Glee

Cassandra July: All right, kids; Show me what you got. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. Welcome to NYADA. This is Dance 101, my name's Cassandra July, and if you are not suffering from severe body dysmorphia, then you don't want it enough. Let's get this straight, freshmen: There's maybe two of you in this room that are good enough to make it in this business. As for the rest of you, thank you for paying my rent on my loft in SoHo. Hey. What's your name?

Lydia: Uh, Lydia.

Cassandra July: No, no, your name's Muffin Top, and from now on, it's rice cakes and ipecac. Or cut off a butt cheek, 'cause you need to drop a few. Hold it. I'm sorry. Did my conversation with Muffin Top offend you?

Rachel Berry: No.

Cassandra July: Hmm? What's your name?

Rachel Berry: Rachel.

Cassandra July: Little Miss... David Schwimmer?

Rachel Berry: Little Miss David Schwimmer.

Cassandra July: I bet you were a big star back in Iowa.

Rachel Berry: I'm actually from Ohio.

Cassandra July: Ohio. That's even worse. You ever look at a map? Ohio is like a giant turd that Michigan just can't pinch off. So did you come all the way to New York City to show me how to run my class?

Rachel Berry: No, I... I came to learn.

Cassandra July: Okay. Lesson number one: Your piqué turns are pathetic, and your stuck-up little attitude's really pissing me off. Music! All right, let's go! Energy in your fingers. Higher. Higher. Into the ground. Higher! Higher, higher! Come on!

Rachel Berry: I don't need any help.

Cassandra July: No, no, sweetie, I'm not coming down here to help you. I'm coming down here to give you a big New York City welcome. You suck.

Jacob Ben Israel: What's up, blogosphere? Jacob Ben Israel here, back on the street with an exclusive look at McKinley's newest celebrities, the New Directions! Artie Abrams, lunch room sources tell me you've been seen sitting with Cheerios!

Artie Abrams: Well, I'm usually sitting. But, yes, and I can tell you it is great to finally be popular. National champs, baby! Whoo!

Jacob Ben Israel: Sam Evans: from hobo stripper to glee club celebrity. How does it feel?

Sam Evans: Awesome, and about time.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I never thought I'd have a freshman for a personal assistant. This isn't organic.

Jacob Ben Israel: Wow. "C You Next Tina."

Girl: Do Taylor Lautner again.

Sam Evans: Bella, I love you. And I am a werewolf.

Jacob Ben Israel: Is it true you broke up with Mike Chang a week after tattooing "Mike Chang 4ever" on your hip because the long-distance thing was too hard?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Um... yeah. I still love him, and we're still friends, and I changed the tattoo to "Make Change 4ever." Change is good.

Jacob Ben Israel: They said Rachel Berry was the group's undisputed star, so, really, the only question is: Which one of you is the new Rachel?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Well...

Artie, Blaine, Brittany & Tina: I am.

Rachel Berry: It's nice to know I'm missed. New York can make a girl feel lonely. I miss my dads. I miss Finn. I haven't heard from him in two months. Maybe he's just trying to give me the space I need to make it on my own. Surrender, right? I'm sure that's it. My roommate seems nice. Well, I haven't officially met her. She's usually busy with company, but she sounds nice. I just wish Kurt had gotten into NYADA with me. The co-ed bathrooms take some getting used to. I got tired of everyone's opinion of my extensive nighttime ritual, so I started showering at 3:00 in the morning when no one else is around.

Brody Weston: # Sister Christian, oh, the time has come #
# And you know that you're the only one #
# To say okay #
# Where you goin'? #
# What you lookin' for? #
# Oh, those boys don't want to play #
# No more with you... #
# You're motoring #
# What's your price for flight? #
Hey. You're a freshman, right?

Rachel Berry: Yeah, I'm Rachel Berry. I'm majoring in musical theater.

Brody Weston: Me, too. Brody Weston. I'm a junior.

Rachel Berry: Hi.

Brody Weston: Well, you survived your first class with Cassie, so you must be good.

Rachel Berry: Is she, uh, always that awful?

Brody Weston: Yeah, she's tough. But I wouldn't have gotten that chorus gig in the revival of Working last summer if she didn't push me so hard.

Rachel Berry: You were on Broadway?

Brody Weston: Steel Worker Number Three. Show lasted for, like, three performances, but still... I like to come in here at night, too. People give me a hard time about my moisturizing ritual.

Rachel Berry: Me, too.

Brody Weston: We're actors, right? Our skin is like our paintbrush and our canvas.

Rachel Berry: Actually, I'm not really sleeping much, lately. Not a lot of city noise in Lima, Ohio. I just think everything takes a little getting used to, but... yeah.

Brody Weston: You'll be fine.

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Brody Weston: Just remember, you're here because you're the best of the best. Start believing that. Oh, and, in case you were wondering... which you were... I'm straight.

Kurt Hummel: So he was wearing a towel that was barely covering his tinkletube, and he's straight? Hot. Do you like him?

Rachel Berry: No, you know I'll always love Finn. Oh, and I love you, I miss you like crazy.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, is that why you're calling me every three hours?

Rachel Berry: Well, I just want to make sure that you're okay. I'm great, I love it here. My dance teacher worships me. But how are you? Are you okay?

Kurt Hummel: I'm keeping busy.

Rachel Berry: Where are you right now?

Kurt Hummel: I just passed Mrs. Hagberg's old classroom. Figured I'd stop by McKinley and meet their newest addition.

Sue Sylvester: Porcelain, this is my daughter Robin. I've loved the name ever since I was a little girl. It recalls hope, and springtime, and my favorite dead Bee Gee. Oh, she's the love of my life. And I'm so... so devoted to her. Kitty! Get in here.

Kitty: Yes, Coach Sylvester?

Sue Sylvester: I need you to change Robin's diaper, and then sing her a lullaby. Preferably something not yet butchered by the glee club. Good luck finding one. Porcelain, this is Kitty. Kitty is my new head bitch. She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic-depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair.

Kitty: Shouldn't you be in college or something? I thought gay people were all successful overachievers.

Kurt Hummel: I am a successful...

Sue Sylvester: Oh, don't pay attention to what Kitty thinks, Even if it's exactly what the rest of the world thinks. I'm actually very proud of you, Twinkletush. You're a real trailblazer. You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation, but you've proven that gay ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past.

Kurt Hummel: I'm not a sad sack, okay? My classes at Allen County Community College start next week...

Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry, I tuned out the moment you opened your mouth. Keep living the dream, Porcelain.

Will Schuester: Glee! We are coming off of a National Championship, but it's time to look forward, And thanks to Glee now being the coolest club in the school, Whoo!

Sugar Motta: Right on.

Will Schuester: This shouldn't be a problem.

Will Schuester: All right. Wow. Wow.

Will Schuester: Yes, we've lost some big voices. But we still have some huge ones in here. And I promise to do everything I can to replace the ones that we lost. And on that note, I'd like to introduce you to our newest member: The MVP of last year's nationals, Wade "Unique" Adams.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's a great haircut, Mercedes. I thought you graduated.

Wade Adams: I wanted to be somewhere where different was celebrated.

Will Schuester: We are so excited to have you. Guys... where's the love?

Blaine Anderson: I think Wade is great, but the competition to be the new Rachel is already so intense, the last thing that we need is one more contender.

Will Schuester: "The New Rachel"?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Every glee club needs a star performer. Rachel was that, and now that she's gone, many of us want the job.

Will Schuester: Okay, we don't win with stars. We win as a team. One that supports new members. Now, I don't want to hear any more of this... this "New Rachel" stuff, okay? Have a seat, Wade.

Wade Adams: Make no mistake: Unique will be the new Rachel.

Blaine Anderson: We decide this on our own, then... Thunderdome style. 5:00, in the auditorium.

Tina Cohen-Chang: So, here are the rules: We perform the song for Artie, he makes his choice, we go to Mr. Schue as a group, and we tell him who the new lead soloist is. Hopefully, it'll be me, 'cause that's what Rachel wanted.

Artie Abrams: Though I am uncomfortable doing this behind Mr. Schue's back, I am a director. Therefore, I never pass up on an opportunity to judge people.

Wade Adams: What song are we singing?

Tina Cohen-Chang: What Rachel would sing, if she were here. The song of the summer, "Call Me Maybe."

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you need time to prepare?

Wade Adams: I can sing any song, any time. Just press play, and get back.
# I threw a wish in a well #
# Don't ask me, I'll never tell #
# I looked to you as it fell #
# And now you're in my way #

Blaine Anderson: # I'd trade my soul for a wish #
# Pennies and dimes for a kiss #
# I wasn't looking for this #
# But now you're in my way #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Your stare was holding #
# Ripped jeans, skin was showing #
# Hot night, wind was blowing #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Where you think you're going, baby? #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Hey, I just met you #
# And this is crazy #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # It's hard to look right #
# At you baby #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #

Blaine & Wade: # Hey, I just met you #
# And this is crazy #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #

Tina & Brittany: # And all the other boys #
# Try to chase me #

Blaine, Brittany, Tina & Wade: # Well, here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Before you came into my life #
# I missed you so bad #
# I missed you so bad #
# I missed you so, so bad #

Tina & Wade: # Before you came into my life #
# I missed you so bad #
# And you should know that #
# I missed you so, so bad #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # It's hard to look right #

Blaine Anderson: # Hard to look right #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # At you baby #

Brittany S. Pierce: # At you baby #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # But here's my number #

Wade Adams: # So call me, maybe #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Hey, I just met you #
# And this is crazy #
# But here's my number #
# So call me, maybe #

Blaine Anderson: # Call me #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Before you came into my life #
# I missed you so bad #

Blaine Anderson: # So bad #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I missed you so bad #

Blaine Anderson: # So bad #

Brittany S. Pierce: # I missed you so, so bad #

Blaine, Brittany, Tina & Wade: # So call me, maybe? #

Blaine Anderson: So, Artie... who's the new Rachel?

Blaine Anderson: So, how's Santana?

Brittany S. Pierce: She's good; she's just really busy with cheerleading practice and it's hard making out over Skype. You can't really scissor a Webcam.

Kurt Hummel: Here's an extra hot soy latte for him and a no-chocolate for her.

Brittany S. Pierce: Merci.

Kurt Hummel: I can't wait till Friday.

Blaine Anderson: Why?

Kurt Hummel: Glee Club auditions.

Brittany S. Pierce: That sounds like fun.

Blaine Anderson: Pretty nice.

Kurt Hummel: Is it depressing that I'm more excited about it than either of you?

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.

Blaine Anderson: No, not at all.

Brittany S. Pierce: Just a little bit.

Blaine Anderson: No, it's...

Kitty: Excuse me. Garcon? My ice latte's too cold.

Kurt Hummel: It's an iced latte.

Kitty: It's an iced latte that's too cold. I'm gonna need you to make me a new one. Hello?

Allen: Hey, Kurt, you got to refill the biscotti Barrel every 15 minutes.

Kurt Hummel: Coming. I'll be right back with your latte.

Benjamin: Uh, Miss July?

Cassandra July: Yeah?

Benjamin: I, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but I can't be your TA this year. I start Wicked rehearsals tomorrow. I'm just playing a flying monkey, but still...

Cassandra July: Oh, stop it. Does it matter? It's your first Broadway show. You'll never forget it. I was 17, I was a dancing spoon.

Benjamin: Well, the casting director said it's the recommendation you gave me that really put me over the top, so thank you for everything. Oh!

Cassandra July: I'm so proud of you, Benjie.

Benjamin: Thank you. I should go. I have to get fitted for my monkey legs.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You had enough time, so who is it?

Artie Abrams: You can't rush the casting process. My genius needs it's dream time.

Marley Rose: You guys are the Glee Club, right? Hi. I'm gonna try out. I'm a sophomore. My name is Marley.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Okay, well, lots of competition, so good luck to you.

Wade Adams: Unique offers her greetings and salutations.

Sam Evans: Wade, you can't wear that makeup and stuff in here. You have to understand how this stuff works. It's like Game of Thrones.

Artie Abrams: Yeah, the peace between us and the truly popular kids is weak... winter is coming. It's not gonna take much for us to get smacked down to the bottom again.

Blaine Anderson: Maybe you should just save Unique for performances and be Wade the rest of the time, hmm?

Wade Adams: All right... I'll go take off my face.

Kitty: Hey, glee people.

Artie Abrams: Hey, Kitty.

Football Player: Hey, you guys see the new lunch lady? She's so fat, they took a picture of her last Christmas. Still printing.

Football Player: Hey, she has to wear a watch on both wrists because she covers two time zones.

Brittany S. Pierce: Maybe she has, like, a medical condition or she swallowed somebody with a medical condition.

Football Player: Right, Artie?

Artie Abrams: When she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

Football Player: Attaboy. Attaboy!

Marley Rose: Hey, you ready to go?

Mrs. Rose: Hey. I thought that you could wear this to your glee audition. Well, even if they think it's secondhand, the tag will say high-class secondhand. It's high school; It's all about being special. But... the right kind of special, not Goodwill clothes, daughter-of-the-lunch- lady special.

Marley Rose: You really think I have a chance of getting into Glee Club?

Mrs. Rose: You have magic in your throat, Marley. It's time to share it with the world. I'm going to drive the car a couple blocks away, and I will wait for you there. I don't want to risk anyone seeing you get in the car with me. Mm-wah!

Cassandra July: God almighty, Schwimmer, possible you're getting worse?

Rachel Berry: I've been practicing a lot. I've just had a little bit of a rough week.

Cassandra July: Aw, you tired? You lonely? You homesick? Well, you better decide how badly you want it 'cause this school is filled with people who will do whatever necessary to make it in this business.

Rachel Berry: Why are you picking on me?

Cassandra July: I'm not! I'm motivating you! What's your problem now?

Rachel Berry: There's just alcohol on your breath.

Cassandra July: It's Listerine. Let me tell you something. I may not be a wide-eyed ingenue anymore, but I can still dance circles around any of you. Music.
# I met a girl in East L.A. #
# In floral shorts as sweet as May #
# She sang in eights in two barrio chords #
# We fell in love, but not in court #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah, America #
# Mis canciones son de la revolución #
# Mi corazón me duele por mi generación #
# If you love me, we can marry on the West Coast #
# On a Wednesday en el verano en agosto #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again, ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America, Americano #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America #
# Americano #
# If this would be a perfect world #
# We'd be together then #
# Let's do it, do it, do it #
# Only got just one life, this I've learned #
# Who cares what they're gonna say? #
# Let's do it, do it, do it #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again #
# I want to dance and love #
# And dance again #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America #
# Americano #
# I want to dance # Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America, Americano #
# I want to dance #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# America, Americano #
# I want to dance #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
# America, Americano #
# I want to dance! #
You're not just on my list, Schwimmer, you are my list. Class dismissed.

Will Schuester: Okay, let's get started.

Kurt Hummel: Remember, guys, we're looking for superstars.

Stoner Brett: I'm Stoner Brett. This is Buster's "Gettin' Hot."
# This is gettin' hot, this is gettin' hot #
# Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind #
# Sipping on a 40 while I'm pushing on the dime #
# Feel the pain, the game #
# Yeah, Lil' Wayne, Lil' Wayne. #

De'wanda Umber: De'wanda Umber.

Blaine Anderson: Are there words to this?

Wade Adams: She gotta go.

Will Schuester: Hello, sir. What's your name?

Jake Puckerman: Jake.

Will Schuester: Got a last name, Jake?

Jake Puckerman: Uh, just Jake.

Will Schuester: Okay, well, show us what you got "Just Jake."

Jake Puckerman: # Some things we don't talk about #
# Rather do without #
# Just hold the smile... #

Sugar Motta: He's so sexy.

Sam Evans: No, he's not.

Wade Adams: Yes, he is.

Jake Puckerman: # Ashamed and proud of #
# Together all the while #
# You can never say never #
# While we don't know when #
# Time and time again #
# Younger now than we were before #
# Don't let me go... #
# Don't let me go #
# Don't let me go... #

Will Schuester: Okay, Jake. Thank you.

Jake Puckerman: # Don't... #
I don't get to finish?

Will Schuester: We got a lot of people to see.

Jake Puckerman: But I've been practicing.

Will Schuester: We've seen enough. Thank you.

Kurt Hummel: That's rude and unacceptable.

Will Schuester: Kurt, I'll handle this. Jake, come on, man, why don't you pick up the music stand?

Kurt Hummel: Next!

Carmen Tibideaux: Returning students, welcome back. New students, welcome to the round room. The acoustics are perfect and there are no corners. Which means there is nowhere to hide in here. First-year students will have the opportunity to sing publicly twice. The first time today, the Debut.

Brody Weston: Also known as the "Freshman reaping."

Carmen Tibideaux: The second, the Winter Showcase at the end of the semester... if you are invited. Shall we begin? Beatrice McClaine.

Beatrice McClaine: My name is Beatrice McClaine and I'll be singing "Ave Maria" written by Franz Schubert.
# Ave Maria... #

Carmen Tibideaux: I'm gonna stop you there. When I accepted you at NYADA, what did I tell you you needed to do? You needed to practice all summer long.

Beatrice McClaine: I did.

Carmen Tibideaux: You did not. I think you need to practice a little bit more and reapply in December.

Rachel Berry: Did she just get cut?

Brody Weston: It happens.

Carmen Tibideaux: Rachel Berry. Impress me.

Rachel Berry: Hi. I'm Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing "New York State of Mind,"

Marley Rose: written by Billy Joel.

Wade Adams: Popularized by one Miss...

Rachel Berry: Barbra Streisand.
# Some folks like to get away #
# For a holiday from the neighborhood #
# Hop a flight to Miami Beach #
# Or to Hollywood #
# Ooh #
# But I'm taking a Greyhound #
# On the Hudson River line #
# I'm in a New York state of mind #

Marley Rose: # Ooh #
# It was so easy #
# Living day by day #
# Out of touch #
# With the rhythm and the blues #
# But now I need #
# A little give-and-take #

Rachel Berry: # The New York Times #

Marley Rose: # The Daily News #

Rachel Berry: # Oh #
# It comes down to reality #
# And it's fine with me #
# 'Cause I let it slide #

Marley Rose: # Don't care if it's Chinatown #
# Or on Riverside #

Rachel Berry: # Ooh #
# I don't have any reasons #

Marley Rose: # I left them all behind #

Rachel Berry: # I'm in a New York state of #

Marley Rose: # Mind #

Rachel Berry: # Oh #

Marley Rose: # I'm just taking a Greyhound #

Rachel Berry: # On the Hudson River line... #

Marley Rose: # Line... #

Rachel Berry: # 'Cause I'm in... #

Marley Rose: # I'm in a New York... #

Marley & Rachel: # State... #
# Of... #
# Mind #
# Ooh #
# Oh #

Marley Rose: # New York #

Marley & Rachel: # State of mind. #

Carmen Tibideaux: Nice.

Will Schuester: Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Now, that's what I call star quality. What do you guys think?

Sugar Motta: Ten.

Blaine Anderson: She's good. She's good.

Blaine Anderson: What's this?

Kurt Hummel: I'm organizing all the sheet music. Artie, go around it, not over it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Thanks, Dottie. You're dismissed for the day. This is for you... and no, it's not a bribe, because we all know Rachel told me herself that I'm the new Rachel.

Wade Adams: MVP in the house.

Joseph Hart: Bro, I thought we agreed you'd only wear that stuff onstage.

Kurt Hummel: What's wrong with you guys? This club is about diversity and acceptance. Or at least it used to be. And another thing... since when did everyone become so obsessed with who's the biggest star?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Since day one... you and Rachel fought over solos for three years. No more stalling, Artie. Who's the new Rachel?

Sugar Motta: Yeah, who's it?

Brittany S. Pierce: Tell us.

Artie Abrams: After meticulous deliberation and an online poll, the new Rachel is... Blaine.

Brittany S. Pierce: How?

Artie Abrams: Brittany, you were a close second.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I came in third?

Artie Abrams: Let's not worry about third or fourth place.

Tina Cohen-Chang: And we don't need to talk about this, either.

Wade Adams: Why do you hate strong black women for?

Will Schuester: Guys, this young lady gave hands-down one of the best auditions I have ever seen. Let's give it up for our newest member, Marley Rose.

Blaine Anderson: Marley, on behalf of all of New Directions!, welcome.

Marley Rose: Thank you. I'm really excited to be here.

Sugar Motta: I really like your sweater. Where'd you get it?

Marley Rose: Oh. Thanks. Um, J.Crew.

Sugar Motta: Really?

Mrs. Rose: The only new member out of all those people?

Marley Rose: It wasn't that many. Okay, it was awesome! Hearing them cheer for me, accept me.

Mrs. Rose: And that Rachel Berry everybody talks about rode that glee club train right to Broadway.

Marley Rose: Well, I don't want to be on Broadway, though. I want to be a singer on the radio.

Mrs. Rose: Well, then let the glee club help you get there. For now, the important thing is you found someplace you belong.

Marley Rose: There's one problem. They were making fun of you.

Mrs. Rose: Well, they're teenagers.

Marley Rose: Just feels so weird lying about you. You're my mom.

Mrs. Rose: You remember what happened at the last school? You didn't have any friends. I won't let that happen again. This is your shot to sit at the popular kids' table. Don't blow it.

Kurt Hummel: Of course, I think you should be the lead soloist. But can I give you some advice? Even when Rachel was her most controlling, she still made sure everyone felt included.

Blaine Anderson: Okay. You have a point. Can I give you some advice? You can't be here anymore, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: I get it. I know. I'm pathetic.

Blaine Anderson: No, no, you're... you're not pathetic. It's just that you're... you're stuck. You don't belong here anymore. You belong in New York.

Kurt Hummel: And I'm reapplying for NYADA. But I can't just go to New York.

Blaine Anderson: You don't need NYADA. And believe me, I don't want to see you go, but I just can't stand to see you stay here. It's killing you. And that's killing me.

Kurt Hummel: What about us?

Blaine Anderson: In a year, I'll be there, too, but... right now is your time. You're ready.
# So this is what you meant #
# When you said that you were spent #
# And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit #
# Right to the top #
# Don't look back #
# Packing my bags #
# And giving the academy a rain check #
# I don't ever want to let you down #
# I don't ever want to leave this town #
# 'Cause after all #
# This city never sleeps at night #
# It's time to begin, isn't it? #
# I get a little bit bigger #
# But then I'll admit #
# I'm just the same as I was #
# Oh, don't you understand #
# I'm never changing who I am #
# This road never looked so lonely #
# This house doesn't burn down slowly #
# To ashes, to ashes #
# It's time to begin, isn't it? #
# I get a little bit bigger #
# But then I'll admit #
# I'm just the same as I was #
# Now don't you understand #
# I'm never changing who I am #
# It's time to begin, isn't it? #
# I get a little bit bigger #
# But then I'll admit #
# I'm just the same as I was #
# Don't you understand #
# I'm never changing who I am. #

Kurt Hummel: I'll miss you so much.

Blaine Anderson: Brittany, I'm sorry, but I won fair and square. You can't just decide not to sing anymore. We all need your voice.

Brittany S. Pierce: I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart, and pretty soon, the corpse of my dead heart song is going to start to smell.

Kitty: Okay, guys. Since we can't do a popularity homecoming float with all white people, I say I think we should do one with all white chrysanthemums.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's a good idea.

Football Player: We need a float, why don't we all just ride her?

Sugar Motta: Look at her boobs. It's like two grocery bags full of soup.

Marley Rose: That's really mean.

Kitty: Excuse me?

Marley Rose: You don't know her. You don't know what her life is like.

Kitty: So? Why do you care?

Marley Rose: Because she's my mom. I thought you guys were different.

Brody Weston: That your boyfriend?

Rachel Berry: Hey. Yeah, this is Finn. He's in the Army, so we really haven't been talking much lately.

Brody Weston: I had a girlfriend back home when I first started NYADA. Yeah, we lasted six weeks.

Rachel Berry: No, that's not gonna happen to us. I'm not gonna turn my back on him.

Brody Weston: Oh, nobody said you should. Anyway, I came to tell you that you killed it in Tibideaux's class. Nice job.

Rachel Berry: Thank you. You know, it's just, other than when I was singing that song, I've just really never felt as amazingly wrong as I do here. Just all alone. Kind of feel like I'm just gonna throw up all the time.

Brody Weston: Well, it's just because you're becoming a different person. That's why you came to New York. To be that new and improved girl. Here, let me see your phone. We're gonna take a picture.

Rachel Berry: Let me see.

Brody Weston: You look good. Don't fight the new you. Because from what I've seen, she is gonna kick some serious tail. And start adding new memories to the old ones. Walk you to class?

Cassandra July: What's the problem, people? You've been here a week. You should be dancing at, like, Black Swan levels of psychosis right now. You, Miss Schwimmer. Show me your piqué. Okay, give me another one. Center yourself this time. Better, slightly. You gonna roll your eyes at me now?

Rachel Berry: No. And I'm gonna keep getting better till I'm the best you've ever seen.

Cassandra July: Oh, you're mouthy. And you got guts. Good, I like it. I like that spirit in my students. 'Cause it'll make it more fun for me when I'm making your every waking moment a hell on earth. So boring.

Burt Hummel: All right. As soon as you find a place to live, I'll ship you the rest of your stuff. And you'll get enough cash from selling your car to get you through at least two weeks in a motel. And the emergency credit card, which is only for what?

Kurt Hummel: Emergencies. Dad, this is silly. I don't have to be in New York to reapply for NYADA. So I can find a job that pays me the same amount as Lima Bean, but pay ten times more in rent?

Burt Hummel: Yeah, because it's an adventure. Look, all great artists need a little struggle in their lives. Didn't you tell me that Julia Roberts sold shoes in New York before she made it? Good enough for Pretty Woman, good enough for Kurt Hummel. Scared?

Kurt Hummel: Terrified.

Burt Hummel: New York is gonna be a breeze compared to Lima. Think about all the crap you've been putting up with the last couple years. You know the difference between this place and New York?

Kurt Hummel: Decent bagels?

Burt Hummel: New York is filled with people like you. People who aren't afraid to be different. You're gonna feel at home there. If you're not scared, just means you're not sticking out your neck far enough.

Kurt Hummel: You truly are the world's greatest dad.

Burt Hummel: I know. It's written on the coffee mug you got me for Father's Day. Now, get out of here. You're gonna miss your flight.

Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna miss you, Dad.

Burt Hummel: You can always come back. But you won't.

Kurt Hummel: I love you.

Burt Hummel: I love you, too, Kurt.

Sam Evans: Hey, Marley, um, just wanted to apologize for all of us and beg you not to quit. Look, I get you. Like, for instance, I know that that sweater is from Walmart and your mom sewed the J.Crew label into it.

Marley Rose: How do you know that?

Sam Evans: Because my mom used to do the same thing for me. The best thing about Glee Club is it's not about labels. If you can sing, if you can dance, you belong. And, dude, you can sing.

Marley Rose: I don't know. You say that, but the way you were making fun of my mom, something doesn't feel right.

Artie Abrams: We came to apologize.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I think being popular felt a little too good, and we forgot ourselves.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, I didn't. I was always popular, but I do forget to wear underwear sometimes, though.

Blaine Anderson: The best part about Glee Club is that everyone gets to be a star. Which is why we're all hoping that you could come to rehearsal with us this afternoon and maybe sing lead vocal on one of the songs we're working on.

Wade Adams: And if words don't convince you, let the majesty and mystery of Unique's fabulousness be enough! I mean it. Glee Club's a special place. I mean, where else could I dress like this and be welcomed with open arms?

Marley Rose: Okay, one last thing. I don't think I'm comfortable sitting with that cheerleader and those guys at lunch.

Kitty: That won't be a problem. We could handle Gimpy and the Tarantula Head and Richie Poor, because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire and Mike and Molly's daughter as part of our crew.

Blaine Anderson: Well, I guess we're not in your crew anymore.

Kitty: You know, I was kind of hoping you'd say that.

Football Player: And with that, order is restored.

Artie Abrams: Well, looks like you guys have been officially welcomed to the Glee Club.

Wade Adams: Unique's eyes... they are on fire!

Blaine Anderson: Let's get you guys cleaned up and go to rehearsal.

Jake Puckerman: You wanted to see me?

Will Schuester: Yes, I wanted to talk to you about your audition.

Jake Puckerman: Do you have any idea how hard I worked on that song? I was up for three nights getting it right, and you didn't even let me finish.

Will Schuester: Glee Club performs in front of hundreds of people. Some of them might boo you. You gonna throw a mic stand at them?

Jake Puckerman: So I'm angry. I got a right to be. You don't know me. You don't know my life.

Will Schuester: I know your brother, Jake. Puckerman.

Jake Puckerman: Half-brother. Our dad's like an NBA player. There could be 50 other Puckermans running around Ohio.

Will Schuester: No one ever mentioned anything about having a brother.

Jake Puckerman: He doesn't know. I get it. Now that you know I'm related to your boy, I'm good enough for your stupid club?

Will Schuester: No. When I saw you were related to him, I realized how much good Glee Club did him. Made me want to take a chance on you. But you've got to get that chip off your shoulder. And I interrupted your audition because I knew after the first verse that I wanted you in this club. You're really good, Jake.

Jake Puckerman: You think I'm good?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Jake Puckerman: No. I'm not changing. I like this chip on my shoulder and I'm not losing it to sing for you. I'm not my brother.

Marley Rose: # I've made up my mind #
# Don't need to think it over #
# If I'm wrong, I am right #
# Don't need to look no further #
# This ain't lust #
# I know #
# This is love #
# But if I tell the world #
# I'll never say enough #
# 'Cause it was not said to you #
# And that's exactly what I need to do #
# If I end up with you #
# Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere #

New Directions: # Nowhere #

Marley Rose: # Or would it be a waste #
# Even if I knew my place #
# Should I leave it there? #
# Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere #
# Yeah #
# Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere #
# Or would it be a waste #

New Directions: # Would it be a waste #

Marley Rose: # Even if I knew my place #

New Directions: # If I knew my place #

Marley Rose: # Should I leave it there? #

New Directions: # Should I leave it there? #

Kurt Hummel: What's wrong? You sound sad.

Rachel Berry: I lied. I'm not okay.

Marley Rose: # Should I just keep on #

New Directions: # Chasing #

Marley Rose: # Chasing... #

Rachel Berry: I miss you, and I miss everything.

Marley Rose: # Should I just #

New Directions: # Keep on #
# Chasing pavements? #

Marley Rose: # Chasing pavements? #
# Oh... #

New Directions: # Should I give up #
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #

Marley Rose: # Pavements... #

Rachel Berry: My dance teacher's a monster, and I can't even go to my dorm room, because my roommate is sleeping with the entire school.

Kurt Hummel: Why don't you move out and find a new roommate?

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: Turn around.

New Directions: # Should I give up #

Marley Rose: # Or should I just keep chasing pavements? #
# Even if it leads nowhere. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Rachel's in New York, and her new friend Brody is way hot, but Finn's still M.I.A, and her dance teacher Cassandra totally hates her guts. Thank God Kurt showed up, so now they can be classic New York roommates and shop for shoes and stuff. There's a new girl in Glee Club named Marley, and she could be the next big thing. So could this kid Jake, and it turns out he's Puck's half brother and Puck totally doesn't know about him. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Brittany S. Pierce: My name is Brittany S. Pierce, and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole, because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome, and now I get to relive every minute of it. I'm head Cheerio!, vice-Rachel of the glee club, and now I'm planning a Middle East style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.

Blaine Anderson: Brittany, who are you talking to?

Brittany S. Pierce: I thought I was doing a voice-over.

Blaine Anderson: Okay.

Brittany S. Pierce: It was kind of a rough summer. I really miss Santana, but... for now, all I have to say is... It's Brittany, bitch.

Brittany S. Pierce: # Hey #
# Over there #
# Please forgive me #
# If I'm coming on too strong #
# Hate to stare #
# But you're winning #
# And they're playing my favorite song #
# So, come here #
# A little closer #
# Wanna whisper in your ear #
# Make it clear #
# Little question #
# Wanna know #
# Just how you feel #
# If I said my heart #
# Was beating loud #
# If we could escape the crowd somehow #
# If I said I want your body now #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# 'Cause you feel #
# Like paradise #
# And I need a vacation tonight #
# So if I said I want your body now #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# If I said I want your body #
# Would you hold it against me? #
# Give me something good #
# Don't want to wait, I want it now #

Cheerios: # N-N-Now, now #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Pop it like a hood #
# And show me how you work it out #

Cheerios: # If I said my heart was beating loud #
# If I said I want your body now #

Brittany S. Pierce: # Would you hold it against me? #
# If I said my heart was beating loud #
# Would you hold it against me? #

Sue Sylvester: Well, that was just garbage. Garbage wrapped in skin. Brittany, my office... now!

Sue Sylvester: Brittany, I'm afraid it's time for a little tough love. I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C-plus. Now, your performance, very same exam, unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade... F-minus. You answered every question with "see other side," where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled "Happyville." "The town where math was never invented."

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, that's me, and that's Santana, and that's Kurt and Rachel in Heaven. And, look, that's you.

Sue Sylvester: Brittany, You're a terrible role model for the Cheerios! Last year, I was lost in a haze of pregnancy hormones, and I allowed your record breaking GPA to slide. The Cheerios grade point average has dropped three full points. My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal, and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's 'cause I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.

Sue Sylvester: Brittany, You're off the Cheerios! I'm giving the top spot to Kitty. I'm afraid you're going to have to lose the high pony.

Brittany S. Pierce: Tough love feels a lot like "mean."

Santana Lopez: Britt, I'm so sorry Sue was so mean to you. I wish I was there to make it all better.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, me too. Do you think we could scissor-Skype later?

Santana Lopez: I've got cheer practice every night till midnight, until homecoming. Look, I love you, Britt, but I'm so late. I got to go, okay? I'll text you if we get a break.

Brittany S. Pierce: Okay. Have fun.

Santana Lopez: Okay, bye.

Brittany S. Pierce: Bye. I'm not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.

Cassandra July: The tango. You have to have it in your arsenal, people. The first thing you need to understand is it's all about sex. When you are dancing the tango with someone, you're seducing them. Partner up. We're gonna start with abrazo, the embrace. Not you, Schwimmer. Keep practicing those jazz hands back in the corner.

Rachel Berry: Wait... but I... Ms. July... I'm sorry, um... if I'm ever gonna play Evita, I'm gonna have to learn how to tango.

Cassandra July: We're short a boy, so a girl needs to sit out. And you don't have enough sex appeal to pull off a credible tango. You're awkward and tentative in your body, and you move like you're ashamed of it. Arms up! Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Brittany S. Pierce: Sorry I'm late. Someone stole my compass. I can't wear my Cheerios! uniform anymore, so I got this outfit in the lost and found.

Will Schuester: Take a seat, Britt.

Brittany S. Pierce: Am I getting kicked off the glee club, too?

Will Schuester: Of course not. We're just really concerned about you.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Um... Brittany, you know you've had some setbacks lately, and, um, it looks like you might be feeling a little bit blue.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's okay. I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.

Will Schuester: Brittany, I-I think you and Emma should meet daily for a while. I think you've underestimated the impact being held back has had on you.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, thanks, But I don't really have any time. After school, I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon, and then watching The Client List marathon. And with that, I said good-bye, and swooped out the doorway, my voice-over continuing down the hallway.

Will Schuester: Okay, what was that?

Emma Pillsbury: You know, everything's been taken away from her. She doesn't have anything to hold onto. Clearly, she's lost her identity. We need to bring Brittany back.

Will Schuester: Great news, guys. Principal Figgins has asked us to perform at the annual back-to-school pep rally this week. Now, I understand our National Champion street cred has dropped a little bit since school started, but this is our chance to really wow them and get it back.

Joseph Hart: What are we gonna perform?

Will Schuester: Good question. We're a family in here, and when one of our family is falling down, it's up to us to get together to pick them back up.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, my God. Are we doing Britney Week again?

Will Schuester: You really came into your own during the last Britney Week. You showed us the best of Britney. Youth, energy, confidence. She inspires you, and you inspire us. So everyone prepare a Britney song for the week, and we're gonna pick one to do for the pep rally. And I've asked Blaine and Artie to give us a little taste of what we're looking for.

Blaine Anderson: This one's for you, Brittany.

Artie Abrams: # You don't understand #
# I'm so glad we're at the same place at the same time #

Blaine Anderson: # It's over now, I spotted you dancin' #
# You made all the boys stare #
# Those lips and your brown eyes #

Artie Abrams: # Ooh #

Blaine Anderson: # And the sexy hair #
# I should shake my thang #
# Make the world want you #
# Tell your girls you'll be back #
# I want to see what you can do #

Blaine & Artie: # What would it take #
# For you to just leave with me? #
# Not trying to sound conceited #
# Me and you were meant to be #
# You're a sexy girl #
# I'm a nice guy #
# Let's turn this dance floor #
# Into our own little nasty world #

Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #

Artie Abrams: # Sometimes a girl just needs one #

Blaine Anderson: # Keep you on my arm, girl #

Artie Abrams: # To love her and to hold #

Blaine Anderson: # I can be a gentleman #

Artie Abrams: # And when a girl is with one #

Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #

Artie Abrams: # Then she's in control #

Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #
# So give me a chance #
# 'Cause you're all I need, girl #

Blaine & Artie: # Spend a week with your boy #
# I'll be calling you my girlfriend #

Artie Abrams: # If I was your man #

Blaine Anderson: # If I was your man #

Artie Abrams: # I'd never leave you, girl #
# I just want to love and treat you right #

Blaine Anderson: # If I was your boyfriend #

Blaine & Artie: # Na na na #
# Na na na #

Blaine Anderson: # Yeah, if I was your boyfriend #

Blaine & Artie: # Na na na, na na na #
# Na na #
# Hey #
# Na na na, na na na #
# Girls #
# If I was your boyfriend #

Blaine Anderson: # Can't live with 'em #

Artie Abrams: # Can't live without 'em. #

Artie Abrams: So, Britt, what'd you think?

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm once again inspired by the awesomeness of Britney. Thanks, Mr. Schue.

Rachel Berry: This place is enormous!

Kurt Hummel: God, for 1,800 bucks a month, we could get a shoebox in Manhattan or this hangar in Bushwick.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, but what's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? It looks a little shady.

Kurt Hummel: Ah, it's better than Detroit and Damascus. So what do you think? Should we take it?

Rachel Berry: Are you crazy? Living here with you instead of those dorms? It's heaven! Oh, New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's.

Kurt Hummel: It's the water.

Rachel Berry: So have you heard from Finn at all?

Kurt Hummel: Not since you asked me yesterday. He's just giving you your space.

Rachel Berry: I know.

Kurt Hummel: You want to feel nostalgic?

Rachel Berry: Mmm.

Kurt Hummel: Blaine said they're doing Britney Spears again in Glee Club.

Rachel Berry: Oh, my God. It feels like such a long time ago since we've been in the choir room.

Kurt Hummel: We are living in the future, Rachel. Speaking of which, my plan.

Rachel Berry: Okay.

Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna re-audition for second semester in NYADA.

Rachel Berry: Good.

Kurt Hummel: In the meantime, I've applied for a job at the only place I feel will truly appreciate my sense of style and Vogue.com.

Rachel Berry: Perfect.

Kurt Hummel: I know it sounds crazy, But in a way I'm almost glad I didn't make it my first try. You know, I've really learned a lot about myself over the last couple months. I feel like I have a-a newfound resilience and focus.

Rachel Berry: I could really use some of that right now. My dance teacher, she just won't let up on me. The other day, she told me I wasn't sexy enough.

Kurt Hummel: Maybe you shouldn't wear a bra to your next class.

Rachel Berry: And take all of the attention away from the Ms. Cassie July? She'd flip. I can't stand her.

Kurt Hummel: Cassie July is your dance teacher? As in, the Cassie July, aka Crazy July, aka the biggest train wreck in Broadway history?

Rachel Berry: What?

Kurt Hummel: You don't know her story? Cassie July was the "It" girl ten years ago. She scored the coveted role of temptress Lola in a high-profile revival of Damn Yankees. Then, during the first preview of the out-of-town tryout,

Cassandra July: Stop... stop. Stop the music! Whose cell phone is that? I'm not going on until this rude person leaves. This performance is over until you leave! All right. Come here, old man. You want it? You want your phone? Yeah!

Rachel Berry: No wonder she's always just so angry.

Kurt Hummel: You can't give in to her. Not ever. You have to keep fighting. If she wants sexy, give her sexy.

Wade Adams: So, here's the deal. We're both new girls here, and new girls need to stick together.

Marley Rose: Cool.

Wade Adams: First orders of business, boys. Who've you got your eye on?

Marley Rose: Jake's kind of cute.

Wade Adams: Oh, honey, no. Bad seed.

Marley Rose: Come on. He's an artist.

Wade Adams: You mean pick-up artist. Marley, everywhere you go in this school, you see wreckage of girls' hearts who thought the same thing as you. And he's only been in this school for two weeks! He's even been known to troll the girls' gym class. Uh-uh. Let me be clear: he's a womanizer.
# Superstar, where you from? How's it going? #
# I know you got a clue what you're doing #
# You can play brand-new to all the other chicks out here #
# But I know what you are #
# What you are #
# Baby #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Look at you #
# Gettin' more than just a re-up #
# Baby, you got all the puppets with their strings up #
# Faking like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em #
# I know what you are, what you are, baby #

Wade Adams: # Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer #
# Oh, womanizer, Oh, you're a womanizer, baby #
# You, you, you are, You, you, you are #
# Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# Womanizer #

Tina & Wade: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
# Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Wade Adams: # You got me going #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Wade Adams: # You're oh so charming #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Wade Adams: # But I can't do it #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Wade Adams: # You Womanizer #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #

Wade Adams: # I know who you are... #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are-are-are #
# You #

Wade Adams: # You say I'm crazy #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Wade Adams: # I got your crazy #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You... you #

Wade Adams: # You're nothing but a womanizer #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Maybe if we both lived in a different world #

Wade Adams: # Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# No #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # It would be all good and maybe I could be your girl #

Wade Adams: # But I can't, 'cause we don't, you! #
# Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer #
# Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby #

Marley Rose: # You, you-you are, you, you-you are #
# Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer #
# Womanizer #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #
# I-I know just-just what you are are-are #

Marley Rose: # Don't try #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #

Wade Adams: # I know #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #

Marley Rose: # Don't you try #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #

Wade Adams: # You are #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Marley Rose: # You got me going #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Marley Rose: # You're oh so charming #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Marley Rose: # But I can't do it #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Marley Rose: # You womanizer #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #

Wade Adams: # I know just who you are #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #

Marley Rose: # Don't try to front #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Boy, don't try to front #

Wade Adams: # Whoa, whoa #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # I-I know just-just what you are are-are #

Wade Adams: # You are #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Marley Rose: # You say I'm crazy #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Wade Adams: # I got your crazy #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Marley Rose: # You're nothing but a #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You #

Wade Adams: # Womanizer #

Marley Rose: # Yeah #

Jake Puckerman: We should hang out sometime.

Marley Rose: Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Wade Adams: Girl... uh-uh.

Brody Weston: 94... 95, 96, 97...

Rachel Berry: Hey, Brody! Hey!

Brody Weston: Hey, Rachel. 200,000. Hey, I miss seeing you in the showers.

Rachel Berry: I kind of need to ask you a favor.

Brody Weston: Okay.

Rachel Berry: So, Cassie said that I, uh, wasn't sexy.

Brody Weston: You're crazy sexy.

Rachel Berry: No, I'm not, but I'd really love it if you would dance with me. 'Cause there aren't enough, you know, guys in my class.

Brody Weston: Cassie doesn't allow upperclassmen to perform in her class. She would have a fit.

Rachel Berry: Got it. Got it. Sorry.

Brody Weston: Which is why it would be so much fun to do it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three, not only you and me, got 180 degrees #
# And I'm caught in between #
# Countin' one, two, three, Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P, everybody loves counting #
# Everybody loves counting #
# Three is a charm, two is not the same #
# I don't see the harm, so are you game? #
# Let's make a team, make 'em say my name #
# Love in the extreme #
# Now are you game? #

Joseph Hart: # Are you in? #

Joseph & Tina: # Living in sin is the new thing #

Joseph Hart: # Are you in? #

Joseph & Tina: # I am counting #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three, not only you and me #
# Got 180 degrees, and I'm caught in between #
# Counting one, two, three, Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting #

Sam Evans: # What we do is innocent #
# Just for fun and nothing meant #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # If you don't like the company #
# Let's just do it, you and me #

Joseph & Tina: # Or three #

Tina, Sam & Joseph: # Or four #

Sam Evans: # On the floor #

Joseph Hart: # On the floor #

Sam Evans: # On the floor #

Joseph Hart: # On the floor #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # On the floor #

Sam Evans: # On the floor #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # One, two, three not only you and me #
# Got 180 degrees, and I'm caught in between #
# Counting one, two, three #
# Peter, Paul and Mary #
# Getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting, one, two, three #
# Peter, Paul and Mary, getting down with 3P #
# Everybody loves counting... #

Will Schuester: Brittany, what are you doing?!

Brittany S. Pierce: Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony. If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.

Will Schuester: No!

Jacob Ben Israel: Brittany S. Pierce, what do you say to reports you've gone off the rails?

Brittany S. Pierce: Leave me alone, JBI!

Jacob Ben Israel: What's going on in your head right now?

Brittany S. Pierce: Leave me alone, JBI!

Jacob Ben Israel: What are you thinking?

Brittany S. Pierce: There's no comment! Leave me alone!

Jacob Ben Israel: I'm getting this.

Blaine Anderson: Should we do something?

Tina Cohen-Chang: No, he deserves it.

Blaine Anderson: About Brittany's downward spiral, I think the whole singing-at-her thing isn't really helping.

Artie Abrams: Probably what she misses most about Cheerios is being in the spotlight. We should give her that.

Boy: Leave her alone! Leave Brittany alone!

Will Schuester: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No scootering in the hallway. And Mr. McCarthy's physiology class is the other direction.

Jake Puckerman: I'm protesting that class on religious grounds. They make you dissect a pig, and I'm kosher.

Will Schuester: What about English and algebra and gym? I looked at your file. Seems like you're not attending them, either.

Jake Puckerman: Why are you on my back? I'm not one of your students. I'm not in Glee Club.

Will Schuester: And that was my mistake.

Jake Puckerman: No, thanks. I'm not looking to change.

Will Schuester: Your brother was a train wreck, worse than you. But even at his worst, he had a community. He had friends.

Jake Puckerman: I don't need friends.

Marley Rose: I almost didn't come. The other girls told me I was crazy for even bothering.

Jake Puckerman: You really think they're right?

Marley Rose: I think you're a guy who got hurt. And I think the hair and the guitar and the jacket are all walls for that.

Jake Puckerman: You think too much.

Marley Rose: At all my other schools, I was picked on. I tried so hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be. Just made it worse. For the first time at this school, I feel like I can just... be.

Jake Puckerman: Glee Club is so lame. What does Shyster have you guys singing?

Marley Rose: It's Britney Spears week.

Jake Puckerman: Yeah, see, I prefer music that uses actual instruments.

Marley Rose: Well, you haven't heard my version yet.

Jake Puckerman: What song is it?

Marley Rose: You Drive Me Crazy.

Jake Puckerman: I know I do.

Marley Rose: # Baby, I'm so into you #
# You got that something, what can I do? #
# Baby, you spin me around #
# The earth is moving, but I can't feel the ground #

Jake Puckerman: # Oh, that kind of lovin' #
# Turns a man to a slave #
# Oh, that kind of lovin' #
# Sends a man right to his grave #

Jake & Marley: # You know I'm crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
# Crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #

Jake Puckerman: # Tell me you're so into me #
# That I'm the only one you will see, yeah #

Marley Rose: # Tell me I'm not in the blue #

Jake Puckerman: # Oh-oh #

Marley Rose: # That I'm not wastin' my feelings on you #

Jake Puckerman: # Every time I look at you #

Jake & Marley: # My heart is jumping, what can I do? #
# You drive me crazy #

Marley Rose: # I just can't sleep #

Jake Puckerman: # Crazy #

Jake & Marley: # Crazy, I'm in too deep #
# You know I'm crazy #

Marley Rose: # But it feels all right #

Jake Puckerman: # Crazy #

Jake & Marley: # Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night #
# You know I'm crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #
# Crazy, crazy #
# Crazy for you, baby #

Jake Puckerman: You okay?

Marley Rose: Yeah, just got cold up here.

Jake Puckerman: Here.

Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki, why is everybody in the glee club staring at me?

Kiki: Because those fools are jealous.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Who's Kiki?

Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki is Siri's super smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the Laundromat.

Sam Evans: What size coffee is that?

Brittany S. Pierce: Kiki, what size coffee am I drinking?

Kiki: You're drinking a settanta; 70 ounces of espresso.

Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you, Kiki. You're the only one that I can trust now that Santana's too busy for me.

Joseph Hart: Brittany, we're worried about you.

Blaine Anderson: We know how hard it must have felt to get kicked off the Cheerios! We want to help you get back on your feet and start performing again.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You should be the lead performer at the pep assembly on Friday.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's great, but there's only one problem. I have to lip-sync.

Blaine Anderson: We don't lip-sync in Glee.

Brittany S. Pierce: Well, my voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.

Artie Abrams: This sounds like a terrible idea.

Brittany S. Pierce: We'll record the song in advance. I'll choreograph an amazing routine without having to worry about anybody running out of breath, and Mr. Schuester will never know the difference. Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart, James Earl Jones. Kiki, is it a good idea for me to lip-sync at the pep assembly?

Kiki: It's not a good idea. It's a great idea. Can I get you another settanta?

Cassandra July: You're late. And dressed like a Walgreen's underwear model. What are you doing here, Brody?

Rachel Berry: I asked Brody to come in and help me with a little routine.

Cassandra July: And you just love helping people, don't you? Especially the ing駭ues.

Rachel Berry: And the reason why I'm dressed all Bob Fosse-chic is because I wanted to show you that I do have what it takes to be sexy. Sexy enough to play Evita, Roxie and Charity.

Cassandra July: Show me what you've prepared.

Rachel Berry: Some of the dancers are gonna help out, as well. Lights.
# I think I did it again #
# I made you believe #
# We're more than just friends #
# Oh, baby, it might seem like a crush #
# But it doesn't mean that I'm serious #
# 'Cause to lose all my senses #
# That is just so typically me #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# You see, my problem is this #
# I'm dreaming away #
# Wishing that heroes, they truly exist #
# I cry, watching the days #
# Can't you see I'm a fool #
# In so many ways #
# Oops, I did it again #
# I played with your heart #
# Got lost in the game #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Oops, you think I'm in love #
# That I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
# Oops, I did it again to your heart #
# Got lost in this game, oh, baby #
# Oops, you think that I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
# Oops, I did it again #
# I played with your heart #
# Got lost in the game #
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Oops, you think I'm in love #
# That I'm sent from above #
# I'm not that innocent #
So what do you think, Ms. July? Am I ready to learn the tango?

Cassandra July: Look, you can memorize a routine; so what?

Brody Weston: Rachel was incredible.

Cassandra July: You were incredible; she was okay. And that song? Garbage. Whose idea was that? You want truth? Fine. Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek. Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.

Rachel Berry: You're just jealous of me. Of all of us.

Brody Weston: Rachel, don't.

Rachel Berry: No, because we have Our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We're the future, and you're just some YouTube joke.

Cassandra July: You're done. Get out of my class. Get out of my class! Out!

Football Player: Is that all I get, Jumbo? Why so stingy?

Football Player: They must let you eat all those leftovers, huh?

Marley Rose: Quit it. That's my mom.

Football Player: Whoa! You came out of that?

Football Player: Were you an only child or do you have a twin who's still in there? Dude, imagine the size of her dumps.

Jake Puckerman: Enough. Say you're sorry, to both of them. You know what? Screw it.

Will Schuester: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on, tough guy! You're coming with me.

Will Schuester: In.

Jake Puckerman: This is garbage. Those guys suck and I'm the one being dragged to see Figgins?

Will Schuester: I'm not taking you to see Figgins.

Noah Puckerman: He's taking you to see me.

Will Schuester: Jake Puckerman, I'd like to introduce you to your brother, Noah. I'll leave you two alone.

Jake Puckerman: You look more like Dad than I do.

Noah Puckerman: He never told me about you when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom and dad arguing about a baby and some slut waitress.

Jake Puckerman: That would be my mom. Schuester called you to come and straighten me out. You're wasting your time; I'm fine. And you are not my brother.

Noah Puckerman: You think you're a badass? Nailing a bunch of chicks, beating up some punks in the cafeteria? I'm the original badass. I had my first threesome at seven, and once, I beat up a police horse.

Jake Puckerman: So what, are you gonna kick my ass if I don't get myself together?

Noah Puckerman: I know what it feels like to be scared that you're not important or smart or worth anything. We had the same dad, bro. I know what it feels like to spend all day trying to prove something to someone who's never going to give two craps about you. I rode my motorcycle, I played my axe, I banged every chick in this place twice, and you know what, none of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen. Them and Mr. Schue made me a man. And if you come in here, it'll make you one, too. Think about it for a couple days. I got to get back to L.A. I got a date with the chick who was third runner-up on The Bachelor. One thing. Whether you join Glee Club or not, you're my brother.

Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Shh. Welcome, children, to McKinley High's annual fall assembly, where we gather to celebrate teen pep. Before we begin, a few announcements. First and foremost, I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue. And now, without further ado, it's time for a performance of music to be enjoyed by all.

Blaine Anderson: Brittany, shouldn't you be stretching or warming up or something?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you need a baby wipe? You have Cheeto hands and Cheeto mouth.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm fine, thank you.

Principal Figgins: It is my honor to introduce McKinley High's New Directions!

Brittany S. Pierce: It's Britney, bitch.
# I see you #
# And I just wanna dance with you #
# Every time they turn the lights down #
# Just wanna go that extra mile for you #
# You got my display of affection #
# Feels like no one else in the room but you #
# We can get down like there's no one around #
# We keep on rocking, we keep on rocking #
# Oh, are you? #
# Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing #
# They keep watching, they keep watching #
# Feels like the crowd is saying #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more #
# Gimme, gimme more, gimme more #

Kitty: They're lip-syncing!

Stoner Brett: J'accuse!

Brittany S. Pierce: # I just can't #
# Control myself #
# They want more? #
# Well, I'll give them more #

Will Schuester: In the 58-year history of the William McKinley High School Glee Club, there has never been such a debacle! We do not lip-sync ever!

Blaine Anderson: We're sorry, Mr. Schue. We were just trying to help Brittany out...

Will Schuester: Lip-syncing is the equivalent of blood doping in professional sports! Every gain we've made in the last three years has been wiped out. And I'm not just talking about our reputation here at McKinley. If the National Show Choir Board of Review gets wind of this, we could be barred from competing. What do you have to say for yourself, Brittany?

Brittany S. Pierce: To quote the legend herself, "If I met me, I would say a quick hello and then think I was a really nice girl." And I resign from Glee Club, effective immediately.

Cassandra July: I'm working.

Rachel Berry: I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. All those things that I said to you, they were completely wrong and-and out of line. I felt like you were picking on me for no reason.

Cassandra July: Stop... talking. Look... you lost it and you lashed out, same as I did ten years ago. Except, all it took for you to snap was a little honest feedback in... excuse me... dance class. And you expect to make it on Broadway? Where all there is is scrutiny and judgment?

Rachel Berry: I'm really sorry...

Cassandra July: And what if someone taped Your little outburst and then posted it on the Internet? You'd never get cast. You have one chance. You screw it up, you're done. You're that crazy actress. And why would anybody want to work with you?

Rachel Berry: Because you're good.

Cassandra July: I was great. But it doesn't make a difference, because I wasn't ready for the pressure. Believe me, it's a whole lot more vicious out there than it is in here. That's why I pick on my students. I want them to be ready.

Rachel Berry: Well, I-I know that I'm not there yet.

Cassandra July: Not even close. And if I had my choice, I wouldn't let you back in my class. I don't believe in second chances. I know they don't exist. Unfortunately for me, school policy says you get a warning.

Rachel Berry: So...

Cassandra July: So you're in, and on probation and dance belt duty. Hand-washed, all of them. You're dismissed, Schwimmer. Don't forget the hamper on your way out.

Brittany S. Pierce: Four, five, six, seven... I got your note to come meet you here. Thanks for drawing the map.

Sam Evans: Yeah, I always keep it in my pocket in case someone steals my compass. Look, I know what you're up to. The lip-syncing, beating up Jacob Ben Israel. You're intentionally hitting rock bottom.

Brittany S. Pierce: So I can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney. I mean, look at her. She got paid $14 million to be on X Factor. She looks great. She has an amazing perfume you can smell from miles away. No matter what happened to her, she just came back stronger.

Sam Evans: Right. Consider this the last stop on the Train Wreck Express... an intervention.

Brittany S. Pierce: Thank you. I'm so ready to come back. I'm just so sad that everybody's so mad at me.

Sam Evans: I just think they didn't understand what you were up to.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah. But you did.

Sam Evans: I think we just think the same.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, it's probably because we're both blonde.

Sam Evans: You okay? You still seem kind of bummed.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. Santana would have understood. And then she would have used mean words against anyone who got down on me.

Sam Evans: You miss her, huh?

Brittany S. Pierce: I just miss, like, the little things, like her laugh and the smell of her armpits. Yes, we had interesting lady sex, but she was also my best friend.

Sam Evans: Well, now you have a new friend, and he's blond. I'm talking about me. Now you just got to figure out a way to get back on the Cheerios!

Brittany S. Pierce: It's all part of the comeback.

Brittany S. Pierce: I am here to inform you of your legal requirement to restore my high pony and put me back on the Cheerios!

Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?

Brittany S. Pierce: I studied the McKinley High Student Council Charter, and it says that the senior class president continues his term until he or she graduates, which... I never graduated, so, technically, I'm still president. I drafted an executive order demanding that Brittany S. Pierce be reinstated as a member in good standing of the McKinley High Cheerios!

Sue Sylvester: Brittany, take a seat. This is clearly the plan of an idiot. But a plan nonetheless, and one that required the barest modicum of human logic which, frankly, I thought was beyond you. If you want to be back on the Cheerios!, I want you to graduate by the end of the year. And that means you're going to have to turn those grades around.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm already working on that. Mr. Schuester eventually realized that my lip-syncing was a cry for help and wanted to step up and take action. He and Miss Pillsbury are spending one afternoon a week tutoring me.

Brittany S. Pierce: Barack Obama.

Will Schuester: Um-hmm.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. Glenn Close.

Will Schuester: Oh, good effort, Britt. Baby steps.

Brittany S. Pierce: I got a C-minus on my U.S. History exam, which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.

Sue Sylvester: Brittany, welcome back.

Brittany S. Pierce: Meep-zorp flurm-gloob.

Rachel Berry: What do you think? Am I being too obvious?

Kurt Hummel: He hasn't called you because he loves you, not because he's forgotten about you. Your freedom is a gift he's given you... accept it.

Rachel Berry: I know. It's just so much freedom all at once that it's starting to feel like severe loneliness.

Kurt Hummel: The only cure to loneliness is cake. There's a great Italian bakery down the street.

Rachel Berry: You don't mind going out at night?

Kurt Hummel: Oh, no, it's cool. I guess if I just, you know, walk around like a crazy person yelling at things and twitching, people will keep their distance. Well, hello there, kind sir.

Brody Weston: Hey. Uh, I'm Brody.

Kurt Hummel: I'm Kurt.

Rachel Berry: Hi.

Kurt Hummel: I was just going to go get some cake. Uh... I'll leave you two alone.

Rachel Berry: Sorry.

Brody Weston: Wow. This is huge.

Rachel Berry: Yeah.

Brody Weston: Too bad it took me 45 minutes on the train to get here. I've lived here for three years, and I didn't even know there was a "J" train.

Rachel Berry: Wait, you took the train for 45 minutes just to come and see me?

Brody Weston: Yep. Sandwiched between some guy who said he was Jesus and two German tourists who were very lost. But I came here to give you this orchid. Apparently, it's good luck in a new place. And they're kind of sexy... for a plant.

Rachel Berry: Thank you.

Brody Weston: Oh, and I, uh... I wanted to tell you something that didn't feel appropriate over text.

Rachel Berry: What?

Brody Weston: That I... I really liked dancing with you. And I think that you... I think that you're really sexy. And...

Rachel Berry: Oh... I can't. I think you are amazing and-and-and... very, very, very sexy. I just...

Brody Weston: You're still in love with your boyfriend. Here's the thing... I... I will respect your boundaries, but just know that when we're together, whatever we're talking about, whatever we're doing, I'm thinking of kissing you. Enjoy the orchid.

Jake Puckerman: Uh, you think I could sit next to you in Glee Club? I don't know anybody else.

Marley Rose: So you're going to join? I didn't realize I had that powerful of an effect on you.

Jake Puckerman: It wasn't you. Well, it-it helped. I just... I don't know. I get these feelings sometimes to punch someone or steal a cop car or kiss someone, and I hear Glee Club might help them go away. Even though it totally sucks balls.

Marley Rose: I promise, it's not that bad. Just stick with me, and I'll help you get through it.

Jake Puckerman: It's nice to have a friend looking out for me.

Marley Rose: Well, I owe you for what you did for my mom. Oh, I just realized I'm still wearing your jacket.

Jake Puckerman: Looks pretty good on you.

Kitty: I bet it looks better on me. We're dating now. Didn't Jake tell you?

Marley Rose: No, he didn't.

Jake Puckerman: Well, uh, it's not really my style to put a label on things.

Marley Rose: You two make a great couple. Bye.

Will Schuester: All right. Okay, let's give a big New Directions! welcome to Jake Puckerman.

Sam Evans: Hey, dude. Uh, me and your bro were practically best friends. Is it weird that I know him a lot better than you?

Joseph Hart: Welcome, bro. God made you, and God doesn't make mistakes.

Marley Rose: Mr. Schuester.

Will Schuester: Yeah, Marley.

Marley Rose: If it's all right, I'd like to sing one last Britney song.

Artie Abrams: Did that come out this morning? 'Cause we've scraped the bottom of that Britney barrel.

Marley Rose: Not exactly. This is one of my favorites songs.
# Notice me #
# Take my hand #
# Why are we #
# Strangers when #
# Our love is strong? #
# Why carry on without me? #
# Every time I try to fly I fall #
# Without my wings I feel so small #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# And every time I see you in my dreams #
# I see your face, you're haunting me #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# I may have made it rain #
# Please forgive me #
# My weakness caused you pain #
# And this song's my sorry #
# At night I pray #
# That soon your face #
# Will fade away #
# And every time I try to fly I fall #
# Without my wings I feel so small #
# I guess I need you, baby #
# And every time I see you in my dreams #
# I see your face, you're haunting me #
# I guess I need you, baby. #