Glee

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week... Emma and Ken are getting married... though it seems she really likes Will...

Emma Pillsbury: If we were gonna rate crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.

Ian Brennan: Which Ken kinda noticed... which makes him really NOT like Will.

Ken Tanaka: You and I... The whole world knows that I'm just a consolation prize to you. How do you think that makes me feel?

Ian Brennan: Also, Terri said she's pregnant...

Will Schuester: Wow.

Ian Brennan: But really, she's faking and Mr. Schuster doesn't know.

Terri Schuester: This baby's the only reason he's still here.

Ian Brennan: Will's busy getting the kids ready for sectionals where they're up against a school for the deaf...

Dalton Rumba: I can't hear you. Talk into this ear. Scarlet fever.

Will Schuester: You're on!

Ian Brennan: And a group of juvie girls.

Grace Hitchens: Aphasia, give Mr. Schuster his wallet back.

Ian Brennan: But it turns out both of them are really good.

Brittany S. Pierce: It's like cool epilepsy.

Ian Brennan: Also, Sue kicked Quinn out of the cheerios because she's pregnant.

Sue Sylvester: I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.

Ian Brennan: It's not very nice, but neither is Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Those drinks are crap!

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on... Glee.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. Mind if I join you? So, what's with all the primping?

Emma Pillsbury: Yearbook pictures. This is the 50th edition of the McKinley high school Thunderclap.

Ken Tanaka: I'm going to drop 20 pounds by Friday, look smoking hot for that photo, and be down to a trim 210 for the wedding a week Saturday.

Emma Pillsbury: Of course, the wedding was going to be in Hawaii, but then they told me I couldn't bring my own fruit, so...

Will Schuester: But, sectionals is a week from Saturday.

Ken Tanaka: Oh, man. Looks like you won't be able to make it, Eminem.

Emma Pillsbury: I, um, I totally forgot about sectionals. I'm-I'm sorry. I wanted to go. For the kids.

Ken Tanaka: We're not rescheduling. The vfw hall is booked till next June. The only reason this Saturday is available Is 'cause it's the one year anniversary of that grisly fish fry shoot-out. I got a monster discount. We just got to be out of there before the candlelight vigil.

Emma Pillsbury: I remember. Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you?

Sue Sylvester: Edie. Wiliam. You. Every year, when the photos for the thunderclap come around, I always elect to have a little work done. This year, I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them. You know, I got a storage unit Full of trophies and medallions. But, for the rest of you educators, These yearbook pictures Are really the only concrete proof you have That anything you've done In your sorry little lives Has made any difference whatsoever. My cheerios are so excited. Got them on a yam diet. It draws the water out of the skin.

Will Schuester: Well, I'm sure my glee kids are going to be excited, too.

Sue Sylvester: Well, glee kids don't get a photo.

Emma Pillsbury: What? Why is that?

Sue Sylvester: Well, I just had a meeting with principal Figgins, Eleanor, and what with all the vandalism of the glee club photos over the years, I convinced him that putting the glee kids In this year's thunderclap was subjecting the little freaks To more humiliation and ridicule.

Will Schuester: Why can't you just accept the fact that my kids Are going to take sectionals this year?

Sue Sylvester: That's not happening.

Will Schuester: And stop with the pointless vendetta.

Emma Pillsbury: Right. This is so not fair, Sue.

Will Schuester: You know, I'm going to talk to Figgins about this.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, good luck with that. You know, you three are boring me now. I'm going to go do something else.

Kurt Hummel: Where's Rachel?

Finn Hudson: She's not here yet.

Kurt Hummel: Perfect. Glee club stands on a delicate precipice. We have all felt the cold Humiliation of a slushie in the face. But as of right now, our relative anonymity as a club Shields us from more severe persecution— Swirlies. Patriotic wedgies.

Mercedes Jones: What's a patriotic wedgie?

Finn Hudson: It's when they hoist you up the flag pole by your undies.

Artie Abrams: Strangely, it did make me feel more American.

Kurt Hummel: Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook photo Would only fuel the flames of anti-glee-club terror. I've done a little library research. Peter gellar. Glee club second tenor, 1998. He can be seen here with both A drawn on Hitler mustache and rice paddy hat. Shortly after the yearbook came out, Mr. Gellar had a nervous breakdown. He is now the homeless man Who sleeps in front of the public library.

Quinn Fabray: Patches?

Kurt Hummel: Patches.

Brittany S. Pierce: He barks at my mom.

Kurt Hummel: Exhibit b. Tawny Peterson. Glee club class of 2000. Seen here in her photo with a cartoon knife stuck in her head, In a macabre tableau that, in four years, Would prove eerily prescient. I think I speak for all of us when I say That not having to pose for a yearbook photo Might be a blessing in disguise. I suggest not fighting Figgins' ruling.

Will Schuester: Oh, hey, guys. Ah. Looking at old thunderclaps?

Artie Abrams: It's really unsettling.

Will Schuester: And totally unfair. Hey, can I borrow one of these? You know what?This year's thunderclap Is going to have a glee club photo with every one of your smiling faces. You have my word on it.

Principal Figgins: Schue, I'm doing the glee club a solid. We're denying the opportunity to other children To further humiliate them.

Will Schuester: No, no, no. Those kids get up on stage all the time, No matter what anyone thinks of them, and they perform. They don't let anyone or anything get to them. That's something you should encourage. Sue is wrong!

Principal Figgins: Fine. I'll give them a photo.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Principal Figgins: For $1, 000.

Will Schuester: What?

Principal Figgins: That's what is costs. The yearbook is prime advertising space, Schue. Frederickson's funeral parlor Experienced a 1.3% increase in revenue After their full page ad last year in the thunderclap.

Will Schuester: Okay, um... What about a quarter page? How much does that cost?

Principal Figgins: $325. That will buy you enough space for a photo of two members of the glee club. Right below the advertisement For Uncle Sandro's chicken inside of a waffle.

Will Schuester: Figgins, that's a lot of money.

Principal Figgins: It's a compromise, Schue. Now, I suggest you select a good-looking cheerleader— Not the pregnant one— and the quarterback for the photo As their faces are less likely To be scratched out with safety pins.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuster, I'm very sorry to interrupt. Principal Figgins, As you very well may know, this is my first year In glee club and I've just been informed That new directions has not been afforded a yearbook photo. As you might expect, my two gay dads Have a very close relationship with our local branch of the aclu and if it's up to me...

Will Schuester: Beat you to the punch, Rachel. It's all good. We're in the yearbook.

Rachel Berry: Oh. Fantastic. Thank you so much.

Rachel Berry: Make fun of me all you want, but school pictures are everything to me. They're great practice for getting photographed By the paparazzi. Invasive as the press may be, Stars are dependent on them for their fame, and I feel I must be prepared. In order to do so, I join every club I possibly can. Know you're thinking that I'm just joining all of these clubs To give off the appearance that I'm involved, known to exist, but glee club is different. I really love glee and I believe in what we stand for. We've come from behind, Dismissed and ridiculed by everyone, and we've made something of ourselves, Something that I'm proud to be a part of, Something I want to be remembered for.

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, that's got the whole flag.

Quinn Fabray: I miss my cheerios uniform. Made me feel safe. Contained. Even when I was feeling left out, at least I looked like I was a part of something. I want my kids to be able to look back at these books and see who I was, make them proud. Not the bastard one I'm carrying now, of course, The ones I'll have when I'm married and ready. I might not look like the head cheerleader anymore, but I'm still her on the inside. I'm done playing the victim. When that cheerleading picture is taken for the yearbook, I'm going to be in it and back on the squad, Whether Sue Sylvester likes it or not.

Will Schuester: Hey, baby. Which one of these ties goes better with my shirt?

Terri Schuester: You're blocking the tv, Will.

Will Schuester: Oh, come on. I need your help. School pictures are coming up.

Terri Schuester: Oh. Well, in that case, um... Wear the red one for the teacher photo and the green one for the glee club. It'll pop more when the cool kids deface it.

Will Schuester: Yeah. I, uh... I wanted to talk to you about that. So, Figgins stopped putting the glee club photo in the yearbook Because it always gets vandalized, and I just feel so bad for the kids. I mean, they work so hard. They deserve to be recognized. Not being in that book gives the appearance That glee club isn't important. I want to buy an ad and use it as the glee club photo spread. It's around $300.

Terri Schuester: Oh, great. Yeah, why don't you take the food Out of the refrigerator and just give that to the kids? Will, that food goes from my mouth Right into our baby's belly.

Will Schuester: We have a couple hundred bucks left over From selling the blue bomber II.

Terri Schuester: The answer's no, Will. No.

Will Schuester: But if we...

Terri Schuester: No! No. No.

Will Schuester: Actually, can you wait to cash that until Thursday?

Rachel Berry: Kurt, I have a fantastic idea for a club that would officially make me the most involved student In the whole school. I want us to start a gaylesball.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry?

Rachel Berry: The gay-lesbian alliance. Gay-lesb-all.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys! Great news! Glee club gets a photo in the thunderclap. Yep. It's going to show everyone at the school That glee club is on its way up. When we win regionals, Those claps are going to be collector's items. I mean, all of your classmates are going to be Begging for your autographs. But I had to compromise to do it. Um, we only get a quarter page in back. Which means we have to pick two team captains To appear in the photo. So, tomorrow we're going to put it to a vote. Exciting, huh? All right.

Mercedes Jones: Well, we're all here. I guess we should vote.

Rachel Berry: With your permission, I have prepared a few words.

Mercedes Jones: I nominate Rachel.

Kurt Hummel: Second.

Noah Puckerman: All right, let's vote up in this piece. I gotta go hit the gym and load up the guns of Puckerone For the football picture.

Will Schuester: Looks like everybody voted for Rachel. Including Rachel. But we need two captains, guys.

Quinn Fabray: Why two? We're fine with having Rachel represent us In the thunderclap by herself.

Kurt Hummel: We'd actually prefer it.

Will Schuester: The worst part is That after all this time, They're still embarrassed to be in glee club. I mean, they still see themselves as losers. To step up and become co-captain.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, maybe you should let them use the captain They already elected. You know, sometimes sound a lot different coming from a peer. Even if that peer is an annoying as Rachel. You know, None of this is going to matter if they win at sectionals. I'm really sorry I can't be there.

Will Schuester: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. I-I kind of think Ken scheduled your wedding The same day on purpose. You know, So... So you couldn't go.

Emma Pillsbury: Why would he do that?

Will Schuester: Come on. We both know how he feels about our... relationship.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm marrying Ken, Will. Look, I know that I've... I've definitely given him reason in the past To be jealous, but I need you to know That I'm done with that now. Ken has a lot of flaws. He has 74 flaws as of yesterday, but, you know what, He is not vindictive. He's actually a very good man. He is kind and he's great with the students here at McKinley. We have that in common. And yes, it's true, his hygiene could be a lot better, but he is absolutely full of compassion And... Well, that is why I'm marrying him.

Will Schuester: You're right. I was out of line. It won't happen again.

Rachel Berry: You wanted to see me, Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, Rach. Sit down. So, how's the new captaincy going?

Rachel Berry: I think that my unanimous election Gave me a very strong mandate to shake things up.

Will Schuester: Great. Well, I have a job for you, captain. We need a co-captain. You have so many great ideas, No reason you shouldn't have some help Pushing them through.

Rachel Berry: I could use a trusty lieutenant. I do have over 65 proposals.

Will Schuester: So, can I count on you?

Rachel Berry: No problem. I'm on it.

Mercedes Jones: Um, I can't be co-captain. No time. Kwanza.

Rachel Berry: Kwanza's late December, Mercedes. The photo's this Thursday.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, prepping early this year.

Artie Abrams: I'd love to be in the photo, Rachel, but you'd be standing and I'd be sitting and it would throw off the whole composition.

Rachel Berry: I'll lean over.

Artie Abrams: But if you lean over... It will look like you have stomach rolls.

Rachel Berry: On second thought, I don't think that you're leadership material, Artie.

Artie Abrams: Follower.

Rachel Berry: Brittany, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Brittany S. Pierce: No way.

Rachel Berry: Why not?

Brittany S. Pierce: Because I don't want to be in a picture with you. It'll get defaced.

Rachel Berry: No, it won't.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, it will. I'll be the one doing it.

Rachel Berry: I'm desperate. Glee club needs you, Finn.

Finn Hudson: I'm totally honored you asked me, but don't you think you should pick somebody Who, like, cares more? Not that I don't, but I just have football and friends and stuff.

Rachel Berry: Glee club only started working after you joined. Face it, we wouldn't have all of the cheerleaders and football players in the club If it wasn't for you.

Finn Hudson: You know I love glee club. I just don't know why I have to represent it.

Rachel Berry: Because you're a leader, Finn. And that's what leaders do. They stick their necks out for people that they care about. There are stakes here. Morale is low, you know it. If things don't change, We're not even going to place at sectionals. And then the club is over. I can't do this alone.

Finn Hudson: You don't have to. I am a leader. That's who I am, who I want to be. You got yourself a co-captain. I'll do the picture with you.

Rachel Berry: I totally understand that as captain of the football team, You've worked really hard to project an appearance of steely toughness, but glee club is different. We have to present the appearance of positivity and optimism. So... We're gonna practice, and I'm going to teach you How to smile correctly for your photo.
# when you first left me, I was wanting more #
# you were kissing that girl next door #
# what'd you do that for? #

Finn Hudson: # what'd you do that for? #

Rachel Berry: # when you first left me

Finn & Rachel: # I didn't know what to say #

Rachel Berry: # I never been on my own that way #
# just sat by myself all day #
# I was so lost back then #

Finn Hudson: # ah... #

Rachel Berry: # but with a little help from my friends #
# I found a light in the tunnel at the end #

Finn Hudson: # ah... #

Rachel Berry: # and now you're calling me up on the phone #
# so you can have a little whine and a moan #

Finn Hudson: # ah... #

Rachel Berry: # and it's only because you're feeling alone #

Finn Hudson: # ah... #

Finn & Rachel: # at first, when I see you cry... #
# it makes me smile #
# yeah, it makes me smile #
# at worst I feel bad for a while #
# but then I just smile #
# I go ahead and smile #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la #
# la-la-la #

Rachel Berry: # at first when I see you cry #

Finn Hudson: # see you cry #

Rachel Berry: # it makes me smile #

Finn Hudson: # makes me smile #

Rachel Berry: # yeah, it makes me smile #

Finn Hudson: # yeah, it makes me smile #

Rachel Berry: # at worst I feel bad for a while #

Finn Hudson: # feel bad for a while #

Rachel Berry: # but then I just smile #

Finn Hudson: # smile #

Rachel Berry: # I go ahead and smile #

Finn Hudson: # go ahead and smile. #

Finn Hudson: What the hell?!

Azimio Adams: Hey, man, shh, we're practicing, dude. Chill out.

Dave Karofsky: We heard you're going to be in the glee club photo, and we don't want to mess up messing it up.

Finn Hudson: Screw you, Karofsky! I'm sick of you pulling people down.

Azimio Adams: Hey, man, don't talk that kum-bah-yay-yah crap. All right, you know the system's put in place To keep order around here. You know what, I'm gonna give you some options, okay? Do you want me to put the Hitler mustache On your glee club picture, or you want the buck teeth On your glee club picture? Which one do you want? It don't matter to me either way. I'll put...

Dave Karofsky: Hey, how do you spell "loser"? I'm gonna write it on his forehead.

Azimio Adams: His big ol' potato head. You could write a whole haiku on that thing.

Dennis Halberstadt: Can we shake a leg here?

Rachel Berry: Fine. I'm ready. I'll... do it myself. Wait, I... I insist on only being shot from my left side.

Dennis Halberstadt: Yeah, I kind of need to see your teeth.

Rachel Berry: It's sort of my job here. I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm upset. My co-captain bailed and it just... I'm sorry, I just need a minute. Snap out of this. Stop being defined by what other people think of you, Or how they disappoint you. It's lonely at the top, you know that. What's that song about overcoming Professional and personal disappointments? Oh, yeah.
# when you're smiling, when you're smiling #
# the whole world smiles with you. #
I'm ready.

Dennis Halberstadt: Great.

Rachel Berry: Wait, wait, wait, wait. That-that's it? I practiced over 18 different poses For this shoot, and I haven't even shown you Any of my over the left shoulder pose. See?

Dennis Halberstadt: Sorry, kid, I got to blow. I got a casting session in half an hour.

Rachel Berry: A... A casting session for what?

Dennis Halberstadt: My brother-in-law is shooting a commercial for his store. I'm directing it. I just do these school photos for the money. Uh, uh, okay. Wait, no, don't... I can take a couple more pictures for you.

Rachel Berry: I can cry on demand. It's one of my many talents. I'm very versatile, and aside from nudity and the exploitation of animals, I'll pretty much do anything to break into the business.

Dennis Halberstadt: We-well, you certainly seem talented and all, but I need... There's other speaking parts in this thing. I need, like, a bunch of other actors, too.

Rachel Berry: I can help with that.

Rachel Berry: I'd like to call this meeting to order. Oh, hello, Finn. How nice of you to show.

Finn Hudson: Look, I'm sorry. The guys were harassing me in the locker room about it. They said that if I took the glee club photo, that they'd make me choose between an Hitler mustache Or buck teeth, and I can't rock either of those looks. Do you think I have a potato head?

Rachel Berry: Okay, look, I realize now That all of you think that glee club is just a joke. Okay, and you're convinced that we can't win, and you're content to just sit idle by Until Figgins cancels the club. Well, I'm about to present to you a rare opportunity. The opportunity to become stars.

Quinn Fabray: How?

Rachel Berry: We've all been cast in a local commercial.

Finn Hudson: Are you serious?

Rachel Berry: Yes, Finn, and while all of you have been So concerned with your appearance in this school, I've landed glee club its first big break. Simply put, making us all celebrities. Okay, and no one Messes with celebrities or defaces their pictures.

Tina Cohen-Chang: What's the commercial?

Rachel Berry: Hold on to your hats and get ready to sell... some mattresses!

Artie Abrams: I'm getting a nice pair of black suspenders. Simple black.

Finn Hudson: My mom's going to be really proud.

Mercedes Jones: Let's do our camera face.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I can't believe we're finally breaking into the biz!

Rachel Berry: You guys, I want us to always remember this moment. Soon, there may be agents and managers and movie deals, but right now I want us to remember what it feels like To be here together as a team.

Mercedes Jones: Whatever. Soon as I get my record deal, I'm not speaking to any of you.

Randy Cusperberg: Okay, guys, we're very excited to have you here. We here at Mattress Land believe that mattresses aren't just for sleeping and fornicating anymore. We believe that buying an affordable mattress should be fun.

Dennis Halberstadt: All right, let's go over the script. I think it's pretty brilliant. I wrote it myself. Action!

Finn Hudson: Ah, me.

Mercedes Jones: What's wrong?

Noah Puckerman: We just lost our jobs... at the factory, and we can't get a good night's sleep.

Rachel Berry: Chipper up! Come on down to Mattress Land. We've got near-wholesale prices To fit your style and pocketbook. I-I'm sorry. Mr. Cusperberg. This script is brilliant, but we're a glee club, and we should perform.

Dennis Halberstadt: Perform the lines as I wrote them.

Randy Cusperberg: Wait a minute, Dennis. What did you have in mind?

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #
# ba-ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #
# ba, ba, ba #
# ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #

Noah Puckerman: # I get up #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #

Finn Hudson: # and nothing gets me down #

New Directions: # ba, ba ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #

Finn Hudson: # you got it tough #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #

Finn Hudson: # I've seen the toughest around #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba, da-da #

Rachel Berry: # and I know #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #

Rachel Berry: # baby, just how you feel #

New Directions: # ba, ba da-da #

Finn & Rachel: # you've got to roll with the punches #
# to get to what's real #

New Directions: # ba, ba, da-da #

Artie Abrams: # oh, can't you see me standing here #
# I got my back against the record machine #
# I ain't the worst that you've seen #

Quinn, Tina & Mercedes: # ain't the worst that you've seen #

Artie Abrams: # oh, can't you see what I mean? #

Quinn, Tina & Mercedes: # can't you see what I mean? #

Mercedes Jones: # yeah #

New Directions: # might as well jump, jump! #
# ba, ba, ba #
# might as well jump #
# ba, ba, ba-da #
# ba, ba-da-da #

New Directions: # go ahead, jump, jump! #
# ba, ba, ba #
# go ahead and jump #
# ba, ba-da-da #

Mercedes Jones: # jump... #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-da #

Mercedes Jones: # jump... #

New Directions: # might as well jump #
# might as well jump #
# ba, ba, da-da #
# go ahead and jump #

Mercedes Jones: # hey, hey, yeah #

New Directions: # go ahead and jump #
# ba, ba, da-da #
# jump, jump, jump #
# oh, oh, oh #

Mercedes Jones: # yeah... #

New Directions: # ba-da, ba-ba-da-da #
# jump! #

Randy Cusperberg: Come on down to Mattress Land!

New Directions: Come on down to Mattress Land!

Will Schuester: Uh... Terri, have you seen my pocket square? Terri? Terri?

Terri Schuester: A pocket square's gonna make you look like Ted Knight.

Will Schuester: What is this?

Terri Schuester: It's a pregnancy pad. They have them at the maternity stores for trying on clothes So you can see how you're gonna look when you're showing. Kendra stole it for me so I could see If any of her old clothes would fit...

Will Schuester: Pick up your shirt.

Terri Schuester: What? No.

Will Schuester: Pick up your shirt.

Terri Schuester: You're scaring me, Will. Think about what you're accusing me of. Think about it and turn around and go find your pocket square. Please?

Will Schuester: Why did you do this to us? I don't understand!

Terri Schuester: I thought you were leaving me. You're so different, Will. We both know it. I can feel you. You're pulling away from me.

Will Schuester: Why, because I-I've started standing up to you? Trying to make this a relationship of equals?

Terri Schuester: No, because of the damn glee club. Ever since you started it, You just walk around Like you're better than me!

Will Schuester: I should be allowed to feel good about myself!

Terri Schuester: Who are we kidding, Will? This marriage works because You don't feel good about yourself.

Will Schuester: This marriage works because I love you, Because I've always accepted you...

Terri Schuester: No.

Will Schuester: ... good and bad.

Terri Schuester: You loved the girl you met when you were 15. I'm not that girl.

Will Schuester: You've made yourself a stranger to me now. Are you happy? Are you satisfied?!

Terri Schuester: It didn't start as a lie. I really thought I was pregnant. And then the doctor, He said it was a hysterical pregnancy, and I... I just panicked!

Will Schuester: This is insane. What were you gonna do when the due date came?

Terri Schuester: Quinn Fabray. It was so perfect. She didn't want hers, and I needed one. I had the doctor use her ultrasound DVD At your appointment that you came to.

Will Schuester: I loved you, Terri. I really loved you.

Terri Schuester: I'm so sorry, Will. I'm so sorry. Do you remember at that appointment? Do you remember what we said? That at that moment, no matter what happened, We loved each other. We could get that feeling back again. You could love me back, Will! Please, Will! Please, don't go! Please, don't go! Please?! Oh, god.

Sue Sylvester: Am I asking for too much, Ohio board of statewide holiday planning? All I want is just one day a year where I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off. So here's the dream: Friday after christmas— which I have off— If you're hideous, stay at home. Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time When you weren't too repulsive for me to ever want to look at. And that's how Sue sees it. Rod.

Rod Remington: Slammin', Sue. We'll be right back.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, Andrea, that "Sue's Corner" I just did, Was talking about you.

New Directions: # go ahead and jump! #

Rachel Berry: Who says finding a mattress can't be fun? At Mattress Land, We have mattresses of all shapes and sizes at prices that won't break your pocketbook. No credit? No problem! Mattress Land has a no-hassle financing of 12.9% with no money down and no payments till next year. You'll jump for joy at our prices.

New Directions: Come on down to Mattress Land!

Quinn Fabray: Coach Sylvester, we need to talk.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I got nothing to say to you, prego.

Quinn Fabray: The cheerios' photo's tomorrow, and I want back on that squad.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, is that what you want? Well, what I wanted was a head cheerleader who wasn't going to hoist her legs behind her ears in the backseat of the first station wagon she could jimmy open, Throwing away any chance she ever had in life.

Quinn Fabray: It would be good for the school. Show everyone that appearances don't matter. That sometimes people have to deal with a little adversity. I learned that in glee club.

Sue Sylvester: Well, that little educational proverb must have slithered From Will Schuester's mouth right after his lesson On how to disqualify yourselves from sectionals.

Quinn Fabray: What?

Sue Sylvester: Saw your little commercial last night. Boy, did you glee kids step in it.

Principal Figgins: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed stepped in it.

Will Schuester: No, I didn't even know this was going on.

Sue Sylvester: Of course, you didn't, Wiliam. You wouldn't know if your glee club was using your office to breed rabbits for pets or for food. And you know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair With enormous amounts of product! I mean, today it just looks like you put lard in it.

Will Schuester: What are you even talking about?! Look, look, the kids did the commercial to foster a feeling of unity after you— Not anyone else— you got them banned from the yearbook.

Sue Sylvester: That's what I did, yes, I admit it.

Will Schuester: It was an innocent mistake.

Sue Sylvester: And what if I were to just innocently murder you, Will? I'd still have to go to trial. Probably get off with justifiable homicide. Let me review the rules for you. Wiliam, amendment 63, seventh addendum: "no professional activity of any kind will be tolerated," and payment for services rendered negates amateur status, Triggering immediate disqualification."

Will Schuester: Hey, hey.

Principal Figgins: Hey, hey, keep it civil.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, what, mister?!

Principal Figgins: No, keep it simple, folks! Keep it simple. Hey, I'm sorry, Schue, but I cannot let this slide.

Will Schuester: But the kids weren't even paid!

Sue Sylvester: There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room Piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles In the dumpster outside your apartment!

Will Schuester: Okay, we'll give the mattresses back.

Principal Figgins: Schue, one of those mattresses was used. You can't return a used mattress. You can't even donate one to charity. Lice, bedbugs— I looked it up online!

Sue Sylvester: Is there any reason that you have A soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved That you have to commit your craven acts of adultery In between classes?

Principal Figgins: What?

Will Schuester: You know what, okay, fine. I slept here, all right?

Principal Figgins: Excuse me?

Will Schuester: I'm thinking about leaving my wife.

Sue Sylvester: Well, I didn't see that one coming at all.

Principal Figgins: Wiliam, I am very sorry about your personal troubles But my hands are tied. Sue's right— you broke the rules. I cannot fight the scholastic board. I'm sorry but glee club is over.

Sue Sylvester: It's over!

Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I've finally gotten Will Schuester and that glee club out of my hair. This is a day that will live in infamy. Once again, I've won.

Quinn Fabray: Miss Sylvester.

Sue Sylvester: It's like looking at a porno star in a nun's habit.

Quinn Fabray: I wanted to show you that it still fits. My baby bump isn't that bad, It's just like I had a big lunch.

Sue Sylvester: Take it off. You need to get it through your pregnant head, There's no way you're getting in that photo Or back on the cheerios. End of story.

Quinn Fabray: You're a hypocrite.

Sue Sylvester: Excuse me?

Quinn Fabray: I just heard that you got glee club's Amateur status revoked over a mattress. While you are constantly Showering the cheerios with swag. I've gotten free shoes, Complimentary tanning, haircuts. The season tickets to Cedar Point— We sold those on ebay. For a profit. It seems to me that if Figgins found out, You would get banned from competition.

Sue Sylvester: Fine. You're back on the cheerios. I'll put you on full-time dry cleaning duty and shove you to the back of the photo to hide your shame.

Quinn Fabray: I'm not finished. Glee club gets a full page photo.

Sue Sylvester: That's not up to me.

Quinn Fabray: You are giving up one of the cheerios' six pages and you are giving it to the glee club free of charge.

Sue Sylvester: You know, Q, I'd forgotten Just how ruthless you really are. You're like a young Sue Sylvester. Now, get out of my office. If you can manage to squeeze through the door Without your water breaking all over my new carpet.

Quinn Fabray: You know what? I don't think I want to be a cheerio after all. I don't want to be on a team where I only appear to belong. I'd rather be a part of a club that's proud to have me like glee club.

Will Schuester: It's my fault. If I hadn't slept on that mattress, We could've just returned them and moved on.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey, can I give you some advice?

Will Schuester: Please.

Emma Pillsbury: You need to give yourself a break. You do. You'll figure out what to do with the kids, you always do. But I think right now you really need to focus on your own life. You know, divorce is a really big deal.

Will Schuester: Who said anything about getting a divorce?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I just assumed that's...

Will Schuester: Is that what you would do?

Emma Pillsbury: Well, um... When I first heard about what Terri had done, Oh, gosh, no, I thought there should be some sort of law. But then when I thought about it some more, Thought about what I would've done If I'd felt you slipping away...

Will Schuester: You would never be that cruel.

Emma Pillsbury: No, her methods were wrong, but, um, I totally understand her intentions. You're a lot to lose, Will.

Artie Abrams: But we don't want to go to sectionals without you.

Will Schuester: It's without me or not at all. Look, I was the one who slept on the mattress, which means I accepted them, not you. Which means I'm disqualified from competition, not you guys.

Noah Puckerman: He's taking the bullet for us.

Matt Rutherford: Solid.

Will Schuester: We have worked too hard For you guys not to get your shot.

Finn Hudson: We can't do this without you, Mr. Schue. Hell, we probably can't do it with you.

Will Schuester: That's not true. You guys are good. You're really good. You did "Jump" for that commercial without me, right? Look, the best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices. Your own mistakes. That way you get all the glory. And you deserve it. Look, if... if you can't win without me there, then I haven't done my job.

Rachel Berry: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: I know. I want you guys to go get gussied up and take that glee club photo with pride. I want to see a smile on every one of your faces.

Rachel Berry: # smile though your heart is aching #
# smile even though it's breaking #
# when there are clouds in the sky #

Finn & Rachel: # you'll get by #
# if you smile through your pain and sorrow #
# smile and maybe tomorrow #
# you'll see the sun come shining through #
# for you #

Mercedes Jones: # light up your face with gladness #
# hide every trace of sadness #
# although a tear #
# may be ever so near #

Mercedes & Artie: # that's the time #
# you must keep on trying #
# smile, what's the use of crying? #
# you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile #

Rachel & Artie: # smile though your heart is aching #

Mercedes Jones: # is aching #

Rachel & Artie: # smile even though it's breaking #

Mercedes Jones: # it's breaking #

Rachel & Artie: # when there are clouds in the sky #

Mercedes Jones: # you'll get by #

Rachel & Artie: # that's the time you must keep on trying #
# smile, what's the use of crying? #
# you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile #

Rachel Berry: # you'll find that life is still worthwhile #
# if you just smile... #
# smile. #

Artie Abrams: I bet we get stuck with Mr. Sinacori As our sectionals advisor.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, the creepy math teacher?

Kurt Hummel: He's always singing when he walks down the halls.

Rachel Berry: Hey, guys. Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Quinn's aid During rehearsal yesterday?

Finn Hudson: Is it the baby? Is it coming?

Noah Puckerman: Think we're supposed to get hot towels.

Quinn Fabray: Would you both just shut up! There's, like, sweat on the floor. I slipped, okay? I'm fine!

Mercedes Jones: No.

Artie Abrams: I mean, he likes her. I mean, they're friends. We all know that.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, but it seemed like more than that. I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic. I can't read minds or anything yet, but I do have a sixth sense. Something is definitely going on there.

Mercedes Jones: Uh, we... we got to go.

Rachel Berry: We have to practice.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, and we will, as soon as Mr. Schuester names a faculty advisor to replace him.

Rachel Berry: There's nothing to be scared of. I mean, it... it's not like carrie or anything.

Mercedes Jones: Hey. She's onto it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I know. It's really freaking me out. Hold up. Artie's buzzing in. I'm going party line.

Artie Abrams: Dudes, this is serious. If she finds out, she's going to tell Finn. She's a total trout mouth.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Kurt wants in.

Kurt Hummel: I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement.

Mercedes Jones: We can't. We need her to sing.

Kurt Hummel: Damn her talent.

Santana Lopez: We just heard. Who told?

Artie Abrams: We assumed it was you.

Santana Lopez: Why would I do that?

Kurt Hummel: To get back at Puck. Aren't you guys dating?

Santana Lopez: Sex is not dating.

Brittany S. Pierce: If it were, santana and I would be dating.

Santana Lopez: Look, I don't want to rock the boat. Since Quinn got pregnant, I'm top dog around here.

Mercedes Jones: Hold up. Rachel's walking by. Hey, hot mama? She's gone. Look, I know I screwed up telling all you guys about Quinn and Puck, and I feel really terrible about it, but we cannot let Rachel figure this out. If she tells Finn, he's going to flip.

Kurt Hummel: And then, we really have no chance at sectionals.

Will Schuester: Are you sure about this? But the wedding is on Saturday. Your wedding.

Emma Pillsbury: I know. We just pushed it back a few hours. Now it doesn't have to happen in broad daylight. Really, I want to do this, Will. I want to take the kids to sectionals.

Will Schuester: Okay, but... What about Ken? I mean, he-he's going to be furious.

Emma Pillsbury: I appealed to him as an educator.

Ken Tanaka: You will always choose Schuester over me.

Emma Pillsbury: He won't even be there, Ken. I am doing this for the kids. I really thought That you of all people would understand this.

Ken Tanaka: This time, I don't think that I do.

Emma Pillsbury: He took it great. Just great.

Will Schuester: I can't thank you enough.

Rachel Berry: Hey. I know it's not my place, but have you had your doctor run the full genetic test panel on your unborn child? I only ask Because my cousin, Leon, and his wife got pregnant, and then they found out that he was a carrier for tay-sachs.

Quinn Fabray: What's that?

Rachel Berry: It's a genetic disorder— Pretty terrible from what I understand. If one of the parents is a carrier, Then there's, like, a 50% chance that the child has it Or something like that. No, leon's... Leon's baby was fine. It was still pretty scary, though.

Quinn Fabray: My doctor never mentioned that.

Rachel Berry: You know... I'm such an idiot. They would only run the test if one of the parents was Jewish. Yeah, only jews carry the gene.

Quinn Fabray: Oh.

Rachel Berry: Okay, I'll see you in rehearsal.

Quinn Fabray: You have to take me to go get those Jewish baby tests.

Noah Puckerman: Why? Is that even a real thing?

Quinn Fabray: Because, if something is wrong with the baby, Terri Schuester isn't going to take it. And I can't ask Finn. He'll know something's up.

Noah Puckerman: Does this have to happen tonight? Because I have my fight club.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys? Let's, uh... Let's gather 'round. Well... I have found my replacement. So, give it up for Ms. Pillsbury.

Brittany S. Pierce: She's the one they made me talk to, when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.

Santana Lopez: So, do you even know anything about music?

Emma Pillsbury: Well...

Will Schuester: What's important Is that she cares about you guys Every bit as much as I do. Now... I-I don't know what the future holds for me... and for us, but I know, Saturday, You're going to make me proud. You guys are going to be great. So... Good-bye for now.

Mercedes Jones: Wait. What about our set list?

Will Schuester: I... I can't help you with that. You've got to figure that out for yourselves. All right, guys.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God.

Artie Abrams: Well, we have to do "Proud Mary" in wheelchairs. That's in.

Finn Hudson: And "Don't Stop Believing," for sure.

Tina Cohen-Chang: What about the ballad?

Rachel Berry: I would be thrilled to contribute a ballad from my repertoire.

Mercedes Jones: Okay, you know what, miss bossy pants? Enough. I've worked just as hard as you, and I'm just as good as you. You know, you always end up stealing the spotlight.

Rachel Berry: Mercedes, do you honestly think You're as strong of a balladeer as I am? Ballads are kind of my thing.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, um, Rachel, Why don't you let Mercedes Give it a try?

Mercedes Jones: Thanks, Mrs. P.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Rachel.

Mercedes Jones: Do I even need to tell you what song? Horns, strings, keep up.
# and I am telling you #
# I'm not going #
# you're the best man I'll ever know #
# there's no way I can ever go #
# no, no, there's no way #
# no, no, no, no way I'm living without you #
# I'm not living without you #
# I don't want to be free #
# I'm staying #
# I'm staying #
# and you, and you #
# you're going to love me #
# yeah #
# ooh-ooh-ooh #
# tear down the mountains #
# yell, scream and shout #
# you can say what you want, I'm not walking out #
# stop all the rivers #
# push, strike and kill #
# I'm not going to leave you #
# there's no way I will #
# and I am #
# telling you #
# I'm not going #
# I'm not living without you #
# not living without you #
# I don't want to be free #
# I'm staying, I'm staying #
# and you, and you, and you #
# you're going to love me... #
# yeah... Yeah! #
# love me, love me #
# love... #
# me! #
Thoughts?

Rachel Berry: It's clear the room adores you. And, although it wouldn't be my first choice, well... I can't wait to see you sing that song at sectionals. You're amazing, Mercedes, and you deserve it. I'm going to hug you now.

Mercedes Jones: Okay. Come on.

Finn Hudson: That was pretty cool in there. I... I know that must have been hard for you.

Rachel Berry: It was the right thing to do. I... I wanted to bring the team together.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. You know, I got to be honest. I'm kind of pumped about sectionals. This has been a... Hard couple of months— with Quinn and the baby and everything and... I don't know— I really think that... Winning could make everything good for while. You know? Is that stupid?

Rachel Berry: It's not stupid at all.

Finn Hudson: Is something up with you?

Rachel Berry: I want you to be happy, Finn.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Rachel Berry: And when you care about someone, You can't sit around and watch them suffer when you know you can do something about it.

Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?

Rachel Berry: I have to tell you something.

Will Schuester: Hey, come on, come on. Get off him! Knock it off! Get off! Get off! Hey.

Finn Hudson: Tell the truth!

Noah Puckerman: Punk just walked in and sucker punched me.

Finn Hudson: Don't play dumb— you're too freaking dumb to play dumb.

Will Schuester: Come on!

Quinn Fabray: Who told you this, Finn?

Kurt Hummel: Obviously, it was Rachel.

Rachel Berry: What? I didn't do anything.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, it was Rachel, but I want to hear it from you. I want to heart it from both of you.

Will Schuester: Finn, just calm down.

Finn Hudson: No! They're both lying to me! Is it true? Just tell me— is it true?

Quinn Fabray: Yes. Puck is the father.

Finn Hudson: So, all... all that stuff in the hot tub... You just made that up?

Noah Puckerman: You were stupid enough to buy it.

Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Quinn Fabray: I am so sorry.

Finn Hudson: Screw this. I'm done with you. I'm done with... I'm done with all of you!

Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry. I fully understand if you want to beat me up. If you can, just try to avoid my nose.

Quinn Fabray: I'm not mad at you. All you did was what I wasn't brave enough to do— tell the truth.

Rachel Berry: I was selfish when I told him. I wanted to break you two up, so he would want to be with me.

Quinn Fabray: And now neither of us have him. I have hurt so many people. Can you go now? I just really want to be alone.

Noah Puckerman: Hey. So, I know you're upset now. But I want to be with you. And I'm going to do everything I can to be a good dad to our baby.

Quinn Fabray: Thanks. But I honestly can't handle any more stress in my life right now. I'm going to do this on my own. I know you don't understand it. But please respect it.

Will Schuester: So, the competition starts at 11:00.

Emma Pillsbury: Right.

Will Schuester: I'll have my cell phone on.

Emma Pillsbury: I know. You already told me. Three times. And you wrote it down.

Jacob Ben Israel: Reporting for duty, Mr. Schuester. I have to tell you, I get terrible public event anxiety.

Emma Pillsbury: You know what, Jacob? It's okay. We just need a 12th member. All right, so, um, just sway in back. You don't even have to sing.

Will Schuester: Yeah, don't even sing.

Jacob Ben Israel: Okay.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Jacob Ben Israel: Great.

Will Schuester: God.

Emma Pillsbury: So, um, still no word from Finn?

Will Schuester: No. I can't thank you enough.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. So, smooth sailing so far, we're all signed in. And, um... According to the program, You have drawn performance slot number three.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We're going last? Isn't that bad?

Rachel Berry: Hardly. This is good news. My extensive auditioning for community theater has taught me that we either want to go first or last. If we're first, then everyone has to measure up to us, and if we're last, Then we're freshest in the judges' minds.

Kurt Hummel: And did you ever get any of those parts?

Emma Pillsbury: I'm with Rachel. On this. The glass is definitely half full of some very good things right now.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, Ms. Pillsbury's right. I mean, we're here now, right? No reason not to go in with some positive mojo.

Emma Pillsbury: Right.

Artie Abrams: Right.

Emma Pillsbury: Right. Right.

Brittany & Santana: Right.

Jane Adams Academy: # and you, and you #
# and you #
# you're gonna love me #
# you're gonna love #

Rachel Berry: It's a really popular song.

Jane Adams Academy: # me! #

Jane Adams Academy: # rolling, rolling #
# yeah #
# yeah #
# rolling on the river... #

Emma Pillsbury: We've got a problem. They're doing all of our numbers. The kids are completely freaking out. Artie keeps ramming himself into the wall, and I'm pretty sure jacob ben israel wet himself.

Will Schuester: I knew it! Sue leaked the set list.

Emma Pillsbury: Will... Will, these kids need a leader right now.

Will Schuester: Just hold tight. I know what to do.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Will Schuester: Sue! What kind of teacher are you?

Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy! I just came by to feed my venus flytrap.

Will Schuester: You leaked the set list! And you are not going to get away with it!

Sue Sylvester: That is a libelous accusation, and I insist you retract it immediately. You have no proof.

Will Schuester: No proof? You are the only person who had the list!

Sue Sylvester: But other than that, you have no proof. It's time to face facts, William. At 1:00 p.m. This afternoon, Your little club will have had its shot at the big time, and they will have failed. Glee club will be canceled, and all that money figgins has been funneling Into your budget will finally And rightfully be restored to mine.

Will Schuester: You have crossed the line. I am not going to sit idly by anymore. I am going to expose you for the fraud that you have become.

Sue Sylvester: Bring it on, William. I'm reasonably confident That you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at— Right next to being being married...

Will Schuester: Don't.

Sue Sylvester: ... Running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sista.

Will Schuester: Get your hands off me.

Sue Sylvester: You're not going to push a woman, are you? I didn't think so.

Will Schuester: Hey, Finn. I just called your mom. She told me you'd be here.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, you know, football season ended, so I'm just cleaning out my things.

Will Schuester: Sounds like something that could've waited till Monday.

Finn Hudson: You heard anything?

Will Schuester: Yeah. It's pretty bad. I can't be there.

Finn Hudson: And I can? I can't even be in the same room as her without crying like a girl. I can't look at him without wanting to punch his face off.

Will Schuester: I don't have any more pep talks, Finn. You know I know how you feel. All I know is that— Between you and me— I don't think that they can win without you.

Finn Hudson: But that's not fair. Why does it always have to come down to me? Why do I always have to be the bigger man?

Will Schuester: Because sometimes being special... sucks.

Finn Hudson: I just want everything to be like it— like it never happened, you know?

Will Schuester: Well, Finn... You can't always get what you want. Listen, I'll be in the choir room.

Finn Hudson: Oh, Mr. Schue, you forgot your keys.

Will Schuester: No, I didn't.

Dalton Rumba: Nope, your money's no good here, I'm buying. Celebratory giant pretzels.

Grace Hitchens: I don't feel much like celebrating.

Dalton Rumba: Why not? One of us is going to take this thing.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi. Nice set list. Of course, I haven't heard your deaf kids perform yet, but I hear they're doing "Don't Stop Believing."

Grace Hitchens: Um, who are you?

Emma Pillsbury: I'm so sorry, let me introduce myself. I'm Emma Pillsbury. I'm the faculty advisor for the Mckinley high school glee club.

Grace Hitchens: Oh. What happened to the white guy with the jheri curl?

Emma Pillsbury: You should be ashamed. Aren't you ashamed? You're educators. Actually, no, you know what? You're more than that. You take care of disadvantaged kids. And you're teaching them that The only way they can compete in this world is by cheating. I'm sorry, but what kind of message is that?

Dalton Rumba: I don't know what you're talking about. "Don't Stop Believing" is the most downloaded song In the history of iTunes. I've only got one good ear And even I know that. Scarlet fever.

Emma Pillsbury: Right, and "Proud Mary?" In wheelchairs?

Grace Hitchens: Do you have any idea How much winning is going to mean to my girls? It's going to be a life changer— Make them feel like they're worth something again.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm-I'm sorry, do you— do you think That they're not going to know that something's up? The fact that you just magically came up With two brand-new numbers days before competition?

Grace Hitchens: They were great up there. That's all I know.

Dalton Rumba: I think What we have here is a case of deaf racism. Shame on you.

Emma Pillsbury: No, you know what the real shame is? Is that maybe if you believed in them just a little bit more They would've been amazing up there. Without cheating.

Deaf Choir: # don't stop believing #
# hold on to that feeling #
# streetlight people #

Rachel Berry: Meeting in the green room in five minutes.

Deaf Choir: # don't stop believing... #

Kurt Hummel: You leaked the set list, you don't want to be here— You were just sue sylvester's little moles.

Quinn Fabray: I know for a fact that's true. Sue asked us to spy for her.

Santana Lopez: Santana: Look, we may still be cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I-I did, but I didn't know what she was going to do with it.

Santana Lopez: Okay, look, believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you ever tell anyone this I'll deny it— But I like being in glee club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't going to go and mess it up.

Rachel Berry: I believe you. Okay, look, guys, there's no point in us arguing anymore. We-we have go on in an hour.

Tina Cohen-Chang: And we have no songs.

Artie Abrams: Perhaps I could improvise some of my deaf poetry jams. No?

Rachel Berry: Look, we're going to do this the right way. Let's start with the ballad. Mercedes, do you have anything else in your repertoire?

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, but it's not as good As anything you're going to sing.

Rachel Berry: No, we, we agreed...

Mercedes Jones: We agreed that I would sing and I'm telling you, and that ain't happening. Look, Rachel, The truth is you're the best singer that we've got.

Kurt Hummel: As much as it hurts me to admit it— and it does— She's right. Rachel's our star. If anyone is going to go belt it on the fly, it should be her.

Rachel Berry: Well, I do have something That I've been working on since I was four.

Quinn Fabray: Then I guess we have our ballad, and we can close With "somebody to love." It's a real crowd-pleaser.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, that and a can of soup will guarantee us third place. We still need another song We can all sing together.

Finn Hudson: I have one. I found the sheet music online. I used the cheerios' copier to make copies and then I trashed the thing. Mike, Matt, Brittany, Santana, you're our best dancers. Figure something out and we'll all follow your lead.

Mike Chang: It's going to be choppy.

Finn Hudson: Good. We're best when we're loose. Look, all we have going for us is that we believe in ourselves And what we're singing about. If we can show the judges that... we might have a shot at this thing.

Rachel Berry: It's good to have you back, Finn.

Finn Hudson: You cool if I take my spot back?

Jacob Ben Israel: Quite. I was just here because I was hoping to get into Rachel's pants.

Noah Puckerman: We cool, dude?

Finn Hudson: No.

Quinn Fabray: Finn...

Rachel Berry: You okay?

Finn Hudson: Don't worry about me. Okay, this is all up to you now. You wanted the solo, you wanted The chance to be the star. This is your chance. Don't screw it up.

Will Schuester: Well, a-are they nervous? Has it started?

Emma Pillsbury: Showtime.

Emcee: And now our final team— Mckinley High's New Directions!

Rachel Berry: # don't tell me not to live #
# just sit and putter #
# life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter #
# don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade #
# don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to #
# if someone takes a spill, it's me and not you #
# who told you you're allowed to rain on my #
# parade #
# I'm marching my band out #
# I'm beating my drum #
# and if I'm fanned out #
# your turn at bat, sir #
# at least I didn't fake it #
# hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it #
# but whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection #
# a freckle on the nose of life's complexion #
# the cinder or the shiny apple #
# of its eye #
# I gotta fly once, I gotta try once #
# only can die once #
# right, sir? #
# oh, life is juicy, juicy, and you see #
# I gotta have my bite, sir #
# get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a comer #
# I simply gotta March, my heart's a drummer #
# don't bring around a cloud #
# To rain on my parade #
# I'm gonna live and live now #
# get what I want, I know how #
# one roll for the whole shebang #
# one throw, that bell will go clang #
# eye on the target and wham! #
# one shot, one gunshot, and bam! #
# hey, Mr. Arnstein #
# here I am... #
# I'll March my band... #
# out #
# I'll beat #
# my drum #
# and if I'm fanned out #
# your turn at bat, sir #
# at least I didn't fake it, hat, sir #
# I guess I didn't make it #
# get ready for me, love #
# 'cause I'm a comer #
# I simply gotta March, my heart's a drummer #
# nobody, no, nobody #
# is gonna #
# rain on my #
# parade! #
Ladies and gentlemen, the new directions.

New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
# you can't always get what you want #
# but if you try sometimes #
# you'll find #
# you get what you need #
# oh... #

Finn Hudson: # I saw her today #
# at the reception #
# a glass of wine #
# in her hand #
# I knew she was gonna meet #
# her connection #
# at her feet was her footloose man #

New Directions: # no, you can't #
# you can't always get what you want #

Finn Hudson: # oh, no, no, you can't #

New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #

Finn Hudson: # what you want #

New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #

Finn Hudson: # you can't always get what you want #

New Directions: # but if you try sometimes #
# well, you just might find #
# you get what you need #

Mercedes Jones: # hey, hey, yeah #

Rachel Berry: # and I went down to the demonstration #
# To get my fair share of abuse #

Finn & Rachel: # singin' we're #

Rachel Berry: # gonna vent our frustration #

Finn & Rachel: # if we don't, we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse #
# sing it to me now #

New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #

Artie Abrams: # no, no, no, no #

New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #

Mercedes Jones: # no, no, no, no #

New Directions: # you can't always get what you want #
# oh... #
# but if you try sometimes #
# well, you just might find #
# you get what you need #

Mercedes Jones: # oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #

New Directions: # get what you need #

Rachel Berry: # you can't always get what you want #

New Directions: # get what you need #
# oh, yeah, what you need #
# what you need, yeah #
# yeah! #
# what you need! #

Candace Dystra: Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don't know how those deaf kids got in. They weren't singing. They were, like, honking And everyone was crying and I was, like, "get off the stage. You're terrible and you're making me super uncomfortable."

Rod Remington: Now, hold on just a second, candy. Those haverhurst kids twice had me reaching for my handkerchief, and those jane addams girls had it going on In all the right places.

Donna Landries: Can I just say something? I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I'm serious. I don't understand what a glee club is, and I have never even heard the term "show choir" Until about three hours ago When my boss told me he had tickets to nascar And I had to fill in at this fool event. Those Jane Addams girls— I'll be damned If I didn't apportion hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' dollars to that school So they can parade their behinds around like a bunch of hoochie hos.

Candace Dystra: The Mckinley group was good but didn't seem all that rehearsed, but I liked their energy.

Rod Remington: Well, I have to admit I have a soft spot For the rolling stones. I was at altamont speedway in '69. I actually saw that guy get stabbed. Can't get that image out of my noggin to this day.

Donna Landries: I seriously don't know What either one of you are talking about. I have never been so bored. I mean, If I had to pick a group that I hated the least...

Artie Abrams: It doesn't sound good, guys.

Grace Hitchens: Hey, Um... I just wanted to say how great you all were, and I thought you were amazing.

Rachel Berry: We have nothing to say to you.

Grace Hitchens: Because we cheated, I know. I feel terrible about it, but I'm going to tell the judges right now that we don't deserve to win.

Rod Remington: And your e-mail addresses?

Candace Dystra: You guys were so much fun to watch. You should be very proud.

Donna Landries: Get me the hell out of here.

Grace Hitchens: Um, excuse me, um, I have something I need to tell you.

Rod Remington: I'm sorry, we've made our decision.

Terri Schuester: Hi.

Will Schuester: I thought you worked on Saturday afternoon.

Terri Schuester: Yeah, I came home early. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping very well.What's with the monkey suit?

Will Schuester: Ken and Emma's wedding— it's at 4:00.

Terri Schuester: Oh, yeah. Here.

Will Schuester: Oh, I'm fine.

Terri Schuester: Oh. I want you to know I've been seeing a therapist. Oh, it's just at the local community center, but still.

Will Schuester: Good. I hope it works out for you.

Terri Schuester: I'm taking responsibility, Will. I mean, I'm weak, and I'm selfish, and I let my anxiety rule my life, but you know I wasn't always that way. It's just that... I wanted so many things that I know we're never going to have. But that was okay as long as I still had you. Say something?

Will Schuester: I'm looking at you, and I'm trying. I mean, I really want to feel that thing I always felt when I looked at you before. That feeling of family, of love. But it's gone.

Terri Schuester: Forever?

Will Schuester: I don't know.

Will Schuester: Hey. Nice ice sculpture. Where's Ken?

Emma Pillsbury: Um, home, I'd imagine, Probably trying to regain some of the pride that I stole from him. He dumped me.

Will Schuester: What?

Emma Pillsbury: He said moving the wedding for sectionals was the last straw.

Will Schuester: But I thought he understood That-that you were doing this for the kids.

Emma Pillsbury: He understand that... I wasn't doing it for the kids. I was doing it for you.

Will Schuester: Emma... I'm so sorry.

Emma Pillsbury: No. Gosh, no, it's not your fault.I-I really messed up. He was absolutely right. I was settling for him. Really, one blink from you, Will, and I would have been out the door. So, um... I e-mailed my resignation to Figgins.

Will Schuester: I...

Emma Pillsbury: My last day is Monday. I just can't... I just can't be at that school. I can't see Ken without feeling ashamed, and I can't see you without feeling heartbroken.

Will Schuester: I just left my wife.

Emma Pillsbury: No. I'm sorry. I, um... I'm going.

Will Schuester: But I just...

Emma Pillsbury: Just left your wife. Exactly. You just did.

Will Schuester: You make a beautiful bride.

Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.

Principal Figgins: Sue, the directors, both from the jane addams academy And haverbrook school for the deaf, Have informed me That you gave them the new directions' set list.

Sue Sylvester: You have no proof.

Principal Figgins: The set lists were on cheerios' letterhead.

Sue Sylvester: I didn't do it.

Principal Figgins: They say, "from the desk of sue sylvester."

Sue Sylvester: Circumstantial evidence.

Principal Figgins: They're written in your handwriting!

Sue Sylvester: Forgeries.

Principal Figgins: Sue, there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!

Sue Sylvester: Well, you've clearly made up your mind not to be impartial in this case. So let's see if you can't wrap up this little lecture, Slap me on the wrist, and let me get back to whipping my squad of champions into shape. We have to be in albuquerque In a couple of weeks for nationals.

Principal Figgins: Sue! Sit down! Sue, as of today, You are no longer coach of the cheerios.

Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?

Principal Figgins: As of today, You are no longer coach of the cheerios.

Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon!

Principal Figgins: All this time, I thought...

Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?!

Principal Figgins: All this time, I thought Mr. Schuester was overreacting. And frankly, I was too willing to look past your monkeyshines because you kept winning. But now, you've gone too far! You have embarrassed yourself And besmirched the name of william Mckinley.

Sue Sylvester: A failed president.

Principal Figgins: Oh, please! The greatest one who ever lived! You are suspended from this school as of today. Schue, you have anything to add?

Will Schuester: I think you said it all.

Principal Figgins: My word is official! Let it be written.

Sue Sylvester: Okay, if this is the way you want to play it. Okay.

Principal Figgins: Schue, in light of Sue's interference, I am reinstating you as coach of the glee club. I contacted the Ohio show choir governing board And set the record straight.

Will Schuester: Thank you, sir.

Principal Figgins: My pleasure.

Will Schuester: All right. Good job.

Sue Sylvester: Schuester? Well played, sir. I underestimated you. All right, here's what happens now. I'm gonna head down to my condo in boca to brown up a bit, Get myself back into fighting shape. Then I'm gonna return to this school even more hell-bent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester. You are about to board the sue sylvester express. Destination? Horror!

Will Schuester: I look forward to it, sue.

Sue Sylvester: You know you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepared to be crushed.

Finn Hudson: Well, we have a few things we'd like to show you, Mr. Schue. The first...

Will Schuester: I am so proud of you guys. You won fair and square. The result was unanimous, and the judges didn't even know about all the shenanigans That were going on behind the scenes. So... congratulations. You earned this. Yeah! Give it up! Come on! All right! But... Now we have regionals to worry about. And you can bet that vocal adrenaline Is hard at work, so we should be, too. So, let's get started.

Noah Puckerman: Uh, wait, Mr. Schue. There's one more thing.

Rachel Berry: Since you weren't able to be there to see us perform, We put together a special number just for you. Take a seat!

New Directions: # la, la-la, la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la, la #
# la, la-la, la, la #

Rachel Berry: # guess this means you're sorry, you're standing at my door #
# guess this means you take back all you said before #
# like how much you wanted anyone but me #
# said you'd never come back, but here you are again #

New Directions: # 'cause we belong together now, yeah #
# forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you #

Finn & Rachel: # you know that I've got issues #
# but you're pretty messed up, too #
# either way, I found out I'm nothing without you #

New Directions: # 'cause we belong together now #
# yeah #
# forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you #
# 'cause we belong together now #

Rachel Berry: # together now #

New Directions: # forever united here somehow, yeah #
# you got a piece of me #
# and honestly #
# my life #
# my life #
# would suck #
# would suck #
# without you! #

Mercedes Jones: Hey babe. Looking good.

Rachel Berry: Feeling good, Mercedes.

Mercedes Jones: This is amazing. Ever since glee club won sectionals, Everybody looks at us differently.

Jacob Ben Israel: I want to be with you, Rachel.

Kurt Hummel: We're glitterati. I feel like lady gaga.

Rachel Berry: Get used to it, guys. We're stars now. On par with all the jocks and popular kids. Oh, it's the dawn of a new era here at Mckinley, and we are gonna rule this school!

Dave Karofsky: Ooh-hoo, welcome to loser town.

Azimio Adams: Population: You.

Will Schuester: I don't understand. We won sectionals. I completely demonstrated the validity of this program. Now you're saying we have to place at regionals or the glee club's gone?

Principal Figgins: Schue, that was the deal from the beginning. I still have a bottom line. Those spotlights in the auditorium Don't run on dreams. Our electricity consumption is up two percent. Besides, it's cold out, Schue, and the cheerios Can no longer practice out of doors! They need the use of the auditorium as well.

Will Schuester: But the cheerios don't even have a coach.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, yes, they do. Hey, buddy, you get a haircut? Looks awful.

Will Schuester: What are you doing here?

Sue Sylvester: I'm just dropping off a mocha for my maharishi. I took the liberty of making it a double whip. Because after our conciliatory dinner, I happen to know that there is nothing You won't eat whipped cream off of. Would have gotten you one, will, But, uh, I don't like you. Okay.

Will Schuester: Wait, what the hell is going on here? You suspended her After she leaked our set list at sectionals.

Principal Figgins: Yes, and the point of suspension is reinstatement.

Finn Hudson: In some ways, I'm happy football season's over. I did set the single-season record for being sacked, but we only won one game. So, I'm hoping basketball can be a fresh start. The fact is, I'm kind of depressed.

Rachel Berry: Hey, Finn.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Rachel Berry: I made us his and her relationship calendars. That way, we always know what the other is up to, So you can't say you forgot we had plans When you miss our dates anymore.

Finn Hudson: Great, but I'm kind of allergic to cats, so...

Rachel Berry: I filled in all of our dates for the next month. On the sixth, we're going to see phantom At the autistic children's center.

Finn Hudson: I know I saved glee club, and I guess chicks dig me, but I guess if I'm being honest, It's more like I'm not over her.

Noah Puckerman: I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just saying, please stop super-sizing, 'cause... I don't dig on fat chicks.

Quinn Fabray: I'm pregnant.

Noah Puckerman: And that's my fault?

Finn Hudson: And Rachel— Now that we're sort of dating, I have to work So much harder to pretend to be listening to her. That sounds great.

Finn Hudson: Sometimes I wish I could be more like coach tanaka. He pulled a jessica simpson. You know, lost his fiancée, gained 40 pounds And stopped showering. And everyone acts like it's totally normal.

Rachel Berry: That's my boyfriend!

Finn Hudson: I'm off my game, and I don't know how to get back on it.

Sue Sylvester: There. You no longer confuse me with your she-male looks. I'm going to donate this to the victims of hurricane katrina. They can use it to plug the holes in their trailers.

Will Schuester: Sue. Please tell me how you managed to pull off Getting reinstated.

Sue Sylvester: Well, William, I realized back in my condo in boca That I had indeed behaved poorly. Riddled with remorse, I arranged a dinner So figgins and I could have a little professional sit-down.

Principal Figgins: Sue, there's no way I'm letting you back into that school.

Sue Sylvester: Mind flagging down that waiter?

Sue Sylvester: We had a very frank and healing discussion. And you know what, Will? It was like he was seeing me and my moral integrity For the very first time.

Sue Sylvester: So here's what's going to happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or I will tell your wife and the entire congregation of the cornerstone bible way church of our sexual congress. It's your choice. Smile.

Will Schuester: Okay, look, Sue, if you're back, let's bury the hatchet.

Sue Sylvester: I won't be burying any hatchets, William, Unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me.

Will Schuester: You did this to yourself, sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, enjoy this, William. Now that I am back and my position is secured, I will not stop until you are fired, and your little glee club is annihilated into oblivion.

Will Schuester: Bring it.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna bring? I'm going to bring some asian cookery to rub your head with. 'Cause right now you got enough product in your hair to season a wok.

Will Schuester: Hello. Hello?

New Directions: Hello.

Will Schuester: What do you guys say when you answer the phone?

Mercedes Jones: What up?

Artie Abrams: Who this be?

Kurt Hummel: No, she's dead. This is her son.

Will Schuester: O-kay... Alexander graham bell, inventor of the telephone, Liked to say "ahoy, ahoy" when he answered the phone. It was edison who decided that "hello" Was a more appropriate greeting. Look, I am really proud of what you guys did at sectionals, but as most of you have realized by now, It hasn't made a bit of difference In your day-to-day at school.

Rachel Berry: I have a slushe e-stained training bra to prove it.

Will Schuester: The fact is, we're gonna have to be better, Even more spectacular, at regionals. It's time for some reinvention, some new new directions. We need a new... Hello. Here's your assignment for the week. Come up with a fresh number, but it has to have "hello" In the song title, all right?

Will Schuester: Hi.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Will Schuester: This is kind of weird, isn't it?

Emma Pillsbury: Yes.

Will Schuester: I mean, here we are. We've been in this exact situation a hundred times. Only this time, I could just lean over and kiss you if I want to. And I want to.

Emma Pillsbury: No, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry.

Emma Pillsbury: Um... I just need to clean up first, So I'll be right back. Just hold on.

Will Schuester: No, no, no, no. Hey, Emma, I don't care. We've kissed before.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, but you caught me by surprise sneak attack that time. It was like a... A pearly white harbor. I'm sorry, this is a completely unattractive quality.

Will Schuester: You are adorable. You're right, too. We need to clean up a little before we charge forward. Get the monkeys off our backs. Let's do this right. We should go on a date.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Will Schuester: Get to know each other as these... New people, not tied down by anyone. My place. I'll cook.

Emma Pillsbury: I didn't know you could cook.

Will Schuester: There are so many things you don't know about me. And I can't wait to introduce them all to you. I'll see you later.

Sue Sylvester: You two should be wetting yourselves with shame. Glee club won sectionals, and you did nothing to stop it. If you were samurai, and my letter opener were sharp enough, I would ask you both right now to commit seppuku. In japanese, this means ritual belly-slitting.

Brittany S. Pierce: We were seduced by the glitz and glamour of show biz.

Sue Sylvester: Let me drop some knowledge on you. Ever since Quinn Fabray got knocked up, I've been in the market for a new head cheerleader. If you want the job and back in my good graces, You're gonna have to turn around And listen up. You're familiar with a little glee clubber named Rachel Berry? Rachel's the kind of girl Who wants things too badly. And what she really wants is one Finn hudson. I want you to go after him. She'll go crazy. She won't be able to stand your dating him. Humiliated, shamed, She'll have no choice but to leave the group. And without her, Schuester won't make it to regionals.

Will Schuester: I know it's been hard on you since the baby drama. Trust me, I get it, and it sucks.

Finn Hudson: You seem to be handling it fine.

Will Schuester: Well, it's because I realized that I had to find this new person inside of me, The one that was okay with what happened.

Finn Hudson: I just feel so bad about myself.

Will Schuester: Finn, that guy who made all those bad choices, Who ignored the signs, he's gone. This new, more experienced, more interesting guy is here. And I brought you here to introduce you to him. Help you move forward.

Finn Hudson: Oh, you mean like, meeting other girls? Because I think I'm dating Rachel. At least she sure thinks I am.

Will Schuester: No, it's not about meeting someone else. It's about being okay just being you. Come on, you're a rock star, Finn. You're like jagger, morrison.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, I like that.

Will Schuester: Good. I want you to meet the new and improved Finn hudson By singing about it.

Finn Hudson: Oh, that's why the band's here.

Will Schuester: Yeah. Pick a song, and they're ready to back you up.

Finn Hudson: Well, I like what you said about me being like morrison. And the doors have a "hello" song. So maybe I could find myself And do my glee assignment at the same time.

Will Schuester: All right, man, go to work.

Finn Hudson: # hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# she's walking down the street #
# blind to every eye she meets #
# do you think #
# you'll be the guy #
# to make #
# the queen of the angels sigh? #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# hello, I love you #
# won't you tell me your name? #
# hello, I love you #
# let me jump in your game #
# sidewalk crouches at her feet #
# like a dog that begs for something sweet #
# do you hope to make her see, you fool? #
# do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel? #
# hello #
# hello #
# hello #
# hello #
# I want you #
# I need my baby #
# hello #
# hello. #

Rachel Berry: And that, fellow glee clubbers, is how we say hello. Mr. Schuester, I'd like to run some of my "hello" ideas by you.

Brittany S. Pierce: You're a really good dancer.

Finn Hudson: Thanks, but my feet weren't really moving.

Brittany S. Pierce: That was the best part.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Santana Lopez: Brit and I were wondering if you wanted to go out.

Finn Hudson: On a... Date? With which one of you?

Brittany & Santana: With both of us.

Santana Lopez: Breadstix, 8:00. Table for three?

Finn Hudson: Cool.

Rachel Berry: What did they want?

Finn Hudson: Oh, nothing. Just the time.

Rachel Berry: I know being my boyfriend is a challenge. I'm not Quinn. I don't look like her. I'm not popular, and my personality, Though exciting and full of surprises, Isn't exactly lo w-maintenance, but... I'll always be honest with you. Painfully so. And all I ask in return Is that you're just honest with me.

Finn Hudson: I don't think I want to be your boyfriend.

Rachel Berry: What?

Finn Hudson: Look, Rachel, you're really awesome, but I think I need to connect with my inner rock star Before I can fully commit to one woman. I need to find out who I am now.

Rachel Berry: I'll tell you who you are. You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me Because you think it might hurt your reputation— Though, which you'd never admit it, Is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you, Not just because it hurt, but because it was so humiliating.

Finn Hudson: You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now.

Rachel Berry: I just see you for who you are. Unlike you, who can only see me as this silly girl Who made a fool out of herself In her first glee club rehearsal. And that's where you lose, Finn. Because, if you take a second look at me, You'd realize that I'm the only person in your life Who knows you and accepts you for who you are, no matter what.

Finn Hudson: Well, obviously, hawaiian pizza's the best Because it's got ham and pineapple on it, right?

Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-hmm.

Finn Hudson: So, it's better than most pizzas because it has...

Will Schuester: All right, guys, you got to get moving On those "hello" numbers. Who has got something to show us? Volunteers?

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I think I found a song That sums up my feelings perfectly.

Will Schuester: Fantastic, Rachel. Show us what you got.

Rachel Berry: # I wake up every evening #
# with a big smile on my face #
# and it never feels out of place #
# when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# now, where's your picket fence, love? #
# and where's that shiny car? #
# and did it ever get you far? #
# you never seemed so tense, love #
# I've never seen you fall so hard #
# do you know where you are? #
# and truth be told, I miss you #
# and truth be told, I'm lying #
# when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# if you find a man #
# that's worth a damn and treats you well #
# treats you well #
# then he's a fool #
# you're just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #
# now, you'll never see #
# what you've done to me #
# you can take back your memories #
# they're no good to me #
# and here's all your lies #
# you can look me in the eyes #
# with the sad, sad look #
# that you wear so well #

New Directions: # when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# if you find a man that's worth a damn #
# and treats you well #
# treats you well #
# then he's a fool, you're just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #

Rachel Berry: # when you see my face, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell #
# hope it gives you hell #
# when you hear this song and sing along #
# well, you'll never tell #

New Directions: # never tell #

Rachel Berry: # then you're the fool, I'm just as well #
# hope it gives you hell #

New Directions: # gives you hell #

Rachel Berry: # when you hear this song #
# I hope that it will give you hell #

New Directions: # give you hell #

Rachel Berry: # you can sing along #
# I hope that it will treat you well. #

Will Schuester: Guys, guys, guys. I don't want to be a buzz-kill, but the assignment was "hello." I'm sorry.

Rachel Berry: I was just focusing on the first syllable.

Will Schuester: You know what? I don't think you guys understand The seriousness of what we're up against. While we were busy winning our sectional, Vocal Adrenaline was busy winning theirs. They're last year's national champions. They haven't lost a competition in three years. This is the big leagues, guys. If we don't place at regionals, glee club is over.

Jesse St. James: Lionel richie, huh? One of my favorites.

Rachel Berry: Oh, my god, you're Jesse St. James. You're in Vocal Adrenaline.

Jesse St. James: And you're Rachel Berry. I saw you perform at sectionals. Your rendition of "don't rain on my parade" was flawed. You totally lacked barbra's emotional depth. But you're talented. This is one of my favorite haunts. I like to come and flip through the celebrity biographies. Pick up some lifestyle tips. I'm a senior now, so this year's kind of my victory lap. Snagging a fourth consecutive national championship would just be gravy. I'm getting out of ohio soon. I've got a full ride to a little school Called the university of california los angeles. Maybe you've heard of it. It's in los angeles. What do you say we take it for a spin?

Rachel Berry: Here? Oh, no, I-I-I'm kind of nervous.

Jesse St. James: I remember when I used to get nervous. Come on. I do this all the time. I like to give impromptu concerts for the homeless. It's so important to give back.
# I've been alone #
# with you inside my mind #
# and in my dreams, I've kissed your lips #
# a thousand times #
# I sometimes see you pass #
# outside my door #
# hello #
# is it me you're looking for? #

Rachel & Jesse: # I can see it in your eyes #
# I can see it in your smile #
# you're all I've ever wanted #
# and my arms are open wide #
# 'cause you know just what to say #
# and you know just what to do #
# and I want to tell you so much #
# I love you #

Rachel Berry: # oh, yeah #

Jesse St. James: # I long to see the sunlight #
# in your hair #

Rachel Berry: # and tell you time and time again #
# how much I care #

Rachel & Jesse: # sometimes I feel my heart #
# will overflow #
# hello #
# I've just got to let you know #
# 'cause I wonder where you are #

Jesse St. James: # and I wonder what you do #

Rachel Berry: # I wonder what you do #

Rachel & Jesse: # are you somewhere feeling lonely #
# or is someone loving you? #
# tell me how to win your heart #
# for I haven't got a clue #
# but let me start by saying #
# I love you. #

Jesse St. James: We should do this more often. How's friday night?

Santana Lopez: Excuse me. We'd like to send these back.

Waitress Sandy: But you ate all of it.

Santana Lopez: Look, I'm pretty sure you have to do what we say. And this food was not satisfactory.

Brittany S. Pierce: There was a mouse in mine.

Santana Lopez: So, we'd like more, please. All right, hottest guys in the school. Go.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, um, Puck's super-fine.

Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.

Brittany S. Pierce: Finn's cute, too.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, but he's not hot, though.

Brittany S. Pierce: He really isn't.

Santana Lopez: And you know what, brit? I think that dwarf girlfriend of his Is dragging down his rep. I mean, if he were dating, Say, popular pretty girls like us, He would go from dumpy to smokin'.

Finn Hudson: Hello? Hey, I'm right here. Would you guys mind, like, including me in your conversations?

Santana Lopez: I'll just give you an introduction Into the way that we work. You buy us dinner and we make out in front of you. It's like the best deal ever.

Brittany S. Pierce: Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?

Santana Lopez: I know. She looked like pippi longstocking, But, like, israeli.

Brittany S. Pierce: Those sweaters make her look homeschooled.

Finn Hudson: Hey, guys, come on. Don't make fun of Rachel. She's... She's kind of cool.

Brittany S. Pierce: Finn, that's mean.

Santana Lopez: You know what, actually? Would you mind waiting in the car? And leave your credit card.

Brittany S. Pierce: Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks? Yeah.

Neil Diamond: # hello again #
# hello #

Will Schuester: # just called to say #
# hello #
# I couldn't sleep #
# at all tonight #
# and I know it's late #
# but I couldn't wait... #

Will Schuester: This is the perfect song for us. See, he's known this girl for so long, but they've just been friends, and now he's calling her up to tell her he wants more. I was sort of inspired By my "hello" assignment with the kids.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, I love it.

Will Schuester: Yeah?

Emma Pillsbury: I love it.

Will Schuester: You do? Oh... I don't know why, but... I always had a soft spot for this song.

Neil Diamond: # you're there at home #
# hello #
# maybe it's been crazy #
# and maybe I'm to blame #
# but I put my heart above my head... #

Emma Pillsbury: Too much too fast. Too much too fast.

Will Schuester: You smell great, your teeth are clean...

Emma Pillsbury: You're very sweet. It's not that. I'm... I just haven't been, uh... Intimate In a very, very long time.

Will Schuester: How long?

Emma Pillsbury: Ever. I just haven't found the right person. You know, someone who won't reject me When things get really hard with my, um, with my problems.

Will Schuester: It-it's cool.

Emma Pillsbury: It's not. It's not cool. I can tell.

Will Schuester: No, no, no. Emma... I understand. I'll pop in a movie.

Emma Pillsbury: Do we have to watch armageddon again?

Will Schuester: Uh, it's that or bad boys. They're the only dvds that Terri left behind. She liked to have bruckheimer night every other week.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, okay.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Rach, can we talk? Look, I want to apologize. I realized I don't want to date other girls. Only you. You do talk too much, and usually you're just talking about yourself, but at least I don't feel alone when I'm with you.

Rachel Berry: I'm glad you've come to that realization, but you're too late. I've met someone else— A boy who's finally worthy of my talent and love.

Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa, wait. Do I know him? Is he, is he bigger than me?

Rachel Berry: Oh, he doesn't go to this school, and he's a senior. His name is Jesse, and he's the male lead in Vocal Adrenaline. We're both aware that our rome o-and-juliet romance Will be a challenge, but our deep respect For each other's talent will carry us through.

Finn Hudson: Rachel, don't you think that's kind of suspicious? We make it to regionals and suddenly The top guy in our main competition picks you up?

Rachel Berry: I know it's hard to believe that anyone would like me Without an ulterior motive, but you have to respect That our love is real. Move on, Finn. I finally have.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue... We have a problem.

Santana Lopez: Finn didn't fall for any of our tricks.

Sue Sylvester: Such as?

Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't wear a bra, and I had them turn up the air conditioning.

Sue Sylvester: Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young sarah palin.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, we did find out Rachel's with some dude from Vocal Adrenaline.

Sue Sylvester: Name?

Santana Lopez: Jesse St. James.

Sue Sylvester: Ooh, bringing down this club may be easier than I thought. I'm engorged with venom and triumph. Now get the hell out of my office.

Jesse St. James: # livin' easy, livin' free #
# a season ticket on a one-way ride #
# goin' down, party town #
# my friends are gonna be there, too #
# I'm on the #
# highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway #
# highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway to hell #
# I'm on a highway to hell #
# I'm on it, I'm on it #
# highway to hell... #
# don't stop me #
# oh, yeah! #

Shelby Corcoran: Stop please. Dear God, just stop. Seriously, guys, It's like watching beige paint dry. Could everyone please look at Jesse? Jesse, give us a show face. That's a show face, guys. You want to look so talented, It's literally hurting you. I want a look that's so optimistic, It could cure cancer. That's what I'm talking about. Take five, everybody. Drink a red bull.

Will Schuester: Excuse me, Ms. Corcoran? Hi, I'm Will Schuester.

Shelby Corcoran: Sorry, I don't know who you are.

Will Schuester: I'm a big fan, really. I also coach the Mckinley glee club.

Shelby Corcoran: I don't usually cotton too well to my competition sneaking in to watch a rehearsal. But I also have trouble seeing you guys as competition.

Will Schuester: I believe you have a student named Jesse St. James? Yeah, I think he might be dating one of my students. I'm more than a little concerned With the whole fraternizing with the enemy aspect of their relationship.

Shelby Corcoran: You think we're spying on you?

Will Schuester: Honestly? Yes.

Shelby Corcoran: Noted. Look, I don't stand For any funny business, and Jesse's a good kid. I mean, what can you do? The heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes there's that little spark.

Shelby Corcoran: I'm not interested in coaching Just your average high school glee club. I'm driven to excellence.

Will Schuester: Yeah, excellence.

Shelby Corcoran: A lot of people thought I couldn't take nationals With a routine where the kids dance entirely on their hands.

Will Schuester: Okay... I'm sorry. We have to stop. I... I just can't do this.

Shelby Corcoran: Aw, I'm sorry. I'm all business; I'm trying to work on that.

Will Schuester: No, it isn't that.

Shelby Corcoran: Are you gay?

Will Schuester: What? No.

Shelby Corcoran: Because most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay.

Shelby Corcoran: I spend every waking moment Thinking about Vocal Adrenaline. I have no life. I haven't been on a date in three years.

Will Schuester: Here you go.

Shelby Corcoran: Thanks. I did lie to you earlier. I do know who you are. I saw you at our fall invitational. I thought you were really cute.

Will Schuester: You know, I know what you mean- about being obsessed with work. I'm so committed to the glee club, and I think it played a big part in ending my marriage.

Shelby Corcoran: How long have you been divorced?

Will Schuester: Um... Well, I'm not really divorced yet. And then I-I started dating Someone I-I really care about, but it isn't working for some reason.

Shelby Corcoran: Oh, you're already seeing someone else And you were just making out with me.

Will Schuester: I'm kind of a mess.

Shelby Corcoran: Look, I don't want to tell you how to live your life...

Will Schuester: Please, be my guest.

Shelby Corcoran: I think you need to take some time to reintroduce yourself to yourself. You just finished being somebody's husband, and that didn't really work out. And now you're running off to be Somebody's boyfriend? Seems to me you need to take a little breather. Look, that hair, that dimple, that Terrible clunker you drive— I think you're about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Here's my number. When you get things sorted out, give me a call. Thank you for the coffee. And the making out— kind of hot.

Rachel Berry: Hey, guys.

Kurt Hummel: Cut the butter, benedict arnold. We heard about your new boyfriend.

Mercedes Jones: Look, Rachel, We're all happy that you're happy, but we've worked too hard in glee club to let you throw it all away on a relationship That might not even be real.

Rachel Berry: Why, 'cause he's in Vocal Adrenaline?

Kurt Hummel: Their motto is " aut neca aut necatus eris." Which loosely translates to " murder or be murdered."

Tina Cohen-Chang: They give their dancers human growth hormone.

Mercedes Jones: Look, we're not saying The dude is playing you.

Kurt Hummel: He's playing you.

Mercedes Jones: We just think that until regionals are over, We can't risk the possibility that he is.

Tina Cohen-Chang: None of us want to go through What happened at sectionals again.

Rachel Berry: Okay, look, Jesse and I might not be true love, but what if we are? I know who I am. And how many chances at this am I going to get?

Kurt Hummel: If you don't break up with him, you're out.

Rachel Berry: You can't kick me out!

Artie Abrams: But we can all quit if Mr. Schue doesn't.

Rachel Berry: Well, good luck winning without me.

Kurt Hummel: Everyone is replaceable, even you.

Rachel Berry: How could you do this to me?

Mercedes Jones: How could you do this to us? We're a team, and All you've ever wanted was for us to be great, and be a part of something special. Now is that still true or not?

Rachel Berry: You wanted to see me, coach Sylvester?

Sue Sylvester: I did, Rachel. I want to introduce you to the Mckinley high old maids club.

Lauren Zizes: Have a seat, boy hips.

Rachel Berry: I don't understand.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, it's come to my attention That you've been given the old heave-ho By that Terribly uncoordinated Finn hudson.

Dottie Westerton: Ouch.

Sue Sylvester: And I also understand You have a serious suitor in the form a piping hot Hunkwad from another district, but that your fellow Glee clubbers are so incensed with betrayal, They barely have time to apply freeze off to the clusters of warts between their knuckles.

Rachel Berry: How did you know that?

Santana Lopez: Brit and I told everybody in glee club About Jesse St. James. They're furious.

Brittany S. Pierce: If Rachel falls for him, the club will self-destruct.

Sue Sylvester: Outstanding. On to step two. Round up a bunch of mustach e-sporting teenage girls With glandular conditions. Anything else?

Brittany S. Pierce: Sometimes I forget my middle name.

Lauren Zizes: I know how torn you must be, Berry. My freshman year, I fell for a boy on an opposing wrestling squad, but my team wouldn't go for it. So, the next time I stepped onto the mat, I pinned him so hard, it ruptured his scrotum, Ending his run for The state championship And my run for his heart. To my team, I was a legend. But I relished this victory in solitude. Now, I spend my Friday nights Making out with my cat And watching ghost whisperer.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, If I weren't ignoring What these ladies were saying Out of an overwhelming sense of deep repulsion, I would probably hear them encouraging you to go for it with your carmel high beau. Or you might end up like Dottie here, who, although her father offered A sizeable dowry, which included livestock, Still couldn't get a date to homecoming.

Rachel Berry: No homecoming?

Sue Sylvester: No valentines, no sock hop. Rachel, you need to become even more narcissistic And self-centered than you already are. Think of yourself- your potential happiness. If not, Join the club.

Terri Schuester: Beautiful table. Meticulous, really. I guess being crazy has its benefits.

Emma Pillsbury: It's date night. Actually, it was tomorrow, but will wanted tonight, so, I'm surprising him. And I know He keeps a key under the mat.

Terri Schuester: You're really loving this, aren't you?

Emma Pillsbury: I take no pleasure in your pain, Terri. But I am enjoying Seeing will get a second chance at happiness, yes.

Terri Schuester: Oh, and you're the one to introduce him to this magical new world of bliss? What, you with your thre e-times-a-day showers And the fact that you can't sleep Unless your shoes are all in a row?

Emma Pillsbury: Is there a reason that you're here? 'Cause I'd kind of like you to be gone when will gets home.

Terri Schuester: I just need to pick up the rest of my bruckheimer DVDs. Whose is this?

Emma Pillsbury: That's mine. I got really tired of watching con air every night. And Will picked "hello" as our song.

Terri Schuester: Oh, you poor girl. Don't bother sleeping with my husband tonight. You're already screwed. "Hello" was our prom song. I mean, I doubt will remembers. He goes to the market for milk, comes home with a pack of gum.

Emma Pillsbury: You're lying.

Terri Schuester: Ask him. Or better yet, go to the library And look it up for yourself in that year's thunderclap. Sorry.

Rachel Berry: Jesse? Who's there? I carry a rape whistle.

Jesse St. James: Just me. Most spots are 2,500 watts. This one is ten times brighter. We have to wear sunscreen onstage, but it's worth it.

Rachel Berry: I guess everything is bigger and brighter here. I have to ask you something. And I need you to tell me the truth, Because if you don't, there will be consequences— Life-and-death consequences. Because if I give myself to you, and it turns out that you're just playing me, I might die. Okay, okay, not literally, but emotionally. It'll be the kind of heartbreak that girls like me hold For the rest of their lives, like barbra in the way we were.

Jesse St. James: Oh, my god.

Rachel Berry: What?

Jesse St. James: You're more of a drama queen than I am. Hi. I'm Jesse.

Rachel Berry: I know who you are.

Jesse St. James: You know Jesse St. James, The star of Vocal Adrenaline, your competition at regionals. I want to introduce you to Jesse, The guy who's nuts about you, The guy who would never hurt you.

Rachel Berry: No one can know.

Jesse St. James: I understand.

Will Schuester: Hi.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey.

Will Schuester: I get home last night, and It was like some ghost had laid out This beautiful, romantic meal for me. A ghost who wears your perfume.

Emma Pillsbury: I was just in the library. Page 42.

Will Schuester: Okay. Oh, my... My junior prom.

Emma Pillsbury: I wanted to surprise you on Wednesday. Terri came by and, um, Told me about the prom...

Will Schuester: About the song. Emma, I-I have no feelings about this night anymore. I didn't even remember the song.

Emma Pillsbury: No. I know. I know, not consciously. But somewhere inside, You're still not over her. We were naive. I think sometimes we spend So much time with these kids that we start acting like them. You've been in the same relationship Your entire life. You don't know who you are alone. I think this song is just The beginning of you repeating the same patterns.

Will Schuester: Terri and I met when I was 15. I'm a different person now.

Emma Pillsbury: How is you compromising yourself For my crazy any different than you doing it for hers?

Will Schuester: Well... What do you want to do?

Emma Pillsbury: I think that... You need to spend some time alone. I do. I think you need to get to know yourself. You know, you haven't been okay With having your own needs since you were 15.

Will Schuester: You're right. I guess... I'm just not good at being alone... And realizing what my own needs are.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, maybe around the time that you figure out what they are... Maybe I'll be ready to get a little messy. Can you go now? I think I need to close the door and cry.

Rachel Berry: Hey. I ended it with Jesse. You can spread the word. I know you know how to do that.

Finn Hudson: Look, I'm sorry, uh... Look, I know this really sucks for you But I think it's for the best.

Rachel Berry: Taking one for the team. I get it.

Finn Hudson: No, not just for the team. For us. You and me. I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel like I have All these problems, you know, With Quinn and-and basketball and girls and stuff, and I've been so overwhelmed Trying to figure them all out. Then I realized the only thing I needed to fix was us. I want us to be together, Rachel. A real couple. Look, I even circled some dates on your crazy calendar. Is you not being able to talk right now a good thing or a bad thing?

Rachel Berry: I can't.

Finn Hudson: Can't what?

Rachel Berry: I-I can't be a couple with you. It's the team. We-we can't have any, um, drama right now. You know, we need... We need to focus on regionals.And I appreciate your offer, but in the spirit of being a team player, I have to decline.

Finn Hudson: Hey, whoa. I'm not just some guy that you met at the music store That you can just blow off. I don't give up that easy. See you at rehearsal.

Finn Hudson: # you say "yes" #
# I say "no" #

Finn & Rachel: # you say "stop" #
# I say "go, go, go" #
# oh, no #

New Directions: # you say "good-bye" #
# and I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why #
# you say "good-bye," I say "hello" #

Finn Hudson: # you say "yes" #

New Directions: # I say "yes" #

Finn Hudson: # I say "no" #

New Directions: # maybe, no #

Finn & Rachel: # you say "stop" #

New Directions: # I can stay... #

Finn & Rachel: # I say "go" #

New Directions: # "go, go" #

Finn & Rachel: # oh, no #

New Directions: # you say "good-bye" #
# and I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# I don't know why you say "good-bye" #
# I say "hello" #
# hello, hello #
# hello #
# hello... #

Sue Sylvester: "Madonna." Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful. Even in voice-over, how I have worshipped her ever since I was a little girl. Sorry, Angie Jolie, Catherine the Great... Madonna is the most powerful woman to ever walk the face of the Earth.

Sue Sylvester: I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's Greatest Hits over the P.A. System, quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.

Principal Figgins: But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate.

Sue Sylvester: Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with 35 bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupils to do the same. You say the word, and I willhprovide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately.

Principal Figgins: I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!

Sue Sylvester: What you call insanity I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna— the woman most responsible for my take-no-prisoners demeanor, and my subconscious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now, my Cheerio Squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?

Sue Sylvester: Smile.

Sue Sylvester: I have your wife's phone number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?

Sue Sylvester: Santana. What does your bracelet say?

Santana Lopez: "W.W.M.D".

Sue Sylvester: "What would Madonna do"? Well, the answer to that question is usually date a younger man. So, let's see some arm candy, girls. Sorry, freshmen. You're going to have to start trolling the middle schools. And you know why? 'Cause if you want to be as riveting a performer as Madonna— a skill that will nab us Nationals this year— you're going to have to start thinking like her, acting like her. Also... A la Madonna, I will no longer acknowledge that any of you have last names. Becky Jackson. From now on, you're just Becky. You know, it's like Madonna once said, "I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay." I'm pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester. No, really, she stole it from me. I said it first. Palladium. '87.

Rachel Berry: Can I ask you guys something private?

Santana Lopez: Yes, you should move to Israel.

Rachel Berry: It's about dating. Not that I'm dating anyone. We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item, and for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jesse. But let's just say I was dating someone. Let's just say, hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night, and then because my dads weren't home, we went up to my room and started making out. It was erotic and romantic. And then he said...

Jesse St. James: We should do it.

Rachel Berry: "It"?

Jesse St. James: Totally. Haven't you done it before?

Rachel Berry: No. Have you?

Jesse St. James: What do you think? It's no big deal.

Rachel Berry: For a girl, it is.

Rachel Berry: What if then he got really crabby and left, and didn't even take home the Care Bear I won him playing Skee Ball?

Quinn Fabray: Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby.

Rachel Berry: I just want to be ready; I know I'm getting older, and these things are going to happen someday, but how do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying "no"?

Santana Lopez: Just do what I do. Never say "no."

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, totally. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Sorry, Quinn.

Mercedes Jones: Look, girl, don't ask me. The last guy I liked was the mayor of gaytown. And I can't wait to get a guy mad at me for saying "no."

Tina Cohen-Chang: We just have to accept that guys don't care about our feelings. Like, the other day, I was walking with Artie...

Artie Abrams: I've thought a lot about it, and I forgive you for lying about your stutter. However, if you're planning on getting all up on this, I'm going to need you to make some changes. The goth thing was two years ago, so maybe lose the vampire makeup and consider some tighter-fitting clothing. You've got the pow, and I believe you should work it more if we're going to be an item.

Rachel Berry: That's got to sting.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help but overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?

Quinn Fabray: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy.

Will Schuester: Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Ms. Pillsbury.

Rachel Berry: I tried that.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, um, that's a hot-button topic, isn't it? I mean, when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.

Rachel Berry: I have two gay dads.

Emma Pillsbury: Right, right— you, um... How about your rabbi?

Rachel Berry: I really don't feel comfortable talking about this with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren't you a guidance counselor?

Emma Pillsbury: Uh...

Quinn Fabray: The fact is is that women still earn 70 cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school.

Emma Pillsbury: I don't know what to say. I mean, I can't do this job if I don't have the kids' confidence.

Will Schuester: Now, I get that this area of interest is, uh, your blind spot, but I want to help you so that the next time a girl comes in here asking those kinds of questions, you'll be prepared. I'm not saying you need to have sex.

Emma Pillsbury: No! No, no, no. No, that's not what you were offering. Just... Why would you offer that? It wasn't what I was thinking. Wishful thinking is all that was.

Will Schuester: I mean, what this is all really about is teenage girls feeling like they have no power.

Emma Pillsbury: Right, and it makes sense, too. I mean, look at their role models, you know? You've got Britney Spears and her shaved head. Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of Lord of the Rings. Ann Coulter.

Will Schuester: Let's work together to try to find a way to make them feel more confident about themselves.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I like that. Yes, we will change the world one girl at a time. We'll be like a girl-saving team.

Will Schuester: And maybe along the way, we can find a way to help you, too.

Madonna: # Zephyr in the sky #
# At night I wonder #
# Do my tears of mourning #
# Sink beneath the sun? #
# She's got herself a universe gone quickly #
# For the call of thunder #
# Threatens everyone... #
# And I feel like I just got home, and I feel #
# And I feel like I just got home #
# And I feel... #

Sue Sylvester: Sloppy freak show babies! Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping! Hit the showers! Oh, hey, William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.

Will Schuester: Wow, Sue. I'm really impressed.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, Madonna is legend. And I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer: strength, independence... Nobody quite like the Material Girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hairdresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.

Will Schuester: I'll see you later, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard?! I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! That's hard!

Will Schuester: What comes to mind when you see that name?

Rachel Berry: Genius.

Kurt Hummel: Icon.

Noah Puckerman: Hall of Fame MILF.

Will Schuester: So, we're all aware of Madonna's musical and cultural significance, which is why this week, your assignment is to come up with a Madonna number.

Mercedes Jones: Yes!

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes!

Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue? As a dude, Madonna makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, she's smokin' and everything, but can't some of us do something else? Like the guy version of Madonna? Like, you know, Pantera?

Will Schuester: Guys! You know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and I hate to say it, misogynistic.

Finn Hudson: I have no idea what that means.

Brittany S. Pierce: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.

Will Schuester: What it means is, put yourself in their shoes for a change. Culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends her music, because by and large, the subtext of her songs are about being strong, independent and-and confident, no matter what your sex. But more than anything, Madonna's musical message is about equality. And that is something I ink you guys need to work on.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, I don't think we can have an honest conversation about Ms. Ciccone without acknowledging that her images are as indelible as her songs. I would like to honor her contributions by tackling a multi-media project with Mercedes.

Will Schuester: Great. Go for it, Kurt.

Noah Puckerman: I'm still not down. And no chick intimidates Puckzilla. I just don't think her music translates to show choir.

Rachel Berry: Really? Well I, for one, couldn't disagree more.
# Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it, and it goes something like this. #

Girls of ND: # Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know, you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you know your love is real #

Rachel Berry: # You don't need diamond rings #
# Or 18-karat gold #

Quinn Fabray: # Fancy cars that go very fast, you know #
# They never last, no, no #

Mercedes Jones: # What you need is a big, strong hand #
# To lift you to your higher ground #
# Make you feel like a queen on a throne #
# Make him love you till you can't come down #

Girls of ND: # Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know, you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you'll know your love is real #
# And when you're gone, he might regret it #
# Think about the love you once had #
# Try to carry on #
# But he just won't get it #
# Hey... #
# He'll be back on his knees, so please #
# Don't go for second best, baby #
# Put your love to the test #
# You know, you know you've got to #
# Make him express how he feels #
# And maybe then you'll know your love is real #
# Let him know your love is real #
# You've got to make him express himself #
# Hey, hey, hey, hey #

Mercedes Jones: # Put your love to the test #

Girls of ND: # So if you want it right now #
# Make him show you how #

Mercedes Jones: # Make him show how he feels #

Girls of ND: # Express what he's got #
# Oh, baby, ready or not #
# Express yourself. #

Will Schuester: That's what I'm talking about. All right.

Santana Lopez: I look smokin' hot.

Brittany S. Pierce: Guess who I'm dating.

Santana Lopez: Who?

Brittany S. Pierce: Wes Brody. He's super cute. He plays soccer with my sister. He's seven.

Santana Lopez: Oh! Crap. I need a younger, inferior man. If I don't find one, Coach Sylvester will kick me off the Cheerios, for sure.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hello? Finn! His birthday's like three days before yours, and he's super dumb.

Santana Lopez: We already tried with Finn, and he hates us.

Brittany S. Pierce: Trust me, the way to get a man to follow you forever... Take his virginity. Madonna, like, wrote a song about it.

Madonna: # You're not convinced that that is enough... #

Santana Lopez: Hey, Finnocence. You know, I've been thinking, and I think we should go out. Just you and me this time, no third wheel.

Finn Hudson: Will you talk to me this time?

Santana Lopez: I don't really talk during. Look, Finn, It's high time you lost the big V. Everything about you screams virgin. You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you.

Finn Hudson: Well, look, I appreciate the offer, but I have feelings for someone else, and I'm trying to work things out with them. So...

Santana Lopez: Who, Rachel? She's dating that Jesse kid from Vocal Adrenaline.

Finn Hudson: No, she's not.

Santana Lopez: Please, you can smell it on her. She's like a cat in heat. She talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choir room. So come on, let's do the deed. It'll be great for my image, and Sue will promote me to head cheerleader. It's win-win.

Finn Hudson: Wait, what... What do I get out of it?

Santana Lopez: I don't know. You get to have sex and make Rachel jealous. I meant for me, okay? It's win-win for me.

Sue Sylvester: You wanted to see me?

Emma Pillsbury: Sue! Um, yeah, thank you for coming. Please sit down.

Sue Sylvester: No.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Um, I was just wondering why Madonna's playing everywhere except my office.

Sue Sylvester: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your, uh, intercom disconnected.

Rachel Berry: There you go. Finn, I was just coming to find you. Look, I know that the boys were a little uncomfortable about this Madonna assignment, so I figured you and I as co-captains could do a little mash-up of a bunch of her songs just to show everyone how cool it can be.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?

Rachel Berry: No, no. Who-who told you that?

Finn Hudson: Look, I know things have been weird between us, but I never thought you'd lie to me.

Rachel Berry: Look, please just don't tell anyone.

Finn Hudson: Unbelievable.

Rachel Berry: We may not be together the way that Jesse and I are, but we can still be friends. I-I'm asking you as my friend to trust me.

Finn Hudson: Fine... But if this leads to something bad for all of us, don't expect any more friendship from me.

Rachel Berry: Noted. All right, let's rehearse, then.
# Something in the way you love me won't let me be #
# I don't wanna be your prisoner #
# So baby, won't you set me free? #
# Stop playing with my heart #
# Finish what you start #
# When you make my love come down #
# If you want me, let me know #
# Baby, let it show #
# Honey, don't you fool around #

Finn Hudson: # Don't try to resist me #
# Open your heart to me, baby #
# I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #

Finn & Rachel: # Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #

Rachel Berry: # Something in your eyes is making such a fool of me #

Finn Hudson: # You're making me, you're making such a fool of me #

Finn & Rachel: # I see you on the street and you walk on by #

Finn Hudson: # You're on the street, I see you when you're walking by #

Rachel Berry: # When you hold me in your arms #

Finn & Rachel: # You love me till I just can't see #

Finn Hudson: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #

Finn & Rachel: # So you choose to look the other way #
# Well, I've got something to say #
# Open your heart to me, baby #
# I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
# Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #

Finn Hudson: # Open your heart, I'll make you love me #

Finn & Rachel: # I'll hold the lock and you hold the key #
# Open your heart to me, darling #
# I'll give you love if you, you turn the key #
# Open your heart with the key. #

Rachel Berry: Th-That was good.

Finn Hudson: Totally.

Kurt Hummel: I'm going to Kabbalah. Is that too much?

Will Schuester: Hey, guys, how's this week's assignment coming along?

Mercedes Jones: Oh, amazing. You know how Madonna kind of reinvented the video, right?

Will Schuester: Right.

Mercedes Jones: Well, we got Artie and the A/V Club to help out. We're gonna make a Madonna video of our own.

Kurt Hummel: It's going to be "Madge-ical." Madge— you know, Madonna's nickname? Okay, you really got to get up to speed here.

Will Schuester: I got it.

Sue Sylvester: Schuester! I heard a juicy little rumor that your Up With People rejects were doing some Madonna songs. Is that true?

Will Schuester: Yeah, well, to be honest, Sue, I got inspired watching your Cheerios.

Sue Sylvester: Well, I have been waiting years to pay tribute to her, and you are not swooping in at the last minute to snatch her from my talons. Madonna belongs to me, and I will not be copied. It's in my contract. I want you to listen very closely. You can have your Barbras and your Chers and your Christinas... And wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.

Will Schuester: Okay, first of all, my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain, and there's nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working out for you? Oh...

Madonna: # And you should know I suffer the same... #

Will Schuester: Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your Flowbee. Oh, snap!

Madonna: # Love is a bird #
# She needs to fly #
# Let all the hurt inside of you die #
# You're frozen #
# When your heart's not open... #

Sue Sylvester: Who else wants a piece of this, huh?!

Madonna: # Mm... Hmm, hmm #
# Give yourself to me #
# Mm... . Hmm, hmm #

Finn Hudson: Hey, uh, so, that offer of yours uh, to lose... The big V... I'm in.

Madonna: # If I could melt your heart... #

Kurt Hummel: Ms. Sylvester, we'd like a word.

Mercedes Jones: We saw how upset you got today.

Sue Sylvester: I don't know what you're talking about.

Kurt Hummel: We saw your face after Mr. Schuester insulted your hair.

Sue Sylvester: Close the door. Sit down. You know, kids, I grew up with a handi-capable sister. My parents were famous Nazi hunters, so they weren't around a lot. I had to bring her up on my own. I didn't have a lot of time or money to keep up with all the latest looks. But on my sixth birthday, True Blue was released. An album that would later sell over 30 million copies. My sister and I took it upon ourselves to bleach my hair with whatever chemicals we could find around the house. Ammonia, napalm. My hair was so damaged, I've been forced to wear it short ever since. It's been a daily, ongoing pain.

Mercedes Jones: Wait, that would make you, like, 30.

Sue Sylvester: 29. And here's the truth— I mercilessly pick on Will Schuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I'm jealous. There, I said it.

Kurt Hummel: I think we can help. Mercedes is black; I'm gay. We make culture.

Sue Sylvester: Go on.

Kurt Hummel: We're working on an exciting new project and would like to use the Cheerios.

Mercedes Jones: And we can help you find a new look.

Sue Sylvester: Interesting.

Rachel Berry: Sondheim on Music. Jesse, is that you?

Jesse St. James: I'm so glad you came. I picked the Stephen Sondheim biography section for our clandestine meeting place, because only he would be able to express my melancholia. I feel bad about what happened at your house. Do you still have my Care Bear?

Rachel Berry: Yes. Since we're meeting in the shadows, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.

Jesse St. James: Me first. I was out of line the other night. You deserve more than that. You deserve romance— no, you deserve epic romance. I feel badly that I pressured you into... You know, going all the way. I'm willing to wait. You tell me when you're ready. And I'll make sure that I'm fastidiously groomed. What did you want to tell me?

Rachel Berry: I'm ready.

Will Schuester: Hey, that catch was amazing Tuesday.

Emma Pillsbury: Will!

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey, wait up.

Will Schuester: All right. How's it going?

Emma Pillsbury: Good. Um... Okay, I've realized something, something really important. You know when we were talking about Madonna the other day and how her music was being blasted like an intimidating cluster bomb into everybody's office except for mine because, apparently, I lack a shred of sex appeal? Well, it struck me that the Big Mo is always in control of everything. Her life is her own.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Emma Pillsbury: So I need to take control of myself and my body, just like Madonna. Which is why... I'm planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place. Foreplay shall begin at 7:30 sharp. So, what do you think? Not that it matters.

Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.

Emma Pillsbury: Great.

Will Schuester: Great.

Emma Pillsbury: 7:30.

Will Schuester: Cool.

Artie Abrams: "Vogue," take one. Sound speed... And action. And playback.

Sue Sylvester: # Strike a pose. #
# Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache #
# It's everywhere that you go #
# Go, go, go, go #
# You try everything you can to escape #
# The pain of life that you know #
# The life that you know #
# When all else fails and you long to be #
# Something better than you are today #
# I know a place where you can get away #
# It's called a dance floor, and here's what it's for #
# So come on, vogue #
# Let your body move to the music #
# Move to the music #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Come on, vogue #
# Let your body go with the flow #
# Go with the flow #
# You know you can do it #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Not just where you bump and grind it #
# Soul is in the musical #
# That's where I feel so beautiful #
# Magical #
# Life's a ball #
# So get up on the dance floor #
# Come on, vogue #
# Vogue #
# Let your body move to the music #
# Move to the music #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Come on, vogue #
# Vogue #
# Let your body go with the flow #
# Go with the flow #
# You know you can do it #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Move to the music #
# Vogue #
# Vogue #
# Beauty's where you find it #
# Go with the flow #
# Greta Garbo and Monroe #
# Dietrich and DiMaggio #
# Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean #
# On the cover of a magazine #
# Grace Kelly, Harlow, Jean #
# Picture of a beauty queen #
# Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire #
# Sue Sylvester dance on air #
# They had style, they had grace #
# Rita Hayworth gave good face #
# Lauren, Katherine, Lana, too #
# Will Schuester, I hate you #
# Ladies with an attitude #
# Fellas that were in the mood #
# Don't just stand there, let's get to it #
# Strike a pose, there's nothing to it #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Vogue, vogue #
# Ooh... #
# You've got to let your body move to the music #
# Ooh... #
# You've got to just... #
# Vogue... #

Jesse St. James: Are you ready?

Finn Hudson: In a minute.

Rachel Berry: # I made it through the wilderness #
# Somehow I made it through #

Rachel & Jesse: # I didn't know how lost I was #
# Until I found you #

Emma & Will: # I was beat, incomplete #
# I'd been had #
# I was sad and blue #

Rachel & Jesse: # But you made me feel #
# Yeah, you made me feel shiny and new #
# Like a virgin #
# Touched for the very first time #

All: # Like a virgin #
# When your heart beats next to mine #

Rachel Berry: # Gonna give you all my love, boy #
# My fear is fading fast #

Rachel & Jesse: # I'd been saving it all for you #
# 'Cause only love can last #

Emma & Will: # You're so fine #
# And you're mine #
# Make me strong #
# Yeah, you make me bold #

Rachel & Jesse: # Oh, your love thawed out #
# Yeah, your love thawed out #
# What was getting cold #

All: # Like a virgin #

Santana Lopez: # You make me feel like a virgin #

All: # Touched for the very first time #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #

All: # Like a vir-ir-irgin #
# When your heart beats next to mine #
# Like a virgin #
# Oh-oh-oh, like a virgin #
# Yeah, it feels so good inside #

Jesse St. James: # When you hold me #

Emma Pillsbury: # When you hold me #

Jesse St. James: # When your heart beats #

Finn Hudson: # When your heart beats #

Jesse St. James: # When you love me #

Santana Lopez: # When you love me, baby #

Finn & Rachel: # Oh-oh #
# Whoa #

All: # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah #

Rachel & Jesse: # Oh-oh... Yeah #

All: # Oh, like a virgin. #

Jesse St. James: Rachel?

Rachel Berry: I'm ready.

Kurt Hummel: Our project was a triumph.

Mercedes Jones: I know. I wonder which look she's gonna rock.

Kurt Hummel: Doesn't matter. They were all fantastic. Oh, dear.

Mercedes Jones: Miss Sylvester.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, hey, there, Whoopi, Don Knotts.

Mercedes Jones: What happened?

Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll tell you what. All those costumes and the hairstyles, I'm gonna leave constant reinvention to Madonna. Know why? Had a revelation.

Sue Sylvester: Here's a list of the kids I want shipped off to New York with 35 bucks in their pocket. Operation Madonna is now complete.

Principal Figgins: Sue, these are all Glee kids.

Sue Sylvester: Yep.

Principal Figgins: Um... I-I'm sorry, Sue. I'm having trouble concentrating. Your new look is...

Sue Sylvester: Fantastic. Yeah, I agree.

Principal Figgins: Unnecessary. Sue, you're a powerful woman. You don't need to copy anyone else. You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.

Sue Sylvester: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?

Sue Sylvester: See, kids, Sue Sylvester realized she didn't need to reinvent herself. She needs to reinvent everybody else, starting with you two.

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Rachel Berry: Hi.

Finn Hudson: So how'd your date with Jesse go Friday night?

Rachel Berry: It went wonderfully. Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, you know, it-it was great. But when it was over, I just, uh, you know, didn't know why I was so nervous in the first place.

Jesse St. James: Just come out so we can talk... Or sing about it.

Rachel Berry: Look, Jesse, I really like you, but... I can't do it. It wouldn't be right for... The team.

Jesse St. James: What does the team have to do with this?

Rachel Berry: If I give myself to you knowing that my teammates wouldn't approve, it would be like I was sleeping with the enemy. I'd be betraying them. And because I'm truly not ready to do this, I'd be betraying myself.

Finn Hudson: I'm happy for you.

Rachel Berry: And, uh, what about you? I heard that you had a date with Santana on Friday night.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. I-I couldn't go through with it.

Rachel Berry: Why?

Finn Hudson: I guess I'm just waiting for the right person.

Santana Lopez: Do you think they have room service in this place? 'Cause I want a burger.

Finn Hudson: I thought I'd feel different after.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, I've noticed that it takes about 20 or so times before the feeling of accomplishment really kicks in. There's no menu, so you're gonna have to take me to a burger joint. How do you feel?

Finn Hudson: I don't feel anything... 'cause it didn't mean anything.

Will Schuester: Where have you been? I've been calling you all weekend.

Emma Pillsbury: I was kind of embarrassed. I really wanted to go through with it, Will. You were so gracious and gentle and... Handsome, and it felt so good to be close to you in that way. I just, I don't know why I always freak out like that.

Will Schuester: Stop, stop-stop-stop. You don't need to sleep with me to prove anything. You took ownership of your body on Friday when you told yourself you weren't ready... And then ran out of my apartment with no shoes on.

Emma Pillsbury: They're my favorites. Did you bring them?

Will Schuester: I feel bad, Emma. I've been working so hard trying to get the guys to start treating the girls with more respect, and I haven't been walking the walk. I never should have agreed to have you come over that night.

Emma Pillsbury: I did kind of throw myself at you.

Will Schuester: That is the point. We're falling into a pattern here. We need to instate an official no-dating policy until my divorce is final.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, when will that be?

Will Schuester: I filed today. So that's a start. But while we're waiting, I want you to get some help for your problems; we need to take action here. They're not gonna go away unless we do. Now, our health union covers counseling. They'll come to the school, meet you in your office, whatever you need. And... I polished them myself.

Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.

Jesse St. James: Mr. Schuester?

Will Schuester: Yes?

Jesse St. James: I'm Jesse St. James. Can I talk to you about something?

Finn Hudson: What the hell?! It seems like now everybody's doing things just to hurt my feelings.

Jesse St. James: I thought you all would take this news a little better. I'm a star. You can learn from me.

Kurt Hummel: We were already fighting for second leads. And now that you've shown up, I've lost all hope at ever getting a solo.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, that's right. And y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?

Santana Lopez: He's a spy, Mr. Schue. I would know.

Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I saw all the paperwork, I spoke with his parents...

Jesse St. James: They winter in Bali. It's a very expensive phone call.

Will Schuester: Jesse just moved in with his uncle, which is in our school district. It's all above board, guys. He goes to this school now.

Artie Abrams: But this isn't fair.

Will Schuester: Guys! Everyone who's ever auditioned for this group has gotten in. That's how we do things here. Okay, to suddenly change the rules now, that would be unfair. Brittany.

Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue, is he your son?

Rachel Berry: I don't understand why you're doing this.

Jesse St. James: Because when you love something, you got to go for it. You would never be with me completely if I were on the opposing team. And I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline. For you.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, we have got a lot of work to do. Jesse, great to have you here. Welcome aboard. Okay, from the top.

Sue Sylvester: Five, six, seven, eight!

Mercedes Jones: # Hey #
# Unh, come on #
# Kurt Hummel, take it #

Kurt Hummel: # Come on, girl #
# I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll #
# Unh #

Mercedes Jones: # Well, don't waste time, give me the sign #
# Tell me how you want to roll #

Kurt Hummel: # I want somebody to speed it up for me #
# Then take it down slow #
# There's enough room for both #

Mercedes Jones: # Well, I can handle that #
# You just got to show me where it's at #
# Are you ready to go? Are you ready to go-o-o-o? #

Kurt & Mercedes: # If you want it #
# You already got it #
# If you've thought it, it better be what you want #

Kurt Hummel: # Time is waiting #

Mercedes Jones: # We only got four minutes to save the world #

Kurt Hummel: # No hesitating #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
# Grab a boy and grab a girl #

Kurt Hummel: # Time is waiting #

Mercedes Jones: # We only got four minutes to save the world #

Kurt Hummel: # No hesitating #

Kurt & Mercedes: # We only got four minutes, four minutes #

Mercedes Jones: # Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna, unh #

Kurt & Mercedes: # You gotta get 'em all hot #
# Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock #

Mercedes Jones: # That's right, keep it up, keep it up #
# Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna, unh #

Kurt & Mercedes: # You gotta get 'em all hot #
# Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. #

Will Schuester: Sue, what the hell is going on here?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, what's the matter, buddy? Did you miss the show? You probably had to run to the powder room. Let me fill you in. Future center square Kurt Hummel there and his brassy hag Mercedes just tore that Madonna song a new one.

Will Schuester: Wait, you two are Cheerios now?

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, I've decided to add vocals to my already wildly overproduced Cheerios numbers. It'll give us the edge at Nationals.

Will Schuester: You guys could've at least given me the heads-up.

Mercedes Jones: You mean, the same way you gave us a heads-up before not giving us a solo almost every week?

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, Mercedes and I talked it over, and we love being in Glee, but being in the Cheerios will give us more opportunities to shine. So we're doing both.

Sue Sylvester: Ah, chipper up, Tiger. You know, I was down at the pharmacy today, and they're having a monster sale on Dep. Dep is a hair gel. And once again, I am making fun of your incredibly stupid hairdo.

Finn Hudson: Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, 'cause it's okay to be a boy.

Artie Abrams: But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, 'cause you think that being a girl is degrading.

Kurt Hummel: But secretly you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you? What it feels like for a girl.

Finn Hudson: # Silky smooth #
# Lips as sweet as candy #
# Baby #

Noah & Finn: # Strong inside, but you don't know it #
# Good little girls, they never show it #

Artie Abrams: # When you open up your mouth to speak #
# Could you be a little weak? #

All: # Do you know #

Artie Abrams: # Do you know #

All: # What it feels like in this world #

Will Schuester: # For a girl? #

All: # For a girl? #

Will Schuester: # Oh #

All: # For a girl... #
# In this world... #
# Do you know #
# What it feels like in this world? #

Noah Puckerman: I am not down with this. I like being a dude.

Finn Hudson: That's because it's easy to be a dude.

Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue, I think we're gonna need a new baritone, 'cause Finn would like to become Finnessa.

Will Schuester: Wait, h-hold on, Puck. Finn has a point. I mean, haven't you notid how low morale has been around here lately?

Artie Abrams: I have. I think the way I was objectifying Tina may have sent her over the edge.

Artie Abrams: Hey, girl.

Tina Cohen-Chang: My eyes are up here! I am a person with feelings! Get out of my grill! I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality!

Finn Hudson: We've been treating the girls like crap— not caring about their feelings, not listening, objectifying. That's the right word, right, Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: That's right.

Finn Hudson: Objectifying.

Kurt Hummel: As an honorary girl, I have to agree. This team shouldn't work, but it does because we respect each other's talent. And if we want to take it to the next level, we have to start respecting each other as individuals. Really see each other. Why were you singing with us, Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: Because apparently... I need to learn that lesson.

Noah Puckerman: Fine, but I'm not singing this song.

Finn Hudson: We don't have to. We just have to make it right with the girls, show them we get how it feels.

Artie Abrams: I would get down on one knee if I could.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Why would you propose to me? You don't even like me.

Artie Abrams: Stop. That's where you're wrong. I was really rude to you. You're awesome. And you shouldn't change, unless you want to. And if you want to get up on this, just let me know.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Yep. That's more like it.

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Rachel Berry: If you're gonna criticize and mock me again about Jesse, you can can it.

Finn Hudson: I wanted to apologize. The only reason you were even open to dating Jesse was because I was such an ass. Mr. Tough Guy and all that. I really liked you. And I could have had you, but I blew it.

Rachel Berry: You really liked me?

Jesse St. James: Okay, Finn. I know we have a big showdown coming, so let's just decide on the arena. Sing-off, the parking lot, 5:00— be there.

Rachel Berry: No.

Finn Hudson: Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself. I'll do my best to stay away from your girl.

Jesse St. James: I appreciate that. She's a keeper.

Finn Hudson: Walk with me to the auditorium. I put together a new Madonna number; I'll talk you through it on the way.

Jesse St. James: Sweet.

Rachel Berry: # Life is a mystery #
# Everyone must stand alone, #
# I hear you call my name #
# And it feels like home... #

New Directions: # When you call my name, it's like a little prayer. #
# I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there. #
# In the midnight hour, I can feel your power, #
# Just like a prayer, you know I'll take you there. #

Finn Hudson: # I hear your voice #
# It's like an angel sighing. #

Kurt Hummel: # I have no choice, I hear your voice #
# Feels like flying. #

Mercedes Jones: # I close my eyes, #
# Oh God I think I'm falling #
# Out of the sky, I close my eyes, #
# Let the choir sing, #
# Oohhhhh #

New Directions: # When you call my name #
# It's like a little prayer #
# I'm down on my knees #
# I wanna take you there #
# In the midnight hour #
# I can feel your power, #
# Just like a prayer #
# You know I'll take you there. #
# Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there #
# Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery #
# Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there #
# Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery #
# Just like a dream, you are not what you seem #
# Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what's hapn Finn got Kurt to try out for the football team, which was super cool, but sometimes it seems like maybe Kurt's sort of got a crush on him.

Kurt Hummel: It's enough to want to give up women all together.

Ian Brennan: Will's old crush, April, joined the Glee Club, but she was drunk all the time, so Will kicked her out. Also, Sue convinced Kurt and Mercedes that they should join the Cheerios!, which Will was none too happy about. And that's what you missed on... Glee!

Sue Sylvester: Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma. Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do. At first, I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly, but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment.

Mercedes Jones: Ms. Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios! Skirts. They don't fit me right.

Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body.

Mercedes Jones: Embarrassed? No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.

Sue Sylvester: How do you two not have a show on Bravo? Here's the skinny: Splitts! magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me #Cheerleading Coach of the Last Two Thousand Years.# In seven days, reporter Tracey Pendergrass will arrive on campus, and my new star singer will have lost ten pounds, and be in a gende r-appropriate cheerleading uniform, or she is off the team.

Kurt Hummel: Ten pounds? Are you serious?

Sue Sylvester: You could stand to lose a few, too, kiddo. You got hips like a pear. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State, notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am.

Will Schuester: Sue! We need to talk. The auditorium is padlocked!

Sue Sylvester: Well, that's curious. Did you check the sign-up sheet?

Will Schuester: What sign-up sheet?

Sue Sylvester: Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William. Let's see. Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid. Got a big magazine feature coming up. It's a little chilly for my girls to be practicing outdoors.

Will Schuester: Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.

Will Schuester: Um, all right, I have one final announcement before we all leave. We can't use the auditorium for the next week.

Finn Hudson: But that's garbage. How are we supposed to practice for Regionals without the auditorium?

Will Schuester: The Cheerios need it to practice in. There's nothing I can do.

Rachel Berry: I recommend a sit-in.

Noah Puckerman: I recommend we torch the place.

Will Schuester: No. Look, we've all faced adversity before, and we've come out stronger on the other end. I'm going to check out a few of f-site locations for us to use, just for the week. I promise I'll find us a new home.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, Finn, I wanted your opinion on this. It's a swatch board. I'm redecorating my bedroom. Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air. I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part.

Finn Hudson: I live in a closet. There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.

Kurt Hummel: Oh...

Finn Hudson: But I guess that one's nice.

Kurt Hummel: Toile? I always pegged you as a chinoiserie type.

Kurt Hummel: Mercedes...

Mercedes Jones: This is healthy! Chicken breast and a salad, dressing on the side.

Kurt Hummel: You have a week to lose ten pounds. That's like having to lose one of my butt cheeks. Look at what I'm eating— peeled celery. And for breakfast, I had Splenda. Look, Mercedes, now that we're cheerleaders, we're finally part of the in crowd. We have a place at the table. We don't have to beg undneath for scraps of attention. Don't screw it up.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.

Mercedes Jones: Hey, guys. Can I ask you something? How do you manage to stay so skinny?

Santana Lopez: The Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse.

Sue Sylvester: Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid, cayenne pepper to irritate the bowels, and a dash of ipecac, a vomiting agent. I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.

Brittany S. Pierce: Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.

Mercedes Jones: That can't be healthy.

Santana Lopez: Who cares? You can either feel terrible and look great, or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here.

Carole Hudson: Why are you so upset? It's not your bed.

Finn Hudson: Don't you have any feelings about it? It's your and dad's honeymoon set. I was conceived in that bed.

Carole Hudson: You were conceived on a pinball machine.

Man: Well... I think that's everything. You mentioned something about the recliner?

Carole Hudson: Oh, yeah. It doesn't look like much, but the parts all work.

Man: Ooh, my wife would love this. Sciatica.

Finn Hudson: Mom, no! It's not for sale. This is Dad's chair. This is the only picture of the two of us. It's the only picture there will ever be of the two of us, and he's sitting in this chair.

Carole Hudson: It's a chair, honey. It's not him.

Finn Hudson: What's going on with you? You're selling all our old stuff, you got new clothes, a new haircut...

Carole Hudson: I'm seeing someone, Finn.

Finn Hudson: Um...

Carole Hudson: I think I'm in love.

Finn Hudson: Who is it? Uh, do I know him?

Carole Hudson: It's your friend Kurt's father— Burt Hummel.

Will Schuester: Hey. I'd like to talk to someone about renting out this space.

April Rhodes: Okay, fellas, grab a gal, or... Grab another fella if that's the way the Good Lord made ya! 'Cause it's a couples skate!

Will Schuester: No way.

April Rhodes: Well, as I live and breathe! Will Schuester?! I just had a sex dream about you! Aw, isn't he smokin'?

Will Schuester: April. April, please stop speaking into the mic.

April Rhodes: Wait... I smell something.

Will Schuester: What?

April Rhodes: I smell a duet coming on! Fire! Springsteen! Hit it!

Will Schuester: April, what is going on here? You own this place?

April Rhodes: # I'm ridin' in your car #
# You turn on the radio #
# You're pullin' me close #
# I just say no #
# I say I don't like it #
# But you know I'm a liar #

April & Will: # 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh... Fire #

Will Schuester: # Late at night #
# Ooh #

April & Will: # You're takin' me home #
# You say you wanna stay #

April Rhodes: # I wanna stay #

Will Schuester: # I say #

April & Will: # I wanna be alone #
# I say I don't love you #
# But you know I'm a liar #
# 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh, fire #
# Romeo and Juliet #
# Samson and Delilah #

Will Schuester: # Oh, baby, you can bet #
# A love they couldn't deny #

April Rhodes: # My words, they say split #

Will Schuester: # Yeah #

April Rhodes: # But my words may lie #

Will Schuester: # May lie #

April & Will: # 'Cause when we kiss #
# Ooh, fire. #

Will Schuester: April, what happened? I mean, last time I saw you, you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.

April Rhodes: I know. It's crazy, right? I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life, I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down. Then I hung out at that bar for a few months or so. One day, an old codger, about 75, 80, came in, and asked to buy me a drink. Get this. Buddy Leibowitz.

Will Schuester: Of Leibowitz Strip Malls?

April Rhodes: I'm his new mistress.

Will Schuester: April, I really thought you were serious about getting sober.

April Rhodes: No. Don't look so disappointed, Will. I mean, who are we kidding really? I'm nothing but a washed-up dreamer. It's all I'll ever be. Besides, I've finally realized my lifelong ambition of being a mistress to an incredibly wealthy strip mall tycoon and the owner-operator of a cabaret roller rink.

Will Schuester: Um, listen, about that— well, the Glee Club kind of needs some rehearsal space. Sue's commandeered the auditorium.

April Rhodes: Are you kidding? Bring 'em here.

Will Schuester: Really?

April Rhodes: Yeah.

Will Schuester: Oh, that would be amazing! And I promise, it's only temporary. Oh, you're the best. Listen, uh, I got to run. I've got an appointment to show my apartment.

April Rhodes: What's this, now?

Will Schuester: Yeah, so I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live. Uh... Because I'm... I'm getting a divorce.

April Rhodes: Divorce?! So you're free to date? And by date, I mean sleep with people. And by sleep with, I mean have sex with people. People like me. Kidding. Not really. But listen to this. You're looking for a subletter. I'm looking for a place to stay. One catch. I'm full-time fancy now, Will. I'm gonna want to check the place out. I'm gonna wanna check the #fungshwung, # or the #fing-fong, # or whatever they call it. Tell you what. I'm gonna go get myself a bikini wax, and I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

Becky Jackson: I lost two pounds, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully. Instead of being different and an outcast, you're just like every other teenage girl in America— sadly obsessed with vanity. Hey, before you know it, you'll be leaving little baggies of upchuck in your parents' linen closet. Congrats. I'm proud of you, kid.

Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: You betcha. Next! Hey, you're still in your track uniform.

Mercedes Jones: Yup, and I'm ready for my midweek weigh-in. I've been eating very well, and walking everywhere, and...

Sue Sylvester: Okay, well, climb aboard. Let's see how many libbies you lost. Well, look at that, Mercedes. You've gained two pounds.

Mercedes Jones: What?! That's impossible!

Sue Sylvester: Look, I'm gonna break it down for you. You have four days to lose the weight, get yourself in a uniform, or you're out.

Mercedes Jones: What am I gonna do?

Sue Sylvester: Well, you might try dropping the attitude. I'm sure there's a pound or two in that. You know, with the Cheerios!, we have only one lesson, and it's very simple lesson: You do whatever it takes. Next.

Finn Hudson: Kurt, hey! What-What the hell's going on with our parents? How did this happen? When did they even meet each other?

Kurt Hummel: Parent-Teacher conference night, about a month ago.

Kurt Hummel: I always accompany my father to those conferences, to act as translator.

Burt Hummel: How do you know this is not organic?

Kurt Hummel: Because you can see the logo. It's encrusted in the cookie. Fate brought them together. Dad, meet Carole Hudson. Ms. Hudson, my father— Burt Hummel. You both have dead spouses, maybe you should talk.

Burt Hummel: You know, I was just saying to a friend that acid wash should make a comeback.

Carole Hudson: Mmm. Really. And who said it ever left?

Kurt Hummel: It was an instant connection.

Finn Hudson: That's impossible.

Kurt Hummel: When will you learn that nothing is impossible when it comes to love? Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes, new makeup, a haircut that doesn't look like it was styled by the Amish? Who do you think Pretty Woman'ed her up? Has she started selling the furniture yet?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, she just got rid of her old bedroom set. And she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her. How did you even know that?

Kurt Hummel: People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom. They know what they want. I guess you and I will be roommates with Mom and Dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms.

Finn Hudson: No way.

Kurt Hummel: Give in to the inevitable, Finn. I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together. That's why I asked you about the swatches. And don't sweat that old chair. I have a lovely chaise picked out.

Finn Hudson: Look-Look, screw yo u-your swatches and you-your chez.

Kurt Hummel: Chaise.

Finn Hudson: Whatever, okay. Look, I-I like my house. I'm not moving, and she's not selling that... That damn chair.

Tina Cohen-Chang: A roller rink?!

Santana Lopez: Weren't those outlawed in, like, 1981, for being totally lame?

Will Schuester: Oh, come on, guys, where's your sense of adventure? The space is great and April is giving it to us to practice in for free.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may? New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction. Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z. And Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair. What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how, if we find that place within, we will get that happy ending. Brad, B flat.
# A chair is still a chair #
# Even when there's no one sitting there #
# But a chair #
# Is not a house #
# And a house is not a home #
# When there's no one there #
# To hold you tight #
# And no one there #
# You... can... #
# Kiss... Good... night #
# A room is still a room #
# Even when there's nothing there but gloom #
# But a room is not a house #
# And a house is not a home #
# When the two of us #
# Are far apart #
# And one of us has a broken heart #

Finn Hudson: # Now and then I call your name #
# And suddenly your face appears #
# But it's just a crazy game #
# And when it ends #
# It ends in tears #

Kurt Hummel: # So, darling, have a heart #
# Don't let one mistake keep us apart #
# Well, I'm not meant to live alone #
# Turn this house into a home #
# When I climb the stair and turn the key #
# Oh, please be there #
# Still in love... #
# With me. #

April Rhodes: Hiya, hot stuff.

Will Schuester: Hey, April. Um... come in. What's with the... What's with the duffel bag?

April Rhodes: Can't have an overnighter without an overnight bag.

Will Schuester: Overnight?

April Rhodes: Baby, I'm an artist— I don't go by brains, I go by feel. I need to settle in to the energy of the place, get to know the ghosts.

Will Schuester: Won't Buddy miss you?

April Rhodes: Oh, he's out of town. Something about buying a new kidney or lung.

Will Schuester: Look, April, I'm really not comfortable with any of this.

April Rhodes: I'm not looking for a hookup, Will. I just sleep better with someone inside the house. I guess I've been just feeling a little lonely, you know?

Will Schuester: Yeah. I know.

April Rhodes: Just one night? Oh, look, do you want to sublet this place quick or not?

Will Schuester: Okay, fine, but you get the couch. And no funny business. Um... Bathroom is right around the corner.

April Rhodes: Sometimes you just need a little Burt.

Will Schuester: Take whatever you want from the refrigerator. April. The liquor cabinet is off-limits.

April Rhodes: Oh, no worries— brought my own.

Will Schuester: Good night, April.

April Rhodes: G'night, Will.
# One less bell to answer #
# One less egg to fry #
# One less man #
# To pick up after #
# I should be happy #
# But all I do is cry #

Will Schuester: # Cry, cry #
# No more laughter #

April Rhodes: # Oh, I should be happy #

Will Schuester: # Oh, why did she go... ? #

April Rhodes: # I only know that since he left #
# My life's so empty #

Will Schuester: # Oh #

April Rhodes: # Though I try to forget #
# It just can't be done #
# Each time the doorbell rings, I still run #

April & Will: # I don't know how in the world #

April Rhodes: # To stop thinking of him #

Will Schuester: # I should be happy #

April Rhodes: # 'Cause I still love him so #
# I end each day the way I start out #

Will Schuester: # I start and end #

April Rhodes: # Crying my heart out #

Will Schuester: # Each day crying #
# One less bell to answer #

April Rhodes: # One less egg to fry #
# One less man #

Will Schuester: # One less man #

April Rhodes: # To pick up after #
# No more laughter #

Will Schuester: # No more #

April & Will: # No more love... #

April Rhodes: # Since he went away #

Will Schuester: # Since she #
# Went away #

April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... #
# A chair is still a chair #
# Even when there's no one sitting there #
# Well, I'm not meant to live alone #
# Turn this house into a home #
# When I climb the stair and turn the key #
# Oh, please be there #
# Still in love #
# With me... #

Will Schuester: # One less bell to answer #

April Rhodes: # Each time the doorbell rings #
# I still run... #

Will Schuester: # One less egg to fry #

April Rhodes: # I've got one less man #

Will Schuester: # One less man... #

April Rhodes: # To pick up after #

Will Schuester: # No more #

April Rhodes: # No more laughter #

April & Will: # No more love #

April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #

Will Schuester: # Since she #
# Went away #

April Rhodes: # Since he #
# Went away #

April & Will: # All I do #
# Is #
# Cry. #

April Rhodes: Good night, Will.

Will Schuester: Good night, April.

Kurt Hummel: A toast. Tonight is a momentous occasion. It marks the first rea communion between the Hummel and the Hudson clans. I imagine that when the Bouviers and the Kennedys first broke bread, there was a similar sense of joy and urgency. So let me raise my Shirley Temple to our new little family.

Finn Hudson: We're not a family.

Carole Hudson: Finn...

Burt Hummel: It's cool. You're right. Your mom and I just enjoy each other's company right now. Let's just enjoy dinner. I mean, I'm buying, right? What you, playing basketball now?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, but I actually kind of like football better.

Carole Hudson: I didn't know that.

Finn Hudson: Sounds crazy, but I miss getting hit.

Kurt Hummel: Pure boyish insanity.

Burt Hummel: No, it isn't. I totally get that. I used to love the feeling of getting my clock cleaned and then popping right up. Kind of reminded me of being alive.

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: Why hasn't anyone commented on the new jeans I got Carole?

Carole Hudson: Oh, come on.

Kurt Hummel: Notice that the waistband falls well below the belly button. A welcome change.

Burt Hummel: Sure, Kurt. Hey, you know, I sell tires to one of the assistant coaches from the Browns. I can probably get you tickets, if you want to go.

Finn Hudson: That'd be awesome. I've never been to an NFL game live before.

Burt Hummel: Well, no problem.

Finn Hudson: Wow. You know, for a place called Breadstix, these really suck.

Burt Hummel: It's really just stale bread.

Carole Hudson: Yeah...

Burt Hummel: Hey. You finally choose one?

Kurt Hummel: No. They're all wrong.

Burt Hummel: Well, they all look like gray to me.

Kurt Hummel: Well, maybe if they were different colored sports uniforms, you'd work harder to try and tell them apart.

Burt Hummel: I knew it. I knew when I started in on the football with Finn, you'd take it personal.

Kurt Hummel: How could I not, Dad? When was the last time you were that engaged in a conversation with me?

Burt Hummel: I'm sorry. I don't know what you want here.

Kurt Hummel: What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son that you've obviously always wanted.

Burt Hummel: Oh, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance three years in a row? Look, Kurt, I love you, and I am sympathetic to all of your stuff, but come on, buddy, we got a deal here. Right? I don't try to change you, you don't try to change me. You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn't gonna change that.

Kurt Hummel: Guy talk? I'm a guy.

Burt Hummel: Well, come on, you know what I mean.

Kurt Hummel: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is too soon for you to start getting serious with someone.

Burt Hummel: Your mom's been dead eight years, you know that. Why'd you fix me up with Carole, huh? Wasn't it to make me happy? 'Cause that's what you told me.

Kurt Hummel: Can you go now? I'm a half an hour behind on my moisturizing routine, and I need to get up early.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you want half of my peppermint patty?

Mercedes Jones: No. I don't put junk in my body.

Artie Abrams: Why are you doing this? We like you no matter how you look.

Tina Cohen-Chang: And those shake diets are really unhealthy.

Artie Abrams: They also don't really work. As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost.

Mercedes Jones: You know what? I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a Cheerio! To look fantastic. To finally fit in at this school.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We're just trying to look out for you.

Artie Abrams: We just want you to be healthy.

Mercedes Jones: Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do. And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you!

Artie Abrams: Hold up. Did she just say she wanted to eat us?

Rachel Berry: The point is that Fanny Brice is the most iconic work.

Mercedes Jones: Aw, damn.

Doctor: Your blood pressure's low. Maybe that's why you fainted. Your mom will be here soon. I'll go and get you some ginger ale.

Mercedes Jones: Thanks. I'm not hungry.

Quinn Fabray: Yes, you are. You're starving. I know. I've been there. Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted?

Mercedes Jones: Yeah. How'd you know?

Quinn Fabray: Been there. Eat the granola bar.

Mercedes Jones: Why are you being so nice to me? I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't #you# and #suck.# 'Cause I was you— scared.

Quinn Fabray: Hating myself for eating a cookie. But I got over it.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, of course you did, Miss Pretty Blonde with the white girl ass.

Quinn Fabray: When you start eating for somebody else, so that they can grow and be healthy, your relationship to food changes. What I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself? You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Ms. Sylvester take that away from you.

Mercedes Jones: I'm so embarrassed. This isn't me. How did I become this person?

Quinn Fabray: You are beautiful. You know that. I'm gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay?

Will Schuester: I don't think this is gonna work out.

Emma Pillsbury: So, I'm thinking about closing up early. Want to order a pizza, maybe snuggle up, pop in a movie?

Will Schuester: I don't think we should make a habit of spending the night together.

Emma Pillsbury: All we did was sleep.

Will Schuester: No. All you did was sleep. I was up all night with you kicking me.

Emma Pillsbury: Sorry. Them's the night terrors.

Will Schuester: Look, I'm in the middle of a divorce, and you... Are you really where you want to be? I mean, being somebody's mistress? Don't you think you deserve a little bit more than that? You can be the life of the party every night and drink till you can't see straight, but you're always going to feel empty inside until you really find a home. But, listen, if you need a place to stay tonight...

Emma Pillsbury: No. No. You're right. You're right. I am worth more than that. Tonight, I'm gonna go over to Buddy's, and I'm gonna tell him we're through. If he still had the powers of speech, I'm sure he'd be thankful. You know, RinkyDinks loses $8, 000 a night. Turns out, roller rinks— not so profitable. You always give me the right advice, Mr. Schuester. See you around.

Kurt Hummel: Finn, we need to talk. We have to break up our parents immediately. I screwed up. I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest.

Finn Hudson: It hurt you, didn't it? When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff. I could tell that you were...

Kurt Hummel: Left out? Invisible? Yeah.

Finn Hudson: I don't like that my mom's forgetting about my dad. It's up to me to keep his memory alive, and I don't want to move in with you. No offense.

Kurt Hummel: None taken. So we put an end to them. Agreed?

Finn Hudson: Agreed.

Carole Hudson: What are you doing?

Finn Hudson: I'm going to flush Dad's ashes down the toilet.

Carole Hudson: Have you lost your mind?!

Finn Hudson: What? I'm just doing the same thing you're doing to him. What's the point of keeping his remains around if you're just gonna dump them out like an old ashtray?

Carole Hudson: Fine.

Finn Hudson: What are you doing?

Carole Hudson: What you want. What we've been doing for the last 15 years— pretending. Come on, Finn, let's sit and watch TV as a family. Look! There's a basketball game on. Your dad would've liked to watch that. What do you think, Christopher?

Finn Hudson: Mom, you're being crazy.

Carole Hudson: And you're being selfish. I like Burt. I-I... I haven't felt this way about a guy since your dad died. At least not one who felt it back.

Finn Hudson: This family works. I don't want it to get screwed up!

Carole Hudson: This family manages. We get by. You just don't know any differently because you think what we have is normal. I do this with him every night. I take the urn to bed with me, and I talk to him about my day. 16 years, I've been asking him for advice and... and waiting to hear his laugh, and for him to tell me that he loves me. And he never does. And he never will.

Finn Hudson: I won't do it. I'm not moving. I'm not ready. And he wouldn't want you to do this if I wasn't ready.

Carole Hudson: You didn't know him, Finn. Sweetheart, love you so much. We don't need any more memories or ghosts. We need a family. A home.

Sue Sylvester: Well, with a name like Tracey, I assumed you were a lady.

Tracey Pendergrass: Quite a turnout for a pep rally.

Sue Sylvester: On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, leaving the gymnasium the only place with breathable air. Oh, come on. Thas clever. You might want to start writing down my little bon mots. I'm gonna be dropping some beauties on you.

Tracey Pendergrass: You know, this is just a freelance job. I was short-listed for the Pulitzer last year for my Newsweek piece on high school athletes going pro.

Sue Sylvester: So my cover story isn't a fluff piece?

Tracey Pendergrass: Nope. Hard-hitting investigation.

Sue Sylvester: Feast your ears on this smokin' intro. In a few seconds. It's so important to build the tension.

Kurt Hummel: What is she doing?

Mercedes Jones: Hey, guys. I'm Mercedes Jones. So most of you know Cheerios is about perfection and winning, looking hot and being popular.

Sue Sylvester: Still building the tension.

Mercedes Jones: Well, I think that it should be about something different. How many of you at this school feel fat? How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much? Or you're ugly, or you have too many pimples and not enough friends? Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another. Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today. And that just ain't right. And we've got something to say about it. And if you like what we have to say, come down here and sing it with us.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah #
# Yeah #
# Every day is so wonderful #
# And suddenly #
# It's hard to breathe #
# Now and then I get insecure #
# From all the pain #
# I'm so ashamed #
# I am beautiful #
# No matter what they say #
# Words can't bring me down #
# I am beautiful in every single way #
# Yes, words can't bring me down #
# Oh, no #
# So don't you bring me down today #

Cheerios: # No matter what we do #

Mercedes Jones: # No matter what we do #

Cheerios: # No matter what we say #
# We're the song that's outta tune #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #

Cheerios: # Full of beautiful mistakes #
# And everywhere we go #

Mercedes Jones: # And everywhere we go #
# The sun will always, always #
# Shine #
# 'Cause we are beautiful #
# No matter what they say #
# Yes, words won't bring us down #
# Oh, no #

Cheerios: # Ah... #

Mercedes Jones: # We are beautiful #
# In every single way #
# Yes, words can't bring us down #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# So don't you bring me down today #

Cheerios: # Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh #
# Don't you bring me down today #
# Hey... #
# Yeah #
# Oh #
# Ooh... #
# Don't you bring me down #
# Today. #

Tracey Pendergrass: We can finish this interview in your office tomorrow.

Kurt Hummel: Thank you. I was wrong.

Sue Sylvester: Mr. Pendergrass, let me explain.

Tracey Pendergrass: Just have a seat.

Sue Sylvester: Oh. Not used to taking orders in my own office.

Tracey Pendergrass: Sue, when I met you, I instantly disliked you. You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me Rerun makes me think you're a little racist. I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat. I could not have been more wrong.

Sue Sylvester: Beg pardon?

Tracey Pendergrass: You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion, telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are. You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading. Bravo.

Sue Sylvester: Well, thank you, uh, Mr. Pendergrass. I... I can't say I'm surprised. Um, you know, I work so hard to get my girls feeling good about themselves, becae it's what's inside that counts.

Tracey Pendergrass: It's an honor, Coach. When this hits the stands, it could mean big things for you.

Finn Hudson: What are you doing here? Did you already move in?

Burt Hummel: No, your mom invited me. She thought you and I could have a man-to-man.

Finn Hudson: Good, you know, 'cause I got a lot to say about this.

Burt Hummel: Well, I don't, so let me go first. You're pissed, I get it. Your dad is a hero, not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm, but he's a hero to you. No way I can fill his shoes. It's just, you know... I love your mom. She's like this angel that, you know, came down to wake me up after all these years, and I swear to you I will never hurt her, I will always take care of her. And I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me. All right, I've said my piece. What do you want to say?

Finn Hudson: Just... want to know if you want to watch a game.

Burt Hummel: Sure.

Finn Hudson: Hold up. You can sit here if you want.

Burt Hummel: You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.

Finn Hudson: Tell me about it.

Burt Hummel: This team, every year, they recruit these guys and, uh...

Will Schuester: I-I don't know what to say.

April Rhodes: Just say congratulations. I took your advice. I went home, I told Buddy that if he wantedo keep me around, he had to ditch the old lady and give yours truly the top job. And then he died. One of his eyes went all funny and he had a stroke right in front of me.

Will Schuester: Geez, April, are you okay?

April Rhodes: Okay? I'm rich. The ol' battle axe was afraid I'd go to The Lima Times, so she shut me up to the tune of $2 million. So I'm sobering up, and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven't had a drink in 45 minutes. I'm going to take my hush money and I'm going to mount the first-ever al l-white production of The Wiz.

Will Schuester: Okay.

April Rhodes: And I've got you to thank.

Rachel Berry: Did you tell him yet?

Will Schuester: Tell me what?

April Rhodes: That I bought y'all the auditorium.

Will Schuester: What?!

April Rhodes: I wrote ol' Figgins a check this morning. It's now called the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion.

Will Schuester: I... I don't know what to say.

Rachel Berry: We've got that covered.

April Rhodes: # When I think of home #
# I think of a place #
# Where there's love overflowing #
# I wish I was home #
# I wish I was back there #
# With the things I been knowing #
# Wind that makes the tall grass bend into leaning #
# Suddenly the raindrops that fall have a meaning #
# Sprinklin' the scene #
# Makes it all clean #
# Maybe there's a chance for me to go back #
# Now that I have some direction #
# It sure would be nice to be back home #
# Where there's love and affection #
# Then just maybe I can convince time to slow up #
# Givin' me enough time in my life to grow up #
# Time be my friend #
# Let me start again #
# Living here in this brand new realm #
# Might be a fantasy Ooohh #
# But it taught me to love, #
# So it's real, real, real to me #
# And I've learned we must look, look #
# Inside our hearts to find #
# Yeah a world full of love #
# Like yours, like mine #
# Like home #
# Home #

Ian Brennan: So here's whad on Glee: Jesse left Vocal Adrenaline...

Jesse St. James: I'm a star. You can learn from me.

Ian Brennan: So he could date Rachel, so now he's part of the glee club.

Will Schuester: Great to have you here.

Ian Brennan: And they're the new power couple. Previous power couples: Rachel and Finn...

Rachel Berry: I made us his and her relationship calendars.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Ian Brennan: ... also, Rachel and Puck.

Noah Puckerman: Want to make out?

Rachel Berry: Sure.

Ian Brennan: Will still has a crush on Emma...

Will Schuester: I could just lean over and kiss you if I want to. And I want to.

Ian Brennan: But he hasn't divorced Terri yet, and he made out with the coach of Vocal Adrenaline.

Shelby Corcoran: Most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay.

Ian Brennan: And Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Sloppy freak show babies!

Ian Brennan: Still just kind of angry about everything.

Sue Sylvester: Who wants a piece of it? Huh?

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Finn Hudson: What's so funny?

Rachel Berry: You guys aren't watching the video of me falling off stage at my first TinyTots beauty pageant, are you?

Kurt Hummel: That was Carrot Top funny compared to this comedic tour de force.

Jesse St. James: That's Olivia Newton-John's "Physical." It was pretty groundbreaking subject matter at the time, considering it's depiction of fluid sexuality.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, my good...

Finn Hudson: Wait, wait. That's not Olivia Newton-John. That's, that's Sue Sylvester. Where did you get this?

Kurt Hummel: I can tell you that I certainly did not steal it from her locked file cabinet yesterday when she sent me back to her office to get her hormone replacement injection during Cheerios practice.

Artie Abrams: Wait, did she just do the Cabbage Patch?

Finn Hudson: I'm posting this on YouTube.

Rachel Berry: No, no, wait, wait. Do you think that's a good idea? She might kill us.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through.

Jesse St. James: I'm with Finn. You guys need to stop being such asses and start being bad-asses.

Finn Hudson: Ten bucks it goes viral by lunch.

Dave Karofsky: Hey, Ms. Sylvester. Let's get physical.

Sue Sylvester: Not really my type, but I like that attitude.

Azimio Adams: Hey, Sue! Let's get animal!

Sue Sylvester: That glee club stole my private property and posted it online. And as soon as I figure out the difference between slander and libel, I'm filing a lawsuit.

Will Schuester: Sue, don't you think you might be overstating this a little?

Sue Sylvester: Will, I may buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby's ass. That video has received over 170, 000 comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few.

Principal Figgins: "The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester."

Sue Sylvester: That was particularly hurtful.

Will Schuester: You know, Sue, there are a lot of people at this school who dislike you. My kids don't do stuff like this.

Sue Sylvester: Is that so? Exhibit B.

Will Schuester: What's a "Glist"?

Sue Sylvester: It's the "Glee List" William. It's a weekly ranking of your glee club, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently, you get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.

Will Schuester: What makes you think my kids did this?

Principal Figgins: This Glist was made on a library computer using the pass code "gleeclub."

Sue Sylvester: Your glee club is a petri dish of sexual depravity.

Principal Figgins: Sue's right, Will. Why, only last year, a list was posted ranking Mckinley's ten ugliest Gingers. And the perpetrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a member of the faculty!

Sue Sylvester: I stand by that list.

Principal Figgins: William, this is serious. I cannot have an environment that sexualizes children and damages their self-esteem!

Sue Sylvester: You know, a week ago, had I fod a list that so degraded the glee club, I would've been embarrassed I was beaten to the punch. But now I know the white-hot shame of public rebuke— that pain is indescribable.

Principal Figgins: William, last year, at West Dayton High, a photo circulated of school superintendent...

Sue Sylvester: And what was he wearing?

Principal Figgins: Women's lingerie.

Sue Sylvester: And what was he riding?

Principal Figgins: Pony!

Sue Sylvester: And who was expelled?

Principal Figgins: The entire school!

Sue Sylvester: The entire school was expelled, will!

Will Schuester: What does that have to do with me?

Principal Figgins: You must find out who made the Glist and suspend them before they post another one, or I'm holding the entire glee club responsible!

Will Schuester: Are you serious?

Principal Figgins: Deadly serious! I cannot have these shenanigans at this school!

Sue Sylvester: He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!

Will Schuester: Who did it? This is serious. Principal Figgins is threatening to disband the club.

Santana Lopez: Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck.

Noah Puckerman: Back off. I didn't do squat.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Then why is your girlfriend first on the Glist?

Rachel Berry: And why am I last? Aside from the fact that I refused to put out for you.

Will Schuester: Okay, enough! No one is accusing anyone of anything. Puck, seriously, did you do it?

Noah Puckerman: I said no. I'm a delinquent, sure. I like setting Stuff on fire and ating up people I don't know. I own at. But I'm not a liar.

Will Schuester: All right, here's the important point. Between this and posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube, you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation.

Artie Abrams: Why is that a bad thing? Maybe if we seem more dangerous, people would stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.

Will Schuester: Look, things are hard right now. I get it. You're under a lot of pressure with regionals coming up. And I know that winning sectionals hasn't had the positive effect on your popularity that a lot of you thought it would. But becoming what you despise is not the answer.

Mercedes Jones: Man, this song is wack.

Will Schuester: No, it's not. It's a terrific song on a long list of top hits that, because of time or some bad press, has become a joke. And, like you guys, it's time to start rehabilitating its bad reputation. The assignment for the week is for all of you to find songs like this, mine them for what works and make them great again. And then, hopefully, can apply this musical lesson to your own lives.

Jesse St. James: This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking.

Will Schuester: You want to bet?

Artie Abrams: Oh, no, he didn't.

Will Schuester: Hit it.
# Yo, V.I.P. #
# Let's kick it #

New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #

Will Schuester: # All right, stop, collaborate and listen #
# Ice is back with a brand-new invention #
# Something grabs ahold of me tightly #
# Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly #
# Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know #
# Turn off the lights, huh #
# And I'll glow, to the extreme #
# I rock a mic like a vandal #
# Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle #
# Dance, go rush the speaker that booms #
# I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom #
# Deadly, when I play a dope melody #
# Anything less than the best is a felony #
# Love it or leave it, you better gangway #
# You better hit the bull's-eye #
# The kid don't play #
# If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it #
# Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it #

New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
Oh!
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #

Will Schuester: # Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet #
# Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it #
# My town that created all th bass sound, enough to shake #
# And kick holes in the ground 'cause my style's #
# Like a chemical spill #
# Feasible rhymes you can vision and feel #
# Conducted and formed, that's a hell of a concept #
# We make it hype and you want to step with this #
# Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja #
# Cut like a razor blade #
# So fast, other DJs say, "damn" #
# If my rhyme was a drug #
# I'd sell it by the gram, keep my composure #
# When it's time to get loose #
# Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice #
# If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it #
# Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it #

New Directions: # Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby #
# Too cold, too cold #
# Vanilla Ice, Ice, baby.

Will Schuester: # Yo, man, let's get out of here. Word to your mother. #
This song is officially paroled! Right, Jesse? You got me?

Sue Sylvester: This is not happening. The cruel slow-motion laughter is just your imagination. You're Sue Sylvester— legend. They're not laughing at you because of your "Physical" video. Just calmly pour yourself a cup of joe and focus. Wait, what's that smell? Dear God, that's coffee. It's usually masked by the smell of fear. Sweet merciful Lord, this is happening! You're being laughed at in slow motion by a roomful of inferiors whom you used to terrify.

Brenda Castle: The name is Brenda. Brenda Castle. I just transferred from Fort Wayne. I can't teach in Indiana anymore 'cause I have some "drug problems" that ended up involving some of my "shoot-ins." I saw your video. And you, my friend, are an embarrassment. And that's me talking!

Rachel Berry: I need to enlist the services of the A/V Club.

Artie Abrams: What did you have in mind?

Rachel Berry: My shame at appearing so low on the Glist has made me reevaluate my image at this school and beyond. I've now realized that in today's culture of bad boy athletes and celebrity sex tapes, a good reputation is no good at all. Artie, you know how our Glee Club assignment was to find a song with a bad reputation and rehabilitate it? Well, mine is going to afford me the worst reputation in this school. Rachel Berry is going to get a little down and dirty.

Artie Abrams: I'm going to stop you. You had me at "sex tape." How can I help?

Rachel Berry: Hold onto your hat, because Rachel Berry is going to become : musically promiscuous.

Kurt Hummel: Because our free-falling reps have reached terminal velocity. We are at Defcon One.

Mercedes Jones: We're such zeros they didn't even bother putting us on the Glist.

Kurt Hummel: What does a C-lister do when their tiny star is about to fall off Perez Hilton's radar screen? They cause a scandal so extreme they can no longer be ignored.

Artie Abrams: Um, excuse me. Why is she here?

Brittany S. Pierce: I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave. But I also don't know why I've only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school. Girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor. I need to do something to get into the top three.

Kurt Hummel: Fine, you're in.

Mercedes Jones: In what? We don't even have a plan.

Kurt Hummel: What is the worst thing a student can do at this school?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Eat in the cafeteria?

Kurt Hummel: No, be a disruption in the library. And I'm not talking about trying to check out a reference book. Mm-mm. I'm talking about full-on chaos— including getting your Glee on in the stacks.

Artie Abrams: Genius.

Sue Sylvester: I never really understood how hard it is to be laughed at. Particularly in slow motion. I try to make it seem like nothing can touch me, but... Boy... Jean, I'm so sorry you ever felt that way. I'm sorry I didn't protect you more.

Jean Sylvester: Remember what we used to do, Sue? Whenever I got sad, we'd help at the animal shelter, to give back.

Sue Sylvester: Because there's always someone who's got it worse than you do.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm a little confused.

Sue Sylvester: I understand. You're probably wondering, what exactly does Sue Sylvester mean when she says, "I'm your new therapist"? Well, let me explain. As you may or may not know, I star in a little music video that's been circulating around the Web. A video that has a tendency to induce cruel, slow-motion laughter.

Emma Pillsbury: No, no, didn't-didn't know about that.

Sue Sylvester: Well, this video has inspired Sue Sylvester to start giving back. I happen to have my Masters in counseling, and when I heard that our school district's one and only psychologist had committed suicide, well, I decided to volunteer my services. And they gave me your name.I'd really like to help.

Emma Pillsbury: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.

Sue Sylvester: Ella, you're crippled by mental illness. Your compulsions have estranged you from your own feelings. You nearly married a gym teacher who's more gravy than man. And you're content to be repeatedly lied to by the man you purport to love.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm sorry?

Sue Sylvester: I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to slip baby monitors under his couch, and under his bed. Turns out he's been having make out sessions with the coach from Vocal Adrenaline, and sleepovers with that world-class banana magnet April Rhodes.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my God.

Sue Sylvester: You need to make a bold move. You suck.

Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me?

Sue Sylvester: You take weird little strides when you walk, as if you were raised in imperial Japan and someone bound your feet.

Emma Pillsbury: You make a valid point.

Sue Sylvester: Grow a pair. I'm insulting you. You refuse to stand up for yourself, you're so afraid of confrontation.

Emma Pillsbury: You're right.

Sue Sylvester: If you want to get better, you need to start communicating your feelings. You need to let Will Schuester know how he's made you feel, and in a public setting, so he can'escape, and he won't manipulate you. Trust me— you need to let him have it.

Rachel Berry: Do you know that when we dated, the rest of the school gave us a nickname? Puckleberry.

Noah Puckerman: That's humiliating.

Rachel Berry: The fact is that slumming it with me actually improved your reputation. It gave you a sense of humanity.

Noah Puckerman: Wait— do you want to date again? I was wondering why you invited me here.

Rachel Berry: As you know, I'm taken. But I can be of some assistance. Help me with my song for Glee Club. I might be the last chance you have to salvage what's left of your reputation, and stay in Glee. Besides, you need a song that going to help you express your inner pain.

Noah Puckerman: So what song do you want to do for your assignment?

Rachel Berry: I've chosen David Geddes' fantastically terrible '70s top ten hit— "Run Joey Run." It's a story song. So we get to play parts. I'm going to play the role of the tragic heroine who dies in the end, A la Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. And you can be the hunky, heroic male lead.

Noah Puckerman: Do I get to kill you?

Rachel Berry: Actually, my dad shoots me with a shotgun.

Noah Puckerman: Do you think I made that Glist? Honestly.

Rachel Berry: Well, it does sound like something that you would do.

Noah Puckerman: God, I'm so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I've made. I try to be a good guy. I go to school and I say, "Be cool, Puck. Be nice." But by second period, I've got a fire extinguisher in my hands and I'm spraying some dweeb with it and I don't know how I got there.

Rachel Berry: I understand. Yeah. I sit in Glee Club and I watch a couple of imperfect performances and a litany of criticisms just start building up inside of me like a volcano and I keep telling myself to hold it in and then it just comes bursting out. Granted, generally I'm right, but doesn't do much for my reputation.

Noah Puckerman: It does suck when you do that.

Rachel Berry: So, uh, how do you think we can get people to see us differently?

Noah Puckerman: I don't know.

Rachel Berry: I can't— I can't do this.

Noah Puckerman: You know, whoever made that Glist is going to put you at number one when they find out you cheated on that Jesse kid with me. Besides, Jesse will never fully understand what it means to be a Jew.

Rachel Berry: Noah... I'm ironically turned on by your bad boy image, but I think we should just keep this professional.

Noah Puckerman: All right, I'm out. Why should I stay if there's no chance of us making out?

Rachel Berry: Noah, please come and sit down and let's work on the project. Okay, it'll help us both. I promise.

Emma Pillsbury: I don't think I can do this. Are you sure this is a good idea?

Sue Sylvester: Stop thinking about him and do it for yourself.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God. Okay, let's do this.

Sue Sylvester: Nah, can't go in the teacher's lounge. Lots of cruel, slow-motion laughter going on in there.

Brenda Castle: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughingstock.

Sue Sylvester: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco.

Brenda Castle: It's a date. That's just a typical Saturday night in the Castle condo.

Sue Sylvester: I think it's mornings...

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Sue Sylvester: Go get 'em.

Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me.

Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Em, can you just give us a sec?

Emma Pillsbury: Actually no. Will, I can't give you a sec. You're just going to have to reschedul your heavy petting session with Mrs. Carlisle for a later time.

Will Schuester: Emma!

Mrs. Carlisle: I beg your pardon? I was just telling Mr. Schuester about how my husband recently died.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Getting them fresh off the rebound now, aren't you? Amazing. Nobody's safe. Nobody is safe.

Will Schuester: Emma, can I talk to you in private?

Emma Pillsbury: No, you can't. Will, we're going to talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun; it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes.

Will Schuester: How did you find out about that?

Emma Pillsbury: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure out things on your own, I thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I am finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Mercedes Jones: Looks like we got a full house, y'all.

Artie Abrams: I'm kind of getting cold feet here.

Brittany S. Pierce: Can you even feel your feet?

Ancient Librarian: Shh!

Kurt Hummel: Team, listen up. If we pull this off, we will be legends at this school.We'll rocket up the Glist. We will be top-five, easy. Artie, pump up the jam. It's about to go down.

Artie Abrams: # You can't touch this. #
# My, my, my music hits me so hard #
# Can't touch this #
# Makes me say, oh, my Lord #
# Thank you for blessing me #
# With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet #
# It feels good, when you know you're down #
# A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown #
# And I'm known as such #
# And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch #
# I told you, homeboy #
# Can't touch this #
# Yo, let me bust this funky lyric #
# Can't touch this #
# Fresh new kicks advance, you gotta like that #
# Now you know you wanna dance #
# So move, outta your seat #
# And get a fly girl and catch this beat #
# While it's rolling, hold on #
# Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's going on #
# Like that, like that #
# Cold on a mission so fall them back #
# Let 'em know that you're too much #
# And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch #

All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # Yo, I told you, can't touch this #

All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # You can't touch this #

All: # Oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # Damn, you can't touch this #

All: # Oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # I told you, can't touch this #

All: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # Too high, you can't touch this #

All: # Oh, oh, oh #

Artie Abrams: # Yo, we out of here, can't touch this. #
Here it comes.

Ancient Librarian: That was very cute. I'm gonna talk to my pastor and see if I can't get you kids to perform that for our Sunday service.

Will Schuester: Look, I don't like doing this any more than you do, but if I don't find out who made that Glist and stop another one from being published, the whole Glee Club's going down. And I can't let that happen.

Finn Hudson: Look, I know I've been kind of angry lately, and sometimes I kick over chairs and stuff, but I didn't do it.

Will Schuester: All the pieces fit, Finn. You have a very big axe to grind with several people on that Glist. Quinn broke your heart, Puck betrayed your friendship, you're dealing with Kurt's dad dating your mom, and I happen to know you've had your ups and downs with Santana and Brittany...

Mercedes Jones: I have nothing against Santana, and I like Brittany. Quinn's the one who has a beef with them.

Will Schuester: Well, there are an awful lot of Cheerios! On that Glist. Isn't it true that you still feel like an outcast in that group?

Mercedes Jones: I don't know what you're talking about. I like being a Cheerio. And why does everyone just assume I'm angry all the time? It's called being sassy, Mr. Schue.

Artie Abrams: It's simple math, Mr. Schue. The Glists are posted at a height of five and a half feet, comfortably out of my reach. It could not have been me. And I have it on good word that...

Tina Cohen-Chang: I saw Puckutting up the Glist in the hallway.

Noah Puckerman: I was moving it! Somebody put it up on Rachel's locker, so I moved it. I was being a man, doing the right thing.

Will Schuester: Puck, at some point, the lies are going to stop, and you're going to start to sing.

Noah Puckerman: If I did it, why would I put myself at number three? As far as bad-asses go, I'm number wha. I'll say it again, I didn't do it!

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know how to turn on a computer.

Quinn Fabray: Rachel did it. Think about it: I stole the guy she's in love with, then I stole the guy she dated to get over the guy she's in love with. And I'm kind of a bitch to her.

Will Schuester: Just doesn't seem like Rachel.

Quinn Fabray: She's gone behind your back before. And I mean, who's to say that there's only one culprit?

Will Schuester: Look, I know you know something! So we're not leaving here until I get some answers.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schuester, may I be blunt?

Will Schuester: Shoot.

Kurt Hummel: Ever since you separated from your wife, you've spent a lot of late nights watching reruns of Law and Order, haven't you? Hmm. Thought so. And no, I didn't make the Glist.

Will Schuester: Right.

Kurt Hummel: We're as menacing as Muppet Babies. Which means our squeaky-clean reputations are still very much intact.

Artie Abrams: We have to do what we've been dreading, something more terrifying than Rachel's personality— We have to go to Sylvester and admit that we posted the Physical video.

Tina Cohen-Chang: But we'll get suspended.

Kurt Hummel: And it will be worth it. Finally the entire student body will see us as bad-asses.

Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, I don't know how much longer I can take the humiliation. The video has just surpassed three million hits. Is my misery some kind of karmic retribution for the way I've treated people? You're go for Sue.

Olivia Newton-John: Hello? Sue? It's Olivia Newton-John, star of Grease— the most successful movie musical of all time.

Sue Sylvester: Nice try. And that's a ridiculous accent.

Olivia Newton-John: Uh...

Sue Sylvester: Journal, I've learned my lesson. Sue Sylvester's gotta start playing nice full-time.

Olivia Newton-John: Hi! Uh, we must have been cut off. It's Olivia Newton-John. I released a record seven-consecutive number one singles.

Sue Sylvester: Sing something.

Olivia Newton-John: # Let's get physical #
# Physical... #

Olivia Newton-John: That song was the best-selling record of the '80s. Listen, Sue, I'm headed for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a sanctuary for orphaned koalas, but I heard my daughter Chloe laughing at something on the Internet the other day, and I saw your video. And I just have to ask, whatever would possess a person to do something like that?

Sue Sylvester: Well, I gotta tell you, Olivia, that video was never meant for public consumption. Some people enjoy videotaping themselves being intimate with a partner. I happen to enjoy revisiting the impeccable form of my various jazzercise routines.

Olivia Newton-John: Well, it got me thinking. You know, that song was the biggest hit of my career. "Physical" spent ten weeks at number one.

Sue Sylvester: It's a classic.

Olivia Newton-John: I agree. Unfortunately, I botched the video, which, by the way, was one of the first music videos ever. But I filled it with obese guys in spandex, and it went over the top, and the song went with it. But I saw your YouTube video, Sue, and I realized that now is the time to save it— and possibly you. I'll be in Ohio tomorrow chairing a benefit for Save the Rainforests at King's Island.

Sue Sylvester: I don't understand.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, man-whore.

Brenda Castle: Will Schuester? Yeah. I'm Brenda Castle. I'm the new astronomy teacher and badminton coach. I also happen to be an alcoholic, and... I like pills. I hear that's just your type. Let's go in this classroom and pork!

Will Schuester: No.

Principal Figgins: I am praying for you, William. We've all heard about your gallivanting!

Will Schuester: But nothing happened!

Ken Tanaka: Maybe that's not what matters, Will. You broke the heart of somebody who doesn't let people get close to her.

Will Schuester: I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

Ken Tanaka: You probably didn't mean to hurt me, either, but lately I've been feeding my feelings to the tune of 6, 000 calories a day.

Sue Sylvester: Slut.

Artie Abrams: Remember— if Sylvester hits you in the fbce after you cop to posting the video, don't scream like a woman.

Mercedes Jones: You're so brave for doing this, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: I know. Thank you.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God...

Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester, can I have just a minute of your time?

Sue Sylvester: What do you want, ladyface?

Kurt Hummel: You're aware a tape was leaked onto the Internet, causing you to become a national laughingstock? We stole the tape from your syringe-and-pill drawer. We posted it online. We'll accept whatever punishment you see fit.

Sue Sylvester: So it was you. I can't thank you enough.

Artie Abrams: She wasn't angry at all. It was weird.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe the comments online have gotten so mean, people have started to feel sorry for her. She's finally getting some sympathy, so she's in a forgiving mood.

Kurt Hummel: Wait a second. Take a look at this.

Mercedes Jones: Isn't that... ?

Olivia Newton-John: # Physical, physical, physical, physical, physical #
# I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like #
# Making good conversation #
# I gotta handle you just right #
# You know what I mean? #

Sue Sylvester: # I took you to an intimate restaurant #
# Then to a suggestive movie #
# There's nothing left to talk about #
# Unless it's horizontally #

Olivia & Sue: # Let's get physical, physical! #
# I wanna get physical! #
# Let's get into physical! #
# Let me hear your body talk, your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Body talk #
# Let's get physical, physical! #
# I want to get physical! #
# Let's get into physical #
# Let me hear your body talk, your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk #

Olivia Newton-John: # I been patient, I been good #
# Trying to keep my hands on the table #
# It's getting hard, this holding back #
# You know what I mean? #
# What I mean? #

Sue Sylvester: # I'm sure you'll understand my point of view #
# We know each other mentally #
# You've gotta know that you're bringin' out the animal in me! #

Olivia & Sue: # Let's get physical, physical! #
# I want to get physical! #
# Let's get into physical! #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-body talk, bah-bah-body talk #
# Bah-bah-bah-bah body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Your body talk #
# Let me hear your body talk #
# Let's get physical. #

Mercedes Jones: Whew!

Mercedes & Brittany: Again, again, again, again, Again, again, again, again!

Artie Abrams: Yeah. I need to learn to do this verse.

Brittany S. Pierce: All day.

Kurt Hummel: All righty.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, listen up. Another week has almost passed. If a list goes up again later today, this issue is out of my hands, and it becomes Principal Figgins' jurisdiction.

Finn Hudson: Seriously, Mr. Schue, whoever made that list is not gonna come forward. We might as well just bend over and take whatever's coming.

Will Schuester: Fine. Okay. Well, then, uh, let's get to it. Rachel, how about you show us your bad reputation project?

Rachel Berry: I'd like to say a few words first. Though I understand that a motion picture should stand on its own, I do realize that some of you are not well-versed in the complex vocabulary of the filmic arts. I expect that this video will go over some of the heads of our less-cultured teammates. So let me just say I hope you enjoy my "Bad Reputation." Lights. Okay, go.
# Ooh, Daddy, please don't #
# It wasn't his fault #
# He means so much to me! #
# Daddy, please don't, we're gonna get married #
# Just you wait and see #

Noah Puckerman: # Every night the same old dream #
# I hate to close my eyes #
# I can't erase the memory #
# The sound of Julie's cry #
# She called me up late that night #
# And she said, "Joe, don't come over #
# "My dad and I just had a fight #
# "And he stormed out the door! #
# "I've never seen him act this way #
# "My God, he's going crazy! #
# "He said he's gonna make you pay #
# "For what we've done #
# He's got a gun, so run, Joey!" #
# Joey, run! #

Rachel Berry: # Daddy, please don't #
# It wasn't his fault, he means so much to me #
# Daddy, please don't #
# We're gonna get married #
# Just you wait and see #

Jesse St. James: # Got in my car and drove like mad #
# Till I reached Julie's place #
# She ran to me, with tear-filled eyes #
# And bruises on her face #
# All at once, I saw him there #
# Sneaking up behind me #

Rachel Berry: # Watch out! #

Jesse St. James: # Then Julie yelled, "He's got a gun!" #
# And she stepped in front of me #

Finn Hudson: # Then, suddenly, a shot rang out #
# And I saw Julie falling #
# I ran to her, I held her close #
# When I looked down, my hands were red #
# And here's the last words #
# Julie said... #

Rachel Berry: # Daddy, please don't, it wasn't his fault #
# He means so much to me #
# Daddy, please don't #
# We're gonna get married... #

Noah Puckerman: # Run, Joey, run #

Jesse St. James: # Joey, run, Joey, run #

Finn Hudson: # Joey, run, Joey, run! #

Rachel Berry: Well, why don't we just, um, take a moment to really absorb what we've just watched.

Finn Hudson: This is garbage!

Will Schuester: Finn!

Noah Puckerman: No, he's right. First of all, I need to trust my instincts more because I had a feeling when we were shooting that, that it was not going to be good.

Jesse St. James: Why didn't you tell me they were in this, too? I thought you and I were going out. Being triple-cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend? It's mortifying.

Rachel Berry: It was an artistic statement.

Finn Hudson: No. It wasn't! It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot slutty girl singer! How could you do this to me; to all us guys? Is your stupid reputation more important than your relationships?

Rachel Berry: Jesse, wait!

Jean Sylvester: I saw your video, Sue! You were fabulous!

Sue Sylvester: You know, I have to thank you, Jean. You always know exactly what to say to me when I lose my way. Turns out all I needed was an attitude change. I forgot how good it feels to give back. I've spent so much time worrying about what other people thought about me, when there's really only one person in the world I want to impress.

Jean Sylvester: Who?

Sue Sylvester: Who? You, silly.So, yesterday, I walked back into that teachers' lounge, and I calmly informed them of my unlikely skyrocket to showbiz fame, and very gently told them all I just didn't care what they thought about me.

Sue Sylvester: What's that? Oh, look. Sue Sylvester is a top 700 recording artist, people! Who's laughing now, huh?

Sue Sylvester: Now, since Olivia is giving her cut of the proceeds to injured manatees, I've decided to give all of my profits to this nursing home. It's not going to be much. Olivia totally screwed me in negotiations. I won't be working with her again, but it should be enough for a couple of benches out back for the summer. Maybe a little vegetable garden for you to putter ound in.

Jean Sylvester: That'd be nice.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah. Now, after all these years, how is it that you still know so much more about everything than I do?

Jean Sylvester: I'm the smart one.

Sue Sylvester: You got the looks, too. How is that fair?

Jean Sylvester: Ah, thank you.

Sue Sylvester: Let's say we crack open a book, huh?

Jean Sylvester: Okay.

Sue Sylvester: See that— the two little bears?

Jean Sylvester: That's you and I.

Sue Sylvester: That's right. I'm the big one, right?

Jean Sylvester: And I'm the small one.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you're the tiny one. And what does that say?

Jean Sylvester: "I always love you."

Sue Sylvester: "And I will always love you."

Will Schuester: Hey. Uh, these are for you.

Emma Pillsbury: They're lovely. Thank you.

Will Schuester: Um... I-I messed up, Emma. I think, in all of this "discovering who I am" business, I took a couple of wrong turns. And I get how those detours might have hurt you. But now I know that that's not who I am or who I want to be.

Emma Pillsbury: I know what's supposed to happen now. I'm supposed to smile and be impressed by how in touch you are with your feelings and moon over the fact that you care about me so much, but, um... I can't.

Will Schuester: But, Emily, th-this is... This is killing me. I just... I want you to look at me the way you used to.

Emma Pillsbury: I can't. But you know what, that's a good thing. Really, if this relationship is ever going to work between the two of us, we have to start seeing each other for who we really are. Thank you for the flowers.

Will Schuester: I know you're behind the Glist.

Quinn Fabray: You have no proof. I can't believe that you're going to pin this on me. I'll be expelled. I mean, it makes sense. Everything else has been taken from me— my popularity, my body. Might as well throw away my education.

Will Schuester: You know when I realized that you did it? The moment I felt what it was like to walk in your shoes. I mean, it takes years to build a good reputation, but only seconds to destroy it. Couple bad choices, and you go from the top to the bottom. You have lost so much, Quinn. Which means you had the most to gain from the Glist.

Quinn Fabray: I never meant to hurt anybody.

Will Schuester: I know.

Quinn Fabray: I... I was captain of the cheerleading squad, president of the Celibacy Club. I had Finn. People would part like the Red Sea when I walked down the hallway. Now I'm invisible.

Will Schuester: And you think being seen as a cheap tramp is better?

Quinn Fabray: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all.

Will Schuester: Look, I know that high school feels like your whole life right now, but it's going to end. You're going to give that baby to a family who really wants it, who's going to love it, and then you are going to go on to do amazing things, Quinn.

Quinn Fabray: You really think that I can get it all back one day?

Will Schuester: No. I think you can get something even better. I mean, come on. You're Quinn Fabray, right? I mean, those people didn't part when you walked down the halls; you moved them with your attitude.

Quinn Fabray: Thanks, Mr. Schue. You're a really good teacher— even if everybody is calling you a man-whore.

Principal Figgins: You wanted to see me, William? I trust you have come up with the perpetrators of the Glist.

Will Schuester: I, um... I grilled every single one of my students, and, uh... no one. No one copped to making the Glist. They all closed ranks and wouldn't rat out who did it.

Principal Figgins: That's poppycock, Will. I will not let this school be held hostage by juvenile shenanigans.

Will Schuester: I know, but... I mean, your point has been made. The Glists have stopped. I think we should just call this a victory and move on.

Principal Figgins: Fine. I'm still praying for you, Will.

Quinn Fabray: Thank you.

Rachel Berry: Hi. Are you still mad at me?

Jesse St. James: You know, before I transferred here to make you my girlfriend, I asked around about you, found out your rep, what kind of girl you were.

Rachel Berry: What did they say?

Jesse St. James: Most of them had no idea who you were. The ones that did said you were kind of sneaky hot, but that that quality was canceled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affinity for sweaters with animals on them. The most interesting part was... That, even though no one particularly liked you, they all said you were a person who could be trusted.

Rachel Berry: I still am. I have this pathological need to be popular, okay? I... I just want people to think I'm cool so bad sometimes that it just clouds my judgment. Okay? As a fellow star in the making, I'm... I'm sure you can understand that.

Jesse St. James: On that level, sure. But as the guy who gave up everything to be your one and only, I just can't see past this. I should have been enough for you, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: I knew you'd break my heart.

Jesse St. James: Well, that's the funny thing about reputations. Everyone thinks I'm the big heartbreaker, but the fact of the matter is... You broke mine first. Do me a favor? If we end up next to each other on the bar at Ballet Club this week, just do your arabesques and piques in silence. Don't talk to me.

Finn Hudson: # Turn around #

Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely #
# And you're never comin' round #

Finn Hudson: # Turn around #

Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit tired #
# Of listening to the sound of my tears #

Jesse St. James: # Turn around #

Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I get a little bit terrified #
# And then I see the look in your eyes #

Finn Hudson: # Turn around, bright eyes #

Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
# And I need you now tonight #
# And I need you more than ever #
# And if you'll only hold me tight #
# We'll be holding on forever #
# And we'll only be making it right #
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong #
# Together we can take it to the end of the line #
# Your love is like a shadow on me #
# All of the time #

New Directions: # All of the time #

Rachel Berry: # I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark #
# You're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks #
# I really need you tonight #
# Forever's going to start tonight #

New Directions: # Forever's going to start tonight #

Rachel Berry: # Once upon a time there was light in my life #
# Now I'm only falling apart #

Finn & Rachel: # There's nothing I can say #
# Total eclipse of the heart #

Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes #

Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #

Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes #

Rachel Berry: # Every now and then, I fall apart #
# And I need you now tonight #
# And I need you more than ever #
# And we'll only be making it right #
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong #
# Together we can take it to the end of the line #
# Your love is like a shadow on me #
# All of the time #

New Directions: # All of the time #

Rachel Berry: # I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark #
# You're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks #
# I really need you tonight #
# Forever's going to start tonight #

New Directions: # Forever's going to start tonight #

Rachel Berry: # Once upon a time, I was falling in love #

Rachel & Jesse: # Now I'm only falling apart #
# There's nothing I can do #
# Total eclipse of the heart #

Jesse St. James: # Turn around, bright eyes. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what happened last week: Kurt found a video of Sue, and the glee club posted it online.

Brenda Castle: You, my friend, are an embarrassment.

Ian Brennan: Then somebody made a "glist" of who in the glee club was the naughtiest, so Rachel tried to seem like a bad girl by doing a video with Finn, Puck and Jesse, but mostly it just hurt their feelings and the song was really, really bad. With Shelby Corcoran and that, one time, April Rhodes spent the night, which totally hurt Emma's feelings.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm through with you.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Brittany S. Pierce: Who is that guy?

Noah Puckerman: My mom found a mole on my head when she was washing my hair on Friday.

Santana Lopez: Your mom still washes your hair?

Noah Puckerman: She started crying about sun block and how she's always telling me to wear a hat when I'm cleaning pools. So, she made me go see Dr. Friedlander, the dermatologist. He said he had to shave my head to get a closer look at it. It was nothing— they maimed me over a freaking freckle!I feel like that guy that lost all his hair, then lost all his strength.

Santana Lopez: Samson?

Noah Puckerman: Agassi. This morning, people actually had the balls to look me in the eye. I mean, it's just a Mohawk, right? I'm still Puckasaurus.

Santana Lopez: Actually, I don't know if it's the missing Mohawk or the whining, but I am totally not turned on by you right now.

Noah Puckerman: You got a problem?

Jacob Ben Israel: Clearly, you're not a follower of my LarryHair account on Twitter. We've been tweeting all day about your new look. You're like a toddler with a loose lid on his sippy cup. No more juice. Get ready for payback, Puckerman.

Noah Puckerman: All right. I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad? Wait a second. That black chick from Glee Club used to suck, and now she's all kinds of popular.

Mercedes Jones: # A Cheerio... #

Noah Puckerman: If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can. But how? I'm not becoming a Cheerio. Wait— I don't need to be a cheerleader, I just need to date one.

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah... #

Noah Puckerman: Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remembe right now, the Puckster is about to make you his.

Will Schuester: Um... Wait, what are these?

Rachel Berry: My vitamin supplements. I'm taking them three times a day. I'm exhausted. I even felt a tickle in the back of my throat, and I never get sick.

Will Schuester: Well, I just don't understand why you're so tired all of a sudden.

Rachel Berry: Because every song I sing in here is a solo. As you know, I have perfect pitch, which also means I have a very sensitive ear. None of them were singing. I knew I needed proof, so I had a little talk with Lauren Zizes, president of the AV club.

Lauren Zizes: Bug the choir room? I'm almost offended by the simplicity of the request.

Rachel Berry: Just tell me you can do it, Zizes. The microphones would have to be hidden.

Lauren Zizes: Who's this guy? Who's this guy? It'll cost you two boxes of Mallomars for me and Snicker bars for my workers. Take it or leave it, Berry.

New Directions: # Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #
# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #

Rachel Berry: Here are the glee club members who are not pulling their weight.

Will Schuester: This is half the club.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, man.

Noah Puckerman: Hey, sugar. Listen. I got a proposition to make. I did some research. Blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other. And Wikipedia says that King Martin Luther loved the Jews.

Mercedes Jones: Okay, you just said like ten offensive things.

Noah Puckerman: My point is, you're popular now. And I got to be honest— I need to spice up my image a little. We should join forces. It wouldn't take much. Just a little light making out. And I like a girl with curves. You got to admit, I'm easy on the eyes.

Mercedes Jones: Baby, I just am not attracted to you.Plus, I know what you do to the girls you date. You knock them up, and then you hang them out to dry.

Noah Puckerman: Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else. We just did the nasty. And she understood you can't tie me down. I'm a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die.

Mercedes Jones: Okay, I'm going to ask you to stop, because I'm starting to get embarrassed for you. You and me would not work out. We have nothing in common. You're Top 40. I'm rhythm and blues.

Will Schuester: I am very disappointed in you guys.

Finn Hudson: Can't believe you narced on us.

Rachel Berry: Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness. I'm tired of carrying all of your weight. Regionals is in a month, guys.

Will Schuester: I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. Finn, why did you stop singing?

Finn Hudson: 'Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jesse. It kind of shook my confidence, you know?

Santana Lopez: What difference does it make? Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot.

Quinn Fabray: My baby hormones are making me moody.

Brittany S. Pierce: There are so many lyrics.

Will Schuester: A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A glee club is about a myriad of voices coming together as one. All right? This ends now. Which is why your assignment for the week is for each of you to come up with a song that best represents how you see yourself— where you are in your lives right now. Your voice. Then... you're going to stand up here and sing your hearts out. All of you.

Kurt Hummel: Solos? In front of everyone?

Will Schuester: The Glee Club has lost its voice. It's time for us to get it back.

Kurt Hummel: I am going to kill this assignment. If there's one thing that I know, it's my voice. I have exactly the same vocal range as 16th century castrato Orlando di Lasso. But you know what he didn't have? A song by Ms. Whitney Houston in his back pocket.

Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt!

Kurt Hummel: Dad? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?

Burt Hummel: Oh, I'm here to pick up Finn. I got a pair of tickets to the Reds game, and Carole said that Finn's never been a major league game. I mean, it's Cincinnati, so it's barely the major leagues, but still.

Kurt Hummel: And why wasn't I invited?

Burt Hummel: Are you kidding me? Every time I sit down to watch a game, you start in on the fact that all the players are wearing stirrup pants.

Kurt Hummel: Because there's never an excuse for stirrup pants!

Finn Hudson: Okay, I'm ready.

Burt Hummel: All right, I'll meet you by the car.

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Burt Hummel: This is gonna be so great. It's gonna be great for Finn. It means a lot to his mom, too. Hey, I'll see you at home. I'll be home around midnight.

Noah Puckerman: Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad.

Mercedes Jones: Seriously? That's what you came up with?

Will Schuester: All right, guys. Let's get things started.

Rachel Berry: As I was first on the sign-up sheet, I'll kick things off.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Rachel Berry: I have chosen Miley Cyrus' "The Climb," because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds. In my case, the obstacle is you— my lackluster teammates who refuse to carry their own weight.
# I can almost see it #
# That dream I'm dreaming #
# But there's a voice inside my head saying #
# "You'll never reach it" #
# Every step I'm taking #
# Every move I make feels lost with no direction #
# My faith is shaking #
# But I gotta keep trying #
# Gotta keep my head held high... #

Will Schuester: Rachel... I think you've lost your voice.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, Ladyface. I noticed you weren't at Cheerios practice yesterday, and I don't look kindly on absenteeism.

Kurt Hummel: I'm so sorry, Ms. Sylvester. It won't happen again. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. It's my dad. He's the most important thing in the world to me. I love him. And I'm afraid that I might be losing him because of... my... sexuality.

Sue Sylvester: Your sexuality. How old are you, 16? Have you even kissed a boy?

Kurt Hummel: No.

Sue Sylvester: Have you ever kissed a girl?

Kurt Hummel: No.

Sue Sylvester: Well, then how can you possibly know what you like? You see, that's the problem with your generation. You're obsessed with labels. So you like show tunes! Doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're awful. You know, there's only one person in this world who can tell you what you are.

Kurt Hummel: Me.

Sue Sylvester: No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.

Kurt Hummel: Wait— I have an idea. Our assignment for Glee Club is to find a song that reflects our voice...

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, you know what? I checked out of this conversation about a minute back. So, uh, good luck with your troubles, and I'm gonna make a habit not to stop and talk to students, 'cause this has been a colossal waste of my time.

Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt... You want to speak me?

Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad, yeah... I was just, uh, working on my Glee Club assignment, "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp.

Burt Hummel: Oh, really? I didn't think that was in your wheelhouse.

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I think it's really brave for a Midwesterner like himself to, uh, write a song about such bold interior design.

Burt Hummel: You know, that's not what the song's about.

Kurt Hummel: Really?

Burt Hummel: No, it's about how the '80s were a tough time for a lot of people and how the American Dream isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Kurt Hummel: Hmm. Fascinating. Hey, why don't we go grab a couple burgers and, uh, you can tell me more about it?

Burt Hummel: Sure. But I gotta be honest, that's pretty much what every Mellencamp song is about. But you know what? I'll get my coat. Anything to help you out.

Rachel Berry: What if he says I'll never sing again? I mean, who am I without my voice? I'm just this spoiled, annoying only child...

Finn Hudson: Don't say that. There's, like, so many awesome things about you.

Rachel Berry: Like?

Finn Hudson: Look, he's not gonna say you'll never sing again.

Dr. Gidwani: Bad news, Rachel, you'll probably never sing again. I'm kidding. You have severe tonsillitis, which has resulted in an inner ear infection. From the looks of things, it's not the first time. You should have had them out years ago.

Rachel Berry: Why should I let you butcher my throat, when just resting my voice for a week and chugging down herbal tea will do the same job?

Dr. Gidwani: This is a very serious infection.

Finn Hudson: I think she's worried about the surgery affecting her singing voice.

Dr. Gidwani: At least start by taking these antibiotics. Unless you think they're going to adversely affect your dance moves.

Rachel Berry: What do you think I should do?

Finn Hudson: Maybe you should ask your boyfriend. Oh, wait, you can't, He's not here.

Rachel Berry: He's in San Diego on spring break with his friends from Vocal Adrenaline.

Finn Hudson: When are you gonna realize that he's not into you like I am? You think he's gonna stick around if you can't sing? If you're a vocal cripple?

Rachel Berry: Look, I know that you've always been jealous of Jesse. And even though he and I haven't spoken since the "Run Joey Run" debacle, you just have to accept the fact that I still care about him deeply. And I know he still feels the same way about me.

Finn Hudson: # Jesse is a friend #
# You know, he's been a good friend of mine #
# But lately, something's changed #
# And that ain't hard to define #
# Jesse's got himself a girl, and I want to make her mine #
# And she's watching him with those eyes #
# And she's loving him with that body, I just know it #
# And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night #
# You know I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# Where can I find a woman like that? #
# And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time #
# Wondering what she don't see in me #
# I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines #
# Ain't that the way love's supposed to be? #
# Tell me, where can I find a woman like that? #
# Like Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I want Jesse's girl #
# Where can I find a woman like that? #
# Like Jesse's girl #
# I wish that I had Jesse's girl #
# I want, I want Jesse's girl. #

Will Schuester: Nice work! Now that— that is the kind of soul-exposing song I was talking about. We should all be inspired by Finn's bravery. Good job, buddy.

Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue, can I sing my song now?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Just go for it, Puck.

Mercedes Jones: What are they doing here?

Noah Puckerman: I invited my brothers from the jazz band and their righteous horns to help me out with my song. Since I shaved my Mohawk, I started seeing things differently. Last week, I joined a black church, and I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis Jr. ever recorded on iTunes. He was a black Jew, you know. And my inspiration. So, without further ado, I give you one of Sammy's biggest hits.
# She gets too hungry for dinner at 8:00 #
# She adores the theater #
# And, whoa, won't arrive late #
# She'd never bother with people she'd hate #
# That's why the lady is a tramp #
# Doesn't like crap games with barons and earls #
# Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls #
# Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls #
# That's why the lady is a tramp #
# She likes the free, fresh wind in her hair #
# Life without care #
# She's broke, it's oke #
# She hates California #
# It's cold and it's damp #
# That's why the lady #
# Is a tramp #
# Oh oh-oh oh-oh! #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh #
# I get far too hungry to eat dinner at 8:00 #
# I adore the theater, but I never come late #

Noah Puckerman: # You'd never bother #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, do-do, do-do, do-do #

Noah Puckerman: # With anyone that you'd hate #

Mercedes & Noah: # That's why the lady is a tramp! #

Mercedes Jones: # I like the free, fresh wind in my hair #
# Life without care #

Noah Puckerman: # She's a swinger, a humdinger! #

Mercedes Jones: # Hates California #

Mercedes & Noah: # Too cold and too damp #

Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady #

Noah Puckerman: # That's why the lady #

Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady... #

Noah Puckerman: # That's why the lady #

Mercedes Jones: # That's why the lady... #

Noah Puckerman: # Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh #

Mercedes Jones: # That is why #

Noah Puckerman: # That is why #

Mercedes Jones: # The lady is a #

Noah Puckerman: # The lady is a tramp #

Mercedes Jones: # Tramp #
# Oh, oh-oh-oh, yeah. #

Mercedes Jones: Look, Quinn, I could never see myself being into a guy like Puck, especially since he's your baby's daddy, but... Something just happened between us.

Quinn Fabray: I say... Go for it.

Mercedes Jones: What?

Quinn Fabray: Look... I screwed up by letting Puck get me pregnant. He's an idiot, and his mother won't let me eat bacon. I'm stuck living with him right now, but at least, if you guys are dating, I won't have to spend so much time listening to his insane theories on how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization. But you do realize he's using you and your popularity so he won't get tossed in a Dumpster.

Mercedes Jones: I know he's using me, but in a way, it's even better. I'm not you. I've never had a guy like me for anything, but now I'm such a steaming mug of hot chocolate that one of the studliest guys in school wants to use me to harvest some mojo.

Quinn Fabray: I just don't want you getting hurt.

Mercedes Jones: I know what this is. My heart's safe.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, I'm not worried about your heart. I might be okay with this, but not even Puck is going to be able to call off Santana.

Will Schuester: All right, let's get things started.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, I'd like to start us off. I believe I've found a song that finally expresses my true voice.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Kurt Hummel: Gentlemen.
# There's a black man with a black cat #
# Livin' in a black neighborhood #
# He's got an interstate runnin' through his front yard #
# You know, he thinks that he's got it so good #
# And there's a woman in the kitchen #
# Cleanin' up the evenin' slop #
# And he looks at her and says #
# Hey, darlin', I can remember when you could stop a clock #
# Oh, but ain't that America #
# For you and me #
# Ain't that America #
# Somethin' to see, baby #
# Ain't that America #
# Home of the free, yeah #
# Little pink houses for you and me #
# Oh, baby, for you and me. #
Is there something wrong, Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: I don't really think you got the point of the assignment. This was about finding a song that expresses who you are. That song didn't really sound like you.

Kurt Hummel: Well, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations.

Will Schuester: No, no, this group needs you to be you, Kurt. You can literally do things that no one else can.

Kurt Hummel: I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me.

Will Schuester: Don't lose track of who you are just because it might be a easier to be somebody else. All right, take five, guys.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey, Kurt... That song was hot.

Kurt Hummel: Oh... Merci.

Brittany S. Pierce: So you're pretty much the only guy in this school that I haven't made out with because I thought you were capital-G Gay. But now that you're not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. So, let me know if you want to tap this.

Finn Hudson: Are you, like, sleepwalking?

Rachel Berry: You have to be able to sleep to sleepwalk. I am on my third day of antibiotics, and I am not getting any better, which means, I'm going to have to have that surgery, which means, my life is over.

Finn Hudson: Don't you think you're being a little dramatic, I mean, even for you? God, I'm so sick of you feeling sorry for yourself.

Rachel Berry: Why don't you get it? I am my voice. I am like Tinkerbell, Finn. I need applause to live.

Finn Hudson: I got a friend I want you to meet.

Rachel Berry: Another doctor? I've seen six already.

Finn Hudson: No. No. He's an old friend of mine.

Kurt Hummel: Your lip gloss tastes like root beer. It's weird. Can I ask you something? What do boys' lips taste like?

Brittany S. Pierce: Usually dip. Sometimes they taste like burgers. Or my armpits. Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.

Burt Hummel: Whoa. Am I interrupting something?

Kurt Hummel: You sure are.

Burt Hummel: Okay, I'm confused. I came home to find this note on your doorknob— "Do not enter under any circumstances, I'm making out with a girl." I just thought it was the start of one of your murder mystery dinners.

Kurt Hummel: Dad, I really need you to respect my privacy. Brittany and I were just, uh, having sexual relations.

Burt Hummel: Hi. Kurt, uh... I've been sorta dealing for months with you being gay and everything, and now you're telling me that's not the case?

Kurt Hummel: Dad, you and I have more in common than I would have thought. The flannel, the Mellencamp... The ladies.

Burt Hummel: Okay, well... You're free to be whoever you are, okay? You just let me know when you make up your mind, I'm gonna do the best I can. But I'm good either way. Nice to meet you. All right, you kids be careful, all right? And you gotta respect her, all right? And if things get serious, use protection.

Brittany S. Pierce: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

Noah Puckerman: So what made Super Mario Brothers 3 so amazing was the Star Worlds. None of the other versions had anything like that.

Mercedes Jones: Look, Puck, I agreed to start dating you because you have great arms, and we have serious musical chemistry— both of which are really important to me. But clearly you've never dated a sister before. And we have needs— as in you need to stop flapping your gums about this video game nonsense and start finding out more about me, about who I am.

Noah Puckerman: Okay. I've never done that with a girl before, but I'm cool.

Mercedes Jones: First thing you need to know is I like those frozen coffee drinks.

Noah Puckerman: Do you want me to get you one?

Mercedes Jones: Decaf.

Noah Puckerman: Cool. What was that?

Jacob Ben Israel: Whatever I did, I'm-I'm sorry. Here, take my lunch money as an apology.

Noah Puckerman: Put that away. Why didn't you look at me when I walked by?

Jacob Ben Israel: Well, the Tweetosphere says you're dating Mercedes Jones. She's one of the most popular girls in school. Your cool-o-meter is off the charts. Which means most of us are terrified of you again. Some of the guys who threw you in the Dumpster actually transferred today, out of fear of retaliation.

Noah Puckerman: I didn't say you could smile. Give me that lunch money. Also, my girl needs a coffee drink.

Mercedes Jones: # Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute? #

Santana Lopez: # Uh-huh, sure. You know you look kind of familiar. #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, you do, too, but, um, I just wanted to know, do you know somebody named— you know his name. #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, yeah, definitely, I know his name. #

Mercedes Jones: # I just wanted to let you know he's mine. #

Santana Lopez: # No, no, he's mine. #

Mercedes & Santana: # You need to give it up #
# Had about enough #
# He belongs to me #
# The boy is mine #

Mercedes Jones: # I think it's time we got this straight #
# Sit and talk face-to-face #
# There is no way you could mistake him for your man #
# Are you insane? #

Santana Lopez: # You see I know that you may be #
# Just a bit jealous of me #
# 'Cause you're blind if you can't see #
# That his love is all in me #

Mercedes Jones: # You need to give it up #
# Had about enough #

Santana Lopez: # Had about enough #

Mercedes Jones: # It's not hard to see #

Santana Lopez: # He's mine, he's mine, he's mine, he's mine #

Mercedes Jones: # I'm sorry that you #

Santana Lopez: # I'm so sorry #

Mercedes Jones: # Seemed to be confused #

Santana Lopez: # You seem to be confused #

Mercedes Jones: # He belongs to me #

Santana Lopez: # He belongs to me #

Mercedes Jones: # The boy is mine #

Santana Lopez: # You can't destroy this love I've found #
# Your silly games I won't allow #
# The boy is mine without a doubt #

Mercedes Jones: # He was my love right from the start #
# I'm sorry that you #

Santana Lopez: # I'm sorry that you #

Mercedes Jones: # Seem to be confused #

Santana Lopez: # Seemed to be confused #

Mercedes Jones: # He belongs to me #

Santana Lopez: # That boy is mine #
# Not yours #

Mercedes Jones: # But mine #

Santana Lopez: # Not yours #

Mercedes Jones: # But mine #

Santana Lopez: # Not yours #

Mercedes Jones: # But mine #

Mercedes & Santana: # I'm sorry that you #
# Seemed to be confused #
# He belongs to me #
# The boy is mine... #

Will Schuester: Wow. That was intense.

Santana Lopez: Don't touch me.

Mercedes Jones: Don't step to me.

Will Schuester: I gotta give you guys props for the passion. Maybe hold back on the animosity.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, yeah. I know. I understand.

Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey! Seriously, this ends now!

Santana Lopez: All right.

Mercedes Jones: Talk to the stick figure.

Will Schuester: Please. All right? You can go at it in song, but that is it.

Santana Lopez: Enjoy it while you can, Weezie. His hair is already starting to grow back.

Will Schuester: Calm down. Hey, hey.

Mercedes Jones: Puck, what the hell is going on here?

Noah Puckerman: Just a little payback. You hear that? That's the sound of order being restored.

Mercedes Jones: No man of mine is gonna be pulling stuff like this.

Noah Puckerman: Babe, this is what we do. Look at 'em. They need this. Without the fear of a good Dumpster toss, it'd be chaos up in this place. Look, you don't need to like it, but you need to accept it— this is the way things are. 'Cause now, we're part of the system. We're at the top of the heap. Who's next?

Finn Hudson: Hi, uh, Mrs. Fretthold. This is Rachel.

Mrs. Fretthold: Pretty. Uh, I'll tell Sean you're here. I'm sorry it's such a mess. I've been on the phone to the insurance company all day.

Finn Hudson: Oh, no, that's fine.

Rachel Berry: Is this him?

Finn Hudson: Uh, yeah. We met at football camp a couple years ago.

Mrs. Fretthold: He's ready for you.

Sean Fretthold: Fab-five-Finnster!

Finn Hudson: Fretter!

Sean Fretthold: This the hottie you were telling me about?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Sean Fretthold, Rachel Berry, Rachel, Sean.

Sean Fretthold: Got a boyfriend, Rachel?

Rachel Berry: Um... Sort of.

Sean Fretthold: Sort of? Sounds like I got a shot.

Rachel Berry: I don't understand; this isn't funny.

Sean Fretthold: Sorry. They make me see a shrink. He says I compensate with humor. Third game of the season, right after I met the Finnster, this Yeti of a fullback breaks through the line. I hear a crack, next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground saying to myself, "Get up, get up," but nothing was working, you know?

Finn Hudson: Sean was a C4.

Sean Fretthold: Paralyzed from the upper chest down.

Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry.

Sean Fretthold: Finn says your voice is messed up. Is it going to come back?

Rachel Berry: I don't, I don't, I don't know.

Sean Fretthold: Pissed off about what you lost? I was. Like, real... rage. I used to just lie in bed and scream.

Rachel Berry: Finn shouldn't have brought me here. I'm so sorry.

Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, wait. Just... Tell her about what happened when they gave you the chair.

Sean Fretthold: They were all excited because I could drive it myself by blowing in that tube. The second they left me alone... I drove it into the swimming pool.

Finn Hudson: His mom pulled him out when she heard the splash.

Rachel Berry: I don't understand. Are... are you trying to tell me that you're happier now?

Sean Fretthold: Hell, no. I'm miserable. I miss my body. I miss my life. I miss my friends. I miss girls. But I've realized, over time, that I've got other stuff going on. I'm more than just one thing. You know I'm good at math? Seriously. I flew through Calc I in like two months. And I can sing.

Finn Hudson: He's actually pretty good.

Sean Fretthold: I used to sing in the shower, in the car... I didn't have the balls to try out for my school's club like Finn did. That pissed me off more than anything. What the hell was I afraid of?

Mrs. Fretthold: Sorry, guys, time for physical therapy.

Finn Hudson: Later, dude. Um, I'll come by in a few weeks.

Sean Fretthold: I'll be here.

Rachel Berry: Thanks.

Sean Fretthold: For what?

Rachel Berry: Just, um... thanks.

Noah Puckerman: Hey, mama. Where's your Cheerios uniform?

Mercedes Jones: I quit.

Sue Sylvester: Nobody quits the Cheerios! You either die, or I kick you off.

Mercedes Jones: It was fun, I guess, but... When I put the uniform on, I didn't feel like myself. It's just not who I am.

Sue Sylvester: And what am I supposed to do about that Mariah Carey number in which you do ten straight minutes of vocal runs? Huh? Nationals is in three weeks! I guess I'll just have to take to the mic and deliver a diatribe. Probably something about immigrants.

Mercedes Jones: Look, I know Glee Club may be super nerdy or whatever, but it's taught me something very important. You have to be true to who you are. That's something you may want think about. 'Cause the guy I saw throwing dweebs in the Dumpster yesterday— I don't like him very much. And you know what? I don't think you do, either.

Brittany S. Pierce: Your hands are really soft.

Kurt Hummel: My secret? Duck fat. Hey, guys. Just holding hands with Brittany.

Brittany S. Pierce: Seriously. They feel like a baby. Now I know what it's like to date a baby.

Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: Dad. Hey.

Burt Hummel: Finn caught a foul ball inhe ninth, so that means free hoagies at Lenny's Hoagies, and then half-price to the motocross tonight, so I promised I'd take him. Hi.

Kurt Hummel: Can you excuse us for a minute, boo?

Brittany S. Pierce: What?

Kurt Hummel: Just go away. Did you ever think that that might be something I wanted to do with you?

Burt Hummel: Look, Kurt, Finn needs a buddy right now, okay? At the game, he got to talking about his dad, and, you know, his mom thinks it's a really good thing for him. Look, I promise you we will hang out as much as you want, okay? Just not tonight.

Kurt Hummel: # All that work and what did it get me? #
# Why did I do it? #
# Scrapbooks full of me in the background #
# Give 'em love and what does it get ya? #
# What does it get ya? #
# One quick look as each of 'em leaves you #
# All your life and what does it get ya? #
# Thanks a lot and out with the garbage #
# They take bows and you're battin' zero #
# I had a dream #
# I dreamed it for you, Dad #
# It wasn't for me, Dad #
# And if it wasn't for me #
# Then where would you be #
# Miss Rachel Berry? #
# Well, someone tell me when is it my turn? #
# Don't I get a dream for myself? #
# Starting now, it's gonna be my turn #
# Gangway, world, get off of my runway! #
# Starting now I bat a thousand! #
# This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and... #
# Everything's coming up Kurt! #
# Everything's coming up Hummel! #
# Everything's coming up Kurt! #
# This time for me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For me! #
# For... me! #
# Yeah! #

Burt Hummel: That was some serious singing, kid.

Kurt Hummel: That was "Rose's Turn."

Burt Hummel: I could get into that, maybe.

Kurt Hummel: What happened to the hoagies?

Burt Hummel: Ah, blew it off. You know, too much cholesterol.

Kurt Hummel: I bet Finn was disappointed.

Burt Hummel: He understood, uh... Once I told him how bent out of shape I thought you were.

Kurt Hummel: Me? I'm fine.

Burt Hummel: Kurt, I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid. And I have no idea what that song was about, but "fine" don't sing like you just sung. Look... maybe I got carried away doing stuff with Finn. But I told you, this thing with you was going to be hard.

Kurt Hummel: Thing with me. You mean being gay?

Burt Hummel: Yeah. Being gay. Look, I will fight to the death for your right to love whoever you want, but when you were a little baby in my arms, did I dream about taking you to baseball games and talking about girls? Yeah, I did. A lot of fathers do.

Kurt Hummel: I had no idea how disappointing I was.

Burt Hummel: Hey, come on, now, stop it right now. I'm-I'm talking straight to you. Don't go playing the victim. You know that's not what I mean.

Kurt Hummel: I know. I'm sorry. I know you're working hard on yourself to make all this okay. Just seeing you, the way you are with Finn, how easy it is... It breaks my heart.

Burt Hummel: Is that why you were pretending to date that daffy cheerleader? And dressing differently, and singing Mellencamp?

Kurt Hummel: I just want you to know that... I'm going to work as hard as you to make this okay.

Burt Hummel: You don't have to work at anything, Kurt. Your job... is to be yourself, and my job is to love you, no matter what. Okay? That and a majority ownership in a tire store— that's all we got. Okay? We stick to that, we're going to be great.

Kurt Hummel: I missed you, Dad.

Burt Hummel: Oh, come here. I love you.

Kurt Hummel: Love you, too.

Sean Fretthold: Mom... Finn with you?

Rachel Berry: No, I came by myself. Is that okay?

Sean Fretthold: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: I, um... I just wanted to say thank you, and for showing me that just because I'm not good at anything other than singing doesn't mean I'm not any good if I can't sing. That sounded like a really bad greeting card.

Sean Fretthold: No. It was cool.

Rachel Berry: Well, anyways, I... I just thought I could maybe return the favor. I thought I could give you singing lessons. It sort of seemed like an area of interest for you. I'll-I'll come by, like, once a week or something, and we could just see how it goes? I've-I've helped almost everyone in our glee club, some by brute force, but...

Sean Fretthold: So, your voice came back.

Rachel Berry: Turns out that a heroic dose of antibiotics and a mysterious blend of herbal remedies and a vow of silence is all it takes to cure tonsillitis, so... I'll probably have to have my tonsils taken out eventually, but, um, I'm-I'm not scared anymore.

Sean Fretthold: Uh, so... do you want to give it a spin now?

Rachel Berry: Sing with you? Yeah. Yeah, I'd be honored.

Sean Fretthold: Come here. Take my hand?

Rachel Berry: Can you feel that?

Sean Fretthold: No. But it's weird. I remember what it feels like, and I can see it, so... It's like I can.

Rachel Berry: I-I, um... I thought we'd do a little classic rock today. Finn said you might like that.

Sean Fretthold: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: # Is it getting better? #
# Or do you feel the same? #
# Will it make it easier on you now? #
# You got someone to blame? #

Sean & Rachel: # You say... #

Sean Fretthold: # One love, one life #
# When it's one need, in the night #
# One love, we get to share it #
# Leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it... #

Finn Hudson: # Did I disappoint you? #
# Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? #
# You act like you never had love #
# And you want me to go without #

Finn & Rachel: # Well, it's too late #
# Tonight #
# To drag the past out into the light #
# We're one, but we're not the same #
# We get to carry each other, carry each other #
# One #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah #

Finn & Rachel: # One #

Mercedes Jones: # One #

Rachel Berry: # Love is a temple, love is a higher law #
# Love is a temple #
# Love is a higher law #
# You ask for me to enter, but then you make me crawl #
# And I can't be holding on to what you got #
# When all you got is hurt #

Finn & Rachel: # One love #

New Directions: # One love #

Finn & Rachel: # One blood #

New Directions: # One blood #

Finn & Rachel: # One life, you got to do what you should #
# One life #

New Directions: # One life #

Finn & Rachel: # With each other #

Rachel Berry: # Sisters #

New Directions: # Sisters #

Finn & Rachel: # And my brothers #
# One life #
# But we're not the same #
# We get to carry each other #
# Carry each other #

Rachel Berry: # One... #

Sean & Rachel: # One #
# One... #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week: Puck had to shave his Mohawk, and people started picking on him. So he started dating Mercedes to seem cool again 'cause she was on the Cheerios!, but then she quit.

Mercedes Jones: That's not who I am.

Ian Brennan: Finn's mom Carol is dating Kurt's dad Burt, which was totally Kurt's idea, but then Kurt got mad that Burt and Finn started hanging out.

Kurt Hummel: I miss you, Dad.

Ian Brennan: Rachel hurt her voice and couldn't sing, and she kind of thought that was the only thing that was important.

Rachel Berry: I need applause to live.

Ian Brennan: But then Finn introduced her to a friend who showed her that there's a lot worse things to lose than your voice.

Sean Fretthold: I compensate with humor.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: Hey, you wanted to see me?

Principal Figgins: William, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. He's the newest member of our school board. And he'd like to speak to you. Will Schuester, meet Mr. Bryan Ryan.

Bryan Ryan: We've met.

Will Schuester: Bryan Ryan. We went to school together, and he made my life a living hell. He was two years older. Dated every girl I liked. Got every solo.

Bryan Ryan: # Cheer up, Sleepy Jean #
# Oh, what can it mean? #
# To a daydream believer #
# And a homecoming queen... #
What's the matter, Schuester, cat got your talent?

Bryan Ryan: I'm here to do an audit of our curriculum, Will. We may need to cut some of our district's art programs.

Principal Figgins: It's really just a formality, William.

Bryan Ryan: No, it's not. We'll probably cut the glee club.

Will Schuester: What?! But-but you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life.

Bryan Ryan: It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in The Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue. We were a smash. Then for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. But when that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district. Then... something amazing happened. I was introduced to Jesus. He was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face. Global warming's a theory. And four nights a week, I run a show choir conversion group.

Brenda Castle: Hi, I'm Brenda. And it's been 42 days since I sang a show tune.

Show Choir conversion Group: Hi, Brenda.

Brenda Castle: Years ago when I auditioned to play Miss Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, I was asked to take my top off. Evidently, that is not... customary. And... That's when I started huffing glue.

Russell: My name is Russell; I'm a glee club survivor. Whenever anything bad would happen, I would just say, "Let's put on a show." Well, guess what? "Puttin' on a show!" about your father's prostate cancer : will actually just make him more depressed about the situation.

Bryan Ryan: Show choir kills.

Bryan Ryan: I just want to have a talk with your kids. Make sure you're not building up their hopes just to have them knocked down.

Will Schuester: What if I say no?

Principal Figgins: Just let him speak to the kids, William. Let Mr. Bryan Ryan contribute to the marketplace of ideas. What's the worst that can happen?

Will Schuester: Okay, guys, listen up. This is Mr. Ryan. He's a member of the school board, and he would like to say a few words. I-I just want you guys to listen critically and know that what he's saying is just one of many opinions.

Bryan Ryan: Take out a piece of paper. And on that paper, I want you to write down your biggest dream. A dream that means so much, you're afraid to admit it even to yourself. Your dream is never going to happen. 91% of you will spend your entire lives living in Allen County, Ohio. So unless you wrote down that your dream was to "work for a mid-market health insurance provider" or "find an entry level job in an elderly care facility," you're going to be very disappointed.

Mercedes Jones: This is really depressing.

Bryan Ryan: I'm going to guess that a lot of your dreams involve "showbiz." Well, let me tell you. Showbiz dreams are the most unrealistic of them all.

Tina Cohen-Chang: But... that's what I want to do with my life.

Bryan Ryan: Oh, look, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just trying to spare you disappointment.

Will Schuester: I think we get your point.

Bryan Ryan: Aw, well, Schuester here's a prime example. He used to have that glimmer of hope in his eyes that I can see right now in all of yours. But he couldn't make it happen for himself, so he now has to try and convince you all that it will happen for you. Guess what? His dream didn't work out. And neither will yours.

Will Schuester: Okay, you're done here.

Bryan Ryan: You would be wise to show me some respect.

Will Schuester: You've said your piece. Now get out.

Bryan Ryan: Well, Schuester, I should thank you. You've made my decision about which program to cut a lot easier.

Artie Abrams: Thanks.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Godard on Godard?

Artie Abrams: He was the master of the French New Wave. I was figuring that since I'm never going to become a star as a performer, maybe I could become one behind the camera. Did you know Christopher Reeve directed a movie after his accident? In the Gloaming.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Didn't see it.

Artie Abrams: Oh, me neither. Too depressing.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Is that what you wrote as your dream?

Artie Abrams: Before Bryan Ryan crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash? Yes.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Why are you lying to me? After everybody left, I went back for my book bag and something stopped me.

Artie Abrams: That was supposed to be private.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I don't understand you. You're always talking about wanting to get with me, but you won't be honest with me about your hopes and dreams.

Artie Abrams: I'm in a wheelchair, but I'm still a guy. What's the difference? I'm never going to actually become a dancer. My legs are never going to work again. It was stupid.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I was thinking— Mr. Schue is so busy dealing with Bryan Ryan that he didn't give us an assignment for the week. So, why don't we do one on our own. A dance number.

Artie Abrams: You want to dance with me?

Tina Cohen-Chang: You were pretty hot in "Proud Mary." Why don't we try and kick it up a few notches.

Jesse St. James: Hi.

Rachel Berry: Hi. How was your spring break?

Jesse St. James: Good. It's good to be back. What were you just rehearsing?

Rachel Berry: A guy came to Glee Club to talk to us about dreams. Luckily, I've known mine since I was four. I'm going to play three parts on Broadway— Evita, Funny Girl and Laurey in Oklahoma. I was just practicing her dream ballet with Curly. It's what I do when I'm feeling a little stressed.

Jesse St. James: That's not a dream. A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away. You singing, "Don't Cry For Me Argentina," in front of a sold-out crowd, isn't a fantasy. It's an inevitability.

Rachel Berry: I thought you'd never come back.

Jesse St. James: And miss all your drama? Never.

Jesse St. James: So what is it, your dream?

Rachel Berry: I don't know.

Jesse St. James: Well, then go inside, find it and ask it what it's gonna take.

Rachel Berry: Why are you pushing this?

Jesse St. James: Because you're my girlfriend, and I want to know all your secrets. When you lie awake at night, what's missing?

Rachel Berry: My mom.

Jesse St. James: Your mom? You mean like you want to meet her?

Rachel Berry: I just would like to know who she is. I don't really need to meet her or anything, but maybe just find out her name or... Something about her.

Jesse St. James: Hmm.

Rachel Berry: It's silly. It's not like it's going to happen or anything.

Jesse St. James: Why?

Rachel Berry: Well, just because my dad never told me anything, and I didn't want to ask them anything 'cause I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

Jesse St. James: So let's check it out without them knowing. Do you know why I came back to school here? To win another national title and make all your dreams come true. If this is one of them, then I'm not going to stop until it happens.

Artie Abrams: My tap wheels suck.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I thought we sounded pretty good.

Artie Abrams: You did. I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it. Will you bring me those? I borrowed them from John Hubner.

Tina Cohen-Chang: The kid with cerebral palsy?

Artie Abrams: They're his extra pair. Help me get up on them.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Have you ever used anything like these before?

Artie Abrams: No, but I have superhuman upper body strength from using my wheelchair. If I can just get up, I think I can use my arms to get around the room. Come on. You said we were going to kick it up a notch. Dreams aren't supposed to be easy. I'm going to try to take a step.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Okay. You're doing it. Are you okay?

Artie Abrams: Go away.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Let me bring your chair over.

Artie Abrams: Just go... away. You shouldn't have done this to me. You pushed me to do this.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm sorry.

Artie Abrams: Just go away, please. Go away.

Will Schuester: Hey, Bryan.

Bryan Ryan: Hello, Will. Just taking stock of the home ec supplies. You see, our home ec program teaches practical skills like food service preparation. Can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I mean, I suppose you could for a while, but... they'd be dead in a month. I'd like to buy you a beer.

Will Schuester: Oh. No, no. I want to convince you that you're wrong.

Bryan Ryan: You won't.

Will Schuester: Then... for old times' sake?

Rachel Berry: I found her.

Jesse St. James: Your mother? Where?

Rachel Berry: In the library. I've been researching her all morning, and as I suspected, my intuition has been proven correct. My mother is Broadway legend Patti Lupone. I've always had a deep connection to Ms. Lupone— her choice of roles and songs. I decided to do a little math to see if her being my mother was even possible. I was born December 18, 1994. 1994 was a big year for Mother. She was a sensation in Pal Joey. But that was in New York; I was born in Ohio, you say. Well, Mother took many breaks from the show to tour with Mandy Patinkin. That April found them at the EJ Thomas Hall in Akron, Ohio, for a standing room performance— nine months before I was born.

Jesse St. James: Are you saying that your fathers impregnated Patti LuPone in the Marriott in Akron? Was Mandy Patinkin in on this?

Rachel Berry: All you have to do is look at pictures of her in her performance in Master Class in 1996. Look at the pain in her eyes and the hurt she's feeling from giving up her obviously talented little girl.

Jesse St. James: One question: What was in it for her?

Rachel Berry: M-Money, a sense of charity for those in need? I don't know. Guess you're right. Do you want to hear my research that proves that my mother is Bernadette Peters?

Jesse St. James: Why are you so afraid about finding the truth?

Rachel Berry: I don't know, I guess I just don't want to think that my mother is some teenage trollop like Quinn, or worse, some skanky girl who would do anything for money, including giving me up.

Jesse St. James: Why does it have to be one of those choices? Maybe she had a really good reason for doing what she did. We need to do a real investigation. Like, CSI real. Do you have any baby stuff in your house, something that might give us a clue?

Rachel Berry: My fathers kept every piece of paper related to my life in files and cabinets in our basement. It's sort of a little Rachel Berry museum.

Jesse St. James: Perfect. We'll start there.

Will Schuester: You were a big deal at Mckinley. You had all the moves... You were one of those dudes where all the guys wanted to be you and all the girls wanted you.

Bryan Ryan: Not all of them.

Will Schuester: Really? All right, wh-who was the one that got away?

Bryan Ryan: Terri Delmonico. You remember her?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, she was, she was cool. Oh... I married her.

Bryan Ryan: No way.

Will Schuester: Yeah. It didn't really work out though.

Bryan Ryan: Wow. I'm sorry to hear that.

Will Schuester: She was great. I-I really loved her, and, you know, just... just grew apart. Do you know what gave me the strength to... finally get out of a terrible marriage? Music. Meeting those kids. Coaching Glee Club. No, you're right. I-I'm... I'm never going to be on Broadway. And maybe the same is going to go for most of those kids. But that's not the point. Glee Club— it's not just about expressing yourself to everyone else. It's about expressing yourself to yourself.

Bryan Ryan: I'm living a lie.

Will Schuester: What?

Bryan Ryan: I miss it so much! I am miserable. Ever since I stopped performing, I cannot stand my life! Three times a year, I tell my wife I'm going off to a business trip, I sneak out to New York, I see a bunch of Broadway shows. I have a box of Playbills hidden away in my basement, Will. Like porn. What are you doing?

Will Schuester: You remember? Sectionals, 1992. You sang this song alone on stage, just you and a piano. I mean, I... I know this isn't quite as theatrical, but you're gonna sing it again right now.

Bryan Ryan: I can't.

Will Schuester: Yes, you can.
# It's 9:00 on a Saturday #
# The regular crowd shuffles in #
# There's an old man sitting next to me #
# Making love to his tonic and gin #

Bryan Ryan: # He says, "Son, can you play me a memory? #
# "I'm not really sure how it goes #
# "But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete #
# When I wore a younger man's clothes" #

Will & Bryan: # La, la, la, de, de, da #
# La, la, de, de, da, da, dum #
# Sing us a song, you're the piano man #
# Sing us a song tonight #
# Well, we're all in the mood for a melody #
# And you've got us feeling all right #

Will Schuester: Whatever happened to you in the past, it's over. You've got to give it another shot. Lima Theatre Guild is doing a production of Les Miz. Auditions are Friday, and both of us are trying out. All right? Oh, oh, okay.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Hey. Sorry about yesterday.

Artie Abrams: No, I'm sorry. I do a pretty good job of being in denial about the hopelessness of my condition. I think I just kind of freaked out when I actually had to face it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Who says it's hopeless?

Artie Abrams: Like, every doctor I've ever seen.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe they're the wrong doctors. I went online and did some research about the new treatments on spinal cord injuries. Did you know that some doctors are implanting electrical stimulators in patients' bodies to recover hand movements?

Artie Abrams: My hands work.

Tina Cohen-Chang: They're just starting to develop the technology. But in a year, five years, who knows? And some scientists at UC San Diego were actually able to regenerate a rat's damaged spinal cord. There are hundreds of studies going on right now using stem cells. I guess I just wanted to tell you not to give up on your dream. If you can imagine it, it can come true.

Jesse St. James: What took you so long? Your dads will be home soon.

Rachel Berry: There was so much stuff in the basement, it's like a shrine. It's creepy and flattering at the same time. But these boxes had the earliest dates on them, so... My baby teeth.

Jesse St. James: Look.

Rachel Berry: Is that me?

Jesse St. James: Looks like you.

Rachel Berry: Oh.

Jesse St. James: I think you're in fifth position.

Rachel Berry: Makes sense. My dad says they used to play Vivaldi into my mother's belly. Put that there. My first singing competition. I came in first place.

Jesse St. James: You were eight months old.

Rachel Berry: I was very musically verbal. Cute little baby shoes.

Jesse St. James: What's this? "From Mother to Daughter."

Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, she wrote this. She held this in her hand. Wh-What are you doing?

Jesse St. James: Playing the tape.

Rachel Berry: No!

Jesse St. James: Why not? She wanted you to hear this.

Rachel Berry: I-I'm not ready. Look, this is all happening too fast. What if she's singing on the tape? What if she's terrible? Or worse, what if she's better than me?

Jesse St. James: I can't believe we're so close to your dream coming true, and you're running away from it.

Rachel Berry: No. It's, it's my choice. It's... It's my life, and... No, I'm-I'm not ready. Jesse, I think that you should go.

Woman: # The minute you walked in the joint #
# I could see you were a man of distinction #
# A real big spender #
# Good-looking... #

Will Schuester: Hey, buddy. Glad you showed up.

Bryan Ryan: Please don't distract me. I'm trying out for the role of Jean Valjean.

Will Schuester: So am I.

Bryan Ryan: Really?

Woman: # So let me get right to the point #

Bryan Ryan: What song do you plan on singing?

Will Schuester: I was going to sing "The Impossible Dream."

Bryan Ryan: Wow, really? Interesting. So am I.

Will Schuester: But then, I decided on Aerosmith's "Dream On." Yeah, me, too.

Bryan Ryan: That's what I'm gonna sing.

Will Schuester: Are you kidding me right...

Herb Duncan: Is there a problem out here?

Will Schuester: Yeah, there's a problem; this guy just stole my song!

Bryan Ryan: Uh, I don't know this man. His caretaker just stepped away. I overheard her mention he's a sex offender.

Will Schuester: Oh, you're gonna need a caretaker in a second, buddy.

Herb Duncan: I run a dry cleaners. I can only keep it closed for 30 minutes at a time.

Bryan Ryan: Thank you.

Herb Duncan: Sing it as a duet.

Will Schuester: # Every time that I look in the mirror #
# All these lines on my face getting clearer #
# The past is gone #
# It went by like dusk to dawn #
# Isn't that the way? #
# Everybody's got their dues in life to pay... #

Bryan Ryan: # Yeah, I know #
# Nobody knows #
# Where it comes and where it goes #
# I know everybody's sin #
# You got to lose to know how to win #
# Half my life's #
# In books' written pages #
# Lived and learned #
# From fools and from sages #
# You know it's true #
# All the things #
# Come back to you #

Will & Bryan: # Sing with me, sing for the year #

Bryan Ryan: # Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear #

Will Schuester: # Sing with me if it's just for today #

Will & Bryan: # Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you #
# Away-ay-ay... #

Will Schuester: # Yeah, dream on, dream on, dream on #
# Dream until the dream comes true-ue... ! #

Bryan Ryan: # Dream on, dream on, dream on, #
# Dream until your dream comes through! #
# Yeah, dream on #

Will Schuester: # Dream on #

Bryan Ryan: # Dream on #

Will Schuester: # Dream on #

Will & Bryan: # Dream on, dream on, dream on... #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! #

Herb Duncan: Thank you. We'll let you know.

Artie Abrams: I can't believe I just bought tap shoes.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Think of them as an investment in your future. Do you want a pretzel?

Artie Abrams: Hell, yes, woman.

Tina Cohen-Chang: They're upstairs. Do you mind waiting down here while I go get them?

Artie Abrams: As long as you're buying. Wait. I need to tell you something. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he started me on all of the therapies that you researched for me.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Really?

Artie Abrams: But guess what? They're working.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Artie, you can walk!

Artie Abrams: I've spent so many years dreaming about what I'd do if I could get up out of the chair. And now that I can, all I want to do is... dance.
# S... #
# A... #
# F... #
# E... #
# T... #
# Y #
# Safety Dance! #
# We can dance if we want to #
# We can leave your friends behind #
# 'Cause your friends don't dance #
# And if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine #
# I say we can go where we want to #
# A place where they will never find #
# And we can act like we come from out of this world #
# Leave the real one far behind #
# And we can dance #
# Dancez! #
# We can go where we want to #
# And that is young, and so am I #
# And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet #
# And surprise 'em with a victory cry #
# I say, we can act if we want to #
# Whoo! #
# If we don't, nobody will #
# And we can act real rude and totally removed #
# And I can act like an imbecile #
# I say, we can dance, we can dance #
# Everything's out of control #
# Whoo! #
# We can dance, we can dance, doing it from wall to wall #
# We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands #
# We can dance, we can dance #
# Everybody's taking the chan-an-ance #
# It's Safety Dance! #
# Well, it's Safety Dance! #
# It's Safety Dance! #
# We can dance if we want to #
# We've got all your life and mine #
# As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it #
# Everything'll work out right #
# Say, we can dance, we can dance #
# Everything's out of control #
# Out of control! #
# We can dance, we can dance, doing it from wall to wall #
# Wall to wall! #
# We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands #
# We can dance, we can dance #
# Everybody's taking the chan-an-ance # DANCERS: # With the Safety Dance, with the Safety Dance #
# With the Safety Dance #
# With the Safety Dance #
# Oh, it's Safety Dance #
# It's Safety Dance, it's Safety Dance #
# It's Safety Dance. #

Tina Cohen-Chang: You okay?

Artie Abrams: I'm gonna dance one day, you know.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I know you are.

Sue Sylvester: I thought you were gonna take a hatchet to that Glee Club.

Bryan Ryan: I was, but you may have heard, I plan on making my return to the stage next month in a local production of Les Miz, and I've had something of a personal awakening. So I've decided to examine all of the extracurricular activities here at this school, and Sue, your Cheerios budget is out of control.

Sue Sylvester: Let me remind you of something, Mr. Ryan. The Cheerios sell tickets.

Bryan Ryan: Not enough to offset your costs.

Sue Sylvester: I am very tired of athletics always taking a back seat. When daily P.E. was cut at this school, no one batted an eye. But cut a dance program, cancel the school musical, and suddenly there's an uproar.

Bryan Ryan: I did a little research, Sue. Did you know that studies have shown that reading Shakespeare might help kids learn physics? That singing helps you learn pitch, which makes learning a foreign language easier? That when a kid picks up a clarinet or a trumpet, every region of the cerebral cortex is stimulated? Well, that's all very interesting, but did you know that a third of American teenagers are obese, and only 2% of high schools require any form of daily physical activity? Where is your outrage about that, Mr. Ryan? Sports teach kids how to work together, teaches problem solving and social skills, it improves attendance, not to mention grades, particularly among those students deemed the most "at risk."

Sue Sylvester: You've done your homework.

Bryan Ryan: I'm an educator.

Sue Sylvester: Now, I realize my methods are unconventional, but my record speaks for itself. Is it a tad over the top to bill the district for skydiving lessons to have the Cheerios parachuted onto the football field? Perhaps. But what I do here makes a difference.

Bryan Ryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now, You ever heard of the term "anger sex"?

Sue Sylvester: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.

Bryan Ryan: I should tell you I'm married.

Sue Sylvester: Not a problem for me.

Bryan Ryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.

Sue Sylvester: You win some, you lose some.

Bryan Ryan: Should I lock the door?

Sue Sylvester: No. Got a secret room upstairs. Like Letterman.

Jesse St. James: She has the tape. She won't listen to it.

Shelby Corcoran: What? She has to listen to it. That's the point of all this.

Jesse St. James: I'm doing my best! Look, when you told me to seduce her...

Shelby Corcoran: "Befriend" her was the word I used, actually.

Jesse St. James: Whatever. The thing is, I was into it because I thought it would be a good acting exercise, but now I think I kind of like her. I don't want her to get hurt.

Shelby Corcoran: Look, one more week, this will all be done; you can come back to Vocal Adrenaline where you belong.

Jesse St. James: I don't understand why you don't just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name's Shelby. I'm your mom."

Shelby Corcoran: I signed a contract. I can't contact her until she's 18. She has to come to me. That's why she has to listen to the tape. Once she hears it, she won't be able to sleep until she finds me. I answered an ad in the paper. Nine months work here would make me enough money to live in New York for two years. Her dads seemed like nice guys, so I went for it. I never got to hold her. And I only saw her for a second when they were cleaning her off. It was through a bunch of nurses, but she turned her little head, and she looked at me. I've failed as an actress. My walls are lined with trophies instead of wedding pictures, but through all of of that... I only have one regret. You get her to listen to that tape.

Emma Pillsbury: You know, honestly, the only students that come and see me on a scheduled weekly basis are ones that have been diagnosed with psychological disorders, like a certain junior female that eats her own hair.

Artie Abrams: When I start walking, I'm gonna need help emotionally adapting to my drastically altered lifestyle.

Emma Pillsbury: Walking?

Artie Abrams: There are all these new therapies for my condition. I figure if I try them all, one's bound to work.

Emma Pillsbury: Um... You know, Artie, I have, um... You know, I've read your file before. Um... The damage to your spinal cord's pretty severe. Irreversible. I think you know that.

Artie Abrams: I used to know that until I saw the research.

Emma Pillsbury: Do you know how long the testing process takes for medical protocols like this? At least ten years, and-and that's before they even start human trials. So, you know, these... these studies really aren't even in their infancies yet. Look, I-I truly believe that there's gonna be a doctor that finds a cure for what happened to you, but I... You know, I don't think that's gonna be for... A long time. You know what? Um... maybe you're right. Maybe you should start coming to see me once a week for a while.

Artie Abrams: Thanks, Ms. Pillsbury.

Emma Pillsbury: Don't forget your, um, papers.

Bryan Ryan: Guys, I've got good news. I siphoned off funds from the Cheerios and I took a little shopping spree through the Jazzhands catalogue. You know why? 'Cause the arts matter. And I got custom-made New Directions jean jackets and some rad tearaway dancewear. Hello. And every piece of sheet music from every Broadway show for the last 50 years. Everything a show choir needs to become champions.

Will Schuester: Wow, that's just amazing. Let's all give a hand for Mr. Ryan.

Bryan Ryan: Thank you.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Sue Sylvester: Congratulations, Will. I'm over the moon for you.

Will Schuester: Thanks, Sue. I'm glad you have a good attitude about your budget being cut.

Sue Sylvester: No, no, I'm not talking about that. I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director, Herb Duncan, does the dry cleaning for the Cheerios and he let it slip that you just landed the lead in Les Miz! Congratulations. Oh, I'm ecstatic. And the good news just keeps coming, 'cause you got a part, too, Bry. The exciting role of Townsperson. And you got a line, too. Way back here in the second act, you get to say... "Hooray." Congratulations, both of you, really. I can't wait for opening night.

Will Schuester: Wait, Bryan.

Bryan Ryan: Congratulations, Will. You're going to be great in the show.

Will Schuester: Can we talk about this?

Bryan Ryan: Nothing to talk about. I'm cutting the program.

Bryan Ryan: Hooray! Hooray...

Will Schuester: Hey, Bryan. Can I talk to you for a second?

Bryan Ryan: Make it quick. I'm rehearsing. You know, reviewing my single line.

Will Schuester: I want to take one last shot at convincing you not to cut the program.

Bryan Ryan: Give it a rest, Will. You think you're helping these kids, when all you're doing is setting them up to be jaded and bitter.

Will Schuester: You're right. Cut the program, and they're certainly more likely to turn out like you.

Bryan Ryan: I've grown weary of your insults, Will. They sting, and they make me want to punch your face.

Will Schuester: You remember high school? Remember what it's like? Those kids get labeled the second they walk through the door freshman year. Geek, punk, jock, queer. I've seen who these kids in Glee Club really are. No labels, no preconceptions, their true spirits. Yes, most of them are not stars... But they shine like them. Do you know what happens when a star dies, Bryan? It doesn't just disappear. It turns into this black hole, this giant energy-sucking mass that doesn't just collapse in on itself; it takes away any light that comes close down with it. You take away Glee, you're not just putting out those kids' lights; you're creating 13 black holes. I want you to take my part. You should play Jean Valjean. I want you to understand how important the arts are for a person's soul. You're a black hole right now. Maybe this will help you remember what it's like to be a star.

Bryan Ryan: So, what you're saying is, you'll give me the part if I don't cut the program.

Will Schuester: Exactly.

Bryan Ryan: Cool. Deal. Oh, hey, sir. Hi. I'm your new lead, and, uh, I'd just like to set up some ground rules off the bat. First of all, I have a lot of ideas. And, uh, next, I don't really take direction.

Rachel Berry: Jesse, what are you doing here?

Jesse St. James: I said that I was going to help you make your dreams come true.

Rachel Berry: No. I'm not ready.

Jesse St. James: Yes, you are.

Shelby Corcoran: Hi, baby. It's your mom. I think this pretty much says it all.
# I dreamed a dream #
# In time gone by #
# When hope was high #
# And life worth living #
# I dreamed that love #
# Would never die #
# I dreamed that God #
# Would be forgiving #

Rachel Berry: # Then I was young #
# And unafraid #
# And dreams were made #
# And used and wasted #
# There was no ransom #
# To be paid #
# No song unsung #
# No wine untasted #

Shelby Corcoran: # But the tigers come at night #

Rachel Berry: # But the tigers come at night #

Shelby Corcoran: # With their voices soft as thunder #
# As they tear your hope apart #

Rachel Berry: # As they tear your hope apart #

Shelby Corcoran: # As they turn your dream #

Rachel & Shelby: # To shame... #

Rachel Berry: # And still I dream #
# She'll come to me #
# That we will live #
# The years together #
# But there are dreams #
# That cannot be #
# And there are storms #
# We cannot weather #

Rachel & Shelby: # I had a dream #
# My life would be #
# So different from this hell I'm living #
# So different now #
# From what it seemed #
# Now life has killed #
# The dream #
# I dreamed. #

Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie, please, think about this.

Artie Abrams: I have. You've worked too hard on this routine to have half a partner. Fact is, any of the guys in there could dance my part better than me without even rehearsing Well, except Finn.

Tina Cohen-Chang: But I want to dance with you.

Artie Abrams: I can't dance, and I never will. But... that's okay. I'm never going to dunk a basketball or kill a lion, either. I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true. I'm good, Tina. Really.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Will you at least sing the song?

Artie Abrams: Sure.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, listen up. Tina has something that she wants to share with all of us, but first, I have an announcement to make. You've all been reprieved. Bryan Ryan isn't cutting Glee.

Noah Puckerman: Did he die?

Will Schuester: No. He didn't die. He, uh, is going to be distracted for a couple months making his star turn in Les Miz. He got the lead role.

Quinn Fabray: But I thought you got the lead.

Will Schuester: I resigned. It was the price for keeping the club.

Finn Hudson: Sorry you had to do that, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: I'm not. You know, th-the way I see it, I'm trading my one dream for the chance that all 13 of you might find yours. I mean, come on— you can't argue with those numbers. So, let's start with Tina's dream. Come on up, Tina. Tina, I understand that you whipped up a little dance number for us— a breakout that we might use at Regionals.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Yes.

Will Schuester: You got a dance partner?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Mike Chang.

Will Schuester: Chang.

Artie Abrams: # Stars shining bright above you #
# Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you" #
# Birds singing in the sycamore tree #
# Dream a little dream of me #
# Say nighty-night and kiss me #
# Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me #
# While I'm alone and blue as can be #
# Dream a little dream of me #

New Directions: # Da-da-da, da-da-da #

Artie Abrams: # Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you #
# Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you #
# But in your dreams, whatever they be #
# Dream a little dream of me, dream a little dream of me. #

Tina Cohen-Chang: Am I in trouble?

Will Schuester: Come on. You've got more self-esteem than that. I think this might have something to do with your perfect attendance last semester.

Principal Figgins: No. Miss Cohen-Chang is in trouble. It has come to my attention that the look you sport is what is known as goth. American teens are coming down with a serious case of Twilight fever, transformed from normal children into vampires obsessed with the occult. And only yesterday, this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High.

Lauren Zizes: This is totally going to get Robert Pattinson's attention.

Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, hey. Oh, dear God!

Will Schuester: I don't mean to state the obvious, but you do know that vampires aren't real, right? They don't exist.

Principal Figgins: William, denial will not make this problem go away!

Tina Cohen-Chang: My parents won't even let me watch Twilight. My mom says she thinks Kristin Stewart seems like a bitch.

Principal Figgins: This is a serious problem! Miss Cohen-Chang, you've got to find yourself another style of dress!

Will Schuester: Hold on a second. Tina is shy and one way she's found to express herself is through her clothes. High school is an incredibly important time when kids get to explore who they are. When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.

Principal Figgins: Yes. For several years in my early 20s, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!

Tina Cohen-Chang: I think he thinks vampires are real.

Will Schuester: I think you're right.

Principal Figgins: Studies have shown that a strict dress code fosters a safe and stable learning environment with fewer instances of gang violence and vampirism. So, if I see you dressed in lacy demon clothes again, Tina Cohen-Chang, You will be suspended!

Carole Hudson: Step. Couple more.

Finn Hudson: Is there a car down here from me?

Carole Hudson: Honey, we're indoors.

Finn Hudson: Oh. Okay.

Carole Hudson: And open your eyes.

Kurt Hummel: Sparkling cider?

Carole Hudson: Yeah.

Finn Hudson: "Welcome home"? But who went somewhere?

Carole Hudson: Burt asked us to move in with them.

Finn Hudson: And this is how you're telling me?

Kurt Hummel: The party is my idea. If you're gonna say something, say it loud, right?

Burt Hummel: Yeah. It's gonna take some getting used to, but trust me, you're gonna love it, okay? Now you don't have to drag your tail over here every time you want to watch something on the old 55-incher. We got a lot of food - some ethnic food. It's some ethnicity, that's not ours.

Kurt Hummel: It's not ethnic.

Burt Hummel: Here you go.

Carole Hudson: Finn, this house is twice as big as ours. It has two bathrooms.

Burt Hummel: Two and a half.

Finn Hudson: I don't want an extra bathroom or a tuna crude. I just want my house back.

Kurt Hummel: I think I know what this resistance is about. Our room. And I couldn't agree more. The palate in here is totally unflattering to your skin tone. Not everyone can pull off Dior gray. We need to redecorate.

Finn Hudson: Wait, we're sharing a room? I'm not cool with that!

Carole Hudson: Baby, I know it's weird, okay? But can't be much of a surprise. And, in time, you're gonna be as happy as I am.

Burt Hummel: Yeah, look, I'll knock out a wall upstairs, I'll put an addition on, okay? But-but until then, maybe this will grease the wheels a bit, huh? Hey. Look, that's 300. Have at it. You redecorate this place.

Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, roomie. Mr. Ikea Catalog and I will have this all figured out. I am going to put together a palate that expresses who you are and who I want you to be.

Burt Hummel: Hey, what night's game night? You play Sorry?

Carole Hudson: You know...

Kurt Hummel: He will now.

Burt Hummel: I will beat you.

Artie Abrams: It's so weird.

Finn Hudson: This so isn't you.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.

Santana Lopez: Biker chick?

Finn Hudson: Cowgirl?

Mercedes Jones: Hood rat.

Quinn Fabray: Computer programmer.

Brittany S. Pierce: Cross-country skier.

Noah Puckerman: Catholic schoolgirl.

Brittany S. Pierce: Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Look, I appreciate it, guys, but it just isn't me. I know who I am, and I'm not allowed to show it. It's like communism.

Rachel Berry: Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie Abrams: Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel Berry: No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the Dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found 18 empty boxes of Christmas lights.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, no.

Rachel Berry: Which led me to . I asked them about red Chantilly lace. They were sold out.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my.

Will Schuester: Wait, what?

Kurt Hummel: They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes Jones: That's it. It's over.

Rachel Berry: Exactly.

Kurt Hummel: We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them.

Noah Puckerman: What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt Hummel: Lady Gaga is a woman. She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation. And she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's true.

Artie Abrams: It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them.

Will Schuester: Hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment : Gaga.

Rachel Berry: Pens, we need pens. My ideas just come to me.

Will Schuester: Uh, my office. Right there.

Rachel Berry: I'm brainstorming. It's coming.

Shelby Corcoran: And claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four...

Mercedes Jones: Think they can see us?

Quinn Fabray: If they catch us, are we gonna have to go to jail?

Rachel Berry: Stealing their ideas is not a crime.

Shelby Corcoran: ... Six, seven, eight. And one, two...

Rachel Berry: Your shoes are making noise.

Shelby Corcoran: ... And five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three, four, five, six and seven...

Rachel Berry: They look amazing.

Shelby Corcoran: ... Claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six- uh, uh... Okay, okay, okay, just... enough. You guys aren't getting it. You're letting the costumes do all the work. Theatricality isn't about crazy outfits. It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline. You have to light yourselves on fire to make it work.

Rachel Berry: Gosh, she's good.

Shelby Corcoran: But being theatrical doesn't mean you have to be a nuclear explosion. It can be like, like a quiet storm. You just have to radiate emotion, express what's deep inside you. That's what theatricality is truly about. Do I have to demonstrate? "Funny Girl," E flat.

Rachel Berry: Exactly what I would have done : Barbra. I could do it in my sleep.

Shelby Corcoran: # Funny #
# Did you hear that? #
# Funny #
# Yeah, the guy said, "Honey #
# You're a funny girl" #
# That's me #
# I just keep them in stitches #
# Doubled in half #
# And though I may be #
# All wrong for the guy #
# I'm good for a laugh #
# I guess it's not funny #
# Life is far from sunny #

Mercedes Jones: Where are you going?

Quinn Fabray: Get back here.

Shelby Corcoran: # When the laugh is over #
# And the joke's on you #
# A girl ought to have #
# A sense of humor #
# That's one thing #
# You really need for sure #
# When you're a funny girl #
# The fella said "a funny girl" #
# Funny #
# How it ain't so funny #
# Funny girl. #

Rachel Berry: Ms. Corcoran? I'm Rachel Berry. I'm your daughter.

Rachel Berry: Did you ever regret it?

Shelby Corcoran: Yes. Then no. Then so much.

Rachel Berry: W-When did you realize it was the right time for me to find you?

Shelby Corcoran: I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me.

Rachel Berry: Was it hard for you to not become a star? To not have your dreams come true?

Shelby Corcoran: It felt like a broken promise. Like the Fisher King's wound - never heals.

Rachel Berry: Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. Even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic, and yet we feel so comfortable with it.

Shelby Corcoran: I've missed so much. How do you feel?

Rachel Berry: Thirsty. When I was little and I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad or just thirsty.

Shelby Corcoran: I shouldn't have done this. This was supposed to feel good. W-We were supposed to have some kind of slow-motion run into each other's arms. This is all wrong.

Rachel Berry: Maybe we can just go to dinner or something just to get over the initial shock.

Shelby Corcoran: I'm so sorry, Rachel. Uh... I'll... I'll call you.

Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Finn, come on in. I'm learning all this amazing stuff about Lady Gaga. She's got this thing called the "Haus of Gaga," which is like, this collective of artists and designers who collaborate on, on her styles and stage sets and her music. I think it's an exciting model for what we could be doing in Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't want to do Lady Gaga. And I suspect that... with the exception of Kurt... that none of the other guys are gonna want to do it either. I just feel like we're always doing whatever the girls want us to do.

Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Maybe I haven't been listening to you guys hard enough. So let's find a solution.

Finn Hudson: Well, I, uh, I actually already have one.

Noah Puckerman: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rock star name.

Quinn Fabray: You want to name our daughter "Jack Daniels"? She's a girl!

Noah Puckerman: Okay, fine, whatever. Jackie Daniels.

Quinn Fabray: The name is not the point. I told you this. I'm giving up the baby so I don't have to do this with you. This is good for you. Now you can go off and be a rock star yourself.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I love wearing champagne bubbles! I get to express a whole different side of myself! Because even though I'm painfully shy and obsessed with death, I'm a really effervescent person.

Kurt Hummel: Excuse me! Were you dropped on your heads?!

Dave Karofsky: What was that?

Kurt Hummel: I think you heard me. I'm just saying. Pick on me - that's fine - but don't throw around a girl.

Azimio Adams: Well, you know, lately, we haven't been able to tell the difference. We're not gaga for Gaga.

Dave Karofsky: You dress all freaky, and then you rub it in everybody's faces. I don't want to look at it all day! It's weird. It makes my eyes tired.

Azimio Adams: If you want to switch it up a bit, just go from Gap to Banana Republic.

Kurt Hummel: It's called being theatrical. We're showing off who you are. It's the same thing you do when you go to school with your football uniforms on. You're expressing yourself, and we have every right to do the same.

Azimio Adams: Well, you know what? The next time you want to express yourself a little like a circus freak, don't be shocked when my fist feels like expressing itself against your chin! Okay? Knock that crazy fool crepe-paper nonsense offa you.

Dave Karofsky: Let's go.

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, you don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!

Azimio Adams: Watch your mouth, Hummel!

Dave Karofsky: And you know what, fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins.

Will Schuester: Little monsters, take a bow. All right! Ladies, Kurt, I am really, really impressed. Sientete. You know, you know what the best part is? Each one of those costumes shows off a different aspect of your personalities.

Noah Puckerman: Wait. Where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.

Mercedes Jones: Rachel kinda got some intense news yesterday.

Quinn Fabray: We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and...

Will Schuester: You guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what, what'd you find out?

Mercedes Jones: Okay, y'all ready? Miss Corcoran, their coach? She's Rachel's mom.

Will Schuester: Are you serious?

Artie Abrams: Way to bury the lead, Mercedes.

Noah Puckerman: We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline.

Rachel Berry: Never! I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look that expresses the longing for a childhood I was deprived of.

Brittany S. Pierce: You look terrible. I look awesome.

Mercedes Jones: I think it's the Kermit – the - Frog look.

Kurt Hummel: And we have a jumper.

Rachel Berry: Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on.

Will Schuester: Guys, why don't we worry about this later, and maybe try to focus on the song?

Rachel Berry: Couldn't agree more. Hit it!

Kurt Hummel: # Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! #
# Gaga, ooh-la-la! #
# Want your bad romance #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # I want your ugly, I want your disease #
# I want your everything as long as it's free #
# I want your love #
# Love, love, love, I want your love #

Mercedes Jones: # I want your psycho, your vertical stick #
# Want you in my rear window, baby, it's sick #
# I want your love #

New Directions: # Love, love, love, I want your love, love, love #
# I want your love #

Quinn Fabray: # You know that I want you #
# And you know that I need you #

Kurt Hummel: # Because I'm a freak, baby! #

Quinn Fabray: # I want it bad, bad romance #

New Directions: # I want your loving and I want your revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Oh-oh-oh-oh #
# I want your loving, all your love is revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa, oa-oa #
# Caught in a bad romance #
# Walk, walk, fashion, baby, work it #
# Move that thing, crazy walk, walk #
# Fashion, baby, work it #
# Move that thing, crazy walk, walk #
# Fashion, baby, work it, move that thing #
# Crazy walk, walk, passion, baby, work it #
# I'm a freak, baby #

Santana Lopez: # I want your love and I want your revenge #
# I want your love, I don't want to be bad #

New Directions: # Whoa-oa-oa-oa #

Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #

New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #

Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #

New Directions: # I want your loving and I want your revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa #
# I want your loving, all your love is revenge #
# You and me could write a bad romance #
# Whoa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa #

Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #

New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #

Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #

New Directions: # Whoa-oa-oa, oa-oa-oa #

Santana Lopez: # Want your bad romance #

New Directions: # Caught in a bad romance #
# Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! #
# Roma-Roma-ma-ah! #
# Gaga, ooh-la-la! #
# Want your bad romance. #

Will Schuester: All right!

Dave Karofsky: What up, Finn?

Azimio Adams: What's that on your face? You got a bad pimple or something?

Dave Karofsky: A Finn-ple? Dude, are you wearing makeup?

Azimio Adams: I knew it was contagious. You moved in with that little Kurt kid, and now you got a bad case of the gay.

Finn Hudson: It's just something for Glee Club, all right?

Dave Karofsky: Oh, well, then it's definitely not gay, huh?

Finn Hudson: Get out of my way!

Azimio Adams: Man, how many times do we got go through this?! You being a jock and being in this Glee Club does not make you versatile. It makes you bisexual.

Dave Karofsky: And if we have to kick your ass to make you understand that, then our schedules are wide open.

Azimio Adams: Get out of my bathroom. You girls, y'all belong across the hallway. Glee boy!

Shelby Corcoran: Yeah, that's better, guys. Take five. And, ladies, I don't want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem.

Rachel Berry: Mom?

Shelby Corcoran: Honey, you gotta stop sneaking into these rehearsals.

Rachel Berry: It's kind of important.

Shelby Corcoran: Oh, dear God.

Rachel Berry: My dads can't sew. I really need a mom right now. Do you think you can help?

Rachel Berry: Sorry I'm late.

Mercedes Jones: Whoa, looking good, Rachel!

Rachel Berry: Thanks. My mom made it.

Will Schuester: Well, we're all here, so without further ado, I'd like to introduce The Boys!

Artie Abrams: Lima, Ohio, get ready to rock!

Finn Hudson: # Well, the night is young and you want some fun #
# Do you think you're gonna find it? #

New Directions: # Think you're gonna find it? #

Noah Puckerman: # You got to treat yourself like number one #
# Do you need to be reminded? #

New Directions: # Need to be reminded? #

Artie Abrams: # It doesn't matter what you do or say #
# Just forget the things that you've been told #
# We can't do it any other way #
# Everybody's got to rock and roll #

New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, ooh ! #
# Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #
# Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #

Finn Hudson: # If you don't feel good #
# There's a way you could #
# Don't sit there broken-hearted #

New Directions: # Sit there broken-hearted! #

Finn Hudson: # Call all your friends in the neighborhood #
# And get the party started #

New Directions: # Get the party started #
# Don't let 'em tell you that there's too much noise #
# They're too old to really understand #
# You'll still get rowdy #
# With the girls and boys #
# 'Cause it's time for you to take a stand #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Yeah! Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #

Noah Puckerman: # You got to have a party #

New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #

Finn Hudson: # Turn it up louder #

New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #

Finn Hudson: # Oh, yeah-yeah! #

New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #

Finn Hudson: # Hear it getting louder #

New Directions: # Shout it, shout it #
# Shout it out loud! #

Will Schuester: All right, guys, very impressive. Very, very... loud. But what, uh, what does that performance express? And what do those costumes illustrate?

Mike Chang: We did our research, Mr. Schue.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, Finn's demon look is because Gene Simmons liked comic books as a kid, and they called Paul Stanley the "Star Child" because he was a romantic or something. But that doesn't really explain my whore lips.

Artie Abrams: And my Ace Frehley is supposed to be a spaceman from another planet. Mike's iconic catman is because Peter Criss claimed to have nine lives.

Matt Rutherford: Yeah, and I'm dressed as the guy who replaced Artie when he quits.

Will Schuester: Well, congratulations, guys. Job well done. Let's give it up for the boys!

Kurt Hummel: I thought the boy's KISS number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired.

Tina Cohen-Chang: And Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing.

Dave Karofsky: We warned you.

Azimio Adams: Now Gaga's got to go.

Kurt Hummel: Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit?

Finn Hudson: Are you serious? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends.

Kurt Hummel: Let them think what they want. They're Neanderthals. In three years, they'll be cleaning my septic tank.

Finn Hudson: Don't you get it? It's not just them. We live in Ohio - not New York or San Francisco or some other city where people eat vegetables that aren't fried. I don't understand why you always need to make such a big spectacle of yourself. Why can't you just work harder at blending in?

Kurt Hummel: I'm sure that'd be easier for you.

Finn Hudson: You know, it would.

Kurt Hummel: You are such a boy. You're going to have to use a moist towelette if you want to get that makeup off.

Finn Hudson: Don't touch me!

Kurt Hummel: What is your problem, Finn? It's just a moist towelette!

Finn Hudson: I'm gonna finish in the laundry room.

Kurt Hummel: Grow up, Finn!

Shelby Corcoran: I know why you called, and don't worry about it. My reconnection with Rachel is not some kind of plot to mess with you guys before regionals.

Will Schuester: I'm not worried about regionals. It's Rachel. She's special. She's got all of the best of you. She's strong-willed, dramatic, wildly talented.

Shelby Corcoran: Go on.

Will Schuester: But she's not hard like you. She's fragile. Over-emotional. And she's clearly convinced herself that you are as committed to this reunion as she is. And I don't think you are. You're not prepared to have a teenage daughter. Are you?

Shelby Corcoran: I can't have any more kids. There were issues a few years back. Then some surgery, and that's that. I really wanted a daughter. That's why it was so important to me to make that bond with her. But you're right. I wanted my baby back. Rachel's an adult now. She doesn't need me.

Will Schuester: Shelby, I can't tell you what to do... But if you really love her, you have to tell her what you just told me.

Kurt Hummel: I had to skip school to finish it, but I think you're really going to like it. Consider it a peace offering after all the yelling that we've been doing. I used Marlene Dietrich and Gary Cooper in Morocco as my inspiration. It's a perfect blend of the masculine and the feminine, the muted and the theatrical.

Finn Hudson: Are you freaking insane? I can't live here. I'm a dude. What the hell is that supposed to be?

Kurt Hummel: It's a privacy partition. It's all I could find on such short notice. Why are you getting angry about everything? I worked hard on this.

Finn Hudson: That's not a privacy partition! Why is it so hard for you to understand? I don't want to get dressed in front of you! Do you know that I put my underwear on in the shower before I come out when you're around? I just... I don't want to have to worry about that kind of stuff in my own room, man.

Kurt Hummel: And what stuff are you referring to?

Finn Hudson: You know. You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Why can't you just accept that I'm not like you?

Kurt Hummel: I have accepted that.

Finn Hudson: No, you haven't. You think I don't see the way you stare at me? How flirty you get. You think I don't know why you got so excited that we were going to be moving in together?

Kurt Hummel: It's just a room, Finn! We can redecorate it if you want to!

Finn Hudson: Okay, good. Well, then the first thing that needs to go is that faggy lamp. And then we need to get rid of this faggy couch cover...

Burt Hummel: Hey! What did you just call him?

Finn Hudson: Oh, no, no, I didn't call him anything. I was talking to the blanket.

Burt Hummel: If you use that word, you're talking about him.

Kurt Hummel: Relax, Dad. I didn't take it that way.

Burt Hummel: Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. You use the "N" word?

Finn Hudson: Of course not.

Burt Hummel: How about "retard"? You call that nice girl in Cheerios! With Kurt, you call her a retard?

Finn Hudson: Becky-- no. She's my friend. She's got Down syndrome. I'd never call her that. That's cruel.

Burt Hummel: But you think it's okay to come into my house and say "faggy"?

Finn Hudson: That's not what I meant...

Burt Hummel: I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice, we'd tell him to stop being such a fag. Shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club and being raised by your mom meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kind of, you know, came into the world knowing what has taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry, Finn, but you can't... you can't stay here.

Kurt Hummel: Dad.

Burt Hummel: I love your mom. And maybe this is going to cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. This is our home, Kurt. He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want, but not under my roof. The place looks great.

Kurt Hummel: You look like you should be in orbit.

Tina Cohen-Chang: My balls keep fallinoff.

Kurt Hummel: I've been there.

Finn Hudson: I want to talk about this.

Kurt Hummel: There's not much to say. I feel sorry for you. I thought you were different.

Finn Hudson: I am different.

Will Schuester: All right, let's get things started.

Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue. There's something I want to say to Quinn. And I want everybody to hear it.

Will Schuester: All right.

Noah Puckerman: At first I didn't really get this theatrical assignment, being larger than life and putting it all out there, 'cause I'm kind of like that all the time. That's how my dad was, too. He was too busy being all crazy and rock and roll to be there for his kid. And you know what? I didn't care that my dad was a badass. I just wanted him to be there. And he never was. And then I learned all this KISS stuff and while Jackie Daniels is a great name for like a powerboat or something, it's not right for a baby girl. So if my KISS mates will help me out, I got a better idea. Grab a stool, guys.
# Beth, I hear you calling #
# But I can't come home right now #
# Me and the boys are playing #
# And we just can't find the sound #

New Directions: # Just a few more hours #
# And I'll be right home to you #
# I think I hear them calling #
# Oh, Beth, what can I do? #
# Beth, what can I do? #

Finn Hudson: # You say you feel so empty #
# That our house just ain't our home #
# I'm always somewhere else #
# And you're always there alone #

New Directions: # Just a few more hours #
# And I'll be right home to you #
# I think I hear them calling #
# Oh, Beth, what can I do? #
# Beth, what can I do? #

Noah Puckerman: # Beth, I know you're lonely #
# And I hope you'll be all right #
# 'Cause me and the boys will be playing all night #
# All night. #

Noah Puckerman: I know you're giving her up, but before you do, I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her.

Shelby Corcoran: So, how'd your dads come up with the name "Rachel"?

Rachel Berry: They were, um, big Friends fans. I know why you're here... to say good-bye.

Shelby Corcoran: I really wanted this to work. Do you know what really turned me? That story that you told me about your dads, and how they'd bring you water when you were sad. We're never gonna have anything like that. It's too late for us. I just think that anything we share right now is gonna be confusing for you.

Rachel Berry: I just don't understand. You're my mom. I feel awful right now, and I should want to just fall into your arms and let you rock me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, but... I just don't feel it.

Shelby Corcoran: It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom.

Rachel Berry: So what? Do we just pretend we don't know each other now?

Shelby Corcoran: That seems silly. Let's just be grateful for one another... from afar. For a while. Don't think for a second I'm gonna go soft on you during regionals.

Rachel Berry: Bring it.

Shelby Corcoran: Can I have a hug good-bye?

Rachel Berry: Sure.

Shelby Corcoran: Can you do me one more favor? Sometime when you're thirsty... Can you get yourself some water from this cup? Gold stars are kinda my thing.

Rachel Berry: Of course. Shelby... before you go, will... will you sing with me? Just one time. It's sort of a fantasy of mine, and it would really mean a lot to me.

Shelby Corcoran: I would be honored.

Rachel Berry: Brad! He's always just around. Um, take that. Here you go.
# I want to hold 'em like they do in Texas, please #
# Fold 'em, let 'em hit me, raise it #
# Baby, stay with me #
# Love the game, and intuition #
# Play the cards with spades to start #
# And after he's been hooked #
# I'll play the one that's sewn his heart #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh #
# I'll get him hot and show him what I got #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh #
# Oh-oh, oh, I'll get him hot #
# And show him what I got #

Shelby Corcoran: # Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #

Rachel Berry: # She's got to love nobody #

Shelby Corcoran: # Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #

Rachel & Shelby: # She's got to love nobody #
# Poker face, p-p-poker face #
# P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face #

Shelby Corcoran: # I want to roll with him #
# A hard pair we will be #
# A little gambling is fun #
# When you're with me #
# Russian roulette is not the same without a gun #
# And, baby, when it's love #
# If it ain't rough, it isn't fun #

Rachel & Shelby: # Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-uh-oh-oh, oh #
# I'll get him hot #

Shelby Corcoran: # Show him what I got #
# Can't read my #

Rachel Berry: # Can't read my #

Rachel & Shelby: # No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody #
# Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody #

Shelby Corcoran: # I won't tell you that I love you #
# Kiss or hug you #
# 'Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin #
# I'm not lying #
# I'm just stunnin' with love-glue-gunnin' #

Rachel Berry: # Just like a chick in the casino #
# Take your bank before I pay you out #

Shelby Corcoran: # I promise this, I promise this #
# Check this hand #
# 'Cause I am marvelous #
# I'm marvelous #

Rachel Berry: # I'm marvelous #

Rachel & Shelby: # I'm marvelous #
# So marvelous #
# She's got to love nobody #
# Can't read my, can't read my #
# No, he can't read my poker face #
# She's got to love nobody. #

Shelby Corcoran: You are really, really good.

Artie Abrams: It's the end of the week. We were kinda hoping to learn what the lesson of the assignment was.

Will Schuester: Well, um... You guys have had some great numbers this week, but I'm not totally sure that I know either.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I do. I refuse to dress like somebody I'm not to be somebody I'm not. And I learned it's good to be a little theatrical.

Tina Cohen-Chang: So here's what's going to happen. My dad - he's the king of the vampires. And Asian vampires are the most vicious of all the vampires. You're going to let me wear my lady demon clothes, or my dad will fly into your bedroom and bite your face off. He's really pissed. Is that what you want?

Principal Figgins: No, I don't want that. I'm afraid.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Now I have to go back to my coffin because the light is burning my eyes!

Will Schuester: There she is.

Artie Abrams: Wait. Where's Kurt? And where's Finn?

Kurt Hummel: Fine. You want to hit me? You want to beat me up? Go ahead. But I swear to you. I will never change. I'm proud to be different. I t's the best thing about me. So go ahead, hit me.

Azimio Adams: I believe I will. Sir, would you like to go first?

Finn Hudson: You're not hitting anyone.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God.

Azimio Adams: Is he wearing a red rubber dress or am I trippin'?

Finn Hudson: I want to thank you, Kurt. I realize I still have a lot to learn, but the reason I'm here right now... In a shower curtain, is... Because of you. And I'm not going to let anyone lay a hand on you.

Dave Karofsky: Oh, really, dude? 'Cause I'm pretty sure we can take both of you.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah? But can you take all of us?

Azimio Adams: Okay. Okay, I get it. I took biology. You know what, Karofsky? We done disturbed the freak hive. The worker freaks is trying to protect the queen freak.

Dave Karofsky: Next time... We'll bring some friends, too.

Rachel Berry: I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks.

Mercedes Jones: Take a look at us. We are freaks.

Finn Hudson: But we're all freaks together. And we shouldn't have to hide it.

Will Schuester: Nice job, Finn. I think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I had planned it. But Mercedes is right, you do all look incredibly insane.

New Directions: Thank you. Thank you.

Will Schuester: You're so welcome. Anyways, let's get back to work before you're all forced to join the circus. Next stop? Regionals.

Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee: Regionals is coming up and Jesse's left the glee club, and though it seems like which is confusing.

Jesse St. James: I think I kind of like her. I don't want her to get hurt.

Ian Brennan: Quinn's preggo and feels like she's totally alone. And Sue won't leave Will alone as the poor guy's trying to get over divorcing his terrible wife, Terri. I mean, she's not terrible. She's just kind of... you know, terrible.

Terri Schuester: Sorry.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Mercedes Jones: Is it just me, or does it feel like we have a real shot at Regionals next month?

Artie Abrams: The Ohio Show Choir chat rooms have all been buzzing about how Vocal Adrenaline has lost a step.

Kurt Hummel: I agree— the judges know all of their tricks and now that we have Jesse, they've lost their best performer.

Rachel Berry: You guys have to come to the auditorium— it's an emergency!

Rachel Berry: Jesse? What are you doing up there with them?

Jesse St. James: I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas.

Finn Hudson: Why are you here in our auditorium?

Jesse St. James: The blogs and the chat rooms say that we're finished, and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you a something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.

Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #

Jesse St. James: # Ooh, let's go. #
# Steve walks warily down the street #
# With the brim pulled way down low #
# Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet #
# Machine gun's ready to go #
# Are you ready? #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Hey #

Jesse St. James: # Are you ready for this? #
# Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? #
# Out of the doorway the bullets rip #
# To the sound of the beat #
# Yeah #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #

Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #

Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust #
# How do you think I'm gonna get along #
# Without you when you're gone? #
# You took me for everything that I had #
# And kicked me out on my own #
# Are you happy? #
# Are you satisfied? #
# How long can you stand the heat? #
# Out of the doorway the bullets rip #
# To the sound of the beat, look out #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Bom-bom-bom #

Jesse St. James: # Another one bites the dust. #

Giselle: Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys. It's quaint.

Artie Abrams: It's a Carmel High tradition. They psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show. They call it a funkification. Meaning they show us what they've got, and we spiral into a deep black funk.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams. You know, try and get inside their head before a big game, pull little pranks to intimidate them.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, well, the difference was our football team sucked. Those guys are golden.

Kurt Hummel: Come on, keep your heads up, guys. It's going to take more than that to get us into a funk.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I feel so violated. It's like someone broke into our home.

Will Schuester: Look, it was just a lame little prank. And the fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got them spooked.

Mercedes Jones: Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know, which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?

Sue Sylvester: I gave 'em all keys. Helped them do a sound check over the weekend. Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit.

Will Schuester: Sue, what are you doing?

Sue Sylvester: I can't talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at Regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex. You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.

Will Schuester: Sue, get out of my room.

Sue Sylvester: Glee Clubbers, for you those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Acutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee Club will be finished. Now how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at Regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed.

Will Schuester: Sue, can I see your trophy?

Sue Sylvester: Sure, Will. Hope and dream.

Will Schuester: You dropped your trophy, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent. Enjoy your last few days here. This room is mine.

Peter Gow: So you sign here, and here. And you sign here and here. Well... by the power vested in me by the bar association of the great State of Ohio, I know pronounce you no longer husband and wife. Mazel tov.

Terri Del Monico: You're still that 16-year-old boy to me. You always will be.

Will Schuester: All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?

Rachel Berry: Giving my heart to Jesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.

Quinn Fabray: Thinking "trust me" was a sensible birth control option.

Will Schuester: We all have them. I just finalized my divorce. I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working. Letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back.

Santana Lopez: Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?

Will Schuester: Because if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals, none of us are going to regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition. Which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.

Quinn Fabray: So you want us to TP their choir room?

Will Schuester: Whatever the better, cooler version of that is. Like, uh, maybe-maybe we should steal their school statue.

Kurt Hummel: Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.

Will Schuester: Okay, how about this one. All right, we get like...

Noah Puckerman: Everyone knows this is going to come down to me. Revenge, fear, the merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. First time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old. Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason, but we both know that defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I did it. And I'm proud. All I did was step up and be a man. They got what was coming to them.

Shelby Corcoran: A few of my students TP'd your choir room. You slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all 26 of my performers. Those were gifts for our win at Sectionals. That's 200 times 26 times four equals... I don't have a calculator.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, you bought all your kids Range Rovers?

Shelby Corcoran: We have a very active booster club.

Will Schuester: Look, nobody got hurt. It was a harmless prank.

Sue Sylvester: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.

Principal Figgins: Enough. These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.

Shelby Corcoran: Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges... as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.

Will Schuester: That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.

Finn Hudson: We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.

Shelby Corcoran: Fine.

Principal Figgins: Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and magnanimous as you are beautiful.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Sue Sylvester: Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.

Sandy Ryerson: Are you want to take a trip down that rabbit hole, William?

Will Schuester: I'm willing to try anything, Sandy. I'm just really depressed.

Sandy Ryerson: I don't sell to the clinically depressed. You'll throw yourself off a parking garage and I can't have that on my conscience. I used to coach that glee club. I know what you're up against. You think Carmel High didn't put the fear of God in me?

Will Schuester: I don't know how we can possibly beat them. Glee is hanging by a thread. William, the answer is right in front of your face, but you can't see it because you're in too big of a funk. Vocal Adrenaline has a weakness.

Will Schuester: Funk. Use it in a sentence. Come on. Rachel.

Rachel Berry: This cheese smells funky.

Noah Puckerman: That's because it's "from-unda" cheese.

Rachel Berry: Shut it, Puckerman!

Will Schuester: Okay, okay. I was thinking more along the lines of... Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.

Kurt Hummel: I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.

Will Schuester: What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-Funk. We are going to get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine, a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. Its passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn Mckinley High into... Funky town!

Mercedes Jones: You guys can relax, I got this one covered.

Will Schuester: Cool.

Quinn Fabray: Hold on a second. I-I want a chance to get funky, too.

Mercedes Jones: Good one, Quinn. It even sounds funny when you say it.

Quinn Fabray: You said funk was about soul and anger. I have plenty of both. Look at me. Look at my life. I'm furious!

Mercedes Jones: Let's be honest. When white people try to be funky, you end up with KC and the Sunshine Band.

Artie Abrams: I love "Boogie Shoes."

Quinn Fabray: Mercedes' racism aside, I will have something prepared tomorrow.

Will Schuester: All right, Quinn goes first. Rachel, can I see you in my office?

Will Schuester: You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard.

Rachel Berry: I want him to be eaten by a lion.

Will Schuester: Jesse, cared about you.

Rachel Berry: No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; You destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.

Will Schuester: Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.

Sue Sylvester: William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.

Will Schuester: Yeah, no worries, Sue. I'll just find someplace else to... Oh, wow.

Sue Sylvester: What?

Will Schuester: It-it's nothing. It's just... It's just the way the light hit you just now, you looked stunning. No, you're radiant.

Sue Sylvester: Well, the week before Nationals every year, I have a placenta mask right after a rigorous session of microdermabrasion.

Will Schuester: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up because you have never looked better.

Sue Sylvester: Well, if you'll excuse me, I should... I got stuff to do, so...

Will Schuester: Yeah, um... Look, Sue, I gotta ask your advice about something. I know I make it seem like I-I know what I'm doing, but everyone knows you're the kingmaker around here. I mean, you're this school's arbiter of taste.

Sue Sylvester: Continue.

Will Schuester: We're doing this funk number for Regionals, and I wanted to pick your brain about it. I-I just wanted to know if it's too suggestive. And I only need two minutes of your time. Okay.
# You ain't got no kind of feeling insi-ide #
# Oh, whoa-oa-oa #
# And I got something #
# That will sure 'nuff set your stuff on fire #
# Oh, oh-oh #
# You refuse to put anything before your pride #
# Oh, oh-oh... #
# What I got will knock all your pride aside #
# Tell me something good #
# Tell me that you love me, yeah #
# Tell me something good #
# Tell me, tell me, tell me #
# That you like it, yeah #
# "Got no time" is what you're known to say-ay #
# Tell me something good #
# Oh, tell me, oh, tell me, yeah-eah! #
# Tell me that you love me, yeah #
# I like it, I like it, yeah-eah #
# Tell me something good! #
So... You feel anything there?

Sue Sylvester: No.

Will Schuester: Was I... too dirty?

Sue Sylvester: I didn't notice. I was bored. Okay.

Terri Del Monico: Right, left, and flip, okay?

Noah Puckerman: Can I go shirtless under this apron?

Terri Del Monico: Look, I only hired you two losers because I'm desperate to increase my quarterly sales and you'll work for less than immigrants. As I'm you know, Mr. Schuester and I are now officially divorced. I mean, I'm sure he talks about it all the time. Anyway, I'm on my own now. And I need to make manager by the end of the year so that I can maintain my lifestyle.

Howard Bamboo: Terri, that guy who gave me Bell's palsy is back again today.

Terri Del Monico: So... Help him. He's our best customer.

Howard Bamboo: You need to go help him.

Finn Hudson: But she just told you to do it.

Howard Bamboo: I have got seniority over you two losers, which means you have to do what I say.

Noah Puckerman: Well, then I need to kick your ass.

Sandy Ryerson: Bamboo... ! You two... Apron boys.

Noah Puckerman: You're not gonna fondle us, are you, Mr. Ryerson?

Sandy Ryerson: I've recently redone my bathroom as an homage to Miss Jayne Mansfield. Pink! It's all pink! This is amaranth pink. I need rose pink.

Finn Hudson: But this is all the pink that we have.

Sandy Ryerson: Wrong answer. Did they change the name of this place to Losers N' Things? Did everyone in the whole world die so they had to give these jobs to you two morons? And where's my Muzak?! How am I supposed to shop without my Kenny G? Let's go! Crank it!

Noah Puckerman: # In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey #
# Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie #
# With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables #
# Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose #

Finn Hudson: # Kill the headlights and put it in neutral #
# Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control #
# Baby's in Reno with the Vitamin D #
# Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love seat #

Noah Puckerman: # Someone keeps saying I'm insane #
# To complain about a shotgun wedding #
# And a stain on my shirt #

Finn Hudson: # Don't believe everything that you breathe #
# You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve #
# So shave your face with some mace in the dark #

Noah & Finn: # Savin' all your food stamps #
# Aand burnin' down the trailer park #

Howard Bamboo: # Yo. #

Finn Hudson: # Cut it. #

Sheets-N-Things: # Soy, un perdedor #
# I'm a loser, baby #
# So why don't you kill me? #
# So why don't you kill me? #

Terri Del Monico: I thought Jews were supposed to be smart. Go restack the space heaters.

Will Schuester: Mrs. Schuester, can you show me how to fold this sham again?

Finn Hudson: Mrs. Schuester?

Terri Del Monico: Oh. I'm sorry. Yes, sure. Of course. How old are you?

Finn Hudson: Sixteen.

Terri Del Monico: Oh.

Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, Something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings. Oh, it all makes sense now, Journal. True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past, I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.

Will Schuester: Sue, you got a sec?

Sue Sylvester: Yes, William. How can I help you?

Will Schuester: I, uh, I wanted to bring you these. I snuck a peek at your tracksuit this morning, and I got these to match.

Sue Sylvester: Those are cheap gas station flowers. I-I have no interest.

Will Schuester: Okay. But I also got you these. A tub of Extreme Challenge Lifestyle CarboGels. I had to drive to Dayton to get your favorite flavor. Appletini.

Sue Sylvester: Appletini.

Will Schuester: I don't get it either, Sue, but you can't deny that we have chemistry. My divorce opened my eyes to a world of possibilities. I thought I'd finally have the chance to have all the things I'd ever wanted. And then I realized, the only thing I want... is Sue. You have Nationals this Saturday, right?

Sue Sylvester: Why do you ask?

Will Schuester: Because I'd like to take you to dinner this week. How's Wednesday night? Breadstix? Good. Oh... You know what Wednesday is, right? Hump day.

Finn Hudson: I'm sorry, Mrs. Schuester, my heart's not in this. This whole Vocal Adrenaline thing's really getting me down, and we have to come up with this funk number for Glee, and I have like, less-than-zero ideas, and I...

Terri Del Monico: Glee?! God! This club is like toxic mold on my life. I'm sorry. What am I doing? This is exactly how I destroyed my marriage. I have this compulsive need to crush other people's dreams.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, that's what Mr. Schue said. I mean, I think you're awesome, though. I mean, look how hard you've been working to try and help me fold a sham. Well... and you'd be a total MILF if it weren't for the whole faking-the-mother thing.

Terri Del Monico: You're very sweet. You could be my second chance. I'm gonna change. I don't have to stay in this post-divorce funk forever, right?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, right, I guess.

Terri Del Monico: Well, then I am going to help you with your Glee assignment. Okay, you said you needed a funk song, right?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Terri Del Monico: Okay, so, we'll type "funk" into the iTunes, and we'll see what comes up.

Finn Hudson: I never thought of that.

Terri Del Monico: Oh, Howard, I'm promoting Finn to assistant assistant manager. You'll report to him from now on. Do you have a problem with that?

Finn Hudson: Wow, thanks.

Terri Del Monico: I believe in you, Finn.

Will Schuester: Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side. So, take it away.

Quinn Fabray: For some of us... just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer. When you're pregnant, you're responsible for two lives. And you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the man.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there.

Quinn Fabray: Hearing people call you fat. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say no.

Artie Abrams: This is offensive. Who are these girls?

Quinn Fabray: We're the "Unwed Mothership Connection." And that's what we're here to sing about.
# This is a man's world #
# This is a man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing #
# Nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # You see #
# Man made the cars #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ah #

Quinn Fabray: # To take us over the road #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ah #

Quinn Fabray: # Man made the train #
# To carry the heavy loads #
# Man made the boat for the water #
# Like Noah made the ark #
# This is a man's, man's, man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # He-he-he-hoo-hoo-hoo. #
# Without a woman or a girl #
# He-he-he-hoo-hoo-hoo. #

Quinn Fabray: # Man thinks about a little baby girls #
# And the baby boys #
# And after man make everything, everything he can #
# You know that man makes money #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # He makes money #

Quinn Fabray: # To buy from other man #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # To buy from other man #

Quinn Fabray: # This is a man's world #
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing #
# Not one little thing #
# Nothing #
# Without a woman or a girl #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # He's lost #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # In bitterness #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # He's lost #
# Lost somewhere #

Unwed Mothership Connection: # Ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # In loneliness. #

Waitress Sandy: You're going to have to order something.

Sue Sylvester: My date will be here any minute.

Waitress Sandy: Your date's not coming. You got stood up.

Will Schuester: Right on time.

Sue Sylvester: How dare you?! You led me on. You told me you had feelings for me, then you ask me out, you don't show up, humiliating me. In public.

Will Schuester: Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that. You meddled around in my marriage, you terrorize the glee club, you continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma. I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention. I have no interest in dating you, Sue. You're a bully and you're mean to kids.

Sue Sylvester: I'm mean to everyone.

Will Schuester: Yeah, well, fine. Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Sue Sylvester: This is uncalled for, William.

Will Schuester: Good night, Sue.

Will Schuester: Santana, are you all right? What... ? Kurt, what is going on around here?

Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed. We haven't had practice in days. I'm fine because I have Glee, but these girls have sort of lost it. No Nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships. And the rest are just depressed and confused.

Brittany S. Pierce: Please, please, love me, please.

Kurt Hummel: It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester— she doesn't need another trophy— but some of these girls, they really do.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk. With a little help from our special guest Mercedes.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Whoo.

Artie Abrams: Yeah.

Noah Puckerman: Fasten your seat belts, people. It's going to be a funky ride.
# Yeah #
# Can you feel it, baby? #

Finn Hudson: # Come on, swing it #
# Come-come on, swing it #
# Come on, swing it #
# Come-come on, swing it #

Noah Puckerman: # Yo, it's about that time #
# To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme #
# I'm gonna get mine, so get yours #
# I want to see sweat comin' out your pores #

Finn Hudson: # On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this #
# Strictly hip-hop, boy, I ain't singing this #
# Bringing this to the entire nation #
# Black, white, red, brown, feel the vibration #

Man: # Vibration #

Noah & Finn: # Come on, feel the vibration #

Man: # Vibration #

Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #

Noah Puckerman: # The vibrations good like Sunkist #
# Many wanna know who done this #
# Pucky Puck and I'm here to move you #
# Rhymes will groove you and I'm here to prove to you #
# That we can party on the positive side #
# And pump positive vibes, so come along for the ride #
# Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation #
# So feel the vibration #

Man: # Vibration #

Noah & Finn: # Come on, feel the vibration #

Man: # Vibration #

Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #

Noah Puckerman: # Finnie D, break it down. #

Man: # Down, down, down, down #

Finn Hudson: # Finnie D's on the back up #
# Drug free, so put the crack up #
# No need for speed, I'm the anti D-R-U-G-G-I-E #
# My body is healthy, my rhymes make me wealthy #
# And the Funky Bunch helps me #
# To bring you a show with no intoxication #
# Come on, and feel the vibration #

Man: # Vibration #

Finn Hudson: # Yeah #
# Can you feel it, baby? #
# I can, too #

Mercedes Jones: # It's such a good vibration #
# It's such a sweet sensation #
# It's such a good vibration. #

Will Schuester: All right. Great job, guys, but that's not funk. I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but that is a rap song.

Noah Puckerman: A kick-butt old school rap song.

Artie Abrams: Does it really matter, Mr. Schue? We're so clinically depressed, we're doing the wrong songs. We're in a deeper funk than ever.

Quinn Fabray: Mercedes, I'm so sorry.

Mercedes Jones: You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how it feels sometimes.

Quinn Fabray: For nine months. You've had to deal with this your whole life. People making assumptions, calling you names. I seriously can't understand why don't feel like yelling at people all the time.

Mercedes Jones: What's the point in getting angry?

Quinn Fabray: Because it's infuriating. I hate all the looks at school. Don't even get me started on Puck's mom.

Mercedes Jones: You're not angry. You're hurt. You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage. Get to the pain beneath it. So it's decided. Saturday you move out of Puck's house and you move in with me. I already talked to my mom about it. My brother went off to college and we have an extra room.

Quinn Fabray: Mercedes...

Mercedes Jones: It's cool. Us sisters got to stick together, right?

Imelda: Mr. Schuester?

Will Schuester: Yes.

Imelda: Come in.

Will Schuester: Thank you. Um, is she doing okay?

Imelda: Never seen her like this. She won't leave her room, and refuses her protein shakes. Bad. Very bad.

Will Schuester: Well, please, tell her I'd love to speak with her.

Imelda: Let me ask.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Imelda: Careful. That Regionals '85. Very precious to Ms. Sue.

Will Schuester: Sorry.

Imelda: Mija, Mr. Schuester is here.

Sue Sylvester: Okay.

Imelda: Okay. She agreed to see you.

Will Schuester: Oh, gracias por tu ayuda.

Imelda: De Nada.

Sue Sylvester: So have you come to gloat?

Will Schuester: I, uh... I hear you're pulling out of Nationals, Sue. You know, for some of your girls that's going to have some really big consequences.

Sue Sylvester: I'm tired of those kids. I devoted my life to them. And what have I got to show for it?

Will Schuester: Five consecutive National championships.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, big deal. I'm alone, William. I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you. And, you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something. I pictured myself living a normal life. Having someone to come home to every night. And though I completely loathe you, you'd make a great trophy husband. And as you can see by my decor, I love me some trophies.

Will Schuester: Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger. I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk. But... just made things worse.

Sue Sylvester: So is that an apology?

Will Schuester: Yes, it is. And you're not alone, Sue. Your kids need you, so you do have love in your life.

Sue Sylvester: My kids don't love me; They fear me.

Will Schuester: But you love them, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Hand me my bullhorn, will you? Imelda! Make me a shake! To go!

Imelda: Hooray.

Sue Sylvester: Make it two.

Rachel Berry: Hello.

Jesse St. James: Meet me out in the parking lot.

Giselle: I hear you're a vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now. Do it, Jesse. Are you with us or not?

Rachel Berry: Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.

Jesse St. James: I loved you.

Rachel Berry: Now... nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, this is bull! Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.

Finn Hudson: Right on. It's time for less talking and more punching.

Will Schuester: Hey, what's going on?

Finn Hudson: We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.

Will Schuester: Guys, violence is never the answer.

Noah Puckerman: It is when the question is "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?!"

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, Rachel's one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.

Will Schuester: Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.

Finn Hudson: We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.

Will Schuester: We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.

Santana Lopez: You haven't deleted his number yet?

Will Schuester: Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp.

Brett Paxton: Let's hear it from the internationally ranked Cheerios coach Sue Sylvester. Coach, six consecutive National titles. You're the Michael Jordan of cheerleading.

Sue Sylvester: Thanks, Brett, I am.

Brett Paxton: Sue, let us know about the decision you made to have Kurt Hummel here do a 14-and-a-half minute Celine Dion medley, entirely in French.

Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll tell you what, Brett, I'm all about finding a freakish, depressed kid and showing him what winning is all about.

Kurt Hummel: Vive Le difference! Whoo!

Brett Paxton: Well... Well, Sue, congratulations, but I have to ask you, where are you going to put that mammoth skyscraping trophy?

Sue Sylvester: I know just the place.

Sue Sylvester: Get out.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: Wow. You did it, Sue...

Sue Sylvester: I'll do the talking, thank you very much. Let me break it down for you, William. You're standing at a crossroads. You have two choices: Number one: This trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.

Will Schuester: And what's choice number two?

Sue Sylvester: You can kiss me... right here on the lips... with tongue.

Will Schuester: This is payback, isn't it? No one will know? Fine.

Sue Sylvester: You know what? I'm not gonna do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It's making me sick.

Rachel Berry: Thanks for coming. After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute, which we were willing to put to rest, we decided the only way to truly funkify you is to show you the one thing we know you can't do. So enjoy.

Kurt Hummel: # Roof off #
# We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker #
# Tear the roof off the sucker, tear the roof off #
# We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker #
# Tear the roof off the sucker #

New Directions: # You've got a real type of thing #
# Going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going round #
# You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going round #
# Ow, we want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# Ow, we need the funk #
# We gotta have that funk #
# Ow, we want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# Ow, we need the funk #
# We gotta have that funk #
# Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# Give up the funk #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #
# Give up the funk #
# We're gonna turn this mother out #

Mercedes Jones: # We turn this mother out! #

New Directions: # Na, Na-Na-Na-Na #
# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo #
# Ow... ! #
# You've got a real type of thing going down #
# Gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm going down #
# All the rhythm goin' down #
# You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down #
# There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah! #

New Directions: # We want the funk #
# Yeah #
# Give up the funk #
# We need the funk, gotta have that funk! #

Mercedes Jones: # Funky! #

New Directions: # We want the funk #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #

New Directions: # Give up the funk #
# We need the funk, gotta have some funk #
# We want the funk #

Mercedes Jones: # Funky, funky #

New Directions: # Give up the funk #
# We need the funk #

Mercedes Jones: # Hey, get down #

New Directions: # Gotta have that funk #

Mercedes Jones: # Hey, yeah! #

New Directions: # We want the funk #
# Give up the funk #
# We need the funk #
# Gotta have that funk #

Noah Puckerman: See you punks at Regionals.

Jesse St. James: They did a funk number. We've never been able to pull off a funk number.

Giselle: Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.

Jesse St. James: I'm so depressed.

Ian Brennan: So I don't know why anyone would miss an episode of Glee, but here's what's been happening in case you did: Quinn's parents found out she's pregnant so they kicked her out.

Quinn Fabray: I needed my mom.

Mercedes Jones: So it's decided. You move in with me.

Ian Brennan: Jesse dropped Rachel and Mckinley and the New Directions and he's back on Vocal Adrenaline which freaked everybody out and convinced them they can't beat them at Regionals and if they don't place at Regionals, the club is over, which would be awful. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, see you on Saturday.

Will Schuester: Wait. What?

Sue Sylvester: At Regionals. Didn't you hear? I'm one of the judges.

Will Schuester: You cannot allow this to happen!

Principal Figgins: It's out of my hands, William. I have no control over what the Show Choir Governing Board says or does.

Sue Sylvester: Let me break it down for you, Will. It's been decided that this year's Regionals will be judged by celebrities. And I'm a celebrity now, William. Now I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality, but face it. I'm a legend. It's happened.

Will Schuester: Do you have any idea how hard my kids have been working, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: I have to be honest, Will. I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou.

Will Schuester: Principal Figgins, I am begging you. Do not let her do this to those kids.

Sue Sylvester: William, I resent the implication that I don't play by the rules.

Will Schuester: You leaked our set list at Sectionals, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: I have no memory of that.

Will Schuester: I will not let you do this. We have worked ourselves to the bone to get where we are.

Principal Figgins: I'm sorry, Will, but our arrangement stands. You must win or place at Regionals, or I'm disbanding the club. If I were you, I would spend less time complaining to me and more time convincing Judge Sylvester here that your New Directions have got the goods!

Sue Sylvester: Good luck with that, Will.

Quinn Fabray: I can't do this.

Noah Puckerman: Yes, you can. Have another wine cooler.

Quinn Fabray: I'm president of the Celibacy Club. I took a vow.

Noah Puckerman: So did Santana and Brittany, and I did them.

Quinn Fabray: What about Finn? He's your best friend.

Noah Puckerman: Come on. We're in high school. You think either one of us is going to give a damn about Finn in three years? Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead.

Quinn Fabray: Okay, but you can't tell anybody. I can't lose my rep.

Noah Puckerman: Our secret, baby.

Quinn Fabray: What about protection?

Noah Puckerman: I got it, trust me. This isn't just another hookup for me.

Quinn Fabray: Tell me one more time.

Noah Puckerman: You're not fat.

Will Schuester: Quinn? Quinn? Are you all right?

Quinn Fabray: It's been a long year.

Will Schuester: Yeah. Oh, you need some help with those plates?

Quinn Fabray: I'm not due for a month. Think I can handle a stack of plates.

Will Schuester: Right. I'm... Yeah. No one wants any pizza? All right, well, uh, let's get started. Thank you for coming to the first annual New Directions' Regionals' set list nominations party.

Artie Abrams: What's the point, Mr. Schue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges. She's gonna crush us.

Will Schuester: Artie, you don't know that.

Santana Lopez: Yes, we do. She told us at Cheerios practice.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she said, "I'm going to crush Glee Club."

Noah Puckerman: A whole freaking year. All that hard work for nothing.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm sorry. I just really love you guys. You know how many Facebook friends I had before I joined Glee Club? Two. My parents. Rachel was right. Being a part of something special— it made me special. I just can't believe it's going to be over in a week.

Finn Hudson: Wait. Who says it's going to be over?

Mercedes Jones: Please. You think Puck and Santana are going to even acknowledge my existence once we're not in Glee Club together anymore?

Noah Puckerman: She has a point.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester? Do you think instead of nominating songs, we can just... All go around the room and talk about things that we loved about Glee Club this year?

Will Schuester: It took everything I had not to cry. It's like they've all walked a thousand miles just to get punched in the stomach.

Emma Pillsbury: What exactly are you looking for from me here?

Will Schuester: Some guidance.

Emma Pillsbury: Do you remember when you were going to quit teaching and become an accountant, and I showed you that video of yourself singing at Nationals, and you said that that was the happiest moment of your life? Do you remember why?

Will Schuester: Because I loved what I was doing.

Emma Pillsbury: And isn't that what you've been drilling into their heads all year? That that feeling is way more important than winning or losing?

Will Schuester: I miss you.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm seeing someone.

Will Schuester: What?

Emma Pillsbury: His-his name's Carl. Carl... Howell. He's my dentist. He's always been very impressed with my oral hygiene, and the last time I was there, he was showing me the machines that they use to sterilize their tools, and he asked me out. We've been going out every night since then.

Will Schuester: You two haven't... ? Sorry. I'm-I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, that's... No. It's fine. That's fine. I just feel like you and I had our shot, Will.

Will Schuester: Thanks for the help.

Emma Pillsbury: Um, no, by the way. We haven't.

Finn Hudson: Hey! We need to talk. We had a chance of keeping it together at Mr. Schue's until you decided to bail. You're our leader, Rachel. The way you're on everyone all the time is annoying, but it's also what keeps the club motivated. You and I are going to fix this. We're going to Regionals, and we're going to win this thing.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, Finn and I have something we want to say to you.

Will Schuester: Me first. Have a seat. Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked. Bad. One day, all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it. Now, I was going to quit once, but you guys brought me back with " Don't Stop Believing." It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten.

Rachel Berry: We're doing "Don't Stop" at Regionals?

Will Schuester: And then some. We are doing a Journey medley. Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun? Rachel? You had something you wanted to say?

Rachel Berry: Just that we're all really glad you didn't become an accountant.

Will Schuester: Regionals, here we come!

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Woman: You're welcome.

Announcer: And now, our panel of judges. He's an international musical sensation, a platinum recording artist 20 times over, the inimitable Mr. Josh Groban! She's a four-time Grammy winner who starred in the highest-grossing movie musical of all time, Ms. Olivia Newton-John! He's a two-time local Emmy winner and broadcasting icon, WOHN news anchor Rod Remington! She is fresh off her fifth consecutive National Cheerleading Title and author of the soo n-to-be-published memoir, I'm A Winner and You're Fat, Ohio's home-grown iconoclast, Coach Sue Sylvester! And now, our first performance of the evening, from Westvale High in scenic Fort Wayne, Indiana, Aural Intensity!

Aural Intensity: # You raise me up... #
# You have to believe we are magic... #

Noah Puckerman: A mash up of Olivia Newto n-John and Josh Groban. Are you kidding me?! Somebody tipped them off about the judges.

Rachel Berry: Guys, we can't get distracted by what the other teams are doing.

Finn Hudson: We just got to keep our heads in the game and focus.

Santana Lopez: Even though we know we can't win?

Will Schuester: Yes. If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost. Besides, we have got something that the other groups don't.

Artie Abrams: What?

Will Schuester: Finn's dancing. Right? Come on. Now let's get out there. We got two minutes. Aural Intensity's almost finished. Bring it in. Come on. Come on. Let's go, go, go, go, go and...

New Directions: Whoa!

Rachel Berry: Break a leg.

Finn Hudson: I love you.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, our second competitors, winner of the Central Ohio Sectional, Mckinley High's New Directions!

Finn Hudson: # Highway run #
# Into the midnight sun #
# Wheels go round and round #
# You're on my mind #

Rachel Berry: # Restless hearts #
# Sleep alone tonight #
# Sending all my love #
# Along the wire #

Finn & Rachel: # They say that the road ain't no place to start a family #
# Right down the line it's been you and me #
# And loving a music man ain't always #
# What it'supposed to be #

Rachel Berry: # Oh, boy #
# You stand by me #

Finn & Rachel: # I'm forever yours #
# Faithfully #

New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Rachel Berry: # Faithfully #

New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Rachel Berry: # I'm still yours... #

New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #

Rachel Berry: # I'm still yours... #

New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Finn & Rachel: # I'm still yours... #
# Faithfully. #

New Directions: # Any way you want it, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh #

Finn Hudson: # She loves to laugh #
# She loves to sing #

New Directions: # Ba da #

Finn Hudson: # She does everything #

New Directions: # Ba da #

Finn Hudson: # She loves to move #

New Directions: # Ba da, ba da #

Finn Hudson: # She loves to groove #

Finn & Rachel: # She loves the lovin' things #

Rachel Berry: # It won't be long, yeah #
# Till you're alone #
# When you lover #

Mercedes Jones: # Lover #

Rachel Berry: # Oh, he hasn't come home #

Mercedes Jones: # Ooh, oh-oh-oh #

Rachel Berry: # 'Cause he's lovin' #

Girls of ND: # Lovin' #

Rachel Berry: # He's touchin' #

Girls of ND: # Touchin' #
# He's squeezin' #

New Directions: # Another #

Mercedes Jones: # Another... #

New Directions: # Any way you want, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #

Girls of ND: # Any way you want it #

New Directions: # She said, "Any way you want it" #
# "That's the way you need it" #
# "Any way you want it" #

Boys of ND: # Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh #

Noah Puckerman: # I was alone #

New Directions: # Ba da #

Noah Puckerman: # I never knew #

New Directions: # Ba da #

Noah Puckerman: # What good love could do #

New Directions: # Ba da #

Finn & Rachel: # Ooh, then we touched #
# Then we sang #

New Directions: # Ba da #

Finn & Rachel: # About the lovin' things #

Rachel Berry: # 'Cause he's lovin' #

Girls of ND: # Lovin' #

Rachel Berry: # He's touchin' #

Girls of ND: # Touchin' #
# He's squeezin' #

New Directions: # Another #

Girls of ND: # Yeah, yeah... #

New Directions: # Any way you want it, that's the way you need it #
# Any way you want it #
# Any way you want it #
# She said, "Any way you want it, that's the way you need" #
# "Any way you want it" #
# Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh #
# Na, na-na, na, na-na #
# Na, na-na, na, na #
# Na, na-na, na, na-na #
# Na, na-na, na-na #
# Any you want it, that's the way you need it. #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da, da, da... #

Finn Hudson: # Just a small town girl #

New Directions: # Da, da, da... #

Finn Hudson: # Living in a lonely world #

New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #

Finn Hudson: # She took the midnight train going anywhere #

New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #

Rachel Berry: # Just a city boy #
# Born and raised in South Detroit #

New Directions: # Da, da, da, da... #

Rachel Berry: # He took the midnight train going anywhere #

New Directions: # Da, da #

Noah Puckerman: # A singer in a smoky room #

Santana Lopez: # A smell of wine and cheap perfume #

Noah & Santana: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #

Rachel & Artie: # Strangers, waiting #

New Directions: # Da, da, da, da #
# Da, da #

Rachel & Artie: # Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows searching in the night #

New Directions: # Da, da #

Rachel & Artie: # Streetlight, people #

New Directions: # Da, da #

Rachel & Artie: # Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere in the night #

Mercedes Jones: # Don't stop... #

New Directions: # Don't stop believin' #

Finn & Rachel: # Hold on to that feeling #

New Directions: # Streetlight, people #
# Whoa... #
# Don't stop. #

Finn Hudson: That was awesome!

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, my God!

Tina Cohen-Chang: We've got second place in the bag.

Rachel Berry: Screw that. We are going to win this!

Judy Fabray: Quinney?

Quinn Fabray: Mom. What are you doing here? Is Dad okay... ?

Judy Fabray: I came to hear you sing. You were wonderful. I'm-I'm so sorry I missed all the other times you performed. Were there a lot? I left your father. Well, I-I... kicked m out, actually. He was having an affair with some, uh... tattooed freak. Quinney, I want you to come home with me. I can turn the guest room into a nursery. Oh, sweetie, say something.

Quinn Fabray: My water just broke.

Vocal Adrenaline: # Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? #
# Caught in a landslide no escape from reality #
# Open your eyes look up to the skies and see #

Jesse St. James: # I'm just a poor boy #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Ooh #
# Ah #

Jesse St. James: # I need no sympathy #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low

Jesse St. James: # Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter #

Vocal Adrenaline: # To me #

Jesse St. James: # To me #
# Mama, just killed a man,
# Put a gun against his head
# Pulled my trigger, now he's dead #
# Mama #

Quinn Fabray: Mom, it hurts so bad!

Jesse St. James: # Life had justegun... #

Judy Fabray: My daughter is having a baby.

Jesse St. James: # But now I've gone #

Judy Fabray: Uh, right this way.

Jesse St. James: # And thrown it all away #

Quinn Fabray: Wait! Wait! I want Mercedes with me, too.

Jesse St. James: # Mama #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh #
# Didn't mean to make you cry #
# If I'm not back again this time tomorrow #
# Carry on, carry on #
# As if nothing really matters #
# Too late, my time has come sends shivers down my spine #
# Body's aching all the time #
# Goodbye everybody I've got to go #
# Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth #

Quinn Fabray: Mommy!

Jesse St. James: # Mama #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Any way the wind blows #

Quinn Fabray: Ooh!

Jesse St. James: # I don't want to die #
# I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all... #

Quinn Fabray: It's never coming, ever! Shut up! Ooh, you suck! You suck! You suck! You suck!

Judy Fabray: Come on, Quinney.

Jesse St. James: # I see a little silhouetto of a man #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? #
# Thunderbolts and lightning very very frightening me #
# Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, #
# Galileo Figaro #
# Magnifico-o-o-o #

Jesse St. James: # I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me #

Vocal Adrenaline: # He's just a poor boy from a poor family #
# Spare him his life from this monstrosity #

Jesse St. James: # Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Bismillah! No - we will not let you go #

Quinn Fabray: Let me go!

Vocal Adrenaline: # Let him go #
# Bismillah! We will not let you go #

Quinn Fabray: Let me go!

Vocal Adrenaline: # Let him go #
# Bismillah! We will not let you go #

Quinn Fabray: Let me go!

Vocal Adrenaline: # Will not let you go, let me go #
# Will not let you go, let him go #
# Oh, oh, oh #

Quinn Fabray: No! No! No! No! No! No!

Vocal Adrenaline: # No! No! No! No! No! No! #

Nurse: Okay, she's crowning!

Jesse St. James: # Oh, mama mia, mama mia #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Mama mia, let me go #

Judy Fabray: Push, baby.

Vocal Adrenaline: # Beelzebub has a devil put aside #

Mercedes Jones: Come on, Quinn, push.

Vocal Adrenaline: # For me #
# For me #
# For me! #

Jesse St. James: # So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? #
# So you think you can love me and leave me to die? #
# Oh baby, can't do this to me baby #
# Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here #

Vocal Adrenaline: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh yeah, ooh yeah #

Jesse St. James: # Nothing really matters, anyone can see
# Nothing really matters
# Nothing really matters, to me

Vocal Adrenaline: # Any way the wind blows. #

Quinn Fabray: Hi. Hi.

Rachel Berry: Congratulations.

Shelby Corcoran: Thanks, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: But we beat you today. Jesse's a good singer, but you and I both know he doesn't have much heart. Vocal Adrenaline's best days are behind it. So I have a proposition for you. Come teach at Mckinley.

Shelby Corcoran: Excuse me?

Rachel Berry: You and-and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We'd be unstoppable. There's so much that you can teach me. So much only you can teach me.

Shelby Corcoran: Oh, Rachel, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of coaching glee club. I want a life. It took meeting you to realize all the stuff that I missed out on. I need some balance, you know? I need a house and a garden and a dog, a f... family. I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. And I can't let that happen again. Where's the rest of your team?

Rachel Berry: They're, uh... They're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby.

Shelby Corcoran: Is she okay?

Rachel Berry: Yeah, she's fine. It was, um... It's a beautiful baby girl.

Sue Sylvester: Newton-John? You're dead to me. Remington, Horsey, have a seat and listen up. I don't care who comes in first, I don't care who places send, but I have a very strong opinion about who comes in third.

Rod Remington: Sue, if I may. That "Bohemian Rhapsody" had me a-movin' and a-shakin', and I'm talking old school. You know, I partied with Freddy Mercury back in the '70s, and I partied... hard, if you know what I mean. Back then, people weren't so obsessed with labels.

Olivia Newton-John: I, for one, was offended that only one of the groups chose to honor me in song. I think Aural Intensity should win.

Sue Sylvester: Yes.

Josh Groban: Two questions. One: Are you single? And two: How about those New Directions? I liked them. I thought they had a lot of... heart.

Olivia Newton-John: Heart? Oh, please. Talk about blatant tokenism. That whole "We're inspiring, we're a ragtag bunch of misfits" thing is so 2009.

Sue Sylvester: I couldn't agree more. Let's vote.

Olivia Newton-John: The production values simply weren't there. Couldn't they afford better costumes? Are they a poor person school?

Josh Groban: I thought that brunette had an amazing voice.

Olivia Newton-John: Brunettes have no place in show business.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, come on. They're just kids.

Olivia Newton-John: That's no excuse. By the time I was 14, I'd already formed a band. When Josh Groban was their age, he was already in The Mickey Mouse Club or something.

Sue Sylvester: As the only educator here, let me point out that not all kids are afforded the same opportunities as others.

Olivia Newton-John: Is that what you tell yourself to get to sleep at night? Some people just simply don't have talent. You think you're a celebrity. You're not. You just try hard. That's about it.

Rod Remington: Olivia Newton-John has a valid point here. You have a lot in common with those kids at your school, Sue. Underachievers with delusions of grandeur.

Josh Groban: Dagnabbit! Now even I have to admit, I'm a little confused as to what Sue is doing in this room. Wasn't the theme tonight supposed to be celebrity judges?

Sue Sylvester: Kiss my ass, Josh Groban! I am a internationall y-ranked cheerleading coach!

Olivia Newton-John: Who lives in Ohio. When this is done today, Josh and I are flying back to L.A. first class. You'll be staying here. Just like those kids. I think we've all made up our minds. Let's vote.

Sue Sylvester: Thank you all for coming. As you all know, glee club is such an important... and I honestly can't even finish that sentence. So let's just get to it. The 2010 Midwest Regional Runners-up from Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all stupidly-named Aural Intensity! Very good. Mm-hmm. And now, your 2010 Midwest Regional Show Choir Champions Vocal Adrenaline!

Artie Abrams: We didn't even place.

Noah Puckerman: She looks like you. Do you want to keep her?

Quinn Fabray: No. Do you? Did you love me?

Noah Puckerman: Yes. Especially now.

Shelby Corcoran: Which one is yours?

Quinn Fabray: What are you doing here?

Shelby Corcoran: I see her now. She looks like you. Does she have a name?

Quinn Fabray: No.

Noah Puckerman: Beth.

Shelby Corcoran: Pretty. I like that name.

Emma Pillsbury: How do you even call yourself a principal?

Principal Figgins: Okay, this is... This is it. This is not...

Will Schuester: Emma? Emma?! What was that about?

Emma Pillsbury: It's so unfair. Will, your kids have worked so hard for this. Did you know he's already given your choir room to the Mock UN?

Will Schuester: A deal's a deal. We lost, Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: Because Sue cheated! She cheated, Will, and where do you think all that money's going? It's going right into her pockets. We just... We can't let her win this one! How can you just stand there and be so calm about this? How can you just give up so easily?

Will Schuester: I've tried, Emma, okay? It... It-It's over.

Emma Pillsbury: No. No, it's never over. I don't care what anybody says. Some things are worth fighting for.

Will Schuester: You mean like the kids?

Emma Pillsbury: Yes, of course.

Will Schuester: Anything else?

Emma Pillsbury: No. No. This is about the glee club. This is not about us.

Will Schuester: The hell it is. I love you, Emma. There, I finally said it. And you love me, and dentist or no, this thing isn't over between us.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: Can you please come to the auditorium?

Will Schuester: Sure.

Rachel Berry: So we have something we need to say to you.

Matt Rutherford: In the beginning of this year, I was just another football player.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I had a stutter.

Mercedes Jones: I was a closeted diva.

Quinn Fabray: I used to be captain of the Cheerios.

Artie Abrams: I was afraid to dance outside my room.

Santana Lopez: I hated everyone in this club.

Brittany S. Pierce: So did I.

Kurt Hummel: I wasn't honest about who I was.

Noah Puckerman: I was tossing kids into Dumpsters.

Artie Abrams: I had never kissed a girl before.

Rachel Berry: And I was getting slushied.

Finn Hudson: I didn't-I didn't have a father. Someone I could look up to. Model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man.

Rachel Berry: We don't care what the judges say. We won. Because we had you as a teacher.

Mercedes Jones: And Glee Club will never end, Mr. Schue, because... you are Glee Club. And you're in all of us now.

Rachel Berry: # Those schoolgirl days #
# Of telling tales #
# And biting nails are gone #
# But in my mind #
# I know they will #
# Still live on and on #

Mercedes Jones: # But how do you thank someone #
# Who has taken you from crayons to perfume? #

Kurt Hummel: # Oh, it isn't easy #
# But I'll try #

New Directions: # If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky #
# In letters that would soar #
# A thousand feet high #
# To Sir, with love #

Tina & Artie: # The time has come #
# For closing books #
# And long last looks must end #

Finn & Mercedes: # And as I leave #
# I know that I am leaving #
# My best friend #

Santana Lopez: # A friend who taught me right from wrong #
# And weak from strong, that's a lot to learn #

Kurt Hummel: # What can I give you in return? #

New Directions: # Oh, if you wanted the moon #
# I would try to make a start #
# But I would rather #
# You let me give my heart #
# To Sir, with love. #

Sue Sylvester: It's as barren as me in here, Will. Moving on to greener pastures?

Will Schuester: Did you just come to gloat, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Mostly.

Will Schuester: Well... congratulations. You got what you wanted. I should shake your hand.

Sue Sylvester: Not unless you got some hand sanitizer. I've seen that car you drive; I don't want to catch poor.

Will Schuester: Explain something to me. Maybe we weren't good enough yet to beat Vocal Adrenaline— fine. But we were so much better than Aural Intensity.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, William, I can't reveal how the voting went down. That would betray my sacred oath as judge or something. The results simply show the other clubs to be more deserving. All I can say is casting my vote was easy. It reflected exactly how I felt in my heart about which team should win.

Will Schuester: Well, Sue, congratulations. You win. I lose. The kids lose.

Sue Sylvester: I know you think I'm heartless, Will, and you may have a point. I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food. And I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that the two of us went to a zoo, and I shoved your face into one of those pink inflamed monkey butts that weeps lymph. And I know that you think I'm a bad person because I remain unmoved by your nattering of trite platitudes to your ill-shapen students about how the human condition can be improved by, yes, singing about it. And I've proven that I can wipe you and your Glee Club off the face of this earth. But what kind of a world would that be, Will? A world where I couldn't constantly ridicule your hair. World where I couldn't make fun of you for tearing up more than Michael Landon in a sweeps week's episode of Little House on the Prairie. And you know what, Will? Sue Sylvester's not sure she wants to live in that kind of world. So I had a little talk with Figgins.

Sue Sylvester: Glee Club gets another year. I get what I want. Do you really not understand how this sexual blackmail thing works?

Principal Figgins: Enough, Sue! I will not be blackmailed by you anymore! I will tell my wife of our heated sexual congress before I will be bullied by you again!

Sue Sylvester: One last chit, Figgy. Give the glee club another year, and I won't mention us making the beast with two backs again.

Principal Figgins: Huh?

Will Schuester: We have another year?

Sue Sylvester: You're a good teacher, Will. Now, I don't like you so much. But I admire you and the work you're doing with your kids. I really do. Bon chance, William. I relish the thought of another full year of constantly besting you.

Will Schuester: You know, Sue, inside... you're a really good person. You have a heart.

Sue Sylvester: Okay, let go of my hand.

Will Schuester: Hey... I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it.

Sue Sylvester: And I'm seriously going to puke in your mouth.

Will Schuester: We've got another year.

New Directions: What?

Will Schuester: Come on, we got another year!

Finn Hudson: What?!

Rachel Berry: Oh, my God!

Artie Abrams: Yeah!

Rachel Berry: Are you serious?!

Will Schuester: Whoa!

Rachel Berry: Okay, you guys, I think this is the perfect opportunity for us to start rehearsing for next year's Sectionals immediately...

Will Schuester: Guys, you've all worked really hard this year, and you deserve a break. But I have ideas. Take the summer off. Have some fun. Oh, but before you go, I have something for you. You all sang for me the other day, so today I'd like to return the favor. Puck, if you're ready.

Will & Noah: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Will Schuester: # Somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #
# Way up high #
# There's a land that I dreamed of #
# Once in a lullaby... #

Will & Noah: # Oh, somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #

Will Schuester: # Skies are blue #
# And the dreams that you dare to dream #
# Really do come true... #

Nurse: All the adoption papers seem to be in order. But there's no name on the birth certificate yet.

Shelby Corcoran: It's Beth.

Will Schuester: # Oh, someday I'll wish upon a star #
# And wake up where the clouds are far #
# Behind me #

Will & Noah: # Where troubles melt like lemon drops #
# High above the chimney tops #
# That's where #
# You'll find me #
# Oh, somewhere #
# Over the rainbow #

Will Schuester: # Bluebirds fly #
# Birds fly over the rainbow #
# Why then, oh, why can't I? #
# I... #