Glee - Season 2 Episodes 18-22

218. Born This Way

放送日:2011年4月26日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: The Glee club's getting ready for Nationals, and Quinn's getting ready to be prom queen.
Quinn Fabray: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It's the ultimate status symbol.
Ian Brennan: Kurt had to leave McKinley because Karofsky threatened him...
Sue Sylvester: I can't expel a kid for shoving. He'll just say, "I didn't mean to shove that kid. I tripped." Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.
Ian Brennan: But at least he's got Blaine and the Warblers, who just lost at Regionals to the New Directions!
Blaine Anderson: We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?
Ian Brennan: Santana's got it bad for Brittany...
Brittany S. Pierce: This relationship is really confusing for me.
Santana Lopez: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then what is it?
Ian Brennan: Will's sort of always had it bad for Emma, but lately she's gotten super crazy with the cleaning fruit and stuff.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm not following.
Ian Brennan: Like, seriously crazy.
Will Schuester: One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. Nationals are just a few weeks away, and it's time to bear down. Now, your singing at Regionals was amazing, but your dancing... It's booty camp time.
Artie Abrams: Booty!
Will Schuester: So let's get it going. Five, six, seven, eight. Push yourselves, guys. Vocal Adrenaline takes no prisoners.
Finn Hudson: Oh! I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Rachel Berry: I'm bleeding.
Will Schuester: Let's get you to a doctor.



Rachel Berry: My dad's will be here in 15 minutes. You don't have to stay, Finn.
Finn Hudson: No, I want to wait and hear what the doctor says. I feel terrible.
Rachel Berry: Won't Quinn be mad at you sitting vigil at my bedside?
Finn Hudson: Well, I'm standing, and-and she'd understand how awful I feel even if it's not broken.
Plastic Surgeon: It's broken.
Finn Hudson: Well, I knew I was a bad dancer, but I never thought my dancing was dangerous.
Plastic Surgeon: It's a clean break, so I-I won't have to set it. Considering your deviated septum, I'd consider this a terrific opportunity for a little vanity adjustment.
Rachel Berry: Are you suggesting that I get a nose job?
Plastic Surgeon: You're 16, right? That's when I gave my daughters theirs. It's like a right of passage for Jewish girls.
Rachel Berry: First of all, I like how I look.
Plastic Surgeon: She your girlfriend?
Finn Hudson: No.
Plastic Surgeon: What does your girlfriend look like?
Rachel Berry: Okay, and second of all, I don't want to do anything that's going to affect my voice. My Broadway career depends on it.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, we got a big show choir competition coming up, and Rachel's kind of our best singer.
Plastic Surgeon: Doesn't impact the voice. That's just a myth. The fact is, opening up that septum might allow you to take in more air per breath, which means bigger belts on you high notes.
Rachel Berry: But Barbra...
Plastic Surgeon: Is great. She's also one in a million. The fact is, if you really want to be an actress, you might want to consider looking and sounding the best that you can. I got an appointment open next week. Can I sign you up?



Quinn Fabray: Oh my God, you're getting a nose job.
Rachel Berry: I'm considering having a minor procedure to repair my deviated septum.
Santana Lopez: So, a nose job.
Rachel Berry: Look, I'm... I'm happy with the way that I look, okay? And I've embraced my nose. But let's say I wanted to have a slightly more demure nose. Like Quinn's, for example. I-I would never change my appearance for vanity, but, I mean, the doctor said that it could possibly improve my talent, which would help us all for Nationals.
Will Schuester: Possibly? What about the risks? Your voice is amazing as is, Rachel.
Santana Lopez: Hold up. Could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel's got a bit of a schnoz. I mean, I wouldn't know because, like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things that we wouldn't change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure that Sam's been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways. And I'm definitely sure that Tina's looked into getting an eye de-slanting.
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's extraordinarily racist.
Santana Lopez: I'm keepin' it real.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Sorry, Santana. I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself, and I would never change a thing.
Mike Chang: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hating Asian.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Not many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to be in fashion and mirror what I see in the magazines.
Finn Hudson: My dancing kind of bothers me. Uh, it almost killed Rachel, but I like the way I look.
Santana Lopez: Oh, please. You have weird, puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they're filled with custard, or you could dust them with powdered sugar and they could pass for some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel's fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is that if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.
Will Schuester: Whoa, guys. I'm really shocked at what I'm hearing here. It goes against everything the Glee club stands for. I'm telling you, the thing you would most like to change about yourself is the most interesting part of you.
Mercedes Jones: Well, maybe, but at this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing people use to crush your spirit.



Will Schuester: Rachel's a beautiful girl. She doesn't need a nose job. Saying that she's doing it to enrich her talent is just a convenient excuse to deal with the fact that she's insecure about how she looks.
Emma Pillsbury: Most of the adults we know have trouble embracing their eccentricities, so how can we expect kids to?
Will Schuester: Well, then, it should be our job to help them. I don't want my legacy as a teacher to be conjugated verbs and Glee Club trophies. I want to help them love themselves for who they are, warts and all— Especially warts. How long do we have to do this for?
Emma Pillsbury: Until they're all clean.
Will Schuester: I mean, I'm really enjoying helping you with your OCD.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you know what? I really don't like that term, really. It sounds way too scientific and serious. I really prefer "neat freak" or "cleanybug." But, Will, I really have to tell you, I'm so appreciative of all your help. Really, I have so much more free time now that there are four hands polishing all of my fruit.
Will Schuester: I'm really glad... but shouldn't we be figuring out some techniques you can use to eat your food without scrubbing it?
Emma Pillsbury: You mean with germs and pesticides all over it?
Will Schuester: No, I mean, really deal with your issues on this stuff.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, I've tried, you know, and I... I may not have been born this way, but this is my lot in life. There's nothing I can do about it.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Emma Pillsbury: What for?
Will Schuester: I know how I'm going to get the kids to accept what their differences are— By using their two favorite teachers: Me and Gaga... but I'm going to need your help.



Santana Lopez: I should be prom queen at this school. If I were prom queen, I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen. She's so gullible, I could convince her that by royal decree, I'd made her being with me the law of the land. That's never going to happen. I don't have the votes. Unless I could get the jock block.
Sam Evans: Jack Ryan, you've just boarded the Red October. Sean Connery.
Santana Lopez: And God knows Sam doesn't have the heat at this school yet. Hold on, there's someone at this school who just might have the juice... Dave Karofsky. Holy crap. I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing: I have awesome gaydar.



Mercedes Jones: You haven't asked us anything about our New York trip.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Is it because it's too painful?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, as a matter of fact, but while the New Directions are preparing to perform at Nationals, the Warblers are preparing to perform at a nursing home in a strip mall next to a National Bank. But I'm so proud of you guys.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We miss you so much.
Mercedes Jones: Isn't there any way you could come back to McKinley?
Blaine Anderson: I told him, I would be all for it if it wasn't for Karofsky.
Santana Lopez: Wait, what did you just say?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt needs to be safe.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, can we please change subject?
Blaine Anderson: I'm just saying...
Santana Lopez: That's it. Kurt's the trick to winning prom queen and getting Britt, not to mention totally boosting our chances at Nationals. If I could get Kurt back, I'd be a hero. Even Quinn and Finn would vote for me. And the key? Karofsky. I've got to gay— Go. Go— I've got to go.



Finn Hudson: Um, why is Ms. Pillsbury here?
Will Schuester: She's helping us out with this week's assignment. Now, this is the only club at school that is represented by just about every race, religion, sexual orientation and clique, but many of you are still having a hard time with acceptance.
Mercedes Jones: That's crazy, Mr. Schue. We love each other.
Will Schuester: No, I won't deny that you accept each other, but you don't accept yourselves. This week's assignment has two parts. I want all of you to sing songs about accepting yourself for who you are— The best and the worst parts.
Rachel Berry: What's the second part?
Will Schuester: Well, we're going to do a group number by the queen of self-love— Gaga.
New Directions: Yeah!
Will Schuester: We're going to perform her anthem to acceptance— "Born This Way."
New Directions: Yes!
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, I still don't know why Ms. Pillsbury is here.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm here to help you with your costumes for the big number. Each of you will be issued a beautifully fitted white T-shirt. We will then use this letter press... to write a word or a phrase that best describes the thing about you that you're the most ashamed of or you'd like to change but you can't because you were born that way, which is super terrific.
Will Schuester: I want you to love those parts of you, you know, embrace them, wear them on your chest with pride.
Mike Chang: Can you give an example?
Will Schuester: Yeah. It's the big moment. Wow, Emma, I thought the whole purpose of you doing this was to write...
Emma Pillsbury: Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, I can get a sunburn indoors at night, and according to recent legend, I have no soul, but I'm here to say that this very curse is what makes me unique. Children, I claim my gingerhood before you today. I was born this way. Hooray. Hooray! Hooray!



Noah Puckerman: Those crowns are a crock. You know what I found out? Not real jewels.
Lauren Zizes: A crown hasn't rested on my head since I won Miss Tiara Toddler Allen County.
Noah Puckerman: Are you serious?
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, three years in a row. I dominated in Western Wear and Runway, but my real talent was baby pull-ups.



Audience: 31! 32! 33!



Lauren Zizes: I was on my way to becoming Miss Ohio. That is, until the shoddy Zizes thyroid kicked in as well as a love of chips, and suddenly I was denied entry into the pageant circuit. They said I no longer looked the part. My dreams were dashed. There's our future queen... a size-two teenage dream.
Noah Puckerman: You know what? We're going to change that.
Lauren Zizes: How?
Noah Puckerman: Baby, you're going to get that crown, and I'm gonna be your king.



Rachel Berry: Thanks for doing this.
Quinn Fabray: I'm surprised more girls haven't asked me. My nose is awesome. I can totally count on your vote, right?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. To... totally. So, what's it like? Looking like you look?
Quinn Fabray: I pretty much have a warped sense of the world. Being a hot 17-year-old, you can get away with or do anything you want, so I kind of always assume that people are always nice and accommodating.
Plastic Surgeon: Okay. So, we, uh, ready to pull the trigger?
Rachel Berry: No, not... not quite yet. Um, I was kind of hoping that I could get an idea of what I might look like after the procedure. Um, this is my friend Quinn.
Plastic Surgeon: Nice nose.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you.
Plastic Surgeon: Very nice.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, Rachel wants it.
Plastic Surgeon: No problem. So I'll click some pics, make up some photo composites. We'll be ready to rock and roll.
Quinn Fabray: # I wish I could tie you up in my shoes #
# Make you feel unpretty, too #
# I was told I was beautiful #
# But what does that mean to you? #
# Look into the mirror #
# Who's inside there? #
# The one with the long hair #
# Same old me again today #
Rachel Berry: # My outsides are cool #
# My insides are blue #
# Every time I think I'm through #
# It's because of you #
# I've tried different ways #
# But it's all the same #
# At the end of the day #
# I have myself to blame #
# I'm just trippin' #
Quinn & Rachel: # You can buy your hair if it won't grow #
Quinn Fabray: # You can fix your nose if you say so #
Quinn & Rachel: # You can buy all the makeup that MAC can make #
# But if #
# You can't look inside you #
Quinn Fabray: # Find out who am I to #
Quinn & Rachel: # Be in a position to make me feel so #
Rachel Berry: # Damn unpretty #
Quinn Fabray: # I feel pretty #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, so pretty #
Quinn & Rachel: # I feel pretty and witty and bright #
Quinn Fabray: # And I pity #
Rachel Berry: # Any girl who isn't me tonight #
Quinn Fabray: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Tonight #
Quinn Fabray: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # I feel pretty #
Quinn Fabray: # You can buy your hair if it won't grow #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, so pretty #
Quinn Fabray: # You can fix your nose if you say so #
Rachel Berry: # I feel pretty and witty #
Quinn Fabray: # You can buy all the makeup #
Rachel Berry: # And bright #
Quinn Fabray: # That MAC can make, but if #
Quinn & Rachel: # You can't look inside you #
Quinn Fabray: # Find out who am I to #
Quinn & Rachel: # Be in a position to make me feel so #
Rachel Berry: # Damn unpretty #
Quinn Fabray: # I feel pretty #
Quinn & Rachel: # But unpretty. #
Will Schuester: Beautiful job, ladies.



Woman: She's got my vote.
Woman: She's such an inspiration.
Woman: It's nice to see someone like me on a poster for a change.
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, hey. I'm running for prom queen.
Quinn Fabray: As a joke, right?
Lauren Zizes: Does it look like I'm joking?
Quinn Fabray: Well, when your name appears on that ballot, the whole school's going to think it's a laugh riot, and you may just get enough votes to win.
Lauren Zizes: That's sort of the idea.
Quinn Fabray: And as everybody snickers as they try to squeeze that tiara onto your head, somebody's going to spill pig's blood on you, or something like that, and you'll become more of an outcast than you already are.
Lauren Zizes: Okay. I don't know exactly what your problem is, but you best bring it, Fabray. Because I'm hot as hell, I keep it real, and the people at this school want a prom queen who's like them.
Quinn Fabray: No, they want a prom queen who's somebody they'd like to be.
Lauren Zizes: Look. Not everybody can be born pretty like you. But just so you know, who you are inside and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world— They're two different people.
Quinn Fabray: You don't know anything about me, Lauren. Anything. But you know what? You're about to. Because it just got personal.



Dave Karofsky: I knew you'd ask me out eventually. I'm kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.
Santana Lopez: Give it up. I know.
Dave Karofsky: Know what?
Santana Lopez: That you're gay.
Dave Karofsky: What? Who told you that?
Santana Lopez: No one had to tell me. First of all, I saw you checking out Sam's ass the other day. You know, you really need to be more careful with your leering.
Dave Karofsky: I didn't. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.
Santana Lopez: Like that's any less gay. Second of all, I know about you and Kurt. Remember last week before the benefit? About you being worried about "the truth" getting out. Guess what. It's out.
Dave Karofsky: Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me. I'm going to kick their asses.
Santana Lopez: Okay, you know what? Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you. You're what we call a "late in life gay." You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some page, and you know what? I accept that about you.
Dave Karofsky: Why are you doing this?
Santana Lopez: Because I need you, and you need me. We play on the same team.
Dave Karofsky: You're...
Santana Lopez: Look, I'm not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top yet, either. Maybe in junior college.
Dave Karofsky: This is garbage. I'm not gay.
Santana Lopez: I'm trying to help you out here. Have you ever heard of the term "beards?" It's when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they're gay. Like the Roosevelts. So you and I are going to be each other's beards, and then we're going to win prom king and queen and rule the school.
Dave Karofsky: And what if I say no?
Santana Lopez: Then I'm going to tell everyone about you, and your life will be over. The only straight I am is straight-up bitch. You in or not?



Finn Hudson: What you're doing is terrible.
Quinn Fabray: I have a nice nose. Rachel asked me for help, and I'm giving it to her. And once again, we are fighting about Rachel.I'm your girlfriend.
Finn Hudson: Look, this isn't about who's my girlfriend. Mr. Schue is trying to get us to accept ourselves for who we are, and you're helping Rachel do the exact opposite. That's not cool.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, maybe I'm not down with this week's lesson.
Finn Hudson: I love this lesson.



Finn Hudson: # Whether I'm right #
# Or whether I'm wrong #
# Whether I find a place in this world or never belong #
# I gotta be me #
# I gotta be me #
# The dream that I see makes me what I am #
# That far-away prize #
# A world of success #
# Is waiting for me if I heed the call #
# I won't settle down #
# Won't settle for less #
# As long as there's a chance that I can have it all #
# I'll go it alone #
# That's how it must be #
# I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me #
# I gotta be free #
# I've gotta be free #
# Daring to try, to do it or die #
# I've gotta be me #
# That far-away prize #
# A world of success #
# Is waiting for me if I heed the call #
# I won't settle down #
# Won't settle for less #
# As long as there's a chance #
# That I can have it all #
# I'll go it alone #
# That's how it must be #
# I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me #
# I gotta be free #
# I just gotta be free #
# Daring to try, to do it or die #
# I gotta #
# Be me. #
Will Schuester: All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid to point out something they're really bad at.
Finn Hudson: But I'm getting better, right?
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester? May I have the floor, please?
Will Schuester: It's yours.
Rachel Berry: So, as all of you know, I've had a few consultations with a doctor who specializes in rhinoplasty.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yes, we know. That's all any of us have been talking about. And we think it's a terrible idea.
Rachel Berry: Okay. Blue eyes, you're such a hypocrite.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I admit, yes, I don't like my eyes sometimes— The shape, the color— But your self-hatred, Rachel, has helped me see the light.
Rachel Berry: I love myself.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Not enough, clearly. When you get a nose job, when you change your eyes, when you bleach your freckles, you're just announcing to the world, "I don't like myself very much." The drams of this week have made me realize, if I don't have many Asian sex symbols to look up to, I have an obligation to maybe become one myself. My new mantra is "Be the change you want to see in the world."
Mike Chang: I love you so much right now.
Rachel Berry: Uh...
Will Schuester: Okay, okay, okay.
Rachel Berry: Okay, uh... Besides Tina's abrupt personal transformation, the compositions came back from the doctor, showing what my nose would look like slightly altered, and I have to say, I'm really happy with the results. They're less Hebraic, and more Fabrayic.
Will Schuester: That doesn't really look like you.
Noah Puckerman: Every year, girls show up to my temple after their 16th birthday, looking suddenly slightly different. And you know what? Even though it's easier to make out with them without getting constantly stabbed in the eye, they're not as hot.
Rachel Berry: Well, this isn't about being hot. It's about conquering your destiny, and finding something in yourself that you want to change and change it. Plus, they said that it could improve my voice, so... Look, if you guys aren't willing to support my decision, then I'm pretty accustomed to making it on my own.
Finn Hudson: Rachel, please don't do this. You're beautiful.
Rachel Berry: This isn't a discussion. I have made up my mind. Rachel Berry is getting a nose job.



Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: How's the assignment going?
Will Schuester: Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh.
Will Schuester: The word you put on your T-shirt.
Emma Pillsbury: Ginger?
Will Schuester: Right. I was a little disappointed. You and I both know you should have put OCD on it.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I don't think it's appropriate to talk about such personal things with them. Really, those kids have to trust me. I'm supposed to be a role model.
Will Schuester: And you're not being one. We're trying to teach these kids to... to accept themselves, and you refuse to.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, you know I wasn't born this way. It all started when I was five.
Will Schuester: And you never had any anxiety before that?
Emma Pillsbury: I understand I was a very colicky baby. I mean, I remember getting kicked out of preschool because I was having panic attacks when they made us use manila paper, but...
Will Schuester: You have a severe anxiety disorder, Emma. All of us just humor it because you function so well, and you're so cute about it, but it's really keeping you from enjoying your life.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, fine. Do you know what? If you want me to wear a shirt that says "Batty" or "Loon" on it, I will. Totally fine. So what if I like my fruit free of contaminants? Isn't that healthy?
Will Schuester: You know what I want? I want you to have lunch with me.
Emma Pillsbury: Is that unwashed fruit?
Will Schuester: Yep. Here. Have a blueberry.
Emma Pillsbury: Ugh!
Will Schuester: Come on.
Emma Pillsbury: Uh-uh. No. Stop. This isn't funny.
Will Schuester: I'm just trying to help you get better. I think accepting the fact that you have a problem is the first step.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, what? And you think torturing me with unwashed fruit's going to make me take that step?
Will Schuester: You know what I think, Emma? I think you are an expert at deflection.
Emma Pillsbury: Is that a new shirt?
Will Schuester: And I think you work so hard at helping other people— Counseling them— So that you can avoid doing the hard, painful work on yourself.



Principal Figgins: Okay, listen, I'm all... That's all I'm asking for. Let me finish. Excuse me. Quiet!
Lauren Zizes: No.
Principal Figgins: Quiet, okay?
Finn Hudson: We don't care what he has to say.
Principal Figgins: Shh. Now, I know David has had some issues in the past, but I have great respect for what he's doing right now, and I ask you to hear him out. Thank you.
Sam Evans: How about we punch his face?
Mercedes Jones: Right.
Will Schuester: Okay, that's enough, guys.
Principal Figgins: Excuse me.
Will Schuester: Everyone listen up.
Dave Karofsky: First, I just want to say how sorry I am for what I did to Kurt and for what I've done to a lot of you. I think I've slushied every one of you. I treated Kurt the worst, and I'm really ashamed of who I am and what I did.
Noah Puckerman: Why should we believe you?
Dave Karofsky: You don't have to. I know I'll need to earn your trust. All I can say is that Santana has really helped me to see the light. She showed me all these stories online about kids jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves because they were being bullied so bad. I couldn't believe someone could make another person feel that awful, but she helped me accept that I was one of those bad people, and I don't want to be anymore.
Quinn Fabray: Wait. Santana?
Santana Lopez: This Glee Club is not complete. Not without Kurt. So I've taken it upon myself to try to rehabilitate Dave to see if maybe Kurt would consider coming back and help us win nationals. I did this for us, and then something funny happened. Something... called love.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm going to barf.
Dave Karofsky: I want Kurt to feel safe to come back, which is why Santana and I have started a new club— The Bully Whips.
Santana Lopez: The name was my idea. We're going to be like guardian angels.
Principal Figgins: I have deputized David and Santana and the rest of their club to roam the halls, identifying bullying and stopping it in its tracks.



Azimio Adams: I'm saying I want the pants, okay? The ones you have on right now.
Stoner Brett: Then, what will I wear for the rest of the day?
Azimio Adams: That's a YP— Your problem, not an MP— My problem.
Dave Karofsky: Hey, Z, back off.
Azimio Adams: Say what? What is this? Berets?
Santana Lopez: Everyone deserves a safe school environment. Don't pick on this kid. It's not cool, and we won't allow it anymore.



Dave Karofsky: I'm planning on reaching out to Kurt personally, through Principal Figgins, to try to make amends. This is a chance to really change this place. I hope you can support us.



Burt Hummel: You know, you talk a great game, but all I'm hearing is talk, and talk isn't going to keep Kurt safe.
Principal Figgins: But the anti-bullying club that David started will. The fact is, since the club began enforcing the no-bullying rule, we haven't had one incident.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, and if I took all the water out of the ocean, it wouldn't be wet anymore. The bullying stopped because your top offender stopped.
Paul Karofsky: Mr. Hummel. Can I call you Burt?
Burt Hummel: Of course.
Paul Karofsky: You remember how understanding I was about this when it all began. I didn't come to David's defense. I believed your son. That's because the David I was seeing was not the young man I knew. The boy I raised was a Cub Scout. He was kind, he was a good citizen. I still don't know what was going through his mind when all this bullying stared, but I can tell you that the David I'm seeing now is my son, back again. This... this is real.
Burt Hummel: Do you have any idea how much stress this has caused my family? My son having to leave his friends. My wife and I spending money we don't have on private school 'cause of your son.
Paul Karofsky: Burt, were you always so accepting of homosexuals? We're the same age. I remember what we used to say about the gays when we were younger. Now, it's taken us a long time to figure out what's right. Why can't you just allow David the couple months that it's taken him to figure it out?
Burt Hummel: Because he said he's going to kill my son!
Dave Karofsky: I never actually meant that, though. It's just a figure of speech.
Burt Hummel: How's he supposed to know what?
Will Schuester: Your words still matter, David.
Dave Karofsky: I know. You have to believe how awful I feel about them. Those ones, especially. That's not me. Not anymore.
Will Schuester: What do you think, Kurt?
Kurt Hummel: I believe he realizes what he did was wrong.
Burt Hummel: You're only saying that because you want to be back in this school so bad.
Kurt Hummel: Can Dave and I speak for a moment alone? You can wait right outside in the hall.
Will Schuester: Let's go. Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: What's your angle here?
Dave Karofsky: I'm just trying to make things right.
Kurt Hummel: David, I know, remember? And I haven't told anyone.
Dave Karofsky: Why? It would have made your life a lot easier.
Kurt Hummel: I don't believe in denying who you are, but I don't believe in outing, either. But still, you owe me the truth. What's going on here?
Dave Karofsky: It was Santana's idea. She wants to be prom queen, so she figures, if we can get you back, we'll get everyone to vote for us.
Kurt Hummel: I'm both repulsed and impressed by her Lady Macbethian ways. Hmm. A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you're going to be gay, you simply must know who that is.
Dave Karofsky: Look, I don't know for sure I am gay, okay? Stop being such a broken record.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, I have several options here. I could tell everyone the truth about you...
Dave Karofsky: Dude, I said I'm sorry. You said you wouldn't do that!
Kurt Hummel: Hold on. Or I can return here and marvel with pride at your new anti-bullying movement, which I fully believe in, and further demand that you and I start a chapter of PFLAG here at William McKinley. Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. You need to be educated, David. You may not have to come out, but you need to be educated.
Dave Karofsky: Oh, man, just kill me now.
Burt Hummel: Just keep an eye on your brother.
Finn Hudson: One step ahead of you.



Rachel Berry: You can't be in here, Noah.
Noah Puckerman: It's cool. I checked through the peep hole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going.
Rachel Berry: What can I help you with today?
Noah Puckerman: I just want to talk to you, one hot Jew to another.
Rachel Berry: Oh, God. Look, it's my nose, okay? I am tired of the lectures.
Noah Puckerman: Hear me out. Why are you getting Quinn's nose? If you want to breathe better, why don't you have him give you Karl Malden's nose? Your nose has been passed down from generation to generation as a birthright. It's a sign of the survival of our people.
Rachel Berry: This has nothing to do with our religion.
Noah Puckerman: I need one hour of your time tomorrow. Just one hour. Give me that, and I'll never bug you again.



Noah Puckerman: What the hell is going on?
Mercedes Jones: Well, my fellow Glee Clubbers, it's noon, which means... it's official.
Sam Evans: What's official?
Kurt Hummel: My transfer! Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hi.
Kurt Hummel: Let me breathe! Let me breathe! Let's get ready for Nationals.
Mercedes Jones: Not yet. See, there's a reason we're meeting here today. There's some people that wanted to say good-bye to you, Kurt.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, Dalton's going to miss you. You were a great addition to the Warblers, and you made us a better team. I'm sad to see you go, but we all know this is something that you really want. And I'll still have you after school and on the weekends, but these guys won't, so they wanted to say good-bye.
Wesley Montgomery: And thank you, Kurt.
Blaine Anderson: # I walked across an empty land #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # I knew the pathway like the back of my hand #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # I felt the earth beneath my feet #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Sat by the river and it made me complete #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? #
# I'm getting old and I need something to rely on #
# So tell me when you're gonna let me in #
# I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin #
# And if you have a minute why don't we go #
# Talk about it somewhere only we know? #
# This could be the end #
# Of everything #
# So why don't we go #
# Somewhere only we know? #
# Somewhere only we know #
The Warblers: # Somewhere only #
# We know #
# If you have a minute #
Blaine Anderson: # Ooh... oh-oh... #
The Warblers: # Why don't we go #
# Talk about it #
Blaine Anderson: # Ah... oh #
The Warblers: # Somewhere only we know? #
Blaine Anderson: # This could be the end of everything #
# So why don't we go #
# Somewhere only we know? #
# Somewhere only we know #
# Somewhere only we know. #
Kurt Hummel: I'm never saying good-bye to you.
Mercedes Jones: Hey.
Santana Lopez: Hi.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey.
Santana Lopez: No crying, no crying. We love you.



Kurt Hummel: # I don't know why I'm frightened #
# I know my way around here #
# The cardboard trees #
# The painted scenes #
# The sound here #
# Yes, a world to rediscover #
# But I'm not in any hurry #
# And I need a #
# Moment #
# The whispered conversations #
# In overcrowded hallways #
# The atmosphere #
# As thrilling here #
# As always #
# Feel the early morning madness #
# Feel the magic in the making #
# Why #
# Everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# I've spent so many mornings #
# Just trying to resist you #
# I'm trembling now #
# You can't know how #
# I've missed you #
# Missed the fairy tale adventure #
# In this ever-spinning #
# Playground #
# We were young #
# Together #
# I'm coming out of makeup #
# The lights already burning #
# Not long until the cameras #
# Will start turning #
# And the early morning madness #
# And the magic in the making #
# Yes, everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# I don't want to be alone #
# That's all in the past #
# This world's waited long enough #
# I've come home #
# At last #
# And this time will be bigger #
# And brighter #
# Than we knew it #
# So watch me fly #
# We all know #
# I can do it #
# Could I stop my hands from shaking? #
# Has there ever been a moment #
# With so much #
# To live for? #
# The whispered conversations #
# In overcrowded hallways #
# So much to say #
# Not just today but always #
# We'll have early morning madness #
# We'll have magic in the making #
# Yes, everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# Yes, everything's as if #
# We never said #
# Good-bye... #
# We taught the world #
# New ways to #
# Dream... #



Lauren Zizes: Hey, Lucy.
Quinn Fabray: What did you just call me?
Lauren Zizes: Well, that certainly got your attention. Can we speak privately? Well, you may want to have a seat.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah.
Lauren Zizes: My dad's college roommate was G. Gordon Liddy... and he taught my pop a valuable lesson. He said the key to any campaign is digging up dirt on your opponent, so I did a little digging.



Noah Puckerman: Dude, my permanent record has three volumes. I don't remember doing half this stuff.
Lauren Zizes: Jackpot.



Lauren Zizes: You moved to Lima after eighth grade, right?
Quinn Fabray: I transferred from Fairbrook. That's not a secret.
Lauren Zizes: Well, you must have had a pretty lousy attendance record because I called Fairbrook Middle School and they didn't have a record of anyone named Fabray, which makes sense, as you actually lived in an unincorporated part of Fairbrook Township, which would have meant you would have gone to Belleville Middle School, not Fairbrook. So I took a little field trip.
Quinn Fabray: You didn't.
Lauren Zizes: I did. And you know what? They didn't have a record of anyone named Quinn Fabray, either. They did, however, have someone named Lucy Fabray— Lucy Q. Fabray, to be exact, and she looked like this. You can kind of see the resemblance if you look past the nose job and subtract, eh, 70 pounds.
Quinn Fabray: Stop, okay? That's me. My middle name is Quinn. I stopped going by Lucy because kids made up a mean nickname.
Lauren Zizes: Juicy Lucy?
Quinn Fabray: Lucy Caboosey. I hated the way I looked. I had zits. I was chubby. I felt terrible about myself. I didn't have friends. Nobody would talk to me. I was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog because nobody would be my lab partner. And then I joined ballet, lost a little bit of weight, found out I was athletic, joined gymnastics, then cheerleading. Went on Proactiv for my acne. And when my dad got transferred and got a raise, I asked him if I could get a nose job. And he said yes. Then I asked them to call me Quinn.
Lauren Zizes: So you hate yourself.
Quinn Fabray: No, I love myself. And that's why I did all those things. I've been that girl, and I'm never going back. I was a miserable little girl. And now I'm going to be prom queen.
Lauren Zizes: Yeah. See, I wouldn't be so sure about that. You think everyone's going to vote for you because they want to be like you. Well, I don't know if they're going to want to be like you when they find out that you're a complete fraud.
Quinn Fabray: What are you going to do?
Lauren Zizes: If I were you, I'd check the bulletin boards.



Rachel Berry: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?
Noah Puckerman: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn.
Kurt Hummel: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks, Puck. I'll take it from here. Nice effort. But only I can lead this Barbravention.
Rachel Berry: Is she here?
Kurt Hummel: No. This is a mall in Ohio. Look, Rachel, here's the deal. Do you want to disappoint her?
Rachel Berry: Who?
Kurt Hummel: Barbra.
Rachel Berry: Of course not, Kurt. She's my idol.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, if you get a nose job, then you will be spitting on her legacy. Barbra refused to believe that beauty could only be defined by the blonde, chiseled faces of Hitchcock's beauties, so she redefined what beauty was and became the biggest female star in the world.
Rachel Berry: But what if I can't be like her? Isn't she one in a billion?
Kurt Hummel: So are you, Rachel. And if you let one misguided societal pressure make you change the way you look, then you won't just be letting Barbra down, you'll be letting down all the little girls who are going to look at your beautiful face one day and see themselves. You'll be taking away their inspiration, too. I thought you'd be hesitant, which is why I brought you here. Perhaps, if my words don't inspire you, song will. Go.
Rachel Berry: What are you doing?
Duck Sauce: # Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #



Emma Pillsbury: Okay. So... Nice and clean.
Dr. Shane: I'm afraid we're out of time.
Emma Pillsbury: What do you mean? I just sat down.
Dr. Shane: Well, the therapeutic hour is 50 minutes, and you just spent 48 of them disinfecting the chair. It's clear you have a... a fairly severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Emma Pillsbury: Really?
Dr. Shane: OCD's very treatable. A combination of medication and behavioral therapy will give you some relief from those feelings of... of panic that you might feel if, say, you think you forgot to unplug the curling iron or...
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God, I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.
Dr. Shane: There's a stigma in this country about mental illness. I mean, depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, they're hard to diagnose, so... people don't always appreciate that they're serious problems, but they are.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, um... I don't know. You know, I'm not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger all of my secrets. And... I don't want to start popping pills just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be. This is how I am. This is who I'm supposed to be.
Dr. Shane: Your illness is not who you're supposed to be. It's keeping you from who you're supposed to be. Look, you're a guidance counselor, right? So if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say, "Hey, that's just who you're supposed to be." I...
Emma Pillsbury: I just feel, um... I feel so ashamed.
Dr. Shane: Right. Well, you're not alone. After my daughter was born, I had a severe case of postpartum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasn't even mine. Like all the color just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was that I started to feel just a little bit better? When I admitted that I needed some help. Well... that's what I'm here for. Can I tell you something, Emma? You're going to feel better. I promise. I'm going to give you an SSRI. Start with a low dosage, and that'll help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. And I'd like to see you in about a week.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: Well, it's over.
Finn Hudson: What?
Quinn Fabray: My campaign. I'll never get elected prom queen now.
Finn Hudson: Can I show you something? It's my girlfriend. I used to have another photo, but... I like this one better.
Quinn Fabray: Why? She looks terrible.
Finn Hudson: You think so?
Quinn Fabray: Mm-hmm.
Finn Hudson: 'Cause I think it's the first one where you can really see her.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you.
Finn Hudson: I'll see you in Glee rehearsal, okay?
Woman: She's, like, an inspiration. One of us. One who overcame.
Woman: I always thought she was just some kind of stuck-up bitch, but she's really one of the people.
Woman: Yeah, totally.
Woman: Yeah. Holy crap, it's her.
Woman: Totally.
Woman: You have our votes, Lucy.
Woman: Totally.
Quinn Fabray: Thanks. I'll try not to let you down.
Lauren Zizes: This just in: Jacob Ben Israel's queen poll has you up by 40%. I... suppose I... had that result coming. It's not cool... what I did to you, and I apologize.
Quinn Fabray: I respect you. I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I owned it. And you just do it.
Lauren Zizes: Well, I have to admit... I have considered going blonde.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not so sure. Red, maybe.
Lauren Zizes: Ooh, that's a great idea. Red.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. Do you like my shirt for Glee Club?
Santana Lopez: It's perfect. Check out mine. What? This is perfect. Legend has it that when I came out of my mother, I told the nurse she was fat.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I made a different one for you.
Santana Lopez: I'm Hispanic. Wait, was that supposed to be "Lesbian"?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, isn't that what it says? When you told me all that stuff the other week, it meant so much to me. To see you be so honest. Especially 'cause I know how bad it hurt. I was so proud of you.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, don't get used to it. And certainly don't even think about telling anyone.
Brittany S. Pierce: Why not? You're like the most awesomest girl at this school. Why would you try to hide any of that?
Santana Lopez: I'm dating Karofsky now.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's gross.
Santana Lopez: You don't get a say in who I date anymore.
Brittany S. Pierce: Why not, because I'm dating somebody? Because you're Lebanese and I think I'm bi-curious?
Santana Lopez: No. Because I said I love you. You didn't say you love me back.
Brittany S. Pierce: I do love you. Clearly you don't love you as much as I do or you'd put the shirt on and you would dance with me.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. Listen up. You all did really good this week. It was tough, but I think we came closer as a team and I'm proud of you. And now, I'd like to be the first one to show off my custom T-shirt, revealing something I was self-conscious about in the past, something I was born with, something I've come to accept about myself this past week. So, drumroll, Finn.
Mercedes Jones: I like your chin, Mr. Schue.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, I would've went with "Tears up a lot."
Will Schuester: Uh, is everyone here?
Rachel Berry: Not everyone. I wanted to thank you guys for my Barbravention. And I have an announcement to make. I went to my doctor and... I canceled my appointment. And then I went home and I made this.
Will Schuester: Whoa.
Rachel Berry: So, unfortunately I can't join in on today's dance number. My doctor said I have to stay away from vigorous choreography while my nose heals. So thanks for being patient. And, Finn, next time, watch out for the schnoz.
Artie Abrams: Where's Santana?
Sam Evans: Probably off somewhere making out with Karofsky. Yeah, he can have her.
Will Schuester: Hit it!
Kurt Hummel: # It doesn't matter if you love him #
# Or capital H-I-M #
# Just put your paws up #
# 'Cause you were born this way, baby #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # My mama told me when I was young #
# We are all born superstars #
# She rolled my hair, put my lipstick on #
# In the glass of her boudoir #
Mercedes Jones: # There's nothing wrong with loving who you are #
# She said, 'cause he made you perfect, babe #
# So hold your head up, girl #
Mercedes & Tina: # And you'll go far Listen to me when I say #
Mercedes Jones: # I'm beautiful in my way #
# 'Cause God makes no mistakes #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# Don't hide yourself in regret #
# Just love yourself and you're set #
Kurt Hummel: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# Don't be a drag, just be a queen #
# Whether you're broke or evergreen #
# You're black, white, beige, chola descent #
# You're Lebanese, you're Orient #
# Whether life's disabilities #
# Left you outcast, bullied or teased #
# Rejoice and love yourself today #
# 'Cause, baby, you were born this way #
Kurt, Mercedes & Tina: # No matter black, white or beige #
# Chola or Orient made #
# I'm on the right track, baby #
# I was born to be brave #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I'm beautiful in my way #
# 'Cause God makes no mistakes #
Mercedes Jones: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Don't hide yourself in regret #
Mercedes & Tina: # Just love yourself and you're set #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
New Directions: # Born this way #
# Baby, I was born this way #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was #
New Directions: # Baby, I was born this way #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was born this way #
New Directions: # Don't hide yourself in regret #
# Baby, I was born this way #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was #
New Directions: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I'm on the right track, baby #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I was born this way, hey, I was born this way, hey #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey. #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: The Glee club's getting ready for Nationals, and Quinn's getting ready to be prom queen.
Quinn Fabray: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It's the ultimate status symbol.
Ian Brennan: Kurt had to leave McKinley because Karofsky threatened him...
Sue Sylvester: I can't expel a kid for shoving. He'll just say, "I didn't mean to shove that kid. I tripped." Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.
Ian Brennan: But at least he's got Blaine and the Warblers, who just lost at Regionals to the New Directions!
Blaine Anderson: We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?
Ian Brennan: Santana's got it bad for Brittany...
Brittany S. Pierce: This relationship is really confusing for me.
Santana Lopez: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then what is it?
Ian Brennan: Will's sort of always had it bad for Emma, but lately she's gotten super crazy with the cleaning fruit and stuff.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm not following.
Ian Brennan: Like, seriously crazy.
Will Schuester: One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. Nationals are just a few weeks away, and it's time to bear down. Now, your singing at Regionals was amazing, but your dancing... It's booty camp time.
Artie Abrams: Booty!
Will Schuester: So let's get it going. Five, six, seven, eight. Push yourselves, guys. Vocal Adrenaline takes no prisoners.
Finn Hudson: Oh! I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Rachel Berry: I'm bleeding.
Will Schuester: Let's get you to a doctor.



Rachel Berry: My dad's will be here in 15 minutes. You don't have to stay, Finn.
Finn Hudson: No, I want to wait and hear what the doctor says. I feel terrible.
Rachel Berry: Won't Quinn be mad at you sitting vigil at my bedside?
Finn Hudson: Well, I'm standing, and-and she'd understand how awful I feel even if it's not broken.
Plastic Surgeon: It's broken.
Finn Hudson: Well, I knew I was a bad dancer, but I never thought my dancing was dangerous.
Plastic Surgeon: It's a clean break, so I-I won't have to set it. Considering your deviated septum, I'd consider this a terrific opportunity for a little vanity adjustment.
Rachel Berry: Are you suggesting that I get a nose job?
Plastic Surgeon: You're 16, right? That's when I gave my daughters theirs. It's like a right of passage for Jewish girls.
Rachel Berry: First of all, I like how I look.
Plastic Surgeon: She your girlfriend?
Finn Hudson: No.
Plastic Surgeon: What does your girlfriend look like?
Rachel Berry: Okay, and second of all, I don't want to do anything that's going to affect my voice. My Broadway career depends on it.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, we got a big show choir competition coming up, and Rachel's kind of our best singer.
Plastic Surgeon: Doesn't impact the voice. That's just a myth. The fact is, opening up that septum might allow you to take in more air per breath, which means bigger belts on you high notes.
Rachel Berry: But Barbra...
Plastic Surgeon: Is great. She's also one in a million. The fact is, if you really want to be an actress, you might want to consider looking and sounding the best that you can. I got an appointment open next week. Can I sign you up?



Quinn Fabray: Oh my God, you're getting a nose job.
Rachel Berry: I'm considering having a minor procedure to repair my deviated septum.
Santana Lopez: So, a nose job.
Rachel Berry: Look, I'm... I'm happy with the way that I look, okay? And I've embraced my nose. But let's say I wanted to have a slightly more demure nose. Like Quinn's, for example. I-I would never change my appearance for vanity, but, I mean, the doctor said that it could possibly improve my talent, which would help us all for Nationals.
Will Schuester: Possibly? What about the risks? Your voice is amazing as is, Rachel.
Santana Lopez: Hold up. Could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel's got a bit of a schnoz. I mean, I wouldn't know because, like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things that we wouldn't change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure that Sam's been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways. And I'm definitely sure that Tina's looked into getting an eye de-slanting.
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's extraordinarily racist.
Santana Lopez: I'm keepin' it real.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Sorry, Santana. I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself, and I would never change a thing.
Mike Chang: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hating Asian.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Not many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to be in fashion and mirror what I see in the magazines.
Finn Hudson: My dancing kind of bothers me. Uh, it almost killed Rachel, but I like the way I look.
Santana Lopez: Oh, please. You have weird, puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they're filled with custard, or you could dust them with powdered sugar and they could pass for some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel's fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is that if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.
Will Schuester: Whoa, guys. I'm really shocked at what I'm hearing here. It goes against everything the Glee club stands for. I'm telling you, the thing you would most like to change about yourself is the most interesting part of you.
Mercedes Jones: Well, maybe, but at this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing people use to crush your spirit.



Will Schuester: Rachel's a beautiful girl. She doesn't need a nose job. Saying that she's doing it to enrich her talent is just a convenient excuse to deal with the fact that she's insecure about how she looks.
Emma Pillsbury: Most of the adults we know have trouble embracing their eccentricities, so how can we expect kids to?
Will Schuester: Well, then, it should be our job to help them. I don't want my legacy as a teacher to be conjugated verbs and Glee Club trophies. I want to help them love themselves for who they are, warts and all— Especially warts. How long do we have to do this for?
Emma Pillsbury: Until they're all clean.
Will Schuester: I mean, I'm really enjoying helping you with your OCD.
Emma Pillsbury: Do you know what? I really don't like that term, really. It sounds way too scientific and serious. I really prefer "neat freak" or "cleanybug." But, Will, I really have to tell you, I'm so appreciative of all your help. Really, I have so much more free time now that there are four hands polishing all of my fruit.
Will Schuester: I'm really glad... but shouldn't we be figuring out some techniques you can use to eat your food without scrubbing it?
Emma Pillsbury: You mean with germs and pesticides all over it?
Will Schuester: No, I mean, really deal with your issues on this stuff.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, I've tried, you know, and I... I may not have been born this way, but this is my lot in life. There's nothing I can do about it.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Emma Pillsbury: What for?
Will Schuester: I know how I'm going to get the kids to accept what their differences are— By using their two favorite teachers: Me and Gaga... but I'm going to need your help.



Santana Lopez: I should be prom queen at this school. If I were prom queen, I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen. She's so gullible, I could convince her that by royal decree, I'd made her being with me the law of the land. That's never going to happen. I don't have the votes. Unless I could get the jock block.
Sam Evans: Jack Ryan, you've just boarded the Red October. Sean Connery.
Santana Lopez: And God knows Sam doesn't have the heat at this school yet. Hold on, there's someone at this school who just might have the juice... Dave Karofsky. Holy crap. I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing: I have awesome gaydar.



Mercedes Jones: You haven't asked us anything about our New York trip.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Is it because it's too painful?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, as a matter of fact, but while the New Directions are preparing to perform at Nationals, the Warblers are preparing to perform at a nursing home in a strip mall next to a National Bank. But I'm so proud of you guys.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We miss you so much.
Mercedes Jones: Isn't there any way you could come back to McKinley?
Blaine Anderson: I told him, I would be all for it if it wasn't for Karofsky.
Santana Lopez: Wait, what did you just say?
Blaine Anderson: Kurt needs to be safe.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, can we please change subject?
Blaine Anderson: I'm just saying...
Santana Lopez: That's it. Kurt's the trick to winning prom queen and getting Britt, not to mention totally boosting our chances at Nationals. If I could get Kurt back, I'd be a hero. Even Quinn and Finn would vote for me. And the key? Karofsky. I've got to gay— Go. Go— I've got to go.



Finn Hudson: Um, why is Ms. Pillsbury here?
Will Schuester: She's helping us out with this week's assignment. Now, this is the only club at school that is represented by just about every race, religion, sexual orientation and clique, but many of you are still having a hard time with acceptance.
Mercedes Jones: That's crazy, Mr. Schue. We love each other.
Will Schuester: No, I won't deny that you accept each other, but you don't accept yourselves. This week's assignment has two parts. I want all of you to sing songs about accepting yourself for who you are— The best and the worst parts.
Rachel Berry: What's the second part?
Will Schuester: Well, we're going to do a group number by the queen of self-love— Gaga.
New Directions: Yeah!
Will Schuester: We're going to perform her anthem to acceptance— "Born This Way."
New Directions: Yes!
Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, I still don't know why Ms. Pillsbury is here.
Emma Pillsbury: I'm here to help you with your costumes for the big number. Each of you will be issued a beautifully fitted white T-shirt. We will then use this letter press... to write a word or a phrase that best describes the thing about you that you're the most ashamed of or you'd like to change but you can't because you were born that way, which is super terrific.
Will Schuester: I want you to love those parts of you, you know, embrace them, wear them on your chest with pride.
Mike Chang: Can you give an example?
Will Schuester: Yeah. It's the big moment. Wow, Emma, I thought the whole purpose of you doing this was to write...
Emma Pillsbury: Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, I can get a sunburn indoors at night, and according to recent legend, I have no soul, but I'm here to say that this very curse is what makes me unique. Children, I claim my gingerhood before you today. I was born this way. Hooray. Hooray! Hooray!



Noah Puckerman: Those crowns are a crock. You know what I found out? Not real jewels.
Lauren Zizes: A crown hasn't rested on my head since I won Miss Tiara Toddler Allen County.
Noah Puckerman: Are you serious?
Lauren Zizes: Yeah, three years in a row. I dominated in Western Wear and Runway, but my real talent was baby pull-ups.



Audience: 31! 32! 33!



Lauren Zizes: I was on my way to becoming Miss Ohio. That is, until the shoddy Zizes thyroid kicked in as well as a love of chips, and suddenly I was denied entry into the pageant circuit. They said I no longer looked the part. My dreams were dashed. There's our future queen... a size-two teenage dream.
Noah Puckerman: You know what? We're going to change that.
Lauren Zizes: How?
Noah Puckerman: Baby, you're going to get that crown, and I'm gonna be your king.



Rachel Berry: Thanks for doing this.
Quinn Fabray: I'm surprised more girls haven't asked me. My nose is awesome. I can totally count on your vote, right?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. To... totally. So, what's it like? Looking like you look?
Quinn Fabray: I pretty much have a warped sense of the world. Being a hot 17-year-old, you can get away with or do anything you want, so I kind of always assume that people are always nice and accommodating.
Plastic Surgeon: Okay. So, we, uh, ready to pull the trigger?
Rachel Berry: No, not... not quite yet. Um, I was kind of hoping that I could get an idea of what I might look like after the procedure. Um, this is my friend Quinn.
Plastic Surgeon: Nice nose.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you.
Plastic Surgeon: Very nice.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, Rachel wants it.
Plastic Surgeon: No problem. So I'll click some pics, make up some photo composites. We'll be ready to rock and roll.
Quinn Fabray: # I wish I could tie you up in my shoes #
# Make you feel unpretty, too #
# I was told I was beautiful #
# But what does that mean to you? #
# Look into the mirror #
# Who's inside there? #
# The one with the long hair #
# Same old me again today #
Rachel Berry: # My outsides are cool #
# My insides are blue #
# Every time I think I'm through #
# It's because of you #
# I've tried different ways #
# But it's all the same #
# At the end of the day #
# I have myself to blame #
# I'm just trippin' #
Quinn & Rachel: # You can buy your hair if it won't grow #
Quinn Fabray: # You can fix your nose if you say so #
Quinn & Rachel: # You can buy all the makeup that MAC can make #
# But if #
# You can't look inside you #
Quinn Fabray: # Find out who am I to #
Quinn & Rachel: # Be in a position to make me feel so #
Rachel Berry: # Damn unpretty #
Quinn Fabray: # I feel pretty #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, so pretty #
Quinn & Rachel: # I feel pretty and witty and bright #
Quinn Fabray: # And I pity #
Rachel Berry: # Any girl who isn't me tonight #
Quinn Fabray: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # Tonight #
Quinn Fabray: # Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh #
Rachel Berry: # I feel pretty #
Quinn Fabray: # You can buy your hair if it won't grow #
Rachel Berry: # Oh, so pretty #
Quinn Fabray: # You can fix your nose if you say so #
Rachel Berry: # I feel pretty and witty #
Quinn Fabray: # You can buy all the makeup #
Rachel Berry: # And bright #
Quinn Fabray: # That MAC can make, but if #
Quinn & Rachel: # You can't look inside you #
Quinn Fabray: # Find out who am I to #
Quinn & Rachel: # Be in a position to make me feel so #
Rachel Berry: # Damn unpretty #
Quinn Fabray: # I feel pretty #
Quinn & Rachel: # But unpretty. #
Will Schuester: Beautiful job, ladies.



Woman: She's got my vote.
Woman: She's such an inspiration.
Woman: It's nice to see someone like me on a poster for a change.
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, hey. I'm running for prom queen.
Quinn Fabray: As a joke, right?
Lauren Zizes: Does it look like I'm joking?
Quinn Fabray: Well, when your name appears on that ballot, the whole school's going to think it's a laugh riot, and you may just get enough votes to win.
Lauren Zizes: That's sort of the idea.
Quinn Fabray: And as everybody snickers as they try to squeeze that tiara onto your head, somebody's going to spill pig's blood on you, or something like that, and you'll become more of an outcast than you already are.
Lauren Zizes: Okay. I don't know exactly what your problem is, but you best bring it, Fabray. Because I'm hot as hell, I keep it real, and the people at this school want a prom queen who's like them.
Quinn Fabray: No, they want a prom queen who's somebody they'd like to be.
Lauren Zizes: Look. Not everybody can be born pretty like you. But just so you know, who you are inside and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world— They're two different people.
Quinn Fabray: You don't know anything about me, Lauren. Anything. But you know what? You're about to. Because it just got personal.



Dave Karofsky: I knew you'd ask me out eventually. I'm kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.
Santana Lopez: Give it up. I know.
Dave Karofsky: Know what?
Santana Lopez: That you're gay.
Dave Karofsky: What? Who told you that?
Santana Lopez: No one had to tell me. First of all, I saw you checking out Sam's ass the other day. You know, you really need to be more careful with your leering.
Dave Karofsky: I didn't. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.
Santana Lopez: Like that's any less gay. Second of all, I know about you and Kurt. Remember last week before the benefit? About you being worried about "the truth" getting out. Guess what. It's out.
Dave Karofsky: Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me. I'm going to kick their asses.
Santana Lopez: Okay, you know what? Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you. You're what we call a "late in life gay." You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some page, and you know what? I accept that about you.
Dave Karofsky: Why are you doing this?
Santana Lopez: Because I need you, and you need me. We play on the same team.
Dave Karofsky: You're...
Santana Lopez: Look, I'm not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top yet, either. Maybe in junior college.
Dave Karofsky: This is garbage. I'm not gay.
Santana Lopez: I'm trying to help you out here. Have you ever heard of the term "beards?" It's when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they're gay. Like the Roosevelts. So you and I are going to be each other's beards, and then we're going to win prom king and queen and rule the school.
Dave Karofsky: And what if I say no?
Santana Lopez: Then I'm going to tell everyone about you, and your life will be over. The only straight I am is straight-up bitch. You in or not?



Finn Hudson: What you're doing is terrible.
Quinn Fabray: I have a nice nose. Rachel asked me for help, and I'm giving it to her. And once again, we are fighting about Rachel.I'm your girlfriend.
Finn Hudson: Look, this isn't about who's my girlfriend. Mr. Schue is trying to get us to accept ourselves for who we are, and you're helping Rachel do the exact opposite. That's not cool.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, well, maybe I'm not down with this week's lesson.
Finn Hudson: I love this lesson.



Finn Hudson: # Whether I'm right #
# Or whether I'm wrong #
# Whether I find a place in this world or never belong #
# I gotta be me #
# I gotta be me #
# The dream that I see makes me what I am #
# That far-away prize #
# A world of success #
# Is waiting for me if I heed the call #
# I won't settle down #
# Won't settle for less #
# As long as there's a chance that I can have it all #
# I'll go it alone #
# That's how it must be #
# I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me #
# I gotta be free #
# I've gotta be free #
# Daring to try, to do it or die #
# I've gotta be me #
# That far-away prize #
# A world of success #
# Is waiting for me if I heed the call #
# I won't settle down #
# Won't settle for less #
# As long as there's a chance #
# That I can have it all #
# I'll go it alone #
# That's how it must be #
# I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me #
# I gotta be free #
# I just gotta be free #
# Daring to try, to do it or die #
# I gotta #
# Be me. #
Will Schuester: All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid to point out something they're really bad at.
Finn Hudson: But I'm getting better, right?
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester? May I have the floor, please?
Will Schuester: It's yours.
Rachel Berry: So, as all of you know, I've had a few consultations with a doctor who specializes in rhinoplasty.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yes, we know. That's all any of us have been talking about. And we think it's a terrible idea.
Rachel Berry: Okay. Blue eyes, you're such a hypocrite.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I admit, yes, I don't like my eyes sometimes— The shape, the color— But your self-hatred, Rachel, has helped me see the light.
Rachel Berry: I love myself.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Not enough, clearly. When you get a nose job, when you change your eyes, when you bleach your freckles, you're just announcing to the world, "I don't like myself very much." The drams of this week have made me realize, if I don't have many Asian sex symbols to look up to, I have an obligation to maybe become one myself. My new mantra is "Be the change you want to see in the world."
Mike Chang: I love you so much right now.
Rachel Berry: Uh...
Will Schuester: Okay, okay, okay.
Rachel Berry: Okay, uh... Besides Tina's abrupt personal transformation, the compositions came back from the doctor, showing what my nose would look like slightly altered, and I have to say, I'm really happy with the results. They're less Hebraic, and more Fabrayic.
Will Schuester: That doesn't really look like you.
Noah Puckerman: Every year, girls show up to my temple after their 16th birthday, looking suddenly slightly different. And you know what? Even though it's easier to make out with them without getting constantly stabbed in the eye, they're not as hot.
Rachel Berry: Well, this isn't about being hot. It's about conquering your destiny, and finding something in yourself that you want to change and change it. Plus, they said that it could improve my voice, so... Look, if you guys aren't willing to support my decision, then I'm pretty accustomed to making it on my own.
Finn Hudson: Rachel, please don't do this. You're beautiful.
Rachel Berry: This isn't a discussion. I have made up my mind. Rachel Berry is getting a nose job.



Emma Pillsbury: Hey.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: How's the assignment going?
Will Schuester: Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.
Emma Pillsbury: Oh.
Will Schuester: The word you put on your T-shirt.
Emma Pillsbury: Ginger?
Will Schuester: Right. I was a little disappointed. You and I both know you should have put OCD on it.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I don't think it's appropriate to talk about such personal things with them. Really, those kids have to trust me. I'm supposed to be a role model.
Will Schuester: And you're not being one. We're trying to teach these kids to... to accept themselves, and you refuse to.
Emma Pillsbury: Will, you know I wasn't born this way. It all started when I was five.
Will Schuester: And you never had any anxiety before that?
Emma Pillsbury: I understand I was a very colicky baby. I mean, I remember getting kicked out of preschool because I was having panic attacks when they made us use manila paper, but...
Will Schuester: You have a severe anxiety disorder, Emma. All of us just humor it because you function so well, and you're so cute about it, but it's really keeping you from enjoying your life.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, fine. Do you know what? If you want me to wear a shirt that says "Batty" or "Loon" on it, I will. Totally fine. So what if I like my fruit free of contaminants? Isn't that healthy?
Will Schuester: You know what I want? I want you to have lunch with me.
Emma Pillsbury: Is that unwashed fruit?
Will Schuester: Yep. Here. Have a blueberry.
Emma Pillsbury: Ugh!
Will Schuester: Come on.
Emma Pillsbury: Uh-uh. No. Stop. This isn't funny.
Will Schuester: I'm just trying to help you get better. I think accepting the fact that you have a problem is the first step.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay, what? And you think torturing me with unwashed fruit's going to make me take that step?
Will Schuester: You know what I think, Emma? I think you are an expert at deflection.
Emma Pillsbury: Is that a new shirt?
Will Schuester: And I think you work so hard at helping other people— Counseling them— So that you can avoid doing the hard, painful work on yourself.



Principal Figgins: Okay, listen, I'm all... That's all I'm asking for. Let me finish. Excuse me. Quiet!
Lauren Zizes: No.
Principal Figgins: Quiet, okay?
Finn Hudson: We don't care what he has to say.
Principal Figgins: Shh. Now, I know David has had some issues in the past, but I have great respect for what he's doing right now, and I ask you to hear him out. Thank you.
Sam Evans: How about we punch his face?
Mercedes Jones: Right.
Will Schuester: Okay, that's enough, guys.
Principal Figgins: Excuse me.
Will Schuester: Everyone listen up.
Dave Karofsky: First, I just want to say how sorry I am for what I did to Kurt and for what I've done to a lot of you. I think I've slushied every one of you. I treated Kurt the worst, and I'm really ashamed of who I am and what I did.
Noah Puckerman: Why should we believe you?
Dave Karofsky: You don't have to. I know I'll need to earn your trust. All I can say is that Santana has really helped me to see the light. She showed me all these stories online about kids jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves because they were being bullied so bad. I couldn't believe someone could make another person feel that awful, but she helped me accept that I was one of those bad people, and I don't want to be anymore.
Quinn Fabray: Wait. Santana?
Santana Lopez: This Glee Club is not complete. Not without Kurt. So I've taken it upon myself to try to rehabilitate Dave to see if maybe Kurt would consider coming back and help us win nationals. I did this for us, and then something funny happened. Something... called love.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm going to barf.
Dave Karofsky: I want Kurt to feel safe to come back, which is why Santana and I have started a new club— The Bully Whips.
Santana Lopez: The name was my idea. We're going to be like guardian angels.
Principal Figgins: I have deputized David and Santana and the rest of their club to roam the halls, identifying bullying and stopping it in its tracks.



Azimio Adams: I'm saying I want the pants, okay? The ones you have on right now.
Stoner Brett: Then, what will I wear for the rest of the day?
Azimio Adams: That's a YP— Your problem, not an MP— My problem.
Dave Karofsky: Hey, Z, back off.
Azimio Adams: Say what? What is this? Berets?
Santana Lopez: Everyone deserves a safe school environment. Don't pick on this kid. It's not cool, and we won't allow it anymore.



Dave Karofsky: I'm planning on reaching out to Kurt personally, through Principal Figgins, to try to make amends. This is a chance to really change this place. I hope you can support us.



Burt Hummel: You know, you talk a great game, but all I'm hearing is talk, and talk isn't going to keep Kurt safe.
Principal Figgins: But the anti-bullying club that David started will. The fact is, since the club began enforcing the no-bullying rule, we haven't had one incident.
Burt Hummel: Yeah, and if I took all the water out of the ocean, it wouldn't be wet anymore. The bullying stopped because your top offender stopped.
Paul Karofsky: Mr. Hummel. Can I call you Burt?
Burt Hummel: Of course.
Paul Karofsky: You remember how understanding I was about this when it all began. I didn't come to David's defense. I believed your son. That's because the David I was seeing was not the young man I knew. The boy I raised was a Cub Scout. He was kind, he was a good citizen. I still don't know what was going through his mind when all this bullying stared, but I can tell you that the David I'm seeing now is my son, back again. This... this is real.
Burt Hummel: Do you have any idea how much stress this has caused my family? My son having to leave his friends. My wife and I spending money we don't have on private school 'cause of your son.
Paul Karofsky: Burt, were you always so accepting of homosexuals? We're the same age. I remember what we used to say about the gays when we were younger. Now, it's taken us a long time to figure out what's right. Why can't you just allow David the couple months that it's taken him to figure it out?
Burt Hummel: Because he said he's going to kill my son!
Dave Karofsky: I never actually meant that, though. It's just a figure of speech.
Burt Hummel: How's he supposed to know what?
Will Schuester: Your words still matter, David.
Dave Karofsky: I know. You have to believe how awful I feel about them. Those ones, especially. That's not me. Not anymore.
Will Schuester: What do you think, Kurt?
Kurt Hummel: I believe he realizes what he did was wrong.
Burt Hummel: You're only saying that because you want to be back in this school so bad.
Kurt Hummel: Can Dave and I speak for a moment alone? You can wait right outside in the hall.
Will Schuester: Let's go. Yeah.
Kurt Hummel: What's your angle here?
Dave Karofsky: I'm just trying to make things right.
Kurt Hummel: David, I know, remember? And I haven't told anyone.
Dave Karofsky: Why? It would have made your life a lot easier.
Kurt Hummel: I don't believe in denying who you are, but I don't believe in outing, either. But still, you owe me the truth. What's going on here?
Dave Karofsky: It was Santana's idea. She wants to be prom queen, so she figures, if we can get you back, we'll get everyone to vote for us.
Kurt Hummel: I'm both repulsed and impressed by her Lady Macbethian ways. Hmm. A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you're going to be gay, you simply must know who that is.
Dave Karofsky: Look, I don't know for sure I am gay, okay? Stop being such a broken record.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, I have several options here. I could tell everyone the truth about you...
Dave Karofsky: Dude, I said I'm sorry. You said you wouldn't do that!
Kurt Hummel: Hold on. Or I can return here and marvel with pride at your new anti-bullying movement, which I fully believe in, and further demand that you and I start a chapter of PFLAG here at William McKinley. Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. You need to be educated, David. You may not have to come out, but you need to be educated.
Dave Karofsky: Oh, man, just kill me now.
Burt Hummel: Just keep an eye on your brother.
Finn Hudson: One step ahead of you.



Rachel Berry: You can't be in here, Noah.
Noah Puckerman: It's cool. I checked through the peep hole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going.
Rachel Berry: What can I help you with today?
Noah Puckerman: I just want to talk to you, one hot Jew to another.
Rachel Berry: Oh, God. Look, it's my nose, okay? I am tired of the lectures.
Noah Puckerman: Hear me out. Why are you getting Quinn's nose? If you want to breathe better, why don't you have him give you Karl Malden's nose? Your nose has been passed down from generation to generation as a birthright. It's a sign of the survival of our people.
Rachel Berry: This has nothing to do with our religion.
Noah Puckerman: I need one hour of your time tomorrow. Just one hour. Give me that, and I'll never bug you again.



Noah Puckerman: What the hell is going on?
Mercedes Jones: Well, my fellow Glee Clubbers, it's noon, which means... it's official.
Sam Evans: What's official?
Kurt Hummel: My transfer! Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hi.
Kurt Hummel: Let me breathe! Let me breathe! Let's get ready for Nationals.
Mercedes Jones: Not yet. See, there's a reason we're meeting here today. There's some people that wanted to say good-bye to you, Kurt.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt, Dalton's going to miss you. You were a great addition to the Warblers, and you made us a better team. I'm sad to see you go, but we all know this is something that you really want. And I'll still have you after school and on the weekends, but these guys won't, so they wanted to say good-bye.
Wesley Montgomery: And thank you, Kurt.
Blaine Anderson: # I walked across an empty land #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # I knew the pathway like the back of my hand #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # I felt the earth beneath my feet #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Sat by the river and it made me complete #
The Warblers: # Ooh, ooh #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? #
# I'm getting old and I need something to rely on #
# So tell me when you're gonna let me in #
# I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin #
# And if you have a minute why don't we go #
# Talk about it somewhere only we know? #
# This could be the end #
# Of everything #
# So why don't we go #
# Somewhere only we know? #
# Somewhere only we know #
The Warblers: # Somewhere only #
# We know #
# If you have a minute #
Blaine Anderson: # Ooh... oh-oh... #
The Warblers: # Why don't we go #
# Talk about it #
Blaine Anderson: # Ah... oh #
The Warblers: # Somewhere only we know? #
Blaine Anderson: # This could be the end of everything #
# So why don't we go #
# Somewhere only we know? #
# Somewhere only we know #
# Somewhere only we know. #
Kurt Hummel: I'm never saying good-bye to you.
Mercedes Jones: Hey.
Santana Lopez: Hi.
Brittany S. Pierce: Hey.
Santana Lopez: No crying, no crying. We love you.



Kurt Hummel: # I don't know why I'm frightened #
# I know my way around here #
# The cardboard trees #
# The painted scenes #
# The sound here #
# Yes, a world to rediscover #
# But I'm not in any hurry #
# And I need a #
# Moment #
# The whispered conversations #
# In overcrowded hallways #
# The atmosphere #
# As thrilling here #
# As always #
# Feel the early morning madness #
# Feel the magic in the making #
# Why #
# Everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# I've spent so many mornings #
# Just trying to resist you #
# I'm trembling now #
# You can't know how #
# I've missed you #
# Missed the fairy tale adventure #
# In this ever-spinning #
# Playground #
# We were young #
# Together #
# I'm coming out of makeup #
# The lights already burning #
# Not long until the cameras #
# Will start turning #
# And the early morning madness #
# And the magic in the making #
# Yes, everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# I don't want to be alone #
# That's all in the past #
# This world's waited long enough #
# I've come home #
# At last #
# And this time will be bigger #
# And brighter #
# Than we knew it #
# So watch me fly #
# We all know #
# I can do it #
# Could I stop my hands from shaking? #
# Has there ever been a moment #
# With so much #
# To live for? #
# The whispered conversations #
# In overcrowded hallways #
# So much to say #
# Not just today but always #
# We'll have early morning madness #
# We'll have magic in the making #
# Yes, everything's as if we never said #
# Good-bye #
# Yes, everything's as if #
# We never said #
# Good-bye... #
# We taught the world #
# New ways to #
# Dream... #



Lauren Zizes: Hey, Lucy.
Quinn Fabray: What did you just call me?
Lauren Zizes: Well, that certainly got your attention. Can we speak privately? Well, you may want to have a seat.
Quinn Fabray: Yeah.
Lauren Zizes: My dad's college roommate was G. Gordon Liddy... and he taught my pop a valuable lesson. He said the key to any campaign is digging up dirt on your opponent, so I did a little digging.



Noah Puckerman: Dude, my permanent record has three volumes. I don't remember doing half this stuff.
Lauren Zizes: Jackpot.



Lauren Zizes: You moved to Lima after eighth grade, right?
Quinn Fabray: I transferred from Fairbrook. That's not a secret.
Lauren Zizes: Well, you must have had a pretty lousy attendance record because I called Fairbrook Middle School and they didn't have a record of anyone named Fabray, which makes sense, as you actually lived in an unincorporated part of Fairbrook Township, which would have meant you would have gone to Belleville Middle School, not Fairbrook. So I took a little field trip.
Quinn Fabray: You didn't.
Lauren Zizes: I did. And you know what? They didn't have a record of anyone named Quinn Fabray, either. They did, however, have someone named Lucy Fabray— Lucy Q. Fabray, to be exact, and she looked like this. You can kind of see the resemblance if you look past the nose job and subtract, eh, 70 pounds.
Quinn Fabray: Stop, okay? That's me. My middle name is Quinn. I stopped going by Lucy because kids made up a mean nickname.
Lauren Zizes: Juicy Lucy?
Quinn Fabray: Lucy Caboosey. I hated the way I looked. I had zits. I was chubby. I felt terrible about myself. I didn't have friends. Nobody would talk to me. I was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog because nobody would be my lab partner. And then I joined ballet, lost a little bit of weight, found out I was athletic, joined gymnastics, then cheerleading. Went on Proactiv for my acne. And when my dad got transferred and got a raise, I asked him if I could get a nose job. And he said yes. Then I asked them to call me Quinn.
Lauren Zizes: So you hate yourself.
Quinn Fabray: No, I love myself. And that's why I did all those things. I've been that girl, and I'm never going back. I was a miserable little girl. And now I'm going to be prom queen.
Lauren Zizes: Yeah. See, I wouldn't be so sure about that. You think everyone's going to vote for you because they want to be like you. Well, I don't know if they're going to want to be like you when they find out that you're a complete fraud.
Quinn Fabray: What are you going to do?
Lauren Zizes: If I were you, I'd check the bulletin boards.



Rachel Berry: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?
Noah Puckerman: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn.
Kurt Hummel: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks, Puck. I'll take it from here. Nice effort. But only I can lead this Barbravention.
Rachel Berry: Is she here?
Kurt Hummel: No. This is a mall in Ohio. Look, Rachel, here's the deal. Do you want to disappoint her?
Rachel Berry: Who?
Kurt Hummel: Barbra.
Rachel Berry: Of course not, Kurt. She's my idol.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, if you get a nose job, then you will be spitting on her legacy. Barbra refused to believe that beauty could only be defined by the blonde, chiseled faces of Hitchcock's beauties, so she redefined what beauty was and became the biggest female star in the world.
Rachel Berry: But what if I can't be like her? Isn't she one in a billion?
Kurt Hummel: So are you, Rachel. And if you let one misguided societal pressure make you change the way you look, then you won't just be letting Barbra down, you'll be letting down all the little girls who are going to look at your beautiful face one day and see themselves. You'll be taking away their inspiration, too. I thought you'd be hesitant, which is why I brought you here. Perhaps, if my words don't inspire you, song will. Go.
Rachel Berry: What are you doing?
Duck Sauce: # Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #
# Barbra Streisand #



Emma Pillsbury: Okay. So... Nice and clean.
Dr. Shane: I'm afraid we're out of time.
Emma Pillsbury: What do you mean? I just sat down.
Dr. Shane: Well, the therapeutic hour is 50 minutes, and you just spent 48 of them disinfecting the chair. It's clear you have a... a fairly severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Emma Pillsbury: Really?
Dr. Shane: OCD's very treatable. A combination of medication and behavioral therapy will give you some relief from those feelings of... of panic that you might feel if, say, you think you forgot to unplug the curling iron or...
Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God, I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.
Dr. Shane: There's a stigma in this country about mental illness. I mean, depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, they're hard to diagnose, so... people don't always appreciate that they're serious problems, but they are.
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, um... I don't know. You know, I'm not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger all of my secrets. And... I don't want to start popping pills just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be. This is how I am. This is who I'm supposed to be.
Dr. Shane: Your illness is not who you're supposed to be. It's keeping you from who you're supposed to be. Look, you're a guidance counselor, right? So if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say, "Hey, that's just who you're supposed to be." I...
Emma Pillsbury: I just feel, um... I feel so ashamed.
Dr. Shane: Right. Well, you're not alone. After my daughter was born, I had a severe case of postpartum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasn't even mine. Like all the color just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was that I started to feel just a little bit better? When I admitted that I needed some help. Well... that's what I'm here for. Can I tell you something, Emma? You're going to feel better. I promise. I'm going to give you an SSRI. Start with a low dosage, and that'll help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. And I'd like to see you in about a week.



Finn Hudson: Hey.
Quinn Fabray: Well, it's over.
Finn Hudson: What?
Quinn Fabray: My campaign. I'll never get elected prom queen now.
Finn Hudson: Can I show you something? It's my girlfriend. I used to have another photo, but... I like this one better.
Quinn Fabray: Why? She looks terrible.
Finn Hudson: You think so?
Quinn Fabray: Mm-hmm.
Finn Hudson: 'Cause I think it's the first one where you can really see her.
Quinn Fabray: Thank you.
Finn Hudson: I'll see you in Glee rehearsal, okay?
Woman: She's, like, an inspiration. One of us. One who overcame.
Woman: I always thought she was just some kind of stuck-up bitch, but she's really one of the people.
Woman: Yeah, totally.
Woman: Yeah. Holy crap, it's her.
Woman: Totally.
Woman: You have our votes, Lucy.
Woman: Totally.
Quinn Fabray: Thanks. I'll try not to let you down.
Lauren Zizes: This just in: Jacob Ben Israel's queen poll has you up by 40%. I... suppose I... had that result coming. It's not cool... what I did to you, and I apologize.
Quinn Fabray: I respect you. I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I owned it. And you just do it.
Lauren Zizes: Well, I have to admit... I have considered going blonde.
Quinn Fabray: I'm not so sure. Red, maybe.
Lauren Zizes: Ooh, that's a great idea. Red.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. Do you like my shirt for Glee Club?
Santana Lopez: It's perfect. Check out mine. What? This is perfect. Legend has it that when I came out of my mother, I told the nurse she was fat.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well... I made a different one for you.
Santana Lopez: I'm Hispanic. Wait, was that supposed to be "Lesbian"?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, isn't that what it says? When you told me all that stuff the other week, it meant so much to me. To see you be so honest. Especially 'cause I know how bad it hurt. I was so proud of you.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, don't get used to it. And certainly don't even think about telling anyone.
Brittany S. Pierce: Why not? You're like the most awesomest girl at this school. Why would you try to hide any of that?
Santana Lopez: I'm dating Karofsky now.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's gross.
Santana Lopez: You don't get a say in who I date anymore.
Brittany S. Pierce: Why not, because I'm dating somebody? Because you're Lebanese and I think I'm bi-curious?
Santana Lopez: No. Because I said I love you. You didn't say you love me back.
Brittany S. Pierce: I do love you. Clearly you don't love you as much as I do or you'd put the shirt on and you would dance with me.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. Listen up. You all did really good this week. It was tough, but I think we came closer as a team and I'm proud of you. And now, I'd like to be the first one to show off my custom T-shirt, revealing something I was self-conscious about in the past, something I was born with, something I've come to accept about myself this past week. So, drumroll, Finn.
Mercedes Jones: I like your chin, Mr. Schue.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Yeah, I would've went with "Tears up a lot."
Will Schuester: Uh, is everyone here?
Rachel Berry: Not everyone. I wanted to thank you guys for my Barbravention. And I have an announcement to make. I went to my doctor and... I canceled my appointment. And then I went home and I made this.
Will Schuester: Whoa.
Rachel Berry: So, unfortunately I can't join in on today's dance number. My doctor said I have to stay away from vigorous choreography while my nose heals. So thanks for being patient. And, Finn, next time, watch out for the schnoz.
Artie Abrams: Where's Santana?
Sam Evans: Probably off somewhere making out with Karofsky. Yeah, he can have her.
Will Schuester: Hit it!
Kurt Hummel: # It doesn't matter if you love him #
# Or capital H-I-M #
# Just put your paws up #
# 'Cause you were born this way, baby #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # My mama told me when I was young #
# We are all born superstars #
# She rolled my hair, put my lipstick on #
# In the glass of her boudoir #
Mercedes Jones: # There's nothing wrong with loving who you are #
# She said, 'cause he made you perfect, babe #
# So hold your head up, girl #
Mercedes & Tina: # And you'll go far Listen to me when I say #
Mercedes Jones: # I'm beautiful in my way #
# 'Cause God makes no mistakes #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# Don't hide yourself in regret #
# Just love yourself and you're set #
Kurt Hummel: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# Don't be a drag, just be a queen #
# Whether you're broke or evergreen #
# You're black, white, beige, chola descent #
# You're Lebanese, you're Orient #
# Whether life's disabilities #
# Left you outcast, bullied or teased #
# Rejoice and love yourself today #
# 'Cause, baby, you were born this way #
Kurt, Mercedes & Tina: # No matter black, white or beige #
# Chola or Orient made #
# I'm on the right track, baby #
# I was born to be brave #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # I'm beautiful in my way #
# 'Cause God makes no mistakes #
Mercedes Jones: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # Don't hide yourself in regret #
Mercedes & Tina: # Just love yourself and you're set #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
New Directions: # Born this way #
# Baby, I was born this way #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was #
New Directions: # Baby, I was born this way #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was born this way #
New Directions: # Don't hide yourself in regret #
# Baby, I was born this way #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, I was #
New Directions: # I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I'm on the right track, baby #
# I was born this way, hey #
# I was born this way, hey, I was born this way, hey #
# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey. #
外部リンク
 AfterEllen.com
 AfterEllen.com
 Glee Wiki
 Life is a Song
 IMDb
 Wikipedia

219. Rumours

放送日:2011年5月3日


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee:
Kurt Hummel: Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!
Ian Brennan: Kurt's back at McKinley, but he's still dating Blaine. Sam used to date Quinn, but she's back with Finn, who used to date Rachel, who's still sort of in love with him— Finn, that is. Santana's in love with Brittany, but she's too scared to say it out loud.
Brittany S. Pierce: But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana Lopez: I honestly don't know what I was thinking.
Ian Brennan: And Britt's back with Artie, anyways. Kids these days.
Sandy Ryerson: I have a question.
Ian Brennan: Sue's bent on destroying the Glee Club before Nationals.
Sue Sylvester: Destroy the Glee Club!
Ian Brennan: She even formed an evil league with nicknames.
Sue Sylvester: The League of Doom.
Dustin Goolsby: I don't think I was listening when you said what our name was.
Terri Del Monico: Is it League or Legion?
Sue Sylvester: Worst henchmen ever.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee!



Brittany S. Pierce: # Fondue for Two! Fondue for Two! #
# That's some hot dish! #
# Fondue for Two! #
Hi, I'm Brittany S. Pierce, and this is my new Internet talk show, Fondue for Two, which combines the two things I like most: hot cheese and talking to people. My first two guests are the school's biggest gossips, Mercedes Jones and Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Shouldn't it be Fondue for Three?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God, that is hot!
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, so let's get down to some hot dish. Um, I heard a rumor that Mr. Kidney the janitor walks around school drinking vodka out of a teapot.
Mercedes Jones: Is this really what they were doing in the '70s?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hot mess Mr. Kidney aside, I want to talk about the rumor about Asian men: not true.
Mercedes Jones: I mean, it's not even good. It tastes the way a baby's diaper smells.
Brittany S. Pierce: I heard a rumor that Santana plays for the other team, and I can confirm that rumor: It's 100% true.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. What?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Brittany, are you serious?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. Look, it's Lord Tubbington. Hi! Hi. This is Lord Tubbington. Say hi to the camera. You want some cheese?
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's disgusting.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's my baby.
Mercedes Jones: So, you're just gonna gonna let him do that?
Brittany S. Pierce: Lord Tubbington's allowed to eat cheese because he's on Atkins. Okay, well, that's all we have time for today. Tune in next week for Fondue for Two. We will be dipping raw meat into boiling chocolate.
# Fondue for Two! #



Rachel Berry: Hey.
Sam Evans: Why are you talking to me?
Rachel Berry: Can't I say hello?
Sam Evans: I guess. It's just Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you would try to steal all of my gold.
Rachel Berry: Okay, uh... anyway, I got you this. I know everyone's always making fun of your lips, but I think they're cute and worth weatherproofing. So, considering that we're both single and I think your lips are cute, I was wondering if you would go to to prom with me?
Sam Evans: As in your date?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Sam Evans: No.
Rachel Berry: No... "No, No" as in...?
Sam Evans: As in no prom.
Rachel Berry: Oh.
Sam Evans: I don't think I'm going.
Rachel Berry: Are you worried that Finn will be jealous?
Sam Evans: Look, you're just not my type, okay, Rachel? So thanks for the lip chap.



Terri Del Monico: I feel like my life finally has purpose. It's so nice to be a part of a cause that's bigger than myself.
Sue Sylvester: Honey Badger, I am so thrilled.
Terri Del Monico: Can I ask why you're dressed like David Bowie?
Sue Sylvester: I'm incognito. We're going deep behind enemy lines. People are starting to sense my weakness. They think I've totally lost my grip.
Barista: Can I help you?
Terri Del Monico: Oh, yes. Can I have a hot tea, please?
Sue Sylvester: I'd just like a large cup of mocha powder. David Bowie's incredibly eccentric.
Barista: Um, we don't take euros.
Sue Sylvester: So, Honey Badger, last week, I had a revelation. Now, as you may or may not know, the Middle East is in chaos. You know what started it all?
Terri Del Monico: No.
Sue Sylvester: A little Web site called Wikileaks. You ever hear of them? Well, they let loose with a couple of rumors. So I told Figgins I wanted to resuscitate The Muckraker.
Terri Del Monico: But the school newspaper was discontinued two years ago, due to lack of interest.



Sue Sylvester: The newspaper is making a comeback at this school, and like print newspapers everywhere, we're leaner and meaner— no longer concerned with facts, fact-checking, integrity or facts. The Muckraker motto? "If I heard it, it's probably true or something."



Terri Del Monico: Sorry, but did you just change disguises?
Sue Sylvester: I'm pretty sure that barista's onto me. Now I'm Ann Coulter. As you may have noticed, I'm coming slightly unhinged.
Patron: Ohio loves you, Ann Coulter!
Sue Sylvester: That's better.
Terri Del Monico: Can I make an observation? You're always trying to destroy Will from inside the Glee Club. But I would like to try getting him out of the Glee Club. Now, I was trolling the Internet last night and I had an idea.
Sue Sylvester: I'll drink to that.



April Rhodes: Excuse me. Do you know where a gal can find a pipin' hot cup of Will Schuester?
Will Schuester: Oh, my God! April! What are you doing here? I thought you were on Broadway!
April Rhodes: I was! My all-white production of The Wiz was a disaster.
Will Schuester: Oh, April, I'm so sorry.
April Rhodes: Don't be! Being publicly humiliated by the New York Times gets me to thinking— why am I weighing myself down with the "Broadway classics"? I should just tell my own story. So I wrote the libretto to Crossrhodes! The April Rhodes Story.
Will Schuester: You're writing a musical?
April Rhodes: Yep. That's why I'm here. So, Will, remember how I bought you your auditorium?
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah.
April Rhodes: Well, I'm gonna need to borrow it cause I'm running a little low on funds.



Becky Jackson: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get your Muckraker here. Extra! Extra! Get your Muckracker here!
Rachel Berry: Hey. I think we should talk about Nationals. We need to do a duet.
Finn Hudson: I don't think that's a good idea.
Rachel Berry: Why are you so concerned with Quinn's feelings when she obviously has no interest in yours?
Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?
Rachel Berry: Haven't you read The Muckraker? It's our school's newspaper. Look at the "Blind Items" column.
Finn Hudson: "What prom queen candidate is spending a lot of time in her closet?" Now that's garbage. Quinn's claustrophobic.
Rachel Berry: No, that's Santana. Read the next one.
Finn Hudson: What the hell is this, dude? "What blondie former cheerleader is having "a secret Moonlight Motel rendezvous - with another big-lipped blondie?"
Sam Evans: Where does it say that?
Finn Hudson: Right on the front page of the school newspaper!
Quinn Fabray: You don't seriously believe this, do you?
Finn Hudson: Well, why shouldn't I? Why wouldn't he do the same thing that I did to him?
Quinn Fabray: Because it's gossip, Finn.
Santana Lopez: This is your fault! You told everyone that I played for another team on your ridiculous melted cheese show.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait. Are you mad? You do play for another team. You were on the Cheerios. And now you're only in the New Directions.
Santana Lopez: And you couldn't have thought of any other way to say that?
Finn Hudson: I swear I'm going to punch your face off!
Sam Evans: Hey, you got a lot of nerve accusing me of cheating when you're the one who snuck in and stole my girl!
Will Schuester: Hey! Hey, Finn, where are you going? Hey, we got rehearsal!
Finn Hudson: Not today!



April Rhodes: Dinner is served.
Will Schuester: I thought you volunteered to make dinner.
April Rhodes: Well, Mama drinks her dinner these days! Honk!
Will Schuester: Uh... Can I be blunt with you, April? I think any show about April Rhodes should be about your emotional journey.
April Rhodes: Oh. Hadn't really thought of that. I forget what a good teacher you are, Will.
Will Schuester: Thanks. And lately, I don't feel like it. I mean, there's just so much drama in the Glee Club right now— more than usual. A lot of whispering and backstabbing and love triangles and questions of sexuality—
April Rhodes: Sounds like your club's got a touch of the Mac.
Will Schuester: The what?
April Rhodes: Fleetwood Mac? They fought all the time! There was affairs and divorces and whispers and gossip. All the stuff that made good bands break up. But they put all that drama to good use and wrote great music.
Will Schuester: You know, I think I might have Rumours on LP somewhere.
April Rhodes: Oh, everybody does. I mean, I don't. I sold mine for drugs. Kidding! Ha! Nope.I actually did that.
Will Schuester: Here we go. You know, I've wanted to do a whole lesson devoted to a single album for a long time. You know, this is a really good idea, April.
April Rhodes: And I'm here to help.



April Rhodes: # Now, here you go again, you say #
# you want your freedom #
# Well who am I to keep you down? #
# It's only right that you should #
# play the way you feel it #
# Listen carefully #
# to the sound #
# of your loneliness #
# Like a heartbeat, drives you mad #
Will Schuester: # Heartbeat... #
April Rhodes: # In the stillness of remembering #
Will Schuester: # Stillness... #
April Rhodes: # what you had #
Will Schuester: # Lonely... #
April Rhodes: # and what you lost #
# And what you had #
# and what you lost #
April & Will: # Thunder only happens when it's raining #
# Players only love you #
# when they're playing #
# I say, women, they will #
# come and they will go #
# When the rain washes you clean you'll know #
# You'll know #
# You'll know #
# You'll know #
Will Schuester: Rumours— a classic record by Fleetwood Mac. One of the greatest albums of all time. Written as the band was breaking apart... to keep it together. Now, this week, we are done with the backstabbing and the gossip, and we're channeling all that energy into working together. So, pick a song from the album, put your own spin on it. Simple as that.



Artie Abrams: What's going on with you and Santana?
Brittany S. Pierce: Nothing.
Artie Abrams: It doesn't sound like nothing. It sounds like something, which is almost always more than nothing.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm down, Artie.
Artie Abrams: Are you cheating on me with her?
Brittany S. Pierce: No, of course not.I mean... I can't. She's a girl. Fooling around with her isn't cheating. It's just friends talking with their tongues super close.
Artie Abrams: Who told you that?
Brittany S. Pierce: Santana.
Artie Abrams: Don't you see that she's manipulating you?
Brittany S. Pierce: That's not cheating either. She told me that.
Artie Abrams: Do you see what's going on here? You're the hottest girl in this school, and I wear saddle shoes on legs that don't work. This shouldn't be happening. Not because I'm in a wheelchair but because I'm obsessed with Angry Birds and my mom cuts my hair.
Brittany S. Pierce: I like your haircut.
Artie Abrams: It's hard enough for me to believe that this is real. If I know that you spend even a little time sharing yourself with someone else... that there's one other person in your life that can provide for you the things that I'm supposed to provide, it's just too much for me to take. And Santana knows that. She's taking advantage of it to break us up.
Brittany S. Pierce: No. Everybody thinks she's a bad person, but she's not.
Artie Abrams: God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?!
Brittany S. Pierce: You were the only person at this school that never called me that!
Artie Abrams: # She broke down and let me in #
# Made me see where I've been #
# Been down one time, been down two times #
# I'm never going back again #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #
# You don't know what it means to win #
# Come down and see me again #
# Been down one time #
# Been down two times #
# Mmm, never going back again #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #



Rachel Berry: Stakeout. So exciting. It's like an episode of Hart to Hart.
Finn Hudson: No, this is not fun or cool.
Rachel Berry: Then why did you agree to do it?
Finn Hudson: Because Quinn cheated on me with Puck, and then she cheated on Sam with me. I just want to be sure.
Rachel Berry: I never understood why you got back with her. I mean, if you can't even trust her.
Finn Hudson: I don't know.
Rachel Berry: I do. Because you forgive your first love anything.
Finn Hudson: Do you believe in that thing called karma?
Rachel Berry: Uh, yeah.
Finn Hudson: Can you explain it to me?
Rachel Berry: Uh, well, it's the law of physics whereby, for example, if you do something to hurt someone, well, then the laws of the universe will work against you until you get hurt. While we're here, have you given any thought to my duet ideas?
Finn Hudson: I can't believe Kurt would do that to Blaine.



Tina Cohen-Chang: What do we know about Sam anyway? I mean, what town is he from? What state? What's his old school like? Maybe he's a serial killer.
Quinn Fabray: You guys, I'm telling you, Kurt wouldn't cheat on Blaine.
Rachel Berry: It's just like the Rumours album. I mean, being apart or on the road is hard for two artists. Performers have this "love the one you're with" mentality. I mean, look at all of us. Look at all the different combinations that we've had. Finnchel, Puckleberry.
Tina Cohen-Chang: McTina Cohen Chang-Chang.
Artie Abrams: Artittany.
Noah Puckerman: Pizes.
Finn Hudson: Guys, we're sitting here squabbling over what? A rumor.
Rachel Berry: Finn's right. We need more information.
Quinn Fabray: I don't want to get into it, but all I'm gonna say... Sam's not gay.



Brittany S. Pierce: God, I'm so sad. Like a sad little panda.
Santana Lopez: Well, that's why I brought you here... to cheer you up. I've been going through that Rumours album and I found the best song that really goes one step past "Landslide" in expressing my feelings for you. My... private feelings.
Brittany S. Pierce: What about him?
Santana Lopez: He's just furniture. Sorry. No offense. Hit it.
# For you... #
# There'll be no more crying #
# For you... #
# The sun will be shining #
# And I feel that when I'm with you #
# It's all right #
# I know it's right #
# And the songbirds are singing #
# Like they know the score #
# And I love you, I love you, I love you #
# Like never before #
# And I wish you all the love #
# In the world #
# But most of all #
# I wish it from myself #
# And the songbirds keep singing #
# Like they know the score #
# And I love you, I love you, I love you #
# Like never before #
# Like never before. #
Brittany S. Pierce: That was beautiful. Okay, so why couldn't you sing that to me in front of everyone now that Artie and I aren't together?
Santana Lopez: No, not-not yet. I'm not ready for that type of public announcement. Ever since that Muckraker thing, people have already started treating me differently. I got asked to join the golf team.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, what if I went first? Come on Fondue for Two. I'll ask you out to prom and I'll tell you how I feel, and all you have to do is say yes.
Santana Lopez: Okay.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.



Rachel Berry: Stop it.
Kurt Hummel: Stop what?
Rachel Berry: I am begging you. Sam is cute, but he's not worth losing Blaine over.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, how I've missed your insanity.
Rachel Berry: He's wearing your jacket, Kurt. I remember that jacket. You wore it April of last year. You said it was your Earth Day jacket because it was made out of recycled hemp. I know how these things work. I remember when Finn and I used to date. Sometimes he would leave his letterman jacket at my house, and I'd wear it to school the next day.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, you need to bone up on your Fleetwood Macology. When they made Rumours, they weren't speaking to each other. Not even "Pass the nondairy creamer." They only spoke about the music. And it was that focus that allowed them to make their masterpiece.
Rachel Berry: You're deflecting.
Kurt Hummel: No, I'm being a team player, and any minute spent on this vicious, hurtful and hateful gossip is a minute taken away from preparing for Nationals.



Finn Hudson: Why would she say that thing about Sam not being gay? She was so sure about it.
Rachel Berry: Well, they did date.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but the way she said it— there was something else going on. The problem with dating Quinn, besides the mood swings, is that she's so... protective about her feelings. You never quite know where you stand with her.
Rachel Berry: Girls like that do that to keep their power.
Finn Hudson: You never did that. I always knew what you were thinking.
Fleetwood Mac: # And if you don't love me now #
# You will never love me again #
# I can still hear you sayin' #
# You would never break the chain #
# Never break the chain. #



Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue, thank you for being my first interview for The Muckraker.
Will Schuester: To be honest, I had no idea you were the journalist type.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I have a talk show on the Internet, and the comments say that my questions are too gossipy. So I joined the school newspaper to learn to ask the more hard-hitting questions.
Will Schuester: That's fantastic, Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: So, question one: boxers or briefs?
Will Schuester: Uh, boxers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cool. Okay, question two: pantyhose or lace panties?
Will Schuester: I just said boxers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, well, that wasn't one of the choices, so I'll just write that you refused to answer the question.
Will Schuester: Brittany, these questions are sort of gossipy.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, what age did you start waxing your back?
Will Schuester: Brittany, I don't think these questions are very appropriate.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, hard-hitting journalism is about asking the questions that people really want to know. Um, we need to address some rumors. How many students have you had affairs with?
Will Schuester: Wait... There's a rumor about that?
Brittany S. Pierce: There probably will be now since you didn't really answer the question.
Will Schuester: None!
Brittany S. Pierce: Is it the truth or are you lying? Like when you didn't give me a straight answer about the lacy panties.
Will Schuester: Brittany, I'm sorry, but I need to work on some songs.
Brittany S. Pierce: Are they songs for April Rhodes' one-woman show?
Will Schuester: Yes.
Brittany S. Pierce: Is it because you're leaving the New Directions?
Will Schuester: What?!
Brittany S. Pierce: Because there's a rumor that you'd rather be on Broadway than coaching the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Brittany, who gave you these questions to ask me?
Brittany S. Pierce: Coach Sylvester said I'm not at liberty to say. She told me this before she finished writing these questions.
Will Schuester: I thought so.



Sue Sylvester: All right, Muckrakers, the rumor mill is up and running. On to lesson two. Making... stuff... up. Jacob, I want you to squeeze this toothpaste into your hand. Now put it back in.
Jacob Ben Israel: Um, I can't.
Sue Sylvester: Exactly.
Azimio Adams: Oh, no, I didn't! Oh!
Sue Sylvester: Fantastic, Azimio. Now my point, ladies and gentlemen, is that once a story is out, it's out forever. You can't put it back in. All right, Muckrakers, we have a deadline. All right, get out of my classroom. Get out of here!
Will Schuester: Brett. Sue, what are you doing? Why are you spreading rumors that I'm leaving McKinley?
Sue Sylvester: Well, William, I'm sure you don't dispute that legendary bratwurst gobbler April Rhodes is in town and you're helping her get back to Broadway. Am I right?
Will Schuester: Of course. But it doesn't mean I'm leaving the school.
Sue Sylvester: Let me ask you something, Will: Why? You know what they say, "Those who can't, teach." Turns out maybe you actually can. Think about that next time you prop your butt chin up on one of those tiny little face toilets. Look at it this way, Will. You'd finally be rid of me.



Becky Jackson: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get you Muckraker here!
Quinn Fabray: I vote for Quinn.
Becky Jackson: Bite me, Fabray.
Quinn Fabray: Finn.
Finn Hudson: Wait, why are you storming? I'm the one who should be storming.
Quinn Fabray: Really? Because the way I see it, I'm the stormer and you should be the stormee. According to today's paper, "Finn and Rachel were seen sitting closely, laughing, talking intimately."
Finn Hudson: We were on a stakeout. What were you doing with him in that motel?
Quinn Fabray: I'm not cheating on you. This time around, I haven't and I won't. You have to learn to trust me.
Finn Hudson: I can't trust you if you won't tell me the truth.
Quinn Fabray: Well, what were you and Rachel doing together, huh?
Finn Hudson: Staking out. That's what you do on a stakeout.
Quinn Fabray: What were you talking about?
Finn Hudson: Glee Club, okay? She wants to do a duet with me. That's all. Trust me.
Quinn Fabray: Well, then I guess we both have to learn to trust each other.
Finn Hudson: I guess so.
Quinn Fabray: And I guess I know what song we'll be singing this week in Glee Club.



Finn & Quinn: # I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to stand 'tween you and love, honey #
# I just want you to feel fine #
# I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to stand 'tween you and love, honey #
# I just want you to feel fine #
# Finally, baby #
# The truth has been told #
# Now you tell me that I'm crazy #
# That's nothing that I didn't know #
# Trying to survive #
# Oh, you say you love me, but you don't know #
# You got me rockin' and a-reelin' #
# Hey, you know what you do #
# Oh, oh, yeah #
# Uh-huh #
# I... #
# I don't want to know. #
Will Schuester: Okay! Terrific job, guys. Um, might want to try to smile a little bit more next time, though.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. It was lovely, but I prefer Quinn's duet performance of "Lucky" with Sam better. Since you and Sam have become a lot closer lately, maybe you guys should do duets together more often.
Artie Abrams: Where is Sam? Quinn and Kurt are both here today, so we know he's not doing the dirty.
Quinn Fabray: I know what you're doing. You want Finn and I to stop singing together so that you can sing with him again.
Rachel Berry: Frankly, yes. Finn and I have amazing proven harmonies. And when it comes to Nationals, I think it makes more sense for him to be paired with me.
Quinn Fabray: Well, it's not happening. Not as long as Finn wants to be with me.
Finn Hudson: Wait, I thought you said this relationship was about trust.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, I trust you. I just don't trust her.
Will Schuester: Quinn, I don't think you can mandate who pairs up for Nationals, all right? Vocal Adrenaline doesn't need any help from us.
Quinn Fabray: I love being here, and I want to win, but my relationship comes first. I'm sorry, but Finn, if you want to be with me, no more songs with her.
Finn Hudson: What?!



Will Schuester: # We took a cab back to my bachelor pad #
# I had a feeling I would see this thing through #
# My doorman Stan, he took you by the hand #
# As he said, "Right this way, you two" #
# But you said #
April Rhodes: # Stanley Glover #
# You were once my lover! #
# It's April! #
# Yeah! I guess I slept with you! #
# Because my name is April Rhodes #
# I've kissed princes and toads #
# And it's a good bet #
# I've slept with you! #
# You! #
Will! Will, oh, that song is fantastic!
Will Schuester: It was amazing progress. I mean, it was emotional, it was funny, it was... It's you.
April Rhodes: Oh, do this with me, Will. Help me take this show to Broadway.
Will Schuester: I'm flattered, but I have to take the kids to Nationals.
April Rhodes: A show choir championship?
Will Schuester: Yes.
April Rhodes: Will, that's their dream. Yes, at one point, it was yours and mine, but look where that got us. We're standing on the exact same stage... wishing that we could have done something bigger.



Brittany S. Pierce: # Fondue for Two! Fondue for Two! #
# That's some hot dish! #
# Fondue for Two! #
Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. I'm Brittany. Welcome to Fondue for Two. My guest today was supposed to be Santana, but she texted about an hour ago, and it just said, "I can't." So, show must go on. Um, I will be interviewing Lord Tubbington. Question one: Do you think The Aristocats is an accurate portrayal of the feline relationship? You know, just because we're doing this interview doesn't mean I'm still not mad at you. 'Cause I know you started smoking again.



Will Schuester: Emma, did you wash those grapes at home?
Emma Pillsbury: I just rinsed them. Yeah, I put the whole bunch in a colander, and I just let the cold water run right over them. For a half hour or so.
Will Schuester: Still, Emma, that's amazing.
Emma Pillsbury: I've been, um, taking my medication for a couple of weeks.
Will Schuester: I'm so proud of you, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: You inspired me, Will— to make a change, to take charge of my own destiny. And now I want the same thing for you.
Will Schuester: Um, I don't understand.
Emma Pillsbury: I snuck in and saw you and April singing the other day. You're good, Will. Really, you have a gift, you know, and if April is offering you the opportunity to use that gift on the big stage, you have to say yes.
Will Schuester: I-I can't see April's show lighting the town on fire.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, but it's a chance, on a real Broadway stage. And who knows who's gonna come and see it, what great notices you might get. You deserve to at least try this, Will.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I... I can't do that to the kids. Not now. We... We've all worked so hard, and we're so close. Ah.
Emma Pillsbury: Why are you crying?
Will Schuester: The kids. You. You all saved my life. Got me out of a terrible marriage. You helped me find my passion again. I just don't want to lose you. But, Emma... I want to go so badly.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. Who is up first today?
Rachel Berry: Signor Schuester, if it's all right with you, I'd like to do my own reinterpretation of my favorite Fleetwood Mac song.
Will Schuester: Great, Rachel. Which one?
Rachel Berry: "Go Your Own Way." It's the song about the painful breakup between Lindsay Buckingham and Stevie Nicks. Traditionally, it's sung by a man, but today, Rachel Berry's gonna put her own feminine twist on it. Hit it.
# Loving you #
# isn't the right thing to do #
# How can I #
# ever change things that I feel? #
# If I could #
# baby I'd give you my world #
# How can I, #
# when you won't take it from me? #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# You can call it another lonely day #
# Another lonely day #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# Tell me why #
# everything turned around #
# Packin up, #
# shacking up, is all you wanna do #
# If I could #
# baby I'd give you my world #
# Open up, #
# everything's waiting for you #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# You can call it another lonely day #
# another lonely day #
# You can go #
# You can go your own way #
Artie Abrams: I love it.
Sam Evans: Brilliant!
Quinn Fabray: Don't you think it's maybe a little inappropriate that you chose to sing a love song to my guy?
Rachel Berry: You're such a hypocrite! You Little Miss Perfect Prom Queen! You're a cheater who cheats in cheap motels with Sam.
Quinn Fabray: Nothing is going on between Sam and I.
Will Schuester: Enough, guys.
Santana Lopez: You know, I blame Sam for all of this. And Rachel, too, I blame her.
Rachel Berry: What did I do?
Santana Lopez: I'm sure you did something.
Lauren Zizes: See, I'm with Santana. I mean, why doesn't Sam have anything to say about this?
Mike Chang: Guilt.
Noah Puckerman: Seriously, dude, what you're doing is not cool. They both have boyfriends.
Sam Evans: Shut up! Look, I'm not messing around with Quinn or Kurt or any one of those guys. They're just helping me.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, is that what we're calling it now?
Will Schuester: Wait. Hold on. How were they helping you out?
Sam Evans: Kurt was bringing me some clothes, and Quinn was helping me baby-sit my little brother and sister.
Finn Hudson: Then why were you in that motel?
Sam Evans: Because that's where I live now. My dad lost his job a few months ago, then we lost our house, so now we live in that motel in one room. Are you all happy? The truth's finally out.



April Rhodes: Thanks for the invite, ladies. You know what I call an afternoon where I'm getting drunk? An afternoon.
Terri Del Monico: Is there protein powder in this margarita?
Sue Sylvester: And a wee bit of placenta.
April Rhodes: Well, I'd like to propose a toast to Terri Schuester, who still cares about her ex-husband enough to call me up and encourage me to ask him for his help.
Terri Del Monico: Mm.
April Rhodes: It put a hm-mm in my behind. But I don't think Will'll be joining me on the tour.
Terri Del Monico: What? Why?
April Rhodes: Aw, he can't leave those kids. Doesn't know how to break it to 'em.
Sue Sylvester: Blowsy Loads, you leave that to me. Tomorrow's Muckraker will include the ultimate blind-item rumor that Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to join you on Broadway.
April Rhodes: That's not true.
Sue Sylvester: It will be. That's the whole point of yellow journalism— turning rumor into fact. And the hard part— breaking the news to the kids— will be over. He'll be free to follow his heart and the stench of your alcohol sweat to New York City and out of my life forever.
April Rhodes: I don't know. Seems awfully shady. And I once became an Avon lady just so I could rob demented seniors.
Sue Sylvester: Let's look at this way— we all agree Will Schuester has no business teaching in a high school. You believe he's too talented, and I just hate him.
Terri Del Monico: And I just want our old apartment back. I'm living in an efficiency with a raccoon in the wall.
Sue Sylvester: More placenta, anyone?



Sam Evans: Um, I'm trying to get my sister to sleep.
Finn Hudson: Dude, please, please. Just let us in.
Stacy Evans: Hi. I'm Stacy.
Rachel Berry: Hi, Stacy. I-I'm Rachel. This is Finn.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Sam Evans: Well, she-she's up now. It beats a cardboard box underneath an underpass, right? We keep the rest of our stuff in my dad's car.
Rachel Berry: This is everything you own?
Sam Evans: We sold everything else.
Stevie Evans: Can we go watch TV?
Sam Evans: Yeah, sure. Keep it low, though. Signor Jensen, next-door, is on the night shift again. You want a snack?
Stevie Evans: All right.
Sam Evans: You, too. Get over there.
Finn Hudson: I... I don't understand. What happened?
Sam Evans: We moved up here from Tennessee, you know, 'cause my dad got a great... job offer, and... the economy went to hell, and it's last ones in, first ones out. You know, we spent all our savings on the move and the down payment on the house. You know, when the bank takes your house, they literally... take it. They come by one morning and kick you out of your own house, just lock you out.
Finn Hudson: Why didn't you tell us what was going on?
Sam Evans: You see how information flies around that school, right? You think everyone would've just treated me the same, after they found out? I'd be even more of a freak. Kurt only found out because... I got a job delivering pizzas at night - and happened to bring one to Dalton.
Finn Hudson: Yeah... He told us. Look, I brought these for you. I know Kurt was trying to help you out, bringing... some of his old clothes, but I don't really think that sequined riding pants are for you. So, uh, it's some of my old stuff.
Sam Evans: Thanks.
Rachel Berry: So... what about... Quinn?
Sam Evans: We go to the same church. Couldn't really hide it from her, and I kind of like having her around to do some girl stuff with Stacy. Mom and Dad are out all day pounding the pavement looking for work, but... Nothing. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to keep on the Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: What? N-No, you can't do that.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, we-we've come so far, and I-I know that it's a rough time right now, but you can't quit.
Sam Evans: You guys don't understand.
Rachel Berry: Yes, we do.
Finn Hudson: Quinn told us you hocked your guitar.
Sam Evans: Did you guys buy this back for me?
Rachel Berry: The whole Glee Club did. Look, Sam, we'll do whatever we can to help, anything to keep you in the Glee Club until you get back on your feet.
Sam Evans: First time I've cried.
Stacy Evans: Don't cry, Sammy.
Rachel Berry: We need you, Sam. Ok? And you need the music.



Jacob Ben Israel: Any comment on the vicious rumor left on the Muckraker website about you and Karofsky doing it in the backseat of a parked car in the Holier Than Thou Cemetery?
Santana Lopez: No comment.
Jacob Ben Israel: Any comment on the fact when I looked up the I. P. address of the person who posted the rumor I found out it was you?
Santana Lopez: My computer was stolen. Look, all I can say is that Dave and I are going strong, and we're very excited about our Prom King and Queen campaign. Vote Santofsky.
Jacob Ben Israel: So you two are in love? Soul mates, so to speak?
Santana Lopez: Yeah. I'd say that was accurate.



Will Schuester: All right, clase.
Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue, is this true?
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, the Muckraker says you're bailing on us to do April Rhodes' big show.
Will Schuester: Guys... if there's anything we've learned from this week's assignment, it's that you can't believe every rumor you hear.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But isn't it your dream to sing on Broadway?
Will Schuester: I have a lot of dreams. My top one... being taking you guys to Nationals.
Quinn Fabray: So you're gonna stay?
Will Schuester: Look, we are going to Nationals, together, and we are going to win.
Sam Evans: Hey, everybody. Kind of wanted to get these guys out of the motel for a little while— I hope it's ok if I brought them.
Will Schuester: Of course, of course. Yeah, come on in.
Sam Evans: I was also hoping that maybe... they could help out with a number today. I have the perfect song I want to sing to them, and don't worry, it's good for the assignment, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: The more the merrier.



New Directions: # Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Stop, stop, stop, stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Stop, stop, stop, stop... #
Sam Evans: # If you wake up and don't want to smile #
Sam & Quinn: # If it takes just a little while #
Sam Evans: # Open your eyes, and look at the day. #
New Directions: # You'll see things in a different way #
# Don't #
# Stop #
# Thinking about tomorrow #
# Don't stop #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll be #
# Better than before #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Yesterday's gone #
Finn Hudson: # All I want is to see you smile #
Quinn Fabray: # If it takes just a little while #
Finn Hudson: # I know you don't believe that it's true #
Finn & Rachel: # I never meant any harm to you #
New Directions: # Don't stop #
# Oh... #
# Thinking about tomorrow #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll be #
# Better than before #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look back...#
# Don't you look back #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look, don't you look, no #
# Back #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't, don't, don't you look back #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Thinking about tomorrow. #


Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed on Glee:
Kurt Hummel: Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!
Ian Brennan: Kurt's back at McKinley, but he's still dating Blaine. Sam used to date Quinn, but she's back with Finn, who used to date Rachel, who's still sort of in love with him— Finn, that is. Santana's in love with Brittany, but she's too scared to say it out loud.
Brittany S. Pierce: But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana Lopez: I honestly don't know what I was thinking.
Ian Brennan: And Britt's back with Artie, anyways. Kids these days.
Sandy Ryerson: I have a question.
Ian Brennan: Sue's bent on destroying the Glee Club before Nationals.
Sue Sylvester: Destroy the Glee Club!
Ian Brennan: She even formed an evil league with nicknames.
Sue Sylvester: The League of Doom.
Dustin Goolsby: I don't think I was listening when you said what our name was.
Terri Del Monico: Is it League or Legion?
Sue Sylvester: Worst henchmen ever.
Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee!



Brittany S. Pierce: # Fondue for Two! Fondue for Two! #
# That's some hot dish! #
# Fondue for Two! #
Hi, I'm Brittany S. Pierce, and this is my new Internet talk show, Fondue for Two, which combines the two things I like most: hot cheese and talking to people. My first two guests are the school's biggest gossips, Mercedes Jones and Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Shouldn't it be Fondue for Three?
Mercedes Jones: Oh, my God, that is hot!
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, so let's get down to some hot dish. Um, I heard a rumor that Mr. Kidney the janitor walks around school drinking vodka out of a teapot.
Mercedes Jones: Is this really what they were doing in the '70s?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hot mess Mr. Kidney aside, I want to talk about the rumor about Asian men: not true.
Mercedes Jones: I mean, it's not even good. It tastes the way a baby's diaper smells.
Brittany S. Pierce: I heard a rumor that Santana plays for the other team, and I can confirm that rumor: It's 100% true.
Mercedes Jones: Wait. What?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Brittany, are you serious?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes. Look, it's Lord Tubbington. Hi! Hi. This is Lord Tubbington. Say hi to the camera. You want some cheese?
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's disgusting.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's my baby.
Mercedes Jones: So, you're just gonna gonna let him do that?
Brittany S. Pierce: Lord Tubbington's allowed to eat cheese because he's on Atkins. Okay, well, that's all we have time for today. Tune in next week for Fondue for Two. We will be dipping raw meat into boiling chocolate.
# Fondue for Two! #



Rachel Berry: Hey.
Sam Evans: Why are you talking to me?
Rachel Berry: Can't I say hello?
Sam Evans: I guess. It's just Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you would try to steal all of my gold.
Rachel Berry: Okay, uh... anyway, I got you this. I know everyone's always making fun of your lips, but I think they're cute and worth weatherproofing. So, considering that we're both single and I think your lips are cute, I was wondering if you would go to to prom with me?
Sam Evans: As in your date?
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
Sam Evans: No.
Rachel Berry: No... "No, No" as in...?
Sam Evans: As in no prom.
Rachel Berry: Oh.
Sam Evans: I don't think I'm going.
Rachel Berry: Are you worried that Finn will be jealous?
Sam Evans: Look, you're just not my type, okay, Rachel? So thanks for the lip chap.



Terri Del Monico: I feel like my life finally has purpose. It's so nice to be a part of a cause that's bigger than myself.
Sue Sylvester: Honey Badger, I am so thrilled.
Terri Del Monico: Can I ask why you're dressed like David Bowie?
Sue Sylvester: I'm incognito. We're going deep behind enemy lines. People are starting to sense my weakness. They think I've totally lost my grip.
Barista: Can I help you?
Terri Del Monico: Oh, yes. Can I have a hot tea, please?
Sue Sylvester: I'd just like a large cup of mocha powder. David Bowie's incredibly eccentric.
Barista: Um, we don't take euros.
Sue Sylvester: So, Honey Badger, last week, I had a revelation. Now, as you may or may not know, the Middle East is in chaos. You know what started it all?
Terri Del Monico: No.
Sue Sylvester: A little Web site called Wikileaks. You ever hear of them? Well, they let loose with a couple of rumors. So I told Figgins I wanted to resuscitate The Muckraker.
Terri Del Monico: But the school newspaper was discontinued two years ago, due to lack of interest.



Sue Sylvester: The newspaper is making a comeback at this school, and like print newspapers everywhere, we're leaner and meaner— no longer concerned with facts, fact-checking, integrity or facts. The Muckraker motto? "If I heard it, it's probably true or something."



Terri Del Monico: Sorry, but did you just change disguises?
Sue Sylvester: I'm pretty sure that barista's onto me. Now I'm Ann Coulter. As you may have noticed, I'm coming slightly unhinged.
Patron: Ohio loves you, Ann Coulter!
Sue Sylvester: That's better.
Terri Del Monico: Can I make an observation? You're always trying to destroy Will from inside the Glee Club. But I would like to try getting him out of the Glee Club. Now, I was trolling the Internet last night and I had an idea.
Sue Sylvester: I'll drink to that.



April Rhodes: Excuse me. Do you know where a gal can find a pipin' hot cup of Will Schuester?
Will Schuester: Oh, my God! April! What are you doing here? I thought you were on Broadway!
April Rhodes: I was! My all-white production of The Wiz was a disaster.
Will Schuester: Oh, April, I'm so sorry.
April Rhodes: Don't be! Being publicly humiliated by the New York Times gets me to thinking— why am I weighing myself down with the "Broadway classics"? I should just tell my own story. So I wrote the libretto to Crossrhodes! The April Rhodes Story.
Will Schuester: You're writing a musical?
April Rhodes: Yep. That's why I'm here. So, Will, remember how I bought you your auditorium?
Will Schuester: Oh, yeah.
April Rhodes: Well, I'm gonna need to borrow it cause I'm running a little low on funds.



Becky Jackson: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get your Muckraker here. Extra! Extra! Get your Muckracker here!
Rachel Berry: Hey. I think we should talk about Nationals. We need to do a duet.
Finn Hudson: I don't think that's a good idea.
Rachel Berry: Why are you so concerned with Quinn's feelings when she obviously has no interest in yours?
Finn Hudson: What are you talking about?
Rachel Berry: Haven't you read The Muckraker? It's our school's newspaper. Look at the "Blind Items" column.
Finn Hudson: "What prom queen candidate is spending a lot of time in her closet?" Now that's garbage. Quinn's claustrophobic.
Rachel Berry: No, that's Santana. Read the next one.
Finn Hudson: What the hell is this, dude? "What blondie former cheerleader is having "a secret Moonlight Motel rendezvous - with another big-lipped blondie?"
Sam Evans: Where does it say that?
Finn Hudson: Right on the front page of the school newspaper!
Quinn Fabray: You don't seriously believe this, do you?
Finn Hudson: Well, why shouldn't I? Why wouldn't he do the same thing that I did to him?
Quinn Fabray: Because it's gossip, Finn.
Santana Lopez: This is your fault! You told everyone that I played for another team on your ridiculous melted cheese show.
Brittany S. Pierce: Wait. Are you mad? You do play for another team. You were on the Cheerios. And now you're only in the New Directions.
Santana Lopez: And you couldn't have thought of any other way to say that?
Finn Hudson: I swear I'm going to punch your face off!
Sam Evans: Hey, you got a lot of nerve accusing me of cheating when you're the one who snuck in and stole my girl!
Will Schuester: Hey! Hey, Finn, where are you going? Hey, we got rehearsal!
Finn Hudson: Not today!



April Rhodes: Dinner is served.
Will Schuester: I thought you volunteered to make dinner.
April Rhodes: Well, Mama drinks her dinner these days! Honk!
Will Schuester: Uh... Can I be blunt with you, April? I think any show about April Rhodes should be about your emotional journey.
April Rhodes: Oh. Hadn't really thought of that. I forget what a good teacher you are, Will.
Will Schuester: Thanks. And lately, I don't feel like it. I mean, there's just so much drama in the Glee Club right now— more than usual. A lot of whispering and backstabbing and love triangles and questions of sexuality—
April Rhodes: Sounds like your club's got a touch of the Mac.
Will Schuester: The what?
April Rhodes: Fleetwood Mac? They fought all the time! There was affairs and divorces and whispers and gossip. All the stuff that made good bands break up. But they put all that drama to good use and wrote great music.
Will Schuester: You know, I think I might have Rumours on LP somewhere.
April Rhodes: Oh, everybody does. I mean, I don't. I sold mine for drugs. Kidding! Ha! Nope.I actually did that.
Will Schuester: Here we go. You know, I've wanted to do a whole lesson devoted to a single album for a long time. You know, this is a really good idea, April.
April Rhodes: And I'm here to help.



April Rhodes: # Now, here you go again, you say #
# you want your freedom #
# Well who am I to keep you down? #
# It's only right that you should #
# play the way you feel it #
# Listen carefully #
# to the sound #
# of your loneliness #
# Like a heartbeat, drives you mad #
Will Schuester: # Heartbeat... #
April Rhodes: # In the stillness of remembering #
Will Schuester: # Stillness... #
April Rhodes: # what you had #
Will Schuester: # Lonely... #
April Rhodes: # and what you lost #
# And what you had #
# and what you lost #
April & Will: # Thunder only happens when it's raining #
# Players only love you #
# when they're playing #
# I say, women, they will #
# come and they will go #
# When the rain washes you clean you'll know #
# You'll know #
# You'll know #
# You'll know #
Will Schuester: Rumours— a classic record by Fleetwood Mac. One of the greatest albums of all time. Written as the band was breaking apart... to keep it together. Now, this week, we are done with the backstabbing and the gossip, and we're channeling all that energy into working together. So, pick a song from the album, put your own spin on it. Simple as that.



Artie Abrams: What's going on with you and Santana?
Brittany S. Pierce: Nothing.
Artie Abrams: It doesn't sound like nothing. It sounds like something, which is almost always more than nothing.
Brittany S. Pierce: I'm down, Artie.
Artie Abrams: Are you cheating on me with her?
Brittany S. Pierce: No, of course not.I mean... I can't. She's a girl. Fooling around with her isn't cheating. It's just friends talking with their tongues super close.
Artie Abrams: Who told you that?
Brittany S. Pierce: Santana.
Artie Abrams: Don't you see that she's manipulating you?
Brittany S. Pierce: That's not cheating either. She told me that.
Artie Abrams: Do you see what's going on here? You're the hottest girl in this school, and I wear saddle shoes on legs that don't work. This shouldn't be happening. Not because I'm in a wheelchair but because I'm obsessed with Angry Birds and my mom cuts my hair.
Brittany S. Pierce: I like your haircut.
Artie Abrams: It's hard enough for me to believe that this is real. If I know that you spend even a little time sharing yourself with someone else... that there's one other person in your life that can provide for you the things that I'm supposed to provide, it's just too much for me to take. And Santana knows that. She's taking advantage of it to break us up.
Brittany S. Pierce: No. Everybody thinks she's a bad person, but she's not.
Artie Abrams: God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?!
Brittany S. Pierce: You were the only person at this school that never called me that!
Artie Abrams: # She broke down and let me in #
# Made me see where I've been #
# Been down one time, been down two times #
# I'm never going back again #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #
# You don't know what it means to win #
# Come down and see me again #
# Been down one time #
# Been down two times #
# Mmm, never going back again #
# Mmm... mmm-mmm... #



Rachel Berry: Stakeout. So exciting. It's like an episode of Hart to Hart.
Finn Hudson: No, this is not fun or cool.
Rachel Berry: Then why did you agree to do it?
Finn Hudson: Because Quinn cheated on me with Puck, and then she cheated on Sam with me. I just want to be sure.
Rachel Berry: I never understood why you got back with her. I mean, if you can't even trust her.
Finn Hudson: I don't know.
Rachel Berry: I do. Because you forgive your first love anything.
Finn Hudson: Do you believe in that thing called karma?
Rachel Berry: Uh, yeah.
Finn Hudson: Can you explain it to me?
Rachel Berry: Uh, well, it's the law of physics whereby, for example, if you do something to hurt someone, well, then the laws of the universe will work against you until you get hurt. While we're here, have you given any thought to my duet ideas?
Finn Hudson: I can't believe Kurt would do that to Blaine.



Tina Cohen-Chang: What do we know about Sam anyway? I mean, what town is he from? What state? What's his old school like? Maybe he's a serial killer.
Quinn Fabray: You guys, I'm telling you, Kurt wouldn't cheat on Blaine.
Rachel Berry: It's just like the Rumours album. I mean, being apart or on the road is hard for two artists. Performers have this "love the one you're with" mentality. I mean, look at all of us. Look at all the different combinations that we've had. Finnchel, Puckleberry.
Tina Cohen-Chang: McTina Cohen Chang-Chang.
Artie Abrams: Artittany.
Noah Puckerman: Pizes.
Finn Hudson: Guys, we're sitting here squabbling over what? A rumor.
Rachel Berry: Finn's right. We need more information.
Quinn Fabray: I don't want to get into it, but all I'm gonna say... Sam's not gay.



Brittany S. Pierce: God, I'm so sad. Like a sad little panda.
Santana Lopez: Well, that's why I brought you here... to cheer you up. I've been going through that Rumours album and I found the best song that really goes one step past "Landslide" in expressing my feelings for you. My... private feelings.
Brittany S. Pierce: What about him?
Santana Lopez: He's just furniture. Sorry. No offense. Hit it.
# For you... #
# There'll be no more crying #
# For you... #
# The sun will be shining #
# And I feel that when I'm with you #
# It's all right #
# I know it's right #
# And the songbirds are singing #
# Like they know the score #
# And I love you, I love you, I love you #
# Like never before #
# And I wish you all the love #
# In the world #
# But most of all #
# I wish it from myself #
# And the songbirds keep singing #
# Like they know the score #
# And I love you, I love you, I love you #
# Like never before #
# Like never before. #
Brittany S. Pierce: That was beautiful. Okay, so why couldn't you sing that to me in front of everyone now that Artie and I aren't together?
Santana Lopez: No, not-not yet. I'm not ready for that type of public announcement. Ever since that Muckraker thing, people have already started treating me differently. I got asked to join the golf team.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, what if I went first? Come on Fondue for Two. I'll ask you out to prom and I'll tell you how I feel, and all you have to do is say yes.
Santana Lopez: Okay.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.



Rachel Berry: Stop it.
Kurt Hummel: Stop what?
Rachel Berry: I am begging you. Sam is cute, but he's not worth losing Blaine over.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, how I've missed your insanity.
Rachel Berry: He's wearing your jacket, Kurt. I remember that jacket. You wore it April of last year. You said it was your Earth Day jacket because it was made out of recycled hemp. I know how these things work. I remember when Finn and I used to date. Sometimes he would leave his letterman jacket at my house, and I'd wear it to school the next day.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, you need to bone up on your Fleetwood Macology. When they made Rumours, they weren't speaking to each other. Not even "Pass the nondairy creamer." They only spoke about the music. And it was that focus that allowed them to make their masterpiece.
Rachel Berry: You're deflecting.
Kurt Hummel: No, I'm being a team player, and any minute spent on this vicious, hurtful and hateful gossip is a minute taken away from preparing for Nationals.



Finn Hudson: Why would she say that thing about Sam not being gay? She was so sure about it.
Rachel Berry: Well, they did date.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, but the way she said it— there was something else going on. The problem with dating Quinn, besides the mood swings, is that she's so... protective about her feelings. You never quite know where you stand with her.
Rachel Berry: Girls like that do that to keep their power.
Finn Hudson: You never did that. I always knew what you were thinking.
Fleetwood Mac: # And if you don't love me now #
# You will never love me again #
# I can still hear you sayin' #
# You would never break the chain #
# Never break the chain. #



Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue, thank you for being my first interview for The Muckraker.
Will Schuester: To be honest, I had no idea you were the journalist type.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I have a talk show on the Internet, and the comments say that my questions are too gossipy. So I joined the school newspaper to learn to ask the more hard-hitting questions.
Will Schuester: That's fantastic, Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: So, question one: boxers or briefs?
Will Schuester: Uh, boxers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cool. Okay, question two: pantyhose or lace panties?
Will Schuester: I just said boxers.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, well, that wasn't one of the choices, so I'll just write that you refused to answer the question.
Will Schuester: Brittany, these questions are sort of gossipy.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, what age did you start waxing your back?
Will Schuester: Brittany, I don't think these questions are very appropriate.
Brittany S. Pierce: Well, hard-hitting journalism is about asking the questions that people really want to know. Um, we need to address some rumors. How many students have you had affairs with?
Will Schuester: Wait... There's a rumor about that?
Brittany S. Pierce: There probably will be now since you didn't really answer the question.
Will Schuester: None!
Brittany S. Pierce: Is it the truth or are you lying? Like when you didn't give me a straight answer about the lacy panties.
Will Schuester: Brittany, I'm sorry, but I need to work on some songs.
Brittany S. Pierce: Are they songs for April Rhodes' one-woman show?
Will Schuester: Yes.
Brittany S. Pierce: Is it because you're leaving the New Directions?
Will Schuester: What?!
Brittany S. Pierce: Because there's a rumor that you'd rather be on Broadway than coaching the Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Brittany, who gave you these questions to ask me?
Brittany S. Pierce: Coach Sylvester said I'm not at liberty to say. She told me this before she finished writing these questions.
Will Schuester: I thought so.



Sue Sylvester: All right, Muckrakers, the rumor mill is up and running. On to lesson two. Making... stuff... up. Jacob, I want you to squeeze this toothpaste into your hand. Now put it back in.
Jacob Ben Israel: Um, I can't.
Sue Sylvester: Exactly.
Azimio Adams: Oh, no, I didn't! Oh!
Sue Sylvester: Fantastic, Azimio. Now my point, ladies and gentlemen, is that once a story is out, it's out forever. You can't put it back in. All right, Muckrakers, we have a deadline. All right, get out of my classroom. Get out of here!
Will Schuester: Brett. Sue, what are you doing? Why are you spreading rumors that I'm leaving McKinley?
Sue Sylvester: Well, William, I'm sure you don't dispute that legendary bratwurst gobbler April Rhodes is in town and you're helping her get back to Broadway. Am I right?
Will Schuester: Of course. But it doesn't mean I'm leaving the school.
Sue Sylvester: Let me ask you something, Will: Why? You know what they say, "Those who can't, teach." Turns out maybe you actually can. Think about that next time you prop your butt chin up on one of those tiny little face toilets. Look at it this way, Will. You'd finally be rid of me.



Becky Jackson: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get you Muckraker here!
Quinn Fabray: I vote for Quinn.
Becky Jackson: Bite me, Fabray.
Quinn Fabray: Finn.
Finn Hudson: Wait, why are you storming? I'm the one who should be storming.
Quinn Fabray: Really? Because the way I see it, I'm the stormer and you should be the stormee. According to today's paper, "Finn and Rachel were seen sitting closely, laughing, talking intimately."
Finn Hudson: We were on a stakeout. What were you doing with him in that motel?
Quinn Fabray: I'm not cheating on you. This time around, I haven't and I won't. You have to learn to trust me.
Finn Hudson: I can't trust you if you won't tell me the truth.
Quinn Fabray: Well, what were you and Rachel doing together, huh?
Finn Hudson: Staking out. That's what you do on a stakeout.
Quinn Fabray: What were you talking about?
Finn Hudson: Glee Club, okay? She wants to do a duet with me. That's all. Trust me.
Quinn Fabray: Well, then I guess we both have to learn to trust each other.
Finn Hudson: I guess so.
Quinn Fabray: And I guess I know what song we'll be singing this week in Glee Club.



Finn & Quinn: # I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to stand 'tween you and love, honey #
# I just want you to feel fine #
# I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps #
# Right on walking on down the line #
# I don't want to stand 'tween you and love, honey #
# I just want you to feel fine #
# Finally, baby #
# The truth has been told #
# Now you tell me that I'm crazy #
# That's nothing that I didn't know #
# Trying to survive #
# Oh, you say you love me, but you don't know #
# You got me rockin' and a-reelin' #
# Hey, you know what you do #
# Oh, oh, yeah #
# Uh-huh #
# I... #
# I don't want to know. #
Will Schuester: Okay! Terrific job, guys. Um, might want to try to smile a little bit more next time, though.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. It was lovely, but I prefer Quinn's duet performance of "Lucky" with Sam better. Since you and Sam have become a lot closer lately, maybe you guys should do duets together more often.
Artie Abrams: Where is Sam? Quinn and Kurt are both here today, so we know he's not doing the dirty.
Quinn Fabray: I know what you're doing. You want Finn and I to stop singing together so that you can sing with him again.
Rachel Berry: Frankly, yes. Finn and I have amazing proven harmonies. And when it comes to Nationals, I think it makes more sense for him to be paired with me.
Quinn Fabray: Well, it's not happening. Not as long as Finn wants to be with me.
Finn Hudson: Wait, I thought you said this relationship was about trust.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, I trust you. I just don't trust her.
Will Schuester: Quinn, I don't think you can mandate who pairs up for Nationals, all right? Vocal Adrenaline doesn't need any help from us.
Quinn Fabray: I love being here, and I want to win, but my relationship comes first. I'm sorry, but Finn, if you want to be with me, no more songs with her.
Finn Hudson: What?!



Will Schuester: # We took a cab back to my bachelor pad #
# I had a feeling I would see this thing through #
# My doorman Stan, he took you by the hand #
# As he said, "Right this way, you two" #
# But you said #
April Rhodes: # Stanley Glover #
# You were once my lover! #
# It's April! #
# Yeah! I guess I slept with you! #
# Because my name is April Rhodes #
# I've kissed princes and toads #
# And it's a good bet #
# I've slept with you! #
# You! #
Will! Will, oh, that song is fantastic!
Will Schuester: It was amazing progress. I mean, it was emotional, it was funny, it was... It's you.
April Rhodes: Oh, do this with me, Will. Help me take this show to Broadway.
Will Schuester: I'm flattered, but I have to take the kids to Nationals.
April Rhodes: A show choir championship?
Will Schuester: Yes.
April Rhodes: Will, that's their dream. Yes, at one point, it was yours and mine, but look where that got us. We're standing on the exact same stage... wishing that we could have done something bigger.



Brittany S. Pierce: # Fondue for Two! Fondue for Two! #
# That's some hot dish! #
# Fondue for Two! #
Brittany S. Pierce: Hi. I'm Brittany. Welcome to Fondue for Two. My guest today was supposed to be Santana, but she texted about an hour ago, and it just said, "I can't." So, show must go on. Um, I will be interviewing Lord Tubbington. Question one: Do you think The Aristocats is an accurate portrayal of the feline relationship? You know, just because we're doing this interview doesn't mean I'm still not mad at you. 'Cause I know you started smoking again.



Will Schuester: Emma, did you wash those grapes at home?
Emma Pillsbury: I just rinsed them. Yeah, I put the whole bunch in a colander, and I just let the cold water run right over them. For a half hour or so.
Will Schuester: Still, Emma, that's amazing.
Emma Pillsbury: I've been, um, taking my medication for a couple of weeks.
Will Schuester: I'm so proud of you, Emma.
Emma Pillsbury: You inspired me, Will— to make a change, to take charge of my own destiny. And now I want the same thing for you.
Will Schuester: Um, I don't understand.
Emma Pillsbury: I snuck in and saw you and April singing the other day. You're good, Will. Really, you have a gift, you know, and if April is offering you the opportunity to use that gift on the big stage, you have to say yes.
Will Schuester: I-I can't see April's show lighting the town on fire.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, but it's a chance, on a real Broadway stage. And who knows who's gonna come and see it, what great notices you might get. You deserve to at least try this, Will.
Will Schuester: Yeah. I... I can't do that to the kids. Not now. We... We've all worked so hard, and we're so close. Ah.
Emma Pillsbury: Why are you crying?
Will Schuester: The kids. You. You all saved my life. Got me out of a terrible marriage. You helped me find my passion again. I just don't want to lose you. But, Emma... I want to go so badly.



Will Schuester: All right, guys. Who is up first today?
Rachel Berry: Signor Schuester, if it's all right with you, I'd like to do my own reinterpretation of my favorite Fleetwood Mac song.
Will Schuester: Great, Rachel. Which one?
Rachel Berry: "Go Your Own Way." It's the song about the painful breakup between Lindsay Buckingham and Stevie Nicks. Traditionally, it's sung by a man, but today, Rachel Berry's gonna put her own feminine twist on it. Hit it.
# Loving you #
# isn't the right thing to do #
# How can I #
# ever change things that I feel? #
# If I could #
# baby I'd give you my world #
# How can I, #
# when you won't take it from me? #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# You can call it another lonely day #
# Another lonely day #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# Tell me why #
# everything turned around #
# Packin up, #
# shacking up, is all you wanna do #
# If I could #
# baby I'd give you my world #
# Open up, #
# everything's waiting for you #
# You can go your own way #
# go your own way #
# You can call it another lonely day #
# another lonely day #
# You can go #
# You can go your own way #
Artie Abrams: I love it.
Sam Evans: Brilliant!
Quinn Fabray: Don't you think it's maybe a little inappropriate that you chose to sing a love song to my guy?
Rachel Berry: You're such a hypocrite! You Little Miss Perfect Prom Queen! You're a cheater who cheats in cheap motels with Sam.
Quinn Fabray: Nothing is going on between Sam and I.
Will Schuester: Enough, guys.
Santana Lopez: You know, I blame Sam for all of this. And Rachel, too, I blame her.
Rachel Berry: What did I do?
Santana Lopez: I'm sure you did something.
Lauren Zizes: See, I'm with Santana. I mean, why doesn't Sam have anything to say about this?
Mike Chang: Guilt.
Noah Puckerman: Seriously, dude, what you're doing is not cool. They both have boyfriends.
Sam Evans: Shut up! Look, I'm not messing around with Quinn or Kurt or any one of those guys. They're just helping me.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, is that what we're calling it now?
Will Schuester: Wait. Hold on. How were they helping you out?
Sam Evans: Kurt was bringing me some clothes, and Quinn was helping me baby-sit my little brother and sister.
Finn Hudson: Then why were you in that motel?
Sam Evans: Because that's where I live now. My dad lost his job a few months ago, then we lost our house, so now we live in that motel in one room. Are you all happy? The truth's finally out.



April Rhodes: Thanks for the invite, ladies. You know what I call an afternoon where I'm getting drunk? An afternoon.
Terri Del Monico: Is there protein powder in this margarita?
Sue Sylvester: And a wee bit of placenta.
April Rhodes: Well, I'd like to propose a toast to Terri Schuester, who still cares about her ex-husband enough to call me up and encourage me to ask him for his help.
Terri Del Monico: Mm.
April Rhodes: It put a hm-mm in my behind. But I don't think Will'll be joining me on the tour.
Terri Del Monico: What? Why?
April Rhodes: Aw, he can't leave those kids. Doesn't know how to break it to 'em.
Sue Sylvester: Blowsy Loads, you leave that to me. Tomorrow's Muckraker will include the ultimate blind-item rumor that Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to join you on Broadway.
April Rhodes: That's not true.
Sue Sylvester: It will be. That's the whole point of yellow journalism— turning rumor into fact. And the hard part— breaking the news to the kids— will be over. He'll be free to follow his heart and the stench of your alcohol sweat to New York City and out of my life forever.
April Rhodes: I don't know. Seems awfully shady. And I once became an Avon lady just so I could rob demented seniors.
Sue Sylvester: Let's look at this way— we all agree Will Schuester has no business teaching in a high school. You believe he's too talented, and I just hate him.
Terri Del Monico: And I just want our old apartment back. I'm living in an efficiency with a raccoon in the wall.
Sue Sylvester: More placenta, anyone?



Sam Evans: Um, I'm trying to get my sister to sleep.
Finn Hudson: Dude, please, please. Just let us in.
Stacy Evans: Hi. I'm Stacy.
Rachel Berry: Hi, Stacy. I-I'm Rachel. This is Finn.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Sam Evans: Well, she-she's up now. It beats a cardboard box underneath an underpass, right? We keep the rest of our stuff in my dad's car.
Rachel Berry: This is everything you own?
Sam Evans: We sold everything else.
Stevie Evans: Can we go watch TV?
Sam Evans: Yeah, sure. Keep it low, though. Signor Jensen, next-door, is on the night shift again. You want a snack?
Stevie Evans: All right.
Sam Evans: You, too. Get over there.
Finn Hudson: I... I don't understand. What happened?
Sam Evans: We moved up here from Tennessee, you know, 'cause my dad got a great... job offer, and... the economy went to hell, and it's last ones in, first ones out. You know, we spent all our savings on the move and the down payment on the house. You know, when the bank takes your house, they literally... take it. They come by one morning and kick you out of your own house, just lock you out.
Finn Hudson: Why didn't you tell us what was going on?
Sam Evans: You see how information flies around that school, right? You think everyone would've just treated me the same, after they found out? I'd be even more of a freak. Kurt only found out because... I got a job delivering pizzas at night - and happened to bring one to Dalton.
Finn Hudson: Yeah... He told us. Look, I brought these for you. I know Kurt was trying to help you out, bringing... some of his old clothes, but I don't really think that sequined riding pants are for you. So, uh, it's some of my old stuff.
Sam Evans: Thanks.
Rachel Berry: So... what about... Quinn?
Sam Evans: We go to the same church. Couldn't really hide it from her, and I kind of like having her around to do some girl stuff with Stacy. Mom and Dad are out all day pounding the pavement looking for work, but... Nothing. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to keep on the Glee Club.
Finn Hudson: What? N-No, you can't do that.
Rachel Berry: Yeah, we-we've come so far, and I-I know that it's a rough time right now, but you can't quit.
Sam Evans: You guys don't understand.
Rachel Berry: Yes, we do.
Finn Hudson: Quinn told us you hocked your guitar.
Sam Evans: Did you guys buy this back for me?
Rachel Berry: The whole Glee Club did. Look, Sam, we'll do whatever we can to help, anything to keep you in the Glee Club until you get back on your feet.
Sam Evans: First time I've cried.
Stacy Evans: Don't cry, Sammy.
Rachel Berry: We need you, Sam. Ok? And you need the music.



Jacob Ben Israel: Any comment on the vicious rumor left on the Muckraker website about you and Karofsky doing it in the backseat of a parked car in the Holier Than Thou Cemetery?
Santana Lopez: No comment.
Jacob Ben Israel: Any comment on the fact when I looked up the I. P. address of the person who posted the rumor I found out it was you?
Santana Lopez: My computer was stolen. Look, all I can say is that Dave and I are going strong, and we're very excited about our Prom King and Queen campaign. Vote Santofsky.
Jacob Ben Israel: So you two are in love? Soul mates, so to speak?
Santana Lopez: Yeah. I'd say that was accurate.



Will Schuester: All right, clase.
Mercedes Jones: Mr. Schue, is this true?
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, the Muckraker says you're bailing on us to do April Rhodes' big show.
Will Schuester: Guys... if there's anything we've learned from this week's assignment, it's that you can't believe every rumor you hear.
Tina Cohen-Chang: But isn't it your dream to sing on Broadway?
Will Schuester: I have a lot of dreams. My top one... being taking you guys to Nationals.
Quinn Fabray: So you're gonna stay?
Will Schuester: Look, we are going to Nationals, together, and we are going to win.
Sam Evans: Hey, everybody. Kind of wanted to get these guys out of the motel for a little while— I hope it's ok if I brought them.
Will Schuester: Of course, of course. Yeah, come on in.
Sam Evans: I was also hoping that maybe... they could help out with a number today. I have the perfect song I want to sing to them, and don't worry, it's good for the assignment, Mr. Schue.
Will Schuester: The more the merrier.



New Directions: # Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Stop, stop, stop, stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Stop, stop, stop, stop... #
Sam Evans: # If you wake up and don't want to smile #
Sam & Quinn: # If it takes just a little while #
Sam Evans: # Open your eyes, and look at the day. #
New Directions: # You'll see things in a different way #
# Don't #
# Stop #
# Thinking about tomorrow #
# Don't stop #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll be #
# Better than before #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Yesterday's gone #
Finn Hudson: # All I want is to see you smile #
Quinn Fabray: # If it takes just a little while #
Finn Hudson: # I know you don't believe that it's true #
Finn & Rachel: # I never meant any harm to you #
New Directions: # Don't stop #
# Oh... #
# Thinking about tomorrow #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# It'll soon be here #
# It'll be #
# Better than before #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Yesterday's gone #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look back...#
# Don't you look back #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look, don't you look, no #
# Back #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't you look back #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh #
# Don't you look back #
# Don't, don't, don't you look back #
# Don't... stop #
# Don't... stop #
# Thinking about tomorrow. #
外部リンク
 AfterEllen.com
 AfterEllen.com
 IMDb
 Glee Wiki
 Wikipedia

220. Prom Queen

放送日:2011年5月10日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Prom's coming up and Quinn's desperate to win queen so she can hold on to Finn who still sort of has eyes for Rachel. But Zizes also wants to be queen and Puck's up for king and Karofsky and Santana want to win too 'cause they both got a secret they'd like to keep.
Santana Lopez: Have you ever heard of the term "beards"?
Ian Brennan: Artie and Brittany were BF and GF but he got mad and said she was stupid and now they're not BF and GF.
Brittany S. Pierce: You were the only person at this school that never called me that.
Ian Brennan: Can you believe that? And that's what you missed on Glee.



Jacob Ben Israel: Hi everyone. It's junior prom minus six days here at McKinley and today I'm joined by Junior Prom King candidate Noah Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: I prefer Puck.
Jacob Ben Israel: So Noah can I get a comment on the recent poll number that put the Fabray/Hudson ticket ten points above you and Zizes... AKA the "Road Warriors."
Noah Puckerman: We're still ahead of Santana and Karofsky by half a point so our campaign strategy is to close the gap using a combination of intimidation and fear.
Jacob Ben Israel: Awesome and classy. One more question... this one was e-mailed in by a fan. "Where does Lauren keep your balls?"
Noah Puckerman: What?
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm sure you've heard the word on the street that you've been neutered by Ms. Zizes. That she's the one who wears the pants in the relationship.
Noah Puckerman: Shut up or I'll beat your ass.
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm not scared... I've been hit by a girl before. This is JBI signing off. Tune in tomorrow when we'll be interviewing frontrunner Quinn Fabray. Hubba hubba.



Principal Figgins: I have some bad news.
Sue Sylvester: Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to go to Broadway. Oh William I'm devasted... Positively horny with grief. As a going-away present here's a spray bottle of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to keep that head-merken looking buttery fresh.
Principal Figgins: No no. Junior prom is in one week and my favorite band cancelled.
Will Schuester: What band?
Principal Figgins: Air Supply William. So I'm inviting my next favorite group: The New Directions.
Sue Sylvester: Nope. No way.
Will Schuester: Um... I agree. I mean normally we would jump at the chance to perform but... I mean we've got Nationals in three weeks which means that we have a lot of rehearsals and a lot of taffy to sell just so we can afford the trip.
Principal Figgins: William this glass is half-full of dreams for all of us. I have decided to give all the money to the Glee Club that I was going to pay Air Supply! So that's $400 right there for you.
Sue Sylvester: I won't allow it... I'm prom coordinator and I was not consulted. Each year I honor the prom with a bowl of my family's secret punch recipe made all the more meaningful to me because it's the punch bowl my grandmother drowned in. And each year that punch bowl is spiked. Such lawlessness will only be encouraged when being screeched at by that Glee Club!
Principal Figgins: Sue it is not a discussion! We are in the lurch!
Sue Sylvester: Fine. Well then let me take this opportunity to make a request. William I have in my Spanks at all times a list of the worst songs ever performed by the Glee Club. And I would appreciate it if you would not reprise any of the following numbers. Number one. "Run Joey Run." You should literally apologize to America for that one. Number two. The ingenius mash-up of "Crazy in Love" and "Hair." Now I know you must have been pretty tired when you put that baby together.
Will Schuester: If you'll excuse me.
Sue Sylvester: We'll see you at the prom butt chin.



Lauren Zizes: I've been to Ann Taylor Loft. Filene's Basement and like six Forever 21s and I cannot find a dress that fits. I'm gonna be forced to make my own dress for prom.
Brittany S. Pierce: Don't. You'll seem poor.
Santana Lopez: You're up for queen. You can't make your own prom dress. Prom is like our Oscars. It's seriously like the most important night of our lives.
Lauren Zizes: What about getting married?
Quinn Fabray: Oh you can get married as many times as you want. You only have one shot at your junior prom.
Mercedes Jones: What are you guys talking about?
Lauren Zizes: Prom dresses.
Mercedes Jones: Thank God I don't have to worry about that. I'm not going.
Kurt Hummel: Why not?
Mercedes Jones: 'Cause nobody's asked me.
Will Schuester: All right guys... prom.
Sam Evans: Please tell me we're not doing songs about prom.
Will Schuester: Nope. We are the prom. Figgins has asked us to perform.
Rachel Berry: Let's do "Run Joey Run." Now I know this isn't ideal with.
Will Schuester: Nationals coming up but we really don't have a choice. And we could really use the money. But I know that prom is a special rite of passage. I'm gonna make sure that all of you guys get a chance to enjoy the dance too. So we're gonna stagger the performances so that each and every one of you has a lot of time to dance with your dates.
Mercedes Jones: Excuse me.
Will Schuester: Is she okay?
Quinn Fabray: Mercedes doesn't have a date for prom.
Brittany S. Pierce: So? I don't have a date. I'm just going to dance and then all your dates are gonna ignore you and come dance with me so... Your dates are really my dates.
Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna go talk to Mercedes.
Rachel Berry: No. Let me.



Rachel Berry: Hey. You know I don't have a date to prom either.
Mercedes Jones: You know I know that I talk a good game about not needing a man and I don't. I just really wanted to take a date to the prom. I want the dress... And the guy... And the damn corsage.
Rachel Berry: Somebody... somebody still may ask you.
Mercedes Jones: It's this Saturday. You know... I just wanted to be Cinderella... Just for one night. One night where a guy would... Would look at me under those corny crepe paper streamers and say... "You look so beautiful." And then he'd... grab my hand and ask me to dance. Isn't that what prom is supposed to be about?
Rachel Berry: You're not gonna go to prom alone. You'll go with me.
Mercedes Jones: That's even more depressing.
Rachel Berry: I have a plan.



Kurt Hummel: Give me your hand. Blaine Warbler... Will you go to junior prom with me?
Blaine Anderson: Prom?
Kurt Hummel: It'll be the social event of the season. You don't want to go to prom with me?
Blaine Anderson: No, no, of course, of course I want to go with you. It's just... Prom.
Kurt Hummel: What about prom Blaine?
Blaine Anderson: At my old school there was a Sadie Hawkins Dance and... I had just come out so I asked a friend of mine the only other gay guy in the school and while we were waiting for his dad to pick us up... These three guys... um... beat the living crap out of us.
Kurt Hummel: I... I'm so sorry.
Blaine Anderson: I'm-I'm out and I'm proud and all that... this is just a little bit of a sore spot.
Kurt Hummel: This is perfect. You couldn't face up to the bullies at your school so you can do it at mine. We could do it together. But I have to say Blaine that if it makes you feel uncomfortable at all then we'll just forget about prom. We'll go to a movie instead.
Blaine Anderson: I am crazy about you.
Kurt Hummel: So I'll take that as a yes?
Blaine Anderson: Yes.
Kurt Hummel: Yes!
Blaine Anderson: Yes, you and I are going to the prom.
Kurt Hummel: Mm mm!



Sam Evans: Is this a surprise party or something? Because my birthday was last week.
Rachel Berry: It-it was? Um no. Mercedes and I we have a proposition for you.
Mercedes Jones: We were wondering if you'd like to go to prom with us.
Rachel Berry: Kind of like a... a three-way date but not the dirty kind.
Sam Evans: That sounds great but I can't afford to take one girl to the prom; I don't know how I'm gonna take two. What's this?
Rachel Berry: Our prom budget.
Mercedes Jones: You're gonna have to borrow a suit from your dad and we're gonna buy five-dollar dresses down at the Goodwill and make our own corsages out of flowers from my mom's garden.
Rachel Berry: And we can walk to prom and then use what's left to get the $8.99 all-you-can-eat pasta special at Breadstix. But you know the $20 it's not charity it's a loan.
Mercedes Jones: So... you'll go with us?
Sam Evans: It would be an honor.
Rachel Berry: Yes!



Kurt Hummel: Ladies, I appreciate you welcoming me into the sacred inner sanctum that is the prom gown dry run.
Brittany S. Pierce: Why did we decide to include Kurt?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Because getting a look past him is like getting a thumbs up from Joan and Melissa Rivers. It just might goose our pre-prom buzz factor.
Lauren Zizes: I look like a lemon meringue pie.
Brittany S. Pierce: I think you look delicious.
Kurt Hummel: Don't despair. Nobody bigger than a size two looks good in a prom dress. I mean they're practically designed to make us look awkward. I think the color is wrong. Let's go navy, hm? It's chic and slimming.
Lauren Zizes: Duly noted.
Kurt Hummel: Agree? Agree?
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh my God.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It's brilliant. Absolutely.
Kurt Hummel: Next.
Brittany S. Pierce: I knew it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Fashion.
Kurt Hummel: Devil in a red dress. Perfect and it's totally appropriate for your personality. I have no criticisms. Go with God Satan. Santana. Now if you ladies'll excuse me I have to pull options for my own prom outfit.
Santana Lopez: Wait so you're going? Stag? That's just tragic.
Kurt Hummel: Yes I'm going and not alone. With Blaine.
Brittany S. Pierce: Congratulations!
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's amazing!
Santana Lopez: Ladies if you'll excuse me I have a private fashion question for Kurt.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay.
Santana Lopez: So Kurt, I think that you need a full security detail which the Bully Whips and I would be more than happy to provide you with. You know like the Hell's Angels when the Rolling Stones the Rolling Stones performed at Altamont Speedway. I think that went off without a hitch.
Kurt Hummel: And why would you do that?
Santana Lopez: Because I'll get sympathy votes for prom queen. I'll be like the law-and-order Eva Peron candidate. Grimace and Stretch Marks won't stand a chance.



Noah Puckerman: So since you don't have a date to the prom now I was hoping you could help me out with Operation Punch and Judy. Every year at McKinley they crown a king and queen at the prom but there's a shadow world... a dark community of trouble makers that crown the prom anti-king.
Artie Abrams: And you're planning on that being you?
Noah Puckerman: My street cred's in the gutter. If I actually win Prom King with Lauren, I'll never be able to rebuild my reputation as a lovable but dangerous miscreant. I have to spike Coach Sylvester's punch.
Artie Abrams: What does this have to do with me?
Noah Puckerman: I'm prime suspect number one. Coach Sylvester won't let me within ten feet of that bowl. When she grabs me I'll create a diversion with my sweet dance moves. She'll be mesmerized hypnotized by my love dance. That's when you'll sneak in behind us and pour a bottle of gin in the bowl. Awesome right? So are you in? As my ass-istant bad-ass?
Artie Abrams: Look I'm... I'm sorry. While I admire your bad-boy villainy and yes long for the day when I am similarly cool I just I don't think spiking the prom hooch will impress Brittany enough. There's got to be a surefire way for her to both forgive me and accept my prom proposal. There's got to be.



Rachel Berry: Oh, members of the Audio-Visual Club I may possibly sing this song at prom and when I'm done rehearsing I'd like your feedback. Tell me if I was brilliant or simply outstanding.
# There's a fire #
# Starting in my heart #
# Reaching a fever pitch #
# And it's bringing me out the dark #
Jesse St. James: # Finally #
# I can see you crystal clear #
# Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare #
# Ooh... #
# See how #
# I leave with every piece of you #
# Don't underestimate #
# The things that I will do #
# There's a fire #
# Starting in my heart #
# Reaching a fever pitch #
# And it's bringing me out the dark #
# The scars of your love remind me of us #
# They keep me thinking that we almost had it all #
# The scars of your love #
# They leave me breathless #
# I can't help feeling #
Rachel & Jesse: # We could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
# Never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # Rolling in the deep #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
# Rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # You had my heart #
# Inside of your hand #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # And you played it #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
Rachel & Jesse: # To the beat #
Audio-Visual Club: # Rolling in the deep #
Jesse St. James: # Throw your soul #
# Through every open door #
Rachel Berry: # Count your blessings to find what you look for #
Jesse St. James: # Turn my sorrow #
# Into treasured gold #
Rachel Berry: # Pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
Rachel & Jesse: # Yeah we could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # Never had met me #
# Tears are gonna fall rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # We could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
# Never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # It all it all #
Rachel & Jesse: # It all #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
Jesse St. James: # Hey #
Audio-Visual Club: # Rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # You could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # Rolling in the deep #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
# Rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # You had my heart #
# Inside of your hand #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # And you played and you played and you played #
# And you played it #
# To the beat. #
Jesse St. James: It's good to see you again Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Jessie... what are you doing here?



Jesse St. James: I mean how was I supposed to know that I was actually supposed to show up to those other classes at school? I was majoring in show choir. I just assumed it would be like at Carmel and the school would get some Asian kid to take math and English and scientific for me.
Rachel Berry: That's awful.
Jesse St. James: I came back to see you, Rachel. What I did to you... that's my one great regret.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. It was kind of weird. One day you were telling me that you loved me and then you were inexplicably throwing eggs at my head the next.
Jesse St. James: I know. I know. I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship. It was a bum deal. For a first maybe but for a fourth no way. I've come to make amends. So, what are you doing for prom?



Finn Hudson: So I heard a nasty rumor that Jessie St. James is back in town and I also heard that he is going to be your date.
Rachel Berry: No, he's joining Mercedes and Sam and I on our prom on a budget. He's going to be in town for a while though so I'm not sure what's going to come of it.
Finn Hudson: I just... I don't trust him. Don't you remember what he did to you how awful he was?
Rachel Berry: You can't tell me what to do anymore, okay? If I want to date Jessie or anyone for that matter it stopped being your business when you broke up with me.
Finn Hudson: I-I still care about you.
Rachel Berry: Look, all I ask is that whoever I choose that you be as supportive of me as I have been of you and Quinn even though I'm dying every day inside about it.
Finn Hudson: You know I don't even want to go to the stupid prom anymore. Quinn has got me handing out pens with our names on them. Where's the dignity? And I hate renting those tuxes and the corsage... I know I'm going to pick the wrong one and then Quinn's going to be all pissed off and her mom's going to look at me like...
Rachel Berry: Hey just... just get her something simple... A wrist corsage. Girls like Quinn... you don't want to do anything that's going to distract from their face so ask for a gardenia with a with a light green ribbon wrapped around it to match her eyes. Okay?



Dave Karofsky: Everything looks good. No gay protests or rainbow flags being lit on fire down this way.
Santana Lopez: Are you finished talking?
Dave Karofsky: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: When you're finished talking you should say "over."
Dave Karofsky: Sorry. No burning Liberace mannequins. Over.
Santana Lopez: All right lady lips all clear. Teen gay you may now proceed to the next checkpoint without fear of violence.
Kurt Hummel: Why are you speaking so loud?
Santana Lopez: I'm the law-and-order prom queen candidate here to protect every student at this school from harassment. Did she...?
Kurt Hummel: I'm, I'm walking away from you now.



Mrs. Hagberg: Just crack the egg.
Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't understand the difference between an egg with a baby chicken inside of it and an egg with an egg in it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're the same thing.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, that's really confusing because this is a baby chicken's house.
Kurt Hummel: Mrs. Hagberg, I understand that cupcakes are really trendy right now and I know the making of a foie gras might be a little morose but um I would like to at least graduate high school knowing how to make some kind of pâté.
Artie Abrams: Excuse me, Mrs. Hagberg. I need to say something. Brittany I was a jerk to you. And I want to make it up to you with a song so maybe you'll consider going to prom with me.
Kurt Hummel: A prom proposal.
Artie Abrams: # Isn't she lovely? #
# Isn't she wonderful? #
# I never thought through love we'd be #
# Making one as lovely as she #
# But isn't she lovely #
# Made from love? #
Mercedes Jones: I thought this song was about a baby.
Artie Abrams: # Isn't she pretty? #
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh my God.
Artie Abrams: # Truly the angel's best #
# Boy I'm so happy #
# We have been heaven blessed #
# I can't believe what God has done #
# Through us he's given life to one #
# But isn't she lovely #
# Made from love? #
# Isn't she lovely? #
# Life and love are the same #
# Londie it could have not been done #
# Without you who conceived the one #
# That's so very lovely #
# Made from love #
# Ow! #
So?
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie that was lovely but I'm not going to go to prom with you. You called me stupid and I really didn't like that so I'm sorry but I'm gonna go to prom by myself and really work on me and dance with other people's dates.
Artie Abrams: I understand. I, I hope you know how sorry I am.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Dude... Sorry for the timing but I'd really like to revisit the possibility of you helping me spike the punch bowl.
Artie Abrams: I'm in. I have nothing to live for.



Blaine Anderson: So you think it's cool if I jam with you guys at prom?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, totally.
Burt Hummel: Good news, boys. My buddy Enzo from the tux rental shop is giving you half off.
Finn Hudson: Sweet.
Burt Hummel: Yeah. So, what are you going to go with?
Blaine Anderson: I'm going simple... Black thin lapel collar... very discreet.
Burt Hummel: Know what I wore to my prom? I wore a powder blue tux with a ruffled shirt and a big velour bowtie. Looked like Tony Orlando.
Blaine Anderson: Was that a designer?
Burt Hummel: No.
Kurt Hummel: No need for half off my outfit.
Burt Hummel: Because half of it is already off?
Kurt Hummel: My ensemble is an homage to the recent royal wedding and the late Alexander McQueen. I had to make it myself. There's simply nothing off the rack that is suitable for the young fashionable man in Ohio.
Finn Hudson: Dude that rocks. It's like gay Braveheart.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you.
Burt Hummel: I don't like it.
Kurt Hummel: Well of course you don't like it. It's not finished yet. I think it still needs like a sash or maybe some beads.
Burt Hummel: Look I'm not going to stop you from wearing it but I got to be honest... I... I think you're just trying to stir the pot a little bit. I think you're trying to get some attention.
Kurt Hummel: Exactly. What's the point of dressing up? I mean that's why some guys wear the tails with the top hat and and the girls wear the hoop skirts. I mean... Blaine help me out here.
Blaine Anderson: I think your dad has a point. I-I think what he's trying to say is that we just don't want to give anyone a reason to cause any trouble.
Burt Hummel: There's a lot of bad people out there Kurt and they're a lot worse than this Karofsky kid and all they're looking for is a match to light under the fire of their hate. Now of course I I want I want you to be yourself but I also I want you to be practical.
Kurt Hummel: I have done everything right. Now Blaine, I understand that after what you've been through you're worried but prom is about joy not about fear. So I am wearing this suit. I worked hard on it and I think it's fantastic and if you don't want to join me I completely understand.



Dave Karofsky: Here we are third period French class. I'm going to calculus so wait inside the classroom after the bell rings until I get back to walk you to lunch.
Kurt Hummel: Have you noticed that no one has said boo to me this week?
Dave Karofsky: That's 'cause the Bullywhips are protecting you.
Kurt Hummel: Maybe. But maybe no one has been harassing me this week because nobody cares.
Dave Karofsky: You're dreaming.
Kurt Hummel: Okay look I'm not saying that everyone in this school is ready to embrace the gay but maybe at least they've evolved enough to be indifferent. I see how miserable you are, Dave. I could just hate you when you were bullying me but... now all I see is your pain. And you don't have to torture yourself over this. I'm not saying you should come out tomorrow but maybe soon the moment will arise when you can. What's wrong?
Dave Karofsky: I'm so... I'm so freaking sorry, Kurt. I'm just... so sorry for what I did to you.
Kurt Hummel: I know. I know.
Dave Karofsky: Cool. Thanks. Remember you wait for me here, right?



Judy Fabray: Quinny! Your date's here!
Finn Hudson: That's one of the good things about being in Glee Club. You really get to know your way around a cummerbund.
Judy Fabray: Let me get my camera.
Quinn Fabray: You look great.
Finn Hudson: You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I uh... I got you a wrist corsage.
Quinn Fabray: The ribbon matches my eyes.
Finn Hudson: I know.
Judy Fabray: Okay, you two, picture time. You look like Cinderella. Let's get together. Ah! Okay. Give me prom pose.



Rachel Berry: Mercedes, can I just say that you look fierce in your dress?
Jesse St. James: Totally Mercedes. You both look smokin'.
Mercedes Jones: You're damn straight, we do.
Sam Evans: Seriously though Jessie what do you think of the bolo tie? Pretty cool, right? Saw Springsteen in the cover of Tunnel of Love album wearing it.
Jesse St. James: Dude that was like 20 years ago. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your family, Sam.
Rachel Berry: Um, I hope it's okay; I sort of filled Jessie in on what was going on.
Jesse St. James: Of course it's okay. Sam has nothing to be ashamed of. I know how tough it is out there. I couldn't even get a job as one of those singing waiters at Johnny Rockets. But I've got an idea. They say that the best time to start any business is during a recession. I don't know why or even what a recession is but it's my understanding that we're in one.
Rachel Berry: He's so smart. I can't believe he flunked out of college.
Jesse St. James: So I was thinking. What are the two things that I'm great at? Show choir and destroying the competition. So what if I opened up a dance studio where I could act as a consultant for show choirs looking to get that extra edge?
Mercedes Jones: Do you think there are enough show choirs to keep you in business?
Rachel Berry: Of course there are. That-That's a brilliant idea! You could... You could be like The-The Show Choir Whisperer. I'm sure we could get Mr. Shue to hire him in a second and that's how we can beat Vocal Adrenaline!
Quinn Fabray: Hey guys. You look amazing! And don't forget to vote for Hudson-Fabray tonight.
Finn Hudson: Hey Jessie. What'd you order scrambled eggs? I mean I know you usually like them served on people's heads.
Jesse St. James: Quinn you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night. I'll be more than happy to cut in.
Mercedes Jones: Okay hush you guys. You're totally ruining the vibe. Quinn you look hot. Finn you look handsome. Love you guys but get lost. We'll see you there. All right. This is gonna be off the hook.
Sam Evans: Who's ready for some prom?
Rachel Berry: I'm ready for prom.
Sam Evans: Go prom.
Mercedes Jones: I like prom.
Rachel Berry: Cheers guys.



Artie Abrams: # Ooh ooh ooh yeah yeah yeah #
Sam Evans: # Ah ah-ah-ah ah ah #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah yeah #
Sam Evans: # Ooh ooh yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah-ah-ah yeah-ah-ah #
# Yeah-ah-ah yeah-ah-ah #
# Yeah yeah yeah #
Noah Puckerman: # 7:00 a.m. waking up in the morning #
# Got to be fresh got to go downstairs #
# Got to have my bowl got to have cereal #
Artie Abrams: # Cereal #
Noah Puckerman: # Seein' everything the time is goin' #
# Tickin' on and on everybody's rushin' #
Artie Abrams: # Tickin' on and on #
Noah Puckerman: # Got to get down to the bus stop #
# Got to catch my bus I see my friends #
Artie Abrams: # I see my friends #
Sam Evans: # Kickin' in the front seat sittin' in the back seat #
# Got to make my mind up which seat can I take? #
Noah Puckerman: # It's Friday Friday got to get down on Friday #
# Everybody's looking forward to the weekend weekend #
Sam Evans: # Friday Friday gettin' down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fun fun fun fun lookin' forward to the weekend #
Sam Evans: # Yesterday was Thursday Thursday #
# Today is Friday Friday #
Noah Puckerman: # Partyin' #
Sam Evans: # We-We-We so excited #
Noah Puckerman: # Partyin' #
Sam Evans: # We so excited #
# We gonna have a ball today #
# Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards #
# I don't want this weekend to end #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah, yeah. R-T, Artie Abrams #
# So chillin' in the front seat #
Noah Puckerman: # In the front seat #
Artie Abrams: # In the back seat #
Noah Puckerman: # In the back seat #
Artie Abrams: # I'm drivin' cruisin' #
Noah Puckerman: # Yeah yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fast lanes switchin' lanes with a car up on my side #
# Whoo come on passin' by is a school bus in front of me #
# Makes tick tock tick tock wanna scream #
# Check my time it's Friday it's a weekend #
# We gonna have fun come on come on y'all #
Noah Puckerman: # It's Friday Friday got to get down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend weekend #
# Friday Friday gettin' down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fun fun fun fun lookin' forward to the weekend. #
Brittany S. Pierce: Best prom ever!



Rachel Berry: # I know I can't take one more step towards you #
# 'Cause all that's waiting is regret #
# And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? #
# You lost the love I loved the most #
# I learned to live half-alive #
# And now you want me one more time #
# And who do you think you are? #
# Runnin' round leaving scars #
# Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart #
# You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul #
# So don't come back for me #
# Who do you think you are? #
Kurt Hummel: Isn't it great that the prom is so inclusive this year?
Rachel Berry: # It took so long just to feel all right #.
Blaine Anderson: Someone for everyone.
Kurt Hummel: Even if it's a lie.
Rachel Berry: # Remember how to put #
# Back the light in my eyes #
# I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed #
# ' Cause you broke all your promises #
# And now you're back #
# You don't get to get me back #
# And who do you think you are? #
Sam Evans: Mercedes?
Mercedes Jones: Yes.
Sam Evans: I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful.
Rachel Berry: # Collecting your jar of hearts #.
Sam Evans: Would you like to dance?
Rachel Berry: # And tearing love apart #
Mercedes Jones: I'd love to.
Rachel Berry: # You're gonna catch a cold #
# From the ice inside your soul #
# Don't come back for me #
# Don't come back at all #
# Who do you think you are? #
# Who do you think you are? #
# Who do you think you are? #
Quinn Fabray: I'm so happy to be here with you. It's what I've always wanted.
Noah Puckerman: Tora Tora Tora. It's go time. Hey Coach. Want to boogie?
Sue Sylvester: There's no music.
Noah Puckerman: It's okay. I got the music in me.
Sue Sylvester: Ah-ah! In my office... now!



Artie Abrams: What are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: I'm just showing you my dental kit.
Artie Abrams: Oh my God. You're going to start pulling out my teeth out, aren't you?
Sue Sylvester: No, no. That would get me sent to prison. What I am going to do is attempt to give you a simple cleaning which as anyone who's been to the dentist will tell you is an excruciating affair of intense oral pain.
Artie Abrams: What?! No it isn't. Who's your dentist?
Sue Sylvester: Sue Sylvester DDS. Now we can get all HMO up in your Glee-hole or you can tell me who put you up to spiking my bowl. Come on Legs. It was Puckerman, wasn't it? Oh he'll get expelled and you'll be one Mohawk short at Nationals.
Artie Abrams: Please let me go. All I want is to get back out there and have one dance with Brittany.
Sue Sylvester: Okay let me get this straight. I'm trying to interrogate you and you just told me the one thing you really want. You are the worst P.O.W. Ever. John McCain is rolling over in his grave.



Blaine Anderson: # You are the girl #
# That I've been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl #
# You are the girl that I've been dreaming of #
# Ever since I was a little girl #
Tina & Brittany: # One #
Blaine Anderson: # I'm biting my tongue #
Tina & Brittany: # Two #
Blaine Anderson: # He's kissin' on you #
Tina & Brittany: # Three #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh why can't you see? #
Tina & Brittany: # One two three four #
Blaine Anderson: # The word's on the streets and it's on the news #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you #
# He's got two left feet and he bites my moves #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to #
Tina & Brittany: # Dance dance dance dance #
Blaine Anderson: # The second I do I know we're gonna be through #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you #
# He don't suspect a thing #
# I wish he'd get a clue #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to #
Tina & Brittany: # Dance dance dance dance #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh oh... #
# Dance #
Finn Hudson: Hey!
Tina & Brittany: # One #
Finn Hudson: Hey! Hey dude keep it PG.
Jesse St. James: Dude it's none of YB...Your business.
Tina & Brittany: # Dance #
Finn Hudson: Well this is my school so it's my business.
Jesse St. James: Well this isn't your girlfriend so beat it MJ.
Tina & Brittany: # Dance #.
Jesse St. James: Don't push me.
Quinn Fabray: What's the matter with you?
Finn Hudson: Huh?
Rachel Berry: Stop it!
Quinn Fabray: You're ruining everything.



Becky Jackson: Code Blue in the gym Coach!



Blaine Anderson: # Oh oh he's got two left feet... #
Rachel Berry: Stop it! Hey! Come on.
Blaine Anderson: # Dance dance dance dance #
# Dance dance dance dance dance! #
Sue Sylvester: Prom is over for you Sugar Ray! You too Marvelous Marvin! You're out! Let's go!
Rachel Berry: What?!
Finn Hudson: What do you mean out?!
Quinn Fabray: Wait but... he and I are nominated for prom...
Sue Sylvester: Sucks for you sister!



Principal Figgins: Attention students attention. Will the candidates for king and queen gather on the stage. The votes are in. This is the moment you've all been waiting for where we announce our Junior Prom King and also Prom Queen. Roll the drum please. And this year's Junior Prom King is... David Karofsky!
Santana Lopez: You suck so bad Quinn Fabray. I won.
Principal Figgins: And now... Your 2011 McKinley High Prom Queen... ...with an overwhelming number of write-in votes is... Kurt Hummel.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt? Stop! Kurt!



Kurt Hummel: I've never been so humiliated!
Blaine Anderson: Kurt. Stop. Stop Kurt! Please just stop. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: Don't you get how stupid we were? We thought that because no one was teasing us or beating us up that-that no one cared. Like... like some kind of progress had been made. But it's still the same.
Blaine Anderson: It's just a stupid joke.
Kurt Hummel: No it's not. All that hate... They were just afraid to say it out loud. So they did it by secret ballot. I'm one big anonymous practical joke.



Rachel Berry: Quinn you need to calm down.
Quinn Fabray: This is your fault! Nobody ever would have voted for me 'cause they know he would rather be with you.
Rachel Berry: That's not true.
Quinn Fabray: I'm so sorry.



Santana Lopez: How could my running mate win and I didn't? I mean just because I hate everybody doesn't mean they have to hate me too.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's just a stupid crown you can buy at the Party Store.
Santana Lopez: I'm gonna be an outsider my whole life. Can't I just... have one night where I'm queen?
Kurt Hummel: I'm not going back in there.
Santana Lopez: Where I'm accepted?
Kurt Hummel: No way.
Quinn Fabray: There's no way I'm staying at this school I'm gonna transfer.
Santana Lopez: Soon as we get to New York I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony. Or Tribeca.



Blaine Anderson: Would you at least sit down? Do you want to go? We don't have to go back in there.
Kurt Hummel: Wasn't this prom supposed to be about redemption? About taking away that lump you had in your throat from running away? If we leave all it's gonna do is give me a lump too.
Blaine Anderson: So what do you want to do?
Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna go back in there and get coronated. I'm gonna show them that it doesn't matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back they can't touch me. That they can't touch us. Or what we have.



Rachel Berry: Most girls would be upset about being slapped in the face but I happen to appreciate the drama of it.
Quinn Fabray: I know you think it's hard to be you Rachel but at least you don't have to be terrified all the time.
Rachel Berry: What are you so scared of?
Quinn Fabray: The future. When all this is gone.
Rachel Berry: You have nothing to be scared of. You're a very pretty girl Quinn. You're the prettiest girl I've ever met but... you're a lot more than that. Here. Can I help?



Santana Lopez: They must have sensed that I was a lesbian. I mean they must have. Do I smell like a golf course?
Brittany S. Pierce: People don't know what you're hiding they just... they know that you're not being yourself. If you were to embrace all the awesomeness that you are you would've won.
Santana Lopez: How do you know?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because I voted for you. And because I believe in you Santana.
Santana Lopez: This prom sucks! Now what am I supposed to do?
Brittany S. Pierce: Go back out there and be there for Kurt. This is gonna be a lot harder for him than it is for you.



Blaine Anderson: Are you ready for this?



Sue Sylvester: Well Stumbles it's 10:00 p.m. You've officially missed your prom.
Artie Abrams: I'm not gonna rat somebody out for doing something that I did. I was upset and I wanted to impress a girl. But I wasn't down on getting everybody wasted so I poured a flask of lemonade into the punch.
Sue Sylvester: Wait. You didn't spike the punch?
Artie Abrams: Yes I did.
Sue Sylvester: With alcohol?
Artie Abrams: Oh. Yeah then no I didn't.
Sue Sylvester: Well why didn't you tell me that before? I was just about to pull out a couple of your molars.
Artie Abrams: So can I go?
Sue Sylvester: You should really be ashamed of yourself. You are seriously no fun to interrogate or almost torture.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh my God. I feel so bad for him.
Principal Figgins: Ladies and gentlemen your 2011 Prom Queen Kurt Hummel.
Kurt Hummel: Eat your heart out Kate Middleton.
Principal Figgins: And now behold the tradition of our 2011. Prom King and Queen sharing their first dance.
Kurt Hummel: Now's your moment.
Dave Karofsky: What?
Kurt Hummel: Come out. Make a difference.
Mercedes & Santana: # Ah ah ah... #
# Ah-ah ah ah ah... #
Dave Karofsky: I can't.
Mercedes & Santana: # Ah ah-ah... #
Blaine Anderson: Excuse me.
Mercedes & Santana: # Oh yeah #
Blaine Anderson: May I have this dance?
Mercedes & Santana: # You can dance you can jive #.
Kurt Hummel: Yes. Yes you may.
Mercedes & Santana: # Having the time of your life #
# Ooh ooh ooh #
# See that girl #
# Watch that scene #
# Diggin' the dancing queen #
Santana Lopez: # Friday night and the lights are low #
# Lookin' out for a place to go #
# Oh where they play the right music #
# Getting in the swing #
# You come to look for a king #
Mercedes & Santana: # And when you get the chance #
# You are the dancing queen #
# Young and sweet #
# Only seventeen #
# Dancing queen #
# Feel the beat #
# From the tambourine #
# Oh yeah #
Santana Lopez: # You can dance #
Mercedes Jones: # You can sing #
Santana Lopez: # You can jive #
Santana Lopez: # You can jive #
Mercedes & Santana: # Having the time #
# Of your life #
# Oh oh oh #
# See that girl #
# Watch that scene #
# Diggin' the dancing queen... #
Mercedes Jones: # Dancing dancing #
# Queen... #
Mercedes & Santana: # Diggin' the dancing queen. #


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Prom's coming up and Quinn's desperate to win queen so she can hold on to Finn who still sort of has eyes for Rachel. But Zizes also wants to be queen and Puck's up for king and Karofsky and Santana want to win too 'cause they both got a secret they'd like to keep.
Santana Lopez: Have you ever heard of the term "beards"?
Ian Brennan: Artie and Brittany were BF and GF but he got mad and said she was stupid and now they're not BF and GF.
Brittany S. Pierce: You were the only person at this school that never called me that.
Ian Brennan: Can you believe that? And that's what you missed on Glee.



Jacob Ben Israel: Hi everyone. It's junior prom minus six days here at McKinley and today I'm joined by Junior Prom King candidate Noah Puckerman.
Noah Puckerman: I prefer Puck.
Jacob Ben Israel: So Noah can I get a comment on the recent poll number that put the Fabray/Hudson ticket ten points above you and Zizes... AKA the "Road Warriors."
Noah Puckerman: We're still ahead of Santana and Karofsky by half a point so our campaign strategy is to close the gap using a combination of intimidation and fear.
Jacob Ben Israel: Awesome and classy. One more question... this one was e-mailed in by a fan. "Where does Lauren keep your balls?"
Noah Puckerman: What?
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm sure you've heard the word on the street that you've been neutered by Ms. Zizes. That she's the one who wears the pants in the relationship.
Noah Puckerman: Shut up or I'll beat your ass.
Jacob Ben Israel: I'm not scared... I've been hit by a girl before. This is JBI signing off. Tune in tomorrow when we'll be interviewing frontrunner Quinn Fabray. Hubba hubba.



Principal Figgins: I have some bad news.
Sue Sylvester: Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to go to Broadway. Oh William I'm devasted... Positively horny with grief. As a going-away present here's a spray bottle of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to keep that head-merken looking buttery fresh.
Principal Figgins: No no. Junior prom is in one week and my favorite band cancelled.
Will Schuester: What band?
Principal Figgins: Air Supply William. So I'm inviting my next favorite group: The New Directions.
Sue Sylvester: Nope. No way.
Will Schuester: Um... I agree. I mean normally we would jump at the chance to perform but... I mean we've got Nationals in three weeks which means that we have a lot of rehearsals and a lot of taffy to sell just so we can afford the trip.
Principal Figgins: William this glass is half-full of dreams for all of us. I have decided to give all the money to the Glee Club that I was going to pay Air Supply! So that's $400 right there for you.
Sue Sylvester: I won't allow it... I'm prom coordinator and I was not consulted. Each year I honor the prom with a bowl of my family's secret punch recipe made all the more meaningful to me because it's the punch bowl my grandmother drowned in. And each year that punch bowl is spiked. Such lawlessness will only be encouraged when being screeched at by that Glee Club!
Principal Figgins: Sue it is not a discussion! We are in the lurch!
Sue Sylvester: Fine. Well then let me take this opportunity to make a request. William I have in my Spanks at all times a list of the worst songs ever performed by the Glee Club. And I would appreciate it if you would not reprise any of the following numbers. Number one. "Run Joey Run." You should literally apologize to America for that one. Number two. The ingenius mash-up of "Crazy in Love" and "Hair." Now I know you must have been pretty tired when you put that baby together.
Will Schuester: If you'll excuse me.
Sue Sylvester: We'll see you at the prom butt chin.



Lauren Zizes: I've been to Ann Taylor Loft. Filene's Basement and like six Forever 21s and I cannot find a dress that fits. I'm gonna be forced to make my own dress for prom.
Brittany S. Pierce: Don't. You'll seem poor.
Santana Lopez: You're up for queen. You can't make your own prom dress. Prom is like our Oscars. It's seriously like the most important night of our lives.
Lauren Zizes: What about getting married?
Quinn Fabray: Oh you can get married as many times as you want. You only have one shot at your junior prom.
Mercedes Jones: What are you guys talking about?
Lauren Zizes: Prom dresses.
Mercedes Jones: Thank God I don't have to worry about that. I'm not going.
Kurt Hummel: Why not?
Mercedes Jones: 'Cause nobody's asked me.
Will Schuester: All right guys... prom.
Sam Evans: Please tell me we're not doing songs about prom.
Will Schuester: Nope. We are the prom. Figgins has asked us to perform.
Rachel Berry: Let's do "Run Joey Run." Now I know this isn't ideal with.
Will Schuester: Nationals coming up but we really don't have a choice. And we could really use the money. But I know that prom is a special rite of passage. I'm gonna make sure that all of you guys get a chance to enjoy the dance too. So we're gonna stagger the performances so that each and every one of you has a lot of time to dance with your dates.
Mercedes Jones: Excuse me.
Will Schuester: Is she okay?
Quinn Fabray: Mercedes doesn't have a date for prom.
Brittany S. Pierce: So? I don't have a date. I'm just going to dance and then all your dates are gonna ignore you and come dance with me so... Your dates are really my dates.
Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna go talk to Mercedes.
Rachel Berry: No. Let me.



Rachel Berry: Hey. You know I don't have a date to prom either.
Mercedes Jones: You know I know that I talk a good game about not needing a man and I don't. I just really wanted to take a date to the prom. I want the dress... And the guy... And the damn corsage.
Rachel Berry: Somebody... somebody still may ask you.
Mercedes Jones: It's this Saturday. You know... I just wanted to be Cinderella... Just for one night. One night where a guy would... Would look at me under those corny crepe paper streamers and say... "You look so beautiful." And then he'd... grab my hand and ask me to dance. Isn't that what prom is supposed to be about?
Rachel Berry: You're not gonna go to prom alone. You'll go with me.
Mercedes Jones: That's even more depressing.
Rachel Berry: I have a plan.



Kurt Hummel: Give me your hand. Blaine Warbler... Will you go to junior prom with me?
Blaine Anderson: Prom?
Kurt Hummel: It'll be the social event of the season. You don't want to go to prom with me?
Blaine Anderson: No, no, of course, of course I want to go with you. It's just... Prom.
Kurt Hummel: What about prom Blaine?
Blaine Anderson: At my old school there was a Sadie Hawkins Dance and... I had just come out so I asked a friend of mine the only other gay guy in the school and while we were waiting for his dad to pick us up... These three guys... um... beat the living crap out of us.
Kurt Hummel: I... I'm so sorry.
Blaine Anderson: I'm-I'm out and I'm proud and all that... this is just a little bit of a sore spot.
Kurt Hummel: This is perfect. You couldn't face up to the bullies at your school so you can do it at mine. We could do it together. But I have to say Blaine that if it makes you feel uncomfortable at all then we'll just forget about prom. We'll go to a movie instead.
Blaine Anderson: I am crazy about you.
Kurt Hummel: So I'll take that as a yes?
Blaine Anderson: Yes.
Kurt Hummel: Yes!
Blaine Anderson: Yes, you and I are going to the prom.
Kurt Hummel: Mm mm!



Sam Evans: Is this a surprise party or something? Because my birthday was last week.
Rachel Berry: It-it was? Um no. Mercedes and I we have a proposition for you.
Mercedes Jones: We were wondering if you'd like to go to prom with us.
Rachel Berry: Kind of like a... a three-way date but not the dirty kind.
Sam Evans: That sounds great but I can't afford to take one girl to the prom; I don't know how I'm gonna take two. What's this?
Rachel Berry: Our prom budget.
Mercedes Jones: You're gonna have to borrow a suit from your dad and we're gonna buy five-dollar dresses down at the Goodwill and make our own corsages out of flowers from my mom's garden.
Rachel Berry: And we can walk to prom and then use what's left to get the $8.99 all-you-can-eat pasta special at Breadstix. But you know the $20 it's not charity it's a loan.
Mercedes Jones: So... you'll go with us?
Sam Evans: It would be an honor.
Rachel Berry: Yes!



Kurt Hummel: Ladies, I appreciate you welcoming me into the sacred inner sanctum that is the prom gown dry run.
Brittany S. Pierce: Why did we decide to include Kurt?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Because getting a look past him is like getting a thumbs up from Joan and Melissa Rivers. It just might goose our pre-prom buzz factor.
Lauren Zizes: I look like a lemon meringue pie.
Brittany S. Pierce: I think you look delicious.
Kurt Hummel: Don't despair. Nobody bigger than a size two looks good in a prom dress. I mean they're practically designed to make us look awkward. I think the color is wrong. Let's go navy, hm? It's chic and slimming.
Lauren Zizes: Duly noted.
Kurt Hummel: Agree? Agree?
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh my God.
Tina Cohen-Chang: It's brilliant. Absolutely.
Kurt Hummel: Next.
Brittany S. Pierce: I knew it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Fashion.
Kurt Hummel: Devil in a red dress. Perfect and it's totally appropriate for your personality. I have no criticisms. Go with God Satan. Santana. Now if you ladies'll excuse me I have to pull options for my own prom outfit.
Santana Lopez: Wait so you're going? Stag? That's just tragic.
Kurt Hummel: Yes I'm going and not alone. With Blaine.
Brittany S. Pierce: Congratulations!
Tina Cohen-Chang: That's amazing!
Santana Lopez: Ladies if you'll excuse me I have a private fashion question for Kurt.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay.
Santana Lopez: So Kurt, I think that you need a full security detail which the Bully Whips and I would be more than happy to provide you with. You know like the Hell's Angels when the Rolling Stones the Rolling Stones performed at Altamont Speedway. I think that went off without a hitch.
Kurt Hummel: And why would you do that?
Santana Lopez: Because I'll get sympathy votes for prom queen. I'll be like the law-and-order Eva Peron candidate. Grimace and Stretch Marks won't stand a chance.



Noah Puckerman: So since you don't have a date to the prom now I was hoping you could help me out with Operation Punch and Judy. Every year at McKinley they crown a king and queen at the prom but there's a shadow world... a dark community of trouble makers that crown the prom anti-king.
Artie Abrams: And you're planning on that being you?
Noah Puckerman: My street cred's in the gutter. If I actually win Prom King with Lauren, I'll never be able to rebuild my reputation as a lovable but dangerous miscreant. I have to spike Coach Sylvester's punch.
Artie Abrams: What does this have to do with me?
Noah Puckerman: I'm prime suspect number one. Coach Sylvester won't let me within ten feet of that bowl. When she grabs me I'll create a diversion with my sweet dance moves. She'll be mesmerized hypnotized by my love dance. That's when you'll sneak in behind us and pour a bottle of gin in the bowl. Awesome right? So are you in? As my ass-istant bad-ass?
Artie Abrams: Look I'm... I'm sorry. While I admire your bad-boy villainy and yes long for the day when I am similarly cool I just I don't think spiking the prom hooch will impress Brittany enough. There's got to be a surefire way for her to both forgive me and accept my prom proposal. There's got to be.



Rachel Berry: Oh, members of the Audio-Visual Club I may possibly sing this song at prom and when I'm done rehearsing I'd like your feedback. Tell me if I was brilliant or simply outstanding.
# There's a fire #
# Starting in my heart #
# Reaching a fever pitch #
# And it's bringing me out the dark #
Jesse St. James: # Finally #
# I can see you crystal clear #
# Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare #
# Ooh... #
# See how #
# I leave with every piece of you #
# Don't underestimate #
# The things that I will do #
# There's a fire #
# Starting in my heart #
# Reaching a fever pitch #
# And it's bringing me out the dark #
# The scars of your love remind me of us #
# They keep me thinking that we almost had it all #
# The scars of your love #
# They leave me breathless #
# I can't help feeling #
Rachel & Jesse: # We could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
# Never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # Rolling in the deep #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
# Rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # You had my heart #
# Inside of your hand #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # And you played it #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
Rachel & Jesse: # To the beat #
Audio-Visual Club: # Rolling in the deep #
Jesse St. James: # Throw your soul #
# Through every open door #
Rachel Berry: # Count your blessings to find what you look for #
Jesse St. James: # Turn my sorrow #
# Into treasured gold #
Rachel Berry: # Pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
Rachel & Jesse: # Yeah we could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # Never had met me #
# Tears are gonna fall rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # We could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you #
# Never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # It all it all #
Rachel & Jesse: # It all #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
Jesse St. James: # Hey #
Audio-Visual Club: # Rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # You could have had it all #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # Rolling in the deep #
Audio-Visual Club: # Tears are gonna fall #
# Rolling in the deep #
Rachel & Jesse: # You had my heart #
# Inside of your hand #
Audio-Visual Club: # You're gonna wish you never had met me #
Rachel & Jesse: # And you played and you played and you played #
# And you played it #
# To the beat. #
Jesse St. James: It's good to see you again Rachel.
Rachel Berry: Jessie... what are you doing here?



Jesse St. James: I mean how was I supposed to know that I was actually supposed to show up to those other classes at school? I was majoring in show choir. I just assumed it would be like at Carmel and the school would get some Asian kid to take math and English and scientific for me.
Rachel Berry: That's awful.
Jesse St. James: I came back to see you, Rachel. What I did to you... that's my one great regret.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. It was kind of weird. One day you were telling me that you loved me and then you were inexplicably throwing eggs at my head the next.
Jesse St. James: I know. I know. I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship. It was a bum deal. For a first maybe but for a fourth no way. I've come to make amends. So, what are you doing for prom?



Finn Hudson: So I heard a nasty rumor that Jessie St. James is back in town and I also heard that he is going to be your date.
Rachel Berry: No, he's joining Mercedes and Sam and I on our prom on a budget. He's going to be in town for a while though so I'm not sure what's going to come of it.
Finn Hudson: I just... I don't trust him. Don't you remember what he did to you how awful he was?
Rachel Berry: You can't tell me what to do anymore, okay? If I want to date Jessie or anyone for that matter it stopped being your business when you broke up with me.
Finn Hudson: I-I still care about you.
Rachel Berry: Look, all I ask is that whoever I choose that you be as supportive of me as I have been of you and Quinn even though I'm dying every day inside about it.
Finn Hudson: You know I don't even want to go to the stupid prom anymore. Quinn has got me handing out pens with our names on them. Where's the dignity? And I hate renting those tuxes and the corsage... I know I'm going to pick the wrong one and then Quinn's going to be all pissed off and her mom's going to look at me like...
Rachel Berry: Hey just... just get her something simple... A wrist corsage. Girls like Quinn... you don't want to do anything that's going to distract from their face so ask for a gardenia with a with a light green ribbon wrapped around it to match her eyes. Okay?



Dave Karofsky: Everything looks good. No gay protests or rainbow flags being lit on fire down this way.
Santana Lopez: Are you finished talking?
Dave Karofsky: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: When you're finished talking you should say "over."
Dave Karofsky: Sorry. No burning Liberace mannequins. Over.
Santana Lopez: All right lady lips all clear. Teen gay you may now proceed to the next checkpoint without fear of violence.
Kurt Hummel: Why are you speaking so loud?
Santana Lopez: I'm the law-and-order prom queen candidate here to protect every student at this school from harassment. Did she...?
Kurt Hummel: I'm, I'm walking away from you now.



Mrs. Hagberg: Just crack the egg.
Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't understand the difference between an egg with a baby chicken inside of it and an egg with an egg in it.
Tina Cohen-Chang: They're the same thing.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, that's really confusing because this is a baby chicken's house.
Kurt Hummel: Mrs. Hagberg, I understand that cupcakes are really trendy right now and I know the making of a foie gras might be a little morose but um I would like to at least graduate high school knowing how to make some kind of pâté.
Artie Abrams: Excuse me, Mrs. Hagberg. I need to say something. Brittany I was a jerk to you. And I want to make it up to you with a song so maybe you'll consider going to prom with me.
Kurt Hummel: A prom proposal.
Artie Abrams: # Isn't she lovely? #
# Isn't she wonderful? #
# I never thought through love we'd be #
# Making one as lovely as she #
# But isn't she lovely #
# Made from love? #
Mercedes Jones: I thought this song was about a baby.
Artie Abrams: # Isn't she pretty? #
Brittany S. Pierce: Oh my God.
Artie Abrams: # Truly the angel's best #
# Boy I'm so happy #
# We have been heaven blessed #
# I can't believe what God has done #
# Through us he's given life to one #
# But isn't she lovely #
# Made from love? #
# Isn't she lovely? #
# Life and love are the same #
# Londie it could have not been done #
# Without you who conceived the one #
# That's so very lovely #
# Made from love #
# Ow! #
So?
Brittany S. Pierce: Artie that was lovely but I'm not going to go to prom with you. You called me stupid and I really didn't like that so I'm sorry but I'm gonna go to prom by myself and really work on me and dance with other people's dates.
Artie Abrams: I understand. I, I hope you know how sorry I am.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Noah Puckerman: Dude... Sorry for the timing but I'd really like to revisit the possibility of you helping me spike the punch bowl.
Artie Abrams: I'm in. I have nothing to live for.



Blaine Anderson: So you think it's cool if I jam with you guys at prom?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, totally.
Burt Hummel: Good news, boys. My buddy Enzo from the tux rental shop is giving you half off.
Finn Hudson: Sweet.
Burt Hummel: Yeah. So, what are you going to go with?
Blaine Anderson: I'm going simple... Black thin lapel collar... very discreet.
Burt Hummel: Know what I wore to my prom? I wore a powder blue tux with a ruffled shirt and a big velour bowtie. Looked like Tony Orlando.
Blaine Anderson: Was that a designer?
Burt Hummel: No.
Kurt Hummel: No need for half off my outfit.
Burt Hummel: Because half of it is already off?
Kurt Hummel: My ensemble is an homage to the recent royal wedding and the late Alexander McQueen. I had to make it myself. There's simply nothing off the rack that is suitable for the young fashionable man in Ohio.
Finn Hudson: Dude that rocks. It's like gay Braveheart.
Kurt Hummel: Thank you.
Burt Hummel: I don't like it.
Kurt Hummel: Well of course you don't like it. It's not finished yet. I think it still needs like a sash or maybe some beads.
Burt Hummel: Look I'm not going to stop you from wearing it but I got to be honest... I... I think you're just trying to stir the pot a little bit. I think you're trying to get some attention.
Kurt Hummel: Exactly. What's the point of dressing up? I mean that's why some guys wear the tails with the top hat and and the girls wear the hoop skirts. I mean... Blaine help me out here.
Blaine Anderson: I think your dad has a point. I-I think what he's trying to say is that we just don't want to give anyone a reason to cause any trouble.
Burt Hummel: There's a lot of bad people out there Kurt and they're a lot worse than this Karofsky kid and all they're looking for is a match to light under the fire of their hate. Now of course I I want I want you to be yourself but I also I want you to be practical.
Kurt Hummel: I have done everything right. Now Blaine, I understand that after what you've been through you're worried but prom is about joy not about fear. So I am wearing this suit. I worked hard on it and I think it's fantastic and if you don't want to join me I completely understand.



Dave Karofsky: Here we are third period French class. I'm going to calculus so wait inside the classroom after the bell rings until I get back to walk you to lunch.
Kurt Hummel: Have you noticed that no one has said boo to me this week?
Dave Karofsky: That's 'cause the Bullywhips are protecting you.
Kurt Hummel: Maybe. But maybe no one has been harassing me this week because nobody cares.
Dave Karofsky: You're dreaming.
Kurt Hummel: Okay look I'm not saying that everyone in this school is ready to embrace the gay but maybe at least they've evolved enough to be indifferent. I see how miserable you are, Dave. I could just hate you when you were bullying me but... now all I see is your pain. And you don't have to torture yourself over this. I'm not saying you should come out tomorrow but maybe soon the moment will arise when you can. What's wrong?
Dave Karofsky: I'm so... I'm so freaking sorry, Kurt. I'm just... so sorry for what I did to you.
Kurt Hummel: I know. I know.
Dave Karofsky: Cool. Thanks. Remember you wait for me here, right?



Judy Fabray: Quinny! Your date's here!
Finn Hudson: That's one of the good things about being in Glee Club. You really get to know your way around a cummerbund.
Judy Fabray: Let me get my camera.
Quinn Fabray: You look great.
Finn Hudson: You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I uh... I got you a wrist corsage.
Quinn Fabray: The ribbon matches my eyes.
Finn Hudson: I know.
Judy Fabray: Okay, you two, picture time. You look like Cinderella. Let's get together. Ah! Okay. Give me prom pose.



Rachel Berry: Mercedes, can I just say that you look fierce in your dress?
Jesse St. James: Totally Mercedes. You both look smokin'.
Mercedes Jones: You're damn straight, we do.
Sam Evans: Seriously though Jessie what do you think of the bolo tie? Pretty cool, right? Saw Springsteen in the cover of Tunnel of Love album wearing it.
Jesse St. James: Dude that was like 20 years ago. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your family, Sam.
Rachel Berry: Um, I hope it's okay; I sort of filled Jessie in on what was going on.
Jesse St. James: Of course it's okay. Sam has nothing to be ashamed of. I know how tough it is out there. I couldn't even get a job as one of those singing waiters at Johnny Rockets. But I've got an idea. They say that the best time to start any business is during a recession. I don't know why or even what a recession is but it's my understanding that we're in one.
Rachel Berry: He's so smart. I can't believe he flunked out of college.
Jesse St. James: So I was thinking. What are the two things that I'm great at? Show choir and destroying the competition. So what if I opened up a dance studio where I could act as a consultant for show choirs looking to get that extra edge?
Mercedes Jones: Do you think there are enough show choirs to keep you in business?
Rachel Berry: Of course there are. That-That's a brilliant idea! You could... You could be like The-The Show Choir Whisperer. I'm sure we could get Mr. Shue to hire him in a second and that's how we can beat Vocal Adrenaline!
Quinn Fabray: Hey guys. You look amazing! And don't forget to vote for Hudson-Fabray tonight.
Finn Hudson: Hey Jessie. What'd you order scrambled eggs? I mean I know you usually like them served on people's heads.
Jesse St. James: Quinn you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night. I'll be more than happy to cut in.
Mercedes Jones: Okay hush you guys. You're totally ruining the vibe. Quinn you look hot. Finn you look handsome. Love you guys but get lost. We'll see you there. All right. This is gonna be off the hook.
Sam Evans: Who's ready for some prom?
Rachel Berry: I'm ready for prom.
Sam Evans: Go prom.
Mercedes Jones: I like prom.
Rachel Berry: Cheers guys.



Artie Abrams: # Ooh ooh ooh yeah yeah yeah #
Sam Evans: # Ah ah-ah-ah ah ah #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah yeah #
Sam Evans: # Ooh ooh yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah-ah-ah yeah-ah-ah #
# Yeah-ah-ah yeah-ah-ah #
# Yeah yeah yeah #
Noah Puckerman: # 7:00 a.m. waking up in the morning #
# Got to be fresh got to go downstairs #
# Got to have my bowl got to have cereal #
Artie Abrams: # Cereal #
Noah Puckerman: # Seein' everything the time is goin' #
# Tickin' on and on everybody's rushin' #
Artie Abrams: # Tickin' on and on #
Noah Puckerman: # Got to get down to the bus stop #
# Got to catch my bus I see my friends #
Artie Abrams: # I see my friends #
Sam Evans: # Kickin' in the front seat sittin' in the back seat #
# Got to make my mind up which seat can I take? #
Noah Puckerman: # It's Friday Friday got to get down on Friday #
# Everybody's looking forward to the weekend weekend #
Sam Evans: # Friday Friday gettin' down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fun fun fun fun lookin' forward to the weekend #
Sam Evans: # Yesterday was Thursday Thursday #
# Today is Friday Friday #
Noah Puckerman: # Partyin' #
Sam Evans: # We-We-We so excited #
Noah Puckerman: # Partyin' #
Sam Evans: # We so excited #
# We gonna have a ball today #
# Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards #
# I don't want this weekend to end #
Artie Abrams: # Yeah, yeah. R-T, Artie Abrams #
# So chillin' in the front seat #
Noah Puckerman: # In the front seat #
Artie Abrams: # In the back seat #
Noah Puckerman: # In the back seat #
Artie Abrams: # I'm drivin' cruisin' #
Noah Puckerman: # Yeah yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fast lanes switchin' lanes with a car up on my side #
# Whoo come on passin' by is a school bus in front of me #
# Makes tick tock tick tock wanna scream #
# Check my time it's Friday it's a weekend #
# We gonna have fun come on come on y'all #
Noah Puckerman: # It's Friday Friday got to get down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend weekend #
# Friday Friday gettin' down on Friday #
# Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Partyin' partyin' #
All: # Yeah #
Artie Abrams: # Fun fun fun fun lookin' forward to the weekend. #
Brittany S. Pierce: Best prom ever!



Rachel Berry: # I know I can't take one more step towards you #
# 'Cause all that's waiting is regret #
# And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? #
# You lost the love I loved the most #
# I learned to live half-alive #
# And now you want me one more time #
# And who do you think you are? #
# Runnin' round leaving scars #
# Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart #
# You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul #
# So don't come back for me #
# Who do you think you are? #
Kurt Hummel: Isn't it great that the prom is so inclusive this year?
Rachel Berry: # It took so long just to feel all right #.
Blaine Anderson: Someone for everyone.
Kurt Hummel: Even if it's a lie.
Rachel Berry: # Remember how to put #
# Back the light in my eyes #
# I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed #
# ' Cause you broke all your promises #
# And now you're back #
# You don't get to get me back #
# And who do you think you are? #
Sam Evans: Mercedes?
Mercedes Jones: Yes.
Sam Evans: I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful.
Rachel Berry: # Collecting your jar of hearts #.
Sam Evans: Would you like to dance?
Rachel Berry: # And tearing love apart #
Mercedes Jones: I'd love to.
Rachel Berry: # You're gonna catch a cold #
# From the ice inside your soul #
# Don't come back for me #
# Don't come back at all #
# Who do you think you are? #
# Who do you think you are? #
# Who do you think you are? #
Quinn Fabray: I'm so happy to be here with you. It's what I've always wanted.
Noah Puckerman: Tora Tora Tora. It's go time. Hey Coach. Want to boogie?
Sue Sylvester: There's no music.
Noah Puckerman: It's okay. I got the music in me.
Sue Sylvester: Ah-ah! In my office... now!



Artie Abrams: What are you doing?
Sue Sylvester: I'm just showing you my dental kit.
Artie Abrams: Oh my God. You're going to start pulling out my teeth out, aren't you?
Sue Sylvester: No, no. That would get me sent to prison. What I am going to do is attempt to give you a simple cleaning which as anyone who's been to the dentist will tell you is an excruciating affair of intense oral pain.
Artie Abrams: What?! No it isn't. Who's your dentist?
Sue Sylvester: Sue Sylvester DDS. Now we can get all HMO up in your Glee-hole or you can tell me who put you up to spiking my bowl. Come on Legs. It was Puckerman, wasn't it? Oh he'll get expelled and you'll be one Mohawk short at Nationals.
Artie Abrams: Please let me go. All I want is to get back out there and have one dance with Brittany.
Sue Sylvester: Okay let me get this straight. I'm trying to interrogate you and you just told me the one thing you really want. You are the worst P.O.W. Ever. John McCain is rolling over in his grave.



Blaine Anderson: # You are the girl #
# That I've been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl #
# You are the girl that I've been dreaming of #
# Ever since I was a little girl #
Tina & Brittany: # One #
Blaine Anderson: # I'm biting my tongue #
Tina & Brittany: # Two #
Blaine Anderson: # He's kissin' on you #
Tina & Brittany: # Three #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh why can't you see? #
Tina & Brittany: # One two three four #
Blaine Anderson: # The word's on the streets and it's on the news #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you #
# He's got two left feet and he bites my moves #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to #
Tina & Brittany: # Dance dance dance dance #
Blaine Anderson: # The second I do I know we're gonna be through #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you #
# He don't suspect a thing #
# I wish he'd get a clue #
# I'm not gonna teach him how to #
Tina & Brittany: # Dance dance dance dance #
Blaine Anderson: # Oh oh... #
# Dance #
Finn Hudson: Hey!
Tina & Brittany: # One #
Finn Hudson: Hey! Hey dude keep it PG.
Jesse St. James: Dude it's none of YB...Your business.
Tina & Brittany: # Dance #
Finn Hudson: Well this is my school so it's my business.
Jesse St. James: Well this isn't your girlfriend so beat it MJ.
Tina & Brittany: # Dance #.
Jesse St. James: Don't push me.
Quinn Fabray: What's the matter with you?
Finn Hudson: Huh?
Rachel Berry: Stop it!
Quinn Fabray: You're ruining everything.



Becky Jackson: Code Blue in the gym Coach!



Blaine Anderson: # Oh oh he's got two left feet... #
Rachel Berry: Stop it! Hey! Come on.
Blaine Anderson: # Dance dance dance dance #
# Dance dance dance dance dance! #
Sue Sylvester: Prom is over for you Sugar Ray! You too Marvelous Marvin! You're out! Let's go!
Rachel Berry: What?!
Finn Hudson: What do you mean out?!
Quinn Fabray: Wait but... he and I are nominated for prom...
Sue Sylvester: Sucks for you sister!



Principal Figgins: Attention students attention. Will the candidates for king and queen gather on the stage. The votes are in. This is the moment you've all been waiting for where we announce our Junior Prom King and also Prom Queen. Roll the drum please. And this year's Junior Prom King is... David Karofsky!
Santana Lopez: You suck so bad Quinn Fabray. I won.
Principal Figgins: And now... Your 2011 McKinley High Prom Queen... ...with an overwhelming number of write-in votes is... Kurt Hummel.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt? Stop! Kurt!



Kurt Hummel: I've never been so humiliated!
Blaine Anderson: Kurt. Stop. Stop Kurt! Please just stop. Come on.
Kurt Hummel: Don't you get how stupid we were? We thought that because no one was teasing us or beating us up that-that no one cared. Like... like some kind of progress had been made. But it's still the same.
Blaine Anderson: It's just a stupid joke.
Kurt Hummel: No it's not. All that hate... They were just afraid to say it out loud. So they did it by secret ballot. I'm one big anonymous practical joke.



Rachel Berry: Quinn you need to calm down.
Quinn Fabray: This is your fault! Nobody ever would have voted for me 'cause they know he would rather be with you.
Rachel Berry: That's not true.
Quinn Fabray: I'm so sorry.



Santana Lopez: How could my running mate win and I didn't? I mean just because I hate everybody doesn't mean they have to hate me too.
Brittany S. Pierce: It's just a stupid crown you can buy at the Party Store.
Santana Lopez: I'm gonna be an outsider my whole life. Can't I just... have one night where I'm queen?
Kurt Hummel: I'm not going back in there.
Santana Lopez: Where I'm accepted?
Kurt Hummel: No way.
Quinn Fabray: There's no way I'm staying at this school I'm gonna transfer.
Santana Lopez: Soon as we get to New York I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony. Or Tribeca.



Blaine Anderson: Would you at least sit down? Do you want to go? We don't have to go back in there.
Kurt Hummel: Wasn't this prom supposed to be about redemption? About taking away that lump you had in your throat from running away? If we leave all it's gonna do is give me a lump too.
Blaine Anderson: So what do you want to do?
Kurt Hummel: I'm gonna go back in there and get coronated. I'm gonna show them that it doesn't matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back they can't touch me. That they can't touch us. Or what we have.



Rachel Berry: Most girls would be upset about being slapped in the face but I happen to appreciate the drama of it.
Quinn Fabray: I know you think it's hard to be you Rachel but at least you don't have to be terrified all the time.
Rachel Berry: What are you so scared of?
Quinn Fabray: The future. When all this is gone.
Rachel Berry: You have nothing to be scared of. You're a very pretty girl Quinn. You're the prettiest girl I've ever met but... you're a lot more than that. Here. Can I help?



Santana Lopez: They must have sensed that I was a lesbian. I mean they must have. Do I smell like a golf course?
Brittany S. Pierce: People don't know what you're hiding they just... they know that you're not being yourself. If you were to embrace all the awesomeness that you are you would've won.
Santana Lopez: How do you know?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because I voted for you. And because I believe in you Santana.
Santana Lopez: This prom sucks! Now what am I supposed to do?
Brittany S. Pierce: Go back out there and be there for Kurt. This is gonna be a lot harder for him than it is for you.



Blaine Anderson: Are you ready for this?



Sue Sylvester: Well Stumbles it's 10:00 p.m. You've officially missed your prom.
Artie Abrams: I'm not gonna rat somebody out for doing something that I did. I was upset and I wanted to impress a girl. But I wasn't down on getting everybody wasted so I poured a flask of lemonade into the punch.
Sue Sylvester: Wait. You didn't spike the punch?
Artie Abrams: Yes I did.
Sue Sylvester: With alcohol?
Artie Abrams: Oh. Yeah then no I didn't.
Sue Sylvester: Well why didn't you tell me that before? I was just about to pull out a couple of your molars.
Artie Abrams: So can I go?
Sue Sylvester: You should really be ashamed of yourself. You are seriously no fun to interrogate or almost torture.



Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh my God. I feel so bad for him.
Principal Figgins: Ladies and gentlemen your 2011 Prom Queen Kurt Hummel.
Kurt Hummel: Eat your heart out Kate Middleton.
Principal Figgins: And now behold the tradition of our 2011. Prom King and Queen sharing their first dance.
Kurt Hummel: Now's your moment.
Dave Karofsky: What?
Kurt Hummel: Come out. Make a difference.
Mercedes & Santana: # Ah ah ah... #
# Ah-ah ah ah ah... #
Dave Karofsky: I can't.
Mercedes & Santana: # Ah ah-ah... #
Blaine Anderson: Excuse me.
Mercedes & Santana: # Oh yeah #
Blaine Anderson: May I have this dance?
Mercedes & Santana: # You can dance you can jive #.
Kurt Hummel: Yes. Yes you may.
Mercedes & Santana: # Having the time of your life #
# Ooh ooh ooh #
# See that girl #
# Watch that scene #
# Diggin' the dancing queen #
Santana Lopez: # Friday night and the lights are low #
# Lookin' out for a place to go #
# Oh where they play the right music #
# Getting in the swing #
# You come to look for a king #
Mercedes & Santana: # And when you get the chance #
# You are the dancing queen #
# Young and sweet #
# Only seventeen #
# Dancing queen #
# Feel the beat #
# From the tambourine #
# Oh yeah #
Santana Lopez: # You can dance #
Mercedes Jones: # You can sing #
Santana Lopez: # You can jive #
Santana Lopez: # You can jive #
Mercedes & Santana: # Having the time #
# Of your life #
# Oh oh oh #
# See that girl #
# Watch that scene #
# Diggin' the dancing queen... #
Mercedes Jones: # Dancing dancing #
# Queen... #
Mercedes & Santana: # Diggin' the dancing queen. #
外部リンク
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 IMDb
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221. Funeral

放送日:2011年5月17日


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Nationals is in New York City, and everyone's really excited. Jessie St. James is back in town, and he's starting a show choir consulting business.
Jesse St. James: Two things that I'm great at... Show choir and destroying the competition.
Ian Brennan: The New Directions should hire him. A.) They really want to win and B.) He's super-handsome. Terri's back, too, and Sue wants the Honey Badger to take out the Glee Club Terri's back, too, and Sue wants the Honey Badger to take out the Glee Club before they can get to New York. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: New Directions, I would like to introduce you to our new show choir consultant... Jessie St. James.
Finn Hudson: I don't trust this guy. How do we know he's not just going to trick us into doing something stupid, so his Alma mater wins?
Jesse St. James: I don't think I need to do much tricking to get you to do something stupid, Finn.
Will Schuester: Guys, Jessie is just a consultant. I still make all the calls. Now, I have all the confidence in the world in you guys. I just think we could use all the help we can get. Because... this is it. We've been working so hard for two years for this moment, and that moment is finally here. Now, I was talking with Jessie, and he agreed that we should continue with our successful trend of doing original songs for the competition. I was thinking of doing one group number and one duet.
Finn Hudson: Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at Regionals with "Faithfully."
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, killed us... we lost.
Jesse St. James: May I?
Will Schuester: Uh, yeah.
Jesse St. James: I agree that Rachel should sing lead, but Finn, I think it's best if you sit this one out. Fact is, most of the other guys in here are better singers, and Mike Chang, who can't even sing, can at least dance. You kind of sing and dance like a zombie who has to poop.
Finn Hudson: You-you see? You see what I'm talking about? The guy's a jerk!
Will Schuester: Jessie, maybe you could, uh, be a little bit gentler with your advice.
Jesse St. James: Gentle?
Will Schuester: Yes.
Jesse St. James: I'm sorry. I didn't realize that we were training for the "good try" ribbon at Nationals. I thought we were in it to win the whole damn thing. And there's only one way we can do that.
Brittany S. Pierce: Poison darts?
Jesse St. James: The Vocal Adrenaline strategy is simple... Identify your best performer and build the entire performance around them.
Mercedes Jones: So what does everyone else do?
Noah Puckerman: And who's our star performer?
Will Schuester: We're going to have auditions to find out. I'm going to post a sign-up sheet later this afternoon.
Finn Hudson: Mr. Shue, don't you think this is kind of not our style?
Sam Evans: Normally, I'd agree with you, Finn, but this is the big time. I think we should listen to Jessie.



Terri Del Monico: I just don't know what you're so angry about.
Sue Sylvester: Honey Badger, I am lactating with rage! The Glee Club travels to New York for Nationals in one week. They have purchased airline tickets... Tickets that I would like to screw up. I asked you to recruit an expert computer hacker, and you bring me this.
Howard Bamboo: Do I get a super villain nickname?
Sue Sylvester: Your nickname is Panda Express.
Howard Bamboo: But I'm not Chinese.
Sue Sylvester: Neither is the food at Panda Express.
Terri Del Monico: Look, I'm on top of this. All the official travel for the school goes through the Lima Heights Travel Agency. All we have to do is e-mail them through Principal Figgins' e-mail account.
Sue Sylvester: So what's the hold up?
Howard Bamboo: We don't know his password.
Sue Sylvester: Principal Figgins is an idiot... Something America is chock full of. What is the most common password in America?
Terri Del Monico: One, two, three, four?
Howard Bamboo: We're in.
Sue Sylvester: Outstanding.
Howard Bamboo: The travel agency sent arday confirming an itinerary with a layover in Chicago before heading on to New York.
Sue Sylvester: Compose an e-mail requesting a flight that's routed through Tripoli.
Terri Del Monico: Tripoli? Wait, isn't that in Libya?
Sue Sylvester: The second that plane touches the tarmac, they'll be swarmed by armed militants.
Terri Del Monico: Wait, are-are we trying to have the Glee Club killed?
Sue Sylvester: Or kidnapped and killed. Panda... make it so.
Terri Del Monico: Someone really woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.
Sue Sylvester: You have no idea.



Becky Jackson: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Becky.
Donna Jackson: Mr. Schuester, I'm Donna Jackson. I'm Becky's mom.



Becky Jackson: I really need to talk to you. I want to be in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Well, that's great, Becky. Can you sing?
Becky Jackson: Not really, but neither can most of the kids in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: But I-I thought you were having such a good time on the Cheerios.
Donna Jackson: Sue kicked her off.



Sue Sylvester: Becky, you're off the Cheerios. I don't want to see you anymore. Is that understood?
Becky Jackson: Did I do something wrong, Coach?
Sue Sylvester: You heard what I said. I want your pom-poms on my desk by the end of the day.



Will Schuester: I... I-I don't know what to say.
Donna Jackson: Becky's been totally depressed. She hasn't been eating...
Becky Jackson: Can I please be in Glee Club, Mr. Shue? I just want to belong.
Will Schuester: Becky... We're a week away from Nationals. I mean... I mean, the... the season is almost over. I'd love for you to join next year. But for now, I... I'm afraid there just isn't a place for you.
Donna Jackson: We understand. Thank you for your time.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Becky Jackson: I hate this school.



Will Schuester: You are a terrible person. Becky was loyal to you, Sue. Cheerios gave her a sense of purpose, and then you just rip it away from her for no reason.
Sue Sylvester: I'm going to be honest with you, Will. I do have a reason. She reminds me of my sister.
Will Schuester: What does that have to do with anything? You love your sister.
Sue Sylvester: I do, William, and she died yesterday.
Will Schuester: What?
Sue Sylvester: You know, when we were younger, people always told me Jean wouldn't live very long. Used to be that people with Down's didn't live past 30. But then she turned 35, and then 40, and when she turned 50, I thought, somehow, we might grow old together. Last week, she got pneumonia. Doctor said it wasn't bad, and they put her on antibiotics. I was there with her. I wanted to stay the night, and she told me to go home. At 2:00 A.M., I got the call that she had passed away in her sleep.
Will Schuester: Sue, I am so sorry.
Sue Sylvester: Could you leave me alone, please?



Rachel Berry: To think, two short years ago, I was marching down this hall to sign up for Glee Club auditions. And now, look at me... look at us. Nationals. So much has changed. I didn't have my bangs, I'd never had a boyfriend, and I still had a tiny layer of baby fat. But there's one thing that hasn't changed... my dreams. I'm still going to be a star, which means I would kill to get this solo. Hey, you haven't signed up to be the lead vocalist at Nationals. Santana, Mercedes and Kurt have. Hey. You're the male lead of this group, Finn. Everybody looks to you for guidance.
Finn Hudson: I don't need Nationals to feel better about myself.
Rachel Berry: We-we-we've... we've been working towards this moment for two years now.
Finn Hudson: And I've been busting my ass to be a better singer and dancer for two years. And that Jessie ki comes in, and he wipes out all that hard work in ten seconds. My confidence is shot.
Rachel Berry: No, you're... you're really good, Finn. Okay? You have to believe me.
Finn Hudson: I'm... I'm Lima good. Not New York City good. R-Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm not auditioning.



Emma Pillsbury: Wow, Will. That's a lot of vests. Um, okay... let's get started. So I've got one box for going with you, one box for storage and one box for giving away.
Will Schuester: I'm not going away forever, Emma. Rehearsals for April's show start two days after Nationals, and then opening night is three weeks later. I'm guessing we close that night and then I'm back on a bus, back to my vests the next day.
Emma Pillsbury: Will you stop? Stop with all that. You're too afraid to admit that you're leaving, but you are. That's why you've asked me to help pack up your apartment, and that's why we're going through your vests. Do the kids know?
Will Schuester: No way. Can't let anything distract them from the task at hand. Besides, by the time they get back from summer break, I'll be home. You are so organized.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Whoa. That one's a keeper. I wore this the first week of Glee Club.
Emma Pillsbury: Mmm. Right. What about, um... what about this one? Will, did you wear this the first time you tried the new coffee machine in the teacher's lounge?
Will Schuester: That's the one I was wearing the first time I met you.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, you know what? You have to let it all go. You're following your dreams.



Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester?
Finn Hudson: We brought you some flowers and stuff. We're sorry for your loss.
Sue Sylvester: Put them over there with the rest. There were more arrangements, but I had to throw some of them out. I'm allergic to pansies. And I don't mean that as a swipe at either of you. So... why'd you bother doing this... Buying me flowers, comforting me... after I've actively made your life a living hell and enjoyed doing it?
Kurt Hummel: We both know what it's like to lose someone really close to you.
Finn Hudson: I sort of do. My dad died when I was a baby.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah. His dad's dead, and my mom's dead.
Sue Sylvester: So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this?
Kurt Hummel: Not at all.
Sue Sylvester: 'Cause if I was being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don't know how to deal with this. I can't go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jean's things. And I won't plan a funeral.
Kurt Hummel: Have you told your mother yet?
Sue Sylvester: As far as I'm concerned, she said her good-byes to us years ago. If you boys would really like to help me, you might start by explaining why it was her time and not mine. She's the sweetest person I ever met. And as both of you can attest, I'm probably the meanest, so how come I'm the one still standing here talking to you?



Finn Hudson: We need to help her. She's overwhelmed, and... She needs us to help her.
Santana Lopez: Seriously? I'd like to put the "fun" back in "funeral" just as much as the next girl, but why would the Glee Club help Coach Sylvester plan a service?
Kurt Hummel: We're not doing it for Sue; We're doing it for her sister.
Finn Hudson: Jean is just like us, guys. I mean, she's been an outsider and an underdog all of her life. We, of all people, should celebrate that.
Jesse St. James: Can I say something? When someone dies, yes, it's a tragedy, but it's also a part of life. And you can't let death put your life on hold. Now, I don't mean to be blunt, but I don't think you should be planning a funeral the same week you should be focusing on the set list for Nationals.
Finn Hudson: Seriously? You... you're serious?
Jesse St. James: Actually, yes, I am. Do you know what Vocal Adrenaline is doing right now? They're in their third week of 24-hour-a-day rehearsals. They're on an I.V. drip. That's how hard they're working. Do you know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop, like Weekend at Bernie's.
Finn Hudson: No. Thanks for your input, Jessie, but we're helping Sue with the service for her sister. Rachel, you said I needed to be more of a leader of this club... well, here goes. I'm making the call. We're doing this.



Will Schuester: Sue, hold on a second. Finn and Kurt told me that you agreed to let the Glee Club help out with your sister's funeral, and I... I just wanted to say that we're honored, and it takes a big person to reach out like that and ask for help.
Sue Sylvester: I didn't ask for help; They volunteered. And I only agreed on the condition that. Frankenteen and Lady Trousers help me clean out Jean's room at the nursing home. They look like they could use the exercise, and I like the idea of using your Glee club as unpaid labor.
Will Schuester: Sue, I know you're going through a hard time right now. And despite our differences, I just, I just want you to know that you can lean on me if you need to.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, William, I wouldn't dare lean on you. So much grease in your hair, I'd probably slide right off.



Will Schuester: I'm still not convinced that this is the best idea. I don't want any of the kids to feel like they're losers.
Jesse St. James: But that's a crucial part of the process. You see, I took a class at UCLA in judging for reality TV shows, so I'm totally ready to give feedback that's both blistering and unhelpful. It was a really good class. I learned a lot. We're ready for the first contestant.
Santana Lopez: My name is Santana Lopez, and I will be singing Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black." #
# He left no time to regret #
# Kept his lips wet #
# With his same old safe bet #
# Me and my head high #
# And my tears dry #
# Get on without my guy #
# And I tread a troubled track #
# My odds are stacked #
# I go back to black #
# We only said good-bye with words #
# I died a hundred times #
# You go back to her #
# And I go back to... #
# Black #
# Black #
# I go back to #
# I go back to... #
# We only said good-bye with words #
# I died a hundred times #
# You go back to her #
# And I go back to black. #
Will Schuester: Fantastic, Santana.
Jesse St. James: Thanks so much for coming in.
Santana Lopez: Wait, th-that's all you have to say? You spent the entire performance scribbling notes.
Jesse St. James: Well, if you really must know, I was simply writing down that I don't think that your performance went very deep into the emotional truth of the song.
Santana Lopez: Oh, is that so? Well, I happen to have some feedback for you.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Santana, th-that's all we'll need.
Santana Lopez: I'm about to go all Lima Heights.
Will Schuester: Th-Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing. "Some People" from Gypsy.
Will Schuester: Ah, great selection, Kurt. Hit it.
Kurt Hummel: # Some people can get a thrill #
# Knitting sweaters and sitting still #
# That's okay for some people #
# Who don't know they're alive #
# Some people can thrive and bloom #
# Living life in the living room #
# That's perfect for some people #
# Of 105 #
# But I at least gotta try #
# When I think of all the sights that I gotta see #
# And all the places I gotta play #
# All the things that I gotta be at #
# Come on, Papa, what do you say? #
# Some people can be content #
# Playing bingo and paying rent #
# That's peachy for some people #
# For some humdrum people to be #
# But some people ain't me #
# I had a dream #
# A wonderful dream, Papa #
# Good-bye to blueberry pie #
# Good riddance to all the socials I had to go to #
# All the lodges I had to play #
# All the Shriners I said hello to #
# Hey, L.A., I'm coming your way #
# Some people sit on their butts #
# Got the dream, yeah, but not the guts #
# That's living for some people #
# For some humdrum people, I suppose #
# Well, they can stay and rot #
# But not Rose. #
Will Schuester: All right. Good job, buddy.
Jesse St. James: Kurt... You do know that song was meant to be sung by a woman, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, I'm aware. And the Glee Club sort of dealt with that whole boys singing songs that are meant for girls.
Jesse St. James: Oh.
Kurt Hummel: It's kind of old news.
Jesse St. James: Then you must know that that song was done to great fanfare by such Broadway legends as. Merman, LuPone, Bernadette. Those are some awfully big heels to fill, and I'm just not quite sure that you nailed it. Usually, at this point, the reality show would go to commercial, then we would take a five minute break to regroup and get touch-ups done on our makeup. So I'm gonna hit the little boys' room. You're doing a great job, though. I really think that you should comment more. Don't be shy.



Kurt Hummel: Jessie St. James totally Jessie St. Sucks. He said I shouldn't be singing girl songs. I make my living singing girl songs.
Rachel Berry: I think the winner of four show choir championships might be able to give us all some valuable insight.
Mercedes Jones: We know you're in love with him, Rachel, but do you have to be so obvious?
Rachel Berry: Don't use the fact that Jessie and I once had feelings for each other as an excuse for my inevitable win.
Kurt Hummel: Correction: You had feelings for him, he made breakfast on your head.
Rachel Berry: Look, Jessie and I both appreciate the integrity of show choir too much to soil the competition. He's just gonna vote for whoever is best.
Santana Lopez: That would be me. You guys can fight over who's gonna come in second all you want, because I kicked that song square in the balls. I'm so gonna win this thing.
Mercedes Jones: No bother warming up, Rachel. I'm about to go out there and wrap this thing up like a Christmas present.



Mercedes Jones: # Oh, she may get weary #
# Them young girls... they do get wearied #
# Wearing that same old shaggy dress #
# Yeah #
# But when she gets weary #
# Try a little tenderness #
# Oh, maybe, Mmm #
# You won't regret it, no #
# Young girls... they don't forget it #
# Love is their whole happiness #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# But it's all so easy #
# All you got to do is try #
# Try a little tenderness #
# Yeah, all youot to do isman #
# Hold her where you want her #
# Squeeze her, don'tease her #
# Never leave her #
# Get to her, got to try #
# Try a little nderness #
# Oh, yeah #
# Squeeze her, don'tease her #
# Never leave her #
# Try, try, try, yeah #
# Tenderness #
# Oh, yeah #
# You got to, you got to, yeah, yeah #
# Rub her gentle, man #
# Don't bruise her, no, no #
# You g to loveer, tease r, squee her, ye #
# Try a ltle tenderness. #
Will Schuester: Woo! Wow, Mercedes! Just... wow. You know, seeing you up there brought me back to the first time you auditioned for Glee Club. You were great back then, but you were just amazing now. Thank you for singing that. And thank you for reminding me where we started, and where we're going to now: Nationals.
Mercedes Jones: Thank you, Mr. Shue. I couldn't have done it without you.
Jesse St. James: You're not a star, you're just a girl who can really sing.
Mercedes Jones: Ex-Excuse me?
Jesse St. James: I don't think you want this badly enough, Mercedes. How many times did you practice that song?
Mercedes Jones: Practice? No, I feel my material, and I sing with emotion. I'm in the moment, Mr. St. James. I don't need to practice.
Jesse St. James: Actually, you do. And how long did you work on that choreography? Oh, wait, there was none. You're lazy, Mercedes.
Mercedes Jones: Not too lazy to come up there and let you taste my fist!
Jesse St. James: Whoever gets this solo is gonna have to work on it day and night. Do you think you're ready for that?
Will Schuester: I do.
Jesse St. James: I don't.
Mercedes Jones: I hate him.
Rachel Berry: Hi. My name is Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing the most difficult song I've ever sung.
Will Schuester: Great. What song?
Rachel Berry: Uh, Barbra's closing number to my favorite movie... Funny Girl.
Jesse St. James: Rachel, in your head, are you singing to anyone in particular?
Rachel Berry: Not really.
Jesse St. James: Oh.
Rachel Berry: # Oh, my man, I love him so #
# He'll never know #
# All my life is just despair #
# But I don't care #
# When he takes me in his arms #
# The world is bright #
# All right #
# What's the difference if I say #
# I'll go away #
# When I know I'll come back #
# On my knee someday? #
# For whatever my man is #
# I am his #
# Forevermore #
# Oh, my man, I love him so #
# He'll never know #
# All my life is just despair #
# But I don't care #
# When he takes me in his arms #
# The world is bright #
# All right #
# What's the difference if I say #
# I'll go away #
# When I know I'll come back #
# On my knee someday? #
# For whatever my man is #
# I am his #
# Forevermore. #
Kurt Hummel: She may be difficult, but boy, can she sing. Bravo!
Jesse St. James: I have to be honest. That was brilliant. I have nothing but the tip of my hat.
Santana Lopez: Garbage. This whole thing is rigged.
Will Schuester: Hold on, Santana. Like I said before, I make the final call here.
Mercedes Jones: Well, then, make it.
Will Schuester: Out of respect to you all, I'm going to take a couple days and consider all the results. Now, I will let you all know by Friday. Great job, everyone.



Kurt Hummel: We sorted Jean's stuff into piles. Over there are some old magazines and newspapers that you can just toss out.
Finn Hudson: And this is stuff you're definitely going to want to keep. Uh, photos and stuffed animals. And this third pile is stuff that we don't really know what to do with. Um...
Kurt Hummel: Pom-pom.
Sue Sylvester: Toss it. It's not worth anything.
Kurt Hummel: Are you sure?
Finn Hudson: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, I love that movie.
Sue Sylvester: Then, you can take it. It's probably worn out. She watched it at least three times a week. Just toss it all out.
Kurt Hummel: What?
Sue Sylvester: You heard me. It's all junk. I'll take the stuffed animal. Jean's had this since she was six. Everything else, just toss it out; I don't need it.
Finn Hudson: But there are a lot of memories here.
Sue Sylvester: You know, I'm not short on memories of my sister, so...
Kurt Hummel: I know what it's like to lose someone. When someone dies, it hurts.
Sue Sylvester: Very astute, Porcelain. That's a little nugget of wisdom I'd really like to jot down.
Finn Hudson: Coach Sylvester, we're just trying to help.
Sue Sylvester: You know what, Cottage Cheese? You're not helping. You're actually making things worse. So do me a favor and take all this stuff to the Dumpster on your way to the rehearsal for whatever treacly ballad you're planning on using to ruin my sister's funeral.
Kurt Hummel: Why did you agree to this, then? If you hate us so much, then why are you letting the Glee Club plan the service?
Sue Sylvester: I was afraid no one would come. Jean didn't know a lot of people. I figured, with the Glee Club there, at least she'd have a full house.



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. You look nice.
Sue Sylvester: Thank you for coming. Jean always stood up for you when I told her stories about how evil your hair was. Did anyone come?
Will Schuester: It's a full house, actually. Workers from the home, other residents, their families. Your sister touched a lot of people.
Sue Sylvester: Thank you.
Finn Hudson: What do you think, Coach Sylvester?
Kurt Hummel: You told us that Willy Wonka was Jean's favorite movie.
Finn Hudson: The way you described Jean made her sound so special, so we wanted her funeral to be special, also.
Kurt Hummel: Something to capture and express the Joy of her life, rather than the sadness of her death.
Sue Sylvester: It's lovely.
Will Schuester: Let's sit.
Reverend: Welcome to the most unusual funeral that I have ever attended. Which makes sense, because Jean was the most unusual person that I ever had the pleasure to spend every Sunday for the last 30 years with. I think that Jean's sister Sue would like to say a few words.
Sue Sylvester: I miss my sister. Every night, at 10:00 or so, she used to call me on the phone, and when I asked her why... She'd tell me that her body told her... She wanted to hear my voice.
Will Schuester: Hey... I'll read it. "I miss my sister. The smell of her shampoo. The way she could always convince me to read her another book. When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them. And now, every time I reach for that tether, I know there's no one on the other end, and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness. Then I remember Jean. I remember a life led with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets... and I'm inspired... to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my sister so much. It feels like a piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time, I want to hold her. Ten more seconds... is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can't and I won't, and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So, for now, I'm just going to miss her. I love you, Jeanie. Rest in peace."
Finn Hudson: This was Jean's favorite song.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.
Kurt Hummel: # Come with me #
# And you'll be #
# In a world #
# Of pure imagination #
Finn Hudson: # Take a look #
# And you'll see #
# Into your imagination #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # We'll begin #
# With a spin #
# Traveling in the world of my creation #
Artie Abrams: # What we'll see #
# Will defy #
# Explanation #
New Directions: # If you want to view paradise #
# Simply look around and view it #
# Anything you want to, do it #
# Want to change the world #
Kurt Hummel: # There's nothing to it #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # There is no #
# Life I know #
# To compare with pure imagination #
Kurt Hummel: # Living there, you'll be free #
# If you truly... #
New Directions: # Wish to be. #
Sue Sylvester: Thank you.



Quinn Fabray: Sorry. Long line in the restroom. Everyone was fixing their mascara.
Finn Hudson: Mm.
Quinn Fabray: You did such a great job with the funeral. I'm so proud of you. Why are you crying?
Finn Hudson: Because I'm breaking up with you.
Quinn Fabray: Because of Rachel? 'Cause you still love her?
Finn Hudson: I shouldn't have done this with you. I thought that I could fix everything from last year, but I... I can't. I just can't, and that feeling that Sue was talking about in there of being tethered to someone... I... I just... I don't feel that way about you.
Quinn Fabray: But you do with her? No. We're not breaking up. I can handle your confusion with Rachel until you get over it. We're gonna stay together, and next year, we'll be prom king and queen...
Finn Hudson: Just stop it. Okay? I don't want that life. Don't you feel anything anymore? This is real. This is happening.
Quinn Fabray: Are you happy now? Is this me feeling enough for you?
Finn Hudson: Quinn, I'm sorry. I still love you.
Quinn Fabray: Just don't touch me!



Brittany S. Pierce: Action.
Jesse St. James: Well, it was a tough competition, but here's the dope. Santana... too mean. Kurt... too controversial. Mercedes... I said it twice, and I'll say it again. Lazy B-O-N-E-S. Rachel is the clear winner.
Will Schuester: I'm really not comfortable having this conversation taped.
Jesse St. James: Well, I can't practice reality show judging without a camera. It's like practicing skiing without skis.
Brittany S. Pierce: I've totally done that.
Will Schuester: Okay, Brittany, can you just turn that thing off? Just the off switch... right... right over there. Just...
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I know how to turn it off. Thanks. Okay. It's cool. Jessie, maybe you can come on. Fondue for Two and judge my Cat.
Jesse St. James: Rock and roll.
Will Schuester: I have to be honest, Jessie. The more we talk about this, the more uncomfortable I feel about all of it. It just feels like I'm telling one of my children that they're my favorite.
Jesse St. James: Well, that's what my parents told me in front of my siblings. Sure, some might say that it led to my brother's whippet addiction and my sister's bulimia, but my parents owed them the truth.
Will Schuester: You really think picking Rachel means we beat Vocal Adrenaline?
Jesse St. James: It's in the bag.



Becky Jackson: Coach, can I come in?
Sue Sylvester: Hello, Becky.
Becky Jackson: I'm turning in my pom-poms and the megaphone that you got me. I'll miss our time together...
Sue Sylvester: I'm gonna stop you right there, Becky. Have you ever heard of menopause? Well, I fired you in a hormonal fury I like to call womb rage, and I apologize. Now I'd like you to pick up those pom-poms and that megaphone. You know why? Next year, you're Captain of the Cheerios.
Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh, thanks, Coach! Got to call my mom!
Sue Sylvester: Uh, hold it right there. I'm not finished. I want you to give me a hug. Come here.



Sue Sylvester: That seat taken?
Will Schuester: No.
Sue Sylvester: William, I have to say something. In the history of our relationship, I've said many things to you, but there's one thing I've never said. Good luck. You know, I spent all this time hating you, and hating that Glee Club. I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most. Right now, it's the dancing Asian. But after what you did for my sister, I just can't do it anymore. You have something Jean had that I do not have. A pure heart. You're a very good friend, William, and I have not been that to you.
Will Schuester: Yeah, you really haven't.
Sue Sylvester: So, it's time for a change. Starting today, I will no longer be going after the Glee Club. Frankly, I have bigger fish to fry. I'm running for the United States House of Representatives.
Will Schuester: I'm... I'm sorry. What-What did you say?
Sue Sylvester: In the last year of her life, Jean faced ballooning health care costs and cuts to her disability payments. Well, the Sue Sylvester American Liberty Party thinks that's a load of phooey. There is one slight problem. In a fit of pique, I rerouted the Glee Club's plane to Libya.
Will Schuester: Wait... what?!
Sue Sylvester: It took some effort. It was a long fit of pique. I had some help... Panda Express really came through for me.
Will Schuester: So we're not going to New York?
Terri Del Monico: I can explain that.
Sue Sylvester: Will, I'm gonna leave you two alone, as this just became super awkward.



Will Schuester: These are first-class tickets on American Airlines. How did you afford them?
Terri Del Monico: Well, do you know that if you complain to the airline about contracting monkey pox in the bathroom on the plane, you can get the president of the airline on the phone within an hour?
Will Schuester: But you didn't?
Terri Del Monico: No, of course not. Have you been on their planes? They're immaculate. No, it turns out that one of the vice presidents of American Airlines is a big supporter of the arts or something, so when I told him your Glee Club's sob story, he gladly came up with the tickets for you guys to make it happen.
Will Schuester: This is amazing, Terri. Wait. What's the catch?
Terri Del Monico: I'm moving to Miami. Sheets N' Things is opening a new branch down there, and they have asked me to manage it.
Will Schuester: Like, full on manager?
Terri Del Monico: The assistant title is officially dropped. Look, Will, I know that I made your life... challenging sometimes, but... it was only because I loved you so much.
Will Schuester: I loved you, too. We just weren't right. No regrets, though.
Terri Del Monico: No. Not one.
Will Schuester: Just try to relax a little bit while you're down there, okay?
Terri Del Monico: Oh. Yeah.
Will Schuester: I mean, you deserve to enjoy yourself.
Terri Del Monico: Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Del Monico: I'll see you around, Will.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey. Is everything okay with Terri?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Finally. It is. Is... Are you wearing one of my old vests?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I didn't have the heart to throw it away.
Will Schuester: Emma, this isn't forever.
Emma Pillsbury: I hope it is. Really, Will, you deserve this. You've given so much for so long, and now it's your turn. But, um, don't be a stranger, okay?
Will Schuester: Thank you.



Rachel Berry: Jessie?
Jesse St. James: That's sweet. You remember the masculine click of my designer boots.
Rachel Berry: Okay, why did you ask me to meet you here right before the list goes up? Is this good news, or is it bad news?
Jesse St. James: Rachel, I did wrong by you last year, and I came back to make that wrong right. And I came here to tell you that you're going to be the featured soloist at Nationals in New York.
Rachel Berry: Wait, wait. How do you know? Did Mr. Schuester tell you?
Jesse St. James: Let it suffice to say that I was very involved in the decision.
Rachel Berry: Oh. No. I-I... I feel bad. Everyone else worked so hard. Now they're just going to hate me.
Jesse St. James: They sort of already do, and you know as well as I that sometimes that's the price of fame. I used to think that fame was the only thing that mattered. And now I realize that there's something that matters to me more.
Rachel Berry: What?
Jesse St. James: You. Come on. I think the list is posted.



Santana Lopez: This doesn't make any sense.
Jesse St. James: Guys, it was a tough decision, but it's for the good of the club.
Rachel Berry: Although this is deeply personal, try not to take it personally.
Kurt Hummel: Um, you guys might want to read what the list says.
Rachel Berry: What? Why?



Santana Lopez: Oh, Mr. Shue, thank God you're here to put these trolls out of their misery. Can you just announce my win so that I can get on with teasing the losers?
Kurt Hummel: I heard your performance, Santana. This is mine, and you know it.
Will Schuester: See, Jessie? This is the kind of infighting and "me first" attitudes that I wanted to avoid.
Jesse St. James: What you call infighting, I call motivation. And this is just the beginning. Once we get to Nationals, I'll have them willing to kill each other for that solo.
Will Schuester: No. I've changed my mind. We're going back to what got us here... Original songs sung by the entire club. We're a team, and we're best when we work as one.
Jesse St. James: You're going to lose.
Will Schuester: Whatever we do, we're going to do it together.
Kurt Hummel: Actually, Santana, you sounded pretty good.
Santana Lopez: Thanks. You guys were all pretty dope, too. Even Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I wish I could sound like you do, Santana. I mean, how do you get that raspiness?
Santana Lopez: So nice. I smoke cigars.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, time to get to work. Now, I want two hit songs by the time the wheels touch down at JFK. Come on.
Finn Hudson: Hey. Thanks.
Quinn Fabray: For what?
Finn Hudson: I know you're hurting right now, but it's really cool you didn't quit Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: If I quit Glee Club, my big plans for New York would have been ruined.
Finn Hudson: What plans?
Quinn Fabray: You'll see.


Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed on Glee: Nationals is in New York City, and everyone's really excited. Jessie St. James is back in town, and he's starting a show choir consulting business.
Jesse St. James: Two things that I'm great at... Show choir and destroying the competition.
Ian Brennan: The New Directions should hire him. A.) They really want to win and B.) He's super-handsome. Terri's back, too, and Sue wants the Honey Badger to take out the Glee Club Terri's back, too, and Sue wants the Honey Badger to take out the Glee Club before they can get to New York. And that's what you missed on Glee.



Will Schuester: New Directions, I would like to introduce you to our new show choir consultant... Jessie St. James.
Finn Hudson: I don't trust this guy. How do we know he's not just going to trick us into doing something stupid, so his Alma mater wins?
Jesse St. James: I don't think I need to do much tricking to get you to do something stupid, Finn.
Will Schuester: Guys, Jessie is just a consultant. I still make all the calls. Now, I have all the confidence in the world in you guys. I just think we could use all the help we can get. Because... this is it. We've been working so hard for two years for this moment, and that moment is finally here. Now, I was talking with Jessie, and he agreed that we should continue with our successful trend of doing original songs for the competition. I was thinking of doing one group number and one duet.
Finn Hudson: Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at Regionals with "Faithfully."
Quinn Fabray: Yeah, killed us... we lost.
Jesse St. James: May I?
Will Schuester: Uh, yeah.
Jesse St. James: I agree that Rachel should sing lead, but Finn, I think it's best if you sit this one out. Fact is, most of the other guys in here are better singers, and Mike Chang, who can't even sing, can at least dance. You kind of sing and dance like a zombie who has to poop.
Finn Hudson: You-you see? You see what I'm talking about? The guy's a jerk!
Will Schuester: Jessie, maybe you could, uh, be a little bit gentler with your advice.
Jesse St. James: Gentle?
Will Schuester: Yes.
Jesse St. James: I'm sorry. I didn't realize that we were training for the "good try" ribbon at Nationals. I thought we were in it to win the whole damn thing. And there's only one way we can do that.
Brittany S. Pierce: Poison darts?
Jesse St. James: The Vocal Adrenaline strategy is simple... Identify your best performer and build the entire performance around them.
Mercedes Jones: So what does everyone else do?
Noah Puckerman: And who's our star performer?
Will Schuester: We're going to have auditions to find out. I'm going to post a sign-up sheet later this afternoon.
Finn Hudson: Mr. Shue, don't you think this is kind of not our style?
Sam Evans: Normally, I'd agree with you, Finn, but this is the big time. I think we should listen to Jessie.



Terri Del Monico: I just don't know what you're so angry about.
Sue Sylvester: Honey Badger, I am lactating with rage! The Glee Club travels to New York for Nationals in one week. They have purchased airline tickets... Tickets that I would like to screw up. I asked you to recruit an expert computer hacker, and you bring me this.
Howard Bamboo: Do I get a super villain nickname?
Sue Sylvester: Your nickname is Panda Express.
Howard Bamboo: But I'm not Chinese.
Sue Sylvester: Neither is the food at Panda Express.
Terri Del Monico: Look, I'm on top of this. All the official travel for the school goes through the Lima Heights Travel Agency. All we have to do is e-mail them through Principal Figgins' e-mail account.
Sue Sylvester: So what's the hold up?
Howard Bamboo: We don't know his password.
Sue Sylvester: Principal Figgins is an idiot... Something America is chock full of. What is the most common password in America?
Terri Del Monico: One, two, three, four?
Howard Bamboo: We're in.
Sue Sylvester: Outstanding.
Howard Bamboo: The travel agency sent arday confirming an itinerary with a layover in Chicago before heading on to New York.
Sue Sylvester: Compose an e-mail requesting a flight that's routed through Tripoli.
Terri Del Monico: Tripoli? Wait, isn't that in Libya?
Sue Sylvester: The second that plane touches the tarmac, they'll be swarmed by armed militants.
Terri Del Monico: Wait, are-are we trying to have the Glee Club killed?
Sue Sylvester: Or kidnapped and killed. Panda... make it so.
Terri Del Monico: Someone really woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.
Sue Sylvester: You have no idea.



Becky Jackson: Mr. Schuester?
Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Becky.
Donna Jackson: Mr. Schuester, I'm Donna Jackson. I'm Becky's mom.



Becky Jackson: I really need to talk to you. I want to be in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: Well, that's great, Becky. Can you sing?
Becky Jackson: Not really, but neither can most of the kids in Glee Club.
Will Schuester: But I-I thought you were having such a good time on the Cheerios.
Donna Jackson: Sue kicked her off.



Sue Sylvester: Becky, you're off the Cheerios. I don't want to see you anymore. Is that understood?
Becky Jackson: Did I do something wrong, Coach?
Sue Sylvester: You heard what I said. I want your pom-poms on my desk by the end of the day.



Will Schuester: I... I-I don't know what to say.
Donna Jackson: Becky's been totally depressed. She hasn't been eating...
Becky Jackson: Can I please be in Glee Club, Mr. Shue? I just want to belong.
Will Schuester: Becky... We're a week away from Nationals. I mean... I mean, the... the season is almost over. I'd love for you to join next year. But for now, I... I'm afraid there just isn't a place for you.
Donna Jackson: We understand. Thank you for your time.
Will Schuester: Yeah.
Becky Jackson: I hate this school.



Will Schuester: You are a terrible person. Becky was loyal to you, Sue. Cheerios gave her a sense of purpose, and then you just rip it away from her for no reason.
Sue Sylvester: I'm going to be honest with you, Will. I do have a reason. She reminds me of my sister.
Will Schuester: What does that have to do with anything? You love your sister.
Sue Sylvester: I do, William, and she died yesterday.
Will Schuester: What?
Sue Sylvester: You know, when we were younger, people always told me Jean wouldn't live very long. Used to be that people with Down's didn't live past 30. But then she turned 35, and then 40, and when she turned 50, I thought, somehow, we might grow old together. Last week, she got pneumonia. Doctor said it wasn't bad, and they put her on antibiotics. I was there with her. I wanted to stay the night, and she told me to go home. At 2:00 A.M., I got the call that she had passed away in her sleep.
Will Schuester: Sue, I am so sorry.
Sue Sylvester: Could you leave me alone, please?



Rachel Berry: To think, two short years ago, I was marching down this hall to sign up for Glee Club auditions. And now, look at me... look at us. Nationals. So much has changed. I didn't have my bangs, I'd never had a boyfriend, and I still had a tiny layer of baby fat. But there's one thing that hasn't changed... my dreams. I'm still going to be a star, which means I would kill to get this solo. Hey, you haven't signed up to be the lead vocalist at Nationals. Santana, Mercedes and Kurt have. Hey. You're the male lead of this group, Finn. Everybody looks to you for guidance.
Finn Hudson: I don't need Nationals to feel better about myself.
Rachel Berry: We-we-we've... we've been working towards this moment for two years now.
Finn Hudson: And I've been busting my ass to be a better singer and dancer for two years. And that Jessie ki comes in, and he wipes out all that hard work in ten seconds. My confidence is shot.
Rachel Berry: No, you're... you're really good, Finn. Okay? You have to believe me.
Finn Hudson: I'm... I'm Lima good. Not New York City good. R-Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm not auditioning.



Emma Pillsbury: Wow, Will. That's a lot of vests. Um, okay... let's get started. So I've got one box for going with you, one box for storage and one box for giving away.
Will Schuester: I'm not going away forever, Emma. Rehearsals for April's show start two days after Nationals, and then opening night is three weeks later. I'm guessing we close that night and then I'm back on a bus, back to my vests the next day.
Emma Pillsbury: Will you stop? Stop with all that. You're too afraid to admit that you're leaving, but you are. That's why you've asked me to help pack up your apartment, and that's why we're going through your vests. Do the kids know?
Will Schuester: No way. Can't let anything distract them from the task at hand. Besides, by the time they get back from summer break, I'll be home. You are so organized.
Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.
Will Schuester: Whoa. That one's a keeper. I wore this the first week of Glee Club.
Emma Pillsbury: Mmm. Right. What about, um... what about this one? Will, did you wear this the first time you tried the new coffee machine in the teacher's lounge?
Will Schuester: That's the one I was wearing the first time I met you.
Emma Pillsbury: Well, you know what? You have to let it all go. You're following your dreams.



Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester?
Finn Hudson: We brought you some flowers and stuff. We're sorry for your loss.
Sue Sylvester: Put them over there with the rest. There were more arrangements, but I had to throw some of them out. I'm allergic to pansies. And I don't mean that as a swipe at either of you. So... why'd you bother doing this... Buying me flowers, comforting me... after I've actively made your life a living hell and enjoyed doing it?
Kurt Hummel: We both know what it's like to lose someone really close to you.
Finn Hudson: I sort of do. My dad died when I was a baby.
Kurt Hummel: Yeah. His dad's dead, and my mom's dead.
Sue Sylvester: So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this?
Kurt Hummel: Not at all.
Sue Sylvester: 'Cause if I was being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don't know how to deal with this. I can't go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jean's things. And I won't plan a funeral.
Kurt Hummel: Have you told your mother yet?
Sue Sylvester: As far as I'm concerned, she said her good-byes to us years ago. If you boys would really like to help me, you might start by explaining why it was her time and not mine. She's the sweetest person I ever met. And as both of you can attest, I'm probably the meanest, so how come I'm the one still standing here talking to you?



Finn Hudson: We need to help her. She's overwhelmed, and... She needs us to help her.
Santana Lopez: Seriously? I'd like to put the "fun" back in "funeral" just as much as the next girl, but why would the Glee Club help Coach Sylvester plan a service?
Kurt Hummel: We're not doing it for Sue; We're doing it for her sister.
Finn Hudson: Jean is just like us, guys. I mean, she's been an outsider and an underdog all of her life. We, of all people, should celebrate that.
Jesse St. James: Can I say something? When someone dies, yes, it's a tragedy, but it's also a part of life. And you can't let death put your life on hold. Now, I don't mean to be blunt, but I don't think you should be planning a funeral the same week you should be focusing on the set list for Nationals.
Finn Hudson: Seriously? You... you're serious?
Jesse St. James: Actually, yes, I am. Do you know what Vocal Adrenaline is doing right now? They're in their third week of 24-hour-a-day rehearsals. They're on an I.V. drip. That's how hard they're working. Do you know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop, like Weekend at Bernie's.
Finn Hudson: No. Thanks for your input, Jessie, but we're helping Sue with the service for her sister. Rachel, you said I needed to be more of a leader of this club... well, here goes. I'm making the call. We're doing this.



Will Schuester: Sue, hold on a second. Finn and Kurt told me that you agreed to let the Glee Club help out with your sister's funeral, and I... I just wanted to say that we're honored, and it takes a big person to reach out like that and ask for help.
Sue Sylvester: I didn't ask for help; They volunteered. And I only agreed on the condition that. Frankenteen and Lady Trousers help me clean out Jean's room at the nursing home. They look like they could use the exercise, and I like the idea of using your Glee club as unpaid labor.
Will Schuester: Sue, I know you're going through a hard time right now. And despite our differences, I just, I just want you to know that you can lean on me if you need to.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, William, I wouldn't dare lean on you. So much grease in your hair, I'd probably slide right off.



Will Schuester: I'm still not convinced that this is the best idea. I don't want any of the kids to feel like they're losers.
Jesse St. James: But that's a crucial part of the process. You see, I took a class at UCLA in judging for reality TV shows, so I'm totally ready to give feedback that's both blistering and unhelpful. It was a really good class. I learned a lot. We're ready for the first contestant.
Santana Lopez: My name is Santana Lopez, and I will be singing Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black." #
# He left no time to regret #
# Kept his lips wet #
# With his same old safe bet #
# Me and my head high #
# And my tears dry #
# Get on without my guy #
# And I tread a troubled track #
# My odds are stacked #
# I go back to black #
# We only said good-bye with words #
# I died a hundred times #
# You go back to her #
# And I go back to... #
# Black #
# Black #
# I go back to #
# I go back to... #
# We only said good-bye with words #
# I died a hundred times #
# You go back to her #
# And I go back to black. #
Will Schuester: Fantastic, Santana.
Jesse St. James: Thanks so much for coming in.
Santana Lopez: Wait, th-that's all you have to say? You spent the entire performance scribbling notes.
Jesse St. James: Well, if you really must know, I was simply writing down that I don't think that your performance went very deep into the emotional truth of the song.
Santana Lopez: Oh, is that so? Well, I happen to have some feedback for you.
Will Schuester: Thanks, Santana, th-that's all we'll need.
Santana Lopez: I'm about to go all Lima Heights.
Will Schuester: Th-Thank you.
Kurt Hummel: Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing. "Some People" from Gypsy.
Will Schuester: Ah, great selection, Kurt. Hit it.
Kurt Hummel: # Some people can get a thrill #
# Knitting sweaters and sitting still #
# That's okay for some people #
# Who don't know they're alive #
# Some people can thrive and bloom #
# Living life in the living room #
# That's perfect for some people #
# Of 105 #
# But I at least gotta try #
# When I think of all the sights that I gotta see #
# And all the places I gotta play #
# All the things that I gotta be at #
# Come on, Papa, what do you say? #
# Some people can be content #
# Playing bingo and paying rent #
# That's peachy for some people #
# For some humdrum people to be #
# But some people ain't me #
# I had a dream #
# A wonderful dream, Papa #
# Good-bye to blueberry pie #
# Good riddance to all the socials I had to go to #
# All the lodges I had to play #
# All the Shriners I said hello to #
# Hey, L.A., I'm coming your way #
# Some people sit on their butts #
# Got the dream, yeah, but not the guts #
# That's living for some people #
# For some humdrum people, I suppose #
# Well, they can stay and rot #
# But not Rose. #
Will Schuester: All right. Good job, buddy.
Jesse St. James: Kurt... You do know that song was meant to be sung by a woman, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yes, I'm aware. And the Glee Club sort of dealt with that whole boys singing songs that are meant for girls.
Jesse St. James: Oh.
Kurt Hummel: It's kind of old news.
Jesse St. James: Then you must know that that song was done to great fanfare by such Broadway legends as. Merman, LuPone, Bernadette. Those are some awfully big heels to fill, and I'm just not quite sure that you nailed it. Usually, at this point, the reality show would go to commercial, then we would take a five minute break to regroup and get touch-ups done on our makeup. So I'm gonna hit the little boys' room. You're doing a great job, though. I really think that you should comment more. Don't be shy.



Kurt Hummel: Jessie St. James totally Jessie St. Sucks. He said I shouldn't be singing girl songs. I make my living singing girl songs.
Rachel Berry: I think the winner of four show choir championships might be able to give us all some valuable insight.
Mercedes Jones: We know you're in love with him, Rachel, but do you have to be so obvious?
Rachel Berry: Don't use the fact that Jessie and I once had feelings for each other as an excuse for my inevitable win.
Kurt Hummel: Correction: You had feelings for him, he made breakfast on your head.
Rachel Berry: Look, Jessie and I both appreciate the integrity of show choir too much to soil the competition. He's just gonna vote for whoever is best.
Santana Lopez: That would be me. You guys can fight over who's gonna come in second all you want, because I kicked that song square in the balls. I'm so gonna win this thing.
Mercedes Jones: No bother warming up, Rachel. I'm about to go out there and wrap this thing up like a Christmas present.



Mercedes Jones: # Oh, she may get weary #
# Them young girls... they do get wearied #
# Wearing that same old shaggy dress #
# Yeah #
# But when she gets weary #
# Try a little tenderness #
# Oh, maybe, Mmm #
# You won't regret it, no #
# Young girls... they don't forget it #
# Love is their whole happiness #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# But it's all so easy #
# All you got to do is try #
# Try a little tenderness #
# Yeah, all youot to do isman #
# Hold her where you want her #
# Squeeze her, don'tease her #
# Never leave her #
# Get to her, got to try #
# Try a little nderness #
# Oh, yeah #
# Squeeze her, don'tease her #
# Never leave her #
# Try, try, try, yeah #
# Tenderness #
# Oh, yeah #
# You got to, you got to, yeah, yeah #
# Rub her gentle, man #
# Don't bruise her, no, no #
# You g to loveer, tease r, squee her, ye #
# Try a ltle tenderness. #
Will Schuester: Woo! Wow, Mercedes! Just... wow. You know, seeing you up there brought me back to the first time you auditioned for Glee Club. You were great back then, but you were just amazing now. Thank you for singing that. And thank you for reminding me where we started, and where we're going to now: Nationals.
Mercedes Jones: Thank you, Mr. Shue. I couldn't have done it without you.
Jesse St. James: You're not a star, you're just a girl who can really sing.
Mercedes Jones: Ex-Excuse me?
Jesse St. James: I don't think you want this badly enough, Mercedes. How many times did you practice that song?
Mercedes Jones: Practice? No, I feel my material, and I sing with emotion. I'm in the moment, Mr. St. James. I don't need to practice.
Jesse St. James: Actually, you do. And how long did you work on that choreography? Oh, wait, there was none. You're lazy, Mercedes.
Mercedes Jones: Not too lazy to come up there and let you taste my fist!
Jesse St. James: Whoever gets this solo is gonna have to work on it day and night. Do you think you're ready for that?
Will Schuester: I do.
Jesse St. James: I don't.
Mercedes Jones: I hate him.
Rachel Berry: Hi. My name is Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing the most difficult song I've ever sung.
Will Schuester: Great. What song?
Rachel Berry: Uh, Barbra's closing number to my favorite movie... Funny Girl.
Jesse St. James: Rachel, in your head, are you singing to anyone in particular?
Rachel Berry: Not really.
Jesse St. James: Oh.
Rachel Berry: # Oh, my man, I love him so #
# He'll never know #
# All my life is just despair #
# But I don't care #
# When he takes me in his arms #
# The world is bright #
# All right #
# What's the difference if I say #
# I'll go away #
# When I know I'll come back #
# On my knee someday? #
# For whatever my man is #
# I am his #
# Forevermore #
# Oh, my man, I love him so #
# He'll never know #
# All my life is just despair #
# But I don't care #
# When he takes me in his arms #
# The world is bright #
# All right #
# What's the difference if I say #
# I'll go away #
# When I know I'll come back #
# On my knee someday? #
# For whatever my man is #
# I am his #
# Forevermore. #
Kurt Hummel: She may be difficult, but boy, can she sing. Bravo!
Jesse St. James: I have to be honest. That was brilliant. I have nothing but the tip of my hat.
Santana Lopez: Garbage. This whole thing is rigged.
Will Schuester: Hold on, Santana. Like I said before, I make the final call here.
Mercedes Jones: Well, then, make it.
Will Schuester: Out of respect to you all, I'm going to take a couple days and consider all the results. Now, I will let you all know by Friday. Great job, everyone.



Kurt Hummel: We sorted Jean's stuff into piles. Over there are some old magazines and newspapers that you can just toss out.
Finn Hudson: And this is stuff you're definitely going to want to keep. Uh, photos and stuffed animals. And this third pile is stuff that we don't really know what to do with. Um...
Kurt Hummel: Pom-pom.
Sue Sylvester: Toss it. It's not worth anything.
Kurt Hummel: Are you sure?
Finn Hudson: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, I love that movie.
Sue Sylvester: Then, you can take it. It's probably worn out. She watched it at least three times a week. Just toss it all out.
Kurt Hummel: What?
Sue Sylvester: You heard me. It's all junk. I'll take the stuffed animal. Jean's had this since she was six. Everything else, just toss it out; I don't need it.
Finn Hudson: But there are a lot of memories here.
Sue Sylvester: You know, I'm not short on memories of my sister, so...
Kurt Hummel: I know what it's like to lose someone. When someone dies, it hurts.
Sue Sylvester: Very astute, Porcelain. That's a little nugget of wisdom I'd really like to jot down.
Finn Hudson: Coach Sylvester, we're just trying to help.
Sue Sylvester: You know what, Cottage Cheese? You're not helping. You're actually making things worse. So do me a favor and take all this stuff to the Dumpster on your way to the rehearsal for whatever treacly ballad you're planning on using to ruin my sister's funeral.
Kurt Hummel: Why did you agree to this, then? If you hate us so much, then why are you letting the Glee Club plan the service?
Sue Sylvester: I was afraid no one would come. Jean didn't know a lot of people. I figured, with the Glee Club there, at least she'd have a full house.



Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. You look nice.
Sue Sylvester: Thank you for coming. Jean always stood up for you when I told her stories about how evil your hair was. Did anyone come?
Will Schuester: It's a full house, actually. Workers from the home, other residents, their families. Your sister touched a lot of people.
Sue Sylvester: Thank you.
Finn Hudson: What do you think, Coach Sylvester?
Kurt Hummel: You told us that Willy Wonka was Jean's favorite movie.
Finn Hudson: The way you described Jean made her sound so special, so we wanted her funeral to be special, also.
Kurt Hummel: Something to capture and express the Joy of her life, rather than the sadness of her death.
Sue Sylvester: It's lovely.
Will Schuester: Let's sit.
Reverend: Welcome to the most unusual funeral that I have ever attended. Which makes sense, because Jean was the most unusual person that I ever had the pleasure to spend every Sunday for the last 30 years with. I think that Jean's sister Sue would like to say a few words.
Sue Sylvester: I miss my sister. Every night, at 10:00 or so, she used to call me on the phone, and when I asked her why... She'd tell me that her body told her... She wanted to hear my voice.
Will Schuester: Hey... I'll read it. "I miss my sister. The smell of her shampoo. The way she could always convince me to read her another book. When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them. And now, every time I reach for that tether, I know there's no one on the other end, and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness. Then I remember Jean. I remember a life led with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets... and I'm inspired... to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my sister so much. It feels like a piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time, I want to hold her. Ten more seconds... is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can't and I won't, and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So, for now, I'm just going to miss her. I love you, Jeanie. Rest in peace."
Finn Hudson: This was Jean's favorite song.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.
Kurt Hummel: # Come with me #
# And you'll be #
# In a world #
# Of pure imagination #
Finn Hudson: # Take a look #
# And you'll see #
# Into your imagination #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # We'll begin #
# With a spin #
# Traveling in the world of my creation #
Artie Abrams: # What we'll see #
# Will defy #
# Explanation #
New Directions: # If you want to view paradise #
# Simply look around and view it #
# Anything you want to, do it #
# Want to change the world #
Kurt Hummel: # There's nothing to it #
Tina Cohen-Chang: # There is no #
# Life I know #
# To compare with pure imagination #
Kurt Hummel: # Living there, you'll be free #
# If you truly... #
New Directions: # Wish to be. #
Sue Sylvester: Thank you.



Quinn Fabray: Sorry. Long line in the restroom. Everyone was fixing their mascara.
Finn Hudson: Mm.
Quinn Fabray: You did such a great job with the funeral. I'm so proud of you. Why are you crying?
Finn Hudson: Because I'm breaking up with you.
Quinn Fabray: Because of Rachel? 'Cause you still love her?
Finn Hudson: I shouldn't have done this with you. I thought that I could fix everything from last year, but I... I can't. I just can't, and that feeling that Sue was talking about in there of being tethered to someone... I... I just... I don't feel that way about you.
Quinn Fabray: But you do with her? No. We're not breaking up. I can handle your confusion with Rachel until you get over it. We're gonna stay together, and next year, we'll be prom king and queen...
Finn Hudson: Just stop it. Okay? I don't want that life. Don't you feel anything anymore? This is real. This is happening.
Quinn Fabray: Are you happy now? Is this me feeling enough for you?
Finn Hudson: Quinn, I'm sorry. I still love you.
Quinn Fabray: Just don't touch me!



Brittany S. Pierce: Action.
Jesse St. James: Well, it was a tough competition, but here's the dope. Santana... too mean. Kurt... too controversial. Mercedes... I said it twice, and I'll say it again. Lazy B-O-N-E-S. Rachel is the clear winner.
Will Schuester: I'm really not comfortable having this conversation taped.
Jesse St. James: Well, I can't practice reality show judging without a camera. It's like practicing skiing without skis.
Brittany S. Pierce: I've totally done that.
Will Schuester: Okay, Brittany, can you just turn that thing off? Just the off switch... right... right over there. Just...
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I know how to turn it off. Thanks. Okay. It's cool. Jessie, maybe you can come on. Fondue for Two and judge my Cat.
Jesse St. James: Rock and roll.
Will Schuester: I have to be honest, Jessie. The more we talk about this, the more uncomfortable I feel about all of it. It just feels like I'm telling one of my children that they're my favorite.
Jesse St. James: Well, that's what my parents told me in front of my siblings. Sure, some might say that it led to my brother's whippet addiction and my sister's bulimia, but my parents owed them the truth.
Will Schuester: You really think picking Rachel means we beat Vocal Adrenaline?
Jesse St. James: It's in the bag.



Becky Jackson: Coach, can I come in?
Sue Sylvester: Hello, Becky.
Becky Jackson: I'm turning in my pom-poms and the megaphone that you got me. I'll miss our time together...
Sue Sylvester: I'm gonna stop you right there, Becky. Have you ever heard of menopause? Well, I fired you in a hormonal fury I like to call womb rage, and I apologize. Now I'd like you to pick up those pom-poms and that megaphone. You know why? Next year, you're Captain of the Cheerios.
Becky Jackson: Oh, my gosh, thanks, Coach! Got to call my mom!
Sue Sylvester: Uh, hold it right there. I'm not finished. I want you to give me a hug. Come here.



Sue Sylvester: That seat taken?
Will Schuester: No.
Sue Sylvester: William, I have to say something. In the history of our relationship, I've said many things to you, but there's one thing I've never said. Good luck. You know, I spent all this time hating you, and hating that Glee Club. I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most. Right now, it's the dancing Asian. But after what you did for my sister, I just can't do it anymore. You have something Jean had that I do not have. A pure heart. You're a very good friend, William, and I have not been that to you.
Will Schuester: Yeah, you really haven't.
Sue Sylvester: So, it's time for a change. Starting today, I will no longer be going after the Glee Club. Frankly, I have bigger fish to fry. I'm running for the United States House of Representatives.
Will Schuester: I'm... I'm sorry. What-What did you say?
Sue Sylvester: In the last year of her life, Jean faced ballooning health care costs and cuts to her disability payments. Well, the Sue Sylvester American Liberty Party thinks that's a load of phooey. There is one slight problem. In a fit of pique, I rerouted the Glee Club's plane to Libya.
Will Schuester: Wait... what?!
Sue Sylvester: It took some effort. It was a long fit of pique. I had some help... Panda Express really came through for me.
Will Schuester: So we're not going to New York?
Terri Del Monico: I can explain that.
Sue Sylvester: Will, I'm gonna leave you two alone, as this just became super awkward.



Will Schuester: These are first-class tickets on American Airlines. How did you afford them?
Terri Del Monico: Well, do you know that if you complain to the airline about contracting monkey pox in the bathroom on the plane, you can get the president of the airline on the phone within an hour?
Will Schuester: But you didn't?
Terri Del Monico: No, of course not. Have you been on their planes? They're immaculate. No, it turns out that one of the vice presidents of American Airlines is a big supporter of the arts or something, so when I told him your Glee Club's sob story, he gladly came up with the tickets for you guys to make it happen.
Will Schuester: This is amazing, Terri. Wait. What's the catch?
Terri Del Monico: I'm moving to Miami. Sheets N' Things is opening a new branch down there, and they have asked me to manage it.
Will Schuester: Like, full on manager?
Terri Del Monico: The assistant title is officially dropped. Look, Will, I know that I made your life... challenging sometimes, but... it was only because I loved you so much.
Will Schuester: I loved you, too. We just weren't right. No regrets, though.
Terri Del Monico: No. Not one.
Will Schuester: Just try to relax a little bit while you're down there, okay?
Terri Del Monico: Oh. Yeah.
Will Schuester: I mean, you deserve to enjoy yourself.
Terri Del Monico: Okay.
Will Schuester: Okay.
Terri Del Monico: I'll see you around, Will.
Will Schuester: Hey.
Emma Pillsbury: Hey. Is everything okay with Terri?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Finally. It is. Is... Are you wearing one of my old vests?
Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I didn't have the heart to throw it away.
Will Schuester: Emma, this isn't forever.
Emma Pillsbury: I hope it is. Really, Will, you deserve this. You've given so much for so long, and now it's your turn. But, um, don't be a stranger, okay?
Will Schuester: Thank you.



Rachel Berry: Jessie?
Jesse St. James: That's sweet. You remember the masculine click of my designer boots.
Rachel Berry: Okay, why did you ask me to meet you here right before the list goes up? Is this good news, or is it bad news?
Jesse St. James: Rachel, I did wrong by you last year, and I came back to make that wrong right. And I came here to tell you that you're going to be the featured soloist at Nationals in New York.
Rachel Berry: Wait, wait. How do you know? Did Mr. Schuester tell you?
Jesse St. James: Let it suffice to say that I was very involved in the decision.
Rachel Berry: Oh. No. I-I... I feel bad. Everyone else worked so hard. Now they're just going to hate me.
Jesse St. James: They sort of already do, and you know as well as I that sometimes that's the price of fame. I used to think that fame was the only thing that mattered. And now I realize that there's something that matters to me more.
Rachel Berry: What?
Jesse St. James: You. Come on. I think the list is posted.



Santana Lopez: This doesn't make any sense.
Jesse St. James: Guys, it was a tough decision, but it's for the good of the club.
Rachel Berry: Although this is deeply personal, try not to take it personally.
Kurt Hummel: Um, you guys might want to read what the list says.
Rachel Berry: What? Why?



Santana Lopez: Oh, Mr. Shue, thank God you're here to put these trolls out of their misery. Can you just announce my win so that I can get on with teasing the losers?
Kurt Hummel: I heard your performance, Santana. This is mine, and you know it.
Will Schuester: See, Jessie? This is the kind of infighting and "me first" attitudes that I wanted to avoid.
Jesse St. James: What you call infighting, I call motivation. And this is just the beginning. Once we get to Nationals, I'll have them willing to kill each other for that solo.
Will Schuester: No. I've changed my mind. We're going back to what got us here... Original songs sung by the entire club. We're a team, and we're best when we work as one.
Jesse St. James: You're going to lose.
Will Schuester: Whatever we do, we're going to do it together.
Kurt Hummel: Actually, Santana, you sounded pretty good.
Santana Lopez: Thanks. You guys were all pretty dope, too. Even Rachel.
Rachel Berry: I wish I could sound like you do, Santana. I mean, how do you get that raspiness?
Santana Lopez: So nice. I smoke cigars.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, time to get to work. Now, I want two hit songs by the time the wheels touch down at JFK. Come on.
Finn Hudson: Hey. Thanks.
Quinn Fabray: For what?
Finn Hudson: I know you're hurting right now, but it's really cool you didn't quit Glee Club.
Quinn Fabray: If I quit Glee Club, my big plans for New York would have been ruined.
Finn Hudson: What plans?
Quinn Fabray: You'll see.
外部リンク
 AfterEllen.com
 AfterEllen.com
 Glee Wiki
 IMDb
 Wikipedia

222. New York

放送日:2011年5月24日


Rachel Berry: I made it!



Kurt Hummel: A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of six misfits, stumbling their way through a horrific rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat." Now here we are, at the top of the show choir heap: Nationals!
Tina Cohen-Chang: I want to hit up Central Park, get my frolic on.
Noah Puckerman: I want to throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.
Finn Hudson: You guys, hold on. I mean, we still have two songs to write.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, Mr. Bossy Pants. But I think we might have some time for a tune before we leave.
# Start spreading the news #
New Directions: # I'm leaving today #
# I want to be a part of it #
# New York, New York... #
Rachel Berry: Guys, I have news. To celebrate our impending win at Nationals, I got us all 13 tickets to Broadway's longest-running show ever, Cats!
Brittany S. Pierce: Whoo! Yeah, you did.
Quinn Fabray: You might want to check the dates on those tickets, Rachel, because Cats closed about 11 years ago.
Rachel Berry: He did seem crazy. Charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt-crack.



Clerk: Okay, welcome to Intercontinental New York Times Square. Your rooms are on the seventh floor.
Will Schuester: Great.
Clerk: You planning on fitting all those kids in two rooms?
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, it's all we can afford. I was just thinking about splitting them up, boys and girls.
Clerk: You guys in for the show choir competition?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Why?
Clerk: Most of the other teams split by sexual orientation.
Mercedes Jones: Oh. Did you know that New York City was built right on top of Old York City?
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, I'm just pretty.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Hi. I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.
Finn Hudson: I guess she just accepted the inevitable.
Rachel Berry: Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York. I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?
Finn Hudson: No. So, what's going on with you and Jessie?
Rachel Berry: I don't know. He keeps texting me. But I told him I don't want to talk till I get back. No boys, no distractions until we win that trophy.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, where the hell is Puckerman?
Finn Hudson: Um...
Noah Puckerman: I'll have a Manhattan.
Barmaid: Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.
Will Schuester: Guys, group meeting, in the room now.



Kurt Hummel: Do you know that I can get ahi tartare and a steak sandwich at 3:00 in the morning from their all-night dining menu? I feel like Eloise.
Brittany S. Pierce: I have pills for that.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, this is your time. Now, you are all on lockdown till you finish writing our songs for Nationals. I want at least two solid verses by the time I get back.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Aren't you going to help us?
Will Schuester: Uh, um... I will be back and read your amazing creations and give notes, but right now, I have to head to the theater to, uh, fill out some paperwork.



Will Schuester: Broadway.



Brittany S. Pierce: # In the middle of the night I'm in bed alone #
# Don't care if you're glass, paper or Styrofoam #
# When I need some water, baby #
Brittany & Artie: # Coffee or gin #
# You're the only thing #
# I want to put them in #
# My cup, my cup, sayin' what's up? #
# To my cup, my cup #
# More of a friend than a silly pup, my cup #
# You know what it is #
# Saying what's up? #
# To my cup #
# I'm saying what's up? To my cup #
# I'm saying what's up? #
# To my cup. #
Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hold on. Are you singing about a cup?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, totally.
Quinn Fabray: We got to get out of here.
Rachel Berry: Wait. No, no, no. Mr. Shue gave us explicit instructions...
Quinn Fabray: To write a song, and our problem is, is that our only inspiration are mattresses and bathroom cups.
Noah Puckerman: Quinn's right. We're in the artists capital of the world. Poets, musicians, actors, playwrights. Every dreamer that's ever lived has passed through this city. And if we want our dreams to come true, we need to be out there with them, not stuck in here.
Finn Hudson: Guys, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, we still got those songs to write. If we don't write them, we're going to lose.
Lauren Zizes: No. They're right. Can't you hear the city calling to you?
Quinn Fabray: We don't need to write songs for Nationals. New York's going to write them for us.



Finn Hudson: # I don't like cities, but I like New York #
Santana Lopez: # The famous places to visit are so many #
Finn Hudson: # Other places make me feel like a dork #
Santana Lopez: # I told my grandpa I wouldn't miss on any #
Artie Abrams: # Los Angeles is for people who sleep #
Mercedes Jones: # Got to see the whole town #
# Right from Yonkers on down to the Bay #
Artie Abrams: # Paris and London, oh, baby, you can keep #
Santana Lopez: # Baby, you can keep #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, you can keep #
New Directions: # Other cities always make me mad #
# Other places always make me sad #
# No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
# New York #
Finn Hudson: # If you don't like my attitude #
# Then you can get lost #
Santana Lopez: # Manhattan women are dressed in silk and satin #
Finn Hudson: # Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf? #
Santana Lopez: # There's just one thing that's important in Manhattan #
Artie Abrams: # New York is not for little wussies #
# Who scream #
Mercedes Jones: # Pick up a date, maybe 7:00 or 8:00 #
Artie Abrams: # Paris and London, oh, baby, you can keep #
New Directions: # Baby, you can keep #
# Baby, you can keep #
# Other cities always make me mad #
Mercedes Jones: # Make me mad #
New Directions: # Other places always make me sad #
Mercedes Jones: # Make me sad #
New Directions: # No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
# New York #
Brittany S. Pierce: # We sailed the seas and we've been the world over #
# Made the Mandalay #
# We've seen the sphinx and we've seen the Cliffs of Dover #
# And we can safely say #
Rachel Berry: # New York #
New Directions: # Other cities always make me mad #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh-oh, oh #
New Directions: # Other places always make me sad #
Mercedes Jones: # New York #
New Directions: # No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #
New Directions: # New York, New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #
New Directions: # I love New York #
# New York, New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #
New Directions: # New York, New York. #



Finn Hudson: Hey, can I try something out on you guys? I think that one of our songs should be a duet with me and Rachel.
Mike Chang: I just want to win. We all know that you two doing a duet is our best shot at that.
Finn Hudson: Awesome.
Noah Puckerman: Okay, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out, dude.
Finn Hudson: Who? Rachel? But she's totally into Jessie right now.
Noah Puckerman: You're in New York, the city of love.
Sam Evans: I thought that was Paris.
Noah Puckerman: Anything's possible here. You need to ask her out tonight. Take her on one of those big, awful dates you see in those unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.
Sam Evans: This is your shot, dude. If I was in love with a girl, and I wasn't homeless, I'd totally go for it.



Will Schuester: # If you're not home, I'll sit here on your doorstep #
# Button up my coat and wait #
# We'll go upstairs #
# Close the curtains and we're all set #
# To pick up where we left again #
# There's question marks hanging over us #
# But we won't give the time of day, oh-oh-oh #
# 'Cause all we got is these few stolen seconds #
# And we can't let them go to waste #
# The stars collide #
# We come back to life, we come back to life #
# The sparks, they fly #
# One look in your eyes #
# My heart's open wide #
# I know time's running out now #
# But we'll hold back the sun somehow #
# See the sky #
# We've still got tonight #
# We've still got tonight. #
April?
Director: She's still at dinner with the rest of the crew.
Will Schuester: Oh. Sorry I was just trying out a new idea for the show.
Director: I've been working here 25 years. Seen a lot of talent come and go. And let me tell you something, kid. You got it.



Rachel Berry: Hi.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: What's so important?
Finn Hudson: Uh, these are for you. I thought since, uh, we're both captains and all, we should write a duet for Nationals.
Rachel Berry: The tie and...flowers, Central Park?
Finn Hudson: Oh, it's a... a work date. Uh, totally professional.



Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, I can't believe we're at Sardi's. Sardi's! The birthplace of the Tony Award.
Finn Hudson: What's a salad "nicose"?
Rachel Berry: One day they're gonna put a cartoon likeness of me on these walls.
Finn Hudson: I like the way you dream so big. I don't know how to do that. You look so pretty tonight. Rachel, I... I have something to say to you.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God! That's Patti LuPone! Oh, no, oh, my God, I can't do this. No. No, I have to... I mean, if not for me, then for Kurt. I mean, he'd kill me if I didn't. Okay. Excuse me, uh, Miss LuPone? I have to say that you're my idol.
Patti LuPone: Well, thank you. That's very sweet of you. Are you an actress?
Rachel Berry: Yes. I'm-I'm in high school.
Finn Hudson: We're in town for the National Show Choir Championship.
Patti LuPone: I was in choir in high school. It was my favorite class. What's your name?
Rachel Berry: Rachel Berry.
Patti LuPone: Well, Rachel Berry, promise me one thing... You'll never give up.
Rachel Berry: Yes, Ms. LuPone, I promise.
Patti LuPone: Good luck. Good luck.
Finn Hudson: Thank you.
Patti LuPone: He's cute.



Rachel Berry: Being in New York is like... Falling in love over and over again every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights you see in all those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is just a group of street singers to serenade us, and it would be perfect.
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, this is the night #
# It's a beautiful night #
# And we call it #
# Bella notte #
Artie Abrams: # Look at the skies #
# They have stars in their eyes #
Finn Hudson: Wait.
Artie Abrams: # On this lovely #
Finn Hudson: This is the moment.
Artie Abrams: # Bella notte... #
Finn Hudson: ... in those romantic comedies where... I kiss you.
Rachel Berry: I thought this was just a work date.
Finn Hudson: Really?
Artie Abrams: # You'll find enchantment here #
Rachel Berry: No.
Artie Abrams: # The night will weave its magic spell #
Sam Evans: # When the one you love is near #
Rachel Berry: I can't.
Sam Evans: # Oh... #
Artie & Noah: # This is the night #
# And the heavens #
Finn Hudson: Take a chance on me.
Artie & Noah: # Are right #
# On this lovely #
# Bella #
Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, Finn.
Artie & Noah: # Notte #
Rachel Berry: I can't.
Artie & Noah: # This is the night #
# And the heavens #
# Are right #
# On this lovely #
# Bella #
# Notte... #



Kurt Hummel: Rachel, wake up, wake up.
Rachel Berry: Why?
Kurt Hummel: We're going to breakfast at Tiffany's.



Rachel Berry: We're gonna get into so much trouble for this.
Kurt Hummel: How awesome are these bagels?!
Rachel Berry: It's the water.
Kurt Hummel: Mm.
Rachel Berry: Ah, you're the only one besides me who understands how amazing this place is. Which is why I have a secret to tell you. When we graduate I'm coming back here and I'm going to college here. This is where I belong.
Kurt Hummel: I am so coming, too.
Rachel Berry: Really?
Kurt Hummel: And I talked to Blaine; he's on board as well.
Rachel Berry: Good. What am I gonna do about Finn? I mean, I... I think he wants to get back together, and I... I really do, too, but I can't have anything keep me from my Manhattan destiny.
Kurt Hummel: Bring him along. He'll be great if we need to move anything heavy.
Rachel Berry: No. Finn won't come... he's too much of a country boy.
Kurt Hummel: Ah, the age-old dilemma: Love or career? You're gonna have to make a choice.
Rachel Berry: I don't... I don't know how.
Kurt Hummel: I do. Follow me.
Rachel Berry: W-W-Wait! Wait. I love this show, but it's not helping me make up my mind.
Kurt Hummel: We have to go in. Strike that. We have to break in.



Rachel Berry: No, we-we can't be in here. They say that if you get arrested in a theater, you're blackballed for life!
Kurt Hummel: It's 9:00 a. M....
Usher: Hey! You're not supposed to be in here.
Kurt Hummel: We're extras. Th-they told us to come early.
Rachel Berry: We're, um, being... being fitted for our munchkin costumes.
Usher: You're from Indiana, right?
Rachel Berry: Ohio, actually.
Usher: And you got some big Broadway dream about singing a song on a real Broadway stage.
Kurt Hummel: Look, we're-we're really sorry...
Usher: You got 15 minutes.
Kurt Hummel: If you have to maice, you have to visualize both of the options.
Rachel Berry: How?
Kurt Hummel: Sing. Picture yourself standing in front of a full audience, belting out the final song of one of the greatest musicals of all time.
Rachel Berry: There's no orchestra.
Kurt Hummel: Make one. In your mind.
Rachel Berry: # I'm limited #
# Just look at me #
# I'm limited #
# And just look at you #
# You can do all I couldn't do #
# Glinda #
# Now it's up #
# To you... #
Kurt Hummel: # I've heard it said #
# That people come into our lives #
# For a reason #
# Bringing something we must learn #
# Well, I don't #
# Know if I believe #
# That's true #
# But I know I'm who I am today #
# Because I knew you #
Rachel Berry: # Like a ship blown from its mooring #
# By a wind off the sea #
# Like a seed dropped by a skybird #
# In a distant wood #
# Who can say #
# If I've been changed #
# For the better? #
# But because I knew you #
Kurt Hummel: # Because I knew you #
Kurt & Rachel: # I have been changed #
# For good #
Rachel Berry: # And just to clear the air #
# I ask forgiveness #
# For the things I've done you blame me for #
Kurt Hummel: # But then I guess we know #
# There's blame to share #
Kurt & Rachel: # And none of it seems to matter #
# Anymore... #
Kurt Hummel: # Like a comet #
# Pulled from orbit #
Rachel Berry: # Like a ship blown #
Kurt Hummel: # As it passes the sun #
Rachel Berry: # From its moorings by a wind off the sea #
Kurt Hummel: # Like a stream that meets a boulder #
Rachel Berry: # Like a seed dropped #
Kurt Hummel: # Halfway through the wood #
Rachel Berry: # By a bird in the wood #
Kurt & Rachel: # Who can say... #
# If I've been changed #
# For the better #
# Because I knew you #
# I have been changed... #
# For good... #
Rachel Berry: Thank you, Kurt. I see it now. I don't have to choose between... my career and... love, because this... I mean... this stage, Broadway, New York... that's my true love.



Santana Lopez: Oh. Quinn! Quit hogging the bathroom. I needs to re-pencil my eyebrows on. Doesn't she get...
Quinn Fabray: It's all yours.
Santana Lopez: Everybody's already in the other room working.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, yeah? Is Mr. Shue in there? 'Cause I think I'm gonna tell him that Rachel and Kurt keep sneaking off.
Brittany S. Pierce: You can't do that... he'll have to suspend them.
Quinn Fabray: And then there goes our chances at Nationals. Darn!
Santana Lopez: You know what? We get it. You're pissed about Finn dumping your sweet ass. Get over it.
Quinn Fabray: I don't want to get over it! Okay?
Santana Lopez: The only person that you're sabotaging here is yourself.
Quinn Fabray: I don't care about some stupid show choir competition!
Santana Lopez: Well, you should! Because this is the one chance that we have to actually feel good about ourselves.
Quinn Fabray: Aren't we supposed to be the popular girls? So why can't we have our dreams come true? She has love, Tina has it, even Zizes hooks up. I just want somebody to love me.
Santana Lopez: I think I know how to make you feel better.
Quinn Fabray: I'm flattered, Santana, but I'm really not that into that.
Santana Lopez: No. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a haircut.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, totally.



Will Schuester: I'm sorry about the pillows. I mean, this really was a... a wake-up call for me as an educator and a chaperone, so...
Hotel Manager: Look, I get it. Kids are kids. Good luck at Nationals.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Dustin Goolsby: I'll second that.
Will Schuester: And why would you be wishing my Glee club luck at Nationals?
Dustin Goolsby: Oh, I wasn't talking about the Glee club. I was wishing you luck in your Broadway debut.



Will Schuester: How did you find out?
Dustin Goolsby: It's all over the Broadway blogoshere. And by Broadway blogosphere, I mean the one blog that actually cares about Broadway. Can I give you a piece of advice? Don't tell your kids. It'll just shake their confidence at Nationals and they won't perform as well. I hate my kids. I would literally whip them if I could. Every time I see them achieving... Just reminds me of everything I missed out on.
Will Schuester: I love my kids.
Dustin Goolsby: What? No, you don't. They're hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours look like they haven't been baked properly.
Will Schuester: I've watched them grow into mature young men and women. And that's been the joy of my life.
Dustin Goolsby: You're tearing up. People are starting to stare. I bet they think I just broke up with you. See you on the ice, Schuester.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, who's up for some real New York City... pizza?
Quinn Fabray: We heard.
Will Schuester: Heard what?
Mercedes Jones: About you leaving to be on Broadway.
Will Schuester: Look, I haven't made up my mind about anything.
Kurt Hummel: We get it. And we're happy for you.
Rachel Berry: You've inspired us in so many ways, so... This is just another.
Will Schuester: I don't understand. Who-who told you guys?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Goolsby.
Mike Chang: You okay, Mr. Shue?
Will Schuester: I'm not going. I'm staying with you guys. I had my moment on the stage and it was glorious. But you and I... have some unfinished business to take care of. Now get out your notebooks. Time to get to work. Come on, this is Nationals, people. Yes, Puck.
Sam Evans: I want in, I want in.
Will Schuester: Oh, gee!



Rachel Berry: We made it. We're one of the top 50 show choirs in the nation. Tomorrow only ten will move on to Showcase, where they'll vie for the National Championship.
Kurt Hummel: We have so got this.
Will Schuester: Okay, usually I'm pretty cautious about getting your hopes up, but honestly, guys? I think we got a really good shot at winning this thing. All right, everybody put your hand in the middle. One, two, three.
New Directions: New Directions!



Unknown Female Group: # Yeah #
# Peace up. A town down. Yeah. What?
# Okay #
# Okay #
# Let's go #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Yeah, yeah #
# I'm in the club with my homies #
# Trying to get a lil' V-I, keep it down on the low-key #
Mercedes Jones: They're really good.
Unknown Female Group: # 'Cause you know how it is #
# I saw shorty, she was checkin' up on me #
# From the game she was spittin' in my ear #
# You would think that she knew me #
# I decided to chill #
# Conversation got heavy #
# She had me feeling like she's ready to blow #
# Watch out down below #
# Watch out, oh #
# Down below, watch out #
# She was saying "Come get me" #
# So I got up and followed her to the floor #
# She said "Baby, let's go" #
# Baby, let's go #
# When I told her, I said... #



Will Schuester: Hey. I gotta talk to you.
Dustin Goolsby: Hold on a sec. I do this thing where I get my kids to sign a T-shirt to send to all the teams we beat at Nationals.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, don't bother getting us one. I have a sneaking suspicion that we're about to kick your ass.
Dustin Goolsby: You're about to go up against the top show choirs in the country and your team spent all week mooning about how fun and exciting New York is. You're a bag of meat.
Will Schuester: Take a large. You're about a large, right?
Dustin Goolsby: Extra large. What are you doing?
Will Schuester: Buying you a T-shirt, Goolsby. I'll send it to you... after we win Nationals.
Unknown Female Group: # Got the beat, got the beat, we got the beat. #



Rachel Berry: Santana? Oh, shoving your fingers down your throat like the rest of your brainwashed. Vocal Adrenaline brothers and sisters?
Sunshine Corazon: I'm not throwing up on purpose. I'm so nervous I can't keep any food down. I used to love singing. It was the only thing that relaxed me. Now I hate it.
Rachel Berry: Do you think I'm an idiot?
Sunshine Corazon: No. I think you're kind of mean, but I don't think you're stupid.
Rachel Berry: I know what you're trying to doing. You're trying to get me to feel bad for you so that I don't try as hard to crush you on the stage.
Sunshine Corazon: What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much? When I came to your school, I heard that the Glee Club was where kids went when no one else would take them. A safe place. For some reason, you made me the only one who wasn't safe there.
Rachel Berry: Where are you going?
Sunshine Corazon: To the Philippine embassy. I'm going to beg them to revoke my visa and deport me back home. That's the only way I'm going to be able to escape Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel Berry: Wait... wait. It's because you're good. That's why I hated you. That's why I sent you to that crack house. I'm sorry. But you have to go out there and sing. You have a gift. Something that Dustin Goolsby would kill for.
Sunshine Corazon: I can't. I'm going to barf all over the stage.
Rachel Berry: If you feel like you're going to throw up, just look at me, and I'll help you through it.
Sunshine Corazon: Why? Don't you want to win?
Rachel Berry: Guys like us have to stick together. I'm going to hug you now.



Announcer: And now, our returning champions from Carmel High, Vocal Adrenaline.
Finn Hudson: What are you doing?
Rachel Berry: I'm making something right.
Sunshine Corazon: # Mmm... #
# Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm #
# Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm #
# All my life #
# I've waited for the right #
# Moment to let you know #
# I don't wanna let you go #
# But now I realize #
# There's just no perfect time #
# To confess how I feel #
# This much I know is real #
# So I refuse to #
# Waste one more second #
# Without you #
# Knowing #
# My... #
# Heart... #
# I don't need anything else #
# But your love #
# Nothing but you means #
# A thing to me #
# I'm incomplete #
# When you're not there #
# Holding me, touching me #
# I swear #
# All of the rest could just #
# Disappear #
# And I wouldn't even care #
# As long as you're there... #
# As long as you're there... #



Rachel Berry: You wrote an amazing song, Finn. I didn't know you had it in you.
Finn Hudson: Who cares about the song? What I don't understand is, all you've ever wanted is for us to be together, and I'm basically standing here begging for you, and suddenly you're not interested.
Rachel Berry: I-I am interested. More than interested. This is my dream. Being here in New York. I'm not gonna let anyone or anything keep me from it. I'm sorry, Finn. I love you. But... there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna change my mind about it.
Announcer: And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!
Finn & Rachel: # Face to face #
# And heart to heart #
# We're so close #
# Yet so far apart #
# I close my eyes #
# I look away #
# That's just because #
# I'm not okay #
Rachel Berry: # But I hold on #
Finn & Rachel: # I stay strong #
# Wondering if #
# We still belong... #
# Will we ever #
# Say the words #
# We're feeling #
# Reach down underneath and... #
Jesse St. James: I couldn't stay away.
Finn & Rachel: # Will we ever #
Will Schuester: From the show... or her?
Finn & Rachel: # Have a happy ending #
# Or will we forever #
# Only be pretending? #
# Keeping secrets safe #
# Every move we make #
# Seems like no one's #
# Letting go #
# And it's #
# Such a shame 'cause if you #
# Feel the same #
# How am I #
# Supposed #
# To know... #
Finn Hudson: # Will we ever #
# Say the words we're feeling #
# Reach down underneath and #
Finn & Rachel: # Tear down all the walls? #
# Will we ever #
# Have a happy ending #
# Or will we forever #
# Only be pretending? #
# Oh, oh, oh... #
# Pretending #
# Pretending... #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh... #
# Pretending... #
Jesse St. James: Was that scripted?
Will Schuester: No.
Santana Lopez: # Hey, hey, hey #
# You and me keep on dancing #
# In the dark #
# It's been tearing me apart #
# Never knowing what we are #
# Hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me keep on trying to play it cool #
# Now it's time to make a move #
# And that's what I'm gonna do #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Got something to say #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Throw your doubt away #
Artie Abrams: # Do or die now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Step onto the plate #
Artie Abrams: # Blow the door wide open #
Brittany & Artie: # Like up, up and away #
New Directions: # Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark #
# And bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight #
Finn Hudson: # Hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me, turn it up ten thousand watts #
# Tell me why we've got to stop #
# I just want to let it rock, hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me keep on staring at the road #
Tina & Artie: # We don't know where to go, step back, let me take control #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Got something to say #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Throw your doubt away #
Artie Abrams: # Do or die now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Step onto the plate #
Artie Abrams: # Blow the door wide open like #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Up, up and away #
New Directions: # Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark and bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight #
# Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark and bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight. #



Brittany S. Pierce: Don't you think this is gonna look so hot on Lord Tubbington? I'm gonna go find it in an extra large.
Rachel Berry: I think we were good.
Finn Hudson: Good? We were amazing.
Rachel Berry: The kiss was... interesting.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm-I'm calling it The Kiss of the Century.
Jesse St. James: You're wrong, Finn. That kiss was unprofessional. It was too personal and intense. The judges won't like it. They'll consider it common and vulgar, and it cost you Nationals. Hi, Rachel. You look amazing, and you sounded great. Just shouldn't have kissed him.
Rachel Berry: Why are you here, Jessie?
Jesse St. James: For you.
Finn Hudson: Dude, back off. You're just jealous. Jealous of what we have, and what we shared with the entire audience, because it was shared between two people who love each other. It was the Superman of kisses. It-It came with its own cape, right, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: What's-What's happening?
Kurt Hummel: They just posted the top ten for showcase. Everybody, gather around! It's a moment two years in the making.
Rachel Berry: Okay, what should we do?
Will Schuester: Let's go look at it... together. Come on, come on.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I'm too nervous to look.
Will Schuester: I'll go.
Finn Hudson: What did we place? Well, Mr. Shue? Say it. What did we rank?
Will Schuester: We didn't. I'm so sorry, you guys. We aren't in the top ten.



Kurt Hummel: Oh My God! You should have seen it. We all looked at the top ten list for Showcase, and we all just went numb. And then Jessie kept going on and on about how Rachel and Finn's kiss is what cost us Nationals.
Blaine Anderson: While I understand passion, I do think that was unprofessional, but sorry. Keep going.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, then we get back to the hotel, and Santana loses it.



Santana Lopez: Escucha, soy de Lima Heights Adjacent y yo tengo orgullo. ¿Sabes lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacent? ¡Cosas malas!



Kurt Hummel: I mean, and the plane ride was completely silent. Like, no one said a word. We all just sat there with our faces buried in our complimentary copies of SkyMall.
Blaine Anderson: Wait, I don't get it. You don't seem that sad at all.
Kurt Hummel: Well, it was still amazing. I mean, I flew on a plane for the first time in my life, I had breakfast at Tiffany's, I sang on a Broadway stage.
Blaine Anderson: I love you.
Kurt Hummel: I love you, too. You know, when you stop and think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year. Oh, look who's here.
Blaine Anderson: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Sam Evans: Uh, nothing. Just, uh, getting a coffee.
Mercedes Jones: We ran into each other in the parking lot.
Blaine Anderson: We're on our way to get some sheet music. Tomorrow's my audition for the summer show at Six Flags.
Kurt Hummel: Whereas I'm spending my summer composing Pip, Pip, Hooray! The Broadway music about Pippa Middleton.
Sam Evans: I have no idea who that is, but it sounds totally awesome.
Mercedes Jones: We'll see you in class.
Blaine Anderson: Bye, guys. Okay, so here are the nominees for my songs tomorrow. I think I could probably...
Mercedes Jones: Do you think they know?
Sam Evans: I don't think anybody knows.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. You still pissed?
Santana Lopez: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Rachel Berry to actually work?
Brittany S. Pierce: Come on. We can't be mad at Rachel forever.
Santana Lopez: Uh, yes, we can. How could you possibly be so calm?
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. I hated losing just as much as everyone, but this year wasn't about winning for me.
Santana Lopez: Clearly, 'cause we got our asses kicked.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Sorry. What was it about?
Brittany S. Pierce: Acceptance. I know that all the kids in the Glee club... they fight, and they steal each other's boyfriends and girlfriends, and they threaten to quit, like, every other week, but weird stuff like that happens in families.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, this is a club. This is not a family.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, well, family is a place where everyone loves you no matter what, and they accept you for who you are. I know I'm going to be a bridesmaid at Mike and Tina's wedding, and I'm gonna be anxiously awaiting, just like everyone else, to see if their babies are Asian, too. When they find an operation to make Artie's legs work again, I'm going to be there for his first steps. I love them. I love everyone in Glee Club. And I get to spend another year with everyone I love, so, I'm good.
Santana Lopez: What about you and I?
Brittany S. Pierce: I love you, Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything's possible.
Santana Lopez: You're my best friend.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, me, too.
Santana Lopez: When did you get so smart?



Rachel Berry: Where have you been?
Finn Hudson: Hiding out. Everyone hates me.
Rachel Berry: No, they don't. It doesn't explain why you haven't said a word to me since we've been back.
Finn Hudson: 'Cause you should be more pissed at me than anyone else. I screwed up! I'm humiliated. We worked so hard for everything, and I was supposed to be this big shot leader, holding everyone together, and... I blew it. Cost us the championship.
Rachel Berry: Look, being an artist is about expressing your true feelings, in the moment, no matter what the consequences. What were you feeling in that moment?
Finn Hudson: That I loved you. And that I would have done or given anything to kiss you one more time.
Rachel Berry: So you did. You know, you gave it all up for one kiss.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Was it worth it?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. What about you? Was it worth it for you?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. 'Cause I know in my heart we'll have another shot at Nationals. You have to know that I... I'm leaving, Finn. I'm going to New York, and I'm never coming back.
Finn Hudson: Graduation's a year away. You got any plans till then?
Rachel Berry: Okay. Let's go.
Finn Hudson: Where are we going?
Rachel Berry: Final Glee Club meeting of the year.



Will Schuester: No other show choir who finished in 12th place has ever felt so honored.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Hi.
Quinn Fabray: Hiya. Come on.
Will Schuester: You guys want to see what 12th place looks like?


Rachel Berry: I made it!



Kurt Hummel: A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of six misfits, stumbling their way through a horrific rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat." Now here we are, at the top of the show choir heap: Nationals!
Tina Cohen-Chang: I want to hit up Central Park, get my frolic on.
Noah Puckerman: I want to throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.
Finn Hudson: You guys, hold on. I mean, we still have two songs to write.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, Mr. Bossy Pants. But I think we might have some time for a tune before we leave.
# Start spreading the news #
New Directions: # I'm leaving today #
# I want to be a part of it #
# New York, New York... #
Rachel Berry: Guys, I have news. To celebrate our impending win at Nationals, I got us all 13 tickets to Broadway's longest-running show ever, Cats!
Brittany S. Pierce: Whoo! Yeah, you did.
Quinn Fabray: You might want to check the dates on those tickets, Rachel, because Cats closed about 11 years ago.
Rachel Berry: He did seem crazy. Charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt-crack.



Clerk: Okay, welcome to Intercontinental New York Times Square. Your rooms are on the seventh floor.
Will Schuester: Great.
Clerk: You planning on fitting all those kids in two rooms?
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, it's all we can afford. I was just thinking about splitting them up, boys and girls.
Clerk: You guys in for the show choir competition?
Will Schuester: Yeah. Why?
Clerk: Most of the other teams split by sexual orientation.
Mercedes Jones: Oh. Did you know that New York City was built right on top of Old York City?
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Mercedes Jones: Oh, I'm just pretty.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Hi. I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.
Finn Hudson: I guess she just accepted the inevitable.
Rachel Berry: Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York. I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?
Finn Hudson: No. So, what's going on with you and Jessie?
Rachel Berry: I don't know. He keeps texting me. But I told him I don't want to talk till I get back. No boys, no distractions until we win that trophy.
Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, where the hell is Puckerman?
Finn Hudson: Um...
Noah Puckerman: I'll have a Manhattan.
Barmaid: Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?
Noah Puckerman: Yeah, me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.
Will Schuester: Guys, group meeting, in the room now.



Kurt Hummel: Do you know that I can get ahi tartare and a steak sandwich at 3:00 in the morning from their all-night dining menu? I feel like Eloise.
Brittany S. Pierce: I have pills for that.
Will Schuester: All right, guys, this is your time. Now, you are all on lockdown till you finish writing our songs for Nationals. I want at least two solid verses by the time I get back.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Aren't you going to help us?
Will Schuester: Uh, um... I will be back and read your amazing creations and give notes, but right now, I have to head to the theater to, uh, fill out some paperwork.



Will Schuester: Broadway.



Brittany S. Pierce: # In the middle of the night I'm in bed alone #
# Don't care if you're glass, paper or Styrofoam #
# When I need some water, baby #
Brittany & Artie: # Coffee or gin #
# You're the only thing #
# I want to put them in #
# My cup, my cup, sayin' what's up? #
# To my cup, my cup #
# More of a friend than a silly pup, my cup #
# You know what it is #
# Saying what's up? #
# To my cup #
# I'm saying what's up? To my cup #
# I'm saying what's up? #
# To my cup. #
Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Hold on. Are you singing about a cup?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, totally.
Quinn Fabray: We got to get out of here.
Rachel Berry: Wait. No, no, no. Mr. Shue gave us explicit instructions...
Quinn Fabray: To write a song, and our problem is, is that our only inspiration are mattresses and bathroom cups.
Noah Puckerman: Quinn's right. We're in the artists capital of the world. Poets, musicians, actors, playwrights. Every dreamer that's ever lived has passed through this city. And if we want our dreams to come true, we need to be out there with them, not stuck in here.
Finn Hudson: Guys, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, we still got those songs to write. If we don't write them, we're going to lose.
Lauren Zizes: No. They're right. Can't you hear the city calling to you?
Quinn Fabray: We don't need to write songs for Nationals. New York's going to write them for us.



Finn Hudson: # I don't like cities, but I like New York #
Santana Lopez: # The famous places to visit are so many #
Finn Hudson: # Other places make me feel like a dork #
Santana Lopez: # I told my grandpa I wouldn't miss on any #
Artie Abrams: # Los Angeles is for people who sleep #
Mercedes Jones: # Got to see the whole town #
# Right from Yonkers on down to the Bay #
Artie Abrams: # Paris and London, oh, baby, you can keep #
Santana Lopez: # Baby, you can keep #
Mercedes Jones: # Baby, you can keep #
New Directions: # Other cities always make me mad #
# Other places always make me sad #
# No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
# New York #
Finn Hudson: # If you don't like my attitude #
# Then you can get lost #
Santana Lopez: # Manhattan women are dressed in silk and satin #
Finn Hudson: # Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf? #
Santana Lopez: # There's just one thing that's important in Manhattan #
Artie Abrams: # New York is not for little wussies #
# Who scream #
Mercedes Jones: # Pick up a date, maybe 7:00 or 8:00 #
Artie Abrams: # Paris and London, oh, baby, you can keep #
New Directions: # Baby, you can keep #
# Baby, you can keep #
# Other cities always make me mad #
Mercedes Jones: # Make me mad #
New Directions: # Other places always make me sad #
Mercedes Jones: # Make me sad #
New Directions: # No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
# New York #
Brittany S. Pierce: # We sailed the seas and we've been the world over #
# Made the Mandalay #
# We've seen the sphinx and we've seen the Cliffs of Dover #
# And we can safely say #
Rachel Berry: # New York #
New Directions: # Other cities always make me mad #
Mercedes Jones: # Oh, oh-oh, oh #
New Directions: # Other places always make me sad #
Mercedes Jones: # New York #
New Directions: # No other city ever made me glad #
# Except New York, New York #
# It's a wonderful town #
# I love New York #
# I love New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #
New Directions: # New York, New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #
New Directions: # I love New York #
# New York, New York #
Mercedes Jones: # New York, yeah #
New Directions: # New York, New York. #



Finn Hudson: Hey, can I try something out on you guys? I think that one of our songs should be a duet with me and Rachel.
Mike Chang: I just want to win. We all know that you two doing a duet is our best shot at that.
Finn Hudson: Awesome.
Noah Puckerman: Okay, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out, dude.
Finn Hudson: Who? Rachel? But she's totally into Jessie right now.
Noah Puckerman: You're in New York, the city of love.
Sam Evans: I thought that was Paris.
Noah Puckerman: Anything's possible here. You need to ask her out tonight. Take her on one of those big, awful dates you see in those unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.
Sam Evans: This is your shot, dude. If I was in love with a girl, and I wasn't homeless, I'd totally go for it.



Will Schuester: # If you're not home, I'll sit here on your doorstep #
# Button up my coat and wait #
# We'll go upstairs #
# Close the curtains and we're all set #
# To pick up where we left again #
# There's question marks hanging over us #
# But we won't give the time of day, oh-oh-oh #
# 'Cause all we got is these few stolen seconds #
# And we can't let them go to waste #
# The stars collide #
# We come back to life, we come back to life #
# The sparks, they fly #
# One look in your eyes #
# My heart's open wide #
# I know time's running out now #
# But we'll hold back the sun somehow #
# See the sky #
# We've still got tonight #
# We've still got tonight. #
April?
Director: She's still at dinner with the rest of the crew.
Will Schuester: Oh. Sorry I was just trying out a new idea for the show.
Director: I've been working here 25 years. Seen a lot of talent come and go. And let me tell you something, kid. You got it.



Rachel Berry: Hi.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: What's so important?
Finn Hudson: Uh, these are for you. I thought since, uh, we're both captains and all, we should write a duet for Nationals.
Rachel Berry: The tie and...flowers, Central Park?
Finn Hudson: Oh, it's a... a work date. Uh, totally professional.



Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, I can't believe we're at Sardi's. Sardi's! The birthplace of the Tony Award.
Finn Hudson: What's a salad "nicose"?
Rachel Berry: One day they're gonna put a cartoon likeness of me on these walls.
Finn Hudson: I like the way you dream so big. I don't know how to do that. You look so pretty tonight. Rachel, I... I have something to say to you.
Rachel Berry: Oh, my God! That's Patti LuPone! Oh, no, oh, my God, I can't do this. No. No, I have to... I mean, if not for me, then for Kurt. I mean, he'd kill me if I didn't. Okay. Excuse me, uh, Miss LuPone? I have to say that you're my idol.
Patti LuPone: Well, thank you. That's very sweet of you. Are you an actress?
Rachel Berry: Yes. I'm-I'm in high school.
Finn Hudson: We're in town for the National Show Choir Championship.
Patti LuPone: I was in choir in high school. It was my favorite class. What's your name?
Rachel Berry: Rachel Berry.
Patti LuPone: Well, Rachel Berry, promise me one thing... You'll never give up.
Rachel Berry: Yes, Ms. LuPone, I promise.
Patti LuPone: Good luck. Good luck.
Finn Hudson: Thank you.
Patti LuPone: He's cute.



Rachel Berry: Being in New York is like... Falling in love over and over again every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights you see in all those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is just a group of street singers to serenade us, and it would be perfect.
Noah Puckerman: # Oh, this is the night #
# It's a beautiful night #
# And we call it #
# Bella notte #
Artie Abrams: # Look at the skies #
# They have stars in their eyes #
Finn Hudson: Wait.
Artie Abrams: # On this lovely #
Finn Hudson: This is the moment.
Artie Abrams: # Bella notte... #
Finn Hudson: ... in those romantic comedies where... I kiss you.
Rachel Berry: I thought this was just a work date.
Finn Hudson: Really?
Artie Abrams: # You'll find enchantment here #
Rachel Berry: No.
Artie Abrams: # The night will weave its magic spell #
Sam Evans: # When the one you love is near #
Rachel Berry: I can't.
Sam Evans: # Oh... #
Artie & Noah: # This is the night #
# And the heavens #
Finn Hudson: Take a chance on me.
Artie & Noah: # Are right #
# On this lovely #
# Bella #
Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, Finn.
Artie & Noah: # Notte #
Rachel Berry: I can't.
Artie & Noah: # This is the night #
# And the heavens #
# Are right #
# On this lovely #
# Bella #
# Notte... #



Kurt Hummel: Rachel, wake up, wake up.
Rachel Berry: Why?
Kurt Hummel: We're going to breakfast at Tiffany's.



Rachel Berry: We're gonna get into so much trouble for this.
Kurt Hummel: How awesome are these bagels?!
Rachel Berry: It's the water.
Kurt Hummel: Mm.
Rachel Berry: Ah, you're the only one besides me who understands how amazing this place is. Which is why I have a secret to tell you. When we graduate I'm coming back here and I'm going to college here. This is where I belong.
Kurt Hummel: I am so coming, too.
Rachel Berry: Really?
Kurt Hummel: And I talked to Blaine; he's on board as well.
Rachel Berry: Good. What am I gonna do about Finn? I mean, I... I think he wants to get back together, and I... I really do, too, but I can't have anything keep me from my Manhattan destiny.
Kurt Hummel: Bring him along. He'll be great if we need to move anything heavy.
Rachel Berry: No. Finn won't come... he's too much of a country boy.
Kurt Hummel: Ah, the age-old dilemma: Love or career? You're gonna have to make a choice.
Rachel Berry: I don't... I don't know how.
Kurt Hummel: I do. Follow me.
Rachel Berry: W-W-Wait! Wait. I love this show, but it's not helping me make up my mind.
Kurt Hummel: We have to go in. Strike that. We have to break in.



Rachel Berry: No, we-we can't be in here. They say that if you get arrested in a theater, you're blackballed for life!
Kurt Hummel: It's 9:00 a. M....
Usher: Hey! You're not supposed to be in here.
Kurt Hummel: We're extras. Th-they told us to come early.
Rachel Berry: We're, um, being... being fitted for our munchkin costumes.
Usher: You're from Indiana, right?
Rachel Berry: Ohio, actually.
Usher: And you got some big Broadway dream about singing a song on a real Broadway stage.
Kurt Hummel: Look, we're-we're really sorry...
Usher: You got 15 minutes.
Kurt Hummel: If you have to maice, you have to visualize both of the options.
Rachel Berry: How?
Kurt Hummel: Sing. Picture yourself standing in front of a full audience, belting out the final song of one of the greatest musicals of all time.
Rachel Berry: There's no orchestra.
Kurt Hummel: Make one. In your mind.
Rachel Berry: # I'm limited #
# Just look at me #
# I'm limited #
# And just look at you #
# You can do all I couldn't do #
# Glinda #
# Now it's up #
# To you... #
Kurt Hummel: # I've heard it said #
# That people come into our lives #
# For a reason #
# Bringing something we must learn #
# Well, I don't #
# Know if I believe #
# That's true #
# But I know I'm who I am today #
# Because I knew you #
Rachel Berry: # Like a ship blown from its mooring #
# By a wind off the sea #
# Like a seed dropped by a skybird #
# In a distant wood #
# Who can say #
# If I've been changed #
# For the better? #
# But because I knew you #
Kurt Hummel: # Because I knew you #
Kurt & Rachel: # I have been changed #
# For good #
Rachel Berry: # And just to clear the air #
# I ask forgiveness #
# For the things I've done you blame me for #
Kurt Hummel: # But then I guess we know #
# There's blame to share #
Kurt & Rachel: # And none of it seems to matter #
# Anymore... #
Kurt Hummel: # Like a comet #
# Pulled from orbit #
Rachel Berry: # Like a ship blown #
Kurt Hummel: # As it passes the sun #
Rachel Berry: # From its moorings by a wind off the sea #
Kurt Hummel: # Like a stream that meets a boulder #
Rachel Berry: # Like a seed dropped #
Kurt Hummel: # Halfway through the wood #
Rachel Berry: # By a bird in the wood #
Kurt & Rachel: # Who can say... #
# If I've been changed #
# For the better #
# Because I knew you #
# I have been changed... #
# For good... #
Rachel Berry: Thank you, Kurt. I see it now. I don't have to choose between... my career and... love, because this... I mean... this stage, Broadway, New York... that's my true love.



Santana Lopez: Oh. Quinn! Quit hogging the bathroom. I needs to re-pencil my eyebrows on. Doesn't she get...
Quinn Fabray: It's all yours.
Santana Lopez: Everybody's already in the other room working.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, yeah? Is Mr. Shue in there? 'Cause I think I'm gonna tell him that Rachel and Kurt keep sneaking off.
Brittany S. Pierce: You can't do that... he'll have to suspend them.
Quinn Fabray: And then there goes our chances at Nationals. Darn!
Santana Lopez: You know what? We get it. You're pissed about Finn dumping your sweet ass. Get over it.
Quinn Fabray: I don't want to get over it! Okay?
Santana Lopez: The only person that you're sabotaging here is yourself.
Quinn Fabray: I don't care about some stupid show choir competition!
Santana Lopez: Well, you should! Because this is the one chance that we have to actually feel good about ourselves.
Quinn Fabray: Aren't we supposed to be the popular girls? So why can't we have our dreams come true? She has love, Tina has it, even Zizes hooks up. I just want somebody to love me.
Santana Lopez: I think I know how to make you feel better.
Quinn Fabray: I'm flattered, Santana, but I'm really not that into that.
Santana Lopez: No. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a haircut.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, totally.



Will Schuester: I'm sorry about the pillows. I mean, this really was a... a wake-up call for me as an educator and a chaperone, so...
Hotel Manager: Look, I get it. Kids are kids. Good luck at Nationals.
Will Schuester: Thank you.
Dustin Goolsby: I'll second that.
Will Schuester: And why would you be wishing my Glee club luck at Nationals?
Dustin Goolsby: Oh, I wasn't talking about the Glee club. I was wishing you luck in your Broadway debut.



Will Schuester: How did you find out?
Dustin Goolsby: It's all over the Broadway blogoshere. And by Broadway blogosphere, I mean the one blog that actually cares about Broadway. Can I give you a piece of advice? Don't tell your kids. It'll just shake their confidence at Nationals and they won't perform as well. I hate my kids. I would literally whip them if I could. Every time I see them achieving... Just reminds me of everything I missed out on.
Will Schuester: I love my kids.
Dustin Goolsby: What? No, you don't. They're hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours look like they haven't been baked properly.
Will Schuester: I've watched them grow into mature young men and women. And that's been the joy of my life.
Dustin Goolsby: You're tearing up. People are starting to stare. I bet they think I just broke up with you. See you on the ice, Schuester.



Will Schuester: All right, guys, who's up for some real New York City... pizza?
Quinn Fabray: We heard.
Will Schuester: Heard what?
Mercedes Jones: About you leaving to be on Broadway.
Will Schuester: Look, I haven't made up my mind about anything.
Kurt Hummel: We get it. And we're happy for you.
Rachel Berry: You've inspired us in so many ways, so... This is just another.
Will Schuester: I don't understand. Who-who told you guys?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Goolsby.
Mike Chang: You okay, Mr. Shue?
Will Schuester: I'm not going. I'm staying with you guys. I had my moment on the stage and it was glorious. But you and I... have some unfinished business to take care of. Now get out your notebooks. Time to get to work. Come on, this is Nationals, people. Yes, Puck.
Sam Evans: I want in, I want in.
Will Schuester: Oh, gee!



Rachel Berry: We made it. We're one of the top 50 show choirs in the nation. Tomorrow only ten will move on to Showcase, where they'll vie for the National Championship.
Kurt Hummel: We have so got this.
Will Schuester: Okay, usually I'm pretty cautious about getting your hopes up, but honestly, guys? I think we got a really good shot at winning this thing. All right, everybody put your hand in the middle. One, two, three.
New Directions: New Directions!



Unknown Female Group: # Yeah #
# Peace up. A town down. Yeah. What?
# Okay #
# Okay #
# Let's go #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Yeah, yeah #
# I'm in the club with my homies #
# Trying to get a lil' V-I, keep it down on the low-key #
Mercedes Jones: They're really good.
Unknown Female Group: # 'Cause you know how it is #
# I saw shorty, she was checkin' up on me #
# From the game she was spittin' in my ear #
# You would think that she knew me #
# I decided to chill #
# Conversation got heavy #
# She had me feeling like she's ready to blow #
# Watch out down below #
# Watch out, oh #
# Down below, watch out #
# She was saying "Come get me" #
# So I got up and followed her to the floor #
# She said "Baby, let's go" #
# Baby, let's go #
# When I told her, I said... #



Will Schuester: Hey. I gotta talk to you.
Dustin Goolsby: Hold on a sec. I do this thing where I get my kids to sign a T-shirt to send to all the teams we beat at Nationals.
Will Schuester: Yeah, well, don't bother getting us one. I have a sneaking suspicion that we're about to kick your ass.
Dustin Goolsby: You're about to go up against the top show choirs in the country and your team spent all week mooning about how fun and exciting New York is. You're a bag of meat.
Will Schuester: Take a large. You're about a large, right?
Dustin Goolsby: Extra large. What are you doing?
Will Schuester: Buying you a T-shirt, Goolsby. I'll send it to you... after we win Nationals.
Unknown Female Group: # Got the beat, got the beat, we got the beat. #



Rachel Berry: Santana? Oh, shoving your fingers down your throat like the rest of your brainwashed. Vocal Adrenaline brothers and sisters?
Sunshine Corazon: I'm not throwing up on purpose. I'm so nervous I can't keep any food down. I used to love singing. It was the only thing that relaxed me. Now I hate it.
Rachel Berry: Do you think I'm an idiot?
Sunshine Corazon: No. I think you're kind of mean, but I don't think you're stupid.
Rachel Berry: I know what you're trying to doing. You're trying to get me to feel bad for you so that I don't try as hard to crush you on the stage.
Sunshine Corazon: What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much? When I came to your school, I heard that the Glee Club was where kids went when no one else would take them. A safe place. For some reason, you made me the only one who wasn't safe there.
Rachel Berry: Where are you going?
Sunshine Corazon: To the Philippine embassy. I'm going to beg them to revoke my visa and deport me back home. That's the only way I'm going to be able to escape Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel Berry: Wait... wait. It's because you're good. That's why I hated you. That's why I sent you to that crack house. I'm sorry. But you have to go out there and sing. You have a gift. Something that Dustin Goolsby would kill for.
Sunshine Corazon: I can't. I'm going to barf all over the stage.
Rachel Berry: If you feel like you're going to throw up, just look at me, and I'll help you through it.
Sunshine Corazon: Why? Don't you want to win?
Rachel Berry: Guys like us have to stick together. I'm going to hug you now.



Announcer: And now, our returning champions from Carmel High, Vocal Adrenaline.
Finn Hudson: What are you doing?
Rachel Berry: I'm making something right.
Sunshine Corazon: # Mmm... #
# Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm #
# Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm #
# All my life #
# I've waited for the right #
# Moment to let you know #
# I don't wanna let you go #
# But now I realize #
# There's just no perfect time #
# To confess how I feel #
# This much I know is real #
# So I refuse to #
# Waste one more second #
# Without you #
# Knowing #
# My... #
# Heart... #
# I don't need anything else #
# But your love #
# Nothing but you means #
# A thing to me #
# I'm incomplete #
# When you're not there #
# Holding me, touching me #
# I swear #
# All of the rest could just #
# Disappear #
# And I wouldn't even care #
# As long as you're there... #
# As long as you're there... #



Rachel Berry: You wrote an amazing song, Finn. I didn't know you had it in you.
Finn Hudson: Who cares about the song? What I don't understand is, all you've ever wanted is for us to be together, and I'm basically standing here begging for you, and suddenly you're not interested.
Rachel Berry: I-I am interested. More than interested. This is my dream. Being here in New York. I'm not gonna let anyone or anything keep me from it. I'm sorry, Finn. I love you. But... there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna change my mind about it.
Announcer: And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!
Finn & Rachel: # Face to face #
# And heart to heart #
# We're so close #
# Yet so far apart #
# I close my eyes #
# I look away #
# That's just because #
# I'm not okay #
Rachel Berry: # But I hold on #
Finn & Rachel: # I stay strong #
# Wondering if #
# We still belong... #
# Will we ever #
# Say the words #
# We're feeling #
# Reach down underneath and... #
Jesse St. James: I couldn't stay away.
Finn & Rachel: # Will we ever #
Will Schuester: From the show... or her?
Finn & Rachel: # Have a happy ending #
# Or will we forever #
# Only be pretending? #
# Keeping secrets safe #
# Every move we make #
# Seems like no one's #
# Letting go #
# And it's #
# Such a shame 'cause if you #
# Feel the same #
# How am I #
# Supposed #
# To know... #
Finn Hudson: # Will we ever #
# Say the words we're feeling #
# Reach down underneath and #
Finn & Rachel: # Tear down all the walls? #
# Will we ever #
# Have a happy ending #
# Or will we forever #
# Only be pretending? #
# Oh, oh, oh... #
# Pretending #
# Pretending... #
# Oh, oh, oh, oh... #
# Pretending... #
Jesse St. James: Was that scripted?
Will Schuester: No.
Santana Lopez: # Hey, hey, hey #
# You and me keep on dancing #
# In the dark #
# It's been tearing me apart #
# Never knowing what we are #
# Hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me keep on trying to play it cool #
# Now it's time to make a move #
# And that's what I'm gonna do #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Got something to say #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Throw your doubt away #
Artie Abrams: # Do or die now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Step onto the plate #
Artie Abrams: # Blow the door wide open #
Brittany & Artie: # Like up, up and away #
New Directions: # Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark #
# And bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight #
Finn Hudson: # Hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me, turn it up ten thousand watts #
# Tell me why we've got to stop #
# I just want to let it rock, hey, hey, hey, you #
# And me keep on staring at the road #
Tina & Artie: # We don't know where to go, step back, let me take control #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Got something to say #
Artie Abrams: # Lay it all down #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Throw your doubt away #
Artie Abrams: # Do or die now #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Step onto the plate #
Artie Abrams: # Blow the door wide open like #
Brittany S. Pierce: # Up, up and away #
New Directions: # Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark and bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight #
# Let's light up the world toni-I-ight #
# You got to give up the bark and bi-I-ite #
# I know that we got the love all ri-I-ight #
# Come on and li-li-light it up #
# Light it up tonight. #



Brittany S. Pierce: Don't you think this is gonna look so hot on Lord Tubbington? I'm gonna go find it in an extra large.
Rachel Berry: I think we were good.
Finn Hudson: Good? We were amazing.
Rachel Berry: The kiss was... interesting.
Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm-I'm calling it The Kiss of the Century.
Jesse St. James: You're wrong, Finn. That kiss was unprofessional. It was too personal and intense. The judges won't like it. They'll consider it common and vulgar, and it cost you Nationals. Hi, Rachel. You look amazing, and you sounded great. Just shouldn't have kissed him.
Rachel Berry: Why are you here, Jessie?
Jesse St. James: For you.
Finn Hudson: Dude, back off. You're just jealous. Jealous of what we have, and what we shared with the entire audience, because it was shared between two people who love each other. It was the Superman of kisses. It-It came with its own cape, right, Rachel?
Rachel Berry: What's-What's happening?
Kurt Hummel: They just posted the top ten for showcase. Everybody, gather around! It's a moment two years in the making.
Rachel Berry: Okay, what should we do?
Will Schuester: Let's go look at it... together. Come on, come on.
Rachel Berry: Oh, I'm too nervous to look.
Will Schuester: I'll go.
Finn Hudson: What did we place? Well, Mr. Shue? Say it. What did we rank?
Will Schuester: We didn't. I'm so sorry, you guys. We aren't in the top ten.



Kurt Hummel: Oh My God! You should have seen it. We all looked at the top ten list for Showcase, and we all just went numb. And then Jessie kept going on and on about how Rachel and Finn's kiss is what cost us Nationals.
Blaine Anderson: While I understand passion, I do think that was unprofessional, but sorry. Keep going.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, then we get back to the hotel, and Santana loses it.



Santana Lopez: Escucha, soy de Lima Heights Adjacent y yo tengo orgullo. ¿Sabes lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacent? ¡Cosas malas!



Kurt Hummel: I mean, and the plane ride was completely silent. Like, no one said a word. We all just sat there with our faces buried in our complimentary copies of SkyMall.
Blaine Anderson: Wait, I don't get it. You don't seem that sad at all.
Kurt Hummel: Well, it was still amazing. I mean, I flew on a plane for the first time in my life, I had breakfast at Tiffany's, I sang on a Broadway stage.
Blaine Anderson: I love you.
Kurt Hummel: I love you, too. You know, when you stop and think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year. Oh, look who's here.
Blaine Anderson: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Sam Evans: Uh, nothing. Just, uh, getting a coffee.
Mercedes Jones: We ran into each other in the parking lot.
Blaine Anderson: We're on our way to get some sheet music. Tomorrow's my audition for the summer show at Six Flags.
Kurt Hummel: Whereas I'm spending my summer composing Pip, Pip, Hooray! The Broadway music about Pippa Middleton.
Sam Evans: I have no idea who that is, but it sounds totally awesome.
Mercedes Jones: We'll see you in class.
Blaine Anderson: Bye, guys. Okay, so here are the nominees for my songs tomorrow. I think I could probably...
Mercedes Jones: Do you think they know?
Sam Evans: I don't think anybody knows.



Brittany S. Pierce: Hey. You still pissed?
Santana Lopez: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Rachel Berry to actually work?
Brittany S. Pierce: Come on. We can't be mad at Rachel forever.
Santana Lopez: Uh, yes, we can. How could you possibly be so calm?
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know. I hated losing just as much as everyone, but this year wasn't about winning for me.
Santana Lopez: Clearly, 'cause we got our asses kicked.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah.
Santana Lopez: Sorry. What was it about?
Brittany S. Pierce: Acceptance. I know that all the kids in the Glee club... they fight, and they steal each other's boyfriends and girlfriends, and they threaten to quit, like, every other week, but weird stuff like that happens in families.
Santana Lopez: Yeah, well, this is a club. This is not a family.
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, well, family is a place where everyone loves you no matter what, and they accept you for who you are. I know I'm going to be a bridesmaid at Mike and Tina's wedding, and I'm gonna be anxiously awaiting, just like everyone else, to see if their babies are Asian, too. When they find an operation to make Artie's legs work again, I'm going to be there for his first steps. I love them. I love everyone in Glee Club. And I get to spend another year with everyone I love, so, I'm good.
Santana Lopez: What about you and I?
Brittany S. Pierce: I love you, Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything's possible.
Santana Lopez: You're my best friend.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, me, too.
Santana Lopez: When did you get so smart?



Rachel Berry: Where have you been?
Finn Hudson: Hiding out. Everyone hates me.
Rachel Berry: No, they don't. It doesn't explain why you haven't said a word to me since we've been back.
Finn Hudson: 'Cause you should be more pissed at me than anyone else. I screwed up! I'm humiliated. We worked so hard for everything, and I was supposed to be this big shot leader, holding everyone together, and... I blew it. Cost us the championship.
Rachel Berry: Look, being an artist is about expressing your true feelings, in the moment, no matter what the consequences. What were you feeling in that moment?
Finn Hudson: That I loved you. And that I would have done or given anything to kiss you one more time.
Rachel Berry: So you did. You know, you gave it all up for one kiss.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Rachel Berry: Was it worth it?
Finn Hudson: Yeah. What about you? Was it worth it for you?
Rachel Berry: Yeah. 'Cause I know in my heart we'll have another shot at Nationals. You have to know that I... I'm leaving, Finn. I'm going to New York, and I'm never coming back.
Finn Hudson: Graduation's a year away. You got any plans till then?
Rachel Berry: Okay. Let's go.
Finn Hudson: Where are we going?
Rachel Berry: Final Glee Club meeting of the year.



Will Schuester: No other show choir who finished in 12th place has ever felt so honored.
Finn Hudson: Hi.
Rachel Berry: Hi.
Quinn Fabray: Hiya. Come on.
Will Schuester: You guys want to see what 12th place looks like?
外部リンク
 AfterEllen.com
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 Glee Wiki
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記載日

 2012年1月15日