'd that go?


# How easy #
# It would be to show me how you feel #
# More than words #
# Is all you have to do to make it real #
# Then you wouldn't have to say #
# That you... #


Will Schuester: It was the world's hottest pepper. She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, gosh. What happened to her?
Will Schuester: Well, the ambulance arrived just in time.The pepper burned holes in her esophagus. And she was in a medically induced coma for three days. That's why I can't just tell Rachel to back off. These girls are too fragile.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Okay. How about this? Why don't you take your own advice. Right? Do what you told the kids to do.If you're... If you're feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel, then why don't you, um, you know, sing it to her? Let her down gently. And don't wear that tie.
Will Schuester: Yeah.



Kurt Hummel: Sing to me everything you feel.
Finn Hudson: Okay. Uh... I can't. I can't. I can't sing to a dude.
Kurt Hummel: You have to try.
Finn Hudson: I can't, okay! I can't! I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not.
Kurt Hummel: Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.
Finn Hudson: Dude, I'm sorry. You're really awesome, Kurt. I... I'm just under a load of crap right now.
Kurt Hummel: Girls.They're your problem. They're up, they're down. Girls.
Finn Hudson: It's the baby. She's my daughter, and... there's so many things I want to say to her, and I'm never going to be able to.
Kurt Hummel: Like what?
Finn Hudson: Well... Like how I don't want her to think that her father just abandoned her. How I would do anything for her. How, no matter what I do, I'm always thinking about her. How I'm going to spend my whole life loving her, and she's never even going to know.
Kurt Hummel: You got to let it out.
Finn Hudson: How?
Kurt Hummel: By singing. "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders. It's in your wheelhouse, and I know you know it from the radio because it's a classic. And you do well with the classics, especially in the soft rock mode.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I do like that song, but... How is it going to make me feel better again?
Kurt Hummel: By singing it out. To the audience. Imagine your little girl sitting there. Thank God I never missed a piano lesson.
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
# Why you look so sad? #
# Tears are in your eyes #
# Come on and come to me now #
# When the night falls on you #
# You don't know what to do #
# Nothing you confess #
# Could make me love you less #
# I'll stand by you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Won't let nobody hurt you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Take me in into your darkest hour #
# And I'll never desert you #
# I'll stand by you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Won't let nobody hurt you #
# I'll stand by you. #



Carole Hudson: Finn, what's going on? What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: Uh, nothing.
Carole Hudson: Were you just singing to a sonogram?
Finn Hudson: Uh-huh.
Carole Hudson: Is Quinn pregnant?
Finn Hudson: Mom. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Carole Hudson: Shh, shh, shh.
Finn Hudson: I screwed up, Mom.
Carole Hudson: It's going to be okay.
Finn Hudson: I'm so sorry.
Carole Hudson: Shh, shh, shh.



Quinn Fabray: I can't believe your told your mom. What if she tells my mom?
Finn Hudson: No, she's not.
Quinn Fabray: Half the school knows. Your mom knows. Who else do you want to tell? Huh?
Finn Hudson: But she's not going to tell anybody.
Quinn Fabray: You're wrong, I'm right. I'm smart, you're dumb.
Tina Cohen-Chang: All this baby drama is making my rosacea act up.
Mercedes Jones: I know. I just feel bad for them, having to go through this on their own.
Kurt Hummel: Let me see what I can do. I'll report back later.
Quinn Fabray: No, no, no. You're wrong, I'm right. I'm right, okay?
Finn Hudson: She doesn't talk to other moms.
Kurt Hummel: How do you explain her constant irritation with you? It's because she's a girl.
Finn Hudson: No, I think it's the pregnancy hormones or something. They make her kind of nuts.
Kurt Hummel: It's enough to want to give up women altogether.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Anyway, thanks for the advice about singing to the baby like that. Uh, worked like a charm. I owe you one, dude.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, I'll admit it. I'm madly in love with Finn. I have been since the first time we met.



Finn Hudson: Dude. Impulse control.
Kurt Hummel: He was my knight in shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee. Then football. Then skin care.



Kurt Hummel: Your T zone is dangerously dry. Your... your T zone.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Kurt Hummel: Twice a day. It's very mild and has a built-in sunblock.
Finn Hudson: Cool. Thanks, man.



Kurt Hummel: I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows. I guess that's love for you.
Will Schuester: Hey. Eyes on your own paper.
Kurt Hummel: I know it seems weird that I'm helping Finn with Quinn, but rest assured, it's all part of a master plan. No matter what I do or how much I assist him with his ballad, she's going to end up disappointing him and breaking his heart. And then... he'll be crying into my shoulder pads.



Will Schuester: Okay. So I'm really excited. I have picked a medley of songs that's going to be a fantastic teaching tool about how to sing a great ballad.
Rachel Berry: Why is Miss Pillsbury here?
Emma Pillsbury: Uh... um, well, I... I, too, am very curious about the power of the ballad. You know, I'm thinking of doing some career counseling in song.
Will Schuester: Emma, want to just... ?
Emma Pillsbury: S.A.T. prep... Yeah.
Will Schuester: Okay. Rachel, this is a mash-up of "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap and the 1980 Police classic, "Don't Stand So Close to Me." And I want you to listen very closely to the lyrics because I really mean what I'm singing. Really listen. Okay.
# Young teacher, the subject #
# Of schoolgirl fantasy #
# She wants him so badly #
# Knows what she wants to be #
# With all the charms of a woman #
Men: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Will Schuester: # You've kept the secret of your youth #
Men: # Ah, ah, ah #
Will Schuester: # Book marking, she's so close now #
# This girl is half his age #
# Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
# Young girl, you're out of your mind #
# Your love for me is way out of line #
# Better run, girl #
# You're much too young, girl #
# Temptation, frustration #
# So bad it makes him cry #
# Beneath your perfume and makeup #
Men: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Will Schuester: # You're just a baby in disguise #
Men: # Ah, ah, ah #
Will Schuester: # Get out of here #
# Before you have the time to change your mind #
# 'Cause I'm afraid #
# You'll go too far #
# Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
# Young girl, you're out of your mind #
# Your love for me is way out of line #
# Better run, girl #
Men: # Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
Will Schuester: # You're much too young, girl. #
Will Schuester: So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad?
Rachel Berry: Yes. It means I'm very young, and it's hard for you to stand close to me.
Will Schuester: Um, no, um... Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got?
Emma Pillsbury: You're a a very good performer. He's very good.
Rachel Berry: Well, I for one can't wait to go home and work on a medley of my own for tomorrow, because this lesson has given me... A lot to think about.
Will Schuester: No, Rachel, that really wasn't the... You...
Emma Pillsbury: Bravo.



Finn Hudson: Thanks for coming over, Kurt. I know you're into fashion and that kind of stuff. And I need to find something nice to wear to the Fabrays' for dinner, so...
Kurt Hummel: I couldn't be more pleased and honored to help you find something vintage and appropriate to wear.
Finn Hudson: Here it is. My mom never had the heart to throw this stuff out. Here, hang on to that for the next time Puck throws you in the Dumpster.
Kurt Hummel: My dad's the same way. My mom died ten years ago, and he still keeps her toothbrush on the holder by their sink. The broken dresser in their room still smells like her perfume. I know it's stupid, but sometimes I'll sneak in there and open all the drawers and lie on the floor and close my eyes and just smell her.
Finn Hudson: That's not stupid. I guess in a way, I'm lucky I never knew him, you know? Check this out.
Kurt Hummel: Not half bad. Your father had good taste.
Finn Hudson: I can't believe it fits. Uh, thanks. My father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away, and I can't even go over to Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.
Kurt Hummel: Your father didn't charge into the breach empty-handed. He had a weapon.
Finn Hudson: You think I should bring a gun?
Kurt Hummel: N-No, I think you should use your greatest weapon— your voice.



Will Schuester: Hey, sweetie, I'm home. Something smells good. Oh, thanks.
Rachel Berry: You're welcome. Casserole's almost ready. Hope you like venison.
Will Schuester: Why did you even let her in the house?
Terri Schuester: 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids. It didn't take me five minutes to realize she's in love with you. She asked if she could see your baby pictures.
Will Schuester: What, so now you're making her clean our bathroom?
Terri Schuester: Look, Will, I have been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years. So why shouldn't I get a little something out of it?
Rachel Berry: Do you have any more Ajax?
Terri Schuester: Oh, in the linen closet, sweetie.
Will Schuester: This is immoral, Terri.
Terri Schuester: No, honey, you know what's immoral? Is me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am. I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me. Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can't scrub the floors as hard as she can.
Will Schuester: Baby, if it's that bad, you have to let me see it. It might be infected.
Terri Schuester: What, so now I'm going to show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow, yeah, no, that's not going to send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.
Will Schuester: For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students, and you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.
Terri Schuester: But why not, huh, if it's win-win for everyone? Look, she's a really good cook. Try it. Where are you going?
Will Schuester: I'm taking Rachel home.
Terri Schuester: Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first?



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yes, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: Why do I have to sit in the backseat?
Will Schuester: Um, it's the law. Children have to ride in the back.
Rachel Berry: Children under seven.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm just concerned for your safety.
Rachel Berry: Really?
Will Schuester: Um... no, not really.
Rachel Berry: I think we should take advantage of this golden alone time and practice our ballad.
Will Schuester: That would be great, but I don't have any music in the car.
Rachel Berry: It's okay, I made us a CD.
Will Schuester: Oh.
Women: # Ah, crush #
# Ah #
Rachel Berry: # I see you blowin' me a kiss #
# It doesn't take a scientist #
# To understand what's going on, baby... #
It wasn't finished.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, the acoustics are horrible in the car. Put your seat belt back on. So... how's it going with Puck? Are you guys still seeing each other?
Rachel Berry: I broke things off. He was too immature, as are all the boys in high school. I need a man who can keep up with me intellectually and creatively.
Will Schuester: Well, that's a tough road for most high school boys.
Rachel Berry: That's why I have my sights set much higher.



Suzy Pepper: Stay away from him. You're going to get hurt bad.
Rachel Berry: You can't threaten me, Pepper. I'm not afraid of you.
Suzy Pepper: You should be.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, you're on the second floor? Oh, you're right above me. Girl, you? I am a hot damn mess. I found out today that my hamster is pregnant in biology class, and I just started weeping. No, no, I think that's a great idea.
Noah Puckerman: We're supposed to be rehearsing.
Mercedes Jones: I'm talking to Tina. I'll hit you back. This is bad, dude. All our ballads are terrible 'cause we're all so distracted. We're all worried about Finn and Quinn and Babygate. We can't even sing about our emotions 'cause we're so worried about theirs.
Noah Puckerman: Who cares?
Mercedes Jones: Um, we all do, so we decided we're all going to sing them a ballad to show that we got their backs.
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding me? There's no way I'm singing to them. It's not fair. Finn gets everything. He gets the sympathy, he gets the girl.
Mercedes Jones: What is your problem?
Noah Puckerman: Finn's not the father. I am.
Mercedes Jones: What? All right, look. You need to get something through your Mohawk real quick. You're the baby's daddy. It takes a hell of a lot more to be a father, and that role's already been cast. Because Quinn chose Finn, and you need to accept that and move on 'cause you have no business messing up that girl's life any more than you already have. You need to back off. You owe her at least that much.



Finn Hudson: Mmm, it's a lovely ham.
Judy Fabray: Thank you.
Russel Fabray: There is no beating Judy's ham.
Judy Fabray: Well, I cure all my own meats.
Russel Fabray: I'd like to propose a toast.
Quinn Fabray: Daddy. No.
Judy Fabray: Russell and his famous toasts.
Russel Fabray: The Fabrays are a tight-knit family. I have been blessed with a loving wife, two remarkable daughters. My first married a wonderful Christian man who owns his own chain of UPS stores. My second daughter— little Quinnie— we are just so proud of her. Captain of the Cheerios. President of the Celibacy Club. I got a little peek at the dress. I'm certain she's a shoo-in for princess of the...
Judy Fabray: She is.
Russel Fabray: But tonight we are very glad to welcome her new friend— quarterback, no less.
Finn Hudson: I have to go to the bathroom. Uh... Too much pop.
Judy Fabray: Oh, wait, it's right through the kitchen, sweetheart.
Russel Fabray: He wears a helmet when he plays, right?
Quinn Fabray: He's just intimidated by you, Daddy.



Kurt Hummel: Well, hello, Finn Hudson.
Finn Hudson: I'm at the Fabrays and I'm freaking out. What does a heart attack feel like?
Kurt Hummel: Settle down, cowboy. This is why we burned the disc and spent all that time rehearsing.
Finn Hudson: I can't do it.
Kurt Hummel: Yes, you can. Just remember the power of the ballad.
Finn Hudson: I have to go; they'll think I'm pooping. Ha!



Judy Fabray: That's my kitchen radio.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I need to borrow it.
Quinn Fabray: Finn, what's this?
Finn Hudson: Well, we have this assignment in Glee Club to sing a ballad. They're all about expressing the things you can't find any other way to say.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, God, Finn, don't. Please don't.
Finn Hudson: No, I need to do this for both of us.
# You're having my baby #
# What a lovely way of saying how much you love me #
# You're having my baby #
# What a lovely way of saying #
# What you're thinking of me #
# I can see it #
# Your face is glowing #
# I can see it in your eyes #
# I'm happy you know it #
# That you're having my baby #
# You're the woman I love #
# And I love what it's doing to you #
# You're having my baby #
# You're a woman in love and I love #
# What's going through you #
# The need inside you #
# I see it showing #
# Whoa, the seed #
# Inside you, baby... #



Judy Fabray: There must be some sort of mistake here. Quinnie, we raised you right.
Finn Hudson: You... You did. We didn't even have sex.
Judy Fabray: I'm sorry. Can we just stop with the lying, please?
Finn Hudson: But I...
Russel Fabray: When you were about five years old, I took you and your sister down to an Indians game. All the other dads brought their sons, but my two girls were enough for me.
Quinn Fabray: Daddy.
Russel Fabray: Your sister made it through the whole game, but you fell asleep in my lap. I kept hoping nothing exciting would happen, 'cause I didn't want the crowd to get too loud— ... wake you up. Didn't matter. You stayed asleep in my arms till the game ended.
Quinn Fabray: Daddy, I'm so sorry.
Russel Fabray: You need to leave.
Quinn Fabray: Wait. Please, Daddy can we talk about this? Finn is a good guy. He loves me.
Russel Fabray: You, too. Get out of my house.
Finn Hudson: She can't do that. She didn't do anything wrong. Please, Mrs. Fabray, do something.
Quinn Fabray: Don't bother, Finn. If she wanted to do something, she would've when she found out that I was pregnant.
Russel Fabray: You knew?
Judy Fabray: I— no. She didn't tell me anything.
Quinn Fabray: But you knew. And I needed you. I needed my mom. And you were so scared of what he would do if he found out you just pushed it aside like we do every bad feeling in this house. If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.
Russel Fabray: Now do not turn this on us! You are the disappointment here!
Quinn Fabray: Why? Because I'm not a little girl anymore? Because I made a mistake?
Russel Fabray: Who are you? I don't recognize you at all.
Quinn Fabray: I'm your daughter. Who loves you. And who knows this must be really hard for you, but I just need my daddy to hold me, and tell me that it's going to be okay. Please.
Russel Fabray: Judy!



Carole Hudson: Honey, how many times have I told you, you gotta turn these T-shirts right side out before you...
Finn Hudson: Um... Mom, Quinn's parents threw her out. Could she stay here for a couple of days?
Carole Hudson: Yeah, of course she can. Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.



Suzy Pepper: Hey, Barbra Streisand, we need to have a little talk.
Rachel Berry: I have nothing to say to you, Pepper. If you continue to stalk me, I'll press charges. Everyone knows what you are. You're the school crazy.
Suzy Pepper: I was crazy. Crazy in love.
Rachel Berry: There's nothing you can say that's going to change the way I feel about Mr. Schuester. Ours is a love for the ages. Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.
Suzy Pepper: Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson number one: You and Schue? It won't work.
Rachel Berry: What do you mean?
Suzy Pepper: We're not so different, you and me. We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating. Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues: He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved. Trust me. I'm a cautionary tale. You need to find some self-respect, Rachel. Get that mildly attractive groove back.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm ready when you are. The ballad I've selected has an important message that I'm anxious for you to hear.
Will Schuester: Rachel, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you. The way you've been acting is totally inappropriate. I'm your teacher, Rachel, and I'm sorry, but that's all I'm ever going to be.
Rachel Berry: I know. I... Brought these for you as an apology. And the song I was going to sing was, "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" by Elton John, 'cause I know how much you love it. I'm such an idiot. Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment...
Will Schuester: Hey. It's okay. I know it's not always easy for you, Rachel. And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you'd like to change. But you should know that there is some boy out there who's going to like you for everything you are. Including those parts of you that even you don't like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: What do you say we ditch rehearsal today? I've got to be honest, Rachel, you've never really needed much help with your ballads. You've been knocking them out of the park since day one.
Rachel Berry: Do you like them?
Will Schuester: They're great.



Kurt Hummel: So they just kicked her out?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Gave her half an hour to pack. Father set the timer on the microwave.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. I guess my plan kind of sucked.
Finn Hudson: No, uh, this is good. No more secrets. You know, everything's out there— all the feelings. And that's better, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes. Better.
Finn Hudson: Good. All right, well, uh, let's work on your ballad. You were really helpful when I was trying to find mine. So what is it?
Kurt Hummel: "I Honestly Love You."
Finn Hudson: Sounds awesome. I don't know the song, or whatever, but it sounds positive and nice and stuff.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, you two. We need to go to the choir room.
Finn Hudson: Why?
Kurt Hummel: Because there's something we want to give you and Quinn.



Mercedes Jones: Open your eyes. You don't need to close your eyes.
Finn Hudson: Is there a cake?
Mercedes Jones: No, there's no cake.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Mercedes Jones: Be quiet and sit down. Hi, Quinn.
Finn Hudson: Do you know what's going on?
Will Schuester: Your fellow Glee Club members want to sing a song for you guys to let you know how they feel about you.
Finn Hudson: What are you going to sing?
Rachel Berry: Just listen. The song says everything.
New Directions: # Hum #
# hum-hum-hum-hum #
# Hum-hum-hum-hum #
# Hum-hum-hum-hum #
Artie Abrams: # Hold on #
# Sometimes in our lives #
# We all have pain #
# We all have sorrow #
# But if we are wise #
# We know that there's always tomorrow #
New Directions: # Lean on me #
# When you're not strong #
# And I'll be your friend #
# I'll help you carry on #
# For it won't be long #
# Till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on #
# Just lean on me #
# Call on your brother #
# Hey #
# When you need a friend #
# We all need somebody to lean on #
Artie Abrams: # Somebody to lean on #
New Directions: # I just might have a problem #
# That you'll understand #
# We all need somebody to lean on #
# Lean on me #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh if there is a load #
New Directions: # There's a load #
Artie Abrams: # You have to face #
New Directions: # You have to face #
Artie Abrams: # That you can't carry #
# I am right up the road #
# I'll share your load #
New Directions: # If you just call me #
# Call me #
# I'm calling #
Artie Abrams: # Call me #
Mercedes Jones: # When you need a friend #
Artie Abrams: # Call me #
New Directions: # Call me #
# Call me #
# Call me #
# When you need a friend #
# Call me #
# Any time of day #
# Call me #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh, it won't be long #
# Till I'm gonna need #
# Somebody to lean on #
# Lean on, lean on me #
# Lean on, lean on #
# Lean on me #
New Directions: # Lean on me #
# Lean on, lean on #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Lean on me #
# You can lean on me #
# I'm gonna need somebody to lean on #
# Gonna need somebody to lean on #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey... #
New Directions: # Somebody to lean on. #


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed last week: Quinn's pregnant, and Puck's the father, but everybody thinks it's Finn.
Noah Puckerman: You're a punk who doesn't deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend.
Ian Brennan: Except for Quinn's parents, who don't know anything... at all. They just know she's in the Celibacy Club.
Noah Puckerman: Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another immaculate conception.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on... Glee.



Will Schuester: Ballad. From Middle English, balade. Who knows what this word means?
Brittany S. Pierce: It's a male duck.
Will Schuester: Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: A ballad is a love song.
Will Schuester: Sometimes, but they don't always express love. Ballads are stories set to music— which is why they're the perfect storm of self-expression. Stories and music are the way we express feelings that we can't get out any other way. Okay, now, sectionals are in a few weeks and there's a new rule this year— we have to perform... a ballad.
Rachel Berry: Looks like my weekly letter to the Ohio Show Choir Committee finally paid off!
Will Schuester: Okay. So here's our assignment for the week: I'm going to pair you off, and I want you to pick a ballad to sing to your partner. Look them right in the eye, find the emotion you want to express, and make them feel it.
Finn Hudson: I pick Quinn.
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Too easy. Your partners will be chosen by fate.
New Directions: Ooh!
Will Schuester: Ooh, yeah. I put all your names in this hat. Whoever you choose is your partner.
Brittany S. Pierce: I bet the duck's in the hat.
Santana Lopez: But Matt's out sick today. He had to go to the hospital, 'cause they found a spider in his ear.
Will Schuester: Um... I guess I'll just have to put my name in the hat for now. Who's up first?
Mercedes Jones: Mercedes.
Will Schuester: All right.
Artie Abrams: Quinn.
Finn Hudson: Kurt. Mr. Schue, I don't know if I can do this with another guy.
Will Schuester: The fates have spoken, Finn.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Other Asian.
Santana Lopez: Brittany.
Man: How fitting.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yay!
Man: No way.
Rachel Berry: Looks like I get you, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Uh... You know what? Maybe we should just wait until Matt gets back.
Finn Hudson: The fates talked, Mr. Schue.
Artie Abrams: Would you mind clarifying what kinds of songs you want us to sing?
Rachel Berry: Why don't you let Mr. Schuester and I demonstrate. Brad, "Endless Love" in B-flat, please. It's my favorite duet.
Will Schuester: I really don't think that's an appropriate song, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Why? It's a great song, and it's a perfect ballad.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I really like that song, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: # My love... #
Kurt Hummel: I could totally sing this song with Finn. But screw him if he's thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me.
Will Schuester: # The only thing that's right... #
Noah Puckerman: I love the days when I don't wear underwear.
Rachel Berry: # My first love... #
Finn Hudson: I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is. Oh, crap, I think Quinn knows I'm staring at it.
Rachel Berry: # You're every breath that I take #
# You're every step I make #
Will Schuester: # And I #
Rachel Berry: # I #
Will Schuester: # I want to share #
Rachel & Will: # All my love with you #
Will Schuester: # No one else will do #
Rachel Berry: # And your eyes #
Will Schuester: # Your eyes, your eyes #
Rachel & Will: # They tell me how much you care #
# Oh, yeah... #
Rachel Berry: Wow. I've never noticed this before, because he's always trying to destroy my career, but Mr. Schue has really pretty eyes.
Rachel & Will: # My endless love... #
Rachel Berry: And really nice teeth. He's obviously invested in good oral hygiene, and that's important to me. It shows wonderful self-esteem.
Rachel & Will: # I'll be that fool #
# For you #
# I'm sure #
Will Schuester: I don't like the way she's looking at me. Oh, I shouldn't have sung this song to her. Crap! She looks crazy right now. I know this look.
Rachel & Will: # Yes #
# You'll be the only one #
Rachel Berry: # Oh #
Will Schuester: # 'Cause no #
Rachel & Will: # No one can't deny #
# This love I have inside #
# And I'll give it all to you #
Will Schuester: # My love #
Rachel Berry: # My love, my love #
Rachel & Will: # My endless love. #
Rachel Berry: Okay, this is amazing. When I'm singing with him, it's like I'm seeing him for the first time. And what I'm seeing is super... super cute.
Will Schuester: Okay. Something like that.



Judy Fabray: Sweetie, I'm so proud of you. The Chastity Ball is so important to your father.
Quinn Fabray: God, I miss the firm support of my polyester Cheerios uniform! The control panel hid my baby bump perfectly.
Judy Fabray: That's odd. We had this custom-made a month ago.
Quinn Fabray: I had a really big lunch today at school. Really big tacos.
Judy Fabray: No worries, sweetie. I'll just take it down to the tailor tomorrow. We'll let it out a little bit. The problem here, honey, is, you know, I just don't think you've been getting enough exercise ever since you quit the Cheerios. Am I right?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Yeah. That's right.
Judy Fabray: I mean, you used to spend hours every day doing backflips and high kicks, and now, I mean, now you spend all your free time sitting on a stool in the dark singing show tunes. Do you know how many calories you burn singing? Hmm? Not very many.
Russel Fabray: Judy! Glenn Beck is on! Oh! Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
Judy Fabray: He's so...
Russel Fabray: Oh, I don't want to see!
Quinn Fabray: Daddy, it's not like we're getting married.
Russel Fabray: I don't wanna... Oh. Oh, look at you. Speaking of getting married, how's that boy you've been dating?
Judy Fabray: Yeah. Yeah. He's not, uh, pressuring you at all, is he?
Quinn Fabray: No! No, he's a gentleman.
Russel Fabray: I'm glad to hear that.
Judy Fabray: Mm-hmm.
Russel Fabray: That's why I'm inviting him over for dinner on Sunday.
Judy Fabray: Oh! Wonderful.
Russel Fabray: Refresher?
Judy Fabray: Honey, I don't want you to lift a finger for me. Tsk. I'm your wife.
Russel Fabray: My little lemon drop.
Judy Fabray: Oh!
Russel Fabray: I gotta go catch Glenn.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Rachel Berry: I just wanted to confirm that we're set to rehearse our ballad at 4:00 sharp this afternoon.
Will Schuester: Oh. Isn't Matt back yet?
Rachel Berry: No, it's just... You and me, all week long.
Will Schuester: Great. Well... I'll see you at 4:00. Is there something else?
Rachel Berry: I just wanted to give you this. Open it. Gold stars are kind of my signature thing. I figure every time you wear it, you can think of me and the star you're helping me become.



Will Schuester: It's happening... again. It always starts with a novelty gift.
Emma Pillsbury: I mean, you can't blame her, Will. I mean, if we were going to rank crushworthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet. Uh... Well, I... When did, when did this start with Rachel?
Will Schuester: We sang a duet in Glee Club— "Endless Love."
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, in hindsight, that was probably a mistake.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I can't handle going through this again.
Emma Pillsbury: Sorry, going through, um, going through what again?
Will Schuester: Have I ever told you about... Suzy Pepper?



Will Schuester: So the alpacas start there and, uh, travel down towards Guatemala. Suzy Pepper wasn't the first schoolgirl crush, but she was the hardest. It happened about two years ago, before you were a teacher here. Suzy was... unique.
Suzy Pepper: Mr. Schue, how do you conjugate the verb... to love? Peppers. So you can wear them and think of me— Suzy Pepper.
Will Schuester: I thought it would burn out like the others, but it only got worse.



Will Schuester: Hello?
Terri Schuester: Who is it? Who died?
Will Schuester: Suzy Pepper?
Suzy Pepper: You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath. That's so romantic.
Terri Schuester: Listen, you little psycho, this is Will's wife. And if I don't get enough sleep, my anti-depressants won't work, and then I'll go crazy and I'll kill you.
Will Schuester: Terri...
Terri Schuester: Stop calling! Can't you handle anything, Will?



Will Schuester: Terri was right— or so I thought. I decided to be honest with Suzy, face this head-on.



Emma Pillsbury: Okay. How'd that go?


# How easy #
# It would be to show me how you feel #
# More than words #
# Is all you have to do to make it real #
# Then you wouldn't have to say #
# That you... #


Will Schuester: It was the world's hottest pepper. She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, gosh. What happened to her?
Will Schuester: Well, the ambulance arrived just in time.The pepper burned holes in her esophagus. And she was in a medically induced coma for three days. That's why I can't just tell Rachel to back off. These girls are too fragile.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Okay. How about this? Why don't you take your own advice. Right? Do what you told the kids to do.If you're... If you're feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel, then why don't you, um, you know, sing it to her? Let her down gently. And don't wear that tie.
Will Schuester: Yeah.



Kurt Hummel: Sing to me everything you feel.
Finn Hudson: Okay. Uh... I can't. I can't. I can't sing to a dude.
Kurt Hummel: You have to try.
Finn Hudson: I can't, okay! I can't! I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not.
Kurt Hummel: Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.
Finn Hudson: Dude, I'm sorry. You're really awesome, Kurt. I... I'm just under a load of crap right now.
Kurt Hummel: Girls.They're your problem. They're up, they're down. Girls.
Finn Hudson: It's the baby. She's my daughter, and... there's so many things I want to say to her, and I'm never going to be able to.
Kurt Hummel: Like what?
Finn Hudson: Well... Like how I don't want her to think that her father just abandoned her. How I would do anything for her. How, no matter what I do, I'm always thinking about her. How I'm going to spend my whole life loving her, and she's never even going to know.
Kurt Hummel: You got to let it out.
Finn Hudson: How?
Kurt Hummel: By singing. "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders. It's in your wheelhouse, and I know you know it from the radio because it's a classic. And you do well with the classics, especially in the soft rock mode.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I do like that song, but... How is it going to make me feel better again?
Kurt Hummel: By singing it out. To the audience. Imagine your little girl sitting there. Thank God I never missed a piano lesson.
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
# Why you look so sad? #
# Tears are in your eyes #
# Come on and come to me now #
# When the night falls on you #
# You don't know what to do #
# Nothing you confess #
# Could make me love you less #
# I'll stand by you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Won't let nobody hurt you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Take me in into your darkest hour #
# And I'll never desert you #
# I'll stand by you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Won't let nobody hurt you #
# I'll stand by you. #



Carole Hudson: Finn, what's going on? What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: Uh, nothing.
Carole Hudson: Were you just singing to a sonogram?
Finn Hudson: Uh-huh.
Carole Hudson: Is Quinn pregnant?
Finn Hudson: Mom. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Carole Hudson: Shh, shh, shh.
Finn Hudson: I screwed up, Mom.
Carole Hudson: It's going to be okay.
Finn Hudson: I'm so sorry.
Carole Hudson: Shh, shh, shh.



Quinn Fabray: I can't believe your told your mom. What if she tells my mom?
Finn Hudson: No, she's not.
Quinn Fabray: Half the school knows. Your mom knows. Who else do you want to tell? Huh?
Finn Hudson: But she's not going to tell anybody.
Quinn Fabray: You're wrong, I'm right. I'm smart, you're dumb.
Tina Cohen-Chang: All this baby drama is making my rosacea act up.
Mercedes Jones: I know. I just feel bad for them, having to go through this on their own.
Kurt Hummel: Let me see what I can do. I'll report back later.
Quinn Fabray: No, no, no. You're wrong, I'm right. I'm right, okay?
Finn Hudson: She doesn't talk to other moms.
Kurt Hummel: How do you explain her constant irritation with you? It's because she's a girl.
Finn Hudson: No, I think it's the pregnancy hormones or something. They make her kind of nuts.
Kurt Hummel: It's enough to want to give up women altogether.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Anyway, thanks for the advice about singing to the baby like that. Uh, worked like a charm. I owe you one, dude.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, I'll admit it. I'm madly in love with Finn. I have been since the first time we met.



Finn Hudson: Dude. Impulse control.
Kurt Hummel: He was my knight in shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee. Then football. Then skin care.



Kurt Hummel: Your T zone is dangerously dry. Your... your T zone.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Kurt Hummel: Twice a day. It's very mild and has a built-in sunblock.
Finn Hudson: Cool. Thanks, man.



Kurt Hummel: I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows. I guess that's love for you.
Will Schuester: Hey. Eyes on your own paper.
Kurt Hummel: I know it seems weird that I'm helping Finn with Quinn, but rest assured, it's all part of a master plan. No matter what I do or how much I assist him with his ballad, she's going to end up disappointing him and breaking his heart. And then... he'll be crying into my shoulder pads.



Will Schuester: Okay. So I'm really excited. I have picked a medley of songs that's going to be a fantastic teaching tool about how to sing a great ballad.
Rachel Berry: Why is Miss Pillsbury here?
Emma Pillsbury: Uh... um, well, I... I, too, am very curious about the power of the ballad. You know, I'm thinking of doing some career counseling in song.
Will Schuester: Emma, want to just... ?
Emma Pillsbury: S.A.T. prep... Yeah.
Will Schuester: Okay. Rachel, this is a mash-up of "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap and the 1980 Police classic, "Don't Stand So Close to Me." And I want you to listen very closely to the lyrics because I really mean what I'm singing. Really listen. Okay.
# Young teacher, the subject #
# Of schoolgirl fantasy #
# She wants him so badly #
# Knows what she wants to be #
# With all the charms of a woman #
Men: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Will Schuester: # You've kept the secret of your youth #
Men: # Ah, ah, ah #
Will Schuester: # Book marking, she's so close now #
# This girl is half his age #
# Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
# Young girl, you're out of your mind #
# Your love for me is way out of line #
# Better run, girl #
# You're much too young, girl #
# Temptation, frustration #
# So bad it makes him cry #
# Beneath your perfume and makeup #
Men: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Will Schuester: # You're just a baby in disguise #
Men: # Ah, ah, ah #
Will Schuester: # Get out of here #
# Before you have the time to change your mind #
# 'Cause I'm afraid #
# You'll go too far #
# Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
# Young girl, you're out of your mind #
# Your love for me is way out of line #
# Better run, girl #
Men: # Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
Will Schuester: # You're much too young, girl. #
Will Schuester: So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad?
Rachel Berry: Yes. It means I'm very young, and it's hard for you to stand close to me.
Will Schuester: Um, no, um... Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got?
Emma Pillsbury: You're a a very good performer. He's very good.
Rachel Berry: Well, I for one can't wait to go home and work on a medley of my own for tomorrow, because this lesson has given me... A lot to think about.
Will Schuester: No, Rachel, that really wasn't the... You...
Emma Pillsbury: Bravo.



Finn Hudson: Thanks for coming over, Kurt. I know you're into fashion and that kind of stuff. And I need to find something nice to wear to the Fabrays' for dinner, so...
Kurt Hummel: I couldn't be more pleased and honored to help you find something vintage and appropriate to wear.
Finn Hudson: Here it is. My mom never had the heart to throw this stuff out. Here, hang on to that for the next time Puck throws you in the Dumpster.
Kurt Hummel: My dad's the same way. My mom died ten years ago, and he still keeps her toothbrush on the holder by their sink. The broken dresser in their room still smells like her perfume. I know it's stupid, but sometimes I'll sneak in there and open all the drawers and lie on the floor and close my eyes and just smell her.
Finn Hudson: That's not stupid. I guess in a way, I'm lucky I never knew him, you know? Check this out.
Kurt Hummel: Not half bad. Your father had good taste.
Finn Hudson: I can't believe it fits. Uh, thanks. My father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away, and I can't even go over to Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.
Kurt Hummel: Your father didn't charge into the breach empty-handed. He had a weapon.
Finn Hudson: You think I should bring a gun?
Kurt Hummel: N-No, I think you should use your greatest weapon— your voice.



Will Schuester: Hey, sweetie, I'm home. Something smells good. Oh, thanks.
Rachel Berry: You're welcome. Casserole's almost ready. Hope you like venison.
Will Schuester: Why did you even let her in the house?
Terri Schuester: 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids. It didn't take me five minutes to realize she's in love with you. She asked if she could see your baby pictures.
Will Schuester: What, so now you're making her clean our bathroom?
Terri Schuester: Look, Will, I have been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years. So why shouldn't I get a little something out of it?
Rachel Berry: Do you have any more Ajax?
Terri Schuester: Oh, in the linen closet, sweetie.
Will Schuester: This is immoral, Terri.
Terri Schuester: No, honey, you know what's immoral? Is me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am. I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me. Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can't scrub the floors as hard as she can.
Will Schuester: Baby, if it's that bad, you have to let me see it. It might be infected.
Terri Schuester: What, so now I'm going to show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow, yeah, no, that's not going to send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.
Will Schuester: For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students, and you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.
Terri Schuester: But why not, huh, if it's win-win for everyone? Look, she's a really good cook. Try it. Where are you going?
Will Schuester: I'm taking Rachel home.
Terri Schuester: Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first?



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yes, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: Why do I have to sit in the backseat?
Will Schuester: Um, it's the law. Children have to ride in the back.
Rachel Berry: Children under seven.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm just concerned for your safety.
Rachel Berry: Really?
Will Schuester: Um... no, not really.
Rachel Berry: I think we should take advantage of this golden alone time and practice our ballad.
Will Schuester: That would be great, but I don't have any music in the car.
Rachel Berry: It's okay, I made us a CD.
Will Schuester: Oh.
Women: # Ah, crush #
# Ah #
Rachel Berry: # I see you blowin' me a kiss #
# It doesn't take a scientist #
# To understand what's going on, baby... #
It wasn't finished.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, the acoustics are horrible in the car. Put your seat belt back on. So... how's it going with Puck? Are you guys still seeing each other?
Rachel Berry: I broke things off. He was too immature, as are all the boys in high school. I need a man who can keep up with me intellectually and creatively.
Will Schuester: Well, that's a tough road for most high school boys.
Rachel Berry: That's why I have my sights set much higher.



Suzy Pepper: Stay away from him. You're going to get hurt bad.
Rachel Berry: You can't threaten me, Pepper. I'm not afraid of you.
Suzy Pepper: You should be.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, you're on the second floor? Oh, you're right above me. Girl, you? I am a hot damn mess. I found out today that my hamster is pregnant in biology class, and I just started weeping. No, no, I think that's a great idea.
Noah Puckerman: We're supposed to be rehearsing.
Mercedes Jones: I'm talking to Tina. I'll hit you back. This is bad, dude. All our ballads are terrible 'cause we're all so distracted. We're all worried about Finn and Quinn and Babygate. We can't even sing about our emotions 'cause we're so worried about theirs.
Noah Puckerman: Who cares?
Mercedes Jones: Um, we all do, so we decided we're all going to sing them a ballad to show that we got their backs.
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding me? There's no way I'm singing to them. It's not fair. Finn gets everything. He gets the sympathy, he gets the girl.
Mercedes Jones: What is your problem?
Noah Puckerman: Finn's not the father. I am.
Mercedes Jones: What? All right, look. You need to get something through your Mohawk real quick. You're the baby's daddy. It takes a hell of a lot more to be a father, and that role's already been cast. Because Quinn chose Finn, and you need to accept that and move on 'cause you have no business messing up that girl's life any more than you already have. You need to back off. You owe her at least that much.



Finn Hudson: Mmm, it's a lovely ham.
Judy Fabray: Thank you.
Russel Fabray: There is no beating Judy's ham.
Judy Fabray: Well, I cure all my own meats.
Russel Fabray: I'd like to propose a toast.
Quinn Fabray: Daddy. No.
Judy Fabray: Russell and his famous toasts.
Russel Fabray: The Fabrays are a tight-knit family. I have been blessed with a loving wife, two remarkable daughters. My first married a wonderful Christian man who owns his own chain of UPS stores. My second daughter— little Quinnie— we are just so proud of her. Captain of the Cheerios. President of the Celibacy Club. I got a little peek at the dress. I'm certain she's a shoo-in for princess of the...
Judy Fabray: She is.
Russel Fabray: But tonight we are very glad to welcome her new friend— quarterback, no less.
Finn Hudson: I have to go to the bathroom. Uh... Too much pop.
Judy Fabray: Oh, wait, it's right through the kitchen, sweetheart.
Russel Fabray: He wears a helmet when he plays, right?
Quinn Fabray: He's just intimidated by you, Daddy.



Kurt Hummel: Well, hello, Finn Hudson.
Finn Hudson: I'm at the Fabrays and I'm freaking out. What does a heart attack feel like?
Kurt Hummel: Settle down, cowboy. This is why we burned the disc and spent all that time rehearsing.
Finn Hudson: I can't do it.
Kurt Hummel: Yes, you can. Just remember the power of the ballad.
Finn Hudson: I have to go; they'll think I'm pooping. Ha!



Judy Fabray: That's my kitchen radio.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I need to borrow it.
Quinn Fabray: Finn, what's this?
Finn Hudson: Well, we have this assignment in Glee Club to sing a ballad. They're all about expressing the things you can't find any other way to say.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, God, Finn, don't. Please don't.
Finn Hudson: No, I need to do this for both of us.
# You're having my baby #
# What a lovely way of saying how much you love me #
# You're having my baby #
# What a lovely way of saying #
# What you're thinking of me #
# I can see it #
# Your face is glowing #
# I can see it in your eyes #
# I'm happy you know it #
# That you're having my baby #
# You're the woman I love #
# And I love what it's doing to you #
# You're having my baby #
# You're a woman in love and I love #
# What's going through you #
# The need inside you #
# I see it showing #
# Whoa, the seed #
# Inside you, baby... #



Judy Fabray: There must be some sort of mistake here. Quinnie, we raised you right.
Finn Hudson: You... You did. We didn't even have sex.
Judy Fabray: I'm sorry. Can we just stop with the lying, please?
Finn Hudson: But I...
Russel Fabray: When you were about five years old, I took you and your sister down to an Indians game. All the other dads brought their sons, but my two girls were enough for me.
Quinn Fabray: Daddy.
Russel Fabray: Your sister made it through the whole game, but you fell asleep in my lap. I kept hoping nothing exciting would happen, 'cause I didn't want the crowd to get too loud— ... wake you up. Didn't matter. You stayed asleep in my arms till the game ended.
Quinn Fabray: Daddy, I'm so sorry.
Russel Fabray: You need to leave.
Quinn Fabray: Wait. Please, Daddy can we talk about this? Finn is a good guy. He loves me.
Russel Fabray: You, too. Get out of my house.
Finn Hudson: She can't do that. She didn't do anything wrong. Please, Mrs. Fabray, do something.
Quinn Fabray: Don't bother, Finn. If she wanted to do something, she would've when she found out that I was pregnant.
Russel Fabray: You knew?
Judy Fabray: I— no. She didn't tell me anything.
Quinn Fabray: But you knew. And I needed you. I needed my mom. And you were so scared of what he would do if he found out you just pushed it aside like we do every bad feeling in this house. If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.
Russel Fabray: Now do not turn this on us! You are the disappointment here!
Quinn Fabray: Why? Because I'm not a little girl anymore? Because I made a mistake?
Russel Fabray: Who are you? I don't recognize you at all.
Quinn Fabray: I'm your daughter. Who loves you. And who knows this must be really hard for you, but I just need my daddy to hold me, and tell me that it's going to be okay. Please.
Russel Fabray: Judy!



Carole Hudson: Honey, how many times have I told you, you gotta turn these T-shirts right side out before you...
Finn Hudson: Um... Mom, Quinn's parents threw her out. Could she stay here for a couple of days?
Carole Hudson: Yeah, of course she can. Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.



Suzy Pepper: Hey, Barbra Streisand, we need to have a little talk.
Rachel Berry: I have nothing to say to you, Pepper. If you continue to stalk me, I'll press charges. Everyone knows what you are. You're the school crazy.
Suzy Pepper: I was crazy. Crazy in love.
Rachel Berry: There's nothing you can say that's going to change the way I feel about Mr. Schuester. Ours is a love for the ages. Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.
Suzy Pepper: Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson number one: You and Schue? It won't work.
Rachel Berry: What do you mean?
Suzy Pepper: We're not so different, you and me. We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating. Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues: He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved. Trust me. I'm a cautionary tale. You need to find some self-respect, Rachel. Get that mildly attractive groove back.



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm ready when you are. The ballad I've selected has an important message that I'm anxious for you to hear.
Will Schuester: Rachel, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you. The way you've been acting is totally inappropriate. I'm your teacher, Rachel, and I'm sorry, but that's all I'm ever going to be.
Rachel Berry: I know. I... Brought these for you as an apology. And the song I was going to sing was, "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" by Elton John, 'cause I know how much you love it. I'm such an idiot. Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment...
Will Schuester: Hey. It's okay. I know it's not always easy for you, Rachel. And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you'd like to change. But you should know that there is some boy out there who's going to like you for everything you are. Including those parts of you that even you don't like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: What do you say we ditch rehearsal today? I've got to be honest, Rachel, you've never really needed much help with your ballads. You've been knocking them out of the park since day one.
Rachel Berry: Do you like them?
Will Schuester: They're great.



Kurt Hummel: So they just kicked her out?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Gave her half an hour to pack. Father set the timer on the microwave.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. I guess my plan kind of sucked.
Finn Hudson: No, uh, this is good. No more secrets. You know, everything's out there— all the feelings. And that's better, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes. Better.
Finn Hudson: Good. All right, well, uh, let's work on your ballad. You were really helpful when I was trying to find mine. So what is it?
Kurt Hummel: "I Honestly Love You."
Finn Hudson: Sounds awesome. I don't know the song, or whatever, but it sounds positive and nice and stuff.
Mercedes Jones: Hey, you two. We need to go to the choir room.
Finn Hudson: Why?
Kurt Hummel: Because there's something we want to give you and Quinn.



Mercedes Jones: Open your eyes. You don't need to close your eyes.
Finn Hudson: Is there a cake?
Mercedes Jones: No, there's no cake.
Finn Hudson: Oh.
Mercedes Jones: Be quiet and sit down. Hi, Quinn.
Finn Hudson: Do you know what's going on?
Will Schuester: Your fellow Glee Club members want to sing a song for you guys to let you know how they feel about you.
Finn Hudson: What are you going to sing?
Rachel Berry: Just listen. The song says everything.
New Directions: # Hum #
# hum-hum-hum-hum #
# Hum-hum-hum-hum #
# Hum-hum-hum-hum #
Artie Abrams: # Hold on #
# Sometimes in our lives #
# We all have pain #
# We all have sorrow #
# But if we are wise #
# We know that there's always tomorrow #
New Directions: # Lean on me #
# When you're not strong #
# And I'll be your friend #
# I'll help you carry on #
# For it won't be long #
# Till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on #
# Just lean on me #
# Call on your brother #
# Hey #
# When you need a friend #
# We all need somebody to lean on #
Artie Abrams: # Somebody to lean on #
New Directions: # I just might have a problem #
# That you'll understand #
# We all need somebody to lean on #
# Lean on me #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh if there is a load #
New Directions: # There's a load #
Artie Abrams: # You have to face #
New Directions: # You have to face #
Artie Abrams: # That you can't carry #
# I am right up the road #
# I'll share your load #
New Directions: # If you just call me #
# Call me #
# I'm calling #
Artie Abrams: # Call me #
Mercedes Jones: # When you need a friend #
Artie Abrams: # Call me #
New Directions: # Call me #
# Call me #
# Call me #
# When you need a friend #
# Call me #
# Any time of day #
# Call me #
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh, it won't be long #
# Till I'm gonna need #
# Somebody to lean on #
# Lean on, lean on me #
# Lean on, lean on #
# Lean on me #
New Directions: # Lean on me #
# Lean on, lean on #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Lean on me #
# You can lean on me #
# I'm gonna need somebody to lean on #
# Gonna need somebody to lean on #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey... #
New Directions: # Somebody to lean on. #
外部リンク
 Glee Wiki
 IMDb
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111. Hairography

放送日:2009年11月25日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week. Quinn's parents found out that she's pregnant, because Finn told them in song.
Finn Hudson: We didn't even have sex.
Ian Brennan: So kicked out, now she live in Finn's house, and everyone thinks Finn's the father, but really is Puck.
Quinn Fabray: I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk. I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed... on Glee.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, fella. So unless my recent write-up here in splits magazine naming me cheerleading coach of the decade has me driven completely insane, I'm pretty sure you and I had an agreement that you were going to show me your Glee Club set list for sectionals.
Will Schuester: Sorry, Sue. I didn't think you were all that interested in Glee Club anymore.
Sue Sylvester: Not interested? Well, I'm the fine arts administrator or something.
Will Schuester: Um... Well, I will make sure you get a copy.
Sue Sylvester: That'd be fantastic. I'd hate to have to go to Figgins about this. Hey, Will.
Will Schuester: Yes?
Sue Sylvester: I'd like my magazine back, please. Thank you.
Will Schuester: Here's the problem with Sue Sylvester: You never quite know where you stand. I knew she was up to something.



Will Schuester: Five, six, seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, Unh and seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, unh, You guys go. Step ball... Brittany? Coach Sylvester didn't tell me to do this.



Will Schuester: It kept getting worse.
Sue Sylvester: Hey there, pal. Would you remind me once again the names of the schools you'll be competing against at sectionals?
Will Schuester: Jane Addams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf.
Sue Sylvester: Got it. What are their zip codes?



Will Schuester: She's leaking our competitive set list to the other schools. If the other Glee Clubs get set lists and videos, they'll know exactly how to beat us at sectionals.
Emma Pillsbury: Well first, don't let Sue distract you, all right? And if you can't take Mohammad to the mountain, then you got to get Mohammad to bring the mountain down to his house. Mohammad's house, wherever he's staying.
Will Schuester: I don't understand.
Emma Pillsbury: Look, you should drive over to Jane Addams Academy and ask the director point-blank. If something's going on, you'll know.
Will Schuester: Hmm.



Will Schuester: All right. Oh, thanks.
Grace Hitchens: You're a good kid, Aphasia. Why did you try to rob a bank?
Aphasia: Because, Ms. Hitchens, that's where they keep the money.
Grace Hitchens: Go back to class.
Will Schuester: Uh, hi, Ms. Hitchens. I'm Will Schuester from Mckinley High.
Grace Hitchens: Aphasia! Give Mr. Schuester his wallet back.
Will Schuester: Wow, she's... She's good. Um... Thank you. Thank you for seeing me.
Grace Hitchens: We don't get a lot of other educators paying us visits.
Will Schuester: Right. Um... Well, the reason I'm here is... A little weird. So I guess the best thing for me to do is just come right out with it. I think our cheerleading coach has been passing along our set list for sectionals to you.
Grace Hitchens: What kind of messed up school are you people running? You think that because our students are thieves and arsonists, that we're cheaters, too.
Will Schuester: No, no, no, no, I... It's not that you, it's, it's Sue.
Grace Hitchens: Do you know that we don't have costumes? Or even an auditorium? Our show choir has to practice out in the rec yard. This is Ohio. We have weather.
Will Schuester: You don't have to tell me about underfunding for the arts.
Grace Hitchens: Look, all I know is that our choir seems to be the only thing that keeps my girls from recidivism. It makes them feel good about themselves. I'm not going to cheat and risk that just so we can get a leg up on your school of privileged misfits. Especially from what I hear. We're probably going to take you anyway.
Will Schuester: Really? And who'd you hear that from?
Grace Hitchens: I had my spies at your invitational. Want some coffee?
Will Schuester: Please. I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Let me make it up to you. You guys don't have an auditorium, come use ours. Yeah, let's have a little, uh, scrimmage at our place.



Will Schuester: Okay, guys, so first of all I want to welcome Ms. Hitchens and the Jane Addams Glee Club. We're all very happy to have you guys here. So, um, we're going to let you guys start us off. Let's see what you got.
Grace Hitchens: Hit it.
Jane Adams Academy: # Jayelle, can you handle this? #
# Shadonda, #
# can you handle this? #
# Aphasia, can you handle this? #
# I don't think they can handle this #
# Better move 'cause we've arrived #
# Lookin' sexy, lookin' fly #
# Baddest chicks, chicks inside #
# Deejay, jam tonight #
# Spotted me, a tender thang #
# There you are, come on, baby #
# Don't you wanna dance with me? #
# Can you handle, handle me? #
# Lookin' hot, smellin' good #
# Groovin' like I'm from the hood #
# Over my shoulder I'll blow you a kiss #
# Can you handle, handle this?#
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this #
# 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this #
# 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# Move your body up and down #
# ooh #
# Make your booty touch the ground #
# Ooh #
# I can't help but wonder why #
# Is my vibe too vibe-alicious for you, babe? #
# I shake my jelly at every chance #
# When I whip with my hips you slip into a trance #
# I'm hoping you can handle all this jelly that I have #
# Now let's cut a rug while we scat some jazz #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this, 'cause my body's #
# Too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this 'cause my #
# Body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready #
# For this jelly I don't think you're ready #
# For this jelly I don't think you're ready #
# For this 'cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe. #



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, you seem concerned.
Will Schuester: What? No. I mean, they were great, but we're just as good.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, if I may. What they were doing was just all smoke and mirrors. It's called "hairography."
Will Schuester: What?
Rachel Berry: Hairography. All the whizzing of their hair around just to distract from the fact that they're not really good dancers. And their vocals were just so-so. Trust me. We've nothing to be afraid of.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. I did some thinking last night. I think I found our new number for sectionals. We're going to do the title song from Hair. Now, this show started a revolution.
Noah Puckerman: Wait, did they have mohawks back then? Like in the 20's or whatever?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, Mr. Schue, if we're going to do a song about hair, shouldn't we have more hair?
Will Schuester: One step ahead of you. Here are your wigs.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Rachel Berry: What are you doing? We are fine where we are. We don't need hairography. It's just a distraction.
Will Schuester: Look, I have to be honest. Those Jane Addams girls did freak me out a little. And I'm worried about our chances for sectionals. I mean, we have to pull out all the stops if we want to win. Looking great, guys!



Noah Puckerman: Saw it in a bookstore. Figured I'd steal it for you. You know, in case you change your mind and decide you want to keep it.
Quinn Fabray: That is so sweet. To be honest, I really don't know what I'm going to do about it anymore. My mind's pretty messed up about everything.
Noah Puckerman: Well, whatever you decide. No pressure.
Quinn Fabray: Thank God for Puck. Thanks to him, I'm starting to realize that what I need right now, even more than looser pants, is acceptance. Everyone is putting so much pressure on me. It's so easy for them to be distracted. I don't have that luxury. I am under siege.



Terri Schuester: You don't drink diet soda, do you? Because the phosphoric acid causes male pattern baldness.
Quinn Fabray: The baby's a girl.
Terri Schuester: Women go bald, too.
Kendra Giardi: You worry too much, Terri. Mom smoked and drank a bottle of riuniti on ice every night when she was pregnant with us and we're totally normal. Just take your vitamins, stay out of the hot tub, and avoid rum-based drinks, and you'll be fine.



Quinn Fabray: Maybe the problem isn't that I don't want to keep the baby. The problem is that I don't want to keep the baby with Finn. Maybe I didn't give Puck enough of a chance. He is the real dad, after all. Finn would freak if I started spending time with Puck though. I need to distract him so that I can take Puck for a test drive. But how? Mm, forget about it. She looks like a five year old. Still, maybe with a little bit of makeup...



Quinn Fabray: Hey, Kurt, can I pick your pink brain for a second?
Kurt Hummel: Why hello, Quinn. To what do I owe the honor? I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken to me.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry about that. Anyways, I have a proposition to make: A makeover.
Kurt Hummel: I'm in! Makeovers are like crack to me.
Quinn Fabray: Uh-huh.
Kurt Hummel: My suggestion... Spanx. Or a double-knit camisole with a control top for the baby bump. Also, babydoll dresses-- Dead giveaway.
Quinn Fabray: Not for me, for Rachel.
Kurt Hummel: Why would I want to do that? I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but... Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.
Quinn Fabray: My point exactly. You're as concerned about the Glee Club succeeding as I am, and she's a distraction. Look at her. She's wearing a pantsuit. Don't you think the judges are going to take one look at her and maybe want to knock her down a peg or two?
Kurt Hummel: And to think... I thought you were a dumb blonde. Deal.



Terri Schuester: Good night.
Will Schuester: Good night.
Terri Schuester: What are you doing?!
Will Schuester: I'm trying to be intimate with my wife.
Terri Schuester: No, you're trying to have sex.
Will Schuester: Wh...
Terri Schuester: Not intimacy. If you wanted intimacy, you... You would ask me how I'm feeling about being pregnant.
Will Schuester: You're right. I'm sorry.
Terri Schuester: It's okay.
Will Schuester: It will all be worth it when she shows up, right?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. Of course.
Will Schuester: Love you.
Terri Schuester: Love you. There's no way I can keep this up. He's gonna catch on. I miss him, too, though. I do want to have a family with him. I only ever started lying about all of this to give us a chance. I just need to buy myself some more time. I've got to distract him with something. But what?



Rachel Berry: Ow.
Kurt Hummel: The key is to never wax above the eyebrow. Always shape from below. Trust me, I get a lot of practice. Look at mine.
Rachel Berry: Kurt, why did you volunteer to give me a new look?
Kurt Hummel: One, I'm a sucker for makeovers, and two, you need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one. Which looks like where Strawberry shortcake and holly hobbie come to hook up. You're extremely talented, Rachel. Watching you perform is... amazing. But sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I'm thinking about is shoving a sock into your mouth.
Rachel Berry: Well, what kind of makeover did you have in mind?
Kurt Hummel: We need to broaden your appeal. I want every boy at school to do a double take when you strut past.
Rachel Berry: There's really only just... one boy that I'd like to impress. Can you keep a secret?
Kurt Hummel: Of course.
Rachel Berry: I'm in love with Finn.
Kurt Hummel: Really? I understand completely. Let's move on to makeup. I happen to know for a fact that Finn is attracted to loose women.
Rachel Berry: What? Quinn is so wholesome.
Kurt Hummel: Let me put this into musical theater parlance. In Grease, what did Sandy do to get Danny Zuko? She had to ditch the poodle skirt and slap on a cat suit. In short, she had to dress like a ho. Maybe if your look was better, more desirable, Finn would be in your arms right now. Instead of Quinn's.



Will Schuester: What's going on, Terr?
Terri Schuester: Just a couple more steps, okay? All right, stop.
Will Schuester: Okay. Is that the blue bomber? It is! I remember I took you to prom in this car. We did it in the backseat.
Terri Schuester: Well, this isn't actually your old car. I found this one on Ebay.
Will Schuester: You know, I always regretted selling this car.
Terri Schuester: I know. That's why I got you this one. I thought maybe working on it would be a-- A distraction from all the pressure that you've been under.
Will Schuester: You are the best.
Terri Schuester: Honey.
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Terri Schuester: Um, could you go and get me a frozen yogurt?
Will Schuester: Yeah, sure. Oh, maybe I'll stop by Pep Boys.Maybe they have some advice.
Terri Schuester: That's a good idea.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Terri Schuester: Take your time, honey.



Terri Schuester: How could you bring her here? What if he saw her?
Kendra Giardi: You're gonna want to hear this. I gave little miss peroxide my phone number in case of an emergency, and she called to drop the bomb on me.
Terri Schuester: What? What bomb? What is it?
Quinn Fabray: I'm keeping my baby.



Will Schuester: Look, we had no intention of discriminating against your Glee Club, Mr. Rumba. We extended an invitation to the Jane Addams Academy to perform, because we're lucky enough to have better facilities than they do.
Dalton Rumba: And you think we don't have the same problem? I run the Glee Club at a school for the deaf. You think I'm rolling around in Deaf Choir money? Now sure, my kids may be deaf, but that shouldn't distract everyone from the fact that they still have a song in their heart, and they should have the same chance as everyone else to express it. Now I had scarlet fever as a kid, leaving me deaf in one ear. So I remember what it's like to have full hearing, but my poor kids don't know the difference. All they know is that they love performing. And then they have to hear that Mckinley went and invited those bad girls to the school. That's just not fair. It's not fair.
Will Schuester: I think your phone's ringing.
Dalton Rumba: What?
Will Schuester: Your phone's ringing.
Dalton Rumba: No, I got it on vibrate. All I am saying is that it would be nice if you went and hosted another scrimmage and had the courtesy to invite us this time.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.
Dalton Rumba: What's that?
Will Schuester: I said I agree with you.
Dalton Rumba: Okay, I can't hear you. Talk into this ear. Scarlet fever.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry... You're on! Um, how's Monday?
Dalton Rumba: No, it has to be Monday.
Will Schuester: Yes! All right! Monday! I can't wait to see the kids do their numbers!
Dalton Rumba: You don't have to make fun of me with those hand gestures.
Will Schuester: No, I didn't... I didn't mean to.
Dalton Rumba: Let me check with my secretary. Oh, damn, four missed calls. What's that?
Will Schuester: I didn't say anything.
Dalton Rumba: Yes, thank you. I take it black, two sugars. Hello. Hello?!



Terri Schuester: I can't do this anymore. It's time to tell him.
Will Schuester: Terri?
Terri Schuester: Yeah, honey?
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, kendra.
Kendra Giardi: Damn, Will. You make one sexy grease monkey.
Will Schuester: I am having so much fun. Working with my hands, searching for parts all over town. I feel like I'm in a Springsteen song. Well, I got to get some old dish towels-- Mop up the grime.
Terri Schuester: Oh, God.
Kendra Giardi: That car is the perfect distraction. I would get something like that for Phil if I didn't think it would make him so happy.
Terri Schuester: What's the difference? He's going to get pretty damn suspicious when I come home from the hospital without a baby.
Kendra Giardi: You need to relax. And drink more. I have got this whole thing figured out.
Terri Schuester: You do?
Kendra Giardi: Mm-hmm. Blondie's due date is right around spring break. You and I are going to have a lady's week at a spa down in Cinci that caters to the prenatal set. But, in reality, we're gonna be camped out at Wu's office with Quinn until that high school hussy drops.
Terri Schuester: That's a great plan. Except for the fact that Quinn won't give us her baby anymore.
Kendra Giardi: But she will, dummy. We have to distract her with the reality of her situation.
Terri Schuester: How are we going to do that?
Kendra Giardi: She needs money. I'm going to have her babysit my kids. Five minutes alone with those little mongrels and she'll have her tubes tied.
Terri Schuester: You're so smart.
Kendra Giardi: You got the beauty, but I got the brains and the beauty.



Finn Hudson: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Oh, hey, Finn. I didn't see you there. Did you want to ask me something?
Finn Hudson: Uh, yeah, I-I just, I forgot. I got distracted.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'm glad I got your attention. I wanted to know if you wanted to come over on Friday night. As someone who's had long, luxurious locks since I was a toddler in the pageant circuit, I figured I could give you some tips on our hair number.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, that'd be great.
Rachel Berry: Great. How's 8:00?
Finn Hudson: 8:00 is terrific. It's terrific.
Kurt Hummel: Objective achieved. Commence phase two.
Finn Hudson: Hey, Quinn. I, uh, wanted to ask your permission to maybe do something on Friday night, if...
Quinn Fabray: Oh, that's fine. I'm babysitting anyways.
Finn Hudson: Oh, cool. I'll see ya.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, What are you doing on Friday?
Noah Puckerman: Just the usual. Was going to stand outside the 7-eleven looking depressed until someone offered to buy me beer, but what's going on?
Quinn Fabray: You want to maybe babysit with me?



Will Schuester: Some of you, particularly the guys, have come up to me with some questions about hairography. One of our own has volunteered to walk us through it. She has got it down. Brittany, take it away.
Brittany S. Pierce: Take what away?
Will Schuester: Show us what you got.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh.
Will Schuester: All right.
Brittany S. Pierce: So, hairography. It works best when you pretend like you're getting tasered. So you just move your head around like you're spazzing and stuff.
Will Schuester: Very nice.
Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, it's like cool epilepsy.
Will Schuester: Come on, guys. Let's see what you got. Good, guys, yeah. Just relax and go for it, all right.
Will Schuester: When is the lying going to stop, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I don't know what you're talking about.
Will Schuester: You've been spying on me and we both know it. You'll do anything to torpedo Glee Club. And it has got to stop!
Sue Sylvester: I resent that accusation, William. And one I understand you've been making to our friends at Haverbrook and Jane Addams. And it's an outrageous affront to my sterling reputation! That being said, fine, I have been checking up on you. Because I don't like what's going on in there. Do you know why I make each of my cheerios wear her hair pulled back in a ponytail? Because I don't want to distract from her impeccable talent. You seem to be taking the opposite approach, Will. And that leads me to believe you know your kids don't have what it takes.
Will Schuester: I believe in my kids.
Sue Sylvester: Well, maybe in the beginning, but not now. Now that you've seen the competition that threatens your very position at this school! You're going to get me an updated set list by 5:00 tomorrow. And if there's anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I'm cutting it!
Will Schuester: I will not let you dictate my number choices. And you are not getting that list.
Sue Sylvester: Well, then I'm back as co-director.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, from the top.



Rachel Berry: I'll just be a second.
Finn Hudson: Thanks again for helping me out with this hairography stuff.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, I mean, You know, it's all about getting warmed up. Could you think of a song, Maybe, that we could practice with? What about the, the one from Grease? You know, we did it when you first joined the Club?
Finn Hudson: Okay, only I was just mostly Nervous that day, but it...
Rachel Berry: Tell me about it... Stud.
Finn Hudson: # I got chills, they're multiplyin' #
# And I'm losing control #
# 'Cause the power you're supplyin' #
# It's electrifyin'! #
Rachel Berry: # You better shape up #
# 'Cause I need a man #
# But my heart is set on you #
Finn Hudson: Wait, stop, stop.
Rachel Berry: What's wrong?
Finn Hudson: I need to be honest with you. I'm-I'm really uncomfortable right now. I'm gonna say this as nicely as I possibly can, but you look like a sad clown hooker.
Rachel Berry: What?
Finn Hudson: This look, it just isn't you. I mean, maybe when I first saw it, I was caught off guard that you looked all adult and stuff, but it's not what's really great about you, Rachel. I actually like the way you usually dress, sequined leg warmers and stuff.
Rachel Berry: I thought this was what you liked.
Finn Hudson: No, not at all. Funny, I was just having this conversation last week with Kurt, and he asked me...



Kurt Hummel: So what kind of girls do you like?
Finn Hudson: Oh, uh, I like it when they're natural and stuff; Not a lot of makeup, not skintight clothes. That sort of thing, you know?
Kurt Hummel: Totally.



Rachel Berry: I feel like an idiot.
Finn Hudson: No, no, this is my fault. It isn't right for me to be here anyway. But I really like you, Rachel. I gotta go.



Quinn Fabray: I told you we should have been the cowboys.
Noah Puckerman: My bad.
Quinn Fabray: What are we gonna do about this? Who are you texting?!
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mike Ching. He's got wind problems.
Quinn Fabray: Well, put the phone down and help me with this knot. I've almost got it. Stop that! Not the table! Think of something!
Noah Puckerman: I brought my guitar. Why don't we sing them a lullaby?
Quinn Fabray: Give me this. Hey, kids, look at me. Want to see a real live music video?
Giardi Triplets: Yeah.
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
# Papa, I know you're going to be upset #
# 'Cause I was always your little girl #
# But you should know by now, I'm not a baby #
# You always taught me right from wrong #
# I need your help, daddy, please be strong #
# I may be young at heart, but I know what I'm sayin' #
# The one you warned me all about #
# The one you said I could do without #
# We're in an awful mess #
# And I don't mean maybe, please #
# Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep #
# Papa don't preach, I been losing sleep #
# But I made up my mind, I'm keepin' my baby #
# Ooh, I'm gonna keep my baby, mm-mm. #
Giardi Triplets: Sing it again.



Kendra Giardi: I think this is the first time they have all been asleep at the same time. What's that smell?
Quinn Fabray: Soap.
Carole Hudson: You got them to take a bath?
Kendra Giardi: What are you, an exorcist?



Will Schuester: She's like a jet, right? I need a new clutch and a new set of shocks, but she is really coming together.
Phil Giardi: What are you gonna do when the kid comes? You can't put a car seat in that thing. No latch system.
Noah Puckerman: You were awesome tonight.
Quinn Fabray: I was surprised at how I kinda enjoyed it. I was worried about you at first. You seemed distracted, all that texting to Mike.
Noah Puckerman: Distracted? I was the opposite, babe. I was totally into it. All I know is we proved something tonight: This parenting thing? We can do this.



Rachel Berry: You set me up... with Finn!
Kurt Hummel: Looks like someone is running for drama queen again.
Rachel Berry: How could you do that? I thought we were friends.
Kurt Hummel: And what made you think that? You should be thanking me. All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairytale.
Rachel Berry: You like him. Yeah, that's, that's what this is. And you were just trying to eliminate the competition.
Kurt Hummel: I was just helping him understand that you are not a viable second choice.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm a second choice?
Kurt Hummel: A distant second.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm living in a fairytale? If I were second or if I were 50th, I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, here's the dope, princess: there's no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn. They're having a baby together. We're nothing but distractions. The sooner we realize that... the better.



Santana Lopez: Keep your paws off my man. Clear?
Quinn Fabray: Who's your man?
Santana Lopez: Don't play stupid, tubbers. Oh, and for the record, asking someone to babysit with you is super '90s.
Quinn Fabray: I happen to know that Puck cares about me.
Santana Lopez: Oh, wake up! While you two were babysitting, Puck and I were sexting.
Quinn Fabray: Sexting?
Santana Lopez: Sexy texting. Seriously, what era are you from? While you two were "playing house," Puck and I were trading super-hot texts. Why don't you check his cell phone? 'Cause my sexts are too hot to erase.



Will Schuester: Thank you all for coming. We are so honored to have you guys here. So, without further ado, I present the New Directions.
Artie Abrams: # Yes, so crazy right now. #
# Most incredibly, #
# it's your boy Artie, #
# It's you're girl Mercedes. #
Mercedes Jones: # You ready? #
# Hey! #
New Directions: # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no-no-no #
# Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no-no-no #
Mercedes Jones: # I look and stare so deep in your eyes #
# I touch on you more and more every time #
# When you leave, I'm begging you not to go #
# Call your name two, three times in a row #
Artie Abrams: # I'm hairy high and low #
# Don't ask me why, I don't know, oh-oh-oh #
New Directions: # I'm going so crazy right now #
# Your love's got me looking so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' #
# So crazy right now #
Artie Abrams: # Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair #
# Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen #
New Directions: # Got me hoping you page me right now #
# Your kiss got me hopin' you save me right now #
# Lookin' so crazy, your love's got me lookin' #
# Got me lookin' so crazy, your love #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now #
Artie Abrams: # Down to here, down to there #
# Down to there, down to where it stops by itself #
# Where it stops by itself #
New Directions: # Oh-oh-oh, got me lookin' so crazy right now #
Artie Abrams: # so crazy #
New Directions: # Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now #
Mercedes Jones: # Crazy right now! #
Rachel Berry: It didn't work at all, did it?
Will Schuester: No, it's just the rehearsal. It's still just a little rough, but we're onto something.
Deaf Choir: # Imagine there's no heaven #
# It easy if you try #
# No hell below us #
# Above us, only sky #
# Imagine all the people #
# Living life for today #
Mercedes Jones: # Imagine there's no countries #
# It's not hard to do #
# Nothing to kill or die for #
# And no religion, too #
# Imagine all the people #
# Living life in peace. Yoo-hoo-ooh-ooh #
Artie Abrams: # You may say I'm a dreamer #
New Directions: # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh #
# But I'm not the only one #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# Ooh #
# And the world will be as one #
Rachel Berry: # Imagine no possessions #
# I wonder if you can #
Finn & Rachel: # No need for greed or hunger #
# A brotherhood of man #
New Directions: # Imagine all the people #
# Sharing all the world #
# You #
Mercedes Jones: # You may say I'm a dreamer #
New Directions: # Ooh #
# But I'm not the only one #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# And the world will live as one. #



Noah Puckerman: Hey, baby. Um... You really don't want to do that.
Quinn Fabray: You lied to me.
Noah Puckerman: I'm sorry. I tried to resist Santana. I did. But I'm young and girls have this power over me. But, hey, it's all good.
Quinn Fabray: It's definitely not all good. I thought you wanted to be with me.
Noah Puckerman: I do. Like, a lot. But you haven't given it up to me Since the night I knocked you up, And, baby, I'm a dude. I have needs.
Quinn Fabray: So, you expect to raise a baby with me and text dirty messages to every other girl at this school if I don't give it up to you every day?
Noah Puckerman: No. Just the hot girls. Look, I'm going to be a good dad, but I'm not going to stop being me to do it.



Quinn Fabray: You can have her.
Terri Schuester: Are you serious?
Quinn Fabray: A girl really needs a good father. And the only way she's going to get that Is if I give her to you. You think Mr. Schue's going to be a good father, don't you?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. I think he's going to be an amazing dad. Will!
Will Schuester: Hey, guys.
Terri Schuester: I thought you were going to be at the scrap yard all afternoon.
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, uh, change of plans. Got distracted with something else. Uh, Quinn, what are you doing here?
Terri Schuester: Oh, girl talk. We're exchanging pregnancy war stories.
Will Schuester: Oh, that's... nice. Well, when you get a sec, can you meet me out in the garage, Ter?
Quinn Fabray: Oh, I was just leaving, so...
Will Schuester: Yes?
Quinn Fabray: Later, Mr. Schue.



Terri Schuester: You know I hate surprises. Where's the blue bomber II?
Will Schuester: I sold it to some kid. For a tidy little profit. Let him have the fun. I made enough for a down payment on a car for our whole family. Oh, Terri. I love you. And our little girl. And I don't want anything to distract me from you guys.



Finn Hudson: Hi.
Quinn Fabray: Hi. Can we be in love again?
Finn Hudson: I have to tell you something first.I, uh... I want us to be honest with each other, no matter what.
Quinn Fabray: You can tell me anything.
Finn Hudson: Cool. Uh... It... it's not really even that big a deal. I mean, I didn't actually do anything, But, the other night, when you were babysitting... I kind of went over to Rachel's house. But nothing happened. I... just was worked up about us fighting and then she put on this really weird catwoman suit, and so I think something could have happened, but it didn't. Because I only want to be with you.
Quinn Fabray: It's all right. Thank you for being honest with me.
Finn Hudson: I love you, Quinn.
Quinn Fabray: I love you, too.



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. You got a sec?
Sue Sylvester: Sure.
Will Schuester: I owe you an apology. I did think the kids needed to be a little more showbiz and I was wrong. That isn't who they are. So, thank you for helping me see that. Oh, and, uh, here's the new set list.
Sue Sylvester: Mm-hmm. Wow, these are great choices, William. "Proud Mary." Smokin' hot deep cut.
Will Schuester: Smokin' hot!
Sue Sylvester: Don't mock me.
Will Schuester: Sorry.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I don't recognize this last one.
Will Schuester: Oh, that's the new addition. Yeah, I want the kids to forget everything I taught them about hairography because...



Will Schuester: We're starting from scratch. Grab a stool.
Artie Abrams: So, we're a stool choir now?
Will Schuester: Nope. We're not dancing with the stools. No gimmicks. No false theatricality. We're just going to sit in them and sing.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Mr. Schuester.



Sue Sylvester: This is their set list from sectionals. "Don't stop believing." That's in. "Proud Mary," Performed in wheelchairs. That's in. Now, I suggest you take these two songs, split them between your two groups, and I'll pull some strings and make sure that Schuester and his group perform last. That way, it'll look like he stole the songs from you.
Grace Hitchens: Um, who do you think I am?
Sue Sylvester: That's actually a very good question because I've forgotten both of your names.
Grace Hitchens: Look, I spend every waking hour of my day trying to teach those girls that lying and cheating is not the way you're ever going to get ahead. And you're suggesting I do exactly that, so that they can win a singing competition?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, pretty much. I think you're missing an opportunity to give your girls a second chance. These Mckinley kids are going to do fine. But outside of Glee Club, Your girls don't have a heck of a lot going for them. And I'd hate to see them so devastated by losing that they'd give up entirely. You know how many Deaf Choirs have won this competition?
Dalton Rumba: Okay. Everybody's going to need to speak up because I can't hear. Deaf in one ear. Scarlet fever.
Sue Sylvester: I assume you read lips. Read these. Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever.



New Directions: # Ah, ah, ah #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You with the sad eyes #
# Don't be discouraged #
# Oh, I realize it's hard to take courage #
# In a world full of people #
# You can lose sight of it all #
# And darkness, still inside you #
# Make you feel so small #
New Directions: # But I see your true colors shining through #
# I see your true colors #
# And that's why I love you #
# So don't be afraid to let them show #
# Your true colors #
# True colors are beautiful #
# Like a rainbow #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Show me a smile, then #
# Don't be unhappy #
# Can't remember when #
# I last saw you laughing #
# If this world makes you crazy #
# And you've taken all you can bear #
# You call me up because you know I'll be there #
New Directions: # And I see your true colors shining through #
# Yeah #
# I see your true colors and that's why I love you #
# So don't be afraid #
# Afraid to let them show #
# Your true colors #
# True colors #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # True colors #
# Are beautiful like a rainbow. #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week. Quinn's parents found out that she's pregnant, because Finn told them in song.
Finn Hudson: We didn't even have sex.
Ian Brennan: So kicked out, now she live in Finn's house, and everyone thinks Finn's the father, but really is Puck.
Quinn Fabray: I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk. I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed... on Glee.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, fella. So unless my recent write-up here in splits magazine naming me cheerleading coach of the decade has me driven completely insane, I'm pretty sure you and I had an agreement that you were going to show me your Glee Club set list for sectionals.
Will Schuester: Sorry, Sue. I didn't think you were all that interested in Glee Club anymore.
Sue Sylvester: Not interested? Well, I'm the fine arts administrator or something.
Will Schuester: Um... Well, I will make sure you get a copy.
Sue Sylvester: That'd be fantastic. I'd hate to have to go to Figgins about this. Hey, Will.
Will Schuester: Yes?
Sue Sylvester: I'd like my magazine back, please. Thank you.
Will Schuester: Here's the problem with Sue Sylvester: You never quite know where you stand. I knew she was up to something.



Will Schuester: Five, six, seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, Unh and seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, unh, You guys go. Step ball... Brittany? Coach Sylvester didn't tell me to do this.



Will Schuester: It kept getting worse.
Sue Sylvester: Hey there, pal. Would you remind me once again the names of the schools you'll be competing against at sectionals?
Will Schuester: Jane Addams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf.
Sue Sylvester: Got it. What are their zip codes?



Will Schuester: She's leaking our competitive set list to the other schools. If the other Glee Clubs get set lists and videos, they'll know exactly how to beat us at sectionals.
Emma Pillsbury: Well first, don't let Sue distract you, all right? And if you can't take Mohammad to the mountain, then you got to get Mohammad to bring the mountain down to his house. Mohammad's house, wherever he's staying.
Will Schuester: I don't understand.
Emma Pillsbury: Look, you should drive over to Jane Addams Academy and ask the director point-blank. If something's going on, you'll know.
Will Schuester: Hmm.



Will Schuester: All right. Oh, thanks.
Grace Hitchens: You're a good kid, Aphasia. Why did you try to rob a bank?
Aphasia: Because, Ms. Hitchens, that's where they keep the money.
Grace Hitchens: Go back to class.
Will Schuester: Uh, hi, Ms. Hitchens. I'm Will Schuester from Mckinley High.
Grace Hitchens: Aphasia! Give Mr. Schuester his wallet back.
Will Schuester: Wow, she's... She's good. Um... Thank you. Thank you for seeing me.
Grace Hitchens: We don't get a lot of other educators paying us visits.
Will Schuester: Right. Um... Well, the reason I'm here is... A little weird. So I guess the best thing for me to do is just come right out with it. I think our cheerleading coach has been passing along our set list for sectionals to you.
Grace Hitchens: What kind of messed up school are you people running? You think that because our students are thieves and arsonists, that we're cheaters, too.
Will Schuester: No, no, no, no, I... It's not that you, it's, it's Sue.
Grace Hitchens: Do you know that we don't have costumes? Or even an auditorium? Our show choir has to practice out in the rec yard. This is Ohio. We have weather.
Will Schuester: You don't have to tell me about underfunding for the arts.
Grace Hitchens: Look, all I know is that our choir seems to be the only thing that keeps my girls from recidivism. It makes them feel good about themselves. I'm not going to cheat and risk that just so we can get a leg up on your school of privileged misfits. Especially from what I hear. We're probably going to take you anyway.
Will Schuester: Really? And who'd you hear that from?
Grace Hitchens: I had my spies at your invitational. Want some coffee?
Will Schuester: Please. I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Let me make it up to you. You guys don't have an auditorium, come use ours. Yeah, let's have a little, uh, scrimmage at our place.



Will Schuester: Okay, guys, so first of all I want to welcome Ms. Hitchens and the Jane Addams Glee Club. We're all very happy to have you guys here. So, um, we're going to let you guys start us off. Let's see what you got.
Grace Hitchens: Hit it.
Jane Adams Academy: # Jayelle, can you handle this? #
# Shadonda, #
# can you handle this? #
# Aphasia, can you handle this? #
# I don't think they can handle this #
# Better move 'cause we've arrived #
# Lookin' sexy, lookin' fly #
# Baddest chicks, chicks inside #
# Deejay, jam tonight #
# Spotted me, a tender thang #
# There you are, come on, baby #
# Don't you wanna dance with me? #
# Can you handle, handle me? #
# Lookin' hot, smellin' good #
# Groovin' like I'm from the hood #
# Over my shoulder I'll blow you a kiss #
# Can you handle, handle this?#
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this #
# 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this #
# 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# Move your body up and down #
# ooh #
# Make your booty touch the ground #
# Ooh #
# I can't help but wonder why #
# Is my vibe too vibe-alicious for you, babe? #
# I shake my jelly at every chance #
# When I whip with my hips you slip into a trance #
# I'm hoping you can handle all this jelly that I have #
# Now let's cut a rug while we scat some jazz #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this, 'cause my body's #
# Too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this 'cause my #
# Body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready #
# For this jelly I don't think you're ready #
# For this jelly I don't think you're ready #
# For this 'cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe. #



Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, you seem concerned.
Will Schuester: What? No. I mean, they were great, but we're just as good.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, if I may. What they were doing was just all smoke and mirrors. It's called "hairography."
Will Schuester: What?
Rachel Berry: Hairography. All the whizzing of their hair around just to distract from the fact that they're not really good dancers. And their vocals were just so-so. Trust me. We've nothing to be afraid of.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. I did some thinking last night. I think I found our new number for sectionals. We're going to do the title song from Hair. Now, this show started a revolution.
Noah Puckerman: Wait, did they have mohawks back then? Like in the 20's or whatever?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, Mr. Schue, if we're going to do a song about hair, shouldn't we have more hair?
Will Schuester: One step ahead of you. Here are your wigs.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Rachel Berry: What are you doing? We are fine where we are. We don't need hairography. It's just a distraction.
Will Schuester: Look, I have to be honest. Those Jane Addams girls did freak me out a little. And I'm worried about our chances for sectionals. I mean, we have to pull out all the stops if we want to win. Looking great, guys!



Noah Puckerman: Saw it in a bookstore. Figured I'd steal it for you. You know, in case you change your mind and decide you want to keep it.
Quinn Fabray: That is so sweet. To be honest, I really don't know what I'm going to do about it anymore. My mind's pretty messed up about everything.
Noah Puckerman: Well, whatever you decide. No pressure.
Quinn Fabray: Thank God for Puck. Thanks to him, I'm starting to realize that what I need right now, even more than looser pants, is acceptance. Everyone is putting so much pressure on me. It's so easy for them to be distracted. I don't have that luxury. I am under siege.



Terri Schuester: You don't drink diet soda, do you? Because the phosphoric acid causes male pattern baldness.
Quinn Fabray: The baby's a girl.
Terri Schuester: Women go bald, too.
Kendra Giardi: You worry too much, Terri. Mom smoked and drank a bottle of riuniti on ice every night when she was pregnant with us and we're totally normal. Just take your vitamins, stay out of the hot tub, and avoid rum-based drinks, and you'll be fine.



Quinn Fabray: Maybe the problem isn't that I don't want to keep the baby. The problem is that I don't want to keep the baby with Finn. Maybe I didn't give Puck enough of a chance. He is the real dad, after all. Finn would freak if I started spending time with Puck though. I need to distract him so that I can take Puck for a test drive. But how? Mm, forget about it. She looks like a five year old. Still, maybe with a little bit of makeup...



Quinn Fabray: Hey, Kurt, can I pick your pink brain for a second?
Kurt Hummel: Why hello, Quinn. To what do I owe the honor? I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken to me.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry about that. Anyways, I have a proposition to make: A makeover.
Kurt Hummel: I'm in! Makeovers are like crack to me.
Quinn Fabray: Uh-huh.
Kurt Hummel: My suggestion... Spanx. Or a double-knit camisole with a control top for the baby bump. Also, babydoll dresses-- Dead giveaway.
Quinn Fabray: Not for me, for Rachel.
Kurt Hummel: Why would I want to do that? I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but... Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.
Quinn Fabray: My point exactly. You're as concerned about the Glee Club succeeding as I am, and she's a distraction. Look at her. She's wearing a pantsuit. Don't you think the judges are going to take one look at her and maybe want to knock her down a peg or two?
Kurt Hummel: And to think... I thought you were a dumb blonde. Deal.



Terri Schuester: Good night.
Will Schuester: Good night.
Terri Schuester: What are you doing?!
Will Schuester: I'm trying to be intimate with my wife.
Terri Schuester: No, you're trying to have sex.
Will Schuester: Wh...
Terri Schuester: Not intimacy. If you wanted intimacy, you... You would ask me how I'm feeling about being pregnant.
Will Schuester: You're right. I'm sorry.
Terri Schuester: It's okay.
Will Schuester: It will all be worth it when she shows up, right?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. Of course.
Will Schuester: Love you.
Terri Schuester: Love you. There's no way I can keep this up. He's gonna catch on. I miss him, too, though. I do want to have a family with him. I only ever started lying about all of this to give us a chance. I just need to buy myself some more time. I've got to distract him with something. But what?



Rachel Berry: Ow.
Kurt Hummel: The key is to never wax above the eyebrow. Always shape from below. Trust me, I get a lot of practice. Look at mine.
Rachel Berry: Kurt, why did you volunteer to give me a new look?
Kurt Hummel: One, I'm a sucker for makeovers, and two, you need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one. Which looks like where Strawberry shortcake and holly hobbie come to hook up. You're extremely talented, Rachel. Watching you perform is... amazing. But sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I'm thinking about is shoving a sock into your mouth.
Rachel Berry: Well, what kind of makeover did you have in mind?
Kurt Hummel: We need to broaden your appeal. I want every boy at school to do a double take when you strut past.
Rachel Berry: There's really only just... one boy that I'd like to impress. Can you keep a secret?
Kurt Hummel: Of course.
Rachel Berry: I'm in love with Finn.
Kurt Hummel: Really? I understand completely. Let's move on to makeup. I happen to know for a fact that Finn is attracted to loose women.
Rachel Berry: What? Quinn is so wholesome.
Kurt Hummel: Let me put this into musical theater parlance. In Grease, what did Sandy do to get Danny Zuko? She had to ditch the poodle skirt and slap on a cat suit. In short, she had to dress like a ho. Maybe if your look was better, more desirable, Finn would be in your arms right now. Instead of Quinn's.



Will Schuester: What's going on, Terr?
Terri Schuester: Just a couple more steps, okay? All right, stop.
Will Schuester: Okay. Is that the blue bomber? It is! I remember I took you to prom in this car. We did it in the backseat.
Terri Schuester: Well, this isn't actually your old car. I found this one on Ebay.
Will Schuester: You know, I always regretted selling this car.
Terri Schuester: I know. That's why I got you this one. I thought maybe working on it would be a-- A distraction from all the pressure that you've been under.
Will Schuester: You are the best.
Terri Schuester: Honey.
Will Schuester: Yeah?
Terri Schuester: Um, could you go and get me a frozen yogurt?
Will Schuester: Yeah, sure. Oh, maybe I'll stop by Pep Boys.Maybe they have some advice.
Terri Schuester: That's a good idea.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Terri Schuester: Take your time, honey.



Terri Schuester: How could you bring her here? What if he saw her?
Kendra Giardi: You're gonna want to hear this. I gave little miss peroxide my phone number in case of an emergency, and she called to drop the bomb on me.
Terri Schuester: What? What bomb? What is it?
Quinn Fabray: I'm keeping my baby.



Will Schuester: Look, we had no intention of discriminating against your Glee Club, Mr. Rumba. We extended an invitation to the Jane Addams Academy to perform, because we're lucky enough to have better facilities than they do.
Dalton Rumba: And you think we don't have the same problem? I run the Glee Club at a school for the deaf. You think I'm rolling around in Deaf Choir money? Now sure, my kids may be deaf, but that shouldn't distract everyone from the fact that they still have a song in their heart, and they should have the same chance as everyone else to express it. Now I had scarlet fever as a kid, leaving me deaf in one ear. So I remember what it's like to have full hearing, but my poor kids don't know the difference. All they know is that they love performing. And then they have to hear that Mckinley went and invited those bad girls to the school. That's just not fair. It's not fair.
Will Schuester: I think your phone's ringing.
Dalton Rumba: What?
Will Schuester: Your phone's ringing.
Dalton Rumba: No, I got it on vibrate. All I am saying is that it would be nice if you went and hosted another scrimmage and had the courtesy to invite us this time.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.
Dalton Rumba: What's that?
Will Schuester: I said I agree with you.
Dalton Rumba: Okay, I can't hear you. Talk into this ear. Scarlet fever.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry... You're on! Um, how's Monday?
Dalton Rumba: No, it has to be Monday.
Will Schuester: Yes! All right! Monday! I can't wait to see the kids do their numbers!
Dalton Rumba: You don't have to make fun of me with those hand gestures.
Will Schuester: No, I didn't... I didn't mean to.
Dalton Rumba: Let me check with my secretary. Oh, damn, four missed calls. What's that?
Will Schuester: I didn't say anything.
Dalton Rumba: Yes, thank you. I take it black, two sugars. Hello. Hello?!



Terri Schuester: I can't do this anymore. It's time to tell him.
Will Schuester: Terri?
Terri Schuester: Yeah, honey?
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, kendra.
Kendra Giardi: Damn, Will. You make one sexy grease monkey.
Will Schuester: I am having so much fun. Working with my hands, searching for parts all over town. I feel like I'm in a Springsteen song. Well, I got to get some old dish towels-- Mop up the grime.
Terri Schuester: Oh, God.
Kendra Giardi: That car is the perfect distraction. I would get something like that for Phil if I didn't think it would make him so happy.
Terri Schuester: What's the difference? He's going to get pretty damn suspicious when I come home from the hospital without a baby.
Kendra Giardi: You need to relax. And drink more. I have got this whole thing figured out.
Terri Schuester: You do?
Kendra Giardi: Mm-hmm. Blondie's due date is right around spring break. You and I are going to have a lady's week at a spa down in Cinci that caters to the prenatal set. But, in reality, we're gonna be camped out at Wu's office with Quinn until that high school hussy drops.
Terri Schuester: That's a great plan. Except for the fact that Quinn won't give us her baby anymore.
Kendra Giardi: But she will, dummy. We have to distract her with the reality of her situation.
Terri Schuester: How are we going to do that?
Kendra Giardi: She needs money. I'm going to have her babysit my kids. Five minutes alone with those little mongrels and she'll have her tubes tied.
Terri Schuester: You're so smart.
Kendra Giardi: You got the beauty, but I got the brains and the beauty.



Finn Hudson: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Oh, hey, Finn. I didn't see you there. Did you want to ask me something?
Finn Hudson: Uh, yeah, I-I just, I forgot. I got distracted.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'm glad I got your attention. I wanted to know if you wanted to come over on Friday night. As someone who's had long, luxurious locks since I was a toddler in the pageant circuit, I figured I could give you some tips on our hair number.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, that'd be great.
Rachel Berry: Great. How's 8:00?
Finn Hudson: 8:00 is terrific. It's terrific.
Kurt Hummel: Objective achieved. Commence phase two.
Finn Hudson: Hey, Quinn. I, uh, wanted to ask your permission to maybe do something on Friday night, if...
Quinn Fabray: Oh, that's fine. I'm babysitting anyways.
Finn Hudson: Oh, cool. I'll see ya.
Quinn Fabray: Hey, What are you doing on Friday?
Noah Puckerman: Just the usual. Was going to stand outside the 7-eleven looking depressed until someone offered to buy me beer, but what's going on?
Quinn Fabray: You want to maybe babysit with me?



Will Schuester: Some of you, particularly the guys, have come up to me with some questions about hairography. One of our own has volunteered to walk us through it. She has got it down. Brittany, take it away.
Brittany S. Pierce: Take what away?
Will Schuester: Show us what you got.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh.
Will Schuester: All right.
Brittany S. Pierce: So, hairography. It works best when you pretend like you're getting tasered. So you just move your head around like you're spazzing and stuff.
Will Schuester: Very nice.
Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, it's like cool epilepsy.
Will Schuester: Come on, guys. Let's see what you got. Good, guys, yeah. Just relax and go for it, all right.
Will Schuester: When is the lying going to stop, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I don't know what you're talking about.
Will Schuester: You've been spying on me and we both know it. You'll do anything to torpedo Glee Club. And it has got to stop!
Sue Sylvester: I resent that accusation, William. And one I understand you've been making to our friends at Haverbrook and Jane Addams. And it's an outrageous affront to my sterling reputation! That being said, fine, I have been checking up on you. Because I don't like what's going on in there. Do you know why I make each of my cheerios wear her hair pulled back in a ponytail? Because I don't want to distract from her impeccable talent. You seem to be taking the opposite approach, Will. And that leads me to believe you know your kids don't have what it takes.
Will Schuester: I believe in my kids.
Sue Sylvester: Well, maybe in the beginning, but not now. Now that you've seen the competition that threatens your very position at this school! You're going to get me an updated set list by 5:00 tomorrow. And if there's anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I'm cutting it!
Will Schuester: I will not let you dictate my number choices. And you are not getting that list.
Sue Sylvester: Well, then I'm back as co-director.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, from the top.



Rachel Berry: I'll just be a second.
Finn Hudson: Thanks again for helping me out with this hairography stuff.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, I mean, You know, it's all about getting warmed up. Could you think of a song, Maybe, that we could practice with? What about the, the one from Grease? You know, we did it when you first joined the Club?
Finn Hudson: Okay, only I was just mostly Nervous that day, but it...
Rachel Berry: Tell me about it... Stud.
Finn Hudson: # I got chills, they're multiplyin' #
# And I'm losing control #
# 'Cause the power you're supplyin' #
# It's electrifyin'! #
Rachel Berry: # You better shape up #
# 'Cause I need a man #
# But my heart is set on you #
Finn Hudson: Wait, stop, stop.
Rachel Berry: What's wrong?
Finn Hudson: I need to be honest with you. I'm-I'm really uncomfortable right now. I'm gonna say this as nicely as I possibly can, but you look like a sad clown hooker.
Rachel Berry: What?
Finn Hudson: This look, it just isn't you. I mean, maybe when I first saw it, I was caught off guard that you looked all adult and stuff, but it's not what's really great about you, Rachel. I actually like the way you usually dress, sequined leg warmers and stuff.
Rachel Berry: I thought this was what you liked.
Finn Hudson: No, not at all. Funny, I was just having this conversation last week with Kurt, and he asked me...



Kurt Hummel: So what kind of girls do you like?
Finn Hudson: Oh, uh, I like it when they're natural and stuff; Not a lot of makeup, not skintight clothes. That sort of thing, you know?
Kurt Hummel: Totally.



Rachel Berry: I feel like an idiot.
Finn Hudson: No, no, this is my fault. It isn't right for me to be here anyway. But I really like you, Rachel. I gotta go.



Quinn Fabray: I told you we should have been the cowboys.
Noah Puckerman: My bad.
Quinn Fabray: What are we gonna do about this? Who are you texting?!
Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mike Ching. He's got wind problems.
Quinn Fabray: Well, put the phone down and help me with this knot. I've almost got it. Stop that! Not the table! Think of something!
Noah Puckerman: I brought my guitar. Why don't we sing them a lullaby?
Quinn Fabray: Give me this. Hey, kids, look at me. Want to see a real live music video?
Giardi Triplets: Yeah.
Quinn Fabray: Okay.
# Papa, I know you're going to be upset #
# 'Cause I was always your little girl #
# But you should know by now, I'm not a baby #
# You always taught me right from wrong #
# I need your help, daddy, please be strong #
# I may be young at heart, but I know what I'm sayin' #
# The one you warned me all about #
# The one you said I could do without #
# We're in an awful mess #
# And I don't mean maybe, please #
# Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep #
# Papa don't preach, I been losing sleep #
# But I made up my mind, I'm keepin' my baby #
# Ooh, I'm gonna keep my baby, mm-mm. #
Giardi Triplets: Sing it again.



Kendra Giardi: I think this is the first time they have all been asleep at the same time. What's that smell?
Quinn Fabray: Soap.
Carole Hudson: You got them to take a bath?
Kendra Giardi: What are you, an exorcist?



Will Schuester: She's like a jet, right? I need a new clutch and a new set of shocks, but she is really coming together.
Phil Giardi: What are you gonna do when the kid comes? You can't put a car seat in that thing. No latch system.
Noah Puckerman: You were awesome tonight.
Quinn Fabray: I was surprised at how I kinda enjoyed it. I was worried about you at first. You seemed distracted, all that texting to Mike.
Noah Puckerman: Distracted? I was the opposite, babe. I was totally into it. All I know is we proved something tonight: This parenting thing? We can do this.



Rachel Berry: You set me up... with Finn!
Kurt Hummel: Looks like someone is running for drama queen again.
Rachel Berry: How could you do that? I thought we were friends.
Kurt Hummel: And what made you think that? You should be thanking me. All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairytale.
Rachel Berry: You like him. Yeah, that's, that's what this is. And you were just trying to eliminate the competition.
Kurt Hummel: I was just helping him understand that you are not a viable second choice.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm a second choice?
Kurt Hummel: A distant second.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm living in a fairytale? If I were second or if I were 50th, I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, here's the dope, princess: there's no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn. They're having a baby together. We're nothing but distractions. The sooner we realize that... the better.



Santana Lopez: Keep your paws off my man. Clear?
Quinn Fabray: Who's your man?
Santana Lopez: Don't play stupid, tubbers. Oh, and for the record, asking someone to babysit with you is super '90s.
Quinn Fabray: I happen to know that Puck cares about me.
Santana Lopez: Oh, wake up! While you two were babysitting, Puck and I were sexting.
Quinn Fabray: Sexting?
Santana Lopez: Sexy texting. Seriously, what era are you from? While you two were "playing house," Puck and I were trading super-hot texts. Why don't you check his cell phone? 'Cause my sexts are too hot to erase.



Will Schuester: Thank you all for coming. We are so honored to have you guys here. So, without further ado, I present the New Directions.
Artie Abrams: # Yes, so crazy right now. #
# Most incredibly, #
# it's your boy Artie, #
# It's you're girl Mercedes. #
Mercedes Jones: # You ready? #
# Hey! #
New Directions: # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no-no-no #
# Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no-no-no #
Mercedes Jones: # I look and stare so deep in your eyes #
# I touch on you more and more every time #
# When you leave, I'm begging you not to go #
# Call your name two, three times in a row #
Artie Abrams: # I'm hairy high and low #
# Don't ask me why, I don't know, oh-oh-oh #
New Directions: # I'm going so crazy right now #
# Your love's got me looking so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' #
# So crazy right now #
Artie Abrams: # Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair #
# Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen #
New Directions: # Got me hoping you page me right now #
# Your kiss got me hopin' you save me right now #
# Lookin' so crazy, your love's got me lookin' #
# Got me lookin' so crazy, your love #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now #
Artie Abrams: # Down to here, down to there #
# Down to there, down to where it stops by itself #
# Where it stops by itself #
New Directions: # Oh-oh-oh, got me lookin' so crazy right now #
Artie Abrams: # so crazy #
New Directions: # Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now #
Mercedes Jones: # Crazy right now! #
Rachel Berry: It didn't work at all, did it?
Will Schuester: No, it's just the rehearsal. It's still just a little rough, but we're onto something.
Deaf Choir: # Imagine there's no heaven #
# It easy if you try #
# No hell below us #
# Above us, only sky #
# Imagine all the people #
# Living life for today #
Mercedes Jones: # Imagine there's no countries #
# It's not hard to do #
# Nothing to kill or die for #
# And no religion, too #
# Imagine all the people #
# Living life in peace. Yoo-hoo-ooh-ooh #
Artie Abrams: # You may say I'm a dreamer #
New Directions: # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh #
# But I'm not the only one #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# Ooh #
# And the world will be as one #
Rachel Berry: # Imagine no possessions #
# I wonder if you can #
Finn & Rachel: # No need for greed or hunger #
# A brotherhood of man #
New Directions: # Imagine all the people #
# Sharing all the world #
# You #
Mercedes Jones: # You may say I'm a dreamer #
New Directions: # Ooh #
# But I'm not the only one #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# And the world will live as one. #



Noah Puckerman: Hey, baby. Um... You really don't want to do that.
Quinn Fabray: You lied to me.
Noah Puckerman: I'm sorry. I tried to resist Santana. I did. But I'm young and girls have this power over me. But, hey, it's all good.
Quinn Fabray: It's definitely not all good. I thought you wanted to be with me.
Noah Puckerman: I do. Like, a lot. But you haven't given it up to me Since the night I knocked you up, And, baby, I'm a dude. I have needs.
Quinn Fabray: So, you expect to raise a baby with me and text dirty messages to every other girl at this school if I don't give it up to you every day?
Noah Puckerman: No. Just the hot girls. Look, I'm going to be a good dad, but I'm not going to stop being me to do it.



Quinn Fabray: You can have her.
Terri Schuester: Are you serious?
Quinn Fabray: A girl really needs a good father. And the only way she's going to get that Is if I give her to you. You think Mr. Schue's going to be a good father, don't you?
Terri Schuester: Yeah. I think he's going to be an amazing dad. Will!
Will Schuester: Hey, guys.
Terri Schuester: I thought you were going to be at the scrap yard all afternoon.
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, uh, change of plans. Got distracted with something else. Uh, Quinn, what are you doing here?
Terri Schuester: Oh, girl talk. We're exchanging pregnancy war stories.
Will Schuester: Oh, that's... nice. Well, when you get a sec, can you meet me out in the garage, Ter?
Quinn Fabray: Oh, I was just leaving, so...
Will Schuester: Yes?
Quinn Fabray: Later, Mr. Schue.



Terri Schuester: You know I hate surprises. Where's the blue bomber II?
Will Schuester: I sold it to some kid. For a tidy little profit. Let him have the fun. I made enough for a down payment on a car for our whole family. Oh, Terri. I love you. And our little girl. And I don't want anything to distract me from you guys.



Finn Hudson: Hi.
Quinn Fabray: Hi. Can we be in love again?
Finn Hudson: I have to tell you something first.I, uh... I want us to be honest with each other, no matter what.
Quinn Fabray: You can tell me anything.
Finn Hudson: Cool. Uh... It... it's not really even that big a deal. I mean, I didn't actually do anything, But, the other night, when you were babysitting... I kind of went over to Rachel's house. But nothing happened. I... just was worked up about us fighting and then she put on this really weird catwoman suit, and so I think something could have happened, but it didn't. Because I only want to be with you.
Quinn Fabray: It's all right. Thank you for being honest with me.
Finn Hudson: I love you, Quinn.
Quinn Fabray: I love you, too.



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. You got a sec?
Sue Sylvester: Sure.
Will Schuester: I owe you an apology. I did think the kids needed to be a little more showbiz and I was wrong. That isn't who they are. So, thank you for helping me see that. Oh, and, uh, here's the new set list.
Sue Sylvester: Mm-hmm. Wow, these are great choices, William. "Proud Mary." Smokin' hot deep cut.
Will Schuester: Smokin' hot!
Sue Sylvester: Don't mock me.
Will Schuester: Sorry.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I don't recognize this last one.
Will Schuester: Oh, that's the new addition. Yeah, I want the kids to forget everything I taught them about hairography because...



Will Schuester: We're starting from scratch. Grab a stool.
Artie Abrams: So, we're a stool choir now?
Will Schuester: Nope. We're not dancing with the stools. No gimmicks. No false theatricality. We're just going to sit in them and sing.
Rachel Berry: Thanks, Mr. Schuester.



Sue Sylvester: This is their set list from sectionals. "Don't stop believing." That's in. "Proud Mary," Performed in wheelchairs. That's in. Now, I suggest you take these two songs, split them between your two groups, and I'll pull some strings and make sure that Schuester and his group perform last. That way, it'll look like he stole the songs from you.
Grace Hitchens: Um, who do you think I am?
Sue Sylvester: That's actually a very good question because I've forgotten both of your names.
Grace Hitchens: Look, I spend every waking hour of my day trying to teach those girls that lying and cheating is not the way you're ever going to get ahead. And you're suggesting I do exactly that, so that they can win a singing competition?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, pretty much. I think you're missing an opportunity to give your girls a second chance. These Mckinley kids are going to do fine. But outside of Glee Club, Your girls don't have a heck of a lot going for them. And I'd hate to see them so devastated by losing that they'd give up entirely. You know how many Deaf Choirs have won this competition?
Dalton Rumba: Okay. Everybody's going to need to speak up because I can't hear. Deaf in one ear. Scarlet fever.
Sue Sylvester: I assume you read lips. Read these. Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever.



New Directions: # Ah, ah, ah #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You with the sad eyes #
# Don't be discouraged #
# Oh, I realize it's hard to take courage #
# In a world full of people #
# You can lose sight of it all #
# And darkness, still inside you #
# Make you feel so small #
New Directions: # But I see your true colors shining through #
# I see your true colors #
# And that's why I love you #
# So don't be afraid to let them show #
# Your true colors #
# True colors are beautiful #
# Like a rainbow #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Show me a smile, then #
# Don't be unhappy #
# Can't remember when #
# I last saw you laughing #
# If this world makes you crazy #
# And you've taken all you can bear #
# You call me up because you know I'll be there #
New Directions: # And I see your true colors shining through #
# Yeah #
# I see your true colors and that's why I love you #
# So don't be afraid #
# Afraid to let them show #
# Your true colors #
# True colors #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # True colors #
# Are beautiful like a rainbow. #
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112. Mattress

放送日:2009年12月2日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week... Emma and Ken are getting married... though it seems she really likes Will...
Emma Pillsbury: If we were gonna rate crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
Ian Brennan: Which Ken kinda noticed... which makes him really NOT like Will.
Ken Tanaka: You and I... The whole world knows that I'm just a consolation prize to you. How do you think that makes me feel?
Ian Brennan: Also, Terri said she's pregnant...
Will Schuester: Wow.
Ian Brennan: But really, she's faking and Mr. Schuster doesn't know.
Terri Schuester: This baby's the only reason he's still here.
Ian Brennan: Will's busy getting the kids ready for sectionals where they're up against a school for the deaf...
Dalton Rumba: I can't hear you. Talk into this ear. Scarlet fever.
Will Schuester: You're on!
Ian Brennan: And a group of juvie girls.
Grace Hitchens: Aphasia, give Mr. Schuster his wallet back.
Ian Brennan: But it turns out both of them are really good.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's like cool epilepsy.
Ian Brennan: Also, Sue kicked Quinn out of the cheerios because she's pregnant.
Sue Sylvester: I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.
Ian Brennan: It's not very nice, but neither is Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Those drinks are crap!
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on... Glee.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. Mind if I join you? So, what's with all the primping?
Emma Pillsbury: Yearbook pictures. This is the 50th edition of the McKinley high school Thunderclap.
Ken Tanaka: I'm going to drop 20 pounds by Friday, look smoking hot for that photo, and be down to a trim 210 for the wedding a week Saturday.
Emma Pillsbury: Of course, the wedding was going to be in Hawaii, but then they told me I couldn't bring my own fruit, so...
Will Schuester: But, sectionals is a week from Saturday.
Ken Tanaka: Oh, man. Looks like you won't be able to make it, Eminem.
Emma Pillsbury: I, um, I totally forgot about sectionals. I'm-I'm sorry. I wanted to go. For the kids.
Ken Tanaka: We're not rescheduling. The vfw hall is booked till next June. The only reason this Saturday is available Is 'cause it's the one year anniversary of that grisly fish fry shoot-out. I got a monster discount. We just got to be out of there before the candlelight vigil.
Emma Pillsbury: I remember. Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you?
Sue Sylvester: Edie. Wiliam. You. Every year, when the photos for the thunderclap come around, I always elect to have a little work done. This year, I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them. You know, I got a storage unit Full of trophies and medallions. But, for the rest of you educators, These yearbook pictures Are really the only concrete proof you have That anything you've done In your sorry little lives Has made any difference whatsoever. My cheerios are so excited. Got them on a yam diet. It draws the water out of the skin.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm sure my glee kids are going to be excited, too.
Sue Sylvester: Well, glee kids don't get a photo.
Emma Pillsbury: What? Why is that?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I just had a meeting with principal Figgins, Eleanor, and what with all the vandalism of the glee club photos over the years, I convinced him that putting the glee kids In this year's thunderclap was subjecting the little freaks To more humiliation and ridicule.
Will Schuester: Why can't you just accept the fact that my kids Are going to take sectionals this year?
Sue Sylvester: That's not happening.
Will Schuester: And stop with the pointless vendetta.
Emma Pillsbury: Right. This is so not fair, Sue.
Will Schuester: You know, I'm going to talk to Figgins about this.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, good luck with that. You know, you three are boring me now. I'm going to go do something else.



Kurt Hummel: Where's Rachel?
Finn Hudson: She's not here yet.
Kurt Hummel: Perfect. Glee club stands on a delicate precipice. We have all felt the cold Humiliation of a slushie in the face. But as of right now, our relative anonymity as a club Shields us from more severe persecution— Swirlies. Patriotic wedgies.
Mercedes Jones: What's a patriotic wedgie?
Finn Hudson: It's when they hoist you up the flag pole by your undies.
Artie Abrams: Strangely, it did make me feel more American.
Kurt Hummel: Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook photo Would only fuel the flames of anti-glee-club terror. I've done a little library research. Peter gellar. Glee club second tenor, 1998. He can be seen here with both A drawn on Hitler mustache and rice paddy hat. Shortly after the yearbook came out, Mr. Gellar had a nervous breakdown. He is now the homeless man Who sleeps in front of the public library.
Quinn Fabray: Patches?
Kurt Hummel: Patches.
Brittany S. Pierce: He barks at my mom.
Kurt Hummel: Exhibit b. Tawny Peterson. Glee club class of 2000. Seen here in her photo with a cartoon knife stuck in her head, In a macabre tableau that, in four years, Would prove eerily prescient. I think I speak for all of us when I say That not having to pose for a yearbook photo Might be a blessing in disguise. I suggest not fighting Figgins' ruling.
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, guys. Ah. Looking at old thunderclaps?
Artie Abrams: It's really unsettling.
Will Schuester: And totally unfair. Hey, can I borrow one of these? You know what?This year's thunderclap Is going to have a glee club photo with every one of your smiling faces. You have my word on it.



Principal Figgins: Schue, I'm doing the glee club a solid. We're denying the opportunity to other children To further humiliate them.
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Those kids get up on stage all the time, No matter what anyone thinks of them, and they perform. They don't let anyone or anything get to them. That's something you should encourage. Sue is wrong!
Principal Figgins: Fine. I'll give them a photo.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Principal Figgins: For $1, 000.
Will Schuester: What?
Principal Figgins: That's what is costs. The yearbook is prime advertising space, Schue. Frederickson's funeral parlor Experienced a 1.3% increase in revenue After their full page ad last year in the thunderclap.
Will Schuester: Okay, um... What about a quarter page? How much does that cost?
Principal Figgins: $325. That will buy you enough space for a photo of two members of the glee club. Right below the advertisement For Uncle Sandro's chicken inside of a waffle.
Will Schuester: Figgins, that's a lot of money.
Principal Figgins: It's a compromise, Schue. Now, I suggest you select a good-looking cheerleader— Not the pregnant one— and the quarterback for the photo As their faces are less likely To be scratched out with safety pins.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuster, I'm very sorry to interrupt. Principal Figgins, As you very well may know, this is my first year In glee club and I've just been informed That new directions has not been afforded a yearbook photo. As you might expect, my two gay dads Have a very close relationship with our local branch of the aclu and if it's up to me...
Will Schuester: Beat you to the punch, Rachel. It's all good. We're in the yearbook.
Rachel Berry: Oh. Fantastic. Thank you so much.



Rachel Berry: Make fun of me all you want, but school pictures are everything to me. They're great practice for getting photographed By the paparazzi. Invasive as the press may be, Stars are dependent on them for their fame, and I feel I must be prepared. In order to do so, I join every club I possibly can. Know you're thinking that I'm just joining all of these clubs To give off the appearance that I'm involved, known to exist, but glee club is different. I really love glee and I believe in what we stand for. We've come from behind, Dismissed and ridiculed by everyone, and we've made something of ourselves, Something that I'm proud to be a part of, Something I want to be remembered for.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, that's got the whole flag.
Quinn Fabray: I miss my cheerios uniform. Made me feel safe. Contained. Even when I was feeling left out, at least I looked like I was a part of something. I want my kids to be able to look back at these books and see who I was, make them proud. Not the bastard one I'm carrying now, of course, The ones I'll have when I'm married and ready. I might not look like the head cheerleader anymore, but I'm still her on the inside. I'm done playing the victim. When that cheerleading picture is taken for the yearbook, I'm going to be in it and back on the squad, Whether Sue Sylvester likes it or not.



Will Schuester: Hey, baby. Which one of these ties goes better with my shirt?
Terri Schuester: You're blocking the tv, Will.
Will Schuester: Oh, come on. I need your help. School pictures are coming up.
Terri Schuester: Oh. Well, in that case, um... Wear the red one for the teacher photo and the green one for the glee club. It'll pop more when the cool kids deface it.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I, uh... I wanted to talk to you about that. So, Figgins stopped putting the glee club photo in the yearbook Because it always gets vandalized, and I just feel so bad for the kids. I mean, they work so hard. They deserve to be recognized. Not being in that book gives the appearance That glee club isn't important. I want to buy an ad and use it as the glee club photo spread. It's around $300.
Terri Schuester: Oh, great. Yeah, why don't you take the food Out of the refrigerator and just give that to the kids? Will, that food goes from my mouth Right into our baby's belly.
Will Schuester: We have a couple hundred bucks left over From selling the blue bomber II.
Terri Schuester: The answer's no, Will. No.
Will Schuester: But if we...
Terri Schuester: No! No. No.



Will Schuester: Actually, can you wait to cash that until Thursday?



Rachel Berry: Kurt, I have a fantastic idea for a club that would officially make me the most involved student In the whole school. I want us to start a gaylesball.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry?
Rachel Berry: The gay-lesbian alliance. Gay-lesb-all.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys! Great news! Glee club gets a photo in the thunderclap. Yep. It's going to show everyone at the school That glee club is on its way up. When we win regionals, Those claps are going to be collector's items. I mean, all of your classmates are going to be Begging for your autographs. But I had to compromise to do it. Um, we only get a quarter page in back. Which means we have to pick two team captains To appear in the photo. So, tomorrow we're going to put it to a vote. Exciting, huh? All right.



Mercedes Jones: Well, we're all here. I guess we should vote.
Rachel Berry: With your permission, I have prepared a few words.
Mercedes Jones: I nominate Rachel.
Kurt Hummel: Second.
Noah Puckerman: All right, let's vote up in this piece. I gotta go hit the gym and load up the guns of Puckerone For the football picture.
Will Schuester: Looks like everybody voted for Rachel. Including Rachel. But we need two captains, guys.
Quinn Fabray: Why two? We're fine with having Rachel represent us In the thunderclap by herself.
Kurt Hummel: We'd actually prefer it.



Will Schuester: The worst part is That after all this time, They're still embarrassed to be in glee club. I mean, they still see themselves as losers. To step up and become co-captain.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, maybe you should let them use the captain They already elected. You know, sometimes sound a lot different coming from a peer. Even if that peer is an annoying as Rachel. You know, None of this is going to matter if they win at sectionals. I'm really sorry I can't be there.
Will Schuester: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. I-I kind of think Ken scheduled your wedding The same day on purpose. You know, So... So you couldn't go.
Emma Pillsbury: Why would he do that?
Will Schuester: Come on. We both know how he feels about our... relationship.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm marrying Ken, Will. Look, I know that I've... I've definitely given him reason in the past To be jealous, but I need you to know That I'm done with that now. Ken has a lot of flaws. He has 74 flaws as of yesterday, but, you know what, He is not vindictive. He's actually a very good man. He is kind and he's great with the students here at McKinley. We have that in common. And yes, it's true, his hygiene could be a lot better, but he is absolutely full of compassion And... Well, that is why I'm marrying him.
Will Schuester: You're right. I was out of line. It won't happen again.



Rachel Berry: You wanted to see me, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, Rach. Sit down. So, how's the new captaincy going?
Rachel Berry: I think that my unanimous election Gave me a very strong mandate to shake things up.
Will Schuester: Great. Well, I have a job for you, captain. We need a co-captain. You have so many great ideas, No reason you shouldn't have some help Pushing them through.
Rachel Berry: I could use a trusty lieutenant. I do have over 65 proposals.
Will Schuester: So, can I count on you?
Rachel Berry: No problem. I'm on it.



Mercedes Jones: Um, I can't be co-captain. No time. Kwanza.
Rachel Berry: Kwanza's late December, Mercedes. The photo's this Thursday.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, prepping early this year.



Artie Abrams: I'd love to be in the photo, Rachel, but you'd be standing and I'd be sitting and it would throw off the whole composition.
Rachel Berry: I'll lean over.
Artie Abrams: But if you lean over... It will look like you have stomach rolls.
Rachel Berry: On second thought, I don't think that you're leadership material, Artie.
Artie Abrams: Follower.



Rachel Berry: Brittany, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Brittany S. Pierce: No way.
Rachel Berry: Why not?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because I don't want to be in a picture with you. It'll get defaced.
Rachel Berry: No, it won't.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, it will. I'll be the one doing it.



Rachel Berry: I'm desperate. Glee club needs you, Finn.
Finn Hudson: I'm totally honored you asked me, but don't you think you should pick somebody Who, like, cares more? Not that I don't, but I just have football and friends and stuff.
Rachel Berry: Glee club only started working after you joined. Face it, we wouldn't have all of the cheerleaders and football players in the club If it wasn't for you.
Finn Hudson: You know I love glee club. I just don't know why I have to represent it.
Rachel Berry: Because you're a leader, Finn. And that's what leaders do. They stick their necks out for people that they care about. There are stakes here. Morale is low, you know it. If things don't change, We're not even going to place at sectionals. And then the club is over. I can't do this alone.
Finn Hudson: You don't have to. I am a leader. That's who I am, who I want to be. You got yourself a co-captain. I'll do the picture with you.



Rachel Berry: I totally understand that as captain of the football team, You've worked really hard to project an appearance of steely toughness, but glee club is different. We have to present the appearance of positivity and optimism. So... We're gonna practice, and I'm going to teach you How to smile correctly for your photo.
# when you first left me, I was wanting more #
# you were kissing that girl next door #
# what'd you do that for? #
Finn Hudson: # what'd you do that for? #
Rachel Berry: # when you first left me
Finn & Rachel: # I didn't know what to say #
Rachel Berry: # I never been on my own that way #
# just sat by myself all day #
# I was so lost back then #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Rachel Berry: # but with a little help from my friends #
# I found a light in the tunnel at the end #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Rachel Berry: # and now you're calling me up on the phone #
# so you can have a little whine and a moan #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Rachel Berry: # and it's only because you're feeling alone #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Finn & Rachel: # at first, when I see you cry... #
# it makes me smile #
# yeah, it makes me smile #
# at worst I feel bad for a while #
# but then I just smile #
# I go ahead and smile #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la #
Rachel Berry: # at first when I see you cry #
Finn Hudson: # see you cry #
Rachel Berry: # it makes me smile #
Finn Hudson: # makes me smile #
Rachel Berry: # yeah, it makes me smile #
Finn Hudson: # yeah, it makes me smile #
Rachel Berry: # at worst I feel bad for a while #
Finn Hudson: # feel bad for a while #
Rachel Berry: # but then I just smile #
Finn Hudson: # smile #
Rachel Berry: # I go ahead and smile #
Finn Hudson: # go ahead and smile. #



Finn Hudson: What the hell?!
Azimio Adams: Hey, man, shh, we're practicing, dude. Chill out.
Dave Karofsky: We heard you're going to be in the glee club photo, and we don't want to mess up messing it up.
Finn Hudson: Screw you, Karofsky! I'm sick of you pulling people down.
Azimio Adams: Hey, man, don't talk that kum-bah-yay-yah crap. All right, you know the system's put in place To keep order around here. You know what, I'm gonna give you some options, okay? Do you want me to put the Hitler mustache On your glee club picture, or you want the buck teeth On your glee club picture? Which one do you want? It don't matter to me either way. I'll put...
Dave Karofsky: Hey, how do you spell "loser"? I'm gonna write it on his forehead.
Azimio Adams: His big ol' potato head. You could write a whole haiku on that thing.



Dennis Halberstadt: Can we shake a leg here?
Rachel Berry: Fine. I'm ready. I'll... do it myself. Wait, I... I insist on only being shot from my left side.
Dennis Halberstadt: Yeah, I kind of need to see your teeth.
Rachel Berry: It's sort of my job here. I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm upset. My co-captain bailed and it just... I'm sorry, I just need a minute. Snap out of this. Stop being defined by what other people think of you, Or how they disappoint you. It's lonely at the top, you know that. What's that song about overcoming Professional and personal disappointments? Oh, yeah.
# when you're smiling, when you're smiling #
# the whole world smiles with you. #
I'm ready.
Dennis Halberstadt: Great.
Rachel Berry: Wait, wait, wait, wait. That-that's it? I practiced over 18 different poses For this shoot, and I haven't even shown you Any of my over the left shoulder pose. See?
Dennis Halberstadt: Sorry, kid, I got to blow. I got a casting session in half an hour.
Rachel Berry: A... A casting session for what?
Dennis Halberstadt: My brother-in-law is shooting a commercial for his store. I'm directing it. I just do these school photos for the money. Uh, uh, okay. Wait, no, don't... I can take a couple more pictures for you.
Rachel Berry: I can cry on demand. It's one of my many talents. I'm very versatile, and aside from nudity and the exploitation of animals, I'll pretty much do anything to break into the business.
Dennis Halberstadt: We-well, you certainly seem talented and all, but I need... There's other speaking parts in this thing. I need, like, a bunch of other actors, too.
Rachel Berry: I can help with that.



Rachel Berry: I'd like to call this meeting to order. Oh, hello, Finn. How nice of you to show.
Finn Hudson: Look, I'm sorry. The guys were harassing me in the locker room about it. They said that if I took the glee club photo, that they'd make me choose between an Hitler mustache Or buck teeth, and I can't rock either of those looks. Do you think I have a potato head?
Rachel Berry: Okay, look, I realize now That all of you think that glee club is just a joke. Okay, and you're convinced that we can't win, and you're content to just sit idle by Until Figgins cancels the club. Well, I'm about to present to you a rare opportunity. The opportunity to become stars.
Quinn Fabray: How?
Rachel Berry: We've all been cast in a local commercial.
Finn Hudson: Are you serious?
Rachel Berry: Yes, Finn, and while all of you have been So concerned with your appearance in this school, I've landed glee club its first big break. Simply put, making us all celebrities. Okay, and no one Messes with celebrities or defaces their pictures.
Tina Cohen-Chang: What's the commercial?
Rachel Berry: Hold on to your hats and get ready to sell... some mattresses!
Artie Abrams: I'm getting a nice pair of black suspenders. Simple black.
Finn Hudson: My mom's going to be really proud.
Mercedes Jones: Let's do our camera face.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I can't believe we're finally breaking into the biz!
Rachel Berry: You guys, I want us to always remember this moment. Soon, there may be agents and managers and movie deals, but right now I want us to remember what it feels like To be here together as a team.
Mercedes Jones: Whatever. Soon as I get my record deal, I'm not speaking to any of you.
Randy Cusperberg: Okay, guys, we're very excited to have you here. We here at Mattress Land believe that mattresses aren't just for sleeping and fornicating anymore. We believe that buying an affordable mattress should be fun.
Dennis Halberstadt: All right, let's go over the script. I think it's pretty brilliant. I wrote it myself. Action!
Finn Hudson: Ah, me.
Mercedes Jones: What's wrong?
Noah Puckerman: We just lost our jobs... at the factory, and we can't get a good night's sleep.
Rachel Berry: Chipper up! Come on down to Mattress Land. We've got near-wholesale prices To fit your style and pocketbook. I-I'm sorry. Mr. Cusperberg. This script is brilliant, but we're a glee club, and we should perform.
Dennis Halberstadt: Perform the lines as I wrote them.
Randy Cusperberg: Wait a minute, Dennis. What did you have in mind?
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
# ba-ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
# ba, ba, ba #
# ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
Noah Puckerman: # I get up #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Finn Hudson: # and nothing gets me down #
New Directions: # ba, ba ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
Finn Hudson: # you got it tough #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Finn Hudson: # I've seen the toughest around #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba, da-da #
Rachel Berry: # and I know #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Rachel Berry: # baby, just how you feel #
New Directions: # ba, ba da-da #
Finn & Rachel: # you've got to roll with the punches #
# to get to what's real #
New Directions: # ba, ba, da-da #
Artie Abrams: # oh, can't you see me standing here #
# I got my back against the record machine #
# I ain't the worst that you've seen #
Quinn, Tina & Mercedes: # ain't the worst that you've seen #
Artie Abrams: # oh, can't you see what I mean? #
Quinn, Tina & Mercedes: # can't you see what I mean? #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # might as well jump, jump! #
# ba, ba, ba #
# might as well jump #
# ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
New Directions: # go ahead, jump, jump! #
# ba, ba, ba #
# go ahead and jump #
# ba, ba-da-da #
Mercedes Jones: # jump... #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-da #
Mercedes Jones: # jump... #
New Directions: # might as well jump #
# might as well jump #
# ba, ba, da-da #
# go ahead and jump #
Mercedes Jones: # hey, hey, yeah #
New Directions: # go ahead and jump #
# ba, ba, da-da #
# jump, jump, jump #
# oh, oh, oh #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah... #
New Directions: # ba-da, ba-ba-da-da #
# jump! #
Randy Cusperberg: Come on down to Mattress Land!
New Directions: Come on down to Mattress Land!



Will Schuester: Uh... Terri, have you seen my pocket square? Terri? Terri?
Terri Schuester: A pocket square's gonna make you look like Ted Knight.
Will Schuester: What is this?
Terri Schuester: It's a pregnancy pad. They have them at the maternity stores for trying on clothes So you can see how you're gonna look when you're showing. Kendra stole it for me so I could see If any of her old clothes would fit...
Will Schuester: Pick up your shirt.
Terri Schuester: What? No.
Will Schuester: Pick up your shirt.
Terri Schuester: You're scaring me, Will. Think about what you're accusing me of. Think about it and turn around and go find your pocket square. Please?
Will Schuester: Why did you do this to us? I don't understand!
Terri Schuester: I thought you were leaving me. You're so different, Will. We both know it. I can feel you. You're pulling away from me.
Will Schuester: Why, because I-I've started standing up to you? Trying to make this a relationship of equals?
Terri Schuester: No, because of the damn glee club. Ever since you started it, You just walk around Like you're better than me!
Will Schuester: I should be allowed to feel good about myself!
Terri Schuester: Who are we kidding, Will? This marriage works because You don't feel good about yourself.
Will Schuester: This marriage works because I love you, Because I've always accepted you...
Terri Schuester: No.
Will Schuester: ... good and bad.
Terri Schuester: You loved the girl you met when you were 15. I'm not that girl.
Will Schuester: You've made yourself a stranger to me now. Are you happy? Are you satisfied?!
Terri Schuester: It didn't start as a lie. I really thought I was pregnant. And then the doctor, He said it was a hysterical pregnancy, and I... I just panicked!
Will Schuester: This is insane. What were you gonna do when the due date came?
Terri Schuester: Quinn Fabray. It was so perfect. She didn't want hers, and I needed one. I had the doctor use her ultrasound DVD At your appointment that you came to.
Will Schuester: I loved you, Terri. I really loved you.
Terri Schuester: I'm so sorry, Will. I'm so sorry. Do you remember at that appointment? Do you remember what we said? That at that moment, no matter what happened, We loved each other. We could get that feeling back again. You could love me back, Will! Please, Will! Please, don't go! Please, don't go! Please?! Oh, god.



Sue Sylvester: Am I asking for too much, Ohio board of statewide holiday planning? All I want is just one day a year where I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off. So here's the dream: Friday after christmas— which I have off— If you're hideous, stay at home. Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time When you weren't too repulsive for me to ever want to look at. And that's how Sue sees it. Rod.
Rod Remington: Slammin', Sue. We'll be right back.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, Andrea, that "Sue's Corner" I just did, Was talking about you.
New Directions: # go ahead and jump! #
Rachel Berry: Who says finding a mattress can't be fun? At Mattress Land, We have mattresses of all shapes and sizes at prices that won't break your pocketbook. No credit? No problem! Mattress Land has a no-hassle financing of 12.9% with no money down and no payments till next year. You'll jump for joy at our prices.
New Directions: Come on down to Mattress Land!



Quinn Fabray: Coach Sylvester, we need to talk.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I got nothing to say to you, prego.
Quinn Fabray: The cheerios' photo's tomorrow, and I want back on that squad.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, is that what you want? Well, what I wanted was a head cheerleader who wasn't going to hoist her legs behind her ears in the backseat of the first station wagon she could jimmy open, Throwing away any chance she ever had in life.
Quinn Fabray: It would be good for the school. Show everyone that appearances don't matter. That sometimes people have to deal with a little adversity. I learned that in glee club.
Sue Sylvester: Well, that little educational proverb must have slithered From Will Schuester's mouth right after his lesson On how to disqualify yourselves from sectionals.
Quinn Fabray: What?
Sue Sylvester: Saw your little commercial last night. Boy, did you glee kids step in it.



Principal Figgins: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed stepped in it.
Will Schuester: No, I didn't even know this was going on.
Sue Sylvester: Of course, you didn't, Wiliam. You wouldn't know if your glee club was using your office to breed rabbits for pets or for food. And you know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair With enormous amounts of product! I mean, today it just looks like you put lard in it.
Will Schuester: What are you even talking about?! Look, look, the kids did the commercial to foster a feeling of unity after you— Not anyone else— you got them banned from the yearbook.
Sue Sylvester: That's what I did, yes, I admit it.
Will Schuester: It was an innocent mistake.
Sue Sylvester: And what if I were to just innocently murder you, Will? I'd still have to go to trial. Probably get off with justifiable homicide. Let me review the rules for you. Wiliam, amendment 63, seventh addendum: "no professional activity of any kind will be tolerated," and payment for services rendered negates amateur status, Triggering immediate disqualification."
Will Schuester: Hey, hey.
Principal Figgins: Hey, hey, keep it civil.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, what, mister?!
Principal Figgins: No, keep it simple, folks! Keep it simple. Hey, I'm sorry, Schue, but I cannot let this slide.
Will Schuester: But the kids weren't even paid!
Sue Sylvester: There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room Piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles In the dumpster outside your apartment!
Will Schuester: Okay, we'll give the mattresses back.
Principal Figgins: Schue, one of those mattresses was used. You can't return a used mattress. You can't even donate one to charity. Lice, bedbugs— I looked it up online!
Sue Sylvester: Is there any reason that you have A soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved That you have to commit your craven acts of adultery In between classes?
Principal Figgins: What?
Will Schuester: You know what, okay, fine. I slept here, all right?
Principal Figgins: Excuse me?
Will Schuester: I'm thinking about leaving my wife.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I didn't see that one coming at all.
Principal Figgins: Wiliam, I am very sorry about your personal troubles But my hands are tied. Sue's right— you broke the rules. I cannot fight the scholastic board. I'm sorry but glee club is over.
Sue Sylvester: It's over!



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I've finally gotten Will Schuester and that glee club out of my hair. This is a day that will live in infamy. Once again, I've won.
Quinn Fabray: Miss Sylvester.
Sue Sylvester: It's like looking at a porno star in a nun's habit.
Quinn Fabray: I wanted to show you that it still fits. My baby bump isn't that bad, It's just like I had a big lunch.
Sue Sylvester: Take it off. You need to get it through your pregnant head, There's no way you're getting in that photo Or back on the cheerios. End of story.
Quinn Fabray: You're a hypocrite.
Sue Sylvester: Excuse me?
Quinn Fabray: I just heard that you got glee club's Amateur status revoked over a mattress. While you are constantly Showering the cheerios with swag. I've gotten free shoes, Complimentary tanning, haircuts. The season tickets to Cedar Point— We sold those on ebay. For a profit. It seems to me that if Figgins found out, You would get banned from competition.
Sue Sylvester: Fine. You're back on the cheerios. I'll put you on full-time dry cleaning duty and shove you to the back of the photo to hide your shame.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not finished. Glee club gets a full page photo.
Sue Sylvester: That's not up to me.
Quinn Fabray: You are giving up one of the cheerios' six pages and you are giving it to the glee club free of charge.
Sue Sylvester: You know, Q, I'd forgotten Just how ruthless you really are. You're like a young Sue Sylvester. Now, get out of my office. If you can manage to squeeze through the door Without your water breaking all over my new carpet.
Quinn Fabray: You know what? I don't think I want to be a cheerio after all. I don't want to be on a team where I only appear to belong. I'd rather be a part of a club that's proud to have me like glee club.



Will Schuester: It's my fault. If I hadn't slept on that mattress, We could've just returned them and moved on.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, can I give you some advice?
Will Schuester: Please.
Emma Pillsbury: You need to give yourself a break. You do. You'll figure out what to do with the kids, you always do. But I think right now you really need to focus on your own life. You know, divorce is a really big deal.
Will Schuester: Who said anything about getting a divorce?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I just assumed that's...
Will Schuester: Is that what you would do?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, um... When I first heard about what Terri had done, Oh, gosh, no, I thought there should be some sort of law. But then when I thought about it some more, Thought about what I would've done If I'd felt you slipping away...
Will Schuester: You would never be that cruel.
Emma Pillsbury: No, her methods were wrong, but, um, I totally understand her intentions. You're a lot to lose, Will.



Artie Abrams: But we don't want to go to sectionals without you.
Will Schuester: It's without me or not at all. Look, I was the one who slept on the mattress, which means I accepted them, not you. Which means I'm disqualified from competition, not you guys.
Noah Puckerman: He's taking the bullet for us.
Matt Rutherford: Solid.
Will Schuester: We have worked too hard For you guys not to get your shot.
Finn Hudson: We can't do this without you, Mr. Schue. Hell, we probably can't do it with you.
Will Schuester: That's not true. You guys are good. You're really good. You did "Jump" for that commercial without me, right? Look, the best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices. Your own mistakes. That way you get all the glory. And you deserve it. Look, if... if you can't win without me there, then I haven't done my job.
Rachel Berry: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: I know. I want you guys to go get gussied up and take that glee club photo with pride. I want to see a smile on every one of your faces.



Rachel Berry: # smile though your heart is aching #
# smile even though it's breaking #
# when there are clouds in the sky #
Finn & Rachel: # you'll get by #
# if you smile through your pain and sorrow #
# smile and maybe tomorrow #
# you'll see the sun come shining through #
# for you #
Mercedes Jones: # light up your face with gladness #
# hide every trace of sadness #
# although a tear #
# may be ever so near #
Mercedes & Artie: # that's the time #
# you must keep on trying #
# smile, what's the use of crying? #
# you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile #
Rachel & Artie: # smile though your heart is aching #
Mercedes Jones: # is aching #
Rachel & Artie: # smile even though it's breaking #
Mercedes Jones: # it's breaking #
Rachel & Artie: # when there are clouds in the sky #
Mercedes Jones: # you'll get by #
Rachel & Artie: # that's the time you must keep on trying #
# smile, what's the use of crying? #
# you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile #
Rachel Berry: # you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile... #
# smile. #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week... Emma and Ken are getting married... though it seems she really likes Will...
Emma Pillsbury: If we were gonna rate crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
Ian Brennan: Which Ken kinda noticed... which makes him really NOT like Will.
Ken Tanaka: You and I... The whole world knows that I'm just a consolation prize to you. How do you think that makes me feel?
Ian Brennan: Also, Terri said she's pregnant...
Will Schuester: Wow.
Ian Brennan: But really, she's faking and Mr. Schuster doesn't know.
Terri Schuester: This baby's the only reason he's still here.
Ian Brennan: Will's busy getting the kids ready for sectionals where they're up against a school for the deaf...
Dalton Rumba: I can't hear you. Talk into this ear. Scarlet fever.
Will Schuester: You're on!
Ian Brennan: And a group of juvie girls.
Grace Hitchens: Aphasia, give Mr. Schuster his wallet back.
Ian Brennan: But it turns out both of them are really good.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's like cool epilepsy.
Ian Brennan: Also, Sue kicked Quinn out of the cheerios because she's pregnant.
Sue Sylvester: I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.
Ian Brennan: It's not very nice, but neither is Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Those drinks are crap!
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on... Glee.



Will Schuester: Hey, guys. Mind if I join you? So, what's with all the primping?
Emma Pillsbury: Yearbook pictures. This is the 50th edition of the McKinley high school Thunderclap.
Ken Tanaka: I'm going to drop 20 pounds by Friday, look smoking hot for that photo, and be down to a trim 210 for the wedding a week Saturday.
Emma Pillsbury: Of course, the wedding was going to be in Hawaii, but then they told me I couldn't bring my own fruit, so...
Will Schuester: But, sectionals is a week from Saturday.
Ken Tanaka: Oh, man. Looks like you won't be able to make it, Eminem.
Emma Pillsbury: I, um, I totally forgot about sectionals. I'm-I'm sorry. I wanted to go. For the kids.
Ken Tanaka: We're not rescheduling. The vfw hall is booked till next June. The only reason this Saturday is available Is 'cause it's the one year anniversary of that grisly fish fry shoot-out. I got a monster discount. We just got to be out of there before the candlelight vigil.
Emma Pillsbury: I remember. Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you?
Sue Sylvester: Edie. Wiliam. You. Every year, when the photos for the thunderclap come around, I always elect to have a little work done. This year, I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them. You know, I got a storage unit Full of trophies and medallions. But, for the rest of you educators, These yearbook pictures Are really the only concrete proof you have That anything you've done In your sorry little lives Has made any difference whatsoever. My cheerios are so excited. Got them on a yam diet. It draws the water out of the skin.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm sure my glee kids are going to be excited, too.
Sue Sylvester: Well, glee kids don't get a photo.
Emma Pillsbury: What? Why is that?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I just had a meeting with principal Figgins, Eleanor, and what with all the vandalism of the glee club photos over the years, I convinced him that putting the glee kids In this year's thunderclap was subjecting the little freaks To more humiliation and ridicule.
Will Schuester: Why can't you just accept the fact that my kids Are going to take sectionals this year?
Sue Sylvester: That's not happening.
Will Schuester: And stop with the pointless vendetta.
Emma Pillsbury: Right. This is so not fair, Sue.
Will Schuester: You know, I'm going to talk to Figgins about this.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, good luck with that. You know, you three are boring me now. I'm going to go do something else.



Kurt Hummel: Where's Rachel?
Finn Hudson: She's not here yet.
Kurt Hummel: Perfect. Glee club stands on a delicate precipice. We have all felt the cold Humiliation of a slushie in the face. But as of right now, our relative anonymity as a club Shields us from more severe persecution— Swirlies. Patriotic wedgies.
Mercedes Jones: What's a patriotic wedgie?
Finn Hudson: It's when they hoist you up the flag pole by your undies.
Artie Abrams: Strangely, it did make me feel more American.
Kurt Hummel: Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook photo Would only fuel the flames of anti-glee-club terror. I've done a little library research. Peter gellar. Glee club second tenor, 1998. He can be seen here with both A drawn on Hitler mustache and rice paddy hat. Shortly after the yearbook came out, Mr. Gellar had a nervous breakdown. He is now the homeless man Who sleeps in front of the public library.
Quinn Fabray: Patches?
Kurt Hummel: Patches.
Brittany S. Pierce: He barks at my mom.
Kurt Hummel: Exhibit b. Tawny Peterson. Glee club class of 2000. Seen here in her photo with a cartoon knife stuck in her head, In a macabre tableau that, in four years, Would prove eerily prescient. I think I speak for all of us when I say That not having to pose for a yearbook photo Might be a blessing in disguise. I suggest not fighting Figgins' ruling.
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, guys. Ah. Looking at old thunderclaps?
Artie Abrams: It's really unsettling.
Will Schuester: And totally unfair. Hey, can I borrow one of these? You know what?This year's thunderclap Is going to have a glee club photo with every one of your smiling faces. You have my word on it.



Principal Figgins: Schue, I'm doing the glee club a solid. We're denying the opportunity to other children To further humiliate them.
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Those kids get up on stage all the time, No matter what anyone thinks of them, and they perform. They don't let anyone or anything get to them. That's something you should encourage. Sue is wrong!
Principal Figgins: Fine. I'll give them a photo.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Principal Figgins: For $1, 000.
Will Schuester: What?
Principal Figgins: That's what is costs. The yearbook is prime advertising space, Schue. Frederickson's funeral parlor Experienced a 1.3% increase in revenue After their full page ad last year in the thunderclap.
Will Schuester: Okay, um... What about a quarter page? How much does that cost?
Principal Figgins: $325. That will buy you enough space for a photo of two members of the glee club. Right below the advertisement For Uncle Sandro's chicken inside of a waffle.
Will Schuester: Figgins, that's a lot of money.
Principal Figgins: It's a compromise, Schue. Now, I suggest you select a good-looking cheerleader— Not the pregnant one— and the quarterback for the photo As their faces are less likely To be scratched out with safety pins.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuster, I'm very sorry to interrupt. Principal Figgins, As you very well may know, this is my first year In glee club and I've just been informed That new directions has not been afforded a yearbook photo. As you might expect, my two gay dads Have a very close relationship with our local branch of the aclu and if it's up to me...
Will Schuester: Beat you to the punch, Rachel. It's all good. We're in the yearbook.
Rachel Berry: Oh. Fantastic. Thank you so much.



Rachel Berry: Make fun of me all you want, but school pictures are everything to me. They're great practice for getting photographed By the paparazzi. Invasive as the press may be, Stars are dependent on them for their fame, and I feel I must be prepared. In order to do so, I join every club I possibly can. Know you're thinking that I'm just joining all of these clubs To give off the appearance that I'm involved, known to exist, but glee club is different. I really love glee and I believe in what we stand for. We've come from behind, Dismissed and ridiculed by everyone, and we've made something of ourselves, Something that I'm proud to be a part of, Something I want to be remembered for.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, that's got the whole flag.
Quinn Fabray: I miss my cheerios uniform. Made me feel safe. Contained. Even when I was feeling left out, at least I looked like I was a part of something. I want my kids to be able to look back at these books and see who I was, make them proud. Not the bastard one I'm carrying now, of course, The ones I'll have when I'm married and ready. I might not look like the head cheerleader anymore, but I'm still her on the inside. I'm done playing the victim. When that cheerleading picture is taken for the yearbook, I'm going to be in it and back on the squad, Whether Sue Sylvester likes it or not.



Will Schuester: Hey, baby. Which one of these ties goes better with my shirt?
Terri Schuester: You're blocking the tv, Will.
Will Schuester: Oh, come on. I need your help. School pictures are coming up.
Terri Schuester: Oh. Well, in that case, um... Wear the red one for the teacher photo and the green one for the glee club. It'll pop more when the cool kids deface it.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I, uh... I wanted to talk to you about that. So, Figgins stopped putting the glee club photo in the yearbook Because it always gets vandalized, and I just feel so bad for the kids. I mean, they work so hard. They deserve to be recognized. Not being in that book gives the appearance That glee club isn't important. I want to buy an ad and use it as the glee club photo spread. It's around $300.
Terri Schuester: Oh, great. Yeah, why don't you take the food Out of the refrigerator and just give that to the kids? Will, that food goes from my mouth Right into our baby's belly.
Will Schuester: We have a couple hundred bucks left over From selling the blue bomber II.
Terri Schuester: The answer's no, Will. No.
Will Schuester: But if we...
Terri Schuester: No! No. No.



Will Schuester: Actually, can you wait to cash that until Thursday?



Rachel Berry: Kurt, I have a fantastic idea for a club that would officially make me the most involved student In the whole school. I want us to start a gaylesball.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry?
Rachel Berry: The gay-lesbian alliance. Gay-lesb-all.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys! Great news! Glee club gets a photo in the thunderclap. Yep. It's going to show everyone at the school That glee club is on its way up. When we win regionals, Those claps are going to be collector's items. I mean, all of your classmates are going to be Begging for your autographs. But I had to compromise to do it. Um, we only get a quarter page in back. Which means we have to pick two team captains To appear in the photo. So, tomorrow we're going to put it to a vote. Exciting, huh? All right.



Mercedes Jones: Well, we're all here. I guess we should vote.
Rachel Berry: With your permission, I have prepared a few words.
Mercedes Jones: I nominate Rachel.
Kurt Hummel: Second.
Noah Puckerman: All right, let's vote up in this piece. I gotta go hit the gym and load up the guns of Puckerone For the football picture.
Will Schuester: Looks like everybody voted for Rachel. Including Rachel. But we need two captains, guys.
Quinn Fabray: Why two? We're fine with having Rachel represent us In the thunderclap by herself.
Kurt Hummel: We'd actually prefer it.



Will Schuester: The worst part is That after all this time, They're still embarrassed to be in glee club. I mean, they still see themselves as losers. To step up and become co-captain.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, maybe you should let them use the captain They already elected. You know, sometimes sound a lot different coming from a peer. Even if that peer is an annoying as Rachel. You know, None of this is going to matter if they win at sectionals. I'm really sorry I can't be there.
Will Schuester: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. I-I kind of think Ken scheduled your wedding The same day on purpose. You know, So... So you couldn't go.
Emma Pillsbury: Why would he do that?
Will Schuester: Come on. We both know how he feels about our... relationship.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm marrying Ken, Will. Look, I know that I've... I've definitely given him reason in the past To be jealous, but I need you to know That I'm done with that now. Ken has a lot of flaws. He has 74 flaws as of yesterday, but, you know what, He is not vindictive. He's actually a very good man. He is kind and he's great with the students here at McKinley. We have that in common. And yes, it's true, his hygiene could be a lot better, but he is absolutely full of compassion And... Well, that is why I'm marrying him.
Will Schuester: You're right. I was out of line. It won't happen again.



Rachel Berry: You wanted to see me, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, Rach. Sit down. So, how's the new captaincy going?
Rachel Berry: I think that my unanimous election Gave me a very strong mandate to shake things up.
Will Schuester: Great. Well, I have a job for you, captain. We need a co-captain. You have so many great ideas, No reason you shouldn't have some help Pushing them through.
Rachel Berry: I could use a trusty lieutenant. I do have over 65 proposals.
Will Schuester: So, can I count on you?
Rachel Berry: No problem. I'm on it.



Mercedes Jones: Um, I can't be co-captain. No time. Kwanza.
Rachel Berry: Kwanza's late December, Mercedes. The photo's this Thursday.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, prepping early this year.



Artie Abrams: I'd love to be in the photo, Rachel, but you'd be standing and I'd be sitting and it would throw off the whole composition.
Rachel Berry: I'll lean over.
Artie Abrams: But if you lean over... It will look like you have stomach rolls.
Rachel Berry: On second thought, I don't think that you're leadership material, Artie.
Artie Abrams: Follower.



Rachel Berry: Brittany, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Brittany S. Pierce: No way.
Rachel Berry: Why not?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because I don't want to be in a picture with you. It'll get defaced.
Rachel Berry: No, it won't.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, it will. I'll be the one doing it.



Rachel Berry: I'm desperate. Glee club needs you, Finn.
Finn Hudson: I'm totally honored you asked me, but don't you think you should pick somebody Who, like, cares more? Not that I don't, but I just have football and friends and stuff.
Rachel Berry: Glee club only started working after you joined. Face it, we wouldn't have all of the cheerleaders and football players in the club If it wasn't for you.
Finn Hudson: You know I love glee club. I just don't know why I have to represent it.
Rachel Berry: Because you're a leader, Finn. And that's what leaders do. They stick their necks out for people that they care about. There are stakes here. Morale is low, you know it. If things don't change, We're not even going to place at sectionals. And then the club is over. I can't do this alone.
Finn Hudson: You don't have to. I am a leader. That's who I am, who I want to be. You got yourself a co-captain. I'll do the picture with you.



Rachel Berry: I totally understand that as captain of the football team, You've worked really hard to project an appearance of steely toughness, but glee club is different. We have to present the appearance of positivity and optimism. So... We're gonna practice, and I'm going to teach you How to smile correctly for your photo.
# when you first left me, I was wanting more #
# you were kissing that girl next door #
# what'd you do that for? #
Finn Hudson: # what'd you do that for? #
Rachel Berry: # when you first left me
Finn & Rachel: # I didn't know what to say #
Rachel Berry: # I never been on my own that way #
# just sat by myself all day #
# I was so lost back then #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Rachel Berry: # but with a little help from my friends #
# I found a light in the tunnel at the end #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Rachel Berry: # and now you're calling me up on the phone #
# so you can have a little whine and a moan #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Rachel Berry: # and it's only because you're feeling alone #
Finn Hudson: # ah... #
Finn & Rachel: # at first, when I see you cry... #
# it makes me smile #
# yeah, it makes me smile #
# at worst I feel bad for a while #
# but then I just smile #
# I go ahead and smile #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la #
Rachel Berry: # at first when I see you cry #
Finn Hudson: # see you cry #
Rachel Berry: # it makes me smile #
Finn Hudson: # makes me smile #
Rachel Berry: # yeah, it makes me smile #
Finn Hudson: # yeah, it makes me smile #
Rachel Berry: # at worst I feel bad for a while #
Finn Hudson: # feel bad for a while #
Rachel Berry: # but then I just smile #
Finn Hudson: # smile #
Rachel Berry: # I go ahead and smile #
Finn Hudson: # go ahead and smile. #



Finn Hudson: What the hell?!
Azimio Adams: Hey, man, shh, we're practicing, dude. Chill out.
Dave Karofsky: We heard you're going to be in the glee club photo, and we don't want to mess up messing it up.
Finn Hudson: Screw you, Karofsky! I'm sick of you pulling people down.
Azimio Adams: Hey, man, don't talk that kum-bah-yay-yah crap. All right, you know the system's put in place To keep order around here. You know what, I'm gonna give you some options, okay? Do you want me to put the Hitler mustache On your glee club picture, or you want the buck teeth On your glee club picture? Which one do you want? It don't matter to me either way. I'll put...
Dave Karofsky: Hey, how do you spell "loser"? I'm gonna write it on his forehead.
Azimio Adams: His big ol' potato head. You could write a whole haiku on that thing.



Dennis Halberstadt: Can we shake a leg here?
Rachel Berry: Fine. I'm ready. I'll... do it myself. Wait, I... I insist on only being shot from my left side.
Dennis Halberstadt: Yeah, I kind of need to see your teeth.
Rachel Berry: It's sort of my job here. I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm upset. My co-captain bailed and it just... I'm sorry, I just need a minute. Snap out of this. Stop being defined by what other people think of you, Or how they disappoint you. It's lonely at the top, you know that. What's that song about overcoming Professional and personal disappointments? Oh, yeah.
# when you're smiling, when you're smiling #
# the whole world smiles with you. #
I'm ready.
Dennis Halberstadt: Great.
Rachel Berry: Wait, wait, wait, wait. That-that's it? I practiced over 18 different poses For this shoot, and I haven't even shown you Any of my over the left shoulder pose. See?
Dennis Halberstadt: Sorry, kid, I got to blow. I got a casting session in half an hour.
Rachel Berry: A... A casting session for what?
Dennis Halberstadt: My brother-in-law is shooting a commercial for his store. I'm directing it. I just do these school photos for the money. Uh, uh, okay. Wait, no, don't... I can take a couple more pictures for you.
Rachel Berry: I can cry on demand. It's one of my many talents. I'm very versatile, and aside from nudity and the exploitation of animals, I'll pretty much do anything to break into the business.
Dennis Halberstadt: We-well, you certainly seem talented and all, but I need... There's other speaking parts in this thing. I need, like, a bunch of other actors, too.
Rachel Berry: I can help with that.



Rachel Berry: I'd like to call this meeting to order. Oh, hello, Finn. How nice of you to show.
Finn Hudson: Look, I'm sorry. The guys were harassing me in the locker room about it. They said that if I took the glee club photo, that they'd make me choose between an Hitler mustache Or buck teeth, and I can't rock either of those looks. Do you think I have a potato head?
Rachel Berry: Okay, look, I realize now That all of you think that glee club is just a joke. Okay, and you're convinced that we can't win, and you're content to just sit idle by Until Figgins cancels the club. Well, I'm about to present to you a rare opportunity. The opportunity to become stars.
Quinn Fabray: How?
Rachel Berry: We've all been cast in a local commercial.
Finn Hudson: Are you serious?
Rachel Berry: Yes, Finn, and while all of you have been So concerned with your appearance in this school, I've landed glee club its first big break. Simply put, making us all celebrities. Okay, and no one Messes with celebrities or defaces their pictures.
Tina Cohen-Chang: What's the commercial?
Rachel Berry: Hold on to your hats and get ready to sell... some mattresses!
Artie Abrams: I'm getting a nice pair of black suspenders. Simple black.
Finn Hudson: My mom's going to be really proud.
Mercedes Jones: Let's do our camera face.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I can't believe we're finally breaking into the biz!
Rachel Berry: You guys, I want us to always remember this moment. Soon, there may be agents and managers and movie deals, but right now I want us to remember what it feels like To be here together as a team.
Mercedes Jones: Whatever. Soon as I get my record deal, I'm not speaking to any of you.
Randy Cusperberg: Okay, guys, we're very excited to have you here. We here at Mattress Land believe that mattresses aren't just for sleeping and fornicating anymore. We believe that buying an affordable mattress should be fun.
Dennis Halberstadt: All right, let's go over the script. I think it's pretty brilliant. I wrote it myself. Action!
Finn Hudson: Ah, me.
Mercedes Jones: What's wrong?
Noah Puckerman: We just lost our jobs... at the factory, and we can't get a good night's sleep.
Rachel Berry: Chipper up! Come on down to Mattress Land. We've got near-wholesale prices To fit your style and pocketbook. I-I'm sorry. Mr. Cusperberg. This script is brilliant, but we're a glee club, and we should perform.
Dennis Halberstadt: Perform the lines as I wrote them.
Randy Cusperberg: Wait a minute, Dennis. What did you have in mind?
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
# ba-ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
# ba, ba, ba #
# ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
Noah Puckerman: # I get up #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Finn Hudson: # and nothing gets me down #
New Directions: # ba, ba ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
Finn Hudson: # you got it tough #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Finn Hudson: # I've seen the toughest around #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba, da-da #
Rachel Berry: # and I know #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
Rachel Berry: # baby, just how you feel #
New Directions: # ba, ba da-da #
Finn & Rachel: # you've got to roll with the punches #
# to get to what's real #
New Directions: # ba, ba, da-da #
Artie Abrams: # oh, can't you see me standing here #
# I got my back against the record machine #
# I ain't the worst that you've seen #
Quinn, Tina & Mercedes: # ain't the worst that you've seen #
Artie Abrams: # oh, can't you see what I mean? #
Quinn, Tina & Mercedes: # can't you see what I mean? #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah #
New Directions: # might as well jump, jump! #
# ba, ba, ba #
# might as well jump #
# ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
New Directions: # go ahead, jump, jump! #
# ba, ba, ba #
# go ahead and jump #
# ba, ba-da-da #
Mercedes Jones: # jump... #
New Directions: # ba, ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-da #
Mercedes Jones: # jump... #
New Directions: # might as well jump #
# might as well jump #
# ba, ba, da-da #
# go ahead and jump #
Mercedes Jones: # hey, hey, yeah #
New Directions: # go ahead and jump #
# ba, ba, da-da #
# jump, jump, jump #
# oh, oh, oh #
Mercedes Jones: # yeah... #
New Directions: # ba-da, ba-ba-da-da #
# jump! #
Randy Cusperberg: Come on down to Mattress Land!
New Directions: Come on down to Mattress Land!



Will Schuester: Uh... Terri, have you seen my pocket square? Terri? Terri?
Terri Schuester: A pocket square's gonna make you look like Ted Knight.
Will Schuester: What is this?
Terri Schuester: It's a pregnancy pad. They have them at the maternity stores for trying on clothes So you can see how you're gonna look when you're showing. Kendra stole it for me so I could see If any of her old clothes would fit...
Will Schuester: Pick up your shirt.
Terri Schuester: What? No.
Will Schuester: Pick up your shirt.
Terri Schuester: You're scaring me, Will. Think about what you're accusing me of. Think about it and turn around and go find your pocket square. Please?
Will Schuester: Why did you do this to us? I don't understand!
Terri Schuester: I thought you were leaving me. You're so different, Will. We both know it. I can feel you. You're pulling away from me.
Will Schuester: Why, because I-I've started standing up to you? Trying to make this a relationship of equals?
Terri Schuester: No, because of the damn glee club. Ever since you started it, You just walk around Like you're better than me!
Will Schuester: I should be allowed to feel good about myself!
Terri Schuester: Who are we kidding, Will? This marriage works because You don't feel good about yourself.
Will Schuester: This marriage works because I love you, Because I've always accepted you...
Terri Schuester: No.
Will Schuester: ... good and bad.
Terri Schuester: You loved the girl you met when you were 15. I'm not that girl.
Will Schuester: You've made yourself a stranger to me now. Are you happy? Are you satisfied?!
Terri Schuester: It didn't start as a lie. I really thought I was pregnant. And then the doctor, He said it was a hysterical pregnancy, and I... I just panicked!
Will Schuester: This is insane. What were you gonna do when the due date came?
Terri Schuester: Quinn Fabray. It was so perfect. She didn't want hers, and I needed one. I had the doctor use her ultrasound DVD At your appointment that you came to.
Will Schuester: I loved you, Terri. I really loved you.
Terri Schuester: I'm so sorry, Will. I'm so sorry. Do you remember at that appointment? Do you remember what we said? That at that moment, no matter what happened, We loved each other. We could get that feeling back again. You could love me back, Will! Please, Will! Please, don't go! Please, don't go! Please?! Oh, god.



Sue Sylvester: Am I asking for too much, Ohio board of statewide holiday planning? All I want is just one day a year where I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off. So here's the dream: Friday after christmas— which I have off— If you're hideous, stay at home. Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time When you weren't too repulsive for me to ever want to look at. And that's how Sue sees it. Rod.
Rod Remington: Slammin', Sue. We'll be right back.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, Andrea, that "Sue's Corner" I just did, Was talking about you.
New Directions: # go ahead and jump! #
Rachel Berry: Who says finding a mattress can't be fun? At Mattress Land, We have mattresses of all shapes and sizes at prices that won't break your pocketbook. No credit? No problem! Mattress Land has a no-hassle financing of 12.9% with no money down and no payments till next year. You'll jump for joy at our prices.
New Directions: Come on down to Mattress Land!



Quinn Fabray: Coach Sylvester, we need to talk.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I got nothing to say to you, prego.
Quinn Fabray: The cheerios' photo's tomorrow, and I want back on that squad.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, is that what you want? Well, what I wanted was a head cheerleader who wasn't going to hoist her legs behind her ears in the backseat of the first station wagon she could jimmy open, Throwing away any chance she ever had in life.
Quinn Fabray: It would be good for the school. Show everyone that appearances don't matter. That sometimes people have to deal with a little adversity. I learned that in glee club.
Sue Sylvester: Well, that little educational proverb must have slithered From Will Schuester's mouth right after his lesson On how to disqualify yourselves from sectionals.
Quinn Fabray: What?
Sue Sylvester: Saw your little commercial last night. Boy, did you glee kids step in it.



Principal Figgins: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed stepped in it.
Will Schuester: No, I didn't even know this was going on.
Sue Sylvester: Of course, you didn't, Wiliam. You wouldn't know if your glee club was using your office to breed rabbits for pets or for food. And you know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair With enormous amounts of product! I mean, today it just looks like you put lard in it.
Will Schuester: What are you even talking about?! Look, look, the kids did the commercial to foster a feeling of unity after you— Not anyone else— you got them banned from the yearbook.
Sue Sylvester: That's what I did, yes, I admit it.
Will Schuester: It was an innocent mistake.
Sue Sylvester: And what if I were to just innocently murder you, Will? I'd still have to go to trial. Probably get off with justifiable homicide. Let me review the rules for you. Wiliam, amendment 63, seventh addendum: "no professional activity of any kind will be tolerated," and payment for services rendered negates amateur status, Triggering immediate disqualification."
Will Schuester: Hey, hey.
Principal Figgins: Hey, hey, keep it civil.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, what, mister?!
Principal Figgins: No, keep it simple, folks! Keep it simple. Hey, I'm sorry, Schue, but I cannot let this slide.
Will Schuester: But the kids weren't even paid!
Sue Sylvester: There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room Piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles In the dumpster outside your apartment!
Will Schuester: Okay, we'll give the mattresses back.
Principal Figgins: Schue, one of those mattresses was used. You can't return a used mattress. You can't even donate one to charity. Lice, bedbugs— I looked it up online!
Sue Sylvester: Is there any reason that you have A soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved That you have to commit your craven acts of adultery In between classes?
Principal Figgins: What?
Will Schuester: You know what, okay, fine. I slept here, all right?
Principal Figgins: Excuse me?
Will Schuester: I'm thinking about leaving my wife.
Sue Sylvester: Well, I didn't see that one coming at all.
Principal Figgins: Wiliam, I am very sorry about your personal troubles But my hands are tied. Sue's right— you broke the rules. I cannot fight the scholastic board. I'm sorry but glee club is over.
Sue Sylvester: It's over!



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I've finally gotten Will Schuester and that glee club out of my hair. This is a day that will live in infamy. Once again, I've won.
Quinn Fabray: Miss Sylvester.
Sue Sylvester: It's like looking at a porno star in a nun's habit.
Quinn Fabray: I wanted to show you that it still fits. My baby bump isn't that bad, It's just like I had a big lunch.
Sue Sylvester: Take it off. You need to get it through your pregnant head, There's no way you're getting in that photo Or back on the cheerios. End of story.
Quinn Fabray: You're a hypocrite.
Sue Sylvester: Excuse me?
Quinn Fabray: I just heard that you got glee club's Amateur status revoked over a mattress. While you are constantly Showering the cheerios with swag. I've gotten free shoes, Complimentary tanning, haircuts. The season tickets to Cedar Point— We sold those on ebay. For a profit. It seems to me that if Figgins found out, You would get banned from competition.
Sue Sylvester: Fine. You're back on the cheerios. I'll put you on full-time dry cleaning duty and shove you to the back of the photo to hide your shame.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not finished. Glee club gets a full page photo.
Sue Sylvester: That's not up to me.
Quinn Fabray: You are giving up one of the cheerios' six pages and you are giving it to the glee club free of charge.
Sue Sylvester: You know, Q, I'd forgotten Just how ruthless you really are. You're like a young Sue Sylvester. Now, get out of my office. If you can manage to squeeze through the door Without your water breaking all over my new carpet.
Quinn Fabray: You know what? I don't think I want to be a cheerio after all. I don't want to be on a team where I only appear to belong. I'd rather be a part of a club that's proud to have me like glee club.



Will Schuester: It's my fault. If I hadn't slept on that mattress, We could've just returned them and moved on.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, can I give you some advice?
Will Schuester: Please.
Emma Pillsbury: You need to give yourself a break. You do. You'll figure out what to do with the kids, you always do. But I think right now you really need to focus on your own life. You know, divorce is a really big deal.
Will Schuester: Who said anything about getting a divorce?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I just assumed that's...
Will Schuester: Is that what you would do?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, um... When I first heard about what Terri had done, Oh, gosh, no, I thought there should be some sort of law. But then when I thought about it some more, Thought about what I would've done If I'd felt you slipping away...
Will Schuester: You would never be that cruel.
Emma Pillsbury: No, her methods were wrong, but, um, I totally understand her intentions. You're a lot to lose, Will.



Artie Abrams: But we don't want to go to sectionals without you.
Will Schuester: It's without me or not at all. Look, I was the one who slept on the mattress, which means I accepted them, not you. Which means I'm disqualified from competition, not you guys.
Noah Puckerman: He's taking the bullet for us.
Matt Rutherford: Solid.
Will Schuester: We have worked too hard For you guys not to get your shot.
Finn Hudson: We can't do this without you, Mr. Schue. Hell, we probably can't do it with you.
Will Schuester: That's not true. You guys are good. You're really good. You did "Jump" for that commercial without me, right? Look, the best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices. Your own mistakes. That way you get all the glory. And you deserve it. Look, if... if you can't win without me there, then I haven't done my job.
Rachel Berry: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: I know. I want you guys to go get gussied up and take that glee club photo with pride. I want to see a smile on every one of your faces.



Rachel Berry: # smile though your heart is aching #
# smile even though it's breaking #
# when there are clouds in the sky #
Finn & Rachel: # you'll get by #
# if you smile through your pain and sorrow #
# smile and maybe tomorrow #
# you'll see the sun come shining through #
# for you #
Mercedes Jones: # light up your face with gladness #
# hide every trace of sadness #
# although a tear #
# may be ever so near #
Mercedes & Artie: # that's the time #
# you must keep on trying #
# smile, what's the use of crying? #
# you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile #
Rachel & Artie: # smile though your heart is aching #
Mercedes Jones: # is aching #
Rachel & Artie: # smile even though it's breaking #
Mercedes Jones: # it's breaking #
Rachel & Artie: # when there are clouds in the sky #
Mercedes Jones: # you'll get by #
Rachel & Artie: # that's the time you must keep on trying #
# smile, what's the use of crying? #
# you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile #
Rachel Berry: # you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile... #
# smile. #
外部リンク
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記載日

 2011年12月30日