Glee - Season 2 Episodes 2-7

202. Britney/Brittany

放送日:2010年9月28日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Emma had a crush on Will, but Will was married; then Will had a crush on Emma, so he got a divorce and he kissed her, but now she's dating some dude named Carl.
Emma Pillsbury: He's my dentist.
Ian Brennan: It's a total bummer. Tina told Artie to take a hike...
Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a terrible boyfriend.
Ian Brennan: ...and then she got the hots for Mike Chang.
Artie Abrams: I want abs.
Ian Brennan: So much drama! And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?
Brittany S. Pierce: He discovered America.
Will Schuester: Close. He did write an iconic chart topper-- "Sailing."
Kurt Hummel: I have a bad feeling about this lesson.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Never heard of him, don't want to hear about him.
Will Schuester: Now some people think of the term "Easy Listening" as a bad thing. But I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones-- and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled, and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience, it can let them come to you.
Finn Hudson: How could you get caught between the moon and New York City? They're like a hundred miles apart.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue? If I may. I think I speak for all of us when I say it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth Adult Contemporary, it's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swell to over five members. The ardent demand: that this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club performs a number by... wait for it... Ms. Britney Spears.
Artie Abrams: Spears, Spears, yeah.
Will Schuester: Sorry, Kurt, Kurt, sorry. No, no, no. I don't think she's a very good role model.
Rachel Berry: But, Mr. Schue, we kind of grew of up with her.
Tina Cohen-Chang: She's literally why I wanted to become a peormer.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't want to do Britney.
Kurt Hummel: Why no Britney, Brittany?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because my name is also Brittany Spears.
Will Schuester: What?!
Mercedes Jones: What the hell is she talking about?
Brittany S. Pierce: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. "Brittany Spierce." I've lived my entire life in Britney Spear's shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.
Will Schuester: Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided-- no Britney. Sorry.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot.
Santana Lopez: Leave Brittany alone.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road.
Rachel Berry: Um, can we move on?
Will Schuester: Yes. Let's talk about Michael Bolton.



Emma Pillsbury: I know that Britney's had some issues in the past, but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together. I mean, sn't she had, what, like, three number-one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids. I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth.
Will Schuester: I can't...
Emma Pillsbury: See, that's your problem, Will you're too uptight.
Will Schuester: Oh, you're calling me uptight?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?
Emma Pillsbury: I admit I have had some control issues in the past, but Carl's been helping me with all of that.
Will Schuester: Really?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: Wow. Um, like how?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, so, the other day, he made me buy the green grapes and the red grapes at the market. And then we just mix them together in a bowl and we just ate them. It was madness. Sheer madness.
Will Schuester: Wow.
Emma Pillsbury: You know what, that's fine. Make fun all you want, but it's a start, and I am incredibly grateful for it.
Carl Howell: Hey, now. Am I interrupting?
Emma Pillsbury: Carl, no. Hi. What are you doing here?
Carl Howell: I thought I'd surprise you and take you to lunch. Oh, I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine. Adorable. And you must be Will. Emma told me you're the cutest guy in school. Will, you grind your teeth?
Will Schuester: I... I don't think so.
Carl Howell: Damn it.
Emma Pillsbury: What? What's wrong?
Carl Howell: Another teenager needs a root canal. I swear, not one student in this school is going to have their teeth by the time they're 30. Oh, the sugar kids eat today.
Emma Pillsbury: Carl has been trying to get the school board to let him come and do a seminar on good dental hygiene, but they've been dragging their feet.
Will Schuester: Why don't you come talk to Glee Club.
Carl Howell: Well, that would be a dream, Will.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, Will, that would be amazing.
Will Schuester: I'm usually pretty tight about our rehearsal schedule, but I think I can loosen the reins a bit for Carl. The kids can't sing without teeth, right?
Carl Howell: No. They'd be... they wouldn't be singing. They'd be gumming. Muh-muh-muh-muh...



Dave Karofsky: Gimme this jacket!
Finn Hudson: Hey, give me that back! I earned that!
Azimio Adams: This jacket belongs to people who are actually on the team. But you know what? We're going to restyle it to represent the obvious duality in your sexuality. Oh, you're trying to swing at me?
Dave Karofsky: Swing, huh? Come on, swing at me.
Azimio Adams: Come on!
Dave Karofsky: Come on!
Azimio Adams: Come on, let's go!
Artie Abrams: Sorry to interrupt. I'm actually glad you're here to see this. Finn, I just wanted to apologize for getting you kicked off the football team. I just hope there's no hard feelings. So what are you guys talking about?
Dave Karofsky: Dude, take him.
Azimio Adams: This wheelchair kid is in the way, man-- what if I knock him over or something?
Dave Karofsky: There's something not right about hitting a kid in a wheelchair.
Azimio Adams: You know, the only thing that's saving you right now is my moral code. I don't hit crippled people. But I'll be back. We're gonna be back.



Carl Howell: All right, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule. Now if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue.
Santana Lopez: Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?
Carl Howell: I get that all the time.
Santana Lopez: No, like, seriously, you can totally drill me whenever...
Emma Pillsbury: Santana. Okay, let's stay focused.
Carl Howell: Rock n' roll, Emms. And besides, this guy... now this guy's pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? And you know what? No matter how hard I tried, I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him.
Will Schuester: Uh, probably not.
Carl Howell: All right, let's take a look at those chompers, huh?
Kurt Hummel: Before we chew, I would just like to alert Mr. Schue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign.
Will Schuester: Sorry. The answer's still no. Capsules, guys.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, chew away. Chew, chew.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God!
Rachel Berry: What? Aw!
Finn Hudson: It's okay, baby.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand. I floss between classes.
Carl Howell: Well, sometimes it's genetics.
Artie Abrams: I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.
Santana Lopez: There you go, blue tooth.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.
Carl Howell: I got this, Em. With some deep bleaching or scaling, you'll be as good as new. All right, open up. Nah, close. Close again.



Brittany S. Pierce: This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.
Carl Howell: So, Brittany, you, uh, you have the the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. This has got to be some sort of record.
Brittany S. Pierce: Please don't pull all my teeth. My smile will look like an adult baby butt with boobs.
Carl Howell: All right, I'm going to put you under with a little general anesthesia. You won't feel a thing.
Brittany S. Pierce: Like roofies?
Carl Howell: Yeah, totally. I'll put on Pandora... and you just relax.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, no, not Britney.
# All you people look at me like I'm a little girl #
# Well, did you ever think it'd be okay #
# For me to step into this world? #
# Always saying little girl don't step into the club #
# Well, I'm just trying to find out why #
# 'Cause dancing's what I love #
# Now watch me #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it, ooh #
# Get it, get it, do you like it? #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it #
# It just feels good #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# I cannot help it #
# I cannot control it #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# I won't deny it #
# I'm not trying to hide it #
# I know I may come off quiet #
# I may come off shy #
# But I feel like tking, feel like dancing #
# When I see this guy #
# What's practical is logical #
# What the hell who cares? #
# All I know is I'm so happy #
# When you're dancing there #
# Bab don't you wanna dance upon me? #
# I just want to dance next to you #
# At another time and place #
# Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance upon me? #
# Are you ready? #
# Leaving behind my name and date #
# Let's go #
# "Get it, get it, get it, get it, ooh #
# Get it, get it, whoa #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it #
# Oh #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# Here we go now #
# Here we go now #
# I cannot help it #
# I cannot control it #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# Here we go #
# I won't deny it #
# I'm not trying to hide it #
# Yeah, like that. #
Carl Howell: Brittany? Brittany, wake up. All right, you're going to feel a little nauseous.
Brittany S. Pierce: I petted a snake.
Carl Howell: Mm. Rock on. I'm going to have to see you tomorrow. You have 68 cavities. I couldn't get 'em all today.
Brittany S. Pierce: Can I have a blue toothbrush?
Carl Howell: I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Are you a cat?



Rachel Berry: You all right? You seem a little down. Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, it was awesome. It's just-- how do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?
Rachel Berry: I'm actually kind of happy about it. That I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I'm just so not cool now, you know.
Rachel Berry: Well, it's just less of a chance of you running off with some cheerleader.
Finn Hudson: Wait, so you want me to feel bad about myself?
Rachel Berry: No, I just... I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good. I'm just trying to be honest.
Santana Lopez: Hey, dwarf, anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch a Predator?
Brittany S. Pierce: Also, I'm more talented than you.
Rachel Berry: You could have defended me.
Finn Hudson: Well, Santana has a point. Just trying to be honest.



Carl Howell: So, Santana, I'm loong at your charts and your X-rays. Your teeth are perfect.
Santana Lopez: That's right.
Carl Howell: Well, I can't just put you under. Anesthesia isn't something to joke about. It's serious.
Santana Lopez: Okay, listen, my dad's a doctor. And not a "tooth doctor," a real one. He, like, went to college or something. Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grill, 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's totally cool.
Carl Howell: Hmm, okay, I guess I can give you a super strong bleaching.
Santana Lopez: Hmm.
Carl Howell: Can I turn the radio on?
Brittany & Santana: We've got it covered.
# All my people in the crowd, grab a partner, take it down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # It's me against the music #
Santana Lopez: # uh-huh #
# It's just me #
Santana Lopez: # And me #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Yeah #
Santana Lopez: # Come on #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Huh! Ah! #
Santana Lopez: # Hey, Brittany #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Are you ready? #
Santana Lopez: # Uh-huh #
# Are you? #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Ooh... #
Santana Lopez: # And no one cares #
Brittany S. Pierce: # It's flipping my hair #
# It's pulling my waist #
Santana Lopez: # To hell with stares #
Brittany S. Pierce: # The sweat is dripping all over my face #
Santana Lopez: # And no one's there #
Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm the only one dancing up in this place #
# It's just me #
Santana Lopez: # Tonight I'm here #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Feel the beat of the drum, gotta get with that bass #
# I'm up against the speaker trying to take on the music #
# It's like a competition, me against the beat #
# I want to get in the zone #
# I want to get in the zone, I want to get in the zone #
# If you really want to battle #
# Saddle up and get your rhythm #
# Trying to hit it chic-a-tah in the middle #
# I'm a take a you on, I'm a take a you on #
# I'm a take a you on #
# Hey, hey, hey #
Brittany & Santana: # All my people on the floor, let me see you dance #
# Let me see ya #
# All my people wanting more, let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people round a r, let me see you dance #
# Let me see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# Get on the floor #
# Baby, lose control, yeah #
# Just work your body and let it go #
# Let it go #
# If you wanna party, just grab somebody #
# Hey, Brittany, we can dance all night long #
Santana Lopez: # Hey Brittany, you say you wanna lose control #
# Come over here I got somethin' to show ya #
# Sexy lady, I'd rather see you bare your soul #
# Yeah, you think you're so hot, better show me what you got #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# Come on, Brittany, lose control #
# Watch you take it down #
# Get down #
Brittany & Santana: # Get on the floor, baby, lose control #
# Just work your body and let it go #
# If you want to party, just grab somebody #
# Hey, Brittany, we can dance all night long #
# All my people on the floor, say let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, say let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# Come on, Brittany, lose control #
# Watch you take it down. #
Brittany S. Pierce: You're really hot.
Britney Spears: You're sweet.
Brittany S. Pierce: And your breath smells really good.
Britney Spears: So does yours, and you know why? Because this is a fantasy.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wow.



Will Schuester: ...making Christopher Cross a Golden Globe, Oscar, and five-time Grammy Award winner. Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: What?
Brittany S. Pierce: When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.
Santana Lopez: I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined. That doesn't make any sense.
Kurt Hummel: See, Mr. Schue? I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.
Will Schuester: Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, you're letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears is pop culture! To suggest otherwise is heretical!
Will Schuester: Kurt, I'm done talking about this!
Kurt Hummel: Geez! Let loose a little, would you?! Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!
Will Schuester: Kurt... I'll see you in the Principal's office.



Carl & Will: Ah... Ah...
Carl Howell: All right. Evidence of some grinding. I'll set you up with a night guard.
Will Schuester: Fantastic. Happy to do it.
Carl Howell: All right, can we stop this right now?
Will Schuester: What?
Carl Howell: Well, this is clearly awkward for the two of us. All right, let's talk it out, bro-to-bro.
Will Schuester: Fine. Bro. I still have feelings for Emma; strong feelings.
Carl Howell: So do I. The difference is she chose me. I don't know what's gonna happen with Emma and I, but I do ask is that you back off until we figure it out.
Will Schuester: What if I tell you that I don't think I could do that? Rinse.
Carl Howell: Will, put yourself in my shoes. I mean, say it doesn't work out between the two of us, and she chooses to go back to you. How would you feel if I continue to come after her?
Will Schuester: Okay, fine. I'll back off. But the second she starts leaning my way, I am back in. Deal?
Carl Howell: Deal. Now open back up. I want to continue this examination.
Will Schuester: Ah...
Carl Howell: No more "ah's".
Will Schuester: Oh.
Carl Howell: You know what? I got just the thing for you.
Will Schuester: Candy?
Carl Howell: You gotta loosen up and bang, bro. I mean, you're grinding those beautiful little teeth down to nubs. You know, I honestly think that's why you and Emma didn't work out. There's not an impulsive bone between the two of you.
Will Schuester: And you think eating candy is gonna change that?
Carl Howell: You gotta get ridiculous, bro. You gotta just start doing things that feel good for no good reason. You know, I used to get up at the same time ever day and have the same eggs. Then, one day, I'm driving the hybrid to work, I pass a Chevy dealership. The new Corvettes had just come in, so I stopped right on the spot, I make a U-turn and I buy one. Now I take the top down, take Emma for a spin, she doesn't even care if her hair gets messed up. You follow me?



Will Schuester: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Hey, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?
Rachel Berry: No, I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading The Unauthorized Biography of Britney Spears to stay calm. I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them. Are you okay? Did you have a cavity or something? Is that candy?
Will Schuester: I'm fine. Good luck.



Rachel Berry: # Oh, baby, baby... #
# Oh, baby, baby... #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# How was I supposed to know #
# That something wasn't right? Yeah #
# Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn't have let you go #
# And now you're out of sight, yeah #
# Show me how you want it to be #
# Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know now #
# Just because my loneliness is killing me, and I... #
# I must confess I still believe #
# Still believe #
# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind #
# Give me a sign! #
# Hit me, baby, one more time! #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Yeah, hey, oh, baby, baby #
# Yeah, hey, yeah #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# How was I supposed to know? #
# Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go #
# I must confess #
# That my loneliness is killing me now #
# Don't you know I still believe? #
# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind #
# Give me a sign #
# Hit me, baby, one more time. #
Carl Howell: Rachel? Rachel, wake up. You Glee kids are impossible to work on. You're always moving around when you're under.
Rachel Berry: Is this real life?



Finn Hudson: Hey, take my hoodie. You look cold.
Rachel Berry: It's okay, I'm... Wait, you mean you don't like my new look?
Finn Hudson: Don't you think it's a bit much? I mean, I think that guy just broke up with his girlfriend just so he could stare at you.
Rachel Berry: I'm just doing what you told me. Besides, it's not like when I went all sad clown hooker and put on that ridiculous Grease cat suit. This is just like my regular look with the volume turned up.
Azimio Adams: Ooh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on.
Dave Karofsky: How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?
Finn Hudson: You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you.
Rachel Berry: Objectifying.
Finn Hudson: Whatever! Just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team, but it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweater?
Rachel Berry: Look, I see your point. In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other. So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team... if you can.
Brittany S. Pierce: It looks like a Jewish cloud.
Jacob Ben Israel: What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house. Wanky, wanky!



Emma Pillsbury: I kinda liked your old car.
Will Schuester: That car was a metaphor for everything that was wrong with my life, my fear of change. That dragging muffler was like the chains of Marley's Ghost. Now they're gone and I feel like a free man!
Emma Pillsbury: By buying the same car as Carl?
Will Schuester: His didn't have heated seats. Oh, come on, Emma, I'm just doing everything you said I should do. I'm loosening up, and I feel amazing! Let's take her for a spin. Oh, this is my jam!
# Well, it's not that far to paradise #
# At least it's not for me #
# And if the wind is right, we can sail away #
# And find tranquility #
Terri Del Monico: Get out of the car!
Will Schuester: Watch this.
Terri Del Monico: I'm taking this back to the dealer. Oh, hey, home wrecker!
Will Schuester: Do I have to remind you that we are divorced?!
Terri Del Monico: I am reminded every month when I get my spousal support check! The one that I know you can't send me if you're buying a car that you can't afford!
Will Schuester: Emma.
Terri Del Monico: You know what? Actually... I think you should keep this car. You should enjoy it, you know, at leastntil they repossess it. But just don't buy any more big-ticket items, okay?
Will Schuester: Why is that?
Terri Del Monico: Because someday you are going to come to your senses, Will, and you're going to get over that little Miss Crazypants, and you're going to come back to the one woman who really knows how to love you. And I just don't want you to have blown all of our savings when you do.
Will Schuester: Damn!



Santana Lopez: Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look. Yay.
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all.
Will Schuester: Wait. Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently.
Artie Abrams: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...
Finn Hudson: Hey, hey.
Rachel Berry: Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before. Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and again. And maybe it's a good thing.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's such a good thing. I can't believe it.
Sue Sylvester: William, a word.



Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue Sylvester: I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records-- you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... horror!



Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Jacob Ben Israel: Can I put some clothes on, please?
Sue Sylvester: No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.
Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was titillated.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, dear God, please don't ever say that word again.
Jacob Ben Israel: Can I go now, please? You gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.



Will Schuester: That is really gross, Sue, but they're kids. Hormones.
Sue Sylvester: William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand-new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a midlife crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.
Will Schuester: What's your point, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop-culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world. Wait just a second, now. You look more confused than ever. Is your Glee Club doing Britney Spears music? Is that why Rachel was wearing that inappropriate outfit?
Will Schuester: No. No, we are not doing Britney.
Sue Sylvester: Okay. Just checking.



Britney Spears: I'm serious-- you should put ranch dressing on it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: On pizza?
Britney Spears: Yeah, it's delicious. You should try it.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm 100% in love with you right now.
Artie Abrams: Hey, Britney.
Britney Spears: Oh, hey, Artie. Girl, you are such a fool for breaking up with such a sweetheart.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I know, Britney. Artie, I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: And I'm stronger.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm serious. You're hot.



Artie Abrams: # Ooh, hey, yeah #
# Hush, just stop #
# There's nothing you can do or say #
# Baby #
# I've had enough #
# I'm not your property as from today #
# Baby #
# You might think that I #
# Won't make it on my own #
# But now I'm stronger #
# Than yesterday #
# Now it's nothing but my way #
# My loneliness #
# Ain't killing me no more #
# I am stronger #
# Oh, yeah #
# Here I go on my own #
# I don't need nobody, better off alone #
# Here I go on my own now #
# I don't need nobody, not anybody #
# Here I go... #
# Here I go #
# Stronger than yesterday #
# It's nothing but my way #
# My loneliness #
# Ain't killing me no more #
# No more #
# I am stronger. #
Mmm, Britney.



Artie Abrams: What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: Oh. I'm, uh, going to run some laps. Gonna get back in shape and back on the team.
Artie Abrams: That's what I came here to talk to you about. I want on the team, too. Every day, Tina and Mike's Asian fusion grows stronger.
Finn Hudson: Look, I want to help you, dude, but... kind of need to take care of myself right now. I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: I had a vision at the dentist. You and I were out on the field with the team, playing football. We were unstoppable. I just know that if we can show what I can do to Coach Beiste, she'd put me on the team.
Shannon Beiste: Show me what?
Artie Abrams: I... I wanted to ask you to reconsider putting me on the football team.
Finn Hudson: I'm not with him on this one.
Shannon Beiste: Well, you should be. I need you to help him get his uniform.
Finn Hudson: What?
Shannon Beiste: Well, don't just stare at me like a donkey with a wooden leg. Go see the equipment manager, and you boys get out on the field. Practice starts in five minutes.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, Coach. We won't let you down.
Shannon Beiste: Well, come on. Go!
Finn Hudson: Those are on backwards.



Quinn Fabray: I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you get a leg transplant?
Artie Abrams: Nope. My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, there's no rules against it. We checked.
Artie Abrams: And I have Britney Spears to thank.
Brittany S. Pierce: You're welcome.
Artie Abrams: Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea, and it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team.
Rachel Berry: Wait. You're back on the football team?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Suddenly, you're way hotter to me. Weird.
Noah Puckerman: Wait. I don't get it. How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?
Artie Abrams: The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams, often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, listen up.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may?
Will Schuester: Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about, and I know what you're going to say. The answer is no. No, I'm not going to stand in the way anymore. If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it. I know. Oh... And more than that, I am going to perform with you. Right?



Rachel Berry: I always thought the boys' locker room would be all sexy, but actually, it smells like feet in here.
Finn Hudson: Oh, Rachel, you can't be in here. You changed back to your old clothes.
Rachel Berry: I just want you to know that I heard everything that you said and that I respect your needs, and I'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.
Finn Hudson: Cool. Well, thanks. I gotta go.
Rachel Berry: Wait... I mean... d-don't you want to make me feel safe and happy, too?
Finn Hudson: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure. Wait. Wait. Do you want me to quit football?
Rachel Berry: Look, how am I supposed to trust that you're not just going to stray again? Remember your little fling with Brittany and Santana? I do... all right? Let's face it, Finn-- the only way that this relationship is going to work is if we're both losers.
Finn Hudson: Okay. Come here. This is how it's gonna happen: I'm going to be quarterback again, then I'm going to throw a touchdown in our first game, and then point to you in the stands so that everybody in the school knows you're my girlfriend. All right?
Rachel Berry: That's very romantic, but... I don't know.
Finn Hudson: Rachel, you can't ask me to choose between you and football.
Rachel Berry: Well, I am.



Emma Pillsbury: You need to sit where you can be seen. Why don't you sit at the top and wave your big, foamy finger? Yeah? Up there. It's so, so exciting!
Will Schuester: You know, I can get you backstage if you want.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, hey.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: You're all dressed up. You look like a cast member of Kids Incorporated.
Will Schuester: Well, I really want to loosen up a bit, so I'm, uh, helping the kids do Britney. Outrageous, right?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Oh. Showtime.
Sue Sylvester: Sit down! There's nothing to stand up and cheer about.
Becky Jackson: Hey, Coach! The glee club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly. I just found out.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, you're on red alert. If you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.
Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.
Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up-to-date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to our homecoming pep assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment, the dulcimer club is on hiatus until further notice. But do we ever have a treat for you. Fresh off their last place finish at the Regionals, please give it up for the New Directions!
Brittany S. Pierce: # Baby, can't you see #
# I'm calling #
# A guy like you #
# Should wear a warning #
Rachel & Brittany: # You're dangerous #
# I'm loving it #
Jacob Ben Israel: I love Britney Spears!
Will & Brittany: # Too high #
# Can't come down #
# Losing my head, spinning round and round #
# O Oh, do you feel me now? #
New Directions: # With a taste of your lips #
# I'm on a ride #
Lauren Zizes: I want to be that hat!
New Directions: # You're toxic, I'm slipping under #
# With a taste of a poison paradise #
# I'm addicted to you #
# Don't you know that you're toxic? #
# And I love what you do #
# Don't you know that you're toxic? #
Jacob Ben Israel: Take it off! Yes!
Rachel, Brittany & Will: # It's getting late #
# To give you up #
# I took a sip #
# From my devil's cup #
# Slowly it's taking over me #
Will & Brittany: # Too high #
# Can't come down #
# It's in the air #
Lauren Zizes: Mr. Schue, let me be your Britney!
Will & Brittany: # And it's all around #
# Oh, can you feel me now? #
Will Schuester: # Oh #
New Directions: # With a taste of your lips #
# I'm on a ride #
Santana Lopez: # On a ride #
New Directions: # You're toxic, I'm slipping under #
Jacob Ben Israel: Oh!
New Directions: # With a taste of a poison paradise #
# I'm addicted to you #
Jacob Ben Israel: It's so sexy! It's so...!
New Directions: # Don't you know that you're toxic? #
# I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? #
Lauren Zizes: Mr. Schue, I want youbabies!
New Directions: # Intoxicate me now #
Jacob Ben Israel: Don't stop doing that! Don't stop doing that! Yes! Yes!
New Directions: # I think I'm ready now #
# Intoxicate me now #
# With your loving now #
# I think I'm ready #
Santana Lopez: # I think I'm ready now. #
Jacob Ben Israel: Uh-oh.
Sue Sylvester: It's a Britney Spears sex riot. Run the other way!



Will Schuester: How you doing, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Not sure if you heard, William, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot.
Will Schuester: Sue, you pulled the alarm. Everything was going fine!
Sue Sylvester: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon. And when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming "sex party" into the microphones of all three major networks.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.
Sue Sylvester: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer-- Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. And I'll see you in court.
Will Schuester: Emma... Look, what I did was a little weird. I know that. It was inappropriate for me to do Britney with the kids. I just thought you wanted me to be less uptight.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, I just wanted you to relax. You know, not stop being you. I know you're frustrated. You know, Terri's still on your case, you lost at regionals, Glee's still the bottom pickle in the barrel...
Will Schuester: You and Carl.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Me and Carl. Especially me and Carl. Look, have you ever noticed that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the world. She's got to rein it in, just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. No, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing.
Will Schuester: Because the boring someone I already am... wasn't good enough for you.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, where you going?
Will Schuester: To return that car.



Finn Hudson: U.S. History... Crap, I forgot I was taking that.
Quinn Fabray: Congrats, Finn. You're back on the team, I'm head cheerleader again. Some kind of symmetry, don't you think? With all the nastiness between you and I behind us, I think we should be together. We'd be a shoo-in for Homecoming king and queen. So what do you say? You and me, 8:00, Breadstix?
Finn Hudson: Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you. Probably always will. But I'm not gonna get back together with you. There's someone else, and you know who that is. I'm asking you to respect that. I'm sorry.
Quinn Fabray: I said what you wanted me to, he shot me down. So congrats. Looks like he really loves you.



Will Schuester: All right. Rachel?
Rachel Berry: I have a song that I've prepared for the class.
Will Schuester: Sorry, Rachel, no Britney. I'm really happy that her music has inspired so many of you, even if that inspiration was brought about by a dangerous narcotic. And I think we've all come to appreciate her music and celebrity so much more this week. But honestly, she's just not us.
Kurt Hummel: I'm devastated. I can't believe we only did one Britney number.
Rachel Berry: I was actually gonna do something from our original assignment last week-- adult contemporary. But this is just a little bit more young adult.
Will Schuester: Oh. Great, Rachel. Well, let's hear it.
Rachel Berry: I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold onto how you were making me feel so much, that I was strangling you in my hands, like a little bird. I get now, that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.
Brittany S. Pierce: Finn can fly?
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week, I'm going to be performing a musical number by Kesha.
Mercedes Jones: Shh.
Rachel Berry: # When I was younger #
# I saw my daddy cry #
# And curse at the wind #
# He broke his own heart as I watched #
# As he tried to reassemble it #
# And my mama swore #
# She would never let herself forget #
# And that was the day that I promised #
# I'd never sing of love if it does not exist #
# But darling, you are #
# The only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# Oh #
# Oh... #
# I've got a tight grip on reality #
# But I can't #
# Let go of what's in front of me here #
# I know you're leaving in the morning #
# When you wake up, leave me with #
# Some kind of proof it's not a dream #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are #
# The only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# And I'm on my way to believing #
# Oh #
# And I'm on my way to believing. #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Emma had a crush on Will, but Will was married; then Will had a crush on Emma, so he got a divorce and he kissed her, but now she's dating some dude named Carl.
Emma Pillsbury: He's my dentist.
Ian Brennan: It's a total bummer. Tina told Artie to take a hike...
Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a terrible boyfriend.
Ian Brennan: ...and then she got the hots for Mike Chang.
Artie Abrams: I want abs.
Ian Brennan: So much drama! And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?
Brittany S. Pierce: He discovered America.
Will Schuester: Close. He did write an iconic chart topper-- "Sailing."
Kurt Hummel: I have a bad feeling about this lesson.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Never heard of him, don't want to hear about him.
Will Schuester: Now some people think of the term "Easy Listening" as a bad thing. But I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones-- and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled, and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience, it can let them come to you.
Finn Hudson: How could you get caught between the moon and New York City? They're like a hundred miles apart.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue? If I may. I think I speak for all of us when I say it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth Adult Contemporary, it's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swell to over five members. The ardent demand: that this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club performs a number by... wait for it... Ms. Britney Spears.
Artie Abrams: Spears, Spears, yeah.
Will Schuester: Sorry, Kurt, Kurt, sorry. No, no, no. I don't think she's a very good role model.
Rachel Berry: But, Mr. Schue, we kind of grew of up with her.
Tina Cohen-Chang: She's literally why I wanted to become a peormer.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't want to do Britney.
Kurt Hummel: Why no Britney, Brittany?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because my name is also Brittany Spears.
Will Schuester: What?!
Mercedes Jones: What the hell is she talking about?
Brittany S. Pierce: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. "Brittany Spierce." I've lived my entire life in Britney Spear's shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.
Will Schuester: Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided-- no Britney. Sorry.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot.
Santana Lopez: Leave Brittany alone.
Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road.
Rachel Berry: Um, can we move on?
Will Schuester: Yes. Let's talk about Michael Bolton.



Emma Pillsbury: I know that Britney's had some issues in the past, but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together. I mean, sn't she had, what, like, three number-one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids. I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth.
Will Schuester: I can't...
Emma Pillsbury: See, that's your problem, Will you're too uptight.
Will Schuester: Oh, you're calling me uptight?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?
Emma Pillsbury: I admit I have had some control issues in the past, but Carl's been helping me with all of that.
Will Schuester: Really?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: Wow. Um, like how?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, so, the other day, he made me buy the green grapes and the red grapes at the market. And then we just mix them together in a bowl and we just ate them. It was madness. Sheer madness.
Will Schuester: Wow.
Emma Pillsbury: You know what, that's fine. Make fun all you want, but it's a start, and I am incredibly grateful for it.
Carl Howell: Hey, now. Am I interrupting?
Emma Pillsbury: Carl, no. Hi. What are you doing here?
Carl Howell: I thought I'd surprise you and take you to lunch. Oh, I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine. Adorable. And you must be Will. Emma told me you're the cutest guy in school. Will, you grind your teeth?
Will Schuester: I... I don't think so.
Carl Howell: Damn it.
Emma Pillsbury: What? What's wrong?
Carl Howell: Another teenager needs a root canal. I swear, not one student in this school is going to have their teeth by the time they're 30. Oh, the sugar kids eat today.
Emma Pillsbury: Carl has been trying to get the school board to let him come and do a seminar on good dental hygiene, but they've been dragging their feet.
Will Schuester: Why don't you come talk to Glee Club.
Carl Howell: Well, that would be a dream, Will.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, Will, that would be amazing.
Will Schuester: I'm usually pretty tight about our rehearsal schedule, but I think I can loosen the reins a bit for Carl. The kids can't sing without teeth, right?
Carl Howell: No. They'd be... they wouldn't be singing. They'd be gumming. Muh-muh-muh-muh...



Dave Karofsky: Gimme this jacket!
Finn Hudson: Hey, give me that back! I earned that!
Azimio Adams: This jacket belongs to people who are actually on the team. But you know what? We're going to restyle it to represent the obvious duality in your sexuality. Oh, you're trying to swing at me?
Dave Karofsky: Swing, huh? Come on, swing at me.
Azimio Adams: Come on!
Dave Karofsky: Come on!
Azimio Adams: Come on, let's go!
Artie Abrams: Sorry to interrupt. I'm actually glad you're here to see this. Finn, I just wanted to apologize for getting you kicked off the football team. I just hope there's no hard feelings. So what are you guys talking about?
Dave Karofsky: Dude, take him.
Azimio Adams: This wheelchair kid is in the way, man-- what if I knock him over or something?
Dave Karofsky: There's something not right about hitting a kid in a wheelchair.
Azimio Adams: You know, the only thing that's saving you right now is my moral code. I don't hit crippled people. But I'll be back. We're gonna be back.



Carl Howell: All right, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule. Now if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue.
Santana Lopez: Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?
Carl Howell: I get that all the time.
Santana Lopez: No, like, seriously, you can totally drill me whenever...
Emma Pillsbury: Santana. Okay, let's stay focused.
Carl Howell: Rock n' roll, Emms. And besides, this guy... now this guy's pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? And you know what? No matter how hard I tried, I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him.
Will Schuester: Uh, probably not.
Carl Howell: All right, let's take a look at those chompers, huh?
Kurt Hummel: Before we chew, I would just like to alert Mr. Schue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign.
Will Schuester: Sorry. The answer's still no. Capsules, guys.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, chew away. Chew, chew.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God!
Rachel Berry: What? Aw!
Finn Hudson: It's okay, baby.
Rachel Berry: I don't understand. I floss between classes.
Carl Howell: Well, sometimes it's genetics.
Artie Abrams: I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.
Santana Lopez: There you go, blue tooth.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.
Carl Howell: I got this, Em. With some deep bleaching or scaling, you'll be as good as new. All right, open up. Nah, close. Close again.



Brittany S. Pierce: This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.
Carl Howell: So, Brittany, you, uh, you have the the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. This has got to be some sort of record.
Brittany S. Pierce: Please don't pull all my teeth. My smile will look like an adult baby butt with boobs.
Carl Howell: All right, I'm going to put you under with a little general anesthesia. You won't feel a thing.
Brittany S. Pierce: Like roofies?
Carl Howell: Yeah, totally. I'll put on Pandora... and you just relax.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, no, not Britney.
# All you people look at me like I'm a little girl #
# Well, did you ever think it'd be okay #
# For me to step into this world? #
# Always saying little girl don't step into the club #
# Well, I'm just trying to find out why #
# 'Cause dancing's what I love #
# Now watch me #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it, ooh #
# Get it, get it, do you like it? #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it #
# It just feels good #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# I cannot help it #
# I cannot control it #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# I won't deny it #
# I'm not trying to hide it #
# I know I may come off quiet #
# I may come off shy #
# But I feel like tking, feel like dancing #
# When I see this guy #
# What's practical is logical #
# What the hell who cares? #
# All I know is I'm so happy #
# When you're dancing there #
# Bab don't you wanna dance upon me? #
# I just want to dance next to you #
# At another time and place #
# Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance upon me? #
# Are you ready? #
# Leaving behind my name and date #
# Let's go #
# "Get it, get it, get it, get it, ooh #
# Get it, get it, whoa #
# Get it, get it, get it, get it #
# Oh #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# Here we go now #
# Here we go now #
# I cannot help it #
# I cannot control it #
# I'm a slave 4 you #
# Here we go #
# I won't deny it #
# I'm not trying to hide it #
# Yeah, like that. #
Carl Howell: Brittany? Brittany, wake up. All right, you're going to feel a little nauseous.
Brittany S. Pierce: I petted a snake.
Carl Howell: Mm. Rock on. I'm going to have to see you tomorrow. You have 68 cavities. I couldn't get 'em all today.
Brittany S. Pierce: Can I have a blue toothbrush?
Carl Howell: I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Are you a cat?



Rachel Berry: You all right? You seem a little down. Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, it was awesome. It's just-- how do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?
Rachel Berry: I'm actually kind of happy about it. That I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. I'm just so not cool now, you know.
Rachel Berry: Well, it's just less of a chance of you running off with some cheerleader.
Finn Hudson: Wait, so you want me to feel bad about myself?
Rachel Berry: No, I just... I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good. I'm just trying to be honest.
Santana Lopez: Hey, dwarf, anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch a Predator?
Brittany S. Pierce: Also, I'm more talented than you.
Rachel Berry: You could have defended me.
Finn Hudson: Well, Santana has a point. Just trying to be honest.



Carl Howell: So, Santana, I'm loong at your charts and your X-rays. Your teeth are perfect.
Santana Lopez: That's right.
Carl Howell: Well, I can't just put you under. Anesthesia isn't something to joke about. It's serious.
Santana Lopez: Okay, listen, my dad's a doctor. And not a "tooth doctor," a real one. He, like, went to college or something. Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grill, 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's totally cool.
Carl Howell: Hmm, okay, I guess I can give you a super strong bleaching.
Santana Lopez: Hmm.
Carl Howell: Can I turn the radio on?
Brittany & Santana: We've got it covered.
# All my people in the crowd, grab a partner, take it down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # It's me against the music #
Santana Lopez: # uh-huh #
# It's just me #
Santana Lopez: # And me #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Yeah #
Santana Lopez: # Come on #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Huh! Ah! #
Santana Lopez: # Hey, Brittany #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Are you ready? #
Santana Lopez: # Uh-huh #
# Are you? #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Ooh... #
Santana Lopez: # And no one cares #
Brittany S. Pierce: # It's flipping my hair #
# It's pulling my waist #
Santana Lopez: # To hell with stares #
Brittany S. Pierce: # The sweat is dripping all over my face #
Santana Lopez: # And no one's there #
Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm the only one dancing up in this place #
# It's just me #
Santana Lopez: # Tonight I'm here #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Feel the beat of the drum, gotta get with that bass #
# I'm up against the speaker trying to take on the music #
# It's like a competition, me against the beat #
# I want to get in the zone #
# I want to get in the zone, I want to get in the zone #
# If you really want to battle #
# Saddle up and get your rhythm #
# Trying to hit it chic-a-tah in the middle #
# I'm a take a you on, I'm a take a you on #
# I'm a take a you on #
# Hey, hey, hey #
Brittany & Santana: # All my people on the floor, let me see you dance #
# Let me see ya #
# All my people wanting more, let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people round a r, let me see you dance #
# Let me see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# Get on the floor #
# Baby, lose control, yeah #
# Just work your body and let it go #
# Let it go #
# If you wanna party, just grab somebody #
# Hey, Brittany, we can dance all night long #
Santana Lopez: # Hey Brittany, you say you wanna lose control #
# Come over here I got somethin' to show ya #
# Sexy lady, I'd rather see you bare your soul #
# Yeah, you think you're so hot, better show me what you got #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# Come on, Brittany, lose control #
# Watch you take it down #
# Get down #
Brittany & Santana: # Get on the floor, baby, lose control #
# Just work your body and let it go #
# If you want to party, just grab somebody #
# Hey, Brittany, we can dance all night long #
# All my people on the floor, say let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, say let me see you dance #
# I wanna see ya #
# All my people in the crowd, let me see you dance #
# Come on, Brittany, lose control #
# Watch you take it down. #
Brittany S. Pierce: You're really hot.
Britney Spears: You're sweet.
Brittany S. Pierce: And your breath smells really good.
Britney Spears: So does yours, and you know why? Because this is a fantasy.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wow.



Will Schuester: ...making Christopher Cross a Golden Globe, Oscar, and five-time Grammy Award winner. Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: What?
Brittany S. Pierce: When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.
Santana Lopez: I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined. That doesn't make any sense.
Kurt Hummel: See, Mr. Schue? I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.
Will Schuester: Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, you're letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears is pop culture! To suggest otherwise is heretical!
Will Schuester: Kurt, I'm done talking about this!
Kurt Hummel: Geez! Let loose a little, would you?! Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!
Will Schuester: Kurt... I'll see you in the Principal's office.



Carl & Will: Ah... Ah...
Carl Howell: All right. Evidence of some grinding. I'll set you up with a night guard.
Will Schuester: Fantastic. Happy to do it.
Carl Howell: All right, can we stop this right now?
Will Schuester: What?
Carl Howell: Well, this is clearly awkward for the two of us. All right, let's talk it out, bro-to-bro.
Will Schuester: Fine. Bro. I still have feelings for Emma; strong feelings.
Carl Howell: So do I. The difference is she chose me. I don't know what's gonna happen with Emma and I, but I do ask is that you back off until we figure it out.
Will Schuester: What if I tell you that I don't think I could do that? Rinse.
Carl Howell: Will, put yourself in my shoes. I mean, say it doesn't work out between the two of us, and she chooses to go back to you. How would you feel if I continue to come after her?
Will Schuester: Okay, fine. I'll back off. But the second she starts leaning my way, I am back in. Deal?
Carl Howell: Deal. Now open back up. I want to continue this examination.
Will Schuester: Ah...
Carl Howell: No more "ah's".
Will Schuester: Oh.
Carl Howell: You know what? I got just the thing for you.
Will Schuester: Candy?
Carl Howell: You gotta loosen up and bang, bro. I mean, you're grinding those beautiful little teeth down to nubs. You know, I honestly think that's why you and Emma didn't work out. There's not an impulsive bone between the two of you.
Will Schuester: And you think eating candy is gonna change that?
Carl Howell: You gotta get ridiculous, bro. You gotta just start doing things that feel good for no good reason. You know, I used to get up at the same time ever day and have the same eggs. Then, one day, I'm driving the hybrid to work, I pass a Chevy dealership. The new Corvettes had just come in, so I stopped right on the spot, I make a U-turn and I buy one. Now I take the top down, take Emma for a spin, she doesn't even care if her hair gets messed up. You follow me?



Will Schuester: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Hey, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?
Rachel Berry: No, I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading The Unauthorized Biography of Britney Spears to stay calm. I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them. Are you okay? Did you have a cavity or something? Is that candy?
Will Schuester: I'm fine. Good luck.



Rachel Berry: # Oh, baby, baby... #
# Oh, baby, baby... #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# How was I supposed to know #
# That something wasn't right? Yeah #
# Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn't have let you go #
# And now you're out of sight, yeah #
# Show me how you want it to be #
# Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know now #
# Just because my loneliness is killing me, and I... #
# I must confess I still believe #
# Still believe #
# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind #
# Give me a sign! #
# Hit me, baby, one more time! #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Yeah, hey, oh, baby, baby #
# Yeah, hey, yeah #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# How was I supposed to know? #
# Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go #
# I must confess #
# That my loneliness is killing me now #
# Don't you know I still believe? #
# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind #
# Give me a sign #
# Hit me, baby, one more time. #
Carl Howell: Rachel? Rachel, wake up. You Glee kids are impossible to work on. You're always moving around when you're under.
Rachel Berry: Is this real life?



Finn Hudson: Hey, take my hoodie. You look cold.
Rachel Berry: It's okay, I'm... Wait, you mean you don't like my new look?
Finn Hudson: Don't you think it's a bit much? I mean, I think that guy just broke up with his girlfriend just so he could stare at you.
Rachel Berry: I'm just doing what you told me. Besides, it's not like when I went all sad clown hooker and put on that ridiculous Grease cat suit. This is just like my regular look with the volume turned up.
Azimio Adams: Ooh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on.
Dave Karofsky: How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?
Finn Hudson: You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you.
Rachel Berry: Objectifying.
Finn Hudson: Whatever! Just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team, but it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweater?
Rachel Berry: Look, I see your point. In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other. So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team... if you can.
Brittany S. Pierce: It looks like a Jewish cloud.
Jacob Ben Israel: What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house. Wanky, wanky!



Emma Pillsbury: I kinda liked your old car.
Will Schuester: That car was a metaphor for everything that was wrong with my life, my fear of change. That dragging muffler was like the chains of Marley's Ghost. Now they're gone and I feel like a free man!
Emma Pillsbury: By buying the same car as Carl?
Will Schuester: His didn't have heated seats. Oh, come on, Emma, I'm just doing everything you said I should do. I'm loosening up, and I feel amazing! Let's take her for a spin. Oh, this is my jam!
# Well, it's not that far to paradise #
# At least it's not for me #
# And if the wind is right, we can sail away #
# And find tranquility #
Terri Del Monico: Get out of the car!
Will Schuester: Watch this.
Terri Del Monico: I'm taking this back to the dealer. Oh, hey, home wrecker!
Will Schuester: Do I have to remind you that we are divorced?!
Terri Del Monico: I am reminded every month when I get my spousal support check! The one that I know you can't send me if you're buying a car that you can't afford!
Will Schuester: Emma.
Terri Del Monico: You know what? Actually... I think you should keep this car. You should enjoy it, you know, at leastntil they repossess it. But just don't buy any more big-ticket items, okay?
Will Schuester: Why is that?
Terri Del Monico: Because someday you are going to come to your senses, Will, and you're going to get over that little Miss Crazypants, and you're going to come back to the one woman who really knows how to love you. And I just don't want you to have blown all of our savings when you do.
Will Schuester: Damn!



Santana Lopez: Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look. Yay.
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all.
Will Schuester: Wait. Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently.
Artie Abrams: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...
Finn Hudson: Hey, hey.
Rachel Berry: Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before. Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and again. And maybe it's a good thing.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's such a good thing. I can't believe it.
Sue Sylvester: William, a word.



Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue Sylvester: I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records-- you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... horror!



Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?
Rachel Berry: Thank you.
Jacob Ben Israel: Can I put some clothes on, please?
Sue Sylvester: No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.
Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was titillated.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, dear God, please don't ever say that word again.
Jacob Ben Israel: Can I go now, please? You gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.



Will Schuester: That is really gross, Sue, but they're kids. Hormones.
Sue Sylvester: William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand-new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a midlife crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.
Will Schuester: What's your point, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop-culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world. Wait just a second, now. You look more confused than ever. Is your Glee Club doing Britney Spears music? Is that why Rachel was wearing that inappropriate outfit?
Will Schuester: No. No, we are not doing Britney.
Sue Sylvester: Okay. Just checking.



Britney Spears: I'm serious-- you should put ranch dressing on it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: On pizza?
Britney Spears: Yeah, it's delicious. You should try it.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm 100% in love with you right now.
Artie Abrams: Hey, Britney.
Britney Spears: Oh, hey, Artie. Girl, you are such a fool for breaking up with such a sweetheart.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I know, Britney. Artie, I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: And I'm stronger.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm serious. You're hot.



Artie Abrams: # Ooh, hey, yeah #
# Hush, just stop #
# There's nothing you can do or say #
# Baby #
# I've had enough #
# I'm not your property as from today #
# Baby #
# You might think that I #
# Won't make it on my own #
# But now I'm stronger #
# Than yesterday #
# Now it's nothing but my way #
# My loneliness #
# Ain't killing me no more #
# I am stronger #
# Oh, yeah #
# Here I go on my own #
# I don't need nobody, better off alone #
# Here I go on my own now #
# I don't need nobody, not anybody #
# Here I go... #
# Here I go #
# Stronger than yesterday #
# It's nothing but my way #
# My loneliness #
# Ain't killing me no more #
# No more #
# I am stronger. #
Mmm, Britney.



Artie Abrams: What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: Oh. I'm, uh, going to run some laps. Gonna get back in shape and back on the team.
Artie Abrams: That's what I came here to talk to you about. I want on the team, too. Every day, Tina and Mike's Asian fusion grows stronger.
Finn Hudson: Look, I want to help you, dude, but... kind of need to take care of myself right now. I'm sorry.
Artie Abrams: I had a vision at the dentist. You and I were out on the field with the team, playing football. We were unstoppable. I just know that if we can show what I can do to Coach Beiste, she'd put me on the team.
Shannon Beiste: Show me what?
Artie Abrams: I... I wanted to ask you to reconsider putting me on the football team.
Finn Hudson: I'm not with him on this one.
Shannon Beiste: Well, you should be. I need you to help him get his uniform.
Finn Hudson: What?
Shannon Beiste: Well, don't just stare at me like a donkey with a wooden leg. Go see the equipment manager, and you boys get out on the field. Practice starts in five minutes.
Finn Hudson: Thanks, Coach. We won't let you down.
Shannon Beiste: Well, come on. Go!
Finn Hudson: Those are on backwards.



Quinn Fabray: I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did you get a leg transplant?
Artie Abrams: Nope. My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, there's no rules against it. We checked.
Artie Abrams: And I have Britney Spears to thank.
Brittany S. Pierce: You're welcome.
Artie Abrams: Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea, and it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team.
Rachel Berry: Wait. You're back on the football team?
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Suddenly, you're way hotter to me. Weird.
Noah Puckerman: Wait. I don't get it. How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?
Artie Abrams: The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams, often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, listen up.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may?
Will Schuester: Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about, and I know what you're going to say. The answer is no. No, I'm not going to stand in the way anymore. If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it. I know. Oh... And more than that, I am going to perform with you. Right?



Rachel Berry: I always thought the boys' locker room would be all sexy, but actually, it smells like feet in here.
Finn Hudson: Oh, Rachel, you can't be in here. You changed back to your old clothes.
Rachel Berry: I just want you to know that I heard everything that you said and that I respect your needs, and I'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.
Finn Hudson: Cool. Well, thanks. I gotta go.
Rachel Berry: Wait... I mean... d-don't you want to make me feel safe and happy, too?
Finn Hudson: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure. Wait. Wait. Do you want me to quit football?
Rachel Berry: Look, how am I supposed to trust that you're not just going to stray again? Remember your little fling with Brittany and Santana? I do... all right? Let's face it, Finn-- the only way that this relationship is going to work is if we're both losers.
Finn Hudson: Okay. Come here. This is how it's gonna happen: I'm going to be quarterback again, then I'm going to throw a touchdown in our first game, and then point to you in the stands so that everybody in the school knows you're my girlfriend. All right?
Rachel Berry: That's very romantic, but... I don't know.
Finn Hudson: Rachel, you can't ask me to choose between you and football.
Rachel Berry: Well, I am.



Emma Pillsbury: You need to sit where you can be seen. Why don't you sit at the top and wave your big, foamy finger? Yeah? Up there. It's so, so exciting!
Will Schuester: You know, I can get you backstage if you want.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, hey.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: You're all dressed up. You look like a cast member of Kids Incorporated.
Will Schuester: Well, I really want to loosen up a bit, so I'm, uh, helping the kids do Britney. Outrageous, right?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Oh. Showtime.
Sue Sylvester: Sit down! There's nothing to stand up and cheer about.
Becky Jackson: Hey, Coach! The glee club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly. I just found out.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, you're on red alert. If you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.
Becky Jackson: Got it, Coach.
Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up-to-date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to our homecoming pep assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment, the dulcimer club is on hiatus until further notice. But do we ever have a treat for you. Fresh off their last place finish at the Regionals, please give it up for the New Directions!
Brittany S. Pierce: # Baby, can't you see #
# I'm calling #
# A guy like you #
# Should wear a warning #
Rachel & Brittany: # You're dangerous #
# I'm loving it #
Jacob Ben Israel: I love Britney Spears!
Will & Brittany: # Too high #
# Can't come down #
# Losing my head, spinning round and round #
# O Oh, do you feel me now? #
New Directions: # With a taste of your lips #
# I'm on a ride #
Lauren Zizes: I want to be that hat!
New Directions: # You're toxic, I'm slipping under #
# With a taste of a poison paradise #
# I'm addicted to you #
# Don't you know that you're toxic? #
# And I love what you do #
# Don't you know that you're toxic? #
Jacob Ben Israel: Take it off! Yes!
Rachel, Brittany & Will: # It's getting late #
# To give you up #
# I took a sip #
# From my devil's cup #
# Slowly it's taking over me #
Will & Brittany: # Too high #
# Can't come down #
# It's in the air #
Lauren Zizes: Mr. Schue, let me be your Britney!
Will & Brittany: # And it's all around #
# Oh, can you feel me now? #
Will Schuester: # Oh #
New Directions: # With a taste of your lips #
# I'm on a ride #
Santana Lopez: # On a ride #
New Directions: # You're toxic, I'm slipping under #
Jacob Ben Israel: Oh!
New Directions: # With a taste of a poison paradise #
# I'm addicted to you #
Jacob Ben Israel: It's so sexy! It's so...!
New Directions: # Don't you know that you're toxic? #
# I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? #
Lauren Zizes: Mr. Schue, I want youbabies!
New Directions: # Intoxicate me now #
Jacob Ben Israel: Don't stop doing that! Don't stop doing that! Yes! Yes!
New Directions: # I think I'm ready now #
# Intoxicate me now #
# With your loving now #
# I think I'm ready #
Santana Lopez: # I think I'm ready now. #
Jacob Ben Israel: Uh-oh.
Sue Sylvester: It's a Britney Spears sex riot. Run the other way!



Will Schuester: How you doing, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Not sure if you heard, William, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot.
Will Schuester: Sue, you pulled the alarm. Everything was going fine!
Sue Sylvester: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon. And when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming "sex party" into the microphones of all three major networks.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.
Sue Sylvester: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer-- Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. And I'll see you in court.
Will Schuester: Emma... Look, what I did was a little weird. I know that. It was inappropriate for me to do Britney with the kids. I just thought you wanted me to be less uptight.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, I just wanted you to relax. You know, not stop being you. I know you're frustrated. You know, Terri's still on your case, you lost at regionals, Glee's still the bottom pickle in the barrel...
Will Schuester: You and Carl.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Me and Carl. Especially me and Carl. Look, have you ever noticed that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the world. She's got to rein it in, just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. No, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing.
Will Schuester: Because the boring someone I already am... wasn't good enough for you.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey, where you going?
Will Schuester: To return that car.



Finn Hudson: U.S. History... Crap, I forgot I was taking that.
Quinn Fabray: Congrats, Finn. You're back on the team, I'm head cheerleader again. Some kind of symmetry, don't you think? With all the nastiness between you and I behind us, I think we should be together. We'd be a shoo-in for Homecoming king and queen. So what do you say? You and me, 8:00, Breadstix?
Finn Hudson: Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you. Probably always will. But I'm not gonna get back together with you. There's someone else, and you know who that is. I'm asking you to respect that. I'm sorry.
Quinn Fabray: I said what you wanted me to, he shot me down. So congrats. Looks like he really loves you.



Will Schuester: All right. Rachel?
Rachel Berry: I have a song that I've prepared for the class.
Will Schuester: Sorry, Rachel, no Britney. I'm really happy that her music has inspired so many of you, even if that inspiration was brought about by a dangerous narcotic. And I think we've all come to appreciate her music and celebrity so much more this week. But honestly, she's just not us.
Kurt Hummel: I'm devastated. I can't believe we only did one Britney number.
Rachel Berry: I was actually gonna do something from our original assignment last week-- adult contemporary. But this is just a little bit more young adult.
Will Schuester: Oh. Great, Rachel. Well, let's hear it.
Rachel Berry: I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold onto how you were making me feel so much, that I was strangling you in my hands, like a little bird. I get now, that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.
Brittany S. Pierce: Finn can fly?
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week, I'm going to be performing a musical number by Kesha.
Mercedes Jones: Shh.
Rachel Berry: # When I was younger #
# I saw my daddy cry #
# And curse at the wind #
# He broke his own heart as I watched #
# As he tried to reassemble it #
# And my mama swore #
# She would never let herself forget #
# And that was the day that I promised #
# I'd never sing of love if it does not exist #
# But darling, you are #
# The only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# Oh #
# Oh... #
# I've got a tight grip on reality #
# But I can't #
# Let go of what's in front of me here #
# I know you're leaving in the morning #
# When you wake up, leave me with #
# Some kind of proof it's not a dream #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are #
# The only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# You are the only exception #
# And I'm on my way to believing #
# Oh #
# And I'm on my way to believing. #
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203. Grilled Cheesus

放送日:2010年10月5日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Artie made the football team, which is crazy, and Finn's not the quarterback anymore, this new kid Sam is. Can you believe it? Kurt's dad and Finn's mom are dating, and are really happy together, which makes Finn and Kurt sort of like brothers. They sure yell at each other like brothers.
Finn Hudson: Why is it so hard for you to understand?
Ian Brennan: Sue has a sister, Jean, who she doesn't yell at at all.
Sue Sylvester: I will always love you.
Ian Brennan: Which sort of makes her the only person Sue doesn't yell at. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Finn Hudson: It all started a week ago. I was super hungry, but my mom was gone, so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making the cool grill marks it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy. And when I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God. Literally. I had made a Grilled Cheesus. I'm so hungry. I'm not the most religious guy. I sort of worship Eric Clapton and Ochocinco, but this was different, so, I decided to see what it felt like to, you know, pray. Dear Grilled Cheesus... First of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you did sort of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club.



Finn Hudson: Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad.
Burt Hummel: Hey, that's my boy.
Kurt Hummel: You forgot your breakfast. Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.
Burt Hummel: What is this?
Kurt Hummel: It's an egg white wrap on a sprouted wheat tortilla, half a grapefruit and a green drink.
Burt Hummel: Where's my usual breakfast?
Kurt Hummel: A Coke and two Slim Jims?
Burt Hummel: Yeah. Breakfast of champions.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, you are not a kid anymore. You have to start taking care of yourself.
Burt Hummel: Well, I guess with enough hot sauce, this will all right. Thanks. Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over, and she has to work the night shift.
Kurt Hummel: I-I can't do this Friday. It's Sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale theater. It's a once-a-year event.
Burt Hummel: And last week, you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Kurt Hummel: Season six, Dad.
Burt Hummel: Okay, those Friday night dinners are a ritual in our family-- one your mom started.
Kurt Hummel: I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this? I, of all people, know how important the relationship is between you and Carole.
Burt Hummel: Those dinners are more than important. They're sacred. Okay, the whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedence over anything else you got going on.
Kurt Hummel: Sing-along Sound of Music is sacred to me.
Burt Hummel: What? You think I don't know that? Okay, wasn't I the one who bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six? Okay, the point is, if you start giving up stuff like Friday night dinners, then you got nothing to hold onto. Okay, let's face it, Kurt. If we don't schedule it, then we don't hang out. If we don't hang out, then our lives-- they just go right by each other. And we don't share very much.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, but I'm not missing something that I look forward to all year just for another dinner. Maybe we could do it Thursday or something.
Burt Hummel: I got to tell you, Kurt. I'm real disappointed in you.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue? I have something to say. Something happened to me, and I can't really get into it, but it's shaken me to my core.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, my God, he's coming out.
Finn Hudson: Why, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.
Noah Puckerman: That's way worse.
Finn Hudson: And I know there's others in here who dig him, too. And so I thought, maybe this week, we could pay tribute to him in music. You know, pay tribute to Jesus.
Kurt Hummel: Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.
Mercedes Jones: I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here.
Quinn Fabray: I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.
Santana Lopez: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?
Brittany S. Pierce: Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.
Will Schuester: Well, guys, maybe our song selections don't have to be about Jesus. We could do songs about spirituality.
Finn Hudson: You got a problem with Jesus?
Noah Puckerman: Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-money to cramp everybody else's style, 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.
Rachel Berry: Okay, okay, that doesn't make any sense. In fact, it's stupid.
Noah Puckerman: Are you calling Mr. Billy Joel stupid? At this time, I'd like to continue my streak of doing only songs by Jewish artists. Hit it.
# Come out, Virginia, don't let me wait #
# You Catholic girls start much too late #
# Oh, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate #
# I might as well be the one #
# Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray #
# They built you a temple and locked you away #
# Oh, but they never told you the price that you'd pay #
# For things that you might have done #
# Only the good die young! #
# Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa, whoa, oh #
# You got a nice white dress and a party on your confirmation #
# You got a brand-new soul #
# Mmm, and a cross of gold #
# Come out, come out, come out #
# Virginia, don't let me wait #
# You Catholic girls start much too late #
# But sooner or later, it comes down to f fate #
# I might as well be the one #
# You know that only the good die young #
# Tell ya, baby. #



Burt Hummel: Oh! Well, according to this, I've still got two left, but let me check, 'cause I don't trust the guy who does my inventory.
Customer: Who's that?
Burt Hummel: Me.
Customer: Oh. Oh, geez.
Burt Hummel: Oh.
Customer: Hey, you okay, man?
Burt Hummel: Yeah, just a little indigestion, you know. Don't buy salami at the gas station.



Will Schuester: Kurt? Can we talk to you outside?



Kurt Hummel: Where is he? Is he dead?
Dr. Lee: No, he's alive, but I'm sorry I don't have any other good news.
Kurt Hummel: I want to see him.
Dr. Lee: He hasn't regained consciousness.
Will Schuester: I thought he had a heart attack.
Dr. Lee: Brought on by an arrhythmia, which caused a lack of blood to his brain. That's what made him lose consciousness and what's keeping him comatose. We have him on lidocaine, but there's no guarantees they're going to work or what kind of damage was done to his brain by the lack of oxygen.
Kurt Hummel: I don't understand what you're saying. When is he going to wake up?
Dr. Lee: I don't know.
Will Schuester: Okay, just-just... just take us to him now, please.



Kurt Hummel: I need a minute.
Emma Pillsbury: I don't think you should be alone, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Please just give me a moment alone with my father.
Will Schuester: We'll be right outside.
Kurt Hummel: Dad? Can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand. I'm holding yours right now. Just squee back. Come on, Dad. Just squeeze my hand.



Finn Hudson: What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing. Dating Rachel is great, but she's kind of a prude, and I'm sort of going crazy. Anyway, her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs, and I'd really like to touch them. So, Cheesus, considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you, I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers. Amen.



Santana Lopez: Hey, Kurt. We're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Santana.
Brittany S. Pierce: I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.
Finn Hudson: What the hell happened?
Kurt Hummel: My dad's in the hospital.
Finn Hudson: I know. My mom just called me. I feel like I'm the last one to know!
Kurt Hummel: Well, I'm sorry, Finn. It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, well, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has, but I thought we were... sort of a family. Look, I-I guess I just... I didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys. Our thoughts are all with Kurt, and, uh, I know it's sort of hard to really focus on anything else...
Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: I've been struggling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say to Kurt all day, and I realize I don't want to say it, I want to sing it. This song is about being in a very dark place, and turning to God. It's a spiritual song, Mr. Schue. Is that okay?
Will Schuester: It's fine.
Mercedes Jones: Tina, Quinn, can you help me out, please?
# As I lay me down #
# Heaven, hear me now #
# I'm lost without a cause #
# After giving it my all #
# Winter storms have come #
# And darkened my sun #
# After all that I've been through #
# Who on earth can I turn to? #
# I look to you #
# I look to you #
# After all my strength is gone #
# In you I can be strong #
# I look to you #
# I look to you, oh... #
# And when melodies are gone #
# Yeah #
# Melodies are gone #
# In you I hear a song #
# I look to you... #
# Ooh... #
# I look #
# To you... #
Kurt Hummel: Thank you, Mercedes. Your voice is stunning, but... I don't believe in God.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait, what?
Kurt Hummel: You've all professed your beliefs. I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God's kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay and then has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father. I want my real one back.
Mercedes Jones: But Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.
Kurt Hummel: You can't prove that there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?
Brittany S. Pierce: Is God an evil dwarf?
Quinn Fabray: We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Quinn. But you all can believe whatever you want to. But I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thoughts... but I don't want your prayers.



Will Schuester: How did you even find out about the lesson?
Sue Sylvester: I have cameras everywhere, William.
Will Schuester: I'm giving a lesson on spirituality. I don't understand what the big deal is.
Sue Sylvester: Well, the big deal is that this is a public school, and there's this little thing called separation of church and state, which happens to be the pillar of a functioning civil society.
Principal Figgins: But Sue, children should be allowed to profess whatever faith they choose.
Sue Sylvester: At the BET Awards, but not in a public school.
Will Schuester: Sue, I'm trying to help these kids. Kurt is struggling with some really tough issues.
Sue Sylvester: Well, William, if your kids want to praise Jesus in class, I suggest they enroll at Sweet Holy Mother of God Academy on I Love Jesus Street, but not here. This country is not a monarchy, William. Trust me, I've tried. And as much as I enjoy giving impromptu civics lessons, I got work to do.



Rachel Berry: Finn, please... sit.
Finn Hudson: You're upset about Kurt's dad, too?
Rachel Berry: Yes. But more importantly, let's discuss your newfound love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys, and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will be raised in a certain way.
Finn Hudson: You don't think you're gonna have sex till you're 25?
Rachel Berry: I want my children to be raised in the Jewish faith. Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.
Finn Hudson: Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and... and wear those hats and... and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.
Rachel Berry: Let's lay down on the bed.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Rachel Berry: Finn... I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me.
Finn Hudson: Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.



Sue Sylvester: I need to know what's going on with that Glee Club. Brittany, Jugs the Clown, go.
Santana Lopez: Mostly just everyone's really sad for Kurt, and no one really knows how to help.
Brittany S. Pierce: I made him a card that said "Heart attacks are just from loving too much."
Sue Sylvester: Schuester's still pushing the Lil' Jeezy?
Santana Lopez: I guess so. Although I don't really see what the big deal is. But Kurt's definitely not into it.



Sue Sylvester: How's your father?
Kurt Hummel: They say his condition is critical but stable. Good news, I guess.
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I guess I don't have to-- I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester's doing in that classroom even more than usual. But I can't go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.
Kurt Hummel: So you want me to be your scapegoat?
Sue Sylvester: No. You don't understand. I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it-- it aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.



Emma Pillsbury: What is wrong with you?
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry, Madame Secretary, I'm gonna have to call you back. Love to Bill.
Emma Pillsbury: There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father. How could you get in the way when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant?
Sue Sylvester: Have a seat. Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her. And so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after a while I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough... it's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy... however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.
Emma Pillsbury: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?
Sue Sylvester: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how openhearted or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine. But please keep it to yourself.
Sue Sylvester: So long as you do the same. That kid could lose his father at any moment. You should start preparing him for that. Now get the hell out of my office. I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergi to your lustrous ginger mane.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious-- we can't win.
Brittany S. Pierce: Now I know what Miley feels like.
Rachel Berry: The real tragedy here is that I found the most perfect spiritual song to sing this week, and now it's been torn away from me like Sophie's daughter.
Will Schuester: Guys, you can still sing whatever songs you like that sum up your feelings about God, about spirit. You just can't do it on school time.
Santana Lopez: I hope you're happy, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Having the week of my life, actually.
Will Schuester: Guys... back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind.
Mercedes Jones: Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through, but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good.
Kurt Hummel: It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one.



Finn Hudson: Cheesus, I don't need to tell you how much you rule. You've given me everything I've prayed for, and it turns out Rachel's boobs are really awesome. Anyway, I need another favor, so, Cheesus... I pray that I'm made quarterback again. Sam's a good dude-- I just think that I can deliver your message to the world more powerfully if I'm the most popular guy in the school again.
Noah Puckerman: What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: Nothing. Eating. So I pray before I eat now-- what's the big deal? You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you?
Noah Puckerman: No. It's cool. To tell you the truth, I actually went to temple with my nanny yesterday. I know it makes me a wuss, but I'm bummed about Kurt's dad. I've kind of been praying for him. I know how hard it is not to have a father, you know? What do you pray for?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Same stuff.
Noah Puckerman: You burned your grilled cheese.



Finn Hudson: Why are we in the park?
Rachel Berry: 'Cause I don't want anything coming between us and God. And because Yentl was outside when she sang this song in the movie. I just hope that God hears this song as a prayer for Burt Hummel and decides to bring him back to us.
# God... #
Our Heavenly Father,
# Oh, God... #
And my father, o is also in Heaven.
# May the light #
Of this flickering candle...
# Illuminate the night #
# The way your spirit illuminates #
# My soul... #
# Papa #
# Can you hear me? #
# Papa #
# Can you see me? #
# Papa, can you hear me #
# In the night #
# Papa, are you near me? #
# Papa, can you hear me? #
# Papa, can you help me not be frightened #
# Looking at the skies, I seem to see a million eyes #
# Which ones are yours? #
# Where are you now that yesterday has come and gone #
# And closed its doors? #
# The night is so much darker #
# The wind is so much colder #
# The world I see is so much bigger #
# Now that I'm alone #
# Papa, please forgive me, try to understand me #
# Papa, don't you know I had no choice? #
# Can you hear me praying, anything I'm saying? #
# Even though the night #
# Is filled with voices #
# I remember everything you taught me #
# Every book I've ever read... #
# Can all the words in all the books #
# Help me to face what lies ahead? #
# The trees are so much taller #
# And I feel so much smaller #
# The moon is twice as lonely #
# And the stars are #
# Half as bright #
# Papa, how I love you #
# Papa, how I need you #
# Papa, how I miss you #
# Kissing me #
# Good night... #
Who's next?
Kurt Hummel: What's going on in here?
Rachel Berry: We-We were just praying for your dad.
Mercedes Jones: Rachel, Quinn, and I are taking turns. We're from different denominations and religions, so we figured one of us is bound to be right.
Kurt Hummel: I didn't ask you to do this.
Carole Hudson: Honey, I know you're upset about what's happening, I get it, but friends help out, even when you don't ask.
Sikh: Mr. Kurt Hummel?
Finn Hudson: Dude, why didn't you just tell us you wanted to pray in Muslim?
Sikh: I'm not Muslim, I'm a Sikh.
Kurt Hummel: She's going to see if acupuncture will improve the circulation to my dad's brain. Amazingly, needles pierce the skin better than psalms. Can you all please leave now?
Rachel Berry: We just wanted to do something.



Sam Evans: Red 42 on three.
Football Players: Break.
Finn Hudson: Wait. That cornerback's been cheating right all night. We should naked bootleg left.
Sam Evans: That ogre linebacker's on the left. He's been killing me all game.
Finn Hudson: Dude, trust me, I'm the only guy who's ever actually won a game on this field.
Sam Evans: Okay, naked bootleg left, I keep on three. All right, you ready?
Football Players: Break.
Shannon Beiste: That's not what I called.
Sam Evans: Yah! Hike!
Finn Hudson: Is he okay?
Shannon Beiste: His shoulder's dislocated. This is what happens when you change my plays in the huddle.
Sam Evans: I don't understand, that guy came out of nowhere.
Shannon Beiste: I know, that kid's been cheating right all night. No reason for him to be there. It's just bad luck.
Trainer: We need to get him to the E.R.
Shannon Beiste: Okay, let's go. It's in your hands now, Lurch. Congratulations, you're the quarterback again.



Will Schuester: I know things have been pretty morose around here this past week, but I want to celebrate some good news for our little family. Let's hear it for Finn on getting back his quarterback job and leading the Titans to a win in their second game of the season.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, too bad that Sam kid had to have his arm basically ripped off for it to happen, but it's good to have you back in the saddle, brother.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: Um, I wanted to thank everyone for your kind e-mails and queries about my dad, but for your information, his condition mains the same. I need to express myself, so with your permission, Mr. Schue, I've prepared a number for the occasion.
Will Schuester: Of course, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: On the day of my mom's funeral, when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying. I mean, that was it. It was the last time I was ever going to see her, and I remember I looked up at my dad and I, I just wanted him to say something, just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn't over, and he just took my hand and squeezed it. And just knowing that those hands were there to take care of me... that was enough. This is for my dad.
# Yeah, I'll #
# Tell you something #
# I think you'll understand #
# When I say #
# That something #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold your hand #
# Oh, please #
# Say to me #
# You'll let me be your man #
# And please #
# Say to me #
# You'll let me hold #
# Your hand #
# Now let me hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# And when I touch you #
# I feel happy #
# Inside #
# It's such a feeling #
# That my love #
# I can't hide #
# I can't hide #
# I can't #
# Hide... #
# Yeah, you #
# Got that something #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand. #



Mercedes Jones: Kurt, can I talk to you for a second? I know you're going through a really scary time right now, but I feel like I don't know how to be around you anymore, and I know you're not really spiritual or whatever, but I feel like you're closing yourself to a world of experiences that might surprise you.
Kurt Hummel: You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be pushing my friends away, especially friends as fabulous as you.
Mercedes Jones: Do me a favor-- one thing. Come to church with me this Sunday. Our church does this thing where we dedicate the service to someone, and I got them to dedicate this Sunday to your dad.
Kurt Hummel: I don't know.
Mercedes Jones: You get to wear a fabulous hat.
Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, you had me at "fabulous hat."
Mercedes Jones: Come on, let's go to class.



Finn Hudson: I have to confess something. I'm the reason Sam got hurt. I asked for three things to happen-- one, for us to win our first football game, two, to get to second base with Rachel, and three, to be the quarterback on the football team again. All those three things happened because I prayed for them to Grilled Cheesus.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Where to start?
Finn Hudson: No, no, I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't. Jesus appeared to me on a sandwich and it has special powers, I'm telling you, but I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, let's just-- let's take a second. Okay? Um... look, first, you won the football game because you actually have a coach who spends the game watching the plays rather than biting his toenails. And God didn't let you touch Rachel's boobs. Rachel did.
Finn Hudson: Just the sides of them, but wait, why would she do that?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, what were you doing right before you were touching them? What?
Finn Hudson: I remember yawning. Right, 'cause we were talking about emotional stuff.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yes, well, there you go, that's it. Girls like that. She felt close to you, thus the inappropriate touching. Uh, more importantly, you didn't hurt Sam. It was a 300-pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23. God works in all kinds of mysterious ways, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches. You look disappointed.
Finn Hudson: I am. It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God. Now I just feel like everybody else, you know, like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that.
Emma Pillsbury: You're not alone. The big questions are really big for a reason-- they're hard. But you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them.
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
# Life is bigger #
# It's bigger than you and you are not me #
# The lengths that I will go to #
# The distance in your eyes #
# I've said enough #
# That's me in the corner #
# That's me in the spotlight #
# Losing my religion #
# Trying to keep up with you #
# And I don't know if I can do it #
# Oh, no, I've said too much #
# I haven't said enough #
# I thought that I heard you laughing #
# I thought that I heard you sing #
# I think I thought I saw you try #
# But that was just a dream #
# Just a dream, just a dream #
# Dream. #
Tina Cohen-Chang: I thought we couldn't sing songs about religion.
Mercedes Jones: Evidently, we can't sing about faith, but we can sing about losing faith?
Will Schuester: That's sort of what I want to talk about today. Well, earlier in the week, Finn, it seemed like you felt differently.
Finn Hudson: Well, I used to think God was up there looking over me. Now, I'm not so sure.



Kurt Hummel: I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best. It's so Christ-chic. I hope our genuflection to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky don't take too long. My Sikh is coming again today at 2:00 to do more acupuncture on my dad.
Mercedes Jones: Is it working?
Kurt Hummel: Not yet. Nothing is.
Mercedes Jones: I have to go be with my choir.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, don't, don't...
Mercedes Jones: Hi, church.
All: Hi.
Mercedes Jones: I have a favor to ask you guys. My friend Kurt Hummel's dad is in the hospital. And it's pretty bad. And I know we have all of our own worries and troubles, but if we could just put them aside and focus all of our prayers and give them to Burt Hummel, and to my friend Kurt. I know you don't believe in God, and you don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay. To each his own. But you've got to believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold onto and without something that's sacred. Anyway, Kurt, this song is for you.
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #
# Give it up, why don't you? #
# Whoa, whoa, yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # Whoa, yeah #
# When you're down and out #
# When you're in the street #
# When evenin' falls so hard #
# I will comfort you #
# I'll take your part #
Church Choir: # Ooh, ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
# Oh, when darkness comes #
Church Choir: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # And there's no one #
# No one you love around #
# Just like a bridge over troubled waters #
# I will lay me down #
Church Choir: # Like a bridge #
Mercedes Jones: # Like a bridge #
Church Choir: # Over troubled water #
Mercedes Jones: # Over troubled water #
# I will lay me down #
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah #
Church Choir: # Give it up #
Mercedes Jones: # Give it up, yeah #
Church Choir: # Why don't you #
# Let it be? #
Mercedes Jones: # Let it, let it, let it, let it #
# Let it, let it, let it be, yeah #
Church Choir: # Still waters run deep #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey, hey #
Church Choir: # Yes, they do #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, yeah, yeah #
# Oh, yeah... #
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #
Mercedes Jones: # Trouble... #
# I'll be there when you need a friend #
Church Choir: # To lay me down #
# Why don't you, why don't you let it be? #
Mercedes Jones: # I'll be your bridge over troubled water #
# Hey, hey, yeah #
Church Choir: # Still waters run deep #
# Yes, they do #
Mercedes Jones: # Yes, they do #
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the #
Mercedes Jones: # Trouble the water. #
Church Choir: # Water... #



Sue Sylvester: No. This one, baby.
Jean Sylvester: Oh, this one.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah.
Jean Sylvester: Boom. Boom. I won!
Sue Sylvester: Oh!
Jean Sylvester: Sue, you're letting me win.
Sue Sylvester: No, I swear it. I'm not!
Jean Sylvester: You're letting me win, Sue. You're letting me win.
Sue Sylvester: Do you believe in God, Jeannie?
Jean Sylvester: Do you?
Sue Sylvester: No, I don't.
Jean Sylvester: Why not?
Sue Sylvester: Because when we were little girls, you were perfect in my eyes... And I watched the world be cruel to you, so...
Jean Sylvester: God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe. You want me to pray for you, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. That would be nice. I win. I cheated. I can't do that.



Kurt Hummel: You never could dress yourself. Mercedes took me to church on Sunday. It's funny, but when the choir was singing, this memory flashed into my head. Do you remember our first Friday night dinner after Mom died? You tried to make a chicken. I guess you wanted me to feel like there was something still normal. You put it on the table, and you cut into it, and it was raw. And we both looked at each other for a second, and cracked up before we remembered that we weren't supposed to yet. I'm sorry about the other day, Dad. I should have let those guys pray for you. It wasn't about me. It was about you, and... it was nice. I don't believe in God, Dad. But I believe in you. And I believe in us. You and me-- that's what's sacred to me. And I am... I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you that. Dad? Nurse Nancy! Dad, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # If God had a name what it would it be? #
# And would you call it to his face #
# If you were faced with him in all his glory? #
# What would you ask if you had just one question? #
Finn Hudson: # And yeah, yeah, God is great #
# Yeah, yeah #
# God is good #
# Yeah, yeah #
Finn & Rachel: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# What if God was one of us? #
Mercedes Jones: # What if God was one of us #
Finn & Rachel: # Oh, just a slob like one of us? #
Mercedes Jones: # Just a slob like one of us #
Finn & Rachel: # Just a stranger on the bus #
# Trying to make his way home #
Mercedes Jones: # Trying to make his way home #
Finn & Rachel: # Just trying to make his way home #
Mercedes Jones: # Trying to find his way home #
Finn & Rachel: # Just trying to make his way home... #
Will Schuester: The kids really wanted to do this song, Sue, so I let 'em. You gonna get me fired? Report me?
Sue Sylvester: No.


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Artie made the football team, which is crazy, and Finn's not the quarterback anymore, this new kid Sam is. Can you believe it? Kurt's dad and Finn's mom are dating, and are really happy together, which makes Finn and Kurt sort of like brothers. They sure yell at each other like brothers.
Finn Hudson: Why is it so hard for you to understand?
Ian Brennan: Sue has a sister, Jean, who she doesn't yell at at all.
Sue Sylvester: I will always love you.
Ian Brennan: Which sort of makes her the only person Sue doesn't yell at. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Finn Hudson: It all started a week ago. I was super hungry, but my mom was gone, so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making the cool grill marks it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy. And when I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God. Literally. I had made a Grilled Cheesus. I'm so hungry. I'm not the most religious guy. I sort of worship Eric Clapton and Ochocinco, but this was different, so, I decided to see what it felt like to, you know, pray. Dear Grilled Cheesus... First of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you did sort of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club.



Finn Hudson: Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.



Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad.
Burt Hummel: Hey, that's my boy.
Kurt Hummel: You forgot your breakfast. Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.
Burt Hummel: What is this?
Kurt Hummel: It's an egg white wrap on a sprouted wheat tortilla, half a grapefruit and a green drink.
Burt Hummel: Where's my usual breakfast?
Kurt Hummel: A Coke and two Slim Jims?
Burt Hummel: Yeah. Breakfast of champions.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, you are not a kid anymore. You have to start taking care of yourself.
Burt Hummel: Well, I guess with enough hot sauce, this will all right. Thanks. Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over, and she has to work the night shift.
Kurt Hummel: I-I can't do this Friday. It's Sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale theater. It's a once-a-year event.
Burt Hummel: And last week, you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Kurt Hummel: Season six, Dad.
Burt Hummel: Okay, those Friday night dinners are a ritual in our family-- one your mom started.
Kurt Hummel: I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this? I, of all people, know how important the relationship is between you and Carole.
Burt Hummel: Those dinners are more than important. They're sacred. Okay, the whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedence over anything else you got going on.
Kurt Hummel: Sing-along Sound of Music is sacred to me.
Burt Hummel: What? You think I don't know that? Okay, wasn't I the one who bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six? Okay, the point is, if you start giving up stuff like Friday night dinners, then you got nothing to hold onto. Okay, let's face it, Kurt. If we don't schedule it, then we don't hang out. If we don't hang out, then our lives-- they just go right by each other. And we don't share very much.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, but I'm not missing something that I look forward to all year just for another dinner. Maybe we could do it Thursday or something.
Burt Hummel: I got to tell you, Kurt. I'm real disappointed in you.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue? I have something to say. Something happened to me, and I can't really get into it, but it's shaken me to my core.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, my God, he's coming out.
Finn Hudson: Why, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.
Noah Puckerman: That's way worse.
Finn Hudson: And I know there's others in here who dig him, too. And so I thought, maybe this week, we could pay tribute to him in music. You know, pay tribute to Jesus.
Kurt Hummel: Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.
Mercedes Jones: I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here.
Quinn Fabray: I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.
Santana Lopez: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?
Brittany S. Pierce: Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.
Will Schuester: Well, guys, maybe our song selections don't have to be about Jesus. We could do songs about spirituality.
Finn Hudson: You got a problem with Jesus?
Noah Puckerman: Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-money to cramp everybody else's style, 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.
Rachel Berry: Okay, okay, that doesn't make any sense. In fact, it's stupid.
Noah Puckerman: Are you calling Mr. Billy Joel stupid? At this time, I'd like to continue my streak of doing only songs by Jewish artists. Hit it.
# Come out, Virginia, don't let me wait #
# You Catholic girls start much too late #
# Oh, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate #
# I might as well be the one #
# Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray #
# They built you a temple and locked you away #
# Oh, but they never told you the price that you'd pay #
# For things that you might have done #
# Only the good die young! #
# Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa, whoa, oh #
# You got a nice white dress and a party on your confirmation #
# You got a brand-new soul #
# Mmm, and a cross of gold #
# Come out, come out, come out #
# Virginia, don't let me wait #
# You Catholic girls start much too late #
# But sooner or later, it comes down to f fate #
# I might as well be the one #
# You know that only the good die young #
# Tell ya, baby. #



Burt Hummel: Oh! Well, according to this, I've still got two left, but let me check, 'cause I don't trust the guy who does my inventory.
Customer: Who's that?
Burt Hummel: Me.
Customer: Oh. Oh, geez.
Burt Hummel: Oh.
Customer: Hey, you okay, man?
Burt Hummel: Yeah, just a little indigestion, you know. Don't buy salami at the gas station.



Will Schuester: Kurt? Can we talk to you outside?



Kurt Hummel: Where is he? Is he dead?
Dr. Lee: No, he's alive, but I'm sorry I don't have any other good news.
Kurt Hummel: I want to see him.
Dr. Lee: He hasn't regained consciousness.
Will Schuester: I thought he had a heart attack.
Dr. Lee: Brought on by an arrhythmia, which caused a lack of blood to his brain. That's what made him lose consciousness and what's keeping him comatose. We have him on lidocaine, but there's no guarantees they're going to work or what kind of damage was done to his brain by the lack of oxygen.
Kurt Hummel: I don't understand what you're saying. When is he going to wake up?
Dr. Lee: I don't know.
Will Schuester: Okay, just-just... just take us to him now, please.



Kurt Hummel: I need a minute.
Emma Pillsbury: I don't think you should be alone, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Please just give me a moment alone with my father.
Will Schuester: We'll be right outside.
Kurt Hummel: Dad? Can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand. I'm holding yours right now. Just squee back. Come on, Dad. Just squeeze my hand.



Finn Hudson: What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing. Dating Rachel is great, but she's kind of a prude, and I'm sort of going crazy. Anyway, her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs, and I'd really like to touch them. So, Cheesus, considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you, I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers. Amen.



Santana Lopez: Hey, Kurt. We're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Santana.
Brittany S. Pierce: I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.
Finn Hudson: What the hell happened?
Kurt Hummel: My dad's in the hospital.
Finn Hudson: I know. My mom just called me. I feel like I'm the last one to know!
Kurt Hummel: Well, I'm sorry, Finn. It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, well, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has, but I thought we were... sort of a family. Look, I-I guess I just... I didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.
Will Schuester: Hey, guys. Our thoughts are all with Kurt, and, uh, I know it's sort of hard to really focus on anything else...
Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Mercedes Jones: I've been struggling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say to Kurt all day, and I realize I don't want to say it, I want to sing it. This song is about being in a very dark place, and turning to God. It's a spiritual song, Mr. Schue. Is that okay?
Will Schuester: It's fine.
Mercedes Jones: Tina, Quinn, can you help me out, please?
# As I lay me down #
# Heaven, hear me now #
# I'm lost without a cause #
# After giving it my all #
# Winter storms have come #
# And darkened my sun #
# After all that I've been through #
# Who on earth can I turn to? #
# I look to you #
# I look to you #
# After all my strength is gone #
# In you I can be strong #
# I look to you #
# I look to you, oh... #
# And when melodies are gone #
# Yeah #
# Melodies are gone #
# In you I hear a song #
# I look to you... #
# Ooh... #
# I look #
# To you... #
Kurt Hummel: Thank you, Mercedes. Your voice is stunning, but... I don't believe in God.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait, what?
Kurt Hummel: You've all professed your beliefs. I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God's kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay and then has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father. I want my real one back.
Mercedes Jones: But Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.
Kurt Hummel: You can't prove that there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?
Brittany S. Pierce: Is God an evil dwarf?
Quinn Fabray: We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Quinn. But you all can believe whatever you want to. But I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thoughts... but I don't want your prayers.



Will Schuester: How did you even find out about the lesson?
Sue Sylvester: I have cameras everywhere, William.
Will Schuester: I'm giving a lesson on spirituality. I don't understand what the big deal is.
Sue Sylvester: Well, the big deal is that this is a public school, and there's this little thing called separation of church and state, which happens to be the pillar of a functioning civil society.
Principal Figgins: But Sue, children should be allowed to profess whatever faith they choose.
Sue Sylvester: At the BET Awards, but not in a public school.
Will Schuester: Sue, I'm trying to help these kids. Kurt is struggling with some really tough issues.
Sue Sylvester: Well, William, if your kids want to praise Jesus in class, I suggest they enroll at Sweet Holy Mother of God Academy on I Love Jesus Street, but not here. This country is not a monarchy, William. Trust me, I've tried. And as much as I enjoy giving impromptu civics lessons, I got work to do.



Rachel Berry: Finn, please... sit.
Finn Hudson: You're upset about Kurt's dad, too?
Rachel Berry: Yes. But more importantly, let's discuss your newfound love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys, and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will be raised in a certain way.
Finn Hudson: You don't think you're gonna have sex till you're 25?
Rachel Berry: I want my children to be raised in the Jewish faith. Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.
Finn Hudson: Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and... and wear those hats and... and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.
Rachel Berry: Let's lay down on the bed.
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Rachel Berry: Finn... I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me.
Finn Hudson: Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.



Sue Sylvester: I need to know what's going on with that Glee Club. Brittany, Jugs the Clown, go.
Santana Lopez: Mostly just everyone's really sad for Kurt, and no one really knows how to help.
Brittany S. Pierce: I made him a card that said "Heart attacks are just from loving too much."
Sue Sylvester: Schuester's still pushing the Lil' Jeezy?
Santana Lopez: I guess so. Although I don't really see what the big deal is. But Kurt's definitely not into it.



Sue Sylvester: How's your father?
Kurt Hummel: They say his condition is critical but stable. Good news, I guess.
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I guess I don't have to-- I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester's doing in that classroom even more than usual. But I can't go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.
Kurt Hummel: So you want me to be your scapegoat?
Sue Sylvester: No. You don't understand. I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it-- it aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.



Emma Pillsbury: What is wrong with you?
Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry, Madame Secretary, I'm gonna have to call you back. Love to Bill.
Emma Pillsbury: There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father. How could you get in the way when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant?
Sue Sylvester: Have a seat. Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her. And so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after a while I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough... it's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy... however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.
Emma Pillsbury: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?
Sue Sylvester: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how openhearted or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine. But please keep it to yourself.
Sue Sylvester: So long as you do the same. That kid could lose his father at any moment. You should start preparing him for that. Now get the hell out of my office. I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergi to your lustrous ginger mane.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious-- we can't win.
Brittany S. Pierce: Now I know what Miley feels like.
Rachel Berry: The real tragedy here is that I found the most perfect spiritual song to sing this week, and now it's been torn away from me like Sophie's daughter.
Will Schuester: Guys, you can still sing whatever songs you like that sum up your feelings about God, about spirit. You just can't do it on school time.
Santana Lopez: I hope you're happy, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Having the week of my life, actually.
Will Schuester: Guys... back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind.
Mercedes Jones: Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through, but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good.
Kurt Hummel: It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one.



Finn Hudson: Cheesus, I don't need to tell you how much you rule. You've given me everything I've prayed for, and it turns out Rachel's boobs are really awesome. Anyway, I need another favor, so, Cheesus... I pray that I'm made quarterback again. Sam's a good dude-- I just think that I can deliver your message to the world more powerfully if I'm the most popular guy in the school again.
Noah Puckerman: What are you doing?
Finn Hudson: Nothing. Eating. So I pray before I eat now-- what's the big deal? You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you?
Noah Puckerman: No. It's cool. To tell you the truth, I actually went to temple with my nanny yesterday. I know it makes me a wuss, but I'm bummed about Kurt's dad. I've kind of been praying for him. I know how hard it is not to have a father, you know? What do you pray for?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Same stuff.
Noah Puckerman: You burned your grilled cheese.



Finn Hudson: Why are we in the park?
Rachel Berry: 'Cause I don't want anything coming between us and God. And because Yentl was outside when she sang this song in the movie. I just hope that God hears this song as a prayer for Burt Hummel and decides to bring him back to us.
# God... #
Our Heavenly Father,
# Oh, God... #
And my father, o is also in Heaven.
# May the light #
Of this flickering candle...
# Illuminate the night #
# The way your spirit illuminates #
# My soul... #
# Papa #
# Can you hear me? #
# Papa #
# Can you see me? #
# Papa, can you hear me #
# In the night #
# Papa, are you near me? #
# Papa, can you hear me? #
# Papa, can you help me not be frightened #
# Looking at the skies, I seem to see a million eyes #
# Which ones are yours? #
# Where are you now that yesterday has come and gone #
# And closed its doors? #
# The night is so much darker #
# The wind is so much colder #
# The world I see is so much bigger #
# Now that I'm alone #
# Papa, please forgive me, try to understand me #
# Papa, don't you know I had no choice? #
# Can you hear me praying, anything I'm saying? #
# Even though the night #
# Is filled with voices #
# I remember everything you taught me #
# Every book I've ever read... #
# Can all the words in all the books #
# Help me to face what lies ahead? #
# The trees are so much taller #
# And I feel so much smaller #
# The moon is twice as lonely #
# And the stars are #
# Half as bright #
# Papa, how I love you #
# Papa, how I need you #
# Papa, how I miss you #
# Kissing me #
# Good night... #
Who's next?
Kurt Hummel: What's going on in here?
Rachel Berry: We-We were just praying for your dad.
Mercedes Jones: Rachel, Quinn, and I are taking turns. We're from different denominations and religions, so we figured one of us is bound to be right.
Kurt Hummel: I didn't ask you to do this.
Carole Hudson: Honey, I know you're upset about what's happening, I get it, but friends help out, even when you don't ask.
Sikh: Mr. Kurt Hummel?
Finn Hudson: Dude, why didn't you just tell us you wanted to pray in Muslim?
Sikh: I'm not Muslim, I'm a Sikh.
Kurt Hummel: She's going to see if acupuncture will improve the circulation to my dad's brain. Amazingly, needles pierce the skin better than psalms. Can you all please leave now?
Rachel Berry: We just wanted to do something.



Sam Evans: Red 42 on three.
Football Players: Break.
Finn Hudson: Wait. That cornerback's been cheating right all night. We should naked bootleg left.
Sam Evans: That ogre linebacker's on the left. He's been killing me all game.
Finn Hudson: Dude, trust me, I'm the only guy who's ever actually won a game on this field.
Sam Evans: Okay, naked bootleg left, I keep on three. All right, you ready?
Football Players: Break.
Shannon Beiste: That's not what I called.
Sam Evans: Yah! Hike!
Finn Hudson: Is he okay?
Shannon Beiste: His shoulder's dislocated. This is what happens when you change my plays in the huddle.
Sam Evans: I don't understand, that guy came out of nowhere.
Shannon Beiste: I know, that kid's been cheating right all night. No reason for him to be there. It's just bad luck.
Trainer: We need to get him to the E.R.
Shannon Beiste: Okay, let's go. It's in your hands now, Lurch. Congratulations, you're the quarterback again.



Will Schuester: I know things have been pretty morose around here this past week, but I want to celebrate some good news for our little family. Let's hear it for Finn on getting back his quarterback job and leading the Titans to a win in their second game of the season.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, too bad that Sam kid had to have his arm basically ripped off for it to happen, but it's good to have you back in the saddle, brother.
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: Um, I wanted to thank everyone for your kind e-mails and queries about my dad, but for your information, his condition mains the same. I need to express myself, so with your permission, Mr. Schue, I've prepared a number for the occasion.
Will Schuester: Of course, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: On the day of my mom's funeral, when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying. I mean, that was it. It was the last time I was ever going to see her, and I remember I looked up at my dad and I, I just wanted him to say something, just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn't over, and he just took my hand and squeezed it. And just knowing that those hands were there to take care of me... that was enough. This is for my dad.
# Yeah, I'll #
# Tell you something #
# I think you'll understand #
# When I say #
# That something #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold your hand #
# Oh, please #
# Say to me #
# You'll let me be your man #
# And please #
# Say to me #
# You'll let me hold #
# Your hand #
# Now let me hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# And when I touch you #
# I feel happy #
# Inside #
# It's such a feeling #
# That my love #
# I can't hide #
# I can't hide #
# I can't #
# Hide... #
# Yeah, you #
# Got that something #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand #
# I want to hold #
# Your hand. #



Mercedes Jones: Kurt, can I talk to you for a second? I know you're going through a really scary time right now, but I feel like I don't know how to be around you anymore, and I know you're not really spiritual or whatever, but I feel like you're closing yourself to a world of experiences that might surprise you.
Kurt Hummel: You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be pushing my friends away, especially friends as fabulous as you.
Mercedes Jones: Do me a favor-- one thing. Come to church with me this Sunday. Our church does this thing where we dedicate the service to someone, and I got them to dedicate this Sunday to your dad.
Kurt Hummel: I don't know.
Mercedes Jones: You get to wear a fabulous hat.
Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, you had me at "fabulous hat."
Mercedes Jones: Come on, let's go to class.



Finn Hudson: I have to confess something. I'm the reason Sam got hurt. I asked for three things to happen-- one, for us to win our first football game, two, to get to second base with Rachel, and three, to be the quarterback on the football team again. All those three things happened because I prayed for them to Grilled Cheesus.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Where to start?
Finn Hudson: No, no, I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't. Jesus appeared to me on a sandwich and it has special powers, I'm telling you, but I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, let's just-- let's take a second. Okay? Um... look, first, you won the football game because you actually have a coach who spends the game watching the plays rather than biting his toenails. And God didn't let you touch Rachel's boobs. Rachel did.
Finn Hudson: Just the sides of them, but wait, why would she do that?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, what were you doing right before you were touching them? What?
Finn Hudson: I remember yawning. Right, 'cause we were talking about emotional stuff.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yes, well, there you go, that's it. Girls like that. She felt close to you, thus the inappropriate touching. Uh, more importantly, you didn't hurt Sam. It was a 300-pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23. God works in all kinds of mysterious ways, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches. You look disappointed.
Finn Hudson: I am. It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God. Now I just feel like everybody else, you know, like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that.
Emma Pillsbury: You're not alone. The big questions are really big for a reason-- they're hard. But you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them.
Finn Hudson: # Oh #
# Life is bigger #
# It's bigger than you and you are not me #
# The lengths that I will go to #
# The distance in your eyes #
# I've said enough #
# That's me in the corner #
# That's me in the spotlight #
# Losing my religion #
# Trying to keep up with you #
# And I don't know if I can do it #
# Oh, no, I've said too much #
# I haven't said enough #
# I thought that I heard you laughing #
# I thought that I heard you sing #
# I think I thought I saw you try #
# But that was just a dream #
# Just a dream, just a dream #
# Dream. #
Tina Cohen-Chang: I thought we couldn't sing songs about religion.
Mercedes Jones: Evidently, we can't sing about faith, but we can sing about losing faith?
Will Schuester: That's sort of what I want to talk about today. Well, earlier in the week, Finn, it seemed like you felt differently.
Finn Hudson: Well, I used to think God was up there looking over me. Now, I'm not so sure.



Kurt Hummel: I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best. It's so Christ-chic. I hope our genuflection to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky don't take too long. My Sikh is coming again today at 2:00 to do more acupuncture on my dad.
Mercedes Jones: Is it working?
Kurt Hummel: Not yet. Nothing is.
Mercedes Jones: I have to go be with my choir.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, don't, don't...
Mercedes Jones: Hi, church.
All: Hi.
Mercedes Jones: I have a favor to ask you guys. My friend Kurt Hummel's dad is in the hospital. And it's pretty bad. And I know we have all of our own worries and troubles, but if we could just put them aside and focus all of our prayers and give them to Burt Hummel, and to my friend Kurt. I know you don't believe in God, and you don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay. To each his own. But you've got to believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold onto and without something that's sacred. Anyway, Kurt, this song is for you.
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #
# Give it up, why don't you? #
# Whoa, whoa, yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # Whoa, yeah #
# When you're down and out #
# When you're in the street #
# When evenin' falls so hard #
# I will comfort you #
# I'll take your part #
Church Choir: # Ooh, ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
# Oh, when darkness comes #
Church Choir: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # And there's no one #
# No one you love around #
# Just like a bridge over troubled waters #
# I will lay me down #
Church Choir: # Like a bridge #
Mercedes Jones: # Like a bridge #
Church Choir: # Over troubled water #
Mercedes Jones: # Over troubled water #
# I will lay me down #
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah #
Church Choir: # Give it up #
Mercedes Jones: # Give it up, yeah #
Church Choir: # Why don't you #
# Let it be? #
Mercedes Jones: # Let it, let it, let it, let it #
# Let it, let it, let it be, yeah #
Church Choir: # Still waters run deep #
Mercedes Jones: # Hey, hey #
Church Choir: # Yes, they do #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, yeah, yeah #
# Oh, yeah... #
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the water #
Mercedes Jones: # Trouble... #
# I'll be there when you need a friend #
Church Choir: # To lay me down #
# Why don't you, why don't you let it be? #
Mercedes Jones: # I'll be your bridge over troubled water #
# Hey, hey, yeah #
Church Choir: # Still waters run deep #
# Yes, they do #
Mercedes Jones: # Yes, they do #
Church Choir: # Don't trouble the #
Mercedes Jones: # Trouble the water. #
Church Choir: # Water... #



Sue Sylvester: No. This one, baby.
Jean Sylvester: Oh, this one.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah.
Jean Sylvester: Boom. Boom. I won!
Sue Sylvester: Oh!
Jean Sylvester: Sue, you're letting me win.
Sue Sylvester: No, I swear it. I'm not!
Jean Sylvester: You're letting me win, Sue. You're letting me win.
Sue Sylvester: Do you believe in God, Jeannie?
Jean Sylvester: Do you?
Sue Sylvester: No, I don't.
Jean Sylvester: Why not?
Sue Sylvester: Because when we were little girls, you were perfect in my eyes... And I watched the world be cruel to you, so...
Jean Sylvester: God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe. You want me to pray for you, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah. That would be nice. I win. I cheated. I can't do that.



Kurt Hummel: You never could dress yourself. Mercedes took me to church on Sunday. It's funny, but when the choir was singing, this memory flashed into my head. Do you remember our first Friday night dinner after Mom died? You tried to make a chicken. I guess you wanted me to feel like there was something still normal. You put it on the table, and you cut into it, and it was raw. And we both looked at each other for a second, and cracked up before we remembered that we weren't supposed to yet. I'm sorry about the other day, Dad. I should have let those guys pray for you. It wasn't about me. It was about you, and... it was nice. I don't believe in God, Dad. But I believe in you. And I believe in us. You and me-- that's what's sacred to me. And I am... I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you that. Dad? Nurse Nancy! Dad, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # If God had a name what it would it be? #
# And would you call it to his face #
# If you were faced with him in all his glory? #
# What would you ask if you had just one question? #
Finn Hudson: # And yeah, yeah, God is great #
# Yeah, yeah #
# God is good #
# Yeah, yeah #
Finn & Rachel: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# What if God was one of us? #
Mercedes Jones: # What if God was one of us #
Finn & Rachel: # Oh, just a slob like one of us? #
Mercedes Jones: # Just a slob like one of us #
Finn & Rachel: # Just a stranger on the bus #
# Trying to make his way home #
Mercedes Jones: # Trying to make his way home #
Finn & Rachel: # Just trying to make his way home #
Mercedes Jones: # Trying to find his way home #
Finn & Rachel: # Just trying to make his way home... #
Will Schuester: The kids really wanted to do this song, Sue, so I let 'em. You gonna get me fired? Report me?
Sue Sylvester: No.
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204. Duets

放送日:2010年10月12日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Tina dumped Artie for Mike Chang. This new kid, Sam, has a great voice and Finn heard him sing in the shower.
Finn Hudson: And we'd like to talk to you about Glee club.
Ian Brennan: Finn thought Kurt was trying to look at him in the shower so he called him a name which totally got him chewed up by Kurt's dad. Maybe everyone should just start taking baths. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: All right, let's, uh, let's gather round. Sorry I'm late, guys. I was with Principal Figgins. Bad news, guys. Puckerman's in Juvvie.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It really was just a matter of time.
Quinn Fabray: What did he do?
Will Schuester: He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store, and drove off with the ATM.
Rachel Berry: A-A-And when is he getting out?
Will Schuester: Unknown.
Brittany S. Pierce: He's the dumbest person on the planet, and that's coming from me.
Will Schuester: Guys! Let's have some sympathy.
Finn Hudson: For a guy who put his needs before the team's? We need his voice, and his bad-boy stage presence.
Will Schuester: We can't look at this as, as a crisis. It's an opportunity.
Quinn Fabray: For what? Further embarrassment and humiliation?
Will Schuester: For welcoming our new member... Sam Evans!
Finn Hudson: There he is.
Sam Evans: How's it going? Hey, everybody. I'm Sam. Sam... I am. And I don't like green eggs and ham.
Santana Lopez: Oh, wow. He has no game.
Finn Hudson: Okay! This is gonna be great. You're not going to regret joining, Sam.
Rachel Berry: Oh, good.
Finn Hudson: Sam, you sit right here.
Will Schuester: All right! Question for the group. What's a duet?
Brittany S. Pierce: A blanket.
Will Schuester: A duet is when two voices join to become one. Great duets are like a great marriage. The singers complement each other, push each other to be better. Now, some people...
Kurt Hummel: Psst! He's on team gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.
Mercedes Jones: You're crazy, circa 2010.
Will Schuester: And that is what duets are all about. So, this week I want you to pair up and sing a duet. And since you guys all seemed to love our little "Defying Gravity" diva-off, I'm making this a competition.
Mike Chang: What's the winner get?
Will Schuester: Dinner for two, on me... at Breadstix.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Breadstix! Yeah!
Santana Lopez: I have to win.
Brittany S. Pierce: I know.
Santana Lopez: I have to win.
Mercedes Jones: Who you gonna sing with, Kurt?



Kurt Hummel: Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel.
Sam Evans: Hey.
Kurt Hummel: I just wanted to personally welcome you to the glee club.
Sam Evans: Thanks.
Kurt Hummel: Just tell me. Look... maybe at your old school, you could get away with the whole "I just stayed in the sun all summer" excuse, but I have three gifts: my voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion, and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle.
Sam Evans: I don't dye my hair, dude.
Kurt Hummel: Yes, you do. But it's just between friends. That's not natural.
Sam Evans: I'm gonna... go... 'cause you're kinda freaking me out.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, wait. Maybe my instincts were a little off. Let me make it up to you. Team up with me for the duet competition. Listen, unless you team up with Rachel, I am your best bet at winning.
Sam Evans: Aren't duets supposed to be between, like, a girl and a guy?
Kurt Hummel: Well, Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest. "Make'em Laugh"?
Sam Evans: Sorry.
Kurt Hummel: Singin' in the Rain. 1952. Nothing. Okay, maybe you are straight.
Sam Evans: What?
Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Listen, rent it. And then look up the menu for Breadstix online, and call me, because we are gonna win this.



Brittany S. Pierce: I love your sweet lady kisses.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm. It's a nice break from all that scissoring.
Brittany S. Pierce: We should do a duet together. We should sing Melissa Ethridge's "Come To My Window."
Santana Lopez: First of all? There's a lot of talking going on, and I wants ta get my mack on.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I don't know, I just... I think we just...
Santana Lopez: Okay, second of all? I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies. I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about 12 hours now, and I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me, or I can't digest my food.
Brittany S. Pierce: But who are you going to sing a duet with?



Mercedes Jones: Why would I want to do a duet with you? We can't stand each other.
Santana Lopez: Look, Wheezy, I realize I've tried to punch you a couple times, and sometimes, when you're not looking, I puweird things in your food. But it's a new year, and you and I are the best singers at this school.
Mercedes Jones: I don't get what the big deal is, it's just a free trip to Breadstix.
Santana Lopez: Um, I'm sorry, have you been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time I brought a wheelbarrow, and when the mager tried to stop me from filling it up, I calleded the corporae office and got her fired.
Mercedes Jones: Well, I guess our voices do sorta go together.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm, that's right, girl! So if we do a duet together, we will be the undisputed top bitches at this school.



Finn Hudson: You can't do this to him.
Kurt Hummel: You're over-reacting.
Finn Hudson: If he sings with you, you're painting a bull's-eye on his back.
Kurt Hummel: Once again, your closeted homophobia seeps to the surface like the contents of a cracked cesspool.
Finn Hudson: Don't give me that. Look, I know I shouldn't have used that word in your basement, but it's not like you were innocent. I really like you, Kurt. But the fact of the matter is, the way you were all over me last year? If I did that to a girl, she'd take out a restraining order.
Kurt Hummel: You have issues with me being gay, I get it.
Finn Hudson: No, actually, I don't. I have issues with the fact that you don't understand that no means no.
Kurt Hummel: I just want to sing with him.
Finn Hudson: Then you don't give a damn about any of us. If he sings with you, I guarantee, within a week, he'll take so much crap, he'll have to quit Glee Club. Your call, dude.



Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
Rachel Berry: # I couldn't if I tried #
Finn Hudson: # Oh honey, if I get restless #
Rachel Berry: # Baby, you're not the kind #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
Rachel Berry: # You take the weight off of me #
Finn Hudson: # Oh honey, when you knock on my door #
Rachel Berry: # Ooh, I gave you my key #
Finn & Rachel: # Ooh-hoo! #
# Nobody knows it #
Finn Hudson: # But when I was down #
Rachel Berry: # I was your clown #
Finn & Rachel: # Hoo-hoo! #
# Nobody knows it #
Rachel Berry: # Nobody knows it #
Finn Hudson: # Right from the start #
Rachel Berry: # I gave you my heart #
# Oh... oh #
# I gave you my heart #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
Rachel Berry: # I won't go breakin' your heart #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my #
Finn & Rachel: # Don't go breakin' my #
# Don't go breakin' my heart #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my #
Finn & Rachel: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
# Oh... #
# Yeah! #
Finn Hudson: We're totally going to win this thing.
Rachel Berry: I know.
Finn Hudson: Wow. Don't be sad. I mean, Breadstix has these vegan meatballs, they're... they're okay.
Rachel Berry: I'm not really a nice person. I'm selfish. The fact is, is I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but I still like you.
Rachel Berry: But you, you're so... kind, a-and open. Well, it's made me want to be a better person. We have to throw the competition.
Finn Hudson: I love Breadstix.
Rachel Berry: No, i-i-if we wanna win at Nationals, then Sam has to win this contest. Okay? He has to feel like he belongs and, and the team has to believe in him.
Finn Hudson: Wow, Rachel, I never seen you like this. I'm kind of impressed.
Rachel Berry: Well, like I said... you inspired me.
Finn Hudson: But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice.
Rachel Berry: Okay, so I'm just gonna ignore what you just said repeat what I said before: we just have to find a way for me to lose a singing competition so that the new kid sticks around.
Finn Hudson: Right.



Mike Chang: I don't want to do it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're duet partners-- you have to sing!
Mike Chang: I don't even know if I can sing. Everyo knows I'm here to do one thing: dance. You sing and I'll dance around you; you'll be fine.
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, no. We're singing together. We are gonna win that dinner at Breadstix, and then we can finally have a normal night out.
Mike Chang: Normal? What do you mean? We went out last night.
Tina Cohen-Chang: For dim sum. With your mom. All we ever do is get dim sum with your mom!
Mike Chang: Here we go.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. So, I just want you to know I'm really into you.
Artie Abrams: Okay. Sorry, I'm... just a little confused. You've never even made eye contact with me.
Brittany S. Pierce: I know. For a while I thought you were a robot.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm not saying that steamed pork knuckles aren't delicious. I'm just saying that at Breadstix they have bottomless salad bowls, they refill your salad until you leave or pass out.
Mike Chang: You can get salad at dim sum.
Tina Cohen-Chang: My mom got salad last night. There were chicken feet in it. It was a chicken feet salad. All I want is a normal salad that doesn't have chicken feet in it!



Artie Abrams: So, let me get this straight. You want to be my girlfriend because... you like the idea of... wheeling me around?
Brittany S. Pierce: I just really want to get you in a stroller.



Mike Chang: You're not listening to me.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You don't care about my needs!
Ancient Librarian: Shh!
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're fighting a lot.
Mike Chang: We should go to Asian couples therapy.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why does the couples therapy have to be Asian?



Artie Abrams: So, I get to tell everybody that we're dating?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. And I get a duet partner.



Sam Evans: I don't see the big deal. He e-mailed me, like, 60 MP3's of him singing, and I thought it was Faith Hill.
Finn Hudson: The kid's good. Look, this isn't about how good Kurt is. Being in Glee Club is like... it's like walking down the double yellow lines of a highway. If you get just a little off course you're gonna get crushed.
Sam Evans: I got to be honest. You're kind of confusing my head right now. I mean, do you remember what you said when you talked me into joining Glee Club?



Finn Hudson: Nationals are in New York City. Can you imagine at it's going to be like coming home with that first-place trophy? Most of the kids in this town have never even seen the ocean. We'll be gods.



Sam Evans: I joined up because I'm new here and you said it would make me popular, and now you're telling me that it's going to get me killed.
Finn Hudson: Well, eventually you're going get popular from it, believe me, but until then, you got to lay low a little bit, a-and singing a duet with another dude is not laying low.
Sam Evans: I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes.
Finn Hudson: Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes. Everyone else does, and we're living in their world, and in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence.
Sam Evans: Well, I gave him my word. In my world, that's that.
Dave Karofsky: Boom!
Azimio Adams: Welcome to Glee Club, lady lips.



Quinn Fabray: The blueberry flavor is the worst, especially if it gets down your pants. I looked like a creature out of Avatar down there when I got Slushied.
Sam Evans: I saw Avatar, like, six times.
Quinn Fabray: Oh. Anyway, you'll get used to it.
Sam Evans: You're the head cheerleader. Why do you even bother? I mean, you don't need Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: I like to sing... and the fact is those guys were pretty cool to me last year when I wasn't on top. What's the point of being popular when you can't do what you want?
Sam Evans: Lor manari. It means you have pretty eyes. It's Nav'i... the Avatar language. Lor manari.



Kurt Hummel: First course is served. Heart-healthy vegan carrot soup with whole grain croutons, and you'd better eat all of it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find saffron in this town?
Burt Hummel: All right, let me eat this at the table. You could make a plaster cast of my ass with the cushions from this couch.
Kurt Hummel: Absolutely not. I am in charge of your care from now on. You had a serious arrhythmia, Dad. The doctors say you need to rest until your stress test.
Burt Hummel: You're my stress test. Guess this means I can't get salt?
Kurt Hummel: Chin up.
Burt Hummel: What's up? How's school?
Kurt Hummel: It's fine, I guess. There's this new kid Sam in Glee Club. He and I are singing a duet together.
Burt Hummel: Is that a problem?
Kurt Hummel: Finn practically begged me not to. He said it'd ruin Sam's reputation.
Burt Hummel: Well, this kid Sam, uh... you know, does he, he play for your team?
Kurt Hummel: Undetermined.
Burt Hummel: Oh. Maybe Finn has a point.
Kurt Hummel: You're siding with him after what he called me in our basement?
Burt Hummel: I was talking to Carole, and you weren't totally honest with me. She told me that you had a crush on Finn and you weren't afraid to show it. Is this true?
Kurt Hummel: So a gay guy can't be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory?
Burt Hummel: You got to understand that most guys don't know how to deal with unwanted advances.
Kurt Hummel: So you're saying I shouldn't sing with this Sam guy because it might upset a couple homophobes? I thought you said no one pushes the Hummels around.
Burt Hummel: No one does. I-I'm, I'm not saying that. I-I'm, I'm saying that maybe it's you who's pushing this kid Sam around, trying to take advantage of him because you're interested in him.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, you have no idea what it's like. I am the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. I mean, why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow-dance at my prom?
Burt Hummel: Come here. You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're just going to have to get used to going it alone.



Mercedes Jones: # When I was a little girl #
# I had a rag doll #
# Only doll I've ever owned #
Santana Lopez: # Now I love you just the way #
# I loved that rag doll #
# But only now my love #
# Has grown #
Mercedes Jones: # And it gets stronger #
# In every way #
# And it gets higher #
Mercedes & Santana: # Day by day #
# Do I love you? #
# My, oh, my #
# River deep, mountain high #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# If I lost you, would I cry? #
# Oh, how I love you, baby #
# Baby, bab baby #
Mercedes Jones: # I love you, baby #
# Like a flower loves the spring #
Santana Lopez: # And I love you, baby, like a robin #
# Loves to sing #
Mercedes Jones: # And I love you, baby #
# Like a schoolboy loves his bag #
Mercedes & Santana: # And I love you, baby, river deep #
# Mountain high #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, baby #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh... baby #
Santana Lopez: # Ooh, ooh, yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Mercedes & Santana: # Do I love you? #
# My, oh, my, yeah #
# River deep, mountain high #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# If I lost you, would I cry? #
# Oh, how I love you, baby #
# Baby, baby, baby. #
Will Schuester: Whoo!
Artie Abrams: Again, again, again.
Will Schuester: Ladies, nice work. What an incredible song.
Santana Lopez: And just so you know, I've already bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes here. You know why? 'Cause we's be going...
Mercedes & Santana: To Breadstix.
Will Schuester: You hear that, guys? You have your work cut out for you.



Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Shawshank on you.
Sam Evans: This is kind of weird. Guys usually don't talk to each other in here.
Kurt Hummel: Well, this can't wait. I'm setting you free. You can do your duet with someone else in Glee, someone that the world deems more appropriate.
Sam Evans: Did I do something to offend you?
Kurt Hummel: No, no, I... It's not you, it's me. You've been honorable, actually, and I wish you the best, but I've realized that I need to sing with someone that matches my passion and talent level.
Sam Evans: Who's that?
Kurt Hummel: You know, they make special shampoo for color-treated hair.
Sam Evans: I don't dye my hair.
Kurt Hummel: Uh-huh.



Rachel Berry: This is a disaster.
Finn Hudson: Could you stop pacing? It's stressing me out.
Rachel Berry: It's just, being the "it couple" is so much harder than I thought. I-I am so stumped at how to lose this thing.
Finn Hudson: Wait, I got it. You remember we saw Grease and it was good, and then we saw Grease 2, and I fell asleep, but you said the difference was that the songs were bad.
Rachel Berry: Were bad. Yeah If we want to lose, we have to do a song that's bad.
Finn Hudson: Not just a bad song, an offensive song.
Rachel Berry: Yes!



Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie.
Artie Abrams: Mm-hmm.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Can we talk?
Artie Abrams: Yeah.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I want us to be duet partners.
Artie Abrams: Really?
Tina Cohen-Chang: We sing really well together. I just thought if we won, we could share a nice, free dinner together as friends. We haven't really talked.
Artie Abrams: Well, Tina, as rich as I find it that you've come crawling back, I'll have you know that not only do I have a duet partner but that our working relationship has blossomed into romance. If you'll excuse me.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, so... who is up first today?
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may.
Will Schuester: You may.
Kurt Hummel: As many of you know, I had a duet partner, but due to sensitivities I'd rather not get into at the moment, I have dissolved the partnership.
Will Schuester: Okay, so who are you going to sing a duet with?
Kurt Hummel: Only the most talented member of the glee club-- myself. When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone. I've asked a few members of the glee club as well as some Cheerios to help me out.
Santana Lopez: How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation or something.
Kurt Hummel: I will be doing a number from the seminal classic movie Victor/Victoria. It's a show about embracing both the male and the female sides. Watch and learn, Santana. Hit it.
# 'Bout 20 years ago #
# Way down in New Orleans #
# A group of fellers found #
# A new kind of music #
# And they decided to call it #
# Jazz #
# No other sound has #
# What this music has #
# Before they knew it #
# It was whizzin' 'round the world #
# The world was ready #
# For a blue kind of music #
# And now they play it #
# From Steamboat Springs #
# To La Paz #
# Oh, baby #
# Won't you play me #
# Le Jazz Hot #
# Maybe, and don't ever #
# Let it end #
# I tell ya, friend, it's really something #
# To hear #
# I can't sit still #
# When there's that rhythm #
# Near me #
# When you play me #
# Le Jazz Hot, baby #
# You're holding my soul #
# Together #
# Don't know whether it's morning #
# Or night #
# Only know it sounded right #
# So come on in #
# And play me #
# Le Jazz Hot #
# Baby, 'cause #
# I love my jazz #
# Hot... #
# Le... #
# Jazz... #
# Hot... #
Le Jazz Hot.
New Directions: Yeah! Yeah!



Sam Evans: I love astronomy. Something about all that space makes my problems seem kind of small. That one's Venus. Planet of love.
Quinn Fabray: It's actually Mars, planet of war.
Sam Evans: Which one are we on?
Quinn Fabray: Earth. So why don't you come back to it and talk to me about duets. Tell me why I should be singing with you.
Sam Evans: Okay. Well, I want to start off with the choreography. Singing will be easy, so I'll start playing... All right, now get behind me. Get behind me. Good. Now grab my hips. And start swaying. All right, now, here's the cool part. Give me your hand. Do you know how to play?
Quinn Fabray: No.
Sam Evans: All right, it's easy. Just put that finger there. Just like that. Now do it fast back and forth. There you go.
Quinn Fabray: No. No, I can't do this. Th year is about me. And don't say that I'm selfish, because you have no idea how much I've given.
Sam Evans: I wasn't... I wasn't gonna...
Quinn Fabray: I've been down this path before; I know this feeling. Like, I need you. Duets don't work for me, and I don't need you. What I need is to find a way to keep Santana off my heels.
Sam Evans: I'm... I'm sorry...
Quinn Fabray: What I need is to find a way to torture Rachel. And I need to start learning to ignore people.
Sam Evans: And I'm sorry, I shouldn't... I shouldn't have tried that.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry. I made a mistake, and, um... I don't want to sing with you.



Mike Chang: I don't think I could do this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It's the perfect song for this very situation.
Will Schuester: Whenever you're ready, guys.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, hurry up; I needs to get myself to Breadstix.
Brittany S. Pierce: Don't count on it. I'm mad at you, but you're still so hot.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Trust me, you're gonna be great.
Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't sing #
# I could never really sing #
# What I couldn't do is #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # I have trouble with the #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Note #
Mike Chang: # It goes all around my #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Throat #
Mike Chang: # It's a terrifying #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Thing #
Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't #
# Hear which note was lower or was #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Higher #
Mike Chang: # Which is why #
# I disappear if someone says #
# Let's start a #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Choir #
Mike Chang: # Hey, when I begin to...
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Squeak #
Mike Chang: # It's a cross between a... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Shriek #
Mike Chang: # And a quiver or a...
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Moan #
Mike Chang: # It's a little like a... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Croak #
Mike Chang: # Or the record player... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Broke #
Mike Chang: # What it doesn't have is... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Tone #
Mike Chang: # Oh, I know you're thinking what a crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ding-a-ling #
Mike Chang: # But I really couldn't #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # I could never really #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # What I couldn't do is #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: But what I lack in pitch, I sure make up in...
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Power...
Mike Chang: # And all my friends say I am perfect for the...
# Shower! #
# Still... I'm terrific at a #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Dance #
Mike Chang: # 'Cause I'm messing up my #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pants #
Mike Chang: # I'm a birdie on the #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Wing #
Mike Chang: # But if I begin to #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Chirp #
Mike Chang: # They say who's the little #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Twerp #
Mike Chang: # Going pong instead of #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ping #
Mike Chang: # And when Christmas comes, and all my friends go #
New Directions: # Caroling... #
Mike Chang: # It is so dishearten #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ning #
Mike Chang: # It is so disquiet #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ting #
Mike Chang: # It is so discourage #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ging #
Mike Chang: # Darling, please stop answer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ring #
Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # I could never really #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # What I couldn't do is #
New Directions: # Do re mi fa so la to do, do re mi fa so la ti do #
New Directions: # La #
Mike Chang: # La #
New Directions: # La #
Mike Chang: # La... #
New Directions: # Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing #
Mike Chang: # Sing! #
Will Schuester: Wow! Now, that is a duet! Thank you, Tina, for introducing us to the amazing voice of Mike Chang!
Brittany S. Pierce: That was good.



Finn Hudson: You tried to kiss her? Major Glee party foul, dude.
Sam Evans: Look, I know I shouldn't have. She was just sending me these vibes. And those eyes.



Rachel Berry: Hey, Quinn, can we talk?
Quinn Fabray: What do you want to talk about?
Rachel Berry: About Sam. I-I heard that you backed out of doing the duet with him.



Sam Evans: Maybe it's for the best she backed out. I mean, if that Puckerman kid ever gets out of jail, he's gonna beat my ass. I'm sure you still have feelings for her, too.
Finn Hudson: No, no, no way. I'm with Rachel now. I mean, she's a lot shorter than Quinn and she talks a lot, but I'm in love with her. Look, th-this isn't about dating, dude. This is about you singing with Quinn to raise your musical rep in the group.



Rachel Berry: Look, I understand that your reputation is important to you, but... wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to be on top of the proverbial pyramid in every aspect of your life?
Quinn Fabray: Singing with Sam won't change that.
Rachel Berry: Oh, but winning the competition will. And partnering with Sam is really your only shot at it.
Quinn Fabray: What's your angle?
Rachel Berry: Angle?
Quinn Fabray: What's your angle? Me winning means you losing, and you'll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen, so what is in it for you?
Rachel Berry: Look, I agree. Okay? You're probably not gonna beat Finn and I, but I just thought that, as the team captain, it would be good for the team to have some healthy competition for second place.



Finn Hudson: Look, I'm not saying you're gonna win, but I'm just saying that, you know, even coming in second would go a long way with the rest of the team.



Sam Evans: Hey. Listen, I was totally out of line with you. I promise it won't happen again, though you might have to wear sunglasses whenever we're together.
Quinn Fabray: Good. Because we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together practicing if we're gonna win that dinner at Breadstix.



Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh, yay... #
Just like that.
Brittany S. Pierce: # Oh, oh, yay... #
Artie Abrams: Tina used to make runs look so easy, but... I guess they aren't for everybody.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait.
# Oh, oh, yay... #
Nailed it.
Artie Abrams: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I just can't. I'm sorry.
Brittany S. Pierce: Uh, why... why can't you do this?
Artie Abrams: I thought I was over somebody, but I... I still think I have feelings for them.
Brittany S. Pierce: The Clintons?
Artie Abrams: Tina. I'm sorry.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, don't leave. You want to get over Tina, right? Let me help you.
Artie Abrams: What are you... what are you doing?
Brittany S. Pierce: I mean, you're on the football team now anyways. So... we're gonna get around to this at some point.
Artie Abrams: Hold up. Am I about to lose my virginity?
Brittany S. Pierce: Before our duet, we're gonna do it.



Rachel Berry: # Come give me #
Finn Hudson: # Oh... #
Rachel Berry: # Your sweetness #
Finn Hudson: # Oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Now there's you, there is no weakness #
Finn Hudson: # Now there's you, there is no weakness #
Rachel Berry: # Lying safe within your arms #
# I'm born again... #
Finn Hudson: # Woman, don't you know with you I'm born again #
Finn & Rachel: # I was half, not whole #
# Instead with none #
# Reaching through this world #
# In need of one #
Mercedes Jones: This isn't happening.
Finn & Rachel: # Come show me #
# Your kindness #
# In your arms I know I'll find this #
# Woman #
# Don't you know with you #
# I'm born again #
# Lying safe with you #
# I'm born #
# A... gain... #
Mercedes Jones: Okay, do I even need to say it?
Sam Evans: That was really rude.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It was, like, really rude.
Quinn Fabray: I seriously wanted to punch both of you.
Will Schuester: I have to agree. It's a great duet, but what you guys did with it was... really inappropriate. Your costume choice was a little insensitive. Frankly... I'm disappointed.
Rachel Berry: What?!
Finn Hudson: Are you serious? I'm...
Rachel Berry: Shocked.
Finn Hudson: Shocked.
Rachel Berry: We're... We're shocked. I-I... I really hope that this doesn't cost us the competition.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, uh...
Rachel Berry: Hey. Let's sit down. Come.
Will Schuester: Well, getting back on track, who's next? All right.
Sam Evans: Okay, I just want to say I'm really excited, and that I couldn't have asked for a better partner.
# Do you hear me? #
# I'm talking to you across the water #
# Across the deep blue ocean #
# Under the open sky #
# Oh, my, baby, I'm trying #
Quinn Fabray: # Boy, I hear you in my dreams #
# I feel your whisper across the sea #
# I keep you with me in my heart #
# You make it easier when life gets hard #
Sam & Quinn: # I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend #
# Lucky to have been where I have been #
# Lucky to be coming home again #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # They don't know #
Sam Evans: # They don't know #
Quinn Fabray: # How long it takes #
Sam Evans: # How long it takes #
Sam & Quinn: # Waiting for love like this #
Quinn Fabray: # Every time #
Sam Evans: # Every time #
Quinn Fabray: # We say good-bye #
Sam Evans: # We say good-bye #
Sam & Quinn: # I wish we had one more kiss #
# I'll wait for you, I promise you #
# I will #
Sam Evans: # I'm #
Sam & Quinn: # Lucky I'm in love with my best friend #
# Lucky to have been where I have been #
# Lucky to be coming home some day #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #
Santana Lopez: So frickin' charming.
Sam & Quinn: # Ooh, ooh, ooh. #



Brittany S. Pierce: You're-You're breaking up with me?
Artie Abrams: All you wanted was a free dinner at Breadstix.
Brittany S. Pierce: But I really wanted to go with you. I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I've been practicing nudging the meatballs across the table with my nose.
Artie Abrams: You used me for my voice. That's the only reason you had sex with me. I have it on good authority.



Santana Lopez: She's using you for your voice. That's the only reason she had sex with you.
Artie Abrams: Wait. How did you know that?
Santana Lopez: Hi. Excuse me. Do you know Brittany?
Man: Cheerios Brittany?
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.
Man: Yeah. We had sex.
Santana Lopez: Hmm. Look, I don't mean to be a bitch-- well, yeah, actually, I do-- but the only thing that you can give Brittany that she can't get from someone else is ser choice parking.



Artie Abrams: I know that sex don't mean anything to you, but did you ever think how much it means to me? After my accident, we didn't know if I'd ever be able even to do that. And when I found out that I could, it seemed like some kind of miracle, and you just walked all over that. You're not my partner anymore. I told Mr. Schue I'm pulling out of the duet competition.
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, I didn't know. I'm... I'm so sorry.



Will Schuester: Okay, since Artie and Brittany have dropped out of the race, I guess it's time to take it to a vote. Well, even though it looks like just about everyone voted for themselves-- even those who didn't compete-- we do have a winner. And the winner is... by two votes... Sam and Quinn.
Santana Lopez: What? What? Screw that! I want my stix!
Mercedes Jones: Ooh, let it go. Let go. Let it go!
Rachel Berry: Unbelievable.
Santana Lopez: It was mine!
Rachel Berry: No, I don't know how this happened.
Finn Hudson: Son.
Rachel Berry: Unbelievable.
Quinn Fabray: This is so not a date.
Finn Hudson: We did it, babe.



Rachel Berry: Hey, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, please not another pregnancy.
Rachel Berry: I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think.
Kurt Hummel: That's a terrible thing to say.
Rachel Berry: I know you're lonely. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can't act on for fear of being humiliated, ridiculed or worse. We're going to win Nationals this year, and you know how we're ing to do that? Because we have you.
Kurt Hummel: That's true.
Rachel Berry: That's 12 people who love you just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I'm know you're lonely, but... you're not alone. So, I was wondering if you would maybe want to sing a duet with me? I think you'll be really happy with my song selection. It's sort of everything that both you and I love.
Kurt Hummel: But the, uh, duet competition is over.
Rachel Berry: I know. I just... I thought this one could be for me and you.



Quinn Fabray: You know, I hear they don't even make these fresh. They fly them in frozen from some factory in the Dominican Republic.
Sam Evans: I once caught some pretty sweet waves down in the Dominican. Hey, hey, hey.
Quinn Fabray: Uh-uh.
Sam Evans: Come on. It's my Matthew McConaughey impression-- come on.
Quinn Fabray: Does that work on the girls where you're from? The impressions, the bad jokes, the Nav'i?
Sam Evans: Uh, I don't know. I don't know. I went to an all-boys boarding school.
Quinn Fabray: Makes sense.
Sam Evans: It must be hard. I think if I went through what you went through last year, I would have transferred to a school on the moon or something, out of embarrassment. Okay, that-that didn't come out right. I mean, you're really brave to come back like you have. I don't judge you or anything. I know what it's like to have a... secret that you're ashamed of.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, holy crap. So you... So you are gay?
Sam Evans: What? No. Not at all. When I found out I was moving here, I wanted to seem cool, you know? Figured if I looked like Swayze in Point Break, people might think I was a surfer or something. I didn't think it through very clearly. So... I put lemon juice in my hair. I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for Kurt and his sixth sense.
Quinn Fabray: I think it looks cute.
Sam Evans: Really? What are you doing?
Quinn Fabray: We're not using that. You're paying.
Sam Evans: Why?
Quinn Fabray: Because a gentleman always pays on the first date.
Kurt Hummel: # Forget your troubles #
Rachel Berry: # Happy days #
Kurt Hummel: # Come on get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # You better chase #
Rachel Berry: # The skies #
Kurt Hummel: # All your cares away #
Rachel Berry: # Above are clear again #
Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #
Rachel Berry: # So let's sing a song #
Kurt Hummel: # Come on, get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Of cheer again #
Kurt Hummel: # Get ready for the judgment day #
Rachel Berry: # Happy days are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # The sun is shining #
# Come on get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Shining now #
Kurt Hummel: # The Lord is waiting #
Rachel Berry: # There's no one #
Kurt Hummel: # To take your hand #
Rachel Berry: # Who can doubt it now #
Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #
Rachel Berry: # So let's tell the world #
Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #
Rachel Berry: # About it now #
Kurt Hummel: # We're going #
Rachel Berry: # Happy days #
Kurt Hummel: # To the promised land #
Rachel Berry: # Are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # We're heading cross the river #
# Soon your cares will all be gone #
Rachel Berry: # They'll be no more from now on #
Kurt & Rachel: # From now on #
Kurt Hummel: # Forget your troubles #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, happy days #
Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # You better chase #
Rachel Berry: # The skies... #
Kurt Hummel: # All your blues away #
Rachel Berry: # Above are clear again #
Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #
Rachel Berry: # So let's sing a song #
Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Of cheer again #
# Happy times #
Kurt Hummel: # Happy times #
Rachel Berry: # Happy nights #
Kurt Hummel: # Happy nights #
Kurt & Rachel: # Happy days #
# Are #
# Here #
# Again! #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Tina dumped Artie for Mike Chang. This new kid, Sam, has a great voice and Finn heard him sing in the shower.
Finn Hudson: And we'd like to talk to you about Glee club.
Ian Brennan: Finn thought Kurt was trying to look at him in the shower so he called him a name which totally got him chewed up by Kurt's dad. Maybe everyone should just start taking baths. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: All right, let's, uh, let's gather round. Sorry I'm late, guys. I was with Principal Figgins. Bad news, guys. Puckerman's in Juvvie.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It really was just a matter of time.
Quinn Fabray: What did he do?
Will Schuester: He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store, and drove off with the ATM.
Rachel Berry: A-A-And when is he getting out?
Will Schuester: Unknown.
Brittany S. Pierce: He's the dumbest person on the planet, and that's coming from me.
Will Schuester: Guys! Let's have some sympathy.
Finn Hudson: For a guy who put his needs before the team's? We need his voice, and his bad-boy stage presence.
Will Schuester: We can't look at this as, as a crisis. It's an opportunity.
Quinn Fabray: For what? Further embarrassment and humiliation?
Will Schuester: For welcoming our new member... Sam Evans!
Finn Hudson: There he is.
Sam Evans: How's it going? Hey, everybody. I'm Sam. Sam... I am. And I don't like green eggs and ham.
Santana Lopez: Oh, wow. He has no game.
Finn Hudson: Okay! This is gonna be great. You're not going to regret joining, Sam.
Rachel Berry: Oh, good.
Finn Hudson: Sam, you sit right here.
Will Schuester: All right! Question for the group. What's a duet?
Brittany S. Pierce: A blanket.
Will Schuester: A duet is when two voices join to become one. Great duets are like a great marriage. The singers complement each other, push each other to be better. Now, some people...
Kurt Hummel: Psst! He's on team gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.
Mercedes Jones: You're crazy, circa 2010.
Will Schuester: And that is what duets are all about. So, this week I want you to pair up and sing a duet. And since you guys all seemed to love our little "Defying Gravity" diva-off, I'm making this a competition.
Mike Chang: What's the winner get?
Will Schuester: Dinner for two, on me... at Breadstix.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Breadstix! Yeah!
Santana Lopez: I have to win.
Brittany S. Pierce: I know.
Santana Lopez: I have to win.
Mercedes Jones: Who you gonna sing with, Kurt?



Kurt Hummel: Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel.
Sam Evans: Hey.
Kurt Hummel: I just wanted to personally welcome you to the glee club.
Sam Evans: Thanks.
Kurt Hummel: Just tell me. Look... maybe at your old school, you could get away with the whole "I just stayed in the sun all summer" excuse, but I have three gifts: my voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion, and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle.
Sam Evans: I don't dye my hair, dude.
Kurt Hummel: Yes, you do. But it's just between friends. That's not natural.
Sam Evans: I'm gonna... go... 'cause you're kinda freaking me out.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, wait. Maybe my instincts were a little off. Let me make it up to you. Team up with me for the duet competition. Listen, unless you team up with Rachel, I am your best bet at winning.
Sam Evans: Aren't duets supposed to be between, like, a girl and a guy?
Kurt Hummel: Well, Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest. "Make'em Laugh"?
Sam Evans: Sorry.
Kurt Hummel: Singin' in the Rain. 1952. Nothing. Okay, maybe you are straight.
Sam Evans: What?
Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Listen, rent it. And then look up the menu for Breadstix online, and call me, because we are gonna win this.



Brittany S. Pierce: I love your sweet lady kisses.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm. It's a nice break from all that scissoring.
Brittany S. Pierce: We should do a duet together. We should sing Melissa Ethridge's "Come To My Window."
Santana Lopez: First of all? There's a lot of talking going on, and I wants ta get my mack on.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I don't know, I just... I think we just...
Santana Lopez: Okay, second of all? I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies. I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about 12 hours now, and I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me, or I can't digest my food.
Brittany S. Pierce: But who are you going to sing a duet with?



Mercedes Jones: Why would I want to do a duet with you? We can't stand each other.
Santana Lopez: Look, Wheezy, I realize I've tried to punch you a couple times, and sometimes, when you're not looking, I puweird things in your food. But it's a new year, and you and I are the best singers at this school.
Mercedes Jones: I don't get what the big deal is, it's just a free trip to Breadstix.
Santana Lopez: Um, I'm sorry, have you been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time I brought a wheelbarrow, and when the mager tried to stop me from filling it up, I calleded the corporae office and got her fired.
Mercedes Jones: Well, I guess our voices do sorta go together.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm, that's right, girl! So if we do a duet together, we will be the undisputed top bitches at this school.



Finn Hudson: You can't do this to him.
Kurt Hummel: You're over-reacting.
Finn Hudson: If he sings with you, you're painting a bull's-eye on his back.
Kurt Hummel: Once again, your closeted homophobia seeps to the surface like the contents of a cracked cesspool.
Finn Hudson: Don't give me that. Look, I know I shouldn't have used that word in your basement, but it's not like you were innocent. I really like you, Kurt. But the fact of the matter is, the way you were all over me last year? If I did that to a girl, she'd take out a restraining order.
Kurt Hummel: You have issues with me being gay, I get it.
Finn Hudson: No, actually, I don't. I have issues with the fact that you don't understand that no means no.
Kurt Hummel: I just want to sing with him.
Finn Hudson: Then you don't give a damn about any of us. If he sings with you, I guarantee, within a week, he'll take so much crap, he'll have to quit Glee Club. Your call, dude.



Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
Rachel Berry: # I couldn't if I tried #
Finn Hudson: # Oh honey, if I get restless #
Rachel Berry: # Baby, you're not the kind #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
Rachel Berry: # You take the weight off of me #
Finn Hudson: # Oh honey, when you knock on my door #
Rachel Berry: # Ooh, I gave you my key #
Finn & Rachel: # Ooh-hoo! #
# Nobody knows it #
Finn Hudson: # But when I was down #
Rachel Berry: # I was your clown #
Finn & Rachel: # Hoo-hoo! #
# Nobody knows it #
Rachel Berry: # Nobody knows it #
Finn Hudson: # Right from the start #
Rachel Berry: # I gave you my heart #
# Oh... oh #
# I gave you my heart #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
Rachel Berry: # I won't go breakin' your heart #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my #
Finn & Rachel: # Don't go breakin' my #
# Don't go breakin' my heart #
Finn Hudson: # Don't go breakin' my #
Finn & Rachel: # Don't go breakin' my heart #
# Oh... #
# Yeah! #
Finn Hudson: We're totally going to win this thing.
Rachel Berry: I know.
Finn Hudson: Wow. Don't be sad. I mean, Breadstix has these vegan meatballs, they're... they're okay.
Rachel Berry: I'm not really a nice person. I'm selfish. The fact is, is I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but I still like you.
Rachel Berry: But you, you're so... kind, a-and open. Well, it's made me want to be a better person. We have to throw the competition.
Finn Hudson: I love Breadstix.
Rachel Berry: No, i-i-if we wanna win at Nationals, then Sam has to win this contest. Okay? He has to feel like he belongs and, and the team has to believe in him.
Finn Hudson: Wow, Rachel, I never seen you like this. I'm kind of impressed.
Rachel Berry: Well, like I said... you inspired me.
Finn Hudson: But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice.
Rachel Berry: Okay, so I'm just gonna ignore what you just said repeat what I said before: we just have to find a way for me to lose a singing competition so that the new kid sticks around.
Finn Hudson: Right.



Mike Chang: I don't want to do it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're duet partners-- you have to sing!
Mike Chang: I don't even know if I can sing. Everyo knows I'm here to do one thing: dance. You sing and I'll dance around you; you'll be fine.
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, no. We're singing together. We are gonna win that dinner at Breadstix, and then we can finally have a normal night out.
Mike Chang: Normal? What do you mean? We went out last night.
Tina Cohen-Chang: For dim sum. With your mom. All we ever do is get dim sum with your mom!
Mike Chang: Here we go.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. So, I just want you to know I'm really into you.
Artie Abrams: Okay. Sorry, I'm... just a little confused. You've never even made eye contact with me.
Brittany S. Pierce: I know. For a while I thought you were a robot.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm not saying that steamed pork knuckles aren't delicious. I'm just saying that at Breadstix they have bottomless salad bowls, they refill your salad until you leave or pass out.
Mike Chang: You can get salad at dim sum.
Tina Cohen-Chang: My mom got salad last night. There were chicken feet in it. It was a chicken feet salad. All I want is a normal salad that doesn't have chicken feet in it!



Artie Abrams: So, let me get this straight. You want to be my girlfriend because... you like the idea of... wheeling me around?
Brittany S. Pierce: I just really want to get you in a stroller.



Mike Chang: You're not listening to me.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You don't care about my needs!
Ancient Librarian: Shh!
Tina Cohen-Chang: We're fighting a lot.
Mike Chang: We should go to Asian couples therapy.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why does the couples therapy have to be Asian?



Artie Abrams: So, I get to tell everybody that we're dating?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. And I get a duet partner.



Sam Evans: I don't see the big deal. He e-mailed me, like, 60 MP3's of him singing, and I thought it was Faith Hill.
Finn Hudson: The kid's good. Look, this isn't about how good Kurt is. Being in Glee Club is like... it's like walking down the double yellow lines of a highway. If you get just a little off course you're gonna get crushed.
Sam Evans: I got to be honest. You're kind of confusing my head right now. I mean, do you remember what you said when you talked me into joining Glee Club?



Finn Hudson: Nationals are in New York City. Can you imagine at it's going to be like coming home with that first-place trophy? Most of the kids in this town have never even seen the ocean. We'll be gods.



Sam Evans: I joined up because I'm new here and you said it would make me popular, and now you're telling me that it's going to get me killed.
Finn Hudson: Well, eventually you're going get popular from it, believe me, but until then, you got to lay low a little bit, a-and singing a duet with another dude is not laying low.
Sam Evans: I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes.
Finn Hudson: Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes. Everyone else does, and we're living in their world, and in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence.
Sam Evans: Well, I gave him my word. In my world, that's that.
Dave Karofsky: Boom!
Azimio Adams: Welcome to Glee Club, lady lips.



Quinn Fabray: The blueberry flavor is the worst, especially if it gets down your pants. I looked like a creature out of Avatar down there when I got Slushied.
Sam Evans: I saw Avatar, like, six times.
Quinn Fabray: Oh. Anyway, you'll get used to it.
Sam Evans: You're the head cheerleader. Why do you even bother? I mean, you don't need Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: I like to sing... and the fact is those guys were pretty cool to me last year when I wasn't on top. What's the point of being popular when you can't do what you want?
Sam Evans: Lor manari. It means you have pretty eyes. It's Nav'i... the Avatar language. Lor manari.



Kurt Hummel: First course is served. Heart-healthy vegan carrot soup with whole grain croutons, and you'd better eat all of it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find saffron in this town?
Burt Hummel: All right, let me eat this at the table. You could make a plaster cast of my ass with the cushions from this couch.
Kurt Hummel: Absolutely not. I am in charge of your care from now on. You had a serious arrhythmia, Dad. The doctors say you need to rest until your stress test.
Burt Hummel: You're my stress test. Guess this means I can't get salt?
Kurt Hummel: Chin up.
Burt Hummel: What's up? How's school?
Kurt Hummel: It's fine, I guess. There's this new kid Sam in Glee Club. He and I are singing a duet together.
Burt Hummel: Is that a problem?
Kurt Hummel: Finn practically begged me not to. He said it'd ruin Sam's reputation.
Burt Hummel: Well, this kid Sam, uh... you know, does he, he play for your team?
Kurt Hummel: Undetermined.
Burt Hummel: Oh. Maybe Finn has a point.
Kurt Hummel: You're siding with him after what he called me in our basement?
Burt Hummel: I was talking to Carole, and you weren't totally honest with me. She told me that you had a crush on Finn and you weren't afraid to show it. Is this true?
Kurt Hummel: So a gay guy can't be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory?
Burt Hummel: You got to understand that most guys don't know how to deal with unwanted advances.
Kurt Hummel: So you're saying I shouldn't sing with this Sam guy because it might upset a couple homophobes? I thought you said no one pushes the Hummels around.
Burt Hummel: No one does. I-I'm, I'm not saying that. I-I'm, I'm saying that maybe it's you who's pushing this kid Sam around, trying to take advantage of him because you're interested in him.
Kurt Hummel: Dad, you have no idea what it's like. I am the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. I mean, why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow-dance at my prom?
Burt Hummel: Come here. You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're just going to have to get used to going it alone.



Mercedes Jones: # When I was a little girl #
# I had a rag doll #
# Only doll I've ever owned #
Santana Lopez: # Now I love you just the way #
# I loved that rag doll #
# But only now my love #
# Has grown #
Mercedes Jones: # And it gets stronger #
# In every way #
# And it gets higher #
Mercedes & Santana: # Day by day #
# Do I love you? #
# My, oh, my #
# River deep, mountain high #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# If I lost you, would I cry? #
# Oh, how I love you, baby #
# Baby, bab baby #
Mercedes Jones: # I love you, baby #
# Like a flower loves the spring #
Santana Lopez: # And I love you, baby, like a robin #
# Loves to sing #
Mercedes Jones: # And I love you, baby #
# Like a schoolboy loves his bag #
Mercedes & Santana: # And I love you, baby, river deep #
# Mountain high #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, baby #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh... baby #
Santana Lopez: # Ooh, ooh, yeah #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Mercedes & Santana: # Do I love you? #
# My, oh, my, yeah #
# River deep, mountain high #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# If I lost you, would I cry? #
# Oh, how I love you, baby #
# Baby, baby, baby. #
Will Schuester: Whoo!
Artie Abrams: Again, again, again.
Will Schuester: Ladies, nice work. What an incredible song.
Santana Lopez: And just so you know, I've already bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes here. You know why? 'Cause we's be going...
Mercedes & Santana: To Breadstix.
Will Schuester: You hear that, guys? You have your work cut out for you.



Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Shawshank on you.
Sam Evans: This is kind of weird. Guys usually don't talk to each other in here.
Kurt Hummel: Well, this can't wait. I'm setting you free. You can do your duet with someone else in Glee, someone that the world deems more appropriate.
Sam Evans: Did I do something to offend you?
Kurt Hummel: No, no, I... It's not you, it's me. You've been honorable, actually, and I wish you the best, but I've realized that I need to sing with someone that matches my passion and talent level.
Sam Evans: Who's that?
Kurt Hummel: You know, they make special shampoo for color-treated hair.
Sam Evans: I don't dye my hair.
Kurt Hummel: Uh-huh.



Rachel Berry: This is a disaster.
Finn Hudson: Could you stop pacing? It's stressing me out.
Rachel Berry: It's just, being the "it couple" is so much harder than I thought. I-I am so stumped at how to lose this thing.
Finn Hudson: Wait, I got it. You remember we saw Grease and it was good, and then we saw Grease 2, and I fell asleep, but you said the difference was that the songs were bad.
Rachel Berry: Were bad. Yeah If we want to lose, we have to do a song that's bad.
Finn Hudson: Not just a bad song, an offensive song.
Rachel Berry: Yes!



Tina Cohen-Chang: Artie.
Artie Abrams: Mm-hmm.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Can we talk?
Artie Abrams: Yeah.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I want us to be duet partners.
Artie Abrams: Really?
Tina Cohen-Chang: We sing really well together. I just thought if we won, we could share a nice, free dinner together as friends. We haven't really talked.
Artie Abrams: Well, Tina, as rich as I find it that you've come crawling back, I'll have you know that not only do I have a duet partner but that our working relationship has blossomed into romance. If you'll excuse me.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys, so... who is up first today?
Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, if I may.
Will Schuester: You may.
Kurt Hummel: As many of you know, I had a duet partner, but due to sensitivities I'd rather not get into at the moment, I have dissolved the partnership.
Will Schuester: Okay, so who are you going to sing a duet with?
Kurt Hummel: Only the most talented member of the glee club-- myself. When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone. I've asked a few members of the glee club as well as some Cheerios to help me out.
Santana Lopez: How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation or something.
Kurt Hummel: I will be doing a number from the seminal classic movie Victor/Victoria. It's a show about embracing both the male and the female sides. Watch and learn, Santana. Hit it.
# 'Bout 20 years ago #
# Way down in New Orleans #
# A group of fellers found #
# A new kind of music #
# And they decided to call it #
# Jazz #
# No other sound has #
# What this music has #
# Before they knew it #
# It was whizzin' 'round the world #
# The world was ready #
# For a blue kind of music #
# And now they play it #
# From Steamboat Springs #
# To La Paz #
# Oh, baby #
# Won't you play me #
# Le Jazz Hot #
# Maybe, and don't ever #
# Let it end #
# I tell ya, friend, it's really something #
# To hear #
# I can't sit still #
# When there's that rhythm #
# Near me #
# When you play me #
# Le Jazz Hot, baby #
# You're holding my soul #
# Together #
# Don't know whether it's morning #
# Or night #
# Only know it sounded right #
# So come on in #
# And play me #
# Le Jazz Hot #
# Baby, 'cause #
# I love my jazz #
# Hot... #
# Le... #
# Jazz... #
# Hot... #
Le Jazz Hot.
New Directions: Yeah! Yeah!



Sam Evans: I love astronomy. Something about all that space makes my problems seem kind of small. That one's Venus. Planet of love.
Quinn Fabray: It's actually Mars, planet of war.
Sam Evans: Which one are we on?
Quinn Fabray: Earth. So why don't you come back to it and talk to me about duets. Tell me why I should be singing with you.
Sam Evans: Okay. Well, I want to start off with the choreography. Singing will be easy, so I'll start playing... All right, now get behind me. Get behind me. Good. Now grab my hips. And start swaying. All right, now, here's the cool part. Give me your hand. Do you know how to play?
Quinn Fabray: No.
Sam Evans: All right, it's easy. Just put that finger there. Just like that. Now do it fast back and forth. There you go.
Quinn Fabray: No. No, I can't do this. Th year is about me. And don't say that I'm selfish, because you have no idea how much I've given.
Sam Evans: I wasn't... I wasn't gonna...
Quinn Fabray: I've been down this path before; I know this feeling. Like, I need you. Duets don't work for me, and I don't need you. What I need is to find a way to keep Santana off my heels.
Sam Evans: I'm... I'm sorry...
Quinn Fabray: What I need is to find a way to torture Rachel. And I need to start learning to ignore people.
Sam Evans: And I'm sorry, I shouldn't... I shouldn't have tried that.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry. I made a mistake, and, um... I don't want to sing with you.



Mike Chang: I don't think I could do this.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It's the perfect song for this very situation.
Will Schuester: Whenever you're ready, guys.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, hurry up; I needs to get myself to Breadstix.
Brittany S. Pierce: Don't count on it. I'm mad at you, but you're still so hot.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Trust me, you're gonna be great.
Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't sing #
# I could never really sing #
# What I couldn't do is #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # I have trouble with the #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Note #
Mike Chang: # It goes all around my #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Throat #
Mike Chang: # It's a terrifying #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Thing #
Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't #
# Hear which note was lower or was #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Higher #
Mike Chang: # Which is why #
# I disappear if someone says #
# Let's start a #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Choir #
Mike Chang: # Hey, when I begin to...
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Squeak #
Mike Chang: # It's a cross between a... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Shriek #
Mike Chang: # And a quiver or a...
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Moan #
Mike Chang: # It's a little like a... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Croak #
Mike Chang: # Or the record player... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Broke #
Mike Chang: # What it doesn't have is... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Tone #
Mike Chang: # Oh, I know you're thinking what a crazy #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ding-a-ling #
Mike Chang: # But I really couldn't #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # I could never really #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # What I couldn't do is #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: But what I lack in pitch, I sure make up in...
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Power...
Mike Chang: # And all my friends say I am perfect for the...
# Shower! #
# Still... I'm terrific at a #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Dance #
Mike Chang: # 'Cause I'm messing up my #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Pants #
Mike Chang: # I'm a birdie on the #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Wing #
Mike Chang: # But if I begin to #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Chirp #
Mike Chang: # They say who's the little #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Twerp #
Mike Chang: # Going pong instead of #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ping #
Mike Chang: # And when Christmas comes, and all my friends go #
New Directions: # Caroling... #
Mike Chang: # It is so dishearten #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ning #
Mike Chang: # It is so disquiet #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ting #
Mike Chang: # It is so discourage #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ging #
Mike Chang: # Darling, please stop answer #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ring #
Mike Chang: # See, I really couldn't #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # I could never really #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing #
Mike Chang: # What I couldn't do is #
New Directions: # Do re mi fa so la to do, do re mi fa so la ti do #
New Directions: # La #
Mike Chang: # La #
New Directions: # La #
Mike Chang: # La... #
New Directions: # Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing #
Mike Chang: # Sing! #
Will Schuester: Wow! Now, that is a duet! Thank you, Tina, for introducing us to the amazing voice of Mike Chang!
Brittany S. Pierce: That was good.



Finn Hudson: You tried to kiss her? Major Glee party foul, dude.
Sam Evans: Look, I know I shouldn't have. She was just sending me these vibes. And those eyes.



Rachel Berry: Hey, Quinn, can we talk?
Quinn Fabray: What do you want to talk about?
Rachel Berry: About Sam. I-I heard that you backed out of doing the duet with him.



Sam Evans: Maybe it's for the best she backed out. I mean, if that Puckerman kid ever gets out of jail, he's gonna beat my ass. I'm sure you still have feelings for her, too.
Finn Hudson: No, no, no way. I'm with Rachel now. I mean, she's a lot shorter than Quinn and she talks a lot, but I'm in love with her. Look, th-this isn't about dating, dude. This is about you singing with Quinn to raise your musical rep in the group.



Rachel Berry: Look, I understand that your reputation is important to you, but... wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to be on top of the proverbial pyramid in every aspect of your life?
Quinn Fabray: Singing with Sam won't change that.
Rachel Berry: Oh, but winning the competition will. And partnering with Sam is really your only shot at it.
Quinn Fabray: What's your angle?
Rachel Berry: Angle?
Quinn Fabray: What's your angle? Me winning means you losing, and you'll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen, so what is in it for you?
Rachel Berry: Look, I agree. Okay? You're probably not gonna beat Finn and I, but I just thought that, as the team captain, it would be good for the team to have some healthy competition for second place.



Finn Hudson: Look, I'm not saying you're gonna win, but I'm just saying that, you know, even coming in second would go a long way with the rest of the team.



Sam Evans: Hey. Listen, I was totally out of line with you. I promise it won't happen again, though you might have to wear sunglasses whenever we're together.
Quinn Fabray: Good. Because we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together practicing if we're gonna win that dinner at Breadstix.



Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh, yay... #
Just like that.
Brittany S. Pierce: # Oh, oh, yay... #
Artie Abrams: Tina used to make runs look so easy, but... I guess they aren't for everybody.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait.
# Oh, oh, yay... #
Nailed it.
Artie Abrams: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I just can't. I'm sorry.
Brittany S. Pierce: Uh, why... why can't you do this?
Artie Abrams: I thought I was over somebody, but I... I still think I have feelings for them.
Brittany S. Pierce: The Clintons?
Artie Abrams: Tina. I'm sorry.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, don't leave. You want to get over Tina, right? Let me help you.
Artie Abrams: What are you... what are you doing?
Brittany S. Pierce: I mean, you're on the football team now anyways. So... we're gonna get around to this at some point.
Artie Abrams: Hold up. Am I about to lose my virginity?
Brittany S. Pierce: Before our duet, we're gonna do it.



Rachel Berry: # Come give me #
Finn Hudson: # Oh... #
Rachel Berry: # Your sweetness #
Finn Hudson: # Oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Now there's you, there is no weakness #
Finn Hudson: # Now there's you, there is no weakness #
Rachel Berry: # Lying safe within your arms #
# I'm born again... #
Finn Hudson: # Woman, don't you know with you I'm born again #
Finn & Rachel: # I was half, not whole #
# Instead with none #
# Reaching through this world #
# In need of one #
Mercedes Jones: This isn't happening.
Finn & Rachel: # Come show me #
# Your kindness #
# In your arms I know I'll find this #
# Woman #
# Don't you know with you #
# I'm born again #
# Lying safe with you #
# I'm born #
# A... gain... #
Mercedes Jones: Okay, do I even need to say it?
Sam Evans: That was really rude.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It was, like, really rude.
Quinn Fabray: I seriously wanted to punch both of you.
Will Schuester: I have to agree. It's a great duet, but what you guys did with it was... really inappropriate. Your costume choice was a little insensitive. Frankly... I'm disappointed.
Rachel Berry: What?!
Finn Hudson: Are you serious? I'm...
Rachel Berry: Shocked.
Finn Hudson: Shocked.
Rachel Berry: We're... We're shocked. I-I... I really hope that this doesn't cost us the competition.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, uh...
Rachel Berry: Hey. Let's sit down. Come.
Will Schuester: Well, getting back on track, who's next? All right.
Sam Evans: Okay, I just want to say I'm really excited, and that I couldn't have asked for a better partner.
# Do you hear me? #
# I'm talking to you across the water #
# Across the deep blue ocean #
# Under the open sky #
# Oh, my, baby, I'm trying #
Quinn Fabray: # Boy, I hear you in my dreams #
# I feel your whisper across the sea #
# I keep you with me in my heart #
# You make it easier when life gets hard #
Sam & Quinn: # I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend #
# Lucky to have been where I have been #
# Lucky to be coming home again #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh #
Quinn Fabray: # They don't know #
Sam Evans: # They don't know #
Quinn Fabray: # How long it takes #
Sam Evans: # How long it takes #
Sam & Quinn: # Waiting for love like this #
Quinn Fabray: # Every time #
Sam Evans: # Every time #
Quinn Fabray: # We say good-bye #
Sam Evans: # We say good-bye #
Sam & Quinn: # I wish we had one more kiss #
# I'll wait for you, I promise you #
# I will #
Sam Evans: # I'm #
Sam & Quinn: # Lucky I'm in love with my best friend #
# Lucky to have been where I have been #
# Lucky to be coming home some day #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #
Santana Lopez: So frickin' charming.
Sam & Quinn: # Ooh, ooh, ooh. #



Brittany S. Pierce: You're-You're breaking up with me?
Artie Abrams: All you wanted was a free dinner at Breadstix.
Brittany S. Pierce: But I really wanted to go with you. I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I've been practicing nudging the meatballs across the table with my nose.
Artie Abrams: You used me for my voice. That's the only reason you had sex with me. I have it on good authority.



Santana Lopez: She's using you for your voice. That's the only reason she had sex with you.
Artie Abrams: Wait. How did you know that?
Santana Lopez: Hi. Excuse me. Do you know Brittany?
Man: Cheerios Brittany?
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.
Man: Yeah. We had sex.
Santana Lopez: Hmm. Look, I don't mean to be a bitch-- well, yeah, actually, I do-- but the only thing that you can give Brittany that she can't get from someone else is ser choice parking.



Artie Abrams: I know that sex don't mean anything to you, but did you ever think how much it means to me? After my accident, we didn't know if I'd ever be able even to do that. And when I found out that I could, it seemed like some kind of miracle, and you just walked all over that. You're not my partner anymore. I told Mr. Schue I'm pulling out of the duet competition.
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie, I didn't know. I'm... I'm so sorry.



Will Schuester: Okay, since Artie and Brittany have dropped out of the race, I guess it's time to take it to a vote. Well, even though it looks like just about everyone voted for themselves-- even those who didn't compete-- we do have a winner. And the winner is... by two votes... Sam and Quinn.
Santana Lopez: What? What? Screw that! I want my stix!
Mercedes Jones: Ooh, let it go. Let go. Let it go!
Rachel Berry: Unbelievable.
Santana Lopez: It was mine!
Rachel Berry: No, I don't know how this happened.
Finn Hudson: Son.
Rachel Berry: Unbelievable.
Quinn Fabray: This is so not a date.
Finn Hudson: We did it, babe.



Rachel Berry: Hey, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, please not another pregnancy.
Rachel Berry: I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think.
Kurt Hummel: That's a terrible thing to say.
Rachel Berry: I know you're lonely. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can't act on for fear of being humiliated, ridiculed or worse. We're going to win Nationals this year, and you know how we're ing to do that? Because we have you.
Kurt Hummel: That's true.
Rachel Berry: That's 12 people who love you just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I'm know you're lonely, but... you're not alone. So, I was wondering if you would maybe want to sing a duet with me? I think you'll be really happy with my song selection. It's sort of everything that both you and I love.
Kurt Hummel: But the, uh, duet competition is over.
Rachel Berry: I know. I just... I thought this one could be for me and you.



Quinn Fabray: You know, I hear they don't even make these fresh. They fly them in frozen from some factory in the Dominican Republic.
Sam Evans: I once caught some pretty sweet waves down in the Dominican. Hey, hey, hey.
Quinn Fabray: Uh-uh.
Sam Evans: Come on. It's my Matthew McConaughey impression-- come on.
Quinn Fabray: Does that work on the girls where you're from? The impressions, the bad jokes, the Nav'i?
Sam Evans: Uh, I don't know. I don't know. I went to an all-boys boarding school.
Quinn Fabray: Makes sense.
Sam Evans: It must be hard. I think if I went through what you went through last year, I would have transferred to a school on the moon or something, out of embarrassment. Okay, that-that didn't come out right. I mean, you're really brave to come back like you have. I don't judge you or anything. I know what it's like to have a... secret that you're ashamed of.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, holy crap. So you... So you are gay?
Sam Evans: What? No. Not at all. When I found out I was moving here, I wanted to seem cool, you know? Figured if I looked like Swayze in Point Break, people might think I was a surfer or something. I didn't think it through very clearly. So... I put lemon juice in my hair. I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for Kurt and his sixth sense.
Quinn Fabray: I think it looks cute.
Sam Evans: Really? What are you doing?
Quinn Fabray: We're not using that. You're paying.
Sam Evans: Why?
Quinn Fabray: Because a gentleman always pays on the first date.
Kurt Hummel: # Forget your troubles #
Rachel Berry: # Happy days #
Kurt Hummel: # Come on get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # You better chase #
Rachel Berry: # The skies #
Kurt Hummel: # All your cares away #
Rachel Berry: # Above are clear again #
Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #
Rachel Berry: # So let's sing a song #
Kurt Hummel: # Come on, get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Of cheer again #
Kurt Hummel: # Get ready for the judgment day #
Rachel Berry: # Happy days are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # The sun is shining #
# Come on get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Shining now #
Kurt Hummel: # The Lord is waiting #
Rachel Berry: # There's no one #
Kurt Hummel: # To take your hand #
Rachel Berry: # Who can doubt it now #
Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #
Rachel Berry: # So let's tell the world #
Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #
Rachel Berry: # About it now #
Kurt Hummel: # We're going #
Rachel Berry: # Happy days #
Kurt Hummel: # To the promised land #
Rachel Berry: # Are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # We're heading cross the river #
# Soon your cares will all be gone #
Rachel Berry: # They'll be no more from now on #
Kurt & Rachel: # From now on #
Kurt Hummel: # Forget your troubles #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, happy days #
Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Are here again #
Kurt Hummel: # You better chase #
Rachel Berry: # The skies... #
Kurt Hummel: # All your blues away #
Rachel Berry: # Above are clear again #
Kurt Hummel: # Shout hallelujah #
Rachel Berry: # So let's sing a song #
Kurt Hummel: # And just get happy #
Rachel Berry: # Of cheer again #
# Happy times #
Kurt Hummel: # Happy times #
Rachel Berry: # Happy nights #
Kurt Hummel: # Happy nights #
Kurt & Rachel: # Happy days #
# Are #
# Here #
# Again! #
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205. The Rocky Horror Glee Show

放送日:2010年10月26日


Santana Lopez / Magenta: 
# Michael Rennie was ill #
# The day the earth stood still #
# But he told us where we stand #
# And Flash Gordon was there #
# In silver underwear #
# Claude rains was the invisible man #
# Then something went wrong #
# For fay Wray and king Kong #
# They got caught in a celluloid jam #
# Then at a deadly pace #
# It came from outer space #
# And this is how the message ran #
# Science fiction #
# Double feature #
# To the late night double feature #
# Picture show. #



Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: 
# In the velvet darkness #
# Of the blackest night #
# Burning bright #
# There's a guiding star #
# No matter what #
# Or who #
# Who you are #
Finn & Rachel: # There's a light #
New Directions: # Over at the frankenstein place #
Finn & Rachel: # There's a light #
New Directions: # Burning in the fireplace #
Finn & Rachel: 
# There's a light #
# Light in the darkness #
# Of everybody... #
Carl Howell: Schuester, you messing with my woman?
Will Schuester: I...
Carl Howell: I thought we had a deal.
Will Schuester: 
This is the face of a guy who stepped in it. How did it get to this? How did a production of Rocky Horror turn into... Ugh...My horror? It all started a week ago.



Will Schuester: Hey, Em.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: What's with your crusts? You-you always cut them off.
Emma Pillsbury: I must have forgotten this morning.
Will Schuester: Forgot?
Emma Pillsbury: 
Carl and I had the most amazing weekend. We hit the revival theater downtown for the midnight show of Rocky Horror.
Will Schuester: You're kidding.
Emma Pillsbury: No.
Will Schuester: Isn't that where everyone dresses up and yells stuff?
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, yeah. I mean, well, we don't dress up. At least not yet.
Will Schuester: Wait, isn't that theater a total dive?
Emma Pillsbury: It's disgusting, it's horrible.
Will Schuester: I know.
Emma Pillsbury: 
I mean, there isn't a surface that isn't covered in spilled soda, so you'd think it'd be a nightmare for me, right? But I don't know, I'm having so much fun that I don't even notice. Mm. And get this. You know how I've always been very anti-Halloween 'cause it totally freaks me out to think about eating candy that someone else has touched, right? Well, Carl and I are gonna dress up as characters from the show, and we're actually gonna go trick-or-treating!
Will Schuester: The sandwich, the dirty theater... he's actually making her better.
Emma Pillsbury: ...Go as Janet, because obviously, she's a ginger...
Will Schuester: 
He's winning. Why the hell didn't I think of taking her to that damn show? Oh, it's so weird that you brought up how much you love that show, because just last weekend, I decided to have the glee club perform Rocky Horror for the school musical this year.
Emma Pillsbury: Wow, Will.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Cool, right?
Emma Pillsbury: It's very, very cool. That's so...
Will Schuester: I mean, who knew that Rocky Horror was so important to both of us?
Emma Pillsbury: 
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Isn't there some pretty risqué material in there, though?
Will Schuester: 
Oh. Yeah, I mean, I'll probably have to make some edits here and there, but it's worth it to expose the kids to one of my favorite musicals of all time.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.
Will Schuester: I love that show.
Emma Pillsbury: 
Wow, yeah. Mm. Well, I'm thinking you're gonna have to edit the whole thing out if you're gonna get Sue and Figgins to sign off on it. But, um, that's really exciting.
Will Schuester: Right. Let's go, Rocky Horror.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, um, yep.
Will Schuester: Yeah.



Kurt Hummel: So what are you gonna be for Halloween this year?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm going as a peanut allergy.
Will Schuester: 
Great news, guys. I've had a little inspiration. This week's musical lesson isn't really a lesson. It's a musical.
Rachel Berry: Oh, please be Evita, please be Evita...
Will Schuester: Rocky Horror.
Finn Hudson: I've never seen it.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: Yep?
Rachel Berry: 
While I admire your choice of the groundbreaking '70s musical, aren't you worried that the adult themes might be a point of controversy?
Kurt Hummel: 
Seriously. A school in Texas couldn't even do rent. It caused an outrage and they had to cancel the show.
Will Schuester: 
Isn't that the whole point of the arts? Pushing boundaries, doing things people say you can't do for the sake of self-expression? I got it all figured out. I cut out some of the more risqué sections. And I'm sending home permission slips to all your parents to make sure that they're okay with it. And we're going to charge admission and use the proceeds to help pay for transportation to nationals in New York. Okay, let's talk about casting.
Rachel Berry: Oh, finn and I will play Brad and Janet.
Will Schuester: Ah!
Artie Abrams: And I'll be playing the guy in the wheelchair, right?
Will Schuester: 
That's what I was thinking. And I thought Kurt could play the role of Frank-N-Furter.
Kurt Hummel: 
No. There's no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.
Santana Lopez: Why? 'Cause that look was last season?
Mike Chang: I'll do it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? It's, like, the male lead.
Mike Chang: I know, but I'm feeling a little more confident about my singing voice after our duets project.
Will Schuester: 
Great! I have no problem with that. Now, we're a little short on female roles, so we're going to have to double up on columbias and magentas.
Rachel Berry: It's standard practice on Broadway. It'll preserve your voices.
Mercedes Jones: I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement.
Will Schuester: Sam. I'd like you to play the role of the creature.
Sam Evans: From the black lagoon?
Quinn Fabray: 
Rocky. He's like the frankenstein character, but blond. You'll kill the part. He's cute, just like you.
Santana Lopez: Better start working on those abs.
Sam Evans: 
Are you kidding me? You could cut glass with these babies. I have no problem showing off my body.
Will Schuester: Okay. Looks like we got ourselves a show.



Rachel Berry: 
So then after the time warp, riff raff aka Kurt takes us to Frank-N-Furter's lab.
Finn Hudson: 
I have no idea what's going on in this script, and it's not in a cool inception kind of way.
Rachel Berry: 
Just try, okay? All right, so, then they take off our wet clothes, and we do the rest of the scene in our underwear.
Finn Hudson: Wait, I'm in my tighty-whities?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Finn Hudson: 
I can't be on stage, in front of the whole school in my tighty-whities. They're... Gonna be able to see my whole... business.
Rachel Berry: Come on. It will just be like going to the pool.
Finn Hudson: 
I wear a swim shirt at the pool. I tell everybody it's because I burn easily, but... Look... I know I'm a big athlete, and it's not manly or anything... but I'm kind of insecure about how I look.
Rachel Berry: 
Come on. You just... You know, you have a different body type. I don't look like Brittany or santana, but you still think I'm hot, right?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, of course.
Rachel Berry: 
So, then... You're just going to have to trust me that you're the hottest guy in school. Okay?
Finn Hudson: Okay.
Rachel Berry: 
Come her all right. So, then after that, Frank-N-Furter's going to come down and elevator, and when he comes down, we are scared. I might faint. Maybe a couple times.



Andrea Carmichael: ... Making it the zoo's first unitarian chimp wedding in over six years.
Rod Remington: And we certainly wish the couple well.
Andrea Carmichael: We are.
Rod Remington: And now, let's mosey on over to Sue's corner. Take it away, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: 
Thanks, Rod. You know, Halloween is fast approaching, the day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls, and little girls to dress like whores, and go door-to-door, browbeating hardworking Americans into giving them free food. Well you know what, Western Ohio? We've lost the true meaning of Halloween. Fear. Halloween is that magical day of the year when a child is told their grandmother's a demon who's been feeding them rat casserole with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs. Children must know fear. Without it, they won't know how to behave. They'll try frenching grizzly bears or consider living in Florida. So, moms, skip trick-or-treating this year, and instead, sit your little toddler down and explain that daddy's a hungry zombie, and before he went out to sharpen his pitchfork, he whispered to mommy that you looked delicious. And that's how Sue sees it.
Rod Remington: Sue, you're the cat's pajamas. And we'll be right back.



Barry Jeffries: 
Hello, Sue. I'm Barry Jeffries. This is Tim Stanwick. We're the new local station managers down at WOHN.
Tim Stanwick: Do you mind if we sit?
Barry Jeffries: We loved Sue's corner last night.
Tim Stanwick: Oh, yeah.
Barry Jeffries: You know, we come from the world of cable news.
Tim Stanwick: And we have... ideas.
Barry Jeffries: 
You see, good news is about information. But great news is about fear. For example... Tim!
Tim Stanwick: Hmm?
Barry Jeffries: Did you hear about the swarm of africanized killer bees?
Tim Stanwick: No. Wouldn't it be awful to see an entire town overrun by killer bees?
Barry Jeffries: I'm sorry, did you just say, Tim, "an entire town overrun by killer bees"?
Tim Stanwick: Well, I ju...
Barry Jeffries: There's your quote.
Tim Stanwick: And you can replace "killer bees" with whatever you want! Terrorists!
Barry Jeffries: Mexicans!
Tim Stanwick: Mexican terrorists!
Barry Jeffries: Ants!
Tim Stanwick: Mexican terrorist ants!
Sue Sylvester: So, what can I do for you?
Tim Stanwick: 
Someone at this school is seeking the stage rights to Rocky Horror as this year's musical.
Barry Jeffries: I take it you know the show.
Sue Sylvester: 
When I was younger, I took my sister to the show. The audience was so enraged at having a disabled person in their midst, you know what they did? They threw toast at us. You want me to shut it down?
Barry Jeffries: 
No. No. We want you to do an expos? Proving that the secular progressive agenda has finally arrived here in the Lima, Ohio, school district.
Tim Stanwick: Sue, it's got a local Emmy written all over it.
Barry Jeffries: We have a deal?



Will Schuester: 
All right, places, Finn and Rachel. I want to start with "damn it, Janet."
Santana Lopez: Oh! I cannot wait till Finn takes his top off so we can all see the hotness underneath.
Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?
Brittany S. Pierce: 
You can't have sloppy Joes every day for lunch and think you can get away with it.
Rachel Berry: Um... that's incredibly rude.
Quinn Fabray: 
Is it? Guys whisper behind our backs about how we girls look every day. They objectify us all the time.
Tina Cohen-Chang: She sort of has a point.
Santana Lopez: 
Yeah, earlier today, Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I'm done with the ostrich eggs I'm smuggling in my bra.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm super looking forward to seeing Sam in his gold bikini.
Sam Evans: It's gonna be ab-ulous.
Finn Hudson: Can we get on with rehearsal, please?
Rachel Berry: Yeah!
Will Schuester: 
I agree! Yes. Let's stay focused, guys. All right... Riff raff and Columbia and magenta, team one. Take your places. Let's rock and roll.
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: Hey, Janet...
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Yes, Brad?
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: I've got something to say.
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Uh-huh.
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: 
I really loved the... skillful way... You beat the other girls... to the bride's bouquet.
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Oh, Brad!
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # The river was deep, but I swam it #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # The future is ours, so let's plan it #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # So please don't tell me to can it #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: 
# I've one thing to say #
# And that's damn it, Janet, I love you #
# The road was long, but I ran it Janet... #
# There's a fire in my heart and you fan it #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # If there's one fool for you, then I am it... #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Janet... #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: 
# I've one thing to say #
# And that's damn it, Janet, I love you #
# Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker #
# There's three ways that love can grow #
# That's good, bad or mediocre #
# Oh, j-a-n-e-t, I love you so #
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # It's nicer than Betty Munroe had #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Oh, Brad #
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # Now we're engaged and I'm so glad #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Oh, Brad #
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: # That you've met mom and you know dad #
Kurt, Mercedes & Quinn: # Oh, Brad #
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: 
# I've one thing to say #
# And that's Brad, I'm mad for you, too... #
Sue Sylvester: 
What made you think you could get away with doing this show without my knowledge?
Will Schuester: 
I didn't; I was hoping just to run out the clock until it was too late to stop us.
Sue Sylvester: 
Who says I want to stop you? I appreciate how Rocky Horror pushes boundaries.
Will Schuester: So you're not gonna fight us?
Sue Sylvester: Perhaps not. I just want to be involved, Will. The arts matter.
Will Schuester: 
Fine. Join us. Play the part of the criminologist. We need someone with authority.
Sue Sylvester: Done.
Will Schuester: Great. We rehearse tonight.
Sue Sylvester: Fantastic. Give me time to do my rewrites.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry?
Sue Sylvester: 
Yeah, it says right here in my contract that I get final script approval. And I wouldn't fight it, Will. I'm a notary public. See you on the boards, buddy.



Sam Evans: 
75... Chicken, egg whites, fish... no salmon... oatmeal, brown rice, but not after 6:00 P.M. No butter or oil and no soda.
Finn Hudson: That's all you eat?
Sam Evans: Ain't no carpool lane to sexy.
Artie Abrams: Damn straight.
Finn Hudson: 
I don't know, man, I never used to think about this stuff. I mean, we're guys. When did this start to matter?
Artie Abrams: 
I personally blame the Internet. Once Internet porn was invented, girls could watch without having to make that embarrassing trip to the video store. Internet porn altered the female brain chemistry, making them more like men. And thus more concerned with our bodies.
Finn Hudson: 
But doesn't it get exhausting thinking about what you eat, like, working out like a madman?
Sam Evans: 
Nah. I mean, if I miss a workout or eat a hot dog, I hate myself for a few days, but the fact is, if I want to be cool, if I want to get Quinn for good, I got to look the part. You get up on that stage and look like the Pillsbury doughboy, no way you're staying popular. Come on, let's do some squats.



Will Schuester: 
I think maybe that's why Sue's been such a bully all along. She really just wants to be included. Listen... I really don't want to overstep my boundaries here, but I really need your help. I-I need to find all these costumes, and nobody knows Rocky Horror like you. I don't know, would you mind coming on board as my costume designer?
Emma Pillsbury: Are you serious? You're not kidding? I would love to! I'd love to!
Will Schuester: 
Well, it's gonna be a lot of work, and we're gonna be spending a lot of time together.
Emma Pillsbury: 
Yes, it's a dream come true! I mean, the costume designing is a dream come true; Not the spending a lot of time... not that spending a lot of time wouldn't be, but it... because of Carl... I've got the Carl.
Will Schuester: Yeah, Carl. Yeah.
Mike Chang: 
Mr. Schue? My parents read the script, and they're pulling me out of Rocky Horror.
Will Schuester: What?
Mike Chang: 
I really want to do it, but they're just not cool with me dressing up like a tranny. I hate to let you down, but I'm out.



Sue Sylvester: Becky... That is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen.
Becky Jackson: Thanks, coach.
Sue Sylvester: 
There's only one thing missing. Go scream at some fatties. Oh, and Becky, next year, when you trick or treat as me, you'll need to be clutching a bright, glittering local Emmy.
Will Schuester: 
Uh, Sue, I've got some bad news. We lost our Frank-N-Furter, and I can't find a replacement. Musical's canceled.



Carl Howell: 
Yeah, that's cute, that's good. Look at this. See? I'm gonna have to squeeze into this. They were out of the latex panties, so I got the see-through, see? Look.
Sue Sylvester: Take your sick, perverted sex games out of this school!
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, Sue, this is not what it looks like...
Sue Sylvester: 
I should have known. People who dress like librarians... all sex addicts.
Carl Howell: I'm sorry. And you are?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, okay. Carl, meet Sue. Sue, this is my boyfriend Carl.
Carl Howell: 
Sue, how do you do? Okay. I was just showing Emma my Halloween costume. We're both sort of Rocky Horror fans.
Emma Pillsbury: Sort of?
Carl Howell: Well...
Emma Pillsbury: Sort of?
Carl Howell: Yeah!
Emma Pillsbury: Please! Carl knows the lyrics to every single song.
Carl Howell: Every song.
Emma Pillsbury: He has an amazing voice, too, so...
Carl Howell: Well, for a dentist.
Emma Pillsbury: For a dentist...
Sue Sylvester: Oh, oh!
Carl Howell: You okay?
Sue Sylvester: 
Oh! Yeah, Carl, it's just... My heart is, uh... is breaking just a little bit. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I am a huge proponent of the arts in schools, and, well, even at this very school, gosh, we're failing, and, uh, you know, when the kids don't have arts, they turn to drugs and... With drugs comes tooth loss and... Are you ready for a chilling statistic? 70% of all teeth in this school are wooden.
Emma Pillsbury: Seventy percent?
Carl Howell: Is there anything I can do to help?



Will Schuester: I don't understand.
Carl Howell: Well, you guys have a hole to fill, and I'm just trying to help fill it.
Santana Lopez: Wanky.
Emma Pillsbury: Santana!
Will Schuester: 
Well, you know, I can't just give you a role. You'd have to try out.
Carl Howell: Fair enough, but I'll need a lady to sing to. Ems?
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Carl Howell / Eddie: 
"Hot patootie." B-flat.
# Whatever happened to Saturday night #
# When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? #
# It don't seem the same since cosmic light #
# Came into my life, I thought I was divine #
# I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go #
# And listen to the music on the radio #
# A saxophone was blowin' on a rock and roll show #
# You'd climb in the back seat, really had a good time #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
Come on.
# My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled #
# My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt #
# I'd taste her baby pink lipstick #
# And that's when I'd melt #
# She whispered in my ear tonight she really was mine #
# Get back in front, put some hair oil on #
# Buddy holly was singing his very last song #
# With your arms around your girl, you'd try to sing along #
# You felt pretty good, whoo, you really had a good time #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll #
# Hot patootie, bless my soul #
# I really love that rock and roll! #
New Directions: Yeah!
Sue Sylvester: No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. This will not do.
Carl Howell: Excuse me?
Sue Sylvester: 
For this musical to continue, we need a Frank-N-Furter, not an Eddie. Eddie was eliminated in my rewrites.
Will Schuester: 
Sue's right. You want to play in our sandbox, sing a Frank-N-Furter number.
Carl Howell: 
Well, I'm sorry, bro, but I think it's fine to wear that Frankie bustier in the privacy of your own home... I'm freaky like that... but don't you think it's a little inappropriate in a high school musical? I mean, at least if I play Eddie, I won't have to grind up against the students. You know, Eddie's an important role. If I did it, I'd be showing my support for the arts.
Will Schuester: Are you telling me how to direct my show?
Carl Howell: Will, Will...
Mercedes Jones: 
Mr. Schue... I'd like to play Frank-N-Furter. I was rereading the script yesterday, and it said "don't dream it, be it." And it's my dream to play a lead role, so I figure, why not me? I mean, I'd be all kind of crazy sexy in that outfit. And I can reinterpret the number a little bit... make it more modern. I'd really like the chance, Mr. Schue.
Sue Sylvester: 
Well, there you go, Will. You killed two birds with one stone here today... congratulations. Look, you got yourself a Frank-N-Furter and an Eddie. This is outstanding.



Will Schuester: Are you ready for our first dress rehearsal?
Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys... places!
Finn Hudson: 
Uh, Mr. Schue? Uh... I know I'm supposed to be in my underwear for this scene, and I'm totally down with that. I thought maybe I would save it for the opening, if that's okay.
Sam Evans: 
Um, also, miss Pillsbury, is there a way I could... Wear, like, some gold board shorts or something? These are really short. I'm afraid I'm gonna show off some nuttage.
Emma Pillsbury: Well...
Will Schuester: 
We'll take a note. We can't stop, guys. It's a dress rehearsal. Come on, keep going. And... Action!
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: 
Oh, Brad, let's get out of here. I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm just plain scared.
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: Well, I'm here. There's nothing to worry about.
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: 
# How do you do, I #
# See you met my #
# Faithful handyman #
# He's just a little broke down #
# 'Cause wouldn't you know #
# He thought you were the candy man #
# Don't get strung out #
# By the way I look #
# Don't judge a book by its cover #
# I'm not much of a girl #
# By the light of day #
# But by night, I'm one hell of a lover #
# I'm just a sweet transvestite #
# From sin... sational #
# Transylvania #
# Why don't you stay for the night #
Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Night. #
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: # Or maybe a bite #
Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: 
# Bite. #
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: 
# I could show you my favorite obsession #
# I've been making a man #
# With blond hair and a tan #
# And he's good for relieving my tension #
# I'm just a sweet transvestite #
# A sweet transvestite #
# From sin... sational #
# Transylvania #
# Hey, hey #
# I'm just a sweet transvestite #
# A sweet transvestite #
# From sin... sational #
# Transylvania. #
So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...
Mercedes, Emma & Will: ... pation!
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: 
# But maybe the rain #
# Isn't really to blame #
# So I'll remove the cause #
# But not the symptom! #
Emma Pillsbury: Now that's an entrance.
Carl Howell: Mr. Director, I take that wall out right?
Will Schuester: 
You're two acts early, Carl. You're supposed to bust through the dinner party scene.
Carl Howell: Oh... well, actually, I was sort of feeling my entrance in this scene.
Emma Pillsbury: Such good, good, interesting impulses. Oh!
Will Schuester: Bravo, Carl, bravo.



Emma Pillsbury: Will? Hey, I got your note you wanted to see me.
Will Schuester: We have a problem with the show. It's Carl.
Emma Pillsbury: Really? I thought he was perfect.
Will Schuester: 
I agree, but, uh... What he said during his audition, it's-it's-it's-it's haunted me. He's right. Some of these parts are just too adult for kids to play.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yeah, well, I have to agree, Will. You know? Especially Sam.
Will Schuester: Sam! Right. He seems so uncomfortable.
Emma Pillsbury: I know. I... yeah.
Will Schuester: So I spoke with him.



Sam Evans: Is there something wrong with my body?
Will Schuester: 
Your body's fine, Sam. But, frankly, I think the role's a little too risqué for a student.
Sam Evans: I did feel kind of... embarrassed. Who's gonna play Rocky?



Will Schuester: Uh, I guess I have to.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm-I'm sorry?
Will Schuester: I figured if Carl can play Eddie, then... I can play Rocky.
Emma Pillsbury: Hmm.
Will Schuester: 
Thing is, I'm not as familiar with the libretto as you are, and I can really use your help rehearsing.
Emma Pillsbury: 
Uh... I'm... are-are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, you'll be a great Rocky. You look really, really great... h-healthy, but I mean, you're a teacher.
Will Schuester: 
Which is why I should do it. It will give the show a little more credibility, you know?
Emma Pillsbury: Oh.
Will Schuester: 
So... think you could help me out? I mean, I have to have "touch-a touch me" down by rehearsal tomorrow.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, okay.
Will Schuester: Okay?
Emma Pillsbury: Um... well, I guess, if you want to start over there, and I will start here.
Will Schuester: 
Right. Good, good, good, good. Good. So let's just, uh, just imagine that we're all alone in Frank-N-Furter's laboratory... alone.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: 
# I was feeling done in #
# Couldn't win #
# I'd only ever kissed before... #
Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # You mean she...? #
Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Uh-huh. #
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: 
# I felt there's no use getting #
# Into heavy sweating #
# It only leads to trouble and #
# Bad fretting #
# Now all I want to know #
# Is how to go #
# I've tasted blood and I want more #
Brittany & Santana: # More, more, more #
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: 
# I'll put up no resistance #
# I want to stay the distance #
# I've got an itch to scratch #
# I need assistance #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #
# I want to be dirty #
# Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night #
# Then if anything shows #
# While you pose #
# I'll oil you up and drop you down #
Brittany & Santana: # Down, down, down #
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: 
# And that's just one small fraction #
# Of the main attraction #
Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Oh! #
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # I want a friendly man #
Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # Oh! #
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: 
# And I need action #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #
# I want to be dirty #
# Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #
Santana Lopez / Magenta: # I want to be dirty #
Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: 
# Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night #
# Uh-huh! #
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: 
# Oh! #
# Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me #
# Oh, I want to be dirty #
# Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me #
# Creature of the night... #
Will Schuester / Rocky Horror: # Creature of the night #
Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # Creature of the night #
Carl Howell / Eddie: # Creature of the night #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # Creature of the night #
Santana Lopez / Magenta: # Creature of the night #
Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: # Creature of the night #
Will Schuester / Rocky Horror: # Creature... of the night #
Emma Pillsbury / Janet Weiss: # Creature of the night! #
Will Schuester: I...
Emma Pillsbury: I, uh...
Will Schuester: I...
Emma Pillsbury: I, uh...



Sam Evans: Whoa, whoa...
Finn Hudson: Ah, wow, yeah. I would've had it.
Sam Evans: Yeah, sure. Not that big.
Finn Hudson: Where you been? You're late.
Sam Evans: Sorry. I spaced. I'm not playing Rocky anymore.
Finn Hudson: You're kidding. Who is?
Sam Evans: 
Mr. Schue. I totally blew this. I shouldn't have made all those demands about my costume. I just feel, I feel fat, like I had rolls hanging over those gold shorts.
Finn Hudson: 
But you're in perfect shape, dude. Wait, since I said I'm uncomfortable in the tighty-whities, does that mean I'm gonna get replaced next?
Sam Evans: 
No, you don't have to worry about that. The "Brad" part isn't about looking hot. It's about being confident in who you are and how you look, no matter how douchey you are. That's guy's totally cool being uncool.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm definitely not there. I actually started showering with my shirt on.
Sam Evans: 
Look, stop knocking yourself out in here. Just be you and the sexy will flow through.
Finn Hudson: 
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I don't need to hide behind my muscles, like you do.
Sam Evans: Awesome. I think. Are you insulting me? Where are you going?
Finn Hudson: To show everyone how hot and sexy I am.
Sam Evans: Oh, wow. Damn those cool ranch doritos.



Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Eddie... I've seen him.
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Eddie? What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: 
I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see... Eddie happens to be my nephew.
Sue Sylvester: This play is terrible.
Will Schuester: Finn's line: "Dr. Scott!"
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Janet!
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Dr. Scott!
Will Schuester: Finn's line: "Janet!"
Sue Sylvester: I'm so bored I just fell into a micro-sleep.
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Brad!
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Rocky!
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Janet.
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Dr. Scott!
Will Schuester: Still being Finn: "Janet!"
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Brad!
Sue Sylvester: None of this is plausible.
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Rocky!
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: Janet!
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Dr. Scott!
Will Schuester: Finn's line: "Janet!"
Rachel Berry / Janet Weiss: Brad!
Mercedes Jones / Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Rocky.
Sue Sylvester: This play has incredible pacing problems.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, it is pointless to rehearse this scene without Finn.
Will Schuester: 
We don't have a choice. He's late and he's not answering his phone. We gotta get this timing down, guys. And would you please stop interjecting your opinions, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Opinions? These are my rewrites.
Principal Figgins: William, I'd like to see you in my office, please.



Will Schuester: Suspended? For what?



Finn Hudson: I sort of walked down the hall in my Rocky Horror costume.
Azimio Adams: Whoa! Nice panties, baby Huey!
Dave Karofsky: Hey, my grandpa Murray called. He wants his boxers back.



Will Schuester: Why would you do that?
Finn Hudson: 
I was trying to get comfortable in my costume. You don't understand how hard it is for us guys to be exposed like that. Just thought maybe it would make me feel hot enough to get up on stage and sing in my underwear.
Principal Figgins: 
I'm recommending one month's suspension and summer school to make up for any lost class time.
Will Schuester: 
Can we have a moment alone please? You can't do this to him. He was just coming to rehearsal in his costume... that's not a crime.
Principal Figgins: 
Nine children have already signed up for after-school therapy. I had to bring in a grief counselor.
Will Schuester: 
Last year when the cheerios won the national championship, Santana pantsed Brittany, and she was wearing a lot less than her underwear. Neither of them were suspended.
Principal Figgins: That was in the middle of a celebration.
Will Schuester: But there's still a precedent. Huh?
Principal Figgins: Fine. A warning.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Principal Figgins: 
William? To be honest, your motivations for doing this production are murky to me, considering all that you're risking if something goes too far.
Will Schuester: What are you saying?
Principal Figgins: 
I'm saying that you're welcome to continue with this, but if you get any heat about it, I won't be able to protect you. You're putting you and your glee club on the line, and I want you to be sure that whatever you're doing it for is worth it.



Finn & Rachel: #There's a... #
Carl Howell: 
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Schuester, you messing with my woman? I thought we had a deal.
Will Schuester: I, uh... I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.
Carl Howell: 
Yes, you do, because Emma and I have a full disclosure policy... total honesty. Something that allows us to have a little thing I like to call intimacy. Something you clearly know nothing about.
Will Schuester: Look, we were just rehearsing.
Carl Howell: Stop it, bro. Man-to-man, you gave me your word.
Will Schuester: So, what, you quitting the show?
Carl Howell: 
No, no, no, no. Unlike you I believe in the power of the arts. I don't just use them to pick up other guys' chicks.



Becky Jackson: Trick or treat!
Will Schuester: 
Oh, geez, Becky, I forgot that "take back the night club" was going door-to-door this evening.
Becky Jackson: I want my chocolate bar.
Will Schuester: 
I'm sorry. I've been working so hard on Rocky Horror, I forgot to buy candy.
Becky Jackson: Rocky Horror is an abomination.
Will Schuester: What did you just say?
Becky Jackson: That's what coach Sue says on her tape. It's in her office. I'll show you.



Sue Sylvester: 
So I went undercover to expose what your tax dollars are funding in our public schools in the name of the arts. Now, I'm all about personal freedom. I've publicly voiced my support for that lady who wants to marry her own sores. But just because you're free to say whatever you want, doesn't always mean you should. Artists are free to push boundaries to make art. But when pushing boundaries is their only aim, the result is usually bad art. There's a time and a place for everything, and squeamishness about what we want our children exposed to is not the same as bigotry. Freedom-loving adults are free to have an open, lively debate about what we want our society to be. But let's not make our children fight the culture war for us. They deserve a little bit better than that. And that's... how Sue sees it.
Becky Jackson: Give me chocolate or I will cut you.



Will Schuester: Sue, you set me up.
Sue Sylvester: 
Hey, there, William. Root through anyone's personal belongings lately?
Will Schuester: When were you planning on airing that?
Sue Sylvester: 
Opening night. That's why I pretaped it. Oh, I know you're furious, Will. But do you honestly believe anything I said was unreasonable?
Will Schuester: Well... No.
Sue Sylvester: 
There are limits, Will. There is a line. And for reasons I suspect have nothing to do with your kids, you crossed it. You can't yell fire in a crowded theatre, and you can't expose kids to material like this. Not on the taxpayer's dime.
Will Schuester: Oh, please, Sue! They have the Internet. They are exposed!
Sue Sylvester: 
Don't lead them to it. Don't make it okay. They're kids! And now more than ever, high school is a dangerous place, and it's our job to guide them through it safely. And we still get to torture them along the way. It's a fabulous system.
Will Schuester: You're right. I-I'm pulling the show.
Sue Sylvester: Wait. What?
Will Schuester: I'm canceling the show. You were right. I was totally wrong.
Sue Sylvester: 
Well, shouldn't you wait until opening night? I mean, the kids worked so hard...
Will Schuester: Sorry, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Hey, do it for the kids, Will. I need that local Emmy, Will!



Emma Pillsbury: Are you sure you want to cancel the whole thing?
Will Schuester: 
I never should've tried to put it on in the first place. The reality is... I only did all this to get close to you.
Emma Pillsbury: I guess love can make you do some crazy things. You know?
Will Schuester: 
I'm sorry, Emma. And I promise to never abuse our feelings for each other again. I mean, let's face it. Carl's actually making you better. And if I really love you... I need to back off and accept the fact that... At least for now, being with him is the best thing for you.
Emma Pillsbury: So, what are you going to tell the kids?



Will Schuester: 
I want to apologize for putting you guys through all this... particularly Finn and Sam.
Finn Hudson: 
It's cool, Mr. Schue. I'm sure the teasing will die down by the time my tenth reunion rolls around.
Sam Evans: And I got asked to be June in the men of McKinley high calendar.
Will Schuester: 
I'm happy for you. But we still can't do the musical. Look, I was wrong. Rocky Horror isn't about pushing boundaries or making an audience accept a certain rebellious point of view. Those were my reasons for doing it, and they aren't worth risking what we have here for. And when I was younger, and they started midnight shows of Rocky Horror, it wasn't for envelope pushers. It was for outcasts, people on the fringes who had no place left to go, but were searching for someplace, anyplace, where they felt like they belonged. Sound familiar? The truth is, with that perspective, Rocky Horror is the perfect show for this club.
Santana Lopez: Well, then why aren't we putting it on?
Will Schuester: 
We're still going to perform Rocky Horror. We're just not doing it for an audience. We're doing it for ourselves.



Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: 
# It's astounding.
# Time is fleeting. #
# Madness... takes its toll. #
# But listen closely. #
Quinn Fabray / Magenta: # Not for very much longer. #
Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # I've got to keep control. #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: 
# I remember doing the time-warp #
# Drinking those moments when #
# The blackness would hit me #
Finn & Quinn: # And a void would be calling #
New Directions: 
# Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # It's just a jump to the left. #
New Directions: # And then a step to the right #
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # Put your hands on your hips. #
New Directions: 
# You bring your knees in tight #
# That really drives you insane #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
Quinn Fabray / Magenta: 
# It's so dreamy #
# Oh, fantasy free me #
# So you can't see me, no, not at all #
# In another dimension #
# With voyeuristic intentions #
# Well secluded, oh, I see it all #
Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # With a bit of a mind flip. #
Quinn Fabray / Magenta: # You're into the time slip. #
Kurt Hummel / Riff-Raff: # And nothing can ever be the same. #
Quinn Fabray / Magenta: # You're spaced out on sensation, ow! #
Finn Hudson / Brad Majors: # Like you're under sedation #
New Directions: 
# Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
Brittany S. Pierce / Columbia: 
# Well, I was walking down the street just a-having a think #
# When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink #
Tina Cohen-Chang / Columbia: 
# He shook me up, he took me by surprise #
# He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes #
# He stared at me and I felt a change #
# Time meant nothing, never would again #
New Directions: 
# Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # It's just a jump to the left. #
New Directions: # And then a step to the right #
Artie Abrams / Dr. Everett B. Scott: # Put your hands on your hips. #
New Directions: 
# You bring your knees in tight #
# But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane #
# Let's do the time-warp again #
# Let's do the time-warp again. #
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206. Never Been Kissed

放送日:2010年11月9日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee. Puck tried to steal an ATM and got himself stuck in juvie.
Noah Puckerman: As far as badasses go, I'm number one.
Ian Brennan: Sam and Quinn are sort of a couple, and so are Mike and Tina. Artie and Brittany went out, but then he sort of dumped her, and now he sort of wants her back. Kurt's pretty lonely all by himself, and so is Coach Beiste. Sue keeps trying to get her to quit.
Shannon Beiste: Are those dog poop cookies?
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Sam Evans: Phew. Ooh.
Finn Hudson: Dude. How do you stand that cold tub?
Sam Evans: I'm used to cold showers dating Quinn.



Quinn Fabray: No.
Sam Evans: How about a little something-something?
Quinn Fabray: A little something-something always leads to something more. I've been there, remember? When we're prom king and queen, it will feel just as good as a little something-something.



Finn Hudson: Been there, dude. Actually, still there now, but how did we find the only two girls in high school that won't put out?
Sam Evans: What do you do, though?
Finn Hudson: Well, easy. I just think about the opposite of what I'm doing.



Carole Hudson: Oh, my God!



Sam Evans: I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before.
Finn Hudson: Well, you have to find something to be your own buzz kill. You know, something that is total not hot.
Shannon Beiste: I don't care! If you're on this football team, you'll wear a cup, no exceptions!
Finn Hudson: Hey, have you ever noticed that when the Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?
Shannon Beiste: ... in your groin with that helmet? You think The Nutcracker's just a musical?
Sam Evans: Looks like I've found my mailman.
Finn Hudson: Yes, you did.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I take it we have a lot of sweater trains to look forward to this season. Are you okay?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah. Fine.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, let's get down to business. First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman. Puck, I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.
Quinn Fabray: Wow, what a catch. Can't believe I ever let you go.
Will Schuester: And now, drum roll, Finn. Because I have in my hand our competition for Sectionals next month. First, the a capella choir from the all-boys' private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
Santana Lopez: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.
Will Schuester: And the other team to beat— The Hipsters, a first-year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.
Rachel Berry: Is that legal?
Mercedes Jones: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good-luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis.
Will Schuester: Moving on. Since it seemed to get you guys jazzed about Sectionals last year, I want to make this week our second annual Boys Versus Girls tournament. So, split up into two groups, and figure out what songs you're going to sing.
Rachel Berry: Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my head.
Will Schuester: Kurt, gonna say it again— boys' team.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, how about y'all...?
Sam Evans: I say we do a whole AC/DC. Like, the lead guitarist, like, drops his pants at every concert.
Finn Hudson: Mm-hmm, yeah.
Sam Evans: Pants here...



Artie Abrams: I know it's not my place to ask, but can you push me down the back staircase? My injuries should be the same, but it's more lightly populated, so the humiliation won't be as bad.
Noah Puckerman: Relax. I'm here to take care of you. You're my boy now.
Artie Abrams: I don't understand.
Noah Puckerman: I got out of juvie early because I agreed to do community service, but I ain't pickin' up trash along the freeway. That's ghetto. So I told my probie officer that I knew a cripple that needed some help. She went for it.
Artie Abrams: I'm your community service?
Noah Puckerman: There's no way I'm going back to juvie. There's no chicks and no kosher meal options up in that place.
Artie Abrams: Cool. So we're, like, friends.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, slow down, Professor X. I never said anything about liking you. Now shut up right quick. We're going to steal some food from the cafeteria. This chair's a great place for hiding stuff.



Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?!
Dave Karofsky: You talking back to me? You want a piece of The Fury?
Kurt Hummel: The Fury?
Dave Karofsky: That's what I named my fist.
Kurt Hummel: Well, with that level of creativity, you could easily become assistant manager at a rendering plant.
Dave Karofsky: I don't know what that is, but if I find out it's bad, The Fury's going to find you.



Will Schuester: Is there anything that I could do?
Kurt Hummel: No. This is my hill to climb alone.
Will Schuester: Can I be honest? I think it's getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back, but lately, you've been belligerent, angry, pushing people away.
Kurt Hummel: Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive. Boys Versus Girls? That doesn't challenge any of us.
Will Schuester: You mean, because I didn't let you join the girls like you wanted?
Kurt Hummel: To answer your question, yes, I'm unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down, but most of all, I'm not challenged in the least here.



Will Schuester: Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here.
Brittany S. Pierce: I've totally done that.
Will Schuester: We're just making an adjustment. Boys, you are now doing songs traditionally sung by girl groups. And girls, try some classic rock— uh, the Who, the Stones. The more opposite your choice, the more points you get.
Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, gentlemen. I have this one under control.



Kurt Hummel: Now, obviously, for this medley to work, I'm going to have to sing lead, and, of course, when you're singing Diana Ross, Bob Mackie-esque maribou feather boas are a must.
Artie Abrams: Isn't this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in a sequined gown and a feather boa is exactly what you'd expect.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, who said anything about a gown?
Noah Puckerman: Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful, and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the garglers?
Kurt Hummel: The Warblers.
Noah Puckerman: Whatever. See what they're up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You'll blend right in.
Kurt Hummel: Fine.



Quinn Fabray: Is this hot enough for you? Say my name, Sam. I said, say my name.



Shannon Beiste: I said, say my name.



Sam Evans: Beiste.
Quinn Fabray: Are you okay?
Sam Evans: Yeah. I could do this for hours.



Quinn Fabray: I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it: "Beiste." I think he was picturing making out with her.
Sue Sylvester: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.
Quinn Fabray: Coach, I need help. I've done everything I can to rehabilitate my image. I'm getting straight A's, dating the cutest guy at school.
Sue Sylvester: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear God, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. Do you know what kind of disgusting images I'm going to have to look at to get this out of my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.
Quinn Fabray: Coach, I really don't know what to do.
Sue Sylvester: Wait. This may be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.
Quinn Fabray: What do I have to do?
Sue Sylvester: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this, make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud and in public. Show him who's the boss. Oh, man. Now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episode of Who's the Boss?



Artie Abrams: Shouldn't you be studying geometry? Aren't you failing?
Noah Puckerman: One thing I learned in juvie? Cash is king. Lets people know we're not doing it for free.
Artie Abrams: Wait, you think people are going to pay us to sing? I don't think busking is allowed in school.
Noah Puckerman: Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair.
Artie Abrams: This is so, so badass. I've never broken the rules like this.
Noah Puckerman: # One love #
# One heart #
# Let's get together and feel all right #
Artie Abrams: # Hear the children crying #
Noah Puckerman: # One love #
Artie Abrams: # Hear the children crying #
Noah Puckerman: # One heart #
Artie & Noah: # Sayin' give thanks and praise #
# To the Lord and I will feel all right #
Noah Puckerman: # Sayin' #
Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right #
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa #
Artie Abrams: # Let them all pass all their dirty remarks #
# There is one question I'd really love to ask #
Noah Puckerman: # One heart #
# Is there a place for the hopeless sinner #
# Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own? #
Artie Abrams: # Believe me #
# One love #
Noah Puckerman: # What about the one heart? #
Artie Abrams: # One heart #
Noah Puckerman: # What about love? #
Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right #
Artie Abrams: # As it was in the beginning #
Noah Puckerman: # One love #
Artie Abrams: # So shall it be in the end #
Noah Puckerman: # One heart #
Artie Abrams: # All right #
Noah Puckerman: # Give thanks and praise to the Lord #
Artie Abrams: # Oh #
Artie & Noah: # And I will feel all right #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah #
Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right. #
Artie Abrams: Holy crap, there's, like, 300 bucks in here.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear.
Artie Abrams: I can. It's about 300 bucks. What are we going to do with it?
Noah Puckerman: Buy a butt load of clove cigarettes, then I don't know. You want her? You don't need any cash for that. She's free.
Artie Abrams: She was my first. Now I-I think I want her back.
Noah Puckerman: So go get her.
Artie Abrams: It's not that simple. I was kind of mean to her when I blew her off.
Noah Puckerman: This is perfect. The thing about chicks is you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them to get them to like you again.
Artie Abrams: So what do we do?
Noah Puckerman: Here's a little community service coming at you. You and I are gonna take this dough and go on a double date with Santana and Brittany to the Styx.
Artie & Noah: Yeah!
Noah Puckerman: Best community servicer ever, right?



Kurt Hummel: Excuse me. Um, hi. Can I ask you a question? I'm new here.
Blaine Anderson: My name's Blaine.
Kurt Hummel: Kurt. So, what exactly is going on?
Blaine Anderson: The Warblers. Every now and then they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons. It tends to shut the school down for a while.
Kurt Hummel: So, wait, the glee club here is kind of cool?
Blaine Anderson: The Warblers are like rock stars. Come on. I know a shortcut.



Kurt Hummel: Oh, I stick out like a sore thumb.
Blaine Anderson: Well, next time don't forget your jacket, new kid. You'll fit right in. Now, if you'll excuse me.
# Before you met me #
# I was all right #
# But things were kind of heavy #
# You brought me to life #
# Now every February #
# You'll be my Valentine #
# Valentine #
# Let's go all #
# The way tonight #
# No regrets #
The Warblers: # Ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Just love #
# We can dance #
# Until we die, you and I #
# Will be young forever #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream #
# The way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep #
# Let's run away #
# And don't ever look back #
# Don't every look #
# Let's go #
# All the way #
# Tonight #
# No regrets #
# Just love #
# We can dance #
# Until we die #
# You and I #
# Will be young forever #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream, the way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep, let's run away #
# And don't ever look back #
# Don't ever look, I'm gonna get #
# Your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ah... #
# Ooh, ooh #
# Ooh... #
# Ah... #
# Ah, ah #
Blaine Anderson: # Yeah...! #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream #
# The way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep #
# Let's run away and don't #
# Ever look back #
# Don't ever look back #
# My heart #
# Stops when you look at me #
# Just one touch, now, baby #
# I believe #
# This is real #
# So take a chance and don't ever look back #
# Don't ever look back #
# I'm gonna get your #
# Heart racing in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight #
# Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight. #



Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait. That's hilarious. Picturing Beiste helps cool you off?
Mike Chang: That's what Sam said.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? Well, then let's get a room. I love making out under the stars. With those abs, you could be my very own situation.
Mike Chang: Slow down. Can't get caught in here. We should probably cool off.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But I'm so turned on right now.



Shannon Beiste: This'll cool you down a little bit.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Beiste.
Mike Chang: What did you say?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Nothing. I got to go. I'll see you in Glee Club.
Mike Chang: Beiste?



Quinn Fabray: Just be honest with me— I won't get mad at you if you tell me the truth. I'll be relieved.
Sam Evans: Really? Because it looks like you're gonna be mad no matter what I say.
Quinn Fabray: You said another woman's name while you were kissing me. Look, I get it— she's in a position of power over you, which can be exciting, and you clearly like women who give you a hard time.
Sam Evans: I'm not cheating on you with my football coach. Look, can we talk about this in private?
Quinn Fabray: Why, am I embarrassing you?
Sam Evans: It's not what you think.
Quinn Fabray: What I think is that I'm not putting out for you, so you're getting it wherever you can, including the locker room with the Beiste.
Shannon Beiste: What's this?
Quinn Fabray: This is a lovers quarrel and is your fault.
Shannon Beiste: Watch your tone with me, missy. You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off.
Quinn Fabray: I'll leave you two.
Will Schuester: Everything okay?
Mike Chang: Stay away from my woman.
Shannon Beiste: What hell's going on around here?
Will Schuester: What's going on, Sam?



Will Schuester: How many of the guys have done this?
Sam Evans: All the guys whose girlfriends won't put out.
Mike Chang: It's the girls, too.
Will Schuester: This is really bad, guys. What if Coach Beiste were to find out about it? Think about how hurt she'd be.
Sam Evans: It's not personal.
Will Schuester: Of course it's personal! Look, Coach Beiste is like us, like Glee Club— she's an outsider at this school. No one appreciates her or her talent, because they've decided that she's too different. And for you guys to abuse that, even in private, is the opposite of everything we're trying to achieve in here.
Sam Evans: But we're just thinking about it, it's not like we're actually, you know, making fun of her to her face.
Will Schuester: I need you to stop. And spread the word to all the other Glee guys. And girls. This ends here and now. And Coach Beiste can never know about this.
Sam Evans: Okay.
Mike Chang: Sorry.



Blaine Anderson: Latte?
Kurt Hummel: Thank you.
Blaine Anderson: This is Wes and David.
Kurt Hummel: It's very civilized for you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.
Wesley Montgomery: We are not going to beat you up.
David Thompson: You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of... endearing.
Blaine Anderson: Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came.
Kurt Hummel: Can I ask you guys a question? Are you guys all gay?
Blaine Anderson: Uh, uh, no. I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends.
David Thompson: This is not a gay school. We just have a zero-tolerance harassment policy.
Wesley Montgomery: Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple.
Blaine Anderson: Would you guys excuse us?
Wesley Montgomery: Yeah. Take it easy, Kurt.
Blaine Anderson: I take it you're having trouble at school.
Kurt Hummel: I'm the only person out of the closet at my school. And I-I... I tried to stay strong about it, but... there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell. And nobody seems to notice.
Blaine Anderson: I know how you feel. I got taunted at my old school, and it really... pissed me off. I even complained about it to the faculty, and they were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that... nobody really cared. It was, like, "Hey, if you're gay, your life's just gonna be miserable. Sorry. Nothing we can do about it." So I left, and I came here. Simple as that. So you have two options. I mean, I'd love to tell you to just come enroll here, but tuition at Dalton's sort of steep, and I know that's not an option for everybody. Or... you can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt, and you have a chance right now to teach him.
Kurt Hummel: How?
Blaine Anderson: Confront him. Call him out. I ran... Kurt. I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away, and it is something that I really... really regret.



Mercedes Jones: The boys beat us the last time we competed against them. We've got to bring the noise hard this time.
Quinn Fabray: To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for vitamin D possession before the vote.
Santana Lopez: Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now.
Rachel Berry: The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite or what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing those sequins on backwards. Spies!
Noah Puckerman: Lighten up— we're here to talk to Santana and Brittany. Remember, don't trust your instincts.
Santana Lopez: Hmm. So, how does it feel to be a free man?
Artie Abrams: All I can say is that I don't want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany, since I'm not in love with her.
Brittany S. Pierce: Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?
Noah Puckerman: Not really.
Santana Lopez: Oh.
Noah Puckerman: Tell you what, you two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00. If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.
Santana Lopez: You are totally cool.
Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
Artie Abrams: I can't believe it. You're a genius.



Shannon Beiste: Hey, Will, can I talk to you for a second?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Shannon Beiste: What's going on with your Glee Club kids? They've been mouthing off to me. One of them even said to stay away from their girl? I-I don't get it. You know, I'm the coach here, Will, and if the students here don't respect me... pfft, I can't do my job.
Will Schuester: Well, Coach... I... I don't know what to tell you.
Shannon Beiste: Will, please, be straight with me. You're the only person at this school I trust. Please.
Will Schuester: Why don't you have a seat? Uh... Th-Th-This is really awful, and I don't want you to take it personally. I mean, they're just kids. You-you know how they can be.
Shannon Beiste: Just-just tell me.
Will Schuester: I-I guess... it's... become sort of a-a thing, that... when the kids are making out, and... th-th-they sort of want to... cool off a little... They think of you. In compromising positions.
Shannon Beiste: Like what?
Will Schuester: Like... in lingerie... Oh... Coach, don't take it personally.
Shannon Beiste: I do take it personally, Will. I take it very, very personally.
Will Schuester: No. Sh-Shannon. Shannon, wait.



Noah Puckerman: So there I was. At juvie. In the breakfast line in the mess hall. When I notice me and this guy behind me going for the same waffle. This guy's 6'11", 300, easy. He's got his teeth filed into canines. Tats everywhere. Oh, it gets better. So I turn around. I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy... "L'eggo my Eggo." And you know what he does? He lets go of my Eggo.
Artie Abrams: Right.
Santana Lopez: You should be our nation's president.
Noah Puckerman: Maybe.
Brittany S. Pierce: I've been squeezing your leg for, like, the last hour and a half. Are you not attracted to me?
Artie Abrams: Sorry. I was really distracted by our waitress. She's totally into me.
Waitress Sandy: I can take that when you're ready.
Artie Abrams: Thank you.
Noah Puckerman: All right, guys. Let's move. This meal has been comped.
Artie Abrams: What?
Noah Puckerman: Dude, I don't pay for food. It's my thing, yo. So we're going to dine and dash. Let's go.
Waitress Sandy: Do you need any change?
Artie Abrams: Keep it. Thanks.
Noah Puckerman: What the hell was that about?
Artie Abrams: Sorry. I couldn't do it. She gave us free refills. And I figure she's got kids. I'm not gonna do that to her.
Noah Puckerman: Whatever, dude. You wussed out. So have fun taking the short bus home, 'cause I'll be escorting these lovely ladies back to Chez Puckerman for a little sookie-sookie.
Artie Abrams: Wait, seriously?
Noah Puckerman: Damn straight. I'm giving you all my trade secrets here. If you don't want my help, then fine. You're on your own.



Mercedes Jones: # Start me up #
# Start me up #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, Tommy used to work on the docks #
# Union's been on strike #
# He's down on his luck, it's tough #
# Oh, so tough #
Tina & Rachel: # Oh, we got to hold on, ready or not #
Rachel Berry: # You live for the fight when that's all that you've got #
# Start me up #
# We're halfway there #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #
Mercedes Jones: # If you start me up #
Girls of ND: # Ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # Kick on the starter #
# Give it all you've got #
# You gotta, you gotta #
# I can't compete #
Girls of ND: # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh #
Mercedes Jones: # With the riders in the other heat #
# Yeah, yeah #
Mercedes & Santana: # I'll make a grown man cry #
# I'll make a grown man give it a shot #
# Start me up #
# We're halfway there #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # Living on a prayer #
Tina & Rachel: # Oh, we gotta hold on, ready or not #
Rachel Berry: # You live for the fight when that's all that you've got #
# Oh, we're halfway there #
Mercedes Jones: # We're halfway there #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #
Mercedes Jones: # Living on a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear #
Mercedes Jones: # Whoa, we're living on a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # Living on a prayer #
Girls of ND: # You gotta start me up #
Will Schuester: Ladies, very, very impressive. What was it that made you guys choose those songs?
Rachel Berry: Well...
Becky Jackson: Coach said to give you this.



Sue Sylvester: Take a good look, William. Because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left, I have one confetti cannon. To my right, you'll find another confetti cannon. You know what that means?
Will Schuester: No, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: We got Beiste fired. And my full budget is restored.
Will Schuester: Wait, what?
Sue Sylvester: Well, actually she quit. But I'll take the W. And it was your kids that made it happen, Will. It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead? They just got mean. Congratulations, Will.
Will Schuester: Wait, Coach Beiste quit?
Sue Sylvester: I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And, now, if you'll excuse me... And if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up, that'd be great.



Kurt Hummel: Hey! I am talking to you!
Dave Karofsky: Girls' locker room is next door.
Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?
Dave Karofsky: Excuse me?
Kurt Hummel: What are you so scared of?
Dave Karofsky: Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!
Dave Karofsky: That right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're 30.
Dave Karofsky: Do not push me, Hummel.
Kurt Hummel: You going to hit me? Do it.
Dave Karofsky: Don't push me!
Kurt Hummel: Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Dave Karofsky: I said get out of my face!
Kurt Hummel: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!



Will Schuester: Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy because Coach Beiste has quit.
Finn Hudson: Wait, what? That's terrible.
Sam Evans: Yeah, that's not what we want.
Artie Abrams: That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning.
Will Schuester: Well, then, you'd better put your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.
Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?
Finn Hudson: No, no. It's us. The boys.
Mike Chang: And Tina.
Finn Hudson: We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower. I-I mean, I don't... ever.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
Santana Lopez: Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.
Principal Figgins: William. I need to see you and Noah Puckerman in my office, please.



Noah Puckerman: This is garbage! I've been doing my community service.
Joan Martin: When you wrote "hangin' with a crip" on your probation application, we thought you were going to do outreach with a local gang.
Noah Puckerman: But I've totally been helping Artie. I got him a date. I made him some sweet cash. Please, Mr. Schue, you've got to help me out here.
Will Schuester: Ms. Martin, there's got to be some way Puck can make up for this. He's been a model student since he got back.
Joan Martin: Three whole days worth. Impressive. Look, there are rules. If Mr. Puckerman doesn't find a suitable alternative for his community service by tomorrow, his probation will be revoked, and he'll have to go back to the Mondale School for the Boys.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, screw that. I am not going back there.
Principal Figgins: Mr. Puckerman, calm down!
Noah Puckerman: No, you calm down! All of you, calm down! I told you, I'm not going back there! What are you writing? Give me that.
Will Schuester: Puck, this isn't helping!
Noah Puckerman: Helping? Since when does any one of you care about helping me? None of you care about me!



Kurt Hummel: Thanks again for coming.
Blaine Anderson: Don't worry about it. Just let me do the talking.
Kurt Hummel: There he is.
Blaine Anderson: I got your back. Excuse me?
Dave Karofsky: Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.
Dave Karofsky: I gotta go to class.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt told me what you did.
Dave Karofsky: Oh yeah, what's that?
Kurt Hummel: You kissed me.
Dave Karofsky: I don't know what you're talking about.
Blaine Anderson: It seems like you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a... a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone.
Dave Karofsky: Do not mess with me.
Kurt Hummel: You have to stop this!
Blaine Anderson: Well, he's not coming out anytime soon. What's going on? Why are you so upset?
Kurt Hummel: Because up until yesterday, I had never been kissed. Or at least... one that counted.
Blaine Anderson: Come on. I'll buy you lunch.



Will Schuester: Didn't make you for a quitter.
Shannon Beiste: Don't, Will. You have no idea what it's like.
Will Schuester: For what it's worth... the kids feel awful. They like you. They respect you.
Shannon Beiste: Isn't that just what every girl wants to hear from a guy? Nah, screw this. I'll find my bliss somewhere else. I... I need a life change. You know, maybe I'll get a job as a cooler at a honky-tonk bar. I don't know, maybe an ice road trucker.
Will Schuester: Stop. Will you just stop? I get it. All of us are scarred by high school. You know, next to our parents, nothing screws a person up more. And-and people like us, we're stupid enough to come back here and relive that pain every day. Right?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. I'm not gay, you know. I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but... deep down inside where no one can see, I'm just a girl. A-Am I nuts that I just want to be reminded of that sometimes?
Will Schuester: Well, that's what dating is for.
Shannon Beiste: Last... date I went on, the guy was a freak. All he wanted to do was wrestle.
Will Schuester: Well, let me help you out, then. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out...
Shannon Beiste: No, there aren't. I'm kind of a specific type.
Will Schuester: Well, you got to put yourself out there, try online dating...
Shannon Beiste: I've never been kissed, Will. It's the simplest thing. A kiss. It's a doorway to everything else, you know? Promise, hope... of a future with someone. What does that say about me? I'm 40, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet.
Will Schuester: What that says to me... is that you are a beautiful... amazing woman... whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.
Shannon Beiste: You really think I'm pretty, Will?
Will Schuester: Inside and out. And now you've been kissed. Hey, come to the choir room tomorrow at 4:00. The guys want to apologize to you in person.
Shannon Beiste: You tricking me into a make-out session, Schuester?



Artie Abrams: I didn't see you in geometry today.
Noah Puckerman: Jackpot. No, you didn't. I'm getting out of here. I'm skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn't real community service, so if I don't spend the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway, they're gonna send me back to juvie.
Artie Abrams: So, what's wrong with picking up trash?
Noah Puckerman: Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude. I'm not a garbage man. You know how humiliating that is? I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to juvie.
Artie Abrams: Why? I thought you loved it there.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah? I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me, and before the security guards could pull them off, they'd already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass? There are some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families, guys who look at you like you're some kind of dog they can't wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles.
Artie Abrams: So... you be my community service.
Noah Puckerman: What?
Artie Abrams: I owe you— you got me a date with Brittany. You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so... let me tutor you in geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway. Geometry's easy, yo. There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B.
Noah Puckerman: I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.
Artie Abrams: Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.
Noah Puckerman: Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught, I'd be screwed.
Artie Abrams: You need to start hanging around someone who's a good influence on you, Puck. Give me six weeks, if you don't ace your geometry midterm, I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat.
Noah Puckerman: That's dope, dude. You got a deal.



Shannon Beiste: I don't get it. It's... boys against the girls, but... what's the winner get?
Finn Hudson: Uh, we were hoping for your forgiveness.
Sam Evans: Yeah. We just wanted to apologize for hurting your feelings.
Finn Hudson: Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome. And even though you're all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn't mean you're not the opposite on the inside.
Sam Evans: Like a chocolate turtle.
Finn Hudson: Totally. You're nougaty, and we totally get that now. You're like a mash-up.
Will Schuester: Why don't you guys just get to the song.
Artie Abrams: Totally. This mash-up is dedicated to you, Coach. Hard and badass on one hand, and... soft and girly on the other.
Noah Puckerman: We hope it makes you smile, 'cause when you smile, you're pretty, and it lights up the room. Seriously.
Finn Hudson: # Here we go! #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #
Artie Abrams: # I wear tight clothing #
# High-heel shoes #
# It doesn't mean that I'm a prostitute #
Noah Puckerman: # No, no #
# I like rap music #
# Wear hip-hop clothes #
# That doesn't mean that I'm out selling dope #
# No, no, no #
Boys of ND: # Ba-ba-ba #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got to learn how to see me #
# I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind, and the rest will follow #
Finn Hudson: # Think it over #
Noah Puckerman: # Be color-blind #
# Don't be so shallow #
Sam Evans: # I've known of your #
# Your secluded nights #
# I've even seen her maybe once or twice #
# But it's a sweet expression #
# Worth more than my love and affection #
Boys of ND: # Ah, ah, ah... #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got #
# To learn how to see me, I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #
# And the rest will follow #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh #
Noah Puckerman: # Be color-blind #
# Don't be so shallow #
Artie Abrams: # Don't break my heart #
Finn Hudson: # Stop #
Artie Abrams: # In the name of love #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #
Finn Hudson: # Stop #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, free your mind #
Boys of ND: # Ah, ah, ah... #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got to learn #
# How to see me, I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #
Finn Hudson: # Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
Boys of ND: # Oh, think it over #
# Free your mind #
# And the rest #
# Will stop! #
Shannon Beiste: That was really good. I liked it. Thank you.
Artie Abrams: Get over here! Come on.


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee. Puck tried to steal an ATM and got himself stuck in juvie.
Noah Puckerman: As far as badasses go, I'm number one.
Ian Brennan: Sam and Quinn are sort of a couple, and so are Mike and Tina. Artie and Brittany went out, but then he sort of dumped her, and now he sort of wants her back. Kurt's pretty lonely all by himself, and so is Coach Beiste. Sue keeps trying to get her to quit.
Shannon Beiste: Are those dog poop cookies?
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Sam Evans: Phew. Ooh.
Finn Hudson: Dude. How do you stand that cold tub?
Sam Evans: I'm used to cold showers dating Quinn.



Quinn Fabray: No.
Sam Evans: How about a little something-something?
Quinn Fabray: A little something-something always leads to something more. I've been there, remember? When we're prom king and queen, it will feel just as good as a little something-something.



Finn Hudson: Been there, dude. Actually, still there now, but how did we find the only two girls in high school that won't put out?
Sam Evans: What do you do, though?
Finn Hudson: Well, easy. I just think about the opposite of what I'm doing.



Carole Hudson: Oh, my God!



Sam Evans: I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before.
Finn Hudson: Well, you have to find something to be your own buzz kill. You know, something that is total not hot.
Shannon Beiste: I don't care! If you're on this football team, you'll wear a cup, no exceptions!
Finn Hudson: Hey, have you ever noticed that when the Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?
Shannon Beiste: ... in your groin with that helmet? You think The Nutcracker's just a musical?
Sam Evans: Looks like I've found my mailman.
Finn Hudson: Yes, you did.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I take it we have a lot of sweater trains to look forward to this season. Are you okay?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah. Fine.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, let's get down to business. First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman. Puck, I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.
Quinn Fabray: Wow, what a catch. Can't believe I ever let you go.
Will Schuester: And now, drum roll, Finn. Because I have in my hand our competition for Sectionals next month. First, the a capella choir from the all-boys' private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
Santana Lopez: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.
Will Schuester: And the other team to beat— The Hipsters, a first-year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.
Rachel Berry: Is that legal?
Mercedes Jones: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?
Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good-luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis.
Will Schuester: Moving on. Since it seemed to get you guys jazzed about Sectionals last year, I want to make this week our second annual Boys Versus Girls tournament. So, split up into two groups, and figure out what songs you're going to sing.
Rachel Berry: Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my head.
Will Schuester: Kurt, gonna say it again— boys' team.
Mercedes Jones: Okay, how about y'all...?
Sam Evans: I say we do a whole AC/DC. Like, the lead guitarist, like, drops his pants at every concert.
Finn Hudson: Mm-hmm, yeah.
Sam Evans: Pants here...



Artie Abrams: I know it's not my place to ask, but can you push me down the back staircase? My injuries should be the same, but it's more lightly populated, so the humiliation won't be as bad.
Noah Puckerman: Relax. I'm here to take care of you. You're my boy now.
Artie Abrams: I don't understand.
Noah Puckerman: I got out of juvie early because I agreed to do community service, but I ain't pickin' up trash along the freeway. That's ghetto. So I told my probie officer that I knew a cripple that needed some help. She went for it.
Artie Abrams: I'm your community service?
Noah Puckerman: There's no way I'm going back to juvie. There's no chicks and no kosher meal options up in that place.
Artie Abrams: Cool. So we're, like, friends.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, slow down, Professor X. I never said anything about liking you. Now shut up right quick. We're going to steal some food from the cafeteria. This chair's a great place for hiding stuff.



Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?!
Dave Karofsky: You talking back to me? You want a piece of The Fury?
Kurt Hummel: The Fury?
Dave Karofsky: That's what I named my fist.
Kurt Hummel: Well, with that level of creativity, you could easily become assistant manager at a rendering plant.
Dave Karofsky: I don't know what that is, but if I find out it's bad, The Fury's going to find you.



Will Schuester: Is there anything that I could do?
Kurt Hummel: No. This is my hill to climb alone.
Will Schuester: Can I be honest? I think it's getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back, but lately, you've been belligerent, angry, pushing people away.
Kurt Hummel: Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive. Boys Versus Girls? That doesn't challenge any of us.
Will Schuester: You mean, because I didn't let you join the girls like you wanted?
Kurt Hummel: To answer your question, yes, I'm unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down, but most of all, I'm not challenged in the least here.



Will Schuester: Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here.
Brittany S. Pierce: I've totally done that.
Will Schuester: We're just making an adjustment. Boys, you are now doing songs traditionally sung by girl groups. And girls, try some classic rock— uh, the Who, the Stones. The more opposite your choice, the more points you get.
Kurt Hummel: Don't worry, gentlemen. I have this one under control.



Kurt Hummel: Now, obviously, for this medley to work, I'm going to have to sing lead, and, of course, when you're singing Diana Ross, Bob Mackie-esque maribou feather boas are a must.
Artie Abrams: Isn't this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in a sequined gown and a feather boa is exactly what you'd expect.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, who said anything about a gown?
Noah Puckerman: Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful, and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the garglers?
Kurt Hummel: The Warblers.
Noah Puckerman: Whatever. See what they're up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You'll blend right in.
Kurt Hummel: Fine.



Quinn Fabray: Is this hot enough for you? Say my name, Sam. I said, say my name.



Shannon Beiste: I said, say my name.



Sam Evans: Beiste.
Quinn Fabray: Are you okay?
Sam Evans: Yeah. I could do this for hours.



Quinn Fabray: I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it: "Beiste." I think he was picturing making out with her.
Sue Sylvester: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.
Quinn Fabray: Coach, I need help. I've done everything I can to rehabilitate my image. I'm getting straight A's, dating the cutest guy at school.
Sue Sylvester: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear God, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. Do you know what kind of disgusting images I'm going to have to look at to get this out of my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.
Quinn Fabray: Coach, I really don't know what to do.
Sue Sylvester: Wait. This may be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.
Quinn Fabray: What do I have to do?
Sue Sylvester: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this, make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud and in public. Show him who's the boss. Oh, man. Now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episode of Who's the Boss?



Artie Abrams: Shouldn't you be studying geometry? Aren't you failing?
Noah Puckerman: One thing I learned in juvie? Cash is king. Lets people know we're not doing it for free.
Artie Abrams: Wait, you think people are going to pay us to sing? I don't think busking is allowed in school.
Noah Puckerman: Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair.
Artie Abrams: This is so, so badass. I've never broken the rules like this.
Noah Puckerman: # One love #
# One heart #
# Let's get together and feel all right #
Artie Abrams: # Hear the children crying #
Noah Puckerman: # One love #
Artie Abrams: # Hear the children crying #
Noah Puckerman: # One heart #
Artie & Noah: # Sayin' give thanks and praise #
# To the Lord and I will feel all right #
Noah Puckerman: # Sayin' #
Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right #
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa #
Artie Abrams: # Let them all pass all their dirty remarks #
# There is one question I'd really love to ask #
Noah Puckerman: # One heart #
# Is there a place for the hopeless sinner #
# Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own? #
Artie Abrams: # Believe me #
# One love #
Noah Puckerman: # What about the one heart? #
Artie Abrams: # One heart #
Noah Puckerman: # What about love? #
Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right #
Artie Abrams: # As it was in the beginning #
Noah Puckerman: # One love #
Artie Abrams: # So shall it be in the end #
Noah Puckerman: # One heart #
Artie Abrams: # All right #
Noah Puckerman: # Give thanks and praise to the Lord #
Artie Abrams: # Oh #
Artie & Noah: # And I will feel all right #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah #
Artie & Noah: # Let's get together and feel all right. #
Artie Abrams: Holy crap, there's, like, 300 bucks in here.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear.
Artie Abrams: I can. It's about 300 bucks. What are we going to do with it?
Noah Puckerman: Buy a butt load of clove cigarettes, then I don't know. You want her? You don't need any cash for that. She's free.
Artie Abrams: She was my first. Now I-I think I want her back.
Noah Puckerman: So go get her.
Artie Abrams: It's not that simple. I was kind of mean to her when I blew her off.
Noah Puckerman: This is perfect. The thing about chicks is you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them to get them to like you again.
Artie Abrams: So what do we do?
Noah Puckerman: Here's a little community service coming at you. You and I are gonna take this dough and go on a double date with Santana and Brittany to the Styx.
Artie & Noah: Yeah!
Noah Puckerman: Best community servicer ever, right?



Kurt Hummel: Excuse me. Um, hi. Can I ask you a question? I'm new here.
Blaine Anderson: My name's Blaine.
Kurt Hummel: Kurt. So, what exactly is going on?
Blaine Anderson: The Warblers. Every now and then they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons. It tends to shut the school down for a while.
Kurt Hummel: So, wait, the glee club here is kind of cool?
Blaine Anderson: The Warblers are like rock stars. Come on. I know a shortcut.



Kurt Hummel: Oh, I stick out like a sore thumb.
Blaine Anderson: Well, next time don't forget your jacket, new kid. You'll fit right in. Now, if you'll excuse me.
# Before you met me #
# I was all right #
# But things were kind of heavy #
# You brought me to life #
# Now every February #
# You'll be my Valentine #
# Valentine #
# Let's go all #
# The way tonight #
# No regrets #
The Warblers: # Ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Just love #
# We can dance #
# Until we die, you and I #
# Will be young forever #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream #
# The way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep #
# Let's run away #
# And don't ever look back #
# Don't every look #
# Let's go #
# All the way #
# Tonight #
# No regrets #
# Just love #
# We can dance #
# Until we die #
# You and I #
# Will be young forever #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream, the way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep, let's run away #
# And don't ever look back #
# Don't ever look, I'm gonna get #
# Your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ah... #
# Ooh, ooh #
# Ooh... #
# Ah... #
# Ah, ah #
Blaine Anderson: # Yeah...! #
# You make me #
# Feel like I'm living a #
# Teenage dream #
# The way you turn me on #
# I can't sleep #
# Let's run away and don't #
# Ever look back #
# Don't ever look back #
# My heart #
# Stops when you look at me #
# Just one touch, now, baby #
# I believe #
# This is real #
# So take a chance and don't ever look back #
# Don't ever look back #
# I'm gonna get your #
# Heart racing in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight #
# Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans #
# Be your teenage dream tonight. #



Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait. That's hilarious. Picturing Beiste helps cool you off?
Mike Chang: That's what Sam said.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Really? Well, then let's get a room. I love making out under the stars. With those abs, you could be my very own situation.
Mike Chang: Slow down. Can't get caught in here. We should probably cool off.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But I'm so turned on right now.



Shannon Beiste: This'll cool you down a little bit.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Beiste.
Mike Chang: What did you say?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Nothing. I got to go. I'll see you in Glee Club.
Mike Chang: Beiste?



Quinn Fabray: Just be honest with me— I won't get mad at you if you tell me the truth. I'll be relieved.
Sam Evans: Really? Because it looks like you're gonna be mad no matter what I say.
Quinn Fabray: You said another woman's name while you were kissing me. Look, I get it— she's in a position of power over you, which can be exciting, and you clearly like women who give you a hard time.
Sam Evans: I'm not cheating on you with my football coach. Look, can we talk about this in private?
Quinn Fabray: Why, am I embarrassing you?
Sam Evans: It's not what you think.
Quinn Fabray: What I think is that I'm not putting out for you, so you're getting it wherever you can, including the locker room with the Beiste.
Shannon Beiste: What's this?
Quinn Fabray: This is a lovers quarrel and is your fault.
Shannon Beiste: Watch your tone with me, missy. You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off.
Quinn Fabray: I'll leave you two.
Will Schuester: Everything okay?
Mike Chang: Stay away from my woman.
Shannon Beiste: What hell's going on around here?
Will Schuester: What's going on, Sam?



Will Schuester: How many of the guys have done this?
Sam Evans: All the guys whose girlfriends won't put out.
Mike Chang: It's the girls, too.
Will Schuester: This is really bad, guys. What if Coach Beiste were to find out about it? Think about how hurt she'd be.
Sam Evans: It's not personal.
Will Schuester: Of course it's personal! Look, Coach Beiste is like us, like Glee Club— she's an outsider at this school. No one appreciates her or her talent, because they've decided that she's too different. And for you guys to abuse that, even in private, is the opposite of everything we're trying to achieve in here.
Sam Evans: But we're just thinking about it, it's not like we're actually, you know, making fun of her to her face.
Will Schuester: I need you to stop. And spread the word to all the other Glee guys. And girls. This ends here and now. And Coach Beiste can never know about this.
Sam Evans: Okay.
Mike Chang: Sorry.



Blaine Anderson: Latte?
Kurt Hummel: Thank you.
Blaine Anderson: This is Wes and David.
Kurt Hummel: It's very civilized for you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.
Wesley Montgomery: We are not going to beat you up.
David Thompson: You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of... endearing.
Blaine Anderson: Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came.
Kurt Hummel: Can I ask you guys a question? Are you guys all gay?
Blaine Anderson: Uh, uh, no. I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends.
David Thompson: This is not a gay school. We just have a zero-tolerance harassment policy.
Wesley Montgomery: Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple.
Blaine Anderson: Would you guys excuse us?
Wesley Montgomery: Yeah. Take it easy, Kurt.
Blaine Anderson: I take it you're having trouble at school.
Kurt Hummel: I'm the only person out of the closet at my school. And I-I... I tried to stay strong about it, but... there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell. And nobody seems to notice.
Blaine Anderson: I know how you feel. I got taunted at my old school, and it really... pissed me off. I even complained about it to the faculty, and they were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that... nobody really cared. It was, like, "Hey, if you're gay, your life's just gonna be miserable. Sorry. Nothing we can do about it." So I left, and I came here. Simple as that. So you have two options. I mean, I'd love to tell you to just come enroll here, but tuition at Dalton's sort of steep, and I know that's not an option for everybody. Or... you can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt, and you have a chance right now to teach him.
Kurt Hummel: How?
Blaine Anderson: Confront him. Call him out. I ran... Kurt. I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away, and it is something that I really... really regret.



Mercedes Jones: The boys beat us the last time we competed against them. We've got to bring the noise hard this time.
Quinn Fabray: To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for vitamin D possession before the vote.
Santana Lopez: Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now.
Rachel Berry: The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite or what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing those sequins on backwards. Spies!
Noah Puckerman: Lighten up— we're here to talk to Santana and Brittany. Remember, don't trust your instincts.
Santana Lopez: Hmm. So, how does it feel to be a free man?
Artie Abrams: All I can say is that I don't want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany, since I'm not in love with her.
Brittany S. Pierce: Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?
Noah Puckerman: Not really.
Santana Lopez: Oh.
Noah Puckerman: Tell you what, you two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00. If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.
Santana Lopez: You are totally cool.
Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
Artie Abrams: I can't believe it. You're a genius.



Shannon Beiste: Hey, Will, can I talk to you for a second?
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Shannon Beiste: What's going on with your Glee Club kids? They've been mouthing off to me. One of them even said to stay away from their girl? I-I don't get it. You know, I'm the coach here, Will, and if the students here don't respect me... pfft, I can't do my job.
Will Schuester: Well, Coach... I... I don't know what to tell you.
Shannon Beiste: Will, please, be straight with me. You're the only person at this school I trust. Please.
Will Schuester: Why don't you have a seat? Uh... Th-Th-This is really awful, and I don't want you to take it personally. I mean, they're just kids. You-you know how they can be.
Shannon Beiste: Just-just tell me.
Will Schuester: I-I guess... it's... become sort of a-a thing, that... when the kids are making out, and... th-th-they sort of want to... cool off a little... They think of you. In compromising positions.
Shannon Beiste: Like what?
Will Schuester: Like... in lingerie... Oh... Coach, don't take it personally.
Shannon Beiste: I do take it personally, Will. I take it very, very personally.
Will Schuester: No. Sh-Shannon. Shannon, wait.



Noah Puckerman: So there I was. At juvie. In the breakfast line in the mess hall. When I notice me and this guy behind me going for the same waffle. This guy's 6'11", 300, easy. He's got his teeth filed into canines. Tats everywhere. Oh, it gets better. So I turn around. I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy... "L'eggo my Eggo." And you know what he does? He lets go of my Eggo.
Artie Abrams: Right.
Santana Lopez: You should be our nation's president.
Noah Puckerman: Maybe.
Brittany S. Pierce: I've been squeezing your leg for, like, the last hour and a half. Are you not attracted to me?
Artie Abrams: Sorry. I was really distracted by our waitress. She's totally into me.
Waitress Sandy: I can take that when you're ready.
Artie Abrams: Thank you.
Noah Puckerman: All right, guys. Let's move. This meal has been comped.
Artie Abrams: What?
Noah Puckerman: Dude, I don't pay for food. It's my thing, yo. So we're going to dine and dash. Let's go.
Waitress Sandy: Do you need any change?
Artie Abrams: Keep it. Thanks.
Noah Puckerman: What the hell was that about?
Artie Abrams: Sorry. I couldn't do it. She gave us free refills. And I figure she's got kids. I'm not gonna do that to her.
Noah Puckerman: Whatever, dude. You wussed out. So have fun taking the short bus home, 'cause I'll be escorting these lovely ladies back to Chez Puckerman for a little sookie-sookie.
Artie Abrams: Wait, seriously?
Noah Puckerman: Damn straight. I'm giving you all my trade secrets here. If you don't want my help, then fine. You're on your own.



Mercedes Jones: # Start me up #
# Start me up #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, Tommy used to work on the docks #
# Union's been on strike #
# He's down on his luck, it's tough #
# Oh, so tough #
Tina & Rachel: # Oh, we got to hold on, ready or not #
Rachel Berry: # You live for the fight when that's all that you've got #
# Start me up #
# We're halfway there #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #
Mercedes Jones: # If you start me up #
Girls of ND: # Ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # Kick on the starter #
# Give it all you've got #
# You gotta, you gotta #
# I can't compete #
Girls of ND: # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh #
Mercedes Jones: # With the riders in the other heat #
# Yeah, yeah #
Mercedes & Santana: # I'll make a grown man cry #
# I'll make a grown man give it a shot #
# Start me up #
# We're halfway there #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # Living on a prayer #
Tina & Rachel: # Oh, we gotta hold on, ready or not #
Rachel Berry: # You live for the fight when that's all that you've got #
# Oh, we're halfway there #
Mercedes Jones: # We're halfway there #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, living on a prayer #
Mercedes Jones: # Living on a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear #
Mercedes Jones: # Whoa, we're living on a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # Living on a prayer #
Girls of ND: # You gotta start me up #
Will Schuester: Ladies, very, very impressive. What was it that made you guys choose those songs?
Rachel Berry: Well...
Becky Jackson: Coach said to give you this.



Sue Sylvester: Take a good look, William. Because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left, I have one confetti cannon. To my right, you'll find another confetti cannon. You know what that means?
Will Schuester: No, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: We got Beiste fired. And my full budget is restored.
Will Schuester: Wait, what?
Sue Sylvester: Well, actually she quit. But I'll take the W. And it was your kids that made it happen, Will. It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead? They just got mean. Congratulations, Will.
Will Schuester: Wait, Coach Beiste quit?
Sue Sylvester: I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And, now, if you'll excuse me... And if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up, that'd be great.



Kurt Hummel: Hey! I am talking to you!
Dave Karofsky: Girls' locker room is next door.
Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?
Dave Karofsky: Excuse me?
Kurt Hummel: What are you so scared of?
Dave Karofsky: Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!
Dave Karofsky: That right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're 30.
Dave Karofsky: Do not push me, Hummel.
Kurt Hummel: You going to hit me? Do it.
Dave Karofsky: Don't push me!
Kurt Hummel: Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Dave Karofsky: I said get out of my face!
Kurt Hummel: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!



Will Schuester: Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy because Coach Beiste has quit.
Finn Hudson: Wait, what? That's terrible.
Sam Evans: Yeah, that's not what we want.
Artie Abrams: That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning.
Will Schuester: Well, then, you'd better put your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.
Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?
Finn Hudson: No, no. It's us. The boys.
Mike Chang: And Tina.
Finn Hudson: We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower. I-I mean, I don't... ever.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
Santana Lopez: Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.
Principal Figgins: William. I need to see you and Noah Puckerman in my office, please.



Noah Puckerman: This is garbage! I've been doing my community service.
Joan Martin: When you wrote "hangin' with a crip" on your probation application, we thought you were going to do outreach with a local gang.
Noah Puckerman: But I've totally been helping Artie. I got him a date. I made him some sweet cash. Please, Mr. Schue, you've got to help me out here.
Will Schuester: Ms. Martin, there's got to be some way Puck can make up for this. He's been a model student since he got back.
Joan Martin: Three whole days worth. Impressive. Look, there are rules. If Mr. Puckerman doesn't find a suitable alternative for his community service by tomorrow, his probation will be revoked, and he'll have to go back to the Mondale School for the Boys.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, screw that. I am not going back there.
Principal Figgins: Mr. Puckerman, calm down!
Noah Puckerman: No, you calm down! All of you, calm down! I told you, I'm not going back there! What are you writing? Give me that.
Will Schuester: Puck, this isn't helping!
Noah Puckerman: Helping? Since when does any one of you care about helping me? None of you care about me!



Kurt Hummel: Thanks again for coming.
Blaine Anderson: Don't worry about it. Just let me do the talking.
Kurt Hummel: There he is.
Blaine Anderson: I got your back. Excuse me?
Dave Karofsky: Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.
Dave Karofsky: I gotta go to class.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt told me what you did.
Dave Karofsky: Oh yeah, what's that?
Kurt Hummel: You kissed me.
Dave Karofsky: I don't know what you're talking about.
Blaine Anderson: It seems like you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a... a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone.
Dave Karofsky: Do not mess with me.
Kurt Hummel: You have to stop this!
Blaine Anderson: Well, he's not coming out anytime soon. What's going on? Why are you so upset?
Kurt Hummel: Because up until yesterday, I had never been kissed. Or at least... one that counted.
Blaine Anderson: Come on. I'll buy you lunch.



Will Schuester: Didn't make you for a quitter.
Shannon Beiste: Don't, Will. You have no idea what it's like.
Will Schuester: For what it's worth... the kids feel awful. They like you. They respect you.
Shannon Beiste: Isn't that just what every girl wants to hear from a guy? Nah, screw this. I'll find my bliss somewhere else. I... I need a life change. You know, maybe I'll get a job as a cooler at a honky-tonk bar. I don't know, maybe an ice road trucker.
Will Schuester: Stop. Will you just stop? I get it. All of us are scarred by high school. You know, next to our parents, nothing screws a person up more. And-and people like us, we're stupid enough to come back here and relive that pain every day. Right?
Shannon Beiste: Yeah. I'm not gay, you know. I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but... deep down inside where no one can see, I'm just a girl. A-Am I nuts that I just want to be reminded of that sometimes?
Will Schuester: Well, that's what dating is for.
Shannon Beiste: Last... date I went on, the guy was a freak. All he wanted to do was wrestle.
Will Schuester: Well, let me help you out, then. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out...
Shannon Beiste: No, there aren't. I'm kind of a specific type.
Will Schuester: Well, you got to put yourself out there, try online dating...
Shannon Beiste: I've never been kissed, Will. It's the simplest thing. A kiss. It's a doorway to everything else, you know? Promise, hope... of a future with someone. What does that say about me? I'm 40, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet.
Will Schuester: What that says to me... is that you are a beautiful... amazing woman... whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.
Shannon Beiste: You really think I'm pretty, Will?
Will Schuester: Inside and out. And now you've been kissed. Hey, come to the choir room tomorrow at 4:00. The guys want to apologize to you in person.
Shannon Beiste: You tricking me into a make-out session, Schuester?



Artie Abrams: I didn't see you in geometry today.
Noah Puckerman: Jackpot. No, you didn't. I'm getting out of here. I'm skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn't real community service, so if I don't spend the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway, they're gonna send me back to juvie.
Artie Abrams: So, what's wrong with picking up trash?
Noah Puckerman: Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude. I'm not a garbage man. You know how humiliating that is? I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to juvie.
Artie Abrams: Why? I thought you loved it there.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah? I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me, and before the security guards could pull them off, they'd already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass? There are some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families, guys who look at you like you're some kind of dog they can't wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles.
Artie Abrams: So... you be my community service.
Noah Puckerman: What?
Artie Abrams: I owe you— you got me a date with Brittany. You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so... let me tutor you in geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway. Geometry's easy, yo. There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B.
Noah Puckerman: I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.
Artie Abrams: Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.
Noah Puckerman: Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught, I'd be screwed.
Artie Abrams: You need to start hanging around someone who's a good influence on you, Puck. Give me six weeks, if you don't ace your geometry midterm, I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat.
Noah Puckerman: That's dope, dude. You got a deal.



Shannon Beiste: I don't get it. It's... boys against the girls, but... what's the winner get?
Finn Hudson: Uh, we were hoping for your forgiveness.
Sam Evans: Yeah. We just wanted to apologize for hurting your feelings.
Finn Hudson: Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome. And even though you're all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn't mean you're not the opposite on the inside.
Sam Evans: Like a chocolate turtle.
Finn Hudson: Totally. You're nougaty, and we totally get that now. You're like a mash-up.
Will Schuester: Why don't you guys just get to the song.
Artie Abrams: Totally. This mash-up is dedicated to you, Coach. Hard and badass on one hand, and... soft and girly on the other.
Noah Puckerman: We hope it makes you smile, 'cause when you smile, you're pretty, and it lights up the room. Seriously.
Finn Hudson: # Here we go! #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #
Artie Abrams: # I wear tight clothing #
# High-heel shoes #
# It doesn't mean that I'm a prostitute #
Noah Puckerman: # No, no #
# I like rap music #
# Wear hip-hop clothes #
# That doesn't mean that I'm out selling dope #
# No, no, no #
Boys of ND: # Ba-ba-ba #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got to learn how to see me #
# I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind, and the rest will follow #
Finn Hudson: # Think it over #
Noah Puckerman: # Be color-blind #
# Don't be so shallow #
Sam Evans: # I've known of your #
# Your secluded nights #
# I've even seen her maybe once or twice #
# But it's a sweet expression #
# Worth more than my love and affection #
Boys of ND: # Ah, ah, ah... #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got #
# To learn how to see me, I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
# Think it over #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #
# And the rest will follow #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh #
Noah Puckerman: # Be color-blind #
# Don't be so shallow #
Artie Abrams: # Don't break my heart #
Finn Hudson: # Stop #
Artie Abrams: # In the name of love #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #
Finn Hudson: # Stop #
Artie Abrams: # Oh, free your mind #
Boys of ND: # Ah, ah, ah... #
# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
Finn Hudson: # Before you can meet me, you've got to learn #
# How to see me, I said #
# Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
Noah Puckerman: # Free your mind #
Finn Hudson: # Stop, in the name of love #
# Before you break my heart #
Boys of ND: # Oh, think it over #
# Free your mind #
# And the rest #
# Will stop! #
Shannon Beiste: That was really good. I liked it. Thank you.
Artie Abrams: Get over here! Come on.
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207. The Substitute

放送日:2010年11月16日


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee. Will's wife put the "terri" in "terrible relationship," so now she's his ex-wife.
Terri Schuester: What is wrong with you?
Ian Brennan: Kurt met this kid Blaine who he really likes and he seems really nice, but he sings in the Glee Club at another school. They're called the warblers.
Blaine Anderson: The warblers are like rock stars.
Ian Brennan: Kurt isn't liking his own school at all, because Karofsky's been coming after him, and nobody knows why.
Kurt Hummel: You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you.
Ian Brennan: Well, Kurt knows why, but he hasn't told anyone. And that's what you missed on... Glee!



Will Schuester: Morning, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's principal Sue.
Will Schuester: What?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.
Will Schuester: Wait, what happened to Figgins?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club.
Will Schuester: How... how did Figgins get it?



Principal Figgins: And that's what it means to be an American.
Lauren Zizes: I think I have a fever.
Sue Sylvester: Can it. Now.
Lauren Zizes: 'Sup?



Will Schuester: So Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?
Sue Sylvester: Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: I... I thought we were friends.
Sue Sylvester: That got boring.



Will Schuester: Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher: Constant exposure to illness. All right, guys, um... Time to start thinking about song selections. I mean, I feel like I might have a fever, but it's important that I power through it. Okay. I definitely have a fever.
Santana Lopez: Lookin' good, Puckerman. Someone's been eating their wheaties.
Noah Puckerman: These guns are fully loaded.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue? I, for one, think we should use our set list for sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters.
Brittany S. Pierce: Someday, I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.
Mike Chang: I just want to dance.
Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schuester, you look a little green.
Will Schuester: Um... I think I'm gonna go see the nurse. But first I feel like I should get you guys a sitter.



TV: At this point, it would be a good idea to add any of your aromatics, like... We're going to cover the pan until the clams open up...
Will Schuester: I can take care of myself.
Terri Del Monico: Is that why Mrs. Weiss called me from next door? Because, according to her, she's here morning and night. Lift your head up.
Will Schuester: You're making me feel worse.
Terri Del Monico: Oh, honey. I'm probably revealing too much, but I do still love you. And you have to admit, no matter how toxic our marriage was, I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick.
Will Schuester: That's because you like me best when I'm weak.
Terri Del Monico: Maybe. I mean, that's what my therapist says.
Will Schuester: You're seeing a therapist?
Terri Del Monico: And I'm medicating, too. Now roll over, and pull your pants down, - because we're gonna take baby's temperature.
Will Schuester: No.
Terri Del Monico: But baby knows it's the only way that we can get an accurate reading.
Will Schuester: Stop, Terri. I don't want to play sick baby with you. Now, get out of here. What are you doing?
Terri Del Monico: Singin' in the rain. We were together 16 years. You think I don't remember what movie makes you feel better when you're sick?
TV: Then they're not good, so don't eat those. Just go ahead and discard those. And that is how you steam clams.



Kurt Hummel: I'm shaking. And it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.



Rachel Berry: Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals.
Santana Lopez: All right, you know what? Let me at her!



Mercedes Jones: We'll forget all about it tonight at bowling.
Kurt Hummel: I can't. Blaine asked me to hang out.
Mercedes Jones: I've been looking forward to it all week. Wait. Are you two going out? Because I think you need to come clean.
Kurt Hummel: What? No. I don't want another Jessie... Rachel traitor scenario to overcome. Please, Mercedes. Mum's the word.
Mercedes Jones: We'd be happy for you. I mean, we know how lonely you've been.
Kurt Hummel: All right, we just hang out. Nothing about Glee club even ever comes up. It's just nice to have someone to talk to.
Mercedes Jones: What is that supposed to mean?
Kurt Hummel: I mean, someone like me. But I promise to make it up to you. We'll hang out Friday night.
Mercedes Jones: Excuse you. Whoa, whoa. A couple more. Thanks. So what are we going to do about Glee Club while Mr. Schue is sick?
Kurt Hummel: I have an idea. Have you met the new Spanish teacher?



Holly Holliday: It's not easy being a substitute teacher. Kids feel like they get the day off. They'll goof off, egg your car, cut class, break into your car, throw spitballs, put an alligator in your car... And I don't even have a nice car. Lindsay Lohan está bien loca, ¿no? ¡Repitan! So I try to relate to the kids, listen to what they have to say, make it fun for them. No, repitan otra vez, con más energía.
Students: Lindsay Lohan está bien loca, ¿no?
Holly Holliday: Because I'm the cure for the common class. ¡Muy bien! ¿Cuántas veces ha asistido Lindsay Lohan a rehabilitación? Cinco veces, ¡Cinco!
Kurt Hummel: Excuse me, Miss Holliday? A word?
Holly Holliday: Favor de ponerse en grupos para discutir cuántas veces se ha puesto Lindsay Lohan en rehabilitación.
Kurt Hummel: I understand that you are subbing for Mr. Schuester's Spanish class, and I was wondering if you might not want to take over his Glee Club duties, as well.
Holly Holliday: What makes you think I know the first thing about Glee Club?
Kurt Hummel: You subbed for my English class last week. And you were extraordinary.



English Class Students: # Conjunction junction, what's your function #
Holly Holliday: # Hooking up words and phrases and clauses #
English Class Students: # Conjunction junction, what's your function #
Holly Holliday: # Hooking up cars and making 'em function #
English Class Students: # Conjunction junction... #
Stoner Brett: Are you on anything? 'Cause this is trippy.
Kurt Hummel: You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.



Kurt Hummel: Miss Holliday, we are floundering. Won't you please take over Glee Club?
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.
Kurt Hummel: Yay! Muchas gracias.



Finn Hudson: Dude, what are you doing?
Noah Puckerman: Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor.
Finn Hudson: But sectionals is, like, two weeks from now.
Artie Abrams: Hey, Gigantor. We're all gonna swap names, yo.
Rachel Berry: Um, did I hear something about a substitute?
Noah Puckerman: Yes! It works!
Rachel Berry: Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine.
Artie Abrams: Oh, what the hell?
Holly Holliday: Hola, clase. Nothing says "bienvenidos" quite like a buttered floor. Let's start with some introductions. My name is holly Holliday. What's yours? Go.
Noah Puckerman: I'm Finn Hudson. I'm quarterback of the football team.
Santana Lopez: I'm Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm Mike Chang.
Holly Holliday: Those aren't your names. You know why I know that?
Brittany S. Pierce: You're psychic?
Holly Holliday: I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at regionals, where you came in last. Maybe it's because the songs were about 30 years old, but...
Finn Hudson: Those songs are classics.
Holly Holliday: Those songs are amazing. But they sounded like somebody else's favorite songs. Not yours. Just sayin'.
Brittany S. Pierce: She speaks the truth.
Holly Holliday: I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher. I want you guys to do things that you want to do. I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together. What do you say we have class outside today?
Mercedes Jones: It's raining outside.
Holly Holliday: Well, then let's take a field trip to taco bell.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, yeah!
Holly Holliday: Should we toke up some medical-grade marijuana? I wish.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes!
Finn Hudson: It's really hard not to like this woman.
Rachel Berry: Okay, no. We can't just goof off all day. We have to write a set list for sectionals.
Holly Holliday: You're right. What songs would you like to do? Oh. Don't get asked that question much, do we?
Kurt Hummel: Ms. Holliday is right. Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes seems like he hasn't listened to the radio since the '80s.
Noah Puckerman: He never listens to what I have to say.



Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue, can we do that new Cee-Lo song, "Forget You"?
Will Schuester: Uh, no. Come on, guys, there's got to be a Journey song we haven't done yet.



Holly Holliday: Cee-Lo! That's what I'm talking about.
Santana Lopez: Snap. Okay, excuse me? What would you know about Cee-Lo? 'Cause you're like, 40.
Holly Holliday: Top 40, sweet cheeks. Hit it!
# I see you driving 'round town #
# With the guy I love, and I'm like "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket #
# Wasn't enough #
# I'm like, "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Holly Holliday: # And yeah, I'm sorry #
# I can't afford a Ferrari #
# But that don't mean I can't get you there #
# I guess she's an Xbox #
# And I'm more an atari #
# Mmm, but the way you play your game ain't fair #
# I pity the fool #
# That falls in love with you #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, she's a gold digger #
Holly Holliday: # Well... #
Unholy Trinity: # Just thought you should know #
Holly Holliday: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# I got some news for you #
# Yeah, go run and tell your little girlfriend #
# I see you driving 'round town with the guy I love #
# And I'm like, "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough #
# I'm like, "forget you and forget him, too!" #
# Said if I was richer #
# I'd still be with ya #
# Huh, now ain't that some shhhh? #
Unholy Trinity: # Ain't that some shhhh? #
Holly Holliday: # Although this pain's in my chest #
# I still wish you the best with a "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Mercedes & Artie: # Now, baby, baby, baby #
# Why'd you wanna wanna hurt me so bad #
New Directions: # So bad, so bad, so bad #
Mercedes & Artie: # I tried to tell my mama #
# But she told me, "this is one for your dad" #
New Directions: # Your dad #
Mercedes Jones: # Yes, she did #
Artie Abrams: # Yes, she did #
New Directions: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # Why #
New Directions: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # Why #
New Directions: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # Why, baby, baby #
Unholy Trinity: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # I love you #
# I still love you #
Santana Lopez: # Hey! #
Holly Holliday: # I see you driving 'round town with the guy I love #
# And I'm like, "forget you!" #
Santana Lopez: # Forget you, yeah #
Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough #
Santana Lopez: # Uuh #
Holly Holliday: # I'm like, "forget you, and forget him, too!" #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #
Holly Holliday: # I said, if I was richer #
# I'd still be with ya #
Santana Lopez: # Yeah you! #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, now ain't that some shhhh? #
# Although there's pain in my chest #
# I still wish you the best #
Santana Lopez: # Wish you the best #
Holly Holliday: # With a "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh-hoo, hoo, hoo. #
Holly Holliday: Let's go get some tacos!
New Directions: Yeah!
Holly Holliday: Yes!



Shannon Beiste: This is not up for discussion, fellas. You do not spray athlete's foot medicine in your teammates' eyes. Come on! Can I help you, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Principal Sue, and I'm here to inform you that effective 4:00 P.M. today... the football team is officially... disbanded.
Shannon Beiste: Well, if you're cutting the football team, who are your cheerios going to cheer for?
Sue Sylvester: I will get back to you on all of this later.
Shannon Beiste: No.



Sue Sylvester: Humiliation. Bested by the beiste, less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all chairs in the school with sharp poles was thwarted... a resounding defeat in my war against sitting. Reality is, I'm a champion, and once I get power, I do not let it go. I need a cause. That's it. Becky, get your Fanny in here, and bring your pad.
Becky Jackson: Yes, coach?
Sue Sylvester: Becky, take a memo. I'm banning po-tater tots.
Becky Jackson: Outstanding.



Mike Chang: Mr. Schue, I'm so glad you're better. We can't win sectionals without you.
Will Schuester: Mike, I know. Now, I'm gonna run through a number here, and after a bit, I want you to join in, got it?
Mike Chang: Got it.
Will Schuester: All right. Though the world is full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as... But are we? No. Definitely no. Positively no. Decidedly no. Uh-uh! Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all! And in the words of that immortal God, Samuel J. Snodgrass, as he was about to be lead to the guillotine...
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# My dad said, "be an actor, my son" #
# "But be a comical one" #
# "They'll be standing in lines" #
# "For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines" #
# And you can charm the critics and have nothin' to eat #
# Just slip on a banana peel, the world's at your feet #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em... make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# My grandpa said, "go out and tell 'em a joke" #
# "But give it plenty of hoke" #
# Make 'em roar, make 'em scream #
# Take a fall, butt a wall, split a seam #
# You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace #
# You wiggle till they're giggling all over the place #
# And then you get a great big custard pie in the face #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, #
# make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... #
# Make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh #
# Make em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh!#



Will Schuester: I don't understand who gave her the authority to take over Glee Club. What?
Rachel Berry: I was doing a fine job of running Glee in your absence, and then Kurt, jealous, asked her to take over.
Will Schuester: I'm not too worried about it, Rachel. I really appreciate your concern, but... I'm not worried about someone coming in and usurping me. You kids love me.
Rachel Berry: Sue doesn't.



Sue Sylvester: You know what's so nice, is having someone fun at this school. Mm. We're back.
Holly Holliday: Okay.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, hoarders is great, but...
Sue & Holly: Animal hoarders is better.
Holly Holliday: Hoarders and red wine. I'm buzzed!



Rachel Berry: You have to get well, Mr. Schuester, because every day you're here, she's there, and it becomes more and more likely that she's going to start running the Glee Club, and you're going to become the substitute.



Mercedes Jones: Oh, we have to get there early on Friday. It's league night for little people, and they'll buy up all the small shoes if they get there first.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, I totally forgot. Greg Evigan is starring in rent at the community playhouse, and Blaine got us tickets.
Mercedes Jones: "Us" as in all of us?
Kurt Hummel: I think he could only score two.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. Where do you think you're going with those?
Santana Lopez: Principal Sue banned the tots.
Mercedes Jones: She can't do that!
Mercedes Jones: They look like deep-fried deer poop.
Santana Lopez: Take it up with principal Sue.
Kurt Hummel: We'll get you some-some...
Mercedes Jones: Ugh!
Kurt Hummel: Okay.



Mercedes Jones: Why did you take away our tots?
Becky Jackson: You don't have an appointment.
Sue Sylvester: Jackee, I am like my idol, Richard Millhouse Nixon. Regarded in his time as petty, corrupt and venal, he actually always had the best interests of his people in mind. And also like Richard Nixon, I'm obliged to inform you that this conversation is being recorded.
Mercedes Jones: I want my tots.
Sue Sylvester: Nutrition is abysmal at this school. You know what this is?
Mercedes Jones: Toilet brush.
Sue Sylvester: It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.
Mercedes Jones: I'm getting my tots back.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, that can't happen again. Keep 'em out.
Becky Jackson: Roger that. Thank you, coach.



Holly Holliday: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Hello, miss Holliday. I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttocks from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.
Holly Holliday: Rachel, you suck. Oh, my God, you're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?
Noah Puckerman: I have.
Holly Holliday: Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later. It is so boring in there.
Noah Puckerman: Thanks, miss H.
Holly Holliday: Righteous.
Rachel Berry: You know what? Maybe I should be more like you. All fun, and just forget about the consequences.
Holly Holliday: Well, frankly, yes, you should. I mean, at least sometimes. When was the last time that you did something just because you thought it would be a blast? Take Glee Club. I mean, you have all these great ideas. When is the last time you actually did one of them?
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue can be a little tight-fisted with song selection, but I would like to do something a little bit more upbeat and glamorous with a good dance beat.
Holly Holliday: Sounds reasonable to me. Have you asked?



Rachel Berry: Mr. Shuster, I want to do more of an upbeat, glamorous song with a really good dance beat.
Will Schuester: No, but I have good news. I found a Journey song we haven't done yet.



Holly Holliday: Rachel, I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.
Rachel Berry: What happened?
Holly Holliday: I got punched in the face. Anyway, why don't you let me know the name of this upbeat, glamorous song with the nice dance beat, because, hot stuff, you are doing it in Glee Club.
Rachel Berry: I kind of need a partner to do the song I wanted.
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask. That's kind of my catch phrase.



Will Schuester: So... What meds are you on?
Terri Del Monico: Um, antidepressants and anti-anxiety when I need them.
Will Schuester: Are you happy?
Terri Del Monico: You know, I think I feel like for the first time maybe I could be happy. How about you?
Will Schuester: Happy?
Terri Del Monico: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Um. If I'm gonna be honest, no. I still feel like I'm searching for something.
Terri Del Monico: Here. Some more. There...
Will Schuester: Thanks, Terri. Baby likes his soup.
Terri Del Monico: Oh. You know, I remember something else that baby loves a lot. Okay.
Will Schuester: Rubbing menthol. I love that stuff.
Terri Del Monico: I know you do. Take your shirt off, lie on your stomach. Come on. What? I'm not going to kill you. It'll make you feel better.
Will Schuester: All right.
Terri Del Monico: Here.
Will Schuester: Don't. Don't. I don't want to get you sick.
Terri Del Monico: I don't care.



Mercedes Jones: Look at this crap. Foam fish sticks? Principal Sylvester's only serving predigested food now to give us more energy. I mean, do I look like a damn baby bird?
Kurt Hummel: Don't fret your culinary disappointments. I come bearing gifts.
Mercedes Jones: You brought tots?
Kurt Hummel: Better. I've set you up on a date. I get it. My new budding friendship with Blaine is making you feel left out, jealous.
Mercedes Jones: Who's the guy?
Kurt Hummel: Anthony Rashad.
Mercedes Jones: Why him?
Kurt Hummel: No reason.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, so it has nothing to do with the fact that he's one of the five black guys at this school?
Kurt Hummel: Uh, no, he is a wide receiver on the football team, he is very good-looking, and he is a member of the black student union.
Mercedes Jones: Any non-black activities?
Kurt Hummel: I don't know... my Google search was a little...
Mercedes Jones: I can't take this anymore.
Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, trust me, love is just around the corner.
Dave Karofsky: What's up, homo?
Mercedes Jones: That's not what I'm talking about.
Woman: Tots!
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God!
Students: Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots!
Sue Sylvester: So the tot wars have begun, Becky.



Holly & Rachel: # You can like? #
# The life you're living? #
# You can live? #
# The life you like #
# You can even #
# Marry Harry #
# But mess around with ike #
# And that's good #
# Isn't it grand #
# Isn't it great #
# Isn't it swell #
# Isn't it fun #
# Isn't it #
# But nothing stays #
# In 50 years #
# Or so #
# It's gonna change #
# You know #
# But, oh, it's #
# Heaven #
# Nowa... #
# Days #
# And all... #
# That... #
# Jazz... #



Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, you look terrible... you should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here.
Will Schuester: Well, the kids need me.
Sue Sylvester: No, literally, there's no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I. I got to be honest with you, Will. A lot of it's the hair thing. In fact, right now I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies.
Will Schuester: Oh... I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.
Sue Sylvester: Well, that's not gonna happen. The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position. So, why don't you go home, rest, watch some TV, die. It doesn't matter... 'cause you know what? As my first official act as full-time principal, you are fired.



Kurt Hummel: I'm just saying that drunk people who get married to someone just saying that they met an hour ago by an Elvis impersonator... I mean, that's the bigger insult to marriage than two gay guys getting hitched.
Blaine Anderson: Totally. It's, like, if marriage is so sacred, they should just outlaw divorce. Right?
Kurt Hummel: Right. Right.
Blaine Anderson: What do you think, Mercedes?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, about, uh, "don't ask, don't tell".
Kurt Hummel: No, we're on prop 8 now.
Mercedes Jones: Totally for it.
Kurt Hummel: Against it.
Mercedes Jones: Right. I'm sorry, I kind of just blanked out.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, don't apologize... we should talk about stuff that you're interested in, too.
Kurt Hummel: I know... let's play a game. Okay, on the count of three, name your favorite 2010 vogue cover. Okay, ready? One, two, three...
Kurt & Blaine: Marion Cotillard.
Kurt Hummel: Yes!
Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God, stop it!
Kurt Hummel: Yes, I know.
Blaine Anderson: She's amazing!
Kurt Hummel: Amazing!
Blaine Anderson: Amazing!
Kurt Hummel: Amazing.
Blaine Anderson: Gay!
Kurt Hummel: Gay!
Blaine Anderson: Gay.
Kurt Hummel: Gay, gay, gay.
Blaine Anderson: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my gosh, I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!
Blaine Anderson: That's so gay.
Kurt Hummel: How did that get in there? Mercedes? Mercedes?
Blaine Anderson: I was just talking about the buckeyes... I'm a college football fan. I like sports, too, you know.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, way to break the stereotype.
Mercedes Jones: Excuse me. I know it's not on your menu, but I was wondering if you guys had...
Waitress: You want some tots? You kids must go to McKinley.
Mercedes Jones: So, what were we talking about?
Kurt Hummel: Has anyone read Patti Lupone's new book?
Blaine Anderson: I'm kidding. Of course I have.
Kurt Hummel: You scared me so much there. I know, I was...



Holly Holliday: Nice job, band dudes. It feels like the sun is shining in here.
Will Schuester: And the body's still warm. Hi. I'm Will Schuester, and this is my choir room.
Holly Holliday: I'm sorry we had to meet like this. The kids really love you. You must be a great teacher.
Will Schuester: You don't believe that... if you did, you wouldn't have taken my job so easily.
Holly Holliday: Guys, you want to take five? Okay, you want to have this conversation, let's have it.
Will Schuester: You're a substitute... of course you can... paint murals and let the kids sing whatever they want. You're never around when they have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.
Holly Holliday: 16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.
Will Schuester: I give my kids a voice. I just don't let it run free. I'm the teacher... it's my job to know more than they do.
Holly Holliday: Right, but you don't know more about what they care about the most... themselves. These kids get bored, they change their Facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled for the world to care about them. That's what this generation is about.
Will Schuester: A great teacher is supposed to show them that there are other points of view besides their own.
Holly Holliday: Okay, fine. What do you do when a kid does something really great in your class?
Will Schuester: Praise them.
Holly Holliday: I tweet them about it right there and then, and for those 30 seconds, I know that that kid has a connection with me. Look, it's... a terrible economy, and good teaching jobs are hard enough to get, let alone one in the arts. I just... I'm sorry, but I... I can't turn this opportunity down.



Sue Sylvester: You want to tell Ms. Holliday why we're here?
Mercedes Jones: Remember when I asked to be excused from class?



Mercedes Jones: May I be excused? I'm gonna go shove some tots up the tailpipe of coach Sylvester's car.
Holly Holliday: Sure!



Mercedes Jones: I told her not to touch my tots.
Sue Sylvester: You did $17,000 worth of damage. I drive a very rare and desirable automobile, ladies. Prized by collectors for its peerless grace among vintage European sports cars, one out of seven in existence. The 1979 Lecar. You know how many hours it took to find a mechanic who even knew what a Lecar was? She's your student. I would love to hear what you suggest as punishment.
Holly Holliday: I was gonna suggest clapping erasers, but you guys are mostly dry-erase here, so...
Sue Sylvester: You know what you might not find so funny, Mercedes, is that tampering with an automobile's exhaust is a felony. And you can rest assured that I and my attorney, Gloria Allred, will be pressing charges.
Holly Holliday: So... am I going to jail, or...
Sue Sylvester: Undetermined.
Holly Holliday: Great.
Sue Sylvester: Get the hell out of my office. You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, do you?
Holly Holliday: No. Not really.
Sue Sylvester: By the way, berets are out.



Holly Holliday: Sorry for just coming over like this. I wanted to do this in person. Plus, I heard you have expensive beer.
Will Schuester: I'm glad you did. And I do. Look, I was out of line before... you have every right to teach however you want. And the fact is, the kids clearly love you.
Holly Holliday: I'm a terrible teacher. Don't argue with me... I know I am. Today... Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester's tailpipe, and we were sitting in Sue's office, and Mercedes was looking at me like... And I just was totally lost.
Will Schuester: What did... what did Sue do to her?
Holly Holliday: Whatever. I don't know.She, like, suspended her or whatever. Oh! See? God, I do that every time! As soon as things get serious, I retreat. God, I... I didn't used to be like this, you know? I-I-I was... More like you.



Holly Holliday: Spaulding High School, ten years ago. Good morning, class. I was subbing for a math teacher. The syllabus says that you're on algorithms, so let's start with some easy ones.
Cameo: Let's start with you kissing my ass!
Holly Holliday: Her name was Cameo. She was like an attractive biggie smalls. Okay, miss...
Cameo: Cameo.
Holly Holliday: Miss Cameo, do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?
Cameo: Do you find my fist hard to understand?
Holly Holliday: I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn.
Cameo: Tricks? What are you, some type of magician substitute? I'm a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!
Holly Holliday: Cameo!



Holly Holliday: I woke up in an empty classroom. They'd stolen my Air Jordans. From that moment, I realized I got to keep things moving, I got to keep it mellow and fun.
Will Schuester: Yeah, to keep from getting your butt kicked.
Holly Holliday: And I do, in all ways. I never sign more than a month-to-month lease. I only eat off paper plates. I live on one-night stands. Last year a guy asked me to marry him; I moved.
Will Schuester: Sounds... lonely.
Holly Holliday: Yeah. Well... it works for me. But it doesn't work for those kids. I'm resigning.
Terri Del Monico: Wow, Will. I mean, wow.
Will Schuester: What are you doing here? You should've called.
Terri Del Monico: I brought you some more soup. But I guess baby's feeling a lot better if he's healthy enough to have a beer with a friend!
Holly Holliday: No, no. I... Hi. I'm-I'm holly Holliday.
Terri Del Monico: Are you a porn star or a drag queen? I'm Terri Schuester, Will's wife.
Holly Holliday: Wow. Your wife's kind of a bitch.
Will Schuester: She's my ex-wife. And I have no idea what she's doing here.
Terri Del Monico: Do I have to remind you what went on here?
Will Schuester: Can we talk about this another time?
Terri Del Monico: Why, 'cause this is embarrassing in front of your new girlfriend? Where has she been the past two days, huh?
Holly Holliday: Okay, I'm just gonna go home.
Will Schuester: No. I'm sorry, Terri. Last night was a mistake. I knew it as soon as it happened. I was lonely and... you were there. I-I am sorry.
Terri Del Monico: No, I'm... honey, I'm sorry. I just... I'm really out of control right now, and... I'm gonna come back. Okay?
Will Schuester: Terri.
Terri Del Monico: Yeah?
Will Schuester: Don't. Don't come back.
Terri Del Monico: This is your last chance, Will. It's never gonna happen again. If I leave now, I'm never gonna come back. You're gonna regret this, Will. I swear to God, you're gonna regret this.
Holly Holliday: Are you okay?
Will Schuester: Tell me again about this life with no consequences.
Holly Holliday: It's kind of awesome.



Mercedes Jones: Psst! Look what I snuck in. My heart was racing.
Kurt Hummel: Are you out of your mind?! After what you did to Sue's Lecar? You're gonna end up in prison!
Mercedes Jones: So? You know what they have in prison. Tots.
Kurt Hummel: I'm not breaking it off with Blaine. I really like him. You are substituting food for love, Mercedes. And more importantly, you're substituting me for a boyfriend. Look at me. Two weeks ago, I thought there was no way I'd ever find someone like Blaine. And there he was. You will find somebody. But until then, you just got to take care of yourself. And treat yourself with a little respect.
Mercedes Jones: You're right. I got to go.
Kurt Hummel: Where?
Mercedes Jones: I'm gonna go talk to that Anthony kid. First time I saw him, I thought he was kind of cute. Maybe we have a shot.
Dave Karofsky: Question for you. You tell anyone else what happened? How you-you kissed me?
Kurt Hummel: You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so no, I haven't told anyone.
Dave Karofsky: Good. You keep it that way. 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna kill you.



Will Schuester: So I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.
Sue Sylvester: No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the under-flaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.
Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.
Sam Evans: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.
Rachel Berry: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.
Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "m" and "n." I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.



Sue Sylvester: You know, William, one thing I learned in my time as president...
Will Schuester: Principal.
Sue Sylvester: ... you can't force public opinion. I pardoned you. Sometimes you got to give the inmates what they want. You throw 'em a comb, and hope they stop beating each other long enough to whittle it into a shiv.
Will Schuester: Well, I am relieved. I sort of thought I'd been replaced.
Sue Sylvester: Aw, shut your gash, Nancy. And as a condition of my not pressing charges, your Glee Club will return my Lecar to mint condition. I suggest selling yourself on craigslist under the heading of "men seeking men with butt-chins."



Will Schuester: All right, all right, thank you very much, guys. Please, please, sit down. Just... thank you... for that and... and for all the kind words you said about me to Sue. The feelings are mutual. Now, we got to get crackin', though. We lost a few days there, and it's all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days.
Noah Puckerman: I guess Ms. Holliday really is gone.
Will Schuester: I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun, but she and I both agreed that this is what was best.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Don't get us wrong, Mr. Schue, we always wanted you as our teacher. She was just kind of a nice break.
Quinn Fabray: She did loosen us up.
Artie Abrams: And she actually had some good ideas for a sub.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I get it. And maybe we can, uh, incorporate those... after sectionals. Now, when I'm sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel better.
Artie Abrams: Gin and juice.
Will Schuester: No. Singin' in the rain. I must've watched it, like, ten times over the past three days. It's actually what inspired me to try this out as a contender for our first song at sectionals.
Sam Evans: When is the song from?
Will Schuester: Well, the movie opened in 1952. But-but... but it's... But it's really timeless.



Holly Holliday: Mary Todd Lincoln in the house! My husband was probably gay, and I'm bipolar, which makes me yell things like... "That teapot's spreading lies about me!" Or... "That can't be my baby, because I don't love it!"
Will Schuester: Ms. Holliday, can I talk to you for a sec?
Holly Holliday: Sure. Guys, practice your bipolar rants, okay? See? History can be fun!
Will Schuester: How are you holding up?
Holly Holliday: Okay. I'm back to my itinerant ways, I guess. I do miss Glee Club, though.
Will Schuester: Well, as much as the kids like me, they sure do miss you. Which is why next time I'm sick, I'm requesting you as the Glee sub.
Holly Holliday: Really? Mr. Schuester, that's so nice of you. It would be nice to feel like a part of something, you know?
Will Schuester: I know. I actually need your help with something else, though. See, I've been dying to do singin' in the rain with the kids, show them how great it is, but they're convinced it's too old-fashioned.
Holly Holliday: Mm.
Will Schuester: Would you mind helping me make it a little more... modern?
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.



Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah! Holly! #
Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
Artie Abrams: # Good girl gone bad #
Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
Artie Abrams: # Take three #
# Action! Go! #
Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
# You have my heart #
# And we'll never be #
# Worlds apart #
# Maybe in magazines #
# But you'll #
# Still be my star #
# Baby, 'cause in the dark #
# You can't see shiny cars #
# And that's when you'll need me there #
# With you, I'll always share #
# 'Cause I'm #
Will Schuester: # I'm singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # We'll shine together #
Will Schuester: # Just singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # Be here forever #
Will Schuester: # What a glorious feelin' #
Boys of ND: # Be your friend #
Will Schuester: # I'm happy again #
Boys of ND: # Stick it out till the end #
Will Schuester: # I'm laughing at clouds #
Boys of ND: # More than ever #
Will Schuester: # So dark up above #
Boys of ND: # Still have each other #
Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly & Artie: # You can stand under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh #
# Under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh #
# These fancy things #
# Will never come in between #
# You're part of my entity #
# Here for infinity #
# When the world has took its part #
Will & Holly: # When the world has dealt it's cards #
# If the hand is hard #
# Together we'll mend your heart #
Will Schuester: # 'Cause I'm singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # We'll shine together #
Will Schuester: # Just singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # Be here forever #
Will Schuester: # What a glorious feelin' #
Boys of ND: # Be your friend #
Will Schuester: # I'm happy again #
Boys of ND: # Stick it out till the end #
Will Schuester: # I'm laughing at clouds #
Boys of ND: # More than ever #
Will Schuester: # So dark up above #
Boys of ND: # Still have each other #
Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly & Artie: # You can stand under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh #
Will Schuester: # Just singing in the rain #
# I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly Holliday: # It's raining, raining #
# Ooh baby it’s raining, raining #
# Baby, come here to me #
# Come here to me #
Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly Holliday: # Baby, come here to me #
Will Schuester: # The sun’s in my heart #
# And I’m ready for love #
New Directions: # My umbrella, my umbrella #
# My umbrella, my umbrella #


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee. Will's wife put the "terri" in "terrible relationship," so now she's his ex-wife.
Terri Schuester: What is wrong with you?
Ian Brennan: Kurt met this kid Blaine who he really likes and he seems really nice, but he sings in the Glee Club at another school. They're called the warblers.
Blaine Anderson: The warblers are like rock stars.
Ian Brennan: Kurt isn't liking his own school at all, because Karofsky's been coming after him, and nobody knows why.
Kurt Hummel: You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you.
Ian Brennan: Well, Kurt knows why, but he hasn't told anyone. And that's what you missed on... Glee!



Will Schuester: Morning, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's principal Sue.
Will Schuester: What?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.
Will Schuester: Wait, what happened to Figgins?
Sue Sylvester: Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club.
Will Schuester: How... how did Figgins get it?



Principal Figgins: And that's what it means to be an American.
Lauren Zizes: I think I have a fever.
Sue Sylvester: Can it. Now.
Lauren Zizes: 'Sup?



Will Schuester: So Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?
Sue Sylvester: Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: I... I thought we were friends.
Sue Sylvester: That got boring.



Will Schuester: Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher: Constant exposure to illness. All right, guys, um... Time to start thinking about song selections. I mean, I feel like I might have a fever, but it's important that I power through it. Okay. I definitely have a fever.
Santana Lopez: Lookin' good, Puckerman. Someone's been eating their wheaties.
Noah Puckerman: These guns are fully loaded.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue? I, for one, think we should use our set list for sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters.
Brittany S. Pierce: Someday, I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.
Mike Chang: I just want to dance.
Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schuester, you look a little green.
Will Schuester: Um... I think I'm gonna go see the nurse. But first I feel like I should get you guys a sitter.



TV: At this point, it would be a good idea to add any of your aromatics, like... We're going to cover the pan until the clams open up...
Will Schuester: I can take care of myself.
Terri Del Monico: Is that why Mrs. Weiss called me from next door? Because, according to her, she's here morning and night. Lift your head up.
Will Schuester: You're making me feel worse.
Terri Del Monico: Oh, honey. I'm probably revealing too much, but I do still love you. And you have to admit, no matter how toxic our marriage was, I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick.
Will Schuester: That's because you like me best when I'm weak.
Terri Del Monico: Maybe. I mean, that's what my therapist says.
Will Schuester: You're seeing a therapist?
Terri Del Monico: And I'm medicating, too. Now roll over, and pull your pants down, - because we're gonna take baby's temperature.
Will Schuester: No.
Terri Del Monico: But baby knows it's the only way that we can get an accurate reading.
Will Schuester: Stop, Terri. I don't want to play sick baby with you. Now, get out of here. What are you doing?
Terri Del Monico: Singin' in the rain. We were together 16 years. You think I don't remember what movie makes you feel better when you're sick?
TV: Then they're not good, so don't eat those. Just go ahead and discard those. And that is how you steam clams.



Kurt Hummel: I'm shaking. And it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.



Rachel Berry: Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals.
Santana Lopez: All right, you know what? Let me at her!



Mercedes Jones: We'll forget all about it tonight at bowling.
Kurt Hummel: I can't. Blaine asked me to hang out.
Mercedes Jones: I've been looking forward to it all week. Wait. Are you two going out? Because I think you need to come clean.
Kurt Hummel: What? No. I don't want another Jessie... Rachel traitor scenario to overcome. Please, Mercedes. Mum's the word.
Mercedes Jones: We'd be happy for you. I mean, we know how lonely you've been.
Kurt Hummel: All right, we just hang out. Nothing about Glee club even ever comes up. It's just nice to have someone to talk to.
Mercedes Jones: What is that supposed to mean?
Kurt Hummel: I mean, someone like me. But I promise to make it up to you. We'll hang out Friday night.
Mercedes Jones: Excuse you. Whoa, whoa. A couple more. Thanks. So what are we going to do about Glee Club while Mr. Schue is sick?
Kurt Hummel: I have an idea. Have you met the new Spanish teacher?



Holly Holliday: It's not easy being a substitute teacher. Kids feel like they get the day off. They'll goof off, egg your car, cut class, break into your car, throw spitballs, put an alligator in your car... And I don't even have a nice car. Lindsay Lohan está bien loca, ¿no? ¡Repitan! So I try to relate to the kids, listen to what they have to say, make it fun for them. No, repitan otra vez, con más energía.
Students: Lindsay Lohan está bien loca, ¿no?
Holly Holliday: Because I'm the cure for the common class. ¡Muy bien! ¿Cuántas veces ha asistido Lindsay Lohan a rehabilitación? Cinco veces, ¡Cinco!
Kurt Hummel: Excuse me, Miss Holliday? A word?
Holly Holliday: Favor de ponerse en grupos para discutir cuántas veces se ha puesto Lindsay Lohan en rehabilitación.
Kurt Hummel: I understand that you are subbing for Mr. Schuester's Spanish class, and I was wondering if you might not want to take over his Glee Club duties, as well.
Holly Holliday: What makes you think I know the first thing about Glee Club?
Kurt Hummel: You subbed for my English class last week. And you were extraordinary.



English Class Students: # Conjunction junction, what's your function #
Holly Holliday: # Hooking up words and phrases and clauses #
English Class Students: # Conjunction junction, what's your function #
Holly Holliday: # Hooking up cars and making 'em function #
English Class Students: # Conjunction junction... #
Stoner Brett: Are you on anything? 'Cause this is trippy.
Kurt Hummel: You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.



Kurt Hummel: Miss Holliday, we are floundering. Won't you please take over Glee Club?
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.
Kurt Hummel: Yay! Muchas gracias.



Finn Hudson: Dude, what are you doing?
Noah Puckerman: Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor.
Finn Hudson: But sectionals is, like, two weeks from now.
Artie Abrams: Hey, Gigantor. We're all gonna swap names, yo.
Rachel Berry: Um, did I hear something about a substitute?
Noah Puckerman: Yes! It works!
Rachel Berry: Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine.
Artie Abrams: Oh, what the hell?
Holly Holliday: Hola, clase. Nothing says "bienvenidos" quite like a buttered floor. Let's start with some introductions. My name is holly Holliday. What's yours? Go.
Noah Puckerman: I'm Finn Hudson. I'm quarterback of the football team.
Santana Lopez: I'm Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm Mike Chang.
Holly Holliday: Those aren't your names. You know why I know that?
Brittany S. Pierce: You're psychic?
Holly Holliday: I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at regionals, where you came in last. Maybe it's because the songs were about 30 years old, but...
Finn Hudson: Those songs are classics.
Holly Holliday: Those songs are amazing. But they sounded like somebody else's favorite songs. Not yours. Just sayin'.
Brittany S. Pierce: She speaks the truth.
Holly Holliday: I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher. I want you guys to do things that you want to do. I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together. What do you say we have class outside today?
Mercedes Jones: It's raining outside.
Holly Holliday: Well, then let's take a field trip to taco bell.
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, yeah!
Holly Holliday: Should we toke up some medical-grade marijuana? I wish.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes!
Finn Hudson: It's really hard not to like this woman.
Rachel Berry: Okay, no. We can't just goof off all day. We have to write a set list for sectionals.
Holly Holliday: You're right. What songs would you like to do? Oh. Don't get asked that question much, do we?
Kurt Hummel: Ms. Holliday is right. Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes seems like he hasn't listened to the radio since the '80s.
Noah Puckerman: He never listens to what I have to say.



Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue, can we do that new Cee-Lo song, "Forget You"?
Will Schuester: Uh, no. Come on, guys, there's got to be a Journey song we haven't done yet.



Holly Holliday: Cee-Lo! That's what I'm talking about.
Santana Lopez: Snap. Okay, excuse me? What would you know about Cee-Lo? 'Cause you're like, 40.
Holly Holliday: Top 40, sweet cheeks. Hit it!
# I see you driving 'round town #
# With the guy I love, and I'm like "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket #
# Wasn't enough #
# I'm like, "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Holly Holliday: # And yeah, I'm sorry #
# I can't afford a Ferrari #
# But that don't mean I can't get you there #
# I guess she's an Xbox #
# And I'm more an atari #
# Mmm, but the way you play your game ain't fair #
# I pity the fool #
# That falls in love with you #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, she's a gold digger #
Holly Holliday: # Well... #
Unholy Trinity: # Just thought you should know #
Holly Holliday: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# I got some news for you #
# Yeah, go run and tell your little girlfriend #
# I see you driving 'round town with the guy I love #
# And I'm like, "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough #
# I'm like, "forget you and forget him, too!" #
# Said if I was richer #
# I'd still be with ya #
# Huh, now ain't that some shhhh? #
Unholy Trinity: # Ain't that some shhhh? #
Holly Holliday: # Although this pain's in my chest #
# I still wish you the best with a "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #
Mercedes & Artie: # Now, baby, baby, baby #
# Why'd you wanna wanna hurt me so bad #
New Directions: # So bad, so bad, so bad #
Mercedes & Artie: # I tried to tell my mama #
# But she told me, "this is one for your dad" #
New Directions: # Your dad #
Mercedes Jones: # Yes, she did #
Artie Abrams: # Yes, she did #
New Directions: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # Why #
New Directions: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # Why #
New Directions: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # Why, baby, baby #
Unholy Trinity: # Uhh...#
Holly Holliday: # I love you #
# I still love you #
Santana Lopez: # Hey! #
Holly Holliday: # I see you driving 'round town with the guy I love #
# And I'm like, "forget you!" #
Santana Lopez: # Forget you, yeah #
Holly Holliday: # I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough #
Santana Lopez: # Uuh #
Holly Holliday: # I'm like, "forget you, and forget him, too!" #
Santana Lopez: # Oh, baby #
Holly Holliday: # I said, if I was richer #
# I'd still be with ya #
Santana Lopez: # Yeah you! #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, now ain't that some shhhh? #
# Although there's pain in my chest #
# I still wish you the best #
Santana Lopez: # Wish you the best #
Holly Holliday: # With a "forget you!" #
Unholy Trinity: # Ooh-hoo, hoo, hoo. #
Holly Holliday: Let's go get some tacos!
New Directions: Yeah!
Holly Holliday: Yes!



Shannon Beiste: This is not up for discussion, fellas. You do not spray athlete's foot medicine in your teammates' eyes. Come on! Can I help you, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: Principal Sue, and I'm here to inform you that effective 4:00 P.M. today... the football team is officially... disbanded.
Shannon Beiste: Well, if you're cutting the football team, who are your cheerios going to cheer for?
Sue Sylvester: I will get back to you on all of this later.
Shannon Beiste: No.



Sue Sylvester: Humiliation. Bested by the beiste, less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all chairs in the school with sharp poles was thwarted... a resounding defeat in my war against sitting. Reality is, I'm a champion, and once I get power, I do not let it go. I need a cause. That's it. Becky, get your Fanny in here, and bring your pad.
Becky Jackson: Yes, coach?
Sue Sylvester: Becky, take a memo. I'm banning po-tater tots.
Becky Jackson: Outstanding.



Mike Chang: Mr. Schue, I'm so glad you're better. We can't win sectionals without you.
Will Schuester: Mike, I know. Now, I'm gonna run through a number here, and after a bit, I want you to join in, got it?
Mike Chang: Got it.
Will Schuester: All right. Though the world is full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as... But are we? No. Definitely no. Positively no. Decidedly no. Uh-uh! Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all! And in the words of that immortal God, Samuel J. Snodgrass, as he was about to be lead to the guillotine...
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# My dad said, "be an actor, my son" #
# "But be a comical one" #
# "They'll be standing in lines" #
# "For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines" #
# And you can charm the critics and have nothin' to eat #
# Just slip on a banana peel, the world's at your feet #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em... make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# My grandpa said, "go out and tell 'em a joke" #
# "But give it plenty of hoke" #
# Make 'em roar, make 'em scream #
# Take a fall, butt a wall, split a seam #
# You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace #
# You wiggle till they're giggling all over the place #
# And then you get a great big custard pie in the face #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, #
# make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Don't you know everyone wants to laugh #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha #
# Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... #
# Make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh #
# Make em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh #
# Make 'em laugh!#



Will Schuester: I don't understand who gave her the authority to take over Glee Club. What?
Rachel Berry: I was doing a fine job of running Glee in your absence, and then Kurt, jealous, asked her to take over.
Will Schuester: I'm not too worried about it, Rachel. I really appreciate your concern, but... I'm not worried about someone coming in and usurping me. You kids love me.
Rachel Berry: Sue doesn't.



Sue Sylvester: You know what's so nice, is having someone fun at this school. Mm. We're back.
Holly Holliday: Okay.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, hoarders is great, but...
Sue & Holly: Animal hoarders is better.
Holly Holliday: Hoarders and red wine. I'm buzzed!



Rachel Berry: You have to get well, Mr. Schuester, because every day you're here, she's there, and it becomes more and more likely that she's going to start running the Glee Club, and you're going to become the substitute.



Mercedes Jones: Oh, we have to get there early on Friday. It's league night for little people, and they'll buy up all the small shoes if they get there first.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, I totally forgot. Greg Evigan is starring in rent at the community playhouse, and Blaine got us tickets.
Mercedes Jones: "Us" as in all of us?
Kurt Hummel: I think he could only score two.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. Where do you think you're going with those?
Santana Lopez: Principal Sue banned the tots.
Mercedes Jones: She can't do that!
Mercedes Jones: They look like deep-fried deer poop.
Santana Lopez: Take it up with principal Sue.
Kurt Hummel: We'll get you some-some...
Mercedes Jones: Ugh!
Kurt Hummel: Okay.



Mercedes Jones: Why did you take away our tots?
Becky Jackson: You don't have an appointment.
Sue Sylvester: Jackee, I am like my idol, Richard Millhouse Nixon. Regarded in his time as petty, corrupt and venal, he actually always had the best interests of his people in mind. And also like Richard Nixon, I'm obliged to inform you that this conversation is being recorded.
Mercedes Jones: I want my tots.
Sue Sylvester: Nutrition is abysmal at this school. You know what this is?
Mercedes Jones: Toilet brush.
Sue Sylvester: It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.
Mercedes Jones: I'm getting my tots back.
Sue Sylvester: Becky, that can't happen again. Keep 'em out.
Becky Jackson: Roger that. Thank you, coach.



Holly Holliday: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Hello, miss Holliday. I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttocks from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.
Holly Holliday: Rachel, you suck. Oh, my God, you're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?
Noah Puckerman: I have.
Holly Holliday: Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later. It is so boring in there.
Noah Puckerman: Thanks, miss H.
Holly Holliday: Righteous.
Rachel Berry: You know what? Maybe I should be more like you. All fun, and just forget about the consequences.
Holly Holliday: Well, frankly, yes, you should. I mean, at least sometimes. When was the last time that you did something just because you thought it would be a blast? Take Glee Club. I mean, you have all these great ideas. When is the last time you actually did one of them?
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue can be a little tight-fisted with song selection, but I would like to do something a little bit more upbeat and glamorous with a good dance beat.
Holly Holliday: Sounds reasonable to me. Have you asked?



Rachel Berry: Mr. Shuster, I want to do more of an upbeat, glamorous song with a really good dance beat.
Will Schuester: No, but I have good news. I found a Journey song we haven't done yet.



Holly Holliday: Rachel, I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.
Rachel Berry: What happened?
Holly Holliday: I got punched in the face. Anyway, why don't you let me know the name of this upbeat, glamorous song with the nice dance beat, because, hot stuff, you are doing it in Glee Club.
Rachel Berry: I kind of need a partner to do the song I wanted.
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask. That's kind of my catch phrase.



Will Schuester: So... What meds are you on?
Terri Del Monico: Um, antidepressants and anti-anxiety when I need them.
Will Schuester: Are you happy?
Terri Del Monico: You know, I think I feel like for the first time maybe I could be happy. How about you?
Will Schuester: Happy?
Terri Del Monico: Yeah.
Will Schuester: Um. If I'm gonna be honest, no. I still feel like I'm searching for something.
Terri Del Monico: Here. Some more. There...
Will Schuester: Thanks, Terri. Baby likes his soup.
Terri Del Monico: Oh. You know, I remember something else that baby loves a lot. Okay.
Will Schuester: Rubbing menthol. I love that stuff.
Terri Del Monico: I know you do. Take your shirt off, lie on your stomach. Come on. What? I'm not going to kill you. It'll make you feel better.
Will Schuester: All right.
Terri Del Monico: Here.
Will Schuester: Don't. Don't. I don't want to get you sick.
Terri Del Monico: I don't care.



Mercedes Jones: Look at this crap. Foam fish sticks? Principal Sylvester's only serving predigested food now to give us more energy. I mean, do I look like a damn baby bird?
Kurt Hummel: Don't fret your culinary disappointments. I come bearing gifts.
Mercedes Jones: You brought tots?
Kurt Hummel: Better. I've set you up on a date. I get it. My new budding friendship with Blaine is making you feel left out, jealous.
Mercedes Jones: Who's the guy?
Kurt Hummel: Anthony Rashad.
Mercedes Jones: Why him?
Kurt Hummel: No reason.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, so it has nothing to do with the fact that he's one of the five black guys at this school?
Kurt Hummel: Uh, no, he is a wide receiver on the football team, he is very good-looking, and he is a member of the black student union.
Mercedes Jones: Any non-black activities?
Kurt Hummel: I don't know... my Google search was a little...
Mercedes Jones: I can't take this anymore.
Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, trust me, love is just around the corner.
Dave Karofsky: What's up, homo?
Mercedes Jones: That's not what I'm talking about.
Woman: Tots!
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God!
Students: Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots!
Sue Sylvester: So the tot wars have begun, Becky.



Holly & Rachel: # You can like? #
# The life you're living? #
# You can live? #
# The life you like #
# You can even #
# Marry Harry #
# But mess around with ike #
# And that's good #
# Isn't it grand #
# Isn't it great #
# Isn't it swell #
# Isn't it fun #
# Isn't it #
# But nothing stays #
# In 50 years #
# Or so #
# It's gonna change #
# You know #
# But, oh, it's #
# Heaven #
# Nowa... #
# Days #
# And all... #
# That... #
# Jazz... #



Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, you look terrible... you should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here.
Will Schuester: Well, the kids need me.
Sue Sylvester: No, literally, there's no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I. I got to be honest with you, Will. A lot of it's the hair thing. In fact, right now I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies.
Will Schuester: Oh... I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.
Sue Sylvester: Well, that's not gonna happen. The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position. So, why don't you go home, rest, watch some TV, die. It doesn't matter... 'cause you know what? As my first official act as full-time principal, you are fired.



Kurt Hummel: I'm just saying that drunk people who get married to someone just saying that they met an hour ago by an Elvis impersonator... I mean, that's the bigger insult to marriage than two gay guys getting hitched.
Blaine Anderson: Totally. It's, like, if marriage is so sacred, they should just outlaw divorce. Right?
Kurt Hummel: Right. Right.
Blaine Anderson: What do you think, Mercedes?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, about, uh, "don't ask, don't tell".
Kurt Hummel: No, we're on prop 8 now.
Mercedes Jones: Totally for it.
Kurt Hummel: Against it.
Mercedes Jones: Right. I'm sorry, I kind of just blanked out.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, don't apologize... we should talk about stuff that you're interested in, too.
Kurt Hummel: I know... let's play a game. Okay, on the count of three, name your favorite 2010 vogue cover. Okay, ready? One, two, three...
Kurt & Blaine: Marion Cotillard.
Kurt Hummel: Yes!
Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God, stop it!
Kurt Hummel: Yes, I know.
Blaine Anderson: She's amazing!
Kurt Hummel: Amazing!
Blaine Anderson: Amazing!
Kurt Hummel: Amazing.
Blaine Anderson: Gay!
Kurt Hummel: Gay!
Blaine Anderson: Gay.
Kurt Hummel: Gay, gay, gay.
Blaine Anderson: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, my gosh, I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!
Blaine Anderson: That's so gay.
Kurt Hummel: How did that get in there? Mercedes? Mercedes?
Blaine Anderson: I was just talking about the buckeyes... I'm a college football fan. I like sports, too, you know.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, way to break the stereotype.
Mercedes Jones: Excuse me. I know it's not on your menu, but I was wondering if you guys had...
Waitress: You want some tots? You kids must go to McKinley.
Mercedes Jones: So, what were we talking about?
Kurt Hummel: Has anyone read Patti Lupone's new book?
Blaine Anderson: I'm kidding. Of course I have.
Kurt Hummel: You scared me so much there. I know, I was...



Holly Holliday: Nice job, band dudes. It feels like the sun is shining in here.
Will Schuester: And the body's still warm. Hi. I'm Will Schuester, and this is my choir room.
Holly Holliday: I'm sorry we had to meet like this. The kids really love you. You must be a great teacher.
Will Schuester: You don't believe that... if you did, you wouldn't have taken my job so easily.
Holly Holliday: Guys, you want to take five? Okay, you want to have this conversation, let's have it.
Will Schuester: You're a substitute... of course you can... paint murals and let the kids sing whatever they want. You're never around when they have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.
Holly Holliday: 16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.
Will Schuester: I give my kids a voice. I just don't let it run free. I'm the teacher... it's my job to know more than they do.
Holly Holliday: Right, but you don't know more about what they care about the most... themselves. These kids get bored, they change their Facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled for the world to care about them. That's what this generation is about.
Will Schuester: A great teacher is supposed to show them that there are other points of view besides their own.
Holly Holliday: Okay, fine. What do you do when a kid does something really great in your class?
Will Schuester: Praise them.
Holly Holliday: I tweet them about it right there and then, and for those 30 seconds, I know that that kid has a connection with me. Look, it's... a terrible economy, and good teaching jobs are hard enough to get, let alone one in the arts. I just... I'm sorry, but I... I can't turn this opportunity down.



Sue Sylvester: You want to tell Ms. Holliday why we're here?
Mercedes Jones: Remember when I asked to be excused from class?



Mercedes Jones: May I be excused? I'm gonna go shove some tots up the tailpipe of coach Sylvester's car.
Holly Holliday: Sure!



Mercedes Jones: I told her not to touch my tots.
Sue Sylvester: You did $17,000 worth of damage. I drive a very rare and desirable automobile, ladies. Prized by collectors for its peerless grace among vintage European sports cars, one out of seven in existence. The 1979 Lecar. You know how many hours it took to find a mechanic who even knew what a Lecar was? She's your student. I would love to hear what you suggest as punishment.
Holly Holliday: I was gonna suggest clapping erasers, but you guys are mostly dry-erase here, so...
Sue Sylvester: You know what you might not find so funny, Mercedes, is that tampering with an automobile's exhaust is a felony. And you can rest assured that I and my attorney, Gloria Allred, will be pressing charges.
Holly Holliday: So... am I going to jail, or...
Sue Sylvester: Undetermined.
Holly Holliday: Great.
Sue Sylvester: Get the hell out of my office. You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, do you?
Holly Holliday: No. Not really.
Sue Sylvester: By the way, berets are out.



Holly Holliday: Sorry for just coming over like this. I wanted to do this in person. Plus, I heard you have expensive beer.
Will Schuester: I'm glad you did. And I do. Look, I was out of line before... you have every right to teach however you want. And the fact is, the kids clearly love you.
Holly Holliday: I'm a terrible teacher. Don't argue with me... I know I am. Today... Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester's tailpipe, and we were sitting in Sue's office, and Mercedes was looking at me like... And I just was totally lost.
Will Schuester: What did... what did Sue do to her?
Holly Holliday: Whatever. I don't know.She, like, suspended her or whatever. Oh! See? God, I do that every time! As soon as things get serious, I retreat. God, I... I didn't used to be like this, you know? I-I-I was... More like you.



Holly Holliday: Spaulding High School, ten years ago. Good morning, class. I was subbing for a math teacher. The syllabus says that you're on algorithms, so let's start with some easy ones.
Cameo: Let's start with you kissing my ass!
Holly Holliday: Her name was Cameo. She was like an attractive biggie smalls. Okay, miss...
Cameo: Cameo.
Holly Holliday: Miss Cameo, do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?
Cameo: Do you find my fist hard to understand?
Holly Holliday: I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn.
Cameo: Tricks? What are you, some type of magician substitute? I'm a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!
Holly Holliday: Cameo!



Holly Holliday: I woke up in an empty classroom. They'd stolen my Air Jordans. From that moment, I realized I got to keep things moving, I got to keep it mellow and fun.
Will Schuester: Yeah, to keep from getting your butt kicked.
Holly Holliday: And I do, in all ways. I never sign more than a month-to-month lease. I only eat off paper plates. I live on one-night stands. Last year a guy asked me to marry him; I moved.
Will Schuester: Sounds... lonely.
Holly Holliday: Yeah. Well... it works for me. But it doesn't work for those kids. I'm resigning.
Terri Del Monico: Wow, Will. I mean, wow.
Will Schuester: What are you doing here? You should've called.
Terri Del Monico: I brought you some more soup. But I guess baby's feeling a lot better if he's healthy enough to have a beer with a friend!
Holly Holliday: No, no. I... Hi. I'm-I'm holly Holliday.
Terri Del Monico: Are you a porn star or a drag queen? I'm Terri Schuester, Will's wife.
Holly Holliday: Wow. Your wife's kind of a bitch.
Will Schuester: She's my ex-wife. And I have no idea what she's doing here.
Terri Del Monico: Do I have to remind you what went on here?
Will Schuester: Can we talk about this another time?
Terri Del Monico: Why, 'cause this is embarrassing in front of your new girlfriend? Where has she been the past two days, huh?
Holly Holliday: Okay, I'm just gonna go home.
Will Schuester: No. I'm sorry, Terri. Last night was a mistake. I knew it as soon as it happened. I was lonely and... you were there. I-I am sorry.
Terri Del Monico: No, I'm... honey, I'm sorry. I just... I'm really out of control right now, and... I'm gonna come back. Okay?
Will Schuester: Terri.
Terri Del Monico: Yeah?
Will Schuester: Don't. Don't come back.
Terri Del Monico: This is your last chance, Will. It's never gonna happen again. If I leave now, I'm never gonna come back. You're gonna regret this, Will. I swear to God, you're gonna regret this.
Holly Holliday: Are you okay?
Will Schuester: Tell me again about this life with no consequences.
Holly Holliday: It's kind of awesome.



Mercedes Jones: Psst! Look what I snuck in. My heart was racing.
Kurt Hummel: Are you out of your mind?! After what you did to Sue's Lecar? You're gonna end up in prison!
Mercedes Jones: So? You know what they have in prison. Tots.
Kurt Hummel: I'm not breaking it off with Blaine. I really like him. You are substituting food for love, Mercedes. And more importantly, you're substituting me for a boyfriend. Look at me. Two weeks ago, I thought there was no way I'd ever find someone like Blaine. And there he was. You will find somebody. But until then, you just got to take care of yourself. And treat yourself with a little respect.
Mercedes Jones: You're right. I got to go.
Kurt Hummel: Where?
Mercedes Jones: I'm gonna go talk to that Anthony kid. First time I saw him, I thought he was kind of cute. Maybe we have a shot.
Dave Karofsky: Question for you. You tell anyone else what happened? How you-you kissed me?
Kurt Hummel: You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so no, I haven't told anyone.
Dave Karofsky: Good. You keep it that way. 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna kill you.



Will Schuester: So I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.
Sue Sylvester: No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the under-flaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.



Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.
Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.
Sam Evans: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.
Rachel Berry: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.
Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "m" and "n." I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.



Sue Sylvester: You know, William, one thing I learned in my time as president...
Will Schuester: Principal.
Sue Sylvester: ... you can't force public opinion. I pardoned you. Sometimes you got to give the inmates what they want. You throw 'em a comb, and hope they stop beating each other long enough to whittle it into a shiv.
Will Schuester: Well, I am relieved. I sort of thought I'd been replaced.
Sue Sylvester: Aw, shut your gash, Nancy. And as a condition of my not pressing charges, your Glee Club will return my Lecar to mint condition. I suggest selling yourself on craigslist under the heading of "men seeking men with butt-chins."



Will Schuester: All right, all right, thank you very much, guys. Please, please, sit down. Just... thank you... for that and... and for all the kind words you said about me to Sue. The feelings are mutual. Now, we got to get crackin', though. We lost a few days there, and it's all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days.
Noah Puckerman: I guess Ms. Holliday really is gone.
Will Schuester: I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun, but she and I both agreed that this is what was best.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Don't get us wrong, Mr. Schue, we always wanted you as our teacher. She was just kind of a nice break.
Quinn Fabray: She did loosen us up.
Artie Abrams: And she actually had some good ideas for a sub.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I get it. And maybe we can, uh, incorporate those... after sectionals. Now, when I'm sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel better.
Artie Abrams: Gin and juice.
Will Schuester: No. Singin' in the rain. I must've watched it, like, ten times over the past three days. It's actually what inspired me to try this out as a contender for our first song at sectionals.
Sam Evans: When is the song from?
Will Schuester: Well, the movie opened in 1952. But-but... but it's... But it's really timeless.



Holly Holliday: Mary Todd Lincoln in the house! My husband was probably gay, and I'm bipolar, which makes me yell things like... "That teapot's spreading lies about me!" Or... "That can't be my baby, because I don't love it!"
Will Schuester: Ms. Holliday, can I talk to you for a sec?
Holly Holliday: Sure. Guys, practice your bipolar rants, okay? See? History can be fun!
Will Schuester: How are you holding up?
Holly Holliday: Okay. I'm back to my itinerant ways, I guess. I do miss Glee Club, though.
Will Schuester: Well, as much as the kids like me, they sure do miss you. Which is why next time I'm sick, I'm requesting you as the Glee sub.
Holly Holliday: Really? Mr. Schuester, that's so nice of you. It would be nice to feel like a part of something, you know?
Will Schuester: I know. I actually need your help with something else, though. See, I've been dying to do singin' in the rain with the kids, show them how great it is, but they're convinced it's too old-fashioned.
Holly Holliday: Mm.
Will Schuester: Would you mind helping me make it a little more... modern?
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.



Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah! Holly! #
Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
Artie Abrams: # Good girl gone bad #
Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
Artie Abrams: # Take three #
# Action! Go! #
Holly Holliday: # Uh-huh, uh-huh #
# You have my heart #
# And we'll never be #
# Worlds apart #
# Maybe in magazines #
# But you'll #
# Still be my star #
# Baby, 'cause in the dark #
# You can't see shiny cars #
# And that's when you'll need me there #
# With you, I'll always share #
# 'Cause I'm #
Will Schuester: # I'm singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # We'll shine together #
Will Schuester: # Just singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # Be here forever #
Will Schuester: # What a glorious feelin' #
Boys of ND: # Be your friend #
Will Schuester: # I'm happy again #
Boys of ND: # Stick it out till the end #
Will Schuester: # I'm laughing at clouds #
Boys of ND: # More than ever #
Will Schuester: # So dark up above #
Boys of ND: # Still have each other #
Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly & Artie: # You can stand under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh #
# Under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh #
# These fancy things #
# Will never come in between #
# You're part of my entity #
# Here for infinity #
# When the world has took its part #
Will & Holly: # When the world has dealt it's cards #
# If the hand is hard #
# Together we'll mend your heart #
Will Schuester: # 'Cause I'm singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # We'll shine together #
Will Schuester: # Just singin' in the rain #
Boys of ND: # Be here forever #
Will Schuester: # What a glorious feelin' #
Boys of ND: # Be your friend #
Will Schuester: # I'm happy again #
Boys of ND: # Stick it out till the end #
Will Schuester: # I'm laughing at clouds #
Boys of ND: # More than ever #
Will Schuester: # So dark up above #
Boys of ND: # Still have each other #
Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly & Artie: # You can stand under my umbrella #
# Ella ella, eh eh eh #
Will Schuester: # Just singing in the rain #
# I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly Holliday: # It's raining, raining #
# Ooh baby it’s raining, raining #
# Baby, come here to me #
# Come here to me #
Will Schuester: # I'm singing, singing in the rain #
Holly Holliday: # Baby, come here to me #
Will Schuester: # The sun’s in my heart #
# And I’m ready for love #
New Directions: # My umbrella, my umbrella #
# My umbrella, my umbrella #
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 Glee Wiki
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記載日

 2012年1月15日