Glee - Season 2 Episodes 13-17

213. Comeback

放送日:2011年2月15日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Puck's got a thing for Lauren Zizes, but she's not really down with it.
Lauren Zizes: I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
Ian Brennan: Finn kissed Quinn, who's supposed to be dating Sam, and Rachel kissed Finn too, but he didn't feel the fireworks.
Rachel Berry: On the cheek?
Ian Brennan: Can you believe that? Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon to win Nationals, but the only thing she won was Katie Couric's "Loser of the Year."
Sue Sylvester: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: I actually learned something in my Spanish class today. "Regresar." Who knows what that means? "To come back." That's right. I realized the old Will Schuster was back. Glee Club's going to Regionals. We got all of Sue's Cheerios money. I'm past Terry. I'm over Emma. "To come back." Now, if we're going to put it in the past...
Emma Pillsbury: Will? It's an emergency.



Emma Pillsbury: Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this.
Will Schuester: "Good-bye, cruel world"?
Emma Pillsbury: She could be dead by now.



Will Schuester: It's weird; the door's open. Sue? Sue?
Emma Pillsbury: No? All right.
Will Schuester: Sue.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my Lord. Oh!
Will Schuester: Oh, Sue. Sue. Wake up, Sue. Sue! Wake up!
Emma Pillsbury: I don't feel a pulse. She doesn't have a pulse.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, I do. I just stopped my own heart. That's my CIA training. These gummi vitamins didn't work at all. I was told you take enough Vitamin A, and you drift off into a blissful oblivion. Instead, my face just got really hot and my jaw is sore from all that chewing. I have nothing to live for.
Emma Pillsbury: That's not untrue.
Will Schuester: Emma, we didn't come here to give her a pep talk. I'm sorry, Sue, but you brought this on yourself.
Sue Sylvester: I am well aware of my situation, Will. After my humiliating failure to qualify for Nationals, there is nothing for me or my Cheerios to do for the rest of the year.
Emma Pillsbury: Why don't you do what other cheer squads do— namely, cheer for the teams at the school?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Will Schuester: Emma, let's go. Sue, you are nasty, manipulative and petty.
Sue Sylvester: Will, you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind WikiLeaks.
Will Schuester: Oh, I for one, am not going to play backup at your little pity party. Take it easy, Sue.



Sam Evans: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: Hi.
Sam Evans: So I wanted to confirm our date on Friday at Color Me Mine.
Quinn Fabray: Wait, you were serious about that?
Sam Evans: It's painting coasters time. So, we good for Friday?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. I think so. I mean, I don't think I have anything else to do.
Sam Evans: Cool. Things have been weird since Quinn got mono a couple of weeks ago. Everyone keeps telling me that she must have kissed Finn, but I believe it when she told me what really happened.



Quinn Fabray: I didn't kiss Finn, Sam. I saved his life.



Principal Figgins: He's not breathing!



Sam Evans: I totally almost choked on a gumball once.



Sam Evans: I know she's into me. I just get the feeling that I'm losing her. I can't let that happen. Quinn's the best thing that's happened to me since I got to this school. But how? Of course. My dad always said there are two ways to get a woman to love you: take her hunting and rock 'n' roll. I knew what I had to do. I mean, who's more rock and roll than Justin Bieber? No one. That's who. The hair was step one. Step two was booking a couple of Bat Mitvah gigs to test out how my new one man band would go over. Hey. I'm the Justin Bieber Experience.
# Baby, baby, baby, oh #
# Like #
# Baby, baby, baby #
# No #
# Like, baby, baby, baby #
# Oh #
#I thought you'd #
# Always be mine. #
Sam Evans: Heads up, Quinn Fabray, you're about to be hit head on with the full blond Bieber.



Rachel Berry: Hey, Brittany. We need to talk. Why are my leg warmers on your arms?
Brittany S. Pierce: I got cold.
Rachel Berry: But, no. We had a deal, okay? As I explained, I am in the midst of a career resurgence, okay? I am done with boys, and I am concentrating fully on my career now. The only way to make a complete comeback is to dominate popular discussion, maybe launch a trend or two. I have you half of my allowance so you could take a signature look of mine and make it popular.
Brittany S. Pierce: And we decided tha legwarmers were more likely to catch on than reindeer sweaters.
Rachel Berry: Yes, precisely, but it won't work if you insist on wearing them incorrectly.
Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't realize that there were rules.
Rachel Berry: Of course there are rules. They're legwarmers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, can I wear them that way tomorrow? I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer. No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.
Rachel Berry: Fine, fine. And when people ask you who gave you the inspiration for your new accessory, you're going to say, "I'm just copying Rachel..."
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm just copying Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry: Fantastic.



Sue Sylvester: You know how I feel about hats. Just 'cause. None of you should be making eye contact with me. Get out! Go! Get used to this abuse, Glee kids. I got nothing but time. Nothing but time.



Will Schuester: I think she's dangerous. Idle hands are the Devil's playthings. I mean, Sue's got nothing to do now, which means it's only a matter of time before she starts coming after the Glee Club.
Sue Sylvester: Hey... Will, Esmé. So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting. But would you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I could hang myself? I just did a test run back in my office, and you know what? There's asbestos up there, and that can kill a person.
Will Schuester: Sue? Sit. Now, I understand you're upset, but life is beautiful. Are you going to tell me there hasn't been one moment since your epic decline that you haven't felt yourself feel good about something?
Sue Sylvester: Well, yes, Will, as a matter of fact, there was... there was one moment. I was driving to work this morning in my LeCar, and Charlene's "I've Never Been To Me" came on the radio. And when it got to the chorus, I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her. And I have to say, it felt really good.
Emma Pillsbury: Sue should join the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry?
Sue Sylvester: No, I'd rather be dead.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. She should join— I mean, you can't join, but she can sit in. Yes. Will. Look, Sue is in a really bad place right now. And you're always talking about the healing power of music. There are studies that show it helps with depression, it elevates mood. I have a pamphlet.
Will Schuester: Uh... Emma, I don't think this is a good idea at all.
Sue Sylvester: I agree with SpongeHair SquareChin. It's a stupid idea.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no. The football team did it for a spell, and that really brought people together. Will, and this is a great chance for you to keep your eye on Sue. You know, make sure the old gal's okay.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you know what, folks? At this point, to alleviate my crippling depression, I'd do anything.



Tina Cohen-Chang: This cannot be happening.
Artie Abrams: This seems like a terrible idea.
Will Schuester: Guys, it's not up for discussion, okay? Now, it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks...
Santana Lopez: I mean, just wanky.
Will Schuester: And I believe she could use a little sympathy from us.
Mercedes Jones: Sympathy? From us? Uh-uh.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable.
Santana Lopez: She got exactly what she deserved.
Sue Sylvester: You're lucky I left my blowgun at home, Airbags, 'cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies.
Will Schuester: Guys, Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks, but she is a proven champion. Now, we could do worse than to have that kindf a winning record in our midst.
Sue Sylvester: Let me break it down for you. I am no longer a threat to you people. All right? I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live. Is that too much to ask?
Will Schuester: Guys, it's settled. Sue's going to be with us for the week. Now... I received an envelope in the mail today. We know that we're facing Kurt and the Warblers at Regionals.
Sue Sylvester: Sweet Porcelain.
Will Schuester: And it looks like this year, we face Aural Intensity again.
Mercedes Jones: They cleaned our clock last year.
Will Schuester: Seems like the governing board has assigned a theme to this year's Regionals, and part of our score will be based upon how well we interpret it. This year's theme— "Anthem." Now, who can tell us what an anthem is?
Brittany S. Pierce: The bottom of an ant's pants.
Will Schuester: So close. So close. No. An anthem is an epic song, filled with a groundswell of emotion that somehow seems bigger than itself. Even bigger than the person performing it.
Sam Evans: Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Sam, I didn't even notice your new haircut.
Sam Evans: Yeah. I've been working on a new image to go with my new one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience.
Quinn Fabray: You've got to be kidding me.
Noah Puckerman: Dude. That haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.
Sue Sylvester: Let her speak.
Sam Evans: Look, laugh all you want, but that kid's an epic talent, and there's a number I've been working on that I've been wanting to show off. And I think it qualifies as an anthem, because it's just hugely emotional, and sums up our generation.
Will Schuester: All right. Let's hear it, buddy.
Sam Evans: # Oh, whoa, whoa #
# Oh, whoa, oh #
# Oh, whoa, whoa #
# You know you love me, I know you care #
# Just shout whenever, and I'll be there #
# You want my love, you want my heart #
# And we will never... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: This is actually a really good song.
Sam Evans: # Ever, ever be apart #
# Are we an item? #
# Girl, quit playing #
# We're just friends? #
# What are you saying? #
# Say there's another, and look right in my eyes #
# My first love broke my heart for the first time #
# And I was like #
# Baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, like, baby, baby, baby, no #
# Like baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, I thought you'd always be mine mine #
# Oh, for you, I would have d #Done whatever #
# And I just can't believe we ain't together #
# And I wanna play it cool #
# But I'm losing you #
# I'll buy you anything #
# I'll buy you any ring #
# And I'm in pieces #
# Baby, fix me #
# And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream #
# I'm going down, down, down, down #
# And I just cant believe #
# My first love won't be around #
# And I'm like, baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, like, baby, baby, baby #
# No, like, baby, baby, baby, oh #
# I thought you'd always be mine #
# I'm gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# I'm gone. #
New Directions: Yeah! All right! The Biebster!
Sue Sylvester: I got to get that girl on my Cheerios!



Noah Puckerman: We want in.
Sam Evans: In what?
Artie Abrams: The Justin Bieber Experience. We want in the band.
Sam Evans: But it's a one-man band.
Mike Chang: So expand.
Sam Evans: I don't get it, you guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.
Noah Puckerman: That's because we underestimated the power of the Biebes.
Mike Chang: He's clearly like a mini-god.
Artie Abrams: Look how you made all those chicks melt in Glee Club; now think about the power of four Biebers.
Noah Puckerman: We'd be unstoppable.
Mike Chang: All of our relationships are in the standard post-Valentine's Day lull.



Mike Chang: Are you playing Angry Birds?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Sorry.
Mike Chang: Want me to show you my abs?
Tina Cohen-Chang: If you want to.



Artie Abrams: Here's what happens to the female chemistry. They get a huge shot of endorphins on Valentine's Day, and everything is heightened and so romantic— the problem is, days later, when they come down from their See's candy high, they crash, and everything else, by comparison, is humdrum.
Mike Chang: We need the sugary sweet jolt of the Biebes to get us some action again.
Sam Evans: Why do you want in, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: I'm at the end of my Lauren Zises rope. I'll try anything to get into those enormous pants.
Finn Hudson: Uh, what's going on?
Artie Abrams: We're joining The Justin Bieber Experience, if Sam's cool with it.
Noah Puckerman: And if not, we're starting our own band.
Mike Chang: Bieber Fever.
Finn Hudson: Wait, you-you guys do realize that Justin Bieber sucks, right?
Sam Evans: Quinn seemed to be pretty into him when I was singing in Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: Right, well, I'm gonna spend my time working on songs that aren't geared toward 12-year-olds.
Sam Evans: Good. And then you won't have time to pick up any other guys' girlfriends.
Finn Hudson: Hey... back off, man. I didn't kiss your girlfriend. She saved my life.
Mike Chang: So, what do you say? Are we in?
Sam Evans: Fine. But we need to figure out something to do with Puckerman's hair.



Rachel Berry: Oh, no. No way.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a genius— they have changed my life. I didn't know my arms could be so toasty. You're a hero— you should win some kind of award.
Rachel Berry: What are you doing?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so sorry, Rachel, it just sort of caught on.
Rachel Berry: I see that, okay? That is not what we agreed upon! I want my allowance back right now!
Brittany S. Pierce: It's already gone. My uncle lost his job, and his goat was going hungry, so... I spent it on food for the goat. I mean, sort of. The goat just ate the money.
Rachel Berry: Okay, the-the only way to proceed is for you to come to school dressed exactly like me.
Brittany S. Pierce: What is that look called?
Rachel Berry: Sexy schoolgirl librarian chic. All right, you'd better get a move on, okay? Kids 'R' Us closes at 6:00 p.m. sharp. Go, Brittany.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, L my lust for life is renewed. I have found myself dropped behind enemy lines, poised to destroy the Glee Club from within. Schuester and his guidance counselor Ginger fell for my pity party hook, line and sinker, and now I'm in and ready to sink them, once and for all. Thus begins my plan. I will pit these Glee Clubbers against one another, rupturing the group internally, until it explodes like a ripe zit!
Mercedes Jones: You wanted to see me?
Sue Sylvester: Yes. Mercedes, have a seat. So, I've decided I'm going to sing a song in Glee Club, and I need your advice. Now, as you may know, I have a background in music. For a brief period, I was a tambourine player for Wilson-Phillips. What I need to learn from you is how to be a diva.
Mercedes Jones: Oh. Well, you've definitely come to the right girl. I mean, being a diva is all about attitude, something I know you're not short on. It's all about sassy fingers and shaking that weave and generally, taking no nonsense from nobody.
Sue Sylvester: Dig it, sister.



Rachel Berry: Well, I have to say I'm flattered and shocked that you came to me.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, come, now, "Ra-chelle," it doesn't humble me too much to say I simply need your tutelage.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'll say this— being a diva is all about emotion. In fact, you feel so much emotion that it cannot be physically contained. Sometimes you have to close your eyes and turn your head and push, push your feelings away— they're that big!
Sue Sylvester: Wow. Well, that Mercedes is wrong about you.
Rachel Berry: What... what did she say?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I don't remember the specifics, just something about you're not as talented as you think you are and all your ideas are horrible. I don't know, something like that.



Mercedes Jones: She said what?
Sue Sylvester: Yep. Quote: "Not that talented."



Mercedes Jones: There you are. I heard what you said about me.
Rachel Berry: I heard what you said about me.
Mercedes Jones: Just when I thought we were friends.
Rachel Berry: I guess that will just never happen, will it?
Mercedes Jones: I guess not. You know, there's only one "I" in "diva," Rachel, and that "I" is me. Guess we're just gonna have to settle this the old-fashioned way.
Rachel Berry: Diva-off.
Mercedes Jones: Tomorrow, Glee Club.
Rachel Berry: Why not right now?
Mercedes Jones: 'Cause I have to go get my cross-trainers. Want to know why? I'm gonna be doing some runs.



Finn Hudson: So... Friday night, I figured we'd check out the Sullivan rink. They have ice rink bumper cars.
Quinn Fabray: I told you, I haven't decided what I'm doing yet.
Mercedes Jones: Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?
Will Schuester: All right, looks like the guys here are ready to give us their anthem.
Sam Evans: Everybody, we are the new and improved The Justin Bieber Experience, and we think this song is an anthem because everything Bieber does is epic.
Artie Abrams: Truth.
Sam Evans: Anyway, this song, like all the songs I sing, is for my girlfriend Quinn. Hit it.
Artie Abrams: # Ohhhhh ohoooooo #
# For you, I'd write a symphony #
# I'd tell the violin #
# It's time to sink a swim #
# Watch them play for ya #
Sam Evans: # For you I'd be #
# Runnin' a thousand miles #
# Just get to where you are. #
Artie Abrams: # Step to the beat of my heart #
# I don't need a whole lot #
# But for you I admit I'd #
# Rather give you the world #
# Or we can share mine #
Sam Evans: # I know that I won't be the first one givin' you all this attention #
# Baby listen #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love. #
Sam Evans: # I don't need too much #
# Just need somebody to love #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # Somebody to love #
Sam Evans: # I don't need nothing else. #
# I promise, girl, I swear #
# I just need somebody to love. #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I need somebody #
# I-I need somebody #
# I need somebody #
# I-I need somebody #
Artie Abrams: # Every day #
# I bring the sun around #
# I sweep away the clouds #
# Smile for me #
Sam Evans: # I would take every second, #
# Every single time #
# Spend it like my last dime. #
Artie Abrams: # Step to the beat of my heart. #
# I don't need a whole lot #
# But for you I admit I'd #
# Rather give you the world #
# Or let you share mine #
Sam Evans: # I know I won't be the first one, #
# Givin' you all this attention #
Artie Abrams: # Baby listen! #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love #
Sam Evans: # I don't need too much #
# Just somebody to love. #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # Somebody to love #
Sam Evans: # I don't need nothing else, #
# I promise girl I swear. #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love. #
# I need somebody, #
# I-I need somebody, #
# I need somebody, #
# I-I need somebody. #
Sam Evans: # I swear, I just need somebody to love. #
Rachel Berry: Justin Bieber!
Sam Evans: I need a towel.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey!
Quinn Fabray: I... I actually can't do Friday.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, Lauren. So, uh, what'd you think?
Lauren Zizes: Honestly, although my love would crush him, I'm totally turned on by the Biebster. That is, until I remember that he looks like he's 12; then it's sort of creepy. So if I were gonna give C-plus.
Noah Puckerman: Listen, Zises, I'm dying here. You got me every which way, and we both know I'm not the brightest. So, please!— what do I have to do to get with you?
Lauren Zizes: I may have a proposition for you. I'll keep you posted.
Quinn Fabray: Color Me Mine?
Sam Evans: I'll color you yours any day.
Santana Lopez: Mm, Sammy Evans! You are Biebalicious. How are things going with you and Quinn?
Sam Evans: Fine.
Santana Lopez: No, they're not. You and I should, uh, talk soon.



Quinn Fabray: Sam's an artist, Finn.
Finn Hudson: An artist? I guess that's why he's taking you to Color Me Mine.
Quinn Fabray: I told you I needed time to figure out what I was gonna do with Sam, and I did. I choose him.
Finn Hudson: Because of The Justin Bieber Experience?
Quinn Fabray: Look, I thought it was gonna be stupid, too, but he was so... shameless. He just got up there and owned it. It was sexy. I'm sorry, Finn. But like I said, Sam's an artist, and at the end of the day... it really turns me on.



Noah Puckerman: Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you?
Lauren Zizes: Shut it, Puckerman— we're here to talk business.
Noah Puckerman: Sorry.
Lauren Zizes: Okay, I want to do a number for Glee Club. It's stage one of my master plan.
Noah Puckerman: Shibby. So what, you want me to back you up on my ax?
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, but I also need some advice. I'm a little bit nervous about singing in front of a crowd. Up until now, I've only really sung in the steam shower.
Noah Puckerman: Hot. But ridiculous. I mean, you're the most confident chick I know.
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, I know I'm hot melted butter, but singing's different, and I want to be great. Or at least as good as Barry.
Noah Puckerman: I get nervous before I sing, too. But I always overcome. You want to know my secret?
Lauren Zizes: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Oldest trick in the book. Just picture the audience in their underwear.
Lauren Zizes: Even the dudes?
Noah Puckerman: It's not about sex. It's just about seeing the audience as more vulnerable than you. Trust me. It works every time. Can I touch your knockers now?
Lauren Zizes: Only if you want to lose a hand. But you're on your way.



Sue Sylvester: Remember, I want this diva-off to be a bloodbath.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, trust. It's about to go down.
Rachel Berry: You look amazing.
Brittany S. Pierce: I really do.
Rachel Berry: This look has to go viral. Is there any way you can cut class for the rest of the day, just so that you could walk down the halls?
Brittany S. Pierce: Totally. Most teachers think by cutting class, I might improve my grades.
Rachel Berry: Great.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why are you dressed like that? I thought you weren't into the Biebster.
Finn Hudson: Well, I wasn't, but then somebody told me that Justin Bieber's, like, the king of YouTube with over a billion views. An anthem is supposed to appeal to the masses, right? So before I pick my anthem, I was working on my anthem look.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys and gals! And Sue. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Our next diva-off. So here they are, sure to give us a fantastic anthem, Mercedes and Rachel. Let's give it up!
Rachel Berry: Uh, after much argument, I finally convinced Mercedes that in order to do a proper diva-off, it has to come from the Broadway catalogue. Which I think is safe to say that that gives me a home field advantage, so...
Mercedes Jones: Oh, wellyou're about to get beat on your own turf.
Rachel Berry: Hit it.
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah
Rachel Berry: # Yeah
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh
Rachel Berry: # Every single day
# I walk down the street
# I hear people say
# "Baby's so sweet"
# Ever since puberty
# Everybody stares at me
# Boys, girls
# I can't help it baby
# So be kind
# And don't lose your mind
# Just remember
# That I'm your baby
Mercedes Jones: # Take me for what I am
# Who I was meant to be
Rachel Berry: # And if you give a damn
Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me baby or leave me
Rachel Berry: # Take me baby or leave me
Mercedes Jones: # A tiger in a cage
# Can never see the sun
# This diva needs her stage
# Baby, let's have fun!
# You are the one I choose
# Folks would kill to fill your shoes
# You love the limelight too, now baby
# So be mine
# And don't waste my time
# Cryin', "Oh Honeybear
# Are you still my, my, my baby?"
Rachel Berry: # Take me for what I am
Mercedes Jones: # Who I was meant to be
Mercedes & Rachel: # And if you give a damn
Mercedes Jones: # Take me baby or leave me
# No way, can I be what I'm not
Rachel Berry: # But hey, don't you want your girl hot?
Mercedes Jones: # Don't fight, don't lose your head
Rachel Berry: # ‘Cause every night, who's in your bed?
Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me for what I am
Mercedes Jones: # Who I was meant to be
Rachel Berry: # Who I was meant to be
# And if you give a damn
Mercedes Jones: # And if you give a damn ya better
# Take me baby or leave me
Rachel Berry: # Oh, take me baby or leave me
Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me baby
# Or leave me
# Guess I'm leaving
# I'm gone!
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God. That was so great!
Rachel Berry: No, her. What about her?
Mercedes Jones: Me? No, her.
Will Schuester: You guys, that was awesome!
Sue Sylvester: Hey, where's the hate?
Will Schuester: Not the point of Glee Club, Sue.



Sue Sylvester: I understand you wish to see me.
Will Schuester: Yeah, Sue, I did. I saw how you were in class today. What are you doing tomorrow night? I want to take you somewhere.
Sue Sylvester: No. No. No way. I don't care how depressed I am, I will not date a curly.
Will Schuester: Not on a date, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Still probably not going to go.
Will Schuester: You're interested in making your comeback, right? Well, I think it's important that you see something.



Sue Sylvester: Hate 'em. Hate hospitals, William. That's why I keep voting for those death panels.
Will Schuester: Sue, I know you. You crack jokes whenever you get uncomfortable.
Sue Sylvester: Not really joking, William. And you have a penchant for sappy scenarios set to music, so I demand to know where we're going.
Will Schuester: We're going to the pediatric cancer ward. No, no, no— once a month, I come down here, and I sing songs with some of the kids getting long-term care.
Sue Sylvester: Yep. No.
Will Schuester: No. Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Uh, William... I know what you're getting at. I have been selfish. Yes, I was ridiculed on the national stage, but you're right, that's nothing when you compare it to what many people have to deal with and come back from. I should be grateful. Well, congratulations, I've learned my lesson.
Will Schuester: Then let's celebrate. Let's sing with some kids. Look... you're right. You know, sometimes, Glee Club is a little silly. But we push through the weird to get to the real stuff. I mean, music can get at a part of us that-that's hard to open up to. But please... go there with me. I think it'll be good for you, Sue. No outfits, no jazz hands. Just... music.
Sue Sylvester: Fine. And William, I don't care how adorable those kids are, if I hear one song from that classic rock outfit Journey, I will start pulling catheters.
Will Schuester: Come on. Bailey? Hi, guys!
Bailey: Hi, Will.
Will Schuester: Oh, hey. My man. Hi.
Bailey: Oh, my God, you're Sue Sylvester. I just saw you on TV.
Sue Sylvester: Oh.
Bailey: Hey, guys. This lady was interviewed by Katie Couric.
Sue Sylvester: Holy sweet baby Jesus.
Bailey: What do you say, guys? You ready - to make some music?
Children: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Let's do this thing. Brought my special little guy with me.
Children: Yeah!
Will Schuester: All right! All right, and that's all there is to it. So, does everyone know their parts?
Children: Yes.
Will Schuester: Okay. Sue?
Sue Sylvester: My kids are going to mop the floor with your kids.
Will Schuester: Not a chance. All right, I'm going to sing the first two. And then you guys come in and join me, just like we practiced. All right?
Children: Okay.
Will Schuester: # This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #
Hide it under a bushel. #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #
Children: # This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #
Will Schuester: Give yourselves a hand. All right. Good job.
Sue Sylvester: I'll never forgive you for this.
Will Schuester: Deal.



Santana Lopez: Look, Q, I know that we've had our differences, but I can't lie— that outfit is amazing on you.
Quinn Fabray: It looks good on everyone. Penny loafers and tights? Genius.
Santana Lopez: Outrageous. I mean, my carousel-horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler, but no, I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. You guys look amazing. Seriously. She's a genius and an icon.
Rachel Berry: Who is?
Quinn Fabray: Brittany. Who did you think?
Santana Lopez: Who knew that taking off that Cheerios uniform would turn her into a fashion institution?
Rachel Berry: Is-Is this a joke?
Santana Lopez: No. That sweater is. Who wears a reindeer sweater?
Rachel Berry: Uh, all three of you.
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, this is a carousel horse.
Quinn Fabray: If you want to know what to wear, just look to Brittany.
Rachel Berry: Look, she took the look from me, okay? I paid her.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a terrible liar, Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: I can't believe you would take this away from poor Brittany.
Santana Lopez: It's sad. You're just sad.
Rachel Berry: Hey! I need to talk to you. I want my money back.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I used it to pay a publicist.
Rachel Berry: What?
Brittany S. Pierce: Jacob Ben Israel posted a photo and this Web site called "The Sartorialist" named me the trendiest girl in America.
Rachel Berry: Brittany, I'm trying to stage a comeback here.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, but what exactly are you coming back from?
Rachel Berry: I...
Brittany S. Pierce: Listen, Rachel. I'm gonna give you some tough love right now. You're not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing, they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming. I'm really sorry, but I have to go. I have an interview with Teen Vogue.



Will Schuester: All right! Let's get right down to it. Starting us off and making her New Directions solo debut, Miss Lauren Zizes. Uh, so what are you going to sing for us, Lauren?
Lauren Zizes: Here's how I see it. I know I'm the hottest bitch in this joint. If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the rest of the world a finger, and this would be my national anthem.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Lauren Zizes: Puckerman, grab your guitar. Tina, Brittany, ready? Good. Awesome. Super cool. Okay. Two, three, four.
# I know what boys like
# I know what guys want
# I see them looking
# I make them want me
# I like to tease them
# I know what boys like, boys
# like, boys like me
# I see your sad now
Tina & Brittany: # I will let you
Lauren Zizes: # Sorry I teased you
Tina & Brittany: # I will let you
Lauren Zizes: # This time I mean it
Tina & Brittany: # I will let you
Lauren Zizes: # Anything you want
Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me
Lauren Zizes: # I really want to
Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me
Lauren Zizes: # How would you like it
Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me
Lauren Zizes: # SUCKER!
# Hmmmm
# I got my cat moves #
# That so upset them #
# Zippers and buttons #
# Fun to frustrate them #
# They get so angry #
# Like pouty children #
# Denied their candy #
# I laugh right at them #
# I know what boys like, boys
# like, boys like me
Noah Puckerman: How frickin' hot is she!



Sam Evans: This morning I woke up, and decided to swallow the sun. That's my James Earl Jones impression.
Santana Lopez: First of all, that is offensive; he shot Martin Luther King.
Sam Evans: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Santana Lopez: Okay, you know what? Let's just cut to the chase. Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is, like, way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake, every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork. Which is where I come in. I hereby offer my services as a mistress. I wants on them froggy lips, and I wants on 'em now.
Sam Evans: But I'm dating Quinn.
Santana Lopez: And this just in, she cheated on you.
Sam Evans: No, she didn't.
Santana Lopez: Look, I know you're as dumb as a bag of wet hair, but you know in your heart she's lying. That gumball story was insane. You're choosing to believe it so you can still be with her. But consider my offer. Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can't mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python, but because you have some buzz at this school. Think about it.



Sue Sylvester: Will, you have a problem.
Will Schuester: You?
Sue Sylvester: No. Your Glee kids. They have no comprehension skills. Your assignment was anthems, and I'll be damned as your hairdresser if any 'em sung a single one.
Will Schuester: Sue, are you trying to tell me that you want to perform an anthem?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll admit that your little field trip to the house was sad; inspired me a bit. But I'm not gonna go it alone— the whole crew has to sing it with me. And here's the catch: no more Bieber, no hoodies, no pocket Lesbian Bieber hair.
Will Schuester: Well, that can be arranged. What's your song?



Rachel Berry: # Sing it out #
# Boy you've got to see what tomorrow brings #
Finn Hudson: # Sing it out #
# Girl you've got to be what tomorrow needs #
Rachel Berry: # For every time that they want to count you out #
Finn Hudson: # And use your voice #
Rachel Berry: # Uhhh #
Finn Hudson: # Every single time #
Finn & Rachel: # You open up your mouth #
New Directions: # Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls #
# Every time that you lose it sing it for the world #
# Sing it from the heart #
# Sing it 'til you're nuts #
# Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts #
# Sing it for the deaf #
# Sing it for the blind #
# Sing about everyone that you left behind #
# Sing it for the world, sing it for the world #
# Cleaned-up, corporation progress #
# Dying in the process #
# Buy yourself the motivation #
# Generation nothing, #
# Nothing but a dead scene #
# Product of a white dream #
# I am not the singer that you wanted, but a dancer #
# I refuse to answer, talk about the past, sir #
# Wrote it for the ones who want to get away #
Finn Hudson: # Keep running! #
New Directions: # Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls #
# Every time that you lose it sing it for the world #
# Sing it from the heart #
# Sing it 'til you're nuts #
# Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts #
# Sing it for the deaf #
# Sing it for the blind #
# Sing about everyone that you left behind #
# Sing it for the world, sing it for the world #
Rachel Berry: # We’ve got to see what tomorrow brings #
New Directions: # Sing it for the world #
# Sing it for the world #
Rachel Berry: # Boy you've got to be what tomorrow needs #
New Directions: # Sing it for the world #
# Sing it for the world #
Will Schuester: Yeah!



Quinn Fabray: Hey. Do you think I could borrow one of your T-shirts to use as a smock tonight, at Color Me Mine? Kind of have a thing for wearing my boyfriend's shirts.
Sam Evans: We're not going to Color Me Mine. And I'm not your boyfriend.
Quinn Fabray: Wait... Why?
Sam Evans: Because you can't look me in the eye right now and tell me that you didn't make out with Finn.
Quinn Fabray: I want to be with you, Sam.
Sam Evans: Forget it, okay? No harm, no foul. Oel ngati kameie. Crap. Santana told me to stop speaking Na'vi.
Quinn Fabray: Since when is Santana telling you what to do?
Sam Evans: Since we started going out.


# I thought you'd always be mine... #
# I'm gone #


Mercedes Jones: When did that happen?
Will Schuester: All right, I hate to say it, but I think we all owe Sue a big thank-you. She may hate us, but she did give us a kick-butt song for Regionals.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, she did!
Will Schuester: That's right.
Mercedes Jones: That's right.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I think that our admiration for Coach Sylvester might just be a little premature. While I love My Ehemical Romance and I think we all kicked butt on that number, as our team leader and arbiter of all that is good, I... I have to say that I don't think that that song is good enough for Regionals. The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their, like, one-two punch, and Aural Intensity kicked our butt last year. We can't just do any song to beat either of those teams.
Mercedes Jones: You mean a number where you don't get to sing the entire song.
Rachel Berry: Guys, this isn't about me.
Will Schuester: What do you suggest, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: We need to need to be bold and epic. We need to write our own original music for Regionals. We need an undisputable advantage.
Santana Lopez: Check out Dwarf Diane Warren.
Rachel Berry: Look, we can't lose Regionals again this year, you guys. Okay? You have to trust me. I feel really, really strongly about this.
Will Schuester: Let's put it to a vote. Okay, Rachel? All those in favor of doing an original song. Chemical Romance?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, there, buddy.
Will Schuester: Sue! You know, I have to be honest, we missed you in here today. Oddly, you're, uh, kind of a fun addition.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, well, Charles Manson would have been a fun addition to your pack of losers.
Will Schuester: Well, looks like you're back to your old self.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, hardly. I'm on my way to becoming someone much better. And you've inspired me, Will. You've made me realize I have more to offer the world than coming up with spectacular, life-threatening cheerleading tumbles. I got the music in me.
Will Schuester: Sue, that is great. I mean, with that attitude, you are welcome in here anytime.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I couldn't do that; it'd be spying on the competition.
Will Schuester: What?
Sue Sylvester: No one told you? I got a part-time gig. Yeah, I'm the new coach for Aural Intensity.
Will Schuester: That's impossible.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, nothing's impossible, Will, when you have a positive attitude. You taught me that. Isn't it great? Geez, I got my mojo back, still get to dedicate my life to destroying yours. Life's good. See you at Regionals.



Rachel Berry: You must be happy.
Finn Hudson: Why is that?
Rachel Berry: Quinn is back on the market. She'll be easy pickings after what Sam did to her.
Finn Hudson: I don't want to talk about Quinn. I want to talk about you. You were right in there today about that number not being good enough to win. We need to write our own songs.
Rachel Berry: Why didn't you say that when I needed you?
Finn Hudson: It wouldn't have made a difference. The only way to prove it to those guys is to write a great song and shove it down their throats.
Rachel Berry: Well, do you think that you and I should do it together?
Finn Hudson: No, I think you should do it yourself. Let's face it, you're the real trendsetter in there, and... if someone was gonna write a song to win Regionals, it would be you.
Rachel Berry: Do you really believe in me that much?
Finn Hudson: More. You know... I really like the Rachel that I saw in there today. Reminded me of the old you. Focused and take no prisoners. I think she might be making a comeback.


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Puck's got a thing for Lauren Zizes, but she's not really down with it.
Lauren Zizes: I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
Ian Brennan: Finn kissed Quinn, who's supposed to be dating Sam, and Rachel kissed Finn too, but he didn't feel the fireworks.
Rachel Berry: On the cheek?
Ian Brennan: Can you believe that? Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon to win Nationals, but the only thing she won was Katie Couric's "Loser of the Year."
Sue Sylvester: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: I actually learned something in my Spanish class today. "Regresar." Who knows what that means? "To come back." That's right. I realized the old Will Schuster was back. Glee Club's going to Regionals. We got all of Sue's Cheerios money. I'm past Terry. I'm over Emma. "To come back." Now, if we're going to put it in the past...
Emma Pillsbury: Will? It's an emergency.



Emma Pillsbury: Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this.
Will Schuester: "Good-bye, cruel world"?
Emma Pillsbury: She could be dead by now.



Will Schuester: It's weird; the door's open. Sue? Sue?
Emma Pillsbury: No? All right.
Will Schuester: Sue.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my Lord. Oh!
Will Schuester: Oh, Sue. Sue. Wake up, Sue. Sue! Wake up!
Emma Pillsbury: I don't feel a pulse. She doesn't have a pulse.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, I do. I just stopped my own heart. That's my CIA training. These gummi vitamins didn't work at all. I was told you take enough Vitamin A, and you drift off into a blissful oblivion. Instead, my face just got really hot and my jaw is sore from all that chewing. I have nothing to live for.
Emma Pillsbury: That's not untrue.
Will Schuester: Emma, we didn't come here to give her a pep talk. I'm sorry, Sue, but you brought this on yourself.
Sue Sylvester: I am well aware of my situation, Will. After my humiliating failure to qualify for Nationals, there is nothing for me or my Cheerios to do for the rest of the year.
Emma Pillsbury: Why don't you do what other cheer squads do— namely, cheer for the teams at the school?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Will Schuester: Emma, let's go. Sue, you are nasty, manipulative and petty.
Sue Sylvester: Will, you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind WikiLeaks.
Will Schuester: Oh, I for one, am not going to play backup at your little pity party. Take it easy, Sue.



Sam Evans: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: Hi.
Sam Evans: So I wanted to confirm our date on Friday at Color Me Mine.
Quinn Fabray: Wait, you were serious about that?
Sam Evans: It's painting coasters time. So, we good for Friday?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. I think so. I mean, I don't think I have anything else to do.
Sam Evans: Cool. Things have been weird since Quinn got mono a couple of weeks ago. Everyone keeps telling me that she must have kissed Finn, but I believe it when she told me what really happened.



Quinn Fabray: I didn't kiss Finn, Sam. I saved his life.



Principal Figgins: He's not breathing!



Sam Evans: I totally almost choked on a gumball once.



Sam Evans: I know she's into me. I just get the feeling that I'm losing her. I can't let that happen. Quinn's the best thing that's happened to me since I got to this school. But how? Of course. My dad always said there are two ways to get a woman to love you: take her hunting and rock 'n' roll. I knew what I had to do. I mean, who's more rock and roll than Justin Bieber? No one. That's who. The hair was step one. Step two was booking a couple of Bat Mitvah gigs to test out how my new one man band would go over. Hey. I'm the Justin Bieber Experience.
# Baby, baby, baby, oh #
# Like #
# Baby, baby, baby #
# No #
# Like, baby, baby, baby #
# Oh #
#I thought you'd #
# Always be mine. #
Sam Evans: Heads up, Quinn Fabray, you're about to be hit head on with the full blond Bieber.



Rachel Berry: Hey, Brittany. We need to talk. Why are my leg warmers on your arms?
Brittany S. Pierce: I got cold.
Rachel Berry: But, no. We had a deal, okay? As I explained, I am in the midst of a career resurgence, okay? I am done with boys, and I am concentrating fully on my career now. The only way to make a complete comeback is to dominate popular discussion, maybe launch a trend or two. I have you half of my allowance so you could take a signature look of mine and make it popular.
Brittany S. Pierce: And we decided tha legwarmers were more likely to catch on than reindeer sweaters.
Rachel Berry: Yes, precisely, but it won't work if you insist on wearing them incorrectly.
Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't realize that there were rules.
Rachel Berry: Of course there are rules. They're legwarmers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, can I wear them that way tomorrow? I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer. No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.
Rachel Berry: Fine, fine. And when people ask you who gave you the inspiration for your new accessory, you're going to say, "I'm just copying Rachel..."
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm just copying Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry: Fantastic.



Sue Sylvester: You know how I feel about hats. Just 'cause. None of you should be making eye contact with me. Get out! Go! Get used to this abuse, Glee kids. I got nothing but time. Nothing but time.



Will Schuester: I think she's dangerous. Idle hands are the Devil's playthings. I mean, Sue's got nothing to do now, which means it's only a matter of time before she starts coming after the Glee Club.
Sue Sylvester: Hey... Will, Esmé. So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting. But would you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I could hang myself? I just did a test run back in my office, and you know what? There's asbestos up there, and that can kill a person.
Will Schuester: Sue? Sit. Now, I understand you're upset, but life is beautiful. Are you going to tell me there hasn't been one moment since your epic decline that you haven't felt yourself feel good about something?
Sue Sylvester: Well, yes, Will, as a matter of fact, there was... there was one moment. I was driving to work this morning in my LeCar, and Charlene's "I've Never Been To Me" came on the radio. And when it got to the chorus, I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her. And I have to say, it felt really good.
Emma Pillsbury: Sue should join the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: I'm sorry?
Sue Sylvester: No, I'd rather be dead.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. She should join— I mean, you can't join, but she can sit in. Yes. Will. Look, Sue is in a really bad place right now. And you're always talking about the healing power of music. There are studies that show it helps with depression, it elevates mood. I have a pamphlet.
Will Schuester: Uh... Emma, I don't think this is a good idea at all.
Sue Sylvester: I agree with SpongeHair SquareChin. It's a stupid idea.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no. The football team did it for a spell, and that really brought people together. Will, and this is a great chance for you to keep your eye on Sue. You know, make sure the old gal's okay.
Sue Sylvester: Well, you know what, folks? At this point, to alleviate my crippling depression, I'd do anything.



Tina Cohen-Chang: This cannot be happening.
Artie Abrams: This seems like a terrible idea.
Will Schuester: Guys, it's not up for discussion, okay? Now, it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks...
Santana Lopez: I mean, just wanky.
Will Schuester: And I believe she could use a little sympathy from us.
Mercedes Jones: Sympathy? From us? Uh-uh.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable.
Santana Lopez: She got exactly what she deserved.
Sue Sylvester: You're lucky I left my blowgun at home, Airbags, 'cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies.
Will Schuester: Guys, Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks, but she is a proven champion. Now, we could do worse than to have that kindf a winning record in our midst.
Sue Sylvester: Let me break it down for you. I am no longer a threat to you people. All right? I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live. Is that too much to ask?
Will Schuester: Guys, it's settled. Sue's going to be with us for the week. Now... I received an envelope in the mail today. We know that we're facing Kurt and the Warblers at Regionals.
Sue Sylvester: Sweet Porcelain.
Will Schuester: And it looks like this year, we face Aural Intensity again.
Mercedes Jones: They cleaned our clock last year.
Will Schuester: Seems like the governing board has assigned a theme to this year's Regionals, and part of our score will be based upon how well we interpret it. This year's theme— "Anthem." Now, who can tell us what an anthem is?
Brittany S. Pierce: The bottom of an ant's pants.
Will Schuester: So close. So close. No. An anthem is an epic song, filled with a groundswell of emotion that somehow seems bigger than itself. Even bigger than the person performing it.
Sam Evans: Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Sam, I didn't even notice your new haircut.
Sam Evans: Yeah. I've been working on a new image to go with my new one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience.
Quinn Fabray: You've got to be kidding me.
Noah Puckerman: Dude. That haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.
Sue Sylvester: Let her speak.
Sam Evans: Look, laugh all you want, but that kid's an epic talent, and there's a number I've been working on that I've been wanting to show off. And I think it qualifies as an anthem, because it's just hugely emotional, and sums up our generation.
Will Schuester: All right. Let's hear it, buddy.
Sam Evans: # Oh, whoa, whoa #
# Oh, whoa, oh #
# Oh, whoa, whoa #
# You know you love me, I know you care #
# Just shout whenever, and I'll be there #
# You want my love, you want my heart #
# And we will never... #
Tina Cohen-Chang: This is actually a really good song.
Sam Evans: # Ever, ever be apart #
# Are we an item? #
# Girl, quit playing #
# We're just friends? #
# What are you saying? #
# Say there's another, and look right in my eyes #
# My first love broke my heart for the first time #
# And I was like #
# Baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, like, baby, baby, baby, no #
# Like baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, I thought you'd always be mine mine #
# Oh, for you, I would have d #Done whatever #
# And I just can't believe we ain't together #
# And I wanna play it cool #
# But I'm losing you #
# I'll buy you anything #
# I'll buy you any ring #
# And I'm in pieces #
# Baby, fix me #
# And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream #
# I'm going down, down, down, down #
# And I just cant believe #
# My first love won't be around #
# And I'm like, baby, baby, baby #
# Oh, like, baby, baby, baby #
# No, like, baby, baby, baby, oh #
# I thought you'd always be mine #
# I'm gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# Now I'm all gone #
# I'm gone. #
New Directions: Yeah! All right! The Biebster!
Sue Sylvester: I got to get that girl on my Cheerios!



Noah Puckerman: We want in.
Sam Evans: In what?
Artie Abrams: The Justin Bieber Experience. We want in the band.
Sam Evans: But it's a one-man band.
Mike Chang: So expand.
Sam Evans: I don't get it, you guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.
Noah Puckerman: That's because we underestimated the power of the Biebes.
Mike Chang: He's clearly like a mini-god.
Artie Abrams: Look how you made all those chicks melt in Glee Club; now think about the power of four Biebers.
Noah Puckerman: We'd be unstoppable.
Mike Chang: All of our relationships are in the standard post-Valentine's Day lull.



Mike Chang: Are you playing Angry Birds?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Sorry.
Mike Chang: Want me to show you my abs?
Tina Cohen-Chang: If you want to.



Artie Abrams: Here's what happens to the female chemistry. They get a huge shot of endorphins on Valentine's Day, and everything is heightened and so romantic— the problem is, days later, when they come down from their See's candy high, they crash, and everything else, by comparison, is humdrum.
Mike Chang: We need the sugary sweet jolt of the Biebes to get us some action again.
Sam Evans: Why do you want in, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: I'm at the end of my Lauren Zises rope. I'll try anything to get into those enormous pants.
Finn Hudson: Uh, what's going on?
Artie Abrams: We're joining The Justin Bieber Experience, if Sam's cool with it.
Noah Puckerman: And if not, we're starting our own band.
Mike Chang: Bieber Fever.
Finn Hudson: Wait, you-you guys do realize that Justin Bieber sucks, right?
Sam Evans: Quinn seemed to be pretty into him when I was singing in Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: Right, well, I'm gonna spend my time working on songs that aren't geared toward 12-year-olds.
Sam Evans: Good. And then you won't have time to pick up any other guys' girlfriends.
Finn Hudson: Hey... back off, man. I didn't kiss your girlfriend. She saved my life.
Mike Chang: So, what do you say? Are we in?
Sam Evans: Fine. But we need to figure out something to do with Puckerman's hair.



Rachel Berry: Oh, no. No way.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a genius— they have changed my life. I didn't know my arms could be so toasty. You're a hero— you should win some kind of award.
Rachel Berry: What are you doing?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm so sorry, Rachel, it just sort of caught on.
Rachel Berry: I see that, okay? That is not what we agreed upon! I want my allowance back right now!
Brittany S. Pierce: It's already gone. My uncle lost his job, and his goat was going hungry, so... I spent it on food for the goat. I mean, sort of. The goat just ate the money.
Rachel Berry: Okay, the-the only way to proceed is for you to come to school dressed exactly like me.
Brittany S. Pierce: What is that look called?
Rachel Berry: Sexy schoolgirl librarian chic. All right, you'd better get a move on, okay? Kids 'R' Us closes at 6:00 p.m. sharp. Go, Brittany.



Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, L my lust for life is renewed. I have found myself dropped behind enemy lines, poised to destroy the Glee Club from within. Schuester and his guidance counselor Ginger fell for my pity party hook, line and sinker, and now I'm in and ready to sink them, once and for all. Thus begins my plan. I will pit these Glee Clubbers against one another, rupturing the group internally, until it explodes like a ripe zit!
Mercedes Jones: You wanted to see me?
Sue Sylvester: Yes. Mercedes, have a seat. So, I've decided I'm going to sing a song in Glee Club, and I need your advice. Now, as you may know, I have a background in music. For a brief period, I was a tambourine player for Wilson-Phillips. What I need to learn from you is how to be a diva.
Mercedes Jones: Oh. Well, you've definitely come to the right girl. I mean, being a diva is all about attitude, something I know you're not short on. It's all about sassy fingers and shaking that weave and generally, taking no nonsense from nobody.
Sue Sylvester: Dig it, sister.



Rachel Berry: Well, I have to say I'm flattered and shocked that you came to me.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, come, now, "Ra-chelle," it doesn't humble me too much to say I simply need your tutelage.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'll say this— being a diva is all about emotion. In fact, you feel so much emotion that it cannot be physically contained. Sometimes you have to close your eyes and turn your head and push, push your feelings away— they're that big!
Sue Sylvester: Wow. Well, that Mercedes is wrong about you.
Rachel Berry: What... what did she say?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I don't remember the specifics, just something about you're not as talented as you think you are and all your ideas are horrible. I don't know, something like that.



Mercedes Jones: She said what?
Sue Sylvester: Yep. Quote: "Not that talented."



Mercedes Jones: There you are. I heard what you said about me.
Rachel Berry: I heard what you said about me.
Mercedes Jones: Just when I thought we were friends.
Rachel Berry: I guess that will just never happen, will it?
Mercedes Jones: I guess not. You know, there's only one "I" in "diva," Rachel, and that "I" is me. Guess we're just gonna have to settle this the old-fashioned way.
Rachel Berry: Diva-off.
Mercedes Jones: Tomorrow, Glee Club.
Rachel Berry: Why not right now?
Mercedes Jones: 'Cause I have to go get my cross-trainers. Want to know why? I'm gonna be doing some runs.



Finn Hudson: So... Friday night, I figured we'd check out the Sullivan rink. They have ice rink bumper cars.
Quinn Fabray: I told you, I haven't decided what I'm doing yet.
Mercedes Jones: Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?
Will Schuester: All right, looks like the guys here are ready to give us their anthem.
Sam Evans: Everybody, we are the new and improved The Justin Bieber Experience, and we think this song is an anthem because everything Bieber does is epic.
Artie Abrams: Truth.
Sam Evans: Anyway, this song, like all the songs I sing, is for my girlfriend Quinn. Hit it.
Artie Abrams: # Ohhhhh ohoooooo #
# For you, I'd write a symphony #
# I'd tell the violin #
# It's time to sink a swim #
# Watch them play for ya #
Sam Evans: # For you I'd be #
# Runnin' a thousand miles #
# Just get to where you are. #
Artie Abrams: # Step to the beat of my heart #
# I don't need a whole lot #
# But for you I admit I'd #
# Rather give you the world #
# Or we can share mine #
Sam Evans: # I know that I won't be the first one givin' you all this attention #
# Baby listen #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love. #
Sam Evans: # I don't need too much #
# Just need somebody to love #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # Somebody to love #
Sam Evans: # I don't need nothing else. #
# I promise, girl, I swear #
# I just need somebody to love. #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I need somebody #
# I-I need somebody #
# I need somebody #
# I-I need somebody #
Artie Abrams: # Every day #
# I bring the sun around #
# I sweep away the clouds #
# Smile for me #
Sam Evans: # I would take every second, #
# Every single time #
# Spend it like my last dime. #
Artie Abrams: # Step to the beat of my heart. #
# I don't need a whole lot #
# But for you I admit I'd #
# Rather give you the world #
# Or let you share mine #
Sam Evans: # I know I won't be the first one, #
# Givin' you all this attention #
Artie Abrams: # Baby listen! #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love #
Sam Evans: # I don't need too much #
# Just somebody to love. #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # Somebody to love #
Sam Evans: # I don't need nothing else, #
# I promise girl I swear. #
The Justin Bieber Experience: # I just need somebody to love. #
# I need somebody, #
# I-I need somebody, #
# I need somebody, #
# I-I need somebody. #
Sam Evans: # I swear, I just need somebody to love. #
Rachel Berry: Justin Bieber!
Sam Evans: I need a towel.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey!
Quinn Fabray: I... I actually can't do Friday.
Noah Puckerman: Hey, Lauren. So, uh, what'd you think?
Lauren Zizes: Honestly, although my love would crush him, I'm totally turned on by the Biebster. That is, until I remember that he looks like he's 12; then it's sort of creepy. So if I were gonna give C-plus.
Noah Puckerman: Listen, Zises, I'm dying here. You got me every which way, and we both know I'm not the brightest. So, please!— what do I have to do to get with you?
Lauren Zizes: I may have a proposition for you. I'll keep you posted.
Quinn Fabray: Color Me Mine?
Sam Evans: I'll color you yours any day.
Santana Lopez: Mm, Sammy Evans! You are Biebalicious. How are things going with you and Quinn?
Sam Evans: Fine.
Santana Lopez: No, they're not. You and I should, uh, talk soon.



Quinn Fabray: Sam's an artist, Finn.
Finn Hudson: An artist? I guess that's why he's taking you to Color Me Mine.
Quinn Fabray: I told you I needed time to figure out what I was gonna do with Sam, and I did. I choose him.
Finn Hudson: Because of The Justin Bieber Experience?
Quinn Fabray: Look, I thought it was gonna be stupid, too, but he was so... shameless. He just got up there and owned it. It was sexy. I'm sorry, Finn. But like I said, Sam's an artist, and at the end of the day... it really turns me on.



Noah Puckerman: Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you?
Lauren Zizes: Shut it, Puckerman— we're here to talk business.
Noah Puckerman: Sorry.
Lauren Zizes: Okay, I want to do a number for Glee Club. It's stage one of my master plan.
Noah Puckerman: Shibby. So what, you want me to back you up on my ax?
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, but I also need some advice. I'm a little bit nervous about singing in front of a crowd. Up until now, I've only really sung in the steam shower.
Noah Puckerman: Hot. But ridiculous. I mean, you're the most confident chick I know.
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, I know I'm hot melted butter, but singing's different, and I want to be great. Or at least as good as Barry.
Noah Puckerman: I get nervous before I sing, too. But I always overcome. You want to know my secret?
Lauren Zizes: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Oldest trick in the book. Just picture the audience in their underwear.
Lauren Zizes: Even the dudes?
Noah Puckerman: It's not about sex. It's just about seeing the audience as more vulnerable than you. Trust me. It works every time. Can I touch your knockers now?
Lauren Zizes: Only if you want to lose a hand. But you're on your way.



Sue Sylvester: Remember, I want this diva-off to be a bloodbath.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, trust. It's about to go down.
Rachel Berry: You look amazing.
Brittany S. Pierce: I really do.
Rachel Berry: This look has to go viral. Is there any way you can cut class for the rest of the day, just so that you could walk down the halls?
Brittany S. Pierce: Totally. Most teachers think by cutting class, I might improve my grades.
Rachel Berry: Great.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Why are you dressed like that? I thought you weren't into the Biebster.
Finn Hudson: Well, I wasn't, but then somebody told me that Justin Bieber's, like, the king of YouTube with over a billion views. An anthem is supposed to appeal to the masses, right? So before I pick my anthem, I was working on my anthem look.
Will Schuester: Okay, guys and gals! And Sue. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Our next diva-off. So here they are, sure to give us a fantastic anthem, Mercedes and Rachel. Let's give it up!
Rachel Berry: Uh, after much argument, I finally convinced Mercedes that in order to do a proper diva-off, it has to come from the Broadway catalogue. Which I think is safe to say that that gives me a home field advantage, so...
Mercedes Jones: Oh, wellyou're about to get beat on your own turf.
Rachel Berry: Hit it.
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah
Rachel Berry: # Yeah
Mercedes Jones: # Ooh
Rachel Berry: # Every single day
# I walk down the street
# I hear people say
# "Baby's so sweet"
# Ever since puberty
# Everybody stares at me
# Boys, girls
# I can't help it baby
# So be kind
# And don't lose your mind
# Just remember
# That I'm your baby
Mercedes Jones: # Take me for what I am
# Who I was meant to be
Rachel Berry: # And if you give a damn
Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me baby or leave me
Rachel Berry: # Take me baby or leave me
Mercedes Jones: # A tiger in a cage
# Can never see the sun
# This diva needs her stage
# Baby, let's have fun!
# You are the one I choose
# Folks would kill to fill your shoes
# You love the limelight too, now baby
# So be mine
# And don't waste my time
# Cryin', "Oh Honeybear
# Are you still my, my, my baby?"
Rachel Berry: # Take me for what I am
Mercedes Jones: # Who I was meant to be
Mercedes & Rachel: # And if you give a damn
Mercedes Jones: # Take me baby or leave me
# No way, can I be what I'm not
Rachel Berry: # But hey, don't you want your girl hot?
Mercedes Jones: # Don't fight, don't lose your head
Rachel Berry: # ‘Cause every night, who's in your bed?
Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me for what I am
Mercedes Jones: # Who I was meant to be
Rachel Berry: # Who I was meant to be
# And if you give a damn
Mercedes Jones: # And if you give a damn ya better
# Take me baby or leave me
Rachel Berry: # Oh, take me baby or leave me
Mercedes & Rachel: # Take me baby
# Or leave me
# Guess I'm leaving
# I'm gone!
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God. That was so great!
Rachel Berry: No, her. What about her?
Mercedes Jones: Me? No, her.
Will Schuester: You guys, that was awesome!
Sue Sylvester: Hey, where's the hate?
Will Schuester: Not the point of Glee Club, Sue.



Sue Sylvester: I understand you wish to see me.
Will Schuester: Yeah, Sue, I did. I saw how you were in class today. What are you doing tomorrow night? I want to take you somewhere.
Sue Sylvester: No. No. No way. I don't care how depressed I am, I will not date a curly.
Will Schuester: Not on a date, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Still probably not going to go.
Will Schuester: You're interested in making your comeback, right? Well, I think it's important that you see something.



Sue Sylvester: Hate 'em. Hate hospitals, William. That's why I keep voting for those death panels.
Will Schuester: Sue, I know you. You crack jokes whenever you get uncomfortable.
Sue Sylvester: Not really joking, William. And you have a penchant for sappy scenarios set to music, so I demand to know where we're going.
Will Schuester: We're going to the pediatric cancer ward. No, no, no— once a month, I come down here, and I sing songs with some of the kids getting long-term care.
Sue Sylvester: Yep. No.
Will Schuester: No. Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Uh, William... I know what you're getting at. I have been selfish. Yes, I was ridiculed on the national stage, but you're right, that's nothing when you compare it to what many people have to deal with and come back from. I should be grateful. Well, congratulations, I've learned my lesson.
Will Schuester: Then let's celebrate. Let's sing with some kids. Look... you're right. You know, sometimes, Glee Club is a little silly. But we push through the weird to get to the real stuff. I mean, music can get at a part of us that-that's hard to open up to. But please... go there with me. I think it'll be good for you, Sue. No outfits, no jazz hands. Just... music.
Sue Sylvester: Fine. And William, I don't care how adorable those kids are, if I hear one song from that classic rock outfit Journey, I will start pulling catheters.
Will Schuester: Come on. Bailey? Hi, guys!
Bailey: Hi, Will.
Will Schuester: Oh, hey. My man. Hi.
Bailey: Oh, my God, you're Sue Sylvester. I just saw you on TV.
Sue Sylvester: Oh.
Bailey: Hey, guys. This lady was interviewed by Katie Couric.
Sue Sylvester: Holy sweet baby Jesus.
Bailey: What do you say, guys? You ready - to make some music?
Children: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Let's do this thing. Brought my special little guy with me.
Children: Yeah!
Will Schuester: All right! All right, and that's all there is to it. So, does everyone know their parts?
Children: Yes.
Will Schuester: Okay. Sue?
Sue Sylvester: My kids are going to mop the floor with your kids.
Will Schuester: Not a chance. All right, I'm going to sing the first two. And then you guys come in and join me, just like we practiced. All right?
Children: Okay.
Will Schuester: # This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #
Hide it under a bushel. #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Hide it under a bushel? No! #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #
Children: # This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# This little light of mine, #
# I'm gonna let it shine #
# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine #
Will Schuester: Give yourselves a hand. All right. Good job.
Sue Sylvester: I'll never forgive you for this.
Will Schuester: Deal.



Santana Lopez: Look, Q, I know that we've had our differences, but I can't lie— that outfit is amazing on you.
Quinn Fabray: It looks good on everyone. Penny loafers and tights? Genius.
Santana Lopez: Outrageous. I mean, my carousel-horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler, but no, I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. You guys look amazing. Seriously. She's a genius and an icon.
Rachel Berry: Who is?
Quinn Fabray: Brittany. Who did you think?
Santana Lopez: Who knew that taking off that Cheerios uniform would turn her into a fashion institution?
Rachel Berry: Is-Is this a joke?
Santana Lopez: No. That sweater is. Who wears a reindeer sweater?
Rachel Berry: Uh, all three of you.
Tina Cohen-Chang: No, this is a carousel horse.
Quinn Fabray: If you want to know what to wear, just look to Brittany.
Rachel Berry: Look, she took the look from me, okay? I paid her.
Tina Cohen-Chang: You're a terrible liar, Rachel.
Quinn Fabray: I can't believe you would take this away from poor Brittany.
Santana Lopez: It's sad. You're just sad.
Rachel Berry: Hey! I need to talk to you. I want my money back.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I used it to pay a publicist.
Rachel Berry: What?
Brittany S. Pierce: Jacob Ben Israel posted a photo and this Web site called "The Sartorialist" named me the trendiest girl in America.
Rachel Berry: Brittany, I'm trying to stage a comeback here.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, but what exactly are you coming back from?
Rachel Berry: I...
Brittany S. Pierce: Listen, Rachel. I'm gonna give you some tough love right now. You're not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing, they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming. I'm really sorry, but I have to go. I have an interview with Teen Vogue.



Will Schuester: All right! Let's get right down to it. Starting us off and making her New Directions solo debut, Miss Lauren Zizes. Uh, so what are you going to sing for us, Lauren?
Lauren Zizes: Here's how I see it. I know I'm the hottest bitch in this joint. If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the rest of the world a finger, and this would be my national anthem.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Lauren Zizes: Puckerman, grab your guitar. Tina, Brittany, ready? Good. Awesome. Super cool. Okay. Two, three, four.
# I know what boys like
# I know what guys want
# I see them looking
# I make them want me
# I like to tease them
# I know what boys like, boys
# like, boys like me
# I see your sad now
Tina & Brittany: # I will let you
Lauren Zizes: # Sorry I teased you
Tina & Brittany: # I will let you
Lauren Zizes: # This time I mean it
Tina & Brittany: # I will let you
Lauren Zizes: # Anything you want
Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me
Lauren Zizes: # I really want to
Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me
Lauren Zizes: # How would you like it
Tina & Brittany: # You can trust me
Lauren Zizes: # SUCKER!
# Hmmmm
# I got my cat moves #
# That so upset them #
# Zippers and buttons #
# Fun to frustrate them #
# They get so angry #
# Like pouty children #
# Denied their candy #
# I laugh right at them #
# I know what boys like, boys
# like, boys like me
Noah Puckerman: How frickin' hot is she!



Sam Evans: This morning I woke up, and decided to swallow the sun. That's my James Earl Jones impression.
Santana Lopez: First of all, that is offensive; he shot Martin Luther King.
Sam Evans: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Santana Lopez: Okay, you know what? Let's just cut to the chase. Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is, like, way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake, every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork. Which is where I come in. I hereby offer my services as a mistress. I wants on them froggy lips, and I wants on 'em now.
Sam Evans: But I'm dating Quinn.
Santana Lopez: And this just in, she cheated on you.
Sam Evans: No, she didn't.
Santana Lopez: Look, I know you're as dumb as a bag of wet hair, but you know in your heart she's lying. That gumball story was insane. You're choosing to believe it so you can still be with her. But consider my offer. Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can't mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python, but because you have some buzz at this school. Think about it.



Sue Sylvester: Will, you have a problem.
Will Schuester: You?
Sue Sylvester: No. Your Glee kids. They have no comprehension skills. Your assignment was anthems, and I'll be damned as your hairdresser if any 'em sung a single one.
Will Schuester: Sue, are you trying to tell me that you want to perform an anthem?
Sue Sylvester: Well, I'll admit that your little field trip to the house was sad; inspired me a bit. But I'm not gonna go it alone— the whole crew has to sing it with me. And here's the catch: no more Bieber, no hoodies, no pocket Lesbian Bieber hair.
Will Schuester: Well, that can be arranged. What's your song?



Rachel Berry: # Sing it out #
# Boy you've got to see what tomorrow brings #
Finn Hudson: # Sing it out #
# Girl you've got to be what tomorrow needs #
Rachel Berry: # For every time that they want to count you out #
Finn Hudson: # And use your voice #
Rachel Berry: # Uhhh #
Finn Hudson: # Every single time #
Finn & Rachel: # You open up your mouth #
New Directions: # Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls #
# Every time that you lose it sing it for the world #
# Sing it from the heart #
# Sing it 'til you're nuts #
# Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts #
# Sing it for the deaf #
# Sing it for the blind #
# Sing about everyone that you left behind #
# Sing it for the world, sing it for the world #
# Cleaned-up, corporation progress #
# Dying in the process #
# Buy yourself the motivation #
# Generation nothing, #
# Nothing but a dead scene #
# Product of a white dream #
# I am not the singer that you wanted, but a dancer #
# I refuse to answer, talk about the past, sir #
# Wrote it for the ones who want to get away #
Finn Hudson: # Keep running! #
New Directions: # Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls #
# Every time that you lose it sing it for the world #
# Sing it from the heart #
# Sing it 'til you're nuts #
# Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts #
# Sing it for the deaf #
# Sing it for the blind #
# Sing about everyone that you left behind #
# Sing it for the world, sing it for the world #
Rachel Berry: # We’ve got to see what tomorrow brings #
New Directions: # Sing it for the world #
# Sing it for the world #
Rachel Berry: # Boy you've got to be what tomorrow needs #
New Directions: # Sing it for the world #
# Sing it for the world #
Will Schuester: Yeah!



Quinn Fabray: Hey. Do you think I could borrow one of your T-shirts to use as a smock tonight, at Color Me Mine? Kind of have a thing for wearing my boyfriend's shirts.
Sam Evans: We're not going to Color Me Mine. And I'm not your boyfriend.
Quinn Fabray: Wait... Why?
Sam Evans: Because you can't look me in the eye right now and tell me that you didn't make out with Finn.
Quinn Fabray: I want to be with you, Sam.
Sam Evans: Forget it, okay? No harm, no foul. Oel ngati kameie. Crap. Santana told me to stop speaking Na'vi.
Quinn Fabray: Since when is Santana telling you what to do?
Sam Evans: Since we started going out.


# I thought you'd always be mine... #
# I'm gone #


Mercedes Jones: When did that happen?
Will Schuester: All right, I hate to say it, but I think we all owe Sue a big thank-you. She may hate us, but she did give us a kick-butt song for Regionals.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah, she did!
Will Schuester: That's right.
Mercedes Jones: That's right.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I think that our admiration for Coach Sylvester might just be a little premature. While I love My Ehemical Romance and I think we all kicked butt on that number, as our team leader and arbiter of all that is good, I... I have to say that I don't think that that song is good enough for Regionals. The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their, like, one-two punch, and Aural Intensity kicked our butt last year. We can't just do any song to beat either of those teams.
Mercedes Jones: You mean a number where you don't get to sing the entire song.
Rachel Berry: Guys, this isn't about me.
Will Schuester: What do you suggest, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: We need to need to be bold and epic. We need to write our own original music for Regionals. We need an undisputable advantage.
Santana Lopez: Check out Dwarf Diane Warren.
Rachel Berry: Look, we can't lose Regionals again this year, you guys. Okay? You have to trust me. I feel really, really strongly about this.
Will Schuester: Let's put it to a vote. Okay, Rachel? All those in favor of doing an original song. Chemical Romance?
Sue Sylvester: Hey, there, buddy.
Will Schuester: Sue! You know, I have to be honest, we missed you in here today. Oddly, you're, uh, kind of a fun addition.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, well, Charles Manson would have been a fun addition to your pack of losers.
Will Schuester: Well, looks like you're back to your old self.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, hardly. I'm on my way to becoming someone much better. And you've inspired me, Will. You've made me realize I have more to offer the world than coming up with spectacular, life-threatening cheerleading tumbles. I got the music in me.
Will Schuester: Sue, that is great. I mean, with that attitude, you are welcome in here anytime.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I couldn't do that; it'd be spying on the competition.
Will Schuester: What?
Sue Sylvester: No one told you? I got a part-time gig. Yeah, I'm the new coach for Aural Intensity.
Will Schuester: That's impossible.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, nothing's impossible, Will, when you have a positive attitude. You taught me that. Isn't it great? Geez, I got my mojo back, still get to dedicate my life to destroying yours. Life's good. See you at Regionals.



Rachel Berry: You must be happy.
Finn Hudson: Why is that?
Rachel Berry: Quinn is back on the market. She'll be easy pickings after what Sam did to her.
Finn Hudson: I don't want to talk about Quinn. I want to talk about you. You were right in there today about that number not being good enough to win. We need to write our own songs.
Rachel Berry: Why didn't you say that when I needed you?
Finn Hudson: It wouldn't have made a difference. The only way to prove it to those guys is to write a great song and shove it down their throats.
Rachel Berry: Well, do you think that you and I should do it together?
Finn Hudson: No, I think you should do it yourself. Let's face it, you're the real trendsetter in there, and... if someone was gonna write a song to win Regionals, it would be you.
Rachel Berry: Do you really believe in me that much?
Finn Hudson: More. You know... I really like the Rachel that I saw in there today. Reminded me of the old you. Focused and take no prisoners. I think she might be making a comeback.
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214. Blame It on the Alcohol

放送日:2011年2月22日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Quinn was dating Sam, but then she kissed Finn, so Santana told Sam, and now they've started dating.
Santana Lopez: You are Biebalicious.
Ian Brennan: Will's not dating anyone and says he's over Emma, but it seems like he's still got a thing for her, even though she's married. Kurt's really into Blaine, and Blaine likes Kurt, but he says he just wants to stay friends. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: Figgins, you wanted to see me?
Principal Figgins: William, we have an epidemic on our hands.
Will Schuester: Head lice?
Principal Figgins: Worse. Giggle juice.
Will Schuester: I-I'm sorry. What?
Principal Figgins: Alcohol, William. The wet devil. Our children are so brazen, they are showing up to school wasted. And not wasted on learning, Will. Wasted on booze. Why, just this week, we've had five suspensions for intoxication on school grounds.
Drunk Kid: Figgins! You rock! Yeah, man!
Principal Figgins: Six suspensions.
Will Schuester: I-I don't get it. Drinking's never been a problem at this school.
Principal Figgins: That's because there are new alcoholic beverages targeted to kids, Will. Just listen to the radio. Pop music now glorifies binge drinking. Just listen to any hit by pop sensation Ke-dollar-sign-ha.
Will Schuester: Oh. You-You mean Ke$ha?
Principal Figgins: We must do something to protect our children, Will.
Will Schuester: I-I totally agree. How-How can I help?
Principal Figgins: I have decided to make this week Alcohol Awareness Week at McKinley. I have contacted Kitty Dukakis, who will be the guest speaker at an assembly where your Glee Club will perform a song highlighting the dangers of teenage drinking. Can I count on you, William?



Will Schuester: Emma?
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: Enough with us not being friends. Look, I heard through the grapevine that you and Carl started looking for a tract house together, and I just wanted to say that I'm genuinely happy for you.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you. That's really sweet.
Will Schuester: Two-slicer.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you want to catch up?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Sure.
Emma Pillsbury: How have you been?
Will Schuester: Busy. Yeah. Glee Club's gearing up for Regionals...
Emma Pillsbury: I, um, love hearing about the Glee Club, but I'm actually more interested in you. You know, how you're doing.
Will Schuester: Me? Uh...
Emma Pillsbury: Are you dating anybody?
Will Schuester: No.
Emma Pillsbury: No? Maybe you should.
Sue Sylvester: You know, Ella, I think Will should really concentrate on his treatment before he tries another relationship with an early hominid, even a human female.
Will Schuester: Treatment?
Sue Sylvester: Alcoholics Anonymous, Will. I suggest you pre-emptively check into rehab, as you are a future alcoholic. I mean, come on. Look where you are. You're coaching a Glee Club that can only beat choirs of old people. You're rehashing the details of your failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances. And when my Glee Club crushes you at Regionals, well, the last ounce of meaning will drain from your life, and you will turn to drink.
Emma Pillsbury: I don't get it. How is it that you're now coaching a Glee Club?
Sue Sylvester: I was so inspired by my stint in the Glee Club, that I took the trip to Westvale, and I volunteered my help. Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual who coaches Aural Intensity had a terrible fall down the stairs.



Rick Denham: I'm okay. Don't worry.



Sue Sylvester: Not to be alarmed. Doctors say he will be fine. Provided they can get the swelling in his brain under control.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, sorry. I still don't understand. How can the school let you coach Aural Intensity?
Sue Sylvester: Newsflash, Amelda. There's no one lining up to coach Glee Clubs because it's a sucky job for losers. But there was an opening, and I am a champion. Oh, Will. Here's the book by Bill W., outlining the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't wait for you to start climbing those steps, because when you get to the top, I'm gonna knock you back down.



Noah Puckerman: What's up, my hot, little Jewish-American Princess?
Rachel Berry: What do you want, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: Well, word on the street is that your dads are out of town, and you're all alone in your house.
Rachel Berry: They are on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise. Was that... Who told you that?
Noah Puckerman: This is the kind of information a guy like me tends to know. So, uh, party this Saturday? I'll bring the beer ball. That's a mini-keg.
Rachel Berry: Forget it.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, come on. Just the Glee kids. We're losing our minds, all stressed about Sectionals and stuff.
Rachel Berry: Regionals. Besides, you just want a place to have sex and get drunk.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah. There's a word for that. A party.
Rachel Berry: No. No. No. My-My-My dads, they left me alone in my house because they trusted me to be responsible.
Noah Puckerman: They left you alone 'cause you suck and are a total bore.
Finn Hudson: Hey.
Noah Puckerman: Yo.
Finn Hudson: How's the song- writing going?
Rachel Berry: Hey. It's going amazing. I think I might have a really big hit here, which is why I wanted you to come by. I-I want you to hear it.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Yeah. Cool.
Rachel Berry: Come here.
Finn Hudson: What was that for?
Rachel Berry: To break the tension. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn. It's silly for us to pretend like we aren't comfortable around each other.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Totally.
Rachel Berry: And I know that we have some unresolved feelings, but like my two new role models Carole King and Gerry Goffin, I think it's important that we just put them aside and stay focused on our mission which is just to write an amazing song to win Regionals with.
Finn Hudson: Well, I have no idea who those people are, but I'm on board. Let's hear it.
Rachel Berry: Okay. It's just... It's a little rough, but, uh... I think it's really special, so...
# There you rest #
# With all the rest #
# Of my accessories on my night stand #
# You're red or yellow #
# And like a good fellow #
# Sometimes you get lost in my mess #
# But when schoolgirl pigtails won't do, #
# And I need to control my 'do, #
# You're the only one I can count on #
# My headband #
# You're my headband #
# Wrapped right around my melon #
# You're a product like Magellan.... #
Finn Hudson: Hold... Hold on. Uh... Is this song about your headband?
Rachel Berry: Yes. It's called, "My Headband."
Finn Hudson: Right.
Rachel Berry: They say you should write about what you know.
Finn Hudson: Well, uh... It's really... interesting, but it's not... emotional or, like, good.
Rachel Berry: It sucks.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: How am I supposed to write a song like Joni Mitchell or Carole King? They've lived.
Finn Hudson: Well, maybe if you want to be an artist like them, you should do a little living.
Rachel Berry: You're so right. I mean, even now, it-it's Alcohol Awareness Week, and we're supposed to sing songs about the dangers of drinking, and I've never even had a drink.
Finn Hudson: Wait, seriously? That's why I never got past second base. Wait. Where are you going?
Rachel Berry: To find Puckerman. You know, my journey from little princess to natural woman begins this Saturday night at my house.



Santana Lopez: That sounds awful. Is anybody going?
Brittany S. Pierce: Let me find out. Did you hear?
Artie Abrams: Yes. Mercedes just told me.
Mercedes Jones: Tell them I'll go if they go.
Artie Abrams: Tell them yourself. I ain't no pony express.
Mercedes Jones: You're going, right?
Santana Lopez: Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober.
Brittany S. Pierce: But it's Alcohol Awareness Week.
Santana Lopez: Precisely. And I am aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: You're go for Puck.
Santana Lopez: Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friend score us some wine coolers?
Noah Puckerman: No, but his I.D. can.
Mercedes Jones: Well, if we're all in, it's settled. The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is officially a go.



Rachel Berry: Welcome. Kurt. Blaine. I wasn't expecting you guys.
Finn Hudson: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. He kind of insisted on coming.
Blaine Anderson: I'm totally off the clock right now, Rachel. I'm not a Warbler. I'm just Blaine. I'm not even wearing my uniform.
Kurt Hummel: So, this is your dads' Oscar Room.
Rachel Berry: Yes. They transformed our ordinary basement for our famous annual Oscar parties.
Blaine Anderson: Is that a stage?
Rachel Berry: I like to give impromptu performances for our neighbors sometimes. Hey, girlfriend. Having fun?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Awesome party.
Rachel Berry: Uh, okay. Let's, uh... Let's go over the rules. Everybody gets two drink tickets to keep things from getting out of hand. We're serving wine coolers today. That is our specialty drink. That's actually all that we have. Brittany! Remember the rules. No sitting on anything. Okay. Okay, everybody. Cheers!
Artie Abrams: Great party, Rachel. We got to run.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, dinner reservations.
Rachel Berry: But, but, but we haven't even played Celebrity yet. I... Why is everybody leaving?
Finn Hudson: Because this party blows.
Rachel Berry: I haven't even had my first sip yet. How am I supposed to write "Both Sides Now" if I can't even throw a party?
Noah Puckerman: Look, if you want everyone to stay, you have to let me break into your dads' liquor cabinet. No one's gonna get buzzed off two wine coolers. I'll replace it before they get home.
Rachel Berry: Let's party!



Far East Movement: # Poppin' bottles in the ice #
# Like a blizzard #
# Now I'm feeling so fly #
# Like a G6 #
Mike Chang: Let's go!
Far East Movement: # Like a G6 #
# Like a G6 #
# Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6 #
# Give me that Mo-Moet-et #
# Give me that Cri-Cristal-tal #
Noah & Zizes: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Far East Movement: # Ladies love my style #
# My table getting wild, get get get them bottles poppin' #
# We get that drip and that drop #
Rachel Berry: It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink!
Far East Movement: # Sober girls around me #
# They be acting like they drunk #
# They be acting like they drunk #
# Acting, acting like they drunk, with sober girls #
Kurt Hummel: Are you not drinking?
Finn Hudson: No. Designated driver. What about you?
Kurt Hummel: I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. Clearly, he doesn't have the same concern.
Blaine Anderson: Hey! It is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Right? Like, brothers! Wow! You're so tall.
Kurt Hummel: You having fun, Blaine?
Blaine Anderson: Yeah. This is the best party ever!
Rachel Berry: Finny. Dance with me.
Far East Movement: # Fly like a G6 #
Rachel Berry: We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I would do anything for you. Anything!
Finn Hudson: Okay, Rachel. Since this is your first time at this...
Rachel Berry: Sit down?
Finn Hudson: I'm going to break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A— Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.
Santana Lopez: You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit it. Just admit it! No. Kiss me.
Finn Hudson: Lauren Zizes and Quinn— the anger girl drunks.
Quinn Fabray: I can't believe what you did to my body. I used to have abs.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, back off!
Lauren Zizes: Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?
Noah Puckerman: Chill out!
Finn Hudson: Brittany, also known as the girl who turns into a stripper drunk.
Artie Abrams: Makin' it rain! Whoo! That's my girlfriend. I love you, baby.
Finn Hudson: Mercedes and Tina— happy girl drunks.
Mike Chang: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Finn Hudson: And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now, you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.
Far East Movement: # Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6... #
Rachel Berry: What-What kind of girl is this?
Far East Movement: # Now-Now-Now-Now-Now-Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6... #
Rachel Berry: Let's play spin the bottle! Who wants to play spin the bottle? Spin the bottle.
Far East Movement: # Feelin' so fly like a G6. #



Santana Lopez: You know what? A reminder. I owns that guppy mouth. Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me. So... You know what this is not? Hey, honeys. It's not a Big Red commercial. No me gusta.
Rachel Berry: Whoo! Party! It's my turn! My turn! Oh!
Kurt Hummel: Oh! This is outstanding!
Rachel Berry: Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world.
All: Yeah! Oh! Deep! Deep! More! More! More! More! More! More!
Josie Cotton: # Johnny, are you queer, boy? #
# Johnny, are you queer... #
Kurt Hummel: Okay, I think we've had enough of that.
All: Yeah!
Rachel Berry: Your face... tastes awesome. I think I just found a new duet partner!
Blaine Anderson: # You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, #
# When I met you. #
# I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around, #
# Turned you into someone new. #
# Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I can't believe it #
# When I hear that you won't see me #
# Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I don't believe it #
# When you say that you don't need me #
Rachel & Blaine: # It's much too late to find. #
# You think you've changed your mind. #
# You'd better change it back, or we will both be sorry. #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
# Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
# Don't you want me, ohh #
Rachel Berry: # I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. #
# That much is true, #
# But even then I knew I'd find a much better place #
# Either with or without you. #
Rachel & Blaine: # Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I can't believe it #
# When you say that you don't need me. #
# It's much too late to find. #
# When you think you've changed your mind, #
# You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
Santana Lopez: I want you. I do. #
Rachel & Blaine: # Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
Blaine Anderson: # Ohh #
Rachel & Blaine: # Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #



Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt, come give me a hand with these eggs.
Kurt Hummel: I'll be down in a minute!
Burt Hummel: What the hell is a shirred egg? Is that... Is that the same thing as a scrambled egg? Hey, what's this? Today was the day you were going to teach me all about brunch.
Kurt Hummel: I'll be down in a sec.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, where am I?
Burt Hummel: Oh. Uh, I'm sorry. My bad.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I need to close my locker, and it's going to sound like a gunshot.
Mercedes Jones: I have had the worst hangover since Saturday, and it's Monday.
Santana Lopez: I've been dry-heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was, I said that I was practicing bird calls.
Mike Chang: You guys, I can't stop barfing.
Mercedes Jones: Please don't say "barf."
Santana Lopez: I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girls' bathroom.
Mike Chang: I told my mom I had the flu, and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Can we talk about anything else?
Artie Abrams: How about some Bloody Marys, y'all?
Mercedes Jones: Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is drink.
Artie Abrams: It'll help your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit your ass.
# Blame it on the goose, #
# Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Eh, she say she usually don't #
# But I know that she front #
# Cause shawty know what she want #
# But she don't wanna seem like she's easy. #
Noah Puckerman: # I ain't saying what you won't do #
# But you know we probably gonna do #
# What you been feelin' deep insi-i-ide #
# Don't li-i-i.e. now #
Mercedes Jones: # Boy what you drinking? #
# Gonna let sink in #
# Here for the weekend #
# Thinking #
# We can #
# See where we can be if we press fast forward #
Santana Lopez: # Ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # Just one more round and you're down, I know it #
Santana Lopez: # Ooh yeah, yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fill another cup up #
# Feeling on your butt what? #
# You don't even care now #
# I was unaware how #
# Fine you was before my buzz set in #
Mercedes Jones: # My buzz set in #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the goose, #
Mercedes Jones: # Blame it on the goose #
Artie Abrams: # Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the vodka, #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the henny. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the blue top, #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Got you feeling dizzy. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes & Artie: # Now to the ballas poppin' bottles #
# With their henny in their cups #
# Screaming money ain't a thing #
# If you ain't throw it up #
Artie Abrams: # In the sky #
Mercedes Jones: # In the sky #
Artie Abrams: # And hold your drinks up high #
Mercedes Jones: # Up high #
Noah & Santana: # To my independent mamas #
# Who can buy their own bottles #
# If you looking like a model #
# When them broke fellas holla #
Artie Abrams: # Tell them bye #
Mercedes Jones: # Buh-bye #
Artie Abrams: # Hold your drinks up high #
Mercedes Jones: # High #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the goose, #
# Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the vodka, #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the henny. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Mercedes & Artie: # Blame it on the blue top, #
New Directions: # Hey #
Mercedes & Artie: # Got you feeling dizzy. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes & Artie: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Will Schuester: Well done, you guys. I mean, you always bring it with the singing and the dancing, but what I was really impressed with today was your acting. I truly thought that some of you guys were drunk.
Artie Abrams: We take our craft serious.
Will Schuester: Problem is, that song is great, but it-it kind of glorifies drinking, don't you think? We're supposed to sing about the dangers of alcohol for this assembly.
Mercedes Jones: Well, good luck finding a song that does that.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue? First of all, that vest is very cute. You are all kinds of awesome. But second, maybe there's really no songs about the dangers of drinking because there's really none as long as you have a proper designated driver. I ever told you how great you are?
Mike Chang: Whoa.
Will Schuester: Well, Rachel, yeah. Driving drunk is dangerous. And have you guys ever heard of alcohol poisoning? Yeah, it kills about 400 people every year. Uh... Santana, are you... are you crying?
Santana Lopez: I'm okay. I'm okay.
Quinn Fabray: You're such a hypocrite. You drink. Most adults do.
Will Schuester: Well, I may have a beer every now and then, but I don't... I don't get drunk.
Noah Puckerman: We're just saying this is a waste of time. I mean, we're totally aware of alcohol. We see adults drinking it and having fun. Every commercial during NASCAR is for beer.
Will Schuester: Okay. Enough, guys. Look, tomorrow come with your thinking caps on, because we're going to spend the entire day brainstorming ideas for songs to sing at this assembly.



Will Schuester: Am I out of touch? I mean, I used to drink a lot more when I was their age. Most of the time it was just to deal with Terri, but I mean, who am I to tell them not to drink when I blacked out a couple of times when I was their age, and I ended up okay?
Shannon Beiste: You're taking this way too hard. Something else going on?
Will Schuester: Let's see. Um... my divorce is starting to really sink in. Sue's coaching my competition at Regionals. And Emma is looking for a house with her husband.
Shannon Beiste: Is that all? What do you do for stress relief?
Will Schuester: Exercise.
Shannon Beiste: Well, me, too, but that's a little too close to being productive. You got to get a little ridiculous, man, burn off some of that angst.
Will Schuester: You have any suggestions?
Shannon Beiste: Tomorrow night, you're tagging along with me for my stress relief. We're going to a little place they call Rosalita's Roadhouse.
Will Schuester: Isn't that like a honky-tonk bar?
Shannon Beiste: You ain't lived till you've seen me in a... cowboy hat!



Carol King: # So far away #
# Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? #
Blaine Anderson: I didn't drink that much.
Kurt Hummel: Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God. Speak of the devil.
Barista: Two medium drips.
Blaine Anderson: Hi, Rachel. Kurt and I were just talking about you.
Rachel Berry: You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants. So... I have a question for you. I wanted to know...
Kurt Hummel: Is she drunk?
Blaine Anderson: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Uh, yeah. Uh-huh. All right, I'll see you then. Okay, bye. Rachel just asked me out.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, that's amazing. She's got a girl crush on you. Wait a second. Why'd you say yes? You can't lead her on.
Blaine Anderson: Who says I'm leading her on?
Kurt Hummel: You can't be serious.
Blaine Anderson: When we kissed, it... it felt good.
Kurt Hummel: It felt good because you were drunk.
Blaine Anderson: What's the harm in going out on one crummy little date?
Kurt Hummel: You're gay, Blaine!
Blaine Anderson: I... thought I was, but... I've never even had a boyfriend before. Isn't this the time you're supposed to... figure stuff out?
Kurt Hummel: I can't believe that I'm hearing this right now.
Blaine Anderson: Maybe I'm bi. I don't know.
Kurt Hummel: Bisexual's a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.
Blaine Anderson: Whoa, wait, wait. Why are you so angry?
Kurt Hummel: Because I look up to you. I admire how proud you are of who you are. I know what it's like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in.
Blaine Anderson: I'm really sorry if this hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever, but however confusing it might be for you, it's actually a lot more confusing for me. You're 100% sure who you are. Fantastic. Well... maybe we all can't be so lucky.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I have... I've had a lot of luck, Blaine. I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me.
Blaine Anderson: And why did he do that?
Kurt Hummel: Because he didn't like who I was.
Blaine Anderson: Sort of exactly what you're saying to me right now. Isn't it? I am... I'm searching, okay? I am honestly just trying to figure out who I am, and for you, of all people, to get down on me for that, I didn't think that's who you were. I'll see you. I'd say "bye," but I wouldn't want to make you angry.



Jerrod Niemann: # Last night I #
# Went to town #
# Hit every bar around #
# A hundred bottles of beer on the wall #
# I thought I could drink 'em all... #
Will Schuester: Whoo!
Guitarist: I wanna welcome everybody to Rosalita's Roadhouse, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous. A, uh, special warm welcome to Will Schuester, joining us here for the first time tonight. My friend Shannon the Cannon here tells me Will wants to hop up on stage and sing us a song. Come on up here, cowboy.
All: Whoo!
Will Schuester: I hate you for this. You know, you know, I-I am not singing anything without my gal here. Come on, bring her a microphone, bring her a microphone.
# I wanna tell you a story #
# About the house-man blues #
# I come home on Friday #
# Had to tell the landlady I’d-a lost my job #
Shannon Beiste: # Uh um #
# She said, that don’t confront me, #
# Long as I get my money next Friday #
Will Schuester: # Now next Friday come I didn’t get the rent #
# And out the door I went #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #
Will Schuester: # Well I ain’t seen my baby since I don’t know when, #
# I’ve been drinking bourbon, whiskey, scotch and gin #
# Gonna get high man I’m gonna get loose, #
# Need me a triple shot of that juice #
# Gonna get drunk don’t you have no fear #
# I want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer, HAH! #
Shannon Beiste: # I ain’t seen my baby since the night before last #
# Gotta get a drink man I’m gonna get gassed #
# Gonna get high man I ain’t had enough #
# Need me a triple shot of that stuff #
# Gonna get drunk won’t you listen right here #
# I want one bourbon, one shot and one beer #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #
Will Schuester: # I want all that! #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #
Will Schuester: Whoo!
Shannon Beiste: Yeah, baby!
Will Schuester: Drinks on me!



Rachel Berry: Thanks for helping with the party cleanup. Especially considering that you didn't even drink.
Kurt Hummel: Well, I was in the neighborhood.
Rachel Berry: At 10:00? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, was that tonight?
Rachel Berry: Look, we're friends, so... I'm gonna be honest with you. The date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters.
Kurt Hummel: That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?
Rachel Berry: No. Our lips spent the evening mouthing Ali McGraw's dialogue. Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but... I guess the timing just wasn't right.
Kurt Hummel: Or the blood-alcohol level.
Rachel Berry: Look... I know that you have feelings for him, and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted, and if he turns out not to be gay, well, then I guess I will have done you a favor.
Kurt Hummel: And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only thmost flaming of homosexuals.
Rachel Berry: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt Hummel: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger— I don't dispute that— but there's something you and Blaine'll never have... and that's chemistry.
Rachel Berry: Fine. Then I'm gonna prove you wrong. I'm gonna take the beer goggles off, and I'm gonna kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there, then I'm taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie.



Shannon Beiste: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, easy, partner.
Will Schuester: Can I get you something to drink?
Shannon Beiste: Oh, no, no, no, no. Taxi's waiting.
Will Schuester: All right. H-H-How are you not drunk? We drank exactly the same amount.
Shannon Beiste: I got a hollow leg.
Will Schuester: You got a hollow leg!
Shannon Beiste: You gonna be okay?
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Shannon Beiste: Yeah?
Will Schuester: I just... just got to grade some papers and... I'm still looking for a song for the kids to sing at the Alcohol Awareness Assembly.
Shannon Beiste: Oh...
Will Schuester: Yes, uh... The kids want to sing a Ke$ha song... but, uh, it just makes drinking seem like a lot of fun.
Shannon Beiste: Sometimes it is fun.
Will Schuester: Exactly. Like tonight. That's the most fun I've had in a really long time. I mean, we were careful.
Shannon Beiste: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: We didn't drive.
Shannon Beiste: Mm, yeah.
Will Schuester: What's wrong with that?
Shannon Beiste: Nothin'.
Will Schuester: Nothin's wrong with that.
Shannon Beiste: Except we're not teenagers anymore, Will. You know? The way I see it, you can't just lecture kids. I mean, we can't stop them from drinking if that's what they're gonna do. I mean, the best we can do is make them aware of the dangers and just... hope they're smart enough to make a good decision on their own. Nut. All right, buddy, I'm out of here.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Shannon Beiste: Don't get up.
Will Schuester: I'm not...
Shannon Beiste: All right, hey.
Will Schuester: Yes?
Shannon Beiste: You just make sure you drink lots of water. Okay?
Will Schuester: Mwa!
Shannon Beiste: I love you.
Will Schuester: Right back at you.



Will Schuester: Yay, happy face. Okay. That was a valiant effort. You get a A-plus. That's how I roll. I don't even know who you are. Oh, what the hell? Hey, there... sexy lady. I know it's late. And... I know you're taken, and I've had a couple drinks, but... there's something I r-really, really want to say to you.



Principal Figgins: William! Can't wait to see what your New Directions are planning for the assembly. I know we've had issues with your kids performing in front of the school, but I have a really good feeling about this one.
Will Schuester: Why are you screaming?
Principal Figgins: I'm not screaming. Are you okay?
Will Schuester: Oh... wow, your cologne is just really strong.
Principal Figgins: It's Drakar Noir!
Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Ooh... Will, you look terrible.
Will Schuester: Considering how much I drank, I think I'm lucky to be alive. Although I kind of wish I was dead. I am so embarrassed.
Emma Pillsbury: Why? I mean, besides the fact that you drank like a frat boy and you're well into your 30's.
Will Schuester: Please don't make me say it.
Emma Pillsbury: Sorry?
Will Schuester: I don't even remember half the things I said to you.
Emma Pillsbury: I-I'm not following.
Will Schuester: I-I drunk-dialed you last night.
Emma Pillsbury: No, you didn't. I mean, I didn't get a single message. What would you have said that you'd be embarrassed about?
Will Schuester: Nothing. I-I-I... This must have been a really elaborate, uh, booze dream, yeah.
Sue Sylvester: It's time, Will. I've arranged to have you committed for 48 hours, and it's not gonna be easy. Those state institutions tend to turn the fire hose on patients going through the D.T.'s, but at this point, I have no other option but a forced intervention.
Will Schuester: Sue, I do not have a drinking problem.
Sue Sylvester: Really? Then what's with the Corey Hart imitation? Will, I'm trying to save you.
Will Schuester: Why? All you ever want to do is destroy me.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, it's kind of like nursing a P.O.W. back to health so he's at his strongest when you torture him to death. All right, Will, you had your chance to do this the easy way.



Kurt Hummel: Souffle is all about the whites. If you get yolk in it or you don't let it stiffen properly then you might as well be making pancakes.
Burt Hummel: All right. You think the one we already made is ready yet?
Kurt Hummel: I hope so.
Burt Hummel: All right, let's check it out. Here we go. Ta-da.
Kurt Hummel: You didn't leave enough room in the dish to let it rise.
Burt Hummel: Hey, I'm sorry— why are you being so hard on me? I would've been happy with you teaching me to make toast.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Dad, I know this is supposed to be bonding time, but... it's Blaine. He's interested... in Rachel.
Burt Hummel: I'm confused; I thought he was gay, too.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, he is, he is. He's just... experimenting.
Burt Hummel: Yeah. He's not the only one.
Kurt Hummel: What does that mean?
Burt Hummel: Look, I need you to ask me before you have someone sleep over.
Kurt Hummel: We-we were fullylothed the entire time, and Blaine was too drunk to drive, so I let him crash here. I was being responsible.
Burt Hummel: Wait a minute, you kids are drinking now?
Kurt Hummel: Finn and I didn't have any. If that's what you're worried about.
Burt Hummel: No. I'm worried about you being inappropriate in my house.
Kurt Hummel: And if Puckerman had a sleepover with Finn, would that be inappropriate?
Burt Hummel: That's different.
Kurt Hummel: Because they wouldn't have sex?
Burt Hummel: No, I would never allow Finn to have a girl sleep over in his bed.
Kurt Hummel: But would it make you uncomfortable if he did?
Burt Hummel: Hey, when have I been uncomfortable with you being gay?
Kurt Hummel: So it's not being gay that upsets you, it's just me acting on it.
Burt Hummel: I don't know what two guys do when they're together. You know, I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.
Kurt Hummel: Okay. What do you want from me here, Dad? I...
Burt Hummel: I want you to apologize for being inappropriate and promise me you'll never do it again.
Kurt Hummel: Fine. I'm sorry. I won't have sleepovers with anyone that might be gay without asking you first.
Burt Hummel: Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: But maybe you could step outside your comfort zone and educate yourself, so if I have any questions, I could go to my dad, like any straight son could.



Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. I would like to wish you and yours a healthy and happy Alcohol Awareness Week. Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest, but Lima Police Chief Lawrence Krowley is here to show you a grisly slideshow of auto accidents. Take it away, Chief.
Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her music justice.
Sam Evans: We haven't had enough rehearsal.
Mercedes Jones: Or any at all.
Finn Hudson: And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.
Rachel Berry: Never fear, teammates. Now, it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dads' liquor cabinet. There's some brandy and vermouth and port wine and scotch in here, and also a little bit of Kool-Aid and some crumbled-up Oreos.
Santana Lopez: Oh, my God. This tastes like cough syrup.
Rachel Berry: There's also cough syrup.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cheers.
Rachel Berry: To Ke$ha.
Quinn Fabray: Cheers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Ke$ha.
Principal Figgins: Thank you, Chief. And now, performing the hit single, "Tik and also Tok" by rapper Ke-dollar-sign-ha, the New Directions.
Brittany S. Pierce: # Wake up in the morning, feelin' like P. Diddy #
Artie Abrams: # Hey, what up girl? #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city #
Artie Abrams: # Let's go! #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack #
# 'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back #
# I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes #
# Tryin' on all our clothes, clothes #
# Boys blowing up our phones, phones #
# Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs #
# Pulling up to the parties #
# Trying to get a little bit tipsy #
# Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# 'Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
# Oh, woah, who, oh oh, woah, who, oh #
# Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# 'Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
I don't feel good.
Rachel Berry: Power through it!
Brittany S. Pierce: # Oh, woah, oh, oh #
# You build me up #
# You break me down #
# My heart, it pounds #
# Yeah, you got me #
# With my hands up #
# You got me now #
# You got that sound #
# Yeah, you got me #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, ohh #
Brittany S. Pierce: # You build me up #
Mercedes & Brittany: # You break me down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # My heart, it pounds #
# Yeah, you got me #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, ohh #
Brittany S. Pierce: # With my hands up #
# Put your hands up #
# Put your hands up #
# Now the party don't start 'til I walk in #
Mercedes & Brittany: # Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
# Oh, woah, oh, oh #
Oh, my God. Everybody, drink responsibly.



Becky Jackson: Heads up, McKinley. Coach Sylvester's gonna shout at ya.
Sue Sylvester: Students, colleagues, indeed, all who understand the Queen's English... we all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly by a Glee Club spiraling out of control. My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit. And there is, simply, but one person to blame. The alcoholic teen-vomit fetishist Will Schuester, the director of that club. Two days ago, I received a drunk dial in the middle of the night from a horny Will Schuester.
Will Schuester: Oh, no.
Sue Sylvester: Open your ears, McKinley High, and behold the awful price of alcoholism.
Will Schuester: Hey there, sexy lady. There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves, and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers, and come over here? And it'll be just one night of us just getting crazy. Let's just get crazy! Let's get really crazy and roll around in the hay. I was just in some hay earlier tonight, and I rode a bull and I was thinking of you.
Sue Sylvester: Will Schuester? You've just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery, it's the very first step.



Noah Puckerman: Probably gonna get suspended.
Will Schuester: I think you'll definitely get suspended. You'll probably all get suspended.
Santana Lopez: Oh, you're one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-ton.
Principal Figgins: William? Glee Club? I have one word for you. Congratulations. Those special effects at the assembly really paid off! I had no idea what brilliant musical comedy performers you all have become. The kids at this school are scared straight. Today is the first day in a month without a single act of public drunkenness at McKinley High! And as a thank you, here are coupons for half-off frozen yogurt. Yum. William, I do think you need to see someone about your sex and love addiction. I've talked to my pastor about you, and he's willing to meet you at your earliest convenience.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Principal Figgins: Okay. Achievement!



Brittany S. Pierce: I'm torn. Part of me never wants to drink again because it made me so sick, but if it weren't for drinking, the assembly would have been a disaster.
Rachel Berry: I, for one, am never drinking again. Being thrown up on, it just does something to a person.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, while I'm happy things worked out with the assembly, I never want to see you guys pull anything like that again. Drinking while performing is unprofessional. Drinking while at school is just stupid, and, most importantly, any of you guys drinking at all is illegal.
Quinn Fabray: There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now.
Brittany S. Pierce: That is so racist.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more. Which is why I'm going to stop drinking. Not even a beer at the end of the night to take the edge off.
Santana Lopez: But if you don't drink, what will you have to live for?
Will Schuester: I have plenty in my life without beer.
Mercedes Jones: Like what, exactly?
Will Schuester: The point is, I'm going to stop. And I hope you guys do, too.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Isn't that kind of unrealistic?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Honestly, I think it is. Which is why I'm only going to ask you to do it until after Nationals. Consider yourselves like prize fighters getting ready for a big heavyweight bout. Now, these are pledge forms. And I want you guys to sign them.
Noah Puckerman: And what if we fall off the wagon again?
Will Schuester: Look in the top corner of your form. That's my cell phone number.
Sam Evans: Yes!
Will Schuester: Part of your pledge is that if you do slip up, no matter where you are, or what time of the night it is, I want you to call me to drive you home. We got lucky this time that the only consequences of your drinking was some ill-timed vomiting. None of us wants to see any of you guys get hurt.
Santana Lopez: Cool beans, Mr. Schue. I'll sign this.
Rachel Berry: Me, too. I mean, alcohol has done nothing for my songwriting.
Finn Hudson: What about after we win Nationals?
Will Schuester: I'm buying the sparkling cider.
Sam Evans: Yes.



Rachel Berry: So, you said he comes this way at 3:30?
Kurt Hummel: Like clockwork. For his post-rehearsal medium drip.
Rachel Berry: I just can't wait to lay one on him.
Kurt Hummel: I've got a bad feeling about this, Rachel. I mean, I don't mean to be schooled, but I don't want you to get hurt, either. There's no victory in this for me, either way.
Rachel Berry: Who cares about you, buddy? I might get a new boyfriend out of this, who can keep up with me vocally, and in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian- looking children.
Kurt Hummel: There he is. Dreamy as ever.
Rachel Berry: Okay. Wish me luck.
Carol King: # I feel the earth move under my feet #
Blaine Anderson: Hey, Rachel. What's going on?
Carol King: # I feel the sky tumbling down #
# A'tumbling down #
# I feel the earth move #
# Under my feet #
# I feel the sky tumbling down #
# A'tumbling down, I just lose control #
Blaine Anderson: Huh. Yep. I'm gay. 100% gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel. Listen, save my space in line, will you? I got to go hit the restroom.
Carol King: # All over #
# I feel the earth move under my feet #
# I feel the sky... #
Kurt Hummel: That was hard, wasn't it?
Rachel Berry: Are you kidding? That was amazing. I am speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold. Oh! Okay. I have to go compose. But thank you. Thank you.


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Quinn was dating Sam, but then she kissed Finn, so Santana told Sam, and now they've started dating.
Santana Lopez: You are Biebalicious.
Ian Brennan: Will's not dating anyone and says he's over Emma, but it seems like he's still got a thing for her, even though she's married. Kurt's really into Blaine, and Blaine likes Kurt, but he says he just wants to stay friends. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: Figgins, you wanted to see me?
Principal Figgins: William, we have an epidemic on our hands.
Will Schuester: Head lice?
Principal Figgins: Worse. Giggle juice.
Will Schuester: I-I'm sorry. What?
Principal Figgins: Alcohol, William. The wet devil. Our children are so brazen, they are showing up to school wasted. And not wasted on learning, Will. Wasted on booze. Why, just this week, we've had five suspensions for intoxication on school grounds.
Drunk Kid: Figgins! You rock! Yeah, man!
Principal Figgins: Six suspensions.
Will Schuester: I-I don't get it. Drinking's never been a problem at this school.
Principal Figgins: That's because there are new alcoholic beverages targeted to kids, Will. Just listen to the radio. Pop music now glorifies binge drinking. Just listen to any hit by pop sensation Ke-dollar-sign-ha.
Will Schuester: Oh. You-You mean Ke$ha?
Principal Figgins: We must do something to protect our children, Will.
Will Schuester: I-I totally agree. How-How can I help?
Principal Figgins: I have decided to make this week Alcohol Awareness Week at McKinley. I have contacted Kitty Dukakis, who will be the guest speaker at an assembly where your Glee Club will perform a song highlighting the dangers of teenage drinking. Can I count on you, William?



Will Schuester: Emma?
Emma Pillsbury: Hi.
Will Schuester: Enough with us not being friends. Look, I heard through the grapevine that you and Carl started looking for a tract house together, and I just wanted to say that I'm genuinely happy for you.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you. That's really sweet.
Will Schuester: Two-slicer.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you want to catch up?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Sure.
Emma Pillsbury: How have you been?
Will Schuester: Busy. Yeah. Glee Club's gearing up for Regionals...
Emma Pillsbury: I, um, love hearing about the Glee Club, but I'm actually more interested in you. You know, how you're doing.
Will Schuester: Me? Uh...
Emma Pillsbury: Are you dating anybody?
Will Schuester: No.
Emma Pillsbury: No? Maybe you should.
Sue Sylvester: You know, Ella, I think Will should really concentrate on his treatment before he tries another relationship with an early hominid, even a human female.
Will Schuester: Treatment?
Sue Sylvester: Alcoholics Anonymous, Will. I suggest you pre-emptively check into rehab, as you are a future alcoholic. I mean, come on. Look where you are. You're coaching a Glee Club that can only beat choirs of old people. You're rehashing the details of your failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances. And when my Glee Club crushes you at Regionals, well, the last ounce of meaning will drain from your life, and you will turn to drink.
Emma Pillsbury: I don't get it. How is it that you're now coaching a Glee Club?
Sue Sylvester: I was so inspired by my stint in the Glee Club, that I took the trip to Westvale, and I volunteered my help. Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual who coaches Aural Intensity had a terrible fall down the stairs.



Rick Denham: I'm okay. Don't worry.



Sue Sylvester: Not to be alarmed. Doctors say he will be fine. Provided they can get the swelling in his brain under control.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, sorry. I still don't understand. How can the school let you coach Aural Intensity?
Sue Sylvester: Newsflash, Amelda. There's no one lining up to coach Glee Clubs because it's a sucky job for losers. But there was an opening, and I am a champion. Oh, Will. Here's the book by Bill W., outlining the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't wait for you to start climbing those steps, because when you get to the top, I'm gonna knock you back down.



Noah Puckerman: What's up, my hot, little Jewish-American Princess?
Rachel Berry: What do you want, Puckerman?
Noah Puckerman: Well, word on the street is that your dads are out of town, and you're all alone in your house.
Rachel Berry: They are on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise. Was that... Who told you that?
Noah Puckerman: This is the kind of information a guy like me tends to know. So, uh, party this Saturday? I'll bring the beer ball. That's a mini-keg.
Rachel Berry: Forget it.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, come on. Just the Glee kids. We're losing our minds, all stressed about Sectionals and stuff.
Rachel Berry: Regionals. Besides, you just want a place to have sex and get drunk.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah. There's a word for that. A party.
Rachel Berry: No. No. No. My-My-My dads, they left me alone in my house because they trusted me to be responsible.
Noah Puckerman: They left you alone 'cause you suck and are a total bore.
Finn Hudson: Hey.
Noah Puckerman: Yo.
Finn Hudson: How's the song- writing going?
Rachel Berry: Hey. It's going amazing. I think I might have a really big hit here, which is why I wanted you to come by. I-I want you to hear it.
Finn Hudson: Oh. Yeah. Cool.
Rachel Berry: Come here.
Finn Hudson: What was that for?
Rachel Berry: To break the tension. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn. It's silly for us to pretend like we aren't comfortable around each other.
Finn Hudson: Yeah. Totally.
Rachel Berry: And I know that we have some unresolved feelings, but like my two new role models Carole King and Gerry Goffin, I think it's important that we just put them aside and stay focused on our mission which is just to write an amazing song to win Regionals with.
Finn Hudson: Well, I have no idea who those people are, but I'm on board. Let's hear it.
Rachel Berry: Okay. It's just... It's a little rough, but, uh... I think it's really special, so...
# There you rest #
# With all the rest #
# Of my accessories on my night stand #
# You're red or yellow #
# And like a good fellow #
# Sometimes you get lost in my mess #
# But when schoolgirl pigtails won't do, #
# And I need to control my 'do, #
# You're the only one I can count on #
# My headband #
# You're my headband #
# Wrapped right around my melon #
# You're a product like Magellan.... #
Finn Hudson: Hold... Hold on. Uh... Is this song about your headband?
Rachel Berry: Yes. It's called, "My Headband."
Finn Hudson: Right.
Rachel Berry: They say you should write about what you know.
Finn Hudson: Well, uh... It's really... interesting, but it's not... emotional or, like, good.
Rachel Berry: It sucks.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: How am I supposed to write a song like Joni Mitchell or Carole King? They've lived.
Finn Hudson: Well, maybe if you want to be an artist like them, you should do a little living.
Rachel Berry: You're so right. I mean, even now, it-it's Alcohol Awareness Week, and we're supposed to sing songs about the dangers of drinking, and I've never even had a drink.
Finn Hudson: Wait, seriously? That's why I never got past second base. Wait. Where are you going?
Rachel Berry: To find Puckerman. You know, my journey from little princess to natural woman begins this Saturday night at my house.



Santana Lopez: That sounds awful. Is anybody going?
Brittany S. Pierce: Let me find out. Did you hear?
Artie Abrams: Yes. Mercedes just told me.
Mercedes Jones: Tell them I'll go if they go.
Artie Abrams: Tell them yourself. I ain't no pony express.
Mercedes Jones: You're going, right?
Santana Lopez: Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober.
Brittany S. Pierce: But it's Alcohol Awareness Week.
Santana Lopez: Precisely. And I am aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: You're go for Puck.
Santana Lopez: Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friend score us some wine coolers?
Noah Puckerman: No, but his I.D. can.
Mercedes Jones: Well, if we're all in, it's settled. The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is officially a go.



Rachel Berry: Welcome. Kurt. Blaine. I wasn't expecting you guys.
Finn Hudson: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. He kind of insisted on coming.
Blaine Anderson: I'm totally off the clock right now, Rachel. I'm not a Warbler. I'm just Blaine. I'm not even wearing my uniform.
Kurt Hummel: So, this is your dads' Oscar Room.
Rachel Berry: Yes. They transformed our ordinary basement for our famous annual Oscar parties.
Blaine Anderson: Is that a stage?
Rachel Berry: I like to give impromptu performances for our neighbors sometimes. Hey, girlfriend. Having fun?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Awesome party.
Rachel Berry: Uh, okay. Let's, uh... Let's go over the rules. Everybody gets two drink tickets to keep things from getting out of hand. We're serving wine coolers today. That is our specialty drink. That's actually all that we have. Brittany! Remember the rules. No sitting on anything. Okay. Okay, everybody. Cheers!
Artie Abrams: Great party, Rachel. We got to run.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, dinner reservations.
Rachel Berry: But, but, but we haven't even played Celebrity yet. I... Why is everybody leaving?
Finn Hudson: Because this party blows.
Rachel Berry: I haven't even had my first sip yet. How am I supposed to write "Both Sides Now" if I can't even throw a party?
Noah Puckerman: Look, if you want everyone to stay, you have to let me break into your dads' liquor cabinet. No one's gonna get buzzed off two wine coolers. I'll replace it before they get home.
Rachel Berry: Let's party!



Far East Movement: # Poppin' bottles in the ice #
# Like a blizzard #
# Now I'm feeling so fly #
# Like a G6 #
Mike Chang: Let's go!
Far East Movement: # Like a G6 #
# Like a G6 #
# Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6 #
# Give me that Mo-Moet-et #
# Give me that Cri-Cristal-tal #
Noah & Zizes: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Far East Movement: # Ladies love my style #
# My table getting wild, get get get them bottles poppin' #
# We get that drip and that drop #
Rachel Berry: It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink!
Far East Movement: # Sober girls around me #
# They be acting like they drunk #
# They be acting like they drunk #
# Acting, acting like they drunk, with sober girls #
Kurt Hummel: Are you not drinking?
Finn Hudson: No. Designated driver. What about you?
Kurt Hummel: I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. Clearly, he doesn't have the same concern.
Blaine Anderson: Hey! It is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Right? Like, brothers! Wow! You're so tall.
Kurt Hummel: You having fun, Blaine?
Blaine Anderson: Yeah. This is the best party ever!
Rachel Berry: Finny. Dance with me.
Far East Movement: # Fly like a G6 #
Rachel Berry: We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I would do anything for you. Anything!
Finn Hudson: Okay, Rachel. Since this is your first time at this...
Rachel Berry: Sit down?
Finn Hudson: I'm going to break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A— Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.
Santana Lopez: You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit it. Just admit it! No. Kiss me.
Finn Hudson: Lauren Zizes and Quinn— the anger girl drunks.
Quinn Fabray: I can't believe what you did to my body. I used to have abs.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, back off!
Lauren Zizes: Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?
Noah Puckerman: Chill out!
Finn Hudson: Brittany, also known as the girl who turns into a stripper drunk.
Artie Abrams: Makin' it rain! Whoo! That's my girlfriend. I love you, baby.
Finn Hudson: Mercedes and Tina— happy girl drunks.
Mike Chang: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Finn Hudson: And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now, you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.
Far East Movement: # Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6... #
Rachel Berry: What-What kind of girl is this?
Far East Movement: # Now-Now-Now-Now-Now-Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6... #
Rachel Berry: Let's play spin the bottle! Who wants to play spin the bottle? Spin the bottle.
Far East Movement: # Feelin' so fly like a G6. #



Santana Lopez: You know what? A reminder. I owns that guppy mouth. Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me. So... You know what this is not? Hey, honeys. It's not a Big Red commercial. No me gusta.
Rachel Berry: Whoo! Party! It's my turn! My turn! Oh!
Kurt Hummel: Oh! This is outstanding!
Rachel Berry: Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world.
All: Yeah! Oh! Deep! Deep! More! More! More! More! More! More!
Josie Cotton: # Johnny, are you queer, boy? #
# Johnny, are you queer... #
Kurt Hummel: Okay, I think we've had enough of that.
All: Yeah!
Rachel Berry: Your face... tastes awesome. I think I just found a new duet partner!
Blaine Anderson: # You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, #
# When I met you. #
# I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around, #
# Turned you into someone new. #
# Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I can't believe it #
# When I hear that you won't see me #
# Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I don't believe it #
# When you say that you don't need me #
Rachel & Blaine: # It's much too late to find. #
# You think you've changed your mind. #
# You'd better change it back, or we will both be sorry. #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
# Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
# Don't you want me, ohh #
Rachel Berry: # I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. #
# That much is true, #
# But even then I knew I'd find a much better place #
# Either with or without you. #
Rachel & Blaine: # Don't, don't you want me? #
# You know I can't believe it #
# When you say that you don't need me. #
# It's much too late to find. #
# When you think you've changed your mind, #
# You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
Santana Lopez: I want you. I do. #
Rachel & Blaine: # Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #
Blaine Anderson: # Ohh #
Rachel & Blaine: # Don't you want me, ohh #
# Don't you want me, baby? #



Burt Hummel: Hey, Kurt, come give me a hand with these eggs.
Kurt Hummel: I'll be down in a minute!
Burt Hummel: What the hell is a shirred egg? Is that... Is that the same thing as a scrambled egg? Hey, what's this? Today was the day you were going to teach me all about brunch.
Kurt Hummel: I'll be down in a sec.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, where am I?
Burt Hummel: Oh. Uh, I'm sorry. My bad.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I need to close my locker, and it's going to sound like a gunshot.
Mercedes Jones: I have had the worst hangover since Saturday, and it's Monday.
Santana Lopez: I've been dry-heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was, I said that I was practicing bird calls.
Mike Chang: You guys, I can't stop barfing.
Mercedes Jones: Please don't say "barf."
Santana Lopez: I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girls' bathroom.
Mike Chang: I told my mom I had the flu, and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Can we talk about anything else?
Artie Abrams: How about some Bloody Marys, y'all?
Mercedes Jones: Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is drink.
Artie Abrams: It'll help your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit your ass.
# Blame it on the goose, #
# Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Eh, she say she usually don't #
# But I know that she front #
# Cause shawty know what she want #
# But she don't wanna seem like she's easy. #
Noah Puckerman: # I ain't saying what you won't do #
# But you know we probably gonna do #
# What you been feelin' deep insi-i-ide #
# Don't li-i-i.e. now #
Mercedes Jones: # Boy what you drinking? #
# Gonna let sink in #
# Here for the weekend #
# Thinking #
# We can #
# See where we can be if we press fast forward #
Santana Lopez: # Ooh #
Mercedes Jones: # Just one more round and you're down, I know it #
Santana Lopez: # Ooh yeah, yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fill another cup up #
# Feeling on your butt what? #
# You don't even care now #
# I was unaware how #
# Fine you was before my buzz set in #
Mercedes Jones: # My buzz set in #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the goose, #
Mercedes Jones: # Blame it on the goose #
Artie Abrams: # Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the vodka, #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the henny. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the blue top, #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Got you feeling dizzy. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes & Artie: # Now to the ballas poppin' bottles #
# With their henny in their cups #
# Screaming money ain't a thing #
# If you ain't throw it up #
Artie Abrams: # In the sky #
Mercedes Jones: # In the sky #
Artie Abrams: # And hold your drinks up high #
Mercedes Jones: # Up high #
Noah & Santana: # To my independent mamas #
# Who can buy their own bottles #
# If you looking like a model #
# When them broke fellas holla #
Artie Abrams: # Tell them bye #
Mercedes Jones: # Buh-bye #
Artie Abrams: # Hold your drinks up high #
Mercedes Jones: # High #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the goose, #
# Got you feeling loose. #
# Blame it on the 'tron, #
# Got you in the zone. #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
# Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes Jones: # Alcohol #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the vodka, #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the henny. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Mercedes & Artie: # Blame it on the blue top, #
New Directions: # Hey #
Mercedes & Artie: # Got you feeling dizzy. #
New Directions: # Hey #
Artie Abrams: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Mercedes & Artie: # Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. #
Will Schuester: Well done, you guys. I mean, you always bring it with the singing and the dancing, but what I was really impressed with today was your acting. I truly thought that some of you guys were drunk.
Artie Abrams: We take our craft serious.
Will Schuester: Problem is, that song is great, but it-it kind of glorifies drinking, don't you think? We're supposed to sing about the dangers of alcohol for this assembly.
Mercedes Jones: Well, good luck finding a song that does that.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue? First of all, that vest is very cute. You are all kinds of awesome. But second, maybe there's really no songs about the dangers of drinking because there's really none as long as you have a proper designated driver. I ever told you how great you are?
Mike Chang: Whoa.
Will Schuester: Well, Rachel, yeah. Driving drunk is dangerous. And have you guys ever heard of alcohol poisoning? Yeah, it kills about 400 people every year. Uh... Santana, are you... are you crying?
Santana Lopez: I'm okay. I'm okay.
Quinn Fabray: You're such a hypocrite. You drink. Most adults do.
Will Schuester: Well, I may have a beer every now and then, but I don't... I don't get drunk.
Noah Puckerman: We're just saying this is a waste of time. I mean, we're totally aware of alcohol. We see adults drinking it and having fun. Every commercial during NASCAR is for beer.
Will Schuester: Okay. Enough, guys. Look, tomorrow come with your thinking caps on, because we're going to spend the entire day brainstorming ideas for songs to sing at this assembly.



Will Schuester: Am I out of touch? I mean, I used to drink a lot more when I was their age. Most of the time it was just to deal with Terri, but I mean, who am I to tell them not to drink when I blacked out a couple of times when I was their age, and I ended up okay?
Shannon Beiste: You're taking this way too hard. Something else going on?
Will Schuester: Let's see. Um... my divorce is starting to really sink in. Sue's coaching my competition at Regionals. And Emma is looking for a house with her husband.
Shannon Beiste: Is that all? What do you do for stress relief?
Will Schuester: Exercise.
Shannon Beiste: Well, me, too, but that's a little too close to being productive. You got to get a little ridiculous, man, burn off some of that angst.
Will Schuester: You have any suggestions?
Shannon Beiste: Tomorrow night, you're tagging along with me for my stress relief. We're going to a little place they call Rosalita's Roadhouse.
Will Schuester: Isn't that like a honky-tonk bar?
Shannon Beiste: You ain't lived till you've seen me in a... cowboy hat!



Carol King: # So far away #
# Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? #
Blaine Anderson: I didn't drink that much.
Kurt Hummel: Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God. Speak of the devil.
Barista: Two medium drips.
Blaine Anderson: Hi, Rachel. Kurt and I were just talking about you.
Rachel Berry: You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants. So... I have a question for you. I wanted to know...
Kurt Hummel: Is she drunk?
Blaine Anderson: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Uh, yeah. Uh-huh. All right, I'll see you then. Okay, bye. Rachel just asked me out.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, that's amazing. She's got a girl crush on you. Wait a second. Why'd you say yes? You can't lead her on.
Blaine Anderson: Who says I'm leading her on?
Kurt Hummel: You can't be serious.
Blaine Anderson: When we kissed, it... it felt good.
Kurt Hummel: It felt good because you were drunk.
Blaine Anderson: What's the harm in going out on one crummy little date?
Kurt Hummel: You're gay, Blaine!
Blaine Anderson: I... thought I was, but... I've never even had a boyfriend before. Isn't this the time you're supposed to... figure stuff out?
Kurt Hummel: I can't believe that I'm hearing this right now.
Blaine Anderson: Maybe I'm bi. I don't know.
Kurt Hummel: Bisexual's a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.
Blaine Anderson: Whoa, wait, wait. Why are you so angry?
Kurt Hummel: Because I look up to you. I admire how proud you are of who you are. I know what it's like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in.
Blaine Anderson: I'm really sorry if this hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever, but however confusing it might be for you, it's actually a lot more confusing for me. You're 100% sure who you are. Fantastic. Well... maybe we all can't be so lucky.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I have... I've had a lot of luck, Blaine. I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me.
Blaine Anderson: And why did he do that?
Kurt Hummel: Because he didn't like who I was.
Blaine Anderson: Sort of exactly what you're saying to me right now. Isn't it? I am... I'm searching, okay? I am honestly just trying to figure out who I am, and for you, of all people, to get down on me for that, I didn't think that's who you were. I'll see you. I'd say "bye," but I wouldn't want to make you angry.



Jerrod Niemann: # Last night I #
# Went to town #
# Hit every bar around #
# A hundred bottles of beer on the wall #
# I thought I could drink 'em all... #
Will Schuester: Whoo!
Guitarist: I wanna welcome everybody to Rosalita's Roadhouse, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous. A, uh, special warm welcome to Will Schuester, joining us here for the first time tonight. My friend Shannon the Cannon here tells me Will wants to hop up on stage and sing us a song. Come on up here, cowboy.
All: Whoo!
Will Schuester: I hate you for this. You know, you know, I-I am not singing anything without my gal here. Come on, bring her a microphone, bring her a microphone.
# I wanna tell you a story #
# About the house-man blues #
# I come home on Friday #
# Had to tell the landlady I’d-a lost my job #
Shannon Beiste: # Uh um #
# She said, that don’t confront me, #
# Long as I get my money next Friday #
Will Schuester: # Now next Friday come I didn’t get the rent #
# And out the door I went #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #
Will Schuester: # Well I ain’t seen my baby since I don’t know when, #
# I’ve been drinking bourbon, whiskey, scotch and gin #
# Gonna get high man I’m gonna get loose, #
# Need me a triple shot of that juice #
# Gonna get drunk don’t you have no fear #
# I want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer, HAH! #
Shannon Beiste: # I ain’t seen my baby since the night before last #
# Gotta get a drink man I’m gonna get gassed #
# Gonna get high man I ain’t had enough #
# Need me a triple shot of that stuff #
# Gonna get drunk won’t you listen right here #
# I want one bourbon, one shot and one beer #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #
Will Schuester: # I want all that! #
Shannon & Will: # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #
Will Schuester: Whoo!
Shannon Beiste: Yeah, baby!
Will Schuester: Drinks on me!



Rachel Berry: Thanks for helping with the party cleanup. Especially considering that you didn't even drink.
Kurt Hummel: Well, I was in the neighborhood.
Rachel Berry: At 10:00? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, was that tonight?
Rachel Berry: Look, we're friends, so... I'm gonna be honest with you. The date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters.
Kurt Hummel: That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?
Rachel Berry: No. Our lips spent the evening mouthing Ali McGraw's dialogue. Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but... I guess the timing just wasn't right.
Kurt Hummel: Or the blood-alcohol level.
Rachel Berry: Look... I know that you have feelings for him, and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted, and if he turns out not to be gay, well, then I guess I will have done you a favor.
Kurt Hummel: And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only thmost flaming of homosexuals.
Rachel Berry: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt Hummel: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger— I don't dispute that— but there's something you and Blaine'll never have... and that's chemistry.
Rachel Berry: Fine. Then I'm gonna prove you wrong. I'm gonna take the beer goggles off, and I'm gonna kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there, then I'm taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie.



Shannon Beiste: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, easy, partner.
Will Schuester: Can I get you something to drink?
Shannon Beiste: Oh, no, no, no, no. Taxi's waiting.
Will Schuester: All right. H-H-How are you not drunk? We drank exactly the same amount.
Shannon Beiste: I got a hollow leg.
Will Schuester: You got a hollow leg!
Shannon Beiste: You gonna be okay?
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Shannon Beiste: Yeah?
Will Schuester: I just... just got to grade some papers and... I'm still looking for a song for the kids to sing at the Alcohol Awareness Assembly.
Shannon Beiste: Oh...
Will Schuester: Yes, uh... The kids want to sing a Ke$ha song... but, uh, it just makes drinking seem like a lot of fun.
Shannon Beiste: Sometimes it is fun.
Will Schuester: Exactly. Like tonight. That's the most fun I've had in a really long time. I mean, we were careful.
Shannon Beiste: Mm-hmm.
Will Schuester: We didn't drive.
Shannon Beiste: Mm, yeah.
Will Schuester: What's wrong with that?
Shannon Beiste: Nothin'.
Will Schuester: Nothin's wrong with that.
Shannon Beiste: Except we're not teenagers anymore, Will. You know? The way I see it, you can't just lecture kids. I mean, we can't stop them from drinking if that's what they're gonna do. I mean, the best we can do is make them aware of the dangers and just... hope they're smart enough to make a good decision on their own. Nut. All right, buddy, I'm out of here.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Shannon Beiste: Don't get up.
Will Schuester: I'm not...
Shannon Beiste: All right, hey.
Will Schuester: Yes?
Shannon Beiste: You just make sure you drink lots of water. Okay?
Will Schuester: Mwa!
Shannon Beiste: I love you.
Will Schuester: Right back at you.



Will Schuester: Yay, happy face. Okay. That was a valiant effort. You get a A-plus. That's how I roll. I don't even know who you are. Oh, what the hell? Hey, there... sexy lady. I know it's late. And... I know you're taken, and I've had a couple drinks, but... there's something I r-really, really want to say to you.



Principal Figgins: William! Can't wait to see what your New Directions are planning for the assembly. I know we've had issues with your kids performing in front of the school, but I have a really good feeling about this one.
Will Schuester: Why are you screaming?
Principal Figgins: I'm not screaming. Are you okay?
Will Schuester: Oh... wow, your cologne is just really strong.
Principal Figgins: It's Drakar Noir!
Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: Ooh... Will, you look terrible.
Will Schuester: Considering how much I drank, I think I'm lucky to be alive. Although I kind of wish I was dead. I am so embarrassed.
Emma Pillsbury: Why? I mean, besides the fact that you drank like a frat boy and you're well into your 30's.
Will Schuester: Please don't make me say it.
Emma Pillsbury: Sorry?
Will Schuester: I don't even remember half the things I said to you.
Emma Pillsbury: I-I'm not following.
Will Schuester: I-I drunk-dialed you last night.
Emma Pillsbury: No, you didn't. I mean, I didn't get a single message. What would you have said that you'd be embarrassed about?
Will Schuester: Nothing. I-I-I... This must have been a really elaborate, uh, booze dream, yeah.
Sue Sylvester: It's time, Will. I've arranged to have you committed for 48 hours, and it's not gonna be easy. Those state institutions tend to turn the fire hose on patients going through the D.T.'s, but at this point, I have no other option but a forced intervention.
Will Schuester: Sue, I do not have a drinking problem.
Sue Sylvester: Really? Then what's with the Corey Hart imitation? Will, I'm trying to save you.
Will Schuester: Why? All you ever want to do is destroy me.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well, it's kind of like nursing a P.O.W. back to health so he's at his strongest when you torture him to death. All right, Will, you had your chance to do this the easy way.



Kurt Hummel: Souffle is all about the whites. If you get yolk in it or you don't let it stiffen properly then you might as well be making pancakes.
Burt Hummel: All right. You think the one we already made is ready yet?
Kurt Hummel: I hope so.
Burt Hummel: All right, let's check it out. Here we go. Ta-da.
Kurt Hummel: You didn't leave enough room in the dish to let it rise.
Burt Hummel: Hey, I'm sorry— why are you being so hard on me? I would've been happy with you teaching me to make toast.
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Dad, I know this is supposed to be bonding time, but... it's Blaine. He's interested... in Rachel.
Burt Hummel: I'm confused; I thought he was gay, too.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, he is, he is. He's just... experimenting.
Burt Hummel: Yeah. He's not the only one.
Kurt Hummel: What does that mean?
Burt Hummel: Look, I need you to ask me before you have someone sleep over.
Kurt Hummel: We-we were fullylothed the entire time, and Blaine was too drunk to drive, so I let him crash here. I was being responsible.
Burt Hummel: Wait a minute, you kids are drinking now?
Kurt Hummel: Finn and I didn't have any. If that's what you're worried about.
Burt Hummel: No. I'm worried about you being inappropriate in my house.
Kurt Hummel: And if Puckerman had a sleepover with Finn, would that be inappropriate?
Burt Hummel: That's different.
Kurt Hummel: Because they wouldn't have sex?
Burt Hummel: No, I would never allow Finn to have a girl sleep over in his bed.
Kurt Hummel: But would it make you uncomfortable if he did?
Burt Hummel: Hey, when have I been uncomfortable with you being gay?
Kurt Hummel: So it's not being gay that upsets you, it's just me acting on it.
Burt Hummel: I don't know what two guys do when they're together. You know, I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.
Kurt Hummel: Okay. What do you want from me here, Dad? I...
Burt Hummel: I want you to apologize for being inappropriate and promise me you'll never do it again.
Kurt Hummel: Fine. I'm sorry. I won't have sleepovers with anyone that might be gay without asking you first.
Burt Hummel: Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: But maybe you could step outside your comfort zone and educate yourself, so if I have any questions, I could go to my dad, like any straight son could.



Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. I would like to wish you and yours a healthy and happy Alcohol Awareness Week. Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest, but Lima Police Chief Lawrence Krowley is here to show you a grisly slideshow of auto accidents. Take it away, Chief.
Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her music justice.
Sam Evans: We haven't had enough rehearsal.
Mercedes Jones: Or any at all.
Finn Hudson: And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.
Rachel Berry: Never fear, teammates. Now, it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dads' liquor cabinet. There's some brandy and vermouth and port wine and scotch in here, and also a little bit of Kool-Aid and some crumbled-up Oreos.
Santana Lopez: Oh, my God. This tastes like cough syrup.
Rachel Berry: There's also cough syrup.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cheers.
Rachel Berry: To Ke$ha.
Quinn Fabray: Cheers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Ke$ha.
Principal Figgins: Thank you, Chief. And now, performing the hit single, "Tik and also Tok" by rapper Ke-dollar-sign-ha, the New Directions.
Brittany S. Pierce: # Wake up in the morning, feelin' like P. Diddy #
Artie Abrams: # Hey, what up girl? #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city #
Artie Abrams: # Let's go! #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack #
# 'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back #
# I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes #
# Tryin' on all our clothes, clothes #
# Boys blowing up our phones, phones #
# Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs #
# Pulling up to the parties #
# Trying to get a little bit tipsy #
# Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# 'Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
# Oh, woah, who, oh oh, woah, who, oh #
# Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# 'Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
I don't feel good.
Rachel Berry: Power through it!
Brittany S. Pierce: # Oh, woah, oh, oh #
# You build me up #
# You break me down #
# My heart, it pounds #
# Yeah, you got me #
# With my hands up #
# You got me now #
# You got that sound #
# Yeah, you got me #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, ohh #
Brittany S. Pierce: # You build me up #
Mercedes & Brittany: # You break me down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # My heart, it pounds #
# Yeah, you got me #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh, ohh #
Brittany S. Pierce: # With my hands up #
# Put your hands up #
# Put your hands up #
# Now the party don't start 'til I walk in #
Mercedes & Brittany: # Don't stop, make it pop #
# DJ, blow my speakers up #
# Tonight, I'ma fight #
# Til we see the sunlight #
# Tick, tock, on the clock #
# But the party don't stop, no #
# Oh, woah, oh, oh #
Oh, my God. Everybody, drink responsibly.



Becky Jackson: Heads up, McKinley. Coach Sylvester's gonna shout at ya.
Sue Sylvester: Students, colleagues, indeed, all who understand the Queen's English... we all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly by a Glee Club spiraling out of control. My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit. And there is, simply, but one person to blame. The alcoholic teen-vomit fetishist Will Schuester, the director of that club. Two days ago, I received a drunk dial in the middle of the night from a horny Will Schuester.
Will Schuester: Oh, no.
Sue Sylvester: Open your ears, McKinley High, and behold the awful price of alcoholism.
Will Schuester: Hey there, sexy lady. There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves, and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers, and come over here? And it'll be just one night of us just getting crazy. Let's just get crazy! Let's get really crazy and roll around in the hay. I was just in some hay earlier tonight, and I rode a bull and I was thinking of you.
Sue Sylvester: Will Schuester? You've just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery, it's the very first step.



Noah Puckerman: Probably gonna get suspended.
Will Schuester: I think you'll definitely get suspended. You'll probably all get suspended.
Santana Lopez: Oh, you're one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-ton.
Principal Figgins: William? Glee Club? I have one word for you. Congratulations. Those special effects at the assembly really paid off! I had no idea what brilliant musical comedy performers you all have become. The kids at this school are scared straight. Today is the first day in a month without a single act of public drunkenness at McKinley High! And as a thank you, here are coupons for half-off frozen yogurt. Yum. William, I do think you need to see someone about your sex and love addiction. I've talked to my pastor about you, and he's willing to meet you at your earliest convenience.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Principal Figgins: Okay. Achievement!



Brittany S. Pierce: I'm torn. Part of me never wants to drink again because it made me so sick, but if it weren't for drinking, the assembly would have been a disaster.
Rachel Berry: I, for one, am never drinking again. Being thrown up on, it just does something to a person.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, while I'm happy things worked out with the assembly, I never want to see you guys pull anything like that again. Drinking while performing is unprofessional. Drinking while at school is just stupid, and, most importantly, any of you guys drinking at all is illegal.
Quinn Fabray: There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now.
Brittany S. Pierce: That is so racist.
Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more. Which is why I'm going to stop drinking. Not even a beer at the end of the night to take the edge off.
Santana Lopez: But if you don't drink, what will you have to live for?
Will Schuester: I have plenty in my life without beer.
Mercedes Jones: Like what, exactly?
Will Schuester: The point is, I'm going to stop. And I hope you guys do, too.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Isn't that kind of unrealistic?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Honestly, I think it is. Which is why I'm only going to ask you to do it until after Nationals. Consider yourselves like prize fighters getting ready for a big heavyweight bout. Now, these are pledge forms. And I want you guys to sign them.
Noah Puckerman: And what if we fall off the wagon again?
Will Schuester: Look in the top corner of your form. That's my cell phone number.
Sam Evans: Yes!
Will Schuester: Part of your pledge is that if you do slip up, no matter where you are, or what time of the night it is, I want you to call me to drive you home. We got lucky this time that the only consequences of your drinking was some ill-timed vomiting. None of us wants to see any of you guys get hurt.
Santana Lopez: Cool beans, Mr. Schue. I'll sign this.
Rachel Berry: Me, too. I mean, alcohol has done nothing for my songwriting.
Finn Hudson: What about after we win Nationals?
Will Schuester: I'm buying the sparkling cider.
Sam Evans: Yes.



Rachel Berry: So, you said he comes this way at 3:30?
Kurt Hummel: Like clockwork. For his post-rehearsal medium drip.
Rachel Berry: I just can't wait to lay one on him.
Kurt Hummel: I've got a bad feeling about this, Rachel. I mean, I don't mean to be schooled, but I don't want you to get hurt, either. There's no victory in this for me, either way.
Rachel Berry: Who cares about you, buddy? I might get a new boyfriend out of this, who can keep up with me vocally, and in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian- looking children.
Kurt Hummel: There he is. Dreamy as ever.
Rachel Berry: Okay. Wish me luck.
Carol King: # I feel the earth move under my feet #
Blaine Anderson: Hey, Rachel. What's going on?
Carol King: # I feel the sky tumbling down #
# A'tumbling down #
# I feel the earth move #
# Under my feet #
# I feel the sky tumbling down #
# A'tumbling down, I just lose control #
Blaine Anderson: Huh. Yep. I'm gay. 100% gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel. Listen, save my space in line, will you? I got to go hit the restroom.
Carol King: # All over #
# I feel the earth move under my feet #
# I feel the sky... #
Kurt Hummel: That was hard, wasn't it?
Rachel Berry: Are you kidding? That was amazing. I am speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold. Oh! Okay. I have to go compose. But thank you. Thank you.
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215. Sexy

放送日:2011年3月8日


Emma Pillsbury: The Celibacy Club will now come to order. Let's start the meeting by reading the minutes from last week's meeting where we read the minutes from the previous meeting, and Rachel spent the hour quizzing Quinn about the nature of her relationship with Finn.
Rachel Berry: Questions somebody still refuses to answer.
Quinn Fabray: And I will continue to refuse to answer them because they are none of your business. All I will reveal is that I rejoined the Celibacy Club to focus on me.
Rachel Berry: Me, too. Finn is kryptonite, which is why I am focusing all my energies now on my songwriting.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, and I have to say I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy, and for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster. I have a little bit of club swag here that I think's really gonna catch on. Ready? Chastity charms. We hand out the little hearts, but not the key. That way, nobody can open the lock forever. And ladies, that's what keeps us safe.
Rachel Berry: I have some questions. Some things that I... I'm curious about.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, why be curious? No, wait to have relations until you're comfortable, right? Maybe till your honeymoon, I don't know. Maybe even later! Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!



Emma Pillsbury: I'm just so disappointed.
Will Schuester: Why? I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on.
Emma Pillsbury: I did, until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.
Will Schuester: I know preaching abstinence is hard, but I've seen how a teen pregnancy can turn a kid's world upside down. So keep fighting the good fight. And I'm happy to do whatever I can to help make celibacy an option for these kids.
Holly Holliday: I don't know, hot stuff. Sounds pretty lame...
Will Schuester: Holly! What are you doing here?
Holly Holliday: Subbing. The health and wellness teacher's out with a mad case of the herp. Yikers.
Will Schuester: Oh, it's so good to see you!
Holly Holliday: You, too!
Will Schuester: Oh, this face, this face! Oh. Oh, this is...
Emma Pillsbury: Emma.
Will Schuester: Emma, Emma Pillsbury.
Holly Holliday: Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
Emma Pillsbury: Very nice to meet you.
Will Schuester: This is Holly Holliday.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi, Holly.
Will Schuester: Have a seat here.
Holly Holliday: Oh, thank you.
Will Schuester: Wow!
Emma Pillsbury: So, I'm curious why you don't, uh, think that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers.
Holly Holliday: Oh, I do. I think it's a valid choice. I just don't think it's that realistic. You know, it's like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions. I just read in the newspaper that ninety high school girls in a Memphis school district got pregnant within three months! I mean, it is Tennessee, but still. We've got to shake things up, you know? Information is power. Oh, and by the way, Will, some of your Glee kids are the most clueless.



Holly Holliday: Demonstration: This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS, and it also prevents pregnancy.
Finn Hudson: Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?
Mercedes Jones: Seriously? 'Cause I just had them on my salad!



Holly Holliday: We've got to educate these kids.
Emma Pillsbury: I strongly disagree. I don't think that we should barrage these kids with graphic information. They're kids. I don't want to steal their innocence.
Holly Holliday: Are you, like, some kind of crazy Pope lady? Think about the images that these kids are exposed to. I mean, think about what they have access to.
Emma Pillsbury: That doesn't make it okay. And it shouldn't change the message that they get from us, which is this is serious stuff and it's not for kids and it's not for adults!
Holly Holliday: Okay, well, I think that's a little naive. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have crazy sex, because I'm crazy informed about it. Kidding. Hasta luego.
Will Schuester: Hasta luego. Oh, man.



Santana Lopez: Hey, Britt-britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening, get our cuddle on?
Brittany S. Pierce: Look, I'd really like to get my sweet lady-kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately. I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with... Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.
Noah Puckerman: It was only a matter of time.
Lauren Zizes: For what?
Noah Puckerman: Brittany to get pregnant.
Lauren Zizes: Oh. Congratulations.
Artie Abrams: For what?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo. You're gonna be a baby daddy.



Will Schuester: All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?
Artie Abrams: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this?
Will Schuester: Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?
Brittany S. Pierce: Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Noah Puckerman: Um... Babies don't get dropped off.
Will Schuester: Wait, Brittany. Have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.



Will Schuester: And that's when I realized you were right.
Holly Holliday: Let's go. Health and wellness Jazzercise class! Do we feel our hearts pumping yet, guys? You see? We have really got to educate these kids.
Will Schuester: How are we going to do that without being too graphic?
Holly Holliday: Breathe it in.
Will Schuester: I want to educate them, not titillate them.
Holly Holliday: Didn't you ever read Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook? It's all about taking vegetables and hiding it in food so that you can trick kids into eating what's good for them. Shake it! Ah! And loose.
Will Schuester: I'm not following.
Holly Holliday: It's Jazzercise, Will. It's really not that hard.
Will Schuester: No.
Holly Holliday: Grease it.
Will Schuester: I'm still talking about the vegetable hiding.
Holly Holliday: All I'm saying is all we have to do is find a way to sneak in the sex education lesson in a less provocative way. And stretch. Oh! You guys were awesome.
Will Schuester: Yeah!
Holly Holliday: How good do we feel? Are we sweating? Yes! Next week, we are going to talk about the power of muscle testing. Yeah? Bye. Love you. Okay. Here's what I think you should do. Let me come into Glee Club this week and I'll show you what I mean. The kids will think that they're getting ready for Regionals, but really I'll slip in a little lesson about how to avoid STDs. And speaking of STDs, how is your dating life?
Will Schuester: Um, right now, I'm the president of the Celibacy Club.
Holly Holliday: Mmm. That's a waste of some fine man-butt.



Will Schuester: Sexy.
Santana Lopez: I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals, because with Berry in those tights, - we don't stand a chance.
Will Schuester: No, this isn't about Regionals. I'm less worried about that right now and more worried about the fact that it's become clear to me that some of you have been lacking when it comes to understanding the... the, uh... the intricacies of adult relationships. Yeah, anyways... Along with preparing for our Regional next week, I want to spend the week educating ourselves about some of these... intricacies.
Rachel Berry: Is this the appropriate forum for that?
Will Schuester: Look, whenever we had, uh, issues in the past that are on our minds or giving us problems, it's always helped us to sing about it. So this week I have invited a special guest. Miss Holiday.
Holly Holliday: Hola, clase.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, no. It's the salad lady.
Holly Holliday: Okay. So sex... It's just like hugging, only wetter.
Artie Abrams: Yeah, it is.
Holly Holliday: Okay, so let's start with the basics. Finn. Is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?
Finn Hudson: I have always been dubious.
Holly Holliday: And Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?
Brittany S. Pierce: I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.
Holly Holliday: Well, that's all gonna end right here, right now. Because today, we are gonna get under the covers all together - and get the ditty on the dirty.
Noah Puckerman: I'm so turned-on right now.
Rachel Berry: Uh, what about those of us who choose to remain celibate?
Holly Holliday: Oh, well, I admire you. Although I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice.
Will Schuester: I think this is a good time for a song.
Holly Holliday: Oh, yes. Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Holly Holliday: Rule number one: Every intimate encounter that you're ever going to have in your life is going to start with a touch. Hit it!
# We've been here too long #
# Tryin' to get along #
# Pretendin' that you're oh so shy #
# I'm a natural ma'am #
# Doin' all I can #
# My temperature is runnin' high #
# Cry at night #
# No one in sight #
# And we got so much to share #
# Talking's fine #
# If you got the time #
# But I ain't got the time to spare #
# Yeah #
# Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
# There, yeah #
New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
# Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Every girl an' boy #
# Needs a little joy #
# All you do is sit an' stare #
# Beggin' on my knees #
# Baby, won't you please #
# Run your fingers through my hair #
# My, my, my #
# Whiskey and rye #
# Don't it make you feel so fine #
# Right or wrong #
# Don't it turn you on #
# Can't you see we're wastin' time, yeah #
# Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
# There, yeah #
New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do ya, do ya #
New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do ya, do ya #
# Touch me there, #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # You know where #
New Directions: # Oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
# Do ya, do ya #
Holly Holliday: So just remember whenever you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with. And everybody's got a random.



Kurt Hummel: Don't you think it's time for the Warblers to do a Joan Armatrading medley?
Blaine Anderson: Um, I'm not so sure people know who that is.
Sue Sylvester: Well, well, if it isn't my sweet, sweet Porcelain.
Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester. What are you doing here?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot. Actually, boys, I heard that this was a Dalton Academy hangout, and I come in a spirit of fellowship. As you no doubt have heard, I've taken over for the coach of Aural Intensity.
Kurt Hummel: We heard you pushed him down the stairs.
Sue Sylvester: No, you can't prove that.
Kurt Hummel: This is just sort of how she talks.
Sue Sylvester: So, I happen to have some top secret intel. Will Schuester has finally realized that his team's Achilles' heel is their utter lack of sex appeal. The New Directions are getting sexy. And the key to Regionals is out-sexing them. And I suspect that the judges are scoring extra for it this year. So, Porcelain, quid pro quo: What do you have for me?
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Coach, but you and are not in cahoots.
Sue Sylvester: Probably should have nailed that down before I gave you my top secret intel. Porcelain, you just made a powerful enema.
Blaine Anderson: We got to hold an emergency meeting.
Kurt Hummel: Why?
Blaine Anderson: Weren't you listening? The judges at Regionals have an eye out for something new, which means... The Warblers got to do something sexy-fied.



Emma Pillsbury: I am very disappointed in you, Will. Letting Holly come in and just teach the Glee kids about... stuff. I mean, why didn't you just pair them up, huh? Rent them a bunch of motel rooms?
Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had no choice, Emma. These kids are totally unprepared. Look, in the spirit of fairness, why don't you and the kids in your Celibacy Club come in and do a number?
Emma Pillsbury: What, like, sing?
Will Schuester: Yeah. We're trying to teach through song. And yours can be a counterargument to Holly's.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall. You know what I mean.



Lauren Zizes: Well, Puckerman, it's your lucky day.
Noah Puckerman: You're finally going to let me motorboat those twins?
Lauren Zizes: Remember I told you I had a master plan? Here it is. Can you think of a celebrity who released a tape of their intimate relations that didn't make them more famous?
Noah Puckerman: If this is going where I think it's going, I may need to sit down.
Lauren Zizes: Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer. I just want to be famous. Doing that number for Glee Club was my first step toward being a star. I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show and a fragrance. It'll be called Zizes, and the slogan will be "You just got Ziced!"
Noah Puckerman: I'm not sure I heard that last part right, 'cause I'm getting a little light-headed, but if we make one of those tape, that means...
Lauren Zizes: Wow. If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills at deduction, I'm in for a wild night.



Blaine Anderson: I would like to welcome the ladies of our sister school, Crawford Country Day. As you know, the Warblers are competing in our show choir's Regionals competition next week. So, what we're going for here today, ladies, is something a little... a little sexy. But we need your input. Are we scream worthy? Do we make your knees turn to jelly? So, without further ado, hang on to your bobby socks, girls, 'cause we're about to rock your world.
The Warblers: # Na, na, na, na, na, na #
# Na, na, na, na, na, na #
Blaine Anderson: # Here we go again #
# I feel the chemicals kickin' in #
# It's gettin heavy #
# And I wanna run and hide #
# I wanna run and hide. #
Kurt Hummel: # I do it every time #
# You're killin' me now #
Kurt & Blaine: # And I won't be denied by you #
# The animal inside of you. #
Blaine Anderson: # Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Take a bite of my heart tonight. Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Say goodbye to my heart tonight. #
Kurt & Blaine: # Hush hush the world is quiet #
# Hush hush we both can't fight it #
# It's us that made this mess #
# Why can't you understand? #
# No, I won't sleep tonight. #
Blaine Anderson: # Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Take a bite of my heart tonight. Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' #
Kurt Hummel: # Here we go again #
# Here we go again #
# Here we go again #
Blaine Anderson: # Say goodbye to my heart tonight. #
Crawford Girl: Call us.
Blaine Anderson: Sweet, but not on your team. Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.
Kurt Hummel: Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.
Blaine Anderson: It just looked like you were having gas pains or something.
Kurt Hummel: Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at Regionals and sell sexy to the judges when I have as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?
Blaine Anderson: We'll figure something out.



Brittany S. Pierce: I want to talk to you about something. I really like when we make out and stuff.
Santana Lopez: Which isn't cheating, because...?
Brittany S. Pierce: The plumbing's different.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.
Brittany S. Pierce: But when Artie and I are together, we talk about stuff, like feelings.
Santana Lopez: Why?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because with feelings, it's better.
Santana Lopez: Are you kidding? It's better when it doesn't involve feelings. I think it's better when it doesn't involve eye contact.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. I guess I just don't know how I feel about us.
Santana Lopez: Look... Let's be clear here. I'm not interested in any labels, unless it's on something I shoplift.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know, Santana. I think we should talk to somebody. Like an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me.
Santana Lopez: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, sometimes it's sweet, and sometimes it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?



Noah Puckerman: Those linens are incredible.
Lauren Zizes: I know. Is that Egyptian cotton?
Noah Puckerman: Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff?
Lauren Zizes: It classes it up.
Noah Puckerman: If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy, I'll watch E!
Lauren Zizes: Touch me.
Noah Puckerman: We're not putting any of that stuff in ours.
Lauren Zizes: Well, maybe...
Holly Holliday: Hey, guys. What's going on?
Noah Puckerman: Oh, hey, Miss H. Hey, can you help us out?
Holly Holliday: Uh, yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Lauren and I are gonna make a sex tape.
Lauren Zizes: So I can get a recording contract.
Holly Holliday: Wow. Okay. Well, first, can I just say that I'm very impressed by not only your ambition, but by how comfortable you are with your own bodies?
Lauren Zizes: Easy to be comfortable when you look this good. You know what I mean?
Holly Holliday: Agreed. Uh, now for the downside. Are you aware that because you're under eighteen years of age, making and owning a sex tape could make you guilty of child pornography? Listen, guys, don't take this too hard, all right? These things just... They never work out well. My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster.
Noah Puckerman: Thanks, Miss H.
Holly Holliday: Later, dudes. Ladies.
Santana Lopez: Miss Holiday, we need your help.



Brittany S. Pierce: So, why are we sitting on the floor?
Holly Holliday: 'Cause we're in Japan. No.Welcome to my sacred, sexy sharing circle. I want to thank you guys for confiding in me, 'cause I know this is tough. And I want to ask both of you if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I mean, who knows? I'm attracted to girls, and I'm attracted to guys. I've made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.
Holly Holliday: Hmm. Well, we've all been there. I went to an all-girls college where the only industry in the town was the manufacturing of softball equipment. I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco. Ooh! Anyway, it's not about who you are attracted to, ultimately. It's about who you fall in love with.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I don't know how I feel, because Santana refuses to talk about it.
Holly Holliday: Okay, well, I know talking about feelings can be really hard, so I have an idea. Why don't you guys find a song and see if maybe the lyrics of the song could help you start a dialogue going?
Santana Lopez: I could be down with that. I have the perfect song. There's just one problem, though. Brit and I may need your help to sing it.
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.



Blaine Anderson: All right, so give me sensual. But don't make fun of it. Like, really try. Okay. Now give me... sultry. Um, Kurt, they're all sort of looking the same.
Kurt Hummel: That's because the face I'm actually doing is uncomfortable. This is pointless, Blaine. I don't know how to be sexy, because I don't know the first thing about sex.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, you're blushing.
Kurt Hummel: I've tried watching those movies, but I just get horribly depressed. And I think about how they were all kids once, and they all have mothers. And, God, what would their mothers think? And why would you get that tattoo there?
Blaine Anderson: Then maybe we should have a conversation about it. I'll tell you what I know.
Kurt Hummel: I don't... I don't want to know the graphic details. I like romance. That's why I like Broadway musicals, because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, you're going to have to learn about it someday.
Kurt Hummel: Well, not today. I think I've learned quite enough for today, thank you. I think you should leave.



Will Schuester: So just nice and easy. I don't want to go too far away from the original version.
Holly Holliday: Since when do you need help singing in front of the Glee Club?
Will Schuester: Oh, it's not about the singing. I'm trying to make Prince's "Kiss" into a tango. Just want to make sure it's appropriate.
Holly Holliday: "Kiss" as a tango? That's awesome and ridiculous.
Will Schuester: Anyway, I want to do this right for the sexy lesson. So picture us in the auditorium, big backdrop, lighting, costume, the whole thing. Hit it.
# Uh! #
# You don't have to be beautiful to turn me on #
# I just need your body baby #
# From dusk till dawn #
Holly Holliday: # You don't need experience #
# To turn me out #
# You just leave it all up to me #
# I'm gonna show you what it's all about #
Will & Holly: # You don't have to be rich #
# To be my girl #
# You don't have to be cool #
# To rule my world #
# Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with #
# I just want your extra time and your #
# Kiss #
Holly Holliday: # Yeah... #
Will & Holly: # Women not girls rule my world #
# I said they rule my world #
# Act your age, mama #
# Not your shoe size #
Will Schuester: # Not your shoe size #
Will & Holly: # Maybe we can do the twirl #
Holly Holliday: # You don't have to watch Dynasty #
# To have an attitude #
Will & Holly: # You just leave it all up to me #
Holly Holliday: # My love will be your food #
Will Schuester: # Yeah #
Will & Holly: # You don't have to be rich #
# To be my girl #
# You don't have to be cool #
# To rule my world #
# Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with #
# I just want your extra time and your #
# Kiss #
Will Schuester: I am so into you.
Holly Holliday: Don't be.
Will Schuester: Go out with me.
Holly Holliday: Oh, you don't want any of this. I'm damaged goods. Yes, it makes me terrific in bed, but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you into Wasa crackers.
Will Schuester: Oh, I think I can handle it.
Holly Holliday: You married your high school sweetheart, and then you went out with a virgin. It's a great song. You don't need me, though. The kids are going to love it.



Blaine Anderson: Need a hand?
Burt Hummel: Yeah, why don't you hand me that carburetor? How'd you know which one it was?
Blaine Anderson: My dad and I rebuilt a '59 Chevy in our driveway two summers ago. One of his many attempts at bonding.
Burt Hummel: You here looking for parts?
Blaine Anderson: No, actually. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Kurt.
Burt Hummel: Is he okay?
Blaine Anderson: Have you ever talked to him about sex?
Burt Hummel: Are you gay or straight or what?
Blaine Anderson: I'm definitely gay.
Burt Hummel: Okay. Good. I mean, you know, whatever, but, uh... You know, good for Kurt. He needs someone like you to talk to.
Blaine Anderson: Well, that's kind of my point. I've tried talking to him, but he basically puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing.
Burt Hummel: Well, when he's ready, he'll listen.
Blaine Anderson: I'm worried that it might be too late. You know, Dalton doesn't even have sex ed classes. Most schools don't, and the ones that do almost never discuss what sex is like for gay kids. Kurt is... is the most moral, compassionate person I've ever met.
Burt Hummel: You know, he gets that from his mother.
Blaine Anderson: And... And I am blown away by your guys' relationship. You think my dad built a car with me because he loves cars? I think he did it because he thought getting my hands dirty might make me straight.
Burt Hummel: You know, did he talk to you about this, uh, kind of stuff?
Blaine Anderson: No. I had to go find it for myself. The Internet is great, and all the information is out there, but I went searching for it. Kurt won't. And one day, he'll be at a party, and maybe have a few drinks and then he'll meet some guy and start fooling around. And he's not going to know about using protection or STDs. I don't have the relationship with my dad that you have with Kurt. I think it would be really cool if you took advantage of that. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.
Burt Hummel: You are.



Holly Holliday: # I took my love and I took it down #
# I climbed a mountain and I turned around #
# And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills #
# Where the landslide brought me down. #
# Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? #
# Can the child within my heart #
Santana & Holly: Rise above? #
# Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? #
# Can I handle the seasons of my life? #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #
Brittany & Santana: # Oh, oh... #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #
Brittany & Santana: # Oh, oh... #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Well, I've been afraid of changin' #
# Cause I've built my life around you #
Brittany & Santana: # But time makes you bolder #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Children get older #
# And I'm getting older too #
Holly Holliday: # Well, I'm getting older too #
# So.. take this love and take it down #
# Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you... #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # ...turn around #
# And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills #
Holly Holliday: # Where the landslide brought me down #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills #
Holly Holliday: # Well maybe... #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Well maybe... #
Holly Holliday: # The landslide will bring you down #
Brittany S. Pierce: Is that really how you feel?
Santana Lopez: Uh, yeah. Thank you.
Sam Evans: Pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends, right? I wish you and I were that close.
Rachel Berry: Can I just applaud this trio for exploring the uncharted world of Sapphic charm? Brava. Brava.
Santana Lopez: Look, just because I sang a song with Brittany doesn't mean that you can put a label on me. Is that clear?



Emma Pillsbury: This meeting of the Celibacy Club will now come to order. Before we begin, I would just like to start by congratulating you by reminding you not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year. You get tenses for menses. I'd also like to welcome our newest member, Noah Puckerman.
Rachel Berry: Are you lost, Noah?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, you don't belong here. You're the biggest French whore of them all.
Noah Puckerman: Zizes and I were going to make a sex tape. I found out that making that tape would have resulted in my arrest. I've hit rock bottom, and I've come here to set myself straight.
Emma Pillsbury: That's just awesome, Noah. And you're just in time, because tomorrow the girls and I are going to perform a song for Glee Club extolling the benefits of celibacy.
Noah Puckerman: I'm down for that. Point of order, though. While three chicks and me is just a typical Saturday night in the Puckerman bedroom, it's not the best balance for singing. We need at least one more dude.
Emma Pillsbury: I've got that covered.



Carl Howell: # Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
# Gonna grab some afternoon delight.
Noah Puckerman: # My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right.
# Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.
Rachel Berry: # When everything's a little clearer in the light of day.
# And you know the night is always gonna be here any way.
Quinn & Emma: # Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
# Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
# Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
# And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Celibacy Club: # Sky rockets in flight.
# Afternoon delight.
# Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.
Holly Holliday: Hi. Um, Holly here.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah?
Holly Holliday: So I'm a little confused. Isn't this a strange song for the... the Celibacy Club to sing?
Emma Pillsbury: But why? It's so wholesome. It was written during the Bicentennial to celebrate America and fireworks...
Holly Holliday: No, it's about sneaking out for a nooner.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. Exactly! A nooner's when you have dessert in the middle of the day, right? Right, Carl?
Will Schuester: Well, regardless... It was a great job, guys. Great number.
Holly Holliday: It was... It was fantastic.
Will Schuester: Hey, Glee Club, let's go.
Carl Howell: Miss Holliday? Excuse me a second. Miss Holliday? You're still the, um... You're still the acting sex-ed teacher, right?
Holly Holliday: You know it, brother.
Carl Howell: Uh, you don't happen to have any office hours, do you?
Holly Holliday: Sure.
Emma Pillsbury: Afternoon Delight is a dessert. It's made with coconut and pineapple and marshmallow fluff.
Carl Howell: I think Emma and I need an appointment.



Kurt Hummel: What are those?
Burt Hummel: Those are some pamphlets that I picked up from the free clinic. I thought it might help the process along, because it is time you and I had "the talk."
Kurt Hummel: No, it's not.
Burt Hummel: Yes, it is. You told me to educate myself.
Kurt Hummel: La, la, la! La, la, la!
Burt Hummel: Hey, you think this is easy for me?
Kurt Hummel: La, la, la, la!
Burt Hummel: Okay, believe me, I want to do this even less than you do. This is going to suck for both of us, but we are going to get through it together, and we will both be better men because of it. Now, first, most of the, um... mechanics of what you're going to be doing is covered in the pamphlets. Okay, so, I want you to read them, and then I want you to come talk to me about it. Deal?
Kurt Hummel: Okay.
Burt Hummel: All right. Now. Hey, sit down. We're just getting started. All right. You know, for most guys, sex is just... You know... It's this thing we always want to do. You know, it's fun. It feels great. But we're not really thinking too much about, you know, how it makes us feel on the inside or, you know, how the other person feels about it.
Kurt Hummel: Women are different?
Burt Hummel: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical. You know, when... When you're intimate with somebody in that way, you're exposing yourself. You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten in way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.
Kurt Hummel: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.
Burt Hummel: No. It's going to be worse. Okay? Because it's two guys. With two guys, you've got two people who think that sex is just sex. It's gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff, you're not going to want to stop. You just... You've got to know that it means something. You know, it's doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though it feels like you're just having fun.
Kurt Hummel: So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?
Burt Hummel: I think on your thirtieth birthday, it is a great gift to yourself. Kurt... When you're ready... I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Is that it?
Burt Hummel: That's it. For now. Can I make you some toast?
Kurt Hummel: I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets. Thank you, Dad.
Burt Hummel: You're welcome.



Holly Holliday: Now, I hear you guys are having some problems.
Emma Pillsbury: I wouldn't call them problems.
Carl Howell: No, we are. We really, really are. We're having problems.
Holly Holliday: When is the last time that you...
Carl Howell: Never.
Holly Holliday: I beg your pardon?
Carl Howell: We've been married four months and we still haven't done the deed.
Holly Holliday: Girlfriend, what is up with that? He's hot! You're thirty.
Emma Pillsbury: I haven't felt comfortable. So...
Holly Holliday: Well, what is it that you do?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, okay... So we cuddle a lot.
Carl Howell: A lot.
Emma Pillsbury: A lot.
Carl Howell: We cuddle too much.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, well, no...
Carl Howell: We're... We're cuddle monsters.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Okay. We... We watch the Housewives shows, which are so, so racy. Racy!
Carl Howell: It's not like I haven't tried. I try. I've made her romantic dinners. I give her roses, and every time I try to touch her... That happens.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm so sorry.
Holly Holliday: Okay, look. I am not a doctor, okay? I don't even like doctor TV shows. Unless it's one of those ones where people strap bombs to their chest. Love those. So I would like to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it very seriously. Are you still in love with Will Schuester?
Carl Howell: You know, I was sort of thinking the same thing, but I was afraid to ask it.
Emma Pillsbury: Um...
Carl Howell: Are you?
Emma Pillsbury: I feel very confused about my feelings.
Carl Howell: Okay.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm sorry.
Carl Howell: No, you and your feelings can stay at the condo, and I'll be at the Radisson. Thank you, Doctor.
Holly Holliday: Not a doctor.
Emma Pillsbury: Could you please, please not tell Will about this?
Holly Holliday: No, of course not. Of course not.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Holly Holliday: My lips are sealed.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, thank you.
Holly Holliday: Just like your legs! Oh. Ha. Kidding! God. That was rude. Why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that. Whew.



Santana Lopez: Hi.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey.
Santana Lopez: Can we talk?
Brittany S. Pierce: But we never do that.
Santana Lopez: I know, but, um, I wanted to thank you... for performing that song with me in Glee Club.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: 'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking. What I've realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings... feelings for you... that I'm afraid of dealing with, because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.
Brittany S. Pierce: I understand that.
Santana Lopez: Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?
Brittany S. Pierce: Not really.
Santana Lopez: I want to be with you. But I'm afraid of the talks, and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.
Brittany S. Pierce: But, honey... If anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know. But... I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept... that I love you. I love you. And I don't want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please...
Brittany S. Pierce: Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you, if it weren't for Artie.
Santana Lopez: Artie?
Brittany S. Pierce: I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him.
Santana Lopez: Yes, you can. He's just a stupid boy.
Brittany S. Pierce: But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know... If Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single...
Santana Lopez: Don't.
Brittany S. Pierce: I am so yours. Proudly so.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, wow. Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry.
Santana Lopez: Don't... Get off me.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry.



Lauren Zizes: Nerd.
Noah Puckerman: Whoa! Why you gotta hate?
Lauren Zizes: You joined the Celibacy Club?
Noah Puckerman: What the hell? I thought you and me were an item. Lauren. Stop. I need to talk to you about something. I realized something lately. I do a lot of stupid things. Once, on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack. I'm about 90% sure it's still in there. I don't think about consequences. And while I used to think that made me cool, now I just think it makes me a loser. I like you, Lauren. I like wooing you. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it's my favorite part of the day. So I'm making a change. And if that makes me a nerd, fine.
Lauren Zizes: I really do have the urge to punch you. If we can play footsie in Celibacy Club, I'm in. Nerd.



Rachel Berry: I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order.
Noah Puckerman: Where's Ms. Pillsbury?
Rachel Berry: She decided to take the hour she was spending here to use it to fix her sham of a marriage. In the interim, I'll be taking over.
Santana Lopez: Because you annoyingly take over everything?
Rachel Berry: Because I realized that while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful, one day we're going to fall in love with someone, and we're going to choose to be intimate with them.
Noah Puckerman: Speaking of being intimate... What's with the hickey, Quinn?
Quinn Fabray: It's not a hickey.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, I know hickeys. I'm a freakin' connoisseur. I can make them into shapes, like balloon animals.
Quinn Fabray: I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron.
Brittany S. Pierce: The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from getting burnt.
Lauren Zizes: No.
Quinn Fabray: I was sure I was caught.



Finn Hudson: What was that? Is that your mom?
Quinn Fabray: She's at work. She won't be home for hours. Divorce rules. Come here.
Finn Hudson: Ooh! I'll be more careful with the hickey placement next time.
Quinn Fabray: This is so awesome. We have two months until Prom, so we have plenty of time to campaign for Prom King and Queen.
Finn Hudson: But that's not all this is about, though, right?
Quinn Fabray: Look, I made a mistake with Puck. You should have been my first. This is where I belong. With you. Okay?
Finn Hudson: Okay.



Holly Holliday: Hey, hot stuff.
Will Schuester: Holly. Hey. I'm just, uh, walking through some choreography. Got Regionals in a week, and I just want to make sure all the dances are what I like to call "Finn-proof."
Holly Holliday: Oh, well, I won't keep you. I just, um, just came to say good-bye. I'm going over to Shawnee Township to teach algebra.
Will Schuester: Really?
Holly Holliday: Yeah. There were some parent complaints. Apparently, my cucumber demonstration made it impossible to watch VeggieTales the same way ever again. I personally thought it made watching that show hilarious.
Will Schuester: Uh, wow, I... I really don't want to say good-bye.
Holly Holliday: Then maybe we shouldn't. Teaching Santana and Brittany how to get their Stevie Nicks on made me realize how closed off I've been. I'm getting older, too. Maybe I should try a relationship that lasts more than thirty-six hours.
Will Schuester: You're serious?
Holly Holliday: Plus, seeing another woman with the hots for you kinda made me jealous...
Will Schuester: Wait, what?
Holly Holliday: Oh, nothing. I know a lot about sex, Will, but... Maybe it's time I learned a little something about romance.
Will Schuester: Well, I don't know if you've heard... But I happen to be an excellent educator.


Emma Pillsbury: The Celibacy Club will now come to order. Let's start the meeting by reading the minutes from last week's meeting where we read the minutes from the previous meeting, and Rachel spent the hour quizzing Quinn about the nature of her relationship with Finn.
Rachel Berry: Questions somebody still refuses to answer.
Quinn Fabray: And I will continue to refuse to answer them because they are none of your business. All I will reveal is that I rejoined the Celibacy Club to focus on me.
Rachel Berry: Me, too. Finn is kryptonite, which is why I am focusing all my energies now on my songwriting.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes, and I have to say I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy, and for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster. I have a little bit of club swag here that I think's really gonna catch on. Ready? Chastity charms. We hand out the little hearts, but not the key. That way, nobody can open the lock forever. And ladies, that's what keeps us safe.
Rachel Berry: I have some questions. Some things that I... I'm curious about.
Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, why be curious? No, wait to have relations until you're comfortable, right? Maybe till your honeymoon, I don't know. Maybe even later! Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!



Emma Pillsbury: I'm just so disappointed.
Will Schuester: Why? I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on.
Emma Pillsbury: I did, until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.
Will Schuester: I know preaching abstinence is hard, but I've seen how a teen pregnancy can turn a kid's world upside down. So keep fighting the good fight. And I'm happy to do whatever I can to help make celibacy an option for these kids.
Holly Holliday: I don't know, hot stuff. Sounds pretty lame...
Will Schuester: Holly! What are you doing here?
Holly Holliday: Subbing. The health and wellness teacher's out with a mad case of the herp. Yikers.
Will Schuester: Oh, it's so good to see you!
Holly Holliday: You, too!
Will Schuester: Oh, this face, this face! Oh. Oh, this is...
Emma Pillsbury: Emma.
Will Schuester: Emma, Emma Pillsbury.
Holly Holliday: Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
Emma Pillsbury: Very nice to meet you.
Will Schuester: This is Holly Holliday.
Emma Pillsbury: Hi, Holly.
Will Schuester: Have a seat here.
Holly Holliday: Oh, thank you.
Will Schuester: Wow!
Emma Pillsbury: So, I'm curious why you don't, uh, think that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers.
Holly Holliday: Oh, I do. I think it's a valid choice. I just don't think it's that realistic. You know, it's like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions. I just read in the newspaper that ninety high school girls in a Memphis school district got pregnant within three months! I mean, it is Tennessee, but still. We've got to shake things up, you know? Information is power. Oh, and by the way, Will, some of your Glee kids are the most clueless.



Holly Holliday: Demonstration: This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS, and it also prevents pregnancy.
Finn Hudson: Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?
Mercedes Jones: Seriously? 'Cause I just had them on my salad!



Holly Holliday: We've got to educate these kids.
Emma Pillsbury: I strongly disagree. I don't think that we should barrage these kids with graphic information. They're kids. I don't want to steal their innocence.
Holly Holliday: Are you, like, some kind of crazy Pope lady? Think about the images that these kids are exposed to. I mean, think about what they have access to.
Emma Pillsbury: That doesn't make it okay. And it shouldn't change the message that they get from us, which is this is serious stuff and it's not for kids and it's not for adults!
Holly Holliday: Okay, well, I think that's a little naive. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have crazy sex, because I'm crazy informed about it. Kidding. Hasta luego.
Will Schuester: Hasta luego. Oh, man.



Santana Lopez: Hey, Britt-britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening, get our cuddle on?
Brittany S. Pierce: Look, I'd really like to get my sweet lady-kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately. I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with... Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.
Noah Puckerman: It was only a matter of time.
Lauren Zizes: For what?
Noah Puckerman: Brittany to get pregnant.
Lauren Zizes: Oh. Congratulations.
Artie Abrams: For what?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo. You're gonna be a baby daddy.



Will Schuester: All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?
Artie Abrams: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this?
Will Schuester: Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?
Brittany S. Pierce: Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Noah Puckerman: Um... Babies don't get dropped off.
Will Schuester: Wait, Brittany. Have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.



Will Schuester: And that's when I realized you were right.
Holly Holliday: Let's go. Health and wellness Jazzercise class! Do we feel our hearts pumping yet, guys? You see? We have really got to educate these kids.
Will Schuester: How are we going to do that without being too graphic?
Holly Holliday: Breathe it in.
Will Schuester: I want to educate them, not titillate them.
Holly Holliday: Didn't you ever read Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook? It's all about taking vegetables and hiding it in food so that you can trick kids into eating what's good for them. Shake it! Ah! And loose.
Will Schuester: I'm not following.
Holly Holliday: It's Jazzercise, Will. It's really not that hard.
Will Schuester: No.
Holly Holliday: Grease it.
Will Schuester: I'm still talking about the vegetable hiding.
Holly Holliday: All I'm saying is all we have to do is find a way to sneak in the sex education lesson in a less provocative way. And stretch. Oh! You guys were awesome.
Will Schuester: Yeah!
Holly Holliday: How good do we feel? Are we sweating? Yes! Next week, we are going to talk about the power of muscle testing. Yeah? Bye. Love you. Okay. Here's what I think you should do. Let me come into Glee Club this week and I'll show you what I mean. The kids will think that they're getting ready for Regionals, but really I'll slip in a little lesson about how to avoid STDs. And speaking of STDs, how is your dating life?
Will Schuester: Um, right now, I'm the president of the Celibacy Club.
Holly Holliday: Mmm. That's a waste of some fine man-butt.



Will Schuester: Sexy.
Santana Lopez: I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals, because with Berry in those tights, - we don't stand a chance.
Will Schuester: No, this isn't about Regionals. I'm less worried about that right now and more worried about the fact that it's become clear to me that some of you have been lacking when it comes to understanding the... the, uh... the intricacies of adult relationships. Yeah, anyways... Along with preparing for our Regional next week, I want to spend the week educating ourselves about some of these... intricacies.
Rachel Berry: Is this the appropriate forum for that?
Will Schuester: Look, whenever we had, uh, issues in the past that are on our minds or giving us problems, it's always helped us to sing about it. So this week I have invited a special guest. Miss Holiday.
Holly Holliday: Hola, clase.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, no. It's the salad lady.
Holly Holliday: Okay. So sex... It's just like hugging, only wetter.
Artie Abrams: Yeah, it is.
Holly Holliday: Okay, so let's start with the basics. Finn. Is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?
Finn Hudson: I have always been dubious.
Holly Holliday: And Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?
Brittany S. Pierce: I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.
Holly Holliday: Well, that's all gonna end right here, right now. Because today, we are gonna get under the covers all together - and get the ditty on the dirty.
Noah Puckerman: I'm so turned-on right now.
Rachel Berry: Uh, what about those of us who choose to remain celibate?
Holly Holliday: Oh, well, I admire you. Although I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice.
Will Schuester: I think this is a good time for a song.
Holly Holliday: Oh, yes. Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Holly Holliday: Rule number one: Every intimate encounter that you're ever going to have in your life is going to start with a touch. Hit it!
# We've been here too long #
# Tryin' to get along #
# Pretendin' that you're oh so shy #
# I'm a natural ma'am #
# Doin' all I can #
# My temperature is runnin' high #
# Cry at night #
# No one in sight #
# And we got so much to share #
# Talking's fine #
# If you got the time #
# But I ain't got the time to spare #
# Yeah #
# Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
# There, yeah #
New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
# Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Every girl an' boy #
# Needs a little joy #
# All you do is sit an' stare #
# Beggin' on my knees #
# Baby, won't you please #
# Run your fingers through my hair #
# My, my, my #
# Whiskey and rye #
# Don't it make you feel so fine #
# Right or wrong #
# Don't it turn you on #
# Can't you see we're wastin' time, yeah #
# Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do you wanna touch me there, where #
# There, yeah #
New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do ya, do ya #
New Directions: # Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Do ya, do ya #
# Touch me there, #
New Directions: # Yeah #
Holly Holliday: # You know where #
New Directions: # Oh yeah, oh yeah #
Holly Holliday: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah #
# Do ya, do ya #
Holly Holliday: So just remember whenever you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with. And everybody's got a random.



Kurt Hummel: Don't you think it's time for the Warblers to do a Joan Armatrading medley?
Blaine Anderson: Um, I'm not so sure people know who that is.
Sue Sylvester: Well, well, if it isn't my sweet, sweet Porcelain.
Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester. What are you doing here?
Sue Sylvester: Oh, just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot. Actually, boys, I heard that this was a Dalton Academy hangout, and I come in a spirit of fellowship. As you no doubt have heard, I've taken over for the coach of Aural Intensity.
Kurt Hummel: We heard you pushed him down the stairs.
Sue Sylvester: No, you can't prove that.
Kurt Hummel: This is just sort of how she talks.
Sue Sylvester: So, I happen to have some top secret intel. Will Schuester has finally realized that his team's Achilles' heel is their utter lack of sex appeal. The New Directions are getting sexy. And the key to Regionals is out-sexing them. And I suspect that the judges are scoring extra for it this year. So, Porcelain, quid pro quo: What do you have for me?
Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Coach, but you and are not in cahoots.
Sue Sylvester: Probably should have nailed that down before I gave you my top secret intel. Porcelain, you just made a powerful enema.
Blaine Anderson: We got to hold an emergency meeting.
Kurt Hummel: Why?
Blaine Anderson: Weren't you listening? The judges at Regionals have an eye out for something new, which means... The Warblers got to do something sexy-fied.



Emma Pillsbury: I am very disappointed in you, Will. Letting Holly come in and just teach the Glee kids about... stuff. I mean, why didn't you just pair them up, huh? Rent them a bunch of motel rooms?
Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had no choice, Emma. These kids are totally unprepared. Look, in the spirit of fairness, why don't you and the kids in your Celibacy Club come in and do a number?
Emma Pillsbury: What, like, sing?
Will Schuester: Yeah. We're trying to teach through song. And yours can be a counterargument to Holly's.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall. You know what I mean.



Lauren Zizes: Well, Puckerman, it's your lucky day.
Noah Puckerman: You're finally going to let me motorboat those twins?
Lauren Zizes: Remember I told you I had a master plan? Here it is. Can you think of a celebrity who released a tape of their intimate relations that didn't make them more famous?
Noah Puckerman: If this is going where I think it's going, I may need to sit down.
Lauren Zizes: Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer. I just want to be famous. Doing that number for Glee Club was my first step toward being a star. I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show and a fragrance. It'll be called Zizes, and the slogan will be "You just got Ziced!"
Noah Puckerman: I'm not sure I heard that last part right, 'cause I'm getting a little light-headed, but if we make one of those tape, that means...
Lauren Zizes: Wow. If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills at deduction, I'm in for a wild night.



Blaine Anderson: I would like to welcome the ladies of our sister school, Crawford Country Day. As you know, the Warblers are competing in our show choir's Regionals competition next week. So, what we're going for here today, ladies, is something a little... a little sexy. But we need your input. Are we scream worthy? Do we make your knees turn to jelly? So, without further ado, hang on to your bobby socks, girls, 'cause we're about to rock your world.
The Warblers: # Na, na, na, na, na, na #
# Na, na, na, na, na, na #
Blaine Anderson: # Here we go again #
# I feel the chemicals kickin' in #
# It's gettin heavy #
# And I wanna run and hide #
# I wanna run and hide. #
Kurt Hummel: # I do it every time #
# You're killin' me now #
Kurt & Blaine: # And I won't be denied by you #
# The animal inside of you. #
Blaine Anderson: # Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Take a bite of my heart tonight. Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Say goodbye to my heart tonight. #
Kurt & Blaine: # Hush hush the world is quiet #
# Hush hush we both can't fight it #
# It's us that made this mess #
# Why can't you understand? #
# No, I won't sleep tonight. #
Blaine Anderson: # Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# Take a bite of my heart tonight. Wo, oh #
# I want some more #
# Wo, oh #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' for? #
# What are you waitin' #
Kurt Hummel: # Here we go again #
# Here we go again #
# Here we go again #
Blaine Anderson: # Say goodbye to my heart tonight. #
Crawford Girl: Call us.
Blaine Anderson: Sweet, but not on your team. Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.
Kurt Hummel: Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.
Blaine Anderson: It just looked like you were having gas pains or something.
Kurt Hummel: Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at Regionals and sell sexy to the judges when I have as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?
Blaine Anderson: We'll figure something out.



Brittany S. Pierce: I want to talk to you about something. I really like when we make out and stuff.
Santana Lopez: Which isn't cheating, because...?
Brittany S. Pierce: The plumbing's different.
Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.
Brittany S. Pierce: But when Artie and I are together, we talk about stuff, like feelings.
Santana Lopez: Why?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because with feelings, it's better.
Santana Lopez: Are you kidding? It's better when it doesn't involve feelings. I think it's better when it doesn't involve eye contact.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. I guess I just don't know how I feel about us.
Santana Lopez: Look... Let's be clear here. I'm not interested in any labels, unless it's on something I shoplift.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know, Santana. I think we should talk to somebody. Like an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me.
Santana Lopez: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, sometimes it's sweet, and sometimes it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?



Noah Puckerman: Those linens are incredible.
Lauren Zizes: I know. Is that Egyptian cotton?
Noah Puckerman: Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff?
Lauren Zizes: It classes it up.
Noah Puckerman: If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy, I'll watch E!
Lauren Zizes: Touch me.
Noah Puckerman: We're not putting any of that stuff in ours.
Lauren Zizes: Well, maybe...
Holly Holliday: Hey, guys. What's going on?
Noah Puckerman: Oh, hey, Miss H. Hey, can you help us out?
Holly Holliday: Uh, yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Lauren and I are gonna make a sex tape.
Lauren Zizes: So I can get a recording contract.
Holly Holliday: Wow. Okay. Well, first, can I just say that I'm very impressed by not only your ambition, but by how comfortable you are with your own bodies?
Lauren Zizes: Easy to be comfortable when you look this good. You know what I mean?
Holly Holliday: Agreed. Uh, now for the downside. Are you aware that because you're under eighteen years of age, making and owning a sex tape could make you guilty of child pornography? Listen, guys, don't take this too hard, all right? These things just... They never work out well. My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster.
Noah Puckerman: Thanks, Miss H.
Holly Holliday: Later, dudes. Ladies.
Santana Lopez: Miss Holiday, we need your help.



Brittany S. Pierce: So, why are we sitting on the floor?
Holly Holliday: 'Cause we're in Japan. No.Welcome to my sacred, sexy sharing circle. I want to thank you guys for confiding in me, 'cause I know this is tough. And I want to ask both of you if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I mean, who knows? I'm attracted to girls, and I'm attracted to guys. I've made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.
Holly Holliday: Hmm. Well, we've all been there. I went to an all-girls college where the only industry in the town was the manufacturing of softball equipment. I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco. Ooh! Anyway, it's not about who you are attracted to, ultimately. It's about who you fall in love with.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I don't know how I feel, because Santana refuses to talk about it.
Holly Holliday: Okay, well, I know talking about feelings can be really hard, so I have an idea. Why don't you guys find a song and see if maybe the lyrics of the song could help you start a dialogue going?
Santana Lopez: I could be down with that. I have the perfect song. There's just one problem, though. Brit and I may need your help to sing it.
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.



Blaine Anderson: All right, so give me sensual. But don't make fun of it. Like, really try. Okay. Now give me... sultry. Um, Kurt, they're all sort of looking the same.
Kurt Hummel: That's because the face I'm actually doing is uncomfortable. This is pointless, Blaine. I don't know how to be sexy, because I don't know the first thing about sex.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, you're blushing.
Kurt Hummel: I've tried watching those movies, but I just get horribly depressed. And I think about how they were all kids once, and they all have mothers. And, God, what would their mothers think? And why would you get that tattoo there?
Blaine Anderson: Then maybe we should have a conversation about it. I'll tell you what I know.
Kurt Hummel: I don't... I don't want to know the graphic details. I like romance. That's why I like Broadway musicals, because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, you're going to have to learn about it someday.
Kurt Hummel: Well, not today. I think I've learned quite enough for today, thank you. I think you should leave.



Will Schuester: So just nice and easy. I don't want to go too far away from the original version.
Holly Holliday: Since when do you need help singing in front of the Glee Club?
Will Schuester: Oh, it's not about the singing. I'm trying to make Prince's "Kiss" into a tango. Just want to make sure it's appropriate.
Holly Holliday: "Kiss" as a tango? That's awesome and ridiculous.
Will Schuester: Anyway, I want to do this right for the sexy lesson. So picture us in the auditorium, big backdrop, lighting, costume, the whole thing. Hit it.
# Uh! #
# You don't have to be beautiful to turn me on #
# I just need your body baby #
# From dusk till dawn #
Holly Holliday: # You don't need experience #
# To turn me out #
# You just leave it all up to me #
# I'm gonna show you what it's all about #
Will & Holly: # You don't have to be rich #
# To be my girl #
# You don't have to be cool #
# To rule my world #
# Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with #
# I just want your extra time and your #
# Kiss #
Holly Holliday: # Yeah... #
Will & Holly: # Women not girls rule my world #
# I said they rule my world #
# Act your age, mama #
# Not your shoe size #
Will Schuester: # Not your shoe size #
Will & Holly: # Maybe we can do the twirl #
Holly Holliday: # You don't have to watch Dynasty #
# To have an attitude #
Will & Holly: # You just leave it all up to me #
Holly Holliday: # My love will be your food #
Will Schuester: # Yeah #
Will & Holly: # You don't have to be rich #
# To be my girl #
# You don't have to be cool #
# To rule my world #
# Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with #
# I just want your extra time and your #
# Kiss #
Will Schuester: I am so into you.
Holly Holliday: Don't be.
Will Schuester: Go out with me.
Holly Holliday: Oh, you don't want any of this. I'm damaged goods. Yes, it makes me terrific in bed, but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you into Wasa crackers.
Will Schuester: Oh, I think I can handle it.
Holly Holliday: You married your high school sweetheart, and then you went out with a virgin. It's a great song. You don't need me, though. The kids are going to love it.



Blaine Anderson: Need a hand?
Burt Hummel: Yeah, why don't you hand me that carburetor? How'd you know which one it was?
Blaine Anderson: My dad and I rebuilt a '59 Chevy in our driveway two summers ago. One of his many attempts at bonding.
Burt Hummel: You here looking for parts?
Blaine Anderson: No, actually. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Kurt.
Burt Hummel: Is he okay?
Blaine Anderson: Have you ever talked to him about sex?
Burt Hummel: Are you gay or straight or what?
Blaine Anderson: I'm definitely gay.
Burt Hummel: Okay. Good. I mean, you know, whatever, but, uh... You know, good for Kurt. He needs someone like you to talk to.
Blaine Anderson: Well, that's kind of my point. I've tried talking to him, but he basically puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing.
Burt Hummel: Well, when he's ready, he'll listen.
Blaine Anderson: I'm worried that it might be too late. You know, Dalton doesn't even have sex ed classes. Most schools don't, and the ones that do almost never discuss what sex is like for gay kids. Kurt is... is the most moral, compassionate person I've ever met.
Burt Hummel: You know, he gets that from his mother.
Blaine Anderson: And... And I am blown away by your guys' relationship. You think my dad built a car with me because he loves cars? I think he did it because he thought getting my hands dirty might make me straight.
Burt Hummel: You know, did he talk to you about this, uh, kind of stuff?
Blaine Anderson: No. I had to go find it for myself. The Internet is great, and all the information is out there, but I went searching for it. Kurt won't. And one day, he'll be at a party, and maybe have a few drinks and then he'll meet some guy and start fooling around. And he's not going to know about using protection or STDs. I don't have the relationship with my dad that you have with Kurt. I think it would be really cool if you took advantage of that. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.
Burt Hummel: You are.



Holly Holliday: # I took my love and I took it down #
# I climbed a mountain and I turned around #
# And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills #
# Where the landslide brought me down. #
# Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? #
# Can the child within my heart #
Santana & Holly: Rise above? #
# Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? #
# Can I handle the seasons of my life? #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #
Brittany & Santana: # Oh, oh... #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #
Brittany & Santana: # Oh, oh... #
Holly Holliday: # Oh, oh... #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Well, I've been afraid of changin' #
# Cause I've built my life around you #
Brittany & Santana: # But time makes you bolder #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Children get older #
# And I'm getting older too #
Holly Holliday: # Well, I'm getting older too #
# So.. take this love and take it down #
# Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you... #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # ...turn around #
# And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills #
Holly Holliday: # Where the landslide brought me down #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills #
Holly Holliday: # Well maybe... #
Holly, Brittany & Santana: # Well maybe... #
Holly Holliday: # The landslide will bring you down #
Brittany S. Pierce: Is that really how you feel?
Santana Lopez: Uh, yeah. Thank you.
Sam Evans: Pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends, right? I wish you and I were that close.
Rachel Berry: Can I just applaud this trio for exploring the uncharted world of Sapphic charm? Brava. Brava.
Santana Lopez: Look, just because I sang a song with Brittany doesn't mean that you can put a label on me. Is that clear?



Emma Pillsbury: This meeting of the Celibacy Club will now come to order. Before we begin, I would just like to start by congratulating you by reminding you not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year. You get tenses for menses. I'd also like to welcome our newest member, Noah Puckerman.
Rachel Berry: Are you lost, Noah?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, you don't belong here. You're the biggest French whore of them all.
Noah Puckerman: Zizes and I were going to make a sex tape. I found out that making that tape would have resulted in my arrest. I've hit rock bottom, and I've come here to set myself straight.
Emma Pillsbury: That's just awesome, Noah. And you're just in time, because tomorrow the girls and I are going to perform a song for Glee Club extolling the benefits of celibacy.
Noah Puckerman: I'm down for that. Point of order, though. While three chicks and me is just a typical Saturday night in the Puckerman bedroom, it's not the best balance for singing. We need at least one more dude.
Emma Pillsbury: I've got that covered.



Carl Howell: # Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
# Gonna grab some afternoon delight.
Noah Puckerman: # My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right.
# Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.
Rachel Berry: # When everything's a little clearer in the light of day.
# And you know the night is always gonna be here any way.
Quinn & Emma: # Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
# Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
# Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
# And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Celibacy Club: # Sky rockets in flight.
# Afternoon delight.
# Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.
Holly Holliday: Hi. Um, Holly here.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah?
Holly Holliday: So I'm a little confused. Isn't this a strange song for the... the Celibacy Club to sing?
Emma Pillsbury: But why? It's so wholesome. It was written during the Bicentennial to celebrate America and fireworks...
Holly Holliday: No, it's about sneaking out for a nooner.
Emma Pillsbury: Yes. Exactly! A nooner's when you have dessert in the middle of the day, right? Right, Carl?
Will Schuester: Well, regardless... It was a great job, guys. Great number.
Holly Holliday: It was... It was fantastic.
Will Schuester: Hey, Glee Club, let's go.
Carl Howell: Miss Holliday? Excuse me a second. Miss Holliday? You're still the, um... You're still the acting sex-ed teacher, right?
Holly Holliday: You know it, brother.
Carl Howell: Uh, you don't happen to have any office hours, do you?
Holly Holliday: Sure.
Emma Pillsbury: Afternoon Delight is a dessert. It's made with coconut and pineapple and marshmallow fluff.
Carl Howell: I think Emma and I need an appointment.



Kurt Hummel: What are those?
Burt Hummel: Those are some pamphlets that I picked up from the free clinic. I thought it might help the process along, because it is time you and I had "the talk."
Kurt Hummel: No, it's not.
Burt Hummel: Yes, it is. You told me to educate myself.
Kurt Hummel: La, la, la! La, la, la!
Burt Hummel: Hey, you think this is easy for me?
Kurt Hummel: La, la, la, la!
Burt Hummel: Okay, believe me, I want to do this even less than you do. This is going to suck for both of us, but we are going to get through it together, and we will both be better men because of it. Now, first, most of the, um... mechanics of what you're going to be doing is covered in the pamphlets. Okay, so, I want you to read them, and then I want you to come talk to me about it. Deal?
Kurt Hummel: Okay.
Burt Hummel: All right. Now. Hey, sit down. We're just getting started. All right. You know, for most guys, sex is just... You know... It's this thing we always want to do. You know, it's fun. It feels great. But we're not really thinking too much about, you know, how it makes us feel on the inside or, you know, how the other person feels about it.
Kurt Hummel: Women are different?
Burt Hummel: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical. You know, when... When you're intimate with somebody in that way, you're exposing yourself. You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten in way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.
Kurt Hummel: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.
Burt Hummel: No. It's going to be worse. Okay? Because it's two guys. With two guys, you've got two people who think that sex is just sex. It's gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff, you're not going to want to stop. You just... You've got to know that it means something. You know, it's doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though it feels like you're just having fun.
Kurt Hummel: So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?
Burt Hummel: I think on your thirtieth birthday, it is a great gift to yourself. Kurt... When you're ready... I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: Is that it?
Burt Hummel: That's it. For now. Can I make you some toast?
Kurt Hummel: I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets. Thank you, Dad.
Burt Hummel: You're welcome.



Holly Holliday: Now, I hear you guys are having some problems.
Emma Pillsbury: I wouldn't call them problems.
Carl Howell: No, we are. We really, really are. We're having problems.
Holly Holliday: When is the last time that you...
Carl Howell: Never.
Holly Holliday: I beg your pardon?
Carl Howell: We've been married four months and we still haven't done the deed.
Holly Holliday: Girlfriend, what is up with that? He's hot! You're thirty.
Emma Pillsbury: I haven't felt comfortable. So...
Holly Holliday: Well, what is it that you do?
Emma Pillsbury: Um, okay... So we cuddle a lot.
Carl Howell: A lot.
Emma Pillsbury: A lot.
Carl Howell: We cuddle too much.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, well, no...
Carl Howell: We're... We're cuddle monsters.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Okay. We... We watch the Housewives shows, which are so, so racy. Racy!
Carl Howell: It's not like I haven't tried. I try. I've made her romantic dinners. I give her roses, and every time I try to touch her... That happens.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm so sorry.
Holly Holliday: Okay, look. I am not a doctor, okay? I don't even like doctor TV shows. Unless it's one of those ones where people strap bombs to their chest. Love those. So I would like to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it very seriously. Are you still in love with Will Schuester?
Carl Howell: You know, I was sort of thinking the same thing, but I was afraid to ask it.
Emma Pillsbury: Um...
Carl Howell: Are you?
Emma Pillsbury: I feel very confused about my feelings.
Carl Howell: Okay.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm sorry.
Carl Howell: No, you and your feelings can stay at the condo, and I'll be at the Radisson. Thank you, Doctor.
Holly Holliday: Not a doctor.
Emma Pillsbury: Could you please, please not tell Will about this?
Holly Holliday: No, of course not. Of course not.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Holly Holliday: My lips are sealed.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, thank you.
Holly Holliday: Just like your legs! Oh. Ha. Kidding! God. That was rude. Why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that. Whew.



Santana Lopez: Hi.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey.
Santana Lopez: Can we talk?
Brittany S. Pierce: But we never do that.
Santana Lopez: I know, but, um, I wanted to thank you... for performing that song with me in Glee Club.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: 'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking. What I've realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings... feelings for you... that I'm afraid of dealing with, because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.
Brittany S. Pierce: I understand that.
Santana Lopez: Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?
Brittany S. Pierce: Not really.
Santana Lopez: I want to be with you. But I'm afraid of the talks, and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.
Brittany S. Pierce: But, honey... If anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know. But... I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept... that I love you. I love you. And I don't want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please...
Brittany S. Pierce: Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you, if it weren't for Artie.
Santana Lopez: Artie?
Brittany S. Pierce: I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him.
Santana Lopez: Yes, you can. He's just a stupid boy.
Brittany S. Pierce: But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know... If Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single...
Santana Lopez: Don't.
Brittany S. Pierce: I am so yours. Proudly so.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, wow. Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck?
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry.
Santana Lopez: Don't... Get off me.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm sorry.



Lauren Zizes: Nerd.
Noah Puckerman: Whoa! Why you gotta hate?
Lauren Zizes: You joined the Celibacy Club?
Noah Puckerman: What the hell? I thought you and me were an item. Lauren. Stop. I need to talk to you about something. I realized something lately. I do a lot of stupid things. Once, on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack. I'm about 90% sure it's still in there. I don't think about consequences. And while I used to think that made me cool, now I just think it makes me a loser. I like you, Lauren. I like wooing you. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it's my favorite part of the day. So I'm making a change. And if that makes me a nerd, fine.
Lauren Zizes: I really do have the urge to punch you. If we can play footsie in Celibacy Club, I'm in. Nerd.



Rachel Berry: I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order.
Noah Puckerman: Where's Ms. Pillsbury?
Rachel Berry: She decided to take the hour she was spending here to use it to fix her sham of a marriage. In the interim, I'll be taking over.
Santana Lopez: Because you annoyingly take over everything?
Rachel Berry: Because I realized that while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful, one day we're going to fall in love with someone, and we're going to choose to be intimate with them.
Noah Puckerman: Speaking of being intimate... What's with the hickey, Quinn?
Quinn Fabray: It's not a hickey.
Noah Puckerman: Oh, I know hickeys. I'm a freakin' connoisseur. I can make them into shapes, like balloon animals.
Quinn Fabray: I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron.
Brittany S. Pierce: The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from getting burnt.
Lauren Zizes: No.
Quinn Fabray: I was sure I was caught.



Finn Hudson: What was that? Is that your mom?
Quinn Fabray: She's at work. She won't be home for hours. Divorce rules. Come here.
Finn Hudson: Ooh! I'll be more careful with the hickey placement next time.
Quinn Fabray: This is so awesome. We have two months until Prom, so we have plenty of time to campaign for Prom King and Queen.
Finn Hudson: But that's not all this is about, though, right?
Quinn Fabray: Look, I made a mistake with Puck. You should have been my first. This is where I belong. With you. Okay?
Finn Hudson: Okay.



Holly Holliday: Hey, hot stuff.
Will Schuester: Holly. Hey. I'm just, uh, walking through some choreography. Got Regionals in a week, and I just want to make sure all the dances are what I like to call "Finn-proof."
Holly Holliday: Oh, well, I won't keep you. I just, um, just came to say good-bye. I'm going over to Shawnee Township to teach algebra.
Will Schuester: Really?
Holly Holliday: Yeah. There were some parent complaints. Apparently, my cucumber demonstration made it impossible to watch VeggieTales the same way ever again. I personally thought it made watching that show hilarious.
Will Schuester: Uh, wow, I... I really don't want to say good-bye.
Holly Holliday: Then maybe we shouldn't. Teaching Santana and Brittany how to get their Stevie Nicks on made me realize how closed off I've been. I'm getting older, too. Maybe I should try a relationship that lasts more than thirty-six hours.
Will Schuester: You're serious?
Holly Holliday: Plus, seeing another woman with the hots for you kinda made me jealous...
Will Schuester: Wait, what?
Holly Holliday: Oh, nothing. I know a lot about sex, Will, but... Maybe it's time I learned a little something about romance.
Will Schuester: Well, I don't know if you've heard... But I happen to be an excellent educator.
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216. Original Song

放送日:2011年3月15日


Blaine Anderson: # Oh yeah #
The Warblers: # Ooooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh yeah #
The Warblers: # Oooh, aaa) #
Blaine Anderson: # So scared of breaking it #
# That you won't let it bend #
# Now I wrote two hundred letters #
# I will never send #
# Sometimes these cuts are so much #
# Deeper then they seem #
# You'd rather cover up #
# I'd rather let them be #
# So let me be #
# And I'll set you free #
# I am in misery #
# There ain't nobody #
# Who can comfort me, oh yeah #
# Why won't you answer me? #
# The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah #
# Girl you really got me bad #
# You really got me bad #
# Now I'm gonna get you back #
# I'm gonna get you back #
# You say your faith is shaken #
# You may be mistaken #
# You keep me wide awake and #
# Waiting for the sun #
# I'm desperate and confused #
# So far away from you #
# I'm getting there #
# I don't care where I have to go #
# Why do you do what you do to me, yeah #
# Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah #
# Why do you do what you do to me yeah #
# Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah #
# I am in misery #
# There ain't nobody #
# Who can comfort me, oh yeah #
# Girl you really got me bad #
# You really got me bad #
# Now I'm gonna get you back #
# I'm gonna get you back #
Hey, Regionals? You've just met our opening number.
The Warblers: That was so good.
Blaine Anderson: How did you manage to find a Burberry-esque canary cage cover?
Kurt Hummel: Canaries don't like cold weather. Especially Pavarotti.
Blaine Anderson: So, what did you think of the song?
Kurt Hummel: Can I be really honest with you? Because it comes from a place of caring. Been there, done that. Look, you're amazing, Blaine. Your solos are breathtaking. They're also numerous.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, the council decides who gets the solos. Do I detect a little jealousy?
Kurt Hummel: No, you detect a lot of jealousy. Look, Blaine, sometimes I don't feel like we're the Warblers. I feel like we're Blaine and the Pips.



Rachel Berry: Okay, so, I really took all of your notes from "My Headband" to heart. And I... I really tapped into my pain for this second song. So come and sit down. These are for you. Just in case. It's pretty emotional. Don't be afraid, if you need to... Hit it.
# You've got just one egg. #
# You're not going to make an omelette. #
# Flying just one way, #
# You're not going to make a jet set, #
# Sister, brother, wherefore are thou? #
# No need for bunk beds in my bedroom, now #
# Oh, damn you, dads. #
# Why did you settle for only me? #
# I'm an only child, #
# More than enough for them, but not enough for me. #
# Only child, only child, only child... #
# The only Berry on my family tree. #
It's called "Only Child."
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I got that. Uh... It's better than "My Headband," that's for sure. But it... It still feels like you're just playing scared. You're only dealing with the easy pain. You got to get to the hard stuff. That's what's relatable to everybody.
Rachel Berry: I... I'm perfectly capable of accessing my pain. I cry every time I sing a solo.
Finn Hudson: Exactly. When you sing, I can feel it. I guess you just got to go inside yourself to wherever the singing comes from, and write from there.
Rachel Berry: Have you even ever tried to write a song?
Quinn Fabray: Sometimes I worry about Finn. I mean, how damaged does a guy have to be to be into someone as annoying as Rachel? Still, he is a good guy, and I do really like him. He's my first love, and first loves are forever. And another thing, without him I'm never going to get one of these. I know what you're thinking. "Prom queen? You're smart and super pretty and relatively sane for a girl. Does being prom queen really matter to you?" Well, it does. Prom queens live, on average, five years longer than regular people. It's probably because they smile a lot, and smiling has been proven to ward off diseases. But I can't do it without Finn. He's a shoo-in for prom king, and after winning the big game, he'll help me land crucial swing votes. Amazingly, the only person standing in my way is her and her damn talent. If I'm going to guarantee that he doesn't stray with her, I'm going to have to play it right. They say, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Well, Rachel Berry, you just got yourself a new best friend.



Kurt Hummel: Pavarotti?



Blaine Anderson: Warblers! Warblers! I am merely suggesting that instead of wearing blue ties with red piping, we wear jackets with red ties and blue piping for the competition.
Trent Nixon: This is a kangaroo court!
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, what's wrong?
Kurt Hummel: It's Pavarotti. Pavarotti is dead. I suspect a stroke.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Kurt Hummel: I know it's really stupid to be upset about a bird, but... He... He inspired me with his optimism, and his love of song. He was my friend. Now, I know today we need to practice doo-wopping behind Blaine while he sings every solo in the medley of P!nk songs, but I'd like to sing a song for Pavarotti today.
# Blackbird singing in the dead of night #
# Take these broken wings, and learn to fly. #
# All your life, #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
# Blackbird singing in the dead of night, #
# Take these sunken eyes, and learn to see. #
# All your life, #
# You were only waiting for this moment to be free. #
# Blackbird, fly. #
# Blackbird, fly #
# Into the light of the dark black night. #
# Blackbird, fly. #
# Blackbird, fly #
# Into the light of the dark black night. #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
Thank you.



Will Schuester: Guys, I've got some bad news. You know how we decided on "Sing" by My Chemical Romance for Regionals? Well, I hold in my hand a cease and desist letter from the band. We can't do it.
Noah Puckerman: It was the perfect anthem.
Mercedes Jones: How much do you want to bet Coach Sylvester has something to do with this?
Will Schuester: One step ahead of you.



Will Schuester: Do you know anything about this, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I do. Now, I met the drummer from My Chemical Romance at a drum circle at Daytona Beach, Spring Break, 1996. We had a brief affair. And when I heard of your song choice for Regionals, well, I was compelled to notify the band about your long-running legal battle with PETA.
Will Schuester: That is not true.
Sue Sylvester: You took away my Cheerios! Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.



Mercedes Jones: So what are we going to do now?
Rachel Berry: I think we should write original songs for Regionals.
Santana Lopez: All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?
Quinn Fabray: No. I think Rachel is right. This team works best when we push ourselves and do something a little different.
Mercedes Jones: That's true, but if all the other teams are doing amazing songs we're not going to be so good.
Quinn Fabray: You're right. We're not going to be as good. We're going to be better. We won't be using other people's words or music. It'll be our own. Our own heart, soul, not just our voices. We have a really talented songwriter in our midst. Rachel. I was thinking maybe you and I could write a song together.
Finn Hudson: I'm with Quinn and Rachel. I mean, if these two can agree on something, it's probably an idea worth considering.
Santana Lopez: Wait, wait, so suddenly, you two are writing the music for Regionals? No way. I think that everyone should get a chance to write a song.
Sam Evans: Santana's right. We can do this.
Mercedes Jones: What do you think, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: I think we're doing original songs for Regionals.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. Can I ask you a question? We used to be really close, and I really miss being your friend.
Santana Lopez: Still waiting for the question.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did I do something wrong?
Santana Lopez: No. Look, I don't know. Did you? All I know is you blew me off to be with Stumbles McCripplepants. That's fine. It's your loss. 'Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're going to sing at Regionals.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana Lopez: I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Look, can you stop staring at me? I can't remember my locker combo.
Sue Sylvester: Well, well. If it isn't Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Fake-Boobs.
Brittany S. Pierce: You know, you can't talk to us like that. You're not our cheer coach anymore.
Sue Sylvester: I'm not anybody's cheer-leading coach anymore. You betrayed me, and in case you haven't heard, I like to play dirty.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't even remember putting that in there.



Thad Harwood: You know, I think Blaine's version of the song is actually better than the original.
David Thompson: But it's not in his natural key, so...
Thad Harwood: How dare you.
Blaine Anderson: Enough. I'm tired of this.
Thad Harwood: I agree. I think we should just let you pick the song that you want to sing.
Blaine Anderson: No, I'm tired of the Warblers being all about me. David, please make sure everything I'm about to say goes down in the official minutes. We are going to lose at Regionals.
The Warblers: What?!
Blaine Anderson: I am incredibly grateful for the belief you've all given me, as a junior member, to lead you all in these wonderful songs this year. But, from what Kurt has told me about New Directions, I just know I can't beat them on my own. Which is why I propose that we rearrange our 11:00 number and turn it into a duet. To showcase other talent in this group.
David Thompson: Why don't we just play it on kazoos?
Blaine Anderson: Point of order! Point of order! Now, we all lost one of our own this week. Pavarotti's voice was silenced by death, and I don't want to silence anyone else's voices in this group. I think Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny, tiny, little grave.
Kurt Hummel: The placement of which has yet to be determined.
Wesley Montgomery: All right, a vote. Who's in favor of Warbler Blaine's proposal for a dual lead at Regionals?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, can I put my name on the audition list?
Blaine Anderson: No. No auditions. I want to sing the duet with Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: That's ridiculous. I mean, there are so many great voices. I mean, everyone deserves a shot at that honor.
Blaine Anderson: All in favor of Kurt being my duet partner at Regionals?
Wesley Montgomery: Decided.
Thad Harwood: Congratulations, Kurt.
The Warblers: Congratulations.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, let's hear it for our first songwriting seminar. While Quinn and Rachel are hard at work, we're gonna try to write an anthem of our own. Now, these are rhyming dictionaries for all of you.
Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue? Tina and I have been already working on a song that I wrote.
Will Schuester: Really? That's amazing. Well, can we hear it?
Santana Lopez: This is a song that I wrote for Sam. It's called, "Trouty Mouth."
Sam Evans: Wait, what's it called?
Mike Chang: "Trouty Mouth."
Santana Lopez: # Guppy Face, #
# Trouty Mouth, #
# Is that how people's lips look where you come from in the South? #
# Grouper Mouth, #
# Froggy Lips, #
# I love suckin' on those salamander lips. #
# Wanna put a fish hook in those lips, so cherry red #
# If you tried hard enough, you could suck a baby's head! #
# Whoo! #
Sam Evans: Okay. Can we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes.
Santana Lopez: Sit down. I'm not finished.
Sam Evans: Yes, you are. Mr. Schue, we're not doing a song at Regionals - called "Trouty Mouth."
Will Schuester: You know what? I have to agree with Sam on this one. But such a good first effort. I just don't think it's got the, um, epic feel we need for Regionals.
Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue? I wrote a song, too. I wrote it for Lauren. I know that when I sang "Fat-Bottomed Girls," it might have hurt her feelings a little bit, but I think this makes up for it. It's got a bit of a rockabilly feel, so it could give us an edge this weekend.
Will Schuester: All right. Show us what you got.
Noah Puckerman: It's called "Big Ass... Heart."
# My girl went to the doctor cause her heart had palpitations #
# He said cut the carbs, or else she'd end up pushing up carnations #
# She stepped up on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh Lordy" #
# If you don't drop a few girl, you won't make it past age forty #
# My girl said, "Hey lookie, on that fancy x-ray chart" #
# Said the doctor, "Holy hell that's one G.D. big ass heart" #
# I'm telling you my friend, my girl's got a big ass heart #
# When she shops for groceries that heart gets its own damn cart #
# That big ass heart can pump two tons of love through her chest #
# And then sit down and win a lovin' pie-eating contest #
# I love that big ass heart so much I think it isn't fair #
# Like how your heart won't pay me back for breaking all my chairs #
# So sick with love I think I'm coming down with rickets #
# When that big ass heart flies coach it has to pay for two plane tickets #
# Oh, that big ass heart #
# Oh, that big ass heart #
Will Schuester: All right, guys, well, let's, uh, let's make Puck's song a contender, but I don't totally think we're there yet. So, everyone, look at your rhyming dictionaries, and let's work on banging out some songs that rock.



Quinn Fabray: What do you want to wear to prom?
Finn Hudson: Prom? What?
Quinn Fabray: Look, I know you're excited about Regionals. So am I. Wasn't I the one that supported Rachel's crazy original song idea?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. That was cool, by the way.
Quinn Fabray: But whether we win that or even Nationals, it's not going to put you and I back where we belong.
Finn Hudson: Which is where?
Quinn Fabray: On top.
Finn Hudson: On top of what?
Quinn Fabray: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It's the ultimate status symbol. So after Regionals, we'll go public with our relationship, and start the campaign.
Finn Hudson: I don't think that's a good idea.
Quinn Fabray: Why? Because of Rachel?
Finn Hudson: She's really fragile right now. I just think we should wait until after Nationals.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, first, it was after Regionals. Now it's after Nationals? Do you want to be in this relationship or not?
Finn Hudson: Whoa. Scary Quinn. Okay. Uh... After Regionals.
Quinn Fabray: After Regionals.



Blaine Anderson: What's that?
Kurt Hummel: I'm decorating Pavarotti's casket.
Blaine Anderson: Well, finish up. I have the perfect song for our number, and we should practice.
Kurt Hummel: Do tell.
Blaine Anderson: "Candles" by Hey Monday.
Kurt Hummel: I'm impressed. You're usually so Top 40.
Blaine Anderson: Well, I just wanted something a little more emotional.
Kurt Hummel: Why did you pick me to sing that song with?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, there is a moment... When you say to yourself, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever." Watching you do "Blackbird" this week... That was a moment for me. About you. You move me, Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you. Um, we should... We should practice.
Kurt Hummel: I thought we were.



Mercedes Jones: # Mama said, "Get your ass out of bed." #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# Said, "Wash yo grandma's nasty head." #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# They tried to take away my tots #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# Yeah, 'cause I'm the one that calls the shots #
# And I say hell to the no #
# Try to make me change my weave, #
# Well I got something up my sleeve #
# It's a whole lotta #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# I said #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Tell me I should eat my Wheaties, you know what #
# Hell to the no #
Tina, Brittany, Lauren & Santana: # Hell to the no #
Mercedes Jones: # Tell me I'll come down with diabetes #
# Hell to the no #
Tina, Brittany, Lauren & Santana: # Hell to the no #
# Try to make me change my eats #
# But baby that just isn't me #
# I'm a whole lot of #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Take me you can leave me but I won't ever change #
# If you don't like the rules don't play my game #
# Time for me to get R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but if I don't, it's all in me #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Aw, hell to the no... #
Will Schuester: Mercedes. Really, really good.
Mercedes Jones: Thank you.
Will Schuester: But, um...
Mercedes Jones: "But," my butt, Mr. Schue. That song was amazing.
Will Schuester: No, I agree. I'm just not sure that it's Regionals material.
Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue, I wrote another verse of "Trouty Mouth."
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Guys, guys. Just... Just think about it. What's your favorite song of all time?
Brittany S. Pierce: "My Headband."
Santana Lopez: Alanis Morissette's - "You Oughta Know."
Noah Puckerman: "What's Going On," Marvin Gaye.
Lauren Zizes: Puckerman, you're on a roll.
Will Schuester: Okay, and what are all those songs about?
Brittany S. Pierce: Headbands.
Will Schuester: All these songs come from a place of pain. The greatest songs are about hurt, and that's the side of yourselves I want you to get in touch with.
Artie Abrams: That should be easy. Coach Sylvester tortures us for no reason and tries to get the entire school to hate us.
Santana Lopez: Yesterday, she filled Britt's and my locker with dirt.
Will Schuester: Okay. Okay, slow down. Slow down.
Mercedes Jones: She literally throws sticks at me.



Mercedes Jones: What are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: Throwing sticks at your head. I'm going to crush you at Regionals.



Will Schuester: Okay, what else? What else?
Tina Cohen-Chang: She called the Ohio Secretary of State, saying she was me and that I want to legally change my name to "Tina Cohen-Loser."
Will Schuester: She...
Tina Cohen-Chang: Mean. Mean.
Will Schuester: Okay, and how does that make you feel?
Finn Hudson: Well, at first it hurts, but... Then it mostly makes you want to win.
Will Schuester: Guys... I think you may have just found your song. Now let's get to writing.



Quinn Fabray: You're late.
Rachel Berry: We're friends, right?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, I guess so.
Rachel Berry: I mean, like everything happened last year. You gave your baby to my mom. We kind of bonded over it, right?
Quinn Fabray: What's your point?
Rachel Berry: My point is... Is that I know we haven't spent a lot of time together this year, but I thought that we were close enough to be honest with each other.
Quinn Fabray: Go ahead, ask me.
Rachel Berry: Fine. Are you and Finn together?
Quinn Fabray: Yes. It's been a couple of weeks. It's like Groundhog's Day with you, Rachel. How many times do you have to make the same mistake to realize it's not going to work out?
Rachel Berry: Thank you for being honest with me, Quinn, and... And I'm happy for you and Finn, but don't go and try to rewrite history, okay? It was real between us. He chose me over you.
Quinn Fabray: And how long did that last for?
Rachel Berry: Why are you being so mean?
Quinn Fabray: Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heartbroken, and then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent, and Finn will take over Kurt's dad's tire shop. You don't belong here, Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way.
Rachel Berry: No. I'm not giving up on Finn. It's not over between us.
Quinn Fabray: Yes, it is! You're so frustrating, and that is why you can't write a good song... Because you live in this little schoolgirl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never going to get it right. So we're done with that, and why don't we just return to our work, okay?
Rachel Berry: No, I think I'm gonna write this song on my own.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, you getting ready to load up the bus and head off to Regionals? Awesome.
Will Schuester: You seem awfully chipper.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I am, William, I am positively drunk with confidence. In fact, I am so sure of my Glee Club's impending win, I'm gonna drop a little turdlet on you. I lied to you last week, William. I forged that letter from My Chemical Romance. Also, I didn't sleep with their drummer. The drummer I slept with was that guy from Jimmy Eat World.
Will Schuester: Actually, Sue, I'm glad you lied. Gave my kids the opportunity to try - their hand at songwriting.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, so you're trying to lose.
Will Schuester: You have an awful lot of confidence for a rookie, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: William, while your kids are singing songs about blackheads and eczema, I will be unleashing a set list custom-made for that panel of judges.



Announcer: And now, our judges for the 2011 Midwest Regional Show Choir Competition. Local broadcasting legend and man about town Rod Remington! Recent Tea Party candidate and home-schooler Tammy Jean Albertson! And former exotic dancer and current Carmelite nun, author of the upcoming Lima Press memoir Habit to Habit, Sister Mary Constance! And now, from Westvale High School, let's have a warm welcome for Aural Intensity!
Aural Intensity: # Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Jesus is my friend #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# I have a friend in Jesus #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Jesus is my friend #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# He taught me how to live my life as it should be #
# He taught me how to turn my cheek when people laugh at me #
# I’ve had friends before and I can tell you that #
# He’s one who will never leave you flat! #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Ah, ah, ah Jesus #
# Jesus is my friend of mine #
# Friend of mine, friend of mine, friend of mine! Wow! #



Kurt Hummel: Has anyone ever literally died on stage?
Blaine Anderson: Are you nervous?
Kurt Hummel: Please don't judge me. This is the first time I've had a solo in front of a competition audience. I have this nightmare that I'm going to forget the lyrics or I'm going to sing and nothing is going to come out. Okay, you can judge me.
Blaine Anderson: I think it's adorable. I think you're adorable, and the only people that are going to be dying tonight are the people in that audience, because you and I are going to kill this thing. Come on, let's go.
Announcer: And now, from Westerville, Ohio, the Dalton Academy Warblers!
The Warblers: # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo... #
# Doo doo doo doo doo doo... #
Kurt Hummel: # The power lines went out #
# And I am all alone #
# But I don't really care, at all #
# Not answering my phone #
Blaine Anderson: # All the games you played #
# The promises you made #
# Couldn't finish what you started #
# Only darkness still remains #
Kurt Hummel: # Lost sight #
# Couldn't see #
Kurt & Blaine: # When it was you and me #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# I'm beginning to see the light #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# But I think I'll be alright #
# One day, #
# You will wake up #
# With nothing but you’re sorries #
Blaine Anderson: # And someday, #
# You will get back #
Kurt & Blaine: # Everything you gave me #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# I'm beginning to see the light #
Kurt Hummel: # Blow the candles out #
Blaine Anderson: # The candles out #
Kurt Hummel: # Looks like a solo tonight #
Blaine Anderson: # Solo tonight #
Kurt & Blaine: # But I think I'll be alright #
Blaine Anderson: # Right right, turn off the lights #
# We gonna lose our minds tonight #
# What's the dealio? #
# I love when it's all too much #
# 5 AM turn the radio up #
# Where's the rock and roll? #
# Party crasher, #
# Panty snatcha' #
# Call me up if you are gangsta' #
# Don't be fancy #
# Just get dancy #
# Why so serious? #
# So raise your glass if you are wrong #
# In all the right ways #
# All my underdogs, we will never be, never be #
# Anything but loud #
# And nitty gritty dirty little freaks #
# Won't you come on, and come on, and #
# Raise your glass! #
# Just come on and come and #
# Raise Your Glass! #
# So if you're too school for cool #
# And you're treated like a fool #
The Warblers: # Treated like a fool #
Blaine Anderson: # You could choose to let it go #
# We can always, we can always #
# Party on our own... #
# So raise your #
# So raise your glass if you are wrong #
# In all the right ways #
# All my underdogs, we will never be, never be #
# Anything but loud #
# And nitty gritty dirty little freaks #
# Won't you come on! and come on! and #
# Raise your glass! #
# Just come on and come and #
# Raise your glass! #
# ...for me #



Finn Hudson: Hey. Break a leg.
Rachel Berry: Last time we were here, you told me you loved me.
Finn Hudson: I really like your song.
Rachel Berry: Listen carefully, because I mean every word of it.
Announcer: And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!
Rachel Berry: # What have I done #
# I wish I could run #
# Away from this ship going under #
# Just trying to help #
# Hurt everyone else #
# Now I feel the weight of the world #
# Is on my shoulders #
# What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
# And all that you touch tumbles down #
# 'Cause my best intentions #
# Keep making a mess of things #
# I just wanna fix it somehow #
# But how many times will it take #
# Oh, how many times will it take for me #
# To get it right #
# To get it right #
# Can I start again #
# With my faith shaken #
Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # 'Cause I can't go back and undo this #
Rachel Berry: # I just have to stay #
# And face my mistakes #
Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # But if I get stronger and wiser #
# I'll get through this #
# What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
# And all that you touch tumbles down #
# But how many times will it take? #
# Oh, how many times will it take for me? #
Rachel Berry: # To get it right #
# So I throw up my fist #
# Throw a punch in the air #
# And accept the truth #
# That sometimes life isn't fair #
Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # Yeah, I'll send out a wish #
# Yeah, I'll send up a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # And finally someone will see #
# How much I care #
Girls of ND: # What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
Rachel Berry: # All that you touch tumbles down #
# Oh, my best intentions #
# Keep making a mess of things #
# I just wanna fix it somehow #
# But how many times will it take? #
# Oh, how many times will it take? #
# To get it right #
# To get it right #
Ladies and gentlemen, we're the New Directions!
# Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero #
Santana Lopez: # Huh #
Rachel Berry: # But hey #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # Everyone you wanna be, #
# Probably started off like me. #
Rachel Berry: # You may say that I'm a freak show, #
Santana Lopez: # I don't care. #
Rachel Berry: # But, hey #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # Give it just a little time, #
# I bet you're gonna change your mind. #
Rachel Berry: # All of the dirt you've been throwing my way, #
# It ain't so hard to take. #
Finn & Rachel: That's right. #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # 'Cause I know one day you'll be screaming my name #
Rachel Berry: # And I'll just look away. #
Finn & Rachel: That's right. #
Rachel Berry: # Just go ahead and hate on me run your mouth. #
Finn & Rachel: So everyone can hear. #
Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #
Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care.) #
Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out, #
# You wanna be, #
# You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me. #
Finn Hudson: # Push me up against the locker #
# And, hey, all I do is shake it off. #
# I'll get you back when I'm your boss #
# I'm not thinking 'bout you haters #
# 'Cause, hey, I could be a superstar. #
# I'll see you when you wash my car. #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # All of the dirt you've been throwing my way, #
# It ain't so hard to take. #
Finn & Rachel: # That's right. #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # 'Cause I know one day you'll be screaming my name. #
Rachel Berry: # And I'll just look away. #
Finn & Rachel: # That's right. #
Rachel Berry: # Just go ahead, and hate on me; and run your mouth #
Finn & Rachel: # So everyone can hear. #
Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #
Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care #
Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out #
# You wanna be, #
# You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# Just go ahead, and hate on me #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah! #
Rachel Berry: # And run your mouth #
Finn & Rachel: # So everyone can hear. #
Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #
Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care. #
Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out, (Mercedes: oh) #
# You wanna be, #
Mercedes Jones: # Be #
Rachel Berry: # You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me, #



Tammy Jean Albertson: Before we start, I would like to say I am not a witch. But, um, I think it's fair to ask. Do we have written proof that these kids were born in the United States of America?
Sr. Mary Constance: For a nun, I'm pretty liberal. But I'm barely a nun. In fact, I just joined because I needed a place to live.
Tammy Jean Albertson: Bless you!
Sr. Mary Constance: The convent is the one place I knew I could stay off the pole. But my question is this. That Dalton Academy... Is it a gay school, or is it just a school that appears gay?
Rod Remington: Could I add a dash of Rod to this lady soup? My hairdresser is a gay, and for fifteen years, he's been with his partner, also a hairdresser. I see no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to marry and raise a family of beautiful wigs.
Sr. Mary Constance: I liked the duet the two boys from Dalton sang.
Tammy Jean Albertson: Oh, boys shouldn't do a duet. The last thing we need to do is send a message to children that "gay is okay." It is not a legitimate lifestyle, and last time I checked, it's not in the Constitution.
Rod Remington: What about that song about Jesus?
Tammy Jean Albertson: Well, that should win.
Sr. Mary Constance: Uh, uh, uh. No, no, no, no. Now, that is just cheap pandering. I didn't even like to be pandered to when I was a stripper!
Rod Remington: Those New Directions had it going on. Those songs were fresh.
Tammy Jean Albertson: Those songs were terrible. I am sorry, but I'm a politician, and when I lost my last election... and there will be a recount... I didn't go around singing about being a loser. I Twittered that Obama is a terrorist.
Sr. Mary Constance: Oh, no, you didn't!
Tammy Jean Albertson: I had to. It's a fact.
Sr. Mary Constance: Oh, oh, gee.
Rod Remington: Okay, ladies, I've heard enough. Let's... vote.



Announcer: And now, to announce our winner, Lieutenant Governor Stevens' wife, Carla Turlington-Stevens!
Carla Turlington-Stevens: My husband is verbally abusive, and I have been drinking since noon. I'm bored. Let's just see who won, huh? The New Directions! You're going to Nationals in New York!



Kurt Hummel: Farewell, sweet prince.
Blaine Anderson: I'm so sorry, Kurt. I know this is really upsetting for you. It reminds you of your mom's funeral, doesn't it?
Kurt Hummel: The casket was bigger, but yes. It's not just that, though. Honestly, I'm upset that we lost at Regionals.
Blaine Anderson: Well, the competition season's over, but we'll still get to perform. We do nursing home shows all the time. And do you know how many Gaps there are in Ohio? Tons.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I just really... really wanted to win.
Blaine Anderson: You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?



Will Schuester: I'll show you the video when you get home. Have fun in the sweat lodge. Namaste to you, too. Okay. Bye. Ms. Holliday sends her best, and can't wait to congratulate you all in person when she gets back from her meditation retreat. Now, we all know that winning Regionals was a team effort, and Nationals isn't going to be any different. But like in sports, every winning team has a player that rises above to help carry their teammates to victory... The MVP. And I would like to start a tradition of honoring that player after every one of our competitions. So, per a unanimous vote by all of you, our Regionals MVP is... Miss Rachel Berry! Come on up.
Artie Abrams: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Congratulations.
Rachel Berry: Thank you. If I could just say a few words?
Will Schuester: Sure.
Santana Lopez: And here she goes, making me regret voting for her.
Rachel Berry: Well, first of all, I just want to say how amazing the song you guys wrote was. I... I was so inspired. You know, it's... It's funny. I've won a lot of trophies before for singing competitions and dancing competitions, but I've always felt like the girl who never gets the brass ring. And maybe I never will. But today and at Regionals, the way you guys believed in me and... took a chance with me... All I've ever wanted was to feel special and to feel chosen, and I just, um... I wanted to thank you guys so much for giving me that. So... That's all.
Artie Abrams: MVP!


Blaine Anderson: # Oh yeah #
The Warblers: # Ooooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh yeah #
The Warblers: # Oooh, aaa) #
Blaine Anderson: # So scared of breaking it #
# That you won't let it bend #
# Now I wrote two hundred letters #
# I will never send #
# Sometimes these cuts are so much #
# Deeper then they seem #
# You'd rather cover up #
# I'd rather let them be #
# So let me be #
# And I'll set you free #
# I am in misery #
# There ain't nobody #
# Who can comfort me, oh yeah #
# Why won't you answer me? #
# The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah #
# Girl you really got me bad #
# You really got me bad #
# Now I'm gonna get you back #
# I'm gonna get you back #
# You say your faith is shaken #
# You may be mistaken #
# You keep me wide awake and #
# Waiting for the sun #
# I'm desperate and confused #
# So far away from you #
# I'm getting there #
# I don't care where I have to go #
# Why do you do what you do to me, yeah #
# Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah #
# Why do you do what you do to me yeah #
# Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah #
# I am in misery #
# There ain't nobody #
# Who can comfort me, oh yeah #
# Girl you really got me bad #
# You really got me bad #
# Now I'm gonna get you back #
# I'm gonna get you back #
Hey, Regionals? You've just met our opening number.
The Warblers: That was so good.
Blaine Anderson: How did you manage to find a Burberry-esque canary cage cover?
Kurt Hummel: Canaries don't like cold weather. Especially Pavarotti.
Blaine Anderson: So, what did you think of the song?
Kurt Hummel: Can I be really honest with you? Because it comes from a place of caring. Been there, done that. Look, you're amazing, Blaine. Your solos are breathtaking. They're also numerous.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, the council decides who gets the solos. Do I detect a little jealousy?
Kurt Hummel: No, you detect a lot of jealousy. Look, Blaine, sometimes I don't feel like we're the Warblers. I feel like we're Blaine and the Pips.



Rachel Berry: Okay, so, I really took all of your notes from "My Headband" to heart. And I... I really tapped into my pain for this second song. So come and sit down. These are for you. Just in case. It's pretty emotional. Don't be afraid, if you need to... Hit it.
# You've got just one egg. #
# You're not going to make an omelette. #
# Flying just one way, #
# You're not going to make a jet set, #
# Sister, brother, wherefore are thou? #
# No need for bunk beds in my bedroom, now #
# Oh, damn you, dads. #
# Why did you settle for only me? #
# I'm an only child, #
# More than enough for them, but not enough for me. #
# Only child, only child, only child... #
# The only Berry on my family tree. #
It's called "Only Child."
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I got that. Uh... It's better than "My Headband," that's for sure. But it... It still feels like you're just playing scared. You're only dealing with the easy pain. You got to get to the hard stuff. That's what's relatable to everybody.
Rachel Berry: I... I'm perfectly capable of accessing my pain. I cry every time I sing a solo.
Finn Hudson: Exactly. When you sing, I can feel it. I guess you just got to go inside yourself to wherever the singing comes from, and write from there.
Rachel Berry: Have you even ever tried to write a song?
Quinn Fabray: Sometimes I worry about Finn. I mean, how damaged does a guy have to be to be into someone as annoying as Rachel? Still, he is a good guy, and I do really like him. He's my first love, and first loves are forever. And another thing, without him I'm never going to get one of these. I know what you're thinking. "Prom queen? You're smart and super pretty and relatively sane for a girl. Does being prom queen really matter to you?" Well, it does. Prom queens live, on average, five years longer than regular people. It's probably because they smile a lot, and smiling has been proven to ward off diseases. But I can't do it without Finn. He's a shoo-in for prom king, and after winning the big game, he'll help me land crucial swing votes. Amazingly, the only person standing in my way is her and her damn talent. If I'm going to guarantee that he doesn't stray with her, I'm going to have to play it right. They say, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Well, Rachel Berry, you just got yourself a new best friend.



Kurt Hummel: Pavarotti?



Blaine Anderson: Warblers! Warblers! I am merely suggesting that instead of wearing blue ties with red piping, we wear jackets with red ties and blue piping for the competition.
Trent Nixon: This is a kangaroo court!
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, what's wrong?
Kurt Hummel: It's Pavarotti. Pavarotti is dead. I suspect a stroke.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Kurt Hummel: I know it's really stupid to be upset about a bird, but... He... He inspired me with his optimism, and his love of song. He was my friend. Now, I know today we need to practice doo-wopping behind Blaine while he sings every solo in the medley of P!nk songs, but I'd like to sing a song for Pavarotti today.
# Blackbird singing in the dead of night #
# Take these broken wings, and learn to fly. #
# All your life, #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
# Blackbird singing in the dead of night, #
# Take these sunken eyes, and learn to see. #
# All your life, #
# You were only waiting for this moment to be free. #
# Blackbird, fly. #
# Blackbird, fly #
# Into the light of the dark black night. #
# Blackbird, fly. #
# Blackbird, fly #
# Into the light of the dark black night. #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
# You were only waiting for this moment to arise. #
Thank you.



Will Schuester: Guys, I've got some bad news. You know how we decided on "Sing" by My Chemical Romance for Regionals? Well, I hold in my hand a cease and desist letter from the band. We can't do it.
Noah Puckerman: It was the perfect anthem.
Mercedes Jones: How much do you want to bet Coach Sylvester has something to do with this?
Will Schuester: One step ahead of you.



Will Schuester: Do you know anything about this, Sue?
Sue Sylvester: I do. Now, I met the drummer from My Chemical Romance at a drum circle at Daytona Beach, Spring Break, 1996. We had a brief affair. And when I heard of your song choice for Regionals, well, I was compelled to notify the band about your long-running legal battle with PETA.
Will Schuester: That is not true.
Sue Sylvester: You took away my Cheerios! Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.



Mercedes Jones: So what are we going to do now?
Rachel Berry: I think we should write original songs for Regionals.
Santana Lopez: All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?
Quinn Fabray: No. I think Rachel is right. This team works best when we push ourselves and do something a little different.
Mercedes Jones: That's true, but if all the other teams are doing amazing songs we're not going to be so good.
Quinn Fabray: You're right. We're not going to be as good. We're going to be better. We won't be using other people's words or music. It'll be our own. Our own heart, soul, not just our voices. We have a really talented songwriter in our midst. Rachel. I was thinking maybe you and I could write a song together.
Finn Hudson: I'm with Quinn and Rachel. I mean, if these two can agree on something, it's probably an idea worth considering.
Santana Lopez: Wait, wait, so suddenly, you two are writing the music for Regionals? No way. I think that everyone should get a chance to write a song.
Sam Evans: Santana's right. We can do this.
Mercedes Jones: What do you think, Mr. Schue?
Will Schuester: I think we're doing original songs for Regionals.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. Can I ask you a question? We used to be really close, and I really miss being your friend.
Santana Lopez: Still waiting for the question.
Brittany S. Pierce: Did I do something wrong?
Santana Lopez: No. Look, I don't know. Did you? All I know is you blew me off to be with Stumbles McCripplepants. That's fine. It's your loss. 'Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're going to sing at Regionals.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana Lopez: I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Look, can you stop staring at me? I can't remember my locker combo.
Sue Sylvester: Well, well. If it isn't Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Fake-Boobs.
Brittany S. Pierce: You know, you can't talk to us like that. You're not our cheer coach anymore.
Sue Sylvester: I'm not anybody's cheer-leading coach anymore. You betrayed me, and in case you haven't heard, I like to play dirty.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't even remember putting that in there.



Thad Harwood: You know, I think Blaine's version of the song is actually better than the original.
David Thompson: But it's not in his natural key, so...
Thad Harwood: How dare you.
Blaine Anderson: Enough. I'm tired of this.
Thad Harwood: I agree. I think we should just let you pick the song that you want to sing.
Blaine Anderson: No, I'm tired of the Warblers being all about me. David, please make sure everything I'm about to say goes down in the official minutes. We are going to lose at Regionals.
The Warblers: What?!
Blaine Anderson: I am incredibly grateful for the belief you've all given me, as a junior member, to lead you all in these wonderful songs this year. But, from what Kurt has told me about New Directions, I just know I can't beat them on my own. Which is why I propose that we rearrange our 11:00 number and turn it into a duet. To showcase other talent in this group.
David Thompson: Why don't we just play it on kazoos?
Blaine Anderson: Point of order! Point of order! Now, we all lost one of our own this week. Pavarotti's voice was silenced by death, and I don't want to silence anyone else's voices in this group. I think Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny, tiny, little grave.
Kurt Hummel: The placement of which has yet to be determined.
Wesley Montgomery: All right, a vote. Who's in favor of Warbler Blaine's proposal for a dual lead at Regionals?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, can I put my name on the audition list?
Blaine Anderson: No. No auditions. I want to sing the duet with Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: That's ridiculous. I mean, there are so many great voices. I mean, everyone deserves a shot at that honor.
Blaine Anderson: All in favor of Kurt being my duet partner at Regionals?
Wesley Montgomery: Decided.
Thad Harwood: Congratulations, Kurt.
The Warblers: Congratulations.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, let's hear it for our first songwriting seminar. While Quinn and Rachel are hard at work, we're gonna try to write an anthem of our own. Now, these are rhyming dictionaries for all of you.
Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue? Tina and I have been already working on a song that I wrote.
Will Schuester: Really? That's amazing. Well, can we hear it?
Santana Lopez: This is a song that I wrote for Sam. It's called, "Trouty Mouth."
Sam Evans: Wait, what's it called?
Mike Chang: "Trouty Mouth."
Santana Lopez: # Guppy Face, #
# Trouty Mouth, #
# Is that how people's lips look where you come from in the South? #
# Grouper Mouth, #
# Froggy Lips, #
# I love suckin' on those salamander lips. #
# Wanna put a fish hook in those lips, so cherry red #
# If you tried hard enough, you could suck a baby's head! #
# Whoo! #
Sam Evans: Okay. Can we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes.
Santana Lopez: Sit down. I'm not finished.
Sam Evans: Yes, you are. Mr. Schue, we're not doing a song at Regionals - called "Trouty Mouth."
Will Schuester: You know what? I have to agree with Sam on this one. But such a good first effort. I just don't think it's got the, um, epic feel we need for Regionals.
Noah Puckerman: Mr. Schue? I wrote a song, too. I wrote it for Lauren. I know that when I sang "Fat-Bottomed Girls," it might have hurt her feelings a little bit, but I think this makes up for it. It's got a bit of a rockabilly feel, so it could give us an edge this weekend.
Will Schuester: All right. Show us what you got.
Noah Puckerman: It's called "Big Ass... Heart."
# My girl went to the doctor cause her heart had palpitations #
# He said cut the carbs, or else she'd end up pushing up carnations #
# She stepped up on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh Lordy" #
# If you don't drop a few girl, you won't make it past age forty #
# My girl said, "Hey lookie, on that fancy x-ray chart" #
# Said the doctor, "Holy hell that's one G.D. big ass heart" #
# I'm telling you my friend, my girl's got a big ass heart #
# When she shops for groceries that heart gets its own damn cart #
# That big ass heart can pump two tons of love through her chest #
# And then sit down and win a lovin' pie-eating contest #
# I love that big ass heart so much I think it isn't fair #
# Like how your heart won't pay me back for breaking all my chairs #
# So sick with love I think I'm coming down with rickets #
# When that big ass heart flies coach it has to pay for two plane tickets #
# Oh, that big ass heart #
# Oh, that big ass heart #
Will Schuester: All right, guys, well, let's, uh, let's make Puck's song a contender, but I don't totally think we're there yet. So, everyone, look at your rhyming dictionaries, and let's work on banging out some songs that rock.



Quinn Fabray: What do you want to wear to prom?
Finn Hudson: Prom? What?
Quinn Fabray: Look, I know you're excited about Regionals. So am I. Wasn't I the one that supported Rachel's crazy original song idea?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. That was cool, by the way.
Quinn Fabray: But whether we win that or even Nationals, it's not going to put you and I back where we belong.
Finn Hudson: Which is where?
Quinn Fabray: On top.
Finn Hudson: On top of what?
Quinn Fabray: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It's the ultimate status symbol. So after Regionals, we'll go public with our relationship, and start the campaign.
Finn Hudson: I don't think that's a good idea.
Quinn Fabray: Why? Because of Rachel?
Finn Hudson: She's really fragile right now. I just think we should wait until after Nationals.
Quinn Fabray: Okay, first, it was after Regionals. Now it's after Nationals? Do you want to be in this relationship or not?
Finn Hudson: Whoa. Scary Quinn. Okay. Uh... After Regionals.
Quinn Fabray: After Regionals.



Blaine Anderson: What's that?
Kurt Hummel: I'm decorating Pavarotti's casket.
Blaine Anderson: Well, finish up. I have the perfect song for our number, and we should practice.
Kurt Hummel: Do tell.
Blaine Anderson: "Candles" by Hey Monday.
Kurt Hummel: I'm impressed. You're usually so Top 40.
Blaine Anderson: Well, I just wanted something a little more emotional.
Kurt Hummel: Why did you pick me to sing that song with?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, there is a moment... When you say to yourself, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever." Watching you do "Blackbird" this week... That was a moment for me. About you. You move me, Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you. Um, we should... We should practice.
Kurt Hummel: I thought we were.



Mercedes Jones: # Mama said, "Get your ass out of bed." #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# Said, "Wash yo grandma's nasty head." #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# They tried to take away my tots #
# I said, "Hell to the no." #
# Yeah, 'cause I'm the one that calls the shots #
# And I say hell to the no #
# Try to make me change my weave, #
# Well I got something up my sleeve #
# It's a whole lotta #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# I said #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Tell me I should eat my Wheaties, you know what #
# Hell to the no #
Tina, Brittany, Lauren & Santana: # Hell to the no #
Mercedes Jones: # Tell me I'll come down with diabetes #
# Hell to the no #
Tina, Brittany, Lauren & Santana: # Hell to the no #
# Try to make me change my eats #
# But baby that just isn't me #
# I'm a whole lot of #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Take me you can leave me but I won't ever change #
# If you don't like the rules don't play my game #
# Time for me to get R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but if I don't, it's all in me #
# Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh #
# Hell to the no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no #
# Aw, hell to the no... #
Will Schuester: Mercedes. Really, really good.
Mercedes Jones: Thank you.
Will Schuester: But, um...
Mercedes Jones: "But," my butt, Mr. Schue. That song was amazing.
Will Schuester: No, I agree. I'm just not sure that it's Regionals material.
Santana Lopez: Mr. Schue, I wrote another verse of "Trouty Mouth."
Will Schuester: No, no, no. Guys, guys. Just... Just think about it. What's your favorite song of all time?
Brittany S. Pierce: "My Headband."
Santana Lopez: Alanis Morissette's - "You Oughta Know."
Noah Puckerman: "What's Going On," Marvin Gaye.
Lauren Zizes: Puckerman, you're on a roll.
Will Schuester: Okay, and what are all those songs about?
Brittany S. Pierce: Headbands.
Will Schuester: All these songs come from a place of pain. The greatest songs are about hurt, and that's the side of yourselves I want you to get in touch with.
Artie Abrams: That should be easy. Coach Sylvester tortures us for no reason and tries to get the entire school to hate us.
Santana Lopez: Yesterday, she filled Britt's and my locker with dirt.
Will Schuester: Okay. Okay, slow down. Slow down.
Mercedes Jones: She literally throws sticks at me.



Mercedes Jones: What are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: Throwing sticks at your head. I'm going to crush you at Regionals.



Will Schuester: Okay, what else? What else?
Tina Cohen-Chang: She called the Ohio Secretary of State, saying she was me and that I want to legally change my name to "Tina Cohen-Loser."
Will Schuester: She...
Tina Cohen-Chang: Mean. Mean.
Will Schuester: Okay, and how does that make you feel?
Finn Hudson: Well, at first it hurts, but... Then it mostly makes you want to win.
Will Schuester: Guys... I think you may have just found your song. Now let's get to writing.



Quinn Fabray: You're late.
Rachel Berry: We're friends, right?
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, I guess so.
Rachel Berry: I mean, like everything happened last year. You gave your baby to my mom. We kind of bonded over it, right?
Quinn Fabray: What's your point?
Rachel Berry: My point is... Is that I know we haven't spent a lot of time together this year, but I thought that we were close enough to be honest with each other.
Quinn Fabray: Go ahead, ask me.
Rachel Berry: Fine. Are you and Finn together?
Quinn Fabray: Yes. It's been a couple of weeks. It's like Groundhog's Day with you, Rachel. How many times do you have to make the same mistake to realize it's not going to work out?
Rachel Berry: Thank you for being honest with me, Quinn, and... And I'm happy for you and Finn, but don't go and try to rewrite history, okay? It was real between us. He chose me over you.
Quinn Fabray: And how long did that last for?
Rachel Berry: Why are you being so mean?
Quinn Fabray: Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heartbroken, and then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent, and Finn will take over Kurt's dad's tire shop. You don't belong here, Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way.
Rachel Berry: No. I'm not giving up on Finn. It's not over between us.
Quinn Fabray: Yes, it is! You're so frustrating, and that is why you can't write a good song... Because you live in this little schoolgirl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never going to get it right. So we're done with that, and why don't we just return to our work, okay?
Rachel Berry: No, I think I'm gonna write this song on my own.



Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, you getting ready to load up the bus and head off to Regionals? Awesome.
Will Schuester: You seem awfully chipper.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I am, William, I am positively drunk with confidence. In fact, I am so sure of my Glee Club's impending win, I'm gonna drop a little turdlet on you. I lied to you last week, William. I forged that letter from My Chemical Romance. Also, I didn't sleep with their drummer. The drummer I slept with was that guy from Jimmy Eat World.
Will Schuester: Actually, Sue, I'm glad you lied. Gave my kids the opportunity to try - their hand at songwriting.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, so you're trying to lose.
Will Schuester: You have an awful lot of confidence for a rookie, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: William, while your kids are singing songs about blackheads and eczema, I will be unleashing a set list custom-made for that panel of judges.



Announcer: And now, our judges for the 2011 Midwest Regional Show Choir Competition. Local broadcasting legend and man about town Rod Remington! Recent Tea Party candidate and home-schooler Tammy Jean Albertson! And former exotic dancer and current Carmelite nun, author of the upcoming Lima Press memoir Habit to Habit, Sister Mary Constance! And now, from Westvale High School, let's have a warm welcome for Aural Intensity!
Aural Intensity: # Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Jesus is my friend #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# I have a friend in Jesus #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Jesus is my friend #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# He taught me how to live my life as it should be #
# He taught me how to turn my cheek when people laugh at me #
# I’ve had friends before and I can tell you that #
# He’s one who will never leave you flat! #
# Jesus is a friend of mine #
# Ah, ah, ah Jesus #
# Jesus is my friend of mine #
# Friend of mine, friend of mine, friend of mine! Wow! #



Kurt Hummel: Has anyone ever literally died on stage?
Blaine Anderson: Are you nervous?
Kurt Hummel: Please don't judge me. This is the first time I've had a solo in front of a competition audience. I have this nightmare that I'm going to forget the lyrics or I'm going to sing and nothing is going to come out. Okay, you can judge me.
Blaine Anderson: I think it's adorable. I think you're adorable, and the only people that are going to be dying tonight are the people in that audience, because you and I are going to kill this thing. Come on, let's go.
Announcer: And now, from Westerville, Ohio, the Dalton Academy Warblers!
The Warblers: # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo... #
# Doo doo doo doo doo doo... #
Kurt Hummel: # The power lines went out #
# And I am all alone #
# But I don't really care, at all #
# Not answering my phone #
Blaine Anderson: # All the games you played #
# The promises you made #
# Couldn't finish what you started #
# Only darkness still remains #
Kurt Hummel: # Lost sight #
# Couldn't see #
Kurt & Blaine: # When it was you and me #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# I'm beginning to see the light #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# But I think I'll be alright #
# One day, #
# You will wake up #
# With nothing but you’re sorries #
Blaine Anderson: # And someday, #
# You will get back #
Kurt & Blaine: # Everything you gave me #
# Blow the candles out #
# Looks like a solo tonight #
# I'm beginning to see the light #
Kurt Hummel: # Blow the candles out #
Blaine Anderson: # The candles out #
Kurt Hummel: # Looks like a solo tonight #
Blaine Anderson: # Solo tonight #
Kurt & Blaine: # But I think I'll be alright #
Blaine Anderson: # Right right, turn off the lights #
# We gonna lose our minds tonight #
# What's the dealio? #
# I love when it's all too much #
# 5 AM turn the radio up #
# Where's the rock and roll? #
# Party crasher, #
# Panty snatcha' #
# Call me up if you are gangsta' #
# Don't be fancy #
# Just get dancy #
# Why so serious? #
# So raise your glass if you are wrong #
# In all the right ways #
# All my underdogs, we will never be, never be #
# Anything but loud #
# And nitty gritty dirty little freaks #
# Won't you come on, and come on, and #
# Raise your glass! #
# Just come on and come and #
# Raise Your Glass! #
# So if you're too school for cool #
# And you're treated like a fool #
The Warblers: # Treated like a fool #
Blaine Anderson: # You could choose to let it go #
# We can always, we can always #
# Party on our own... #
# So raise your #
# So raise your glass if you are wrong #
# In all the right ways #
# All my underdogs, we will never be, never be #
# Anything but loud #
# And nitty gritty dirty little freaks #
# Won't you come on! and come on! and #
# Raise your glass! #
# Just come on and come and #
# Raise your glass! #
# ...for me #



Finn Hudson: Hey. Break a leg.
Rachel Berry: Last time we were here, you told me you loved me.
Finn Hudson: I really like your song.
Rachel Berry: Listen carefully, because I mean every word of it.
Announcer: And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!
Rachel Berry: # What have I done #
# I wish I could run #
# Away from this ship going under #
# Just trying to help #
# Hurt everyone else #
# Now I feel the weight of the world #
# Is on my shoulders #
# What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
# And all that you touch tumbles down #
# 'Cause my best intentions #
# Keep making a mess of things #
# I just wanna fix it somehow #
# But how many times will it take #
# Oh, how many times will it take for me #
# To get it right #
# To get it right #
# Can I start again #
# With my faith shaken #
Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # 'Cause I can't go back and undo this #
Rachel Berry: # I just have to stay #
# And face my mistakes #
Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # But if I get stronger and wiser #
# I'll get through this #
# What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
# And all that you touch tumbles down #
# But how many times will it take? #
# Oh, how many times will it take for me? #
Rachel Berry: # To get it right #
# So I throw up my fist #
# Throw a punch in the air #
# And accept the truth #
# That sometimes life isn't fair #
Rachel, Tina & Brittany: # Yeah, I'll send out a wish #
# Yeah, I'll send up a prayer #
Rachel Berry: # And finally someone will see #
# How much I care #
Girls of ND: # What can you do when your good isn't good enough #
Rachel Berry: # All that you touch tumbles down #
# Oh, my best intentions #
# Keep making a mess of things #
# I just wanna fix it somehow #
# But how many times will it take? #
# Oh, how many times will it take? #
# To get it right #
# To get it right #
Ladies and gentlemen, we're the New Directions!
# Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero #
Santana Lopez: # Huh #
Rachel Berry: # But hey #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # Everyone you wanna be, #
# Probably started off like me. #
Rachel Berry: # You may say that I'm a freak show, #
Santana Lopez: # I don't care. #
Rachel Berry: # But, hey #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # Give it just a little time, #
# I bet you're gonna change your mind. #
Rachel Berry: # All of the dirt you've been throwing my way, #
# It ain't so hard to take. #
Finn & Rachel: That's right. #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # 'Cause I know one day you'll be screaming my name #
Rachel Berry: # And I'll just look away. #
Finn & Rachel: That's right. #
Rachel Berry: # Just go ahead and hate on me run your mouth. #
Finn & Rachel: So everyone can hear. #
Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #
Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care.) #
Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out, #
# You wanna be, #
# You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me. #
Finn Hudson: # Push me up against the locker #
# And, hey, all I do is shake it off. #
# I'll get you back when I'm your boss #
# I'm not thinking 'bout you haters #
# 'Cause, hey, I could be a superstar. #
# I'll see you when you wash my car. #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # All of the dirt you've been throwing my way, #
# It ain't so hard to take. #
Finn & Rachel: # That's right. #
Rachel, Brittany & Santana: # 'Cause I know one day you'll be screaming my name. #
Rachel Berry: # And I'll just look away. #
Finn & Rachel: # That's right. #
Rachel Berry: # Just go ahead, and hate on me; and run your mouth #
Finn & Rachel: # So everyone can hear. #
Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #
Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care #
Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out #
# You wanna be, #
# You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# Just go ahead, and hate on me #
Mercedes Jones: # Yeah! #
Rachel Berry: # And run your mouth #
Finn & Rachel: # So everyone can hear. #
Rachel Berry: # Hit me with the worst you've got, and knock me down. #
Finn & Rachel: # Baby, I don't care. #
Rachel Berry: # Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out, (Mercedes: oh) #
# You wanna be, #
Mercedes Jones: # Be #
Rachel Berry: # You wanna be #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me, #
# A loser like me, #



Tammy Jean Albertson: Before we start, I would like to say I am not a witch. But, um, I think it's fair to ask. Do we have written proof that these kids were born in the United States of America?
Sr. Mary Constance: For a nun, I'm pretty liberal. But I'm barely a nun. In fact, I just joined because I needed a place to live.
Tammy Jean Albertson: Bless you!
Sr. Mary Constance: The convent is the one place I knew I could stay off the pole. But my question is this. That Dalton Academy... Is it a gay school, or is it just a school that appears gay?
Rod Remington: Could I add a dash of Rod to this lady soup? My hairdresser is a gay, and for fifteen years, he's been with his partner, also a hairdresser. I see no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to marry and raise a family of beautiful wigs.
Sr. Mary Constance: I liked the duet the two boys from Dalton sang.
Tammy Jean Albertson: Oh, boys shouldn't do a duet. The last thing we need to do is send a message to children that "gay is okay." It is not a legitimate lifestyle, and last time I checked, it's not in the Constitution.
Rod Remington: What about that song about Jesus?
Tammy Jean Albertson: Well, that should win.
Sr. Mary Constance: Uh, uh, uh. No, no, no, no. Now, that is just cheap pandering. I didn't even like to be pandered to when I was a stripper!
Rod Remington: Those New Directions had it going on. Those songs were fresh.
Tammy Jean Albertson: Those songs were terrible. I am sorry, but I'm a politician, and when I lost my last election... and there will be a recount... I didn't go around singing about being a loser. I Twittered that Obama is a terrorist.
Sr. Mary Constance: Oh, no, you didn't!
Tammy Jean Albertson: I had to. It's a fact.
Sr. Mary Constance: Oh, oh, gee.
Rod Remington: Okay, ladies, I've heard enough. Let's... vote.



Announcer: And now, to announce our winner, Lieutenant Governor Stevens' wife, Carla Turlington-Stevens!
Carla Turlington-Stevens: My husband is verbally abusive, and I have been drinking since noon. I'm bored. Let's just see who won, huh? The New Directions! You're going to Nationals in New York!



Kurt Hummel: Farewell, sweet prince.
Blaine Anderson: I'm so sorry, Kurt. I know this is really upsetting for you. It reminds you of your mom's funeral, doesn't it?
Kurt Hummel: The casket was bigger, but yes. It's not just that, though. Honestly, I'm upset that we lost at Regionals.
Blaine Anderson: Well, the competition season's over, but we'll still get to perform. We do nursing home shows all the time. And do you know how many Gaps there are in Ohio? Tons.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I just really... really wanted to win.
Blaine Anderson: You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?



Will Schuester: I'll show you the video when you get home. Have fun in the sweat lodge. Namaste to you, too. Okay. Bye. Ms. Holliday sends her best, and can't wait to congratulate you all in person when she gets back from her meditation retreat. Now, we all know that winning Regionals was a team effort, and Nationals isn't going to be any different. But like in sports, every winning team has a player that rises above to help carry their teammates to victory... The MVP. And I would like to start a tradition of honoring that player after every one of our competitions. So, per a unanimous vote by all of you, our Regionals MVP is... Miss Rachel Berry! Come on up.
Artie Abrams: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Congratulations.
Rachel Berry: Thank you. If I could just say a few words?
Will Schuester: Sure.
Santana Lopez: And here she goes, making me regret voting for her.
Rachel Berry: Well, first of all, I just want to say how amazing the song you guys wrote was. I... I was so inspired. You know, it's... It's funny. I've won a lot of trophies before for singing competitions and dancing competitions, but I've always felt like the girl who never gets the brass ring. And maybe I never will. But today and at Regionals, the way you guys believed in me and... took a chance with me... All I've ever wanted was to feel special and to feel chosen, and I just, um... I wanted to thank you guys so much for giving me that. So... That's all.
Artie Abrams: MVP!
外部リンク
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217. A Night of Neglect

放送日:2011年4月19日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee. Will's dating the hot substitute, Holly Holliday. She's totally sassy and you can really see why he's into her.
Will Schuester: Sexy.
Ian Brennan: Quinn and Finn are back together in a big way, and so is the Glee club. They did original songs, and now they're headed to New York.
Sue Sylvester: Get out! Go!
Ian Brennan: But Sue thinks Will made her lose at nationals, and she's sort of gone over the edge, even for her, and that's saying something, and that's what you missed on Glee!



Will Schuester: All right. We need $5,000 to pay for our trip to nationals in New York.
Quinn Fabray: What happened to the money that we got from the Cheerios?
Will Schuester: I guess Sue was hiding it in offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands, and we're having some trouble accessing some of it. Any of it. This is salt water Taffy.
Brittany S. Pierce: Ah, I love salt water.
Will Schuester: When I was a student here, we paid for our entire trip to nationals, selling this. Classroom to classroom, door to door, we pushed this stuff like crack. And so will we. So, to make $5,000 at 25 cents apiece, we need to sell 20,000 pieces of Taffy.
Santana Lopez: Wait, do you honestly think that we can sell 20,000 anythings? I mean, we won regionals for the first time since dinosaurs roamed the planet, and I still got a freaking cherry icee facial.



Dave Karofsky: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.



Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Santana is right. Nobody cares about us.
Mike Chang: I can't listen to this.
Will Schuester: Mike, are you okay?
Mike Chang: No. You guys complain all the time about being mistreated, but you have no idea what it's like to work your butt off for something and have everyone, even your friends, ignore you.
Lauren Zizes: I am so trying to remember his name right now.
Mike Chang: Artie, Tina, Brittany and I are on the brainiacs.
Rachel Berry: Isn't that the academic decathlon team?
Finn Hudson: Wait. We have one of those?
Artie Abrams: Yes, we do. And the four of us went on the smartypants show, and beat Carmel high to go to the academic decathlon finals in Detroit next week.
Sam Evans: What? You guys were on TV? Well, why didn't you tell us about it?
Artie, Tina, Brittany & Mike: We did!
Will Schuester: Wait, I... I get the three of you being on the team...
Noah Puckerman: Is it because two of them are Asian, and Artie wears glasses?
Will Schuester: No... but Brittany?
Mike Chang: Liz Schneider was our fourth, but she got rubella.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Her parents are hippies who don't believe in vaccinations.
Artie Abrams: Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice.



Artie Abrams: We bribed her with dots. That Sunshine Corazon that Rachel sent to a crack house was on the other team.
Sunshine Corazon: I'll take "deadly cyclones," please.
Rod Remington: Right on, soul sister. In 1970...
Sunshine Corazon: The Bhola cyclone.
Rod Remington: Correct again.
Artie Abrams: Luckily, we had our own secret weapon.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'll take "cat diseases."
Rod Remington: I won't! The first known case of this disease was first diagnosed in Calcutta in 2001.
Brittany S. Pierce: Feline aids?
Rod Remington: Correct. Bonus question.
Brittany S. Pierce: Ringworm. Conjunctivitis. Kidney failure.
Rod Remington: Now, on to our final speed round question. Whoever buzzes in first and answers correctly will win the title and go on to our finals next week in Detroit. Our final category, "white rappers."



Artie Abrams: Sadly, we can't afford to go to the finals, so we're gonna have to forfeit.
Rachel Berry: Why don't you just have your parents pay for it?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Because we shouldn't have to. We're a school club. The school should pay for it. It's a matter of pride.
Will Schuester: You guys are absolutely right. How much do you need to make the trip?
Tina Cohen-Chang: With gas and motels, if we only eat funyuns, uh, $250.
Will Schuester: Which means... We just need to sell more Taffy.



Sue Sylvester: I'm sure you're wondering why I called you all together here in the dead of night, when I'm normally out bow-hunting for hobos. Dustin Goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline. Sandy Ryerson, defrocked educator and legendary friend of Dorothy. Terri Schuester, shrew.
Terri Del Monico: I'm also an assistant manager.
Sue Sylvester: We all have one very important thing in common. We all hate Will Schuester.
Sandy Ryerson: I have a question. Are you single?
Dustin Goolsby: Uh, I'm not gay.
Sandy Ryerson: I don't care. You're hunky, and I'm what they call "predatory gay."
Sue Sylvester: I'll admit I've been on a bit of a losing streak, having lost regionals, and if Will Schuester wins at nationals, my role as reigning champion at this school will be usurped. I'm asking you for your help. Our mission? To destroy the Glee club. We'll target their fragile sense of self-esteem so that they implode long before they can make it to nationals. And I call this union... The league of doom.
Sandy Ryerson: Ooh.
Terri Del Monico: Okay, first of all, that is a ridiculous name. And second of all, what kind of a meeting doesn't have bagels or something?
Sue Sylvester: Wow, it would be hard to be married to you.
Terri Del Monico: And for the record?
Sandy Ryerson: Or mixed nuts...
Terri Del Monico: I am trying to move on with my life. I don't hate Will Schuester.
Sue Sylvester: But you do hate the Glee club.
Terri Del Monico: That's true. I do. And I am looking for a new hobby.
Sue Sylvester: Henceforth, you will be known by the following super villain nicknames. Sandy Ryerson, you are the Pink Dagger.
Sandy Ryerson: Yes!
Sue Sylvester: You are the Honey Badger, nature's most ferocious animal. Look it up on YouTube. Dustin Goolsby? Sergeant Handsome. My codename will be general Zod.
Dustin Goolsby: Hold up. I coach the winningest Glee club in history. We're a lock to beat McKinley at nationals as it is. Why would I want to get involved in this?
Sue Sylvester: Well, because, sergeant, you strike me as a bit of a tool who enjoys playing mind games with your opponents.
Dustin Goolsby: That's true. I really do like doing that.
Sandy Ryerson: Legion of evil?
Sue Sylvester: League of doom.
Sandy Ryerson: You can count me in. Although I am enjoying my second career as a small-time medical marijuana dealer.
Sue Sylvester: Okey-dokey.
Sandy Ryerson: It doesn't change the fact that William took my job.
Sue Sylvester: Here are your beepers. You will await further instructions. And until then, we will be known only as...
Sandy Ryerson: The legion of evil.
Dustin Goolsby: I don't think I was listening when you said what our name was.
Terri Del Monico: Wait a second. Is it "league" or "legion"?
Sue Sylvester: Worst henchmen ever.



Will Schuester: I missed you so much last week. So what do you want to do tomorrow night?
Holly Holliday: Whoa, there, cowboy, we haven't even had our pizza yet.
Will Schuester: I'm just trying to get you when I can. You know, this is actually the first relationship I've had where the girl hasn't been all over me to spend more time with her.
Holly Holliday: Well, get used to it. I'm a sub. I'm a rolling stone. I warned you that being in a relationship with me meant being in a constant state of wanting. I am both awesome and unavailable at the same time.
Will Schuester: You're kind of awesome. What do you think about my Taffy sale plan to send the brainiacs to Detroit?
Holly Holliday: Um, I think it's as terrible as the word "brainiacs," but... Oh, okay. Here's your problem, all right? You're thinking too small, okay? That crazy ex-wife of yours messed with your brain and now you think you can't dream.
Will Schuester: Okay. Well, what's your idea?
Holly Holliday: A night of neglect.
Will Schuester: That actually sounds like life with my ex-wife.
Holly Holliday: Hilarious. No, seriously, here's what you need to do.
Will Schuester: Oh, hot.
Holly Holliday: Have a benefit. You know how they do on TV when there's, like, an earthquake, or they want to raise money for, like, a sad disease.
Will Schuester: That's actually a really good idea.
Holly Holliday: I know it is. See, your kids are feeling really neglected, right? So you fill the auditorium with people who are there to hear them sing, and poof!
Will Schuester: Oh, I'm loving this. And we can sell tickets. And it is a perfect place to practice for nationals.
Holly Holliday: And you know the best part?



Will Schuester: We're only going to do songs by neglected artists. Because it's "a night of neglect."
Rachel Berry: Can you define what you mean by "neglected artist"?
Will Schuester: Um, someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated.
Rachel Berry: Oh, so you mean like me.
Will Schuester: I mean, like all of us. All right, everyone, next Saturday night, in our auditorium, McKinley high's first annual "night of neglect" fund-raiser benefit is officially a go!



Sue Sylvester: Sergeant Handsome, walk with me.
Dustin Goolsby: I'm surprised you even saw me. I was blending in pretty well back there.
Sue Sylvester: Here's your mission. Word on the street is that Schuester and that substitute Holly Holliday are official. I need you to break them up. She's looser than a thrift store turtleneck and probably just as diseased.
Dustin Goolsby: Just my type.
Sue Sylvester: Psst!
Sandy Ryerson: Ready for my close-up, general Zog.
Sue Sylvester: Sandy, how do you manage to enter a building without setting off all the fire alarms?
Sandy Ryerson: You know, I have to say, with all this sneaking around, I have never felt more alive. What's my assignment?
Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, I just learned that the Glee club is performing a benefit concert. It's just the opening we need. There's a student club I want you to sponsor.



Sandy Ryerson: Heckling. The world's second oldest profession.
Azimio Adams: Hell am I doing in here?
Sue Sylvester: Good. Louder.
Sandy Ryerson: In olden times, hecklers provided a needed service to the medieval community.
Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, if I may. Welcome to the very first meeting of the heckling club.
Azimio Adams: You set me up. You told me I was supposed to come here to get homework help.
Sue Sylvester: Congratulations. You're all in.
Becky Jackson: I'm really confused.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm totally doing Lykke Li. She's bjork meets Florence and the machine, and a promising new talent. What about you, Mike?
Mike Chang: The Mike Chang dance dance revolution. I'm tired of my dancing being overshadowed by all of you guys' singing. It's going to be just me and my sweet moves on that stage.
Mercedes Jones: You're forgetting about the most neglected artist this Glee club's ever seen... Aretha Franklin.
Lauren Zizes: Neglected? She's, like, the queen of soul.
Mercedes Jones: See, I auditioned for this club singing "respect," and she's gotten none since. So I'm doing Aretha.
Rachel Berry: Awesome, Mercedes. Awesome, all of you guys. Those songs are great appetizers to my main course. Celine Dion's "my heart will go on." It's gonna be our finale.
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's like the biggest song of all time.
Rachel Berry: No. You don't understand. Celine isn't the neglected artist, I am.
Mercedes Jones: I was kind of hoping to do the closing number.
Finn Hudson: Hey, you guys remember Sunshine Corazon?



Rachel Berry: You are a terrible spy.
Artie Abrams: Seriously, with your size, you easily could have stayed in the air ducts for days.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's right.
Sunshine Corazon: I'm not a spy. I heard about your benefit concert on Facebook, and I wanted to perform. I know what it feels like to be in academic decathlon. No one pays attention to you. No one cares. It's not right. We study so hard.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, but you're in vocal adrenaline. How do we know we can trust you?
Sunshine Corazon: Because I have nothing against any of you. I have 600 Twitter followers. I can get all of them to come.
Finn Hudson: How many tickets have we sold so far?
Noah Puckerman: Four. No one's interested.
Finn Hudson: It's just sad.
Sunshine Corazon: Please, just let me show you what I can do. I would like to sing the perfect song about neglect, "all by myself." I'm such a better singer than everyone else, so I know how it feels. I'm all alone at the top. Also, I'm really short. So even when I'm in a group of people, it feels like I'm wandering alone through a forest.
Rachel Berry: There's no way that she's singing in our auditorium, okay? She's the enemy.
Noah Puckerman: I say we give her a chance. I mean, you owe her, Rachel. You sent her to a frickin' crack house.
Sunshine Corazon: # When I was young,
# I never needed anyone. #
# And makin' love was just for fun. #
# Those days are gone. #
# Livin' alone, #
# I think of all the friends I've known, #
# But when I dial the telephone, #
# Nobody's home. #
# All by myself, #
# Don't wanna be all by myself anymore. #
# All by myself, #
# Don't wanna live. #
# All by myself, #
# Anymore. #
# Don't wanna live by myself, #
# By myself, #
# Anymore. #
# By myself, #
# Anymore. #
# Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh. #
So, can I perform with you guys?



Rachel Berry: Absolutely not. She's just trying to get on our good sides so she can spy on us.
Quinn Fabray: You're one to talk. We told you the same thing about Jesse St. James last year.
Rachel Berry: And you were right!
Finn Hudson: This whole thing isn't about us. It's about helping the brainiacs.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, we need Sunshine's Twitter followers to come and pay for tickets, or there's no point in having a benefit at all.
Rachel Berry: Fine. Mercedes, you're okay with being bumped to the decidedly less glamorous middle spot. Right?
Mercedes Jones: Um... sure, I guess. Absolutely.



Lauren Zizes: Hey, Mercedes, can I have your shoes? I promise to give you a dirty pair of my flip-flops in return.
Mercedes Jones: Do you know how hard it is to find high-top, yellow patent leather sneakers?
Lauren Zizes: Really? I'm surprised you didn't just give them to me, considering how little you think of yourself. You're the most talented singer in Glee club, yet you're constantly taking the backseat to everyone.
Mercedes Jones: Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm-I'm tired of fighting with Rachel all the time.
Lauren Zizes: Okay, you're always singing about r-e-s-p-e-c-t, but respect isn't something you can ask for. You have to demand it. And you deserve it.
Mercedes Jones: You don't seem to have trouble in that department.
Lauren Zizes: Right. You know what? Neither does Aretha or J-lo or Mariah. You know why? Because they get proof every day. I heard Mariah makes appointments at 9:00 A.M., and shows up at 4:00 in the afternoon because she knows people will wait.
Mercedes Jones: But those kinds of demands are ridiculous.
Lauren Zizes: Exactly. But once you see that no matter how ridiculous your demands, people will meet them, you know you have it.
Mercedes Jones: Have what?
Lauren Zizes: Respect. And as your manager, I'd say you're thinking too small.
Mercedes Jones: Wait a minute. Since when are you my manager?
Lauren Zizes: Since you agreed to give me ten percent of whatever we can come up with to ask for.
Mercedes Jones: Sister, you got yourself a deal.



Will Schuester: Are you okay?
Emma Pillsbury: Yup. I will be as soon as this counter's really clean.
Will Schuester: I hear that OCD symptoms tend to get worse when the person is under great stress.
Emma Pillsbury: Carl's gone. He asked for an annulment, which I guess he's legally entitled to, considering we never actually consummated the marriage.
Will Schuester: You guys never...?
Emma Pillsbury: At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is 32 too young? I actually believed that I'd have a handle on my OCD by now. It's just been so long, and... I'm so tired.
Will Schuester: This your lunch?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. What are you doing?
Will Schuester: One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing. Until then, I'm here for you. No judgment. Just... a friend that you can count on. Cheers.



Finn Hudson: So, uh, the braniacs asked us to be benefit heads for the night of neglect.
Quinn Fabray: And we would like to select you head of talent relations.
Finn Hudson: We figured you're probably used to relating to talent because you're so talented.
Rachel Berry: Well, first, I'm honored that you came to me, but I think it's a little insensitive of you to be flaunting your dating in my face.
Quinn Fabray: Fantastic. 'Cause we are having problems with one of our performers.



Mercedes Jones: A) I need a bowl of green M&Ms. And by bowl, I mean large bowl. Well, really a small barrel.
Finn Hudson: O... kay.
Mercedes Jones: Two) I need humidifiers. Lots of humidifiers. A team of humidifiers whose only job is to make the air that Mercedes breathes more humid.
Quinn Fabray: We'll try our best.
Mercedes Jones: Shh. I'm not finished. Before every performance, I like to wash my hands. And after doing so, I like to dry them on a fresh puppy.
Finn Hudson: Excuse me?
Lauren Zizes: I believe you heard Ms. Jones. In fact, if I were you, I'd probably get a whole litter of Fluffy puppies, just in case she decides to take a post-show shower.



Rachel Berry: Stars make demands the way that babies make messes in their diapers. They can't help it. What a star wants is to just feel appreciated and respected. They just want to feel like they're being heard.
Finn Hudson: She seemed pretty serious about the puppy.
Rachel Berry: Well, obviously, hers is a talent that we have neglected. I can relate. So leave it to me. I'll take care of it.



Holly Holliday: Hello, class. I am the world's most famous and stylish divorcee Wallace Simpson. I was married a bunch of times, and then I fell in love with Edward viii and made him abdicate the throne. I had giant hands, so a lot of people thought I was a hermaphrodite, but that wasn't true. Others said I was a Nazi sympathizer. That was true. Boy, did I think that Hitler showed promise! Tomorrow we're gonna do Catherine the great and her pet stallion Fred, so come early.
Dustin Goolsby: We haven't been introduced. I'm Dustin Goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline.
Holly Holliday: Oh. So you're the big competition at nationals. Well, thank you very much for volunteering your star for our night of neglect benefit.
Dustin Goolsby: What are you talking about? I never approved that. Let me cut to the sexy chase. Think about how many more years you have left of productive ovulating. Those aren't eggs in those fallopian tubes. They're rare, exotic pearls.
Holly Holliday: Oh. So you're trying to seduce me.
Dustin Goolsby: Jackpot. This hairline is 85% my own, and my sperm count is off the charts.
Holly Holliday: Well... As tempting as that sounds, I have a boyfriend.
Dustin Goolsby: Yeah, you do now. Admit it. I'm handsome, I'm good-looking, and I'm easy on the eyes. Also, I'm gorgeous.
Holly Holliday: And I'm dating Will Schuester.
Dustin Goolsby: Let me tell you something about Will schuester. That guy has tiny baby hands. Seriously. It's weird. Once I saw him try to pick up a big Mac, and he couldn't do it. He had to eat it layer by layer. Teeny, tiny, wee baby hands.
Will Schuester: That are big enough to knock your teeth out.
Dustin Goolsby: Well, this is awkward. Consider my offer.
Will Schuester: What offer?
Holly Holliday: He was just hitting on me. Isn't that silly? What's wrong?
Will Schuester: Well, we were supposed to have lunch, and you don't show. And now you're getting hit on by the coach of our archrival.
Holly Holliday: How is that my fault? And by the way, I did show up for lunch, and you looked like you were actually having a pretty good time. I kind of felt like I was intruding, so... Oh, man. I am... I am not the jealous type, Will.
Will Schuester: Neither am I. Look, how about instead of a pointless argument, we rehearse our duet for the benefit?
Holly Holliday: I really don't, uh, feel in the mood to do a duet right now. I think I just have to clear my head.
Will Schuester: Uh, no problem. I'll see you at the benefit.



Rachel Berry: Well, as you can see, we have followed your exact specifications.
Mercedes Jones: Wait, where's my puppy?
Lauren Zizes: She specifically asked for a puppy.
Mercedes Jones: This is unbelievable. How am I supposed to work like this?
Rachel Berry: Don't worry. Puckerman is out right now scouring pounds for the perfect pomeranian.
Lauren Zizes: Good. This is almost worthy of the artist doing the closing number at the benefit.
Rachel Berry: Well, actually, um, Sunshine is going to be doing the last number, because she's bringing in hundreds of people. And so, I'll go on before Sunshine because, I'm, well, me, and, uh, Ms. Holliday and Mercedes will go on before me.
Lauren Zizes: Fine. But Ms. Jones isn't happy about it. In exchange, she's demanding that during the day of the benefit, her feet never touch the ground.
Rachel Berry: Excuse me?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, did you not see Celine's wedding?
Mercedes Jones: Carried in.
Lauren Zizes: Cher's comeback tour?
Mercedes Jones: Carried in.
Lauren Zizes: Gaga at the Grammys?
Mercedes Jones: Carried the hell in.
Rachel Berry: Um, I'm sorry. Are-are you saying that you want to be carried in in a giant egg?
Lauren Zizes: We'll get back to you.



Kurt Hummel: And that was the Spanish classroom. And of course, you know the choir room.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey, you guys, you better get in the auditorium.
Artie Abrams: The show's about to start. It's going to be a full house, ya'll. Got to get there early to get a good seat.
Kurt Hummel: We'll be there in a minute. I'm just showing Blaine around.
Artie Abrams: Thanks for coming and supporting us, guys. It's really cool.
Kurt Hummel: Bye.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, you miss them.
Dave Karofsky: What the hell are you two doing here?
Kurt Hummel: We're here for the benefit. Don't tell me you're going.
Dave Karofsky: I wouldn't be caught dead. I was pumping iron in the gym, and one of the guys told me you two were here spreading your fairy dust all over the place.
Blaine Anderson: Would you just give it up? You can live whatever lie you want, but don't pretend the three of us don't know what's really going on here.
Dave Karofsky: You don't know squat, butt boy.
Santana Lopez: Hey, no, guys, stop!
Kurt Hummel: Real brave with your fists, but you're a coward when it comes to the truth.
Santana Lopez: Truth about what?
Dave Karofsky: It's none of your business, J.Lo.
Santana Lopez: First of all, anything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushee up in my grill.
Dave Karofsky: I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl.
Santana Lopez: Okay. See, here's what's gonna go down. Two choices. You stay here, and I crack one of your nuts... right or left, that's your choice... or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag another day. Oh, and also, I have razorblades hidden in my hair. Mm-hmm. Tons. Just all up in there. Mm-hmm.
Blaine Anderson: We could have handled that.
Santana Lopez: It was more fun doing it together. Oh, crap.
New Directions: # la, la, la, la, la #
# la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la #
Santana Lopez: Hold up, hold up. This just in. According to Sunshine's Twitter, she's not coming, and neither are any of her followers.
Rachel Berry: I told you. She's evil.
Noah Puckerman: I was just in the auditorium. There's, like, six people in there. I say we blow this whole thing off and hit the arcade.
Finn Hudson: No. No. Screw that. These people paid to see us sing. What's that saying? The show's got to go all over the place or something.
Rachel Berry: You mean, "the show must go on."
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Finn's right, you guys. Okay, whether there's six or 6,000 people, out there, we still have to give it our all. Okay, Tina, you're up first.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # Oh I beg you, #
# Can I follow? #
Becky Jackson: You suck!
Jacob Ben Israel: Where's Rachel Berry?
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Be my only #
Sandy Ryerson: Show tunes! Show tunes! Show tunes!
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Be the water where I'm wading #
Becky Jackson: You make me barf!
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You're my river running high, run deep run wild #
# I, I follow, #
# I follow you deep sea baby #
Azimio Adams: Boo!
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I follow you I, I follow, #
Azimio Adams: Damn, is this even music?
Becky Jackson: Boo! Kiss my ass! I can't take this! I can't stand this!
Jacob Ben Israel: Boo!
Becky Jackson: Boo!
Sandy Ryerson: Boo!



Tina Cohen-Chang: It's the worst I've ever felt in my entire life.
Artie Abrams: I didn't think it was possible for people to hate us even more. We're calling this off.
Will Schuester: Guys, I hate to say it, but I think we have to buck up. Tina, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it's actually a really good lesson for us. I mean, that's a part of show business, guys. Sometimes people can be really mean. Think about what's going to happen if we have an unfriendly crowd at nationals in New York. And I'm sure there's going to be some vocal adrenaline hecklers there, too. We need to find some strength and barrel through this. I think I may know a way to shut those hecklers up for a number or two.



Quinn Fabray: Take as much as you want.
Jacob Ben Israel: Thanks, babe. I'll take two.
Quinn Fabray: And remember, vote Quinn Fabray for prom queen.
Sam Evans: And now, please enjoy the dance stylings of Mr. Mike Chang as he busts some moves to Jack Johnson's "bubble toes." #
Jack Johnson: # It's as simples as something that nobody knows #
# that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes #
# on the feet of a queen #
# of the hearts of the cards #
# and her feet are all covered with tar balls #
# and so #
# well, I was eating lunch at the dlg #
# when this little girl came and she sat next to me #
# never seen nobody move the way she did #
# well, she did, and she does, and she'll do it again #
# when you move like a jellyfish, rhythm is nothing #
# you go with the flow, you don't stop #
# hmm #
# it's as common as something that nobody knows #
# that her beauty will follow wherever she goes #
# up the hill in the back of her house #
# in the wood, she'll love me forever, I know #
# she la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da, la... #
# if you would only listen #
# you might just realize what you're missing #
# you're missing me #
# it's as simple as something that nobody knows #
# that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes #
# on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards #
# he feet are infested with tar balls #
# and la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... #
Kurt Hummel: Whoo! Whoo!
Blaine Anderson: Bravo!
Kurt Hummel: Whoo!
Blaine Anderson: Yeah!



Mike Chang: That was all kinds of awesome.
Sam Evans: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Terrific job, Mike.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Whoo!
Will Schuester: Hey, sounds like the heckling club loved our refreshments.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, but we're almost out of that Taffy. How are we going to keep them from going after us again after the intermission?
Will Schuester: By being so good that they can't heckle us. And I know just the person for the job. W-where's Mercedes? She's up.
Lauren Zizes: I'm sorry. Ms. Jones has not appreciated the way she's been treated and is refusing to go on.
Will Schuester: Let me talk to her.
Lauren Zizes: Don't bother. Mercedes has left the building.
Holly Holliday: Okay, you guys, go find Mercedes. I'm gonna go deal with the haters.



Jacob Ben Israel: Are we in trouble?
Holly Holliday: Oh, no. Not at all. I was just taking the opportunity of intermission to tell you guys what great hecklers you are. You must practice a lot.
Azimio Adams: No, not that much. Just on the Internet only. You know, my posts on NCIS and Miami chat rooms are legendary.
Holly Holliday: You're kidding. I've never seen you on there.
Azimio Adams: You wouldn't. Because I post as "NCISucks" or "NCIStupid."
Becky Jackson: I'm "the Beckster" on the entertainment weekly chatrooms.
Jacob Ben Israel: And my "curlyhairincairo" Twitter account helped bring down mubarak. Technology has allowed us to be brutally cruel without suffering any consequences. In the past, if I wanted to tell someone they sucked, I'd have to say it to their face, which would usually result in them kicking me in the groin.
Holly Holliday: I get it. We live in a culture of insults. I mean, we're constantly bombarded with these images of people who are richer than us, and happier than us, and have more interesting sex than us, and it makes us feel terrible.
Becky Jackson: Preach.
Holly Holliday: You know, we tear them down to feel better about ourselves. And we don't just stop with the people who are on TV or in magazines, we do it to everybody. And we think that because it's done anonymously, there are no ramifications. But there are ramifications, guys. Because it makes you comfortable with insensitivity. Do you know that one of the girls you heckled tonight has been crying for an hour?
Azimio Adams: Are you saying you never ragged on anybody?
Holly Holliday: Oh, of course I did. I spent three years sending hate mail to Debbie Gibson until she wrote me back and said that the stress of my letters was giving her alopecia. And then I felt terrible because I realized it was just my jealousy that she could fill a mall with her adoring fans. You guys are great kids. Some of those insults were rad. But just think about how you could lift up the world if you turned some of those barbs into roses. I mean, intermission's almost over. Why don't you get back in there and turn some of that jeering into cheering?
Azimio Adams: Na, no. I think I'm just going to go home, probably do a new post about how handsome mark harmon is.
Becky Jackson: Me, too. I'm out.
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm splitting, too. They say, "if you have nothing nice to say..." I'll be 18 in three years. Wait for me?



Rachel Berry: Let me in. Let me in. Come on. It's raining. We've all been looking for you.
Mercedes Jones: Don't bother with the pep talk. I'm not going back in there. My demands were not met.
Rachel Berry: Have you ever read anything about Aretha Franklin? She was a gospel singer. And one day, she went to this-this show. Nothing fancy. It was just, like, a state fair. And the master of ceremonies hands her a tiara and calls her the queen of soul. And that's how she earned her crown. That's how she gained all of her respect. Not by-by requesting for special pillows, or-or food, but for doing what she does the best... singing.
Mercedes Jones: I just don't get it. Why are you a bigger star than me? You always get the big solos, the best songs, the moments in the sun. Why is it never me?
Rachel Berry: I don't know. I mean, you're just as good of a singer as I am.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah. And everyone actually likes me.
Rachel Berry: That's your problem. Because I would rather be a star than be liked. And-and... I'm not saying that it's healthy, and I'm not saying that it's better than being loved, but there's nothing... nothing... that I wouldn't do for the chance to be in the spotlight.
Mercedes Jones: I just... really wanted that closing slot.
Rachel Berry: Well, if you want that closing slot, then go in there and take it from me.



Sandy Ryerson: Where is everybody? Let's get on with it.
Blaine Anderson: You're a really horrible person, you know that?
Sandy Ryerson: You sound like my court-appointed therapist.
Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, I'm going to need to speak with you right now.
Sandy Ryerson: Yes, general.
Will Schuester: You know, I had a feeling you might be behind this.
Sue Sylvester: You have no proof.
Sam Evans: And now, ladies and gentlemen, miss Holly Holliday.
Holly Holliday: # Close enough to start a war #
# all that I have is on the floor #
# God only knows what we're fighting for #
# all that I say #
# you always say more #
# I can't keep up with your turning tables #
# under your thumb #
# I can't breathe #
# so I won't let you close enough to hurt me #
# no, I won't ask you #
# you to just desert me #
# I can't give you #
# what you think you gave me #
# it's time to say good-bye #
# to turning tables #
# to turning tables #
# next time, I'll be braver #
# I'll be my own savior #
# when the thunder calls for me #
# next time I'll be braver #
# I'll be my own savior #
# standing on my own two feet #
# I won't let you #
# close enough to hurt me #
# no, I won't ask you #
# you to just desert me #
# I can't give you #
# what you think you gave me #
# it's time to say good-bye #
# to turning tables #
# to turning tables #
# turning tables #
# yeah, yeah #
# turning #
# yeah... #



Sandy Ryerson: Frankly, I resent your implication. I'm a fantastic super villain.
Sue Sylvester: Sandy, I just saw Jacob Ben Israel, azimio and Becky Jackson leave the benefit they were supposed to be ruining together in a car with the license plate "jewfro."
Sandy Ryerson: I lost track of 'em. I went into the bathroom, when I came out, they were gone. I was applying a light coat of powder and practicing catch phrases to use when I really take someone down a peg.
Sue Sylvester: Like?
Sandy Ryerson: You just got poked. Poked by the dagger!
Sue Sylvester: Your job was to crush their spirit, and had you done that, they would have closed up shop by intermission. Now get back in there and question the whole purpose of arts education.
Sandy Ryerson: I'm getting back in there. That Glee club's not gonna know what hit 'em!



Rachel Berry: I tried, but I don't think she's coming. I need to start warming up.
Quinn Fabray: Lauren, you're her manager.Why don't you do something?
Lauren Zizes: See, my client, Ms. Jones, is not picking up her phone.
Quinn Fabray: Oh.
Lauren Zizes: So...
Mercedes Jones: Miss Jones is fine.
Finn Hudson: Wait. Shouldn't one of us be carrying you in?
Mercedes Jones: I have only one more demand. I demand that all of you get your butts out there and watch me sing.
Artie Abrams: Hallelujah!
Lauren Zizes: You heard the woman. Let's go.



Sam Evans: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Mercedes Jones.
Sandy Ryerson: Oh, dear God, I love this song.
Mercedes Jones: # Ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# if you won't let me #
# oh, no #
# I know that a woman's duty #
# is to help and love a man #
# and that's the way it was planned #
# oh, oh-oh, oh-oh #
# it ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it just ain't no way, baby #
# ain't no way #
# ain't no way, baby #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# ooh... #
# if you won't let me #
# stop trying to be someone you're not #
# and if you need me #
# oh, oh, oh #
# to love you #
# say #
# say #
# say, say #
# say #
# you do #
# you do #
# oh, then baby, baby, baby #
# don't you know that I need you? #
# ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# I tell you that it ain't no way, it ain't no way #
# it ain't no way, baby #
# no #
# ain't no way #
# it just ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it sure ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# if you won't #
# let me. #
Oh. All right, girl, time for the closing number. Go bring the house down.
Rachel Berry: Are you kidding me? Nobody could follow that. Okay, the house has been brought down. That was the closing number.



Holly Holliday: Bye. Hey, hot stuff.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Holly Holliday: How are the kids doing? They were amazeballs tonight, right?
Will Schuester: Yeah, they're good. Everyone's in the choir room, and they all want to thank you for helping out with the benefit and the hecklers and... Why were you in the janitor's closet with the door closed?
Holly Holliday: Okay, 'cause I'm a sub, and that's the office that Figgins gives me. Guess what? I just got offered a job to teach french in Cleveland. Isn't that great?
Will Schuester: Full time?
Holly Holliday: No. Who are you talking to? Four months, tops.
Will Schuester: Don't you have any feelings about leaving?
Holly Holliday: Didn't you listen to my song? I told you, Will. I live the glamorous life of a substitute teacher, and I'm deathly allergic to commitment. You knew that this was going to end this way.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Holly Holliday: You're too nice for me. But you broke my record. Five dates.
Will Schuester: Are you counting that one we had in the janitor's closet yesterday?
Holly Holliday: That was my favorite one.
Will Schuester: Mine, too. You think you're ever gonna settle down?
Holly Holliday: Maybe. But not with you. You're in love with somebody else, and thanks to my counseling, she's available now. And by the way, she's totally into you, too.
Will Schuester: Holly? Will you come back and visit?
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.



Will Schuester: Sandy, what are you doing in here?
Sandy Ryerson: I tried to be a hater, but I just couldn't do it. That song and the weed I smoked immediately prior... it gave me a change of heart.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Ryerson offered to pay for our trip.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah!
Mike Chang: Bring it!
Sandy Ryerson: It's drug money, but you know, it's actually a fantastic way to launder it. Good-bye, William. I miss the arts, I really do. You just got poked. Poked by the dagger!
The Brainiacs: Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit!



Sue Sylvester: This is a disaster. Pink Dagger, not only did you fail to disrupt the night of neglect. You funded it in full. In fact, you were its only donor.
Sandy Ryerson: Aretha is my kryptonite.
Sue Sylvester: Sergeant Handsome, what do you have to say for yourself?
Dustin Goolsby: Hey, I did get them to break up. Who knew it was gonna be amicable, and sort of have nothing to do with me? I pulled Sunshine out of the benefit. Don't I get credit for that?
Sue Sylvester: No. In my hour of need, Honey Badger, I turn to you. Your time has come.



Rod Remington: Well, at the end of regulation, we're all tied up.
Artie Abrams: Excuse me, Mr. Remington? We would just like to say hi to our friends in Glee club. We love you guys.
Brittany S. Pierce: Love you.
Mike Chang: Love you.
Rod Remington: And now... The tie-breaker question. The category: "Hermaphrodite nazi sympathizers."


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee. Will's dating the hot substitute, Holly Holliday. She's totally sassy and you can really see why he's into her.
Will Schuester: Sexy.
Ian Brennan: Quinn and Finn are back together in a big way, and so is the Glee club. They did original songs, and now they're headed to New York.
Sue Sylvester: Get out! Go!
Ian Brennan: But Sue thinks Will made her lose at nationals, and she's sort of gone over the edge, even for her, and that's saying something, and that's what you missed on Glee!



Will Schuester: All right. We need $5,000 to pay for our trip to nationals in New York.
Quinn Fabray: What happened to the money that we got from the Cheerios?
Will Schuester: I guess Sue was hiding it in offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands, and we're having some trouble accessing some of it. Any of it. This is salt water Taffy.
Brittany S. Pierce: Ah, I love salt water.
Will Schuester: When I was a student here, we paid for our entire trip to nationals, selling this. Classroom to classroom, door to door, we pushed this stuff like crack. And so will we. So, to make $5,000 at 25 cents apiece, we need to sell 20,000 pieces of Taffy.
Santana Lopez: Wait, do you honestly think that we can sell 20,000 anythings? I mean, we won regionals for the first time since dinosaurs roamed the planet, and I still got a freaking cherry icee facial.



Dave Karofsky: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.



Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Santana is right. Nobody cares about us.
Mike Chang: I can't listen to this.
Will Schuester: Mike, are you okay?
Mike Chang: No. You guys complain all the time about being mistreated, but you have no idea what it's like to work your butt off for something and have everyone, even your friends, ignore you.
Lauren Zizes: I am so trying to remember his name right now.
Mike Chang: Artie, Tina, Brittany and I are on the brainiacs.
Rachel Berry: Isn't that the academic decathlon team?
Finn Hudson: Wait. We have one of those?
Artie Abrams: Yes, we do. And the four of us went on the smartypants show, and beat Carmel high to go to the academic decathlon finals in Detroit next week.
Sam Evans: What? You guys were on TV? Well, why didn't you tell us about it?
Artie, Tina, Brittany & Mike: We did!
Will Schuester: Wait, I... I get the three of you being on the team...
Noah Puckerman: Is it because two of them are Asian, and Artie wears glasses?
Will Schuester: No... but Brittany?
Mike Chang: Liz Schneider was our fourth, but she got rubella.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Her parents are hippies who don't believe in vaccinations.
Artie Abrams: Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice.



Artie Abrams: We bribed her with dots. That Sunshine Corazon that Rachel sent to a crack house was on the other team.
Sunshine Corazon: I'll take "deadly cyclones," please.
Rod Remington: Right on, soul sister. In 1970...
Sunshine Corazon: The Bhola cyclone.
Rod Remington: Correct again.
Artie Abrams: Luckily, we had our own secret weapon.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'll take "cat diseases."
Rod Remington: I won't! The first known case of this disease was first diagnosed in Calcutta in 2001.
Brittany S. Pierce: Feline aids?
Rod Remington: Correct. Bonus question.
Brittany S. Pierce: Ringworm. Conjunctivitis. Kidney failure.
Rod Remington: Now, on to our final speed round question. Whoever buzzes in first and answers correctly will win the title and go on to our finals next week in Detroit. Our final category, "white rappers."



Artie Abrams: Sadly, we can't afford to go to the finals, so we're gonna have to forfeit.
Rachel Berry: Why don't you just have your parents pay for it?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Because we shouldn't have to. We're a school club. The school should pay for it. It's a matter of pride.
Will Schuester: You guys are absolutely right. How much do you need to make the trip?
Tina Cohen-Chang: With gas and motels, if we only eat funyuns, uh, $250.
Will Schuester: Which means... We just need to sell more Taffy.



Sue Sylvester: I'm sure you're wondering why I called you all together here in the dead of night, when I'm normally out bow-hunting for hobos. Dustin Goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline. Sandy Ryerson, defrocked educator and legendary friend of Dorothy. Terri Schuester, shrew.
Terri Del Monico: I'm also an assistant manager.
Sue Sylvester: We all have one very important thing in common. We all hate Will Schuester.
Sandy Ryerson: I have a question. Are you single?
Dustin Goolsby: Uh, I'm not gay.
Sandy Ryerson: I don't care. You're hunky, and I'm what they call "predatory gay."
Sue Sylvester: I'll admit I've been on a bit of a losing streak, having lost regionals, and if Will Schuester wins at nationals, my role as reigning champion at this school will be usurped. I'm asking you for your help. Our mission? To destroy the Glee club. We'll target their fragile sense of self-esteem so that they implode long before they can make it to nationals. And I call this union... The league of doom.
Sandy Ryerson: Ooh.
Terri Del Monico: Okay, first of all, that is a ridiculous name. And second of all, what kind of a meeting doesn't have bagels or something?
Sue Sylvester: Wow, it would be hard to be married to you.
Terri Del Monico: And for the record?
Sandy Ryerson: Or mixed nuts...
Terri Del Monico: I am trying to move on with my life. I don't hate Will Schuester.
Sue Sylvester: But you do hate the Glee club.
Terri Del Monico: That's true. I do. And I am looking for a new hobby.
Sue Sylvester: Henceforth, you will be known by the following super villain nicknames. Sandy Ryerson, you are the Pink Dagger.
Sandy Ryerson: Yes!
Sue Sylvester: You are the Honey Badger, nature's most ferocious animal. Look it up on YouTube. Dustin Goolsby? Sergeant Handsome. My codename will be general Zod.
Dustin Goolsby: Hold up. I coach the winningest Glee club in history. We're a lock to beat McKinley at nationals as it is. Why would I want to get involved in this?
Sue Sylvester: Well, because, sergeant, you strike me as a bit of a tool who enjoys playing mind games with your opponents.
Dustin Goolsby: That's true. I really do like doing that.
Sandy Ryerson: Legion of evil?
Sue Sylvester: League of doom.
Sandy Ryerson: You can count me in. Although I am enjoying my second career as a small-time medical marijuana dealer.
Sue Sylvester: Okey-dokey.
Sandy Ryerson: It doesn't change the fact that William took my job.
Sue Sylvester: Here are your beepers. You will await further instructions. And until then, we will be known only as...
Sandy Ryerson: The legion of evil.
Dustin Goolsby: I don't think I was listening when you said what our name was.
Terri Del Monico: Wait a second. Is it "league" or "legion"?
Sue Sylvester: Worst henchmen ever.



Will Schuester: I missed you so much last week. So what do you want to do tomorrow night?
Holly Holliday: Whoa, there, cowboy, we haven't even had our pizza yet.
Will Schuester: I'm just trying to get you when I can. You know, this is actually the first relationship I've had where the girl hasn't been all over me to spend more time with her.
Holly Holliday: Well, get used to it. I'm a sub. I'm a rolling stone. I warned you that being in a relationship with me meant being in a constant state of wanting. I am both awesome and unavailable at the same time.
Will Schuester: You're kind of awesome. What do you think about my Taffy sale plan to send the brainiacs to Detroit?
Holly Holliday: Um, I think it's as terrible as the word "brainiacs," but... Oh, okay. Here's your problem, all right? You're thinking too small, okay? That crazy ex-wife of yours messed with your brain and now you think you can't dream.
Will Schuester: Okay. Well, what's your idea?
Holly Holliday: A night of neglect.
Will Schuester: That actually sounds like life with my ex-wife.
Holly Holliday: Hilarious. No, seriously, here's what you need to do.
Will Schuester: Oh, hot.
Holly Holliday: Have a benefit. You know how they do on TV when there's, like, an earthquake, or they want to raise money for, like, a sad disease.
Will Schuester: That's actually a really good idea.
Holly Holliday: I know it is. See, your kids are feeling really neglected, right? So you fill the auditorium with people who are there to hear them sing, and poof!
Will Schuester: Oh, I'm loving this. And we can sell tickets. And it is a perfect place to practice for nationals.
Holly Holliday: And you know the best part?



Will Schuester: We're only going to do songs by neglected artists. Because it's "a night of neglect."
Rachel Berry: Can you define what you mean by "neglected artist"?
Will Schuester: Um, someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated.
Rachel Berry: Oh, so you mean like me.
Will Schuester: I mean, like all of us. All right, everyone, next Saturday night, in our auditorium, McKinley high's first annual "night of neglect" fund-raiser benefit is officially a go!



Sue Sylvester: Sergeant Handsome, walk with me.
Dustin Goolsby: I'm surprised you even saw me. I was blending in pretty well back there.
Sue Sylvester: Here's your mission. Word on the street is that Schuester and that substitute Holly Holliday are official. I need you to break them up. She's looser than a thrift store turtleneck and probably just as diseased.
Dustin Goolsby: Just my type.
Sue Sylvester: Psst!
Sandy Ryerson: Ready for my close-up, general Zog.
Sue Sylvester: Sandy, how do you manage to enter a building without setting off all the fire alarms?
Sandy Ryerson: You know, I have to say, with all this sneaking around, I have never felt more alive. What's my assignment?
Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, I just learned that the Glee club is performing a benefit concert. It's just the opening we need. There's a student club I want you to sponsor.



Sandy Ryerson: Heckling. The world's second oldest profession.
Azimio Adams: Hell am I doing in here?
Sue Sylvester: Good. Louder.
Sandy Ryerson: In olden times, hecklers provided a needed service to the medieval community.
Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, if I may. Welcome to the very first meeting of the heckling club.
Azimio Adams: You set me up. You told me I was supposed to come here to get homework help.
Sue Sylvester: Congratulations. You're all in.
Becky Jackson: I'm really confused.



Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm totally doing Lykke Li. She's bjork meets Florence and the machine, and a promising new talent. What about you, Mike?
Mike Chang: The Mike Chang dance dance revolution. I'm tired of my dancing being overshadowed by all of you guys' singing. It's going to be just me and my sweet moves on that stage.
Mercedes Jones: You're forgetting about the most neglected artist this Glee club's ever seen... Aretha Franklin.
Lauren Zizes: Neglected? She's, like, the queen of soul.
Mercedes Jones: See, I auditioned for this club singing "respect," and she's gotten none since. So I'm doing Aretha.
Rachel Berry: Awesome, Mercedes. Awesome, all of you guys. Those songs are great appetizers to my main course. Celine Dion's "my heart will go on." It's gonna be our finale.
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's like the biggest song of all time.
Rachel Berry: No. You don't understand. Celine isn't the neglected artist, I am.
Mercedes Jones: I was kind of hoping to do the closing number.
Finn Hudson: Hey, you guys remember Sunshine Corazon?



Rachel Berry: You are a terrible spy.
Artie Abrams: Seriously, with your size, you easily could have stayed in the air ducts for days.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's right.
Sunshine Corazon: I'm not a spy. I heard about your benefit concert on Facebook, and I wanted to perform. I know what it feels like to be in academic decathlon. No one pays attention to you. No one cares. It's not right. We study so hard.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, but you're in vocal adrenaline. How do we know we can trust you?
Sunshine Corazon: Because I have nothing against any of you. I have 600 Twitter followers. I can get all of them to come.
Finn Hudson: How many tickets have we sold so far?
Noah Puckerman: Four. No one's interested.
Finn Hudson: It's just sad.
Sunshine Corazon: Please, just let me show you what I can do. I would like to sing the perfect song about neglect, "all by myself." I'm such a better singer than everyone else, so I know how it feels. I'm all alone at the top. Also, I'm really short. So even when I'm in a group of people, it feels like I'm wandering alone through a forest.
Rachel Berry: There's no way that she's singing in our auditorium, okay? She's the enemy.
Noah Puckerman: I say we give her a chance. I mean, you owe her, Rachel. You sent her to a frickin' crack house.
Sunshine Corazon: # When I was young,
# I never needed anyone. #
# And makin' love was just for fun. #
# Those days are gone. #
# Livin' alone, #
# I think of all the friends I've known, #
# But when I dial the telephone, #
# Nobody's home. #
# All by myself, #
# Don't wanna be all by myself anymore. #
# All by myself, #
# Don't wanna live. #
# All by myself, #
# Anymore. #
# Don't wanna live by myself, #
# By myself, #
# Anymore. #
# By myself, #
# Anymore. #
# Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh. #
So, can I perform with you guys?



Rachel Berry: Absolutely not. She's just trying to get on our good sides so she can spy on us.
Quinn Fabray: You're one to talk. We told you the same thing about Jesse St. James last year.
Rachel Berry: And you were right!
Finn Hudson: This whole thing isn't about us. It's about helping the brainiacs.
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, we need Sunshine's Twitter followers to come and pay for tickets, or there's no point in having a benefit at all.
Rachel Berry: Fine. Mercedes, you're okay with being bumped to the decidedly less glamorous middle spot. Right?
Mercedes Jones: Um... sure, I guess. Absolutely.



Lauren Zizes: Hey, Mercedes, can I have your shoes? I promise to give you a dirty pair of my flip-flops in return.
Mercedes Jones: Do you know how hard it is to find high-top, yellow patent leather sneakers?
Lauren Zizes: Really? I'm surprised you didn't just give them to me, considering how little you think of yourself. You're the most talented singer in Glee club, yet you're constantly taking the backseat to everyone.
Mercedes Jones: Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm-I'm tired of fighting with Rachel all the time.
Lauren Zizes: Okay, you're always singing about r-e-s-p-e-c-t, but respect isn't something you can ask for. You have to demand it. And you deserve it.
Mercedes Jones: You don't seem to have trouble in that department.
Lauren Zizes: Right. You know what? Neither does Aretha or J-lo or Mariah. You know why? Because they get proof every day. I heard Mariah makes appointments at 9:00 A.M., and shows up at 4:00 in the afternoon because she knows people will wait.
Mercedes Jones: But those kinds of demands are ridiculous.
Lauren Zizes: Exactly. But once you see that no matter how ridiculous your demands, people will meet them, you know you have it.
Mercedes Jones: Have what?
Lauren Zizes: Respect. And as your manager, I'd say you're thinking too small.
Mercedes Jones: Wait a minute. Since when are you my manager?
Lauren Zizes: Since you agreed to give me ten percent of whatever we can come up with to ask for.
Mercedes Jones: Sister, you got yourself a deal.



Will Schuester: Are you okay?
Emma Pillsbury: Yup. I will be as soon as this counter's really clean.
Will Schuester: I hear that OCD symptoms tend to get worse when the person is under great stress.
Emma Pillsbury: Carl's gone. He asked for an annulment, which I guess he's legally entitled to, considering we never actually consummated the marriage.
Will Schuester: You guys never...?
Emma Pillsbury: At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is 32 too young? I actually believed that I'd have a handle on my OCD by now. It's just been so long, and... I'm so tired.
Will Schuester: This your lunch?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. What are you doing?
Will Schuester: One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing. Until then, I'm here for you. No judgment. Just... a friend that you can count on. Cheers.



Finn Hudson: So, uh, the braniacs asked us to be benefit heads for the night of neglect.
Quinn Fabray: And we would like to select you head of talent relations.
Finn Hudson: We figured you're probably used to relating to talent because you're so talented.
Rachel Berry: Well, first, I'm honored that you came to me, but I think it's a little insensitive of you to be flaunting your dating in my face.
Quinn Fabray: Fantastic. 'Cause we are having problems with one of our performers.



Mercedes Jones: A) I need a bowl of green M&Ms. And by bowl, I mean large bowl. Well, really a small barrel.
Finn Hudson: O... kay.
Mercedes Jones: Two) I need humidifiers. Lots of humidifiers. A team of humidifiers whose only job is to make the air that Mercedes breathes more humid.
Quinn Fabray: We'll try our best.
Mercedes Jones: Shh. I'm not finished. Before every performance, I like to wash my hands. And after doing so, I like to dry them on a fresh puppy.
Finn Hudson: Excuse me?
Lauren Zizes: I believe you heard Ms. Jones. In fact, if I were you, I'd probably get a whole litter of Fluffy puppies, just in case she decides to take a post-show shower.



Rachel Berry: Stars make demands the way that babies make messes in their diapers. They can't help it. What a star wants is to just feel appreciated and respected. They just want to feel like they're being heard.
Finn Hudson: She seemed pretty serious about the puppy.
Rachel Berry: Well, obviously, hers is a talent that we have neglected. I can relate. So leave it to me. I'll take care of it.



Holly Holliday: Hello, class. I am the world's most famous and stylish divorcee Wallace Simpson. I was married a bunch of times, and then I fell in love with Edward viii and made him abdicate the throne. I had giant hands, so a lot of people thought I was a hermaphrodite, but that wasn't true. Others said I was a Nazi sympathizer. That was true. Boy, did I think that Hitler showed promise! Tomorrow we're gonna do Catherine the great and her pet stallion Fred, so come early.
Dustin Goolsby: We haven't been introduced. I'm Dustin Goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline.
Holly Holliday: Oh. So you're the big competition at nationals. Well, thank you very much for volunteering your star for our night of neglect benefit.
Dustin Goolsby: What are you talking about? I never approved that. Let me cut to the sexy chase. Think about how many more years you have left of productive ovulating. Those aren't eggs in those fallopian tubes. They're rare, exotic pearls.
Holly Holliday: Oh. So you're trying to seduce me.
Dustin Goolsby: Jackpot. This hairline is 85% my own, and my sperm count is off the charts.
Holly Holliday: Well... As tempting as that sounds, I have a boyfriend.
Dustin Goolsby: Yeah, you do now. Admit it. I'm handsome, I'm good-looking, and I'm easy on the eyes. Also, I'm gorgeous.
Holly Holliday: And I'm dating Will Schuester.
Dustin Goolsby: Let me tell you something about Will schuester. That guy has tiny baby hands. Seriously. It's weird. Once I saw him try to pick up a big Mac, and he couldn't do it. He had to eat it layer by layer. Teeny, tiny, wee baby hands.
Will Schuester: That are big enough to knock your teeth out.
Dustin Goolsby: Well, this is awkward. Consider my offer.
Will Schuester: What offer?
Holly Holliday: He was just hitting on me. Isn't that silly? What's wrong?
Will Schuester: Well, we were supposed to have lunch, and you don't show. And now you're getting hit on by the coach of our archrival.
Holly Holliday: How is that my fault? And by the way, I did show up for lunch, and you looked like you were actually having a pretty good time. I kind of felt like I was intruding, so... Oh, man. I am... I am not the jealous type, Will.
Will Schuester: Neither am I. Look, how about instead of a pointless argument, we rehearse our duet for the benefit?
Holly Holliday: I really don't, uh, feel in the mood to do a duet right now. I think I just have to clear my head.
Will Schuester: Uh, no problem. I'll see you at the benefit.



Rachel Berry: Well, as you can see, we have followed your exact specifications.
Mercedes Jones: Wait, where's my puppy?
Lauren Zizes: She specifically asked for a puppy.
Mercedes Jones: This is unbelievable. How am I supposed to work like this?
Rachel Berry: Don't worry. Puckerman is out right now scouring pounds for the perfect pomeranian.
Lauren Zizes: Good. This is almost worthy of the artist doing the closing number at the benefit.
Rachel Berry: Well, actually, um, Sunshine is going to be doing the last number, because she's bringing in hundreds of people. And so, I'll go on before Sunshine because, I'm, well, me, and, uh, Ms. Holliday and Mercedes will go on before me.
Lauren Zizes: Fine. But Ms. Jones isn't happy about it. In exchange, she's demanding that during the day of the benefit, her feet never touch the ground.
Rachel Berry: Excuse me?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, did you not see Celine's wedding?
Mercedes Jones: Carried in.
Lauren Zizes: Cher's comeback tour?
Mercedes Jones: Carried in.
Lauren Zizes: Gaga at the Grammys?
Mercedes Jones: Carried the hell in.
Rachel Berry: Um, I'm sorry. Are-are you saying that you want to be carried in in a giant egg?
Lauren Zizes: We'll get back to you.



Kurt Hummel: And that was the Spanish classroom. And of course, you know the choir room.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey, you guys, you better get in the auditorium.
Artie Abrams: The show's about to start. It's going to be a full house, ya'll. Got to get there early to get a good seat.
Kurt Hummel: We'll be there in a minute. I'm just showing Blaine around.
Artie Abrams: Thanks for coming and supporting us, guys. It's really cool.
Kurt Hummel: Bye.
Blaine Anderson: Oh, you miss them.
Dave Karofsky: What the hell are you two doing here?
Kurt Hummel: We're here for the benefit. Don't tell me you're going.
Dave Karofsky: I wouldn't be caught dead. I was pumping iron in the gym, and one of the guys told me you two were here spreading your fairy dust all over the place.
Blaine Anderson: Would you just give it up? You can live whatever lie you want, but don't pretend the three of us don't know what's really going on here.
Dave Karofsky: You don't know squat, butt boy.
Santana Lopez: Hey, no, guys, stop!
Kurt Hummel: Real brave with your fists, but you're a coward when it comes to the truth.
Santana Lopez: Truth about what?
Dave Karofsky: It's none of your business, J.Lo.
Santana Lopez: First of all, anything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushee up in my grill.
Dave Karofsky: I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl.
Santana Lopez: Okay. See, here's what's gonna go down. Two choices. You stay here, and I crack one of your nuts... right or left, that's your choice... or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag another day. Oh, and also, I have razorblades hidden in my hair. Mm-hmm. Tons. Just all up in there. Mm-hmm.
Blaine Anderson: We could have handled that.
Santana Lopez: It was more fun doing it together. Oh, crap.
New Directions: # la, la, la, la, la #
# la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la #
Santana Lopez: Hold up, hold up. This just in. According to Sunshine's Twitter, she's not coming, and neither are any of her followers.
Rachel Berry: I told you. She's evil.
Noah Puckerman: I was just in the auditorium. There's, like, six people in there. I say we blow this whole thing off and hit the arcade.
Finn Hudson: No. No. Screw that. These people paid to see us sing. What's that saying? The show's got to go all over the place or something.
Rachel Berry: You mean, "the show must go on."
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Finn's right, you guys. Okay, whether there's six or 6,000 people, out there, we still have to give it our all. Okay, Tina, you're up first.



Tina Cohen-Chang: # Oh I beg you, #
# Can I follow? #
Becky Jackson: You suck!
Jacob Ben Israel: Where's Rachel Berry?
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Be my only #
Sandy Ryerson: Show tunes! Show tunes! Show tunes!
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Be the water where I'm wading #
Becky Jackson: You make me barf!
Tina Cohen-Chang: # You're my river running high, run deep run wild #
# I, I follow, #
# I follow you deep sea baby #
Azimio Adams: Boo!
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I follow you I, I follow, #
Azimio Adams: Damn, is this even music?
Becky Jackson: Boo! Kiss my ass! I can't take this! I can't stand this!
Jacob Ben Israel: Boo!
Becky Jackson: Boo!
Sandy Ryerson: Boo!



Tina Cohen-Chang: It's the worst I've ever felt in my entire life.
Artie Abrams: I didn't think it was possible for people to hate us even more. We're calling this off.
Will Schuester: Guys, I hate to say it, but I think we have to buck up. Tina, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it's actually a really good lesson for us. I mean, that's a part of show business, guys. Sometimes people can be really mean. Think about what's going to happen if we have an unfriendly crowd at nationals in New York. And I'm sure there's going to be some vocal adrenaline hecklers there, too. We need to find some strength and barrel through this. I think I may know a way to shut those hecklers up for a number or two.



Quinn Fabray: Take as much as you want.
Jacob Ben Israel: Thanks, babe. I'll take two.
Quinn Fabray: And remember, vote Quinn Fabray for prom queen.
Sam Evans: And now, please enjoy the dance stylings of Mr. Mike Chang as he busts some moves to Jack Johnson's "bubble toes." #
Jack Johnson: # It's as simples as something that nobody knows #
# that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes #
# on the feet of a queen #
# of the hearts of the cards #
# and her feet are all covered with tar balls #
# and so #
# well, I was eating lunch at the dlg #
# when this little girl came and she sat next to me #
# never seen nobody move the way she did #
# well, she did, and she does, and she'll do it again #
# when you move like a jellyfish, rhythm is nothing #
# you go with the flow, you don't stop #
# hmm #
# it's as common as something that nobody knows #
# that her beauty will follow wherever she goes #
# up the hill in the back of her house #
# in the wood, she'll love me forever, I know #
# she la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da, la... #
# if you would only listen #
# you might just realize what you're missing #
# you're missing me #
# it's as simple as something that nobody knows #
# that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes #
# on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards #
# he feet are infested with tar balls #
# and la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da #
# la, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... #
Kurt Hummel: Whoo! Whoo!
Blaine Anderson: Bravo!
Kurt Hummel: Whoo!
Blaine Anderson: Yeah!



Mike Chang: That was all kinds of awesome.
Sam Evans: Yeah!
Will Schuester: Terrific job, Mike.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Whoo!
Will Schuester: Hey, sounds like the heckling club loved our refreshments.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, but we're almost out of that Taffy. How are we going to keep them from going after us again after the intermission?
Will Schuester: By being so good that they can't heckle us. And I know just the person for the job. W-where's Mercedes? She's up.
Lauren Zizes: I'm sorry. Ms. Jones has not appreciated the way she's been treated and is refusing to go on.
Will Schuester: Let me talk to her.
Lauren Zizes: Don't bother. Mercedes has left the building.
Holly Holliday: Okay, you guys, go find Mercedes. I'm gonna go deal with the haters.



Jacob Ben Israel: Are we in trouble?
Holly Holliday: Oh, no. Not at all. I was just taking the opportunity of intermission to tell you guys what great hecklers you are. You must practice a lot.
Azimio Adams: No, not that much. Just on the Internet only. You know, my posts on NCIS and Miami chat rooms are legendary.
Holly Holliday: You're kidding. I've never seen you on there.
Azimio Adams: You wouldn't. Because I post as "NCISucks" or "NCIStupid."
Becky Jackson: I'm "the Beckster" on the entertainment weekly chatrooms.
Jacob Ben Israel: And my "curlyhairincairo" Twitter account helped bring down mubarak. Technology has allowed us to be brutally cruel without suffering any consequences. In the past, if I wanted to tell someone they sucked, I'd have to say it to their face, which would usually result in them kicking me in the groin.
Holly Holliday: I get it. We live in a culture of insults. I mean, we're constantly bombarded with these images of people who are richer than us, and happier than us, and have more interesting sex than us, and it makes us feel terrible.
Becky Jackson: Preach.
Holly Holliday: You know, we tear them down to feel better about ourselves. And we don't just stop with the people who are on TV or in magazines, we do it to everybody. And we think that because it's done anonymously, there are no ramifications. But there are ramifications, guys. Because it makes you comfortable with insensitivity. Do you know that one of the girls you heckled tonight has been crying for an hour?
Azimio Adams: Are you saying you never ragged on anybody?
Holly Holliday: Oh, of course I did. I spent three years sending hate mail to Debbie Gibson until she wrote me back and said that the stress of my letters was giving her alopecia. And then I felt terrible because I realized it was just my jealousy that she could fill a mall with her adoring fans. You guys are great kids. Some of those insults were rad. But just think about how you could lift up the world if you turned some of those barbs into roses. I mean, intermission's almost over. Why don't you get back in there and turn some of that jeering into cheering?
Azimio Adams: Na, no. I think I'm just going to go home, probably do a new post about how handsome mark harmon is.
Becky Jackson: Me, too. I'm out.
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm splitting, too. They say, "if you have nothing nice to say..." I'll be 18 in three years. Wait for me?



Rachel Berry: Let me in. Let me in. Come on. It's raining. We've all been looking for you.
Mercedes Jones: Don't bother with the pep talk. I'm not going back in there. My demands were not met.
Rachel Berry: Have you ever read anything about Aretha Franklin? She was a gospel singer. And one day, she went to this-this show. Nothing fancy. It was just, like, a state fair. And the master of ceremonies hands her a tiara and calls her the queen of soul. And that's how she earned her crown. That's how she gained all of her respect. Not by-by requesting for special pillows, or-or food, but for doing what she does the best... singing.
Mercedes Jones: I just don't get it. Why are you a bigger star than me? You always get the big solos, the best songs, the moments in the sun. Why is it never me?
Rachel Berry: I don't know. I mean, you're just as good of a singer as I am.
Mercedes Jones: Yeah. And everyone actually likes me.
Rachel Berry: That's your problem. Because I would rather be a star than be liked. And-and... I'm not saying that it's healthy, and I'm not saying that it's better than being loved, but there's nothing... nothing... that I wouldn't do for the chance to be in the spotlight.
Mercedes Jones: I just... really wanted that closing slot.
Rachel Berry: Well, if you want that closing slot, then go in there and take it from me.



Sandy Ryerson: Where is everybody? Let's get on with it.
Blaine Anderson: You're a really horrible person, you know that?
Sandy Ryerson: You sound like my court-appointed therapist.
Sue Sylvester: Pink Dagger, I'm going to need to speak with you right now.
Sandy Ryerson: Yes, general.
Will Schuester: You know, I had a feeling you might be behind this.
Sue Sylvester: You have no proof.
Sam Evans: And now, ladies and gentlemen, miss Holly Holliday.
Holly Holliday: # Close enough to start a war #
# all that I have is on the floor #
# God only knows what we're fighting for #
# all that I say #
# you always say more #
# I can't keep up with your turning tables #
# under your thumb #
# I can't breathe #
# so I won't let you close enough to hurt me #
# no, I won't ask you #
# you to just desert me #
# I can't give you #
# what you think you gave me #
# it's time to say good-bye #
# to turning tables #
# to turning tables #
# next time, I'll be braver #
# I'll be my own savior #
# when the thunder calls for me #
# next time I'll be braver #
# I'll be my own savior #
# standing on my own two feet #
# I won't let you #
# close enough to hurt me #
# no, I won't ask you #
# you to just desert me #
# I can't give you #
# what you think you gave me #
# it's time to say good-bye #
# to turning tables #
# to turning tables #
# turning tables #
# yeah, yeah #
# turning #
# yeah... #



Sandy Ryerson: Frankly, I resent your implication. I'm a fantastic super villain.
Sue Sylvester: Sandy, I just saw Jacob Ben Israel, azimio and Becky Jackson leave the benefit they were supposed to be ruining together in a car with the license plate "jewfro."
Sandy Ryerson: I lost track of 'em. I went into the bathroom, when I came out, they were gone. I was applying a light coat of powder and practicing catch phrases to use when I really take someone down a peg.
Sue Sylvester: Like?
Sandy Ryerson: You just got poked. Poked by the dagger!
Sue Sylvester: Your job was to crush their spirit, and had you done that, they would have closed up shop by intermission. Now get back in there and question the whole purpose of arts education.
Sandy Ryerson: I'm getting back in there. That Glee club's not gonna know what hit 'em!



Rachel Berry: I tried, but I don't think she's coming. I need to start warming up.
Quinn Fabray: Lauren, you're her manager.Why don't you do something?
Lauren Zizes: See, my client, Ms. Jones, is not picking up her phone.
Quinn Fabray: Oh.
Lauren Zizes: So...
Mercedes Jones: Miss Jones is fine.
Finn Hudson: Wait. Shouldn't one of us be carrying you in?
Mercedes Jones: I have only one more demand. I demand that all of you get your butts out there and watch me sing.
Artie Abrams: Hallelujah!
Lauren Zizes: You heard the woman. Let's go.



Sam Evans: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Mercedes Jones.
Sandy Ryerson: Oh, dear God, I love this song.
Mercedes Jones: # Ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# if you won't let me #
# oh, no #
# I know that a woman's duty #
# is to help and love a man #
# and that's the way it was planned #
# oh, oh-oh, oh-oh #
# it ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it just ain't no way, baby #
# ain't no way #
# ain't no way, baby #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# ooh... #
# if you won't let me #
# stop trying to be someone you're not #
# and if you need me #
# oh, oh, oh #
# to love you #
# say #
# say #
# say, say #
# say #
# you do #
# you do #
# oh, then baby, baby, baby #
# don't you know that I need you? #
# ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# I tell you that it ain't no way, it ain't no way #
# it ain't no way, baby #
# no #
# ain't no way #
# it just ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it sure ain't no way #
# ain't no way #
# it ain't no way #
# for me to love you #
# if you won't #
# let me. #
Oh. All right, girl, time for the closing number. Go bring the house down.
Rachel Berry: Are you kidding me? Nobody could follow that. Okay, the house has been brought down. That was the closing number.



Holly Holliday: Bye. Hey, hot stuff.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Holly Holliday: How are the kids doing? They were amazeballs tonight, right?
Will Schuester: Yeah, they're good. Everyone's in the choir room, and they all want to thank you for helping out with the benefit and the hecklers and... Why were you in the janitor's closet with the door closed?
Holly Holliday: Okay, 'cause I'm a sub, and that's the office that Figgins gives me. Guess what? I just got offered a job to teach french in Cleveland. Isn't that great?
Will Schuester: Full time?
Holly Holliday: No. Who are you talking to? Four months, tops.
Will Schuester: Don't you have any feelings about leaving?
Holly Holliday: Didn't you listen to my song? I told you, Will. I live the glamorous life of a substitute teacher, and I'm deathly allergic to commitment. You knew that this was going to end this way.
Will Schuester: Yeah. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Holly Holliday: You're too nice for me. But you broke my record. Five dates.
Will Schuester: Are you counting that one we had in the janitor's closet yesterday?
Holly Holliday: That was my favorite one.
Will Schuester: Mine, too. You think you're ever gonna settle down?
Holly Holliday: Maybe. But not with you. You're in love with somebody else, and thanks to my counseling, she's available now. And by the way, she's totally into you, too.
Will Schuester: Holly? Will you come back and visit?
Holly Holliday: I thought you'd never ask.



Will Schuester: Sandy, what are you doing in here?
Sandy Ryerson: I tried to be a hater, but I just couldn't do it. That song and the weed I smoked immediately prior... it gave me a change of heart.
Artie Abrams: Mr. Ryerson offered to pay for our trip.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah!
Mike Chang: Bring it!
Sandy Ryerson: It's drug money, but you know, it's actually a fantastic way to launder it. Good-bye, William. I miss the arts, I really do. You just got poked. Poked by the dagger!
The Brainiacs: Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit!



Sue Sylvester: This is a disaster. Pink Dagger, not only did you fail to disrupt the night of neglect. You funded it in full. In fact, you were its only donor.
Sandy Ryerson: Aretha is my kryptonite.
Sue Sylvester: Sergeant Handsome, what do you have to say for yourself?
Dustin Goolsby: Hey, I did get them to break up. Who knew it was gonna be amicable, and sort of have nothing to do with me? I pulled Sunshine out of the benefit. Don't I get credit for that?
Sue Sylvester: No. In my hour of need, Honey Badger, I turn to you. Your time has come.



Rod Remington: Well, at the end of regulation, we're all tied up.
Artie Abrams: Excuse me, Mr. Remington? We would just like to say hi to our friends in Glee club. We love you guys.
Brittany S. Pierce: Love you.
Mike Chang: Love you.
Rod Remington: And now... The tie-breaker question. The category: "Hermaphrodite nazi sympathizers."
外部リンク
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 Life is a Song
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記載日

 2012年1月15日