Glee

Ice Cube / The Supremes: # I was falling in love #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Set me free why don't you, babe #
# You just keep me hangin'on #
# Oh, oh, yeah #
# It's about that time #
# Yeah #
# Back-Back-Back-Back-Back-Back Back, come on #
# Hey, girl #
# You can do it #
# Just kick your back into it #
# Just kick your #
# Go, go, go #
# Go, go, go, go, go, go, go #

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded. That's hard.

Noah Puckerman: Guys.

Will Schuester: Making some new friends, Kurt?

Noah Puckerman: He sure is, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: Hey, Finn. You still owe me that report on "Qué yo hice el verano pasado."

Finn Hudson: What?

Will Schuester: What you did last summer.

Finn Hudson: Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue.

Noah Puckerman: It's "Hammer time."

Kurt Hummel: Please. This is from Marc Jacobs's new collection.

Finn Hudson: Wait. Okay.

Earth Wind & Fire: # You're a shining star #
# No matter who you are #
# Shining bright to see #
# What you can truly be #
# What you can truly be #
# Shining star come into view #

Will Schuester: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.

Students: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.

Will Schuester: Que lastima, hojala que se sienta mejor. Rapido.

Students: Que lastima...

Will Schuester: Bueno. Bueno.

Earth Wind & Fire: # Shining star for you to see #
# What your life can truly be #

Hank Saunders: # Where is love #

Sandy Ryerson: # Is love #

Hank Saunders: # Does it fall from skies above? #

Sandy Ryerson: # Ooh #

Hank & Sandy: # Is it underneath the willow trees that I've been dreaming of? #

Will Schuester: Where's the coffeepot?

Ken Tanaka: Figgins got rid of it. Budget cuts. You know, I know for a fact that they are still getting hot java at Carver. We should strike.

Sue Sylvester: Hello, boys. Who needs a pick-me-up?

Ken Tanaka: Wow. Lattes.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah. I'm a bit of a coffee snob. Now, the key to a perfect latte... is in the temperature of the steamed milk. I like mine scalding.

Will Schuester: Wow.

Ken Tanaka: Hi, Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey, Ken. Will, hi.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: What's with all the lattes?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, Emma, I just felt so awful... that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the "Cheerios."

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. I heard you guys went, like, $600 over budget on that.

Sue Sylvester: My performers didn't get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at Bacon Junction.

Emma Pillsbury: Since when are cheerleaders performers?

Sue Sylvester: Your resentment is delicious. Well, I have a "phoner" in a couple minutes- That's an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone. Enjoy.

Will Schuester: Thanks a lot, Sue.

Ken Tanaka: I missed you at the, uh... singles mixer last weekend, Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I know. A big pipe exploded in my building. It was wild. I hate those mixer things though. Don't you? I mean, it's like a big meat market. It's just- Ew. I did give my number to a fireman though. But he hasn't called.

Will Schuester: You know what, there's someone out there for everyone. I wouldn't even sweat it.

Emma Pillsbury: Mmm. Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?

Will Schuester: Really?

Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.

Will Schuester: Who's gonna take over Glee Club?

Emma Pillsbury: I don't know.

Will Schuester: I'd like to take over Glee Club.

Principal Figgins: You want to captain the Titanic too?

Will Schuester: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a MySpace page.

Principal Figgins: Sixty bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up.

Will Schuester: A-A-And you-you expect me to pay it?

Principal Figgins: Well, I'm certainly not going to pay for it. We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again... you can have all the money you want. Until then, 60 bucks a month... and you've got to use the costumes and props we already have. But we need the stools for wood shop.

Will Schuester: Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was gonna be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I gonna get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure- we needed a new name. New Directions!

Mercedes Jones: My name is Mercedes Jones, and I'm singing—
# R-E-S-P-E-C-T #
# Find out what it means to me #
# R-E-S-P-E-C-T #
# Take care of T.C.B. #
# Ahhhhhh! Hey, baby, yeah! #

Kurt Hummel: Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing "Mr. Cellophane."
# Cellophane #
# Mr. Cellophane #
# Should've been my name #
# Mr. Cellophane #
# 'Cause you can look right through me #
# Walk right by me #
# And never know I'm there #
# Never even know I'm there! #

Tina Cohen-Chang: Tina C. "I Kissed a Girl."
# It's not what I'm used to #
# Just wanna try you on #
# I'm curious for you #
# Caught my attention #
# I kissed a girl and liked it #

Rachel Berry: Hi. My name is Rachel Berry... and I'll be singing "On My Own" from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis.

Will Schuester: Fantastic. Let's hear it.

Rachel Berry: # On my own #
# Pretending he's beside me #

Rachel Berry: You might laugh because every time I sign my name... I put a gold star after it. But it's a metaphor. And metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star. And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor... that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in... because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved. That's cockapoopie.

Rachel Berry: He was touching Hank, caressing him. It was so wrong!

Rachel Berry: I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and I.Q. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don't know which one is my real dad... which I think is pretty amazing. My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons- anything to give me a competitive edge.

Rachel Berry: You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this... but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date. I try to post a MySpace video every day just to keep my talent alive and growing.
# Without him #

Rachel Berry: Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one's just gonna hand it to you.
# I love him #
# But every day I'm learning #
# All my life #

Sky Splits: If I were your parents, I would sell you back.

Hi Ho Cheerio!: I'm going to scratch out my eyes.

The Cheerios: Please get sterilized.

Rachel Berry: # I've only been pretending #
# Without me his world will go on turning #
# A world that's full of happiness that I have never known #
# I love him #
# I love him #
# I love him #
# But only on my own #

Will Schuester: Very nice, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: When do we start rehearsals?

Artie Abrams: # And I said to myself sit down #

New Directions: # Said to myself, sit down #

Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #

Will Schuester: Bigger hands. Big hands.

Artie Abrams: # Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# And the devil will drag you under #
# By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #

New Directions: # Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #
# Sit down, you're rockin' #
# Sit down, sit down, sit down #
# You're rockin' the boat #
# Sit down, you're rockin' the boat #

Rachel Berry: We suck.

Will Schuester: Uh- It- It'll get there. We-We just need to keep rehearsing.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give... the lead solo in " Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?

Artie Abrams: I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance.

Rachel Berry: There's nothing ironic about show choir!

Will Schuester: Rachel. Rachel!

Sue Sylvester: That's sloppy! You're sloppy, babies! It's just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes! Uh-uh, Lance. Don't you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How does it feel to be the weak link, huh? That can't feel very good.

Will Schuester: You changed out of your costume.

Rachel Berry: I'm tired of being laughed at.

Will Schuester: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price.

Rachel Berry: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore. But I can feel the clock ticking away...and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.

Will Schuester: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.

Rachel Berry: Everybody hates me.

Will Schuester: You think Glee Club is gonna change that?

Rachel Berry: Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally.

Will Schuester: Maybe I can coach Artie a little. L-

Rachel Berry: Look, Mr. Schue... I appreciate what you're trying to do. But if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make a fool out of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much.

Ken Tanaka: Schuester! Figgins wants ya!

Will Schuester: But we just started rehearsals.

Principal Figgins: My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town. They're paying me 10 bucks a head.

Will Schuester: If we show at Regionals, Glee stays. If not, the bar is open in the auditorium.

Principal Figgins: What is it with you and this club? You've got only five kids. One of them's a cripple!

Will Schuester: Then I guess you've got nothing to worry about.

Principal Figgins: Fine.

Will Schuester: Yes!

Principal Figgins: But you're running detention for free to make it up to me.

Will Schuester: Deal.

Terri Schuester: You put your hands in the corners like this. Okay?

Howard Bamboo: I can't do it. I'm dyslexic. Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths.

Terri Schuester: Howard, if you can't fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets 'N' Things.

Man: Associate return.

Terri Schuester: Go. Make sure they have a receipt.

Will Schuester: Someone looks beautiful today.

Terri Schuester: Hi.

Will Schuester: Hi.

Terri Schuester: You look very handsome.

Will Schuester: Thank you. Roast beef on pumpernickel. Your favorite.

Terri Schuester: Ohh! Oh, does it have mayo?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Terri Schuester: Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can't get pregnant.

Will Schuester: I-

Terri Schuester: What is wrong with you?

Will Schuester: Well, I wanted to tell you... that I'm gonna have to start workin' late for the next couple months. I'm, uh, monitoring after-school detention.

Terri Schuester: What?

Will Schuester: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club.

Terri Schuester: But, Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here. Now I have to go home and I have to cook dinner for myself?

Howard Bamboo: This lady wants to return these sheets. But something tells me we've got another bed wetter.

Terri Schuester: Do you see what I have to deal with here, hmm? God, hasn't she ever heard of a diaper?

Sandy Ryerson: Of course towels have a thread count, Mr... Sheets 'N' Things! What do you do? I read catalogs! I know these things. Anything under a 400-thread count and I could break out in impetigo! It's simple to understand! William?

Will Schuester: Sandy? Hey!

Sandy Ryerson: Well, hello. How are things? I hear you have taken over Glee Club.

Will Schuester: Yeah. I hope you're not too upset.

Sandy Ryerson: Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair— best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy at first. Being dismissed. And for what I was accused of? My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me. Oh, God. Don't you love a good monkey? It took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown.

Will Schuester: Did they put you on medication?

Sandy Ryerson: Better. Medical marijuana. It's genius! I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I'm having trouble sleeping... and he gives me all of it I want. I'm finding the whole system quite lucrative.

Will Schuester: You're a drug dealer?

Sandy Ryerson: Oh, yeah. Make five times more than when I was a teacher. I keep some for myself and then I take money baths in the rest.

Will Schuester: Who-Who do you sell it to?

Sandy Ryerson: You want in?

Will Schuester: Uh, no. I tried it once in college. But Terri and I are trying to get pregnant.

Sandy Ryerson: I do my own packaging.

Will Schuester: Sandy, no-

Sandy Ryerson: And the first sample is free. Come on. You are the one coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You're gonna need it. What? This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. Call me. Come on. What's the matter with you?

Woman: Scary.

Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. C-Can I have a sec?

Sue Sylvester: Sure, buddy. Come on in.

Emma Pillsbury: Eew!

Will Schuester: Hey, Emma. You got a second? What is that? Gum?

Emma Pillsbury: Uh-huh.

Sue Sylvester: So you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?

Will Schuester: Well, I need more kids- Performers. And all the best ones are in the Cheerios. I figured some of them might want to double up.

Sue Sylvester: Okay. So what you're doing right now is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks, your popular kids, up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest... bottom floor.

Will Schuester: And... where do the Glee kids lie?

Sue Sylvester: Sub-basement.

Emma Pillsbury: Sue's not wrong. But I don't think anything's set in stone. I mean, kids are gonna do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are. You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes.

Will Schuester: Well, how do I do that?

Emma Pillsbury: They follow the leader. If you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up... the rest will fall right in line.

Will Schuester: I just want to talk to them.

Ken Tanaka: I don't know, dude. I can't see any of my guys wanting to join the Glee Club. Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows... just because he watched Grey's Anatomy.

Will Schuester: Look, all I'm looking for is an introduction.

Ken Tanaka: Fine. You gotta put a good word in for me with Emma.

Will Schuester: There you go, Cinderella.

Emma Pillsbury: Thank you. I have trouble with things like that. The, um-The messy things.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: It's really nice how much you care about Glee. About the kids.

Sue Sylvester: If you really care about these kids, you'll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand. So let your little Glee kids have their little club. But don't pretend that any of them are something they're not.

Ken Tanaka: Circle up! Now Mr. Schuester is gonna talk to you. You don't listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it? They're all yours, Will.

Will Schuester: Thanks, Ken. Hey, guys. How you doing? I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class. But, uh, I'm- I'm here today to talk to you about something different. Uh, music. Glee Club needs guys.

Noah Puckerman: I can sing.

Will Schuester: Really? That's fantastic.

Noah Puckerman: You wanna hear?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, yeah!

Ken Tanaka: Laps.

Will Schuester: I'm gonna put the sign-up sheet at the door. So if anyone wants to sign up, please- Thank you.

Ken Tanaka: Dismissed! Puck, in my office in five minutes.

Will Schuester: You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little bloodshot.

Ken Tanaka: I got allergies.

Will Schuester: Okay, buddy. Thanks again.

Will Schuester: I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief... fever dream that was New Directions.

Finn Hudson: # Even as I wander I'm keepin' you in sight #
# You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night #
# And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might #
# And I can't fight this feelin' anymore #

Will Schuester: I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place.

Finn Hudson: # I'd forgotten what I'd started fighting for #

Will Schuester: It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn't even know they had.

Finn Hudson: # And I can't fight this feelin' anymore #

Will Schuester: It was pure talent.

Finn Hudson: # If I have to crawl upon your floor #
# Come crashing through your door #
# Baby, I can't fight this feelin'anymore #

Will Schuester: What I did then was the blackest moment of my life.

Will Schuester: You want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?

Finn Hudson: I don't even know who the chronic lady is.

Will Schuester: Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have mandatory biweekly locker checks.

Finn Hudson: But I've never seen that before, Mr. Schue. I swear. It's not mine! I'll pee in a cup! I'll pee.

Will Schuester: Look, it wouldn't make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony. Yeah. Look, you'll get kicked out of school. You'll lose your football scholarship.

Finn Hudson: Wait, l- I had a football scholarship? To-To where?

Will Schuester: You could land in prison, son.

Finn Hudson: Oh, my God. Please, don't tell my mom.

Will Schuester: Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it's like to struggle to make good life choices. And I don't want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you, Finn.

Finn Hudson: That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that. Because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confident and everything. But I really struggle with the same thing other kids do. Peer pressure, backne. I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time.

Carole Hudson: Hold on, hold on. Finn! Finn! Finn! Please! I'm on the phone. I just want to trade next Saturday's shift for this Saturday... because Finn's got a parents' night for Cub Scouts.

Finn Hudson: My mom and me, we're real close. But being a single parent can be hard. The only good time for Mom was when we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams. Darren was good to her. And he was cool about letting me hang out.

Darren & Finn: # You make me weep #
# And wanna die #
# Just when- #

Finn Hudson: That was the first time I really "heard" music.

Darren & Finn: # You said we'd try #
# Lovin', touchin' #
# Squeezin' #

Finn Hudson: Man, it set my soul on fire.

Darren & Finn: # Each other #

Darren: You got a voice, buddy. Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together. Stick with it!

Finn Hudson: My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pic 'N' Save.

Darren: # With someone else #
# Lovin', touchin', squeezin'#
# Each other #
# Now it's your turn, girl, to cry #
# Na, na, na-na-na-na #

Finn Hudson: It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me... make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it.

Will Schuester: We have two options here. I'm running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school. But that's gonna remain on your permanent record.

Finn Hudson: What's the other option, Mr. Schue?

Finn Hudson: # I got chills, they're multiplyin' #
# And I'm losin'control #
# 'Cause the power you're supplyin' #
# It's electrifyin' #

Rachel Berry: # You better shape up #

New Directions: # Doo, doo, doo #

Rachel Berry: # 'Cause I need a man #

New Directions: # Doo, doo, doo #

Rachel Berry: # But my heart is set on you #

New Directions: # And my heart is set on you #

Rachel Berry: # You better shape up
# You better understand #
# To my heart I must be true #

Finn Hudson: # Nothin' left #

Finn & Rachel: # Nothin' left for me to do #
# You're the one that I want #

New Directions: # You are the one I want #
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey #

Finn & Rachel: # The one that I want #

Mercedes Jones: Oh, hell to the no! Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense! I'm Beyoncé. I ain't no Kelly Rowland.

Will Schuester: Okay, look, Mercedes. It's just one song.

Kurt Hummel: And it's the first time we've been kind of good.

Mercedes Jones: Okay. You're good, white boy. I'll give you that. But you better bring it. Let's run it again.

Will Schuester: All right. Let's do it. From the top.

Will Schuester: You usually don't let me in your craft room.

Terri Schuester: Isn't this fun? And challenging? Every Wednesday we're gonna have puzzle night... because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet.

Will Schuester: You know, the kids have been working so hard. I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday. Carmel High's performing a showcase down in Akron. Carmel's gonna be the team to beat at Regionals... and I was wondering if you might want to come chaperone with me.

Terri Schuester: On Saturday? Oh, I can't.

Will Schuester: Oh.

Terri Schuester: I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will. We're living paycheck to paycheck.

Will Schuester: How much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?

Terri Schuester: I don't know what you're talking about. Don't go in the Christmas closet!

Will Schuester: I was looking for my jacket the other day. Come on! We cannot afford this stuff, Terri!

Terri Schuester: But we could, Will! Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets 'N' Things! I reek of management potential! And they're hiring at H.W. Menken!

Will Schuester: My passion is teaching, Terri! For the last time, I don't want to be an accountant!

Terri Schuester: Dr. Phil said people could change. It's not a bad thing to want a real life, Will. And to have a glue gun that works! You know, it's really hard for me not having the things that I need.

Will Schuester: Oh! And you need three mahogany toilet brush holders?

Terri Schuester: They're Balinese! It is not a bad thing to want things, Will. You know I understand your interest in these kids, Will. I really do. Yeah. It's your way of recapturing your glory days. But I'm not the high school cheerleader anymore... and you are not the golden boy. High school's over for both of us. It's time that you move on.

Ken Tanaka: You're the quarterback!

Finn Hudson: Coach, it's temporary-

Ken Tanaka: No! I don't want to hear it! You make a decision. Either you're a football player or you're a singer!

Noah Puckerman: Hey, what's going on?

Finn Hudson: Oh, it's- I just- I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It's, uh, my mom. I gotta help her cook and, uh, do things.

Noah Puckerman: Why?

Finn Hudson: She just had, uh, surgery.

Noah Puckerman: What kind of surgery?

Finn Hudson: Uh, well, she, uh, had to have her prostate out.

Noah Puckerman: Man, that's a tough break.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. It's, uh, engorged.

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? I'm living with hepatitis. That's hard!

Ken Tanaka: You stole my quarterback.

Will Schuester: Okay, look, Finn's got a great voice. He just wants to express himself.

Ken Tanaka: You're screwing up my life.

Will Schuester: Okay, Ken? You hate football. What's this really about?

Ken Tanaka: Hey, M&M. So, I got tickets to monster trucks this weekend. Loge tickets.

Emma Pillsbury: No, thanks. Not my thing.

Ken Tanaka: Truckzilla vs. Truckosaurus. And get this- the trucks breathe fire.

Emma Pillsbury: Ken, look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you I'm on my period?

Ken Tanaka: Which doesn't bother me.

Emma Pillsbury: Or I tell you I'm suffering from cluster headaches. Or I'm allergic to nighttime. Those things? Not really true. I'm just not interested in dating you-

Ken Tanaka: Shh. How do I get you... into my hatchback?

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, Ken, fine. Make me say it. I like somebody else. Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but-

Ken Tanaka: You're right. I'm overreacting. The herd will take care of it.

Will Schuester: The herd?

Ken Tanaka: The student body. The second someone tries to rise above, be different, herd pulls 'em back in. So- Oh, and by the way... thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh? Adios, amigo.

Rachel Berry: You're very talented.

Finn Hudson: Really?

Rachel Berry: Yeah. I would know. I'm very talented too. I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead... and me, the stunning young ingenue everyone roots for.

Finn Hudson: Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend.

Rachel Berry: Really? Who?

Finn Hudson: Quinn Fabray.

Rachel Berry: Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the celibacy club?

Quinn Fabray: Wait. Let's pray.

Finn Hudson: For almost four months now. She's cool. I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids.

Will Schuester: Those kielbasas look like they've been there a while.

Emma Pillsbury: Do you want to go halfsies on a P.B. And J?

Will Schuester: That sounds perfect.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Let's go. Sorry. Excuse me. I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in... a really long time.

Emma Pillsbury: Really?

Will Schuester: Yeah. My wife's allergic to nuts.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh. Oh. Well, that's really sweet though. Not eating something because she can't.

Will Schuester: Oh. Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: It's very nice. Oh, that's really noisy. But they're clean.

Will Schuester: Oh, my gosh.

Emma Pillsbury: There you go. How, um-

Will Schuester: Mmm.

Emma Pillsbury: How long have you two been married?

Will Schuester: Mmm, five years last March.

Emma Pillsbury: Really? Mmm.

Will Schuester: Yeah. But we've been together since high school. She was my first girlfriend, actually.

Emma Pillsbury: Was it love at first sight?

Will Schuester: For me it was. I don't know. She used to be filled with so much joy.

Emma Pillsbury: And now?

Will Schuester: Ah, showtime. You don't want to hear about my marital problems.

Emma Pillsbury: No, I do. I do- I'd love to hear-You- I'm not happy that you have marital problems. People talk to me a lot because I'm a guidance counselor.

Will Schuester: Okay, here's the thing. Terri rides me hard, and I've always appreciated it.

Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.

Will Schuester: I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what? Making money? Being upwardly mobile? Thank you. I don't know. I love her. Don't get me wrong. But we just gotta get back on the same page.

Emma Pillsbury: Did you like the sandwich?

Will Schuester: Oh, my God. It's, like, the best I've ever had.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. So this is supposed to be our "competition." But I honestly don't think that they've got the talent that we've got. But let's be a good audience. Give them some of that old McKinley High respect.

Announcer: Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome... to last year's regional champion, Vocal Adrenaline!

Vocal Adrenaline: # Ohio, Ohio, Ohio #
# They tried to make me go to rehab but I said "no, no, no" #
# Yes, I've been black, but when I come back you'll know, know, know #
# I ain't got the time, and if my daddy thinks I'm fine #
# He'll try to make me go to rehab, but I won't go, go, go #
# I'd rather be at home with Ray #
# With Ray #
# I ain't got 70 days #
# 'Cause there's nothin' #
# Nothin' #
# Nothin' you can teach me #
# Ah-ah-ahhh #
# That I can't learn #
# I can't learn #
# From Mr. Hathaway #
# Yeah, yeah-eah #
# I didn't get a lot in class #
# But I know it don't come #
# Don't come #
# In a shot glass #
# They tried to make me go to rehab but I said "no, no, no" #
# Yes, I've been black, but when I come back you'll know, know, know #
# I ain't got the time #
# No time #
# And if my daddy thinks I'm fine #
# He'll try to make me go to rehab, but I won't go, go, go #

Tina Cohen-Chang: We're d-d-doomed.

Noah Puckerman: Chicks don't have prostates. I looked it up. You broke the rules. For that, you must be punished.

Finn Hudson: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, y-you've got the power here. Y-You don't have to do this!

Terri Schuester: There's my baby.

Will Schuester: Wow, honey. This is amazing. What- What's the congratulations for? The kids haven't won anything yet.

Terri Schuester: I'm pregnant.

Will Schuester: Really?

Terri Schuester: Yeah!

Will Schuester: Terri, don't mess with me. Oh, my God. This is amazing! We're gonna be a family. Oh, my God! Oh, I can't believe it.

Artie Abrams: You're leaving us? When?

Will Schuester: I've given my two-weeks notice. But I promise I'm gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go.

Mercedes Jones: Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good? Because we can work harder.

Rachel Berry: This isn't fair, Mr. Schuester. We can't do this without you.

Finn Hudson: So does that mean that I don't have to be in the club anymore, or-

Will Schuester: Look, this isn't about you guys. Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It's not like high school. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love. One day you guys are gonna grow up and understand that. I have... loved being your teacher.

Will Schuester: # All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go #
# I'm standing here outside your door #
# I hate to wake you up to say good-bye #
# But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn #
# A taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn #
# Already I'm so lonesome I could die #
# So kiss me and smile for me #
# Tell me that you'll wait for me #
# Hold me like you'll never let me go #
# 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane #
# Don't know when I'll be back again #
# Oh, babe, I hate to go #
# But I'm leaving on a jet plane #
# Don't know when I'll be back again #
# Oh, babe, I hate to go #

Woman: I heard he's having a baby. That's why he gave Figgins his notice.

Woman: Really?

Emma Pillsbury: Need help grading those papers?

Will Schuester: It's actually an application for H.W. Menken. They're hiring. Come on. Accounting is sexy. I'll miss you.

Emma Pillsbury: Before you leave, can you do me a favor?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: I made an appointment for you tomorrow... in the career center. You need some guidance.

Will Schuester: I'm having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits.

Emma Pillsbury: Just come, Will, for me.

Rachel Berry: Didn't see you at Glee Club today.

Finn Hudson: Is that still happening?

Rachel Berry: I've taken over.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Rachel Berry: I'm interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent.

Quinn Fabray: Hi, Finn. RuPaul.

Finn Hudson: Hey.

Quinn Fabray: What are you doing talking to her?

Finn Hudson: Oh-

Rachel Berry: Science project. We're partners.

Quinn Fabray: Christ Crusaders tonight at 5:00, my house.

Finn Hudson: Sounds great. Look, I should go. I can't do Glee anymore. It conflicts with-

Rachel Berry: Your reputation? You've really got something, Finn, and you're throwing it away.

Finn Hudson: L-I'm gonna be late.

Rachel Berry: You can't keep worrying about what people think. You're better than all of them.

Noah Puckerman: What do you want me to do, apologize? That's not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me. I just don't understand why you did it.

Finn Hudson: Schuester told me he'd give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club. I didn't have a choice. If I failed another class, I'd be off the team. Look, it's over. Okay? I quit. Anything else?

Noah Puckerman: No, that's it. And as a welcome back to the world of the normal, I got you a present.

Finn Hudson: What's that noise?

Artie Abrams: Oh, God! Help! Help! Help!

Finn Hudson: Is someone in there?

Noah Puckerman: We got that wheelchair kid inside. We're gonna flip it.

Finn Hudson: Isn't that kind of dangerous?

Noah Puckerman: He's already in a wheelchair. Come on, dude. We saved you the first roll.

Finn Hudson: Oh!

Artie Abrams: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, my God. The smell.

Noah Puckerman: What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser.

Finn Hudson: Don't you get it, man? We're all losers. Everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college. And-And two will leave the state to do it. I'm not afraid of being called a loser, 'cause I can accept that that's what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something... that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life.

Noah Puckerman: So, what? Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?

Finn Hudson: No. I'm doing both. 'Cause you can't win without me, and neither can they.

Man: Go, go!

Man: Track, track, track, Ronnie.

Journey: # Shadows searching in the nights #
# Streetlights people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere #
# In the night #

Rachel Berry: Look, you guys. These steps are not hard. I've been doing them since preschool.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. Did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you.

Rachel Berry: I know what I'm talking about. I won my first dance competition when I was three months old!

Kurt Hummel: This is a closed rehearsal.

Finn Hudson: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should've quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people.

Rachel Berry: That was you?

Kurt Hummel: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.

Finn Hudson: I know.

Kurt Hummel: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.

Finn Hudson: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry. Look, that isn't who I am, and I'm tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was, like, the lamest thing on earth... and maybe it is. But we're all here for the same reason- 'cause we want to be good at something. Artie, you play guitar, right? Think you could recruit the jazz band?

Artie Abrams: I do have pull there.

Finn Hudson: All right. Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have got to be cool. Can you do that?

Mercedes Jones: Damn! Don't you see what I've got on?

Finn Hudson: Rachel, you can do choreography. Tina, what are you good at?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Uh- Uh-

Finn Hudson: We'll figure something out for you.

Mercedes Jones: And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?

Finn Hudson: I've got the music.

Emma Pillsbury: I want to show you something. I did a little research. And this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at Nationals.

Tape: # Let's dance! #
# Ah, that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh #

Emma Pillsbury: Do you know who that is?

Tape: # I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh #
# That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh #

Emma Pillsbury: That's you, Will.

Tape: # I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
# When you take me by the hand #

Emma Pillsbury: That's you happier than I've ever seen you.

Tape: # And tell me I'm your loving man #

Will Schuester: That was the greatest moment of my life.

Emma Pillsbury: Why?

Will Schuester: Because I loved what I was doing. Yeah, I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment... I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I felt- I felt that way since then... was when Terri told me I was gonna be a father. No. No. I need to provide for my family.

Emma Pillsbury: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living... is one that you're really passionate about, Will?

Finn Hudson: # Just a small town girl #
# Living in a lonely world #
# She took the midnight train going anywhere #

Rachel Berry: # Just a city boy #
# Born and raised in south Detroit #
# He took the midnight train going anywhere #

New Directions: # Da-da #

Finn Hudson: # A singer in a smoky room #

Rachel Berry: # A smell of wine and cheap perfume #

Finn & Rachel: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #
# Strangers waiting #

New Directions: # Da-da #

Finn & Rachel: # Up and down the boulevard #
# Their shadows searching in the night #

New Directions: # Da-da #

Finn & Rachel: # Streetlight people #
# Living just to find emotion #
# Hiding somewhere in the night #

Rachel Berry: # Working hard to get my fill #

New Directions: # Da-da-da #

Rachel Berry: # Everybody wants a thrill #

Finn & Rachel: # Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time #
# Some will win #

Finn & Rachel: # Some will lose #
# Some will only sing the blues #
# And now the movie never ends #
# It goes on and on and on and on #

New Directions: # Don't stop believing #
# Hold on to that feeling #
# Street lights people #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# Oh-oh #
# Don't stop believing #
# Hold on to that feeling #
# Street lights people #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# Oh, oh #
# Don't stop #

Will Schuester: Good, guys. It's a nine. We need a 10. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high "B."

Finn Hudson: So does this mean you're staying?

Will Schuester: It would kill me to see you win Nationals without me. From the top.

Rachel Berry: Mr Schuester!

Will Schuester: Yea!

Rachel Berry: I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.

Will Schuester: Thanks, Rachel. But I already got one picked out.

Finn Hudson: Let me help you with that.

Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn. You're so chivalrous!

Finn Hudson: Thanks! That's a good thing, right?

Will Schuester: Morning, guys.

Mercedes Jones: Hey, Mr. Shue. We're just learning some runs.

Will Schuester: Oh! Yeah.

Mercedes Jones: So it goes, Ah!

Tina & Artie: Ah!

Will Schuester: With the finger, huh?

Mercedes Jones: Pretty fly for a white guy.

Will Schuester: Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon.

Mercedes Jones: Okay!

Will Schuester: All right. Morning, Kurt.

Noah Puckerman: Buenos nachos, Mr. Shue.

Will Schuester: Hey! Let's go, Titans!

Noah Puckerman: Yeah. Come on.

Kurt Hummel: Wait! One day you will all work for me.

Will Schuester: It was very, very nice. Diana! All right?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, Will, oh. Oh!

Will Schuester: Oh!

Emma Pillsbury: Gosh. Hi.

Will Schuester: Hey, Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Will Schuester: Hey. Uh, I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club... it's where I belong.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, well, it's no problem. I mean, it's what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I'm a guidance counselor.

Will Schuester: Yeah, you are.

Emma Pillsbury: So.... oh, look, we match, periwinkle.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Santana Lopez: Get a room.

Quinn Fabray: Mrs. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Will Schuester: You got it

Will Schuester: Hey, Sue, you want to see me?

Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy. Come on in. I just blasted my hammies.

Will Schuester: Oh!

Sue Sylvester: Iron tablet?

Will Schuester: Uh...

Sue Sylvester: Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.

Will Schuester: I don't menstruate.

Sue Sylvester: Yeah? Neither do I. So I had a little chat with Principal Figgins, and he said that if you're group doesn't place at Regionals, he's cutting the program. Ouch.

Will Schuester: You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're going to be fine.

Sue Sylvester: Really? Cause I was at the local library, where I read Cheerleading Today aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner. Show Choir Rule Book... And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for Regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five-and-a-half. Here. Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you.... maybe you could find some recruits.... because I'm not sure there's anybody else who's going to want to swim over to your Island of Misfit Toys.

Will Schuester: Are you threatening me, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha. Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it, you want to be me. So, here's the deal: you do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother: euthanize it. It's time. Now I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates; it'll be very rewarding work for you.

Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here...

Sue Sylvester: Offensive.

Will Schuester: ...but it looks like your Cheerios are going to have some competition. We're going to show at Regionals. You have my word on that. Have a good day.

Quinn Fabray: We are in line to be the most popular kids in this school over the next couple of years.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I know.

Quinn Fabray: Prom king and queen, homecoming court royalty, I'm not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can "express yourself."

Finn Hudson: Look, you're making too big a deal out of this.

Quinn Fabray: Okay, let's compromise. If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast.

Finn Hudson: Under the shirt?

Quinn Fabray: Over the bra

Finn Hudson: No, no. I can't.

Quinn Fabray: Oh!

Finn Hudson: I want to do Glee. I.. I'm really happy when I'm performing.

Quinn Fabray: People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.

Finn Hudson: Look, I.. I...I got to go to class, okay? Just relax. Everything's going to work out.

Quinn Fabray: Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him, you can sing with him, but you will never have him.

Rachel Berry: I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection, but I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up and yours is going down... deal with it.

Noah Puckerman: Holla.

New Directions: # Ah, freak out #
# Le freak, c'est chic #

Will Schuester: Energy, guys.

New Directions: # Freak out #

Will Schuester: It's disco.

New Directions: # Le freak, c'est chic #
# Ah, freak out #

Will Schuester: Good with the hands... John Travolta hands. All right.

New Directions: # Le freak, c'est chic #

Will Schuester: Freak it out. Let's go.

New Directions: # Freak out #
# Le freak, c'est chic #

Will Schuester: And up and out and down and... good.

New Directions: # Have you heard about the new dance craze? #

Will Schuester: Good, good, guys.

New Directions: # Listen to us #
# I'm sure you'll be amazed #
# Big fun... #

Mercedes Jones: Whoa! Whoa! Stop! Hell to the nah. First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible.

Will Schuester: Okay, no, no, it's not the song. You guys just need to get into it.

Kurt Hummel: No, it's the song. It's really gay.

Artie Abrams: We need modern music, Mr. Shue.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, guys. We don't have time to discuss this. We're doing the song this Friday at the pep assembly.

Tina Cohen-Chang: In f...front of the whole school?

Will Schuester: Exactly!

Kurt Hummel: They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I just had a facial.

Rachel Berry: I'll press charges if that happens.

Will Schuester: Guys, I can't express to you how important this assembly is. We need recruits. There're six of you. We need 12 to qualify for Regionals. We have no choice or... the club is over. I know you guys don't like this song, but we took Nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out." It's a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.

Finn Hudson: I'm dead.

Will Schuester: My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that, since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.

Peggy: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.

Terri Schuester: I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well... I... obviously, we're expecting a family, and I have a real sense that it might be a girl....

Will Schuester: Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this. It all happened so fast...

Triplets: Aaaahhh!

Will Schuester: It all started when Terri's sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.

Kendra Giardi: Well, I just don't understand where you're planning on putting the nursery.

Terri Schuester: I know.

Will Schuester: We have a second bedroom.

Kendra Giardi: You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that's going to keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. Postpartum runs in our family. Where are you going?

Phil Giardi: Bathroom. All that bran.

Kendra Giardi: No, you can't. Kyle needs his inhaler.

Will Schuester: Arrrg!

Kendra Giardi: Anyway, this conversation is over. They're starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.

Terri Schuester: Ah! You heard.

Kendra Giardi: You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly.

Phil Giardi: Can I eat this?

Peggy: This banister was made by Ecuadorian children.

Terri Schuester: Oh!

Will Schuester: It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price.

Terri Schuester: I am not raising our baby in a used house. They're not clean. Oh. Look at this sun nook. Isn't it beautiful?

Will Schuester: Is it extra?

Peggy: Hm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model... everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra $14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24. I'll let you two talk.

Terri Schuester: Thank you.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Terri Schuester: Oh!

Will Schuester: We can't afford this.

Terri Schuester: We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee's, and we won't run the AC for the first couple of summers.

Will Schuester: Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer, and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew we'll lose everything. You need to pick one.

Terri Schuester: Come with me. I'm going to show you something really special. This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini-pianos in here, and you two could put on shows for me.

Will Schuester: I love it, Terri. But we still can't afford everything.

Terri Schuester: Hem! It's my very own Sophie's Choice. Fine. I'm going to give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles. Think of our family, Will. This is our dream.

Will Schuester: I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money, to make that dream come true.

Will Schuester: Let's go sign those papers.

Terri Schuester: Yes!

Kurt Hummel: You need to call me before you dress yourself.

Mercedes Jones: Whatever, whatever.

Kurt Hummel: You look like a Technicolor zebra.

Mercedes Jones: You're a hater. And I look like I'm a partier. That's what you are a hater. You're trying to copy me. It looks like...

Kurt Hummel: I planned it. You know what?

Mercedes Jones: If you're hair was longer you'd have curls.

Will Schuester: All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh!

Artie Abrams: Yes.

Mercedes Jones: For the assembly?

Will Schuester: No. We won't be ready in time. We're still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire, and it'll be awesome at Regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're going to succeed we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.

Artie Abrams: Mr. Shue, we'd really like to not do disco at that assembly.

Will Schuester: Finn, you're going to take the solo.

Finn Hudson: What? No, I.. I can't do the solo, Mr. Shue. I'm still learning... learning how to walk and sing at the same time.

Will Schuester: No problem. I'll walk you through it.

New Directions: Ooh!

Mercedes Jones: Challenge.

Will Schuester: Mercedes, you know this?

Mercedes Jones: Oh, I got this.
# She take my money, when I'm in need #
# Yeah, she's a trifflin' friend, indeed #
# Oh, she's a gold digger way over town #
# That digs on me #

New Directions: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #

New Directions: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke #

New Directions: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #

New Directions: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke broke #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head #

Artie Abrams: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # Cutie da bomb #
# Met her at a beauty salon #

Artie Abrams: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # With a baby Louis Vuitton #
# Under her underarm, she said I can tell you rock #

Artie Abrams: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # I can tell by your charm #

Artie Abrams: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # Far as girls you got a flock #
# I can tell by your charm and your arm #

Artie Abrams: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # But I'm lookin' for the one #
# Have you seen her? #

Artie Abrams: # I gotta leave #

New Directions: # No, we ain't seen her! #
# She give my money #

Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #

New Directions: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' #
# With no broke, broke, uh #

New Directions: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger #

New Directions: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke, uh #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #
# Get down, oh, oh #

Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head, get down #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #
# Get down, girl #

Will Schuester: # Go 'head, get down #

New Directions: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # Get down, girl, go 'head #

Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # 18 years, 18 years #

Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # She got one of yo' kids #
# Got you for 18 years #

Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids #

Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # His baby mama car crib is bigger than his #
# You will see him on TV #
# Any given Sunday #

Mercedes Jones: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # Win the Super Bowl #
# And drive off in a Hyundai #
# She was supposed to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money #

Mercedes Jones: # I gotta leave #

Will Schuester: # She went to the doctor #
# Got lipo with ya money #

Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # She walkin' around lookin' like Michael with ya money #

Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # Shoulda' got that insured #
# Geico for ya money #

Mercedes Jones: # She give me money #

Will Schuester: # If you ain't no crook #

Mercedes Jones: # When I'm in need #

Will Schuester: # Holla' we want pre-nup #

New Directions: # We want pre-nup! Yeah! #

Will Schuester: Whou!

Tina Cohen-Chang: That was fun.

Will Schuester: All right, just like that. Ready?

Emma Pillsbury: Rachel, did you just throw up?

Rachel Berry: No.

Emma Pillsbury: You missed the toilet.

Rachel Berry: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.

Emma Pillsbury: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift. Let's have a little chat, okay?

Emma Pillsbury: Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease.

Rachel Berry: I don't have bulimia. I tried it and failed, and won't ever attempt it again.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Rachel Berry: It grossed me out.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, but I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.

Rachel Berry: I want to be thinner. And prettier like that Quinn girl.

Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm, and, um, why is that?

Rachel Berry: Have you ever liked somebody so much, you just want to lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?

Emma Pillsbury: No!

Emma Pillsbury: # All by my... #
By myself. I'm by myself.
# Don't want to be... #

Emma Pillsbury: Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the day. Like, a long time ago I knew about that. You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don't care who he is. If he doesn't like you for the way you are, or if he's... you know, he's married with a baby on the way, with a baby on the way, that's not worth the heartache. with a baby on the way, You don't want to compromise... yourself... for that. Um... Have you just tried telling him how you feel?

Rachel Berry: He doesn't even notice me.

Emma Pillsbury: I see. Um, okay, well, here's what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All right? So find out what he likes. Then he'll see you in a positive way, and maybe you'll end up doing something unexpected.

Sue Sylvester: Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?

Finn Hudson: It just sort of happened.

Rachel Berry: I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting.

Sue Sylvester: You watch your tone, young lady. Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this.

Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally-challenged friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, pretty much what she said.

Rachel Berry: You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake. He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.

Finn Hudson: Who is Justin Timberlake?

Rachel Berry: It was a two-fold plan. We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.

Sue Sylvester: That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it.

Will Schuester: Hold on a second, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students.

Sue Sylvester: It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.

Will Schuester: How many copies did you guys make?

Sue Sylvester: 17.

Will Schuester: Okay! And how much does a photocopy cost?

Principal Figgins: Four-and-a-half cents.

Will Schuester: How about they just pay for the copies?

Principal Figgins: I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you protein shake off the photocopy room floor.

Sue Sylvester: That's why we have janitors.

Principal Figgins: Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made. I've laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand.

Sue Sylvester: Lady Justice wept today.

Finn Hudson: I'm sorry about that, Mr. Shue.

Rachel Berry: I'd like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.

Will Schuester: You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it.

Rachel Berry: Doing that song is going to kill any chance the Glee Club has. It's a terrible idea.

Will Schuester: I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. We're doing the assembly, and you're not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!

Finn Hudson: It's official. I'm a dead man.

Rachel Berry: Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, really talented.

Finn Hudson: Stop it.

Rachel Berry: I mean, maybe it'll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?

Finn Hudson: I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.

Will Schuester: Baby, I have some bad news.

Terri Schuester: A wealthy relative died?

Will Schuester: I don't have any wealthy relatives.

Terri Schuester: Oh!

Will Schuester: I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I... I can't find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.

Terri Schuester: Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break?

Will Schuester: No, no. It's going to be okay, baby. I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy...

Terri Schuester: No. You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer, I want my dream house. I work hard, I sacrifice, I deserve it. You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N' Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids... that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?

Will Schuester: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.

Principal Figgins: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I've been here till 10:00 p.m. every night up to my elbows in Vamoose.

Will Schuester: Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots? I'll work at half salary.

Quinn Fabray: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week. Rachel Whatshername.

Rachel Berry: Where are all the boys?

Quinn Fabray: Down the hall. First half hour, we separate. Then we come together to share our faith.

Finn Hudson: I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.

Jacob Ben Israel: I think I'm going to kill myself. I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day. Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation, not be able to do anything about it?

Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.

Quinn Fabray: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.

Celibacy Club: It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing. Oh! Back it up like a dump truck, baby.

Amir: So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?

Finn Hudson: We grind, make out.

Jacob Ben Israel: But how do you keep from... arriving early? Whenever I grind, Cinco de Mayo.

Finn Hudson: It's not a problem for me, man. Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit.

Carole Hudson: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?

Finn Hudson: Driving's fun. Yeah.

Carole Hudson: Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?

Quinn Fabray: Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection. Now, remember, if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.

Jacob Ben Israel: You enchant me.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah.

Santana Lopez: Stop it! Ah!

Noah Puckerman: Take it. Ah, yeah!

Finn Hudson: Oh!

Quinn Fabray: Finn.

Finn Hudson: It must have hit my zipper.

Rachel Berry: You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for.

Quinn Fabray: Don't you dare mention the "C" word.

Rachel Berry: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.

Jacob Ben Israel: Is...is that accurate?

Emma Pillsbury: Will?

Will Schuester: Aah... aah. Emma... what are you doing here so late?

Emma Pillsbury: I do SAT prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um, are you a janitor?

Will Schuester: A ja-- no.

Emma Pillsbury: Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor and your shirt says "Will."

Will Schuester: Um... Terri and I are trying to buy a house, and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and... I'm really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us? Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me.

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Emma Pillsbury: Do you, um...Do you want a hand?

Will Schuester: Oh, no. I... I'm good, really.

Emma Pillsbury: Really, because, um, I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E coli, because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos. I really admire you working so hard for something you want.

Will Schuester: Let's make a deal. You're helping me with my problem, how about I take a stab at one of yours?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no, I don't, I don't have a problem.

Will Schuester: You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.

Emma Pillsbury: Well, I mean, I have, I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a... problem. Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.

Will Schuester: Really?

Emma Pillsbury: Um, when I was eight, we finally visited one, and after the tour and the yogurt tasting, my, my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.

Will Schuester: What?

Emma Pillsbury: And, um, ever since then I've just... I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh, the smell.

Will Schuester: Have you thought about, I don't know, maybe seeing someone about that?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no, it's completely manageable. You know, I just try to take lots of showers and I, um, you know, I don't eat dairy.

Will Schuester: So... I want to try...a little experiment.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with, with... that.

Will Schuester: There...Ten seconds.

Emma Pillsbury: New record. It's late. I should, um... I should be, um... going.

Rachel Berry: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.

Artie Abrams: But Mr. Schuester isn't here.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.

Mercedes Jones: I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Peron.

Finn Hudson: Let her talk.

Rachel Berry: I have another idea for the assembly.

Artie Abrams: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?

Rachel Berry: They're not going to kill us. Because we're going to give them what they want.

Kurt Hummel: Blood?

Rachel Berry: Better. Sex.

Principal Figgins: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.

Emma Pillsbury: Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!

Will Schuester: Hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I could tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm going to let some friends of mine show you instead.

New Directions: # Get up on this #
# Get up on this #
# Ooh, baby, baby #
# Ba-baby, baby #
# Ooh, baby, baby #
# Ba-baby, baby #
# Get up on this #
# Push it #
# Hey! #
# Get up on this #
# Push it #

Rachel Berry: # Sa, sa, sa, sa, sa #
# Salt and Pepa's here #

New Directions: # Get up on this #

Artie Abrams: # Now, wait a minute, y'all. #
# Now, this dance ain't for e'rybody #
# Only the sexy people #
# So all you fly mothers #
# Get on out there and dance #
# Dance, I said #
# Holla! #

Rachel Berry: # Sa-Salt and Pepa's here #
# And we're in effect, want you #
# To push it, babe #
# Coolin' by day, then at night #
# Workin' up a sweat, come on, girls #
# Let's go show the guys that we know #
# How to become number one in a hot party show #
# Now push it #

New Directions: # Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Puh-push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Get up on this #
# Hey! #
# Get up on this #

Finn Hudson: # Yo, baby pop #
# Yeah, you, come here, give me a kiss #
# Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed #
# Can you hear the music pumpin' hard #
# Like I wish you would? #
# Now push it #

New Directions: # Ah... #
# Push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it real good #
# Ah... push it #
# Push it good #
# Ah... push it #
# Puh-push it real good #
# Ah... #
# Push it #
# Get up on this #
# Ah... push it #
# Get up on this #

Mercedes Jones: # Ow! #

Artie Abrams: # Holla! #

New Directions: # Get up on this #
# Ah... push it #

Mercedes Jones: # Hey! #

New Directions: # Ah... #
# Push it. #

Jacob Ben Israel: Yes!

Sue Sylvester: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.

Principal Figgins: We received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.

Will Schuester: I... I really don't know what to say.

Sue Sylvester: Well, let me help you out, then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.

Principal Figgins: Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community's values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.

Will Schuester: But all these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title.

Principal Figgins: But they're also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I'm not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.

Sue Sylvester: This will not stand.

Principal Figgins: Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.

Will Schuester: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is going to let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.

Rachel Berry: What's a "luftballoon"?

Will Schuester: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club. And I understand why you did what you did. But I don't like the way you did it.

Ken Tanaka: They're for Tulip-A-Looza. It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It's supposed to smell pretty nice.

Emma Pillsbury: That's really sweet of you, Ken, but I have a... asthma.

Ken Tanaka: What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse, and in this town, you're not going to do much better. Okay, I'm done talking now.

Rachel Berry: Try it.

Finn Hudson: # La. #

Rachel Berry: Good.

Finn Hudson: That was good.

Rachel Berry: Okay, one more up.

Finn Hudson: # La. #

Rachel Berry: That was really good.

Finn Hudson: Is that okay?

Rachel Berry: Yeah, it's like the Holy Grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note. All right, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher.

Finn Hudson: Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, sure. Well, lucky I prepared for that.

Finn Hudson: Wow, I was wondering what that was all about.

Rachel Berry: Want to sit?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Rachel Berry: I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly.

Finn Hudson: Well, this is...my only chance to be, you know, good like you.

Rachel Berry: You think I'm good?

Finn Hudson: Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then, I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.

Rachel Berry: Your heart's on the other side of your chest.

Finn Hudson: Oh. It's beating really hard. You're cool, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Do you want a drink?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: Virgin Cosmos.

Finn Hudson: Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club, that was really cool.

Rachel Berry: Thanks. Well... Cheers.

Finn Hudson: Cheers. The cups are like the airplane cups.

Rachel Berry: Hun!

Finn Hudson: Oh, you got a little cosmo right... here.

Rachel Berry: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.

Finn Hudson: I want to.

Rachel Berry: What?

Carole Hudson: Oh, my God! What are you gonna do?

Rachel Berry: Did I do something wrong?

Finn Hudson: No, no. Um... I just got to go. Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?

Terri Schuester: I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.

Dr. Wu: Trust me, you're clear.

Terri Schuester: Are you sure?

Dr. Wu: Positive.

Terri Schuester: Is it a boy or a girl?

Dr. Wu: Um... I don't quite know how to put this. There's no baby.

Terri Schuester: Did it fall out?

Dr. Wu: Uh, no. Um...You're not pregnant.

Terri Schuester: But I've gained ten pounds.

Dr. Wu: It's probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen.

Will Schuester: I have to say, I'm a little surprised you guys are trying in on it.

Quinn Fabray: I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now, so what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him?

Santana Lopez: Hum!

Will Schuester: Well, let's see what you've got.

Brittany & Santana: # Say a little prayer for you #

Quinn Fabray: # The moment I wake up #
# Before I put on my makeup #

Brittany & Santana: # Makeup #

Quinn Fabray: # I say a little #

Brittany & Santana: # Prayer for you #

Quinn Fabray: # While combing my hair now #
# And wonderin' what dress to wear now #

Brittany & Santana: # Wear now #

Quinn Fabray: # I say a little #

Brittany & Santana: # Prayer for you #

Unholy Trinity: # Forever, forever #
# You'll stay in my heart and I will love you #
# Forever and ever #
# We never will part, oh, how I love you #
# Together, together #
# That's how it must be to live without you #
# Would only mean heartbreak for me #

Sue Sylvester: Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club?

Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don't kick us off the Cheerios.

Sue Sylvester: Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment, I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.

Quinn Fabray: And I'm going to get my boyfriend back.

Sue Sylvester: I don't care so much about that.

Will Schuester: Hey, Emma. Guess what? I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boys bathroom in the science wing? 9:00?

Emma Pillsbury: Will, what are we doing? I mean, you're having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh... I have a date.

Will Schuester: Oh, that's great.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.

Will Schuester: Yeah, but, with who?

Emma Pillsbury: I'm going to go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken.

Terri Schuester: There's my man. Bringing home the bacon.

Will Schuester: You... you made dinner. I thought you'd be asleep.

Terri Schuester: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie. From scratch.

Will Schuester: Terri, that's so thoughtful. I... Yeah, you know, I've been working so hard lately, some...Sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for. Family's what's important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.

Terri Schuester: Yeah.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?

Terri Schuester: I went to the baby doctor today.

Will Schuester: And?

Terri Schuester: And... It's a boy.

Will Schuester: Oh, my God. Terri, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh!

Terri Schuester: I want you to give up being a janitor.

Will Schuester: What?

Terri Schuester: Yeah. We don't need a new house. We'll turn my craft room into a nursery. It's a compromise that I want to make.

Will Schuester: Really?

Terri Schuester: Yeah. You know the only project that I want to work on now...is us.

Will Schuester: I love you so much.

Rachel Berry: You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That's my solo.

Will Schuester: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinn's audition song was on Figgins's approved list, and frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.

Rachel Berry: You're punishing me.

Will Schuester: Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you. Or, I've realized, about me. Look, I screwed up, too. I'm as responsible for what you did at that assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that... that is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we're going to succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. You're not always going to be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We're on our way..

Rachel Berry: Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.

Will Schuester: Sure.

Rachel Berry: # You look so dumb right now #
# Standing outside my house #
# Trying to apologize #
# You're so ugly when you cry #
# Please just cut it out #
# And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not #
# Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught #
# But you put on quite a show #

Mercedes & Tina: # Ooh #

Rachel Berry: # Really had me going #
# Now it's time to go #

Mercedes & Tina: # Oh #

Rachel Berry: # Curtain's finally closing #
# That was quite a show #

Mercedes & Tina: # Ooh, oh #

Rachel Berry: # Very entertaining #
# But it's over now #

Mercedes & Tina: # But it's over now #

Rachel Berry: # Go on and take a bow #
# Oh #
# And the award for the best liar goes to you #

Mercedes & Tina: # Goes to you #

Rachel Berry: # For making me believe that you could be faithful to me #
# Let's hear your speech out! #
# Oh! #

Mercedes & Tina: # Well, you put on quite a show #
# You really had me going #

Rachel Berry: # And now it's time to go #
# Curtain's finally closing #
# That was quite a show #
# Very entertaining #
# But it's over now #

Mercedes & Tina: # But it's over now #

Rachel Berry: # Go on and take a bow #
# But it's over now. #

Mrs. Schuester: When did you start cooking, Terri?

Terri Schuester: Oh, it's just hamburger casserole. Look out for bones.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry. I, um... I can't hold it in any longer. Um... Mom, dad. Terri's pregnant.

Terri Schuester: What?

Will Schuester: It's a boy.

Mrs. Schuester: Oh! Our first grandbaby!

Mr. Schuester: Oh, that's fantastic.

Terri Schuester: Thank you, yeah. sweetheart. honey?

Will Schuester: Yeah?

Terri Schuester: I thought we weren't going to tell anybody yet.

Will Schuester: Oh, your secret is safe with me. I spent six months in the Hanoi Hilton, never said a word. Am I right, doodle?

Mrs. Schuester: That's right, honey.

Terri Schuester: Oh! Yeah, we're going to turn the craft room into the nursery.

Mrs. Schuester: Oh! Show me!

Terri Schuester: Okay.

Mr. Schuester: I'm really happy for you, son.

Will Schuester: Tell you the truth, I'm terrified. I don't know how to do this.

Mr. Schuester: No one does. Look at me. I was a mess. I worked all the time, traveling. I was too strict.

Will Schuester: Okay, you're not instilling with a great deal of confidence here, dad. I mean, I'm already up all night thinking about this.

Mr. Schuester: That's my fault! ...The confidence thing. Boys learn that ...

Will Schuester: No.

Mr. Schuester: ...from their fathers. I started at zuckerman and zuckerman in college. I needed some extra cash. I was saving up...for law school. But I never went. I never even applied. Didn't have the balls. So, I settled for insurance. I mean, who was I to become a lawyer?

Will Schuester: You would have been a great one.

Mr. Schuester: You're the smartest guy I know. It's not about brains, son. Being a good father... hell, being a man. Is all about one thing: Guts. And you've got about six months to figure out if you have any.

Will Schuester: ... five, six, seven, eight. Step and step. Step and step. And turn it around. Down and up. And hit, hit... down... hit...

Rachel Berry: Can we stop, please?

Will Schuester: You don't have to ask me every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel. you can just go.

Rachel Berry: It's not my bladder. It's the choreography.

Will Schuester: Okay, what's wrong with the choreography?

Quinn Fabray: It sucks.

Santana Lopez: It's completely unoriginal.

Rachel Berry: Are you guys going to get shunned for talking to me?

Quinn Fabray: Sweetie, we're a team now. But you've got to do something about Mr. Schue's dance routines.

Rachel Berry: We can't compete with Vocal Adrenaline with these steps. You're a great vocal coach, Mr. Schue, But you're not a... a trained choreographer. That's what we need to be the best. We need Dakota Stanley.

Quinn Fabray: He's the best show choir choreographer in the Midwest. We Works with Vocal Adrenaline.

Santana Lopez: You can't take regionals without him. He was the understudy to the candelabra in "Beauty and the Beast" on Broadway

Will Schuester: Just because he understudied doesn't mean he ever performed.

Quinn Fabray: Did you ever perform, Mr. Schuester? After high school. did you even try?

Will Schuester: I wanted to. That was my dream, you know? I-I just never had...

Emma Pillsbury: The guts? They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. I mean, look at, um... look at John Stamos.

Will Schuester: I don't know. I guess I'm also just nervous about being a dad. You know, I want my kid to be proud of me. I want to set a good example, you know? I... I hope it's cool...me unloading on you like this. I don't want there to be any awkwardness.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. no, none at all. I mean, you know, especially since we're, um, we're both in relationships now. It's both of us.

Will Schuester: Right.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm in a relationship. you're in a relationship.

Will Schuester: Exactly, yeah. How's it going with Ken?

Emma Pillsbury: Great. it's great. it's wonderful. I mean, you know, he's... he's flawed, But he... he knows who he is, and that's.... that's great. And there really is. Nothing sexier in a man than confidence, you know?

Will Schuester: Sandy. I thought you weren't allowed on campus.

Sandy Ryerson: No, William. I'm not allowed within 50 feet of children. Besides, Henri and I go way back. I got him a job before we even had a shop class. I told Figgins that you are going to have a school full of nancies unless you get some hot wood. In those teenagers' hands.

Ken Tanaka: Here comes Henri.

Will Schuester: Ah, shoot. Terri was supposed to bring a cake.

Henri St. Pierre: I'm back.

Will Schuester: Henri had a little problem with over-the-counter cough medicine. He ended up cutting off his thumbs. It was a real tragedy.

Henri St. Pierre: I'll never hitchhike across Europe. That was a dream, man.

Will Schuester: Hum!...

Sandy Ryerson: Waouh! ...

Will Schuester: Where's Terri?

Howard Bamboo: Doing inventory. I can't count higher than 30.

Will Schuester: You know, This is nice. I can't remember the last time. I just hung out with the guys. Really talked about our feelings.

Ken Tanaka: Want to know what I'm feeling? I live at the YMCA. I only have one pair of long pants.

Sandy Ryerson: Oh, please. my life is a disaster with no creative outlet other than writing my Desperate Housewives fan fiction.

Howard Bamboo: I'm afraid of my vacuum.

Will Schuester: I know how you guys feel. I apparently don't know how to dance.

Henri St. Pierre: I don't have thumbs.

Will Schuester: Um.... Sorry.

Sandy Ryerson: # For he's a jolly good fellow #

Will & Ken & Howard & Sandy: # For he's a jolly good fellow #
# For he's a jolly good fellow #
# That nobody can deny. #

Will Schuester: Hey, that was pretty good.
# This is how we do it... #

Will Schuester: Two weeks ago, I would have agreed that four grown men rehearsing a capella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing. But busting out some white-hot new jack swing... I'll tell you, I've never felt more confident... Henri thought we should call our group...

Henri St. Pierre: ...Crescendudes.

Will Schuester: ...while Ken thought...

Ken Tanaka: ...Testostertones.

Will Schuester: ...was more manly. And then, we heard a single word leaves Howard's lips, and then, we knew we had our name.

Howard Bamboo: ...Acafellas.

Sandy Ryerson: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Will Schuester: Sandy, we voted. when you're in the group, it's creepy.

Sandy Ryerson: Wait. I...

Will Schuester: # This is how we do it #

Acafellas: # This is how we do it. #

Terri Schuester: Will! If I don't get some sleep, I could miscarry.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, Terri. I'll be right in.

Terri Schuester: I hope so.

Will Schuester: Being in a boy band did wonders for our love life. Seeing me feel so good about myself made my wife more attracted to me in every way. It was amazing. I mean, we started doing it once a week. It was like she was trying to make a twin.

Terri Schuester: Mm...

Rachel Berry: He's not coming.

Finn Hudson: What happened?

Rachel Berry: They're my famous sugar cookies. I bake them for the poor during Christmas time, But I whipped up a special batch just for you. I wanted to say how sorry. I was for what I said.

Will Schuester: Don't be. you were right. You know, the truth is, Rachel, if you weren't so hard on me, I never would have had the guts to start Acafellas.

Rachel Berry: But we need you, Mr. Schue. You've missed six rehearsals in the past couple of weeks, And when you're there, you're not really there.

Will Schuester: Which is why I think you should go ahead and hire Montana.

Rachel Berry: Dakota.

Will Schuester: Whatever. You know, I'll still be there to help you guys sing and stuff, but, uh, I just don't have time for all of it anymore.

Finn Hudson: Of course he doesn't want anything to do with us after you kicked him in the nads.

Rachel Berry: Then why did he thank me?

Santana Lopez: The goal is to win. And now that Mr. Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can.

Finn Hudson: But he doesn't want us to. he just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Rachel Berry: And that's my fault?

Finn Hudson: Do you see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm sorry" cookies? I don't... just you.

Quinn Fabray: I'm bored. All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley?

Finn Hudson: Hey, wait up. You can't do this to Mr. Schuester.

Rachel Berry: What? Make him a hero? Once we hire Dakota and win nationals. He'll thank me for it. You heard Santana. It's all about winning.

Finn Hudson: Since when?

Rachel Berry: Look, you have your popular clique and your football and your cliché of a blond girlfriend. Glee is my one shot. If this doesn't work out, then my whole high school life will be nothing but an embarrassment.

Finn Hudson: What's a cliché? Is that a bad thing? Wait, wait, wait, wait... Wait! Where you're pissed about one thing, but you're just pretending. Like you're pissed about something else? 'Cause...

Rachel Berry: I don't know what you're talking about.

Finn Hudson: Well, for a while there, you were kind of all over me. And now you just yell at me all the time. It makes me think that you're still upset about what happened in the auditorium.

Rachel Berry: I'm not. I've moved on and I'm focusing on my career now.

Finn Hudson: So you want to talk about it?

Rachel Berry: No. And neither do you. It's kind of ironic how you're Mr. Popular. And I'm just this no body that everybody makes fun of, but I have enough confidence to say out loud. That what happened between us in the auditorium was real. You have feelings for me and you just don't have the guts to admit it. We're hiring Dakota Stanley.

Finn Hudson: Even if it means me quitting?

Rachel Berry: Yes.

Sue Sylvester: It's a good start. You're sewing the seeds of destruction.

Santana Lopez: Mr. Schuester barely even shows up for rehearsals.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, no, no, no. "Barely" will not cut it. I will not be satisfied until glee club is disbanded. And what about this Dakota character? Any chance he actually helps?

Quinn Fabray: They're soft. He'll eat them alive. I give them 15 minutes before the first one quits or tries to commit suicide.

Sue Sylvester: You know, ladies... I learned a lot in special forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd... Then we went after the sheep. You need to go after these glee clubbers one by one. I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine.

Mercedes Jones: Have you ever kissed anybody?

Kurt Hummel: Yes. If by someone you mean the tender crook of my elbow. No, I haven't. But I want to. Okay, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in glee club. That means we are at the bottom of the social heap. Special ed kids will get more play than we will. The only thing that gets me by is my knowledge that we are superior to all of them. What are you wearing on our operation Dakota Stanley field trip?

Mercedes Jones: Is there a dress code?

Kurt Hummel: No, but every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion. We'll hit the mall after school. Meet me at lunch.

Mercedes Jones: Okay.

Quinn Fabray: You should totally scoop that.

Mercedes Jones: I don't think I'm his type.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, I think you are. Just follow our lead. We've got your back.

Will Schuester: # Oh, Poison #
# Yeah, spider-man and freeze in full effect #
# You ready, Ken #

Ken Tanaka: # I'm ready #

Will Schuester: # You ready, Henri? #

Henri St. Pierre: # I'm ready, Will, are you? #

Will Schuester: # Aw, yeah, break it down #

Acafellas: # Girl #

Will Schuester: # Girl, I must #

Acafellas: # Warn you #

Will Schuester: # I sense something strange in my mind #
# The situation is #

Acafellas: # Serious #

Will Schuester: # Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time #

Howard Bamboo: # Can't get her out of my head #

Henri St. Pierre: # Miss her, kiss her, love her #

Ken Tanaka: # Wrong move, you're dead #

Henri St. Pierre: # That girl is #

Acafellas: # Poison #
# Whoa, whoa, whoa #

Howard Bamboo: # Never trust a big butt and smile #
# That girl is #

Acafellas: # Poison #

Ken Tanaka: # Poison deadly moving it slow #
# Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe #
# Getting paid laid, better lay low #
# scheming on the hots, my end the pro show #
# Low pro ho should be cut like an afro #
# See what you're saying, huh? #
# She weighin' me, but I know she's a loser #

Henri St. Pierre: # How do you know? #

Acafellas: # Me and the crew used to do her. #

Emma Pillsbury: Yay.... Ken... Ken Tanaka.

Will Schuester: In my own little way, I felt like I was finally... a star.

Mr. Schuester: Thank you so much.

Mrs. Schuester: Acafellas!

Mr. Schuester: Hey! Son, this is huge.

Will Schuester: Oh!...

Mrs. Schuester: Ah!...

Mr. Schuester: We just sold all 17 copies of your CD.

Mrs. Schuester: I didn't even have to show any of them my bosoms.

Mr. Schuester: Doodle honey, you go get yourself a sanka.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Mrs. Schuester: Okay.

Will Schuester: Thanks, mom. Good job.

Mr. Schuester: I bought one for my grandson. So he can hear for himself how good his old man was.

Will Schuester: Ah! ...

Principal Figgins: Schue, that was an amazing performance.

Will Schuester: Oh, thank you. I mean, we're just starting out, so...

Principal Figgins: Look, there's a PTA meeting next Thursday night and I want Acafellas to be the main event. I need those parents happy. They found out we've been serving their children prison food.

Will Schuester: Uh-huh.

Mr. Schuester: Great job, son.

Ken Tanaka: Well?

Will Schuester: Is it too soon to call Will Schuester the next Michael Buble? The audience last Thursday at benchwarmers sports bar didn't think so. And Ken Tanaka's smoky baritone is like a cool fog that sweeps over a deep ocean of emotional intensity. A big thumbs-up to Henri St. Pierre who proves you don't need all ten fingers to pluck a lady's heartstrings like a well-tuned sexy harpsichord. Only Howard..." Uh, sorry, Howard. They didn't say anything about you. Buckle up, Ohio. Are you ready for a new musical sensation? You'd better be, because here come the Acafellas.

Ken Tanaka: Yeah!

Will Schuester: Ah! Ah! Ah! ...

Sandy Ryerson: Oh, congratulations. On your dead tree valentine, gentlemen. By the way, I want in. Stop right there, William. I've got two words for you. Josh Groban. He's coming to the PTA event.

Howard Bamboo: Who is Josh Groban?

Sandy Ryerson: Who is Josh Groban?! Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his critics' choice award.

Ken Tanaka: Why would he come to our show?

Sandy Ryerson: Because I invited him. Josh and I have become frequent pen pals since he accidentally friended me on myspace. And being my close personal confidant, He is only interested if I am in the group.

Will Schuester: No, Sandy. We have standards.

Sandy Ryerson: Okay, fine. But just so you know, the blogs are all a twitter. They say he's looking for an opening act.

Mercedes Jones: Damn, kurt, this car is fly.

Kurt Hummel: My dad got it for my sweet 16. After I swore to stop wearing formfitting sweaters that stop at the knee. What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.

Quinn Fabray: Are we even sure they're rehearsing today?

Rachel Berry: Vocal Adrenaline rehearses every day from 2:30 until midnight.

Mercedes Jones: I'm just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us. They're so cool and popular, and we look like we just stepped off the short bus.

Kurt Hummel: Those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice. We have more heart. And you don't look touched in the head. That outfit is amazing.

Mercedes Jones: So, would you ever, .. You know, want to hang out?

Kurt Hummel: Come over. It's Liza Minnelli week on AMC!

Rachel Berry: Guys! That's Andrea Cohen. She won Outstanding Soloist last year in 'Absolutely Tampastic'.

Girl of Vocal Adrenaline: You can't ... leave rehearsals for any reason. That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn's disease.

Rachel Berry: Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline? We'd like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreography for our Glee Club.

Andrea Cohen: Don't! He's a monster.

Vocal Adrenaline: # Hit the beat, take it to the rest now #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# I love you #
# Whoo, whoo #
# But I gotta stay true #
# Whoo, whoo #
# My morals got me on my knees #
# I'm beggin', please stop playin' games #
# Whoo #
# I don't know what you do #
# But you do it well #
# I'm under your spell #
# Gotcha under my spell #
# You got me beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Why won't you release me #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# I'm beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Why won't you release me #
# Mercy #
# Show me some mercy #
# I said release me #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# You got me beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# You got me beggin' you for mercy #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Give me some mercy #
# I said release me #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

Dakota Stanley: Get off my stage!

Rachel Berry: Mr. Stanley! We're the McKinley High Glee club.

Dakota Stanley: No interviews.

Tina Cohen-Chang: We'd like you to choreograph for us.

Dakota Stanley: Look, my fee is $8,000 per number, Plus a $10,000 bonus if you place in the top three. And with Dakota Stanley at the wheel, you will place at the top three. Move it.

Rachel Berry: How are we gonna get $8,000?

Will Schuester: Kick that way and back. You kick out...

Ken Tanaka: Hold on. Okay, one more.

Will Schuester: Okay. Kick out. Right behind you. It's all right.

Ken Tanaka: Oh! ... Where is everybody?

Will Schuester: Sandy went to get Henry from wood shop. And, oh, there's Howard. Hello.

Howard Bamboo: Will, I don't think I can be in the band anymore.

Will Schuester: What?

Howard Bamboo: I'm doing inventory. It was never my dream.

Will Schuester: Howard's out.

Ken Tanaka: Oh, that... that's just great. What's he... Hey. Emma. You didn't, uh, see me dancing earlier, did you?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, is that what that was? Look, I have some bad news.

Ken Tanaka: You're breaking up with me. What, here? In front of another dude?

Emma Pillsbury: No, look, please stop talking. Um, no, look, I think the Acafellas pressure has proven to be a little bit too much for Henry.

Will Schuester: Really, why?

Emma Pillsbury: Well, he just downed six bottles of cough syrup, which is a lot, even for him. Um, he's okay. Sandy's in the emergency room with him now, but Figgins is insisting before he comes back; and can be around kids again, that he goes to rehab. So that's where he's going tomorrow morning.

Ken Tanaka: That's just great. So Acafellas is officially doomed now. You know, uh, when I get stressed, I ..., I work out. You can probably tell. So I'm gonna, uh, down some power bars. Knock off a few reps. Come up with some solutions here.

Will Schuester: It was fun while it lasted.

Emma Pillsbury: I don't think you should give up so easy, Will. You know, they said Van Halen was dead after David Lee Roth quit, but my worn-out single of "Right now" says that they were wrong.

Finn Hudson: You got a sec, Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: Yeah, of course. what's up?

Finn Hudson: I just want to tell you that I'm quitting glee, too.

Will Schuester: I... I didn't quit glee.

Finn Hudson: Well, you might as well have. It's nutty in there. I try and talk sense into Rachel. But she's gone all chick-batty. I gotta be honest with you. It's hard being the quarterback when I get in the huddle and all the guys are calling me "deep throat." Glee's bringing down my rep, man.

Will Schuester: Have the guts to stick with it a little bit longer. You are a gifted performer, Finn. You can't quit now. If you do, you're just gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me! I know.

Finn Hudson: It's just not fun anymore.

Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, wait. There's something I want to talk to you about.

Ken Tanaka: What do you want, Puckerman?

Noah Puckerman: I hear there's a vacancy in your a capella group. I want to offer my services. I play guitar. And actually, I'm a really good singer. There are a lot of moms at your gigs, right. Well, here's the thing you should know about me: I'm not like everybody else in this crappy cow town. I've got star potential, and more specifically, I'm tired of wasting my time with high school girls.

Noah Puckerman: You're breaking up with me? Why?

Santana Lopez: Your credit score is terrible. What I need as a woman is financial security.

Noah Puckerman: See, young girls will shoot you down and make you feel terrible about yourself... but a cougar never disappoints.

Noah Puckerman: Thanks, Mrs. H.

Mrs. H.: Is that a nipple ring?

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, I'm kinda rock and roll.

Mrs. H.: I need your help unclogging my bathtub drain.

Noah Puckerman: The proof was in the sexual pudding. My above-ground pool cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music and gave these fine ladies the romance they were missing. I also stopped beating people up so much.

Noah Puckerman: When do we start rehearsals?

Ken Tanaka: Now you listen to me, you little psychopath. My love life is hanging by a thread and that thread is Acafellas. It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants. So if you screw this up for me, I swear to you I will stick my fist so far down your throat, you will taste my armpit hairs. Do I make myself clear? Good. We rehearse Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00. Don't be late.

Will Schuester: Do that. Okay, come on.

Noah Puckerman: Dude, my bowels have better moves than you.

Will Schuester: Guys, stop. You guys got the steps down. You just need to relax, okay? Um, you guys play baseball, right? What does your coach tell you about hitting?

Noah Puckerman: If you charge the pitcher, bring the bat.

Will Schuester: Okay, um, but I'm sure he also tells you to relax, right? Cause hitting's all about the hips, right? You gotta loosen them up. Just swing that bat. All right, pretend, Acafellas, Madison Square Garden. Here we are. all those beautiful ladies out there. You swing that big ol' bat. bam! Hit some home runs, all right, guys? All right. Now let's try it from the top, okay? Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, get those hips into it. That's it! That's it! All right! Yeah!

Finn Hudson: That baseball thing sure was good, Mr. Schue.

Noah Puckerman: Totally. That was awesome.

Rachel Berry: We need to have a gayvention. That's a gay intervention.

Tina Cohen-Chang: It's k...k..Kurt. He's Lady Fabulous.

Rachel Berry: It's obvious you like him. We just don't want you to get hurt by feelings. He can't reciprocate.

Mercedes Jones: Look, just because he wear nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down-low.

Rachel Berry: He wore a corset to second period today.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You can do better, Mercedes.

Mercedes Jones: Really? Well, what if I can't? There's not a lot of guys around here knocking down my door for a date. Or yours, for that matter. Nobody notices us. Hello? We're in glee club. And I'm tired of being lonely. Aren't you? But Kurt... Kurt is sweet to me, and he likes who I am, and I like how I feel when I'm with him. And he's in our group, he understands what I'm going through. Now, maybe that's not enough for you guys, but it's enough for me.

Emma Pillsbury: You know what, Sue? I got to say, I really misjudged you. Getting the cheerios to help out with the glee club choreographer fund-raiser is one of the nicest things I've ever seen.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Erma, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this Glee Club successful.

Man: Come on!

Emma Pillsbury: Ooh! So excited. Oh, I love a car wash, too, though, you know. When I was little, if I got all "a"s. My dad would let me wash his car, so I'd get my little toothbrush out, and I'd clean it all weekend long.

Sue Sylvester: You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring. I'm shocked you're not married.

Mercedes Jones: Your rims are clean. We've polished them, like, three times already.

Kurt Hummel: Did you bring a change of clothes? Because we're going straight to sing-along sound of music.

Mercedes Jones: So, listen, Kurt, This is like the third time we've gone out. Can we just make it official?

Kurt Hummel: Make what official?

Mercedes Jones: You know, that we're dating.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Mercedes, But I thought I made it very clear. I'm in love with someone else.

Mercedes Jones: Rachel!

Kurt Hummel: Yes. For several years now.

Mercedes Jones: # I bust the windows out your car #
# and, no, it didn't mend my broken heart #
# I'll probably always have these ugly scars #
# but right now I don't care about that part #
# I bust the windows out your car, hey #
# after I saw you looking right at her #
# I didn't wanna, but I took my turn #
# I'm glad I did it 'cause you had to learn #
# I must admit it helped a little bit #
# to think of how you felt when you saw it #
# I didn't know that I had that much strength #
# but I'm glad you see what happens when #
# ha, ha, ha, ha #
# I bust the windows out your car #
# you know I did it 'cause I left my mark #
# wrote my initials with the crowbar #
# and then I drove off into the dark #
# I bust the windows out your car #
# hey, you should feel lucky that that's all I did #
# after five whole years of this bull-- shh! #
# gave you all of me and you played with it #
# I bust the windows out your car. #

Kurt Hummel: You busted my window. How could you do that? You busted my window!

Mercedes Jones: Well, you busted my heart.

Dakota Stanley: Okay, please examine your personalized menus. This is what you're going to be eating For the next six months.

Mercedes Jones: Um, mine just says coffee.

Dakota Stanley: Mm-hmm.

Rachel Berry: What's smelt?

Dakota Stanley: A pungent low-carb freshwater fish. Okay, let's start with today's business. Artie, you're cut. You're not trying hard enough.

Artie Abrams: At what?

Dakota Stanley: At walking. we can't be wheeling you around during every number. It throws off the whole dynamic, and it's depressing.

Mercedes Jones: So, you're kicking him out?

Dakota Stanley: Mm-hmm. Also you, is going to go, Effie. No, no, no. Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: You can't kick people out of Glee Club because you don't like the way they look.

Dakota Stanley: Uh, why don't you shut your face-gash and stay away from aerosol cans because you could burst into flames at any second? You three ...you're great. you're perfect. Seriously. don't change thing. Uh, you..... ew, nose job.

Finn Hudson: Now just hold on a second.

Dakota Stanley: What? What was that, Frankenstein? Why don't you, uh, wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been dragging on the ground?

Finn Hudson: What's wrong with you?

Dakota Stanley: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland creature. Um, am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it, hmm? Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like, "you got what it takes." But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't. So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather, and ask yourself, "do I want to be a winner... or not?"

Finn Hudson: Screw this. I quit.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Me t-too.

Mercedes Jones: Let's roll, Artie.

Dakota Stanley: No. great, great. You know, separate the wheat from the chaff; that's perfect.

Rachel Berry: Wait. Barbra Streisand. When Barbra was a young ingenue, everyone told her in order to be a star. She'd have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused.

Dakota Stanley: Where's this going, yentl?

Rachel Berry: Where it's going is that... We don't need you. Let's face it. We're never going to be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We're gonna win because... we're different. And that's what makes us special.

Mercedes Jones: They told J. Lo her booty was too big.

Artie Abrams: Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.

Finn Hudson: Jim Abbot.

Kurt Hummel: I have no idea who that is.

Finn Hudson: He was a one-armed pitcher for the yankees. Pitched a no-hitter.

Dakota Stanley: Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it, too. That's great. What's your point?

Rachel Berry: Our point is that... you're fired. And I'm taller than you.

Dakota Stanley: Mm... Barely.

Finn Hudson: Wait, we have to wear mascara?

Ken Tanaka: Sandy says it makes our eyes pop.

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Noah Puckerman: There's a lot of moms out there, right?

Will Schuester: Guys, don't worry about it. Just get in the zone, all right? This is going to be fun. Believe me. You're going to remember this night for the rest of your lives.

Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: I know, you're nervous.

Finn Hudson: No, that isn't what I wanted to tell you. It's just... thanks. For believing in me.

Sandy Ryerson: He's here! He's here! Josh Groban is here! Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.

Will Schuester: He actually showed up? I can't believe it!

Sandy Ryerson: Gentlemen, forget every experience you have ever had in your drab little lives. This is the most important thing you will ever do. Places!

Sandy Ryerson: # a tick-tock you don't stop #

Acafellas: # stop! #

Sandy Ryerson: # to the, a tick-tock you don't stop #

Acafellas: # stop! #

Sandy Ryerson: # to the, a tick-tock you don't stop #

Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #

Sandy Ryerson: # I know you're not gonna sing that song! #

Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #
# tick-tock, you don't stop #
# oh, oh, oh, oh #

Sandy Ryerson: # I know you're not gonna sing that song! #

Will Schuester: # come inside, take off your coat #
# I'll make you feel at home #
# now let's pour the glass of wine #
# 'cause now we're all alone #
# I've been waiting all night #
# so, just let me hold you close to me #
# 'cause I've been dying for you #
# girl, to make love to me #

Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #
# I wanna sex you up #
# oh, oh, oh, oh #
# to the, tick-tock, you don't stop #

Noah Puckerman: # let me take off all your clothes #
# disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah #
# let me light a candle so that #
# we can make it better #
# makin' love until we drown, yeah #

Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #

Noah Puckerman: # girl, you make me feel #
# real good #

Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #

Noah Puckerman: # we can do it till we both wake up #

Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #

Finn Hudson: # girl, you know I'm hooked on you #

Will Schuester: # and this is what I'll do... #

Sandy Ryerson: # I know you're not gonna sing that song! #

Acafellas: # oh, oh, oh, oh #
# I wanna sex you up. #

Sandy Ryerson: I would like to just go into the recording studio and lay some of those tracks down. And of course I would love to play some bigger venues. Wembley Stadium, Red Rocks...

Josh Groban: Hey, guys, I'm Josh Groban. This is my bodyguard, Flex. We were in town. I was inducting Run-DMC. Into the rock and roll hall of fame last night, So I thought I'd stop by and say hello. So, which one of you is, uh... Sandy?

Sandy Ryerson: Ooh!... We are so honored that you came here today.

Josh Groban: I came here to tell you...

Sandy Ryerson: Yes, Sir?

Josh Groban: Stop emailing me. This is a restraining order. Stop sending me nude photos. Stop calling me. I don't know how you got my number! I don't know how you got my number again after I changed it, but I don't want any more. Of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair. And I don't want to read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.

Flex: That stuff got crazy, dude.

Josh Groban: Are we clear? Thank you, gentlemen. And by the way, great show. I mean, like... explosive.

Will Schuester: Thanks. Sorry.

Terri Schuester: I'm sorry, Will. I... I could have been more supportive. You guys were actually pretty good. And you were good. You were really good.

Will Schuester: Yeah?

Terri Schuester: Yeah.

Mr. Schuester: Don't bother. She's already pregnant. Hey, kids. Have you seen doodle?

Josh Groban: Now, you might be thinking, why would a pop star like me come over here and talk to you? Well, let me tell you something. Throngs of screaming teenagers don't do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blowsy alcoholic. Oh. Oh, wow.

Mrs. Schuester: You'll have to forgive me, ma'am. I'm a little bit drunk, and I'm afraid I'm not making good choices right now.

Terri Schuester: Maybe she slipped and hit her head again.

Mr. Schuester: You guys kicked some serious tail up there tonight. Sorry about the whole Josh Groban thing.

Will Schuester: Nah, it's all right. How are the other guys taking it?

Mr. Schuester: That Ryerson guy cried himself to sleep in Figgins' arms and Ken Tanaka is raiding the nacho bar. What about you? You okay?

Will Schuester: You know, dad... I am. I mean, this was all a dream come true, but... I'm a teacher. And a really good one. That's enough for me.

Mr. Schuester: I know. I saw the way your students look at you. You inspire people. You inspired me.

Will Schuester: What do you mean?

Mr. Schuester: I'm going to law school. Night classes for now, Until I get all of my prerequisites, but I registered yesterday. You made me realize it's never too late to grow a pair and go after your dream.

Will Schuester: That's amazing, dad. That's so amazing!

Mercedes Jones: Hey, Kurt. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry I did that to your car. I'll pay for it to get fixed.

Kurt Hummel: It's okay. My dad took my baby away after he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.

Mercedes Jones: And I just wanted to say I hope it works out between you and Rachel You'll have really cute, loud babies.

Kurt Hummel: Mercedes. I lied to you. I don't like Rachel. I'm gay.

Mercedes Jones: Why didn't you just tell me?

Kurt Hummel: Because I've never told anyone before.

Mercedes Jones: You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt. You should just tell people, especially the kids in Glee. The whole point of the club is about expressing what's really inside you, remember?

Kurt Hummel: I can't. I'm just not that confident, I guess.

Sue Sylvester: Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley; Mr. Schuester is back; and they're busy at work on a new number, More confident than ever.

Will Schuester: And down... clap, and up, clap, clap. Down, clap, and up, clap, clap.

Sue Sylvester: This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure. And it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.

Quinn Fabray: Mrs Sylvester, I want to thank you.

Sue Sylvester: For what?

Quinn Fabray: For teaching me a valuable life lesson. When you really believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down.

Will Schuester: Uh, uh, step, ball change and head. Step, ball change and head. Low and up. Low and high! Oh, what do you guys think?

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester.

Will Schuester: Yes. Rachel.

Rachel Berry: It was really good.

Will Schuester: Thank you. Thank you. Okay. From the top.

Kurt Hummel: Dad. You're home early.

Burt Hummel: Deadliest Catch is on. What are you wearing?

Kurt Hummel: It's a unitard. Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays. Do sports. They wick sweat from the body.

Tina Cohen-Chang: F-F-Football.

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, all the guys in football wear 'em. They're jock-chic.

Brittany S. Pierce: Totally. Kurt's on the football team now. He's the kicker. That's the smallest guy on the field, right?

Kurt Hummel: Yeah. Ye... Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.

Burt Hummel: Hmm. Really? You know, I played in J.C. before I busted up my knee... poppin' wheelies on my dirt bike.

Kurt Hummel: Cool. I guess we'll have something to talk about then.

Burt Hummel: So one of you two his girlfriend?

Kurt Hummel: But I'm not ready to be exclusive just yet.

Burt Hummel: Hmm. All right, just keep the music down. I can't hear myself think up there. Hey, Kurt. Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.

Will Schuester: You're doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.

Kendra Giardi: No, no, no. Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and bestial... and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.

Will Schuester: Well, I'm just trying to be supportive.

Kendra Giardi: Well, this isn't about you.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry, Kendra. When was I making it about me?

Kendra Giardi: You have to be liked, Will. You're nice and supportive and you avoid conflict. Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy... in five months. She doesn't need nice. She needs Dolomite.

Will Schuester: I can be tough.

Kendra Giardi: Of course you can, sweetie. Okay, why don't you come on down here. I'm gonna show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife's stomach.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Terri Schuester: Oh, no, wait.

Kendra Giardi: Oh, no, no. You'll like it. Phil still does it to me. It feels great.

Terri Schuester: I don't want him touching my stomach. I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby.

Kendra Giardi: Oh!

Terri Schuester: Yeah. Honey, would you make me a B. L. tea?

Will Schuester: Sure. Uh... Um, it's gonna take a few minutes though.

Terri Schuester: That's okay.

Will Schuester: Okay, be right back.

Kendra Giardi: Make me one too. But hold the tomato.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Kendra Giardi: And the lettuce.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Terri Schuester: I can't do this.

Kendra Giardi: Don't worry about it. You're gonna have an epidural. I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty. And then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.

Terri Schuester: Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody, not even Phil?

Kendra Giardi: Oh, my God. Is the baby black?

Terri Schuester: No.

Kendra Giardi: Oh!...

Terri Schuester: The doctor said it's a hysterical pregnancy. I can't tell Will. I can't. He already has one foot out the door. This baby's the only reason he's still here.

Kendra Giardi: What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you lied?

Terri Schuester: Oh, God, I don't know. I gotta tell him the truth... .I've gotta tell him, and I've gotta deal with the consequences.

Kendra Giardi: Are you insane?

Terri Schuester: What?

Kendra Giardi: Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.

Terri Schuester: Oh! Kendra...

Kendra Giardi: Stop being so emotional.

Terri Schuester: Okay.

Kendra Giardi: The solution is clear. We're gonna have to get you a baby.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I hope I'm not intruding.

Emma Pillsbury: No. Not at all. Oh, um, so get this. You know how I'm kind of like a local news junkie, right?

Will Schuester: Isn't that kind of depressing?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. It's kind of like a horror film, you know. It's drug recalls and poison toys. Africanized bees... that was terrible.

Ken Tanaka: That's because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because this way you can experience them... from the safety of your condo.

Emma Pillsbury: ... Anyway... Yeah, um, they just finished this story on this zoo mauling... and, um, you'll never guess who came on next.

Rod Remington: Well, let's see what's going on now... with the local champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester... in a brand-new segment we call "Sue's Corner."

Andrea Carmichael: Take it away, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Thanks, Rod, Andrea. You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who's safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore... after winning an international cheerleading competition... and they'll tell you one thing: caning works. And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those naysayers out there who say, "That's illegal. You can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks." Well, to them I say : yes, we can. And that's how Sue sees it.

Will Schuester: They gave her a segment on the local news?

Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.

Will Schuester: Why?

Emma Pillsbury: Mm...

Sue Sylvester: Well. Because being a local celebrity who's been written up twice... on the sports page of USA Today has its perks, William. Hey, pal, you wanna pull that chair out for me? My hand's still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole... this morning. Brought you some holes I couldn't finish. And, uh, F.Y. I... the overnights were through the roof. You don't know what that means, do you? Overnights. Well, that's lingo for overnight ratings... which shows us leading among 18 to 49-year-olds... making WOHN western Ohio's number one local newscast.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow.

Sue Sylvester: "Wow" is the word, Alma. You know, I wasn't always in the spotlight. But I didn't wanna end up stuck at a lousy high school... wrestling with mental illness. Or 40 and single... Coaching the worst football team in the history of our state. Or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed. I didn't wanna have to do that to myself. So I sent out my CV, and I am so happy to tell you... that I am busting out of my box. I'd love to stay and chat, but I got a satellite interview. That's lingo, again, for an interview... via satellite.

Rachel Berry: E... Excuse me. This-This isn't the right key.

Will Schuester: It's actually the right key.

Rachel Berry: This is the alto part.

Will Schuester: Yep. Tina's doing the solo.

Rachel Berry: I'm... I'm sorry. There must be some sort of mix-up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from West Side Story goes to me. Maria is my part. Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I've had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.

Will Schuester: Well, I'm trying to shake things up a bit, get us out of our boxes.

Rachel Berry: You're trying to punish me.

Will Schuester: I think you're being irrational.

Rachel Berry: I think you're being unfair.

Will Schuester: I think you're being unfair to Tina... who might have been happy about getting her first solo.

Rachel Berry: Tina knows how much I respect her, and I think she would agree with me... that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.

Mercedes Jones: Wait. I'm a Jet?

Artie Abrams: The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.

Will Schuester: Congratulations, Tina. This is going well.

Kurt Hummel: Finn? I needed to ask you something.

Finn Hudson: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered. I know how important dances are to teen gays.

Kurt Hummel: I'm not gay.

Finn Hudson: Oh!...

Kurt Hummel: I just... I needed a favor.

Ken Tanaka: This is not that difficult, gentlemen. Let's go.

Finn Hudson: Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you. Keep your eye on the ball. Don't try to aim it. Okay, put your helmet on.

Kurt Hummel: It'll mess up my hair.

Finn Hudson: Put your... Put your helmet on, okay?

Kurt Hummel: Oh! God.

Finn Hudson: It's... Good. Red's your color.

Kurt Hummel: Thank you for helping me with this, Finn. You're really cool...

Finn Hudson: Well, I figure the more crossover between Glee and football... the easier my life's gonna be. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going?

Kurt Hummel: To get my music ready.

Finn Hudson: What, are you nuts? You can't use that.

Kurt Hummel: But we did when we were rehearsing.

Finn Hudson: Practicing. No one was around. You know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this tryout? If you do it your way, they're gonna kill you.

Kurt Hummel: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise. I'm doing this. I'm doing it my way.

Noah Puckerman: So are you two an item now, or... He doesn't belong here.

Finn Hudson: You joined Acafellas. What's the difference?

Noah Puckerman: I'm a stud, dude. I can wear a dress to school, and people think it's cool.

Ken Tanaka: Everybody take a knee. Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langanthal... is zero for 12 in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically-minded people know... that sucks! So Mr. Langanthal... will thusly now be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.

Kurt Hummel: Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Kurt Hummel: That was good, right?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: It's good?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Ken Tanaka: Can you do that with the game on the line... and 10 gorillas bearing down on you... who want nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?

Kurt Hummel: Sounds like fun. Can I have my music?

Ken Tanaka: If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu for all I care. Gentlemen, we have found ourselves a kicker!

Mr. McClung: More mail for you, Sue. But I think there might be some hate mail mixed in... from your editorial on littering.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yella. And not everyone's gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance... but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That's why I pay taxes. It keeps garbage men earning a living... so they can afford tacos for their family.

Mr. McClung: Fantastic. But I'm... concerned... about your future at WOHN. You see, my daughter goes to your school... and she says that a lot of the top cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir. You know, it makes me wonder if you're... if you're losing all that talent how you can expect to win nationals. See, your segment's all about being a champion, Sue, a winner. So... we need you to win nationals. Okay. Uh, thanks a bunch. Great work.

Finn Hudson: Quinn. Quinn. Hey, what's with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I'm sorry.

Quinn Fabray: I'm pregnant... I wasn't sure, and I really didn't wanna go by myself. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.

Finn Hudson: Mine?

Quinn Fabray: Yes, you. Who else's would it be?

Finn Hudson: But we... we never...

Quinn Fabray: Last month. Hot tub?

Finn Hudson: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.

Quinn Fabray: Think of the mail.

Finn Hudson: Oh!...

Quinn Fabray: Think of the mail. Think of the...

Finn Hudson: But we were wearing our swimsuits.

Quinn Fabray: Ask Jeeves said a hot tub... is the perfect temperature for sperm. It helps it swim faster.

Finn Hudson: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are... Are you gonna get a...

Quinn Fabray: No. I really thought I had a shot of getting out of here.

Sandy Ryerson: I've been collecting since 1961.

Sue Sylvester: Now, isn't this just lovely and normal?

Sandy Ryerson: They're my everything. Teatime!

Sue Sylvester: Right.

Sandy Ryerson: So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence?

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and say hello, buddy. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies... limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

Sandy Ryerson: Please, have a seat on the casting couch. It is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays. Saturdays, I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.

Sue Sylvester: Sandy. Let's cut the crap.

Sandy Ryerson: ... I'm living in a cocoon of horror. Yesterday I ate nine cans of aerosol whipped cream. No...

Sue Sylvester: You... Sandy, Sandy. We have similar problems. You need to be back in the spotlight. I wanna offer you the school's arts administrator position. You will have control of all the arts programs... music, art, drama. Wait for it. Glee Club.

Sandy Ryerson: That's impossible. Figgins will never allow it.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, don't you worry about Figgins.

Principal Figgins: I'm never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.

Sue Sylvester: Take a look at this.

Principal Figgins: Vascular embolisms are a serious hazard on long distance flights. So make sure to stretch your legs every hour to prevent clotting. For additional protection: Anti-embolism stockings can be purchased from your flight attendants.

Sue Sylvester: Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school. Better yet, YouTube.

Sue Sylvester: Our first order of business is Glee Club.

Sandy Ryerson: Oh! I couldn't agree with you more. William is running it into the ground.

Sue Sylvester: And there's one linchpin holding that group together.

Sandy Ryerson: Rachel Berry. How do we steal her away?

Sue Sylvester: Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy. I'm gonna fire four words at you. Liza Minnelli. Céline Dion.

Sandy Ryerson: Oh, yeah. I am yours.

Rachel Berry: # What do you say to takin' chances? #
# What do you say to jumping off the edge? #
# Never knowing there's solid ground below or #
# a hand to hold or hell to pay #
# What do you say? #
# What do you say? #

Sandy Ryerson: Wow.

Rachel Berry: What's next?

Sandy Ryerson: Congratulations, Miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead.

Will Schuester: This is a joke.

Principal Figgins: William. Sandy has never been formally charged with anything. And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash. This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in the chair... complaining how I don't care about the arts program?

Will Schuester: This was you. You have always been out to get me.

Sue Sylvester: Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.

Sandy Ryerson: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.

Will Schuester: Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?

Rachel Berry: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents, and I took it. How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?

Will Schuester: Because I didn't do it out of spite.

Rachel Berry: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue. You don't like me very much.

Will Schuester: That's not true. I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.

Rachel Berry: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there. I try the hardest, and I want it the most.

Will Schuester: Everyone knows that, and they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win regionals like that. We need everyone to think that they're a star.

Sue Sylvester: We're giving everyone a chance to think they're a star. We're providing opportunities. We're opening doors. Find your voice. Stomp that yard. All that crap.

Will Schuester: What does she have on you?

Sandy Ryerson: Enough... I tried to play nice with you, William. But clearly, you prefer to be adversaries. So be it.

Rachel Berry: I'm not quitting Glee. I'm just looking for a reason to stay.

Will Schuester: Oh, like me taking the solo away from Tina?

Rachel Berry: Everyone on the team is getting something out of being there. You're doing a great job of getting them out of their shells. Except for me. I'm still getting my lipstick flushed in the toilet. I still don't have a boyfriend. Tina's great, but... why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good?

Will Schuester: Just come to rehearsal.

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Tonight, tonight it all began tonight #
# I saw you and the world went away... #
# Tonight, tonight there's only you tonight #
# What you are what you do what you say... #
# Today, all day I had the feeling #
# A miracle would happen #
# I know now I was right... #
# For here you are and what was just a world is a star... #
# Tonight. #

Will Schuester: That was great, Tina. Good job.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You don't have to say that. I was sh... sharp. I c... can't do this.

Will Schuester: Hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey. I need you to be great at regionals. To do that, you've got to know that you can do this.

Tina Cohen-Chang: You have to give this song to Rachel. She's better than me. And you know she'll quit if you don't. I'll just take one for the team.

Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, what's up? Hey. It's okay. It's okay.

Finn Hudson: Thanks a lot for this, Mr. Schue. I couldn't talk to my mom, you know.

Will Schuester: Yeah. So how far along is she?

Finn Hudson: I don't know. A couple of weeks maybe. It's pretty recent, I guess.

Will Schuester: Well, what do you... what do you need me to do? You want me to... You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood?

Finn Hudson: No. No. It's not even a conversation. She's keeping it. I've seen the guys around town who had kids in high school. They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas or worse. They're caged. Got no future. I can't become one of those dudes. Mr. Schue, I got to go to college. But we don't have any money, and... I need a football scholarship. But the only way I'm gonna get one is if we start winning.

Will Schuester: I'm not a football coach.

Finn Hudson: Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff... and you helped me and Puck with the dancing?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Finn Hudson: You loosened us up. That's the football team's problem. I figured it out watching Kurt kick those field goals. Check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of 'em. Except for the encyclopedias, but... It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he won dance competitions on Soul Train. And he took ballet lessons. And he even got the whole Bears team to take them... the year they won the Super Bowl. That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Will Schuester: Let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Uh, I don't think Ken will go for that.

Finn Hudson: We'll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you. Then I'm sure some of them will wanna join... It's a win-win for both of us.

Will Schuester: Eat up.

Terri Schuester: How far along is she?

Will Schuester: A few weeks. It breaks my heart. They're both so scared to death, Ter. They're just kids. They can't raise a baby. Here this poor girl is so ashamed... she feels like she can't tell anybody. I mean, can you imagine? Having to hide something like that. All that effort covering that up.

Terri Schuester: What did you say her name was? Quinn?

Will Schuester: Quinn Fabray.

Terri Schuester: Oh.

Will Schuester: Oh, and here's the kicker. She's president of the Celibacy Club.

Noah Puckerman: This is garbage. What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?

Finn Hudson: Why don't you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team. Even in practice.

Noah Puckerman: So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?

Will Schuester: Guys. Guys. Athletes are performers just like singers and dancers. And think about it. Jim Brown. Dick Butkus.

Finn Hudson: O.J.

Will Schuester: O.J. Right. All pretty tough guys. All of them had big careers as performers. Now, I don't think you guys are losing because you don't have the talent. You're losing because you don't have the right attitude.

Noah Puckerman: Oh, I get it. We have to think more like Amazonian black women.

Will Schuester: Think about it. If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.

Noah Puckerman: Coach. Please. Step in here.

Ken Tanaka: I'm down with it. I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.

Football Player: That's true.

Kurt Hummel: Sun Tzu says in his Art of War to never let the enemy know you. Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise. Don't tell me that you wouldn't be on your heels... if the other team started busting a move on the field.

Ken Tanaka: Okay, too much talking, not enough stretching. In the choir room in full pads in five. That's five minutes. Let's go.

Will Schuester: A... five, six, seven, eight. Step, ball change, up. That's good, guys. Your hips are still a little tight, okay? It's just like you're playing football. It's all about the lateral movement. Just stay low and...

Kurt Hummel: May I?

Will Schuester: Watch Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: All right, boys. Five, six, seven. Hand, hand. Point to the finger. Hip, head. Oh! Sneak attack. Back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap the butt.

Ken Tanaka: Okay, that's enough for today, gentlemen. We'll... work on it. Just hit the showers.

Football Player: Bye, Coach.

Kurt Hummel: Um, Coach, I don't mean to interject... but I think we should end with a show circle.

Noah Puckerman: What's your problem?

Finn Hudson: Nothing. I just got a lot on my mind.

Noah Puckerman: Seriously, dude, what's going on? I'm your best friend. Talk.

Finn Hudson: It's personal.

Noah Puckerman: I knew it. You're in love with Kurt.

Finn Hudson: Quinn's pregnant. She's keeping the baby.

Noah Puckerman: What's up, MILF?

Quinn Fabray: Leave me alone.

Noah Puckerman: Who's the daddy?... I just think it's kind of weird if it's Finn... since you told me you were a virgin when we did it. And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him.

Quinn Fabray: How can you be so sure?

Noah Puckerman: Finn's my boy. He would've told me.

Quinn Fabray: You make a habit of sleeping with your boy's girlfriends?

Noah Puckerman: Well, call the Vatican. We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception. I'd take care of it, you know. You too. My dad's a deadbeat, but I don't roll that way.

Quinn Fabray: Weren't you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?

Noah Puckerman: Mm... I've got my pool-cleaning business.

Quinn Fabray: We live in Ohio. I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers... and I felt fat that day. But it was a mistake. You're a Lima loser, and you're always gonna be a Lima loser.

Terri Schuester: How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I'd say no more than five or six. I assume you haven't told your parents yet. I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can't raise this baby, Quinn.

Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry, but who are you?

Terri Schuester: I'm just somebody who wants to help.

Quinn Fabray: I don't need your help. Get the hell out of my car!

Terri Schuester: Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking? Yeah. Here. Three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.

Quinn Fabray: I don't understand. What do you want from me?

Cheerios: W-M-H-S!

Will Schuester: Anyone sitting here?

Emma Pillsbury: Um, no. No, here.

Cheerios: W-M-H-S!

Will Schuester: Well, at least I know it's clean.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.

Finn Hudson: Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.

Noah Puckerman: Yeah, a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays.

Football Player: Seriously, Finn, it was fun in practice and all... but we can't do that out here in front of everybody. It'll make us even more of a joke.

Finn Hudson: Divert right, 87 on one. Break!

Football Players: Break!

Man: Yo, Q. B! Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! Give me some ketchup!

Finn Hudson: Down, set, hike! Punch and Judy on one. Break!

Ken Tanaka: Come on! Come on!

Kurt Hummel: Dad! Dad! I told you! I told you!

Finn Hudson: Jordan versus Bird on one!

Football Player: Run!

Ken Tanaka: Run!

Emma Pillsbury: Aw!

Finn Hudson: Cupid tips on one. Break! Time-out! Dude, we got to do it.

Noah Puckerman: We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.

Finn Hudson: We're already jokes. I don't wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.

Man: Yo, left tackle, your mama's so fat... her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard, like Baywatch!

Noah Puckerman: Hey, ankle grabber, I had sex with your mother. No, seriously. I cleaned your pool. And then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets. Let's do it, captain.

Finn Hudson: Come on. Huddle up. Huddle up. Okay, "Ring On It" on three. Yeah. All right? Come on. On three. One, two, three, break!　Break! Hut one, two! Three! Let's hit it!

Finn Hudson: Hike!

Ken Tanaka: You're up, kid. You make this, and we win. You make this, and you die a legend.

Kurt Hummel: Can I pee first?

Burt Hummel: He's so little.

Finn Hudson: Center, hike!

Burt Hummel: Yes! Yes! Yes! That is my boy!

Kurt Hummel: Nighttime skin care is a big part of my post game ritual.

Burt Hummel: I don't know what to say about that, but, uh... I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt. I wish your mom would've been there... I mean, alive.

Kurt Hummel: Thanks. Dad? I... have something that I wanna say. I'm glad that you're proud of me. But I don't wanna lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football... has really showed me that I can be anything. And what I am... is... I'm gay.

Burt Hummel: I know.

Kurt Hummel: Really?

Burt Hummel: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but... if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Okay? Thanks for telling me, Kurt. You're sure, right?

Kurt Hummel: Yeah, Dad. I'm sure.

Burt Hummel: Just checking.

Finn Hudson: Hey. Here. It's my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it. I took it everywhere with me, so it's a little dirty. But I want our baby to have it. I'm gonna do everything I can to be a good father.

Quinn Fabray: Thank you, Finn.

Noah Puckerman: Hey, guys. How you doing? Lately I've been getting really sick in the morning.

Quinn Fabray: Must be a virus.

Noah Puckerman: Hey, you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They're not gonna be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid... much longer.

Finn Hudson: Hey, don't talk to my girlfriend like that.

Noah Puckerman: You know what? You're right. I was out of line. See you guys around.

Sue Sylvester: You know, there's a question I get asked a lot. Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest... people ask me, "Sue, what's your secret?" Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys, let's give a big Glee welcome to our three new members... fresh off their big win on Friday night... Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come.

Sue Sylvester: Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up.

Will Schuester: Let's start today with "Tonight" from West Side Story. Tina. Show us what you got.

Sue Sylvester: You know, I'm tired of hearing people complain... "I'm riddled with this disease" or "I was in that tsunami." To them I say, shake it up a bit. Get out of your box. Even if that box happens to be where you're living.

Sandy Ryerson: I thought you had Glee practice, my little multitasking star.

Rachel Berry: I quit. I'm yours exclusively.

Sue Sylvester: I'll often yell at homeless people... "Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?"

Rachel Berry: Maybe this time in B-flat.

Sue Sylvester: You know something, Ohio? It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans... and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will. And that's how Sue sees it.

Finn Hudson: # A singer in a smoky room #

Quinn Fabray: # The smell of wine and cheap perfume #

Finn & Quinn: # For a smile they can share the night #
# It goes on and on and on and on #

Will Schuester: Quinn, you OK?

Finn Hudson: I think she just had a bad breakfast burrito.

Kurt Hummel: Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?

Santana Lopez: Your sexuality?

Kurt Hummel: Rachel. We can't do it without her.

Will Schuester: That's not true. We may have to layer Santana Mercedes over Quinn's solo, but... we'll be fine.

Artie Abrams: Maybe for the invitationals, but not for the sectionals and certainly not the regionals.

Noah Puckerman: The wheelchair kid's right. That Rachel chick wants me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.

Will Schuester: Rachel left, guys. She's gone. If we want to make this thing work, we can't look back. Alright, take five minutes.

Finn Hudson: Um. Mr. Schue? I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but with all the dancing around that Quinn's doing, I'm kind of worried about the baby.

Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Um... how about I give Tina a few of her verses, okay?

Finn Hudson: Okay.

Will Schuester: You think you might want to tell your mom about what's going on?

Finn Hudson: I think I'd rather handle it myself right now. My mom's got enough to worry about.

Will Schuester: How come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray has been upchucking every 15 minutes.

Terri Schuester: Really? That's a really good sign. That means the baby's not a Mongoloid.

Will Schuester: Well, is it bad that you haven't been sick then?

Terri Schuester: Oh, no, honey, no, no. You should ask Howard Bamboo about my Linda Blair impersonations every half hour at work.

Will Schuester: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this whole Rachel thing.

Waiter: Hey. Would you like anything else?

Terri Schuester: Another piece of grasshopper pie.

Waiter: What, are you going for the record?

Terri Schuester: I'm with child.

Will Schuester: Hey, did you go to McKinley High? I think I had you in my Spanish class.

Waiter: Yeah, like, five years ago. I go to Carmel now.

Will Schuester: How is that possible? You must be 22.

Waiter: ... Twenty-four. I'm a sixth-year senior. They keep failing me so I can stay in Vocal Adrenaline.

Will Schuester: They fail you on purpose?

Waiter: Yeah.

Will Schuester: Is that legal?

Waiter: I'm the only one who can do the triple flip.

Terri Schuester: Yeah. Hey, how about that other piece of pie?

Waiter: How about it.

Terri Schuester: Honey, are you all right?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Fine.

Finn Hudson: So... have I done something wrong... or... ?

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. No, no. Absolutely not. No, um, actually, I've just, um, taken a special interest in you. Look, I know sometimes that life can come at you pretty fast, and, uh, you reach a point where you might just need a little, um, special guidance.

Finn Hudson: Has someone told you something about my personal life?

Emma Pillsbury: No. Mm-mm.

Will Schuester: Can you keep a secret?

Emma Pillsbury: But, you know, there are very few students that ever get athletic scholarships. Okay? But there are a lot of schools that give full rides to students who excel in music. Students like yourself. And I don't know, maybe if you were able to go to college, you wouldn't, say, end up stuck in this town in a dead-end job living hand- to-mouth with a wife and a kid you never intended to have, you know? For example. That's just something off the top of my head.

Finn Hudson: But we lost Rachel. Do you think we can do it without her?

Emma Pillsbury: Sure.

Will Schuester: Do you think we can win regionals without Rachel?

Emma Pillsbury: Well, remember the Jamaican bobsled team? Big long shots.

Emma Pillsbury: Definitely. But if you're concerned about your future and, um, those who may be a part of your future soon, um, maybe you could just give Rachel a talk. You know, see if you can get her to come back.

Jacob Ben Israel: How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical?

Rachel Berry: It's an honor. Frankly, one I feel I've earned. If there's anything I've learned in my 16 years on the stage, it's that stars are rare, and when they're found, you have to let them shine.

Jacob Ben Israel: ... Mm. Show me your bra.

Rachel Berry: You mean the one I'm wearing?

Jacob Ben Israel: Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good review, show me your over the shoulder boulder holder.

Rachel Berry: No way. You can't do that. My performance will stand on its own. Besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway.

Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online. You'll be finished on the high school stage. Now, get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.

Sandy Ryerson: Sorry I'm late. My Vespa had a flat.Give me a minute and I will be ready for my interview.

Jacob Ben Israel: We're actually not gonna need any quotes from you for the article, Mr Ryerson. Do the right thing. All the great actresses take their clothes off.

Sandy Ryerson: Well, I have no problem with nudity. Let me tell you about my planned production of Equus. Have you ever hung out at a stable?

Finn Hudson: Hey, what are you doing?

Rachel Berry: Nothing. Uh, just... getting the star treatment I didn't get in Glee.

Finn Hudson: Totally.

Rachel Berry: It's times like this where I know I've chosen the right path. I'm never going back to Glee. It's clear my talent is too big for an ensemble.

Finn Hudson: Not gonna get an argument from me.

Rachel Berry: I'm not?

Finn Hudson: No. You're, like, the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chain saws. I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to run lines with, I'm available.

Rachel Berry: Th... There is a lot of dialogue.

Finn Hudson: I figured... we could go somewhere quiet, maybe with low lighting and... Let me know.

Emma Pillsbury: I could get fired for this.

Will Schuester: She was a student 15 years ago. No one is gonna care.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Will Schuester: I... I knew it. She never graduated. She... she quit with, like, three credits to go.

Emma Pillsbury: Will. Yeah, I, um, I saw her picture in the folder. Pretty.

Will Schuester: Pretty? Mm. April Rhodes was a goddess. The most talented performer in McKinley Glee Club history. When she sang, it was mesmerizing. She was my first crush. I was a freshman...

Emma Pillsbury: Wait...

Will Schuester: ... she was a senior.

Emma Pillsbury: Wait, hold on, 'cause I thought you said your wife was your first crush.

Will Schuester: Well, yeah, that's because April didn't even look at me. Aw, crap, there's no forwarding address.

Emma Pillsbury: S... So then you've... you've had feelings for someone other than your wife.

Will Schuester: Emma, I'd love to play This Is Your Life, but... Lord Google demands my attention.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, just wait... wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Um, reaching back into your past is a dangerous business, okay? People can change. They can, um, disappoint you...

Will Schuester: I think I can handle it.

Emma Pillsbury: I thought I could, too. Just hear me out, hear me out. A few years ago, I started an online flirtation with a high school flame Andy. Things got weird, and I called it off. And two months later... ... Versace was dead. Dead.

Will Schuester: Okay... April Rhodes... Ohio. Oh! She has a MySpace page.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, God.

Will Schuester: Oh, and here's a link to her own personal web site. She's online. "Hi, April."Not sure if you remember me, but my name is Will Schuester."

Emma Pillsbury: 35 Bontempo Road, between 2: 00 and 3: 00.

Will Schuester: Oh! Oh!

Emma Pillsbury: Bring buffalo wings.

Will Schuester: April.

April Rhodes: Hello. Are you Will?

Will Schuester: Y... You remember me?

April Rhodes: Mm. No, but I don't remember breakfast. Come on in. So, did I sleep with you?

Will Schuester: Uh, I was a freshman when you were a senior.

April Rhodes: So, did I sleep with you?

Will Schuester: No.

April Rhodes: Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a fresh box of wine.

Will Schuester: This is a-a great place you have. Uh, looks like you're doing well for yourself.

April Rhodes: I get about five or six appointments on a good day from my World Wide Web page, so I do okay for myself. Why don't you have a seat, take off that jacket, and I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable.

Real Estate Agent: So, this is a beautiful five-bedroom... with wood-burning fireplace and... You. This is the third time this week.

Will Schuester: Who are you?

Real Estate Agent: I'm Sandra with Oakcrest Realty. And she is a squatter. This is a bank- owned property. The owners foreclosed six months ago.

April Rhodes: Let me just get my vino, and I'll be out of your hair. Hold that.

Will Schuester: Okay. Just... Nice place.

Will Schuester: Can I ask you a question?

April Rhodes: Yeah.

Will Schuester: What happened to you, April? In high school, you were really going places. You had a voice like a dream; everyone loved you.

April Rhodes: Oh. Oh, I hitched my star to the wrong wagon. Me and my high school sweetheart Vinny were convinced we were going to be stars, so we dropped out of school and hitchhiked our way to the Broadway. Then we ended up in Cleveland slinging hash at Ralph's Bait Shop and Waffle House. Then Ralph had an affair with Vinny. I had a set of mixed-race twins. And those were the good times....

Will Schuester: April... I think your struggle is really moving. And I want to help you get back on your feet. I happen to know that you're only three credits shy of your diploma. I can put you in my Spanish class. And... I know you're an amazing singer. I want you to be in the glee club. We'll get you sobered up... find you some underwear. It's not too late for you, April. What do you say?

Will Schuester: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member.

Finn Hudson: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?

April Rhodes: Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.

Artie Abrams: Mr Schuester, this seems like a terrible idea.

Will Schuester: April is a great singer. And she never graduated.

Mercedes Jones: We appreciate what you're trying to do, but she's no Rachel.

April Rhodes: Who's Rachel?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Sh... She's kind of our star.

April Rhodes: Your star, eh? Well, where is she?

Kurt Hummel: She left. To be the lead in Cabaret.

April Rhodes: Hey, Tinkles, give me "Maybe This Time" in B flat. And don't let me catch you snoozing.
# Maybe this time #
# I'll be lucky #
# Maybe this time, he'll stay #
# Maybe this time #
# For the first time #
# Love won't hurry away #
# He will hold me fast #
# I'll be home at last #
# Not a loser #
# Anymore #
# Like the last time #
# And the time before #

Rachel Berry: # Everybody loves a winner #

April Rhodes: # So nobody loved me #
# Lady Peaceful #
# Lady Happy #
# That's what I long to be #
# All the odds are #
# They're in my favor #

Rachel Berry: # Something's bound to begin #

April Rhodes: # It's gonna happen #

Rachel Berry: # Happen sometime #

April Rhodes: # Maybe this time, I'll win #

Rachel Berry: # 'Cause everybody #
# They love a winner #

April Rhodes: # So nobody loved me #

Rachel Berry: # Lady Peaceful #
# Lady Happy #

April Rhodes: # That's what I long to be #
# All the odds are #
# They're in my favor #

Rachel Berry: # Something's bound to give in #

April Rhodes: # It's gonna happen #

Rachel Berry: # Happen sometime #

April Rhodes: # Maybe this time #

Rachel Berry: # Maybe this time, I'll win... #

April Rhodes: # I'll win... #
# Win! #
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Will Schuester: So, if I were to say, "I'm going to Mexico for the day," would I use "por" or "para"?

April Rhodes: Mm...

Will Schuester: April.

April Rhodes: Para.

Will Schuester: Por.

April Rhodes: Oh. I guess I better pour myself another Crantini. I'm just kidding. It's hot chocolate.

Will Schuester: All right, remember, guys, oral reports Wednesday. April, can I talk to you for a second?

April Rhodes: I'm sorry, Will. The old noodle just ain't what she used to be. I huffed a lot of upholstery cleaner in the '90s

Will Schuester: Look, April, I've been, uh, talking to the glee kids, and, um, I think they're still not so sure about having you around. You draw a lot of attention to yourself. And they're embarrassed enough as it is. So do you think you could maybe take some time and try to win them over?

April Rhodes: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: Mm, smells like my Aunt Mildred.

April Rhodes: Just drink it.

Kurt Hummel: Sweet. With a bit of an afterburny taste.

April Rhodes: Oh, good Chablis should always have a little bite. Now, a few swigs of that every day before school, and you'll have all the courage you need to be yourself.

Kurt Hummel: Really?

April Rhodes: Oh, yeah.

Kurt Hummel: That's fantastic.

April Rhodes: Mm, so is my primo collection of vintage muscle magazines. Want them?

Kurt Hummel: Mr Schuester, I changed my mind. April should stay. I worship her.

April Rhodes: Oh, no, you got to be more natural.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I c... can't do this.

Mercedes Jones: I don't understand why we're doing this in the first place.

April Rhodes: Your lack of imagination astounds me. This is only the beginning. If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party. With the candles still lit.

Will Schuester: Are you sure?

Mercedes Jones: She can stay.

Tina Cohen-Chang: T... t... Totally.

April Rhodes: Ah! Ah! Ah!... Don't tickle me.

Rachel Berry: # What good is sitting #
# Alone in your room? #

Sandy Ryerson: This is terrible.

Rachel Berry: # Come hear the music play #

Sandy Ryerson: This is a disaster.

Rachel Berry: # Life is a cabaret #

Sandy Ryerson: I'm gonna barf.

Rachel Berry: # Old chum #

Sandy Ryerson: Boring!

Rachel Berry: # Come to the cabaret #

Sandy Ryerson: No, no, no, no, no!

Rachel Berry: I don't know what you want.

Sandy Ryerson: Well, I know what I don't want. And it is all of this. When I gave you this part, I thought you could handle it, but clearly you can't. What this show needs is a star with a little bit more maturity.

Rachel Berry: I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to quit, so you can be the star. Well, it won't work. I'm not going anywhere.

Sandy Ryerson: I'll say.

Rachel Berry: I'm sleeping with him.

Finn Hudson: So am I... This play's weird.

Rachel Berry: That's Mr. Ryerson's favorite line. You're a really good actor, Finn. Maybe you should consider joining the musical.

Finn Hudson: I'm pretty devoted to Glee. I don't think I could just walk away from it. I know how hard it was for you. But I could justify doing both if you came back. But we both know that's not gonna happen.

Finn Hudson: Do you know what we should do?

Rachel Berry: Elope?

Finn Hudson: What?

Rachel Berry: Nothing.

Finn Hudson: We should go bowling. You're always so stressed out about the play. You just need to loosen up. I always go bowling whenever I'm worked up about a big game or something.

Rachel Berry: Just us?

Finn Hudson: Yeah.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, that... that... that would be great. I... I am really stressed out. But that's the price you pay for being a star.

April Rhodes: Don't I know it.

Will Schuester: Hey,Rachel. April Rhodes, Rachel Berry. Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believing."

Finn Hudson: Wait, she's singing the female lead?

Rachel Berry: Wait, she's in the glee club? She's... ancient.

April Rhodes: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.

Finn Hudson: That's Rachel's part, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: Well, Rachel's not in the glee club anymore.

Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn.

Will Schuester: Rachel... We're all really excited to see the play. Make sure you save us a seat in the front row.

April Rhodes: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Finn Hudson: You, you, you, you, you.

Emma Pillsbury: Kurt? Hi. Kurt. I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.

Kurt Hummel: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh!

Will Schuester: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the set list for Saturday.

Emma Pillsbury: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that "the full Silkwood."

Will Schuester: What happened?

Emma Pillsbury: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an 11-year-old milkmaid. Will, I think it was April. Her backpack's always clinking with empties.

Will Schuester: I'm so sorry. I... I will, I'll talk to him.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. I'm, um, I'm a little bit worried about the glee club.

Will Schuester: So am I. I mean... if we don't place at regionals, it... it's all over.

Emma Pillsbury: We have obligations as teachers, Will, to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment. With April in Glee, you're taking away a kid's chance to grow, and you're giving it to someone whose brain is soaked in corn booze.

Will Schuester: April's not finished, Emma. And if Glee's gonna win, I need to give her a second chance. She is a talented performer and I really think that the kids are going to learn a lot of valuable technique from her.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. But I think you need to think about... why you're doing this and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it.

Sandy Ryerson: You... suck!

April Rhodes: Oh... Rough day at the office, cookie?

Rachel Berry: I've just got a lot on my plate. It's not easy being in the spotlight. It's the difficult road I've chosen.

April Rhodes: Yeah. I know that song, sister. Um, do you have any NyQuil? I could use a little pick-me-up. No. These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.

April Rhodes: Yeah, well, some guys like a little somethin'... somethin' on the side.

Rachel Berry: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate and your presence in this school is a complete travesty. What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.

April Rhodes: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back... I'm never letting it go.

Rachel Berry: Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn't there be diseases in there or something?

Finn Hudson: Oh, no. Ball sharing's all part of the fun. Here, use the pink one. Pink's your favorite color, right?

Rachel Berry: Now what?

Finn Hudson: Follow my lead. Okay, so... Just look at the pins. Nice and straight. You sure this is your first time?

Will Schuester: Oh, ho... ho! April!

April Rhodes: Woo-hoo!

Will Schuester: You see what you can accomplis when you're sober?

April Rhodes: Sober? I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers. I can't feel my lips. Oh, you know... I think I'm going to keep these shoes.

Will Schuester: April... I brought you here because I need to talk to you.

April Rhodes: Okay.

Will Schuester: I'm concerned that you're a bad influence on the glee club. I can't have you around if you're going to continue to encourage them to make bad choices.

April Rhodes: Well, you're right, Will. As of right now, I'm back on the wagon.

Will Schuester: Really? That's great. I have to tell you something. I was in awe of you in high school. I mean, of all the roads I never traveled in my life, the one I regret the most was never... getting the chance to sing with you.

April Rhodes: Really?

Will Schuester: Yeah. I mean, that's how you get better, you know? Singing with people who are better than you.

April Rhodes: You really thought that much of me?

Will Schuester: April... You are the reason I joined Glee Club.

April Rhodes: No... So, your dream was always to sing with me, huh?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

April Rhodes: Well, then, come on.

Will Schuester: What?

April Rhodes: Come on!

Barry: Hey, April, karaoke's on Wednesdays. Tonight's bingo.

April Rhodes: Shut your gravy hole, Barry.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys, uh, happy gambling. Here we go.

April Rhodes: # I hear the ticking of the clock #
# I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark #
# I wonder where you are tonight #
# No answer on the telephone #
# And the night goes by so very slow #
# Oh, I hope that it won't end, though #
# Alone #
# Till now, I always got by on my own #

April & Will: # I never really cared until I met you #
# And now it chills me to the bone #

April Rhodes: # How do I get you alone? #

Will Schuester: # How do I get you alone? #

April Rhodes: # How do I get you alone? #

Will Schuester: # How do I get you alone? #

April & Will: # Alone #
# Alone! #

Rachel Berry: This is really good pizza.

Finn Hudson: Mm... Yeah. I think they import the pepperoni from, like, Michigan or something.

Rachel Berry: How's Glee?

Finn Hudson: Oh, well, everybody misses you.

Rachel Berry: They miss my talent.

Finn Hudson: No, no. We're your friends. We just miss having you around.

Rachel Berry: I love Glee, I just... don't see the point in wasting my energies on someplace that I'm not appreciated.

Finn Hudson: I appreciate you. It's your last ball. Just like the first time, but better.

Rachel Berry: Ah!

Finn Hudson: Come back to Glee.

Rachel Berry: What about Quinn?

Finn Hudson: I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I just know that I want to spend more time with you now.

Rachel Berry: I'll... I'll have to quit the play. I'll do it!

Kurt Hummel: Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant.

Artie Abrams: That doesn't explain all the crying.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe she just doesn't like the group.

Noah Puckerman: Are you all that stupid? Seriously? I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates. Maybe Quinn's got one in the oven.

Mercedes Jones: Who's the baby's daddy?

Noah Puckerman: Who do you think? Finn.

Rachel Berry: Yes, you've heard right... I am returning to Glee Club. In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice.

Mercedes Jones: This is a hot damn mess.

Santana Lopez: Oh! My God!

Rachel Berry: Uh, I'm sorry; I thought I'd be welcomed back with a tad more enthusiasm.

Kurt Hummel: Sorry, Glee Club has just been rocked with its first scandal.

Mercedes Jones: Quinn's knocked up.

Kurt Hummel: And the baby daddy? Finn.

Finn Hudson: I just wanted to drop off the application for that scholarship you were telling me about. I got Rachel to come back to Glee, so, I figure we have a real shot at it.

Emma Pillsbury: I'm so proud of you. See what you can accomplis when you set your mind to it?

Rachel Berry: Finn. You're a liar. Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?

Finn Hudson: Who told you?

Rachel Berry: Everyone knows but me. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.

Finn Hudson: But I... I do. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but... but look, I need to get a music scholarship, so I can go to college, so I can get a good job, so I can take care of my kid and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club. You should take it as a compliment.

Rachel Berry: You could have just been honest with me.

Finn Hudson: Look, I know what I did was wrong. I get that, but... that kiss was real.

Rachel Berry: Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble, but my dreams are bigger than that and they're bigger than you.

Rachel Berry: Miss Sylvester. We need to talk. If you'd like to to return to the musical, changes need to be made.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Rachel, I couldn't agree with you more. You know, when I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious. I hereby grant you complete artistic control. Congratulations, kiddo. You now have everything you could possibly want. Isn't it a great feeling?

New Directions: Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... ... ... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia... Mia...

Will Schuester: The house is packed... you guys are going to kick butt tonight. Your first performance in front of a real audience. I can't wait. You guys are going to love it. Where... Where's April?

April Rhodes: Yee-haw! Right on cue, as usual. Hey, roller-boy. Handsome. Oh, I like that color. Have you been working on the, uh, moves we talked... You've got something right there, on your... Uh, oh... Honk! There's my boy.

Will Schuester: Are you drunk? You promised me you'd sober up for this.

April Rhodes: When? Last night? Well, I was drunk. You can't hold me to that. Hit it, knuckles. You... You... You... You... You...

Emma Pillsbury: April Rhodes almost ran me over in the parking lot just now, Will. You can't let her go on in her condition.

Will Schuester: There is an auditorium full of people waiting to see us perform and if she doesn't go on, none of the kids can.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow. It's really great how committed you are to these kids.

Principal Figgins: Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome McKinley High School's New Directions.

April Rhodes: # Last night, I got served a little bit too much #
# Of that poison, baby #
# Last night, I did things I'm not proud of #
# And I got a little crazy #
# Last night, I met a guy on the dance floor #
# And I let him call me baby #

New Directions: # And I don't even know his last name #
# Oh, my mama would be so ashamed #
# It started off, "Hey, cutie, where you from?" #
# And then it turned into, "Oh, no, what have I done?" #
# And I don't even know his last name #

April Rhodes: # Wow! #
# We left the club right around 3:00 in the morning #
# His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot #
# Well, it should have been a warning #
# I had no clue what I was getting into #
# So I blame it on the Cuervo #

New Directions: # I don't even know my last name #
# And my mama would be so ashamed #

April Rhodes: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Wow! #

New Directions: # Don't even know #

April Rhodes: # My last name #
# Oh, yeah. #

April Rhodes: Mm... Mm...

Will Schuester: I need to talk to you.

April Rhodes: Sorry. Baby had to tinkle. Come on. Act two.

Will Schuester: No, I can't let you go back out there. You broke a promise.

April Rhodes: You're right. It's a great moment for me, but it didn't feel right. I don't belong up there. But everybody desserves their moment in the spotlight, you know, to shine? Oh, I got that standing ovation, Will. And it felt amazing. Like every bad decision I'd ever made just went away. I was back in the game. But then I look over and I see these sweet faces of these kids and I think... "I'm hogging their sunshine. It's their turn now, not yours." They're so Lucky to have you, Will, because you won't let what happened to me ever happen to any of them.

Will Schuester: So, where you gonna go?

April Rhodes: Well, um... I'm going to straighten up. Maybe try to find a new dream. You know, I always loved the Broadway.

Will Schuester: The Broadway.

April Rhodes: Do you think there's a part out there for a washed-up has-been like me?

Will Schuester: April, you are not washed-up. And hey, there's always Branson.

April Rhodes: Will... Will... Will...

Will Schuester: Thank you.

April Rhodes: Oh... No, no, no. Thank you. Branson, eh?

Artie Abrams: They loved us! We're a hit.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh... Wh... Where's April?

Kurt Hummel: You were right, Mr. Schue. She'd massacre Mariah in a diva-off.

Will Schuester: April is amazing. But she's not in the glee club anymore. It... I, uh... I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great.

Mercedes Jones: But we need her for the second act.

Will Schuester: I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short. Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry.

Rachel Berry: Excuse me? I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.

Mercedes Jones: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?

Rachel Berry: Since I quit the play.

Kurt Hummel: Really? Why?

Rachel Berry: I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.

Quinn Fabray: You don't know the choreography.

Finn Hudson: Then we're going to have to give her a lot of help out there.

Will Schuester: Go get in your costume.

Will Schuester: Excuse-me!

Finn Hudson: # Can #

New Directions: # Anybody #
# Find me #
# Somebody to love? #

Rachel Berry: # Oh-oh, oh... ho! #
# Each morning I get up, I die a little #
# Can barely stand on my feet #

New Directions: # Take a look, take a look #

Finn Hudson: # Take a look in the mirror #
# And cry, "Lord, what you doing to me?" #

Rachel Berry: # I spent all my years believing you #
# But I just can't get no relief #
# Lord #

Finn & Rachel: # Somebody, oh, somebody #
# Can anybody find me #

Rachel Berry: # Somebody to love? #

New Directions: # Someone to love #

Finn Hudson: # Got no feet, I got no rhythm #
# I just keep losing my beat #

New Directions: # You just keep losing #

Rachel Berry: # I'm okay, I'm all right #

New Directions: # It's all right #

Rachel Berry: # I ain't gonna face no defeat #

Finn & Rachel: # I just got to get out of this prison cell #
# Someday I'm gonna be free #
# Lord #

New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #

Rachel Berry: # Me... oh, oh, oh #

New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Find me somebody to love #

Finn Hudson: # Oh #

New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #

Rachel Berry: # Oh #

New Directions: # Somebody, somebody #
# Somebody, somebody #
# Find me, find me #
# Find me somebody to love #
# Can anybody find me #

Mercedes Jones: # Somebody to love? #
# Oh, oh... #

New Directions: # Find me somebody to love #

Rachel Berry: # Somebody find me #

Finn Hudson: # Find me #

New Directions: # Somebody find me #
# Somebody to love #
# Somebody #
# Find me #
# Somebody #
# To... #
# Love. #

Ian Brennan: Here's what happened last week.

Mercedes Jones: This is a hot damn mess.

Ian Brennan: Rachel and the glee club know that Quinn's pregnant, but they all think Finn's the father, when really it's Puck.

Finn Hudson: Oh!

Ian Brennan: Yikes! And Terri's only fake pregnant and wants Quinn to give her her baby so Will won't find out.

Will Schuester: How come you haven't had any morning sickness?

Ian Brennan: Oh, and also, Ken is dating Emma, but she's really got eyes for Mr. Schue. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: Five, six, seven, eight. Step, turn, Out, in, ball-change, step ball-change step. You, you, you, you. And ba-ba-ba. Turn... Come on, guys, you're sleepwalking on me here. Give me some energy. We've got sectionals in two...

Mercedes Jones: Please, sectionals is going to be a breeze.

Will Schuester: Maybe so. But if we coast through sectionals, We're gonna get killed at regionals. We have got to be on our game.

Kurt Hummel: Sorry. Funny youtube. It's the grape stomping one.

Will Schuester: The kids have gotten really complacent. It's like the fire has totally gone out.

Emma Pillsbury: Um, um, I'm sorry, you've just, uh... You've got a little Mustard in your cute Kirk Douglas chin dimple.

Will Schuester: Wha...? Huh? I get it?

Emma Pillsbury: Um... Here, let me. Hold on. There.

Will Schuester: Thanks.

Emma Pillsbury: Um, so... Uh, when did... when did this start to happen?

Will Schuester: A week ago.

Rachel Berry: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Will Schuester: Great news, guys. Just got the competition bracket for sectionals, and we are in really good shape. There's only two other teams. We beat them, we make it to regionals.

Rachel Berry: Uh, who are the other teams?

Will Schuester: Drum-roll please, Finn. School for the deaf in Dayton and someplace called Jane Addams academy.

Mercedes Jones: Jane Addams? That's a halfway house For girls just getting out of juvie.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Th-th-this is great.

Artie Abrams: People who can't hear what they're singing and criminals who don't care. It's gonna be a cakewalk. High fi...

Will Schuester: They think they've got it in the bag, so they've simply stopped trying. I've got to figure out some way to motivate them.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, well, you, um, you could... Oh, what about a sticker board? That's how my parents Got me to do chores when I was a kid. Right, so I'd do a chore and then I'd get a star, and then...

Sue Sylvester: Oh, dear god, please, please... Stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of our asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further. You know what this is? It's a list of my cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random and I kick them out.

Will Schuester: Yeah, well, in glee club we do things a little bit differently.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, yeah, Will? How's that working out for you? You have to remember something. We're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly. So if you want results with a kid, You find that competitive animal within and unleash it. Okay. Ellen, that blouse is just insane.

Emma Pillsbury: I can't believe she's allowed to teach at this school.

Will Schuester: You know... she may have a point.

Will Schuester: Competition. Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better.

Kurt Hummel: I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.

Will Schuester: Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want to get through sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side. Let's go, come on. All right. Kurt. Here's the deal. Two teams-- boys versus girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash-up of your choice.

Noah Puckerman: What's a mash-up?

Will Schuester: A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression. Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay, costumes, choreography. Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for sectionals.

Rachel Berry: Wait, who's going to be the judge? Your gender makes you biased.

Will Schuester: Ah... There is going to be A celebrity judge.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh-who?

Will Schuester: Oh, you're going to have to show up to find out.

Mercedes Jones: We got this in the bag.

Rachel Berry: Totally. I'm going to start story-boarding our choreography tonight.

Will Schuester: Hey, I hope you guys are up for this competition. The girls look pretty pumped.

Artie Abrams: We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.

Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, you all right? You seem a little out of it.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I'm just a little worn out.

Noah Puckerman: come on, dude. We're late for football practice.

Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn when I tried making a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at cheerios practice-- disaster. It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg: a quiver. That quiver will lose us nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.

Sue Sylvester: Feeling all right, Quinn?

Quinn Fabray: I'm just really tired from glee club.

Sue Sylvester: Glee club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating, mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything only to be shanghaied by the the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's will schuester. What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? The store-bought home perm? You know, Journal, I noticed something yesterday.

Emma Pillsbury: ...chin dimple.

Sue Sylvester: Of course, it's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I'll just have to destroy the man.

Sue Sylvester: Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa In a hickory farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you.

Terri Schuester: What?! With who?

Sue Sylvester: Guidance counselor. Real floozy and a man-eater. Wears creepy brooches like the kind my nana was buried in. More tea.

Terri Schuester: Oh, sorry.

Sue Sylvester: It's the same old song. Wife puts on a couple extra pounds...

Terri Schuester: Oh, I'm pregnant.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, that's no excuse. I've always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me-- never wanted kids. Don't have the time, don't have the uterus.

Terri Schuester: Are you sure about this?

Sue Sylvester: A woman always knows. Let me put it to you this way-- If it's not a full-blown affair, Well, it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through The haze of lust that surrounds them.

Terri Schuester: Oh, god, what am I going to do?!

Sue Sylvester: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.

Terri Schuester: Now you're absolutely sure about this? I mean, you have proof?

Sue Sylvester: Get into that school and sniff out those sex pheromones for yourself. We happen to have an opening. Our school nurse, Mrs. Lancaster, is in a coma. Oh, she took a terrible tumble down the stairwell yesterday.

Terri Schuester: But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets n' Things.

Sue Sylvester: I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the panama canal zone. But I managed to get a passport. I've run for office twice. My advice to you, if you want to keep your husband... get creative.

Principal Figgins: Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest in the nursing position. But your previous experience is limited to folding hand towels.

Terri Schuester: As assistant manager at Sheets n' Things, I've had first aid training. Mm-hmm. I've also used a defibrillator.

Principal Figgins: Hmm.

Emma Pillsbury: So what did you want to talk to me about?

Will Schuester: Oh, good news. I figured out a way to get the kids motivated. They're going to compete against each other In a glee-off.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh.

Will Schuester: And guess who the celebrity judge is going to be? You.

Emma Pillsbury: Me?

Will Schuester: You are the most honest and impartial person I know.

Terri Schuester: Well, isn't this a surprise.

Will Schuester: Terri, wh-what are you doing here?

Terri Schuester: Hi. I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Terri schuester, will's pregnant wife.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Terri Schuester: Oh, honey, Someone got a little lipstick on your cup.

Emma Pillsbury: No, no. Oh.

Terri Schuester: I got it.

Will Schuester: Um, is everything okay, Terri? You-you never visit me at work.

Terri Schuester: Oh, I'm not visiting. No. You've been so stressed about our finances lately, that I thought I would pitch in by getting a second job. I'm the new school nurse.

Will Schuester: But you're not a nurse. You don't have any training.

Terri Schuester: Oh, please, Will. It's a public school. Isn't this going to be great? This means I am gonna be around all the time now.

Ken Tanaka: Know your routes. Now that is the key to this play, gentlemen. The receivers run the fly route down-field and then block as the play develops, okay? Know your assignments. It's not...

Finn Hudson: I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time. I can't keep my eyes open.

Ken Tanaka: That's your only job is to know your assignments.

Will Schuester: No sharps and no flats.

Finn Hudson: I know how lucky I am. Captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She's hot, popular, and she's carrying my baby and all, but I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out in a swim-fan kind of way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking... If you're not into boobs. My body's a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day, and I have to rub bio-freeze on my shins a couple times a day-- growing pains. It smells pretty bad, but I mask it with drakkar noir. Being a guy my age is tough. Between glee and football and school and being popular, I'm just kind of overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me, and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin, so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is last night I got vaporized on level two. Level two. And I didn't even have the energy to care.

Kurt Hummel: He's drooling.

Noah Puckerman: Dude, wake up.

Finn Hudson: Sure, yeah, that sounds good.

Noah Puckerman: I said we can't let those girls beat us.

Finn Hudson: Sorry. Sometimes when I'm thinking real hard, it helps to close my eyes.

Artie Abrams: We're doing a mash-up of "It's My Life" and usher's "Confessions."

Noah Puckerman: we should get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece.

Artie Abrams: Puck, with respect, You're more helpful when you don't contribute.

Noah Puckerman: Dude. What's wrong with you? Go see the nurse. Every day I say I have a headache. I sleep for three hours. I haven't attended a math class in two years.

Finn Hudson: Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work.

Rachel Berry: Okay, girls, we need to get started.

Santana Lopez: We're getting warmed up.

Rachel Berry: Where's Quinn?

Brittany S. Pierce: Probably down at the mall looking for elastic-waist pants.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. We can't get complacent.

Mercedes Jones: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We're gonna do a mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine."

Rachel Berry: That was my idea.

Mercedes Jones: Whatever. Come on. We can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes Are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it.

Rachel Berry: We can't just wing it.

Mercedes Jones: All those in favor of winging it? All those opposed? Looks like the ayes have it.

Terri Schuester: Hi. How can I help you?

Finn Hudson: Hey, Mrs. Shuester.

Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.

Finn Hudson: I'm Finn Hudson I'm in glee with your husband.

Terri Schuester: Oh, hi, Finn. Oh, wait a minute. Are you the one who's dating Quinn Fabray?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Why?

Terri Schuester: Oh, you have really good bone structure.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, um, I've been really tired lately, and I was wondering if I could lie down in here for a while.

Terri Schuester: Why don't you have a seat? Why don't you tell me a little bit about your sleep habits? What time do you go to bed?

Finn Hudson: Um, I don't know. Usually, after skinemax starts playing regular movies again. And I'm normally tired, but lately I can't just fall asleep. It's like my brain won't shut up.

Terri Schuester: Well, what are you thinking about? Oh, you can be honest with me. There's a code of silence in my office.

Finn Hudson: Okay, uh, football plays...

Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.

Finn Hudson: ...um, girls, Dance steps... Girls.

Terri Schuester: Girls? But you're dating Quinn fabray.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, but... Do you think a guy can be into two girls at once?

Terri Schuester: No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy.

Finn Hudson: So can I take my nap now?

Terri Schuester: Do you want to sleep through your life, Finn?

Finn Hudson: No, but I read once that teenagers need more sleep than infants.

Terri Schuester: When I was in high school, I captained the cheerleading squad, I kept a perfect 4.0 GPA, I cultivated my popularity, and I maintained a loving relationship with the boy who would become my husband. Wow. I don't even know how I did that. Wait a minute. Yes, I do. Pseudo-ephedrine It's the stuff they put in decongestants to make them non-drowsy. It's kind of like a... Well, like a vitamin. I would pop two of these blue meanies every morning and then I would be a firecracker For the rest of the day.

Finn Hudson: Are they safe?

Terri Schuester: They're over- the-counter. They stock them next to the candy bars. Sweetie, I'm the school nurse. I know what I'm doing.

Finn Hudson: Hey, guys, how's it going? God, it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I can't wait to do the number. I'm ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let's get this joint jumping.

Artie Abrams: Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?

Finn Hudson: No, just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin. I feel fantastic. I can't wait to do the number. Let's do the number, and then afterwards, we can build a house for habitat for humanity.

Noah Puckerman: What kind of vitamin?

Kurt Hummel: Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion.

Finn Hudson: Vitamin D. and I got you guys some.

Finn Hudson: # this ain't a song for the brokenhearted #
# no silent prayer for the faith departed #
# and I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd #
# you're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud #
# it's my life #
# it's now or never #
# I ain't gonna live forever #
# I just want to live while I'm alive #
# it's my life #

New Directions: # these are my confessions #

Artie Abrams: # and just when I thought I said all I could say #
# my chick on the side said she got one on the way #

New Directions: # these are my confessions #

Artie Abrams: # if I'm gonna tell it, then I gotta tell it all #
# damn near cried when I got that phone call #
# I'm so thrown #
# I don't know what to do #
# but to give part two of my... #

Finn Hudson: # better stand tall when they're calling you out #

New Directions: # don't bend, don't break #
# baby, don't back down #
# these are my confessions #

Finn Hudson: # it's now or never #
# I ain't gonna live forever #

New Directions: # these are my confessions #

Finn Hudson: # I just want to live while I'm alive #

New Directions: # it's my life #
# just when I thought I said all I can say #
# my chick on the side said she got one on the way #
# these are my confessions #

Finn Hudson: # I just want to live while I'm alive #

New Directions: # it's my life. #

Will Schuester: Awesome, guys. Geez, I didn't know you had it in you. It's like somebody slipped something in your juice boxes. Whoo! You ladies better bring it tomorrow. Otherwise, We've got our opening number for sectionals! Okay!

Rachel Berry: Haven't seen you at glee rehearsals.

Quinn Fabray: I'm not superwoman. I know glee is your whole life, but I have the cheerios, I'm on honor roll, I have friends.

Rachel Berry: You don't have to be embarrassed. No one at glee is gonna judge you. Look, I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you.

Quinn Fabray: Why not? I've been awful to you.

Rachel Berry: That was before you knew what it felt like to be me; An outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate.

Quinn Fabray: How can you relate to what I'm going through?

Rachel Berry: You don't think people whisper about me In the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?

Quinn Fabray: That was me, Actually.

Rachel Berry: Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a couple of months, that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls. It's fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You're actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because You lack my years of training.

Quinn Fabray: I would have tortured you If the roles were reversed, you know?

Rachel Berry: I know.

Terri Schuester: Hi. It's Terri.

Howard Bamboo: Hi, Terri this is Howard bamboo.

Terri Schuester: Yeah, I know that, Howard Okay, you know how I'm moonlighting as a nurse? Well, I need a favor.

Howard Bamboo: O-okay.

Terri Schuester: Go to the drugstore and get me a couple of boxes of decongestant. I'm running low, and I want the children at McKinley to be healthy and happy.

Howard Bamboo: Uh, h-how many boxes?

Terri Schuester: Um... Thirty-six.

Ken Tanaka: Hey, Terri.

Terri Schuester: Oh, hi, Ken. What's up?

Ken Tanaka: Can we talk frank?

Terri Schuester: Uh...

Ken Tanaka: Listen... We have a problem. I think my girlfriend is in love with your husband. And I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling was mutual.

Terri Schuester: How long has this been going on?

Ken Tanaka: I don't know. A couple months. I see them together all the time laughing, talking... All the stuff she never does with me.

Terri Schuester: You know, I knew something was up. She couldn't keep her eyes off him at those acafella clown shows.

Ken Tanaka: Listen, has will ever mentioned it to you?

Terri Schuester: Oh, no, but he's too smart for that. I mean, just barely, but still. Oh, Ken, I got to be honest with you. I only took this job So that I could keep an eye on him. We've got to put a stop to this so that I can get out of here. See, I'm not built to work five days a week.

Ken Tanaka: Well, I've been thinking Maybe that if you and I started seeing each other on the side, It might kind of cancel their thing out.

Terri Schuester: Are you two still having sex? Because, you know, when that stops, something is up.

Ken Tanaka: We actually haven't, um... had sex yet. She doesn't like to be touched. By me.

Terri Schuester: Oh.

Ken Tanaka: God, I love her so much.

Terri Schuester: Oh, uh... Okay. It's okay. There, there.

Ken Tanaka: Look at the two of us. You pregnant, and me with psoriasis.

Terri Schuester: Oh.

Ken Tanaka: And one testicle that won't descend. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.

Terri Schuester: Okay, that's enough. You know what? You got to stop being such a baby. I cannot fix this unless you are willing to man up.

Ken Tanaka: Okay. I'm sorry.

Terri Schuester: Here's what you're going to do. You're going straight to the nearest department store to buy her an engagement ring. Then you're going to get down on one knee and you're going to ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you.

Ken Tanaka: No. I can't do that. What if she says no? It might kill me.

Terri Schuester: Take two of these. Then nothing can stop you.

Rachel Berry: I told you guys.

Santana Lopez: We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour.

Quinn Fabray: Were they really that good?

Rachel Berry: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals and once again, I will be humiliated.

Mercedes Jones: How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good.

Tina Cohen-Chang: How did they d-d-do it?

Kurt Hummel: The real question is, "what were they on?" Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers. We all took something.

Finn Hudson: My man, got next week's plays all worked out. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Schue, got that paper on bariloche, Argentina on your desk.

Will Schuester: But it's not due for two weeks.

Finn Hudson: Damn straight. I am in the zone.

Rachel Berry: Cheater.

Finn Hudson: I don't know what you're talking about.

Rachel Berry: You took performance enhancers before your mash-up. Kurt told me. It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's just plain wrong. It's also cheating. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start calling you f-rod.

Finn Hudson: Hey, hey, back off. I'm nothing like a-rod, okay? I'd never take steroids. They make your junk fall off. Listen, Rachel, you don't know what it's like for me, The kind of pressure I'm under.

Rachel Berry: Oh, we all have pressures, but you know how I deal with it? The natural way, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine. I'm up at 6:00 am every day. I have my protein shake with banana and flaxseedflax-seed I'm on the elliptical. You know how I motivate myself? Not with anything artificial. I set a goal and I won't rest until I reach it.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, well, that's personal pressure. If you don't meet your goal, you're the only one who loses. I have to be the quarterback, the male lead, and deal with a pregnant girlfriend who yells at me about ice cream, So, yeah, maybe I helped me and my teammates out a little bit, but it's only because I'm sick and tired of working so hard and still losing.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, but winning by cheating isn't winning.

Finn Hudson: Oh, don't give me that. The only reason you're so pissed about this Is 'cause you know you can't compete with us.

Rachel Berry: Oh, I am offended by that accusation. We haven't performed yet, but if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular.

Finn Hudson: Still isn't going to be as good. We're gonna win. You're gonna lose. Deal with it.

Terri Schuester: Everyone gets a dose. Oh, except for Quinn. You get folic acid. Mama. It's good for the baby. Get the lead out, Howard We have patients waiting.

Rachel Berry: Are you sure we should be doing this?

Terri Schuester: Oh, it's over-the- counter. It's safe. You can trust me. I'm a nurse. It's good for you.

Will Schuester: What's up with Ken?

Terri Schuester: Doesn't he have a healthy glow? I put him on a new vitamin regimen.

Will Schuester: Is that safe? I mean, you're not really a nurse, Terri.

Terri Schuester: Don't start criticizing my work, Will. Not when I'm just getting my sea legs. Isn't this nice? I mean, when is the last time we got to have lunch together on a weekday? Hmm. Oh, honey, you have a little mustard. Just...

Will Schuester: Geez, Terri This is my workplace.

Terri Schuester: I'm sorry, honey. It's just that my hormones are going really crazy for you.

Will Schuester: Hey, look, look. You being here is not good for our marriage.

Terri Schuester: Spending time together is not good for our marriage?

Will Schuester: Not every minute. There's no separation. I mean, we used to come home every night and talk about our day. Now we have nothing to say to each other.

Terri Schuester: A lot of ants on the sidewalk today.

Will Schuester: Pretty late in the season for that.

Terri Schuester: I think this is just forcing us to expand our intellectual horizons. Where are you going?

Will Schuester: The bathroom.

Terri Schuester: I'll come with you.

Will Schuester: No! I love you, but I need my space.

Terri Schuester: Mmm. Now's your chance, Ken.

Ken Tanaka: What, here? Now?

Emma Pillsbury: Hi, Emma hi, Ken. What are you doing?

Ken Tanaka: Look, Emma, I know our relationship hasn't been perfect-- you won't ride in my car, I can't touch you above the wrist. Remember, you cried for an hour that one time my elbow accidentally brushed by your breast? But I think about you all day long. I kiss that picture of us at the state fair every night Before I go to sleep.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. This isn't happening. This is a dream.

Ken Tanaka: Emma Pillsbury, this is not an engagement ring.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, thank goodness.

Ken Tanaka: No, I mean it is. But it's more than that. It's a promise. Look, Emma, I know you have this thing about being clean. Now, I can't promise to pick up my underwear or squeegee the shower door, but I can promise to keep your life clean of sadness and loneliness and any other dark clouds that might float into it. It's cubic zirconia. I know how affected you were by black diamond. Emma Pillsbury, Eminem... Will you marry me?

Rachel Berry: Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens, We have chosen a selection of songs that speaks To the nation as a whole during these troubling times Filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe. Because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism. Also angels. Okay.
# oh... #
# remember those walls I built? #
# well, baby, they're tumbling down #
# they didn't even put up a fight #
# they didn't even make a sound #
# it's like I've been awakened #
# every rule I had you breakin' #
# it's the risk that I'm takin' #
# I am never gonna shut you out #

New Directions: # everywhere I'm looking now #
# I'm surrounded by your embrace #
# baby, I can feel your halo #
# and don't it feel good #
# I can feel your halo #
# halo #

Mercedes Jones: # halo #

New Directions: # I can see your halo, halo #

Mercedes Jones: # halo #

New Directions: # I can see your halo #

Mercedes Jones: # halo #

New Directions: # I can see your halo #
# and don't it feel good #
# I used to think maybe you loved me #
# now, baby, I'm sure #
# and I just can't wait #
# till the day when you knock on my door #
# oh, now, now #
# I'm walking on sunshine #
# whoa #
# I'm walking on sunshine #
# whoa #
# and don't it feel good #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# all right now #
# oh... Hey #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# oh, yeah... #
# I can see your #
# I can feel your halo #
# hey #
# halo #
# halo #
# I can feel your halo, halo #
# hey, halo #
# I can see your halo, halo #

Rachel Berry: # I can see your halo #
# halo. #

Will Schuester: Ladies, I-I don't even know what to say. You did such a good job. I don't know what you guys did, but whatever it was, keep doing it. Our celebrity judge has her work cut out for her. Hey, great job, guys. Okay! All right. Whoo! Ha! Hey, Emma, um... Can you walk with me?

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: I think your, uh... I think your plan worked.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Emma Pillsbury: Instilling a sense of good, clean competition in these kids, I think, um... I think you really motivated them.

Will Schuester: Well, actually, I consider you a co-conspirator. We came up with the idea together. So... Is it true about Ken asking to marry you?

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Will Schuester: What are you going to do?

Emma Pillsbury: I don't know. Can you, um... Can you think of any other options I might have?

Will Schuester: Is... Is that a reason to marry someone?

Emma Pillsbury: That's not what I'm asking.

Terri Schuester: Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: Terri. Um, how are you? What can I, uh... What can I... do for you?

Terri Schuester: I just wanted to cut to the chase. Things have been a little awkward since I started working here. I just wanted to clear the air.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh. That's, um... That's actually really nice. Why don't you just...

Terri Schuester: You have no chance with my husband. Do I make myself clear? Oh, you might think there's some kind of competition going on between you and i, but that's like saying That a nail is competing with a hammer.

Emma Pillsbury: Terri, Will is a good man.

Terri Schuester: Uh-huh.

Emma Pillsbury: He's kind and he's generous... And he deserves a lot better than you.

Terri Schuester: Emma, Will is my husband. Look at you. You are so superior because you're nice to a man that you see for an hour or two a day. You're just an innocent Little dove. Hmm? You're so innocent that you would steal a man away from his pregnant wife. Yeah. Do yourself a favor, honey. Marry Ken Tanaka. Oh, sure, he's dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities Is gonna open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases, but he's kind and he's generous. And he's available.

Quinn Fabray: Mrs. Schuester.

Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm?

Quinn Fabray: I need to talk to you... about the baby.

Terri Schuester: Is everything okay? Wait, you're not having it right now, are you?

Quinn Fabray: What? No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?

Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm.

Quinn Fabray: I've been thinking about your offer.

Terri Schuester: Yeah?

Quinn Fabray: I like my life. I like being a cheerleader. And I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I really like being in glee club. I have all of these great things in my life, and it already feels like too much. I can't raise a baby.

Terri Schuester: You know, honestly, I don't even know how you kids do it nowadays. I didn't have it this bad when I was your age. There weren't as many TV channels either, though. Is Finn okay with this? 'Cause, you know, I don't want any baby daddy drama When you hand it over to me.

Quinn Fabray: He's the reason I'm doing this. He's such a good guy, and he internalizes all this pressure. He's gonna have a heart attack. I never want Mr. Schuester to find out about this, though. I don't want to hurt him, either.

Terri Schuester: Well, your secret's safe with me. I have a lot more to lose.

Quinn Fabray: One more thing. You know how you gave me those vitamins for the baby?

Terri Schuester: Mm-hmm.

Quinn Fabray: I really appreciated that, but I'm gonna have all these doctor's bills, and I'm gonna need some new maternity clothes.

Terri Schuester: You want money from me?

Quinn Fabray: It's gonna be your baby.

Terri Schuester: Which means I'm gonna be paying the bills for 18 years. I think you can handle nine months. Look, you're making the right call here, Quinn. It's what's best for everybody.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Ken Tanaka: Hi.

Emma Pillsbury: Um, I can't... I can't stay long in this room because of the germs, you know, and because of the odor. But I have a question.

Ken Tanaka: Anything for you, Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: So what would, um... What would getting married mean exactly? Because I would want to keep my last name. And I'd want to continue living in different parts of town, And, um, I think it would be best If we didn't see each other after school.

Ken Tanaka: Sure.

Emma Pillsbury: And I wouldn't want a big ceremony, you know, like in a church with people. We wouldn't have to invite anybody, you know, or tell anybody, actually. It could be more like a secret, you know, Like a secret marriage.

Ken Tanaka: That's actually a better deal than I expected.

Emma Pillsbury: You're a really good man, Ken. And I don't want to spend The rest of my life alone, and I know that you don't either.

Ken Tanaka: So... Is that a yes?

Finn Hudson: What's up, a-rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so energetic.

Rachel Berry: We were just taking a lesson from major league baseball. It's not cheating if everyone's doing it. We were just leveling out the playing field.

Finn Hudson: You really believe that?

Rachel Berry: No. I feel terrible. Even if we win, it's not gonna be satisfying.

Finn Hudson: I know. I don't even remember performing. What do you think we should do?

Rachel Berry: I think... the only way to make things right Is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win.

Finn Hudson: Cool.

Rachel Berry: I'm sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable.

Finn Hudson: Ah, that's all right. I didn't even know what those words meant.

Rachel Berry: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.

Will Schuester: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students?

Terri Schuester: I'll say it again. They're over-the-counter, FDA-approved. And if I didn't give it to them, I'm sure the kids Would just find a way to get it for themselves.

Will Schuester: No, no, they wouldn't. These are good kids.

Terri Schuester: Nothing bad happened.

Principal Figgins: Howard bamboo got arrested.

Terri Schuester: Well, that.

Will Schuester: Wait. What?

Principal Figgins: Pseudo-ephedrine is an ingredient In the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.

Terri Schuester: I never told Howard to get them all in one place.

Will Schuester: Okay, enough, Terri How are we supposed to raise a baby When I can't trust you to look after A group of teenagers? You are oblivious to consequences.

Terri Schuester: I was only trying to help you, Will.

Will Schuester: Don't! Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.

Principal Figgins: I have serious concerns About your judgment, Mrs. Schuester. I must ask you to resign as school nurse.

Terri Schuester: Fine. I was working too hard anyway.

Principal Figgins: Hold onto your horses, shue. I have to question your judgment in the matter as well.

Will Schuester: What? I had no idea this was even going on.

Principal Figgins: Exactly. The children rely on you to create the culture. And you, with your obsession with winning and-and competition, has fostered an unsafe environment. I'm bringing in someone else to co-chair the glee club. Someone with a track record of responsibility and excellence.

Finn Hudson: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.

Rachel Berry: We didn't mean to get you into trouble.

Will Schuester: I'm really disappointed in you guys. Glee is supposed to be about what's inside your heart, not what's coursing through your veins.

Rachel Berry: We know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say That we'd be happy to move forward and put this episode behind us.

Will Schuester: Well, it's not that simple. Because of this debacle, it's been decided That I'm no longer fit to run glee club myself. We've been assigned A co-director.

Rachel Berry: Who?

Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids. I got to tell you, I'm just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little, uh, showbiz cruise. Ah, I can't wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the ritz a little bit.

Emma Pillsbury: Will? I wanted you to, um, to hear this from me. You know Ken, um, asked me to marry him. I said yes.

Will Schuester: That's... That's great.

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week: Quinn's pregnant and Puck's the father, but Quinn's decided to give the baby to Terri, who's not pregnant, just pretending to be. It was her sister Kendra's idea.

Kendra Giardi: We're gonna have to get you a baby.

Ian Brennan: Also, Ken proposed to Emma, and she said...

Emma Pillsbury: Yes.

Ian Brennan: Oh, and Sue got Figgins to make her co-director of the glee club.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on Glee.

Will Schuester: How did this happen? I look like a crazy person. That's not me. Wow, I didn't know the vein on my neck could stick out like that. We've been going at it for a week-- ever since the decongestant incident when Figgins brought Sue in to co-run the glee club. I'm so ashamed of myself. She's turned me into her.

Sue Sylvester: Look at me. Even in the heat of battle I'm so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior. God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will.

Will Schuester: Shut up, Sue. Look at us: We're even fighting in our voiceovers. I guess things really started to fall apart a couple of days ago, right after Figgins called us into his office for a sit-down...

Principal Figgins: Sue, Schue, I called you here to get the temperature of the glee club.

Will Schuester: Great.

Principal Figgins: I wanted to get a progress report on how you're working together as co-directors.

Sue Sylvester: Well, in my opinion...

Will Schuester: Well, I think...

Sue Sylvester: No, go ahead.

Will Schuester: No, you.

Sue Sylvester: Okay.

Will Schuester: Please.

Sue Sylvester: Principal Figgins, uh... things couldn't be going more smoothly.

Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.

Principal Figgins: I don't want to hear any reports of either of you trying to curry favor from the children. Am I clear?

Will Schuester: Absolutely.

Will Schuester: As we head into sectionals, I want to get some feedback, like what kind of stuff you guys would like to be doing. Is there anything, any music in particular, that you guys want to do?

Mercedes Jones: Could we maybe try something a little more... black?

Kurt Hummel: I agree. We do an awful lot of show tunes.

Rachel Berry: It's glee club. Not krunk club.

Mercedes Jones: Don't make me take you to the carpet.

Will Schuester: Fantastic. Thank you, Mercedes, Kurt. Duly noted. Anything else?

Mike Chang: I can pop and lock.

Will Schuester: Not really what we're going for, Mike, but... noted. Noted, yes.

Principal Figgins: And no pitting the kids against one another.

Sue Sylvester: Never.

Sue Sylvester: I want to pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.

Quinn Fabray: The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.

Sue Sylvester: Hmm, a chink in the armor , huh? I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.

Principal Figgins: Sectionals is coming up. What are your co-director plans?

Will Schuester: Oh, we were actually... uh, we're each going to direct our own number.

Sue Sylvester: And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first. It'll be very civilized, very sportsman-like, so...

Will Schuester: Mm. Yeah.

Principal Figgins: This arrangement is pleasing to all.

Sue Sylvester: Isn't it?

Will Schuester: It's great.

Principal Figgins: Now... let's hug it out.

Will Schuester: I'd rather not do that.

Sue Sylvester: I really don't see that happening.

Principal Figgins: This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching. It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.

Will Schuester: I will destroy you.

Sue Sylvester: I'm about to vomit down your back.

Will Schuester: It's on.

Quinn Fabray: I'm freaking out.

Finn Hudson: Everything is going to be fine.

Dr. Chin: Relax. At your age, there's very little chance of anything being wrong.

Finn Hudson: Awesome.

Dr. Chin: Okay, this is going to be a little cool to the touch.

Quinn Fabray: Can you just be careful with my uniform?

Dr. Chin: All right. Speaking of your ages, have you two given any thought to what you're going to do after the baby is born?

Finn Hudson: Whatever Quinn wants is fine.

Dr. Chin: Well, if it makes a difference, it's a girl.

Finn Hudson: Baby's fine. No mutations or anything. Not even any cool ones. Thanks for taking us today. I was too freaked out to drive.

Will Schuester: Yeah, no problem. Hey. You doing all right?

Finn Hudson: Um, no. I mean, how am I supposed to take care of a real person? My mom won't even let me have fish.

Will Schuester: I-I thought Quinn wanted to give the baby up for adoption.

Finn Hudson: For now, but we both know that's not my call. It sucks. Get all the stress and worry and none of the control. It's cool, Mr. Schue. You wouldn't understand.

Jacob Ben Israel: The independent polling company in my dockers has determined you're the hottest girl in this school.

Rachel Berry: Ew.

Jacob Ben Israel: Have you been reading my blog?

Rachel Berry: Of course not. You're a gossip monger and your blog is nothing but trash and lies, many of them about me.

Jacob Ben Israel: Well, you'll be happy to know the one I'm working on right now has nothing to do with you or your rumored lust for jewfros. It's about Quinn Fabray. Word on the street is that she's in trouble.

Rachel Berry: Where did you hear that?

Jacob Ben Israel: Are you denying it?

Rachel Berry: Yes.

Jacob Ben Israel: Because the sae birdi told me you're heartbroken Finn Hudson didn't choose you to carry his litter.

Rachel Berry: What is it going to take for you to not run the story?

Sue Sylvester: Lady's choice. Heads.

Sue Sylvester: Trickster's trick store? This is Sue Sylvester. You got any of these double-headed coins?

Will Schuester: Heads.

Sue Sylvester: Awesome. All right, the following students have been selected for a special, elite glee club called Sue's kids.

Will Schuester: Hold on. We agreed not to split up the group.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, come on, Will. Give me a chance to do things Sue Sylvester's way. Maybe with my proven leadership abilities, I can help this pathetic group of mouth breathers place at sectionals.

Will Schuester: We can't even compete in sectionals if we divide up the club, Sue. It's against the rules.

Sue Sylvester: Really? You need to crack open a book, William. Here, I have. Show choir rule book, page 24. Provision 14, second addendum. Twelve members must perform for each team. However, not allembers must perform every song.

Will Schuester: Fine. Just go ahead, take all the football players and your cheerios.

Sue Sylvester: All right, everybody, listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing.

Will Schuester: That's called a piano, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Santana. Wheels. Gay kid. Come on. Move it. Asian, other Asian, Aretha, and shaft. See, Will, I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students.

Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will, and maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter.

Santana Lopez: And that's how Sue sees it.

Sue Sylvester: Outstanding.

Kendra Giardi: I wanted to remind you to tell that Quinn girl not to vaccinate in the hospital. I'm pretty sure those shots made my kids stupid.

Terri Schuester: Oh, I guess I could use the vaccination money to buy the organic crib mattress. I mean, what are the ances of the baby getting polio, right?

Will Schuester: Bye, Kendra.

Kendra Giardi: I hate you, Will!

Terri Schuester: That was rude. Don't take the stress of your workday out on me.

Will Schuester: I don't want to take it out on you, Terri. I just don't want to feel as powerless in my own home as I do at school. And I have to come home and listen to you making major decisions about our son with your sister. I haven't en felt the baby kick yet, and the only time I've ever been to an ob-gyn office was when I took Quinn and Finn for the ten-week ultrasound.

Terri Schuester: You did? How's the baby?

Will Schuester: Fine. It's a girl. But that's not the point.

Terri Schuester: Well, what is the point, Will?

Will Schuester: My point is that I am the father of that baby. And I am coming with you to your next doctor's appointment.

Finn Hudson: Did you have to get him to stop?

Rachel Berry: Let's just say I feel sorry for my dads 'cause they're probably going to have dipped into my college fund to pay for intensive therapy.

Finn Hudson: Oh, hardcore.

Rachel Berry: I don't mind. I did it to protect you.

Finn Hudson: And Quinn.

Rachel Berry: Of course. We're all teammate.

Finn Hudson: Hey, I got to tell you, you really are awesome. I'm gonna make it up to you someday, I swear.

Jacob Ben Israel: I need another pair.

Rachel Berry: What's wrong with the ones I already gave you?

Jacob Ben Israel: Look. Uh, they still had the tag on them.

Rachel Berry: Put those away.

Jacob Ben Israel: I want Rachel Berry panties. Okay, I expect delivery by tomorrow morning or the story of Quinn Fabray and the stork goes wide. I feel an urge to kiss you right now. I'm just going to go for it, okay?

Rachel Berry: No, no, no. You-you-you... stop it.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm ki-kind of nervous.

Artie Abrams: I debated not even showing up.

Mercedes Jones: Well, I think it's gonna be great. Did you catch Sue's corner last night?

Sue Sylvester: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, kids, I brought some of my brass buddies with me. Thought maybe they could help us out a little bit. Okay, so I selected a song that I think will speak to the frustration you felt under the failed leadership of Will Schuester.

Mercedes Jones: "Hate on me," an R&B song?

Sue Sylvester: You like that? Changster, I want to see some of that pop-and-lock groove you're so famous for. You go to town. And you, Mercedes, I want to see some Mariah hands.

Mercedes Jones: I can do that.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I think we g-g-got this one, Miss Sylvester.

Sue Sylvester: All right, w-we'll see. Hit it!

New Directions: # Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do #

Mercedes Jones: # If I could give you the world on a silver platter #
# Would it even matter, you'd still be mad at me #
# If I could find in all this a dozen roses that I would give to you, #
# You'd still be miserable #
# 'Cause in reality I'm gonna be who I be #
# And I don't feel no faults, for all the lies that you bought #
# You can try as you may, break me down but I say #
# That it ain't up to you. Gonna do what you do. #
# Hate on me, hater now or later, #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby. #

New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #

Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #
# You can hate on me now or later #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby #

New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #

Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #
# Hate on me now or later #
# 'Cause I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad, baby #

New Directions: # Go 'head and hate #

Mercedes Jones: # Go 'head and hate on me hater, cause I'm not afraid of #
# What I got I paid for, you can hate on me. #

Will Schuester: Sue. Hey, Sylvester, I'm talking to you.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, hey, buddy. I thought I smelled failure.

Will Schuester: Why did you take the piano when it was my time up with the kids?

Sue Sylvester: A properly steam-cleaned piano is key to any successful music group.

Will Schuester: You are undermining me in front of these students.

Sue Sylvester: Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.

Will Schuester: Sue, I am not done talking to you. What about all my sheet music? My kids need that music.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Will, the last thing your kids need is chronic sinusitis from the mildew I feared was infesting that old moldy paper.

Will Schuester: Oh, so, what? You sent it away for somtesting?

Sue Sylvester: No. Burned it.

Will Schuester: Oh, that is it, Sue. This ends right here.

Sue Sylvester: A cockfight. Fantastic.

Will Schuester: No. We are here for these students so, whater problems we have with one another, we're going to get them out in the open right now.

Sue Sylvester: Okay, you want to get real? You're right, Will, I have been trying to destroy your club with a conviction I can only call religious. And you want to know why? Because I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.

Will Schuester: Oh, you are a terrible influence on these kids. I think you're dangerous and I think you teach them all the wrong lessons.

Sue Sylvester: I don't care what you think. I have a legacy to protect, William, and glee club is a part of that legacy, and I will win. And if it means I have to get you fired to do it... So be it. Those drinks are crap!

Will Schuester: Oh, thanks, honey. I want to finish grading these papers first.

Terri Schuester: What, you think the kids weren't drunk when they wrote them? Listen, honey.I've been a really crummy wife lately.

Will Schuester: Terri, you're carrying my baby. I have no right to expect anything more than that from you.

Terri Schuester: No. That is my sister's marriage and I don't want it. Anyway, listen.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Terri Schuester: I think that I might be able to help you with your problems at school.

Will Schuester: Uh, thanks, Terri, but the last time you helped out at school, it didn't go over very well. Besides, this is serious. I mean, Sue said she wouldn't rest until she saw me fired.

Terri Schuester: Well, all the more reason. You got to do whatever it takes, honey. You got to get down in the gutter if you want to win this.

Reporter: Sue, a lot of our readers at cheerleading today...

Sue Sylvester: I'm cutting you off. Is this a cover story?

Reporter: Yes.

Sue Sylvester: Okay. This is all your readers need to know. I'm all about empowerment. I empower my cheerio to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror. Speaking of which... Q, here, now! Where are my cheerios?

Quinn Fabray: Coach, they're not academically eligible. Mr. Schuester flunked them.

Sue Sylvester: This is a travesty of international proportions. You are jeopardizing my cheerios' role as goodwill ambassadors. And I have a call in to the president.

Will Schuester: Sue, I have in my hand a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero.

Sue Sylvester: You can't stand it. You can't stand to see a woman in a position of power.

Will Schuester: That has nothing...

Sue Sylvester: Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating, Will, if it weren't so terrifying!

Principal Figgins: Sue. Will did a little research, and according to our test records, most of your cheerleaders are functionally illiterate.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, so what?

Principal Figgins: Why, only last Friday at the football game, they tried to spell out "go, te" and they spelled out... to game.

Will Schuester: To game. Since 1992, 95 percent of your cheerios should have flunked Spanish, and I, for one, am not going to be a part of it anymore.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, Will, we all know about your devotion to that dying language.

Will Schuester: Dying language?

Sue Sylvester: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my cheerios to be champions. Do they go on to college? I don't know. I don't care.

Will Schuester: See...

Sue Sylvester: Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they want to become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round-off.

Will Schuester: She is deranged! You know what? This all happened on your watch. You have allowed this to go on for years.

Sue Sylvester: Say something!

Principal Figgins: Oh, ple... Oh, okay. Sue, Will is correct. You're wrong.

Sue Sylvester: What?

Will Schuester: Thank you.

Principal Figgins: From now on, no free passes. That's it! There!

Will Schuester: See you in glee club, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Don't... touch me. That is a lawsuit, mister. I will sue your ass! What happened to our little agreement, huh? Will I be uploading a certain video to YouTube this afternoon?

Principal Figgins: Anti-embolism stockings can be purchased... Oh, Sue. I put it on YouTube myself. And it only got two hits. Let me break it down for you. Nobody cares! No! Not the children!

Sue Sylvester: Move! Move!

Quinn Fabray: What is this?

Finn Hudson: Check it out. I came up with a name that I think would be good for the kid.

Will Schuester: Eyes on your own test, Finn. What's up now, Ronnie?

Finn Hudson: Anyway, then I read that Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple, and I think that's so cool 'cause you know how much I love apples, right? And so I figured we should name our kid something more original and poetic. Then I came up with the best baby name of all time. Drizzle!

Quinn Fabray: Drizzle?

Finn Hudson: Yeah! Yeah! 'Cause you know how awesome it is when it's just drizzling outside, but it's not really raining, so it smells like rain, but you don't need an umbrella to go outside.

Quinn Fabray: Are you a moron?

Finn Hudson: What?

Quinn Fabray: We're not naming our baby Drizzle. We're not naming our baby anything. Finish your test, Finn. Will you give me my test back?

Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't understand anything.

Quinn Fabray: That's not my problem.

Quinn Fabray: You are so insensitive. Bringing up baby names to me when you know I don't want to keep it. I can't keep it.

Finn Hudson: I know, but I don't get what you expect me to do about it.

Quinn Fabray: Not have an opinion.

Finn Hudson: Hey, this is happening to me, too.

Quinn Fabray: No, it's not. You're not the one whose parents will burn her like a witch if they find out.

Finn Hudson: You know, sometimes I wish you were a little more like Rachel.

Quinn Fabray: Really?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. She cares about my feelings. She sticks up for me. She sticks up for both of us. You know that she gave that Jacob kid a pair of her underpants just to keep him from posting on his blog about you being pregnant?

Quinn Fabray: You think she did that for me? Just to be a good teammate?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. That's what she told me.

Quinn Fabray: I know some guys cheat on their wives or pregnant girlfriends. Just don't do it with her.

New Directions: # Whoo! #
# Hey, oh, Hey Oh! #
# Where they at where they at, #
# Where they at, where they at? #
# Where they at, where they at? #
# Where they at? #
# Come on #
# If you wanna go and take a ride wit me #
# We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's #
# Oh why do I live this way? #
# Hey, must be the money! #
# In the club on the late night, feelin right #
# Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice #
# Lookin for a little shorty I noticed #
# So that I can take home #
# I can take home #
# She can be 18 #
# 18 #
# Wit an attitude #
# Or 19 kinda snotty, actin real rude #
# But as long as you a thicky thicky thick #
# Girl you know that it's on #
# Know that it's on #
# I peep something comin towards me up the dance floor #
# Sexy and real slow #
# Hey #
# Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video #
# So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no? #
# Her measurements were 36-25-34 #
# I like the way you brush your hair #
# And I like those stylish clothes you wear #
# I like the way the light hit the ice and glare #
# And I can see you moving way over there #

Rachel Berry: I miss us all being together.

Artie Abrams: I hope we don't get in trouble for our covert jam session.

Kurt Hummel: If Sue catches us mingling, we're cooked. She told me if I even talked to one of Mr.Schue's kids that she would shave my head. And I just can't rock that look. I mean, even Justin Timberlake is growing his 'fro back.

Mercedes Jones: Well, we got to go, you guys. Miss Sylvester is expecting us in ten minutes in the dance studio.

Artie Abrams: Bye, white people.

Will Schuester: Hey! What are you guys doing here?

Tina Cohen-Chang: Just s-s-stopping by to say hello.

Will Schuester: Oh, it's great to see you guys. All right, great news, guys. Brought the band with me, and I think that we have our number for sectionals.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, we don't like what this has become.

Will Schuester: Don't you guys see? That is how Sue wants you to feel. Giving up doesn't help anyone but her. Look, if it were up to me we would all perform together at sectionals, but it's not up to me anymore, okay? Sue's going to do her song, and we are gonna do ours. Sue's kids are singing about hate, literally. So, I thought we would try a kinder approach. All right, Finn and Rachel, come up here; you're gonna take the leads.

Rachel Berry: Oh, I love this song! Okay, follow my lead.

Finn Hudson: Don't wait for me.

Quinn Fabray: So much for togetherness.

Will Schuester: Guys, you guys really need to practice this, all right? Night and day, between classes, it has to be letter-perfect. Okay?

Finn Hudson: You got it, Mr. S.

Rachel Berry: Of course.

Finn Hudson: Hit it.

Rachel Berry: # Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air #

New Directions: # Oh... Oh... Oh... #

Rachel Berry: # If I should die before I wake, #

New Directions: # It's 'cause you took my breath away #
# Losing you is like #
# Living in a world with no air #
# Oh #

Finn Hudson: # I'm here alone, don't wanna leave #
# My heart won't move; it's incomplete #
# Wish there was a way
# That I can make you understand #

Rachel Berry: # But how #

New Directions: # Do you expect me #
# To live alone with just me #
# 'Cause my world revolves around you #
# It's so hard for me to breathe #

Finn & Rachel: # Now #

New Directions: # Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air #

Rachel Berry: # With no air #

Finn Hudson: # No air #

New Directions: # Can't live, can't breathe with no air #

Rachel Berry: # Whoa, whoa #

Finn Hudson: # No air #

New Directions: # It's how I feel whenever you ain't there #
# It's no air, no air #

Finn Hudson: # No breathing #

Rachel Berry: # No breathing #

New Directions: # Got me out here in the water so deep #
# Tell me how you gonna be without me #
# If you ain't here, I just can't breathe #

Finn Hudson: # Can't be without you, baby #

New Directions: # It's no air, no air #

Rachel Berry: # Breathe, no air #

New Directions: # No air, air - No #
# No air, air - No #

Finn Hudson: # No, hard for me to breathe #

New Directions: # No air, air - No #
# No air, air #

Rachel Berry: # You got me out here in the water so deep #

Finn Hudson: # Tell me how you gonna be without me #

Rachel Berry: # If you ain't here, I just can't breathe #
# It's no air #

Finn & Rachel: # No air #

Will Schuester: Amazing, guys. Bull's-eye.

Quinn Fabray: Excuse me. What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?

Sue Sylvester: Say it for me again. Word for word.

Quinn Fabray: What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?

Sue Sylvester: Perfect. Then turn to the other two and say...

Quinn Fabray: I think Sue was right about him. He clearly doesn't like minorities.

Sue Sylvester: Can you imagine, in this day and age, being discriminated against? My goodness, the pain you must be feeling. So, your last name's Puckerman, huh?

Noah Puckerman: Shalom.

Sue Sylvester: Who knew? And poor, sweet Brittany. Oh, I know the Dutch are famous for being a cold people, but that's no excuse for eating you like some half-price hooker in Amsterdam's famous red light district. Well, all I can say is if you're serious about leaving Schuester, Sue Sylvester's rainbow tent will gladly protect you from his storm of racism.

Will Schuester: Hey, babe, you home? Hey, what's for dinner?

Terri Schuester: Oh... why don't you get something from takeout?

Will Schuester: Hey, listen, I don't expect you start cooking, but on nights when you're home first, I think it's appropriate for you to take care of dinner.

Terri Schuester: Wow, you're so forceful. What's gotten into you?

Will Schuester: You. You were right. I stood up to Sue, and now she is begging me for mercy. Oh, I feel great! And I have you to thank for it.

Terri Schuester: I have my moments, huh?

Will Schuester: You're going to have another one this Friday at 4:00. I made an appointment for us with Dr. Wu.

Terri Schuester: My obstetrician?

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Terri Schuester: Oh.

Will Schuester: I'm finally going to get a look at my little boy. Hey, pick whatever you want for dinner. Just not Chinese again.

Will Schuester: Who do you think you are?

Sue Sylvester: Well, now you know how it felt for me to have my cheerios snatched away.

Will Schuester: I can't do a song with three kids!

Sue Sylvester: Not with that attitude. Look, I'm prepared to cut you a deal. You pass my cheerios, and I'll give you back your team of losers and snot-faucets.

Will Schuester: Sue Sylvester, you're going to have to pry those "f"s from my cold, dead hands.

Sue Sylvester: Can't wait, pal!

Dr. Wu: My job is very stressful. After dentists, obstetricians have the highest rate of suicide among medical professionals. Caring for my bonsai relaxes me.

Terri Schuester: I had a huge crush on the karate kid when I was a teenager.

Kendra Giardi: Can we cut the crap?

Dr. Wu: I guess I'm a little curious as to what you ladies want from me. Neither of you are pregnant.

Kendra Giardi: Well, Wu, you delivered all three of my kids. Each one is dumber than the last. Plus, they all have add and although my husband nor I have red hair, they are all creepy ginger kids.

Dr. Wu: It's caused by a recessive gene.

Kendra Giardi: That's one theory. Do you wanna hear mine? You gave me too much pitocin when I was in labor, and it screwed up their dna.

Dr. Wu: That's not a theory. You just made that up. Mrs. Schuester, is your sister on some kind of new psychotropic medication?

Terri Schuester: Not that I know of.

Kendra Giardi: That's offensive.

Terri Schuester: Are you all right?

Kendra Giardi: Here's the deal, Wu. My husband does the taxes for some very powerful mid-sized law firms in this town. And I'm sure somebody would be more than happy to take on my lawsuit.

Dr. Wu: You'll never win.

Kendra Giardi: I don't have to win. There's only twobs in this town. You get even the slightest stink on you, and you can bet that a bunch of your patients will just close on up their legs . And walk on over to Dr. Chin.

Dr. Wu: Okay, this is outrageous. What do you want?

Quinn Fabray: Listen here, treasure-trail, we're about to have a smackdown.

Rachel Berry: I don't want to have a confrontation.

Quinn Fabray: Don't play stupid with me, stubbles. I'm having Finn's baby and you need to back off. I'm asking you as nicely as I possibly can. Leave him alone.

Rachel Berry: You're right. I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do, but because I had romantic ulterior motives. But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating.

Quinn Fabray: Excuse me?

Rachel Berry: I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's mole. And you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true.

Quinn Fabray: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Rachel Berry: Sue's not on your side, Quinn. She's not on anyone's side but her own. Can you imagine what she's gonna do once she finds out about your situation? She'll probably try to rip off your uniform with her bare hands. Every time you whisper in her ear, you empower her to do more damage to the glee club. And right now, glee club is all you have, and if I were you, I'd recognize who my true friends are. Oh, and I'd practice a little bit more. Because you obviously have a lot you need to express.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, you have no idea.
# Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Get out my life, why don't you, baby? #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on #

Cheerios: # Ohh ohh #

Quinn Fabray: # You don't really need me #
# But you keep me hanging on #
# Why do you keep on comin' around #
# Playing with my heart? #
# Why don't you get out of my life #
# And let me make a new start? #
# Let me get over you #
# The way you've gotten over me #
# Hey #
# Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Let me be, why don't you, baby? #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on #

Cheerios: # Ohh ohh #

Quinn Fabray: # No you don't really want me #
# You just keep me hanging on #
# You say though we broke up #
# You still wanna be just friends #
# But how can we still be friends #
# When seeing you only breaks my heart again? #
# And there ain't nothing I can do about it #

Cheerios: # Whoa whoa whoa #

Quinn Fabray: # Set me free, why don't you, baby? #
# Get out my life, why don't you, baby? #
# Go on, get out, get out of my life #
# And let me sleep at night, please #
# 'Cause you don't really love me #
# You just keep me hanging on, on, on, on... #
All right, everybody, take five.

Rachel Berry: We would just like to say that although we find ourselves on opposite sides, we hope you enjoy our number and we look forward to seeing yours...

Sue Sylvester: Get on with it! Enough with the jibba-jabba! Sing something!

Will Schuester: Sue, you can't talk to kids that way.

Rachel Berry: Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?

Sue Sylvester: All right, that's it. Come on. She had her chance. Everybody up! We're leaving.

Finn Hudson: I'm sorry. Is there a fire?

Sue Sylvester: No, and that's the point, there is no fire. You know, it's sad enough that my "Sues・kids" are living in squalor and probably on food stamps.

Mercedes Jones: My dad's a dentist.

Sue Sylvester: But for you to drag them in here and bore them to death, I won't stand for it. Come on, kids, out. We're going for conies, my treat.

Will Schuester: All right, that's it!

Sue Sylvester: Really?

Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? You've been pretty honest about your feelings for me, so let me return the favor. You're rude, Sue. You have no class, and you are a Terrible teacher!

Sue Sylvester: I'll have you know I have my PhD.

Will Schuester: You got it online, Sue!

Sue Sylvester: You are a failed performer, Will! You weren't good enough to make it in the real world. You're not even good enough to run this stupid little club that nobody cares about. Time after time, Will, you fail!

Will Schuester: You spend every waking moment of your life figuring out ways to Terrify children to try to make you feel better about yourself, and the fact that you're probably gonna spend the rest of your life alone!

Sue Sylvester: How dare you to talk to me like that!

Will Schuester: Don't you even go...

Sue Sylvester: Don't you point your...

Finn Hudson: Enough! I'm sorry Mr. Schue, Ms. Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear mom and dad fight, those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday.

Mercedes Jones: I agree. Glee club is supposed to be fun. And furthermore, I don't like this minority business. I may be a strong, proud black woman, but I'm a lot more than that. I'm out.

Tina Cohen-Chang: M-me, too.

Rachel Berry: Fellow glee clubbers, it would be an honor to show you how a real storm-out is done. I encourage you to follow my lead.

Will Schuester: Is that necessary? It's nothing I haven't seen before. I mean, I am the one who knocked her up.

Dr. Wu: Just standard operating procedure. You okay, Mr. Schuester? You seem upset.

Will Schuester: Just, just a little stressed. Bad day at work.

Terri Schuester: Will, you're about to see your child for the first time. Can you forget about those dancing delinquents for one minute?

Will Schuester: You're right. I'm sorry. Oh, my parents are gonna kill me if I don't come home with the DVD.

Dr. Wu: Got it right here.

Will Schuester: All right!

Dr. Wu: The gel. Oh!

Will Schuester: You okay?

Dr. Wu: Ooh, that must be cold.

Terri Schuester: It's really...

Dr. Wu: Sorry about that.

Terri Schuester: Yeah, it's a little cold.

Will Schuester: Wow! That's him!

Dr. Wu: Oh, hold on a sec.

Will Schuester: What? Is something wrong with him?

Dr. Wu: Well, not exactly. This is really embarrassing, but it appears as if your boy is a girl.

Will Schuester: Oh, my god! Did something happen to his... ?

Dr. Wu: No, he never had one. He's a she. Must have misread the first sonogram. Sorry about that.

Terri Schuester: Honey, I didn't know that having a boy was so important to you.

Will Schuester: It isn't. I don't care what she is. She's all ours. I'm just so... happy.

Terri Schuester: No matter whatappens, I want you to remember at this moment, that we love each other, okay?

Will Schuester: Hey, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: William, close the door.

Will Schuester: I, uh, wanted to talk to you about the auditorium.

Sue Sylvester: Good. I wanted to come to you, too, but I have no idea where your office is. Why don't you have a seat.

Will Schuester: Sure.

Sue Sylvester: So, I decided to step down as co-head of glee.

Will Schuester: Really?

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, it's not for me. It's too fruity. I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion.

Will Schuester: Yeah, it did get pretty bad in there.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, yeah. I'd still like to stay on as consigliore. You know, maybe you could show me your setlists before competitions. Just so I can feel like I'm contributing.

Will Schuester: Cool.

Sue Sylvester: You know I was a veejay for a couple of years. Not MTV, but still.

Will Schuester: Why do I feel like I'm about to fall through a trapdoor into a pit of fire?

Sue Sylvester: Because you don't trust me. I know my methods are extreme. And I know I'm not like the rest of you hippies, caring about the kids' feelings as if they're real, but I do care about teaching. And when I coach them, and they win... I win. And you know how I feel about winning.

Will Schuester: I do. Look, who's to say everything I do is 100% on the ball?

Sue Sylvester: No one would say that.

Will Schuester: Probably right. But, um, in hindsight... You were right to shine the spotlight on the fact that those kids are minorities.

Will Schuester: Because you're all minorities. You are in the glee club. Now there are only 12 of you, and all you have is each other. So it doesn't matter that Rachel is Jewish, or that Finn is...

Finn Hudson: Unable to tell my rights from my lefts.

Will Schuester: Sure. Or that Santana is Latina, or that Quinn is...

Sue Sylvester: ... Pregnant. Sorry, Q. It'll be all over the blogosphere by this afternoon. Now everybody knows. Including me.

Rachel Berry: How could you do that? Do you have any idea how much pain you caused by running that story?

Jacob Ben Israel: Sue made me do it.

Sue Sylvester: This was a particularly interesting find from today's round of locker checks. Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an "Eve" who was born a "Steve"? Because if you are, I think there's a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand.

Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel gave them to me so I wouldn't run the Quinn story.

Sue Sylvester: What Quinn story?

Jacob Ben Israel: Quinn Fabray's pregnant.

Sue Sylvester: Not a chance. If my head cheerleader was pregnant, jeopardizing the very future of my cheerios and thus my teaching tenure, I think she would have come to me. Quinn Fabray repects me, would never lie to me, never.

Jacob Ben Israel: I have three sources confirming. Please don't expel me. I'll kill the story.

Sue Sylvester: No. Run it.

Jacob Ben Israel: I'm sorry, Rachel.

Finn Hudson: It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.

Rachel Berry: # You're not alone #
# Together we stand #
# I'll be by your side, you know #
# I'll take your hand #

Finn Hudson: When it gets cold #
# And it feels like the end #
# There's no place to go #
# You know I won't give in #

New Directions: # Ah... ah... #

Finn & Rachel: # No I won't give in #

New Directions: # Ah... ah... #
# Yeah, yeah #
# Keep holding on #

Rachel Berry: # 'Cause you know we'll make it through, #

Finn & Rachel: # We'll make it through #

New Directions: # Just stay strong #

Rachel Berry: # 'Cause you know I'm here for you, #

New Directions: # I'm here for you #
# There's nothing you could say #
# Nothing you could do #
# There's no other way when it comes to the truth #
# So, keep holding on #
# 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through #

Finn & Rachel: # Hear me when I say, when I say I believe #
# Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny #
# Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly #

New Directions: # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
# La da da da #
# La da da da #
# La da da da da da da da da... #

New Directions: # Keep holding on #
# 'Cause you know we'll make it through, #
# We'll make it through #
# Keep holding on #
# Keep holding on #
# There's nothing you could say #
# Nothing you could do #
# There's no other way when it comes to the truth #
# So, keep holding on #
# 'Cause, you know, we'll make it through, #
# We'll make it through #

Mercedes Jones: My weave!

Finn Hudson: What the hell, Karofsky?

Dave Karofsky: Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade... when you made fun of me for getting pubes. Now that you've joined Lullaby Lee's and insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball... and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain? It's open season.

Quinn Fabray: Screw you, Karofsky! You and your Neanderthal puck-heads are nothing!

Finn Hudson: You're gonna pay for this, dude!

Dave Karofsky: No, I'm not. You two don't have the juice anymore. Welcome to the new world order.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys.

Ken Tanaka: We need to talk.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Ken Tanaka: As you know, even though she refuses to wear the ring and won't tell anyone... including her mother... about the engagement, Emma and I are, in fact, getting married.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes. Ken convinced me we need to at least be in the same room when the marriage is certified.

Ken Tanaka: What can I say? I'm a traditionalist. We're going to Hawaii and getting married on the beach.

Will Schuester: And you want me to come?

Emma Pillsbury: No, no, no, no. I picked Hawaii, because it's far away from everybody we know.

Will Schuester: Oh!...

Emma Pillsbury: Uh, the thing is... is that after a very brief, private ceremony... Ken has decided he would like to have a first dance.

Ken Tanaka: The problem is, we can't decide on the song.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes. I would like to have "I Could've Danced All Night."

Will Schuester: Oh, from My Fair Lady. Great choice. Such a romantic song.

Emma Pillsbury: Yes.

Ken Tanaka: Yeah, if you're making a mixed tape for the boring parade. I want the "Thong Song." I need something I can shake my moneymaker to.

Will Schuester: Um...

Emma Pillsbury: Uh, I was remembering, um, that you did those, uh... mash-up things with the Glee kids, right?

Will Schuester: Uh-huh.

Emma Pillsbury: So I thought maybe you could find a way to use both of our songs. Um, and I... well, we... both need... want... need dance lessons.

Ken Tanaka: Yeah, l... l... I mean, I might need a bit of polishing... but it's the Emster here you really have to work with. Had a monster case of athlete's foot a couple years back. Had to get all my toenails removed. So if she steps on my feet during the dance, I might pass out.

Emma Pillsbury: We would, uh, be very happy to pay you for your time, Will.

Will Schuester: No. No, I want to give you these lessons as a wedding gift. Sound good?

Emma Pillsbury: Great.

Quinn Fabray: This is a disaster. Our reputation as McKinley High's "it" couple is in serious jeopardy... if we don't find some way to be cool again, Finn.

Kurt Hummel: The Slushee war has commenced.

Mercedes Jones: And if Finn and Quinn got nailed, none of us are safe.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys. We're a little behind for sectionals... thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour. But you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up. Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great. Like... chocolate and bacon.

Finn Hudson: Or Glee Club and football.

Will Schuester: Exactly. But you've proven that it isa great combination. So here is... my personal favorite song. here is... my personal favorite song. And your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it.

Kurt Hummel: Bust a move..

Santana Lopez: Yeah, this song is old school.

Will Schuester: All right. Um, Artie.

Artie Abrams: Yeah?

Will Schuester: Try to follow along on the bass. Finn, take us through it.

Finn Hudson: Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. I got corn syrup in my eye.

Will Schuester: Okay. Uh, Puck. How about it?

Noah Puckerman: I don't really groove on Young MC.

Rachel Berry: I am shocked at the lack of leading-man ambition in this room right now.

Will Schuester: It's okay, Rachel. I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done. Bust it!
# this here's a tale for all the fellas #
# trying to do what those ladies tell us #
# get shot down 'cause you're overzealous? #
# play hard to get, females get jealous #
# okay, smarty, go to a party #
# girls are scantily clad and show a body #
# a chick walks by, you wish you could sex her #
# but you're standing on the wall like you was poindexter #
# movie show and so you're going #
# could care less about the five you're blowin' #

Girls of ND: # uh #

Will Schuester: # theater gets dark just to start the show #
# and then you spot a fine woman sitting in your row #

Girls of ND: # uh #

Will Schuester: # she's dressed in yellow, she says, "hello" #
# "come sit next to me, you fine fellow" #

Girls of ND: # uh #

Will Schuester: # you run over there without a second to lose #
# and what comes next? Hey, bust a move #

Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #

Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #

Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #

Will Schuester: # your best friend harry has a brother larry #
# in five days from now, he's gonna marry #
# he's hoping you can make it there if you can #
# 'cause in the ceremony, you'll be the best man #
# you say "neato," check your libido #
# and roll to the church in your new tuxedo #
# the bride walks down just to start the wedding #
# and there's one more girl you won't be getting #
# so you start thinking, then you start blinking #
# a bridesmaid looks and thinks that you're winking #
# she think you're kinda cute, so she winks back #
# and then you're feeling really fine #
# 'cause the girl is stacked #
# reception's jumpin', bass is pumpin' #
# look at the girl and your heart starts thumpin' #
# says she wants to dance to a different groove #
# now you know what to do, g, bust a move #

Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #

Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #

Girls of ND: # you want it, you got it, uh #
# you want it, baby, you got it #

Will Schuester: # move it, boy #

Girls of ND: # uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, babe, uh #
# uh, yeah, uh, huh-uh, babe, uh-uh, babe #
# uh, uh, hey, yeah #

Boys of ND: # just bust a move! #

Emma Pillsbury: So, how can I, uh... how can I help you kids? Is it, uh, too many friends on MySpace, or...

Quinn Fabray: I can't believe we're saying this... but we need some advice on how to be cool.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, you must have picked up some ideas... about what cool people do from watching them over the years. Not that you were never cool yourself.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah... Eh... Well... Um... But, um, you're two of... the most popular kids in school.

Quinn Fabray: We were... until we joined Glee Club. That's why he got a Slushee facial. I'm sure of it.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. I see. Um, don't really have any... pamphlets on how to be popular. Uh, okay, right. Well, let's talk about this. Why is it so important for you to be cool? Huh? Don't you like being in Glee? It's fun.

Quinn Fabray: Status is like currency. When your bank account is full... you can get away with doing just about anything. But right now, we're like toxic assets. When my mom applied to college... she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity. And she got into Arizona State.

Emma Pillsbury: Sunglasses are so sexy. Sunglasses. Yeah, sunglasses are, um, really, really cool. I'm always seeing celebrities wear them... in magazines, even at night. Doesn't need to be day. Very popular. Gives you a sense of mystery. You know... rappers.

Finn Hudson: Totally. You can't see their eyes, so they have all the power. I could be looking at your boobs, and you'd have no idea.

Quinn Fabray: Oh!...

Emma Pillsbury: It... Em... No. Um, no. Kids, look. The most important thing is that you be yourselves. Okay? And if people don't like you for that, then I'm sorry, but who needs 'em.

Emma Pillsbury: Hi.

Will Schuester: Hi.

Emma Pillsbury: This is my Cousin Betty's. We were obsessed with Princess Di's dress when we were little girls... so, um, when she got married she insisted on having... this, uh... this long train.

Will Schuester: Is there a reason you... have it on now?

Emma Pillsbury: Yes, yes.

Will Schuester: Okay.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. Um, she didn't wear it to her dance rehearsals... and the night of the wedding her husband kept stepping on the train. It was really bad. Their fight was epic. The priest cried. They were divorced three months later. Actually, maybe I shouldn't wear it.

Will Schuester: No, no, no, no, no! It's all good. It's all good. We'll, uh... We'll see how you move in it. Right?

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Will Schuester: Okay. Um, so first, uh, let's do Ken's selection... and then, uh, we'll work in your song for the big finish.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay.

Will Schuester: All right? Hey, Emma... I'm really excited about this.

Emma Pillsbury: Fantastic. It's... so, so exciting.

Will Schuester: # This thing right here... #
# Is letting all the ladies know... #
# What guys talk about. #
# You know, the finer things in life. #
# check it out. #
# ooh, that dress so scandalous #
# and you know another guy couldn't handle it #
# she's shaking that thing, like, "who's the ish?" #
# with a look in your eye so devilish, uh #
# she like to dance at the hip-hop spots #
# and she cruise to the crews like connect the dots #
# not just urban, she likes to pop #
# 'cause she was living la vida loca #
# she had dumps like a truck, truck-truck #
# thighs like what, what-what? #
# baby, move you butt, butt-butt #
# uh, I think I'll sing it again #
# she had dumps like a truck, truck-truck #
# thighs like what, what-what? #
# all night long #
# let me see that thong #
# baby! #
# that thong, th-thong, thong, thong #
# I like it when the beat goes... #
# baby, make your booty go... #

Emma Pillsbury: Oh!..

Will Schuester: Good God!

Emma Pillsbury: Are you okay?

Will Schuester: I'm okay. Are you?

Emma Pillsbury: It's the darn "Thong Song."

Will Schuester: I don't think it's the song. I think you need a new dress. Come on. I'll pick you up. Right. Upsy-daisy.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, I'm stuck.

Finn Hudson: All right. Let's try, uh, reverse chair on two.

Azimio Adams: Let's not.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Azimio, I'm the quarterback. I call the plays.

Azimio Adams: Some of the guys was talkin' , and we're starting to question your leadership ability.

Football Player: Yeah, like maybe you're having trouble making good choices... as in, for instance, choosing to join homo explosion.

Finn Hudson: Do I need to remind you that Glee Club helped us win our first game of the season?

Azimio Adams: What have you done for me lately?

Football Player: Yeah, we're taking a bunch of heat, because you like kissing dudes all of a sudden. You're not being a team player, man.

Azimio Adams: Can't believe you was man enough to knock up Quinn Fabray. You sure a real man didn't sneak in there and do it for you?

Finn Hudson: That's it!

Football Players: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

Ken Tanaka: Okay, break it up! Get up! Man, get off me! Hey, calm down, everybody! On the sidelines and take a knee! Now! What if you had broken Finn's arm, huh? We'd be worse off and more pathetic than we already are. Where's Puckerman?

Finn Hudson: Uh, he said he had to miss practice today. He's working on something for Glee Club.

Azimio Adams: Is he workin' on his coming-out-of-the-closet speech or somethin'? Hey, man! Don't push me, man!

Ken Tanaka: Okay, enough! Football is war. And no one single man can win that war, not even if they strap nukes on him. I want you to start acting like a team again! When we won that one game, it wasn't because we were dancing. It's because we were of singular purpose. I want you to start hanging more, spend more time together. Which is why, starting next week... I'm adding extra practice on Thursdays at 3: 30.

Finn Hudson: But, Coach, that's when Glee rehearses.

Ken Tanaka: And you tell Puckerman this when you see him. That practice is mandatory. No exceptions. So you're going to have to choose what's more important to you... football or Glee Club.

Rachel Berry: # what a girl wants, what a girl needs #
# whatever makes me happy, sets you free #
# and I'm thanking you for knowing exactly #
# what a girl wants, what a girl needs #
# whatever keeps me in your arms... #

Noah Puckerman: I know this looks weird. But wait until you see what happens next. My ears are starting to hurt. Can we take a break?

Rachel Berry: Okay.

Noah Puckerman: You wanna make out?

Rachel Berry: Sure.

Noah Puckerman: I know. It's whack. But I also remember what my history teacher told us last semester: Only Nixon can go to China. I have no idea what she meant, but it reminded me of when my family ordered Chinese food... and sat down together for our traditional... Simchas Torah screening of Schindler's List. That's really when all of this started. It wasn't the most normal tradition... but we did it for my mom. She said it made her feel connected to her Jewish roots. As she was giving me my sweet-and-sour pork... she said something that really hit home.

Mrs. Puckerman: You're no better than them, Noah. Why can't you date a Jewish girl?

Noah Puckerman: That night, I had the strangest dream. I knew it was a dream, because there's no way Rachel could've climbed up the wall... outside my window with no shoes on. When I woke up, I knew it was more than a dream. It was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.

Noah Puckerman: I picked it up for you when I was buying dip. It's grape. I know that's your favorite, because the last time I tossed a grape one in your face... you licked your lips before you cleaned yourself off. Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to work together on some mash-up ideas.

Noah Puckerman: Things happened pretty fast from that point. Getting her to make out with me was easier than I thought. Guess she's kind of desperate.

Finn Hudson: You okay, baby?

Rachel Berry: I can't do this.

Noah Puckerman: Why? We're a couple of good-lookin' Jews. It's natural.

Rachel Berry: I... I can't give myself to someone who isn't... brave enough to sing a solo. If you don't have the guts to do that, then how are you gonna be bold enough to deal... with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high-maintenance girl like me?

Noah Puckerman: Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?

Rachel Berry: Noah, I'm sorry, but... Your arms are lovely, but... I just don't see us working out.

Will Schuester: So... any ideas for the mash-up? Anybody?

New Directions: No.

Will Schuester: Oh, come on, guys! It's like you're daring me to start dancing.

New Directions: Oh! No.

Noah Puckerman: I've been working on something.

Will Schuester: Oh, yeah?

Noah Puckerman: It's my personal tribute to a musical Jewish icon

Will Schuester: Uh, fantastic. Let's hear it.

Noah Puckerman: # where it began #
# I can't begin to knowin' #
# but then I know it's growin' strong #
# was in the spring #
# and spring became summer #
# who'd have believed you'd come along? #
# hands #
# touching hands #
# reaching out #
# touching me #
# touching you #
# oh #
# sweet caroline #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #

Noah Puckerman: # good times never seemed so good #
# I've been inclined #
# ba, ba, ba #
# to believe they never would #
# oh #
# sweet caroline #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #

Noah Puckerman: # good times never seemed so good #
# oh, I've been inclined #

New Directions: # ba, ba, ba #

Noah Puckerman: # to believe they never would #
# oh, no, no. #

New Directions: Puckerman! Yeah!

Finn Hudson: Huh! You know, I really think this is working. I think we look super cool.

Quinn Fabray: I'm proud of you, Finn. I'm proud of us.

Finn Hudson: ..Yeah. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be popular. It just means you want people to like you. I think that's healthy.

Quinn Fabray: I totally agree.

Finn Hudson: Being popular just means you can have it all. Oh, hey, guys.

Azimio Adams: You thirsty?

Finn Hudson: Sure. Thanks. You can't do this!

Azimio Adams: Oh, you think that's bad? Just imagine what's gonna happen if you don't show up to practice on Thursday... and quit that little Glee Club for good! Bros before hi-hos, dude. Don't forget that.

Sue Sylvester: I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage." Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So "woof" on Prop 15, Ohio. And that's how Sue sees it. Oh, Rod.

Rod Remington: Boffo, Sue. And we'll be right back after this.

Sue Sylvester: You still smell like scotch, Rod.

Rod Remington: You know, Sue, there's a lot of pressure being a local celebrity. Most women find me intimidating. The teeth, the hair... It's a lot to take in, and I know it. I need a gal with a little backbone. And I think you just might be that gal.

Sue Sylvester: Don't you have a wife, Rod?

Rod Remington: She drowned. So now I've got the condo all to myself. Maybe we could go out sometime, have a little fondue.

Sue Sylvester: Sure. Okay. Bread, cheese... Oh, fantastic.

Rod Remington: I'll call you.

Will Schuester: Sue... Whoo! That was amazing. Oh! You know, I have to admit... At first when you suggestif that I teach you a few steps... I was hesitant. You know, 'cause how horrible you were to me and the Glee kids... when Figgins made you co director.

Sue Sylvester: Well, live and let learn, my friend.

Will Schuester: That is ultimately what I got to. It's nice not being at each other's throats.

Sue Sylvester: You know, you're right. I... Oh, gosh. I don't know how else to say this, but I'm in love.

Will Schuester: Really?

Sue Sylvester: After one date, Sue Sylvester is in love.

Rod Remington: E9

Sue Sylvester: You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.

Rod Remington: You know, Sue, I like to swing.

Sue Sylvester: I could be good with that.

Sue Sylvester: Rod has invited me to the Second Annual Allen County Sickle-cell Anemia Dance-a-thon. And with your tutelage, Will... we can take home that blue ribbon like two prize heifers in love.

Will Schuester: I was wondering why you asked for dance lessons.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, well, Erma just raved about you.

Will Schuester: Sue, I'm... I'm actually touched. I mean, you seem so happy and... nice. And you've been so cool with Quinn Fabray and her, you know, situation.

Sue Sylvester: Mmm, yeah, well, she's just a confused kid... and the least I can offer her is my compassion. But, you, mister...

Will Schuester: Aw...

Sue Sylvester: ... The Sue Sylvester who has been obsessed... with sabotaging your every move is now just a distant memory.

Will Schuester: That's great, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Now all I feel for you is sympathy. Whether it be for your sham of a marriage... or the fact that Coach Tanaka's finally laying down the law with regard to Glee Club.

Will Schuester: Wait. What?

Sue Sylvester: Yeah. Tanaka-san's making the kids choose. Come on. Let's be honest. What kid's gonna choose Glee Club over football? It'd be ridiculous.

Will Schuester: Hey, Ken, you wanna tell me what the hell's goin' on? You know I had a standing Glee rehearsal on Thursday. We sat down and worked out a Schedule when some of your guys joined the club.

Ken Tanaka: Circumstances have changed. I have a serious morale issue with my team. It's my responsibility to fix it. Sorry if me doing my job interferes with your club.

Will Schuester: Ken, we've known each other for years. Your commitment to football is about as long as your pants. You know, let's get into what this is really about. You're upset that I don't like your song for your wedding mash-up. And you're right. It's not my place to have an opinion.

Ken Tanaka: Why don't you just cut the crap, Will? You're not that naive. This is not about a song. It's about my fiancée. You and I, the whole world, know that I'm just a consolation prize to you. How do you think that makes me feel?

Will Schuester: Emma's totally into you.

Ken Tanaka: Emma is settling for me. And I love her so much, I don't care. But it doesn't mean I appreciate you comin' in with your Gene Kelly charm... and gettin' high off of her fawning over you.

Will Schuester: I... I have never intentionally encouraged Emma... But I haven't discouraged her either. You don't have to worry about it anymore though. So, are we cool? And I'll have my guys on Thursday again? 3: 30?

Ken Tanaka: So you keep your rehearsal. I'll keep my practice. We'll let the kids decide who's first choice... and who's a consolation prize.

Rachel Berry: ..making Tommy Tune the first to win Tony gold in four categories.

Noah Puckerman: Totally interesting. You know, you never told me what you thought of my mash-up solo.

Rachel Berry: You're still missing the elusive high "B." That's a brass ring for a baritenor. I had to work on it for weeks with Finn before he got it. You're a great performer, Noah. I just wanna say how proud I am to have you on my arm in front of the whole high school.

Noah Puckerman: You're pretty good at this.

Rachel Berry: I've had a lot of practice. You're actually a lot luckier than me and Quinn. Your head is shaved.

Noah Puckerman: I'm really sorry I ever did this to you.

Rachel Berry: It's okay.

Noah Puckerman: No, it isn't. No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes... or the way the Slushee drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Rachel... I'm sorry, but today when the clock chimes 3:30...

Rachel Berry: You're choosing football over Glee, which means we probably can't be together anymore.

Noah Puckerman: Yes. Damn, I feel like such a bad Jew.

Will Schuester: Are you ready yet? We've only got an hour for lunch, Emma.

Emma Pillsbury: It's not like trying on a pair of jeans, Will.

Will Schuester: Well, it doesn't have to be perfect. We just have to see if you can dance in it.

Emma Pillsbury: Fits okay?

Will Schuester: Yeah. Fits great.

Emma Pillsbury: Terrific.

Will Schuester: Yeah, terrific. Uh, so, should we see if you can dance in it? Okay. This is the instrumental version of your wedding song. You can sing along if you want to. It'll help your footwork.

Emma Pillsbury: # I could have danced all night #
# I could have danced all night #
# and still have begged #
# for more #
# I could have spread my wings #
# and done a thousand things #
# I've never done #
# before #
# I'll never know what made it so #
# exciting #
# why all at once my heart #
# took flight #
# I only know #
# when he began to dance with me #
# I could have danced #
# danced, danced... #
# all night. #

Will Schuester: Yeah, you can dance in it. So, I gotta get goin' . Um... Got the big showdown today at 3: 30. and, uh... I wanna make sure I'm there to support the kids, no matter what happens

Emma Pillsbury: Wait, what showdown? I thought... I thought you and Sue had that last week.

Will Schuester: Eh... Between me and your fiancé. Uh, Ken's told all the football players in Glee... that they have to choose between the club and the team. And unless all the guys choose Glee... it looks like we won't have enough members for sectionals.

Emma Pillsbury: Then Glee is over.

Will Schuester: I know. Well, wish me luck.

Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I guess they're not coming. I'm really sorry, guys.

Mercedes Jones: I can't believe this. I thought they were our friends. How can they just abandon us?

Santana Lopez: Hi. I'm glad you made it.

Mike Chang: Hi.

Brittany S. Pierce: You scared me.

Will Schuester: Good to see you, huh?

Rachel Berry: Are you... sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a Slushee in your face every day.

Noah Puckerman: Bring it.

Artie Abrams: Where's Finn?

Football Player: Hey, fella... You made the right decision.

Finn Hudson: Hey, man... What's up, dude?

Ken Tanaka: Okay, let's huddle up.

Kurt Hummel: Do it.

Finn Hudson: I really don't want to, honestly. I know how picky you are about what products you use on your face.

Kurt Hummel: But you've been getting so much pressure from the gorillas on the football team. I guess they didn't appreciate me resigning from the team and choosing Glee.

Finn Hudson: Probably would have went over better if you didn't announce it in the showers.

Mercedes Jones: You are not gonna Slushee on my man Kurt.

Rachel Berry: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore.

Finn Hudson: No, that's not true. It's just that if I don't do it... the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me.

Kurt Hummel: Well, we can't have that, can we?

Finn Hudson: What are you doin'?

Kurt Hummel: It's called taking one for the team. Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not... any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you. Someone get me to a day-spa stat!

Andrea Carmichael: Ooh, hey, hey, hey.

Rod Remington: Oh. Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Rod... Andrea.

Rod Remington: Uh, you aren't scheduled to tape another "Sue's Corner" until... tomorrow night.

Sue Sylvester: I came by special to show you my zoot suit. I had it made for our dance competition.

Rod Remington: But, uh, only the men wear those.

Sue Sylvester: Further embarrassed.

Andrea Carmichael: You're taking her?

Rod Remington: Not now, Andrea.

Andrea Carmichael: He took me last year. We came in third.

Rod Remington: You didn't think that... we were... exclusive, did you?

Sue Sylvester: It's the only way I do it, Rod.

Rod Remington: I can't be caged in, Sue. That's why I got my tiger tattoo. Heck, even my wife understood that. Are we still on for Saturday night?

Sue Sylvester: No.

Football Players: Hut!

Rachel Berry: You miss it?

Noah Puckerman: Hell, no.

Football Players: Set, hut!

Rachel Berry: I hope you didn't choose Glee over football because of me.

Noah Puckerman: Why?

Rachel Berry: Because I don't think this relationship is gonna work out.

Noah Puckerman: It's cool. I was gonna break up with you anyway.

Rachel Berry: No, you weren't.

Noah Puckerman: Yes, I was. You won't even let me touch your boobs. It's Finn, right? He's never gonna leave Quinn. Not with that baby in her belly.

Rachel Berry: You like her, don't you? I can see you staring at her when I'm staring at Finn. Is that why you joined Glee? To be closer to her?

Noah Puckerman: Like I said, they're never breaking up. God, what's the matter with me? I'm a stud, and I can't even hold on to a chick like you? No offense. Why don't girls like me?

Rachel Berry: 'Cause you're kind of a jerk. No offense. I just think you want it too much. Which is something I can relate to. I want everything too much. Our relationship was built on a fantasy. Like every other one in my life. I think I just agreed to us being together because I thought it would make Finn jealous. I just hope we can still be friends.

Noah Puckerman: We weren't friends before.

Will Schuester: Hey, Finn, wanna have a catch?

Finn Hudson: Sure.

Will Schuester: Go long.

Finn Hudson: I'm not comin' back.

Will Schuester: These are the moments, Finn. They're the crossroads. They're the ones you look back at when you get old and think "what if?"

Finn Hudson: I don't buy that. I don't think any one decision makes your life... unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or somethin' .

Will Schuester: No. You're right. Life's a series of choices. Big combination of moments... little ones that add up to big ones... that create who you are. You're lettin' other people make those choices for you, Finn. You're letting them decide who you're gonna be. People you're not even gonna know in three years. People whose names you're gonna forget... when you run into them in the hardware store.

Finn Hudson: You don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.

Will Schuester: Yes, I do. Because of all the students I've ever had, you remind me the most of me. Come back to Glee, Finn. It's where you belong.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Coach. Can I talk to you about somethin'?

Ken Tanaka: You got an itch down there or somethin'?

Finn Hudson: What? No. Uh... I'm the quarterback, right? The leader.

Ken Tanaka: Sure.

Finn Hudson: Well, all this stuff about having to choose between Glee and football... is making it hard for me to lead. Leaders are supposed to see things that other guys don't. Right? Like they can imagine a future where things are better. Like Thomas Jefferson or that kid from the Terminator movies. I see a future where it's cool to be in Glee Club. Where you can play football and sing and dance and no one gets down on you for it. Where the more different you are the better. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is... I don't wanna have to choose between them anymore. It's not cool.

Ken Tanaka: Hey, about that Thursday practice. It's, uh, canceled indefinitely. I got... stuff I gotta do that time. Laundry, things like that.

Finn Hudson: Oh. Sweet.

Ken Tanaka: Finn. Tell Puckerman and the other guys too, will you?

Finn Hudson: Sure. Thanks, Coach.

Sue Sylvester: Schuester!

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Sue Sylvester: I'll need to see that set list for sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5: 00 p.m. And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night I will steal a way into your home... and punch you in the face.

Will Schuester: Hey, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: What?

Will Schuester: Didn't work out with Rod?

Sue Sylvester: No, it did not.

Sue Sylvester: Q. take off those sunglasses. I wanna look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business. You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.

Will Schuester: Hey.

Emma Pillsbury: Hey.

Will Schuester: I wanted to talk to you about your wedding mash-up. I've been workin' really hard on it and... I just can't get those two songs to go together.

Emma Pillsbury: Yeah. That's because they don't. We both know that. They're both good songs though.

Will Schuester: Great ones.

Emma Pillsbury: Will, um, I just wanted to say, uh... Thank you... for the dance lessons.

Finn Hudson: So, what do you think about my welcome back gift to the club, huh, guys?

Will Schuester: Thanks for the Slushees, Finn.

Rachel Berry: They're delicious.

Kurt Hummel: And loaded with empty calories. You know why they call them Slushees? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them.

Finn Hudson: I'd like to propose a toast. To Mr. Schue. You were right about Glee Club and football bein' a killer combination.

Artie Abrams: Mr. Schue, I am sorry to report... that we've all been remiss about completing our assignment this week.

Mercedes Jones: Yeah, none of us could find a good groove for "Bust a Move."

Artie Abrams: And I personally feel like a failure.

Will Schuester: Well, that's okay, guys. Because I feel like the lesson landed. And that's what's important. And we are glad to have you back, Finn. You okay, Quinn?

Quinn Fabray: Do I look okay? I'm devastated. Now that I'm off the Cheerios, I'll start every day with a Slushee facial.

Will Schuester: That's okay if that happens, Quinn, because there are 11 of your friends right here... who are gonna be more than happy to help clean you off.

New Directions: Yeah. Whoo!

Mercedes Jones: That's right, girl.

Will Schuester: Mmm, brain freeze. I can't imagine gettin' hit in the kisser with one of these.

Artie Abrams: You've never been hit by a Slushee before, Mr. Schue?

Will Schuester: Um... All right, guys. We're a team. Bring it on. Gimme your best shot.

Rachel Berry: One, two, three.

Will Schuester: Oh. All right. From the top.

New Directions: Yeah! Yeah!

Cheerios: Go! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven! One, two, three, four! Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven, eight!

Finn Hudson: You shouldn't do this to yourself.

Quinn Fabray: Do what?

Finn Hudson: ... I know how much it hurts to be off the team. You're just torturing yourself watching.

Quinn Fabray: I need a good distraction.

Finn Hudson: From what? $685?

Quinn Fabray: That's how much a sonogram costs. This is just the beginning. There's gonna be more doctors' visits... vitamins, new clothes for when I explode.

Finn Hudson: What are we gonna do?

Quinn Fabray: What are you gonna do?

Finn Hudson: Well, I'm looking for a job. I mean, no one's hiring. I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a busboy.

Quinn Fabray: Somewhere in that pea brain of yours... is a man. Access him and tell him to prove to me that I chose the right guy to have a baby with.

Finn Hudson: I will. I-I'll find a job. Where...Where are you goin'?

Quinn Fabray: You were right. This does hurt too much.

Jacob Ben Israel: My blog has lit up with comments suggesting... you don't have a shot at nationals since you lost Quinn Fabray.

Sue Sylvester: No, the Cheerios are stronger than ever. We're gonna take nationals with this routine. Mediocre! Hit the showers!

Jacob Ben Israel: I have several sources reporting Quinn didn't wanna leave... but you kicked her out because of the pregnancy scandal.

Sue Sylvester: Well, Jacob, this is Ohio, and in order to win... my Cheerios need to appeal to that panel of judges. So if I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout... the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form. They're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force... is going to make the baby's head start crowning. Oh, and by the way, all this... off the record. Probably should've told you that earlier.

Will Schuester: This isn't fair, Figgins.

Principal Figgins: Is it fair that... I have to stop providing the baseball team with protective cups? I only get a certain amount of dollars a year to spend, William.

Will Schuester: Yeah, but Artie...

Principal Figgins: ...He's used to overcoming challenges. He'll just have to find his own ride to sectionals. That "handicapable" bus costs $600 a week to rent. We can't afford it.

Will Schuester: Oh! But there's enough money in the budget... to fly the Cheerios all over the country for their competitions?

Principal Figgins: Sue Sylvester has boosters that write fat checks. None of her travel expenses come out of the school budget.

Will Schuester: Look. When I was in the Glee Club... the best part of the competitions was the bus ride to the event. It was about camaraderie and supporting each other.

Principal Figgins: You think I feel good about this?

Will Schuester: Well, my students won't stand for it.

Principal Figgins: That's very moving, but my hands are tied, Schue. If you want that bus, you're gonna have to find a way to pay for it yourself.

Quinn Fabray: What about Target?

Finn Hudson: Tried. Not hiring.

Quinn Fabray: Another doctor bill came to my parents' house last night, Finn. We're lucky that I'm clever and intercepted it. But we have to start paying these doctors' bills... or they're gonna go to a collection agency. And then my parents are gonna find out that I'm with child... your child.

Will Schuester: All right, guys. We're doin' a new number for sectionals. I know that pop songs have sort of been our signature pieces. But I did a little research on past winners, and it turns out that the judges like songs that are more accessible. Stuff they know. Uh, standards, Broadway.

Kurt Hummel: "Defying Gravity"? I have an iPod shuffle... dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing.

Will Schuester: Think you can handle it, Rachel?

Rachel Berry: It's my go-to shower song. It's also my ringtone.

Mercedes Jones: Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

Will Schuester: Okay. We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. Rachel is singing it. Don't worry. We'll find something for you to dip in chocolate. On to item two. The school won't pay for the special bus we need... to take Artie and his wheelchair with us to sectionals.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Wh...Wh...What?

Rachel Berry: That's completely unfair.

Will Schuester: So, we're gonna have to raise money to pay for it ourselves. See, when I was in Glee Club and we needed new silk cummerbunds for regionals... we held a bake sale.

Santana Lopez: Wait. You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of "bougie."

Will Schuester: So hip people stopped eating delicious sugary treats?

Brittany S. Pierce: It's not that. It's most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.

Rachel Berry: My family's fully committed to takeout.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, Mr. Schue. Kids are busier than when you went here. We've got homework and football and teen pregnancy, lunch.

Mercedes Jones: Can't Artie's dad just take him?

Will Schuester: I can't believe how insensitive you're all being. Are you a team?

Quinn Fabray: Of course. But Artie understands. Don't you, Artie?

Artie Abrams: Of...Of course. It...It's cool. I mean, anything that takes away our time from rehearsing doesn't serve as a team.

Will Schuester: Let me help you out, buddy.

Artie Abrams: Thank you.

Will Schuester: Hey, I'm really sorry about how they all reacted, Artie.

Artie Abrams: It's okay. I'm used to it. They just... don't get it. Can I use the auditorium this afternoon to rehearse, Mr. Schue? Some of the band equipment's in there.

Will Schuester: Sure.

Artie Abrams: # on the floor of tokyo-o #
# or down in london town to go-o #
# with the record selection with the mirror reflection #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# when there's no one else in sight #
# in a crowded lonely ni-ight #
# well, I wait so long for my love vibration #
# and I'm dancing with myself #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# I'm dancing with myself #
# well, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# and I'll be dancing with myself #
# if I looked all over the world #
# and there's every type of gi-irl #
# but your empty eyes seem to pass me by #
# and leave me dancing with myself #
# so let's sink another drink #
# 'cause it'll give me time to thi-ink #
# if I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance #
# and I'll be dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# I'll be dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, dancing with myself #
# oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #
# and I'll be dancing with myself. #

Kurt Hummel: I have something I'd like to say. I wanna audition for the Wicked solo.

Will Schuester: Kurt, there's a high "F" in it.

Kurt Hummel: That's well within my range.

Will Schuester: Well, I think Rachel's gonna be fine for the female lead. But I'm happy to have you try out something else, Kurt. And we'll make sure that it's got a killer high note.

Mercedes Jones: You tried.

Will Schuester: Anyway... I wanted to say something to you guys. I was a little disappointed at how you were all so willing... to take the bus together to sectionals... and make Artie drive by himself with his dad. We're a team, guys. We're in this Glee Club together.

Mercedes Jones: Artie doesn't care. His dad drives him everywhere.

Artie Abrams: I do care. That kind of hurt my feelings.

Rachel Berry: We didn't think you would take it personally.

Artie Abrams: Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.

Will Schuester: I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder... Artie has to work just to keep up.

Artie Abrams: Preach.

Will Schuester: We're riding to sectionals together... or we're not going at all. And to pay for the bus, we're having a bake sale. St. Ignatius nursing home was having a tag sale. And my A.V. Club friends here agreed to help out. For the next week, each of you is going to spend... three hours a day in a wheelchair. And we're doing a wheelchair number.

Noah Puckerman: I didn't even know we had a home ec room. What's all this?

Quinn Fabray: Ingredients for cupcakes... for the stupid bake sale. What's this?

Noah Puckerman: It's what I had left over from my pool cleaning money... after I bought dip and nunchakus. I was getting that you kind of need money... for our kid.

Quinn Fabray: For my kid. Eighteen dollars.

Noah Puckerman: How much has Finn given you?

Quinn Fabray: Just stop. I told you before. I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk. I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.

Noah Puckerman: It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a Mohawk.

Quinn Fabray: You are such an egghead.

Noah Puckerman: I'm not. Oh. Ok. Ok... Ah!...

Quinn Fabray: No... That was perfectly measured! There you go. Oh!

Noah Puckerman: No... Come on. Oh!

Finn Hudson: What the hell?

Quinn Fabray: We're baking.

Finn Hudson: I can see that.

Noah Puckerman: I'm gonna go change.

Burt Hummel: Where's my jelly cream center?

Kurt Hummel: Sorry, Dad. I must've forgotten.

Burt Hummel: What's up with your brain today? You know, I think it's goin' soft from all that crap you put in your hair.

Kurt Hummel: It's organic, and I'm fine. I'm sorry. It's a Glee Club thing.

Burt Hummel: It's not about a guy, is it? Because I'm not ready to have that conversation.

Kurt Hummel: Well, at least you don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant. It's not a guy. We're doing this amazing song for sectionals... a personal favorite of mine, and Mr. Schuester won't give me a chance to sing it.

Burt Hummel: Why?

Kurt Hummel: It's traditionally sung by a girl.

Burt Hummel: Well, you sing like a girl. You know, in a good way. Look, Kurt. I don't know how this music stuff works. I'm pretty exclusively committed to my Mellencamp collection, but... isn't there more crossover nowadays? You know, chicks doin' construction? Guys wearin' dress shoes with no socks? Didn't that girl from your high school just join the boys' wrestling team?

Lauren Zizes: Yes! Whoo!

Kurt Hummel: Yes, but her parents had to sue the school.

Burt Hummel: This is really gettin' you down, isn't it?

Kurt Hummel: I'm... full of ennui.

Burt Hummel: So it's... really getting you down?

Kurt Hummel: Yes.

Burt Hummel: You can't discriminate against my kid because of his sex... religion, political affiliation... or the fact that he's queer as a three-dollar bill. And I won't accept it.

Principal Figgins: This isn't academics or athletics, Mr. Hummel. It's an arts program, and Mr. Schuester's judgments are subjective.

Burt Hummel: You put on a blindfold and listen to my kid sing... and you will swear you're hearing Ronnie Spector.

Will Schuester: Wait...

Burt Hummel: Don't try to backpedal on this, Schuester.

Will Schuester: I was just going to agree with you.

Will Schuester: I know this is gonna be hard on you, Rachel... but I can't in good conscience preach about the importance of helping Artie... and then reject Kurt's request out of hand.

Rachel Berry: So you're giving him my part?

Will Schuester: Now, I can't just give him the part. That would be just as wrong. But I can let him audition.

Burt Hummel: What do you mean, like a tryout? All right, that seems fair.

Rachel Berry: This is totally unfair. You gave me the part.

Will Schuester: And I will give it to you again if you can sing the song better than Kurt.

Burt Hummel: Okay, this seems like a reasonable deal. But how do I know this isn't just some show... to stop me from takin' a flamethrower to this place? Who's gonna judge?

Will Schuester: Now, all of you are gonna judge. And in the spirit of full access, each of you is going to get a vote. Whatever singer has the most votes gets the part.

Rachel Berry: This isn't gonna be about talent, Mr. Schuester. It's gonna be a popularity contest.

Kurt Hummel: Stop right there. Mr. Schue, if I may? We all know I'm more popular than Rachel. And I dress better than her. But I want you all to promise me that you're going to vote for whoever sings the song better. Raise your right hand. Your right hand, Brittany.

Santana Lopez: It's this one.

Brittany S. Pierce: Sorry.

Kurt Hummel: Repeat after me. I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.

New Directions: I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.

Will Schuester: Good luck.

Kurt Hummel: It's on.

Will Schuester: All right, guys.

Rachel Berry: Maybe one of these days, you'll find a way... to create teaching moments without ruining my life.

Principal Figgins: Schue, I saw all your kids in their wheelchairs, and I was very impressed.

Will Schuester: Well, thank you, Principal Figgins. But actually... it's made me realize that there's only one wheelchair entrance in this school... and it's all the way in the far end of campus. McKinley needs ramps.

Sue Sylvester: No way. Those are what I call "lazy makers." They discourage our able-bodied students... from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs.

Will Schuester: What is she doing here?

Sue Sylvester: Yes. What am I doing here? I have a Cheerios routine to polis that's gonna clinch us nationals.

Principal Figgins: I brought you two in here because both of you have a point. Handicapped ramps are expensive, but inspiration is free. Will, I'm so inspired by your stunt... that I'm insisting that Miss Sylvester do the same with the Cheerios.

Sue Sylvester: I beg your pardon?

Principal Figgins: Cheerios is not accessible, Sue. It's by invitation only. I want to see a squad that reflets our community's diversity. Now, Glee Club held open auditions.

Sue Sylvester: And everyone got in.

Principal Figgins: Now that Quinn Fabray is off the squad... you will hold open auditions to fill her slot. And Mr. Schuester will monitor them to make sure that they're fair to all.

Sue Sylvester: Okay, let me break this down for you here. There comes a point when you've gotta stop seeing people for what they look like... and ask them to show you what they can do. And as soon as a cheerleader rolls herself out onto the field in a wheelchair... she becomes decidedly less effective at cheering people up. It's just a fact.

Principal Figgins: No, Sue. The fact is, you've never given other students the fair shake that they deserve. I'm asking you to try itWhat do you have to lose? Maybe somebody at the school will surprise you.

Finn Hudson: Cupcake? Cupcakes suck. That's why we're not selling any.

Quinn Fabray: It's not about the cupcakes. It's about us. Nobody wants to buy from losers. We're in Glee Club and in wheelchairs.

Noah Puckerman: She has a point. Six months ago... I could've sold 50 of these things on fear alone.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, my God. What is she doing?

Finn Hudson: I actually think they're kind of friends.

Noah Puckerman: Brittany's always cheating off her test papers in math class.

Brittany S. Pierce: See so many? And look how pretty they are, Becky.

Becky Jackson: Wow!

Santana Lopez: Brittany, you're supposed to be in your wheelchair.

Brittany S. Pierce: I lost it.

Becky Jackson: Are you a cheerleader? It's so cool.

Brittany S. Pierce: So is buying a cupcake. That's really cool.

Becky Jackson: But I don't have any money.

Brittany S. Pierce: That's okay. I have some.

Santana Lopez: Thank you.

Becky Jackson: Thanks.

Brittany S. Pierce: So how much do we have now?

Finn Hudson: Well, with this one dollar, we have one dollar.

Quinn Fabray: This is ridiculous.

Finn Hudson: Maybe if we put a jellybean or somthing on top, we'd sell more.

Quinn Fabray: Are you an idiot? How am I supposed to trust you to take care of our baby... when you can't even figure out how to sell a damn cupcake?

Finn Hudson: Stop attacking me. I'm sick of it.

Quinn Fabray: Get a job.

Finn Hudson: I'm fine!

Sue Sylvester: I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here.

Will Schuester: You just call a name. They come in and try out. Just give 'em a chance to express themselves.

Sue Sylvester: I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.

Mercedes Jones: McKinley! Hey, hey! McKinley!

Sue Sylvester: No... No... You're not serious, are you? Tell me you're not serious. No! No friggin' way, Jacob. ...Freak? Okay, I've been at this for an hour. That's all I promised.

Will Schuester: Sue, there's just one more person on the list. Give her a shot.

Sue Sylvester: Becky Johnson.

Will Schuester: Jackson.

Sue Sylvester: Jackson.

Will Schuester: Be nice, Sue.

Becky Jackson: I heard that you do a routine with jump ropes. I wanted to show you what I could do.

Sue Sylvester: Becky, I'm gonna stop you right there. You're in. Be at practice tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. Congratulations.

Will Schuester: What are you up to, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: I'm just following orders, Will. I'm doing what I was told. And I found myself a brand-new Cheerio.

Will Schuester: You're up to something. I don't like this, Sue.

Noah Puckerman: I'm just saying, she has a point. You are kind of an idiot.

Finn Hudson: Nice support, dude. Whatever happened to "bros before ho's"?

Noah Puckerman: You've got a baby on the way, bro, and you haven't done spit to take care of it.

Finn Hudson: Like you'd do any different?

Noah Puckerman: Damn straight.

Finn Hudson: How? Nobody's hiring.

Noah Puckerman: Sell your Xbox. Rob a bank. Go all Robin Hood on this joint. Whatever it takes. All I ever hear is you whining and crying about how hard this is on you. What about her?

Finn Hudson: Dude, you are so out of line. You don't know what I'm dealing with.

Noah Puckerman: All I know is that you're a punk who dosent deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend!

Finn Hudson: You're a punk!

Will Schuester: Hey, hey! Break it up! Break it up! Come on! Hey...

Noah Puckerman: He started it!

Will Schuester: I don't care! Now. You...You guys are best friends. What the hell's goin' on?

Noah Puckerman: I'm just really stressed about the bake sale. I really like Artie, okay?

Will Schuester: ...You okay?

Artie Abrams: The key to a double turn is to just go for it. You push with the right wheel, and pull as hard as you can with the left... and find a spot on the wall to spot you so you don't get dizzy.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys. Uh, take five, all right? Oh! Remember to show up early on Thursday. It's Rachel versus Kurt for the big solo.

New Directions: Whou!...

Artie Abrams: Careful. Respect the chair.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I really admire you, Artie. I had no idea how difficult this was.

Artie Abrams: It's just like you with your stutter. You don't really notice it after a while.

Tina Cohen-Chang: H...H...How did it happen? You don't talk about it.

Artie Abrams: My mom and I got in a really bad car accident when I was eight. And she was fine, but I've been in the chair ever since. But I wanna be very clear. I still have the use of my penis. Oh, God.

Burt Hummel: Excuse me a second. Hummel Tires and Lube.

Man: Allo.

Burt Hummel: Yep. Who's this?

Man: Your son's a fag.

Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad.

Burt Hummel: What the hell is wrong with this machine?

Kurt Hummel: I hit it... the high "F." The magical note I need for "Defying Gravity." I hit it. It means I'm gonna win.

Burt Hummel: That's great... Good for you. Just how long until the damn coffee's ready?

Kurt Hummel: What's going on?

Burt Hummel: I got a phone call this morning. The anonymous kind. It was some dude telling me my son was a fag.

Kurt Hummel: Oh. Well, that's not a big deal. I get that all the time.

Burt Hummel: Yeah, but I don't... . Now, look, Kurt. I try to do right by you. You know, open some doors. What father wouldn't do that for his kid? And I know it's good for you... to be out there with... with all this Glee Club stuff. I just... I don't want you to get hurt.

Kurt Hummel: So you don't want me to audition for the solo?

Burt Hummel: No, no. Let me be clear, all right? No one pushes the Hummels around, especially cowards on the phone. Sometimes, I just... I wish your mom was still around, you know?... She was better at... you know, handlin' this kind of thing. You know, handlin' me. Look, congrats on, uh... you know, the cool "A" or the high "C" or, you know, whatever it was.

Kurt Hummel: High "F."

Burt Hummel: Yeah.

Finn Hudson: There's your problem. You just had a bent push rim. Good as new.

Rachel Berry: Thanks, Finn. You're the only one who was willing to help me. I'm really nervous about the "diva off" tomorrow.

Finn Hudson: Don't be.

Rachel Berry: You know, I don't wanna win out of charity. I wanna win the solo because it's right for the club. I really think that the judges at sectionals... will find a female version of "Defying Gravity" much more accessible. But... I don't think that's gonna happen. People just don't like me.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, you might wanna work on that. I like you.

Quinn Fabray: We need to talk.

Rachel Berry: I'll get out of your way.

Quinn Fabray: Nope! You stay. I need a witness. Do you know what this is?

Finn Hudson: Oh. It's just a "past due" notice. My mom gets 'em all the time.

Quinn Fabray: Right. But if this sonogram bill doesn't get paid... it's not your phone that's gonna get cut off. You will get cut off. You need to help me with this, Finn... or else we're gonna go our separate ways.

Finn Hudson: I'm screwed.

Rachel Berry: Not necessarily.

Brittany S. Pierce: I know. I know. I know, I know.

Will Schuester: Hey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, this is amazing.

Santana Lopez: Hi. Puck found his Nana Connie's old recipe. They're addictive. Do you want one?

Will Schuester: No. No, thanks. I don't wanna take one away from a paying customer.

Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know. Sure.

Will Schuester: Hey, uh... Nice work, buddy.

Santana Lopez: These are so good.

Noah Puckerman: This isn't Nana Connie's old recipe. She couldn't cook at all. She was a diabetic. So the only sweets she had in her house was dried fruit. I knew I had to do something to help Quinn out with our baby. I don't know what kind of stuff you need for a baby that's still in your stomach. Bottles, diapers... That kind of thing, I guess. But my baby mama was gonna get it all. To make sure that happened, I used the two things I know the most about... lying and crime.

Sandy Ryerson: Is there a lot of pain, Noah?

Noah Puckerman: The doctor said the shark fractured my spinal cord.

Sandy Ryerson: This is why I don't go to the aquarium. I'm going to give you as much as you want, 20 cents on the dollar.

Noah Puckerman: I don't put in enough to get you hallucinatin'. Just enough to give you a wicked case of the munchies. That's why they keep coming back for more. Yeah. See? I told you I'd make a great dad.

Sue Sylvester: Faster. Harder! Those better be tears of joy, Becky. Faster! Harder! Okay, stop. Becky, this is terrible.

Becky Jackson: I've tried, Coach. This is really hard.

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch... and being told that they're going in another direction. That was hard. Hit the showers.

Becky Jackson: Thanks, Coach.

Will Schuester: Hi. Sue, you are unbelievable.

Sue Sylvester: And you are a terrible spy. You might try breathing th rough your nose sometime. If you were a sniper... I'd have already radioed in your coordinates, just like in the Falklands.

Will Schuester: I'm not gonna let you bully that girl, Sue.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I bully everybody, Will. It's the way I roll.

Will Schuester: Yeah, but this is different. She's not like everybody else.

Sue Sylvester: I want you to listen to what you just said, William. You're asking me to treat this girl differently because she has a disability... when actually, it seems to me she just wants to be treated like everybody else. Why are you doing this?

Will Schuester: Because I know you, and you're up to something.

Sue Sylvester: You don't know the first thing about me.

Finn Hudson: Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

Will Schuester: All right. Welcome to the Glee Club's first official "diva off."

New Directions: Waouh!...

Will Schuester: Let's get this party started!

Kurt Hummel: # something has changed within me #
# something is not the same #
# I'm through with playing by the rules #
# of someone else's game #
# too late for second-guessing #
# too late to go back to sleep #
# it's time to trust my instincts #
# close my eyes and leap... #

Rachel Berry: # it's time to try defying gravity #
# I think I'll try defying gravity... #

Kurt Hummel: # kiss me good-bye, I'm defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down #
# I'm through accepting limits #
# 'cause someone says they're so... #

Rachel Berry: # some things I cannot change #
# but till I try I'll never know... #

Kurt Hummel: # too long I've been afraid of #
# losing love I guess I'd lost... #

Rachel Berry: # well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost... #

Kurt Hummel: # I'd sooner buy defying gravity... #

Rachel Berry: # kiss me good-bye, I'm defying gravity... #

Kurt Hummel: # I think I'll try defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down #
# I'd sooner buy defying gravity... #

Rachel Berry: # kiss me good-buy, I'm defying gravity... #

Kurt Hummel: # I think I'll try defying gravity #
# and you won't bring me down... #

Rachel Berry: # bring me down #
# oh, oh, oh, oh... #

Kurt Hummel: # oh. #

Will Schuester: Good job, Kurt. Good job.

Noah Puckerman: Hey, wait up. I cracked open the piggy bank It's for you. Well, it's for "it."

Quinn Fabray: "It" is a she.

Noah Puckerman: Cool. I told you I wasn't a deadbeat.

Quinn Fabray: Look, Puck, this is really sweet, but...

Noah Puckerman: I can get more. People call me a screwup because... I think school's for suckers. But I got ambition. Get us a house, some stuff, furniture. We could be a family.

Quinn Fabray: Finn is your best friend.

Noah Puckerman: He'd be pissed for a while. But then he'd realize he doesn't have to deal with all this. He'd bake me a damn cake.

Quinn Fabray: ... You stole from the cupcake fund.

Noah Puckerman: No, I didn't. Fine. I did. I made all those cupcakes. I'm all about being a team player, but my family comes first.

Quinn Fabray: ...I get it. And... I'm sorry. I should've never called you a Lima loser. You're not. You're special and romantic... and a good enough person to realize that... we are not gonna take money from a friend in a wheelchair.

Finn Hudson: Hey. Here.

Quinn Fabray: What's this?

Finn Hudson: I got a job.

Rachel Berry: Excuse me. Are you the manager?

Manager: Yes.

Rachel Berry: You need to hire my friend Finn. He is clearly "handicapable"... and refusing to hire him could be seen as discrimination. My dads are gay. And unless you want the full force... of the American Civil Liberties Union coming down on you... I'd work something out.

Finn Hudson: Gonna need to stay in my wheelchair as long as I'm working there. But... screw it. It's worth it. Can I give you a lift to rehearsal?

Noah Puckerman: 1,200 bucks. That's enough for the short bus... And two cases of Natty light for the ride home.

Will Schuester: Ah. Dream on, brother.I'm very proud of you guys. Artie. Why don't you bring this to Principal Figgins yourself.

Mercedes Jones: Go, Artie!

Finn Hudson: What's wrong, dude?

Artie Abrams: I really appreciate what you guys did for me. But I'm not the only kid in a wheelchair at this school. And I'm sure there'll be others after I graduate. And I know how important it is for all of us to go to sectionals together... but I think I'd rather just get a ride from my dad... and use this for a handicap ramp in the auditorium.

Will Schuester: Any objections?

Finn Hudson: Well, it sure beats having to carry him in every day.

Will Schuester: You think she has a brain tumor? That can cause erratic behavior.

Principal Figgins: All I know is that she walked in unannounced... and she wrote me a check for three new handicap ramps.

Will Schuester: I just don't get it. I mean, first, putting Becky in Cheerios. Now this. What is her angle?

Principal Figgins: Why ask why? Just enjoy the fact that you're getting your bus after all.

Sue Sylvester: How's she doing?

Nurse: Great. She asks about you. She's been watching you on TV.

Sue Sylvester: I need to get here more often.

Nurse: Oh, you get here plenty.

Nurse: Jean? Your little sister's here to see you.

Jean Sylvester: Hey, Sue!

Sue Sylvester: Hi, honey!

Jean Sylvester: My sister's famous!

Sue Sylvester: You got that right. I got something for you. What's this?

Jean Sylvester: Wow! A pom-pom. Thank you.

Sue Sylvester: That's for you. What do you feel like doing today?

Jean Sylvester: Can we read today?

Sue Sylvester: Look what I have.

Jean Sylvester: Little Red Riding Hood.

Sue Sylvester: Right. Your favorite book. Wanna start at the beginning?

Jean Sylvester: Yes.

Sue Sylvester: All right. You ready?

Jean Sylvester: Ready.

Sue Sylvester: "Once upon a time... there was a little girl who lived in the forest. Whenever she went out, the little girl wore a red riding cloak. So everyone in the village called her Little Red Riding Hood." Right?

Jean Sylvester: Right.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, no! Oh, you're so much faster!

Artie Abrams: You can't keep up.

Tina Cohen-Chang: I can't! This is so hard... No! No, this wasn't fair. You've had eight years of practice.

Artie Abrams: Excelling at wheelchair races is about my only advantage. It's like your stutter. It's mostly just a big hassle.

Tina Cohen-Chang: This has been a really fun date. But... I wanna get out of this chair.

Artie Abrams: Why?

Tina Cohen-Chang: So... I can do this. I have to tell you something. I've been faking it.

Artie Abrams: Faking what?

Tina Cohen-Chang: I don't have a stutter. I pretended to have one in sixth grade because... I didn't wanna give a speech on the Missouri Compromise. I was really shy. And it made people think I was weird, so they left me alone. And it wasn't until I joined Glee Club that I realized... how much I was missing. I don't wanna push people away anymore. You understand what that's like, don't you?

Artie Abrams: No. I don't. I would never try to push people away... 'cause being in a chair kind of does that for you. I thought we had something really important in common.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Wait. Artie, I'm sorry.

Artie Abrams: I am too. I'm sorry now you get to be normal... and I'm gonna be stuck in this chair the rest of my life. And that's not something I can fake.

Kurt Hummel: Hey, Dad. What are you doing?

Burt Hummel: I'm makin' biscuits. What does it look like I'm doing? How'd the tryout go?

Kurt Hummel: They gave the part to Rachel.

Burt Hummel: I knew they were gonna rig it! I'm goin' down to that school and I'm talkin' to Schuester.

Kurt Hummel: I blew the note... . I wanted to lose.

Burt Hummel: Kurt, I stuck my neck out for you, and you go and you throw the game?

Kurt Hummel: Dad. I've known who I was since I was five. I adapted. Being different made me stronger. At the end of the day, it's what's gonna get me out of this cow town. You never had to do that.

Burt Hummel: I can handle myself just fine.

Kurt Hummel: No, you can't. Not about this. That phone call Esternay was just the beginning... especially if I get up in front of a thousand people to sing a girl's song. When I saw you right after you got the call... and you were... so hurt and so upset... it just killed me. I'm not saying I'm gonna hide in the closet. I'm...I'm proud of who I am. I'm just saying that I love you more than I love being a star.

Burt Hummel: You are your mother. You know, she was always the strong one... Look, uh... you wanna help me put a 195 on this bad boy?

Kurt Hummel: Let me change into my coveralls. This sweater's an Alexander McQueen.

New Directions: # rollin' #
# rollin' #
# rollin' on the river #

Finn Hudson: This one's for you, Artie!

Mercedes Jones: # left a good job in the city #

Artie Abrams: # down in the city #

Mercedes & Artie: # working for the man every night and day #
# and I never lost #
# one minute of sleeping #
# I was worrying about the way that things might have been #
# big wheel keep on turning #

Mercedes Jones: # ooh, the proud mary keep on burning #
# and we're rolling #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # rollin', yeah #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # rollin' on the river #

New Directions: # rollin' on the river #

Artie Abrams: # so I left a good job in the city #
# working for the man every night and day #

Mercedes Jones: # and I never lost one minute of sleeping #
# worried about the way things might have been #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # big wheel keep on turnin' #

New Directions: # turnin' #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # proud mary keep on burnin' #

New Directions: # burnin' #
# rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # yeah #

New Directions: # rollin' on the river #

Artie Abrams: # rollin' on the river #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # yeah #

New Directions: # rollin' on the river #
# da, do-do-do #
# da, do-do-do #
# da, do-do-do #
# ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba #
# yeah #

Artie Abrams: # if you come down to the river #
# bet you gonna find some people who live #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # you don't have to worry if you have no money #
# people on the river are happy to give #

Mercedes Jones: # big wheel keep on turnin' #

New Directions: # yeah #

Mercedes Jones: # proud mary keep on burnin' #

New Directions: # burnin' #
# rollin' #

Artie Abrams: # rollin' #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #

New Directions: # rollin' on the river #

Artie Abrams: # rollin' on the river #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # rollin' #

New Directions: # rollin' #

Mercedes Jones: # yeah #

New Directions: # rollin' on the river #

Mercedes Jones: # rollin' on the river #

New Directions: # ba-da, da-ba, yeah, ba-da, da-ba, yeah #
# ba-da, da-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba #

Mercedes Jones: # hey! #

Artie Abrams: # yeah! #

Ian Brennan: Here's what you missed last week: Quinn's pregnant, and Puck's the father, but everybody thinks it's Finn.

Noah Puckerman: You're a punk who doesn't deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend.

Ian Brennan: Except for Quinn's parents, who don't know anything... at all. They just know she's in the Celibacy Club.

Noah Puckerman: Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another immaculate conception.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed on... Glee.

Will Schuester: Ballad. From Middle English, balade. Who knows what this word means?

Brittany S. Pierce: It's a male duck.

Will Schuester: Kurt.

Kurt Hummel: A ballad is a love song.

Will Schuester: Sometimes, but they don't always express love. Ballads are stories set to music— which is why they're the perfect storm of self-expression. Stories and music are the way we express feelings that we can't get out any other way. Okay, now, sectionals are in a few weeks and there's a new rule this year— we have to perform... a ballad.

Rachel Berry: Looks like my weekly letter to the Ohio Show Choir Committee finally paid off!

Will Schuester: Okay. So here's our assignment for the week: I'm going to pair you off, and I want you to pick a ballad to sing to your partner. Look them right in the eye, find the emotion you want to express, and make them feel it.

Finn Hudson: I pick Quinn.

Will Schuester: No, no, no. Too easy. Your partners will be chosen by fate.

New Directions: Ooh!

Will Schuester: Ooh, yeah. I put all your names in this hat. Whoever you choose is your partner.

Brittany S. Pierce: I bet the duck's in the hat.

Santana Lopez: But Matt's out sick today. He had to go to the hospital, 'cause they found a spider in his ear.

Will Schuester: Um... I guess I'll just have to put my name in the hat for now. Who's up first?

Mercedes Jones: Mercedes.

Will Schuester: All right.

Artie Abrams: Quinn.

Finn Hudson: Kurt. Mr. Schue, I don't know if I can do this with another guy.

Will Schuester: The fates have spoken, Finn.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Other Asian.

Santana Lopez: Brittany.

Man: How fitting.

Brittany S. Pierce: Yay!

Man: No way.

Rachel Berry: Looks like I get you, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: Uh... You know what? Maybe we should just wait until Matt gets back.

Finn Hudson: The fates talked, Mr. Schue.

Artie Abrams: Would you mind clarifying what kinds of songs you want us to sing?

Rachel Berry: Why don't you let Mr. Schuester and I demonstrate. Brad, "Endless Love" in B-flat, please. It's my favorite duet.

Will Schuester: I really don't think that's an appropriate song, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Why? It's a great song, and it's a perfect ballad.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. I really like that song, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: # My love... #

Kurt Hummel: I could totally sing this song with Finn. But screw him if he's thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me.

Will Schuester: # The only thing that's right... #

Noah Puckerman: I love the days when I don't wear underwear.

Rachel Berry: # My first love... #

Finn Hudson: I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is. Oh, crap, I think Quinn knows I'm staring at it.

Rachel Berry: # You're every breath that I take #
# You're every step I make #

Will Schuester: # And I #

Rachel Berry: # I #

Will Schuester: # I want to share #

Rachel & Will: # All my love with you #

Will Schuester: # No one else will do #

Rachel Berry: # And your eyes #

Will Schuester: # Your eyes, your eyes #

Rachel & Will: # They tell me how much you care #
# Oh, yeah... #

Rachel Berry: Wow. I've never noticed this before, because he's always trying to destroy my career, but Mr. Schue has really pretty eyes.

Rachel & Will: # My endless love... #

Rachel Berry: And really nice teeth. He's obviously invested in good oral hygiene, and that's important to me. It shows wonderful self-esteem.

Rachel & Will: # I'll be that fool #
# For you #
# I'm sure #

Will Schuester: I don't like the way she's looking at me. Oh, I shouldn't have sung this song to her. Crap! She looks crazy right now. I know this look.

Rachel & Will: # Yes #
# You'll be the only one #

Rachel Berry: # Oh #

Will Schuester: # 'Cause no #

Rachel & Will: # No one can't deny #
# This love I have inside #
# And I'll give it all to you #

Will Schuester: # My love #

Rachel Berry: # My love, my love #

Rachel & Will: # My endless love. #

Rachel Berry: Okay, this is amazing. When I'm singing with him, it's like I'm seeing him for the first time. And what I'm seeing is super... super cute.

Will Schuester: Okay. Something like that.

Judy Fabray: Sweetie, I'm so proud of you. The Chastity Ball is so important to your father.

Quinn Fabray: God, I miss the firm support of my polyester Cheerios uniform! The control panel hid my baby bump perfectly.

Judy Fabray: That's odd. We had this custom-made a month ago.

Quinn Fabray: I had a really big lunch today at school. Really big tacos.

Judy Fabray: No worries, sweetie. I'll just take it down to the tailor tomorrow. We'll let it out a little bit. The problem here, honey, is, you know, I just don't think you've been getting enough exercise ever since you quit the Cheerios. Am I right?

Quinn Fabray: Yeah. Yeah. That's right.

Judy Fabray: I mean, you used to spend hours every day doing backflips and high kicks, and now, I mean, now you spend all your free time sitting on a stool in the dark singing show tunes. Do you know how many calories you burn singing? Hmm? Not very many.

Russel Fabray: Judy! Glenn Beck is on! Oh! Wait. Hold on. Hold on.

Judy Fabray: He's so...

Russel Fabray: Oh, I don't want to see!

Quinn Fabray: Daddy, it's not like we're getting married.

Russel Fabray: I don't wanna... Oh. Oh, look at you. Speaking of getting married, how's that boy you've been dating?

Judy Fabray: Yeah. Yeah. He's not, uh, pressuring you at all, is he?

Quinn Fabray: No! No, he's a gentleman.

Russel Fabray: I'm glad to hear that.

Judy Fabray: Mm-hmm.

Russel Fabray: That's why I'm inviting him over for dinner on Sunday.

Judy Fabray: Oh! Wonderful.

Russel Fabray: Refresher?

Judy Fabray: Honey, I don't want you to lift a finger for me. Tsk. I'm your wife.

Russel Fabray: My little lemon drop.

Judy Fabray: Oh!

Russel Fabray: I gotta go catch Glenn.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?

Will Schuester: Yeah?

Rachel Berry: I just wanted to confirm that we're set to rehearse our ballad at 4:00 sharp this afternoon.

Will Schuester: Oh. Isn't Matt back yet?

Rachel Berry: No, it's just... You and me, all week long.

Will Schuester: Great. Well... I'll see you at 4:00. Is there something else?

Rachel Berry: I just wanted to give you this. Open it. Gold stars are kind of my signature thing. I figure every time you wear it, you can think of me and the star you're helping me become.

Will Schuester: It's happening... again. It always starts with a novelty gift.

Emma Pillsbury: I mean, you can't blame her, Will. I mean, if we were going to rank crushworthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet. Uh... Well, I... When did, when did this start with Rachel?

Will Schuester: We sang a duet in Glee Club— "Endless Love."

Emma Pillsbury: Okay, in hindsight, that was probably a mistake.

Will Schuester: Yeah. I can't handle going through this again.

Emma Pillsbury: Sorry, going through, um, going through what again?

Will Schuester: Have I ever told you about... Suzy Pepper?

Will Schuester: So the alpacas start there and, uh, travel down towards Guatemala. Suzy Pepper wasn't the first schoolgirl crush, but she was the hardest. It happened about two years ago, before you were a teacher here. Suzy was... unique.

Suzy Pepper: Mr. Schue, how do you conjugate the verb... to love? Peppers. So you can wear them and think of me— Suzy Pepper.

Will Schuester: I thought it would burn out like the others, but it only got worse.

Will Schuester: Hello?

Terri Schuester: Who is it? Who died?

Will Schuester: Suzy Pepper?

Suzy Pepper: You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath. That's so romantic.

Terri Schuester: Listen, you little psycho, this is Will's wife. And if I don't get enough sleep, my anti-depressants won't work, and then I'll go crazy and I'll kill you.

Will Schuester: Terri...

Terri Schuester: Stop calling! Can't you handle anything, Will?

Will Schuester: Terri was right— or so I thought. I decided to be honest with Suzy, face this head-on.

Emma Pillsbury: Okay. How'd that go?

Will Schuester: It was the world's hottest pepper.　She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, gosh. What happened to her?

Will Schuester: Well, the ambulance arrived just in time.The pepper burned holes in her esophagus. And she was in a medically induced coma for three days. That's why I can't just tell Rachel to back off. These girls are too fragile.

Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Okay. How about this? Why don't you take your own advice. Right? Do what you told the kids to do.If you're... If you're feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel, then why don't you, um, you know, sing it to her? Let her down gently. And don't wear that tie.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Kurt Hummel: Sing to me everything you feel.

Finn Hudson: Okay. Uh... I can't. I can't. I can't sing to a dude.

Kurt Hummel: You have to try.

Finn Hudson: I can't, okay! I can't! I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not.

Kurt Hummel: Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.

Finn Hudson: Dude, I'm sorry. You're really awesome, Kurt. I... I'm just under a load of crap right now.

Kurt Hummel: Girls.They're your problem. They're up, they're down. Girls.

Finn Hudson: It's the baby. She's my daughter, and... there's so many things I want to say to her, and I'm never going to be able to.

Kurt Hummel: Like what?

Finn Hudson: Well... Like how I don't want her to think that her father just abandoned her. How I would do anything for her. How, no matter what I do, I'm always thinking about her. How I'm going to spend my whole life loving her, and she's never even going to know.

Kurt Hummel: You got to let it out.

Finn Hudson: How?

Kurt Hummel: By singing. "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders. It's in your wheelhouse, and I know you know it from the radio because it's a classic. And you do well with the classics, especially in the soft rock mode.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I do like that song, but... How is it going to make me feel better again?

Kurt Hummel: By singing it out. To the audience. Imagine your little girl sitting there. Thank God I never missed a piano lesson.

Finn Hudson: # Oh #
# Why you look so sad? #
# Tears are in your eyes #
# Come on and come to me now #
# When the night falls on you #
# You don't know what to do #
# Nothing you confess #
# Could make me love you less #
# I'll stand by you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Won't let nobody hurt you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Take me in into your darkest hour #
# And I'll never desert you #
# I'll stand by you #
# I'll stand by you #
# Won't let nobody hurt you #
# I'll stand by you. #

Carole Hudson: Finn, what's going on? What are you doing?

Finn Hudson: Uh, nothing.

Carole Hudson: Were you just singing to a sonogram?

Finn Hudson: Uh-huh.

Carole Hudson: Is Quinn pregnant?

Finn Hudson: Mom. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Carole Hudson: Shh, shh, shh.

Finn Hudson: I screwed up, Mom.

Carole Hudson: It's going to be okay.

Finn Hudson: I'm so sorry.

Carole Hudson: Shh, shh, shh.

Quinn Fabray: I can't believe your told your mom. What if she tells my mom?

Finn Hudson: No, she's not.

Quinn Fabray: Half the school knows. Your mom knows. Who else do you want to tell? Huh?

Finn Hudson: But she's not going to tell anybody.

Quinn Fabray: You're wrong, I'm right. I'm smart, you're dumb.

Tina Cohen-Chang: All this baby drama is making my rosacea act up.

Mercedes Jones: I know. I just feel bad for them, having to go through this on their own.

Kurt Hummel: Let me see what I can do. I'll report back later.

Quinn Fabray: No, no, no. You're wrong, I'm right. I'm right, okay?

Finn Hudson: She doesn't talk to other moms.

Kurt Hummel: How do you explain her constant irritation with you? It's because she's a girl.

Finn Hudson: No, I think it's the pregnancy hormones or something. They make her kind of nuts.

Kurt Hummel: It's enough to want to give up women altogether.

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Anyway, thanks for the advice about singing to the baby like that. Uh, worked like a charm. I owe you one, dude.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, I'll admit it. I'm madly in love with Finn. I have been since the first time we met.

Finn Hudson: Dude. Impulse control.

Kurt Hummel: He was my knight in shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee. Then football. Then skin care.

Kurt Hummel: Your T zone is dangerously dry. Your... your T zone.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Kurt Hummel: Twice a day. It's very mild and has a built-in sunblock.

Finn Hudson: Cool. Thanks, man.

Kurt Hummel: I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows. I guess that's love for you.

Will Schuester: Hey. Eyes on your own paper.

Kurt Hummel: I know it seems weird that I'm helping Finn with Quinn, but rest assured, it's all part of a master plan. No matter what I do or how much I assist him with his ballad, she's going to end up disappointing him and breaking his heart. And then... he'll be crying into my shoulder pads.

Will Schuester: Okay. So I'm really excited. I have picked a medley of songs that's going to be a fantastic teaching tool about how to sing a great ballad.

Rachel Berry: Why is Miss Pillsbury here?

Emma Pillsbury: Uh... um, well, I... I, too, am very curious about the power of the ballad. You know, I'm thinking of doing some career counseling in song.

Will Schuester: Emma, want to just... ?

Emma Pillsbury: S.A.T. prep... Yeah.

Will Schuester: Okay. Rachel, this is a mash-up of "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap and the 1980 Police classic, "Don't Stand So Close to Me." And I want you to listen very closely to the lyrics because I really mean what I'm singing. Really listen. Okay.
# Young teacher, the subject #
# Of schoolgirl fantasy #
# She wants him so badly #
# Knows what she wants to be #
# With all the charms of a woman #

Men: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Will Schuester: # You've kept the secret of your youth #

Men: # Ah, ah, ah #

Will Schuester: # Book marking, she's so close now #
# This girl is half his age #
# Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
# Young girl, you're out of your mind #
# Your love for me is way out of line #
# Better run, girl #
# You're much too young, girl #
# Temptation, frustration #
# So bad it makes him cry #
# Beneath your perfume and makeup #

Men: # Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Will Schuester: # You're just a baby in disguise #

Men: # Ah, ah, ah #

Will Schuester: # Get out of here #
# Before you have the time to change your mind #
# 'Cause I'm afraid #
# You'll go too far #
# Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #
# Young girl, you're out of your mind #
# Your love for me is way out of line #
# Better run, girl #

Men: # Don't stand #
# Don't stand so #
# Don't stand so close to me #

Will Schuester: # You're much too young, girl. #

Will Schuester: So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad?

Rachel Berry: Yes. It means I'm very young, and it's hard for you to stand close to me.

Will Schuester: Um, no, um... Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got?

Emma Pillsbury: You're a a very good performer. He's very good.

Rachel Berry: Well, I for one can't wait to go home and work on a medley of my own for tomorrow, because this lesson has given me... A lot to think about.

Will Schuester: No, Rachel, that really wasn't the... You...

Emma Pillsbury: Bravo.

Finn Hudson: Thanks for coming over, Kurt. I know you're into fashion and that kind of stuff. And I need to find something nice to wear to the Fabrays' for dinner, so...

Kurt Hummel: I couldn't be more pleased and honored to help you find something vintage and appropriate to wear.

Finn Hudson: Here it is. My mom never had the heart to throw this stuff out. Here, hang on to that for the next time Puck throws you in the Dumpster.

Kurt Hummel: My dad's the same way. My mom died ten years ago, and he still keeps her toothbrush on the holder by their sink. The broken dresser in their room still smells like her perfume. I know it's stupid, but sometimes I'll sneak in there and open all the drawers and lie on the floor and close my eyes and just smell her.

Finn Hudson: That's not stupid. I guess in a way, I'm lucky I never knew him, you know? Check this out.

Kurt Hummel: Not half bad. Your father had good taste.

Finn Hudson: I can't believe it fits. Uh, thanks. My father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away, and I can't even go over to Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.

Kurt Hummel: Your father didn't charge into the breach empty-handed. He had a weapon.

Finn Hudson: You think I should bring a gun?

Kurt Hummel: N-No, I think you should use your greatest weapon— your voice.

Will Schuester: Hey, sweetie, I'm home. Something smells good. Oh, thanks.

Rachel Berry: You're welcome. Casserole's almost ready. Hope you like venison.

Will Schuester: Why did you even let her in the house?

Terri Schuester: 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids. It didn't take me five minutes to realize she's in love with you. She asked if she could see your baby pictures.

Will Schuester: What, so now you're making her clean our bathroom?

Terri Schuester: Look, Will, I have been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years. So why shouldn't I get a little something out of it?

Rachel Berry: Do you have any more Ajax?

Terri Schuester: Oh, in the linen closet, sweetie.

Will Schuester: This is immoral, Terri.

Terri Schuester: No, honey, you know what's immoral? Is me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am. I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me. Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can't scrub the floors as hard as she can.

Will Schuester: Baby, if it's that bad, you have to let me see it. It might be infected.

Terri Schuester: What, so now I'm going to show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow, yeah, no, that's not going to send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.

Will Schuester: For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students, and you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.

Terri Schuester: But why not, huh, if it's win-win for everyone? Look, she's a really good cook. Try it. Where are you going?

Will Schuester: I'm taking Rachel home.

Terri Schuester: Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first?

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?

Will Schuester: Yes, Rachel?

Rachel Berry: Why do I have to sit in the backseat?

Will Schuester: Um, it's the law. Children have to ride in the back.

Rachel Berry: Children under seven.

Will Schuester: Well, I'm just concerned for your safety.

Rachel Berry: Really?

Will Schuester: Um... no, not really.

Rachel Berry: I think we should take advantage of this golden alone time and practice our ballad.

Will Schuester: That would be great, but I don't have any music in the car.

Rachel Berry: It's okay, I made us a CD.

Will Schuester: Oh.

Women: # Ah, crush #
# Ah #

Rachel Berry: # I see you blowin' me a kiss #
# It doesn't take a scientist #
# To understand what's going on, baby... #
It wasn't finished.

Will Schuester: Yeah, well, the acoustics are horrible in the car. Put your seat belt back on. So... how's it going with Puck? Are you guys still seeing each other?

Rachel Berry: I broke things off. He was too immature, as are all the boys in high school. I need a man who can keep up with me intellectually and creatively.

Will Schuester: Well, that's a tough road for most high school boys.

Rachel Berry: That's why I have my sights set much higher.

Suzy Pepper: Stay away from him. You're going to get hurt bad.

Rachel Berry: You can't threaten me, Pepper. I'm not afraid of you.

Suzy Pepper: You should be.

Mercedes Jones: Oh, you're on the second floor? Oh, you're right above me. Girl, you? I am a hot damn mess. I found out today that my hamster is pregnant in biology class, and I just started weeping. No, no, I think that's a great idea.

Noah Puckerman: We're supposed to be rehearsing.

Mercedes Jones: I'm talking to Tina. I'll hit you back. This is bad, dude. All our ballads are terrible 'cause we're all so distracted. We're all worried about Finn and Quinn and Babygate. We can't even sing about our emotions 'cause we're so worried about theirs.

Noah Puckerman: Who cares?

Mercedes Jones: Um, we all do, so we decided we're all going to sing them a ballad to show that we got their backs.

Noah Puckerman: Are you kidding me? There's no way I'm singing to them. It's not fair. Finn gets everything. He gets the sympathy, he gets the girl.

Mercedes Jones: What is your problem?

Noah Puckerman: Finn's not the father. I am.

Mercedes Jones: What? All right, look. You need to get something through your Mohawk real quick. You're the baby's daddy. It takes a hell of a lot more to be a father, and that role's already been cast. Because Quinn chose Finn, and you need to accept that and move on 'cause you have no business messing up that girl's life any more than you already have. You need to back off. You owe her at least that much.

Finn Hudson: Mmm, it's a lovely ham.

Judy Fabray: Thank you.

Russel Fabray: There is no beating Judy's ham.

Judy Fabray: Well, I cure all my own meats.

Russel Fabray: I'd like to propose a toast.

Quinn Fabray: Daddy. No.

Judy Fabray: Russell and his famous toasts.

Russel Fabray: The Fabrays are a tight-knit family. I have been blessed with a loving wife, two remarkable daughters. My first married a wonderful Christian man who owns his own chain of UPS stores. My second daughter— little Quinnie— we are just so proud of her. Captain of the Cheerios. President of the Celibacy Club. I got a little peek at the dress. I'm certain she's a shoo-in for princess of the...

Judy Fabray: She is.

Russel Fabray: But tonight we are very glad to welcome her new friend— quarterback, no less.

Finn Hudson: I have to go to the bathroom. Uh... Too much pop.

Judy Fabray: Oh, wait, it's right through the kitchen, sweetheart.

Russel Fabray: He wears a helmet when he plays, right?

Quinn Fabray: He's just intimidated by you, Daddy.

Kurt Hummel: Well, hello, Finn Hudson.

Finn Hudson: I'm at the Fabrays and I'm freaking out. What does a heart attack feel like?

Kurt Hummel: Settle down, cowboy. This is why we burned the disc and spent all that time rehearsing.

Finn Hudson: I can't do it.

Kurt Hummel: Yes, you can. Just remember the power of the ballad.

Finn Hudson: I have to go; they'll think I'm pooping. Ha!

Judy Fabray: That's my kitchen radio.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, I need to borrow it.

Quinn Fabray: Finn, what's this?

Finn Hudson: Well, we have this assignment in Glee Club to sing a ballad. They're all about expressing the things you can't find any other way to say.

Quinn Fabray: Oh, God, Finn, don't. Please don't.

Finn Hudson: No, I need to do this for both of us.
# You're having my baby #
# What a lovely way of saying how much you love me #
# You're having my baby #
# What a lovely way of saying #
# What you're thinking of me #
# I can see it #
# Your face is glowing #
# I can see it in your eyes #
# I'm happy you know it #
# That you're having my baby #
# You're the woman I love #
# And I love what it's doing to you #
# You're having my baby #
# You're a woman in love and I love #
# What's going through you #
# The need inside you #
# I see it showing #
# Whoa, the seed #
# Inside you, baby... #

Judy Fabray: There must be some sort of mistake here. Quinnie, we raised you right.

Finn Hudson: You... You did. We didn't even have sex.

Judy Fabray: I'm sorry. Can we just stop with the lying, please?

Finn Hudson: But I...

Russel Fabray: When you were about five years old, I took you and your sister down to an Indians game. All the other dads brought their sons, but my two girls were enough for me.

Quinn Fabray: Daddy.

Russel Fabray: Your sister made it through the whole game, but you fell asleep in my lap. I kept hoping nothing exciting would happen, 'cause I didn't want the crowd to get too loud— ... wake you up. Didn't matter. You stayed asleep in my arms till the game ended.

Quinn Fabray: Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Russel Fabray: You need to leave.

Quinn Fabray: Wait. Please, Daddy can we talk about this? Finn is a good guy. He loves me.

Russel Fabray: You, too. Get out of my house.

Finn Hudson: She can't do that. She didn't do anything wrong. Please, Mrs. Fabray, do something.

Quinn Fabray: Don't bother, Finn. If she wanted to do something, she would've when she found out that I was pregnant.

Russel Fabray: You knew?

Judy Fabray: I— no. She didn't tell me anything.

Quinn Fabray: But you knew. And I needed you. I needed my mom. And you were so scared of what he would do if he found out you just pushed it aside like we do every bad feeling in this house. If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.

Russel Fabray: Now do not turn this on us! You are the disappointment here!

Quinn Fabray: Why? Because I'm not a little girl anymore? Because I made a mistake?

Russel Fabray: Who are you? I don't recognize you at all.

Quinn Fabray: I'm your daughter. Who loves you. And who knows this must be really hard for you, but I just need my daddy to hold me, and tell me that it's going to be okay. Please.

Russel Fabray: Judy!

Carole Hudson: Honey, how many times have I told you, you gotta turn these T-shirts right side out before you...

Finn Hudson: Um... Mom, Quinn's parents threw her out. Could she stay here for a couple of days?

Carole Hudson: Yeah, of course she can. Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.

Suzy Pepper: Hey, Barbra Streisand, we need to have a little talk.

Rachel Berry: I have nothing to say to you, Pepper. If you continue to stalk me, I'll press charges. Everyone knows what you are. You're the school crazy.

Suzy Pepper: I was crazy. Crazy in love.

Rachel Berry: There's nothing you can say that's going to change the way I feel about Mr. Schuester. Ours is a love for the ages. Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.

Suzy Pepper: Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson number one: You and Schue? It won't work.

Rachel Berry: What do you mean?

Suzy Pepper: We're not so different, you and me. We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating. Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues: He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved. Trust me. I'm a cautionary tale. You need to find some self-respect, Rachel. Get that mildly attractive groove back.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm ready when you are. The ballad I've selected has an important message that I'm anxious for you to hear.

Will Schuester: Rachel, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you. The way you've been acting is totally inappropriate. I'm your teacher, Rachel, and I'm sorry, but that's all I'm ever going to be.

Rachel Berry: I know. I... Brought these for you as an apology. And the song I was going to sing was, "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" by Elton John, 'cause I know how much you love it. I'm such an idiot. Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment...

Will Schuester: Hey. It's okay. I know it's not always easy for you, Rachel. And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you'd like to change. But you should know that there is some boy out there who's going to like you for everything you are. Including those parts of you that even you don't like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most.

Rachel Berry: Thanks, Mr. Schue.

Will Schuester: What do you say we ditch rehearsal today? I've got to be honest, Rachel, you've never really needed much help with your ballads. You've been knocking them out of the park since day one.

Rachel Berry: Do you like them?

Will Schuester: They're great.

Kurt Hummel: So they just kicked her out?

Finn Hudson: Yeah. Gave her half an hour to pack. Father set the timer on the microwave.

Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. I guess my plan kind of sucked.

Finn Hudson: No, uh, this is good. No more secrets. You know, everything's out there— all the feelings. And that's better, right?

Kurt Hummel: Yes. Better.

Finn Hudson: Good. All right, well, uh, let's work on your ballad. You were really helpful when I was trying to find mine. So what is it?

Kurt Hummel: "I Honestly Love You."

Finn Hudson: Sounds awesome. I don't know the song, or whatever, but it sounds positive and nice and stuff.

Mercedes Jones: Hey, you two. We need to go to the choir room.

Finn Hudson: Why?

Kurt Hummel: Because there's something we want to give you and Quinn.

Mercedes Jones: Open your eyes. You don't need to close your eyes.

Finn Hudson: Is there a cake?

Mercedes Jones: No, there's no cake.

Finn Hudson: Oh.

Mercedes Jones: Be quiet and sit down. Hi, Quinn.

Finn Hudson: Do you know what's going on?

Will Schuester: Your fellow Glee Club members want to sing a song for you guys to let you know how they feel about you.

Finn Hudson: What are you going to sing?

Rachel Berry: Just listen. The song says everything.

New Directions: # Hum #
# hum-hum-hum-hum #
# Hum-hum-hum-hum #
# Hum-hum-hum-hum #

Artie Abrams: # Hold on #
# Sometimes in our lives #
# We all have pain #
# We all have sorrow #
# But if we are wise #
# We know that there's always tomorrow #

New Directions: # Lean on me #
# When you're not strong #
# And I'll be your friend #
# I'll help you carry on #
# For it won't be long #
# Till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on #
# Just lean on me #
# Call on your brother #
# Hey #
# When you need a friend #
# We all need somebody to lean on #

Artie Abrams: # Somebody to lean on #

New Directions: # I just might have a problem #
# That you'll understand #
# We all need somebody to lean on #
# Lean on me #

Artie Abrams: # Oh, oh if there is a load #

New Directions: # There's a load #

Artie Abrams: # You have to face #

New Directions: # You have to face #

Artie Abrams: # That you can't carry #
# I am right up the road #
# I'll share your load #

New Directions: # If you just call me #
# Call me #
# I'm calling #

Artie Abrams: # Call me #

Mercedes Jones: # When you need a friend #

Artie Abrams: # Call me #

New Directions: # Call me #
# Call me #
# Call me #
# When you need a friend #
# Call me #
# Any time of day #
# Call me #

Mercedes Jones: # Ooh, it won't be long #
# Till I'm gonna need #
# Somebody to lean on #
# Lean on, lean on me #
# Lean on, lean on #
# Lean on me #

New Directions: # Lean on me #
# Lean on, lean on #
# Hey, hey, hey #
# Lean on me #
# You can lean on me #
# I'm gonna need somebody to lean on #
# Gonna need somebody to lean on #

Mercedes Jones: # Hey... #

New Directions: # Somebody to lean on. #

Ian Brennan: So here's what you missed last week. Quinn's parents found out that she's pregnant, because Finn told them in song.

Finn Hudson: We didn't even have sex.

Ian Brennan: So kicked out, now she live in Finn's house, and everyone thinks Finn's the father, but really is Puck.

Quinn Fabray: I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk. I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.

Ian Brennan: And that's what you missed... on Glee.

Sue Sylvester: Hey, fella. So unless my recent write-up here in splits magazine naming me cheerleading coach of the decade has me driven completely insane, I'm pretty sure you and I had an agreement that you were going to show me your Glee Club set list for sectionals.

Will Schuester: Sorry, Sue. I didn't think you were all that interested in Glee Club anymore.

Sue Sylvester: Not interested? Well, I'm the fine arts administrator or something.

Will Schuester: Um... Well, I will make sure you get a copy.

Sue Sylvester: That'd be fantastic. I'd hate to have to go to Figgins about this. Hey, Will.

Will Schuester: Yes?

Sue Sylvester: I'd like my magazine back, please. Thank you.

Will Schuester: Here's the problem with Sue Sylvester: You never quite know where you stand. I knew she was up to something.

Will Schuester: Five, six, seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, Unh and seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, unh, You guys go. Step ball... Brittany? Coach Sylvester didn't tell me to do this.

Will Schuester: It kept getting worse.

Sue Sylvester: Hey there, pal. Would you remind me once again the names of the schools you'll be competing against at sectionals?

Will Schuester: Jane Addams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf.

Sue Sylvester: Got it. What are their zip codes?

Will Schuester: She's leaking our competitive set list to the other schools. If the other Glee Clubs get set lists and videos, they'll know exactly how to beat us at sectionals.

Emma Pillsbury: Well first, don't let Sue distract you, all right? And if you can't take Mohammad to the mountain, then you got to get Mohammad to bring the mountain down to his house. Mohammad's house, wherever he's staying.

Will Schuester: I don't understand.

Emma Pillsbury: Look, you should drive over to Jane Addams Academy and ask the director point-blank. If something's going on, you'll know.

Will Schuester: Hmm.

Will Schuester: All right. Oh, thanks.

Grace Hitchens: You're a good kid, Aphasia. Why did you try to rob a bank?

Aphasia: Because, Ms. Hitchens, that's where they keep the money.

Grace Hitchens: Go back to class.

Will Schuester: Uh, hi, Ms. Hitchens. I'm Will Schuester from Mckinley High.

Grace Hitchens: Aphasia! Give Mr. Schuester his wallet back.

Will Schuester: Wow, she's... She's good. Um... Thank you. Thank you for seeing me.

Grace Hitchens: We don't get a lot of other educators paying us visits.

Will Schuester: Right. Um... Well, the reason I'm here is... A little weird. So I guess the best thing for me to do is just come right out with it. I think our cheerleading coach has been passing along our set list for sectionals to you.

Grace Hitchens: What kind of messed up school are you people running? You think that because our students are thieves and arsonists, that we're cheaters, too.

Will Schuester: No, no, no, no, I... It's not that you, it's, it's Sue.

Grace Hitchens: Do you know that we don't have costumes? Or even an auditorium? Our show choir has to practice out in the rec yard. This is Ohio. We have weather.

Will Schuester: You don't have to tell me about underfunding for the arts.

Grace Hitchens: Look, all I know is that our choir seems to be the only thing that keeps my girls from recidivism. It makes them feel good about themselves. I'm not going to cheat and risk that just so we can get a leg up on your school of privileged misfits. Especially from what I hear. We're probably going to take you anyway.

Will Schuester: Really? And who'd you hear that from?

Grace Hitchens: I had my spies at your invitational. Want some coffee?

Will Schuester: Please. I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Let me make it up to you. You guys don't have an auditorium, come use ours. Yeah, let's have a little, uh, scrimmage at our place.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys, so first of all I want to welcome Ms. Hitchens and the Jane Addams Glee Club. We're all very happy to have you guys here. So, um, we're going to let you guys start us off. Let's see what you got.

Grace Hitchens: Hit it.

Jane Adams Academy: # Jayelle, can you handle this? #
# Shadonda, #
# can you handle this? #
# Aphasia, can you handle this? #
# I don't think they can handle this #
# Better move 'cause we've arrived #
# Lookin' sexy, lookin' fly #
# Baddest chicks, chicks inside #
# Deejay, jam tonight #
# Spotted me, a tender thang #
# There you are, come on, baby #
# Don't you wanna dance with me? #
# Can you handle, handle me? #
# Lookin' hot, smellin' good #
# Groovin' like I'm from the hood #
# Over my shoulder I'll blow you a kiss #
# Can you handle, handle this?#
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this #
# 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this #
# 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# Move your body up and down #
# ooh #
# Make your booty touch the ground #
# Ooh #
# I can't help but wonder why #
# Is my vibe too vibe-alicious for you, babe? #
# I shake my jelly at every chance #
# When I whip with my hips you slip into a trance #
# I'm hoping you can handle all this jelly that I have #
# Now let's cut a rug while we scat some jazz #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this, 'cause my body's #
# Too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this jelly #
# I don't think you're ready for this 'cause my #
# Body's too bootylicious for you, babe #
# I don't think you're ready #
# For this jelly I don't think you're ready #
# For this jelly I don't think you're ready #
# For this 'cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe. #

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, you seem concerned.

Will Schuester: What? No. I mean, they were great, but we're just as good.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue, if I may. What they were doing was just all smoke and mirrors. It's called "hairography."

Will Schuester: What?

Rachel Berry: Hairography. All the whizzing of their hair around just to distract from the fact that they're not really good dancers. And their vocals were just so-so. Trust me. We've nothing to be afraid of.

Will Schuester: All right, guys. I did some thinking last night. I think I found our new number for sectionals. We're going to do the title song from Hair. Now, this show started a revolution.

Noah Puckerman: Wait, did they have mohawks back then? Like in the 20's or whatever?

Finn Hudson: Yeah, Mr. Schue, if we're going to do a song about hair, shouldn't we have more hair?

Will Schuester: One step ahead of you. Here are your wigs.

Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester?

Will Schuester: Yeah?

Rachel Berry: What are you doing? We are fine where we are. We don't need hairography. It's just a distraction.

Will Schuester: Look, I have to be honest. Those Jane Addams girls did freak me out a little. And I'm worried about our chances for sectionals. I mean, we have to pull out all the stops if we want to win. Looking great, guys!

Noah Puckerman: Saw it in a bookstore. Figured I'd steal it for you. You know, in case you change your mind and decide you want to keep it.

Quinn Fabray: That is so sweet. To be honest, I really don't know what I'm going to do about it anymore. My mind's pretty messed up about everything.

Noah Puckerman: Well, whatever you decide. No pressure.

Quinn Fabray: Thank God for Puck. Thanks to him, I'm starting to realize that what I need right now, even more than looser pants, is acceptance. Everyone is putting so much pressure on me. It's so easy for them to be distracted. I don't have that luxury. I am under siege.

Terri Schuester: You don't drink diet soda, do you? Because the phosphoric acid causes male pattern baldness.

Quinn Fabray: The baby's a girl.

Terri Schuester: Women go bald, too.

Kendra Giardi: You worry too much, Terri. Mom smoked and drank a bottle of riuniti on ice every night when she was pregnant with us and we're totally normal. Just take your vitamins, stay out of the hot tub, and avoid rum-based drinks, and you'll be fine.

Quinn Fabray: Maybe the problem isn't that I don't want to keep the baby. The problem is that I don't want to keep the baby with Finn. Maybe I didn't give Puck enough of a chance. He is the real dad, after all. Finn would freak if I started spending time with Puck though. I need to distract him so that I can take Puck for a test drive. But how? Mm, forget about it. She looks like a five year old. Still, maybe with a little bit of makeup...

Quinn Fabray: Hey, Kurt, can I pick your pink brain for a second?

Kurt Hummel: Why hello, Quinn. To what do I owe the honor? I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken to me.

Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry about that. Anyways, I have a proposition to make: A makeover.

Kurt Hummel: I'm in! Makeovers are like crack to me.

Quinn Fabray: Uh-huh.

Kurt Hummel: My suggestion... Spanx. Or a double-knit camisole with a control top for the baby bump. Also, babydoll dresses-- Dead giveaway.

Quinn Fabray: Not for me, for Rachel.

Kurt Hummel: Why would I want to do that? I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but... Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.

Quinn Fabray: My point exactly. You're as concerned about the Glee Club succeeding as I am, and she's a distraction. Look at her. She's wearing a pantsuit. Don't you think the judges are going to take one look at her and maybe want to knock her down a peg or two?

Kurt Hummel: And to think... I thought you were a dumb blonde. Deal.

Terri Schuester: Good night.

Will Schuester: Good night.

Terri Schuester: What are you doing?!

Will Schuester: I'm trying to be intimate with my wife.

Terri Schuester: No, you're trying to have sex.

Will Schuester: Wh...

Terri Schuester: Not intimacy. If you wanted intimacy, you... You would ask me how I'm feeling about being pregnant.

Will Schuester: You're right. I'm sorry.

Terri Schuester: It's okay.

Will Schuester: It will all be worth it when she shows up, right?

Terri Schuester: Yeah. Of course.

Will Schuester: Love you.

Terri Schuester: Love you. There's no way I can keep this up. He's gonna catch on. I miss him, too, though. I do want to have a family with him. I only ever started lying about all of this to give us a chance. I just need to buy myself some more time. I've got to distract him with something. But what?

Rachel Berry: Ow.

Kurt Hummel: The key is to never wax above the eyebrow. Always shape from below. Trust me, I get a lot of practice. Look at mine.

Rachel Berry: Kurt, why did you volunteer to give me a new look?

Kurt Hummel: One, I'm a sucker for makeovers, and two, you need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one. Which looks like where Strawberry shortcake and holly hobbie come to hook up. You're extremely talented, Rachel. Watching you perform is... amazing. But sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I'm thinking about is shoving a sock into your mouth.

Rachel Berry: Well, what kind of makeover did you have in mind?

Kurt Hummel: We need to broaden your appeal. I want every boy at school to do a double take when you strut past.

Rachel Berry: There's really only just... one boy that I'd like to impress. Can you keep a secret?

Kurt Hummel: Of course.

Rachel Berry: I'm in love with Finn.

Kurt Hummel: Really? I understand completely. Let's move on to makeup. I happen to know for a fact that Finn is attracted to loose women.

Rachel Berry: What? Quinn is so wholesome.

Kurt Hummel: Let me put this into musical theater parlance. In Grease, what did Sandy do to get Danny Zuko? She had to ditch the poodle skirt and slap on a cat suit. In short, she had to dress like a ho. Maybe if your look was better, more desirable, Finn would be in your arms right now. Instead of Quinn's.

Will Schuester: What's going on, Terr?

Terri Schuester: Just a couple more steps, okay? All right, stop.

Will Schuester: Okay. Is that the blue bomber? It is! I remember I took you to prom in this car. We did it in the backseat.

Terri Schuester: Well, this isn't actually your old car. I found this one on Ebay.

Will Schuester: You know, I always regretted selling this car.

Terri Schuester: I know. That's why I got you this one. I thought maybe working on it would be a-- A distraction from all the pressure that you've been under.

Will Schuester: You are the best.

Terri Schuester: Honey.

Will Schuester: Yeah?

Terri Schuester: Um, could you go and get me a frozen yogurt?

Will Schuester: Yeah, sure. Oh, maybe I'll stop by Pep Boys.Maybe they have some advice.

Terri Schuester: That's a good idea.

Will Schuester: Yeah.

Terri Schuester: Take your time, honey.

Terri Schuester: How could you bring her here? What if he saw her?

Kendra Giardi: You're gonna want to hear this. I gave little miss peroxide my phone number in case of an emergency, and she called to drop the bomb on me.

Terri Schuester: What? What bomb? What is it?

Quinn Fabray: I'm keeping my baby.

Will Schuester: Look, we had no intention of discriminating against your Glee Club, Mr. Rumba. We extended an invitation to the Jane Addams Academy to perform, because we're lucky enough to have better facilities than they do.

Dalton Rumba: And you think we don't have the same problem? I run the Glee Club at a school for the deaf. You think I'm rolling around in Deaf Choir money? Now sure, my kids may be deaf, but that shouldn't distract everyone from the fact that they still have a song in their heart, and they should have the same chance as everyone else to express it. Now I had scarlet fever as a kid, leaving me deaf in one ear. So I remember what it's like to have full hearing, but my poor kids don't know the difference. All they know is that they love performing. And then they have to hear that Mckinley went and invited those bad girls to the school. That's just not fair. It's not fair.

Will Schuester: I think your phone's ringing.

Dalton Rumba: What?

Will Schuester: Your phone's ringing.

Dalton Rumba: No, I got it on vibrate. All I am saying is that it would be nice if you went and hosted another scrimmage and had the courtesy to invite us this time.

Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.

Dalton Rumba: What's that?

Will Schuester: I said I agree with you.

Dalton Rumba: Okay, I can't hear you. Talk into this ear. Scarlet fever.

Will Schuester: I'm sorry... You're on! Um, how's Monday?

Dalton Rumba: No, it has to be Monday.

Will Schuester: Yes! All right! Monday! I can't wait to see the kids do their numbers!

Dalton Rumba: You don't have to make fun of me with those hand gestures.

Will Schuester: No, I didn't... I didn't mean to.

Dalton Rumba: Let me check with my secretary. Oh, damn, four missed calls. What's that?

Will Schuester: I didn't say anything.

Dalton Rumba: Yes, thank you. I take it black, two sugars. Hello. Hello?!

Terri Schuester: I can't do this anymore. It's time to tell him.

Will Schuester: Terri?

Terri Schuester: Yeah, honey?

Will Schuester: Oh, hey, kendra.

Kendra Giardi: Damn, Will. You make one sexy grease monkey.

Will Schuester: I am having so much fun. Working with my hands, searching for parts all over town. I feel like I'm in a Springsteen song. Well, I got to get some old dish towels-- Mop up the grime.

Terri Schuester: Oh, God.

Kendra Giardi: That car is the perfect distraction. I would get something like that for Phil if I didn't think it would make him so happy.

Terri Schuester: What's the difference? He's going to get pretty damn suspicious when I come home from the hospital without a baby.

Kendra Giardi: You need to relax. And drink more. I have got this whole thing figured out.

Terri Schuester: You do?

Kendra Giardi: Mm-hmm. Blondie's due date is right around spring break. You and I are going to have a lady's week at a spa down in Cinci that caters to the prenatal set. But, in reality, we're gonna be camped out at Wu's office with Quinn until that high school hussy drops.

Terri Schuester: That's a great plan. Except for the fact that Quinn won't give us her baby anymore.

Kendra Giardi: But she will, dummy. We have to distract her with the reality of her situation.

Terri Schuester: How are we going to do that?

Kendra Giardi: She needs money. I'm going to have her babysit my kids. Five minutes alone with those little mongrels and she'll have her tubes tied.

Terri Schuester: You're so smart.

Kendra Giardi: You got the beauty, but I got the brains and the beauty.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Rachel.

Rachel Berry: Oh, hey, Finn. I didn't see you there. Did you want to ask me something?

Finn Hudson: Uh, yeah, I-I just, I forgot. I got distracted.

Rachel Berry: Well, I'm glad I got your attention. I wanted to know if you wanted to come over on Friday night. As someone who's had long, luxurious locks since I was a toddler in the pageant circuit, I figured I could give you some tips on our hair number.

Finn Hudson: Yeah, that'd be great.

Rachel Berry: Great. How's 8:00?

Finn Hudson: 8:00 is terrific. It's terrific.

Kurt Hummel: Objective achieved. Commence phase two.

Finn Hudson: Hey, Quinn. I, uh, wanted to ask your permission to maybe do something on Friday night, if...

Quinn Fabray: Oh, that's fine. I'm babysitting anyways.

Finn Hudson: Oh, cool. I'll see ya.

Quinn Fabray: Hey, What are you doing on Friday?

Noah Puckerman: Just the usual. Was going to stand outside the 7-eleven looking depressed until someone offered to buy me beer, but what's going on?

Quinn Fabray: You want to maybe babysit with me?

Will Schuester: Some of you, particularly the guys, have come up to me with some questions about hairography. One of our own has volunteered to walk us through it. She has got it down. Brittany, take it away.

Brittany S. Pierce: Take what away?

Will Schuester: Show us what you got.

Brittany S. Pierce: Oh.

Will Schuester: All right.

Brittany S. Pierce: So, hairography. It works best when you pretend like you're getting tasered. So you just move your head around like you're spazzing and stuff.

Will Schuester: Very nice.

Brittany S. Pierce: You guys, it's like cool epilepsy.

Will Schuester: Come on, guys. Let's see what you got. Good, guys, yeah. Just relax and go for it, all right.

Will Schuester: When is the lying going to stop, Sue?

Sue Sylvester: I don't know what you're talking about.

Will Schuester: You've been spying on me and we both know it. You'll do anything to torpedo Glee Club. And it has got to stop!

Sue Sylvester: I resent that accusation, William. And one I understand you've been making to our friends at Haverbrook and Jane Addams. And it's an outrageous affront to my sterling reputation! That being said, fine, I have been checking up on you. Because I don't like what's going on in there. Do you know why I make each of my cheerios wear her hair pulled back in a ponytail? Because I don't want to distract from her impeccable talent. You seem to be taking the opposite approach, Will. And that leads me to believe you know your kids don't have what it takes.

Will Schuester: I believe in my kids.

Sue Sylvester: Well, maybe in the beginning, but not now. Now that you've seen the competition that threatens your very position at this school! You're going to get me an updated set list by 5:00 tomorrow. And if there's anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I'm cutting it!

Will Schuester: I will not let you dictate my number choices. And you are not getting that list.

Sue Sylvester: Well, then I'm back as co-director.

Will Schuester: Okay, guys, from the top.

Rachel Berry: I'll just be a second.

Finn Hudson: Thanks again for helping me out with this hairography stuff.

Rachel Berry: Yeah, I mean, You know, it's all about getting warmed up. Could you think of a song, Maybe, that we could practice with? What about the, the one from Grease? You know, we did it when you first joined the Club?

Finn Hudson: Okay, only I was just mostly Nervous that day, but it...

Rachel Berry: Tell me about it... Stud.

Finn Hudson: # I got chills, they're multiplyin' #
# And I'm losing control #
# 'Cause the power you're supplyin' #
# It's electrifyin'! #

Rachel Berry: # You better shape up #
# 'Cause I need a man #
# But my heart is set on you #

Finn Hudson: Wait, stop, stop.

Rachel Berry: What's wrong?

Finn Hudson: I need to be honest with you. I'm-I'm really uncomfortable right now. I'm gonna say this as nicely as I possibly can, but you look like a sad clown hooker.

Rachel Berry: What?

Finn Hudson: This look, it just isn't you. I mean, maybe when I first saw it, I was caught off guard that you looked all adult and stuff, but it's not what's really great about you, Rachel. I actually like the way you usually dress, sequined leg warmers and stuff.

Rachel Berry: I thought this was what you liked.

Finn Hudson: No, not at all. Funny, I was just having this conversation last week with Kurt, and he asked me...

Kurt Hummel: So what kind of girls do you like?

Finn Hudson: Oh, uh, I like it when they're natural and stuff; Not a lot of makeup, not skintight clothes. That sort of thing, you know?

Kurt Hummel: Totally.

Rachel Berry: I feel like an idiot.

Finn Hudson: No, no, this is my fault. It isn't right for me to be here anyway. But I really like you, Rachel. I gotta go.

Quinn Fabray: I told you we should have been the cowboys.

Noah Puckerman: My bad.

Quinn Fabray: What are we gonna do about this? Who are you texting?!

Noah Puckerman: Uh, Mike Ching. He's got wind problems.

Quinn Fabray: Well, put the phone down and help me with this knot. I've almost got it. Stop that! Not the table! Think of something!

Noah Puckerman: I brought my guitar. Why don't we sing them a lullaby?

Quinn Fabray: Give me this. Hey, kids, look at me. Want to see a real live music video?

Giardi Triplets: Yeah.

Quinn Fabray: Okay.
# Papa, I know you're going to be upset #
# 'Cause I was always your little girl #
# But you should know by now, I'm not a baby #
# You always taught me right from wrong #
# I need your help, daddy, please be strong #
# I may be young at heart, but I know what I'm sayin' #
# The one you warned me all about #
# The one you said I could do without #
# We're in an awful mess #
# And I don't mean maybe, please #
# Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep #
# Papa don't preach, I been losing sleep #
# But I made up my mind, I'm keepin' my baby #
# Ooh, I'm gonna keep my baby, mm-mm. #

Giardi Triplets: Sing it again.

Kendra Giardi: I think this is the first time they have all been asleep at the same time. What's that smell?

Quinn Fabray: Soap.

Carole Hudson: You got them to take a bath?

Kendra Giardi: What are you, an exorcist?

Will Schuester: She's like a jet, right? I need a new clutch and a new set of shocks, but she is really coming together.

Phil Giardi: What are you gonna do when the kid comes? You can't put a car seat in that thing. No latch system.

Noah Puckerman: You were awesome tonight.

Quinn Fabray: I was surprised at how I kinda enjoyed it. I was worried about you at first. You seemed distracted, all that texting to Mike.

Noah Puckerman: Distracted? I was the opposite, babe. I was totally into it. All I know is we proved something tonight: This parenting thing? We can do this.

Rachel Berry: You set me up... with Finn!

Kurt Hummel: Looks like someone is running for drama queen again.

Rachel Berry: How could you do that? I thought we were friends.

Kurt Hummel: And what made you think that? You should be thanking me. All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairytale.

Rachel Berry: You like him. Yeah, that's, that's what this is. And you were just trying to eliminate the competition.

Kurt Hummel: I was just helping him understand that you are not a viable second choice.

Rachel Berry: You think I'm a second choice?

Kurt Hummel: A distant second.

Rachel Berry: You think I'm living in a fairytale? If I were second or if I were 50th, I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl.

Kurt Hummel: Okay, here's the dope, princess: there's no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn. They're having a baby together. We're nothing but distractions. The sooner we realize that... the better.

Santana Lopez: Keep your paws off my man. Clear?

Quinn Fabray: Who's your man?

Santana Lopez: Don't play stupid, tubbers. Oh, and for the record, asking someone to babysit with you is super '90s.

Quinn Fabray: I happen to know that Puck cares about me.

Santana Lopez: Oh, wake up! While you two were babysitting, Puck and I were sexting.

Quinn Fabray: Sexting?

Santana Lopez: Sexy texting. Seriously, what era are you from? While you two were "playing house," Puck and I were trading super-hot texts. Why don't you check his cell phone? 'Cause my sexts are too hot to erase.

Will Schuester: Thank you all for coming. We are so honored to have you guys here. So, without further ado, I present the New Directions.

Artie Abrams: # Yes, so crazy right now. #
# Most incredibly, #
# it's your boy Artie, #
# It's you're girl Mercedes. #

Mercedes Jones: # You ready? #
# Hey! #

New Directions: # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no-no-no #
# Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no-no-no #

Mercedes Jones: # I look and stare so deep in your eyes #
# I touch on you more and more every time #
# When you leave, I'm begging you not to go #
# Call your name two, three times in a row #

Artie Abrams: # I'm hairy high and low #
# Don't ask me why, I don't know, oh-oh-oh #

New Directions: # I'm going so crazy right now #
# Your love's got me looking so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' #
# So crazy right now #

Artie Abrams: # Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair #
# Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen #

New Directions: # Got me hoping you page me right now #
# Your kiss got me hopin' you save me right now #
# Lookin' so crazy, your love's got me lookin' #
# Got me lookin' so crazy, your love #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now #

Artie Abrams: # Down to here, down to there #
# Down to there, down to where it stops by itself #
# Where it stops by itself #

New Directions: # Oh-oh-oh, got me lookin' so crazy right now #

Artie Abrams: # so crazy #

New Directions: # Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Got me lookin' so crazy right now #
# Your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now #

Mercedes Jones: # Crazy right now! #

Rachel Berry: It didn't work at all, did it?

Will Schuester: No, it's just the rehearsal. It's still just a little rough, but we're onto something.

Deaf Choir: # Imagine there's no heaven #
# It easy if you try #
# No hell below us #
# Above us, only sky #
# Imagine all the people #
# Living life for today #

Mercedes Jones: # Imagine there's no countries #
# It's not hard to do #
# Nothing to kill or die for #
# And no religion, too #
# Imagine all the people #
# Living life in peace. Yoo-hoo-ooh-ooh #

Artie Abrams: # You may say I'm a dreamer #

New Directions: # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh #
# But I'm not the only one #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# Ooh #
# And the world will be as one #

Rachel Berry: # Imagine no possessions #
# I wonder if you can #

Finn & Rachel: # No need for greed or hunger #
# A brotherhood of man #

New Directions: # Imagine all the people #
# Sharing all the world #
# You #

Mercedes Jones: # You may say I'm a dreamer #

New Directions: # Ooh #
# But I'm not the only one #
# I hope someday you will join us #
# And the world will live as one. #

Noah Puckerman: Hey, baby. Um... You really don't want to do that.

Quinn Fabray: You lied to me.

Noah Puckerman: I'm sorry. I tried to resist Santana. I did. But I'm young and girls have this power over me. But, hey, it's all good.

Quinn Fabray: It's definitely not all good. I thought you wanted to be with me.

Noah Puckerman: I do. Like, a lot. But you haven't given it up to me Since the night I knocked you up, And, baby, I'm a dude. I have needs.

Quinn Fabray: So, you expect to raise a baby with me and text dirty messages to every other girl at this school if I don't give it up to you every day?

Noah Puckerman: No. Just the hot girls. Look, I'm going to be a good dad, but I'm not going to stop being me to do it.

Quinn Fabray: You can have her.

Terri Schuester: Are you serious?

Quinn Fabray: A girl really needs a good father. And the only way she's going to get that Is if I give her to you. You think Mr. Schue's going to be a good father, don't you?

Terri Schuester: Yeah. I think he's going to be an amazing dad. Will!

Will Schuester: Hey, guys.

Terri Schuester: I thought you were going to be at the scrap yard all afternoon.

Will Schuester: Oh, yeah, uh, change of plans. Got distracted with something else. Uh, Quinn, what are you doing here?

Terri Schuester: Oh, girl talk. We're exchanging pregnancy war stories.

Will Schuester: Oh, that's... nice. Well, when you get a sec, can you meet me out in the garage, Ter?

Quinn Fabray: Oh, I was just leaving, so...

Will Schuester: Yes?

Quinn Fabray: Later, Mr. Schue.

Terri Schuester: You know I hate surprises. Where's the blue bomber II?

Will Schuester: I sold it to some kid. For a tidy little profit. Let him have the fun. I made enough for a down payment on a car for our whole family. Oh, Terri. I love you. And our little girl. And I don't want anything to distract me from you guys.

Finn Hudson: Hi.

Quinn Fabray: Hi. Can we be in love again?

Finn Hudson: I have to tell you something first.I, uh... I want us to be honest with each other, no matter what.

Quinn Fabray: You can tell me anything.

Finn Hudson: Cool. Uh... It... it's not really even that big a deal. I mean, I didn't actually do anything, But, the other night, when you were babysitting... I kind of went over to Rachel's house. But nothing happened. I... just was worked up about us fighting and then she put on this really weird catwoman suit, and so I think something could have happened, but it didn't. Because I only want to be with you.

Quinn Fabray: It's all right. Thank you for being honest with me.

Finn Hudson: I love you, Quinn.

Quinn Fabray: I love you, too.

Will Schuester: Hey, Sue. You got a sec?

Sue Sylvester: Sure.

Will Schuester: I owe you an apology. I did think the kids needed to be a little more showbiz and I was wrong. That isn't who they are. So, thank you for helping me see that. Oh, and, uh, here's the new set list.

Sue Sylvester: Mm-hmm. Wow, these are great choices, William. "Proud Mary." Smokin' hot deep cut.

Will Schuester: Smokin' hot!

Sue Sylvester: Don't mock me.

Will Schuester: Sorry.

Sue Sylvester: Oh, I don't recognize this last one.

Will Schuester: Oh, that's the new addition. Yeah, I want the kids to forget everything I taught them about hairography because...

Will Schuester: We're starting from scratch. Grab a stool.

Artie Abrams: So, we're a stool choir now?

Will Schuester: Nope. We're not dancing with the stools. No gimmicks. No false theatricality. We're just going to sit in them and sing.

Rachel Berry: Thanks, Mr. Schuester.

Sue Sylvester: This is their set list from sectionals. "Don't stop believing." That's in. "Proud Mary," Performed in wheelchairs. That's in. Now, I suggest you take these two songs, split them between your two groups, and I'll pull some strings and make sure that Schuester and his group perform last. That way, it'll look like he stole the songs from you.

Grace Hitchens: Um, who do you think I am?

Sue Sylvester: That's actually a very good question because I've forgotten both of your names.

Grace Hitchens: Look, I spend every waking hour of my day trying to teach those girls that lying and cheating is not the way you're ever going to get ahead. And you're suggesting I do exactly that, so that they can win a singing competition?

Sue Sylvester: Yeah, pretty much. I think you're missing an opportunity to give your girls a second chance. These Mckinley kids are going to do fine. But outside of Glee Club, Your girls don't have a heck of a lot going for them. And I'd hate to see them so devastated by losing that they'd give up entirely. You know how many Deaf Choirs have won this competition?

Dalton Rumba: Okay. Everybody's going to need to speak up because I can't hear. Deaf in one ear. Scarlet fever.

Sue Sylvester: I assume you read lips. Read these. Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever.

New Directions: # Ah, ah, ah #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # You with the sad eyes #
# Don't be discouraged #
# Oh, I realize it's hard to take courage #
# In a world full of people #
# You can lose sight of it all #
# And darkness, still inside you #
# Make you feel so small #

New Directions: # But I see your true colors shining through #
# I see your true colors #
# And that's why I love you #
# So don't be afraid to let them show #
# Your true colors #
# True colors are beautiful #
# Like a rainbow #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # Show me a smile, then #
# Don't be unhappy #
# Can't remember when #
# I last saw you laughing #
# If this world makes you crazy #
# And you've taken all you can bear #
# You call me up because you know I'll be there #

New Directions: # And I see your true colors shining through #
# Yeah #
# I see your true colors and that's why I love you #
# So don't be afraid #
# Afraid to let them show #
# Your true colors #
# True colors #

Tina Cohen-Chang: # True colors #
# Are beautiful like a rainbow. #