Glee

Jacob Ben Israel: Shalom, blogosphere. Jacob Ben Israel here at McKinley High. "Sudden Death" big stakes senior year-- who will succeed and who will fail? Finn Hudson, mediocre quarterback, mediocre Glee Club lead. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Finn Hudson: Me? Uh... Yeah, I have plans. Um...

Mike Chang: My mom still hasn't decided if I'm going to Harvard or Stanford yet.

Jacob Ben Israel: And where are you applying?

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm not. I'm only a junior. Senior, junior, junior.

Artie Abrams: Hello.

Jacob Ben Israel: Huh. I thought you were a senior.

Artie Abrams: Optical illusion. The chair adds a year.

Finn Hudson: Uh...

Rachel Berry: # Me, me, me, me, me, me, you #
# Me, me, me, me, me, me... #

Rachel Berry: I'm glad you asked. This year we'll both be applying to a New York-based performing arts school-- Juilliard.

Kurt Hummel: Ju-Juilliard!

Rachel Berry: We'll get an eclectic little apartment on the Lower East Side...

Kurt Hummel: Think Bette and Barbara Hershey in Beaches, pre-cardiomyopathy.

Rachel Berry: I'll originate a role in a new Sondheim musical; Tony by 25.

Kurt Hummel: Married by 3 Leg-a-lly!

Rachel Berry: Broadway, Lincoln Center, West End, a tasteful HBO miniseries. It's all right here in my planner, you see?

Jacob Ben Israel: Twitter says you're officially dating Sam Evans, AKA Trouty Mouth, AKA Hobo McBieber.

Mercedes Jones: Honey, that is so June. Yeah, Sam and I dated, but his dad got a job out of state. But I'm gonna give you an exclusive:

Jacob Ben Israel: Ooh.

Mercedes Jones: There's a new man in Mercedes' life now, and he's my future plans.

Shane Tinsley: I'm not your only your future plans, baby. You're gonna be a star, and when you graduate and win that first Grammy, we're gonna make beautiful cocoa babies.

Mercedes Jones: Ooh, baby, how you talk.

Santana Lopez: Senior year is all about being the Cheerios top 'ho and modeling my fierceness after my numero uno Latina: Paula Abdul.

Jacob Ben Israel: Paula Abdul is an Arab. Hey, has anyone seen Quinn Fabray?

Santana Lopez: Hi.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hi.

Jacob Ben Israel: Ooh, Brittany, what are your plans for the future?

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait. Are you working on a time machine, too?

Finn Hudson: I'm really excited about this year.

Jacob Ben Israel: Okay... cool.

Finn Hudson: The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing. I look around, and everyone knows where they're headed or at least what they want. I'm lost. It's like I can't even remember who I am anymore.

Rick Nelson: Hey! Taste the rainbow, Glee-yatch!

Finn Hudson: Now I remember.

Will Schuester: Rise and shine, sleepyhead. Guess who woke up right before I did?

Emma Pillsbury: I haven't brushed yet.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Mr. Shue, why are all of our trophies in the middle of the room?

Brittany S. Pierce: I was sure that our Nationals trophy would grow during the summer.

Will Schuester: I want this image burned into your mind. This is what the difference between first and 12th place looks like. It's also what it feels like.

Noah Puckerman: Are you planning on bumming us out all year long?

Will Schuester: No. I'm planning on pushing you harder than you've ever been pushed. We made it to Nationals last year. This year, I'm not going to let anything or anyone stop us from winning it all; I let you down last year. I lost focus, let some Broadway pipe dream get in the way.

Rachel Berry: And we're really sorry that the guy who replaced you in April Rhodes' musical won the Tony. I mean, I can only imagine your regret.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, you know what I regret? Being the laughingstock of the show choir world.

Artie Abrams: And that's saying something.

Kurt Hummel: Mercedes has a point. Finn and Rachel's "The Kiss That Missed" already has 20,000 views on YouTube, and the comments section is just full of pithy banter like "Why is that T Rex eating the Jew?"

Finn Hudson: How many times do we have to apologize?

Rachel Berry: Yeah. No more apologies.

Mike Chang: The school hates us even more now.

Will Schuester: Which is why we have to work even harder this year to recruit new members. We're three men down.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, only because Puckerman couldn't convince Zizes to stay.

Lauren Zizes: What we had was hot, but after the debacle of Nationals, the Glee Club is not, and my cool factor can't withstand it, all right? My rep is in free fall. Oh, don't be sad. We'll always have Subway.

Noah Puckerman: She's the one that got away-- really, really slowly.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Where's Quinn?

Artie Abrams: MIA. No one's heard from her. It's sad; I miss her.

Mercedes Jones: No one is going to join, Mr. Shue.

Will Schuester: They will. All they need is a little inspiration-- and I happen to have some, courtesy of Al Motta of Motta's Pianos. Bring 'em in, guys! You guys are going to love this.

Kurt Hummel: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, if there are purple pianos involved in this, I am on board.

Will Schuester: These pianos were repossessed from foreclosed homes. They're cast-offs, just like all of us. Used, in need of repairs.

Tina Cohen-Chang: But they're still capable of making beautiful music.

Will Schuester: Right. So Mr. Motta, as a lover of the arts, agreed to donate them to Glee. I fixed them up, painted them purple, and The Purple Piano Project was born. Now, I'm going to be placing these grapey uprights randomly throughout the school, and whenever you see one, no matter what you're doing, I want you to sing a song. Now, use this assignment to attract kids who are just like you-- kids who can't keep the music inside. Those are the kinds of additions that we need to win it all this year. Now, for many of you, this is your last year. Let's make it special.

Rachel Berry: We have an important announcement to make.

Emma Pillsbury: I thought this day might come. Really, this is the only dating combination that the Glee Club hasn't tried.

Kurt Hummel: We're not dating.

Rachel Berry: Kurt and I will be auditioning for Juilliard, the nation's premiere performing arts school.

Emma Pillsbury: That's a very good plan, guys. It's fabulous. Except Juilliard doesn't have a musical theatre department.

Kurt Hummel: Wait, what?

Emma Pillsbury: Have you guys thought about somewhere closer to home? Kent State has a wonderful musical theatre program and a macabre backstory, so if you're having a bad day or if you don't get the lead in a musical, you can say to yourselves, "You know what? Things really could be worse." No...

Rachel Berry: No, thank you. No one ever became a star by playing it safe.

Kurt Hummel: We're going to New York.

Rachel Berry: We are.

Emma Pillsbury: I think I have the school for you.

Kurt Hummel: NYADA?

Emma Pillsbury: New York Academy for the Dramatic Arts. US News and World Report ranked them the number one college in the nation for musical theatre. It's really competitive, They only take about 20 students a year, but they do a regular mixer for prospective students, and this year, the Midwest's top talent is rubbing elbows at the Dayton Doubletree on Thursday night. You could go and check out the competish! Yay! Yay, college!

Becky Jackson: The poll numbers are in, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: Close the door. Becky, the special election to fill Ken "Heart Attack" Weigand's congressional seat is in two months, and I am in ninth place at six percent, well behind "Undecided," that rapist running from prison, and "I don't care, please don't call me during dinner." I thought the people wanted a candidate who was for something. That's why I took that pro-deportation stance. But the people are angry. They want a candidate who's against something.

Becky Jackson: What about toast? Bread's already been baked. I don't get why you need to cook it again.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, Becky, your twisted genius excites me. That said, I'm on the precipice of doom. I need to find something everyone hates.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm sorry. I just realized that song might be the national anthem from whatever country you're from.

Mike Chang: That's really offensive.

Sue Sylvester: You know, I was really humbled when your Glee Club made my sister's funeral so very touching! In fact, I was so moved that I have spent the entire year being nothing but kind to you people.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Today's only the second day of school.

Sue Sylvester: You have no right to disturb the learning environment of this school by playing your jangly national anthem on Liberace's piano.

Nancy Bletheim: Thank you.

Sue Sylvester: You're welcome. I have no idea who you are.

Nancy Bletheim: I'm Nancy Bletheim. I teach geometry. I've been teaching here for 42 years.

Sue Sylvester: So awkward.

Nancy Bletheim: Those artsy kids, they think they can get away with anything. People who call themselves "artists" think the rules don't apply to them. It's so arrogant. Bless you, Sue Sylvester. You got my vote.

Blaine Anderson: You're quiet.

Kurt Hummel: No. I'm being passive-aggressive. You promised that by the first day of school, you'd make a decision. And yet, there you sit, cute as ever, but still in your Warblers blazer.

Blaine Anderson: I can't just bail on the Warblers. Those guys are my friends.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, all right, fine. One final sales pitch, and then we can talk about making over Nancy Grace.

Blaine Anderson: Okay.

Kurt Hummel: If you stay at Dalton, you and I are competitors.

Blaine Anderson: That's true.

Kurt Hummel: And I'm just not sure that our budding love can survive that.

Blaine Anderson: Let me get this straight. I have to transfer because you're just afraid that I'm going to beat you at Sectionals?

Kurt Hummel: No, I'm afraid that I'm going to beat you.

Blaine Anderson: Ooh, ooh, yeah.

Kurt Hummel: And I know what that does to you when I win. Look, I mean, honestly, I-I just... I just want to see you more. Yeah, I want my senior year to be magic, and the only way that's gonna happen is if I get to spend every minute of every day with you.

Quinn Fabray: Senior year, and I've finally found myself. I'm not sure what the tipping point was-- dyeing my hair, the nose ring, my ironic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest-- but one thing I know, I'm never going back.

Santana Lopez: Quinn, look, this is our senior year, and, frankly, being on the Cheerios isn't the same without you.

Quinn Fabray: You guys are such suckers for going back to Coach Sylvester.

Santana Lopez: Come on, screw her. This is for us. We could win two national championships this year. We joined the Cheerios together, we joined Glee Club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year.

Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-hmm.

Santana Lopez: We're like besties for life.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. Come on, Quinn. You know, we used to be like the Three Musketeers, and now Santana and I are like Almond Joy, and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.

Quinn Fabray: You guys never understood the pressure I was under. It sucked. I'm not interested in the boys or the makeup or the polyester outfits.

Santana Lopez: Look, I've got a bar of soap and a bottle of peroxide with your name on it in my locker. Come on, Quinn, you can't break up the unholy trinity.

Quinn Fabray: People grow apart. Deal with it. I've got new friends now, and they accept me for who I am.

Quinn Fabray: We call ourselves "The Skanks."

Sheila: I'm Sheila.

Ronnie: I'm Ronnie.

The Mack: They call me "The Mack" because I like to make out with truckers at the rest stop. It's kind of a double meaning thing.

Sheila: I once ate cat poo.

Rachel Berry: Hey, Quinn. Hello... Skanks.

Ronnie: Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn.

Rachel Berry: We were friends once. Okay? And maybe when you cut off all your hair last year and thought it would solve all your problems, I should have spoken up. Maybe when you dropped out of society this summer and started dating that 40-year-old skateboarder, I should have said...

Quinn Fabray: I'm not coming back to Glee Club.

Rachel Berry: We need you. O-O-Okay? Have you seen those-those purple pianos around school? We're planning this... this big, you know, recruiting number, and it's going to be a tribute to the Go-Go's. I mean, who doesn't love the Go-Go's?

Sheila: I prefer the Bangles.

Rachel Berry: Okay. We need your... your tremulous alto and your Belinda Carlisle glamour.

The Mack: I'll give you ten bucks if you let me beat her up for you, Quinn.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry you're so sad, Quinn. And... maybe you're not going to believe me because we were never really close, but I'm sad not seeing you in the choir room. And we've all been through so much together. We're a family, and this is our year to get it right. We would love to have you back in the Glee Club whenever you're ready. Okay?

Andrea Carmichael: ...making it the zoo's bloodiest weekend in over six years.

Rod Remington: That's what I call "panda-monium." Now let's hitch a ride over to Sue's Corner with congressional candidate Sue Sylvester.

Andrea Carmichael: Take it away, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Western Ohio, ever since the start of my campaign to replace Ken "My Heart Stopped Beating and I Died" Weigand, I've been trying to be positive. Well, you know what, Fourth Congressional District? Unless it's a day she's being screened for hepatitis, this gal's not positive. And you know what's getting me down, Western Ohio? The arts in public schools. Why? Because America is failing. China is on our ass, people. This isn't the 1960s anymore, when jobs were plentiful. And it's not personal, Will Schuester. The arts are expensive, and we can't afford it anymore. That's why, tonight, I'm making a pledge, Fourth Congressional District. If you honor me by electing me your representative, I will suspend all public school arts programs, and reject all...

Will Schuester: You've got to be kidding me.

Sue Sylvester: ... federal and state funding for the arts until every single student reads at or above grade level. Until then, parents, if you'd like your teenager to join the Glee Club or play a doorman in a boring four-hour play about what it's like to be a middle-aged gay New Yorker, feel free to pay for it yourself. But until Ohio's kids can compete again, it won't be on the taxpayer dime. And that's how Sue... sees it.

Will Schuester: She can't do this!

Sue Sylvester: William, it's important you don't take this so personally.

Will Schuester: First of all, Sue, you ruined a piece of private property.

Sue Sylvester: Allegedly.

Will Schuester: Also, you got your facts all wrong. The arts help kids do better in school. Kids in the arts record the lowest instance of substance abuse.

Sue Sylvester: Tell that to Janis Joplin.

Will Schuester: So you see, Sue, I do take this personally. You're not just threatening an arts program. You're threatening my livelihood. I need job security. I'm in a relationship now. I-I'm... I'm thinking about starting a family.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, how is it going with Emma? I'm sure everything in the bedroom is just completely normal.

Will Schuester: Yes! No. It's so frustrating. I get the green light, and then the... the red light comes just as quickly.

Sue Sylvester: William... allow me to ladle you a piping hot bowl of "this is how it is." I'm done squabbling with you, okay? I'm on the national stage in the white-hot stare of the public eye. You know, ever since my "Sue's Corner" last night, I've made tremendous gains in the polls, and I'm neck and neck with that rapist running from prison. So I got bigger fish to fry than you and your little Glee Club. So truce for now, macaroni hair. Oh, and William, just know, if you do anything to derail my bullet train to power, I'll destroy you.

Sue Sylvester: Ladies, I put plastic on your chairs in anticipation of this announcement, so feel free to wet yourselves with excitement. You are my Cheerio co-captains.

Becky Jackson: What?!

Santana Lopez: Wait. Co-captains? With... No. No way. Uh-uh.

Becky Jackson: I can't work with her!

Santana Lopez: Nah, nah, nah, see, let me tell you how this gon' be, if I may. When I look at a person, I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy. So if you ever tell me what to do, I will end you.

Becky Jackson: Bring it, sandbags!

Sue Sylvester: Ladies, I am aroused. However, we have a more pressing issue at hand. There are purple pianos polluting this school, and I will seem weak if it appears I cannot control my own workspace. I want you to track down those pianos, take care of them. Make it look like an accident. Santana, you like playing both sides. Isn't that right? What team you playing for this year? Losers or the winners?

Santana Lopez: Team Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Glad to hear it.

Rachel Berry: Why are you guys ignoring Mr. Schuester's assignment?

Finn Hudson: Wait, is there a purple piano in here?

Mercedes Jones: Wow. How did any of us miss that?

Rachel Berry: Okay. We have to do the number. Okay?

Artie Abrams: We have to survive lunch. It's not fair that Mr. Shue put the piano in here. It's too much pressure.

Kurt Hummel: I agree. That is like wearing a red dress to a bullfight.

Rachel Berry: The point of the assignment was to find people who couldn't help but join, okay? The more people that we sing in front of, the more chances we have of getting one. Okay? It's simple mathematics.

Noah Puckerman: Which I stopped attending years ago.

Finn Hudson: No, no, hold on. Rachel's right. How's anyone supposed to believe we can go to Nationals if we don't even believe in ourselves?

Rachel Berry: Thank you.
# See the people walking down the street #
# Fall in line just watching all their feet #
# They don't know where they wanna go #
# They're walking in time #
# And they got the beat, they got the beat #
# They got the beat #
# Yeah, they got the beat #

Santana Lopez: # All the kids just getting out of school #
# They can't wait to hang out and be cool #
# Hang around till quarter after 12:00 #
# That's when we fall in line #
# They got the beat, they got the beat #
# Kids got the beat #
# Yeah, kids got the beat #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Go-go music really makes us dance #
# Do the pony, puts us in a trance #
# Do Watusi, just give us a chance #
# That's when we fall in line #
# 'Cause we got the beat, we got the beat #
# We got the beat #
# Yeah, we got it #

New Directions: # We got the beat #
# We got the beat #
# We got the beat #

Santana Lopez: # Everybody, get on your feet #

New Directions: # We got the beat #

Brittany S. Pierce: # We know you can dance to the beat #

New Directions: # We got the beat #

Rachel Berry: # Jumpin' get down #

New Directions: # We got the beat #

Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # Round and round and round #

New Directions: # Whoo! #

Brittany S. Pierce: # We got the beat #

New Directions: # We got the beat #

Rachel Berry: # We got the beat #

New Directions: # We got the beat #

Santana Lopez: # We got the beat #

New Directions: # We got the beat #

Rachel Berry: # Whoo! #

New Directions: # We got the beat #

Rachel Berry: # We got the beat #

New Directions: # We got the beat #
# We got the beat #
# We got the beat. #

Noah Puckerman: God, no.

Jacob Ben Israel: Food fight!

Brittany S. Pierce: Ugh.

Rachel Berry: Ugh.

Artie Abrams: I thought slushies were bad, but spaghetti sauce in the eye is so much worse.

Brittany S. Pierce: I have pepperoni in my bra.

Santana Lopez: Those are your nipples.

Mike Chang: Mr. Shue, if you are trying to break us down to rebuild us, it's working.

Mercedes Jones: Not one single person was inspired by our hot lunch jam to try out, Mr. Shue.

Sugar Motta: It's true. You guys sucked ass.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry. And you are?

Sugar Motta: I'm Sugar Motta. And I have self-diagnosed Asperger's, so I can pretty much say whatever I want. I'm like a diplomat's daughter.

Will Schuester: How can we help you, Sugar?

Sugar Motta: Here's the deal. I'm awesome, and I want to be a big, big star. And when I saw you guys singing and dancing in the cafeteria, I thought, "I am so much better than you." Sorry. Asperger's.

Will Schuester: Well, great. You see, guys? You have inspired an audition. Good job. Sugar, why don't you show us what you can do? You know, take your time. Whenever you're ready.

Kurt Hummel: Sugar Motta. Why does that name sound familiar?

Mercedes Jones: Oh, her daddy's the rich dude that donated the purple pianos.

Sugar Motta: Get ready to taste some sweet ear candy. Hit it, hottie.
# The minute you walked in the joint #
# I could see you were a man of distinction #
# A real big spender #
# Good-looking, so refined #
# Wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? #

Artie Abrams: Her ears should get to park in my handicapped spot.

Sugar Motta: # Hey, big spender #
# Spend... oh #
# A little time #
# With me #
# Yeah. #

Will Schuester: Holy sh... Sugar.

Sugar Motta: Text me re: our rehearsal "skedge."

Will Schuester: Of course.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Shue, stop speaking. Okay. Uh, Sugar... we'll be in touch. Thank you. Bye. Okay, I think I speak for everyone when I say-- never gonna happen.

Will Schuester: Guys, I know she was a little rough, but we have always had the policy that anyone who tries out gets in.

Rachel Berry: You're not doing her any good sheltering Sugar from the truth, okay? High school is where you learn survival of the fittest. She's going to drag the New Directions! down, and that's not fair for those of us who don't want to spend our lives rotting in this insignificant town. You said the other day that you would do anything to get us to Nationals. Okay, and she is going to keep us from winning that elusive crown. If anything, she's going to kill all of our chances.

Will Schuester: I just can't look a kid in the eye and say, "You're not good enough to be in Glee Club."

Shannon Beiste: Was she that bad?

Will Schuester: Sugar Motta was just... awful. I mean, I have never seen someone with so little musical talent. But that shouldn't have anything to do with being a part of a club.

Shannon Beiste: So make her water boy or mascot or something. That's what I do with my hardest luck cases. You know how many guys I cut last week? 60. And all of them with big dreams. And I crushed 'em like pigs in a blanket.

Will Schuester: How? I mean, doesn't that just eat you up?

Shannon Beiste: Of course. But it's my job to put the guys I take in the best position to win. It's the same as you.

Will Schuester: The arts are different than football.

Shannon Beiste: You win Nationals this year, you're buying that Glee Club ten more years.

Emma Pillsbury: Curve ball-- so you just passed "undecided" and "anyone white" in the polls. It looks like our anti-arts platform is actually working.

Shannon Beiste: Maybe I should rough her up a little bit. Go all Deliverance on her or something, huh?

Will Schuester: No. This is my fight. It's my program she wants to cut, and my kids.

Shannon Beiste: What are you going to do?

Will Schuester: Something I should have done a long time ago. Sue wants to declare war on the arts? Well, General Schuester is about to launch a counteroffensive.

Emma Pillsbury: So this is what being turned on feels like.

Rachel Berry: It all seems so hopelessly provincial now. I mean, once you've performed on the stage of the Gershwin Theatre and felt the lights of Broadway on your face for the first time...

Kurt Hummel: Nothing else compares.

Rachel Berry: What's the purple piano doing here?

Kurt Hummel: Well, I commandeered it to help us get ready for our NYADA mixer. Whatever rejects show up at that place, are gonna be expecting Pepperidge Farm cookies and punch, not Velma and Roxie. We need to intimidate those wannabes into never wanting to audition against us.

Rachel Berry: Genius! Wicked again?

Kurt Hummel: No. Before there was Wicked, there was...

Rachel Berry: Don't even finish that sentence. Hit it!
# Once there was a wicked witch in the lovely land of Oz #
# And a wickeder, wickeder, wickeder witch #
# There never, ever was #

Kurt Hummel: # She filled the folks in Munchkinland #
# With terror and with dread #
# Till one fine day from Kansas #

Kurt & Rachel: # A house fell on her head #
# And the coroner pronounced her... #
# Dead #

Rachel Berry: # And through the town #
# The joyous news went runnin' #
# The joyous news #
# That the wicked old witch was finally done in #
# Ding-dong, the Witch is dead #

Kurt Hummel: # Which old Witch? #

Rachel Berry: # Well, uh, the Wicked Witch! #

Kurt Hummel: # Oh #

Rachel Berry: # Ding-dong, the Wicked Witch is dead #

Kurt Hummel: # Oh, yeah, happy day #

Rachel Berry: # Wake up, you sleepy head #

Kurt Hummel: # Rub your eyes #

Rachel Berry: # And get out of that bed #
# Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead #
# She's gone where the goblins go #
# Below, below, below #
# Yo-ho, let's open up and sing #

Rachel Berry: # And ring those bells out #

Kurt Hummel: # Sing the news out #

Rachel Berry: # Ding-dong, the merry-oh #
# Sing it high, sing it low #
# Let them know the Wicked ol' Witch is dead! #

Kurt Hummel: # Why, everyone's glad she took such a crownin' #

Rachel Berry: # Gettin' hit by a house is even worse than drownin' #

Kurt & Rachel: # Let 'em know the wicked ol' Witch is dead! #

Rachel Berry: Those kids are never even gonna know what hit them.

Sue Sylvester: Ladies, the key to successful Cheerios tryouts is in brutal honesty. Actually, maybe just brutality, as I have no intention of bringing anyone new in. I just basically want to see people cry. Hit it!

Becky Jackson: Terrible!

Santana Lopez: What is wrong with you?

Becky Jackson: Next.

Sue Sylvester: Well, well, well, Wavy Gravy, Dr. Zaius. To what do I owe this pleasure?

Will Schuester: Candidate Sylvester, To what do I owe this pleasure? Every tiny grain of this glitter represents a kid whose dream won't come true if you get elected and end school arts programs. John F. Kennedy once said, "The arts are the roots of our culture." The arts enrich our lives and help kids achieve in all walks of life. Sue Sylvester... you just got glitter-bombed. You get that? Okay, come on. Come on.

Sue Sylvester: Becky, I need the two of you to escort me to my hyperbaric chamber, as I have glitter in my eyes.

Blaine Anderson: Hey, you.

Kurt Hummel: Well, aren't you a sight for these sore eyes.

Blaine Anderson: Bad day?

Kurt Hummel: Bad week, more like it. Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at Warbler practice? You know, putting fine tuning touches on our new Katy Perry showstopper?

Blaine Anderson: Okay, for someone who loves clothes so much, I can't believe you haven't noticed that I'm not in my Warbler outfit.

Kurt Hummel: Wait, wait... Wait-wait-- you didn't do this for me, did you? Because if you did this for me, I mean, it would be very romantic for one, but it could lead to resentment, which could lead to anger, which could lead to a horrible, horrible, nasty breakup like, you know, on The Bachelorette, when we watched that...

Blaine Anderson: Hey, I came here for me. Because I can't stand to be apart from the person I love.

Kurt Hummel: Well, I guess we'll just have to find a way to ease you into the New Directions now, huh?

Blaine Anderson: I've already have that figured out.

Blaine Anderson: # It's not unusual to be loved by anyone #
# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone #
# But when I see you hanging about with anyone #
# It's not unusual to see me cry #
# I wanna die #
# It's not unusual to go out at any time #
# But when I see you out and about it's such a crime #
# If you should ever want to be loved by anyone #
# It's not unusual #
# It happens every day #
# No matter what you say #
# You find it happens all the time #
# Love will never do #
# What you want it to #
# Why can't this crazy love be mine? #
# It's not unusual to be mad with anyone #
# It's not unusual to be sad with anyone #
# But if I ever find that you've changed at any time #
# It's not unusual to find out I'm in love with you #
# Whoa-whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh #
# Whoa-whoa, whoa-oh #
# Whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh #
# Whoa-whoa. #

Rachel Berry: Okay, so you're gonna set up the props, I'll plug in the boombox, and we'll launch immediately into the number.

Kurt Hummel: Mm-hum.

Rachel Berry: Our somewhat-talented but sadly delusional competition will just rip up their applications in fits of jealous rage.

Kurt Hummel: And then they'll all just melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West herself!

Rachel Berry: You know what? I kinda feel sorry for them.

Kurt Hummel: Me, too.

Harmony: Hi, I'm Harmony. What's your name, where are you from, and what are your credits?

Rachel Berry: Well, I'm, I'm Rachel.

Pendleton: I'm Pendleton!

Canada: I'm Canada!

Gavroche: I'm Gavroche, named after ze feisty French street urchin from Les Mis!

Harmony: I know you totally recognize me. It's 'cause I'm the Gerber baby. I've been acting since I was a fetus... literally. An ultrasound of me was featured on Murder She Wrote.

Gavroche: I'm starring as Rizzo in an all-male production of Grease. Welcome, welcome, welcome! As my future husband Robert Pattinson always says, "It's refreshing to get new blood."

Kurt Hummel: Oh! New blood?

Harmony: We've been meeting here each month since we were freshmen, literally.

Rachel Berry: Well, actually Kurt and I just found out about this on Monday. But speaking of "refreshing," we've put together a number that we think you guys...

Harmony: Places! You're just in time to see a little number we've been futzing around with. Thank God there was a bar mitzvah here on Saturday. And I convinced them not to strike the stage. So sit back, relax, and most importantly, enjoy.

Rachel Berry: Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God...

Rachel Berry: Just, just breathe and smile, okay? Just 'cause they look like us and act like us doesn't mean they're better than us.

Harmony: # Times have changed! #
# And we've often rewound the clock #
# Since the Puritans got a shock #
# When they landed on Plymouth Rock! #
# If today #
# Any shock they should try to stem #
# 'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock #
# Plymouth Rock would land on them! #
# In olden days #
# A glimpse of stocking #
# Was looked on as something shocking #
# But now God knows #
# Anything goes! #
# Good authors, too, who once knew better words #
# Now only use four-letter words writing prose #
# Anything goes #
# Anything you can be, I can be greater #
# Sooner or later, I'm greater than you #

NYADA Hopefuls: # No, you're not! #

Harmony: # Yes, I am #

NYADA Hopefuls: # No, you're not! #

Harmony: # Yes, I am #

NYADA Hopefuls: # No, you're not! #

Harmony: # Yes, I am, yes, I am! #

NYADA Hopefuls: # The world has gone mad today and good's bad today #
# Black's white today and day's night today #
# When most guys today that women prize today #
# Are just silly gigolos! #
# Any note you can hold, I can hold longer #

Harmony: # I can hold any note longer than you #

NYADA Hopefuls: # No, you can't, no, you can't #

Harmony: # Yes, I can, yes, I can #

NYADA Hopefuls: # No, you can't #

Harmony: # Yes, I can #

NYADA Hopefuls: # No, you can't, no, no... #

Harmony: # Yes, I... #

NYADA Hopefuls: # Anything goes #

Harmony: # Yes... I... #

NYADA Hopefuls: # No... you... #

Harmony: # Can... #

NYADA Hopefuls: # Can't... #
# Anything goes. #

Rachel Berry: I've never, I've never been so humiliated in my life.

Kurt Hummel: Me, either. And that's a really high bar.

Rachel Berry: I mean, they were so...

Kurt Hummel: Fabulous. Rachel, we might be hot stuff at McKinley, but outside those walls, we aren't even stuff. I mean, we've been deluded and arrogant. What if we're not good enough to make it?

Rachel Berry: No. There's only one thing to do. We just have to move to another town and just erase our identities and just resign to a sad life of community theater.

Kurt Hummel: Don't say that.

Rachel Berry: Nun-Sense, Love Letters, The Vagina Monologues. Face it, I mean, this is our future. Not everyone's dreams come true.

Kurt Hummel: You know what? I'm ending this pity party right now. Okay. Take a look at yourself. What do you see? Come on.

Rachel Berry: Sad, puffy, red eyes filled with dashed hopes and dreams.

Kurt Hummel: Rachel Berry. One of a kind. There's no one like you.

Rachel Berry: Well, that's actually kind of funny, because it seems like there is.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, fine, so you've never been in a high school production. Or any production, because, you know, Cabaret was canceled and so was Rocky Horror.

Rachel Berry: Mm-mm. They had credits, Kurt. In utero credits.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, so they have more experience. They have more talent. But you are fierce, Rachel. Your ambition does push-ups while you sleep. Nobody wants it more than you. Nobody. And you're not giving up on this. 'Cause I'm not gonna let you. You are getting into that school.

Rachel Berry: You make me want to be your boyfriend. You're getting in, too. I know it.

Kurt Hummel: I doubt it. I'm woefully thin on extracurriculars.

Rachel Berry: It's not too late. I mean, you could, you know, still sign up for some clubs. There's the student council. I'm not the only fierce one. Swear it. We're gonna do this.

Kurt Hummel: You realize we just did the gay high-five.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, we did.

Emma Pillsbury: Rise and shine, sleepyhead. Come on.

Will Schuester: I don't want to go to school today.

Emma Pillsbury: I know.

Will Schuester: It's the right thing to do for the club, the greater good. I just can't kill a kid's dream. I can't do it.

Emma Pillsbury: Will, you glitter-bombed Sue. This week, you stopped being a man of words, and you became a man of action. And it was super-hot.

Sugar Motta: Obviously your ears are busted because I worked that song like a hooker pole. It's no biggie. I'll come in and I'll do it again.

Will Schuester: Sugar, I'm sorry... you can't sing. The answer is no. But I love your enthusiasm, and I'd be so happy to work with you so that...

Sugar Motta: You know what? Who cares what you think? Hmm? Nobody. You're a washed-up Broadway wannabe who's stuck in Lima and has led the Glee Club to how many National wins? Oh, I'm sorry, zero. Not Asperger's!

Sue Sylvester: Nicely played, William. You know, I have to say, I'm really enjoying this new stink of man marbles wafting off of you this year.

Will Schuester: I did not enjoy doing that, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your little pixie dust hate crime. You know, it took Becky three hours to pick the glitter from my scalp like a little chimp.

Will Schuester: Good. I hope it taught you a lesson.

Sue Sylvester: It did, Will. It taught me that everyone loves a martyr. The day after your little video went up on YouTube, I went up seven points in the polls. Turns out, your hate is a lot like high-octane Sue-fluid.

Will Schuester: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Glee Club's newest member, Blaine Anderson.

Blaine Anderson: Thanks so much, everyone. I'm so thrilled to be here. It's gonna be a great year, I can feel it. We're all gonna go to Nationals.

New Directions: Yeah.

Will Schuester: Is there a problem, guys?

Finn Hudson: I just want Blaine to know that we're not the Warblers. You know, we're not into the bells and whistles or the ball hogging, you know?

Blaine Anderson: I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?

Finn Hudson: Well, yeah, you set a bonfire in our courtyard.

Santana Lopez: Actually, Doorknob, that was an act of political protest.

Will Schuester: Which leads me to the next order of business. Santana, you need to leave. It was you and the Cheerios who set fire to our piano. How could you do that?

Santana Lopez: Mr. Shue, Sue made me.

Will Schuester: Brittany didn't do it.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, yeah, I was gonna help, but I don't know, I'm a water sign, so...

Will Schuester: You're banned from Glee. Don't come back unless you can be as loyal to this club as the rest of the people in this room.

Santana Lopez: You know what? I could use a break.

Mercedes Jones: You know, good for you, Mr. Shue. It's about time we got some allegiance up in here.

Will Schuester: I said it before and I will say it again-- we want to win Nationals this year, we need to be united. Rachel, you had an announcement?

Rachel Berry: Yeah. Um, after pushing the envelope last year, I strongly believe that we should secure the rights to a, shall we say, less controversial show for our school musical. Wait for it. West Side Story.

Brittany S. Pierce: Is that the one with the cats?

Rachel Berry: And it just so happens to have a lead role that showcases my talent and essence perfectly: Maria.

Mercedes Jones: For which there will be open auditions, right? Because Mercedes is feeling extremely pretty this year.

Will Schuester: Kurt, you had something, too, right?

Kurt Hummel: Kurt Hummel is wading into McKinley High's shark- infested political waters and ruing for senior class president. All right, I thank you in advance for your votes.

Will Schuester: Okay. So much excitement. Now let's rehearse.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Look at what they did to us, Mr. Shue. Just like these purple pianos, they ripped out our guts, threw crap all over us and burned us up.

Will Schuester: Yeah. We got hit pretty hard. But... these pianos are still making music. And so are we.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Shue, as always, you and I are on the exact same page.
# You can't stop an avalanche #
# As it races down the hill #
# You can try to stop the seasons #
# But you know you never will #
# And you can try to stop my dancing feet #
# But I just cannot stand still #
# 'Cause the world keeps spinning round and round #
# And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound #
# I was lost till I heard the drums #
# Then I found my way #
# 'Cause you can't stop the beat #
# Five, six, seven, eight!

Finn & Rachel: # Ever since this old world began #
# A woman found out if she shook it, she could shake up a man #
# And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it #
# The best that I can today #
# 'Cause you can't stop #
# The motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky #
# You can wonder if you wanna, but I never ask why #
# If you try to hold me down #
# I'm gonna spit in your eye and say #
# That you can't stop the beat #

Mercedes Jones: # You can't stop today #

New Directions: # No #

Mercedes Jones: # As it comes speeding down the track #

New Directions: # Ooh, child, yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # Child, yesterday is history #

New Directions: # Be gone #

Mercedes Jones: # And it's never coming back #
# 'Cause tomorrow is a brand-new day #
# And it don't know white from black #

New Directions: # Yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # 'Cause the world keeps spinning round and round #
# And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound #
# I was lost till I heard the drums, then I found my way #
# 'Cause you can't stop the beat #

New Directions: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Ever since we first saw the sun #
# A man and woman like to shake it when the day is done #
# So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it #
# And have some fun today #
# 'Cause you can't stop #
# The motion of the ocean or the rain from above #
# You can try to stop the paradise we're dreaming of #
# But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay #
# You can't stop the beat #

New Directions: # You can't stop the beat #
# You can't stop the beat #
# You can't stop the beat #
# You can't stop the beat #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, yeah! #

Finn Hudson: Yeah!

Ian Brennan: So, Here is what you missed on Glee: Quinn's got a new look, and a new crowd of Skanks. Kurt got Blaine to join the New Directions, which is good, because Santana got kicked out, and Sugar Motta wasn't good enough to get in.

Sugar Motta: Who cares what you think?

Ian Brennan: McKinley's doing West Side Story, and Kurt and Rachel need the leads so they can get into NYADA. Sue's using her run for Congress to come after the arts. Believe it or not, still not a big fan of the Glee Club. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Brittany S. Pierce: I really like your outfit. And I think you're, like, fabulous, and I just love everything that you do.

Kurt Hummel: Why, thank you, Brit.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, I really want to run your campaign for president. Out of all the kids at the school, I think that you are the biggest unicorn.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry?

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn, and he, he becomes a unicorn, and he poops out cotton candy, until he forgets he's magical. And then his horn falls off. And black unicorns, they becomes zebras.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, that's... that's a terrifying story.

Brittany S. Pierce: No, it's not. No, okay. No. The point is, is that... a unicorn is sebody who knows they're magical, and isn't afraid to show it. You went through hell last year, and you never forgot how special you were. And I've slept with a lot of people, and am really popular, so I think I could get you mega votes.

Kurt Hummel: Then why don't you just run?

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm not smart enough.

Mrs. Hagberg: What's the capital of Ohio? Brittany.

Brittany S. Pierce: O.

Mrs. Hagberg: What? Do you even know who the president is?

Brittany S. Pierce: Will.i.am.

Kurt Hummel: Well, Brit, I have to say that I'm, I'm flattered. And really excited.

Brittany S. Pierce: Cool. Okay, I'll come over after school, and we'll work on your campaign posters. I got a lot of great ideas.

Kurt Hummel: Great. Great, uh... I'll see you then.

Brittany S. Pierce: Sweet.

Will Schuester: All right, New Directions! Big news. As you all know, Vocal Adrenaline came in second last year at Nationals.

Finn Hudson: The only good thing to come out of that lost weekend. Besides us getting back together.

Will Schuester: Well, the boosters at Carmel don't donate tens of thousands of dollars every year to come in second. So they fired Dustin Goolsby...

Artie Abrams: So handsome.

Will Schuester: ... and they're having trouble finding a new coach. Seems that no one wants to take on that pressure cooker.

Tina Cohen-Chang: That means they're vulnerable.

Will Schuester: Yes. And if we work hard enough, we can beat them. Which is why I've realized that, um... I can't direct the musical this year.

Rachel Berry: But, Mr. Shue, you can't cancel the musical. My New York dreams depend on it.

Will Schuester: I'm not cancelling it, I'm just not directing it. My sole focus has to be in here. Nationals, Nationals, Nationals. And it's not just me that's going to have to focus harder this year. I've been too easy on you. So every day after choir practice I'm instituting a mandatory "Booty Camp," so that we can work on our dancing. Now, it's not for all of you— just the people that I think need help. Like...

Finn Hudson: Finn.

Will Schuester: How did you know? And Puckerman, Hummel.

Kurt Hummel: I must protest.

Mike Chang: You kind of have one move, Kurt. It's like this... sashay, and it's super distracting.

Will Schuester: Jones.

Mercedes Jones: What? Hell to the nizzy-no.

Will Schuester: You told me once you were Beyonce. You don't think she spends extra time in the dance studio? Mike Chang has offered to be my assistant. And we start tomorrow and yes, Puckerman, it is mandatory.

Blaine Anderson: Mr. Schuester, would you mind if I dropped by for a little bit? I really need to catch up with you guys.

Rachel Berry: Okay, Mr. Shue, I'm glad that you're so concerned with our special needs members, but what about me? Okay? Who's going to direct the musical?

Will Schuester: Ladies and gentleman— your co-musical directors, Ms. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste. Now, Ms. Pillsbury did such a good job helping me out with Rocky Horror last year that I knew she could handle the job.

Shannon Beiste: And I'm here to keep the football guys in line. I've also talked them into playing the "Jets."

Rachel Berry: Mr. Shue, with all due respect to Ms. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste, this is crazy. They have absolutely zero experience in directing a musical.

Shannon Beiste: Not true. In college, I was in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. I played the Forum.

Will Schuester: The teachers at this school are already overworked and unfortunately a lot of them agree with Sue that the arts are a waste of time. Besides, they are going to have some help. I've decided to include a student director this year.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Shue, I'm honored, but Barbra was 40 when she directed herself in Yentl, so it's just, it's too soon.

Brittany S. Pierce: I hate you.

Will Schuester: I was actually hoping that Artie would take the job.

Artie Abrams: Me? I've developed my whole persona around conflict avoidance.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Come on, Artie, you've made short films, directing is your dream. You can do it.

Artie Abrams: I'm in.

Will Schuester: All right.

Shelby Corcoran: You still make a mean cup of coffee?

Will Schuester: Shelby. What are you— what are you doing here?

Shelby Corcoran: It's the teachers' lounge, isn't it? It's where all the teachers hang out.

Will Schuester: Yeah...

Shelby Corcoran: I'm a teacher here now. Well, part-time. You ever hear of this guy named Al Motta?

Principal Figgins: Mr. Motta, just so I'm clear, in exchange for this very generous donation all I have to do is hire Ms. Corcoran to start a second show choir at McKinley which features your daughter?

Al Motta: For which I will cover any and all expenses. My Sugar's a Super Nova, Figgy.

Principal Figgins: You have a deal. Mrs. Denny-Brown! Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check! Wipe away!

Shelby Corcoran: They actually sent a headhunter to track me down in New York. Apparently I am the best show choir director money can buy. Don't worry, I'm not going to poach any of your kids.

Will Schuester: I'm less worried about that than about the fact that you being here is going to be really hard on Rachel.

Shelby Corcoran: I appreciate that. I plan on reaching out to her.

Will Schuester: What about Puck and Quinn?

Shelby Corcoran: Lima's where I made a series of mistakes that defined me for 16 years. Lima's where I... I have to make things right again. I know that seems impossible, but I have to try.

Will Schuester: Okay. I will take you at your word. But as for your little Glee Club... the more arts at this school the better. So, may the best Glee Club win.

Shelby Corcoran: We will.

Quinn Fabray: Give us your lunch money.

Ronnie: We're hungry. We need something to barf back up.

Sheila: Don't test me. I was a foster kid, which means I'm used to stabbing people.

Sophmore: You're so mean...

The Mack: That's right. It's what passed for love in my house.

Sue Sylvester: Skanks, I've got to talk to that lady alone. First of all, smoking kills. Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn't it?

Quinn Fabray: Sorry, Coach, but you have no power over me anymore, 'cause I've got nothing left to lose.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, Q, I look at you and I'm stunned. You've never looked worse. You've lost your child, your boyfriend, your rep, and worse, your high pony. You know who I blame? The Glee Club. You know, when you were in my grasp, you were at the top of the pyramid. But then you joined the Glee Club, and became lost, forced to sway in the background. Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble of your thin, forgettable alto.

Quinn Fabray: Thanks.

Sue Sylvester: What if I were to offer you the chance to get revenge on the Glee Club and become a star? My Congressional campaign is producing a video: a day in the life of a girl from whom the arts stole everything. And I think I've found my girl.

Quinn Fabray: First, a few demands. I need thrift store couches under the bleachers. I've realized that after smoking all day, it hurts to stand.

Sue Sylvester: Fair enough. Quinn Fabray, you have a deal.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. We're going to make 100,000 copies of each poster. And then... We'll ve each student a swag bag full of this: We're going to call it "Kurt Hummel's Bulging Pink Fun Sack."

Kurt Hummel: Well, I... you know, I don't know what to say.

Brittany S. Pierce: That happens to me all the time. My lips move, but only dust comes out.

Kurt Hummel: You know, I appreciate the enthusiasm. But... you know, it's just all wrong. I think it's just, you know, a tad too...

Brittany S. Pierce: Unicorn?

Kurt Hummel: Gay. I feel like I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says, you know, "GAY-DIDDY-GAY, GAY GAY-GAY-GAY!"

Brittany S. Pierce: I mean, you'll need a long extension cord, but I love it.

Kurt Hummel: I'm joking.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, next time you make a joke, nudge me in the ribs or, like, honk a horn or something.

Kurt Hummel: Look, I don't just want to be known as, you know, "Kurt Hummel, Homo."

Brittany S. Pierce: What's wrong with that? Look, 99% of the kids at the school are either freaks, or closet freaks. The captain of the football squad, he gets the job, but he doesn't represent the people. That's why we need a unicorn.

Kurt Hummel: And I agree with the sentiment, I just want something, you know, toned down a tad. I came up with a campaign poster, too. Okay?

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay.

Kurt Hummel: Ta-da! Hmm? It's understated, yet elegant. Inspired, of course, by the classic Blackglama fur coat ads. Rumor has it that Judy Garland— down on her luck and thin as a baby bird— stole her Blackglama mink coat after her photo shoot. And it wasn't even lined yet.

Brittany S. Pierce: You should tell that story during your campaign speech. It's like... so unicorn.

Quinn Fabray: I don't have time for this. Gotta meet the Skanks on the roof. Gonna throw ketchup-covered tampons at the marching band. You're back.

Shelby Corcoran: Yeah, I went to New York. Thought I'd do it all, the whole working mother thing. But when I was in rehearsal, even... even performing, I couldn't stop thinking about Beth. How I could miss her milestones, you know? Her first steps, first words... first arabesque.

Quinn Fabray: I get it.

Shelby Corcoran: So when I got this job offer, I couldn't refuse. I've missed so many firsts in Rachel's life. I was not about to do that with Beth.

Quinn Fabray: Neat story, but I'm late for a meeting on the roof.

Noah Puckerman: Quinn, just listen to her.

Shelby Corcoran: Hey. Look. Since the day that I gave Rachel up for adoption, I have been walking through life searching for her face everywhere I go. Imagining what she's doing, what she may be like... I don't want you to go through what I went through. Part of me is-is back here because... because I want you to get to know Beth. I want you to be a part of her life.

Quinn Fabray: When do I get to see her?

Shelby Corcoran: Are you okay? What's going on with you? Are you even in Glee anymore?

Quinn Fabray: Did you come here just to torment me with the idea of seeing my child?

Shelby Corcoran: Look. I want you to be a part of Beth's life. But not like this. If you're really serious about Beth, clean up your act.

Quinn Fabray: You think you can tell me what to do? Just cause you signed a couple of papers? You're not her mom! I'm her mom!

Noah Puckerman: Quinn...

Quinn Fabray: Me! So... You can pretend all you want, but that is something you are never going to be.

Mercedes Jones: Listen, Mr. Shue, I'm all for participating, but Shay says I'm more of a park and bark and I tend to agree.

Finn Hudson: A what and what?

Mercedes Jones: Park and bark— I stand center stage singing the notes no one else can while all of you guys dance around me.

Will Schuester: Booty Camp is about all of you dancing, Mercedes. In unison. I mean, look at Vocal Adrenaline. When they're in synch— one big terrifying machine, they're unstoppable. Mike, do your thing. Let's go.

Mike Chang: The jazz square, the grapevine, step-touch, the kick ball change, and pivot. We perfect these basics, we'll win Nationals. Grapevine to the right. Five, six, seven, eight.

Will Schuester: Keep it going.

Noah Puckerman: I— am— in— hell.

Kurt Hummel: I'm going to put my light under a bushel, if only to shine brighter for the auditions tomorrow.

Blaine Anderson: I'm still trying to decide between "Maria" and "Something's Coming."

Kurt Hummel: Those are Tony songs. Are you auditioning for Tony, too?

Blaine Anderson: Would that be weird?

Kurt Hummel: No, no, not at all. You'd be a great Tony. Be the perfect Tony actually, in some respects.

Mike Chang: Finn, you look like you're stepping on bees. Come on, Mercedes, blend.

Blaine Anderson: Well, except I'm a junior. Tony's the lead. Which means that a senior should probably play that part.

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, that is kind of how it works, huh?

Blaine Anderson: I'd be fine with Bernardo or Officer Krupke. as long as it was opposite your Tony.

Will Schuester: Kurt, jazz hands.

Kurt Hummel: Fine.

Rachel Berry: # La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah #
# La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah #
# La-ah... #

Shelby Corcoran: Your range is better. It was impressive a year and a half ago, but it's even better now.

Rachel Berry: This is a private rehearsal.

Shelby Corcoran: What song are you auditioning with?

Rachel Berry: That's none of your business, okay? If you've come here to ask me to join your little group, the answer is no. My loyalty is to the New Directions. They're my family, and family means something— at least to me.

Shelby Corcoran: Rachel, like we talked about before I'm your birth mother.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, but not my mother. I know, okay? I almost had to go to therapy because of you.

Shelby Corcoran: Rachel...

Rachel Berry: Look, I-I'll be polite, okay? Don't worry, if I see you in the halls Il make eye contact and I'll nod. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my rehearsal.

Shelby Corcoran: "Somewhere there's a place for us."

Rachel Berry: I just said that there wasn't.

Shelby Corcoran: I'm talking about the song. I played Maria 18 times. "Somewhere" is the perfect audition song for you. You should do it.

Rachel Berry: Well, I was considering it. But it's a very challenging song so... I was just going to do "I Feel Pretty," which I'm actually amazing at.

Shelby Corcoran: You will never become a star or get the lead if you play it safe. Try it.

Rachel Berry: # There's a place for us #
# Somewhere a place for us #
# Peace and quiet and open air #
# Wait for us somewhere #

Shelby Corcoran: # There's a time for us #
# Someday a time for us #
# Time together with time to spare #
# Time to learn #
# Time to care #
# Someday #

Rachel Berry: # Somewhere #
# We'll find a new way of living #

Shelby Corcoran: # Oh, we'll find a way of forgiving #
# Somewhere #

Rachel Berry: # Somewhere #

Rachel & Shelby: # There's a place for us #
# A time and a place for us #
# Hold my hand and we're halfway there #
# Hold my hand and I'll take you there #
# Somehow #
# Someday #
# Somewhere. #

Shannon Beiste: Whoo!

Sue Sylvester: Quinn Fabray used to be on top of the world. She had it all. But now she walks the hallways of McKinley High broken, alone. What happened, Quinn Fabray?

Quinn Fabray: I got involved in the arts.

Sue Sylvester: And now after a long day of snorting Splenda and cutting class, she kills the pain the only way she knows how— smoking corn starch.

Quinn Fabray: Wait, what?

Becky Jackson: Cut. The dummy could not remember her lines, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: Now remember, just like we rehearsed it.

Quinn Fabray: Mr. Schuester, I came here to give you a piece of my mind.

Will Schuester: What's going on here?

Sue Sylvester: Rolling.

Quinn Fabray: I used to have everything. Dated the quarterback of the football team, was the captain of the Cheerios. I was the prettiest, most popular girl at this school until I joined Glee Club, and then it all went to hell.

Sue Sylvester: This is campaign dynamite.

Quinn Fabray: I just want you to know that I am never coming back to Glee Club— ever. Do you understand? I hope you're happy.

Will Schuester: Ms. Fabray, wait. You know, there's only one person in this world that you care about and that's yourself.

Quinn Fabray: You have no idea...

Will Schuester: I'm not finished!

Becky Jackson: Whoa.

Will Schuester: You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long do you plan on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee Club that has been there for you over and over again. When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out, Mercedes even let you live at her house. And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a thank you. So now you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me that it's my fault? Well, then, I have something to say to you. Grow up. Would you turn that thing off?

Sue Sylvester: And... cut. Fantastic. I got... Oh, no, damn it. My finger was over the thingie. I didn't get any of that. Come on, Becky.

Becky Jackson: That was really sexy.

Noah Puckerman: Hey. I hope it's okay that I just stopped by.

Shelby Corcoran: How do you know where I live?

Noah Puckerman: Um, I have friends in law enforcement.

Shelby Corcoran: Noah, I told you, I want you to be a part of Beth's life, but on my terms. You can't just barge in on me like this.

Noah Puckerman: Here's a drug test. See? Totally clean. I also haven't had a drink since we talked— besides beer. I even did some homework. Turns out Napoleon, not just a dessert— he was a real dude.

Shelby Corcoran: Well, that is great. I'm— honestly I'm truly impressed. But having a relationship with a child isn't about little bursts of energy. This is a long-term commitment. Crap, she's awake. Hi, sweetie. Come here. Oh, that's it. Okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Noah Puckerman: My God, she looks like Quinn.

Shelby Corcoran: And you. She has that same dopey smile. Can you say hi?

Noah Puckerman: I was happy, you know, that she was with you, and it made it easier. I drew her a picture. It was supposed to be a clown, but it kind of turned out like a pig, so I call it a clown pig. It's kind of my own made-up animal.

Shelby Corcoran: Look what he drew us.

Noah Puckerman: Huh? Thought it might make her think of me. You don't think it will scare her, do you?

Shelby Corcoran: No. She'll be okay. She's tough. Do you want to hold her? Can he hold you? If he takes your blankie, can he hold you?

Noah Puckerman: I don't want to freak her out.

Shelby Corcoran: We'll work up to it.

Noah Puckerman: I'll do anything— anything to prove to you that I can be in her life. Please just give me that chance.

Shannon Beiste: Here you go, buddy.

Artie Abrams: Thanks, Coach. She's like my own private Jim Henson. Next.

Kurt Hummel: Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel. And I'll be auditioning for the role of Tony. The male lead.

Emma Pillsbury: That's great, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: I'll be performing the seminal, and in my case, semiautobiographical Broadway classic, "I'm the Greatest Star," from Funny Girl.

Shannon Beiste: Isn't that a Streisand song?

Kurt Hummel: I know what you're thinking, but I got written permission from the woman herself. Ms. Rachel Berry. And I'd also like to thank Cassius from my dad's tire shop for kindly constructing my audition scaffolding.

Artie Abrams: Okay, whenever you're ready.

Kurt Hummel: # I'm the greatest star #
# I am by far #
# But no one knows it #
# Wait, they're gonna hear a voice #
# A silver flute #
# Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah #
# They'll cheer each toot... #
# Hey, I hear it's terrific. Hmm... #
# When I expose it #
# Now, can't you see to look at me #
# That I'm a natural Camille? #
# As Camille, I just feel #
# I've so much to offer #
# Hey, listen, kid, I know I'd be divine because... #
# I'm a natural cougher #
# Some ain't got it, not a lump #
# I'm a great big clump of talent #
# Laugh! #
# They'll bend in half #
# Did you ever hear the story about the traveling salesman? #
# A thousand jokes #
# Stick around for the jokes. #
# A thousand faces, I reiterate #
# When you're gifted, then you're gifted #
# These are facts, I got no axe to grind #
# Hey, what are you, blind?!
# In all of the world so far #
# I'm the greatest star #
# I'm the greatest star #
# I am by far #
# But no one knows it #
# That's why I was born #
# I'll blow my horn #
# Till someone blows it #
# I'll light up like a light #
# Right up like a light #
# I'll flicker, then flare up #
# All the world's gonna stare up #
# Looking down, you'll never see me #
# Try the sky, 'cause that'll be me #
# I can make 'em cry, I can make 'em sigh #
# Someday they'll clamor for my dram-er #
# Have you guessed yet who's the best yet? #
# If you ain't, I'll tell you one more time #
# You bet your last dime #
# In all of the world so far #
# I am the greatest #
# Greatest star... #

Artie Abrams: Heck, yeah!

Shannon Beiste: Beautiful! Beautiful!

Noah Puckerman: Menthol 100's? Really, Skank?

Quinn Fabray: You can't be in here. It's the girls' bathroom.

Noah Puckerman: I'm always here; the stalls are cleaner. Hey, you need to lose the skank act and get it together.

Quinn Fabray: Look, everyone needs to leave me alone, because this is who I am.

Noah Puckerman: You look like a Real Housewife of Reno. I saw Beth.

Quinn Fabray: So?

Noah Puckerman: She's perfect. She looks just like you. Well, the old you.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, it doesn't matter. We're not parent material.

Noah Puckerman: We can be.

Quinn Fabray: We're never going to be together.

Noah Puckerman: I don't care about you, I care about her. I don't want her having questions or being messed up. She needs you in her life.

Shannon Beiste: Okay, Marias. For me, it's Rachel Berry. I'm just a huge fan. She's got the eye of the tiger, which I like. She's Jewish, but I think that helps with the whole Puerto Rican thing.

Emma Pillsbury: But we do have Mercedes Jones coming in. For my money, she has the most soulful voice here at McKinley.

Shannon Beiste: Yeah, she's not white, either, which I like for Maria. So we'll keep an open mind.

Emma Pillsbury: Okey-doke. Um, Kurt Hummel for Tony. I mean, let's talk about star quality, shall we?

Artie Abrams: Kurt was awesome.

Shannon Beiste: No question. He owned that song like it was his prison bitch. My thing is, Tony's supposed to be from the streets. He's the leader of the Jets, an alpha gang member. I look at Kurt, and I don't believe it.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, respectfully, Coach, Tony's retired from the Jets. He's a poet of the urban jungle. There is a delicate wholesomeness to Kurt that's unexpected, but not unwelcome, for Tony. I mean, if I were Maria, I'd love to be held in Kurt's toothpick arms on my fire escape.

Shannon Beiste: Listen, I love the kid, but I want a Tony that excites my lady parts. Hummel's too much of a lady.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, Artie, you know him best. Could Kurt, you know, could he pass?

Artie Abrams: I'm a firm believer in color-blind, non-traditional casting. For instance, I hope to play Porgy one day. And we should definitely see who else comes in. But, yeah, I'm a little worried that Kurt may be a little delicate for Tony.

Kurt Hummel: This is not the poster we agreed on!

Brittany S. Pierce: The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.

Kurt Hummel: I wanted something toned down!

Santana Lopez: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know why you're so upset. You're special; you need to embrace it. This is who you are.

Kurt Hummel: I'm not gonna win. Rachel, Rachel! I need you. I need you to come with me to the auditorium right now and help me audition for Tony again.

Rachel Berry: Last-minute emergency audition? Say no more.

Kurt Hummel: And stop putting up those posters!

Brittany S. Pierce: I failed my precious unicorn.

Santana Lopez: No. Look, this campaign is brilliant.

Brittany S. Pierce: Really?

Santana Lopez: Completely. And if he doesn't get it, then he doesn't deserve to have you as his campaign manager. There's no one like you. You're a genius, Brittany. You are the unicorn.

Emma Pillsbury: Are we seeing more ethnic Marias today?

Shannon Beiste: That's rude. Is there any more?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh. I'm sorry, I thought you two auditioned already.

Kurt Hummel: You heard me sing, but I wanted to show you the pure masculine power and intensity I would bring to Tony if and when you graced me with the part.

Artie Abrams: Sorry. Sorry.

Kurt Hummel: I've asked your obvious Maria-elect to do a cold reading with me, not from West Side Story, but from the play it's originally based on, William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Rachel Berry: And might I just add that I only read through the scene once ten minutes ago and I'm already off book.

Shannon Beiste: So you're playing Romeo, Kurt?

Kurt Hummel: Picture, if you will, Juliet's boudoir. Post coitus.

Rachel Berry: Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day. It was the nightingale, and not the lark, that pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear. Nightly she sings on yon pomegranate tree. Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.

Kurt Hummel: 'Tis the lark, the herald of the morn, no nightingale. Look, love, what envious streaks do lace the severing clouds in yonder east. Night candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops. I must be gone and live, or stay and die.

Rachel Berry: Thou light is not daylight, I know it, I. It is some meteor that the sun exhal'd, to be to thee a torch bearer, to light thee on thy way to Mantua. Therefore stay yet; thou need'st not be gone.

Kurt Hummel: Let me be ta'en, let me be put to death; for I am content, thou wilt have it so. I'll say that yon grey is not the morning eye. 'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia's brow... Nor-Nor that is not the lark, whose notes do beat the vaulty heaven so high above our heads. I have more care to stay than will to go: home, death, welcome! For Juliet wills it so...

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry. No, it's— kiss me. It's fine, you can kiss me. I don't... Kurt, I'm so sorry. Kurt.

Sugar Motta: # I am a shining star #
# I am a shining star, I am a shining... #

Shelby Corcoran: Okay, stop, stop. Stop!
# I am a shining star, I am a shining star #

Do you hear the difference?

Sugar Motta: Yeah, I sound good. You know, why don't you take the day off? I need to catch up on My Strange Addiction episodes, and you kind of have this irritating nasally quality that I can only take so much of. Sorry, Asperger's.

Quinn Fabray: She's hopeless, you know.

Shelby Corcoran: Nobody's hopeless. What happened to you, Quinn? Sorry. I know what happened to you. Same thing happened to me when I gave up Rachel. I went with a Regis Philbin tattoo and the Sinead O'Connor haircut.

Quinn Fabray: Must have looked like crap.

Shelby Corcoran: It was a disaster. But eventually, I realized that no matter how much it hurt me... I did right by my daughter. That's the real measure of motherhood: how much of yourself will you give up for them? King Solomon and all that.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, I'm not going back to being that girl. Little miss blonde perfect.

Shelby Corcoran: Quinn... were you ever really that girl? I mean, would that kind of girl even get pregnant in the first place? Do you seriously expect me to think that this is the real you?

Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Something like this.

Shelby Corcoran: You're 18. You're graduating high school. This is the time, this is the time when you should find yourself. First step to becoming an adult: stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child.

Quinn Fabray: Can I see her? I know Puck got to.

Shelby Corcoran: Not yet.

Quinn Fabray: How about a photo? Please?

Shelby Corcoran: You want to know who you really are? Look at that sweet, special little face. She looks just like you. You can be a part of this family, too, Quinn. I really want you to be. It's all up to you.

Finn Hudson: Lug nut. Wrench.

Rachel Berry: You're really good at that, whatever it is that you're doing over there.

Finn Hudson: Thanks for helping me out.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, I need the distraction. I'm gonna be in emotional DEFCON 1 until they post the audition results for the musical, which means I'm gonna be even more self-centered than usual, just so you know.

Finn Hudson: Why? You know you're gonna get the lead.

Rachel Berry: I know I am, but, I mean, you don't really know until you know. You can still try out. I mean, the field for Tony is wide open.

Finn Hudson: Well, I mean, between football and school, I don't really have time. And I got to go to this Booty Camp thing. My dancing has got to get better or it's gonna cost us Nationals. Plus, Burt pays me good here. I'm saving up for college and stuff.

Rachel Berry: I just... I don't want you to give up on what makes you most special. You know, you're really talented. Talented enough to get into NYADA if you applied.

Finn Hudson: What if I don't want to? I mean, and not saying that I don't, but if I stay here, work for Burt, I mean, would that be so bad?

Rachel Berry: No, not if it made you happy. But I don't think it would. You're better than that. You may not know it, but I do.

Finn Hudson: You're the best girlfriend ever.

Rachel Berry: No, you have grease on your nose.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Rachel Berry: What the heck?

Burt Hummel: Quit making out in the shop. What do you want?

Kurt Hummel: Nothing. Is Finn the only son that can help out around here?

Burt Hummel: Uh, no, but you only volunteer to help when you want money or you want to talk about something. What's going on?

Kurt Hummel: I made a list. These are the only musicals that I am a shoo-in to play the lead role in. Number one: La Cage aux Folles. Number two: Falsettos. Number three: Miss Saigon, as Miss Saigon. But that's off the list when and if I ever start shaving.

Burt Hummel: Du, you're gay. Excuse me? You're gay. And you're not like Rock Hudson gay; you're really gay. You sing like Diana Ross, and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, why are you being so mean to me?

Burt Hummel: What is wrong with any of that? It's who you are.

Kurt Hummel: And I'm not saying that I'm ashamed of it. The problem is that if I want to be an actor, I have to pass as straight to get the great romantic roles. And I want those roles. Every actor does. But to not get a shot at it— I mean, it kills me. I don't know if you've noticed, but no one's really looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play opposite Kate Hudson in a rom com.

Burt Hummel: Kurt, I say, if they're not writing movies and plays for performers like you, then you got to start writing your own. I mean, you're awesome. Change the rules. Write your own history.

Kurt Hummel: I'm just tired of being a unicorn, Dad.

Burt Hummel: You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freaking horse.

Will Schuester: That's it. All right, Finn. You got this, buddy. Come on. Ha ha roo-ha ha. You okay?

Finn Hudson: I can't do this.

Will Schuester: You can.

Finn Hudson: I can't.

Will Schuester: Hey, who knows more about dancing— you or me?

Finn Hudson: You.

Will Schuester: That's right. Look, I know you can do this. And I believe in you.

Finn Hudson: One more time. That's right. Here we go.

Will Schuester: That's great. Can I help you, Quinn?

Quinn Fabray: I heard this was for people who needed a little help with their dance moves and want to win Nationals.

Will Schuester: That's right.

Quinn Fabray: So, I'm a little rusty. And, uh... would it be cool if I joined in?

Will Schuester: Absolutely. Welcome back.

Mercedes Jones: Get in here, girl. You've been missed.

Will Schuester: All right.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, I've missed you.

Will Schuester: All right, let's line it up. Enough, enough. All right, let's get in lines. Booty Camp, here we go. Line it up. Oh, Kurt, um...

Noah Puckerman: I'm proud of you.

Quinn Fabray: I have to get her back. If that takes dying my hair blonde and pretending that I think I'm special, that's something I'm willing to do. We're going to get full custody.

Will Schuester: Do you eat a whole chicken every day?

Shannon Beiste: I eat a whole chicken at every meal.

Sue Sylvester: Well, hello, She-Hulk, Weepy the Vestclown.

Will Schuester: Good one.

Sue Sylvester: And Little Miss Golden Marmoset. It's a Brazilian monkey, and seriously, it's your spitting image. I'm going to send you a photo. Are you still at FreakishBonyGinger@gmail?

Will Schuester: Oh hey, Sue, you hear the good news? Quinn is back in Glee Club, which sort of throws a wrench in your whole campaign commercial.

Sue Sylvester: Well, actually, Butt Chin, couldn't have written it any better myself. In fact, it gives my campaign a whole new narrative. Quinn Fabray is an addict, and she's relapsed back into her Glee Club addiction.

Will Schuester: Mmm.

Sue Sylvester: You see, the arts are like crack, William, but much more addictive and not nearly as glamorous. And my new spot airs tomorrow.

Will Schuester: Sorry, Sue. Your scare tactics are not going to work.

Sue Sylvester: Well, they're already working, William. You see, I've made hating the arts into a brand. People are hurting, unemployment is up, the dollar is weak, and the arts smack of elitism and self-absorption, indulgence and privilege. When times are tough, that's something that Americans cannot stomach. Well, I just got a text from Becky, replete with hilarious auto-corrects. Polling has me nine points up on my Republican challenger/ pizza magnate, Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar. You know what that means? It means, today, I am in first place. So I'm going to have a seat over there at the first place table. Hey, you're free to join me— if any of you have ever come in first place. Recently.

Will Schuester: What are we going to do? We cannot let her win.

Shannon Beiste: Then we got to find someone with credibility to run against her. I mean, the anti-Sue.

Kurt Hummel: Brittany, hey, hey. Look. Huh? You were absolutely right. I need to celebrate who I am. And I am unicorn.

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, I love my happy, happy unicorn.

Kurt Hummel: Thank you.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so proud of you.

Kurt Hummel: So what do you say you come to my place after school and, uh, we'll give each other oatmeal facials and... and watch Project Runway and, you know, talk campaign strategy while, uh, sampling some of my zero-cal loganberry pumpkin torte. Huh? Huh?

Brittany S. Pierce: Thanks, um, but I can't. Santana and I are working on campaign posters.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, um, I... I already have them.

Brittany S. Pierce: No, for my campaign. I decided to run, too. 'Cause, you know, the last six senior class presidents, they've all been guys, and look where that's got us— you know, teetering on a double-dip recession. Besides, I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn. Either way, I'm starting to believe in my own magic. Good luck, Kurt. I will see you at the debate, okay?

Artie Abrams: Blaine Anderson.

Blaine Anderson: Hi, guys.

Artie Abrams: Greetings. Uh, what song will you be singing today?

Blaine Anderson: Uh, "Something's Coming." #
# Could be #
# Who knows? #
# There's something due any day #
# I will know right away #
# Soon as it shows #
# It may come cannonballing down through the sky #
# Gleam in its eye, bright as a rose #
# Who knows? #
# It's only just out of reach #
# Down the block, on a beach #
# Under a tree #
# I got a feeling there's a miracle due #
# Gonna come true, coming to me #
# Could it be? Yes, it could #
# Something's coming, something good #
# If I can wait #
# Something's coming #
# I don't know what it is #
# But it is gonna be great #
# With a click, with a shock #
# Phone'll jingle, door'll knock #
# Open the latch #
# Something's coming, don't know when #
# But it's soon, catch the moon #
# One-handed catch #
# Around the corner #
# Or whistling down the river #
# Come on #
# Deliver #
# To me #
# Will it be? Yes, it will #
# Maybe just by holding still #
# It'll be there #
# Come on, something, co on in #
# Don't be shy, meet a guy #
# Pull up a chair #
# The air is humming #
# And something great is coming #
# Who knows? #
# It's only just out of reach #
# Down the block, on a beach #
# Maybe tonight #
# Maybe tonight #
# Maybe tonight. #

Artie Abrams: Whoo! I so want to give you a standing ovation right now.

Blaine Anderson: Thank you.

Artie Abrams: Wait. Wait. On your audition form, you said you were only interested in the role of Bernardo.

Blaine Anderson: Uh, yeah, or, um, Office Krupke. Either one's fine.

Artie Abrams: Would you mind reading for Tony?

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Emma's living with Will, which has really been helping her OCD, which is good, because she's helping Artie and Beiste direct West Side Story. Rachel seems like a shoo-in for Maria, and Kurt's running for class president so he can get into NYADA.

Kurt Hummel: Thank you in advance for your votes.

Ian Brennan: But Brittany quit as his campaign manager so she can run, too.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm also a unicorn.

Ian Brennan: That's so unicorn. And that's what you missed on Glee!

Finn Hudson: Five, six...

Santana Lopez: ... seven, eight.

Will Schuester: You're late.

Mercedes Jones: I know. I overslept.

Quinn Fabray: It's 4:30 in the afternoon.

Mercedes Jones: My alarm clock went off 30 minutes late this morning. Kind of shifted my whole schedule. Anyway, what's Santana doing here?

Santana Lopez: I've resworn my allegiance to the Glee Club without telling Coach Sue.

Mike Chang: Mercedes, I'll catch you up. Five, six, seven. Five, six...

Will Schuester: Mercedes, you okay?

Mercedes Jones: My stomach hurts. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Santana Lopez: Why are you babying her? I mean, she can't do three steps without puking 'cause she ate at Quizno's before she showed up in this joint.

Mercedes Jones: Mr. Shue, you have us scheduled to the second right now. With school, Glee Club and Booty Camp, when else am I supposed to eat?

Santana Lopez: When the rest of us do.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, like you eat!

Will Schuester: It's not about eating. It's about attitude. Sectionals are coming up, and if we don't give it our all...

Mercedes Jones: I am doing my best. No, you're not. It's not about doing your best anymore. It's about doing better.

Emma Pillsbury: Morning, Sunshine.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: Do you want me to iron some bacon for you?

Will Schuester: Um, I was looking for a fresh box of cornflakes, and I found this hidden way back in the pantry. It's a stash of wedding magazines. Wedding, Inc., Modern Bridal, Marry Me Monthly...

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, wow. Terri must have had a massive bridal magazine addiction.

Will Schuester: And an autographed headshot of Vera Wang. "To Emma. Always Marry Up!"

Emma Pillsbury: Right, that's slightly harder to explain away.

Will Schuester: Look, Emma, I'm not scared of your inner bridezilla. I mean, that's clearly the road we're headed down, and marriage is just one of... several milestones I look forward to sharing with you. But because I don't like secrets, I thought I'd share my secret stash with you. I was a bachelor for over a year. Kept me off of Craig's List.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, we'll just put that over here.

Will Schuester: But Emma, I have to ask you a question: if you're serious about you and me... why haven't I met your parents?

Emma Pillsbury: Be-because, um, they're dead.

Will Schuester: You spoke to them on the phone last night.

Emma Pillsbury: I spoke to their ghosts last night. I have ghost parents. Okay, can't lie to you. Um... I-I-I just want to take it really slowly. You know, I don't want to rush things. And-And I feel like meeting my parents right now would be a bad idea.

Principal Figgins: I must say Mr. Mike Chang Sr., this is highly unusual. I have no grounds to drug test your son every day.

Mike Chang Sr.: My grandmother in China knew three English phrases: "Coca-Cola," "Kiss My Grits" and "Harvard University." Deep in Hubei Province this old woman knew the best school in the United States. That's where my son belongs.

Principal Figgins: But what makes you think he's on drugs? He's one of our best students, a football star, and he can bust a serious move.

Mike Chang Sr.: My son got an A-minus on his chemistry test. An A-minus is an Asian F.

Principal Figgins: Mr. Chang Sr., I don't want to get in your business, as they say, but don't you think perhaps you're putting too much pressure on Mike Chang Jr.?

Mike Chang Sr.: An A-minus won't do. It's the girlfriend. She's a distraction.

Principal Figgins: Here's where we agree, sir. Tina Cohen-Chang and her vampire ways have no place in this school.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Excuse me from gym all year or I'll drain your spicy curry blood.

Mike Chang Sr.: It's clear to me that either Michael is on drugs or that he's bitten off more than he can chew. He needs to quit Glee Club. Performing is a waste of his time.

Mike Chang: What?

Mike Chang Sr.: The consultant we hired said that it was meaningless on your transcript. In fact, he said it was a detriment.

Mike Chang: I'll do better, Dad. I promise. Get me a chemistry tutor. I'll pay for it myself. Just give me one more chance.

Shannon Beiste: All right, listen up, ladies! Number one: I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out Ace of Cakes was canceled, hence the crutches. Number two: the entire wrestling team has come down with a flesh-eating staph infection so, fellas, wash yourselves, and that includes your bat caves and your bramble patches. Number three: Tinsley, Puckerman, Azimio, show me your moves.

Noah Puckerman: What moves?

Shannon Beiste: Oh, don't play stupid. You're all dancing in West Side Story unless I specifically excuse you.

Finn Hudson: Tire shop every afternoon.

Azimio Adams: Coach, no disrespect, but my dad, he didn't raise me to be no damn ballerina. In fact, my dad, he didn't even raise me.

Shannon Beiste: Ballet improves your coordination, it boosts your IQ, and it gets half of the NFL on Dancing With the Stars! Boo-yah! By Wednesday, everyone is to show up at audition and dance.

Shane Tinsley: How are we supposed to learn to dance by Wednesday?

Shannon Beiste: Figure it out.

Shannon Beiste: Baby, what was that?

Mercedes Jones: What?

Shannon Beiste: You just hugged your arch-nemesis right before the audition. You think before I cleat some dude I hug him? You think Wonder Woman hugs the Cheeta before the Amazonian smackdown?

Mercedes Jones: It's not like that. Rachel and I are friends.

Shannon Beiste: Not right now you're not. This is winner-takes-all. Maria's the lead and you need to be playing that part.

Mercedes Jones: Don't be going crazy now on me, Shane.

Shannon Beiste: People are saying that Rachel Berry's the one to beat. Why don't you know that you're the one to beat? You're fabulous, baby.

Mercedes Jones: I know...

Shannon Beiste: You don't. You always make me watch Dreamgirls. You say you're Beyoncé, but on the inside you feel like Effie White. You're better than Rachel Berry, baby.

Mercedes Jones: I've been here for three years... and no one's ever said that to me.
# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo #
# Are you a man who loves, cherishes and cares for me? #

Tina & Brittany: # Is that you, is that you, is that you? Yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # Are you a guard in the prison, maximum security? #

Tina & Brittany: # Is that you, is that you, is that you? Yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # Do we stay home all the time #
# 'Cause you want me to yourself? #

Tina & Brittany: # Is that you, is that you, is that you? Yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # Or am I locked away out of fear #
# That I'll find someone else? #

Tina & Brittany: # Is that you, is that you? Yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # Well, I don't like living under your spotlight #
# Maybe if you treat me right #
# You won't have to worry #
# You won't ever have to worry #
# No #
# No #
# Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourself #
# What the hell do you think you're doing? #
# Loving me, loving me so wrong #
# Baby, all I do is try #

Tina & Brittany: # Try #

Mercedes Jones: # To show you that you're my #

Tina & Brittany: # My #

Mercedes Jones: # One and only guy #

Tina & Brittany: # Only guy #

Mercedes Jones: # No matter who may come along #
# Open your eyes 'cause, baby, I don't like #
# Ooh-hoh, ooh, hoo-hoo #
# Hey, 'cause I don't like #

Tina & Brittany: # Living under your spotlight #

Mercedes Jones: # No, no #
# Just because you think I might #
# Find somebody worthy, no, no #
# I don't like, yeah #

Tina & Brittany: # Living under your spotlight #

Mercedes Jones: # Living under your spotlight #

Tina & Brittany: # Maybe if you treat me right #

Mercedes Jones: # Treat me right, yeah #
# You don't never have to worry #
# I don't like. #

Artie Abrams: Wow! Yeah!

Shannon Beiste: Whoo!

Emma Pillsbury: Beautiful.

Artie Abrams: Whoo!

Emma Pillsbury: Mercedes, I've never seen you like this before. Really. You're so...

Shannon Beiste: Glamorous.

Emma Pillsbury: Glamorous.

Mercedes Jones: Well, I just wanted you guys to see me the way that I see myself now: as a leading lady.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, it was wonderful.

Shannon Beiste: Beautiful.

Artie Abrams: So good. You killed it!

Shane Tinsley: I'm so proud of you.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Ready for song practice? Your audition is tomorrow.

Mike Chang: I'm not auditioning.

Tina Cohen-Chang: What are you talking about? We've been practicing your singing every day! This is your chance to break out and show everybody that you're more than just a fleet-footed dance ninja. Riff is perfect for you. He sings, he dances, he dies. It's the second male lead, Mike.

Mike Chang: I'm overwhelmed and losing focus. Football, Glee Club, Booty Camp so we're ready for Sectionals. I got an A-minus, Tina.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You got an Asian F?

Mike Chang: My dad is all over me.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You shouldn't have to hide your dreams. Just be honest with him.

Mike Chang: Oh, like how you were so honest about pretending to stutter all that time?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Point taken.

Kurt Hummel: With only two days left for people to announce their candidacy, that leaves me and Brittany running in this race. Which is more like me running, and you know, Brittany just whimsically hopping and skipping nearby. No one takes her seriously.

Rachel Berry: That's so amazing, Kurt. I mean, you can practically add the moniker of "President" to your curriculum vitae now. NYADA is gonna eat that up.

Kurt Hummel: According to the new Jacob Ben Israel straw poll— here, take one take one, take... Okay. Um, according to the soft numbers, I'm ahead by Brit by 11%.

Rachel Berry: Really?

Kurt Hummel: This could be a cakewalk.

Santana Lopez: Nice blouse, Hummel. Really brings out the color of your pink eye.

Brittany S. Pierce: So, I assume I can rely on your vote, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, Brittany, but I've already pledged my fidelity to Kurt.

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, so you're cool with flushing McKinley High's future down the magical poop-stealing water chair?

Santana Lopez: Did you know that in six years at this school, we've only exclusively had male student council presidents? And yeah, Kurt looks like Jimmy Fallon's butch daughter, but a vote for him would only empower yet another frank and beans.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. Where has that patriarchy gotten us? Double-digit inflation, economic freefall, oil spills, war in Afghanistan.

Santana Lopez: I tweeted about Brit's flash mob pep rally in the gym, and we're all showing up to support her with girl power.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, boys have made one helluva mess in this school, and there's only one way to clean it up.
# Girls, we run this mother, yeah #
# Girls, we run this mother #
# Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # It's hot up in here, DJ, don't be scared #
# To run this, run this back #
# I'm reppin' for the girls who taking over the world #
# Help me raise a glass for the college grads #
# Anyone rolling, I'll let you know what time it is, check #
# You can't hold me #
# I work my 9:00 to 5:00 and I cut my check #
# This goes out to all my women getting it in #
# You on your grind #
# To all the men that respect what I do #
# Please accept my shine #
# Boy, I know you love it, how we're smart enough #
# To make these millions, strong enough to bear the children #
# Then get back to business #
# See, you better not play me #
# Don't come here, baby #
# Hope you still like me #
# If you pay me #
# My persuasion #
# Can build a nation #
# Endless power #
# Our love we can devour #

Santana Lopez: # You'll do anything for me #
# Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world?#

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls, girls #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls #
# Who are we? #
# What we run? #
# The world #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run this mother? #

Cheerios: # Who are we? #
# What we run? #
# The world #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run this? Yeah #

Cheerios: # Who are we? #
# What do we run? #
# We run the world #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Who run the world? #

Cheerios: # Girls! #

Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you. Hi. I'm Brittany S. Pierce, and I'm your next senior class president.

Shannon Beiste: Harvard/Yale 1968. Bush/Gore 2000. And now...

Emma Pillsbury: I know. It's too close to call.

Will Schuester: What is?

Emma Pillsbury: Marias. We have two very strong, but very different candidates tied for the role.

Will Schuester: Rachel Berry and...?

Shannon Beiste: Mercedes. I thought Berry had it in the bag, and then Stealth-Attack Jones came in and just pancaked me emotionally.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. I mean, right before our eyes, Mercedes just transformed. She had a new maturity, there was a confidence I've never seen before. Her performance was so truthful. I think our little girl's all grown up.

Will Schuester: Wow. I'm so happy to hear that.

Shannon Beiste: I don't know what you're doing, Schuester, but it's working.

Will Schuester: Well, I have been pushing her pretty hard in Booty Camp. Good. Good for Mercedes.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes, but very hard for us. I mean, Rachel is Maria. Isn't she?

Shannon Beiste: Yes.

Emma Pillsbury: On the other hand, Mercedes is...

Shannon Beiste: Is the riskier choice, no doubt. And she might even be the more exciting one. It's just too close to call.

Will Schuester: Well, you know what you need to do, then.

Mercedes Jones: Let me get this straight. You can't make up your minds, so we have to try out again?

Rachel Berry: In the biz, it's called a callback. With such an iconic role as Maria, it can't appear as if they're just giving me the part.

Artie Abrams: We'd like you both to come back on Thursday for the ultimate Maria-off.

Rachel Berry: Done. I can't speak for Mercedes, but I'll be singing the timeless Maria classic "I Feel Pretty."

Emma Pillsbury: Actually, that's too easy, Rachel. We've picked a song that we think has the potential to show off both of your talents, in unexpected ways.

Artie Abrams: "Out Here On My Own" from the seminal behind-the-scenes musical Fame.

Rachel Berry: I know it.

Mercedes Jones: I lived it.

Rachel Berry: Mercedes! Look, in the spirit of Broadway camaraderie, I'd like to offer you a hug to congratulate you on your callback.

Mercedes Jones: You know what, Rachel? Hug me after I get the part.

Mike Chang: I'm leaving right now to go meet the Chem tutor at The Lima Bean. I promise I'll bring my grade up. And, Dad, I'm so sorry for disappointing you.

Mike Chang Sr.: Michael. We've worked so hard to get to where we are. And this, this is how you waste your time? Dancing is something you do at a wedding. It's a hobby, not a career. There's no future in it. What happens if you hurt yourself? You're one injury away from having nothing. You will not waste your life.

Tina Cohen-Chang: So beautiful. You don't talk that much, you hardly ever sing, but when I see you do that, it's who you are. It's what makes me feel you. Mike, you got to know by now, when I see you dance... it's why I fell in love with you.

Artie Abrams: Mike Chang? The kid's never late. He runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China. Okay, next.

Mike Chang: Uh, I'm sorry I'm late. I'm here to audition for Riff.

Emma Pillsbury: Uh, Mike, you know that's not just a dancing part, right?

Mike Chang: I do, yes. I've been working on my singing.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Mike Chang: # Boy, boy, crazy boy #
# Get cool, boy #
# Got a rocket in your pocket #
# Keep coolly cool, boy #
# Don't get hot, 'cause, man, you got #
# Some high times ahead #
# Take it slow and, Daddy-O #
# You can live it up and die in bed #
# Boy, boy, crazy boy #
# Stay loose, boy #
# Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it #
# Turn off the juice, boy #
# Go, man, go, but not like a yo-yo schoolboy #
# Just play it cool, boy #
# Real cool #
# Cool! #
# Go! #
# Crazy! Cool! Go! #
# Crazy! Go! #
# Boy, boy, crazy boy #
# Stay loose, boy #
# Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it #
# Turn off the juice, boy #
# Just play it cool, boy #
# Real cool. #

Shannon Beiste: Wow, Chang, you must have worked really closely with my boys there. That was some really fancy footwork. I just hope you didn't waste too much of your time.

Mike Chang: It's what I love to do. It's never going to be a waste of my time.

Shannon Beiste: Good job.

Shannon Beiste: So no girls have tried out for your fancy new rogue singing club? Why do you think that is? Mmm. Singing's just musical talking.

Shelby Corcoran: Well, I guess if I was a girl in this school, and I wanted to be in a singing group, I'd be in New Directions.

Shannon Beiste: Mm-hmm.

Shelby Corcoran: Enjoy your enormous bowl of disgusting creamy pasta.

Shannon Beiste: Mm-hmm.

Shelby Corcoran: Hey, Will.

Will Schuester: Hey. What, no chicken?

Shannon Beiste: Mm, I'm carbo loading, Will. I got to keep my strength up. I got football, I'm running the student council elections, and you got me doing that musical. Thank God for Emma. She's a hard worker. You should be really proud of her.

Will Schuester: Yeah, well, I just wish she was more proud of me.

Shannon Beiste: Mm, come on.

Will Schuester: I mean, I know I'm not a dentist like Carl. I don't make $80,000 a year.

Shannon Beiste: Punkin, what the hell are you talking about? That girl is crazy about you.

Will Schuester: She hasn't introduced me to her parents.

Shannon Beiste: Well, introduce yourself! You're a catch, Will. You got nothing to be nervous about. You're everything a future in-law could ask for.

Will Schuester: You think so?

Shannon Beiste: You bet your sweet bippy. Did you know Breadstix delivers? That's awesome.

Kurt Hummel: The cast list goes up on Friday. Are you nervous?

Blaine Anderson: A little. I'm trying not to think about it.

Kurt Hummel: I wouldn't be. My mole in the casting office says that there's only one actor they're seriously considering for the role of Tony, and his initials are B.A.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt, they're beautiful. But what are they for?

Kurt Hummel: You killed your audition, Blaine. If anyone else got Tony, including me, the Wrath of Sondheim would fall upon William McKinley like a plague of Shubert Alley locusts. These are to celebrate... you.

Blaine Anderson: You always zig when I think you're about to zag, and I... I just... I love that about you. Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: Right.

Will Schuester: Okay, so, before we dive into today's Booty Camp, I just want to say how impressed Mike and I have been with everyone's progress. Uh... Brittany, why are you here?

Brittany S. Pierce: 'Cause I intend on, you know, dancing my way into the voters' hearts.

Will Schuester: Okay. All right... everyone up! Now, your homework assignment was "The Widow Maker," perhaps the hardest show choir dance move ever. Now, when you get it right, one of us is gonna tap you out, then you can have a seat. Uh, five, six, seven, eight! Okay. Brittany, tap it. You have it. All right. Come on. Come on, Finn, you can do it!

Noah Puckerman: No, he can't.

Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah?

Noah Puckerman: Yeah.

Mike Chang: Come on, Mercedes.

Will Schuester: Good job, buddy.

Mike Chang: Down... open... Come on, Mercedes, down... open... up...

Mercedes Jones: My ankle hurts.

Will Schuester: Push through it.

Mercedes Jones: I don't feel good.

Will Schuester: You're fine.

Mercedes Jones: No, I'm not!

Will Schuester: Look, Mercedes, I want you to be the best you can be, okay? Did you even practice this?

Mercedes Jones: Stop picking on me! You're always singling me out, making me look bad!

Will Schuester: That's crazy.

Mercedes Jones: No, you're crazy for not letting me shine! Where's Rachel, huh? I don't see her here, being a part of the "team."

Finn Hudson: Rachel practices every night.

Mercedes Jones: No one asked you, Finn. Everyone knows that Rachel is your favorite.

Will Schuester: That's not true.

Mercedes Jones: No, it's true— you give that skinny, Garanimal-wearing ass-kisser everything! And, you know, for two years, you know, I took it. But not anymore! I'm done! You know, I've outgrown you. I've outgrown all of you.

Will Schuester: Mercedes! You walk out that door, you're out of Glee Club.

Mercedes Jones: # Mr. Shue was supposed to love me. #
# I turn my back and find myself out on the line #
# You could've warned me #
# But that would've been too kind #

Will Schuester: # I've been warning you for months to clean up your act #
# You've been late, you've been mean #
# Giving all kinds of stupid flack #

Mercedes Jones: # That's a lie, that's a lie #
# It's just, I haven't been feeling that well #

Santana Lopez: # Effie, please, stop excusing yourself #
# You've been late, you've been mean #
# And getting fatter all the time #

Mercedes Jones: # Now you're lyin', you're lyin' #
# I've never been so thin #
# You're lyin', you're lyin' #
# 'Cause you're knockin' off that piece #
# Who thinks she's better than everybody #
# Running for president #
# She ain't better than anybody #
# She ain't nothin' but common #

Santana Lopez: # Now, listen to me, Miss Blame-it-on-the-world #
# See, I put up with you for much too long #
# I have put up with your bitchin' #
# I put up with your naggin' #
# And all your screamin' too #

Finn Hudson: # Oh, now when are you two gonna stop all this fighting? #

Mercedes Jones: # Stay out of this, Finn, this is between Santana and me! #

Kurt Hummel: # Yeah! Well, it's between me, too #
# I'm as much a part of this group as anybody else #
# And I'm tired, Effie #
# I'm tired #
# Of all the problems you're makin' up #

Mercedes Jones: # I always knew you two were together #

Kurt Hummel: # What?! #

Mercedes Jones: # Always knew you two were gangin' up on me #

Will Schuester: # Kurt had nothing to do with this change, it was you #
# It was you always thinking of you #
# Always thinking of you #

Noah Puckerman: # Lay off, Effie #
# Just take the money and run #

Mercedes Jones: # You in this with them, Puck? #

Noah Puckerman: # Cool it, Effie #
# This time you know what you've done #

Mercedes Jones: # So they bought your behind, too, huh? #

Noah Puckerman: # I said, cool it, Effie #
# This time you've gone too far #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, I can go further. I can go further! #

Mike Chang: # I don't wanna stay around this #
# I'm just breakin' in to this business #
# This is between all of you #
# This is none of my affair #

Mercedes Jones: # I'm not feelin' well, I've got pain #

All: # Effie, we all got pain #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, for two years, I stuck with you #
# I was your sister #

All: # You were trouble #

Mercedes Jones: # And now you're telling me #
# It's all over #

All: # Now we're telling you #
# It's all over #

Mercedes Jones: # And now, I'm telling you #
# I ain't goin' #

All: # It's all over #

Mercedes Jones: # I ain't goin' #

All: # It's all over... #

Mercedes Jones: It's over.

Mike Chang: Mom? What are you doing here?

Julia Chang: What are you doing, Michael?

Mike Chang: I'm... just warming up for football.

Julia Chang: How can you look at me like that and lie to me? I got a call from your chemistry tutor when you didn't show up. I covered for you with your father. So now I'm a liar, too. The least you could do is tell me the truth.

Mike Chang: I auditioned for the school musical. I don't want to be a surgeon or a lawyer, Mom. I want to be an artist. Special. And the only time I really feel special is when I do... that. Mom, please don't cry.

Julia Chang: Michael, my job is to encourage you to live your dreams, not mine, not your dad's. I was raised a certain way, and my parents had expectations of me and I simply was not as courageous as my son. I let go of my dreams but I never want you to do that. Do you hear me? So... do you know if we earned that part in the school musical yet? Well, when you do, we're going to tell your father about it. Together.

Mike Chang: So what dream did you let go of?

Julia Chang: Like you, I loved dancing. But your waigong never let me take lessons.

Mike Chang: Some people think I'm a pretty good teacher.

Julia Chang: Okay...

Finn Hudson: Rachel, focus.

Shane Tinsley: You want this more than she does.

Mercedes Jones: I do.

Finn Hudson: You've earned this. The part's already yours.

Shane Tinsley: It's been waiting for you, Mercedes; just take it.

Mercedes Jones: I will.

Artie Abrams: Rachel Berry? Mercedes Jones?

Shane Tinsley: Go get it, baby.

Emma Pillsbury: Ladies... you're both wonderful.

Noah Puckerman: Screw West Side Story, this is Clash of the Titans.

Kurt Hummel: I have a feeling that people are going to be talking about this face-off for the rest of our lives.

Emma Pillsbury: Heads or tails?

Rachel Berry: Heads.

Mercedes Jones: Tails.

Emma Pillsbury: Heads.

Finn Hudson: Yes!

Emma Pillsbury: Rachel?

Rachel Berry: Mercedes can go first.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Mercedes Jones: # Sometimes I wonder #
# Where I've been #
# Who I am #
# Do I fit in? #
# Make believin' is hard alone #
# Out here on my own #

Rachel Berry: # We're always provin' #
# Who we are #
# Always reachin' #
# For that risin' star #

Mercedes Jones: # To guide me far #
# And shine me home #
# Out here on my own #

Rachel Berry: # When I'm down #
# And feelin' blue #

Mercedes Jones: # I close my eyes #
# So I can be with you #

Mercedes & Rachel: # Oh, baby, be strong for me #
# Baby, belong #

Rachel Berry: # To me #

Mercedes Jones: # Help me through #
# Help me need you #

Rachel Berry: # Sometimes I wonder #

Mercedes Jones: # Where I've been #

Rachel Berry: # Who I am #
# Do I fit in? #
# I may not win #
# But I can't be thrown #

Mercedes Jones: # Out here #
# On... #

Rachel Berry: # On my own #

Mercedes Jones: # Out here #

Rachel Berry: # On my #

Mercedes Jones: # Own. #

Blaine Anderson: Wow! Bravo!

Finn Hudson: That was excellent. You were amazing.

Rachel Berry: She was better than me.

Rachel Berry: Coach Beiste, I have something very important we need to discuss.

Emma Pillsbury: What is this? Are we having a romantic dinner?

Will Schuester: Sort of.

Emma Pillsbury: I invited your parents over.

Rose Pillsbury: Is that my little freaky-deaky?

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. I'm gonna say hi in one minute. One minute, one minute. Oh, God, oh my God. Why would you do this?

Will Schuester: I wanted to meet your parents, so I thought I'd take the bull by the horns.

Emma Pillsbury: Right, it's okay, because maybe, maybe we can get them to leave. I will pretend like, um, an ovarian cyst burst. Works every time.

Will Schuester: Emma, what is going on here? Are you ashamed of me?

Emma Pillsbury: No. I'm ashamed of them.

Will Schuester: What? Why?

Emma Pillsbury: My parents are ginger supremacists.

Rusty Pillsbury: We're not ginger supremacists. We're more ginger preservationists.

Rose Pillsbury: We don't hate anybody. We just prefer the company of other redheads, which is why we enjoy the Red Oaks so much.

Will Schuester: What's the Red Oaks?

Rose Pillsbury: It's a gingers-only country club. It's really the only place I feel I can be myself and let my auburn hair down.

Rusty Pillsbury: Did you know that if we're not careful, redheads will be extinct in 30 years?

Will Schuester: Extinct?

Rusty Pillsbury: It's a recessive gene. If we keep heading down the road we're on, with everybody just mixing with everybody, we gingers will cease to exist as a species.

Emma Pillsbury: Not really a separate species.

Rose Pillsbury: Which is why I'd really love to hear about your heritage. I have to say, your hair's a little wooly for my taste, but those beautiful blue eyes are a very good sign. Now Schuester is German, right?

Will Schuester: I-I think so.

Rusty Pillsbury: You're practically a Viking.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Rose Pillsbury: Well, that's a relief. There's got to be some red hair in that family tree.

Rusty Pillsbury: Yeah, not like that Carl.

Rose Pillsbury: Oops. Looks like freaky-deaky's coming down with a mean case of the cleanies.

Rusty Pillsbury: Don't bother trying to stop her once she starts, Will. We used to tie her thumbs together, and she'd chew right through the twine. Adorable.

Rose Pillsbury: I think it's weird. I don't know where she got it.

Rose Pillsbury: Oh, I'm sorry, Amigo. You're not our regular waitress.

Rusty Pillsbury: Cindy!

Rose Pillsbury: You can't be too careful.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but has anyone ever told you that you're both a little racist?

Rose Pillsbury: I'm sorry?

Rusty Pillsbury: Excuse me, it's not racist to be proud of the heritage that you're trying to preserve, Will.

Will Schuester: Well, maybe it isn't. But all I know is that if Emma and I were blessed enough to have a child, I wouldn't care what he or she looked like. And you know what? If my child had OCD, I'd maybe try to show a little compassion instead of calling her a name that makes her feel like a freak.

Rose Pillsbury: These beans are a disaster.

Rusty Pillsbury: These beans are what happens when you sit out an election, Rose.

Rose Pillsbury: There wasn't a ginger candidate.

Kurt Hummel: I think we should talk, don't you?

Rachel Berry: About the, um, upcoming deadline for the NYADA applications?

Kurt Hummel: About you telling Coach Beiste that you're running for senior class president. Against me.

Rachel Berry: Kurt, you saw Mercedes, okay? I'm not gonna get the part. So I figured, if I win, I'll make you vice president, and then maybe you could just do vice-versa.

Kurt Hummel: Rachel, if you win, yes, it'll better your chances of getting into NYADA, yes. But if I win, it could make a huge difference at this school. Not just for me, but kids like me. Things could actually change for them. So, whatever it takes, I'm winning.

Rachel Berry: Look, I just... I need something for my senior year that's gonna make me special, that's gonna make me stand out. I thought Maria was gonna be that. You understand. You're just as ambitious as I am; that's why we're friends.

Kurt Hummel: Rachel, in ten years, when you look back on this time, you're not gonna be thinking about the clubs you belonged to or the parts you had. You'll be thinking about the friends you had and... and the ones you just tossed aside.

Mercedes Jones: Please don't tell us that we have to try out again.

Artie Abrams: No, we've come to a decision.

Shannon Beiste: It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that includes when I had to sell one of my two prize donkeys to pay my gas bill. I sold Kim, but I kept Khloe.

Emma Pillsbury: So, um, in the grand tradition of the Special Olympics... everybody wins. We're double-casting Maria.

Mercedes Jones: What the hell is "double-casting?"

Rachel Berry: It means that we'll both get to play Maria. You'll get your well-deserved standing ovations on Saturday matinees and Sunday mornings for the Retired Lima War Veterans, and I'll do all the evening performances.

Artie Abrams: Actually, Rachel, we're adding a week. You'll both get four nights and two matinees.

Rachel Berry: Fair enough. Mercedes, it'll be a pleasure sharing the spotlight with you.

Mercedes Jones: Are you double-casting any other roles?

Artie Abrams: No. Just...

Emma Pillsbury: No. No.

Mercedes Jones: Thank you for your time.

Shannon Beiste: Where are you going?

Mercedes Jones: Tell me you were better than me. Tell me. Why is it that no one ever wants to hurt her feelings? You know, it's always been "The Rachel Berry Show" around here. But it's not gonna be for me. No, not my senior year.

Artie Abrams: Mercedes, don't make this a stupid pride thing.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, it's a pride thing. But it's not stupid. Congratulations. You got the part. I don't want it.

Rachel Berry: I got it. I got it, like, by default. They double-cast us, and then Mercedes turned it down.

Finn Hudson: So... cool. You're gonna... you're gonna be withdrawing from the race, then.

Rachel Berry: Look, Finn, when Brittany sang that song about girls changing the world, it got me thinking, you know maybe... maybe I can change the world.

Finn Hudson: By being Student Class President?

Rachel Berry: Look, make fun of it all you want, but you need to start thinking about your future, too. Oh, did you talk to Kurt about the election?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. He asked me who I was voting for.

Rachel Berry: What did you say?

Finn Hudson: I said I didn't know.

Will Schuester: Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: Son of a biscuit. I've lost count again. One. Two... Three...

Will Schuester: I'm so sorry. I should've believed you when you told me you didn't want me to meet your parents. I didn't get it. Emma, stop. Please. Come on, let's go to bed. Wh-What are you doing?

Emma Pillsbury: I'm praying. I do it all the time in my head, but right now, it's just not enough. And when I need help, I know God hears me better on my knees. Something about the acoustics of the linoleum or something.

Will Schuester: I wish I could make things better for you, I... I just don't know how. I don't have any clue what I'm doing down here... But I'm willing to learn.
# When you try your best, but you don't succeed #
# When you get what you want, but not what you need #
# When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep #
# Stuck in reverse #
# And the tears come streaming down your face #
# When you lose something you can't replace #
# When you love someone, but it goes to waste #
# Could it be worse? #
# Lights will guide you home #
# And ignite your bones #
# And I will try to fix you #
# Tears stream down on your face #
# I promise you that I will learn from my mistakes #
# Tears stream down on your face #
# And I... #
# Lights will guide you home #
# And ignite your bones #
# Ooh... #
# And I will try to fix you. #

Mercedes Jones: Ms. Corcoran, I hear you're starting a new group. You're going to need some star power, so here I am.

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Shelby is back with Beth and she's starting her own show choir at McKinley. Mercedes is on board because she's tired of Rachel and the Glee Club.

Mercedes Jones: I've outgrown you.

Ian Brennan: But Quinn's only playing nice so she and Puck can get the baby back. Kurt, Rachel and Brittany are all running for senior class president, and Sue's running for Congress so she can cut funding for Glee clubs everywhere. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Rory Flanagan: Top o' the mornin', Brittany.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, first of all, you look magical and amazing, but I don't understand what you're saying. So if you want to make it in this land, you really need to speak English. How's your first day of school?

Rory Flanagan: It's grand.

Man: Hey, Irish.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait. Other people can see you? But only because you let them see you.

Rory Flanagan: That's right.

Brittany S. Pierce: I've thought about it a lot, and I know what I want as my first wish. Your magical race, they make my favorite cereal, Lucky Charms. I really wish that you would make me a box of Lucky Charms with all marshmallows.

Rory Flanagan: You're in luck. Lucky the Leprechaun happens to be my cousin. And he lives two toadstools down.

Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you. Though I don't understand most of what you just said. Work on it.

Rick Nelson: Go back to Mexico.

Quinn Fabray: Hello.

Shelby Corcoran: Hi.

Quinn Fabray: We got you something.

Shelby Corcoran: Concealer?

Quinn Fabray: To help with the bags.

Noah Puckerman: Don't get us wrong, Ms. Corcoran. I mean, you are still the most tappable teacher at McKinley, by far.

Quinn Fabray: You've been looking tired. Which makes sense. You're a single mother. You've relocated. You have a new job. It's no wonder you've stopped working out. Let us babysit Beth for a couple of hours, any night your choosing, for some me time.

Shelby Corcoran: Have you ever babysat before?

Quinn Fabray: Mmm. Ask Mr. Schue. We took care of his sister-in-law's three demon spawn, and they were practically purring by the end of the night. Please. You said you wanted us to get to know Beth.

Sue Sylvester: I got a bee in my bonnet, and that bee's name is government waste. Earlier today, I saw a state employee in the person of one Verna the lunch lady throw away 300 pounds of precious, expired turkey gravy simply because Uncle Sam said there were too many weevils in it. Well, you know what has no expiration date, voters? My rage. I have in my hand the budget for the McKinley High production of West Side Story, a musical about a race war that glorifies gang violence, yet still seems extraordinarily gay. This is a top secret document, Ohio, and we're opening it up tonight. $2,004, Ohio. That's a year's salary for a public school math teacher wasted on fake switchblades and the soft packing of teen dance belts. If this nation wants to impress its future Chinese overlords, we need to get our priorities straight. And that's why I encourage every Ohioan to call McKinley High School and sing them this song. "I'm fed up and angry, too, and I agree with Candidate Sue." And that's how Sue... sees it.

Woman: McKinley High. Please hold. McKinley High. Please hold. McKinley High. Please hold.

Will Schuester: You can't just cut the musal. Sue's pom-pom budget is $4,000 a month.

Sue Sylvester: Can't put a price on cheer, William.

Will Schuester: I really expected more from you, Figgins. I thought you were a friend of the arts.

Principal Figgins: William, I'm caught between a rock and a different, yet equally hard, rock. Just this morning, I was assaulted in the parking lot.

Angry Mom: You! My son can't read, and you want him to sing and dance?

Sue Sylvester: The Clinton years are over. We're in a recession, William, that's about to double-dip into a piping hot Crock-Pot of voter fury. And if this school doesn't learn some priorities, well, come November, the voters will gladly teach you some.

Will Schuester: What if I can get the money myself?

Sue Sylvester: Ha. Good luck with that, William. The arts are going down. Today the musical, tomorrow the Glee Club. Next week, NPR and opera and brunch and Tom Bergeron.

Mercedes Jones: Hi, Santana. How many solos did you get in Glee Club last year?

Santana Lopez: A few.

Mercedes Jones: One: "Valerie." And I loved it.

Santana Lopez: I was also the lips in Rocky Horror.

Mercedes Jones: Listen, if you and I were in Shelby's group, we'd get all the solos and the duets. Our voices sound amazing together. Plus, it's an all-girl group.

Santana Lopez: Why would I care about all-girl?

Mercedes Jones: It's all lady power all the time. I mean, Shelby's a great teacher. I'm... I'm hitting notes I didn't even know existed. She gets me— what I have to give. It feels good.

Santana Lopez: You know, honestly, I wish I could, but... somebody's got to look out for Brittany. I mean, that special place where she lives, yeah, it's beautiful, but... someone's got to help her cross the street. I could never just leave her.

Mercedes Jones: Get her to come with you.

Santana Lopez: You know what, girl Chang? If you cry every time someone gets a hangnail, it kind of starts toose its effect.

Tina Cohen-Chang: It's not a hangnail. Mercedes was one of Glee's original members. I feel naked in here without her.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, well, get used to it, 'cause without her singing for us, we're going to have to perform naked for the judges to vote for us at Sectionals.

Will Schuester: No. I will not let this setback crush our spirits. I mean, we have handled worse.

Mike Chang: Than losing one of our best singers?

Quinn Fabray: Kind of hard not to blame you, Mr. Schue. Think you were too hard on her at Booty Camp.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I blame Artie. Why couldn't you have just given Maria to Mercedes?

Artie Abrams: Because that would have damaged my integrity as an artist.

Rachel Berry: Sorry I am late. I was putting up posters for my... for my campaign.

Kurt Hummel: Did you airbrush out your jowls?

Rachel Berry: No.

Finn Hudson: Look, let' stop it, everybody. So we lost a singer. So they canceled the musical.

Rachel Berry: Wait, what? No, no, no, no. You can't cancel my musical.

Mike Chang: Sue cut the funding.

Finn Hudson: The point is, right now, we shouldn't be turning on each other.

Blaine Anderson: I agree. I can only speak from my experience with the Warblers, but no show choir is just one person; it's a team. When we lost a Warbler, we just replaced him with another one.

Finn Hudson: Which is easy when your waiting list has a waiting list. Dude, I know you're a big deal at Dalton or whatever, but we don't wear blazers her so have a seat— I'm trying to give a pep talk.

Blaine Anderson: Didn't you just say something about us not turning on each other?

Rachel Berry: No, you can't cancel my musical. Okay? I was considering changing my name to Maria.

Will Schuester: The musical is not canceled. As for Mercedes, yes, that is a huge loss for us, but we will deal with replacing her later. Right now, we need to focus on putting on this musical.

Tina Cohen-Chang: How?

Will Schuester: We sell ads in the program. I figure we can get ten, maybe 20 bucks apiece for them.

Quinn Fabray: So we'll only have to sell about 200.

Kurt Hummel: Well, I think it's a brilliant idea. And I volunteer myself to spearhead the charge. It'll give me a great opportunity to, uh, bust out my Banana Republic Mad Men collection.

Will Schuester: Okay. All right. Let's break off into smaller groups, figure out who's going to canvass which parts of the city. And guys, I don't care what Sue does or who leaves us— everyone in this group's dreams are going to come true this year. Let's do it.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Santana. Ready to help out the team?

Santana Lopez: Yeah, of course. Why?

Finn Hudson: Just checking.

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Rory Flanagan: Finn Hudson.

Finn Hudson: You know who I am?

Rory Flanagan: I've seen you on YouTube, losing Glee Club Nationals after tongue-kissing your girlfriend for ten minutes.

Finn Hudson: Uh...

Rory Flanagan: I'm a big, big fan.

Finn Hudson: Thanks. At ease. So... who are you?

Rory Flanagan: Me name's Rory Flanagan. I'm a foreign exchange stent from Ireland. And I love everything about America, especially NASCAR, your half-black president and Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Cool. Me, too.

Rory Flanagan: I'm staying at the home of Brittany S. Pierce, and she thinks I'm a leprechaun.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, she'kind of like Rain Man with boobs.

Rory Flanagan: She said if I grant her three wishes, I can get into her pot of gold. So I'm pretending to be a leprechaun. Her first wish was for an all-marshmallow box of Lucky Charms.

Finn Hudson: Ah.

Rory Flanagan: I really want to snog her. I'm still a virgin.

Finn Hudson: Have you made any friends yet?

Rory Flanagan: Not really, except for Brittany. I'm really lonely, you know? I thought America was all about different unique people coming together and accepting one another.

Finn Hudson: That's a pretty old brochure, dude.

Rory Flanagan: I could really use some more friends. Would you be my friend, Finn?

Finn Hudson: Whoa, whoa.

Rory Flanagan: It would be an honor.

Finn Hudson: In America, dudes don't ask dudes to be their friends. Except on Facebook, but even then, it can take years. Okay. I'll be your friend. But first, you got to help me. One of the best singers in Glee Club quit recently, and there's talk of more defections. You're staying at Brit's house, right? If you hear anything, let me know.

Rory Flanagan: I will.

Finn Hudson: All right.

Rory Flanagan: Thanks.

Finn Hudson: No problem. See you around.

Rory Flanagan: Finn Hudson— that's Irish, right?

Finn Hudson: Nah. Nah, my mom's from Toledo.

Shelby Corcoran: Okay, uh, I got my iPod, my cell phone. You have my number?

Noah Puckerman: You wrote it on my hand.

Shelby Corcoran: Okay. Okay. All right, honey. I'm going to go. I'll be back soon, okay? Give Mama a kiss. If she gets upset, you just do a little "Itsy Bitsy Spider." She loves that. It's okay, boo-boo. It's okay. Mommy will be right back, okay? It's okay. She'll stop as soon as I leave. I know she'll stop, okay? So don't worry. Thank you guys so much. Okay. I really appreciate it. Have a good run. "Itsy Bitsy Spider," guys. It's okay.

Noah Puckerman: Here. Let me take her. She likes me. It's okay. Big Daddy's got you. What are you doing?

Quinn Fabray: Proving that Shelby is an unfit mother. First we plant the stuff, then we call child services. Starting in the bathroom.

Noah Puckerman: Let's put you down.

Quinn Fabray: Baby botulism. Saw this lady on TV who made her kid's forehead as smooth as his butt. People practically lynched her.

Noah Puckerman: You don't think she's going to notice?

Quinn Fabray: She's only sleeping four hours a night. She barely knows her name.

Noah Puckerman: Baby sacrifice makes me sad. What's wrong with Shelby eating Mexican? Is that, like, a boob milk thing?

Quinn Fabray: It's illegal to give hot sauce to babies. This mom used to put a drop on her kid's tongue when he was bad. She went to jail for a year.

Noah Puckerman: Jail seems a little extreme. Shelby's a good mom.

Quinn Fabray: Do you want our baby back or not?

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I do.

Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad. I wanted to show you my program for McKinley's production of West Side Story. It's inspired by my favorite 1920s musicals.

Burt Hummel: Sounds great, Kurt. Some reason you're showing this to me right now?

Kurt Hummel: I was hoping that you might be interested in purchasing some ad space to help save the show.

Burt Hummel: Save the show?

Kurt Hummel: We lost the funding. We're hoping to sell enough ad space to cover the cost of the show. They're only ten dollars each. And I've already talked to the Lima Mortuary Society about buying a couple, and we... we need about 200.

Burt Hummel: You fund Sue's cheerleading squad, but you can't find a couple grand for the musical? Figgins, allow me to introduce you to some friends of mine down at the Rotary Club. These are the owners of Lima's three funeral parlors.

Mr. Danforth: Well, strictly speaking, mine is a pet funeral parlor.

Mr. Baroody: And mine is a crematorium. So we also bake and delir delicious brick oven pizza.

Burt Hummel: These three businessmen wrote a check today to fund West Side Story in completion, and are now assured full-page ads in the program for the musical.

Mr. Sher: I'm a big fan of the show, just because there are so many deaths in it.

Burt Hummel: So, Will, unless I'm mistaken, I think this means the show is back on.

Will Schuester: Burt, I think you're right.

Will Schuester: Gentlemen, thank you so much.

Mr. Baroody: Appreciate it.

Burt Hummel: Really appreciate your generosity.

Mr. Sher: All right, thank you.

Mr. Danforth: Thank you.

Will Schuester: Burt, I can't thank you enough.

Burt Hummel: Hey. Sue! Just thought I'd let you know we got the money, so the musical's back on.

Sue Sylvester: Why, if it isn't Porcelain's dad, who may or may not have a baboon heart. I thought I smelled blue collar.

Burt Hummel: Just so you know, after the musical's done, I'm going to organize as much money as I can to make sure you don't get elected.

Sue Sylvester: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up there, cheese grits. You mess with me, I will Temple of Doom my fist throught and pull out your still-pumping artificial heart which I will then hook up to my car, power us down to the lumberjack convention for some deep discounts on the Midwest's largest selection of ill-fitting flannels.

Burt Hummel: Bullies don't have a very good track record of messing with the Hummels.

Sue Sylvester: I heard, and I am literally horny with fear. You know, you might want to sneak a handful of Will Schuester's patented Butter-Flavored Follicle Cream, put some on your melon. That way, you don't have to keep wearing those baseball caps that are fooling absolutely no one.

Will Schuester: Don't know how she does it.

Burt Hummel: I would just like to see that woman lose, just once.

Rory Flanagan: No, Mummy, America's wonderful. I've made a ton of friends. No, I haven't met Colin Farrell yet, Ma. Mummy? One all-marshmallow box of Lucky Charms, as requested.

Brittany S. Pierce: This is magic. Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Rory Leprechaun. You know, now you're only, like, two wishes away from getting my pot of gold. I have another story to tell you. Every night, I feed Lord Tubbington nougat and sprinkles, and then I rub his belly seven times with glitter sticks, but so far nothing works.

Rory Flanagan: You do that because...?

Brittany S. Pierce: I want Lord Tubbington to poop candy bars. What? Does everybody wish for that or something?

Rory Flanagan: Brittany, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to do dinner tonight?

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, I can't. I have plans with a friend. And you're not supposed to eat anything but four-leaf clovers anyways, so... Thanks.

Rory Flanagan: # It's not that easy being green #
# Having to spend each day the color of the leaves #
# When I think it could be nicer #
# Being red or yellow or gold #
# Or something much more colorful like that #
# It's not that easy being green #
# It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things #
# And people tend to pass you over #
# 'Cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles #
# In the water or stars in the sky #
# But green's the color of spring #
# And green can be cool and friendly-like #
# And green can be big like an ocean #
# Or important like a mountain or tall like a tree #
# When green is all there is to be #
# It could make you wonder #
# But why wonder, why wonder?
# I'm green and it'll do fine #
# And it's beautiful #
# And I think it's what I want to be. #

Santana Lopez: Brit. I want to talk about, um, you know, that thing that we never talk about.

Brittany S. Pierce: What, that Sour Patch Kids are just Gummi Bears that turned to drugs?

Santana Lopez: Are we dating, or what?

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, isn't this a date? Aren't you paying? 'Cause I ordered shrimp. Wasn't last week when we were taking a bath together, wasn't that a date? Are you crying?

Santana Lopez: It's just that I'm really happy.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I told you last year that if I'm single and you're single, that we'd mingle. And if there's any controversy that interferes with my presidential campaign, then I'll use one of my leprechaun wishes to win the election.

Santana Lopez: You-You think that Great Gazoo kid is a leprechaun?

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, yeah. Rory's from Ireland. That means he's, like, made of magic. Don't you have any wishes that you really, really want to come true?

Santana Lopez: Yeah, I do. I'm thinking of joining Shelby's new show choir. If I did, would you join me? I'm so sick of always being backup to Rachel Berry. I want to shine and be seen as the star that I am. But I won't join without you.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't really want to be known as a quitter. Doesn't my presidential campaign need continuity? Can I think about it for, like, a day?

Santana Lopez: Yeah. No, totally. I understand. Yeah, just think about it. But in the meantime, I do have one more wish.

Brittany S. Pierce: Mm-hmm?

Santana Lopez: I wish you'd hold my hand. But, like, under the napkin.

Noah Puckerman: Global warming is awesome. All those melting ice caps keep my pool cleaning business open from March through Thanksgiving. I do my part by revving my truck's engine every day and never getting a smog check. Business is booming. I've gone from three pools to ten. I've even got an assistant now.

Pony: I found a quarter and a dead raccoon.

Noah Puckerman: Nice work, Pony. You can keep the raccoon.

Pony: Thanks.

Noah Puckerman: And then there's the ladies. I like them in all shapes and sizes. And, yeah, that sometimes includes extra large. But what really makes my nipple ring twitch are the cougars. That sun-kissed leathery skin means that they've done the nasty in all sorts of exotic places like Florida or New Mexico.

Mrs. Figler: Puck, why don't you ditch the kid and come on back? I need some help with a clogged pipe.

Noah Puckerman: Sure thing, Mrs. Figler. Oh, hey, did I show you a picture of my baby? She's so cute.

Mrs. Figler: You know what? Why don't you just send Pony in?

Noah Puckerman: No problem. Yeah, I live large and dream big. But the problem with dreams is there's always some naysayer ready to crap all over them.

Quinn Fabray: How many pools are there in Lima?

Noah Puckerman: I don't know— 25, 30?

Quinn Fabray: You need to quit messing around and get a real job. Do you have any idea how much it costs to raise a child? I called Child Protective Services, and they're backed up, but we should have our baby back within, like two weeks.

Noah Puckerman: Holy crap, I can't believe you actually called them.

Quinn Fabray: Everybody has their big plans— colleges, New York, even you have your stupid pool cleaning business. I mean, what do I have? Beth is perfect. She's my perfect thing. Something even I can't screw up. Do you know how hard it is to do something perfectly? I'll never get the chance again. So even if I never leave this town or accomplish anything... I'll have her to call mine.

Shelby Corcoran: Puck. Hi.

Noah Puckerman: Hey.

Shelby Corcoran: I was talking to my condo manager, and he's looking for a pool boy. It's an indoor pool, so it could be a year-round job. If you're interested, I could give you a card.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah. Thanks, Shelby.

Shelby Corcoran: You're welcome.

Brittany S. Pierce: He knows about my leprechaun.

Will Schuester: Okay, everyone, I have some very exciting news. Due to the collective spirit of this club— particularly the hard ad sales work of Kurt and the generosity of the entire Hummel-Hudson household— it's my pleasure to announce that we have raised the money to do West Side Story this year. All right! Good job, everyone. Great job. Thank you and thank you. Blaine, you actually had something you wanted to say, right?

Blaine Anderson: Yes, did.

Will Schuester: All right. Come on up.

Blaine Anderson: I just wanted to acknowledge that we've all had a really rough week, what with Mercedes leaving. So I prepared a little something to show what Mr. Schue just said— that the magic is still here. So this is to remind us of what Glee is all about, which is just fun.
# There's a stranger in my bed, there's a pounding in my head #
# Glitter all over the room, pink flamingos in the pool #
# I smell like a minibar, DJ's passed out in the yard #
# Barbie's on the barbeque, this a hickey or a bruise? #

Blaine, Mike & Artie: # Pictures of last night ended up online #
# I'm screwed #
# Oh, well #
# It's a blacked-out blur #
# But I'm pretty sure it ruled #
# Damn #

Blaine Anderson: # Last Friday night #
# Yeah, we danced on tabletops #
# And we took too many shots #
# Think we kissed, but I forgot #
# Last Friday night #
# Yeah, we maxed our credit cards #
# And got kicked out of the bar #
# So we hit the boulevard, last Friday night #
# We went streaking in the park, skinny-dipping ithe dark #
# Then had a ménage à trois, last Friday night #
# Yeah, I think we broke the law #
# Always say we're gonna stop, whoa #
# This Friday night #
# Do it all again #
# This Friday night #
# Do it all again #
# Do it all again #

New Directions: # T.G.I.F. #
# T.G.I.F. #
# T.G.I.F. #
# T.G.I.F. #
# Whoo! #

Blaine Anderson: # Last Friday night #
# Yeah, we danced on tabletops and we took too many shots #
# Think we kissed but I forgot #
# Last Friday night #
# Yeah, we maxed our credit cards #
# And got kicked out of the bar #
# So we hit the boulevard #
# Last Friday night #
# We went streaking in the park #
# Skinny-dipping in the dark #
# Then had a ménage à trois #
# Last Friday night #
# Yeah, I think we broke the law #
# Always say we're gonna stop #
# Whoa #
# This Friday night #
# Do it all again. #

Rachel Berry: You guys, that song is amazing. I think we should do it for Sectionals!

Santana Lopez: So... no concerns about showcasing any other voices this year at the competition?

Will Schuester: Oh, come on, Santana. You were featured last year at Sectionals.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know. And we won. Oh! No, you know what? I get it. Since Mercedes is gone this year, it's going to be the Blaine and Rachel show. Yay! You all know it's true. Noted. Good to know.

Will Schuester: Thank you, Santana.

Santana Lopez: Do not even think about talking for the next 30 seconds, okay? Nod so I know you understand me. Good. Here's the deal, Pixie-boy. You've got a crush on my girl Brittany. I understand. She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's everything that's good in this miserable, stinking world— do you agree? Good. Also, she thinks you're a spritely, green mythological creature, but I know you're a potato-eating poser, but since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I'm not gonna explode you. Here's what'gonna go down. Leprechaun, starring a young Jen Aniston, is my favorite movie. It learned me two things: 1) leprechauns like fixing shoe buckles because they're gay. And 2) they grant wishes. So you're gonna grant me a wish.

Brittany S. Pierce: What are you doing?

Rory Flanagan: Nothing. What are you doing?

Brittany S. Pierce: Lord Tubbington snuck out, and I found him at Arby's. How did you get into my room?

Rory Flanagan: I blinked. Look. I made your wish come true.

Brittany S. Pierce: Look. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! You did it, leprechaun! Yum.

Rory Flanagan: Which means... I'm just one wish away from your pot of gold. Right?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yep. Cheers. Lord Tubbington's poops are crispy and delicious.

Rory Flanagan: Brittany, I've got something to tell you. You're not the only one who knows about me.

Brittany S. Pierce: What do you mean?

Rory Flanagan: Santana found out about my secret, and she only had one wish.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, what was it?

Rory Flanagan: She wished for you to leave the New Directions and join the all-new girls' singing group.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know what to do. I love the Glee Club, and I don't want to abandon my friends, but... if you wish on a leprechaun, it has to come true.

Rory Flanagan: And with just one wish, it definitely has to come true.

Brittany S. Pierce: Why couldn't she have just wished for Lord Tubbington to quit smoking? That's it, then. I have to leave the New Directions.

Will Schuester: Hey, Burt?

Burt Hummel: Hey, Schuester.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Burt Hummel: Finally came in to get that muffler fixed?

Will Schuester: Uh, no. It's kind of my signature piece. Listen, I really want to thank you for what you did for the musical. It's about time someone stood up to Sue.

Burt Hummel: You came all the way down here to tell me that? I got a phone, you know.

Will Schuester: You are an impressive guy, Burt. Sue is winning votes by feeding off all the anger and the fear in the country right now.

Burt Hummel: What do you want, Schuester?

Will Schuester: Someone needs to run against her.

Burt Hummel: Why don't you do it?

Will Schuester: Because I promised the kids that I would be there for them all year. Besides, if an art teacher runs against her it looks like I'm just trying to protect my job. We need someone who is a man of the people, a working man who voters can relate to. When that guy says the arts are worth saving, people might listen.

Burt Hummel: That guy sounds like a good dude. I'd vote for him.

Will Schuester: I'm talking about you.

Burt Hummel: I'm way ahead of you. I had Carole check out the election rules. I'm too late to get on the ballot, but I can still run as a write-in candidate. Yeah, some chick in Alaska won doing it last year. Her name was way harder to spell than Hummel.

Will Schuester: Wait, are you serious? I mean, you— you really want to do this?

Burt Hummel: Your Glee Club saved my kid's life. All right? I mean, turns out art can do that, you know? And whether it's through singing or dancing or painting a freaking picture...

Will Schuester: I want to be your campaign manager.

Burt Hummel: Well, Kurt already claimed the gig, but I guess he's gonna need some adult supervision, so... welcome aboard.

Will Schuester: That's right.

Shelby Corcoran: Shh, shh, shh, shh... It's okay. There you go. Hold on, baby. What is it, Puck?

Noah Puckerman: Um, I justanted to come by and say thank you, for recommending me for the pool cleaning job. I got it.

Shelby Corcoran: Oh. That's great.

Noah Puckerman: Not a lot of people believe in me, and... Means a lot to me that you do.

Shelby Corcoran: Okay, not a problem. Just... It's just really bad timing right now. Okay, baby.

Noah Puckerman: You mind if I utilize your commode? My tank's on full, if you know what I mean.

Shelby Corcoran: Okay. It's okay, baby. Okay, honey. All right. It's okay. I know. I know you're tired. I know. I know. You're so tired. Okay, honey. Okay. Okay, okay. No, no, no, Puck. You know, I, just, I know you're trying to help, but I'm really overwhelmed right now, could you just-just... you have to go, okay?

Noah Puckerman: She's really into me. Look. You'll see.
# So long #
# I've been looking too hard #
# I've been waiting too long #
# Sometimes I don't know #
# What I will find #
# I only know it's a matter of time #
# When you love someone... #
# Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong? #
# This heart of mine has been hurt before #
# This time I wanna be sure #
# I've been waiting #
# For a girl like you #
# To come into my life #
# I've been waiting #
# For a girl like you #
# And a love that will survive #
# Yeah, waiting #
# For a girl like you #
# To come into my life... #

Shelby Corcoran: It's everything I wanted. To be a mom. But... it's just so damn hard. Hard to do it alone. The mess, the stickiness, the... the crying... Books about ducks wearing yellow rubber boots... it's all of it by myself, you know? But the hardest part isn't any of that stuff. It's when the amazing things happen. It's when Beth first stood. I just wanted to be able to look over, and... and share that moment with someone that loves her just as much as I do. But... no one's there.

Noah Puckerman: Listen... If you ever need any help... I'm here for you. Always.

Rory Flanagan: Finn! I've got top-secret intel, and you're not gonna like it.

Finn Hudson: Is it true?

Brittany S. Pierce: No. Of course not.

Finn Hudson: You're not leaving New Directions?

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh. I thought you were talking about the Selena Gomez pregnancy rumors. Uh... yes. I'm quitting Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: We need you! We're like a big family, and this is our year to win it all!

Santana Lopez: That's right, Double-Stuffed- Fatty-Gassy-McGravPants. We are just one, big, happy-happy family.

Finn Hudson: Santana, stay out of this...

Santana Lopez: You are such a bacon-wrapped-bugeyed hypocrite. It's freaking hilarious how jealous of Blaine you are. Every time he opens his dreamboat acapella mouth, you're just itching to kick him right in the Warblers.

Finn Hudson: Brittany, we can't survive any more defections. And I know you don't want to leave.

Brittany S. Pierce: No, I know. It's just that Santana, she made a wish on Rory my leprechaun...

Finn Hudson: Brittany, there's no such thing as leprechauns. And all that stuff about Santa being real last year was cute, but this leprechaun crap? I mean, at some point you just gotta grow up and stop being such an idiot.

Brittany S. Pierce: What did you just call me?

Finn Hudson: Brittany, I didn't mean it... like that...

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. All the guys in Glee Club call me that. And you're the leader, so that makes you the worst of them all. You cannot call your future president an idiot. It's mean, it's bullying, and I won't accept it.

Santana Lopez: Hey, Mercedes, wait up!

Brittany S. Pierce: Whoo!

Mercedes Jones: Hey.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. So who else is in this girl group besides us?

Make-Up Woman: Okay! All finished.

Sue Sylvester: You are nowhere near finished. You made me look 26. I asked you to make me look 22.

Rod Remington: Uh, excuse me, sweetie. Susan, we have a problem. You're a candidate for office, so campaign law says we have to give your new opponent equal time.

Sue Sylvester: What new opponent?

Burt Hummel: Hi, folks. My name is Burt Hummel, and I want to be your congressman. Now, Sue Sylvester, she's gotten a lot of mileage, coming on this show and scaring you into thinking that a high school putting on a musical is the reason why your neighbor's house got foreclosed on. Now, what she doesn't tell you is how she spends twice the entire McKinley High School Arts budget on things like leg-warmers for her Cheerios. She wants you to think that the arts are a luxury we just can't afford, but she's got it backwards. You know, in this economy, art, music, theatre, dance, these are things we can't afford to lose. Now, Sue Sylvester thinks that fostering a student's creativity is a waste of money. I think it's the way you invest in this country's future. We all need to get creative. You got an idea how we can boo jobs in this district? I want to hear it. You send it to Hummel Tires and Lube— Lima, Ohio. And if you think I'd make a better representative for this community than Sue Sylvester, write in Burt Hummel. Just don't let Sue shortchae our kids. My name is Burt Hummel. And that's how I see it.

Sugar Motta: Motta Mia. Tomato, To-Motta. Loco-Motta! Awesome, more back-up for me.

Santana Lopez: Oh, okay, you know what? I did not just leave one diva-driven Glee Club to join another. So let me write you a reality check, Richie Bitch. I've seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly.

Sugar Motta: I, um... just wanted to be on the winning team for once.

Mercedes Jones: Then turn down the 'tude, and you will be.

Shelby Corcoran: Ladies. Welcome. We were just brainstorming names for our new group.

Santana Lopez: Perfect. Hot Bitches. Or Hot Messes.

Brittany S. Pierce: Free Beer.

Shelby Corcoran: Uh, okay, I was thinking something that more captured our essence, sums up who we want to be, who we really are.

Mercedes Jones: What we are is trouble for the other groups.

Shelby Corcoran: The Troubletones... I like it.

Santana Lopez: That's good.

Sugar Motta: I like that, too.

The Troubletones: # Tarzan and Jane were swingin' on a vine #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # Candyman, Candyman #

The Troubletones: # Sippin' from a bottle of vodka double wine #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # Sweet... sugar... candy man #

Mercedes Jones: # Hey, hey, yeah #

Mercedes & Santana: # I met him out for dinner on a Friday night #
# He really had me working up an appetite #
# He had tattoos up and down his arm #
# There's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm #
# He's a one-stop shop, kes the panties drop #
# He's a sweet-talkin', sugar-coated candy man #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # Sweet... sugar... candy man #

Brittany S. Pierce: # He's a one-stop, gotcha-hot, making all the panties drop #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # Sweet... sugar... candy man #
# He's a one-stop, got me hot, making my... uhh-uhh #
# Sweet... sugar... candy man #
# He's a one-stop, get it while it's hot, baby, don't stop #
# Sweet... sugar... #
# He had those lips like sugar cane #
# Good things come for boys who wait #
# He's a one-stop shop, with a real big... uhh... #
# He's a sweet-talkin', sugar-coated candy man #

Mercedes Jones: # Hey #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # Candy man #
# Candy man #

Santana Lopez: # Hey! #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # Candy man #
# Candy man! #

Shelby Corcoran: Now that's what I'm talking about.

Finn Hudson: Oh man, this is trouble.

Will Schuester: Big trouble.

Mercedes Jones: Seriously, Sectionals should just give us the trophy; you know it's ours.

Finn Hudson: Hey. I saw you guys perform, and it was incredible. I don't want it to be this way, but... I understand. I just... want what's best for all of you. Brit, I need to apologize. What I said wasn't cool. I don't want to ruin our friendship. Any of our friendships.

Brittany S. Pierce: I accept your apology.

Finn Hudson: Thanks. Um... I guess I'll see you guys around.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay.

Santana Lopez: Bye.

Brittany S. Pierce: Bye, Finn.

Mercedes Jones: Be nice.

Rory Flanagan: Brittany, Brittany. Your third wish has come true. You wished that by quitting Glee Club, you wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, and Finn was all happy and smiling. So... I'm ready for my pot of gold.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, no, my wish didn't come true. He wasn't smiling because he was happy. He was heartbroken. Leprechauns don'exist; I realize this now. It would be really cool if they did, but they don't.

Santana Lopez: Oh, I have one final wish, Leprechaun. Would you do this whole school a favor, and just disappear?

Burt Hummel: So, anyways, I know this happened really fast, I figured you might have some questions. I mean, I got some questions...

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Um, if we win, what happens? Do we just move to Washington?

Burt Hummel: Well, it'd be, you know, maybe, half and half. But you know, Kurt's gonna be in college and you know, you're gonna be... technically an adult, too. You know, on a football scholarship or... I don't know. I'm going to need a lot of help at the tire shop.

Finn Hudson: Like... running it?

Carole Hudson-Hummel: Only if that's something you want. This should be good for all of us, not just for Burt and me. But for now, we need to support your dad.

Burt Hummel: Pretty quiet over there.

Kurt Hummel: I want you to do this, Dad. But think about the stress. You were just in the hospital, almost dead. And Sue's going to make your life a living hell.

Burt Hummel: I know she will.

Kurt Hummel: She's gonna have a field day with this whole having a gay son thing.

Burt Hummel: I'm proud of you, Kurt. Don't care who knows it. And yeah. I almost died. But a thing like that makes you really realize what matters. And when things are in the dumps like this, you gotta stand up and fight.Right? You understand. You taught me that.

Sue Sylvester: Well, I'm sorry to interrupt family time. I just wanted to welcome you to the race. And in celebration, I brought you a Breadsticks classic: The Gutbuster Extreme. It's on me. You know, I really need to thank you. Your Burt's Corner last night was a real wake-up call. You know, I'd lost track of why I wanted to run in the first place. And it wasn't about the arts. It was about my sister.

Kurt Hummel: So... you... you're not cutting the arts program?

Sue Sylvester: Sweet Porcelain, so naive. Of course I'm cutting the arts. You know what public school program is the first to go in a recession? Special Education. There are special needs kids at McKinley, yet there's no special ed classes, no special ed teacher. I think that might be a better use of school funds than flying the Glee Club to New York without a set list, only to lose at Nationals with a song they made up the night before. Have a good aneurism.

Finn Hudson: Anyone mind if I just dig in?

Rick Nelson: Say U2's over-rated. Say it.

Rory Flanagan: Never!

Finn Hudson: Hey! Leave him alone.

Rick Nelson: Or what, Pigskin? You're gonna run crying to Mr. Schue? Oh, I'm shakin'.

Finn Hudson: No. Not Mr. Schue. Coach Beiste.

Rory Flanagan: Thanks, Finn Hudson. I've got no reason to expect you to be nice to me after I ruined your Glee Club.

Finn Hudson: I get it. You were just trying to make friends. I know it's not easy being the new kid around school, not fitting in anywhere. And when no one stood up for you, I should have stood up for you. Look, I'll tell you what: I know you're not a leprechaun, so, I'll grant you a wish.

Mike Chang: Awful lot of empty chairs in here.

Rachel Berry: This is a disaster. This is not the way that senior year of Glee Club was supposed to be.

Will Schuester: Look, guys, I know this is gonna be hard. This isn't how I pictured starting out this year, either.

Finn Hudson: Then I guess we've got our work cut out for us. What happens when the pope dies?

Kurt Hummel: Heaven, you'd think.

Finn Hudson: You get a new pope. There's always new talent to be found. Always a new voice, right, Mr. Schue? Well, everybody, I'd like to introduce my friend Rory Flanagan. He's interested in joining Glee Club.

Quinn Fabray: Can this kid even sing?

Rory Flanagan: I sing at Mass every Sunday, and I love American music. If you don't mind, I'd like to dedicate this song to my family, who I miss so much.
# It's time for us to part #
# Yeah, it's best for us to part #
# Oh, but I love you #
# # Ooh #
# I love you #
# Take care of yourself #
# I'll miss you #
# And no more tears to cry #
# I'm out of good-byes #

Rachel Berry: He's magical.

Rory Flanagan: # It's time for us to part #
# Although it breaks my heart #
# Oh, 'cause I love you #
# Ooh #
# I love you #
# Take care of yourself #
# Take care of yourself #
# Take care of yourself #
# I love you. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: McKinley's doing West Side Story, and everyone's excited, especially Coach Beiste and Emma and Artie, because they're the directors. Blaine got the lead, and so did Rachel, which made Mercedes quit the Glee club and join Shelby's Troubletones with Santana and Brittany. Mike Chang's playing Riff, even though his dad told him he can't be a dancer.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Riff is perfect for you.

Ian Brennan: I think he wants him to go to doctor college or something. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Artie Abrams: You see this face? This is what enlightenment looks like. It doesn't matter if he's in prison like Gandhi, or trapped inside a woman's body like Chaz Bono, or stuck in a wheelchair like me, when a man finds his calling, all is right in his world. I still ve performing, but thanks to Mr. Schue and the school musical, I've finally discovered my true passion... bossing everyone around. I mean directing. The key to being a director is having opinions about everything. No. Even stuff you have no id. No.

Rachel Berry: I think it's great.

Artie Abrams: Go. Definitely.

Rachel Berry: Really? No.

Artie Abrams: That's it.

Rachel Berry: Oh.

Artie Abrams: That's it. I'm both sad and happy that the musical is just days away.

Rachel Berry / Maria: # Tonight, tonight #
# It all began tonight #
# I saw you and the world went away #
# Tonight, tonight, there's only you tonight #
# What you are, what you do, what you say #

Blaine Anderson / Tony: #Today, all day I had the feeling #
# A miracle would happen #
# I know now I was right #

Rachel & Blaine: # For here you are #
# And what was just a world is a star #
# Tonight... #

Blaine Anderson: Are you going to cry every time we sing?

Shannon Beiste: I'm such a girl.

Emma Pillsbury: My only note is more teeth.

Artie Abrams: Can I be honest? This song is about sexual awakening, as is the entire musical. You two lack passion. Have either of you two actually...?

Emma Pillsbury: Wow, okay. I have to go. Because I have...

Shannon Beiste: Those footballs aren't going to inflate themselves. I'm out of here.

Artie Abrams: Look, I remember my first time with Brittany. The excitement, the way it made me feel like a man... even though she called me the wrong name like four times, during and after. What was it like for you guys?

Rachel Berry: Um...

Blaine Anderson: I'm, I'm waiting for the right time.

Rachel Berry: Yeah. Yeah, me-me, too. I'm so glad that you're my Tony.

Artie Abrams: Look... as your friend I support your strange aversion to fun. But as your director, I'm concerned.

Rachel Berry: I'm, I'm sorry, what do you mean?

Artie Abrams: Well, how do you expect to convey the human perience to an audience when you haven't even opened yourself up to one of humanity's most basic and primal ones?

Rachel Berry: Um... one over there. So, you, um... you still haven't told me who you're ving for yet.

Finn Hudson: Well, I haven't decided. Kurt's my brother. It's kind of hard to vote against your brother.

Rachel Berry: Well, I mean, you can't do this with your brother.

Finn Hudson: Not unless you live in Kentucky. What's gotten into you?

Rachel Berry: Nothing. It's just the confidence of success. I mean, I sold out the April Rhodes Auditorium for three shows, Jacob Ben Israel's poll have me in tied for first place in the presidential race, and I have the hottest guy in school. I hope that my radiance isn't too much for you.

Finn Hudson: It won't be after Friday night.

Rachel Berry: What's Friday night?

Finn Hudson: That is the day that the recruiter from Ohio State is coming. They're looking for a new quarterback.

Rachel Berry: Really? That's amazing!

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I know. You... you're not pissed?

Rachel Berry: No. No, of course not. It's not like NYADA has a football team. It's really happening. You know, our dreams are coming true, and we're growing up.

Finn Hudson: I know. And... hey, I was thinking. Um, Burt and my mom are out canvassing all week and I have the house to myself. Maybe you could come over.

Rachel Berry: To your house? I'll be there at 6:00.

Finn Hudson: Oh, man.

Blaine Anderson: God. Roxy Music makes me want to build a time machine just so I can go back to the '70s and give Brian Ferry a high five.

Kurt Hummel: Do you think I'm boring?

Blaine Anderson: Are you crazy? You're the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.

Kurt Hummel: I mean, like... sexually. I mean, we are playing it very safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, I-I thought that's what we wanted.

Kurt Hummel: It is. I'm just wondering, have you ever had the urge just to rip off each other's clothes and get dirty?

Blaine Anderson: Uh, yeah. But that's why they invented masturbation.

Kurt Hummel: It's so hot in this room. Could we, could we open up a window?

Blaine Anderson: Hey, I'm serious. We're young. We're in high school. Yeah, we have urges, but whatever we do, I want to make sure that you're comfortable. So I can be comfortable. And besides, tearing off all of your clothes is sort of a tall order.

Kurt Hummel: Because of the layers?

Blaine Anderson: Because of the layers.

Shannon Beiste: Man, I love to weld.

Artie Abrams: Clearly. Coach, I'm concerned.

Shannon Beiste: Huh?

Artie Abrams: Why did you run out of rehearsal the other day when we started talking about S-E-X?

Shannon Beiste: Artie, this conversation is totally inappropriate.

Artie Abrams: Wait. Have you never...? Why? Have you just never found the right... person?

Shannon Beiste: Guy. I like guys. And no, I haven't found him. All right, I'll play. There's this one gentleman. He's the bee's knees. His name's Cooter Mankins. He's a recruiter for Ohio State. He's beautiful. He makes me feel like a girl... but he's not interested.

Cooter Menkins: You're a hell of a coach, Coach. So much talent. I'm famished. Want to go get some lunch?

Shannon Beiste: Nah. But you can have the rest of my chili. There's nothing left but gristle and a few beans, but it eats pretty good.

Shannon Beiste: So, anyway, that's my type. Not that it matters.

The Warblers: # Oh-oh-oh-oh... #

Nick Duval: # Uptown girl #
# Uptown girl #
# She's been living in her white bread world #
# White bread world #
# As long as anyone with hot blood can #
# Hot blood can #
# And now she's looking for a downtown man #
# Downtown man #
# That's what I am #
# And when she knows #
# What she wants from her time #
# And when she wakes up #
# And makes up her mind #

Sebastian Smythe: # She'll see I'm not so tough #
# Just because I'm in love #

Nick Duval: # With an uptown girl #
# You know I can't afford to buy her pearls #
# But maybe someday when my ship comes in #
# She'll understand what kind of guy I've been #
# And then I'll win #
# And when she's walking #
# She's looking so fine #

Sebastian Smythe: # And when she's talking #
# She'll say that she's mine #

Thad Harwood: # She'll say I'm not so tough #
# Just because I'm in love #

Nick Duval: # With an uptown girl #
# She's been living in her white bread world #
# As long as anyone with hot blood can #
# And now she's looking for a downtown man #
# That's what I am #

The Warblers: # Oh-oh-oh-oh... #

Nick Duval: # Uptown girl #
# She's my uptown girl #
# Don't you know I'm in love #
# With an uptown girl #
# Uptown girl #
# My uptown girl #
# Don't you know I'm in love #
# With an uptown #
# Girl. #

Blaine Anderson: You guys killed it, as always!

Trent Nixon: We'd sound so much better with you back in the mix. Is this your triumphant return to Dalton? Please?

Blaine Anderson: Actually, I'm here to invite you guys to my opening night at McKinley. West Side Story. I reserved a whole block of tickets just for the Warblers. It would mean the world to me if you guys could come.

Sebastian Smythe: We'll be there. Once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right? Blaine Anderson. Sebastian Smythe.

Blaine Anderson: Hi. Are you a freshman?

Sebastian Smythe: Do I look like a freshman?

Blaine Anderson: Uh...

Sebastian Smythe: So you're a legend at Dalton.

Blaine Anderson: Well, I...

Sebastian Smythe: Don't be modest. I was like, "I don't know who this Blaine guy is, "but apparently he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream. So... sucks that I missed him." All right. Since I'm working to recreate your meteoric ascent, I-I need to ask. Why did you leave Dalton? Were you bored with all the preppies around here? Or is it that you broke too many hearts to stay?

Santana Lopez / Anita: #A boy like that, who'd kill your brother #
# Forget that boy and find another #
# One of your own kind #
# Stick to your own kind #

Blaine Anderson: Uh, it wasn't like that. Let's just say that I miss Dalton every day, but McKinley is where my heart is, now.

Santana Lopez / Anita: #A boy like that wants one thing only #
# And when he's done, he'll leave you lonely #
# He'll murder your love; he murdered mine #
# Just wait and see #
# Just wait, Maria #
# Just wait and see #

Rachel Berry / Maria: # Oh, no, Anita, no, Anita, no #
# It isn't true, not for me #
# It's true for you, not for me #
# I hear your words, and in my head #
# I know they're smart #
# But my heart, Anita #
# But my heart knows they're wrong #
# You should know better #
# You were in love, or so you said #
# You should know better. #

Sebastian Smythe: I have to go to lacrosse practice, but could we meet again? I could really use some more insights from you, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler.

Blaine Anderson: Sure.

Finn Hudson: Hey, dude, I got a question for you.

Noah Puckerman: I thought they were my sneakers.

Finn Hudson: What?

Noah Puckerman: What?

Finn Hudson: No, no, look, I figured since you have some more experience than I do, you could recommend a brand of condom.

Noah Puckerman: Are you cheating on Rachel, dude? Because if you are, that is not cool. And that's coming from me.

Finn Hudson: No. I want to use them with Rachel.

Noah Puckerman: Oh. I'm happy for you, dude, and her. I always thought it would be me, but secretly hoped it'd be you. As for the condoms, no idea... never used them. It's worked out for me about 99% of the time.

Shannon Beiste: Gather round! You all know Cooter Mankins. Best eye for talent in the country if you ask me.

Cooter Menkins: Which is why I spend so much time with you, Coach. Hey, are those new tube socks?

Shannon Beiste: I got a whole new six-pack if you need to borrow a pair.

Cooter Menkins: All right, this Friday night I will be in the stands watching you play. And I'm not looking for boys to play for the Buckeyes. I'm looking for men.

Kurt Hummel: If you see any of Rachel's campaign posters feel free to tear them down.

Blaine Anderson: Do you think we're too sheltered as artists? I'm serious. West Side Story's all about living outside of your safe little world. Don't you want to wake up every day and be adventurous? Experience everything in life you can?

Kurt Hummel: Of course, it's why I made a bucket list. Okay, you ready for this?

Blaine Anderson: Okay.

Kurt Hummel: All right, here you go. Number 87: become CEO of Logo.

Blaine Anderson: Of course.

Kurt Hummel: Number 63: lay a rose at the birthplace of Noel Coward. Okay, number five. All right, this one's really embarrassing. I wrote this before I met you. Have relations on a dewy meadow of lilac with Taylor Lautner before he gets fat. Oh, yeah, I know, it's stupid.

Blaine Anderson: No, it's not. It's hot.

Kurt Hummel: Well, anyway, we're-we're young, so we've got all the time in the world to be adventurous.

Blaine Anderson: Don't you think now is the time to be adventurous while we're still young?

Artie Abrams: Excuse me, Mr. Cooter, I'm Artie Abrams. Could I see you in my office? It's important.

Cooter Menkins: You don't mean the handicapped stall, do you?

Artie Abrams: Uh, no. But that is hilarious.

Cooter Menkins: Holy hell! What is this, a movie theatre or something?

Artie Abrams: You like Coach Beiste, right?

Cooter Menkins: Yeah, yeah, of course I do. She's the best football coach in the state.

Artie Abrams: Yeah, but do you like her, like her?

Cooter Menkins: You know, I've asked her out about a million times. She's not interested. Last week I told her I had a gift certificate to Applebee's. She told me fancy restaurants make her nervous.

Artie Abrams: You have to ask her out again.

Cooter Menkins: No way, Andy. She's gonna blow me off.

Artie Abrams: Trust me. You need to ask her out again, but make it really obvious. I have the perfect idea for a date.

Blaine Anderson: I can't believe you asked for a shot of Courvoisier in your coffee.

Sebastian Smythe: I forget how lame this town is. When I lived in Paris, I drank it like it was mother's milk.

Blaine Anderson: When...? Oh, okay, wow.

Sebastian Smythe: What?

Blaine Anderson: You're just so, you know, you're out there.

Sebastian Smythe: And your whole bashful schoolboy thing? Super hot.

Blaine Anderson: Look, Sebastian, I have a boyfriend.

Sebastian Smythe: Doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.

Blaine Anderson: No, I mean, I really care about him.

Sebastian Smythe: He doesn't need to know.

Blaine Anderson: I'd just never want to mess my thing up with him in any way. He's really great.

Kurt Hummel: Who's really great?

Blaine Anderson: You! We were just talking about you. Sebastian, this is Kurt, my boyfriend, who I was just...

Sebastian Smythe: Got it.

Blaine Anderson: Wow. Wow.

Kurt Hummel: Pleasure. And how do we know Sebastian?

Sebastian Smythe: We met at Dalton. Was dying to meet Blaine. Those Warblers just won't shut up about him. Didn't think he could live up to the hype, but as it turns out...

Kurt Hummel: Yes, he's even more impressive in the flesh.

Sebastian Smythe: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Kurt Hummel: Well, we're rehearsing for the school musical. And then, at bedtime, we do a rigorous skin-sloughing regimen over the phone together.

Sebastian Smythe: And as sexy as that sounds, what do you say we shake things up? I get you guys a couple of fake IDs and we head over to Scandals in West Lima.

Blaine Anderson: Scandals? That's the gay bar.

Sebastian Smythe: The last time I was there, I met the man of my dreams on the dance floor.

Kurt Hummel: That's so sweet. And are you two still together?

Sebastian Smythe: Sadly, no. We broke up about 20 minutes after we met. Come on, guys. Live a little.

Blaine Anderson: We would love to, Sebastian. Thank you for the offer. But, that's very nice of you, but that just isn't our kind of thing.

Kurt Hummel: Let's do it.

Blaine Anderson: What?

Kurt Hummel: Yeah. We have a whole bunch of firsts to start crossing off our list. We're in.

Sebastian Smythe: Great.

Blaine Anderson: Great.

Rachel Berry: That was amazing. I've never had meat substitute before that tastes that much like real meat.

Finn Hudson: Of course. Because you're a vegan, which I remember because we know each other so well. More sparking cider?

Rachel Berry: Mm-hmm. Thank you. Should we make a toast?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: All right. To four full months of no fighting or threats of us breaking up. Nothing but love, love, love.

Finn Hudson: Cheers. Oh, should I go make dessert? I've got pound cake. It's Sara Lee.

Rachel Berry: Oh, actually I thought maybe we could just go snuggle by the fire first.

Finn Hudson: Okay. I brought protection.

Rachel Berry: Me, too. Every modern girl comes prepared.

Finn Hudson: Wait, wait. Before we do this, I need to know, why now? The last time we talked about this, you said you wanted to wait until you won a Tony.

Rachel Berry: Or any other major award. Emmy, Golden Globe. People's Choice would have gotten you to third base. But I don't know what changed. I mean, even the thought of going to New York a virgin felt silly to me. But when and who's gonna feel more right than you and now? And I love you.

Finn Hudson: I just want to make sure this is special enough for you. I've been saving up for a hotel for us. Someplace nice like a Marriot or something. If we wait a couple of weeks, I could probably...

Rachel Berry: No, I can't wait a couple weeks. I have to get this done before opening night.

Finn Hudson: Get this done?

Rachel Berry: I can't play airl who has a sexual awakening if I'm not woken up myself.

Finn Hudson: So you're doing this so you can act better?

Rachel Berry: No! No! I'm doing this because I love you and so that I can act better. But that's my business, okay? It has nothing to do with you, so... Where are you going? No, no, I'm-I'm ready. Please come back.

Finn Hudson: I-I just need a minute. I'm gonna make dessert.

Mike Chang Sr.: When were you gonna tell me?

Mike Chang: Tell you what?

Mike Chang Sr.: That you're doing the school musical. I overheard your mother talking about it on the phone. You lied to me, and you made a liar out of your mother. You will quit immediately.

Mike Chang: No! I love being a dancer.

Mike Chang Sr.: When I was in high school I wanted to be a tennis player, but then I had to wake up and realize that I wasn't good enough. Grow up, Michael! You need to learn the difference between grown-up dreams and kid dreams.

Mike Chang: I'm not going to be a doctor. I will be a professional dancer. I'll pay my own way through college. I don't want your money.

Mike Chang Sr.: As long as you continue to waste your life with this silly fantasy, you will no longer be my son.

Mike Chang: Then I guess I don't have a dad anymore.

Cooter Menkins: Need somebody to spot you?

Shannon Beiste: No, I'm good. I lift big and solo.

Cooter Menkins: You'd be surprised how much I could bench. If I got the chance.

Shannon Beiste: Gotcha. I'll be through here in a sec, and then they're all yours. Did you need me for something?

Cooter Menkins: Yeah. Yeah, I do. I, uh... I got these.

Shannon Beiste: Are you going to a graveyard?

Cooter Menkins: No, no, I got them for you.

Shannon Beiste: I'm not sick.

Cooter Menkins: Dang it, Shannon, can you just, can you drop the weights, please, and talk to me for a second? Man, you ever just have something you really wanted to get out, and you just couldn't seem to do it?

Shannon Beiste: I had a chigger in my thigh once. It was the size of a Tic Tac.

Cooter Menkins: I want to take you out on a date. A real honest-to-God sit-down date where you dress up like a lady and I dress up like a gentleman. Yes or no?

Shannon Beiste: Why are you doing this, Cooter? Somebody put you up to this?

Cooter Menkins: Geez. Why don't you get that I'm attracted to you?

Shannon Beiste: Because you're the kind of man that could have any pretty girl he pointed at, and I don't look the way pretty girls look.

Cooter Menkins: Well, good... 'cause I don't date girls. I just date women. Beautiful women. Like you. So, take the flowers. Go on. So, Friday... after the game.

Rachel Berry: This emergency meeting is now in session. Now I realize that we are a house divided, but I need the advice of my girls. The last time I called a meeting like thiwas during our Madonna lesson, and all of you were wildly unhelpful. But it's been two years now, and we've all grown up, so I'm optimistic. Finn and I were... almost intimate.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Almost? What happened?

Rachel Berry: He ran out. I just... I wanted my performance of Maria to be as realistic as possible and when he found out that that's why I was doing it, he got really, really hurt.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Of course he was hurt.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, that's really bad, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: I know. I know. I feel terribl And now I realize that I was just doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Quinn Fabray: Do you want my advice? Just wait.

Rachel Berry: Just wait?

Quinn Fabray: Look what happened to me.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You could've used protection.

Quinn Fabray: I'm not just talking about getting pregnant, I'm-I'm talking about losing something that you can never get back. It changes you. It makes everything more complicated.

Santana Lopez: I also think that you should wait. Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Santana, that is not cool.

Santana Lopez: Oh, what? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth. Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out-of-breath sack of potatoes that someone soaked in body spray.

Brittany S. Pierce: I lost my virginity at cheerleading camp. He just climbed into my tent. Alien invasion.

Rachel Berry: Okay, well, then I guess it's settled. Obviously, things are heating up between Finn and I. But I think we should wait.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Losing my virginity was a great experience for me... because I was with someone I love.

Rachel Berry / Maria: # I have a love #
# And it's all that I have #
# Right or wrong, what else #
# Can I do? #

Tina Cohen-Chang: It happened this summer. Mike and I had talked about it for awhile, because we knew that the first time was gonna be something we'd want to remember forever.

Rachel Berry / Maria: # I love him #
# I'm his #
# And everything he is #
# I am, too... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: And when that moment came... we just knew. It was right. It wasn't rushed. It was amazing.

Santana & Rachel: # When love comes so strong #
# There is no right or wrong #
# Your love is... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: He's my first love. And I'll always look back at that moment as absolutely perfect... no regrets.

Santana & Rachel: # Your life... #

Kurt Hummel: Chazz Donaldsworth? This doesn't even look like me.

Blaine Anderson: Don't worry. Mine says I'm 38. They'll work.

Kurt Hummel: Okay. Aloha!

Bouncer: Enjoy. It's Drag Queen Wednesday.

Blaine Anderson: Great. It's not very scandalous...

Kurt Hummel: Au contraire. Look at all the, uh, glamorous drag queens. Look, there's uh, Cher and Tina Turner and, uh, uh... is that Lucy or Reba?

Blaine Anderson: That is Ginger from Gilligan's Island.

Kurt Hummel: Of course.

ABC: # Then I say "I love you" and foul the situation... #

Kurt Hummel: I really don't like that guy.

Blaine Anderson: He's harmless.

Sebastian Smythe: A beer for Blaine, and for Kurt, a Shirley Temple with extra cherries. I heard you're the designated driver. Like, all the time. Cheers, boys. To the glamorous life.

ABC: # I thought you loved me, but it seems you don't care #
# I care enough to know I can never love you #
# Who broke my heart? You did, you did... #

Dave Karofsky: You better watch your boyfriend. Could I get another beer, please?

Kurt Hummel: So, how's life at your new school?

Dave Karofsky: Fine. Look, I just want to have a normal senior year and play football without my teammates hearing rumors about me.

Kurt Hummel: Just so that you know, I would have never told anyone. It's not who I am. So, you come here all the time?

Dave Karofsky: People like me here. I feel accepted. I'm what they call a bear cub.

Kurt Hummel: Because you look like Yogi?

Dave Karofsky: I don't know, because I'm burly or something. So... so is this the point where you judge me?

Kurt Hummel: No, as long as you're not beating people up, I am all for being whoever you have to be at your own speed.

Thelma Houston: # Oh, baby, don't leave me this way #

Dave Karofsky: Right now, I'm just trying to get through high school.

Thelma Houston: # I can't exist #
# I'll surely miss #

Dave Karofsky: Here's to baby steps.

Thelma Houston: # Your tender kiss #

Kurt Hummel: Baby steps.

Thelma Houston: # Don't leave me this way #
# Baby, my heart is full of love and desire for you #
# Now come on down and do what you gotta do #
# You started this fire down in my soul #
# Now can't you see it's burning out of control? #

Blaine Anderson: This was the best night of my life.

Kurt Hummel: Okay. All right.

Blaine Anderson: It's the best night of my life. I want to live here. I want to live here. And I just want to make art and you know, just help people.

Kurt Hummel: You could certainly help people make fires with your breath.

Blaine Anderson: Hey, come on, I only h one beer.

Kurt Hummel: Sure, you did.

Blaine Anderson: Hey.

Kurt Hummel: What?

Blaine Anderson: Kiss me. Kiss me.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, no, no, no, no... Come on... Come on, you're riding in the back. Come on. Lay down.

Blaine Anderson: All right, all right.

Kurt Hummel: You're less likely to throw up that way.

Blaine Anderson: Get in there.

Kurt Hummel: Whoa, wait! Okay... All right, Blaine, all right. Cold hand, cold hand!

Blaine Anderson: Come on, come on. Hey, Kurt, let's just do it. I... I want you.

Kurt Hummel: No, no...

Blaine Anderson: I want you so...

Kurt Hummel: No, Blaine, no, just... Stop it...

Blaine Anderson: Hey, listen, I-I know you wanted to do it in a field of lilacs with Sting playing in the background and all that, but who cares where we are? It's all about us, right?

Kurt Hummel: Right, it's about us. Which is why I don't want to do it on a night that you spent half of dancing with another guy and that you're sober enough to remember it the next day!

Blaine Anderson: Why are you yelling at me?

Kurt Hummel: Because I have never felt less like being intimate with someone and either you can't tell or you just don't care. Where are you going?

Blaine Anderson: I'm sorry if I'm trying to be spontaneous and fun. I think I'm just gonna walk home.

Kurt Hummel: Blaine! God!

Rachel Berry: Just so you know, your Maria has disappointed you. I'm still a virgin.

Blaine Anderson: And your Tony has disappointed you. Me, too.

Rachel Berry: Look, the audience is smart. The only sensible solution is to just cancel the show. I'd rather send everybody home than give a false, inauthentic performance.

Artie Abrams: Five minutes! Rachel, darken your eyebrows. Blaine, tone down the blush.

Rachel Berry: My eyebrows are fine.

Emma Pillsbury: Artie? Artie, are you okay? You look upset.

Artie Abrams: Everything is wrong. The scenery, the costumes, the staging. You know, I thought if I just pretended like I knew what I was doing I could lie my way through it, but in five minutes that curtain is going to go up and everybody is going to know that I'm a fraud.

Emma Pillsbury: Artie, you were brilliant. Really, this show is absolutely amazing, and that is all thanks to you.

Artie Abrams: It's awful. I let everybody down.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Hey, Artie, some of the cast needs to talk to you before we go on.

Artie Abrams: See? It's mutiny.

Noah Puckerman: Dude, we have a problem.

Santana Lopez: We haven't officially thanked you for everything that you've done for us.

Tina Cohen-Chang: All of us were so nervous, and we didn't know what we were doing and you were like the lighthouse that lead us to the way.

Artie Abrams: But I didn't know what I was doing, either. When you're in a chair, it hard to... ever feel like you've grown up. Everyone's always doing stuff for you, they get freaked out about saying the wrong thing, so... they coddle you. Sometimes it's hard to ever picture a life of being totally self-sufficient. But directing you guys, the way you trusted me, the way you looked at me and listened to me, it was the first time in my life that I ever... felt like a grown man. That's the greatest gift you can give a guy, so... So, thank you guys... for the flowers and for everything. All right, show circle.

Noah Puckerman: May I, chief? Let's kick some ass!

Noah Puckerman / Bernardo: When I think about how we came to America! Like children! Believing! Trusting!

Santana Lopez / Anita: Ah, trusting with our hearts open...

Tina Cohen-Chang / Rosalia: With our arms open...

Rory Flanagan / Indio: You came with your mouth open.

Shannon Beiste: We gotta work on this kid's diction.

Will Schuester: Without a doubt, the best musical McKinley's ever done.

Emma Pillsbury: We'll see. It's a risky artistic choice weaving the Jets into "America," but Artie insisted. I just hope that people go with it, you know?

Santana Lopez / Anita: # Puerto Rico #
# My heart's devotion #
# Let it sink back in the ocean #
# Always the hurricanes blowing #
# Always the population growing #
# And the money owing #
# And the sunlight streaming #
# And the natives steaming #
# I like the island Manhattan #

Tina Cohen-Chang / Rosalia: # I know you do! #

Santana Lopez / Anita: # Smoke on your pipe #
# And put that in #

Sharks Girls: # I like to be in America #
# Okay by me in America #
# Everything free in America #

Noah Puckerman / Bernardo: # For a small fee in America #

Santana Lopez / Anita: # Lots of new housing with more space #

Noah Puckerman / Bernardo: # Lots of doors slamming in our face #

Santana Lopez / Anita: # I'll get a terrace apartment #

Noah Puckerman / Bernardo: # Better get rid of your accent #

Santana Lopez / Anita: # Life can be bright in America #

Sharks Boys: # If you can fight in America #

Sharks Girls: # Life is so bright in America #

Sharks Boys: # If you're all-white in America #

Sharks: # La-la, la-la-la, America #
# La-la, la-la-la, America #
# La-la, la-la-la, America #
# America! #

Sharks Girls: # Here you are free and you have pride #

Mike Chang / Riff: # Long as you stay on your own side #

Sharks Girls: # Free to be anything you choose #

Mike Chang / Riff: # Free to wait tables and shine shoes #

Sharks Girls: # I like to be in America #
# Okay by me in America #
# Everything free in America #

Noah Puckerman / Bernardo: # For a small fee in America #

Sharks Girls: # I like to be in America #
# Okay by me in America #
# Everything free in America #

Noah Puckerman / Bernardo: # For a small fee in America #

Sharks: # La-la, la-la-la, America #
# La-la, la-la-la, America #
# La-la, la-la-la, America #
# La-la, la-la-la, America! #

Blaine Anderson: How are we, as virgins, supposed to follow that?

Rachel Berry: Tony and Maria were soul mates, okay? Against all odds, they found each other. I know what that's like. And you do, too. So we just have to play that, okay? We, as actors, have to tap into that. Okay?

Kurt Hummel: Shouldn't you be celebrating?

Blaine Anderson: I'm going over this move. I messed it up tonight. I know I can do it better.

Kurt Hummel: Beauty of the stage... we get to do it all over again tomorrow night. Personally, I thought both of you guys were perfect.

Blaine Anderson: Thank you. Your Officer Krupke killed. Brought the house down.

Kurt Hummel: Well, I can't help but pull focus, sorry.

Blaine Anderson: Don't apologize. It was great.

Kurt Hummel: All your friends were here tonight. The Warblers... Sebastian... They were all loving it.

Blaine Anderson: Come here. Give me your hand. Hold it to your heart.

Kurt Hummel: Just like the song?

Blaine Anderson: Like the song. Kurt... Sebastian doesn't mean anything to me. And you were right... our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk and... I'm sorry.

Kurt Hummel: Well, sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel. But I'm sorry, too. I wanted to be your gay bar superstar but... try as I might, I'm still just a silly romantic.

Blaine Anderson: It's not silly.

Kurt Hummel: You take my breath away. Not just now; tonight on that stage. I was so proud to be with you.

Blaine Anderson: I hope so. I want you to be. Um... Artie's having an after party at Breadstix. Would you... accompany me?

Kurt Hummel: No. I want to go to your house.

Blaine Anderson: Okay.

Rachel Berry: Hi. I got your flowers. They were beautiful.

Finn Hudson: You were really good.

Rachel Berry: Can I come in?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: Where is everybody?

Finn Hudson: Kurt's out with Blaine, and Burt and Carole left for Toledo right after the show. They got some kind of meet-and-greet in the morning, so... spending the night.

Rachel Berry: Why didn't you stay for the after party? I mean, I know that you're still mad at me abouthe other night.

Finn Hudson: He didn't like me.

Rachel Berry: What? Who?

Finn Hudson: The recruiter. He watched the game and then I waited like an idiot for 20 minutes while he talked to Shane. I didn't even shower or change out of my uniform, because I was afraid I'd miss him.

Finn Hudson: So you guys are going after Shane?

Cooter Menkins: Kid's a monster. Look, kid, just 'cause your football career ends in high school, it doesn't mean your life does.

Rachel Berry: Wait... I don't, I don't understand what any of this means.

Finn Hudson: It means I suck! It means I'm gonna be stuck here forever. Cooter's not gonna recruit me! He said I... I'd reached my ceiling.

Rachel Berry: There are other colleges.

Finn Hudson: Like there are other schools for you besides NYADA? I'm not good enough! I'm not a good enough quarterback to get a scholarship! I'm not a good enough singer to get into NYADA! It's all over for me!

Rachel Berry: Stop it! Finn, look at me. Your dreams are not dead, okay? You've just grown out of them. You have to find new ones now.

Finn Hudson: I don't know how.

Rachel Berry: Then we'll figure it out together. You're special. You know how I know that? Because I'm going to give you something that no one else is ever gonna get.

Finn Hudson: You... You don't need to do this, okay? The play's over. There's no point.

Rachel Berry: No, the point is, is that I was wrong and stupid and immature, and probably not for the last time, lost in my ambition and...

Finn Hudson: And now?

Rachel Berry: Now I'm just a girl, here with a boy that she loves, and wanting to remember this moment for the rest of her life.

Blaine Anderson / Tony: With this ring, I thee wed.

Rachel Berry / Maria: With this ring, I thee wed.

Blaine Anderson / Tony: # Make of our hands #
# One hand #
# Make of our hearts #
# One heart #
# Make of our vows #
# One last vow #
# Only death #
# Will part #
# Us now... #

Rachel Berry / Maria: # Make of our lives #
# One life #
# Day after day #
# One life #

Rachel & Blaine: # Now it begins #
# Now we start #
# One hand #
# One #
# Heart #
# Even death won't part #
# Us now. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee. Quinn and Puck want their baby back, but then Puck kissed Shelby, so now he doesn't know what side he's on.

Quinn Fabray: Do you want our baby back or not?

Ian Brennan: Santana and Brittany have a secret thing going, and they quit the Glee Club with Mercedes to join the Trouble Tones.

Sugar Motta: Awesome! More backup for me.

Ian Brennan: Sue and Burt are mad at each other because they're both running for Congress.

Burt Hummel: I'm too late to get on the ballot, but I can still run as a write-in candidate.

Ian Brennan: And Kurt and Rachel and Brittany are all mad at each other because they're all running for class president.

Brittany S. Pierce: I will see you at the debate.

Ian Brennan: Everyone's mad at each other. It's crazy.

Mercedes Jones: No, you're crazy!

Kurt Hummel: Did you airbrush out your jowls?

Becky Jackson: I can't work with her!

Sue Sylvester: I thought I smelled blue collar.

Shelby Corcoran: Stop!

Will Schuester: Would you turn that thing off?

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Noah Puckerman: It's happened. The Lion King, Puckfasa, has been caged. I've been in love before, but this time feels different. This time feels grown up. Don't judge me. I'm 18; it's legal. Besides, the age difference isn't that crazy. Just look at Ashton and Demi, Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal, Woody Allen and that Chinese girl. I get that teacher/student relationships are tricky, but aren't all relationships? I'm willing to put in the work for this one. When she looks at me, I don't feel like a boy anymore. I feel like the man that I've always wanted to be. A family man. I live for fourth period. Shelby's been subbing for Mr. Clippenger in Geometry ever since he ate that bad cantaloupe. I know I'm supposed to be learning about grammars and stuff, but all I can think about is what color underwear Ms. C is wearing and if she knows how to dance.

Finn Hudson: # Did you do your homework, dude? Oh, wow, man. Wait. W-Wait a second, man. What do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year? #

Noah Puckerman: Whoa!
# T-Teacher, stop that screaming #
# Teacher, don't you see?
# Don't want to be no uptown fool #
# Maybe I should go to hell, but I am doing well #
# Teacher needs to see me after school #

Noah & Finn: # I think of all the education that I missed #
# But then my homework was never quite like this #

Noah Puckerman: # Oh, got it bad, got it bad, got it bad #
# I'm hot for teacher #
# I got it bad, so bad #

Blaine Anderson: # I'm hot for teacher Ah, I think the clock is slow, man. #

Mike Chang: # I don't feel tardy. #

Finn Hudson: # Class dismissed! #

Noah Puckerman: # I heard about your lessons, but lessons are so cold #
# I know about this school #
# Little girl from Cherry Lawn, how can you be so bold? #
# How did you know that golden rule? #
# I think of all the education that I missed #
# But then my homework was never quite like this #
# Whoa, got it bad, got it bad, got it bad #
# I'm hot for teacher #
# I've got it bad, so bad #
# I'm hot for teacher #
# Whoa, oh, yes, I'm hot #
# Oh, whoa, oh, yes, I'm hot #
# Whoa. #

Will Schuester: Whoo! Wow! Puck, guys, spectacular! What a way to start off this week! You guys didn'td an assignment to work on this. You just did it.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, while the performance was excellent... particularly the drumming... don't you think that the subject matter is a little inappropriate?

Will Schuester: Well, that depends on what Puck's intent was when he chose this song.

Noah Puckerman: I guess I just, uh, dig Van Halen.

Will Schuester: All right! Rock on! Yep, good job, guys.

Sue Sylvester: Burt Hummel... he's running for Congress. Last year, he had a heart attack. He might have had a heart transplant. And he might have got it from a baboon. Baboons are dangerous killers who throtheir own feces when they're not tearing off people's faces or admiring their own weird butts. Congress is bad enough. If Burt Hummel thinks what Washington needs is more baboon parts, then he needs a brain transplant. Watch out, baboons. Burt Hummel and his baboon heart. Wrong on the issues, wrong for Ohio. I'm Sue Sylvester. I have a human heart, and I approve this mes...

Will Schuester: The man had angioplasty! She's telling lies! She's playing dirty and she's getting away with it!

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Will, breathe deep, breathe deep, breathe deep. We have to play nice. Because if you win by fighting dirty, it's not really winning. That's what we teach our students. Right?

Kurt Hummel: What you're doing is appalling. Do you know 20% of all voters think my dad actually has a baboon heart.

Sue Sylvester: It's not personal, Porcelain, it's politics. And politics are all about playing dirty. You should know. Your squeaky-clean campaign for class president is getting a good ol' fashioned country shellackin'.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yo, fellow Americans. Okay, listen. A vote for Brittany is a vote for root beer water fountains and robot teachers.

Stoner Brett: Did you say "robot teachers"?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yep.

Man: Radical! I've always wanted one.

Brittany S. Pierce: And also, listen. Rachel Berry is still on MySpace and thus unfit to lead.

Kurt Hummel: That's ridiculous. Brittany's making promises she can't deliver on. It's lying! And no one is even on MySpace, not even Rachel!

Sue Sylvester: It doesn't matter. Brittany's got their attention. And you're playing all nice, campaigning for a salad bar in the cafeteria. It's boring, it's tired, it's not going to get you elected.

Kurt Hummel: Well, obesity is a huge problem at this school.

Sue Sylvester: Especially in the Gleelub. Have a seat, Yasser. You know why I fight dirty? Because I'm fighting for something. I have a cause, several actually. I hate the arts... and a bunch of other stuff. If you want to win, find yourself a cause, my friend. Then start flinging poo. Winning is really about poo flinging.

Kurt Hummel: I refuse to believe that. I agree that perhaps I need a better cause, but I'm going to win this thing without having to fling a single stinky nugget.

Sue Sylvester: Well, good luck with that, son of Burt "Baboon Heart" Hummel. It's not personal.

Will Schuester: Hey, Shelby, what's up?

Shelby Corcoran: We haven't talked since Mercedes and Santana and Brittany left New Directions. I hope you know, I kept my word.

Will Schuester: I know. You didn't recruit anyone. It was, it was me. They left because of me.

Shelby Corcoran: No, no, it's not your fault. They're talented. They just want a chance to take center stage during their senior year. Did you get your letter today?

Will Schuester: About Sectionals? Yeah. Figures we'd be up against you.

Shelby Corcoran: Don't forget the Dulcet Dazzlers.

Will Schuester: So lame. You know, we may get along, but the kids won't. I mean, it's going to get ugly around here. It's the last year for a lot of them and they want to win.

Shelby Corcoran: Well, maybe competition will bring out the best in them.

Will Schuester: Or maybe it'll turn into World War Glee. We usually do mash-ups around this time. It's always my favorite. Everyone's so happy.

Shelby Corcoran: So, you can still do it.

Will Schuester: You know, maybe there's a way to work with all this fighting spirit. Get the kids to channel it into something great.

Shelby Corcoran: Talk to me.

Rachel Berry: What are you doing here?

Mercedes Jones: Shelby told us she had something to show us. What are you doing here?

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue said the same thing.

Santana Lopez: Let me guess, he wants to combine choirs for Sectionals. Well, it's not gonna happen. The Trouble Tones are here to stay. So why don't you shuffle your busted choir off our stage.

Finn Hudson: Look, you guys, we can compete without being enemies. All right? We don't have to get vicious.

Santana Lopez: Oh, I think we do, Soft Serve. fierce, femme, phenomenal. Oh, and, guys, hurry up, go get some moist towels. We have to keep Finn wet before we can roll him back in the sea.

Rachel Berry: Okay, you know what, Santana, Finn is in great shape, and your meanness only highlights your own personal insecurities.

Santana Lopez: And, Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator's.

Shelby Corcoran: # It's been a long time since I came around #
# It's been a long time but I'm backn town #
# This time, I'm not leaving without you #

Brittany S. Pierce: Is this what having a stroke feels like? Because I like it.

Will Schuester: # Just you and I #
# Sharing our love together #
# And I know in time #
# We'll build the dreams we treasure #
# We'll be all right, just you and I #

Shelby Corcoran: # Something, something about this place #

Will Schuester: # Just you and, just you and I #

Shelby & Will: # Something 'bout lonely nights #

Shelby Corcoran: # And my lipstick on your face #

Will Schuester: # Just you and I #

Shelby & Will: # Something, somethg about #

Shelby Corcoran: # My cool Nebraska guy #

Will Schuester: # You and I #

Shelby & Will: # Yeah, something about #
# Baby, you and I #
# Oh, you and I #
# Remember our first embrace #
# The smile that was on your face #
# The promises that we made #
# Ooh #
# And now your love is my reward #
# And I love you even more #
# Than I ever did before #
# Something, something about this place #

Will Schuester: # Just you and, just you and I #

Shelby & Will: # Something 'bout lonely nights #

Shelby Corcoran: # And my lipstick on your face #

Will Schuester: # Just you and I #

Shelby & Will: # Something, something about #

Shelby Corcoran: # My cool Nebraska guy #

Will Schuester: # I love you, you and I #

Shelby & Will: # Put your drinks up #

Shelby Corcoran: # For Nebraska #

Will Schuester: # For Nebraska #

Shelby Corcoran: # For Nebraska, Nebraska #

Shelby & Will: # I love you #
# You and I #
# You, you and I #

Shelby Corcoran: # Nebraska #

Shelby & Will: # I'd rather die #
# Without you and I #
# We made it #
# You and I. #

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, Shelby, I think we can all admit that that was weirdly amazing. But what exactly was the point?

Will Schuester: That sometimes bringing together two conflicting things can create something totally unexpected.

Mercedes Jones: We're not combining Glee Clubs, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: That's not what I'm talking about. Shelby and I agree that with Sectionals coming up for both of us, it's time we all got serious with some friendly competition.

Shelby Corcoran: Each group's going to put together their own mash-up to perform head-to-head.

Will Schuester: For the first annual McKinley High Mash-Off.

Shelby & Will: Mash-Off.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah!

Will Schuester: Come on, now. Get you some! Let's do this! That's pretty good, right?

Noah Puckerman: They were out of apples in the cafeteria.

Shelby Corcoran: Thank you.

Noah Puckerman: I want you.

Shelby Corcoran: I'm your teacher.

Noah Puckerman: You're my sub. You can't deny the chemistry. I'm not some kid. I'm 18. I've already been with a lot of older women.

Shelby Corcoran: Look, Noah, you are very charming and surprisingly set. The kiss was a mistake.

Noah Puckerman: Well, that mistake meant something to me. I felt something I've never felt before. I'm in love with you.

Shelby Corcoran: Oh, God.

Noah Puckerman: Wait. I made a list of the reasons we should be together. No.1: you're hot. No.2: I'm hot. No.3: Beth needs a dad. And why shouldn't it be her actual dad? Look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel something, too. You want a mash-up? We're the ultimate mash-up; two things that maybe shouldn't work together but do.

Shelby Corcoran: I would lose my job.

Noah Puckerman: Only if I told, and I never would.

Shelby Corcoran: You have a crush. It's sweet and it's normal and you're gonna get over it.

Noah Puckerman: I dream about us being together. A real family. Taking stupid pictures for our Hanukkah cards, renting an RV and all of us hitting Coachella. What's up with that crib you ordered? Is it still in pieces all over your living room floor?

Shelby Corcoran: Yes.

Noah Puckerman: See? You need me. I can help you with stuff like that. Let me take care of it this week.

Shelby Corcoran: No, that's not gonna happen.

Noah Puckerman: Why? Because you're afraid you won't be able to resist me? I know that's why you haven't had me back to babysit since we made out. You know this is gonna happen.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys, we have our work cut out for us this week with this mash-off. And The Trouble Tones have a lot of powerful voices, so song selection is key here. Any suggestions?

Artie Abrams: What about The Clash?

Blaine Anderson: Uh, The Police?

Mike Chang: REM!

Will Schuester: No.

Kurt Hummel: Spice Girls.

Noah Puckerman: Jonas Brothers.

Finn Hudson: Guys, no, no, we can't use any of those bands. The only thing they have in common is that they all broke up, and right now the New Directions need to feel united.

Will Schuester: I like what you're saying, Finn. It's not just about the music, but where it comes from.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Who do you think we should use?

Finn Hudson: How about this? People think Hall and Oates are famous for their cool, puffy hair and that dude's banging 'stache.

Will Schuester: Awesome.

Finn Hudson: But also they're awesome for staying together over the long haul.

Rachel Berry: Just like us, despite all their differences.

Finn Hudson: I think we should give the solo to the new guy. Get him prepared for what's in store when the stakes get high. Rory, I think you'll do a good job.

Rory Flanagan: Thanks, Finn, but I don't think I'm ready for that honor just yet.

Blaine Anderson: Come on. You're totally ready, Rory. You'll kill it. We'll all help you. It's a great idea, Finn.

Finn Hudson: Thanks.

Quinn Fabray: I'm losing patience. Why hasn't Child Protective Services done anything to Shelby yet?

Noah Puckerman: I don't know.

Quinn Fabray: Wait. Did you do something to screw this up already? You have to be extra nice to Shelby so that we can babysit more because we've hardly been over there, and we need to spend as much time bonding with our baby as we can so that when I get her, she doesn't freak out when I hold her.

Noah Puckerman: I'm being really nice to her, believe me.

Quinn Fabray: Look, this isn't a game, okay? I know Shelby's threatened by me. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to get closer to her because closer to her is closer to Beth.

Quinn Fabray: I would like to join the Trouble Tones.

Shelby Corcoran: I have to think about that.

Rory Flanagan: Thanks a million, Finn. I just want you to know that no matter what, I have your back. Like when that girl with the lips was saying you look like a whale, I wanted to tell her that I think you look fine.

Finn Hudson: I'm just sick of her talking smack about me, you know? Have you ever heard of the term "trash talk"?

Rory Flanagan: Is that when you discuss trash?

Finn Hudson: No. In sports, it's when one player insults another to try and get them off their game. And Santana's trying to demean us to get inside of our heads so that we remain losers. Well, it's time to start getting inside of hers.

Santana Lopez: Hey there, Orca.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Santana, you look like an ass-less J.Lo.

Rory Flanagan: You're skinny like all the crops failed on your family's farm.

Santana Lopez: That is the lamest thing I didn't understand a word of.

Brittany S. Pierce: Not one word.

Santana Lopez: Is that really all that you can come up with? You seriously think that you can out-insult me? I'm from Lima Heights. I was raised on insults. It's how mi abuela put me to sleep at night, and she is not a nice lady. You know, she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't till I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't "Garbage Face."

Finn Hudson: Then we'll have to settle this another way. Uh, today, after school. Bring your Trouble Tones.

Santana Lopez: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I am. Dodgeball.

Shelby Corcoran: Hey, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Hi. As you might have heard, I'm applying to the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts.

Shelby Corcoran: Ugh! All the girls who beat me out in the auditions when I was in New York, they all graduated from there.

Rachel Berry: Well, my grades are perfect, and I was the lead in the school musical and I plan on winning the election for student class president, so I just need a letter, a killer letter of recommendation.

Shelby Corcoran: Wait. You're asking me to write it?

Rachel Berry: Actually, I've, I've already written it, so all you would have to do is just sign, and my résumés in there as well with the letter, so... I thought that, you know, your pedigree as a National Champion show-choir coach would just make some noise with the admissions committee.

Shelby Corcoran: Makes sense. Okay.

Rachel Berry: Okay. Bye.

Shelby Corcoran: I'm so proud of you. You are truly a star, Rachel. And it's all still out there in front of you. I'm not going to be the first person to be a little jealous of all the amazing things you have lying ahead. I'm just going to be the only one who's also cheering you on.

Rachel Berry: Maybe you could come to my Broadway debut.

Shelby Corcoran: Ooh, don't try to stop me.

Rachel Berry: Maybe you could write your own version of the letter.

Shelby Corcoran: It's such an impressive résumé You have the musical and all the clubs and... maybe even Student Council president. I feel bad for all the kids that don't have these big-ticket items in their CVs. They don't have a chance in hell of getting into NYADA.

Rachel Berry: This could be deadly. I mean, facing our foes head-on without any adult supervision? So, uh, you know that our NYADA applications are due next week. I only need one more letter of recommendation. I wrote to Patti LuPone on her Web site, but I haven't heard from her yet, so... I-I really, I... I really miss you, Kurt. And I just... I just... I really want to be your friend again.

Kurt Hummel: Well, maybe you should've thought of that before you walked all over me in your borderline-sociopathic climb to the top.

Finn Hudson: Let's roadhouse!

Santana Lopez: Oh, it's on, Pillsbury Dough Turd.

Rory Flanagan: Excuse me. I've never heard of this game of dodging balls before. What's the rules?

Noah Puckerman: Don't die.

Brittany S. Pierce: Let's do this.

Finn Hudson: # Hit me with your best shot #
# Why don't you hit me with your best shot? #

Santana Lopez: # I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha #

Finn Hudson: # Hit me with your best shot #
# Fire away #

Santana Lopez: # I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha #
# One way or another, I'm gonna find ya #
# I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha #
# One way or another I'm gonna win ya #
# I'll getcha, I'll getcha #

Finn Hudson: # You're a real tough cookie with a long history #
# Of breaking little hearts like the one in me #
# That's okay, let's see how you do it #
# Put up your dukes, let's get down to it #
# Hit me with your best shot #
# Why don't you hit me with your best shot? #

Santana Lopez: # I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha #

Finn Hudson: # Hit me with your best shot #
# Fire away! #

Santana Lopez: # I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha #
# And if the lights are all out #
# I'll follow your bus downtown #
# See who's hanging out #

Finn Hudson: # Hit me with your best shot #
# Fire away #

Santana Lopez: # I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha #

Finn Hudson: # Hit me with your best shot, fire away #

Santana Lopez: # I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha #

Finn Hudson: # Hit me with your best shot. #

Okay. Good game.

Rory Flanagan: Boy, oh, boy, that was a cracker!

Brittany S. Pierce: What?

Finn Hudson: Whoa!

Kurt Hummel: Stop it! Stop it! For God's sakes, he's bleeding! Maybe that's how the others treat us around here, but we don't do this to each other! We're better than this!

Santana Lopez: God, calm down, Grandma.

Kurt Hummel: The game's over!

Sugar Motta: We still won.

Mercedes Jones: Ladies, vocal warm-ups can wait. Now, I was up half the night thinking about our mash-up for the mash-off, and it came to me... Adele.

Sugar Motta: I sound just like her.

Brittany S. Pierce: Dude, I love her. She sounds like what banana cream pie sounds like when it sings.

Shelby Corcoran: I think it's a great idea, Mercedes. I think that we could really kill with that stuff.

Santana Lopez: Agreed. And now with that decision out of the way, I can stay focused on my one-sided battle of wits with the knuckle-dragger.

Mercedes Jones: Santana, the dodgeball thing was fun, until the end, but enough.

Santana Lopez: No, honey, I'm just getting started.

Mercedes Jones: I'm the leader of this group and I'm telling you lay off those guys.

Santana Lopez: I'm sorry. The leader? Who died and made you queen, Aretha?

Mercedes Jones: I brought you guys in and I came up with the idea for our mash-up while you were wasting time trying to figure out how to make Finn Hudson cry. So I nominate myself as President of the Trouble Tones. All in favor?

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm not impressed by your campaign. You didn't put any posters up.

Shelby Corcoran: Four in favor means Mercedes gets elected. And she's right. We should all be focusg on winning because we're better, not meaner. Mr. Schue and I both agreed on the ground rules. We play fair.

Santana Lopez: I just don't have time for this kind of thinking.

Mercedes Jones: Well, make time. Because you are a star member of this group and you need to represent.

Brittany S. Pierce: # Stop the violence. #

Come on.

Santana Lopez: Okay. God, okay. Look, I'll play fair. From now on, I will be so nice that cotton candy won't melt in my mouth. That's really nice. That's really nice.

Santana Lopez: Hey, Tubs, can I talk to you for a second?

Rory Flanagan: Hey, listen here. You can't make fun of Finn anymore.

Santana Lopez: Shut your potato hole. I'm here to apologize. Rachel's right. I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point, I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one-too-many back-alley liposuctions.

Rory Flanagan: Whoa.

Santana Lopez: Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps the Clown. I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I'm-I'm sorry that the New Directions are going to get cshed by the Trouble Tones. I'm so sorry that you have no talent. I'm sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked and you dance like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life. Although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time, if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Santana. Why don't u just come out of the closet? You know, I think I know why you're so good at tearing everybody else down. It's because you're constantly tearing yourself down, because you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Brittany and she might not love you back. That must hurt, to not be able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward. See you at the mash-off.

Sue Sylvester: Burt Hummel claims he doesn't have a baboon heart. He also claims he isn't married to a donkey. Well, which is it, Burt Hummel? Baboon heart or donkey bride? Donkeys have no place in politics. They bite off children's fingers and pee absolutely anywhere. Do we really need another Washington politician married to a pack animal? Don't let Burt Hummel make an ass out of you, Ohio. I'm Sue Sylvester, and it's not personal.

Burt Hummel: Will, you are my campaign manager. You have got to do something about this! She's killing us!

Will Schuester: You are on the right side of the issues voters care about. You know what it's like to run a small business. When the recession hit, you took a pay cut so you didn't have to fire a single employee.

Burt Hummel: Will, if you don't start fighting fire with fire, we are both going to lose. I'm going to lose the race, you're going to lose your job. Put your thinking cap on.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, who's got your nose? Where'd it go? Huh? There it is! It's magic! Yeah. Sorry, I should probably be helping more. I didn't know the directions were gonna be the foreign kind with weird pictures instead of English.

Shelby Corcoran: It's okay. She likes you. You're good with her.

Noah Puckerman: That's 'cause she's the best little girl in the whole world. Whoa! Oh, where'd it go? Isn't that right, Monkeyface?

Shelby Corcoran: Can I have her for a sec?

Noah Puckerman: Sure. Go see Mama.

Shelby Corcoran: Hi. Hi.

Noah Puckerman: That's a good girl.

Shelby Corcoran: Want to play here and give Mommy a little break?

Noah Puckerman: I got to come clean about something. When Quinn and I babysat for you, she put a bunch of stuff around here to make you look like an unfit mother. And then she called Child Protective Services. But I came and got rid of it all.

Shelby Corcoran: Why would she do that to me?

Noah Puckerman: Because she wants to get Beth back again. I did, too. I thought we'd be, you know, good parents. It was wrong and stupid and totally selfish. I'm really, really sorry. I... I always thought of Beth as an accident. But she's no accident. Quinn and I gave her life... but somehow God or nature or whatever meant for you and her to be together. You were always meant to be her mother. And I'd like to be part of her life, too.

Shelby Corcoran: Hi.

Will Schuester: Welcome, everyone, to day one of the first annual McKinley High Mash-Off! Okay, a couple of ground rules. Everyone, therwill be no heckling of any kind, okay?

Mercedes Jones: Ms. Corcoran, the Trouble Tones are all fired up.

Shelby Corcoran: Fine, fine.

Mercedes Jones: Don't worry, I can do it. I'm gonna hit that F below middle C, just like Adele.

Will Schuester: All right, here we go. Finn will represent the New Directions; Santana, the Trouble Tones for the rock-paper-scissor face-off to see who will perform first, all right? Let's get it going!

Finn Hudson: Let's do this.

All: One, two, three!

Rachel Berry: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Will Schuester: Okay, paper covers rock. New Directions, take the stage!

Rachel Berry: A kiss for the winner.

Finn Hudson: # What I want, you've got #
# It might be hard to handle #
# Like the flame that burns the candle #
# The candle feeds the flame #
# Eh, eh #
# What I've got's full stock #
# Of thoughts and dreams that scatter #
# You pull them all together #
# And how I can't explain #
# Oh, yeah, well, well, you #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that #

New Directions: # Ooh, ooh #

Finn Hudson: # You make my dreams come true #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that, I can't go for that #

Finn Hudson: # Well, well, well, you #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that #

Finn Hudson: # Oh, yeah, you make my dreams come true #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that, I can't go for that #

Rory & Tina: # On a night when bad dreams become a screamer #
# When they're messing with the dreamer #

Finn & Tina: # I can laugh it in the face #

Rory Flanagan: # Twist and shout my way out #

Rory & Tina: # And wrap yourself around me #
# 'Cause I ain't the way you found me #

Finn & Tina: # And I'll never be the same #
# Oh, yeah, well, 'cause you #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that #

New Directions: # Ooh, ooh #

Finn Hudson: # Oh, yeah, you make my dreams come true #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that, I can't go for that #

Finn Hudson: # Oh... #

Finn & Quinn: # I'm down on my daydream #
# But that sleepwalk should be over by now #
# I know #

Finn Hudson: # Yeah, you #

Quinn Fabray: # I'll #

Boys of ND: # I'll do anything that you want me to #

Quinn Fabray: # That you want me to #

Boys of ND: # I-I-I'll #

Quinn Fabray: # Do almost anything #

Finn Hudson: # You make my dreams come true #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that #

New Directions: # Oh, you make my dreams come true #

Quinn Fabray: # I can't go for that #

Finn Hudson: # You make my dreams come true. #

Will Schuester: Burt. Hey, I was worried you weren't going to make it.

Burt Hummel: Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Becky Jackson: Polls have you in first place. Almost everyone loves the new ad.

Sue Sylvester: Almost everyone? Well, that ad was bulletproof. I accused Burt Hummel of using his tire shop to sexually assault automobiles. What's not to like about that?

Quinn Fabray: Hey, Ms. C.

Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Welcome one and all to McKinley High's senior class presidential debate. Such a magnificent turnout reflects this school's passion for democracy. It is against school policy to pass gas into jars to be sold in the cafeteria. And now, our first candidate, Rick "The Stick" Nelson.

The Hockey Team: Stick! Stick! Stick! Stick!

Rick Nelson: So, I was talking to my dad, who says that since he pays taxes and stuff, like, for teachers, which pretty much means that we're your boss. So I think it's time that the teachers started doing what we say. And how about you stop talking in class, Mrs. Janicek? Everything you have to say is boring! Vote Rick the Stick!

Brittany S. Pierce: Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, uh, I pledge to go topless. Whoo!

Kurt Hummel: Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel. Um, the past few weeks, I've tried to address the real problem of obesity at this school. But my opponents chose empty promises and smear tactics. Although she knows it to be untrue, my opponent Brittany stated that my face was used as a template for Hasbro's successful line of My Little Ponies. Well, I refuse to be bullied. In fact, I refuse to let anyone be bullied. Today, I want to take it one step further. I would like to hereby pledge to ban dodgeball at McKinley High. Since its invention in 1831 by Silas W. Mangold, dodgeball has been used as a schoolyard instrument of suppression. It's violent, it's painful, it's humiliating, and I believe that it's an equivalent to modern-day stoning. Let's end dodgeball at Minley High and send a strong message that violence isn't okay.

Rachel Berry: Hello, I'm Rachel Berry, and I have campaigned for president on a crusade for school book covers, a plan to save the school thousands of dollars.

Will Schuester: Knock it off!

Rachel Berry: While I still consider this plan an inspired stroke of political genius, I hereby withdraw my candidacy and urge you all to vote for Kurt Hummel. He's the only candidate here today who never went negative. He-He's the one who deserves to be president. That's why I-I'm casting my vote for Kurt Hummel. Vote Hummel, McKinley. Vote for Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: Why'd you do it?

Rachel Berry: I should have withdrawn from the race when I got the lead in the musical. You needed the résumé boost to get into NYADA. You're already so spectacular. But being senior class president will just put you over the top.

Kurt Hummel: Only Rachel Berrcould perk up an old boring high school debate with such a riveting twist.

Rachel Berry: Drama queen. I know. But I just... I-I hated you hating me.

Kurt Hummel: Me, too. Scowling gives you forehead lines, and I'm way too young for Botox.

Rachel Berry: I guess I was just, you know, focusing on my dream of going to New York and getting into NYADA, but... then realized that part of that dream is going there with you. So, now I am all about helping you win. Consider me your campaign slave. I'm gonna hug you now, okay? Okay.

Kurt Hummel: Okay! Thank you!

Rachel Berry: So, about the whole pastie thing...

Kurt Hummel: Let's just quit while we're ahead, doll.

Quinn Fabray: Hey. I was... I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop this off for Beth.

Shelby Corcoran: I just got her down so...

Quinn Fabray: I left a bunch of voicemails trying to find a good time to come by. And you never gave me a straight answer about when I can join the Trouble Tones.

Shelby Corcoran: I don't think it's a very good idea.

Quinn Fabray: Well, Mr. Schuester won't miss me.

Shelby Corcoran: I reached out to you. I came back here so that you and my daughter could have a relationship. Oh, please, I know all about the hot sauce and the book and everything else you planted here. You think they were just gonna come here and find those things and hand my baby over to you?

Quinn Fabray: She's my baby.

Shelby Corcoran: You have no idea what it means to be a mother. It's not about whose body she comes out of; it's about accepting the fact that you don'tatter anymore... that your feelings, and that your life and that your body they all come second to making sure that that child is happy and safe.

Quinn Fabray: Is that why you gave yours up for money? At least I did what I thought was best for my baby. You were just a cash whore!

Shelby Corcoran: I don't feel comfortable with you being around Beth anymore.

Quinn Fabray: Is Puck going to get to see her? Was he the one who told you?

Shelby Corcoran: We're done here. I hope you this as a wake-up call. Just because you take out your nose ring and dye your hair blonde again doesn't make you any less lost.

Brittany S. Pierce: I think you need to stop making fun of Finn. You're being really harsh.

Santana Lopez: Manatees have really thick skin.

Becky Jackson: Santana, Coach Sue needs you in her office right away.

Santana Lopez: What's going on?

Sue Sylvester: Have a seat, Santana. I'm afraid we have some bad news, and I think I might be to blame.

Burt Hummel: Oh, you think?

Sue Sylvester: Watch your blood pressure, Bubbles. In my campaign to become Ohio's newest congresswoman, I've said some things that are not true, and I don't feel good about it. I set the tone for this campaign, and now I'm afraid my slanderous chickens have come home to roost.

Will Schuester: Santana, you should know that I have the phone number of a counselor who specializes in this.

Burt Hummel: It's something that, uh, I've been through first-hand, and I'd be willing to talk your family through it.

Santana Lopez: What are you... What are you talking about?

Burt Hummel: Reggie "the Sauce" Salazar sent me an advance copy of his latest campaign ad.

Sue Sylvester: It turns out he has a niece who goes to this school, and she overheard a conversati a couple of days ago between you and Finn Hudson.

TV: Sue Sylvester wants to represent Ohio. She says she shares your values. If that's true, boy do we have some questions... If you're so into family values, why did you promote a lesbian student to be your head cheerleader? And when did you plan on telling Ohio families? Why don't you have a husband, Sue? Is there something you're not telling us? Sue Sylvester. So many questions.

Santana Lopez: I can't believe this is happening.

Sue Sylvester: I'm so sorry.

Santana Lopez: I haven't even told my parents yet.

The Troubletones: # Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # She, she ain't real #
# She ain't gonna be able to love you like I will #
# Sure, she's got it all #
# But baby, is that really what you want? #
# Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds #
# You made a fool out of you # And, boy, she's bringing you down #
# She made your heart melt, but you're cold to the core #
# Now rumor has it she ain't got your love anymore #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it, ooh #
# Rumor has it, ooh #
# Rumor has it, ooh #
# Rumor has it, ooh #

Santana Lopez: # Don't forget me #
# I beg #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it, ooh #

Santana Lopez: # I remember, you said #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it #

Santana Lopez: # I heard #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Ooh... #

Santana Lopez: # That you settled down #
# That you found a girl #
# And you're married now #
# I heard #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Ooh... #

Santana Lopez: # That your dreams came true #
# Guess she gave you things #
# I didn't give to you #

Mercedes Jones: # Whoa! #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it, ooh #
# Rumor has it, ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # Yeah, baby #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it, ooh #

Santana Lopez: # Don't forget me #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it, ooh #

Santana Lopez: # I beg #
# I remember, you said #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it, ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # Never mind, I'll find someone like you #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it, ooh #

Mercedes Jones: # I wish nothing but the best #
# For you, too #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Rumor has it #

Santana Lopez: # Don't forget me #
# I beg #
# I remember, you said #

Mercedes Jones: # Sometimes it lasts in love #
# But sometimes it hurts instead #

Santana Lopez: # Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes #
# It hurts instead... #

What did you just say to her?

Finn Hudson: I said I thought you were great.

Santana Lopez: You're lying.

Rachel Berry: No, he literally just said that.

Santana Lopez: Did you tell her, too?

Will Schuester: Santana...

Santana Lopez: Everyone's gonna know now, because of you!

Finn Hudson: The whole school already knows, and you know what? They don't care!

Santana Lopez: Not just the school, you idiot... everyone.

Finn Hudson: What are you talking a...?

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Coach Beiste is head over heels for a guy named Cooter who's a football recruiter. Rachel's running for class president against Kurt and Brittany and a guy from the hockey team.

Rick Nelson: Vote Rick "The Stick"!

Ian Brennan: Burt's running for Congress against Sue and Reggie "The Sauce," this guy who owns a pizza chain and who's gonna air a commercial that'll out Santana.

Santana Lopez: Everyone's gonna know now, because of you!

Ian Brennan: She thought the whole thing was Finn's fault, so she slapped him really hard in front of God and everybody. Ouch. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Principal Figgins: I'm sorry, but since a student had lit firecrackers stuffed down his pants three years ago, we've had a zero tolerance physical violence policy.

Santana Lopez: Is that why you suspended all the kids who have been tossing slushees in our faces for the past two years?

Principal Figgins: Slushees are not on the school board's approved list of suspend-worthy weapons.

Santana Lopez: Here's what you have to understand: I didn't do it.

Will Schuester: We all saw what happened. You slapped Finn in the face, unprovoked.

Santana Lopez: No. See, you don't get it. When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality. I call her "Snixxx." Her wrath of words is called "Snixxx juice." I'm kind of like the Incredible Hulk. You can't blame me for anything Snixxx does.

Principal Figgins: I'm suspending you and this Snixxx two weeks. No argument.

Santana Lopez: Sectionals is next week. If you suspend me, I won't be able to beat Grimace and Mr. Schue's butts. Ms. Corcoran, I highly recommend you do something about this.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, Santana, Sectionals is important, but you need to be punished for what you did.

Shelby Corcoran: I hate to say it, but I agree.

Santana Lopez: This is garbage. Hamburglar Finn is fine.

Finn Hudson: She didn't slap me. I know that it looked and sounded like she did, but she actually didn't. What is it called in a play or a movie when you pretend to hit someone but you don't?

Shelby Corcoran: A stage slap?

Finn Hudson: It was a stage slap. That's what it was.

Will Schuester: What is your angle here, Finn?

Finn Hudson: The truth. If she didn't actually hit me, then you can't suspend her, right?

Principal Figgins: No.

Finn Hudson: Then that's what happened.

Santana Lopez: I'm a mischievous bitch, but I can't for the life of me figure out what the hell this is about.

Finn Hudson: Well, I want Sectionals to be a fair fight. And that can't happen without you on the Trouble Tones.

Santana Lopez: Well, actually, it would only be a fair fight with me off the team.

Finn Hudson: And I also kind of feel bad for you. Look, I know we've been at each other a lot over these past couple of years, but the truth is I think you're awesome. And when you hide who you are, I feel like you hide part of that awesomeness with it. And that's why you act out because you hurt inside... every day.

Santana Lopez: That's sweet... but if you think that, in exchange for keeping me from getting suspended, I'm gonna come...

Finn Hudson: ...back to the Glee Club? Exactly. You and all the Trouble Tones. I have an idea for a lesson but it won't work out if you're not there.

Santana Lopez: Did Ms. Corcoran and Mr. Schue already agree to this?

Finn Hudson: Look, it's up to you. Either you can come back to the choir room and embrace your awesome or take a two-week vacation and enjoy your seat in the audience for Sectionals.

Rachel Berry: I haven't been this worried about a vote since Lambert versus Allen. Kurt needs this election to get into NYADA. More importantly, he's clearly the superior candidate. I mean, come on.

Brittany S. Pierce: If elected, I will make sure to have sugary treats available at all times. It helps the concentration. That's what George Washington said.

Rachel Berry: I had to take a stand.

Rachel Berry: She's bribing the students with Pixy Stix. Buying votes is illegal.

Principal Figgins: It's also delicious.

Rachel Berry: Nobody cares. They're all so lost in their own worlds that they can't see how important this is to me. Elections have consequences, and the consequence of Brittany winning this election is that I'll have to move to New York without my best gay. What if I need an emergency makeover or a last-minute soufflé?

Jacob Ben Israel: How's the concession speech going? Can I print an early copy on my blog?

Kurt Hummel: Who says I'm ready to concede? I'm leading that hockey playing kid by ten percent.

Jacob Ben Israel: But that's mostly because he's in a medically induced coma after being brutally checked in a game last week. Also, you're trailing Brittany by 17 points. If this was a horse race, you'd be glue.

Rachel Berry: And the glue that keeps this school together when he gets elected president.

Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, my God, it's Brittany. Madam President?

Rachel Berry: Don't worry about it, okay? We still have the rest of the day to change the minds of the voters.

Kurt Hummel: What's the point? I'm gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.

Rachel Berry: You're gonna shoot Brittany?

Kurt Hummel: No, no... when Kennedy ran against Nixon in 1960, he had all his Mob buddies in Chicago stuff the ballot boxes so that he would win Illinois. It won him the presidency.

Rachel Berry: Wait... No! No, I can't let you do this, okay? Come on. Can't we just do, like, a great duet in the cafeteria or the library to just drum up some support?

Kurt Hummel: I have Kennedy's impeccable hairline.

Rachel Berry: I know.

Kurt Hummel: Why can't I have his ends- justify-the-means mentality? If I lose, and my résumé remains blank, I'm not gonna get into NYADA. And I can't accept that.

Rachel Berry: You're seriously considering cheating?

Kurt Hummel: What choice do I have?

Mercedes Jones: Can someone tell us what's going on, please?

Finn Hudson: This week, the Trouble Tones and New Directions will both be singing music created by ladies and for ladies.

Santana Lopez: Oh, hell no.

Finn Hudson: Next week, all of us will be going to Sectionals, and one of us is probably gonna win. But, Santana, we're worried about you.

Santana Lopez: Worry about yourself, fetus face.

Finn Hudson: Glee's about learning how to accept yourself for who you are, no matter what other people think. And that's what this music is all about.

Santana Lopez: So, wait, I don't even get a say in this? Not cool.

Finn Hudson: Everybody in this room knows about you and Brittany. And we don't judge you for it. We celebrate it because it's who you are. Look, I know not everybody outside of this room is as accepting and cool, but we're doing this assignment this week so that you know in this rotten, stinking mean world that you at least have a group of people who will support your choice to be whoever you want to be. That's it. That's what we're doing here. Blaine? Kurt?

Blaine Anderson: Santana, Kurt and I have a song we like to sing to each other in the car. And we want to sing that for you right now.

Santana Lopez: While there's nothing I'd love more than having two Pretty Ponies serenade me, I think we'd get further staging a "gel-ervention" for Blaine than singing lady music.

Kurt Hummel: I know it's hard. It was hard for me, too. But you can get through this.

Blaine Anderson: If you could just stop being so defensive.

Santana Lopez: I'm trying, but your hideous bow ties are provoking me.

Noah Puckerman: Wait, are we talking lady on lady or girl on girl? 'Cause there's a big difference.

Will Schuester: Puck, focus, okay? Kurt, Blaine, why don't you kick us off with what you got?

Kurt Hummel: # Made a wrong turn once or twice #
# Dug my way out, blood and fire #
# Bad decisions, that's all right #
# Welcome to my silly life #
# Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood #
# Miss No-way-it's-all-good #
# It didn't slow me down #
# Mistaken, always second-guessing #
# Underestimated, look, I'm still around #

Kurt & Blaine: # Pretty, pretty please #
# Don't you ever, ever feel #
# Like you're less than, less than perfect #
# Pretty, pretty please #
# If you ever, ever feel like you're nothing #
# You are perfect to me #

Blaine Anderson: # The whole world stared, so I swallowed the fear #
# The only thing I should be drinking is an ice-cold beer #
# So cool in lying, and we try, try, try #
# But we try too hard, and it's a waste of my time. #
# Done looking for the critics 'cause they're everywhere #
# They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair #
# Strange ourselves, and we do it all the time #

Kurt & Blaine: # Why do we do that? #

Blaine Anderson: # Yeah! #
# Oh, oh-oh-oh #

Kurt Hummel: # Oh, pretty, pretty please #

Kurt & Blaine: # Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel #
# Like you're nothing #
# You are perfect to me. #

Finn Hudson: That's good! How about that?

Santana Lopez: Thank you, guys. Thank you, Finn, especially. You know, with all the horrible crap I've been through in my life... now I get to add that.

Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, My campaign is in crisis. Polls have me neck-and-neck with Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar, and his ad is set to run any day now. Why would someone assume I'm a friend of Ellen just because I'm mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl's sport and I married myself? It just doesn't make sense. The truth is, Journal, I'm attracted to men. Sure, I can't stand watching them eat or talking to them, but when it comes to getting sexy, this gal's got a hole in her heart only a fella can fill. Salazar's ad will put my campaign on life-support, and if I want to win this race, I need 20 cc's of man-candy, stat! So which one of my hookups is ready for a prime-time photo op? Dan Quayle? Too needy. Stephen Baldwin? Train wreck. Oliver North. Biter. Matt Lauer? Too much crying. Johnny Cochran? Pretty sure he's dead. Eureka. That's the kind of guy I need. Better luck next time, David Boreanaz. Sue Sylvester's found her man.

Emma Pillsbury: What is that animal you appear to be so noisily enjoying?

Shannon Beiste: A chicken stuffed in a duck, jammed in a turkey... a turducken. It's like a barnyard in a bite.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow.

Shannon Beiste: I've been exhausted lately, and I'm trying to eat as much protein as I can to keep up my strength.

Will Schuester: Why are you so tired?

Shannon Beiste: I've been working hard as the student election advisor, and my nights have been much more, well, busier lately.

Will Schuester: Well, if you need help with anything, just let us know.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.

Shannon Beiste: I could use some help counting the election ballots.

Will Schuester: Um-hum.

Shannon Beiste: My quadriceps have been trembling like jelly all day. Cooter really pushed me to my limit last night.

Emma Pillsbury: So I take it things are going well between you and Mr. Mankins?

Shannon Beiste: Last night, Cooter asked me to do something I never imagined I'd be doing.

Cooter Menkins: You think you can handle this, Shannon?

Shannon Beiste: Give it to me, Cooter.

Shannon Beiste: Our connection is so amazing and we have so much in common. I really feel like I met my match.

Will Schuester: We are so happy for you, Coach.

Shannon Beiste: Cooter Mankins... he's the only one for me.

Noah Puckerman: # Please, baby, can't you see my mind's a burning hell? #
# I got razors a-rippin' and tearing and strippin' #
# My heart apart as well #
# Tonight you told me that you ache for something new #
# And some other woman is looking like something #
# That might be good for you #
# Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone #
# Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong #
# Ho-ho, but I'm the only one #
# Who'll walk across the fire for you #
# And I'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you #
# It's only fear that makes you run #
# The demons that you're hiding from #
# When all your promises are gone #
# I'm the only one #
# Please, baby, can't you see? #
# I'm trying to explain #
# I've been here before and I'm locking the door #
# And I'm not going back again #
# Her eyes and arms and skin won't make it go away #
# You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow #
# That holds you down today #
# Go on and hold her till the screamin' is gone #
# Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong #
# Well, I'm the only one who walked across the fire for you #
# And I'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you #
# It's only fear that makes you run #
# The demons that you're hiding from #
# When all your promises are gone #
# I'm the only one #
# Whoa, whoa #
# Yeah. #

Noah Puckerman: That was for you... Santana. Yeah, I know I was just part of a phase, but whatever, happy to oblige, always.

Quinn Fabray: You kicked ass on that song.

Noah Puckerman: Thank you.

Quinn Fabray: Do think you need to get your eyes checked, though.

Noah Puckerman: Say what?

Quinn Fabray: You sang almost the whole song to Shelby. You hardly even noticed me.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, that was so that she would think of me... think of us... as the only ones that could take care of Beth and stuff. The song was mainly about baby-sitting for me.

Quinn Fabray: Look, my mom is going on a Christian wine-tasting boat down the Ohio River on Friday.

Noah Puckerman: The Jesus Booze Cruise.

Quinn Fabray: So I'm going to have the house to myself. Want to come over, order in, rent a movie and not watch it? Remember in the hospital after Beth was born? You told me you loved me. We can get that back.

Noah Puckerman: Sorry. Not interested.

Quinn Fabray: Let me be more clear. If you come over on Friday, you get to have sex with me.

Noah Puckerman: Look, I was into you pretty hard a couple years ago 'cause you were hot like a pixie and I thought you were pretty much cooler than every other girl in the school, but turns out, you're kind of nuts. You're higher maintenance than Berry and pretty much the most selfish person I've ever met in my life. So thanks for the offer, but I'd rather raw dog a beehive.

Finn Hudson: So, what do you think of the new assignment? It's pretty sweet, right?

Santana Lopez: Do you realize you're basically forcing me out of the flannel closet?

Finn Hudson: Salazar's ad's going to run. That's what's forcing you to deal with this.

Santana Lopez: Why are you getting so worked up about this?

Finn Hudson: 'Cause I don't want you to die. A few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those "It Gets Better" videos killed himself. All right? You deal with your anxiety surrounding this stuff by attacking other people, and someday, that's not going to be enough and you might start attacking yourself.

Santana Lopez: Well, thanks, but that's never going to happen. I'd miss me too much.

Finn Hudson: Look, you were my first. That means something to me. You mean something to me. If something ever were to happen to you, and I didn't do everything that I could to try and stop it, I'd never be able to live with myself.

Finn Hudson: # I came home in the middle of the night #
# My father says what you gonna do with your life? #
# Well, Daddy dear, you're still number one #
# Oh, girls, they wanna have fun #
# Oh, girls, they... #
# The phone rings in the middle of the night #
# My mother says when you gonna live your life right? #
# Well, Mother dear, we're not the founate ones #
# Oh, girls, they wanna have fun #
# Oh, girls, they... #
# It's all they really want... #
# Those girls, they want to have fun #
# Some boys take a beautiful girl #
# Oh, and they hide her away #
# From the rest of the world #
# But not me #
# I wanna be the one in the sun #
# Girls, they wanna have fun #
# Oh, girls, they... #
# That's all they really want #
# Those girls, they wanna have fun. #

Santana Lopez: Thank you.

Finn Hudson: We love you, Santana.

Roberta: One four-cheese, ass-kickin', triple-dippin' chicken taquitos. Double the chicken. One Big Daddy Chicken Patty with extra chicken. And instead of a side... you just want...

Roberta & Shannon: More chicken.

Shannon Beiste: Yeah.

Sue Sylvester: Smile for the camera. Get those to the Lima Times ASAP.

Becky Jackson: Sure thing, Coach.

Shannon Beiste: Hey, Cooter. What are you doing here?

Cooter Menkins: Oh, hey, Coach. Just, uh... just grabbing some dinner with Sue here.

Sue Sylvester: Excuse me, Bluto, but I'm on a date with my man, enjoying some disgusting creamy pasta, and phoners with several major media outlets. So why don't you just hurry on to your next face-widening session at the John Travolta Institute for Head Thickening and Facial Weight Gain.

Shannon Beiste: You're on a date?

Cooter Menkins: Y... Yeah, I guess.

Sue Sylvester: Listen, Home Perm, Cooter's been my regular booty call since the late 1990s... Oop! My iPhone 5 is vibrating. That's a new feature of the iPhone 5... they vibrate now. And I have to take this... it's a reporter from USA Today, the newspaper for people who can't read.

Shannon Beiste: It's nice to see you, Cooter.

Cooter Menkins: Hey, Shannon, Shannon... You okay?

Shannon Beiste: No. No, I'm not. I thought you and I were doing stuff, and stuff.

Cooter Menkins: Shannon, I didn't think you were interested. Every time I gather up the courage to ask you out on a date, we end up lifting weights at the gym or at a protein seminar. So, last time, I said to myself, "Dang it, Coot," you just gotta make a move." And so I tried to hold your hand, and you punched me.

Shannon Beiste: It was a reflex. I thought you were trying to steal my class ring.

Cooter Menkins: I like you, Shannon, and I like hanging out with you, but the truth is, I can't tell what's going on with us. I'm not looking for a buddy. I'm a grown man. I mean, I need more than that.

Jacob Ben Israel: I don't have to ask who you lovely ladies are voting for.

Santana Lopez: I'm Team Britt all the way.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm voting for the hockey player.

Jacob Ben Israel: Rick "The Stick" Nelson. Well, I wouldn't worry too much about a spare vote here or there, Brittany. My exit polling is putting you well ahead of Lady Hummel. This election is "ovah"!

Santana Lopez: That's right!

Jacob Ben Israel: Come on. One last interview before you lose.

Finn Hudson: Hey, hey, hey, give it a break.

Jacob Ben Israel: Hey, just one more! Just a word!

Kurt Hummel: God, I feel like a lamb waiting in line to be slaughtered.

Finn Hudson: Chin up, Kurt. It's not over till all the votes are counted.

Rachel Berry: Yep, and you're going to get loads. Look, look, Quinn is going into the voting booth right now. She's definitely going to vote for you.

Quinn Fabray: I like what Kurt stands for, and Brittany is insane, but just like my dad always voted for the candidate that was least ethnic, I'm voting for the one who's most girl.

Mercedes Jones: Brittany is my Trouble Tones home girl, but thank God for secret ballots because if Santana's girlfriend wins this election I'm never going to hear the end of it.

Kurt Hummel: If I lose, I don't have a chance of getting into NYADA. It's not fair... the difference between my dreams coming true and managing a Sonic Burger depends on how many people check a stupid box.

Will Schuester: Hey, how's it going?

Shannon Beiste: I can't believe I agreed to let District hold polling places in our gym today. It's like she's rubbing it in my face.

Will Schuester: Don't take it personally. It's all just a big campaign strategy for her.

Becky Jackson: Coach Sue wants you to have this. She says she hopes it rubs it in your face.

Emma Pillsbury: I don't understand what happened.

Shannon Beiste: He said I was uncommunicative. Aw, man, I'm so bummed out, I feel like I'm living one of the tragic country music songs.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, then you need to go tell him how you feel.

Will Schuester: We're going to go vote, and you just got to go for it, okay? When this is all over and done with, Sue's going to lose the election and the guy.

Shannon Beiste: Thanks.

# Jolene, Jolene #
# Jolene, Jolene... #
# I'm begging of you, please #
# Don't take my man #
# Jolene, Jolene #
# Jolene, Jolene... #
# Please don't take him just because you can #
# Your beauty is beyond compare #
# With flaming locks of golden hair #
# With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green #
# Your smile is like a breath of spring #
# Your voice is soft like summer rain #
# And I cannot compete with you, Jolene #
# He talks about you in his sleep #
# And there's nothing I can do to keep #
# From crying, when he calls your name, Jolene #
# And I could easily understand #
# How you could easily take my man #
# But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene #
# Jolene #
# Jolene, Jolene, Jolene #
# Please don't take him even though you can #
# Jolene #
# Jolene #
# Jolene. #

Rachel Berry: Are you... are you okay, Coach?

Shannon Beiste: Yeah. Fine. Are you?

Rachel Berry: Yep. I'm, I'm great. Thank you.

Josh Coleman: Saw the commercial. Whew. Smokin'.

Santana Lopez: Who the hell are you?

Josh Coleman: Josh Coleman. Sophomore rugby captain. Girls like you are a challenge. You just need the right guy to straighten you out, and I'm just the man to do it.

Mercedes Jones: Move your busted creeper ass.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Now.

Josh Coleman: Easy, girls. I'm just trying to make her normal.

Brittany S. Pierce: She is normal.

Quinn Fabray: It's not a choice, idiot. But even if it were, you'd be our last choice.

Josh Coleman: Oh, I get it. You're all a bunch of lesbos.

Rachel Berry: So what if we are? You don't stand a chance either way. Bye-bye. Walk away.

Santana Lopez: # This was never the way I planned #

Rachel Berry: # Not my intention #

Santana Lopez: # I got so brave, drink in hand #

Rachel Berry: # Lost my discretion #

Santana Lopez: # It's not what #

Rachel Berry: # I'm used to #

Santana Lopez: # Just wanna try you on #

Rachel Berry: # I'm curious for you #

Santana & Rachel: # Caught my attention #
# I kissed a girl and I liked it #

Santana Lopez: # The taste of her cherry Chapstick #

Santana & Rachel: # I kissed a girl just to try it #

Rachel Berry: # I hope my boyfriend don't mind it #

Santana & Rachel: # It felt so wrong #
# It felt so right #
# Don't mean I'm in love tonight #
# I kissed a girl and I liked it #
# I liked it #
# Us girls, we are so magical #
# Soft skin, red lips #
# So kissable #
# Hard to resist, so touchable #
# Too good to deny it #
# Ain't no big deal; #

Santana Lopez: # It's innocent... #

Santana & Rachel: # I kissed a girl and I liked it #
# The taste of her cherry Chapstick #
# I kissed a girl just to try it #
# I hope my boyfriend don't mind it #
# It felt so wrong #
# It felt so right #
# Don't mean I'm in love tonight #
# I kissed a girl and I liked it #
# I liked it. #

Quinn Fabray: Come here.

Santana Lopez: Okay, okay. Update, y'all. Um, I told my parents last night, and they were actually okay with it.

Brittany S. Pierce: No way!

Santana Lopez: I just have to tell my Abuela before she sees that stupid commercial. But luckily she only watches Univision.

Principal Figgins: Excuse me, New Directions and Trouble Tones singing groups. Mr. Kurt Hummel, I need to see you in my office immediately.

Principal Figgins: First of all, Mr. Hummel, congratulations on your early exit poll numbers. Things are looking very good indeed for you.

Burt Hummel: Thank you, Figgins. Now can you tell me why I'm here today?

Principal Figgins: There seems to have been some irregularities with the student council ballot boxes.

Kurt Hummel: What do you mean by irregularities?

Shannon Beiste: Kurt won... but by 190 votes.

Burt Hummel: Well, that's great! Right?

Shannon Beiste: Well, the problem is there's more ballots than there are seniors, and Kurt won by a suspiciously wide margin.

Kurt Hummel: No, no, I-I didn't do it. I didn't cheat, I mean, I mean I thought about it, but I-I-I...

Burt Hummel: What do you mean you thought about it?

Kurt Hummel: I... I thought about it because I-I-I wanted to win so badly, and I was worried that I wouldn't. But, but, I didn't cheat. I-I worked really hard on this. I didn't cheat!

Kurt Hummel: Someone stuffed the ballot boxes. They think I did it. If they can prove it, I could be suspended.

Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, Kurt...

Kurt Hummel: And I lost. I lost the election. I lost the lead in West Side Story. I can forget about New York and NYADA, 'cause they'll never take me now. You know, the worst part is that I really, for a second, thought I won.

Rachel Berry: Kurt, I'm-I'm so sorry...

Kurt Hummel: I have to find Blaine.

Finn Hudson: Rachel, I want you to know, I didn't do this.

Rachel Berry: I did it.

Finn Hudson: What? What were you thinking?

Rachel Berry: I-I-I... I wasn't thinking. I-I just... I wanted to help him so bad.

Finn Hudson: You have to go tell Figgins.

Rachel Berry: I can't, I'll get suspended.

Finn Hudson: Rachel, Kurt'll get suspended.

Mrs. Hagberg: Who can tell me the quadratic equation? Noah, I told you, you don't have to ask permission to go to the bathroom.

Noah Puckerman: It's x equals negative B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus 4AC. All over 2A.

Mrs. Hagberg: That's right. Who told you?

Noah Puckerman: Um, I did. I've been doing the books for my pool-cleaning business. I've got mad math skills, yo! I'm like that Beautiful Mind guy, without all the crazy. You're go for Puckerman.

Mrs. Hagberg: Class isn't over!

Noah Puckerman: Sorry. Family emergency.

Noah Puckerman: What happened? Where is she?

Shelby Corcoran: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you, I just... I don't have anybody else.

Noah Puckerman: Is she okay?

Shelby Corcoran: She's with the doctor. She slipped and hit her lip on the floor, and there was blood everywhere. I turned my back for three seconds. I'm freaking out now. They won't even let me in the room with her.

Noah Puckerman: It's cool. I'm here now.

Doctor: Hi. Uh, her bottom tooth went through her lip. Couple stitches, she'll be fine.

Shelby Corcoran: Really?

Noah Puckerman: Wait. I want her to see a plastic surgeon first.

Doctor: Well, I've gen plenty of stitches.

Noah Puckerman: I live a somewhat active lifestyle... judo, paintball... which means I've had more stitches than Frankenstein, so if anyone's gonna touch Beth's face, it's gonna be a plastic surgeon.

Doctor: I'll page her.

Noah Puckerman: It's okay. I'm here now. Everything's gonna be okay.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah. I did a good job. You're very pretty. You know, the advantage of a relationship with a younger dude is that I still got four me rounds in me before I need a steak sandwich and a Coke Zero.

Shelby Corcoran: You need to go. Before Beth wakes up. This was a mistake. I was a mess at the hospital.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I was like freakin' Wolverine. Beth would have a big scar on her lip for the rest of her life if it weren't for me.

Shelby Corcoran: Okay. This is just wrong. Go. Please. Go.

Noah Puckerman: You know what? Screw you. Yeah, you got the boom and the pow, and your lips are cash money, but what really turned me on about you was how much of an ass-kicker you were. Winning all those championships, going to New York, raising Beth alone... all garbage. This was your chance to get in on the ground floor of something really special... me. But you're too much of a coward to go for it.

Alma Lopez: Santana, you're all bones. Like Jesus on the cross. Eat.

Santana Lopez: Abuelita, I have something that I want to talk to you about...

Alma Lopez: Okay, who cares, talk with your mouth full, hm?

Santana Lopez: No, no, no. Come on. Come on.

Alma Lopez: Hmm?

Santana Lopez: Siente te conmigo.

Alma Lopez: Ah. Okay.

Santana Lopez: Look... I have to tell you a secret; a secret that I've kept hidden for a long time, but...

Alma Lopez: You need salsa...?

Santana Lopez: No, no, no. Escúchame. Please... You're so special to me.

Alma Lopez: Santana, are you pregnant? Because I will beat you up with this chair.

Santana Lopez: No, it's not... it's not that.

Alma Lopez: Okay.

Santana Lopez: It's just that I've watched you my whole life. And you've always been so strong. Done exactly what you believe, and never cared about what anyone else thought of you...

Alma Lopez: Tell me about your life, I know mine.

Santana Lopez: Abuelita... I love girls the way that I'm supposed to feel about boys. It's just something that's always been inside of me, and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me. Who I really am. When I'm with Brittany... I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside... but every day just feels like a war. I walk around so mad at the world, but I'm really just fighting with myself. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me. Say something, please.

Alma Lopez: Everyone has secrets, Santana. They're called secrets for a reason. I want you to leave this house. I don't ever want to see you again.

Santana Lopez: Abuela, you...

Alma Lopez: Go.

Santana Lopez: You don't...

Alma Lopez: Now.

Santana Lopez: I'm the same person I was a minute ago.

Alma Lopez: You made your choice. Now I have made mine.

Santana Lopez: But why?

Alma Lopez: It's selfish of you to make me uncomfortable. Esto es una vergüenza. The sin isn't in the thing, it's in the scandal, when people talk about it aloud.

Santana Lopez: So you're saying it would've been better if I would've kept this a secret? Abuela...

Noah Puckerman: I didn't bring protection.

Quinn Fabray: It's okay. I don't care.

Noah Puckerman: Under normal circumstances, I'd take my chances, but we have a pretty crappy track record.

Quinn Fabray: Maybe we'll get lucky again.

Noah Puckerman: You mean unlucky.

Quinn Fabray: Look, trying to get Beth back was a stupid idea.

Noah Puckerman: You're just figuring this out now?

Quinn Fabray: But we made one perfect baby. We can make another. We have everything we need.

Noah Puckerman: Wait... Is this why you invited me over? See, this is what happens when you have anger sex.

Quinn Fabray: Why are you angry at me? Fine! You don't want this? There's 20 other guys at this school who would kill to give me what I want; they would kill to love me.

Noah Puckerman: I'm not angry at you. I let you down. We all did. You just spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows, and not one person took ten seconds to help you. And you're a frickin' mess. You have been for three years. Ever since I knocked you up. You don't need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special. If there's one person that I'm sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it's you.

Quinn Fabray: Maybe I was just... getting all my crazy, bad decisions out of the way early.

Noah Puckerman: I see you somewhere warm and glamorous, like L.A. or Miami or Toronto.

Quinn Fabray: Fine. But you have to do something for me. You're staying here. You're gonna lie with me and hold me.

Noah Puckerman: Okay. But no funny business.

Quinn Fabray: Who are you angry at? You know, the whole "anger sex" thing.

Noah Puckerman: I need to tell you something. But you have to promise to keep it a secret.

Cooter Menkins: How bad was it?

Sue Sylvester: Dukakis bad. Third place with 16% of the vote.

Cooter Menkins: What does that mean for... us?

Shannon Beiste: Yeah, I have the same question. Now that the election's over, you two don't have to pretend to be something you're not.

Cooter Menkins: Now, Shannon...

Sue Sylvester: Cooter, have a seat on that Pilates ball right over there. This is between me... and Brian Dennehy. I lost a lot in the last 24 hours. Lost an election, lost my reputation, I lost an enormous last-minute bet I placed on myself with a very shady bookie from Vegas. Cooter Mankins is the best thing to happen to me since a sophomore named Becky Jackson waddled into my life, and I will be damned if I lose him, too.

Cooter Menkins: Shannon, I like you heaps. But I'd be lying if I told you I didn't like Sue here, too. I don't know what to say.

Shannon Beiste: I've had the same problem. I haven't known what to say, either. But I feel like I finally do. Cooter, I'm in love with you. And I'm sorry I haven't told you till now, and I'm sorry I let a tall, pretty blonde swoop in and snatch you right away, but I'm telling you now, if I had to bench-press a wildebeest just to prove to you how much you mean to me, I would do it. I would do anything to win you back, Coot. And I will not go down without a fight.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys. Shelby and I just wanted to say that you've really inspired us.

Shelby Corcoran: When we face off at Sectionals, it will be with more empathy, and a deeper understanding of each other.

Will Schuester: That's right. That's right!

Artie Abrams: Where's Rachel? She never misses applause.

Finn Hudson: She's dealing with stuff.

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: As the son of Ohio's recently-minted Congressman...

Will Schuester: Yeah, Burt!

Kurt Hummel: And to dispel any lingering clouds of suspicion, I would like to, personally and publicly, congratulate President Brittany. The people have spoken, and they want you, Brit. They want Pixy Stix. Rule wisely. Rule fabulously.

Brittany S. Pierce: That was the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me.

Kurt Hummel: Ooh!

Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you, Kurt. You're still the most unicorn of them all, so...

Kurt Hummel: Maybe I could put that on my NYADA application.

Blaine Anderson: Don't give up hope, ever. We'll figure something out.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Quinn, are you okay?

Will Schuester: Santana, will you bring us home?

Brittany S. Pierce: That's right!

Santana Lopez: Thanks, Mr. Schue. So I picked a song that gives me strength and gets me through. Same way all of you do. The struggle continues, but at least I know I'm not alone.
# Even #
# Through the darkest phase #
# Be it #
# Thick or thin #
# Always #
# Someone marches brave #
# Here beneath #
# My skin #
# And constant #
# Craving #
# Has always #
# Been #

Shelby Corcoran: # Maybe #
# A great magnet pulls #
# All souls #
# Towards truth #
# Or maybe #
# It is life itself #
# Leads wisdom #
# To its youth #

Santana & Shelby: # Constant #
# Craving #
# Has always #
# Been #
# Craving... #
# Ah-ha #
# Constant craving #
# Has al... #
# Ways been #
# Has al... #
# Ways been #
# Has al... #
# Ways been #
# Has al... #
# Ways been #
# Has always been. #

Will Schuester: Rachel?

Rachel Berry: I just, um, told Principal Figgins that I rigged the election so that Kurt would win. Kurt, please, don't hate me. You're totally in the clear.

Finn Hudson: What did he say?

Rachel Berry: He said that he had no choice but to put it on my permanent record, and that I'm suspended for a week. Also he said that I was banned from competing at Sectionals.

Quinn Fabray: I thought you weren't allowed here.

Rachel Berry: I'm permitted on school grounds as long as I'm getting my work. Oh, I wanted to tell you I'm available for vocal coaching if you need any help. We need to bring our "A" game if we have any chance of beating the Trouble Tones.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, we're not gonna have any trouble with them. Not as soon as I have Shelby Corcoran fired. She's sleeping with Puck.

Rachel Berry: Look, that's a really, really dangerous rumor to make up, okay? You're gonna ruin her entire reputation.

Quinn Fabray: That's the plan. And it's not a lie. I heard it from Puck.

Rachel Berry: First of all, Puck is 18, so what he and Shelby are doing, even though it's just wrong and so gross, it's not illegal. So all you're doing is you're just, you're getting her fired, which is gonna take away her income to provide food and clothes and put a roof over her child's tiny little blonde head.

Quinn Fabray: Sounds like an unfit mother. And I'll be waiting in the wings when they take Beth away from her.

Rachel Berry: Beth loves her mom. Shelby is her real mom. Look, you've done a lot of really bad things, Quinn, but if you tell people about this Puck-and-Shelby thing, you'll be ruining this little girl's life, and then you'll have really hit rock bottom.

Finn Hudson: Sectionals is in our auditorium for the first time since 1963.

Will Schuester: Too much talking, not enough looking for songs for Sectionals. We need to do something upbeat.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, maybe we need to concentrate on our performer problem before we set a set list. I mean, at least the Cheerios can dance. We need star power. We need Sam Evans.

Will Schuester: Sam transferred. His whole family moved. We don't even know where he is.

Finn Hudson: He's in Kentucky. It's just across the border from Cincinnati. It's about a four hours from here. Even homeless people have Facebook.

Kurt Hummel: Rachel and I might as well get used to a life of barista work and summer stock. There's no way we're getting into NYADA now. If we don't win at Sectionals, I pretty much have nothing to live for.

Blaine Anderson: New Directions is a mess, and we're gonna lose, Kurt, and I can't do a thing about it. Every time I open my mouth, Finn gives me these looks like, "What does he think he's doing?" I know what I'm doing.

Sebastian Smythe: Hey, guys! It's so crazy. I'm sitting over there checking out this guy and all of a sudden I'm, like, "Wait a second I know that hair." What's up, buddy? Haven't seen you online. Hi, Kurt.

Blaine Anderson: We've been really busy with Glee Club.

Kurt Hummel: Practicing for Sectionals... together.

Blaine Anderson: Mmm, congrats on the Warbler win at your sectionals. We're up this week.

Sebastian Smythe: Yeah. Well, hey, if there's one guy that can whip New Directions into a legitimate threat, it's Blaine Anderson, right?

Blaine Anderson: Right. I need another coffee.

Kurt Hummel: I don't like you.

Sebastian Smythe: Fun. I don't like you either.

Kurt Hummel: I don't like the way you talk to my boyfriend, I don't like your smirky little meerkat face, I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm onto you.

Sebastian Smythe: Let's get a few things straight. Blaine's too good for you. New Directions is a joke. And one of us has a hard luck case of the gay-face, and it ain't me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron and that gay face.

Kurt Hummel: You smell like Craig's List.

Blaine Anderson: What are you guys talking about?

Sebastian Smythe: Duh, the next time we're all going out drinking, killer!

Blaine Anderson: Uh-oh.

Sebastian Smythe: Well, I gotta run. But you take care of that Warbler, Kurt.

Finn Hudson: Wait. This can't be the right place. Sam works in a bar?

Rachel Berry: Well, there just aren't a lot of theaters in Northern Kentucky, so theatre groups just have to perform in whatever space they can find.

Finn Hudson: There's a lot of ladies here— like, older ladies.

Rachel Berry: Finn, it's no secret that dinner theater appeals to elderly women.

Announcer: Good afternoon, ladies! Are you ready to meet the men of Stallionz? Then please welcome to the stage— Cobra!

Finn Hudson: I didn't know Backdraft was a musical.

Announcer: Someone get the door, 'cause here comes Mr. Package.

Rachel Berry: Oh, God, no.

Announcer: And ladies, let's give a warm welcome to White Chocolate!

Finn Hudson: That's not an image I can ever get out of my mind.

Rachel Berry: Give me a dollar.

Finn Hudson: What?

Rachel Berry: Just give me a dollar.

Sam Evans: Rach-Rachel...

Sam Evans: I tried getting a real job. DQ was great and I got two free Blizzards a day, but it paid just over minimum wage. Thanks. You know how much I made this afternoon? 60 bucks. $61... in 15 minutes. Am I ashamed I work here? Yeah, I'm ashamed. My dad got a job working construction to pay the rent, but when my brother needs a new pair of shoes or the TV busts, these abs pay for it.

Finn Hudson: Wait. Your parents don't know that you work here?

Sam Evans: No, they just think the DQ pays really well. I'm good at this.

Rachel Berry: You're good at it because you have that a boy-next-door innocence that makes you approachable, okay? You're good at it for all the reasons that you shouldn't be doing it.

Finn Hudson: Come back to McKinley, Sam. We need you for Sectionals. Tell me you don't want it. Dude, you're young, you got so much potential. Working re is, like, throwing your life away.

Sam Evans: Okay, I want it... but my dad will never let me.

Finn Hudson: Don't know till you ask.

Sam Evans: Here we go. Dad, Mom, what I'm trying to say is I want to go back to Ohio with them. They need me to compete at Sectionals this weekend.

Rachel Berry: And he could stay at one of our houses, so it wouldn't be like he was homeless. Not that there isn't a quiet dignity in that or anything.

Dwight Evans: You think you two could go in the other room, make yourselves busy, please?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, totally— I'm really good at looking busy.

Dwight Evans: Son... we've had a really tough year, but now we've back on our feet. You had to become a man much sooner than other kids your age.

Sam Evans: I'm-I'm proud of what we've all done. It's just that... I miss being a teenager.

Dwight Evans: Hey-hey-hey-hey...

Sam Evans: Mom, please don't... Look, if you cry, I won't go.

Mary Evans: I'm just crying because... it just makes me so sad to think of not seeing your face every day. Though I don't understand why the Dairy Queen makes you put that glitter all over it.

Dwight Evans: This gonna make you happy?

Sam Evans: You have no idea.

Dwight Evans: Come on.

Artie Abrams: Are we sure yet which band members are joining us?

Noah Puckerman: Well, it looks like "Floppy Hair Bass Dude," "Chapped Lips McGee," and "Johnny Tromboner."

Tina Cohen-Chang: God, we're screwed.

Quinn Fabray: No, we're not. I know for a fact that we're winning.

Will Schuester: Hey, great news, everybody. Sectionals is going to be a challenge, but we have a—

Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, we all appreciate your endless supply of affirmations, but all the sparkling cider in the world can't deny the fact that the Titanic has hit the iceberg and now we're on a sinking ship.

Sam Evans: Not if I can help it. Hey.

Mike Chang: Hi!

Quinn Fabray: Come here!

Sam Evans: I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Finn and Rachel. I sort of lost my way, but... true friends help you find your way back.

Finn Hudson: Let's hear it for Sam Evans!

Sam Evans: All right, enough of the sentimental stuff. It's time y'all get a little country back in this joint!

New Directions: Oh!

Artie Abrams: Cheers!

Finn Hudson: Two, one, two, three.

Sam Evans: # Now a red Solo cup is the best receptacle for barbecues #
# Tailgates, fairs and festivals #
# And you, sir, do not have a pair of testicles #
# If you prefer drinking from glass #
# Hey, a red Solo cup is cheap and disposable #
# And in 14 years, they are decomposable #
# And unlike my home, they are not foreclosable #
# Freddie Mac can kiss my ass! Ooh! #
# Red Solo cup, uh-huh, I fill you up #
# Let's have a party #

Boys of ND: # Let's have a party #

Sam Evans: # Let's have a party #
# I love you, red Solo cup #
# I lift you up, proceed to party #

Finn Hudson: # Proceed to party #

Sam Evans: # Proceed to party #

Finn Hudson: # Proceed to party #

Sam Evans: # Now, I seen you in blue and I've seen you in yellow #
# But only you, Red, will do for this fellow #
# 'Cause you are the Abbot unto my Costello #
# And you are the fruit to my loom #
# Red Solo cup, you're more than just plastic #
# You're more than amazing, you're more than fantastic #
# Believe me when I'm not the least bit sarcastic #
# When I look at you and say... #
# Red solo cup, you're not just a cup. #

Finn Hudson: # God, no! #

Sam Evans: # You're my... #

Finn Hudson: Friend? #

Sam Evans: # You're my friend. Thank you for being my friend, red Solo cup. #

Quinn Fabray: # Aw... #

Sam Evans: # Red Solo cup, I fill you up #
# Let's have a party #

Finn Hudson: # Have a party #

Sam Evans: # Let's have a party #

Finn Hudson: # Let's have a party #

Sam Evans: # I love you, red Solo cup #
# Red Solo #

New Directions: # I fill you up #
# Let's have a party #

Sam Evans: # Let's have a party #

New Directions: # Let's have a party, yeah-eah! #

Finn, Quinn & Tina: # Solo cup #

Sam Evans: # Do-do #

Finn, Quinn & Tina: # Solo cup #

Sam Evans: # Oh, do-do #

Finn, Quinn & Tina: # Solo cup #

Sam Evans: # Doo-dee-da-ba #
# Hmm-hmm-mm. #

Will Schuester: Corn dogs!

Santana Lopez: I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth is back in town. I've been keeping a notebook, just in case this day ever came. "Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I've missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth, and skipped town. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn't find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you've been working as a baby-polisher, where young mothers place their infants' heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you're back. I haven't seen a smile that big since a Claymation Abominable Snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana."

Sam Evans: I missed you, too, Santana.

Quinn Fabray: Hey, Sam, wait up. I'm sure you've heard that Mercedes has a new boyfriend. He's got a full scholarship to Ohio State.

Sam Evans: Nice to see you, too, Quinn.

Quinn Fabray: No, no, it's a good thing. See, I'm free, you're free. And I'm sure that you've noticed that I'm supermodel thin now that my thyroid is under control.

Sam Evans: What do you want, Quinn?

Quinn Fabray: Look, last year I didn't appreciate you. But we're perfect together.

Sam Evans: Quinn...

Quinn Fabray: I'm gonna get Beth back. And-And you'd be perfect to help raise her. You're so good with kids. What is so funny?

Sam Evans: Quinn, you've got what I call "rich white girl problems." It's a tough world out there, I know. I've been through it. You only get one senior year. Enjoy it. You know that song "Jack and Diane" by John Mellencamp?

Quinn Fabray: Please don't sing.

Sam Evans: My favorite lyric is this one: "Hold on to 16 as long as you can."

Tina Cohen-Chang: Well, want going to see your dance. I thought video one of your team with the applications? Deadlines are this week.

Mike Chang: Tina, I already applied to Stanford. Pre-med.

Tina Cohen-Chang: But you don't want to be a doctor, you want to be a dancer.

Mike Chang: Not if it means ripping my family apart. My dad hasn't said one word to me or my mom since West Side Story. I'll dance in my free time. Everyone's happy.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Except for you. Mike, your dad needs to understand that dancing is your passion, not some extracurricular.

Mike Chang: I miss him, Tina.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I know. But you have one life, Mike. One chance to get it right. Don't be a coward.

Mike Chang: Don't call me that.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You won't make it as a dancer if you're not 100% committed. So maybe your dad's right. Maybe you should be a doctor.

Mike Chang: Or maybe he's right, and we shouldn't be together.

Will Schuester: ...six, seven, eight. Bum-bum-bum. Step and hit. Come on! To the beat!

Noah Puckerman: What does it even matter, anyway? It's not like we have a chance of winning. Not without the girls.

Rory Flanagan: Sir, girls smell better than ham and when they're dancing and bouncing around, you can't help but watch them.

Will Schuester: Well, that's it then. We'll take what's most appealing about us as a group, and we'll use it to our advantage.

Blaine Anderson: Yeah, how about, you know, something like, um... something like that?

Kurt Hummel: Cute!

Will Schuester: I like the spin, I like the spin. Try it again. Yeah.

Sam Evans: God, okay, stop, stop. Look, Blaine, this... is totally boy band. What we need to sell here is sex.

Blaine Anderson: What the hell is that?

Sam Evans: That's a, it's a body roll.

Blaine Anderson: It's not a body roll.

Sam Evans: That is sex.

Artie Abrams: Man's not wrong. I got light tingles where it's only 50/50 for tingling.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam, that's awesome. That's exactly what we need.

Blaine Anderson: No, that's not, that's not what we need. We don't have to resort to... that. It's cheap. You know, it's selling out.

Sam Evans: I came back here to win. When you're desperate, sometimes you got to, you know, use your assets and do what you got to do to get back that advantage. This is the advantage.

Blaine Anderson: Of course that's what you think; you have to think that in order to sleep at night.

Sam Evans: What the hell does that mean?

Blaine Anderson: It means that I'm not for sale.

Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.

Blaine Anderson: Forget it.

Finn Hudson: Is that Sam's face?

Blaine Anderson: Yep. Yours, too. Don't act so surprised. After getting bullied so much, I took up boxing. I also started the Dalton branch of Fight Club, which I obviously can't talk about! What is your problem with me, anyway?! Ever since I got here, you've given me nothing but crap.

Finn Hudson: Honestly, dude, I was kind of jealous. I felt threatened. Your talent kind of freaked me out, made me question whether or not I was good enough. Look, Blaine, I'm sorry. Uh, I've been acting like a jackass to you. With Rachel gone, you're the most talented, well-rounded member of this team. And now more than ever, we need to be on the same page. United.

Blaine Anderson: Tell me what you need me to do.

Finn Hudson: We have an opportunity. An opportunity to be remembered at this school for the rest of our lives for doing the impossible. But it all starts right here, with you and me. I just want to be able to look across that stage at you and know that we did everything we could. No regrets.

Blaine Anderson: Let's get back to work.

Finn Hudson: All right.

Mercedes Jones: What are you doing?

Sam Evans: Holding your hand.

Mercedes Jones: Don't. Sam, look, I...

Sam Evans: I heard about your boyfriend.

Mercedes Jones: Then you heard he's built like a bulldozer. We had a summer fling.

Sam Evans: It was more than that.

Mercedes Jones: I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, but... I've moved on. And you need to do the same.

Sam Evans: I don't care how big or bad your boyfriend is. I'm gonna fight to get you back.

Mike Chang Sr.: What's this?

Tina Cohen-Chang: A bootleg of West Side Story. Starring your son. You missed the performance, but I thought you should see how truly incredible Mike was in it.

Mike Chang Sr.: Go. Take that with you.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Are you sure? 'Cause if you saw it, then maybe you'd realize that Mike's throwing everything he loves away just to please you. And if you don't make it right, he's going to spend the rest of his life doing something he hates, dying inside.

Mike Chang Sr.: Tina... sit. Please. You want to be a performer, too? And your parents support this?

Tina Cohen-Chang: They love me.

Mike Chang Sr.: They love you, but they're not honest with you. And you children, you think you know everything, but this path you've chosen, Tina, the one you want Mike to choose, too, there'll be such heartache. So few opportunities for you.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I know. I've heard the jokes. I better hope they do a musical of The Joy Luck Club or Memoirs of a Geisha. I don't care. Performing is what I need to do— same as your son. And it may be hard, but it's what we were born to do. You know, you're always talking about honor, Mr. Chang. Help your son honor his gift.

New Directions: # La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la #
# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la #

Blaine Anderson: Okay, guys, you're going to want to sing from your diaphragm as much as you can.

Finn Hudson: And if you forget the words, just keep your lips moving. Hopefully, nobody will notice.

Will Schuester: Let's take a few moments to gather our thoughts. Trouble Tones are on in five.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Good luck out there. What?

Mike Chang: Why would you try and talk to my dad? You're making things worse. He almost didn't let me come today. I'm really disappointed in you, Tina.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Well, that makes two of us, 'cause I'm really disappointed in you.

Shelby Corcoran: Hello, Will.

Will Schuester: Looking good, ladies!

Shelby Corcoran: We just came to say, may the best Glee club win.

Santana Lopez: Yes, and just in case that Glee club is us, I have convinced Miss Corcoran to consider a contingency plan.

Shelby Corcoran: Yes, in the event of a New Directions loss, Trouble Tones has voted to allow any of you to join us at Regionals.

Sugar Motta: You're welcome.

Will Schuester: Excuse me?

Finn Hudson: That's incredibly rude, Santana.

Santana Lopez: We're being nice. It would be rude if I followed you around and every time you took a step, I played a note on a tuba.

Will Schuester: Thank you for the offer, Miss Corcoran, but right now, we're gonna concentrate on winning this thing.

Quinn Fabray: And we will be winning, Shelby. We've got it in the bag. Puck here is going to come through for us. He's such a shining star, in every conceivable way. Don't you think?

Shelby Corcoran: Good luck, everybody. See you on the ice.

Finn Hudson: Sad?

Rachel Berry: Devastated.

Announcer: And now, the judges for this year's Show Choir Sectional...

Finn Hudson: Come on.

Announcer: ...here at McKinley High. Department of Motor Vehicles Employee of the Month, Brandy Englebert! From the 11th District Court of Appeals, the Honorable Judge Dorothy Saunders! And Western Ohio's Birthday Clown of the Year three years running— Tickles! And now, let's welcome our first performers. All the way from Defiance, Ohio, the Unitards!

The Unitards: # What's new, Buenos Aires? #

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, it's the Gerber baby.

The Unitards: # I'm new, I want to say I'm just a little stuck on you #
# You'll be on me, too #

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my God, she's good.

Rachel Berry: Oh, this is torture. I should be singing that song.

The Unitards: # Stand back #
# You ought to know what you're gonna get in me #
# Just a little touch of star quality #
# Fill me up with your heat, with your noise #
# With your dirt, overdo me #
# Let me dance to your beat, make it loud, let it hurt #
# Run it through me #
# All I want is a whole lot of excess #
# Tell the singer this is where I'm playing #
# And... if ever I go too far #
# It's because of the things you are #
# Beautiful town #
# I love you #
# You're a tramp, you're a treat #
# You will shine to the death, you are shoddy #
# But you're flesh, you are meat #
# You shall have every breath in my body #
# Put me down for a lifetime of success #
# Give me credit, I'll find ways of paying #
# Stand back, Buenos Aires #
# Because you ought to know what you're gonna get in me #
# Just a little touch of, just a little touch of #
# Just a little touch of star quality. #

Emma Pillsbury: Wow.

Will Schuester: I didn't count on that one.

Rachel Berry: Where are you going?

Quinn Fabray: Aren't you supposed to be in the auditorium?

Rachel Berry: I saw you leave the auditorium. I know what you're gonna go do. You're gonna go tell Figgins about Shelby and Puck.

Quinn Fabray: I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want.

Rachel Berry: If you want to be a destructive force in the universe, that's your business, okay, but can you just please at least wait until after the Trouble Tones perform?

Quinn Fabray: Why?

Rachel Berry: Because we don't want to wreck all the hard work that our friends in that group put into their performance.

Quinn Fabray: So we win.

Rachel Berry: No, not like that. Look, just... if you're going to go through with this, you owe it to Shelby to tell her first. It's the adult thing to do. I got a taste of what it's like to do the wrong thing. Okay? And it feels awful.

Shelby Corcoran: Does she have a temperature? Okay, forget it. I'll be home in an hour. Looks like I'm going to be missing my own victory party.

Quinn Fabray: Puck told me about you two. I'm going to tell Figgins and get you fired.

Shelby Corcoran: I'm ending it. Not that there's that much "it" to end.

Quinn Fabray: You shouldn't have come here with her. I would have been fine. What you did was wrong. What you're doing with Puck is wrong.

Shelby Corcoran: You're so young... pretty...

Quinn Fabray: Don't talk down to me.

Shelby Corcoran: It goes away, you know. Not the pretty— you'll always be pretty— but the young. It happens really slow, and you don't even notice it, and then, one day... everything just feels different.

Quinn Fabray: I can't wait to feel different.

Shelby Corcoran: Don't wish away your life. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. I think I thought that being with an 18-year-old would make me feel 18 again, but mostly, it just made me feel even older. All right. I'm going to enjoy my last few hours of being a teacher. I recommend that you enjoy being up on that stage.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, from McKinley High, competing for the first time ever, the Trouble Tones!

Shelby Corcoran: I am sorry, Quinn.

Santana Lopez: # At first I was afraid, I was petrified #
# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side #
# But then I spent so many nights #
# Thinking how you did me wrong #
# And I grew strong #
# And I learned how to get along #

Mercedes Jones: # And so you're back #
# From outer space, I just walked in #
# To find you here with that sad look upon your face #
# I should have changed the stupid lock #
# I should have made you leave your key #
# If I'd have known for just one second #
# You'd be back to bother me #

Santana Lopez: # Oh, now, go #
# Walk out the door #
# Just turn around now #
# 'Cause you're not welcome anymore... #

Finn Hudson: We got this.

Blaine Anderson: Yeah, we do.

Santana Lopez: # You think I'd crumble #
# You think I'd lay down and die #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm a survivor #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm not gonna give up #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm not gonna stop #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm gonna work harder #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm a survivor #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm gonna make it #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I will survive #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Keep on survivin' #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes Jones: # Thought I couldn't breathe without you, I'm inhaling #
# You thought I couldn't see without you, perfect vision #
# You thought I couldn't last without you, but I'm lastin' #
# You thought that I would die without you, but I'm livin' #
# That I would fail without you, but I'm on top #

Santana Lopez: # Thought it would be over by now, but it won't stop #
# Thought that I would self-destruct #
# But I'm still here #
# Even in my years to come I'm still gonna be here #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm a survivor #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm not gonna give up #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm not gonna stop #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm gonna work harder #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm a survivor #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I'm gonna make it #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I will survive #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Keep on survivin' #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, no, not I, I will survive #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love #
# I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# And I've got all my love to give #
# And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I'm a survivor #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I'm not gonna give up #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I'm not gonna stop #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I'm gonna work harder #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I'm a survivor #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I'm gonna make it #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I will survive #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # Keep on survivin' #

Sugar Motta: # What? #

Mercedes, Santana & Brittany: # I will survive. #

Announcer: Also from McKinley High, let's give it up for the New Directions!

Tina Cohen-Chang: # A-boo, boo, boo, boo, boo #

New Directions: # A-boo, boo, boo, boo, boo #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You went to school to learn, girl #
# Things you never, never knew before #

Kurt Hummel: # Like "I" before "E" except after "C" #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # And why two plus two makes four #
# Now, now, now, I'm gonna teach you #

New Directions: # Teach you, teach you #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # All about love, dear #

New Directions: # All about love #

Mike Chang: # Sit yourself down and take a seat #
# All you gotta do is repeat after me #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # ABC, easy as one, two, three #
# Or simple as do re mi #
# ABC, one, two, three, baby, you and me, girl #

New Directions: # ABC #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Easy as one, two, three #
# Or simple as do re mi #
# ABC, one, two three #
# Baby, you and me, girl #

New Directions: # Just a, a little bit #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Come on, let me love you #

New Directions: # Come on #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Just a little bit #

New Directions: # Little bit #
# Teach, teach, sing it out #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Come on, come on #
# Come on, let me show you what it's all about #

Quinn Fabray: # Reading, writing, arithmetic #
# Are the branches on the learning tree #

Mike Chang: # Well, listen, without the roots of love #
# Let me tell you, girl #

Kurt Hummel: # Your education ain't complete #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # T-t-t-teacher's gonna show you #

New Directions: # Show you, show you #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # How to get an "A" #

New Directions: # Na, na, na, na, na #

Mike Chang: # Spell me, you, add the two #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Listen to me, baby, that's all you gotta do #
# Oh, ABC, it's easy as one, two, three #
# Or simple as do re mi #
# ABC, one, two, three, baby, you and me, girl #

New Directions: # ABC #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # It's easy #
# It's like counting up to three #
# Sing a simple melody #

New Directions: # Do re mi, ABC #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # That's how easy love can be, sing a simple melody #
# One, two, three, you and me #

New Directions: # Ah, yeah! #

Kurt Hummel: # Sit down, girl! I think I love you! #

Mike Chang: # No! Get up, girl! Show me what you can do! #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Shake it, shake it, baby #

Mike Chang: # Come on now #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Shake it, shake it, baby #

Kurt Hummel: # Ooh, ooh #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three, baby #
# That's how easy love can be #
# ABC, it's easy #
# It's like counting up to three #

New Directions: # One, two, three #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing a simple melody #

New Directions: # Do re mi, ABC #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # That's how easy love can be #

Mike Chang: # I'm-a gonna teach you how to sing it out, sing it out #
# Sing it out, sing it out, sing it #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Baby, ABC, it's easy #
# It's like counting up to three #

New Directions: # One, two, three #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Sing a simple melody #

New Directions: # Do re mi, ABC #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # That's how easy love can be #

Mike Chang: # I'm-a gonna teach you how to sing it out, sing it out #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Easy as one, two, three. #

Quinn Fabray: # This is a story about control. My control. Control of what I say, control of what I do. And this time, I'm gonna do it my way. #

Blaine Anderson: # When I was 17, I did what people told me #
# Uh #
# I did what my father said and let my mother mold me #
# But that was long ago #
# I'm in #

Quinn Fabray: # Control #

Blaine Anderson: # And now I've got a lot #

Artie Abrams: # Ow! #

Quinn Fabray: # Control #

Artie Abrams: # To get what I want #

Quinn Fabray: # Control #

Blaine Anderson: # Never gonna stop #

Quinn Fabray: # Control #

Artie Abrams: # And now I'm all grown up #

Blaine & Artie: # Jam #
# Whoo, whoo #

Artie Abrams: # Rebel #
# That's right #

Blaine Anderson: # Got my own mind #
# I want to make my own decisions #
# When it has to do with my life, my life #

Artie Abrams: # I want to be the one in control #
# So let me take you by the hand and lead you on this dance #

Blaine Anderson: # 'Cause what I've got is because I took a chance #

Artie Abrams: # I don't want to rule the world #
# Just want to run my life #

Blaine Anderson: # So make your life a little easier #
# When you get the chance, just take control #

New Directions: # Ooh, ooh #

Artie Abrams: # Now I've got a lot #

New Directions: # Ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # Control #

Blaine & Artie: # Now I'm all grown up #

New Directions: # Ooh! #

Blaine & Artie: # Free at last #

Artie Abrams: # Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah #

Quinn Fabray: # Free #

Blaine & Artie: # Now control this #
# Uh #

Artie Abrams: # 'Cause I've got my own mind #

Blaine, Artie & Quinn: # Gonna make my own decisions #

Artie Abrams: # When it has to do with my life #

Blaine Anderson: # I want to be the one in control #

Blaine, Artie & Quinn: # I'm in control #

Blaine & Artie: # Uh #

Blaine, Artie & Quinn: # I'm in control #

Artie Abrams: # Ah #

Blaine, Artie & Quinn: # I'm in control #

Blaine & Artie: # Uh #

Blaine, Artie & Quinn: # I'm in control #

Artie Abrams: # Ah. #
# Ooh, ooh #
# Ah #

Finn Hudson: # I'm gonna make a change #
# For once in my life #

Finn & Artie: # It's gonna feel real good #
# Gonna make a difference #

Finn Hudson: # Gonna make it right #

Noah Puckerman: # As I turn up the collar #
# On my favorite winter coat #
# This wind is blowin' my mind #

Blaine & Artie: # I see the kids in the street #
# Without enough to eat #
# Who am I to be blind #
# Pretending not to see their needs? #

Sam Evans: # A summer's disregard #
# A broken bottle top #
# And one man's soul #

Artie Abrams: # They follow each other on the wind, you know #
# 'Cause they got nowhere to go #
# That's why I want you to know #

Boys of ND: # I'm starting with the man in the mirror #
# I'm asking him to change his ways #
# And no message could have been any clearer #
# If you wanna make the world a better place #
# Take a look at yourself and then make a change #

Finn & Artie: # I'm starting with the man in the mirror #

New Directions: # Oh, yeah #

Finn & Artie: # I'm asking him to change his ways #

New Directions: # Just change #

Finn & Artie: # And no message could have been any clearer #

Mike Chang: # If you wanna make the world a better place #
# Take a look at yourself and then make a change #
# You gotta get it right, while you got the time #
# 'Cause when you close your heart then you close your mind #

Finn Hudson: # I'm starting with the man in the mirror #

New Directions: # Oh, yeah #

Finn Hudson: # I'm asking him to change his ways #
# And no message could have been any clearer #

Finn & Artie: # If you wanna make the world a better place #
# Take a look at yourself and then make that change #

Noah Puckerman: # Stand up #

Artie Abrams: # Stand up #

Noah Puckerman: # Stand up #

New Directions: # Make that change #

Finn Hudson: # Stand up and let yourself now #

New Directions: # Man in the mirror #

Blaine Anderson: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

New Directions: # Make that change #

Artie Abrams: # Stand up, stand up in love #

Sam Evans: # You know it, you know it, you know it, you know #

New Directions: # Change... #

Mike Chang: # Make that change. #

Quinn Fabray: Get over here!

Blaine Anderson: Gave it our all.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, we did.

Sam Evans: Top dogs!

Finn Hudson: Yes!

Sam Evans: This is what I was missing!

Mike Chang: I just... I can't believe it. I can't believe he actually came. He stood and...

Mike Chang Sr.: Michael. May I speak with you? Both of you?

Mike Chang Sr.: Dancing is your talent, your dream. That's what you tried to tell me. That's what you tried to tell me. And that's what I saw tonight. This is your path, son, so you must follow it, and make us proud. And your mother and I, we will help you follow it however we can. Apply to dance schools— the best ones.

Mike Chang: Dad... Dad, I... I missed the deadlines, I think.

Tina Cohen-Chang: No, you didn't. I sent in your applications, just in case. I kind of had to forge your signature, though.

Mike Chang: I love you so much.

Tickles the Clown: As an award-winning clown, I'd like to say that it's nice, for once, to be working with kids that are just sick with talent. Third place— The Unitards!

Kurt Hummel: Harmony... Hi. I just wanted to tell you that I thought you were really amazing.

Harmony: And just think, I'm only a sophomore and I'm already this good. Next year's going to be a bloodbath.

Tickles the Clown: In second place... we have the Trouble Tones! In first place is New Directions!

Rachel Berry: Well, my suspension is officially over. It'll still be on my transcript, though. I'm just hoping that the admissions department at NYADA sees it as a sign of my artistic, rebellious, attitude.

Quinn Fabray: Good luck with that.

Rachel Berry: Are you going to go tell Figgins about Shelby? 'Cause I just... I still think that it's a really terrible idea.

Quinn Fabray: I came here to talk to you, actually. To tell you I'm not going to tell.

Rachel Berry: Why?

Quinn Fabray: Because I love Beth, and I don't want to ruin her life. I wanted to thank you actually.

Rachel Berry: For what?

Quinn Fabray: For keeping me from doing something stupid. Something I would have regretted my entire life.

Rachel Berry: We're kind of friends, huh?

Quinn Fabray: Kind of. What do you think about Yale?

Rachel Berry: Oh, no, I have my sights set on NYADA.

Quinn Fabray: No, for me. I'm not the singer that you and Kurt are, but Yale has an amazing drama program. And I really do like to perform.

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Quinn Fabray: Certainly would nail all the parts where the girl has to cry.

Rachel Berry: No, I think it's a great idea. I mean, especially since you won't have me to compete with. You're a lot better than you know.

Quinn Fabray: Well, I'll see you at Glee Club.

Rachel Berry: Where are you going?

Quinn Fabray: I have a couple people I need to talk to.

Rachel Berry: Okay, well, I don't know if you need help with your Yale application...

Quinn Fabray: Not with the Yale application, but, um, there is something you could do for me.

Mercedes Jones: We were better.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know, I think it could have gone either way.

Santana Lopez: It was that damn Trouty Mouth. Even I felt a little something in my lady loins when he did that magic sex dance.

Quinn Fabray: All right, ladies, girl talk.

Santana Lopez: No. Uh-uh. Don't you dare try and give us a pep talk.

Mercedes Jones: Or ask us to come back to New Directions— not interested.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, is it even possible? Do you think they would really take us back?

Mercedes Jones: Of course they would take us back. But I'm telling you, I'm not going.

Quinn Fabray: Do you know what growing up is about? Losing things. In six months, we'll all be gone, scattered.

Mercedes Jones: We'll keep in touch.

Quinn Fabray: Yeah, but it won't be the same. When we see each other, it'll be a special occasion. It'll be different. I don't want to grow up yet. I'm not ready to lose you girls.

Mercedes Jones: What are we supposed to do? Come back to Glee Club and sing background for Blaine and Berry until we graduate? I'm not doing that again. We know what it feels like to be out front now.

Quinn Fabray: What if Mr. Schue agreed to let the Trouble Tones sing at least one number per competition?

Santana Lopez: Well, even if Mr. Schue did agree to that, Rachel never would.

Quinn Fabray: What if I told you that they both already did?

Mercedes Jones: I'm listening.

Quinn Fabray: Look, I know I went a little crazy. But I'm here now. I'm 17— I have the rest of my life in front of me. I love Glee Club. I love you girls. And when we're 27, or 87, I want us to be able to look back on these next couple months and talk about how it was the best times of our lives. Can't do that if we're not all together. We're doing a big number in the auditorium to celebrate our victory and to prepare for Regionals. We could use a couple more girl voices. Let me know if you hear about anybody who might want to join.

Rachel Berry: # Give me a second #
# I need to get my story straight #
# My friends are in the bathroom #
# Getting higher than the Empire State #
# My lover he's waiting for me just across the bar #
# My seat's been taken by some sunglasses #
# Asking 'bout a scar and #

Finn Hudson: # I know I gave it to you months ago #
# I know you're trying to forget #
# But between the drinks and subtle things #
# The holes in my apologies #
# You know I'm trying hard to take it back #

Sam Evans: # So if by the time the bar closes #

Sam & Quinn: # And you feel like falling down #
# I'll carry you home #

Finn Hudson: # Tonight #
# We are young #

Finn & Rachel: # So let's set the world on fire #
# We can burn brighter than the sun #

Mercedes Jones: # Whoa #

Mercedes & Santana: # Tonight #
# We are young #

New Directions: # We are young #

Mercedes & Santana: # So let's set the world on fire #

New Directions: # Fire #

Mercedes & Santana: # We can burn brighter than the sun #

Quinn Fabray: # Carry me home tonight #
# Just carry me home tonight #

Santana Lopez: # The angels never arrived #
# But I can hear the choir #
# So someone come and carry me home... #

Rachel Berry: # Tonight #
# We are young #

Finn & Rachel: # So let's set the world on fire #
# We can burn brighter than the sun #

Mercedes Jones: # We are young #

New Directions: # La-la-la-la-la-la-la #
# We are young #
# We are young #
# We are young #

Mercedes & Santana: # So let's set the world on fire #
# We can burn brighter than the sun #

Finn & Rachel: # So if by the time the bar closes #
# And you feel like falling down #
# I'll carry you home tonight. #

Mercedes Jones: # I don't want a lot for Christmas #
# There is just one thing I need #
# I don't care about the presents #
# Underneath the Christmas tree #
# Make my wish come true #
# All I want for Christmas #
# Is #
# You... #
# I don't want a lot for Christmas #
# There is just one thing I need #
# Don't care about the presents #
# Underneath the Christmas tree #
# I don't need to hang my stocking #
# There upon the fireplace #
# Santa Claus won't make me happy #
# With a toy on Christmas Day #
# I just want you for my own #
# More than you could ever know #
# Make my wish come true #
# Baby, all I want for Christmas #
# Is you... #

New Directions: # You, baby #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh...

New Directions: # All I want for Christmas #
# Is you #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh... #

New Directions: # Baby #
# All I want for Christmas #
# Is you #

Mercedes Jones: # All I want for Christmas #
# Is you. #

Rachel Berry: Best Christmas ever.

Rachel Berry: Here's my list.

Finn Hudson: I thought we agreed the "things did wrong this week" list was hurting more than helping.

Rachel Berry: My Christmas list. I heard you were having a little trouble figuring out what to get me.

Finn Hudson: I'm freaking out. I have no idea what to get Rachel for Christmas.

Artie Abrams: When in doubt, go with socks.

Mike Chang: A wok is always good.

Rory Flanagan: What about soil?

Blaine Anderson: I agree with Artie about the socks.

Noah Puckerman: You see? This is why I don't have a high-maintenance girlfriend. Or any girlfriend, for that matter.

Finn Hudson: Who told you? Kurt?

Rachel Berry: No.

Kurt Hummel: Yes.

Finn Hudson: But I can't afford all this stuff.

Rachel Berry: Oh, no, silly. No, no. I just put 15 things on the list, and you can pick out five. Look, in a... in a few weeks, I'm going to find out if I'm a finalist for NYADA or not, and, well, I just... I'd really love to have a little Yuletide bauble as a good-luck charm for my audition.

Finn Hudson: Spray tan? Teeth whitening?

Rachel Berry: I mean... I'm just trying to make it easier for you. If you'd like, you can make a list for me also.

Finn Hudson: Well, like the song says, "All I want for Christmas is you." Aw.

Rachel Berry: All I want for Christmas is you, too. And five things on that list. I love you.

Finn Hudson: Holy crap, I'm dating Kim Kardashian.

Sue Sylvester: Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay, the Yuletide is upon us, and everyone knows that Cistmas is a time for forgiveness, so I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook one mash-up at a time. I've also forgiven you for forcing me to run in and promptly lose an humiliating statewide election.

Artie Abrams: We... accept your forgiveness?

Sue Sylvester: Now, Christmas isn't just a time when Jewish kids get slightly uncomfortable and dwarves get jobs as Santa's helpers in demeaning nonunion commercials that make them quietly die inside. No, Christmas is also a time to give back. Which is why, this Friday, I am volunteering at the Lima Homeless Shelter. And I thought maybe you and your fellow Glee clubbers might want to pitch in by giving the gift of song.

Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester, I've heard you say on several occasions that you don't believe in homelessness.

Artie Abrams: You said you considered homeless people urban campers.

Sue Sylvester: Can I be honest with you, Stumbles, Gelfling, young Burt Reynolds? I lost my sister this past year, and this will be my first Christmas without her. And honestly, I'm just trying to keep myself occupie I... I made plans to shoot reindeer from a helicopter with Sarah Palin, but she canceled. Apparently, Todd gets fussy when she misses his ballet recitals.

Kurt Hummel: We'd be happy to help.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, that's fantastic. And now, in the spirit of Christmas, get the hell out of my office.

Rachel Berry: We might have spent r entire decorating budget for the whole year, but with something that looks as absolutely fabulous as this, I have to say, brav-ho-ho-ho.

Finn Hudson: Hey, everybody, listen up. My man, Rory Flanagan here, wants to say a few.

Rory Flanagan: Thanks, Finn Hudson. So, guys, my mummy was going to come visit for the holidays, but plane tickets are expensive, so it's my first Christmas without any family. I'd like to cheer myself up by dedicating this song to them... and to the King.

Kurt Hummel: Jesus?

Rory Flanagan: # I'll have a blue #
# Christmas #
# Without you #
# I'll be so blue #
# Just thinking #
# About you #
# You'll be doing all right #
# With your Christmas of white #
# But I'll #
# Have a blue #
# Blue, blue, blue Christmas #
# I'll have a blue #
# Christmas #
# Ooh, ooh #
# That's certain #
# And when the blue #
# Heartache stops hurting #
# Ooh, ooh #
# You'll be doing all right #
# With your Christmas of white #
# But I'll #
# Have a blue #
# Blue #
# Christmas #
# Ooh #
# Ooh... #

Santana Lopez: Gosh, that song was so depressing. I may actually be dead right now.

Rachel Berry: I-I think, what Santana means is, although that... that was mournfully beautiful, now that the whole Glee club is back together, I think that we should focus on the more joyous and the pageant aspect of this holiday season.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Rachel's right. Last Christmas was super sad. Kurt was at another school, Coach Sylvester trashed everything, and Artie got a pair of magic legs that broke the next day. We were the island of misfit toys. This year is going to be...

Will Schuester: This year, it's a whole new sprig of mistletoe. Guess who's not getting coal in their stockings foonce... us. Rory, have a seat. just got off the phone with Don Borowski, the local station manager at Lima's PBS affiliate. Turns out that their annual broadcast of the Yule log burning has been canceled.

Noah Puckerman: The hell?

Will Schuester: Yeah, they can't afford the licensing fees anymore. But thank you, Scrooges who own that copyright, because Don came to Sectionals, he loved what we did and he is offering us...

Rachel Berry: A Christmas special featuring all of us? Okay, please say you said yes.

Will Schuester: Not only did I say yes, but when Don said that they were looking for a director for the special, I nominated you, Artie.

Artie Abrams: Me?

Will Schuester: Yeah. He saw West Side Story, loved your work, and he wants to take a meeting.

Artie Abrams: But I... I swore I would never sell out and do television. I'm really going to have to think about this, Mr. Schue.

Sam Evans: I'll have to show you my locker stacking secrets so that never happens again. Is that your family?

Rory Flanagan: The whole Flanagan clan.

Sam Evans: It's hard, isn't it? Being away from them.

Rory Flanagan: It's so hard. It's harder than I ever imagined.

Sam Evans: I know the feeling. I'm only a few hours away from my family, and I miss them like crazy. What are you going to do for Christmas this year?

Rory Flanagan: I'm even not sure. Brittany and her family are going on a trip to see a gay Santa. Something about Santa Fe.

Sam Evans: Why don't you spend the holiday with, uh, my family? I-I need help staying awake on the drive, plus, this whole week, I'll be your Christmas sponsor. Really show you what the holiday spirit's about in the USA.

Rory Flanagan: That'd be so awesome, Sam.

Don Barowski: I am absolutely delighted that our channel's Christmas special is being directed by a teenage disabled boy. You're like a modern day Tiny Tim. Oh. I am sorry. Tiny Tim could walk.

Artie Abrams: In the spirit of Christmas, I'm going to pretend you never said that. Here's the dealio, Mr. Borowski. I have two ironclad demands. The first one came to me last night in a dream. The Wookiee was right. The best Christmas show of all time is The Star Wars Holiday Special, shown only once in 1978, then locked away in the Lucasfilm vault like the precious jewel it is. Every fanboy in the galaxy knows it's completely awesome. Therefore, Star Wars must be a part of our Christmas special. And I also want to shoot it in black and white.

Don Barowski: Black and white?

Artie Abrams: It will be an homage to the second best special of all time, the Judy Garland Christmas show. You know, some s Judy was high on pills and booze, but... I say she was high on excitement and Baby Jesus.

Don Barowski: Kid, you can shoot the thing in 3-D, starring a flock of pigeons, as long as you can produce it for under 800 bucks.

Artie Abrams: I can do it, sir. I know I can.

Rachel Berry: # It's coming on Christmas #
# They're cutting down trees #
# They're putting up reindeer #
# And singing songs of joy and peace #
# Oh, I wish I had a river #
# I could skate away on #
# I wish I had a river so long #
# I would teach my feet #
# To fly #
# Oh, I wish I had a river #
# I could skate away on #
# I made my baby cry #
# He tried hard to help me #
# You know, he t me at ease #
# He loved me so naughty #
# Made me weak in the knees #
# Oh, I wish I had a river #
# I could skate away on. #

Artie Abrams: Yeah. Rachel, could you come see me?

Rachel Berry: Yes, Artie, of course. And if this is about my ears, I know that they're a little naked right now, but that's just because I'm waiting for something special. Something that's really gonna sparkle and, you know, catch the light. So what's up?

Artie Abrams: It's not about your ears, it's about your song. It makes me want to kill myself.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, Joni Mitchell is not depressing, she's emotional.

Artie Abrams: It doesn't fit my vision for our Christmas spectacular.

Rachel Berry: And what is that exactly?

Artie Abrams: We begin in the Swiss Alps, in the village of Gstaad, in the perfely-appointed living room of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson's chic swank chalet. The tree towering and opulent. The fireplace draped in garlands. The stockings bejeweled. Kurt and Blaine, the perfect hosts have invited their friends to drop in for an evening of Noel Coward-esque banter and fun, happy, cheer-filled songs.

Rachel Berry: Are you telling me I'm not invited to Kurt and Blaine's for Christmas?

Artie Abrams: Not unless you pick a happier song. The evenins festivities conclude with Rory, dressed as the Christmas elf Itchy, reciting "Frosty the Snowman." Start with fun, end with fun. That's how you do it, kids.

Sam Evans: The Frosty story isn't fun. At the end, he melts and dies.

Artie Abrams: I'm rebooting Frosty. In my version, he doesn't melt. He... Well, new pages forthcoming.

Sam Evans: What's wrong with a story that's a little sad or a song that's a little depressing? I mean, that's part of Christmas, too, right? It's the sad things that make you remember what's really important.

Artie Abrams: Sorry, Sam, but the phrase is "Merry Christmas," not "morose Christmas." That's the vision. That's what you have to buy into.

Sam Evans: Well, sorry, Artie, I'm not buying into it. I'm gonna go downtown, see if I can ring one of those Salvation Army bells. Come on, Rory. I'll give you a ride.

Rory Flanagan: I should memorize my part, Sam.

Finn Hudson: Hey. Bummer about Artie going all Scrooge on your song.

Rachel Berry: I'm getting a song in that Christmas special. Christmas is all about giving, and Artie certainly wouldn't be in the Christmas spirit if he didn't let me give my talents to the people of Western Ohio. At least, the ones who don't have cable. Speaking of giving, don't you think it would be a shame for me to sing on television for the first time without me sparkling in the glow of one of your generous gifts?

Finn Hudson: Oh, you want me to give you your present early?

Rachel Berry: I hadn't even thought about that, but what a sweet idea. Yeah.

Finn Hudson: Okay, yeah. All right.

Rachel Berry: Okay. Usually it comes in a box, but... Okay. Where's my bling?

Finn Hudson: Well, that was a little out of my-my price range, but-but then I saw this commercial for these African sow pigs you can adopt. You pay, like, two bucks a month to fatten them up for a whole year, and then they feed a family for, like, a month.

Rachel Berry: You gave me a dead pig for Christmas?

Finn Hudson: No, no, it's not dead yet; you got to get it fat first.

Rachel Berry: I'm a vegan.

Finn Hudson: Look, I thought Christmas was about giving, okay?

Rachel Berry: Which is why I gave you a super specific list. Look... it's very sweet that you gave me a pig...

Finn Hudson: It's an African sow pig.

Rachel Berry: Whatever it is, I... I appreciate it. But I made you a list so that you wouldn't embarrass yourself like this. I'm not asking for much. All I want is what's coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

Finn Hudson: Guess I'll give the sow pig to my mom or something.

Rachel Berry: That is such a great idea. It's gonna be the best Chrtmas ever.

Blaine Anderson: # He came into my dreams last night #
# A great, big man in red and white #
# He told me that it's gonna be #
# A special year for you and me #
# Underneath the mistletoe #
# Hold me tight and kiss me slow #
# The snow is high, so come inside #
# I want to hear you say to me #

Rachel & Blaine: # It's a very, very, merry, merry Christmas #
# Even better than the one before #
# Gonna party on till Santa grants my wishes #
# Think he's knocking on my front door #
# Got my halo on, I know what I want #
# It's who I'm with #
# It's an extraordinary merry Christmas #
# Won't you meet me by the tree? #
# Slip away so secretly #
# Can't you see how this could be? #
# The greatest gift of all #
# It's a very, very, merry, merry Christmas #

New Directions: # Even better than the one before #

Rachel & Blaine: # Gonna stay with you till Santa grants my wishes #

New Directions: # Think he's knocking on my front door #

Rachel & Blaine: # Got my halo on, I know what I want #
# It's who I'm with #
# It's an extordinary merry Christmas #

New Directions: # Even better than the one before #

Rachel & Blaine: # It's a very, very, merry, merry Chrtmas #

New Directions: # Even better than the one before #

Rachel & Blaine: # It's an extraordinary merry Christmas. #

Artie Abrams: I bow to you.

Rachel Berry: Oh, God.

Artie Abrams: Gold. Gold! That's what I'm talking about! I see Cheerios behind you, kind of a dancing Santa thing.

Rachel Berry: Just as long as they don't upstage us.

Blaine Anderson: Yeah, as long as they don't upstage us.

Artie Abrams: Good.

Sue Sylvester: Look at you do-gooders. Hard at work.

Artie Abrams: Coach Sylvester, we're in the middle of rehearsal.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, and I think it's great you're working so hard on your performance. And I'll tell you what. Everyone at the homeless shelter is really looking forward to the show. I just wanted to confirm with you, Artie, that we're on for Friday night.

Artie Abrams: Oh, Friday. It's a no-can-do on Friday. We're taping our Christmas special for the Lima PBS.

Sue Sylvester: You told me you were in.

Artie Abrams: This is a huge opportunity for us. Can we just do it another night?

Santana Lopez: Homeless will be homeless for a while. That's sort of the problem.

Sue Sylvester: I promised them. You don't want to disappoint these kids.

Artie Abrams: Hmm, like your behavior has disappointed us for years? Last Christmas, you cut down our tree, you stole our presents and you made Becky dress up like a reindeer.

Sue Sylvester: So you're gonna walk away from people who have nothing?

Rachel Berry: No, not at all. We're just gonna distract them from their plight and the smell of urine and make them happy with our glamorous Christmas cheer.

Sue Sylvester: The homeless don't have TVs. So you're all agreed on this? Fine. Merry Christmas.

Artie Abrams: Let's take it from the top, guys. And remember, smile.

Man: Live from Lima, Ohio, it's the Glee Holiday Spectacular! Starring Rachel Berry, Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman, Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson, Mike Chang and Tina Cohen-Chang, no relation featuring Mercedes Jones and Rory Flanagan, with special guests Santana Lopez, Brittany S. Pierce and the Cheerios. The Glee Holiday Spectacular is directed by Artie Abrams. Tonight's special is brought to you by Breadstix. Now with even more breadsticks.

Artie Abrams: Are we live? And action!

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, the weather outside is frightful #
# But the fire is so delightful #
# And since we've no place to go #
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow #

Kurt Hummel: # It doesn't show signs of stopping #
# And I bought some corn for popping #
# The lights are turned way down low #
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow #

Kurt & Blaine: # When we finally kiss good night #
# How I'll hate going out in the storm #
# But if you really hold me tight #
# Then all the way home I'll be warm #

Kurt Hummel: # The fire is slowly dying #
# And, my dear, we're still good-bye-ing #

Blaine Anderson: # But as long as you love me so #

Kurt & Blaine: # Let it snow, let it snow, let it, let it snow #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, the weather outside is frightful #
# But the fire is so delightful #

Kurt & Blaine: # And since we've no place to go #
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow #

Kurt Hummel: # The weather outside is frightful #
# But the fire is so delightful #

Kurt & Blaine: # And since we've no place to go #
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow #

Kurt Hummel: # It doesn't show signs of stopping #

Blaine Anderson: # And I've bought some corn for popping #

Kurt & Blaine: # The lights are turned way down low #
# Let it snow #

Blaine Anderson: # When we finally kiss good night #

Kurt Hummel: # Finally kiss good night #

Blaine Anderson: # How I'll hate going out in the storm #
# But if you finally hold me tight #

Kurt Hummel: # Finally hold me tight #

Kurt & Blaine: # Then all the way home I'll be warm #
# And, my dear, we're still good-bye-ing #
# But as long as you love me so #
# Let it snow, let it snow #
# Let it snow, let it snow #
# Oh #
# Oh, oh #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, let it snow #

Kurt Hummel: # Oh, let it snow. #

Kurt Hummel: Hello. Well, I guess we're all in the spirit of the season by now. Let me apologize for not introducing myself sooner. I'm Kurt Hummel, one of your hosts this evening. Thank you. And this is my, um... best friend and holiday roommate, Blaine Anderson.

Blaine Anderson: How do you do? Welcome to our bachelor chalet.

Kurt Hummel: We've also asked a few of our other special friends to dp by. But I hope they can make it over the mountains and through the woods in this dreary weather.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, come on, now, Kurt. You know if they get stuck in the snow, they can always hitch a ride on Santa's sleigh.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, you!

Blaine Anderson: Hey, it's true.

Kurt Hummel: Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for keeping yo standing outside, shivering on the porch. Please, come in. Please, come in. Watch your step. Come on now. Don't be shy. Please, come, come.

Blaine Anderson: Come right on in. Make yourself at home.

Kurt Hummel: Blaine, please offer our guests some holiday libations. I apologize, but I must check my bid on the Elizabeth Taylor Christie's jewelry auction online.

Blaine Anderson: Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, no!

Blaine Anderson: Oh, what happened? Did Mariah outbid you on that necklace you wanted?

Kurt Hummel: That I could take. The Internet is down because of this inclement weather. I didn't get to put my bid in on time. Christmas is canceled! Who could that be?

Blaine Anderson: The door's open. Come on in.

Rachel Berry: Oh, sorry, we're late. Hope there's still eggnog.

Kurt Hummel: For you two, always.

Rachel Berry: Oh, Kurt, how are you? You look great. I love what you've done with the place.

Kurt Hummel: Just a splash of color.

Blaine Anderson: May I take your sweater?

Rachel Berry: Blaine.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, forgive me. Everyone, these are our very good friends, Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones.

Mercedes Jones: What's going on, boys?

Kurt Hummel: Well, we're on television.

Rachel Berry: Oh, television? Us, too? Hello.

Mercedes Jones: This is for you, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: For me? May I open it?

Mercedes Jones: Oh, I wish you would.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my dear. Oh, what is in here?

Mercedes Jones: Here we go.

Kurt Hummel: Ooh. Oh, my goodness! Oh, my dears! How did you know? Ladies and gentlemen, if you can believe it, from the Elizabeth Taylor auction, ladies and gentlemen, it's Miss Taylor's diamond and emerald necklace and pendant.

Audience: Oh!

Kurt Hummel: Thank you. Thank you so much. I cannot believe it. It is truly a Christmas miracle.

Mercedes Jones: Truly a Christmas knockoff.

Rachel Berry: Mercedes, don't give away all of our secrets. Blaine, this is for you.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, why, thank you so much, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: It's a bow tie with little Christmas trees on it.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, would you look at that?

Rachel Berry: Would you look at that? And there's a little surprise under the wrapping paper.

Blaine Anderson: Why, they're candy cane striped Capri pants. You know what the best part is? I actually don't already own a pair. If you can believe that.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, jewels and short pants and bow ties and good friends. Truly, this is an ideal evening.But, Blaine, you know what's really needed now.

Blaine Anderson: Oh, I think I do. Rachel, Mercedes?

Rachel Berry: Oh, we couldn't possibly. We're not prepared!

Blaine Anderson: Oh, come now. The piano's just sitting there, its ivories waiting to be tickle.

Rachel Berry: Well, there is a little something that we've been working on. I'm in if you are.

Mercedes Jones: Well, it is Christmas, after all.

Blaine Anderson: That's just grand.

Mercedes Jones: Come on. Let's go.

Rachel Berry: Oh, Kurt, Mercedes, Blaine, you know, I've realized that there's some favorite things that can't be bought line or in a store or even in a catalog. They're right here in front of my nose. For instance...
# Raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens #
# Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens #
# Brown paper packages tied up with strings #
# These are a few of my favorite things #

Mercedes Jones: # Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels #
# Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles #

Mercedes & Rachel: # Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings #
# These are a few of my favorite things #

Kurt Hummel: # Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes #

Blaine Anderson: # Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes #

Kurt & Blaine: # Silver white winters that melt into springs #

All: # These are a few of my favorite things #

Rachel Berry: # When the dog bites, when the bee stings #
# When I'm feeling sad #
# I simply remember my favorite things #
# And then I don't feel... #
# So bad #

Mercedes Jones: # Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens #
# Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens #

Rachel Berry: # Brown paper packages tied up with strings #
# These are a few of my favorite things #

Kurt Hummel: # Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels #

Blaine Anderson: # Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with ndles #

Rachel Berry: # Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings #

Mercedes Jones: # These are a few of my favorite things #

Blaine Anderson: # Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes #

Kurt Hummel: # Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes #

Rachel Berry: # Silver white winters that melt into spring #

All: # These are a few of my favorite things #

Rachel Berry: # When the dog bites, when the bee stings #
# When I'm feeling sad #
# I simply remember my favorite things #
# And then I don't feel... #
# So bad. #

Mercedes Jones: Say, when's Christmas dinner?

Kurt Hummel: Oh, no, you guys! With all the guests and the songs, I forgot to turn on the oven.

Rachel Berry: Kurt!

Blaine Anderson: Oh, great. Whatever else could go wrong? I suppose we'll have to find out... after these messages from our sponsors.

Kurt Hummel: And then I said to Justin Timberlake, "That's not eggnog!"

Blaine Anderson: Gee whiz, you guys, it's really coming down out there.

Kurt Hummel: Blaine is right, you guys. Global climate change is no laughing matter. Our overreliance on fossil fuels is causing erratic weather patterns like this one.

Mercedes Jones: I think these are the end times.

Blaine Anderson: Well, if there's one thing we can all agree on is that if it keeps snowing like this, Santa Claus won't be able to bring us our presents.

Mercedes Jones: Wait! Did you hear that?

Kurt Hummel: Jingle bells?

Noah Puckerman: Sorry, guys. Just us.

Rachel Berry: Hello. Oh! How rude of me. Ladies and gentlemen, Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman! Ooh!

Blaine Anderson: Say, are you dressed like Luke Skywalker and Han Solo?

Finn Hudson: No. That's copyright infringement. Any resemblance to Star Wars characters is purely coincidental.

Noah Puckerman: Hey, guys, why the long faces? It's Christmas Eve or something.

Rachel Berry: We thought we heard Santa Claus, but with the climate change and end times, we just don't think Santa Claus is coming to town.

Finn Hudson: Well, that's not what we heard.
# Oh, you better watch out #
# You better not cry #
# You better not pout, I'm telling you why #
# Santa Claus is coming to town #
# Santa Claus is coming to town #
# Santa Claus is coming #
# To town #

Noah Puckerman: # He's making a list, he's checking it twice #
# He'gonna find out who's naughty or nice #
# Santa Claus is coming to town #
# Santa Claus is coming to town #
# Santa Claus is coming #
# To town #
# Oh, you better watch out #
# You better not cry #

Finn Hudson: # You better not pout, I'm telling you why #

Noah & Finn: # Santa Claus is coming to town #
# Santa Claus is coming to town #
# Santa Claus is coming to town #

Finn Hudson: # Ho, ho, ho, ho! #

Noah Puckerman: # You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry #

Finn Hudson: # You better not pout, I'm telling you why #

Noah & Finn: # Santa Claus is coming to town #

Finn Hudson: # Yeah #

Noah & Finn: # Santa Clause is coming to town #
# Santa Claus is coming to #
# Santa Claus is coming to town. #

Kurt Hummel: Oh, my stars. More guests? I hope it's carolers!

Brittany S. Pierce: # "Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong #
# 'Cause it is my favorite holiday #
# But all this year's been a busy blur #
# Don't think I have the energy to add #
# To my already mad rush # Just 'cause it's 'tis the season #
# The perfect gift for me would be #
# Completions and connections left from last year #
# Ski shop, encounter most interesting #
# Had his number, but never the time #
# Most of '81 passed along those lines #
# So deck those halls, trim those trees #
# Raise up cups of Christmas cheer #
# I just need to catch my breath #
# Christmas by myself this year #
# Merry Christmas, Merry Christs #
# Couldn't miss this one this year #
# Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas #
# Couldn't miss this one this year #
# Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas #
# Couldn't miss this one this year #
# Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas #
# Couldn't miss this one this year. #

Kurt Hummel: All my Christmas wishes came true.

Blaine Anderson: All except for one.

Rachel Berry: Oh, my goodness, could it be? Could it be?

All: Itchy the Holiday Elf.

Kurt Hummel: We asked our friend Itchy to stop by and read us a lighthearted, heartwarming, upbeat, happy Christmas tale, "Frosty the Snowman."

Rory Flanagan: Actually, I was going to read that, but... I searched my heart, and I'm going to read one from a different book. I think it's something that's going to remind people what the true spirit of Christmas really is.

Rachel Berry: Are you sure you don't want to read "Frosty"? We all really want to hear "Frosty."

Rory Flanagan: Lights, please. "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not. 'For behold, 'I bring ye good tidings 'of great joy, which shall be to all people: 'for unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior, which is Christ the Lord.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, 'and on earth, peace, goodwill toward men.'"

Quinn Fabray: What?

Sam Evans: Everyone's just been telling me you've been having a rough year, but you seem pretty od to me.

Quinn Fabray: I'm better. Think I was just stuck focusing on everything I didn't have and none of the stuff that was good. Stuff in the future.

Sam Evans: I'm glad you turned it around. You deserve good things, Quinn.

Quinn Fabray: I'm trying.

Sue Sylvester: Ah, ah, ah, ah! Portion control, Bee Sting. Come on. Guess you're just not used to being on this side of the serving line.

Quinn Fabray: Seriously though, I don't think we have enough food for everybody.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah. Economy gets bad, people give less.

Will Schuester: Hey!

Artie Abrams: I know we're late, but we were all hoping there's still time to help. We brought the turkey from the special with all the fixings.

Will Schuester: Yeah, it's a prop but it's real.

Sue Sylvester: Why don't you put it on the table over there, kiddo.

Sam Evans: You guys finally me around.

Finn Hudson: Well, you can thank Rory for helping us see the light.

Rory Flanagan: I was just following my Christmas sponsor's lead.

Noah Puckerman: Would it be weird if I made myself a plate?

Artie Abrams: We have a song, too. We were gonna perform it as our final number for our Christmas special, but we lost the final ten minutes of airtime when the station reached a last-second agreement with those Yule log people.

Sue Sylvester: As long as it's not "Jingle Bells." It seems it's the only song our janitor knows how to play, and I'm bleeding from the ears.

Will Schuester: If you'd be so kind.

Man: Sure.

Will Schuester: Love your "Jingle Bells" though.

Finn Hudson: # It's Christmastime #
# There's no need to be afraid #
# At Christmastime #
# We let in light and we banish shade #

Mercedes Jones: # And in our world of plenty #
# We can spread a smile of joy #
# Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime #

Rachel Berry: # But say a prayer #
# Pray for the other one #
# Oh, at Christmastime, it's hard #
# But when you're having fun #

Kurt & Blaine: # There's a world outside your window #
# And it's a world of dread and fear #

Artie & Britney: # Where the only water flowing #
# Is the bitter sting of tears #

Noah & Tina: # And the Christmas bells that ring #
# Are the clanging chimes of doom #

Mercedes Jones: # Well, tonight thank God it's them #

Mercedes & Rachel: # Instead of you #

Artie, Tina & Rachel: # And there w't be snow in Africa this Christmastime #

Santana Lopez: # This Christmastime, no #

Artie, Tina & Rachel: # The greatest gift they'll get this year is life #

Santana Lopez: # Is life #

Artie, Tina & Rachel: # Where nothing ever grows #

Santana Lopez: # Nothing ever grows #

Artie, Tina & Rachel: # No rain or rivers flow #
# Do they know it's Christmastime at all? #

Santana Lopez: # Yeah #

Finn, Rachel & Brittany: # Feed the world #

Tina & Artie: # Let them know it's #

Artie, Tina & Rachel: # Christmastime time again #

Finn, Rachel & Brittany: # Feed the world #

Tina & Artie: # Let them know it's Christmas time again #

Finn, Rachel & Brittany: # Feed the world #

Tina & Artie: # Let them know it's Christmas time again #

Finn, Rachel & Brittany: # Feed the world #

Tina & Artie: # Let them know it's Christmastime again. #

Rachel Berry: Just the guy I was looking for.

Finn Hudson: Hi.

Rachel Berry: I wanted you to know that I named my pig.

Finn Hudson: The African sow pig?

Rachel Berry: Yep. Come here. Her name is Barbra. After my hero. I mean, I'm assuming that she's a girl. But I just hope that pig Barbra inspires all of the children who eat her as much as the real Barbra inspired me.

Finn Hudson: So it's a kosher sow pig?

Rachel Berry: Yeah. Look, the important thing is, is that I just want you to know that I'm really sorry. Okay, I-I love her and I love you, and that's all that matters to me on Christmas. Okay?

Finn Hudson: Well, I-I'm glad you like the pig...

Rachel Berry: Barbra.

Finn Hudson: Barbra. But, uh, then I realized that once they kill and eat Barbra, you're not gonna have anything to show for this year's Christmas. So I got you something else. You ready?

Rachel Berry: Yes.

Finn Hudson: It's your own star.

Rachel Berry: You named a star after me?

Finn Hudson: Well, no. I, uh, I thought about that, but then I named it Finn Hudson. Because there's already a star named Rachel Berry. And she's right here on earth and she's brighter than any of those stars up there. So I just wanted to make sure that whenever she feels lonely, she can look up in theky, and no matter where I am, she can know that I'm looking down on her. When it's nighttime.

Rachel Berry: I love this. I'm gonna put it up right over here.

Finn Hudson: And, uh, just in case it's-it's cloudy or, uh, the middle of the daytime or the star explodes in some massive supernova... these should shine just as bright.

Rachel Berry: It's too much.

Finn Hudson: No, no, it's okay. I-I hawked my letterman jacket on eBay, so...

Rachel Berry: No, no. It's too much wonderful for one girl. I mean, I get the-the guy and the stars and...

Finn Hudson: The pig.

Rachel Berry: I think it's time that I start giving back. Come on. Let's go get our coats.

Rory Flanagan: These bells make me homesick.

Sam Evans: You mean, like church bells and stuff?

Rory Flanagan: No. My brother Shamus gets lost all the time, so my dad made him wear a bell around his neck so we could always find him.

Sam Evans: Smart. Merry Christmas.

Rory Flanagan: Sam, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to be my Valentine's Day sponsor as well. I mean, you did such a good job being a Christmas sponsor, I figured you'd have no problem helping me land a snog or two by February.

Sam Evans: Deal. But you have to help me learn to perfect my Sean Connery. I'm telling you, impressions are the best way to get a chick. Whoa!

Rachel Berry: So how's business, guys?

Sam Evans: Uh, a little slow. But the revival house across the street is showing It's a Wonderful Life, so pretty sure we'll clean up when it gets out.

Finn Hudson: Well, just in case, we wanted to make our own little contribution to the cause. Sure you want to do this, Rachel?

Rachel Berry: Yes. I already got my Christmas present. All right, guys.

Sam Evans: Whoa, did you guys knock off a liquor store or something?

Finn Hudson: No, we just finally realized what really matters.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, we returned the earrings that Finn got me for Christmas and the iPod that I bought him. We decided we wanted to do something special this year for Christmas.

Rory Flanagan: We've got a couple of extra bells if you want to join in.

Rachel Berry: We'd love to.

Sam Evans: Best Christmas ever.

Rory Flanagan: Merry Christmas.

Sam Evans: Merry Christmas.

Rachel Berry: Happy Hanukkah.

Ian Brennan: So here is what you miss on Glee. Sam and Mercedes started secretly dating, and then he left town and now he's back and wants her back, but Mercedes has a new man.

Mercedes Jones: I've moved on.

Ian Brennan: Coach Beiste had the hots for Cooter the football recruiter and he liked her back but when Sue found out, she decided she wanted Cooter all to herself. Emma's got wedding fever, but Will's a little skittish 'cause the last time he was married, it didn't go well. Terri pretended to be pregnant, she yelled a lot, and she hated the Glee Club. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Mercedes, what's the deal with you and Sam? You've been stealing glances in the choir room, and you still haven't told us what happened over summer vacation.

Mercedes Jones: Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Rachel Berry: Go.

Mercedes Jones: It's true. Sam and I spent a lot of time together at the lake. And... we had a fling.

Blaine Anderson: Hey, tell us everything.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, dude, give us specifics.

Sam Evans: It was incredible, guys.
# Summer loving, had me a blast. #

Mercedes Jones: # Summer loving, happened so fast. #

Sam Evans: # I met a girl crazy for me. #

Mercedes Jones: # Met a boy cute as can be. #

Mercedes & Sam: # Summer days drifting away to, #
# uh-oh, those summer nights. #

New Directions: # Uh, well-a, well-a, well-a, huh #

Boys of ND: # Tell me more, tell me more. #

Rory Flanagan: # Did you get very far? #

Girls of ND: # Tell me more, tell me more. #

Sugar Motta: # Like, does he have a car? #

New Directions: # Uh-huh, doo-doo, uh-huh, doo-doo #
# Uh-huh, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo #

Sam Evans: # I saved her life, she nearly drowned. #

Mercedes Jones: # He showed off, splashing around. #

Mercedes & Sam: # Summer fling don't mean a thing. #
# But, uh-oh, those summer nights. #

Boys of ND: # Tell me more, tell me more. #

Finn Hudson: # But you don't gotta brag. #

Girls of ND: # Tell me more, tell me more. #

Kurt Hummel: # Cause he sounds like a drag. #

Mercedes Jones: # He got friendly, holding my hand. #

Sam Evans: # Well, she got friendly down in the sand. #

Mercedes Jones: # He was sweet, just turned 18. #

Sam Evans: # Well, she was good, you know what I mean #

New Directions: # Woah! #

Mercedes & Sam: # Summer heat, boy and girl meet. #
# But, uh-oh, those summer nights. #

Girls of ND: # Tell me more, tell me more. #

Santana Lopez: # How much dough did he spend? #

Boys of ND: # Tell me more, tell me more. #

Rory Flanagan: # Could she get me a friend? #

Mercedes & Sam: # Summer dreams ripped at the seams. #
# But, oh #
# Those summer nights... #

New Directions: # Tell me more, tell me more... #

Becky Jackson: I, Becky Faye Jackson, am the hottest bitch at McKinley High School. je ne suis pas seulement co-capitaine I'm president of the Perfect Attendance Club and I've won a participation award in rhythm gymnastics. You may be wondering why I sound like The Queen of England. It's simple, in my mind, I can sound like whomever I want. So lay off, haters. Okay, let's get reals. I could easily snag any dude east of the Mississippi, but I'm extremely picky. For instance, Rory grins too much. He looks like an insane person. Is that a Mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? No-Chang-do. I'm no rice queen. Now, that's more like it. Sweet, sexy and handi-capable like me, with a voice as velvety as my favorite Sunday church dress. It's decided. Artie Abrams, you're my new boyfriend.

Sue Sylvester: What happened to Jason, that cute boy you took to the prom?

Becky Jackson: I like hot dogs and he likes pizza. And I like Artie now. What do I do, Coach?

Sue Sylvester: You can ask him out on a date. Worst he could say is "No."

Becky Jackson: True that.

Sue Sylvester: Frankly, Becky, I think you can do better.

Emma Pillsbury: Mind if I join you?

Shannon Beiste: Sure, Ems, but your man's over there.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I'm just gonna let him be. He totally tanked his fantasy football season, so... So, two chickens today, huh?

Shannon Beiste: Emma, I'm celebrating.

Emma Pillsbury: Why?

Shannon Beiste: Cooter and I eloped.

Sue Sylvester: You what?

Emma Pillsbury: How did it happen?

Shannon Beiste: Well, you know, I've tried to be better about showing folks my feelings.

Emma Pillsbury: Right.

Shannon Beiste: So there we were, it was Christmas Eve, and we are at the Taco Bell. And I looked Cooter right in the eye and I said, "Coots, I gotta tell ya, I think you're my soul mate." And the next thing you know, I'm walking out of Fort Wayne's 24-Hour Chapel. Mrs. Cooter Mankins.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my God.

Sue Sylvester: That's why he hasn't called me in weeks. Well, Michael Chiklis in a wig, I would like to offer my congratulations. I've been bested. I guess it's time to call Boreanaz.

Shannon Beiste: Aw, wh's wrong, Punkin?

Emma Pillsbury: Shannon, I'm so, so glad this is happening for you, I am. I don't think Will wants to marry me.

Sue Sylvester: For God's sake, Amelia it's 2012. If you want to marry Will Suester, ask him.

Emma Pillsbury: # Will #
# I love you so. #
# I always will. #
# I look at you and see the passion eyes of May. #

Sue & Shannon: # Eyes of May #

Emma Pillsbury: # Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day? #

Sue & Shannon: # Wedding day #

Emma Pillsbury: # I was on your side, Will, #
# when you were losing. #

Sue & Shannon: # When you were losing #

Emma Pillsbury: # I never scheme or lie, Will. #
# There's been no fooling. #

Sue & Shannon: # There's been no fooling. #

Emma Pillsbury: # But kisses and love won't carry me. #
# Till you marry me, Will. #
# I love you so, I always will. #
# And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels. #

Sue & Shannon: # Carousels #

Emma Pillsbury: # Oh, but am I ever gonna hear my wedding bells? #

Sue & Shannon: # Wedding bells #

Emma Pillsbury: # Oh, come on, Will. #

Sue & Shannon: # Come on, Will. #

Emma Pillsbury: # Oh, come on, will. #

Sue & Shannon: # Come on, Will. #

Emma Pillsbury: # Come on and marry me, Will. #
# I got the wedding bell blues. #
# Please marry me, Will. #
# I got the wedding bell blues... #

Will Schuester: Emma, did you just ask me to marry you?

Emma Pillsbury: What? No. No, I didn't. Was that out loud? No, I didn't. Oh, my God.

Will Schuester: Finn, give me a drum roll!

New Directions: Marry...me. Marry me.

Rachel Berry: Question mark!

Will Schuester: Yes, I am proposing to Ms. Pillsbury. This is the kind of news that you share with your family, and you guys are my family.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, we're so happy for you.

Quinn Fabray: We totally don't think you'll screw it up this time.

Will Schuester: Here's the thing: it'sot to be perfect. I'm sitting down with Emma's parents to ask for permission, and then this proposal needs to knock her well-washed socks off. And that's where you guys come in, okay? So the assignment for the week is to come up with a proposal number. And you know Ms. Pillsbury— it's got to be perfect.

Artie Abrams: Well, you can count on us, Mr. Schue.

Sam Evans: Hey. Pretty romantic, huh? Think you're going to get married someday?

Mercedes Jones: After I win my first Grammy.

Sam Evans: You have any idea who the guy is going to be? Cause I know this awesome dude who's great at impressions and totally into you.

Mercedes Jones: Sam, stop. I'm with Shane.

Sam Evans: It's because I'm white, right?

Mercedes Jones: Are you insane?

Sam Evans: Okay, then it's because he's such a stud athlete. That letterman jacket makes all the girls go wild, I know.

Mercedes Jones: It was a summer fling, Sam.

Sam Evans: You telling me thinking about that tilt-a-whirl at carnival doesn't make you smile?

Mercedes Jones: Okay, that was fun.

Sam Evans: That's what I thought.

Mercedes Jones: But I'm with Shane now. Sorry, but summer is long over.

Artie Abrams: Hey, Sugar. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to work on a number together for Mr. Schue. Since I'm a director, I-I thought, you know, it would be really great...

Sugar Motta: Look, Artie, you seem really sweet. You're really just not my type.

Artie Abrams: No, I wasn't really asking you out, but...

Sugar Motta: I just think we'd look really weird together. Not that you're disabled, it's 'cause I'm abled, and people are really mean. I'm really worried that people are gonna think your legs look thinner than my arms.

Becky Jackson: Hi, Artie. Um, do you want to go out?

Artie Abrams: Go out where?

Becky Jackson: On a date.

Sam Evans: Hey, Coach. I'm not sure if you remember me. Uh, Sam Evans. I want to join the basketball team.

Shannon Beiste: Are you serious? Where were you when I was having tryouts?

Sam Evans: Uh, living in a hotel in Kentucky. To be honest, sir, I really want a letterman jacket with a varsity letter on it to wear this year and I need it, like, fast.

Shannon Beiste: Look, pal, every team at this school's already been practicing for months. The seasons have already started.

Sam Evans: Is there any team I can join in any sport? Please? Anything?

Shannon Beiste: Well, I mean, yeah, there's one, but I don't think you're gonna be inrested.

Vinny: Here's your chamois. Guard it with your life.

Webber: Every Guppy gets one and only one.

Vinny: You also get a letterman robe, so you'll need to pick a nickname to embroider on the back. It should be water-themed. I'm Vinny the Gill.

Sam Evans: Would Trouty Mouth work?

Roz Washington: Sam Evans, I'm Coach Roz Washington, and you are one strange-looking kid. I've never seen lips like that on a white child. And one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you had overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. Well, I know a thing or two about overcoming. When I was growing up, they said that black folks couldn't swim. But I had a dream that one day, I would get to the promised land! So I swam my way and got my 40 acres and a pool.

Vinny: Coach Roz was an Olympian.

Roz Washington: That's right. I won this bronze damn Olympic medal in Beijing, China for individual synchronized swimming. I bet you didn't even know there was such thing as individual synchronized swimming. Nod to me if I'm getting through to you! Nod to me! I'm gonna say one thing to you, Sam Evans, and I'm only gonna say it to you once. If you pee in my pool, I will kill you.

Sam Evans: Hey, guess what, dude. I just joined synchronized swimming.

Finn Hudson: Shh. Keep your voice down. You want everybody to hear you?

Sam Evans: Yeah, it means I get my letterman jacket.

Finn Hudson: Dude, you're in synchronized swimming and Glee Club. That's like some kind of weird death wish.

Sam Evans: Swimming is sexy.

Finn Hudson: Not if it's synchronized.

Sam Evans: I'm not worried.

Rick Nelson: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Did you see that? Synchronized.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God, Sam. Are you okay?

Shane Tinsley: What's going on, baby?

Mercedes Jones: I'm just... I'm helping out a friend.

Shane Tinsley: I think he'll pull through. Let me walk you to study hall.

Mercedes Jones: See you later.

Artie Abrams: I've been thinking, Mr. Schue. The girls are gonna try to neuter you with this proposal assignment by encouraging you to sing a sappy ballad, or maybe en cry during it. That's not only humiliating, it's predictable. Therefore, I'm proposing you subvert expectations, and lead with your hips.

Will Schuester: My what?

Artie Abrams: So modest. You have rock star hips, Mr. Schue.

Mike Chang: It's true. Mick Jagger hip.

Artie Abrams: Yeah. Unleash the moves we've been practicing on Ms. Pillsbury, and she will swoon. Don't be alarmed by the disco ball.
# Oh #
# Watch it, oh #
# Just shoot for the stars #
# If it feels right #
# And aim for my heart #
# If you feel like #
# And take me away #
# And make it okay #
# I swear I'll behave #
# You wanted control #
# So we waited #
# I put on a show #
# Now I make it #
# I was born in a crossfire hurricane #
# And howled at my ma in the driving rain #
# And it goes like this #
# Take me by the tongue #
# And I'll know you #
# Kiss me till you're drunk #
# And I'll show you #
# All the moves like Jagger #
# I've got the moves like Jagger #
# I've got the Jumpin' Jack Flash #
# It's a gas, gas, gas #

Finn, Blaine & Noah: # But it's all right #

Artie Abrams: # I don't need to try to control you #

Finn, Blaine & Noah: # But it's all right now #

Artie Abrams: # Look into my eyes, and I'll own you #
# With the moves like Jagger #
# I've got the moves like Jagger #
# I've got the moves #
# Like Jagger #
# I was born #
# In a crossfire hurricane #
# And I howled at my ma #
# In the driving rain #

Finn, Blaine & Noah: # Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, moves like Jagger #

Artie Abrams: # But it's all right #
# I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash #
# It's a gas, gas, gas, and it goes like this #

Finn, Blaine & Noah: # But it's all right #

Artie Abrams: # Take me by the tongue and I'll know you #
# Take me by the tongue #

Finn, Blaine & Noah: # But it's all right #

Artie Abrams: # Kiss me till you're drunk and I'll show you #
# Yeah-ah #
# All the ves like Jagger #
# I've got the moves like Jagger #
# I've got the Jumpin' Jack Flash #
# It's a gas, gas, gas #
# Oh, yeah #

Finn, Blaine & Noah: # But it's all right #

Artie Abrams: # I don't need to try to control you #
# Well, it's all right #
# Look into my eyes, and I'll own you #
# Oh, oh #
# With the moves like Jagger #
# I've got the moves like Jagger #
# I've got the moves #
# Like Jagger #
# Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas, gas, gas #

Will Schuester: Oh, guys. I like it. A lot. It's a... it's an inspired choice, but... you know, all that dancing, means a lot of sweat, and Emma hates dirty, so, uh... you know, I don't want to do anything to trigger her. It's definitely in the mix.

Mike Chang: I'm gonna go with you, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Artie Abrams: Wait, please.

Becky Jackson: Artie, that was awome!

Artie Abrams: Thanks, Becky. So you had fun?

Becky Jackson: It was a great Part One.

Artie Abrams: Part One? No, that was the date, the entire date. I mean, I-I invited you here so you could see me bring my sexy, which I think you'll agree I did.

Becky Jackson: Part Two is dinner at Breadstix.

Artie Abrams: Oh.

Finn Hudson: Rachel says you're supposed to spend two months' salary on the ring. Or was it two weeks? Honestly, I just zone out every time girls start talking about this stuff. So when's the wedding?

Will Schuester: She has to say yes first, right? And I have to work up the nerve to ask her. After my last marriage, I just don't want to fail again. Finn... I want you to be my best man.

Finn Hudson: Are you screwing with me right now?

Will Schuester: You've taught me more about being a man than anyone I've ever known. You stand up for your friends, you're not afraid to cry, and you'll make sure I don't do anything too stupid at my bachelor party. Is that a "Yes"?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Will Schuester: All right.

Finn Hudson: Wow.

Will Schuester: Oh, that one's nice.

Finn Hudson: Oh, yeah. Hey, do you mind if I talk to you about something, man-to-man?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Finn Hudson: I've been thinking about my future, too. So I met with a recruiter.

Will Schuester: I thought you said you were giving up on football.

Finn Hudson: For the Army. I just want to do something special, you know. Like my dad, but without the whole dying part. You know?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Finn Hudson: Hey, that one's really nice. It's medium-sized so it should be easy to clean. Ms. Pillsbury would really like that.

Will Schuester: Yes, she would.

Rachel Berry: Right this way, please.

Tina Cohen-Chang: In order for us to help you propose to Ms. Pillsbury, we're going to need some salient information first.

Will Schuester: Okay. Come on, ladies. It's not like this is the first time I've ever proposed.

Santana Lopez: Oh, yeah? How did that marriage work out for you? I mean, what was your big move then? A jumbotron that said "Hey, Terri, I Want To Make a Fake Baby With You"?

Mercedes Jones: Let's start from the beginning with you and Ms. P What'd you think the first time you met her?

Will Schuester: Hey, welcome to McKinley, Ms. Pillsbury.

Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.

Will Schuester: I'll never forget how I felt the first time I saw her.

Rachel Berry: I think we've got this one covered.

Rachel Berry: # The first time #
# Ever I saw your face #
# I thought the sun #
# Rose in your eyes #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # And the moon #
# And the stars #
# Were the gifts you gave #
# To the dark #

Mercedes, Rachel & Santana: # To the dark #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # And the end of skies #
# My love #

Santana Lopez: # And the first time #
# Ever I layed with you #
# I felt your heart #
# So close to mine #

Mercedes Jones: # And I knew our joy #
# Would fill the earth #
# And last #

Rachel, Santana & Tina: # And last #

Mercedes Jones: # Till the end of time #
# My love #

Rachel Berry: # And the first time #
# Ever I saw #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Your face #

Mercedes Jones: # Your face #

Santana Lopez: # Your face #

Rachel Berry: # Your face #

Tina Cohen-Chang: Hey, what's wrong?

Mercedes Jones: That song was so... It was so beautiful and moving. The first person I thought of wasn't Shane. It was Sam. I don't know. I thought it was in the past.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, I think you just need to take it slow, okay? And listen to your heart. Maybe the spark with Sam is still there.

Rose Pillsbury: It's the middle of January. Why is their Christmas tree still up?

Rusty Pillsbury: Just be grateful Comrade Obama still allows Christmas.

Will Schuester: Okay. Here's your tea.

Rose Pillsbury: Are you sure it decaf chamomile?

Will Schuester: Positive.

Rusty Pillsbury: I have to say, I'm a little confused.

Rose Pillsbury: Yes, where is our little freaky-deaky? Oh... No, that's not decaf.

Will Schuester: Listen, why don't I just cut right to the chase. Uh, I know you guys don't like me very much. But I want to marry your daughter. And I know it would mean a lot to her if I got your blessing.

Rusty Pillsbury: No.

Will Schuester: Excuse me?

Rusty Pillsbury: You asked for my permission. I'm saying "No."

Rose Pillsbury: Are you sure you've really thought this through? Our daughter has a very serious problem.

Rusty Pillsbury: Son, marriage is messy. And if there's one thing Emma can't handle, it's a mess.

Rose Pillsbury: And that's before babies. And the diapers and the sticky hands and the runny noses. I'm telling you, she will not know how to deal with it. Are you sure you want that for your kids?

Rusty Pillsbury: Forget kids. Is that what you want for yourself?

Finn Hudson: Hey, Artie, we wanted to talk to you about something.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We think you need a Becky-vention.

Quinn Fabray: You were spotted having dinner with her at Breadstix.

Artie Abrams: So?

Santana Lopez: So, it's a little weird.

Noah Puckerman: Seriously, dude, what's your angle?

Artie Abrams: I don't have an angle. She asked if I wanted to go to Breadstix, and I said, "Yes."

Artie Abrams: So, tell me about yourself. What sort of stuff do you like? What's your favorite movie?

Becky Jackson: Schindler's List.

Artie Abrams: Seriously?

Becky Jackson: Toy Story 3 is a close second.

Artie Abrams: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Becky Jackson: Five-foot-ten.

Artie Abrams: You know, Becky, I'm glad we're doing this. The more I get to know you, the more I like you. I have to say, you're actually sorta cool.

Becky Jackson: You should see my dance moves. My mom says I have "Get Down" Syndrome.

Rachel Berry: Look, we think it's great that you're being so, so nice to Becky. But we just...

Santana Lopez: I don't. I know that girl. That girl's a sly, conniving bitch.

Mercedes Jones: We just... We think you should be careful.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, you don't want to lead her on. I mean, she's gonna think that you want...

Artie Abrams: What is she going to think, that she's fun to be around, that I had a good time hanging out with her. You guys talk a good game how it's okay to be different, how it's what's on the inside that counts, but I think you're just as narrow-minded as the rest of this school. I liked spending time with Becky. She knows what it'like to be trapped by a disability. She doesn't care what people think about her. She's really optimistic about life, which is really amazing considering what life has handed her.

Burt Hummel: But they don't even have that on the keyboard.

Finn Hudson: Oh. Uh... hi.

Burt Hummel: Have a seat.

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Burt Hummel: Will, uh... told us about your plans for the future.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, which was supposed to be private.

Will Schuester: Look, I-I knew telling them might upset you, but I felt obligated to bring Burt and your mom into this discussion. This is a big decision.

Finn Hudson: Well, you know, I was... I was going to tell you guys about it sooner or later.

Burt Hummel: Look, Finn, you know what Want, okay? I wanna need somebody to take over the shop while I'm off in DC, and if I let your brother do it, he's gonna have all the grey small monkeys wearing white dinner jacket.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Yeah, he would... well I'm not in the scene tomorrow.

Burt Hummel: Okay, well I'm glad. Now, because I'm antimilitary or anything like that. I just don't get where you're coming from with this.

Finn Hudson: Well, my dad was a war hero. I have an obligation to him to... to be a good man. To make something of myself, ...to help people like he did.

Carole Hudson-Hummel: I knew it was about him.

Emma Pillsbury: You don't have to prove to anyone that your dads in you. You know, everybody already knows what kind of man you are.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, but how can really know until you get tested? And what better way than... than to walk in his footsteps?

Carole Hudson-Hummel: Your dad was a good man. He was brave and true, and... he had the same goofy sense of humor you do. But he didn't die in Iraq. He served over there, but something happened to him. I never found out what. Uh, I... he... I don't know if he... he did something or saw something just lost his way, but... but he broke.

Finn Hudson: He died a hero's death, right?

Carole Hudson-Hummel: He died in Cincinnati after being dishonorably discharged. Honey, he had a drug problem that he tried to get over when he came home— for... for you mostly but... but then he... he would just... disappear for a day or a week sometimes. One day, he just didn't come back. It was an overdose.

Finn Hudson: Oh, I feel sick.

Burt Hummel: It's a lot to hear. Just, uh, you know, take it slow.

Carole Hudson-Hummel: Oh, my God. I see everything that was good in him... I see it all in you.

Finn Hudson: Why did you lie to me? Why?

Carole Hudson-Hummel: Because your dad was so much more than the last few months of his life. That man he became was not your father. Honey, I was going to tell you when I thought you were ready.

Finn Hudson: Well, I'm not ready. I mean, how... how, how did you think I could ever be ready for something like that?

Becky Jackson: Here am I, becky Faye Jackson, about to seal the deal. Booya! At this year's Special Olympics Ball, I'll have a medal around my neck and some man candy on my arm. I absolutely rock.

Artie Abrams: Hey, Becky what's up?

Becky Jackson: Hey, hottie. My place. We're going to do it.

Artie Abrams: I'm sorry?

Becky Jackson: I just sent you a taste of what you're going to get on Friday night.

Artie Abrams: Oh my...

Sue Sylvester: She got a cute little shape.

Artie Abrams: Coach, you have to help me. I'm freaking out.

Sue Sylvester: Well, you dated Brittany. I'm sure she sent you titillating photos. That freak you out?

Artie Abrams: I guess not, but that was different.

Sue Sylvester: Well, did you go out to dinner with Becky?

Artie Abrams: Yeah. We had a great time.

Sue Sylvester: Do you want to go out with her again?

Artie Abrams: No.

Sue Sylvester: Well, here's a radical idea. Why don't you treat her like a real person and tell her? Becky just wanna be treated like everybody else. You of all people shloud know that. So why don't you tell her the truth, so she can move on and maybe date someone who doesn't sound like one of those weird puppets they bring around to the grade schools to teach kids about sexual predators? And for God's sake, can you maybe go one day without the driving gloves? It's a wheelchair, Artie, not a Porsche.

Artie Abrams: Are you finished?

Sue Sylvester: Stop buttoning your shirts up all the way like a demented 90-year-old. You look like you're auditioning for the lead in your nursing home's stage production of awakenings.

Artie Abrams: Thanks, Coach Hi.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Will Schuester: Hi.

Emma Pillsbury: Almost done.

Will Schuester: You started taking down the tree on New Year's Day.

Emma Pillsbury: Have a seat. I want to ask you something. Uh, not there. Could you... sit there, please? Thank you. Okay. You know how we're always talking about moving towards marriage, then nothing really ever happens? Well, mean, Sue said that I should be all liberated and ask you to marry me, but... Do you want to be with me? I mean, as your wife.

Will Schuester: Of course I do.

Emma Pillsbury: But?

Will Schuester: I love you, you know that. But what if we get married? What happens when we have a house, a baby? How are you going to handle spit up on your special wednesday sweater. Sweet heart, you can't control another person. What if it's all just too much?

Emma Pillsbury: I... I mean, I've been taking my medication. Some days great. Some days... some days not so great. I'm... I'm doing the best... I can... I'm doing everything that I can.

Will Schuester: I know... I know you are, I know you are, and it's not you fault that you have this...disease, sometimes, it just so hopeless.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Okay. Um. Can I promise you that I'm going to get better? You know. This is what you get, you know? This-this... this incomplete person. With... with toothbrushes and with rubber gloves and... and with so much love for you. But if that's not what you want, then...then you need to be honest with me. And with yourself. And the sooner, the better.

Finn Hudson: No wonder none of my dreams ever work out. 'Cause I got loser DNA.

Kurt Hummel: Well, if you're throwing a pity party, I want in. I have as much chance getting into NYADA as I do playing Stanley in Streetcar.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, the letters came out from NYADA today saying who are finalists, and I have been trolling the NYADA chat rooms, and people are already talking about getting those letters.

Finn Hudson: You didn't get one?

Rachel Berry: No, and I'm not going to, because Figgins put an addendum to my application talking about my suspension.

Kurt Hummel: Screw this. I'm getting a whole cheesecake. The future used to be such an abstract idea. Uh, and the dream was enough, you know? But now the future has the nerve to show up, and it's expecting us to do something, and it's not interested in giving a lending hand.

Rachel Berry: I'm actually kind of scared. I thought the world would care more.

Kurt Hummel: Make that two cheesecakes.

Finn Hudson: I actually thought we were all going to get out of here. You know? Why did she have to tell me that? And why can't I have something in my life that's... that's special, that means something?

Rachel Berry: # I can't win, I can't reign #
# I will never win this game #
# Without you #
# Without you #
# I am lost, I am vain #
# I will never be the same #
# Without you #
# Without you #
# I won't run, I won't fly #
# I will never make it by #
# Without you #
# Without you #
# I can't rest, I can't fight #
# All I need is you and I #
# Without you #
# Without you... #
# Whoa-oh-oh #
# You, you #
# You #
# Without you #
# I can't erase, so I'll take blame #
# But I can't accept that we're estranged #
# Without you #
# Without you #
# I won't soar, I won't climb #
# If you're not here I'm paralyzed #
# Without you #
# Without you #
# Whoa-oh-oh #
# You, you #
# You #
# Without you #
# I am lost, I am vain #
# I will never be the same #
# Without you #
# Without you #
# Without you. #

Will Schuester: Nice.

Santana Lopez: You know, I just wanted to say that I thought that you blew that song out of the water and totally nailed the assignment. Oh, no, wait, wait a second. Was— the assignment wasn't "Make everything about Rachel Berry and force everyone to watch," was it?

Will Schuester: Easy, Santana. It's fine. That was beautiful, Rachel.

Artie Abrams: So, Mr. Schue, what do you think? We've given you a whole bevy of songs to choose from, from upbeat and awesome to a little overwrought for my taste.

Will Schuester: They've all been incredible, you guys. I think I just need a little more time to really consider my choices.

Sam Evans: Mr. Schue? Um, I probably should've said this the other day in Glee Club, but you know that whole proposal thing? How you want it to be big and special and worthy of Ms. Pillsbury?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Sam Evans: I have an idea.

Will Schuester: Do you have a second?

Rachel Berry: # Yellow diamonds in the light #
# Now we're standing side by side #
# As your shadow crosses mine #
# What it takes to come alive #
# It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny #

Will Schuester: This is all for you.

Rachel Berry: # But I've gotta let it go #

Santana & Rachel: # We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #

Santana Lopez: # Shine a light through an open door #
# Love and life I will divide #
# Turn away cause I need you more #
# Feel the heartbeat in my mind #

Rachel Berry: # It's the way I'm feeling, I just can't deny #
# But I've gotta let it go #

Santana & Rachel: # We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #

Rachel Berry: # Yellow diamonds in the light... #

Santana Lopez: # in the light #

Rachel Berry: # Now we're standg side by side #

Santana Lopez: # Oh #

Rachel Berry: # As your shadow crosses mine #

Santana Lopez: # We found love #

Rachel Berry: # We found love in hopeless place #
# We found love in hopeless place #
# We found love in hopeless place #
# We found love in hopeless place #
# We found love #

Santana & Rachel: # We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love in a hopeless place #
# We found love #
# We found love in a hopeless place. #

Will Schuester: Emma... ...you are the one. You always have been. The truth is, I feel like I've had to stop myself from doing this from the second I first saw you. The first time I held this hand, it felt like I'd held it a million times before. Like somehow, it's always been here. Life is messy. It just is. And I... I know that's hard for you, but that's why you have me— to balance things out. But you have to realize, you do that for me, too. Every day. Loving you and being loved by you makes everything better. I love you with everything I am and everything I ever hope to be. So...

Emma Pillsbury: Oh...

Will Schuester: Emma Pillsbury... Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

Emma Pillsbury: I love you so much.

Will Schuester: Is that a yes?

Emma Pillsbury: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Artie Abrams: Hi, Becky. About Friday night...

Becky Jackson: Are you excited?

Artie Abrams: Look... I haven't been clear with you. I really like being your friend, but I don't think we should date.

Becky Jackson: Is it because I'm too intimidating?

Artie Abrams: Yeah.

Becky Jackson: I get it. See you later. I didn't ask him what I wanted to ask him. I didn't ask if the reason he didn't want to be my boyfriend was because I have Down's. I didn't ask him because I know the answer is yes. Some days, it sucks being me. This is one of those days. Focus, Becky. Don't let them see you cry.

Sue Sylvester: Becky, you'll come to learn there's nothing quite like a good sob.

Becky Jackson: It hurts, Coach. I liked him.

Sue Sylvester: I know. I know. Well, you'll be happy to know you and I are in the same boat. We both got dumped. Tell you what I'm gonna do. Gonna get some ice cream. Couple spoons. We're gonna turn our chairs towards the television, and we're gonna watch some Lifetime television for ovaries and wait for Beaches to come on. You know what the third thing is?

Becky Jackson: What?

Sue Sylvester: You're gonna take my hand... because you and I are going to get through this together.

Becky Jackson: Okay.

Rachel Berry: You have his eyes. His mouth a little bit, too.

Finn Hudson: I've always had trouble finding myself in his face. You know, I... when I was kid, I used to stare up at the wall, his picture hanging there, and I used to convince myself we were, like, twins.

Rachel Berry: Is that why you asked me to meet you here? To talk about your dad?

Finn Hudson: No, no. I, uh, I want to talk about you. About us. I was gonna lay out a picnic, like the one you had for our first date, but I couldn't really figure out where you got those cool airplane cups, so...

Rachel Berry: And I told you you could kiss me if you wanted to. I never understood why you ran off so quickly.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I was just nervous.

Rachel Berry: Oh, I could never make you nervous.

Finn Hudson: Kind of nervous right now.

Rachel Berry: Wait, what's going on?

Finn Hudson: Look, uh, I have something to talk to you about, but I want you to promise me that you won't say a word until I'm done. Okay, and I know that's sort of hard for you, so I need you to promise me.

Rachel Berry: Okay, I promise.

Finn Hudson: Um, I just feel like, all my life, I've been, you know, wondering if I was gonna be as much of a man as my father was. Now, all of a sudden, I'm up at night worried that I'm gonna become the man who he was. Let's face it, I got, I got "High school hero, life zero" written all over me. Except for one thing: you. You're like a beacon of light guiding me through the darkness. You're like this big gold star, and for some bizarre reason, you chose to let me love you. And... I feel like if I can just convince you to let me keep doing that, I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. I opened up my first c-credit card to get this. I know it's not a swimming pool full of dancers or a tux or— it's not very big, but it's a promise— promise to keep loving you for the rest of my life. All you've got to do is say yes. Rachel Berry... will you marry me?

Santana Lopez: Admit it, Wonder twins, the only reason why the New Directions beat the Trouble Tones at Sectionals is because that pervy clown judge was freakin' high as a kite.

Kurt Hummel: And we did Michael Jackson; you guys didn't. But that was, like, weeks ago... why are you still obsessing?

Mercedes Jones: One word, Kurt: Michael.

Blaine Anderson: You guys, fear not... the world tour of the Cirque du Soleil tribute show, Immortal, to Michael Jackson, is coming to Columbus in June. We should all go.

Mercedes Jones: You don't get it. I don't want tosee the spectacle that is Michael, I want to be the spectacle.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. Everything okay?

Mercedes Jones: Look, we love being back in New Directions, but we hate that we missed our one chance this year to do Michael.

Will Schuester: Yeah, I get it. You know, I been thinking a lot about Regionals, and maybe we can do Michael again.

Blaine Anderson: Well, I, for one, know exactly what song we should start Michael Week with.
# I said you wanna be startin' somethin', you got #
# To be startin' somethin' #
# I said you wanna be startin' somethin' #
# You got to be startin' somethin' #
# It's too high to get over #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # You're too low to get under #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # You're stuck in the middle #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # And the pain is thunder #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # I took my baby to the doctor #
# With a fever, but nothin' he found #
# By the time this hits the street #
# They said she had a breakdown #
# Someone's always tryin' #
# To start my baby cryin' #
# Talkin', squealin', lyin' #
# Sayin' you just wanna be startin' somethin' #
# I said you wanna be startin' somethin' #
# But you got to be startin' somethin' #
# I said you wanna be startin' somethin' #
# But you got to be startin' somethin' #
# Too high to get over #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # You're too low to get under #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # You're stuck in the middle #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # And the pain is thunder #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # Too high to get over #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # You're too low to get under #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # You're stuck in the middle #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # And the pain is thunder #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah #

Blaine Anderson: # You're a vegetable #

New Directions: # You're a vegetable #

Blaine Anderson: # You're a vegetable #

New Directions: # You're a vegetable #

Blaine Anderson: # They eat off of you #

New Directions: # They eat off of you #

Blaine Anderson: # You're a vegetable, ow! #
# Lift your head up high #
# And scream out to the world #
# I know I am someone #
# And let the truth unfurl, no one can #
# Hurt you now, because you know it's true #
# Yes, I believe in me #
# So you believe in you, help me sing it #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Whoo-hoo! #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Hee, hee, hee! #
# Hee, hee, hee! #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #
# Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #
# Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Help me sing it, baby #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Hee, hee, hee! #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Yeah! #
# Sing it to the world #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #
# Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Sing it out loud, whoo-hoo! #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #
# Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa...#

Blaine Anderson: # Help me sing it #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Whoo-hoo! #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Hee, hee, hee! #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Help me sing it #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #

Blaine Anderson: # Whoo-hoo! #

New Directions: # Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #
# Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa #
# Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa.#

Finn Hudson: Okay, it's been exactly three days to the minute since I proposed to you, which is the amount of time you said you needed before you'd give me an answer.

Rachel Berry: Look, this isn't the kind of decision you can make on a deadline.

Finn Hudson: Look, I understand, you said you needed some time, but... not hearing a decision's kind of bumming me out.

Rachel Berry: No. Look... I love you, okay? And... I want to marry you someday, and... I, really, I'm open to anything. This is all just happening so fast, and I don't understand it. I mean, I... I need you to help me understand.

Finn Hudson: Okay, well, even if you don't get into NYADA, you're still gonna go to New York.

Rachel Berry: Yes, and I want you to come with me.

Finn Hudson: And I will, but... we're crazy if we think that it's gonna be easier to be a couple there than it is here. My point is that those rings are-are... will always be a reminder of exactly how we feel right now. They're gonna let us world into the big city.

Rachel Berry: Look, that's really romantic, but I have to be honest... really crazy to me, okay? I don't need to marry you you're the only guy for me. Okay, I guess... my answer for now is...

Finn Hudson: No, no, don't... don't say anything. You're right, we shouldn't decision on a deadline. Just, uh... take a couple more days, okay?

Rachel Berry: Okay.

Blaine Anderson: Okay, favorite Michael Jackson memory. Go.

Artie Abrams: When I was one, my mom of his Motown special, and when he did the moonwalk across the stage for the first time in history, I uttered my first words: "Hot damn."

Kurt Hummel: I owe the King of Pop a deep debt of gratitude. He was the first one to pull off the sequined military jacket, long before one Kurt Hummel made it iconic.

Rachel Berry: I have to be honest... I never really got him.

Artie Abrams: And we are no longer on speaking terms.

Rachel Berry: No, I think he's an amazing performer, but I've never really just got what he was about.

Kurt Hummel: Rachel, he was best friends with Liza Minnelli and Liz Taylor.

Rachel Berry: No, all I'm saying is that I-I just... I haven't connected with him the way that I have with the likes of Barbra or either of the Stephens. Sondheim. Schwartz.

Santana Lopez: I'd throw this mocha in your face, but it's not nearly scalding enough.

Rachel Berry: Okay, but just, since you guys are so jazzed about him, I think it's a good idea.

Sebastian Smythe: Well, that might not be the best idea. Hey, Blaine. Hello, everyone else.

Kurt Hummel: Does he live here or something? Seriously, you are always here.

Artie Abrams: Why don't you think that's a good idea?

Sebastian Smythe: Because we're doing MJ for Regionals. You see, Warblers drew first position, so as soon as I heard what your plan was, list accordingly.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, how... how did you hear?

Sebastian Smythe: Uh, Blaine told me this morning. I just called for a tip on how to get red wine out of my blazer piping, and he would not stop going on about it.

Blaine Anderson: I may have mentioned it.

Kurt Hummel: How often do you talk?

Sebastian Smythe: Oh, my God, hey, Kurt. I didn't recognize you. You are wearing boy clothes for once.

Santana Lopez: All right, twink, I think it's time that I show you a little Lima Heights hospitality.

Sebastian Smythe: Unless you want to join your relatives in prison, that's probably not the best idea. You see, my dad is call a state's attorney. But if you had a piñata you wanted delivered, I bet he could make sure that got to them. All right, so here's what you guys should know. I am captain of the Warblers now, and I'm tired of playing nice.

Tina Cohen-Chang: There has to be some kind of show choir competition committee we can complain to.

Blaine Anderson: I know it sucks, the end of the world. Heck, you had your set of the competitiony at Sectionals, and you pulled that one off, right?

Artie Abrams: Well, they can have our Journey and our Dreamgirls, but pilfering my Michael, mm-mm, that's another level, not okay.

Noah Puckerman: I'm not exactly comfortable with Blaine in the room. Clearly, once a Warbler, always a Warbler.

Blaine Anderson: Uh, wh-what?

Noah Puckerman: Dude, you told them what we were gonna do. You're like a modern-day Eggs Benedict. He's on notice as far as I'm concerned.

Finn Hudson: We should all be on notice. I mean, next to Vocal Adrenaline, the Warblers are the best Glee Club in the state, and for a lot of us, this is our last shot at a championship, so we should stop complaining about the Warblers and figure out how to beat them.

Will Schuester: I couldn't have said it better myself, Finn. I'm less worried about our set list right now and more interested in getting us in the right mindset to crush those guys. Which is why our lesson for the week is... What Would Michael Jackson Do?

Finn Hudson: He'd fight back. He'd say Regionals is ours, MJ is ours, and if they want it, they can pry it from our sequin-gloved hand.

Artie Abrams: Mm-hmm. Straight up. In 1983, MTV said they wouldn't air his "Billie Jean" video. What'd he do? He fought back. They aired it, and the Thriller album sold an additional ten million copies.

Will Schuester: That's right.

Blaine Anderson: I know what Michael would do. I think he would take it to the streets.

Sebastian Smythe: Well... we're here.

Blaine Anderson: We got something to settle. Both of us want to use MJ, but only one can.

Santana Lopez: We're having A Jackson-off, Nick at Nite. Winner gets the King of Pop for Regionals.

Sebastian Smythe: What, us against... the two of you? You really think you're that bad? Is that what they teach you at that little public school of yours?

Blaine Anderson: It's time to see who's bad.

The Warblers: # Ba, ba, ba, ba #
# Dow, dow, dow, dow-dow #
# Dow, dow, dow, dow-dow #
# Dow, dow, dow, dow-dow #
# Dow, dow, dow... #

Artie Abrams: # Your butt is mine #
# Gonna take you right #
# Just show your face #
# In broad daylight #
# I'm telling you #
# On how I feel #
# Gonna hurt your mind #
# Don't shoot to kill #
# Come on #
# Come on, lay it on me #
# All right #

The Warblers: # Dow, dow, dow, dow-dow #
# Dow, dow, dow, dow-dow #

Artie Abrams: # Your lyin' eyes #
# Gonna take you right #
# So listen up #
# Don't make a fight #
# Your talk is cheap #
# You're not a man #
# You're throwing stones #
# To hide your hands #

Blaine Anderson: # Well, they say the sky's the limit #
# And to me that's really true #
# But, my friends, you have seen nothing #
# Just wait till I get through #

Santana Lopez: # Because I'm bad #
# Bad, bad #
# I'm bad #

The Warblers & New Directions: # Really, really bad #
# Come on #
# You know I'm bad, I'm bad #

The Warblers & New Directions: # Bad, bad #
# Really, really bad #

Santana Lopez: # You know it #
# You know I'm bad #

The Warblers & New Directions: # Bad, bad #
# Really, really bad #

Santana Lopez: # Come on, you know #
# And the whole world has to answer right now #
# Just to tell you once again, who's bad! #

The Warblers: # Dow, dow, dow, dow-dow #
# Dow, dow, dow #
# Dow-dow, dow, dow, dow... #

Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh #
# Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh... #

Blaine Anderson: # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... #

Santana Lopez: # Oh... #
# Oh... #
# Yeah! #
# 'Cause I'm bad, I'm bad #

The Warblers & New Directions: # Bad, really, really bad #

Santana Lopez: # Come on #
# You know I'm bad, I'm bad #

The Warblers & New Directions: # Bad, bad #
# Really, really bad #

Santana Lopez: # You know it, you know #

The Warblers & New Directions: # And the whole world has to answer right now #
# Just to tell you once again #

Santana Lopez: # You know I'm bad, I'm bad #

The Warblers & New Directions: # Bad, bad #

Santana Lopez: # You know it #

The Warblers & New Directions: # Really, really bad #

Santana Lopez: # And the whole world has to answer right now #
# Just to tell you once again, who's bad! #

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh, my God!

Rachel Berry: How is he? Is he okay?

Kurt Hummel: Uh, it's his right eye. Uh, the doctor says that his cornea is deeply scratched and he has to have surgery.

Will Schuester: In all my years as a teacher and a student, I have never known a slushee to do that kind of damage.

Finn Hudson: That's 'cause it wasn't a normal slushee, Mr. Schue. There was... stuff in it, rocks or something. He wanted to do that damage.

Will Schuester: Well, unless you have proof that he tampered with the slushee the police aren't interested in getting involved.

Kurt Hummel: Sebastian is evil. He needs to be expelled.

Will Schuester: Look, Figgins and I spoke to Dalton's headmaster. They're opening up an investigation. So, guys, I'm telling you, please let the system handle this one.

Artie Abrams: No. Dalton's old-school, Mr. Schue... they're not gonna turn their backs on one of their own... we need payback.

Mike Chang: An eye for an eye.

Will Schuester: No. I have a zero-tolerance policy for violence, of any kind. That's not how we do things.

Artie Abrams: No, we sing, and that's all we ever do.

Will Schuester: Do you want to get disqualified from Regionals?

Artie Abrams: I don't give a damn about Regionals. What do you expect from us? We're people. I know the rest of the world may not see us like that, but when they tease us and throw stuff at us and toss us in Dumpsters and tell us that we're nothing but losers with stupid dreams, it freaking hurts. And we're supposed to turn the other cheek and be the bigger man by telling ourselves that those dreams and how hard we work make us better than them, but it gets pretty damn hard to feel that way when they always get to win.

Will Schuester: I get how upsetting this is for you.

Artie Abrams: No, you don't, and don't give me any of that "it gets better" crap because I'm not interested in it getting any better. I want it to be better, like, right now. I want to hurt them the way they hurt us. No, worse. I want them to feel my pain because frankly that's all I have left to give.

Will Schuester: Artie, take a break. We'll be here when you get back.

Artie Abrams: Who's with me?
# Hee #
# Hee #
# I'm tired of injustice #
# I'm tired of the schemes #
# It's kind of disgusting #
# So what does it mean, Daddy? #
# You're kickin' me down, I got to get up #
# As jacked as it sounds, the whole system sucks, Daddy #
# Hoo-hoo#

Mike Chang: # I peek in the shadow #

Artie Abrams: # Hoo-hoo #

Mike Chang: # I come into the light #

Artie Abrams: # Hoo-hoo #

Mike Chang: # But you tell me I'm wrong #

Artie Abrams: # Hee-hee #

Mike Chang: # Then you better prove you're right #
# You're sellin' out souls, but... I care about mine #
# I've got to get stronger and I won't give up the fight #

Artie Abrams: # With such confusion don't it make you wanna scream? #

Mike Chang: # Make you wanna scream #

Artie Abrams: # Your bash abusin' victimizin' with the scheme #

Mike Chang: # You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize #

Mike & Artie: # Somebody please have mercy #
# 'Cause I just can't take it #
# Stop pressurin' me, just stop pressurin' me #
# Just stop pressurin' me #

Mike Chang: # Make me wanna scream #

Mike & Artie: # Just stop pressurin' me, just stop pressurin' me #
# Just stop pressurin' me #

Mike Chang: # You make me wanna scream #
# Oh, my God, can't believe what I saw as I turned on the TV #
# This evening #
# I was disgusted by all the injustice #
# All the injustice #
# Yeah, yeah #

Artie Abrams: # Baby #

Mike Chang: # Whoo #

Mike & Artie: # Stop pressurin' me #
# Stop your pressure #
# Just stop pressurin' me #
# Stop your pressure #
# Just stop pressurin' me #
# You know you really make me wanna #
# You make me wanna scream #
# Just stop pressurin' me #

Artie Abrams: # Hee-hee #

Mike & Artie: # Just stop pressurin' me #
# Stop your pressure #

Artie Abrams: # Yeah, yeah #

Mike Chang: # You make me wanna scream #

Artie Abrams: # Baby #

Mike & Artie: # Stop pressurin' me #

Artie Abrams: # Got to do it #

Mike & Artie: # Just stop pressurin' me #

Artie Abrams: # Stop your pressure #

Mike & Artie: # Just stop pressurin' me #
# You make me wanna scream. #

Will Schuester: Artie? Artie.

Artie Abrams: I think I better roll away.

Rachel Berry: Hey. Look, I need your advice, all right, about, about an adult problem.

Quinn Fabray: Holy crap, are you pregnant?

Rachel Berry: No. Look, I'm, I'm coming to you as a friend and, oddly, because I also think that you're the only person that'll give me just a, a straightforward and a thoughtful answer about this.

Quinn Fabray: You're right, I'm sorry. Yes, I can keep a secret.

Rachel Berry: Okay... well, um... Finn asked me to marry him.

Quinn Fabray: What did you say?

Rachel Berry: I said I-I needed to think about it.

Quinn Fabray: Well, you can't.

Rachel Berry: Why? I mean, plenty of people get married at our age, and, I mean, I know that he and I haven't lived together or anything, but, you know, I love him and he's the one, I know it. What's this?

Quinn Fabray: My ticket out of here. I got into Yale, early admissions. Turns out my essay about overcoming adversity while maintaining a straight-A average during a teen pregnancy really turned on the admissions boards.

Rachel Berry: Quinn, that's amazing. That's so great. That's great.

Quinn Fabray: I'm sure you'll get your NYADA one soon.

Rachel Berry: Oh, yeah, I mean, New York mail is notoriously slow, so it's...

Quinn Fabray: My point being is that I've dated Finn, Puck, Sam. Even thought I loved some of them, but by the time the snow falls in New Haven next winter, I won't know why.

Rachel Berry: So are, are you saying that Finn and I should break up?

Quinn Fabray: I'm all for making the most of the next few months, but I'd hate the idea o-of dragging an anchor from my past into the bright lights of my future. Rachel, you have an amazing life ahead of you. As hard as it may be, if you want everything that you've ever dreamed of, you're going to have to break up with him.

Rachel Berry: That's an awful thing to say.

Quinn Fabray: Look, you wanted straight and thoughtful. I guess at one point it made sense to love somebody for your whole life, but it doesn't anymore. Women are finding themselves in their 30s now. Every magazine says it. We hardly know what we're going to want in 15 years.

Rachel Berry: I mean, Finn and I... we can grow together.

Quinn Fabray: Look, Rachel... you and Finn are a lovely couple. But if you really want to be happy, you're going to have to say good-bye.

Girls of ND: # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh #

Quinn Fabray: # Never can say good-bye #

Girls of ND: # Say good-bye #

Quinn Fabray: # No, no, no, no, now #
# Never can say good-bye #

Girls of ND: # Say good-bye #

Quinn Fabray: # Even though the pain and heartache #
# Seems to follow me wherever I go #
# Though I try and try to hide my feelings #
# They always seem to show #
# Then you try to say you're leaving me #
# And I always have to say no #
# Tell me why #

Girls of ND: # Tell me why #

Quinn Fabray: # Is it so? #

Girls of ND: # Is it so? #

Quinn Fabray: # Don't wanna let you go #
# I never can say good-bye, boy #

Girls of ND: # Never can say good-bye, boy #

Quinn Fabray: # Ooh, baby #

Girls of ND: # Don't wanna let you go, boy #

Quinn Fabray: # I never can say good-bye #
# No, no, no, no, no, no #

Girls of ND: # No, no, no #

Quinn Fabray: # Ooh #
# Oh, I never can say good-bye, boy #

Girls of ND: # Never can say good-bye, boy #

Quinn Fabray: # Ooh, baby #

Girls of ND: # Don't wanna let you go, boy #

Quinn Fabray: # I never can say good-bye #
# No, no, no, no, no, no #

Girls of ND: # No, no, no #

Quinn Fabray: # Ooh #
# Never can say good-bye #

Girls of ND: # Say good-bye, boy #

Quinn Fabray: # I keep thinkin' that our problems #
# Soon are all gonna work out #
# But there's that same unhappy feeling #
# And there's that anguish, there's that doubt #
# It's the same old dizzy hang-up #
# Can't do with you or without #
# Tell me why #

Girls of ND: # Tell me why #

Quinn Fabray: # Is it so? #

Girls of ND: # Is it so? #

Quinn Fabray: # Don't wanna let you go #
# I never can say good-bye, boy #

Girls of ND: # Never can say good-bye, boy #

Quinn Fabray: # Ooh, baby #
# I never can say good-bye #
# No, no, no, no, no, no #

Girls of ND: # No, no, no #

Quinn Fabray: # Ooh #
# Oh, I never can say good-bye, boy #

Girls of ND: # Never can say good-bye, boy #

Quinn Fabray: # Ooh, baby #
# I never can say good-bye #
# No, no, no, no, no, no #

Girls of ND: # No, no, no #

Quinn Fabray: # Never, never, never, never, never, never, never #
# I never can say good-bye, boy #
# I got to have ya #
# I never can say good-bye to you #
# Oh... yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

Finn Hudson: Wow, Quinn, that was incredible.

Will Schuester: Even more incredible is her big news. Tell them.

Quinn Fabray: I got into Yale.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yale.

Will Schuester: Whoo! It's just... it-it's amazing. After everything you've been through, you really deserve this, Quinn.

Mercedes Jones: We are so proud of you, Quinn.

Quinn Fabray: I want to thank you guys... because without each and every one of you, this would have never happened. You supported me and loved me through all the drama, and that's why I'm standing here. I wasted so much time hating myself for the stupid mistakes that I made, but the truth is, is that without all of those, I never would have dreamed this to be my future. I was the only one standing in the way of myself. You can't change your past... but you can let go and start your future.

Will Schuester: Yale, yeah.

Santana Lopez: Hey, what are you doing?

Kurt Hummel: Trying to keep the flames from shooting out of the side of my face.

Santana Lopez: Well, that outfit isn't helping.

Kurt Hummel: I agree with Artie. I'm tired of being stepped on all the time. I take a lot of crap from a lot of people, but I refuse to take it from Sebastian the Criminal Chipmunk, so I've been sitting here for the last hour, making a list of ways to get back at him.

Santana Lopez: Well, today is your lucky day, because Auntie Snixx just arrived on the Bitchtown Express. Now, my suggestion is that we drag him bound and gagged to a tattoo parlor for a tramp stamp that reads "Tips Appreciated" or "Congratulations, You're My 1,000th Customer!"

Kurt Hummel: After what he did to Blaine, I really wanted to hurt him. But I can't. I've fought against violence at this school for too long. I, I have to take the high road.

Santana Lopez: You know what, Prancy Smurf? I respect that. You're probably right. I want to go to a college that isn't a FEMA trailer in a prison yard, so let's take the high road. We're not going to beat Sebastian by playing dirty... but we are going to beat him.

Sam Evans: You know why I like this week's assignment so much? Hands down, without a doubt, one of my favorite singers of all time is Michael Jackson.

Mercedes Jones: Listen, if I have to hawk my weave on eBay, I'm going to see the Immortal tour when it comes to Ohio.

Sam Evans: Speaking of immortal... Since we're gonna be seeing your name up in lights for the rest of our lives, I thought we might as well start today.

Mercedes Jones: Sam Evans, you are crazy.

Sam Evans: Crazy about you. You know, we've never sang a duet together. I thought we could do "Human Nature." Would you sing with me? After that you can go back to Shane; I won't stop you.

Mercedes Jones: Sam, I can't. Let's... Let's talk later.
# Looking out #
# Across the nighttime #
# The city winks a sleepless eye #
# Hear his voice #
# Shake my window #
# Sweet seducing sighs #

Sam Evans: # Get me out #
# Into the nighttime #
# Four walls won't hold me tonight #
# If this town #
# Is just an apple #
# Then let me take a bite #

Mercedes & Sam: # If they say why, why? #
# Tell 'em that it's human nature #
# Why, why #

Mercedes Jones: # Does he do me that way? #
# If they say #

Mercedes & Sam: # Why, why? #
# Just tell 'em that it's human nature #
# Why, why? #

Mercedes Jones: # Does he do me that way #

Sam Evans: # Reaching out #
# To touch a stranger #

Mercedes & Sam: # Electric eyes are everywhere #

Mercedes Jones: # Ooh #

Sam Evans: # See that girl #
# She knows I'm watching #
# She likes the way I stare #

Mercedes Jones: # If they say #

Sam Evans: # Why? #

Mercedes Jones: # Why, why, why, why? #

Mercedes & Sam: # Tell 'em that it's human nature #
# Why, oh, why #
# Does he do me that way? #

Mercedes Jones: # If they say #

Sam Evans: # Why? #

Mercedes Jones: # Why, do-be-doop, why? #

Sam Evans: # Why? #

Mercedes & Sam: # Tell 'em that it's human nature #
# Why, why #
# Does he do me that way? #

Mercedes Jones: # I like livin' this way #

Sam Evans: # I like lovin' this way #

Mercedes Jones: # Oh, why, oh, why? #
# Oh, why, oh, why? #

Mercedes & Sam: # Why, why? #
# Tell 'em that it's human nature #
# Why? #

Will Schuester: So...

Burt Hummel: Will?

Will Schuester: Kurt? Your dad wants to talk to you.

Kurt Hummel: What's wrong? Is Blaine okay?

Burt Hummel: He's fine. The mail came.

Kurt Hummel: NYADA.

Burt Hummel: Dude, come on. This is like the fifth room we've been to. What's wrong with the library or the lunchroom?

Kurt Hummel: None of those felt right. This is it, Dad. This is one of those crossroad moments in life. I mean, whatever's in this envelope is going to determine whether I go right or left.

Burt Hummel: I'm here, no matter what it says. Okay?

Kurt Hummel: "Dear Mr. Hummel..."

Burt Hummel: What? What?

Kurt Hummel: I'm a finalist. Oh, Dad, Dad, your heart.

Burt Hummel: Oh, screw my heart! You did it! You did it, Kurt! Oh, man, oh! Who's gonna tell Blaine? You got to let me do it.

Kurt Hummel: Dad, are you crying?

Burt Hummel: You beat them all. They threw everything at you. They tried to beat you down. But you know what? You're unstoppable, Kurt. I am so proud to be your dad. They can never take this away from you. Right now, in this moment, on this day, you won. Oh, way to go, dude.

Kurt Hummel: Rachel! Rachel! I got it; I got my NYADA letter. I got in the finals.

Rachel Berry: You did?

Kurt Hummel: I'm a finalist.

Rachel Berry: You did? That's so great.

Kurt Hummel: Wh-What did yours say?

Rachel Berry: I didn't get one.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. That just means they haven't sent it yet.

Rachel Berry: I didn't even make it to the finals. I knew it, I... I had this weird feeling in my stomach all week long.

Kurt Hummel: Rachel, don't be stupid.

Rachel Berry: "Stupid"? Stupid is watching all of your friends make plans for their future and realizing that you have none at all. No plans, no college, nowhere to go. All I have here is my boyfriend, and... And I have no idea what I'm doing.

Kurt Hummel: Come here. It's all right.

Kurt Hummel: "Miss Jolie said that after a dramatic directorial debut, "she expects her second feature to have far more honey than blood." Hey.

Blaine Anderson: Hey. Hey, guys.

Rachel Berry: We brought you, um, chicken noodle soup. I know it's not used to typically help eye injuries, but we figured it couldn't hurt.

Finn Hudson: And I brought you a couple of eye-patch-featuring flicks from my collection. I got, uh, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Valkyrie, and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

Blaine Anderson: Aw, thank you guys. It's so amazing; It really means a lot to me that you'd come by to check up on me. However, I cannot let a single moment pass without first... raising a zero-calorie toast to one Mr. Kurt Hummel, aka... NYADA finalist. Yay. Cheers.

Finn Hudson: So, Blaine, uh, when's the surgery?

Blaine Anderson: This week. Honestly, I'm terrified.

Finn Hudson: Don't sweat it, dude. You'll heal up good as new.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, and there are tons of legendary performers who've only had one eye: Sammy Davis, Jr., Columbo.

Finn Hudson: And Stevie Wonder, he did pretty good with no eyes at all.

Blaine Anderson: You guys, I'm really upset that I'm missing Michael Week. It just totally sucks.

Finn Hudson: Well, that's why we figured we'd bring a little bit of Michael to you.

Rachel Berry: Yup. Okay.

Kurt Hummel: # Ben, the two of us #
# Need look no more #
# We both found what we were looking for #
# With a friend to call my own #
# I'll never be alone #
# And you, my friend will see #
# You've got a friend in me #

Finn & Rachel: # You've got a friend in me #

Rachel Berry: # Ben, you're always running here and there #

Finn & Kurt: # Here and there #

Rachel Berry: # You feel you're not wanted anywhere #

Finn & Kurt: # Anywhere #

Rachel Berry: # If you ever #
# Look behind and don't like #
# What you find #
# There's something you should know #
# You've got a place to go #

Finn & Kurt: # You've got a place to go #

Finn Hudson: # Ben, most people would turn you away #

Kurt & Rachel: # Turn you away #

Finn Hudson: # I don't listen to a word they say #

Kurt & Rachel: # A word they say #

Finn Hudson: # They don't see you #
# As I do #
# I wish they would try to #
# I'm sure they'd think again #
# If they had a friend like Ben #

Finn & Rachel: # A friend #

Kurt Hummel: # Like Ben #

Santana Lopez: Hey, Andrew McCarthy. Don't know if you heard, but Blaine may lose an eye. The same Blaine who was just besties with most of you not four months ago.

Trent Nixon: Wait, are you serious? Is he gonna be okay?

Santana Lopez: Well, sure, if he doesn't care about seeing in three dimensions.

Sebastian Smythe: Trent, I got this. Bummer about Blaine, he was pretty. He shouldn't have gotten in the way, though. That slushee was meant for Kurt.

Santana Lopez: You may look like the villain out of a cheesy '80s high school movie, but you should know that I am fully prepared to go all Danny La Russo on your ass. Admit you put something in that slushee. What was it, huh? Glass? Asphalt?

Sebastian Smythe: Red dye number six.

Santana Lopez: You're a liar.

Sebastian Smythe: She questioned my honor. I demand satisfaction in Warbler tradition.

Santana Lopez: You want to have a duel? Cello guys, can you hang back for a second? I'm gonna need you for this one.

Sebastian Smythe: Everyone else clear out. I don't want you to see me make a girl cry.

Santana Lopez: Let's just keep this on point.

Sebastian Smythe: # As he came in through the window, it was the sound #
# Of a crescendo #
# He came into her apartment #
# He left bloodstains on the carpet #
# She ran underneath the table #
# He could see she was unable #
# So she ran into the bedroom #
# She was struck down, it was her doom #
# Annie, are you okay? #
# So, Annie, are you okay? #

Santana Lopez: # Are you okay, Annie? #

Sebastian Smythe: # Annie, are you okay? #

Santana Lopez: # So, Annie, are you okay? #

Sebastian Smythe: # Are you okay, Annie? #

Santana Lopez: # Annie, are you okay? #

Sebastian Smythe: # So, Annie, are you okay? #

Santana Lopez: # Are you okay, Annie? #

Sebastian Smythe: # Annie, are you okay? #

Santana Lopez: # So, Annie, are you okay? #

Sebastian & Santana: # Are you okay, Annie? #
# Annie, are you okay? Would you tell us #
# That you're okay? #
# There's a sign in the window, that he struck you #
# A crescendo, Annie #
# He came into your apartment #
# He left the bloodstains on the carpet #
# And then you ran into the bedroom, you were struck down #
# It was your doom #

Sebastian Smythe: # Annie, are you okay? #

Santana Lopez: # So, Annie, are you okay? #

Sebastian Smythe: # Are you okay, Annie? #

Santana Lopez: # Annie, are you okay? #

Sebastian Smythe: # So, Annie, are you okay? #

Santana Lopez: # Are you okay, Annie? #

Sebastian & Santana: # Annie, are you okay? #
# Are you okay, Annie? #

Sebastian Smythe: # You've been hit by #

Santana Lopez: # You've been struck by #

Sebastian & Santana: # A smooth criminal #

Santana Lopez: # I don't know #

Sebastian Smythe: # Annie, are you okay? #
# Would you tell us that you're okay? #
# There's a sign in the window #

Santana Lopez: # I don't know #

Sebastian Smythe: # That he struck you, a crescendo, Annie #
# He came into your apartment #

Santana Lopez: # I don't know #

Sebastian Smythe: # Left the bloodstains on the carpet #

Santana Lopez: # I don't know why, baby #

Sebastian Smythe: # Then you ran into the bedroom, you were struck down, it was your doom, Annie #

Santana Lopez: # Dad gone it, baby #

Sebastian Smythe: # Annie, are you okay? #
# Would you tell us that you're okay? #

Santana Lopez: # Dad gone it, baby #

Sebastian Smythe: # There's a sign in the window #

Santana Lopez: # Dad gone it, baby #

Sebastian Smythe: # That he struck you, a crescendo, Annie #

Santana Lopez: # Hoo, hoo #

Sebastian Smythe: # He came into your apartment #
# Left the blood stains on the carpet #
# Then you ran into the bedroom, you were struck down #

Santana Lopez: # Hoo, hoo #

Sebastian Smythe: # It was your doom, Annie, you've been hit by #

Sebastian & Santana: # You've been struck by #
# A smooth criminal. #

Santana Lopez: I was better.

Sebastian Smythe: You weren't even close.

Santana Lopez: I was better. Now tell me the truth. What did you put in that slushee?

Sebastian Smythe: Rock salt... but it's okay.

Santana Lopez: Why is it okay? I just told you that Blaine had to have surgery.

Sebastian Smythe: It's okay because I didn't put anything in this one.

Santana Lopez: Before Mr. Schue gets here, come on. Brittany, lock the door.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know how to do that.

Rachel Berry: Um, what's going on?

Santana Lopez: We've got the Warblers right where we want them. And because he's the smoothest criminal I know, Artie was able to find a spy store that sells top-secret surveillance equipment.

Artie Abrams: Not top-secret. I just got a tape recorder from OfficeMax.

Santana Lopez: Okay, okay, whatever. In any case, I taped it to my underboob when we went to Dalton, and I got Sebastian on tape admitting that there was rock-salt in that slushee that blinded Blaine. Now, all we have to do is send this tape to the po-po, and that little bitchlet is headed to juvie. Admit it. Tell me the truth. What did you put in that slushee?

Sebastian Smythe: Rock salt.

Kurt Hummel: No. No, we're not doing that.

Santana Lopez:  Why? Kurt, this isn't violent. This is clever. I taped it to my underboob.

Kurt Hummel: So he gets kicked out of school. The Warblers still do Michael, and they still beat us. Look, I want to see Sebastian's head turning on a spit, but I've realized that you can't go looking for payback every time the world wrongs you. If Michael went after all the haters, he would have never had any time to do all that amazing music. So, we're not gonna punish the Warblers. We're gonna teach them a lesson, and I think I know how. I've reserved the auditorium, so if you all just follow me.

Santana Lopez: Oh, wait. If Kurt would have taped this to his junk, I would have never heard the end of it. We would have had a whole week of songs about it.

Brittany S. Pierce: True.

Finn Hudson: Rachel, can I borrow you for a second?

Rachel Berry: Yeah. So, are we gonna practice or something? Look, I know that you're waiting for an answer, and-and trust me, you deserve it...

Finn Hudson: No, no, I get it. It's a big decision. It's just, the way I asked you, I kind of left out the most important part.

Rachel Berry: About how much rent we would save if we went twosies?

Finn Hudson: Just listen, okay? I always feel like you hear me better when I'm not talking.
# Each time the wind blows #
# I hear your voice so I call your name #
# Whispers at morning #
# Our love is dawning #
# Heaven's glad you came #
# You know how I feel #
# This thing can't go wrong #
# I'm so proud to say I love you #
# Your love's got me high #
# I long to get by #
# This time is forever #
# Love is the answer #

Rachel Berry: # I hear your voice now #
# You are my choice now #
# The love you bring #
# Heaven's in my heart #
# At your call I hear harps #
# And angels sing #
# You know how I feel #
# This thing can't go wrong #
# I can't live my life without you #

Finn Hudson: # I just can't hold on #

Rachel Berry: # I feel we belong #

Finn Hudson: # My life ain't worth living #
# If I can't be with you #

Finn & Rachel: # I just can't stop loving you #
# I just can't stop loving you #
# And if I stop #
# Then tell me just what will I do? #
# I just can't stop loving you #

Rachel Berry: # We can change all the world tomorrow #

Finn Hudson: # We can sing songs of yesterday #

Rachel Berry: # I can say, hey, farewell to sorrow #

Finn Hudson: # This is my life and I #

Finn & Rachel: # Want to see you for always #
# I just can't stop loving you #

Rachel Berry: # Oh, baby, no #

Finn & Rachel: # I just can't stop loving you #

Rachel Berry: # Yeah, I can't stop #

Finn Hudson: # And if I stop #

Rachel Berry: # No #

Finn Hudson: # Tell me just what #
# Will I do? #

Rachel Berry: # What will I do? #
# I just can't stop #
# Loving you #

Finn Hudson: # Hee, hee, hee #
# Oh, little girl #

Finn & Rachel: # I just can't stop loving you #

Finn Hudson: # Oh, I do #

Finn & Rachel: # And if I stop #
# Then tell me just what will I do? #
# I just can't stop loving you. #

Finn Hudson: Felt an awful lot like a...

Rachel Berry: You're the love of my life. And... I may not get to have it all, but... at least I'll have what matters if we're together.

Finn Hudson: Is that a...?

Rachel Berry: Yes.

Finn Hudson: Yes?

Rachel Berry: Yes, I will marry you.

Finn Hudson: Got to get the ring here.

Artie Abrams: Nice of you to show.

Sebastian Smythe: Is whatever this is gonna take long? I can't stand the stench of public schools.

Quinn Fabray: It won't take long, and all you have to do is sit and listen.

Artie Abrams: We're not doing Michael for Regionals.

Sebastian Smythe: I didn't think you'd surrender that easily.

Kurt Hummel: We're tired of the fighting and the backstabbing. We're show choirs. We're supposed to be supportive of each other.

Noah Puckerman: This is what we call taking the high road, which I was shocked to find out has nothing to do with marijuana.

Artie Abrams: Just because you're doing Michael doesn't mean you understand Michael.

Sebastian Smythe: And you do?

Mercedes Jones: Yes. And we're about to show you.

Artie Abrams: # Oh! #
# I took my baby on a Saturday date #
# But is that girl with you? #
# Yes, we're one in the same #

Rachel Berry: # Now I believe in miracles #
# And a miracle has happened tonight #
# Hey! #

Rachel, Artie & Santana: # Uh, but if you're thinking about my baby #
# It don't matter if you're black or white #

Artie Abrams: # Hee #

Rachel Berry: # Hee, hee #

Santana Lopez: # I am tired of this devil #
# I am tired of this stuff #
# I am tired of this business #
# So when the going gets rough #
# I ain't scared of your brother #
# I ain't scared of no sheets #
# I ain't scared of nobody #
# Girl, when the goin' gets mean #

Artie Abrams: # Protection for gangs, clubs and nations causing grief #
# In human relations, it's a turf war #
# On a global scale #
# I'd rather hear both sides of the tale #
# See, it's not about races, just places, faces #
# Where your blood comes from is where your space is #
# I've seen the bright get duller #
# I'm not gonna spend my life being a color #

Kurt Hummel: # Don't tell me you agree with me #
# When I saw you kicking dirt in my eye #

Rachel & Artie: # But if you're thinking about my baby #
# It don't matter if you're black or white #

Santana & Artie: # I said, if you're thinking of being my brother #
# It don't matter if you're black or white #

Santana Lopez: # Yeah, yeah #

Rachel Berry: # Whoo! Black or white... #

Artie Abrams: # It's black, it's white #
# It's tough for you to get by #
# Black or white #

Santana Lopez: # Yeah, yeah... #

Artie Abrams: # It's black, it's white #

Santana Lopez: # Whoo! #

Artie Abrams: # It's tough for you to get by #

Santana Lopez: # Yeah, yeah #

Artie Abrams: # It's black, it's white #

Santana Lopez: # Whoo! #

Artie Abrams: # It's tough for you to get by #

Rachel Berry: # Black or white #

Artie Abrams: # It's black, it's white #
# It's tough for you to get by #

New Directions: # Black or white #

Artie Abrams: # It's black, it's white, whoo! #

Sebastian Smythe: Very moving.

Nick Duval: Come on, Sebastian. Give it up.

Sebastian Smythe: That is the kind of attitude that lost us Regionals last year.

Santana Lopez: I could call the cops or your headmaster and get you kicked out of school or even arrested for assaulting Blaine with that slushee.

Sebastian Smythe: All of this would be just awfully terrifying if you had any proof whatsoever.

Santana Lopez: You mean like you on tape admitting to it?

Kurt Hummel: But you know what? It just wouldn't be as much fun winning Regionals if you weren't there to suffer through all the agony of defeat.

Santana Lopez: At least now, all your teammates get to know exactly what kind of guy you are.

Artie Abrams: Now get the hell out of my auditorium. School's out!

Kurt Hummel: Is... Is-Is that the...?

Rachel Berry: My NYADA letter finally came in the mail, and, uh... and I'm a finalist. I'm a finalist! I'm a finalist! I'm so happy.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, congrats.

Rachel Berry: Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, have you told Finn yet?